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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/10034-0.txt b/10034-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f6194d --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2465 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 *** + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol 1. No. 26. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, | + | September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Fine Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, with a | + | fine chromo premium, for------ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper, | + | | + | everywhere. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No, 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for August, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 Broadway | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M, | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, July, and August, an attractive | + | and Saleable Work | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845] | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS | + | | + | The Best and Cheapest | + | | + | 256 Broadway | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats, C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31. will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson | + | and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in | + | connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at | + | Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 | + | from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORFHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD. + +The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation +having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a +time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the city +and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is ridiculously and absurdly alone. + +Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an +ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there +some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current +of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at +one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. + +Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some +of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest +Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest +Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook +amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of +the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath +the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled +guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts +feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun; while, to +the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or buckwheat, is an +incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere temptation to guess +how many Swallows there may be in it. + +Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is informed, by a +servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her his love, would +be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and bring him a fan. + +"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" cries the +young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks and pensive +smiles before her mirror. + +"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen you +looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said that +he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, on +purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door." + +"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding +her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish +members. + +After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the +scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the +meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the visitor +in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder +that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she +arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat +hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming +un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one +wholly unprepared for company. + +Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic seat, the +Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing straw hat, +looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some prudish +slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire of a +western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. + +"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I don't know +when I've felt anything smart so." + +"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a seat +before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her dress +so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen. + +Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around him, Mr. +BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be enthralling, +but for the nervous twisting of his features under the torments of a +singularly adhesive fly. + +"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon you will be +ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?" + +"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling +answer. + +The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently. +"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody +listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about +those music-lessons?" + +"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While we are +all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales." + +Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his bushy head +several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he replies. +"There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, +fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments +unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is +not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the +intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the candor of an +idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life have been +spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from DONIZETTI; and +the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted ever having been +born were those in which you have played, in my hearing, the +Drinking-song from _La Traviata_. Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, +there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound +melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, +your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends +and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of +the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, +give the love already bestowed upon me." + +"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," cries FLORA, +not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, too, that +they think somebody has killed him." + +Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before her, and the +dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the intensify of his +gaze. + +"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our +last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was +to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to +associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the +censorious, and invite suspicions tending to our early cross-examination +by our Irish local magistrate. I do not say, of course, that you +actually destroyed my nephew for fear he should try to prejudice me +against you; but I cannot withhold my earnest approval of your judicious +pretence of a sentiment palpably incompatible with the shedding of the +blood of its departed object. If you will move your dress a little, so +that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, +that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers." + +"My head upon _your_ shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly +about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my +own shoulders, sir." + +"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. +"If a little hair-oil and powder _does_ come off upon my coat, the +latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is our fate to never +get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck together." + +She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating +along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't +have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and +seems hurt. + +"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially when +fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I never +gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not think it +would be right" + +The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in its +delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, that the +agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm was always +reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, and whenever +I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth until it tickled +me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it wasn't you that I +preferred, at all; it was--oh, it's too ridiculous to tell!" + +In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from +him into the house, when he speaks again. + +"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such, +that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle +to which you could give no pleased attention?" + +"What do you mean, you absurd creature?" + +"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my double loss. +You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was found an apple +looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. You know, that +when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca waist which looked +as though it had been exposed more than once to the rain.--See the +point?" + +FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it." + +"Suppose," he goes on--"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and say: +'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote for you +again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black +alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in +this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple +singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his +sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'--See the +point now?" + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible menace of his +manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is guilty than I, +myself, am; and as for your old umbrella--" + +"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. "Not even +your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled friend. By +a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I hold the fate +of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be particularly +sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival." + +FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing head and +display a bracelet. + +"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must be so +perfectly awful!" + +Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the +contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his +straw hat. + +"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce +you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both +longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My +poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your +momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from my +habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you--" + +"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color. + +"--That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section of the +Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going through +the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in his +outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"--placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.--"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD." + +His manner is as though he were commending some patent article of +unquestionable utility. + +"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away the brown +linen arm coming after her again. + +Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and seems +momentarily surprised at the hollow sound. + +"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my observation +and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there never was a +wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first sworn to love, +as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman that if she had +felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the sight of him, it +wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality and dissipated +habits to drive her from his side through all their lives. There can be +no better sign of our future happiness, than for you to say, beforehand, +that you utterly detest the man of your choice." + +There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of +thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it +into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly +dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest avowal of +present personal dislike the most promising indication she can give of +eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode of reasoning +is more profound and composing than an article in a New York newspaper +on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical conversation, she +arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily into the house, when +he leaps athletically after her, and catches her in the doorway. + +"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient +restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a +secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling +out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's +the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a +fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it." + +The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting +bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to +her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having +conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist. + +_(To be Continued.)_ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD FIGHT. + +We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate +they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. + +But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever so great, +we have reason to doubt whether any other of these accomplished parties +has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a subject, as that which +is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss LILLIAN EDGARTON. + +She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under. + +That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence required to +pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. E. is about to +attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! Considered as a +Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. Considered as a +living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any Dragon described by +SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him incontinently. + +Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for some such +Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of +this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals +longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our +son, go in vehemently! + +And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your +attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay? +We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now, +we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them. + +We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You kill little +Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will fall, before our +mighty battle-axe! + +(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply because when +our dear young knight, L.E., has killed _her_ Dragon, she will have +wiped out the whole brood! They can't live without their sweet and +attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall +take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have +done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. Trust us, for +that!) + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN. + +September, 1870. + + I _was_ an Emperor. _Voilà c'est bon!_ + BAZAINE, MACMAHON, fought--'twas my affair. + Only, to please my doctor, NELATON, + I left the throne, to take a Sedan chair. + + * * * * * + +Unlimited Lie-Ability. + +_Veritas_ writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry from Wall +Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 persons reading +PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the _Sun_ on board, +until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid appearance +produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of which +seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, which +proved to be the _Sun._ + + * * * * * + +A Con for the "Ninth." + +What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a New York +Ice Company? + +Both are tremendous Chargers. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Here I am again, back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, +the war closing, and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, +by leading the Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to +be in a position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN--"As I +cannot fall, ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to +your victorious Excellency." + +Being back, I went to see _Julius Cæsar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the +day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer, +ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of +March, but of the _Idées Napoléoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at +a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his +newspaper, the virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. +Of course I know that JULIUS CÆSAR was not a Frenchman--for the modesty +of his "Commentaries" is proverbial--and that SHAKESPEARE never so much +as heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CÆSARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and I +may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As I +said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, and +being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking down +the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, the +reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text between +my _Julius Cæsar,_ and that of the respectable and able Mr. SHAKESPEARE. + +ACT I.--_Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the shillelahs +of the period._ + +1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CÆSAR is going to march to Berlin. +Hooray for the Hemperor." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war began, +but to-day the people despise him." + +CASSIUS. "I hate this CÆSAR. Once he tried to swim across the British +Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and couldn't do it. When he +is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any other man. Obviously he +don't deserve to live." + +CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be +discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows +of Paris." + +BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw +glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and +will make people think I am a profound philosopher." + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CÆSAR, governed the Roman +rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only mistakes were, in not +sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, without ROCHEFORT'S +cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending BRUTUS as Minister to some +capital so dreary that he would have shot himself as soon as he reached +his destination." + +ACT II.--_Enter_ BRUTUS _and fellow radicals._ + +BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CÆSAR, and I therefore gladly join +your noble band of assassins. We will kill him and establish a +provisional government with myself at its head. CÆSAR is ambitious, and +I hate ambition. All I want is to be the ruler of Rome." + +CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! Away!" + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS +and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of excellence and integrity. +What did they and their fellow scoundrels do after they had killed +CÆSAR, but desolate their country with civil war?" + +ACT III.--_Enter_ ASSASSINS _headed by_ BRUTUS _and_ GAMBETTA, CASSIUS +_and_ ROCHEFORT. + +CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's +hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They +stab him.)_ + +CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than +ever." + +_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CÆSAR." + +CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. +Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some +windows presently." + +POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife +and smash everything generally." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. +To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will +want him back again." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his +uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I +admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY +praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and +BRUTUS, and their gang?" + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't +wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new +republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American +people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the +French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a +raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so." + +And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the +Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the +prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it in +the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen +calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the +century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the +firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the +best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the +resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Insurrectionary. + +PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to +Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the +disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny +isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. +ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, +for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed. + + * * * * * + +Bluff King Bill. + +L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off +from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration +of "footing the Bill." + + * * * * * + +Query. + +As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, +will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude? + + * * * * * + +A Seasonable Conundrum. + +Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census. + + * * * * * + +A Suggestion. + +In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel +JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR. + +A Sketch In the Bowery. + +_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?" + +_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?" + +_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +LAKE GEORGE, August 30. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the +last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of +proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of +suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I +consider Lake George a success. + +Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified +to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove +up. + +It was a sort of delicate attention, you know. + +I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since +then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time. + +The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It +is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French +troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges. + +Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of +thing. + +Perhaps not! + +Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, +five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs. + +The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a +little too much mint in them, I must say. + +L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks. + +Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, +Champlain. + +Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore +particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the +scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end. + +The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," +principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of +pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a +good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up +jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one. + +The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" +Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely +_four_ of them. + +I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk. + +This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these +islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally +got "soaked." + +This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was +born here, I suppose he knows. + +This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and +asked me if I wouldn't like to live there. + +He said he thought it would just suit me. + +The attention of these people is really delightful. + +Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for +instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it +was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either. + +He wanted to know if I had ever dined there. + +I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat +fellows, always. + +About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain. + +A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there. + +That may have had something to do with its name. + +Nobody ever goes there now. + +People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for +something very extraordinary in the Echo line. + +It has what is called a "Double Echo." + +I fully expected something of this kind. + +Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those +unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it +is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place +echo. + +I consider them "_holler_ mockeries." + +Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows: + +First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with. + +This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as +usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair +French. + +I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled. + +Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very +creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it +made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus. + +But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy. + +From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, +while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered +imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same. + +This staggered me! + +I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the +Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about +Farming." + +_That settled him!_ + +He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of +him! + +The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. +But then you see he had held the office a good while. + +He hasn't left the business to any one, either. + +In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The +sign is down. + +In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the +celebrated "Roger's Slide." + +SAGINAW DODD. + +[_To be continued._] + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +POPULARITY. + +Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved +by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those +who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third +stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time +to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off +somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, +in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their +pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable +news-dealers, at a price within reach of all. + +The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to +posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom. + +It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a +view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in +confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that +sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one +dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces +such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for +high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c. + +I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate +compensation. + +General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us +have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of +it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all +summer," was also a happy thought. + +When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made +gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called +deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a +man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that +something of this sort went the rounds: + + "We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, + during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was + gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in + Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few + words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point." + +At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the +reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended +for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying +anything else. + +If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must +go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's +else. Thus--from a daily paper: + + "The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private + conversation, that the present war would probably end in + victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon." + +Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating +saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were +reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste +and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he +said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner +that thrilled his listeners. + +But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY +has--though it may be a little mildewed. + +Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a +masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a +popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily +have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved. + +But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The +Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By +MOSE SKINNER." + +I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after +retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope. + +MORAL SUASION. + +A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the +following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this +wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at +breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife +and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the +scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, +with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife. + +I will now quote my friends' own words: + +"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and +utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had +visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest +impression upon him. + +"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's +heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal +ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his +mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that +what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. + +"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave +me power to cope with this relentless disposition. + +"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged +manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for +his well being. + +"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable +pathos into my voice, I said: + +"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you +sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?" + +"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his +lips twitched convulsively." + +"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she +kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--" + +"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground +afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's +tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a +malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a +chance, jest for a change?" + +"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the +man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six +respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid +the hysteric weeps of three more in the background." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRACTICAL. + +_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY." + +_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER +BRUSSIAN BIER."] + + * * * * * + +Hot and Cold. + +The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of +an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be +without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping +us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT JUST YET! + +_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY +ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc. + +_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING +I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc. + +_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL +PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus, Phoca.--The Seal. + +This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of +the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the +German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is +equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal. + +The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, +although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. +Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily +engenders confusion. + +Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, +wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport +is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in +general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false +seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the +counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the +Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the +Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after. + +Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing +is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal +passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men +act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation. + +The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very +early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. +JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must +have been well acquainted with their internal structure. + +The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on +the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in +the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that +it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression. + +The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and +seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the +British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious. + +None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may +readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied +has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. +KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to +defend themselves, according to PANEY. + +In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the +coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of +them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken +the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs +disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid +creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a +Se(a)ward direction. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT. + +The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well +as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus +noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well +sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains +PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is +not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it +is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by +turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely +unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index +PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) +Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in +preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) +Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. +(and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ +can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage +who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that +familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly +understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully +appreciated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT +FALL." + +AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO +BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE +CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET. + +His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound +Advice from the Squire. + +Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street +brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the +members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street. + +Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, +Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my +chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters +WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72. + +Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted +hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em: + +My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen: + +As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say +nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily +intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle +alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the +old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a +patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in +a hily clawed up stait. + +Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to +avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel +Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I +believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with +a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible +to rest his timber on. + +My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all +the money I can borrer on it. + +With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are +"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar +passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have +raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up +a greenhorn. + +And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned +site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of +daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, +well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers. + +How do you manage, when you want to make a steak? + +You run up stocks and produce a crysis. + +Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake +and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, +when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall +Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the +heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good +many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too +often. + +If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate +off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked +off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in +the follerin' him: + + Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho', + From which lame ducks are driven, + "Up in a balloon they allers go, + To Tophet, not to Heaven." + +Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. +VANDERBILT. + +What did you do t'other day? + +Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, +up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the +Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his +fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my +friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the +present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway +robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller +citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet. + +When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a +great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal +tender, which is in suckin' distance. + +For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones +thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but +as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and +Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' +_Jew de spree_: + + Come rest on this buzzum, + Oh! butiful broker, + With your arms clinchin' tite, + This innercent choker. + + I'le stand it from thee, + If you'll never go near, + The Bulls and the Bears, + When HIRAM is here. + +(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little +breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so +bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. +VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) + +I agin resoomed: + +My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' +words of advice. + +Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the +hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many +little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your +confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like +the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. +But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by +smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say +is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by +telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand +in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of +betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, +feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close +with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants: + + "Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla, + Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;" + Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw. + The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw. + +Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall +Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down. + +Ewers, without a dowt, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Stage By-play. + +A sporting paper gives the following item: + +"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic +theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the +Union base-ball grounds, last week." + +Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN +BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the +short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. +The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made +them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure +to be caught out in the "flies." + + * * * * * + +Professional. + +"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the +subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know +of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is +called Strychnine." + + * * * * * + +A FECULENT NUISANCE. + +Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, +for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by +a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the +foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. +Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a +quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, +for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern +is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion +into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of +rush-lights. + + * * * * * + +The Greatest Joke of the Season. + +The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City +of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME +TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE +FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT." + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. +When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for +Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the +objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite +the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into +Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A +close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on +the Subject. + +I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I +made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk +frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. +Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the +Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely +difficult to make both ends meet. + +Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called +scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend +the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most +gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned +body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the +members by its distinguished head. + +Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly +profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent +theory may be carried in the advance of science. + +Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from +various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated +that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that +ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, +was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. +NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling +down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of +these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give +a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science. + +Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on +Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient +Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The +audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense +learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, +only interrupted by