initial commit of ebook 15442HEADmain

26 files changed, 5787 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/15442-8.txt b/15442-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..95f4c4a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1657 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101,
+October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101, October 31, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15442]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+October 31, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+YOUNG GRANDOLPH'S BARTY.
+
+(_Afrikander Version of the great Breitmann Ballad, penned, "more
+in sorrow than in anger," by a "Deutscher" resident in the distant
+regions where the Correspondent of the "Daily Graphic" is, like der
+Herr Breitmann himself, "drafellin' apout like eferydings._")
+
+[Illustration: (Y)]
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Vhere is dat Barty now?
+  He fell'd in luf mit der African goldt;
+    Mit SOLLY he'd hat a row;
+  He dinks dat his secession
+    Would make der resht look plue,
+  But, before he drafel vast and var,
+    His Barty sphlit in two.
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Dere vash B-LF-R, W-LFF, and G-RST,
+  Dey haf vorgot deir "Leater,"
+    Und dat ish not deir vorst.
+  B-LF-R vill "boss" der Commons,
+    Vhile GRANDOLPH--sore disgraced--
+  Ish "oop a tree," like der Bumble Bee,
+    Und W-LFF and G-RST are "placed."
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Vhen he dat Barty led,
+  B-LF-R vash but a "Bummer,"
+    A loafing lollop-head.
+  Young Tories schvore by GRANDOLPH,
+    (Dey schvear _at_ GRANDOLPH now,)
+  Now at de feet of der "lank æsthete"
+    Der _Times_ itshelf doth bow!
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,
+    Dere all vash "Souse und Brouse."[1]
+  Now he hets not dat prave gompany
+    All in der Commons House,
+  To see _him_ skywgle GL-DST-NE,
+    Und schlog him on der kop.
+  Young Tory bloods no longer shout
+    Till der SCHPEAKER bids dem shtop.
+
+  Und, like dat Rhine Mermaiden
+    "Vot hadn't got nodings on,"
+  Dey "don't dink mooch of beoplesh
+    Vat goes mit demselfs alone!"
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH _hat_ a Barty--
+    Where ish dat Barty now?
+  Where ish dat oder ARTHUR's song
+    Vot darkened der Champerlain's prow?
+  Where ish de himmelstrahlende stern,
+    De shtar of der Tory fight?
+  All gon'd afay, as on Woodcock's wing,
+    Afay in de ewigkeit!
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty;
+    He hunt der lions now,
+  All in der lone Mashonaland,
+    But he does not "score"--somehow.
+  One Grand Old Lion he dared to peard,
+    Und he "potted" Earls and Dukes,
+  But eight or nine real lions at once,
+    He thinks are "_trop de luxe_"
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,
+    But he scooted 'cross der sea,
+  Und he tidn't say to dem, "Come, my poys,
+    Und drafel along mit me!"
+
+[Footnote 1: _Saus und Braus_--Ger., Riot and Bustle.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"CORRECT CARD, GENTS!"--"Wanted a Map of London" was the heading of
+a letter in the _Times_ last Thursday. No, Sir! that's not what is
+wanted. There are hundreds of 'em, specially seductive pocket ones,
+with just the very streets that one wants to discover as short cuts
+to great centres carefully omitted. What _is_ wanted is a _correct_
+map of London, divided into pocketable sections, portable, foldable,
+durable, on canvas,--but if imperfect, as so many of these small
+pocket catch-shilling ones are just now, although professedly
+brought up to date '91, they are worse than useless, and to purchase
+one is a waste of time, temper and money. We could mention an
+attractive-looking little map--which, but no-- Publishers and public
+are hereby cautioned! N.B.--Test well your pocket map through a
+magnifying glass before buying. _Experto crede!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OYSTERLESS.
+
+(_BY AN IMPECUNIOUS GOURMET_.)
+
+    [Oysters are very dear, and are likely, as the season
+    advances, to be still higher in price.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, Oyster mine! Oh, Oyster mine!
+    You're still as exquisitely nice;
+  With perfect pearly tints you shine,
+    But you are such an awful price.
+  The lemon and the fresh cayenne,
+    Brown bread and butter and the stout
+  Are here, and just the same, but then
+    What if I have to leave you out?
+
+  What wonder that my spirits droop,
+    That life can bring me no delight,
+  When I must give up oyster soup,
+    So softly delicately white.
+  The curry powder stands anear,
+    The scallop shells, but what care I--
+  You're so abominably dear,
+    O Oyster! that I cannot buy.
+
+  With sad imaginative flights,
+    I think upon the days of yore;
+  Like TICKLER, on Ambrosian nights,
+    I have consumed them by the score.
+  And still, whenever you appeared,
+    My pride it was to use you well;
+  I let the juice play round your beard,
+    And always on the hollow shell.
+
+  I placed you in the fair lark-pie.
+    With steak and kidneys too, of course;
+  Your ancestors were glad to die,
+    So well I made the oyster sauce.
+  I had you stewed and featly fried,
+    And dipped in batter--think of that;
+  And, as a pleasant change, I've tried
+    You, skewered in rows, with bacon-fat.
+
+  "Where art thou, ALICE?" cried the bard.
+    "Where art thou, Oyster?" I exclaim.
+  It really is extremely hard,
+    To know thee nothing but a name.
+  For this is surely torment worse
+    Than DANTE heaped upon his dead;--
+  To find thee quite beyond my purse,
+    And so go oysterless to bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_À PROPOS_ OF THE SECRETARY FOR WAR'S ROSEATE AFTER--DINNER
+SPEECH (_on the entirely satisfactory state of the Army
+generally_).--(STAN-)"HOPE told a flattering tale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY MEM.--The Dean of Christ Church will keep his seat till
+Christmas, and just a LIDDELL longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RAVEN.
+
+(_Very Latest War-Office Version. See Mr. Stanhope's After-Dinner
+Speech at the Holborn Restaurant (Oct. 17), and Letter in "Times"
+(Oct. 21) on "Pangloss at the War Office."_)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Secretarial Pangloss sings:_--
+
+  Late, upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, tired but cheery,
+  Over many an optimistic record of War Office lore;
+  Whilst I worked, assorting, mapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+  As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my Office-door.
+  "Some late messenger," I muttered, "tapping at my Office-door--
+            Only this, but it's a bore."
+
+  I remember--being sober--it was in the chill October,
+  Light from the electric globe or horseshoe lighted wall and floor;
+  Also that it was the morrow of the Holborn Banquet; sorrow
+  From the Blue Books croakers borrow--sorrow for the days of yore,
+  For the days when "_Rule Britannia_" sounded far o'er sea and shore.
+            Ah! it _must_ have been a bore!
+
+  But on that let's draw the curtain. I am simply cock-sure--certain
+  That "our splendid little Army" never was so fine before.
+  It will take a lot of beating! Such remarks I keep repeating;
+  They come handy--after eating, and are always sure to score--
+  Dash that rapping chap entreating entrance at my Office-door!
+            It is an infernal bore!
+
+  Presently I grew more placid (Optimists should not be acid.)
+  "Come in!" I exclaimed--"con_found_ you! Pray stand drumming there
+          no more."
+  But the donkey still kept tapping. "Dolt!" I muttered, sharply
+          snapping,
+  "Why the deuce do you come rapping, rapping at my Office-door?
+  Yet not 'enter' when you're told to?"--here I opened wide the door--
+            Darkness there, and nothing more.
+
+  Open next I flung the shutter, when, with a prodigious flutter,
+  In there stepped a bumptious Raven, black as any blackamoor.
+  Not the least obeisance made he, not a moment stopped or stayed he,
+  But with scornful look, though shady, perched above my Office-door,
+  Perched upon BRITANNIA's bust that stood above my Office-door--
+            Perched, and sat, and seemed to snore.
+
+  "Well," I said, sardonic smiling, "this is really rather riling;
+  "It comports not with decorum such as the War Office bore
+  In old days stiff and clean-shaven. Dub me a Gladstonian craven
+  If I ever saw a Raven at the W.O. before.
+  Tell me what your blessed name is. '_Rule Britannia_' held of yore,"
+            Quoth the bird, "'Tis so no more!"
+
+  Much I marvelled this sophistic fowl to utter pessimistic
+  Fustian, which so little meaning--little relevancy bore
+  To the rule of me and SOLLY; but, although it may sound folly,
+  This strange fowl a strange resemblance to "Our Only General" wore,
+  To the W-LS-L-Y whose pretensions to sound military lore
+            Are becoming quite a bore.
+
+  But the Raven, sitting lonely on that much-peeled bust, spake only
+  Of our Army as a makeshift, small, ill-manned, and precious poor.
+  Drat the pessimistic bird!--he grumbled of "the hurdy-gurdy
+  Marching-past side of a soldier's life in peace." "We've fought
+          before,
+  Winning battles with boy-troops," I cried, "We'll do as we before--"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Nonsense!" said I. "After dinner at the Holborn, as a winner
+  Spake I in the _Pangloss_ spirit to the taxpayers, (_Don't_ snore!)
+  Told them our recruits--who'll master e'en unmerciful disaster,
+  Come in fast and come in faster, quite as good as those of yore,"--
+  "Flattering tales of (Stan) Hope!" cried the bird, whose dismal
+          dirges bore,
+            One dark burden--"Nevermore!"
+
+  "Hang it, Raven, this _is_ riling!" cried I. "Stop your rude
+          reviling!"
+  Then I wheeled my office-chair in front of bird and bust and door;
+  And upon its cushion sinking, "I," I said, "will smash like winking
+  This impeachment you are bringing, O you ominous bird of yore,
+  O you grim, ungainly, ghastly, grumbling, gruesome feathered bore!"
+            Croaked the Raven, "You I'll floor."
+
+  Then methought the bird looked denser, and his cheek became
+          immenser.
+  And he twaddled of VON MOLTKE, and his German Army Corps;
+  "Flattering the tax-payers' vanity," and much similar insanity,
+  In a style that lacked urbanity, till the thing became a bore.
+  "Oh, get out of it!" I cried; "our little Army yet will score."
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Prophet!" said I, "of all evil, that we're 'going to the devil'
+  Has been the old croaker's gospel for a century, and more.
+  Red-gilled Colonels this have chaunted in BRITTANIA's ears
+          undaunted,
+  By their ghosts you must he haunted. Take a Blue-pill, I implore!
+  When our Army meets the foe it's bound to lick him as of yore!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!
+
+  "Prophet!" said I, "that's uncivil. You may go to--well, the devil!
+  That Establishments are 'short,' and 'standards' lowered o'er and
+          o'er.
+  That mere 'weeds,' with chests of maiden, cannot march with
+          knapsack laden;
+  That the heat of sultry Aden, or the cold of Labrador,
+  Such can't stand, _may_ be the truth; but keep it dark, bird, I
+          implore!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Then excuse me, we'll be parting, doleful fowl," I cried,
+          upstarting;
+  "Get thee back to--the Red River, or the Nile's sand-cumbered shore!
+  Leave no 'Magazine' as token of the twaddle you have spoken.
+  What? BRITANNIA stoney-broken? Quit her bust above my door.
+  Take thy hook from the War Office; take thy beak from off my door!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  And the Raven still is sitting, croaking statements most unfitting,
+  On BRITANNIA's much-peeled bust that's placed above my Office-door,
+  And if _Pangloss_, e'en in seeming, lent an ear to his dark
+          dreaming,
+  Useless were official scheming, grants of millions by the score,
+  For my soul were like the shadow that he casts upon the floor,
+            Dark and dismal evermore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+_Aunt Jane_. "THAT MAKES THREE WEDDINGS IN OUR FAMILY WITHIN A
+TWELVEMONTH! IT WILL BE _YOUR_ TURN NEXT, MATILDA!"
+
+_Matilda_. "OH, NO!"
+
+_Aunt Jane_. "WELL, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES,
+YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TUPPER'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY UP TO DATE.
+
+    ["The range of our inquiry was intended to include the whole
+    migratory range for seals.... Our movements were kept most
+    secret."--_Sir George Baden-Powell on the Work of the Behring
+    Sea Commission_.]
+
+  We came, we saw, we--held our tongues (myself--BADEN-POWELL--and
+          Mr. DAWSON.)
+  We popped on each seal-island "unbeknownst," and what we
+          discovered we held our jaws on.
+  We'd five hundred interviews within three months, which I think
+          "cuts the record" in interviewing,
+  Corresponded with 'Frisco, Japan, and Russia; so I hope you'll
+          allow we've been "up and doing."
+  (Not up and _saying_, be't well understood). As TUPPER (the
+          Honourable C.H., Minister
+  Of Fisheries) said, in the style of his namesake, "The fool
+          imagines all Silence is sinister,
+  "But the wise man knows that it's often dexterous." Be sure no
+          inquisitive shyness or bounce'll
+  Make us "too previous" with our Report, which goes first to the
+          QUEEN and the Privy Council.
+  Some bigwig's motto is, "Say and Seal," but as TUPPER remarked a
+          forefinger laying
+  To the dexter side of a fine proboscis, "Our motto at present is,
+          Seal _without_ saying!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEGAL QUERY.--The oldest of the thirteen Judges on the Scotch Bench is
+YOUNG. Any chance for a Junior after this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XII.
+
+    SCENE--_In front of the Hôtel Bodenhaus at Splügen. The
+    Diligence for Bellinzona is having its team attached. An
+    elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk, trying to run
+    through the last hundred pages of a novel from the Hotel
+    Library before her departure. PODBURY is in the Hotel,
+    negotiating for sandwiches. CULCHARD is practising his
+    Italian upon a very dingy gentleman in smoked spectacles, with
+    a shawl round his throat._
+
+_The Dingy Italian_ (_suddenly discovering CULCHARD's nationality_).
+Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us spika Ingelis, I onnerstan' 'im to ze
+bottom-side. (_Laboriously, to CULCHARD, who tries to conceal his
+chagrin._) 'Ow menni time you employ to go since Coire at here? (C.
+_nods with vague encouragement_.) Vich manners of vezzer you vere
+possess troo your travels--mosh ommerella? (C.'s _eyes grow vacant_.)
+Ha, I _tink_ it vood! Zis day ze vicket root sall 'ave plenti 'orse
+to pull, &c., &c. (_Here PODBURY comes up, and puts some rugs the_
+coupé _of the diligence._) You sit at ze beginning-end, hey? better,
+you tink, zan ze mizzle? I too, zen, sall ride at ze front--we vill
+spika Ingelis, altro!
+
+_Podb._ (_overhearing this, with horror_). One minute, CULCHARD. (_He
+draws him aside._) I say, for goodness' sake, don't let's have that
+old organ-grinding Johnny in the _coupé_ with _us_!
+
+_Culch._ Organ-grinder! you are so _very_ insular! For anything you
+can tell, he may be a decayed nobleman.
+
+_Pod._ (_coarsely_). Well, let him decay somewhere else, that's all!
+Just tell the Conductor to shove him in the _intérieur_, do, while I
+nip in the _coupé_ and keep our places.
+
+[Illustration: "An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk."]
+
+    [_CULCHARD, on reflection, adopts this suggestion, and the
+    Italian Gentleman, after fluttering feebly about the_ coupé
+    _door, is unceremoniously bundled by the Conductor into the
+    hinder part of the diligence._
+
+_IN THE BERNARDINO PASS, DURING THE ASCENT._
+
+_Culch._ Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn of the road,
+PODBURY! Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below there, like a toy
+village, and that vast desolate valley, with the grey river rushing
+through it, and the green glacier at the end, and these awful
+snow-covered peaks all round--_look_, man!
+
+_Podb._ I'm looking, old chap. It's all there, right enough!
+
+_Culch._ (_vexed_). It doesn't seem to be making any particular
+impression on you, I must say!
+
+_Podb._ It's making me deuced peckish, I know that--how about lunch,
+eh!
+
+_Culch._ (_pained_). We are going through scenery like this, and all
+you think of is--lunch! (_PODBURY opens a basket._) You may give me
+one of those sandwiches. What made you get _veal_? and the bread's
+all crust, too! Thanks, I'll take some claret.... (_They lunch; the
+vehicle meanwhile toils up to the head of the Pass._) Dear me, we're
+at the top already! These rocks shut out the valley altogether--much
+colder at this height, eh? Don't you find this keen air most
+exhilarating?
+
+_Podb._ (_shivering_). Oh very, do you mind putting your window up?
+Thanks. You seem uncommon chirpy to-day. Beginning to get _over_ it,
+eh?
+
+_Culch._ We shan't get over it for some hours yet.
+
+_Podb._ I didn't mean the Pass, I meant--(_hesitating_)--well, your
+little affair with Miss PRENDERGAST, you know.
+
+_Culch._ My little affair? Get over? (_He suddenly understands._) Oh,
+ah, to be sure. Yes, thank you, my dear fellow, it is not making me
+_particularly_ unhappy. [_He goes into a fit of silent laughter._
+
+_Podb._ Glad to hear it. (_To himself_.) 'Jove, if he only knew what
+_I_ know! [_He chuckles._
+
+_Culch._ You don't appear to be exactly heartbroken?
+
+_Podb._ I? why _should_ I be--about _what_?
+
+_Culch._ (_with an affectation of reserve_). Exactly, I was
+forgetting. (_To himself_.) It's really rather humorous. (_He laughs
+again._) Ha, we're beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy--la bella
+Italia! (_The diligence takes the first curve._) Good Heavens, what a
+turn! We're going at rather a sharp pace for downhill, eh? I suppose
+these Swiss drivers know what they're about, though.
+
+_Podb._ Oh, yes, generally--when they're not drunk. I can only see
+this fellow's boots--but they look to me a trifle squiffy.
+
+_Culch._ (_inspecting them, anxiously_). He does seem to drive
+very recklessly. _Look_ at those leaders--heading right for the
+precipice.... Ah, just saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round!
+
+_Podb._ Topheavy--I expect, too much luggage on board--have another
+sandwich?
+
+_Culch._ Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if it's safe, having no
+parapet, only these stone posts, eh?
+
+_Pod._ Safe enough--unless the wheel catches one--it was as near as a
+toucher just then--aren't you going to smoke? No? _I_ am. By the way,
+what were you so amused about just now, eh?
+
+_Culch._ _Was_ I amused? (_The vehicle gives another tremendous
+lurch._) Really, this is _too_ horrible!
+
+_Podb._ (_with secret enjoyment_). We're right enough, if the horses
+don't happen to stumble. That off-leader isn't over sure-footed--did
+you see _that_? (_Culch. shudders._) But what's the joke about Miss
+PRENDERGAST?
+
+_Culch._ (_irritably_). Oh, for Heaven's sake, don't bother about that
+_now_. I've something else to think about. My goodness, we were nearly
+over that time! What are you looking at?
+
+_Podb._ (_who has been leaning forward_). Only one of the
+traces--they've done it up with a penny ball of string, but I daresay
+it will stand the strain. You aren't _half_ enjoying the view, old
+fellow.
+
+_Culch._ Yes, I am. Magnificent!--glorious!--isn't it?
+
+_Podb._ Find you see it better with your eyes shut? But I say, I wish
+you'd explain what you were sniggering at.
+
+_Culch._ Take my advice, and don't press me, my dear fellow; you may
+regret it if you do!
+
+_Podb._ I'll risk it. It must be a devilish funny joke to tickle you
+like that. Come, out with it!
+
+_Culch._ Well, if you must know, I was laughing.... Oh, he'll _never_
+get those horses round in.... I was--er--rather amused by your evident
+assumption that I must have been _rejected_ by Miss PRENDERGAST.
+
+_Podb._ Oh, was _that_ it? And you're nothing of the kind, eh? [_He
+chuckles again._
+
+_Culch._ (_with dignity_). No doubt you will find it very singular;
+but, as a matter of fact, she--well, she most certainly did not
+_discourage_ my pretensions.
+
+_Podb._ The deuce she didn't! Did she tell you RUSKIN's ideas about
+courtship being a probation, and ask you if you were ready to be under
+vow for her, by any chance?
+
+_Culch._ This is too bad, PODBURY; you must have been there, or you
+couldn't possibly know!
+
+_Podb._ Much obliged, I'm sure. I don't listen behind doors, as a
+general thing. I suppose, now, she set you a trial of some kind, to
+prove your mettle, eh? [_With another chuckle._
+
+_Culch._ (_furiously_). Take care--or I may tell you more than you
+bargain for!
