initial commit of ebook 12825HEADmain

51 files changed, 9016 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/12825-0.txt b/12825-0.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..731a240
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-0.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1400 @@
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+August 9, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.
+
+Sir,--I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according to
+your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If anything
+besides your instructions and the general appropriateness of the
+occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it would have
+been found in the fact that I formerly served my country in a Yeomanry
+Regiment. I shall never forget the glorious occasions on which I wore
+a cavalry uniform, and induced some of my best friends to believe
+I had gone to the dogs and enlisted. However, to relate my Yeomanry
+adventures, which included a charge by six of us upon a whole army,
+would be to stray from my point, which is to describe what I saw at
+the Military Exhibition. I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout, a mere
+strain) and took a friend, an amiable young man, with me to lean upon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"There's one place I really _do_ know," he had said to me, "and that's
+this bally place."
+
+I therefore felt I was safe with him. We arrived. We entered. "Take
+me," I said, "to the battle-pictures, so that I may study my country's
+glories."
+
+"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him immense
+credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open air with seats
+all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators. The performance
+in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot all about the
+pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments of our citizen
+soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The sight was one which
+appealed to our common humanity. My daring, dangerous Yeomanry days
+rose up again before me, and I felt that if ever I had had to bleed
+for my QUEEN I should not have bled untended. Even my companion,
+a scoffer, who had never risen above a full privacy in the Eton
+Volunteers, was strangely moved. There were, I think, ten detachments,
+each provided with a stretcher and a bag containing simple surgical
+appliances. All that was wanted to complete the realism of the picture
+was the boom of the cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of
+musketry. In imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your
+benefit, Sir, in the following short account.
+
+It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours; the
+casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said the
+Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you, JENKINS,
+tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear; BROWN, don't
+blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my soul, THOMPSON,
+you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and re-buckle it at once."
+With such words as these he cheered his men, while to right and left
+the death-dealing missiles sped, on their course. "Stand at ease;
+'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he next shouted. A Corporal at this
+point was cut in two by a ball from, a forty-pounder, but nobody
+paid any heed to him. Stiff, solid, and in perfect line, stood the
+detachments waiting for the word to succour the afflicted. At last it
+came. In the midst of breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed
+their folded stretchers on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them,
+and then with a simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their
+impassive attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good.
+THOMPSON you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful.
+Stand at ease!" and at ease they all stood.
+
+But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless
+heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.
+
+One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about ten
+yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be wounded,
+and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible question arose.
+_Would there be enough to go round?_ I had only counted nine of them,
+which was one short of the necessary complement, but at this supreme
+moment another grievously wounded warrior ran lightly up and lay down
+opposite the tenth detachment. We breathed again.
+
+And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment walked round
+its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at attention, then
+dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself down. All this
+while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and appealing for help
+in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I was, I could be
+restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last everything was in
+order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The detachments marched slowly
+forward, and deposited their stretchers each beside a wounded man.
+Then began a scene of busy bandaging. But not until the whole ten had
+been bound up, legs, arms, heads, feet, fingers &c, was it permissible
+to lift one of them from the cold cold ground which he had bedewed
+with his blood.
+
+"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together. Lift!"
+and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers. More
+play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and then the
+pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in a mournful
+procession round the ground. But when they arrived at the place
+where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all been dead,
+three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant, "how vexing.
+ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all together. Drop 'em!"
+And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun sated with, &c., &c., &c.
+
+I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax figures
+in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the stages
+of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS, I thought
+to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed me that he had
+remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and thither therefore
+we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if either of us ever
+happened to be struck down in battle he would be well looked after by
+an admirably drilled body of men.
+
+I am, Sir,
+Yours as usual,
+LE PETIT SHOWS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the more or
+less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you know
+that I am again visiting friends, though this time on _terra firma_,
+and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest" are once
+more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered that a
+man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for years was to be my
+neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really I cannot understand
+_any one_ asking to their house) with the strangest coloured hair, and
+the most unnaturally dark eyes, was taken in by the host, and called
+"darling" by the hostess. After dinner, which, by reason of the
+"range" being out of order, was of a rather limited type, they all
+played cards. That is a form of amusement I don't like--I can't afford
+it; and this, coupled with the fact that I was not asked to sing,
+somewhat damped my ardour as regards visiting strange houses.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
+when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
+slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors on
+an upper floor were heavily banged. I heard the servants chattering as
+they went down to breakfast. Then there was silence, and once more I
+composed myself to rest, when the dreadest sound of all broke on my
+ear. _The baby began to cry._ Then I gave it up as hopeless, but it
+was with a sensation of being more dead than alive that I crawled down
+to breakfast--late, of course. One is always late the first morning in
+a strange house--one can never find one's things. I bore with my best
+professional smile the hearty chaff of my host (how I hate a hearty
+man the first thing in the morning) and the audible remarks of the
+dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
+my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
+carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
+mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several ensuing
+ones.
+
+I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that she,
+too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a high
+dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the tortures,
+both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads and over
+clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile off;"
+or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and utterly
+uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity and
+patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting; I even
+interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the subject of
+a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those strange
+aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement one
+afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten miles to
+attend a Primrose League _Fête_ in the private grounds of a local
+magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to hear that
+on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling me
+to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned that by my
+sudden departure I should miss the _fête_. I knew, however, that
+the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the objectionable man
+metaphorically threw up her hat.
+
+As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I almost
+vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even as I write,
+an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She writes that she
+has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I will go and stay
+with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air will do me good.
+Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept.
+
+THE ODD GIRL OUT.
+
+FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A.
+
+_Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope)._
+
+DEAR EDITOR,
+
+You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you understand,
+but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends, Mr and Mrs.
+SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position--which is far
+from a secure one,--but no matter), you said to me, YORICK Yotting
+has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was once the life of all
+the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that party now? Where am _I_?
+What is my life on board? Life!--say existence. I rise early; I can't
+help it. I am tubbed on deck: deck'd out in my best towels. So I
+commence the day by going to Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope
+so. I mean it as such.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the land of
+_Hamlet_. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take a humorous
+view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous views." Well, Sir, I
+sent you "_Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight Sun_." pretty humorous I
+think ("more pretty than humorous," you cabled to me at Bergen), and
+since that I have sent you several beautiful works of Art, in return
+for which I received another telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send
+something funny." The last I sent ("_The Church-going Bell_," a
+pretty peasant woman in a boat--"_belle_," you see) struck me as very
+humorous. The idea of people going to Church in a boat!
+
+What was I to do? Well--here at last I send you something which _must_
+be humorous. It looks like it. _Mr. Punch_ driving in Norway, in a
+_cariole. Mr. Punch_ anywhere is humorous; and with TOBY too; though I
+am perfectly aware that TOBY, M.P., is in his place in the House;
+but then TOBY is ubarquitous. That's funny, isn't it?--see "bark"
+substituted for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is
+the sort of "_vürdtwistren_" at which they roar in Sweden.
+
+It's all _très bien_ (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny in
+the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea, sometimes
+up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming over me in the
+middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK!
+
+Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted between
+meals: to which regulation. _I am gradually becoming habituated._ It
+is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult in mid-ocean,
+where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?] I now understand
+what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing the Atlantic."
+There's an awful Depression hanging about the Baltic.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and
+Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking
+Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd rather
+go Elsewhere-inore,--say, Margate.
+
+Think I shall put this in a bottle, cork it up, and send it overboard,
+and you'll get it by Tidal Post. Whether I do this or not depends on
+circumstances over which I may possibly have no control. Anyhow, at
+dinner-time, _I shall ask for the bottle._ When you ask for it, see
+that you get it.
+
+Yours truly,
+JETSAM
+
+_(or Yotting Artist in Black and White). 10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in
+English miles. Longitude 4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount
+of._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EXCELLENT RULE.--We are informed that "extreme ugliness" and "male
+hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications" for the French
+Army. If the same rule only applied to the English House of Commons,
+what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be spared!
+
+[Illustration: A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS.
+
+_The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DYING SWAN.
+
+_(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)_
+
+    "THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'--The QUEEN'S swanherd and the officials
+    of the Dyers' and Vintners' Companies arrived at Windsor
+    yesterday on their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose
+    of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets belonging to HER
+    MAJESTY, and the Companies interested in the preservation of
+    the birds that haunt the stream between London and Henley. It
+    is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing owing
+    to the traffic on the upper reaches of the river, and other
+    causes detrimental to their breeding."--_The Times_.
+
+  I.
+
+  July was wet,--a thing not rare--
+  With sodden ground and chilly air;
+  The sky presented everywhere
+  A low-pitched roof of doleful grey;
+  With a rain-flusht flood the river ran;
+  Adown it floated a dying Swan,
+  And loudly did lament.
+  It was the middle of the day,
+  The "Swanherd" and his men went on,
+  "Nicking" the cygnets as they went.
+
+  II.
+
+  The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose,
+  And white against the cold white sky
+  Shone many a face of those
+  Who o'er the upper reaches swept,
+  On swans and cygnets keeping an eye.
+  Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow
+  Chasing the birds of the jetty bill
+  Through the reed clusters green and still;
+  And through the osier mazes crept
+  Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow.
+
+  III.
+
+  The lone Swan's _requiem_ smote the soul
+  With the reverse of joy.
+  It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer,
+  Dyeing the floods once full and clear;
+  Of launches wildly galumphing by,
+  Washing the banks into hollow and hole;
+  Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near.
+  All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice,
+  With music strange and manifold,
+  Howling out choruses loud and bold
+  As when Bank-holidayites rejoice
+  With concertinas, and the many-holed
+  Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled
+  Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are;
+  And greasy scraps of the _Echo_ or _Star_,
+  Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds,
+  Emitting odours reekingly rank,
+  Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds,
+  And broken bottles invade the reeds,
+  And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug
+  Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank.
+  And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng
+  That sail the upper Thames reaches among,
+  Was prophesied in that plaintive song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOING IT CHEAPLY.
+
+A re-action against the extravagance which marked the entertainments
+of the London Season of 1890 having set in, the following rules and
+regulations will be observed in the Metropolis until further notice.
+
+1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be expected to furnish their
+own plate and linen, and some of the viands and wines to be used at
+the feast.
+
+2. To carry out the above, a _menu_ of the proposed meal will form a
+part of every card of invitation, which will run as follows:--"Mr. and
+Mrs. ---- request the honour of Mr. and Mrs. ----'s company to dinner,
+on ---- when they will kindly bring with them enough for twelve
+persons of the dish marked ---- on the accompanying _Menu_, P.T.O."
+
+3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the supper as a pic-nic, to
+which all the guests are expected to contribute.
+
+4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest will slip into her hand a
+packet containing a sum of money sufficient to defray his or her share
+of the evening's expenses.
+
+5. Ladies making calls at or about five o'clock, will bring with
+them tea, sugar, milk, pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread and
+butter.
+
+6. As no bands will be furnished at evening parties, guests who can
+play will be expected to bring their musical instruments with them.
+N.B. This does not apply to pianofortes on the premises, for which a
+small sum will be charged to those who use them.
+
+7. Should a _cotillon_ be danced, guests will provide their own
+presents, which will become the perquisites of the host and hostess.
+
+8, _and lastly_. Should the above rules, compiled in the interest
+of leaders of Society, be insufficient to keep party-givers from
+appearing in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who have partaken of any
+hospitality will be expected to contribute a gratuity, to enable the
+Official Receiver to declare a small and final dividend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERQUISITES.--"Nice thing to belong to National Liberal Club,"
+observed Mr. G., who didn't dine at that establishment for nothing,
+"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!"
+
+_(Latest Reading.)_
+
+  _Noblesse oblige!_ And what's the obligation,
+  Read in the light of recent demonstration?
+  A member of "our old Nobility"
+  May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy,
+  Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall
+  "Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall;
+  Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name
+  By building hope on sin, and joy on shame;
+  Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness
+  By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness;
+  Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS"
+  By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards!
+  _Noblesse oblige?_ Better crass imbecility
+  Of callow youth--_with_ pluck--than such "nobility"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME-ING.--Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully simple plan of getting a little
+boy to sign an affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at Dr.
+BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that, wherever he might wander, there
+was really no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, may remind
+Dickensian students of a somewhat analogous method apparently adopted
+by _Mr. Squeers_ when, on his welcome return to Dotheboys Hall, he
+publicly announced that "he had seen the parents of some boys, and
+they're so glad to hear how their sons are getting on, that there's
+no prospect at all of their going away, which, of course, is a very
+pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties." The conduct of such
+parents or relatives who send children or permit them to be sent to
+Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where, at all events, they are well
+fed and cared for, bears some resemblance to that of _Graymarsh's_
+maternal aunt, who was "short of money, but sends a tract instead, and
+hopes that _Graymarsh_ will put his trust in Providence," and also
+to that of _Mobb's_ "mother-in-law," who was so disgusted with
+her stepson's conduct (for DICKENS meant step-mother when he wrote
+"mother-in-law"--an odd _lapsus calami_ never subsequently corrected)
+that she "stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money, and had given a
+double-bladed knife with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries, which
+she had bought on purpose for him." We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO--much;
+but we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and guardians, who
+apparently don't know their own minds. In the recent case which was
+sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B. found that he could buy
+GOULD too dear.
+
+SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION!
+
+_(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)_
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent at Breakfast.]
+
+_Samol Plazo_, 8 A.M.--My _plat_ of _egsibaconi_ has just been knocked
+out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man (who
+is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution
+must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything is down,
+something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now going to
+Government House. If I don't get this through, make complaint at the
+Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine.
+
+9 A.M.--Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here. Came
+by a _bussi_, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much used by
+the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the roof of the
+_bussi_ were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside this caused
+me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my destination with the
+remainder. Just seen the President, who says laughingly, that "there
+has been practically nothing but perfect peace and quiet." I doubt
+whether this can be quite the case, as he was sitting in front of
+Government House, which was at that very moment undergoing a vigorous
+bombardment. When I pointed this out to him, he confessed that he had
+noticed it himself, but did not think much of it. He was in excellent
+spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow escape of his
+mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side are progressing.
+If the Post Office people tell you they can't send my telegrams to
+you, refuse to believe them.
+
+[Illustration: Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.]
+
+10 A.M.--As I suspected, from the first, there _has_ been a
+disturbance. I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise
+understand why my _cabbi_ should have been blown into the air, while
+passing through a mined street on the road here. I am now at the
+Head Quarters of the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They
+appear to be very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and
+account for the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would
+naturally blaze away at the biggest target--Government House. So far,
+the disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10
+A.M., but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has
+just been carried away by a new kind of land torpedo.
+
+12, NOON.--I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters. As I
+could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag with
+gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing
+the battery which now masks the remains of what was once
+Government House. The President, after having organised a band of
+_pic-pockettini_ (desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into
+the provinces, declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this
+declaration is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring
+of levity. The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms,
+under the personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who
+deprecates waste in ammunition, and declares that he is bound to the
+President by the tie of the battle-field.
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.]
+
+2 P.M.--Have rejoined the Oniononi, coming hither by ricochet on a
+spent shell. The people are entirely with them, and cheer at every
+fresh evidence of destruction. Found a well-known shopkeeper in
+ecstasies over the ruins of his establishment. He said that, "Although
+the revolution might be bad for trade, it would do good, as things
+wanted waking up." A slaughter of police and railway officials, which
+has just been carried out with infinite spirit, seems to be immensely
+popular. If you don't get this, make immediate complaint. Don't
+accept, as an excuse, that the wires have been cut, and the office
+razed to the ground. They can get it through, if they like.
+
+4 P.M.--Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and buried.
+As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish it under
+reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true, although
+I have my doubts upon the subject.
+
+6 P.M.--It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and
+funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the truth
+of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph
+Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation
+between the contending parties.
+
+8 P.M.--The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted their
+ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending parties
+are now dining together, _al fresco_, as the town is in ruins. Nothing
+more to add save, All's well that ends well!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+WORKMEN'S.
+
+_"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,_ "Have you got
+that half-crown handy?"
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+_"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,_ "It _was_,
+ten minutes ago."
+
+_"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,_ "Kindly give me your close
+attention for twenty-five minutes."
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+_"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;" i.e.,_
+"Awkward toad!"
+
+_"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,_ "That I may avoid
+that dress-maker."
+
+THEATRICAL.
+
+_"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,_ "A cruel
+bad actor--but can't say so."
+
+_"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,_
+"Never saw a worse play--but it may catch on."
+
+_"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud calls;"
+i.e.,_ "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BRAVO, TORO!"--M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in Paris,
+even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite right! But
+if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt--the sort of
+"Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE--he would do good
+service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor fellah, and to
+civilisation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.--The exterior of the recently-opened Hôtel
+Métropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A.,
+is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar
+hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out
+letters patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr.
+SEA-WATERHOUSE, R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels
+Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a
+juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon
+Boys' Hotel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright, _The
+Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux_, that appeared in a Christmas Number of the
+_Illustrated London News_ some years ago? If no one else does, I do,
+says the Baron; and that sensational story was a sensational sell,
+wherein the agony was piled up to the "n'th," and just as the secret
+was about to be disclosed, the only person who knew it, and was on
+the point of revealing it, died. This is the sort of thing that Mr.
+RUDYARD KIPLING has just done in this month's _Lippincott's Magazine_.
+It is told in a plain, rough and ready, blunt style, but so blunt that
+there's no point in it. And the idea,--that is if the idea be that the
+likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's eye,
+and can be reproduced by photography,--is not a novelty. Perhaps
+this story in _Lippincott_ comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING'S
+pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because Editorial
+_Lippincott_ wanted something with the name of the KIPLING, "bright
+and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't
+"merry."
+
+_Black's Guide to Kent_ for 1890, useful in many respects, but not
+quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about the
+splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it speaks of
+Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate as if
+that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an
+old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of
+superior London tradesmen"--"which," says the Baron, "is, to my
+certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of
+the "humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the
+cheap-trippers' season, as if this could possibly be the best time for
+Ramsgate. The _Guide_ knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of
+the Winter attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the
+delightful climate from mid-September to January; of the southern
+aspect; of the pure air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal,
+Sandwich, Ickham, and so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention
+of the Granville Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for
+fishers and shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and
+in the early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and
+make it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who
+love life, and would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron,
+puffing off his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain
+youthful critic, who, in his presence at supper, had been running
+down _Macbeth_, finding fault with the Lyceum production of it,
+and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE for having written it. When he had quite
+finished HENRY IRVING, 'laying low' in his chair at the table,
+adjusted his pince-nez, and, looking straight at the clever young
+gentleman, asked, in the mildest possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you
+ever _read Macbeth?_' So," resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask
+Mr. BLACK'S young man, 'Do you _know_ Ramsgate?' And of course I mean
+the Ramsgate of 1890."
+
+From the specimens of _London City_ that have been sent for inspection
+by Messrs. FIELD & TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing it
+out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially. It
+is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get
+it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become
+subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J.
+LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest
+principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a talented
+draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the games in the City.
+In consequence of some piratical publisher having attempted to bring
+out a work under the same title, intended to deceive even the elect,
+Messrs. FIELD & TUER have secured the copyright of the title _London
+City_, by the ingenious device of publishing, for one farthing each,
+five hundred copies of a miniature pamphlet bearing this title, and
+containing the explanation. The value of these eccentric farthing
+pamphlets may one day be thousands of pounds. _Mem_.--Twopence would
+be well invested in purchasing four of them.
+
+_Salads and Sandwiches_ is an attractive title, specially at this
+season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little
+mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination known
+as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the grocer's,
+recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making, then he
+closes the book, and reads no more that day. This author, who is in
+his salad days, might bring out a book entitled _How to Suck Eggs; or,
+Letters to my Grandmother_. It is a suggestion worth considering, says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES.
+
+  O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest,
+  Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves;
+  For whom do you put on that dainty vest,
+  That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves.
+
+  "_Simplex munditiis_," as HORACE wrote,
+  And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash;
+  To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat,
+  And smile as kindly on another "mash."
+
+  As for myself--I'm old, and look askance
+  At flannels and flirtation; not for me
+  Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance
+  From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)_
+
+I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot move me
+by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude; praise cannot
+unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this last week would
+have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and shrinking diffidence
+which (I say it without egotism) marks me off from the poisonous,
+pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained reptiles who
+disgrace the profession to which I belong. All I wish now to do is
+to point out that _I am the only prophet_ who indicated, without any
+beating about the bush, that _Marvel_ would win the Stewards' Cup
+at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the fact, and my private
+residence has been choked by an avalanche of congratulatory
+despatches, including two or three from some of the highest in the
+land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF says:--"You have me with
+your writings much refreshed. I have the whole revenues of the Grand
+Duchy against one thousand _flaschen_ of lager bier gebetted, and I
+have won him on your noble advice on _Marvel_. I make you Commander of
+the Honigthau Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators
+are not to one country confined--I mean, confined to one country.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup horses? By
+the well-known grammatical figure known as the _hysteroproteron,_
+I mentioned _Marvel_ last, intending, of course, as even a
+buffalo-headed Bedlamite might have seen, that he should be first. And
+he was first. But to make assurance doubly sure, and to bring prophecy
+down to the intellectual level of a bat, I added, in speaking of the
+winner, that he "would certainly be a _Marvel_." I say no more. As the
+great Cardinal once observed to his chief of police, "_Je te verrai
+soufflé d'abord,"_ so I reply to those who wish me to reveal the
+secret of my success. Mr. J. knows it not, and no single member of
+the imbecile, anserous, asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous,
+hugger-mugger purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the
+least conception of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach,
+though I have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who
+desire to _know_, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making."
+Every applicant must send his photograph with his application, not
+necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUR LE TAPIS."--It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an eminent
+firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G. didn't want
+D'OYLY CARPET--no, beg pardon, should have written D'OYLY CARTE to
+have _carte blanche_. [Pretty name this. Is there a BLANCHE CARTE? If
+not, "make it so."]--to do whatever he liked whenever he liked with
+the decorating and upholstering of the theatre. And recently another
+carpet, not in connection with the above firm, created a difficulty.
+What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who likes this sort of
+thing? Nothing. Yet as _amici curiae_, we would have thought that that
+Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept out of Court. Wasn't that a
+Blunder, MAPLE?
+
+[Illustration: THE LOVE LETTER.--A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM NILE TO NEVA.
+
+    ["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve
+    with rigour. And they made their lives bitter with hard
+    bondage."--_Exodus._
+
+    "The Russian Government, by the new edicts legalises
+    persecution, and openly declares war against the Jews of the
+    Empire."--_Times._]
+
+  "BEWARE!" 'Tis a voice from the shades,
+  from the dark of three thousand long years,
+  But it falls like the red blade of RA, and
+  should echo in Tyranny's ears
+  With the terror of overhead thunder; from
+  Nile to the Neva it thrills,
+  And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of
+  the doom of imperious wills.
+  When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone
+  by Orontes, at bay,
+  By the chariots compassed about of the foe
+  who were fierce for the fray,
+  He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES,
+  conquering king;
+  But were there such voice by the Neva to-day,
+  of what now should he sing?
+  Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression
+  belated and vain?
+  Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand
+  from the scourge and the chain;
+  For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and
+  the laureates of tyranny mute,
+  And the whistle of falchion and flail are not
+  set to the chords of the lute.
+  True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of
+  the Pyramid-builders, bows still,
+  For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the
+  Muscovite's merciless will;
+  But four millions of Israel's children are not
+  to be crushed in the path
+  Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great
+  RAMESES flamed in his wrath
+  Alone through their numberless hosts. No,
+  the days of the Titans of Wrong
+  Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the
+  voice of the peoples is strong.
+  Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in
+  pity that rings down the years
+  Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his
+  terrible toil and his tears;
+  Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and,
+  worse, the tax-gathering horde
+  Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid
+  of the stick and the cord;
+  And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the
+  text of the old Coptic Muse,
+  And--one hears the mad rush of the wheels
+  that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues!
+
+  O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with
+  your heel on the Israelite's neck,
+  And your hand on that baleful old blade,
+  Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck
+  The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware!
+  Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom
+  Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river
+  that is but a tomb,
+  Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong.
+  AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts,
+  He the prince of the Coptic police who so
+  harried the Israelite hosts
+  When their lives with hard-bondage were
+  bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try.
+  Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation.
+  Beware, Sire! Put by
+  That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The
+  PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found
+  That it wounds him who wields it; and you,
+  though your victim there, prone on the ground,
+  Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find
+  Persecution a bane
+  Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to
+  o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train.
+  "Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA
+  that whispers the warning from far.
+  Concerning _that_ sword there's a lesson the
+  PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR!
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."--Among the numerous rewards mentioned in the
+_Times_ of last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch, with monogram
+in diamonds, presented by the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally successful
+season, was not mentioned. Most appropriate present from the persons
+up to tune to one who is always up to time. The umble individual who
+writes this paragraph only wishes some company--Italian, French, no
+matter which--would present _him_ with a golden and diamonded watch.
+"O my prophetic soul! My Uncle!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF IT.
+
+  GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite
+  Is bestowed on "free publicity."
+  'Tis the thing that we all strive at,
+  Praise in speech, and hate--in private!
+  Where are pride, reserve, simplicity?
+  Fled for ever--from Publicity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE LIGHT!"--The Berners Hotel Co., with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA
+as Chairman, should at once be advertised as "The G.A.S.-Berners Hotel
+Co.," and, of course, no electric lighting would be used. Mr. SIMS
+REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel Company. So it starts with a
+tenner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD SUMMER. _One Iron Soldier,
+and the Led Captain._
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA.
+
+SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT
+WIELDS IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+No. XII.--CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER.
+
+_(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")_
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+_Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age
+immaterial)._
+
+SCENE--_An Apartment in the house of_ CONRAD'S _Mother, window in
+centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the
+room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street lamps._
+CONRAD _discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain._
+
+_Conrad (watching street)._ Still there! For full an hour he has not
+budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight falls
+upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh, while
+from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister malignant
+eyes--on whom? _(Shuddering.)_ I dare not trust myself to guess! And
+yet--ah, no--it cannot be myself! I am so young--one is still young at
+six!--What man can say that I have injured him? Since, in my Mother's
+absence all the day engaged upon Municipal affairs, I peacefully
+beguile the weary hours by suction of consolatory thumbs. _(Here he
+inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with
+a start.)_ Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more--but draw the
+blind and shut my terror out. _(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage
+lightens.)_ Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home! _(Listening.)_ At
+last. I hear her latchkey in the door!
+
+_Enter_ CONRAD'S Mother, _a lady of strong-minded appearance,
+rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents._
+
+_Conrad's M._ Would, CONRAD, that you were of riper years, so you
+might share your Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her long and
+arduous toil as one of London's County Councillors!
+
+_Conrad._ Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature, one topic still
+can charm my infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated tale. I
+love to hear of that august Assembly _(his Mother lifts her bonnet
+solemnly)_ in which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!
+
+_C's. M. (gratified)._ Learn, CONRAD, then, that, after many months
+of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?) the measure by my
+foresight introduced has triumphed by a bare majority!
+
+_Con._ My bosom thrills with dutiful delight--although I yet for
+information wait as to the scope and purpose of the statute.
+
+_C's. M._ You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it
+should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and you
+shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I advocate the
+sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my efforts every infant's
+toys are carefully inspected once a month--?
+
+_Con. (wearily)._ Nay, Mother, you forget--I _have_ no toys.
+
+_C's. M._ Which brings you under the exemption clause. But--to resume;
+how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed by our Censor,
+and any deviation from the text forbidden under heavy penalties? All
+that you know. Well; with concern of late, I have remarked among our
+infancy the rapid increase of a baneful habit on which I scarce
+can bring my tongue to dwell. _(The Stage darker; blind at back
+illuminated.)_ Oh, CONRAD, there are children--think of it!--so lost
+to every sense of decency that, in mere wantonness or brainless
+sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden thumbs! (CONRAD _starts
+with irrepressible emotion.)_ Forgive me if I shock your innocence!
+_(Sadly.)_ Such things exist--but soon shall cease to be, thanks to
+the measure we have passed to-day!
+
+_Con. (with growing uneasiness)._ But how can statutes check such
+practices?
+
+_C's M. (patting his head)._ Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come
+to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory restraint in
+woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. _I_ saw the evil
+had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted remedies. No; we
+must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill
+appoints a new official, by the style and title of "London County
+Council Scissorman," for the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."
+
+_[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears
+appears upon the blind.]_
+
+_Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap)._ Ah, Mother, see!... the
+scissors!... On the blind!
+
+_C's. M._ Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The shadow of
+his grim insignia should have no terror--save for thumb-suckers.
+
+_Con._ And what for _them_?
+
+_C's. M. (complacently)._ A doom devised by me--the confiscation of
+the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects, for
+those who have no thumbs can err no more.
+
+_[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind_, CONRAD _appearing relieved
+at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet._
+
+_C's M._ Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?
+
+_A Voice._ Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!
+
+_C's M._ 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless calls
+to thank me for the post.
+
+_Con. (with a gloomy determination)._ More like his business, Madam,
+is with--Me!
+
+_C's. M. (suddenly enlightened)._ A Suck-a-thumb?... _you_, CONRAD?
+
+_C. (desperately)._ Ay,--from birth!
+
+_[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking
+is renewed._
+
+_C's. M._ Oh, this is horrible--it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt
+and barricade the door.
+
+[CONRAD _places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone
+of incisive irony._
+
+_Con._ Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus that
+you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own devising.
+Come, your official's waiting--let him in! (C's. M. _shrinks back
+appalled._) So? you refuse!--(_throwing open door_)--then--enter,
+Scissorman!
+
+_[Enter the_ Scissorman, _masked and in red tights, with his hand upon
+the hilt of his shears._
+
+_The S. (in a passionless tone)._ Though sorry to create
+unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman, which my
+own eyes have marked between his lips.
+
+_C's. M. (frantically)._ Thou minion of a meddling tyranny, go
+exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!
+
+_The S. (civilly)._ I've duties here that must be first performed.
+
+_C's. M. (wildly)._ Take my thumbs for his!
+
+_The S._ 'Tis not the law--which is a model of lucidity.
+
+_Con. (calmly)._ Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited, and
+they alone must pay the penalty.
+
+_The S. (with approval)._ Right! Step with me into the outer hall, and
+have the business done without delay.
+
+_C's. M. (throwing herself between them)._ Stay! I'm a
+Councillor--this law was _mine!_ Hereby I do suspend the clause I
+drew.
+
+_The S._ You should have drawn it milder.
+
+_Con._ Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed? [_To_ Sc.]
+Lead on, Sir. _(To his_ Mother _with cold courtesy.)_ Madam,--may I
+trouble you?
+
+_[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the_ S.; _the door
+is shut and fastened from without._ C's. M. _rushes to door which she
+attempts to force without success._
+
+_C's. M._ In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole
+train my tortured ear. _(Listening.)_ Dead silence!... is it over--or,
+to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?... Again! and
+followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!...
