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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18515-8.txt b/18515-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..200ea56 --- /dev/null +++ b/18515-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7068 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. Chambers + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Police!!! + +Author: Robert W. Chambers + +Illustrator: Henry Hutt + +Release Date: June 6, 2006 [EBook #18515] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLICE!!! *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and +alert."] + + + + + POLICE!!! + + BY ROBERT W. CHAMBERS + + ILLUSTRATED BY HENRY HUTT + + NEW YORK AND LONDON + D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + 1915 + + + + +TO LOUISE JOCELYN + + + + + All the pretty things you say, + All the pretty things you do + In your own delightful way + Make me fall in love with you, + Turning Autumn into May. + + Every day is twice as gay + Just because of you, Louise! + Which is going some, you say? + In my dull, pedantic way + I am fashioning my lay + Just because I want to please. + + Just because the things you say, + Just because the things you do + In your clever, charming way + Make me fall in love with you. + That is all, my dear, to-day. + +R.W.C. + +_Christmas, 1915._ + + + + +FOREWORD + + + Give me no gold nor palaces + Nor quarts of gems in chalices + Nor mention me in Who is Who + I'd rather roam abroad with you + Investigating sky and land, + Volcanoes, lakes, and glacial sand + I'd rather climb with all my legs + To find a nest of speckled eggs, + Or watch the spotted spider spin + Or see a serpent shed its skin! + Give me no star-and-garter blue! + I'd rather roam around with you. + + Flatten me not with flattery! + Walk with me to the Battery, + And see in glassy tanks the seals, + The sturgeons, flounders, smelt and eels + Disport themselves in ichthyic curves-- + And when it gets upon our nerves + Then, while our wabbling taxi honks + I'll tell you all about the Bronx, + Where captive wild things mope and stare + Through grills of steel that bar each lair + Doomed to imprisonment for life-- + And you may go and take your wife. + + Come to the Park[1] with me; + I'll show you crass stupidity + Which sentences the hawk and fox + To inactivity, and locks + The door of freedom on the lynx + Where puma pines and eagle stinks. + Never a slaver's fetid hold + Has held the misery untold + That crowds the great cats' kennels where + Their vacant eyes glare blank despair + Half crazed by sloth, half dazed by fear + All day, all night, year after year. + + To the swift, clean things that cleave the air + To the swift, clean things that cleave the sea + To the swift, clean things that brave and dare + Forest and peak and prairie free, + A cage to craze and stifle and stun + And a fat man feeding a penny bun + And a she-one giggling, "Ain't it grand!" + As she drags a dirty-nosed brat by the hand. + + +[Footnote 1: Central Park, filthiest, cruellest and most outrageous of +zoological exhibitions.] + + + + +PREFACE + + +On a beautiful day in spring as I was running as hard as I could run +pursued by the New York police and a number of excited citizens, my mind, +which becomes brilliantly active under physical exhilaration, began to +work busily. + +I thought about all sorts of things: I thought about hard times and +financial depression and about our great President who is in a class +all alone with himself and soon to become extinct; I thought about +art and why there isn't any when it's talked about; I thought of +macro-lepidoptera, of metagrammatism, monoliths, manicures, and monsoons. + +And all the time I was running as fast as I could run; and the faster I +ran the more things I thought about until my terrific pace set my brain +whizzing like a wheel. + +I felt no remorse at having published these memoirs of my life--which was +why the police and populace were pursuing me, maddened to frenzy by the +fearless revelation of mighty scientific truths in this little volume you +are about to attempt to read. _Ubicumque ars ostentatur, veritas abesse +videtur!_ + +I thought about it clearly, calmly, concisely as I fled. The maddened +shouts of the prejudiced populace did not disturb me. Around and around +the Metropolitan Museum of Art I ran; the inmates of that institution +came out to watch me and they knew at a glance that I was one of them for +they set up a clamor like a bunch of decoy ducks when one of their wild +comrades comes whirling by. + +"Police! Police!" they shouted; but I went careering on uptown, afraid +only that the park squirrels might club together to corner me. There are +corners in grain. Why not in--but let that pass. + +I took the park wall in front of the great Mr. Carnegie's cottage at a +single bound. He stood on his terrace and shouted, "Police!" He was quite +logical. + +The Equal Franchise Society was having a May party in the park near the +Harlem Mere. They had chosen the Honorable William Jennings Bryan as +Queen of the May. He wore low congress-gaiters and white socks; he was +walking under a canopy, crowned with paper flowers, his hair curled over +his coat collar, the tips of his fingers were suavely joined over his +abdomen. + +The moment he caught sight of me he shouted, "Police!" + +He was right. The cabinet lacked only me. + +And I might have consented to tarry--might have allowed myself to be +apprehended for political purposes, had not a nobler, holier, more +imperative duty urged me northward still. + +Though all Bloomingdale shouted, "Stop him!" and all Matteawan yelled, +"Police!" I should not have consented to pause. Even the quackitudinous +recognition spontaneously offered by the Metropolitan Museum had not been +sufficient to decoy me to my fellows. + +I knew, of course, that I could find a sanctuary and a welcome in many +places--in almost any sectarian edifice, any club, any newspaper office, +any of the great publishers', any school, any museum; I knew that I would +be welcomed at Columbia University, at the annex to the Hall of Fame, in +the Bishop's Palace on Morningside Heights--there were many places all +ready to receive, understand and honour me. + +For a sufficiently crippled intellect, for a still-born brain, for the +intellectually aborted, there is always a place on some editorial, +sectarian, or educational staff. + +Try It! + +But I had other ideas as I galloped northward. The voiceless summons of +the most jealous of mistresses was making siren music in my ears. That +coquettish jade, Science, was calling me by wireless, and I was +responding with both legs. + +And so, at last, I arrived at the Bronx Park and dashed into the +Administration Building where everybody rose and cheered me to the echo. + +I was at home at last, unterrified, undismayed, and ready again as always +to dedicate my life to the service of Truth and to every caprice and whim +of my immortal mistress, Science. But I don't want to marry her. + +_Magna est veritas! Sed major et longinquo reverentia._ + + + + +CONTENTS + +The Third Eye + +The Immortal + +The Ladies of the Lake + +One Over + +Un Peu d'Amour + +The Eggs of the Silver Moon + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +"Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and alert" + +"Climbing about among the mangroves above the water" + +"To see him feed made me sick" + +"'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He's one of them! Knock him flat with your +riflestock!'" + +"Say, listen, Bo--I mean Prof., I've got the goods'" + +"He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the music might lure +a cave-girl down the hill" + +"Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs" + +"I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one" + +"The heavy artillery was evidently frightened" + +"Somebody had swooned in his arms, too" + +"'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death it will be murder'" + +"Then a horrible thing occurred" + +"I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her" + +"Out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_" + +"Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record the scientific +triumph of the ages" + +"'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked" + +"Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce leaves" + +"'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. Smith!'" + +"Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage" + +"'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe" + +"'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked" + +"This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those leaves'" + + + + +POLICE!!! + + + + +Being a few deathless truths concerning several mysteries recently and +scientifically unravelled by a modest servant of Science. + +_Quo quisque stultior, eo magis insolescit._ + + + + +THE THIRD EYE + + +Although the man's back was turned toward me, I was uncomfortably +conscious that he was watching me. How he could possibly be watching +me while I stood directly behind him, I did not ask myself; yet, +nevertheless, instinct warned me that I was being inspected; that +somehow or other the man was staring at me as steadily as though he and +I had been face to face and his faded, sea-green eyes were focussed upon +me. + +It was an odd sensation which persisted in spite of logic, and of which +I could not rid myself. Yet the little waitress did not seem to share it. +Perhaps she was not under his glassy inspection. But then, of course, I +could not be either. + +No doubt the nervous tension incident to the expedition was making me +supersensitive and even morbid. + +Our sail-boat rode the shallow torquoise-tinted waters at anchor, rocking +gently just off the snowy coral reef on which we were now camping. The +youthful waitress who, for economy's sake, wore her cap, apron, collar +and cuffs over her dainty print dress, was seated by the signal fire +writing in her diary. Sometimes she thoughtfully touched her pencil point +with the tip of her tongue; sometimes she replenished the fire from a +pile of dead mangrove branches heaped up on the coral reef beside her. +Whatever she did she accomplished gracefully. + +As for the man, Grue, his back remained turned toward us both and he +continued, apparently, to scan the horizon for the sail which we all +expected. And all the time I could not rid myself of the unpleasant idea +that somehow or other he was looking at me, watching attentively the +expression of my features and noting my every movement. + +The smoke of our fire blew wide across leagues of shallow, sparkling +water, or, when the wind veered, whirled back into our faces across the +reef, curling and eddying among the standing mangroves like fog drifting. + +Seated there near the fire, from time to time I swept the horizon with my +marine glasses; but there was no sign of Kemper; no sail broke the far +sweep of sky and water; nothing moved out there save when a wild duck +took wing amid the dark raft of its companions to circle low above the +ocean and settle at random, invisible again except when, at intervals, +its white breast flashed in the sunshine. + +Meanwhile the waitress had ceased to write in her diary and now sat with +the closed book on her knees and her pencil resting against her lips, +gazing thoughtfuly at the back of Grue's head. + +It was a ratty head of straight black hair, and looked greasy. The rest +of him struck me as equally unkempt and dingy--a youngish man, lean, +deeply bitten by the sun of the semi-tropics to a mahogany hue, and +unusually hairy. + +I don't mind a brawny, hairy man, but the hair on Grue's arms and chest +was a rusty red, and like a chimpanzee's in texture, and sometimes a +wildly absurd idea possessed me that the man needed it when he went about +in the palm forests without his clothes. + +But he was only a "poor white"--a "cracker" recruited from one of the +reefs near Pelican Light, where he lived alone by fishing and selling his +fish to the hotels at Heliatrope City. The sail-boat was his; he figured +as our official guide on this expedition--an expedition which already had +begun to worry me a great deal. + +For it was, perhaps, the wildest goose chase and the most absurdly +hopeless enterprise ever undertaken in the interest of science by the +Bronx Park authorities. + +Nothing is more dreaded by scientists than ridicule; and it was in spite +of this terror of ridicule that I summoned sufficient courage to organize +an exploring party and start out in search of something so extraordinary, +so hitherto unheard of, that I had not dared reveal to Kemper by letter +the object of my quest. + +No, I did not care to commit myself to writing just yet; I had merely +sent Kemper a letter to join me on Sting-ray Key. + +He telegraphed me from Tampa that he would join me at the rendezvous; and +I started directly from Bronx Park for Heliatrope City; arrived there in +three days; found the waitress all ready to start with me; inquired about +a guide and discovered the man Grue in his hut off Pelican Light; made my +bargain with him; and set sail for Sting-ray Key, the most excited and +the most nervous young man who ever had dared disaster in the sacred +cause of science. + +Everything was now at stake, my honour, reputation, career, fortune. For, +as chief of the Anthropological Field Survey Department of the great +Bronx Park Zoölogical Society, I was perfectly aware that no scientific +reputation can survive ridicule. + +Nevertheless, the die had been cast, the Rubicon crossed in a sail-boat +containing one beachcombing cracker, one hotel waitress, a pile of +camping kit and special utensils, and myself! + +How was I going to tell Kemper? How was I going to confess to him that I +was staking my reputation as an anthropologist upon a letter or two and +a personal interview with a young girl--a waitress at the Hotel Gardenia +in Heliatrope City? + + * * * * * + +I lowered my sea-glasses and glanced sideways at the waitress. She was +still chewing the end of her pencil, reflectively. + +She was a pretty girl, one Evelyn Grey, and had been a country +school-teacher in Massachusetts until her health broke. + +Florida was what she required; but that healing climate was possible to +her only if she could find there a self-supporting position. + +Also she had nourished an ambition for a postgraduate education, with +further aspirations to a Government appointment in the Smithsonian +Institute. + +All very worthy, no doubt--in fact, particularly commendable because the +wages she saved as waitress in a Florida hotel during the winter were her +only means of support while studying for college examinations during the +summer in Boston, where she lived. + +Yet, although she was an inmate of Massachusetts, her face and figure +would have ornamented any light-opera stage. I never looked at her but +I thought so; and her cuffs and apron merely accentuated the delusion. +Such ankles are seldom seen when the curtain rises after the overture. +Odd that frivolous thoughts could flit through an intellect dedicated +only to science! + +The man, Grue, had not stirred from his survey of the Atlantic Ocean. He +had a somewhat disturbing capacity for remaining motionless--like a +stealthy and predatory bird which depends on immobility for aggressive +and defensive existence. + +The sea-wind fluttered his cotton shirt and trousers and the tattered +brim of his straw hat. And always I felt as though he were watching me +out of the back of his ratty head, through the ravelled straw brim that +sagged over his neck. + +The pretty waitress had now chewed the end of her pencil to a +satisfactory pulp, and she was writing again in her diary, very intently, +so that my cautious touch on her arm seemed to startle her. + +Meeting her inquiring eyes I said in a low voice: + +"I am not sure why, but I don't seem to care very much for that man, +Grue. Do you?" + +She glanced at the water's edge, where Grue stood, immovable, his back +still turned to us. + +"I never liked him," she said under her breath. + +"Why?" I asked cautiously. + +She merely shrugged her shoulders. She did it gracefully. + +I said: + +"Have you any particular reason for disliking him?" + +"He's dirty." + +"He _looks_ dirty, yet every day he goes into the sea and swims about. He +ought to be clean enough." + +She thought for a moment, then: + +"He seems, somehow, to be fundamentally unclean--I don't mean that he +doesn't wash himself. But there are certain sorts of animals and birds +and other creatures from which one instinctively shrinks--not, perhaps, +because they are materially unclean--" + +"I understand," I said. After a silence I added: "Well, there's no chance +now of sending him back, even if I were inclined to do so. He appears to +be familiar with these latitudes. I don't suppose we could find a better +man for our purpose. Do you?" + +"No. He was a sponge fisher once, I believe." + +"Did he tell you so?" + +"No. But yesterday, when you took the boat and cruised to the south, I +sat writing here and keeping up the fire. And I saw Grue climbing about +among the mangroves over the water in a most uncanny way; and two +snake-birds sat watching him, and they never moved. + +"He didn't seem to see them; his back was toward them. And then, all at +once, he leaped backward at them where they sat on a mangrove, and he got +one of them by the neck--" + +[Illustration: "Climbing about among the mangroves above the +water."] + +"What!" + +The girl nodded. + +"By the neck," she repeated, "and down they went into the water. And what +do you suppose happened?" + +"I can't imagine," said I with a grimace. + +"Well, Grue went under, still clutching the squirming, flapping bird; and +he _stayed_ under." + +"Stayed under the _water_?" + +"Yes, longer than any sponge diver I ever heard of. And I was becoming +frightened when the bloody bubbles and feathers began to come up--" + +"_What_ was he doing under water?" + +"He must have been tearing the bird to pieces. Oh, it was quite +unpleasant, I assure you, Mr. Smith. And when he came up and looked +at me out of those very vitreous eyes he resembled something horridly +amphibious.... And I felt rather sick and dizzy." + +"He's got to stop that sort of thing!" I said angrily. "Snake-birds are +harmless and I won't have him killing them in that barbarous fashion. +I've warned him already to let birds alone. I don't know how he catches +them or why he kills them. But he seems to have a mania for doing it--" + +I was interrupted by Grue's soft and rather pleasant voice from the +water's edge, announcing a sail on the horizon. He did not turn when +speaking. + +The next moment I made out the sail and focussed my glasses on it. + +"It's Professor Kemper," I announced presently. + +"I'm so glad," remarked Evelyn Grey. + +I don't know why it should have suddenly occurred to me, apropos of +nothing, that Billy Kemper was unusually handsome. Or why I should +have turned and looked at the pretty waitress--except that she was, +perhaps, worth gazing upon from a purely non-scientific point of view. In +fact, to a man not entirely absorbed in scientific research and not +passionately and irrevocably wedded to his profession, her violet-blue +eyes and rather sweet mouth might have proved disturbing. + +As I was thinking about this she looked up at me and smiled. + +"It's a good thing," I thought to myself, "that I am irrevocably wedded +to my profession." And I gazed fixedly across the Atlantic Ocean. + + * * * * * + +There was scarcely sufficient breeze of a steady character to bring +Kemper to Sting-ray Key; but he got out his sweeps when I hailed him and +came in at a lively clip, anchoring alongside of our boat and leaping +ashore with that unnecessary dash and abandon which women find pleasing. + +Glancing sideways at my waitress through my spectacles, I found her +looking into a small hand mirror and patting her hair with one slim and +suntanned hand. + +When Professor Kemper landed on the coral he shot a curious look at Grue, +and then came striding across the reef to me. + +"Hello, Smithy!" he said, holding out his hand. "Here I am, you see! Now +what's up--" + +Just then Evelyn Grey got up from her seat beside the fire; and Kemper +turned and gazed at her with every symptom of unfeigned approbation. + +I introduced him. Evelyn Grey seemed a trifle indifferent. A good-looking +man doesn't last long with a clever woman. I smiled to myself, polishing +my spectacles gleefully. Yet, I had no idea why I was smiling. + +We three people turned and walked toward the comb of the reef. A solitary +palm represented the island's vegetation, except, of course, for the +water-growing mangroves. + +I asked Miss Grey to precede us and wait for us under the palm; +and she went forward in that light-footed way of hers which, to any +non-scientific man, might have been a trifle disturbing. It had no effect +upon me. Besides, I was looking at Grue, who had gone to the fire and was +evidently preparing to fry our evening meal of fish and rice. I didn't +like to have him cook, but I wasn't going to do it myself; and my pretty +waitress didn't know how to cook anything more complicated than beans. +We had no beans. + +Kemper said to me: + +"Why on earth did you bring a waitress?" + +"Not to wait on table," I replied, amused. "I'll explain her later. +Meanwhile, I merely want to say that you need not remain with this +expedition if you don't want to. It's optional with you." + +"That's a funny thing to say!" + +"No, not funny; sad. The truth is that if I fail I'll be driven into +obscurity by the ridicule of my brother scientists the world over. I had +to tell them at the Bronx what I was going after. Every man connected +with the society attempted to dissuade me, saying that the whole thing +was absurd and that my reputation would suffer if I engaged in such a +ridiculous quest. So when you hear what that girl and I are after out +here in the semi-tropics, and when you are in possession of the only +evidence I have to justify my credulity, if you want to go home, go. +Because I don't wish to risk your reputation as a scientist unless you +choose to risk it yourself." + +He regarded me curiously, then his eyes strayed toward the palm-tree +which Evelyn Grey was now approaching. + +"All right," he said briefly, "let's hear what's up." + +So we moved forward to rejoin the girl, who had already seated herself +under the tree. + +She looked very attractive in her neat cuffs, tiny cap, and pink print +gown, as we approached her. + +"Why does she dress that way?" asked Kemper, uneasily. + +"Economy. She desires to use up the habiliments of a service which there +will be no necessity for her to reënter if this expedition proves +successful." + +"Oh. But Smithy--" + +"What?" + +"Was it--moral--to bring a waitress?" + +"Perfectly," I replied sharply. "Science knows no sex!" + +"I don't understand how a waitress can be scientific," he muttered, "and +there seems to be no question about her possessing plenty of sex--" + +"If that girl's conclusions are warranted," I interrupted coldly, "she is +a most intelligent and clever person. _I_ think they are warranted. If +you don't, you may go home as soon as you like." + +I glanced at him; he was smiling at her with that strained politeness +which alters the natural expression of men in the imminence of a +conversation with a new and pretty woman. + +I often wonder what particular combination of facial muscles are brought +into play when that politely receptive expression transforms the normal +and masculine features into a fixed simper. + +When Kemper and I had seated ourselves, I calmly cut short the small talk +in which he was already indulging, and to which, I am sorry to say, my +pretty waitress was beginning to respond. I had scarcely thought it of +her--but that's neither here nor there--and I invited her to recapitulate +the circumstances which had resulted in our present foregathering here on +this strip of coral in the Atlantic Ocean. + +She did so very modestly and without embarrassment, stating the case and +reviewing the evidence so clearly and so simply that I could see how +every word she uttered was not only amazing but also convincing Kemper. + +When she had ended he asked a few questions very seriously: + +"Granted," he said, "that the pituitary gland represents what we assume +it represents, how much faith is to be placed in the testimony of a +Seminole Indian?" + +"A Seminole Indian," she replied, "has seldom or never been known to lie. +And where a whole tribe testify alike the truth of what they assert can +not be questioned." + +"How did you make them talk? They are a sullen, suspicious people, +haughty, uncommunicative, seldom even replying to an ordinary question +from a white man." + +"They consider me one of them." + +"Why?" he asked in surprise. + +"I'll tell you why. It came about through a mere accident. I was waitress +at the hotel; it happened to be my afternoon off; so I went down to the +coquina dock to study. I study in my leisure moments, because I wish to +fit myself for a college examination." + +Her charming face became serious; she picked up the hem of her apron and +continued to pleat it slowly and with precision as she talked: + +"There was a Seminole named Tiger-tail sitting there, his feet dangling +above his moored canoe, evidently waiting for the tide to turn before he +went out to spear crayfish. I merely noticed he was sitting there in the +sunshine, that's all. And then I opened my mythology book and turned to +the story of Argus, on which I was reading up. + +"And this is what happened: there was a picture of the death of Argus, +facing the printed page which I was reading--the well-known picture where +Juno is holding the head of the decapitated monster--and I had read +scarcely a dozen words in the book before the Seminole beside me leaned +over and placed his forefinger squarely upon the head of Argus. + +"'Who?' he demanded. + +"I looked around good-humoredly and was surprised at the evident +excitement of the Indian. They're not excitable, you know. + +"'That,' said I, 'is a Greek gentleman named Argus.' I suppose he thought +I meant a Minorcan, for he nodded. Then, without further comment, he +placed his finger on Juno. + +"'_Who?_' he inquired emphatically. + +"I said flippantly: 'Oh, that's only my aunt, Juno.' + +"'Aunty of you?' + +"'Yes.' + +"'She kill 'um Three-eye?' + +"Argus had been depicted with three eyes. + +"'Yes,' I said, 'my Aunt Juno had Argus killed.' + +"'Why kill 'um?' + +"'Well, Aunty needed his eyes to set in the tails of the peacocks which +drew her automobile. So when they cut off the head of Argus my aunt had +the eyes taken out; and that's a picture of how she set them into the +peacock.' + +"'Aunty of _you_?' he repeated. + +"'Certainly,' I said gravely; 'I am a direct descendant of the Goddess of +Wisdom. That's why I'm always studying when you see me down on the dock +here.' + +"_'You Seminole!_' he said emphatically. + +"'Seminole,' I repeated, puzzled. + +"'You Seminole! Aunty Seminole--_you_ Seminole!' + +"'Why, Tiger-tail?' + +"'Seminole hunt Three-eye long time--hundred, hundred year--hunt 'um +Three-eye, kill 'um Three-eye.' + +"'You say that for hundreds of years the Seminoles have hunted a creature +with three eyes?' + +"'Sure! Hunt 'um now!' + +"'_Now?_' + +"'Sure!' + +"'But, Tiger-tail, if the legends of your people tell you that the +Seminoles hunted a creature with three eyes hundreds of years ago, +certainly no such three-eyed creatures remain today?' + +"'Some.' + +"'What! Where?' + +"'Black Bayou.' + +"'Do you mean to tell me that a living creature with three eyes still +inhabits the forests of Black Bayou?' + +"'Sure. Me see 'um. Me kill 'um three-eye man.' + +"'You have killed a man who had _three eyes_?' + +"'Sure!' + +"'A man? _With three eyes?_' + +"'Sure.'" + + * * * * * + +The pretty waitress, excitedly engrossed in her story, was unconsciously +acting out the thrilling scene of her dialogue with the Indian, even +imitating his voice and gestures. And Kemper and I listened and watched +her breathlessly, fascinated by her lithe and supple grace as well as by +the astounding story she was so frankly unfolding with the consummate +artlessness of a natural actress. + +She turned her flushed face to us: + +"I made up my mind," she said, "that Tiger-tail's story was worth +investigating. It was perfectly easy for me to secure corroboration, +because that Seminole went back to his Everglade camp and told every one +of his people that I was a white Seminole because my ancestors also +hunted the three-eyed man and nobody except a Seminole could know that +such a thing as a three-eyed man existed. + +"So, the next afternoon off, I embarked in Tiger-tail's canoe and he +took me to his camp. And there I talked to his people, men and women, +questioning, listening, putting this and that together, trying to +discover some foundation for their persistent statements concerning men, +still living in the jungles of Black Bayou, who had three eyes instead +of two. + +"All told the same story; all asserted that since the time their records +ran the Seminoles had hunted and slain every three-eyed man they could +catch; and that as long as the Seminoles had lived in the Everglades the +three-eyed men had lived in the forests beyond Black Bayou." + +She paused, dramatically, cooling her cheeks in her palms and looking +from Kemper to me with eyes made starry by excitement. + +"And _what_ do you think!" she continued, under her breath. "To prove +what they said they brought for my inspection a skull. And then two more +skulls like the first one. + +"Every skull had been painted with Spanish red; the coarse black hair +still stuck to the scalps. And, behind, just over where the pituitary +gland is situated, was a hollow, bony orbit--unmistakably the socket of +a _third eye_!" + +"W-where are those skulls?" demanded Kemper, in a voice not entirely +under control. + +"They wouldn't part with one of them. I tried every possible persuasion. +On my own responsibility, and even before I communicated with Mr. +Smith--" turning toward me, "--I offered them twenty thousand dollars for +a single skull, staking my word of honour that the Bronx Museum would +pay that sum. + +"It was useless. Not only do the Seminoles refuse to part with one of +those skulls, but I have also learned that I am the first person with a +white skin who has ever even heard of their existence--so profoundly have +these red men of the Everglades guarded their secret through centuries." + +After a silence Kemper, rather pale, remarked: + +"This is a most astonishing business, Miss Grey." + +"What do you think about it?" I demanded. "Is it not worth while for us +to explore Black Bayou?" + +He nodded in a dazed sort of way, but his gaze remained riveted on the +girl. Presently he said: + +"Why does Miss Grey go?" + +She turned in surprise: + +"Why am I going? But it is _my_ discovery--_my_ contribution to science, +isn't it?" + +"Certainly!" we exclaimed warmly and in unison. And Kemper added: "I was +only thinking of the dangers and hardships. Smith and I could do the +actual work--" + +"Oh!" she cried in quick protest, "I wouldn't miss one moment of the +excitement, one pain, one pang! I _love_ it! It would simply break my +heart not to share every chance, hazard, danger of this expedition--every +atom of hope, excitement, despair, uncertainty--and the ultimate +success--the unsurpassable thrill of exultation in the final instant +of triumph!" + +She sprang to her feet in a flash of uncontrollable enthusiasm, and stood +there, aglow with courage and resolution, making a highly agreeable +picture in her apron and cuffs, the sea wind fluttering the bright +tendrils of her hair under her dainty cap. + +We got to our feet much impressed; and now absolutely convinced that +there did exist, somewhere, descendants of prehistoric men in whom the +third eye--placed in the back of the head for purposes of defensive +observation--had not become obsolete and reduced to the traces which we +know only as the pituitary body or pituitary gland. + +Kemper and I were, of course, aware that in the insect world the ocelli +served the same purpose that the degenerate pituitary body once served in +the occiput of man. + +As we three walked slowly back to the campfire, where our evening meal +was now ready, Evelyn Grey, who walked between us, told us what she +knew about the hunting of these three-eyed men by the Seminoles--how +intense was the hatred of the Indians for these people, how murderously +they behaved toward any one of them whom they could track down and catch. + +"Tiger-tail told me," she went on, "that in all probability the strange +race was nearing extinction, but that all had not yet been exterminated +because now and then, when hunting along Black Bayou, traces of living +three-eyed men were still found by him and his people. + +"No later than last week Tiger-tail himself had startled one of these +strange denizens of Black Bayou from a meal of fish; and had heard him +leap through the bushes and plunge into the water. It appears that +centuries of persecution have made these three-eyed men partly +amphibious--that is, capable of filling their lungs with air and +remaining under water almost as long as a turtle." + +"That's impossible!" said Kemper bluntly. + +"I thought so myself," she said with a smile, "until Tiger-tail told me +a little more about them. He says that they can breathe through the pores +of their skins; that their bodies are covered with a thick, silky hair, +and that when they dive they carry down with them enough air to form a +sort of skin over them, so that under water their bodies appear to be +silver-plated." + +"Good Lord!" faltered Kemper. "That is a little too much!" + +"Yet," said I, "that is exactly what air-breathing water beetles do. The +globules of air, clinging to the body-hairs, appear to silver-plate them; +and they can remain below indefinitely, breathing through spiracles. +Doubtless the skin pores of these men have taken on the character of +spiracles." + +"You know," he said in a curious, flat voice, which sounded like +the tones of a partly stupified man, "this whole business is so +grotesque--apparently so wildly absurd--that it's having a sort of +nightmare effect on me." And, dropping his voice to a whisper close to +my ear: "Good heavens!" he said. "Can you reconcile such a creature as +we are starting out to hunt, with anything living known to science?" + +"No," I replied in guarded tones. "And there are moments, Kemper, since +I have come into possession of Miss Grey's story, when I find myself +seriously doubting my own sanity." + +"I'm doubting mine, now," he whispered, "only that girl is so fresh and +wholesome and human and sane--" + +"She is a very clever girl," I said. + +"And really beautiful!" + +"She is intelligent," I remarked. There was a chill in my tone which +doubtless discouraged Kemper, for he ventured nothing further concerning +her superficially personal attractions. + +After all, if any questions of priority were to arise, the pretty +waitress was _my_ discovery. And in the scientific world it is an +inflexible rule that he who first discovers any particular specimen of +any species whatever is first entitled to describe and comment upon that +specimen without interference or unsolicited advice from anybody. + +Maybe there was in my eye something that expressed as much. For when +Kemper caught my cold gaze fixed upon him he winced and looked away like +a reproved setter dog who knew better. Which also, for the moment, put an +end to the rather gay and frivolous line of small talk which he had again +begun with the pretty waitress. + +I was exceedingly surprised at Professor William Henry Kemper, D.F. + +As we approached the campfire the loathsome odour of frying mullet +saluted my nostrils. + +Kemper, glancing at Grue, said aside to me: + +"That's an odd-looking fellow. What is he? Minorcan?" + +"Oh, just a beachcomber. I don't know what he is. He strikes me as +dirty--though he can't be so, physically. I don't like him and I don't +know why. And I wish we'd engaged somebody else to guide us." + +Toward dawn something awoke me and I sat up in my blanket under the moon. +But my leg had not been pulled. + +Kemper snored at my side. In her little dog-tent the pretty waitress +probably was fast asleep. I knew it because the string she had tied to +one of her ornamental ankles still lay across the ground convenient to my +hand. In any emergency I had only to pull it to awake her. + +A similar string, tied to my ankle, ran parallel to hers and disappeared +under the flap of her tent. This was for her to pull if she liked. She +had never yet pulled it. Nor I the other. Nevertheless I truly felt that +these humble strings were, in a subtler sense, ties that bound us +together. No wonder Kemper's behaviour had slightly irritated me. + +I looked up at the silver moon; I glanced at Kemper's unlovely bulk, +swathed in a blanket; I contemplated the dog-tent with, perhaps, that +slight trace of sentiment which a semi-tropical moon is likely to inspire +even in a jellyfish. And suddenly I remembered Grue and looked for him. + +He was accustomed to sleep in his boat, but I did not see him in either +of the boats. Here and there were a few lumpy shadows in the moonlight, +but none of them was Grue lying prone on the ground. Where the devil had +he gone? + +Cautiously I untied my ankle string, rose in my pajamas, stepped into my +slippers, and walked out through the moonlight. + +There was nothing to hide Grue, no rocks or vegetation except the +solitary palm on the back-bone of the reef. + +I walked as far as the tree and looked up into the arching fronds. Nobody +was up there. I could see the moonlit sky through the fronds. Nor was +Grue lying asleep anywhere on the other side of the coral ridge. + +And suddenly I became aware of all my latent distrust and dislike for the +man. And the vigour of my sentiments surprised me because I really had +not understood how deep and thorough my dislike had been. + +Also, his utter disappearance struck me as uncanny. Both boats were +there; and there were many leagues of sea to the nearest coast. + +Troubled and puzzled I turned and walked back to the dead embers of the +fire. Kemper had merely changed the timbre of his snore to a whistling +aria, which at any other time would have enraged me. Now, somehow, it +almost comforted me. + +Seated on the shore I looked out to sea, racking my brains for an +explanation of Grue's disappearance. And while I sat there racking them, +far out on the water a little flock of ducks suddenly scattered and rose +with frightened quackings and furiously beating wings. + +For a moment I thought I saw a round, dark object on the waves where the +flock had been. + +And while I sat there watching, up out of the sea along the reef to my +right crawled a naked, dripping figure holding a dead duck in his mouth. + +Fascinated, I watched it, recognising Grue with his ratty black hair all +plastered over his face. + +Whether he caught sight of me or not, I don't know; but he suddenly +dropped the dead duck from his mouth, turned, and dived under water. + +It was a grim and horrid species of sport or pastime, this amphibious +business of his, catching wild birds and dragging them about as though +he were an animal. + +Evidently he was ashamed of himself, for he had dropped the duck. I +watched it floating by on the waves, its head under water. Suddenly +something jerked it under, a fish perhaps, for it did not come up and +float again, as far as I could see. + +When I went back to camp Grue lay apparently asleep on the north side of +the fire. I glanced at him in disgust and crawled into my tent. + +The next day Evelyn Grey awoke with a headache and kept her tent. I had +all I could do to prevent Kemper from prescribing for her. I did that +myself, sitting beside her and testing her pulse for hours at a time, +while Kemper took one of Grue's grains and went off into the mangroves +and speared grunt and eels for a chowder which he said he knew how to +concoct. + +Toward afternoon the pretty waitress felt much better, and I warned +Kemper and Grue that we should sail for Black Bayou after dinner. + + * * * * * + +Dinner was a mess, as usual, consisting of fried mullet and rice, and a +sort of chowder in which the only ingredients I recognised were sections +of crayfish. + +After we had finished and had withdrawn from the fire, Grue scraped every +remaining shred of food into a kettle and went for it. To see him feed +made me sick, so I rejoined Miss Grey and Kemper, who had found a green +cocoanut and were alternately deriving nourishment from the milk inside +it. + +[Illustration: "To see him feed made me sick."] + +Somehow or other there seemed to me a certain levity about that +performance, and it made me uncomfortable; but I managed to smile a +rather sickly smile when they offered me a draught, and I took a pull at +the milk--I don't exactly know why, because I don't like it. But the moon +was up over the sea, now, and the dusk was languorously balmy, and I +didn't care to leave those two drinking milk out of the same cocoanut +under a tropic moon. + +Not that my interest in Evelyn Grey was other than scientific. But after +all it was I who had discovered her. + +We sailed as soon as Grue, gobbling and snuffling, had cleaned up the +last crumb of food. Kemper blandly offered to take Miss Grey into his +boat, saying that he feared my boat was overcrowded, what with the +paraphernalia, the folding cages, Grue, Miss Grey, and myself. + +I sat on that suggestion, but offered to take my own tiller and lend him +Grue. He couldn't wriggle out of it, seeing that his alleged motive had +been the overcrowding of my boat, but he looked rather sick when Grue +went aboard his boat. + +As for me, I hoisted sail with something so near a chuckle that it +surprised me; and I looked at Evelyn Grey to see whether she had noticed +the unseemly symptom. + +Apparently she had not. She sat forward, her eyes fixed soulfully upon +the moon. Had I been dedicated to any profession except a scientific +one--but let that pass. + +Grue in Kemper's sail-boat led, and my boat followed out into the silvery +and purple dusk, now all sparkling under the high lustre of the moon. + +Dimly I saw vast rafts of wild duck part and swim leisurely away to port +and starboard, leaving a glittering lane of water for us to sail through; +into the scintillant night from the sea sprang mullet, silvery, +quivering, falling back into the wash with a splash. + +Here and there in the moonlight steered ominous black triangles, circling +us, leading us, sheering across bow and flashing wake, all phosphorescent +with lambent sea-fire--the fins of great sharks. + +"You need have no fear," said I to the pretty waitress. + +She said nothing. + +"Of course if you _are_ afraid," I added, "perhaps you might care to +change your seat." + +There was room in the stern where I sat. + +"Do you think there is any danger?" she asked. + +"From sharks?" + +"Yes." + +"Reaching up and biting you?" + +"Yes." + +"Oh, I don't really suppose there is," I said, managing to convey the +idea, I am ashamed to say, that the catastrophe was a possibility. + +She came over and seated herself beside me. I was very much ashamed of +myself, but I could not repress a triumphant glance ahead at the other +boat, where Kemper sat huddled forward, evidently bored to extinction. + +Every now and then I could see him turn and crane his neck as though in +an effort to distinguish what was going on in our boat. + +There was nothing going on, absolutely nothing. The moon was magnificent; +and I think the pretty waitress must have been a little tired, for her +head drooped and nodded at moments, even while I was talking to her about +a specimen of _Euplectilla speciosa_ on which I had written a monograph. +So she must have been really tired, for the subject was interesting. + +"You won't incommode my operations with sheet and tiller," I said to her +kindly, "if you care to rest your head against my shoulder." + +Evidently she was very tired, for she did so, and closed her eyes. + +After a while, fearing that she might fall over backward into the +sea--but let that pass.... I don't know whether or not Kemper could +distinguish anything aboard our boat. He craned his head enough to twist +it off his neck. + +To be so utterly, so blindly devoted to science is a great safeguard for +a man. Single-mindedness, however, need not induce atrophy of every +humane impulse. I drew the pretty waitress closer--not that the night was +cold, but it might become so. Changes in the tropics come swiftly. It is +well to be prepared. + +Her cheek felt very soft against my shoulder. There seemed to be a faint +perfume about her hair. It really was odd how subtly fragrant she seemed +to be--almost, perhaps, a matter of scientific interest. + +Her hands did not seem to be chilled; they did seem unusually smooth and +soft. + +I said to her: "When at home, I suppose your mother tucks you in; doesn't +she?" + +"Yes," she nodded sleepily. + +"And what does she do then?" said I, with something of that ponderous +playfulness with which I make scientific jokes at a meeting of the Bronx +Anthropological Association, when I preside. + +"She kisses me and turns out the light," said Evelyn Grey, innocently. + +I don't know how much Kemper could distinguish. He kept dodging about and +twisting his head until I really thought it would come off, unless it had +been screwed on like the top of a piano stool. + +A few minutes later he fired his pistol twice; and Evelyn sat up. I never +knew why he fired; he never offered any explanation. + +Toward midnight I could hear the roar of breakers on our starboard bow. +Evelyn heard them, too, and sat up inquiringly. + +"Grue has found the inlet to Black Bayou, I suppose," said I. + +And it proved to be the case, for, with the surf thundering on either +hand, we sailed into a smoothly flowing inlet through which the flood +tide was running between high dunes all sparkling in the moonlight and +crowned with shadowy palms. + +Occasionally I heard noises ahead of us from the other boat, as though +Kemper was trying to converse with us, but as his apropos was as +unintelligible as it was inopportune, I pretended not to hear him. +Besides, I had all I could do to manoeuvre the tiller and prevent Evelyn +Grey from falling off backward into the bayou. Besides, it is not +customary to converse with the man at the helm. + +After a while--during which I seemed to distinguish in Kemper's voice a +quality that rhymes with his name--his tones varied through phases all +the way from irony to exasperation. After a while he gave it up and took +to singing. + +There was a moon, and I suppose he thought he had a voice. It didn't +strike me so. After several somewhat melancholy songs, he let off his +pistol two or three times and then subsided into silence. + +I didn't care; neither his songs nor his shots interrupted--but let that +pass, also. + +We were now sailing into the forest through pool after pool of +interminable lagoons, startling into unseen and clattering flight +hundreds of waterfowl. I could feel the wind from their whistling +wings in the darkness, as they drove by us out to sea. It seemed to +startle the pretty waitress. It is a solemn thing to be responsible for +a pretty girl's peace of mind. I reassured her continually, perhaps a +trifle nervously. But there were no more pistol shots. Perhaps Kemper had +used up his cartridges. + +We were still drifting along under drooping sails, borne inland almost +entirely by the tide, when the first pale, watery, gray light streaked +the east. When it grew a little lighter, Evelyn sat up; all danger of +sharks being over. Also, I could begin to see what was going on in the +other boat. Which was nothing remarkable; Kemper slumped against the +mast, his head turned in our direction; Grue sat at the helm, motionless, +his tattered straw hat sagging on his neck. + +When the sun rose, I called out cheerily to Kemper, asking him how he had +passed the night. Evelyn also raised her head, pausing while bringing her +disordered hair under discipline, to listen to his reply. + +But he merely mumbled something. Perhaps he was still sleepy. + +As for me, I felt exceedingly well; and when Grue turned his craft in +shore, I did so, too; and when, under the overhanging foliage of the +forest, the nose of my boat grated on the sand, I rose and crossed the +deck with a step distinctly frolicsome. + +Kemper seemed distant and glum; Evelyn Grey spoke to him shyly now and +then, and I noticed she looked at him only when he was gazing elsewhere +than at her. She had a funny, conciliatory air with him, half ashamed, +partly humorous and amused, as though something about Kemper's sulky +ill-humour was continually making tiny inroads on her gravity. + +Some mullet had jumped into the two boats--half a dozen during our +moonlight voyage--and these were now being fried with rice for us by +Grue. Lord! How I hated to eat them! + +After we had finished breakfast, Grue, as usual, did everything to the +remainder except to get into the fry-pan with both feet; and as usual he +sickened me. + +When he'd cleaned up everything, I sent him off into the forest to +find a dry shell-mound for camping purposes; then I made fast both +boats, and Kemper and I carried ashore our paraphernalia, spare +_batterie-de-cuisine_, firearms, fishing tackle, spears, harpoons, +grains, oars, sails, spars, folding cage--everything with which a +strictly scientific expedition is usually burdened. + +Evelyn was washing her face in the crystal waters of a branch that flowed +into the lagoon from under the live-oaks. She looked very pretty doing +it, like a naiad or dryad scrubbing away at her forest toilet. + +It was, in fact, such a pretty spectacle that I was going over to sit +beside her while she did it, but Kemper started just when I was going to, +and I turned away. Some men invariably do the wrong thing. But a handsome +man doesn't last long with a pretty girl. + +I was thinking of this as I stood contemplating an alligator slide, when +Grue came back saying that the shore on which we had landed was the +termination of a shell-mound, and that it was the only dry place he had +found. + +So I bade him pitch our tents a few feet back from the shore; and stood +watching him while he did so, one eye reverting occasionally to Evelyn +Grey and Kemper. They both were seated cross-legged beside the branch, +and they seemed to be talking a great deal and rather earnestly. I +couldn't quite understand what they found to talk about so earnestly and +volubly all of a sudden, inasmuch as they had heretofore exchanged very +few observations during a most brief and formal acquaintance, dating only +from sundown the day before. + +Grue set up our three tents, carried the luggage inland, and then hung +about for a while until the vast shadow of a vulture swept across the +trees. + +I never saw such an indescribable expression on a human face as I saw +on Grue's as he looked up at the huge, unclean bird. His vitreous eyes +fairly glittered; the corners of his mouth quivered and grew wet; and to +my astonishment he seemed to emit a low, mewing noise. + +"What the devil are you doing?" I said impulsively, in my amazement and +disgust. + +He looked at me, his eyes still glittering, the corners of his mouth +still wet; but the curious sounds had ceased. + +"What?" he asked. + +"Nothing. I thought you spoke." I didn't know what else to say. + +He made no reply. Once, when I had partly turned my head, I was aware +that he was warily turning his to look at the vulture, which had alighted +heavily on the ground near the entrails and heads of the mullet, where he +had cast them on the dead leaves. + +I walked over to where Evelyn Grey and Kemper sat so busily conversing; +and their volubility ceased as they glanced up and saw me approaching. +Which phenomenon both perplexed and displeased me. + +I said: + +"This is the Black Bayou forest, and we have the most serious business +of our lives before us. Suppose you and I start out, Kemper, and see if +there are any traces of what we are after in the neighborhood of our +camp." + +"Do you think it safe to leave Miss Grey alone in camp?" he asked +gravely. + +I hadn't thought of that: + +"No, of course not," I said. "Grue can stay." + +"I don't need anybody," she said quickly. "Anyway, I'm rather afraid of +Grue." + +"Afraid of Grue?" I repeated. + +"Not exactly afraid. But he's--unpleasant." + +"I'll remain with Miss Grey," said Kemper politely. + +"Oh," she exclaimed, "I couldn't ask that. It is true that I feel a +little tired and nervous, but I can go with you and Mr. Smith and Grue--" + +I surveyed Kemper in cold perplexity. As chief of the expedition, I +couldn't very well offer to remain with Evelyn Grey, but I didn't propose +that Kemper should, either. + +"Take Grue," he suggested, "and look about the woods for a while. Perhaps +after dinner Miss Grey may feel sufficiently rested to join us." + +"I am sure," she said, "that a few hours' rest in camp will set me on my +feet. All I need is rest. I didn't sleep very soundly last night." + +I felt myself growing red, and I looked away from them both. + +"Oh," said Kemper, in apparent surprise, "I thought you had slept soundly +all night long." + +"Nobody," said I, "could have slept very pleasantly during that musical +performance of yours." + +"Were you singing?" she asked innocently of Kemper. + +"He was singing when he wasn't firing off his pistol," I remarked. "No +wonder you couldn't sleep with any satisfaction to yourself." + +Grue had disappeared into the forest; I stood watching for him to come +out again. After a few minutes I heard a furious but distant noise of +flapping; the others also heard it; and we listened in silence, wondering +what it was. + +"It's Grue killing something," faltered Evelyn Grey, turning a trifle +pale. + +"Confound it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to stop that right now." + +Kemper rose and followed me as I started for the woods; but as we passed +the beached boats Grue appeared from among the trees. + +"Where have you been?" I demanded. + +"In the woods." + +"Doing what?" + +"Nothing." + +There was a bit of down here and there clinging to his cotton shirt and +trousers, and one had caught and stuck at the corner of his mouth. + +"See here, Grue," I said, "I don't want you to kill any birds except for +camp purposes. Why do you try to catch and kill birds?" + +"I don't." + +I stared at the man and he stared back at me out of his glassy eyes. + +"You mean to say that you don't, somehow or other, manage to catch and +kill birds?" + +"No, I don't." + +There was nothing further for me to say unless I gave him the lie. I +didn't care to do that, needing his services. + +Evelyn Grey had come up to join us; there was a brief silence; we +all stood looking at Grue; and he looked back at us out of his pale, +washed-out, and unblinking eyes. + +"Grue," I said, "I haven't yet explained to you the object of this +expedition to Black Bayou. Now, I'll tell you what I want. But first let +me ask you a question or two. You know the Black Bayou forests, don't +you?" + +"Yes." + +"Did you ever see anything unusual in these forests?" + +"No." + +"Are you sure?" + +The man stared at us, one after another. Then he said: + +"What are you looking for in Black Bayou?" + +"Something very curious, very strange, very unusual. So strange and +unusual, in fact, that the great Zoölogical Society of the Bronx in New +York has sent me down here at the head of this expedition to search the +forests of Black Bayou." + +"For what?" he demanded, in a dull, accentless voice. + +"For a totally new species of human being, Grue. I wish to catch one and +take it back to New York in that folding cage." + +His green eyes had grown narrow as though sun-dazzled. Kemper had stepped +behind us into the woods and was now busy setting up the folding cage. +Grue remained motionless. + +"I am going to offer you," I said, "the sum of one thousand dollars in +gold if you can guide us to a spot where we may see this hitherto unknown +species--a creature which is apparently a man but which has, in the back +of his head, a _third eye_--" + +I paused in amazement: Grue's cheeks had suddenly puffed out and were +quivering; and from the corners of his slitted mouth he was emitting a +whimpering sound like the noise made by a low-circling pigeon. + +"Grue!" I cried. "What's the matter with you?" + +"What is _he_ doing?" screamed Grue, quivering from head to foot, but not +turning around. + +"Who?" I cried. + +"The man behind me!" + +"Professor Kemper? He's setting up the folding cage--" + +With a screech that raised my hair, Grue whipped out his murderous knife +and _hurled himself backward_ at Kemper, but the latter shrank aside +behind the partly erected cage, and Grue whirled around, snarling, +hacking, and even biting at the wood frame and steel bars. + +And then occurred a thing so horrid that it sickened me to the pit of my +stomach; for the man's sagging straw hat had fallen off, and there, in +the back of his head, through the coarse, black, ratty hair, I saw a +glassy eye glaring at me. + +"Kemper!" I shouted. "He's got a third eye! He's one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!" And I seized a shot-gun from the top of +the baggage bundle on the ground beside me, and leaped at Grue, aiming +a terrific blow at him. + +[Illustration: "'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He is one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!'"] + +But the glassy eye in the back of his head was watching me between the +clotted strands of hair, and he dodged both Kemper and me, swinging his +heavy knife in circles and glaring at us both out of the front and back +of his head. + +Kemper seized him by his arm, but Grue's shirt came off, and I saw his +entire body was as furry as an ape's. And all the while he was snapping +at us and leaping hither and thither to avoid our blows; and from the +corners of his puffed cheeks he whined and whimpered and mewed through +the saliva foam. + +"Keep him from the water!" I panted, following him with clubbed shot-gun; +and as I advanced I almost stepped on a soiled heap of foulness--the dead +buzzard which he had caught and worried to death with his teeth. + +Suddenly he threw his knife at my head, hurling it backward; dodged, +screeched, and bounded by me toward the shore of the lagoon, where the +pretty waitress was standing, petrified. + +For one moment I thought he had her, but she picked up her skirts, ran +for the nearest boat, and seized a harpoon; and in his fierce eagerness +to catch her he leaped clear over the boat and fell with a splash into +the lagoon. + +As Kemper and I sprang aboard and looked over into the water, we +could see him going down out of reach of a harpoon; and his body seemed +to be silver-plated, flashing and glittering like a burnished eel, so +completely did the skin of air envelope him, held there by the fur that +covered him. + +And, as he rested for a moment on the bottom, deep down through the clear +waters of the lagoon where he lay prone, I could see, as the current +stirred his long, black hair, the third eye looking up at us, glassy, +unwinking, horrible. + + * * * * * + +A bubble or two, like globules of quicksilver, were detached from the +burnished skin of air that clothed him, and came glittering upward. + +Suddenly there was a flash; a flurrying cloud of blue mud; and Grue was +gone. + + * * * * * + +After a long while I turned around in the muteness of my despair. And +slowly froze. + +For the pretty waitress, becomingly pale, was gathered in Kemper's arms, +her cheek against his shoulder. Neither seemed to be aware of me. + +"Darling," he said, in the imbecile voice of a man in love, "why do you +tremble so when I am here to protect you? Don't you love and trust me?" + +"Oo--h--yes," she sighed, pressing her cheek closer to his shoulder. + +I shoved my hands into my pockets, passed them without noticing them, and +stepped ashore. + +And there I sat down under a tree, with my back toward them, all alone +and face to face with the greatest grief of my life. + +But which it was--the loss of her or the loss of Grue, I had not yet made +up my mind. + + + + +THE IMMORTAL + + + + +I + + +As everybody knows, the great majority of Americans, upon reaching the +age of natural selection, are elected to the American Institute of Arts +and Ethics, which is, so to speak, the Ellis Island of the Academy. + +Occasionally a general mobilization of the Academy is ordered and, from +the teeming population of the Institute, a new Immortal is selected for +the American Academy of Moral Endeavor by the simple process of +blindfolded selection from _Who's Which_. + +The motto of this most stately of earthly institutions is a peculiarly +modest, truthful, and unintentional epigram by Tupper: + +"Unknown, I became Famous; Famous, I remain Unknown." + +And so I found it to be the case; for, when at last I was privileged to +write my name, "Smith, Academician," I discovered to my surprise that I +knew none of my brother Immortals, and, more amazing still, none of them +had ever heard of me. + +This latter fact became the more astonishing to me as I learned the +identity of the other Immortals. + +Even the President of our great republic was numbered among these +Olympians. I had every right to suppose that he had heard of me. I had +happened to hear of him, because his Secretary of State once mentioned +him at Chautauqua. + +It was a wonderfully meaningless sensation to know nobody and to discover +myself equally unknown amid that matchless companionship. We were like a +mixed bunch of gods, Greek, Norse, Hindu, Hottentot--all gathered on +Olympus, having never heard of each other but taking it for granted that +we were all gods together and all members of this club. + +My initiation into the Academy had been fixed for April first, and I was +much worried concerning the address which I was of course expected to +deliver on that occasion before my fellow members. + +It had to be an exciting address because slumber was not an infrequent +phenomenon among the Immortals on such solemn occasions. Like dozens of +dozing Joves a dull discourse always set them nodding. + +But always under such circumstances the pretty ushers from Barnard +College passed around refreshments; a suffragette orchestra struck up; +the ushers uprooted the seated Immortals and fox-trotted them into +comparative consciousness. + +But I didn't wish to have my inaugural address interrupted, therefore I +was at my wits' ends to discover a subject of such exciting scientific +interest that my august audience could not choose but listen as +attentively as they would listen from the front row to some deathless +stunt in vaudeville. + +That morning I had left the Bronx rather early, hoping that a long walk +might compose my thoughts and enable me to think of some sufficiently +entertaining and unusual subject for my inaugural address. + +I walked as far as Columbia University, gazed with rapture upon its +magnificent architecture until I was as satiated as though I had arisen +from a banquet at Childs'. + +To aid mental digestion I strolled over to the noble home of the Academy +and Institute adjoining Mr. Huntington's Hispano-Moresque Museum. + +It was a fine, sunny morning, and the Immortals were being exercised by a +number of pretty ushers from Barnard. + +I gazed upon the impressive procession with pride unutterable; very soon +I also should walk two and two in the sunshine, my dome crowned with +figurative laurels, cracking scientific witticisms with my fellow +inmates, or, perhaps, squeezing the pretty fingers of some--But let that +pass. + +I was, as I say, gazing upon this inspiring scene on a beautiful morning +in February, when I became aware of a short and visibly vulgar person +beside me, plucking persistently at my elbow. + +"Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?" he asked, tipping his +pearl-coloured and somewhat soiled bowler. + +"Yes," I said condescendingly. "Your description of me precludes further +doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?" + +"Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in +the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society?" he persisted. + +"What do you desire of me?" I repeated, taking another look at him. He +was exceedingly ordinary. + +"Prof, old sport," he said cordially, "I took a slant at the papers +yesterday, an' I seen all about the big time these guys had when you rode +the goat--" + +"Rode--_what_?" + +"When you was elected. Get me?" + +I stared at him. He grinned in a friendly way. + +"The privacy of those solemn proceedings should remain sacred. It were +unfit to discuss such matters with the world at large," I said coldly. + +"I get you," he rejoined cheerfully. + +"What do you desire of me?" I repeated. "Why this unseemly apropos?" + +"I was comin' to it. Perfessor, I'll be frank. I need money--" + +"You need brains!" + +"No," he said good-humouredly, "I've got 'em; plenty of 'em; I'm +overstocked with idees. What I want to do is to sell _you_ a few--" + +"Do you know you are impudent!" + +"Listen, friend. I seen a piece in the papers as how you was to make the +speech of your life when you ride the goat for these here guys on April +first--" + +"I decline to listen--" + +"_One_ minute, friend! I want to ask you one thing! _What_ are you going +to talk about?" + +I was already moving away but I stopped and stared at him. + +"That's the question," he nodded with unimpaired cheerfulness, "_what_ +are you going to talk about on April _the_ first? Remember it's the +hot-air party of your life. _Ree_-member that each an' every paper in the +United States will print what you say. Now, how about it, friend? Are you +up in your lines?" + +Swallowing my repulsion for him I said: "Why are you concerned as to what +may be the subject of my approaching address?" + +"There you are, Prof!" he exclaimed delightedly; "I want to do business +with you. That's me! I'm frank about it. Say, there ought to be a wad of +the joyful in it for us both--" + +"What?" + +"Sure. We can work it any old way. Take Tyng, Tyng and Company, the +typewriter people. I'd be ashamed to tell you what I can get out o' +them if you'll mention the Tyng-Tyng typewriter in your speech--" + +"What you suggest is infamous!" I said haughtily. + +"Believe _me_ there's enough in it to make it a financial coup, and I ask +you, Prof, isn't a financial coup respectable?" + +"You seem to be morally unfitted to comprehend--" + +"Pardon _me_! I'm fitted up regardless with all kinds of fixtures. I'm +fixed to undertake anything. Now if you'd prefer the Bunsen Baby Biscuit +bunch--why old man Bunsen would come across--" + +"I won't do such things!" I said angrily. + +"Very well, very well. Don't get riled, sir. That's only one way to build +on Fifth Avenoo. I've got one hundred thousand other ways--" + +"I don't want to talk to you--" + +"They're honest--some of them. Say, if you want a stric'ly honest deal +I've got the goods. Only it ain't as easy and the money ain't as big--" + +"I don't want to talk to you--" + +"Yes you do. You don't reelize it but you do. Why you're fixin' to make +the holler of your life, ain't you? What are you goin' to say? Hey? +What you aimin' to say to make those guys set up? What's the use of +up-stagin'? Ain't you willin' to pay me a few plunks if I _dy_-vulge to +you the most startlin' phenomena that has ever electrified civilization +sense the era of P.T. Barnum!" + +I was already hurrying away when the mention of that great scientist's +name halted me once more. + +The little flashy man had been tagging along at my heels, talking +cheerfully and volubly all the while; and now, as I halted again, he +struck an attitude, legs apart, thumbs hooked in his arm-pits, and his +head cocked knowingly on one side. + +"Prof," he said, "if you'd work in the Tyng-Tyng Company, or fix it up +with Bunsen to mention his Baby Biscuits as the most nootritious of +condeements, there'd be more in it for you an' me. But it's up to you." + +"Well I won't!" I retorted. + +"Very well, ve-ry well," he said soothingly. "Then look over another line +o' samples. No trouble to show 'em--none at all, sir! Now if P.T. +Barnum was alive--" + +I said very seriously: "The name of that great discoverer falling from +your illiterate lips has halted me a second time. His name alone invests +your somewhat suspicious conversation with a dignity and authority +heretofore conspicuously absent. If, as you hint, you have any scientific +information for sale which P.T. Barnum might have considered worth +purchasing, you may possibly find in me a client. Proceed, young sir." + +"Say, listen, Bo--I mean, Prof. I've got the goods. Don't worry. I've got +information in my think-box that would make your kick-in speech the event +of the century. The question remains, do I get mine?" + +[Illustration: "'Say, listen, Bo--I mean, Prof. I've got the goods.'"] + +"What is this scientific information?" + +We had now walked as far as Riverside Drive. There were plenty of +unoccupied benches. I sat down and he seated himself beside me. + +For a few moments I gazed upon the magnificent view. Even he seemed awed +by the proportions of the superb iron gas tank dominating the prospect. + +I gazed at the colossal advertisements across the Hudson, at the freight +trains below; I gazed upon the lordly Hudson itself, that majestic sewer +which drains the Empire State, bearing within its resistless flood +millions of tons of insoluble matter from that magic fairyland which we +call "up-state," to the sea. And, thinking of disposal plants, I thought +of that sublime paraphrase--"From the Mohawk to the Hudson, and from the +Hudson to the Sea." + +"Bo," he said, "I gotta hand it to you. Them guys might have got wise if +you had worked in the Tyng-Tyng Company or the Bunsen stuff. There was +big money into it, but it might not have went." + +I waited curiously. + +"But this here dope I'm startin' in to cook for you is a straight, +reelible, an' hones' pill. P.T. Barnum he would have went a million miles +to see what I seen last Janooary down in the Coquina country--" + +"Where is that?" + +"Say; that's what costs money to know. When I put you wise I'm due to +retire from actyve business. Get me?" + +"Go on." + +"Sure. I was down to the Coquina country, a-doin'--well, I was doin' +rubes. I gotta be hones' with _you_, Prof. That's what I was a-doin' +of--sellin' farms under water to suckers. Bee-u-tiful Florida! Own your +own orange grove. Seven crops o' strawberries every winter in Gawd's own +country--get me?" + +He bestowed upon me a loathsome wink. + +"Well, it went big till I made a break and got in Dutch with the Navy +Department what was surveyin' the Everglades for a safe and sane harbor +of refuge for the navy in time o' war. + +"Sir, they was a-dredgin' up the farms I was sellin', an' the suckers +heard of it an' squealed somethin' fierce, an' I had to hustle! Yes, sir, +I had to git up an' mosey cross-lots. And what with the Federal Gov'ment +chasin' me one way an' them rubes an' the sheriff of Pickalocka County +racin' me t'other, I got lost for fair--yes, sir." + +He smiled reminiscently, produced from his pockets the cold and offensive +remains of a partly consumed cigar, and examined it critically. Then he +requested a match. + +"I shall now pass over lightly or in subdood silence the painful events +of my flight," he remarked, waving his cigar and expelling a long squirt +of smoke from his unshaven lips. "Surfice it to say that I got everythin' +that was comin' to me, an' then some, what with snakes and murskeeters, +an' briers an' mud, an' hunger an' thirst an' heat. Wasn't there a wop +named Pizarro or somethin' what got lost down in Florida? Well, he's got +nothin' on me. I never want to see the dam' state again. But I'll go back +if _you_ say so!" + +His small rat eyes rested musingly upon the river; he sucked thoughtfully +at his cigar, hooked one soiled thumb into the armhole of his fancy vest +and crossed his legs. + +"To resoom," he said cheerily; "I come out one day, half nood, onto the +banks of the Miami River. The rest was a pipe after what I had went +through. + +"I trimmed a guy at Miami, got clothes and railroad fare, an' ducked. + +"Now the valyble portion of my discourse is this here partial information +concernin' what I seen--or rather what I run onto durin' my crool flight +from my ree-lentless persecutors. + +"An' these here is the facts: There is, contrary to maps, Coast Survey +guys, an' general opinion, a range of hills in Florida, made entirely of +coquina. + +"It's a good big range, too, fifty miles long an' anywhere from one to +five miles acrost. + +"An' what I've got to say is this: Into them there Coquina hills there +still lives the expirin' remains of the cave-men--" + +"What!" I exclaimed incredulously. + +"Or," he continued calmly, "to speak more stric'ly, the few individools +of that there expirin' race is now totally reduced to a few women." + +"Your statement is wild--" + +"No; but they're wild. I seen 'em. Bein' extremely bee-utiful I +approached nearer, but they hove rocks at me, they did, an' they run into +the rocks like squir'ls, they did, an' I was too much on the blink to +stick around whistlin' for dearie. + +"But I seen 'em; they was all dolled up in the skins of wild annermals. +When I see the first one she was eatin' onto a ear of corn, an' I nearly +ketched her, but she run like hellnall--yes, sir. Just like that. + +"So next I looked for some cave guy to waltz up an' paste me, but no. An' +after I had went through them dam' Coquina mountains I realized that +there was nary a guy left in this here expirin' race, only women, an' +only about a dozen o' them." + +He ceased, meditatively expelled a cloud of pungent smoke, and folded his +arms. + +"Of course," said I with a sneer, "you have proofs to back your pleasant +tale?" + +"Sure. I made a map." + +"I see," said I sarcastically. "You propose to have me pay you for that +map?" + +"Sure." + +"How much, my confiding friend?" + +"Ten thousand plunks." + +I began to laugh. He laughed, too: "You'll pay 'em if you take my map an' +go to the Coquina hills," he said. + +I stopped laughing: "Do you mean that I am to go there and investigate +before I pay you for this information?" + +"Sure. If the goods ain't up to sample the deal is off." + +"Sample? What sample?" I demanded derisively. + +He made a gesture with one soiled hand as though quieting a balky horse. + +"I took a snapshot, friend. You wanta take a slant at it?" + +"You took a photograph of one of these alleged cave-dwellers?" + +"I took ten but when these here cave-ladies hove rocks at me the fillums +was put on the blink--all excep' this one which I dee-veloped an' +printed." + +He drew from his inner coat pocket a photograph and handed it to me--the +most amazing photograph I ever gazed upon. Astounded, almost convinced +I sat looking at this irrefutable evidence in silence. The smoke of his +cigar drifting into my face aroused me from a sort of dazed inertia. + +"Listen," I said, half strangled, "are you willing to wait for payment +until I personally have verified the existence of these--er--creatures?" + +"You betcher! When you have went there an' have saw the goods, just let +me have mine if they're up to sample. Is that right?" + +"It seems perfectly fair." + +"It is fair. I wouldn't try to do a scientific guy--no, sir. Me without +no eddycation, only brains? Fat chance I'd have to put one over on a +Academy sport what's chuck-a-block with Latin an' Greek an' scientific +stuff an' all like that!" + +I admitted to myself that he'd stand no chance. + +"Is it a go?" he asked. + +"Where is the map?" I inquired, trembling internally with excitement. + +"Ha--ha!" he said. "Listen to my mirth! The map is inside here, old +sport!" and he tapped his retreating forehead with one nicotine-stained +finger. + +"I see," said I, trying to speak carelessly; "you desire to pilot me." + +"I don't desire to but I gotta go with you." + +"An accurate map--" + +"Can it, old sport! A accurate map is all right when it's pasted over the +front of your head for a face. But I wear the other kind of map _inside_ +me conk. Get me?" + +"I confess that I do not." + +"Well, get _this_, then. It's a cash deal. If the goods is up to sample +you hand me mine then an' there. I don't deliver no goods f.o.b. I shows +'em to you. After you have saw them it's up to you to round 'em up. +That's all, as they say when our great President pulls a gun. There ain't +goin' to be no shootin'; walk out quietly, ladies!" + +After I had sat there for fully ten minutes staring at him I came to the +only logical conclusion possible to a scientific mind. + +I said: "You are, admittedly, unlettered; you are confessedly a +chevalier of industry; personally you are exceedingly distasteful to me. +But it is useless to deny that you are the most extraordinary man I ever +saw.... How soon can you take me to these Coquina hills?" + +"Gimme twenty-four hours to--fix things," he said gaily. + +"Is that all?" + +"It's plenty, I guess. An'--say!" + +"What?" + +"It's a stric'ly cash deal. Get me?" + +"I shall have with me a certified check for ten thousand dollars. Also a +pair of automatics." + +He laughed: "Huh!" he said, "I could loco your cabbage-palm soup if I was +_that_ kind! I'm on the level, Perfessor. If I wasn't I could get you in +about a hundred styles while you was blinkin' at what you was a-thinkin' +about. But I ain't no gun-man. You hadn't oughta pull that stuff on me. +I've give you your chanst; take it or leave it." + +I pondered profoundly for another ten minutes. And at last my decision +was irrevocably reached. + +"It's a bargain," I said firmly. "What is your name?" + +"Sam Mink. Write it Samuel onto that there certyfied check--if you can +spare the extra seconds from your valooble time." + + + + +II + +On Monday, the first day of March, 1915, about 10:30 a.m., we +came in sight of something which, until I had met Mink, I never had +dreamed existed in southern Florida--a high range of hills. + +It had been an eventless journey from New York to Miami, from Miami to +Fort Coquina; but from there through an absolutely pathless wilderness as +far as I could make out, the journey had been exasperating. + +Where we went I do not know even now: saw-grass and water, hammock and +shell mound, palm forests, swamps, wildernesses of water-oak and +live-oak, vast stretches of pine, lagoons, sloughs, branches, muddy +creeks, reedy reaches from which wild fowl rose in clouds where +alligators lurked or lumbered about after stranded fish, horrible +mangrove thickets full of moccasins and water-turkeys, heronry more +horrible still, out of which the heat from a vertical sun distilled the +last atom of nauseating effluvia--all these choice spots we visited under +the guidance of the wretched Mink. I seemed to be missing nothing that +might discourage or disgust me. + +He appeared to know the way, somehow, although my compass became +mysteriously lost the first day out from Fort Coquina. + +Again and again I felt instinctively that we were travelling in a vast +circle, but Mink always denied it, and I had no scientific instruments to +verify my deepening suspicions. + +Another thing bothered me: Mink did not seem to suffer from insects or +heat; in fact, to my intense annoyance, he appeared to be having a +comfortable time of it, eating and drinking with gusto, sleeping snugly +under a mosquito bar, permitting me to do all camp work, the paddling as +long as we used a canoe, and all the cooking, too, claiming, on his part, +a complete ignorance of culinary art. + +Sometimes he condescended to catch a few fish for the common pan; +sometimes he bestirred himself to shoot a duck or two. But usually he +played on his concertina during his leisure moments which were plentiful. + +I began to detest Samuel Mink. + +At first I was murderously suspicious of him, and I walked about with my +automatic arsenal ostentatiously displayed. But he looked like such a +miserable little shrimp that I became ashamed of my precautions. Besides, +as he cheerfully pointed out, a little koonti soaked in my drinking +water, would have done my business for me if he had meant me any physical +harm. Also he had a horrid habit of noosing moccasins for sport; and it +would have been easy for him to introduce one to me while I slept. + +Really what most worried me was the feeling which I could not throw off +that somehow or other we were making very little progress in any +particular direction. + +He even admitted that there was reason for my doubts, but he confided to +me that to find these Coquina hills, was like traversing a maze. Doubling +to and fro among forests and swamps, he insisted, was the only possible +path of access to the undiscovered Coquina hills of Florida. Otherwise, +he argued, these Coquina hills would long ago have been discovered. + +And it seemed to me that he had been right when at last we came out on +the edge of a palm forest and beheld that astounding blue outline of +hills in a country which has always been supposed to lie as flat as a +flabby flap-jack. + +A desert of saw-palmetto stretched away before us to the base of the +hills; game trails ran through it in every direction like sheep paths; +a few moth-eaten Florida deer trotted away as we appeared. + +Into one of these trails stepped Samuel Mink, burdened only with his +concertina and a box of cigars. I, loaded with seventy pounds of +impedimenta including a moving-picture apparatus, reeled after him. + +He walked on jauntily toward the hills, his pearl-coloured bowler hat at +an angle. Occasionally he played upon his concertina as he advanced; now +and then he cut a pigeon wing. I hated him. At every toilsome step I +hated him more deeply. He played "Tipperary" on his concertina. + +"See 'em, old top?" he inquired, nodding toward the hills. "I'm a man of +my word, I am. Look at 'em! Take 'em in, old sport! An' reemember, each +an' every hill is guaranteed to contain one bony fidy cave-lady what is +the last vanishin' traces of a extinc' an' dissappeerin' race!" + +We toiled on--that is, I did, bowed under my sweating load of +paraphernalia. He skipped in advance like some degenerate twentieth +century faun, playing on his pipes the unmitigated melodies of George +Cohan. + +"Watch your step!" he cried, nimbly avoiding the attentions of a +ground-rattler which tried to caress his ankle from under a saw-palmetto. + +With a shudder I gave the deadly little reptile room and floundered +forward a prey to exhaustion, melancholy, and red-bugs. A few buzzards +kept pace with me, their broad, black shadows gliding ominously over the +sun-drenched earth; blue-tail lizards went rustling and leaping away on +every side; floppy soft-winged butterflies escorted me; a strange bird +which seemed to be dressed in a union suit of checked gingham, flew from +tree to tree as I plodded on, and squealed at me persistently. + +At last I felt the hard coquina under foot; the cool blue shadow of the +hills enveloped me; I slipped off my pack, dumped it beside a little rill +of crystal water which ran sparkling from the hills, and sat down on a +soft and fragrant carpet of hound's-tongue. + +After a while I drank my fill at the rill, bathed head, neck, face and +arms, and, feeling delightfully refreshed, leaned back against the +fern-covered slab of coquina. + +"What are you doing?" I demanded of Mink who was unpacking the kit and +disengaging the moving-picture machine. + +"Gettin' ready," he replied, fussing busily with the camera. + +"You don't expect to see any cave people here, do you?" I asked with a +thrill of reviving excitement. + +"Why not?" + +"_Here_?" + +"Cert'nly. Why the first one I seen was a-drinkin' into this brook." + +"Here! Where I'm sitting?" I asked incredulously. + +"Yes, sir, right there. It was this way; I was lyin' down, tryin' to +figure the shortes' way to Fort Coquina, an' wishin' I was nearer +Broadway than I was to the Equator, when I heard a voice say, 'Blub-blub, +muck-a-muck!' an' then I seen two cave-ladies come sof'ly stealin' +along." + +"W-where?" + +"Right there where you are a-sittin'. Say, they was lookers! An' they +come along quiet like two big-eyed deer, kinder nosin' the air and +listenin'. + +"'Gee whiz,' thinks I, 'Longacre ain't got so much on them dames!' An' at +that one o' them wore a wild-cat's skin an' that's all--an' a wild-cat +ain't big. And t'other she sported pa'm-leaf pyjamas. + +"So when they don't see nothin' around to hinder, they just lays down +flat and takes a drink into that pool, lookin' up every swallow like +little birds listenin' and kinder thankin' God for a good square drink. + +"I knowed they was wild girls soon as I seen 'em. Also they sez to one +another, 'Blub-blub!' Kinder sof'ly. All the same I've seen wilder ladies +on Broadway so I took a chanst where I was squattin' behind a rock. + +"So sez I, 'Ah there, sweetie Blub-blub! Have a taxi on me!' An' with +that they is on their feet, quiverin' all over an' nosin' the wind. So +first I took some snapshots at 'em with my Bijoo camera. + +"I guess they scented me all right for I seen their eyes grow bigger, an' +then they give a bound an' was off over the rocks; an' me after 'em. Say, +that was some steeple-chase until a few more cave-ladies come out on them +rocks above us an' hove chunks of coquina at me. + +"An' with all that dodgin' an' duckin' of them there rocks the cave-girls +got away; an' I seen 'em an' the other cave-ladies scurryin' into little +caves--one whisked into this hole, another scuttled into that--bing! all +over! + +"All I could think of was to light a cigar an' blow the smoke in after +the best-lookin' cave-girl. But I couldn't smoke her out, an' I hadn't +time to starve her out. So that's all I know about this here +pree-historic an' extinc' race o' vanishin' cave-ladies." + +As his simple and illiterate narrative advanced I became proportionally +excited; and, when he ended, I sprang to my feet in an uncontrollable +access of scientific enthusiasm: + +"Was she really pretty?" I asked. + +"Listen, she was that peachy--" + +"Enough!" I cried. "Science expects every man to do his duty! Are your +films ready to record a scene without precedent in the scientific annals +of creation?" + +"They sure is!" + +"Then place your camera and your person in a strategic position. This is +a magnificent spot for an ambush! Come over beside me!" + +He came across to where I had taken cover among the ferns behind the +parapet of coquina, and with a thrill of pardonable joy I watched him +unlimber his photographic artillery and place it in battery where my +every posture and action would be recorded for posterity if a cave-lady +came down to the water-hole to drink. + +"It were futile," I explained to him in a guarded voice, "for me to +attempt to cajole her as you attempted it. Neither playful nor moral +suasion could avail, for it is certain that no cave-lady understands +English." + +"I thought o' that, too," he remarked. "I said, 'Blub-blub! muck-a-muck!' +to 'em when they started to run, but it didn't do no good." + +I smiled: "Doubtless," said I, "the spoken language of the cave-dweller +is made up of similarly primitive exclamations, and you were quite right +in attempting to communicate with the cave-ladies and establish a cordial +entente. Professor Garner has done so among the Simian population of +Gaboon. Your attempt is most creditable and I shall make it part of my +record. + +"But the main idea is to capture a living specimen of cave-lady, and +corroborate every detail of that pursuit and capture upon the films. + +"And believe me, Mr. Mink," I added, my voice trembling with emotion, "no +Academician is likely to go to sleep when I illustrate my address with +such pictures as you are now about to take!" + +"The police might pull the show," he suggested. + +"No," said I, "Science is already immune; art is becoming so. Only nature +need fear the violence of prejudice; and doubtless she will continue to +wear pantalettes and common-sense nighties as long as our great republic +endures." + +I unslung my field-glasses, adjusted them and took a penetrating squint +at the hillside above. + +Nothing stirred up there except a buzzard or two wheeling on tip-curled +pinions above the palms. + +Presently Mink inquired whether I had "lamped" anything, and I replied +that I had not. + +"They may be snoozin' in their caves," he suggested. "But don't you fret, +old top; you'll get what's comin' to you and I'll get mine." + +"About that check--" I began and hesitated. + +"Sure. What about it?" + +"I suppose I'm to give it to you when the first cave-woman appears." + +"That's what!" + +I pondered the matter for a while in silence. I could see no risk in +paying him this draft on sight. + +"All right," I said. "Bring on your cave-dwellers." + +Hour succeeded hour, but no cave-dwellers came down to the pool to drink. +We ate luncheon--a bit of cold duck, some koonti-bread, and a dish of +palm-cabbage. I smoked an inexpensive cigar; Mink lit a more pretentious +one. Afterward he played on his concertina at my suggestion on the chance +that the music might lure a cave-girl down the hill. Nymphs were +sometimes caught that way, and modern science seems to be reverting more +and more closely to the simpler truths of the classics which, in our +ignorance and arrogance, we once dismissed as fables unworthy of +scientific notice. + +[Illustration: "He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the +music might lure a cave-girl down the hill."] + +However this Broadway faun piped in vain: no white-footed dryad came +stealing through the ferns to gaze, perhaps to dance to the concertina's +plaintive melodies. + +So after a while he put his concertina into his pocket, cocked his derby +hat on one side, gathered his little bandy legs under his person, and +squatted there in silence, chewing the wet and bitter end of his extinct +cigar. + +Toward mid-afternoon I unslung my field-glasses again and surveyed the +hill. + +At first I noticed nothing, not even a buzzard; then, of a sudden, my +attention was attracted to something moving among the fern-covered slabs +of coquina just above where we lay concealed--a slim, graceful shape half +shadowed under a veil of lustrous hair which glittered like gold in the +sun. + +"Mink!" I whispered hoarsely. "One of them is coming! This--this indeed +is the stupendous and crowning climax of my scientific career!" + +His comment was incredibly coarse: "Gimme the dough," he said without a +tremor of surprise. Indeed there was a metallic ring of menace in his low +and entirely cold tones as he laid one hand on my arm. "No welchin'," he +said, "or I put the whole show on the bum!" + +The overwhelming excitement of the approaching crisis neutralized my +disgust; I fished out the certified check from my pocket and flung the +miserable scrap of paper at him. "Get your machine ready!" I hissed. "Do +you understand what these moments mean to the civilized world!" + +"I sure do," he said. + +Nearer and nearer came the lithe white figure under its glorious crown of +hair, moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs--nearer, +nearer, until I no longer required my glasses. + +[Illustration: "Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina +slabs."] + +She was a slender red-lipped thing, blue-eyed, dainty of hand and foot. + +The spotted pelt of a wild-cat covered her, or attempted to. + +I unfolded a large canvas sack as she approached the pool. For a moment +or two she stood gazing around her and her close-set ears seemed to be +listening. Then, apparently satisfied, she threw back her beautiful young +head and sent a sweet wild call floating back to the sunny hillside. + +"Blub-blub!" rang her silvery voice; "blub-blub! Muck-a-muck!" And from +the fern-covered hollows above other voices replied joyously to her +reassuring call, "Blub-blub-blub!" + +The whole bunch was coming down to drink--the entire remnant of a +prehistoric and almost extinct race of human creatures was coming to +quench its thirst at this water-hole. How I wished for James Barnes at +the camera's crank! He alone could do justice to this golden girl before +me. + +One by one, clad in their simple yet modest gowns of pelts and garlands, +five exquisitively superb specimens of cave-girl came gracefully down to +the water-hole to drink. + +Almost swooning with scientific excitement I whispered to the unspeakable +Mink: "Begin to crank as soon as I move!" And, gathering up my big canvas +sack I rose, and, still crouching, stole through the ferns on tip-toe. + +They had already begun to drink when they heard me; I must have made some +slight sound in the ferns, for their keen ears detected it and they +sprang to their feet. + +It was a magnificent sight to see them there by the pool, tense, +motionless, at gaze, their dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes +wide and alert. + +For a moment, enchanted, I remained spellbound in the presence of this +prehistoric spectacle, then, waving my sack, I sprang out from behind the +rock and cantered toward them. + +Instead of scattering and flying up the hillside they seemed paralyzed, +huddling together as though to get into the picture. Delighted I turned +and glanced at Mink; he was cranking furiously. + +With an uncontrollable shout of triumph and delight I pranced toward +the huddling cave-girls, arms outspread as though heading a horse or +concentrating chickens. And, totally forgetting the uselessness of +urbanity and civilized speech as I danced around that lovely but +terrified group, "Ladies!" I cried, "do not be alarmed, because I mean +only kindness and proper respect. Civilization calls you from the wilds! +Sentiment, pity, piety propel my legs, not the ruthless desire to injure +or enslave you! Ladies! You are under the wing of science. An +anthropologist is speaking to you! Fear nothing! Rather rejoice! Your +wonderful race shall be rescued from extinction--even if I have to do it +myself! Ladies, don't run!" They had suddenly scattered and were now +beginning to dodge me. "I come among you bearing the precious promises +of education, of religion, of equal franchise, of fashion!" + +"Blub-blub!" they whimpered continuing to dodge me. + +"Yes!" I cried in an excess of transcendental enthusiasm. "Blub-blub! And +though I do not comprehend the exquisite simplicity of your primeval +speech, I answer with all my heart, 'Blub-blub!'" + +Meanwhile, they were dodging and eluding me as I chased first one, then +another, one hand outstretched, the other invitingly clutching the sack. + +A hasty glance at Mink now and then revealed him industriously cranking +away. + +Once I fell into the pool. That section of the film should never be +released, I determined, as I blew the water out of my mouth, gasped, and +started after a lovely, ruddy-haired cave-girl whose curiosity had led +her to linger beside the pool in which I was floundering. + +But run as fast as I could and skip hither and thither with all the +agility I could muster I did not seem to be able to seize a single +cave-girl. + +Every few minutes, baffled and breathless, I rested; and they always +clustered together uttering their plaintively musical "blub-blub," not +apparently very much afraid of me, and even exhibiting curiosity. Now and +then they cast glances toward Mink who was grinding away steadily, and I +could scarcely retain a shout of joy as I realized what wonderful +pictures he was taking. Indeed luck seemed to be with me, so far, for +never once did these beautiful prehistoric creatures retire out of +photographic range. + +But otherwise the problem was becoming serious. I could not catch one of +them; they eluded me with maddening swiftness and grace; my pauses to +recover my breath became more frequent. + +At last, dead beat, I sat down on a slab of coquina. And when I was able +to articulate I turned around toward Mink. + +"You'll have to drop your camera and come over and help me," I panted. +"I'm all in!" + +"Not quite," he said. + +For a moment I did not understand him; then under my outraged eyes, and +within the hearing of my horrified ears a terrible thing occurred. + +"Now, ladies!" yelled Mink, "all on for the fine-ally! Up-stage there, +you red-headed little spot-crabber! Mabel! Take the call! Now smile the +whole bloomin' bunch of you!" + +What was he saying? I did not comprehend. I stared dully at the six +cave-girls as they grouped themselves in a semi-circle behind me. + +Then, as one of them came up and unfolded a white strip of cloth behind +my