+
+_Podb._ Go on--never mind _me_. Bless you, _I'm_ under vow for her,
+too, my dear boy. Fact!
+
+_Culch._ That's impossible, and I can prove it. The service she
+demanded was, that I should leave Constance at once--with you. Do you
+understand--with _you_, PODBURY!
+
+_Podb._ (_with a prolonged whistle_). My aunt!
+
+_Culch._ (_severely_). You may invoke every female relative you
+possess in the world, but it won't alter the fact, and that alone
+ought to convince you--
+
+_Podb._ Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard _my_ penance. She told
+me to cart _you_ off, _Now_, then!
+
+_Culch._ (_faintly_). If I thought she'd been trifling with us both
+like that, I'd never--
+
+_Podb._ She's no end of a clever girl, you know. And, after all, she
+may only have wanted time to make up her mind.
+
+_Culch._ (_violently_). I tell you _what_ she is--she's a cold-blooded
+pedantic prig, and a systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but
+a flirt I despise--yes, _despise_, PODBURY!
+
+_Podb._ (_with only apparent irrelevance_). The same to you, and many
+of 'em, old chap! Hullo, we're going to stop at this inn. Let's get
+out and stretch our legs and have some coffee.
+
+    [_They do; on returning, they find the Italian Gentleman
+    smiling blandly at them from inside the_ coupé.
+
+_The It. G._ Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I success at your
+chairs. I vish you a pleasure's delay!
+
+_Podb._ But I say, look here, Sir, we're going on, and you've got our
+place!
+
+_The It. G._ Sank you verri moch. I 'ope so. [_He blows_ PODBURY _a
+kiss._
+
+_Podb._ (_with intense disgust_). How on earth are we going to get
+that beggar out? Set the Conductor at him, CULCHARD, do--you can talk
+the lingo best!
+
+_Culch._ (_who has had enough of_ PODBURY _for the present_). Talk to
+him yourself, my dear fellow, _I_'m not going to make a row. [_He gets
+in._
+
+_Podb._ (_to Conductor_). Hi! sprechen sie Französisch, oder was?
+_il-y-a quelque chose dans mon siège, dites-lui de_--what the deuce is
+the French for "clear out"?
+
+_Cond._ _Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez vîte alors!_
+
+    [_He thrusts PODBURY, protesting vainly, into the intérieur,
+    with two peasants, a priest and the elderly Englishwoman. The
+    diligence starts again._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE ITALIAN OPERA.
+
+[Illustration: Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!!]
+
+[Illustration: Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,--a shrewd guess at what
+really happens.]
+
+_Tuesday, October 20th_.--Opening night. _Roméo et Juliette; débuts_
+of Mlle. SIMMONET, of the Opera Comique, and M. COSSIRA, as the
+lovers. _Lady Capulet's_ Small Dance, quite the smartest of the
+season, as the Veronese nobility present were evidently remarking,
+with abundance of easy gesture, to one another, as they led the way to
+the lemonade. The _Juliette_ of the evening charming, and soon singing
+herself into the good graces of a large audience; ditto, M. COSSIRA,
+"than which," as the Prophet NICHOLAS would say, "a more competent
+_Roméo_--though perhaps a trifle full in the waist for balcony-scaling
+by moonlight." If he had really trusted himself to that gossamer
+ladder in the Fourth Act, he would never have got away to Mantua,
+especially as _Juliette_, with the thoughtlessness of her age and sex,
+omitted to secure it in any way. Fortunately it was not a long drop,
+and the descent was accomplished without accident, as will be seen
+from the accompanying sketch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR A TENOR.--Mr. SEYMOUR HADEN, the opponent of the Cremation
+gospel according to THOMPSON (Sir HENRY of that ilk), should come to
+an arrangement with the English Light Opera tenor, and tack COFFIN on
+to his name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN RUMOURISTS._)
+
+It may be interesting at this time of the year to mention the fact
+that Lord SALISBURY always uses a poker in cracking walnuts. He says
+it saves the silver. The other day, whilst wielding the poker across
+the walnuts and the wine, Mr. GLADSTONE chanced to look in. The
+Premier, with his well-known hospitality, immediately furnished
+the Right Hon. Gentleman with another poker (brought in from the
+drawing-room), and ordered up a fresh supply of nuts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE, recurring in private conversation to a recent visit
+paid by him to Lord SALISBURY in Arlington Street, questioned the
+convenience of a poker as an instrument for shattering the shell of
+the walnut. For himself, he says, he has always found a pair of tongs
+more convenient.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Marquis of HARTINGTON, to whom this remark was reported,
+observed that as a dissentient Liberal he naturally differed from Mr.
+GLADSTONE, and was not to the fullest extent able to agree with his
+noble friend, the Marquis of SALISBURY. For his own part, he found
+the most convenient way of cracking a walnut was deftly to place the
+article in the interstice of the dining-room door, and gently close
+it. He found this plan combined with its original purpose a gentle
+exercise on the part of the guests highly conducive to digestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two hours later, the Leader of the Opposition was seen walking up
+Arlington Street, and on reaching Piccadilly, he hailed an omnibus,
+observing the precaution before entering of requiring the conductor to
+produce the scale of charges. "No pirate busses for _me_," the Right
+Hon. Member remarked, as (omitting the oath) he took his seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy in the
+office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed at the disposal
+of the BARON BE BOOK-WORMS. Upon Sir JAMES FERGUSSON stepping in, the
+PRIME MINISTER was urgently desirous to have the collaboration of
+the noble BARON at the Foreign Office. But, somehow, the post of
+Under-Secretary vacated by Sir JAMES was assigned to Mr. WILLIAM JAMES
+LOWTHER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are authorised to state that His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of
+GERMANY, feeling the need of a little change, has resolved to stay at
+home for a fortnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are in a position to state that just prior to the General Election
+of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before a cheval glass,
+alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right eye and in the left.
+Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy his leisure moments, he
+replied: "It is in view of the General Election. If on the platform
+any person in the crowd poses you with an awkward question, should you
+be able rapidly to transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your
+left, and fix the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged
+in wondering whether you can keep the glass in position, that he
+forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to less dangerous
+topics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. SCHOMBERG McDONNELL informed his chief that Lord RANDOLPH
+CHURCHILL had "come upon eight lions," Lord SALISBURY sighed and
+remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said, "How different
+had the eight lions come upon him!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a mile, write a
+mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a mile and hop a mile
+in one hour. Sporting circles are much interested in the veteran
+statesman's undertaking, and little else is talked about at the chief
+West End resorts. The general opinion of those who ought to know seems
+to be in favour of the scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a
+pound or two on the Mid-Lothian Marvel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.
+
+"_WHAT_, MY DEAR REGINALD! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU DON'T ADMIRE
+BYRON AS A POET?"
+
+"CERTAINLY NOT. INDEED I HAVE A QUITE SPECIAL LOATHING AND CONTEMPT
+FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!"
+
+"DEAR ME! WHY, WHAT PARTICULAR POEMS OF HIS DO YOU OBJECT TO SO
+STRONGLY?"
+
+"MY DEAH GRANDMOTHAH, I NEVAH READ A LINE OF BYRON IN MY LIFE,--AND I
+CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRYING IT ON.
+
+    ["The natural result of a _rapprochement_ between Russia and
+    Italy, even if avowedly platonic in its character, would be
+    to weaken the prestige and moral force of the Triple
+    Alliance."--_The Times_.]
+
+_Mr. Bruin loquitur_:--
+
+  _Pst!_ Hang it, quite _au mieux!_ Now what am I to do?
+    I must draw her attention, if I'm going to have a chance.
+  She seems so satisfied with those gallants at her side
+    That just now in my direction she will hardly deign a glance.
+      _Pst!_ Darling, just a word!
+  No! Deaf as any post! It is perfectly absurd!
+
+  _Pst!_ Heeds me not the least, just as though I were the Beast,
+    And she the sovereign Beauty that she deems she is, no doubt.
+  Since she won those burly _beaux_, it appears to be no go,
+    But Bruin's an old Masher, and he knows what he's about.
+      _Pst!_ Darling, look this way!
+  In your pretty little ear I've a word or two to say!
+
+  The coy Gallic girl I've won. It is really awful fun,
+    For _her_ prejudice was strong as was that of Lady ANNE
+  To the ugly crookback, DICK. But my wooing there was quick.
+    Platonic? Oh! of course. That is always Bruin's plan.
+      A flirtation means no harm,
+  When you wish not to corrupt or betray, but simply charm.
+
+  Fancy Italian girl won by the swagger twirl
+    Of an Austrian moustache! It is monstrous, nothing less.
+  What _would_ GARIBALDI say? Well, he doesn't live to-day,
+    Or he'd tear her from the arm of her ancient foe, I guess.
+      And that stalwart Teuton too!
+  Do you really think, my girl, he can really care for _you_?
+
+  Ah! you always were a flirt, Miss ITALIA. You have hurt
+    France's feelings very much. Why, she stood your faithful friend
+  When the hated Austrian yoke bowed your neck. Did you invoke
+    The pompous Prussian then your captivity to end?
+      _Pst!_ Just a moment, dear.
+  I've a word or two to say it were worth your while to hear.
+
+  Ah! A hasty glance she throws o'er her shoulder. But for those
+    Big, blonde, burly bullies twain, I could win her, I am sure;
+  For my manners all girls praise, and I have such winning ways,
+    And my lips, for kisses made, are for love a lasting lure.
+      _Pst!_ How those two stride on,
+  Without a glance at me! Do they think the game is won?
+
+  Hrumph! The Bear, although polite, is as pertinacious, quite,
+    As the tactless Teuton pig. I'll yet spoil their little game.
+  Triple Alliance? Fudge! If that girl is a good judge,
+    She will make a third with Me and my latest Gallic "flame."
+      _Pst!_ Come along with me,
+  My dark Italian _belle_! We shall make a lovely Three!
+
+[_Left making signs._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACCI-DENTAL QUERY.--Let me ask the _Patres Conscripti_ of our Academy
+Royal, why Dentists are not admitted A.R.A. _ex officio_. We have all
+for ever so long, since the memory of the oldest JOE MILLER, which
+runneth not to the contrary, known that Dentists drew teeth. But they
+nowadays add to their accomplishments by painting gums. The other day
+a friend of ours had a gum beautifully painted by a Dentist-artist
+in a certain Welbeck Street studio. It was a wonderful gathering; our
+friend in the chair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD JOE AND THE NEW.
+
+  To the humorous mind of a cynical cast,
+    Party change many matters for mirth affords;
+  But of all the big jokes, we've the biggest at last,
+    In CHAMBERLAIN's backing the House of Lords!
+  They toil not, nor spin? That's a very old jeer!
+  _Won't_ the Lilies take back seats when JOE is a Peer?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRYING IT ON!
+
+RUSSIA. "SS--S--T! (_Whispers._) I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU, MY DEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!"
+
+(_Not much Gaiety about it._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY LORD ADDINGTON.
+
+    [Lord ADDINGTON, speaking recently at a Harvest Festival,
+    said, "If he were a labourer, and saw a rabbit nibbling his
+    cabbages, he would go for that rabbit with the first thing at
+    hand." (_Enthusiastic cheers._)--_Daily News_.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Lord ADDINGTON, most wonderful
+    Of people-pleasing peers,
+  You certainly contrived to raise
+    "Enthusiastic cheers."
+
+  The villagers come flocking in
+    From all the country through,
+  To hear Your Lordship speak his mind
+    And tell them what to do.
+
+  You did it well, you told them how
+    You'd have them understand
+  A lucky chance has made you own
+    A quantity of land.
+
+  Though very fond of shooting, yet
+    Your love of shooting stops
+  At letting rabbits have their way
+    At decimating crops.
+
+  And so, if you a labourer were,
+    (The which of course you're not),
+  And saw a rabbit in your ground
+    A-nibbling--on the spot
+
+  You'd go for him with spade or fork,
+    At which, so it appears,
+  There rang throughout the crowded room
+    "Enthusiastic cheers."
+
+  A Peer's advice is always good,
+    So doubtless they will grab it,--
+  _But_ no one will be happier than
+    The cabbage-nibbling rabbit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE STRANGER.
+
+    ["At the meeting of the Bermondsey Vestry, the Medical Officer
+    reported that water drawn from the service-pipe of a house
+    in the Jamaica Road, had been submitted to him. The water was
+    clear, but it contained a live horse-leech."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+  Oh, into our domestic pipes
+    They crawl and creep by stealth,
+  The gruesome creatures known unto
+    An Officer of Health!
+  Harken to him of Bermondsey,
+    Think what his murmurings teach,
+  "The water seemed quite limpid, _but_--
+    It did contain a Leech!"
+
+  The service-pipe was sound and good
+    In the Jamaica Road;
+  The cistern there had harboured ne'er
+    Microbe, or newt, or toad;
+  No clearer water softly laved
+    A coral island beach;
+  So thought the householder, until--
+    He found that awful Leech!
+
+  Perchance he was a temperance foe
+    To alcoholic drink,
+  And from all dalliance with Bung
+    Did scrupulously shrink.
+  Yet now to forms of fluid sin
+    He'll cotton, all and each;
+  He does not like such liquors, _but_--
+    Prefers them to a Leech!
+
+  Our pipes will not be pipes of peace
+    If such things hap, I trow;
+  And as for Water Trusts, 'tis hard
+    To trust in water now.
+  Oh, Co. of Southwark and Vauxhall,
+    We ratepayers beseech,
+  Double your filtering charges, _but_--
+    Remove the loathly Leech!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is a judicial review of GEORGE MEREDITH's work in the
+_Quarterly_ for October--masterly, too, quoth the Baron, as striking
+a balance between effect and defect, and finding so much to be duly
+said in high praise of the diffuse and picturesquely-circumnavigating
+Novelist through whose labyrinthine pages the simple Baron finds it
+hard to thread his way, and yet keep the clue. When the unskippingly
+conscientious peruser of GEORGE M.'s novels is most desirous that the
+author shall go ahead, GEORGE, like an Irish cardriver, will stop to
+"discoorse us," and at such length, and so diffusely, and with such a
+wealth of eccentric word-coming and grammar-dodging, that at last the
+Baron gasps, choked by the rolling billows of sonorously booming or
+boomingly sonorous words, battles with the waves, ducks, and comes
+up again breathlessly, wondering where he may be, and what it was
+all about. "Story! God bless you, I haven't much to tell, Sir!" says
+the luxuriantly fanciful novel-grinder. And he hasn't much, it must
+be owned, for essenced it would go into half a volume, or less, and
+all over and above is pot-fuls of rich colour, spilt about almost at
+haphazard, permutations and combinations, giving the effect of genius.
+Which--genius it is; but a little of it goes a great way, in fact, a
+very great way, wandering and straying until at length the Baron calls
+for his _Richard Feverel_, and says, "This is the best that GEORGE
+MEREDITH has written, as sure as my name is
+
+"THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BARD V. BARD.
+
+  There was a poor Poet named CLOUGH,
+  Poet SWINBURNE declares he wrote stuff.
+      Ah, well, _he_ is dead!
+      'Tis the living are fed,
+  By log-rollers, on butter and puff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUGGESTION.--In a new poetical play at the Opera Comique there is a
+good deal of hide-and-seek. It might have had a second title, and been
+appropriately called _The Queen's Room; or, Secret Passages in the
+Life of Mary Stuart_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STREET IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+["If we really used the Thames Embankment sensibly and liberally,
+it would abound with handsome shops and cheerful cafés a
+and volksgartens, with newspaper kiosks and long lines of
+bookstalls."--_Daily Telegraph_, Oct. 21.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLENDIMUS!
+
+"Water, water everywhere" in the _Times_ recently, except when Messrs.
+GILBEY wrote their annual, and this time hopeful, account of the
+Claret vintage, and when subsequently Messrs. "P. and G."--(who on
+earth are "P. and G."?)--with a few modest lines at the foot of a
+page, last Wednesday, enlivened our drooping spirits with a brief but
+satisfactory account of Champagne Prospects. If the vintages of '86
+and '87 are good, and those of '90 and '91 poor, why not make a blend?
+and why not sell it as such? Let "P. and G."--[confound it! who on
+earth can P. and G. be? "P. and J." would be "Punch and Judy"--and,
+by the way, in the choice _Lingua Tuscana_, "P. and G." would stand
+for "_Poncio è Giulia_." But, on the other hand, who, unauthorised,
+would dare to use this signature? No matter--where were we?--ah!--to
+resume.] Let "P. and G.," whoe'er they be--which is rhyme, though not
+so intended--(but why this masquerade in initials?)--let them exploit
+a "Blend of '90-cum-'86 and '91-cum-'87," sell it as such--viz., The
+"P. and G. Blend," or "The Punchius and Giulia Blend"--at a reasonable
+figure, and thus the Not-quite-up-to-the-mark vintages will be saved.
+Have we not seen in City partnerships how a strong house saves a
+failing one, and then the Blends go on successfully? Let "P. and G."
+give us a first-rate Champagne, call it, say, The "G.B.," or "Golden
+Blend," at a reasonable price, and, to drop once again into poetry, No
+matter what their name may be, We'll ever bless our P. and G.![2]
+
+[Footnote 2: "P. and G." might stand for "Pay-for-it and Get-it," or
+"Pour-it and Guzzle-it." A Correspondent has suggested that solution
+of the initial problem might possibly be found in the names of Pommery
+and Gre'--No! So common-place a suggestion is evidently, and on the
+face of it, absurd. Not in this spirit did the Pickwick Club treat the
+celebrated inscription on the stone that so puzzled the antiquarians.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORT!
+
+_Cockney Sportsman_ (_eager, but disappointed_). "I SAY, MY BOY, SEEN
+ANY BIRDS THIS WAY?"
+
+'_Cute Rustic (likewise anxious to make a bag)._ "OH, A RARE LOT,
+GUV'NOR--A RARE LOT--JUST FLEW OVER THIS 'ERE 'EDGE, AND SETTLED IN
+THAT 'ERE FIELD, CLOSE TO SQUIRE BLANK'S RICKS."
+
+[_Grateful Cockney Sportsman tips boy a shilling, and goes hopefully
+after ... a flock of Starlings!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUGHT BY THE CLASSICS.
+
+(_THE RECORD OF A RUINED LIFE._)
+
+AUGUSTUS SPARKLER was an exceptionally brilliant man. At school he
+had done marvellously well, and if he did not distinguish himself at
+either of the Universities, it was less his fault than his misfortune.
+When he entered the world, after casting off parental control, he
+took up Medicine. He was a great success. He rose by leaps and bounds,
+until at length it was thought highly probable that he would be
+elected President of the Royal College of Physicians. He was sounded
+upon the subject, and a question was put to him.
+
+"No," he replied, sorrowfully, and then the courteous Secretary
+informed him, with tears in his voice, that he feared he was
+disqualified.
+
+"Well, I will enter the Navy."
+
+He did. He passed through the _Britannia_, and rose by leaps and
+bounds, until it was considered desirable to revive the post of Lord
+High Admiral for his acceptance. But before this was done, he was
+sounded upon the subject, and asked a question.
+
+"No," he again answered, regretfully.
+
+"I am afraid then, that the scheme must be abandoned," returned the
+First Civil Lord (he had been chosen as more polite than his sea
+colleagues), and he was almost moved to tears in his sadness.
+
+"I will enter the Army," cried AUGUSTUS, with determination.
+
+And he did. He rose from the ranks in less than no time to become a
+Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious Personage asked
+him if he would like to become Commander-in-Chief.
+
+"It is not impossible I might resign in your favour," said the I.P.
+And then he asked him the necessary question.
+
+"No, Sir," returned AUGUSTUS, bowing down his head in shame. Again he
+found that his career was interrupted.
+
+"I will try the Bar," he shouted.
+
+And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short time became
+a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the entire Ministry begged
+him, as a personal favour, to accept the post of Lord Chancellor.
+
+"With pleasure," was his modest rejoinder. Then he remembered that he
+had been asked a certain question on previous occasions, and explained
+matters.
+
+"I am afraid you won't do," cried the entire Ministry, mournfully.
+
+"Well, then, I will try the Church."
+
+And he tried the Church. He became an eminent divine. Every one spoke
+well of him; and when, in due course, the Primacy of all England was
+vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he explained matters.
+
+"No!" shouted all the Deans and Chapters.
+
+"You can't mean it!" cried the entire body of Archdeacons.