+
+_[The door is opened and_ CONRAD _appears, pale but erect,--N.B. The
+whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca"--which,
+however, it exceeds in horror and intensity._
+
+_C's. M._ They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD!
+What?--repulse a Mother's Arms!
+
+_Con. (with chilling composure)._ Yes, Madam, for between us ever
+more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach
+those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back--the
+thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced me
+in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and your
+endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the harm in
+sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw, his paws
+sustain the hibernating bear--and you decree no law to punish
+_them_! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed this most
+ridiculous enactment--its earliest victim your neglected son!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_C's. M. (falling at his feet)._ Say, CONRAD, you will some day pardon
+me?
+
+_Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)_ I will,--the day
+these pollards send forth shoots!
+
+_[His_ Mother _turns aside with a heartbroken wail_; CONRAD _standing
+apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends._
+
+[Illustration: "RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM".
+
+_Colonel North and Lord Dunraven._ "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH.
+WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."]
+
+"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM."
+
+
+  GRANDOLPH _muses_:--"My Kingdom for a horse!"
+  Ah, well!
+  The question is,--which _is_ my Kingdom?
+  I'm bound to own there _is_ a spell
+  In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom,
+  The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew,
+  As DIZZY tells, _I_ feel it too.
+
+  He won brief leadership, who might
+  Have won the Derby! Which was better?
+  There's rapture in a racer's flight,
+  There's rust on the official fetter.
+  Of me the Press tells taradiddles!
+  Well, I do set the fools strange riddles!
+
+  "Fourth Party!" He was no bad start
+  For a new stable, but he's done with.
+  "Tory Democracy!" No heart!
+  But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with.
+  "Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!"
+  My Stable has not lacked variety.
+
+  What does NORTH say? A ragged lot?
+  Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN?
+  Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot.
+  Audacious now, and now half craven.
+  Well, freak's an unexhausted fount.
+  Mentor, can _you_ guess my next mount?
+
+[Illustration: A CAREFUL MAN.
+
+_Host._ "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS GETTING INTO
+YOUR _HEAD_, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Guest._ "No! IT'S NOT MY _HEAD_ I'M AFRAID OF WITH _YOUR_
+CHAMPAGNE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PITHY JAYNE.
+
+    [DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at a Conference of the Girl's
+    Friendly Society, at Chester, said that until they were
+    prepared to introduce basket-making into London Society as a
+    substitute for quadrilles and waltzes, he was not disposed to
+    accept it as an equivalent for balls and dances among girls of
+    other classes.]
+
+AIR.--"_My Pretty Jane_."
+
+  My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  _Punch_ fancies you looked sly
+  When you met them, met them down at Chester,
+  And gave them "one in the eye."
+  Bigotry's waning fast, my boy,
+  But Cant we sometimes hear,
+  And Chester cant is pestilent cant,
+  My Lord, that's pretty clear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Of smiting don't be shy;
+  But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans
+  And tell them it's all my eye.
+
+  'Tis only play, and harmless play,
+  Like kissing in the ring,
+  When lads and lasses of spirits gay
+  Dance like young lambs in Spring.
+  That Spring will wane too fast, alas!
+  But while it yet is here,
+  Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy,
+  The dance to youth so dear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Don't heed the bigot's cry,
+  But meet them, meet them down at Chester
+  And teach them Charity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Turning over fresh Leaves.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 28._--STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL are
+amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House of Lords.
+RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run them pretty close, but come in only
+a good second. Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA rarely go
+beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery
+reserved for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like Babes in the
+Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM, turning over leaves of Orders as if he
+would like to complete the simile by acting the part of the birds.
+To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL leave us forlorn. They have business
+in their own House; been long concerned for interests of State as
+affected by the MARKISS'S persistence in combining office of Premier
+with that of Foreign Secretary.
+
+"It would be too much even for us," said STRATHEDEN, in conversation
+we had before House met; "and," he continued, "though I say it what
+shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement that would be happier or more
+complete than if we undertook the job. What do you say, CAMPBELL?
+Would you be Premier, or would you take the Foreign Seals?"
+
+"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL, gallantly; "at least,
+it is now. When we first started in life we used to call ourselves
+CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so in the _Peerages_ of
+earlier date; now it's the other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
+_pas_."
+
+"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL, said STRATHEDEN; so modest,
+so retiring, so thoughtful! After we'd been known as CAMPBELL and
+STRATHEDEN for good many years, you came to me and said it was my turn
+now. I objected; you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State,
+an object of interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the
+Lords."
+
+"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured to say, edging in a
+word, "for you two fellows to take this strong stand against duality?"
+
+"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL, both together; "we are
+authorities on the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot in his
+single person adequately perform the dual duties pertaining to his
+high offices; therefore we shall go and move our resolution protesting
+against arrangement."
+
+Pretty to see them marching off. Always walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says
+it is a practice adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
+in thinking out deep problems; two of the best and the happiest old
+fellows in the world; their only trouble is that on divisions their
+vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL, in whom hot Cupar blood
+flows, once proposed to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
+STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain of the diplomatic character
+of his grandfather, ABINGER.
+
+_Business done._--In the Lords, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL raised
+question of MARKISS as Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
+Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.
+
+_Tuesday._--Scotch Members had their innings to-night; played a pretty
+stiff game till, at twelve o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used
+to be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new name now; Compensation
+Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary work dragging the wreck
+along.
+
+"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that whatever
+I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
+since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of Budget scheme.
+But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't please 'em. Begin
+to think if there were any other business open for me, should chuck
+this up."
+
+"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL, in harsh
+voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams through life
+as if it were all sunshine. Now cloud Seems to have fallen over his
+expansive person, and he is as gloomy as JOKIM.
+
+[Illustration: Floored by the Carpet.]
+
+"It's all very well for you," he continues, glowering at JOKIM, "to
+complain of your lot; but till you go into the carpet-cleaning line
+you never know what vicissitudes mean. One day, alighting from your
+four-in-hand, and happily able to spare to Tottenham Court Road a few
+moments from direction of national affairs, you look in at your shop;
+enter a lady who says she wants a carpet cleaned. 'Very well' you say
+rubbing your hands, and smiling blandly; 'and what will be the next
+article.' Nothing more. Only this blooming carpet, out of which, when
+the job is finished and it is sent home you make a modest five bob.
+Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince you that the coin
+colloquially known as five bob won't go far to enable you to cut a
+figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give pic-nics in your park to
+the Primrose League, and subscribe to the Canton Fund. However, there
+it is; carpet comes; you send it out in usual way, and what happens?
+Why it blows itself up, kills two boys, lames a man, and then you
+discover that you've been entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000
+which you have to pay. Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?"
+MAPLE-BLUNDELL fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his
+infinite sorrows had never taken that particular turn.
+
+"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me about
+your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the world
+valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off by
+spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in charge, at
+the very moment when it was ready to combust spontaneously."
+
+"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
+stamping on the carpet that covers the Library floor, "we all have
+our troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL and his combustible
+carpet I am able the better to bear the woes I have."
+
+[Illustration: ? ? ?]   _Business done._--In Committee on Local
+Taxation Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--"True, TOBY," OLD MORALITY said, in reply to an
+observation, "I am a little tired, and naturally; things haven't been
+going so well as they did; but I could get along well enough if it
+wasn't for SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous; STORY is strenuous;
+TANNER tedious; and DILLON denunciatory. But there's something about
+SUMMERS that is peculiarly aggravating. In the first place, he is, as
+far as appearances go, such a quiet, amiable, inoffensive young man.
+Looking at him, one would think that butter wouldn't melt in his
+mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages in Malta should keep him awake
+at night, and the question of International Arbitration should lower
+his appetite. Yet you know how it is. He seems to have some leisure
+on his hands; uses it to formulate conundrums; comes down here, and
+propounds them to me. Just look at his list for to-night.
+LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria;
+International Arbitration; Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with
+the view the Cape Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement.
+That pretty well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a
+fresh batch, which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our
+discontent, which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think
+that life would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."
+
+Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally, even at
+worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take kindest view of
+circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS, surveying mankind
+from China to Peru in search of material for fresh conundrum, too much
+for mildest-mannered man. OLD MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness,
+jumps up; hotly declines to reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his
+questions to Ministers to whose Department they belonged.
+
+_Business done._--Local Taxation Bill through Committee.
+
+_Friday._--Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just now
+amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly; pounding
+away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore, for the
+fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief of
+school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for
+fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment; when
+suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his knuckles
+into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never seen a
+piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when he recovers
+breath, goes and tells the Master--I mean the SPEAKER. SPEAKER says
+HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT subsides, and
+incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.
+
+A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
+for _Hansard_ portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
+affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
+falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then," said RAIKES,
+with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish the Noble Lord
+had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification." COMPTON
+refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.
+
+"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one almost
+goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
+falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see him
+in his true light now." _Business done._--A good deal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPORTING STYLE.
+
+Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on
+the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be
+remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to be
+haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to be vain
+and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of every
+branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style is
+always immensely effective. All the pot—boys of the Metropolis, most
+of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the patrons
+of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it cannot
+fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs.
+_Second Example._--Event to be commented on: A Regatta.
+
+I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy twaddle in
+the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually taken place. The
+effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who direct this gathering
+endeavour year after year to make the world believe that theirs is
+the only meeting at which honour has the least chance of bursting
+into flower. I have my own opinions on this point. Really, these tenth
+transmitters of foolish faces become more and more brazen in their
+attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny, tin-pot,
+one-horse Regatta as the combination of all the cardinal virtues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute
+the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world will
+acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer the
+straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant to the
+tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification
+in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems
+to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would,
+doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with
+one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those who
+know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that I would
+attend this Regatta _pour rire_. But I know enough to be sure that the
+Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs on the minus
+side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing must be in a
+bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the mark!) than
+those who last week aired their incompetence, and impeded the traffic
+of the people upon the Thames. Time was when an oarsman was an
+oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between a Belgravian flunkey
+and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to say on an unsavoury
+matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 ***
diff --git a/12825-h/12825-h.htm b/12825-h/12825-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f3f7d0b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/12825-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,1802 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" />
+
+  <title>Punch, August 9, 1890.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+      body {
+    margin-left: 10%;
+    margin-right: 10%;
+    }
+    p {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    blockquote {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    pre {
+    font-size : 0.7em;
+    }
+    hr {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    html > body hr {
+    margin-right : 25%;
+    margin-left : 25%;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    hr.full {
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.full {
+    margin-right : 0%;
+    margin-left : 0%;
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    hr.short {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.short {
+    margin-right : 40%;
+    margin-left : 40%;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    .author {
+    text-align : right;
+    margin-right : 5%;
+    margin-top : 0em;
+    }
+    .bracket {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    text-indent : -2em;
+    }
+    .center {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    .note {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    font-size : 0.9em;
+    }
+    .scene {
+    margin-left : 5%;
+    text-indent : -1.5em;
+    }
+    span.pagenum {
+    position : absolute;
+    left : 1%;
+    right : 91%;
+    font-size : 8pt;
+    }
+    .poem {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    margin-bottom : 1em;
+    text-align : left;
+    }
+    .poem .stanza {
+    margin : 1em 0;
+    }
+    .poem p {
+    margin : 0;
+    padding-left : 3em;
+    text-indent : -3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i2 {
+    margin-left : 1em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i4 {
+    margin-left : 2em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i6 {
+    margin-left : 3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i8 {
+    margin-left : 4em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i10 {
+    margin-left : 5em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i16 {
+    margin-left : 8em;
+    }
+    .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft {
+    padding : 1em;
+    margin : 0;
+    text-align : center;
+    font-size : 0.8em;
+    }
+    .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img {
+    border : none;
+    }
+    .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p {
+    margin : 0;
+    text-indent : 1em;
+    }
+    .figcenter {
+    margin : auto;
+    }
+    .figright {
+    float : right;
+    }
+    .figleft {
+    float : left;
+    }
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 ***</div>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>August 9, 1890.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+<h2>FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according
+to your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If
+anything besides your instructions and the general appropriateness
+of the occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it
+would have been found in the fact that
+I formerly served my country in a
+Yeomanry Regiment. I shall never forget
+the glorious occasions on which I
+wore a cavalry uniform, and induced
+some of my best friends to believe I had
+gone to the dogs and enlisted. However,
+to relate my Yeomanry adventures,
+which included a charge by six of us
+upon a whole army, would be to stray
+from my point, which is to describe
+what I saw at the Military Exhibition.
+I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout,
+a mere strain) and took a friend, an
+amiable young man, with me to lean upon.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/061-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/061-1.png" alt="Yeoman with Umbrella" /></a></div>
+
+<p>"There's one place I really <i>do</i> know,"
+he had said to me, "and that's this
+bally place."</p>
+
+<p>I therefore felt I was safe with him.
+We arrived. We entered. "Take me," I said, "to the battle-pictures,
+so that I may study my country's glories."</p>
+
+<p>"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him
+immense credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open
+air with seats all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators.
+The performance in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot
+all about the pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments
+of our citizen soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The
+sight was one which appealed to our common humanity. My daring,
+dangerous Yeomanry days rose up again before me, and I felt that
+if ever I had had to bleed for my QUEEN I should not have bled
+untended. Even my companion, a scoffer, who had never risen
+above a full privacy in the Eton Volunteers, was strangely moved.
+There were, I think, ten detachments, each provided with a stretcher
+and a bag containing simple surgical appliances. All that was
+wanted to complete the realism of the picture was the boom of the
+cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of musketry. In
+imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your benefit,
+Sir, in the following short account.</p>
+
+<p>It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours;
+the casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said
+the Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you,
+JENKINS, tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear;
+BROWN, don't blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my
+soul, THOMPSON, you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and
+re-buckle it at once." With such words as these he cheered his
+men, while to right and left the death-dealing missiles sped, on
+their course. "Stand at ease; 'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he
+next shouted. A Corporal at this point was cut in two by a ball
+from, a forty-pounder, but nobody paid any heed to him. Stiff,
+solid, and in perfect line, stood the detachments waiting for the
+word to succour the afflicted. At last it came. In the midst of
+breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed their folded stretchers
+on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them, and then with a
+simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their impassive
+attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good. THOMPSON
+you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful. Stand
+at ease!" and at ease they all stood.</p>
+
+<p>But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless
+heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.</p>
+
+<p>One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about
+ten yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be
+wounded, and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible
+question arose. <i>Would there be enough to go round?</i> I had only
+counted nine of them, which was one short of the necessary complement,
+but at this supreme moment another grievously wounded
+warrior ran lightly up and lay down opposite the tenth detachment.
+We breathed again.</p>
+
+<p>And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment
+walked round its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at
+attention, then dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself
+down. All this while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and
+appealing for help in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I
+was, I could be restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last
+everything was in order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The
+detachments marched slowly forward, and deposited their stretchers
+each beside a wounded man. Then began a scene of busy bandaging.
+But not until the whole ten had been bound up, legs, arms, heads,
+feet, fingers &amp;c, was it permissible to lift one of them from the
+cold cold ground which he had bedewed with his blood.</p>
+
+<p>"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together.
+Lift!" and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers.
+More play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and
+then the pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in
+a mournful procession round the ground. But when they arrived at
+the place where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all
+been dead, three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant,
+"how vexing. ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all
+together. Drop 'em!" And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun
+sated with, &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax
+figures in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the
+stages of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS,
+I thought to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed
+me that he had remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and
+thither therefore we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if
+either of us ever happened to be struck down in battle he would be
+well looked after by an admirably drilled body of men.</p>
+<p>I am, Sir,<br />
+Yours as usual,</p>
+<p class="author">LE PETIT SHOWS.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST
+AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p>
+
+<p>Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the
+more or less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you
+know that I am again visiting friends, though this time on <i>terra
+firma</i>, and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest"
+are once more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered
+that a man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for
+years was to be my neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really
+I cannot understand <i>any one</i> asking to their house) with the
+strangest coloured hair, and the most unnaturally dark eyes, was
+taken in by the host, and called "darling" by the hostess. After
+dinner, which, by reason of the "range" being out of order, was of
+a rather limited type, they all played cards. That is a form of
+amusement I don't like&mdash;I can't afford it; and this, coupled with
+the fact that I was not asked to sing, somewhat damped my ardour
+as regards visiting strange houses.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/061-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/061-2.png" alt="The Odd Girl Out" /></a></div>
+
+<p>A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
+when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
+slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors
+on an upper floor were heavily banged. I
+heard the servants chattering as they went
+down to breakfast. Then there was silence,
+and once more I composed myself to rest, when
+the dreadest sound of all broke on my ear.
+<i>The baby began to cry.</i> Then I gave it up as
+hopeless, but it was with a sensation of being
+more dead than alive that I crawled down to
+breakfast&mdash;late, of course. One is always late
+the first morning in a strange house&mdash;one can
+never find one's things. I bore with my best
+professional smile the hearty chaff of my host
+(how I hate a hearty man the first thing in
+the morning) and the audible remarks of the
+dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
+my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
+carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
+mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several
+ensuing ones.</p>
+
+<p>I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that
+she, too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a
+high dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the
+tortures, both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads
+and over clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile
+off;" or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and
+utterly uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity
+and patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting;
+I even interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the
+subject of a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those
+strange aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement
+one afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten
+miles to attend a Primrose League <i>Fête</i> in the private grounds of a
+local magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to
+hear that on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling
+me to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned
+that by my sudden departure I should miss the <i>fête</i>. I knew, however,
+that the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the
+objectionable man metaphorically threw up her hat.</p>
+
+<p>As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I
+almost vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even
+as I write, an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She
+writes that she has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I
+will go and stay with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air
+will do me good. Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept.</p>
+
+<p class="author">THE ODD GIRL OUT.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>
+
+<h2>FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope).</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+DEAR EDITOR,</p>
+
+<p>You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you
+understand, but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends,
+Mr and Mrs. SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position&mdash;which
+is far from a secure one,&mdash;but no matter), you said to me,
+YORICK Yotting has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was
+once the life of all the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that
+party now? Where am <i>I</i>? What is my life on board? Life!&mdash;say
+existence. I rise early; I can't help it. I am tubbed on deck:
+deck'd out in my best towels. So I commence the day by going to
+Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope so. I mean it as such.]</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/062-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/062-1.png" alt="Mr. Punch and Toby in a Cariole" /></a></div>
+
+<p>"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the
+land of <i>Hamlet</i>. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take
+a humorous view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous
+views." Well, Sir, I sent you "<i>Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight
+Sun</i>." pretty humorous I think ("more pretty than humorous," you
+cabled to me at Bergen), and since that I have sent you several
+beautiful works of Art, in return for which I received another
+telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send something funny."
+The last I sent ("<i>The Church-going Bell</i>," a pretty peasant woman
+in a boat&mdash;"<i>belle</i>," you see) struck me as very humorous. The idea
+of people going to Church in a boat!</p>
+
+<p>What was I to do?
+Well&mdash;here at last I
+send you something
+which <i>must</i> be
+humorous. It looks
+like it. <i>Mr. Punch</i>
+driving in Norway,
+in a <i>cariole. Mr.
+Punch</i> anywhere is
+humorous; and with
+TOBY too; though I
+am perfectly aware
+that TOBY, M.P., is
+in his place in the
+House; but then
+TOBY is ubarquitous.
+That's funny, isn't
+it?&mdash;see "bark" substituted
+for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is
+the sort of "<i>vürdtwistren</i>" at which they roar in Sweden.</p>
+
+<p>It's all <i>très bien</i> (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny
+in the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea,
+sometimes up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming
+over me in the middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK!</p>
+
+<p>Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted
+between meals: to which regulation. <i>I am gradually becoming
+habituated.</i> It is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult
+in mid-ocean, where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?]
+I now understand what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing
+the Atlantic." There's an awful Depression hanging about the
+Baltic.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/062-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/062-2.png" alt="Sketch of Elsinore" /></a></div>
+
+<p>I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and
+Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking
+Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd
+rather go Elsewhere-inore,&mdash;say, Margate.</p>
+
+<p>Think I shall put
+this in a bottle, cork
+it up, and send it
+overboard, and you'll
+get it by Tidal Post.
+Whether I do this or
+not depends on circumstances
+over which
+I may possibly have
+no control. Anyhow,
+at dinner-time, <i>I shall
+ask for the bottle.</i>
+When you ask for it,
+see that you get it.</p>
+
+<p>Yours truly,</p>
+
+<p class="author">JETSAM<br />
+<i>(or Yotting Artist in Black and White).</i></p>
+<p><i>10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in English miles. Longitude
+4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount of.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<p>AN EXCELLENT RULE.&mdash;We are informed that "extreme ugliness"
+and "male hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications"
+for the French Army. If the same rule only applied to the English
+House of Commons, what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be
+spared!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/063.png"><img width="100%" src="images/063.png" alt="A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS" /></a><h3>A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS.</h3>
+<i>The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."</i></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE DYING SWAN.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'&mdash;The QUEEN'S
+swanherd and the officials of the Dyers' and Vintners'
+Companies arrived at Windsor yesterday on
+their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose
+of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets
+belonging to HER MAJESTY, and the Companies
+interested in the preservation of the birds that
+haunt the stream between London and Henley. It
+is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing
+owing to the traffic on the upper reaches
+of the river, and other causes detrimental to their
+breeding."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">I.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">July was wet,&mdash;a thing not rare&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">With sodden ground and chilly air;</p>
+<p class="i2">The sky presented everywhere</p>
+<p class="i4">A low-pitched roof of doleful grey;</p>
+<p class="i2">With a rain-flusht flood the river ran;</p>
+<p class="i2">Adown it floated a dying Swan,</p>
+<p class="i4">And loudly did lament.</p>
+<p class="i2">It was the middle of the day,</p>
+<p class="i2">The "Swanherd" and his men went on,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Nicking" the cygnets as they went.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">II.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose,</p>
+<p class="i2">And white against the cold white sky</p>
+<p class="i2">Shone many a face of those</p>
+<p class="i4">Who o'er the upper reaches swept,</p>
+<p class="i2">On swans and cygnets keeping an eye.</p>
+<p class="i2">Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow</p>
+<p class="i4">Chasing the birds of the jetty bill</p>
+<p class="i4">Through the reed clusters green and still;</p>
+<p class="i4">And through the osier mazes crept</p>
+<p class="i2">Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">III.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The lone Swan's <i>requiem</i> smote the soul</p>
+<p class="i2">With the reverse of joy.</p>
+<p class="i2">It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dyeing the floods once full and clear;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of launches wildly galumphing by,</p>
+<p class="i2">Washing the banks into hollow and hole;</p>
+<p class="i2">Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near.</p>
+<p class="i2">All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice,</p>
+<p class="i2">With music strange and manifold,</p>
+<p class="i2">Howling out choruses loud and bold</p>
+<p class="i2">As when Bank-holidayites rejoice</p>
+<p class="i2">With concertinas, and the many-holed</p>
+<p class="i2">Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled</p>
+<p class="i2">Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are;</p>
+<p class="i2">And greasy scraps of the <i>Echo</i> or <i>Star</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">Emitting odours reekingly rank,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">And broken bottles invade the reeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug</p>
+<p class="i2">Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank.</p>
+<p class="i2">And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng</p>
+<p class="i2">That sail the upper Thames reaches among,</p>
+<p class="i2">Was prophesied in that plaintive song.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DOING IT CHEAPLY.</h3>
+
+<p>A re-action against the extravagance
+which marked the entertainments of the
+London Season of 1890 having set in, the following
+rules and regulations will be observed
+in the Metropolis until further notice.</p>
+
+<p>1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be
+expected to furnish their own plate and linen,
+and some of the viands and wines to be used
+at the feast.</p>
+
+<p>2. To carry out the above, a <i>menu</i> of the
+proposed meal will form a part of every card
+of invitation, which will run as follows:&mdash;"Mr.
+and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; request the honour of
+Mr. and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;'s company to dinner, on
+&mdash;&mdash; when they will kindly bring with them
+enough for twelve persons of the dish marked
+&mdash;&mdash; on the accompanying <i>Menu</i>, P.T.O."</p>
+
+<p>3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the
+supper as a pic-nic, to which all the guests
+are expected to contribute.</p>
+
+<p>4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest
+will slip into her hand a packet containing a
+sum of money sufficient to defray his or her
+share of the evening's expenses.</p>
+
+<p>5. Ladies making calls at or about five
+o'clock, will bring with them tea, sugar, milk,
+pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread
+and butter.</p>
+
+<p>6. As no bands will be furnished at evening
+parties, guests who can play will be expected
+to bring their musical instruments
+with them. N.B. This does not apply to
+pianofortes on the premises, for which a small
+sum will be charged to those who use them.</p>
+
+<p>7. Should a <i>cotillon</i> be danced, guests will
+provide their own presents, which will become
+the perquisites of the host and hostess.</p>
+
+<p>8, <i>and lastly</i>. Should the above rules, compiled
+in the interest of leaders of Society, be
+insufficient to keep party-givers from appearing
+in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who
+have partaken of any hospitality will be expected
+to contribute a gratuity, to enable the
+Official Receiver to declare a small and final
+dividend.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>PERQUISITES.&mdash;"Nice thing to belong to
+National Liberal Club," observed Mr. G., who
+didn't dine at that establishment for nothing,
+"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!"</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Latest Reading.)</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Noblesse oblige!</i> And what's the obligation,</p>
+<p class="i2">Read in the light of recent demonstration?</p>
+<p class="i2">A member of "our old Nobility"</p>
+<p class="i2">May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall</p>
+<p class="i2">"Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall;</p>
+<p class="i2">Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name</p>
+<p class="i2">By building hope on sin, and joy on shame;</p>
+<p class="i2">Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness</p>
+<p class="i2">By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness;</p>
+<p class="i2">Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS"</p>
+<p class="i2">By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards!</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Noblesse oblige?</i> Better crass imbecility</p>
+<p class="i2">Of callow youth&mdash;<i>with</i> pluck&mdash;than such "nobility"!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>HOME-ING.&mdash;Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully
+simple plan of getting a little boy to sign an
+affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at
+Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that,
+wherever he might wander, there was really
+no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home,
+may remind Dickensian students of a somewhat
+analogous method apparently adopted
+by <i>Mr. Squeers</i> when, on his welcome return
+to Dotheboys Hall, he publicly announced
+that "he had seen the parents of some boys,
+and they're so glad to hear how their sons
+are getting on, that there's no prospect at all
+of their going away, which, of course, is a very
+pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties."
+The conduct of such parents or relatives
+who send children or permit them to be sent
+to Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where,
+at all events, they are well fed and cared for,
+bears some resemblance to that of <i>Graymarsh's</i>
+maternal aunt, who was "short of money,
+but sends a tract instead, and hopes that
+<i>Graymarsh</i> will put his trust in Providence,"
+and also to that of <i>Mobb's</i> "mother-in-law,"
+who was so disgusted with her stepson's conduct
+(for DICKENS meant step-mother when he
+wrote "mother-in-law"&mdash;an odd <i>lapsus
+calami</i> never subsequently corrected) that she
+"stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money,
+and had given a double-bladed knife
+with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries,
+which she had bought on purpose for him."
+We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO&mdash;much; but
+we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and
+guardians, who apparently don't know their
+own minds. In the recent case which was
+sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B.
+found that he could buy GOULD too dear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+<h2>SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION!</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)</i></p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/064-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-1.png" alt="Our Correspondent at Breakfast" /></a>Our Correspondent at Breakfast.</div>
+
+<p><i>Samol Plazo</i>, 8 A.M.&mdash;My <i>plat</i> of <i>egsibaconi</i> has just been knocked
+out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man
+(who is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution
+must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything
+is down, something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now
+going to Government House. If I don't get this through, make
+complaint at the Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine.</p>
+
+<p>9 A.M.&mdash;Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here.
+Came by a <i>bussi</i>, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much
+used by the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the
+roof of the <i>bussi</i> were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside
+this caused me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my
+destination with the remainder. Just seen the President, who says
+laughingly, that
+"there has been
+practically nothing
+but perfect
+peace and quiet."
+I doubt whether
+this can be quite
+the case, as he was
+sitting in front of
+Government
+House, which was
+at that very moment
+undergoing
+a vigorous bombardment.
+When
+I pointed this out
+to him, he confessed
+that he had
+noticed it himself,
+but did not think
+much of it. He
+was in excellent spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow
+escape of his mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side
+are progressing. If the Post Office people tell you they can't send
+my telegrams to you, refuse to believe them.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/064-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-2.png" alt="Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent" /></a>Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.</div>
+
+<p>10 A.M.&mdash;As I suspected, from the first, there <i>has</i> been a disturbance.
+I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise understand why my
+<i>cabbi</i> should have been blown into the air, while passing through a
+mined street on the road here. I am now at the Head Quarters of
+the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They appear to be
+very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and account for
+the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would naturally
+blaze away at the biggest target&mdash;Government House. So far, the
+disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10 A.M.,
+but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has just been
+carried away by a new kind of land torpedo.</p>
+
+<p>12, NOON.&mdash;I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters.
+As I could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag
+with gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing
+the battery which now masks the remains of what was once Government
+House. The President, after having organised a band of <i>pic-pockettini</i>
+(desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into the provinces,
+declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this declaration
+is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring of levity.
+The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms, under the
+personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who deprecates
+waste in ammunition, and
+declares that he is bound to
+the President by the tie of
+the battle-field.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/064-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-3.png" alt="Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position" /></a>Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.</div>
+
+<p>2 P.M.&mdash;Have rejoined the
+Oniononi, coming hither by
+ricochet on a spent shell.
+The people are entirely with
+them, and cheer at every
+fresh evidence of destruction.
+Found a well-known
+shopkeeper in ecstasies over
+the ruins of his establishment.
+He said that, "Although
+the revolution might
+be bad for trade, it would
+do good, as things wanted
+waking up." A slaughter of
+police and railway officials,
+which has just been carried
+out with infinite spirit,
+seems to be immensely
+popular. If you don't get
+this, make immediate complaint. Don't accept, as an excuse, that
+the wires have been cut, and the office razed to the ground. They
+can get it through, if they like.</p>
+
+<p>4 P.M.&mdash;Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and
+buried. As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish
+it under reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true,
+although I have my doubts upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>6 P.M.&mdash;It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and
+funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the
+truth of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph
+Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation
+between the contending parties.</p>
+
+<p>8 P.M.&mdash;The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted
+their ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending
+parties are now dining together, <i>al fresco</i>, as the town is
+in ruins. Nothing more to add save, All's well that ends well!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h3>
+
+<h4>WORKMEN'S.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,</i> "Have
+you got that half-crown handy?"</p>
+
+<h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,</i> "It <i>was</i>,
+ten minutes ago."</p>
+
+<p><i>"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,</i> "Kindly give me your
+close attention for twenty-five minutes."</p>
+
+<h4>SOCIAL.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;"
+i.e.,</i> "Awkward toad!"</p>
+
+<p><i>"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,</i> "That I may
+avoid that dress-maker."</p>
+
+<h4>THEATRICAL.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,</i>
+"A cruel bad actor&mdash;but can't say so."</p>
+
+<p><i>"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,</i>
+"Never saw a worse play&mdash;but it may catch on."</p>
+
+<p><i>"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud
+calls;" i.e.,</i> "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"BRAVO, TORO!"&mdash;M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in
+Paris, even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite
+right! But if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt&mdash;the
+sort of "Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE&mdash;he
+would do good service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor
+fellah, and to civilisation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.&mdash;The exterior of the recently-opened Hôtel
+Métropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A.,
+is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar
+hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out letters
+patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr. SEA-WATERHOUSE,
+R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels
+Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a
+juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon
+Boys' Hotel.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/065-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-1.png" alt="Man Under Book" /></a></div>
+
+<p>Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright,
+<i>The Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux</i>, that appeared in a Christmas
+Number of the <i>Illustrated London News</i> some years ago? If no
+one else does, I do, says the Baron; and that sensational story was
+a sensational sell, wherein
+the agony was piled up to
+the "n<sup>th</sup>," and just as the
+secret was about to be disclosed,
+the only person who
+knew it, and was on the
+point of revealing it, died.