an occasional snore. + +A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor +M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively +that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on +any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the +author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in +the scientific world. + +Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon +Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the +Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the +action of rust. + +A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be +turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease +to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the +wheels. + +This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, +and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the +distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten. + +Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said +would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may +possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are +said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel. + +The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the +Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the +audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular +Sneezers in point of size. + +An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, +Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation. + +He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an +immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also +observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features +of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the +missing Fenian Head Centre. + +When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had +subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: + +"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound +gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent +addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is +an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as +I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of +learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary +text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables +them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through +an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination +which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous +plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, +when the bag is open. + +As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and +Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the +Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections +on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, +as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the +Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'" + +I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I +had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar +sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on +investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, +that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them +published, and to send you a copy of each. + +Profoundly yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +Pearing Time. + +We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in +blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before +been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go +pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor? + + * * * * * + +INDEX + + A. + + About a Clock + Advice to Picnic Parties + Aerated Verbiage + Agricultural Column, Our + Albany Cock Robins + Allurements of the Period + All Aboard for Holland + All Hail + American Cutlery in France + Answers to Correspondents + Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? + Astronomical Conversations + Associated Press Telegrams + Augean Job, An + + B. + + Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The + Bachelor's Moving Day, The + Bad "Odor" in the West + Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten + "Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c. + Beautiful Snow + Bit of Natural History, A + Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The + Bingham on Rome + Blocks and Blockheads + Book Notices + Boyhood + Bow-Wow! + Broadbrim to Aborigine + Business + By George + + C. + + Cause and Effect + Captain Hall, To + Cable News + Caution + Cats, On + Card of Thanks, A + Chat about Railroads, A + Chance for our Organ Grinders, A + Charge of the Ninth Brigade + Chinopathy + China Pattern, A + Chincapin at Long Branch + Chincapin among the Free Lovers + Church Militant + Cincinnatus Sweeny + Condensed Congress + Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy + Cons, by a Wrecker + Comic Zoology + Congressman to his Critics, A + Consistent League, A + Coup d'etat, My + Correspondence Bureau + Contemporary Sentiments + Conversion of the "_Sun_" + Cool, if not Comfortable + Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The + Criticism of the Period + Critical Intelligence + Crispin _vs_. Coolie + Current Tables + CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870 + Our Efficient Navy Department + The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies + The Great National Game + Financial Belief + The Sick Eagle + The Financial Inquisition + Editorial Washing Day in New York + The New Plea for Murder + International Yachting + The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it + The Blood Money + "What I Know About Farming" + The Wedding Ring again + Modern Matrimony + Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee + The New Pandora's Box + Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets + Death of the "Entente Cordial" + Wonderful Tour de Force + The Ovation of Murder + Law _versus_ Lawlessness + What Will He Do With It? + At the Saratoga Convention + Humpty Dumpty + + D. + + Depressions for Chicago + Delights of Dougherty, The + Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers + Distinguished Visitor, A + Dorgs, On + Dogs Tale, A + Down the Bay + Drainage under Difficulties + Dreadful State of Things out West, The + Dubious English + Dwarf Dejected, The + + E. + + Earthly Paradise + Editorial Washing Day + Elevated Statesmanship + England's Quandry + Episode of Jack Horner + Excellent Old Song Made New, An + Excelsior + + F. + + Fable + Ferocity of Failure, The + Female Gentleman, The + Fifteenth Amendment + Finances, On the + Fish Sauce + Fine Arts in Philadelphia + Fiscalities + Fish Culture + Fishery Question, The + Financial + Financial Article, Our + Four Seasons, The + Forty-four to Fourteen + Foreign Correspondence + Foam + Free Baths, The + From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter + Fun and Fin + + G. + + Gay Young Joker, A + George Francis the Ubiquitous + Glimpses of Fortune + Gossip in a School-house + Good for Something Better + Gravestones For Sale + Grant's Blackbird pie + Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort + Greeley on Bailey + Great Canal Enterprise, The + Great African Tea Company, The + Greek Meeting Greek + + H. + + Habits of Great Men + Hamlet from a Rural Point + Hall and Hayes + H. G. and Terpsichore + Hints for the Family + High and Low Church + Hints upon High Art + Hints to Car Conductors + Hints for Those Who Will Take Them + Hints for the Census + High Notes by our Musical Critic + Hiram Green at Saratoga + Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel + Hiram Green on the Chinese + Hiram Green Experience as an Editor + Hiram Green writes to Napoleon + Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes + Hiram Green at the Female Convention + Hiram Green on Base Ball + Hiram Green among the Fat men + Hiram Green to Napoleon + Hiram Green in Wall Street + How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull + Horticultural Hints + Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The + Homodeification + Hyperborean + + I. + + Idiomatic Items + Important to Publishers + Indian, The + Interesting to Bone Boilers + Interior Illumination + Indian Question, The + Information Wanted + Inspiration vs. Perspiration + Items from our Rural Reporters + + J + + Joys of Summer, The + Jottings from Washington + Jumbles + Jupiter Bellicosus + + K + + Kellogg Testimonials, The + King Oakey, the First + King Craft Looking Up + + L + + Latest from Washington + Latest News Items + Latest about "Lo." + Letter from a Friend + Letter of Advice, A + Letter from a Japanese Student + Letter from a Croaker, A + Leaven of Leavenworth + Literary Vampire + Lines by a Hapless Swain + Long Shot, A + "Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs + Love in a Boarding-House + Lucus a non, etc + + M + + Mariner's Wrongs, The + Marriage Market in Rome, The + Maine Question in Massachusetts + Marine Mixture, A + Managers of Railroads, To + Medical Miss, A + Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the + Mercantile Library Association + Mind your P's and Q's + Miseries of a Handsome Man + Motley Melody, A + Municipal Competition + Murphy the Conqueror + Mythology, Of + Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. + Mythology, Further of + Mythology, More + + N + + National Taxidermy + Napoleon's Latest Manifesto + Natural Mistake, A + New Conglomerate Pavement + New England to New York + New Railway Project, A + New "Process", The + Ninety-nine in the Shade + Nothing like Leather + Notary's Protest, A + Nought for Nought + Now We Shall Have It + Notes from Chicago + Now's your Chance + Note from the Orchestra + + O + + Ode to the Missing Collector + Old Bailey Practitioner, An + Old Boy to the Young Ones, An + Old Saws Re-set + Old Iron + Olive Logan + Opinions of the Press + Orange Peel, Etcetera + Origin of the Mississippi + Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of + Organizing an Organ + Origin of Punchinello + O, that air! + Our Future + Out of the Streets + Our Literary Legate + Our Cuban Telegrams + Our Explosives + + P + + Patriotic Adoration + Pat to the Question + Parable About the 12th of July + Pardonable Solicitude + Perennius Ære + Periodical Literature + Philadelvings + Plays and Shows + Please the Pigs + Plea for Protection + Pluckily Patriotic, Still + Poems of the Cradle + Popularity, Our + Political Claptrap + Police Report, Our + Possible "Why" of it, The + Portfolio, Our + Prospectus + Pump, The + Punchinello's New Charter + Punchinello in Wall Street + Punchinello's Lyrics + Punchinello and the Aldermen + Punchinello on the Jury + Punchinello Is Sorry + Punchinello's Vacations + Punchinello as a "Savan" + + Q + + Query + + R + + Raising Cain + Rather Mixed + Rather Flashy Idea, A + Ramblings + Real Estate of Woman, The + Religious Amusements + Remonstrance, A + Religion of Temperance + Receipe to be Tested + Reform in Juvenile Literature + Rejuvenated France + Right and Left + Robins, The + Romaunt of the Oyster + Rose by any other Name, A + Roar from Niagara, A + Romance of a Rich Young Man + + S + + Sailing Directions, &c + Science Forever + Seasonable Parody, A + Several Unsavory Renderings + Ship Ahoy! + Sic Semper Epluribus, &c + Sorosian Impromptu, A + Song of the Returned Soldier + Song of the New Babel + Song of the Red Cloud + Song of the Chicago Lawyer + Song of the Mosquito + Society, &c + Spencerian Chaff + Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats + Spring Fever + Spirit of the Navy + Standard Literature + Stridor Pentium + Summer on the Catskills + Summer at Sandy Point + + T + + Taking a Senator's Measure + Take Care of the Wounded + Temperance Song + That Indian Talk + Thiers, Idle Thiers + Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus + Titans + "Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The + To Our Readers + Traveller's Tales + Treatment for Potato Bugs + Truly Noble + Tutti Tremando + Turkish Bath, My + + U + + Ulyss, To + Umbrella, The + Uncle Samuel + Universockdology + Urbs in Rure + + V + + V.H. to Punchinello + Visit to "Sheridan's Ride" + Voice from the Hub + Voice of the Turtle, The + Vultures Call, The + + W + + Wanted, a Sheriff + War, The + Wat Cum Snecst + Way to Become Great, The + Weather Prophecies for May + Western Nomenclature + What the Press is Expected to Say + What I Know About Free Trade + What I Know About Protection + What Is It + What Sigerson Says + What Shall We Call It? + Why is it so Dry? + Woman, Past and Present + Women's Rights Again + Woman in Wall Street + Woman in the Census + Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet + Words and their Abases + Wrong Mouth + Wringer of the Future + + Y + + Y.M.C.A. + + * * * * * + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart& Co. | + | | + | Have opened | + | | + | AN IMMENSE STOCK OF | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | For | + | | + | STREET AND EVENING DRESSES, | + | | + | At $2 per yard, | + | | + | Recently sold at $4 and $5. | + | | + | A LARGE LINE OF | + | | + | STRIPED SILKS, | + | | + | FRESH GOODS | + | | + | $1 to $1.50 per yard. | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | From $1.25 per yard upward. | + | | + | Plain and Plaid Poplins, | + | Satins de Chine, | + | Empress Cloths, | + | Royal Velvets, | + | Serges, etc. | + | | + | Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully | + | requested to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Have largely replenished all their | + | | + | Popular Stocks of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | Etc., Etc. | + | | + | WITH GOODS WHICH | + | | + | For Quality, Style and Prices, | + | | + | CANNOT BE EXCELLED, | + | | + | and respectfully request purchasers | + | | + | To Examine the Same, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | CARPETS. | + | | + | 100 Pieces Five-Frame | + | | + | ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | + | | + | Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | 200 Pieces do., Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced | + | to $2 per yard. | + | | + | Very Best Quality | + | | + | ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | + | | + | $1.30 per yard. | + | | + | FRENCH MOQUETTES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | AXMINSTERS | + | | + | $3.50 and $4 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | + | | + | CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | + | | + | Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | + | | + | English and Domestic | + | | + | OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | + | | + | MATS, ETC., | + | | + | At extremely low prices | + | | + | A.T. 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Box 2783. | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +[Illustration: THE WIFE'S WINDFALL. + +_Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the piano, last +night.)_ "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, ANGELINA?" + +_Angelina._ "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS--AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW PIANO STOOL, +SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND--SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"] + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | "The Printing House of the United States." | + | | + | GEO. F. NESBITT & CO., | + | | + | General JOB PRINTERS, | + | BLANK BOOK Manufacturers, | + | STATIONERS. 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PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. WHEAT & CO, PRINTERS, No. 8 SPRUCE STREET. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September +24, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 *** diff --git a/10034-h/10034-h.htm b/10034-h/10034-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ace3166 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/10034-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2285 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + <meta content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" + http-equiv="Content-Type"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of PUNCHINELLO Vol. 1, No. 26.</title> + <style type="text/css"> + <!-- + * { font-family: Times;} + HR { width: 33%; } + // --> + </style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 ***</div> + +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img alt="CARBOLIC SALVE" src="images/01a.jpg"> + <p><b>Recommended by Physicians.</b></p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS.<br> +SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PRICE 25 CENTS.</small></p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor,<br> +No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="0" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/01.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 26.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 30%;" rowspan="6"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>FOLEY'S<br> + <big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: normal;">THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</span><br> +256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">$2<br> + </span></big></big> <span style="font-weight: bold;">to ALBANY +and TROY.</span></big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew,</b> +commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry +Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to +Troy</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.<br> +WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R.</small></p> + <p> NICHOLS, M.D.<br> +WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</big></p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>HOME LIFE</b>,<b><br> +The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>.</p> + <p>$1.00 Per Year.</p> + <p><i>Journal and Punchinello<br> +(without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY<br> + Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,</p> + <p><b>150 CONGRESS STREET,<br> +BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD</b>.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORFHEUS C. KERR</p> + <p>CHAPTER XIX.</p> + <p>THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD.</p> + <p>The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious +summer-vacation having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have +returned again, for a time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA +PENDRAGON has gone to the city and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is +ridiculously and absurdly alone.</p> + <p>Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, +like an ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here +and there some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a +sluggish current of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic +church shooting-up at one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of +magnified mutton.</p> + <p>Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, +until some of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of +the Oldest Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is +the Warmest Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some +cooler nook amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the +atmosphere of the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes +from beneath the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house +a parboiled guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to +turn, drifts feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more +dun; while, to the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or +buckwheat, is an incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere +temptation to guess how many Swallows there may be in it.</p> + <p>Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is +informed, by a servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her +his love, would be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and +bring him a fan.</p> + <p>"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" +cries the young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks +and pensive smiles before her mirror.</p> + <p>"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen +you looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said +that he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, +on purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door."</p> + <p>"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs +FLCKA, holding her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from +the too pinkish members.</p> + <p>After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye +and the scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to +the meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the +visitor in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her +shoulder that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is +complete, she arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, +with a garden-hat hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, +humming un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing +of one wholly unprepared for company.</p> + <p>Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic +seat, the Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing +straw hat, looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some +prudish slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire +of a western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits.</p> + <p>"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I +don't know when I've felt anything smart so."</p> + <p>"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a +seat before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her +dress so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen.</p> + <p>Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around +him, Mr. BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be +enthralling, but for the nervous twisting of his features under the +torments of a singularly adhesive fly.</p> + <p>"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon +you will be ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?"</p> + <p>"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the +chilling answer.</p> + <p>The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head +intelligently. "You are right," he says, gravely, "—there <i>might</i> +be somebody listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And +now, how about those music-lessons?"</p> + <p>"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While +we are all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales."</p> + <p>Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his +bushy head several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he +replies. "There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon +the violin, fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with +sentiments unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, +however, is not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a +help to the intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the +candor of an idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life +have been spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from +DONIZETTI; and the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted +ever having been born were those in which you have played, in my +hearing, the Drinking-song from <i>La Traviata</i>. Believe me, then, +my devoted pupil, there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a +prevalence of profound melancholy in your continued piano-playing; +whereas, on the contrary, your sudden and permanent cessation might at +least surprise your friends and the neighborhood into a +light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of the memory of that dear, +missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, give the love already +bestowed upon me."</p> + <p>"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," +cries FLORA, not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, +too, that they think somebody has killed him."</p> + <p>Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before +her, and the dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the +intensify of his gaze.</p> + <p>"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to +acknowledge that our last meeting with a friend, who has since +mysteriously disappeared, was to reject him and imply a preference for +his uncle, may be calculated to associate us unpleasantly with that +disappearance, in the minds of the censorious, and invite suspicions +tending to our early cross-examination by our Irish local magistrate. I +do not say, of course, that you actually destroyed my nephew for fear +he should try to prejudice me against you; but I cannot withhold my +earnest approval of your judicious pretence of a sentiment palpably +incompatible with the shedding of the blood of its departed object. If +you will move your dress a little, so that I can sit beside you and +allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, that fan will do for both of +us, and we may converse in whispers."</p> + <p>"My head upon <i>your</i> shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, +staring swiftly about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep +my head upon my own shoulders, sir."</p> + <p>"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist +reminds her. "If a little hair-oil and powder <i>does</i> come off +upon my coat, the latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is +our fate to never get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck +together."</p> + <p>She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins +insinuating along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she +couldn't have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his +arm, and seems hurt.</p> + <p>"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially +when fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I +never gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not +think it would be right"</p> + <p>The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in +its delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, +that the agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm +was always reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, +and whenever I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth +until it tickled me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it +wasn't you that I preferred, at all; it was—oh, it's too ridiculous to +tell!"</p> + <p>In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly +away from him into the house, when he speaks again.</p> + <p>"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her +brother such, that their execution upon some Friday of next month would +be a spectacle to which you could give no pleased attention?"</p> + <p>"What do you mean, you absurd creature?"</p> + <p>"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my +double loss. You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was +found an apple looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. +You know, that when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca +waist which looked as though it had been exposed more than once to the +rain.—See the point?"</p> + <p>FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it."</p> + <p>"Suppose," he goes on—"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and +say: 'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote +for you again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a +black alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not +lived in this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession +of an apple singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing +relative, and his sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand +alpaca?'—See the point now?"</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible +menace of his manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is +guilty than I, myself, am; and as for your old umbrella—"</p> + <p>"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. +"Not even your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled +friend. By a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I +hold the fate of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be +particularly sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival."</p> + <p>FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing +head and display a bracelet.</p> + <p>"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must +be so perfectly awful!"</p> + <p>Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. +On the contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly +under his straw hat.</p> + <p>"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I +cannot induce you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we +are both longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness +myself. My poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and +your momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from +my habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you—"</p> + <p>"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color.</p> + <p>"—That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section +of the Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going +through the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in +his outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"—placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.—"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD."</p> + <p>His manner is as though he were commending some patent article +of unquestionable utility.</p> + <p>"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away +the brown linen arm coming after her again.</p> + <p>Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and +seems momentarily surprised at the hollow sound.</p> + <p>"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my +observation and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there +never was a wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first +sworn to love, as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman +that if she had felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the +sight of him, it wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality +and dissipated habits to drive her from his side through all their +lives. There can be no better sign of our future happiness, than for +you to say, beforehand, that you utterly detest the man of your choice."</p> + <p>There is something terrible to the young girl in the original +turn of thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once +turns it into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a +perfectly dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest +avowal of present personal dislike the most promising indication she +can give of eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode +of reasoning is more profound and composing than an article in a New +York newspaper on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical +conversation, she arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily +into the house, when he leaps athletically after her, and catches her +in the doorway.</p> + <p>"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place +sufficient restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our +engagement a secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have +boys calling out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get +married! There's the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is +about to make a fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him +of it."</p> + <p>The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a +parting bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up +stairs to her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those +having conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist.</p> + <p><i>(To be Continued.)</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A GOOD FIGHT</b>.</p> + <p>We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at +any rate they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability.</p> + <p>But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever +so great, we have reason to doubt whether any other of these +accomplished parties has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a +subject, as that which is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss +LILLIAN EDGARTON.</p> + <p>She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under.</p> + <p>That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence +required to pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. +E. is about to attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! +Considered as a Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. +Considered as a living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any +Dragon described by SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him +incontinently.</p> + <p>Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for +some such Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect +thing of this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow +mortals longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous +youth, our son, go in vehemently!</p> + <p>And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to +giving your attention to certain relations of the monster which you +propose to slay? We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough +old Dragons, now, we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of +them.</p> + <p>We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You +kill little Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will +fall, before our mighty battle-axe!</p> + <p>(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply +because when our dear young knight, L.E., has killed <i>her</i> +Dragon, she will have wiped out the whole brood! They can't live +without their sweet and attractive little sister. And so, like many a +bigger humbug, we shall take great credit, that belongs to somebody +else, and assume to have done big things, at enormous expense of blood +and money. Trust us, for that!)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN</b>.</p> + <p>September, 1870.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I <i>was</i> an Emperor. <i>Voilà +c'est bon!</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">BAZAINE, MACMAHON, +fought—'twas my affair.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Only, to please my doctor, +NELATON,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">I left the throne, to take a +Sedan chair.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Unlimited Lie-Ability</b>.</p> + <p><i>Veritas</i> writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry +from Wall Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 +persons reading PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the <i>Sun</i> +on board, until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid +appearance produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of +which seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, +which proved to be the <i>Sun.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Con for the "Ninth."</b></p> + <p>What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a +New York Ice Company?</p> + <p>Both are tremendous Chargers.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img alt="H" align="left" src="images/05.jpg">ere I am again, +back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, the war closing, +and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, by leading the +Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to be in a +position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN—"As I cannot fall, +ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to your +victorious Excellency."</p> + <p>Being back, I went to see <i>Julius Cæsar</i> at +NIBLO'S Garden. It was the day when the French CAESER fell, and the +impertinent soothsayer, ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to +beware, not of the Ides of March, but of the <i>Idées +Napoléoniennes,</i> (there is a feeble attempt at a pun here) +obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his newspaper, the +virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. Of course I +know that JULIUS CÆSAR was not a Frenchman—for the modesty of his +"Commentaries" is proverbial—and that SHAKESPEARE never so much as +heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CÆSARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and +I may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As +I said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, +and being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking +down the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, +the reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text +between my <i>Julius Cæsar,</i> and that of the respectable and +able Mr. SHAKESPEARE.</p> + <center> + <p>ACT I.—<i>Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the +shillelahs of the period.</i></p> + </center> + <p>1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CÆSAR is going to +march to Berlin. Hooray for the Hemperor."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war +began, but to-day the people despise him."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "I hate this CÆSAR. Once he tried to swim +across the British Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and +couldn't do it. When he is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any +other man. Obviously he don't deserve to live."</p> + <p>CASCA. (<i>Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend +to be discontented</i>.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the +windows of Paris."</p> + <p>BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should +never throw glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds +oracular, and will make people think I am a profound philosopher."</p> + <p>EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CÆSAR, +governed the Roman rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only +mistakes were, in not sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, +without ROCHEFORT'S cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending +BRUTUS as Minister to some capital so dreary that he would have shot +himself as soon as he reached his destination."</p> + <center> + <p>ACT II.—<i>Enter</i> BRUTUS <i>and fellow radicals.</i></p> + </center> + <p>BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CÆSAR, and I +therefore gladly join your noble band of assassins. We will kill him +and establish a provisional government with myself at its head. +CÆSAR is ambitious, and I hate ambition. All I want is to be the +ruler of Rome."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! +Away!"</p> + <p>EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are +PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of +excellence and integrity. What did they and their fellow scoundrels do +after they had killed CÆSAR, but desolate their country with +civil war?"</p> + <center> + <p>ACT III.—<i>Enter</i> ASSASSINS <i>headed by</i> BRUTUS <i>and</i> +GAMBETTA, CASSIUS <i>and</i> ROCHEFORT.</p> + </center> + <p>CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, +fighting the German's hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he +can help himself." <i>(They stab him.)</i></p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York <i>Sun,</i> who will make it more scurrilous +than ever."</p> + <p><i>Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for</i> +CÆSAR."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to +proclaim a republic. Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let +you smash some windows presently."</p> + <p>POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult +his wife and smash everything generally."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted +for him. To-day they insult him—it being safe to do so—and to-morrow +they will want him back again."</p> + <p>2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest +nephew of his uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was +unscrupulous, I admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear +MARK ANTONY praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of +ROCHEFORT and BRUTUS, and their gang?"</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but +I can't wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the +new republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The +American people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice +seen the French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of +them."</p> + <p>2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at +NIBLO'S."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT +rants like a raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the +rest are so so."</p> + <p>And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played +on the Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see +the prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it +in the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can +listen calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama +of the century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed +from the firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself +hoarse as the best preparations for holding the fairest of cities +against the resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Insurrectionary.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been +forwarded to Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and +struck with the disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty +labor in that sunny isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the +enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY, he can raise a <b>Revolution</b> +in New York City, at any time, for ten cents. Let those whom it may +concern take heed.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bluff King Bill.</b></p> + <p>L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of +Prussia, off from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new +illustration of "footing the Bill."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Query.</b></p> + <p>As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been +abolished, will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-<i>suet</i>-ude?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Seasonable Conundrum.</b></p> + <p>Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Suggestion.</b></p> + <p>In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not +Colonel JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/06.jpg"> + <p><b>THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR</b>.</p> + <p>A Sketch In the Bowery.</p> + <p><i>Small Frenchman.</i> "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY +VEN YOU PASS?"</p> + <p><i>Big German.</i> "WANTS TO FIGHT?—DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?"</p> + <p><i>Small Frenchman.</i> "NO—BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE +BLACK EYE!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BY GEORGE!</b></p> + <p>LAKE GEORGE, August 30.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would +be the last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for +want of proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors +out of suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay +that I consider Lake George a success.</p> + <p>Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat +gratified to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was +in drove up.</p> + <p>It was a sort of delicate attention, you know.</p> + <p>I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon +since then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time.</p> + <p>The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every +respect. It is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the +French troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges.</p> + <p>Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that +sort of thing.</p> + <p>Perhaps not!</p> + <p>Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police +Courts, five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs.</p> + <p>The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they +do put a little too much mint in them, I must say.</p> + <p>L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them—both Adirondacks.</p> + <p>Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its +neighbor, Champlain.</p> + <p>Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is +therefore particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view +the scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end.</p> + <p>The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout +Pavillion," principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the +immense number of pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is +unquestionably a good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed +Proprietor turns up jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one.</p> + <p>The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three +Sisters" Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are +precisely <i>four</i> of them.</p> + <p>I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk.</p> + <p>This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me +that these islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one +occasionally got "soaked."</p> + <p>This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man +says he was born here, I suppose he knows.</p> + <p>This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green +Island and asked me if I wouldn't like to live there.</p> + <p>He said he thought it would just suit me.</p> + <p>The attention of these people is really delightful.</p> + <p>Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, +for instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows +why it was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either.</p> + <p>He wanted to know if I had ever dined there.</p> + <p>I always make it a point to get on the right side of these +Steamboat fellows, always.</p> + <p>About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain.</p> + <p>A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there.</p> + <p>That may have had something to do with its name.</p> + <p>Nobody ever goes there now.</p> + <p>People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is +noted for something very extraordinary in the Echo line.</p> + <p>It has what is called a "Double Echo."</p> + <p>I fully expected something of this kind.</p> + <p>Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is +those unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four +sixes, it is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering +place echo.</p> + <p>I consider them "<i>holler</i> mockeries."</p> + <p>Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows:</p> + <p>First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with.</p> + <p>This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in +duplicate as usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the +other in fair French.</p> + <p>I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled.</p> + <p>Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated +very creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This +it made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus.</p> + <p>But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S +Soliloquy.</p> + <p>From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "<i>To be</i>" +of BOOTH, while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely +rendered imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same.