+
+"Well, I never!" exclaimed every other ecclesiastical authority.
+But it could not be, and the disappointment was too much for poor
+AUGUSTUS, and he died of grief.
+
+And so they put on the tombstone, that he would have been
+President of the Royal College of Physicians, Lord High Admiral,
+Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of Canterbury,
+if--_he had only learned Greek!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. V.--TO GUSH.
+
+MY DEAREST DARLING PERSON,
+
+How sweet and amiable of you to allow a humble being like myself to
+write to you. Dropping your own special style (which, to be perfectly
+frank with you, I could no more continue through the whole of this
+letter than I could dine off treacle and butter-scotch), I beg to say
+that I am heartily glad to have this opportunity of telling you a few
+things which have been on my mind for a long time. In what corner of
+the great realm of abstractions do you make your home? I imagine you
+whiling away the hours on some soft couch of imitation down, with a
+little army of sweet but irrelevant smiles ready at all times to do
+your bidding. You are refined, I am sure. You cultivate sympathy as
+some men cultivate orchids, until it blooms and luxuriates in the
+strangest and gaudiest shapes. Your real face is known of no other
+abstraction; indeed, you never see it yourself, so well-fitted and so
+constant is the mask through which you waft the endearments which have
+caused you to be avoided everywhere. This, I admit, is imagination;
+but is it very far from the truth? Perhaps I ask in vain, for truth
+is the very last thing that may be expected of you and of those who
+do your bidding upon earth. I will not, therefore, press the question,
+but proceed at once to business.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+About a month ago I met your friend, ALGERNON JESSAMY. What is there
+about ALGERNON that inspires such distrust? He is very presentable;
+some people have gone so far as to call him absolutely good-looking.
+He is tall, his figure is good, his clothes fit him admirably, and are
+always speckless; his features are regular, his complexion fresh, and
+his fair hair, carefully parted in the middle, lies like a smooth and
+shining lid upon his head. I pass over all his remaining advantages,
+whether of dress or of nature. It is enough to say that, thus
+equipped, and with the additional merits of wealth and a good
+position, ALGERNON ought to have found no difficulty in being one of
+the most popular men in town. Perhaps he would have been if he had
+not tried with such a persistent energy to make himself "so deuced
+agreeable." The phrase is not mine, but that of SAMMY MIGGS, who has
+a contempt for ALGERNON and his methods, which he never attempts to
+conceal.
+
+"ALGY, my boy," I have heard him say, while the unfortunate JESSAMY
+smiled uneasily, and shifted on his seat, "ALGY, my boy, I've known
+you too long to give in to any of your nonsense. All that butter of
+yours is wasted here, so you'd better keep it for someone who likes
+it. Try it on QUISBY," he continued, indicating the celebrated actor,
+who was at that moment frowning furiously over a notice of his latest
+performance; "he loves it in firkins, and I'll undertake to say you'll
+never get to the bottom of his swallowing capacity. You'll have to
+exhaust even your stock, ALGY, my boy; and that's saying a lot."
+
+So thoroughly uncomfortable did the suave and gentle ALGERNON look,
+that I afterwards ventured to remonstrate mildly with the gadfly
+MIGGS.
+
+"What?" he said, "made him uncomfortable, did I? And a jolly good job
+too. Bless you, I know the beggar through and through. I wasn't at
+Oxford with him for nothing. Wish I had been. He's the sort of chap
+who loses no end of I.O.U.'s at cards one night, and when he wins
+piles of ready the next never offers to redeem them. You let me
+alone about ALGY. I tell you I know him. There's no bigger humbug in
+Christendom with all his soft sawder and gas about everybody being the
+dearest and cleverest fellow he's ever met. Bah!"
+
+And therewith SAMMY left me, evidently smarting under some ancient
+sore inflicted by the apparently angelic ALGERNON.
+
+However, this little incident was not the one I intended to narrate.
+I met ALGY, as I said, about a month ago. It was in Piccadilly. At
+first, as I approached, I thought he did not see me, but suddenly
+he seemed to become aware of my presence. An electric thrill of joy
+ran through him, a smile of heavenly welcome irradiated his face, he
+darted towards me with both hands stretched out and almost fell round
+my neck before all the astonished cabmen.
+
+"My dear, dear fellow," he gasped, apparently struggling hard with an
+overpowering emotion, "this is almost too much. To think that I should
+meet the one man of all others whom I have been literally longing to
+see. Now you simply must walk with me for a bit. I can't afford to let
+you go without having a good talk with you. It always refreshes me so
+to hear your opinions of men and things."
+
+Ignoring my assurance that I had an important appointment to keep,
+he linked his arm closely in mine and dragged me with him in the
+direction from which I had come. How he pattered and chattered
+and flattered. He daubed me over with flattery as I have seen
+bill-stickers brush a hoarding over with paste. Never in my life had
+I felt so small, so mean and such a perfect fool, for though I own
+I have no objection to an occasional lollipop of praise, I must say
+I loathe it in lumps the size of a jelly-fish. Yet such is the fare
+on which JESSAMY compels me to subsist. And the annoying part of
+it was that every lump which he crammed down my throat contained
+an inferential compliment to himself, which I was forced either
+to accept, or in declining it to appear a churl. I was never more
+churlish, never less satisfied with myself. Amongst other things we
+spoke of the affairs of "The Dustheap," a little Club of which we were
+both members. JESSAMY opined it was going to the dogs. "Just look,"
+he said, "at the men they've got on the Committee; mere nobodies. I've
+always wondered why you are not on it. Men like you and me wouldn't
+make the ridiculous mistakes the present lot are constantly making.
+Fancy their electing MUMPLEY, a regular outsider, without enough
+manners for a school-boy. I really don't care about being in the
+same room with him." At this very moment, by one of those curious
+coincidences which invariably happen, the abused MUMPLEY himself, a
+wealthy but otherwise inoffensive stockbroker, hove in sight. "There
+comes the brute himself," said JESSAMY; and in another moment his arms
+were round MUMPLEY's neck, and he was protesting, with all the fervour
+of a heartfelt conviction, that MUMPLEY was the one man of all others
+for whom his heart had been yearning. That being so, I left them
+together, and departed to my business.
+
+Now does JESSAMY imagine that that kind of thing makes him a
+favourite? It must be admitted that he is not very artistic in his
+methods; and I fancy he must sometimes perceive, if I may use a
+homely phrase, that he doesn't go down. But the poor beggar can't
+help himself. He is driven by a force which he finds it impossible
+to resist into the cruel snares that are spread for the over-amiable.
+You, my dear GUSH, are that force, and to you, therefore, the sugary
+JESSAMY owes his failure to win the appreciation which he courts so
+ardently.
+
+And now I think I have relieved my mind of a sufficient load for the
+time being. If I can remember anything else that might interest you,
+you may count upon me to address you again. Permit me in the meantime
+to subscribe myself with all proper curtness,
+
+Yours. &c. DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PRODIGY SON."
+
+[Illustration: Much put out.]
+
+Sir,--I have not seen _Pamela's Prodigy_, but I have just read the
+criticism in the _Times_, which says of it, "It must be regarded
+either as a boyish effusion or a sorry joke." The criticism
+then points out how it lacks "wit, humour, literary skill," and
+apparently is wanting in everything that goes to make a successful
+play,--everything that is, except the actors. Mrs. JOHN WOOD was in
+it: she is a host in herself: not only a host, but the Manageress of
+the theatre who, with her partner in the business, is responsible for
+the selection of pieces. Now granting the critic to be right--and,
+on referring to others, I find a _consensus_ of opinion backing him
+up--at whose door lies the responsibility of having deliberately
+selected a failure? Under what compulsion could so clever and
+experienced an autocrat, sharp as a needle and with the "heye of an
+'awk" in theatrical matters, as Mrs. JOHN WOOD, have made so fatal a
+mistake--that is, if the critics are right, and if it be a mistake?
+"_To err, is human_"--and, including even Mrs. JOHN WOOD, and the
+critics, we are all human,--"_To forgive, divine_"--the critics
+not being divine could not forgive; the public apparently, did
+forgive--and, will, of course, forget. 'Tis all very well to fall
+foul of the unhappy author--whom we will not name--_after_ the event;
+but why was the piece ever chosen, and why was not the discovery of
+its unfitness made during rehearsal? No! "as long as the world goes
+round" these things will happen in the best regulated theatres, and
+experience is apparently no sort of guide in such matters.--Yours
+faithfully,
+
+"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume
+101, October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15442-8.txt or 15442-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/4/15442/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/15442-8.zip b/15442-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4e687d4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-8.zip
diff --git a/15442-h.zip b/15442-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14759b2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h.zip
diff --git a/15442-h/15442-h.htm b/15442-h/15442-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c7040ce
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/15442-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,2457 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+    "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
+<head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type"
+          content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+
+    <title>Punch, October 31, 1891.</title>
+    <style type="text/css">
+    /*<![CDATA[*/
+
+    <!--
+    body                 {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    p                    {text-align: justify;}
+    blockquote           {text-align: justify;}
+    h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6    {text-align: center;}
+    pre                  {font-size: 0.7em;}
+    .sc                  {font-variant: small-caps;}
+
+    hr                   {text-align: center; width: 50%;}
+    html>body hr         {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;}
+    hr.full              {width: 100%;}
+    html>body hr.full    {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;}
+    hr.short             {text-align: center; width: 20%;}
+    html>body hr.short   {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;}
+
+    .note, .footnote     {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;}
+
+    span.pagenum
+    {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;}
+
+    .poem
+    {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .poem .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+    .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+    .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+    .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+    .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+    .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+    .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+    .drama               {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+    .drama p             {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;}
+    .drama p.i2          {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;}
+    .drama p.i4          {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;}
+    .drama p.i6          {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;}
+    .drama p.i8          {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;}
+    .drama p.i10         {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;}
+
+    .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+    {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+    .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+    .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+    .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+    .figright            {float: right;}
+    .figleft             {float: left;}
+
+    p.author {text-align: right;}
+    -->
+    /*]]>*/
+    </style>
+</head>
+
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101,
+October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101, October 31, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15442]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+    <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+     OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+    <h2>Vol. 101.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+    <h2>October 31, 1891.</h2>
+    <hr class="full" />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page205"
+       id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span>
+
+    <h2>YOUNG GRANDOLPH'S BARTY.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:55%; margin-right:4em;">
+        <a href="images/205-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/205-1.png"
+             alt="Y" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>(<i>Afrikander Version of the great Breitmann Ballad,
+    penned, "more in sorrow than in anger," by a "Deutscher"
+    resident in the distant regions where the Correspondent of the
+    "Daily Graphic" is, like der Herr Breitmann himself,
+    "drafellin' apout like eferydings.</i>")</p>
+
+    <div class="poem"
+         style="margin-right:7%;">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Vhere is dat Barty now?</p>
+
+            <p>He fell'd in luf mit der African goldt;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Mit SOLLY he'd hat a row;</p>
+
+            <p>He dinks dat his secession</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Would make der resht look plue,</p>
+
+            <p>But, before he drafel vast and var,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">His Barty sphlit in two.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dere vash B-LF-R, W-LFF, and G-RST,</p>
+
+            <p>Dey haf vorgot deir "Leater,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Und dat ish not deir vorst.</p>
+
+            <p>B-LF-R vill "boss" der Commons,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Vhile GRANDOLPH&mdash;sore
+            disgraced&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Ish "oop a tree," like der Bumble Bee,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Und W-LFF and G-RST are "placed."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Vhen he dat Barty led,</p>
+
+            <p>B-LF-R vash but a "Bummer,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A loafing lollop-head.</p>
+
+            <p>Young Tories schvore by GRANDOLPH,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(Dey schvear <i>at</i> GRANDOLPH
+            now,)</p>
+
+            <p>Now at de feet of der "lank æsthete"</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Der <i>Times</i> itshelf doth bow!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Dere all vash "Souse und
+            Brouse."<a id="footnotetag1"
+               name="footnotetag1"></a><a href="#footnote1"><sup>1</sup></a></p>
+
+            <p>Now he hets not dat prave gompany</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">All in der Commons House,</p>
+
+            <p>To see <i>him</i> skywgle GL-DST-NE,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Und schlog him on der kop.</p>
+
+            <p>Young Tory bloods no longer shout</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Till der SCHPEAKER bids dem shtop.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Und, like dat Rhine Mermaiden</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Vot hadn't got nodings on,"</p>
+
+            <p>Dey "don't dink mooch of beoplesh</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Vat goes mit demselfs alone!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH <i>hat</i> a Barty&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Where ish dat Barty now?</p>
+
+            <p>Where ish dat oder ARTHUR's song</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Vot darkened der Champerlain's prow?</p>
+
+            <p>Where ish de himmelstrahlende stern,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">De shtar of der Tory fight?</p>
+
+            <p>All gon'd afay, as on Woodcock's wing,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Afay in de ewigkeit!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He hunt der lions now,</p>
+
+            <p>All in der lone Mashonaland,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But he does not
+            "score"&mdash;somehow.</p>
+
+            <p>One Grand Old Lion he dared to peard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Und he "potted" Earls and Dukes,</p>
+
+            <p>But eight or nine real lions at once,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He thinks are "<i>trop de luxe</i>"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But he scooted 'cross der sea,</p>
+
+            <p>Und he tidn't say to dem, "Come, my poys,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Und drafel along mit me!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote1"
+                    name="footnote1"></a><b>Footnote 1:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag1">(return)</a>
+
+        <p><i>Saus und Braus</i>&mdash;Ger., Riot and Bustle.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>"CORRECT CARD, GENTS!"&mdash;"Wanted a Map of London" was
+    the heading of a letter in the <i>Times</i> last Thursday. No,
+    Sir! that's not what is wanted. There are hundreds of 'em,
+    specially seductive pocket ones, with just the very streets
+    that one wants to discover as short cuts to great centres
+    carefully omitted. What <i>is</i> wanted is a <i>correct</i>
+    map of London, divided into pocketable sections, portable,
+    foldable, durable, on canvas,&mdash;but if imperfect, as so
+    many of these small pocket catch-shilling ones are just now,
+    although professedly brought up to date '91, they are worse
+    than useless, and to purchase one is a waste of time, temper
+    and money. We could mention an attractive-looking little
+    map&mdash;which, but no&mdash; Publishers and public are hereby
+    cautioned! N.B.&mdash;Test well your pocket map through a
+    magnifying glass before buying. <i>Experto crede!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OYSTERLESS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>By an Impecunious Gourmet</i>.)</h4>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Oysters are very dear, and are likely, as the season
+        advances, to be still higher in price.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:30%;">
+        <a href="images/205-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/205-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, Oyster mine! Oh, Oyster mine!</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You're still as exquisitely nice;</p>
+
+            <p>With perfect pearly tints you shine,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But you are such an awful price.</p>
+
+            <p>The lemon and the fresh cayenne,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Brown bread and butter and the stout</p>
+
+            <p>Are here, and just the same, but then</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">What if I have to leave you out?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>What wonder that my spirits droop,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That life can bring me no delight,</p>
+
+            <p>When I must give up oyster soup,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So softly delicately white.</p>
+
+            <p>The curry powder stands anear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The scallop shells, but what care
+            I&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>You're so abominably dear,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">O Oyster! that I cannot buy.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>With sad imaginative flights,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I think upon the days of yore;</p>
+
+            <p>Like TICKLER, on Ambrosian nights,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I have consumed them by the score.</p>
+
+            <p>And still, whenever you appeared,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">My pride it was to use you well;</p>
+
+            <p>I let the juice play round your beard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And always on the hollow shell.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I placed you in the fair lark-pie.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">With steak and kidneys too, of
+            course;</p>
+
+            <p>Your ancestors were glad to die,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So well I made the oyster sauce.</p>
+
+            <p>I had you stewed and featly fried,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And dipped in batter&mdash;think of
+            that;</p>
+
+            <p>And, as a pleasant change, I've tried</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You, skewered in rows, with
+            bacon-fat.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Where art thou, ALICE?" cried the bard.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Where art thou, Oyster?" I exclaim.</p>
+
+            <p>It really is extremely hard,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To know thee nothing but a name.</p>
+
+            <p>For this is surely torment worse</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Than DANTE heaped upon his
+            dead;&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>To find thee quite beyond my purse,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And so go oysterless to bed.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p><i>À PROPOS</i> OF THE SECRETARY FOR WAR'S ROSEATE
+    AFTER&mdash;DINNER SPEECH (<i>on the entirely satisfactory
+    state of the Army generally</i>).&mdash;(STAN-)"HOPE told a
+    flattering tale."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>UNIVERSITY MEM.&mdash;The Dean of Christ Church will keep
+    his seat till Christmas, and just a LIDDELL longer.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page206"
+       id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <h2>THE RAVEN.</h2>
+
+        <center>
+            (<i>Very Latest War-Office Version. See Mr. Stanhope's
+            After-Dinner Speech at the Holborn Restaurant (Oct.
+            17), and Letter in "Times" (Oct. 21) on "Pangloss at
+            the War Office."</i>)
+        </center><a href="images/206.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/206.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Secretarial Pangloss sings:</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Late, upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered,
+            tired but cheery,</p>
+
+            <p>Over many an optimistic record of War Office
+            lore;</p>
+
+            <p>Whilst I worked, assorting, mapping, suddenly there
+            came a tapping,</p>
+
+            <p>As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my
+            Office-door.</p>
+
+            <p>"Some late messenger," I muttered, "tapping at my
+            Office-door&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Only this, but it's a bore."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>I remember&mdash;being sober&mdash;it was in the
+            chill October,</p>
+
+            <p>Light from the electric globe or horseshoe lighted
+            wall and floor;</p>
+
+            <p>Also that it was the morrow of the Holborn Banquet;
+            sorrow</p>
+
+            <p>From the Blue Books croakers borrow&mdash;sorrow for
+            the days of yore,</p>
+
+            <p>For the days when "<i>Rule Britannia</i>" sounded
+            far o'er sea and shore.</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Ah! it <i>must</i> have been a bore!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But on that let's draw the curtain. I am simply
+            cock-sure&mdash;certain</p>
+
+            <p>That "our splendid little Army" never was so fine
+            before.</p>
+
+            <p>It will take a lot of beating! Such remarks I keep
+            repeating;</p>
+
+            <p>They come handy&mdash;after eating, and are always
+            sure to score&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>Dash that rapping chap entreating entrance at my
+            Office-door!</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">It is an infernal
+            bore!</p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207"
+               id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Presently I grew more placid (Optimists should not
+            be acid.)</p>
+
+            <p>"Come in!" I exclaimed&mdash;"con<i>found</i> you!
+            Pray stand drumming there no more."</p>
+
+            <p>But the donkey still kept tapping. "Dolt!" I
+            muttered, sharply snapping,</p>
+
+            <p>"Why the deuce do you come rapping, rapping at my
+            Office-door?</p>
+
+            <p>Yet not 'enter' when you're told to?"&mdash;here I
+            opened wide the door&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Darkness there, and nothing more.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Open next I flung the shutter, when, with a
+            prodigious flutter,</p>
+
+            <p>In there stepped a bumptious Raven, black as any
+            blackamoor.</p>
+
+            <p>Not the least obeisance made he, not a moment
+            stopped or stayed he,</p>
+
+            <p>But with scornful look, though shady, perched above
+            my Office-door,</p>
+
+            <p>Perched upon BRITANNIA's bust that stood above my
+            Office-door&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Perched, and sat, and seemed to
+            snore.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Well," I said, sardonic smiling, "this is really
+            rather riling;</p>
+
+            <p>"It comports not with decorum such as the War Office
+            bore</p>
+
+            <p>In old days stiff and clean-shaven. Dub me a
+            Gladstonian craven</p>
+
+            <p>If I ever saw a Raven at the W.O. before.</p>
+
+            <p>Tell me what your blessed name is. '<i>Rule
+            Britannia</i>' held of yore,"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the bird, "'Tis so no more!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Much I marvelled this sophistic fowl to utter
+            pessimistic</p>
+
+            <p>Fustian, which so little meaning&mdash;little
+            relevancy bore</p>
+
+            <p>To the rule of me and SOLLY; but, although it may
+            sound folly,</p>
+
+            <p>This strange fowl a strange resemblance to "Our Only
+            General" wore,</p>
+
+            <p>To the W-LS-L-Y whose pretensions to sound military
+            lore</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Are becoming quite a bore.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>But the Raven, sitting lonely on that much-peeled
+            bust, spake only</p>
+
+            <p>Of our Army as a makeshift, small, ill-manned, and
+            precious poor.</p>
+
+            <p>Drat the pessimistic bird!&mdash;he grumbled of "the
+            hurdy-gurdy</p>
+
+            <p>Marching-past side of a soldier's life in peace."