head, the others drew from concealed pockets in their kilts of +cat-fur, little silk flags of all nations and began to wave them. + +Paralyzed I turned my head. On the strip of white cloth, which the +tallest cave-girl was holding directly behind my head, was printed in +large black letters: + + SUNSET SOAP + +For one cataclysmic instant I gazed upon this hideous spectacle, then +with an unearthly cry I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking +one. + +[Illustration: "I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one."] + +There is little more to say. Contrary to my fears the release of this +outrageous film did not injure my scientific standing. Modern science, +accustomed to proprietary testimonials, has become reconciled to such +things. + +My appearance upon the films in the movies in behalf of Sunset Soap, +oddly enough, seemed to enhance my scientific reputation. Even such +austere purists as Guilford, the Cubist poet, congratulated me upon my +fearless independence of ethical tradition. + +And I had lived to learn a gentler truth than that, for, the pretty girl +who had been cast for Cave-girl No. 3--But let that pass. _Adhibenda est +in jocando moderatio_. + +Sweet are the uses of advertisement. + + + + +THE LADIES OF THE LAKE + + + + +I + + +At the suggestion of several hundred thousand ladies desiring to revel +and possibly riot in the saturnalia of equal franchise, the unnamed lakes +in that vast and little known region in Alaska bounded by the Ylanqui +River and the Thunder Mountains were now being inexorably named after +women. + +It was a beautiful thought. Already several exquisite, lonely bits of +water, gem-set among the eternal peaks, mirrors for cloud and soaring +eagle, a glass for the moon as keystone to the towering arch of stars, +had been irrevocably labelled. + +Already there was Lake Amelia Jones, Lake Sadie Dingleheimer, Lake Maggie +McFadden, and Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt. + +I longed to see these lakes under the glamour of their newly added +beauty. + +Imagine, therefore, my surprise and happiness when I received the +following communication from my revered and beloved chief, Professor +Farrago, dated from the Smithsonian Institute, Washington, whither he +had been summoned in haste to examine and pronounce upon the identity +of a very small bird supposed to be a specimen of that rare and almost +extinct creature, the two-toed titmouse, _Mustitta duototus_, to be +scientifically exact, as I invariably strive to be. + +The important letter in question was as follows: + + To + Percy Smith, B.S., D.F., etc., etc., + Curator, Department of Anthropology, + Administration Building, + Bronx Park, N.Y. + + _My Dear Mr. Smith_: + + Several very important and determined ladies, recently honoured by + the Government in having a number of lakes in Alaska named after them, + have decided to make a pilgrimage to that region, inspired by a + characteristic desire to gaze upon the lakes named after them + individually. + + They request information upon the following points: + + 1st. Are the waters of the lakes in that locality sufficiently clear + for a lady to do her hair by? In that event, the expedition will not + burden itself with looking-glasses. + + 2nd. Are there any hotels? (You need merely say, no. I have tried to + explain to them that it is, for the most part, an unexplored + wilderness, but they insist upon further information from you.) + + 3rd. If there are hotels, is there also running water to be had? (You + may tell them that there is plenty of running water.) + + 4th. What are the summer outdoor amusements? (You may inform them that + there is plenty of bathing, boating, fishing, and an abundance of shade + trees. Also, excellent mountain-climbing to be had in the vicinity. You + need not mention the pastimes of "Hunt the Flea" or "Dodge the + Skeeter.") + + I am not by nature cruel, Mr. Smith, but when these ladies informed + me that they had decided to penetrate that howling and unexplored + wilderness without being burdened or interfered with by any member of + my sex, for one horrid and criminal moment I hoped they would. Because + in that event none of them would ever come back. + + However, in my heart milder and more humane sentiments prevailed. I + pointed out to them the peril of their undertaking, the dangers of an + unexplored region, the necessity of masculine guidance and support. + + My earnestness and solicitude were, I admit, prompted partly by a + desire to utilize this expensively projected expedition as a vehicle + for the accumulation of scientific data. + + As soon as I heard of it I conceived the plan of attaching two members + of our Bronx Park scientific staff to the expedition--you, and Mr. + Brown. + + But no sooner did these determined ladies hear of it than they repelled + the suggestion with indignation. + + Now, the matter stands as follows: These ladies don't want any man in + the expedition; but they have at last realized that they've got to take + a guide or two. And there are no feminine guides in Alaska. + + Therefore, considering the immense and vital importance of such an + opportunity to explore and report upon this unknown region at somebody + else's expense, I suggest that you and Brown meet these ladies at Lake + Mrs. Susan W. Pillsbury, which lies on the edge of the region to be + explored; that you, without actually perjuring yourselves too horribly, + convey to them the misleading impression that you are the promised + guides provided for them by a cowed and avuncular Government; and that + you take these fearsome ladies about and let them gaze at their + reflections in the various lakes named after them; and that, while the + expedition lasts, you secretly make such observations, notes, reports, + and collections of the flora and fauna of the region as your + opportunities may permit. + + No time is to be lost. If, at Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, you find regular + guides awaiting these ladies, you will bribe these guides to go away + and you yourselves will then impersonate the guides. I know of no other + way for you to explore this region, as all our available resources at + Bronx Park have already been spent in painting appropriate scenery to + line the cages of the mammalia, and also in the present exceedingly + expensive expedition in search of the polka-dotted boom-bock, which is + supposed to inhabit the jungle beyond Lake Niggerplug. + + My most solemn and sincere wishes accompany you. Bless you! + + Farrago. + + + + +II + + +This, then, is how it came about that "Kitten" Brown and I were seated, +one midgeful morning in July, by the pellucid waters of Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury, gnawing sections from a greasily fried trout, upon which I had +attempted culinary operations. + +Brown's baptismal name was William; but the unfortunate young man +was once discovered indiscreetly embracing a pretty assistant in the +Administration Building at Bronx, and, furthermore, was overheard to +address her as "Kitten." + +So Kitten Brown it was for him in future. After he had fought all the +younger members of the scientific staff in turn, he gradually became +resigned to this annoying _nom d'amour_. + +Lightly but thoroughly equipped for scientific field research, we had +arrived at the rendezvous in time to bribe the two guides engaged by the +Government to go back to their own firesides. + +A week later the formidable expedition of representative ladies arrived; +and now they were sitting on the shore of Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, at a +little distance from us, trying to keep the midges from their features +and attempting to eat the fare provided for them by me. + +I myself couldn't eat it. No wonder they murmured. But hunger goaded them +to attack the greasy mess of trout and fried cornmeal. + +Kitten was saying to me: + +"Our medicine chest isn't very extensive. I hope they brought their own. +If they didn't, some among us will never again see New York." + +I stole a furtive glance at the unfortunate women. There was one among +them--but let me first enumerate their heavy artillery: + +There was the Reverend Dr. Amelia Jones, blond, adipose, and close to the +four-score mark. She stepped high in the Equal Franchise ranks. Nobody +had ever had the temerity to answer her back. + +There was Miss Sadie Dingleheimer, fifty, emaciated, anemic, and gauntly +glittering with thick-lensed eye-glasses. She was the President of the +National Prophylactic Club, whatever that may be. + +There was Miss Margaret McFadden, a Titian, profusely toothed, muscular, +and President of the Hair Dressers' Union of the United States. + +There was Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt, a grass one--Batt being represented +as a vanishing point--President of the National Eugenic and Purity +League; tall, gnarled, sinuously powerful, and prone to emotional +attacks. The attacks were directed toward others. + +These, then, composed the heavy artillery. The artillery of the light +brigade consisted only of a single piece. Her name was Angelica White, a +delegate from the Trained Nurses' Association of America. The nurses had +been too busy with their business to attend such picnics, so one had been +selected by lot to represent the busy Association on this expedition. + +Angelica White was a tall, fair, yellow-haired girl of twenty-two or +three, with violet-blue eyes and red lips, and a way of smiling a little +when spoken to--but let that pass. I mean only to be scientifically +minute. A passion for fact has ever obsessed me. I have little literary +ability and less desire to sully my pen with that degraded form of +letters known as fiction. Once in my life my mania for accuracy involved +me lyrically. It was a short poem, but an earnest one: + + Truth is mighty and must prevail, + Otherwise it were inadvisable to tell the tale. + +I bestowed it upon the New York _Evening Post_, but declined +remuneration. My message belonged to the world. I don't mean the +newspaper. + +Her eyes, then, were tinted with that indefinable and agreeable nuance +which modifies blue to a lilac or violet hue. + +Watching her askance, I was deeply sorry that my cooking seemed to pain +her. + +"Guide!" said Mrs. Doolittle Batt, in that remarkable, booming voice of +hers. + +"Ma'am!" said Kitten Brown and I with spontaneous alacrity, leaping from +the ground as though shot at. + +"This cooking," she said, with an ominous stare at us, "is atrocious. +Don't you know how to cook?" + +I said with a smiling attempt at ease: + +"There are various ways of cooking food for the several species of +mammalia which an all-wise Providence--" + +"Do you think you're cooking for wild-cats?" she demanded. + +Our smiles faded. + +"It's my opinion that you're incompetent," remarked the Reverend Dr. +Jones, slapping at midges with a hand that might have rocked all the +cradles of the nation, but had not rocked any. + +"We're not getting our money's worth," said Miss Dingleheimer, "even if +the Government does pay your salaries." + +I looked appealingly from one stony face to another. In Miss McFadden's +eye there was the somber glint of battle. She said: + +"If you can guide us no better than you cook, God save us all this day +week!" And she hurled the contents of her tin plate into Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury. + +Mrs. Doolittle Batt arose: + +"Come," she said; "it is time we started. What is the name of the first +lake we may hope to encounter?" + +We knew no more than did they, but we said that Lake Gladys Doolittle +Batt was the first, hoping to placate that fearsome woman. + +"Come on, then!" she cried, picking up her carved and varnished mountain +staff. + +Miss Dingleheimer had brought one, too, from the Catskills. + +So Kitten Brown and I loaded our mule, set him in motion, and drove him +forward into the unknown. + +Where we were going we had not the slightest idea; the margin of the lake +was easy travelling, so easy that we never noticed that we had already +gone around the lake three times, until Mrs. Batt recognized the fact and +turned on us furiously. + +I didn't know how to explain it, except to say feebly that I was doing it +as a sort of preliminary canter to harden and inure the ladies. + +"We don't need hardening!" she snarled. "Do you understand that!" + +I comprehended that at once. But I forced a sickly smile and skipped +forward in the wake of my mule, with something of the same abandon +which characterizes the flight of an unwelcome dog. + +In the terrified ear of Kitten I voiced my doubts concerning the +prospects of a pleasant journey. + +We marched in the following order: Arthur, the heavily laden mule, +led; then came Kitten Brown and myself, all hung over with stew-pans, +shotguns, rifles, cartridge-belts, ponchos, and the toilet reticules of +the ladies; then marched the Reverend Dr. Jones, and, in order, filing +behind her, Miss Dingleheimer, Mrs. Batt, Miss McFadden, and Miss +White--the latter in her trained nurse's costume and wearing a red cross +on her sleeve--an idea of Mrs. Batt, who believed in emergency methods. + +Mrs. Batt also bore a banner, much interfered with by the foliage, +bearing the inscription: + + EQUAL RIGHTS! + EUGENICS OR EXTERMINATION! + +After a while she shouted: + +"Guide! Here, you may carry this banner for a while! I'm tired." + +Kitten and I took turns with it after that. It was hard work, +particularly as one by one in turn they came up and hung their parasols +and shopping reticules all over us. We plodded forward like a pair of +moving department stores, not daring to shift our burdens to Arthur, +because we had already stuffed into the panniers of that simple and +dignified animal all our collecting boxes, cyanide jars, butterfly nets, +note-books, reels of piano wire, thermometers, barometers, hydrometers, +stereometers, aeronoids, adnoids--everything, in fact, that guides are +not supposed to pack into the woods, but which we had smuggled unbeknown +to those misguided ones we guided. + +And, to make room for our scientific paraphernalia, we had been obliged +to do a thing so mean, so inexpressibly low, that I blush to relate it. +But facts are facts; we discarded nearly a ton of feminine impedimenta. +There was fancy work of all sorts in the making or in the raw--materials +for knitting, embroidering, tatting, sewing, hemming, stitching, +drawn-work, lace-making, crocheting. + +Also we disposed of almost half a ton of toilet necessities--powder, +perfumery, cosmetics, hot-water bags, slippers, negligees, novels, +magazines, bon-bons, chewing-gum, hat-boxes, gloves, stockings, +underwear. + +We left enough apparel for each lady to change once. They'd have to do +some scrubbing now. Science can not be halted by hatpins; cosmos can not +be side-tracked by cosmetics. + +Toward sunset we came upon a small, crystal clear pond, set between the +bases of several lofty mountains. I was ready to drop with fatigue, but +I nerved myself, drew a deep, exultant breath, and with one of those +fine, sweeping gestures, I cried: + +"Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt! Eureka! At last! Excelsior!" + +There was a profound silence behind me. I turned, striving to mask my +apprehension with a smile. The ladies were regarding the pond in +surprise. I admit that it was a pond, not a lake. + +Injecting into my voice the last remnants of glee which I could summon, I +shouted, "Eureka!" and began to caper about as though the size and beauty +of the pond had affected me with irrepressible enthusiasm, hoping by my +emotion to stampede the convention. + +The cold voice of Mrs. Doolittle Batt checked my transports: + +"Is that puddle named after me?" she demanded. + +"M-ma'am?" I stammered. + +"If that wretched frog-pond has been christened with my name, somebody is +going to get into trouble," she said ominously. + +A profound silence ensued. Arthur patiently switched at flies. As for +me, I looked up at the majestic pines, gazed upon the lofty and eternal +hills, then ventured a sneaking glance all around me. But I could +discover no avenue of escape in case Mrs. Batt should charge me. + +"I had been informed," she began dangerously, "that the majestic body of +water, which I understood had been honoured with my name, was twelve +miles long and three miles wide. This appears to be a puddle!" + +"B-b-but it's very p-pretty," I protested feebly. "It's quite round and +clear, and it's nearly a quarter of a mile in d-diameter--" + +"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Doolittle Batt. "I've been swindled!" + +Kitten Brown knew more about women than did I. He said in a fairly steady +voice: + +"Madame, it is an outrage! The women of this mighty nation should make +the Government answerable for its duplicity! Your lake should have been +at least twenty miles long!" + +Everybody turned and looked at Kitten. He was a handsome dog. + +"This young man appears to have some trace of common-sense," said Mrs. +Batt. "I shall see to it that the Government is held responsible for +this odious act of insulting duplicity. I--I won't have my name given to +this--this wallow!--" She advanced toward me, her small eyes blazing: I +retreated to leeward of Arthur. + +"Guide!" she said in a voice still trembling with passion. "Are you +certain that you have made no mistake? You appear to be unusually +ignorant." + +"I am afraid there can be no room for doubt," I said, almost scared out +of my senses. + +"And on top of this outrage, am I to eat your cooking?" she demanded +passionately. "Did I come here to look at this frog-pond and choke on +your cooking? _Did_ I?" + +"_I_ can cook," said a clear, pleasant voice at my elbow. And Miss White +came forward, cool, clean, fresh as a posy in her uniform and cap. I +immediately got behind her. + +"I can cook very nicely," she said smilingly. "It is part of my +profession, you know. So if you two guides will be kind enough to build +the fire and help me--" She let her violet eyes linger on me for an +instant, then on Brown. A moment later he and I were jostling each other +in our eagerness to obey her slightest suggestion. It is that way with +men. + +So we built her a fire and unpacked our provisions, and we waited very +politely on the ladies when dinner was ready. + +It was a fine dinner--coffee, bacon, flap-jacks, soup, ash-bread, stewed +chicken. + +The heavy artillery, made ravenous by their journey, required vast +quantities of ammunition. They banqueted largely. I gazed in amazement at +Mrs. Doolittle Batt as she swallowed one flap-jack after another, while +her eyes bulged larger and larger. + +Nor was the capacity of Miss Dingleheimer and the Reverend Dr. Jones to +be mocked at by pachyderms. + +Brown and I left them eating while we erected the row of little tents. +Every lady had demanded a separate tent. + +So we cut saplings, set up the silk, drove pegs, and brought armfuls of +balsam boughs. + +I was afraid they'd demand their knitting and other utensils, but they +had eaten to repletion, and were sleepy; and as each toilet case or +reticule contained also a nightgown, they drew the flaps of their several +tents without insisting that we unpack Arthur's panniers. + +They all had disappeared within their tents except Miss White, who +insisted on cooking something for us, although we protested that the +scraps of the banquet were all right for mere guides. + +She stood beside us for a few minutes, watching us busy with our +delicious dinner. + +"You poor fellows," she said gently. "You are nearly starved." + +It is agreeable to be sympathized with by a tall, fair, fresh young girl. +We looked up, simpering gratefully. + +"This is really a most lovely little lake," she said, gazing out across +the still, crystalline water which was all rose and gold in the sunset, +save where the sombre shapes of the towering mountains were mirrored in +glassy depths. + +"It's odd," I said, "that no trout are jumping. There ought to be lots of +them there, and this is their jumping hour." + +We all looked at the quiet, oval bit of water. Not a circle, not the +slightest ripple disturbed it. + +"It must be deep," remarked Brown. + +We gazed up at the three lofty peaks, the bases of which were the shores +of this tiny gem among lakes. Deep, deep, plunging down into dusky +profundity, the rocks fell away sheer into limpid depths. + +"That little lake may be a thousand feet deep," I said. "In 1903 +Professor Farrago, of Bronx Park, measured a lake in the Thunder +Mountains, which was two thousand seven hundred and sixty-nine feet +deep." + +Miss White looked at me curiously. + +Into a patch of late sunshine flitted a small butterfly--one of the +_Grapta_ species. It settled on a chip of wood, uncoiled its delicate +proboscis, and spread its fulvous and deeply indented wings. + +"_Grapta California_," remarked Brown to me. + +"_Vanessa asteriska_" I corrected him. "Note the anal angle of the +secondaries and the argentiferous discal area bordering the subcostal +nervule." + +"The characteristic stripes on the primaries are wanting," he demurred. + +"It is double brooded. The summer form lacks the three darker bands." + +A few moments' silence was broken by the voice of Miss White. + +"I had no idea," she remarked, "that Alaskan guides were so familiar with +entomological terms and nomenclature." + +We both turned very red. + +Brown mumbled something about having picked up a smattering. I added that +Brown had taught me. + +Perhaps she believed us; her blue eyes rested on us curiously, musingly. +Also, at moments, I fancied there was the faintest glint of amusement in +them. + +She said: + +"Two scientific gentlemen from New York requested permission to join this +expedition, but Mrs. Batt refused them." She gazed thoughtfully upon +the waters of Lake Gladys Doolittle Batt. "I wonder," she murmured, "what +became of those two gentlemen." + +It was evident that we had betrayed ourselves to this young girl. + +She glanced at us again, and perhaps she noticed in our fascinated gaze +an expression akin to terror, for suddenly she laughed--such a clear, +sweet, silvery little laugh! + +"For my part," she said, "I wish they had come with us. I like--men." + +With that she bade us goodnight very politely and went off to her tent, +leaving us with our hats pressed against our stomachs, attempting by the +profundity of our bows to indicate the depth of our gratitude. + +"_There's_ a girl!" exclaimed Brown, as soon as she had disappeared +behind her tent flaps. "She'll never let on to Medusa, Xantippe, +Cassandra and Company. I _like_ that girl, Smith." + +"You're not the only one imbued by such sentiments," said I. + +He smiled a fatuous and reminiscent smile. He certainly was good-looking. +Presently he said: + +"She has the most delightful way of gazing at a man--" + +"I've noticed," I said pleasantly. + +"Oh. Did she happen to glance at _you_ that way?" he inquired. I wanted +to beat him. + +All I said was: + +"She's certainly some kitten." Which bottled that young man for a while. + +We lay on the bank of the tiny lake, our backs against a huge pine-tree, +watching the last traces of colour fading from peak and tree-top. + +"Isn't it queer," I said, "that not a trout has splashed? It can't be +that there are no fish in the lake." + +"There _are_ such lakes." + +"Yes, very deep ones. I wonder how deep this is." + +"We'll be out at sunrise with our reel of piano wire and take soundings," +he said. "The heavy artillery won't wake until they're ready to be loaded +with flap-jacks." + +I shuddered: + +"They're fearsome creatures, Brown. Somehow, that resolute and bony one +has inspired me with a terror unutterable." + +"Mrs. Batt?" + +"Yes." + +He said seriously: + +"She'll make a horrid outcry when she asks for her knitting. What are you +going to tell her?" + +"I shall say that Indians ambuscaded us while she was asleep, and carried +off all those things." + +"You lie very nicely, don't you?" he remarked admiringly. + +"_In vitium ducit culpæ fuga_," said I. "Besides, they don't really need +those articles." + +He laughed. He didn't seem to be very much afraid of Mrs. Batt. + +It had grown deliciously dusky, and myriads of stars were coming out. +Little by little the lake lost its shape in the darkness, until only an +irregular, star-set area of quiet water indicated that there was any lake +there at all. + +I remember that Brown and I, reclining at the foot of the tree, were +looking at the still and starry surface of the lake, over which numbers +of bats were darting after insects; and I recollect that I was just about +to speak, when, of a sudden, the silent and luminous surface of the water +was shattered as with a subterranean explosion; a geyser of scintillating +spray shot upward flashing, foaming, towering a hundred feet into the +air. And through it I seemed to catch a glimpse of a vast, quivering, +twisting mass of silver falling back with a crash into the lake, while +the huge fountain rained spray on every side and the little lake rocked +and heaved from shore to shore, sending great sheets of surf up over the +rocks so high that the very tree-tops dripped. + +Petrified, dumb, our senses almost paralyzed by the shock, our ears still +deafened by the watery crash of that gigantic something that had fallen +into the lake, and our eyes starting from their sockets, we stared at the +darkness. + +Slap--slash--slush went the waves, hitting the shore with a clashing +sound almost metallic. Vision and hearing told us that the water in the +lake was rocking like the contents of a bath-tub. + +"G-g-good Lord!" whispered Brown. "Is there a v-volcano under that lake?" + +"Did you see that huge, glittering shape that seemed to fall into the +water?" I gasped. + +"Yes. What was it? A meteor?" + +"No. It was something that first came out of the lake and fell back--the +way a trout leaps. Heavens! It couldn't have been alive, could it?" + +"W-wh-what do you mean?" stammered Brown. + +"It couldn't have been a f-f-fish, could it?" I asked with chattering +teeth. + +"No! _No!_ It was as big as a Pullman car! It must have been a falling +star. Did you ever hear of a fish as big as a sleeping car?" + +I was too thoroughly unnerved to reply. The roaring of the surf had +subsided somewhat, enough for another sound to reach our ears--a raucous, +gallinacious, squawking sound. + +I sprang up and looked at the row of tents. White-robed figures loomed in +front of them. The heavy artillery was evidently frightened. + +[Illustration: "The heavy artillery was evidently frightened."] + +We went over to them, and when we got nearer they chastely scuttled +into their tents and thrust out a row of heads--heads hideous with +curl-papers. + +"What was that awful noise? An earthquake?" shrilled the Reverend Dr. +Jones. "I think I'll go home." + +"Was it an avalanche?" demanded Mrs. Batt, in a deep and shaky voice. +"Are we in any immediate danger, young man?" + +I said that it was probably a flying-star which had happened to strike +the lake and explode. + +"What an awful region!" wailed Miss Dingleheimer. "I've had my money's +worth. I wish to go back to New York at once. I'll begin to dress +immediately--" + +"It might be a million years before another meteor falls in this +latitude," I said, soothingly. + +"Or it might be ten minutes," sobbed Miss Dingleheimer. "What do _you_ +know about it, anyway! I want to go home. I'm putting on my stockings +now. I'm getting dressed as fast as I can--" + +Her voice was blotted out in a mighty crash from the lake. Appalled, I +whirled on my heel, just in time to see another huge jet of water rise +high in the starlight, another, another, until the entire lake was but +a cluster of gigantic geysers exploding a hundred feet in the air, while +through them, falling back into the smother of furious foam, great +silvery bulks dropped crashing, one after another. + +I don't know how long the incredible vision lasted; the woods roared with +the infernal pandemonium, echoed and re-echoed from mountain to mountain; +the tree-tops fairly stormed spray, driving it in sheets through the +leaves; and the shores of the lake spouted surf long after the last vast, +silvery shape had fallen back again into the water. + +As my senses gradually recovered, I found myself supporting Mrs. Batt on +one arm and the Reverend Dr. Jones upon my bosom. Both had fainted. I +released them with a shudder and turned to look for Brown. + +Somebody had swooned in his arms, too. + +[Illustration: "Somebody had swooned in his arms, too."] + +He was not noticing me, and as I approached him I heard him say something +resembling the word "kitten." + +In spite of my demoralization, another fear seized me, and I drew nearer +and peered closely at what he was holding so nobly in his arms. It was, +as I supposed, Angelica White. + +I don't know whether my arrival occultly revived her, for as I stumbled +over a tent-peg she opened her blue eyes, and then disengaged herself +from Brown's arms. + +"Oh, I am _so_ frightened," she murmured. She looked at me sideways when +she said it. + +"Come," said I coldly to Brown, "let Miss White retire and lie down. This +meteoric shower is over and so is the danger." + +He evinced a desire to further soothe and minister to Miss White, but she +said, with considerable composure, that she was feeling better; and Brown +came unwillingly with me to inspect the heavy artillery lines. + +That formidable battery was wrecked, the pieces dismounted and lying +tumbled about in their emplacements. + +But a vigorous course of cold water in dippers revived them, and we +herded them into one tent and quieted them with some soothing +prevarication, the details of which I have forgotten; but it was +something about a flock of meteors which hit the earth every twelve +billion years, and that it was now all over for another such interim, and +everybody could sleep soundly with the consciousness of having assisted +at a spectacle never before beheld except by a primordial protoplasmic +cell. + +Which flattered them, I think, for, seated once more at the base of our +tree, presently we heard weird noises from the reconcentrados, like the +moaning of the harbour bar. + +They slept, the heavy guns, like unawakened engines of destruction all +a-row in battery. But Brown and I, fearfully excited, still dazed and +bewildered, sat with our fascinated eyes fixed on the lake, asking each +other what in the name of miracles it was that we had witnessed and +heard. + +On one thing we were agreed. A scientific discovery of the most enormous +importance awaited our investigation. + +This was no time for temporising, for deception, for any species of +polite shilly-shallying. We must, on the morrow, tear off our masks and +appear before these misguided and feminine victims of our duplicity in +our own characters as scientists. We must boldly avow our identities and +flatly refuse to stir from this spot until the mystery of this astounding +lake had been thoroughly investigated. + +And so, discussing our policy, our plans for the morrow, and mutually +reassuring each other concerning our common ability to successfully defy +the heavy artillery, we finally fell asleep. + + + + +III + + +Dawn awoke me, and I sat up in my blanket and aroused Brown. + +No birds were singing. It seemed unusual, and I spoke of it to Brown. +Never have I witnessed such a still, strange daybreak. Mountains, woods, +and water were curiously silent. There was not a sound to be heard, +nothing stirred except the thin veil of vapour over the water, shreds +of which were now parting from the shore and steaming slowly upward. + +There was, it seemed to me, something slightly uncanny about this lake, +even in repose. The water seemed as translucent as a dark crystal, and +as motionless as the surface of a mirror. Nothing stirred its placid +surface, not a ripple, not an insect, not a leaf floating. + +Brown had lugged the pneumatic raft down to the shore where he was now +pumping it full: I followed with the paddles, pole, and hydroscope. When +the raft had been pumped up and was afloat, we carried the reel of +gossamer piano-wire aboard, followed it, pushed off, and paddled quietly +through the level cobwebs of mist toward the centre of the lake. From +the shore I heard a gruesome noise. It originated under one of the row of +tents of the heavy artillery. Medusa, snoring, was an awesome sound in +that wilderness and solitude of dawn. + +I was unscrewing the centre-plug from the raft and screwing into the +empty socket the lens of the hydroscope and attaching the battery, while +Brown started his sounding; and I was still busy when an exclamation from +my companion started me: + +"We're breaking some records! Do you know it, Smith?" + +"Where is the lead?" + +"Three hundred fathoms and still running!" + +"Nonsense!" + +"Look at it yourself! It goes on unreeling: I've put the drag on. Hurry +and adjust the hydroscope!" + +I sighted the powerful instrument for two thousand feet, altering it from +minute to minute as Brown excitedly announced the amazing depth of the +lake. When he called out four thousand feet, I stared at him. + +"There's something wrong--" I began. + +"There's _nothing_ wrong!" he interrupted. "Four thousand five hundred! +Five thousand! Five thousand five hundred--" + +"Are you squatting there and trying to tell me that this lake is over a +mile deep!" + +"Look for yourself!" he said in an unsteady voice. "Here is the tape! You +can read, can't you? Six thousand feet--and running evenly. Six thousand +five hundred!... Seven thousand! Seven thousand five--" + +"It _can't_ be!" I protested. + +But it was true. Astounded, I continued to adjust the hydroscope to a +range incredible, turning the screw to focus at a mile and a half, at two +miles, at two and a quarter, a half, three-quarters, three miles, three +miles and a quarter--click! + +"Good Heavens!" he whispered. "This lake is three miles and a quarter +deep!" + +Mechanically I set the lachet, screwed the hood firm, drew out the black +eye-mask, locked it, then, kneeling on the raft I rested my face in the +mask, felt for the lever, and switched on the electric light. + +Quicker than thought the solid lance of dazzling light plunged down +through profundity, and the vast abyss of water was revealed along its +pathway. + +Nothing moved in those tremendous depths except, nearly two miles below, +a few spots of tinsel glittered and drifted like flakes of mica. + +At first I scarcely noticed them, supposing them to be vast beds of +silvery bottom sand glittering under the electric pencil of the +hydroscope. But presently it occurred to me that these brilliant specks +in motion were not on the bottom--were a little less than two miles deep, +and therefore suspended. + +To be seen at all, at two miles' depth, whatever they were they must have +considerable bulk. + +"Do you see anything?" demanded Brown. + +"Some silvery specks at a depth of two miles." + +"What do they look like?" + +"Specks." + +"Are they in motion?" + +"They seem to be." + +"Do they come any nearer?" + +After a while I answered: + +"One of the specks seems to be growing larger.... I believe it is +in motion and is floating slowly upward.... It's certainly getting +bigger.... It's getting longer." + +"Is it a fish?" + +"It can't be." + +"Why not?" + +"It's impossible. Fish don't attain the size of whales in mountain +ponds." + +There was a silence. After an interval I said: + +"Brown, I don't know what to make of that thing." + +"Is it coming any nearer?" + +"Yes." + +"What does it look like now?" + +"It _looks_ like a fish. But it can't be. It looks like a tiny, silver +minnow. But it can't be. Why, if it resembles a minnow in size at this +distance--what can be its actual dimensions?" + +"Let me look," he said. + +Unwillingly I raised my head from the mask and yielded him my place. + +A long silence followed. The western mountain-tops reddened under the +rising sun; the sky grew faintly bluer. Yet, there was not a bird-note in +that still place, not a flash of wings, nothing stirring. + +Here and there along the lake shore I noticed unusual-looking trees--very +odd-looking trees indeed, for their trunks seemed bleached and dead, and +as though no bark covered them, yet every stark limb was covered with +foliage--a thick foliage so dark in colour that it seemed black to me. + +I glanced at my motionless companion where he knelt with his face in the +mask, then I unslung my field-glasses and focussed them on the nearest of +the curious trees. + +At first I could not quite make out what I was looking at; then, to my +astonishment, I saw that these stark, gray trees were indeed lifeless, +and that what I had mistaken for dark foliage were velvety clusters of +bats hanging there asleep--thousands of them thickly infesting and +clotting the dead branches with a sombre and horrid effect of foliage. + +I don't mind bats in ordinary numbers. But in such soft, motionless +masses they slightly sickened me. There must have been literally tons +of them hanging to the dead trees. + +"This is pleasant," I said. "Look at those bats, Brown." + +When Brown spoke without lifting his head, his voice was so shaken, so +altered, that the mere sound of it scared me: + +"Smith," he said, "there is a fish in here, shaped exactly like a brook +minnow. And I should judge, by the depth it is swimming in, that it is +about as long as an ordinary Pullman car." + +His voice shook, but his words were calm to the point of commonplace. +Which made the effect of his statement all the more terrific. + +"A--a _minnow_--as big as a Pullman car?" I repeated, dazed. + +"Larger, I think.... It looks to me through the hydroscope, at +this distance, exactly like a tiny, silvery minnow. It's half a mile +down.... Swimming about.... I can see its eyes; they must be about ten +feet in diameter. I can see its fins moving. And there are about a dozen +others, much deeper, swimming around.... This is easily the most +overwhelming contribution made to science since the discovery of the +purple-spotted dingle-bock, _Bukkus dinglii_.... We've got to catch one +of those gigantic fish!" + +"How?" I gasped. "How are we going to catch a minnow as large as a +sleeping car?" + +"I don't know, but we've got to do it. We've got to manage it, somehow." + +"It would require a steel cable to hold such a fish and a donkey engine +to reel him in! And what about a hook? And if we had hook, line, +steam-winch, and everything else, _what_ about bait?" + +He knelt for some time longer, watching the fish, before he resigned the +hydroscope to me. Then I watched it; but it came no nearer, seeming +contented to swim about at the depth of a little more than half a mile. +Deep under this fish I could see others glittering as they sailed or +darted to and fro. + +Presently I raised my head and sat thinking. The sun now gilded the +water; a little breeze ruffled it here and there where dainty cat's-paws +played over the surface. + +"What on earth do you suppose those gigantic fish feed on?" asked Brown +under his breath. + +I thought a moment longer, then it came to me in a flash of +understanding, and I pointed at the dead trees. + +"Bats!" I muttered. "They feed on bats as other fish feed on the little, +gauzy-winged flies which dance over ponds! You saw those bats flying over +the pond last night, didn't you? That explains the whole thing! Don't you +understand? Why, what we saw were these gigantic fish leaping like trout +after the bats. It was their feeding time!" + +I do not imagine that two more excited scientists ever existed than Brown +and I. The joy of discovery transfigured us. Here we had discovered a +lake in the Thunder Mountains which was the deepest lake in the world; +and it was inhabited by a few gigantic fish of the minnow species, the +existence of which, hitherto, had never even been dreamed of by science. + +"Kitten," I said, my voice broken by emotion, "which will you have named +after you, the lake or the fish? Shall it be Lake Kitten Brown, or shall +it be _Minnius kittenii_? Speak!" + +"What about that old party whose name you said had already been given to +the lake?" he asked piteously. + +"Who? Mrs. Batt? Do you think I'd name such an important lake after +_her_? Anyway, she has declined the honour." + +"Very well," he said, "I'll accept it. And the fish shall be known as +_Minnius Smithii_!" + +Too deeply moved to speak, we bent over and shook hands with each other. +In that solemn and holy moment, surcharged with ecstatic emotion, a deep, +distant reverberation came across the water to our ears. It was the heavy +artillery, snoring. + +Never can I forget that scene; sunshine glittering on the pond, the +silent forests and towering peaks, the blue sky overhead, the dead trees +where thousands of bats hung in nauseating clusters, thicker than the +leaves in Valembrosa--and Kitten Brown and I, cross-legged upon our +pneumatic raft, hands clasped in pledge of deathless devotion to science +and a fraternity unending. + +"And how about that girl?" he asked. + +"What girl?" + +"Angelica White?" + +"Well," said I, "_what_ about her?" + +"Does she go with the lake or with the fish?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked coldly, withdrawing my hand from his clasp. + +"I mean, which of us gets the first chance to win her?" he said, +blushing. "There's no use denying that we both have been bowled over +by her; is there?" + +I pondered for several moments. + +"She is an extremely intelligent girl," I said, stalling. + +"Yes, and then some." + +After a few minutes' further thought, I said: + +"Possibly I am in error, but at moments it has seemed to me that my +marked attentions to Miss White are not wholly displeasing to her. I may +be mistaken--" + +"I think you are, Smith." + +"Why?" + +"Because--well, because I seem to think so." + +I said coldly: + +"Because she happened to faint away in your arms last night is no symptom +that she prefers you. Is it?" + +"No." + +"Then why do you seem to think that tactful, delicate, and assiduous +attentions on my part may prove not entirely unwelcome to this unusually +intelligent--" + +"Smith!" + +"What?" + +"Miss White is not only a trained nurse, but she also is about to receive +her diploma as a physician." + +"How do you know?" + +"She told me." + +"When?" + +"When you were building the fire last night. Also, she informed me that +she had relentlessly dedicated herself to a eugenic marriage." + +"When did she tell you _that_?" + +"While you were bringing in a bucket of water from the lake last night. +And furthermore, she told me that _I_ was perfectly suited for a eugenic +marriage." + +"_When_ did she tell you _that_?" I demanded. + +"When she had--fainted--in my arms." + +"How the devil did she come to say a thing like that?" + +He became conspicuously red about the ears: + +"Well, I had just told her that I had fallen in love with her--" + +"Damn!" I said. And that's all I said; and seizing a paddle I made +furiously for shore. Behind me I heard the whirr of the piano wire as +Brown started the electric reel. Later I heard him clamping the hood on +the hydroscope; but I was too disgusted for any further words, and I dug +away at the water with my paddle. + +In various and weird stages of morning déshabillé the heavy artillery +came down to the shore for morning ablutions, all a-row like a file of +ducks. + +They glared at me as I leaped ashore: + +"I want my breakfast!" snapped Mrs. Batt. "Do you hear what I say, guide? +And I don't wish to be kept waiting for it either! I desire to get out of +this place as soon as possible." + +"I'm sorry," I said, "but I intend to stay here for some time." + +"What!" bawled the heavy artillery in booming unison. + +But my temper had been sorely tried, and I was in a mood to tell the +truth and make short work of it, too. + +"Ladies," I said, "I'll not mince matters. Mr. Brown and I are not +guides; we are scientists from Bronx Park, and we don't know a bally +thing about this wilderness we're in!" + +"Swindler!" shouted Mrs. Batt, in an enraged voice. "I knew very well +that the United States Government would never have named that puddle of +water after _me_!" + +"Don't worry, madam! I've named it after Mr. Brown. And the new species +of gigantic fish which I discovered in this lake I have named after +myself. As for leaving this spot until I have concluded my scientific +study of these fish, I simply won't. I intend to observe their habits and +to capture one of them if it requires the remainder of my natural life to +do so. I shall be sorry to detain you here during such a period, but it +can't be helped. And now you know what the situation is, and you are at +liberty to think it over after you have washed your countenances in Lake +Kitten Brown." + +Rage possessed the heavy artillery, and a fury indescribable seized them +when they discovered that Indians had raided their half ton of feminine +perquisites. I went up a tree. + +When the tumult had calmed sufficiently for them to distinguish what I +said, I made a speech to them. From the higher branches of a neighboring +tree Kitten Brown applauded and cried, "Hear! Hear!" + +"Ladies," I said, "you know the worst, now. If you keep me up this tree +and starve me to death it will be murder. Also, you don't know enough to +get out of these forests, but I can guide you back the way you came. I'll +do it if you cease your dangerous demonstrations and permit Mr. Brown and +myself to remain here and study these giant fish for a week or two." + +[Illustration: "'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death +it will be murder.'"] + +They now seemed disposed to consider the idea. There was nothing else for +them to do. So after an hour or two, Brown and I ventured to descend from +our trees, and we went among them to placate them and ingratiate +ourselves as best we might. + +"Think," I argued, "what a matchless opportunity for you to be among the +first discoverers of a totally new and undescribed species of giant fish! +Think what a legacy it will be to leave such a record to posterity! Think +how proud and happy your descendants will be to know that their ancestors +assisted at the discovery of _Minnius Smithii_!" + +"Why can't they be named after _me_?" demanded Mrs. Batt. + +"Because," I explained patiently, "they have already been named after +_me_!" + +"Couldn't _something_ be named after me?" inquired that fearsome lady. + +"The bats," suggested Brown politely, "we could name a bat after you with +pleasure--" + +I thought for a moment she meant to swing on him. He thought so, too, and +ducked. + +"A bat!" she shouted. "Name a _bat_ after _me_!" + +"Many a celebrated scientist has been honoured by having his name +conferred upon humbler fauna," I explained. + +But she remained dangerous, so I went and built the fire, and squatted +there, frying bacon, while on the other side of the fire, sitting side +by side, Kitten Brown and Angelica White gazed upon each other with +enraptured eyes. It was slightly sickening--but let that pass. I was +beginning to understand that science is a jealous mistress and that any +contemplated infidelity of mine stood every chance of being squelched. +No; evidently I had not been fashioned for the joys of legal domesticity. +Science, the wanton jade, had not yet finished her dance with me. +Apparently my maxixe with her was to be external. _Fides servanda est._ + + * * * * * + +That afternoon the heavy artillery held a council of war, and evidently +came to a conclusion to make the best of the situation, for toward +sundown they accosted me with a request for the raft, explaining that +they desired to picnic aboard and afterward row about the lake and +indulge in song. + +So Brown and I put aboard the craft a substantial cold supper; and the +heavy artillery embarked, taking aboard a guitar to be worked by Miss +Dingleheimer, and knitting for the others. + +It was a lovely evening. Brown and I had been discussing a plan to +dynamite the lake and stun the fish, that method appealing to us as the +only possible way to secure a specimen of the stupendous minnows which +inhabited the depths. In fact, it was our only hope of possessing one of +these creatures--fishing with a donkey engine, steel cable, and a hook +baited with a bat being too uncertain and far more laborious and +expensive. + +I was still smoking my pipe, seated at the foot of the big pine-tree, +watching the water turn from gold to pink: Brown sat higher up the slope, +his arm around Angelica White. I carefully kept my back toward them. + +On the lake the heavy artillery were revelling loudly, banqueting, +singing, strumming the guitar, and trailing their hands overboard across +the sunset-tinted water. + +I was thinking of nothing in particular as I now remember, except that I +noticed the bats beginning to flit over the lake; when Brown called to me +from the slope above, asking whether it was perfectly safe for the heavy +artillery to remain out so late. + +"Why?" I demanded. + +"Suppose," he shouted, "that those fish should begin to jump and feed on +the bats again?" + +I had never thought of that. + +I rose and hurried nervously down to the shore, and, making a megaphone +of my hands, I shouted: + +"Come in! It isn't safe to remain out any longer!" + +Scornful laughter from the artillery answered my appeal. + +"You'd better come in!" I called. "You can't tell what might happen if +any of those fish should jump." + +"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Batt. "We've had enough of your +prevarications--" + +Then, suddenly, without the faintest shadow of warning, from the centre +of the lake a vast geyser of water towered a hundred feet in the air. + +For one dreadful second I saw the raft hurled skyward, balanced on the +crest of the stupendous fountain, spilling ladies, supper, guitars, and +knitting in every direction. + +Then a horrible thing occurred; fish after fish shot up out of the storm +of water and foam, seizing, as they fell, ladies, luncheon, and knitting +in mid-air, falling back with a crashing shock which seemed to rock the +very mountains. + +[Illustration: "Then a horrible thing occurred."] + +"Help!" I screamed. And fainted dead away. + + * * * * * + +Is it necessary to proceed? Literature nods; Science shakes her head. No, +nothing but literature lies beyond the ripples which splashed musically +upon the shore, terminating forever the last vibration from that +immeasurable catastrophe. + +Why should I go on? The newspapers of the nation have recorded the last +scenes of the tragedy. + +We know that tons of dynamite are being forwarded to that solitary lake. +We know that it is the determination of the Government to rid the world +of those gigantic minnows. + +And yet, somehow, it seems to me as I sit writing here in my office, amid +the verdure of Bronx Park, that the destruction of these enormous fish is +a mistake. + +What more splendid sarcophagus could the ladies of the lake desire than +these huge, silvery, itinerant and living tombs? + +What reward more sumptuous could anybody wish for than to rest at last +within the interior dimness of an absolutely new species of anything? + +For me, such a final repose as this would represent the highest pinnacle +of sublimity, the uttermost zenith of mortal dignity. + + * * * * * + +So what more is there for me to say? + +As for Angelica--but no matter. I hope she may be comparatively happy +with Kitten Brown. Yet, as I have said before, handsome men never last. +But she should have thought of that in time. + +I absolve myself of all responsibility. She had her chance. + + + + +ONE OVER + + + + +I + + +Professor Farrago had remarked to me that morning: + +"The city of New York always reminds me of a slovenly, fat woman with her +dress unbuttoned behind." + +I nodded. + +"New York's architecture," said I, "--or what popularly passes for +it--is all in front. The minute you get to the rear a pitiable condition +is exposed." + +He said: "Professor Jane Bottomly is all façade; the remainder of her is +merely an occiputal backyard full of theoretical tin cans and broken +bottles. I think we all had better resign." + +It was a fearsome description. I trembled as I lighted an inexpensive +cigar. + +The sentimental feminist movement in America was clearly at the bottom of +the Bottomly affair. + +Long ago, in a reactionary burst of hysteria, the North enfranchised the +Ethiopian. In a similar sentimental explosion of dementia, some sixty +years later, the United States wept violently over the immemorial wrongs +perpetrated upon the restless sex, opened the front and back doors of +opportunity, and sobbed out, "Go to it, ladies!" + +They are still going. + +Professor Jane Bottomly was wished on us out of a pleasant April sky. She +fell like a meteoric mass of molten metal upon the Bronx Park Zoölogical +Society splashing her excoriating personality over everybody until +everybody writhed. + +I had not yet seen the lady. I did not care to. Sooner or later I'd be +obliged to meet her but I was not impatient. + +Now the Field Expeditionary Force of the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society +is, perhaps, the most important arm of the service. Professor Bottomly +had just been appointed official head of all field work. Why? Nobody +knew. It is true that she had written several combination nature and love +romances. In these popular volumes trees, flowers, butterflies, birds, +animals, dialect, sobs, and sun-bonnets were stirred up together into a +saccharine mess eagerly gulped down by a provincial reading public, which +immediately protruded its tongue for more. + +The news of her impending arrival among us was an awful blow to everybody +at the Bronx. Professor Farrago fainted in the arms of his pretty +stenographer; Professor Cornelius Lezard of the Batrachian Department ran +around his desk all day long in narrowing circles and was discovered on +his stomach still feebly squirming like an expiring top; Dr. Hans Fooss, +our beloved Professor of Pachydermatology sat for hours weeping into his +noodle soup. As for me, I was both furious and frightened, for, within +the hearing of several people, Professor Bottomly had remarked in a very +clear voice to her new assistant, Dr. Daisy Delmour, that she intended to +get rid of me for the good of the Bronx because of my reputation for +indiscreet gallantry among the feminine employees of the Bronx Society. + +Professor Lezard overhead that outrageous remark and he hastened to +repeat it to me. + +I was lunching at the time in my private office in the Administration +Building with Dr. Hans Fooss--he and I being too busy dissecting an +unusually fine specimen of Dingue to go to the Rolling Stone Inn for +luncheon--when Professor Lezard rushed in with the scandalous libel still +sizzling in his ears. + +"Everybody heard her say it!" he went on, wringing his hands. "It was a +most unfortunate thing for anybody to say about you before all those +young ladies. Every stenographer and typewriter there turned pale and +then red." + +"What!" I exclaimed, conscious that my own ears were growing large and +hot. "Did that outrageous woman have the bad taste to say such a thing +before all those sensitive girls!" + +"She did. She glared at them when she said it. Several blondes and one +brunette began to cry." + +"I hope," said I, a trifle tremulously, "that no typewriter so far forgot +herself as to admit noticing playfulness on my part." + +"They all were tearfully unanimous in declaring you to be a perfect +gentleman!" + +"I am," I said. "I am also a married man--irrevocably wedded to science. +I desire no other spouse. I am ineligible; and everybody knows it. If at +times a purely scientific curiosity leads me into a detached and +impersonally psychological investigation of certain--ah--feminine +idiosyncrasies--" + +"Certainly," said Lezard. "To investigate the feminine is more than a +science; it is a duty!" + +"Of a surety!" nodded Dr. Fooss. + +I looked proudly upon my two loyal friends and bit into my cheese +sandwich. Only men know men. A jury of my peers had exonerated me. What +did I care for Professor Bottomly! + +"All the same," added Lezard, "you'd better be careful or Professor +Bottomly will put one over on you yet." + +"I am always careful," I said with dignity. + +"All men should be. It is the only protection of a defenseless coast +line," nodded Lezard. + +"Und neffer, neffer commid nodding to paper," added Dr. Fooss. "Don'd +neffer write it, 'I lofe you like I was going to blow up alretty!' Ach, +nein! Don'd you write down somedings. Effery man he iss entitled to +protection; und so iss it he iss protected." + +Stein in hand he beamed upon us benevolently over his knifeful of +sauerfisch, then he fed himself and rammed it down with a hearty draught +of Pilsner. We gazed with reverence upon Kultur as embodied in this great +Teuton. + +"That woman," remarked Lezard to me, "certainly means to get rid of you. +It seems to me that there are only two possible ways for you to hold down +your job at the Bronx. You know it, don't you?" + +I nodded. "Yes," I said; "either I must pay marked masculine attention to +Professor Bottomly or I must manage to put one over on her." + +"Of course," said Lezard, "the first method is the easier for _you_--" + +"Not for a minute!" I said, hastily; "I simply couldn't become frolicsome +with her. You say she's got a voice like a drill-sergeant and she +goose-steps when she walks; and I don't mind admitting she has me badly +scared already. No; she must be scientifically ruined. It is the only +method which makes her elimination certain." + +"But if her popular nature books didn't ruin her scientifically, how can +we hope to lead her astray?" inquired Lezard. + +"There is," I said, thoughtfully, "only one thing that can really ruin a +scientist. Ridicule! I have braved it many a time, taking my scientific +life in my hands in pursuit of unknown specimens which might have proved +only imaginary. Public ridicule would have ended my scientific career in +such an event. I know of no better way to end Professor Bottomly's +scientific career and capability for mischief than to start her out after +something which doesn't exist, inform the newspapers, and let her suffer +the agonising consequences." + +Dr. Fooss began to shout: + +"The idea iss schön! colossal! prachtvol! ausgezeichnet! wunderbar! +wunderschön! gemütlich--" A large, tough noodle checked him. While he +labored with Teutonic imperturbability to master it Lezard and I +exchanged suggestions regarding the proposed annihilation of this +fearsome woman who had come ravening among us amid the peaceful and +soporific environment of Bronx Park. + +It was a dreadful thing for us to have our balmy Lotus-eaters' paradise +so startlingly invaded by a large, loquacious, loud-voiced lady who had +already stirred us all out of our agreeable, traditional and leisurely +inertia. Inertia begets cogitation, and cogitation begets ideas, and +ideas beget reflexion, and profound reflexion is the fundamental +cornerstone of that immortal temple in which the goddess Science sits +asleep between her dozing sisters, Custom and Religion. + +This thought seemed to me so unusually beautiful that I wrote it with a +pencil upon my cuff. + +While I was writing it, quietly happy in the deep pleasure that my +intellectual allegory afforded me, Dr. Fooss swabbed the last morsel of +nourishment from his plate with a wad of rye bread, then bolting the +bread and wiping his beard with his fingers and his fingers on his +waistcoat, he made several guttural observations too profoundly German +to be immediately intelligible, and lighted his porcelain pipe. + +"Ach wass!" he remarked in ruminative fashion. "Dot Frauenzimmer she iss +to raise hell alretty determined. Von Pachydermatology she knows nodding. +Maybe she leaves me alone, maybe it is to be 'raus mit me. I' weis' ni'! +It iss aber besser one over on dat lady to put, yess?" + +"It certainly is advisable," replied Lezard. + +"Let us try to think of something sufficiently disastrous to terminate +her scientific career," said I. And I bowed my rather striking head and +rested the point of my forefinger upon my forehead. Thought crystallises +more quickly for me when I assume this attitude. + +Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lezard fold his arms and sit frowning +at infinity. + +Dr. Fooss lay back in a big, deeply padded armchair and closed his +prominent eyes. His pipe went out presently, and now and then he made +long-drawn nasal remarks, in German, too complicated for either Lezard or +for me to entirely comprehend. + +"We must try to get her as far away from here as possible," mused Lezard. +"Is Oyster Bay _too_ far and too cruel?" + +I pondered darkly upon the suggestion. But it seemed unpleasantly like +murder. + +"Lezard," said I, "come, let us reason together. Now _what_ is woman's +besetting emotion?" + +"Curiosity?" + +"Very well; assuming that to be true, what--ah--quality particularly +characterizes woman when so beset." + +"Ruthless determination." + +"Then," said I, "we ought to begin my exciting the curiosity of Professor +Bottomly; and her ruthless determination to satisfy that curiosity should +logically follow." + +"How," he asked, "are we to arouse her curiosity?" + +"By pretending that we have knowledge of something hitherto undiscovered, +the discovery of which would redound to our scientific glory." + +"I see. She'd want the glory for herself. She'd swipe it." + +"She would," said I. + +"Tee--hee!" he giggled; "Wouldn't it be funny to plant something phony on +her--" + +I waved my arms rather gracefully in my excitement: + +"That is the germ of an idea!" I said. "If we could plant +something--something--far away from here--very far away--if we could +bury something--like the Cardiff Giant--" + +"Hundreds and hundreds of miles away!" + +"Thousands!" I insisted, enthusiastically. + +"Tee-hee! In Tasmania, for example! Maybe a Tasmanian Devil might acquire +her!" + +"There exists a gnat," said I, "in Borneo--_Gnatus soporificus_--and +when this tiny gnat stings people they never entirely wake up. It's +really rather a pleasurable catastrophe, I understand. Life becomes +one endless cat-nap--one delightful siesta, with intervals for light +nourishment.... She--ah--could sit very comfortably in some pleasant +retreat and rock in a rocking-chair and doze quite happily through the +years to come.... And from your description of her I should say that +the Soldiers' Home might receive her." + +"It won't do," he said, gloomily. + +"Why? Is it too much like crime?" + +"Oh not at all. Only if she went to Borneo she'd be sure to take a +mosquito-bar with her." + +In the depressed silence which ensued Dr. Fooss suddenly made several +Futurist observations through his nose with monotonous but authoritative +regularity. I tried to catch his meaning and his eye. The one remained +cryptic, the other shut. + +Lezard sat thinking very hard. And as I fidgetted in my chair, fiddling +nervously with various objects lying on my desk I chanced to pick up a +letter from the pile of still unopened mail at my elbow. + +Still pondering on Professor Bottomly's proposed destruction, I turned +the letter over idly and my preoccupied gaze rested on the postmark. +After a moment I leaned forward and examined it more attentively. The +letter directed to me was postmarked Fort Carcajou, Cook's Peninsula, +Baffin Land; and now I recalled the handwriting, having already seen it +three or four times within the last month or so. + +"Lezard," I said, "that lunatic trapper from Baffin Land has written to +me again. What do you suppose is the matter with him? Is he just plain +crazy or does he think he can be funny with me?" + +Lezard gazed at me absently. Then, all at once a gleam of savage interest +lighted his somewhat solemn features. + +"Read the letter to me," he said, with an evil smile which instantly +animated my own latent imagination. And immediately it occurred to me +that perhaps, in the humble letter from the wilds of Baffin Land, which I +was now opening with eager and unsteady fingers, might lie concealed the +professional undoing of Professor Jane Bottomly, and the only hope of my +own ultimate and scientific salvation. + +The room became hideously still as I unfolded the pencil-scrawled sheets +of cheap, ruled letter paper. + +Dr. Fooss opened his eyes, looked at me, made porcine sounds indicative +of personal well-being, relighted his pipe, and disposed himself to +listen. But just as I was about to begin, Lezard suddenly laid his +forefinger across his lips conjuring us to densest silence. + +For a moment or two I heard nothing except the buzzing of flies. Then +I stole a startled glance at my door. It was opening slowly, almost +imperceptibly. + +But it did not open very far--just a crack remained. Then, listening with +all our might, we heard the cautiously suppressed breathing of somebody +in the hallway just outside of my door. + +Lezard turned and cast at me a glance of horrified intelligence. In dumb +pantomime he outlined in the air, with one hand, the large and feminine +amplification of his own person, conveying to us the certainty of his +suspicions concerning the unseen eavesdropper. + +We nodded. We understood perfectly that _she_ was out there prepared to +listen to every word we uttered. + +A flicker of ferocious joy disturbed Lezard's otherwise innocuous +features; he winked horribly at Dr. Fooss and at me, and uttered a faint +click with his teeth and tongue like the snap of a closing trap. + +"Gentlemen," he said, in the guarded yet excited voice of a man who is +confident of not being overheard, "the matter under discussion admits of +only one interpretation: a discovery--perhaps the most vitally important +discovery of all the centuries--is imminent. + +"Secrecy is imperative; the scientific glory is to be shared by us alone, +and there is enough of glory to go around. + +"Mr. Chairman, I move that epoch-making letter be read aloud!" + +"I second dot motion!" said Dr. Fooss, winking so violently at me that +his glasses wabbled. + +"Gentlemen," said I, "it has been moved and seconded that this +epoch-making letter be read aloud. All those in favor will kindly +say 'aye.'" + +"Aye! Aye!" they exclaimed, fairly wriggling in their furtive joy. + +"The contrary-minded will kindly emit the usual negation," I went +on.... "It seems to be carried.... It _is_ carried. The chairman will +proceed to the reading of the epoch-making letter." + +I quietly lighted a five-cent cigar, unfolded the letter and read aloud: + + "Joneses Shack, + + Golden Glacier, + Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land, + + March 15, 1915. + + "Professor, Dear Sir: + + "I already wrote you three times no answer having been rec'd perhaps + you think I'm kiddin' you're a dam' liar I ain't. + + "Hoping to tempt you to come I will hereby tell you more'n I told you + in my other letters, the terminal moraine of this here Golden Glacier + finishes into a marsh, nothing to see for miles excep' frozen tussock + and mud and all flat as hell for fifty miles which is where I am + trappin' it for mink and otter and now ready to go back to Fort + Carcajou. i told you what I seen stickin' in under this here marsh, + where anything sticks out the wolves have eat it, but most of them + there ellerphants is in under the ice and mud too far for the wolves to + git 'em. + + "i ain't kiddin' you, there is a whole herd of furry ellerphants in the + marsh like as they were stuck there and all lay down and was drownded + like. Some has tusks and some hasn't. Two ellerphants stuck out of the + ice, I eat onto one, the meat was good and sweet and joosy, the damn + wolves eat it up that night, I had cut stakes and rost for three months + though and am eating off it yet. + + "Thinking as how ellerphants and all like that is your graft, I being + a keeper in the Mouse House once in the Bronx and seein' you nosin' + around like you was full of scientific thinks, it comes to me to write + you and put you next. + + "If you say so I'll wait here and help you with them ellerphants. + Livin' wages is all I ask also eleven thousand dollars for tippin' you + wise. I won't tell nobody till I hear from you. I'm hones' you can + trus' me. Write me to Fort Carcajou if you mean bizness. So no more + respectfully, + + James Skaw." + +When I finished reading I cautiously glanced at the door, and, finding it +still on the crack, turned and smiled subtly upon Lezard and Fooss. + +In their slowly spreading grins I saw they agreed with me that somebody, +signing himself James Skaw, was still trying to hoax the Great Zoölogical +Society of Bronx Park. + +"Gentlemen," I said aloud, injecting innocent enthusiasm into my voice, +"this secret expedition to Baffin Land which we three are about to +organise is destined to be without doubt the most scientifically prolific +field expedition ever organised by man. + +"Imagine an entire herd of mammoths preserved in mud and ice through all +these thousands of years! + +"Gentlemen, no discovery ever made has even remotely approached in +importance the discovery made by this simple, illiterate trapper, James +Skaw." + +"I thought," protested Lezard, "that _we_ are to be announced as the +discoverers." + +"We are," said I, "the discoverers of James Skaw, which makes +us technically the finders of the ice-preserved herd of +mammoths--_technically_, you understand. A few thousand dollars," +I added, carelessly, "ought to satiate James Skaw." + +"We could name dot glacier after him," suggested Dr. Fooss. + +"Certainly--the Skaw Glacier. That ought to be enough glory for him. It +ought to satisfy him and prevent any indiscreet remarks," nodded Lezard. + +"Gentlemen," said I, "there is only one detail that really troubles me. +Ought we to notify our honoured and respected Chief of Division +concerning this discovery?" + +"Do you mean, should we tell that accomplished and fascinating lady, +Professor Bottomly, about this herd of mammoths?" I asked in a loud, +clear voice. And immediately answered my own question: "No," I said, "no, +dear friends. Professor Bottomly already has too much responsibility +weighing upon her distinguished mind. No, dear brothers in science, we +should steal away unobserved as though setting out upon an ordinary field +expedition. And when we return with fresh and immortal laurels such as no +man before has ever worn, no doubt that our generous-minded Chief of +Division will weave for us further wreaths to crown our brows--the +priceless garlands of professional approval!" And I made a horrible face +at my co-conspirators. + +Before I finished Lezard had taken his own face in his hands for the +purpose of stifling raucous and untimely mirth. As for Dr. Fooss, his +small, porcine eyes snapped and twinkled madly behind his spectacles, but +he seemed rather inclined to approve my flowers of rhetoric. + +"Ja," said he, "so iss it besser oursellufs dot gefrozenss herd von +elephanten to discover, und, by and by, die elephanten bei der Pronx Bark +home yet again once more to bring. We shall therefore much praise thereby +bekommen. Ach wass!" + +"Gentlemen," said I, distinctly, "it is decided, then, that we shall say +nothing concerning the true object of this expedition to Professor +Bottomly." + +Lezard and Fooss nodded assent. Then, in the silence, we all strained our +ears to listen. And presently we detected the scarcely heard sound of +cautiously retreating footsteps down the corridor. + +When it was safe to do so I arose and closed my door. + +"I think," said I, with a sort of infernal cheerfulness in my tones, +"that we are about to do something jocose to Jane Bottomly." + +"A few," said Professor Lezard. He rose and silently executed a +complicated ballet-step. + +"I shall laff," said Dr. Fooss, earnestly, "und I shall laff, und I shall +laff--ach Gott how I shall laff my pally head off!" + +I folded my arms and turned romanesquely toward the direction in which +Professor Bottomly had retreated. + +"Viper!" I said. "The Bronx shall nourish you in its bosom no more! Fade +away, Ophidian!" + +The sentiment was applauded by all. There chanced to be in my desk a +bottle marked: "That's all!" On the label somebody had written: "Do it +now!" We did. + + + + +III + + +It was given out at the Bronx that our field expedition to Baffin +Land was to be undertaken solely for the purpose of bringing back +living specimens of the five-spotted Arctic woodcock--_Philohela +quinquemaculata_--in order to add to our onomatology and our glossary +of onomatopoeia an ontogenesis of this important but hitherto unstudied +sub-species. + +I trust I make myself clear. Scientific statements should be as clear as +the Spuyten Duyvil. _Sola in stagno salus!_ + +But two things immediately occurred which worried us; Professor Bottomly +sent us official notification that she approved our expedition to Baffin +Land, designated the steamer we were to take, and enclosed tickets. That +scared us. Then to add to our perplexity Professor Bottomly disappeared, +leaving Dr. Daisy Delmour in charge of her department during what she +announced might be "a somewhat prolonged absence on business." + +And during the four feverish weeks of our pretended preparations for +Baffin Land not one word did we hear from Jane Bottomly, which caused us +painful inquietude as the hour approached for our departure. + +Was this formidable woman actually intending to let us depart alone +for the Golden Glacier? Was she too lazy to rob us of the secretly +contemplated glory which we had pretended awaited us? + +We had been so absolutely convinced that she would forbid our expedition, +pack us off elsewhere, and take charge herself of an exploring party to +Baffin Land, that, as the time for our leaving drew near we became first +uneasy, and then really alarmed. + +It would be a dreadful jest on us if she made us swallow our own +concoction; if she revealed to our colleagues our pretended knowledge of +the Golden Glacier and James Skaw and the supposedly ice-imbedded herd of +mammoths, and then publicly forced us to investigate this hoax. + +More horrible still would it be if she informed the newspapers and gave +them a hint to make merry over the three wise men of the Bronx who went +to Baffin Land in a boat. + +"_What_ do you suppose that devious and secretive female is up to?" +inquired Lezard who, within the last few days, had grown thin with worry. +"Is it possible that she is sufficiently degraded to suspect us of trying +to put one over on her? Is that what she is now doing to us?" + +"_Terminus est_--it is the limit!" said I. + +He turned a morbid eye upon me. "She is making a monkey of us. That's +what!" + +"_Suspendenda omnia naso_," I nodded; "_tarde sed tute_. When I think +aloud in Latin it means that I am deeply troubled. _Suum quemque scelus +agitat._ Do you get me, Professor? I'm sorry I attempted to be sportive +with this terrible woman. The curse of my scientific career has been +periodical excesses of frivolity. See where this frolicsome impulse +has landed me!--_super abyssum ambulans. Trahit sua quemque voluptas; +transeat in exemplum!_ She means to let us go to our destruction on this +mammoth frappé affair." + +But Dr. Fooss was optimistic: + +"I tink she iss alretty herselluf by dot Baffin Land ge-gone," he said. +"I tink she has der bait ge-swallowed. Ve vait; ve see; und so iss it ve +know." + +"But why hasn't she stopped our preparations?" I demanded. "If she wants +all the glory herself why does she permit us to incur this expense in +getting ready?" + +"No mans can to know der vorkings of der mental brocess by a +Frauenzimmer," said Dr. Fooss, wagging his head. + +The suspense became nerve-racking; we were obliged to pack our camping +kits; and it began to look as though we would have either to sail the +next morning or to resign from the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society, because +all the evening papers had the story in big type--the details and objects +of the expedition, the discovery of the herd of mammoths in cold storage, +the prompt organization of an expedition to secure this unparalleled +deposit of prehistoric mammalia--everything was there staring at us in +violent print, excepting only the name of the discoverer and the names of +those composing the field expedition. + +"She means to betray us after we have sailed," said Lezard, greatly +depressed. "We might just as well resign now before this hoax explodes +and bespatters us. We can take our chances in vaudeville or as lecturing +professors with the movies." + +I thought so, too, in point of fact we all had gathered in my study to +write out our resignations, when there came a knock at the door and Dr. +Daisy Delmour walked in. + +Oddly enough I had not before met Dr. Delmour personally; only formal +written communications had hitherto passed between us. My idea of her +had doubtless been inspired by the physical and intellectual aberrations +of her chief; I naturally supposed her to be either impossible and +corporeally redundant, or intellectually and otherwise as weazened as +last year's Li-che nut. + +I was criminally mistaken. And why Lezard, who knew her, had never set me +right I could not then understand. I comprehended later. + +For the feminine assistant of Professor Jane Bottomly, who sauntered into +my study and announced herself, had the features of Athene, the smile of +Aphrodite, and the figure of Psyche. I believe I do not exaggerate these +scientific details, although it has been said of me that any pretty girl +distorts my vision and my intellectual balance to the detriment of my +calmer reason and my differentiating ability. + +"Gentlemen," said Dr. Delmour, while we stood in a respectful semi-circle +before her, modestly conscious of our worth, our toes turned out, and +each man's features wreathed with that politely unnatural smirk which +masculine features assume when confronted by feminine beauty. "Gentlemen, +on the eve of your proposed departure for Baffin Land in quest of living +specimens of the five-spotted _Philohela quinquemaculata_, I have been +instructed by Professor Bottomly to announce to you a great good fortune +for her, for you, for the Bronx, for America, for the entire civilized +world. + +"It has come to Professor Bottomly's knowledge, recently I believe, that +an entire herd of mammoths lie encased in the mud and ice of the vast +flat marshes which lie south of the terminal moraine of the Golden +Glacier in that part of Baffin Land known as Dr. Cook's Peninsula. + +"The credit of this epoch-making discovery is Professor Bottomly's +entirely. How it happened, she did not inform me. One month ago today she +sailed in great haste for Baffin Land. At this very hour she is doubtless +standing all alone upon the frozen surface of that wondrous marsh, +contemplating with reverence and awe and similar holy emotions the fruits +of her own unsurpassed discovery!" + +Dr. Delmour's lovely features became delicately suffused and transfigured +as she spoke; her exquisite voice thrilled with generous emotion; she +clasped her snowy hands and gazed, enraptured, at the picture of Dr. +Bottomly which her mind was so charmingly evoking. + +"Perhaps," she whispered, "perhaps at this very instant, in the midst of +that vast and flat and solemn desolation the only protuberance visible +for miles and miles is Professor Bottomly. Perhaps the pallid Arctic sun +is setting behind the majestic figure of Professor Bottomly, radiating a +blinding glory to the zenith, illuminating the crowning act of her career +with its unearthly aura!" + +She gazed at us out of dimmed and violet eyes. + +"Gentlemen," she said, "I am ordered to take command of this expedition +of yours; I am ordered to sail with you tomorrow morning on the Labrador +and Baffin Line steamer _Dr. Cook_. + +"The object of your expedition, therefore, is not to be the quest of +_Philohela quinquemaculata_; your duty now is to corroborate the almost +miraculous discovery of Professor Bottomly, and to disinter for her the +vast herd of frozen mammoths, pack and pickle them, and get them to the +Bronx. + +"Tomorrow's morning papers will have the entire story: the credit and +responsibility for the discovery and the expedition belong to Professor +Bottomly, and will be given to her by the press and the populace of our +great republic. + +"It is her wish that no other names be mentioned. Which is right. To the +discoverer belongs the glory. Therefore, the marsh is to be named +Bottomly's Marsh, and the Glacier, Bottomly's Glacier. + +"Yours and mine is to be the glory of laboring incognito under the +direction of the towering scientific intellect of the age, Professor +Bottomly. + +"And the most precious legacy you can leave your children--if you get +married and have any--is that you once wielded the humble pick and shovel +for Jane Bottomly on the bottomless marsh which bears her name!" + + * * * * * + +After a moment's silence we three men ventured to look sideways at +each other. We had certainly killed Professor Bottomly, scientifically +speaking. The lady was practically dead. The morning papers would +consummate the murder. We didn't know whether we wanted to laugh or not. + +She was now virtually done for; that seemed certain. So greedily had this +egotistical female swallowed the silly bait we offered, so arrogantly had +she planned to eliminate everybody excepting herself from the credit of +the discovery, that there seemed now nothing left for us to do except to +watch her hurdling deliriously toward destruction. _Should_ we burst into +hellish laughter? + +We looked hard at Dr. Delmour and we decided not to--yet. + +Said I: "To assist at the final apotheosis of Professor Bottomly makes us +very, very happy. We are happy to remain incognito, mere ciphers blotted +out by the fierce white light which is about to beat upon Professor +Bottomly, fore and aft. We are happy that our participation in this +astonishing affair shall never be known to science. + +"But, happiest of all are we, dear Dr. Delmour, in the knowledge that +_you_ are to be with us and of us, incognito on this voyage now imminent; +that you are to be our revered and beloved leader. + +"And I, for one, promise you personally the undivided devotion of a man +whose entire and austere career has been dedicated to science--in _all_ +its branches." + +I stepped forward rather gracefully and raised her little hand to my lips +to let her see that even the science of gallantry had not been neglected +by me. + +Dr. Daisy Delmour blushed. + +"Therefore," said I, "considering the fact that our names are not to +figure in this expedition; and, furthermore, in consideration of the fact +that _you_ are going, we shall be very, very happy to accompany you, Dr. +Delmour." I again saluted her hand, and again Dr. Delmour blushed and +looked sideways at Professor Lezard. + + + + +IV + + +It was, to be accurate, exactly twenty-three days later that our voyage +by sea and land ended one Monday morning upon the gigantic terminal +moraine of the Golden Glacier, Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land. + +Four pack-mules carried our luggage, four more bore our persons; an +arctic dicky-bird sat on a bowlder and said, "Pilly-willy-willy! Tweet! +Tweet!" + +As we rode out to the bowlder-strewn edge of the moraine the rising sun +greeted us cordially, illuminating below us the flat surface of the marsh +which stretched away to the east and south as far as the eye could see. + +So flat was it that we immediately made out the silhouettes of two mules +tethered below us a quarter of a mile away. + +Something about the attitude of these mules arrested our attention, and, +gazing upon them through our field-glasses we beheld Professor Bottomly. + +That resourceful lady had mounted a pneumatic hammock upon the two mules, +their saddles had sockets to fit the legs of the galvanized iron tripod. + +No matter in which way the mules turned, sliding swivels on the hollow +steel frames regulated the hammock slung between them. It was an infernal +invention. + +There lay Jane Bottomly asleep, her black hair drying over the hammock's +edge, gilded to a peroxide lustre by the rays of the rising sun. + +I gazed upon her with a sort of ferocious pity. Her professional days +were numbered. _I_ also had her number! + +"How majestically she slumbers," whispered Dr. Delmour to me, "dreaming, +doubtless, of her approaching triumph." + +Dr. Fooss and Professor Lezard, driving the pack-mules ahead of them, +were already riding out across the marsh. + +"Daisy," I said, leaning from my saddle and taking one of her gloved +hands into mine, "the time has come for me to disillusion you. There are +no mammoths in that mud down there." + +She looked at me in blue-eyed amazement. + +"You are mistaken," she said; "Professor Bottomly is celebrated for the +absolute and painstaking accuracy of her deductions and the boldness and +the imagination of her scientific investigations. She is the most +cautious scientist in America; she would never announce such a discovery +to the newspapers unless she were perfectly certain of its truth." + +I was sorry for this young girl. I pressed her hand because I was sorry +for her. After a few moments of deepest thought I felt so sorry for her +that I kissed her. + +[Illustration: "I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her."] + +"You mustn't," said Dr. Delmour, blushing. + +The things we mustn't do are so many that I can't always remember all of +them. + +"Daisy," I said, "shall we pledge ourselves to each other for +eternity--here in the presence of this immemorial glacier which moves a +thousand inches a year--I mean an inch every thousand years--here in +these awful solitudes where incalculable calculations could not enlighten +us concerning the number of cubic tons of mud in that marsh--here in the +presence of these innocent mules--" + +"Oh, look!" exclaimed Dr. Delmour, lifting her flushed cheek from my +shoulder. "There is a man in the hammock with Professor Bottomly!" + +I levelled my field-glasses incredulously. Good Heavens! There _was_ a +man there. He was sitting on the edge of the hammock in a dejected +attitude, his booted legs dangling. + +And, as I gazed, I saw the arm of Professor Bottomly raised as though +groping instinctively for something in her slumber--saw her fingers close +upon the blue-flannel shirt of her companion, saw his timid futile +attempts to elude her, saw him inexorably hauled back and his head +forcibly pillowed upon her ample chest. + +"Daisy!" I faltered, "what does yonder scene of presumable domesticity +mean?" + +"I--I haven't the faintest idea!" she stammered. + +"Is that lady married! Or is this revelry?" I asked, sternly. + +"She wasn't married when she sailed from N-New-York," faltered Dr. +Delmour. + +We rode forward in pained silence, spurring on until we caught up with +Lezard and Fooss and the pack-mules; then we all pressed ahead, a prey, +now, to the deepest moral anxiety and agitation. + +The splashing of our mule's feet on the partly melted surface of the mud +aroused the man as we rode up and he scrambled madly to get out of the +hammock as soon as he saw us. + +A detaining feminine hand reached mechanically for his collar, groped +aimlessly for a moment, and fell across the hammock's edge. Evidently its +owner was too sleepy for effort. + +Meanwhile the man who had floundered free from the hammock, leaped +overboard and came hopping stiffly over the slush toward us like a +badly-winged snipe. + +"Who are you?" I demanded, drawing bridle so suddenly that I found myself +astride of my mule's ears. Sliding back into the saddle, I repeated the +challenge haughtily, inwardly cursing my horsemanship. + +He stood balancing his lank six feet six of bony altitude for a few +moments without replying. His large gentle eyes of baby blue were fixed +on me. + +"Speak!" I said. "The reputation of a lady is at stake! Who are you? We +ask, before we shoot you, for purpose of future identification." + +He gazed at me wildly. "I dunno who I be," he replied. "My name _was_ +James Skaw before that there lady went an' changed it on me. She says she +has changed my name to hers. I dunno. All I know is I'm married." + +"_Married!_" echoed Dr. Delmour. + +He looked dully at the girl, then fixed his large mild eyes on me. + +"A mission priest done it for her a month ago when we was hikin' towards +Fort Carcajou. Hoon-hel are you?" he added. + +I informed him with dignity; he blinked at me, at the others, at the +mules. Then he said with infinite bitterness: + +"You're a fine guy, ain't you, a-wishin' this here lady onto a pore +pelt-hunter what ain't never done nothin' to you!" + +"Who did you say I wished on you?" I demanded, bewildered. + +"That there lady a-sleepin' into the nuptool hammick! You wished her onto +me--yaas you did! Whatnhel have I done to you, hey?" + +We were dumb. He shoved his hand into his pocket, produced a slug of +twist, slowly gnawed off a portion, and buried the remains in his vast +jaw. + +"All I done to you," he said, "was to write you them letters sayin's as +how I found a lot of ellerphants into the mud. + +"What you done to me was to send that there lady here. Was that +gratitood? Man to man I ask you?" + +A loud snore from the hammock startled us all. James Skaw twisted his +neck turkey-like, and looked warily at the hammock, then turning toward +me: + +"Aw," he said, "she don't never wake up till I have breakfast ready." + +"James Skaw," I said, "tell me what has happened. On my word of honor I +don't know." + +He regarded me with lack-lustre eyes. + +"I was a-settin' onto a bowlder," said he, "a-fig-urin' out whether you +was a-comin' or not, when that there lady rides up with her led-mule a +trailin'. + +"Sez she: 'Are you James Skaw?' + +"Yes, marm,' sez I, kinder scared an' puzzled. + +"'Where is them ellerphants?' sez she, reachin' down from her saddle an' +takin' me by the shirt collar, an' beatin' me with her umbrella. + +"Sez I, 'I have wrote to a certain gent that I would show him them +ellerphants for a price. Bein' strictly hones' I can't show 'em to no one +else until I hear from him.' + +"With that she continood to argoo the case with her umbrella, never +lettin' go of my shirt collar. Sir, she argood until dinner time, an' +then she resoomed the debate until I fell asleep. The last I knowed she +was still conversin'. + +"An' so it went next day, all day long, an' the next day. I couldn't +stand it no longer so I started for Fort Carcajau. But she bein' onto a +mule, run me down easy, an' kep' beside me conversin' volooble. + +"Sir, do you know what it is to listen to umbrella argooment every day, +all day long, from sun-up to night-fall? An' then some more? + +"I was loony, I tell you, when we met the mission priest. 