</p> + <p>This staggered me!</p> + <p>I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy +of the Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know +about Farming."</p> + <p><i>That settled him!</i></p> + <p>He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath +right out of him!</p> + <p>The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a +leaver. But then you see he had held the office a good while.</p> + <p>He hasn't left the business to any one, either.</p> + <p>In future no one will go fooling round there except the +fishermen. The sign is down.</p> + <p>In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some +account of the celebrated "Roger's Slide."</p> + <p>SAGINAW DODD.</p> + <p>[<i>To be continued.</i>]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>POPULARITY.</p> + <p>Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It +is achieved by three classes—those who have brains, those who have +money, and those who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy +it; and the third stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an +engineer just in time to prevent the train from dashing over a +precipice, or by chopping off somebody's head with a meat axe and +burning the remains up afterwards, in which case the next day's paper +gives a faithful account of their pedigree, and their photograph can be +purchased at any respectable news-dealers, at a price within reach of +all.</p> + <p>The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down +to posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom.</p> + <p>It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on +hand, with a view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to +state, in confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of +anything that sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the +low price of one dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and +original, and embraces such gems as—"Don't give up the ship," "Such is +Life," "How's this for high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves +nine," &c., &c.</p> + <p>I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at +a moderate compensation.</p> + <p>General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. +His "Let us have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody +ever thought of it before. "I propose to move on your works +immediately, if it takes all summer," was also a happy thought.</p> + <p>When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they +made gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be +called deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, +coming from a man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not +surprising that something of this sort went the rounds:</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">We have the best authority for +stating that General GRANT, during his recent visit to Boston, remarked +that he was gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in +Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few words, but +what he does say is spicy, and to the point."</p> + <p>At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" +but the reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't +intended for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his +saying anything else.</p> + <p>If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His +opinions must go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than +anybody's else. Thus—from a daily paper:</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">"The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently +said in a private conversation, that the present war would probably end +in victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon."</p> + <p>Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an +eating saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, +four were reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in +breathless haste and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. +SMITH looked when he said it, and if he said it as though he really +meant it, and in a manner that thrilled his listeners.</p> + <p>But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. +MONTGOMERY has—though it may be a little mildewed.</p> + <p>Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. +It was a masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it +inserted in a popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I +could easily have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus +achieved.</p> + <p>But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of +heading it "The Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE +GREELEY." I said "By MOSE SKINNER."</p> + <p>I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon +after retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope.</p> + <p>MORAL SUASION.</p> + <p>A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates +the following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which +this wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning +at breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his +wife and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of +the scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having +previously, with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese +knife.</p> + <p>I will now quote my friends' own words:</p> + <p>"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his +act, and utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good +people had visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making +the smallest impression upon him.</p> + <p>"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch +this man's heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and +brutal ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of +his mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows +that what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life.</p> + <p>"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, +for it gave me power to cope with this relentless disposition.</p> + <p>"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the +most dogged manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious +wishes for his well being.</p> + <p>"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing +considerable pathos into my voice, I said:</p> + <p>"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time +when you sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and +daisies?"</p> + <p>"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow +contracted and his lips twitched convulsively."</p> + <p>"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I +continued, "she kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a—"</p> + <p>"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot +under ground afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth +chap that's tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he +added with a malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give +the old man a chance, jest for a change?"</p> + <p>"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to +witness the man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous +affair, six respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss +the body, amid the hysteric weeps of three more in the background."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/07.jpg"> + <p><b>PRACTICAL</b>.</p> + <p><i>Housewife.</i> "VAKE YOU UP, HANS—HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN +VICTORY."</p> + <p><i>Hans, (dreamily.)</i> "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?—DEN LET US +HAVE ANODER BRUSSIAN BIER."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Hot and Cold.</b></p> + <p>The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the +question of an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability +that we shall be without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the +purpose of keeping us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't +have cold water.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/08.jpg"> + <p><b>NOT JUST YET!</b></p> + <p><i>Mr. Greeley.</i> "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I +WOULDN'T ON ANY ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc.</p> + <p><i>Mr. Woodford.</i> "No! NO!—TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; +THE LAST THING I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc.</p> + <p><i>Governor Hoffman.</i> "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: +I SHALL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, +YET."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + <p>Genus, Phoca.—The Seal.</p> + <p>This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing +members of the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, +radically, from the German <i>Siegel,</i> so that to say a man has +"fought mit SIEGEL," is equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a +harmless and timid seal.</p> + <p>The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as +Mammafers, although it would manifestly be more correct to call the +males Papafers. Under the present classification, the confusion of +genders necessarily engenders confusion.</p> + <p>Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an +ear, wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to +sport is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb +beasts in general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. +The false seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. +To the counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe +in the Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in +the Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after.</p> + <p>Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with +sealing is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the +universal passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the +old men act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation.</p> + <p>The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of +Mankind at a very early period—Seals being frequently spoken of in the +Scriptures. St. JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven +varieties, and must have been well acquainted with their internal +structure.</p> + <p>The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable +numbers on the British coast, and the Great Seal of England—only to be +found in the vicinity of the Thames—is of such remarkable size and +weight, that it never makes its appearance without producing a strong +Impression.</p> + <p>The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to +Madeira, and seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity +to the British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious.</p> + <p>None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. +They may readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick +properly applied has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the +space of half an hour. KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and +they never attempt to defend themselves, according to PANEY.</p> + <p>In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals +cover the coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a +glimpse of them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, +which darken the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the +Arctic zephyrs disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of +the timid creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by +looking in a Se(a)ward direction.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Free (and Easy) Press</i> has honored PUNCHINELLO with +a brief as well as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by +being thus noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and +well sustained popularity of the <i>Free (and Easy) Press</i>, it +pains PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that +he is not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is +true—but it is to the end of his First Volume, as the <i>F. (and E.) +Press</i> can see by turning to the admirably written, dashing, +humorous, and absolutely unsurpassable Index appended to our present +number, which Index PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of +the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i>. The Preface to his Second Volume, +however, which is now in preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently +assures the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i>, be altogether superior to the +Index to his First. Let the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i> look out for it. +But, meanwhile, the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i> can cheer itself by +frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage who serves as +tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that familiar and +suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly understood by the <i>F. +(and E.) Press</i>, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully appreciated.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/09.jpg"> + <p><b>"HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL,<br> +HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL."</b></p> + <p>AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T +HAVE BEEN SO BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT +IS QUITE CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p>His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.—A few Words +of Sound Advice from the Squire.</p> + <p>Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of +Wall Street brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech +afore the members of their church, whose <i>Sin</i>-agog is situated +in Brod Street.</p> + <p>Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the +Golden Calf, Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, +me thunk my chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as +Sisters WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72.</p> + <p>Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the +appinted hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em:</p> + <p>My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen:</p> + <p>As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as +Gustise of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, +to say nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an +hily intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any +politikle alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, +like the old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them +through a patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your +victims in a hily clawed up stait.</p> + <p>Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, +so as to avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S +novel Lothere, <i>I have no refference to</i> T. GOLDWIN SMITH <i>whatsomever</i>, +as I believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth +with a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something +tangible to rest his timber on.</p> + <p>My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de +bet all the money I can borrer on it.</p> + <p>With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of +chance are "entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote +from a familiar passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the +Perfesser could have raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of +you chaps can gobble up a greenhorn.</p> + <p>And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would +be a darned site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, +instead of daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise +H----, well—excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers.</p> + <p>How do you manage, when you want to make a steak?</p> + <p>You run up stocks and produce a crysis.</p> + <p>Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they +can rake and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the +bubble, when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and +about Wall Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART +chopped off the heads off all the first born. Instances have been +known, where a good many of you chaps have rammed your head in the +Tiger's mouth once too often.</p> + <p>If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you +perambulate off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said +Tigers walked off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, +you all jined in the follerin' him:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho',</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">From which lame ducks are +driven,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Up in a balloon they allers +go,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">To Tophet, not to Heaven."</span> + </div> + <p>Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to +keel off K. VANDERBILT.</p> + <p>What did you do t'other day?</p> + <p>Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards +for <i>keeps</i>, up at Saratogy, some poor deluded <i>money</i>-maniac +telegrafs that the Commodore had at last found his match, and had been +gathered to his fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged +the name of my friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the <i>Troy Times</i>, +who, up to the present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin +into the hiway robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends +and feller citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet.</p> + <p>When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, +like a great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of +legal tender, which is in suckin' distance.</p> + <p>For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. +I ones thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old +heart, but as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the +Bulls and Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the +follerin' <i>Jew de spree</i>:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Come rest on this buzzum,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Oh! butiful broker,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">With your arms clinchin' tite,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">This innercent choker.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I'le stand it from thee,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">If you'll never go near,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">The Bulls and the Bears,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">When HIRAM is here.</span> </div> + <p>(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a +little breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and +looked so bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw +stuns at K. VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.)</p> + <p>I agin resoomed:</p> + <p>My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few +partin' words of advice.</p> + <p>Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it +hits the hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A +good many little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up +by your confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and +chuckle like the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky +distilleries. But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily +peck by smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have +got to say is, that next time you've got a <i>sure thing</i> to make a +speck, by telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and +takin' a hand in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the +means of betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In +concloosion, feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, +I will close with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its +inhabitants:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Imperious +SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mite stop a hole to keep the wind +away;"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Onless from Wall Street, was +blowin' raw.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The tempestous breezes, from a +broker's flaw.</span> </div> + <p>Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, +where Wall Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down.</p> + <p>Ewers, without a dowt,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Stage By-play.</b></p> + <p>A sporting paper gives the following item:</p> + <p>"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the +Olympic theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball +at the Union base-ball grounds, last week."</p> + <p>Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK +VAN BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on +the short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second +base. The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have +made them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all +pretty sure to be caught out in the "flies."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Professional.</b></p> + <p>"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball +was the subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but +I know of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and +it is called Strychnine."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A FECULENT NUISANCE.</b></p> + <p>Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman +Streets, for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly +assailed by a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of +Health, the foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 +Nassau Street. Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance +arose from a quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one +JAMES O'BRIEN, for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the +entire concern is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, +for conversion into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the +cheapest kind of rush-lights.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Greatest Joke of the Season.</b></p> + <p>The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor +of the City of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/12.jpg"> + <p>"IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME TO +GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE FIZZLED."—<i>(Letter +from a War Correspondent.)</i></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT."</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in +Science. When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste +for Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers +being the objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I +obtained (despite the frequent closing of my visual organs) +considerable Insight into Physical Science in the course of numerous +pugilistic encounters. A close Application to Optics at that time +enabled me to get some Light on the Subject.</p> + <p>I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned +infant I made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning +to walk frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful +telescope. Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently +experimented on the Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have +generally found it extremely difficult to make both ends meet.</p> + <p>Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be +called scientific, as many who pretend to be <i>Savants</i>, I +determined to attend the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My +reception was most gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the +Convention, that learned body welcomed me with open arms, and I was +escorted to a place among the members by its distinguished head.</p> + <p>Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were +exceedingly profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to +what an extent theory may be carried in the advance of science.</p> + <p>Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper—carefully +compiled from various sources—on the Steam Engine, in the course of +which he stated that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first +steamboat that ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great +Earthquake of 1811, was still living. Also, that his godfather, the +celebrated Mr. NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of +science) in pulling down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. +The importance of these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they +will undoubtedly give a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science.</p> + <p>Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an +address on Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of +Ancient Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their +formation. The audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the +immense learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony +silence, only interrupted by an occasional snore.</p> + <p>A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by +Professor M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved +conclusively that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very +little Light on any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in +Meters, and is the author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so +much attention in the scientific world.</p> + <p>Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of +Tallow upon Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears +that the Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and +unfavorable to the action of rust.</p> + <p>A member was of the opinion that this important discovery +might be turned to great practical advantage, as the application of +cart grease to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary +motion of the wheels.</p> + <p>This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of +applause, and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to +the distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten.</p> + <p>Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, +which he said would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in +1878. It may possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty +of Medicine are said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel.</p> + <p>The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting +disquisition on the Oyster, which was divided into sections and +literally devoured by the audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of +Conchs, which were regular Sneezers in point of size.</p> + <p>An announcement which was made by the distinguished +Astronomer, Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation.</p> + <p>He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had +discovered an immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that +he had also observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish +the features of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES +STEPHENS, the missing Fenian Head Centre.</p> + <p>When the excitement consequent upon this startling +announcement had subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as +follows:</p> + <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the +profound gratification with which I have listened to the learned and +eloquent addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of +Science is an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished <i>savants</i> +as I see around me, and to this object they have brought that +profundity of learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of +elementary text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception +which enables them to descry such great scientific truths as can be +discovered through an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power +of discrimination which enables them to distinguish between the seed of +the leguminous plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable +productions of Nature, when the bag is open.</p> + <p>As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants +and Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on +the Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some +Reflections on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and +Versification, as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with +the Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'"</p> + <p>I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but +before I had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a +peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, +on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, +however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to +have them published, and to send you a copy of each.</p> + <p>Profoundly yours,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Pearing Time.</b></p> + <p>We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are +now in blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never +before been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to +go pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="INDEX" src="images/13.jpg"> </center> + <br> + <br> + <b>A.</b><br> + <br> +About a Clock<br> +Advice to Picnic Parties<br> +Aerated Verbiage<br> +Agricultural Column, Our<br> +Albany Cock Robins<br> +Allurements of the Period<br> +All Aboard for Holland<br> +All Hail<br> +American Cutlery in France<br> +Answers to Correspondents<br> +Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All?<br> +Astronomical Conversations<br> +Associated Press Telegrams<br> +Augean Job, An<br> + <br> + <b>B.</b><br> + <br> +Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The<br> +Bachelor's Moving Day, The<br> +Bad "Odor" in the West<br> +Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten<br> +"Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c.<br> +Beautiful Snow<br> +Bit of Natural History, A<br> +Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The<br> +Bingham on Rome<br> +Blocks and Blockheads<br> +Book Notices<br> +Boyhood<br> +Bow-Wow!<br> +Broadbrim to Aborigine<br> +Business<br> +By George<br> + <br> + <b>C.</b><br> + <br> +Cause and Effect<br> +Captain Hall, To<br> +Cable News<br> +Caution<br> +Cats, On<br> +Card of Thanks, A<br> +Chat about Railroads, A<br> +Chance for our Organ Grinders, A<br> +Charge of the Ninth Brigade<br> +Chinopathy<br> +China Pattern, A<br> +Chincapin at Long Branch<br> +Chincapin among the Free Lovers<br> +Church Militant<br> +Cincinnatus Sweeny<br> +Condensed Congress<br> +Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy<br> +Cons, by a Wrecker<br> +Comic Zoology<br> +Congressman to his Critics, A<br> +Consistent League, A<br> +Coup d'etat, My<br> +Correspondence Bureau<br> +Contemporary Sentiments<br> +Conversion of the "<i>Sun</i>"<br> +Cool, if not Comfortable<br> +Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The<br> +Criticism of the Period<br> +Critical Intelligence<br> +Crispin <i>vs</i>. Coolie<br> +Current Tables<br> +CARTOONS—March 4, 1869—March 4, 1870<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Our Efficient Navy Department</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Descent of the great +Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Great National Game</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Financial Belief</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Sick Eagle</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Financial Inquisition</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Editorial Washing Day in New +York</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The New Plea for Murder</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">International Yachting</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Wedding Ring as Sorosis +would like to see it</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Blood Money</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"What I Know About Farming"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Wedding Ring again</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Modern Matrimony</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Yan-ki <i>vs</i>. Yankee</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The New Pandora's Box</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Lncifer's Little Game with his +Royal Puppets</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Death of the "Entente Cordial"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Wonderful Tour de Force</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Ovation of Murder</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Law <i>versus</i> Lawlessness</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">What Will He Do With It?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At the Saratoga Convention</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Humpty Dumpty</span><br> + <br> + <b>D.</b><br> + <br> +Depressions for Chicago<br> +Delights of Dougherty, The<br> +Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers<br> +Distinguished Visitor, A<br> +Dorgs, On<br> +Dogs Tale, A<br> +Down the Bay<br> +Drainage under Difficulties<br> +Dreadful State of Things out West, The<br> +Dubious English<br> +Dwarf Dejected, The<br> + <br> + <b>E.</b><br> + <br> +Earthly Paradise<br> +Editorial Washing Day<br> +Elevated Statesmanship<br> +England's Quandry<br> +Episode of Jack Horner<br> +Excellent Old Song Made New, An<br> +Excelsior<br> + <br> + <b>F.</b><br> + <br> +Fable<br> +Ferocity of Failure, The<br> +Female Gentleman, The<br> +Fifteenth Amendment<br> +Finances, On the<br> +Fish Sauce<br> +Fine Arts in Philadelphia<br> +Fiscalities<br> +Fish Culture<br> +Fishery Question, The<br> +Financial<br> +Financial Article, Our<br> +Four Seasons, The<br> +Forty-four to Fourteen<br> +Foreign Correspondence<br> +Foam<br> +Free Baths, The<br> +From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter<br> +Fun and Fin<br> + <br> + <b>G.</b><br> + <br> +Gay Young Joker, A<br> +George Francis the Ubiquitous<br> +Glimpses of Fortune<br> +Gossip in a School-house<br> +Good for Something Better<br> +Gravestones For Sale<br> +Grant's Blackbird pie<br> +Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort<br> +Greeley on Bailey<br> +Great Canal Enterprise, The<br> +Great African Tea Company, The<br> +Greek Meeting Greek<br> + <br> + <b>H.</b><br> + <br> +Habits of Great Men<br> +Hamlet from a Rural Point<br> +Hall and Hayes<br> +H. G. and Terpsichore<br> +Hints for the Family<br> +High and Low Church<br> +Hints upon High Art<br> +Hints to Car Conductors<br> +Hints for Those Who Will Take Them<br> +Hints for the Census<br> +High Notes by our Musical Critic<br> +Hiram Green at Saratoga<br> +Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel<br> +Hiram Green on the Chinese<br> +Hiram Green Experience as an Editor<br> +Hiram Green writes to Napoleon<br> +Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes<br> +Hiram Green at the Female Convention<br> +Hiram Green on Base Ball<br> +Hiram Green among the Fat men<br> +Hiram Green to Napoleon<br> +Hiram Green in Wall Street<br> +How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull<br> +Horticultural Hints<br> +Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The<br> +Homodeification<br> +Hyperborean<br> + <br> + <b>I.</b><br> + <br> +Idiomatic Items<br> +Important to Publishers<br> +Indian, The<br> +Interesting to Bone Boilers<br> +Interior Illumination<br> +Indian Question, The<br> +Information Wanted<br> +Inspiration vs. Perspiration<br> +Items from our Rural Reporters<br> + <br> + <b>J</b><br> + <br> +Joys of Summer, The<br> +Jottings from Washington<br> +Jumbles<br> +Jupiter Bellicosus<br> + <br> + <b>K</b><br> + <br> +Kellogg Testimonials, The<br> +King Oakey, the First<br> +King Craft Looking Up<br> + <br> + <b>L</b><br> + <br> +Latest from Washington<br> +Latest News Items<br> +Latest about "Lo."<br> +Letter from a Friend<br> +Letter of Advice, A<br> +Letter from a Japanese Student<br> +Letter from a Croaker, A<br> +Leaven of Leavenworth<br> +Literary Vampire<br> +Lines by a Hapless Swain<br> +Long Shot, A<br> +"Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs<br> +Love in a Boarding-House<br> +Lucus a non, etc<br> + <br> + <b>M</b><br> + <br> +Mariner's Wrongs, The<br> +Marriage Market in Rome, The<br> +Maine Question in Massachusetts<br> +Marine Mixture, A<br> +Managers of Railroads, To<br> +Medical Miss, A<br> +Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the<br> +Mercantile Library Association<br> +Mind your P's and Q's<br> +Miseries of a Handsome Man<br> +Motley Melody, A<br> +Municipal Competition<br> +Murphy the Conqueror<br> +Mythology, Of<br> +Mystery of Mr. E. Drood.<br> +Mythology, Further of<br> +Mythology, More<br> + <br> + <b>N</b><br> + <br> +National Taxidermy<br> +Napoleon's Latest Manifesto<br> +Natural Mistake, A<br> +New Conglomerate Pavement<br> +New England to New York<br> +New Railway Project, A<br> +New "Process", The<br> +Ninety-nine in the Shade<br> +Nothing like Leather<br> +Notary's Protest, A<br> +Nought for Nought<br> +Now We Shall Have It<br> +Notes from Chicago<br> +Now's your Chance<br> +Note from the Orchestra<br> + <br> + <b>O</b><br> + <br> +Ode to the Missing Collector<br> +Old Bailey Practitioner, An<br> +Old Boy to the Young Ones, An<br> +Old Saws Re-set<br> +Old Iron<br> +Olive Logan<br> +Opinions of the Press<br> +Orange Peel, Etcetera<br> +Origin of the Mississippi<br> +Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of<br> +Organizing an Organ<br> +Origin of Punchinello<br> +O, that air!<br> +Our Future<br> +Out of the Streets<br> +Our Literary Legate<br> +Our Cuban Telegrams<br> +Our Explosives<br> + <br> + <b>P</b><br> + <br> +Patriotic Adoration<br> +Pat to the Question<br> +Parable About the 12th of July<br> +Pardonable Solicitude<br> +Perennius Ære<br> +Periodical Literature<br> +Philadelvings<br> +Plays and Shows<br> +Please the Pigs<br> +Plea for Protection<br> +Pluckily Patriotic, Still<br> +Poems of the Cradle<br> +Popularity, Our<br> +Political Claptrap<br> +Police Report, Our<br> +Possible "Why" of it, The<br> +Portfolio, Our<br> +Prospectus<br> +Pump, The<br> +Punchinello's New Charter<br> +Punchinello in Wall Street<br> +Punchinello's Lyrics<br> +Punchinello and the Aldermen<br> +Punchinello on the Jury<br> +Punchinello Is Sorry<br> +Punchinello's Vacations<br> +Punchinello as a "Savan"<br> + <br> + <b>Q</b><br> + <br> +Query<br> + <br> + <b>R</b><br> + <br> +Raising Cain<br> +Rather Mixed<br> +Rather Flashy Idea, A<br> +Ramblings<br> +Real Estate of Woman, The<br> +Religious Amusements<br> +Remonstrance, A<br> +Religion of Temperance<br> +Receipe to be Tested<br> +Reform in Juvenile Literature<br> +Rejuvenated France<br> +Right and Left<br> +Robins, The<br> +Romaunt of the Oyster<br> +Rose by any other Name, A<br> +Roar from Niagara, A<br> +Romance of a Rich Young Man<br> + <br> + <b>S</b><br> + <br> +Sailing Directions, &c<br> +Science Forever<br> +Seasonable Parody, A<br> +Several Unsavory Renderings<br> +Ship Ahoy!<br> +Sic Semper Epluribus, &c<br> +Sorosian Impromptu, A<br> +Song of the Returned Soldier<br> +Song of the New Babel<br> +Song of the Red Cloud<br> +Song of the Chicago Lawyer<br> +Song of the Mosquito<br> +Society, &c<br> +Spencerian Chaff<br> +Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats<br> +Spring Fever<br> +Spirit of the Navy<br> +Standard Literature<br> +Stridor Pentium<br> +Summer on the Catskills<br> +Summer at Sandy Point<br> + <br> + <b>T</b><br> + <br> +Taking a Senator's Measure<br> +Take Care of the Wounded<br> +Temperance Song<br> +That Indian Talk<br> +Thiers, Idle Thiers<br> +Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus<br> +Titans<br> +"Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The<br> +To Our Readers<br> +Traveller's Tales<br> +Treatment for Potato Bugs<br> +Truly Noble<br> +Tutti Tremando<br> +Turkish Bath, My<br> + <br> + <b>U</b><br> + <br> +Ulyss, To<br> +Umbrella, The<br> +Uncle Samuel<br> +Universockdology<br> +Urbs in Rure<br> + <br> + <b>V</b><br> + <br> +V.H. to Punchinello<br> +Visit to "Sheridan's Ride"<br> +Voice from the Hub<br> +Voice of the Turtle, The<br> +Vultures Call, The<br> + <br> + <b>W</b><br> + <br> +Wanted, a Sheriff<br> +War, The<br> +Wat Cum Snecst<br> +Way to Become Great, The<br> +Weather Prophecies for May<br> +Western Nomenclature<br> +What the Press is Expected to Say<br> +What I Know About Free Trade<br> +What I Know About Protection<br> +What Is It<br> +What Sigerson Says<br> +What Shall We Call It?<br> +Why is it so Dry?<br> +Woman, Past and Present<br> +Women's Rights Again<br> +Woman in Wall Street<br> +Woman in the Census<br> +Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet<br> +Words and their Abases<br> +Wrong Mouth<br> +Wringer of the Future<br> + <br> + <b>Y</b><br> + <br> +Y.M.C.A.<br> + <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/14.jpg"> </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> <big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. Stewart& Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> +Have opened<br> +AN IMMENSE STOCK OF<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">SILKS,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +For<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">STREET AND EVENING DRESSES,</span><br> +At $2 per yard,<br> +Recently sold at $4 and $5.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A LARGE LINE OF</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">STRIPED SILKS,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">FRESH GOODS</span><br> + <br> +$1 to $1.50 per yard.<br> + <br> +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS<br> +IN<br> + <br> + <big><big style="font-weight: bold;">BLACK SILKS,</big></big><br> + <br> +From $1.25 per yard upward.<br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain and Plaid Poplins,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Satins de Chine,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Empress Cloths,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Royal Velvets,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Serges, etc.</span><br> + <br> + <small>Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully +requested to examine.</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</span><br> + <br> + </td> + <td rowspan="3" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. 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Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. 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(A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. +Stewart & Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>Have largely replenished all their<br> + <br> +Popular Stocks of</small><br> + <br> + <big><big>DRESS GOODS,</big></big><br> + <br> +Etc., Etc.<br> + <br> +WITH GOODS WHICH<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">For Quality, Style and Prices,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CANNOT BE EXCELLED,</span><br> + <br> + <small>and respectfully request purchasers<br> + <br> +To Examine the Same,</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY +BARGAINS</span></big><br> + <br> + <small>IN</small><br> + <br> + <big><big style="font-weight: bold;">CARPETS.</big></big><br> + <br> +100 Pieces Five-Frame<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH BRUSSELS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Reduced to $1.75 per yard.<br> + <br> + <small>200 Pieces do., Greater part<br> +Confined Styles, Reduced<br> +to $2 per yard.</small><br> + <br> +Very Best Quality<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS</span></big><br> + <br> +$1.30 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">FRENCH MOQUETTES</span></big><br> + <small>AND</small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">AXMINSTERS</span></big><br> + <br> +$3.50 and $4 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROYAL WILTONS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">CROSSLEY'S VELVETS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard.<br> + <br> +Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys.<br> + <br> +English and Domestic<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">OILCLOTHS, RUGS,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">MATS, ETC.,</span></big><br> + <br> +At extremely low prices<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. STEWART & Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="66%" rowspan="2"> + <center> <img alt="THE WIFE'S WINDFALL." src="images/16.jpg"> + <p><b>THE WIFE'S WINDFALL.</b></p> + <p><i>Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the +piano, last night.)</i> "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, +ANGELINA?"</p> + <p><i>Angelina.</i> "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS—AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW +PIANO STOOL, SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND—SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing +Ithaca—headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River +St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, +the White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern +New York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 10034 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/10034-h/images/01.jpg b/10034-h/images/01.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d86e65 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/01.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/01a.jpg b/10034-h/images/01a.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3ef75f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/01a.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/05.jpg b/10034-h/images/05.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..772914c --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/05.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/06.jpg b/10034-h/images/06.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b8fb341 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/06.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/07.jpg b/10034-h/images/07.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd3452e --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/07.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/08.jpg b/10034-h/images/08.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1fe0fa2 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/08.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/09.jpg b/10034-h/images/09.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..715d11a --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/09.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/12.jpg b/10034-h/images/12.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0d107e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/12.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/13.jpg b/10034-h/images/13.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f88c6a --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/13.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/14.jpg b/10034-h/images/14.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..82d8d60 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/14.jpg diff --git a/10034-h/images/16.jpg b/10034-h/images/16.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..94bbc09 --- /dev/null +++ b/10034-h/images/16.