+            "We've fought before,</p>
+
+            <p>Winning battles with boy-troops," I cried, "We'll do
+            as we before&mdash;"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Nonsense!" said I. "After dinner at the Holborn, as
+            a winner</p>
+
+            <p>Spake I in the <i>Pangloss</i> spirit to the
+            taxpayers, (<i>Don't</i> snore!)</p>
+
+            <p>Told them our recruits&mdash;who'll master e'en
+            unmerciful disaster,</p>
+
+            <p>Come in fast and come in faster, quite as good as
+            those of yore,"&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p>"Flattering tales of (Stan) Hope!" cried the bird,
+            whose dismal dirges bore,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">One dark burden&mdash;"Nevermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Hang it, Raven, this <i>is</i> riling!" cried I.
+            "Stop your rude reviling!"</p>
+
+            <p>Then I wheeled my office-chair in front of bird and
+            bust and door;</p>
+
+            <p>And upon its cushion sinking, "I," I said, "will
+            smash like winking</p>
+
+            <p>This impeachment you are bringing, O you ominous
+            bird of yore,</p>
+
+            <p>O you grim, ungainly, ghastly, grumbling, gruesome
+            feathered bore!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Croaked the Raven, "You I'll floor."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Then methought the bird looked denser, and his cheek
+            became immenser.</p>
+
+            <p>And he twaddled of VON MOLTKE, and his German Army
+            Corps;</p>
+
+            <p>"Flattering the tax-payers' vanity," and much
+            similar insanity,</p>
+
+            <p>In a style that lacked urbanity, till the thing
+            became a bore.</p>
+
+            <p>"Oh, get out of it!" I cried; "our little Army yet
+            will score."</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Prophet!" said I, "of all evil, that we're 'going
+            to the devil'</p>
+
+            <p>Has been the old croaker's gospel for a century, and
+            more.</p>
+
+            <p>Red-gilled Colonels this have chaunted in
+            BRITTANIA's ears undaunted,</p>
+
+            <p>By their ghosts you must he haunted. Take a
+            Blue-pill, I implore!</p>
+
+            <p>When our Army meets the foe it's bound to lick him
+            as of yore!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Prophet!" said I, "that's uncivil. You may go
+            to&mdash;well, the devil!</p>
+
+            <p>That Establishments are 'short,' and 'standards'
+            lowered o'er and o'er.</p>
+
+            <p>That mere 'weeds,' with chests of maiden, cannot
+            march with knapsack laden;</p>
+
+            <p>That the heat of sultry Aden, or the cold of
+            Labrador,</p>
+
+            <p>Such can't stand, <i>may</i> be the truth; but keep
+            it dark, bird, I implore!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>"Then excuse me, we'll be parting, doleful fowl," I
+            cried, upstarting;</p>
+
+            <p>"Get thee back to&mdash;the Red River, or the Nile's
+            sand-cumbered shore!</p>
+
+            <p>Leave no 'Magazine' as token of the twaddle you have
+            spoken.</p>
+
+            <p>What? BRITANNIA stoney-broken? Quit her bust above
+            my door.</p>
+
+            <p>Take thy hook from the War Office; take thy beak
+            from off my door!"</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And the Raven still is sitting, croaking statements
+            most unfitting,</p>
+
+            <p>On BRITANNIA's much-peeled bust that's placed above
+            my Office-door,</p>
+
+            <p>And if <i>Pangloss</i>, e'en in seeming, lent an ear
+            to his dark dreaming,</p>
+
+            <p>Useless were official scheming, grants of millions
+            by the score,</p>
+
+            <p>For my soul were like the shadow that he casts upon
+            the floor,</p>
+
+            <p class="i10">Dark and dismal evermore!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:60%;">
+        <a href="images/207.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/207.png"
+             alt="THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY." />
+        </a>
+
+        <h3>THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED
+        DIFFERENTLY.</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Aunt Jane</i>. "THAT MAKES THREE WEDDINGS IN OUR
+        FAMILY WITHIN A TWELVEMONTH! IT WILL BE <i>YOUR</i> TURN
+        NEXT, MATILDA!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Matilda</i>. "OH, NO!"</p>
+
+        <p><i>Aunt Jane</i>. "WELL, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY THINGS
+        HAPPEN SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>TUPPER'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY UP TO DATE.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The range of our inquiry was intended to include the
+        whole migratory range for seals.... Our movements were kept
+        most secret."&mdash;<i>Sir George Baden-Powell on the Work
+        of the Behring Sea Commission</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>We came, we saw, we&mdash;held our tongues
+            (myself&mdash;BADEN-POWELL&mdash;and Mr. DAWSON.)</p>
+
+            <p>We popped on each seal-island "unbeknownst," and
+            what we discovered we held our jaws on.</p>
+
+            <p>We'd five hundred interviews within three months,
+            which I think "cuts the record" in interviewing,</p>
+
+            <p>Corresponded with 'Frisco, Japan, and Russia; so I
+            hope you'll allow we've been "up and doing."</p>
+
+            <p>(Not up and <i>saying</i>, be't well understood). As
+            TUPPER (the Honourable C.H., Minister</p>
+
+            <p>Of Fisheries) said, in the style of his namesake,
+            "The fool imagines all Silence is sinister,</p>
+
+            <p>"But the wise man knows that it's often dexterous."
+            Be sure no inquisitive shyness or bounce'll</p>
+
+            <p>Make us "too previous" with our Report, which goes
+            first to the QUEEN and the Privy Council.</p>
+
+            <p>Some bigwig's motto is, "Say and Seal," but as
+            TUPPER remarked a forefinger laying</p>
+
+            <p>To the dexter side of a fine proboscis, "Our motto
+            at present is, Seal <i>without</i> saying!"</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>LEGAL QUERY.&mdash;The oldest of the thirteen Judges on the
+    Scotch Bench is YOUNG. Any chance for a Junior after this?</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page208"
+       id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span>
+
+    <h2>THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. XII.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>SCENE&mdash;<i>In front of the Hôtel Bodenhaus at
+        Splügen. The Diligence for Bellinzona is having its team
+        attached. An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk,
+        trying to run through the last hundred pages of a novel
+        from the Hotel Library before her departure.</i> PODBURY
+        <i>is in the Hotel, negotiating for sandwiches.</i>
+        CULCHARD <i>is practising his Italian upon a very dingy
+        gentleman in smoked spectacles, with a shawl round his
+        throat.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The Dingy Italian</i> (<i>suddenly discovering
+        CULCHARD's nationality</i>). Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us
+        spika Ingelis, I onnerstan' 'im to ze bottom-side.
+        (<i>Laboriously, to</i> CULCHARD, <i>who tries to conceal
+        his chagrin.</i>) 'Ow menni time you employ to go since
+        Coire at here? (C. <i>nods with vague encouragement</i>.)
+        Vich manners of vezzer you vere possess troo your
+        travels&mdash;mosh ommerella? (C.'s <i>eyes grow
+        vacant</i>.) Ha, I <i>tink</i> it vood! Zis day ze vicket
+        root sall 'ave plenti 'orse to pull, &amp;c., &amp;c.
+        (<i>Here</i> PODBURY <i>comes up, and puts some rugs
+        the</i> coupé <i>of the diligence.</i>) You sit at ze
+        beginning-end, hey? better, you tink, zan ze mizzle? I too,
+        zen, sall ride at ze front&mdash;we vill spika Ingelis,
+        altro!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>overhearing this, with horror</i>). One
+        minute, CULCHARD. (<i>He draws him aside.</i>) I say, for
+        goodness' sake, don't let's have that old organ-grinding
+        Johnny in the <i>coupé</i> with <i>us</i>!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Organ-grinder! you are so <i>very</i>
+        insular! For anything you can tell, he may be a decayed
+        nobleman.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Pod.</i> (<i>coarsely</i>). Well, let him decay
+        somewhere else, that's all! Just tell the Conductor to
+        shove him in the <i>intérieur</i>, do, while I nip in the
+        <i>coupé</i> and keep our places.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:35%;">
+        <a href="images/208.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/208.png"
+             alt="'An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk.'" />
+             </a>"An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk."
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[CULCHARD, <i>on reflection, adopts this suggestion, and
+        the</i> Italian Gentleman, <i>after fluttering feebly about
+        the</i> coupé <i>door, is unceremoniously bundled by
+        the</i> Conductor <i>into the hinder part of the
+        diligence.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <h4><i>In the Bernardino Pass, during the Ascent.</i></h4>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn
+        of the road, PODBURY! Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below
+        there, like a toy village, and that vast desolate valley,
+        with the grey river rushing through it, and the green
+        glacier at the end, and these awful snow-covered peaks all
+        round&mdash;<i>look</i>, man!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> I'm looking, old chap. It's all there,
+        right enough!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>vexed</i>). It doesn't seem to be
+        making any particular impression on you, I must say!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> It's making me deuced peckish, I know
+        that&mdash;how about lunch, eh!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>pained</i>). We are going through
+        scenery like this, and all you think of is&mdash;lunch!
+        (PODBURY <i>opens a basket.</i>) You may give me one of
+        those sandwiches. What made you get <i>veal</i>? and the
+        bread's all crust, too! Thanks, I'll take some claret....
+        (<i>They lunch; the vehicle meanwhile toils up to the head
+        of the Pass.</i>) Dear me, we're at the top already! These
+        rocks shut out the valley altogether&mdash;much colder at
+        this height, eh? Don't you find this keen air most
+        exhilarating?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>shivering</i>). Oh very, do you mind
+        putting your window up? Thanks. You seem uncommon chirpy
+        to-day. Beginning to get <i>over</i> it, eh?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> We shan't get over it for some hours
+        yet.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> I didn't mean the Pass, I
+        meant&mdash;(<i>hesitating</i>)&mdash;well, your little
+        affair with Miss PRENDERGAST, you know.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> My little affair? Get over? (<i>He
+        suddenly understands.</i>) Oh, ah, to be sure. Yes, thank
+        you, my dear fellow, it is not making me
+        <i>particularly</i> unhappy. [<i>He goes into a fit of
+        silent laughter.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Glad to hear it. (<i>To himself</i>.)
+        'Jove, if he only knew what <i>I</i> know! [<i>He
+        chuckles.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> You don't appear to be exactly
+        heartbroken?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> I? why <i>should</i> I be&mdash;about
+        <i>what</i>?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with an affectation of reserve</i>).
+        Exactly, I was forgetting. (<i>To himself</i>.) It's really
+        rather humorous. (<i>He laughs again.</i>) Ha, we're
+        beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy&mdash;la bella
+        Italia! (<i>The diligence takes the first curve.</i>) Good
+        Heavens, what a turn! We're going at rather a sharp pace
+        for downhill, eh? I suppose these Swiss drivers know what
+        they're about, though.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, yes, generally&mdash;when they're not
+        drunk. I can only see this fellow's boots&mdash;but they
+        look to me a trifle squiffy.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>inspecting them, anxiously</i>). He
+        does seem to drive very recklessly. <i>Look</i> at those
+        leaders&mdash;heading right for the precipice.... Ah, just
+        saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Topheavy&mdash;I expect, too much luggage
+        on board&mdash;have another sandwich?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if
+        it's safe, having no parapet, only these stone posts,
+        eh?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Pod.</i> Safe enough&mdash;unless the wheel catches
+        one&mdash;it was as near as a toucher just
+        then&mdash;aren't you going to smoke? No? <i>I</i> am. By
+        the way, what were you so amused about just now, eh?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> <i>Was</i> I amused? (<i>The vehicle gives
+        another tremendous lurch.</i>) Really, this is <i>too</i>
+        horrible!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with secret enjoyment</i>). We're right
+        enough, if the horses don't happen to stumble. That
+        off-leader isn't over sure-footed&mdash;did you see
+        <i>that</i>? (<i>Culch. shudders.</i>) But what's the joke
+        about Miss PRENDERGAST?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>irritably</i>). Oh, for Heaven's sake,
+        don't bother about that <i>now</i>. I've something else to
+        think about. My goodness, we were nearly over that time!
+        What are you looking at?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>who has been leaning forward</i>). Only
+        one of the traces&mdash;they've done it up with a penny
+        ball of string, but I daresay it will stand the strain. You
+        aren't <i>half</i> enjoying the view, old fellow.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Yes, I am.
+        Magnificent!&mdash;glorious!&mdash;isn't it?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Find you see it better with your eyes shut?
+        But I say, I wish you'd explain what you were sniggering
+        at.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Take my advice, and don't press me, my
+        dear fellow; you may regret it if you do!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> I'll risk it. It must be a devilish funny
+        joke to tickle you like that. Come, out with it!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> Well, if you must know, I was laughing....
+        Oh, he'll <i>never</i> get those horses round in.... I
+        was&mdash;er&mdash;rather amused by your evident assumption
+        that I must have been <i>rejected</i> by Miss
+        PRENDERGAST.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Oh, was <i>that</i> it? And you're nothing
+        of the kind, eh? [<i>He chuckles again.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). No doubt you will
+        find it very singular; but, as a matter of fact,
+        she&mdash;well, she most certainly did not
+        <i>discourage</i> my pretensions.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> The deuce she didn't! Did she tell you
+        RUSKIN's ideas about courtship being a probation, and ask
+        you if you were ready to be under vow for her, by any
+        chance?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> This is too bad, PODBURY; you must have
+        been there, or you couldn't possibly know!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Much obliged, I'm sure. I don't listen
+        behind doors, as a general thing. I suppose, now, she set
+        you a trial of some kind, to prove your mettle, eh?
+        [<i>With another chuckle.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>furiously</i>). Take care&mdash;or I
+        may tell you more than you bargain for!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Go on&mdash;never mind <i>me</i>. Bless
+        you, <i>I'm</i> under vow for her, too, my dear boy.
+        Fact!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> That's impossible, and I can prove it. The
+        service she demanded was, that I should leave Constance at
+        once&mdash;with you. Do you understand&mdash;with
+        <i>you</i>, PODBURY!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with a prolonged whistle</i>). My
+        aunt!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>severely</i>). You may invoke every
+        female relative you possess in the world, but it won't
+        alter the fact, and that alone ought to convince
+        you&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard
+        <i>my</i> penance. She told me to cart <i>you</i> off,
+        <i>Now</i>, then!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>faintly</i>). If I thought she'd been
+        trifling with us both like that, I'd never&mdash;</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> She's no end of a clever girl, you know.
+        And, after all, she may only have wanted time to make up
+        her mind.</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>violently</i>). I tell you <i>what</i>
+        she is&mdash;she's a cold-blooded pedantic prig, and a
+        systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but a flirt I
+        despise&mdash;yes, <i>despise</i>, PODBURY!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with only apparent irrelevance</i>).
+        The same to you, and many of 'em, old chap! Hullo, we're
+        going to stop at this inn. Let's get out and stretch our
+        legs and have some coffee.</p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>They do; on returning, they find the</i> Italian
+        Gentleman <i>smiling blandly at them from inside the</i>
+        coupé.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="drama">
+        <p><i>The It. G.</i> Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I
+        success at your chairs. I vish you a pleasure's delay!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> But I say, look here, Sir, we're going on,
+        and you've got our place!</p>
+
+        <p><i>The It. G.</i> Sank you verri moch. I 'ope so. [<i>He
+        blows</i> PODBURY <i>a
+        kiss.</i></p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page209"
+           id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>with intense disgust</i>). How on earth
+        are we going to get that beggar out? Set the Conductor at
+        him, CULCHARD, do&mdash;you can talk the lingo best!</p>
+
+        <p><i>Culch.</i> (<i>who has had enough of</i> PODBURY
+        <i>for the present</i>). Talk to him yourself, my dear
+        fellow, <i>I</i>'m not going to make a row. [<i>He gets
+        in.</i></p>
+
+        <p><i>Podb.</i> (<i>to</i> Conductor). Hi! sprechen sie
+        Französisch, oder was? <i>il-y-a quelque chose dans mon
+        siège, dites-lui de</i>&mdash;what the deuce is the French
+        for "clear out"?</p>
+
+        <p><i>Cond.</i> <i>Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez
+        vîte alors!</i></p>
+    </div>
+
+    <blockquote>
+        <p>[<i>He thrusts</i> PODBURY, <i>protesting vainly, into
+        the intérieur, with two peasants, a priest and the elderly
+        Englishwoman. The diligence starts again.</i></p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>AT THE ITALIAN OPERA.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figleft"
+         style="width:40%;">
+        <a href="images/209-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/209-1.png"
+             alt="Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!!" />
+             </a>Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!!
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:50%;">
+        <a href="images/209-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/209-2.png"
+             alt="Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,&mdash;a shrewd guess at what really happens." />
+        </a>Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,&mdash;a shrewd guess at
+        what really happens.
+    </div>
+
+    <p><i>Tuesday, October 20th</i>.&mdash;Opening night. <i>Roméo
+    et Juliette; débuts</i> of Mlle. SIMMONET, of the Opera
+    Comique, and M. COSSIRA, as the lovers. <i>Lady Capulet's</i>
+    Small Dance, quite the smartest of the season, as the Veronese
+    nobility present were evidently remarking, with abundance of
+    easy gesture, to one another, as they led the way to the
+    lemonade. The <i>Juliette</i> of the evening charming, and soon
+    singing herself into the good graces of a large audience;
+    ditto, M. COSSIRA, "than which," as the Prophet NICHOLAS would
+    say, "a more competent <i>Roméo</i>&mdash;though perhaps a
+    trifle full in the waist for balcony-scaling by moonlight." If
+    he had really trusted himself to that gossamer ladder in the
+    Fourth Act, he would never have got away to Mantua, especially
+    as <i>Juliette</i>, with the thoughtlessness of her age and
+    sex, omitted to secure it in any way. Fortunately it was not a
+    long drop, and the descent was accomplished without accident,
+    as will be seen from the accompanying sketch.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>CHANGE FOR A TENOR.&mdash;Mr. SEYMOUR HADEN, the opponent of
+    the Cremation gospel according to THOMPSON (Sir HENRY of that
+    ilk), should come to an arrangement with the English Light
+    Opera tenor, and tack COFFIN on to his name.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>ONLY FANCY!</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>From Mr. Punch's Own Rumourists.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>It may be interesting at this time of the year to mention
+    the fact that Lord SALISBURY always uses a poker in cracking
+    walnuts. He says it saves the silver. The other day, whilst
+    wielding the poker across the walnuts and the wine, Mr.