+This is the sort of thing
+that Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING
+has just done in this month's
+<i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>. It
+is told in a plain, rough and
+ready, blunt style, but so
+blunt that there's no point in it. And the idea,&mdash;that is if the idea
+be that the likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's
+eye, and can be reproduced by photography,&mdash;is not a novelty.
+Perhaps this story in <i>Lippincott</i> comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD
+KIPLING'S pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because
+Editorial <i>Lippincott</i> wanted something with the name of the KIPLING,
+"bright and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't "merry."</p>
+
+<p><i>Black's Guide to Kent</i> for 1890, useful in many respects, but
+not quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about
+the splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it
+speaks of Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate
+as if that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an
+old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of
+superior London tradesmen"&mdash;"which," says the Baron, "is, to my
+certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of the
+"humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the cheap-trippers'
+season, as if this could possibly be the best time for Ramsgate.
+The <i>Guide</i> knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of the Winter
+attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the delightful climate
+from mid-September to January; of the southern aspect; of the pure
+air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal, Sandwich, Ickham, and
+so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention of the Granville
+Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for fishers and
+shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and in the
+early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and make
+it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who love life, and
+would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron, puffing off
+his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain youthful critic,
+who, in his presence at supper, had been running down <i>Macbeth</i>, finding
+fault with the Lyceum production of it, and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE
+for having written it. When he had quite finished HENRY IRVING,
+'laying low' in his chair at the table, adjusted his pince-nez, and,
+looking straight at the clever young gentleman, asked, in the mildest
+possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you ever <i>read Macbeth?</i>' So,"
+resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask Mr. BLACK'S young man,
+'Do you <i>know</i> Ramsgate?' And of course I mean the Ramsgate
+of 1890."</p>
+
+<p>From the specimens of <i>London City</i> that have been sent for inspection
+by Messrs. FIELD &amp; TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing
+it out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially.
+It is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get
+it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become
+subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J.
+LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest
+principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a
+talented draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the
+games in the City. In consequence of some piratical publisher
+having attempted to bring out a work under the same title, intended
+to deceive even the elect, Messrs. FIELD &amp; TUER have secured
+the copyright of the title <i>London City</i>, by the ingenious device of
+publishing, for one farthing each, five hundred copies of a miniature
+pamphlet bearing this title, and containing the explanation. The
+value of these eccentric farthing pamphlets may one day be thousands
+of pounds. <i>Mem</i>.&mdash;Twopence would be well invested in purchasing
+four of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Salads and Sandwiches</i> is an attractive title, specially at this
+season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little
+mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination
+known as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the
+grocer's, recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making,
+then he closes the book, and reads no more that day. This
+author, who is in his salad days, might bring out a book entitled <i>How
+to Suck Eggs; or, Letters to my Grandmother</i>. It is a suggestion
+worth considering, says</p>
+
+<p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/065-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-2.png" alt="Woman and Youth with Oar" /></a></div>
+
+<h3>TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest,</p>
+<p class="i4">Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves;</p>
+<p class="i2">For whom do you put on that dainty vest,</p>
+<p class="i4">That sky-blue ribbon and those <i>gigot</i> sleeves.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"<i>Simplex munditiis</i>," as HORACE wrote,</p>
+<p class="i4">And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash;</p>
+<p class="i2">To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat,</p>
+<p class="i4">And smile as kindly on another "mash."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">As for myself&mdash;I'm old, and look askance</p>
+<p class="i4">At flannels and flirtation; not for me</p>
+<p class="i2">Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance</p>
+<p class="i4">From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>IN THE KNOW.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)</i></p>
+
+<p>I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot
+move me by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude;
+praise cannot unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this
+last week would have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and
+shrinking diffidence which (I say it without egotism) marks me off
+from the poisonous, pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained
+reptiles who disgrace the profession to which I belong. All
+I wish now to do is to point out that <i>I am the only prophet</i> who indicated,
+without any beating about the bush, that <i>Marvel</i> would win
+the Stewards' Cup at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the
+fact, and my private residence has been choked by an avalanche of
+congratulatory despatches, including two or three from some of the
+highest in the land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF
+says:&mdash;"You have me with your writings much refreshed. I have
+the whole revenues of the Grand Duchy against one thousand
+<i>flaschen</i> of lager bier gebetted, and I have won him on your noble
+advice on <i>Marvel</i>. I make you Commander of the Honigthau
+Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators are not to
+one country confined&mdash;I mean, confined to one country.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/065-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-3.png" alt="Mr. Punch and Prophet" /></a></div>
+
+<p>What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup
+horses? By the well-known grammatical
+figure known as the <i>hysteroproteron,</i>
+I mentioned <i>Marvel</i>
+last, intending, of course, as even
+a buffalo-headed Bedlamite might
+have seen, that he should be first.
+And he was first. But to make
+assurance doubly sure, and to bring
+prophecy down to the intellectual
+level of a bat, I added, in speaking
+of the winner, that he "would
+certainly be a <i>Marvel</i>." I say no
+more. As the great Cardinal once
+observed to his chief of police, "<i>Je
+te verrai soufflé d'abord,"</i> so I
+reply to those who wish me to reveal
+the secret of my success. Mr.
+J. knows it not, and no single
+member of the imbecile, anserous,
+asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous, hugger-mugger
+purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the least conception
+of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach, though I
+have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who desire
+to <i>know</i>, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making." Every
+applicant must send his photograph with his application, not
+necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"SUR LE TAPIS."&mdash;It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an
+eminent firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G.
+didn't want D'OYLY CARPET&mdash;no, beg pardon, should have written
+D'OYLY CARTE to have <i>carte blanche</i>. [Pretty name this. Is there
+a BLANCHE CARTE? If not, "make it so."]&mdash;to do whatever he liked
+whenever he liked with the decorating and upholstering of the theatre.
+And recently another carpet, not in connection with the above firm,
+created a difficulty. What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who
+likes this sort of thing? Nothing. Yet as <i>amici curiae</i>, we would
+have thought that that Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept
+out of Court. Wasn't that a Blunder, MAPLE?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/066.png"><img width="100%" src="images/066.png" alt="The Love Letter--A Study of Indiscretion" /></a>
+<h3>THE LOVE LETTER.&mdash;A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>FROM NILE TO NEVA.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class="note">
+["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel
+to serve with rigour. And they made their lives
+bitter with hard bondage."&mdash;<i>Exodus.</i></p>
+
+<p class="note">"The Russian Government, by the new edicts
+legalises persecution, and openly declares war
+against the Jews of the Empire."&mdash;<i>Times.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Beware!" 'Tis a voice from the shades,</p>
+<p class="i4">from the dark of three thousand long years,</p>
+<p class="i2">But it falls like the red blade of RA, and</p>
+<p class="i4">should echo in Tyranny's ears</p>
+<p class="i2">With the terror of overhead thunder; from</p>
+<p class="i4">Nile to the Neva it thrills,</p>
+<p class="i2">And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of</p>
+<p class="i4">the doom of imperious wills.</p>
+<p class="i2">When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone</p>
+<p class="i4">by Orontes, at bay,</p>
+<p class="i2">By the chariots compassed about of the foe</p>
+<p class="i4">who were fierce for the fray,</p>
+<p class="i2">He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES,</p>
+<p class="i4">conquering king;</p>
+<p class="i2">But were there such voice by the Neva to-day,</p>
+<p class="i4">of what now should he sing?</p>
+<p class="i2">Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression</p>
+<p class="i4">belated and vain?</p>
+<p class="i2">Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand</p>
+<p class="i4">from the scourge and the chain;</p>
+<p class="i2">For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and</p>
+<p class="i4">the laureates of tyranny mute,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the whistle of falchion and flail are not</p>
+<p class="i4">set to the chords of the lute.</p>
+<p class="i2">True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of</p>
+<p class="i4">the Pyramid-builders, bows still,</p>
+<p class="i2">For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the</p>
+<p class="i4">Muscovite's merciless will;</p>
+<p class="i2">But four millions of Israel's children are not</p>
+<p class="i4">to be crushed in the path</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great</p>
+<p class="i4">RAMESES flamed in his wrath</p>
+<p class="i2">Alone through their numberless hosts. No,</p>
+<p class="i4">the days of the Titans of Wrong</p>
+<p class="i2">Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the</p>
+<p class="i4">voice of the peoples is strong.</p>
+<p class="i2">Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in</p>
+<p class="i4">pity that rings down the years</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his</p>
+<p class="i4">terrible toil and his tears;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and,</p>
+<p class="i4">worse, the tax-gathering horde</p>
+<p class="i2">Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid</p>
+<p class="i4">of the stick and the cord;</p>
+<p class="i2">And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the</p>
+<p class="i4">text of the old Coptic Muse,</p>
+<p class="i2">And&mdash;one hears the mad rush of the wheels</p>
+<p class="i4">that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with</p>
+<p class="i4">your heel on the Israelite's neck,</p>
+<p class="i2">And your hand on that baleful old blade,</p>
+<p class="i4">Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck</p>
+<p class="i2">The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware!</p>
+<p class="i4">Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river</p>
+<p class="i4">that is but a tomb,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong.</p>
+<p class="i4">AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts,</p>
+<p class="i2">He the prince of the Coptic police who so</p>
+<p class="i4">harried the Israelite hosts</p>
+<p class="i2">When their lives with hard-bondage were</p>
+<p class="i4">bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try.</p>
+<p class="i2">Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation.</p>
+<p class="i4">Beware, Sire! Put by</p>
+<p class="i2">That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The</p>
+<p class="i4">PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found</p>
+<p class="i2">That it wounds him who wields it; and you,</p>
+<p class="i4">though your victim there, prone on the ground,</p>
+<p class="i2">Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find</p>
+<p class="i4">Persecution a bane</p>
+<p class="i2">Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to</p>
+<p class="i4">o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA</p>
+<p class="i4">that whispers the warning from far.</p>
+<p class="i2">Concerning <i>that</i> sword there's a lesson the</p>
+<p class="i4">PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<p>"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."&mdash;Among the
+numerous rewards mentioned in the <i>Times</i> of
+last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch,
+with monogram in diamonds, presented by
+the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally
+successful season, was not mentioned.
+Most appropriate present from the persons up
+to tune to one who is always up to time. The
+umble individual who writes this paragraph
+only wishes some company&mdash;Italian, French,
+no matter which&mdash;would present <i>him</i> with a
+golden and diamonded watch. "O my prophetic
+soul! My Uncle!!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Price of It.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite</p>
+<p class="i2">Is bestowed on "free publicity."</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis the thing that we all strive at,</p>
+<p class="i2">Praise in speech, and hate&mdash;in private!</p>
+<p class="i2">Where are pride, reserve, simplicity?</p>
+<p class="i2">Fled for ever&mdash;from Publicity!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"MORE LIGHT!"&mdash;The Berners Hotel Co.,
+with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA as Chairman,
+should at once be advertised as "The
+G.A.S.-Berners Hotel Co.," and, of course,
+no electric lighting would be used. Mr.
+SIMS REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel
+Company. So it starts with a tenner.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD
+SUMMER. <i>One Iron Soldier, and the Led
+Captain.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/067.png"><img width="100%" src="images/067.png" alt="" /></a>
+<h3>FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA.</h3>
+SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT WIELDS IT."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<!--blank page 68-->
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2>
+
+<h4>No. XII.&mdash;CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER.</h4>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">CHARACTERS.</p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age immaterial).</i></p>
+
+<p class="scene">SCENE&mdash;<i>An Apartment in the house of</i> CONRAD'S <i>Mother, window in
+centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk,
+and the room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the
+street lamps.</i> CONRAD <i>discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad (watching street).</i> Still there! For full an hour he has not
+budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight
+falls upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh,
+while from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister
+malignant eyes&mdash;on whom? <i>(Shuddering.)</i> I dare not trust myself
+to guess! And yet&mdash;ah, no&mdash;it cannot be myself! I am so young&mdash;one
+is still young at six!&mdash;What man can say that I have injured
+him? Since, in my Mother's absence all the day engaged upon
+Municipal affairs, I peacefully beguile the weary hours by suction
+of consolatory thumbs. <i>(Here he inserts his thumb in his mouth,
+but almost instantly removes it with a start.)</i> Again I meet those
+eyes! I'll look no more&mdash;but draw the blind and shut my terror
+out. <i>(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage
+lightens.)</i> Heigho, I wish my Mother were at
+home! <i>(Listening.)</i> At last. I hear her latchkey
+in the door!</p>
+
+<p class="scene"><i>Enter</i> CONRAD'S Mother, <i>a lady of strong-minded
+appearance, rationally attired. She
+carries a large reticule full of documents.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad's M.</i> Would, CONRAD, that you were
+of riper years, so you might share your
+Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her
+long and arduous toil as one of London's
+County Councillors!</p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad.</i> Nay, speak; for though my mind
+be immature, one topic still can charm my
+infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated
+tale. I love to hear of that august Assembly
+<i>(his Mother lifts her bonnet solemnly)</i> in
+which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (gratified).</i> Learn, CONRAD, then,
+that, after many months of patient "lobbying"
+(you've heard the term?) the measure
+by my foresight introduced has triumphed by
+a bare majority!</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> My bosom thrills with dutiful delight&mdash;although
+I yet for information wait as to
+the scope and purpose of the statute.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it
+should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and
+you shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I
+advocate the sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my
+efforts every infant's toys are carefully inspected once a month&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (wearily).</i> Nay, Mother, you forget&mdash;I <i>have</i> no toys.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Which brings you under the exemption clause. But&mdash;to
+resume; how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed
+by our Censor, and any deviation from the text forbidden under
+heavy penalties? All that you know. Well; with concern of late,
+I have remarked among our infancy the rapid increase of a baneful
+habit on which I scarce can bring my tongue to dwell. <i>(The Stage
+darker; blind at back illuminated.)</i> Oh, CONRAD, there are children&mdash;think
+of it!&mdash;so lost to every sense of decency that, in mere
+wantonness or brainless sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden
+thumbs! (CONRAD <i>starts with irrepressible emotion.)</i> Forgive me
+if I shock your innocence! <i>(Sadly.)</i> Such things exist&mdash;but soon
+shall cease to be, thanks to the measure we have passed to-day!</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with growing uneasiness).</i> But how can statutes check such
+practices?</p>
+
+<p><i>C's M. (patting his head).</i> Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I
+come to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory
+restraint in woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. <i>I</i>
+saw the evil had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted
+remedies. No; we must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay,
+interrupt me not; my Bill appoints a new official, by the style and
+title of "London County Council Scissorman," for the detection of
+young "suck-a-thumbs."</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of
+shears appears upon the blind.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap).</i> Ah, Mother, see!...
+the scissors!... On the blind!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The
+shadow of his grim insignia should have no terror&mdash;save for thumb-suckers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> And what for <i>them</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (complacently).</i> A doom devised by me&mdash;the confiscation
+of the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects,
+for those who have no thumbs can err no more.</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind</i>, CONRAD <i>appearing
+relieved at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both
+start to their feet.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's M.</i> Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?</p>
+
+<p><i>A Voice.</i> Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's M.</i> 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless
+calls to thank me for the post.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with a gloomy determination).</i> More like his business,
+Madam, is with&mdash;Me!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (suddenly enlightened).</i> A Suck-a-thumb?... <i>you</i>,
+CONRAD?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. (desperately).</i> Ay,&mdash;from birth!</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The
+knocking is renewed.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Oh, this is horrible&mdash;it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt
+and barricade the door.</p>
+
+<p class="bracket">[CONRAD <i>places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a
+tone of incisive irony.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus
+that you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own
+devising. Come, your official's waiting&mdash;let
+him in! (C's. M. <i>shrinks back appalled.</i>) So?
+you refuse!&mdash;(<i>throwing open door</i>)&mdash;then&mdash;enter,
+Scissorman!</p>
+
+<p class="scene"><i>[Enter the</i> Scissorman, <i>masked and in red tights,
+with his hand upon the hilt of his shears.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (in a passionless tone).</i> Though sorry
+to create unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs
+of this young gentleman, which my own eyes
+have marked between his lips.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (frantically).</i> Thou minion of a
+meddling tyranny, go exercise thy loathsome
+trade elsewhere!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (civilly).</i> I've duties here that must
+be first performed.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (wildly).</i> Take my thumbs for his!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> 'Tis not the law&mdash;which is a model
+of lucidity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (calmly).</i> Sir, you speak well. My
+thumbs are forfeited, and they alone must pay
+the penalty.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (with approval).</i> Right! Step with
+me into the outer hall, and have the business
+done without delay.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (throwing herself between them).</i>
+Stay! I'm a Councillor&mdash;this law was <i>mine!</i>
+Hereby I do suspend the clause I drew.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> You should have drawn it milder.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed?
+[<i>To</i> Sc.] Lead on, Sir. <i>(To his</i> Mother <i>with cold courtesy.)</i>
+Madam,&mdash;may I trouble you?</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the</i> S.; <i>the
+door is shut and fastened from without.</i> C's. M. <i>rushes to
+door which she attempts to force without success.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole
+train my tortured ear. <i>(Listening.)</i> Dead silence!... is it over&mdash;or,
+to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?...
+Again! and followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon
+linoleum!...</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[The door is opened and</i> CONRAD <i>appears, pale but erect,&mdash;N.B.
+The whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La
+Tosca"&mdash;which, however, it exceeds in horror and intensity.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD!
+What?&mdash;repulse a Mother's Arms!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/069.png"><img width="100%" src="images/069.png" alt="Mother at Son's Feet" /></a></div>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with chilling composure).</i> Yes, Madam, for between us
+ever more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach
+those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back&mdash;the
+thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced
+me in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and
+your endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the
+harm in sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw,
+his paws sustain the hibernating bear&mdash;and you decree no law to
+punish <i>them</i>! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed
+this most ridiculous enactment&mdash;its earliest victim your neglected son!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (falling at his feet).</i> Say, CONRAD, you will some day
+pardon me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)</i> I will,&mdash;the day
+these pollards send forth shoots!</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[His</i> Mother <i>turns aside with a heartbroken wail</i>; CONRAD <i>standing
+apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/070.png"><img width="100%" src="images/070.png" alt="Running His Eye Over Them" /></a> <h3>"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM".</h3>
+<i>Colonel North and Lord Dunraven.</i> "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH. WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+<h2>"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM."</h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">GRANDOLPH <i>muses</i>:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"My Kingdom for a horse!"</p>
+<p class="i4">Ah, well!</p>
+<p class="i2">The question is,&mdash;which <i>is</i> my Kingdom?</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm bound to own there <i>is</i> a spell</p>
+<p class="i4">In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom,</p>
+<p class="i2">The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew,</p>
+<p class="i2">As DIZZY tells, <i>I</i> feel it too.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He won brief leadership, who might</p>
+<p class="i4">Have won the Derby! Which was better?</p>
+<p class="i2">There's rapture in a racer's flight,</p>
+<p class="i4">There's rust on the official fetter.</p>
+<p class="i2">Of me the Press tells taradiddles!</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, I do set the fools strange riddles!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Fourth Party!" He was no bad start</p>
+<p class="i2">For a new stable, but he's done with.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Tory Democracy!" No heart!</p>
+<p class="i2">But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!"</p>
+<p class="i2">My Stable has not lacked variety.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">What does NORTH say? A ragged lot?</p>
+<p class="i4">Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN?</p>
+<p class="i2">Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot.</p>
+<p class="i4">Audacious now, and now half craven.</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, freak's an unexhausted fount.</p>
+<p class="i2">Mentor, can <i>you</i> guess my next mount?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/071-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071-1.png" alt="A Careful Man" /></a> <h3>A CAREFUL MAN.</h3>
+
+<i>Host.</i> "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS
+GETTING INTO YOUR <i>HEAD</i>, I SUPPOSE?"<br />
+
+<i>Guest.</i> "No! IT'S NOT MY <i>HEAD</i> I'M AFRAID OF WITH <i>YOUR</i> CHAMPAGNE!"</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MY PITHY JAYNE.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class="note">
+[DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at
+a Conference of the Girl's Friendly
+Society, at Chester, said that until
+they were prepared to introduce basket-making
+into London Society as a substitute
+for quadrilles and waltzes, he
+was not disposed to accept it as an
+equivalent for balls and dances among
+girls of other classes.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">AIR.&mdash;"<i>My Pretty Jane</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>Punch</i> fancies you looked sly</p>
+<p class="i2">When you met them, met them down at Chester,</p>
+<p class="i4">And gave them "one in the eye."</p>
+<p class="i2">Bigotry's waning fast, my boy,</p>
+<p class="i4">But Cant we sometimes hear,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Chester cant is pestilent cant,</p>
+<p class="i4">My Lord, that's pretty clear.</p>
+<p class="i2">Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4">Of smiting don't be shy;</p>
+<p class="i2">But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans</p>
+<p class="i4">And tell them it's all my eye.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">'Tis only play, and harmless play,</p>
+<p class="i4">Like kissing in the ring,</p>
+<p class="i2">When lads and lasses of spirits gay</p>
+<p class="i4">Dance like young lambs in Spring.</p>
+<p class="i2">That Spring will wane too fast, alas!</p>
+<p class="i4">But while it yet is here,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy,</p>
+<p class="i4">The dance to youth so dear.</p>
+<p class="i2">Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4">Don't heed the bigot's cry,</p>
+<p class="i2">But meet them, meet them down at Chester</p>
+<p class="i4">And teach them Charity!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/071-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071-2.png" alt="Turning over fresh Leaves" /></a>Turning over fresh Leaves.</div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 28.</i>&mdash;STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL
+are amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House
+of Lords. RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run
+them pretty close, but come in only a good second.
+Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA
+rarely go beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and
+CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery reserved
+for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like
+Babes in the Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM,
+turning over leaves of Orders as if he would like
+to complete the simile by acting the part of the
+birds. To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL
+leave us forlorn. They have business in their
+own House; been long concerned for interests
+of State as affected by the MARKISS'S persistence
+in combining office of Premier with that of
+Foreign Secretary.</p>
+
+<p>"It would be too much even for us," said
+STRATHEDEN, in conversation we had before
+House met; "and," he continued, "though I
+say it what shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement
+that would be happier or more complete
+than if we undertook the job. What do you
+say, CAMPBELL? Would you be Premier, or
+would you take the Foreign Seals?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL,
+gallantly; "at least, it is now. When
+we first started in life we used to call ourselves
+CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so
+in the <i>Peerages</i> of earlier date; now it's the
+other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
+<i>pas</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL,
+said STRATHEDEN; so modest, so retiring, so thoughtful! After
+we'd been known as CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN for good many
+years, you came to me and said it was my turn now. I objected;
+you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State, an object of
+interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the Lords."</p>
+
+<p>"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured
+to say, edging in a word, "for you two
+fellows to take this strong stand against
+duality?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL,
+both together; "we are authorities on
+the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot
+in his single person adequately perform the
+dual duties pertaining to his high offices; therefore
+we shall go and move our resolution protesting
+against arrangement."</p>
+
+<p>Pretty to see them marching off. Always
+walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says it is a practice
+adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
+in thinking out deep problems; two of
+the best and the happiest old fellows in the
+world; their only trouble is that on divisions
+their vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL,
+in whom hot Cupar blood flows, once proposed
+to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
+STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain
+of the diplomatic character of his grandfather,
+ABINGER.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In the Lords, STRATHEDEN
+and CAMPBELL raised question of MARKISS as
+Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
+Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Scotch Members had their innings
+to-night; played a pretty stiff game till, at twelve
+o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used to
+be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+name now; Compensation Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary
+work dragging the wreck along.</p>
+
+<p>"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that
+whatever I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
+since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of
+Budget scheme. But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't
+please 'em. Begin to think if there were any other business open
+for me, should chuck this up."</p>
+
+<p>"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL,
+in harsh voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams
+through life as if it were
+all sunshine. Now cloud
+Seems to have fallen over
+his expansive person, and
+he is as gloomy as JOKIM.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/072-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/072-1.png" alt="Floored by the Carpet" /></a>Floored by the Carpet.</div>
+
+<p>"It's all very well for
+you," he continues, glowering
+at JOKIM, "to complain
+of your lot; but till you go
+into the carpet-cleaning
+line you never know what
+vicissitudes mean. One
+day, alighting from your
+four-in-hand, and happily
+able to spare to Tottenham
+Court Road a few moments
+from direction of national
+affairs, you look in at your
+shop; enter a lady who
+says she wants a carpet
+cleaned. 'Very well' you
+say rubbing your hands,
+and smiling blandly; 'and
+what will be the next
+article.' Nothing more.
+Only this blooming carpet,
+out of which, when the job
+is finished and it is sent
+home you make a modest
+five bob. Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince
+you that the coin colloquially known as five bob won't go far
+to enable you to cut a figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give
+pic-nics in your park to the Primrose League, and subscribe to
+the Canton Fund. However, there it is; carpet comes; you send
+it out in usual way, and what happens? Why it blows itself up,
+kills two boys, lames a man, and then you discover that you've been
+entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000 which you have to pay.
+Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?" MAPLE-BLUNDELL
+fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his infinite sorrows
+had never taken that particular turn.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me
+about your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the
+world valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off
+by spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in
+charge, at the very moment when it
+was ready to combust spontaneously."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as
+MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
+stamping on the carpet that covers
+the Library floor, "we all have our
+troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL
+and his combustible carpet
+I am able the better to bear the woes
+I have."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/072-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/072-2.png" alt="Man Reading Aloud" /></a><h4>? ? ?</h4></div>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Committee on
+Local Taxation Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;"True, TOBY," OLD
+MORALITY said, in reply to an observation,
+"I am a little tired, and
+naturally; things haven't been going
+so well as they did; but I could get
+along well enough if it wasn't for
+SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous;
+STORY is strenuous; TANNER
+tedious; and DILLON denunciatory.
+But there's something about SUMMERS
+that is peculiarly aggravating.
+In the first place, he is, as far as
+appearances go, such a quiet, amiable,
+inoffensive young man. Looking at him, one would think that
+butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages
+in Malta should keep him awake at night, and the question of International
+Arbitration should lower his appetite. Yet you know how
+it is. He seems to have some leisure on his hands; uses it to formulate
+conundrums; comes down here, and propounds them to me.
+Just look at his list for to-night. LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to
+the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria; International Arbitration;
+Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with the view the Cape
+Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement. That pretty
+well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a fresh batch,
+which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our discontent,
+which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think that life
+would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."</p>
+
+<p>Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally,
+even at worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take
+kindest view of circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS,
+surveying mankind from China to Peru in search of material for
+fresh conundrum, too much for mildest-mannered man. OLD
+MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness, jumps up; hotly declines to
+reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his questions to Ministers to
+whose Department they belonged.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Local Taxation Bill through Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just
+now amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly;
+pounding away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore,
+for the fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief
+of school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for
+fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment;
+when suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his
+knuckles into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never
+seen a piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when
+he recovers breath, goes and tells the Master&mdash;I mean the SPEAKER.
+SPEAKER says HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT
+subsides, and incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.</p>
+
+<p>A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
+for <i>Hansard</i> portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
+affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
+falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then,"
+said RAIKES, with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish
+the Noble Lord had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification."
+COMPTON refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one
+almost goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
+falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see
+him in his true light now." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;A good deal.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A SPORTING STYLE.</h3>
+
+<p>Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on
+the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be
+remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to
+be haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to
+be vain and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of
+every branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style
+is always immensely effective. All the pot-boys of the Metropolis,
+most of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the
+patrons of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it
+cannot fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs.
+<i>Second Example.</i>&mdash;Event to be commented on: A Regatta.</p>
+
+<p>I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy
+twaddle in the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually
+taken place. The effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who
+direct this gathering endeavour year after year to make the world
+believe that theirs is the only meeting at which honour has the least
+chance of bursting into flower. I have my own opinions on this
+point. Really, these tenth transmitters of foolish faces become more
+and more brazen in their attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny,
+tin-pot, one-horse Regatta as the combination of
+all the cardinal virtues.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute
+the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world
+will acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer
+the straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant
+to the tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification
+in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems
+to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would,
+doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with
+one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those
+who know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that
+I would attend this Regatta <i>pour rire</i>. But I know enough to be
+sure that the Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs
+on the minus side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing
+must be in a bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the
+mark!) than those who last week aired their incompetence, and
+impeded the traffic of the people upon the Thames. Time was when
+an oarsman was an oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between
+a Belgravian flunkey and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to
+say on an unsavoury matter.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:10em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 12825 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/12825-h/images/061-1.png b/12825-h/images/061-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5e137a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/061-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/061-2.png b/12825-h/images/061-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..74e157f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/061-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/062-1.png b/12825-h/images/062-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0d73b57
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/062-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/062-2.png b/12825-h/images/062-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6540269
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/062-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/063.png b/12825-h/images/063.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c5a0fde
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/063.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/064-1.png b/12825-h/images/064-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3492c94
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/064-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/064-2.png b/12825-h/images/064-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e187664
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/064-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/064-3.png b/12825-h/images/064-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a606f0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/064-3.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/065-1.png b/12825-h/images/065-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..666073d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/065-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/065-2.png b/12825-h/images/065-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5050504
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/065-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/065-3.png b/12825-h/images/065-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ebd88cb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/065-3.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/066.png b/12825-h/images/066.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..32f3ad7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/066.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/067.png b/12825-h/images/067.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..48e05ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/067.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/069.png b/12825-h/images/069.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..562e788
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/069.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/070.png b/12825-h/images/070.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec35649
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/070.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/071-1.png b/12825-h/images/071-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3825a44
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/071-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/071-2.png b/12825-h/images/071-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c924aea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/071-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/072-1.png b/12825-h/images/072-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e37a75f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/072-1.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/072-2.png b/12825-h/images/072-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..06cf7dc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/072-2.png
diff --git a/12825-h/images/pointer.png b/12825-h/images/pointer.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6309484
--- /dev/null
+++ b/12825-h/images/pointer.png
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e77e357
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #12825 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/12825)
diff --git a/old/12825-8.txt b/old/12825-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..095ea98
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1790 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, August 9, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 5, 2004 [EBook #12825]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+August 9, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.