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aecf99e --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #10034 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/10034) diff --git a/old/10034-8.txt b/old/10034-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..311f05d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/10034-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2888 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September 24, +1870, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10034] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 26 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol 1. No. 26. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. KERR, + +Continued in this Number. + + * * * * * + +See 15th Page for Extra Premiums. + + * * * * * + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bound Volume No. 1. | + | | + | The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, | + | September 24, 1870, | + | | + | Bound in Fine Cloth, | + | | + | will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870. | + | | + | PRICE $2.50. | + | | + | Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of | + | price. | + | | + | A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, | + | and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to | + | any subscriber for $5.50. | + | | + | Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an | + | extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three | + | subscriptions for $16.50. | + | | + | One copy of paper for one year, with a | + | fine chromo premium, for------ $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies, mailed free .10 | + | | + | Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is | + | electrotyped. | + | | + | Book canvassers will find this volume a | + | | + | Very Saleable Book. | + | | + | Orders supplied at a very liberal discount. | + | | + | All remittances should be made in | + | | + | Post Office orders. | + | | + | Canvassers wanted for the paper, | + | | + | everywhere. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | Punchinello Publishing Co., | + | | + | 83 NASSAU ST., N. Y. | + | | + | P.O. Box No, 2783. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | TO NEWS-DEALERS | + | | + | Punchinello's Monthly. | + | | + | The Weekly Numbers for August, | + | | + | Bound in a Handsome Cover, | + | | + | Is now ready. Price Fifty Cents. | + | | + | THE TRADE | + | | + | Supplied by the | + | | + | AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, | + | | + | Who are now prepared to receive Orders. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | WEVILL & HAMMAR, | + | | + | Wood Engravers, | + | | + | 208 BROADWAY, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | Bowling Green Savings-Bank | + | | + | 33 Broadway | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | Open Every Day from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M, | + | | + | _Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents | + | to Ten Thousand Dollars, will be received._ | + | | + | Six per Cent interest, | + | Free of Government Tax. | + | | + | INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS | + | | + | Commences on the First of every Month. | + | | + | HENRY SMITH _President_ | + | | + | REEVES E. SELMES, _Secretary_ | + | | + | WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, _Vice-Presidents._ | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | NEWS DEALERS | + | | + | ON | + | | + | RAILROADS, | + | | + | STEAMBOATS, | + | | + | And at | + | WATERING PLACES, | + | | + | Will find the Monthly Numbers of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO" | + | | + | For April, May, June, July, and August, an attractive | + | and Saleable Work | + | | + | Single Copies Price 50 cts. | + | | + | For trade price address American News Co., or | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO, | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FORST & AVERELL, | + | | + | Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press | + | | + | PRINTERS, | + | | + | EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL | + | MANUFACTURERS, | + | | + | Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application | + | | + | 23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + | [P.O. Box 2845] | + | | + | NEW YORK | + | | + | 20-22 Gold Street, | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | FOLEY'S | + | | + | GOLD PENS | + | | + | The Best and Cheapest | + | | + | 256 Broadway | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | $2 to ALBANY and TROY | + | | + | The Day Line Steamboats, C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew, | + | commencing May 31. will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and | + | Thirty-fourth st. at 9 a.m., landing at Yonkers, (Nyack, and | + | Tarrytown by ferry-boat), Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, | + | Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson | + | and New-Baltimore. A special train of broad-gauge cars in | + | connection with the day boats will leave on arrival at | + | Albany (commencing June 20) for Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25 | + | from New York and for Cherry Valley. The Steamboat Seneca | + | will transfer passengers from Albany to Troy. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | J. NICKINSON | + | | + | begs to announce to the friends of | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | residing in the country, that, for their convenience, he has | + | made arrangements by which, on receipt of the price of | + | | + | ANY STANDARD BOOK PUBLISHED, | + | | + | the same will be forwarded, postage paid. | + | | + | Parties desiring Catalogues of any of Our Publishing | + | Houses, can have the same forwarded by inclosing two | + | stamps | + | | + | OFFICE OF | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | [P. O. Box 2783.] | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HENRY L. STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORFHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD. + +The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation +having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a +time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the city +and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is ridiculously and absurdly alone. + +Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an +ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there +some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current +of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at +one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. + +Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some +of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest +Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest +Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook +amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of +the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath +the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled +guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts +feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun; while, to +the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or buckwheat, is an +incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere temptation to guess +how many Swallows there may be in it. + +Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is informed, by a +servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her his love, would +be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and bring him a fan. + +"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" cries the +young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks and pensive +smiles before her mirror. + +"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen you +looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said that +he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, on +purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door." + +"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding +her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish +members. + +After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the +scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the +meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the visitor +in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder +that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she +arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat +hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming +un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one +wholly unprepared for company. + +Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic seat, the +Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing straw hat, +looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some prudish +slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire of a +western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. + +"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I don't know +when I've felt anything smart so." + +"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a seat +before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her dress +so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen. + +Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around him, Mr. +BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be enthralling, +but for the nervous twisting of his features under the torments of a +singularly adhesive fly. + +"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon you will be +ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?" + +"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling +answer. + +The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently. +"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody +listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about +those music-lessons?" + +"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While we are +all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales." + +Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his bushy head +several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he replies. +"There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, +fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments +unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is +not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the +intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the candor of an +idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life have been +spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from DONIZETTI; and +the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted ever having been +born were those in which you have played, in my hearing, the +Drinking-song from _La Traviata_. Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, +there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound +melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, +your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends +and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of +the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, +give the love already bestowed upon me." + +"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," cries FLORA, +not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, too, that +they think somebody has killed him." + +Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before her, and the +dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the intensify of his +gaze. + +"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our +last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was +to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to +associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the +censorious, and invite suspicions tending to our early cross-examination +by our Irish local magistrate. I do not say, of course, that you +actually destroyed my nephew for fear he should try to prejudice me +against you; but I cannot withhold my earnest approval of your judicious +pretence of a sentiment palpably incompatible with the shedding of the +blood of its departed object. If you will move your dress a little, so +that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, +that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers." + +"My head upon _your_ shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly +about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my +own shoulders, sir." + +"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. +"If a little hair-oil and powder _does_ come off upon my coat, the +latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is our fate to never +get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck together." + +She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating +along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't +have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and +seems hurt. + +"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially when +fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I never +gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not think it +would be right" + +The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in its +delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, that the +agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm was always +reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, and whenever +I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth until it tickled +me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it wasn't you that I +preferred, at all; it was--oh, it's too ridiculous to tell!" + +In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from +him into the house, when he speaks again. + +"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such, +that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle +to which you could give no pleased attention?" + +"What do you mean, you absurd creature?" + +"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my double loss. +You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was found an apple +looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. You know, that +when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca waist which looked +as though it had been exposed more than once to the rain.--See the +point?" + +FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it." + +"Suppose," he goes on--"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and say: +'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote for you +again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black +alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in +this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple +singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his +sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'--See the +point now?" + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible menace of his +manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is guilty than I, +myself, am; and as for your old umbrella--" + +"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. "Not even +your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled friend. By +a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I hold the fate +of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be particularly +sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival." + +FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing head and +display a bracelet. + +"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must be so +perfectly awful!" + +Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the +contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his +straw hat. + +"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce +you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both +longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My +poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your +momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from my +habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you--" + +"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color. + +"--That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section of the +Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going through +the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in his +outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"--placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.--"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD." + +His manner is as though he were commending some patent article of +unquestionable utility. + +"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away the brown +linen arm coming after her again. + +Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and seems +momentarily surprised at the hollow sound. + +"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my observation +and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there never was a +wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first sworn to love, +as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman that if she had +felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the sight of him, it +wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality and dissipated +habits to drive her from his side through all their lives. There can be +no better sign of our future happiness, than for you to say, beforehand, +that you utterly detest the man of your choice." + +There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of +thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it +into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly +dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest avowal of +present personal dislike the most promising indication she can give of +eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode of reasoning +is more profound and composing than an article in a New York newspaper +on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical conversation, she +arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily into the house, when +he leaps athletically after her, and catches her in the doorway. + +"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient +restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a +secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling +out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's +the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a +fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it." + +The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting +bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to +her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having +conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist. + +_(To be Continued.)_ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD FIGHT. + +We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate +they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. + +But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever so great, +we have reason to doubt whether any other of these accomplished parties +has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a subject, as that which +is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss LILLIAN EDGARTON. + +She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under. + +That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence required to +pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. E. is about to +attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! Considered as a +Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. Considered as a +living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any Dragon described by +SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him incontinently. + +Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for some such +Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of +this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals +longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our +son, go in vehemently! + +And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your +attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay? +We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now, +we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them. + +We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You kill little +Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will fall, before our +mighty battle-axe! + +(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply because when +our dear young knight, L.E., has killed _her_ Dragon, she will have +wiped out the whole brood! They can't live without their sweet and +attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall +take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have +done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. Trust us, for +that!) + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN. + +September, 1870. + + I _was_ an Emperor. _Voilà c'est bon!_ + BAZAINE, MACMAHON, fought--'twas my affair. + Only, to please my doctor, NELATON, + I left the throne, to take a Sedan chair. + + * * * * * + +Unlimited Lie-Ability. + +_Veritas_ writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry from Wall +Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 persons reading +PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the _Sun_ on board, +until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid appearance +produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of which +seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, which +proved to be the _Sun._ + + * * * * * + +A Con for the "Ninth." + +What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a New York +Ice Company? + +Both are tremendous Chargers. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Here I am again, back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, +the war closing, and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, +by leading the Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to +be in a position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN--"As I +cannot fall, ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to +your victorious Excellency." + +Being back, I went to see _Julius Cæsar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the +day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer, +ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of +March, but of the _Idées Napoléoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at +a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his +newspaper, the virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. +Of course I know that JULIUS CÆSAR was not a Frenchman--for the modesty +of his "Commentaries" is proverbial--and that SHAKESPEARE never so much +as heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CÆSARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and I +may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As I +said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, and +being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking down +the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, the +reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text between +my _Julius Cæsar,_ and that of the respectable and able Mr. SHAKESPEARE. + +ACT I.--_Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the shillelahs +of the period._ + +1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CÆSAR is going to march to Berlin. +Hooray for the Hemperor." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war began, +but to-day the people despise him." + +CASSIUS. "I hate this CÆSAR. Once he tried to swim across the British +Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and couldn't do it. When he +is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any other man. Obviously he +don't deserve to live." + +CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be +discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows +of Paris." + +BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw +glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and +will make people think I am a profound philosopher." + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CÆSAR, governed the Roman +rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only mistakes were, in not +sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, without ROCHEFORT'S +cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending BRUTUS as Minister to some +capital so dreary that he would have shot himself as soon as he reached +his destination." + +ACT II.--_Enter_ BRUTUS _and fellow radicals._ + +BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CÆSAR, and I therefore gladly join +your noble band of assassins. We will kill him and establish a +provisional government with myself at its head. CÆSAR is ambitious, and +I hate ambition. All I want is to be the ruler of Rome." + +CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! Away!" + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS +and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of excellence and integrity. +What did they and their fellow scoundrels do after they had killed +CÆSAR, but desolate their country with civil war?" + +ACT III.--_Enter_ ASSASSINS _headed by_ BRUTUS _and_ GAMBETTA, CASSIUS +_and_ ROCHEFORT. + +CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's +hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They +stab him.)_ + +CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than +ever." + +_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CÆSAR." + +CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. +Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some +windows presently." + +POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife +and smash everything generally." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. +To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will +want him back again." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his +uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I +admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY +praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and +BRUTUS, and their gang?" + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't +wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new +republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American +people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the +French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a +raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so." + +And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the +Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the +prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it in +the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen +calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the +century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the +firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the +best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the +resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Insurrectionary. + +PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to +Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the +disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny +isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. +ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, +for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed. + + * * * * * + +Bluff King Bill. + +L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off +from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration +of "footing the Bill." + + * * * * * + +Query. + +As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, +will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude? + + * * * * * + +A Seasonable Conundrum. + +Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census. + + * * * * * + +A Suggestion. + +In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel +JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR. + +A Sketch In the Bowery. + +_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?" + +_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?" + +_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +LAKE GEORGE, August 30. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the +last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of +proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of +suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I +consider Lake George a success. + +Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified +to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove +up. + +It was a sort of delicate attention, you know. + +I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since +then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time. + +The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It +is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French +troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges. + +Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of +thing. + +Perhaps not! + +Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, +five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs. + +The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a +little too much mint in them, I must say. + +L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks. + +Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, +Champlain. + +Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore +particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the +scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end. + +The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," +principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of +pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a +good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up +jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one. + +The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" +Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely +_four_ of them. + +I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk. + +This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these +islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally +got "soaked." + +This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was +born here, I suppose he knows. + +This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and +asked me if I wouldn't like to live there. + +He said he thought it would just suit me. + +The attention of these people is really delightful. + +Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for +instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it +was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either. + +He wanted to know if I had ever dined there. + +I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat +fellows, always. + +About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain. + +A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there. + +That may have had something to do with its name. + +Nobody ever goes there now. + +People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for +something very extraordinary in the Echo line. + +It has what is called a "Double Echo." + +I fully expected something of this kind. + +Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those +unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it +is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place +echo. + +I consider them "_holler_ mockeries." + +Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows: + +First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with. + +This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as +usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair +French. + +I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled. + +Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very +creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it +made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus. + +But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy. + +From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, +while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered +imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same. + +This staggered me! + +I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the +Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about +Farming." + +_That settled him!_ + +He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of +him! + +The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. +But then you see he had held the office a good while. + +He hasn't left the business to any one, either. + +In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The +sign is down. + +In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the +celebrated "Roger's Slide." + +SAGINAW DODD. + +[_To be continued._] + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +POPULARITY. + +Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved +by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those +who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third +stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time +to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off +somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, +in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their +pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable +news-dealers, at a price within reach of all. + +The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to +posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom. + +It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a +view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in +confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that +sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one +dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces +such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for +high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c. + +I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate +compensation. + +General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us +have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of +it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all +summer," was also a happy thought. + +When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made +gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called +deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a +man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that +something of this sort went the rounds: + + "We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, + during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was + gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in + Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few + words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point." + +At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the +reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended +for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying +anything else. + +If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must +go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's +else. Thus--from a daily paper: + + "The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private + conversation, that the present war would probably end in + victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon." + +Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating +saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were +reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste +and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he +said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner +that thrilled his listeners. + +But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY +has--though it may be a little mildewed. + +Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a +masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a +popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily +have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved. + +But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The +Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By +MOSE SKINNER." + +I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after +retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope. + +MORAL SUASION. + +A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the +following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this +wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at +breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife +and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the +scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, +with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife. + +I will now quote my friends' own words: + +"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and +utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had +visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest +impression upon him. + +"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's +heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal +ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his +mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that +what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. + +"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave +me power to cope with this relentless disposition. + +"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged +manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for +his well being. + +"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable +pathos into my voice, I said: + +"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you +sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?" + +"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his +lips twitched convulsively." + +"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she +kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--" + +"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground +afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's +tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a +malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a +chance, jest for a change?" + +"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the +man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six +respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid +the hysteric weeps of three more in the background." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRACTICAL. + +_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY." + +_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER +BRUSSIAN BIER."] + + * * * * * + +Hot and Cold. + +The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of +an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be +without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping +us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT JUST YET! + +_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY +ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc. + +_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING +I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc. + +_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL +PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus, Phoca.--The Seal. + +This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of +the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the +German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is +equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal. + +The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, +although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. +Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily +engenders confusion. + +Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, +wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport +is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in +general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false +seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the +counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the +Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the +Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after. + +Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing +is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal +passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men +act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation. + +The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very +early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. +JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must +have been well acquainted with their internal structure. + +The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on +the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in +the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that +it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression. + +The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and +seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the +British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious. + +None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may +readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied +has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. +KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to +defend themselves, according to PANEY. + +In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the +coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of +them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken +the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs +disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid +creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a +Se(a)ward direction. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT. + +The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well +as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus +noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well +sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains +PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is +not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it +is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by +turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely +unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index +PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) +Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in +preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) +Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. +(and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ +can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage +who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that +familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly +understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully +appreciated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT +FALL." + +AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO +BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE +CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET. + +His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound +Advice from the Squire. + +Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street +brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the +members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street. + +Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, +Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my +chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters +WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72. + +Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted +hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em: + +My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen: + +As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say +nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily +intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle +alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the +old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a +patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in +a hily clawed up stait. + +Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to +avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel +Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I +believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with +a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible +to rest his timber on. + +My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all +the money I can borrer on it. + +With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are +"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar +passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have +raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up +a greenhorn. + +And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned +site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of +daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, +well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers. + +How do you manage, when you want to make a steak? + +You run up stocks and produce a crysis. + +Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake +and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, +when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall +Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the +heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good +many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too +often. + +If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate +off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked +off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in +the follerin' him: + + Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho', + From which lame ducks are driven, + "Up in a balloon they allers go, + To Tophet, not to Heaven." + +Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. +VANDERBILT. + +What did you do t'other day? + +Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, +up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the +Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his +fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my +friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the +present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway +robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller +citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet. + +When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a +great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal +tender, which is in suckin' distance. + +For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones +thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but +as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and +Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' +_Jew de spree_: + + Come rest on this buzzum, + Oh! butiful broker, + With your arms clinchin' tite, + This innercent choker. + + I'le stand it from thee, + If you'll never go near, + The Bulls and the Bears, + When HIRAM is here. + +(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little +breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so +bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. +VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) + +I agin resoomed: + +My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' +words of advice. + +Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the +hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many +little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your +confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like +the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. +But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by +smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say +is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by +telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand +in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of +betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, +feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close +with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants: + + "Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla, + Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;" + Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw. + The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw. + +Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall +Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down. + +Ewers, without a dowt, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Stage By-play. + +A sporting paper gives the following item: + +"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic +theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the +Union base-ball grounds, last week." + +Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN +BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the +short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. +The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made +them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure +to be caught out in the "flies." + + * * * * * + +Professional. + +"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the +subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know +of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is +called Strychnine." + + * * * * * + +A FECULENT NUISANCE. + +Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, +for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by +a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the +foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. +Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a +quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, +for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern +is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion +into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of +rush-lights. + + * * * * * + +The Greatest Joke of the Season. + +The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City +of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME +TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE +FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT." + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. +When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for +Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the +objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite +the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into +Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A +close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on +the Subject. + +I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I +made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk +frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. +Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the +Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely +difficult to make both ends meet. + +Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called +scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend +the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most +gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned +body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the +members by its distinguished head. + +Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly +profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent +theory may be carried in the advance of science. + +Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from +various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated +that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that +ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, +was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. +NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling +down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of +these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give +a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science. + +Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on +Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient +Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The +audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense +learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, +only interrupted by an occasional snore. + +A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor +M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively +that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on +any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the +author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in +the scientific world. + +Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon +Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the +Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the +action of rust. + +A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be +turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease +to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the +wheels. + +This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, +and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the +distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten. + +Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said +would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may +possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are +said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel. + +The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the +Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the +audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular +Sneezers in point of size. + +An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, +Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation. + +He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an +immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also +observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features +of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the +missing Fenian Head Centre. + +When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had +subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: + +"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound +gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent +addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is +an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as +I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of +learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary +text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables +them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through +an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination +which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous +plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, +when the bag is open. + +As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and +Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the +Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections +on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, +as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the +Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'" + +I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I +had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar +sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on +investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, +that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them +published, and to send you a copy of each. + +Profoundly yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +Pearing Time. + +We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in +blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before +been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go +pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor? + + * * * * * + +INDEX + + A. + + About a Clock + Advice to Picnic Parties + Aerated Verbiage + Agricultural Column, Our + Albany Cock Robins + Allurements of the Period + All Aboard for Holland + All Hail + American Cutlery in France + Answers to Correspondents + Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? + Astronomical Conversations + Associated Press Telegrams + Augean Job, An + + B. + + Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The + Bachelor's Moving Day, The + Bad "Odor" in the West + Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten + "Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c. + Beautiful Snow + Bit of Natural History, A + Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The + Bingham on Rome + Blocks and Blockheads + Book Notices + Boyhood + Bow-Wow! + Broadbrim to Aborigine + Business + By George + + C. + + Cause and Effect + Captain Hall, To + Cable News + Caution + Cats, On + Card of Thanks, A + Chat about Railroads, A + Chance for our Organ Grinders, A + Charge of the Ninth Brigade + Chinopathy + China Pattern, A + Chincapin at Long Branch + Chincapin among the Free Lovers + Church Militant + Cincinnatus Sweeny + Condensed Congress + Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy + Cons, by a Wrecker + Comic Zoology + Congressman to his Critics, A + Consistent League, A + Coup d'etat, My + Correspondence Bureau + Contemporary Sentiments + Conversion of the "_Sun_" + Cool, if not Comfortable + Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The + Criticism of the Period + Critical Intelligence + Crispin _vs_. Coolie + Current Tables + CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870 + Our Efficient Navy Department + The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies + The Great National Game + Financial Belief + The Sick Eagle + The Financial Inquisition + Editorial Washing Day in New York + The New Plea for Murder + International Yachting + The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it + The Blood Money + "What I Know About Farming" + The Wedding Ring again + Modern Matrimony + Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee + The New Pandora's Box + Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets + Death of the "Entente Cordial" + Wonderful Tour de Force + The Ovation of Murder + Law _versus_ Lawlessness + What Will He Do With It? + At the Saratoga Convention + Humpty Dumpty + + D. + + Depressions for Chicago + Delights of Dougherty, The + Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers + Distinguished Visitor, A + Dorgs, On + Dogs Tale, A + Down the Bay + Drainage under Difficulties + Dreadful State of Things out West, The + Dubious English + Dwarf Dejected, The + + E. + + Earthly Paradise + Editorial Washing Day + Elevated Statesmanship + England's Quandry + Episode of Jack Horner + Excellent Old Song Made New, An + Excelsior + + F. + + Fable + Ferocity of Failure, The + Female Gentleman, The + Fifteenth Amendment + Finances, On the + Fish Sauce + Fine Arts in Philadelphia + Fiscalities + Fish Culture + Fishery Question, The + Financial + Financial Article, Our + Four Seasons, The + Forty-four to Fourteen + Foreign Correspondence + Foam + Free Baths, The + From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter + Fun and Fin + + G. + + Gay Young Joker, A + George Francis the Ubiquitous + Glimpses of Fortune + Gossip in a School-house + Good for Something Better + Gravestones For Sale + Grant's Blackbird pie + Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort + Greeley on Bailey + Great Canal Enterprise, The + Great African Tea Company, The + Greek Meeting Greek + + H. + + Habits of Great Men + Hamlet from a Rural Point + Hall and Hayes + H. G. and Terpsichore + Hints for the Family + High and Low Church + Hints upon High Art + Hints to Car Conductors + Hints for Those Who Will Take Them + Hints for the Census + High Notes by our Musical Critic + Hiram Green at Saratoga + Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel + Hiram Green on the Chinese + Hiram Green Experience as an Editor + Hiram Green writes to Napoleon + Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes + Hiram Green at the Female Convention + Hiram Green on Base Ball + Hiram Green among the Fat men + Hiram Green to Napoleon + Hiram Green in Wall Street + How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull + Horticultural Hints + Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The + Homodeification + Hyperborean + + I. + + Idiomatic Items + Important to Publishers + Indian, The + Interesting to Bone Boilers + Interior Illumination + Indian Question, The + Information Wanted + Inspiration vs. Perspiration + Items from our Rural Reporters + + J + + Joys of Summer, The + Jottings from Washington + Jumbles + Jupiter Bellicosus + + K + + Kellogg Testimonials, The + King Oakey, the First + King Craft Looking Up + + L + + Latest from Washington + Latest News Items + Latest about "Lo." + Letter from a Friend + Letter of Advice, A + Letter from a Japanese Student + Letter from a Croaker, A + Leaven of Leavenworth + Literary Vampire + Lines by a Hapless Swain + Long Shot, A + "Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs + Love in a Boarding-House + Lucus a non, etc + + M + + Mariner's Wrongs, The + Marriage Market in Rome, The + Maine Question in Massachusetts + Marine Mixture, A + Managers of Railroads, To + Medical Miss, A + Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the + Mercantile Library Association + Mind your P's and Q's + Miseries of a Handsome Man + Motley Melody, A + Municipal Competition + Murphy the Conqueror + Mythology, Of + Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. + Mythology, Further of + Mythology, More + + N + + National Taxidermy + Napoleon's Latest Manifesto + Natural Mistake, A + New Conglomerate Pavement + New England to New York + New Railway Project, A + New "Process", The + Ninety-nine in the Shade + Nothing like Leather + Notary's Protest, A + Nought for Nought + Now We Shall Have It + Notes from Chicago + Now's your Chance + Note from the Orchestra + + O + + Ode to the Missing Collector + Old Bailey Practitioner, An + Old Boy to the Young Ones, An + Old Saws Re-set + Old Iron + Olive Logan + Opinions of the Press + Orange Peel, Etcetera + Origin of the Mississippi + Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of + Organizing an Organ + Origin of Punchinello + O, that air! + Our Future + Out of the Streets + Our Literary Legate + Our Cuban Telegrams + Our Explosives + + P + + Patriotic Adoration + Pat to the Question + Parable About the 12th of July + Pardonable Solicitude + Perennius Ære + Periodical Literature + Philadelvings + Plays and Shows + Please the Pigs + Plea for Protection + Pluckily Patriotic, Still + Poems of the Cradle + Popularity, Our + Political Claptrap + Police Report, Our + Possible "Why" of it, The + Portfolio, Our + Prospectus + Pump, The + Punchinello's New Charter + Punchinello in Wall Street + Punchinello's Lyrics + Punchinello and the Aldermen + Punchinello on the Jury + Punchinello Is Sorry + Punchinello's Vacations + Punchinello as a "Savan" + + Q + + Query + + R + + Raising Cain + Rather Mixed + Rather Flashy Idea, A + Ramblings + Real Estate of Woman, The + Religious Amusements + Remonstrance, A + Religion of Temperance + Receipe to be Tested + Reform in Juvenile Literature + Rejuvenated France + Right and Left + Robins, The + Romaunt of the Oyster + Rose by any other Name, A + Roar from Niagara, A + Romance of a Rich Young Man + + S + + Sailing Directions, &c + Science Forever + Seasonable Parody, A + Several Unsavory Renderings + Ship Ahoy! + Sic Semper Epluribus, &c + Sorosian Impromptu, A + Song of the Returned Soldier + Song of the New Babel + Song of the Red Cloud + Song of the Chicago Lawyer + Song of the Mosquito + Society, &c + Spencerian Chaff + Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats + Spring Fever + Spirit of the Navy + Standard Literature + Stridor Pentium + Summer on the Catskills + Summer at Sandy Point + + T + + Taking a Senator's Measure + Take Care of the Wounded + Temperance Song + That Indian Talk + Thiers, Idle Thiers + Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus + Titans + "Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The + To Our Readers + Traveller's Tales + Treatment for Potato Bugs + Truly Noble + Tutti Tremando + Turkish Bath, My + + U + + Ulyss, To + Umbrella, The + Uncle Samuel + Universockdology + Urbs in Rure + + V + + V.H. to Punchinello + Visit to "Sheridan's Ride" + Voice from the Hub + Voice of the Turtle, The + Vultures Call, The + + W + + Wanted, a Sheriff + War, The + Wat Cum Snecst + Way to Become Great, The + Weather Prophecies for May + Western Nomenclature + What the Press is Expected to Say + What I Know About Free Trade + What I Know About Protection + What Is It + What Sigerson Says + What Shall We Call It? + Why is it so Dry? + Woman, Past and Present + Women's Rights Again + Woman in Wall Street + Woman in the Census + Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet + Words and their Abases + Wrong Mouth + Wringer of the Future + + Y + + Y.M.C.A. + + * * * * * + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart& Co. | + | | + | Have opened | + | | + | AN IMMENSE STOCK OF | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | For | + | | + | STREET AND EVENING DRESSES, | + | | + | At $2 per yard, | + | | + | Recently sold at $4 and $5. | + | | + | A LARGE LINE OF | + | | + | STRIPED SILKS, | + | | + | FRESH GOODS | + | | + | $1 to $1.50 per yard. | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | From $1.25 per yard upward. | + | | + | Plain and Plaid Poplins, | + | Satins de Chine, | + | Empress Cloths, | + | Royal Velvets, | + | Serges, etc. | + | | + | Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully | + | requested to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Have largely replenished all their | + | | + | Popular Stocks of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | Etc., Etc. | + | | + | WITH GOODS WHICH | + | | + | For Quality, Style and Prices, | + | | + | CANNOT BE EXCELLED, | + | | + | and respectfully request purchasers | + | | + | To Examine the Same, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | CARPETS. | + | | + | 100 Pieces Five-Frame | + | | + | ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | + | | + | Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | 200 Pieces do., Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced | + | to $2 per yard. | + | | + | Very Best Quality | + | | + | ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | + | | + | $1.30 per yard. | + | | + | FRENCH MOQUETTES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | AXMINSTERS | + | | + | $3.50 and $4 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | + | | + | CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | + | | + | Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | + | | + | English and Domestic | + | | + | OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | + | | + | MATS, ETC., | + | | + | At extremely low prices | + | | + | A.T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10034] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 26 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +</pre> + +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="1" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">CONANT'S<br> + </span></p> + <p>PATENT BINDERS FOR</p> + <p> <big><big><b>"PUNCHINELLO",</b></big></big></p> + <p>to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent post-paid, on +receipt of One Dollar,</p> + <p> by</p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,<br> + </b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street, New York City.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> <img alt="CARBOLIC SALVE" src="images/01a.jpg"> + <p><b>Recommended by Physicians.</b></p> + <p>The best Salve in use for all disorders of the skin, for Cuts, +Burns, Wounds, &c.</p> + <p>USED IN HOSPITALS.<br> +SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>PRICE 25 CENTS.</small></p> + <p>JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor,<br> +No. 8 College Place, New York.</p> + </center> + </td> + <td width="33%"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>STEEL PENS.</big></big></big></p> + <p>These pens are of a finer quality, more durable, and cheaper +than any other Pen in the market. Special attention is called to the +following grades, as being better suited for business purposes than any +Pen manufactured. The</p> + <p><b>"505," "22,"</b> and the <b>"Anti-Corrosive."</b></p> + <p>We recommend for bank and office use.</p> + <p><b>D. APPLETON & CO.,</b> <b><br> +Sole Agents for United States.</b></p> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" align="center" border="0" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> + <center> <br> + <br> + <img alt="" src="images/01.jpg"><br> + <h1>PUNCHINELLO</h1> + <h2>Vol. 1. No. 26.</h2> + <p>SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.</p> + <br> + <h3>PUBLISHED BY THE</h3> + <br> + <h3>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</h3> + <br> + <br> + <h4>83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.</h4> + </center> + <br> + <br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR, +Continued in this Number.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><small>See 15th page for Extra Premiums.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="3" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 30%;" rowspan="6"> + <center> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>Bound Volume<br> + </big></big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><big>No. 1.</big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big><br> + </big></big></p> + <p><small>The first volume of PUNCHINELLO, ending with No. 26, +September 24, 1870,<br> + <br> + </small></p> + <p><b><big><big>Bound in Fine Cloth,</big></big><br> + </b></p> + <p><b><br> + </b></p> + <p><small>will be ready for delivery on Oct. 1, 1870.</small></p> + <p><b>PRICE $2.50.</b></p> + <p>Sent postpaid to any part of the United States on receipt of +price.</p> + <br> + <p>A copy of the paper for one year, from October 1st, No. 27, +and the Bound Volume (the latter prepaid,) will be sent to any +subscriber for $5.50.</p> + <br> + <p>Three copies for one year, and three Bound Volumes, with an +extra copy of Bound Volume, to any person sending us three +subscriptions for $16.50.</p> + <p><b>One copy of paper for one year, with a fine chromo premium, +for------ $4.00<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p><b>Single copies, mailed free .10<br> + <br> + </b></p> + <p>Back numbers can always be supplied, as the paper is +electrotyped.</p> + <p><br> +Book canvassers will find<br> +this volume a</p> + <p><b>Very Saleable Book.</b></p> + <p>Orders supplied at a very liberal discount.</p> + <p>All remittances should be made in</p> + <p>Post Office orders.</p> + <p>Canvassers wanted for the paper,</p> + <p>everywhere.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Punchinello Publishing Co.,</big></p> + <p><big>83 NASSAU ST.,<br> + </big></p> + <p><big>N. Y.</big></p> + <p><big>P.O. Box No, 2783.</big></p> + </center> + </td> + <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> + <p><b>TO NEWS-DEALERS.</b></p> + <p><big><b>Punchinello's Monthly.</b></big></p> + <p><small>The Weekly Numbers for August,</small></p> + <p><b>Bound in a Handsome Cover,</b></p> + <p>Is now ready. Price, Fifty Cents.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">THE TRADE</p> + <p>Supplied by the</p> + <p><span style="font-weight: bold;">AMERICAN NEW</span>S COMPANY,</p> + <p><small>Who are now prepared to receive Orders.</small></p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>FORST & AVERELL</big></big></p> + <p>Steam, Lithograph, and Letter Press</p> + <p><big><big>PRINTERS,</big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">EMBOSSERS, ENGRAVERS, AND LABEL +MANUFACTURERS.</span></p> + <p><small>Sketches and Estimates furnished upon application.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><b>23 Platt Street, and 20-22 Gold +Street,</b><br> +NEW YORK.<br> +[P.O. BOX 2845.]</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>FOLEY'S<br> + <big>GOLD PENS.</big></big></big><br> + <span style="font-weight: normal;">THE BEST AND CHEAPEST.</span><br> +256 BROADWAY.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>WEVILL & HAMMAR</b>,</big></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>Wood Engravers,</big></big></p> + <p><b>208 Broadway</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><big><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">$2<br> + </span></big></big> <span style="font-weight: bold;">to ALBANY +and TROY.</span></big></big></p> + <p><b>The Day Line Steamboats C. Vibbard and Daniel Drew,</b> +commencing May 31, will leave Vestry st. Pier at 8.45, and +Thirty-fourth st at 9 a.m., landing at <b>Yonkers, (Nyack, and +Tarrytown</b> by ferry-boat), <b>Cozzens, West Point, Cornwall, +Newburgh, Poughkeepsie, Rhinebeck, Bristol, Catskill, Hudson, and +New-Baltimore.</b> A special train of broad-gauge cars in connection +with the day boats will leave on arrival at Albany (commencing June 20) +for <b>Sharon Springs. Fare $4.25</b> from New York and for Cherry +Valley. The Steamboat Seneca will transfer passengers from Albany to +Troy</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><big>Bowling Green Savings-Bank<br> + </big><br> +33 BROADWAY,<br> + <b>NEW YORK</b>.</p> + <p>Open Every Day from<br> +10 A.M. to 3 P.M.</p> + <p><small><i>Deposits of any sum, from Ten Cents<br> +to Ten Thousand Dollars will be received</i>.</small></p> + <p><b>Six per Cent interest,<br> +Free of Government Tax</b></p> + <p><small>INTEREST ON NEW DEPOSITS<br> +Commences on the First of every Month.</small></p> + <p>HENRY SMITH, <i>President</i><br> +REEVES E. SELMES, <i>Secretary</i>.<br> +WALTER ROCHE, EDWARD HOGAN, <i>Vice-Presidents</i>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>ESTABLISHED 1866. JAS R.</small></p> + <p> NICHOLS, M.D.<br> +WM. J. ROLFE. A.M.<br> +Editors</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Boston Journal of Chemistry.</big></p> + <p>Devoted to the Science of <span style="font-weight: bold;"><br> + </span> <b>HOME LIFE</b>,<b><br> +The Arts, Agriculture, and Medicine</b>.</p> + <p>$1.00 Per Year.</p> + <p><i>Journal and Punchinello<br> +(without Premium).</i> $4.00</p> + <p>SEND FOR SPECIMEN-COPY<br> + Address—JOURNAL OF CHEMISTRY,</p> + <p><b>150 CONGRESS STREET,<br> +BOSTON</b>.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td rowspan="2" align="center"> + <p><b>NEWS DEALERS</b>.<br> + <small>ON</small><br> + <b>RAILROADS,<br> +STEAMBOATS</b>,<br> +And at <b><br> +WATERING PLACES</b>,</p> + <p>Will find the Monthly Numbers of</p> + <p> <big><big>"<b>PUNCHINELLO</b>"</big></big></p> + <p><small>For April, May, June, and July, an attractive and +Saleable Work.</small></p> + <p><small>Single Copies<br> +Price 50 cts.</small></p> + <p><small>For trade price address American News Co., or</small></p> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING & CO.,</b></p> + <p><b>83 Nassau Street</b>.</p> + </td> + <td align="center"> + <p><big><b>HENRY L. STEPHENS</b>,</big></p> + <p><b>ARTIST</b>,</p> + <p><b>No. 160 FULTON STREET</b>,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> + <p><b>GEO. B. BOWLEND</b>,</p> + <p><big><big>Draughtsman & Designer</big></big></p> + <p><b>No. 160 Fulton Street</b>,</p> + <p>Room No. 11,</p> + <p>NEW YORK.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table align="center" width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td> <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> + <p><small>Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year +1870, by the PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,<br> +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for +the Southern District of New York.</small></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD</b>.</p> + <p>AN ADAPTATION.</p> + <p>BY ORFHEUS C. KERR</p> + <p>CHAPTER XIX.</p> + <p>THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD.</p> + <p>The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious +summer-vacation having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have +returned again, for a time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA +PENDRAGON has gone to the city and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is +ridiculously and absurdly alone.</p> + <p>Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, +like an ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here +and there some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a +sluggish current of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic +church shooting-up at one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of +magnified mutton.</p> + <p>Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, +until some of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of +the Oldest Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is +the Warmest Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some +cooler nook amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the +atmosphere of the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes +from beneath the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house +a parboiled guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to +turn, drifts feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more +dun; while, to the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or +buckwheat, is an incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere +temptation to guess how many Swallows there may be in it.</p> + <p>Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is +informed, by a servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her +his love, would be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and +bring him a fan.</p> + <p>"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" +cries the young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks +and pensive smiles before her mirror.</p> + <p>"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen +you looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said +that he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, +on purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door."</p> + <p>"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs +FLCKA, holding her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from +the too pinkish members.</p> + <p>After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye +and the scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to +the meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the +visitor in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her +shoulder that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is +complete, she arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, +with a garden-hat hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, +humming un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing +of one wholly unprepared for company.</p> + <p>Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic +seat, the Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing +straw hat, looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some +prudish slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire +of a western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits.</p> + <p>"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I +don't know when I've felt anything smart so."</p> + <p>"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a +seat before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her +dress so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen.</p> + <p>Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around +him, Mr. BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be +enthralling, but for the nervous twisting of his features under the +torments of a singularly adhesive fly.</p> + <p>"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon +you will be ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?"</p> + <p>"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the +chilling answer.</p> + <p>The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head +intelligently. "You are right," he says, gravely, "—there <i>might</i> +be somebody listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And +now, how about those music-lessons?"</p> + <p>"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While +we are all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales."</p> + <p>Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his +bushy head several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he +replies. "There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon +the violin, fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with +sentiments unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, +however, is not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a +help to the intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the +candor of an idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life +have been spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from +DONIZETTI; and the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted +ever having been born were those in which you have played, in my +hearing, the Drinking-song from <i>La Traviata</i>. Believe me, then, +my devoted pupil, there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a +prevalence of profound melancholy in your continued piano-playing; +whereas, on the contrary, your sudden and permanent cessation might at +least surprise your friends and the neighborhood into a +light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of the memory of that dear, +missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, give the love already +bestowed upon me."</p> + <p>"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," +cries FLORA, not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, +too, that they think somebody has killed him."</p> + <p>Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before +her, and the dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the +intensify of his gaze.</p> + <p>"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to +acknowledge that our last meeting with a friend, who has since +mysteriously disappeared, was to reject him and imply a preference for +his uncle, may be calculated to associate us unpleasantly with that +disappearance, in the minds of the censorious, and invite suspicions +tending to our early cross-examination by our Irish local magistrate. I +do not say, of course, that you actually destroyed my nephew for fear +he should try to prejudice me against you; but I cannot withhold my +earnest approval of your judicious pretence of a sentiment palpably +incompatible with the shedding of the blood of its departed object. If +you will move your dress a little, so that I can sit beside you and +allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, that fan will do for both of +us, and we may converse in whispers."</p> + <p>"My head upon <i>your</i> shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, +staring swiftly about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep +my head upon my own shoulders, sir."</p> + <p>"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist +reminds her. "If a little hair-oil and powder <i>does</i> come off +upon my coat, the latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is +our fate to never get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck +together."</p> + <p>She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins +insinuating along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she +couldn't have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his +arm, and seems hurt.</p> + <p>"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially +when fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I +never gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not +think it would be right"</p> + <p>The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in +its delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, +that the agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm +was always reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, +and whenever I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth +until it tickled me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it +wasn't you that I preferred, at all; it was—oh, it's too ridiculous to +tell!"</p> + <p>In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly +away from him into the house, when he speaks again.</p> + <p>"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her +brother such, that their execution upon some Friday of next month would +be a spectacle to which you could give no pleased attention?"</p> + <p>"What do you mean, you absurd creature?"</p> + <p>"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my +double loss. You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was +found an apple looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. +You know, that when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca +waist which looked as though it had been exposed more than once to the +rain.—See the point?"</p> + <p>FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it."</p> + <p>"Suppose," he goes on—"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and +say: 'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote +for you again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a +black alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not +lived in this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession +of an apple singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing +relative, and his sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand +alpaca?'—See the point now?"</p> + <p>"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible +menace of his manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is +guilty than I, myself, am; and as for your old umbrella—"</p> + <p>"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. +"Not even your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled +friend. By a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I +hold the fate of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be +particularly sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival."</p> + <p>FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing +head and display a bracelet.</p> + <p>"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must +be so perfectly awful!"</p> + <p>Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. +On the contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly +under his straw hat.</p> + <p>"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I +cannot induce you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we +are both longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness +myself. My poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and +your momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from +my habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you—"</p> + <p>"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color.</p> + <p>"—That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section +of the Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going +through the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in +his outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"—placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.—"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD."</p> + <p>His manner is as though he were commending some patent article +of unquestionable utility.</p> + <p>"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away +the brown linen arm coming after her again.</p> + <p>Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and +seems momentarily surprised at the hollow sound.</p> + <p>"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my +observation and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there +never was a wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first +sworn to love, as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman +that if she had felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the +sight of him, it wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality +and dissipated habits to drive her from his side through all their +lives. There can be no better sign of our future happiness, than for +you to say, beforehand, that you utterly detest the man of your choice."</p> + <p>There is something terrible to the young girl in the original +turn of thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once +turns it into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a +perfectly dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest +avowal of present personal dislike the most promising indication she +can give of eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode +of reasoning is more profound and composing than an article in a New +York newspaper on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical +conversation, she arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily +into the house, when he leaps athletically after her, and catches her +in the doorway.</p> + <p>"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place +sufficient restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our +engagement a secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have +boys calling out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get +married! There's the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is +about to make a fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him +of it."</p> + <p>The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a +parting bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up +stairs to her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those +having conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist.</p> + <p><i>(To be Continued.)</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A GOOD FIGHT</b>.</p> + <p>We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at +any rate they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability.</p> + <p>But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever +so great, we have reason to doubt whether any other of these +accomplished parties has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a +subject, as that which is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss +LILLIAN EDGARTON.</p> + <p>She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under.</p> + <p>That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence +required to pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. +E. is about to attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! +Considered as a Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. +Considered as a living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any +Dragon described by SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him +incontinently.</p> + <p>Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for +some such Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect +thing of this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow +mortals longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous +youth, our son, go in vehemently!</p> + <p>And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to +giving your attention to certain relations of the monster which you +propose to slay? We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough +old Dragons, now, we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of +them.</p> + <p>We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You +kill little Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will +fall, before our mighty battle-axe!</p> + <p>(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply +because when our dear young knight, L.E., has killed <i>her</i> +Dragon, she will have wiped out the whole brood! They can't live +without their sweet and attractive little sister. And so, like many a +bigger humbug, we shall take great credit, that belongs to somebody +else, and assume to have done big things, at enormous expense of blood +and money. Trust us, for that!)</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN</b>.</p> + <p>September, 1870.</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I <i>was</i> an Emperor. <i>Voilà +c'est bon!</i></span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">BAZAINE, MACMAHON, +fought—'twas my affair.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Only, to please my doctor, +NELATON,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.75em;">I left the throne, to take a +Sedan chair.</span> </div> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Unlimited Lie-Ability</b>.</p> + <p><i>Veritas</i> writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry +from Wall Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 +persons reading PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the <i>Sun</i> +on board, until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid +appearance produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of +which seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, +which proved to be the <i>Sun.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Con for the "Ninth."</b></p> + <p>What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a +New York Ice Company?</p> + <p>Both are tremendous Chargers.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.</b></p> + <p><img alt="H" align="left" src="images/05.jpg">ere I am again, +back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, the war closing, +and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, by leading the +Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to be in a +position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN—"As I cannot fall, +ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to your +victorious Excellency."</p> + <p>Being back, I went to see <i>Julius Cæsar</i> at +NIBLO'S Garden. It was the day when the French CAESER fell, and the +impertinent soothsayer, ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to +beware, not of the Ides of March, but of the <i>Idées +Napoléoniennes,</i> (there is a feeble attempt at a pun here) +obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his newspaper, the +virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. Of course I +know that JULIUS CÆSAR was not a Frenchman—for the modesty of his +"Commentaries" is proverbial—and that SHAKESPEARE never so much as +heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CÆSARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and +I may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As +I said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, +and being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking +down the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, +the reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text +between my <i>Julius Cæsar,</i> and that of the respectable and +able Mr. SHAKESPEARE.</p> + <center> + <p>ACT I.—<i>Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the +shillelahs of the period.</i></p> + </center> + <p>1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CÆSAR is going to +march to Berlin. Hooray for the Hemperor."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war +began, but to-day the people despise him."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "I hate this CÆSAR. Once he tried to swim +across the British Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and +couldn't do it. When he is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any +other man. Obviously he don't deserve to live."</p> + <p>CASCA. (<i>Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend +to be discontented</i>.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the +windows of Paris."</p> + <p>BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should +never throw glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds +oracular, and will make people think I am a profound philosopher."