'Marry me,' sez +she, 'or I'll talk you to death!' I didn't realise what she was sayin' +an' what I answered. But them words I uttered done the job, it seems. + +"We camped there an' slep' for two days without wakin.' When I waked up +I was convalescent. + +"She was good to me. She made soup an' she wrapped blankets onto me an' +she didn't talk no more until I was well enough to endoor it. + +"An' by'm'by she brooke the nooze to me that we was married an' that she +had went as far as to marry me in the sacred cause of science because man +an' wife is one, an' what I knowed about them ellerphants she now had a +right to know. + +"Sir, she had put one over on me. So bein' strickly hones' I had to show +her where them ellerphants lay froze up under the marsh." + + + + +V + + +Where the ambition of this infatuated woman had led her appalled us all. +The personal sacrifice she had made in the name of science awed us. + +Still when I remembered that detaining arm sleepily lifted from the +nuptual hammock, I was not so certain concerning her continued martyrdom. + +I cast an involuntary glance of critical appraisal upon James Skaw. He +had the golden hair and beard of the early Christian martyr. His features +were classically regular; he stood six feet six; he was lean because fit, +sound as a hound's tooth, and really a superb specimen of masculine +health. + +Curry him and trim him and clothe him in evening dress and his physical +appearance would make a sensation at the Court of St. James. Only his +English required manicuring. + +The longer I looked at him the better I comprehended that detaining hand +from the hammock. _Fabas indulcet fames_. + +Then, with a shock, it rushed over me that there evidently had been some +ground for this man's letters to me concerning a herd of frozen mammoths. + +Professor Bottomly had not only married him to obtain the information but +here she was still camping on the marsh! + +"James Skaw," I said, tremulously, "where are those mammoths?" + +He looked at me, then made a vague gesture: + +"Under the mud--everywhere--all around us." + +"Has _she_ seen them?" + +"Yes, I showed her about a hundred. There's one under you. Look! you can +see him through the slush." + +"Ach Gott!" burst from Dr. Fooss, and he tottered in his saddle. Lezard, +frightfully pale, passed a shaking hand over his brow. As for me my hair +became dank with misery, for there directly under my feet, the vast hairy +bulk of a mammoth lay dimly visible through the muddy ice. + +What I had done to myself when I was planning to do Professor Bottomly +suddenly burst upon me in all its hideous proportions. Fame, the plaudits +of the world, the highest scientific honours--all these in my effort to +annihilate her, I had deliberately thrust upon this woman to my own +everlasting detriment and disgrace. + +A sort of howl escaped from Dr. Fooss, who had dismounted and who had +been scratching in the slush with his feet like a hen. For already this +slight gallinaceous effort of his had laid bare a hairy section of frozen +mammoth. + +Lezard, weeping bitterly, squatted beside him clawing at the thin skin of +ice with a pick-axe. + +It seemed more than I could bear and I flung myself from my mule and +seizing a spade, fell violently to work, the tears of rage and +mortification coursing down my cheeks. + +"Hurrah!" cried Dr. Delmour, excitedly, scrambling down from her mule and +lifting a box of dynamite from her saddle-bags. + +Transfigured with enthusiasm she seized a crowbar, traced in the slush +the huge outlines of the buried beast, then, measuring with practiced eye +the irregular zone of cleavage, she marked out a vast oval, dug holes +along it with her bar, dropped into each hole a stick of dynamite, got +out the batteries and wires, attached the fuses, covered each charge, +and retired on a run toward the moraine, unreeling wire as she sped +upward among the bowlders. + +Half frantic with grief and half mad with the excitement of the moment we +still had sense enough to shoulder our tools and drive our mules back +across the moraine. + +Only the mule-hammock in which reposed Professor Bottomly remained on the +marsh. For one horrid instant temptation assailed me to press the button +before James Skaw could lead the hammock-mules up to the moraine. It was +my closest approach to crime. + +With a shudder I viewed the approach of the mules. James Skaw led them by +the head; the hammock on its bar and swivels swung gently between them; +Professor Bottomly slept, lulled, no doubt, to deeper slumber by the +gently swaying hammock. + +When the hammock came up, one by one we gazed upon its unconscious +occupant. + +And, even amid dark and revengeful thoughts, amid a mental chaos of grief +and fury and frantic self-reproach, I had to admit to myself that Jane +Bottomly was a fine figure of a woman, and good-looking, too, and that +her hair was all her own and almost magnificent at that. + +With a modiste to advise her, a maid to dress her, I myself might +have--but let that pass. Only as I gazed upon her fresh complexion and +the softly parted red lips of Professor Bottomly, and as I noted the +beautiful white throat and prettily shaped hands, a newer, bitterer, and +more overwhelming despair seized me; and I realized now that perhaps I +had thrown away more than fame, honours, applause; I had perhaps thrown +away love! + +At that moment Professor Bottomly awoke. For a moment her lilac-tinted +eyes had a dazed expression, then they widened, and she lay very quietly +looking from one to another of us, cradled in the golden glory of her +hair, perfectly mistress of herself, and her mind as clear as a bell. + +"Well," she said, "so you have arrived at last." And to Dr. Delmour she +smilingly extended a cool, fresh hand. + +"Have you met my husband?" she inquired. + +We admitted that we had. + +"James!" she called. + +At the sound of her voice James Skaw hopped nimbly to do her bidding. A +tender smile came into her face as she gazed upon her husband. She made +no explanation concerning him, no apology for him. And, watching her, it +slowly filtered into my mind that she liked him. + +With one hand in her husband's and one on Dr. Delmour's arm she listened +to Daisy's account of what we were about to do to the imbedded mammoth, +and nodded approval. + +James Skaw turned the mules so that she might watch the explosion. She +twisted up her hair, then sat up in her hammock; Daisy Delmour pressed +the electric button; there came a deep jarring sound, a vast upheaval, +and up out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_ and toppled +gently over upon the surface of the ice. + +[Illustration: "Out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_."] + +Miserable as we were at such an astonishing spectacle we raised a tragic +cheer as Professor Bottomly sprang out of her hammock and, telling Dr. +Delmour to get a camera, seized her husband and sped down to where one of +the great, hairy frozen beasts lay on the ice in full sunshine. + +And then we tasted the last drop of gall which our over-slopping cup of +bitterness held for us; Professor Bottomly climbed up the sides of the +frozen mammoth, dragging her husband with her, and stood there waving a +little American flag while Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera +to record the scientific triumph of the ages. + +[Illustration: "Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record +the scientific triumph of the ages."] + +Almost idiotic with the shock of my great grief I reeled and tottered +away among the bowlders. Fooss came to find me; and when he found me he +kicked me violently for some time. "Esel dumkopf!" he said. + +When he was tired Lezard came and fell upon me, showering me with kicks +and anathema. + +When he went away I beat my head with my fists for a while. Every little +helped. + +After a time I smelled cooking, and presently Dr. Delmour came to where I +sat huddled up miserably in the sun behind the bowlder. + +"Luncheon is ready," she said. + +I groaned. + +"Don't you feel well?" + +I said that I did not. + +She lingered apparently with the idea of cheering me up. "It's been +such fun," she said. "Professor Lezard and I have already located over +a hundred and fifty mammoths within a short distance of here, and +apparently there are hundreds, if not thousands, more in the vicinity. +The ivory alone is worth over a million dollars. Isn't it wonderful!" + +She laughed excitedly and danced away to join the others. Then, out of +the black depth of my misery a feeble gleam illuminated the Stygian +obscurity. There was one way left to stay my approaching downfall--only +one. Professor Bottomly meant to get rid of me, "for the good of the +Bronx," but there remained a way to ward off impending disaster. And +though I had lost the opportunity of my life by disbelieving the simple +honesty of James Skaw,--and though the honors and emoluments and applause +which ought to have been mine were destined for this determined woman, +still, if I kept my head, I should be able to hold my job at the Bronx. + +Dr. Delmour was immovable in the good graces of Professor Bottomly; and +the only way for me to retain my position was to marry her. + +The thought comforted me. After a while I felt well enough to arise and +partake of some luncheon. + +They were all seated around the campfire when I approached. I was +welcomed politely, inquiries concerning my health were offered; but the +coldly malevolent glare of Dr. Fooss and the calm contempt in Lezard's +gaze chilled me; and I squatted down by Daisy Delmour and accepted a dish +of soup from her in mortified silence. + +Professor Bottomly and James Skaw were feasting connubially side by side, +and she was selecting titbits for him which he dutifully swallowed, his +large mild eyes gazing at vacancy in a gentle, surprised sort of way as +he gulped down what she offered him. + +Neither of them paid any attention to anybody else. + +Fooss gobbled his lunch in a sort of raging silence; Lezard, on the other +side of Dr. Delmour, conversed with her continually in undertones. + +After a while his persistent murmuring began to make me uneasy, even +suspicious, and I glared at him sideways. + +Daisy Delmour, catching my eye, blushed, hesitated, then leaning over +toward me with delightful confusion she whispered: + +"I know that you will be glad to hear that I have just promised to marry +your closest friend, Professor Lezard--" + +"What!" I shouted with all my might, "have _you_ put one over on me, +too?" + +Lezard and Fooss seized me, for I had risen and was jumping up and down +and splashing them with soup. + +"Everybody has put one over on me!" I shrieked. "Everybody! Now I'm going +to put one over on myself!" + +[Illustration: "'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked."] + +And I lifted my plate of soup and reversed it on my head. + +They told me later that I screamed for half an hour before I swooned. + +Afterward, my intellect being impaired, instead of being dismissed from +my department, I was promoted to the position which I now hold as +President Emeritus of the Consolidated Art Museums and Zoölogical Gardens +of the City of New York. + +I have easy hours, little to do, and twenty ornamental stenographers and +typewriters engaged upon my memoirs which I dictate when I feel like it, +steeped in the aroma of the most inexpensive cigar I can buy at the +Rolling Stone Inn. + +There is one typist in particular--but let that pass. + +_Vir sapit qui pauca loquitor._ + + + + +UN PEU D'AMOUR + + + + +When I returned to the plateau from my investigation of the crater, I +realized that I had descended the grassy pit as far as any human being +could descend. No living creature could pass that barrier of flame and +vapour. Of that I was convinced. + +Now, not only the crater but its steaming effluvia was utterly unlike +anything I had ever before beheld. There was no trace of lava to be +seen, or of pumice, ashes, or of volcanic rejecta in any form whatever. +There were no sulphuric odours, no pungent fumes, nothing to teach the +olfactory nerves what might be the nature of the silvery steam rising +from the crater incessantly in a vast circle, ringing its circumference +halfway down the slope. + +Under this thin curtain of steam a ring of pale yellow flames played and +sparkled, completely encircling the slope. + +The crater was about half a mile deep; the sides sloped gently to the +bottom. + +But the odd feature of the entire phenomenon was this: the bottom of +the crater seemed to be entirely free from fire and vapour. It was +disk-shaped, sandy, and flat, about a quarter of a mile in diameter. +Through my field-glasses I could see patches of grass and wild flowers +growing in the sand here and there, and the sparkle of water, and a crow +or two, feeding and walking about. + +I looked at the girl who was standing beside me, then cast a glance +around at the very unusual landscape. + +We were standing on the summit of a mountain some two thousand feet high, +looking into a cup-shaped depression or crater, on the edges of which we +stood. + +This low, flat-topped mountain, as I say, was grassy and quite treeless, +although it rose like a truncated sugar-cone out of a wilderness of trees +which stretched for miles below us, north, south, east, and west, +bordered on the horizon by towering blue mountains, their distant ranges +enclosing the forests as in a vast amphitheatre. + +From the centre of this enormous green floor of foliage rose our grassy +hill, and it appeared to be the only irregularity which broke the level +wilderness as far as the base of the dim blue ranges encircling the +horizon. + +Except for the log bungalow of Mr. Blythe on the eastern edge of this +grassy plateau, there was not a human habitation in sight, nor a trace of +man's devastating presence in the wilderness around us. + +Again I looked questioningly at the girl beside me and she looked back at +me rather seriously. + +"Shall we seat ourselves here in the sun?" she asked. + +I nodded. + +Very gravely we settled down side by side on the thick green grass. + +"Now," she said, "I shall tell you why I wrote you to come out here. +Shall I?" + +"By all means, Miss Blythe." + +Sitting cross-legged, she gathered her ankles into her hands, settling +herself as snugly on the grass as a bird settles on its nest. + +"The phenomena of nature," she said, "have always interested me +intensely, not only from the artistic angle but from the scientific point +of view. + +"It is different with father. He is a painter; he cares only for the +artistic aspects of nature. Phenomena of a scientific nature bore him. +Also, you may have noticed that he is of a--a slightly impatient +disposition." + +I had noticed it. He had been anything but civil to me when I arrived the +night before, after a five-hundred mile trip on a mule, from the nearest +railroad--a journey performed entirely alone and by compass, there being +no trail after the first fifty miles. + +To characterize Blythe as slightly impatient was letting him down easy. +He was a selfish, bad-tempered old pig. + +"Yes," I said, answering her, "I did notice a negligible trace of +impatience about your father." + +She flushed. + +"You see I did not inform my father that I had written to you. He doesn't +like strangers; he doesn't like scientists. I did not dare tell him that +I had asked you to come out here. It was entirely my own idea. I felt +that I _must_ write you because I am positive that what is happening in +this wilderness is of vital scientific importance." + +"How did you get a letter out of this distant and desolate place?" I +asked. + +"Every two months the storekeeper at Windflower Station sends in a man +and a string of mules with staples for us. The man takes our further +orders and our letters back to civilization." + +I nodded. + +"He took my letter to you--among one or two others I sent----" + +A charming colour came into her cheeks. She was really extremely pretty. +I liked that girl. When a girl blushes when she speaks to a man he +immediately accepts her heightened colour as a personal tribute. This +is not vanity: it is merely a proper sense of personal worthiness. + +She said thoughtfully: + +"The mail bag which that man brought to us last week contained a letter +which, had I received it earlier, would have made my invitation to you +unnecessary. I'm sorry I disturbed you." + +"_I_ am not," said I, looking into her beautiful eyes. + +I twisted my mustache into two attractive points, shot my cuffs, and +glanced at her again, receptively. + +She had a far-away expression in her eyes. I straightened my necktie. A +man, without being vain, ought to be conscious of his own worth. + +"And now," she continued, "I am going to tell you the various reasons why +I asked so celebrated a scientist as yourself to come here." + +I thanked her for her encomium. + +"Ever since my father retired from Boston to purchase this hill and the +wilderness surrounding it," she went on, "ever since he came here to live +a hermit's life--a life devoted solely to painting landscapes--I also +have lived here all alone with him. + +"That is three years, now. And from the very beginning--from the very +first day of our arrival, somehow or other I was conscious that there +was something abnormal about this corner of the world." + +She bent forward, lowering her voice a trifle: + +"Have you noticed," she asked, "that so many things seem to be _circular_ +out here?" + +"Circular?" I repeated, surprised. + +"Yes. That crater is circular; so is the bottom of it; so is this +plateau, and the hill; and the forests surrounding us; and the mountain +ranges on the horizon." + +"But all this is natural." + +"Perhaps. But in those woods, down there, there are, here and there, +great circles of crumbling soil--_perfect_ circles a mile in diameter." + +"Mounds built by prehistoric man, no doubt." + +She shook her head: + +"These are not prehistoric mounds." + +"Why not?" + +"Because they have been freshly made." + +"How do you know?" + +"The earth is freshly upheaved; great trees, partly uprooted, slant at +every angle from the sides of the enormous piles of newly upturned earth; +sand and stones are still sliding from the raw ridges." + +She leaned nearer and dropped her voice still lower: + +"More than that," she said, "my father and I both have seen one of these +huge circles _in the making_!" + +"What!" I exclaimed, incredulously. + +"It is true. We have seen several. And it enrages father." + +"Enrages?" + +"Yes, because it upsets the trees where he is painting landscapes, and +tilts them in every direction. Which, of course, ruins his picture; and +he is obliged to start another, which vexes him dreadfully." + +I think I must have gaped at her in sheer astonishment. + +"But there is something more singular than that for you to investigate," +she said calmly. "Look down at that circle of steam which makes a perfect +ring around the bowl of the crater, halfway down. Do you see the flicker +of fire under the vapour?" + +"Yes." + +She leaned so near and spoke in such a low voice that her fragrant breath +fell upon my cheek: + +"In the fire, under the vapours, there are little animals." + +"What!!" + +"Little beasts live in the fire--slim, furry creatures, smaller +than a weasel. I've seen them peep out of the fire and scurry back +into it.... _Now_ are you sorry that I wrote you to come? And will +you forgive me for bringing you out here?" + +An indescribable excitement seized me, endowing me with a fluency and +eloquence unusual: + +"I thank you from the bottom of my heart!" I cried; "--from the depths of +a heart the emotions of which are entirely and exclusively of scientific +origin!" + +In the impulse of the moment I held out my hand; she laid hers in it with +charming diffidence. + +"Yours is the discovery," I said. "Yours shall be the glory. Fame shall +crown you; and perhaps if there remains any reflected light in the form +of a by-product, some modest and negligible little ray may chance to +illuminate me." + +Surprised and deeply moved by my eloquence, I bent over her hand and +saluted it with my lips. + +She thanked me. Her pretty face was rosy. + +It appeared that she had three cows to milk, new-laid eggs to gather, and +the construction of some fresh butter to be accomplished. + +At the bars of the grassy pasture slope she dropped me a curtsey, +declining very shyly to let me carry her lacteal paraphernalia. + +So I continued on to the bungalow garden, where Blythe sat on a camp +stool under a green umbrella, painting a picture of something or other. + +"Mr. Blythe!" I cried, striving to subdue my enthusiasm. "The eyes of the +scientific world are now open upon this house! The searchlight of Fame is +about to be turned upon you--" + +"I prefer privacy," he interrupted. "That's why I came here. I'll be +obliged if you'll turn off that searchlight." + +"But, my dear Mr. Blythe--" + +"I want to be let alone," he repeated irritably. "I came out here to +paint and to enjoy privately my own paintings." + +If what stood on his easel was a sample of his pictures, nobody was +likely to share his enjoyment. + +"Your work," said I, politely, "is--is----" + +"Is what!" he snapped. "_What_ is it--if you think you know?" + +"It is entirely, so to speak, _per se_--by itself--" + +"What the devil do you mean by that?" + +I looked at his picture, appalled. The entire canvas was one monotonous +vermillion conflagration. I examined it with my head on one side, then on +the other side; I made a funnel with both hands and peered intently +through it at the picture. A menacing murmuring sound came from him. + +"Satisfying--exquisitely satisfying," I concluded. "I have often seen +such sunsets--" + +"What!" + +"I mean such prairie fires--" + +"Damnation!" he exclaimed. "I'm painting a bowl of nasturtiums!" + +"I was speaking purely in metaphor," said I with a sickly smile. "To me +a nasturtium by the river brink is more than a simple flower. It is a +broader, grander, more magnificent, more stupendous symbol. It may mean +anything, everything--such as sunsets and conflagrations and +Götterdämmerungs! Or--" and my voice was subtly modulated to an +appealing and persuasive softness--"it may mean nothing at all--chaos, +void, vacuum, negation, the exquisite annihilation of what has never even +existed." + +He glared at me over his shoulder. If he was infected by Cubist +tendencies he evidently had not understood what I said. + +"If you won't talk about my pictures I don't mind your investigating this +district," he grunted, dabbing at his palette and plastering a wad of +vermilion upon his canvas; "but I object to any public invasion of my +artistic privacy until I am ready for it." + +"When will that be?" + +He pointed with one vermilion-soaked brush toward a long, low, log +building. + +"In that structure," he said, "are packed one thousand and ninety-five +paintings--all signed by me. I have executed one or two every day since I +came here. When I have painted exactly ten thousand pictures, no more, no +less, I shall erect here a gallery large enough to contain them all. + +"Only real lovers of art will ever come here to study them. It is five +hundred miles from the railroad. Therefore, I shall never have to endure +the praises of the dilettante, the patronage of the idler, the vapid +rhapsodies of the vulgar. Only those who understand will care to make the +pilgrimage." + +He waved his brushes at me: + +"The conservation of national resources is all well enough--the setting +aside of timber reserves, game preserves, bird refuges, all these +projects are very good in a way. But I have dedicated this wilderness +as a last and only refuge in all the world for true Art! Because +true Art, except for my pictures, is, I believe, now practically +extinct!... You're in my way. Would you mind getting out?" + +I had sidled around between him and his bowl of nasturtiums, and I +hastily stepped aside. He squinted at the flowers, mixed up a flamboyant +mess of colour on his palette, and daubed away with unfeigned +satisfaction, no longer noticing me until I started to go. Then: + +"What is it you're here for, anyway?" he demanded abruptly. I said with +dignity: + +"I am here to investigate those huge rings of earth thrown up in the +forest as by a gigantic mole." He continued to paint for a few moments: + +"Well, go and investigate 'em," he snapped. "I'm not infatuated with your +society." + +"What do you think they are?" I asked, mildly ignoring his wretched +manners. + +"I don't know and I don't care, except, that sometimes when I begin to +paint several trees, the very trees I'm painting are suddenly heaved up +and tilted in every direction, and all my work goes for nothing. _That_ +makes me mad! Otherwise, the matter has no interest for me." + +"But what in the world could cause--" + +"I don't know and I don't care!" he shouted, waving palette and brushes +angrily. "Maybe it's an army of moles working all together under the +ground; maybe it's some species of circular earthquake. I don't know! I +don't care! But it annoys me. And if you can devise any scientific means +to stop it, I'll be much obliged to you. Otherwise, to be perfectly +frank, you bore me." + +"The mission of Science," said I solemnly, "is to alleviate the +inconveniences of mundane existence. Science, therefore, shall extend +a helping hand to her frailer sister, Art--" + +"Science can't patronize Art while I'm around!" he retorted. "I won't +have it!" + +"But, my dear Mr. Blythe--" + +"I won't dispute with you, either! I don't like to dispute!" he shouted. +"Don't try to make me. Don't attempt to inveigle me into discussion! I +know all I want to know. I don't want to know anything you want me to +know, either!" + +I looked at the old pig in haughty silence, nauseated by his conceit. + +After he had plastered a few more tubes of vermilion over his canvas he +quieted down, and presently gave me an oblique glance over his shoulder. + +"Well," he said, "what else are you intending to investigate?" + +"Those little animals that live in the crater fires," I said bluntly. + +"Yes," he nodded, indifferently, "there are creatures which live +somewhere in the fires of that crater." + +"Do you realize what an astounding statement you are making?" I asked. + +"It doesn't astound _me_. What do I care whether it astounds you or +anybody else? Nothing interests me except Art." + +"But--" + +"I tell you nothing interests me except Art!" he yelled. "Don't dispute +it! Don't answer me! Don't irritate me! I don't care whether anything +lives in the fire or not! Let it live there!" + +"But have you actually seen live creatures in the flames?" + +"Plenty! _Plenty!_ What of it? What about it? Let 'em live there, for all +I care. I've painted pictures of 'em, too. That's all that interests me." + +"What do they look like, Mr. Blythe?" + +"Look like? _I_ don't know! They look like weasels or rats or bats or +cats or--stop asking me questions! It irritates me! It depresses me! +Don't ask any more! Why don't you go in to lunch? And--tell my daughter +to bring me a bowl of salad out here. _I've_ no time to stuff myself. +Some people have. _I_ haven't. You'd better go in to lunch.... And tell +my daughter to bring me seven tubes of Chinese vermilion with my salad!" + +"You don't mean to mix--" I began, then checked myself before his fury. + +"I'd rather eat vermilion paint on my salad than sit here talking to +_you_!" he shouted. + +I cast a pitying glance at this impossible man, and went into the house. +After all, he was _her_ father. I _had_ to endure him. + + * * * * * + +After Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce +leaves, she returned to the veranda of the bungalow. + +[Illustration: "Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of +lettuce leaves."] + +A delightful luncheon awaited us; I seated her, then took the chair +opposite. + +A delicious omelette, fresh biscuit, salad, and strawberry preserves, and +a tall tumbler of iced tea imbued me with a sort of mild exhilaration. + +Out of the corner of my eye I could see Blythe down in the garden, +munching his lettuce leaves like an ill-tempered rabbit, and daubing away +at his picture while he munched. + +"Your father," said I politely, "is something of a genius." + +"I am so glad you think so," she said gratefully. "But don't tell him so. +He has been surfeited with praise in Boston. That is why we came out +here." + +"Art," said I, "is like science, or tobacco, or tooth-wash. Every man +to his own brand. Personally, I don't care for his kind. But who can say +which is the best kind of anything? Only the consumer. Your father is his +own consumer. He is the best judge of what he likes. And that is the only +true test of art, or anything else." + +"How delightfully you reason!" she said. "How logically, how generously!" + +"Reason is the handmaid of Science, Miss Blythe." + +She seemed to understand me. Her quick intelligence surprised me, because +I myself was not perfectly sure whether I had emitted piffle or an +epigram. + +As we ate our strawberry preserves we discussed ways and means of +capturing a specimen of the little fire creatures which, as she +explained, so frequently peeped out at her from the crater fires, and, +at her slightest movement, scurried back again into the flames. Of course +I believed that this was only her imagination. Yet, for years I had +entertained a theory that fire supported certain unknown forms of life. + +"I have long believed," said I, "that fire is inhabited by living +organisms which require the elements and temperature of active combustion +for their existence--microörganisms, but not," I added smilingly, "any +higher type of life." + +"In the fireplace," she ventured diffidently, "I sometimes see curious +things--dragons and snakes and creatures of grotesque and peculiar +shapes." + +I smiled indulgently, charmed by this innocently offered contribution +to science. Then she rose, and I rose and took her hand in mine, and we +wandered over the grass toward the crater, while I explained to her the +difference between what we imagine we see in the glowing coals of a grate +fire and my own theory that fire is the abode of living animalculae. + +On the grassy edge of the crater we paused and looked down the slope, +where the circle of steam rose, partly veiling the pale flash of fire +underneath. + +"How near can we go?" I inquired. + +"Quite near. Come; I'll guide you." + +Leading me by the hand, she stepped over the brink and we began to +descend the easy grass slope together. + +There was no difficulty about it at all. Down we went, nearer and nearer +to the wall of steam, until at last, when but fifteen feet away from it, +I felt the heat from the flames which sparkled below the wall of vapour. + +Here we seated ourselves upon the grass, and I knitted my brows and fixed +my eyes upon this curious phenomenon, striving to discover some reason +for it. + +Except for the vapour and the fires, there was nothing whatever volcanic +about this spectacle, or in the surroundings. + +From where I sat I could see that the bed of fire which encircled the +crater; and the wall of vapour which crowned the flames, were about three +hundred feet wide. Of course this barrier was absolutely impassable. +There was no way of getting through it into the bottom of the crater. + +A slight pressure from Miss Blythe's fingers engaged my attention; I +turned toward her, and she said: + +"There is one more thing about which I have not told you. I feel a little +guilty, because _that_ is the real reason I asked you to come here." + +"What is it?" + +"I think there are emeralds on the floor of that crater." + +"Emeralds!" + +"I _think_ so." She felt in the ruffled pocket of her apron, drew out a +fragment of mineral, and passed it to me. + +I screwed a jeweler's glass into my eye and examined it in astonished +silence. It was an emerald; a fine, large, immensely valuable stone, if +my experience counted for anything. One side of it was thickly coated +with vermilion paint. + +"Where did this come from?" I asked in an agitated voice. + +"From the floor of the crater. Is it _really_ an emerald?" + +I lifted my head and stared at the girl incredulously. + +"It happened this way," she said excitedly. "Father was painting a +picture up there by the edge of the crater. He left his palette on the +grass to go to the bungalow for some more tubes of colour. While he was +in the house, hunting for the colours which he wanted, I stepped out on +the veranda, and I saw some crows alight near the palette and begin +to stalk about in the grass. One bird walked right over his wet palette; +I stepped out and waved my sun-bonnet to frighten him off, but he had +both feet in a sticky mass of Chinese vermilion, and for a moment was +unable to free himself. + +"I almost caught him, but he flapped away over the edge of the crater, +high above the wall of vapour, sailed down onto the crater floor, and +alighted. + +"But his feet bothered him; he kept hopping about on the bottom of the +crater, half running, half flying; and finally he took wing and rose up +over the hill. + +"As he flew above me, and while I was looking up at his vermilion feet, +something dropped from his claws and nearly struck me. It was that +emerald." + +When I had recovered sufficient composure to speak steadily, I took her +beautiful little hand in mine. + +"This," said I, "is the most exciting locality I have ever visited for +purposes of scientific research. Within this crater may lie millions of +value in emeralds. You are probably, today, the wealthiest heiress upon +the face of the globe!" + +I gave her a winning glance. She smiled, shyly, and blushingly withdrew +her hand. + +For several exquisite minutes I sat there beside her in a sort of +heavenly trance. How beautiful she was! How engaging--how sweet--how +modestly appreciative of the man beside her, who had little beside his +scientific learning, his fame, and a kind heart to appeal to such youth +and loveliness as hers! + +There was something about her that delicately appealed to me. Sometimes +I pondered what this might be; sometimes I wondered how many emeralds lay +on that floor of sandy gravel below us. + +Yes, I loved her. I realised it now. I could even endure her father for +her sake. I should make a good husband. I was quite certain of that. + +I turned and gazed upon her, meltingly. But I did not wish to startle +her, so I remained silent, permitting the chaste language of my eyes to +interpret for her what my lips had not yet murmured. It was a brief but +beautiful moment in my life. + +"The way to do," said I, "is to trap several dozen crows, smear their +feet with glue, tie a ball of Indian twine to the ankle of every bird, +then liberate them. Some are certain to fly into the crater and try to +scrape the glue off in the sand. Then," I added, triumphantly, "all we +have to do is to haul in our birds and detach the wealth of Midas from +their sticky claws!" + +"That is an excellent suggestion," she said gratefully, "but I can do +that after you have gone. All I wanted you to tell me was whether the +stone is a genuine emerald." + +I gazed at her blankly. + +"You are here for purposes of scientific investigation," she added, +sweetly. "I should not think of taking your time for the mere sake of +accumulating wealth for my father and me." + +There didn't seem to be anything for me to say at that moment. Chilled, +I gazed at the flashing ring of fire. + +And, as I gazed, suddenly I became aware of a little, pointed muzzle, two +pricked-up ears, and two ruby-red eyes gazing intently out at me from the +mass of flames. + +The girl beside me saw it, too. + +"Don't move!" she whispered. "That is one of the flame creatures. It may +venture out if you keep perfectly still." + +Rigid with amazement, I sat like a stone image, staring at the most +astonishing sight I had ever beheld. + +For several minutes the ferret-like creature never stirred from where it +crouched in the crater fire; the alert head remained pointed toward us; I +could even see that its thick fur must have possessed the qualities of +asbestos, because here and there a hair or two glimmered incandescent; +and its eyes, nose, and whiskers glowed and glowed as the flames pulsated +around it. + +After a long while it began to move out of the fire, slowly, cautiously, +cunning eyes fixed on us--a small, slim, wiry, weasel-like creature on +which the sunlight fell with a vitreous glitter as it crept forward into +the grass. + +Then, from the fire behind, another creature of the same sort appeared, +another, others, then dozens of eager, lithe, little animals appeared +everywhere from the flames and began to frisk and play and run about in +the grass and nibble the fresh, green, succulent herbage with a snipping +sound quite audible to us. + +One came so near my feet that I could examine it minutely. + +Its fur and whiskers seemed heavy and dense and like asbestos fibre, yet +so fine as to appear silky. Its eyes, nose, and claws were scarlet, and +seemed to possess a glassy surface. + +I waited my opportunity, and when the little thing came nosing along +within reach, I seized it. + +Instantly it emitted a bewildering series of whistling shrieks, and +twisted around to bite me. Its body was icy. + +"Don't let it bite!" cried the girl. "Be careful, Mr. Smith!" + +[Illustration: "'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. +Smith!'"] + +But its jaws were toothless; only soft, cold gums pinched me, and I held +it twisting and writhing, while the icy temperature of its body began to +benumb my fingers and creep up my wrist, paralyzing my arm; and its +incessant and piercing shrieks deafened me. + +In vain I transferred it to the other hand, and then passed it from one +hand to the other, as one shifts a lump of ice or a hot potato, in an +attempt to endure the temperature: it shrieked and squirmed and doubled, +and finally wriggled out of my stiffened and useless hands, and scuttled +away into the fire. + +It was an overwhelming disappointment. For a moment it seemed +unendurable. + +"Never mind," I said, huskily, "if I caught one in my hands, I can surely +catch another in a trap." + +"I am so sorry for your disappointment," she said, pitifully. + +"Do _you_ care, Miss Blythe?" I asked. + +She blushed. + +"Of course I care," she murmured. + +My hands were too badly frost-nipped to become eloquent. I merely sighed +and thrust them into my pockets. Even my arm was too stiff to encircle +her shapeful waist. Devotion to Science had temporarily crippled me. Love +must wait. But, as we ascended the grassy slope together, I promised +myself that I would make her a good husband, and that I should spend at +least part of every day of my life in trapping crows and smearing their +claws with glue. + +That evening I was seated on the veranda beside Wilna--Miss Blythe's name +was Wilna--and what with gazing at her and fitting together some of the +folding box-traps which I always carried with me--and what with trying to +realise the pecuniary magnificence of our future existence together, I +was exceedingly busy when Blythe came in to display, as I supposed, his +most recent daub to me. + +The canvas he carried presented a series of crimson speckles, out of +which burst an eruption of green streaks--and it made me think of +stepping on a caterpillar. + +My instinct was to placate this impossible man. He was _her_ father. I +meant to honour him if I had to assault him to do it. + +"Supremely satisfying!" I nodded, chary of naming the subject. "It is a +stride beyond the art of the future: it is a flying leap out of the Not +Yet into the Possibly Perhaps! I thank you for enlightening me, Mr. +Blythe. I am your debtor." + +He fairly snarled at me: + +"What are _you_ talking about!" he demanded. + +I remained modestly mute. + +To Wilna he said, pointing passionately at his canvas: + +"The crows have been walking all over it again! I'm going to paint in the +woods after this, earthquakes or no earthquakes. Have the trees been +heaved up anywhere recently?" + +"Not since last week," she said, soothingly. "It usually happens after a +rain." + +"I think I'll risk it then--although it did rain early this morning. I'll +do a moonlight down there this evening." And, turning to me: "If you know +as much about science as you do about art you won't have to remain here +long--I trust." + +"What?" said I, very red. + +He laughed a highly disagreeable laugh, and marched into the house. +Presently he bawled for dinner, and Wilna went away. For her sake I had +remained calm and dignified, but presently I went out and kicked up the +turf two or three times; and, having foozled my wrath, I went back to +dinner, realising that I might as well begin to accustom myself to my +future father-in-law. + +It seemed that he had a mania for prunes, and that's all he permitted +anybody to have for dinner. + +Disgusted, I attempted to swallow the loathly stewed fruit, watching +Blythe askance as he hurriedly stuffed himself, using a tablespoon, with +every symptom of relish. + +"Now," he cried, shoving back his chair, "I'm going to paint a moonlight +by moonlight. Wilna, if Billy arrives, make him comfortable, and tell him +I'll return by midnight." And without taking the trouble to notice me at +all, he strode away toward the veranda, chewing vigorously upon his last +prune. + +"Your father," said I, "is eccentric. Genius usually is. But he is a most +interesting and estimable man. I revere him." + +"It is kind of you to say so," said the girl, in a low voice. + +I thought deeply for a few moments, then: + +"Who is 'Billy?'" I inquired, casually. + +I couldn't tell whether it was a sudden gleam of sunset light on her +face, or whether she blushed. + +"Billy," she said softly, "is a friend of father's. His name is William +Green." + +"Oh." + +"He is coming out here to visit--father--I believe." + +"Oh. An artist; and doubtless of mature years." + +"He is a mineralogist by profession," she said, "--and somewhat young." + +"Oh." + +"Twenty-four years old," she added. Upon her pretty face was an absent +expression, vaguely pleasant. Her blue eyes became dreamy and exquisitely +remote. + +I pondered deeply for a while: + +"Wilna?" I said. + +"Yes, Mr. Smith?" as though aroused from agreeable meditation. + +But I didn't know exactly what to say, and I remained uneasily silent, +thinking about that man Green and his twenty-four years, and his +profession, and the bottom of the crater, and Wilna--and striving to +satisfy myself that there was no logical connection between any of these. + +"I think," said I, "that I'll take a bucket of salad to your father." + +Why I should have so suddenly determined to ingratiate myself with the +old grouch I scarcely understood: for the construction of a salad was my +very best accomplishment. + +Wilna looked at me in a peculiar manner, almost as though she were +controlling a sudden and not unpleasant inward desire to laugh. + +Evidently the finer and more delicate instincts of a woman were divining +my motive and sympathizing with my mental and sentimental perplexity. + +So when she said: "I don't think you had better go near my father," I was +convinced of her gentle solicitude in my behalf. + +"With a bucket of salad," I whispered softly, "much may be accomplished, +Wilna." And I took her little hand and pressed it gently and +respectfully. "Trust all to me," I murmured. + +She stood with her head turned away from me, her slim hand resting limply +in mine. From the slight tremor of her shoulders I became aware how +deeply her emotion was now swaying her. Evidently she was nearly ready to +become mine. + +But I remained calm and alert. The time was not yet. Her father had had +his prunes, in which he delighted. And when pleasantly approached with a +bucket of salad he could not listen otherwise than politely to what I +had to say to him. Quick action was necessary--quick but diplomatic +action--in view of the imminence of this young man Green, who evidently +was _persona grata_ at the bungalow of this irritable old dodo. + +Tenderly pressing the pretty hand which I held, and saluting the +finger-tips with a gesture which was, perhaps, not wholly ungraceful, +I stepped into the kitchen, washed out several heads of lettuce, deftly +chopped up some youthful onions, constructed a seductive French dressing, +and, stirring together the crisp ingredients, set the savoury masterpiece +away in the ice-box, after tasting it. It was delicious enough to draw +sobs from any pig. + +When I went out to the veranda, Wilna had disappeared. So I unfolded and +set up some more box-traps, determined to lose no time. + +Sunset still lingered beyond the chain of western mountains as I went out +across the grassy plateau to the cornfield. + +Here I set and baited several dozen aluminium crow-traps, padding the +jaws so that no injury could be done to the birds when the springs +snapped on their legs. + +Then I went over to the crater and descended its gentle, grassy slope. +And there, all along the borders of the vapoury wall, I set box-traps for +the lithe little denizens of the fire, baiting every trap with a handful +of fresh, sweet clover which I had pulled up from the pasture beyond the +cornfield. + +My task ended, I ascended the slope again, and for a while stood there +immersed in pleasurable premonitions. + +Everything had been accomplished swiftly and methodically within +the few hours in which I had first set eyes upon this extraordinary +place--everything!--love at first sight, the delightfully lightning-like +wooing and winning of an incomparable maiden and heiress; the discovery +of the fire creatures; the solving of the emerald problem. + +And now everything was ready, crow-traps, fire-traps, a bucket of +irresistible salad for Blythe, a modest and tremulous avowal for Wilna as +soon as her father tasted the salad and I had pleasantly notified him of +my intentions concerning his lovely offspring. + +Daylight faded from rose to lilac; already the mountains were growing +fairy-like under that vague, diffuse lustre which heralds the rise of the +full moon. It rose, enormous, yellow, unreal, becoming imperceptibly +silvery as it climbed the sky and hung aloft like a stupendous arc-light +flooding the world with a radiance so white and clear that I could very +easily have written verses by it, if I wrote verses. + +Down on the edge of the forest I could see Blythe on his camp-stool, +madly besmearing his moonlit canvas, but I could not see Wilna anywhere. +Maybe she had shyly retired somewhere by herself to think of me. + +So I went back to the house, filled a bucket with my salad, and started +toward the edge of the woods, singing happily as I sped on feet so light +and frolicsome that they seemed to skim the ground. How wonderful is the +power of love! + +When I approached Blythe he heard me coming and turned around. + +"What the devil do _you_ want?" he asked with characteristic civility. + +"I have brought you," said I gaily, "a bucket of salad." + +"I don't want any salad!" + +"W-what?" + +"I never eat it at night." + +I said confidently: + +"Mr. Blythe, if you will taste this salad I am sure you will not regret +it." And with hideous cunning I set the bucket beside him on the grass +and seated myself near it. The old dodo grunted and continued to daub the +canvas; but presently, as though forgetfully, and from sheer instinct, he +reached down into the bucket, pulled out a leaf of lettuce, and shoved it +into his mouth. + +My heart leaped exultantly. I had him! + +"Mr. Blythe," I began in a winningly modulated voice, and, at the same +instant, he sprang from his camp-chair, his face distorted. + +"There are onions in this salad!" he yelled. "What the devil do you mean! +Are you trying to poison me! What are you following me about for, anyway? +Why are you running about under foot every minute!" + +"My dear Mr. Blythe," I protested--but he barked at me, kicked over the +bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage. + +[Illustration: "Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance +with rage."] + +"What's the matter with you, anyway!" he bawled. "Why are you trying to +feed me? What do you mean by trying to be attentive to me!" + +"I--I admire and revere you--" + +"No you don't!" he shouted. "I don't want you to admire me! I don't +desire to be revered! I don't like attention and politeness! Do you hear! +It's artificial--out of date--ridiculous! The only thing that recommends +a man to me is his bad manners, bad temper, and violent habits. There's +some meaning to such a man, none at all to men like you!" + +He ran at the salad bucket and kicked it again. + +"They all fawned on me in Boston!" he panted. "They ran about under foot! +They bought my pictures! And they made me sick! I came out here to be rid +of 'em!" + +I rose from the grass, pale and determined. + +"You listen to me, you old grouch!" I hissed. "I'll go. But before I go +I'll tell you why I've been civil to you. There's only one reason in the +world: I want to marry your daughter! And I'm going to do it!" + +I stepped nearer him, menacing him with outstretched hand: + +"As for you, you pitiable old dodo, with your bad manners and your worse +pictures, and your degraded mania for prunes, you are a necessary evil +that's all, and I haven't the slightest respect for either you or your +art!" + +"Is that true?" he said in an altered voice. + +"True?" I laughed bitterly. "Of course it's true, you miserable dauber!" + +"D-dauber!" he stammered. + +"Certainly! I _said_ 'dauber,' and I mean it. Why, your work would shame +the pictures on a child's slate!" + +"Smith," he said unsteadily, "I believe I have utterly misjudged you. +I believe you are a good deal of a man, after all--" + +"I'm man enough," said I, fiercely, "to go back, saddle my mule, kidnap +your daughter, and start for home. And I'm going to do it!" + +"Wait!" he cried. "I don't want you to go. If you'll remain I'll be very +glad. I'll do anything you like. I'll quarrel with you, and you can +insult my pictures. It will agreeably stimulate us both. Don't go, +Smith--" + +"If I stay, may I marry Wilna?" + +"If you ask me I won't let you!" + +"Very well!" I retorted, angrily. "Then I'll marry her anyway!" + +"That's the way to talk! Don't go, Smith. I'm really beginning to like +you. And when Billy Green arrives you and he will have a delightfully +violent scene--" + +"What!" + +He rubbed his hands gleefully. + +"He's in love with Wilna. You and he won't get on. It is going to be very +stimulating for me--I can see that! You and he are going to behave most +disagreeably to each other. And I shall be exceedingly unpleasant to you +both! Come, Smith, promise me that you'll stay!" + +Profoundly worried, I stood staring at him in the moonlight, gnawing my +mustache. + +"Very well," I said, "I'll remain if--" + +Something checked me, I did not quite know what for a moment. Blythe, +too, was staring at me in an odd, apprehensive way. Suddenly I realised +that under my feet the ground was stirring. + +"Look out!" I cried; but speech froze on my lips as beneath me the solid +earth began to rock and crack and billow up into a high, crumbling ridge, +moving continually, as the sod cracks, heaves up, and crumbles above the +subterranean progress of a mole. + +Up into the air we were slowly pushed on the ever-growing ridge; and with +us were carried rocks and bushes and sod, and even forest trees. + +I could hear their tap-roots part with pistol-like reports; see great +pines and hemlocks and oaks moving, slanting, settling, tilting crazily +in every direction as they were heaved upward in this gigantic +disturbance. + +Blythe caught me by the arm; we clutched each other, balancing on the +crest of the steadily rising mound. + +"W-what is it?" he stammered. "Look! It's circular. The woods are rising +in a huge circle. What's happening? Do you know?" + +Over me crept a horrible certainty that _something living_ was moving +under us through the depths of the earth--something that, as it +progressed, was heaping up the surface of the world above its unseen +and burrowing course--something dreadful, enormous, sinister, and +_alive_! + +"Look out!" screamed Blythe; and at the same instant the crumbling summit +of the ridge opened under our feet and a fissure hundreds of yards long +yawned ahead of us. + +And along it, shining slimily in the moonlight, a vast, viscous, ringed +surface was moving, retracting, undulating, elongating, writhing, +squirming, shuddering. + +"It's a worm!" shrieked Blythe. "Oh, God! It's a mile long!" + +[Illustration: "'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe."] + +As in a nightmare we clutched each other, struggling frantically to avoid +the fissure; but the soft earth slid and gave way under us, and we fell +heavily upon that ghastly, living surface. + +Instantly a violent convulsion hurled us upward; we fell on it again, +rebounding from the rubbery thing, strove to regain our feet and scramble +up the edges of the fissure, strove madly while the mammoth worm slid +more rapidly through the rocking forests, carrying us forward with a +speed increasing. + +Through the forest we tore, reeling about on the slippery back of the +thing, as though riding on a plowshare, while trees clashed and tilted +and fell from the enormous furrow on every side; then, suddenly out of +the woods into the moonlight, far ahead of us we could see the grassy +upland heave up, cake, break, and crumble above the burrowing course of +the monster. + +"It's making for the crater!" gasped Blythe; and horror spurred us on, +and we scrambled and slipped and clawed the billowing sides of the furrow +until we gained the heaving top of it. + +As one runs in a bad dream, heavily, half-paralyzed, so ran Blythe and I, +toiling over the undulating, tumbling upheaval until, half-fainting, we +fell and rolled down the shifting slope onto solid and unvexed sod on the +very edges of the crater. + +Below us we saw, with sickened eyes, the entire circumference of the +crater agitated, saw it rise and fall as avalanches of rock and earth +slid into it, tons and thousands of tons rushing down the slope, blotting +from our sight the flickering ring of flame, and extinguishing the last +filmy jet of vapour. + +Suddenly the entire crater caved in and filled up under my anguished +eyes, quenching for all eternity the vapour wall, the fire, and burying +the little denizens of the flames, and perhaps a billion dollars' worth +of emeralds under as many billion tons of earth. + +Quieter and quieter grew the earth as the gigantic worm bored straight +down into depths immeasurable. And at last the moon shone upon a world +that lay without a tremor in its milky lustre. + +"I shall name it _Verma gigantica_," said I, with a hysterical sob; "but +nobody will ever believe me when I tell this story!" + +Still terribly shaken, we turned toward the house. And, as we approached +the lamplit veranda, I saw a horse standing there and a young man hastily +dismounting. + +And then a terrible thing occurred; for, before I could even shriek, +Wilna had put both arms around that young man's neck, and both of his +arms were clasping her waist. + +Blythe was kind to me. He took me around the back way and put me to bed. + +And there I lay through the most awful night I ever experienced, +listening to the piano below, where Wilna and William Green were singing, +"Un Peu d'Amour." + + + + +THE EGGS OF THE SILVER MOON + + +In the new white marble Administration Building at Bronx Park, my private +office separated the offices of Dr. Silas Quint and Professor Boomly; and +it had been arranged so on purpose, because of the increasingly frequent +personal misunderstanding between these two celebrated entomologists. +It was very plain to me that a crisis in this quarrel was rapidly +approaching. + +A bitter animosity had for some months existed on both sides, born of the +most intense professional jealousy. They had been friends for years. No +unseemly rivalry disturbed this friendship as long as it was merely a +question of collecting, preparing, and mounting for exhibition the vast +numbers of butterflies and moths which haunt this insectivorous earth. +Even their zeal in the eternal hunt for new and undescribed species had +not made them enemies. + +I am afraid that my suggestion for the construction of a great glass +flying-cage for _living_ specimens of moths and butterflies started the +trouble between these hitherto godly and middle-aged men. That, and the +Carnegie Educational Medal were the causes which began this deplorable +affair. + +Various field collectors, employed by both Quint and Boomly, were always +out all over the world foraging for specimens; also, they were constantly +returning with spoils from every quarter of the globe. + +Now, to secure rare and beautiful living specimens of butterflies and +moths for the crystal flying-cage was a serious and delicate job. Such +tropical insects could not survive the journey of several months from +the wilds of Australia, India, Asia, Africa, or the jungles of South +America--nor could semi-tropical species endure the captivity of a few +weeks or even days, when captured in the West Indies, Mexico, or Florida. +Only our duller-coloured, smaller, and hardier native species tolerated +capture and exhibition. + +Therefore, the mode of procedure which I suggested was for our field +expeditions to obtain males and females of the same species of butterfly +or moth, mate them, and, as soon as any female deposited her eggs, place +the tiny pearl-like eggs in cold storage to retard their hatching, which +normally occurs, in the majority of species, within ten days or two +weeks. + +This now was the usual mode of procedure followed by the field collectors +employed by Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly. And not only were the eggs +of various butterflies and moths so packed for transportation, but a +sufficient store of their various native food-plants was also preserved, +where such food-plants could not be procured in the United States. So +when the eggs arrived at Bronx Park, and were hatched there in due time, +the young caterpillars had plenty of nourishment ready for them in cold +storage. + +Might I not, legitimately, have expected the Carnegie Educational +Medal for all this? I have never received it. I say this without +indignation--even without sorrow. I merely make the statement. + +Yet, my system was really a very beautiful system; a tiny batch of eggs +would arrive from Ceylon, or Sumatra, or Africa; when taken from cold +storage and placed in the herbarium they would presently hatch; the +caterpillars were fed with their accustomed food-plant--a few leaves +being taken from cold storage every day for them--they would pass through +their three or four moulting periods, cease feeding in due time, +transform into the chrysalis stage, and finally appear in all the +splendour and magnificence of butterfly or moth. + +The great glass flying-cage was now alive with superb moths and +butterflies, flitting, darting, fluttering among the flowering bushes +or feeding along the sandy banks of the brook which flowed through +the flying-cage, bordered by thickets of scented flowers. And it was +like looking at a meteoric shower of winged jewels, where the huge +metallic-blue _Morphos_ from South America flapped and sailed, and the +orange and gold and green _Ornithoptera_ from Borneo pursued their +majestic, bird-like flight--where big, glittering _Papilios_ flashed +through the bushes or alighted nervously to feed for a few moments +on jasmine and phlox, and where the slowly flopping _Heliconians_ winged +their way amid the denser tangles of tropical vegetation. + +Nothing like this flying-cage had ever before been seen in New York; +thousands and thousands of men, women, and children thronged the lawn +about the flying-cage all day long. + +By night, also, the effect was wonderful; the electric lights among the +foliage broke out; the great downy-winged moths, which had been asleep +all day while the butterflies flitted through the sunshine, now came out +to display their crimson or peacock-spotted wings, and the butterflies +folded their wings and went to bed for the night. + +The public was enchanted, the authorities of the Bronx proud and +delighted; all apparently was happiness and harmony. Except that nobody +offered me the Carnegie medal. + +I was sitting one morning in my office, which, as I have said, separated +the offices of Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly, when there came a loud +rapping on my door, and, at my invitation, Dr. Quint bustled in--a +little, meagre, excitable, near-sighted man with pointed mustaches and +a fleck of an imperial smudging his lower lip. + +"Last week," he began angrily, "young Jones arrived from Singapore +bringing me the eggs of _Erebia astarte_, the great Silver Moon +butterfly. Attempts to destroy them have been made. Last night I left +them in a breeding-cage on my desk. Has anybody been in there?" + +"I don't know," I said. "What has happened?" + +"I found an ichneumon fly in the cage yesterday!" he shouted; "and this +morning the eggs have either shrunk to half their size or else the eggs +of another species have been secretly substituted for them and the Silver +Moon eggs stolen! Has _he_ been in there?" + +"Who?" I asked, pretending to misunderstand. + +"_He!_" demanded Quint fiercely. "If he has I'll kill him some day." + +_He_ meant his one-time friend, Dr. Boomly. Alas! + +"For heaven's sake, why are you two perpetually squabbling?" I asked +wearily. "You used to be inseparable friends. Why can't you make up?" + +"Because I've come to know him. That's why! I have unmasked this--this +Borgia--this Machiavelli--this monster of duplicity! Matters are +approaching a point where something has got to be done short of murder. +I've stood all his envy and jealousy and cheap imputations and hints and +contemptible innuendoes that I'm going to--" + +He stopped short, glaring at the doorway, which had suddenly been +darkened by the vast bulk of Professor Boomly--a figure largely abdominal +but majestic--like the massive butt end of an elephant. For the rest, he +had a rather insignificant and peevish face and a melancholy mustache +that usually looked damp. + +"Mr. Smith," he said to me, in his thin, high, sarcastic voice--a voice +incongruously at variance with his bulk--"has anybody had the infernal +impudence to enter my room and nose about my desk?" + +"Yes, _I_ have!" replied Quint excitedly. "I've been in your room. What +of it? What about it?" + +Boomly permitted his heavy-lidded eyes to rest on Quint for a moment, +then, turning to me: + +"I want a patent lock put on my door. Will you speak to Professor +Farrago?" + +"I want one put on mine, too!" cried Quint. "I want a lock put on my door +which will keep envious, dull-minded, mentally broken-down, impertinent, +and fat people out of my office!" + +Boomly flushed heavily: + +"Fat?" he repeated, glaring at Quint. "Did you say 'fat?'" + +"Yes, fat--intellectually and corporeally fat! I want that kind of +individual kept out. I don't trust them. I'm afraid of them. Their minds +are atrophied. They are unmoral, possibly even criminal! I don't want +them in my room snooping about to see what I have and what I'm doing. I +don't want them to sneak in, eaten up with jealousy and envy, and try to +damage the eggs of the Silver Moon butterfly because the honour and glory +of hatching them would probably procure for me the Carnegie Educational +Medal--" + +"Why, you little, dried-up, protoplasmic atom!" burst out Boomly, his +face suffused with passion, "Are you insinuating that I have any designs +on your batch of eggs?" + +"It's my belief," shouted Quint, "that you want that medal yourself, and +that you put an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage in hopes it would sting +the eggs of the Silver Moon." + +"If you found an ichneumon fly there," retorted Boomly, "you probably +hatched it in mistake for a butterfly!" And he burst into a peal of +contemptuous laughter, but his little, pig-like eyes under the heavy lids +were furious. + +"I now believe," said Quint, trembling with rage, "that you have +criminally substituted a batch of common _Plexippus_ eggs for the Silver +Moon eggs I had in my breeding-cage! I believe you are sufficiently +abandoned to do it!" + +"Ha! Ha!" retorted Boomly scornfully. "I don't believe you ever +had anything in your breeding-cage except a few clothes moths and +cockroaches!" + +Quint began to dance: + +"You _did_ take them!" he yelled; "and you left me a bunch of milkweed +butterflies' eggs! Give me my eggs or I shall violently assault you!" + +"Assault your grandmother!" remarked Boomly, with unscientific brevity. +"What do you suppose I want of your ridiculous eggs? Haven't I enough +eggs of _Heliconius salome_ hatching to give me the Carnegie medal if +I want it?" + +"The Silver Moon eggs are unique!" cried Quint. "You know it! You know +that if they hatch, pupate, and become perfect insects that I shall +certainly be awarded--" + +"You'll be awarded the Matteawan medal," remarked Boomly with venom. + +Quint ran at him with a half-suppressed howl, his momentum carrying him +halfway up Professor Boomly's person. Then, losing foothold, he fell to +the floor and began to kick in the general direction of Professor Boomly. +It was a sorrowful sight to see these two celebrated scientists panting, +mauling, scuffling and punching each other around the room, tables and +chairs and scrapbaskets flying in every direction, and I mounted on the +window-sill horrified, speechless, trying to keep clear of the revolving +storm centre. + +"Where are my Silver Moon eggs!" screamed Dr. Quint. "Where are my eggs +that Jones brought me from Singapore--you entomological robber! You've +got 'em somewhere! If you don't give 'em up I'll find means to destroy +you!" + +"You insignificant pair of maxillary palpi!" bellowed Professor Boomly, +galloping after Dr. Quint as he dodged around my desk. "I'll pull off +those antennæ you call whiskers if I can get hold of em--" + +Dr. Quint's threatened mustaches bristled as he fled before the +elephantine charge of Professor Boomly--once again around my desk, then +out into the hall, where I heard the door of his office slam, and Boomly, +gasping, panting, breathing vengeance outside, and vowing to leave Quint +quite whiskerless when he caught him. + +It was a painful scene for scientists to figure in or to gaze upon. +Profoundly shocked and upset, I locked up the anthropological department +offices and went out into the Park, where the sun was shining and a +gentle June wind stirred the trees. + +Too completely upset to do any more work that day, I wandered about amid +the gaily dressed crowds at hazard; sometimes I contemplated the monkeys; +sometimes gazed sadly upon the seals. They dashed and splashed and raced +round and round their tank, or crawled up on the rocks, craned their wet, +sleek necks, and barked--houp! houp! houp! + +For luncheon I went over to the Rolling Stone Restaurant. There was a +very pretty girl there--an unusually pretty girl--or perhaps it was one +of those days on which every girl looked unusually pretty to me. There +are such days. + +Her voice was exquisite when she spoke. She said: + +"We have, today, corned beef hash, fried ham and eggs, liver and +bacon--" but let that pass, too. + +I took my tea very weak; by that time I learned that her name was Mildred +Case; that she had been a private detective employed in a department +store, and that her duties had been to nab wealthy ladies who forgot to +pay for objects usually discovered in their reticules, bosoms, and +sometimes in their stockings. + +But the confinement of indoor work had been too much for Mildred Case, +and the only outdoor job she could find was the position of lady +waitress in the rustic Rolling Stone Inn. + +She was very, very beautiful, or perhaps it was one of those days--but +let that pass, too. + +"You are the great Mr. Percy Smith, Curator of the Anthropological +Department, are you not?" she asked shyly. + +"Yes," I said modestly; and, to slightly rebuke any superfluous pride in +me, I paraphrased with becoming humility, pointing upward: "but remember, +Mildred, there is One greater than I." + +"Mr. Carnegie?" she nodded innocently. That was true, too. I let it go at +that. + +We chatted: she mentioned Professor Boomly and Dr. Quint, gently +deploring the rupture of their friendship. Both gentlemen, in common with +the majority of the administration personnel, were daily customers at the +Rolling Stone Inn. I usually took my lunch from my boarding-house to my +office, being too busy to go out for mere nourishment. + +That is why I had hitherto missed Mildred Case. + +"Mildred," I said, "I do not believe it can be wholesome for a man to eat +sandwiches while taking minute measurements of defunct monkeys. Also, it +is not a fragrant pastime. Hereafter I shall lunch here." + +"It will be a pleasure to serve you," said that unusually--there I go +again! It was an unusually beautiful day in June. Which careful, exact, +and scientific statement, I think ought to cover the subject under +consideration. + +After luncheon I sadly selected a five-cent cigar; and, as I hesitated, +lingering over the glass case, undecided still whether to give full rein +to this contemplated extravagance, I looked up and found her beautiful +grey eyes gazing into mine. + +"What gentle thoughts are yours, Mildred?" I said softly. + +"The cigar you have selected," she murmured, "is fly-specked." + +Deeply touched that this young girl should have cared--that she should +have expressed her solicitude so modestly, so sweetly, concerning the +maculatory condition of my cigar, I thanked her and purchased, for the +same sum, a packet of cigarettes. + +That was going somewhat far for me. I had never in all my life even +dreamed of smoking a cigarette. To a reserved, thoughtful, and scientific +mind there is, about a packet of cigarettes, something undignified, +something vaguely frolicsome. + +When I paid her for them I felt as though, for the first time in my life, +I had let myself go. + +Oddly enough, in this uneasy feeling of gaiety and abandon, a curious +sensation of exhilaration persisted. + +We had quite a merry little contretemps when I tried to light my +cigarette and the match went out, and then _she_ struck another match, +and we both laughed, and _that_ match was extinguished by her breath. + +Instantly I quoted: "'Her breath was like the new-mown hay--'" + +"Mr. Smith!" she said, flushing slightly. + +"'Her eyes,' I quoted, 'were like the stars at even!'" + +"You don't mean _my_ eyes, do you?" + +I took a puff at my unlighted cigarette. It also smelled like recently +mown hay. I felt that I was slipping my cables and heading toward an +unknown and tempestuous sea. + +"What time are you free, Mildred?" I asked, scarcely recognising my own +voice in such reckless apropos. + +She shyly informed me. + +I struck a match, relighted my cigarette, and took one puff. That was +sufficient: I was adrift. I realised it, trembled internally, took +another puff. + +"If," said I carelessly, "on your way home you should chance to stroll +along the path beyond the path that leads to the path which--" + +I paused, checked by her bewildered eyes. We both blushed. + +"Which way do you usually go home?" I asked, my ears afire. + +[Illustration: "'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked."] + +She told me. It was a suitably unfrequented path. + +So presently I strolled thither; and seated myself under the trees in a +bosky dell. + +Now, there is a quality in boskiness not inappropriate to romantic +thoughts. Boskiness, cigarettes, a soft afternoon in June, the hum of +bees, and the distant barking of the seals, all these were delicately +blending to inspire in me a bashful sentiment. + +A specimen of _Papilio turnus_, di-morphic form, _Glaucus_, alighted near +me; I marked its flight with scientific indifference. Yet it is a rare +species in Bronx Park. + +A mock-orange bush was in snowy bloom behind me; great bunches of +wistaria hung over the rock beside me. + +The combination of these two exquisite perfumes seemed to make the +boskiness more bosky. + +There was an unaccustomed and sportive lightness to my step when I rose +to meet Mildred, where she came loitering along the shadow-dappled path. + +She seemed surprised to see me. + +She thought it rather late to sit down, but she seated herself. I talked +to her enthusiastically about anthropology. She was so interested that +after a while she could scarcely keep still, moving her slim little feet +restlessly, biting her pretty lower lip, shifting her position--all +certain symptoms of an interest in science which even approached +excitement. + +Warmed to the heart by her eager and sympathetic interest in the noble +science so precious, so dear to me, I took her little hand to soothe and +quiet her, realizing that she might become overexcited as I described the +pituitary body and why its former functions had become atrophied until +the gland itself was nearly obsolete. + +So intense her interest had been that she seemed a little tired. I +decided to give adequate material support to her spinal process. It +seemed to rest and soothe her. I don't remember that she said anything +except: "Mr. _Smith_!" I don't recollect what we were saying when she +mentioned me by name rather abruptly. + +The afternoon was wonderfully still and calm. The month was June. + +After a while--quite a while--some little time in point of accurate +fact--she detected the sound of approaching footsteps. + +I remember that she was seated at the opposite end of the bench, rather +feverishly occupied with her hat and her hair, when young Jones came +hastily along the path, caught sight of us, halted, turned violently +red--being a shy young man--but instead of taking himself off, he seemed +to recover from a momentary paralysis. + +"Mr. Smith!" he said sharply. "Professor Boomly has disappeared; there's +a pool of blood on his desk; his coat, hat, and waistcoat are lying on +the floor, the room is a wreck, and Dr. Quint is in there tearing up the +carpet and behaving like a madman. We think he suddenly went insane and +murdered Professor Boomly. What is to be done?" + +Horrified, I had risen at his first word. And now, as I understood the +full purport of his dreadful message, my hair stirred under my hat and +I gazed at him, appalled. + +"What is to be done?" he demanded. "Shall I telephone for the police?" + +"Do you actually believe," I faltered, "that this unfortunate man has +murdered Boomly?" + +"I don't know. I looked over the transom, but I couldn't see Professor +Boomly. Dr. Quint has locked the door." + +"And he's tearing up the carpet?" + +"Like a lunatic. I didn't want to call in the police until I'd asked you. +Such a scandal in Bronx Park would be a frightful thing for us all--" He +hesitated, looked around, coldly, it seemed to me, at Mildred Case. "A +scandal," he repeated, "is scarcely what might be expected among a +harmonious and earnest band of seekers after scientific knowledge. Is it, +Mil--Miss Case?" + +Now, I don't know why Mildred should have blushed. There was nothing that +I could see in this young man's question to embarrass her. + +Preoccupied, still confused by the shock of this terrible news, I looked +at Jones and at Mildred; and they were staring rather oddly at each +other. + +I said: "If this affair turns out to be as ghastly as it seems to +promise, we'll have to call in a detective. I'll go back immediately--" + +"Why not take me, also?" asked Mildred Case, quietly. + +"What?" I asked, looking at her. + +"Why not, Mr. Smith? I was once a private detective." + +Surprised at the suggestion, I hesitated. + +"If you desire to keep this matter secret--if you wish to have it first +investigated privately and quietly--would it not be a good idea to let me +use my professional knowledge before you call in the police? Because as +soon as the police are summoned all hope of avoiding publicity is at an +end." + +She spoke so sensibly, so quietly, so modestly, that her offer of +assistance deeply impressed me. + +As for young Jones, he looked at her steadily in that odd, chilling +manner, which finally annoyed me. There was no need of his being snobbish +because this very lovely and intelligent young girl happened to be a +waitress at the Rolling Stone Inn. + +"Come," I said unsteadily, again a prey to terrifying emotions; "let us +go to the Administration Building and learn how matters stand. If this +affair is as terrible as I fear it to be, science has received the +deadliest blow ever dealt it since Cagliostro perished." + +As we three strode hastily along the path in the direction of the +Administration Building, I took that opportunity to read these two +youthful fellow beings a sermon on envy, jealousy, and coveteousness. + +"See," said I, "to what a miserable condition the desire for notoriety +and fame has brought two learned and enthusiastic delvers in the vineyard +of endeavor! The mad desire for the Carnegie medal completely turned the +hitherto perfectly balanced brains of these devoted disciples of Science. +Envy begat envy, jealousy begat jealousy, pride begat pride, hatred begat +hatred--" + +"It's like that book in the Bible where everybody begat everybody else," +said Mildred seriously. + +At first I thought she had made an apt and clever remark; but on thinking +it over I couldn't quite see its relevancy. I turned and looked into her +sweet face. Her eyes were dancing with brilliancy and her sensitive lips +quivered. I feared, she was near to tears from the reaction of the shock. +Had Jones not been walking with us--but let that go, too. + +We were now entering the Administration Building, almost running; and +as soon as we came to the closed door of Dr. Quint's room, I could hear +a commotion inside--desk drawers being pulled out and their contents +dumped, curtains being jerked from their rings, an unmistakable sound +indicating the ripping up of a carpet--and through all this din the +agitated scuffle of footsteps. + +I rapped on the door. No notice taken. I rapped and knocked and called in +a low, distinct voice. + +Suddenly I recollected I had a general pass-key on my ring which unlocked +any door in the building. I nodded to Jones and to Mildred to stand +aside, then, gently fitting the key, I suddenly pushed out the key which +remained on the inside, turned the lock, and flung open the door. + +A terrible sight presented itself: Dr. Quint, hair on end, both mustaches +pulled out, shirt, cuffs, and white waistcoat smeared with blood, knelt +amid the general wreckage on the floor, in the act of ripping up the +carpet. + +"Doctor!" I cried in a trembling voice. "What have you done to Professor +Boomly?" + +He paused in his carpet ripping and looked around at us with a terrifying +laugh. + +"I've settled _him_!" he said. "If you don't want to get all over dust +you'd better keep out--" + +"Quint!" I cried. "Are you crazy?" + +"Pretty nearly. Let me alone--" + +"Where is Boomly!" I demanded in a tragic voice. "Where is your old +friend, Billy Boomly? Where is he, Quint? And what does _that_ mean--that +pool of blood on the floor? Whose is it?" + +"It's Bill's," said Quint, coolly ripping up another breadth of carpet +and peering under it. + +"What!" I exclaimed. "Do you admit that?" + +"Certainly I admit it. I told him I'd terminate him if he meddled with my +Silver Moon eggs." + +"You mean to say that you shed blood--the blood of your old +friend--merely because he meddled with a miserable batch of butterfly's +eggs?" I asked, astounded. + +"I certainly did shed his blood for just that particular thing! And +listen; you're in my way--you're standing on a part of the carpet which +I want to tear up. Do you mind moving?" + +Such cold-blooded calmness infuriated me. I sprang at Quint, seized him, +and shouted to Jones to tie his hands behind him with the blood-soaked +handkerchief which lay on the floor. + +At first, while Jones and I were engaged in the operation of securing +the wretched man, Quint looked at us both as though surprised; then he +grew angry and asked us what the devil we were about. + +"Those who shed blood must answer for it!" I said solemnly. + +"What? What's the matter with you?" he demanded in a rage. "Shed blood? +What if I did? What's that to you? Untie this handkerchief, you +unmentionable idiot!" + +I looked at Jones: + +"His mind totters," I said hoarsely. + +"What's that!" cried Quint, struggling to get off the chair whither I had +pushed him: but with my handkerchief we tied his ankles to the rung of +the chair, heedless of his attempts to kick us, and sprang back out of +range. + +"Now," I said, "what have you done with the poor victim of your fury? +Where is he? Where is all that remains of Professor Boomly?" + +"Boomly? I don't know where he is. How the devil should I know?" + +"Don't lie," I said solemnly. + +"Lie! See here, Smith, when I get out of this chair I'll settle you, +too--" + +"Quint! There is another and more terrible chair which awaits such +criminals as you!" + +"You old fluff!" he shouted. "I'll knock your head off, too. Do you +understand? I'll attend to you as I attended to Boomly--" + +"Assassin!" I retorted calmly. "Only an alienist can save you now. In +this awful moment--" + +A light touch on my arm interrupted me, and, a trifle irritated, as any +man might be when checked in the full flow of eloquence, I turned to find +Mildred at my elbow. + +"Let me talk to him," she said in a quiet voice. "Perhaps I may not +irritate him as you seem to." + +"Very well," I said. "Jones and I are here as witnesses." And I folded my +arms in an attitude not, perhaps, unpicturesque. + +"Dr. Quint," said Mildred in her soft, agreeable voice, and actually +smiling slightly at the self-confessed murderer, "is it really true that +you are guilty of shedding the blood of Professor Boomly?" + +"It is," said Quint, coolly. + +She seemed rather taken aback at that, but presently recovered her +equanimity. + +"Why?" she asked gently. + +"Because he attempted a most hellish crime!" yelled Quint. + +"W-what crime?" she asked faintly. + +"I'll tell you. He wanted the Carnegie medal, and he knew it would be +given to me if I could incubate and hatch my batch of Silver Moon +butterfly eggs. He realised well enough that his Heliconian eggs were not +as valuable as my Silver Moon eggs. So first he sneaked in here and put +an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage. And next he stole the Silver Moon +eggs and left in their place some common _Plexippus_ eggs, thinking that +because they were very similar I would not notice the substitution. + +"I did notice it! I charged him with that cataclysmic outrage. He +laughed. We came into personal collision. He chased me into my room." + +Panting, breathless with rage at the memory of the morning's defeat which +I had witnessed, Quint glared at me for a moment. Then he jerked his head +toward Mildred: + +"As soon as he went to luncheon--Boomly, I mean--I climbed over that +transom and dropped into this room. I had been hunting for ten minutes +before I found my Silver Moon eggs hidden under the carpet. So I pocketed +them, climbed back over the transom, and went to my room." + +He paused dramatically, staring from one to another of us: + +"Boomly was there!" he said slowly. + +"Where?" asked Mildred with a shudder. + +"In my room. He had picked the lock. I told him to get out! He went. +I shouted after him that I had recovered the Silver Moon eggs and that +I should certainly be awarded the Carnegie medal. + +"Then that monster in human form laughed a horrible laugh, avowing +himself guilty of a crime still more hideous than the theft of the Silver +Moon eggs! Do you know what he had done?" + +"W-what?" faltered Mildred. + +"He had stolen from cold storage and had concealed the leaves of the +Bimba bush, brought from Singapore to feed the Silver Moon caterpillars! +_That's_ what Boomly had done! + +_"And my Silver Moon eggs had already begun to hatch!!! And my +caterpillars would starve!!!!"_ + +His voice ended in a yell; he struggled on his chair until it nearly +upset. + +"You lunatic!" I shouted. "Was that a reason for spilling the blood of a +human being!" + +"It was reason enough for me!" + +"Madman!" + +"Let me loose! He's hidden those leaves somewhere or other! I've torn +this place to pieces looking for them. I've got to find them, I tell +you--" + +Mildred went to the infuriated entomologist and laid a firm hand on his +shoulder: + +"Listen," she said: "how do you know that Professor Boomly has not +concealed these Bimba leaves on his own person?" + +Quint ceased his contortions and gaped at her. + +"I never thought of that," he said. + +"What have you done with him?" she asked, very pale. + +"I tell you, I don't know." + +"You must know what you did with him," she insisted. + +Quint shook his head impatiently, apparently preoccupied with other +thoughts. We stood watching him in silence until he looked up and became +conscious of our concentrated gaze. + +"My caterpillars are starving," he began violently. "I haven't anything +else they'll eat. They feed only on the Bimba leaf. They _won't_ eat +anything else. It's a well-known fact that they won't. Why, in Johore, +where they came from, they'll travel miles over the ground to find a +Bimba bush--" + +"What!" exclaimed Mildred. + +"Certainly--miles! They'd starve sooner than eat anything except Bimba +leaves. If there's a bush within twenty miles they'll find it--" + +"Wait," said Mildred quietly. "Where are these starving caterpillars?" + +"In a glass jar in my pocket--here! What the devil are you doing!" For +the girl had dexterously slipped the glass jar from his coat pocket and +was holding it up to the light. + +Inside it were several dozen tiny, dark caterpillars, some resting +disconsolately on the sides of the glass, some hungrily travelling over +the bottom in pitiful and hopeless quest of nourishment. + +Heedless of the shouts and threats of Dr. Quint, the girl calmly uncorked +the jar, took on her slender forefinger a single little caterpillar, +replaced the cork, and, kneeling down, gently disengaged the caterpillar. +It dropped upon the floor, remained motionless for a moment, then, +turning, began to travel rapidly toward the doorway behind us. + +"Now," she said, "if poor Professor Boomly really has concealed these +Bimba leaves upon his own person, this little caterpillar, according to +Dr. Quint, is certain to find those leaves." + +[Illustration: "'This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those +leaves.'"] + +Overcome with excitement and admiration for this intelligent and +unusually beautiful girl, I seized her hands and congratulated her. + +"Murder," said I to the miserable Quint, "will out! This infant +caterpillar shall lead us to that dark and secret spot where you had +hoped to conceal the horrid evidence of your guilt. Three things have +undone you--a caterpillar replete with mysterious instinct, a humble +bunch of Bimba leaves, and the marvellous intelligence of this young and +lovely girl. Madman, your hour has struck!" + +He looked at me in a dazed sort of way, as though astonishment had left +him unable to articulate. But I had become tired of his violence and +his shouts and yells; so I asked Jones for his handkerchief, and, before +Quint knew what I was up to I had tied it over his mouth. + +He became a brilliant purple, but all he could utter was a furious +humming, buzzing noise. + +Meanwhile, Jones had opened the door; the little caterpillar, followed by +Mildred and myself, continued to hustle along as though he knew quite +well where he was going. + +Down the hallway he went in undulating haste, past my door, we all +following in silent excitement as we discovered that, parallel to the +caterpillar's course, ran a gruesome trail of blood drops. + +And when the little creature turned and made straight for the door +of Professor Farrago, our revered chief, the excitement among us was +terrific. + +The caterpillar halted; I gently tried the door; it was open. + +Instantly the caterpillar crossed the threshold, wriggling forward at top +speed. We followed, peering fearfully around us. Nobody was visible. + +Could Quint have dragged his victim here? By Heaven, he had! For the +caterpillar was travelling straight under the lounge upon which Professor +Farrago was accustomed to repose after luncheon, and, dropping on one +knee, I saw a fat foot partly protruding from under the shirred edges of +the fringed drapery. + +"He's there!" I whispered, in an awed voice to the others. + +"Courage, Miss Case! Try not to faint." + +Jones turned and looked at her with that same odd expression; then he +went over to where she stood and coolly passed one arm around her waist. + +"Try not to faint, Mildred," he said. "It might muss your hair." + +It was a strange thing to say, but I had no time then to analyze it, for +I had seized the fat foot which partly protruded from under the sofa, +clad in a low-cut congress gaiter and a white sock. + +And then _I_ nearly fainted, for instead of the dreadful, inert +resistance of lifeless clay, the foot wriggled and tried to kick at me. + +"Help!" came a thin but muffled voice. "Help! Help, in the name of +Heaven!" + +"Boomly!" I cried, scarcely believing my ears. + +"Take that man away, Smith!" whimpered Boomly. "He's a devil! He'll +murder me! He made my nose bleed all over everything!" + +"Boomly! You're _not_ dead!" + +"Yes, I am!" he whined. "I'm dead enough to suit me. Keep that little +lunatic off--that's all I ask. He can have his Carnegie medal for all +I care, only tie him up somewhere--" + +"Professor Boomly!" cried Mildred excitedly. "Have you any Bimba leaves +concealed about your person?" + +"Yes, I have," he said sulkily. There came a hitch of the fat foot, a +heavy scuffling sound, heavy panting, and then, skittering out across the +floor came a flat, sealed parcel. + +"There you are," he said; "now, let me alone until that fiend has gone +home." + +"He won't attack you again," I said. "Come out." + +But Professor Boomly flatly declined to stir. + +I looked at the parcel: it was marked: "Bimba leaves; Johore." + +With a sigh of unutterable relief, I picked up the ravenous little +caterpillar, placed him on the packet, and turned to go. And didn't. + +It is a very sickening fact I have now to record. But to a scientist all +facts are sacred, sickening or otherwise. + +For what I caught a glimpse of, just outside the door in the hallway, +was Jones kissing Mildred Case. And being shyly indemnified for his +trouble with a gentle return in kind. Both his arms were around her +waist; both her hands rested upon his shoulders; and, as I looked--but +let it pass!--let it pass. + +Deliberately I fished in my pocket, found my packet of cigarettes, +lighted one. + +_Tobacco diffugiunt mordaces curae et laetificat cor hominis!_ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. 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Chambers. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + + .linenum {position: absolute; top: auto; left: 4%;} /* poetry number */ + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + .pagenum {position: absolute; left: 92%; font-size: smaller; text-align: right;} /* page numbers */ + .sidenote {width: 20%; padding-bottom: .5em; padding-top: .5em; + padding-left: .5em; padding-right: .5em; margin-left: 1em; + float: right; clear: right; margin-top: 1em; + font-size: smaller; background: #eeeeee; border: dashed 1px;} + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 2px;} + + .center {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .footnotes {border: dashed 1px;} + .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + .footnote .label {position: absolute; right: 84%; text-align: right;} + .fnanchor {vertical-align: super; font-size: .8em; text-decoration: none;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. Chambers + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Police!!! + +Author: Robert W. Chambers + +Illustrator: Henry Hutt + +Release Date: June 6, 2006 [EBook #18515] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLICE!!! *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/cover.jpg"><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h1>POLICE!!!</h1> + +<h2>BY ROBERT W. CHAMBERS</h2> + +<h4>ILLUSTRATED BY HENRY HUTT</h4> + +<h4>NEW YORK AND LONDON<br /> +D. APPLETON AND COMPANY<br /> +1915</h4> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<p>TO LOUISE JOCELYN</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">All the pretty things you say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All the pretty things you do<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In your own delightful way<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Make me fall in love with you,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Turning Autumn into May.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Every day is twice as gay<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Just because of you, Louise!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which is going some, you say?<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In my dull, pedantic way<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I am fashioning my lay<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Just because I want to please.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Just because the things you say,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Just because the things you do<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In your clever, charming way<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Make me fall in love with you.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That is all, my dear, to-day.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>R.W.C.</p> + +<p><i>Christmas, 1915.</i></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col01" id="col01"></a> +<img src="images/col01.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and alert."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<p> +<a href="#FOREWORD">FOREWORD</a><br /> +<a href="#PREFACE">PREFACE</a><br /> +<a href="#LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS">LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</a><br /> +<a href="#THE_THIRD_EYE">THE THIRD EYE</a><br /> +<a href="#THE_IMMORTAL">THE IMMORTAL</a><br /> +<a href="#THE_LADIES_OF_THE_LAKE">THE LADIES OF THE LAKE</a><br /> +<a href="#ONE_OVER">ONE OVER</a><br /> +<a href="#UN_PEU_DAMOUR">UN PEU D'AMOUR</a><br /> +<a href="#THE_EGGS_OF_THE_SILVER_MOON">THE EGGS OF THE SILVER MOON</a><br /> +</p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="FOREWORD" id="FOREWORD"></a>FOREWORD</h2> + + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Give me no gold nor palaces<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor quarts of gems in chalices<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor mention me in Who is Who<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd rather roam abroad with you<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Investigating sky and land,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Volcanoes, lakes, and glacial sand<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd rather climb with all my legs<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To find a nest of speckled eggs,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or watch the spotted spider spin<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Or see a serpent shed its skin!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Give me no star-and-garter blue!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'd rather roam around with you.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Flatten me not with flattery!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Walk with me to the Battery,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And see in glassy tanks the seals,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The sturgeons, flounders, smelt and eels<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Disport themselves in ichthyic curves—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when it gets upon our nerves<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then, while our wabbling taxi honks<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll tell you all about the Bronx,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where captive wild things mope and stare<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through grills of steel that bar each lair<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Doomed to imprisonment for life—<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And you may go and take your wife.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Come to the Park<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> with me;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I'll show you crass stupidity<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which sentences the hawk and fox<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To inactivity, and locks<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The door of freedom on the lynx<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Where puma pines and eagle stinks.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Never a slaver's fetid hold<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Has held the misery untold<br /></span> +<span class="i0">That crowds the great cats' kennels where<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Their vacant eyes glare blank despair<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Half crazed by sloth, half dazed by fear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">All day, all night, year after year.<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">To the swift, clean things that cleave the air<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the swift, clean things that cleave the sea<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To the swift, clean things that brave and dare<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Forest and peak and prairie free,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A cage to craze and stifle and stun<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a fat man feeding a penny bun<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And a she-one giggling, "Ain't it grand!"<br /></span> +<span class="i0">As she drags a dirty-nosed brat by the hand.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Central Park, filthiest, cruellest and most outrageous of +zoological exhibitions.</p></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs011.jpg"><img src="images/gs011.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2> + + +<p>On a beautiful day in spring as I was running as hard as I could run +pursued by the New York police and a number of excited citizens, my mind, +which becomes brilliantly active under physical exhilaration, began to +work busily.</p> + +<p>I thought about all sorts of things: I thought about hard times and +financial depression and about our great President who is in a class +all alone with himself and soon to become extinct; I thought about +art and why there isn't any when it's talked about; I thought of +macro-lepidoptera, of metagrammatism, monoliths, manicures, and monsoons.</p> + +<p>And all the time I was running as fast as I could run; and the faster I +ran the more things I thought about until my terrific pace set my brain +whizzing like a wheel.</p> + +<p>I felt no remorse at having published these memoirs of my life—which was +why the police and populace were pursuing me, maddened to frenzy by the +fearless revelation of mighty scientific truths in this little volume you +are about to attempt to read. <i>Ubicumque ars ostentatur, veritas abesse +videtur!</i></p> + +<p>I thought about it clearly, calmly, concisely as I fled. The maddened +shouts of the prejudiced populace did not disturb me. Around and around +the Metropolitan Museum of Art I ran; the inmates of that institution +came out to watch me and they knew at a glance that I was one of them for +they set up a clamor like a bunch of decoy ducks when one of their wild +comrades comes whirling by.</p> + +<p>"Police! Police!" they shouted; but I went careering on uptown, afraid +only that the park squirrels might club together to corner me. There are +corners in grain. Why not in—but let that pass.</p> + +<p>I took the park wall in front of the great Mr. Carnegie's cottage at a +single bound. He stood on his terrace and shouted, "Police!" He was quite +logical.</p> + +<p>The Equal Franchise Society was having a May party in the park near the +Harlem Mere. They had chosen the Honorable William Jennings Bryan as +Queen of the May. He wore low congress-gaiters and white socks; he was +walking under a canopy, crowned with paper flowers, his hair curled over +his coat collar, the tips of his fingers were suavely joined over his +abdomen.</p> + +<p>The moment he caught sight of me he shouted, "Police!"</p> + +<p>He was right. The cabinet lacked only me.</p> + +<p>And I might have consented to tarry—might have allowed myself to be +apprehended for political purposes, had not a nobler, holier, more +imperative duty urged me northward still.</p> + +<p>Though all Bloomingdale shouted, "Stop him!" and all Matteawan yelled, +"Police!" I should not have consented to pause. Even the quackitudinous +recognition spontaneously offered by the Metropolitan Museum had not been +sufficient to decoy me to my fellows.</p> + +<p>I knew, of course, that I could find a sanctuary and a welcome in many +places—in almost any sectarian edifice, any club, any newspaper office, +any of the great publishers', any school, any museum; I knew that I would +be welcomed at Columbia University, at the annex to the Hall of Fame, in +the Bishop's Palace on Morningside Heights—there were many places all +ready to receive, understand and honour me.</p> + +<p>For a sufficiently crippled intellect, for a still-born brain, for the +intellectually aborted, there is always a place on some editorial, +sectarian, or educational staff.</p> + +<p>Try It!</p> + +<p>But I had other ideas as I galloped northward. The voiceless summons of +the most jealous of mistresses was making siren music in my ears. That +coquettish jade, Science, was calling me by wireless, and I was +responding with both legs.</p> + +<p>And so, at last, I arrived at the Bronx Park and dashed into the +Administration Building where everybody rose and cheered me to the echo.</p> + +<p>I was at home at last, unterrified, undismayed, and ready again as always +to dedicate my life to the service of Truth and to every caprice and whim +of my immortal mistress, Science. But I don't want to marry her.