+    GLADSTONE chanced to look in. The Premier, with his well-known
+    hospitality, immediately furnished the Right Hon. Gentleman
+    with another poker (brought in from the drawing-room), and
+    ordered up a fresh supply of nuts.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:25%;">
+        <a href="images/209-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/209-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Mr. GLADSTONE, recurring in private conversation to a recent
+    visit paid by him to Lord SALISBURY in Arlington Street,
+    questioned the convenience of a poker as an instrument for
+    shattering the shell of the walnut. For himself, he says, he
+    has always found a pair of tongs more convenient.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>The Marquis of HARTINGTON, to whom this remark was reported,
+    observed that as a dissentient Liberal he naturally differed
+    from Mr. GLADSTONE, and was not to the fullest extent able to
+    agree with his noble friend, the Marquis of SALISBURY. For his
+    own part, he found the most convenient way of cracking a walnut
+    was deftly to place the article in the interstice of the
+    dining-room door, and gently close it. He found this plan
+    combined with its original purpose a gentle exercise on the
+    part of the guests highly conducive to digestion.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Two hours later, the Leader of the Opposition was seen
+    walking up Arlington Street, and on reaching Piccadilly, he
+    hailed an omnibus, observing the precaution before entering of
+    requiring the conductor to produce the scale of charges. "No
+    pirate busses for <i>me</i>," the Right Hon. Member remarked,
+    as (omitting the oath) he took his seat.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>It is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy
+    in the office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed
+    at the disposal of the BARON BE BOOK-WORMS. Upon Sir JAMES
+    FERGUSSON stepping in, the PRIME MINISTER was urgently desirous
+    to have the collaboration of the noble BARON at the Foreign
+    Office. But, somehow, the post of Under-Secretary vacated by
+    Sir JAMES was assigned to Mr. WILLIAM JAMES LOWTHER.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We are authorised to state that His Imperial Majesty the
+    Emperor of GERMANY, feeling the need of a little change, has
+    resolved to stay at home for a fortnight.</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>We are in a position to state that just prior to the General
+    Election of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before
+    a cheval glass, alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right
+    eye and in the left. Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy
+    his leisure moments, he replied: "It is in view of the General
+    Election. If on the platform any person in the crowd poses you
+    with an awkward question, should you be able rapidly to
+    transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your left, and
+    fix the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged in
+    wondering whether you can keep the glass in position, that he
+    forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to less
+    dangerous topics."</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>When Mr. SCHOMBERG McDONNELL informed his chief that Lord
+    RANDOLPH CHURCHILL had "come upon eight lions," Lord SALISBURY
+    sighed and remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said,
+    "How different had the eight lions come upon him!"</p>
+    <hr class="short" />
+
+    <p>Mr. GLADSTONE has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a
+    mile, write a mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a
+    mile and hop a mile in one hour. Sporting circles are much
+    interested in the veteran statesman's undertaking, and little
+    else is talked about at the chief West End resorts. The general
+    opinion of those who ought to know seems to be in favour of the
+    scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a pound or two on
+    the Mid-Lothian Marvel.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page210"
+       id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/210.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/210.png"
+             alt="TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.</h3>
+
+        <p>"<i>WHAT</i>, MY DEAR REGINALD! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY
+        YOU DON'T ADMIRE BYRON AS A POET?"</p>
+
+        <p>"CERTAINLY NOT. INDEED I HAVE A QUITE SPECIAL LOATHING
+        AND CONTEMPT FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!"</p>
+
+        <p>"DEAR ME! WHY, WHAT PARTICULAR POEMS OF HIS DO YOU
+        OBJECT TO SO STRONGLY?"</p>
+
+        <p>"MY DEAH GRANDMOTHAH, I NEVAH READ A LINE OF BYRON IN MY
+        LIFE,&mdash;AND I CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!"</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TRYING IT ON.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["The natural result of a <i>rapprochement</i> between
+        Russia and Italy, even if avowedly platonic in its
+        character, would be to weaken the prestige and moral force
+        of the Triple Alliance."&mdash;<i>The Times</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <center>
+        <i>Mr. Bruin loquitur</i>:&mdash;
+    </center>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Pst!</i> Hang it, quite <i>au mieux!</i> Now what
+            am I to do?</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">I must draw her attention, if I'm going
+            to have a chance.</p>
+
+            <p>She seems so satisfied with those gallants at her
+            side</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">That just now in my direction she will
+            hardly deign a glance.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Darling, just a word!</p>
+
+            <p>No! Deaf as any post! It is perfectly absurd!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p><i>Pst!</i> Heeds me not the least, just as though I
+            were the Beast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And she the sovereign Beauty that she
+            deems she is, no doubt.</p>
+
+            <p>Since she won those burly <i>beaux</i>, it appears
+            to be no go,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">But Bruin's an old Masher, and he knows
+            what he's about.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Darling, look this way!</p>
+
+            <p>In your pretty little ear I've a word or two to
+            say!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The coy Gallic girl I've won. It is really awful
+            fun,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">For <i>her</i> prejudice was strong as
+            was that of Lady ANNE</p>
+
+            <p>To the ugly crookback, DICK. But my wooing there was
+            quick.</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Platonic? Oh! of course. That is always
+            Bruin's plan.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">A flirtation means no harm,</p>
+
+            <p>When you wish not to corrupt or betray, but simply
+            charm.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Fancy Italian girl won by the swagger twirl</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of an Austrian moustache! It is
+            monstrous, nothing less.</p>
+
+            <p>What <i>would</i> GARIBALDI say? Well, he doesn't
+            live to-day,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Or he'd tear her from the arm of her
+            ancient foe, I guess.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">And that stalwart Teuton too!</p>
+
+            <p>Do you really think, my girl, he can really care for
+            <i>you</i>?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah! you always were a flirt, Miss ITALIA. You have
+            hurt</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">France's feelings very much. Why, she
+            stood your faithful friend</p>
+
+            <p>When the hated Austrian yoke bowed your neck. Did
+            you invoke</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The pompous Prussian then your captivity
+            to end?</p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Just a moment, dear.</p>
+
+            <p>I've a word or two to say it were worth your while
+            to hear.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Ah! A hasty glance she throws o'er her shoulder. But
+            for those</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Big, blonde, burly bullies twain, I could
+            win her, I am sure;</p>
+
+            <p>For my manners all girls praise, and I have such
+            winning ways,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And my lips, for kisses made, are for
+            love a lasting lure.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> How those two stride on,</p>
+
+            <p>Without a glance at me! Do they think the game is
+            won?</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Hrumph! The Bear, although polite, is as
+            pertinacious, quite,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">As the tactless Teuton pig. I'll yet
+            spoil their little game.</p>
+
+            <p>Triple Alliance? Fudge! If that girl is a good
+            judge,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">She will make a third with Me and my
+            latest Gallic "flame."</p>
+
+            <p class="i4"><i>Pst!</i> Come along with me,</p>
+
+            <p>My dark Italian <i>belle</i>! We shall make a lovely
+            Three!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+
+    <p class="author">[<i>Left making signs.</i></p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>ACCI-DENTAL QUERY.&mdash;Let me ask the <i>Patres
+    Conscripti</i> of our Academy Royal, why Dentists are not
+    admitted A.R.A. <i>ex officio</i>. We have all for ever so
+    long, since the memory of the oldest JOE MILLER, which runneth
+    not to the contrary, known that Dentists drew teeth. But they
+    nowadays add to their accomplishments by painting gums. The
+    other day a friend of ours had a gum beautifully painted by a
+    Dentist-artist in a certain Welbeck Street studio. It was a
+    wonderful gathering; our friend in the chair.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>The Old Joe and the New.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>To the humorous mind of a cynical cast,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Party change many matters for mirth
+            affords;</p>
+
+            <p>But of all the big jokes, we've the biggest at
+            last,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In CHAMBERLAIN's backing the House of
+            Lords!</p>
+
+            <p>They toil not, nor spin? That's a very old jeer!</p>
+
+            <p><i>Won't</i> the Lilies take back seats when JOE is
+            a Peer?</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page211"
+       id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/211.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/211.png"
+             alt="TRYING IT ON!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>TRYING IT ON!</h3>RUSSIA. "SS&mdash;S&mdash;T!
+        (<i>Whispers.</i>) I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU, MY DEAR!"
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page213"
+       id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:67%;">
+        <a href="images/213-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/213-1.png"
+             alt="'LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!'" /></a>
+
+        <h3>"LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!"</h3>(<i>Not much Gaiety
+        about it.</i>)
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>TO MY LORD ADDINGTON.</h2>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>[Lord ADDINGTON, speaking recently at a Harvest
+        Festival, said, "If he were a labourer, and saw a rabbit
+        nibbling his cabbages, he would go for that rabbit with the
+        first thing at hand." (<i>Enthusiastic
+        cheers.</i>)&mdash;<i>Daily News</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/213-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/213-2.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Lord ADDINGTON, most wonderful</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Of people-pleasing peers,</p>
+
+            <p>You certainly contrived to raise</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Enthusiastic cheers."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The villagers come flocking in</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">From all the country through,</p>
+
+            <p>To hear Your Lordship speak his mind</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">And tell them what to do.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You did it well, you told them how</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">You'd have them understand</p>
+
+            <p>A lucky chance has made you own</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A quantity of land.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Though very fond of shooting, yet</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Your love of shooting stops</p>
+
+            <p>At letting rabbits have their way</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At decimating crops.</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>And so, if you a labourer were,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">(The which of course you're not),</p>
+
+            <p>And saw a rabbit in your ground</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A-nibbling&mdash;on the spot</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>You'd go for him with spade or fork,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">At which, so it appears,</p>
+
+            <p>There rang throughout the crowded room</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">"Enthusiastic cheers."</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>A Peer's advice is always good,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">So doubtless they will grab
+            it,&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p><i>But</i> no one will be happier than</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">The cabbage-nibbling rabbit!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>A LITTLE STRANGER.</h3>
+
+    <blockquote class="note">
+        <p>["At the meeting of the Bermondsey Vestry, the Medical
+        Officer reported that water drawn from the service-pipe of
+        a house in the Jamaica Road, had been submitted to him. The
+        water was clear, but it contained a live
+        horse-leech."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.]</p>
+    </blockquote>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Oh, into our domestic pipes</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">They crawl and creep by stealth,</p>
+
+            <p>The gruesome creatures known unto</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">An Officer of Health!</p>
+
+            <p>Harken to him of Bermondsey,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Think what his murmurings teach,</p>
+
+            <p>"The water seemed quite limpid,
+            <i>but</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">It did contain a Leech!"</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>The service-pipe was sound and good</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">In the Jamaica Road;</p>
+
+            <p>The cistern there had harboured ne'er</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Microbe, or newt, or toad;</p>
+
+            <p>No clearer water softly laved</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">A coral island beach;</p>
+
+            <p>So thought the householder, until&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He found that awful Leech!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Perchance he was a temperance foe</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To alcoholic drink,</p>
+
+            <p>And from all dalliance with Bung</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Did scrupulously shrink.</p>
+
+            <p>Yet now to forms of fluid sin</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">He'll cotton, all and each;</p>
+
+            <p>He does not like such liquors, <i>but</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Prefers them to a Leech!</p>
+        </div>
+
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>Our pipes will not be pipes of peace</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">If such things hap, I trow;</p>
+
+            <p>And as for Water Trusts, 'tis hard</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">To trust in water now.</p>
+
+            <p>Oh, Co. of Southwark and Vauxhall,</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">We ratepayers beseech,</p>
+
+            <p>Double your filtering charges, <i>but</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+            <p class="i2">Remove the loathly Leech!</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:33%;">
+        <a href="images/213-3.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/213-3.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>There is a judicial review of GEORGE MEREDITH's work in the
+    <i>Quarterly</i> for October&mdash;masterly, too, quoth the
+    Baron, as striking a balance between effect and defect, and
+    finding so much to be duly said in high praise of the diffuse
+    and picturesquely-circumnavigating Novelist through whose
+    labyrinthine pages the simple Baron finds it hard to thread his
+    way, and yet keep the clue. When the unskippingly conscientious
+    peruser of GEORGE M.'s novels is most desirous that the author
+    shall go ahead, GEORGE, like an Irish cardriver, will stop to
+    "discoorse us," and at such length, and so diffusely, and with
+    such a wealth of eccentric word-coming and grammar-dodging,
+    that at last the Baron gasps, choked by the rolling billows of
+    sonorously booming or boomingly sonorous words, battles with
+    the waves, ducks, and comes up again breathlessly, wondering
+    where he may be, and what it was all about. "Story! God bless
+    you, I haven't much to tell, Sir!" says the luxuriantly
+    fanciful novel-grinder. And he hasn't much, it must be owned,
+    for essenced it would go into half a volume, or less, and all
+    over and above is pot-fuls of rich colour, spilt about almost
+    at haphazard, permutations and combinations, giving the effect
+    of genius. Which&mdash;genius it is; but a little of it goes a
+    great way, in fact, a very great way, wandering and straying
+    until at length the Baron calls for his <i>Richard Feverel</i>,
+    and says, "This is the best that GEORGE MEREDITH has written,
+    as sure as my name is</p>
+
+    <p class="author">"THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>Bard v. Bard.</h3>
+
+    <div class="poem">
+        <div class="stanza">
+            <p>There was a poor Poet named CLOUGH,</p>
+
+            <p>Poet SWINBURNE declares he wrote stuff.</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">Ah, well, <i>he</i> is dead!</p>
+
+            <p class="i4">'Tis the living are fed,</p>
+
+            <p>By log-rollers, on butter and puff.</p>
+        </div>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p>A SUGGESTION.&mdash;In a new poetical play at the Opera
+    Comique there is a good deal of hide-and-seek. It might have
+    had a second title, and been appropriately called <i>The
+    Queen's Room; or, Secret Passages in the Life of Mary
+    Stuart</i>.</p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page214"
+       id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span>
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:100%;">
+        <a href="images/214.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/214.png"
+             alt="STREET IMPROVEMENTS." /></a>
+
+        <h3>STREET IMPROVEMENTS.</h3>
+
+        <p>["If we really used the Thames Embankment sensibly and
+        liberally, it would abound with handsome shops and cheerful
+        cafés a and volksgartens, with newspaper kiosks and long
+        lines of bookstalls."&mdash;<i>Daily Telegraph</i>, Oct.
+        21.]</p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page215"
+       id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span>
+
+    <h3>BLENDIMUS!</h3>
+
+    <p>"Water, water everywhere" in the <i>Times</i> recently,
+    except when Messrs. GILBEY wrote their annual, and this time
+    hopeful, account of the Claret vintage, and when subsequently
+    Messrs. "P. and G."&mdash;(who on earth are "P. and
+    G."?)&mdash;with a few modest lines at the foot of a page, last
+    Wednesday, enlivened our drooping spirits with a brief but
+    satisfactory account of Champagne Prospects. If the vintages of
+    '86 and '87 are good, and those of '90 and '91 poor, why not
+    make a blend? and why not sell it as such? Let "P. and
+    G."&mdash;[confound it! who on earth can P. and G. be? "P. and
+    J." would be "Punch and Judy"&mdash;and, by the way, in the
+    choice <i>Lingua Tuscana</i>, "P. and G." would stand for
+    "<i>Poncio è Giulia</i>." But, on the other hand, who,
+    unauthorised, would dare to use this signature? No
+    matter&mdash;where were we?&mdash;ah!&mdash;to resume.] Let "P.
+    and G.," whoe'er they be&mdash;which is rhyme, though not so
+    intended&mdash;(but why this masquerade in initials?)&mdash;let
+    them exploit a "Blend of '90-cum-'86 and '91-cum-'87," sell it
+    as such&mdash;viz., The "P. and G. Blend," or "The Punchius and
+    Giulia Blend"&mdash;at a reasonable figure, and thus the
+    Not-quite-up-to-the-mark vintages will be saved. Have we not
+    seen in City partnerships how a strong house saves a failing
+    one, and then the Blends go on successfully? Let "P. and G."
+    give us a first-rate Champagne, call it, say, The "G.B.," or
+    "Golden Blend," at a reasonable price, and, to drop once again
+    into poetry, No matter what their name may be, We'll ever bless
+    our P. and G.!<a id="footnotetag2"
+       name="footnotetag2"></a><a href="#footnote2"><sup>2</sup></a></p>
+
+    <blockquote class="footnote">
+        <a id="footnote2"
+                    name="footnote2"></a><b>Footnote 2:</b>
+                    <a href="#footnotetag2">(return)</a>
+
+        <p>"P. and G." might stand for "Pay-for-it and Get-it," or
+        "Pour-it and Guzzle-it." A Correspondent has suggested that
+        solution of the initial problem might possibly be found in
+        the names of Pommery and Gre'&mdash;No! So common-place a
+        suggestion is evidently, and on the face of it, absurd. Not
+        in this spirit did the Pickwick Club treat the celebrated
+        inscription on the stone that so puzzled the
+        antiquarians.</p>
+    </blockquote>
+    <hr />
+
+    <div class="figcenter"
+         style="width:65%;">
+        <a href="images/215.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/215.png"
+             alt="SPORT!" /></a>
+
+        <h3>SPORT!</h3>
+
+        <p><i>Cockney Sportsman</i> (<i>eager, but
+        disappointed</i>). "I SAY, MY BOY, SEEN ANY BIRDS THIS
+        WAY?"</p>
+
+        <p>'<i>Cute Rustic (likewise anxious to make a bag).</i>
+        "OH, A RARE LOT, GUV'NOR&mdash;A RARE LOT&mdash;JUST FLEW
+        OVER THIS 'ERE 'EDGE, AND SETTLED IN THAT 'ERE FIELD, CLOSE
+        TO SQUIRE BLANK'S RICKS."</p>
+
+        <p>[<i>Grateful Cockney Sportsman tips boy a shilling, and
+        goes hopefully after ... a flock of Starlings!</i></p>
+    </div>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h2>CAUGHT BY THE CLASSICS.</h2>
+
+    <h4>(<i>The Record of a Ruined Life.</i>)</h4>
+
+    <p>AUGUSTUS SPARKLER was an exceptionally brilliant man. At
+    school he had done marvellously well, and if he did not
+    distinguish himself at either of the Universities, it was less
+    his fault than his misfortune. When he entered the world, after
+    casting off parental control, he took up Medicine. He was a
+    great success. He rose by leaps and bounds, until at length it
+    was thought highly probable that he would be elected President
+    of the Royal College of Physicians. He was sounded upon the
+    subject, and a question was put to him.</p>
+
+    <p>"No," he replied, sorrowfully, and then the courteous
+    Secretary informed him, with tears in his voice, that he feared
+    he was disqualified.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I will enter the Navy."</p>
+
+    <p>He did. He passed through the <i>Britannia</i>, and rose by
+    leaps and bounds, until it was considered desirable to revive
+    the post of Lord High Admiral for his acceptance. But before
+    this was done, he was sounded upon the subject, and asked a
+    question.</p>
+
+    <p>"No," he again answered, regretfully.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am afraid then, that the scheme must be abandoned,"
+    returned the First Civil Lord (he had been chosen as more
+    polite than his sea colleagues), and he was almost moved to
+    tears in his sadness.</p>
+
+    <p>"I will enter the Army," cried AUGUSTUS, with
+    determination.</p>
+
+    <p>And he did. He rose from the ranks in less than no time to
+    become a Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious
+    Personage asked him if he would like to become
+    Commander-in-Chief.</p>
+
+    <p>"It is not impossible I might resign in your favour," said
+    the I.P. And then he asked him the necessary question.</p>
+
+    <p>"No, Sir," returned AUGUSTUS, bowing down his head in shame.
+    Again he found that his career was interrupted.</p>
+
+    <p>"I will try the Bar," he shouted.</p>
+
+    <p>And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short
+    time became a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the
+    entire Ministry begged him, as a personal favour, to accept the
+    post of Lord Chancellor.</p>
+
+    <p>"With pleasure," was his modest rejoinder. Then he
+    remembered that he had been asked a certain question on
+    previous occasions, and explained matters.</p>
+
+    <p>"I am afraid you won't do," cried the entire Ministry,
+    mournfully.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, then, I will try the Church."</p>
+
+    <p>And he tried the Church. He became an eminent divine. Every
+    one spoke well of him; and when, in due course, the Primacy of
+    all England was vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he
+    explained matters.</p>
+
+    <p>"No!" shouted all the Deans and Chapters.</p>
+
+    <p>"You can't mean it!" cried the entire body of
+    Archdeacons.</p>
+
+    <p>"Well, I never!" exclaimed every other ecclesiastical
+    authority. But it could not be, and the disappointment was too
+    much for poor AUGUSTUS, and he died of grief.</p>
+
+    <p>And so they put on the tombstone, that he would have been
+    President of the Royal College of Physicians, Lord High
+    Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of
+    Canterbury, if&mdash;<i>he had only learned Greek!</i></p>
+    <hr />
+    <span class="pagenum"><a name="page216"
+       id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span>
+
+    <h2>LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.</h2>
+
+    <h3>No. V.&mdash;TO GUSH.</h3>
+
+    <p>MY DEAREST DARLING PERSON,</p>
+
+    <p>How sweet and amiable of you to allow a humble being like
+    myself to write to you. Dropping your own special style (which,
+    to be perfectly frank with you, I could no more continue
+    through the whole of this letter than I could dine off treacle
+    and butter-scotch), I beg to say that I am heartily glad to
+    have this opportunity of telling you a few things which have
+    been on my mind for a long time. In what corner of the great
+    realm of abstractions do you make your home? I imagine you
+    whiling away the hours on some soft couch of imitation down,
+    with a little army of sweet but irrelevant smiles ready at all
+    times to do your bidding. You are refined, I am sure. You
+    cultivate sympathy as some men cultivate orchids, until it
+    blooms and luxuriates in the strangest and gaudiest shapes.