+
+Sir,--I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according to
+your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If anything
+besides your instructions and the general appropriateness of the
+occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it would have
+been found in the fact that I formerly served my country in a Yeomanry
+Regiment. I shall never forget the glorious occasions on which I wore
+a cavalry uniform, and induced some of my best friends to believe
+I had gone to the dogs and enlisted. However, to relate my Yeomanry
+adventures, which included a charge by six of us upon a whole army,
+would be to stray from my point, which is to describe what I saw at
+the Military Exhibition. I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout, a mere
+strain) and took a friend, an amiable young man, with me to lean upon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"There's one place I really _do_ know," he had said to me, "and that's
+this bally place."
+
+I therefore felt I was safe with him. We arrived. We entered. "Take
+me," I said, "to the battle-pictures, so that I may study my country's
+glories."
+
+"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him immense
+credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open air with seats
+all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators. The performance
+in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot all about the
+pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments of our citizen
+soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The sight was one which
+appealed to our common humanity. My daring, dangerous Yeomanry days
+rose up again before me, and I felt that if ever I had had to bleed
+for my QUEEN I should not have bled untended. Even my companion,
+a scoffer, who had never risen above a full privacy in the Eton
+Volunteers, was strangely moved. There were, I think, ten detachments,
+each provided with a stretcher and a bag containing simple surgical
+appliances. All that was wanted to complete the realism of the picture
+was the boom of the cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of
+musketry. In imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your
+benefit, Sir, in the following short account.
+
+It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours; the
+casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said the
+Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you, JENKINS,
+tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear; BROWN, don't
+blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my soul, THOMPSON,
+you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and re-buckle it at once."
+With such words as these he cheered his men, while to right and left
+the death-dealing missiles sped, on their course. "Stand at ease;
+'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he next shouted. A Corporal at this
+point was cut in two by a ball from, a forty-pounder, but nobody
+paid any heed to him. Stiff, solid, and in perfect line, stood the
+detachments waiting for the word to succour the afflicted. At last it
+came. In the midst of breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed
+their folded stretchers on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them,
+and then with a simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their
+impassive attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good.
+THOMPSON you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful.
+Stand at ease!" and at ease they all stood.
+
+But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless
+heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.
+
+One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about ten
+yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be wounded,
+and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible question arose.
+_Would there be enough to go round?_ I had only counted nine of them,
+which was one short of the necessary complement, but at this supreme
+moment another grievously wounded warrior ran lightly up and lay down
+opposite the tenth detachment. We breathed again.
+
+And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment walked round
+its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at attention, then
+dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself down. All this
+while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and appealing for help
+in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I was, I could be
+restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last everything was in
+order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The detachments marched slowly
+forward, and deposited their stretchers each beside a wounded man.
+Then began a scene of busy bandaging. But not until the whole ten had
+been bound up, legs, arms, heads, feet, fingers &c, was it permissible
+to lift one of them from the cold cold ground which he had bedewed
+with his blood.
+
+"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together. Lift!"
+and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers. More
+play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and then the
+pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in a mournful
+procession round the ground. But when they arrived at the place
+where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all been dead,
+three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant, "how vexing.
+ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all together. Drop 'em!"
+And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun sated with, &c., &c., &c.
+
+I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax figures
+in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the stages
+of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS, I thought
+to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed me that he had
+remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and thither therefore
+we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if either of us ever
+happened to be struck down in battle he would be well looked after by
+an admirably drilled body of men.
+
+I am, Sir,
+Yours as usual,
+LE PETIT SHOWS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the more or
+less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you know
+that I am again visiting friends, though this time on _terra firma_,
+and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest" are once
+more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered that a
+man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for years was to be my
+neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really I cannot understand
+_any one_ asking to their house) with the strangest coloured hair, and
+the most unnaturally dark eyes, was taken in by the host, and called
+"darling" by the hostess. After dinner, which, by reason of the
+"range" being out of order, was of a rather limited type, they all
+played cards. That is a form of amusement I don't like--I can't afford
+it; and this, coupled with the fact that I was not asked to sing,
+somewhat damped my ardour as regards visiting strange houses.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
+when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
+slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors on
+an upper floor were heavily banged. I heard the servants chattering as
+they went down to breakfast. Then there was silence, and once more I
+composed myself to rest, when the dreadest sound of all broke on my
+ear. _The baby began to cry._ Then I gave it up as hopeless, but it
+was with a sensation of being more dead than alive that I crawled down
+to breakfast--late, of course. One is always late the first morning in
+a strange house--one can never find one's things. I bore with my best
+professional smile the hearty chaff of my host (how I hate a hearty
+man the first thing in the morning) and the audible remarks of the
+dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
+my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
+carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
+mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several ensuing
+ones.
+
+I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that she,
+too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a high
+dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the tortures,
+both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads and over
+clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile off;"
+or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and utterly
+uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity and
+patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting; I even
+interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the subject of
+a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those strange
+aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement one
+afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten miles to
+attend a Primrose League _Fête_ in the private grounds of a local
+magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to hear that
+on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling me
+to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned that by my
+sudden departure I should miss the _fête_. I knew, however, that
+the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the objectionable man
+metaphorically threw up her hat.
+
+As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I almost
+vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even as I write,
+an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She writes that she
+has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I will go and stay
+with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air will do me good.
+Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept.
+
+THE ODD GIRL OUT.
+
+FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A.
+
+_Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope)._
+
+DEAR EDITOR,
+
+You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you understand,
+but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends, Mr and Mrs.
+SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position--which is far
+from a secure one,--but no matter), you said to me, YORICK Yotting
+has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was once the life of all
+the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that party now? Where am _I_?
+What is my life on board? Life!--say existence. I rise early; I can't
+help it. I am tubbed on deck: deck'd out in my best towels. So I
+commence the day by going to Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope
+so. I mean it as such.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the land of
+_Hamlet_. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take a humorous
+view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous views." Well, Sir, I
+sent you "_Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight Sun_." pretty humorous I
+think ("more pretty than humorous," you cabled to me at Bergen), and
+since that I have sent you several beautiful works of Art, in return
+for which I received another telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send
+something funny." The last I sent ("_The Church-going Bell_," a
+pretty peasant woman in a boat--"_belle_," you see) struck me as very
+humorous. The idea of people going to Church in a boat!
+
+What was I to do? Well--here at last I send you something which _must_
+be humorous. It looks like it. _Mr. Punch_ driving in Norway, in a
+_cariole. Mr. Punch_ anywhere is humorous; and with TOBY too; though I
+am perfectly aware that TOBY, M.P., is in his place in the House;
+but then TOBY is ubarquitous. That's funny, isn't it?--see "bark"
+substituted for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is
+the sort of "_vürdtwistren_" at which they roar in Sweden.
+
+It's all _très bien_ (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny in
+the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea, sometimes
+up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming over me in the
+middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK!
+
+Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted between
+meals: to which regulation. _I am gradually becoming habituated._ It
+is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult in mid-ocean,
+where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?] I now understand
+what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing the Atlantic."
+There's an awful Depression hanging about the Baltic.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and
+Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking
+Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd rather
+go Elsewhere-inore,--say, Margate.
+
+Think I shall put this in a bottle, cork it up, and send it overboard,
+and you'll get it by Tidal Post. Whether I do this or not depends on
+circumstances over which I may possibly have no control. Anyhow, at
+dinner-time, _I shall ask for the bottle._ When you ask for it, see
+that you get it.
+
+Yours truly,
+JETSAM
+
+_(or Yotting Artist in Black and White). 10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in
+English miles. Longitude 4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount
+of._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EXCELLENT RULE.--We are informed that "extreme ugliness" and "male
+hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications" for the French
+Army. If the same rule only applied to the English House of Commons,
+what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be spared!
+
+[Illustration: A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS.
+
+_The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DYING SWAN.
+
+_(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)_
+
+    "THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'--The QUEEN'S swanherd and the officials
+    of the Dyers' and Vintners' Companies arrived at Windsor
+    yesterday on their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose
+    of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets belonging to HER
+    MAJESTY, and the Companies interested in the preservation of
+    the birds that haunt the stream between London and Henley. It
+    is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing owing
+    to the traffic on the upper reaches of the river, and other
+    causes detrimental to their breeding."--_The Times_.
+
+  I.
+
+  July was wet,--a thing not rare--
+  With sodden ground and chilly air;
+  The sky presented everywhere
+  A low-pitched roof of doleful grey;
+  With a rain-flusht flood the river ran;
+  Adown it floated a dying Swan,
+  And loudly did lament.
+  It was the middle of the day,
+  The "Swanherd" and his men went on,
+  "Nicking" the cygnets as they went.
+
+  II.
+
+  The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose,
+  And white against the cold white sky
+  Shone many a face of those
+  Who o'er the upper reaches swept,
+  On swans and cygnets keeping an eye.
+  Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow
+  Chasing the birds of the jetty bill
+  Through the reed clusters green and still;
+  And through the osier mazes crept
+  Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow.
+
+  III.
+
+  The lone Swan's _requiem_ smote the soul
+  With the reverse of joy.
+  It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer,
+  Dyeing the floods once full and clear;
+  Of launches wildly galumphing by,
+  Washing the banks into hollow and hole;
+  Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near.
+  All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice,
+  With music strange and manifold,
+  Howling out choruses loud and bold
+  As when Bank-holidayites rejoice
+  With concertinas, and the many-holed
+  Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled
+  Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are;
+  And greasy scraps of the _Echo_ or _Star_,
+  Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds,
+  Emitting odours reekingly rank,
+  Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds,
+  And broken bottles invade the reeds,
+  And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug
+  Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank.
+  And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng
+  That sail the upper Thames reaches among,
+  Was prophesied in that plaintive song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOING IT CHEAPLY.
+
+A re-action against the extravagance which marked the entertainments
+of the London Season of 1890 having set in, the following rules and
+regulations will be observed in the Metropolis until further notice.
+
+1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be expected to furnish their
+own plate and linen, and some of the viands and wines to be used at
+the feast.
+
+2. To carry out the above, a _menu_ of the proposed meal will form a
+part of every card of invitation, which will run as follows:--"Mr. and
+Mrs. ---- request the honour of Mr. and Mrs. ----'s company to dinner,
+on ---- when they will kindly bring with them enough for twelve
+persons of the dish marked ---- on the accompanying _Menu_, P.T.O."
+
+3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the supper as a pic-nic, to
+which all the guests are expected to contribute.
+
+4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest will slip into her hand a
+packet containing a sum of money sufficient to defray his or her share
+of the evening's expenses.
+
+5. Ladies making calls at or about five o'clock, will bring with
+them tea, sugar, milk, pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread and
+butter.
+
+6. As no bands will be furnished at evening parties, guests who can
+play will be expected to bring their musical instruments with them.
+N.B. This does not apply to pianofortes on the premises, for which a
+small sum will be charged to those who use them.
+
+7. Should a _cotillon_ be danced, guests will provide their own
+presents, which will become the perquisites of the host and hostess.
+
+8, _and lastly_. Should the above rules, compiled in the interest
+of leaders of Society, be insufficient to keep party-givers from
+appearing in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who have partaken of any
+hospitality will be expected to contribute a gratuity, to enable the
+Official Receiver to declare a small and final dividend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERQUISITES.--"Nice thing to belong to National Liberal Club,"
+observed Mr. G., who didn't dine at that establishment for nothing,
+"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!"
+
+_(Latest Reading.)_
+
+  _Noblesse oblige!_ And what's the obligation,
+  Read in the light of recent demonstration?
+  A member of "our old Nobility"
+  May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy,
+  Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall
+  "Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall;
+  Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name
+  By building hope on sin, and joy on shame;
+  Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness
+  By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness;
+  Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS"
+  By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards!
+  _Noblesse oblige?_ Better crass imbecility
+  Of callow youth--_with_ pluck--than such "nobility"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME-ING.--Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully simple plan of getting a little
+boy to sign an affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at Dr.
+BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that, wherever he might wander, there
+was really no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, may remind
+Dickensian students of a somewhat analogous method apparently adopted
+by _Mr. Squeers_ when, on his welcome return to Dotheboys Hall, he
+publicly announced that "he had seen the parents of some boys, and
+they're so glad to hear how their sons are getting on, that there's
+no prospect at all of their going away, which, of course, is a very
+pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties." The conduct of such
+parents or relatives who send children or permit them to be sent to
+Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where, at all events, they are well
+fed and cared for, bears some resemblance to that of _Graymarsh's_
+maternal aunt, who was "short of money, but sends a tract instead, and
+hopes that _Graymarsh_ will put his trust in Providence," and also
+to that of _Mobb's_ "mother-in-law," who was so disgusted with
+her stepson's conduct (for DICKENS meant step-mother when he wrote
+"mother-in-law"--an odd _lapsus calami_ never subsequently corrected)
+that she "stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money, and had given a
+double-bladed knife with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries, which
+she had bought on purpose for him." We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO--much;
+but we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and guardians, who
+apparently don't know their own minds. In the recent case which was
+sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B. found that he could buy
+GOULD too dear.
+
+SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION!
+
+_(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)_
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent at Breakfast.]
+
+_Samol Plazo_, 8 A.M.--My _plat_ of _egsibaconi_ has just been knocked
+out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man (who
+is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution
+must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything is down,
+something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now going to
+Government House. If I don't get this through, make complaint at the
+Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine.
+
+9 A.M.--Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here. Came
+by a _bussi_, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much used by
+the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the roof of the
+_bussi_ were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside this caused
+me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my destination with the
+remainder. Just seen the President, who says laughingly, that "there
+has been practically nothing but perfect peace and quiet." I doubt
+whether this can be quite the case, as he was sitting in front of
+Government House, which was at that very moment undergoing a vigorous
+bombardment. When I pointed this out to him, he confessed that he had
+noticed it himself, but did not think much of it. He was in excellent
+spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow escape of his
+mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side are progressing.
+If the Post Office people tell you they can't send my telegrams to
+you, refuse to believe them.
+
+[Illustration: Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.]
+
+10 A.M.--As I suspected, from the first, there _has_ been a
+disturbance. I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise
+understand why my _cabbi_ should have been blown into the air, while
+passing through a mined street on the road here. I am now at the
+Head Quarters of the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They
+appear to be very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and
+account for the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would
+naturally blaze away at the biggest target--Government House. So far,
+the disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10
+A.M., but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has
+just been carried away by a new kind of land torpedo.
+
+12, NOON.--I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters. As I
+could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag with
+gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing
+the battery which now masks the remains of what was once
+Government House. The President, after having organised a band of
+_pic-pockettini_ (desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into
+the provinces, declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this
+declaration is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring
+of levity. The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms,
+under the personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who
+deprecates waste in ammunition, and declares that he is bound to the
+President by the tie of the battle-field.
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.]
+
+2 P.M.--Have rejoined the Oniononi, coming hither by ricochet on a
+spent shell. The people are entirely with them, and cheer at every
+fresh evidence of destruction. Found a well-known shopkeeper in
+ecstasies over the ruins of his establishment. He said that, "Although
+the revolution might be bad for trade, it would do good, as things
+wanted waking up." A slaughter of police and railway officials, which
+has just been carried out with infinite spirit, seems to be immensely
+popular. If you don't get this, make immediate complaint. Don't
+accept, as an excuse, that the wires have been cut, and the office
+razed to the ground. They can get it through, if they like.
+
+4 P.M.--Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and buried.
+As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish it under
+reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true, although
+I have my doubts upon the subject.
+
+6 P.M.--It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and
+funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the truth
+of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph
+Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation
+between the contending parties.
+
+8 P.M.--The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted their
+ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending parties
+are now dining together, _al fresco_, as the town is in ruins. Nothing
+more to add save, All's well that ends well!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+WORKMEN'S.
+
+_"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,_ "Have you got
+that half-crown handy?"
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+_"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,_ "It _was_,
+ten minutes ago."
+
+_"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,_ "Kindly give me your close
+attention for twenty-five minutes."
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+_"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;" i.e.,_
+"Awkward toad!"
+
+_"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,_ "That I may avoid
+that dress-maker."
+
+THEATRICAL.
+
+_"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,_ "A cruel
+bad actor--but can't say so."
+
+_"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,_
+"Never saw a worse play--but it may catch on."
+
+_"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud calls;"
+i.e.,_ "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BRAVO, TORO!"--M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in Paris,
+even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite right! But
+if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt--the sort of
+"Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE--he would do good
+service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor fellah, and to
+civilisation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.--The exterior of the recently-opened Hôtel
+Métropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A.,
+is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar
+hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out
+letters patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr.
+SEA-WATERHOUSE, R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels
+Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a
+juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon
+Boys' Hotel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright, _The
+Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux_, that appeared in a Christmas Number of the
+_Illustrated London News_ some years ago? If no one else does, I do,
+says the Baron; and that sensational story was a sensational sell,
+wherein the agony was piled up to the "n'th," and just as the secret
+was about to be disclosed, the only person who knew it, and was on
+the point of revealing it, died. This is the sort of thing that Mr.
+RUDYARD KIPLING has just done in this month's _Lippincott's Magazine_.
+It is told in a plain, rough and ready, blunt style, but so blunt that
+there's no point in it. And the idea,--that is if the idea be that the
+likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's eye,
+and can be reproduced by photography,--is not a novelty. Perhaps
+this story in _Lippincott_ comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING'S
+pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because Editorial
+_Lippincott_ wanted something with the name of the KIPLING, "bright
+and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't
+"merry."
+
+_Black's Guide to Kent_ for 1890, useful in many respects, but not
+quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about the
+splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it speaks of
+Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate as if
+that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an
+old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of
+superior London tradesmen"--"which," says the Baron, "is, to my
+certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of
+the "humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the
+cheap-trippers' season, as if this could possibly be the best time for
+Ramsgate. The _Guide_ knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of
+the Winter attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the
+delightful climate from mid-September to January; of the southern
+aspect; of the pure air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal,
+Sandwich, Ickham, and so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention
+of the Granville Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for
+fishers and shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and
+in the early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and
+make it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who
+love life, and would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron,
+puffing off his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain
+youthful critic, who, in his presence at supper, had been running
+down _Macbeth_, finding fault with the Lyceum production of it,
+and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE for having written it. When he had quite
+finished HENRY IRVING, 'laying low' in his chair at the table,
+adjusted his pince-nez, and, looking straight at the clever young
+gentleman, asked, in the mildest possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you
+ever _read Macbeth?_' So," resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask
+Mr. BLACK'S young man, 'Do you _know_ Ramsgate?' And of course I mean
+the Ramsgate of 1890."
+
+From the specimens of _London City_ that have been sent for inspection
+by Messrs. FIELD & TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing it
+out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially. It
+is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get
+it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become
+subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J.
+LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest
+principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a talented
+draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the games in the City.
+In consequence of some piratical publisher having attempted to bring
+out a work under the same title, intended to deceive even the elect,
+Messrs. FIELD & TUER have secured the copyright of the title _London
+City_, by the ingenious device of publishing, for one farthing each,
+five hundred copies of a miniature pamphlet bearing this title, and
+containing the explanation. The value of these eccentric farthing
+pamphlets may one day be thousands of pounds. _Mem_.--Twopence would
+be well invested in purchasing four of them.
+
+_Salads and Sandwiches_ is an attractive title, specially at this
+season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little
+mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination known
+as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the grocer's,
+recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making, then he
+closes the book, and reads no more that day. This author, who is in
+his salad days, might bring out a book entitled _How to Suck Eggs; or,
+Letters to my Grandmother_. It is a suggestion worth considering, says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES.
+
+  O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest,
+  Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves;
+  For whom do you put on that dainty vest,
+  That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves.
+
+  "_Simplex munditiis_," as HORACE wrote,
+  And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash;
+  To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat,
+  And smile as kindly on another "mash."
+
+  As for myself--I'm old, and look askance
+  At flannels and flirtation; not for me
+  Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance
+  From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)_
+
+I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot move me
+by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude; praise cannot
+unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this last week would
+have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and shrinking diffidence
+which (I say it without egotism) marks me off from the poisonous,
+pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained reptiles who
+disgrace the profession to which I belong. All I wish now to do is
+to point out that _I am the only prophet_ who indicated, without any
+beating about the bush, that _Marvel_ would win the Stewards' Cup
+at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the fact, and my private
+residence has been choked by an avalanche of congratulatory
+despatches, including two or three from some of the highest in the
+land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF says:--"You have me with
+your writings much refreshed. I have the whole revenues of the Grand
+Duchy against one thousand _flaschen_ of lager bier gebetted, and I
+have won him on your noble advice on _Marvel_. I make you Commander of
+the Honigthau Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators
+are not to one country confined--I mean, confined to one country.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup horses? By
+the well-known grammatical figure known as the _hysteroproteron,_
+I mentioned _Marvel_ last, intending, of course, as even a
+buffalo-headed Bedlamite might have seen, that he should be first. And
+he was first. But to make assurance doubly sure, and to bring prophecy
+down to the intellectual level of a bat, I added, in speaking of the
+winner, that he "would certainly be a _Marvel_." I say no more. As the
+great Cardinal once observed to his chief of police, "_Je te verrai
+soufflé d'abord,"_ so I reply to those who wish me to reveal the
+secret of my success. Mr. J. knows it not, and no single member of
+the imbecile, anserous, asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous,
+hugger-mugger purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the
+least conception of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach,
+though I have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who
+desire to _know_, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making."
+Every applicant must send his photograph with his application, not
+necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUR LE TAPIS."--It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an eminent
+firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G. didn't want
+D'OYLY CARPET--no, beg pardon, should have written D'OYLY CARTE to
+have _carte blanche_. [Pretty name this. Is there a BLANCHE CARTE? If
+not, "make it so."]--to do whatever he liked whenever he liked with
+the decorating and upholstering of the theatre. And recently another
+carpet, not in connection with the above firm, created a difficulty.
+What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who likes this sort of
+thing? Nothing. Yet as _amici curiae_, we would have thought that that
+Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept out of Court. Wasn't that a
+Blunder, MAPLE?
+
+[Illustration: THE LOVE LETTER.--A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM NILE TO NEVA.
+
+    ["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve
+    with rigour. And they made their lives bitter with hard
+    bondage."--_Exodus._
+
+    "The Russian Government, by the new edicts legalises
+    persecution, and openly declares war against the Jews of the
+    Empire."--_Times._]
+
+  "BEWARE!" 'Tis a voice from the shades,
+  from the dark of three thousand long years,
+  But it falls like the red blade of RA, and
+  should echo in Tyranny's ears
+  With the terror of overhead thunder; from
+  Nile to the Neva it thrills,
+  And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of
+  the doom of imperious wills.
+  When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone
+  by Orontes, at bay,
+  By the chariots compassed about of the foe
+  who were fierce for the fray,
+  He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES,
+  conquering king;
+  But were there such voice by the Neva to-day,
+  of what now should he sing?
+  Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression
+  belated and vain?
+  Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand
+  from the scourge and the chain;
+  For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and
+  the laureates of tyranny mute,
+  And the whistle of falchion and flail are not
+  set to the chords of the lute.
+  True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of
+  the Pyramid-builders, bows still,
+  For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the
+  Muscovite's merciless will;
+  But four millions of Israel's children are not
+  to be crushed in the path
+  Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great
+  RAMESES flamed in his wrath
+  Alone through their numberless hosts. No,
+  the days of the Titans of Wrong
+  Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the
+  voice of the peoples is strong.
+  Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in
+  pity that rings down the years
+  Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his
+  terrible toil and his tears;
+  Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and,
+  worse, the tax-gathering horde
+  Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid
+  of the stick and the cord;
+  And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the
+  text of the old Coptic Muse,
+  And--one hears the mad rush of the wheels
+  that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues!
+
+  O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with
+  your heel on the Israelite's neck,
+  And your hand on that baleful old blade,
+  Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck
+  The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware!
+  Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom
+  Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river
+  that is but a tomb,
+  Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong.
+  AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts,
+  He the prince of the Coptic police who so
+  harried the Israelite hosts
+  When their lives with hard-bondage were
+  bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try.
+  Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation.
+  Beware, Sire! Put by
+  That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The
+  PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found
+  That it wounds him who wields it; and you,
+  though your victim there, prone on the ground,
+  Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find
+  Persecution a bane
+  Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to
+  o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train.
+  "Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA
+  that whispers the warning from far.
+  Concerning _that_ sword there's a lesson the
+  PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR!
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."--Among the numerous rewards mentioned in the
+_Times_ of last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch, with monogram
+in diamonds, presented by the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally successful
+season, was not mentioned. Most appropriate present from the persons
+up to tune to one who is always up to time. The umble individual who
+writes this paragraph only wishes some company--Italian, French, no
+matter which--would present _him_ with a golden and diamonded watch.
+"O my prophetic soul! My Uncle!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF IT.
+
+  GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite
+  Is bestowed on "free publicity."
+  'Tis the thing that we all strive at,
+  Praise in speech, and hate--in private!
+  Where are pride, reserve, simplicity?
+  Fled for ever--from Publicity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE LIGHT!"--The Berners Hotel Co., with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA
+as Chairman, should at once be advertised as "The G.A.S.-Berners Hotel
+Co.," and, of course, no electric lighting would be used. Mr. SIMS
+REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel Company. So it starts with a
+tenner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD SUMMER. _One Iron Soldier,
+and the Led Captain._
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA.
+
+SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT
+WIELDS IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+No. XII.--CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER.
+
+_(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")_
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+_Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age
+immaterial)._
+
+SCENE--_An Apartment in the house of_ CONRAD'S _Mother, window in
+centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the
+room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street lamps._
+CONRAD _discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain._
+
+_Conrad (watching street)._ Still there! For full an hour he has not
+budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight falls
+upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh, while
+from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister malignant
+eyes--on whom? _(Shuddering.)_ I dare not trust myself to guess! And
+yet--ah, no--it cannot be myself! I am so young--one is still young at
+six!--What man can say that I have injured him? Since, in my Mother's
+absence all the day engaged upon Municipal affairs, I peacefully
+beguile the weary hours by suction of consolatory thumbs. _(Here he
+inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with
+a start.)_ Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more--but draw the
+blind and shut my terror out. _(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage
+lightens.)_ Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home! _(Listening.)_ At
+last. I hear her latchkey in the door!
+
+_Enter_ CONRAD'S Mother, _a lady of strong-minded appearance,
+rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents._
+
+_Conrad's M._ Would, CONRAD, that you were of riper years, so you
+might share your Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her long and
+arduous toil as one of London's County Councillors!
+
+_Conrad._ Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature, one topic still
+can charm my infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated tale. I
+love to hear of that august Assembly _(his Mother lifts her bonnet
+solemnly)_ in which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!
+
+_C's. M. (gratified)._ Learn, CONRAD, then, that, after many months
+of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?) the measure by my
+foresight introduced has triumphed by a bare majority!
+
+_Con._ My bosom thrills with dutiful delight--although I yet for
+information wait as to the scope and purpose of the statute.
+
+_C's. M._ You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it
+should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and you
+shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I advocate the
+sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my efforts every infant's
+toys are carefully inspected once a month--?
+
+_Con. (wearily)._ Nay, Mother, you forget--I _have_ no toys.
+
+_C's. M._ Which brings you under the exemption clause. But--to resume;
+how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed by our Censor,
+and any deviation from the text forbidden under heavy penalties? All
+that you know. Well; with concern of late, I have remarked among our
+infancy the rapid increase of a baneful habit on which I scarce
+can bring my tongue to dwell. _(The Stage darker; blind at back
+illuminated.)_ Oh, CONRAD, there are children--think of it!--so lost
+to every sense of decency that, in mere wantonness or brainless
+sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden thumbs! (CONRAD _starts
+with irrepressible emotion.)_ Forgive me if I shock your innocence!
+_(Sadly.)_ Such things exist--but soon shall cease to be, thanks to
+the measure we have passed to-day!
+
+_Con. (with growing uneasiness)._ But how can statutes check such
+practices?
+
+_C's M. (patting his head)._ Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come
+to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory restraint in
+woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. _I_ saw the evil
+had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted remedies. No; we
+must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill
+appoints a new official, by the style and title of "London County
+Council Scissorman," for the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."
+
+_[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears
+appears upon the blind.]_
+
+_Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap)._ Ah, Mother, see!... the
+scissors!... On the blind!
+
+_C's. M._ Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The shadow of
+his grim insignia should have no terror--save for thumb-suckers.
+
+_Con._ And what for _them_?
+
+_C's. M. (complacently)._ A doom devised by me--the confiscation of
+the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects, for
+those who have no thumbs can err no more.
+
+_[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind_, CONRAD _appearing relieved
+at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet._
+
+_C's M._ Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?
+
+_A Voice._ Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!
+
+_C's M._ 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless calls
+to thank me for the post.
+
+_Con. (with a gloomy determination)._ More like his business, Madam,
+is with--Me!
+
+_C's. M. (suddenly enlightened)._ A Suck-a-thumb?... _you_, CONRAD?
+
+_C. (desperately)._ Ay,--from birth!
+
+_[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking
+is renewed._
+
+_C's. M._ Oh, this is horrible--it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt
+and barricade the door.
+
+[CONRAD _places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone
+of incisive irony._
+
+_Con._ Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus that
+you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own devising.
+Come, your official's waiting--let him in! (C's. M. _shrinks back
+appalled._) So? you refuse!--(_throwing open door_)--then--enter,
+Scissorman!
+
+_[Enter the_ Scissorman, _masked and in red tights, with his hand upon
+the hilt of his shears._
+
+_The S. (in a passionless tone)._ Though sorry to create
+unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman, which my
+own eyes have marked between his lips.
+
+_C's. M. (frantically)._ Thou minion of a meddling tyranny, go
+exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!
+
+_The S. (civilly)._ I've duties here that must be first performed.
+
+_C's. M. (wildly)._ Take my thumbs for his!
+
+_The S._ 'Tis not the law--which is a model of lucidity.
+
+_Con. (calmly)._ Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited, and
+they alone must pay the penalty.
+
+_The S. (with approval)._ Right! Step with me into the outer hall, and
+have the business done without delay.
+
+_C's. M. (throwing herself between them)._ Stay! I'm a
+Councillor--this law was _mine!_ Hereby I do suspend the clause I
+drew.
+
+_The S._ You should have drawn it milder.
+
+_Con._ Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed? [_To_ Sc.]
+Lead on, Sir. _(To his_ Mother _with cold courtesy.)_ Madam,--may I
+trouble you?
+
+_[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the_ S.; _the door
+is shut and fastened from without._ C's. M. _rushes to door which she
+attempts to force without success._
+
+_C's. M._ In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole
+train my tortured ear. _(Listening.)_ Dead silence!... is it over--or,
+to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?... Again! and
+followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!...
+
+_[The door is opened and_ CONRAD _appears, pale but erect,--N.B. The
+whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca"--which,
+however, it exceeds in horror and intensity._
+
+_C's. M._ They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD!