</p> + +<p><i>Magna est veritas! Sed major et longinquo reverentia.</i></p> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS" id="LIST_OF_ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> + +<p><a href="#col01">"Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and alert"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs032">"Climbing about among the mangroves above the water"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs056">"To see him feed made me sick"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#col02">"'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He's one of them! Knock him flat with your +riflestock!'"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs091">"Say, listen, Bo—I mean Prof., I've got the goods'"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs112">"He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the music might lure +a cave-girl down the hill"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs116">"Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs121">"I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs150">"The heavy artillery was evidently frightened"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs154">"Somebody had swooned in his arms, too"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs170">"'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death it will be murder'"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#col03">"Then a horrible thing occurred"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs214">"I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs226">"Out of the mud rose <i>five or six dozen mammoths</i>"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs228">"Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record the scientific +triumph of the ages"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#col04">"'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs254">"Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce leaves"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#col05">"'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. Smith!'"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs277">"Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs282">"'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#gs302">"'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked"</a></p> + +<p><a href="#col06">"This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those leaves'"</a></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>POLICE!!!</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p>Being a few deathless truths concerning several mysteries recently and +scientifically unravelled by a modest servant of Science.</p> + +<p><i>Quo quisque stultior, eo magis insolescit.</i></p> + + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_THIRD_EYE" id="THE_THIRD_EYE"></a>THE THIRD EYE</h2> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs024.jpg"><img src="images/gs024.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + +<p>Although the man's back was turned toward me, I was uncomfortably +conscious that he was watching me. How he could possibly be watching +me while I stood directly behind him, I did not ask myself; yet, +nevertheless, instinct warned me that I was being inspected; that +somehow or other the man was staring at me as steadily as though he and +I had been face to face and his faded, sea-green eyes were focussed upon +me.</p> + +<p>It was an odd sensation which persisted in spite of logic, and of which +I could not rid myself. Yet the little waitress did not seem to share it. +Perhaps she was not under his glassy inspection. But then, of course, I +could not be either.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs026.jpg"><img src="images/gs026.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + +<p>No doubt the nervous tension incident to the expedition was making me +supersensitive and even morbid.</p> + +<p>Our sail-boat rode the shallow torquoise-tinted waters at anchor, rocking +gently just off the snowy coral reef on which we were now camping. The +youthful waitress who, for economy's sake, wore her cap, apron, collar +and cuffs over her dainty print dress, was seated by the signal fire +writing in her diary. Sometimes she thoughtfully touched her pencil point +with the tip of her tongue; sometimes she replenished the fire from a +pile of dead mangrove branches heaped up on the coral reef beside her. +Whatever she did she accomplished gracefully.</p> + +<p>As for the man, Grue, his back remained turned toward us both and he +continued, apparently, to scan the horizon for the sail which we all +expected. And all the time I could not rid myself of the unpleasant idea +that somehow or other he was looking at me, watching attentively the +expression of my features and noting my every movement.</p> + +<p>The smoke of our fire blew wide across leagues of shallow, sparkling +water, or, when the wind veered, whirled back into our faces across the +reef, curling and eddying among the standing mangroves like fog drifting.</p> + +<p>Seated there near the fire, from time to time I swept the horizon with my +marine glasses; but there was no sign of Kemper; no sail broke the far +sweep of sky and water; nothing moved out there save when a wild duck +took wing amid the dark raft of its companions to circle low above the +ocean and settle at random, invisible again except when, at intervals, +its white breast flashed in the sunshine.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the waitress had ceased to write in her diary and now sat with +the closed book on her knees and her pencil resting against her lips, +gazing thoughtfuly at the back of Grue's head.</p> + +<p>It was a ratty head of straight black hair, and looked greasy. The rest +of him struck me as equally unkempt and dingy—a youngish man, lean, +deeply bitten by the sun of the semi-tropics to a mahogany hue, and +unusually hairy.</p> + +<p>I don't mind a brawny, hairy man, but the hair on Grue's arms and chest +was a rusty red, and like a chimpanzee's in texture, and sometimes a +wildly absurd idea possessed me that the man needed it when he went about +in the palm forests without his clothes.</p> + +<p>But he was only a "poor white"—a "cracker" recruited from one of the +reefs near Pelican Light, where he lived alone by fishing and selling his +fish to the hotels at Heliatrope City. The sail-boat was his; he figured +as our official guide on this expedition—an expedition which already had +begun to worry me a great deal.</p> + +<p>For it was, perhaps, the wildest goose chase and the most absurdly +hopeless enterprise ever undertaken in the interest of science by the +Bronx Park authorities.</p> + +<p>Nothing is more dreaded by scientists than ridicule; and it was in spite +of this terror of ridicule that I summoned sufficient courage to organize +an exploring party and start out in search of something so extraordinary, +so hitherto unheard of, that I had not dared reveal to Kemper by letter +the object of my quest.</p> + +<p>No, I did not care to commit myself to writing just yet; I had merely +sent Kemper a letter to join me on Sting-ray Key.</p> + +<p>He telegraphed me from Tampa that he would join me at the rendezvous; and +I started directly from Bronx Park for Heliatrope City; arrived there in +three days; found the waitress all ready to start with me; inquired about +a guide and discovered the man Grue in his hut off Pelican Light; made my +bargain with him; and set sail for Sting-ray Key, the most excited and +the most nervous young man who ever had dared disaster in the sacred +cause of science.</p> + +<p>Everything was now at stake, my honour, reputation, career, fortune. For, +as chief of the Anthropological Field Survey Department of the great +Bronx Park Zoölogical Society, I was perfectly aware that no scientific +reputation can survive ridicule.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, the die had been cast, the Rubicon crossed in a sail-boat +containing one beachcombing cracker, one hotel waitress, a pile of +camping kit and special utensils, and myself!</p> + +<p>How was I going to tell Kemper? How was I going to confess to him that I +was staking my reputation as an anthropologist upon a letter or two and +a personal interview with a young girl—a waitress at the Hotel Gardenia +in Heliatrope City?</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>I lowered my sea-glasses and glanced sideways at the waitress. She was +still chewing the end of her pencil, reflectively.</p> + +<p>She was a pretty girl, one Evelyn Grey, and had been a country +school-teacher in Massachusetts until her health broke.</p> + +<p>Florida was what she required; but that healing climate was possible to +her only if she could find there a self-supporting position.</p> + +<p>Also she had nourished an ambition for a postgraduate education, with +further aspirations to a Government appointment in the Smithsonian +Institute.</p> + +<p>All very worthy, no doubt—in fact, particularly commendable because the +wages she saved as waitress in a Florida hotel during the winter were her +only means of support while studying for college examinations during the +summer in Boston, where she lived.</p> + +<p>Yet, although she was an inmate of Massachusetts, her face and figure +would have ornamented any light-opera stage. I never looked at her but +I thought so; and her cuffs and apron merely accentuated the delusion. +Such ankles are seldom seen when the curtain rises after the overture. +Odd that frivolous thoughts could flit through an intellect dedicated +only to science!</p> + +<p>The man, Grue, had not stirred from his survey of the Atlantic Ocean. He +had a somewhat disturbing capacity for remaining motionless—like a +stealthy and predatory bird which depends on immobility for aggressive +and defensive existence.</p> + +<p>The sea-wind fluttered his cotton shirt and trousers and the tattered +brim of his straw hat. And always I felt as though he were watching me +out of the back of his ratty head, through the ravelled straw brim that +sagged over his neck.</p> + +<p>The pretty waitress had now chewed the end of her pencil to a +satisfactory pulp, and she was writing again in her diary, very intently, +so that my cautious touch on her arm seemed to startle her.</p> + +<p>Meeting her inquiring eyes I said in a low voice:</p> + +<p>"I am not sure why, but I don't seem to care very much for that man, +Grue. Do you?"</p> + +<p>She glanced at the water's edge, where Grue stood, immovable, his back +still turned to us.</p> + +<p>"I never liked him," she said under her breath.</p> + +<p>"Why?" I asked cautiously.</p> + +<p>She merely shrugged her shoulders. She did it gracefully.</p> + +<p>I said:</p> + +<p>"Have you any particular reason for disliking him?"</p> + +<p>"He's dirty."</p> + +<p>"He <i>looks</i> dirty, yet every day he goes into the sea and swims about. He +ought to be clean enough."</p> + +<p>She thought for a moment, then:</p> + +<p>"He seems, somehow, to be fundamentally unclean—I don't mean that he +doesn't wash himself. But there are certain sorts of animals and birds +and other creatures from which one instinctively shrinks—not, perhaps, +because they are materially unclean—"</p> + +<p>"I understand," I said. After a silence I added: "Well, there's no chance +now of sending him back, even if I were inclined to do so. He appears to +be familiar with these latitudes. I don't suppose we could find a better +man for our purpose. Do you?"</p> + +<p>"No. He was a sponge fisher once, I believe."</p> + +<p>"Did he tell you so?"</p> + +<p>"No. But yesterday, when you took the boat and cruised to the south, I +sat writing here and keeping up the fire. And I saw Grue climbing about +among the mangroves over the water in a most uncanny way; and two +snake-birds sat watching him, and they never moved.</p> + +<p>"He didn't seem to see them; his back was toward them. And then, all at +once, he leaped backward at them where they sat on a mangrove, and he got +one of them by the neck—"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs032" id="gs032"></a> +<img src="images/gs032.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Climbing about among the mangroves above the water"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>"What!"</p> + +<p>The girl nodded.</p> + +<p>"By the neck," she repeated, "and down they went into the water. And what +do you suppose happened?"</p> + +<p>"I can't imagine," said I with a grimace.</p> + +<p>"Well, Grue went under, still clutching the squirming, flapping bird; and +he <i>stayed</i> under."</p> + +<p>"Stayed under the <i>water</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, longer than any sponge diver I ever heard of. And I was becoming +frightened when the bloody bubbles and feathers began to come up—"</p> + +<p>"<i>What</i> was he doing under water?"</p> + +<p>"He must have been tearing the bird to pieces. Oh, it was quite +unpleasant, I assure you, Mr. Smith. And when he came up and looked +at me out of those very vitreous eyes he resembled something horridly +amphibious.... And I felt rather sick and dizzy."</p> + +<p>"He's got to stop that sort of thing!" I said angrily. "Snake-birds are +harmless and I won't have him killing them in that barbarous fashion. +I've warned him already to let birds alone. I don't know how he catches +them or why he kills them. But he seems to have a mania for doing it—"</p> + +<p>I was interrupted by Grue's soft and rather pleasant voice from the +water's edge, announcing a sail on the horizon. He did not turn when +speaking.</p> + +<p>The next moment I made out the sail and focussed my glasses on it.</p> + +<p>"It's Professor Kemper," I announced presently.</p> + +<p>"I'm so glad," remarked Evelyn Grey.</p> + +<p>I don't know why it should have suddenly occurred to me, apropos of +nothing, that Billy Kemper was unusually handsome. Or why I should +have turned and looked at the pretty waitress—except that she was, +perhaps, worth gazing upon from a purely non-scientific point of view. In +fact, to a man not entirely absorbed in scientific research and not +passionately and irrevocably wedded to his profession, her violet-blue +eyes and rather sweet mouth might have proved disturbing.</p> + +<p>As I was thinking about this she looked up at me and smiled.</p> + +<p>"It's a good thing," I thought to myself, "that I am irrevocably wedded +to my profession." And I gazed fixedly across the Atlantic Ocean.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>There was scarcely sufficient breeze of a steady character to bring +Kemper to Sting-ray Key; but he got out his sweeps when I hailed him and +came in at a lively clip, anchoring alongside of our boat and leaping +ashore with that unnecessary dash and abandon which women find pleasing.</p> + +<p>Glancing sideways at my waitress through my spectacles, I found her +looking into a small hand mirror and patting her hair with one slim and +suntanned hand.</p> + +<p>When Professor Kemper landed on the coral he shot a curious look at Grue, +and then came striding across the reef to me.</p> + +<p>"Hello, Smithy!" he said, holding out his hand. "Here I am, you see! Now +what's up—"</p> + +<p>Just then Evelyn Grey got up from her seat beside the fire; and Kemper +turned and gazed at her with every symptom of unfeigned approbation.</p> + +<p>I introduced him. Evelyn Grey seemed a trifle indifferent. A good-looking +man doesn't last long with a clever woman. I smiled to myself, polishing +my spectacles gleefully. Yet, I had no idea why I was smiling.</p> + +<p>We three people turned and walked toward the comb of the reef. A solitary +palm represented the island's vegetation, except, of course, for the +water-growing mangroves.</p> + +<p>I asked Miss Grey to precede us and wait for us under the palm; +and she went forward in that light-footed way of hers which, to any +non-scientific man, might have been a trifle disturbing. It had no effect +upon me. Besides, I was looking at Grue, who had gone to the fire and was +evidently preparing to fry our evening meal of fish and rice. I didn't +like to have him cook, but I wasn't going to do it myself; and my pretty +waitress didn't know how to cook anything more complicated than beans. +We had no beans.</p> + +<p>Kemper said to me:</p> + +<p>"Why on earth did you bring a waitress?"</p> + +<p>"Not to wait on table," I replied, amused. "I'll explain her later. +Meanwhile, I merely want to say that you need not remain with this +expedition if you don't want to. It's optional with you."</p> + +<p>"That's a funny thing to say!"</p> + +<p>"No, not funny; sad. The truth is that if I fail I'll be driven into +obscurity by the ridicule of my brother scientists the world over. I had +to tell them at the Bronx what I was going after. Every man connected +with the society attempted to dissuade me, saying that the whole thing +was absurd and that my reputation would suffer if I engaged in such a +ridiculous quest. So when you hear what that girl and I are after out +here in the semi-tropics, and when you are in possession of the only +evidence I have to justify my credulity, if you want to go home, go. +Because I don't wish to risk your reputation as a scientist unless you +choose to risk it yourself."</p> + +<p>He regarded me curiously, then his eyes strayed toward the palm-tree +which Evelyn Grey was now approaching.</p> + +<p>"All right," he said briefly, "let's hear what's up."</p> + +<p>So we moved forward to rejoin the girl, who had already seated herself +under the tree.</p> + +<p>She looked very attractive in her neat cuffs, tiny cap, and pink print +gown, as we approached her.</p> + +<p>"Why does she dress that way?" asked Kemper, uneasily.</p> + +<p>"Economy. She desires to use up the habiliments of a service which there +will be no necessity for her to reënter if this expedition proves +successful."</p> + +<p>"Oh. But Smithy—"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Was it—moral—to bring a waitress?"</p> + +<p>"Perfectly," I replied sharply. "Science knows no sex!"</p> + +<p>"I don't understand how a waitress can be scientific," he muttered, "and +there seems to be no question about her possessing plenty of sex—"</p> + +<p>"If that girl's conclusions are warranted," I interrupted coldly, "she is +a most intelligent and clever person. <i>I</i> think they are warranted. If +you don't, you may go home as soon as you like."</p> + +<p>I glanced at him; he was smiling at her with that strained politeness +which alters the natural expression of men in the imminence of a +conversation with a new and pretty woman.</p> + +<p>I often wonder what particular combination of facial muscles are brought +into play when that politely receptive expression transforms the normal +and masculine features into a fixed simper.</p> + +<p>When Kemper and I had seated ourselves, I calmly cut short the small talk +in which he was already indulging, and to which, I am sorry to say, my +pretty waitress was beginning to respond. I had scarcely thought it of +her—but that's neither here nor there—and I invited her to recapitulate +the circumstances which had resulted in our present foregathering here on +this strip of coral in the Atlantic Ocean.</p> + +<p>She did so very modestly and without embarrassment, stating the case and +reviewing the evidence so clearly and so simply that I could see how +every word she uttered was not only amazing but also convincing Kemper.</p> + +<p>When she had ended he asked a few questions very seriously:</p> + +<p>"Granted," he said, "that the pituitary gland represents what we assume +it represents, how much faith is to be placed in the testimony of a +Seminole Indian?"</p> + +<p>"A Seminole Indian," she replied, "has seldom or never been known to lie. +And where a whole tribe testify alike the truth of what they assert can +not be questioned."</p> + +<p>"How did you make them talk? They are a sullen, suspicious people, +haughty, uncommunicative, seldom even replying to an ordinary question +from a white man."</p> + +<p>"They consider me one of them."</p> + +<p>"Why?" he asked in surprise.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you why. It came about through a mere accident. I was waitress +at the hotel; it happened to be my afternoon off; so I went down to the +coquina dock to study. I study in my leisure moments, because I wish to +fit myself for a college examination."</p> + +<p>Her charming face became serious; she picked up the hem of her apron and +continued to pleat it slowly and with precision as she talked:</p> + +<p>"There was a Seminole named Tiger-tail sitting there, his feet dangling +above his moored canoe, evidently waiting for the tide to turn before he +went out to spear crayfish. I merely noticed he was sitting there in the +sunshine, that's all. And then I opened my mythology book and turned to +the story of Argus, on which I was reading up.</p> + +<p>"And this is what happened: there was a picture of the death of Argus, +facing the printed page which I was reading—the well-known picture where +Juno is holding the head of the decapitated monster—and I had read +scarcely a dozen words in the book before the Seminole beside me leaned +over and placed his forefinger squarely upon the head of Argus.</p> + +<p>"'Who?' he demanded.</p> + +<p>"I looked around good-humoredly and was surprised at the evident +excitement of the Indian. They're not excitable, you know.</p> + +<p>"'That,' said I, 'is a Greek gentleman named Argus.' I suppose he thought +I meant a Minorcan, for he nodded. Then, without further comment, he +placed his finger on Juno.</p> + +<p>"'<i>Who?</i>' he inquired emphatically.</p> + +<p>"I said flippantly: 'Oh, that's only my aunt, Juno.'</p> + +<p>"'Aunty of you?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes.'</p> + +<p>"'She kill 'um Three-eye?'</p> + +<p>"Argus had been depicted with three eyes.</p> + +<p>"'Yes,' I said, 'my Aunt Juno had Argus killed.'</p> + +<p>"'Why kill 'um?'</p> + +<p>"'Well, Aunty needed his eyes to set in the tails of the peacocks which +drew her automobile. So when they cut off the head of Argus my aunt had +the eyes taken out; and that's a picture of how she set them into the +peacock.'</p> + +<p>"'Aunty of <i>you</i>?' he repeated.</p> + +<p>"'Certainly,' I said gravely; 'I am a direct descendant of the Goddess of +Wisdom. That's why I'm always studying when you see me down on the dock +here.'</p> + +<p>"<i>'You Seminole!</i>' he said emphatically.</p> + +<p>"'Seminole,' I repeated, puzzled.</p> + +<p>"'You Seminole! Aunty Seminole—<i>you</i> Seminole!'</p> + +<p>"'Why, Tiger-tail?'</p> + +<p>"'Seminole hunt Three-eye long time—hundred, hundred year—hunt 'um +Three-eye, kill 'um Three-eye.'</p> + +<p>"'You say that for hundreds of years the Seminoles have hunted a creature +with three eyes?'</p> + +<p>"'Sure! Hunt 'um now!'</p> + +<p>"'<i>Now?</i>'</p> + +<p>"'Sure!'</p> + +<p>"'But, Tiger-tail, if the legends of your people tell you that the +Seminoles hunted a creature with three eyes hundreds of years ago, +certainly no such three-eyed creatures remain today?'</p> + +<p>"'Some.'</p> + +<p>"'What! Where?'</p> + +<p>"'Black Bayou.'</p> + +<p>"'Do you mean to tell me that a living creature with three eyes still +inhabits the forests of Black Bayou?'</p> + +<p>"'Sure. Me see 'um. Me kill 'um three-eye man.'</p> + +<p>"'You have killed a man who had <i>three eyes</i>?'</p> + +<p>"'Sure!'</p> + +<p>"'A man? <i>With three eyes?</i>'</p> + +<p>"'Sure.'"</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>The pretty waitress, excitedly engrossed in her story, was unconsciously +acting out the thrilling scene of her dialogue with the Indian, even +imitating his voice and gestures. And Kemper and I listened and watched +her breathlessly, fascinated by her lithe and supple grace as well as by +the astounding story she was so frankly unfolding with the consummate +artlessness of a natural actress.</p> + +<p>She turned her flushed face to us:</p> + +<p>"I made up my mind," she said, "that Tiger-tail's story was worth +investigating. It was perfectly easy for me to secure corroboration, +because that Seminole went back to his Everglade camp and told every one +of his people that I was a white Seminole because my ancestors also +hunted the three-eyed man and nobody except a Seminole could know that +such a thing as a three-eyed man existed.</p> + +<p>"So, the next afternoon off, I embarked in Tiger-tail's canoe and he +took me to his camp. And there I talked to his people, men and women, +questioning, listening, putting this and that together, trying to +discover some foundation for their persistent statements concerning men, +still living in the jungles of Black Bayou, who had three eyes instead +of two.</p> + +<p>"All told the same story; all asserted that since the time their records +ran the Seminoles had hunted and slain every three-eyed man they could +catch; and that as long as the Seminoles had lived in the Everglades the +three-eyed men had lived in the forests beyond Black Bayou."</p> + +<p>She paused, dramatically, cooling her cheeks in her palms and looking +from Kemper to me with eyes made starry by excitement.</p> + +<p>"And <i>what</i> do you think!" she continued, under her breath. "To prove +what they said they brought for my inspection a skull. And then two more +skulls like the first one.</p> + +<p>"Every skull had been painted with Spanish red; the coarse black hair +still stuck to the scalps. And, behind, just over where the pituitary +gland is situated, was a hollow, bony orbit—unmistakably the socket of +a <i>third eye</i>!"</p> + +<p>"W-where are those skulls?" demanded Kemper, in a voice not entirely +under control.</p> + +<p>"They wouldn't part with one of them. I tried every possible persuasion. +On my own responsibility, and even before I communicated with Mr. +Smith—" turning toward me, "—I offered them twenty thousand dollars for +a single skull, staking my word of honour that the Bronx Museum would +pay that sum.</p> + +<p>"It was useless. Not only do the Seminoles refuse to part with one of +those skulls, but I have also learned that I am the first person with a +white skin who has ever even heard of their existence—so profoundly have +these red men of the Everglades guarded their secret through centuries."</p> + +<p>After a silence Kemper, rather pale, remarked:</p> + +<p>"This is a most astonishing business, Miss Grey."</p> + +<p>"What do you think about it?" I demanded. "Is it not worth while for us +to explore Black Bayou?"</p> + +<p>He nodded in a dazed sort of way, but his gaze remained riveted on the +girl. Presently he said:</p> + +<p>"Why does Miss Grey go?"</p> + +<p>She turned in surprise:</p> + +<p>"Why am I going? But it is <i>my</i> discovery—<i>my</i> contribution to science, +isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly!" we exclaimed warmly and in unison. And Kemper added: "I was +only thinking of the dangers and hardships. Smith and I could do the +actual work—"</p> + +<p>"Oh!" she cried in quick protest, "I wouldn't miss one moment of the +excitement, one pain, one pang! I <i>love</i> it! It would simply break my +heart not to share every chance, hazard, danger of this expedition—every +atom of hope, excitement, despair, uncertainty—and the ultimate +success—the unsurpassable thrill of exultation in the final instant +of triumph!"</p> + +<p>She sprang to her feet in a flash of uncontrollable enthusiasm, and stood +there, aglow with courage and resolution, making a highly agreeable +picture in her apron and cuffs, the sea wind fluttering the bright +tendrils of her hair under her dainty cap.</p> + +<p>We got to our feet much impressed; and now absolutely convinced that +there did exist, somewhere, descendants of prehistoric men in whom the +third eye—placed in the back of the head for purposes of defensive +observation—had not become obsolete and reduced to the traces which we +know only as the pituitary body or pituitary gland.</p> + +<p>Kemper and I were, of course, aware that in the insect world the ocelli +served the same purpose that the degenerate pituitary body once served in +the occiput of man.</p> + +<p>As we three walked slowly back to the campfire, where our evening meal +was now ready, Evelyn Grey, who walked between us, told us what she +knew about the hunting of these three-eyed men by the Seminoles—how +intense was the hatred of the Indians for these people, how murderously +they behaved toward any one of them whom they could track down and catch.</p> + +<p>"Tiger-tail told me," she went on, "that in all probability the strange +race was nearing extinction, but that all had not yet been exterminated +because now and then, when hunting along Black Bayou, traces of living +three-eyed men were still found by him and his people.</p> + +<p>"No later than last week Tiger-tail himself had startled one of these +strange denizens of Black Bayou from a meal of fish; and had heard him +leap through the bushes and plunge into the water. It appears that +centuries of persecution have made these three-eyed men partly +amphibious—that is, capable of filling their lungs with air and +remaining under water almost as long as a turtle."</p> + +<p>"That's impossible!" said Kemper bluntly.</p> + +<p>"I thought so myself," she said with a smile, "until Tiger-tail told me +a little more about them. He says that they can breathe through the pores +of their skins; that their bodies are covered with a thick, silky hair, +and that when they dive they carry down with them enough air to form a +sort of skin over them, so that under water their bodies appear to be +silver-plated."</p> + +<p>"Good Lord!" faltered Kemper. "That is a little too much!"</p> + +<p>"Yet," said I, "that is exactly what air-breathing water beetles do. The +globules of air, clinging to the body-hairs, appear to silver-plate them; +and they can remain below indefinitely, breathing through spiracles. +Doubtless the skin pores of these men have taken on the character of +spiracles."</p> + +<p>"You know," he said in a curious, flat voice, which sounded like +the tones of a partly stupified man, "this whole business is so +grotesque—apparently so wildly absurd—that it's having a sort of +nightmare effect on me." And, dropping his voice to a whisper close to +my ear: "Good heavens!" he said. "Can you reconcile such a creature as +we are starting out to hunt, with anything living known to science?"</p> + +<p>"No," I replied in guarded tones. "And there are moments, Kemper, since +I have come into possession of Miss Grey's story, when I find myself +seriously doubting my own sanity."</p> + +<p>"I'm doubting mine, now," he whispered, "only that girl is so fresh and +wholesome and human and sane—"</p> + +<p>"She is a very clever girl," I said.</p> + +<p>"And really beautiful!"</p> + +<p>"She is intelligent," I remarked. There was a chill in my tone which +doubtless discouraged Kemper, for he ventured nothing further concerning +her superficially personal attractions.</p> + +<p>After all, if any questions of priority were to arise, the pretty +waitress was <i>my</i> discovery. And in the scientific world it is an +inflexible rule that he who first discovers any particular specimen of +any species whatever is first entitled to describe and comment upon that +specimen without interference or unsolicited advice from anybody.</p> + +<p>Maybe there was in my eye something that expressed as much. For when +Kemper caught my cold gaze fixed upon him he winced and looked away like +a reproved setter dog who knew better. Which also, for the moment, put an +end to the rather gay and frivolous line of small talk which he had again +begun with the pretty waitress.</p> + +<p>I was exceedingly surprised at Professor William Henry Kemper, D.F.</p> + +<p>As we approached the campfire the loathsome odour of frying mullet +saluted my nostrils.</p> + +<p>Kemper, glancing at Grue, said aside to me:</p> + +<p>"That's an odd-looking fellow. What is he? Minorcan?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, just a beachcomber. I don't know what he is. He strikes me as +dirty—though he can't be so, physically. I don't like him and I don't +know why. And I wish we'd engaged somebody else to guide us."</p> + +<p>Toward dawn something awoke me and I sat up in my blanket under the moon. +But my leg had not been pulled.</p> + +<p>Kemper snored at my side. In her little dog-tent the pretty waitress +probably was fast asleep. I knew it because the string she had tied to +one of her ornamental ankles still lay across the ground convenient to my +hand. In any emergency I had only to pull it to awake her.</p> + +<p>A similar string, tied to my ankle, ran parallel to hers and disappeared +under the flap of her tent. This was for her to pull if she liked. She +had never yet pulled it. Nor I the other. Nevertheless I truly felt that +these humble strings were, in a subtler sense, ties that bound us +together. No wonder Kemper's behaviour had slightly irritated me.</p> + +<p>I looked up at the silver moon; I glanced at Kemper's unlovely bulk, +swathed in a blanket; I contemplated the dog-tent with, perhaps, that +slight trace of sentiment which a semi-tropical moon is likely to inspire +even in a jellyfish. And suddenly I remembered Grue and looked for him.</p> + +<p>He was accustomed to sleep in his boat, but I did not see him in either +of the boats. Here and there were a few lumpy shadows in the moonlight, +but none of them was Grue lying prone on the ground. Where the devil had +he gone?</p> + +<p>Cautiously I untied my ankle string, rose in my pajamas, stepped into my +slippers, and walked out through the moonlight.</p> + +<p>There was nothing to hide Grue, no rocks or vegetation except the +solitary palm on the back-bone of the reef.</p> + +<p>I walked as far as the tree and looked up into the arching fronds. Nobody +was up there. I could see the moonlit sky through the fronds. Nor was +Grue lying asleep anywhere on the other side of the coral ridge.</p> + +<p>And suddenly I became aware of all my latent distrust and dislike for the +man. And the vigour of my sentiments surprised me because I really had +not understood how deep and thorough my dislike had been.</p> + +<p>Also, his utter disappearance struck me as uncanny. Both boats were +there; and there were many leagues of sea to the nearest coast.</p> + +<p>Troubled and puzzled I turned and walked back to the dead embers of the +fire. Kemper had merely changed the timbre of his snore to a whistling +aria, which at any other time would have enraged me. Now, somehow, it +almost comforted me.</p> + +<p>Seated on the shore I looked out to sea, racking my brains for an +explanation of Grue's disappearance. And while I sat there racking them, +far out on the water a little flock of ducks suddenly scattered and rose +with frightened quackings and furiously beating wings.</p> + +<p>For a moment I thought I saw a round, dark object on the waves where the +flock had been.</p> + +<p>And while I sat there watching, up out of the sea along the reef to my +right crawled a naked, dripping figure holding a dead duck in his mouth.</p> + +<p>Fascinated, I watched it, recognising Grue with his ratty black hair all +plastered over his face.</p> + +<p>Whether he caught sight of me or not, I don't know; but he suddenly +dropped the dead duck from his mouth, turned, and dived under water.</p> + +<p>It was a grim and horrid species of sport or pastime, this amphibious +business of his, catching wild birds and dragging them about as though +he were an animal.</p> + +<p>Evidently he was ashamed of himself, for he had dropped the duck. I +watched it floating by on the waves, its head under water. Suddenly +something jerked it under, a fish perhaps, for it did not come up and +float again, as far as I could see.</p> + +<p>When I went back to camp Grue lay apparently asleep on the north side of +the fire. I glanced at him in disgust and crawled into my tent.</p> + +<p>The next day Evelyn Grey awoke with a headache and kept her tent. I had +all I could do to prevent Kemper from prescribing for her. I did that +myself, sitting beside her and testing her pulse for hours at a time, +while Kemper took one of Grue's grains and went off into the mangroves +and speared grunt and eels for a chowder which he said he knew how to +concoct.</p> + +<p>Toward afternoon the pretty waitress felt much better, and I warned +Kemper and Grue that we should sail for Black Bayou after dinner.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>Dinner was a mess, as usual, consisting of fried mullet and rice, and a +sort of chowder in which the only ingredients I recognised were sections +of crayfish.</p> + +<p>After we had finished and had withdrawn from the fire, Grue scraped every +remaining shred of food into a kettle and went for it. To see him feed +made me sick, so I rejoined Miss Grey and Kemper, who had found a green +cocoanut and were alternately deriving nourishment from the milk inside +it.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs056" id="gs056"></a> +<img src="images/gs056.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"To see him feed made me sick."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>Somehow or other there seemed to me a certain levity about that +performance, and it made me uncomfortable; but I managed to smile a +rather sickly smile when they offered me a draught, and I took a pull at +the milk—I don't exactly know why, because I don't like it. But the moon +was up over the sea, now, and the dusk was languorously balmy, and I +didn't care to leave those two drinking milk out of the same cocoanut +under a tropic moon.</p> + +<p>Not that my interest in Evelyn Grey was other than scientific. But after +all it was I who had discovered her.</p> + +<p>We sailed as soon as Grue, gobbling and snuffling, had cleaned up the +last crumb of food. Kemper blandly offered to take Miss Grey into his +boat, saying that he feared my boat was overcrowded, what with the +paraphernalia, the folding cages, Grue, Miss Grey, and myself.</p> + +<p>I sat on that suggestion, but offered to take my own tiller and lend him +Grue. He couldn't wriggle out of it, seeing that his alleged motive had +been the overcrowding of my boat, but he looked rather sick when Grue +went aboard his boat.</p> + +<p>As for me, I hoisted sail with something so near a chuckle that it +surprised me; and I looked at Evelyn Grey to see whether she had noticed +the unseemly symptom.</p> + +<p>Apparently she had not. She sat forward, her eyes fixed soulfully upon +the moon. Had I been dedicated to any profession except a scientific +one—but let that pass.</p> + +<p>Grue in Kemper's sail-boat led, and my boat followed out into the silvery +and purple dusk, now all sparkling under the high lustre of the moon.</p> + +<p>Dimly I saw vast rafts of wild duck part and swim leisurely away to port +and starboard, leaving a glittering lane of water for us to sail through; +into the scintillant night from the sea sprang mullet, silvery, +quivering, falling back into the wash with a splash.</p> + +<p>Here and there in the moonlight steered ominous black triangles, circling +us, leading us, sheering across bow and flashing wake, all phosphorescent +with lambent sea-fire—the fins of great sharks.</p> + +<p>"You need have no fear," said I to the pretty waitress.</p> + +<p>She said nothing.</p> + +<p>"Of course if you <i>are</i> afraid," I added, "perhaps you might care to +change your seat."</p> + +<p>There was room in the stern where I sat.</p> + +<p>"Do you think there is any danger?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"From sharks?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Reaching up and biting you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Oh, I don't really suppose there is," I said, managing to convey the +idea, I am ashamed to say, that the catastrophe was a possibility.</p> + +<p>She came over and seated herself beside me. I was very much ashamed of +myself, but I could not repress a triumphant glance ahead at the other +boat, where Kemper sat huddled forward, evidently bored to extinction.</p> + +<p>Every now and then I could see him turn and crane his neck as though in +an effort to distinguish what was going on in our boat.</p> + +<p>There was nothing going on, absolutely nothing. The moon was magnificent; +and I think the pretty waitress must have been a little tired, for her +head drooped and nodded at moments, even while I was talking to her about +a specimen of <i>Euplectilla speciosa</i> on which I had written a monograph. +So she must have been really tired, for the subject was interesting.</p> + +<p>"You won't incommode my operations with sheet and tiller," I said to her +kindly, "if you care to rest your head against my shoulder."</p> + +<p>Evidently she was very tired, for she did so, and closed her eyes.</p> + +<p>After a while, fearing that she might fall over backward into the +sea—but let that pass.... I don't know whether or not Kemper could +distinguish anything aboard our boat. He craned his head enough to twist +it off his neck.</p> + +<p>To be so utterly, so blindly devoted to science is a great safeguard for +a man. Single-mindedness, however, need not induce atrophy of every +humane impulse. I drew the pretty waitress closer—not that the night was +cold, but it might become so. Changes in the tropics come swiftly. It is +well to be prepared.</p> + +<p>Her cheek felt very soft against my shoulder. There seemed to be a faint +perfume about her hair. It really was odd how subtly fragrant she seemed +to be—almost, perhaps, a matter of scientific interest.</p> + +<p>Her hands did not seem to be chilled; they did seem unusually smooth and +soft.</p> + +<p>I said to her: "When at home, I suppose your mother tucks you in; doesn't +she?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," she nodded sleepily.</p> + +<p>"And what does she do then?" said I, with something of that ponderous +playfulness with which I make scientific jokes at a meeting of the Bronx +Anthropological Association, when I preside.</p> + +<p>"She kisses me and turns out the light," said Evelyn Grey, innocently.</p> + +<p>I don't know how much Kemper could distinguish. He kept dodging about and +twisting his head until I really thought it would come off, unless it had +been screwed on like the top of a piano stool.</p> + +<p>A few minutes later he fired his pistol twice; and Evelyn sat up. I never +knew why he fired; he never offered any explanation.</p> + +<p>Toward midnight I could hear the roar of breakers on our starboard bow. +Evelyn heard them, too, and sat up inquiringly.</p> + +<p>"Grue has found the inlet to Black Bayou, I suppose," said I.</p> + +<p>And it proved to be the case, for, with the surf thundering on either +hand, we sailed into a smoothly flowing inlet through which the flood +tide was running between high dunes all sparkling in the moonlight and +crowned with shadowy palms.</p> + +<p>Occasionally I heard noises ahead of us from the other boat, as though +Kemper was trying to converse with us, but as his apropos was as +unintelligible as it was inopportune, I pretended not to hear him. +Besides, I had all I could do to manoeuvre the tiller and prevent Evelyn +Grey from falling off backward into the bayou. Besides, it is not +customary to converse with the man at the helm.</p> + +<p>After a while—during which I seemed to distinguish in Kemper's voice a +quality that rhymes with his name—his tones varied through phases all +the way from irony to exasperation. After a while he gave it up and took +to singing.</p> + +<p>There was a moon, and I suppose he thought he had a voice. It didn't +strike me so. After several somewhat melancholy songs, he let off his +pistol two or three times and then subsided into silence.</p> + +<p>I didn't care; neither his songs nor his shots interrupted—but let that +pass, also.</p> + +<p>We were now sailing into the forest through pool after pool of +interminable lagoons, startling into unseen and clattering flight +hundreds of waterfowl. I could feel the wind from their whistling +wings in the darkness, as they drove by us out to sea. It seemed to +startle the pretty waitress. It is a solemn thing to be responsible for +a pretty girl's peace of mind. I reassured her continually, perhaps a +trifle nervously. But there were no more pistol shots. Perhaps Kemper had +used up his cartridges.</p> + +<p>We were still drifting along under drooping sails, borne inland almost +entirely by the tide, when the first pale, watery, gray light streaked +the east. When it grew a little lighter, Evelyn sat up; all danger of +sharks being over. Also, I could begin to see what was going on in the +other boat. Which was nothing remarkable; Kemper slumped against the +mast, his head turned in our direction; Grue sat at the helm, motionless, +his tattered straw hat sagging on his neck.</p> + +<p>When the sun rose, I called out cheerily to Kemper, asking him how he had +passed the night. Evelyn also raised her head, pausing while bringing her +disordered hair under discipline, to listen to his reply.</p> + +<p>But he merely mumbled something. Perhaps he was still sleepy.</p> + +<p>As for me, I felt exceedingly well; and when Grue turned his craft in +shore, I did so, too; and when, under the overhanging foliage of the +forest, the nose of my boat grated on the sand, I rose and crossed the +deck with a step distinctly frolicsome.</p> + +<p>Kemper seemed distant and glum; Evelyn Grey spoke to him shyly now and +then, and I noticed she looked at him only when he was gazing elsewhere +than at her. She had a funny, conciliatory air with him, half ashamed, +partly humorous and amused, as though something about Kemper's sulky +ill-humour was continually making tiny inroads on her gravity.</p> + +<p>Some mullet had jumped into the two boats—half a dozen during our +moonlight voyage—and these were now being fried with rice for us by +Grue. Lord! How I hated to eat them!</p> + +<p>After we had finished breakfast, Grue, as usual, did everything to the +remainder except to get into the fry-pan with both feet; and as usual he +sickened me.</p> + +<p>When he'd cleaned up everything, I sent him off into the forest to +find a dry shell-mound for camping purposes; then I made fast both +boats, and Kemper and I carried ashore our paraphernalia, spare +<i>batterie-de-cuisine</i>, firearms, fishing tackle, spears, harpoons, +grains, oars, sails, spars, folding cage—everything with which a +strictly scientific expedition is usually burdened.</p> + +<p>Evelyn was washing her face in the crystal waters of a branch that flowed +into the lagoon from under the live-oaks. She looked very pretty doing +it, like a naiad or dryad scrubbing away at her forest toilet.</p> + +<p>It was, in fact, such a pretty spectacle that I was going over to sit +beside her while she did it, but Kemper started just when I was going to, +and I turned away. Some men invariably do the wrong thing. But a handsome +man doesn't last long with a pretty girl.</p> + +<p>I was thinking of this as I stood contemplating an alligator slide, when +Grue came back saying that the shore on which we had landed was the +termination of a shell-mound, and that it was the only dry place he had +found.</p> + +<p>So I bade him pitch our tents a few feet back from the shore; and stood +watching him while he did so, one eye reverting occasionally to Evelyn +Grey and Kemper. They both were seated cross-legged beside the branch, +and they seemed to be talking a great deal and rather earnestly. I +couldn't quite understand what they found to talk about so earnestly and +volubly all of a sudden, inasmuch as they had heretofore exchanged very +few observations during a most brief and formal acquaintance, dating only +from sundown the day before.</p> + +<p>Grue set up our three tents, carried the luggage inland, and then hung +about for a while until the vast shadow of a vulture swept across the +trees.</p> + +<p>I never saw such an indescribable expression on a human face as I saw +on Grue's as he looked up at the huge, unclean bird. His vitreous eyes +fairly glittered; the corners of his mouth quivered and grew wet; and to +my astonishment he seemed to emit a low, mewing noise.</p> + +<p>"What the devil are you doing?" I said impulsively, in my amazement and +disgust.</p> + +<p>He looked at me, his eyes still glittering, the corners of his mouth +still wet; but the curious sounds had ceased.</p> + +<p>"What?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Nothing. I thought you spoke." I didn't know what else to say.</p> + +<p>He made no reply. Once, when I had partly turned my head, I was aware +that he was warily turning his to look at the vulture, which had alighted +heavily on the ground near the entrails and heads of the mullet, where he +had cast them on the dead leaves.</p> + +<p>I walked over to where Evelyn Grey and Kemper sat so busily conversing; +and their volubility ceased as they glanced up and saw me approaching. +Which phenomenon both perplexed and displeased me.</p> + +<p>I said:</p> + +<p>"This is the Black Bayou forest, and we have the most serious business +of our lives before us. Suppose you and I start out, Kemper, and see if +there are any traces of what we are after in the neighborhood of our +camp."</p> + +<p>"Do you think it safe to leave Miss Grey alone in camp?" he asked +gravely.</p> + +<p>I hadn't thought of that:</p> + +<p>"No, of course not," I said. "Grue can stay."</p> + +<p>"I don't need anybody," she said quickly. "Anyway, I'm rather afraid of +Grue."</p> + +<p>"Afraid of Grue?" I repeated.</p> + +<p>"Not exactly afraid. But he's—unpleasant."</p> + +<p>"I'll remain with Miss Grey," said Kemper politely.</p> + +<p>"Oh," she exclaimed, "I couldn't ask that. It is true that I feel a +little tired and nervous, but I can go with you and Mr. Smith and Grue—"</p> + +<p>I surveyed Kemper in cold perplexity. As chief of the expedition, I +couldn't very well offer to remain with Evelyn Grey, but I didn't propose +that Kemper should, either.</p> + +<p>"Take Grue," he suggested, "and look about the woods for a while. Perhaps +after dinner Miss Grey may feel sufficiently rested to join us."</p> + +<p>"I am sure," she said, "that a few hours' rest in camp will set me on my +feet. All I need is rest. I didn't sleep very soundly last night."</p> + +<p>I felt myself growing red, and I looked away from them both.</p> + +<p>"Oh," said Kemper, in apparent surprise, "I thought you had slept soundly +all night long."</p> + +<p>"Nobody," said I, "could have slept very pleasantly during that musical +performance of yours."</p> + +<p>"Were you singing?" she asked innocently of Kemper.</p> + +<p>"He was singing when he wasn't firing off his pistol," I remarked. "No +wonder you couldn't sleep with any satisfaction to yourself."</p> + +<p>Grue had disappeared into the forest; I stood watching for him to come +out again. After a few minutes I heard a furious but distant noise of +flapping; the others also heard it; and we listened in silence, wondering +what it was.</p> + +<p>"It's Grue killing something," faltered Evelyn Grey, turning a trifle +pale.</p> + +<p>"Confound it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to stop that right now."</p> + +<p>Kemper rose and followed me as I started for the woods; but as we passed +the beached boats Grue appeared from among the trees.</p> + +<p>"Where have you been?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"In the woods."</p> + +<p>"Doing what?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing."</p> + +<p>There was a bit of down here and there clinging to his cotton shirt and +trousers, and one had caught and stuck at the corner of his mouth.</p> + +<p>"See here, Grue," I said, "I don't want you to kill any birds except for +camp purposes. Why do you try to catch and kill birds?"</p> + +<p>"I don't."</p> + +<p>I stared at the man and he stared back at me out of his glassy eyes.</p> + +<p>"You mean to say that you don't, somehow or other, manage to catch and +kill birds?"</p> + +<p>"No, I don't."</p> + +<p>There was nothing further for me to say unless I gave him the lie. I +didn't care to do that, needing his services.</p> + +<p>Evelyn Grey had come up to join us; there was a brief silence; we +all stood looking at Grue; and he looked back at us out of his pale, +washed-out, and unblinking eyes.</p> + +<p>"Grue," I said, "I haven't yet explained to you the object of this +expedition to Black Bayou. Now, I'll tell you what I want. But first let +me ask you a question or two. You know the Black Bayou forests, don't +you?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Did you ever see anything unusual in these forests?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Are you sure?"</p> + +<p>The man stared at us, one after another. Then he said:</p> + +<p>"What are you looking for in Black Bayou?"</p> + +<p>"Something very curious, very strange, very unusual. So strange and +unusual, in fact, that the great Zoölogical Society of the Bronx in New +York has sent me down here at the head of this expedition to search the +forests of Black Bayou."</p> + +<p>"For what?" he demanded, in a dull, accentless voice.</p> + +<p>"For a totally new species of human being, Grue. I wish to catch one and +take it back to New York in that folding cage."</p> + +<p>His green eyes had grown narrow as though sun-dazzled. Kemper had stepped +behind us into the woods and was now busy setting up the folding cage. +Grue remained motionless.</p> + +<p>"I am going to offer you," I said, "the sum of one thousand dollars in +gold if you can guide us to a spot where we may see this hitherto unknown +species—a creature which is apparently a man but which has, in the back +of his head, a <i>third eye</i>—"</p> + +<p>I paused in amazement: Grue's cheeks had suddenly puffed out and were +quivering; and from the corners of his slitted mouth he was emitting a +whimpering sound like the noise made by a low-circling pigeon.</p> + +<p>"Grue!" I cried. "What's the matter with you?"</p> + +<p>"What is <i>he</i> doing?" screamed Grue, quivering from head to foot, but not +turning around.</p> + +<p>"Who?" I cried.</p> + +<p>"The man behind me!"</p> + +<p>"Professor Kemper? He's setting up the folding cage—"</p> + +<p>With a screech that raised my hair, Grue whipped out his murderous knife +and <i>hurled himself backward</i> at Kemper, but the latter shrank aside +behind the partly erected cage, and Grue whirled around, snarling, +hacking, and even biting at the wood frame and steel bars.</p> + +<p>And then occurred a thing so horrid that it sickened me to the pit of my +stomach; for the man's sagging straw hat had fallen off, and there, in +the back of his head, through the coarse, black, ratty hair, I saw a +glassy eye glaring at me.</p> + +<p>"Kemper!" I shouted. "He's got a third eye! He's one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!" And I seized a shot-gun from the top of +the baggage bundle on the ground beside me, and leaped at Grue, aiming +a terrific blow at him.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col02" id="col02"></a> +<img src="images/col02.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He is one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!'"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>But the glassy eye in the back of his head was watching me between the +clotted strands of hair, and he dodged both Kemper and me, swinging his +heavy knife in circles and glaring at us both out of the front and back +of his head.</p> + +<p>Kemper seized him by his arm, but Grue's shirt came off, and I saw his +entire body was as furry as an ape's. And all the while he was snapping +at us and leaping hither and thither to avoid our blows; and from the +corners of his puffed cheeks he whined and whimpered and mewed through +the saliva foam.</p> + +<p>"Keep him from the water!" I panted, following him with clubbed shot-gun; +and as I advanced I almost stepped on a soiled heap of foulness—the dead +buzzard which he had caught and worried to death with his teeth.</p> + +<p>Suddenly he threw his knife at my head, hurling it backward; dodged, +screeched, and bounded by me toward the shore of the lagoon, where the +pretty waitress was standing, petrified.</p> + +<p>For one moment I thought he had her, but she picked up her skirts, ran +for the nearest boat, and seized a harpoon; and in his fierce eagerness +to catch her he leaped clear over the boat and fell with a splash into +the lagoon.</p> + +<p>As Kemper and I sprang aboard and looked over into the water, we +could see him going down out of reach of a harpoon; and his body seemed +to be silver-plated, flashing and glittering like a burnished eel, so +completely did the skin of air envelope him, held there by the fur that +covered him.</p> + +<p>And, as he rested for a moment on the bottom, deep down through the clear +waters of the lagoon where he lay prone, I could see, as the current +stirred his long, black hair, the third eye looking up at us, glassy, +unwinking, horrible.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>A bubble or two, like globules of quicksilver, were detached from the +burnished skin of air that clothed him, and came glittering upward.</p> + +<p>Suddenly there was a flash; a flurrying cloud of blue mud; and Grue was +gone.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>After a long while I turned around in the muteness of my despair. And +slowly froze.</p> + +<p>For the pretty waitress, becomingly pale, was gathered in Kemper's arms, +her cheek against his shoulder. Neither seemed to be aware of me.</p> + +<p>"Darling," he said, in the imbecile voice of a man in love, "why do you +tremble so when I am here to protect you? Don't you love and trust me?"</p> + +<p>"Oo—h—yes," she sighed, pressing her cheek closer to his shoulder.</p> + +<p>I shoved my hands into my pockets, passed them without noticing them, and +stepped ashore.</p> + +<p>And there I sat down under a tree, with my back toward them, all alone +and face to face with the greatest grief of my life.</p> + +<p>But which it was—the loss of her or the loss of Grue, I had not yet made +up my mind.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_IMMORTAL" id="THE_IMMORTAL"></a>THE IMMORTAL</h2> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs082.jpg"><img src="images/gs082.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>I</h2> + + +<p>As everybody knows, the great majority of Americans, upon reaching the +age of natural selection, are elected to the American Institute of Arts +and Ethics, which is, so to speak, the Ellis Island of the Academy.</p> + +<p>Occasionally a general mobilization of the Academy is ordered and, from +the teeming population of the Institute, a new Immortal is selected for +the American Academy of Moral Endeavor by the simple process of +blindfolded selection from <i>Who's Which</i>.</p> + +<p>The motto of this most stately of earthly institutions is a peculiarly +modest, truthful, and unintentional epigram by Tupper:</p> + +<p>"Unknown, I became Famous; Famous, I remain Unknown."</p> + +<p>And so I found it to be the case; for, when at last I was privileged to +write my name, "Smith, Academician," I discovered to my surprise that I +knew none of my brother Immortals, and, more amazing still, none of them +had ever heard of me.</p> + +<p>This latter fact became the more astonishing to me as I learned the +identity of the other Immortals.</p> + +<p>Even the President of our great republic was numbered among these +Olympians. I had every right to suppose that he had heard of me. I had +happened to hear of him, because his Secretary of State once mentioned +him at Chautauqua.</p> + +<p>It was a wonderfully meaningless sensation to know nobody and to discover +myself equally unknown amid that matchless companionship. We were like a +mixed bunch of gods, Greek, Norse, Hindu, Hottentot—all gathered on +Olympus, having never heard of each other but taking it for granted that +we were all gods together and all members of this club.</p> + +<p>My initiation into the Academy had been fixed for April first, and I was +much worried concerning the address which I was of course expected to +deliver on that occasion before my fellow members.</p> + +<p>It had to be an exciting address because slumber was not an infrequent +phenomenon among the Immortals on such solemn occasions. Like dozens of +dozing Joves a dull discourse always set them nodding.</p> + +<p>But always under such circumstances the pretty ushers from Barnard +College passed around refreshments; a suffragette orchestra struck up; +the ushers uprooted the seated Immortals and fox-trotted them into +comparative consciousness.</p> + +<p>But I didn't wish to have my inaugural address interrupted, therefore I +was at my wits' ends to discover a subject of such exciting scientific +interest that my august audience could not choose but listen as +attentively as they would listen from the front row to some deathless +stunt in vaudeville.</p> + +<p>That morning I had left the Bronx rather early, hoping that a long walk +might compose my thoughts and enable me to think of some sufficiently +entertaining and unusual subject for my inaugural address.</p> + +<p>I walked as far as Columbia University, gazed with rapture upon its +magnificent architecture until I was as satiated as though I had arisen +from a banquet at Childs'.</p> + +<p>To aid mental digestion I strolled over to the noble home of the Academy +and Institute adjoining Mr. Huntington's Hispano-Moresque Museum.</p> + +<p>It was a fine, sunny morning, and the Immortals were being exercised by a +number of pretty ushers from Barnard.</p> + +<p>I gazed upon the impressive procession with pride unutterable; very soon +I also should walk two and two in the sunshine, my dome crowned with +figurative laurels, cracking scientific witticisms with my fellow +inmates, or, perhaps, squeezing the pretty fingers of some—But let that +pass.</p> + +<p>I was, as I say, gazing upon this inspiring scene on a beautiful morning +in February, when I became aware of a short and visibly vulgar person +beside me, plucking persistently at my elbow.</p> + +<p>"Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?" he asked, tipping his +pearl-coloured and somewhat soiled bowler.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said condescendingly. "Your description of me precludes further +doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?"</p> + +<p>"Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in +the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society?" he persisted.</p> + +<p>"What do you desire of me?" I repeated, taking another look at him. He +was exceedingly ordinary.</p> + +<p>"Prof, old sport," he said cordially, "I took a slant at the papers +yesterday, an' I seen all about the big time these guys had when you rode +the goat—"</p> + +<p>"Rode—<i>what</i>?"</p> + +<p>"When you was elected. Get me?"</p> + +<p>I stared at him. He grinned in a friendly way.</p> + +<p>"The privacy of those solemn proceedings should remain sacred. It were +unfit to discuss such matters with the world at large," I said coldly.</p> + +<p>"I get you," he rejoined cheerfully.</p> + +<p>"What do you desire of me?" I repeated. "Why this unseemly apropos?"</p> + +<p>"I was comin' to it. Perfessor, I'll be frank. I need money—"</p> + +<p>"You need brains!"</p> + +<p>"No," he said good-humouredly, "I've got 'em; plenty of 'em; I'm +overstocked with idees. What I want to do is to sell <i>you</i> a few—"</p> + +<p>"Do you know you are impudent!"</p> + +<p>"Listen, friend. I seen a piece in the papers as how you was to make the +speech of your life when you ride the goat for these here guys on April +first—"</p> + +<p>"I decline to listen—"</p> + +<p>"<i>One</i> minute, friend! I want to ask you one thing! <i>What</i> are you going +to talk about?"</p> + +<p>I was already moving away but I stopped and stared at him.</p> + +<p>"That's the question," he nodded with unimpaired cheerfulness, "<i>what</i> +are you going to talk about on April <i>the</i> first? Remember it's the +hot-air party of your life. <i>Ree</i>-member that each an' every paper in the +United States will print what you say. Now, how about it, friend? Are you +up in your lines?"</p> + +<p>Swallowing my repulsion for him I said: "Why are you concerned as to what +may be the subject of my approaching address?"</p> + +<p>"There you are, Prof!" he exclaimed delightedly; "I want to do business +with you. That's me! I'm frank about it. Say, there ought to be a wad of +the joyful in it for us both—"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Sure. We can work it any old way. Take Tyng, Tyng and Company, the +typewriter people. I'd be ashamed to tell you what I can get out o' +them if you'll mention the Tyng-Tyng typewriter in your speech—"</p> + +<p>"What you suggest is infamous!" I said haughtily.</p> + +<p>"Believe <i>me</i> there's enough in it to make it a financial coup, and I ask +you, Prof, isn't a financial coup respectable?"</p> + +<p>"You seem to be morally unfitted to comprehend—"</p> + +<p>"Pardon <i>me</i>! I'm fitted up regardless with all kinds of fixtures. I'm +fixed to undertake anything. Now if you'd prefer the Bunsen Baby Biscuit +bunch—why old man Bunsen would come across—"</p> + +<p>"I won't do such things!" I said angrily.</p> + +<p>"Very well, very well. Don't get riled, sir. That's only one way to build +on Fifth Avenoo. I've got one hundred thousand other ways—"</p> + +<p>"I don't want to talk to you—"</p> + +<p>"They're honest—some of them. Say, if you want a stric'ly honest deal +I've got the goods. Only it ain't as easy and the money ain't as big—"</p> + +<p>"I don't want to talk to you—"</p> + +<p>"Yes you do. You don't reelize it but you do. Why you're fixin' to make +the holler of your life, ain't you? What are you goin' to say? Hey? +What you aimin' to say to make those guys set up? What's the use of +up-stagin'? Ain't you willin' to pay me a few plunks if I <i>dy</i>-vulge to +you the most startlin' phenomena that has ever electrified civilization +sense the era of P.T. Barnum!"</p> + +<p>I was already hurrying away when the mention of that great scientist's +name halted me once more.</p> + +<p>The little flashy man had been tagging along at my heels, talking +cheerfully and volubly all the while; and now, as I halted again, he +struck an attitude, legs apart, thumbs hooked in his arm-pits, and his +head cocked knowingly on one side.</p> + +<p>"Prof," he said, "if you'd work in the Tyng-Tyng Company, or fix it up +with Bunsen to mention his Baby Biscuits as the most nootritious of +condeements, there'd be more in it for you an' me. But it's up to you."</p> + +<p>"Well I won't!" I retorted.</p> + +<p>"Very well, ve-ry well," he said soothingly. "Then look over another line +o' samples. No trouble to show 'em—none at all, sir! Now if P.T. +Barnum was alive—"</p> + +<p>I said very seriously: "The name of that great discoverer falling from +your illiterate lips has halted me a second time. His name alone invests +your somewhat suspicious conversation with a dignity and authority +heretofore conspicuously absent. If, as you hint, you have any scientific +information for sale which P.T. Barnum might have considered worth +purchasing, you may possibly find in me a client. Proceed, young sir."</p> + +<p>"Say, listen, Bo—I mean, Prof. I've got the goods. Don't worry. I've got +information in my think-box that would make your kick-in speech the event +of the century. The question remains, do I get mine?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs091" id="gs091"></a> +<img src="images/gs091.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'Say, listen, Bo—I mean, Prof. I've got the goods.'"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>"What is this scientific information?"</p> + +<p>We had now walked as far as Riverside Drive. There were plenty of +unoccupied benches. I sat down and he seated himself beside me.</p> + +<p>For a few moments I gazed upon the magnificent view. Even he seemed awed +by the proportions of the superb iron gas tank dominating the prospect.</p> + +<p>I gazed at the colossal advertisements across the Hudson, at the freight +trains below; I gazed upon the lordly Hudson itself, that majestic sewer +which drains the Empire State, bearing within its resistless flood +millions of tons of insoluble matter from that magic fairyland which we +call "up-state," to the sea. And, thinking of disposal plants, I thought +of that sublime paraphrase—"From the Mohawk to the Hudson, and from the +Hudson to the Sea."</p> + +<p>"Bo," he said, "I gotta hand it to you. Them guys might have got wise if +you had worked in the Tyng-Tyng Company or the Bunsen stuff. There was +big money into it, but it might not have went."</p> + +<p>I waited curiously.</p> + +<p>"But this here dope I'm startin' in to cook for you is a straight, +reelible, an' hones' pill. P.T. Barnum he would have went a million miles +to see what I seen last Janooary down in the Coquina country—"</p> + +<p>"Where is that?"</p> + +<p>"Say; that's what costs money to know. When I put you wise I'm due to +retire from actyve business. Get me?"</p> + +<p>"Go on."</p> + +<p>"Sure. I was down to the Coquina country, a-doin'—well, I was doin' +rubes. I gotta be hones' with <i>you</i>, Prof. That's what I was a-doin' +of—sellin' farms under water to suckers. Bee-u-tiful Florida! Own your +own orange grove. Seven crops o' strawberries every winter in Gawd's own +country—get me?"</p> + +<p>He bestowed upon me a loathsome wink.</p> + +<p>"Well, it went big till I made a break and got in Dutch with the Navy +Department what was surveyin' the Everglades for a safe and sane harbor +of refuge for the navy in time o' war.</p> + +<p>"Sir, they was a-dredgin' up the farms I was sellin', an' the suckers +heard of it an' squealed somethin' fierce, an' I had to hustle! Yes, sir, +I had to git up an' mosey cross-lots. And what with the Federal Gov'ment +chasin' me one way an' them rubes an' the sheriff of Pickalocka County +racin' me t'other, I got lost for fair—yes, sir."</p> + +<p>He smiled reminiscently, produced from his pockets the cold and offensive +remains of a partly consumed cigar, and examined it critically. Then he +requested a match.</p> + +<p>"I shall now pass over lightly or in subdood silence the painful events +of my flight," he remarked, waving his cigar and expelling a long squirt +of smoke from his unshaven lips. "Surfice it to say that I got everythin' +that was comin' to me, an' then some, what with snakes and murskeeters, +an' briers an' mud, an' hunger an' thirst an' heat. Wasn't there a wop +named Pizarro or somethin' what got lost down in Florida? Well, he's got +nothin' on me. I never want to see the dam' state again. But I'll go back +if <i>you</i> say so!"</p> + +<p>His small rat eyes rested musingly upon the river; he sucked thoughtfully +at his cigar, hooked one soiled thumb into the armhole of his fancy vest +and crossed his legs.</p> + +<p>"To resoom," he said cheerily; "I come out one day, half nood, onto the +banks of the Miami River. The rest was a pipe after what I had went +through.</p> + +<p>"I trimmed a guy at Miami, got clothes and railroad fare, an' ducked.</p> + +<p>"Now the valyble portion of my discourse is this here partial information +concernin' what I seen—or rather what I run onto durin' my crool flight +from my ree-lentless persecutors.</p> + +<p>"An' these here is the facts: There is, contrary to maps, Coast Survey +guys, an' general opinion, a range of hills in Florida, made entirely of +coquina.</p> + +<p>"It's a good big range, too, fifty miles long an' anywhere from one to +five miles acrost.</p> + +<p>"An' what I've got to say is this: Into them there Coquina hills there +still lives the expirin' remains of the cave-men—"</p> + +<p>"What!" I exclaimed incredulously.</p> + +<p>"Or," he continued calmly, "to speak more stric'ly, the few individools +of that there expirin' race is now totally reduced to a few women."</p> + +<p>"Your statement is wild—"</p> + +<p>"No; but they're wild. I seen 'em. Bein' extremely bee-utiful I +approached nearer, but they hove rocks at me, they did, an' they run into +the rocks like squir'ls, they did, an' I was too much on the blink to +stick around whistlin' for dearie.</p> + +<p>"But I seen 'em; they was all dolled up in the skins of wild annermals. +When I see the first one she was eatin' onto a ear of corn, an' I nearly +ketched her, but she run like hellnall—yes, sir. Just like that.</p> + +<p>"So next I looked for some cave guy to waltz up an' paste me, but no. An' +after I had went through them dam' Coquina mountains I realized that +there was nary a guy left in this here expirin' race, only women, an' +only about a dozen o' them."</p> + +<p>He ceased, meditatively expelled a cloud of pungent smoke, and folded his +arms.</p> + +<p>"Of course," said I with a sneer, "you have proofs to back your pleasant +tale?"</p> + +<p>"Sure. I made a map."</p> + +<p>"I see," said I sarcastically. "You propose to have me pay you for that +map?"</p> + +<p>"Sure."</p> + +<p>"How much, my confiding friend?"</p> + +<p>"Ten thousand plunks."</p> + +<p>I began to laugh. He laughed, too: "You'll pay 'em if you take my map an' +go to the Coquina hills," he said.</p> + +<p>I stopped laughing: "Do you mean that I am to go there and investigate +before I pay you for this information?"</p> + +<p>"Sure. If the goods ain't up to sample the deal is off."</p> + +<p>"Sample? What sample?" I demanded derisively.</p> + +<p>He made a gesture with one soiled hand as though quieting a balky horse.</p> + +<p>"I took a snapshot, friend. You wanta take a slant at it?"</p> + +<p>"You took a photograph of one of these alleged cave-dwellers?"</p> + +<p>"I took ten but when these here cave-ladies hove rocks at me the fillums +was put on the blink—all excep' this one which I dee-veloped an' +printed."</p> + +<p>He drew from his inner coat pocket a photograph and handed it to me—the +most amazing photograph I ever gazed upon. Astounded, almost convinced +I sat looking at this irrefutable evidence in silence. The smoke of his +cigar drifting into my face aroused me from a sort of dazed inertia.</p> + +<p>"Listen," I said, half strangled, "are you willing to wait for payment +until I personally have verified the existence of these—er—creatures?"</p> + +<p>"You betcher! When you have went there an' have saw the goods, just let +me have mine if they're up to sample. Is that right?"</p> + +<p>"It seems perfectly fair."</p> + +<p>"It is fair. I wouldn't try to do a scientific guy—no, sir. Me without +no eddycation, only brains? Fat chance I'd have to put one over on a +Academy sport what's chuck-a-block with Latin an' Greek an' scientific +stuff an' all like that!"</p> + +<p>I admitted to myself that he'd stand no chance.</p> + +<p>"Is it a go?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Where is the map?" I inquired, trembling internally with excitement.</p> + +<p>"Ha—ha!" he said. "Listen to my mirth! The map is inside here, old +sport!" and he tapped his retreating forehead with one nicotine-stained +finger.</p> + +<p>"I see," said I, trying to speak carelessly; "you desire to pilot me."</p> + +<p>"I don't desire to but I gotta go with you."</p> + +<p>"An accurate map—"</p> + +<p>"Can it, old sport! A accurate map is all right when it's pasted over the +front of your head for a face. But I wear the other kind of map <i>inside</i> +me conk. Get me?"</p> + +<p>"I confess that I do not."</p> + +<p>"Well, get <i>this</i>, then. It's a cash deal. If the goods is up to sample +you hand me mine then an' there. I don't deliver no goods f.o.b. I shows +'em to you. After you have saw them it's up to you to round 'em up. +That's all, as they say when our great President pulls a gun. There ain't +goin' to be no shootin'; walk out quietly, ladies!"</p> + +<p>After I had sat there for fully ten minutes staring at him I came to the +only logical conclusion possible to a scientific mind.</p> + +<p>I said: "You are, admittedly, unlettered; you are confessedly a +chevalier of industry; personally you are exceedingly distasteful to me. +But it is useless to deny that you are the most extraordinary man I ever +saw.... How soon can you take me to these Coquina hills?"</p> + +<p>"Gimme twenty-four hours to—fix things," he said gaily.</p> + +<p>"Is that all?"</p> + +<p>"It's plenty, I guess. An'—say!"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"It's a stric'ly cash deal. Get me?"</p> + +<p>"I shall have with me a certified check for ten thousand dollars. Also a +pair of automatics."</p> + +<p>He laughed: "Huh!" he said, "I could loco your cabbage-palm soup if I was +<i>that</i> kind! I'm on the level, Perfessor. If I wasn't I could get you in +about a hundred styles while you was blinkin' at what you was a-thinkin' +about. But I ain't no gun-man. You hadn't oughta pull that stuff on me. +I've give you your chanst; take it or leave it."</p> + +<p>I pondered profoundly for another ten minutes. And at last my decision +was irrevocably reached.</p> + +<p>"It's a bargain," I said firmly. "What is your name?"</p> + +<p>"Sam Mink. Write it Samuel onto that there certyfied check—if you can +spare the extra seconds from your valooble time."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>II</h2> + +<p>On Monday, the first day of March, 1915, about 10:30 <span class="smcap">a.m.</span>, we +came in sight of something which, until I had met Mink, I never had +dreamed existed in southern Florida—a high range of hills.</p> + +<p>It had been an eventless journey from New York to Miami, from Miami to +Fort Coquina; but from there through an absolutely pathless wilderness as +far as I could make out, the journey had been exasperating.</p> + +<p>Where we went I do not know even now: saw-grass and water, hammock and +shell mound, palm forests, swamps, wildernesses of water-oak and +live-oak, vast stretches of pine, lagoons, sloughs, branches, muddy +creeks, reedy reaches from which wild fowl rose in clouds where +alligators lurked or lumbered about after stranded fish, horrible +mangrove thickets full of moccasins and water-turkeys, heronry more +horrible still, out of which the heat from a vertical sun distilled the +last atom of nauseating effluvia—all these choice spots we visited under +the guidance of the wretched Mink. I seemed to be missing nothing that +might discourage or disgust me.</p> + +<p>He appeared to know the way, somehow, although my compass became +mysteriously lost the first day out from Fort Coquina.</p> + +<p>Again and again I felt instinctively that we were travelling in a vast +circle, but Mink always denied it, and I had no scientific instruments to +verify my deepening suspicions.</p> + +<p>Another thing bothered me: Mink did not seem to suffer from insects or +heat; in fact, to my intense annoyance, he appeared to be having a +comfortable time of it, eating and drinking with gusto, sleeping snugly +under a mosquito bar, permitting me to do all camp work, the paddling as +long as we used a canoe, and all the cooking, too, claiming, on his part, +a complete ignorance of culinary art.</p> + +<p>Sometimes he condescended to catch a few fish for the common pan; +sometimes he bestirred himself to shoot a duck or two. But usually he +played on his concertina during his leisure moments which were plentiful.</p> + +<p>I began to detest Samuel Mink.</p> + +<p>At first I was murderously suspicious of him, and I walked about with my +automatic arsenal ostentatiously displayed. But he looked like such a +miserable little shrimp that I became ashamed of my precautions. Besides, +as he cheerfully pointed out, a little koonti soaked in my drinking +water, would have done my business for me if he had meant me any physical +harm. Also he had a horrid habit of noosing moccasins for sport; and it +would have been easy for him to introduce one to me while I slept.</p> + +<p>Really what most worried me was the feeling which I could not throw off +that somehow or other we were making very little progress in any +particular direction.</p> + +<p>He even admitted that there was reason for my doubts, but he confided to +me that to find these Coquina hills, was like traversing a maze. Doubling +to and fro among forests and swamps, he insisted, was the only possible +path of access to the undiscovered Coquina hills of Florida. Otherwise, +he argued, these Coquina hills would long ago have been discovered.</p> + +<p>And it seemed to me that he had been right when at last we came out on +the edge of a palm forest and beheld that astounding blue outline of +hills in a country which has always been supposed to lie as flat as a +flabby flap-jack.</p> + +<p>A desert of saw-palmetto stretched away before us to the base of the +hills; game trails ran through it in every direction like sheep paths; +a few moth-eaten Florida deer trotted away as we appeared.</p> + +<p>Into one of these trails stepped Samuel Mink, burdened only with his +concertina and a box of cigars. I, loaded with seventy pounds of +impedimenta including a moving-picture apparatus, reeled after him.</p> + +<p>He walked on jauntily toward the hills, his pearl-coloured bowler hat at +an angle. Occasionally he played upon his concertina as he advanced; now +and then he cut a pigeon wing. I hated him. At every toilsome step I +hated him more deeply. He played "Tipperary" on his concertina.</p> + +<p>"See 'em, old top?" he inquired, nodding toward the hills. "I'm a man of +my word, I am. Look at 'em! Take 'em in, old sport! An' reemember, each +an' every hill is guaranteed to contain one bony fidy cave-lady what is +the last vanishin' traces of a extinc' an' dissappeerin' race!"</p> + +<p>We toiled on—that is, I did, bowed under my sweating load of +paraphernalia. He skipped in advance like some degenerate twentieth +century faun, playing on his pipes the unmitigated melodies of George +Cohan.</p> + +<p>"Watch your step!" he cried, nimbly avoiding the attentions of a +ground-rattler which tried to caress his ankle from under a saw-palmetto.</p> + +<p>With a shudder I gave the deadly little reptile room and floundered +forward a prey to exhaustion, melancholy, and red-bugs. A few buzzards +kept pace with me, their broad, black shadows gliding ominously over the +sun-drenched earth; blue-tail lizards went rustling and leaping away on +every side; floppy soft-winged butterflies escorted me; a strange bird +which seemed to be dressed in a union suit of checked gingham, flew from +tree to tree as I plodded on, and squealed at me persistently.</p> + +<p>At last I felt the hard coquina under foot; the cool blue shadow of the +hills enveloped me; I slipped off my pack, dumped it beside a little rill +of crystal water which ran sparkling from the hills, and sat down on a +soft and fragrant carpet of hound's-tongue.</p> + +<p>After a while I drank my fill at the rill, bathed head, neck, face and +arms, and, feeling delightfully refreshed, leaned back against the +fern-covered slab of coquina.</p> + +<p>"What are you doing?" I demanded of Mink who was unpacking the kit and +disengaging the moving-picture machine.</p> + +<p>"Gettin' ready," he replied, fussing busily with the camera.</p> + +<p>"You don't expect to see any cave people here, do you?" I asked with a +thrill of reviving excitement.</p> + +<p>"Why not?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Here</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Cert'nly. Why the first one I seen was a-drinkin' into this brook."</p> + +<p>"Here! Where I'm sitting?" I asked incredulously.</p> + +<p>"Yes, sir, right there. It was this way; I was lyin' down, tryin' to +figure the shortes' way to Fort Coquina, an' wishin' I was nearer +Broadway than I was to the Equator, when I heard a voice say, 'Blub-blub, +muck-a-muck!' an' then I seen two cave-ladies come sof'ly stealin' +along."</p> + +<p>"W-where?"</p> + +<p>"Right there where you are a-sittin'. Say, they was lookers! An' they +come along quiet like two big-eyed deer, kinder nosin' the air and +listenin'.</p> + +<p>"'Gee whiz,' thinks I, 'Longacre ain't got so much on them dames!' An' at +that one o' them wore a wild-cat's skin an' that's all—an' a wild-cat +ain't big. And t'other she sported pa'm-leaf pyjamas.</p> + +<p>"So when they don't see nothin' around to hinder, they just lays down +flat and takes a drink into that pool, lookin' up every swallow like +little birds listenin' and kinder thankin' God for a good square drink.</p> + +<p>"I knowed they was wild girls soon as I seen 'em. Also they sez to one +another, 'Blub-blub!' Kinder sof'ly. All the same I've seen wilder ladies +on Broadway so I took a chanst where I was squattin' behind a rock.</p> + +<p>"So sez I, 'Ah there, sweetie Blub-blub! Have a taxi on me!' An' with +that they is on their feet, quiverin' all over an' nosin' the wind. So +first I took some snapshots at 'em with my Bijoo camera.</p> + +<p>"I guess they scented me all right for I seen their eyes grow bigger, an' +then they give a bound an' was off over the rocks; an' me after 'em. Say, +that was some steeple-chase until a few more cave-ladies come out on them +rocks above us an' hove chunks of coquina at me.</p> + +<p>"An' with all that dodgin' an' duckin' of them there rocks the cave-girls +got away; an' I seen 'em an' the other cave-ladies scurryin' into little +caves—one whisked into this hole, another scuttled into that—bing! all +over!</p> + +<p>"All I could think of was to light a cigar an' blow the smoke in after +the best-lookin' cave-girl. But I couldn't smoke her out, an' I hadn't +time to starve her out. So that's all I know about this here +pree-historic an' extinc' race o' vanishin' cave-ladies."</p> + +<p>As his simple and illiterate narrative advanced I became proportionally +excited; and, when he ended, I sprang to my feet in an uncontrollable +access of scientific enthusiasm:</p> + +<p>"Was she really pretty?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"Listen, she was that peachy—"</p> + +<p>"Enough!" I cried. "Science expects every man to do his duty! Are your +films ready to record a scene without precedent in the scientific annals +of creation?"</p> + +<p>"They sure is!"</p> + +<p>"Then place your camera and your person in a strategic position. This is +a magnificent spot for an ambush! Come over beside me!"</p> + +<p>He came across to where I had taken cover among the ferns behind the +parapet of coquina, and with a thrill of pardonable joy I watched him +unlimber his photographic artillery and place it in battery where my +every posture and action would be recorded for posterity if a cave-lady +came down to the water-hole to drink.</p> + +<p>"It were futile," I explained to him in a guarded voice, "for me to +attempt to cajole her as you attempted it. Neither playful nor moral +suasion could avail, for it is certain that no cave-lady understands +English."</p> + +<p>"I thought o' that, too," he remarked. "I said, 'Blub-blub! muck-a-muck!' +to 'em when they started to run, but it didn't do no good."</p> + +<p>I smiled: "Doubtless," said I, "the spoken language of the cave-dweller +is made up of similarly primitive exclamations, and you were quite right +in attempting to communicate with the cave-ladies and establish a cordial +entente. Professor Garner has done so among the Simian population of +Gaboon. Your attempt is most creditable and I shall make it part of my +record.</p> + +<p>"But the main idea is to capture a living specimen of cave-lady, and +corroborate every detail of that pursuit and capture upon the films.</p> + +<p>"And believe me, Mr. Mink," I added, my voice trembling with emotion, "no +Academician is likely to go to sleep when I illustrate my address with +such pictures as you are now about to take!"</p> + +<p>"The police might pull the show," he suggested.</p> + +<p>"No," said I, "Science is already immune; art is becoming so. Only nature +need fear the violence of prejudice; and doubtless she will continue to +wear pantalettes and common-sense nighties as long as our great republic +endures."</p> + +<p>I unslung my field-glasses, adjusted them and took a penetrating squint +at the hillside above.</p> + +<p>Nothing stirred up there except a buzzard or two wheeling on tip-curled +pinions above the palms.</p> + +<p>Presently Mink inquired whether I had "lamped" anything, and I replied +that I had not.</p> + +<p>"They may be snoozin' in their caves," he suggested. "But don't you fret, +old top; you'll get what's comin' to you and I'll get mine."</p> + +<p>"About that check—" I began and hesitated.</p> + +<p>"Sure. What about it?"</p> + +<p>"I suppose I'm to give it to you when the first cave-woman appears."</p> + +<p>"That's what!"</p> + +<p>I pondered the matter for a while in silence. I could see no risk in +paying him this draft on sight.</p> + +<p>"All right," I said. "Bring on your cave-dwellers."</p> + +<p>Hour succeeded hour, but no cave-dwellers came down to the pool to drink. +We ate luncheon—a bit of cold duck, some koonti-bread, and a dish of +palm-cabbage. I smoked an inexpensive cigar; Mink lit a more pretentious +one. Afterward he played on his concertina at my suggestion on the chance +that the music might lure a cave-girl down the hill. Nymphs were +sometimes caught that way, and modern science seems to be reverting more +and more closely to the simpler truths of the classics which, in our +ignorance and arrogance, we once dismissed as fables unworthy of +scientific notice.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs112" id="gs112"></a> +<img src="images/gs112.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the +music might lure a cave-girl down the hill."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>However this Broadway faun piped in vain: no white-footed dryad came +stealing through the ferns to gaze, perhaps to dance to the concertina's +plaintive melodies.</p> + +<p>So after a while he put his concertina into his pocket, cocked his derby +hat on one side, gathered his little bandy legs under his person, and +squatted there in silence, chewing the wet and bitter end of his extinct +cigar.</p> + +<p>Toward mid-afternoon I unslung my field-glasses again and surveyed the +hill.</p> + +<p>At first I noticed nothing, not even a buzzard; then, of a sudden, my +attention was attracted to something moving among the fern-covered slabs +of coquina just above where we lay concealed—a slim, graceful shape half +shadowed under a veil of lustrous hair which glittered like gold in the +sun.</p> + +<p>"Mink!" I whispered hoarsely. "One of them is coming! This—this indeed +is the stupendous and crowning climax of my scientific career!"</p> + +<p>His comment was incredibly coarse: "Gimme the dough," he said without a +tremor of surprise. Indeed there was a metallic ring of menace in his low +and entirely cold tones as he laid one hand on my arm. "No welchin'," he +said, "or I put the whole show on the bum!"</p> + +<p>The overwhelming excitement of the approaching crisis neutralized my +disgust; I fished out the certified check from my pocket and flung the +miserable scrap of paper at him. "Get your machine ready!" I hissed. "Do +you understand what these moments mean to the civilized world!"</p> + +<p>"I sure do," he said.</p> + +<p>Nearer and nearer came the lithe white figure under its glorious crown of +hair, moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs—nearer, +nearer, until I no longer required my glasses.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs116" id="gs116"></a> +<img src="images/gs116.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina +slabs."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>She was a slender red-lipped thing, blue-eyed, dainty of hand and foot.</p> + +<p>The spotted pelt of a wild-cat covered her, or attempted to.</p> + +<p>I unfolded a large canvas sack as she approached the pool. For a moment +or two she stood gazing around her and her close-set ears seemed to be +listening. Then, apparently satisfied, she threw back her beautiful young +head and sent a sweet wild call floating back to the sunny hillside.</p> + +<p>"Blub-blub!" rang her silvery voice; "blub-blub! Muck-a-muck!" And from +the fern-covered hollows above other voices replied joyously to her +reassuring call, "Blub-blub-blub!"</p> + +<p>The whole bunch was coming down to drink—the entire remnant of a +prehistoric and almost extinct race of human creatures was coming to +quench its thirst at this water-hole. How I wished for James Barnes at +the camera's crank! He alone could do justice to this golden girl before +me.</p> + +<p>One by one, clad in their simple yet modest gowns of pelts and garlands, +five exquisitively superb specimens of cave-girl came gracefully down to +the water-hole to drink.</p> + +<p>Almost swooning with scientific excitement I whispered to the unspeakable +Mink: "Begin to crank as soon as I move!" And, gathering up my big canvas +sack I rose, and, still crouching, stole through the ferns on tip-toe.</p> + +<p>They had already begun to drink when they heard me; I must have made some +slight sound in the ferns, for their keen ears detected it and they +sprang to their feet.</p> + +<p>It was a magnificent sight to see them there by the pool, tense, +motionless, at gaze, their dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes +wide and alert.</p> + +<p>For a moment, enchanted, I remained spellbound in the presence of this +prehistoric spectacle, then, waving my sack, I sprang out from behind the +rock and cantered toward them.</p> + +<p>Instead of scattering and flying up the hillside they seemed paralyzed, +huddling together as though to get into the picture. Delighted I turned +and glanced at Mink; he was cranking furiously.</p> + +<p>With an uncontrollable shout of triumph and delight I pranced toward +the huddling cave-girls, arms outspread as though heading a horse or +concentrating chickens. And, totally forgetting the uselessness of +urbanity and civilized speech as I danced around that lovely but +terrified group, "Ladies!" I cried, "do not be alarmed, because I mean +only kindness and proper respect. Civilization calls you from the wilds! +Sentiment, pity, piety propel my legs, not the ruthless desire to injure +or enslave you! Ladies! You are under the wing of science. An +anthropologist is speaking to you! Fear nothing! Rather rejoice! Your +wonderful race shall be rescued from extinction—even if I have to do it +myself! Ladies, don't run!" They had suddenly scattered and were now +beginning to dodge me. "I come among you bearing the precious promises +of education, of religion, of equal franchise, of fashion!"</p> + +<p>"Blub-blub!" they whimpered continuing to dodge me.</p> + +<p>"Yes!" I cried in an excess of transcendental enthusiasm. "Blub-blub! And +though I do not comprehend the exquisite simplicity of your primeval +speech, I answer with all my heart, 'Blub-blub!'"</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, they were dodging and eluding me as I chased first one, then +another, one hand outstretched, the other invitingly clutching the sack.</p> + +<p>A hasty glance at Mink now and then revealed him industriously cranking +away.</p> + +<p>Once I fell into the pool. That section of the film should never be +released, I determined, as I blew the water out of my mouth, gasped, and +started after a lovely, ruddy-haired cave-girl whose curiosity had led +her to linger beside the pool in which I was floundering.</p> + +<p>But run as fast as I could and skip hither and thither with all the +agility I could muster I did not seem to be able to seize a single +cave-girl.</p> + +<p>Every few minutes, baffled and breathless, I rested; and they always +clustered together uttering their plaintively musical "blub-blub," not +apparently very much afraid of me, and even exhibiting curiosity. Now and +then they cast glances toward Mink who was grinding away steadily, and I +could scarcely retain a shout of joy as I realized what wonderful +pictures he was taking. Indeed luck seemed to be with me, so far, for +never once did these beautiful prehistoric creatures retire out of +photographic range.</p> + +<p>But otherwise the problem was becoming serious. I could not catch one of +them; they eluded me with maddening swiftness and grace; my pauses to +recover my breath became more frequent.</p> + +<p>At last, dead beat, I sat down on a slab of coquina. And when I was able +to articulate I turned around toward Mink.</p> + +<p>"You'll have to drop your camera and come over and help me," I panted. +"I'm all in!"</p> + +<p>"Not quite," he said.</p> + +<p>For a moment I did not understand him; then under my outraged eyes, and +within the hearing of my horrified ears a terrible thing occurred.