+    Your real face is known of no other abstraction; indeed, you
+    never see it yourself, so well-fitted and so constant is the
+    mask through which you waft the endearments which have caused
+    you to be avoided everywhere. This, I admit, is imagination;
+    but is it very far from the truth? Perhaps I ask in vain, for
+    truth is the very last thing that may be expected of you and of
+    those who do your bidding upon earth. I will not, therefore,
+    press the question, but proceed at once to business.</p>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:28%;">
+        <a href="images/216-1.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/216-1.png"
+             alt="" /></a>
+    </div>
+
+    <p>About a month ago I met your friend, ALGERNON JESSAMY. What
+    is there about ALGERNON that inspires such distrust? He is very
+    presentable; some people have gone so far as to call him
+    absolutely good-looking. He is tall, his figure is good, his
+    clothes fit him admirably, and are always speckless; his
+    features are regular, his complexion fresh, and his fair hair,
+    carefully parted in the middle, lies like a smooth and shining
+    lid upon his head. I pass over all his remaining advantages,
+    whether of dress or of nature. It is enough to say that, thus
+    equipped, and with the additional merits of wealth and a good
+    position, ALGERNON ought to have found no difficulty in being
+    one of the most popular men in town. Perhaps he would have been
+    if he had not tried with such a persistent energy to make
+    himself "so deuced agreeable." The phrase is not mine, but that
+    of SAMMY MIGGS, who has a contempt for ALGERNON and his
+    methods, which he never attempts to conceal.</p>
+
+    <p>"ALGY, my boy," I have heard him say, while the unfortunate
+    JESSAMY smiled uneasily, and shifted on his seat, "ALGY, my
+    boy, I've known you too long to give in to any of your
+    nonsense. All that butter of yours is wasted here, so you'd
+    better keep it for someone who likes it. Try it on QUISBY," he
+    continued, indicating the celebrated actor, who was at that
+    moment frowning furiously over a notice of his latest
+    performance; "he loves it in firkins, and I'll undertake to say
+    you'll never get to the bottom of his swallowing capacity.
+    You'll have to exhaust even your stock, ALGY, my boy; and
+    that's saying a lot."</p>
+
+    <p>So thoroughly uncomfortable did the suave and gentle
+    ALGERNON look, that I afterwards ventured to remonstrate mildly
+    with the gadfly MIGGS.</p>
+
+    <p>"What?" he said, "made him uncomfortable, did I? And a jolly
+    good job too. Bless you, I know the beggar through and through.
+    I wasn't at Oxford with him for nothing. Wish I had been. He's
+    the sort of chap who loses no end of I.O.U.'s at cards one
+    night, and when he wins piles of ready the next never offers to
+    redeem them. You let me alone about ALGY. I tell you I know
+    him. There's no bigger humbug in Christendom with all his soft
+    sawder and gas about everybody being the dearest and cleverest
+    fellow he's ever met. Bah!"</p>
+
+    <p>And therewith SAMMY left me, evidently smarting under some
+    ancient sore inflicted by the apparently angelic ALGERNON.</p>
+
+    <p>However, this little incident was not the one I intended to
+    narrate. I met ALGY, as I said, about a month ago. It was in
+    Piccadilly. At first, as I approached, I thought he did not see
+    me, but suddenly he seemed to become aware of my presence. An
+    electric thrill of joy ran through him, a smile of heavenly
+    welcome irradiated his face, he darted towards me with both
+    hands stretched out and almost fell round my neck before all
+    the astonished cabmen.</p>
+
+    <p>"My dear, dear fellow," he gasped, apparently struggling
+    hard with an overpowering emotion, "this is almost too much. To
+    think that I should meet the one man of all others whom I have
+    been literally longing to see. Now you simply must walk with me
+    for a bit. I can't afford to let you go without having a good
+    talk with you. It always refreshes me so to hear your opinions
+    of men and things."</p>
+
+    <p>Ignoring my assurance that I had an important appointment to
+    keep, he linked his arm closely in mine and dragged me with him
+    in the direction from which I had come. How he pattered and
+    chattered and flattered. He daubed me over with flattery as I
+    have seen bill-stickers brush a hoarding over with paste. Never
+    in my life had I felt so small, so mean and such a perfect
+    fool, for though I own I have no objection to an occasional
+    lollipop of praise, I must say I loathe it in lumps the size of
+    a jelly-fish. Yet such is the fare on which JESSAMY compels me
+    to subsist. And the annoying part of it was that every lump
+    which he crammed down my throat contained an inferential
+    compliment to himself, which I was forced either to accept, or
+    in declining it to appear a churl. I was never more churlish,
+    never less satisfied with myself. Amongst other things we spoke
+    of the affairs of "The Dustheap," a little Club of which we
+    were both members. JESSAMY opined it was going to the dogs.
+    "Just look," he said, "at the men they've got on the Committee;
+    mere nobodies. I've always wondered why you are not on it. Men
+    like you and me wouldn't make the ridiculous mistakes the
+    present lot are constantly making. Fancy their electing
+    MUMPLEY, a regular outsider, without enough manners for a
+    school-boy. I really don't care about being in the same room
+    with him." At this very moment, by one of those curious
+    coincidences which invariably happen, the abused MUMPLEY
+    himself, a wealthy but otherwise inoffensive stockbroker, hove
+    in sight. "There comes the brute himself," said JESSAMY; and in
+    another moment his arms were round MUMPLEY's neck, and he was
+    protesting, with all the fervour of a heartfelt conviction,
+    that MUMPLEY was the one man of all others for whom his heart
+    had been yearning. That being so, I left them together, and
+    departed to my business.</p>
+
+    <p>Now does JESSAMY imagine that that kind of thing makes him a
+    favourite? It must be admitted that he is not very artistic in
+    his methods; and I fancy he must sometimes perceive, if I may
+    use a homely phrase, that he doesn't go down. But the poor
+    beggar can't help himself. He is driven by a force which he
+    finds it impossible to resist into the cruel snares that are
+    spread for the over-amiable. You, my dear GUSH, are that force,
+    and to you, therefore, the sugary JESSAMY owes his failure to
+    win the appreciation which he courts so ardently.</p>
+
+    <p>And now I think I have relieved my mind of a sufficient load
+    for the time being. If I can remember anything else that might
+    interest you, you may count upon me to address you again.
+    Permit me in the meantime to subscribe myself with all proper
+    curtness,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">Yours. &amp;c.<br />
+    DIOGENES ROBINSON.</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <h3>"THE PRODIGY SON."</h3>
+
+    <div class="figright"
+         style="width:20%;">
+        <a href="images/216-2.png"><img width="100%"
+             src="images/216-2.png"
+             alt="Much put out." /></a>Much put out.
+    </div>
+
+    <p>Sir,&mdash;I have not seen <i>Pamela's Prodigy</i>, but I
+    have just read the criticism in the <i>Times</i>, which says of
+    it, "It must be regarded either as a boyish effusion or a sorry
+    joke." The criticism then points out how it lacks "wit, humour,
+    literary skill," and apparently is wanting in everything that
+    goes to make a successful play,&mdash;everything that is,
+    except the actors. Mrs. JOHN WOOD was in it: she is a host in
+    herself: not only a host, but the Manageress of the theatre
+    who, with her partner in the business, is responsible for the
+    selection of pieces. Now granting the critic to be
+    right&mdash;and, on referring to others, I find a
+    <i>consensus</i> of opinion backing him up&mdash;at whose door
+    lies the responsibility of having deliberately selected a
+    failure? Under what compulsion could so clever and experienced
+    an autocrat, sharp as a needle and with the "heye of an 'awk"
+    in theatrical matters, as Mrs. JOHN WOOD, have made so fatal a
+    mistake&mdash;that is, if the critics are right, and if it be a
+    mistake? "<i>To err, is human</i>"&mdash;and, including even
+    Mrs. JOHN WOOD, and the critics, we are all human,&mdash;"<i>To
+    forgive, divine</i>"&mdash;the critics not being divine could
+    not forgive; the public apparently, did forgive&mdash;and,
+    will, of course, forget. 'Tis all very well to fall foul of the
+    unhappy author&mdash;whom we will not name&mdash;<i>after</i>
+    the event; but why was the piece ever chosen, and why was not
+    the discovery of its unfitness made during rehearsal? No! "as
+    long as the world goes round" these things will happen in the
+    best regulated theatres, and experience is apparently no sort
+    of guide in such matters.&mdash;Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+    <p class="author">"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!"</p>
+    <hr />
+
+    <p><font size="+1">&#9758;</font> NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected
+    Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter,
+    Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+    returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+    Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+    exception.</p>
+    <hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume
+101, October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15442-h.htm or 15442-h.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/4/15442/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+
+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/15442-h/images/205-1.png b/15442-h/images/205-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8ee3cdd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/205-1.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/205-2.png b/15442-h/images/205-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..02253ed
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/205-2.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/206.png b/15442-h/images/206.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c2a560b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/206.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/207.png b/15442-h/images/207.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..03955fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/207.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/208.png b/15442-h/images/208.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b257130
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/208.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/209-1.png b/15442-h/images/209-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..780280a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/209-1.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/209-2.png b/15442-h/images/209-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ebf74fc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/209-2.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/209-3.png b/15442-h/images/209-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..7c3262b
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/209-3.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/210.png b/15442-h/images/210.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..fddbc7c
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/210.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/211.png b/15442-h/images/211.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..68e150e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/211.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/213-1.png b/15442-h/images/213-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c8e69f3
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/213-1.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/213-2.png b/15442-h/images/213-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..106c5db
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/213-2.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/213-3.png b/15442-h/images/213-3.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0bb2a34
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/213-3.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/214.png b/15442-h/images/214.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c566fd
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/214.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/215.png b/15442-h/images/215.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..797dd26
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/215.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/216-1.png b/15442-h/images/216-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c3227e6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/216-1.png
diff --git a/15442-h/images/216-2.png b/15442-h/images/216-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..47caf99
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442-h/images/216-2.png
diff --git a/15442.txt b/15442.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..f71ae92
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1657 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101,
+October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume 101, October 31, 1891
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor:   Francis Burnand
+
+
+Release Date: March 23, 2005 [EBook #15442]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH,
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 101.
+
+
+
+October 31, 1891.
+
+
+
+
+YOUNG GRANDOLPH'S BARTY.
+
+(_Afrikander Version of the great Breitmann Ballad, penned, "more
+in sorrow than in anger," by a "Deutscher" resident in the distant
+regions where the Correspondent of the "Daily Graphic" is, like der
+Herr Breitmann himself, "drafellin' apout like eferydings._")
+
+[Illustration: (Y)]
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Vhere is dat Barty now?
+  He fell'd in luf mit der African goldt;
+    Mit SOLLY he'd hat a row;
+  He dinks dat his secession
+    Would make der resht look plue,
+  But, before he drafel vast and var,
+    His Barty sphlit in two.
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Dere vash B-LF-R, W-LFF, and G-RST,
+  Dey haf vorgot deir "Leater,"
+    Und dat ish not deir vorst.
+  B-LF-R vill "boss" der Commons,
+    Vhile GRANDOLPH--sore disgraced--
+  Ish "oop a tree," like der Bumble Bee,
+    Und W-LFF and G-RST are "placed."
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty--
+    Vhen he dat Barty led,
+  B-LF-R vash but a "Bummer,"
+    A loafing lollop-head.
+  Young Tories schvore by GRANDOLPH,
+    (Dey schvear _at_ GRANDOLPH now,)
+  Now at de feet of der "lank aesthete"
+    Der _Times_ itshelf doth bow!
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,
+    Dere all vash "Souse und Brouse."[1]
+  Now he hets not dat prave gompany
+    All in der Commons House,
+  To see _him_ skywgle GL-DST-NE,
+    Und schlog him on der kop.
+  Young Tory bloods no longer shout
+    Till der SCHPEAKER bids dem shtop.
+
+  Und, like dat Rhine Mermaiden
+    "Vot hadn't got nodings on,"
+  Dey "don't dink mooch of beoplesh
+    Vat goes mit demselfs alone!"
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH _hat_ a Barty--
+    Where ish dat Barty now?
+  Where ish dat oder ARTHUR's song
+    Vot darkened der Champerlain's prow?
+  Where ish de himmelstrahlende stern,
+    De shtar of der Tory fight?
+  All gon'd afay, as on Woodcock's wing,
+    Afay in de ewigkeit!
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty;
+    He hunt der lions now,
+  All in der lone Mashonaland,
+    But he does not "score"--somehow.
+  One Grand Old Lion he dared to peard,
+    Und he "potted" Earls and Dukes,
+  But eight or nine real lions at once,
+    He thinks are "_trop de luxe_"
+
+  Young GRANDOLPH hat a Barty,
+    But he scooted 'cross der sea,
+  Und he tidn't say to dem, "Come, my poys,
+    Und drafel along mit me!"
+
+[Footnote 1: _Saus und Braus_--Ger., Riot and Bustle.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"CORRECT CARD, GENTS!"--"Wanted a Map of London" was the heading of
+a letter in the _Times_ last Thursday. No, Sir! that's not what is
+wanted. There are hundreds of 'em, specially seductive pocket ones,
+with just the very streets that one wants to discover as short cuts
+to great centres carefully omitted. What _is_ wanted is a _correct_
+map of London, divided into pocketable sections, portable, foldable,
+durable, on canvas,--but if imperfect, as so many of these small
+pocket catch-shilling ones are just now, although professedly
+brought up to date '91, they are worse than useless, and to purchase
+one is a waste of time, temper and money. We could mention an
+attractive-looking little map--which, but no-- Publishers and public
+are hereby cautioned! N.B.--Test well your pocket map through a
+magnifying glass before buying. _Experto crede!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OYSTERLESS.
+
+(_BY AN IMPECUNIOUS GOURMET_.)
+
+    [Oysters are very dear, and are likely, as the season
+    advances, to be still higher in price.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Oh, Oyster mine! Oh, Oyster mine!
+    You're still as exquisitely nice;
+  With perfect pearly tints you shine,
+    But you are such an awful price.
+  The lemon and the fresh cayenne,
+    Brown bread and butter and the stout
+  Are here, and just the same, but then
+    What if I have to leave you out?
+
+  What wonder that my spirits droop,
+    That life can bring me no delight,
+  When I must give up oyster soup,
+    So softly delicately white.
+  The curry powder stands anear,
+    The scallop shells, but what care I--
+  You're so abominably dear,
+    O Oyster! that I cannot buy.
+
+  With sad imaginative flights,
+    I think upon the days of yore;
+  Like TICKLER, on Ambrosian nights,
+    I have consumed them by the score.
+  And still, whenever you appeared,
+    My pride it was to use you well;
+  I let the juice play round your beard,
+    And always on the hollow shell.
+
+  I placed you in the fair lark-pie.
+    With steak and kidneys too, of course;
+  Your ancestors were glad to die,
+    So well I made the oyster sauce.
+  I had you stewed and featly fried,
+    And dipped in batter--think of that;
+  And, as a pleasant change, I've tried
+    You, skewered in rows, with bacon-fat.
+
+  "Where art thou, ALICE?" cried the bard.
+    "Where art thou, Oyster?" I exclaim.
+  It really is extremely hard,
+    To know thee nothing but a name.
+  For this is surely torment worse
+    Than DANTE heaped upon his dead;--
+  To find thee quite beyond my purse,
+    And so go oysterless to bed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A PROPOS_ OF THE SECRETARY FOR WAR'S ROSEATE AFTER--DINNER
+SPEECH (_on the entirely satisfactory state of the Army
+generally_).--(STAN-)"HOPE told a flattering tale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNIVERSITY MEM.--The Dean of Christ Church will keep his seat till
+Christmas, and just a LIDDELL longer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE RAVEN.
+
+(_Very Latest War-Office Version. See Mr. Stanhope's After-Dinner
+Speech at the Holborn Restaurant (Oct. 17), and Letter in "Times"
+(Oct. 21) on "Pangloss at the War Office."_)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Secretarial Pangloss sings:_--
+
+  Late, upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, tired but cheery,
+  Over many an optimistic record of War Office lore;
+  Whilst I worked, assorting, mapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
+  As of someone rudely rapping, rapping at my Office-door.
+  "Some late messenger," I muttered, "tapping at my Office-door--
+            Only this, but it's a bore."
+
+  I remember--being sober--it was in the chill October,
+  Light from the electric globe or horseshoe lighted wall and floor;
+  Also that it was the morrow of the Holborn Banquet; sorrow
+  From the Blue Books croakers borrow--sorrow for the days of yore,
+  For the days when "_Rule Britannia_" sounded far o'er sea and shore.
+            Ah! it _must_ have been a bore!
+
+  But on that let's draw the curtain. I am simply cock-sure--certain
+  That "our splendid little Army" never was so fine before.
+  It will take a lot of beating! Such remarks I keep repeating;
+  They come handy--after eating, and are always sure to score--
+  Dash that rapping chap entreating entrance at my Office-door!
+            It is an infernal bore!
+
+  Presently I grew more placid (Optimists should not be acid.)
+  "Come in!" I exclaimed--"con_found_ you! Pray stand drumming there
+          no more."
+  But the donkey still kept tapping. "Dolt!" I muttered, sharply
+          snapping,
+  "Why the deuce do you come rapping, rapping at my Office-door?
+  Yet not 'enter' when you're told to?"--here I opened wide the door--
+            Darkness there, and nothing more.
+
+  Open next I flung the shutter, when, with a prodigious flutter,
+  In there stepped a bumptious Raven, black as any blackamoor.
+  Not the least obeisance made he, not a moment stopped or stayed he,
+  But with scornful look, though shady, perched above my Office-door,
+  Perched upon BRITANNIA's bust that stood above my Office-door--
+            Perched, and sat, and seemed to snore.
+
+  "Well," I said, sardonic smiling, "this is really rather riling;
+  "It comports not with decorum such as the War Office bore
+  In old days stiff and clean-shaven. Dub me a Gladstonian craven
+  If I ever saw a Raven at the W.O. before.
+  Tell me what your blessed name is. '_Rule Britannia_' held of yore,"
+            Quoth the bird, "'Tis so no more!"
+
+  Much I marvelled this sophistic fowl to utter pessimistic
+  Fustian, which so little meaning--little relevancy bore
+  To the rule of me and SOLLY; but, although it may sound folly,
+  This strange fowl a strange resemblance to "Our Only General" wore,
+  To the W-LS-L-Y whose pretensions to sound military lore
+            Are becoming quite a bore.
+
+  But the Raven, sitting lonely on that much-peeled bust, spake only
+  Of our Army as a makeshift, small, ill-manned, and precious poor.
+  Drat the pessimistic bird!--he grumbled of "the hurdy-gurdy
+  Marching-past side of a soldier's life in peace." "We've fought
+          before,
+  Winning battles with boy-troops," I cried, "We'll do as we before--"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Nonsense!" said I. "After dinner at the Holborn, as a winner
+  Spake I in the _Pangloss_ spirit to the taxpayers, (_Don't_ snore!)
+  Told them our recruits--who'll master e'en unmerciful disaster,
+  Come in fast and come in faster, quite as good as those of yore,"--
+  "Flattering tales of (Stan) Hope!" cried the bird, whose dismal
+          dirges bore,
+            One dark burden--"Nevermore!"
+
+  "Hang it, Raven, this _is_ riling!" cried I. "Stop your rude
+          reviling!"
+  Then I wheeled my office-chair in front of bird and bust and door;
+  And upon its cushion sinking, "I," I said, "will smash like winking
+  This impeachment you are bringing, O you ominous bird of yore,
+  O you grim, ungainly, ghastly, grumbling, gruesome feathered bore!"
+            Croaked the Raven, "You I'll floor."
+
+  Then methought the bird looked denser, and his cheek became
+          immenser.
+  And he twaddled of VON MOLTKE, and his German Army Corps;
+  "Flattering the tax-payers' vanity," and much similar insanity,
+  In a style that lacked urbanity, till the thing became a bore.
+  "Oh, get out of it!" I cried; "our little Army yet will score."
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Prophet!" said I, "of all evil, that we're 'going to the devil'
+  Has been the old croaker's gospel for a century, and more.
+  Red-gilled Colonels this have chaunted in BRITTANIA's ears
+          undaunted,
+  By their ghosts you must he haunted. Take a Blue-pill, I implore!
+  When our Army meets the foe it's bound to lick him as of yore!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!