</p> + <p>EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CÆSAR, +governed the Roman rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only +mistakes were, in not sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, +without ROCHEFORT'S cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending +BRUTUS as Minister to some capital so dreary that he would have shot +himself as soon as he reached his destination."</p> + <center> + <p>ACT II.—<i>Enter</i> BRUTUS <i>and fellow radicals.</i></p> + </center> + <p>BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CÆSAR, and I +therefore gladly join your noble band of assassins. We will kill him +and establish a provisional government with myself at its head. +CÆSAR is ambitious, and I hate ambition. All I want is to be the +ruler of Rome."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! +Away!"</p> + <p>EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are +PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of +excellence and integrity. What did they and their fellow scoundrels do +after they had killed CÆSAR, but desolate their country with +civil war?"</p> + <center> + <p>ACT III.—<i>Enter</i> ASSASSINS <i>headed by</i> BRUTUS <i>and</i> +GAMBETTA, CASSIUS <i>and</i> ROCHEFORT.</p> + </center> + <p>CASSIUS. "Here is CÆSAR with his back toward us, +fighting the German's hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he +can help himself." <i>(They stab him.)</i></p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York <i>Sun,</i> who will make it more scurrilous +than ever."</p> + <p><i>Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for</i> +CÆSAR."</p> + <p>CASSIUS. "Hush. CÆSAR is dead, and we are going to +proclaim a republic. Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let +you smash some windows presently."</p> + <p>POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult +his wife and smash everything generally."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted +for him. To-day they insult him—it being safe to do so—and to-morrow +they will want him back again."</p> + <p>2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest +nephew of his uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was +unscrupulous, I admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear +MARK ANTONY praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of +ROCHEFORT and BRUTUS, and their gang?"</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but +I can't wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the +new republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The +American people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice +seen the French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of +them."</p> + <p>2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at +NIBLO'S."</p> + <p>1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT +rants like a raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the +rest are so so."</p> + <p>And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played +on the Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see +the prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reëstablished. We shall read all about it +in the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can +listen calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama +of the century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed +from the firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself +hoarse as the best preparations for holding the fairest of cities +against the resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE.</p> + <p>MATADOR.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Insurrectionary.</b></p> + <p>PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been +forwarded to Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and +struck with the disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty +labor in that sunny isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the +enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. ANTHONY, he can raise a <b>Revolution</b> +in New York City, at any time, for ten cents. Let those whom it may +concern take heed.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Bluff King Bill.</b></p> + <p>L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of +Prussia, off from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new +illustration of "footing the Bill."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Query.</b></p> + <p>As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been +abolished, will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-<i>suet</i>-ude?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Seasonable Conundrum.</b></p> + <p>Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A Suggestion.</b></p> + <p>In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not +Colonel JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/06.jpg"> + <p><b>THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR</b>.</p> + <p>A Sketch In the Bowery.</p> + <p><i>Small Frenchman.</i> "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY +VEN YOU PASS?"</p> + <p><i>Big German.</i> "WANTS TO FIGHT?—DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?"</p> + <p><i>Small Frenchman.</i> "NO—BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE +BLACK EYE!"</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>BY GEORGE!</b></p> + <p>LAKE GEORGE, August 30.</p> + <p>DEAR PUNCHINELLO:—I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would +be the last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for +want of proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors +out of suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay +that I consider Lake George a success.</p> + <p>Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat +gratified to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was +in drove up.</p> + <p>It was a sort of delicate attention, you know.</p> + <p>I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon +since then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time.</p> + <p>The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every +respect. It is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the +French troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges.</p> + <p>Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that +sort of thing.</p> + <p>Perhaps not!</p> + <p>Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police +Courts, five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs.</p> + <p>The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they +do put a little too much mint in them, I must say.</p> + <p>L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them—both Adirondacks.</p> + <p>Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its +neighbor, Champlain.</p> + <p>Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is +therefore particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view +the scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end.</p> + <p>The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout +Pavillion," principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the +immense number of pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is +unquestionably a good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed +Proprietor turns up jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one.</p> + <p>The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three +Sisters" Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are +precisely <i>four</i> of them.</p> + <p>I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk.</p> + <p>This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me +that these islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one +occasionally got "soaked."</p> + <p>This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man +says he was born here, I suppose he knows.</p> + <p>This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green +Island and asked me if I wouldn't like to live there.</p> + <p>He said he thought it would just suit me.</p> + <p>The attention of these people is really delightful.</p> + <p>Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, +for instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows +why it was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either.</p> + <p>He wanted to know if I had ever dined there.</p> + <p>I always make it a point to get on the right side of these +Steamboat fellows, always.</p> + <p>About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain.</p> + <p>A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there.</p> + <p>That may have had something to do with its name.</p> + <p>Nobody ever goes there now.</p> + <p>People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is +noted for something very extraordinary in the Echo line.</p> + <p>It has what is called a "Double Echo."</p> + <p>I fully expected something of this kind.</p> + <p>Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is +those unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four +sixes, it is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering +place echo.</p> + <p>I consider them "<i>holler</i> mockeries."</p> + <p>Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows:</p> + <p>First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with.</p> + <p>This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in +duplicate as usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the +other in fair French.</p> + <p>I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled.</p> + <p>Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated +very creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This +it made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus.</p> + <p>But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S +Soliloquy.</p> + <p>From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "<i>To be</i>" +of BOOTH, while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely +rendered imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same.</p> + <p>This staggered me!</p> + <p>I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy +of the Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know +about Farming."</p> + <p><i>That settled him!</i></p> + <p>He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath +right out of him!</p> + <p>The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a +leaver. But then you see he had held the office a good while.</p> + <p>He hasn't left the business to any one, either.</p> + <p>In future no one will go fooling round there except the +fishermen. The sign is down.</p> + <p>In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some +account of the celebrated "Roger's Slide."</p> + <p>SAGINAW DODD.</p> + <p>[<i>To be continued.</i>]</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>RAMBLINGS.</b></p> + <p>BY MOSE SKINNER.</p> + <p>POPULARITY.</p> + <p>Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It +is achieved by three classes—those who have brains, those who have +money, and those who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy +it; and the third stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an +engineer just in time to prevent the train from dashing over a +precipice, or by chopping off somebody's head with a meat axe and +burning the remains up afterwards, in which case the next day's paper +gives a faithful account of their pedigree, and their photograph can be +purchased at any respectable news-dealers, at a price within reach of +all.</p> + <p>The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down +to posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom.</p> + <p>It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on +hand, with a view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to +state, in confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of +anything that sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the +low price of one dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and +original, and embraces such gems as—"Don't give up the ship," "Such is +Life," "How's this for high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves +nine," &c., &c.</p> + <p>I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at +a moderate compensation.</p> + <p>General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. +His "Let us have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody +ever thought of it before. "I propose to move on your works +immediately, if it takes all summer," was also a happy thought.</p> + <p>When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they +made gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be +called deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, +coming from a man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not +surprising that something of this sort went the rounds:</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">We have the best authority for +stating that General GRANT, during his recent visit to Boston, remarked +that he was gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in +Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few words, but +what he does say is spicy, and to the point."</p> + <p>At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" +but the reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't +intended for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his +saying anything else.</p> + <p>If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His +opinions must go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than +anybody's else. Thus—from a daily paper:</p> + <p style="margin-left: 40px;">"The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently +said in a private conversation, that the present war would probably end +in victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon."</p> + <p>Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an +eating saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, +four were reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in +breathless haste and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. +SMITH looked when he said it, and if he said it as though he really +meant it, and in a manner that thrilled his listeners.</p> + <p>But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. +MONTGOMERY has—though it may be a little mildewed.</p> + <p>Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. +It was a masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it +inserted in a popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I +could easily have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus +achieved.</p> + <p>But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of +heading it "The Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE +GREELEY." I said "By MOSE SKINNER."</p> + <p>I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon +after retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope.</p> + <p>MORAL SUASION.</p> + <p>A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates +the following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which +this wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning +at breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his +wife and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of +the scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having +previously, with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese +knife.</p> + <p>I will now quote my friends' own words:</p> + <p>"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his +act, and utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good +people had visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making +the smallest impression upon him.</p> + <p>"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch +this man's heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and +brutal ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of +his mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows +that what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life.</p> + <p>"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, +for it gave me power to cope with this relentless disposition.</p> + <p>"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the +most dogged manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious +wishes for his well being.</p> + <p>"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing +considerable pathos into my voice, I said:</p> + <p>"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time +when you sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and +daisies?"</p> + <p>"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow +contracted and his lips twitched convulsively."</p> + <p>"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I +continued, "she kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a—"</p> + <p>"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot +under ground afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth +chap that's tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he +added with a malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give +the old man a chance, jest for a change?"</p> + <p>"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to +witness the man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous +affair, six respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss +the body, amid the hysteric weeps of three more in the background."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/07.jpg"> + <p><b>PRACTICAL</b>.</p> + <p><i>Housewife.</i> "VAKE YOU UP, HANS—HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN +VICTORY."</p> + <p><i>Hans, (dreamily.)</i> "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?—DEN LET US +HAVE ANODER BRUSSIAN BIER."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Hot and Cold.</b></p> + <p>The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the +question of an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability +that we shall be without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the +purpose of keeping us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't +have cold water.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/08.jpg"> + <p><b>NOT JUST YET!</b></p> + <p><i>Mr. Greeley.</i> "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I +WOULDN'T ON ANY ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc.</p> + <p><i>Mr. Woodford.</i> "No! NO!—TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; +THE LAST THING I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc.</p> + <p><i>Governor Hoffman.</i> "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: +I SHALL PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, +YET."</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>COMIC ZOOLOGY.</b></p> + <p>Genus, Phoca.—The Seal.</p> + <p>This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing +members of the Phocidæ family. The word seal is derived, +radically, from the German <i>Siegel,</i> so that to say a man has +"fought mit SIEGEL," is equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a +harmless and timid seal.</p> + <p>The Phocidæ, without distinction of sex, are known as +Mammafers, although it would manifestly be more correct to call the +males Papafers. Under the present classification, the confusion of +genders necessarily engenders confusion.</p> + <p>Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an +ear, wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to +sport is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb +beasts in general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. +The false seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. +To the counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe +in the Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in +the Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after.</p> + <p>Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with +sealing is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the +universal passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the +old men act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation.</p> + <p>The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of +Mankind at a very early period—Seals being frequently spoken of in the +Scriptures. St. JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven +varieties, and must have been well acquainted with their internal +structure.</p> + <p>The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable +numbers on the British coast, and the Great Seal of England—only to be +found in the vicinity of the Thames—is of such remarkable size and +weight, that it never makes its appearance without producing a strong +Impression.</p> + <p>The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to +Madeira, and seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity +to the British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious.</p> + <p>None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. +They may readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick +properly applied has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the +space of half an hour. KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and +they never attempt to defend themselves, according to PANEY.</p> + <p>In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals +cover the coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a +glimpse of them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, +which darken the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the +Arctic zephyrs disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of +the timid creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by +looking in a Se(a)ward direction.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT.</b></p> + <p>The <i>Free (and Easy) Press</i> has honored PUNCHINELLO with +a brief as well as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by +being thus noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and +well sustained popularity of the <i>Free (and Easy) Press</i>, it +pains PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that +he is not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is +true—but it is to the end of his First Volume, as the <i>F. (and E.) +Press</i> can see by turning to the admirably written, dashing, +humorous, and absolutely unsurpassable Index appended to our present +number, which Index PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of +the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i>. The Preface to his Second Volume, +however, which is now in preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently +assures the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i>, be altogether superior to the +Index to his First. Let the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i> look out for it. +But, meanwhile, the <i>F. (and E.) Press</i> can cheer itself by +frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage who serves as +tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that familiar and +suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly understood by the <i>F. +(and E.) Press</i>, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully appreciated.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/09.jpg"> + <p><b>"HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL,<br> +HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL."</b></p> + <p>AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T +HAVE BEEN SO BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT +IS QUITE CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.</p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET.</b></p> + <p>His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.—A few Words +of Sound Advice from the Squire.</p> + <p>Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of +Wall Street brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech +afore the members of their church, whose <i>Sin</i>-agog is situated +in Brod Street.</p> + <p>Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the +Golden Calf, Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, +me thunk my chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as +Sisters WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72.</p> + <p>Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the +appinted hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em:</p> + <p>My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen:</p> + <p>As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as +Gustise of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, +to say nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an +hily intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any +politikle alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, +like the old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them +through a patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your +victims in a hily clawed up stait.</p> + <p>Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, +so as to avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S +novel Lothere, <i>I have no refference to</i> T. GOLDWIN SMITH <i>whatsomever</i>, +as I believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth +with a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something +tangible to rest his timber on.</p> + <p>My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de +bet all the money I can borrer on it.</p> + <p>With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of +chance are "entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote +from a familiar passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the +Perfesser could have raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of +you chaps can gobble up a greenhorn.</p> + <p>And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would +be a darned site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, +instead of daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise +H----, well—excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers.</p> + <p>How do you manage, when you want to make a steak?</p> + <p>You run up stocks and produce a crysis.</p> + <p>Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they +can rake and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the +bubble, when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and +about Wall Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART +chopped off the heads off all the first born. Instances have been +known, where a good many of you chaps have rammed your head in the +Tiger's mouth once too often.</p> + <p>If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you +perambulate off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said +Tigers walked off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, +you all jined in the follerin' him:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho',</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">From which lame ducks are +driven,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">"Up in a balloon they allers +go,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">To Tophet, not to Heaven."</span> + </div> + <p>Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to +keel off K. VANDERBILT.</p> + <p>What did you do t'other day?</p> + <p>Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards +for <i>keeps</i>, up at Saratogy, some poor deluded <i>money</i>-maniac +telegrafs that the Commodore had at last found his match, and had been +gathered to his fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged +the name of my friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the <i>Troy Times</i>, +who, up to the present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin +into the hiway robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends +and feller citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet.</p> + <p>When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, +like a great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of +legal tender, which is in suckin' distance.</p> + <p>For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. +I ones thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old +heart, but as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the +Bulls and Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the +follerin' <i>Jew de spree</i>:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span + style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Come rest on this buzzum,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">Oh! butiful broker,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">With your arms clinchin' tite,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">This innercent choker.</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">I'le stand it from thee,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">If you'll never go near,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">The Bulls and the Bears,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1.25em;">When HIRAM is here.</span> </div> + <p>(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a +little breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and +looked so bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw +stuns at K. VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.)</p> + <p>I agin resoomed:</p> + <p>My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few +partin' words of advice.</p> + <p>Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it +hits the hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A +good many little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up +by your confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and +chuckle like the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky +distilleries. But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily +peck by smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have +got to say is, that next time you've got a <i>sure thing</i> to make a +speck, by telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and +takin' a hand in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the +means of betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In +concloosion, feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, +I will close with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its +inhabitants:</p> + <div style="margin-left: 40px;"> <span style="margin-left: 1em;">"Imperious +SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla,</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Mite stop a hole to keep the wind +away;"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">Onless from Wall Street, was +blowin' raw.</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 1em;">The tempestous breezes, from a +broker's flaw.</span> </div> + <p>Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, +where Wall Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down.</p> + <p>Ewers, without a dowt,</p> + <p>HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,</p> + <p><i>Lait Gustise of the Peece.</i></p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Stage By-play.</b></p> + <p>A sporting paper gives the following item:</p> + <p>"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the +Olympic theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball +at the Union base-ball grounds, last week."</p> + <p>Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK +VAN BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on +the short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second +base. The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have +made them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all +pretty sure to be caught out in the "flies."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Professional.</b></p> + <p>"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball +was the subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but +I know of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and +it is called Strychnine."</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>A FECULENT NUISANCE.</b></p> + <p>Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman +Streets, for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly +assailed by a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of +Health, the foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 +Nassau Street. Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance +arose from a quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one +JAMES O'BRIEN, for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the +entire concern is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, +for conversion into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the +cheapest kind of rush-lights.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>The Greatest Joke of the Season.</b></p> + <p>The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor +of the City of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/12.jpg"> + <p>"IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME TO +GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE FIZZLED."—<i>(Letter +from a War Correspondent.)</i></p> + </center> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT."</b></p> + <p>MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in +Science. When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste +for Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers +being the objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I +obtained (despite the frequent closing of my visual organs) +considerable Insight into Physical Science in the course of numerous +pugilistic encounters. A close Application to Optics at that time +enabled me to get some Light on the Subject.</p> + <p>I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned +infant I made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning +to walk frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful +telescope. Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently +experimented on the Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have +generally found it extremely difficult to make both ends meet.</p> + <p>Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be +called scientific, as many who pretend to be <i>Savants</i>, I +determined to attend the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My +reception was most gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the +Convention, that learned body welcomed me with open arms, and I was +escorted to a place among the members by its distinguished head.</p> + <p>Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were +exceedingly profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to +what an extent theory may be carried in the advance of science.</p> + <p>Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper—carefully +compiled from various sources—on the Steam Engine, in the course of +which he stated that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first +steamboat that ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great +Earthquake of 1811, was still living. Also, that his godfather, the +celebrated Mr. NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of +science) in pulling down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. +The importance of these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they +will undoubtedly give a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science.</p> + <p>Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an +address on Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of +Ancient Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their +formation. The audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the +immense learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony +silence, only interrupted by an occasional snore.</p> + <p>A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by +Professor M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved +conclusively that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very +little Light on any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in +Meters, and is the author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so +much attention in the scientific world.</p> + <p>Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of +Tallow upon Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears +that the Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and +unfavorable to the action of rust.</p> + <p>A member was of the opinion that this important discovery +might be turned to great practical advantage, as the application of +cart grease to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary +motion of the wheels.</p> + <p>This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of +applause, and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to +the distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten.</p> + <p>Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, +which he said would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in +1878. It may possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty +of Medicine are said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel.</p> + <p>The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting +disquisition on the Oyster, which was divided into sections and +literally devoured by the audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of +Conchs, which were regular Sneezers in point of size.</p> + <p>An announcement which was made by the distinguished +Astronomer, Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation.</p> + <p>He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had +discovered an immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that +he had also observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish +the features of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES +STEPHENS, the missing Fenian Head Centre.</p> + <p>When the excitement consequent upon this startling +announcement had subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as +follows:</p> + <p>"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the +profound gratification with which I have listened to the learned and +eloquent addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of +Science is an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished <i>savants</i> +as I see around me, and to this object they have brought that +profundity of learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of +elementary text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception +which enables them to descry such great scientific truths as can be +discovered through an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power +of discrimination which enables them to distinguish between the seed of +the leguminous plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable +productions of Nature, when the bag is open.</p> + <p>As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants +and Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on +the Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some +Reflections on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and +Versification, as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with +the Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'"</p> + <p>I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but +before I had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a +peculiar sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, +on investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, +however, that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to +have them published, and to send you a copy of each.</p> + <p>Profoundly yours,</p> + <p>CHINCAPIN.</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <p><b>Pearing Time.</b></p> + <p>We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are +now in blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never +before been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to +go pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor?</p> + <br> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + <center> <img alt="INDEX" src="images/13.jpg"> </center> + <br> + <br> + <b>A.</b><br> + <br> +About a Clock<br> +Advice to Picnic Parties<br> +Aerated Verbiage<br> +Agricultural Column, Our<br> +Albany Cock Robins<br> +Allurements of the Period<br> +All Aboard for Holland<br> +All Hail<br> +American Cutlery in France<br> +Answers to Correspondents<br> +Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All?<br> +Astronomical Conversations<br> +Associated Press Telegrams<br> +Augean Job, An<br> + <br> + <b>B.</b><br> + <br> +Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The<br> +Bachelor's Moving Day, The<br> +Bad "Odor" in the West<br> +Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten<br> +"Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c.<br> +Beautiful Snow<br> +Bit of Natural History, A<br> +Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The<br> +Bingham on Rome<br> +Blocks and Blockheads<br> +Book Notices<br> +Boyhood<br> +Bow-Wow!<br> +Broadbrim to Aborigine<br> +Business<br> +By George<br> + <br> + <b>C.</b><br> + <br> +Cause and Effect<br> +Captain Hall, To<br> +Cable News<br> +Caution<br> +Cats, On<br> +Card of Thanks, A<br> +Chat about Railroads, A<br> +Chance for our Organ Grinders, A<br> +Charge of the Ninth Brigade<br> +Chinopathy<br> +China Pattern, A<br> +Chincapin at Long Branch<br> +Chincapin among the Free Lovers<br> +Church Militant<br> +Cincinnatus Sweeny<br> +Condensed Congress<br> +Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy<br> +Cons, by a Wrecker<br> +Comic Zoology<br> +Congressman to his Critics, A<br> +Consistent League, A<br> +Coup d'etat, My<br> +Correspondence Bureau<br> +Contemporary Sentiments<br> +Conversion of the "<i>Sun</i>"<br> +Cool, if not Comfortable<br> +Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The<br> +Criticism of the Period<br> +Critical Intelligence<br> +Crispin <i>vs</i>. Coolie<br> +Current Tables<br> +CARTOONS—March 4, 1869—March 4, 1870<br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Our Efficient Navy Department</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Descent of the great +Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Great National Game</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Financial Belief</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Sick Eagle</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Financial Inquisition</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Editorial Washing Day in New +York</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The New Plea for Murder</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">International Yachting</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Wedding Ring as Sorosis +would like to see it</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Blood Money</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">"What I Know About Farming"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Wedding Ring again</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Modern Matrimony</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Yan-ki <i>vs</i>. Yankee</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The New Pandora's Box</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Lncifer's Little Game with his +Royal Puppets</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Death of the "Entente Cordial"</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Wonderful Tour de Force</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">The Ovation of Murder</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Law <i>versus</i> Lawlessness</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">What Will He Do With It?</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">At the Saratoga Convention</span><br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.5em;">Humpty Dumpty</span><br> + <br> + <b>D.</b><br> + <br> +Depressions for Chicago<br> +Delights of Dougherty, The<br> +Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers<br> +Distinguished Visitor, A<br> +Dorgs, On<br> +Dogs Tale, A<br> +Down the Bay<br> +Drainage under Difficulties<br> +Dreadful State of Things out West, The<br> +Dubious English<br> +Dwarf Dejected, The<br> + <br> + <b>E.</b><br> + <br> +Earthly Paradise<br> +Editorial Washing Day<br> +Elevated Statesmanship<br> +England's Quandry<br> +Episode of Jack Horner<br> +Excellent Old Song Made New, An<br> +Excelsior<br> + <br> + <b>F.</b><br> + <br> +Fable<br> +Ferocity of Failure, The<br> +Female Gentleman, The<br> +Fifteenth Amendment<br> +Finances, On the<br> +Fish Sauce<br> +Fine Arts in Philadelphia<br> +Fiscalities<br> +Fish Culture<br> +Fishery Question, The<br> +Financial<br> +Financial Article, Our<br> +Four Seasons, The<br> +Forty-four to Fourteen<br> +Foreign Correspondence<br> +Foam<br> +Free Baths, The<br> +From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter<br> +Fun and Fin<br> + <br> + <b>G.</b><br> + <br> +Gay Young Joker, A<br> +George Francis the Ubiquitous<br> +Glimpses of Fortune<br> +Gossip in a School-house<br> +Good for Something Better<br> +Gravestones For Sale<br> +Grant's Blackbird pie<br> +Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort<br> +Greeley on Bailey<br> +Great Canal Enterprise, The<br> +Great African Tea Company, The<br> +Greek Meeting Greek<br> + <br> + <b>H.</b><br> + <br> +Habits of Great Men<br> +Hamlet from a Rural Point<br> +Hall and Hayes<br> +H. G. and Terpsichore<br> +Hints for the Family<br> +High and Low Church<br> +Hints upon High Art<br> +Hints to Car Conductors<br> +Hints for Those Who Will Take Them<br> +Hints for the Census<br> +High Notes by our Musical Critic<br> +Hiram Green at Saratoga<br> +Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel<br> +Hiram Green on the Chinese<br> +Hiram Green Experience as an Editor<br> +Hiram Green writes to Napoleon<br> +Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes<br> +Hiram Green at the Female Convention<br> +Hiram Green on Base Ball<br> +Hiram Green among the Fat men<br> +Hiram Green to Napoleon<br> +Hiram Green in Wall Street<br> +How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull<br> +Horticultural Hints<br> +Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The<br> +Homodeification<br> +Hyperborean<br> + <br> + <b>I.</b><br> + <br> +Idiomatic Items<br> +Important to Publishers<br> +Indian, The<br> +Interesting to Bone Boilers<br> +Interior Illumination<br> +Indian Question, The<br> +Information Wanted<br> +Inspiration vs. Perspiration<br> +Items from our Rural Reporters<br> + <br> + <b>J</b><br> + <br> +Joys of Summer, The<br> +Jottings from Washington<br> +Jumbles<br> +Jupiter Bellicosus<br> + <br> + <b>K</b><br> + <br> +Kellogg Testimonials, The<br> +King Oakey, the First<br> +King Craft Looking Up<br> + <br> + <b>L</b><br> + <br> +Latest from Washington<br> +Latest News Items<br> +Latest about "Lo."<br> +Letter from a Friend<br> +Letter of Advice, A<br> +Letter from a Japanese Student<br> +Letter from a Croaker, A<br> +Leaven of Leavenworth<br> +Literary Vampire<br> +Lines by a Hapless Swain<br> +Long Shot, A<br> +"Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs<br> +Love in a Boarding-House<br> +Lucus a non, etc<br> + <br> + <b>M</b><br> + <br> +Mariner's Wrongs, The<br> +Marriage Market in Rome, The<br> +Maine Question in Massachusetts<br> +Marine Mixture, A<br> +Managers of Railroads, To<br> +Medical Miss, A<br> +Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the<br> +Mercantile Library Association<br> +Mind your P's and Q's<br> +Miseries of a Handsome Man<br> +Motley Melody, A<br> +Municipal Competition<br> +Murphy the Conqueror<br> +Mythology, Of<br> +Mystery of Mr. E. Drood.