+What?--repulse a Mother's Arms!
+
+_Con. (with chilling composure)._ Yes, Madam, for between us ever
+more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach
+those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back--the
+thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced me
+in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and your
+endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the harm in
+sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw, his paws
+sustain the hibernating bear--and you decree no law to punish
+_them_! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed this most
+ridiculous enactment--its earliest victim your neglected son!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_C's. M. (falling at his feet)._ Say, CONRAD, you will some day pardon
+me?
+
+_Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)_ I will,--the day
+these pollards send forth shoots!
+
+_[His_ Mother _turns aside with a heartbroken wail_; CONRAD _standing
+apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends._
+
+[Illustration: "RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM".
+
+_Colonel North and Lord Dunraven._ "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH.
+WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."]
+
+"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM."
+
+
+  GRANDOLPH _muses_:--"My Kingdom for a horse!"
+  Ah, well!
+  The question is,--which _is_ my Kingdom?
+  I'm bound to own there _is_ a spell
+  In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom,
+  The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew,
+  As DIZZY tells, _I_ feel it too.
+
+  He won brief leadership, who might
+  Have won the Derby! Which was better?
+  There's rapture in a racer's flight,
+  There's rust on the official fetter.
+  Of me the Press tells taradiddles!
+  Well, I do set the fools strange riddles!
+
+  "Fourth Party!" He was no bad start
+  For a new stable, but he's done with.
+  "Tory Democracy!" No heart!
+  But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with.
+  "Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!"
+  My Stable has not lacked variety.
+
+  What does NORTH say? A ragged lot?
+  Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN?
+  Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot.
+  Audacious now, and now half craven.
+  Well, freak's an unexhausted fount.
+  Mentor, can _you_ guess my next mount?
+
+[Illustration: A CAREFUL MAN.
+
+_Host._ "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS GETTING INTO
+YOUR _HEAD_, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Guest._ "No! IT'S NOT MY _HEAD_ I'M AFRAID OF WITH _YOUR_
+CHAMPAGNE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PITHY JAYNE.
+
+    [DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at a Conference of the Girl's
+    Friendly Society, at Chester, said that until they were
+    prepared to introduce basket-making into London Society as a
+    substitute for quadrilles and waltzes, he was not disposed to
+    accept it as an equivalent for balls and dances among girls of
+    other classes.]
+
+AIR.--"_My Pretty Jane_."
+
+  My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  _Punch_ fancies you looked sly
+  When you met them, met them down at Chester,
+  And gave them "one in the eye."
+  Bigotry's waning fast, my boy,
+  But Cant we sometimes hear,
+  And Chester cant is pestilent cant,
+  My Lord, that's pretty clear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Of smiting don't be shy;
+  But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans
+  And tell them it's all my eye.
+
+  'Tis only play, and harmless play,
+  Like kissing in the ring,
+  When lads and lasses of spirits gay
+  Dance like young lambs in Spring.
+  That Spring will wane too fast, alas!
+  But while it yet is here,
+  Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy,
+  The dance to youth so dear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Don't heed the bigot's cry,
+  But meet them, meet them down at Chester
+  And teach them Charity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Turning over fresh Leaves.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 28._--STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL are
+amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House of Lords.
+RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run them pretty close, but come in only
+a good second. Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA rarely go
+beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery
+reserved for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like Babes in the
+Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM, turning over leaves of Orders as if he
+would like to complete the simile by acting the part of the birds.
+To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL leave us forlorn. They have business
+in their own House; been long concerned for interests of State as
+affected by the MARKISS'S persistence in combining office of Premier
+with that of Foreign Secretary.
+
+"It would be too much even for us," said STRATHEDEN, in conversation
+we had before House met; "and," he continued, "though I say it what
+shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement that would be happier or more
+complete than if we undertook the job. What do you say, CAMPBELL?
+Would you be Premier, or would you take the Foreign Seals?"
+
+"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL, gallantly; "at least,
+it is now. When we first started in life we used to call ourselves
+CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so in the _Peerages_ of
+earlier date; now it's the other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
+_pas_."
+
+"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL, said STRATHEDEN; so modest,
+so retiring, so thoughtful! After we'd been known as CAMPBELL and
+STRATHEDEN for good many years, you came to me and said it was my turn
+now. I objected; you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State,
+an object of interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the
+Lords."
+
+"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured to say, edging in a
+word, "for you two fellows to take this strong stand against duality?"
+
+"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL, both together; "we are
+authorities on the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot in his
+single person adequately perform the dual duties pertaining to his
+high offices; therefore we shall go and move our resolution protesting
+against arrangement."
+
+Pretty to see them marching off. Always walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says
+it is a practice adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
+in thinking out deep problems; two of the best and the happiest old
+fellows in the world; their only trouble is that on divisions their
+vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL, in whom hot Cupar blood
+flows, once proposed to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
+STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain of the diplomatic character
+of his grandfather, ABINGER.
+
+_Business done._--In the Lords, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL raised
+question of MARKISS as Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
+Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.
+
+_Tuesday._--Scotch Members had their innings to-night; played a pretty
+stiff game till, at twelve o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used
+to be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new name now; Compensation
+Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary work dragging the wreck
+along.
+
+"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that whatever
+I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
+since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of Budget scheme.
+But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't please 'em. Begin
+to think if there were any other business open for me, should chuck
+this up."
+
+"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL, in harsh
+voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams through life
+as if it were all sunshine. Now cloud Seems to have fallen over his
+expansive person, and he is as gloomy as JOKIM.
+
+[Illustration: Floored by the Carpet.]
+
+"It's all very well for you," he continues, glowering at JOKIM, "to
+complain of your lot; but till you go into the carpet-cleaning line
+you never know what vicissitudes mean. One day, alighting from your
+four-in-hand, and happily able to spare to Tottenham Court Road a few
+moments from direction of national affairs, you look in at your shop;
+enter a lady who says she wants a carpet cleaned. 'Very well' you say
+rubbing your hands, and smiling blandly; 'and what will be the next
+article.' Nothing more. Only this blooming carpet, out of which, when
+the job is finished and it is sent home you make a modest five bob.
+Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince you that the coin
+colloquially known as five bob won't go far to enable you to cut a
+figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give pic-nics in your park to
+the Primrose League, and subscribe to the Canton Fund. However, there
+it is; carpet comes; you send it out in usual way, and what happens?
+Why it blows itself up, kills two boys, lames a man, and then you
+discover that you've been entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000
+which you have to pay. Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?"
+MAPLE-BLUNDELL fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his
+infinite sorrows had never taken that particular turn.
+
+"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me about
+your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the world
+valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off by
+spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in charge, at
+the very moment when it was ready to combust spontaneously."
+
+"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
+stamping on the carpet that covers the Library floor, "we all have
+our troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL and his combustible
+carpet I am able the better to bear the woes I have."
+
+[Illustration: ? ? ?]   _Business done._--In Committee on Local
+Taxation Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--"True, TOBY," OLD MORALITY said, in reply to an
+observation, "I am a little tired, and naturally; things haven't been
+going so well as they did; but I could get along well enough if it
+wasn't for SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous; STORY is strenuous;
+TANNER tedious; and DILLON denunciatory. But there's something about
+SUMMERS that is peculiarly aggravating. In the first place, he is, as
+far as appearances go, such a quiet, amiable, inoffensive young man.
+Looking at him, one would think that butter wouldn't melt in his
+mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages in Malta should keep him awake
+at night, and the question of International Arbitration should lower
+his appetite. Yet you know how it is. He seems to have some leisure
+on his hands; uses it to formulate conundrums; comes down here, and
+propounds them to me. Just look at his list for to-night.
+LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria;
+International Arbitration; Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with
+the view the Cape Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement.
+That pretty well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a
+fresh batch, which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our
+discontent, which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think
+that life would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."
+
+Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally, even at
+worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take kindest view of
+circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS, surveying mankind
+from China to Peru in search of material for fresh conundrum, too much
+for mildest-mannered man. OLD MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness,
+jumps up; hotly declines to reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his
+questions to Ministers to whose Department they belonged.
+
+_Business done._--Local Taxation Bill through Committee.
+
+_Friday._--Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just now
+amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly; pounding
+away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore, for the
+fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief of
+school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for
+fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment; when
+suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his knuckles
+into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never seen a
+piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when he recovers
+breath, goes and tells the Master--I mean the SPEAKER. SPEAKER says
+HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT subsides, and
+incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.
+
+A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
+for _Hansard_ portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
+affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
+falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then," said RAIKES,
+with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish the Noble Lord
+had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification." COMPTON
+refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.
+
+"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one almost
+goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
+falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see him
+in his true light now." _Business done._--A good deal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPORTING STYLE.
+
+Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on
+the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be
+remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to be
+haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to be vain
+and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of every
+branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style is
+always immensely effective. All the pot—boys of the Metropolis, most
+of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the patrons
+of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it cannot
+fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs.
+_Second Example._--Event to be commented on: A Regatta.
+
+I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy twaddle in
+the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually taken place. The
+effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who direct this gathering
+endeavour year after year to make the world believe that theirs is
+the only meeting at which honour has the least chance of bursting
+into flower. I have my own opinions on this point. Really, these tenth
+transmitters of foolish faces become more and more brazen in their
+attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny, tin-pot,
+one-horse Regatta as the combination of all the cardinal virtues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute
+the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world will
+acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer the
+straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant to the
+tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification
+in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems
+to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would,
+doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with
+one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those who
+know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that I would
+attend this Regatta _pour rire_. But I know enough to be sure that the
+Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs on the minus
+side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing must be in a
+bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the mark!) than
+those who last week aired their incompetence, and impeded the traffic
+of the people upon the Thames. Time was when an oarsman was an
+oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between a Belgravian flunkey
+and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to say on an unsavoury
+matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12825-8.txt or 12825-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/2/12825/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/12825-8.zip b/old/12825-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6ef574a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-8.zip
diff --git a/old/12825-h.zip b/old/12825-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..65d0cd6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h.zip
diff --git a/old/12825-h/12825-h.htm b/old/12825-h/12825-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bb331e1
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/12825-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2218 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+  <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+  <title>Punch, August 9, 1890.</title>
+
+  <style type="text/css">
+  <!--
+      body {
+    margin-left: 10%;
+    margin-right: 10%;
+    }
+    p {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    blockquote {
+    text-align : justify;
+    }
+    h1 , h2 , h3 , h4 , h5 , h6 {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    pre {
+    font-size : 0.7em;
+    }
+    hr {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    html > body hr {
+    margin-right : 25%;
+    margin-left : 25%;
+    width : 50%;
+    }
+    hr.full {
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.full {
+    margin-right : 0%;
+    margin-left : 0%;
+    width : 100%;
+    }
+    hr.short {
+    text-align : center;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    html > body hr.short {
+    margin-right : 40%;
+    margin-left : 40%;
+    width : 20%;
+    }
+    .author {
+    text-align : right;
+    margin-right : 5%;
+    margin-top : 0em;
+    }
+    .bracket {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    text-indent : -2em;
+    }
+    .center {
+    text-align : center;
+    }
+    .note {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    font-size : 0.9em;
+    }
+    .scene {
+    margin-left : 5%;
+    text-indent : -1.5em;
+    }
+    span.pagenum {
+    position : absolute;
+    left : 1%;
+    right : 91%;
+    font-size : 8pt;
+    }
+    .poem {
+    margin-left : 10%;
+    margin-right : 10%;
+    margin-bottom : 1em;
+    text-align : left;
+    }
+    .poem .stanza {
+    margin : 1em 0;
+    }
+    .poem p {
+    margin : 0;
+    padding-left : 3em;
+    text-indent : -3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i2 {
+    margin-left : 1em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i4 {
+    margin-left : 2em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i6 {
+    margin-left : 3em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i8 {
+    margin-left : 4em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i10 {
+    margin-left : 5em;
+    }
+    .poem p.i16 {
+    margin-left : 8em;
+    }
+    .figure , .figcenter , .figright , .figleft {
+    padding : 1em;
+    margin : 0;
+    text-align : center;
+    font-size : 0.8em;
+    }
+    .figure img , .figcenter img , .figright img , .figleft img {
+    border : none;
+    }
+    .figure p , .figcenter p , .figright p , .figleft p {
+    margin : 0;
+    text-indent : 1em;
+    }
+    .figcenter {
+    margin : auto;
+    }
+    .figright {
+    float : right;
+    }
+    .figleft {
+    float : left;
+    }
+  -->
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, August 9, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 5, 2004 [EBook #12825]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Vol. 99.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+  <h2>August 9, 1890.</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page61" id="page61"></a>[pg 61]</span>
+
+<h2>FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Sir,&mdash;I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according
+to your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If
+anything besides your instructions and the general appropriateness
+of the occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it
+would have been found in the fact that
+I formerly served my country in a
+Yeomanry Regiment. I shall never forget
+the glorious occasions on which I
+wore a cavalry uniform, and induced
+some of my best friends to believe I had
+gone to the dogs and enlisted. However,
+to relate my Yeomanry adventures,
+which included a charge by six of us
+upon a whole army, would be to stray
+from my point, which is to describe
+what I saw at the Military Exhibition.
+I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout,
+a mere strain) and took a friend, an
+amiable young man, with me to lean upon.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/061-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/061-1.png" alt="Yeoman with Umbrella" /></a></div>
+
+<p>"There's one place I really <i>do</i> know,"
+he had said to me, "and that's this
+bally place."</p>
+
+<p>I therefore felt I was safe with him.
+We arrived. We entered. "Take me," I said, "to the battle-pictures,
+so that I may study my country's glories."</p>
+
+<p>"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him
+immense credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open
+air with seats all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators.
+The performance in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot
+all about the pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments
+of our citizen soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The
+sight was one which appealed to our common humanity. My daring,
+dangerous Yeomanry days rose up again before me, and I felt that
+if ever I had had to bleed for my QUEEN I should not have bled
+untended. Even my companion, a scoffer, who had never risen
+above a full privacy in the Eton Volunteers, was strangely moved.
+There were, I think, ten detachments, each provided with a stretcher
+and a bag containing simple surgical appliances. All that was
+wanted to complete the realism of the picture was the boom of the
+cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of musketry. In
+imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your benefit,
+Sir, in the following short account.</p>
+
+<p>It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours;
+the casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said
+the Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you,
+JENKINS, tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear;
+BROWN, don't blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my
+soul, THOMPSON, you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and
+re-buckle it at once." With such words as these he cheered his
+men, while to right and left the death-dealing missiles sped, on
+their course. "Stand at ease; 'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he
+next shouted. A Corporal at this point was cut in two by a ball
+from, a forty-pounder, but nobody paid any heed to him. Stiff,
+solid, and in perfect line, stood the detachments waiting for the
+word to succour the afflicted. At last it came. In the midst of
+breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed their folded stretchers
+on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them, and then with a
+simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their impassive
+attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good. THOMPSON
+you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful. Stand
+at ease!" and at ease they all stood.</p>
+
+<p>But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless
+heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.</p>
+
+<p>One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about
+ten yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be
+wounded, and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible
+question arose. <i>Would there be enough to go round?</i> I had only
+counted nine of them, which was one short of the necessary complement,
+but at this supreme moment another grievously wounded
+warrior ran lightly up and lay down opposite the tenth detachment.
+We breathed again.</p>
+
+<p>And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment
+walked round its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at
+attention, then dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself
+down. All this while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and
+appealing for help in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I
+was, I could be restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last
+everything was in order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The
+detachments marched slowly forward, and deposited their stretchers
+each beside a wounded man. Then began a scene of busy bandaging.
+But not until the whole ten had been bound up, legs, arms, heads,
+feet, fingers &amp;c, was it permissible to lift one of them from the
+cold cold ground which he had bedewed with his blood.</p>
+
+<p>"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together.
+Lift!" and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers.
+More play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and
+then the pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in
+a mournful procession round the ground. But when they arrived at
+the place where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all
+been dead, three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant,
+"how vexing. ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all
+together. Drop 'em!" And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun
+sated with, &amp;c., &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax
+figures in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the
+stages of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS,
+I thought to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed
+me that he had remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and
+thither therefore we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if
+either of us ever happened to be struck down in battle he would be
+well looked after by an admirably drilled body of men.</p>
+<p>I am, Sir,<br />
+Yours as usual,</p>
+<p class="author">LE PETIT SHOWS.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST
+AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,</p>
+
+<p>Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the
+more or less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you
+know that I am again visiting friends, though this time on <i>terra
+firma</i>, and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest"
+are once more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered
+that a man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for
+years was to be my neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really
+I cannot understand <i>any one</i> asking to their house) with the
+strangest coloured hair, and the most unnaturally dark eyes, was
+taken in by the host, and called "darling" by the hostess. After
+dinner, which, by reason of the "range" being out of order, was of
+a rather limited type, they all played cards. That is a form of
+amusement I don't like&mdash;I can't afford it; and this, coupled with
+the fact that I was not asked to sing, somewhat damped my ardour
+as regards visiting strange houses.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/061-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/061-2.png" alt="The Odd Girl Out" /></a></div>
+
+<p>A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
+when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
+slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors
+on an upper floor were heavily banged. I
+heard the servants chattering as they went
+down to breakfast. Then there was silence,
+and once more I composed myself to rest, when
+the dreadest sound of all broke on my ear.
+<i>The baby began to cry.</i> Then I gave it up as
+hopeless, but it was with a sensation of being
+more dead than alive that I crawled down to
+breakfast&mdash;late, of course. One is always late
+the first morning in a strange house&mdash;one can
+never find one's things. I bore with my best
+professional smile the hearty chaff of my host
+(how I hate a hearty man the first thing in
+the morning) and the audible remarks of the
+dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
+my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
+carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
+mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several
+ensuing ones.</p>
+
+<p>I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that
+she, too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a
+high dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the
+tortures, both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads
+and over clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile
+off;" or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and
+utterly uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity
+and patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting;
+I even interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the
+subject of a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those
+strange aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement
+one afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten
+miles to attend a Primrose League <i>Fête</i> in the private grounds of a
+local magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to
+hear that on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling
+me to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned
+that by my sudden departure I should miss the <i>fête</i>. I knew, however,
+that the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the
+objectionable man metaphorically threw up her hat.</p>
+
+<p>As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I
+almost vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even
+as I write, an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She
+writes that she has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I
+will go and stay with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air
+will do me good. Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept.</p>
+
+<p class="author">THE ODD GIRL OUT.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page62" id="page62"></a>[pg 62]</span>
+
+<h2>FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope).</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+DEAR EDITOR,</p>
+
+<p>You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you
+understand, but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends,
+Mr and Mrs. SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position&mdash;which
+is far from a secure one,&mdash;but no matter), you said to me,
+YORICK Yotting has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was
+once the life of all the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that
+party now? Where am <i>I</i>? What is my life on board? Life!&mdash;say
+existence. I rise early; I can't help it. I am tubbed on deck:
+deck'd out in my best towels. So I commence the day by going to
+Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope so. I mean it as such.]</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/062-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/062-1.png" alt="Mr. Punch and Toby in a Cariole" /></a></div>
+
+<p>"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the
+land of <i>Hamlet</i>. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take
+a humorous view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous
+views." Well, Sir, I sent you "<i>Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight
+Sun</i>." pretty humorous I think ("more pretty than humorous," you
+cabled to me at Bergen), and since that I have sent you several
+beautiful works of Art, in return for which I received another
+telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send something funny."
+The last I sent ("<i>The Church-going Bell</i>," a pretty peasant woman
+in a boat&mdash;"<i>belle</i>," you see) struck me as very humorous. The idea
+of people going to Church in a boat!</p>
+
+<p>What was I to do?
+Well&mdash;here at last I
+send you something
+which <i>must</i> be
+humorous. It looks
+like it. <i>Mr. Punch</i>
+driving in Norway,
+in a <i>cariole. Mr.
+Punch</i> anywhere is
+humorous; and with
+TOBY too; though I
+am perfectly aware
+that TOBY, M.P., is
+in his place in the
+House; but then
+TOBY is ubarquitous.
+That's funny, isn't
+it?&mdash;see "bark" substituted
+for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is
+the sort of "<i>vürdtwistren</i>" at which they roar in Sweden.</p>
+
+<p>It's all <i>très bien</i> (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny
+in the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea,
+sometimes up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming
+over me in the middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK!</p>
+
+<p>Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted
+between meals: to which regulation. <i>I am gradually becoming
+habituated.</i> It is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult
+in mid-ocean, where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?]
+I now understand what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing
+the Atlantic." There's an awful Depression hanging about the
+Baltic.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:70%;"><a href="images/062-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/062-2.png" alt="Sketch of Elsinore" /></a></div>
+
+<p>I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and
+Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking
+Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd
+rather go Elsewhere-inore,&mdash;say, Margate.</p>
+
+<p>Think I shall put
+this in a bottle, cork
+it up, and send it
+overboard, and you'll
+get it by Tidal Post.
+Whether I do this or
+not depends on circumstances
+over which
+I may possibly have
+no control. Anyhow,
+at dinner-time, <i>I shall
+ask for the bottle.</i>
+When you ask for it,
+see that you get it.</p>
+
+<p>Yours truly,</p>
+
+<p class="author">JETSAM<br />
+<i>(or Yotting Artist in Black and White).</i></p>
+<p><i>10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in English miles. Longitude
+4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount of.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<p>AN EXCELLENT RULE.&mdash;We are informed that "extreme ugliness"
+and "male hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications"
+for the French Army. If the same rule only applied to the English
+House of Commons, what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be
+spared!</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page63" id="page63"></a>[pg 63]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/063.png"><img width="100%" src="images/063.png" alt="A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS" /></a><h3>A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS.</h3>
+<i>The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."</i></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE DYING SWAN.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)</i></p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'&mdash;The QUEEN'S
+swanherd and the officials of the Dyers' and Vintners'
+Companies arrived at Windsor yesterday on
+their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose
+of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets
+belonging to HER MAJESTY, and the Companies
+interested in the preservation of the birds that
+haunt the stream between London and Henley. It
+is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing
+owing to the traffic on the upper reaches
+of the river, and other causes detrimental to their
+breeding."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">I.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">July was wet,&mdash;a thing not rare&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">With sodden ground and chilly air;</p>
+<p class="i2">The sky presented everywhere</p>
+<p class="i4">A low-pitched roof of doleful grey;</p>
+<p class="i2">With a rain-flusht flood the river ran;</p>
+<p class="i2">Adown it floated a dying Swan,</p>
+<p class="i4">And loudly did lament.</p>
+<p class="i2">It was the middle of the day,</p>
+<p class="i2">The "Swanherd" and his men went on,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Nicking" the cygnets as they went.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">II.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose,</p>
+<p class="i2">And white against the cold white sky</p>
+<p class="i2">Shone many a face of those</p>
+<p class="i4">Who o'er the upper reaches swept,</p>
+<p class="i2">On swans and cygnets keeping an eye.</p>
+<p class="i2">Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow</p>
+<p class="i4">Chasing the birds of the jetty bill</p>
+<p class="i4">Through the reed clusters green and still;</p>
+<p class="i4">And through the osier mazes crept</p>
+<p class="i2">Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">III.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">The lone Swan's <i>requiem</i> smote the soul</p>
+<p class="i2">With the reverse of joy.</p>
+<p class="i2">It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dyeing the floods once full and clear;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of launches wildly galumphing by,</p>
+<p class="i2">Washing the banks into hollow and hole;</p>
+<p class="i2">Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near.</p>
+<p class="i2">All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice,</p>
+<p class="i2">With music strange and manifold,</p>
+<p class="i2">Howling out choruses loud and bold</p>
+<p class="i2">As when Bank-holidayites rejoice</p>
+<p class="i2">With concertinas, and the many-holed</p>
+<p class="i2">Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled</p>
+<p class="i2">Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are;</p>
+<p class="i2">And greasy scraps of the <i>Echo</i> or <i>Star</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">Emitting odours reekingly rank,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">And broken bottles invade the reeds,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug</p>
+<p class="i2">Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank.</p>
+<p class="i2">And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng</p>
+<p class="i2">That sail the upper Thames reaches among,</p>
+<p class="i2">Was prophesied in that plaintive song.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DOING IT CHEAPLY.</h3>
+
+<p>A re-action against the extravagance
+which marked the entertainments of the
+London Season of 1890 having set in, the following
+rules and regulations will be observed
+in the Metropolis until further notice.</p>
+
+<p>1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be
+expected to furnish their own plate and linen,
+and some of the viands and wines to be used
+at the feast.</p>
+
+<p>2. To carry out the above, a <i>menu</i> of the
+proposed meal will form a part of every card
+of invitation, which will run as follows:&mdash;"Mr.
+and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; request the honour of
+Mr. and Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;'s company to dinner, on
+&mdash;&mdash; when they will kindly bring with them
+enough for twelve persons of the dish marked
+&mdash;&mdash; on the accompanying <i>Menu</i>, P.T.O."</p>
+
+<p>3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the
+supper as a pic-nic, to which all the guests
+are expected to contribute.</p>
+
+<p>4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest
+will slip into her hand a packet containing a
+sum of money sufficient to defray his or her
+share of the evening's expenses.</p>
+
+<p>5. Ladies making calls at or about five
+o'clock, will bring with them tea, sugar, milk,
+pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread
+and butter.</p>
+
+<p>6. As no bands will be furnished at evening
+parties, guests who can play will be expected
+to bring their musical instruments
+with them. N.B. This does not apply to
+pianofortes on the premises, for which a small
+sum will be charged to those who use them.</p>
+
+<p>7. Should a <i>cotillon</i> be danced, guests will
+provide their own presents, which will become
+the perquisites of the host and hostess.</p>
+
+<p>8, <i>and lastly</i>. Should the above rules, compiled
+in the interest of leaders of Society, be
+insufficient to keep party-givers from appearing
+in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who
+have partaken of any hospitality will be expected
+to contribute a gratuity, to enable the
+Official Receiver to declare a small and final
+dividend.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>PERQUISITES.&mdash;"Nice thing to belong to
+National Liberal Club," observed Mr. G., who
+didn't dine at that establishment for nothing,
+"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!"</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Latest Reading.)</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2"><i>Noblesse oblige!</i> And what's the obligation,</p>
+<p class="i2">Read in the light of recent demonstration?</p>
+<p class="i2">A member of "our old Nobility"</p>
+<p class="i2">May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall</p>
+<p class="i2">"Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall;</p>
+<p class="i2">Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name</p>
+<p class="i2">By building hope on sin, and joy on shame;</p>
+<p class="i2">Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness</p>
+<p class="i2">By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness;</p>
+<p class="i2">Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS"</p>
+<p class="i2">By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards!</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Noblesse oblige?</i> Better crass imbecility</p>
+<p class="i2">Of callow youth&mdash;<i>with</i> pluck&mdash;than such "nobility"!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>HOME-ING.&mdash;Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully
+simple plan of getting a little boy to sign an
+affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at
+Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that,
+wherever he might wander, there was really
+no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home,
+may remind Dickensian students of a somewhat
+analogous method apparently adopted
+by <i>Mr. Squeers</i> when, on his welcome return
+to Dotheboys Hall, he publicly announced
+that "he had seen the parents of some boys,
+and they're so glad to hear how their sons
+are getting on, that there's no prospect at all
+of their going away, which, of course, is a very
+pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties."
+The conduct of such parents or relatives
+who send children or permit them to be sent
+to Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where,
+at all events, they are well fed and cared for,
+bears some resemblance to that of <i>Graymarsh's</i>
+maternal aunt, who was "short of money,
+but sends a tract instead, and hopes that
+<i>Graymarsh</i> will put his trust in Providence,"
+and also to that of <i>Mobb's</i> "mother-in-law,"
+who was so disgusted with her stepson's conduct
+(for DICKENS meant step-mother when he
+wrote "mother-in-law"&mdash;an odd <i>lapsus
+calami</i> never subsequently corrected) that she
+"stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money,
+and had given a double-bladed knife
+with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries,
+which she had bought on purpose for him."
+We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO&mdash;much; but
+we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and
+guardians, who apparently don't know their
+own minds. In the recent case which was
+sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B.
+found that he could buy GOULD too dear.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page64" id="page64"></a>[pg 64]</span>
+
+<h2>SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION!</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)</i></p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/064-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-1.png" alt="Our Correspondent at Breakfast" /></a>Our Correspondent at Breakfast.</div>
+
+<p><i>Samol Plazo</i>, 8 A.M.&mdash;My <i>plat</i> of <i>egsibaconi</i> has just been knocked
+out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man
+(who is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution
+must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything
+is down, something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now
+going to Government House. If I don't get this through, make
+complaint at the Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine.</p>
+
+<p>9 A.M.&mdash;Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here.
+Came by a <i>bussi</i>, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much
+used by the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the
+roof of the <i>bussi</i> were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside
+this caused me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my
+destination with the remainder. Just seen the President, who says
+laughingly, that
+"there has been
+practically nothing
+but perfect
+peace and quiet."
+I doubt whether
+this can be quite
+the case, as he was
+sitting in front of
+Government
+House, which was
+at that very moment
+undergoing
+a vigorous bombardment.
+When
+I pointed this out
+to him, he confessed
+that he had
+noticed it himself,
+but did not think
+much of it. He
+was in excellent spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow
+escape of his mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side
+are progressing. If the Post Office people tell you they can't send
+my telegrams to you, refuse to believe them.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/064-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-2.png" alt="Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent" /></a>Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.</div>
+
+<p>10 A.M.&mdash;As I suspected, from the first, there <i>has</i> been a disturbance.
+I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise understand why my
+<i>cabbi</i> should have been blown into the air, while passing through a
+mined street on the road here. I am now at the Head Quarters of
+the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They appear to be
+very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and account for
+the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would naturally
+blaze away at the biggest target&mdash;Government House. So far, the
+disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10 A.M.,
+but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has just been
+carried away by a new kind of land torpedo.</p>
+
+<p>12, NOON.&mdash;I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters.
+As I could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag
+with gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing
+the battery which now masks the remains of what was once Government
+House. The President, after having organised a band of <i>pic-pockettini</i>
+(desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into the provinces,
+declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this declaration
+is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring of levity.
+The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms, under the
+personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who deprecates
+waste in ammunition, and
+declares that he is bound to
+the President by the tie of
+the battle-field.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/064-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/064-3.png" alt="Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position" /></a>Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.</div>
+
+<p>2 P.M.&mdash;Have rejoined the
+Oniononi, coming hither by
+ricochet on a spent shell.
+The people are entirely with
+them, and cheer at every
+fresh evidence of destruction.
+Found a well-known
+shopkeeper in ecstasies over
+the ruins of his establishment.