</p> + +<p>"Now, ladies!" yelled Mink, "all on for the fine-ally! Up-stage there, +you red-headed little spot-crabber! Mabel! Take the call! Now smile the +whole bloomin' bunch of you!"</p> + +<p>What was he saying? I did not comprehend. I stared dully at the six +cave-girls as they grouped themselves in a semi-circle behind me.</p> + +<p>Then, as one of them came up and unfolded a white strip of cloth behind +my head, the others drew from concealed pockets in their kilts of +cat-fur, little silk flags of all nations and began to wave them.</p> + +<p>Paralyzed I turned my head. On the strip of white cloth, which the +tallest cave-girl was holding directly behind my head, was printed in +large black letters:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>SUNSET SOAP</p></div> + +<p>For one cataclysmic instant I gazed upon this hideous spectacle, then +with an unearthly cry I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking +one.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs121" id="gs121"></a> +<img src="images/gs121.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>There is little more to say. Contrary to my fears the release of this +outrageous film did not injure my scientific standing. Modern science, +accustomed to proprietary testimonials, has become reconciled to such +things.</p> + +<p>My appearance upon the films in the movies in behalf of Sunset Soap, +oddly enough, seemed to enhance my scientific reputation. Even such +austere purists as Guilford, the Cubist poet, congratulated me upon my +fearless independence of ethical tradition.</p> + +<p>And I had lived to learn a gentler truth than that, for, the pretty girl +who had been cast for Cave-girl No. 3—But let that pass. <i>Adhibenda est +in jocando moderatio</i>.</p> + +<p>Sweet are the uses of advertisement.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_LADIES_OF_THE_LAKE" id="THE_LADIES_OF_THE_LAKE"></a>THE LADIES OF THE LAKE</h2> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs126.jpg"><img src="images/gs126.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>I</h2> + + +<p>At the suggestion of several hundred thousand ladies desiring to revel +and possibly riot in the saturnalia of equal franchise, the unnamed lakes +in that vast and little known region in Alaska bounded by the Ylanqui +River and the Thunder Mountains were now being inexorably named after +women.</p> + +<p>It was a beautiful thought. Already several exquisite, lonely bits of +water, gem-set among the eternal peaks, mirrors for cloud and soaring +eagle, a glass for the moon as keystone to the towering arch of stars, +had been irrevocably labelled.</p> + +<p>Already there was Lake Amelia Jones, Lake Sadie Dingleheimer, Lake Maggie +McFadden, and Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt.</p> + +<p>I longed to see these lakes under the glamour of their newly added +beauty.</p> + +<p>Imagine, therefore, my surprise and happiness when I received the +following communication from my revered and beloved chief, Professor +Farrago, dated from the Smithsonian Institute, Washington, whither he +had been summoned in haste to examine and pronounce upon the identity +of a very small bird supposed to be a specimen of that rare and almost +extinct creature, the two-toed titmouse, <i>Mustitta duototus</i>, to be +scientifically exact, as I invariably strive to be.</p> + +<p>The important letter in question was as follows:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>To +Percy Smith, B.S., D.F., etc., etc., +Curator, Department of Anthropology, +Administration Building, +Bronx Park, N.Y.</p> + +<p><i>My Dear Mr. Smith</i>:</p> + +<p>Several very important and determined ladies, recently honoured by +the Government in having a number of lakes in Alaska named after them, +have decided to make a pilgrimage to that region, inspired by a +characteristic desire to gaze upon the lakes named after them +individually.</p> + +<p>They request information upon the following points:</p> + +<p>1st. Are the waters of the lakes in that locality sufficiently clear +for a lady to do her hair by? In that event, the expedition will not +burden itself with looking-glasses.</p> + +<p>2nd. Are there any hotels? (You need merely say, no. I have tried to +explain to them that it is, for the most part, an unexplored +wilderness, but they insist upon further information from you.)</p> + +<p>3rd. If there are hotels, is there also running water to be had? (You +may tell them that there is plenty of running water.)</p> + +<p>4th. What are the summer outdoor amusements? (You may inform them that +there is plenty of bathing, boating, fishing, and an abundance of shade +trees. Also, excellent mountain-climbing to be had in the vicinity. You +need not mention the pastimes of "Hunt the Flea" or "Dodge the +Skeeter.")</p> + +<p>I am not by nature cruel, Mr. Smith, but when these ladies informed +me that they had decided to penetrate that howling and unexplored +wilderness without being burdened or interfered with by any member of +my sex, for one horrid and criminal moment I hoped they would. Because +in that event none of them would ever come back.</p> + +<p>However, in my heart milder and more humane sentiments prevailed. I +pointed out to them the peril of their undertaking, the dangers of an +unexplored region, the necessity of masculine guidance and support.</p> + +<p>My earnestness and solicitude were, I admit, prompted partly by a +desire to utilize this expensively projected expedition as a vehicle +for the accumulation of scientific data.</p> + +<p>As soon as I heard of it I conceived the plan of attaching two members +of our Bronx Park scientific staff to the expedition—you, and Mr. +Brown.</p> + +<p>But no sooner did these determined ladies hear of it than they repelled +the suggestion with indignation.</p> + +<p>Now, the matter stands as follows: These ladies don't want any man in +the expedition; but they have at last realized that they've got to take +a guide or two. And there are no feminine guides in Alaska.</p> + +<p>Therefore, considering the immense and vital importance of such an +opportunity to explore and report upon this unknown region at somebody +else's expense, I suggest that you and Brown meet these ladies at Lake +Mrs. Susan W. Pillsbury, which lies on the edge of the region to be +explored; that you, without actually perjuring yourselves too horribly, +convey to them the misleading impression that you are the promised +guides provided for them by a cowed and avuncular Government; and that +you take these fearsome ladies about and let them gaze at their +reflections in the various lakes named after them; and that, while the +expedition lasts, you secretly make such observations, notes, reports, +and collections of the flora and fauna of the region as your +opportunities may permit.</p> + +<p>No time is to be lost. If, at Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, you find regular +guides awaiting these ladies, you will bribe these guides to go away +and you yourselves will then impersonate the guides. I know of no other +way for you to explore this region, as all our available resources at +Bronx Park have already been spent in painting appropriate scenery to +line the cages of the mammalia, and also in the present exceedingly +expensive expedition in search of the polka-dotted boom-bock, which is +supposed to inhabit the jungle beyond Lake Niggerplug.</p> + +<p>My most solemn and sincere wishes accompany you. Bless you!</p> + +<p>Farrago.</p></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>II</h2> + + +<p>This, then, is how it came about that "Kitten" Brown and I were seated, +one midgeful morning in July, by the pellucid waters of Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury, gnawing sections from a greasily fried trout, upon which I had +attempted culinary operations.</p> + +<p>Brown's baptismal name was William; but the unfortunate young man +was once discovered indiscreetly embracing a pretty assistant in the +Administration Building at Bronx, and, furthermore, was overheard to +address her as "Kitten."</p> + +<p>So Kitten Brown it was for him in future. After he had fought all the +younger members of the scientific staff in turn, he gradually became +resigned to this annoying <i>nom d'amour</i>.</p> + +<p>Lightly but thoroughly equipped for scientific field research, we had +arrived at the rendezvous in time to bribe the two guides engaged by the +Government to go back to their own firesides.</p> + +<p>A week later the formidable expedition of representative ladies arrived; +and now they were sitting on the shore of Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, at a +little distance from us, trying to keep the midges from their features +and attempting to eat the fare provided for them by me.</p> + +<p>I myself couldn't eat it. No wonder they murmured. But hunger goaded them +to attack the greasy mess of trout and fried cornmeal.</p> + +<p>Kitten was saying to me:</p> + +<p>"Our medicine chest isn't very extensive. I hope they brought their own. +If they didn't, some among us will never again see New York."</p> + +<p>I stole a furtive glance at the unfortunate women. There was one among +them—but let me first enumerate their heavy artillery:</p> + +<p>There was the Reverend Dr. Amelia Jones, blond, adipose, and close to the +four-score mark. She stepped high in the Equal Franchise ranks. Nobody +had ever had the temerity to answer her back.</p> + +<p>There was Miss Sadie Dingleheimer, fifty, emaciated, anemic, and gauntly +glittering with thick-lensed eye-glasses. She was the President of the +National Prophylactic Club, whatever that may be.</p> + +<p>There was Miss Margaret McFadden, a Titian, profusely toothed, muscular, +and President of the Hair Dressers' Union of the United States.</p> + +<p>There was Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt, a grass one—Batt being represented +as a vanishing point—President of the National Eugenic and Purity +League; tall, gnarled, sinuously powerful, and prone to emotional +attacks. The attacks were directed toward others.</p> + +<p>These, then, composed the heavy artillery. The artillery of the light +brigade consisted only of a single piece. Her name was Angelica White, a +delegate from the Trained Nurses' Association of America. The nurses had +been too busy with their business to attend such picnics, so one had been +selected by lot to represent the busy Association on this expedition.</p> + +<p>Angelica White was a tall, fair, yellow-haired girl of twenty-two or +three, with violet-blue eyes and red lips, and a way of smiling a little +when spoken to—but let that pass. I mean only to be scientifically +minute. A passion for fact has ever obsessed me. I have little literary +ability and less desire to sully my pen with that degraded form of +letters known as fiction. Once in my life my mania for accuracy involved +me lyrically. It was a short poem, but an earnest one:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Truth is mighty and must prevail,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Otherwise it were inadvisable to tell the tale.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>I bestowed it upon the New York <i>Evening Post</i>, but declined +remuneration. My message belonged to the world. I don't mean the +newspaper.</p> + +<p>Her eyes, then, were tinted with that indefinable and agreeable nuance +which modifies blue to a lilac or violet hue.</p> + +<p>Watching her askance, I was deeply sorry that my cooking seemed to pain +her.</p> + +<p>"Guide!" said Mrs. Doolittle Batt, in that remarkable, booming voice of +hers.</p> + +<p>"Ma'am!" said Kitten Brown and I with spontaneous alacrity, leaping from +the ground as though shot at.</p> + +<p>"This cooking," she said, with an ominous stare at us, "is atrocious. +Don't you know how to cook?"</p> + +<p>I said with a smiling attempt at ease:</p> + +<p>"There are various ways of cooking food for the several species of +mammalia which an all-wise Providence—"</p> + +<p>"Do you think you're cooking for wild-cats?" she demanded.</p> + +<p>Our smiles faded.</p> + +<p>"It's my opinion that you're incompetent," remarked the Reverend Dr. +Jones, slapping at midges with a hand that might have rocked all the +cradles of the nation, but had not rocked any.</p> + +<p>"We're not getting our money's worth," said Miss Dingleheimer, "even if +the Government does pay your salaries."</p> + +<p>I looked appealingly from one stony face to another. In Miss McFadden's +eye there was the somber glint of battle. She said:</p> + +<p>"If you can guide us no better than you cook, God save us all this day +week!" And she hurled the contents of her tin plate into Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Doolittle Batt arose:</p> + +<p>"Come," she said; "it is time we started. What is the name of the first +lake we may hope to encounter?"</p> + +<p>We knew no more than did they, but we said that Lake Gladys Doolittle +Batt was the first, hoping to placate that fearsome woman.</p> + +<p>"Come on, then!" she cried, picking up her carved and varnished mountain +staff.</p> + +<p>Miss Dingleheimer had brought one, too, from the Catskills.</p> + +<p>So Kitten Brown and I loaded our mule, set him in motion, and drove him +forward into the unknown.</p> + +<p>Where we were going we had not the slightest idea; the margin of the lake +was easy travelling, so easy that we never noticed that we had already +gone around the lake three times, until Mrs. Batt recognized the fact and +turned on us furiously.</p> + +<p>I didn't know how to explain it, except to say feebly that I was doing it +as a sort of preliminary canter to harden and inure the ladies.</p> + +<p>"We don't need hardening!" she snarled. "Do you understand that!"</p> + +<p>I comprehended that at once. But I forced a sickly smile and skipped +forward in the wake of my mule, with something of the same abandon +which characterizes the flight of an unwelcome dog.</p> + +<p>In the terrified ear of Kitten I voiced my doubts concerning the +prospects of a pleasant journey.</p> + +<p>We marched in the following order: Arthur, the heavily laden mule, +led; then came Kitten Brown and myself, all hung over with stew-pans, +shotguns, rifles, cartridge-belts, ponchos, and the toilet reticules of +the ladies; then marched the Reverend Dr. Jones, and, in order, filing +behind her, Miss Dingleheimer, Mrs. Batt, Miss McFadden, and Miss +White—the latter in her trained nurse's costume and wearing a red cross +on her sleeve—an idea of Mrs. Batt, who believed in emergency methods.</p> + +<p>Mrs. Batt also bore a banner, much interfered with by the foliage, +bearing the inscription:</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">EQUAL RIGHTS!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">EUGENICS OR EXTERMINATION!<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>After a while she shouted:</p> + +<p>"Guide! Here, you may carry this banner for a while! I'm tired."</p> + +<p>Kitten and I took turns with it after that. It was hard work, +particularly as one by one in turn they came up and hung their parasols +and shopping reticules all over us. We plodded forward like a pair of +moving department stores, not daring to shift our burdens to Arthur, +because we had already stuffed into the panniers of that simple and +dignified animal all our collecting boxes, cyanide jars, butterfly nets, +note-books, reels of piano wire, thermometers, barometers, hydrometers, +stereometers, aeronoids, adnoids—everything, in fact, that guides are +not supposed to pack into the woods, but which we had smuggled unbeknown +to those misguided ones we guided.</p> + +<p>And, to make room for our scientific paraphernalia, we had been obliged +to do a thing so mean, so inexpressibly low, that I blush to relate it. +But facts are facts; we discarded nearly a ton of feminine impedimenta. +There was fancy work of all sorts in the making or in the raw—materials +for knitting, embroidering, tatting, sewing, hemming, stitching, +drawn-work, lace-making, crocheting.</p> + +<p>Also we disposed of almost half a ton of toilet necessities—powder, +perfumery, cosmetics, hot-water bags, slippers, negligees, novels, +magazines, bon-bons, chewing-gum, hat-boxes, gloves, stockings, +underwear.</p> + +<p>We left enough apparel for each lady to change once. They'd have to do +some scrubbing now. Science can not be halted by hatpins; cosmos can not +be side-tracked by cosmetics.</p> + +<p>Toward sunset we came upon a small, crystal clear pond, set between the +bases of several lofty mountains. I was ready to drop with fatigue, but +I nerved myself, drew a deep, exultant breath, and with one of those +fine, sweeping gestures, I cried:</p> + +<p>"Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt! Eureka! At last! Excelsior!"</p> + +<p>There was a profound silence behind me. I turned, striving to mask my +apprehension with a smile. The ladies were regarding the pond in +surprise. I admit that it was a pond, not a lake.</p> + +<p>Injecting into my voice the last remnants of glee which I could summon, I +shouted, "Eureka!" and began to caper about as though the size and beauty +of the pond had affected me with irrepressible enthusiasm, hoping by my +emotion to stampede the convention.</p> + +<p>The cold voice of Mrs. Doolittle Batt checked my transports:</p> + +<p>"Is that puddle named after me?" she demanded.</p> + +<p>"M-ma'am?" I stammered.</p> + +<p>"If that wretched frog-pond has been christened with my name, somebody is +going to get into trouble," she said ominously.</p> + +<p>A profound silence ensued. Arthur patiently switched at flies. As for +me, I looked up at the majestic pines, gazed upon the lofty and eternal +hills, then ventured a sneaking glance all around me. But I could +discover no avenue of escape in case Mrs. Batt should charge me.</p> + +<p>"I had been informed," she began dangerously, "that the majestic body of +water, which I understood had been honoured with my name, was twelve +miles long and three miles wide. This appears to be a puddle!"</p> + +<p>"B-b-but it's very p-pretty," I protested feebly. "It's quite round and +clear, and it's nearly a quarter of a mile in d-diameter—"</p> + +<p>"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Doolittle Batt. "I've been swindled!"</p> + +<p>Kitten Brown knew more about women than did I. He said in a fairly steady +voice:</p> + +<p>"Madame, it is an outrage! The women of this mighty nation should make +the Government answerable for its duplicity! Your lake should have been +at least twenty miles long!"</p> + +<p>Everybody turned and looked at Kitten. He was a handsome dog.</p> + +<p>"This young man appears to have some trace of common-sense," said Mrs. +Batt. "I shall see to it that the Government is held responsible for +this odious act of insulting duplicity. I—I won't have my name given to +this—this wallow!—" She advanced toward me, her small eyes blazing: I +retreated to leeward of Arthur.</p> + +<p>"Guide!" she said in a voice still trembling with passion. "Are you +certain that you have made no mistake? You appear to be unusually +ignorant."</p> + +<p>"I am afraid there can be no room for doubt," I said, almost scared out +of my senses.</p> + +<p>"And on top of this outrage, am I to eat your cooking?" she demanded +passionately. "Did I come here to look at this frog-pond and choke on +your cooking? <i>Did</i> I?"</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> can cook," said a clear, pleasant voice at my elbow. And Miss White +came forward, cool, clean, fresh as a posy in her uniform and cap. I +immediately got behind her.</p> + +<p>"I can cook very nicely," she said smilingly. "It is part of my +profession, you know. So if you two guides will be kind enough to build +the fire and help me—" She let her violet eyes linger on me for an +instant, then on Brown. A moment later he and I were jostling each other +in our eagerness to obey her slightest suggestion. It is that way with +men.</p> + +<p>So we built her a fire and unpacked our provisions, and we waited very +politely on the ladies when dinner was ready.</p> + +<p>It was a fine dinner—coffee, bacon, flap-jacks, soup, ash-bread, stewed +chicken.</p> + +<p>The heavy artillery, made ravenous by their journey, required vast +quantities of ammunition. They banqueted largely. I gazed in amazement at +Mrs. Doolittle Batt as she swallowed one flap-jack after another, while +her eyes bulged larger and larger.</p> + +<p>Nor was the capacity of Miss Dingleheimer and the Reverend Dr. Jones to +be mocked at by pachyderms.</p> + +<p>Brown and I left them eating while we erected the row of little tents. +Every lady had demanded a separate tent.</p> + +<p>So we cut saplings, set up the silk, drove pegs, and brought armfuls of +balsam boughs.</p> + +<p>I was afraid they'd demand their knitting and other utensils, but they +had eaten to repletion, and were sleepy; and as each toilet case or +reticule contained also a nightgown, they drew the flaps of their several +tents without insisting that we unpack Arthur's panniers.</p> + +<p>They all had disappeared within their tents except Miss White, who +insisted on cooking something for us, although we protested that the +scraps of the banquet were all right for mere guides.</p> + +<p>She stood beside us for a few minutes, watching us busy with our +delicious dinner.</p> + +<p>"You poor fellows," she said gently. "You are nearly starved."</p> + +<p>It is agreeable to be sympathized with by a tall, fair, fresh young girl. +We looked up, simpering gratefully.</p> + +<p>"This is really a most lovely little lake," she said, gazing out across +the still, crystalline water which was all rose and gold in the sunset, +save where the sombre shapes of the towering mountains were mirrored in +glassy depths.</p> + +<p>"It's odd," I said, "that no trout are jumping. There ought to be lots of +them there, and this is their jumping hour."</p> + +<p>We all looked at the quiet, oval bit of water. Not a circle, not the +slightest ripple disturbed it.</p> + +<p>"It must be deep," remarked Brown.</p> + +<p>We gazed up at the three lofty peaks, the bases of which were the shores +of this tiny gem among lakes. Deep, deep, plunging down into dusky +profundity, the rocks fell away sheer into limpid depths.</p> + +<p>"That little lake may be a thousand feet deep," I said. "In 1903 +Professor Farrago, of Bronx Park, measured a lake in the Thunder +Mountains, which was two thousand seven hundred and sixty-nine feet +deep."</p> + +<p>Miss White looked at me curiously.</p> + +<p>Into a patch of late sunshine flitted a small butterfly—one of the +<i>Grapta</i> species. It settled on a chip of wood, uncoiled its delicate +proboscis, and spread its fulvous and deeply indented wings.</p> + +<p>"<i>Grapta California</i>," remarked Brown to me.</p> + +<p>"<i>Vanessa asteriska</i>" I corrected him. "Note the anal angle of the +secondaries and the argentiferous discal area bordering the subcostal +nervule."</p> + +<p>"The characteristic stripes on the primaries are wanting," he demurred.</p> + +<p>"It is double brooded. The summer form lacks the three darker bands."</p> + +<p>A few moments' silence was broken by the voice of Miss White.</p> + +<p>"I had no idea," she remarked, "that Alaskan guides were so familiar with +entomological terms and nomenclature."</p> + +<p>We both turned very red.</p> + +<p>Brown mumbled something about having picked up a smattering. I added that +Brown had taught me.</p> + +<p>Perhaps she believed us; her blue eyes rested on us curiously, musingly. +Also, at moments, I fancied there was the faintest glint of amusement in +them.</p> + +<p>She said:</p> + +<p>"Two scientific gentlemen from New York requested permission to join this +expedition, but Mrs. Batt refused them." She gazed thoughtfully upon +the waters of Lake Gladys Doolittle Batt. "I wonder," she murmured, "what +became of those two gentlemen."</p> + +<p>It was evident that we had betrayed ourselves to this young girl.</p> + +<p>She glanced at us again, and perhaps she noticed in our fascinated gaze +an expression akin to terror, for suddenly she laughed—such a clear, +sweet, silvery little laugh!</p> + +<p>"For my part," she said, "I wish they had come with us. I like—men."</p> + +<p>With that she bade us goodnight very politely and went off to her tent, +leaving us with our hats pressed against our stomachs, attempting by the +profundity of our bows to indicate the depth of our gratitude.</p> + +<p>"<i>There's</i> a girl!" exclaimed Brown, as soon as she had disappeared +behind her tent flaps. "She'll never let on to Medusa, Xantippe, +Cassandra and Company. I <i>like</i> that girl, Smith."</p> + +<p>"You're not the only one imbued by such sentiments," said I.</p> + +<p>He smiled a fatuous and reminiscent smile. He certainly was good-looking. +Presently he said:</p> + +<p>"She has the most delightful way of gazing at a man—"</p> + +<p>"I've noticed," I said pleasantly.</p> + +<p>"Oh. Did she happen to glance at <i>you</i> that way?" he inquired. I wanted +to beat him.</p> + +<p>All I said was:</p> + +<p>"She's certainly some kitten." Which bottled that young man for a while.</p> + +<p>We lay on the bank of the tiny lake, our backs against a huge pine-tree, +watching the last traces of colour fading from peak and tree-top.</p> + +<p>"Isn't it queer," I said, "that not a trout has splashed? It can't be +that there are no fish in the lake."</p> + +<p>"There <i>are</i> such lakes."</p> + +<p>"Yes, very deep ones. I wonder how deep this is."</p> + +<p>"We'll be out at sunrise with our reel of piano wire and take soundings," +he said. "The heavy artillery won't wake until they're ready to be loaded +with flap-jacks."</p> + +<p>I shuddered:</p> + +<p>"They're fearsome creatures, Brown. Somehow, that resolute and bony one +has inspired me with a terror unutterable."</p> + +<p>"Mrs. Batt?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>He said seriously:</p> + +<p>"She'll make a horrid outcry when she asks for her knitting. What are you +going to tell her?"</p> + +<p>"I shall say that Indians ambuscaded us while she was asleep, and carried +off all those things."</p> + +<p>"You lie very nicely, don't you?" he remarked admiringly.</p> + +<p>"<i>In vitium ducit culpæ fuga</i>," said I. "Besides, they don't really need +those articles."</p> + +<p>He laughed. He didn't seem to be very much afraid of Mrs. Batt.</p> + +<p>It had grown deliciously dusky, and myriads of stars were coming out. +Little by little the lake lost its shape in the darkness, until only an +irregular, star-set area of quiet water indicated that there was any lake +there at all.</p> + +<p>I remember that Brown and I, reclining at the foot of the tree, were +looking at the still and starry surface of the lake, over which numbers +of bats were darting after insects; and I recollect that I was just about +to speak, when, of a sudden, the silent and luminous surface of the water +was shattered as with a subterranean explosion; a geyser of scintillating +spray shot upward flashing, foaming, towering a hundred feet into the +air. And through it I seemed to catch a glimpse of a vast, quivering, +twisting mass of silver falling back with a crash into the lake, while +the huge fountain rained spray on every side and the little lake rocked +and heaved from shore to shore, sending great sheets of surf up over the +rocks so high that the very tree-tops dripped.</p> + +<p>Petrified, dumb, our senses almost paralyzed by the shock, our ears still +deafened by the watery crash of that gigantic something that had fallen +into the lake, and our eyes starting from their sockets, we stared at the +darkness.</p> + +<p>Slap—slash—slush went the waves, hitting the shore with a clashing +sound almost metallic. Vision and hearing told us that the water in the +lake was rocking like the contents of a bath-tub.</p> + +<p>"G-g-good Lord!" whispered Brown. "Is there a v-volcano under that lake?"</p> + +<p>"Did you see that huge, glittering shape that seemed to fall into the +water?" I gasped.</p> + +<p>"Yes. What was it? A meteor?"</p> + +<p>"No. It was something that first came out of the lake and fell back—the +way a trout leaps. Heavens! It couldn't have been alive, could it?"</p> + +<p>"W-wh-what do you mean?" stammered Brown.</p> + +<p>"It couldn't have been a f-f-fish, could it?" I asked with chattering +teeth.</p> + +<p>"No! <i>No!</i> It was as big as a Pullman car! It must have been a falling +star. Did you ever hear of a fish as big as a sleeping car?"</p> + +<p>I was too thoroughly unnerved to reply. The roaring of the surf had +subsided somewhat, enough for another sound to reach our ears—a raucous, +gallinacious, squawking sound.</p> + +<p>I sprang up and looked at the row of tents. White-robed figures loomed in +front of them. The heavy artillery was evidently frightened.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs150" id="gs150"></a> +<img src="images/gs150.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"The heavy artillery was evidently frightened."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>We went over to them, and when we got nearer they chastely scuttled +into their tents and thrust out a row of heads—heads hideous with +curl-papers.</p> + +<p>"What was that awful noise? An earthquake?" shrilled the Reverend Dr. +Jones. "I think I'll go home."</p> + +<p>"Was it an avalanche?" demanded Mrs. Batt, in a deep and shaky voice. +"Are we in any immediate danger, young man?"</p> + +<p>I said that it was probably a flying-star which had happened to strike +the lake and explode.</p> + +<p>"What an awful region!" wailed Miss Dingleheimer. "I've had my money's +worth. I wish to go back to New York at once. I'll begin to dress +immediately—"</p> + +<p>"It might be a million years before another meteor falls in this +latitude," I said, soothingly.</p> + +<p>"Or it might be ten minutes," sobbed Miss Dingleheimer. "What do <i>you</i> +know about it, anyway! I want to go home. I'm putting on my stockings +now. I'm getting dressed as fast as I can—"</p> + +<p>Her voice was blotted out in a mighty crash from the lake. Appalled, I +whirled on my heel, just in time to see another huge jet of water rise +high in the starlight, another, another, until the entire lake was but +a cluster of gigantic geysers exploding a hundred feet in the air, while +through them, falling back into the smother of furious foam, great +silvery bulks dropped crashing, one after another.</p> + +<p>I don't know how long the incredible vision lasted; the woods roared with +the infernal pandemonium, echoed and re-echoed from mountain to mountain; +the tree-tops fairly stormed spray, driving it in sheets through the +leaves; and the shores of the lake spouted surf long after the last vast, +silvery shape had fallen back again into the water.</p> + +<p>As my senses gradually recovered, I found myself supporting Mrs. Batt on +one arm and the Reverend Dr. Jones upon my bosom. Both had fainted. I +released them with a shudder and turned to look for Brown.</p> + +<p>Somebody had swooned in his arms, too.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs154" id="gs154"></a> +<img src="images/gs154.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Somebody had swooned in his arms, too."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>He was not noticing me, and as I approached him I heard him say something +resembling the word "kitten."</p> + +<p>In spite of my demoralization, another fear seized me, and I drew nearer +and peered closely at what he was holding so nobly in his arms. It was, +as I supposed, Angelica White.</p> + +<p>I don't know whether my arrival occultly revived her, for as I stumbled +over a tent-peg she opened her blue eyes, and then disengaged herself +from Brown's arms.</p> + +<p>"Oh, I am <i>so</i> frightened," she murmured. She looked at me sideways when +she said it.</p> + +<p>"Come," said I coldly to Brown, "let Miss White retire and lie down. This +meteoric shower is over and so is the danger."</p> + +<p>He evinced a desire to further soothe and minister to Miss White, but she +said, with considerable composure, that she was feeling better; and Brown +came unwillingly with me to inspect the heavy artillery lines.</p> + +<p>That formidable battery was wrecked, the pieces dismounted and lying +tumbled about in their emplacements.</p> + +<p>But a vigorous course of cold water in dippers revived them, and we +herded them into one tent and quieted them with some soothing +prevarication, the details of which I have forgotten; but it was +something about a flock of meteors which hit the earth every twelve +billion years, and that it was now all over for another such interim, and +everybody could sleep soundly with the consciousness of having assisted +at a spectacle never before beheld except by a primordial protoplasmic +cell.</p> + +<p>Which flattered them, I think, for, seated once more at the base of our +tree, presently we heard weird noises from the reconcentrados, like the +moaning of the harbour bar.</p> + +<p>They slept, the heavy guns, like unawakened engines of destruction all +a-row in battery. But Brown and I, fearfully excited, still dazed and +bewildered, sat with our fascinated eyes fixed on the lake, asking each +other what in the name of miracles it was that we had witnessed and +heard.</p> + +<p>On one thing we were agreed. A scientific discovery of the most enormous +importance awaited our investigation.</p> + +<p>This was no time for temporising, for deception, for any species of +polite shilly-shallying. We must, on the morrow, tear off our masks and +appear before these misguided and feminine victims of our duplicity in +our own characters as scientists. We must boldly avow our identities and +flatly refuse to stir from this spot until the mystery of this astounding +lake had been thoroughly investigated.</p> + +<p>And so, discussing our policy, our plans for the morrow, and mutually +reassuring each other concerning our common ability to successfully defy +the heavy artillery, we finally fell asleep.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>III</h2> + + +<p>Dawn awoke me, and I sat up in my blanket and aroused Brown.</p> + +<p>No birds were singing. It seemed unusual, and I spoke of it to Brown. +Never have I witnessed such a still, strange daybreak. Mountains, woods, +and water were curiously silent. There was not a sound to be heard, +nothing stirred except the thin veil of vapour over the water, shreds +of which were now parting from the shore and steaming slowly upward.</p> + +<p>There was, it seemed to me, something slightly uncanny about this lake, +even in repose. The water seemed as translucent as a dark crystal, and +as motionless as the surface of a mirror. Nothing stirred its placid +surface, not a ripple, not an insect, not a leaf floating.</p> + +<p>Brown had lugged the pneumatic raft down to the shore where he was now +pumping it full: I followed with the paddles, pole, and hydroscope. When +the raft had been pumped up and was afloat, we carried the reel of +gossamer piano-wire aboard, followed it, pushed off, and paddled quietly +through the level cobwebs of mist toward the centre of the lake. From +the shore I heard a gruesome noise. It originated under one of the row of +tents of the heavy artillery. Medusa, snoring, was an awesome sound in +that wilderness and solitude of dawn.</p> + +<p>I was unscrewing the centre-plug from the raft and screwing into the +empty socket the lens of the hydroscope and attaching the battery, while +Brown started his sounding; and I was still busy when an exclamation from +my companion started me:</p> + +<p>"We're breaking some records! Do you know it, Smith?"</p> + +<p>"Where is the lead?"</p> + +<p>"Three hundred fathoms and still running!"</p> + +<p>"Nonsense!"</p> + +<p>"Look at it yourself! It goes on unreeling: I've put the drag on. Hurry +and adjust the hydroscope!"</p> + +<p>I sighted the powerful instrument for two thousand feet, altering it from +minute to minute as Brown excitedly announced the amazing depth of the +lake. When he called out four thousand feet, I stared at him.</p> + +<p>"There's something wrong—" I began.</p> + +<p>"There's <i>nothing</i> wrong!" he interrupted. "Four thousand five hundred! +Five thousand! Five thousand five hundred—"</p> + +<p>"Are you squatting there and trying to tell me that this lake is over a +mile deep!"</p> + +<p>"Look for yourself!" he said in an unsteady voice. "Here is the tape! You +can read, can't you? Six thousand feet—and running evenly. Six thousand +five hundred!... Seven thousand! Seven thousand five—"</p> + +<p>"It <i>can't</i> be!" I protested.</p> + +<p>But it was true. Astounded, I continued to adjust the hydroscope to a +range incredible, turning the screw to focus at a mile and a half, at two +miles, at two and a quarter, a half, three-quarters, three miles, three +miles and a quarter—click!</p> + +<p>"Good Heavens!" he whispered. "This lake is three miles and a quarter +deep!"</p> + +<p>Mechanically I set the lachet, screwed the hood firm, drew out the black +eye-mask, locked it, then, kneeling on the raft I rested my face in the +mask, felt for the lever, and switched on the electric light.</p> + +<p>Quicker than thought the solid lance of dazzling light plunged down +through profundity, and the vast abyss of water was revealed along its +pathway.</p> + +<p>Nothing moved in those tremendous depths except, nearly two miles below, +a few spots of tinsel glittered and drifted like flakes of mica.</p> + +<p>At first I scarcely noticed them, supposing them to be vast beds of +silvery bottom sand glittering under the electric pencil of the +hydroscope. But presently it occurred to me that these brilliant specks +in motion were not on the bottom—were a little less than two miles deep, +and therefore suspended.</p> + +<p>To be seen at all, at two miles' depth, whatever they were they must have +considerable bulk.</p> + +<p>"Do you see anything?" demanded Brown.</p> + +<p>"Some silvery specks at a depth of two miles."</p> + +<p>"What do they look like?"</p> + +<p>"Specks."</p> + +<p>"Are they in motion?"</p> + +<p>"They seem to be."</p> + +<p>"Do they come any nearer?"</p> + +<p>After a while I answered:</p> + +<p>"One of the specks seems to be growing larger.... I believe it is +in motion and is floating slowly upward.... It's certainly getting +bigger.... It's getting longer."</p> + +<p>"Is it a fish?"</p> + +<p>"It can't be."</p> + +<p>"Why not?"</p> + +<p>"It's impossible. Fish don't attain the size of whales in mountain +ponds."</p> + +<p>There was a silence. After an interval I said:</p> + +<p>"Brown, I don't know what to make of that thing."</p> + +<p>"Is it coming any nearer?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"What does it look like now?"</p> + +<p>"It <i>looks</i> like a fish. But it can't be. It looks like a tiny, silver +minnow. But it can't be. Why, if it resembles a minnow in size at this +distance—what can be its actual dimensions?"</p> + +<p>"Let me look," he said.</p> + +<p>Unwillingly I raised my head from the mask and yielded him my place.</p> + +<p>A long silence followed. The western mountain-tops reddened under the +rising sun; the sky grew faintly bluer. Yet, there was not a bird-note in +that still place, not a flash of wings, nothing stirring.</p> + +<p>Here and there along the lake shore I noticed unusual-looking trees—very +odd-looking trees indeed, for their trunks seemed bleached and dead, and +as though no bark covered them, yet every stark limb was covered with +foliage—a thick foliage so dark in colour that it seemed black to me.</p> + +<p>I glanced at my motionless companion where he knelt with his face in the +mask, then I unslung my field-glasses and focussed them on the nearest of +the curious trees.</p> + +<p>At first I could not quite make out what I was looking at; then, to my +astonishment, I saw that these stark, gray trees were indeed lifeless, +and that what I had mistaken for dark foliage were velvety clusters of +bats hanging there asleep—thousands of them thickly infesting and +clotting the dead branches with a sombre and horrid effect of foliage.</p> + +<p>I don't mind bats in ordinary numbers. But in such soft, motionless +masses they slightly sickened me. There must have been literally tons +of them hanging to the dead trees.</p> + +<p>"This is pleasant," I said. "Look at those bats, Brown."</p> + +<p>When Brown spoke without lifting his head, his voice was so shaken, so +altered, that the mere sound of it scared me:</p> + +<p>"Smith," he said, "there is a fish in here, shaped exactly like a brook +minnow. And I should judge, by the depth it is swimming in, that it is +about as long as an ordinary Pullman car."</p> + +<p>His voice shook, but his words were calm to the point of commonplace. +Which made the effect of his statement all the more terrific.</p> + +<p>"A—a <i>minnow</i>—as big as a Pullman car?" I repeated, dazed.</p> + +<p>"Larger, I think.... It looks to me through the hydroscope, at +this distance, exactly like a tiny, silvery minnow. It's half a mile +down.... Swimming about.... I can see its eyes; they must be about ten +feet in diameter. I can see its fins moving. And there are about a dozen +others, much deeper, swimming around.... This is easily the most +overwhelming contribution made to science since the discovery of the +purple-spotted dingle-bock, <i>Bukkus dinglii</i>.... We've got to catch one +of those gigantic fish!"</p> + +<p>"How?" I gasped. "How are we going to catch a minnow as large as a +sleeping car?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know, but we've got to do it. We've got to manage it, somehow."</p> + +<p>"It would require a steel cable to hold such a fish and a donkey engine +to reel him in! And what about a hook? And if we had hook, line, +steam-winch, and everything else, <i>what</i> about bait?"</p> + +<p>He knelt for some time longer, watching the fish, before he resigned the +hydroscope to me. Then I watched it; but it came no nearer, seeming +contented to swim about at the depth of a little more than half a mile. +Deep under this fish I could see others glittering as they sailed or +darted to and fro.</p> + +<p>Presently I raised my head and sat thinking. The sun now gilded the +water; a little breeze ruffled it here and there where dainty cat's-paws +played over the surface.</p> + +<p>"What on earth do you suppose those gigantic fish feed on?" asked Brown +under his breath.</p> + +<p>I thought a moment longer, then it came to me in a flash of +understanding, and I pointed at the dead trees.</p> + +<p>"Bats!" I muttered. "They feed on bats as other fish feed on the little, +gauzy-winged flies which dance over ponds! You saw those bats flying over +the pond last night, didn't you? That explains the whole thing! Don't you +understand? Why, what we saw were these gigantic fish leaping like trout +after the bats. It was their feeding time!"</p> + +<p>I do not imagine that two more excited scientists ever existed than Brown +and I. The joy of discovery transfigured us. Here we had discovered a +lake in the Thunder Mountains which was the deepest lake in the world; +and it was inhabited by a few gigantic fish of the minnow species, the +existence of which, hitherto, had never even been dreamed of by science.</p> + +<p>"Kitten," I said, my voice broken by emotion, "which will you have named +after you, the lake or the fish? Shall it be Lake Kitten Brown, or shall +it be <i>Minnius kittenii</i>? Speak!"</p> + +<p>"What about that old party whose name you said had already been given to +the lake?" he asked piteously.</p> + +<p>"Who? Mrs. Batt? Do you think I'd name such an important lake after +<i>her</i>? Anyway, she has declined the honour."</p> + +<p>"Very well," he said, "I'll accept it. And the fish shall be known as +<i>Minnius Smithii</i>!"</p> + +<p>Too deeply moved to speak, we bent over and shook hands with each other. +In that solemn and holy moment, surcharged with ecstatic emotion, a deep, +distant reverberation came across the water to our ears. It was the heavy +artillery, snoring.</p> + +<p>Never can I forget that scene; sunshine glittering on the pond, the +silent forests and towering peaks, the blue sky overhead, the dead trees +where thousands of bats hung in nauseating clusters, thicker than the +leaves in Valembrosa—and Kitten Brown and I, cross-legged upon our +pneumatic raft, hands clasped in pledge of deathless devotion to science +and a fraternity unending.</p> + +<p>"And how about that girl?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"What girl?"</p> + +<p>"Angelica White?"</p> + +<p>"Well," said I, "<i>what</i> about her?"</p> + +<p>"Does she go with the lake or with the fish?"</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" I asked coldly, withdrawing my hand from his clasp.</p> + +<p>"I mean, which of us gets the first chance to win her?" he said, +blushing. "There's no use denying that we both have been bowled over +by her; is there?"</p> + +<p>I pondered for several moments.</p> + +<p>"She is an extremely intelligent girl," I said, stalling.</p> + +<p>"Yes, and then some."</p> + +<p>After a few minutes' further thought, I said:</p> + +<p>"Possibly I am in error, but at moments it has seemed to me that my +marked attentions to Miss White are not wholly displeasing to her. I may +be mistaken—"</p> + +<p>"I think you are, Smith."</p> + +<p>"Why?"</p> + +<p>"Because—well, because I seem to think so."</p> + +<p>I said coldly:</p> + +<p>"Because she happened to faint away in your arms last night is no symptom +that she prefers you. Is it?"</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Then why do you seem to think that tactful, delicate, and assiduous +attentions on my part may prove not entirely unwelcome to this unusually +intelligent—"</p> + +<p>"Smith!"</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Miss White is not only a trained nurse, but she also is about to receive +her diploma as a physician."</p> + +<p>"How do you know?"</p> + +<p>"She told me."</p> + +<p>"When?"</p> + +<p>"When you were building the fire last night. Also, she informed me that +she had relentlessly dedicated herself to a eugenic marriage."</p> + +<p>"When did she tell you <i>that</i>?"</p> + +<p>"While you were bringing in a bucket of water from the lake last night. +And furthermore, she told me that <i>I</i> was perfectly suited for a eugenic +marriage."</p> + +<p>"<i>When</i> did she tell you <i>that</i>?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"When she had—fainted—in my arms."</p> + +<p>"How the devil did she come to say a thing like that?"</p> + +<p>He became conspicuously red about the ears:</p> + +<p>"Well, I had just told her that I had fallen in love with her—"</p> + +<p>"Damn!" I said. And that's all I said; and seizing a paddle I made +furiously for shore. Behind me I heard the whirr of the piano wire as +Brown started the electric reel. Later I heard him clamping the hood on +the hydroscope; but I was too disgusted for any further words, and I dug +away at the water with my paddle.</p> + +<p>In various and weird stages of morning déshabillé the heavy artillery +came down to the shore for morning ablutions, all a-row like a file of +ducks.</p> + +<p>They glared at me as I leaped ashore:</p> + +<p>"I want my breakfast!" snapped Mrs. Batt. "Do you hear what I say, guide? +And I don't wish to be kept waiting for it either! I desire to get out of +this place as soon as possible."</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry," I said, "but I intend to stay here for some time."</p> + +<p>"What!" bawled the heavy artillery in booming unison.</p> + +<p>But my temper had been sorely tried, and I was in a mood to tell the +truth and make short work of it, too.</p> + +<p>"Ladies," I said, "I'll not mince matters. Mr. Brown and I are not +guides; we are scientists from Bronx Park, and we don't know a bally +thing about this wilderness we're in!"</p> + +<p>"Swindler!" shouted Mrs. Batt, in an enraged voice. "I knew very well +that the United States Government would never have named that puddle of +water after <i>me</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Don't worry, madam! I've named it after Mr. Brown. And the new species +of gigantic fish which I discovered in this lake I have named after +myself. As for leaving this spot until I have concluded my scientific +study of these fish, I simply won't. I intend to observe their habits and +to capture one of them if it requires the remainder of my natural life to +do so. I shall be sorry to detain you here during such a period, but it +can't be helped. And now you know what the situation is, and you are at +liberty to think it over after you have washed your countenances in Lake +Kitten Brown."</p> + +<p>Rage possessed the heavy artillery, and a fury indescribable seized them +when they discovered that Indians had raided their half ton of feminine +perquisites. I went up a tree.</p> + +<p>When the tumult had calmed sufficiently for them to distinguish what I +said, I made a speech to them. From the higher branches of a neighboring +tree Kitten Brown applauded and cried, "Hear! Hear!"</p> + +<p>"Ladies," I said, "you know the worst, now. If you keep me up this tree +and starve me to death it will be murder. Also, you don't know enough to +get out of these forests, but I can guide you back the way you came. I'll +do it if you cease your dangerous demonstrations and permit Mr. Brown and +myself to remain here and study these giant fish for a week or two."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs170" id="gs170"></a> +<img src="images/gs170.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death +it will be murder.'"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<p>They now seemed disposed to consider the idea. There was nothing else for +them to do. So after an hour or two, Brown and I ventured to descend from +our trees, and we went among them to placate them and ingratiate +ourselves as best we might.</p> + +<p>"Think," I argued, "what a matchless opportunity for you to be among the +first discoverers of a totally new and undescribed species of giant fish! +Think what a legacy it will be to leave such a record to posterity! Think +how proud and happy your descendants will be to know that their ancestors +assisted at the discovery of <i>Minnius Smithii</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Why can't they be named after <i>me</i>?" demanded Mrs. Batt.</p> + +<p>"Because," I explained patiently, "they have already been named after +<i>me</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Couldn't <i>something</i> be named after me?" inquired that fearsome lady.</p> + +<p>"The bats," suggested Brown politely, "we could name a bat after you with +pleasure—"</p> + +<p>I thought for a moment she meant to swing on him. He thought so, too, and +ducked.</p> + +<p>"A bat!" she shouted. "Name a <i>bat</i> after <i>me</i>!"</p> + +<p>"Many a celebrated scientist has been honoured by having his name +conferred upon humbler fauna," I explained.</p> + +<p>But she remained dangerous, so I went and built the fire, and squatted +there, frying bacon, while on the other side of the fire, sitting side +by side, Kitten Brown and Angelica White gazed upon each other with +enraptured eyes. It was slightly sickening—but let that pass. I was +beginning to understand that science is a jealous mistress and that any +contemplated infidelity of mine stood every chance of being squelched. +No; evidently I had not been fashioned for the joys of legal domesticity. +Science, the wanton jade, had not yet finished her dance with me. +Apparently my maxixe with her was to be external. <i>Fides servanda est.</i></p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>That afternoon the heavy artillery held a council of war, and evidently +came to a conclusion to make the best of the situation, for toward +sundown they accosted me with a request for the raft, explaining that +they desired to picnic aboard and afterward row about the lake and +indulge in song.</p> + +<p>So Brown and I put aboard the craft a substantial cold supper; and the +heavy artillery embarked, taking aboard a guitar to be worked by Miss +Dingleheimer, and knitting for the others.</p> + +<p>It was a lovely evening. Brown and I had been discussing a plan to +dynamite the lake and stun the fish, that method appealing to us as the +only possible way to secure a specimen of the stupendous minnows which +inhabited the depths. In fact, it was our only hope of possessing one of +these creatures—fishing with a donkey engine, steel cable, and a hook +baited with a bat being too uncertain and far more laborious and +expensive.</p> + +<p>I was still smoking my pipe, seated at the foot of the big pine-tree, +watching the water turn from gold to pink: Brown sat higher up the slope, +his arm around Angelica White. I carefully kept my back toward them.</p> + +<p>On the lake the heavy artillery were revelling loudly, banqueting, +singing, strumming the guitar, and trailing their hands overboard across +the sunset-tinted water.</p> + +<p>I was thinking of nothing in particular as I now remember, except that I +noticed the bats beginning to flit over the lake; when Brown called to me +from the slope above, asking whether it was perfectly safe for the heavy +artillery to remain out so late.</p> + +<p>"Why?" I demanded.</p> + +<p>"Suppose," he shouted, "that those fish should begin to jump and feed on +the bats again?"</p> + +<p>I had never thought of that.</p> + +<p>I rose and hurried nervously down to the shore, and, making a megaphone +of my hands, I shouted:</p> + +<p>"Come in! It isn't safe to remain out any longer!"</p> + +<p>Scornful laughter from the artillery answered my appeal.</p> + +<p>"You'd better come in!" I called. "You can't tell what might happen if +any of those fish should jump."</p> + +<p>"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Batt. "We've had enough of your +prevarications—"</p> + +<p>Then, suddenly, without the faintest shadow of warning, from the centre +of the lake a vast geyser of water towered a hundred feet in the air.</p> + +<p>For one dreadful second I saw the raft hurled skyward, balanced on the +crest of the stupendous fountain, spilling ladies, supper, guitars, and +knitting in every direction.</p> + +<p>Then a horrible thing occurred; fish after fish shot up out of the storm +of water and foam, seizing, as they fell, ladies, luncheon, and knitting +in mid-air, falling back with a crashing shock which seemed to rock the +very mountains.</p> + +<p>"Help!" I screamed. And fainted dead away.</p> + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col03" id="col03"></a> +<img src="images/col03.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Then a horrible thing occurred."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + + + +<p>Is it necessary to proceed? Literature nods; Science shakes her head. No, +nothing but literature lies beyond the ripples which splashed musically +upon the shore, terminating forever the last vibration from that +immeasurable catastrophe.</p> + +<p>Why should I go on? The newspapers of the nation have recorded the last +scenes of the tragedy.</p> + +<p>We know that tons of dynamite are being forwarded to that solitary lake. +We know that it is the determination of the Government to rid the world +of those gigantic minnows.</p> + +<p>And yet, somehow, it seems to me as I sit writing here in my office, amid +the verdure of Bronx Park, that the destruction of these enormous fish is +a mistake.</p> + +<p>What more splendid sarcophagus could the ladies of the lake desire than +these huge, silvery, itinerant and living tombs?</p> + +<p>What reward more sumptuous could anybody wish for than to rest at last +within the interior dimness of an absolutely new species of anything?</p> + +<p>For me, such a final repose as this would represent the highest pinnacle +of sublimity, the uttermost zenith of mortal dignity.</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>So what more is there for me to say?</p> + +<p>As for Angelica—but no matter. I hope she may be comparatively happy +with Kitten Brown. Yet, as I have said before, handsome men never last. +But she should have thought of that in time.</p> + +<p>I absolve myself of all responsibility. She had her chance.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ONE_OVER" id="ONE_OVER"></a>ONE OVER</h2> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs182.jpg"><img src="images/gs182.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>I</h2> + + +<p>Professor Farrago had remarked to me that morning:</p> + +<p>"The city of New York always reminds me of a slovenly, fat woman with her +dress unbuttoned behind."</p> + +<p>I nodded.</p> + +<p>"New York's architecture," said I, "—or what popularly passes for +it—is all in front. The minute you get to the rear a pitiable condition +is exposed."</p> + +<p>He said: "Professor Jane Bottomly is all façade; the remainder of her is +merely an occiputal backyard full of theoretical tin cans and broken +bottles. I think we all had better resign."</p> + +<p>It was a fearsome description. I trembled as I lighted an inexpensive +cigar.</p> + +<p>The sentimental feminist movement in America was clearly at the bottom of +the Bottomly affair.</p> + +<p>Long ago, in a reactionary burst of hysteria, the North enfranchised the +Ethiopian. In a similar sentimental explosion of dementia, some sixty +years later, the United States wept violently over the immemorial wrongs +perpetrated upon the restless sex, opened the front and back doors of +opportunity, and sobbed out, "Go to it, ladies!"</p> + +<p>They are still going.</p> + +<p>Professor Jane Bottomly was wished on us out of a pleasant April sky. She +fell like a meteoric mass of molten metal upon the Bronx Park Zoölogical +Society splashing her excoriating personality over everybody until +everybody writhed.</p> + +<p>I had not yet seen the lady. I did not care to. Sooner or later I'd be +obliged to meet her but I was not impatient.</p> + +<p>Now the Field Expeditionary Force of the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society +is, perhaps, the most important arm of the service. Professor Bottomly +had just been appointed official head of all field work. Why? Nobody +knew. It is true that she had written several combination nature and love +romances. In these popular volumes trees, flowers, butterflies, birds, +animals, dialect, sobs, and sun-bonnets were stirred up together into a +saccharine mess eagerly gulped down by a provincial reading public, which +immediately protruded its tongue for more.</p> + +<p>The news of her impending arrival among us was an awful blow to everybody +at the Bronx. Professor Farrago fainted in the arms of his pretty +stenographer; Professor Cornelius Lezard of the Batrachian Department ran +around his desk all day long in narrowing circles and was discovered on +his stomach still feebly squirming like an expiring top; Dr. Hans Fooss, +our beloved Professor of Pachydermatology sat for hours weeping into his +noodle soup. As for me, I was both furious and frightened, for, within +the hearing of several people, Professor Bottomly had remarked in a very +clear voice to her new assistant, Dr. Daisy Delmour, that she intended to +get rid of me for the good of the Bronx because of my reputation for +indiscreet gallantry among the feminine employees of the Bronx Society.</p> + +<p>Professor Lezard overhead that outrageous remark and he hastened to +repeat it to me.</p> + +<p>I was lunching at the time in my private office in the Administration +Building with Dr. Hans Fooss—he and I being too busy dissecting an +unusually fine specimen of Dingue to go to the Rolling Stone Inn for +luncheon—when Professor Lezard rushed in with the scandalous libel still +sizzling in his ears.</p> + +<p>"Everybody heard her say it!" he went on, wringing his hands. "It was a +most unfortunate thing for anybody to say about you before all those +young ladies. Every stenographer and typewriter there turned pale and +then red."</p> + +<p>"What!" I exclaimed, conscious that my own ears were growing large and +hot. "Did that outrageous woman have the bad taste to say such a thing +before all those sensitive girls!"</p> + +<p>"She did. She glared at them when she said it. Several blondes and one +brunette began to cry."</p> + +<p>"I hope," said I, a trifle tremulously, "that no typewriter so far forgot +herself as to admit noticing playfulness on my part."</p> + +<p>"They all were tearfully unanimous in declaring you to be a perfect +gentleman!"</p> + +<p>"I am," I said. "I am also a married man—irrevocably wedded to science. +I desire no other spouse. I am ineligible; and everybody knows it. If at +times a purely scientific curiosity leads me into a detached and +impersonally psychological investigation of certain—ah—feminine +idiosyncrasies—"</p> + +<p>"Certainly," said Lezard. "To investigate the feminine is more than a +science; it is a duty!"</p> + +<p>"Of a surety!" nodded Dr. Fooss.</p> + +<p>I looked proudly upon my two loyal friends and bit into my cheese +sandwich. Only men know men. A jury of my peers had exonerated me. What +did I care for Professor Bottomly!</p> + +<p>"All the same," added Lezard, "you'd better be careful or Professor +Bottomly will put one over on you yet."</p> + +<p>"I am always careful," I said with dignity.</p> + +<p>"All men should be. It is the only protection of a defenseless coast +line," nodded Lezard.</p> + +<p>"Und neffer, neffer commid nodding to paper," added Dr. Fooss. "Don'd +neffer write it, 'I lofe you like I was going to blow up alretty!' Ach, +nein! Don'd you write down somedings. Effery man he iss entitled to +protection; und so iss it he iss protected."</p> + +<p>Stein in hand he beamed upon us benevolently over his knifeful of +sauerfisch, then he fed himself and rammed it down with a hearty draught +of Pilsner. We gazed with reverence upon Kultur as embodied in this great +Teuton.</p> + +<p>"That woman," remarked Lezard to me, "certainly means to get rid of you. +It seems to me that there are only two possible ways for you to hold down +your job at the Bronx. You know it, don't you?"</p> + +<p>I nodded. "Yes," I said; "either I must pay marked masculine attention to +Professor Bottomly or I must manage to put one over on her."</p> + +<p>"Of course," said Lezard, "the first method is the easier for <i>you</i>—"</p> + +<p>"Not for a minute!" I said, hastily; "I simply couldn't become frolicsome +with her. You say she's got a voice like a drill-sergeant and she +goose-steps when she walks; and I don't mind admitting she has me badly +scared already. No; she must be scientifically ruined. It is the only +method which makes her elimination certain."</p> + +<p>"But if her popular nature books didn't ruin her scientifically, how can +we hope to lead her astray?" inquired Lezard.</p> + +<p>"There is," I said, thoughtfully, "only one thing that can really ruin a +scientist. Ridicule! I have braved it many a time, taking my scientific +life in my hands in pursuit of unknown specimens which might have proved +only imaginary. Public ridicule would have ended my scientific career in +such an event. I know of no better way to end Professor Bottomly's +scientific career and capability for mischief than to start her out after +something which doesn't exist, inform the newspapers, and let her suffer +the agonising consequences."</p> + +<p>Dr. Fooss began to shout:</p> + +<p>"The idea iss schön! colossal! prachtvol! ausgezeichnet! wunderbar! +wunderschön! gemütlich—" A large, tough noodle checked him. While he +labored with Teutonic imperturbability to master it Lezard and I +exchanged suggestions regarding the proposed annihilation of this +fearsome woman who had come ravening among us amid the peaceful and +soporific environment of Bronx Park.</p> + +<p>It was a dreadful thing for us to have our balmy Lotus-eaters' paradise +so startlingly invaded by a large, loquacious, loud-voiced lady who had +already stirred us all out of our agreeable, traditional and leisurely +inertia. Inertia begets cogitation, and cogitation begets ideas, and +ideas beget reflexion, and profound reflexion is the fundamental +cornerstone of that immortal temple in which the goddess Science sits +asleep between her dozing sisters, Custom and Religion.</p> + +<p>This thought seemed to me so unusually beautiful that I wrote it with a +pencil upon my cuff.</p> + +<p>While I was writing it, quietly happy in the deep pleasure that my +intellectual allegory afforded me, Dr. Fooss swabbed the last morsel of +nourishment from his plate with a wad of rye bread, then bolting the +bread and wiping his beard with his fingers and his fingers on his +waistcoat, he made several guttural observations too profoundly German +to be immediately intelligible, and lighted his porcelain pipe.</p> + +<p>"Ach wass!" he remarked in ruminative fashion. "Dot Frauenzimmer she iss +to raise hell alretty determined. Von Pachydermatology she knows nodding. +Maybe she leaves me alone, maybe it is to be 'raus mit me. I' weis' ni'! +It iss aber besser one over on dat lady to put, yess?"</p> + +<p>"It certainly is advisable," replied Lezard.</p> + +<p>"Let us try to think of something sufficiently disastrous to terminate +her scientific career," said I. And I bowed my rather striking head and +rested the point of my forefinger upon my forehead. Thought crystallises +more quickly for me when I assume this attitude.</p> + +<p>Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lezard fold his arms and sit frowning +at infinity.</p> + +<p>Dr. Fooss lay back in a big, deeply padded armchair and closed his +prominent eyes. His pipe went out presently, and now and then he made +long-drawn nasal remarks, in German, too complicated for either Lezard or +for me to entirely comprehend.</p> + +<p>"We must try to get her as far away from here as possible," mused Lezard. +"Is Oyster Bay <i>too</i> far and too cruel?"</p> + +<p>I pondered darkly upon the suggestion. But it seemed unpleasantly like +murder.</p> + +<p>"Lezard," said I, "come, let us reason together. Now <i>what</i> is woman's +besetting emotion?"</p> + +<p>"Curiosity?"</p> + +<p>"Very well; assuming that to be true, what—ah—quality particularly +characterizes woman when so beset."</p> + +<p>"Ruthless determination."</p> + +<p>"Then," said I, "we ought to begin my exciting the curiosity of Professor +Bottomly; and her ruthless determination to satisfy that curiosity should +logically follow."</p> + +<p>"How," he asked, "are we to arouse her curiosity?"</p> + +<p>"By pretending that we have knowledge of something hitherto undiscovered, +the discovery of which would redound to our scientific glory."</p> + +<p>"I see. She'd want the glory for herself. She'd swipe it."</p> + +<p>"She would," said I.</p> + +<p>"Tee—hee!" he giggled; "Wouldn't it be funny to plant something phony on +her—"</p> + +<p>I waved my arms rather gracefully in my excitement:</p> + +<p>"That is the germ of an idea!" I said. "If we could plant +something—something—far away from here—very far away—if we could +bury something—like the Cardiff Giant—"</p> + +<p>"Hundreds and hundreds of miles away!"</p> + +<p>"Thousands!" I insisted, enthusiastically.</p> + +<p>"Tee-hee! In Tasmania, for example! Maybe a Tasmanian Devil might acquire +her!"</p> + +<p>"There exists a gnat," said I, "in Borneo—<i>Gnatus soporificus</i>—and +when this tiny gnat stings people they never entirely wake up. It's +really rather a pleasurable catastrophe, I understand. Life becomes +one endless cat-nap—one delightful siesta, with intervals for light +nourishment.... She—ah—could sit very comfortably in some pleasant +retreat and rock in a rocking-chair and doze quite happily through the +years to come.... And from your description of her I should say that +the Soldiers' Home might receive her."</p> + +<p>"It won't do," he said, gloomily.</p> + +<p>"Why? Is it too much like crime?"</p> + +<p>"Oh not at all. Only if she went to Borneo she'd be sure to take a +mosquito-bar with her."</p> + +<p>In the depressed silence which ensued Dr. Fooss suddenly made several +Futurist observations through his nose with monotonous but authoritative +regularity. I tried to catch his meaning and his eye. The one remained +cryptic, the other shut.</p> + +<p>Lezard sat thinking very hard. And as I fidgetted in my chair, fiddling +nervously with various objects lying on my desk I chanced to pick up a +letter from the pile of still unopened mail at my elbow.</p> + +<p>Still pondering on Professor Bottomly's proposed destruction, I turned +the letter over idly and my preoccupied gaze rested on the postmark. +After a moment I leaned forward and examined it more attentively. The +letter directed to me was postmarked Fort Carcajou, Cook's Peninsula, +Baffin Land; and now I recalled the handwriting, having already seen it +three or four times within the last month or so.</p> + +<p>"Lezard," I said, "that lunatic trapper from Baffin Land has written to +me again. What do you suppose is the matter with him? Is he just plain +crazy or does he think he can be funny with me?"</p> + +<p>Lezard gazed at me absently. Then, all at once a gleam of savage interest +lighted his somewhat solemn features.</p> + +<p>"Read the letter to me," he said, with an evil smile which instantly +animated my own latent imagination. And immediately it occurred to me +that perhaps, in the humble letter from the wilds of Baffin Land, which I +was now opening with eager and unsteady fingers, might lie concealed the +professional undoing of Professor Jane Bottomly, and the only hope of my +own ultimate and scientific salvation.</p> + +<p>The room became hideously still as I unfolded the pencil-scrawled sheets +of cheap, ruled letter paper.</p> + +<p>Dr. Fooss opened his eyes, looked at me, made porcine sounds indicative +of personal well-being, relighted his pipe, and disposed himself to +listen. But just as I was about to begin, Lezard suddenly laid his +forefinger across his lips conjuring us to densest silence.</p> + +<p>For a moment or two I heard nothing except the buzzing of flies. Then +I stole a startled glance at my door. It was opening slowly, almost +imperceptibly.</p> + +<p>But it did not open very far—just a crack remained. Then, listening with +all our might, we heard the cautiously suppressed breathing of somebody +in the hallway just outside of my door.</p> + +<p>Lezard turned and cast at me a glance of horrified intelligence. In dumb +pantomime he outlined in the air, with one hand, the large and feminine +amplification of his own person, conveying to us the certainty of his +suspicions concerning the unseen eavesdropper.</p> + +<p>We nodded. We understood perfectly that <i>she</i> was out there prepared to +listen to every word we uttered.</p> + +<p>A flicker of ferocious joy disturbed Lezard's otherwise innocuous +features; he winked horribly at Dr. Fooss and at me, and uttered a faint +click with his teeth and tongue like the snap of a closing trap.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," he said, in the guarded yet excited voice of a man who is +confident of not being overheard, "the matter under discussion admits of +only one interpretation: a discovery—perhaps the most vitally important +discovery of all the centuries—is imminent.</p> + +<p>"Secrecy is imperative; the scientific glory is to be shared by us alone, +and there is enough of glory to go around.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Chairman, I move that epoch-making letter be read aloud!"</p> + +<p>"I second dot motion!" said Dr. Fooss, winking so violently at me that +his glasses wabbled.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said I, "it has been moved and seconded that this +epoch-making letter be read aloud. All those in favor will kindly +say 'aye.'"</p> + +<p>"Aye! Aye!" they exclaimed, fairly wriggling in their furtive joy.</p> + +<p>"The contrary-minded will kindly emit the usual negation," I went +on.... "It seems to be carried.... It <i>is</i> carried. The chairman will +proceed to the reading of the epoch-making letter."</p> + +<p>I quietly lighted a five-cent cigar, unfolded the letter and read aloud:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>"Joneses Shack,</p> + +<p>Golden Glacier, +Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land,</p> + +<p>March 15, 1915.</p> + +<p>"Professor, Dear Sir:</p> + +<p>"I already wrote you three times no answer having been rec'd perhaps +you think I'm kiddin' you're a dam' liar I ain't.</p> + +<p>"Hoping to tempt you to come I will hereby tell you more'n I told you +in my other letters, the terminal moraine of this here Golden Glacier +finishes into a marsh, nothing to see for miles excep' frozen tussock +and mud and all flat as hell for fifty miles which is where I am +trappin' it for mink and otter and now ready to go back to Fort +Carcajou. i told you what I seen stickin' in under this here marsh, +where anything sticks out the wolves have eat it, but most of them +there ellerphants is in under the ice and mud too far for the wolves to +git 'em.</p> + +<p>"i ain't kiddin' you, there is a whole herd of furry ellerphants in the +marsh like as they were stuck there and all lay down and was drownded +like. Some has tusks and some hasn't. Two ellerphants stuck out of the +ice, I eat onto one, the meat was good and sweet and joosy, the damn +wolves eat it up that night, I had cut stakes and rost for three months +though and am eating off it yet.</p> + +<p>"Thinking as how ellerphants and all like that is your graft, I being +a keeper in the Mouse House once in the Bronx and seein' you nosin' +around like you was full of scientific thinks, it comes to me to write +you and put you next.</p> + +<p>"If you say so I'll wait here and help you with them ellerphants. +Livin' wages is all I ask also eleven thousand dollars for tippin' you +wise. I won't tell nobody till I hear from you. I'm hones' you can +trus' me. Write me to Fort Carcajou if you mean bizness. So no more +respectfully,</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">James Skaw</span>."</p></div> + +<p>When I finished reading I cautiously glanced at the door, and, finding it +still on the crack, turned and smiled subtly upon Lezard and Fooss.</p> + +<p>In their slowly spreading grins I saw they agreed with me that somebody, +signing himself James Skaw, was still trying to hoax the Great Zoölogical +Society of Bronx Park.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," I said aloud, injecting innocent enthusiasm into my voice, +"this secret expedition to Baffin Land which we three are about to +organise is destined to be without doubt the most scientifically prolific +field expedition ever organised by man.</p> + +<p>"Imagine an entire herd of mammoths preserved in mud and ice through all +these thousands of years!</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen, no discovery ever made has even remotely approached in +importance the discovery made by this simple, illiterate trapper, James +Skaw."</p> + +<p>"I thought," protested Lezard, "that <i>we</i> are to be announced as the +discoverers."</p> + +<p>"We are," said I, "the discoverers of James Skaw, which makes +us technically the finders of the ice-preserved herd of +mammoths—<i>technically</i>, you understand. A few thousand dollars," +I added, carelessly, "ought to satiate James Skaw."</p> + +<p>"We could name dot glacier after him," suggested Dr. Fooss.</p> + +<p>"Certainly—the Skaw Glacier. That ought to be enough glory for him. It +ought to satisfy him and prevent any indiscreet remarks," nodded Lezard.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said I, "there is only one detail that really troubles me. +Ought we to notify our honoured and respected Chief of Division +concerning this discovery?"</p> + +<p>"Do you mean, should we tell that accomplished and fascinating lady, +Professor Bottomly, about this herd of mammoths?" I asked in a loud, +clear voice. And immediately answered my own question: "No," I said, "no, +dear friends. Professor Bottomly already has too much responsibility +weighing upon her distinguished mind. No, dear brothers in science, we +should steal away unobserved as though setting out upon an ordinary field +expedition. And when we return with fresh and immortal laurels such as no +man before has ever worn, no doubt that our generous-minded Chief of +Division will weave for us further wreaths to crown our brows—the +priceless garlands of professional approval!" And I made a horrible face +at my co-conspirators.</p> + +<p>Before I finished Lezard had taken his own face in his hands for the +purpose of stifling raucous and untimely mirth. As for Dr. Fooss, his +small, porcine eyes snapped and twinkled madly behind his spectacles, but +he seemed rather inclined to approve my flowers of rhetoric.</p> + +<p>"Ja," said he, "so iss it besser oursellufs dot gefrozenss herd von +elephanten to discover, und, by and by, die elephanten bei der Pronx Bark +home yet again once more to bring. We shall therefore much praise thereby +bekommen. Ach wass!"</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said I, distinctly, "it is decided, then, that we shall say +nothing concerning the true object of this expedition to Professor +Bottomly."</p> + +<p>Lezard and Fooss nodded assent. Then, in the silence, we all strained our +ears to listen. And presently we detected the scarcely heard sound of +cautiously retreating footsteps down the corridor.</p> + +<p>When it was safe to do so I arose and closed my door.</p> + +<p>"I think," said I, with a sort of infernal cheerfulness in my tones, +"that we are about to do something jocose to Jane Bottomly."</p> + +<p>"A few," said Professor Lezard. He rose and silently executed a +complicated ballet-step.</p> + +<p>"I shall laff," said Dr. Fooss, earnestly, "und I shall laff, und I shall +laff—ach Gott how I shall laff my pally head off!"</p> + +<p>I folded my arms and turned romanesquely toward the direction in which +Professor Bottomly had retreated.</p> + +<p>"Viper!" I said. "The Bronx shall nourish you in its bosom no more! Fade +away, Ophidian!"</p> + +<p>The sentiment was applauded by all. There chanced to be in my desk a +bottle marked: "That's all!" On the label somebody had written: "Do it +now!" We did.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>III</h2> + + +<p>It was given out at the Bronx that our field expedition to Baffin +Land was to be undertaken solely for the purpose of bringing back +living specimens of the five-spotted Arctic woodcock—<i>Philohela +quinquemaculata</i>—in order to add to our onomatology and our glossary +of onomatopoeia an ontogenesis of this important but hitherto unstudied +sub-species.</p> + +<p>I trust I make myself clear. Scientific statements should be as clear as +the Spuyten Duyvil. <i>Sola in stagno salus!</i></p> + +<p>But two things immediately occurred which worried us; Professor Bottomly +sent us official notification that she approved our expedition to Baffin +Land, designated the steamer we were to take, and enclosed tickets. That +scared us. Then to add to our perplexity Professor Bottomly disappeared, +leaving Dr. Daisy Delmour in charge of her department during what she +announced might be "a somewhat prolonged absence on business."</p> + +<p>And during the four feverish weeks of our pretended preparations for +Baffin Land not one word did we hear from Jane Bottomly, which caused us +painful inquietude as the hour approached for our departure.</p> + +<p>Was this formidable woman actually intending to let us depart alone +for the Golden Glacier? Was she too lazy to rob us of the secretly +contemplated glory which we had pretended awaited us?</p> + +<p>We had been so absolutely convinced that she would forbid our expedition, +pack us off elsewhere, and take charge herself of an exploring party to +Baffin Land, that, as the time for our leaving drew near we became first +uneasy, and then really alarmed.</p> + +<p>It would be a dreadful jest on us if she made us swallow our own +concoction; if she revealed to our colleagues our pretended knowledge of +the Golden Glacier and James Skaw and the supposedly ice-imbedded herd of +mammoths, and then publicly forced us to investigate this hoax.</p> + +<p>More horrible still would it be if she informed the newspapers and gave +them a hint to make merry over the three wise men of the Bronx who went +to Baffin Land in a boat.</p> + +<p>"<i>What</i> do you suppose that devious and secretive female is up to?" +inquired Lezard who, within the last few days, had grown thin with worry. +"Is it possible that she is sufficiently degraded to suspect us of trying +to put one over on her? Is that what she is now doing to us?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Terminus est</i>—it is the limit!" said I.</p> + +<p>He turned a morbid eye upon me. "She is making a monkey of us. That's +what!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Suspendenda omnia naso</i>," I nodded; "<i>tarde sed tute</i>. When I think +aloud in Latin it means that I am deeply troubled. <i>Suum quemque scelus +agitat.</i> Do you get me, Professor? I'm sorry I attempted to be sportive +with this terrible woman. The curse of my scientific career has been +periodical excesses of frivolity. See where this frolicsome impulse +has landed me!—<i>super abyssum ambulans. Trahit sua quemque voluptas; +transeat in exemplum!</i> She means to let us go to our destruction on this +mammoth frappé affair."</p> + +<p>But Dr. Fooss was optimistic:</p> + +<p>"I tink she iss alretty herselluf by dot Baffin Land ge-gone," he said. +"I tink she has der bait ge-swallowed. Ve vait; ve see; und so iss it ve +know."</p> + +<p>"But why hasn't she stopped our preparations?" I demanded. "If she wants +all the glory herself why does she permit us to incur this expense in +getting ready?"</p> + +<p>"No mans can to know der vorkings of der mental brocess by a +Frauenzimmer," said Dr. Fooss, wagging his head.</p> + +<p>The suspense became nerve-racking; we were obliged to pack our camping +kits; and it began to look as though we would have either to sail the +next morning or to resign from the Bronx Park Zoölogical Society, because +all the evening papers had the story in big type—the details and objects +of the expedition, the discovery of the herd of mammoths in cold storage, +the prompt organization of an expedition to secure this unparalleled +deposit of prehistoric mammalia—everything was there staring at us in +violent print, excepting only the name of the discoverer and the names of +those composing the field expedition.</p> + +<p>"She means to betray us after we have sailed," said Lezard, greatly +depressed. "We might just as well resign now before this hoax explodes +and bespatters us. We can take our chances in vaudeville or as lecturing +professors with the movies."</p> + +<p>I thought so, too, in point of fact we all had gathered in my study to +write out our resignations, when there came a knock at the door and Dr. +Daisy Delmour walked in.</p> + +<p>Oddly enough I had not before met Dr. Delmour personally; only formal +written communications had hitherto passed between us. My idea of her +had doubtless been inspired by the physical and intellectual aberrations +of her chief; I naturally supposed her to be either impossible and +corporeally redundant, or intellectually and otherwise as weazened as +last year's Li-che nut.</p> + +<p>I was criminally mistaken. And why Lezard, who knew her, had never set me +right I could not then understand. I comprehended later.</p> + +<p>For the feminine assistant of Professor Jane Bottomly, who sauntered into +my study and announced herself, had the features of Athene, the smile of +Aphrodite, and the figure of Psyche. I believe I do not exaggerate these +scientific details, although it has been said of me that any pretty girl +distorts my vision and my intellectual balance to the detriment of my +calmer reason and my differentiating ability.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," said Dr. Delmour, while we stood in a respectful semi-circle +before her, modestly conscious of our worth, our toes turned out, and +each man's features wreathed with that politely unnatural smirk which +masculine features assume when confronted by feminine beauty. "Gentlemen, +on the eve of your proposed departure for Baffin Land in quest of living +specimens of the five-spotted <i>Philohela quinquemaculata</i>, I have been +instructed by Professor Bottomly to announce to you a great good fortune +for her, for you, for the Bronx, for America, for the entire civilized +world.</p> + +<p>"It has come to Professor Bottomly's knowledge, recently I believe, that +an entire herd of mammoths lie encased in the mud and ice of the vast +flat marshes which lie south of the terminal moraine of the Golden +Glacier in that part of Baffin Land known as Dr. Cook's Peninsula.</p> + +<p>"The credit of this epoch-making discovery is Professor Bottomly's +entirely. How it happened, she did not inform me. One month ago today she +sailed in great haste for Baffin Land. At this very hour she is doubtless +standing all alone upon the frozen surface of that wondrous marsh, +contemplating with reverence and awe and similar holy emotions the fruits +of her own unsurpassed discovery!"</p> + +<p>Dr. Delmour's lovely features became delicately suffused and transfigured +as she spoke; her exquisite voice thrilled with generous emotion; she +clasped her snowy hands and gazed, enraptured, at the picture of Dr. +Bottomly which her mind was so charmingly evoking.</p> + +<p>"Perhaps," she whispered, "perhaps at this very instant, in the midst of +that vast and flat and solemn desolation the only protuberance visible +for miles and miles is Professor Bottomly. Perhaps the pallid Arctic sun +is setting behind the majestic figure of Professor Bottomly, radiating a +blinding glory to the zenith, illuminating the crowning act of her career +with its unearthly aura!"</p> + +<p>She gazed at us out of dimmed and violet eyes.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen," she said, "I am ordered to take command of this expedition +of yours; I am ordered to sail with you tomorrow morning on the Labrador +and Baffin Line steamer <i>Dr. Cook</i>.</p> + +<p>"The object of your expedition, therefore, is not to be the quest of +<i>Philohela quinquemaculata</i>; your duty now is to corroborate the almost +miraculous discovery of Professor Bottomly, and to disinter for her the +vast herd of frozen mammoths, pack and pickle them, and get them to the +Bronx.</p> + +<p>"Tomorrow's morning papers will have the entire story: the credit and +responsibility for the discovery and the expedition belong to Professor +Bottomly, and will be given to her by the press and the populace of our +great republic.</p> + +<p>"It is her wish that no other names be mentioned. Which is right. To the +discoverer belongs the glory. Therefore, the marsh is to be named +Bottomly's Marsh, and the Glacier, Bottomly's Glacier.</p> + +<p>"Yours and mine is to be the glory of laboring incognito under the +direction of the towering scientific intellect of the age, Professor +Bottomly.</p> + +<p>"And the most precious legacy you can leave your children—if you get +married and have any—is that you once wielded the humble pick and shovel +for Jane Bottomly on the bottomless marsh which bears her name!"</p> + +<hr style='width: 45%;' /> + +<p>After a moment's silence we three men ventured to look sideways at +each other. We had certainly killed Professor Bottomly, scientifically +speaking. The lady was practically dead. The morning papers would +consummate the murder. We didn't know whether we wanted to laugh or not.</p> + +<p>She was now virtually done for; that seemed certain. So greedily had this +egotistical female swallowed the silly bait we offered, so arrogantly had +she planned to eliminate everybody excepting herself from the credit of +the discovery, that there seemed now nothing left for us to do except to +watch her hurdling deliriously toward destruction. <i>Should</i> we burst into +hellish laughter?</p> + +<p>We looked hard at Dr. Delmour and we decided not to—yet.</p> + +<p>Said I: "To assist at the final apotheosis of Professor Bottomly makes us +very, very happy. We are happy to remain incognito, mere ciphers blotted +out by the fierce white light which is about to beat upon Professor +Bottomly, fore and aft. We are happy that our participation in this +astonishing affair shall never be known to science.</p> + +<p>"But, happiest of all are we, dear Dr. Delmour, in the knowledge that +<i>you</i> are to be with us and of us, incognito on this voyage now imminent; +that you are to be our revered and beloved leader.</p> + +<p>"And I, for one, promise you personally the undivided devotion of a man +whose entire and austere career has been dedicated to science—in <i>all</i> +its branches."</p> + +<p>I stepped forward rather gracefully and raised her little hand to my lips +to let her see that even the science of gallantry had not been neglected +by me.</p> + +<p>Dr. Daisy Delmour blushed.</p> + +<p>"Therefore," said I, "considering the fact that our names are not to +figure in this expedition; and, furthermore, in consideration of the fact +that <i>you</i> are going, we shall be very, very happy to accompany you, Dr. +Delmour." I again saluted her hand, and again Dr. Delmour blushed and +looked sideways at Professor Lezard.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>IV</h2> + + +<p>It was, to be accurate, exactly twenty-three days later that our voyage +by sea and land ended one Monday morning upon the gigantic terminal +moraine of the Golden Glacier, Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land.</p> + +<p>Four pack-mules carried our luggage, four more bore our persons; an +arctic dicky-bird sat on a bowlder and said, "Pilly-willy-willy! Tweet! +Tweet!"</p> + +<p>As we rode out to the bowlder-strewn edge of the moraine the rising sun +greeted us cordially, illuminating below us the flat surface of the marsh +which stretched away to the east and south as far as the eye could see.</p> + +<p>So flat was it that we immediately made out the silhouettes of two mules +tethered below us a quarter of a mile away.</p> + +<p>Something about the attitude of these mules arrested our attention, and, +gazing upon them through our field-glasses we beheld Professor Bottomly.</p> + +<p>That resourceful lady had mounted a pneumatic hammock upon the two mules, +their saddles had sockets to fit the legs of the galvanized iron tripod.</p> + +<p>No matter in which way the mules turned, sliding swivels on the hollow +steel frames regulated the hammock slung between them. It was an infernal +invention.</p> + +<p>There lay Jane Bottomly asleep, her black hair drying over the hammock's +edge, gilded to a peroxide lustre by the rays of the rising sun.</p> + +<p>I gazed upon her with a sort of ferocious pity. Her professional days +were numbered. <i>I</i> also had her number!</p> + +<p>"How majestically she slumbers," whispered Dr. Delmour to me, "dreaming, +doubtless, of her approaching triumph."</p> + +<p>Dr. Fooss and Professor Lezard, driving the pack-mules ahead of them, +were already riding out across the marsh.</p> + +<p>"Daisy," I said, leaning from my saddle and taking one of her gloved +hands into mine, "the time has come for me to disillusion you. There are +no mammoths in that mud down there."</p> + +<p>She looked at me in blue-eyed amazement.</p> + +<p>"You are mistaken," she said; "Professor Bottomly is celebrated for the +absolute and painstaking accuracy of her deductions and the boldness and +the imagination of her scientific investigations. She is the most +cautious scientist in America; she would never announce such a discovery +to the newspapers unless she were perfectly certain of its truth."</p> + +<p>I was sorry for this young girl. I pressed her hand because I was sorry +for her. After a few moments of deepest thought I felt so sorry for her +that I kissed her.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs214" id="gs214"></a> +<img src="images/gs214.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + + +<h3>"I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>"You mustn't," said Dr. Delmour, blushing.</p> + +<p>The things we mustn't do are so many that I can't always remember all of +them.</p> + +<p>"Daisy," I said, "shall we pledge ourselves to each other for +eternity—here in the presence of this immemorial glacier which moves a +thousand inches a year—I mean an inch every thousand years—here in +these awful solitudes where incalculable calculations could not enlighten +us concerning the number of cubic tons of mud in that marsh—here in the +presence of these innocent mules—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, look!" exclaimed Dr. Delmour, lifting her flushed cheek from my +shoulder. "There is a man in the hammock with Professor Bottomly!"</p> + +<p>I levelled my field-glasses incredulously. Good Heavens! There <i>was</i> a +man there. He was sitting on the edge of the hammock in a dejected +attitude, his booted legs dangling.</p> + +<p>And, as I gazed, I saw the arm of Professor Bottomly raised as though +groping instinctively for something in her slumber—saw her fingers close +upon the blue-flannel shirt of her companion, saw his timid futile +attempts to elude her, saw him inexorably hauled back and his head +forcibly pillowed upon her ample chest.</p> + +<p>"Daisy!" I faltered, "what does yonder scene of presumable domesticity +mean?"</p> + +<p>"I—I haven't the faintest idea!" she stammered.</p> + +<p>"Is that lady married! Or is this revelry?" I asked, sternly.</p> + +<p>"She wasn't married when she sailed from N-New-York," faltered Dr. +Delmour.</p> + +<p>We rode forward in pained silence, spurring on until we caught up with +Lezard and Fooss and the pack-mules; then we all pressed ahead, a prey, +now, to the deepest moral anxiety and agitation.</p> + +<p>The splashing of our mule's feet on the partly melted surface of the mud +aroused the man as we rode up and he scrambled madly to get out of the +hammock as soon as he saw us.</p> + +<p>A detaining feminine hand reached mechanically for his collar, groped +aimlessly for a moment, and fell across the hammock's edge. Evidently its +owner was too sleepy for effort.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the man who had floundered free from the hammock, leaped +overboard and came hopping stiffly over the slush toward us like a +badly-winged snipe.</p> + +<p>"Who are you?" I demanded, drawing bridle so suddenly that I found myself +astride of my mule's ears. Sliding back into the saddle, I repeated the +challenge haughtily, inwardly cursing my horsemanship.</p> + +<p>He stood balancing his lank six feet six of bony altitude for a few +moments without replying. His large gentle eyes of baby blue were fixed +on me.</p> + +<p>"Speak!" I said. "The reputation of a lady is at stake! Who are you? We +ask, before we shoot you, for purpose of future identification."</p> + +<p>He gazed at me wildly. "I dunno who I be," he replied. "My name <i>was</i> +James Skaw before that there lady went an' changed it on me. She says she +has changed my name to hers. I dunno. All I know is I'm married."</p> + +<p>"<i>Married!</i>" echoed Dr. Delmour.</p> + +<p>He looked dully at the girl, then fixed his large mild eyes on me.</p> + +<p>"A mission priest done it for her a month ago when we was hikin' towards +Fort Carcajou. Hoon-hel are you?" he added.</p> + +<p>I informed him with dignity; he blinked at me, at the others, at the +mules. Then he said with infinite bitterness:</p> + +<p>"You're a fine guy, ain't you, a-wishin' this here lady onto a pore +pelt-hunter what ain't never done nothin' to you!"</p> + +<p>"Who did you say I wished on you?" I demanded, bewildered.</p> + +<p>"That there lady a-sleepin' into the nuptool hammick! You wished her onto +me—yaas you did! Whatnhel have I done to you, hey?"</p> + +<p>We were dumb. He shoved his hand into his pocket, produced a slug of +twist, slowly gnawed off a portion, and buried the remains in his vast +jaw.</p> + +<p>"All I done to you," he said, "was to write you them letters sayin's as +how I found a lot of ellerphants into the mud.</p> + +<p>"What you done to me was to send that there lady here. Was that +gratitood? Man to man I ask you?"</p> + +<p>A loud snore from the hammock startled us all. James Skaw twisted his +neck turkey-like, and looked warily at the hammock, then turning toward +me:</p> + +<p>"Aw," he said, "she don't never wake up till I have breakfast ready."</p> + +<p>"James Skaw," I said, "tell me what has happened. On my word of honor I +don't know."</p> + +<p>He regarded me with lack-lustre eyes.</p> + +<p>"I was a-settin' onto a bowlder," said he, "a-fig-urin' out whether you +was a-comin' or not, when that there lady rides up with her led-mule a +trailin'.