<br> +Mythology, Further of<br> +Mythology, More<br> + <br> + <b>N</b><br> + <br> +National Taxidermy<br> +Napoleon's Latest Manifesto<br> +Natural Mistake, A<br> +New Conglomerate Pavement<br> +New England to New York<br> +New Railway Project, A<br> +New "Process", The<br> +Ninety-nine in the Shade<br> +Nothing like Leather<br> +Notary's Protest, A<br> +Nought for Nought<br> +Now We Shall Have It<br> +Notes from Chicago<br> +Now's your Chance<br> +Note from the Orchestra<br> + <br> + <b>O</b><br> + <br> +Ode to the Missing Collector<br> +Old Bailey Practitioner, An<br> +Old Boy to the Young Ones, An<br> +Old Saws Re-set<br> +Old Iron<br> +Olive Logan<br> +Opinions of the Press<br> +Orange Peel, Etcetera<br> +Origin of the Mississippi<br> +Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of<br> +Organizing an Organ<br> +Origin of Punchinello<br> +O, that air!<br> +Our Future<br> +Out of the Streets<br> +Our Literary Legate<br> +Our Cuban Telegrams<br> +Our Explosives<br> + <br> + <b>P</b><br> + <br> +Patriotic Adoration<br> +Pat to the Question<br> +Parable About the 12th of July<br> +Pardonable Solicitude<br> +Perennius Ære<br> +Periodical Literature<br> +Philadelvings<br> +Plays and Shows<br> +Please the Pigs<br> +Plea for Protection<br> +Pluckily Patriotic, Still<br> +Poems of the Cradle<br> +Popularity, Our<br> +Political Claptrap<br> +Police Report, Our<br> +Possible "Why" of it, The<br> +Portfolio, Our<br> +Prospectus<br> +Pump, The<br> +Punchinello's New Charter<br> +Punchinello in Wall Street<br> +Punchinello's Lyrics<br> +Punchinello and the Aldermen<br> +Punchinello on the Jury<br> +Punchinello Is Sorry<br> +Punchinello's Vacations<br> +Punchinello as a "Savan"<br> + <br> + <b>Q</b><br> + <br> +Query<br> + <br> + <b>R</b><br> + <br> +Raising Cain<br> +Rather Mixed<br> +Rather Flashy Idea, A<br> +Ramblings<br> +Real Estate of Woman, The<br> +Religious Amusements<br> +Remonstrance, A<br> +Religion of Temperance<br> +Receipe to be Tested<br> +Reform in Juvenile Literature<br> +Rejuvenated France<br> +Right and Left<br> +Robins, The<br> +Romaunt of the Oyster<br> +Rose by any other Name, A<br> +Roar from Niagara, A<br> +Romance of a Rich Young Man<br> + <br> + <b>S</b><br> + <br> +Sailing Directions, &c<br> +Science Forever<br> +Seasonable Parody, A<br> +Several Unsavory Renderings<br> +Ship Ahoy!<br> +Sic Semper Epluribus, &c<br> +Sorosian Impromptu, A<br> +Song of the Returned Soldier<br> +Song of the New Babel<br> +Song of the Red Cloud<br> +Song of the Chicago Lawyer<br> +Song of the Mosquito<br> +Society, &c<br> +Spencerian Chaff<br> +Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats<br> +Spring Fever<br> +Spirit of the Navy<br> +Standard Literature<br> +Stridor Pentium<br> +Summer on the Catskills<br> +Summer at Sandy Point<br> + <br> + <b>T</b><br> + <br> +Taking a Senator's Measure<br> +Take Care of the Wounded<br> +Temperance Song<br> +That Indian Talk<br> +Thiers, Idle Thiers<br> +Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus<br> +Titans<br> +"Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The<br> +To Our Readers<br> +Traveller's Tales<br> +Treatment for Potato Bugs<br> +Truly Noble<br> +Tutti Tremando<br> +Turkish Bath, My<br> + <br> + <b>U</b><br> + <br> +Ulyss, To<br> +Umbrella, The<br> +Uncle Samuel<br> +Universockdology<br> +Urbs in Rure<br> + <br> + <b>V</b><br> + <br> +V.H. to Punchinello<br> +Visit to "Sheridan's Ride"<br> +Voice from the Hub<br> +Voice of the Turtle, The<br> +Vultures Call, The<br> + <br> + <b>W</b><br> + <br> +Wanted, a Sheriff<br> +War, The<br> +Wat Cum Snecst<br> +Way to Become Great, The<br> +Weather Prophecies for May<br> +Western Nomenclature<br> +What the Press is Expected to Say<br> +What I Know About Free Trade<br> +What I Know About Protection<br> +What Is It<br> +What Sigerson Says<br> +What Shall We Call It?<br> +Why is it so Dry?<br> +Woman, Past and Present<br> +Women's Rights Again<br> +Woman in Wall Street<br> +Woman in the Census<br> +Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet<br> +Words and their Abases<br> +Wrong Mouth<br> +Wringer of the Future<br> + <br> + <b>Y</b><br> + <br> +Y.M.C.A.<br> + <br> + <center> <img alt="" src="images/14.jpg"> </center> + <hr style="width: 45%;"> <br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: center; width: 30%;"> <big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">A. T. Stewart& Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> +Have opened<br> +AN IMMENSE STOCK OF<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">SILKS,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +For<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">STREET AND EVENING DRESSES,</span><br> +At $2 per yard,<br> +Recently sold at $4 and $5.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">A LARGE LINE OF</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">STRIPED SILKS,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">FRESH GOODS</span><br> + <br> +$1 to $1.50 per yard.<br> + <br> +EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS<br> +IN<br> + <br> + <big><big style="font-weight: bold;">BLACK SILKS,</big></big><br> + <br> +From $1.25 per yard upward.<br> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Plain and Plaid Poplins,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Satins de Chine,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Empress Cloths,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Royal Velvets,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">Serges, etc.</span><br> + <br> + <small>Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully +requested to examine.</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets.</span><br> + <br> + </td> + <td rowspan="3" style="text-align: left;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><big>PUNCHINELLO.<br> + <br> + </big></big></big></big><br> +The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly +Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public +in every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper +of the kind ever published in America. </div> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.</span><br> + <br> +Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) ............... $4.00<br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " six months, (without +premium,) ..................................... 2.00</span><br> + <br> + <span style="margin-left: 0.25em;">" " three months, +" ............................................. 1.00</span><br> + <br> +Single copies mailed free, for +............................................... .10<br> + <br> +We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S<br> +CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows:<br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year, and<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">"</span><b + style="font-weight: bold;">The Awakening</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">,"</span></big></big> (a Litter of +Puppies.) Half chromo.<br> +Size 8-3/8 by 11-1/8 ($2.00 picture,) for ...................... $4.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $3.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wild Roses.</span></big></big> +12-1/8 x 9.<br> + <big><big><b>Dead Game</b>.</big></big> 11-1/8 x 8-3/8.<br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 6-3/4 x 10-1/4—for +..................... $5.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $5.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Group of Chickens;<br> +Group of Ducklings;<br> +Group of Quails</b>.</big></big><br> +Each 10 x 12-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Poultry Yard</b>.</big></big> 10-1/8 x 14<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Barefoot Boy;<br> +Wild Fruit</b>.</big></big> Each 9-3/4 x 13.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Pointer and Quail;<br> +Spaniel and Woodcock</b>.</big></big> 10 x 12—for ... $6.50<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $6.00 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Baby in Trouble;<br> +The Unconscious Sleeper;<br> +The Two Friends</b>. (Dog and Child.)</big></big><br> +Each 13 x 16-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Spring;<br> +Summer;<br> +Autumn;</b><br> + </big></big> 12-7/8 x 16-1/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>The Kid's Play Ground</b>.</big></big><br> +11 x 17-1/2—for ................. $7.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the following $7.50 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Strawberries and Baskets</b>.</big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b style="font-weight: bold;">Cherries and Baskets</b><span + style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Currants</b>.</big></big> Each 13 x 18.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Horses in a Storm</b>.</big></big> 22-1/4 x 15-1/4.<br> + <br> + <big style="font-weight: bold;"><big>Six Central Park Views. (A +set.)</big></big><br> +9-1/8 x 4-1/2—for ........... $8.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Six American Landscapes</b>. (A set.)</big></big><br> +4-3/8 x 9, price $9.00—for +.............................................. $9.00<br> + <br> + <br> +A copy of paper for one year and either of the<br> +following $10 chromos:<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Sunset in California</b>.</big></big> (Bierstadt) +18-1/2 x 12<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Easter Morning</b>.</big></big> 14 x 21.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Corregio's Magdalen</b>.</big></big> 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.<br> + <br> + <big><big><b>Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit</b>.</big></big> +(Half chromos,)<br> +15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00<br> + <br> +Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on +New York, or Registered letters. The paper will be sent from the first +number, (April 2d, 1870,) when not otherwise ordered.<br> + <br> +Postage of paper is payable at the office where received, twenty cents +per year, or five cents per quarter, in advance; the CHROMOS will be <i>mailed +free</i> on receipt of money.<br> + <br> +CANVASSERS WANTED, to whom liberal commissions will be given. For +special terms address the Company.<br> + <br> +The first ten numbers will be sent to any one desirous of seeing the +paper before subscribing, for SIXTY CENTS. A specimen copy sent to any +one desirous of canvassing or getting up a club, on receipt of postage +stamp.<br> + <br> +Address,<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> +P.O. Box 2783. No. 83 Nassau Street, New York.<br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. +Stewart & Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>Have largely replenished all their<br> + <br> +Popular Stocks of</small><br> + <br> + <big><big>DRESS GOODS,</big></big><br> + <br> +Etc., Etc.<br> + <br> +WITH GOODS WHICH<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">For Quality, Style and Prices,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">CANNOT BE EXCELLED,</span><br> + <br> + <small>and respectfully request purchasers<br> + <br> +To Examine the Same,</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">EXTRAORDINARY +BARGAINS</span></big><br> + <br> + <small>IN</small><br> + <br> + <big><big style="font-weight: bold;">CARPETS.</big></big><br> + <br> +100 Pieces Five-Frame<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH BRUSSELS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Reduced to $1.75 per yard.<br> + <br> + <small>200 Pieces do., Greater part<br> +Confined Styles, Reduced<br> +to $2 per yard.</small><br> + <br> +Very Best Quality<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS</span></big><br> + <br> +$1.30 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">FRENCH MOQUETTES</span></big><br> + <small>AND</small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">AXMINSTERS</span></big><br> + <br> +$3.50 and $4 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">ROYAL WILTONS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard.<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">CROSSLEY'S VELVETS,</span></big><br> + <br> +Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard.<br> + <br> +Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys.<br> + <br> +English and Domestic<br> + <br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">OILCLOTHS, RUGS,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">MATS, ETC.,</span></big><br> + <br> +At extremely low prices<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">A.T. STEWART & Co.</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">BROADWAY,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS</span><br> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" align="center" + width="800"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td width="66%" rowspan="2"> + <center> <img alt="THE WIFE'S WINDFALL." src="images/16.jpg"> + <p><b>THE WIFE'S WINDFALL.</b></p> + <p><i>Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the +piano, last night.)</i> "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, +ANGELINA?"</p> + <p><i>Angelina.</i> "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS—AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW +PIANO STOOL, SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND—SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"</p> + </center> + </td> + <td align="center">"The Printing-House of the United States."<br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">GEO.F.NESBITT & +CO.,</span></big></big><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">General JOB PRINTERS,</span><br> + <br> +BLANK BOOK Manufacturers,<br> +STATIONERS, Wholesale and Retail,<br> +LITHOGRAPHIC Engravers and Printers.<br> +COPPER-PLATE Engravers and Printers,<br> +CARD Manufacturers,<br> +ENVELOPE Manufacturers.<br> +FINE CUT and COLOR Printers.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">163, 165, 167, and 169 PEARL ST.,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">73, 75, 77, and 79 PINE ST., New +York.</span><br> + <br> + <small>ADVANTAGES. All on the same premises, and under immediate +supervision of the proprietors.</small><br> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td align="center"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Tourists +and leisure Travelers</span><br> + <small>will be glad to learn that the Erie Railway Company has +prepared</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">COMBINATION EXCURSION</span><br> + <small><small>OR</small></small><br> + <big><span style="font-weight: bold;">Round Trip Tickets,</span></big><br> + <p><small>Valid during the entire season, and embracing +Ithaca—headwaters of Cayuga Lake—Niagara Falls, Lake Ontario, the River +St. Lawrence, Montreal, Quebec, Lake Champlain, Lake George, Saratoga, +the White Mountains and all principal points of interest in Northern +New York, the Canadas, and New England. Also similar Tickets at reduced +rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit the +celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that region. By applying +at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., Nos. 241, 529 and 957 Broadway; +205 Chambers St.; 38 Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, +Harlem; 338 Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and +foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long Dock Depot, +Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal hotels, travelers can +obtain just the Ticket they desire, as well as all the necessary +information.</small></p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2"> + <center> + <p><small>PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," +"Water-Lilies," "Chas. Dickens."<br> +PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art and Bookstores throughout the world.<br> +PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp.</small></p> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">L. PRANG & CO., Boston.</span> + </center> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" border="1" + style="width: 800px; text-align: left; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"> + <tbody> + <tr> + <td style="width: 50%;"> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <big><big><big><span + style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO.</span></big></big></big><br> + <br> + <small>With a large and varied experience in the management and +publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and with the +still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital to justify the +undertaking, the</small><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO</span>.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK,</span><br> + <br> +Presents to the public for approval, the new<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND +SATIRICAL</span><br> + <br> + <small><span style="font-weight: bold;">WEEKLY PAPER,</span></small><br> + <br> + <big><big><span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO,</span></big></big><br> + <br> +The first number of which was issued under<br> +date of April 2.<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">ORIGINAL ARTICLES,</span><br> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> Suitable for the paper, and +Original Designs,, or suggestive ideas or sketches for illustrations, +upon the topics of the day, are always acceptable and will be paid for +liberally.<br> + <br> +Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage stamps are +inclosed. </div> + </div> + <div style="text-align: center;"> <br> +TERMS:<br> + <br> +One copy, per year, in advance ....................... $4.00<br> + <br> +Single copies .......................................... .10<br> + <br> +A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten cents.<br> + <br> +One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other<br> +magazine or paper, price, $2.50, for ................. 5.50<br> + <br> +One copy, with any magazine or paper, price, $4, for.. 7.00 </div> + <br> + <div style="text-align: center;"> All communications, +remittances, etc., to be addressed to<br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO.,</span><br> + <br> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">No 83 Nassau Street,</span><br + style="font-weight: bold;"> + <br style="font-weight: bold;"> + <span style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box, 2783. NEW YORK.</span> + </div> + </td> + <td style="text-align: center;"> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big><big>THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. +DROOD.</big></big></p> + <p style="font-style: italic;">The New Burlesque Serial,</p> + <p><big>Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO,</big></p> + <p><small>BY</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><big>ORPHEUS C. KERR,</big></p> + <p><small>Commenced in No. 11. will be continued weekly +throughout the year.</small></p> + <p><small>A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom +friend, with superb illustrations of</small></p> + <p>1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, +TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY.</p> + <p>2ND. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE taken +as he appears "Every Saturday." will also be found in the same number.</p> + <br> + <p>Single Copies, for sale by all newsmen,<br> +(or mailed from this office, free,) Ten Cents.</p> + <p>Subscription for One Year, one copy,<br> +with $2 Chromo Premium. $4.</p> + <p><small>Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this +new serial, which promises to be the best ever written by ORPHEUS C. +KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular receipt weekly.</small></p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;"><small>We will send the first Ten +Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to<br> +any one who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on<br> +the receipt of SIXTY CENTS.</small></p> + <p>Address,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">P. O. Box 2783.</p> + <p style="font-weight: bold;">83 Nassau St., New York.</p> + </td> + </tr> + </tbody> +</table> +<br> +<center> GEO. W, WHEAT & Co, PRINTER, NO. 8 SPRUCE STREET. </center> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September +24, 1870, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 26 *** + +***** This file should be named 10034-h.htm or 10034-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/0/0/3/10034/ + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punchinello, Vol. 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: November 10, 2003 [EBook #10034] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCHINELLO, VOL. 1, NO. 26 *** + + + + +Produced by Cornell University, Joshua Hutchinson, +Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CONANT'S | + | | + | PATENT BINDERS | + | | + | FOR | + | | + | "PUNCHINELLO," | + | | + | to preserve the paper for binding, will be sent postpaid, on | + | receipt of One Dollar, by | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | 83 Nassau Street, New York City. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | CARBOLIC SALVE | + | | + | Recommended by Physicians. | + | | + | The best Salve in use for all disorders of the Skin, | + | for Cuts, Burns, Wounds, &c. | + | | + | USED IN HOSPITALS. | + | | + | SOLD BY ALL DRUGGISTS. | + | | + | PRICE 25 CENTS. | + | | + | JOHN F. HENRY, Sole Proprietor, | + | No. 8 College Place, New York. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | HARRISON BRADFORD & CO.'S | + | | + | STEEL PENS. | + | | + | These Pens are of a finer duality, more durable, and | + | cheaper than any other Pen in the market. Special attention | + | is called to the following grades as being better suited | + | for business purposes than any Pen manufactured. The | + | | + | "505," "22," and the "Anti-Corrosive," | + | we recommend for Bank and Office use. | + | | + | D. APPLETON & CO., | + | Sole Agents for United States. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +Vol 1. No. 26. + + +PUNCHINELLO + + +SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870. + + +PUBLISHED BY THE + +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, + +83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK. + + * * * * * + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, + +By ORPHEUS C. 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STEPHENS, | + | | + | ARTIST, | + | | + | No. 160 FULTON STREET, | + | | + | NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | GEO. B. BOWLEND, | + | | + | Draughtsman & Designer | + | | + | No. 160 Fulton Street, | + | | + | Room No. 11, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + +THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. + +AN ADAPTATION. + +BY ORFHEUS C. KERR + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD. + +The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation +having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a +time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the city +and her brother, and FLORA POTTS is ridiculously and absurdly alone. + +Under the ardent sun of August, Bumsteadville slowly bakes, like an +ogre's family-dish of stuffed cottages and greens, with here and there +some slowly moving object, like a loose vegetable on a sluggish current +of tidal gravy, and the spire of the Ritualistic church shooting-up at +one end like an incorrigibly perpendicular leg of magnified mutton. + +Hotter and hotter comes the breath fiery of nature's cookery, until some +of the stuffing boils out of one cottage, in the shape of the Oldest +Inhabitant, who makes his usual annual remark, that this is the Warmest +Day in ninety-eight years, and then simmers away to some cooler nook +amongst the greens. More and more intolerably quivers the atmosphere of +the sylvan oven with stifling fervency, until there oozes from beneath +the shingled crust of a vegetarian country-boarding-house a parboiled +guest from the City, who, believing himself almost ready to turn, drifts +feebly to where the roads fork and there is a shade more dun; while, to +the speculative mind, each glowing field of corn, or buckwheat, is an +incipient Meal, and each chimney, or barn, a mere temptation to guess +how many Swallows there may be in it. + +Upon the afternoon of such a day as this, Miss POTTS is informed, by a +servant, that Mr. BUMSTEAD has arrived, and, sending her his love, would +be pleased to have her come down stairs to him and bring him a fan. + +"Why didn't you tell him I wasn't at home, you absurd thing?" cries the +young girl, hurriedly practicing a series of agitated looks and pensive +smiles before her mirror. + +"So I did, Miss," answers the attached menial, "but he'd seen you +looking at him with an opera-glass as he came up the path, and said that +he could hear you taking a clean handkerchief out of tho drawer, on +purpose to receive him with, before he'd got to the door." + +"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding +her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish +members. + +After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the +scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the +meteorological mania so strikingly prevalent amongst all the other +characters of this narrative, and says that she will receive the visitor +in the yard, near the pump. Then, casting carelessly over her shoulder +that web-like shawl without which no woman nor spider is complete, she +arranges her lips in the glass for the last time, and, with a garden-hat +hanging from the elbow latest singed, goes down, humming +un-suspiciously, into the open-air, with the guileless bearing of one +wholly unprepared for company. + +Resting an elbow upon a low iron patent-pump, near a rustic seat, the +Ritualistic organist, in his vast linen coat and imposing straw hat, +looks not unlike an eccentric garden statue, upon which some prudish +slave of modern conventionalities has placed the summer attire of a +western editor. The great heat of the sun upon his back makes him +irritable, and when Miss POTTS sharply smites with her fan the knuckles +of the hand which he has affably extended to take her by the chin, more +than the usual symptoms of acute inflammation appear at the end of his +nose, and he blows hurriedly upon his wounded digits. + +"That hurt like the mischief!" he remarks, in some anger. "I don't know +when I've felt anything smart so." + +"Then don't be so horrid," returns the pensive girl, taking a seat +before him upon the rustic settee, and abstractedly arranging her dress +so that only two-thirds of a gaiter-boot can be seen. + +Munching cloves, the aroma of which ladens the air all around him, Mr. +BUMSTEAD contemplates her with a calmness which would be enthralling, +but for the nervous twisting of his features under the torments of a +singularly adhesive fly. + +"I have come, dear," he observes, slowly, "to know how soon you will be +ready for me to give you your next music-lesson?" + +"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling +answer. + +The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently. +"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody +listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about +those music-lessons?" + +"I don't want any more, thank you," says FLORA, coldly. "While we are +all in mourning for our poor, dear absurd EDDY, it seems like a +perfectly ridiculous mockery to be practicing the scales." + +Fanning himself with his straw hat, Mr. BUMSTEAD shakes his bushy head +several times. "You do not discriminate sufficiently," he replies. +"There are kinds of music which, when performed rapidly upon the violin, +fife, or kettle-drum, certainly fill the mind with sentiments +unfavorable to the deeper anguish of human sorrow. Of such, however, is +not the kind made by young girls, which is at all times a help to the +intensity of judicious grief. Let me assure you, with the candor of an +idolized friend, that some of the saddest hours of my life have been +spent in teaching you to try to sing a humorous aria from DONIZETTI; and +the moments in which I have most sincerely regretted ever having been +born were those in which you have played, in my hearing, the +Drinking-song from _La Traviata_. Believe me, then, my devoted pupil, +there can be nothing at all inconsistent with a prevalence of profound +melancholy in your continued piano-playing; whereas, on the contrary, +your sudden and permanent cessation might at least surprise your friends +and the neighborhood into a light-heartedness temporarily oblivious of +the memory of that dear, missing boy, to whom you could not, I hear, +give the love already bestowed upon me." + +"I loved him ridiculously, absurdly, with my whole heart," cries FLORA, +not altogether liking what she has heard. "I'm real sorry, too, that +they think somebody has killed him." + +Mr, BUMSTEAD folds his brown linen arms as he towers before her, and the +dark circles around his eyes appear to shrink with the intensify of his +gaze. + +"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our +last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was +to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to +associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the +censorious, and invite suspicions tending to our early cross-examination +by our Irish local magistrate. I do not say, of course, that you +actually destroyed my nephew for fear he should try to prejudice me +against you; but I cannot withhold my earnest approval of your judicious +pretence of a sentiment palpably incompatible with the shedding of the +blood of its departed object. If you will move your dress a little, so +that I can sit beside you and allow your head to rest upon my shoulder, +that fan will do for both of us, and we may converse in whispers." + +"My head upon _your_ shoulder!" exclaims Miss POTTS, staring swiftly +about to see if anybody is looking. "I prefer to keep my head upon my +own shoulders, sir." + +"Two heads are better than one," the Ritualistic organist reminds her. +"If a little hair-oil and powder _does_ come off upon my coat, the +latter will wash, I suppose. Come, dearest, if it is our fate to never +get through this hot day alive, let us be sunstruck together." + +She shrinks timidly from the brown linen arm which he begins insinuating +along the back of the rustic settee, and tells him that she couldn't +have believed that he could be so absurd. He draws back his arm, and +seems hurt. + +"FLORA," he says, tenderly, "how beautiful you are, especially when +fixed up. The more I see of yon, the less sorry I am that I have +concluded to be yours. All the time that my dear boy was trying to +induce you to relase him from his engagement, I was thinking how much +better you might do; yet, beyond an occasional encouraging wink, I never +gave the least sign of reciprocating your attachment. I did not think it +would be right" + +The assertion, though superficially true, is so imperfect in its +delineation of habitual conduct liable to another construction, that the +agitated Flowerpot returns, with quick indignation, "your arm was always +reaching out whenever you sat in a chair anywhere near me, and whenever +I sang you always kept looking straight into my mouth until it tickled +me. You know you did, you hateful thing! Besides, it wasn't you that I +preferred, at all; it was--oh, it's too ridiculous to tell!" + +In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from +him into the house, when he speaks again. + +"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such, +that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle +to which you could give no pleased attention?" + +"What do you mean, you absurd creature?" + +"I mean," continues Mr. BUMSTEAD, "simply this: you know my double loss. +You know that, upon the person of the male PENDRAGON was found an apple +looking and tasting like one which my nephew once had. You know, that +when Miss PENDRAGON went from here she wore an alpaca waist which looked +as though it had been exposed more than once to the rain.--See the +point?" + +FLORA gives a startled look, and says: "I don't see it." + +"Suppose," he goes on--"suppose that I go to a magistrate, and say: +'Judge, I voted for you, and can influence a large foreign vote for you +again. I have lost a nephew who was very fond of apples, and a black +alpaca umbrella of great value. A young Southerner, who has not lived in +this State long enough to vote, has been found in possession of an apple +singularly like the kind generally eaten by my missing relative, and his +sister has come out in a waist made of second-hand alpaca?'--See the +point now?" + +"Mr. BUMSTEAD," exclaims FLORA, affrighted by the terrible menace of his +manner, "I don't any more believe that Mr. PENDRAGON is guilty than I, +myself, am; and as for your old umbrella--" + +"Stop, woman!" interrupted the bereaved organist, imperiously. "Not even +your lips shall speak disrespectfully of my lost bone-handled friend. By +a chain of unanswerable argument, I have shown you that I hold the fate +of your southern acquaintances in my hands, and shall be particularly +sorry if you force me to hang Mr. PENDRAGON as a rival." + +FLORA puts her hands to her temples, to soothe her throbbing head and +display a bracelet. + +"Oh, what shall I do! I don't want anybody to be hung! It must be so +perfectly awful!" + +Her touching display of generous feeling does not soften him. On the +contrary, he stands more erect, and smiles rather triumphantly under his +straw hat. + +"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce +you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both +longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My +poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your +momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was but the effect of a +temporary despair undoubtedly produced by my seeming coldness. That +coldness had nothing to do with my heart, but resulted partially from my +habit of wearing a wet towel on my head. I now propose to you--" + +"Propose to me?" ejaculates Miss POTTS, with heightened color. + +"--That you pick out a worthy man belonging to your own section of the +Union," he continues hastily. "Here's my Heart," he adds, going through +the motions of taking something from a pocket and placing it in his +outstretched palm, "and here's my Hand,"--placing therein an equally +imaginary object from another pocket.--"Try the H. and H. of J. +BUMSTEAD." + +His manner is as though he were commending some patent article of +unquestionable utility. + +"But I can't bear the sight of you!" she cries, pushing away the brown +linen arm coming after her again. + +Taking away her fan, he pats her on the head with it, and seems +momentarily surprised at the hollow sound. + +"Future Mrs. BUMSTEAD," he cheerfully replies, at last, "my observation +and knowledge of the women of America teach me that there never was a +wife going to Indiana for a divorce, who had not at first sworn to love, +as well as honor and obey, her husband. Such is woman that if she had +felt and said at the altar that she couldn't bear the sight of him, it +wouldn't have been in the power of masculine brutality and dissipated +habits to drive her from his side through all their lives. There can be +no better sign of our future happiness, than for you to say, beforehand, +that you utterly detest the man of your choice." + +There is something terrible to the young girl in the original turn of +thought of this fascinating man. Say what she may, he at once turns it +into virtual devotion to himself. He appears to have a perfectly +dreadful power to hang everybody; he considers her strongest avowal of +present personal dislike the most promising indication she can give of +eternal future infatuation with him, and his powerful mode of reasoning +is more profound and composing than an article in a New York newspaper +on a War in Europe. Rendered dizzy by his metaphysical conversation, she +arises from the rustic seat, and is flying giddily into the house, when +he leaps athletically after her, and catches her in the doorway. + +"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient +restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a +secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling +out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's +the feller that's goin' to get married!' When a man is about to make a +fool of himself, it is not for children to remind him of it." + +The door being opened before she can answer, FLORA receives a parting +bow of Grandisonian elegance from Mr. BUMSTEAD, and hastens up stairs to +her room in a distraction of mind not uncommon to those having +conversational relations with the Ritualistic organist. + +_(To be Continued.)_ + + * * * * * + +Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the +PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York. + + * * * * * + +A GOOD FIGHT. + +We presume that all the Boston people "lecture" at times; at any rate +they could, if they wanted to. No one doubts their ability. + +But, let the number of these imparters of information be ever so great, +we have reason to doubt whether any other of these accomplished parties +has grappled with so formidable, so tremendous a subject, as that which +is now exciting the powerful mind of Miss LILLIAN EDGARTON. + +She is going to do it, though! If her life is spared, and her +constitution remains free from blight, (both of which felicities we +trust will be hers,) that subject has got to come under. + +That all may know how great is the task, and the confidence required to +pitch into it, we announce, with a flourish, that Miss L. E. is about to +attack that well-known Saurian Monster, termed GOSSIP! Considered as a +Disease, she proposes to find the Cause and the Cure. Considered as a +living and gigantic Nuisance (by far surpassing any Dragon described by +SPENSER,) she designs to hunt him out and slay him incontinently. + +Courage, fair Knight! Our eldest Son is kept in reserve for some such +Heroine! If you would be famous, if you would make a perfect thing of +this Crusade, if you would render the lives of your fellow mortals +longer and happier, if you would win that noble and ingenuous youth, our +son, go in vehemently! + +And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your +attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay? +We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now, +we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them. + +We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a big U! You kill little +Gossip, and see how quick his brothers and sisters will fall, before our +mighty battle-axe! + +(And so they will fall, sure enough, but it will be simply because when +our dear young knight, L.E., has killed _her_ Dragon, she will have +wiped out the whole brood! They can't live without their sweet and +attractive little sister. And so, like many a bigger humbug, we shall +take great credit, that belongs to somebody else, and assume to have +done big things, at enormous expense of blood and money. Trust us, for +that!) + + * * * * * + +NAPOLEON III AT SEDAN. + +September, 1870. + + I _was_ an Emperor. _Voila c'est bon!_ + BAZAINE, MACMAHON, fought--'twas my affair. + Only, to please my doctor, NELATON, + I left the throne, to take a Sedan chair. + + * * * * * + +Unlimited Lie-Ability. + +_Veritas_ writes to say that as he was crossing the ferry from Wall +Street to Brooklyn, yesterday afternoon, he counted 117 persons reading +PUNCHINELLO. He did not observe a single copy of the _Sun_ on board, +until the boat neared Brooklyn, when a man of squalid appearance +produced from a dirty newspaper some soiled articles, all of which +seemed to have been steeped in Lye, from contact with the sheet, which +proved to be the _Sun._ + + * * * * * + +A Con for the "Ninth." + +What is there in common between Colonel FISK'S war-horse and a New York +Ice Company? + +Both are tremendous Chargers. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAYS AND SHOWS. + +Here I am again, back from the seashore, to find the theatres opening, +the war closing, and GREELEY burning to imitate the late French Emperor, +by leading the Republican hosts to defeat in the Fall campaign, so as to +be in a position to write to the Germanically named HOFFMAN--"As I +cannot fall, ballot in hand, at the head of my repeaters, I surrender to +your victorious Excellency." + +Being back, I went to see _Julius Caesar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the +day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer, +ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of +March, but of the _Idees Napoleoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at +a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the right to assail in his +newspaper, the virtue of every female relative of the Imperial family. +Of course I know that JULIUS CAESAR was not a Frenchman--for the modesty +of his "Commentaries" is proverbial--and that SHAKESPEARE never so much +as heard of the Man of December. Nevertheless the two CAESARS were +inextricably mixed up in my mind. I know that two or three editorial +persons who sat close by me, were continually talking of NAPOLEON, and I +may possibly have confounded their remarks with those of the actors. +Still I could not divest myself of the impression that I was sometimes +in Paris and sometimes in Rome, and that the sepulchral voice of Mr. +THEODORE HAMILTON, was more often that of NAPOLEON than that of JULIUS. +The play presents itself to my recollection in the following shape. As I +said before, it was represented at the very moment that the French +republicans, being satisfied with the bees in their respective bonnets, +were obliterating the imperial bees from the doors of the Tuileries, and +being anxious to take arms against a sea of Prussians, were taking down +the imperial arms wherever they could find them. Remembering this, the +reader will be able to account for any slight difference in text between +my _Julius Caesar,_ and that of the respectable and able Mr. SHAKESPEARE. + +ACT I.--_Enter various Irish Roman Citizens, flourishing the shillelahs +of the period._ + +1ST. CITIZEN. "Here's a row. Great CAESAR is going to march to Berlin. +Hooray for the Hemperor." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "I grant you he was popular when the war began, +but to-day the people despise him." + +CASSIUS. "I hate this CAESAR. Once he tried to swim across the British +Channel with a tame eagle on his shoulder, and couldn't do it. When he +is sick he takes anti-bilious pills, like any other man. Obviously he +don't deserve to live." + +CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be +discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows +of Paris." + +BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw +glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and +will make people think I am a profound philosopher." + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What I say is this. He, CAESAR, governed the Roman +rabble vastly better than they deserved. His only mistakes were, in not +sending CASSIUS, who was a sort of ROCHEFORT, without ROCHEFORT'S +cowardice, to the galleys, and in not sending BRUTUS as Minister to some +capital so dreary that he would have shot himself as soon as he reached +his destination." + +ACT II.--_Enter_ BRUTUS _and fellow radicals._ + +BRUTUS. "I have no complaint against CAESAR, and I therefore gladly join +your noble band of assassins. We will kill him and establish a +provisional government with myself at its head. CAESAR is ambitious, and +I hate ambition. All I want is to be the ruler of Rome." + +CASSIUS. "Come, my brave fellows. Haste to the stabbing. Away! Away!" + +EDITORIAL PERSON. "What a farce is history. Here are PUMBLECHOOK, BRUTUS +and JOHN WILKES CASSIUS held up as models of excellence and integrity. +What did they and their fellow scoundrels do after they had killed +CAESAR, but desolate their country with civil war?" + +ACT III.--_Enter_ ASSASSINS _headed by_ BRUTUS _and_ GAMBETTA, CASSIUS +_and_ ROCHEFORT. + +CASSIUS. "Here is CAESAR with his back toward us, fighting the German's +hordes. Let us steal up and stab him before he can help himself." _(They +stab him.)_ + +CASSIUS. "Now we will kick his wife out of Paris and smash his +furniture. We will all become a Provisional Government, and fix +everything to suit ourselves. I will revive my newspaper, and hire a +staff from the New York _Sun,_ who will make it more scurrilous than +ever." + +_Enter the Parisian populace crying, "Hooray for_ CAESAR." + +CASSIUS. "Hush. CAESAR is dead, and we are going to proclaim a republic. +Begin and abuse him with all your might. We'll let you smash some +windows presently." + +POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife +and smash everything generally." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him. +To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will +want him back again." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the noblest nephew of his +uncle that ever lived in France or elsewhere. He was unscrupulous, I +admit, but he knew how to rule. Shall we stay and hear MARK ANTONY +praise him, and set the fickle rabble at the throats of ROCHEFORT and +BRUTUS, and their gang?" + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "That will take place very shortly, but I can't +wait for it. I must go home to write an editorial welcoming the new +republic, and prophesying all manner of success for it. The American +people like that sort of trash, though they have already twice seen the +French try republican institutions only to make a muddle of them." + +2ND EDITORIAL PERSON. "What do you think of the actors here at NIBLO'S." + +1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "DAVENPORT is good but heavy, BARRETT rants like a +raving French radical. MONTGOMERY is excellent, and the rest are so so." + +And the undersigned having seen the French revolution played on the +Roman stage at NIBLO'S, also went home without waiting to see the +prophetic fourth and fifth acts, in which the conspirators come to +grief, and the empire is reestablished. We shall read all about it in +the cable dispatches a few months hence. Good Heavens! who can listen +calmly to the speeches of the players, while the grandest drama of the +century is acting across the sea, where a mad populace, freed from the +firm grasp of its master, breaks windows and howls itself hoarse as the +best preparations for holding the fairest of cities against the +resistless veterans of VON MOLTKE. + +MATADOR. + + * * * * * + +Insurrectionary. + +PUNCHINELLO, pondering over the vast sums that have been forwarded to +Cuba, in aid of the insurrectionary movements there, and struck with the +disadvantages under which the promoters of liberty labor in that sunny +isle, blesses his stars that, thanks to the enterprise of Miss SUSAN B. +ANTHONY, he can raise a Revolution in New York City, at any time, +for ten cents. Let those whom it may concern take heed. + + * * * * * + +Bluff King Bill. + +L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off +from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration +of "footing the Bill." + + * * * * * + +Query. + +As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisances have been abolished, +will it be right to say that they have fallen into de-_suet_-ude? + + * * * * * + +A Seasonable Conundrum. + +Why is New York City like the ex-Emperor of the French? +Because it has just got rid of its Census. + + * * * * * + +A Suggestion. + +In consideration of the splendid jewels worn by him, might not Colonel +JIM FISK be more appropriately called Colonel GEM FISK. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF THE WAR. + +A Sketch In the Bowery. + +_Small Frenchman._ "WHAT FOR YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR DAMBABY VEN YOU PASS?" + +_Big German._ "WANTS TO FIGHT?