+
+  "Prophet!" said I, "that's uncivil. You may go to--well, the devil!
+  That Establishments are 'short,' and 'standards' lowered o'er and
+          o'er.
+  That mere 'weeds,' with chests of maiden, cannot march with
+          knapsack laden;
+  That the heat of sultry Aden, or the cold of Labrador,
+  Such can't stand, _may_ be the truth; but keep it dark, bird, I
+          implore!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  "Then excuse me, we'll be parting, doleful fowl," I cried,
+          upstarting;
+  "Get thee back to--the Red River, or the Nile's sand-cumbered shore!
+  Leave no 'Magazine' as token of the twaddle you have spoken.
+  What? BRITANNIA stoney-broken? Quit her bust above my door.
+  Take thy hook from the War Office; take thy beak from off my door!"
+            Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!"
+
+  And the Raven still is sitting, croaking statements most unfitting,
+  On BRITANNIA's much-peeled bust that's placed above my Office-door,
+  And if _Pangloss_, e'en in seeming, lent an ear to his dark
+          dreaming,
+  Useless were official scheming, grants of millions by the score,
+  For my soul were like the shadow that he casts upon the floor,
+            Dark and dismal evermore!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+_Aunt Jane_. "THAT MAKES THREE WEDDINGS IN OUR FAMILY WITHIN A
+TWELVEMONTH! IT WILL BE _YOUR_ TURN NEXT, MATILDA!"
+
+_Matilda_. "OH, NO!"
+
+_Aunt Jane_. "WELL, THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY THINGS HAPPEN SOMETIMES,
+YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TUPPER'S PROVERBIAL PHILOSOPHY UP TO DATE.
+
+    ["The range of our inquiry was intended to include the whole
+    migratory range for seals.... Our movements were kept most
+    secret."--_Sir George Baden-Powell on the Work of the Behring
+    Sea Commission_.]
+
+  We came, we saw, we--held our tongues (myself--BADEN-POWELL--and
+          Mr. DAWSON.)
+  We popped on each seal-island "unbeknownst," and what we
+          discovered we held our jaws on.
+  We'd five hundred interviews within three months, which I think
+          "cuts the record" in interviewing,
+  Corresponded with 'Frisco, Japan, and Russia; so I hope you'll
+          allow we've been "up and doing."
+  (Not up and _saying_, be't well understood). As TUPPER (the
+          Honourable C.H., Minister
+  Of Fisheries) said, in the style of his namesake, "The fool
+          imagines all Silence is sinister,
+  "But the wise man knows that it's often dexterous." Be sure no
+          inquisitive shyness or bounce'll
+  Make us "too previous" with our Report, which goes first to the
+          QUEEN and the Privy Council.
+  Some bigwig's motto is, "Say and Seal," but as TUPPER remarked a
+          forefinger laying
+  To the dexter side of a fine proboscis, "Our motto at present is,
+          Seal _without_ saying!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEGAL QUERY.--The oldest of the thirteen Judges on the Scotch Bench is
+YOUNG. Any chance for a Junior after this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.
+
+NO. XII.
+
+    SCENE--_In front of the Hotel Bodenhaus at Spluegen. The
+    Diligence for Bellinzona is having its team attached. An
+    elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk, trying to run
+    through the last hundred pages of a novel from the Hotel
+    Library before her departure. PODBURY is in the Hotel,
+    negotiating for sandwiches. CULCHARD is practising his
+    Italian upon a very dingy gentleman in smoked spectacles, with
+    a shawl round his throat._
+
+_The Dingy Italian_ (_suddenly discovering CULCHARD's nationality_).
+Ecco, siete Inglese! Lat us spika Ingelis, I onnerstan' 'im to ze
+bottom-side. (_Laboriously, to CULCHARD, who tries to conceal his
+chagrin._) 'Ow menni time you employ to go since Coire at here? (C.
+_nods with vague encouragement_.) Vich manners of vezzer you vere
+possess troo your travels--mosh ommerella? (C.'s _eyes grow vacant_.)
+Ha, I _tink_ it vood! Zis day ze vicket root sall 'ave plenti 'orse
+to pull, &c., &c. (_Here PODBURY comes up, and puts some rugs the_
+coupe _of the diligence._) You sit at ze beginning-end, hey? better,
+you tink, zan ze mizzle? I too, zen, sall ride at ze front--we vill
+spika Ingelis, altro!
+
+_Podb._ (_overhearing this, with horror_). One minute, CULCHARD. (_He
+draws him aside._) I say, for goodness' sake, don't let's have that
+old organ-grinding Johnny in the _coupe_ with _us_!
+
+_Culch._ Organ-grinder! you are so _very_ insular! For anything you
+can tell, he may be a decayed nobleman.
+
+_Pod._ (_coarsely_). Well, let him decay somewhere else, that's all!
+Just tell the Conductor to shove him in the _interieur_, do, while I
+nip in the _coupe_ and keep our places.
+
+[Illustration: "An elderly Englishwoman is sitting on her trunk."]
+
+    [_CULCHARD, on reflection, adopts this suggestion, and the
+    Italian Gentleman, after fluttering feebly about the_ coupe
+    _door, is unceremoniously bundled by the Conductor into the
+    hinder part of the diligence._
+
+_IN THE BERNARDINO PASS, DURING THE ASCENT._
+
+_Culch._ Glorious view one gets at each fresh turn of the road,
+PODBURY! Look at Hinter-rhein, far down below there, like a toy
+village, and that vast desolate valley, with the grey river rushing
+through it, and the green glacier at the end, and these awful
+snow-covered peaks all round--_look_, man!
+
+_Podb._ I'm looking, old chap. It's all there, right enough!
+
+_Culch._ (_vexed_). It doesn't seem to be making any particular
+impression on you, I must say!
+
+_Podb._ It's making me deuced peckish, I know that--how about lunch,
+eh!
+
+_Culch._ (_pained_). We are going through scenery like this, and all
+you think of is--lunch! (_PODBURY opens a basket._) You may give me
+one of those sandwiches. What made you get _veal_? and the bread's
+all crust, too! Thanks, I'll take some claret.... (_They lunch; the
+vehicle meanwhile toils up to the head of the Pass._) Dear me, we're
+at the top already! These rocks shut out the valley altogether--much
+colder at this height, eh? Don't you find this keen air most
+exhilarating?
+
+_Podb._ (_shivering_). Oh very, do you mind putting your window up?
+Thanks. You seem uncommon chirpy to-day. Beginning to get _over_ it,
+eh?
+
+_Culch._ We shan't get over it for some hours yet.
+
+_Podb._ I didn't mean the Pass, I meant--(_hesitating_)--well, your
+little affair with Miss PRENDERGAST, you know.
+
+_Culch._ My little affair? Get over? (_He suddenly understands._) Oh,
+ah, to be sure. Yes, thank you, my dear fellow, it is not making me
+_particularly_ unhappy. [_He goes into a fit of silent laughter._
+
+_Podb._ Glad to hear it. (_To himself_.) 'Jove, if he only knew what
+_I_ know! [_He chuckles._
+
+_Culch._ You don't appear to be exactly heartbroken?
+
+_Podb._ I? why _should_ I be--about _what_?
+
+_Culch._ (_with an affectation of reserve_). Exactly, I was
+forgetting. (_To himself_.) It's really rather humorous. (_He laughs
+again._) Ha, we're beginning to go down now. Hey for Italy--la bella
+Italia! (_The diligence takes the first curve._) Good Heavens, what a
+turn! We're going at rather a sharp pace for downhill, eh? I suppose
+these Swiss drivers know what they're about, though.
+
+_Podb._ Oh, yes, generally--when they're not drunk. I can only see
+this fellow's boots--but they look to me a trifle squiffy.
+
+_Culch._ (_inspecting them, anxiously_). He does seem to drive
+very recklessly. _Look_ at those leaders--heading right for the
+precipice.... Ah, just saved it! How we do lurch in swinging round!
+
+_Podb._ Topheavy--I expect, too much luggage on board--have another
+sandwich?
+
+_Culch._ Not for me, thanks. I say, I wonder if it's safe, having no
+parapet, only these stone posts, eh?
+
+_Pod._ Safe enough--unless the wheel catches one--it was as near as a
+toucher just then--aren't you going to smoke? No? _I_ am. By the way,
+what were you so amused about just now, eh?
+
+_Culch._ _Was_ I amused? (_The vehicle gives another tremendous
+lurch._) Really, this is _too_ horrible!
+
+_Podb._ (_with secret enjoyment_). We're right enough, if the horses
+don't happen to stumble. That off-leader isn't over sure-footed--did
+you see _that_? (_Culch. shudders._) But what's the joke about Miss
+PRENDERGAST?
+
+_Culch._ (_irritably_). Oh, for Heaven's sake, don't bother about that
+_now_. I've something else to think about. My goodness, we were nearly
+over that time! What are you looking at?
+
+_Podb._ (_who has been leaning forward_). Only one of the
+traces--they've done it up with a penny ball of string, but I daresay
+it will stand the strain. You aren't _half_ enjoying the view, old
+fellow.
+
+_Culch._ Yes, I am. Magnificent!--glorious!--isn't it?
+
+_Podb._ Find you see it better with your eyes shut? But I say, I wish
+you'd explain what you were sniggering at.
+
+_Culch._ Take my advice, and don't press me, my dear fellow; you may
+regret it if you do!
+
+_Podb._ I'll risk it. It must be a devilish funny joke to tickle you
+like that. Come, out with it!
+
+_Culch._ Well, if you must know, I was laughing.... Oh, he'll _never_
+get those horses round in.... I was--er--rather amused by your evident
+assumption that I must have been _rejected_ by Miss PRENDERGAST.
+
+_Podb._ Oh, was _that_ it? And you're nothing of the kind, eh? [_He
+chuckles again._
+
+_Culch._ (_with dignity_). No doubt you will find it very singular;
+but, as a matter of fact, she--well, she most certainly did not
+_discourage_ my pretensions.
+
+_Podb._ The deuce she didn't! Did she tell you RUSKIN's ideas about
+courtship being a probation, and ask you if you were ready to be under
+vow for her, by any chance?
+
+_Culch._ This is too bad, PODBURY; you must have been there, or you
+couldn't possibly know!
+
+_Podb._ Much obliged, I'm sure. I don't listen behind doors, as a
+general thing. I suppose, now, she set you a trial of some kind, to
+prove your mettle, eh? [_With another chuckle._
+
+_Culch._ (_furiously_). Take care--or I may tell you more than you
+bargain for!
+
+_Podb._ Go on--never mind _me_. Bless you, _I'm_ under vow for her,
+too, my dear boy. Fact!
+
+_Culch._ That's impossible, and I can prove it. The service she
+demanded was, that I should leave Constance at once--with you. Do you
+understand--with _you_, PODBURY!
+
+_Podb._ (_with a prolonged whistle_). My aunt!
+
+_Culch._ (_severely_). You may invoke every female relative you
+possess in the world, but it won't alter the fact, and that alone
+ought to convince you--
+
+_Podb._ Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard _my_ penance. She told
+me to cart _you_ off, _Now_, then!
+
+_Culch._ (_faintly_). If I thought she'd been trifling with us both
+like that, I'd never--
+
+_Podb._ She's no end of a clever girl, you know. And, after all, she
+may only have wanted time to make up her mind.
+
+_Culch._ (_violently_). I tell you _what_ she is--she's a cold-blooded
+pedantic prig, and a systematic flirt! I loathe and detest a prig, but
+a flirt I despise--yes, _despise_, PODBURY!
+
+_Podb._ (_with only apparent irrelevance_). The same to you, and many
+of 'em, old chap! Hullo, we're going to stop at this inn. Let's get
+out and stretch our legs and have some coffee.
+
+    [_They do; on returning, they find the Italian Gentleman
+    smiling blandly at them from inside the_ coupe.
+
+_The It. G._ Goodaby, dear frens, a riverderla! I success at your
+chairs. I vish you a pleasure's delay!
+
+_Podb._ But I say, look here, Sir, we're going on, and you've got our
+place!
+
+_The It. G._ Sank you verri moch. I 'ope so. [_He blows_ PODBURY _a
+kiss._
+
+_Podb._ (_with intense disgust_). How on earth are we going to get
+that beggar out? Set the Conductor at him, CULCHARD, do--you can talk
+the lingo best!
+
+_Culch._ (_who has had enough of_ PODBURY _for the present_). Talk to
+him yourself, my dear fellow, _I_'m not going to make a row. [_He gets
+in._
+
+_Podb._ (_to Conductor_). Hi! sprechen sie Franzoesisch, oder was?
+_il-y-a quelque chose dans mon siege, dites-lui de_--what the deuce is
+the French for "clear out"?
+
+_Cond._ _Montez, Monsieur, nous bartons, montez vite alors!_
+
+    [_He thrusts PODBURY, protesting vainly, into the interieur,
+    with two peasants, a priest and the elderly Englishwoman. The
+    diligence starts again._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE ITALIAN OPERA.
+
+[Illustration: Two (Covent Garden) Gentlemen of Verona!!]
+
+[Illustration: Exit Romeo by the Rope Ladder,--a shrewd guess at what
+really happens.]
+
+_Tuesday, October 20th_.--Opening night. _Romeo et Juliette; debuts_
+of Mlle. SIMMONET, of the Opera Comique, and M. COSSIRA, as the
+lovers. _Lady Capulet's_ Small Dance, quite the smartest of the
+season, as the Veronese nobility present were evidently remarking,
+with abundance of easy gesture, to one another, as they led the way to
+the lemonade. The _Juliette_ of the evening charming, and soon singing
+herself into the good graces of a large audience; ditto, M. COSSIRA,
+"than which," as the Prophet NICHOLAS would say, "a more competent
+_Romeo_--though perhaps a trifle full in the waist for balcony-scaling
+by moonlight." If he had really trusted himself to that gossamer
+ladder in the Fourth Act, he would never have got away to Mantua,
+especially as _Juliette_, with the thoughtlessness of her age and sex,
+omitted to secure it in any way. Fortunately it was not a long drop,
+and the descent was accomplished without accident, as will be seen
+from the accompanying sketch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE FOR A TENOR.--Mr. SEYMOUR HADEN, the opponent of the Cremation
+gospel according to THOMPSON (Sir HENRY of that ilk), should come to
+an arrangement with the English Light Opera tenor, and tack COFFIN on
+to his name.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONLY FANCY!
+
+(_FROM MR. PUNCH'S OWN RUMOURISTS._)
+
+It may be interesting at this time of the year to mention the fact
+that Lord SALISBURY always uses a poker in cracking walnuts. He says
+it saves the silver. The other day, whilst wielding the poker across
+the walnuts and the wine, Mr. GLADSTONE chanced to look in. The
+Premier, with his well-known hospitality, immediately furnished
+the Right Hon. Gentleman with another poker (brought in from the
+drawing-room), and ordered up a fresh supply of nuts.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE, recurring in private conversation to a recent visit
+paid by him to Lord SALISBURY in Arlington Street, questioned the
+convenience of a poker as an instrument for shattering the shell of
+the walnut. For himself, he says, he has always found a pair of tongs
+more convenient.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Marquis of HARTINGTON, to whom this remark was reported,
+observed that as a dissentient Liberal he naturally differed from Mr.
+GLADSTONE, and was not to the fullest extent able to agree with his
+noble friend, the Marquis of SALISBURY. For his own part, he found
+the most convenient way of cracking a walnut was deftly to place the
+article in the interstice of the dining-room door, and gently close
+it. He found this plan combined with its original purpose a gentle
+exercise on the part of the guests highly conducive to digestion.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two hours later, the Leader of the Opposition was seen walking up
+Arlington Street, and on reaching Piccadilly, he hailed an omnibus,
+observing the precaution before entering of requiring the conductor to
+produce the scale of charges. "No pirate busses for _me_," the Right
+Hon. Member remarked, as (omitting the oath) he took his seat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is no secret in official circles that before the vacancy in the
+office of Postmaster-General was filled, it was placed at the disposal
+of the BARON BE BOOK-WORMS. Upon Sir JAMES FERGUSSON stepping in, the
+PRIME MINISTER was urgently desirous to have the collaboration of
+the noble BARON at the Foreign Office. But, somehow, the post of
+Under-Secretary vacated by Sir JAMES was assigned to Mr. WILLIAM JAMES
+LOWTHER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are authorised to state that His Imperial Majesty the Emperor of
+GERMANY, feeling the need of a little change, has resolved to stay at
+home for a fortnight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We are in a position to state that just prior to the General Election
+of 1880, Mr. CHAMBERLAIN was observed standing before a cheval glass,
+alternatively fixing his eyeglass in the right eye and in the left.
+Asked why he should thus quaintly occupy his leisure moments, he
+replied: "It is in view of the General Election. If on the platform
+any person in the crowd poses you with an awkward question, should you
+be able rapidly to transfer your eyeglass from your right eye to your
+left, and fix the obtruder with a stony stare, he is so much engaged
+in wondering whether you can keep the glass in position, that he
+forgets what he asked you, and you can pass on to less dangerous
+topics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. SCHOMBERG McDONNELL informed his chief that Lord RANDOLPH
+CHURCHILL had "come upon eight lions," Lord SALISBURY sighed and
+remained for a moment in deep thought. Then he said, "How different
+had the eight lions come upon him!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE has backed himself to walk a mile, talk a mile, write a
+mile, review a mile, disestablish a mile, chop a mile and hop a mile
+in one hour. Sporting circles are much interested in the veteran
+statesman's undertaking, and little else is talked about at the chief
+West End resorts. The general opinion of those who ought to know seems
+to be in favour of the scythe-bearer, but not a few have invested a
+pound or two on the Mid-Lothian Marvel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRUE LITERARY EXCLUSIVENESS.
+
+"_WHAT_, MY DEAR REGINALD! YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU DON'T ADMIRE
+BYRON AS A POET?"
+
+"CERTAINLY NOT. INDEED I HAVE A QUITE SPECIAL LOATHING AND CONTEMPT
+FOR HIM IN THAT PARTICULAR CHARACTAH!"
+
+"DEAR ME! WHY, WHAT PARTICULAR POEMS OF HIS DO YOU OBJECT TO SO
+STRONGLY?"
+
+"MY DEAH GRANDMOTHAH, I NEVAH READ A LINE OF BYRON IN MY LIFE,--AND I
+CERTAINLY NEVAH MEAN TO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRYING IT ON.
+
+    ["The natural result of a _rapprochement_ between Russia and
+    Italy, even if avowedly platonic in its character, would be
+    to weaken the prestige and moral force of the Triple
+    Alliance."--_The Times_.]
+
+_Mr. Bruin loquitur_:--
+
+  _Pst!_ Hang it, quite _au mieux!_ Now what am I to do?
+    I must draw her attention, if I'm going to have a chance.
+  She seems so satisfied with those gallants at her side
+    That just now in my direction she will hardly deign a glance.
+      _Pst!_ Darling, just a word!
+  No! Deaf as any post! It is perfectly absurd!
+
+  _Pst!_ Heeds me not the least, just as though I were the Beast,
+    And she the sovereign Beauty that she deems she is, no doubt.
+  Since she won those burly _beaux_, it appears to be no go,
+    But Bruin's an old Masher, and he knows what he's about.
+      _Pst!_ Darling, look this way!
+  In your pretty little ear I've a word or two to say!
+
+  The coy Gallic girl I've won. It is really awful fun,
+    For _her_ prejudice was strong as was that of Lady ANNE
+  To the ugly crookback, DICK. But my wooing there was quick.
+    Platonic? Oh! of course. That is always Bruin's plan.
+      A flirtation means no harm,
+  When you wish not to corrupt or betray, but simply charm.
+
+  Fancy Italian girl won by the swagger twirl
+    Of an Austrian moustache! It is monstrous, nothing less.
+  What _would_ GARIBALDI say? Well, he doesn't live to-day,
+    Or he'd tear her from the arm of her ancient foe, I guess.
+      And that stalwart Teuton too!
+  Do you really think, my girl, he can really care for _you_?
+
+  Ah! you always were a flirt, Miss ITALIA. You have hurt
+    France's feelings very much. Why, she stood your faithful friend
+  When the hated Austrian yoke bowed your neck. Did you invoke
+    The pompous Prussian then your captivity to end?
+      _Pst!_ Just a moment, dear.