+He said that, "Although
+the revolution might
+be bad for trade, it would
+do good, as things wanted
+waking up." A slaughter of
+police and railway officials,
+which has just been carried
+out with infinite spirit,
+seems to be immensely
+popular. If you don't get
+this, make immediate complaint. Don't accept, as an excuse, that
+the wires have been cut, and the office razed to the ground. They
+can get it through, if they like.</p>
+
+<p>4 P.M.&mdash;Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and
+buried. As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish
+it under reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true,
+although I have my doubts upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>6 P.M.&mdash;It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and
+funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the
+truth of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph
+Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation
+between the contending parties.</p>
+
+<p>8 P.M.&mdash;The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted
+their ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending
+parties are now dining together, <i>al fresco</i>, as the town is
+in ruins. Nothing more to add save, All's well that ends well!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h3>
+
+<h4>WORKMEN'S.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,</i> "Have
+you got that half-crown handy?"</p>
+
+<h4>IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,</i> "It <i>was</i>,
+ten minutes ago."</p>
+
+<p><i>"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,</i> "Kindly give me your
+close attention for twenty-five minutes."</p>
+
+<h4>SOCIAL.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;"
+i.e.,</i> "Awkward toad!"</p>
+
+<p><i>"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,</i> "That I may
+avoid that dress-maker."</p>
+
+<h4>THEATRICAL.</h4>
+
+<p><i>"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,</i>
+"A cruel bad actor&mdash;but can't say so."</p>
+
+<p><i>"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,</i>
+"Never saw a worse play&mdash;but it may catch on."</p>
+
+<p><i>"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud
+calls;" i.e.,</i> "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"BRAVO, TORO!"&mdash;M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in
+Paris, even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite
+right! But if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt&mdash;the
+sort of "Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE&mdash;he
+would do good service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor
+fellah, and to civilisation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.&mdash;The exterior of the recently-opened Hôtel
+Métropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A.,
+is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar
+hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out letters
+patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr. SEA-WATERHOUSE,
+R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels
+Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a
+juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon
+Boys' Hotel.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page65" id="page65"></a>[pg 65]</span>
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/065-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-1.png" alt="Man Under Book" /></a></div>
+
+<p>Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright,
+<i>The Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux</i>, that appeared in a Christmas
+Number of the <i>Illustrated London News</i> some years ago? If no
+one else does, I do, says the Baron; and that sensational story was
+a sensational sell, wherein
+the agony was piled up to
+the "n<sup>th</sup>," and just as the
+secret was about to be disclosed,
+the only person who
+knew it, and was on the
+point of revealing it, died.
+This is the sort of thing
+that Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING
+has just done in this month's
+<i>Lippincott's Magazine</i>. It
+is told in a plain, rough and
+ready, blunt style, but so
+blunt that there's no point in it. And the idea,&mdash;that is if the idea
+be that the likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's
+eye, and can be reproduced by photography,&mdash;is not a novelty.
+Perhaps this story in <i>Lippincott</i> comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD
+KIPLING'S pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because
+Editorial <i>Lippincott</i> wanted something with the name of the KIPLING,
+"bright and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't "merry."</p>
+
+<p><i>Black's Guide to Kent</i> for 1890, useful in many respects, but
+not quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about
+the splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it
+speaks of Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate
+as if that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an
+old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of
+superior London tradesmen"&mdash;"which," says the Baron, "is, to my
+certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of the
+"humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the cheap-trippers'
+season, as if this could possibly be the best time for Ramsgate.
+The <i>Guide</i> knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of the Winter
+attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the delightful climate
+from mid-September to January; of the southern aspect; of the pure
+air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal, Sandwich, Ickham, and
+so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention of the Granville
+Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for fishers and
+shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and in the
+early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and make
+it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who love life, and
+would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron, puffing off
+his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain youthful critic,
+who, in his presence at supper, had been running down <i>Macbeth</i>, finding
+fault with the Lyceum production of it, and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE
+for having written it. When he had quite finished HENRY IRVING,
+'laying low' in his chair at the table, adjusted his pince-nez, and,
+looking straight at the clever young gentleman, asked, in the mildest
+possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you ever <i>read Macbeth?</i>' So,"
+resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask Mr. BLACK'S young man,
+'Do you <i>know</i> Ramsgate?' And of course I mean the Ramsgate
+of 1890."</p>
+
+<p>From the specimens of <i>London City</i> that have been sent for inspection
+by Messrs. FIELD &amp; TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing
+it out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially.
+It is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get
+it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become
+subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J.
+LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest
+principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a
+talented draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the
+games in the City. In consequence of some piratical publisher
+having attempted to bring out a work under the same title, intended
+to deceive even the elect, Messrs. FIELD &amp; TUER have secured
+the copyright of the title <i>London City</i>, by the ingenious device of
+publishing, for one farthing each, five hundred copies of a miniature
+pamphlet bearing this title, and containing the explanation. The
+value of these eccentric farthing pamphlets may one day be thousands
+of pounds. <i>Mem</i>.&mdash;Twopence would be well invested in purchasing
+four of them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Salads and Sandwiches</i> is an attractive title, specially at this
+season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little
+mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination
+known as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the
+grocer's, recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making,
+then he closes the book, and reads no more that day. This
+author, who is in his salad days, might bring out a book entitled <i>How
+to Suck Eggs; or, Letters to my Grandmother</i>. It is a suggestion
+worth considering, says</p>
+
+<p class="author">THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/065-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-2.png" alt="Woman and Youth with Oar" /></a></div>
+
+<h3>TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest,</p>
+<p class="i4">Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves;</p>
+<p class="i2">For whom do you put on that dainty vest,</p>
+<p class="i4">That sky-blue ribbon and those <i>gigot</i> sleeves.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"<i>Simplex munditiis</i>," as HORACE wrote,</p>
+<p class="i4">And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash;</p>
+<p class="i2">To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat,</p>
+<p class="i4">And smile as kindly on another "mash."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">As for myself&mdash;I'm old, and look askance</p>
+<p class="i4">At flannels and flirtation; not for me</p>
+<p class="i2">Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance</p>
+<p class="i4">From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>IN THE KNOW.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)</i></p>
+
+<p>I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot
+move me by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude;
+praise cannot unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this
+last week would have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and
+shrinking diffidence which (I say it without egotism) marks me off
+from the poisonous, pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained
+reptiles who disgrace the profession to which I belong. All
+I wish now to do is to point out that <i>I am the only prophet</i> who indicated,
+without any beating about the bush, that <i>Marvel</i> would win
+the Stewards' Cup at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the
+fact, and my private residence has been choked by an avalanche of
+congratulatory despatches, including two or three from some of the
+highest in the land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF
+says:&mdash;"You have me with your writings much refreshed. I have
+the whole revenues of the Grand Duchy against one thousand
+<i>flaschen</i> of lager bier gebetted, and I have won him on your noble
+advice on <i>Marvel</i>. I make you Commander of the Honigthau
+Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators are not to
+one country confined&mdash;I mean, confined to one country.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:30%;"><a href="images/065-3.png"><img width="100%" src="images/065-3.png" alt="Mr. Punch and Prophet" /></a></div>
+
+<p>What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup
+horses? By the well-known grammatical
+figure known as the <i>hysteroproteron,</i>
+I mentioned <i>Marvel</i>
+last, intending, of course, as even
+a buffalo-headed Bedlamite might
+have seen, that he should be first.
+And he was first. But to make
+assurance doubly sure, and to bring
+prophecy down to the intellectual
+level of a bat, I added, in speaking
+of the winner, that he "would
+certainly be a <i>Marvel</i>." I say no
+more. As the great Cardinal once
+observed to his chief of police, "<i>Je
+te verrai soufflé d'abord,"</i> so I
+reply to those who wish me to reveal
+the secret of my success. Mr.
+J. knows it not, and no single
+member of the imbecile, anserous,
+asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous, hugger-mugger
+purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the least conception
+of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach, though I
+have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who desire
+to <i>know</i>, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making." Every
+applicant must send his photograph with his application, not
+necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"SUR LE TAPIS."&mdash;It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an
+eminent firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G.
+didn't want D'OYLY CARPET&mdash;no, beg pardon, should have written
+D'OYLY CARTE to have <i>carte blanche</i>. [Pretty name this. Is there
+a BLANCHE CARTE? If not, "make it so."]&mdash;to do whatever he liked
+whenever he liked with the decorating and upholstering of the theatre.
+And recently another carpet, not in connection with the above firm,
+created a difficulty. What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who
+likes this sort of thing? Nothing. Yet as <i>amici curiae</i>, we would
+have thought that that Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept
+out of Court. Wasn't that a Blunder, MAPLE?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page66" id="page66"></a>[pg 66]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/066.png"><img width="100%" src="images/066.png" alt="The Love Letter--A Study of Indiscretion" /></a>
+<h3>THE LOVE LETTER.&mdash;A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.</h3></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>FROM NILE TO NEVA.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class="note">
+["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel
+to serve with rigour. And they made their lives
+bitter with hard bondage."&mdash;<i>Exodus.</i></p>
+
+<p class="note">"The Russian Government, by the new edicts
+legalises persecution, and openly declares war
+against the Jews of the Empire."&mdash;<i>Times.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Beware!" 'Tis a voice from the shades,</p>
+<p class="i4">from the dark of three thousand long years,</p>
+<p class="i2">But it falls like the red blade of RA, and</p>
+<p class="i4">should echo in Tyranny's ears</p>
+<p class="i2">With the terror of overhead thunder; from</p>
+<p class="i4">Nile to the Neva it thrills,</p>
+<p class="i2">And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of</p>
+<p class="i4">the doom of imperious wills.</p>
+<p class="i2">When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone</p>
+<p class="i4">by Orontes, at bay,</p>
+<p class="i2">By the chariots compassed about of the foe</p>
+<p class="i4">who were fierce for the fray,</p>
+<p class="i2">He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES,</p>
+<p class="i4">conquering king;</p>
+<p class="i2">But were there such voice by the Neva to-day,</p>
+<p class="i4">of what now should he sing?</p>
+<p class="i2">Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression</p>
+<p class="i4">belated and vain?</p>
+<p class="i2">Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand</p>
+<p class="i4">from the scourge and the chain;</p>
+<p class="i2">For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and</p>
+<p class="i4">the laureates of tyranny mute,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the whistle of falchion and flail are not</p>
+<p class="i4">set to the chords of the lute.</p>
+<p class="i2">True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of</p>
+<p class="i4">the Pyramid-builders, bows still,</p>
+<p class="i2">For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the</p>
+<p class="i4">Muscovite's merciless will;</p>
+<p class="i2">But four millions of Israel's children are not</p>
+<p class="i4">to be crushed in the path</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great</p>
+<p class="i4">RAMESES flamed in his wrath</p>
+<p class="i2">Alone through their numberless hosts. No,</p>
+<p class="i4">the days of the Titans of Wrong</p>
+<p class="i2">Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the</p>
+<p class="i4">voice of the peoples is strong.</p>
+<p class="i2">Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in</p>
+<p class="i4">pity that rings down the years</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his</p>
+<p class="i4">terrible toil and his tears;</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and,</p>
+<p class="i4">worse, the tax-gathering horde</p>
+<p class="i2">Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid</p>
+<p class="i4">of the stick and the cord;</p>
+<p class="i2">And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the</p>
+<p class="i4">text of the old Coptic Muse,</p>
+<p class="i2">And&mdash;one hears the mad rush of the wheels</p>
+<p class="i4">that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with</p>
+<p class="i4">your heel on the Israelite's neck,</p>
+<p class="i2">And your hand on that baleful old blade,</p>
+<p class="i4">Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck</p>
+<p class="i2">The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware!</p>
+<p class="i4">Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river</p>
+<p class="i4">that is but a tomb,</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong.</p>
+<p class="i4">AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts,</p>
+<p class="i2">He the prince of the Coptic police who so</p>
+<p class="i4">harried the Israelite hosts</p>
+<p class="i2">When their lives with hard-bondage were</p>
+<p class="i4">bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try.</p>
+<p class="i2">Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation.</p>
+<p class="i4">Beware, Sire! Put by</p>
+<p class="i2">That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The</p>
+<p class="i4">PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found</p>
+<p class="i2">That it wounds him who wields it; and you,</p>
+<p class="i4">though your victim there, prone on the ground,</p>
+<p class="i2">Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find</p>
+<p class="i4">Persecution a bane</p>
+<p class="i2">Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to</p>
+<p class="i4">o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA</p>
+<p class="i4">that whispers the warning from far.</p>
+<p class="i2">Concerning <i>that</i> sword there's a lesson the</p>
+<p class="i4">PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<hr />
+
+<p>"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."&mdash;Among the
+numerous rewards mentioned in the <i>Times</i> of
+last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch,
+with monogram in diamonds, presented by
+the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally
+successful season, was not mentioned.
+Most appropriate present from the persons up
+to tune to one who is always up to time. The
+umble individual who writes this paragraph
+only wishes some company&mdash;Italian, French,
+no matter which&mdash;would present <i>him</i> with a
+golden and diamonded watch. "O my prophetic
+soul! My Uncle!!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>The Price of It.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite</p>
+<p class="i2">Is bestowed on "free publicity."</p>
+<p class="i2">'Tis the thing that we all strive at,</p>
+<p class="i2">Praise in speech, and hate&mdash;in private!</p>
+<p class="i2">Where are pride, reserve, simplicity?</p>
+<p class="i2">Fled for ever&mdash;from Publicity!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"MORE LIGHT!"&mdash;The Berners Hotel Co.,
+with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA as Chairman,
+should at once be advertised as "The
+G.A.S.-Berners Hotel Co.," and, of course,
+no electric lighting would be used. Mr.
+SIMS REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel
+Company. So it starts with a tenner.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD
+SUMMER. <i>One Iron Soldier, and the Led
+Captain.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page67" id="page67"></a>[pg 67]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/067.png"><img width="100%" src="images/067.png" alt="" /></a>
+<h3>FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA.</h3>
+SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT WIELDS IT."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<!--blank page 68-->
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page69" id="page69"></a>[pg 69]</span>
+
+<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2>
+
+<h4>No. XII.&mdash;CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER.</h4>
+
+<p class="center"><i>(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">CHARACTERS.</p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age immaterial).</i></p>
+
+<p class="scene">SCENE&mdash;<i>An Apartment in the house of</i> CONRAD'S <i>Mother, window in
+centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk,
+and the room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the
+street lamps.</i> CONRAD <i>discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad (watching street).</i> Still there! For full an hour he has not
+budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight
+falls upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh,
+while from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister
+malignant eyes&mdash;on whom? <i>(Shuddering.)</i> I dare not trust myself
+to guess! And yet&mdash;ah, no&mdash;it cannot be myself! I am so young&mdash;one
+is still young at six!&mdash;What man can say that I have injured
+him? Since, in my Mother's absence all the day engaged upon
+Municipal affairs, I peacefully beguile the weary hours by suction
+of consolatory thumbs. <i>(Here he inserts his thumb in his mouth,
+but almost instantly removes it with a start.)</i> Again I meet those
+eyes! I'll look no more&mdash;but draw the blind and shut my terror
+out. <i>(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage
+lightens.)</i> Heigho, I wish my Mother were at
+home! <i>(Listening.)</i> At last. I hear her latchkey
+in the door!</p>
+
+<p class="scene"><i>Enter</i> CONRAD'S Mother, <i>a lady of strong-minded
+appearance, rationally attired. She
+carries a large reticule full of documents.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad's M.</i> Would, CONRAD, that you were
+of riper years, so you might share your
+Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her
+long and arduous toil as one of London's
+County Councillors!</p>
+
+<p><i>Conrad.</i> Nay, speak; for though my mind
+be immature, one topic still can charm my
+infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated
+tale. I love to hear of that august Assembly
+<i>(his Mother lifts her bonnet solemnly)</i> in
+which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (gratified).</i> Learn, CONRAD, then,
+that, after many months of patient "lobbying"
+(you've heard the term?) the measure
+by my foresight introduced has triumphed by
+a bare majority!</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> My bosom thrills with dutiful delight&mdash;although
+I yet for information wait as to
+the scope and purpose of the statute.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it
+should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and
+you shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I
+advocate the sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my
+efforts every infant's toys are carefully inspected once a month&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (wearily).</i> Nay, Mother, you forget&mdash;I <i>have</i> no toys.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Which brings you under the exemption clause. But&mdash;to
+resume; how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed
+by our Censor, and any deviation from the text forbidden under
+heavy penalties? All that you know. Well; with concern of late,
+I have remarked among our infancy the rapid increase of a baneful
+habit on which I scarce can bring my tongue to dwell. <i>(The Stage
+darker; blind at back illuminated.)</i> Oh, CONRAD, there are children&mdash;think
+of it!&mdash;so lost to every sense of decency that, in mere
+wantonness or brainless sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden
+thumbs! (CONRAD <i>starts with irrepressible emotion.)</i> Forgive me
+if I shock your innocence! <i>(Sadly.)</i> Such things exist&mdash;but soon
+shall cease to be, thanks to the measure we have passed to-day!</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with growing uneasiness).</i> But how can statutes check such
+practices?</p>
+
+<p><i>C's M. (patting his head).</i> Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I
+come to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory
+restraint in woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. <i>I</i>
+saw the evil had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted
+remedies. No; we must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay,
+interrupt me not; my Bill appoints a new official, by the style and
+title of "London County Council Scissorman," for the detection of
+young "suck-a-thumbs."</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of
+shears appears upon the blind.]</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap).</i> Ah, Mother, see!...
+the scissors!... On the blind!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The
+shadow of his grim insignia should have no terror&mdash;save for thumb-suckers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> And what for <i>them</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (complacently).</i> A doom devised by me&mdash;the confiscation
+of the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects,
+for those who have no thumbs can err no more.</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind</i>, CONRAD <i>appearing
+relieved at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both
+start to their feet.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's M.</i> Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?</p>
+
+<p><i>A Voice.</i> Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's M.</i> 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless
+calls to thank me for the post.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with a gloomy determination).</i> More like his business,
+Madam, is with&mdash;Me!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (suddenly enlightened).</i> A Suck-a-thumb?... <i>you</i>,
+CONRAD?</p>
+
+<p><i>C. (desperately).</i> Ay,&mdash;from birth!</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The
+knocking is renewed.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> Oh, this is horrible&mdash;it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt
+and barricade the door.</p>
+
+<p class="bracket">[CONRAD <i>places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a
+tone of incisive irony.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus
+that you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own
+devising. Come, your official's waiting&mdash;let
+him in! (C's. M. <i>shrinks back appalled.</i>) So?
+you refuse!&mdash;(<i>throwing open door</i>)&mdash;then&mdash;enter,
+Scissorman!</p>
+
+<p class="scene"><i>[Enter the</i> Scissorman, <i>masked and in red tights,
+with his hand upon the hilt of his shears.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (in a passionless tone).</i> Though sorry
+to create unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs
+of this young gentleman, which my own eyes
+have marked between his lips.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (frantically).</i> Thou minion of a
+meddling tyranny, go exercise thy loathsome
+trade elsewhere!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (civilly).</i> I've duties here that must
+be first performed.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (wildly).</i> Take my thumbs for his!</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> 'Tis not the law&mdash;which is a model
+of lucidity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (calmly).</i> Sir, you speak well. My
+thumbs are forfeited, and they alone must pay
+the penalty.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S. (with approval).</i> Right! Step with
+me into the outer hall, and have the business
+done without delay.</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (throwing herself between them).</i>
+Stay! I'm a Councillor&mdash;this law was <i>mine!</i>
+Hereby I do suspend the clause I drew.</p>
+
+<p><i>The S.</i> You should have drawn it milder.</p>
+
+<p><i>Con.</i> Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed?
+[<i>To</i> Sc.] Lead on, Sir. <i>(To his</i> Mother <i>with cold courtesy.)</i>
+Madam,&mdash;may I trouble you?</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the</i> S.; <i>the
+door is shut and fastened from without.</i> C's. M. <i>rushes to
+door which she attempts to force without success.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole
+train my tortured ear. <i>(Listening.)</i> Dead silence!... is it over&mdash;or,
+to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?...
+Again! and followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon
+linoleum!...</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[The door is opened and</i> CONRAD <i>appears, pale but erect,&mdash;N.B.
+The whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La
+Tosca"&mdash;which, however, it exceeds in horror and intensity.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M.</i> They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD!
+What?&mdash;repulse a Mother's Arms!</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/069.png"><img width="100%" src="images/069.png" alt="Mother at Son's Feet" /></a></div>
+
+<p><i>Con. (with chilling composure).</i> Yes, Madam, for between us
+ever more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach
+those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back&mdash;the
+thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced
+me in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and
+your endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the
+harm in sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw,
+his paws sustain the hibernating bear&mdash;and you decree no law to
+punish <i>them</i>! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed
+this most ridiculous enactment&mdash;its earliest victim your neglected son!</p>
+
+<p><i>C's. M. (falling at his feet).</i> Say, CONRAD, you will some day
+pardon me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)</i> I will,&mdash;the day
+these pollards send forth shoots!</p>
+
+<p class="bracket"><i>[His</i> Mother <i>turns aside with a heartbroken wail</i>; CONRAD <i>standing
+apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page70" id="page70"></a>[pg 70]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"><a href="images/070.png"><img width="100%" src="images/070.png" alt="Running His Eye Over Them" /></a> <h3>"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM".</h3>
+<i>Colonel North and Lord Dunraven.</i> "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH. WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."</div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page71" id="page71"></a>[pg 71]</span>
+
+<h2>"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM."</h2>
+
+
+<p class="center">GRANDOLPH <i>muses</i>:&mdash;</p>
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"My Kingdom for a horse!"</p>
+<p class="i4">Ah, well!</p>
+<p class="i2">The question is,&mdash;which <i>is</i> my Kingdom?</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm bound to own there <i>is</i> a spell</p>
+<p class="i4">In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom,</p>
+<p class="i2">The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew,</p>
+<p class="i2">As DIZZY tells, <i>I</i> feel it too.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">He won brief leadership, who might</p>
+<p class="i4">Have won the Derby! Which was better?</p>
+<p class="i2">There's rapture in a racer's flight,</p>
+<p class="i4">There's rust on the official fetter.</p>
+<p class="i2">Of me the Press tells taradiddles!</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, I do set the fools strange riddles!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Fourth Party!" He was no bad start</p>
+<p class="i2">For a new stable, but he's done with.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Tory Democracy!" No heart!</p>
+<p class="i2">But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!"</p>
+<p class="i2">My Stable has not lacked variety.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">What does NORTH say? A ragged lot?</p>
+<p class="i4">Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN?</p>
+<p class="i2">Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot.</p>
+<p class="i4">Audacious now, and now half craven.</p>
+<p class="i2">Well, freak's an unexhausted fount.</p>
+<p class="i2">Mentor, can <i>you</i> guess my next mount?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"><a href="images/071-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071-1.png" alt="A Careful Man" /></a> <h3>A CAREFUL MAN.</h3>
+
+<i>Host.</i> "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS
+GETTING INTO YOUR <i>HEAD</i>, I SUPPOSE?"<br />
+
+<i>Guest.</i> "No! IT'S NOT MY <i>HEAD</i> I'M AFRAID OF WITH <i>YOUR</i> CHAMPAGNE!"</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MY PITHY JAYNE.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p class="note">
+[DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at
+a Conference of the Girl's Friendly
+Society, at Chester, said that until
+they were prepared to introduce basket-making
+into London Society as a substitute
+for quadrilles and waltzes, he
+was not disposed to accept it as an
+equivalent for balls and dances among
+girls of other classes.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="center">AIR.&mdash;"<i>My Pretty Jane</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>Punch</i> fancies you looked sly</p>
+<p class="i2">When you met them, met them down at Chester,</p>
+<p class="i4">And gave them "one in the eye."</p>
+<p class="i2">Bigotry's waning fast, my boy,</p>
+<p class="i4">But Cant we sometimes hear,</p>
+<p class="i2">And Chester cant is pestilent cant,</p>
+<p class="i4">My Lord, that's pretty clear.</p>
+<p class="i2">Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4">Of smiting don't be shy;</p>
+<p class="i2">But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans</p>
+<p class="i4">And tell them it's all my eye.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">'Tis only play, and harmless play,</p>
+<p class="i4">Like kissing in the ring,</p>
+<p class="i2">When lads and lasses of spirits gay</p>
+<p class="i4">Dance like young lambs in Spring.</p>
+<p class="i2">That Spring will wane too fast, alas!</p>
+<p class="i4">But while it yet is here,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy,</p>
+<p class="i4">The dance to youth so dear.</p>
+<p class="i2">Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,</p>
+<p class="i4">Don't heed the bigot's cry,</p>
+<p class="i2">But meet them, meet them down at Chester</p>
+<p class="i4">And teach them Charity!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/071-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/071-2.png" alt="Turning over fresh Leaves" /></a>Turning over fresh Leaves.</div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, July 28.</i>&mdash;STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL
+are amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House
+of Lords. RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run
+them pretty close, but come in only a good second.
+Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA
+rarely go beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and
+CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery reserved
+for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like
+Babes in the Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM,
+turning over leaves of Orders as if he would like
+to complete the simile by acting the part of the
+birds. To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL
+leave us forlorn. They have business in their
+own House; been long concerned for interests
+of State as affected by the MARKISS'S persistence
+in combining office of Premier with that of
+Foreign Secretary.</p>
+
+<p>"It would be too much even for us," said
+STRATHEDEN, in conversation we had before
+House met; "and," he continued, "though I
+say it what shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement
+that would be happier or more complete
+than if we undertook the job. What do you
+say, CAMPBELL? Would you be Premier, or
+would you take the Foreign Seals?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL,
+gallantly; "at least, it is now. When
+we first started in life we used to call ourselves
+CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so
+in the <i>Peerages</i> of earlier date; now it's the
+other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
+<i>pas</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL,
+said STRATHEDEN; so modest, so retiring, so thoughtful! After
+we'd been known as CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN for good many
+years, you came to me and said it was my turn now. I objected;
+you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State, an object of
+interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the Lords."</p>
+
+<p>"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured
+to say, edging in a word, "for you two
+fellows to take this strong stand against
+duality?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL,
+both together; "we are authorities on
+the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot
+in his single person adequately perform the
+dual duties pertaining to his high offices; therefore
+we shall go and move our resolution protesting
+against arrangement."</p>
+
+<p>Pretty to see them marching off. Always
+walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says it is a practice
+adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
+in thinking out deep problems; two of
+the best and the happiest old fellows in the
+world; their only trouble is that on divisions
+their vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL,
+in whom hot Cupar blood flows, once proposed
+to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
+STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain
+of the diplomatic character of his grandfather,
+ABINGER.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In the Lords, STRATHEDEN
+and CAMPBELL raised question of MARKISS as
+Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
+Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Scotch Members had their innings
+to-night; played a pretty stiff game till, at twelve
+o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used to
+be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page72" id="page72"></a>[pg 72]</span>
+name now; Compensation Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary
+work dragging the wreck along.</p>
+
+<p>"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that
+whatever I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
+since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of
+Budget scheme. But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't
+please 'em. Begin to think if there were any other business open
+for me, should chuck this up."</p>
+
+<p>"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL,
+in harsh voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams
+through life as if it were
+all sunshine. Now cloud
+Seems to have fallen over
+his expansive person, and
+he is as gloomy as JOKIM.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/072-1.png"><img width="100%" src="images/072-1.png" alt="Floored by the Carpet" /></a>Floored by the Carpet.</div>
+
+<p>"It's all very well for
+you," he continues, glowering
+at JOKIM, "to complain
+of your lot; but till you go
+into the carpet-cleaning
+line you never know what
+vicissitudes mean. One
+day, alighting from your
+four-in-hand, and happily
+able to spare to Tottenham
+Court Road a few moments
+from direction of national
+affairs, you look in at your
+shop; enter a lady who
+says she wants a carpet
+cleaned. 'Very well' you
+say rubbing your hands,
+and smiling blandly; 'and
+what will be the next
+article.' Nothing more.
+Only this blooming carpet,
+out of which, when the job
+is finished and it is sent
+home you make a modest
+five bob. Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince
+you that the coin colloquially known as five bob won't go far
+to enable you to cut a figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give
+pic-nics in your park to the Primrose League, and subscribe to
+the Canton Fund. However, there it is; carpet comes; you send
+it out in usual way, and what happens? Why it blows itself up,
+kills two boys, lames a man, and then you discover that you've been
+entertaining unawares a carpet worth £1000 which you have to pay.
+Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?" MAPLE-BLUNDELL
+fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his infinite sorrows
+had never taken that particular turn.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me
+about your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the
+world valued at £1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off
+by spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in
+charge, at the very moment when it
+was ready to combust spontaneously."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as
+MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
+stamping on the carpet that covers
+the Library floor, "we all have our
+troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL
+and his combustible carpet
+I am able the better to bear the woes
+I have."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:35%;"><a href="images/072-2.png"><img width="100%" src="images/072-2.png" alt="Man Reading Aloud" /></a><h4>? ? ?</h4></div>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;In Committee on
+Local Taxation Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;"True, TOBY," OLD
+MORALITY said, in reply to an observation,
+"I am a little tired, and
+naturally; things haven't been going
+so well as they did; but I could get
+along well enough if it wasn't for
+SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous;
+STORY is strenuous; TANNER
+tedious; and DILLON denunciatory.
+But there's something about SUMMERS
+that is peculiarly aggravating.
+In the first place, he is, as far as
+appearances go, such a quiet, amiable,
+inoffensive young man. Looking at him, one would think that
+butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages
+in Malta should keep him awake at night, and the question of International
+Arbitration should lower his appetite. Yet you know how
+it is. He seems to have some leisure on his hands; uses it to formulate
+conundrums; comes down here, and propounds them to me.
+Just look at his list for to-night. LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to
+the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria; International Arbitration;
+Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with the view the Cape
+Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement. That pretty
+well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a fresh batch,
+which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our discontent,
+which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think that life
+would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."</p>
+
+<p>Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally,
+even at worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take
+kindest view of circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS,
+surveying mankind from China to Peru in search of material for
+fresh conundrum, too much for mildest-mannered man. OLD
+MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness, jumps up; hotly declines to
+reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his questions to Ministers to
+whose Department they belonged.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Local Taxation Bill through Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just
+now amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly;
+pounding away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore,
+for the fortieth time urging that the £40,000 allotted them in relief
+of school fees shall be made £90,000. House divides, and also for
+fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment;
+when suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his
+knuckles into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never
+seen a piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when
+he recovers breath, goes and tells the Master&mdash;I mean the SPEAKER.
+SPEAKER says HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT
+subsides, and incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.</p>
+
+<p>A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
+for <i>Hansard</i> portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
+affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
+falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then,"
+said RAIKES, with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish
+the Noble Lord had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification."
+COMPTON refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one
+almost goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
+falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see
+him in his true light now." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;A good deal.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A SPORTING STYLE.</h3>
+
+<p>Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on
+the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be
+remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to
+be haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to
+be vain and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of
+every branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style
+is always immensely effective. All the pot-boys of the Metropolis,
+most of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the
+patrons of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it
+cannot fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs.