</p> + +<p>"Sez she: 'Are you James Skaw?'</p> + +<p>"Yes, marm,' sez I, kinder scared an' puzzled.</p> + +<p>"'Where is them ellerphants?' sez she, reachin' down from her saddle an' +takin' me by the shirt collar, an' beatin' me with her umbrella.</p> + +<p>"Sez I, 'I have wrote to a certain gent that I would show him them +ellerphants for a price. Bein' strictly hones' I can't show 'em to no one +else until I hear from him.'</p> + +<p>"With that she continood to argoo the case with her umbrella, never +lettin' go of my shirt collar. Sir, she argood until dinner time, an' +then she resoomed the debate until I fell asleep. The last I knowed she +was still conversin'.</p> + +<p>"An' so it went next day, all day long, an' the next day. I couldn't +stand it no longer so I started for Fort Carcajau. But she bein' onto a +mule, run me down easy, an' kep' beside me conversin' volooble.</p> + +<p>"Sir, do you know what it is to listen to umbrella argooment every day, +all day long, from sun-up to night-fall? An' then some more?</p> + +<p>"I was loony, I tell you, when we met the mission priest. 'Marry me,' sez +she, 'or I'll talk you to death!' I didn't realise what she was sayin' +an' what I answered. But them words I uttered done the job, it seems.</p> + +<p>"We camped there an' slep' for two days without wakin.' When I waked up +I was convalescent.</p> + +<p>"She was good to me. She made soup an' she wrapped blankets onto me an' +she didn't talk no more until I was well enough to endoor it.</p> + +<p>"An' by'm'by she brooke the nooze to me that we was married an' that she +had went as far as to marry me in the sacred cause of science because man +an' wife is one, an' what I knowed about them ellerphants she now had a +right to know.</p> + +<p>"Sir, she had put one over on me. So bein' strickly hones' I had to show +her where them ellerphants lay froze up under the marsh."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2>V</h2> + + +<p>Where the ambition of this infatuated woman had led her appalled us all. +The personal sacrifice she had made in the name of science awed us.</p> + +<p>Still when I remembered that detaining arm sleepily lifted from the +nuptual hammock, I was not so certain concerning her continued martyrdom.</p> + +<p>I cast an involuntary glance of critical appraisal upon James Skaw. He +had the golden hair and beard of the early Christian martyr. His features +were classically regular; he stood six feet six; he was lean because fit, +sound as a hound's tooth, and really a superb specimen of masculine +health.</p> + +<p>Curry him and trim him and clothe him in evening dress and his physical +appearance would make a sensation at the Court of St. James. Only his +English required manicuring.</p> + +<p>The longer I looked at him the better I comprehended that detaining hand +from the hammock. <i>Fabas indulcet fames</i>.</p> + +<p>Then, with a shock, it rushed over me that there evidently had been some +ground for this man's letters to me concerning a herd of frozen mammoths.</p> + +<p>Professor Bottomly had not only married him to obtain the information but +here she was still camping on the marsh!</p> + +<p>"James Skaw," I said, tremulously, "where are those mammoths?"</p> + +<p>He looked at me, then made a vague gesture:</p> + +<p>"Under the mud—everywhere—all around us."</p> + +<p>"Has <i>she</i> seen them?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I showed her about a hundred. There's one under you. Look! you can +see him through the slush."</p> + +<p>"Ach Gott!" burst from Dr. Fooss, and he tottered in his saddle. Lezard, +frightfully pale, passed a shaking hand over his brow. As for me my hair +became dank with misery, for there directly under my feet, the vast hairy +bulk of a mammoth lay dimly visible through the muddy ice.</p> + +<p>What I had done to myself when I was planning to do Professor Bottomly +suddenly burst upon me in all its hideous proportions. Fame, the plaudits +of the world, the highest scientific honours—all these in my effort to +annihilate her, I had deliberately thrust upon this woman to my own +everlasting detriment and disgrace.</p> + +<p>A sort of howl escaped from Dr. Fooss, who had dismounted and who had +been scratching in the slush with his feet like a hen. For already this +slight gallinaceous effort of his had laid bare a hairy section of frozen +mammoth.</p> + +<p>Lezard, weeping bitterly, squatted beside him clawing at the thin skin of +ice with a pick-axe.</p> + +<p>It seemed more than I could bear and I flung myself from my mule and +seizing a spade, fell violently to work, the tears of rage and +mortification coursing down my cheeks.</p> + +<p>"Hurrah!" cried Dr. Delmour, excitedly, scrambling down from her mule and +lifting a box of dynamite from her saddle-bags.</p> + +<p>Transfigured with enthusiasm she seized a crowbar, traced in the slush +the huge outlines of the buried beast, then, measuring with practiced eye +the irregular zone of cleavage, she marked out a vast oval, dug holes +along it with her bar, dropped into each hole a stick of dynamite, got +out the batteries and wires, attached the fuses, covered each charge, +and retired on a run toward the moraine, unreeling wire as she sped +upward among the bowlders.</p> + +<p>Half frantic with grief and half mad with the excitement of the moment we +still had sense enough to shoulder our tools and drive our mules back +across the moraine.</p> + +<p>Only the mule-hammock in which reposed Professor Bottomly remained on the +marsh. For one horrid instant temptation assailed me to press the button +before James Skaw could lead the hammock-mules up to the moraine. It was +my closest approach to crime.</p> + +<p>With a shudder I viewed the approach of the mules. James Skaw led them by +the head; the hammock on its bar and swivels swung gently between them; +Professor Bottomly slept, lulled, no doubt, to deeper slumber by the +gently swaying hammock.</p> + +<p>When the hammock came up, one by one we gazed upon its unconscious +occupant.</p> + +<p>And, even amid dark and revengeful thoughts, amid a mental chaos of grief +and fury and frantic self-reproach, I had to admit to myself that Jane +Bottomly was a fine figure of a woman, and good-looking, too, and that +her hair was all her own and almost magnificent at that.</p> + +<p>With a modiste to advise her, a maid to dress her, I myself might +have—but let that pass. Only as I gazed upon her fresh complexion and +the softly parted red lips of Professor Bottomly, and as I noted the +beautiful white throat and prettily shaped hands, a newer, bitterer, and +more overwhelming despair seized me; and I realized now that perhaps I +had thrown away more than fame, honours, applause; I had perhaps thrown +away love!</p> + +<p>At that moment Professor Bottomly awoke. For a moment her lilac-tinted +eyes had a dazed expression, then they widened, and she lay very quietly +looking from one to another of us, cradled in the golden glory of her +hair, perfectly mistress of herself, and her mind as clear as a bell.</p> + +<p>"Well," she said, "so you have arrived at last." And to Dr. Delmour she +smilingly extended a cool, fresh hand.</p> + +<p>"Have you met my husband?" she inquired.</p> + +<p>We admitted that we had.</p> + +<p>"James!" she called.</p> + +<p>At the sound of her voice James Skaw hopped nimbly to do her bidding. A +tender smile came into her face as she gazed upon her husband. She made +no explanation concerning him, no apology for him. And, watching her, it +slowly filtered into my mind that she liked him.</p> + +<p>With one hand in her husband's and one on Dr. Delmour's arm she listened +to Daisy's account of what we were about to do to the imbedded mammoth, +and nodded approval.</p> + +<p>James Skaw turned the mules so that she might watch the explosion. She +twisted up her hair, then sat up in her hammock; Daisy Delmour pressed +the electric button; there came a deep jarring sound, a vast upheaval, +and up out of the mud rose <i>five or six dozen mammoths</i> and toppled +gently over upon the surface of the ice.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs226" id="gs226"></a> +<img src="images/gs226.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Out of the mud rose <i>five or six dozen mammoths</i>."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Miserable as we were at such an astonishing spectacle we raised a tragic +cheer as Professor Bottomly sprang out of her hammock and, telling Dr. +Delmour to get a camera, seized her husband and sped down to where one of +the great, hairy frozen beasts lay on the ice in full sunshine.</p> + +<p>And then we tasted the last drop of gall which our over-slopping cup of +bitterness held for us; Professor Bottomly climbed up the sides of the +frozen mammoth, dragging her husband with her, and stood there waving a +little American flag while Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera +to record the scientific triumph of the ages.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs228" id="gs228"></a> +<img src="images/gs228.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record +the scientific triumph of the ages."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Almost idiotic with the shock of my great grief I reeled and tottered +away among the bowlders. Fooss came to find me; and when he found me he +kicked me violently for some time. "Esel dumkopf!" he said.</p> + +<p>When he was tired Lezard came and fell upon me, showering me with kicks +and anathema.</p> + +<p>When he went away I beat my head with my fists for a while. Every little +helped.</p> + +<p>After a time I smelled cooking, and presently Dr. Delmour came to where I +sat huddled up miserably in the sun behind the bowlder.</p> + +<p>"Luncheon is ready," she said.</p> + +<p>I groaned.</p> + +<p>"Don't you feel well?"</p> + +<p>I said that I did not.</p> + +<p>She lingered apparently with the idea of cheering me up. "It's been +such fun," she said. "Professor Lezard and I have already located over +a hundred and fifty mammoths within a short distance of here, and +apparently there are hundreds, if not thousands, more in the vicinity. +The ivory alone is worth over a million dollars. Isn't it wonderful!"</p> + +<p>She laughed excitedly and danced away to join the others. Then, out of +the black depth of my misery a feeble gleam illuminated the Stygian +obscurity. There was one way left to stay my approaching downfall—only +one. Professor Bottomly meant to get rid of me, "for the good of the +Bronx," but there remained a way to ward off impending disaster. And +though I had lost the opportunity of my life by disbelieving the simple +honesty of James Skaw,—and though the honors and emoluments and applause +which ought to have been mine were destined for this determined woman, +still, if I kept my head, I should be able to hold my job at the Bronx.</p> + +<p>Dr. Delmour was immovable in the good graces of Professor Bottomly; and +the only way for me to retain my position was to marry her.</p> + +<p>The thought comforted me. After a while I felt well enough to arise and +partake of some luncheon.</p> + +<p>They were all seated around the campfire when I approached. I was +welcomed politely, inquiries concerning my health were offered; but the +coldly malevolent glare of Dr. Fooss and the calm contempt in Lezard's +gaze chilled me; and I squatted down by Daisy Delmour and accepted a dish +of soup from her in mortified silence.</p> + +<p>Professor Bottomly and James Skaw were feasting connubially side by side, +and she was selecting titbits for him which he dutifully swallowed, his +large mild eyes gazing at vacancy in a gentle, surprised sort of way as +he gulped down what she offered him.</p> + +<p>Neither of them paid any attention to anybody else.</p> + +<p>Fooss gobbled his lunch in a sort of raging silence; Lezard, on the other +side of Dr. Delmour, conversed with her continually in undertones.</p> + +<p>After a while his persistent murmuring began to make me uneasy, even +suspicious, and I glared at him sideways.</p> + +<p>Daisy Delmour, catching my eye, blushed, hesitated, then leaning over +toward me with delightful confusion she whispered:</p> + +<p>"I know that you will be glad to hear that I have just promised to marry +your closest friend, Professor Lezard—"</p> + +<p>"What!" I shouted with all my might, "have <i>you</i> put one over on me, +too?"</p> + +<p>Lezard and Fooss seized me, for I had risen and was jumping up and down +and splashing them with soup.</p> + +<p>"Everybody has put one over on me!" I shrieked. "Everybody! Now I'm going +to put one over on myself!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col04" id="col04"></a> +<img src="images/col04.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>And I lifted my plate of soup and reversed it on my head.</p> + +<p>They told me later that I screamed for half an hour before I swooned.</p> + +<p>Afterward, my intellect being impaired, instead of being dismissed from +my department, I was promoted to the position which I now hold as +President Emeritus of the Consolidated Art Museums and Zoölogical Gardens +of the City of New York.</p> + +<p>I have easy hours, little to do, and twenty ornamental stenographers and +typewriters engaged upon my memoirs which I dictate when I feel like it, +steeped in the aroma of the most inexpensive cigar I can buy at the +Rolling Stone Inn.</p> + +<p>There is one typist in particular—but let that pass.</p> + +<p><i>Vir sapit qui pauca loquitor.</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs235.jpg"><img src="images/gs235.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="UN_PEU_DAMOUR" id="UN_PEU_DAMOUR"></a>UN PEU D'AMOUR</h2> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a href="images/gs238.jpg"><img src="images/gs238.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p>When I returned to the plateau from my investigation of the crater, I +realized that I had descended the grassy pit as far as any human being +could descend. No living creature could pass that barrier of flame and +vapour. Of that I was convinced.</p> + +<p>Now, not only the crater but its steaming effluvia was utterly unlike +anything I had ever before beheld. There was no trace of lava to be +seen, or of pumice, ashes, or of volcanic rejecta in any form whatever. +There were no sulphuric odours, no pungent fumes, nothing to teach the +olfactory nerves what might be the nature of the silvery steam rising +from the crater incessantly in a vast circle, ringing its circumference +halfway down the slope.</p> + +<p>Under this thin curtain of steam a ring of pale yellow flames played and +sparkled, completely encircling the slope.</p> + +<p>The crater was about half a mile deep; the sides sloped gently to the +bottom.</p> + +<p>But the odd feature of the entire phenomenon was this: the bottom of +the crater seemed to be entirely free from fire and vapour. It was +disk-shaped, sandy, and flat, about a quarter of a mile in diameter. +Through my field-glasses I could see patches of grass and wild flowers +growing in the sand here and there, and the sparkle of water, and a crow +or two, feeding and walking about.</p> + +<p>I looked at the girl who was standing beside me, then cast a glance +around at the very unusual landscape.</p> + +<p>We were standing on the summit of a mountain some two thousand feet high, +looking into a cup-shaped depression or crater, on the edges of which we +stood.</p> + +<p>This low, flat-topped mountain, as I say, was grassy and quite treeless, +although it rose like a truncated sugar-cone out of a wilderness of trees +which stretched for miles below us, north, south, east, and west, +bordered on the horizon by towering blue mountains, their distant ranges +enclosing the forests as in a vast amphitheatre.</p> + +<p>From the centre of this enormous green floor of foliage rose our grassy +hill, and it appeared to be the only irregularity which broke the level +wilderness as far as the base of the dim blue ranges encircling the +horizon.</p> + +<p>Except for the log bungalow of Mr. Blythe on the eastern edge of this +grassy plateau, there was not a human habitation in sight, nor a trace of +man's devastating presence in the wilderness around us.</p> + +<p>Again I looked questioningly at the girl beside me and she looked back at +me rather seriously.</p> + +<p>"Shall we seat ourselves here in the sun?" she asked.</p> + +<p>I nodded.</p> + +<p>Very gravely we settled down side by side on the thick green grass.</p> + +<p>"Now," she said, "I shall tell you why I wrote you to come out here. +Shall I?"</p> + +<p>"By all means, Miss Blythe."</p> + +<p>Sitting cross-legged, she gathered her ankles into her hands, settling +herself as snugly on the grass as a bird settles on its nest.</p> + +<p>"The phenomena of nature," she said, "have always interested me +intensely, not only from the artistic angle but from the scientific point +of view.</p> + +<p>"It is different with father. He is a painter; he cares only for the +artistic aspects of nature. Phenomena of a scientific nature bore him. +Also, you may have noticed that he is of a—a slightly impatient +disposition."</p> + +<p>I had noticed it. He had been anything but civil to me when I arrived the +night before, after a five-hundred mile trip on a mule, from the nearest +railroad—a journey performed entirely alone and by compass, there being +no trail after the first fifty miles.</p> + +<p>To characterize Blythe as slightly impatient was letting him down easy. +He was a selfish, bad-tempered old pig.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said, answering her, "I did notice a negligible trace of +impatience about your father."</p> + +<p>She flushed.</p> + +<p>"You see I did not inform my father that I had written to you. He doesn't +like strangers; he doesn't like scientists. I did not dare tell him that +I had asked you to come out here. It was entirely my own idea. I felt +that I <i>must</i> write you because I am positive that what is happening in +this wilderness is of vital scientific importance."</p> + +<p>"How did you get a letter out of this distant and desolate place?" I +asked.</p> + +<p>"Every two months the storekeeper at Windflower Station sends in a man +and a string of mules with staples for us. The man takes our further +orders and our letters back to civilization."</p> + +<p>I nodded.</p> + +<p>"He took my letter to you—among one or two others I sent——"</p> + +<p>A charming colour came into her cheeks. She was really extremely pretty. +I liked that girl. When a girl blushes when she speaks to a man he +immediately accepts her heightened colour as a personal tribute. This +is not vanity: it is merely a proper sense of personal worthiness.</p> + +<p>She said thoughtfully:</p> + +<p>"The mail bag which that man brought to us last week contained a letter +which, had I received it earlier, would have made my invitation to you +unnecessary. I'm sorry I disturbed you."</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> am not," said I, looking into her beautiful eyes.</p> + +<p>I twisted my mustache into two attractive points, shot my cuffs, and +glanced at her again, receptively.</p> + +<p>She had a far-away expression in her eyes. I straightened my necktie. A +man, without being vain, ought to be conscious of his own worth.</p> + +<p>"And now," she continued, "I am going to tell you the various reasons why +I asked so celebrated a scientist as yourself to come here."</p> + +<p>I thanked her for her encomium.</p> + +<p>"Ever since my father retired from Boston to purchase this hill and the +wilderness surrounding it," she went on, "ever since he came here to live +a hermit's life—a life devoted solely to painting landscapes—I also +have lived here all alone with him.</p> + +<p>"That is three years, now. And from the very beginning—from the very +first day of our arrival, somehow or other I was conscious that there +was something abnormal about this corner of the world."</p> + +<p>She bent forward, lowering her voice a trifle:</p> + +<p>"Have you noticed," she asked, "that so many things seem to be <i>circular</i> +out here?"</p> + +<p>"Circular?" I repeated, surprised.</p> + +<p>"Yes. That crater is circular; so is the bottom of it; so is this +plateau, and the hill; and the forests surrounding us; and the mountain +ranges on the horizon."</p> + +<p>"But all this is natural."</p> + +<p>"Perhaps. But in those woods, down there, there are, here and there, +great circles of crumbling soil—<i>perfect</i> circles a mile in diameter."</p> + +<p>"Mounds built by prehistoric man, no doubt."</p> + +<p>She shook her head:</p> + +<p>"These are not prehistoric mounds."</p> + +<p>"Why not?"</p> + +<p>"Because they have been freshly made."</p> + +<p>"How do you know?"</p> + +<p>"The earth is freshly upheaved; great trees, partly uprooted, slant at +every angle from the sides of the enormous piles of newly upturned earth; +sand and stones are still sliding from the raw ridges."</p> + +<p>She leaned nearer and dropped her voice still lower:</p> + +<p>"More than that," she said, "my father and I both have seen one of these +huge circles <i>in the making</i>!"</p> + +<p>"What!" I exclaimed, incredulously.</p> + +<p>"It is true. We have seen several. And it enrages father."</p> + +<p>"Enrages?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, because it upsets the trees where he is painting landscapes, and +tilts them in every direction. Which, of course, ruins his picture; and +he is obliged to start another, which vexes him dreadfully."</p> + +<p>I think I must have gaped at her in sheer astonishment.</p> + +<p>"But there is something more singular than that for you to investigate," +she said calmly. "Look down at that circle of steam which makes a perfect +ring around the bowl of the crater, halfway down. Do you see the flicker +of fire under the vapour?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>She leaned so near and spoke in such a low voice that her fragrant breath +fell upon my cheek:</p> + +<p>"In the fire, under the vapours, there are little animals."</p> + +<p>"What!!"</p> + +<p>"Little beasts live in the fire—slim, furry creatures, smaller +than a weasel. I've seen them peep out of the fire and scurry back +into it.... <i>Now</i> are you sorry that I wrote you to come? And will +you forgive me for bringing you out here?"</p> + +<p>An indescribable excitement seized me, endowing me with a fluency and +eloquence unusual:</p> + +<p>"I thank you from the bottom of my heart!" I cried; "—from the depths of +a heart the emotions of which are entirely and exclusively of scientific +origin!"</p> + +<p>In the impulse of the moment I held out my hand; she laid hers in it with +charming diffidence.</p> + +<p>"Yours is the discovery," I said. "Yours shall be the glory. Fame shall +crown you; and perhaps if there remains any reflected light in the form +of a by-product, some modest and negligible little ray may chance to +illuminate me."</p> + +<p>Surprised and deeply moved by my eloquence, I bent over her hand and +saluted it with my lips.</p> + +<p>She thanked me. Her pretty face was rosy.</p> + +<p>It appeared that she had three cows to milk, new-laid eggs to gather, and +the construction of some fresh butter to be accomplished.</p> + +<p>At the bars of the grassy pasture slope she dropped me a curtsey, +declining very shyly to let me carry her lacteal paraphernalia.</p> + +<p>So I continued on to the bungalow garden, where Blythe sat on a camp +stool under a green umbrella, painting a picture of something or other.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Blythe!" I cried, striving to subdue my enthusiasm. "The eyes of the +scientific world are now open upon this house! The searchlight of Fame is +about to be turned upon you—"</p> + +<p>"I prefer privacy," he interrupted. "That's why I came here. I'll be +obliged if you'll turn off that searchlight."</p> + +<p>"But, my dear Mr. Blythe—"</p> + +<p>"I want to be let alone," he repeated irritably. "I came out here to +paint and to enjoy privately my own paintings."</p> + +<p>If what stood on his easel was a sample of his pictures, nobody was +likely to share his enjoyment.</p> + +<p>"Your work," said I, politely, "is—is——"</p> + +<p>"Is what!" he snapped. "<i>What</i> is it—if you think you know?"</p> + +<p>"It is entirely, so to speak, <i>per se</i>—by itself—"</p> + +<p>"What the devil do you mean by that?"</p> + +<p>I looked at his picture, appalled. The entire canvas was one monotonous +vermillion conflagration. I examined it with my head on one side, then on +the other side; I made a funnel with both hands and peered intently +through it at the picture. A menacing murmuring sound came from him.</p> + +<p>"Satisfying—exquisitely satisfying," I concluded. "I have often seen +such sunsets—"</p> + +<p>"What!"</p> + +<p>"I mean such prairie fires—"</p> + +<p>"Damnation!" he exclaimed. "I'm painting a bowl of nasturtiums!"</p> + +<p>"I was speaking purely in metaphor," said I with a sickly smile. "To me +a nasturtium by the river brink is more than a simple flower. It is a +broader, grander, more magnificent, more stupendous symbol. It may mean +anything, everything—such as sunsets and conflagrations and +Götterdämmerungs! Or—" and my voice was subtly modulated to an +appealing and persuasive softness—"it may mean nothing at all—chaos, +void, vacuum, negation, the exquisite annihilation of what has never even +existed."</p> + +<p>He glared at me over his shoulder. If he was infected by Cubist +tendencies he evidently had not understood what I said.</p> + +<p>"If you won't talk about my pictures I don't mind your investigating this +district," he grunted, dabbing at his palette and plastering a wad of +vermilion upon his canvas; "but I object to any public invasion of my +artistic privacy until I am ready for it."</p> + +<p>"When will that be?"</p> + +<p>He pointed with one vermilion-soaked brush toward a long, low, log +building.</p> + +<p>"In that structure," he said, "are packed one thousand and ninety-five +paintings—all signed by me. I have executed one or two every day since I +came here. When I have painted exactly ten thousand pictures, no more, no +less, I shall erect here a gallery large enough to contain them all.</p> + +<p>"Only real lovers of art will ever come here to study them. It is five +hundred miles from the railroad. Therefore, I shall never have to endure +the praises of the dilettante, the patronage of the idler, the vapid +rhapsodies of the vulgar. Only those who understand will care to make the +pilgrimage."</p> + +<p>He waved his brushes at me:</p> + +<p>"The conservation of national resources is all well enough—the setting +aside of timber reserves, game preserves, bird refuges, all these +projects are very good in a way. But I have dedicated this wilderness +as a last and only refuge in all the world for true Art! Because +true Art, except for my pictures, is, I believe, now practically +extinct!... You're in my way. Would you mind getting out?"</p> + +<p>I had sidled around between him and his bowl of nasturtiums, and I +hastily stepped aside. He squinted at the flowers, mixed up a flamboyant +mess of colour on his palette, and daubed away with unfeigned +satisfaction, no longer noticing me until I started to go. Then:</p> + +<p>"What is it you're here for, anyway?" he demanded abruptly. I said with +dignity:</p> + +<p>"I am here to investigate those huge rings of earth thrown up in the +forest as by a gigantic mole." He continued to paint for a few moments:</p> + +<p>"Well, go and investigate 'em," he snapped. "I'm not infatuated with your +society."</p> + +<p>"What do you think they are?" I asked, mildly ignoring his wretched +manners.</p> + +<p>"I don't know and I don't care, except, that sometimes when I begin to +paint several trees, the very trees I'm painting are suddenly heaved up +and tilted in every direction, and all my work goes for nothing. <i>That</i> +makes me mad! Otherwise, the matter has no interest for me."</p> + +<p>"But what in the world could cause—"</p> + +<p>"I don't know and I don't care!" he shouted, waving palette and brushes +angrily. "Maybe it's an army of moles working all together under the +ground; maybe it's some species of circular earthquake. I don't know! I +don't care! But it annoys me. And if you can devise any scientific means +to stop it, I'll be much obliged to you. Otherwise, to be perfectly +frank, you bore me."</p> + +<p>"The mission of Science," said I solemnly, "is to alleviate the +inconveniences of mundane existence. Science, therefore, shall extend +a helping hand to her frailer sister, Art—"</p> + +<p>"Science can't patronize Art while I'm around!" he retorted. "I won't +have it!"</p> + +<p>"But, my dear Mr. Blythe—"</p> + +<p>"I won't dispute with you, either! I don't like to dispute!" he shouted. +"Don't try to make me. Don't attempt to inveigle me into discussion! I +know all I want to know. I don't want to know anything you want me to +know, either!"</p> + +<p>I looked at the old pig in haughty silence, nauseated by his conceit.</p> + +<p>After he had plastered a few more tubes of vermilion over his canvas he +quieted down, and presently gave me an oblique glance over his shoulder.</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "what else are you intending to investigate?"</p> + +<p>"Those little animals that live in the crater fires," I said bluntly.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he nodded, indifferently, "there are creatures which live +somewhere in the fires of that crater."</p> + +<p>"Do you realize what an astounding statement you are making?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"It doesn't astound <i>me</i>. What do I care whether it astounds you or +anybody else? Nothing interests me except Art."</p> + +<p>"But—"</p> + +<p>"I tell you nothing interests me except Art!" he yelled. "Don't dispute +it! Don't answer me! Don't irritate me! I don't care whether anything +lives in the fire or not! Let it live there!"</p> + +<p>"But have you actually seen live creatures in the flames?"</p> + +<p>"Plenty! <i>Plenty!</i> What of it? What about it? Let 'em live there, for all +I care. I've painted pictures of 'em, too. That's all that interests me."</p> + +<p>"What do they look like, Mr. Blythe?"</p> + +<p>"Look like? <i>I</i> don't know! They look like weasels or rats or bats or +cats or—stop asking me questions! It irritates me! It depresses me! +Don't ask any more! Why don't you go in to lunch? And—tell my daughter +to bring me a bowl of salad out here. <i>I've</i> no time to stuff myself. +Some people have. <i>I</i> haven't. You'd better go in to lunch.... And tell +my daughter to bring me seven tubes of Chinese vermilion with my salad!"</p> + +<p>"You don't mean to mix—" I began, then checked myself before his fury.</p> + +<p>"I'd rather eat vermilion paint on my salad than sit here talking to +<i>you</i>!" he shouted.</p> + +<p>I cast a pitying glance at this impossible man, and went into the house. +After all, he was <i>her</i> father. I <i>had</i> to endure him.</p> + + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs254" id="gs254"></a> +<img src="images/gs254.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of +lettuce leaves."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>After Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce +leaves, she returned to the veranda of the bungalow.</p> + + +<p>A delightful luncheon awaited us; I seated her, then took the chair +opposite.</p> + +<p>A delicious omelette, fresh biscuit, salad, and strawberry preserves, and +a tall tumbler of iced tea imbued me with a sort of mild exhilaration.</p> + +<p>Out of the corner of my eye I could see Blythe down in the garden, +munching his lettuce leaves like an ill-tempered rabbit, and daubing away +at his picture while he munched.</p> + +<p>"Your father," said I politely, "is something of a genius."</p> + +<p>"I am so glad you think so," she said gratefully. "But don't tell him so. +He has been surfeited with praise in Boston. That is why we came out +here."</p> + +<p>"Art," said I, "is like science, or tobacco, or tooth-wash. Every man +to his own brand. Personally, I don't care for his kind. But who can say +which is the best kind of anything? Only the consumer. Your father is his +own consumer. He is the best judge of what he likes. And that is the only +true test of art, or anything else."</p> + +<p>"How delightfully you reason!" she said. "How logically, how generously!"</p> + +<p>"Reason is the handmaid of Science, Miss Blythe."</p> + +<p>She seemed to understand me. Her quick intelligence surprised me, because +I myself was not perfectly sure whether I had emitted piffle or an +epigram.</p> + +<p>As we ate our strawberry preserves we discussed ways and means of +capturing a specimen of the little fire creatures which, as she +explained, so frequently peeped out at her from the crater fires, and, +at her slightest movement, scurried back again into the flames. Of course +I believed that this was only her imagination. Yet, for years I had +entertained a theory that fire supported certain unknown forms of life.</p> + +<p>"I have long believed," said I, "that fire is inhabited by living +organisms which require the elements and temperature of active combustion +for their existence—microörganisms, but not," I added smilingly, "any +higher type of life."</p> + +<p>"In the fireplace," she ventured diffidently, "I sometimes see curious +things—dragons and snakes and creatures of grotesque and peculiar +shapes."</p> + +<p>I smiled indulgently, charmed by this innocently offered contribution +to science. Then she rose, and I rose and took her hand in mine, and we +wandered over the grass toward the crater, while I explained to her the +difference between what we imagine we see in the glowing coals of a grate +fire and my own theory that fire is the abode of living animalculae.</p> + +<p>On the grassy edge of the crater we paused and looked down the slope, +where the circle of steam rose, partly veiling the pale flash of fire +underneath.</p> + +<p>"How near can we go?" I inquired.</p> + +<p>"Quite near. Come; I'll guide you."</p> + +<p>Leading me by the hand, she stepped over the brink and we began to +descend the easy grass slope together.</p> + +<p>There was no difficulty about it at all. Down we went, nearer and nearer +to the wall of steam, until at last, when but fifteen feet away from it, +I felt the heat from the flames which sparkled below the wall of vapour.</p> + +<p>Here we seated ourselves upon the grass, and I knitted my brows and fixed +my eyes upon this curious phenomenon, striving to discover some reason +for it.</p> + +<p>Except for the vapour and the fires, there was nothing whatever volcanic +about this spectacle, or in the surroundings.</p> + +<p>From where I sat I could see that the bed of fire which encircled the +crater; and the wall of vapour which crowned the flames, were about three +hundred feet wide. Of course this barrier was absolutely impassable. +There was no way of getting through it into the bottom of the crater.</p> + +<p>A slight pressure from Miss Blythe's fingers engaged my attention; I +turned toward her, and she said:</p> + +<p>"There is one more thing about which I have not told you. I feel a little +guilty, because <i>that</i> is the real reason I asked you to come here."</p> + +<p>"What is it?"</p> + +<p>"I think there are emeralds on the floor of that crater."</p> + +<p>"Emeralds!"</p> + +<p>"I <i>think</i> so." She felt in the ruffled pocket of her apron, drew out a +fragment of mineral, and passed it to me.</p> + +<p>I screwed a jeweler's glass into my eye and examined it in astonished +silence. It was an emerald; a fine, large, immensely valuable stone, if +my experience counted for anything. One side of it was thickly coated +with vermilion paint.</p> + +<p>"Where did this come from?" I asked in an agitated voice.</p> + +<p>"From the floor of the crater. Is it <i>really</i> an emerald?"</p> + +<p>I lifted my head and stared at the girl incredulously.</p> + +<p>"It happened this way," she said excitedly. "Father was painting a +picture up there by the edge of the crater. He left his palette on the +grass to go to the bungalow for some more tubes of colour. While he was +in the house, hunting for the colours which he wanted, I stepped out on +the veranda, and I saw some crows alight near the palette and begin +to stalk about in the grass. One bird walked right over his wet palette; +I stepped out and waved my sun-bonnet to frighten him off, but he had +both feet in a sticky mass of Chinese vermilion, and for a moment was +unable to free himself.</p> + +<p>"I almost caught him, but he flapped away over the edge of the crater, +high above the wall of vapour, sailed down onto the crater floor, and +alighted.</p> + +<p>"But his feet bothered him; he kept hopping about on the bottom of the +crater, half running, half flying; and finally he took wing and rose up +over the hill.</p> + +<p>"As he flew above me, and while I was looking up at his vermilion feet, +something dropped from his claws and nearly struck me. It was that +emerald."</p> + +<p>When I had recovered sufficient composure to speak steadily, I took her +beautiful little hand in mine.</p> + +<p>"This," said I, "is the most exciting locality I have ever visited for +purposes of scientific research. Within this crater may lie millions of +value in emeralds. You are probably, today, the wealthiest heiress upon +the face of the globe!"</p> + +<p>I gave her a winning glance. She smiled, shyly, and blushingly withdrew +her hand.</p> + +<p>For several exquisite minutes I sat there beside her in a sort of +heavenly trance. How beautiful she was! How engaging—how sweet—how +modestly appreciative of the man beside her, who had little beside his +scientific learning, his fame, and a kind heart to appeal to such youth +and loveliness as hers!</p> + +<p>There was something about her that delicately appealed to me. Sometimes +I pondered what this might be; sometimes I wondered how many emeralds lay +on that floor of sandy gravel below us.</p> + +<p>Yes, I loved her. I realised it now. I could even endure her father for +her sake. I should make a good husband. I was quite certain of that.</p> + +<p>I turned and gazed upon her, meltingly. But I did not wish to startle +her, so I remained silent, permitting the chaste language of my eyes to +interpret for her what my lips had not yet murmured. It was a brief but +beautiful moment in my life.</p> + +<p>"The way to do," said I, "is to trap several dozen crows, smear their +feet with glue, tie a ball of Indian twine to the ankle of every bird, +then liberate them. Some are certain to fly into the crater and try to +scrape the glue off in the sand. Then," I added, triumphantly, "all we +have to do is to haul in our birds and detach the wealth of Midas from +their sticky claws!"</p> + +<p>"That is an excellent suggestion," she said gratefully, "but I can do +that after you have gone. All I wanted you to tell me was whether the +stone is a genuine emerald."</p> + +<p>I gazed at her blankly.</p> + +<p>"You are here for purposes of scientific investigation," she added, +sweetly. "I should not think of taking your time for the mere sake of +accumulating wealth for my father and me."</p> + +<p>There didn't seem to be anything for me to say at that moment. Chilled, +I gazed at the flashing ring of fire.</p> + +<p>And, as I gazed, suddenly I became aware of a little, pointed muzzle, two +pricked-up ears, and two ruby-red eyes gazing intently out at me from the +mass of flames.</p> + +<p>The girl beside me saw it, too.</p> + +<p>"Don't move!" she whispered. "That is one of the flame creatures. It may +venture out if you keep perfectly still."</p> + +<p>Rigid with amazement, I sat like a stone image, staring at the most +astonishing sight I had ever beheld.</p> + +<p>For several minutes the ferret-like creature never stirred from where it +crouched in the crater fire; the alert head remained pointed toward us; I +could even see that its thick fur must have possessed the qualities of +asbestos, because here and there a hair or two glimmered incandescent; +and its eyes, nose, and whiskers glowed and glowed as the flames pulsated +around it.</p> + +<p>After a long while it began to move out of the fire, slowly, cautiously, +cunning eyes fixed on us—a small, slim, wiry, weasel-like creature on +which the sunlight fell with a vitreous glitter as it crept forward into +the grass.</p> + +<p>Then, from the fire behind, another creature of the same sort appeared, +another, others, then dozens of eager, lithe, little animals appeared +everywhere from the flames and began to frisk and play and run about in +the grass and nibble the fresh, green, succulent herbage with a snipping +sound quite audible to us.</p> + +<p>One came so near my feet that I could examine it minutely.</p> + +<p>Its fur and whiskers seemed heavy and dense and like asbestos fibre, yet +so fine as to appear silky. Its eyes, nose, and claws were scarlet, and +seemed to possess a glassy surface.</p> + +<p>I waited my opportunity, and when the little thing came nosing along +within reach, I seized it.</p> + +<p>Instantly it emitted a bewildering series of whistling shrieks, and +twisted around to bite me. Its body was icy.</p> + +<p>"Don't let it bite!" cried the girl. "Be careful, Mr. Smith!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col05" id="col05"></a> +<img src="images/col05.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. +Smith!'"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>But its jaws were toothless; only soft, cold gums pinched me, and I held +it twisting and writhing, while the icy temperature of its body began to +benumb my fingers and creep up my wrist, paralyzing my arm; and its +incessant and piercing shrieks deafened me.</p> + +<p>In vain I transferred it to the other hand, and then passed it from one +hand to the other, as one shifts a lump of ice or a hot potato, in an +attempt to endure the temperature: it shrieked and squirmed and doubled, +and finally wriggled out of my stiffened and useless hands, and scuttled +away into the fire.</p> + +<p>It was an overwhelming disappointment. For a moment it seemed +unendurable.</p> + +<p>"Never mind," I said, huskily, "if I caught one in my hands, I can surely +catch another in a trap."</p> + +<p>"I am so sorry for your disappointment," she said, pitifully.</p> + +<p>"Do <i>you</i> care, Miss Blythe?" I asked.</p> + +<p>She blushed.</p> + +<p>"Of course I care," she murmured.</p> + +<p>My hands were too badly frost-nipped to become eloquent. I merely sighed +and thrust them into my pockets. Even my arm was too stiff to encircle +her shapeful waist. Devotion to Science had temporarily crippled me. Love +must wait. But, as we ascended the grassy slope together, I promised +myself that I would make her a good husband, and that I should spend at +least part of every day of my life in trapping crows and smearing their +claws with glue.</p> + +<p>That evening I was seated on the veranda beside Wilna—Miss Blythe's name +was Wilna—and what with gazing at her and fitting together some of the +folding box-traps which I always carried with me—and what with trying to +realise the pecuniary magnificence of our future existence together, I +was exceedingly busy when Blythe came in to display, as I supposed, his +most recent daub to me.</p> + +<p>The canvas he carried presented a series of crimson speckles, out of +which burst an eruption of green streaks—and it made me think of +stepping on a caterpillar.</p> + +<p>My instinct was to placate this impossible man. He was <i>her</i> father. I +meant to honour him if I had to assault him to do it.</p> + +<p>"Supremely satisfying!" I nodded, chary of naming the subject. "It is a +stride beyond the art of the future: it is a flying leap out of the Not +Yet into the Possibly Perhaps! I thank you for enlightening me, Mr. +Blythe. I am your debtor."</p> + +<p>He fairly snarled at me:</p> + +<p>"What are <i>you</i> talking about!" he demanded.</p> + +<p>I remained modestly mute.</p> + +<p>To Wilna he said, pointing passionately at his canvas:</p> + +<p>"The crows have been walking all over it again! I'm going to paint in the +woods after this, earthquakes or no earthquakes. Have the trees been +heaved up anywhere recently?"</p> + +<p>"Not since last week," she said, soothingly. "It usually happens after a +rain."</p> + +<p>"I think I'll risk it then—although it did rain early this morning. I'll +do a moonlight down there this evening." And, turning to me: "If you know +as much about science as you do about art you won't have to remain here +long—I trust."</p> + +<p>"What?" said I, very red.</p> + +<p>He laughed a highly disagreeable laugh, and marched into the house. +Presently he bawled for dinner, and Wilna went away. For her sake I had +remained calm and dignified, but presently I went out and kicked up the +turf two or three times; and, having foozled my wrath, I went back to +dinner, realising that I might as well begin to accustom myself to my +future father-in-law.</p> + +<p>It seemed that he had a mania for prunes, and that's all he permitted +anybody to have for dinner.</p> + +<p>Disgusted, I attempted to swallow the loathly stewed fruit, watching +Blythe askance as he hurriedly stuffed himself, using a tablespoon, with +every symptom of relish.</p> + +<p>"Now," he cried, shoving back his chair, "I'm going to paint a moonlight +by moonlight. Wilna, if Billy arrives, make him comfortable, and tell him +I'll return by midnight." And without taking the trouble to notice me at +all, he strode away toward the veranda, chewing vigorously upon his last +prune.</p> + +<p>"Your father," said I, "is eccentric. Genius usually is. But he is a most +interesting and estimable man. I revere him."</p> + +<p>"It is kind of you to say so," said the girl, in a low voice.</p> + +<p>I thought deeply for a few moments, then:</p> + +<p>"Who is 'Billy?'" I inquired, casually.</p> + +<p>I couldn't tell whether it was a sudden gleam of sunset light on her +face, or whether she blushed.</p> + +<p>"Billy," she said softly, "is a friend of father's. His name is William +Green."</p> + +<p>"Oh."</p> + +<p>"He is coming out here to visit—father—I believe."</p> + +<p>"Oh. An artist; and doubtless of mature years."</p> + +<p>"He is a mineralogist by profession," she said, "—and somewhat young."</p> + +<p>"Oh."</p> + +<p>"Twenty-four years old," she added. Upon her pretty face was an absent +expression, vaguely pleasant. Her blue eyes became dreamy and exquisitely +remote.</p> + +<p>I pondered deeply for a while:</p> + +<p>"Wilna?" I said.</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Smith?" as though aroused from agreeable meditation.</p> + +<p>But I didn't know exactly what to say, and I remained uneasily silent, +thinking about that man Green and his twenty-four years, and his +profession, and the bottom of the crater, and Wilna—and striving to +satisfy myself that there was no logical connection between any of these.</p> + +<p>"I think," said I, "that I'll take a bucket of salad to your father."</p> + +<p>Why I should have so suddenly determined to ingratiate myself with the +old grouch I scarcely understood: for the construction of a salad was my +very best accomplishment.</p> + +<p>Wilna looked at me in a peculiar manner, almost as though she were +controlling a sudden and not unpleasant inward desire to laugh.</p> + +<p>Evidently the finer and more delicate instincts of a woman were divining +my motive and sympathizing with my mental and sentimental perplexity.</p> + +<p>So when she said: "I don't think you had better go near my father," I was +convinced of her gentle solicitude in my behalf.</p> + +<p>"With a bucket of salad," I whispered softly, "much may be accomplished, +Wilna." And I took her little hand and pressed it gently and +respectfully. "Trust all to me," I murmured.</p> + +<p>She stood with her head turned away from me, her slim hand resting limply +in mine. From the slight tremor of her shoulders I became aware how +deeply her emotion was now swaying her. Evidently she was nearly ready to +become mine.</p> + +<p>But I remained calm and alert. The time was not yet. Her father had had +his prunes, in which he delighted. And when pleasantly approached with a +bucket of salad he could not listen otherwise than politely to what I +had to say to him. Quick action was necessary—quick but diplomatic +action—in view of the imminence of this young man Green, who evidently +was <i>persona grata</i> at the bungalow of this irritable old dodo.</p> + +<p>Tenderly pressing the pretty hand which I held, and saluting the +finger-tips with a gesture which was, perhaps, not wholly ungraceful, +I stepped into the kitchen, washed out several heads of lettuce, deftly +chopped up some youthful onions, constructed a seductive French dressing, +and, stirring together the crisp ingredients, set the savoury masterpiece +away in the ice-box, after tasting it. It was delicious enough to draw +sobs from any pig.</p> + +<p>When I went out to the veranda, Wilna had disappeared. So I unfolded and +set up some more box-traps, determined to lose no time.</p> + +<p>Sunset still lingered beyond the chain of western mountains as I went out +across the grassy plateau to the cornfield.</p> + +<p>Here I set and baited several dozen aluminium crow-traps, padding the +jaws so that no injury could be done to the birds when the springs +snapped on their legs.</p> + +<p>Then I went over to the crater and descended its gentle, grassy slope. +And there, all along the borders of the vapoury wall, I set box-traps for +the lithe little denizens of the fire, baiting every trap with a handful +of fresh, sweet clover which I had pulled up from the pasture beyond the +cornfield.</p> + +<p>My task ended, I ascended the slope again, and for a while stood there +immersed in pleasurable premonitions.</p> + +<p>Everything had been accomplished swiftly and methodically within +the few hours in which I had first set eyes upon this extraordinary +place—everything!—love at first sight, the delightfully lightning-like +wooing and winning of an incomparable maiden and heiress; the discovery +of the fire creatures; the solving of the emerald problem.</p> + +<p>And now everything was ready, crow-traps, fire-traps, a bucket of +irresistible salad for Blythe, a modest and tremulous avowal for Wilna as +soon as her father tasted the salad and I had pleasantly notified him of +my intentions concerning his lovely offspring.</p> + +<p>Daylight faded from rose to lilac; already the mountains were growing +fairy-like under that vague, diffuse lustre which heralds the rise of the +full moon. It rose, enormous, yellow, unreal, becoming imperceptibly +silvery as it climbed the sky and hung aloft like a stupendous arc-light +flooding the world with a radiance so white and clear that I could very +easily have written verses by it, if I wrote verses.</p> + +<p>Down on the edge of the forest I could see Blythe on his camp-stool, +madly besmearing his moonlit canvas, but I could not see Wilna anywhere. +Maybe she had shyly retired somewhere by herself to think of me.</p> + +<p>So I went back to the house, filled a bucket with my salad, and started +toward the edge of the woods, singing happily as I sped on feet so light +and frolicsome that they seemed to skim the ground. How wonderful is the +power of love!</p> + +<p>When I approached Blythe he heard me coming and turned around.</p> + +<p>"What the devil do <i>you</i> want?" he asked with characteristic civility.</p> + +<p>"I have brought you," said I gaily, "a bucket of salad."</p> + +<p>"I don't want any salad!"</p> + +<p>"W-what?"</p> + +<p>"I never eat it at night."</p> + +<p>I said confidently:</p> + +<p>"Mr. Blythe, if you will taste this salad I am sure you will not regret +it." And with hideous cunning I set the bucket beside him on the grass +and seated myself near it. The old dodo grunted and continued to daub the +canvas; but presently, as though forgetfully, and from sheer instinct, he +reached down into the bucket, pulled out a leaf of lettuce, and shoved it +into his mouth.</p> + +<p>My heart leaped exultantly. I had him!</p> + +<p>"Mr. Blythe," I began in a winningly modulated voice, and, at the same +instant, he sprang from his camp-chair, his face distorted.</p> + +<p>"There are onions in this salad!" he yelled. "What the devil do you mean! +Are you trying to poison me! What are you following me about for, anyway? +Why are you running about under foot every minute!"</p> + +<p>"My dear Mr. Blythe," I protested—but he barked at me, kicked over the +bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs277" id="gs277"></a> +<img src="images/gs277.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance +with rage."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>"What's the matter with you, anyway!" he bawled. "Why are you trying to +feed me? What do you mean by trying to be attentive to me!"</p> + +<p>"I—I admire and revere you—"</p> + +<p>"No you don't!" he shouted. "I don't want you to admire me! I don't +desire to be revered! I don't like attention and politeness! Do you hear! +It's artificial—out of date—ridiculous! The only thing that recommends +a man to me is his bad manners, bad temper, and violent habits. There's +some meaning to such a man, none at all to men like you!"</p> + +<p>He ran at the salad bucket and kicked it again.</p> + +<p>"They all fawned on me in Boston!" he panted. "They ran about under foot! +They bought my pictures! And they made me sick! I came out here to be rid +of 'em!"</p> + +<p>I rose from the grass, pale and determined.</p> + +<p>"You listen to me, you old grouch!" I hissed. "I'll go. But before I go +I'll tell you why I've been civil to you. There's only one reason in the +world: I want to marry your daughter! And I'm going to do it!"</p> + +<p>I stepped nearer him, menacing him with outstretched hand:</p> + +<p>"As for you, you pitiable old dodo, with your bad manners and your worse +pictures, and your degraded mania for prunes, you are a necessary evil +that's all, and I haven't the slightest respect for either you or your +art!"</p> + +<p>"Is that true?" he said in an altered voice.</p> + +<p>"True?" I laughed bitterly. "Of course it's true, you miserable dauber!"</p> + +<p>"D-dauber!" he stammered.</p> + +<p>"Certainly! I <i>said</i> 'dauber,' and I mean it. Why, your work would shame +the pictures on a child's slate!"</p> + +<p>"Smith," he said unsteadily, "I believe I have utterly misjudged you. +I believe you are a good deal of a man, after all—"</p> + +<p>"I'm man enough," said I, fiercely, "to go back, saddle my mule, kidnap +your daughter, and start for home. And I'm going to do it!"</p> + +<p>"Wait!" he cried. "I don't want you to go. If you'll remain I'll be very +glad. I'll do anything you like. I'll quarrel with you, and you can +insult my pictures. It will agreeably stimulate us both. Don't go, +Smith—"</p> + +<p>"If I stay, may I marry Wilna?"</p> + +<p>"If you ask me I won't let you!"</p> + +<p>"Very well!" I retorted, angrily. "Then I'll marry her anyway!"</p> + +<p>"That's the way to talk! Don't go, Smith. I'm really beginning to like +you. And when Billy Green arrives you and he will have a delightfully +violent scene—"</p> + +<p>"What!"</p> + +<p>He rubbed his hands gleefully.</p> + +<p>"He's in love with Wilna. You and he won't get on. It is going to be very +stimulating for me—I can see that! You and he are going to behave most +disagreeably to each other. And I shall be exceedingly unpleasant to you +both! Come, Smith, promise me that you'll stay!"</p> + +<p>Profoundly worried, I stood staring at him in the moonlight, gnawing my +mustache.</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said, "I'll remain if—"</p> + +<p>Something checked me, I did not quite know what for a moment. Blythe, +too, was staring at me in an odd, apprehensive way. Suddenly I realised +that under my feet the ground was stirring.</p> + +<p>"Look out!" I cried; but speech froze on my lips as beneath me the solid +earth began to rock and crack and billow up into a high, crumbling ridge, +moving continually, as the sod cracks, heaves up, and crumbles above the +subterranean progress of a mole.</p> + +<p>Up into the air we were slowly pushed on the ever-growing ridge; and with +us were carried rocks and bushes and sod, and even forest trees.</p> + +<p>I could hear their tap-roots part with pistol-like reports; see great +pines and hemlocks and oaks moving, slanting, settling, tilting crazily +in every direction as they were heaved upward in this gigantic +disturbance.</p> + +<p>Blythe caught me by the arm; we clutched each other, balancing on the +crest of the steadily rising mound.</p> + +<p>"W-what is it?" he stammered. "Look! It's circular. The woods are rising +in a huge circle. What's happening? Do you know?"</p> + +<p>Over me crept a horrible certainty that <i>something living</i> was moving +under us through the depths of the earth—something that, as it +progressed, was heaping up the surface of the world above its unseen +and burrowing course—something dreadful, enormous, sinister, and +<i>alive</i>!</p> + +<p>"Look out!" screamed Blythe; and at the same instant the crumbling summit +of the ridge opened under our feet and a fissure hundreds of yards long +yawned ahead of us.</p> + +<p>And along it, shining slimily in the moonlight, a vast, viscous, ringed +surface was moving, retracting, undulating, elongating, writhing, +squirming, shuddering.</p> + +<p>"It's a worm!" shrieked Blythe. "Oh, God! It's a mile long!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs282" id="gs282"></a> +<img src="images/gs282.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + +<h3>"'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>As in a nightmare we clutched each other, struggling frantically to avoid +the fissure; but the soft earth slid and gave way under us, and we fell +heavily upon that ghastly, living surface.</p> + +<p>Instantly a violent convulsion hurled us upward; we fell on it again, +rebounding from the rubbery thing, strove to regain our feet and scramble +up the edges of the fissure, strove madly while the mammoth worm slid +more rapidly through the rocking forests, carrying us forward with a +speed increasing.</p> + +<p>Through the forest we tore, reeling about on the slippery back of the +thing, as though riding on a plowshare, while trees clashed and tilted +and fell from the enormous furrow on every side; then, suddenly out of +the woods into the moonlight, far ahead of us we could see the grassy +upland heave up, cake, break, and crumble above the burrowing course of +the monster.</p> + +<p>"It's making for the crater!" gasped Blythe; and horror spurred us on, +and we scrambled and slipped and clawed the billowing sides of the furrow +until we gained the heaving top of it.</p> + +<p>As one runs in a bad dream, heavily, half-paralyzed, so ran Blythe and I, +toiling over the undulating, tumbling upheaval until, half-fainting, we +fell and rolled down the shifting slope onto solid and unvexed sod on the +very edges of the crater.</p> + +<p>Below us we saw, with sickened eyes, the entire circumference of the +crater agitated, saw it rise and fall as avalanches of rock and earth +slid into it, tons and thousands of tons rushing down the slope, blotting +from our sight the flickering ring of flame, and extinguishing the last +filmy jet of vapour.</p> + +<p>Suddenly the entire crater caved in and filled up under my anguished +eyes, quenching for all eternity the vapour wall, the fire, and burying +the little denizens of the flames, and perhaps a billion dollars' worth +of emeralds under as many billion tons of earth.</p> + +<p>Quieter and quieter grew the earth as the gigantic worm bored straight +down into depths immeasurable. And at last the moon shone upon a world +that lay without a tremor in its milky lustre.</p> + +<p>"I shall name it <i>Verma gigantica</i>," said I, with a hysterical sob; "but +nobody will ever believe me when I tell this story!"</p> + +<p>Still terribly shaken, we turned toward the house. And, as we approached +the lamplit veranda, I saw a horse standing there and a young man hastily +dismounting.</p> + +<p>And then a terrible thing occurred; for, before I could even shriek, +Wilna had put both arms around that young man's neck, and both of his +arms were clasping her waist.</p> + +<p>Blythe was kind to me. He took me around the back way and put me to bed.</p> + +<p>And there I lay through the most awful night I ever experienced, +listening to the piano below, where Wilna and William Green were singing, +"Un Peu d'Amour."</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_EGGS_OF_THE_SILVER_MOON" id="THE_EGGS_OF_THE_SILVER_MOON"></a>THE EGGS OF THE SILVER MOON</h2> + + +<p>In the new white marble Administration Building at Bronx Park, my private +office separated the offices of Dr. Silas Quint and Professor Boomly; and +it had been arranged so on purpose, because of the increasingly frequent +personal misunderstanding between these two celebrated entomologists. +It was very plain to me that a crisis in this quarrel was rapidly +approaching.</p> + +<p>A bitter animosity had for some months existed on both sides, born of the +most intense professional jealousy. They had been friends for years. No +unseemly rivalry disturbed this friendship as long as it was merely a +question of collecting, preparing, and mounting for exhibition the vast +numbers of butterflies and moths which haunt this insectivorous earth. +Even their zeal in the eternal hunt for new and undescribed species had +not made them enemies.</p> + +<p>I am afraid that my suggestion for the construction of a great glass +flying-cage for <i>living</i> specimens of moths and butterflies started the +trouble between these hitherto godly and middle-aged men. That, and the +Carnegie Educational Medal were the causes which began this deplorable +affair.</p> + +<p>Various field collectors, employed by both Quint and Boomly, were always +out all over the world foraging for specimens; also, they were constantly +returning with spoils from every quarter of the globe.</p> + +<p>Now, to secure rare and beautiful living specimens of butterflies and +moths for the crystal flying-cage was a serious and delicate job. Such +tropical insects could not survive the journey of several months from +the wilds of Australia, India, Asia, Africa, or the jungles of South +America—nor could semi-tropical species endure the captivity of a few +weeks or even days, when captured in the West Indies, Mexico, or Florida. +Only our duller-coloured, smaller, and hardier native species tolerated +capture and exhibition.</p> + +<p>Therefore, the mode of procedure which I suggested was for our field +expeditions to obtain males and females of the same species of butterfly +or moth, mate them, and, as soon as any female deposited her eggs, place +the tiny pearl-like eggs in cold storage to retard their hatching, which +normally occurs, in the majority of species, within ten days or two +weeks.</p> + +<p>This now was the usual mode of procedure followed by the field collectors +employed by Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly. And not only were the eggs +of various butterflies and moths so packed for transportation, but a +sufficient store of their various native food-plants was also preserved, +where such food-plants could not be procured in the United States. So +when the eggs arrived at Bronx Park, and were hatched there in due time, +the young caterpillars had plenty of nourishment ready for them in cold +storage.</p> + +<p>Might I not, legitimately, have expected the Carnegie Educational +Medal for all this? I have never received it. I say this without +indignation—even without sorrow. I merely make the statement.</p> + +<p>Yet, my system was really a very beautiful system; a tiny batch of eggs +would arrive from Ceylon, or Sumatra, or Africa; when taken from cold +storage and placed in the herbarium they would presently hatch; the +caterpillars were fed with their accustomed food-plant—a few leaves +being taken from cold storage every day for them—they would pass through +their three or four moulting periods, cease feeding in due time, +transform into the chrysalis stage, and finally appear in all the +splendour and magnificence of butterfly or moth.</p> + +<p>The great glass flying-cage was now alive with superb moths and +butterflies, flitting, darting, fluttering among the flowering bushes +or feeding along the sandy banks of the brook which flowed through +the flying-cage, bordered by thickets of scented flowers. And it was +like looking at a meteoric shower of winged jewels, where the huge +metallic-blue <i>Morphos</i> from South America flapped and sailed, and the +orange and gold and green <i>Ornithoptera</i> from Borneo pursued their +majestic, bird-like flight—where big, glittering <i>Papilios</i> flashed +through the bushes or alighted nervously to feed for a few moments +on jasmine and phlox, and where the slowly flopping <i>Heliconians</i> winged +their way amid the denser tangles of tropical vegetation.</p> + +<p>Nothing like this flying-cage had ever before been seen in New York; +thousands and thousands of men, women, and children thronged the lawn +about the flying-cage all day long.</p> + +<p>By night, also, the effect was wonderful; the electric lights among the +foliage broke out; the great downy-winged moths, which had been asleep +all day while the butterflies flitted through the sunshine, now came out +to display their crimson or peacock-spotted wings, and the butterflies +folded their wings and went to bed for the night.</p> + +<p>The public was enchanted, the authorities of the Bronx proud and +delighted; all apparently was happiness and harmony. Except that nobody +offered me the Carnegie medal.</p> + +<p>I was sitting one morning in my office, which, as I have said, separated +the offices of Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly, when there came a loud +rapping on my door, and, at my invitation, Dr. Quint bustled in—a +little, meagre, excitable, near-sighted man with pointed mustaches and +a fleck of an imperial smudging his lower lip.</p> + +<p>"Last week," he began angrily, "young Jones arrived from Singapore +bringing me the eggs of <i>Erebia astarte</i>, the great Silver Moon +butterfly. Attempts to destroy them have been made. Last night I left +them in a breeding-cage on my desk. Has anybody been in there?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," I said. "What has happened?"</p> + +<p>"I found an ichneumon fly in the cage yesterday!" he shouted; "and this +morning the eggs have either shrunk to half their size or else the eggs +of another species have been secretly substituted for them and the Silver +Moon eggs stolen! Has <i>he</i> been in there?"</p> + +<p>"Who?" I asked, pretending to misunderstand.</p> + +<p>"<i>He!</i>" demanded Quint fiercely. "If he has I'll kill him some day."</p> + +<p><i>He</i> meant his one-time friend, Dr. Boomly. Alas!</p> + +<p>"For heaven's sake, why are you two perpetually squabbling?" I asked +wearily. "You used to be inseparable friends. Why can't you make up?"</p> + +<p>"Because I've come to know him. That's why! I have unmasked this—this +Borgia—this Machiavelli—this monster of duplicity! Matters are +approaching a point where something has got to be done short of murder. +I've stood all his envy and jealousy and cheap imputations and hints and +contemptible innuendoes that I'm going to—"</p> + +<p>He stopped short, glaring at the doorway, which had suddenly been +darkened by the vast bulk of Professor Boomly—a figure largely abdominal +but majestic—like the massive butt end of an elephant. For the rest, he +had a rather insignificant and peevish face and a melancholy mustache +that usually looked damp.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Smith," he said to me, in his thin, high, sarcastic voice—a voice +incongruously at variance with his bulk—"has anybody had the infernal +impudence to enter my room and nose about my desk?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, <i>I</i> have!" replied Quint excitedly. "I've been in your room. What +of it? What about it?"</p> + +<p>Boomly permitted his heavy-lidded eyes to rest on Quint for a moment, +then, turning to me:</p> + +<p>"I want a patent lock put on my door. Will you speak to Professor +Farrago?"</p> + +<p>"I want one put on mine, too!" cried Quint. "I want a lock put on my door +which will keep envious, dull-minded, mentally broken-down, impertinent, +and fat people out of my office!"</p> + +<p>Boomly flushed heavily:</p> + +<p>"Fat?" he repeated, glaring at Quint. "Did you say 'fat?'"</p> + +<p>"Yes, fat—intellectually and corporeally fat! I want that kind of +individual kept out. I don't trust them. I'm afraid of them. Their minds +are atrophied. They are unmoral, possibly even criminal! I don't want +them in my room snooping about to see what I have and what I'm doing. I +don't want them to sneak in, eaten up with jealousy and envy, and try to +damage the eggs of the Silver Moon butterfly because the honour and glory +of hatching them would probably procure for me the Carnegie Educational +Medal—"</p> + +<p>"Why, you little, dried-up, protoplasmic atom!" burst out Boomly, his +face suffused with passion, "Are you insinuating that I have any designs +on your batch of eggs?"</p> + +<p>"It's my belief," shouted Quint, "that you want that medal yourself, and +that you put an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage in hopes it would sting +the eggs of the Silver Moon."</p> + +<p>"If you found an ichneumon fly there," retorted Boomly, "you probably +hatched it in mistake for a butterfly!" And he burst into a peal of +contemptuous laughter, but his little, pig-like eyes under the heavy lids +were furious.</p> + +<p>"I now believe," said Quint, trembling with rage, "that you have +criminally substituted a batch of common <i>Plexippus</i> eggs for the Silver +Moon eggs I had in my breeding-cage! I believe you are sufficiently +abandoned to do it!"</p> + +<p>"Ha! Ha!" retorted Boomly scornfully. "I don't believe you ever +had anything in your breeding-cage except a few clothes moths and +cockroaches!"</p> + +<p>Quint began to dance:</p> + +<p>"You <i>did</i> take them!" he yelled; "and you left me a bunch of milkweed +butterflies' eggs! Give me my eggs or I shall violently assault you!"</p> + +<p>"Assault your grandmother!" remarked Boomly, with unscientific brevity. +"What do you suppose I want of your ridiculous eggs? Haven't I enough +eggs of <i>Heliconius salome</i> hatching to give me the Carnegie medal if +I want it?"</p> + +<p>"The Silver Moon eggs are unique!" cried Quint. "You know it! You know +that if they hatch, pupate, and become perfect insects that I shall +certainly be awarded—"</p> + +<p>"You'll be awarded the Matteawan medal," remarked Boomly with venom.</p> + +<p>Quint ran at him with a half-suppressed howl, his momentum carrying him +halfway up Professor Boomly's person. Then, losing foothold, he fell to +the floor and began to kick in the general direction of Professor Boomly. +It was a sorrowful sight to see these two celebrated scientists panting, +mauling, scuffling and punching each other around the room, tables and +chairs and scrapbaskets flying in every direction, and I mounted on the +window-sill horrified, speechless, trying to keep clear of the revolving +storm centre.</p> + +<p>"Where are my Silver Moon eggs!" screamed Dr. Quint. "Where are my eggs +that Jones brought me from Singapore—you entomological robber! You've +got 'em somewhere! If you don't give 'em up I'll find means to destroy +you!"</p> + +<p>"You insignificant pair of maxillary palpi!" bellowed Professor Boomly, +galloping after Dr. Quint as he dodged around my desk. "I'll pull off +those antennæ you call whiskers if I can get hold of em—"</p> + +<p>Dr. Quint's threatened mustaches bristled as he fled before the +elephantine charge of Professor Boomly—once again around my desk, then +out into the hall, where I heard the door of his office slam, and Boomly, +gasping, panting, breathing vengeance outside, and vowing to leave Quint +quite whiskerless when he caught him.</p> + +<p>It was a painful scene for scientists to figure in or to gaze upon. +Profoundly shocked and upset, I locked up the anthropological department +offices and went out into the Park, where the sun was shining and a +gentle June wind stirred the trees.</p> + +<p>Too completely upset to do any more work that day, I wandered about amid +the gaily dressed crowds at hazard; sometimes I contemplated the monkeys; +sometimes gazed sadly upon the seals. They dashed and splashed and raced +round and round their tank, or crawled up on the rocks, craned their wet, +sleek necks, and barked—houp! houp! houp!</p> + +<p>For luncheon I went over to the Rolling Stone Restaurant. There was a +very pretty girl there—an unusually pretty girl—or perhaps it was one +of those days on which every girl looked unusually pretty to me. There +are such days.</p> + +<p>Her voice was exquisite when she spoke. She said:</p> + +<p>"We have, today, corned beef hash, fried ham and eggs, liver and +bacon—" but let that pass, too.</p> + +<p>I took my tea very weak; by that time I learned that her name was Mildred +Case; that she had been a private detective employed in a department +store, and that her duties had been to nab wealthy ladies who forgot to +pay for objects usually discovered in their reticules, bosoms, and +sometimes in their stockings.</p> + +<p>But the confinement of indoor work had been too much for Mildred Case, +and the only outdoor job she could find was the position of lady +waitress in the rustic Rolling Stone Inn.</p> + +<p>She was very, very beautiful, or perhaps it was one of those days—but +let that pass, too.</p> + +<p>"You are the great Mr. Percy Smith, Curator of the Anthropological +Department, are you not?" she asked shyly.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said modestly; and, to slightly rebuke any superfluous pride in +me, I paraphrased with becoming humility, pointing upward: "but remember, +Mildred, there is One greater than I."</p> + +<p>"Mr. Carnegie?" she nodded innocently. That was true, too. I let it go at +that.</p> + +<p>We chatted: she mentioned Professor Boomly and Dr. Quint, gently +deploring the rupture of their friendship. Both gentlemen, in common with +the majority of the administration personnel, were daily customers at the +Rolling Stone Inn. I usually took my lunch from my boarding-house to my +office, being too busy to go out for mere nourishment.</p> + +<p>That is why I had hitherto missed Mildred Case.</p> + +<p>"Mildred," I said, "I do not believe it can be wholesome for a man to eat +sandwiches while taking minute measurements of defunct monkeys. Also, it +is not a fragrant pastime. Hereafter I shall lunch here."</p> + +<p>"It will be a pleasure to serve you," said that unusually—there I go +again! It was an unusually beautiful day in June. Which careful, exact, +and scientific statement, I think ought to cover the subject under +consideration.</p> + +<p>After luncheon I sadly selected a five-cent cigar; and, as I hesitated, +lingering over the glass case, undecided still whether to give full rein +to this contemplated extravagance, I looked up and found her beautiful +grey eyes gazing into mine.</p> + +<p>"What gentle thoughts are yours, Mildred?" I said softly.</p> + +<p>"The cigar you have selected," she murmured, "is fly-specked."</p> + +<p>Deeply touched that this young girl should have cared—that she should +have expressed her solicitude so modestly, so sweetly, concerning the +maculatory condition of my cigar, I thanked her and purchased, for the +same sum, a packet of cigarettes.</p> + +<p>That was going somewhat far for me. I had never in all my life even +dreamed of smoking a cigarette. To a reserved, thoughtful, and scientific +mind there is, about a packet of cigarettes, something undignified, +something vaguely frolicsome.</p> + +<p>When I paid her for them I felt as though, for the first time in my life, +I had let myself go.</p> + +<p>Oddly enough, in this uneasy feeling of gaiety and abandon, a curious +sensation of exhilaration persisted.</p> + +<p>We had quite a merry little contretemps when I tried to light my +cigarette and the match went out, and then <i>she</i> struck another match, +and we both laughed, and <i>that</i> match was extinguished by her breath.</p> + +<p>Instantly I quoted: "'Her breath was like the new-mown hay—'"</p> + +<p>"Mr. Smith!" she said, flushing slightly.</p> + +<p>"'Her eyes,' I quoted, 'were like the stars at even!'"</p> + +<p>"You don't mean <i>my</i> eyes, do you?"</p> + +<p>I took a puff at my unlighted cigarette. It also smelled like recently +mown hay. I felt that I was slipping my cables and heading toward an +unknown and tempestuous sea.</p> + +<p>"What time are you free, Mildred?" I asked, scarcely recognising my own +voice in such reckless apropos.</p> + +<p>She shyly informed me.</p> + +<p>I struck a match, relighted my cigarette, and took one puff. That was +sufficient: I was adrift. I realised it, trembled internally, took +another puff.</p> + +<p>"If," said I carelessly, "on your way home you should chance to stroll +along the path beyond the path that leads to the path which—"</p> + +<p>I paused, checked by her bewildered eyes. We both blushed.</p> + +<p>"Which way do you usually go home?" I asked, my ears afire.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="gs302" id="gs302"></a> +<img src="images/gs302.jpg" alt=""/> +</div> + + +<h3>"'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked."</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>She told me. It was a suitably unfrequented path.</p> + +<p>So presently I strolled thither; and seated myself under the trees in a +bosky dell.</p> + +<p>Now, there is a quality in boskiness not inappropriate to romantic +thoughts. Boskiness, cigarettes, a soft afternoon in June, the hum of +bees, and the distant barking of the seals, all these were delicately +blending to inspire in me a bashful sentiment.</p> + +<p>A specimen of <i>Papilio turnus</i>, di-morphic form, <i>Glaucus</i>, alighted near +me; I marked its flight with scientific indifference. Yet it is a rare +species in Bronx Park.</p> + +<p>A mock-orange bush was in snowy bloom behind me; great bunches of +wistaria hung over the rock beside me.</p> + +<p>The combination of these two exquisite perfumes seemed to make the +boskiness more bosky.</p> + +<p>There was an unaccustomed and sportive lightness to my step when I rose +to meet Mildred, where she came loitering along the shadow-dappled path.</p> + +<p>She seemed surprised to see me.</p> + +<p>She thought it rather late to sit down, but she seated herself. I talked +to her enthusiastically about anthropology. She was so interested that +after a while she could scarcely keep still, moving her slim little feet +restlessly, biting her pretty lower lip, shifting her position—all +certain symptoms of an interest in science which even approached +excitement.</p> + +<p>Warmed to the heart by her eager and sympathetic interest in the noble +science so precious, so dear to me, I took her little hand to soothe and +quiet her, realizing that she might become overexcited as I described the +pituitary body and why its former functions had become atrophied until +the gland itself was nearly obsolete.</p> + +<p>So intense her interest had been that she seemed a little tired. I +decided to give adequate material support to her spinal process. It +seemed to rest and soothe her. I don't remember that she said anything +except: "Mr. <i>Smith</i>!" I don't recollect what we were saying when she +mentioned me by name rather abruptly.</p> + +<p>The afternoon was wonderfully still and calm. The month was June.</p> + +<p>After a while—quite a while—some little time in point of accurate +fact—she detected the sound of approaching footsteps.</p> + +<p>I remember that she was seated at the opposite end of the bench, rather +feverishly occupied with her hat and her hair, when young Jones came +hastily along the path, caught sight of us, halted, turned violently +red—being a shy young man—but instead of taking himself off, he seemed +to recover from a momentary paralysis.</p> + +<p>"Mr. Smith!" he said sharply. "Professor Boomly has disappeared; there's +a pool of blood on his desk; his coat, hat, and waistcoat are lying on +the floor, the room is a wreck, and Dr. Quint is in there tearing up the +carpet and behaving like a madman. We think he suddenly went insane and +murdered Professor Boomly. What is to be done?"</p> + +<p>Horrified, I had risen at his first word. And now, as I understood the +full purport of his dreadful message, my hair stirred under my hat and +I gazed at him, appalled.</p> + +<p>"What is to be done?" he demanded. "Shall I telephone for the police?"</p> + +<p>"Do you actually believe," I faltered, "that this unfortunate man has +murdered Boomly?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know. I looked over the transom, but I couldn't see Professor +Boomly. Dr. Quint has locked the door."</p> + +<p>"And he's tearing up the carpet?"</p> + +<p>"Like a lunatic. I didn't want to call in the police until I'd asked you. +Such a scandal in Bronx Park would be a frightful thing for us all—" He +hesitated, looked around, coldly, it seemed to me, at Mildred Case. "A +scandal," he repeated, "is scarcely what might be expected among a +harmonious and earnest band of seekers after scientific knowledge. Is it, +Mil—Miss Case?"</p> + +<p>Now, I don't know why Mildred should have blushed. There was nothing that +I could see in this young man's question to embarrass her.</p> + +<p>Preoccupied, still confused by the shock of this terrible news, I looked +at Jones and at Mildred; and they were staring rather oddly at each +other.</p> + +<p>I said: "If this affair turns out to be as ghastly as it seems to +promise, we'll have to call in a detective. I'll go back immediately—"</p> + +<p>"Why not take me, also?" asked Mildred Case, quietly.</p> + +<p>"What?" I asked, looking at her.</p> + +<p>"Why not, Mr. Smith? I was once a private detective."</p> + +<p>Surprised at the suggestion, I hesitated.</p> + +<p>"If you desire to keep this matter secret—if you wish to have it first +investigated privately and quietly—would it not be a good idea to let me +use my professional knowledge before you call in the police? Because as +soon as the police are summoned all hope of avoiding publicity is at an +end."</p> + +<p>She spoke so sensibly, so quietly, so modestly, that her offer of +assistance deeply impressed me.</p> + +<p>As for young Jones, he looked at her steadily in that odd, chilling +manner, which finally annoyed me. There was no need of his being snobbish +because this very lovely and intelligent young girl happened to be a +waitress at the Rolling Stone Inn.</p> + +<p>"Come," I said unsteadily, again a prey to terrifying emotions; "let us +go to the Administration Building and learn how matters stand. If this +affair is as terrible as I fear it to be, science has received the +deadliest blow ever dealt it since Cagliostro perished."</p> + +<p>As we three strode hastily along the path in the direction of the +Administration Building, I took that opportunity to read these two +youthful fellow beings a sermon on envy, jealousy, and coveteousness.</p> + +<p>"See," said I, "to what a miserable condition the desire for notoriety +and fame has brought two learned and enthusiastic delvers in the vineyard +of endeavor! The mad desire for the Carnegie medal completely turned the +hitherto perfectly balanced brains of these devoted disciples of Science. +Envy begat envy, jealousy begat jealousy, pride begat pride, hatred begat +hatred—"</p> + +<p>"It's like that book in the Bible where everybody begat everybody else," +said Mildred seriously.</p> + +<p>At first I thought she had made an apt and clever remark; but on thinking +it over I couldn't quite see its relevancy. I turned and looked into her +sweet face. Her eyes were dancing with brilliancy and her sensitive lips +quivered. I feared, she was near to tears from the reaction of the shock. +Had Jones not been walking with us—but let that go, too.</p> + +<p>We were now entering the Administration Building, almost running; and +as soon as we came to the closed door of Dr. Quint's room, I could hear +a commotion inside—desk drawers being pulled out and their contents +dumped, curtains being jerked from their rings, an unmistakable sound +indicating the ripping up of a carpet—and through all this din the +agitated scuffle of footsteps.</p> + +<p>I rapped on the door. No notice taken. I rapped and knocked and called in +a low, distinct voice.</p> + +<p>Suddenly I recollected I had a general pass-key on my ring which unlocked +any door in the building. I nodded to Jones and to Mildred to stand +aside, then, gently fitting the key, I suddenly pushed out the key which +remained on the inside, turned the lock, and flung open the door.</p> + +<p>A terrible sight presented itself: Dr. Quint, hair on end, both mustaches +pulled out, shirt, cuffs, and white waistcoat smeared with blood, knelt +amid the general wreckage on the floor, in the act of ripping up the +carpet.</p> + +<p>"Doctor!" I cried in a trembling voice. "What have you done to Professor +Boomly?"</p> + +<p>He paused in his carpet ripping and looked around at us with a terrifying +laugh.</p> + +<p>"I've settled <i>him</i>!" he said. "If you don't want to get all over dust +you'd better keep out—"</p> + +<p>"Quint!" I cried. "Are you crazy?"</p> + +<p>"Pretty nearly. Let me alone—"</p> + +<p>"Where is Boomly!" I demanded in a tragic voice. "Where is your old +friend, Billy Boomly? Where is he, Quint? And what does <i>that</i> mean—that +pool of blood on the floor? Whose is it?"</p> + +<p>"It's Bill's," said Quint, coolly ripping up another breadth of carpet +and peering under it.</p> + +<p>"What!" I exclaimed. "Do you admit that?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly I admit it. I told him I'd terminate him if he meddled with my +Silver Moon eggs."</p> + +<p>"You mean to say that you shed blood—the blood of your old +friend—merely because he meddled with a miserable batch of butterfly's +eggs?" I asked, astounded.</p> + +<p>"I certainly did shed his blood for just that particular thing! And +listen; you're in my way—you're standing on a part of the carpet which +I want to tear up. Do you mind moving?"</p> + +<p>Such cold-blooded calmness infuriated me. I sprang at Quint, seized him, +and shouted to Jones to tie his hands behind him with the blood-soaked +handkerchief which lay on the floor.</p> + +<p>At first, while Jones and I were engaged in the operation of securing +the wretched man, Quint looked at us both as though surprised; then he +grew angry and asked us what the devil we were about.</p> + +<p>"Those who shed blood must answer for it!" I said solemnly.</p> + +<p>"What? What's the matter with you?" he demanded in a rage. "Shed blood? +What if I did? What's that to you? Untie this handkerchief, you +unmentionable idiot!"</p> + +<p>I looked at Jones:</p> + +<p>"His mind totters," I said hoarsely.</p> + +<p>"What's that!" cried Quint, struggling to get off the chair whither I had +pushed him: but with my handkerchief we tied his ankles to the rung of +the chair, heedless of his attempts to kick us, and sprang back out of +range.</p> + +<p>"Now," I said, "what have you done with the poor victim of your fury? +Where is he? Where is all that remains of Professor Boomly?"</p> + +<p>"Boomly? I don't know where he is. How the devil should I know?"</p> + +<p>"Don't lie," I said solemnly.</p> + +<p>"Lie! See here, Smith, when I get out of this chair I'll settle you, +too—"</p> + +<p>"Quint! There is another and more terrible chair which awaits such +criminals as you!"</p> + +<p>"You old fluff!" he shouted. "I'll knock your head off, too. Do you +understand? I'll attend to you as I attended to Boomly—"</p> + +<p>"Assassin!" I retorted calmly. "Only an alienist can save you now. In +this awful moment—"</p> + +<p>A light touch on my arm interrupted me, and, a trifle irritated, as any +man might be when checked in the full flow of eloquence, I turned to find +Mildred at my elbow.</p> + +<p>"Let me talk to him," she said in a quiet voice. "Perhaps I may not +irritate him as you seem to."</p> + +<p>"Very well," I said. "Jones and I are here as witnesses." And I folded my +arms in an attitude not, perhaps, unpicturesque.</p> + +<p>"Dr. Quint," said Mildred in her soft, agreeable voice, and actually +smiling slightly at the self-confessed murderer, "is it really true that +you are guilty of shedding the blood of Professor Boomly?"</p> + +<p>"It is," said Quint, coolly.</p> + +<p>She seemed rather taken aback at that, but presently recovered her +equanimity.</p> + +<p>"Why?" she asked gently.</p> + +<p>"Because he attempted a most hellish crime!" yelled Quint.</p> + +<p>"W-what crime?" she asked faintly.</p> + +<p>"I'll tell you. He wanted the Carnegie medal, and he knew it would be +given to me if I could incubate and hatch my batch of Silver Moon +butterfly eggs. He realised well enough that his Heliconian eggs were not +as valuable as my Silver Moon eggs. So first he sneaked in here and put +an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage. And next he stole the Silver Moon +eggs and left in their place some common <i>Plexippus</i> eggs, thinking that +because they were very similar I would not notice the substitution.</p> + +<p>"I did notice it! I charged him with that cataclysmic outrage. He +laughed. We came into personal collision. He chased me into my room."</p> + +<p>Panting, breathless with rage at the memory of the morning's defeat which +I had witnessed, Quint glared at me for a moment. Then he jerked his head +toward Mildred:</p> + +<p>"As soon as he went to luncheon—Boomly, I mean—I climbed over that +transom and dropped into this room. I had been hunting for ten minutes +before I found my Silver Moon eggs hidden under the carpet. So I pocketed +them, climbed back over the transom, and went to my room."</p> + +<p>He paused dramatically, staring from one to another of us:</p> + +<p>"Boomly was there!" he said slowly.</p> + +<p>"Where?" asked Mildred with a shudder.</p> + +<p>"In my room. He had picked the lock. I told him to get out! He went. +I shouted after him that I had recovered the Silver Moon eggs and that +I should certainly be awarded the Carnegie medal.</p> + +<p>"Then that monster in human form laughed a horrible laugh, avowing +himself guilty of a crime still more hideous than the theft of the Silver +Moon eggs! Do you know what he had done?"</p> + +<p>"W-what?" faltered Mildred.</p> + +<p>"He had stolen from cold storage and had concealed the leaves of the +Bimba bush, brought from Singapore to feed the Silver Moon caterpillars! +<i>That's</i> what Boomly had done!</p> + +<p><i>"And my Silver Moon eggs had already begun to hatch!!! And my +caterpillars would starve!!!!"</i></p> + +<p>His voice ended in a yell; he struggled on his chair until it nearly +upset.</p> + +<p>"You lunatic!" I shouted. "Was that a reason for spilling the blood of a +human being!"</p> + +<p>"It was reason enough for me!"</p> + +<p>"Madman!"</p> + +<p>"Let me loose! He's hidden those leaves somewhere or other! I've torn +this place to pieces looking for them. I've got to find them, I tell +you—"</p> + +<p>Mildred went to the infuriated entomologist and laid a firm hand on his +shoulder:</p> + +<p>"Listen," she said: "how do you know that Professor Boomly has not +concealed these Bimba leaves on his own person?"</p> + +<p>Quint ceased his contortions and gaped at her.</p> + +<p>"I never thought of that," he said.</p> + +<p>"What have you done with him?" she asked, very pale.</p> + +<p>"I tell you, I don't know."</p> + +<p>"You must know what you did with him," she insisted.</p> + +<p>Quint shook his head impatiently, apparently preoccupied with other +thoughts. We stood watching him in silence until he looked up and became +conscious of our concentrated gaze.</p> + +<p>"My caterpillars are starving," he began violently. "I haven't anything +else they'll eat. They feed only on the Bimba leaf. They <i>won't</i> eat +anything else. It's a well-known fact that they won't. Why, in Johore, +where they came from, they'll travel miles over the ground to find a +Bimba bush—"</p> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed Mildred.</p> + +<p>"Certainly—miles! They'd starve sooner than eat anything except Bimba +leaves. If there's a bush within twenty miles they'll find it—"</p> + +<p>"Wait," said Mildred quietly. "Where are these starving caterpillars?"</p> + +<p>"In a glass jar in my pocket—here! What the devil are you doing!" For +the girl had dexterously slipped the glass jar from his coat pocket and +was holding it up to the light.</p> + +<p>Inside it were several dozen tiny, dark caterpillars, some resting +disconsolately on the sides of the glass, some hungrily travelling over +the bottom in pitiful and hopeless quest of nourishment.</p> + +<p>Heedless of the shouts and threats of Dr. Quint, the girl calmly uncorked +the jar, took on her slender forefinger a single little caterpillar, +replaced the cork, and, kneeling down, gently disengaged the caterpillar. +It dropped upon the floor, remained motionless for a moment, then, +turning, began to travel rapidly toward the doorway behind us.</p> + +<p>"Now," she said, "if poor Professor Boomly really has concealed these +Bimba leaves upon his own person, this little caterpillar, according to +Dr. Quint, is certain to find those leaves."</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<a name="col06" id="col06"></a> +<a href="images/col06.jpg"><img src="images/col06.jpg" alt=""/></a> +</div> + +<h3>"'This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those +leaves.'"</h3> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>Overcome with excitement and admiration for this intelligent and +unusually beautiful girl, I seized her hands and congratulated her.</p> + +<p>"Murder," said I to the miserable Quint, "will out! This infant +caterpillar shall lead us to that dark and secret spot where you had +hoped to conceal the horrid evidence of your guilt. Three things have +undone you—a caterpillar replete with mysterious instinct, a humble +bunch of Bimba leaves, and the marvellous intelligence of this young and +lovely girl. Madman, your hour has struck!"</p> + +<p>He looked at me in a dazed sort of way, as though astonishment had left +him unable to articulate. But I had become tired of his violence and +his shouts and yells; so I asked Jones for his handkerchief, and, before +Quint knew what I was up to I had tied it over his mouth.</p> + +<p>He became a brilliant purple, but all he could utter was a furious +humming, buzzing noise.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, Jones had opened the door; the little caterpillar, followed by +Mildred and myself, continued to hustle along as though he knew quite +well where he was going.</p> + +<p>Down the hallway he went in undulating haste, past my door, we all +following in silent excitement as we discovered that, parallel to the +caterpillar's course, ran a gruesome trail of blood drops.</p> + +<p>And when the little creature turned and made straight for the door +of Professor Farrago, our revered chief, the excitement among us was +terrific.</p> + +<p>The caterpillar halted; I gently tried the door; it was open.</p> + +<p>Instantly the caterpillar crossed the threshold, wriggling forward at top +speed. We followed, peering fearfully around us. Nobody was visible.</p> + +<p>Could Quint have dragged his victim here? By Heaven, he had! For the +caterpillar was travelling straight under the lounge upon which Professor +Farrago was accustomed to repose after luncheon, and, dropping on one +knee, I saw a fat foot partly protruding from under the shirred edges of +the fringed drapery.</p> + +<p>"He's there!" I whispered, in an awed voice to the others.</p> + +<p>"Courage, Miss Case! Try not to faint."</p> + +<p>Jones turned and looked at her with that same odd expression; then he +went over to where she stood and coolly passed one arm around her waist.</p> + +<p>"Try not to faint, Mildred," he said. "It might muss your hair."</p> + +<p>It was a strange thing to say, but I had no time then to analyze it, for +I had seized the fat foot which partly protruded from under the sofa, +clad in a low-cut congress gaiter and a white sock.</p> + +<p>And then <i>I</i> nearly fainted, for instead of the dreadful, inert +resistance of lifeless clay, the foot wriggled and tried to kick at me.</p> + +<p>"Help!" came a thin but muffled voice. "Help! Help, in the name of +Heaven!"</p> + +<p>"Boomly!" I cried, scarcely believing my ears.