+  I've a word or two to say it were worth your while to hear.
+
+  Ah! A hasty glance she throws o'er her shoulder. But for those
+    Big, blonde, burly bullies twain, I could win her, I am sure;
+  For my manners all girls praise, and I have such winning ways,
+    And my lips, for kisses made, are for love a lasting lure.
+      _Pst!_ How those two stride on,
+  Without a glance at me! Do they think the game is won?
+
+  Hrumph! The Bear, although polite, is as pertinacious, quite,
+    As the tactless Teuton pig. I'll yet spoil their little game.
+  Triple Alliance? Fudge! If that girl is a good judge,
+    She will make a third with Me and my latest Gallic "flame."
+      _Pst!_ Come along with me,
+  My dark Italian _belle_! We shall make a lovely Three!
+
+[_Left making signs._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ACCI-DENTAL QUERY.--Let me ask the _Patres Conscripti_ of our Academy
+Royal, why Dentists are not admitted A.R.A. _ex officio_. We have all
+for ever so long, since the memory of the oldest JOE MILLER, which
+runneth not to the contrary, known that Dentists drew teeth. But they
+nowadays add to their accomplishments by painting gums. The other day
+a friend of ours had a gum beautifully painted by a Dentist-artist
+in a certain Welbeck Street studio. It was a wonderful gathering; our
+friend in the chair.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLD JOE AND THE NEW.
+
+  To the humorous mind of a cynical cast,
+    Party change many matters for mirth affords;
+  But of all the big jokes, we've the biggest at last,
+    In CHAMBERLAIN's backing the House of Lords!
+  They toil not, nor spin? That's a very old jeer!
+  _Won't_ the Lilies take back seats when JOE is a Peer?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRYING IT ON!
+
+RUSSIA. "SS--S--T! (_Whispers._) I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU, MY DEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LISTEN TO MY TALE OF WOA!"
+
+(_Not much Gaiety about it._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MY LORD ADDINGTON.
+
+    [Lord ADDINGTON, speaking recently at a Harvest Festival,
+    said, "If he were a labourer, and saw a rabbit nibbling his
+    cabbages, he would go for that rabbit with the first thing at
+    hand." (_Enthusiastic cheers._)--_Daily News_.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Lord ADDINGTON, most wonderful
+    Of people-pleasing peers,
+  You certainly contrived to raise
+    "Enthusiastic cheers."
+
+  The villagers come flocking in
+    From all the country through,
+  To hear Your Lordship speak his mind
+    And tell them what to do.
+
+  You did it well, you told them how
+    You'd have them understand
+  A lucky chance has made you own
+    A quantity of land.
+
+  Though very fond of shooting, yet
+    Your love of shooting stops
+  At letting rabbits have their way
+    At decimating crops.
+
+  And so, if you a labourer were,
+    (The which of course you're not),
+  And saw a rabbit in your ground
+    A-nibbling--on the spot
+
+  You'd go for him with spade or fork,
+    At which, so it appears,
+  There rang throughout the crowded room
+    "Enthusiastic cheers."
+
+  A Peer's advice is always good,
+    So doubtless they will grab it,--
+  _But_ no one will be happier than
+    The cabbage-nibbling rabbit!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE STRANGER.
+
+    ["At the meeting of the Bermondsey Vestry, the Medical Officer
+    reported that water drawn from the service-pipe of a house
+    in the Jamaica Road, had been submitted to him. The water was
+    clear, but it contained a live horse-leech."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+  Oh, into our domestic pipes
+    They crawl and creep by stealth,
+  The gruesome creatures known unto
+    An Officer of Health!
+  Harken to him of Bermondsey,
+    Think what his murmurings teach,
+  "The water seemed quite limpid, _but_--
+    It did contain a Leech!"
+
+  The service-pipe was sound and good
+    In the Jamaica Road;
+  The cistern there had harboured ne'er
+    Microbe, or newt, or toad;
+  No clearer water softly laved
+    A coral island beach;
+  So thought the householder, until--
+    He found that awful Leech!
+
+  Perchance he was a temperance foe
+    To alcoholic drink,
+  And from all dalliance with Bung
+    Did scrupulously shrink.
+  Yet now to forms of fluid sin
+    He'll cotton, all and each;
+  He does not like such liquors, _but_--
+    Prefers them to a Leech!
+
+  Our pipes will not be pipes of peace
+    If such things hap, I trow;
+  And as for Water Trusts, 'tis hard
+    To trust in water now.
+  Oh, Co. of Southwark and Vauxhall,
+    We ratepayers beseech,
+  Double your filtering charges, _but_--
+    Remove the loathly Leech!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is a judicial review of GEORGE MEREDITH's work in the
+_Quarterly_ for October--masterly, too, quoth the Baron, as striking
+a balance between effect and defect, and finding so much to be duly
+said in high praise of the diffuse and picturesquely-circumnavigating
+Novelist through whose labyrinthine pages the simple Baron finds it
+hard to thread his way, and yet keep the clue. When the unskippingly
+conscientious peruser of GEORGE M.'s novels is most desirous that the
+author shall go ahead, GEORGE, like an Irish cardriver, will stop to
+"discoorse us," and at such length, and so diffusely, and with such a
+wealth of eccentric word-coming and grammar-dodging, that at last the
+Baron gasps, choked by the rolling billows of sonorously booming or
+boomingly sonorous words, battles with the waves, ducks, and comes
+up again breathlessly, wondering where he may be, and what it was
+all about. "Story! God bless you, I haven't much to tell, Sir!" says
+the luxuriantly fanciful novel-grinder. And he hasn't much, it must
+be owned, for essenced it would go into half a volume, or less, and
+all over and above is pot-fuls of rich colour, spilt about almost at
+haphazard, permutations and combinations, giving the effect of genius.
+Which--genius it is; but a little of it goes a great way, in fact, a
+very great way, wandering and straying until at length the Baron calls
+for his _Richard Feverel_, and says, "This is the best that GEORGE
+MEREDITH has written, as sure as my name is
+
+"THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BARD V. BARD.
+
+  There was a poor Poet named CLOUGH,
+  Poet SWINBURNE declares he wrote stuff.
+      Ah, well, _he_ is dead!
+      'Tis the living are fed,
+  By log-rollers, on butter and puff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUGGESTION.--In a new poetical play at the Opera Comique there is a
+good deal of hide-and-seek. It might have had a second title, and been
+appropriately called _The Queen's Room; or, Secret Passages in the
+Life of Mary Stuart_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STREET IMPROVEMENTS.
+
+["If we really used the Thames Embankment sensibly and liberally,
+it would abound with handsome shops and cheerful cafes a
+and volksgartens, with newspaper kiosks and long lines of
+bookstalls."--_Daily Telegraph_, Oct. 21.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLENDIMUS!
+
+"Water, water everywhere" in the _Times_ recently, except when Messrs.
+GILBEY wrote their annual, and this time hopeful, account of the
+Claret vintage, and when subsequently Messrs. "P. and G."--(who on
+earth are "P. and G."?)--with a few modest lines at the foot of a
+page, last Wednesday, enlivened our drooping spirits with a brief but
+satisfactory account of Champagne Prospects. If the vintages of '86
+and '87 are good, and those of '90 and '91 poor, why not make a blend?
+and why not sell it as such? Let "P. and G."--[confound it! who on
+earth can P. and G. be? "P. and J." would be "Punch and Judy"--and,
+by the way, in the choice _Lingua Tuscana_, "P. and G." would stand
+for "_Poncio e Giulia_." But, on the other hand, who, unauthorised,
+would dare to use this signature? No matter--where were we?--ah!--to
+resume.] Let "P. and G.," whoe'er they be--which is rhyme, though not
+so intended--(but why this masquerade in initials?)--let them exploit
+a "Blend of '90-cum-'86 and '91-cum-'87," sell it as such--viz., The
+"P. and G. Blend," or "The Punchius and Giulia Blend"--at a reasonable
+figure, and thus the Not-quite-up-to-the-mark vintages will be saved.
+Have we not seen in City partnerships how a strong house saves a
+failing one, and then the Blends go on successfully? Let "P. and G."
+give us a first-rate Champagne, call it, say, The "G.B.," or "Golden
+Blend," at a reasonable price, and, to drop once again into poetry, No
+matter what their name may be, We'll ever bless our P. and G.![2]
+
+[Footnote 2: "P. and G." might stand for "Pay-for-it and Get-it," or
+"Pour-it and Guzzle-it." A Correspondent has suggested that solution
+of the initial problem might possibly be found in the names of Pommery
+and Gre'--No! So common-place a suggestion is evidently, and on the
+face of it, absurd. Not in this spirit did the Pickwick Club treat the
+celebrated inscription on the stone that so puzzled the antiquarians.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPORT!
+
+_Cockney Sportsman_ (_eager, but disappointed_). "I SAY, MY BOY, SEEN
+ANY BIRDS THIS WAY?"
+
+'_Cute Rustic (likewise anxious to make a bag)._ "OH, A RARE LOT,
+GUV'NOR--A RARE LOT--JUST FLEW OVER THIS 'ERE 'EDGE, AND SETTLED IN
+THAT 'ERE FIELD, CLOSE TO SQUIRE BLANK'S RICKS."
+
+[_Grateful Cockney Sportsman tips boy a shilling, and goes hopefully
+after ... a flock of Starlings!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAUGHT BY THE CLASSICS.
+
+(_THE RECORD OF A RUINED LIFE._)
+
+AUGUSTUS SPARKLER was an exceptionally brilliant man. At school he
+had done marvellously well, and if he did not distinguish himself at
+either of the Universities, it was less his fault than his misfortune.
+When he entered the world, after casting off parental control, he
+took up Medicine. He was a great success. He rose by leaps and bounds,
+until at length it was thought highly probable that he would be
+elected President of the Royal College of Physicians. He was sounded
+upon the subject, and a question was put to him.
+
+"No," he replied, sorrowfully, and then the courteous Secretary
+informed him, with tears in his voice, that he feared he was
+disqualified.
+
+"Well, I will enter the Navy."
+
+He did. He passed through the _Britannia_, and rose by leaps and
+bounds, until it was considered desirable to revive the post of Lord
+High Admiral for his acceptance. But before this was done, he was
+sounded upon the subject, and asked a question.
+
+"No," he again answered, regretfully.
+
+"I am afraid then, that the scheme must be abandoned," returned the
+First Civil Lord (he had been chosen as more polite than his sea
+colleagues), and he was almost moved to tears in his sadness.
+
+"I will enter the Army," cried AUGUSTUS, with determination.
+
+And he did. He rose from the ranks in less than no time to become a
+Field Marshal. It was then that a certain Illustrious Personage asked
+him if he would like to become Commander-in-Chief.
+
+"It is not impossible I might resign in your favour," said the I.P.
+And then he asked him the necessary question.
+
+"No, Sir," returned AUGUSTUS, bowing down his head in shame. Again he
+found that his career was interrupted.
+
+"I will try the Bar," he shouted.
+
+And he did. He entered at Gray's Inn, and in a very short time became
+a Q.C., a Judge, and a Lord Justice. Then the entire Ministry begged
+him, as a personal favour, to accept the post of Lord Chancellor.
+
+"With pleasure," was his modest rejoinder. Then he remembered that he
+had been asked a certain question on previous occasions, and explained
+matters.
+
+"I am afraid you won't do," cried the entire Ministry, mournfully.
+
+"Well, then, I will try the Church."
+
+And he tried the Church. He became an eminent divine. Every one spoke
+well of him; and when, in due course, the Primacy of all England was
+vacant, he was asked to accept it. Again he explained matters.
+
+"No!" shouted all the Deans and Chapters.
+
+"You can't mean it!" cried the entire body of Archdeacons.
+
+"Well, I never!" exclaimed every other ecclesiastical authority.
+But it could not be, and the disappointment was too much for poor
+AUGUSTUS, and he died of grief.
+
+And so they put on the tombstone, that he would have been
+President of the Royal College of Physicians, Lord High Admiral,
+Commander-in-Chief, Lord Chancellor, and Archbishop of Canterbury,
+if--_he had only learned Greek!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.
+
+NO. V.--TO GUSH.
+
+MY DEAREST DARLING PERSON,
+
+How sweet and amiable of you to allow a humble being like myself to
+write to you. Dropping your own special style (which, to be perfectly
+frank with you, I could no more continue through the whole of this
+letter than I could dine off treacle and butter-scotch), I beg to say
+that I am heartily glad to have this opportunity of telling you a few
+things which have been on my mind for a long time. In what corner of
+the great realm of abstractions do you make your home? I imagine you
+whiling away the hours on some soft couch of imitation down, with a
+little army of sweet but irrelevant smiles ready at all times to do
+your bidding. You are refined, I am sure. You cultivate sympathy as
+some men cultivate orchids, until it blooms and luxuriates in the
+strangest and gaudiest shapes. Your real face is known of no other
+abstraction; indeed, you never see it yourself, so well-fitted and so
+constant is the mask through which you waft the endearments which have
+caused you to be avoided everywhere. This, I admit, is imagination;
+but is it very far from the truth? Perhaps I ask in vain, for truth
+is the very last thing that may be expected of you and of those who
+do your bidding upon earth. I will not, therefore, press the question,
+but proceed at once to business.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+About a month ago I met your friend, ALGERNON JESSAMY. What is there
+about ALGERNON that inspires such distrust? He is very presentable;
+some people have gone so far as to call him absolutely good-looking.
+He is tall, his figure is good, his clothes fit him admirably, and are
+always speckless; his features are regular, his complexion fresh, and
+his fair hair, carefully parted in the middle, lies like a smooth and
+shining lid upon his head. I pass over all his remaining advantages,
+whether of dress or of nature. It is enough to say that, thus
+equipped, and with the additional merits of wealth and a good
+position, ALGERNON ought to have found no difficulty in being one of
+the most popular men in town. Perhaps he would have been if he had
+not tried with such a persistent energy to make himself "so deuced
+agreeable." The phrase is not mine, but that of SAMMY MIGGS, who has
+a contempt for ALGERNON and his methods, which he never attempts to
+conceal.
+
+"ALGY, my boy," I have heard him say, while the unfortunate JESSAMY
+smiled uneasily, and shifted on his seat, "ALGY, my boy, I've known
+you too long to give in to any of your nonsense. All that butter of
+yours is wasted here, so you'd better keep it for someone who likes
+it. Try it on QUISBY," he continued, indicating the celebrated actor,
+who was at that moment frowning furiously over a notice of his latest
+performance; "he loves it in firkins, and I'll undertake to say you'll
+never get to the bottom of his swallowing capacity. You'll have to
+exhaust even your stock, ALGY, my boy; and that's saying a lot."
+
+So thoroughly uncomfortable did the suave and gentle ALGERNON look,
+that I afterwards ventured to remonstrate mildly with the gadfly
+MIGGS.
+
+"What?" he said, "made him uncomfortable, did I? And a jolly good job
+too. Bless you, I know the beggar through and through. I wasn't at
+Oxford with him for nothing. Wish I had been. He's the sort of chap
+who loses no end of I.O.U.'s at cards one night, and when he wins
+piles of ready the next never offers to redeem them. You let me
+alone about ALGY. I tell you I know him. There's no bigger humbug in
+Christendom with all his soft sawder and gas about everybody being the
+dearest and cleverest fellow he's ever met. Bah!"
+
+And therewith SAMMY left me, evidently smarting under some ancient
+sore inflicted by the apparently angelic ALGERNON.
+
+However, this little incident was not the one I intended to narrate.
+I met ALGY, as I said, about a month ago. It was in Piccadilly. At
+first, as I approached, I thought he did not see me, but suddenly
+he seemed to become aware of my presence. An electric thrill of joy
+ran through him, a smile of heavenly welcome irradiated his face, he
+darted towards me with both hands stretched out and almost fell round
+my neck before all the astonished cabmen.
+
+"My dear, dear fellow," he gasped, apparently struggling hard with an
+overpowering emotion, "this is almost too much. To think that I should
+meet the one man of all others whom I have been literally longing to
+see. Now you simply must walk with me for a bit. I can't afford to let
+you go without having a good talk with you. It always refreshes me so
+to hear your opinions of men and things."
+
+Ignoring my assurance that I had an important appointment to keep,
+he linked his arm closely in mine and dragged me with him in the
+direction from which I had come. How he pattered and chattered
+and flattered. He daubed me over with flattery as I have seen
+bill-stickers brush a hoarding over with paste. Never in my life had
+I felt so small, so mean and such a perfect fool, for though I own
+I have no objection to an occasional lollipop of praise, I must say
+I loathe it in lumps the size of a jelly-fish. Yet such is the fare
+on which JESSAMY compels me to subsist. And the annoying part of
+it was that every lump which he crammed down my throat contained
+an inferential compliment to himself, which I was forced either
+to accept, or in declining it to appear a churl. I was never more
+churlish, never less satisfied with myself. Amongst other things we
+spoke of the affairs of "The Dustheap," a little Club of which we were
+both members. JESSAMY opined it was going to the dogs. "Just look,"
+he said, "at the men they've got on the Committee; mere nobodies. I've
+always wondered why you are not on it. Men like you and me wouldn't
+make the ridiculous mistakes the present lot are constantly making.
+Fancy their electing MUMPLEY, a regular outsider, without enough
+manners for a school-boy. I really don't care about being in the
+same room with him." At this very moment, by one of those curious
+coincidences which invariably happen, the abused MUMPLEY himself, a
+wealthy but otherwise inoffensive stockbroker, hove in sight. "There
+comes the brute himself," said JESSAMY; and in another moment his arms
+were round MUMPLEY's neck, and he was protesting, with all the fervour
+of a heartfelt conviction, that MUMPLEY was the one man of all others
+for whom his heart had been yearning. That being so, I left them
+together, and departed to my business.
+
+Now does JESSAMY imagine that that kind of thing makes him a
+favourite? It must be admitted that he is not very artistic in his
+methods; and I fancy he must sometimes perceive, if I may use a
+homely phrase, that he doesn't go down. But the poor beggar can't
+help himself. He is driven by a force which he finds it impossible
+to resist into the cruel snares that are spread for the over-amiable.
+You, my dear GUSH, are that force, and to you, therefore, the sugary
+JESSAMY owes his failure to win the appreciation which he courts so
+ardently.
+
+And now I think I have relieved my mind of a sufficient load for the
+time being. If I can remember anything else that might interest you,
+you may count upon me to address you again. Permit me in the meantime
+to subscribe myself with all proper curtness,
+
+Yours. &c. DIOGENES ROBINSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE PRODIGY SON."
+
+[Illustration: Much put out.]
+
+Sir,--I have not seen _Pamela's Prodigy_, but I have just read the
+criticism in the _Times_, which says of it, "It must be regarded
+either as a boyish effusion or a sorry joke." The criticism
+then points out how it lacks "wit, humour, literary skill," and
+apparently is wanting in everything that goes to make a successful
+play,--everything that is, except the actors. Mrs. JOHN WOOD was in
+it: she is a host in herself: not only a host, but the Manageress of
+the theatre who, with her partner in the business, is responsible for
+the selection of pieces. Now granting the critic to be right--and,
+on referring to others, I find a _consensus_ of opinion backing him
+up--at whose door lies the responsibility of having deliberately
+selected a failure? Under what compulsion could so clever and
+experienced an autocrat, sharp as a needle and with the "heye of an
+'awk" in theatrical matters, as Mrs. JOHN WOOD, have made so fatal a
+mistake--that is, if the critics are right, and if it be a mistake?
+"_To err, is human_"--and, including even Mrs. JOHN WOOD, and the
+critics, we are all human,--"_To forgive, divine_"--the critics
+not being divine could not forgive; the public apparently, did
+forgive--and, will, of course, forget. 'Tis all very well to fall
+foul of the unhappy author--whom we will not name--_after_ the event;
+but why was the piece ever chosen, and why was not the discovery of
+its unfitness made during rehearsal? No! "as long as the world goes
+round" these things will happen in the best regulated theatres, and
+experience is apparently no sort of guide in such matters.--Yours
+faithfully,
+
+"NOT THERE, NOT THERE, MY CHILD!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Volume
+101, October 31, 1891, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 15442.txt or 15442.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/1/5/4/4/15442/
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team.
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
diff --git a/15442.zip b/15442.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..61ad753
--- /dev/null
+++ b/15442.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..098525e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #15442 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/15442)