+<i>Second Example.</i>&mdash;Event to be commented on: A Regatta.</p>
+
+<p>I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy
+twaddle in the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually
+taken place. The effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who
+direct this gathering endeavour year after year to make the world
+believe that theirs is the only meeting at which honour has the least
+chance of bursting into flower. I have my own opinions on this
+point. Really, these tenth transmitters of foolish faces become more
+and more brazen in their attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny,
+tin-pot, one-horse Regatta as the combination of
+all the cardinal virtues.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute
+the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world
+will acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer
+the straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant
+to the tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification
+in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems
+to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would,
+doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with
+one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those
+who know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that
+I would attend this Regatta <i>pour rire</i>. But I know enough to be
+sure that the Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs
+on the minus side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing
+must be in a bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the
+mark!) than those who last week aired their incompetence, and
+impeded the traffic of the people upon the Thames. Time was when
+an oarsman was an oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between
+a Belgravian flunkey and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to
+say on an unsavoury matter.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="margin-bottom:10em">
+        <img src="images/pointer.png"
+             alt="pointer" />
+    </div>
+
+    <p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+    whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+    description, will in no case be returned, not even when
+    accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or
+    Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12825-h.htm or 12825-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/2/12825/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/061-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/061-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5e137a3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/061-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/061-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/061-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..74e157f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/061-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/062-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/062-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0d73b57
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/062-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/062-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/062-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6540269
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/062-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/063.png b/old/12825-h/images/063.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c5a0fde
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/063.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/064-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/064-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3492c94
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/064-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/064-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/064-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e187664
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/064-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/064-3.png b/old/12825-h/images/064-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0a606f0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/064-3.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/065-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/065-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..666073d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/065-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/065-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/065-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5050504
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/065-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/065-3.png b/old/12825-h/images/065-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ebd88cb
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/065-3.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/066.png b/old/12825-h/images/066.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..32f3ad7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/066.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/067.png b/old/12825-h/images/067.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..48e05ef
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/067.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/069.png b/old/12825-h/images/069.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..562e788
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/069.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/070.png b/old/12825-h/images/070.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ec35649
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/070.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/071-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/071-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3825a44
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/071-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/071-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/071-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c924aea
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/071-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/072-1.png b/old/12825-h/images/072-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e37a75f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/072-1.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/072-2.png b/old/12825-h/images/072-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..06cf7dc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/072-2.png
diff --git a/old/12825-h/images/pointer.png b/old/12825-h/images/pointer.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6309484
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825-h/images/pointer.png
diff --git a/old/12825.txt b/old/12825.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9956cca
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1790 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99,
+August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 99, August 9, 1890.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: July 5, 2004 [EBook #12825]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOLUME 99.
+
+
+
+August 9, 1890.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST AID TO TOMMY ATKINS.
+
+Sir,--I visited the Military Exhibition the other day according to
+your instructions, my bosom glowing with patriotic ardour. If anything
+besides your instructions and the general appropriateness of the
+occasion had been necessary to make my bosom glow thus, it would have
+been found in the fact that I formerly served my country in a Yeomanry
+Regiment. I shall never forget the glorious occasions on which I wore
+a cavalry uniform, and induced some of my best friends to believe
+I had gone to the dogs and enlisted. However, to relate my Yeomanry
+adventures, which included a charge by six of us upon a whole army,
+would be to stray from my point, which is to describe what I saw at
+the Military Exhibition. I was lame (oh, dear no, not the gout, a mere
+strain) and took a friend, an amiable young man, with me to lean upon.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"There's one place I really _do_ know," he had said to me, "and that's
+this bally place."
+
+I therefore felt I was safe with him. We arrived. We entered. "Take
+me," I said, "to the battle-pictures, so that I may study my country's
+glories."
+
+"Right!" he answered, and with a promptitude that does him immense
+credit, he brought me out into a huge arena in the open air with seats
+all round it, a grand stand, and crowds of spectators. The performance
+in the arena so deeply interested me that I forgot all about the
+pictures. I saw at once what it was. Detachments of our citizen
+soldiers were going through ambulance drill. The sight was one which
+appealed to our common humanity. My daring, dangerous Yeomanry days
+rose up again before me, and I felt that if ever I had had to bleed
+for my QUEEN I should not have bled untended. Even my companion,
+a scoffer, who had never risen above a full privacy in the Eton
+Volunteers, was strangely moved. There were, I think, ten detachments,
+each provided with a stretcher and a bag containing simple surgical
+appliances. All that was wanted to complete the realism of the picture
+was the boom of the cannon, the bursting of shells, and the rattle of
+musketry. In imagination I supplied them, as I propose to do, for your
+benefit, Sir, in the following short account.
+
+It was a sultry afternoon; the battle had been raging for hours; the
+casualties had been terrible. "Dress up, there, dress up!" said the
+Sergeant in command, addressing detachment No. 2, "and you, JENKINS,
+tilt your forage-cap a leetle more over your right ear; BROWN, don't
+blow your nose, the General's looking; God bless my soul, THOMPSON,
+you've buckled that strap wrong, undo it and re-buckle it at once."
+With such words as these he cheered his men, while to right and left
+the death-dealing missiles sped, on their course. "Stand at ease;
+'shon! Stand at ease! 'shon!" he next shouted. A Corporal at this
+point was cut in two by a ball from, a forty-pounder, but nobody
+paid any heed to him. Stiff, solid, and in perfect line, stood the
+detachments waiting for the word to succour the afflicted. At last it
+came. In the midst of breathless excitement the ten bent low, placed
+their folded stretchers on the ground, unbuckled and unfolded them,
+and then with a simultaneous spring rose up again and resumed their
+impassive attitude. "Very good," said the Sergeant, "very good.
+THOMPSON you were just a shade too quick; you must be more careful.
+Stand at ease!" and at ease they all stood.
+
+But where were the wounded? Aha! here they come, noble, fearless
+heroes, all in line, marching with a springy step to their doom.
+
+One by one they took their places, in line at intervals of about ten
+yards, and lay down each on his appointed spot to die, or be wounded,
+and to be bandaged and carried off. But now a terrible question arose.
+_Would there be enough to go round?_ I had only counted nine of them,
+which was one short of the necessary complement, but at this supreme
+moment another grievously wounded warrior ran lightly up and lay down
+opposite the tenth detachment. We breathed again.
+
+And now began some charming manoeuvres. Each detachment walked round
+its stretcher twice, then stood at ease again, then at attention, then
+dressed up and arranged itself, and brushed, itself down. All this
+while their wounded comrades lay writhing, and appealing for help
+in vain. It was with difficulty that, lame as I was, I could be
+restrained from dashing to their aid. But at last everything was in
+order. Stretchers were solemnly lifted. The detachments marched slowly
+forward, and deposited their stretchers each beside a wounded man.
+Then began a scene of busy bandaging. But not until the whole ten had
+been bound up, legs, arms, heads, feet, fingers &c, was it permissible
+to lift one of them from the cold cold ground which he had bedewed
+with his blood.
+
+"Now then," said the Sergeant, "carefully and all together. Lift!"
+and all together they were lifted and placed in their stretchers. More
+play with straps and buckles, more rising and stooping, and then the
+pale and gasping burdens were at last raised and carried in a mournful
+procession round the ground. But when they arrived at the place
+where the ambulance was supposed to be, they had all been dead,
+three-quarters of an hour. "Dear me," said the Sergeant, "how vexing.
+ROBINSON, your chin-strap's gone wrong. Now, all together. Drop 'em!"
+And so the day ended, and the pitiless sun sated with, &c., &c., &c.
+
+I afterwards visited the Field Hospital to see a number of wax figures
+in uniform, cheerfully arranged as wounded men in all the stages
+of pain and misery. How encouraging for TOMMY ATKINS, I thought
+to myself; but at this moment my supporter informed me that he had
+remembered where to find the battle-pictures, and thither therefore
+we proceeded, thankful in the knowledge that if either of us ever
+happened to be struck down in battle he would be well looked after by
+an admirably drilled body of men.
+
+I am, Sir,
+Yours as usual,
+LE PETIT SHOWS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PROFESSIONAL GUEST AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,
+
+Trusting that you take some interest in my fate, after the more or
+less pleasant (?) week I spent at Henley, I hasten to let you know
+that I am again visiting friends, though this time on _terra firma_,
+and that the customary trials of the "Professional Guest" are once
+more my portion. The very evening of my arrival, I discovered that a
+man with whom I had not been on speaking terms for years was to be my
+neighbour at dinner, and that a girl (who really I cannot understand
+_any one_ asking to their house) with the strangest coloured hair, and
+the most unnaturally dark eyes, was taken in by the host, and called
+"darling" by the hostess. After dinner, which, by reason of the
+"range" being out of order, was of a rather limited type, they all
+played cards. That is a form of amusement I don't like--I can't afford
+it; and this, coupled with the fact that I was not asked to sing,
+somewhat damped my ardour as regards visiting strange houses.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A hard bed, and a distant snore, kept me awake till break of day,
+when, for a brief space, I successfully wooed Morpheus. I think I
+slept for seven minutes. Then a loud bell rang, and several doors on
+an upper floor were heavily banged. I heard the servants chattering as
+they went down to breakfast. Then there was silence, and once more I
+composed myself to rest, when the dreadest sound of all broke on my
+ear. _The baby began to cry._ Then I gave it up as hopeless, but it
+was with a sensation of being more dead than alive that I crawled down
+to breakfast--late, of course. One is always late the first morning in
+a strange house--one can never find one's things. I bore with my best
+professional smile the hearty chaff of my host (how I hate a hearty
+man the first thing in the morning) and the audible remarks of the
+dear children who were seated at intervals round the table. But
+my patience well-nigh gave way when I found that our hostess had
+carefully mapped out for her guests a list of amusements (save the
+mark!) which extended not only over that same day, but several ensuing
+ones.
+
+I am not of a malice-bearing nature, but I do devoutly pray that she,
+too, may one day taste the full horror of being tucked into a high
+dog-cart alongside of a man who you know cannot drive; the tortures,
+both mental and physical, of a long walk down dusty roads and over
+clayey fields to see that old Elizabethan house "only a mile off;"
+or the loathing induced by a pic-nic among mouldering and utterly
+uninteresting ruins. All this I swallowed with the equanimity and
+patience born of many seasons of country-house visiting; I even
+interviewed the old family and old-fashioned cook, on the subject of
+a few new dishes, and I helped to entertain some of those strange
+aboriginal creatures called "the county." But the announcement one
+afternoon, that we were to spend the next in driving ten miles to
+attend a Primrose League _Fete_ in the private grounds of a local
+magnate, proved too much for me. Shall you be surprised to hear that
+on the following morning I received an urgent telegram recalling me
+to town? My hostess was, or affected to be, overwhelmned that by my
+sudden departure I should miss the _fete_. I knew, however, that
+the "dyed" girl rejoiced, and in company with the objectionable man
+metaphorically threw up her hat.
+
+As I passed through the Lodge-gates on my way to the station I almost
+vowed that I would never pay another visit again. But even as I write,
+an invitation was brought me. It is from my Aunt. She writes that she
+has taken charming rooms at Flatsands, and hopes I will go and stay
+with her there for a few days. She thinks the sea air will do me good.
+Perhaps it will. I shall write at once and accept.
+
+THE ODD GIRL OUT.
+
+FROM OUR YOTTING YORICK, P.A.
+
+_Aboard the Yot "Placid," bound for Copenhagen (I hope)._
+
+DEAR EDITOR,
+
+You told me when I set sail (I didn't set sail myself, you understand,
+but the men did it for me, or rather for my friends, Mr and Mrs.
+SKIPPER, to whose kindness I owe my present position--which is far
+from a secure one,--but no matter), you said to me, YORICK Yotting
+has no buffoonery left in him? I too, who was once the life of all
+the Lifes and Souls of a party! Where is that party now? Where am _I_?
+What is my life on board? Life!--say existence. I rise early; I can't
+help it. I am tubbed on deck: deck'd out in my best towels. So I
+commence the day by going to Bath. [That's humorous, isn't it? I hope
+so. I mean it as such.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Send me notes of your voyage to Sweden and Norway, and the land of
+_Hamlet_. You'll see lots of funny things, and you'll take a humorous
+view of what isn't funny; send me your humorous views." Well, Sir, I
+sent you "_Mr. Punch looking at the Midnight Sun_." pretty humorous I
+think ("more pretty than humorous," you cabled to me at Bergen), and
+since that I have sent you several beautiful works of Art, in return
+for which I received another telegram from you saying, "No 'go.' Send
+something funny." The last I sent ("_The Church-going Bell_," a
+pretty peasant woman in a boat--"_belle_," you see) struck me as very
+humorous. The idea of people going to Church in a boat!
+
+What was I to do? Well--here at last I send you something which _must_
+be humorous. It looks like it. _Mr. Punch_ driving in Norway, in a
+_cariole. Mr. Punch_ anywhere is humorous; and with TOBY too; though I
+am perfectly aware that TOBY, M.P., is in his place in the House;
+but then TOBY is ubarquitous. That's funny, isn't it?--see "bark"
+substituted for "biq," the original word being "ubiquitous." This is
+the sort of "_vuerdtwistren_" at which they roar in Sweden.
+
+It's all _tres bien_ (very well) but how the deuce can you be funny in
+the Baltic? Why call it Baltic? For days and nights at sea, sometimes
+up, more often down, and a sense of inability coming over me in the
+middle of the boundless deep. Alas, poor YORICK!
+
+Then breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner. No drinking permitted between
+meals: to which regulation. _I am gradually becoming habituated._ It
+is difficult to acquire new habits. Precious difficult in mid-ocean,
+where there isn't a tailor. [Humorous again, eh?] I now understand
+what is the meaning of "a Depression is crossing the Atlantic."
+There's an awful Depression hanging about the Baltic.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+I send you a sketch of Elsinore, as I thought it would be, and
+Elsinore as it is. Elsinore is like the Pumping Works at Barking
+Creek. And I've come all this way to see this!! Elsinore! I'd rather
+go Elsewhere-inore,--say, Margate.
+
+Think I shall put this in a bottle, cork it up, and send it overboard,
+and you'll get it by Tidal Post. Whether I do this or not depends on
+circumstances over which I may possibly have no control. Anyhow, at
+dinner-time, _I shall ask for the bottle._ When you ask for it, see
+that you get it.
+
+Yours truly,
+JETSAM
+
+_(or Yotting Artist in Black and White). 10 A.M. Swedish time 9.5 in
+English miles. Longitude 4 ft. 8 in. in my berth. Latitude, any amount
+of._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN EXCELLENT RULE.--We are informed that "extreme ugliness" and "male
+hysteria" are admitted as "adequate disqualifications" for the French
+Army. If the same rule only applied to the English House of Commons,
+what a deal of noise and nonsense we should be spared!
+
+[Illustration: A METROPOLITAN METAMORPHOSIS.
+
+_The Awful Result of Persistent "Crawling."_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DYING SWAN.
+
+_(Latest Version, a long way after the Laureate.)_
+
+    "THAMES 'SWAN UPPING.'--The QUEEN'S swanherd and the officials
+    of the Dyers' and Vintners' Companies arrived at Windsor
+    yesterday on their annual 'swan-upping' visit, for the purpose
+    of marking or 'nicking' the swans and cygnets belonging to HER
+    MAJESTY, and the Companies interested in the preservation of
+    the birds that haunt the stream between London and Henley. It
+    is said that the Thames swans are steadily decreasing owing
+    to the traffic on the upper reaches of the river, and other
+    causes detrimental to their breeding."--_The Times_.
+
+  I.
+
+  July was wet,--a thing not rare--
+  With sodden ground and chilly air;
+  The sky presented everywhere
+  A low-pitched roof of doleful grey;
+  With a rain-flusht flood the river ran;
+  Adown it floated a dying Swan,
+  And loudly did lament.
+  It was the middle of the day,
+  The "Swanherd" and his men went on,
+  "Nicking" the cygnets as they went.
+
+  II.
+
+  The "Swanherd" showed a blue-peaked nose,
+  And white against the cold white sky
+  Shone many a face of those
+  Who o'er the upper reaches swept,
+  On swans and cygnets keeping an eye.
+  Dyers and Vintners, portly, mellow
+  Chasing the birds of the jetty bill
+  Through the reed clusters green and still;
+  And through the osier mazes crept
+  Many a cap-feathered crook-armed fellow.
+
+  III.
+
+  The lone Swan's _requiem_ smote the soul
+  With the reverse of joy.
+  It spake of sorrow, of outfalls queer,
+  Dyeing the floods once full and clear;
+  Of launches wildly galumphing by,
+  Washing the banks into hollow and hole;
+  Sometimes afar, and sometimes a-near.
+  All-marring 'ARRY'S exuberant voice,
+  With music strange and manifold,
+  Howling out choruses loud and bold
+  As when Bank-holidayites rejoice
+  With concertinas, and the many-holed
+  Shrill whistle of tin, till the riot is rolled
+  Through shy backwaters, where swan-nests are;
+  And greasy scraps of the _Echo_ or _Star_,
+  Waifs from the cads' oleaginous feeds,
+  Emitting odours reekingly rank,
+  Drift under the clumps of the water-weeds,
+  And broken bottles invade the reeds,
+  And the wavy swell of the many-barged tug
+  Breaks, and befouls the green Thames' bank.
+  And the steady decrease of the snow-plumed throng
+  That sail the upper Thames reaches among,
+  Was prophesied in that plaintive song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOING IT CHEAPLY.
+
+A re-action against the extravagance which marked the entertainments
+of the London Season of 1890 having set in, the following rules and
+regulations will be observed in the Metropolis until further notice.
+
+1. Persons invited to dinner parties will be expected to furnish their
+own plate and linen, and some of the viands and wines to be used at
+the feast.
+
+2. To carry out the above, a _menu_ of the proposed meal will form a
+part of every card of invitation, which will run as follows:--"Mr. and
+Mrs. ---- request the honour of Mr. and Mrs. ----'s company to dinner,
+on ---- when they will kindly bring with them enough for twelve
+persons of the dish marked ---- on the accompanying _Menu_, P.T.O."
+
+3. Persons invited to a Ball will treat the supper as a pic-nic, to
+which all the guests are expected to contribute.
+
+4. On taking leave of a hostess every guest will slip into her hand a
+packet containing a sum of money sufficient to defray his or her share
+of the evening's expenses.
+
+5. Ladies making calls at or about five o'clock, will bring with
+them tea, sugar, milk, pound-cake, cucumber sandwiches, and bread and
+butter.
+
+6. As no bands will be furnished at evening parties, guests who can
+play will be expected to bring their musical instruments with them.
+N.B. This does not apply to pianofortes on the premises, for which a
+small sum will be charged to those who use them.
+
+7. Should a _cotillon_ be danced, guests will provide their own
+presents, which will become the perquisites of the host and hostess.
+
+8, _and lastly_. Should the above rules, compiled in the interest
+of leaders of Society, be insufficient to keep party-givers from
+appearing in the Court of Bankruptcy, guests who have partaken of any
+hospitality will be expected to contribute a gratuity, to enable the
+Official Receiver to declare a small and final dividend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERQUISITES.--"Nice thing to belong to National Liberal Club,"
+observed Mr. G., who didn't dine at that establishment for nothing,
+"because, you see, they go in there for 'Perks.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"NOBLESSE OBLIGE!"
+
+_(Latest Reading.)_
+
+  _Noblesse oblige!_ And what's the obligation,
+  Read in the light of recent demonstration?
+  A member of "our old Nobility"
+  May be "obliged," at times, to play the spy,
+  Lay traps for fancied frailty, disenthrall
+  "Manhood" by "playing for" a woman's fall;
+  Redeem the wreckage of a "noble" name
+  By building hope on sin, and joy on shame;
+  Redress the work of passion's reckless boldness
+  By craven afterthoughts of cynic coldness;
+  Purge from low taint "the blood of all the HOWARDS"
+  By borrowings from the code of cads and cowards!
+  _Noblesse oblige?_ Better crass imbecility
+  Of callow youth--_with_ pluck--than such "nobility"!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME-ING.--Dr. BARNARDO'S delightfully simple plan of getting a little
+boy to sign an affidavit to the effect that he was so happy at Dr.
+BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, and that, wherever he might wander, there
+was really no place on earth like Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, may remind
+Dickensian students of a somewhat analogous method apparently adopted
+by _Mr. Squeers_ when, on his welcome return to Dotheboys Hall, he
+publicly announced that "he had seen the parents of some boys, and
+they're so glad to hear how their sons are getting on, that there's
+no prospect at all of their going away, which, of course, is a very
+pleasant thing to reflect upon for all parties." The conduct of such
+parents or relatives who send children or permit them to be sent to
+Dr. BARNARDO'S Home, Sweet Home, where, at all events, they are well
+fed and cared for, bears some resemblance to that of _Graymarsh's_
+maternal aunt, who was "short of money, but sends a tract instead, and
+hopes that _Graymarsh_ will put his trust in Providence," and also
+to that of _Mobb's_ "mother-in-law," who was so disgusted with
+her stepson's conduct (for DICKENS meant step-mother when he wrote
+"mother-in-law"--an odd _lapsus calami_ never subsequently corrected)
+that she "stopped his halfpenny a-week pocket-money, and had given a
+double-bladed knife with a corkscrew in it to the Missionaries, which
+she had bought on purpose for him." We don't blame Dr. BARNARDO--much;
+but we do blame these weak-knee'd parents and guardians, who
+apparently don't know their own minds. In the recent case which was
+sarcastically treated by the Judge, Dr. B. found that he could buy
+GOULD too dear.
+
+SOMETHING LIKE A REVOLUTION!
+
+_(From Our Own Correspondent on the Spot.)_
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent at Breakfast.]
+
+_Samol Plazo_, 8 A.M.--My _plat_ of _egsibaconi_ has just been knocked
+out of the hands of my servant, PATPOTATO, by a bullet. My man (who
+is of Irish extraction) thinks that the long-expected revolution
+must have commenced; "for," as he argues, "when everything is down,
+something is sure to be up." I think so too. I am now going to
+Government House. If I don't get this through, make complaint at the
+Post Office, for it will be their fault not mine.
+
+9 A.M.--Am now at Head Quarters. Not much trouble getting here. Came
+by a _bussi_, a local conveyance drawn by two horses, and much used by
+the humbler classes. On our road one of the steeds and the roof of the
+_bussi_ were carried away by a shell, but as I was inside this caused
+me little annoyance, and I got comfortably to my destination with the
+remainder. Just seen the President, who says laughingly, that "there
+has been practically nothing but perfect peace and quiet." I doubt
+whether this can be quite the case, as he was sitting in front of
+Government House, which was at that very moment undergoing a vigorous
+bombardment. When I pointed this out to him, he confessed that he had
+noticed it himself, but did not think much of it. He was in excellent
+spirits, and told me a funny story about the narrow escape of his
+mother-in-law. I am now off to see how the other side are progressing.
+If the Post Office people tell you they can't send my telegrams to
+you, refuse to believe them.
+
+[Illustration: Narrow Escape of Our Correspondent.]
+
+10 A.M.--As I suspected, from the first, there _has_ been a
+disturbance. I thought it must be so, as I could not otherwise
+understand why my _cabbi_ should have been blown into the air, while
+passing through a mined street on the road here. I am now at the
+Head Quarters of the Oniononi, who seem to be in great strength. They
+appear to be very pleased that the fleet should have joined them, and
+account for the action by saying that the sailors, as bad shots, would
+naturally blaze away at the biggest target--Government House. So far,
+the disturbances have caused little inconvenience. I date this 10
+A.M., but I cannot tell you the exact time, as the clock-tower has
+just been carried away by a new kind of land torpedo.
+
+12, NOON.--I am now once again at the Government Head Quarters. As I
+could get no better conveyance, I inflated my canvas carpet-bag with
+gas, and used it as a balloon. I found it most valuable in crossing
+the battery which now masks the remains of what was once
+Government House. The President, after having organised a band of
+_pic-pockettini_ (desperadoes taken from the gaols), has gone into
+the provinces, declaring that he has a toothache. By some, this
+declaration is deemed a subterfuge, by others, a statement savouring
+of levity. The artillery are now reducing the entire town to atoms,
+under the personal supervision of the Minister of Finance, who
+deprecates waste in ammunition, and declares that he is bound to the
+President by the tie of the battle-field.
+
+[Illustration: Our Correspondent in an Elevated Position.]
+
+2 P.M.--Have rejoined the Oniononi, coming hither by ricochet on a
+spent shell. The people are entirely with them, and cheer at every
+fresh evidence of destruction. Found a well-known shopkeeper in
+ecstasies over the ruins of his establishment. He said that, "Although
+the revolution might be bad for trade, it would do good, as things
+wanted waking up." A slaughter of police and railway officials, which
+has just been carried out with infinite spirit, seems to be immensely
+popular. If you don't get this, make immediate complaint. Don't
+accept, as an excuse, that the wires have been cut, and the office
+razed to the ground. They can get it through, if they like.
+
+4 P.M.--Just heard a report that I myself have been killed and buried.
+As I can get no corroboration of this statement, I publish it under
+reservation. I confine myself to saying that it may be true, although
+I have my doubts upon the subject.
+
+6 P.M.--It seems (as I imagined) that the report of my death and
+funeral is a canard. This shows how necessary it is to test the truth
+of every item of information before hurrying off to the Telegraph
+Office. Efforts are now being made to bring about a reconciliation
+between the contending parties.
+
+8 P.M.--The revolution is over. When both sides had exhausted their
+ammunition, peace naturally became a necessity. The contending parties
+are now dining together, _al fresco_, as the town is in ruins. Nothing
+more to add save, All's well that ends well!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
+
+WORKMEN'S.
+
+_"Merry Christmas to you, Sir, and many on 'em!" i.e.,_ "Have you got
+that half-crown handy?"
+
+IN THE SMOKING-ROOM.
+
+_"Quite so; but then, you see, that's not my point;" i.e.,_ "It _was_,
+ten minutes ago."
+
+_"Yes, but allow me one moment;" i.e.,_ "Kindly give me your close
+attention for twenty-five minutes."
+
+SOCIAL.
+
+_"Not your fault, indeed! Mine for having so long a train;" i.e.,_
+"Awkward toad!"
+
+_"Where did you get that lovely dress, dear?" i.e.,_ "That I may avoid
+that dress-maker."
+
+THEATRICAL.
+
+_"Whose talents have been seen to better advantage:" i.e.,_ "A cruel
+bad actor--but can't say so."
+
+_"When the nervousness of a first night has been got over;" i.e.,_
+"Never saw a worse play--but it may catch on."
+
+_"The Author's modesty prevented him from responding to loud calls;"
+i.e.,_ "Timid youth, probably. Foresaw brickbats."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BRAVO, TORO!"--M. CONSTANS will not allow Bull-fighting in Paris,
+even for "the benefit of the Martinique sufferers." Quite right! But
+if he would only discourage "Bull-fighting" in Egypt--the sort of
+"Bull-fighting" desired by Chauvinist M. DELONCLE--he would do good
+service to the land of the Pyramids, to the poor fellah, and to
+civilisation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE FROM BRIGHTON.--The exterior of the recently-opened Hotel
+Metropole, is so effective, that the Architect, Mr. WATERHOUSE, R.A.,
+is likely to receive many commissions for the erection of similar
+hostelries at our principal marine resorts. He will take out
+letters patent for change of name, and be known henceforward as Mr.
+SEA-WATERHOUSE, R.A. By the way, the Directors of the Gordon Hotels
+Co. wish it to be generally known that they have not started a
+juvenile hotel for half-price children, under the name of the Gordon
+Boys' Hotel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Who remembers a certain story called, if I remember aright, _The
+Wheelbarrow of Bordeaux_, that appeared in a Christmas Number of the
+_Illustrated London News_ some years ago? If no one else does, I do,
+says the Baron; and that sensational story was a sensational sell,
+wherein the agony was piled up to the "n'th," and just as the secret
+was about to be disclosed, the only person who knew it, and was on
+the point of revealing it, died. This is the sort of thing that Mr.
+RUDYARD KIPLING has just done in this month's _Lippincott's Magazine_.
+It is told in a plain, rough and ready, blunt style, but so blunt that
+there's no point in it. And the idea,--that is if the idea be that the
+likeness of the assassin remains on the retina of the victim's eye,
+and can be reproduced by photography,--is not a novelty. Perhaps
+this story in _Lippincott_ comes out of one of Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING'S
+pigeon-holes, and was just chucked in haphazard, because Editorial
+_Lippincott_ wanted something with the name of the KIPLING, "bright
+and merry," to it. It's not very "bright," and it certainly isn't
+"merry."
+
+_Black's Guide to Kent_ for 1890, useful in many respects, but not
+quite up to date. The Baron cannot find any information about the
+splendid Golf Grounds, nor the Golf Club at Sandwich; it speaks of
+Sir MOSES MONTEFIORE'S place on the East Cliff of Ramsgate as if
+that benevolent centenarian were still alive; and it retains an
+old-fashioned description of Ramsgate as "The favorite resort of
+superior London tradesmen"--"which," says the Baron, "is, to my
+certain knowledge, very far from being the case." It talks of
+the "humours of the sands," and alludes to what is merely the
+cheap-trippers' season, as if this could possibly be the best time for
+Ramsgate. The _Guide_ knows nothing, or at least says nothing, of
+the Winter attractions; of the excellent pack of harriers; of the
+delightful climate from mid-September to January; of the southern
+aspect; of the pure air; of the many excursions to Ash, Deal,
+Sandwich, Ickham, and so forth; nor can the Baron discover any mention
+of the Granville Hotel, nor of the Albion Club, nor of the sport for
+fishers and shooters; nor of the Riviera-like mornings in November and
+in the early Spring, which are the real attractions of Ramsgate, and
+make it one of the finest health-resorts in Winter for all "who
+love life, and would see good days." "It reminds me," says the Baron,
+puffing off his smoke indignantly, "of Mr. IRVING and a certain
+youthful critic, who, in his presence at supper, had been running
+down _Macbeth_, finding fault with the Lyceum production of it,
+and ridiculing SHAKSPEARE for having written it. When he had quite
+finished HENRY IRVING, 'laying low' in his chair at the table,
+adjusted his pince-nez, and, looking straight at the clever young
+gentleman, asked, in the mildest possible tone, 'My dear Sir, have you
+ever _read Macbeth?_' So," resumes the Baron, "I am inclined to ask
+Mr. BLACK'S young man, 'Do you _know_ Ramsgate?' And of course I mean
+the Ramsgate of 1890."
+
+From the specimens of _London City_ that have been sent for inspection
+by Messrs. FIELD & TUER, of the Leadenhall Press, who are bringing it
+out, the Baron augurs a grand result, artistically and financially. It
+is to be published at forty-two shillings, but subscribers will get
+it for a guinea, so intending possessors had evidently better become
+subscribers. The history of the Great City is to be told by Mr. W.J.
+LOFTIE, so that it starts with an elevated tone and the loftiest
+principles, and the illustrations will be by Mr. WM. LUKER, a talented
+draughtsman who, as a Luker-on has seen most of the games in the City.