--DINKS YOU CAN WHIP ME, EH?" + +_Small Frenchman._ "NO--BUT I CAN GIVE YOUR DAMBABY ONE BLACK EYE!"] + + * * * * * + +BY GEORGE! + +LAKE GEORGE, August 30. + +DEAR PUNCHINELLO:--I arrived here last Saturday, and as I would be the +last person to allow a commendable enterprise to languish for want of +proper encouragement, and in order to put the Hotel proprietors out of +suspense, I thought I would let you know without further delay that I +consider Lake George a success. + +Not being expected, as I supposed, I must admit I was somewhat gratified +to find a full band playing on the veranda as the coach I was in drove +up. + +It was a sort of delicate attention, you know. + +I notice, however, that they continue playing in the afternoon since +then, I suppose it struck them as a good idea at the time. + +The Fort William Henry Hotel is a gorgeous affair in every respect. It +is situated very near the old original Fort, just where the French +troops advanced to capture it, and made their celebrated charges. + +Perhaps the present proprietor can't discount them at that sort of +thing. + +Perhaps not! + +Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts, +five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs. + +The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a +little too much mint in them, I must say. + +L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern +conveniences. It isn't within five minutes walk of the post office, but +its water conveniences are apparent to all. There is no end to its +belles, and as for its ranges, it has two of them--both Adirondacks. + +Yesterday I took a trip up the Lake and across to its neighbor, +Champlain. + +Everybody takes this trip because its "the thing," and it is therefore +particularly necessary to take it. Ostensibly, you go to view the +scenery, really, to be inveigled into paying for a low comedy of a +dinner at the other end. + +The first place our boat stopped at is called the "Trout Pavillion," +principally, so far as I can learn, on account of the immense number of +pickerel caught there, and from the fact that it is unquestionably a +good site for a Pavillion whenever the esteemed Proprietor turns up +jacks enough, at his favorite game, to build one. + +The next place was set down in the Guide Book as the "Three Sisters" +Islands, an appellation arising from the fact that there are precisely +_four_ of them. + +I mentioned this apparent discrepancy to the boat clerk. + +This young man, who belongs to a Base Ball Club, informs me that these +islands invariably travelled with a "substitute," as one occasionally +got "soaked." + +This certainly seems a little curious, but as the young man says he was +born here, I suppose he knows. + +This same young man pointed out a beautiful spot called Green Island and +asked me if I wouldn't like to live there. + +He said he thought it would just suit me. + +The attention of these people is really delightful. + +Some of these places, however, have very inappropriate names, for +instance another little gem is called "Hog Island." No one knows why it +was so called. The clerk of the boat don't either. + +He wanted to know if I had ever dined there. + +I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat +fellows, always. + +About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain. + +A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there. + +That may have had something to do with its name. + +Nobody ever goes there now. + +People go very near the mountain in boats, however, as it is noted for +something very extraordinary in the Echo line. + +It has what is called a "Double Echo." + +I fully expected something of this kind. + +Now if there is anything I am particularly down on, it is those +unmitigated frauds known as Echoes. And if I ever throw four sixes, it +is when I am tackling some unsuspecting old ass of a watering place +echo. + +I consider them "_holler_ mockeries." + +Of course we steamed within proper distance, and I seized the +opportunity to "put a head on" this venerable two-ply nuisance, as +follows: + +First, I read a page of a Patent Office Report I go armed with. + +This the Echo, with very little hesitation, repeated in duplicate as +usual. From one side of the rock in English, and from the other in fair +French. + +I saw at once that old EK was pretty well filled. + +Next I sang "Listen to the Mocking Bird," which it repeated very +creditably indeed, dropping but two notes on the third verse. This it +made up for, I am bound to admit, by throwing in some original +variations in the chorus. + +But I hadn't played from my sleeve yet, so I recited HAMLET'S Soliloquy. + +From the wooded slope on our right came the familiar "_To be_" of BOOTH, +while from the sloping woods on our left proceeded a finely rendered +imitation of the Teutonic FECHTER, in the same. + +This staggered me! + +I had one more jack in my cuff, however. I pulled out a copy of the +Tribune and read a few paragraphs of GREELEY'S "What do I know about +Farming." + +_That settled him!_ + +He never got to the first semi-colon. It knocked the breath right out of +him! + +The poor old fossil had to quit. He changed his repeater to a leaver. +But then you see he had held the office a good while. + +He hasn't left the business to any one, either. + +In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The +sign is down. + +In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the +celebrated "Roger's Slide." + +SAGINAW DODD. + +[_To be continued._] + + * * * * * + +RAMBLINGS. + +BY MOSE SKINNER. + +POPULARITY. + +Next to talk, popularity is the cheapest thing I know of. It is achieved +by three classes--those who have brains, those who have money, and those +who have neither. The first earn it; the second buy it; and the third +stumble into it, perhaps by waving their hat at an engineer just in time +to prevent the train from dashing over a precipice, or by chopping off +somebody's head with a meat axe and burning the remains up afterwards, +in which case the next day's paper gives a faithful account of their +pedigree, and their photograph can be purchased at any respectable +news-dealers, at a price within reach of all. + +The most common-place sayings of popular men are handed down to +posterity, and a casual remark about the weather is often framed and +hung up in the spare-bedroom. + +It behooves every public man to keep a sentence or two on hand, with a +view to embalming them for future reference. I wish to state, in +confidence, that if any prominent man who can't think of anything that +sounds well, will address me, I will furnish him at the low price of one +dollar a sentence. My stock is entirely fresh and original, and embraces +such gems as--"Don't give up the ship," "Such is Life," "How's this for +high?" "I die happy," "A stitch in time saves nine," &c., &c. + +I am also prepared to furnish "last words of eminent men," at a moderate +compensation. + +General GRANT has taken time by the forelock in this matter. His "Let us +have Peace," was a most brilliant effort, because nobody ever thought of +it before. "I propose to move on your works immediately, if it takes all +summer," was also a happy thought. + +When General GRANT was in Boston he said he liked the way they made +gravy in Massachusetts. Now this in itself would not, perhaps, be called +deep, because others have said the same thing before, but, coming from a +man like GRANT, it set folks to thinking, and it is not surprising that +something of this sort went the rounds: + + "We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT, + during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was + gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in + Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few + words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point." + +At the Peace Jubilee, GRANT said he "liked the cannon best;" but the +reporters, being confidentially informed that the remark wasn't intended +for posterity, it didn't get out much. I didn't hear of his saying +anything else. + +If a popular man takes cold, the whole public sneeze. His opinions must +go into the papers any how, though perhaps no better than anybody's +else. Thus--from a daily paper: + + "The Hon. MONTGOMERY BLAIR recently said in a private + conversation, that the present war would probably end in + victory for the Prussians, and the overthrow of Napoleon." + +Supposing he did? I heard JOHN SMITH say the same thing in an eating +saloon over a month ago, and out of twenty gentlemen present, four were +reporters, but they didn't take out their note books in breathless haste +and put down the Hon. JOHN SMITH'S opinion, how Mr. SMITH looked when he +said it, and if he said it as though he really meant it, and in a manner +that thrilled his listeners. + +But JOHN hasn't any popularity, you see, and the Hon. MONTGOMERY +has--though it may be a little mildewed. + +Soon after the war, I wrote an article on the Alabama Claims. It was a +masterly effort, and cost me a month's salary to get it inserted in a +popular magazine. If that article had proved a success, I could easily +have gulled the public all my life on the popularity thus achieved. + +But I made a wretched mistake to start with. Instead of heading it "The +Alabama Claims," "By CHARLES SUMNER," or "HORACE GREELEY." I said "By +MOSE SKINNER." + +I will not dwell on the result. Suffice it to say that I soon after +retired from literature, a changed being, utterly devoid of hope. + +MORAL SUASION. + +A friend of mine, an eminent New York philanthropist, relates the +following interview with a condemned criminal. The crime for which this +wretched man was hung is still fresh in our memories. One morning at +breakfast his tripe didn't suit him, and he immediately brained his wife +and children and set the house on fire, varying the monotony of the +scene by pitching his mother-in-law down the well, having previously, +with great consideration, touched her heart with a cheese knife. + +I will now quote my friends' own words: + +"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and +utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had +visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest +impression upon him. + +"Without boasting, I wish to say that I knew I could touch this man's +heart. I saw a play once in which the most blood-thirsty and brutal +ruffian that ever existed was melted to tears at the mention of his +mother's name, and childhood's happy hours, and everybody knows that +what happens on the stage happens just the same in real life. + +"I naturally congratulated myself on having seen this play, for it gave +me power to cope with this relentless disposition. + +"He resisted all attempts at conversation, however, in the most dogged +manner, barely returning surly monosyllables to my anxious wishes for +his well being. + +"At last, laying my hand on his shoulder, and throwing considerable +pathos into my voice, I said: + +"My friend, it was not always thus with you. There was a time when you +sat upon your mother's knee, and gathered buttercups and daisies?" + +"Ah! I had touched the right chord at last. His brow contracted and his +lips twitched convulsively." + +"And when that mother put you in your little bed," I continued, "she +kissed you, and hoped you would grow up a--" + +"You lie," said he, "she didn't. The old woman was six foot under ground +afore I could chaw. Now, look a here, you're the fourth chap that's +tried the 'mother' dodge on me. Why don't you fellers" he added with a +malicious grin, "go back on the mother business, and give the old man a +chance, jest for a change?" + +"After the above scurvy treatment I was naturally anxious to witness the +man's funeral, which I understood was to be a gorgeous affair, six +respectably-attired females having been sworn in to kiss the body, amid +the hysteric weeps of three more in the background." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRACTICAL. + +_Housewife._ "VAKE YOU UP, HANS--HERE'S ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY." + +_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER +BRUSSIAN BIER."] + + * * * * * + +Hot and Cold. + +The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of +an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be +without ice before winter sets in. It is only for the purpose of keeping +us in hot water that the newspaper men say we shan't have cold water. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT JUST YET! + +_Mr. Greeley._ "PRAY, TAKE A SEAT, MR. WOODFORD; I WOULDN'T ON ANY +ACCOUNT DEPRIVE YOU," etc., etc. + +_Mr. Woodford._ "No! NO!--TAKE IT YOURSELF, MR. GREELEY; THE LAST THING +I SHOULD THINK OF WOULD BE," etc., etc. + +_Governor Hoffman._ "DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELVES, GENTLEMEN: I SHALL +PROBABLY CONTINUE TO OCCUPY THE CHAIR FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS, YET."] + + * * * * * + +COMIC ZOOLOGY. + +Genus, Phoca.--The Seal. + +This is the common name of the inoffensive and fur-bearing members of +the Phocidae family. The word seal is derived, radically, from the +German _Siegel,_ so that to say a man has "fought mit SIEGEL," is +equivalent to remarking that he has assailed a harmless and timid seal. + +The Phocidae, without distinction of sex, are known as Mammafers, +although it would manifestly be more correct to call the males Papafers. +Under the present classification, the confusion of genders necessarily +engenders confusion. + +Unless AGASSIZ is gassing us, the true seal has no sign of an ear, +wherefore the deafening roar of the surf in which it delights to sport +is probably no inconvenience to it. As distinguished from dumb beasts in +general, it may properly be called a deaf and dumb animal. The false +seal, on the contrary, has as true an ear as e'er was seen. To the +counterfeits belong the sea lion, the Mane specimen of the tribe in the +Arctic sea, and the sea leopard, which seems to be phocalized in the +Antarctic circle. All the varieties of the seal seek concealment in +caverns, and their Hides are much sought after. + +Sealing was at one time chiefly monopolized by adventurous New +Englanders, who combined the pursuit with whaling, but at present the +sealers of Salt Lake bear off the palm from all competitors, both as +regards numbers and hardihood. Whether they combine whaling with sealing +is not positively known, but probably they do. Such is the universal +passion for sealing among the people of that region, that the old men +act like Young men when engaged in this exciting occupation. + +The Phocidae appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very +early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St. +JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must +have been well acquainted with their internal structure. + +The earless, or true species, are often seen in considerable numbers on +the British coast, and the Great Seal of England--only to be found in +the vicinity of the Thames--is of such remarkable size and weight, that +it never makes its appearance without producing a strong Impression. + +The Green Seal, a much admired variety, is peculiar to Madeira, and +seals of various colors are often seen in close proximity to the +British. Ports; the number taken off Cork being prodigious. + +None of the animals of the Phoca genus are tenacious of life. They may +readily be destroyed with sealing whacks. A large stick properly applied +has been known to seal the fate of a dozen in the space of half an hour. +KANE knocked them over without difficulty, and they never attempt to +defend themselves, according to PANEY. + +In conclusion, it may be remarked that immense herds of seals cover the +coasts of Alaska. It is nevertheless difficult to catch a glimpse of +them, on account of the enormous flocks of humming birds, which darken +the air in that genial clime. Occasionally, however, the Arctic zephyrs +disperse the feathery cloud, and then vast numbers of the timid +creatures, with a sprinkling of the Walrus, may be seen by looking in a +Se(a)ward direction. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGMENT. + +The _Free (and Easy) Press_ has honored PUNCHINELLO with a brief as well +as premature obituary paragraph. Flattered as he is by being thus +noticed in the columns of a journal of the long standing and well +sustained popularity of the _Free (and Easy) Press_, it pains +PUNCHINELLO to be obliged to state that he still lives, and that he is +not only alive, but kicking. That he has come to an end, is true--but it +is to the end of his First Volume, as the _F. (and E.) Press_ can see by +turning to the admirably written, dashing, humorous, and absolutely +unsurpassable Index appended to our present number, which Index +PUNCHINELLO cordially recommends to the perusal of the _F. (and E.) +Press_. The Preface to his Second Volume, however, which is now in +preparation, will, PUNCHINELLO confidently assures the _F. (and E.) +Press_, be altogether superior to the Index to his First. Let the _F. +(and E.) Press_ look out for it. But, meanwhile, the _F. (and E.) Press_ +can cheer itself by frequent contemplation of the entertaining personage +who serves as tail-piece to the Index, and whose gesture is of that +familiar and suggestive kind that will doubtless be thoroughly +understood by the _F. (and E.) Press_, and, as PUNCHINELLO hopes, fully +appreciated. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT +FALL." + +AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO +BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE +CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.] + + * * * * * + +HIRAM GREEN IN WALL STREET. + +His Celebrated Speech before the Board or Brokers.--A few Words of Sound +Advice from the Squire. + +Doorin' a breef sojern in the Emperor City, a deputation of Wall Street +brokers and smashers called and invited me to make a speech afore the +members of their church, whose _Sin_-agog is situated in Brod Street. + +Thinks I, if I can make these infatuated worshippers of the Golden Calf, +Mammon, see the error of their ways and take a back track, me thunk my +chances for the White House would be full as flatterin' as Sisters +WOODHUL, GEORGIANA FRANCIS TRAIN, or any other woman, in '72. + +Layin' off my duster, and adjustin' my specturcals, at the appinted +hour, I slung the follerin' extemperaneous remarks at 'em: + +My infatuated friends and Goverment Bondmen: + +As an ex-statesman which has served his country for 4 years as Gustise +of the Peece, raisin' said offis to a hire standard than usual, to say +nothin' about raisin' an interestin' family of eleven morril an hily +intellectooal children, I rise and git up, ontramelled by any politikle +alliances, to say: that when you fellers git on a mussy fit, like the +old woman who undertook to pick her chickens by runnin' them through a +patent hash cutter, you make the feathers fly, and leave your victims in +a hily clawed up stait. + +Perfesser ARKIMIDEES, of Oxford, (and here allow me to stait, so as to +avoid newspaper contraryversy, as in the case of DISRALLY'S novel +Lothere, _I have no refference to_ T. GOLDWIN SMITH _whatsomever_, as I +believe ARKIMIDEES is now dead,) said he could raise the hul earth with +a top section of a rale fence, if he could only find something tangible +to rest his timber on. + +My friends, that man had never heerd of Wall Street, and I'de bet all +the money I can borrer on it. + +With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are +"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar +passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have +raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up +a greenhorn. + +And, sirs, I'me sorry to be obliged to speak plain, it would be a darned +site more to your credit if you'd try and raise the earth, instead of +daily usin' Wall Street as a base of operations to raise H----, +well--excuse me, the futer asilum for retired brokers. + +How do you manage, when you want to make a steak? + +You run up stocks and produce a crysis. + +Outsiders rush in lickety smash, and invest all the money they can rake +and scrape, in these inflated stocks. Suddenly you prick the bubble, +when, alas! besides the cry-sis, there's more cry-bubs in and about Wall +Street than there was in Egipt, when NAPOLEON BONAPART chopped off the +heads off all the first born. Instances have been known, where a good +many of you chaps have rammed your head in the Tiger's mouth once too +often. + +If my memry serves me correctly, FISKE and GOOLD made you perambulate +off on your eyebrows, last fall, and while the a-4-said Tigers walked +off with the seats of your trowserloons in their teeth, you all jined in +the follerin' him: + + Wall Street is all a fleetin' sho', + From which lame ducks are driven, + "Up in a balloon they allers go, + To Tophet, not to Heaven." + +Another little dodge of your'n, my misguided friends, is to keel off K. +VANDERBILT. + +What did you do t'other day? + +Why, when KERNELIUS was engaged in a friendly game of cards for _keeps_, +up at Saratogy, some poor deluded _money_-maniac telegrafs that the +Commodore had at last found his match, and had been gathered to his +fathers. While at the bottom of the dispatch was forged the name of my +friend, KISSLEBURGH, city editor of the _Troy Times_, who, up to the +present time, if this coot knows herself, hain't bin into the hiway +robbin' bizziness, not by a long shot. But, my friends and feller +citizens, old VAN is sharper that a two-edged gimlet. + +When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a +great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal +tender, which is in suckin' distance. + +For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones +thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but +as I cast my gaze over this audience, and observe among the Bulls and +Bears, a cuple of Dears, I will retract that, payin' in the follerin' +_Jew de spree_: + + Come rest on this buzzum, + Oh! butiful broker, + With your arms clinchin' tite, + This innercent choker. + + I'le stand it from thee, + If you'll never go near, + The Bulls and the Bears, + When HIRAM is here. + +(This impromtu poetikism, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, kicked up quite a little +breeze, in the midst of which the pretty brokers blushed and looked so +bewitchin' like, that it was enuff to make a feller throw stuns at K. +VANDERBILT if the pretty Dears only wanted him to.) + +I agin resoomed: + +My infatuated friends; afore I wind up, let me give you a few partin' +words of advice. + +Give up this 'ere gamblin' bizziness. When you run up gold it hits the +hul mercantile body of this nation a wipe in the stummuck. A good many +little cubs, as well as a few ole Bears, have been gobbled up by your +confounded efforts at runnin' up gold, while you grin and chuckle like +the laffin' hyena, when ransackin' Navy Yards and whisky distilleries. +But, if you insist on goin' ahead and earnin' your daily peck by +smashin' things and layin' out the onsofisticated, all I have got to say +is, that next time you've got a _sure thing_ to make a speck, by +telegrafin' me at Skeensboro, I won't mind comin' down and takin' a hand +in, if my pocketin' a few hundred thousands will be the means of +betterin' your morrils, by my sharin' your burden. In concloosion, +feller citizens, feelin' in rather a poetical mood to-day, I will close +with the follerin' tribute to Wall Street and its inhabitants: + + "Imperious SEIZER, dead, and turned to cla, + Mite stop a hole to keep the wind away;" + Onless from Wall Street, was blowin' raw. + The tempestous breezes, from a broker's flaw. + +Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall +Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down. + +Ewers, without a dowt, + +HIRAM GREEN, Esq., + +_Lait Gustise of the Peece._ + + * * * * * + +Stage By-play. + +A sporting paper gives the following item: + +"Two nines, composed of members of BOOTH'S, WALLACK'S and the Olympic +theatrical companies, played an interesting game of base-ball at the +Union base-ball grounds, last week." + +Imagine Sir HARCOURT COURTLEY batting splendidly to DIEDRICK VAN +BEEKMAN'S pitching; or picture Major DE BOOTS waiting patiently on the +short stop for a chance to put Captain ABSOLUTE out on his second base. +The experience of these gentlemen before the footlights may have made +them light-footed, but from mere force of habit they are all pretty sure +to be caught out in the "flies." + + * * * * * + +Professional. + +"They may talk about nines," said the Doctor, when base-ball was the +subject under discussion. "They may talk about their nines; but I know +of a nine that would lay them all out in double-quick time, and it is +called Strychnine." + + * * * * * + +A FECULENT NUISANCE. + +Persons passing along Nassau Street, between Ann and Beekman Streets, +for some days past, have had their olfactories unpleasantly assailed by +a vile stench. On investigation by officers of the Board of Health, the +foul odor was found to exhale from the premises of 113 Nassau Street. +Further examination disclosed the fact that the nuisance arose from a +quantity of Dead Rabbits deposited on the premises by one JAMES O'BRIEN, +for purposes best known to himself. It is said that the entire concern +is to be handed over to the New York Rendering Company, for conversion +into the kind of tallow used for the manufacture of the cheapest kind of +rush-lights. + + * * * * * + +The Greatest Joke of the Season. + +The idea of nominating JAMES O'BRIEN for the office of Mayor of the City +of New York. But it cannot be called a practical joke. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME +TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE +FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_] + + * * * * * + +PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT." + +MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have always taken a profound interest in Science. +When a child my fond parents observed in me a decided taste for +Entomology, the wings and legs of butterflies and grasshoppers being the +objects of my special investigation. As a school-boy I obtained (despite +the frequent closing of my visual organs) considerable Insight into +Physical Science in the course of numerous pugilistic encounters. A +close Application to Optics at that time enabled me to get some Light on +the Subject. + +I was quite a phenomenon in Astronomy. While yet an unweaned infant I +made numerous observations on the Milky Way, and when learning to walk +frequently saw stars undiscernable with the most powerful telescope. +Since my arrival at man's estate I have frequently experimented on the +Elasticity of the Precious Metals, but have generally found it extremely +difficult to make both ends meet. + +Considering, therefore, that I had as just a claim to be called +scientific, as many who pretend to be _Savants_, I determined to attend +the late Scientific Convention at Troy. My reception was most +gratifying. On presenting my credentials to the Convention, that learned +body welcomed me with open arms, and I was escorted to a place among the +members by its distinguished head. + +Some of the speculations of these eminent philosophers were exceedingly +profound, and it is really wonderful, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, to what an extent +theory may be carried in the advance of science. + +Mr. GOOSEFELT read a learned and original paper--carefully compiled from +various sources--on the Steam Engine, in the course of which he stated +that his great aunt, who had been blown up on the first steamboat that +ever went down in the Mississippi, during the great Earthquake of 1811, +was still living. Also, that his godfather, the celebrated Mr. +NICODEMUS, assisted (probably in the interests of science) in pulling +down the statue of GEORGE III in the Bowling Green. The importance of +these two facts cannot be over-estimated, as they will undoubtedly give +a tremendous impulse to the wheels of science. + +Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on +Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient +Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The +audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense +learning and research he displayed, for it observed a Stony silence, +only interrupted by an occasional snore. + +A brilliant paper on the Illuminating Power of Gas was read by Professor +M.T. HEAD. It was a most Luminous production, and proved conclusively +that an immense expenditure of gas sometimes throws very little Light on +any Subject. The Professor is thoroughly versed in Meters, and is the +author of the "Volume of Gas" which has attracted so much attention in +the scientific world. + +Professor SUETT addressed the Scientists on the Effect of Tallow upon +Ox(h)ides. From certain experiments made by him it appears that the +Oleaginous principle is incompatible with Water, and unfavorable to the +action of rust. + +A member was of the opinion that this important discovery might be +turned to great practical advantage, as the application of cart grease +to rusty iron axles might possibly facilitate the rotary motion of the +wheels. + +This novel and valuable suggestion was hailed with shouts of applause, +and the thanks of the Convention were immediately voted to the +distinguished member, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten. + +Professor HYDRAGE read an Essay on the Transit of Mercury, which he said +would take place in the form of a Bed Precipitate in 1878. It may +possibly take place before then, however, as the Faculty of Medicine are +said to be rapidly abandoning the use of calomel. + +The State Conchologist read an extremely interesting disquisition on the +Oyster, which was divided into sections and literally devoured by the +audience. He also exhibited some Specimens of Conchs, which were regular +Sneezers in point of size. + +An announcement which was made by the distinguished Astronomer, +Professor LOONEY, created a most profound sensation. + +He stated that with the aid of a powerful telescope he had discovered an +immense Fissure in the Moon. He was quite positive that he had also +observed a Man in the Gap. Although unable to distinguish the features +of this individual, he thought it might possibly be JAMES STEPHENS, the +missing Fenian Head Centre. + +When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had +subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows: + +"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound +gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent +addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of Science is +an object which is worthy the efforts of such distinguished _savants_ as +I see around me, and to this object they have brought that profundity of +learning which is only to be gathered from the perusal of elementary +text books, that almost strabismal acuteness of perception which enables +them to descry such great scientific truths as can be discovered through +an orifice in a barn door, and that wonderful power of discrimination +which enables them to distinguish between the seed of the leguminous +plant known as the bean, and the other vegetable productions of Nature, +when the bag is open. + +As an humble member of the Brotherhood of Science, I desire to +contribute, in however insignificant a degree, to the Great Cause of +Learning. I will therefore, with Your Permission, read" (loud cries of +'No! No!' 'Put him out!' etc., to which of course I paid no attention,) +"the following papers: 'An Inquiry as to Whether Diptheria has anything +to do with the Migration of the Swallow,' 'On the possibility of +straightening the curve of the African Shin Bone.' 'On Marine Plants and +Deep Sea Currents.' 'On the Laws of Mechanics, with observations on the +Mechanic's Lien Law and the By-Laws of Trades Unions.' 'Some Reflections +on Reflection.' 'The Connection between Mathematics and Versification, +as illustrated by LOGARHYTHMS.' 'Minute Experiments with the +Hour-Glass,' and 'Important Speculations on the Sea Changes.'" + +I proceeded to read the first of the above named papers, but before I +had got very far, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, I was interrupted by a peculiar +sound, which I at first took for subdued applause, but which, on +investigation, I found proceeded from the noses of the audience. In +short, Mr. P., both audience and Convention were in a profound slumber. +Considerably mortified, I withdrew in silence. I am determined, however, +that my theses shall not be lost to posterity. I intend to have them +published, and to send you a copy of each. + +Profoundly yours, + +CHINCAPIN. + + * * * * * + +Pearing Time. + +We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in +blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before +been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go +pairing with some Revolutionary bachelor? + + * * * * * + +INDEX + + A. + + About a Clock + Advice to Picnic Parties + Aerated Verbiage + Agricultural Column, Our + Albany Cock Robins + Allurements of the Period + All Aboard for Holland + All Hail + American Cutlery in France + Answers to Correspondents + Arrah, What Does He Mane, at All? + Astronomical Conversations + Associated Press Telegrams + Augean Job, An + + B. + + Ballad of Capt. Eyre, The + Bachelor's Moving Day, The + Bad "Odor" in the West + Ballad of the Good Litttle Boy aged ten + "Behold how Pleasant a Thing," &c. + Beautiful Snow + Bit of Natural History, A + Bird of Wisdom in Iowa, The + Bingham on Rome + Blocks and Blockheads + Book Notices + Boyhood + Bow-Wow! + Broadbrim to Aborigine + Business + By George + + C. + + Cause and Effect + Captain Hall, To + Cable News + Caution + Cats, On + Card of Thanks, A + Chat about Railroads, A + Chance for our Organ Grinders, A + Charge of the Ninth Brigade + Chinopathy + China Pattern, A + Chincapin at Long Branch + Chincapin among the Free Lovers + Church Militant + Cincinnatus Sweeny + Condensed Congress + Colonel Fisk's Soliloquy + Cons, by a Wrecker + Comic Zoology + Congressman to his Critics, A + Consistent League, A + Coup d'etat, My + Correspondence Bureau + Contemporary Sentiments + Conversion of the "_Sun_" + Cool, if not Comfortable + Colored Troopa Fought Nobly, The + Criticism of the Period + Critical Intelligence + Crispin _vs_. Coolie + Current Tables + CARTOONS--March 4, 1869--March 4, 1870 + Our Efficient Navy Department + The Descent of the great Massachusetts Frog upon the Newspaper Flies + The Great National Game + Financial Belief + The Sick Eagle + The Financial Inquisition + Editorial Washing Day in New York + The New Plea for Murder + International Yachting + The Wedding Ring as Sorosis would like to see it + The Blood Money + "What I Know About Farming" + The Wedding Ring again + Modern Matrimony + Yan-ki _vs_. Yankee + The New Pandora's Box + Lncifer's Little Game with his Royal Puppets + Death of the "Entente Cordial" + Wonderful Tour de Force + The Ovation of Murder + Law _versus_ Lawlessness + What Will He Do With It? + At the Saratoga Convention + Humpty Dumpty + + D. + + Depressions for Chicago + Delights of Dougherty, The + Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers + Distinguished Visitor, A + Dorgs, On + Dogs Tale, A + Down the Bay + Drainage under Difficulties + Dreadful State of Things out West, The + Dubious English + Dwarf Dejected, The + + E. + + Earthly Paradise + Editorial Washing Day + Elevated Statesmanship + England's Quandry + Episode of Jack Horner + Excellent Old Song Made New, An + Excelsior + + F. + + Fable + Ferocity of Failure, The + Female Gentleman, The + Fifteenth Amendment + Finances, On the + Fish Sauce + Fine Arts in Philadelphia + Fiscalities + Fish Culture + Fishery Question, The + Financial + Financial Article, Our + Four Seasons, The + Forty-four to Fourteen + Foreign Correspondence + Foam + Free Baths, The + From an Anxious Mother to her Daughter + Fun and Fin + + G. + + Gay Young Joker, A + George Francis the Ubiquitous + Glimpses of Fortune + Gossip in a School-house + Good for Something Better + Gravestones For Sale + Grant's Blackbird pie + Greeley's Aid to Literary Effort + Greeley on Bailey + Great Canal Enterprise, The + Great African Tea Company, The + Greek Meeting Greek + + H. + + Habits of Great Men + Hamlet from a Rural Point + Hall and Hayes + H. G. and Terpsichore + Hints for the Family + High and Low Church + Hints upon High Art + Hints to Car Conductors + Hints for Those Who Will Take Them + Hints for the Census + High Notes by our Musical Critic + Hiram Green at Saratoga + Hiram Green at the Tower of Babel + Hiram Green on the Chinese + Hiram Green Experience as an Editor + Hiram Green writes to Napoleon + Hiram Green on Jersey Musquitoes + Hiram Green at the Female Convention + Hiram Green on Base Ball + Hiram Green among the Fat men + Hiram Green to Napoleon + Hiram Green in Wall Street + How a Disciple of Fox Became a Lover of Bull + Horticultural Hints + Holy-Grail, and other Poems, The + Homodeification + Hyperborean + + I. + + Idiomatic Items + Important to Publishers + Indian, The + Interesting to Bone Boilers + Interior Illumination + Indian Question, The + Information Wanted + Inspiration vs. Perspiration + Items from our Rural Reporters + + J + + Joys of Summer, The + Jottings from Washington + Jumbles + Jupiter Bellicosus + + K + + Kellogg Testimonials, The + King Oakey, the First + King Craft Looking Up + + L + + Latest from Washington + Latest News Items + Latest about "Lo." + Letter from a Friend + Letter of Advice, A + Letter from a Japanese Student + Letter from a Croaker, A + Leaven of Leavenworth + Literary Vampire + Lines by a Hapless Swain + Long Shot, A + "Lot" on a Lot of Proverbs + Love in a Boarding-House + Lucus a non, etc + + M + + Mariner's Wrongs, The + Marriage Market in Rome, The + Maine Question in Massachusetts + Marine Mixture, A + Managers of Railroads, To + Medical Miss, A + Methodist Book Concern, Concerning the + Mercantile Library Association + Mind your P's and Q's + Miseries of a Handsome Man + Motley Melody, A + Municipal Competition + Murphy the Conqueror + Mythology, Of + Mystery of Mr. E. Drood. + Mythology, Further of + Mythology, More + + N + + National Taxidermy + Napoleon's Latest Manifesto + Natural Mistake, A + New Conglomerate Pavement + New England to New York + New Railway Project, A + New "Process", The + Ninety-nine in the Shade + Nothing like Leather + Notary's Protest, A + Nought for Nought + Now We Shall Have It + Notes from Chicago + Now's your Chance + Note from the Orchestra + + O + + Ode to the Missing Collector + Old Bailey Practitioner, An + Old Boy to the Young Ones, An + Old Saws Re-set + Old Iron + Olive Logan + Opinions of the Press + Orange Peel, Etcetera + Origin of the Mississippi + Orpheus C. Kerr, Sketch of + Organizing an Organ + Origin of Punchinello + O, that air! + Our Future + Out of the Streets + Our Literary Legate + Our Cuban Telegrams + Our Explosives + + P + + Patriotic Adoration + Pat to the Question + Parable About the 12th of July + Pardonable Solicitude + Perennius AEre + Periodical Literature + Philadelvings + Plays and Shows + Please the Pigs + Plea for Protection + Pluckily Patriotic, Still + Poems of the Cradle + Popularity, Our + Political Claptrap + Police Report, Our + Possible "Why" of it, The + Portfolio, Our + Prospectus + Pump, The + Punchinello's New Charter + Punchinello in Wall Street + Punchinello's Lyrics + Punchinello and the Aldermen + Punchinello on the Jury + Punchinello Is Sorry + Punchinello's Vacations + Punchinello as a "Savan" + + Q + + Query + + R + + Raising Cain + Rather Mixed + Rather Flashy Idea, A + Ramblings + Real Estate of Woman, The + Religious Amusements + Remonstrance, A + Religion of Temperance + Receipe to be Tested + Reform in Juvenile Literature + Rejuvenated France + Right and Left + Robins, The + Romaunt of the Oyster + Rose by any other Name, A + Roar from Niagara, A + Romance of a Rich Young Man + + S + + Sailing Directions, &c + Science Forever + Seasonable Parody, A + Several Unsavory Renderings + Ship Ahoy! + Sic Semper Epluribus, &c + Sorosian Impromptu, A + Song of the Returned Soldier + Song of the New Babel + Song of the Red Cloud + Song of the Chicago Lawyer + Song of the Mosquito + Society, &c + Spencerian Chaff + Spiritual Susceptibility of Cats + Spring Fever + Spirit of the Navy + Standard Literature + Stridor Pentium + Summer on the Catskills + Summer at Sandy Point + + T + + Taking a Senator's Measure + Take Care of the Wounded + Temperance Song + That Indian Talk + Thiers, Idle Thiers + Thirteenth Man in the Omnibus + Titans + "Tobacco Parliament" of Ohio, The + To Our Readers + Traveller's Tales + Treatment for Potato Bugs + Truly Noble + Tutti Tremando + Turkish Bath, My + + U + + Ulyss, To + Umbrella, The + Uncle Samuel + Universockdology + Urbs in Rure + + V + + V.H. to Punchinello + Visit to "Sheridan's Ride" + Voice from the Hub + Voice of the Turtle, The + Vultures Call, The + + W + + Wanted, a Sheriff + War, The + Wat Cum Snecst + Way to Become Great, The + Weather Prophecies for May + Western Nomenclature + What the Press is Expected to Say + What I Know About Free Trade + What I Know About Protection + What Is It + What Sigerson Says + What Shall We Call It? + Why is it so Dry? + Woman, Past and Present + Women's Rights Again + Woman in Wall Street + Woman in the Census + Woman's Right to Ballot and Bullet + Words and their Abases + Wrong Mouth + Wringer of the Future + + Y + + Y.M.C.A. + + * * * * * + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A. T. Stewart& Co. | + | | + | Have opened | + | | + | AN IMMENSE STOCK OF | + | | + | SILKS, | + | | + | For | + | | + | STREET AND EVENING DRESSES, | + | | + | At $2 per yard, | + | | + | Recently sold at $4 and $5. | + | | + | A LARGE LINE OF | + | | + | STRIPED SILKS, | + | | + | FRESH GOODS | + | | + | $1 to $1.50 per yard. | + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | BLACK SILKS, | + | | + | From $1.25 per yard upward. | + | | + | Plain and Plaid Poplins, | + | Satins de Chine, | + | Empress Cloths, | + | Royal Velvets, | + | Serges, etc. | + | | + | Customers, strangers, and the public are respectfully | + | requested to examine. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10th Streets. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | A.T. Stewart & Co. | + | | + | Have largely replenished all their | + | | + | Popular Stocks of | + | | + | DRESS GOODS, | + | | + | Etc., Etc. | + | | + | WITH GOODS WHICH | + | | + | For Quality, Style and Prices, | + | | + | CANNOT BE EXCELLED, | + | | + | and respectfully request purchasers | + | | + | To Examine the Same, | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4th Avenue, 9th and 10 Streets | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | EXTRAORDINARY BARGAINS | + | | + | IN | + | | + | CARPETS. | + | | + | 100 Pieces Five-Frame | + | | + | ENGLISH BRUSSELS, | + | | + | Reduced to $1.75 per yard. | + | | + | 200 Pieces do., Greater part Confined Styles, Reduced | + | to $2 per yard. | + | | + | Very Best Quality | + | | + | ENGLISH TAPESTRY BRUSSELS | + | | + | $1.30 per yard. | + | | + | FRENCH MOQUETTES | + | | + | AND | + | | + | AXMINSTERS | + | | + | $3.50 and $4 per yard. | + | | + | ROYAL WILTONS, | + | | + | Best Quality, $2.50 and $3 per yard. | + | | + | CROSSLEY'S VELVETS, | + | | + | Choice Designs, $2.50 per yard. | + | | + | Superfine Ingrains, 3-Plys. | + | | + | English and Domestic | + | | + | OILCLOTHS, RUGS, | + | | + | MATS, ETC., | + | | + | At extremely low prices | + | | + | A.T. STEWART & Co. | + | | + | BROADWAY, | + | | + | 4TH AVE., 9TH AND 10TH STREETS | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical | + | Weekly Paper was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The | + | Press and the Public in every State and Territory of the | + | Union endorse it as the best paper of the kind ever | + | published in America. | + | | + | CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL. | + | | + | Subscription for one year, (with $2.00 premium,) $4.00 | + | " " six months, (without premium,) 2.00 | + | " " three months, " " 1.00 | + | Single copies mailed free, for .10 | + | | + | We offer the following elegant premiums of L. PRANG & CO'S | + | CHROMOS for subscriptions as follows: | + | | + | A copy of paper for one year, and | + | | + | "The Awakening," (a Litter of Puppies.) 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Also similar Tickets at reduced | + | rates, through Lake Superior, enabling travelers to visit | + | the celebrated Iron Mountains and Copper Mines of that | + | region. By applying at the Offices of the Erie Railway Co., | + | Nos. 241, 529, and 957 Broadway; 205 Chambers St.; 33 | + | Greenwich St.; cor. 125th St. and Third Avenue, Harlem; 338 | + | Fulton St., Brooklyn; Depots foot of Chambers Street, and | + | foot of 23rd St., New York; No. 3 Exchange Place, and Long | + | Dock Depot, Jersey City, and the Agents at the principal | + | hotels, travelers can obtain just the Ticket they desire, as | + | well as all the necessary information. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," | + | "Chas. Dickens." | + | | + | PRANG'S CHROMOS sold in all Art Stores throughout the world. | + | | + | PRANG'S ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE sent free on receipt of stamp. | + | | + | L. PRANG & CO., Boston. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | PUNCHINELLO. | + | | + | With a large and varied experience in the management and | + | publication of a paper of the class herewith submitted, and | + | with the still more positive advantage of an Ample Capital | + | to justify the undertaking, the | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO. | + | | + | OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, | + | | + | Presents to the public for approval, the new | + | | + | ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS AND SATIRICAL | + | | + | WEEKLY PAPER, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | The first number of which was issued under date of April 2. | + | | + | ORIGINAL ARTICLES, | + | | + | Suitable for the paper, and Original Designs, or suggestive | + | ideas or sketches for illustrations, upon the topics of the | + | day, are always acceptable and will be paid for liberally. | + | Rejected communications cannot be returned, unless postage | + | stamps are included. | + | | + | TERMS: | + | | + | One copy, per year, in advance ...................... $4.00 | + | | + | Single copies ........................................ .10 | + | | + | A specimen copy will be mailed free upon the receipt of ten | + | cents. | + | | + | One copy, with the Riverside Magazine, or any other magazine | + | or paper, price, $2.50, for................... $5.50 | + | | + | One copy, with any magazine of paper, price $4, for $7.00 | + | | + | | + | All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING CO., | + | | + | No. 83 Nassau Street, | + | | + | P. O. Box, 2783, NEW YORK. | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + | | + | THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD. | + | | + | The New Burlesque Serial, | + | | + | Written expressly for PUNCHINELLO, | + | | + | BY | + | | + | OEPHEUS C. KERR, | + | | + | Commenced in No. 11, will be continued weekly throughout the | + | year. | + | | + | A sketch of the eminent author, written by his bosom friend, | + | with superb illustrations of | + | | + | 1ST. THE AUTHOR'S PALATIAL RESIDENCE AT BEGAD'S HILL, | + | TICKNOR'S FIELDS, NEW JERSEY | + | | + | 2D. THE AUTHOR AT THE DOOR OF SAID PALATIAL RESIDENCE, taken | + | as he appears "Every Saturday," will also be found in the | + | same number. | + | | + | Single Copies, for Sale by all newsmen, (or mailed from this | + | office, free,) Ten Cents. Subscription for One Year, one | + | copy, with $2 Chromo Premium, $4. | + | | + | Those desirous of receiving the paper containing this new | + | serial, which promises to be the best ever written by | + | ORPHEUS C. KERR, should subscribe now, to insure its regular | + | receipt weekly. | + | | + | We will send the first Ten Numbers of PUNCHINELLO to any one | + | who wishes to see them, in view of subscribing, on the | + | receipt of SIXTY CENTS. | + | | + | Address, | + | | + | PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, | + | | + | P. O. Box 2783. 83 Nassau St., New York | + | | + +--------------------------------------------------------------+ + + * * * * * + +GEO. W. 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