</p> + +<p>"Take that man away, Smith!" whimpered Boomly. "He's a devil! He'll +murder me! He made my nose bleed all over everything!"</p> + +<p>"Boomly! You're <i>not</i> dead!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I am!" he whined. "I'm dead enough to suit me. Keep that little +lunatic off—that's all I ask. He can have his Carnegie medal for all +I care, only tie him up somewhere—"</p> + +<p>"Professor Boomly!" cried Mildred excitedly. "Have you any Bimba leaves +concealed about your person?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, I have," he said sulkily. There came a hitch of the fat foot, a +heavy scuffling sound, heavy panting, and then, skittering out across the +floor came a flat, sealed parcel.</p> + +<p>"There you are," he said; "now, let me alone until that fiend has gone +home."</p> + +<p>"He won't attack you again," I said. "Come out."</p> + +<p>But Professor Boomly flatly declined to stir.</p> + +<p>I looked at the parcel: it was marked: "Bimba leaves; Johore."</p> + +<p>With a sigh of unutterable relief, I picked up the ravenous little +caterpillar, placed him on the packet, and turned to go. And didn't.</p> + +<p>It is a very sickening fact I have now to record. But to a scientist all +facts are sacred, sickening or otherwise.</p> + +<p>For what I caught a glimpse of, just outside the door in the hallway, +was Jones kissing Mildred Case. And being shyly indemnified for his +trouble with a gentle return in kind. Both his arms were around her +waist; both her hands rested upon his shoulders; and, as I looked—but +let it pass!—let it pass.</p> + +<p>Deliberately I fished in my pocket, found my packet of cigarettes, +lighted one.</p> + +<p><i>Tobacco diffugiunt mordaces curae et laetificat cor hominis!</i></p> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. 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@@ -0,0 +1,7068 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. Chambers + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Police!!! + +Author: Robert W. Chambers + +Illustrator: Henry Hutt + +Release Date: June 6, 2006 [EBook #18515] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLICE!!! *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Shell, Mary Meehan and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration: "Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and +alert."] + + + + + POLICE!!! + + BY ROBERT W. CHAMBERS + + ILLUSTRATED BY HENRY HUTT + + NEW YORK AND LONDON + D. APPLETON AND COMPANY + 1915 + + + + +TO LOUISE JOCELYN + + + + + All the pretty things you say, + All the pretty things you do + In your own delightful way + Make me fall in love with you, + Turning Autumn into May. + + Every day is twice as gay + Just because of you, Louise! + Which is going some, you say? + In my dull, pedantic way + I am fashioning my lay + Just because I want to please. + + Just because the things you say, + Just because the things you do + In your clever, charming way + Make me fall in love with you. + That is all, my dear, to-day. + +R.W.C. + +_Christmas, 1915._ + + + + +FOREWORD + + + Give me no gold nor palaces + Nor quarts of gems in chalices + Nor mention me in Who is Who + I'd rather roam abroad with you + Investigating sky and land, + Volcanoes, lakes, and glacial sand + I'd rather climb with all my legs + To find a nest of speckled eggs, + Or watch the spotted spider spin + Or see a serpent shed its skin! + Give me no star-and-garter blue! + I'd rather roam around with you. + + Flatten me not with flattery! + Walk with me to the Battery, + And see in glassy tanks the seals, + The sturgeons, flounders, smelt and eels + Disport themselves in ichthyic curves-- + And when it gets upon our nerves + Then, while our wabbling taxi honks + I'll tell you all about the Bronx, + Where captive wild things mope and stare + Through grills of steel that bar each lair + Doomed to imprisonment for life-- + And you may go and take your wife. + + Come to the Park[1] with me; + I'll show you crass stupidity + Which sentences the hawk and fox + To inactivity, and locks + The door of freedom on the lynx + Where puma pines and eagle stinks. + Never a slaver's fetid hold + Has held the misery untold + That crowds the great cats' kennels where + Their vacant eyes glare blank despair + Half crazed by sloth, half dazed by fear + All day, all night, year after year. + + To the swift, clean things that cleave the air + To the swift, clean things that cleave the sea + To the swift, clean things that brave and dare + Forest and peak and prairie free, + A cage to craze and stifle and stun + And a fat man feeding a penny bun + And a she-one giggling, "Ain't it grand!" + As she drags a dirty-nosed brat by the hand. + + +[Footnote 1: Central Park, filthiest, cruellest and most outrageous of +zoological exhibitions.] + + + + +PREFACE + + +On a beautiful day in spring as I was running as hard as I could run +pursued by the New York police and a number of excited citizens, my mind, +which becomes brilliantly active under physical exhilaration, began to +work busily. + +I thought about all sorts of things: I thought about hard times and +financial depression and about our great President who is in a class +all alone with himself and soon to become extinct; I thought about +art and why there isn't any when it's talked about; I thought of +macro-lepidoptera, of metagrammatism, monoliths, manicures, and monsoons. + +And all the time I was running as fast as I could run; and the faster I +ran the more things I thought about until my terrific pace set my brain +whizzing like a wheel. + +I felt no remorse at having published these memoirs of my life--which was +why the police and populace were pursuing me, maddened to frenzy by the +fearless revelation of mighty scientific truths in this little volume you +are about to attempt to read. _Ubicumque ars ostentatur, veritas abesse +videtur!_ + +I thought about it clearly, calmly, concisely as I fled. The maddened +shouts of the prejudiced populace did not disturb me. Around and around +the Metropolitan Museum of Art I ran; the inmates of that institution +came out to watch me and they knew at a glance that I was one of them for +they set up a clamor like a bunch of decoy ducks when one of their wild +comrades comes whirling by. + +"Police! Police!" they shouted; but I went careering on uptown, afraid +only that the park squirrels might club together to corner me. There are +corners in grain. Why not in--but let that pass. + +I took the park wall in front of the great Mr. Carnegie's cottage at a +single bound. He stood on his terrace and shouted, "Police!" He was quite +logical. + +The Equal Franchise Society was having a May party in the park near the +Harlem Mere. They had chosen the Honorable William Jennings Bryan as +Queen of the May. He wore low congress-gaiters and white socks; he was +walking under a canopy, crowned with paper flowers, his hair curled over +his coat collar, the tips of his fingers were suavely joined over his +abdomen. + +The moment he caught sight of me he shouted, "Police!" + +He was right. The cabinet lacked only me. + +And I might have consented to tarry--might have allowed myself to be +apprehended for political purposes, had not a nobler, holier, more +imperative duty urged me northward still. + +Though all Bloomingdale shouted, "Stop him!" and all Matteawan yelled, +"Police!" I should not have consented to pause. Even the quackitudinous +recognition spontaneously offered by the Metropolitan Museum had not been +sufficient to decoy me to my fellows. + +I knew, of course, that I could find a sanctuary and a welcome in many +places--in almost any sectarian edifice, any club, any newspaper office, +any of the great publishers', any school, any museum; I knew that I would +be welcomed at Columbia University, at the annex to the Hall of Fame, in +the Bishop's Palace on Morningside Heights--there were many places all +ready to receive, understand and honour me. + +For a sufficiently crippled intellect, for a still-born brain, for the +intellectually aborted, there is always a place on some editorial, +sectarian, or educational staff. + +Try It! + +But I had other ideas as I galloped northward. The voiceless summons of +the most jealous of mistresses was making siren music in my ears. That +coquettish jade, Science, was calling me by wireless, and I was +responding with both legs. + +And so, at last, I arrived at the Bronx Park and dashed into the +Administration Building where everybody rose and cheered me to the echo. + +I was at home at last, unterrified, undismayed, and ready again as always +to dedicate my life to the service of Truth and to every caprice and whim +of my immortal mistress, Science. But I don't want to marry her. + +_Magna est veritas! Sed major et longinquo reverentia._ + + + + +CONTENTS + +The Third Eye + +The Immortal + +The Ladies of the Lake + +One Over + +Un Peu d'Amour + +The Eggs of the Silver Moon + + + + +LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS + + +"Dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes wide and alert" + +"Climbing about among the mangroves above the water" + +"To see him feed made me sick" + +"'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He's one of them! Knock him flat with your +riflestock!'" + +"Say, listen, Bo--I mean Prof., I've got the goods'" + +"He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the music might lure +a cave-girl down the hill" + +"Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs" + +"I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one" + +"The heavy artillery was evidently frightened" + +"Somebody had swooned in his arms, too" + +"'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death it will be murder'" + +"Then a horrible thing occurred" + +"I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her" + +"Out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_" + +"Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record the scientific +triumph of the ages" + +"'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked" + +"Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce leaves" + +"'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. Smith!'" + +"Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage" + +"'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe" + +"'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked" + +"This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those leaves'" + + + + +POLICE!!! + + + + +Being a few deathless truths concerning several mysteries recently and +scientifically unravelled by a modest servant of Science. + +_Quo quisque stultior, eo magis insolescit._ + + + + +THE THIRD EYE + + +Although the man's back was turned toward me, I was uncomfortably +conscious that he was watching me. How he could possibly be watching +me while I stood directly behind him, I did not ask myself; yet, +nevertheless, instinct warned me that I was being inspected; that +somehow or other the man was staring at me as steadily as though he and +I had been face to face and his faded, sea-green eyes were focussed upon +me. + +It was an odd sensation which persisted in spite of logic, and of which +I could not rid myself. Yet the little waitress did not seem to share it. +Perhaps she was not under his glassy inspection. But then, of course, I +could not be either. + +No doubt the nervous tension incident to the expedition was making me +supersensitive and even morbid. + +Our sail-boat rode the shallow torquoise-tinted waters at anchor, rocking +gently just off the snowy coral reef on which we were now camping. The +youthful waitress who, for economy's sake, wore her cap, apron, collar +and cuffs over her dainty print dress, was seated by the signal fire +writing in her diary. Sometimes she thoughtfully touched her pencil point +with the tip of her tongue; sometimes she replenished the fire from a +pile of dead mangrove branches heaped up on the coral reef beside her. +Whatever she did she accomplished gracefully. + +As for the man, Grue, his back remained turned toward us both and he +continued, apparently, to scan the horizon for the sail which we all +expected. And all the time I could not rid myself of the unpleasant idea +that somehow or other he was looking at me, watching attentively the +expression of my features and noting my every movement. + +The smoke of our fire blew wide across leagues of shallow, sparkling +water, or, when the wind veered, whirled back into our faces across the +reef, curling and eddying among the standing mangroves like fog drifting. + +Seated there near the fire, from time to time I swept the horizon with my +marine glasses; but there was no sign of Kemper; no sail broke the far +sweep of sky and water; nothing moved out there save when a wild duck +took wing amid the dark raft of its companions to circle low above the +ocean and settle at random, invisible again except when, at intervals, +its white breast flashed in the sunshine. + +Meanwhile the waitress had ceased to write in her diary and now sat with +the closed book on her knees and her pencil resting against her lips, +gazing thoughtfuly at the back of Grue's head. + +It was a ratty head of straight black hair, and looked greasy. The rest +of him struck me as equally unkempt and dingy--a youngish man, lean, +deeply bitten by the sun of the semi-tropics to a mahogany hue, and +unusually hairy. + +I don't mind a brawny, hairy man, but the hair on Grue's arms and chest +was a rusty red, and like a chimpanzee's in texture, and sometimes a +wildly absurd idea possessed me that the man needed it when he went about +in the palm forests without his clothes. + +But he was only a "poor white"--a "cracker" recruited from one of the +reefs near Pelican Light, where he lived alone by fishing and selling his +fish to the hotels at Heliatrope City. The sail-boat was his; he figured +as our official guide on this expedition--an expedition which already had +begun to worry me a great deal. + +For it was, perhaps, the wildest goose chase and the most absurdly +hopeless enterprise ever undertaken in the interest of science by the +Bronx Park authorities. + +Nothing is more dreaded by scientists than ridicule; and it was in spite +of this terror of ridicule that I summoned sufficient courage to organize +an exploring party and start out in search of something so extraordinary, +so hitherto unheard of, that I had not dared reveal to Kemper by letter +the object of my quest. + +No, I did not care to commit myself to writing just yet; I had merely +sent Kemper a letter to join me on Sting-ray Key. + +He telegraphed me from Tampa that he would join me at the rendezvous; and +I started directly from Bronx Park for Heliatrope City; arrived there in +three days; found the waitress all ready to start with me; inquired about +a guide and discovered the man Grue in his hut off Pelican Light; made my +bargain with him; and set sail for Sting-ray Key, the most excited and +the most nervous young man who ever had dared disaster in the sacred +cause of science. + +Everything was now at stake, my honour, reputation, career, fortune. For, +as chief of the Anthropological Field Survey Department of the great +Bronx Park Zooelogical Society, I was perfectly aware that no scientific +reputation can survive ridicule. + +Nevertheless, the die had been cast, the Rubicon crossed in a sail-boat +containing one beachcombing cracker, one hotel waitress, a pile of +camping kit and special utensils, and myself! + +How was I going to tell Kemper? How was I going to confess to him that I +was staking my reputation as an anthropologist upon a letter or two and +a personal interview with a young girl--a waitress at the Hotel Gardenia +in Heliatrope City? + + * * * * * + +I lowered my sea-glasses and glanced sideways at the waitress. She was +still chewing the end of her pencil, reflectively. + +She was a pretty girl, one Evelyn Grey, and had been a country +school-teacher in Massachusetts until her health broke. + +Florida was what she required; but that healing climate was possible to +her only if she could find there a self-supporting position. + +Also she had nourished an ambition for a postgraduate education, with +further aspirations to a Government appointment in the Smithsonian +Institute. + +All very worthy, no doubt--in fact, particularly commendable because the +wages she saved as waitress in a Florida hotel during the winter were her +only means of support while studying for college examinations during the +summer in Boston, where she lived. + +Yet, although she was an inmate of Massachusetts, her face and figure +would have ornamented any light-opera stage. I never looked at her but +I thought so; and her cuffs and apron merely accentuated the delusion. +Such ankles are seldom seen when the curtain rises after the overture. +Odd that frivolous thoughts could flit through an intellect dedicated +only to science! + +The man, Grue, had not stirred from his survey of the Atlantic Ocean. He +had a somewhat disturbing capacity for remaining motionless--like a +stealthy and predatory bird which depends on immobility for aggressive +and defensive existence. + +The sea-wind fluttered his cotton shirt and trousers and the tattered +brim of his straw hat. And always I felt as though he were watching me +out of the back of his ratty head, through the ravelled straw brim that +sagged over his neck. + +The pretty waitress had now chewed the end of her pencil to a +satisfactory pulp, and she was writing again in her diary, very intently, +so that my cautious touch on her arm seemed to startle her. + +Meeting her inquiring eyes I said in a low voice: + +"I am not sure why, but I don't seem to care very much for that man, +Grue. Do you?" + +She glanced at the water's edge, where Grue stood, immovable, his back +still turned to us. + +"I never liked him," she said under her breath. + +"Why?" I asked cautiously. + +She merely shrugged her shoulders. She did it gracefully. + +I said: + +"Have you any particular reason for disliking him?" + +"He's dirty." + +"He _looks_ dirty, yet every day he goes into the sea and swims about. He +ought to be clean enough." + +She thought for a moment, then: + +"He seems, somehow, to be fundamentally unclean--I don't mean that he +doesn't wash himself. But there are certain sorts of animals and birds +and other creatures from which one instinctively shrinks--not, perhaps, +because they are materially unclean--" + +"I understand," I said. After a silence I added: "Well, there's no chance +now of sending him back, even if I were inclined to do so. He appears to +be familiar with these latitudes. I don't suppose we could find a better +man for our purpose. Do you?" + +"No. He was a sponge fisher once, I believe." + +"Did he tell you so?" + +"No. But yesterday, when you took the boat and cruised to the south, I +sat writing here and keeping up the fire. And I saw Grue climbing about +among the mangroves over the water in a most uncanny way; and two +snake-birds sat watching him, and they never moved. + +"He didn't seem to see them; his back was toward them. And then, all at +once, he leaped backward at them where they sat on a mangrove, and he got +one of them by the neck--" + +[Illustration: "Climbing about among the mangroves above the +water."] + +"What!" + +The girl nodded. + +"By the neck," she repeated, "and down they went into the water. And what +do you suppose happened?" + +"I can't imagine," said I with a grimace. + +"Well, Grue went under, still clutching the squirming, flapping bird; and +he _stayed_ under." + +"Stayed under the _water_?" + +"Yes, longer than any sponge diver I ever heard of. And I was becoming +frightened when the bloody bubbles and feathers began to come up--" + +"_What_ was he doing under water?" + +"He must have been tearing the bird to pieces. Oh, it was quite +unpleasant, I assure you, Mr. Smith. And when he came up and looked +at me out of those very vitreous eyes he resembled something horridly +amphibious.... And I felt rather sick and dizzy." + +"He's got to stop that sort of thing!" I said angrily. "Snake-birds are +harmless and I won't have him killing them in that barbarous fashion. +I've warned him already to let birds alone. I don't know how he catches +them or why he kills them. But he seems to have a mania for doing it--" + +I was interrupted by Grue's soft and rather pleasant voice from the +water's edge, announcing a sail on the horizon. He did not turn when +speaking. + +The next moment I made out the sail and focussed my glasses on it. + +"It's Professor Kemper," I announced presently. + +"I'm so glad," remarked Evelyn Grey. + +I don't know why it should have suddenly occurred to me, apropos of +nothing, that Billy Kemper was unusually handsome. Or why I should +have turned and looked at the pretty waitress--except that she was, +perhaps, worth gazing upon from a purely non-scientific point of view. In +fact, to a man not entirely absorbed in scientific research and not +passionately and irrevocably wedded to his profession, her violet-blue +eyes and rather sweet mouth might have proved disturbing. + +As I was thinking about this she looked up at me and smiled. + +"It's a good thing," I thought to myself, "that I am irrevocably wedded +to my profession." And I gazed fixedly across the Atlantic Ocean. + + * * * * * + +There was scarcely sufficient breeze of a steady character to bring +Kemper to Sting-ray Key; but he got out his sweeps when I hailed him and +came in at a lively clip, anchoring alongside of our boat and leaping +ashore with that unnecessary dash and abandon which women find pleasing. + +Glancing sideways at my waitress through my spectacles, I found her +looking into a small hand mirror and patting her hair with one slim and +suntanned hand. + +When Professor Kemper landed on the coral he shot a curious look at Grue, +and then came striding across the reef to me. + +"Hello, Smithy!" he said, holding out his hand. "Here I am, you see! Now +what's up--" + +Just then Evelyn Grey got up from her seat beside the fire; and Kemper +turned and gazed at her with every symptom of unfeigned approbation. + +I introduced him. Evelyn Grey seemed a trifle indifferent. A good-looking +man doesn't last long with a clever woman. I smiled to myself, polishing +my spectacles gleefully. Yet, I had no idea why I was smiling. + +We three people turned and walked toward the comb of the reef. A solitary +palm represented the island's vegetation, except, of course, for the +water-growing mangroves. + +I asked Miss Grey to precede us and wait for us under the palm; +and she went forward in that light-footed way of hers which, to any +non-scientific man, might have been a trifle disturbing. It had no effect +upon me. Besides, I was looking at Grue, who had gone to the fire and was +evidently preparing to fry our evening meal of fish and rice. I didn't +like to have him cook, but I wasn't going to do it myself; and my pretty +waitress didn't know how to cook anything more complicated than beans. +We had no beans. + +Kemper said to me: + +"Why on earth did you bring a waitress?" + +"Not to wait on table," I replied, amused. "I'll explain her later. +Meanwhile, I merely want to say that you need not remain with this +expedition if you don't want to. It's optional with you." + +"That's a funny thing to say!" + +"No, not funny; sad. The truth is that if I fail I'll be driven into +obscurity by the ridicule of my brother scientists the world over. I had +to tell them at the Bronx what I was going after. Every man connected +with the society attempted to dissuade me, saying that the whole thing +was absurd and that my reputation would suffer if I engaged in such a +ridiculous quest. So when you hear what that girl and I are after out +here in the semi-tropics, and when you are in possession of the only +evidence I have to justify my credulity, if you want to go home, go. +Because I don't wish to risk your reputation as a scientist unless you +choose to risk it yourself." + +He regarded me curiously, then his eyes strayed toward the palm-tree +which Evelyn Grey was now approaching. + +"All right," he said briefly, "let's hear what's up." + +So we moved forward to rejoin the girl, who had already seated herself +under the tree. + +She looked very attractive in her neat cuffs, tiny cap, and pink print +gown, as we approached her. + +"Why does she dress that way?" asked Kemper, uneasily. + +"Economy. She desires to use up the habiliments of a service which there +will be no necessity for her to reenter if this expedition proves +successful." + +"Oh. But Smithy--" + +"What?" + +"Was it--moral--to bring a waitress?" + +"Perfectly," I replied sharply. "Science knows no sex!" + +"I don't understand how a waitress can be scientific," he muttered, "and +there seems to be no question about her possessing plenty of sex--" + +"If that girl's conclusions are warranted," I interrupted coldly, "she is +a most intelligent and clever person. _I_ think they are warranted. If +you don't, you may go home as soon as you like." + +I glanced at him; he was smiling at her with that strained politeness +which alters the natural expression of men in the imminence of a +conversation with a new and pretty woman. + +I often wonder what particular combination of facial muscles are brought +into play when that politely receptive expression transforms the normal +and masculine features into a fixed simper. + +When Kemper and I had seated ourselves, I calmly cut short the small talk +in which he was already indulging, and to which, I am sorry to say, my +pretty waitress was beginning to respond. I had scarcely thought it of +her--but that's neither here nor there--and I invited her to recapitulate +the circumstances which had resulted in our present foregathering here on +this strip of coral in the Atlantic Ocean. + +She did so very modestly and without embarrassment, stating the case and +reviewing the evidence so clearly and so simply that I could see how +every word she uttered was not only amazing but also convincing Kemper. + +When she had ended he asked a few questions very seriously: + +"Granted," he said, "that the pituitary gland represents what we assume +it represents, how much faith is to be placed in the testimony of a +Seminole Indian?" + +"A Seminole Indian," she replied, "has seldom or never been known to lie. +And where a whole tribe testify alike the truth of what they assert can +not be questioned." + +"How did you make them talk? They are a sullen, suspicious people, +haughty, uncommunicative, seldom even replying to an ordinary question +from a white man." + +"They consider me one of them." + +"Why?" he asked in surprise. + +"I'll tell you why. It came about through a mere accident. I was waitress +at the hotel; it happened to be my afternoon off; so I went down to the +coquina dock to study. I study in my leisure moments, because I wish to +fit myself for a college examination." + +Her charming face became serious; she picked up the hem of her apron and +continued to pleat it slowly and with precision as she talked: + +"There was a Seminole named Tiger-tail sitting there, his feet dangling +above his moored canoe, evidently waiting for the tide to turn before he +went out to spear crayfish. I merely noticed he was sitting there in the +sunshine, that's all. And then I opened my mythology book and turned to +the story of Argus, on which I was reading up. + +"And this is what happened: there was a picture of the death of Argus, +facing the printed page which I was reading--the well-known picture where +Juno is holding the head of the decapitated monster--and I had read +scarcely a dozen words in the book before the Seminole beside me leaned +over and placed his forefinger squarely upon the head of Argus. + +"'Who?' he demanded. + +"I looked around good-humoredly and was surprised at the evident +excitement of the Indian. They're not excitable, you know. + +"'That,' said I, 'is a Greek gentleman named Argus.' I suppose he thought +I meant a Minorcan, for he nodded. Then, without further comment, he +placed his finger on Juno. + +"'_Who?_' he inquired emphatically. + +"I said flippantly: 'Oh, that's only my aunt, Juno.' + +"'Aunty of you?' + +"'Yes.' + +"'She kill 'um Three-eye?' + +"Argus had been depicted with three eyes. + +"'Yes,' I said, 'my Aunt Juno had Argus killed.' + +"'Why kill 'um?' + +"'Well, Aunty needed his eyes to set in the tails of the peacocks which +drew her automobile. So when they cut off the head of Argus my aunt had +the eyes taken out; and that's a picture of how she set them into the +peacock.' + +"'Aunty of _you_?' he repeated. + +"'Certainly,' I said gravely; 'I am a direct descendant of the Goddess of +Wisdom. That's why I'm always studying when you see me down on the dock +here.' + +"_'You Seminole!_' he said emphatically. + +"'Seminole,' I repeated, puzzled. + +"'You Seminole! Aunty Seminole--_you_ Seminole!' + +"'Why, Tiger-tail?' + +"'Seminole hunt Three-eye long time--hundred, hundred year--hunt 'um +Three-eye, kill 'um Three-eye.' + +"'You say that for hundreds of years the Seminoles have hunted a creature +with three eyes?' + +"'Sure! Hunt 'um now!' + +"'_Now?_' + +"'Sure!' + +"'But, Tiger-tail, if the legends of your people tell you that the +Seminoles hunted a creature with three eyes hundreds of years ago, +certainly no such three-eyed creatures remain today?' + +"'Some.' + +"'What! Where?' + +"'Black Bayou.' + +"'Do you mean to tell me that a living creature with three eyes still +inhabits the forests of Black Bayou?' + +"'Sure. Me see 'um. Me kill 'um three-eye man.' + +"'You have killed a man who had _three eyes_?' + +"'Sure!' + +"'A man? _With three eyes?_' + +"'Sure.'" + + * * * * * + +The pretty waitress, excitedly engrossed in her story, was unconsciously +acting out the thrilling scene of her dialogue with the Indian, even +imitating his voice and gestures. And Kemper and I listened and watched +her breathlessly, fascinated by her lithe and supple grace as well as by +the astounding story she was so frankly unfolding with the consummate +artlessness of a natural actress. + +She turned her flushed face to us: + +"I made up my mind," she said, "that Tiger-tail's story was worth +investigating. It was perfectly easy for me to secure corroboration, +because that Seminole went back to his Everglade camp and told every one +of his people that I was a white Seminole because my ancestors also +hunted the three-eyed man and nobody except a Seminole could know that +such a thing as a three-eyed man existed. + +"So, the next afternoon off, I embarked in Tiger-tail's canoe and he +took me to his camp. And there I talked to his people, men and women, +questioning, listening, putting this and that together, trying to +discover some foundation for their persistent statements concerning men, +still living in the jungles of Black Bayou, who had three eyes instead +of two. + +"All told the same story; all asserted that since the time their records +ran the Seminoles had hunted and slain every three-eyed man they could +catch; and that as long as the Seminoles had lived in the Everglades the +three-eyed men had lived in the forests beyond Black Bayou." + +She paused, dramatically, cooling her cheeks in her palms and looking +from Kemper to me with eyes made starry by excitement. + +"And _what_ do you think!" she continued, under her breath. "To prove +what they said they brought for my inspection a skull. And then two more +skulls like the first one. + +"Every skull had been painted with Spanish red; the coarse black hair +still stuck to the scalps. And, behind, just over where the pituitary +gland is situated, was a hollow, bony orbit--unmistakably the socket of +a _third eye_!" + +"W-where are those skulls?" demanded Kemper, in a voice not entirely +under control. + +"They wouldn't part with one of them. I tried every possible persuasion. +On my own responsibility, and even before I communicated with Mr. +Smith--" turning toward me, "--I offered them twenty thousand dollars for +a single skull, staking my word of honour that the Bronx Museum would +pay that sum. + +"It was useless. Not only do the Seminoles refuse to part with one of +those skulls, but I have also learned that I am the first person with a +white skin who has ever even heard of their existence--so profoundly have +these red men of the Everglades guarded their secret through centuries." + +After a silence Kemper, rather pale, remarked: + +"This is a most astonishing business, Miss Grey." + +"What do you think about it?" I demanded. "Is it not worth while for us +to explore Black Bayou?" + +He nodded in a dazed sort of way, but his gaze remained riveted on the +girl. Presently he said: + +"Why does Miss Grey go?" + +She turned in surprise: + +"Why am I going? But it is _my_ discovery--_my_ contribution to science, +isn't it?" + +"Certainly!" we exclaimed warmly and in unison. And Kemper added: "I was +only thinking of the dangers and hardships. Smith and I could do the +actual work--" + +"Oh!" she cried in quick protest, "I wouldn't miss one moment of the +excitement, one pain, one pang! I _love_ it! It would simply break my +heart not to share every chance, hazard, danger of this expedition--every +atom of hope, excitement, despair, uncertainty--and the ultimate +success--the unsurpassable thrill of exultation in the final instant +of triumph!" + +She sprang to her feet in a flash of uncontrollable enthusiasm, and stood +there, aglow with courage and resolution, making a highly agreeable +picture in her apron and cuffs, the sea wind fluttering the bright +tendrils of her hair under her dainty cap. + +We got to our feet much impressed; and now absolutely convinced that +there did exist, somewhere, descendants of prehistoric men in whom the +third eye--placed in the back of the head for purposes of defensive +observation--had not become obsolete and reduced to the traces which we +know only as the pituitary body or pituitary gland. + +Kemper and I were, of course, aware that in the insect world the ocelli +served the same purpose that the degenerate pituitary body once served in +the occiput of man. + +As we three walked slowly back to the campfire, where our evening meal +was now ready, Evelyn Grey, who walked between us, told us what she +knew about the hunting of these three-eyed men by the Seminoles--how +intense was the hatred of the Indians for these people, how murderously +they behaved toward any one of them whom they could track down and catch. + +"Tiger-tail told me," she went on, "that in all probability the strange +race was nearing extinction, but that all had not yet been exterminated +because now and then, when hunting along Black Bayou, traces of living +three-eyed men were still found by him and his people. + +"No later than last week Tiger-tail himself had startled one of these +strange denizens of Black Bayou from a meal of fish; and had heard him +leap through the bushes and plunge into the water. It appears that +centuries of persecution have made these three-eyed men partly +amphibious--that is, capable of filling their lungs with air and +remaining under water almost as long as a turtle." + +"That's impossible!" said Kemper bluntly. + +"I thought so myself," she said with a smile, "until Tiger-tail told me +a little more about them. He says that they can breathe through the pores +of their skins; that their bodies are covered with a thick, silky hair, +and that when they dive they carry down with them enough air to form a +sort of skin over them, so that under water their bodies appear to be +silver-plated." + +"Good Lord!" faltered Kemper. "That is a little too much!" + +"Yet," said I, "that is exactly what air-breathing water beetles do. The +globules of air, clinging to the body-hairs, appear to silver-plate them; +and they can remain below indefinitely, breathing through spiracles. +Doubtless the skin pores of these men have taken on the character of +spiracles." + +"You know," he said in a curious, flat voice, which sounded like +the tones of a partly stupified man, "this whole business is so +grotesque--apparently so wildly absurd--that it's having a sort of +nightmare effect on me." And, dropping his voice to a whisper close to +my ear: "Good heavens!" he said. "Can you reconcile such a creature as +we are starting out to hunt, with anything living known to science?" + +"No," I replied in guarded tones. "And there are moments, Kemper, since +I have come into possession of Miss Grey's story, when I find myself +seriously doubting my own sanity." + +"I'm doubting mine, now," he whispered, "only that girl is so fresh and +wholesome and human and sane--" + +"She is a very clever girl," I said. + +"And really beautiful!" + +"She is intelligent," I remarked. There was a chill in my tone which +doubtless discouraged Kemper, for he ventured nothing further concerning +her superficially personal attractions. + +After all, if any questions of priority were to arise, the pretty +waitress was _my_ discovery. And in the scientific world it is an +inflexible rule that he who first discovers any particular specimen of +any species whatever is first entitled to describe and comment upon that +specimen without interference or unsolicited advice from anybody. + +Maybe there was in my eye something that expressed as much. For when +Kemper caught my cold gaze fixed upon him he winced and looked away like +a reproved setter dog who knew better. Which also, for the moment, put an +end to the rather gay and frivolous line of small talk which he had again +begun with the pretty waitress. + +I was exceedingly surprised at Professor William Henry Kemper, D.F. + +As we approached the campfire the loathsome odour of frying mullet +saluted my nostrils. + +Kemper, glancing at Grue, said aside to me: + +"That's an odd-looking fellow. What is he? Minorcan?" + +"Oh, just a beachcomber. I don't know what he is. He strikes me as +dirty--though he can't be so, physically. I don't like him and I don't +know why. And I wish we'd engaged somebody else to guide us." + +Toward dawn something awoke me and I sat up in my blanket under the moon. +But my leg had not been pulled. + +Kemper snored at my side. In her little dog-tent the pretty waitress +probably was fast asleep. I knew it because the string she had tied to +one of her ornamental ankles still lay across the ground convenient to my +hand. In any emergency I had only to pull it to awake her. + +A similar string, tied to my ankle, ran parallel to hers and disappeared +under the flap of her tent. This was for her to pull if she liked. She +had never yet pulled it. Nor I the other. Nevertheless I truly felt that +these humble strings were, in a subtler sense, ties that bound us +together. No wonder Kemper's behaviour had slightly irritated me. + +I looked up at the silver moon; I glanced at Kemper's unlovely bulk, +swathed in a blanket; I contemplated the dog-tent with, perhaps, that +slight trace of sentiment which a semi-tropical moon is likely to inspire +even in a jellyfish. And suddenly I remembered Grue and looked for him. + +He was accustomed to sleep in his boat, but I did not see him in either +of the boats. Here and there were a few lumpy shadows in the moonlight, +but none of them was Grue lying prone on the ground. Where the devil had +he gone? + +Cautiously I untied my ankle string, rose in my pajamas, stepped into my +slippers, and walked out through the moonlight. + +There was nothing to hide Grue, no rocks or vegetation except the +solitary palm on the back-bone of the reef. + +I walked as far as the tree and looked up into the arching fronds. Nobody +was up there. I could see the moonlit sky through the fronds. Nor was +Grue lying asleep anywhere on the other side of the coral ridge. + +And suddenly I became aware of all my latent distrust and dislike for the +man. And the vigour of my sentiments surprised me because I really had +not understood how deep and thorough my dislike had been. + +Also, his utter disappearance struck me as uncanny. Both boats were +there; and there were many leagues of sea to the nearest coast. + +Troubled and puzzled I turned and walked back to the dead embers of the +fire. Kemper had merely changed the timbre of his snore to a whistling +aria, which at any other time would have enraged me. Now, somehow, it +almost comforted me. + +Seated on the shore I looked out to sea, racking my brains for an +explanation of Grue's disappearance. And while I sat there racking them, +far out on the water a little flock of ducks suddenly scattered and rose +with frightened quackings and furiously beating wings. + +For a moment I thought I saw a round, dark object on the waves where the +flock had been. + +And while I sat there watching, up out of the sea along the reef to my +right crawled a naked, dripping figure holding a dead duck in his mouth. + +Fascinated, I watched it, recognising Grue with his ratty black hair all +plastered over his face. + +Whether he caught sight of me or not, I don't know; but he suddenly +dropped the dead duck from his mouth, turned, and dived under water. + +It was a grim and horrid species of sport or pastime, this amphibious +business of his, catching wild birds and dragging them about as though +he were an animal. + +Evidently he was ashamed of himself, for he had dropped the duck. I +watched it floating by on the waves, its head under water. Suddenly +something jerked it under, a fish perhaps, for it did not come up and +float again, as far as I could see. + +When I went back to camp Grue lay apparently asleep on the north side of +the fire. I glanced at him in disgust and crawled into my tent. + +The next day Evelyn Grey awoke with a headache and kept her tent. I had +all I could do to prevent Kemper from prescribing for her. I did that +myself, sitting beside her and testing her pulse for hours at a time, +while Kemper took one of Grue's grains and went off into the mangroves +and speared grunt and eels for a chowder which he said he knew how to +concoct. + +Toward afternoon the pretty waitress felt much better, and I warned +Kemper and Grue that we should sail for Black Bayou after dinner. + + * * * * * + +Dinner was a mess, as usual, consisting of fried mullet and rice, and a +sort of chowder in which the only ingredients I recognised were sections +of crayfish. + +After we had finished and had withdrawn from the fire, Grue scraped every +remaining shred of food into a kettle and went for it. To see him feed +made me sick, so I rejoined Miss Grey and Kemper, who had found a green +cocoanut and were alternately deriving nourishment from the milk inside +it. + +[Illustration: "To see him feed made me sick."] + +Somehow or other there seemed to me a certain levity about that +performance, and it made me uncomfortable; but I managed to smile a +rather sickly smile when they offered me a draught, and I took a pull at +the milk--I don't exactly know why, because I don't like it. But the moon +was up over the sea, now, and the dusk was languorously balmy, and I +didn't care to leave those two drinking milk out of the same cocoanut +under a tropic moon. + +Not that my interest in Evelyn Grey was other than scientific. But after +all it was I who had discovered her. + +We sailed as soon as Grue, gobbling and snuffling, had cleaned up the +last crumb of food. Kemper blandly offered to take Miss Grey into his +boat, saying that he feared my boat was overcrowded, what with the +paraphernalia, the folding cages, Grue, Miss Grey, and myself. + +I sat on that suggestion, but offered to take my own tiller and lend him +Grue. He couldn't wriggle out of it, seeing that his alleged motive had +been the overcrowding of my boat, but he looked rather sick when Grue +went aboard his boat. + +As for me, I hoisted sail with something so near a chuckle that it +surprised me; and I looked at Evelyn Grey to see whether she had noticed +the unseemly symptom. + +Apparently she had not. She sat forward, her eyes fixed soulfully upon +the moon. Had I been dedicated to any profession except a scientific +one--but let that pass. + +Grue in Kemper's sail-boat led, and my boat followed out into the silvery +and purple dusk, now all sparkling under the high lustre of the moon. + +Dimly I saw vast rafts of wild duck part and swim leisurely away to port +and starboard, leaving a glittering lane of water for us to sail through; +into the scintillant night from the sea sprang mullet, silvery, +quivering, falling back into the wash with a splash. + +Here and there in the moonlight steered ominous black triangles, circling +us, leading us, sheering across bow and flashing wake, all phosphorescent +with lambent sea-fire--the fins of great sharks. + +"You need have no fear," said I to the pretty waitress. + +She said nothing. + +"Of course if you _are_ afraid," I added, "perhaps you might care to +change your seat." + +There was room in the stern where I sat. + +"Do you think there is any danger?" she asked. + +"From sharks?" + +"Yes." + +"Reaching up and biting you?" + +"Yes." + +"Oh, I don't really suppose there is," I said, managing to convey the +idea, I am ashamed to say, that the catastrophe was a possibility. + +She came over and seated herself beside me. I was very much ashamed of +myself, but I could not repress a triumphant glance ahead at the other +boat, where Kemper sat huddled forward, evidently bored to extinction. + +Every now and then I could see him turn and crane his neck as though in +an effort to distinguish what was going on in our boat. + +There was nothing going on, absolutely nothing. The moon was magnificent; +and I think the pretty waitress must have been a little tired, for her +head drooped and nodded at moments, even while I was talking to her about +a specimen of _Euplectilla speciosa_ on which I had written a monograph. +So she must have been really tired, for the subject was interesting. + +"You won't incommode my operations with sheet and tiller," I said to her +kindly, "if you care to rest your head against my shoulder." + +Evidently she was very tired, for she did so, and closed her eyes. + +After a while, fearing that she might fall over backward into the +sea--but let that pass.... I don't know whether or not Kemper could +distinguish anything aboard our boat. He craned his head enough to twist +it off his neck. + +To be so utterly, so blindly devoted to science is a great safeguard for +a man. Single-mindedness, however, need not induce atrophy of every +humane impulse. I drew the pretty waitress closer--not that the night was +cold, but it might become so. Changes in the tropics come swiftly. It is +well to be prepared. + +Her cheek felt very soft against my shoulder. There seemed to be a faint +perfume about her hair. It really was odd how subtly fragrant she seemed +to be--almost, perhaps, a matter of scientific interest. + +Her hands did not seem to be chilled; they did seem unusually smooth and +soft. + +I said to her: "When at home, I suppose your mother tucks you in; doesn't +she?" + +"Yes," she nodded sleepily. + +"And what does she do then?" said I, with something of that ponderous +playfulness with which I make scientific jokes at a meeting of the Bronx +Anthropological Association, when I preside. + +"She kisses me and turns out the light," said Evelyn Grey, innocently. + +I don't know how much Kemper could distinguish. He kept dodging about and +twisting his head until I really thought it would come off, unless it had +been screwed on like the top of a piano stool. + +A few minutes later he fired his pistol twice; and Evelyn sat up. I never +knew why he fired; he never offered any explanation. + +Toward midnight I could hear the roar of breakers on our starboard bow. +Evelyn heard them, too, and sat up inquiringly. + +"Grue has found the inlet to Black Bayou, I suppose," said I. + +And it proved to be the case, for, with the surf thundering on either +hand, we sailed into a smoothly flowing inlet through which the flood +tide was running between high dunes all sparkling in the moonlight and +crowned with shadowy palms. + +Occasionally I heard noises ahead of us from the other boat, as though +Kemper was trying to converse with us, but as his apropos was as +unintelligible as it was inopportune, I pretended not to hear him. +Besides, I had all I could do to manoeuvre the tiller and prevent Evelyn +Grey from falling off backward into the bayou. Besides, it is not +customary to converse with the man at the helm. + +After a while--during which I seemed to distinguish in Kemper's voice a +quality that rhymes with his name--his tones varied through phases all +the way from irony to exasperation. After a while he gave it up and took +to singing. + +There was a moon, and I suppose he thought he had a voice. It didn't +strike me so. After several somewhat melancholy songs, he let off his +pistol two or three times and then subsided into silence. + +I didn't care; neither his songs nor his shots interrupted--but let that +pass, also. + +We were now sailing into the forest through pool after pool of +interminable lagoons, startling into unseen and clattering flight +hundreds of waterfowl. I could feel the wind from their whistling +wings in the darkness, as they drove by us out to sea. It seemed to +startle the pretty waitress. It is a solemn thing to be responsible for +a pretty girl's peace of mind. I reassured her continually, perhaps a +trifle nervously. But there were no more pistol shots. Perhaps Kemper had +used up his cartridges. + +We were still drifting along under drooping sails, borne inland almost +entirely by the tide, when the first pale, watery, gray light streaked +the east. When it grew a little lighter, Evelyn sat up; all danger of +sharks being over. Also, I could begin to see what was going on in the +other boat. Which was nothing remarkable; Kemper slumped against the +mast, his head turned in our direction; Grue sat at the helm, motionless, +his tattered straw hat sagging on his neck. + +When the sun rose, I called out cheerily to Kemper, asking him how he had +passed the night. Evelyn also raised her head, pausing while bringing her +disordered hair under discipline, to listen to his reply. + +But he merely mumbled something. Perhaps he was still sleepy. + +As for me, I felt exceedingly well; and when Grue turned his craft in +shore, I did so, too; and when, under the overhanging foliage of the +forest, the nose of my boat grated on the sand, I rose and crossed the +deck with a step distinctly frolicsome. + +Kemper seemed distant and glum; Evelyn Grey spoke to him shyly now and +then, and I noticed she looked at him only when he was gazing elsewhere +than at her. She had a funny, conciliatory air with him, half ashamed, +partly humorous and amused, as though something about Kemper's sulky +ill-humour was continually making tiny inroads on her gravity. + +Some mullet had jumped into the two boats--half a dozen during our +moonlight voyage--and these were now being fried with rice for us by +Grue. Lord! How I hated to eat them! + +After we had finished breakfast, Grue, as usual, did everything to the +remainder except to get into the fry-pan with both feet; and as usual he +sickened me. + +When he'd cleaned up everything, I sent him off into the forest to +find a dry shell-mound for camping purposes; then I made fast both +boats, and Kemper and I carried ashore our paraphernalia, spare +_batterie-de-cuisine_, firearms, fishing tackle, spears, harpoons, +grains, oars, sails, spars, folding cage--everything with which a +strictly scientific expedition is usually burdened. + +Evelyn was washing her face in the crystal waters of a branch that flowed +into the lagoon from under the live-oaks. She looked very pretty doing +it, like a naiad or dryad scrubbing away at her forest toilet. + +It was, in fact, such a pretty spectacle that I was going over to sit +beside her while she did it, but Kemper started just when I was going to, +and I turned away. Some men invariably do the wrong thing. But a handsome +man doesn't last long with a pretty girl. + +I was thinking of this as I stood contemplating an alligator slide, when +Grue came back saying that the shore on which we had landed was the +termination of a shell-mound, and that it was the only dry place he had +found. + +So I bade him pitch our tents a few feet back from the shore; and stood +watching him while he did so, one eye reverting occasionally to Evelyn +Grey and Kemper. They both were seated cross-legged beside the branch, +and they seemed to be talking a great deal and rather earnestly. I +couldn't quite understand what they found to talk about so earnestly and +volubly all of a sudden, inasmuch as they had heretofore exchanged very +few observations during a most brief and formal acquaintance, dating only +from sundown the day before. + +Grue set up our three tents, carried the luggage inland, and then hung +about for a while until the vast shadow of a vulture swept across the +trees. + +I never saw such an indescribable expression on a human face as I saw +on Grue's as he looked up at the huge, unclean bird. His vitreous eyes +fairly glittered; the corners of his mouth quivered and grew wet; and to +my astonishment he seemed to emit a low, mewing noise. + +"What the devil are you doing?" I said impulsively, in my amazement and +disgust. + +He looked at me, his eyes still glittering, the corners of his mouth +still wet; but the curious sounds had ceased. + +"What?" he asked. + +"Nothing. I thought you spoke." I didn't know what else to say. + +He made no reply. Once, when I had partly turned my head, I was aware +that he was warily turning his to look at the vulture, which had alighted +heavily on the ground near the entrails and heads of the mullet, where he +had cast them on the dead leaves. + +I walked over to where Evelyn Grey and Kemper sat so busily conversing; +and their volubility ceased as they glanced up and saw me approaching. +Which phenomenon both perplexed and displeased me. + +I said: + +"This is the Black Bayou forest, and we have the most serious business +of our lives before us. Suppose you and I start out, Kemper, and see if +there are any traces of what we are after in the neighborhood of our +camp." + +"Do you think it safe to leave Miss Grey alone in camp?" he asked +gravely. + +I hadn't thought of that: + +"No, of course not," I said. "Grue can stay." + +"I don't need anybody," she said quickly. "Anyway, I'm rather afraid of +Grue." + +"Afraid of Grue?" I repeated. + +"Not exactly afraid. But he's--unpleasant." + +"I'll remain with Miss Grey," said Kemper politely. + +"Oh," she exclaimed, "I couldn't ask that. It is true that I feel a +little tired and nervous, but I can go with you and Mr. Smith and Grue--" + +I surveyed Kemper in cold perplexity. As chief of the expedition, I +couldn't very well offer to remain with Evelyn Grey, but I didn't propose +that Kemper should, either. + +"Take Grue," he suggested, "and look about the woods for a while. Perhaps +after dinner Miss Grey may feel sufficiently rested to join us." + +"I am sure," she said, "that a few hours' rest in camp will set me on my +feet. All I need is rest. I didn't sleep very soundly last night." + +I felt myself growing red, and I looked away from them both. + +"Oh," said Kemper, in apparent surprise, "I thought you had slept soundly +all night long." + +"Nobody," said I, "could have slept very pleasantly during that musical +performance of yours." + +"Were you singing?" she asked innocently of Kemper. + +"He was singing when he wasn't firing off his pistol," I remarked. "No +wonder you couldn't sleep with any satisfaction to yourself." + +Grue had disappeared into the forest; I stood watching for him to come +out again. After a few minutes I heard a furious but distant noise of +flapping; the others also heard it; and we listened in silence, wondering +what it was. + +"It's Grue killing something," faltered Evelyn Grey, turning a trifle +pale. + +"Confound it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to stop that right now." + +Kemper rose and followed me as I started for the woods; but as we passed +the beached boats Grue appeared from among the trees. + +"Where have you been?" I demanded. + +"In the woods." + +"Doing what?" + +"Nothing." + +There was a bit of down here and there clinging to his cotton shirt and +trousers, and one had caught and stuck at the corner of his mouth. + +"See here, Grue," I said, "I don't want you to kill any birds except for +camp purposes. Why do you try to catch and kill birds?" + +"I don't." + +I stared at the man and he stared back at me out of his glassy eyes. + +"You mean to say that you don't, somehow or other, manage to catch and +kill birds?" + +"No, I don't." + +There was nothing further for me to say unless I gave him the lie. I +didn't care to do that, needing his services. + +Evelyn Grey had come up to join us; there was a brief silence; we +all stood looking at Grue; and he looked back at us out of his pale, +washed-out, and unblinking eyes. + +"Grue," I said, "I haven't yet explained to you the object of this +expedition to Black Bayou. Now, I'll tell you what I want. But first let +me ask you a question or two. You know the Black Bayou forests, don't +you?" + +"Yes." + +"Did you ever see anything unusual in these forests?" + +"No." + +"Are you sure?" + +The man stared at us, one after another. Then he said: + +"What are you looking for in Black Bayou?" + +"Something very curious, very strange, very unusual. So strange and +unusual, in fact, that the great Zooelogical Society of the Bronx in New +York has sent me down here at the head of this expedition to search the +forests of Black Bayou." + +"For what?" he demanded, in a dull, accentless voice. + +"For a totally new species of human being, Grue. I wish to catch one and +take it back to New York in that folding cage." + +His green eyes had grown narrow as though sun-dazzled. Kemper had stepped +behind us into the woods and was now busy setting up the folding cage. +Grue remained motionless. + +"I am going to offer you," I said, "the sum of one thousand dollars in +gold if you can guide us to a spot where we may see this hitherto unknown +species--a creature which is apparently a man but which has, in the back +of his head, a _third eye_--" + +I paused in amazement: Grue's cheeks had suddenly puffed out and were +quivering; and from the corners of his slitted mouth he was emitting a +whimpering sound like the noise made by a low-circling pigeon. + +"Grue!" I cried. "What's the matter with you?" + +"What is _he_ doing?" screamed Grue, quivering from head to foot, but not +turning around. + +"Who?" I cried. + +"The man behind me!" + +"Professor Kemper? He's setting up the folding cage--" + +With a screech that raised my hair, Grue whipped out his murderous knife +and _hurled himself backward_ at Kemper, but the latter shrank aside +behind the partly erected cage, and Grue whirled around, snarling, +hacking, and even biting at the wood frame and steel bars. + +And then occurred a thing so horrid that it sickened me to the pit of my +stomach; for the man's sagging straw hat had fallen off, and there, in +the back of his head, through the coarse, black, ratty hair, I saw a +glassy eye glaring at me. + +"Kemper!" I shouted. "He's got a third eye! He's one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!" And I seized a shot-gun from the top of +the baggage bundle on the ground beside me, and leaped at Grue, aiming +a terrific blow at him. + +[Illustration: "'Kemper!' I shouted.... 'He is one of them! Knock him +flat with your riflestock!'"] + +But the glassy eye in the back of his head was watching me between the +clotted strands of hair, and he dodged both Kemper and me, swinging his +heavy knife in circles and glaring at us both out of the front and back +of his head. + +Kemper seized him by his arm, but Grue's shirt came off, and I saw his +entire body was as furry as an ape's. And all the while he was snapping +at us and leaping hither and thither to avoid our blows; and from the +corners of his puffed cheeks he whined and whimpered and mewed through +the saliva foam. + +"Keep him from the water!" I panted, following him with clubbed shot-gun; +and as I advanced I almost stepped on a soiled heap of foulness--the dead +buzzard which he had caught and worried to death with his teeth. + +Suddenly he threw his knife at my head, hurling it backward; dodged, +screeched, and bounded by me toward the shore of the lagoon, where the +pretty waitress was standing, petrified. + +For one moment I thought he had her, but she picked up her skirts, ran +for the nearest boat, and seized a harpoon; and in his fierce eagerness +to catch her he leaped clear over the boat and fell with a splash into +the lagoon. + +As Kemper and I sprang aboard and looked over into the water, we +could see him going down out of reach of a harpoon; and his body seemed +to be silver-plated, flashing and glittering like a burnished eel, so +completely did the skin of air envelope him, held there by the fur that +covered him. + +And, as he rested for a moment on the bottom, deep down through the clear +waters of the lagoon where he lay prone, I could see, as the current +stirred his long, black hair, the third eye looking up at us, glassy, +unwinking, horrible. + + * * * * * + +A bubble or two, like globules of quicksilver, were detached from the +burnished skin of air that clothed him, and came glittering upward. + +Suddenly there was a flash; a flurrying cloud of blue mud; and Grue was +gone. + + * * * * * + +After a long while I turned around in the muteness of my despair. And +slowly froze. + +For the pretty waitress, becomingly pale, was gathered in Kemper's arms, +her cheek against his shoulder. Neither seemed to be aware of me. + +"Darling," he said, in the imbecile voice of a man in love, "why do you +tremble so when I am here to protect you? Don't you love and trust me?" + +"Oo--h--yes," she sighed, pressing her cheek closer to his shoulder. + +I shoved my hands into my pockets, passed them without noticing them, and +stepped ashore. + +And there I sat down under a tree, with my back toward them, all alone +and face to face with the greatest grief of my life. + +But which it was--the loss of her or the loss of Grue, I had not yet made +up my mind. + + + + +THE IMMORTAL + + + + +I + + +As everybody knows, the great majority of Americans, upon reaching the +age of natural selection, are elected to the American Institute of Arts +and Ethics, which is, so to speak, the Ellis Island of the Academy. + +Occasionally a general mobilization of the Academy is ordered and, from +the teeming population of the Institute, a new Immortal is selected for +the American Academy of Moral Endeavor by the simple process of +blindfolded selection from _Who's Which_. + +The motto of this most stately of earthly institutions is a peculiarly +modest, truthful, and unintentional epigram by Tupper: + +"Unknown, I became Famous; Famous, I remain Unknown." + +And so I found it to be the case; for, when at last I was privileged to +write my name, "Smith, Academician," I discovered to my surprise that I +knew none of my brother Immortals, and, more amazing still, none of them +had ever heard of me. + +This latter fact became the more astonishing to me as I learned the +identity of the other Immortals. + +Even the President of our great republic was numbered among these +Olympians. I had every right to suppose that he had heard of me. I had +happened to hear of him, because his Secretary of State once mentioned +him at Chautauqua. + +It was a wonderfully meaningless sensation to know nobody and to discover +myself equally unknown amid that matchless companionship. We were like a +mixed bunch of gods, Greek, Norse, Hindu, Hottentot--all gathered on +Olympus, having never heard of each other but taking it for granted that +we were all gods together and all members of this club. + +My initiation into the Academy had been fixed for April first, and I was +much worried concerning the address which I was of course expected to +deliver on that occasion before my fellow members. + +It had to be an exciting address because slumber was not an infrequent +phenomenon among the Immortals on such solemn occasions. Like dozens of +dozing Joves a dull discourse always set them nodding. + +But always under such circumstances the pretty ushers from Barnard +College passed around refreshments; a suffragette orchestra struck up; +the ushers uprooted the seated Immortals and fox-trotted them into +comparative consciousness. + +But I didn't wish to have my inaugural address interrupted, therefore I +was at my wits' ends to discover a subject of such exciting scientific +interest that my august audience could not choose but listen as +attentively as they would listen from the front row to some deathless +stunt in vaudeville. + +That morning I had left the Bronx rather early, hoping that a long walk +might compose my thoughts and enable me to think of some sufficiently +entertaining and unusual subject for my inaugural address. + +I walked as far as Columbia University, gazed with rapture upon its +magnificent architecture until I was as satiated as though I had arisen +from a banquet at Childs'. + +To aid mental digestion I strolled over to the noble home of the Academy +and Institute adjoining Mr. Huntington's Hispano-Moresque Museum. + +It was a fine, sunny morning, and the Immortals were being exercised by a +number of pretty ushers from Barnard. + +I gazed upon the impressive procession with pride unutterable; very soon +I also should walk two and two in the sunshine, my dome crowned with +figurative laurels, cracking scientific witticisms with my fellow +inmates, or, perhaps, squeezing the pretty fingers of some--But let that +pass. + +I was, as I say, gazing upon this inspiring scene on a beautiful morning +in February, when I became aware of a short and visibly vulgar person +beside me, plucking persistently at my elbow. + +"Are you the great Academician, Perfessor Smith?" he asked, tipping his +pearl-coloured and somewhat soiled bowler. + +"Yes," I said condescendingly. "Your description of me precludes further +doubt. What can I do for you, my good man?" + +"Are you this here Perfessor Smith of the Department of Anthropology in +the Bronx Park Zooelogical Society?" he persisted. + +"What do you desire of me?" I repeated, taking another look at him. He +was exceedingly ordinary. + +"Prof, old sport," he said cordially, "I took a slant at the papers +yesterday, an' I seen all about the big time these guys had when you rode +the goat--" + +"Rode--_what_?" + +"When you was elected. Get me?" + +I stared at him. He grinned in a friendly way. + +"The privacy of those solemn proceedings should remain sacred. It were +unfit to discuss such matters with the world at large," I said coldly. + +"I get you," he rejoined cheerfully. + +"What do you desire of me?" I repeated. "Why this unseemly apropos?" + +"I was comin' to it. Perfessor, I'll be frank. I need money--" + +"You need brains!" + +"No," he said good-humouredly, "I've got 'em; plenty of 'em; I'm +overstocked with idees. What I want to do is to sell _you_ a few--" + +"Do you know you are impudent!" + +"Listen, friend. I seen a piece in the papers as how you was to make the +speech of your life when you ride the goat for these here guys on April +first--" + +"I decline to listen--" + +"_One_ minute, friend! I want to ask you one thing! _What_ are you going +to talk about?" + +I was already moving away but I stopped and stared at him. + +"That's the question," he nodded with unimpaired cheerfulness, "_what_ +are you going to talk about on April _the_ first? Remember it's the +hot-air party of your life. _Ree_-member that each an' every paper in the +United States will print what you say. Now, how about it, friend? Are you +up in your lines?" + +Swallowing my repulsion for him I said: "Why are you concerned as to what +may be the subject of my approaching address?" + +"There you are, Prof!" he exclaimed delightedly; "I want to do business +with you. That's me! I'm frank about it. Say, there ought to be a wad of +the joyful in it for us both--" + +"What?" + +"Sure. We can work it any old way. Take Tyng, Tyng and Company, the +typewriter people. I'd be ashamed to tell you what I can get out o' +them if you'll mention the Tyng-Tyng typewriter in your speech--" + +"What you suggest is infamous!" I said haughtily. + +"Believe _me_ there's enough in it to make it a financial coup, and I ask +you, Prof, isn't a financial coup respectable?" + +"You seem to be morally unfitted to comprehend--" + +"Pardon _me_! I'm fitted up regardless with all kinds of fixtures. I'm +fixed to undertake anything. Now if you'd prefer the Bunsen Baby Biscuit +bunch--why old man Bunsen would come across--" + +"I won't do such things!" I said angrily. + +"Very well, very well. Don't get riled, sir. That's only one way to build +on Fifth Avenoo. I've got one hundred thousand other ways--" + +"I don't want to talk to you--" + +"They're honest--some of them. Say, if you want a stric'ly honest deal +I've got the goods. Only it ain't as easy and the money ain't as big--" + +"I don't want to talk to you--" + +"Yes you do. You don't reelize it but you do. Why you're fixin' to make +the holler of your life, ain't you? What are you goin' to say? Hey? +What you aimin' to say to make those guys set up? What's the use of +up-stagin'? Ain't you willin' to pay me a few plunks if I _dy_-vulge to +you the most startlin' phenomena that has ever electrified civilization +sense the era of P.T. Barnum!" + +I was already hurrying away when the mention of that great scientist's +name halted me once more. + +The little flashy man had been tagging along at my heels, talking +cheerfully and volubly all the while; and now, as I halted again, he +struck an attitude, legs apart, thumbs hooked in his arm-pits, and his +head cocked knowingly on one side. + +"Prof," he said, "if you'd work in the Tyng-Tyng Company, or fix it up +with Bunsen to mention his Baby Biscuits as the most nootritious of +condeements, there'd be more in it for you an' me. But it's up to you." + +"Well I won't!" I retorted. + +"Very well, ve-ry well," he said soothingly. "Then look over another line +o' samples. No trouble to show 'em--none at all, sir! Now if P.T. +Barnum was alive--" + +I said very seriously: "The name of that great discoverer falling from +your illiterate lips has halted me a second time. His name alone invests +your somewhat suspicious conversation with a dignity and authority +heretofore conspicuously absent. If, as you hint, you have any scientific +information for sale which P.T. Barnum might have considered worth +purchasing, you may possibly find in me a client. Proceed, young sir." + +"Say, listen, Bo--I mean, Prof. I've got the goods. Don't worry. I've got +information in my think-box that would make your kick-in speech the event +of the century. The question remains, do I get mine?" + +[Illustration: "'Say, listen, Bo--I mean, Prof. I've got the goods.'"] + +"What is this scientific information?" + +We had now walked as far as Riverside Drive. There were plenty of +unoccupied benches. I sat down and he seated himself beside me. + +For a few moments I gazed upon the magnificent view. Even he seemed awed +by the proportions of the superb iron gas tank dominating the prospect. + +I gazed at the colossal advertisements across the Hudson, at the freight +trains below; I gazed upon the lordly Hudson itself, that majestic sewer +which drains the Empire State, bearing within its resistless flood +millions of tons of insoluble matter from that magic fairyland which we +call "up-state," to the sea. And, thinking of disposal plants, I thought +of that sublime paraphrase--"From the Mohawk to the Hudson, and from the +Hudson to the Sea." + +"Bo," he said, "I gotta hand it to you. Them guys might have got wise if +you had worked in the Tyng-Tyng Company or the Bunsen stuff. There was +big money into it, but it might not have went." + +I waited curiously. + +"But this here dope I'm startin' in to cook for you is a straight, +reelible, an' hones' pill. P.T. Barnum he would have went a million miles +to see what I seen last Janooary down in the Coquina country--" + +"Where is that?" + +"Say; that's what costs money to know. When I put you wise I'm due to +retire from actyve business. Get me?" + +"Go on." + +"Sure. I was down to the Coquina country, a-doin'--well, I was doin' +rubes. I gotta be hones' with _you_, Prof. That's what I was a-doin' +of--sellin' farms under water to suckers. Bee-u-tiful Florida! Own your +own orange grove. Seven crops o' strawberries every winter in Gawd's own +country--get me?" + +He bestowed upon me a loathsome wink. + +"Well, it went big till I made a break and got in Dutch with the Navy +Department what was surveyin' the Everglades for a safe and sane harbor +of refuge for the navy in time o' war. + +"Sir, they was a-dredgin' up the farms I was sellin', an' the suckers +heard of it an' squealed somethin' fierce, an' I had to hustle! Yes, sir, +I had to git up an' mosey cross-lots. And what with the Federal Gov'ment +chasin' me one way an' them rubes an' the sheriff of Pickalocka County +racin' me t'other, I got lost for fair--yes, sir." + +He smiled reminiscently, produced from his pockets the cold and offensive +remains of a partly consumed cigar, and examined it critically. Then he +requested a match. + +"I shall now pass over lightly or in subdood silence the painful events +of my flight," he remarked, waving his cigar and expelling a long squirt +of smoke from his unshaven lips. "Surfice it to say that I got everythin' +that was comin' to me, an' then some, what with snakes and murskeeters, +an' briers an' mud, an' hunger an' thirst an' heat. Wasn't there a wop +named Pizarro or somethin' what got lost down in Florida? Well, he's got +nothin' on me. I never want to see the dam' state again. But I'll go back +if _you_ say so!" + +His small rat eyes rested musingly upon the river; he sucked thoughtfully +at his cigar, hooked one soiled thumb into the armhole of his fancy vest +and crossed his legs. + +"To resoom," he said cheerily; "I come out one day, half nood, onto the +banks of the Miami River. The rest was a pipe after what I had went +through. + +"I trimmed a guy at Miami, got clothes and railroad fare, an' ducked. + +"Now the valyble portion of my discourse is this here partial information +concernin' what I seen--or rather what I run onto durin' my crool flight +from my ree-lentless persecutors. + +"An' these here is the facts: There is, contrary to maps, Coast Survey +guys, an' general opinion, a range of hills in Florida, made entirely of +coquina. + +"It's a good big range, too, fifty miles long an' anywhere from one to +five miles acrost. + +"An' what I've got to say is this: Into them there Coquina hills there +still lives the expirin' remains of the cave-men--" + +"What!" I exclaimed incredulously. + +"Or," he continued calmly, "to speak more stric'ly, the few individools +of that there expirin' race is now totally reduced to a few women." + +"Your statement is wild--" + +"No; but they're wild. I seen 'em. Bein' extremely bee-utiful I +approached nearer, but they hove rocks at me, they did, an' they run into +the rocks like squir'ls, they did, an' I was too much on the blink to +stick around whistlin' for dearie. + +"But I seen 'em; they was all dolled up in the skins of wild annermals. +When I see the first one she was eatin' onto a ear of corn, an' I nearly +ketched her, but she run like hellnall--yes, sir. Just like that. + +"So next I looked for some cave guy to waltz up an' paste me, but no. An' +after I had went through them dam' Coquina mountains I realized that +there was nary a guy left in this here expirin' race, only women, an' +only about a dozen o' them." + +He ceased, meditatively expelled a cloud of pungent smoke, and folded his +arms. + +"Of course," said I with a sneer, "you have proofs to back your pleasant +tale?" + +"Sure. I made a map." + +"I see," said I sarcastically. "You propose to have me pay you for that +map?" + +"Sure." + +"How much, my confiding friend?" + +"Ten thousand plunks." + +I began to laugh. He laughed, too: "You'll pay 'em if you take my map an' +go to the Coquina hills," he said. + +I stopped laughing: "Do you mean that I am to go there and investigate +before I pay you for this information?" + +"Sure. If the goods ain't up to sample the deal is off." + +"Sample? What sample?" I demanded derisively. + +He made a gesture with one soiled hand as though quieting a balky horse. + +"I took a snapshot, friend. You wanta take a slant at it?" + +"You took a photograph of one of these alleged cave-dwellers?" + +"I took ten but when these here cave-ladies hove rocks at me the fillums +was put on the blink--all excep' this one which I dee-veloped an' +printed." + +He drew from his inner coat pocket a photograph and handed it to me--the +most amazing photograph I ever gazed upon. Astounded, almost convinced +I sat looking at this irrefutable evidence in silence. The smoke of his +cigar drifting into my face aroused me from a sort of dazed inertia. + +"Listen," I said, half strangled, "are you willing to wait for payment +until I personally have verified the existence of these--er--creatures?" + +"You betcher! When you have went there an' have saw the goods, just let +me have mine if they're up to sample. Is that right?" + +"It seems perfectly fair." + +"It is fair. I wouldn't try to do a scientific guy--no, sir. Me without +no eddycation, only brains? Fat chance I'd have to put one over on a +Academy sport what's chuck-a-block with Latin an' Greek an' scientific +stuff an' all like that!" + +I admitted to myself that he'd stand no chance. + +"Is it a go?" he asked. + +"Where is the map?" I inquired, trembling internally with excitement. + +"Ha--ha!" he said. "Listen to my mirth! The map is inside here, old +sport!" and he tapped his retreating forehead with one nicotine-stained +finger. + +"I see," said I, trying to speak carelessly; "you desire to pilot me." + +"I don't desire to but I gotta go with you." + +"An accurate map--" + +"Can it, old sport! A accurate map is all right when it's pasted over the +front of your head for a face. But I wear the other kind of map _inside_ +me conk. Get me?" + +"I confess that I do not." + +"Well, get _this_, then. It's a cash deal. If the goods is up to sample +you hand me mine then an' there. I don't deliver no goods f.o.b. I shows +'em to you. After you have saw them it's up to you to round 'em up. +That's all, as they say when our great President pulls a gun. There ain't +goin' to be no shootin'; walk out quietly, ladies!" + +After I had sat there for fully ten minutes staring at him I came to the +only logical conclusion possible to a scientific mind. + +I said: "You are, admittedly, unlettered; you are confessedly a +chevalier of industry; personally you are exceedingly distasteful to me. +But it is useless to deny that you are the most extraordinary man I ever +saw.... How soon can you take me to these Coquina hills?" + +"Gimme twenty-four hours to--fix things," he said gaily. + +"Is that all?" + +"It's plenty, I guess. An'--say!" + +"What?" + +"It's a stric'ly cash deal. Get me?" + +"I shall have with me a certified check for ten thousand dollars. Also a +pair of automatics." + +He laughed: "Huh!" he said, "I could loco your cabbage-palm soup if I was +_that_ kind! I'm on the level, Perfessor. If I wasn't I could get you in +about a hundred styles while you was blinkin' at what you was a-thinkin' +about. But I ain't no gun-man. You hadn't oughta pull that stuff on me. +I've give you your chanst; take it or leave it." + +I pondered profoundly for another ten minutes. And at last my decision +was irrevocably reached. + +"It's a bargain," I said firmly. "What is your name?" + +"Sam Mink. Write it Samuel onto that there certyfied check--if you can +spare the extra seconds from your valooble time." + + + + +II + +On Monday, the first day of March, 1915, about 10:30 a.m., we +came in sight of something which, until I had met Mink, I never had +dreamed existed in southern Florida--a high range of hills. + +It had been an eventless journey from New York to Miami, from Miami to +Fort Coquina; but from there through an absolutely pathless wilderness as +far as I could make out, the journey had been exasperating. + +Where we went I do not know even now: saw-grass and water, hammock and +shell mound, palm forests, swamps, wildernesses of water-oak and +live-oak, vast stretches of pine, lagoons, sloughs, branches, muddy +creeks, reedy reaches from which wild fowl rose in clouds where +alligators lurked or lumbered about after stranded fish, horrible +mangrove thickets full of moccasins and water-turkeys, heronry more +horrible still, out of which the heat from a vertical sun distilled the +last atom of nauseating effluvia--all these choice spots we visited under +the guidance of the wretched Mink. I seemed to be missing nothing that +might discourage or disgust me. + +He appeared to know the way, somehow, although my compass became +mysteriously lost the first day out from Fort Coquina. + +Again and again I felt instinctively that we were travelling in a vast +circle, but Mink always denied it, and I had no scientific instruments to +verify my deepening suspicions. + +Another thing bothered me: Mink did not seem to suffer from insects or +heat; in fact, to my intense annoyance, he appeared to be having a +comfortable time of it, eating and drinking with gusto, sleeping snugly +under a mosquito bar, permitting me to do all camp work, the paddling as +long as we used a canoe, and all the cooking, too, claiming, on his part, +a complete ignorance of culinary art. + +Sometimes he condescended to catch a few fish for the common pan; +sometimes he bestirred himself to shoot a duck or two. But usually he +played on his concertina during his leisure moments which were plentiful. + +I began to detest Samuel Mink. + +At first I was murderously suspicious of him, and I walked about with my +automatic arsenal ostentatiously displayed. But he looked like such a +miserable little shrimp that I became ashamed of my precautions. Besides, +as he cheerfully pointed out, a little koonti soaked in my drinking +water, would have done my business for me if he had meant me any physical +harm. Also he had a horrid habit of noosing moccasins for sport; and it +would have been easy for him to introduce one to me while I slept. + +Really what most worried me was the feeling which I could not throw off +that somehow or other we were making very little progress in any +particular direction. + +He even admitted that there was reason for my doubts, but he confided to +me that to find these Coquina hills, was like traversing a maze. Doubling +to and fro among forests and swamps, he insisted, was the only possible +path of access to the undiscovered Coquina hills of Florida. Otherwise, +he argued, these Coquina hills would long ago have been discovered. + +And it seemed to me that he had been right when at last we came out on +the edge of a palm forest and beheld that astounding blue outline of +hills in a country which has always been supposed to lie as flat as a +flabby flap-jack. + +A desert of saw-palmetto stretched away before us to the base of the +hills; game trails ran through it in every direction like sheep paths; +a few moth-eaten Florida deer trotted away as we appeared. + +Into one of these trails stepped Samuel Mink, burdened only with his +concertina and a box of cigars. I, loaded with seventy pounds of +impedimenta including a moving-picture apparatus, reeled after him. + +He walked on jauntily toward the hills, his pearl-coloured bowler hat at +an angle. Occasionally he played upon his concertina as he advanced; now +and then he cut a pigeon wing. I hated him. At every toilsome step I +hated him more deeply. He played "Tipperary" on his concertina. + +"See 'em, old top?" he inquired, nodding toward the hills. "I'm a man of +my word, I am. Look at 'em! Take 'em in, old sport! An' reemember, each +an' every hill is guaranteed to contain one bony fidy cave-lady what is +the last vanishin' traces of a extinc' an' dissappeerin' race!" + +We toiled on--that is, I did, bowed under my sweating load of +paraphernalia. He skipped in advance like some degenerate twentieth +century faun, playing on his pipes the unmitigated melodies of George +Cohan. + +"Watch your step!" he cried, nimbly avoiding the attentions of a +ground-rattler which tried to caress his ankle from under a saw-palmetto. + +With a shudder I gave the deadly little reptile room and floundered +forward a prey to exhaustion, melancholy, and red-bugs. A few buzzards +kept pace with me, their broad, black shadows gliding ominously over the +sun-drenched earth; blue-tail lizards went rustling and leaping away on +every side; floppy soft-winged butterflies escorted me; a strange bird +which seemed to be dressed in a union suit of checked gingham, flew from +tree to tree as I plodded on, and squealed at me persistently. + +At last I felt the hard coquina under foot; the cool blue shadow of the +hills enveloped me; I slipped off my pack, dumped it beside a little rill +of crystal water which ran sparkling from the hills, and sat down on a +soft and fragrant carpet of hound's-tongue. + +After a while I drank my fill at the rill, bathed head, neck, face and +arms, and, feeling delightfully refreshed, leaned back against the +fern-covered slab of coquina. + +"What are you doing?" I demanded of Mink who was unpacking the kit and +disengaging the moving-picture machine. + +"Gettin' ready," he replied, fussing busily with the camera. + +"You don't expect to see any cave people here, do you?" I asked with a +thrill of reviving excitement. + +"Why not?" + +"_Here_?" + +"Cert'nly. Why the first one I seen was a-drinkin' into this brook." + +"Here! Where I'm sitting?" I asked incredulously. + +"Yes, sir, right there. It was this way; I was lyin' down, tryin' to +figure the shortes' way to Fort Coquina, an' wishin' I was nearer +Broadway than I was to the Equator, when I heard a voice say, 'Blub-blub, +muck-a-muck!' an' then I seen two cave-ladies come sof'ly stealin' +along." + +"W-where?" + +"Right there where you are a-sittin'. Say, they was lookers! An' they +come along quiet like two big-eyed deer, kinder nosin' the air and +listenin'. + +"'Gee whiz,' thinks I, 'Longacre ain't got so much on them dames!' An' at +that one o' them wore a wild-cat's skin an' that's all--an' a wild-cat +ain't big. And t'other she sported pa'm-leaf pyjamas. + +"So when they don't see nothin' around to hinder, they just lays down +flat and takes a drink into that pool, lookin' up every swallow like +little birds listenin' and kinder thankin' God for a good square drink. + +"I knowed they was wild girls soon as I seen 'em. Also they sez to one +another, 'Blub-blub!' Kinder sof'ly. All the same I've seen wilder ladies +on Broadway so I took a chanst where I was squattin' behind a rock. + +"So sez I, 'Ah there, sweetie Blub-blub! Have a taxi on me!' An' with +that they is on their feet, quiverin' all over an' nosin' the wind. So +first I took some snapshots at 'em with my Bijoo camera. + +"I guess they scented me all right for I seen their eyes grow bigger, an' +then they give a bound an' was off over the rocks; an' me after 'em. Say, +that was some steeple-chase until a few more cave-ladies come out on them +rocks above us an' hove chunks of coquina at me. + +"An' with all that dodgin' an' duckin' of them there rocks the cave-girls +got away; an' I seen 'em an' the other cave-ladies scurryin' into little +caves--one whisked into this hole, another scuttled into that--bing! all +over! + +"All I could think of was to light a cigar an' blow the smoke in after +the best-lookin' cave-girl. But I couldn't smoke her out, an' I hadn't +time to starve her out. So that's all I know about this here +pree-historic an' extinc' race o' vanishin' cave-ladies." + +As his simple and illiterate narrative advanced I became proportionally +excited; and, when he ended, I sprang to my feet in an uncontrollable +access of scientific enthusiasm: + +"Was she really pretty?" I asked. + +"Listen, she was that peachy--" + +"Enough!" I cried. "Science expects every man to do his duty! Are your +films ready to record a scene without precedent in the scientific annals +of creation?" + +"They sure is!" + +"Then place your camera and your person in a strategic position. This is +a magnificent spot for an ambush! Come over beside me!" + +He came across to where I had taken cover among the ferns behind the +parapet of coquina, and with a thrill of pardonable joy I watched him +unlimber his photographic artillery and place it in battery where my +every posture and action would be recorded for posterity if a cave-lady +came down to the water-hole to drink. + +"It were futile," I explained to him in a guarded voice, "for me to +attempt to cajole her as you attempted it. Neither playful nor moral +suasion could avail, for it is certain that no cave-lady understands +English." + +"I thought o' that, too," he remarked. "I said, 'Blub-blub! muck-a-muck!' +to 'em when they started to run, but it didn't do no good." + +I smiled: "Doubtless," said I, "the spoken language of the cave-dweller +is made up of similarly primitive exclamations, and you were quite right +in attempting to communicate with the cave-ladies and establish a cordial +entente. Professor Garner has done so among the Simian population of +Gaboon. Your attempt is most creditable and I shall make it part of my +record. + +"But the main idea is to capture a living specimen of cave-lady, and +corroborate every detail of that pursuit and capture upon the films. + +"And believe me, Mr. Mink," I added, my voice trembling with emotion, "no +Academician is likely to go to sleep when I illustrate my address with +such pictures as you are now about to take!" + +"The police might pull the show," he suggested. + +"No," said I, "Science is already immune; art is becoming so. Only nature +need fear the violence of prejudice; and doubtless she will continue to +wear pantalettes and common-sense nighties as long as our great republic +endures." + +I unslung my field-glasses, adjusted them and took a penetrating squint +at the hillside above. + +Nothing stirred up there except a buzzard or two wheeling on tip-curled +pinions above the palms. + +Presently Mink inquired whether I had "lamped" anything, and I replied +that I had not. + +"They may be snoozin' in their caves," he suggested. "But don't you fret, +old top; you'll get what's comin' to you and I'll get mine." + +"About that check--" I began and hesitated. + +"Sure. What about it?" + +"I suppose I'm to give it to you when the first cave-woman appears." + +"That's what!" + +I pondered the matter for a while in silence. I could see no risk in +paying him this draft on sight. + +"All right," I said. "Bring on your cave-dwellers." + +Hour succeeded hour, but no cave-dwellers came down to the pool to drink. +We ate luncheon--a bit of cold duck, some koonti-bread, and a dish of +palm-cabbage. I smoked an inexpensive cigar; Mink lit a more pretentious +one. Afterward he played on his concertina at my suggestion on the chance +that the music might lure a cave-girl down the hill. Nymphs were +sometimes caught that way, and modern science seems to be reverting more +and more closely to the simpler truths of the classics which, in our +ignorance and arrogance, we once dismissed as fables unworthy of +scientific notice. + +[Illustration: "He played on his concertina ... on the chance that the +music might lure a cave-girl down the hill."] + +However this Broadway faun piped in vain: no white-footed dryad came +stealing through the ferns to gaze, perhaps to dance to the concertina's +plaintive melodies. + +So after a while he put his concertina into his pocket, cocked his derby +hat on one side, gathered his little bandy legs under his person, and +squatted there in silence, chewing the wet and bitter end of his extinct +cigar. + +Toward mid-afternoon I unslung my field-glasses again and surveyed the +hill. + +At first I noticed nothing, not even a buzzard; then, of a sudden, my +attention was attracted to something moving among the fern-covered slabs +of coquina just above where we lay concealed--a slim, graceful shape half +shadowed under a veil of lustrous hair which glittered like gold in the +sun. + +"Mink!" I whispered hoarsely. "One of them is coming! This--this indeed +is the stupendous and crowning climax of my scientific career!" + +His comment was incredibly coarse: "Gimme the dough," he said without a +tremor of surprise. Indeed there was a metallic ring of menace in his low +and entirely cold tones as he laid one hand on my arm. "No welchin'," he +said, "or I put the whole show on the bum!" + +The overwhelming excitement of the approaching crisis neutralized my +disgust; I fished out the certified check from my pocket and flung the +miserable scrap of paper at him. "Get your machine ready!" I hissed. "Do +you understand what these moments mean to the civilized world!" + +"I sure do," he said. + +Nearer and nearer came the lithe white figure under its glorious crown of +hair, moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina slabs--nearer, +nearer, until I no longer required my glasses. + +[Illustration: "Moving warily and gracefully amid the great coquina +slabs."] + +She was a slender red-lipped thing, blue-eyed, dainty of hand and foot. + +The spotted pelt of a wild-cat covered her, or attempted to. + +I unfolded a large canvas sack as she approached the pool. For a moment +or two she stood gazing around her and her close-set ears seemed to be +listening. Then, apparently satisfied, she threw back her beautiful young +head and sent a sweet wild call floating back to the sunny hillside. + +"Blub-blub!" rang her silvery voice; "blub-blub! Muck-a-muck!" And from +the fern-covered hollows above other voices replied joyously to her +reassuring call, "Blub-blub-blub!" + +The whole bunch was coming down to drink--the entire remnant of a +prehistoric and almost extinct race of human creatures was coming to +quench its thirst at this water-hole. How I wished for James Barnes at +the camera's crank! He alone could do justice to this golden girl before +me. + +One by one, clad in their simple yet modest gowns of pelts and garlands, +five exquisitively superb specimens of cave-girl came gracefully down to +the water-hole to drink. + +Almost swooning with scientific excitement I whispered to the unspeakable +Mink: "Begin to crank as soon as I move!" And, gathering up my big canvas +sack I rose, and, still crouching, stole through the ferns on tip-toe. + +They had already begun to drink when they heard me; I must have made some +slight sound in the ferns, for their keen ears detected it and they +sprang to their feet. + +It was a magnificent sight to see them there by the pool, tense, +motionless, at gaze, their dainty noses to the wind, their beautiful eyes +wide and alert. + +For a moment, enchanted, I remained spellbound in the presence of this +prehistoric spectacle, then, waving my sack, I sprang out from behind the +rock and cantered toward them. + +Instead of scattering and flying up the hillside they seemed paralyzed, +huddling together as though to get into the picture. Delighted I turned +and glanced at Mink; he was cranking furiously. + +With an uncontrollable shout of triumph and delight I pranced toward +the huddling cave-girls, arms outspread as though heading a horse or +concentrating chickens. And, totally forgetting the uselessness of +urbanity and civilized speech as I danced around that lovely but +terrified group, "Ladies!" I cried, "do not be alarmed, because I mean +only kindness and proper respect. Civilization calls you from the wilds! +Sentiment, pity, piety propel my legs, not the ruthless desire to injure +or enslave you! Ladies! You are under the wing of science. An +anthropologist is speaking to you! Fear nothing! Rather rejoice! Your +wonderful race shall be rescued from extinction--even if I have to do it +myself! Ladies, don't run!" They had suddenly scattered and were now +beginning to dodge me. "I come among you bearing the precious promises +of education, of religion, of equal franchise, of fashion!" + +"Blub-blub!" they whimpered continuing to dodge me. + +"Yes!" I cried in an excess of transcendental enthusiasm. "Blub-blub! And +though I do not comprehend the exquisite simplicity of your primeval +speech, I answer with all my heart, 'Blub-blub!'" + +Meanwhile, they were dodging and eluding me as I chased first one, then +another, one hand outstretched, the other invitingly clutching the sack. + +A hasty glance at Mink now and then revealed him industriously cranking +away. + +Once I fell into the pool. That section of the film should never be +released, I determined, as I blew the water out of my mouth, gasped, and +started after a lovely, ruddy-haired cave-girl whose curiosity had led +her to linger beside