+In consequence of some piratical publisher having attempted to bring
+out a work under the same title, intended to deceive even the elect,
+Messrs. FIELD & TUER have secured the copyright of the title _London
+City_, by the ingenious device of publishing, for one farthing each,
+five hundred copies of a miniature pamphlet bearing this title, and
+containing the explanation. The value of these eccentric farthing
+pamphlets may one day be thousands of pounds. _Mem_.--Twopence would
+be well invested in purchasing four of them.
+
+_Salads and Sandwiches_ is an attractive title, specially at this
+season. The arrangement of the book is, like the salad, a little
+mixed. When, however, the knowing Baron finds that abomination known
+as salad dressing, or "salad mixing," which is sold at the grocer's,
+recommended by a writer who professes to teach salad-making, then he
+closes the book, and reads no more that day. This author, who is in
+his salad days, might bring out a book entitled _How to Suck Eggs; or,
+Letters to my Grandmother_. It is a suggestion worth considering, says
+
+THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+TO PYRRHA ON THE THAMES.
+
+  O Pyrrha! say what youth in "blazer" drest,
+  Woos you on pleasant Thames these summer eves;
+  For whom do you put on that dainty vest,
+  That sky-blue ribbon and those _gigot_ sleeves.
+
+  "_Simplex munditiis_," as HORACE wrote,
+  And yet, poor lad, he'll find that he is rash;
+  To-morrow you'll adorn some other boat,
+  And smile as kindly on another "mash."
+
+  As for myself--I'm old, and look askance
+  At flannels and flirtation; not for me
+  Youth's idiotic rapture at a glance
+  From maiden eyes: although it comes from thee.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE KNOW.
+
+_(By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.)_
+
+I am a modest man, as well as an honest one. Censure cannot move me
+by one hair's breadth from the narrow path of rectitude; praise cannot
+unduly puff me up. Had I been other than I am, this last week would
+have gone fatally near to ruining that timid and shrinking diffidence
+which (I say it without egotism) marks me off from the poisonous,
+pestilential, hydrocephalous, putty-faced, suet-brained reptiles who
+disgrace the profession to which I belong. All I wish now to do is
+to point out that _I am the only prophet_ who indicated, without any
+beating about the bush, that _Marvel_ would win the Stewards' Cup
+at Goodwood. My admirers have recognised the fact, and my private
+residence has been choked by an avalanche of congratulatory
+despatches, including two or three from some of the highest in the
+land. H.S.H., the Grand Duke of PFEIFENTOPF says:--"You have me with
+your writings much refreshed. I have the whole revenues of the Grand
+Duchy against one thousand _flaschen_ of lager bier gebetted, and I
+have won him on your noble advice on _Marvel_. I make you Commander of
+the Honigthau Order." I merely cite this to show that my appreciators
+are not to one country confined--I mean, confined to one country.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+What did I say last week, in speaking of the Stewards' Cup horses? By
+the well-known grammatical figure known as the _hysteroproteron,_
+I mentioned _Marvel_ last, intending, of course, as even a
+buffalo-headed Bedlamite might have seen, that he should be first. And
+he was first. But to make assurance doubly sure, and to bring prophecy
+down to the intellectual level of a bat, I added, in speaking of the
+winner, that he "would certainly be a _Marvel_." I say no more. As the
+great Cardinal once observed to his chief of police, "_Je te verrai
+souffle d'abord,"_ so I reply to those who wish me to reveal the
+secret of my success. Mr. J. knows it not, and no single member of
+the imbecile, anserous, asinine, cow-hocked, spavin-brained, venomous,
+hugger-mugger purveyors of puddling balderdash who follow him has the
+least conception of my glorious system. But I am willing to teach,
+though I have nothing to learn. For six halfpenny stamps those who
+desire to _know_, shall receive my pamphlet on "Book-making."
+Every applicant must send his photograph with his application, not
+necessarily for publication, but as a guarantee of good faith.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUR LE TAPIS."--It was a carpet that ostensibly parted an eminent
+firm of composer, author, and theatrical manager. W.S.G. didn't want
+D'OYLY CARPET--no, beg pardon, should have written D'OYLY CARTE to
+have _carte blanche_. [Pretty name this. Is there a BLANCHE CARTE? If
+not, "make it so."]--to do whatever he liked whenever he liked with
+the decorating and upholstering of the theatre. And recently another
+carpet, not in connection with the above firm, created a difficulty.
+What's a thousand-guinea carpet to a man who likes this sort of
+thing? Nothing. Yet as _amici curiae_, we would have thought that that
+Tottenham Road carpet might have been kept out of Court. Wasn't that a
+Blunder, MAPLE?
+
+[Illustration: THE LOVE LETTER.--A STUDY OF INDISCRETION.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FROM NILE TO NEVA.
+
+    ["And the Egyptians made the children of Israel to serve
+    with rigour. And they made their lives bitter with hard
+    bondage."--_Exodus._
+
+    "The Russian Government, by the new edicts legalises
+    persecution, and openly declares war against the Jews of the
+    Empire."--_Times._]
+
+  "BEWARE!" 'Tis a voice from the shades,
+  from the dark of three thousand long years,
+  But it falls like the red blade of RA, and
+  should echo in Tyranny's ears
+  With the terror of overhead thunder; from
+  Nile to the Neva it thrills,
+  And it speaks of the judgment of wrong, of
+  the doom of imperious wills.
+  When PENTAOUR sang of the PHARAOH, alone
+  by Orontes, at bay,
+  By the chariots compassed about of the foe
+  who were fierce for the fray,
+  He sang of the dauntless oppressor, of RAMESES,
+  conquering king;
+  But were there such voice by the Neva to-day,
+  of what now should he sing?
+  Of tyranny born out of time, of oppression
+  belated and vain?
+  Put up the old weapon, O despot, slack hand
+  from the scourge and the chain;
+  For the days of the PHARAOHS are done, and
+  the laureates of tyranny mute,
+  And the whistle of falchion and flail are not
+  set to the chords of the lute.
+  True, the Hebrew, who bowed to the lash of
+  the Pyramid-builders, bows still,
+  For a time, to the knout of the TSAR, to the
+  Muscovite's merciless will;
+  But four millions of Israel's children are not
+  to be crushed in the path
+  Of a TSAR, like the Hittites of old, when great
+  RAMESES flamed in his wrath
+  Alone through their numberless hosts. No,
+  the days of the Titans of Wrong
+  Are past, for the Truth is a torch, and the
+  voice of the peoples is strong.
+  Even PENTAOUR, the poet of Might, spake in
+  pity that rings down the years
+  Of the life of "the peasant that tills" of his
+  terrible toil and his tears;
+  Of the rats and the locusts that ravaged, and,
+  worse, the tax-gathering horde
+  Who tithed all his pitiful tilth with the aid
+  of the stick and the cord;
+  And the splendour of RAMESES pales in the
+  text of the old Coptic Muse,
+  And--one hears the mad rush of the wheels
+  that the fierce Red Sea billow pursues!
+
+  O Muscovite, blind in your wrath, with
+  your heel on the Israelite's neck,
+  And your hand on that baleful old blade,
+  Persecution, 'twere wisdom to reck
+  The PHARAOH'S calm warning. Beware!
+  Lo, the Pyramids pierce the grey gloom
+  Of a desert that is but a waste, by a river
+  that is but a tomb,
+  Yet the Hebrew abides and is strong.
+  AMENEMAN is gone to the ghosts,
+  He the prince of the Coptic police who so
+  harried the Israelite hosts
+  When their lives with hard-bondage were
+  bitter. And now bitter bondage you'd try.
+  Proscription, and exile, and stern deprivation.
+  Beware, Sire! Put by
+  That blade in its blood-rusted scabbard. The
+  PHARAOHS, the CAESARS have found
+  That it wounds him who wields it; and you,
+  though your victim there, prone on the ground,
+  Look helpless and hopeless, you also shall find
+  Persecution a bane
+  Which shall lead to a Red Sea of blood to
+  o'erwhelm selfish Tyranny's train.
+  "Beware!" Tis the shade of MENEPTHA
+  that whispers the warning from far.
+  Concerning _that_ sword there's a lesson the
+  PHARAOH may teach to the TSAR!
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"REWARDS FOR GALLANTRY."--Among the numerous rewards mentioned in the
+_Times_ of last Thursday, the magnificent gold watch, with monogram
+in diamonds, presented by the Royal Italian Opera Company to AUGUSTUS
+DRURIOLANUS at the close of the present exceptionally successful
+season, was not mentioned. Most appropriate present from the persons
+up to tune to one who is always up to time. The umble individual who
+writes this paragraph only wishes some company--Italian, French, no
+matter which--would present _him_ with a golden and diamonded watch.
+"O my prophetic soul! My Uncle!!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRICE OF IT.
+
+  GLADSTONE'S latest Benedicite
+  Is bestowed on "free publicity."
+  'Tis the thing that we all strive at,
+  Praise in speech, and hate--in private!
+  Where are pride, reserve, simplicity?
+  Fled for ever--from Publicity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MORE LIGHT!"--The Berners Hotel Co., with Mr. GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA
+as Chairman, should at once be advertised as "The G.A.S.-Berners Hotel
+Co.," and, of course, no electric lighting would be used. Mr. SIMS
+REEVES is also a Director of this Hotel Company. So it starts with a
+tenner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Socialistic Military Novel. By JAMES ODD SUMMER. _One Iron Soldier,
+and the Led Captain._
+
+[Illustration: FROM THE NILE TO THE NEVA.
+
+SHADE OF PHARAOH. "FORBEAR! THAT WEAPON ALWAYS WOUNDS THE HAND THAT
+WIELDS IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.
+
+No. XII.--CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER.
+
+_(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")_
+
+CHARACTERS.
+
+_Conrad (aged 6). Conrad's Mother (47). The Scissorman (age
+immaterial)._
+
+SCENE--_An Apartment in the house of_ CONRAD'S _Mother, window in
+centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the
+room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street lamps._
+CONRAD _discovered half-hidden by left window-curtain._
+
+_Conrad (watching street)._ Still there! For full an hour he has not
+budged beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays! The gaslight falls
+upon his crimson hose, and makes a steely glitter at his thigh, while
+from the shadow peers a hatchet-face and fixes sinister malignant
+eyes--on whom? _(Shuddering.)_ I dare not trust myself to guess! And
+yet--ah, no--it cannot be myself! I am so young--one is still young at
+six!--What man can say that I have injured him? Since, in my Mother's
+absence all the day engaged upon Municipal affairs, I peacefully
+beguile the weary hours by suction of consolatory thumbs. _(Here he
+inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with
+a start.)_ Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more--but draw the
+blind and shut my terror out. _(Draws blind and lights candle; Stage
+lightens.)_ Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home! _(Listening.)_ At
+last. I hear her latchkey in the door!
+
+_Enter_ CONRAD'S Mother, _a lady of strong-minded appearance,
+rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents._
+
+_Conrad's M._ Would, CONRAD, that you were of riper years, so you
+might share your Mother's joy to-day, the day that crowns her long and
+arduous toil as one of London's County Councillors!
+
+_Conrad._ Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature, one topic still
+can charm my infant ear, that ever craves the oft-repeated tale. I
+love to hear of that august Assembly _(his Mother lifts her bonnet
+solemnly)_ in which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!
+
+_C's. M. (gratified)._ Learn, CONRAD, then, that, after many months
+of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?) the measure by my
+foresight introduced has triumphed by a bare majority!
+
+_Con._ My bosom thrills with dutiful delight--although I yet for
+information wait as to the scope and purpose of the statute.
+
+_C's. M._ You show an interest so intelligent that well deserves it
+should be satisfied. Be seated, CONRAD, at your Mother's knee, and you
+shall hear the full particulars. You know how zealously I advocate the
+sacred cause of Nursery Reform? How through my efforts every infant's
+toys are carefully inspected once a month--?
+
+_Con. (wearily)._ Nay, Mother, you forget--I _have_ no toys.
+
+_C's. M._ Which brings you under the exemption clause. But--to resume;
+how Nursery Songs and Tales must now be duly licensed by our Censor,
+and any deviation from the text forbidden under heavy penalties? All
+that you know. Well; with concern of late, I have remarked among our
+infancy the rapid increase of a baneful habit on which I scarce
+can bring my tongue to dwell. _(The Stage darker; blind at back
+illuminated.)_ Oh, CONRAD, there are children--think of it!--so lost
+to every sense of decency that, in mere wantonness or brainless
+sloth, they obstinately suck forbidden thumbs! (CONRAD _starts
+with irrepressible emotion.)_ Forgive me if I shock your innocence!
+_(Sadly.)_ Such things exist--but soon shall cease to be, thanks to
+the measure we have passed to-day!
+
+_Con. (with growing uneasiness)._ But how can statutes check such
+practices?
+
+_C's M. (patting his head)._ Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come
+to that. Some timid sentimentalists advised compulsory restraint in
+woollen gloves, or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes. _I_ saw the evil
+had too deep a seat to yield to such half-hearted remedies. No; we
+must cut, ere we could hope to cure! Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill
+appoints a new official, by the style and title of "London County
+Council Scissorman," for the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."
+
+_[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears
+appears upon the blind.]_
+
+_Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap)._ Ah, Mother, see!... the
+scissors!... On the blind!
+
+_C's. M._ Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear. The shadow of
+his grim insignia should have no terror--save for thumb-suckers.
+
+_Con._ And what for _them_?
+
+_C's. M. (complacently)._ A doom devised by me--the confiscation of
+the culprit thumbs. Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects, for
+those who have no thumbs can err no more.
+
+_[The Shadow slowly passes on the blind_, CONRAD _appearing relieved
+at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet._
+
+_C's M._ Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?
+
+_A Voice._ Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!
+
+_C's M._ 'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman, who doubtless calls
+to thank me for the post.
+
+_Con. (with a gloomy determination)._ More like his business, Madam,
+is with--Me!
+
+_C's. M. (suddenly enlightened)._ A Suck-a-thumb?... _you_, CONRAD?
+
+_C. (desperately)._ Ay,--from birth!
+
+_[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking
+is renewed._
+
+_C's. M._ Oh, this is horrible--it must not be! I'll shoot the bolt
+and barricade the door.
+
+[CONRAD _places himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone
+of incisive irony._
+
+_Con._ Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late? is't thus that
+you the Roman Matron play? Trick not a statute of your own devising.
+Come, your official's waiting--let him in! (C's. M. _shrinks back
+appalled._) So? you refuse!--(_throwing open door_)--then--enter,
+Scissorman!
+
+_[Enter the_ Scissorman, _masked and in red tights, with his hand upon
+the hilt of his shears._
+
+_The S. (in a passionless tone)._ Though sorry to create
+unpleasantness, I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman, which my
+own eyes have marked between his lips.
+
+_C's. M. (frantically)._ Thou minion of a meddling tyranny, go
+exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!
+
+_The S. (civilly)._ I've duties here that must be first performed.
+
+_C's. M. (wildly)._ Take my thumbs for his!
+
+_The S._ 'Tis not the law--which is a model of lucidity.
+
+_Con. (calmly)._ Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited, and
+they alone must pay the penalty.
+
+_The S. (with approval)._ Right! Step with me into the outer hall, and
+have the business done without delay.
+
+_C's. M. (throwing herself between them)._ Stay! I'm a
+Councillor--this law was _mine!_ Hereby I do suspend the clause I
+drew.
+
+_The S._ You should have drawn it milder.
+
+_Con._ Must I teach a parent laws were meant to be obeyed? [_To_ Sc.]
+Lead on, Sir. _(To his_ Mother _with cold courtesy.)_ Madam,--may I
+trouble you?
+
+_[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the_ S.; _the door
+is shut and fastened from without._ C's. M. _rushes to door which she
+attempts to force without success._
+
+_C's. M._ In vain I batter at a senseless door, I'll to the keyhole
+train my tortured ear. _(Listening.)_ Dead silence!... is it over--or,
+to come? Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?... Again! and
+followed by the sullen thud of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!...
+
+_[The door is opened and_ CONRAD _appears, pale but erect,--N.B. The
+whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca"--which,
+however, it exceeds in horror and intensity._
+
+_C's. M._ They send him back to me, bereft of both! My CONRAD!
+What?--repulse a Mother's Arms!
+
+_Con. (with chilling composure)._ Yes, Madam, for between us ever
+more, a barrier invisible is raised, and should I strive to reach
+those arms again, two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back--the
+thumbs I sucked, in blissful ignorance, the thumbs that solaced me
+in solitude, the thumbs your County Council took from me, and your
+endearments scarcely will replace! Where, Madam, lay the harm in
+sucking them? The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw, his paws
+sustain the hibernating bear--and you decree no law to punish
+_them_! Yet, in your rage for infantine reform, you rushed this most
+ridiculous enactment--its earliest victim your neglected son!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_C's. M. (falling at his feet)._ Say, CONRAD, you will some day pardon
+me?
+
+_Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.)_ I will,--the day
+these pollards send forth shoots!
+
+_[His_ Mother _turns aside with a heartbroken wail_; CONRAD _standing
+apart in gloomy estrangement as the Curtain descends._
+
+[Illustration: "RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM".
+
+_Colonel North and Lord Dunraven._ "COME ALONG WITH US, GRANDOLPH.
+WE'VE GOT A BETTER LOT THAN THAT."]
+
+"RUNNING HIS EYE OVER THEM."
+
+
+  GRANDOLPH _muses_:--"My Kingdom for a horse!"
+  Ah, well!
+  The question is,--which _is_ my Kingdom?
+  I'm bound to own there _is_ a spell
+  In Turfdom, Stabledom, and Ringdom,
+  The spell that Lord GEORGE BENTICK knew,
+  As DIZZY tells, _I_ feel it too.
+
+  He won brief leadership, who might
+  Have won the Derby! Which was better?
+  There's rapture in a racer's flight,
+  There's rust on the official fetter.
+  Of me the Press tells taradiddles!
+  Well, I do set the fools strange riddles!
+
+  "Fourth Party!" He was no bad start
+  For a new stable, but he's done with.
+  "Tory Democracy!" No heart!
+  But 'tis a mount I've had good fun with.
+  "Leader!" "Economy!" "Sobriety!"
+  My Stable has not lacked variety.
+
+  What does NORTH say? A ragged lot?
+  Try a new string? And you, DUNRAVEN?
+  Humph! Fancy does blow cold and hot.
+  Audacious now, and now half craven.
+  Well, freak's an unexhausted fount.
+  Mentor, can _you_ guess my next mount?
+
+[Illustration: A CAREFUL MAN.
+
+_Host._ "HULLO! WATERING MY CHAMPAGNE! AFRAID OF ITS GETTING INTO
+YOUR _HEAD_, I SUPPOSE?"
+
+_Guest._ "No! IT'S NOT MY _HEAD_ I'M AFRAID OF WITH _YOUR_
+CHAMPAGNE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PITHY JAYNE.
+
+    [DR. JAYNE, Bishop of Chester, at a Conference of the Girl's
+    Friendly Society, at Chester, said that until they were
+    prepared to introduce basket-making into London Society as a
+    substitute for quadrilles and waltzes, he was not disposed to
+    accept it as an equivalent for balls and dances among girls of
+    other classes.]
+
+AIR.--"_My Pretty Jane_."
+
+  My pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  _Punch_ fancies you looked sly
+  When you met them, met them down at Chester,
+  And gave them "one in the eye."
+  Bigotry's waning fast, my boy,
+  But Cant we sometimes hear,
+  And Chester cant is pestilent cant,
+  My Lord, that's pretty clear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Of smiting don't be shy;
+  But meet them, meet the moonstruck Puritans
+  And tell them it's all my eye.
+
+  'Tis only play, and harmless play,
+  Like kissing in the ring,
+  When lads and lasses of spirits gay
+  Dance like young lambs in Spring.
+  That Spring will wane too fast, alas!
+  But while it yet is here,
+  Let youth enjoy, or girl or boy,
+  The dance to youth so dear.
+  Then pithy JAYNE, my plucky JAYNE,
+  Don't heed the bigot's cry,
+  But meet them, meet them down at Chester
+  And teach them Charity!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+[Illustration: Turning over fresh Leaves.]
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, July 28._--STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL are
+amongst the most regular visitors to our lobby from House of Lords.
+RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA run them pretty close, but come in only
+a good second. Moreover, whilst RAVENSWORTH and UMBRELLA rarely go
+beyond the lobby, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL press forward into Gallery
+reserved for Peers, and there sweetly go to sleep, "Like Babes in the
+Wood," says Colonel MALCOLM, turning over leaves of Orders as if he
+would like to complete the simile by acting the part of the birds.
+To-night STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL leave us forlorn. They have business
+in their own House; been long concerned for interests of State as
+affected by the MARKISS'S persistence in combining office of Premier
+with that of Foreign Secretary.
+
+"It would be too much even for us," said STRATHEDEN, in conversation
+we had before House met; "and," he continued, "though I say it what
+shouldn't, I don't know any arrangement that would be happier or more
+complete than if we undertook the job. What do you say, CAMPBELL?
+Would you be Premier, or would you take the Foreign Seals?"
+
+"The Premier place is yours," said CAMPBELL, gallantly; "at least,
+it is now. When we first started in life we used to call ourselves
+CAMPBELL and STRATHEDEN. You'll find it so in the _Peerages_ of
+earlier date; now it's the other way about, and STRATHEDEN takes the
+_pas_."
+
+"That was entirely your doing, CAMPBELL, said STRATHEDEN; so modest,
+so retiring, so thoughtful! After we'd been known as CAMPBELL and
+STRATHEDEN for good many years, you came to me and said it was my turn
+now. I objected; you insisted; and here we are, a power in the State,
+an object of interest in the Commons, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL in the
+Lords."
+
+"A little awkward, don't you think," I ventured to say, edging in a
+word, "for you two fellows to take this strong stand against duality?"
+
+"Not at all," said STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL, both together; "we are
+authorities on the subject, and we say that the MARKISS cannot in his
+single person adequately perform the dual duties pertaining to his
+high offices; therefore we shall go and move our resolution protesting
+against arrangement."
+
+Pretty to see them marching off. Always walk on tip-toe; ROSEBERY says
+it is a practice adopted so as not to disturb each other when engaged
+in thinking out deep problems; two of the best and the happiest old
+fellows in the world; their only trouble is that on divisions their
+vote should count as only one. CAMPBELL, in whom hot Cupar blood
+flows, once proposed to raise question of privilege, but soothed by
+STRATHEDEN, who has in him a strong strain of the diplomatic character
+of his grandfather, ABINGER.
+
+_Business done._--In the Lords, STRATHEDEN and CAMPBELL raised
+question of MARKISS as Premier and Foreign Secretary. In Commons,
+Anglo-German Agreement sanctioned.
+
+_Tuesday._--Scotch Members had their innings to-night; played a pretty
+stiff game till, at twelve o'clock, stumps drawn. All about what used
+to be called the Compensation Bill. Got a new name now; Compensation
+Clauses dropped; but JOKIM finds it dreary work dragging the wreck
+along.
+
+"Seems to me, Tony," he said with a sob in his voice, "that whatever
+I do is wrong. This Bill has gone through various transmogrifications
+since; with a light heart, I brought it in as part of Budget scheme.
+But it's all the same. Hit high or hit low, I can't please 'em. Begin
+to think if there were any other business open for me, should chuck
+this up."
+
+"Ever been in the carpet-cleaning line?" said MAPLE-BLUNDELL, in harsh
+voice, and with curiously soured face. Generally beams through life
+as if it were all sunshine. Now cloud Seems to have fallen over his
+expansive person, and he is as gloomy as JOKIM.
+
+[Illustration: Floored by the Carpet.]
+
+"It's all very well for you," he continues, glowering at JOKIM, "to
+complain of your lot; but till you go into the carpet-cleaning line
+you never know what vicissitudes mean. One day, alighting from your
+four-in-hand, and happily able to spare to Tottenham Court Road a few
+moments from direction of national affairs, you look in at your shop;
+enter a lady who says she wants a carpet cleaned. 'Very well' you say
+rubbing your hands, and smiling blandly; 'and what will be the next
+article.' Nothing more. Only this blooming carpet, out of which, when
+the job is finished and it is sent home you make a modest five bob.
+Your keen insight into figures, JOKIM, will convince you that the coin
+colloquially known as five bob won't go far to enable you to cut a
+figure in Society, drive four-in-hand, give pic-nics in your park to
+the Primrose League, and subscribe to the Canton Fund. However, there
+it is; carpet comes; you send it out in usual way, and what happens?
+Why it blows itself up, kills two boys, lames a man, and then you
+discover that you've been entertaining unawares a carpet worth L1000
+which you have to pay. Did that ever happen to you at the Treasury?"
+MAPLE-BLUNDELL fiercely demanded. JOKIM forced to admit that his
+infinite sorrows had never taken that particular turn.
+
+"Very well, then," snapped MAPLE-BLUNDELL, "don't talk to me about
+your troubles. As far as I know this is the only carpet in the world
+valued at L1000; it is certainly the only one that ever went off by
+spontaneous combustion; and I had this particular carpet in charge, at
+the very moment when it was ready to combust spontaneously."
+
+"Yes," said JOKIM, softly, as MAPLE-BLUNDELL went off, viciously
+stamping on the carpet that covers the Library floor, "we all have
+our troubles, and when I think of MAPLE-BLUNDELL and his combustible
+carpet I am able the better to bear the woes I have."
+
+[Illustration: ? ? ?]   _Business done._--In Committee on Local
+Taxation Bill.
+
+_Thursday._--"True, TOBY," OLD MORALITY said, in reply to an
+observation, "I am a little tired, and naturally; things haven't been
+going so well as they did; but I could get along well enough if it
+wasn't for SUMMERS. CONEYBEARE'S cantankerous; STORY is strenuous;
+TANNER tedious; and DILLON denunciatory. But there's something about
+SUMMERS that is peculiarly aggravating. In the first place, he is, as
+far as appearances go, such a quiet, amiable, inoffensive young man.
+Looking at him, one would think that butter wouldn't melt in his
+mouth, much less that Mixed Marriages in Malta should keep him awake
+at night, and the question of International Arbitration should lower
+his appetite. Yet you know how it is. He seems to have some leisure
+on his hands; uses it to formulate conundrums; comes down here, and
+propounds them to me. Just look at his list for to-night.
+LINTORN SIMMONDS'S Mission to the POPE; Customs' Duty in Algeria;
+International Arbitration; Walfish Bay, and Damara Land, together with
+the view the Cape Colonies may take of the Anglo-German Agreement.
+That pretty well for one night; but he's gone off now, to look up a
+fresh batch, which he'll unfold to-morrow. Now is the winter of our
+discontent, which is chilly enough; but, for my part, I often think
+that life would be endurable only for its SUMMERS."
+
+Haven't often heard OLD MORALITY speak so bitterly; generally, even at
+worst time, overflowing with geniality; ready to take kindest view of
+circumstances, and hope for the best. But SUMMERS, surveying mankind
+from China to Peru in search of material for fresh conundrum, too much
+for mildest-mannered man. OLD MORALITY, goaded to verge of madness,
+jumps up; hotly declines to reply to SUMMERS; begs him to address his
+questions to Ministers to whose Department they belonged.
+
+_Business done._--Local Taxation Bill through Committee.
+
+_Friday._--Still in our ashes live our wonted fires. Dwelling just now
+amid ashes of expiring Session; everything dull and deadly; pounding
+away at Local Taxation Bill; Scotch Members to the fore, for the
+fortieth time urging that the L40,000 allotted them in relief of
+school fees shall be made L90,000. House divides, and also for
+fortieth time says "No;" expect to go on with next Amendment; when
+suddenly HARCOURT springs on OLD MORALITY'S back, digs his knuckles
+into his eyes, bites his ear, and observes that he "has never seen a
+piece of more unexampled insolence." OLD MORALITY, when he recovers
+breath, goes and tells the Master--I mean the SPEAKER. SPEAKER says
+HARCOURT shouldn't use language like that; so HARCOURT subsides, and
+incident closes as rapidly and suddenly as it opened.
+
+A little later COMPTON goes for RAIKES; hints that he sub-edited
+for _Hansard_ portions of a speech delivered in House on Post Office
+affairs. RAIKES says "Noble Lord charged me with having deliberately
+falsified my speech." COMPTON says he didn't. "Then," said RAIKES,
+with pleading voice that went to every heart, "I wish the Noble Lord
+had the manliness to charge me with deliberate falsification." COMPTON
+refused to oblige; RAIKES really depressed.
+
+"Don't know what we're coming to, TOBY," he said, "when one almost
+goes on his knees to ask a man to charge him with deliberate
+falsification, and he won't do it. Thought better of COMPTON; see him
+in his true light now." _Business done._--A good deal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SPORTING STYLE.
+
+Our next example of a true sporting style will be constructed on
+the basis of Nos. 11, 12, and 13 of the Rules. These, it will be
+remembered, require the writer to refer to "the good old days;" to be
+haughty and contemptuous, with a parade of rugged honesty; to be vain
+and offensive, and to set himself up as an infallible judge of every
+branch of sport and athletics. This particular variety of style is
+always immensely effective. All the pot--boys of the Metropolis, most
+of the shady bookmakers, and a considerable proportion of the patrons
+of sport swear by it, and even the most thoughtful who read it cannot
+fail to be impressed by its splendour. This style deals in paragraphs.
+_Second Example._--Event to be commented on: A Regatta.
+
+I am led to believe by column upon column of wishy-washy twaddle in
+the morning papers, that Henley Regatta has actually taken place. The
+effete parasites of a decayed aristocracy who direct this gathering
+endeavour year after year to make the world believe that theirs is
+the only meeting at which honour has the least chance of bursting
+into flower. I have my own opinions on this point. Really, these tenth
+transmitters of foolish faces become more and more brazen in their
+attempts to palm off their miserable two-penny-halfpenny, tin-pot,
+one-horse Regatta as the combination of all the cardinal virtues.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+These gentry presume to dictate to rowing men what shall constitute
+the status of the Amateur. For my own part (and the world will
+acknowledge that I have done some rowing in my time) I prefer the
+straight-forward conduct of any passing rag-and-bone merchant to the
+tricks of the high and mighty champions of the amateur qualification
+in whose nostrils the mere name of professional oarsman seems
+to stink. These pampered denizens of the amateur hothouse would,
+doubtless, wear a kid-glove before they ventured to shake hands with
+one who, like myself, despises them and their absurd pretensions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *short
+
+As for the rowing, it was fantastic. I wasn't there. Indeed, those who
+know me, would never think so meanly of me as to suppose that I would
+attend this Regatta _pour rire_. But I know enough to be sure that the
+Eights were slow, the Fours deficient in pace, the pairs on the minus
+side of nothing, and the scullers preposterous. Rowing must be in a
+bad way when it can boast no better champions (save the mark!) than
+those who last week aired their incompetence, and impeded the traffic
+of the people upon the Thames. Time was when an oarsman was an
+oarsman, but now he is a miserable cross between a Belgravian flunkey
+and a riverside tout. Which is all I care to say on an unsavoury
+matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+99, August 9, 1890., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 12825.txt or 12825.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/2/8/2/12825/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Sandra Brown and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/old/12825.zip b/old/12825.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1241125
--- /dev/null
+++ b/old/12825.zip