the pool in which I was floundering. + +But run as fast as I could and skip hither and thither with all the +agility I could muster I did not seem to be able to seize a single +cave-girl. + +Every few minutes, baffled and breathless, I rested; and they always +clustered together uttering their plaintively musical "blub-blub," not +apparently very much afraid of me, and even exhibiting curiosity. Now and +then they cast glances toward Mink who was grinding away steadily, and I +could scarcely retain a shout of joy as I realized what wonderful +pictures he was taking. Indeed luck seemed to be with me, so far, for +never once did these beautiful prehistoric creatures retire out of +photographic range. + +But otherwise the problem was becoming serious. I could not catch one of +them; they eluded me with maddening swiftness and grace; my pauses to +recover my breath became more frequent. + +At last, dead beat, I sat down on a slab of coquina. And when I was able +to articulate I turned around toward Mink. + +"You'll have to drop your camera and come over and help me," I panted. +"I'm all in!" + +"Not quite," he said. + +For a moment I did not understand him; then under my outraged eyes, and +within the hearing of my horrified ears a terrible thing occurred. + +"Now, ladies!" yelled Mink, "all on for the fine-ally! Up-stage there, +you red-headed little spot-crabber! Mabel! Take the call! Now smile the +whole bloomin' bunch of you!" + +What was he saying? I did not comprehend. I stared dully at the six +cave-girls as they grouped themselves in a semi-circle behind me. + +Then, as one of them came up and unfolded a white strip of cloth behind +my head, the others drew from concealed pockets in their kilts of +cat-fur, little silk flags of all nations and began to wave them. + +Paralyzed I turned my head. On the strip of white cloth, which the +tallest cave-girl was holding directly behind my head, was printed in +large black letters: + + SUNSET SOAP + +For one cataclysmic instant I gazed upon this hideous spectacle, then +with an unearthly cry I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking +one. + +[Illustration: "I collapsed into the arms of the nicest looking one."] + +There is little more to say. Contrary to my fears the release of this +outrageous film did not injure my scientific standing. Modern science, +accustomed to proprietary testimonials, has become reconciled to such +things. + +My appearance upon the films in the movies in behalf of Sunset Soap, +oddly enough, seemed to enhance my scientific reputation. Even such +austere purists as Guilford, the Cubist poet, congratulated me upon my +fearless independence of ethical tradition. + +And I had lived to learn a gentler truth than that, for, the pretty girl +who had been cast for Cave-girl No. 3--But let that pass. _Adhibenda est +in jocando moderatio_. + +Sweet are the uses of advertisement. + + + + +THE LADIES OF THE LAKE + + + + +I + + +At the suggestion of several hundred thousand ladies desiring to revel +and possibly riot in the saturnalia of equal franchise, the unnamed lakes +in that vast and little known region in Alaska bounded by the Ylanqui +River and the Thunder Mountains were now being inexorably named after +women. + +It was a beautiful thought. Already several exquisite, lonely bits of +water, gem-set among the eternal peaks, mirrors for cloud and soaring +eagle, a glass for the moon as keystone to the towering arch of stars, +had been irrevocably labelled. + +Already there was Lake Amelia Jones, Lake Sadie Dingleheimer, Lake Maggie +McFadden, and Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt. + +I longed to see these lakes under the glamour of their newly added +beauty. + +Imagine, therefore, my surprise and happiness when I received the +following communication from my revered and beloved chief, Professor +Farrago, dated from the Smithsonian Institute, Washington, whither he +had been summoned in haste to examine and pronounce upon the identity +of a very small bird supposed to be a specimen of that rare and almost +extinct creature, the two-toed titmouse, _Mustitta duototus_, to be +scientifically exact, as I invariably strive to be. + +The important letter in question was as follows: + + To + Percy Smith, B.S., D.F., etc., etc., + Curator, Department of Anthropology, + Administration Building, + Bronx Park, N.Y. + + _My Dear Mr. Smith_: + + Several very important and determined ladies, recently honoured by + the Government in having a number of lakes in Alaska named after them, + have decided to make a pilgrimage to that region, inspired by a + characteristic desire to gaze upon the lakes named after them + individually. + + They request information upon the following points: + + 1st. Are the waters of the lakes in that locality sufficiently clear + for a lady to do her hair by? In that event, the expedition will not + burden itself with looking-glasses. + + 2nd. Are there any hotels? (You need merely say, no. I have tried to + explain to them that it is, for the most part, an unexplored + wilderness, but they insist upon further information from you.) + + 3rd. If there are hotels, is there also running water to be had? (You + may tell them that there is plenty of running water.) + + 4th. What are the summer outdoor amusements? (You may inform them that + there is plenty of bathing, boating, fishing, and an abundance of shade + trees. Also, excellent mountain-climbing to be had in the vicinity. You + need not mention the pastimes of "Hunt the Flea" or "Dodge the + Skeeter.") + + I am not by nature cruel, Mr. Smith, but when these ladies informed + me that they had decided to penetrate that howling and unexplored + wilderness without being burdened or interfered with by any member of + my sex, for one horrid and criminal moment I hoped they would. Because + in that event none of them would ever come back. + + However, in my heart milder and more humane sentiments prevailed. I + pointed out to them the peril of their undertaking, the dangers of an + unexplored region, the necessity of masculine guidance and support. + + My earnestness and solicitude were, I admit, prompted partly by a + desire to utilize this expensively projected expedition as a vehicle + for the accumulation of scientific data. + + As soon as I heard of it I conceived the plan of attaching two members + of our Bronx Park scientific staff to the expedition--you, and Mr. + Brown. + + But no sooner did these determined ladies hear of it than they repelled + the suggestion with indignation. + + Now, the matter stands as follows: These ladies don't want any man in + the expedition; but they have at last realized that they've got to take + a guide or two. And there are no feminine guides in Alaska. + + Therefore, considering the immense and vital importance of such an + opportunity to explore and report upon this unknown region at somebody + else's expense, I suggest that you and Brown meet these ladies at Lake + Mrs. Susan W. Pillsbury, which lies on the edge of the region to be + explored; that you, without actually perjuring yourselves too horribly, + convey to them the misleading impression that you are the promised + guides provided for them by a cowed and avuncular Government; and that + you take these fearsome ladies about and let them gaze at their + reflections in the various lakes named after them; and that, while the + expedition lasts, you secretly make such observations, notes, reports, + and collections of the flora and fauna of the region as your + opportunities may permit. + + No time is to be lost. If, at Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, you find regular + guides awaiting these ladies, you will bribe these guides to go away + and you yourselves will then impersonate the guides. I know of no other + way for you to explore this region, as all our available resources at + Bronx Park have already been spent in painting appropriate scenery to + line the cages of the mammalia, and also in the present exceedingly + expensive expedition in search of the polka-dotted boom-bock, which is + supposed to inhabit the jungle beyond Lake Niggerplug. + + My most solemn and sincere wishes accompany you. Bless you! + + Farrago. + + + + +II + + +This, then, is how it came about that "Kitten" Brown and I were seated, +one midgeful morning in July, by the pellucid waters of Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury, gnawing sections from a greasily fried trout, upon which I had +attempted culinary operations. + +Brown's baptismal name was William; but the unfortunate young man +was once discovered indiscreetly embracing a pretty assistant in the +Administration Building at Bronx, and, furthermore, was overheard to +address her as "Kitten." + +So Kitten Brown it was for him in future. After he had fought all the +younger members of the scientific staff in turn, he gradually became +resigned to this annoying _nom d'amour_. + +Lightly but thoroughly equipped for scientific field research, we had +arrived at the rendezvous in time to bribe the two guides engaged by the +Government to go back to their own firesides. + +A week later the formidable expedition of representative ladies arrived; +and now they were sitting on the shore of Lake Susan W. Pillsbury, at a +little distance from us, trying to keep the midges from their features +and attempting to eat the fare provided for them by me. + +I myself couldn't eat it. No wonder they murmured. But hunger goaded them +to attack the greasy mess of trout and fried cornmeal. + +Kitten was saying to me: + +"Our medicine chest isn't very extensive. I hope they brought their own. +If they didn't, some among us will never again see New York." + +I stole a furtive glance at the unfortunate women. There was one among +them--but let me first enumerate their heavy artillery: + +There was the Reverend Dr. Amelia Jones, blond, adipose, and close to the +four-score mark. She stepped high in the Equal Franchise ranks. Nobody +had ever had the temerity to answer her back. + +There was Miss Sadie Dingleheimer, fifty, emaciated, anemic, and gauntly +glittering with thick-lensed eye-glasses. She was the President of the +National Prophylactic Club, whatever that may be. + +There was Miss Margaret McFadden, a Titian, profusely toothed, muscular, +and President of the Hair Dressers' Union of the United States. + +There was Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt, a grass one--Batt being represented +as a vanishing point--President of the National Eugenic and Purity +League; tall, gnarled, sinuously powerful, and prone to emotional +attacks. The attacks were directed toward others. + +These, then, composed the heavy artillery. The artillery of the light +brigade consisted only of a single piece. Her name was Angelica White, a +delegate from the Trained Nurses' Association of America. The nurses had +been too busy with their business to attend such picnics, so one had been +selected by lot to represent the busy Association on this expedition. + +Angelica White was a tall, fair, yellow-haired girl of twenty-two or +three, with violet-blue eyes and red lips, and a way of smiling a little +when spoken to--but let that pass. I mean only to be scientifically +minute. A passion for fact has ever obsessed me. I have little literary +ability and less desire to sully my pen with that degraded form of +letters known as fiction. Once in my life my mania for accuracy involved +me lyrically. It was a short poem, but an earnest one: + + Truth is mighty and must prevail, + Otherwise it were inadvisable to tell the tale. + +I bestowed it upon the New York _Evening Post_, but declined +remuneration. My message belonged to the world. I don't mean the +newspaper. + +Her eyes, then, were tinted with that indefinable and agreeable nuance +which modifies blue to a lilac or violet hue. + +Watching her askance, I was deeply sorry that my cooking seemed to pain +her. + +"Guide!" said Mrs. Doolittle Batt, in that remarkable, booming voice of +hers. + +"Ma'am!" said Kitten Brown and I with spontaneous alacrity, leaping from +the ground as though shot at. + +"This cooking," she said, with an ominous stare at us, "is atrocious. +Don't you know how to cook?" + +I said with a smiling attempt at ease: + +"There are various ways of cooking food for the several species of +mammalia which an all-wise Providence--" + +"Do you think you're cooking for wild-cats?" she demanded. + +Our smiles faded. + +"It's my opinion that you're incompetent," remarked the Reverend Dr. +Jones, slapping at midges with a hand that might have rocked all the +cradles of the nation, but had not rocked any. + +"We're not getting our money's worth," said Miss Dingleheimer, "even if +the Government does pay your salaries." + +I looked appealingly from one stony face to another. In Miss McFadden's +eye there was the somber glint of battle. She said: + +"If you can guide us no better than you cook, God save us all this day +week!" And she hurled the contents of her tin plate into Lake Susan W. +Pillsbury. + +Mrs. Doolittle Batt arose: + +"Come," she said; "it is time we started. What is the name of the first +lake we may hope to encounter?" + +We knew no more than did they, but we said that Lake Gladys Doolittle +Batt was the first, hoping to placate that fearsome woman. + +"Come on, then!" she cried, picking up her carved and varnished mountain +staff. + +Miss Dingleheimer had brought one, too, from the Catskills. + +So Kitten Brown and I loaded our mule, set him in motion, and drove him +forward into the unknown. + +Where we were going we had not the slightest idea; the margin of the lake +was easy travelling, so easy that we never noticed that we had already +gone around the lake three times, until Mrs. Batt recognized the fact and +turned on us furiously. + +I didn't know how to explain it, except to say feebly that I was doing it +as a sort of preliminary canter to harden and inure the ladies. + +"We don't need hardening!" she snarled. "Do you understand that!" + +I comprehended that at once. But I forced a sickly smile and skipped +forward in the wake of my mule, with something of the same abandon +which characterizes the flight of an unwelcome dog. + +In the terrified ear of Kitten I voiced my doubts concerning the +prospects of a pleasant journey. + +We marched in the following order: Arthur, the heavily laden mule, +led; then came Kitten Brown and myself, all hung over with stew-pans, +shotguns, rifles, cartridge-belts, ponchos, and the toilet reticules of +the ladies; then marched the Reverend Dr. Jones, and, in order, filing +behind her, Miss Dingleheimer, Mrs. Batt, Miss McFadden, and Miss +White--the latter in her trained nurse's costume and wearing a red cross +on her sleeve--an idea of Mrs. Batt, who believed in emergency methods. + +Mrs. Batt also bore a banner, much interfered with by the foliage, +bearing the inscription: + + EQUAL RIGHTS! + EUGENICS OR EXTERMINATION! + +After a while she shouted: + +"Guide! Here, you may carry this banner for a while! I'm tired." + +Kitten and I took turns with it after that. It was hard work, +particularly as one by one in turn they came up and hung their parasols +and shopping reticules all over us. We plodded forward like a pair of +moving department stores, not daring to shift our burdens to Arthur, +because we had already stuffed into the panniers of that simple and +dignified animal all our collecting boxes, cyanide jars, butterfly nets, +note-books, reels of piano wire, thermometers, barometers, hydrometers, +stereometers, aeronoids, adnoids--everything, in fact, that guides are +not supposed to pack into the woods, but which we had smuggled unbeknown +to those misguided ones we guided. + +And, to make room for our scientific paraphernalia, we had been obliged +to do a thing so mean, so inexpressibly low, that I blush to relate it. +But facts are facts; we discarded nearly a ton of feminine impedimenta. +There was fancy work of all sorts in the making or in the raw--materials +for knitting, embroidering, tatting, sewing, hemming, stitching, +drawn-work, lace-making, crocheting. + +Also we disposed of almost half a ton of toilet necessities--powder, +perfumery, cosmetics, hot-water bags, slippers, negligees, novels, +magazines, bon-bons, chewing-gum, hat-boxes, gloves, stockings, +underwear. + +We left enough apparel for each lady to change once. They'd have to do +some scrubbing now. Science can not be halted by hatpins; cosmos can not +be side-tracked by cosmetics. + +Toward sunset we came upon a small, crystal clear pond, set between the +bases of several lofty mountains. I was ready to drop with fatigue, but +I nerved myself, drew a deep, exultant breath, and with one of those +fine, sweeping gestures, I cried: + +"Lake Mrs. Gladys Doolittle Batt! Eureka! At last! Excelsior!" + +There was a profound silence behind me. I turned, striving to mask my +apprehension with a smile. The ladies were regarding the pond in +surprise. I admit that it was a pond, not a lake. + +Injecting into my voice the last remnants of glee which I could summon, I +shouted, "Eureka!" and began to caper about as though the size and beauty +of the pond had affected me with irrepressible enthusiasm, hoping by my +emotion to stampede the convention. + +The cold voice of Mrs. Doolittle Batt checked my transports: + +"Is that puddle named after me?" she demanded. + +"M-ma'am?" I stammered. + +"If that wretched frog-pond has been christened with my name, somebody is +going to get into trouble," she said ominously. + +A profound silence ensued. Arthur patiently switched at flies. As for +me, I looked up at the majestic pines, gazed upon the lofty and eternal +hills, then ventured a sneaking glance all around me. But I could +discover no avenue of escape in case Mrs. Batt should charge me. + +"I had been informed," she began dangerously, "that the majestic body of +water, which I understood had been honoured with my name, was twelve +miles long and three miles wide. This appears to be a puddle!" + +"B-b-but it's very p-pretty," I protested feebly. "It's quite round and +clear, and it's nearly a quarter of a mile in d-diameter--" + +"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Doolittle Batt. "I've been swindled!" + +Kitten Brown knew more about women than did I. He said in a fairly steady +voice: + +"Madame, it is an outrage! The women of this mighty nation should make +the Government answerable for its duplicity! Your lake should have been +at least twenty miles long!" + +Everybody turned and looked at Kitten. He was a handsome dog. + +"This young man appears to have some trace of common-sense," said Mrs. +Batt. "I shall see to it that the Government is held responsible for +this odious act of insulting duplicity. I--I won't have my name given to +this--this wallow!--" She advanced toward me, her small eyes blazing: I +retreated to leeward of Arthur. + +"Guide!" she said in a voice still trembling with passion. "Are you +certain that you have made no mistake? You appear to be unusually +ignorant." + +"I am afraid there can be no room for doubt," I said, almost scared out +of my senses. + +"And on top of this outrage, am I to eat your cooking?" she demanded +passionately. "Did I come here to look at this frog-pond and choke on +your cooking? _Did_ I?" + +"_I_ can cook," said a clear, pleasant voice at my elbow. And Miss White +came forward, cool, clean, fresh as a posy in her uniform and cap. I +immediately got behind her. + +"I can cook very nicely," she said smilingly. "It is part of my +profession, you know. So if you two guides will be kind enough to build +the fire and help me--" She let her violet eyes linger on me for an +instant, then on Brown. A moment later he and I were jostling each other +in our eagerness to obey her slightest suggestion. It is that way with +men. + +So we built her a fire and unpacked our provisions, and we waited very +politely on the ladies when dinner was ready. + +It was a fine dinner--coffee, bacon, flap-jacks, soup, ash-bread, stewed +chicken. + +The heavy artillery, made ravenous by their journey, required vast +quantities of ammunition. They banqueted largely. I gazed in amazement at +Mrs. Doolittle Batt as she swallowed one flap-jack after another, while +her eyes bulged larger and larger. + +Nor was the capacity of Miss Dingleheimer and the Reverend Dr. Jones to +be mocked at by pachyderms. + +Brown and I left them eating while we erected the row of little tents. +Every lady had demanded a separate tent. + +So we cut saplings, set up the silk, drove pegs, and brought armfuls of +balsam boughs. + +I was afraid they'd demand their knitting and other utensils, but they +had eaten to repletion, and were sleepy; and as each toilet case or +reticule contained also a nightgown, they drew the flaps of their several +tents without insisting that we unpack Arthur's panniers. + +They all had disappeared within their tents except Miss White, who +insisted on cooking something for us, although we protested that the +scraps of the banquet were all right for mere guides. + +She stood beside us for a few minutes, watching us busy with our +delicious dinner. + +"You poor fellows," she said gently. "You are nearly starved." + +It is agreeable to be sympathized with by a tall, fair, fresh young girl. +We looked up, simpering gratefully. + +"This is really a most lovely little lake," she said, gazing out across +the still, crystalline water which was all rose and gold in the sunset, +save where the sombre shapes of the towering mountains were mirrored in +glassy depths. + +"It's odd," I said, "that no trout are jumping. There ought to be lots of +them there, and this is their jumping hour." + +We all looked at the quiet, oval bit of water. Not a circle, not the +slightest ripple disturbed it. + +"It must be deep," remarked Brown. + +We gazed up at the three lofty peaks, the bases of which were the shores +of this tiny gem among lakes. Deep, deep, plunging down into dusky +profundity, the rocks fell away sheer into limpid depths. + +"That little lake may be a thousand feet deep," I said. "In 1903 +Professor Farrago, of Bronx Park, measured a lake in the Thunder +Mountains, which was two thousand seven hundred and sixty-nine feet +deep." + +Miss White looked at me curiously. + +Into a patch of late sunshine flitted a small butterfly--one of the +_Grapta_ species. It settled on a chip of wood, uncoiled its delicate +proboscis, and spread its fulvous and deeply indented wings. + +"_Grapta California_," remarked Brown to me. + +"_Vanessa asteriska_" I corrected him. "Note the anal angle of the +secondaries and the argentiferous discal area bordering the subcostal +nervule." + +"The characteristic stripes on the primaries are wanting," he demurred. + +"It is double brooded. The summer form lacks the three darker bands." + +A few moments' silence was broken by the voice of Miss White. + +"I had no idea," she remarked, "that Alaskan guides were so familiar with +entomological terms and nomenclature." + +We both turned very red. + +Brown mumbled something about having picked up a smattering. I added that +Brown had taught me. + +Perhaps she believed us; her blue eyes rested on us curiously, musingly. +Also, at moments, I fancied there was the faintest glint of amusement in +them. + +She said: + +"Two scientific gentlemen from New York requested permission to join this +expedition, but Mrs. Batt refused them." She gazed thoughtfully upon +the waters of Lake Gladys Doolittle Batt. "I wonder," she murmured, "what +became of those two gentlemen." + +It was evident that we had betrayed ourselves to this young girl. + +She glanced at us again, and perhaps she noticed in our fascinated gaze +an expression akin to terror, for suddenly she laughed--such a clear, +sweet, silvery little laugh! + +"For my part," she said, "I wish they had come with us. I like--men." + +With that she bade us goodnight very politely and went off to her tent, +leaving us with our hats pressed against our stomachs, attempting by the +profundity of our bows to indicate the depth of our gratitude. + +"_There's_ a girl!" exclaimed Brown, as soon as she had disappeared +behind her tent flaps. "She'll never let on to Medusa, Xantippe, +Cassandra and Company. I _like_ that girl, Smith." + +"You're not the only one imbued by such sentiments," said I. + +He smiled a fatuous and reminiscent smile. He certainly was good-looking. +Presently he said: + +"She has the most delightful way of gazing at a man--" + +"I've noticed," I said pleasantly. + +"Oh. Did she happen to glance at _you_ that way?" he inquired. I wanted +to beat him. + +All I said was: + +"She's certainly some kitten." Which bottled that young man for a while. + +We lay on the bank of the tiny lake, our backs against a huge pine-tree, +watching the last traces of colour fading from peak and tree-top. + +"Isn't it queer," I said, "that not a trout has splashed? It can't be +that there are no fish in the lake." + +"There _are_ such lakes." + +"Yes, very deep ones. I wonder how deep this is." + +"We'll be out at sunrise with our reel of piano wire and take soundings," +he said. "The heavy artillery won't wake until they're ready to be loaded +with flap-jacks." + +I shuddered: + +"They're fearsome creatures, Brown. Somehow, that resolute and bony one +has inspired me with a terror unutterable." + +"Mrs. Batt?" + +"Yes." + +He said seriously: + +"She'll make a horrid outcry when she asks for her knitting. What are you +going to tell her?" + +"I shall say that Indians ambuscaded us while she was asleep, and carried +off all those things." + +"You lie very nicely, don't you?" he remarked admiringly. + +"_In vitium ducit culpae fuga_," said I. "Besides, they don't really need +those articles." + +He laughed. He didn't seem to be very much afraid of Mrs. Batt. + +It had grown deliciously dusky, and myriads of stars were coming out. +Little by little the lake lost its shape in the darkness, until only an +irregular, star-set area of quiet water indicated that there was any lake +there at all. + +I remember that Brown and I, reclining at the foot of the tree, were +looking at the still and starry surface of the lake, over which numbers +of bats were darting after insects; and I recollect that I was just about +to speak, when, of a sudden, the silent and luminous surface of the water +was shattered as with a subterranean explosion; a geyser of scintillating +spray shot upward flashing, foaming, towering a hundred feet into the +air. And through it I seemed to catch a glimpse of a vast, quivering, +twisting mass of silver falling back with a crash into the lake, while +the huge fountain rained spray on every side and the little lake rocked +and heaved from shore to shore, sending great sheets of surf up over the +rocks so high that the very tree-tops dripped. + +Petrified, dumb, our senses almost paralyzed by the shock, our ears still +deafened by the watery crash of that gigantic something that had fallen +into the lake, and our eyes starting from their sockets, we stared at the +darkness. + +Slap--slash--slush went the waves, hitting the shore with a clashing +sound almost metallic. Vision and hearing told us that the water in the +lake was rocking like the contents of a bath-tub. + +"G-g-good Lord!" whispered Brown. "Is there a v-volcano under that lake?" + +"Did you see that huge, glittering shape that seemed to fall into the +water?" I gasped. + +"Yes. What was it? A meteor?" + +"No. It was something that first came out of the lake and fell back--the +way a trout leaps. Heavens! It couldn't have been alive, could it?" + +"W-wh-what do you mean?" stammered Brown. + +"It couldn't have been a f-f-fish, could it?" I asked with chattering +teeth. + +"No! _No!_ It was as big as a Pullman car! It must have been a falling +star. Did you ever hear of a fish as big as a sleeping car?" + +I was too thoroughly unnerved to reply. The roaring of the surf had +subsided somewhat, enough for another sound to reach our ears--a raucous, +gallinacious, squawking sound. + +I sprang up and looked at the row of tents. White-robed figures loomed in +front of them. The heavy artillery was evidently frightened. + +[Illustration: "The heavy artillery was evidently frightened."] + +We went over to them, and when we got nearer they chastely scuttled +into their tents and thrust out a row of heads--heads hideous with +curl-papers. + +"What was that awful noise? An earthquake?" shrilled the Reverend Dr. +Jones. "I think I'll go home." + +"Was it an avalanche?" demanded Mrs. Batt, in a deep and shaky voice. +"Are we in any immediate danger, young man?" + +I said that it was probably a flying-star which had happened to strike +the lake and explode. + +"What an awful region!" wailed Miss Dingleheimer. "I've had my money's +worth. I wish to go back to New York at once. I'll begin to dress +immediately--" + +"It might be a million years before another meteor falls in this +latitude," I said, soothingly. + +"Or it might be ten minutes," sobbed Miss Dingleheimer. "What do _you_ +know about it, anyway! I want to go home. I'm putting on my stockings +now. I'm getting dressed as fast as I can--" + +Her voice was blotted out in a mighty crash from the lake. Appalled, I +whirled on my heel, just in time to see another huge jet of water rise +high in the starlight, another, another, until the entire lake was but +a cluster of gigantic geysers exploding a hundred feet in the air, while +through them, falling back into the smother of furious foam, great +silvery bulks dropped crashing, one after another. + +I don't know how long the incredible vision lasted; the woods roared with +the infernal pandemonium, echoed and re-echoed from mountain to mountain; +the tree-tops fairly stormed spray, driving it in sheets through the +leaves; and the shores of the lake spouted surf long after the last vast, +silvery shape had fallen back again into the water. + +As my senses gradually recovered, I found myself supporting Mrs. Batt on +one arm and the Reverend Dr. Jones upon my bosom. Both had fainted. I +released them with a shudder and turned to look for Brown. + +Somebody had swooned in his arms, too. + +[Illustration: "Somebody had swooned in his arms, too."] + +He was not noticing me, and as I approached him I heard him say something +resembling the word "kitten." + +In spite of my demoralization, another fear seized me, and I drew nearer +and peered closely at what he was holding so nobly in his arms. It was, +as I supposed, Angelica White. + +I don't know whether my arrival occultly revived her, for as I stumbled +over a tent-peg she opened her blue eyes, and then disengaged herself +from Brown's arms. + +"Oh, I am _so_ frightened," she murmured. She looked at me sideways when +she said it. + +"Come," said I coldly to Brown, "let Miss White retire and lie down. This +meteoric shower is over and so is the danger." + +He evinced a desire to further soothe and minister to Miss White, but she +said, with considerable composure, that she was feeling better; and Brown +came unwillingly with me to inspect the heavy artillery lines. + +That formidable battery was wrecked, the pieces dismounted and lying +tumbled about in their emplacements. + +But a vigorous course of cold water in dippers revived them, and we +herded them into one tent and quieted them with some soothing +prevarication, the details of which I have forgotten; but it was +something about a flock of meteors which hit the earth every twelve +billion years, and that it was now all over for another such interim, and +everybody could sleep soundly with the consciousness of having assisted +at a spectacle never before beheld except by a primordial protoplasmic +cell. + +Which flattered them, I think, for, seated once more at the base of our +tree, presently we heard weird noises from the reconcentrados, like the +moaning of the harbour bar. + +They slept, the heavy guns, like unawakened engines of destruction all +a-row in battery. But Brown and I, fearfully excited, still dazed and +bewildered, sat with our fascinated eyes fixed on the lake, asking each +other what in the name of miracles it was that we had witnessed and +heard. + +On one thing we were agreed. A scientific discovery of the most enormous +importance awaited our investigation. + +This was no time for temporising, for deception, for any species of +polite shilly-shallying. We must, on the morrow, tear off our masks and +appear before these misguided and feminine victims of our duplicity in +our own characters as scientists. We must boldly avow our identities and +flatly refuse to stir from this spot until the mystery of this astounding +lake had been thoroughly investigated. + +And so, discussing our policy, our plans for the morrow, and mutually +reassuring each other concerning our common ability to successfully defy +the heavy artillery, we finally fell asleep. + + + + +III + + +Dawn awoke me, and I sat up in my blanket and aroused Brown. + +No birds were singing. It seemed unusual, and I spoke of it to Brown. +Never have I witnessed such a still, strange daybreak. Mountains, woods, +and water were curiously silent. There was not a sound to be heard, +nothing stirred except the thin veil of vapour over the water, shreds +of which were now parting from the shore and steaming slowly upward. + +There was, it seemed to me, something slightly uncanny about this lake, +even in repose. The water seemed as translucent as a dark crystal, and +as motionless as the surface of a mirror. Nothing stirred its placid +surface, not a ripple, not an insect, not a leaf floating. + +Brown had lugged the pneumatic raft down to the shore where he was now +pumping it full: I followed with the paddles, pole, and hydroscope. When +the raft had been pumped up and was afloat, we carried the reel of +gossamer piano-wire aboard, followed it, pushed off, and paddled quietly +through the level cobwebs of mist toward the centre of the lake. From +the shore I heard a gruesome noise. It originated under one of the row of +tents of the heavy artillery. Medusa, snoring, was an awesome sound in +that wilderness and solitude of dawn. + +I was unscrewing the centre-plug from the raft and screwing into the +empty socket the lens of the hydroscope and attaching the battery, while +Brown started his sounding; and I was still busy when an exclamation from +my companion started me: + +"We're breaking some records! Do you know it, Smith?" + +"Where is the lead?" + +"Three hundred fathoms and still running!" + +"Nonsense!" + +"Look at it yourself! It goes on unreeling: I've put the drag on. Hurry +and adjust the hydroscope!" + +I sighted the powerful instrument for two thousand feet, altering it from +minute to minute as Brown excitedly announced the amazing depth of the +lake. When he called out four thousand feet, I stared at him. + +"There's something wrong--" I began. + +"There's _nothing_ wrong!" he interrupted. "Four thousand five hundred! +Five thousand! Five thousand five hundred--" + +"Are you squatting there and trying to tell me that this lake is over a +mile deep!" + +"Look for yourself!" he said in an unsteady voice. "Here is the tape! You +can read, can't you? Six thousand feet--and running evenly. Six thousand +five hundred!... Seven thousand! Seven thousand five--" + +"It _can't_ be!" I protested. + +But it was true. Astounded, I continued to adjust the hydroscope to a +range incredible, turning the screw to focus at a mile and a half, at two +miles, at two and a quarter, a half, three-quarters, three miles, three +miles and a quarter--click! + +"Good Heavens!" he whispered. "This lake is three miles and a quarter +deep!" + +Mechanically I set the lachet, screwed the hood firm, drew out the black +eye-mask, locked it, then, kneeling on the raft I rested my face in the +mask, felt for the lever, and switched on the electric light. + +Quicker than thought the solid lance of dazzling light plunged down +through profundity, and the vast abyss of water was revealed along its +pathway. + +Nothing moved in those tremendous depths except, nearly two miles below, +a few spots of tinsel glittered and drifted like flakes of mica. + +At first I scarcely noticed them, supposing them to be vast beds of +silvery bottom sand glittering under the electric pencil of the +hydroscope. But presently it occurred to me that these brilliant specks +in motion were not on the bottom--were a little less than two miles deep, +and therefore suspended. + +To be seen at all, at two miles' depth, whatever they were they must have +considerable bulk. + +"Do you see anything?" demanded Brown. + +"Some silvery specks at a depth of two miles." + +"What do they look like?" + +"Specks." + +"Are they in motion?" + +"They seem to be." + +"Do they come any nearer?" + +After a while I answered: + +"One of the specks seems to be growing larger.... I believe it is +in motion and is floating slowly upward.... It's certainly getting +bigger.... It's getting longer." + +"Is it a fish?" + +"It can't be." + +"Why not?" + +"It's impossible. Fish don't attain the size of whales in mountain +ponds." + +There was a silence. After an interval I said: + +"Brown, I don't know what to make of that thing." + +"Is it coming any nearer?" + +"Yes." + +"What does it look like now?" + +"It _looks_ like a fish. But it can't be. It looks like a tiny, silver +minnow. But it can't be. Why, if it resembles a minnow in size at this +distance--what can be its actual dimensions?" + +"Let me look," he said. + +Unwillingly I raised my head from the mask and yielded him my place. + +A long silence followed. The western mountain-tops reddened under the +rising sun; the sky grew faintly bluer. Yet, there was not a bird-note in +that still place, not a flash of wings, nothing stirring. + +Here and there along the lake shore I noticed unusual-looking trees--very +odd-looking trees indeed, for their trunks seemed bleached and dead, and +as though no bark covered them, yet every stark limb was covered with +foliage--a thick foliage so dark in colour that it seemed black to me. + +I glanced at my motionless companion where he knelt with his face in the +mask, then I unslung my field-glasses and focussed them on the nearest of +the curious trees. + +At first I could not quite make out what I was looking at; then, to my +astonishment, I saw that these stark, gray trees were indeed lifeless, +and that what I had mistaken for dark foliage were velvety clusters of +bats hanging there asleep--thousands of them thickly infesting and +clotting the dead branches with a sombre and horrid effect of foliage. + +I don't mind bats in ordinary numbers. But in such soft, motionless +masses they slightly sickened me. There must have been literally tons +of them hanging to the dead trees. + +"This is pleasant," I said. "Look at those bats, Brown." + +When Brown spoke without lifting his head, his voice was so shaken, so +altered, that the mere sound of it scared me: + +"Smith," he said, "there is a fish in here, shaped exactly like a brook +minnow. And I should judge, by the depth it is swimming in, that it is +about as long as an ordinary Pullman car." + +His voice shook, but his words were calm to the point of commonplace. +Which made the effect of his statement all the more terrific. + +"A--a _minnow_--as big as a Pullman car?" I repeated, dazed. + +"Larger, I think.... It looks to me through the hydroscope, at +this distance, exactly like a tiny, silvery minnow. It's half a mile +down.... Swimming about.... I can see its eyes; they must be about ten +feet in diameter. I can see its fins moving. And there are about a dozen +others, much deeper, swimming around.... This is easily the most +overwhelming contribution made to science since the discovery of the +purple-spotted dingle-bock, _Bukkus dinglii_.... We've got to catch one +of those gigantic fish!" + +"How?" I gasped. "How are we going to catch a minnow as large as a +sleeping car?" + +"I don't know, but we've got to do it. We've got to manage it, somehow." + +"It would require a steel cable to hold such a fish and a donkey engine +to reel him in! And what about a hook? And if we had hook, line, +steam-winch, and everything else, _what_ about bait?" + +He knelt for some time longer, watching the fish, before he resigned the +hydroscope to me. Then I watched it; but it came no nearer, seeming +contented to swim about at the depth of a little more than half a mile. +Deep under this fish I could see others glittering as they sailed or +darted to and fro. + +Presently I raised my head and sat thinking. The sun now gilded the +water; a little breeze ruffled it here and there where dainty cat's-paws +played over the surface. + +"What on earth do you suppose those gigantic fish feed on?" asked Brown +under his breath. + +I thought a moment longer, then it came to me in a flash of +understanding, and I pointed at the dead trees. + +"Bats!" I muttered. "They feed on bats as other fish feed on the little, +gauzy-winged flies which dance over ponds! You saw those bats flying over +the pond last night, didn't you? That explains the whole thing! Don't you +understand? Why, what we saw were these gigantic fish leaping like trout +after the bats. It was their feeding time!" + +I do not imagine that two more excited scientists ever existed than Brown +and I. The joy of discovery transfigured us. Here we had discovered a +lake in the Thunder Mountains which was the deepest lake in the world; +and it was inhabited by a few gigantic fish of the minnow species, the +existence of which, hitherto, had never even been dreamed of by science. + +"Kitten," I said, my voice broken by emotion, "which will you have named +after you, the lake or the fish? Shall it be Lake Kitten Brown, or shall +it be _Minnius kittenii_? Speak!" + +"What about that old party whose name you said had already been given to +the lake?" he asked piteously. + +"Who? Mrs. Batt? Do you think I'd name such an important lake after +_her_? Anyway, she has declined the honour." + +"Very well," he said, "I'll accept it. And the fish shall be known as +_Minnius Smithii_!" + +Too deeply moved to speak, we bent over and shook hands with each other. +In that solemn and holy moment, surcharged with ecstatic emotion, a deep, +distant reverberation came across the water to our ears. It was the heavy +artillery, snoring. + +Never can I forget that scene; sunshine glittering on the pond, the +silent forests and towering peaks, the blue sky overhead, the dead trees +where thousands of bats hung in nauseating clusters, thicker than the +leaves in Valembrosa--and Kitten Brown and I, cross-legged upon our +pneumatic raft, hands clasped in pledge of deathless devotion to science +and a fraternity unending. + +"And how about that girl?" he asked. + +"What girl?" + +"Angelica White?" + +"Well," said I, "_what_ about her?" + +"Does she go with the lake or with the fish?" + +"What do you mean?" I asked coldly, withdrawing my hand from his clasp. + +"I mean, which of us gets the first chance to win her?" he said, +blushing. "There's no use denying that we both have been bowled over +by her; is there?" + +I pondered for several moments. + +"She is an extremely intelligent girl," I said, stalling. + +"Yes, and then some." + +After a few minutes' further thought, I said: + +"Possibly I am in error, but at moments it has seemed to me that my +marked attentions to Miss White are not wholly displeasing to her. I may +be mistaken--" + +"I think you are, Smith." + +"Why?" + +"Because--well, because I seem to think so." + +I said coldly: + +"Because she happened to faint away in your arms last night is no symptom +that she prefers you. Is it?" + +"No." + +"Then why do you seem to think that tactful, delicate, and assiduous +attentions on my part may prove not entirely unwelcome to this unusually +intelligent--" + +"Smith!" + +"What?" + +"Miss White is not only a trained nurse, but she also is about to receive +her diploma as a physician." + +"How do you know?" + +"She told me." + +"When?" + +"When you were building the fire last night. Also, she informed me that +she had relentlessly dedicated herself to a eugenic marriage." + +"When did she tell you _that_?" + +"While you were bringing in a bucket of water from the lake last night. +And furthermore, she told me that _I_ was perfectly suited for a eugenic +marriage." + +"_When_ did she tell you _that_?" I demanded. + +"When she had--fainted--in my arms." + +"How the devil did she come to say a thing like that?" + +He became conspicuously red about the ears: + +"Well, I had just told her that I had fallen in love with her--" + +"Damn!" I said. And that's all I said; and seizing a paddle I made +furiously for shore. Behind me I heard the whirr of the piano wire as +Brown started the electric reel. Later I heard him clamping the hood on +the hydroscope; but I was too disgusted for any further words, and I dug +away at the water with my paddle. + +In various and weird stages of morning deshabille the heavy artillery +came down to the shore for morning ablutions, all a-row like a file of +ducks. + +They glared at me as I leaped ashore: + +"I want my breakfast!" snapped Mrs. Batt. "Do you hear what I say, guide? +And I don't wish to be kept waiting for it either! I desire to get out of +this place as soon as possible." + +"I'm sorry," I said, "but I intend to stay here for some time." + +"What!" bawled the heavy artillery in booming unison. + +But my temper had been sorely tried, and I was in a mood to tell the +truth and make short work of it, too. + +"Ladies," I said, "I'll not mince matters. Mr. Brown and I are not +guides; we are scientists from Bronx Park, and we don't know a bally +thing about this wilderness we're in!" + +"Swindler!" shouted Mrs. Batt, in an enraged voice. "I knew very well +that the United States Government would never have named that puddle of +water after _me_!" + +"Don't worry, madam! I've named it after Mr. Brown. And the new species +of gigantic fish which I discovered in this lake I have named after +myself. As for leaving this spot until I have concluded my scientific +study of these fish, I simply won't. I intend to observe their habits and +to capture one of them if it requires the remainder of my natural life to +do so. I shall be sorry to detain you here during such a period, but it +can't be helped. And now you know what the situation is, and you are at +liberty to think it over after you have washed your countenances in Lake +Kitten Brown." + +Rage possessed the heavy artillery, and a fury indescribable seized them +when they discovered that Indians had raided their half ton of feminine +perquisites. I went up a tree. + +When the tumult had calmed sufficiently for them to distinguish what I +said, I made a speech to them. From the higher branches of a neighboring +tree Kitten Brown applauded and cried, "Hear! Hear!" + +"Ladies," I said, "you know the worst, now. If you keep me up this tree +and starve me to death it will be murder. Also, you don't know enough to +get out of these forests, but I can guide you back the way you came. I'll +do it if you cease your dangerous demonstrations and permit Mr. Brown and +myself to remain here and study these giant fish for a week or two." + +[Illustration: "'If you keep me up this tree and starve me to death +it will be murder.'"] + +They now seemed disposed to consider the idea. There was nothing else for +them to do. So after an hour or two, Brown and I ventured to descend from +our trees, and we went among them to placate them and ingratiate +ourselves as best we might. + +"Think," I argued, "what a matchless opportunity for you to be among the +first discoverers of a totally new and undescribed species of giant fish! +Think what a legacy it will be to leave such a record to posterity! Think +how proud and happy your descendants will be to know that their ancestors +assisted at the discovery of _Minnius Smithii_!" + +"Why can't they be named after _me_?" demanded Mrs. Batt. + +"Because," I explained patiently, "they have already been named after +_me_!" + +"Couldn't _something_ be named after me?" inquired that fearsome lady. + +"The bats," suggested Brown politely, "we could name a bat after you with +pleasure--" + +I thought for a moment she meant to swing on him. He thought so, too, and +ducked. + +"A bat!" she shouted. "Name a _bat_ after _me_!" + +"Many a celebrated scientist has been honoured by having his name +conferred upon humbler fauna," I explained. + +But she remained dangerous, so I went and built the fire, and squatted +there, frying bacon, while on the other side of the fire, sitting side +by side, Kitten Brown and Angelica White gazed upon each other with +enraptured eyes. It was slightly sickening--but let that pass. I was +beginning to understand that science is a jealous mistress and that any +contemplated infidelity of mine stood every chance of being squelched. +No; evidently I had not been fashioned for the joys of legal domesticity. +Science, the wanton jade, had not yet finished her dance with me. +Apparently my maxixe with her was to be external. _Fides servanda est._ + + * * * * * + +That afternoon the heavy artillery held a council of war, and evidently +came to a conclusion to make the best of the situation, for toward +sundown they accosted me with a request for the raft, explaining that +they desired to picnic aboard and afterward row about the lake and +indulge in song. + +So Brown and I put aboard the craft a substantial cold supper; and the +heavy artillery embarked, taking aboard a guitar to be worked by Miss +Dingleheimer, and knitting for the others. + +It was a lovely evening. Brown and I had been discussing a plan to +dynamite the lake and stun the fish, that method appealing to us as the +only possible way to secure a specimen of the stupendous minnows which +inhabited the depths. In fact, it was our only hope of possessing one of +these creatures--fishing with a donkey engine, steel cable, and a hook +baited with a bat being too uncertain and far more laborious and +expensive. + +I was still smoking my pipe, seated at the foot of the big pine-tree, +watching the water turn from gold to pink: Brown sat higher up the slope, +his arm around Angelica White. I carefully kept my back toward them. + +On the lake the heavy artillery were revelling loudly, banqueting, +singing, strumming the guitar, and trailing their hands overboard across +the sunset-tinted water. + +I was thinking of nothing in particular as I now remember, except that I +noticed the bats beginning to flit over the lake; when Brown called to me +from the slope above, asking whether it was perfectly safe for the heavy +artillery to remain out so late. + +"Why?" I demanded. + +"Suppose," he shouted, "that those fish should begin to jump and feed on +the bats again?" + +I had never thought of that. + +I rose and hurried nervously down to the shore, and, making a megaphone +of my hands, I shouted: + +"Come in! It isn't safe to remain out any longer!" + +Scornful laughter from the artillery answered my appeal. + +"You'd better come in!" I called. "You can't tell what might happen if +any of those fish should jump." + +"Mind your business!" retorted Mrs. Batt. "We've had enough of your +prevarications--" + +Then, suddenly, without the faintest shadow of warning, from the centre +of the lake a vast geyser of water towered a hundred feet in the air. + +For one dreadful second I saw the raft hurled skyward, balanced on the +crest of the stupendous fountain, spilling ladies, supper, guitars, and +knitting in every direction. + +Then a horrible thing occurred; fish after fish shot up out of the storm +of water and foam, seizing, as they fell, ladies, luncheon, and knitting +in mid-air, falling back with a crashing shock which seemed to rock the +very mountains. + +[Illustration: "Then a horrible thing occurred."] + +"Help!" I screamed. And fainted dead away. + + * * * * * + +Is it necessary to proceed? Literature nods; Science shakes her head. No, +nothing but literature lies beyond the ripples which splashed musically +upon the shore, terminating forever the last vibration from that +immeasurable catastrophe. + +Why should I go on? The newspapers of the nation have recorded the last +scenes of the tragedy. + +We know that tons of dynamite are being forwarded to that solitary lake. +We know that it is the determination of the Government to rid the world +of those gigantic minnows. + +And yet, somehow, it seems to me as I sit writing here in my office, amid +the verdure of Bronx Park, that the destruction of these enormous fish is +a mistake. + +What more splendid sarcophagus could the ladies of the lake desire than +these huge, silvery, itinerant and living tombs? + +What reward more sumptuous could anybody wish for than to rest at last +within the interior dimness of an absolutely new species of anything? + +For me, such a final repose as this would represent the highest pinnacle +of sublimity, the uttermost zenith of mortal dignity. + + * * * * * + +So what more is there for me to say? + +As for Angelica--but no matter. I hope she may be comparatively happy +with Kitten Brown. Yet, as I have said before, handsome men never last. +But she should have thought of that in time. + +I absolve myself of all responsibility. She had her chance. + + + + +ONE OVER + + + + +I + + +Professor Farrago had remarked to me that morning: + +"The city of New York always reminds me of a slovenly, fat woman with her +dress unbuttoned behind." + +I nodded. + +"New York's architecture," said I, "--or what popularly passes for +it--is all in front. The minute you get to the rear a pitiable condition +is exposed." + +He said: "Professor Jane Bottomly is all facade; the remainder of her is +merely an occiputal backyard full of theoretical tin cans and broken +bottles. I think we all had better resign." + +It was a fearsome description. I trembled as I lighted an inexpensive +cigar. + +The sentimental feminist movement in America was clearly at the bottom of +the Bottomly affair. + +Long ago, in a reactionary burst of hysteria, the North enfranchised the +Ethiopian. In a similar sentimental explosion of dementia, some sixty +years later, the United States wept violently over the immemorial wrongs +perpetrated upon the restless sex, opened the front and back doors of +opportunity, and sobbed out, "Go to it, ladies!" + +They are still going. + +Professor Jane Bottomly was wished on us out of a pleasant April sky. She +fell like a meteoric mass of molten metal upon the Bronx Park Zooelogical +Society splashing her excoriating personality over everybody until +everybody writhed. + +I had not yet seen the lady. I did not care to. Sooner or later I'd be +obliged to meet her but I was not impatient. + +Now the Field Expeditionary Force of the Bronx Park Zooelogical Society +is, perhaps, the most important arm of the service. Professor Bottomly +had just been appointed official head of all field work. Why? Nobody +knew. It is true that she had written several combination nature and love +romances. In these popular volumes trees, flowers, butterflies, birds, +animals, dialect, sobs, and sun-bonnets were stirred up together into a +saccharine mess eagerly gulped down by a provincial reading public, which +immediately protruded its tongue for more. + +The news of her impending arrival among us was an awful blow to everybody +at the Bronx. Professor Farrago fainted in the arms of his pretty +stenographer; Professor Cornelius Lezard of the Batrachian Department ran +around his desk all day long in narrowing circles and was discovered on +his stomach still feebly squirming like an expiring top; Dr. Hans Fooss, +our beloved Professor of Pachydermatology sat for hours weeping into his +noodle soup. As for me, I was both furious and frightened, for, within +the hearing of several people, Professor Bottomly had remarked in a very +clear voice to her new assistant, Dr. Daisy Delmour, that she intended to +get rid of me for the good of the Bronx because of my reputation for +indiscreet gallantry among the feminine employees of the Bronx Society. + +Professor Lezard overhead that outrageous remark and he hastened to +repeat it to me. + +I was lunching at the time in my private office in the Administration +Building with Dr. Hans Fooss--he and I being too busy dissecting an +unusually fine specimen of Dingue to go to the Rolling Stone Inn for +luncheon--when Professor Lezard rushed in with the scandalous libel still +sizzling in his ears. + +"Everybody heard her say it!" he went on, wringing his hands. "It was a +most unfortunate thing for anybody to say about you before all those +young ladies. Every stenographer and typewriter there turned pale and +then red." + +"What!" I exclaimed, conscious that my own ears were growing large and +hot. "Did that outrageous woman have the bad taste to say such a thing +before all those sensitive girls!" + +"She did. She glared at them when she said it. Several blondes and one +brunette began to cry." + +"I hope," said I, a trifle tremulously, "that no typewriter so far forgot +herself as to admit noticing playfulness on my part." + +"They all were tearfully unanimous in declaring you to be a perfect +gentleman!" + +"I am," I said. "I am also a married man--irrevocably wedded to science. +I desire no other spouse. I am ineligible; and everybody knows it. If at +times a purely scientific curiosity leads me into a detached and +impersonally psychological investigation of certain--ah--feminine +idiosyncrasies--" + +"Certainly," said Lezard. "To investigate the feminine is more than a +science; it is a duty!" + +"Of a surety!" nodded Dr. Fooss. + +I looked proudly upon my two loyal friends and bit into my cheese +sandwich. Only men know men. A jury of my peers had exonerated me. What +did I care for Professor Bottomly! + +"All the same," added Lezard, "you'd better be careful or Professor +Bottomly will put one over on you yet." + +"I am always careful," I said with dignity. + +"All men should be. It is the only protection of a defenseless coast +line," nodded Lezard. + +"Und neffer, neffer commid nodding to paper," added Dr. Fooss. "Don'd +neffer write it, 'I lofe you like I was going to blow up alretty!' Ach, +nein! Don'd you write down somedings. Effery man he iss entitled to +protection; und so iss it he iss protected." + +Stein in hand he beamed upon us benevolently over his knifeful of +sauerfisch, then he fed himself and rammed it down with a hearty draught +of Pilsner. We gazed with reverence upon Kultur as embodied in this great +Teuton. + +"That woman," remarked Lezard to me, "certainly means to get rid of you. +It seems to me that there are only two possible ways for you to hold down +your job at the Bronx. You know it, don't you?" + +I nodded. "Yes," I said; "either I must pay marked masculine attention to +Professor Bottomly or I must manage to put one over on her." + +"Of course," said Lezard, "the first method is the easier for _you_--" + +"Not for a minute!" I said, hastily; "I simply couldn't become frolicsome +with her. You say she's got a voice like a drill-sergeant and she +goose-steps when she walks; and I don't mind admitting she has me badly +scared already. No; she must be scientifically ruined. It is the only +method which makes her elimination certain." + +"But if her popular nature books didn't ruin her scientifically, how can +we hope to lead her astray?" inquired Lezard. + +"There is," I said, thoughtfully, "only one thing that can really ruin a +scientist. Ridicule! I have braved it many a time, taking my scientific +life in my hands in pursuit of unknown specimens which might have proved +only imaginary. Public ridicule would have ended my scientific career in +such an event. I know of no better way to end Professor Bottomly's +scientific career and capability for mischief than to start her out after +something which doesn't exist, inform the newspapers, and let her suffer +the agonising consequences." + +Dr. Fooss began to shout: + +"The idea iss schoen! colossal! prachtvol! ausgezeichnet! wunderbar! +wunderschoen! gemuetlich--" A large, tough noodle checked him. While he +labored with Teutonic imperturbability to master it Lezard and I +exchanged suggestions regarding the proposed annihilation of this +fearsome woman who had come ravening among us amid the peaceful and +soporific environment of Bronx Park. + +It was a dreadful thing for us to have our balmy Lotus-eaters' paradise +so startlingly invaded by a large, loquacious, loud-voiced lady who had +already stirred us all out of our agreeable, traditional and leisurely +inertia. Inertia begets cogitation, and cogitation begets ideas, and +ideas beget reflexion, and profound reflexion is the fundamental +cornerstone of that immortal temple in which the goddess Science sits +asleep between her dozing sisters, Custom and Religion. + +This thought seemed to me so unusually beautiful that I wrote it with a +pencil upon my cuff. + +While I was writing it, quietly happy in the deep pleasure that my +intellectual allegory afforded me, Dr. Fooss swabbed the last morsel of +nourishment from his plate with a wad of rye bread, then bolting the +bread and wiping his beard with his fingers and his fingers on his +waistcoat, he made several guttural observations too profoundly German +to be immediately intelligible, and lighted his porcelain pipe. + +"Ach wass!" he remarked in ruminative fashion. "Dot Frauenzimmer she iss +to raise hell alretty determined. Von Pachydermatology she knows nodding. +Maybe she leaves me alone, maybe it is to be 'raus mit me. I' weis' ni'! +It iss aber besser one over on dat lady to put, yess?" + +"It certainly is advisable," replied Lezard. + +"Let us try to think of something sufficiently disastrous to terminate +her scientific career," said I. And I bowed my rather striking head and +rested the point of my forefinger upon my forehead. Thought crystallises +more quickly for me when I assume this attitude. + +Out of the corner of my eye I saw Lezard fold his arms and sit frowning +at infinity. + +Dr. Fooss lay back in a big, deeply padded armchair and closed his +prominent eyes. His pipe went out presently, and now and then he made +long-drawn nasal remarks, in German, too complicated for either Lezard or +for me to entirely comprehend. + +"We must try to get her as far away from here as possible," mused Lezard. +"Is Oyster Bay _too_ far and too cruel?" + +I pondered darkly upon the suggestion. But it seemed unpleasantly like +murder. + +"Lezard," said I, "come, let us reason together. Now _what_ is woman's +besetting emotion?" + +"Curiosity?" + +"Very well; assuming that to be true, what--ah--quality particularly +characterizes woman when so beset." + +"Ruthless determination." + +"Then," said I, "we ought to begin my exciting the curiosity of Professor +Bottomly; and her ruthless determination to satisfy that curiosity should +logically follow." + +"How," he asked, "are we to arouse her curiosity?" + +"By pretending that we have knowledge of something hitherto undiscovered, +the discovery of which would redound to our scientific glory." + +"I see. She'd want the glory for herself. She'd swipe it." + +"She would," said I. + +"Tee--hee!" he giggled; "Wouldn't it be funny to plant something phony on +her--" + +I waved my arms rather gracefully in my excitement: + +"That is the germ of an idea!" I said. "If we could plant +something--something--far away from here--very far away--if we could +bury something--like the Cardiff Giant--" + +"Hundreds and hundreds of miles away!" + +"Thousands!" I insisted, enthusiastically. + +"Tee-hee! In Tasmania, for example! Maybe a Tasmanian Devil might acquire +her!" + +"There exists a gnat," said I, "in Borneo--_Gnatus soporificus_--and +when this tiny gnat stings people they never entirely wake up. It's +really rather a pleasurable catastrophe, I understand. Life becomes +one endless cat-nap--one delightful siesta, with intervals for light +nourishment.... She--ah--could sit very comfortably in some pleasant +retreat and rock in a rocking-chair and doze quite happily through the +years to come.... And from your description of her I should say that +the Soldiers' Home might receive her." + +"It won't do," he said, gloomily. + +"Why? Is it too much like crime?" + +"Oh not at all. Only if she went to Borneo she'd be sure to take a +mosquito-bar with her." + +In the depressed silence which ensued Dr. Fooss suddenly made several +Futurist observations through his nose with monotonous but authoritative +regularity. I tried to catch his meaning and his eye. The one remained +cryptic, the other shut. + +Lezard sat thinking very hard. And as I fidgetted in my chair, fiddling +nervously with various objects lying on my desk I chanced to pick up a +letter from the pile of still unopened mail at my elbow. + +Still pondering on Professor Bottomly's proposed destruction, I turned +the letter over idly and my preoccupied gaze rested on the postmark. +After a moment I leaned forward and examined it more attentively. The +letter directed to me was postmarked Fort Carcajou, Cook's Peninsula, +Baffin Land; and now I recalled the handwriting, having already seen it +three or four times within the last month or so. + +"Lezard," I said, "that lunatic trapper from Baffin Land has written to +me again. What do you suppose is the matter with him? Is he just plain +crazy or does he think he can be funny with me?" + +Lezard gazed at me absently. Then, all at once a gleam of savage interest +lighted his somewhat solemn features. + +"Read the letter to me," he said, with an evil smile which instantly +animated my own latent imagination. And immediately it occurred to me +that perhaps, in the humble letter from the wilds of Baffin Land, which I +was now opening with eager and unsteady fingers, might lie concealed the +professional undoing of Professor Jane Bottomly, and the only hope of my +own ultimate and scientific salvation. + +The room became hideously still as I unfolded the pencil-scrawled sheets +of cheap, ruled letter paper. + +Dr. Fooss opened his eyes, looked at me, made porcine sounds indicative +of personal well-being, relighted his pipe, and disposed himself to +listen. But just as I was about to begin, Lezard suddenly laid his +forefinger across his lips conjuring us to densest silence. + +For a moment or two I heard nothing except the buzzing of flies. Then +I stole a startled glance at my door. It was opening slowly, almost +imperceptibly. + +But it did not open very far--just a crack remained. Then, listening with +all our might, we heard the cautiously suppressed breathing of somebody +in the hallway just outside of my door. + +Lezard turned and cast at me a glance of horrified intelligence. In dumb +pantomime he outlined in the air, with one hand, the large and feminine +amplification of his own person, conveying to us the certainty of his +suspicions concerning the unseen eavesdropper. + +We nodded. We understood perfectly that _she_ was out there prepared to +listen to every word we uttered. + +A flicker of ferocious joy disturbed Lezard's otherwise innocuous +features; he winked horribly at Dr. Fooss and at me, and uttered a faint +click with his teeth and tongue like the snap of a closing trap. + +"Gentlemen," he said, in the guarded yet excited voice of a man who is +confident of not being overheard, "the matter under discussion admits of +only one interpretation: a discovery--perhaps the most vitally important +discovery of all the centuries--is imminent. + +"Secrecy is imperative; the scientific glory is to be shared by us alone, +and there is enough of glory to go around. + +"Mr. Chairman, I move that epoch-making letter be read aloud!" + +"I second dot motion!" said Dr. Fooss, winking so violently at me that +his glasses wabbled. + +"Gentlemen," said I, "it has been moved and seconded that this +epoch-making letter be read aloud. All those in favor will kindly +say 'aye.'" + +"Aye! Aye!" they exclaimed, fairly wriggling in their furtive joy. + +"The contrary-minded will kindly emit the usual negation," I went +on.... "It seems to be carried.... It _is_ carried. The chairman will +proceed to the reading of the epoch-making letter." + +I quietly lighted a five-cent cigar, unfolded the letter and read aloud: + + "Joneses Shack, + + Golden Glacier, + Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land, + + March 15, 1915. + + "Professor, Dear Sir: + + "I already wrote you three times no answer having been rec'd perhaps + you think I'm kiddin' you're a dam' liar I ain't. + + "Hoping to tempt you to come I will hereby tell you more'n I told you + in my other letters, the terminal moraine of this here Golden Glacier + finishes into a marsh, nothing to see for miles excep' frozen tussock + and mud and all flat as hell for fifty miles which is where I am + trappin' it for mink and otter and now ready to go back to Fort + Carcajou. i told you what I seen stickin' in under this here marsh, + where anything sticks out the wolves have eat it, but most of them + there ellerphants is in under the ice and mud too far for the wolves to + git 'em. + + "i ain't kiddin' you, there is a whole herd of furry ellerphants in the + marsh like as they were stuck there and all lay down and was drownded + like. Some has tusks and some hasn't. Two ellerphants stuck out of the + ice, I eat onto one, the meat was good and sweet and joosy, the damn + wolves eat it up that night, I had cut stakes and rost for three months + though and am eating off it yet. + + "Thinking as how ellerphants and all like that is your graft, I being + a keeper in the Mouse House once in the Bronx and seein' you nosin' + around like you was full of scientific thinks, it comes to me to write + you and put you next. + + "If you say so I'll wait here and help you with them ellerphants. + Livin' wages is all I ask also eleven thousand dollars for tippin' you + wise. I won't tell nobody till I hear from you. I'm hones' you can + trus' me. Write me to Fort Carcajou if you mean bizness. So no more + respectfully, + + James Skaw." + +When I finished reading I cautiously glanced at the door, and, finding it +still on the crack, turned and smiled subtly upon Lezard and Fooss. + +In their slowly spreading grins I saw they agreed with me that somebody, +signing himself James Skaw, was still trying to hoax the Great Zooelogical +Society of Bronx Park. + +"Gentlemen," I said aloud, injecting innocent enthusiasm into my voice, +"this secret expedition to Baffin Land which we three are about to +organise is destined to be without doubt the most scientifically prolific +field expedition ever organised by man. + +"Imagine an entire herd of mammoths preserved in mud and ice through all +these thousands of years! + +"Gentlemen, no discovery ever made has even remotely approached in +importance the discovery made by this simple, illiterate trapper, James +Skaw." + +"I thought," protested Lezard, "that _we_ are to be announced as the +discoverers." + +"We are," said I, "the discoverers of James Skaw, which makes +us technically the finders of the ice-preserved herd of +mammoths--_technically_, you understand. A few thousand dollars," +I added, carelessly, "ought to satiate James Skaw." + +"We could name dot glacier after him," suggested Dr. Fooss. + +"Certainly--the Skaw Glacier. That ought to be enough glory for him. It +ought to satisfy him and prevent any indiscreet remarks," nodded Lezard. + +"Gentlemen," said I, "there is only one detail that really troubles me. +Ought we to notify our honoured and respected Chief of Division +concerning this discovery?" + +"Do you mean, should we tell that accomplished and fascinating lady, +Professor Bottomly, about this herd of mammoths?" I asked in a loud, +clear voice. And immediately answered my own question: "No," I said, "no, +dear friends. Professor Bottomly already has too much responsibility +weighing upon her distinguished mind. No, dear brothers in science, we +should steal away unobserved as though setting out upon an ordinary field +expedition. And when we return with fresh and immortal laurels such as no +man before has ever worn, no doubt that our generous-minded Chief of +Division will weave for us further wreaths to crown our brows--the +priceless garlands of professional approval!" And I made a horrible face +at my co-conspirators. + +Before I finished Lezard had taken his own face in his hands for the +purpose of stifling raucous and untimely mirth. As for Dr. Fooss, his +small, porcine eyes snapped and twinkled madly behind his spectacles, but +he seemed rather inclined to approve my flowers of rhetoric. + +"Ja," said he, "so iss it besser oursellufs dot gefrozenss herd von +elephanten to discover, und, by and by, die elephanten bei der Pronx Bark +home yet again once more to bring. We shall therefore much praise thereby +bekommen. Ach wass!" + +"Gentlemen," said I, distinctly, "it is decided, then, that we shall say +nothing concerning the true object of this expedition to Professor +Bottomly." + +Lezard and Fooss nodded assent. Then, in the silence, we all strained our +ears to listen. And presently we detected the scarcely heard sound of +cautiously retreating footsteps down the corridor. + +When it was safe to do so I arose and closed my door. + +"I think," said I, with a sort of infernal cheerfulness in my tones, +"that we are about to do something jocose to Jane Bottomly." + +"A few," said Professor Lezard. He rose and silently executed a +complicated ballet-step. + +"I shall laff," said Dr. Fooss, earnestly, "und I shall laff, und I shall +laff--ach Gott how I shall laff my pally head off!" + +I folded my arms and turned romanesquely toward the direction in which +Professor Bottomly had retreated. + +"Viper!" I said. "The Bronx shall nourish you in its bosom no more! Fade +away, Ophidian!" + +The sentiment was applauded by all. There chanced to be in my desk a +bottle marked: "That's all!" On the label somebody had written: "Do it +now!" We did. + + + + +III + + +It was given out at the Bronx that our field expedition to Baffin +Land was to be undertaken solely for the purpose of bringing back +living specimens of the five-spotted Arctic woodcock--_Philohela +quinquemaculata_--in order to add to our onomatology and our glossary +of onomatopoeia an ontogenesis of this important but hitherto unstudied +sub-species. + +I trust I make myself clear. Scientific statements should be as clear as +the Spuyten Duyvil. _Sola in stagno salus!_ + +But two things immediately occurred which worried us; Professor Bottomly +sent us official notification that she approved our expedition to Baffin +Land, designated the steamer we were to take, and enclosed tickets. That +scared us. Then to add to our perplexity Professor Bottomly disappeared, +leaving Dr. Daisy Delmour in charge of her department during what she +announced might be "a somewhat prolonged absence on business." + +And during the four feverish weeks of our pretended preparations for +Baffin Land not one word did we hear from Jane Bottomly, which caused us +painful inquietude as the hour approached for our departure. + +Was this formidable woman actually intending to let us depart alone +for the Golden Glacier? Was she too lazy to rob us of the secretly +contemplated glory which we had pretended awaited us? + +We had been so absolutely convinced that she would forbid our expedition, +pack us off elsewhere, and take charge herself of an exploring party to +Baffin Land, that, as the time for our leaving drew near we became first +uneasy, and then really alarmed. + +It would be a dreadful jest on us if she made us swallow our own +concoction; if she revealed to our colleagues our pretended knowledge of +the Golden Glacier and James Skaw and the supposedly ice-imbedded herd of +mammoths, and then publicly forced us to investigate this hoax. + +More horrible still would it be if she informed the newspapers and gave +them a hint to make merry over the three wise men of the Bronx who went +to Baffin Land in a boat. + +"_What_ do you suppose that devious and secretive female is up to?" +inquired Lezard who, within the last few days, had grown thin with worry. +"Is it possible that she is sufficiently degraded to suspect us of trying +to put one over on her? Is that what she is now doing to us?" + +"_Terminus est_--it is the limit!" said I. + +He turned a morbid eye upon me. "She is making a monkey of us. That's +what!" + +"_Suspendenda omnia naso_," I nodded; "_tarde sed tute_. When I think +aloud in Latin it means that I am deeply troubled. _Suum quemque scelus +agitat._ Do you get me, Professor? I'm sorry I attempted to be sportive +with this terrible woman. The curse of my scientific career has been +periodical excesses of frivolity. See where this frolicsome impulse +has landed me!--_super abyssum ambulans. Trahit sua quemque voluptas; +transeat in exemplum!_ She means to let us go to our destruction on this +mammoth frappe affair." + +But Dr. Fooss was optimistic: + +"I tink she iss alretty herselluf by dot Baffin Land ge-gone," he said. +"I tink she has der bait ge-swallowed. Ve vait; ve see; und so iss it ve +know." + +"But why hasn't she stopped our preparations?" I demanded. "If she wants +all the glory herself why does she permit us to incur this expense in +getting ready?" + +"No mans can to know der vorkings of der mental brocess by a +Frauenzimmer," said Dr. Fooss, wagging his head. + +The suspense became nerve-racking; we were obliged to pack our camping +kits; and it began to look as though we would have either to sail the +next morning or to resign from the Bronx Park Zooelogical Society, because +all the evening papers had the story in big type--the details and objects +of the expedition, the discovery of the herd of mammoths in cold storage, +the prompt organization of an expedition to secure this unparalleled +deposit of prehistoric mammalia--everything was there staring at us in +violent print, excepting only the name of the discoverer and the names of +those composing the field expedition. + +"She means to betray us after we have sailed," said Lezard, greatly +depressed. "We might just as well resign now before this hoax explodes +and bespatters us. We can take our chances in vaudeville or as lecturing +professors with the movies." + +I thought so, too, in point of fact we all had gathered in my study to +write out our resignations, when there came a knock at the door and Dr. +Daisy Delmour walked in. + +Oddly enough I had not before met Dr. Delmour personally; only formal +written communications had hitherto passed between us. My idea of her +had doubtless been inspired by the physical and intellectual aberrations +of her chief; I naturally supposed her to be either impossible and +corporeally redundant, or intellectually and otherwise as weazened as +last year's Li-che nut. + +I was criminally mistaken. And why Lezard, who knew her, had never set me +right I could not then understand. I comprehended later. + +For the feminine assistant of Professor Jane Bottomly, who sauntered into +my study and announced herself, had the features of Athene, the smile of +Aphrodite, and the figure of Psyche. I believe I do not exaggerate these +scientific details, although it has been said of me that any pretty girl +distorts my vision and my intellectual balance to the detriment of my +calmer reason and my differentiating ability. + +"Gentlemen," said Dr. Delmour, while we stood in a respectful semi-circle +before her, modestly conscious of our worth, our toes turned out, and +each man's features wreathed with that politely unnatural smirk which +masculine features assume when confronted by feminine beauty. "Gentlemen, +on the eve of your proposed departure for Baffin Land in quest of living +specimens of the five-spotted _Philohela quinquemaculata_, I have been +instructed by Professor Bottomly to announce to you a great good fortune +for her, for you, for the Bronx, for America, for the entire civilized +world. + +"It has come to Professor Bottomly's knowledge, recently I believe, that +an entire herd of mammoths lie encased in the mud and ice of the vast +flat marshes which lie south of the terminal moraine of the Golden +Glacier in that part of Baffin Land known as Dr. Cook's Peninsula. + +"The credit of this epoch-making discovery is Professor Bottomly's +entirely. How it happened, she did not inform me. One month ago today she +sailed in great haste for Baffin Land. At this very hour she is doubtless +standing all alone upon the frozen surface of that wondrous marsh, +contemplating with reverence and awe and similar holy emotions the fruits +of her own unsurpassed discovery!" + +Dr. Delmour's lovely features became delicately suffused and transfigured +as she spoke; her exquisite voice thrilled with generous emotion; she +clasped her snowy hands and gazed, enraptured, at the picture of Dr. +Bottomly which her mind was so charmingly evoking. + +"Perhaps," she whispered, "perhaps at this very instant, in the midst of +that vast and flat and solemn desolation the only protuberance visible +for miles and miles is Professor Bottomly. Perhaps the pallid Arctic sun +is setting behind the majestic figure of Professor Bottomly, radiating a +blinding glory to the zenith, illuminating the crowning act of her career +with its unearthly aura!" + +She gazed at us out of dimmed and violet eyes. + +"Gentlemen," she said, "I am ordered to take command of this expedition +of yours; I am ordered to sail with you tomorrow morning on the Labrador +and Baffin Line steamer _Dr. Cook_. + +"The object of your expedition, therefore, is not to be the quest of +_Philohela quinquemaculata_; your duty now is to corroborate the almost +miraculous discovery of Professor Bottomly, and to disinter for her the +vast herd of frozen mammoths, pack and pickle them, and get them to the +Bronx. + +"Tomorrow's morning papers will have the entire story: the credit and +responsibility for the discovery and the expedition belong to Professor +Bottomly, and will be given to her by the press and the populace of our +great republic. + +"It is her wish that no other names be mentioned. Which is right. To the +discoverer belongs the glory. Therefore, the marsh is to be named +Bottomly's Marsh, and the Glacier, Bottomly's Glacier. + +"Yours and mine is to be the glory of laboring incognito under the +direction of the towering scientific intellect of the age, Professor +Bottomly. + +"And the most precious legacy you can leave your children--if you get +married and have any--is that you once wielded the humble pick and shovel +for Jane Bottomly on the bottomless marsh which bears her name!" + + * * * * * + +After a moment's silence we three men ventured to look sideways at +each other. We had certainly killed Professor Bottomly, scientifically +speaking. The lady was practically dead. The morning papers would +consummate the murder. We didn't know whether we wanted to laugh or not. + +She was now virtually done for; that seemed certain. So greedily had this +egotistical female swallowed the silly bait we offered, so arrogantly had +she planned to eliminate everybody excepting herself from the credit of +the discovery, that there seemed now nothing left for us to do except to +watch her hurdling deliriously toward destruction. _Should_ we burst into +hellish laughter? + +We looked hard at Dr. Delmour and we decided not to--yet. + +Said I: "To assist at the final apotheosis of Professor Bottomly makes us +very, very happy. We are happy to remain incognito, mere ciphers blotted +out by the fierce white light which is about to beat upon Professor +Bottomly, fore and aft. We are happy that our participation in this +astonishing affair shall never be known to science. + +"But, happiest of all are we, dear Dr. Delmour, in the knowledge that +_you_ are to be with us and of us, incognito on this voyage now imminent; +that you are to be our revered and beloved leader. + +"And I, for one, promise you personally the undivided devotion of a man +whose entire and austere career has been dedicated to science--in _all_ +its branches." + +I stepped forward rather gracefully and raised her little hand to my lips +to let her see that even the science of gallantry had not been neglected +by me. + +Dr. Daisy Delmour blushed. + +"Therefore," said I, "considering the fact that our names are not to +figure in this expedition; and, furthermore, in consideration of the fact +that _you_ are going, we shall be very, very happy to accompany you, Dr. +Delmour." I again saluted her hand, and again Dr. Delmour blushed and +looked sideways at Professor Lezard. + + + + +IV + + +It was, to be accurate, exactly twenty-three days later that our voyage +by sea and land ended one Monday morning upon the gigantic terminal +moraine of the Golden Glacier, Cook's Peninsula, Baffin Land. + +Four pack-mules carried our luggage, four more bore our persons; an +arctic dicky-bird sat on a bowlder and said, "Pilly-willy-willy! Tweet! +Tweet!" + +As we rode out to the bowlder-strewn edge of the moraine the rising sun +greeted us cordially, illuminating below us the flat surface of the marsh +which stretched away to the east and south as far as the eye could see. + +So flat was it that we immediately made out the silhouettes of two mules +tethered below us a quarter of a mile away. + +Something about the attitude of these mules arrested our attention, and, +gazing upon them through our field-glasses we beheld Professor Bottomly. + +That resourceful lady had mounted a pneumatic hammock upon the two mules, +their saddles had sockets to fit the legs of the galvanized iron tripod. + +No matter in which way the mules turned, sliding swivels on the hollow +steel frames regulated the hammock slung between them. It was an infernal +invention. + +There lay Jane Bottomly asleep, her black hair drying over the hammock's +edge, gilded to a peroxide lustre by the rays of the rising sun. + +I gazed upon her with a sort of ferocious pity. Her professional days +were numbered. _I_ also had her number! + +"How majestically she slumbers," whispered Dr. Delmour to me, "dreaming, +doubtless, of her approaching triumph." + +Dr. Fooss and Professor Lezard, driving the pack-mules ahead of them, +were already riding out across the marsh. + +"Daisy," I said, leaning from my saddle and taking one of her gloved +hands into mine, "the time has come for me to disillusion you. There are +no mammoths in that mud down there." + +She looked at me in blue-eyed amazement. + +"You are mistaken," she said; "Professor Bottomly is celebrated for the +absolute and painstaking accuracy of her deductions and the boldness and +the imagination of her scientific investigations. She is the most +cautious scientist in America; she would never announce such a discovery +to the newspapers unless she were perfectly certain of its truth." + +I was sorry for this young girl. I pressed her hand because I was sorry +for her. After a few moments of deepest thought I felt so sorry for her +that I kissed her. + +[Illustration: "I felt so sorry for her that I kissed her."] + +"You mustn't," said Dr. Delmour, blushing. + +The things we mustn't do are so many that I can't always remember all of +them. + +"Daisy," I said, "shall we pledge ourselves to each other for +eternity--here in the presence of this immemorial glacier which moves a +thousand inches a year--I mean an inch every thousand years--here in +these awful solitudes where incalculable calculations could not enlighten +us concerning the number of cubic tons of mud in that marsh--here in the +presence of these innocent mules--" + +"Oh, look!" exclaimed Dr. Delmour, lifting her flushed cheek from my +shoulder. "There is a man in the hammock with Professor Bottomly!" + +I levelled my field-glasses incredulously. Good Heavens! There _was_ a +man there. He was sitting on the edge of the hammock in a dejected +attitude, his booted legs dangling. + +And, as I gazed, I saw the arm of Professor Bottomly raised as though +groping instinctively for something in her slumber--saw her fingers close +upon the blue-flannel shirt of her companion, saw his timid futile +attempts to elude her, saw him inexorably hauled back and his head +forcibly pillowed upon her ample chest. + +"Daisy!" I faltered, "what does yonder scene of presumable domesticity +mean?" + +"I--I haven't the faintest idea!" she stammered. + +"Is that lady married! Or is this revelry?" I asked, sternly. + +"She wasn't married when she sailed from N-New-York," faltered Dr. +Delmour. + +We rode forward in pained silence, spurring on until we caught up with +Lezard and Fooss and the pack-mules; then we all pressed ahead, a prey, +now, to the deepest moral anxiety and agitation. + +The splashing of our mule's feet on the partly melted surface of the mud +aroused the man as we rode up and he scrambled madly to get out of the +hammock as soon as he saw us. + +A detaining feminine hand reached mechanically for his collar, groped +aimlessly for a moment, and fell across the hammock's edge. Evidently its +owner was too sleepy for effort. + +Meanwhile the man who had floundered free from the hammock, leaped +overboard and came hopping stiffly over the slush toward us like a +badly-winged snipe. + +"Who are you?" I demanded, drawing bridle so suddenly that I found myself +astride of my mule's ears. Sliding back into the saddle, I repeated the +challenge haughtily, inwardly cursing my horsemanship. + +He stood balancing his lank six feet six of bony altitude for a few +moments without replying. His large gentle eyes of baby blue were fixed +on me. + +"Speak!" I said. "The reputation of a lady is at stake! Who are you? We +ask, before we shoot you, for purpose of future identification." + +He gazed at me wildly. "I dunno who I be," he replied. "My name _was_ +James Skaw before that there lady went an' changed it on me. She says she +has changed my name to hers. I dunno. All I know is I'm married." + +"_Married!_" echoed Dr. Delmour. + +He looked dully at the girl, then fixed his large mild eyes on me. + +"A mission priest done it for her a month ago when we was hikin' towards +Fort Carcajou. Hoon-hel are you?" he added. + +I informed him with dignity; he blinked at me, at the others, at the +mules. Then he said with infinite bitterness: + +"You're a fine guy, ain't you, a-wishin' this here lady onto a pore +pelt-hunter what ain't never done nothin' to you!" + +"Who did you say I wished on you?" I demanded, bewildered. + +"That there lady a-sleepin' into the nuptool hammick! You wished her onto +me--yaas you did! Whatnhel have I done to you, hey?" + +We were dumb. He shoved his hand into his pocket, produced a slug of +twist, slowly gnawed off a portion, and buried the remains in his vast +jaw. + +"All I done to you," he said, "was to write you them letters sayin's as +how I found a lot of ellerphants into the mud. + +"What you done to me was to send that there lady here. Was that +gratitood? Man to man I ask you?" + +A loud snore from the hammock startled us all. James Skaw twisted his +neck turkey-like, and looked warily at the hammock, then turning toward +me: + +"Aw," he said, "she don't never wake up till I have breakfast ready." + +"James Skaw," I said, "tell me what has happened. On my word of honor I +don't know." + +He regarded me with lack-lustre eyes. + +"I was a-settin' onto a bowlder," said he, "a-fig-urin' out whether you +was a-comin' or not, when that there lady rides up with her led-mule a +trailin'. + +"Sez she: 'Are you James Skaw?' + +"Yes, marm,' sez I, kinder scared an' puzzled. + +"'Where is them ellerphants?' sez she, reachin' down from her saddle an' +takin' me by the shirt collar, an' beatin' me with her umbrella. + +"Sez I, 'I have wrote to a certain gent that I would show him them +ellerphants for a price. Bein' strictly hones' I can't show 'em to no one +else until I hear from him.' + +"With that she continood to argoo the case with her umbrella, never +lettin' go of my shirt collar. Sir, she argood until dinner time, an' +then she resoomed the debate until I fell asleep. The last I knowed she +was still conversin'. + +"An' so it went next day, all day long, an' the next day. I couldn't +stand it no longer so I started for Fort Carcajau. But she bein' onto a +mule, run me down easy, an' kep' beside me conversin' volooble. + +"Sir, do you know what it is to listen to umbrella argooment every day, +all day long, from sun-up to night-fall? An' then some more? + +"I was loony, I tell you, when we met the mission priest. 'Marry me,' sez +she, 'or I'll talk you to death!' I didn't realise what she was sayin' +an' what I answered. But them words I uttered done the job, it seems. + +"We camped there an' slep' for two days without wakin.' When I waked up +I was convalescent. + +"She was good to me. She made soup an' she wrapped blankets onto me an' +she didn't talk no more until I was well enough to endoor it. + +"An' by'm'by she brooke the nooze to me that we was married an' that she +had went as far as to marry me in the sacred cause of science because man +an' wife is one, an' what I knowed about them ellerphants she now had a +right to know. + +"Sir, she had put one over on me. So bein' strickly hones' I had to show +her where them ellerphants lay froze up under the marsh." + + + + +V + + +Where the ambition of this infatuated woman had led her appalled us all. +The personal sacrifice she had made in the name of science awed us. + +Still when I remembered that detaining arm sleepily lifted from the +nuptual hammock, I was not so certain concerning her continued martyrdom. + +I cast an involuntary glance of critical appraisal upon James Skaw. He +had the golden hair and beard of the early Christian martyr. His features +were classically regular; he stood six feet six; he was lean because fit, +sound as a hound's tooth, and really a superb specimen of masculine +health. + +Curry him and trim him and clothe him in evening dress and his physical +appearance would make a sensation at the Court of St. James. Only his +English required manicuring. + +The longer I looked at him the better I comprehended that detaining hand +from the hammock. _Fabas indulcet fames_. + +Then, with a shock, it rushed over me that there evidently had been some +ground for this man's letters to me concerning a herd of frozen mammoths. + +Professor Bottomly had not only married him to obtain the information but +here she was still camping on the marsh! + +"James Skaw," I said, tremulously, "where are those mammoths?" + +He looked at me, then made a vague gesture: + +"Under the mud--everywhere--all around us." + +"Has _she_ seen them?" + +"Yes, I showed her about a hundred. There's one under you. Look! you can +see him through the slush." + +"Ach Gott!" burst from Dr. Fooss, and he tottered in his saddle. Lezard, +frightfully pale, passed a shaking hand over his brow. As for me my hair +became dank with misery, for there directly under my feet, the vast hairy +bulk of a mammoth lay dimly visible through the muddy ice. + +What I had done to myself when I was planning to do Professor Bottomly +suddenly burst upon me in all its hideous proportions. Fame, the plaudits +of the world, the highest scientific honours--all these in my effort to +annihilate her, I had deliberately thrust upon this woman to my own +everlasting detriment and disgrace. + +A sort of howl escaped from Dr. Fooss, who had dismounted and who had +been scratching in the slush with his feet like a hen. For already this +slight gallinaceous effort of his had laid bare a hairy section of frozen +mammoth. + +Lezard, weeping bitterly, squatted beside him clawing at the thin skin of +ice with a pick-axe. + +It seemed more than I could bear and I flung myself from my mule and +seizing a spade, fell violently to work, the tears of rage and +mortification coursing down my cheeks. + +"Hurrah!" cried Dr. Delmour, excitedly, scrambling down from her mule and +lifting a box of dynamite from her saddle-bags. + +Transfigured with enthusiasm she seized a crowbar, traced in the slush +the huge outlines of the buried beast, then, measuring with practiced eye +the irregular zone of cleavage, she marked out a vast oval, dug holes +along it with her bar, dropped into each hole a stick of dynamite, got +out the batteries and wires, attached the fuses, covered each charge, +and retired on a run toward the moraine, unreeling wire as she sped +upward among the bowlders. + +Half frantic with grief and half mad with the excitement of the moment we +still had sense enough to shoulder our tools and drive our mules back +across the moraine. + +Only the mule-hammock in which reposed Professor Bottomly remained on the +marsh. For one horrid instant temptation assailed me to press the button +before James Skaw could lead the hammock-mules up to the moraine. It was +my closest approach to crime. + +With a shudder I viewed the approach of the mules. James Skaw led them by +the head; the hammock on its bar and swivels swung gently between them; +Professor Bottomly slept, lulled, no doubt, to deeper slumber by the +gently swaying hammock. + +When the hammock came up, one by one we gazed upon its unconscious +occupant. + +And, even amid dark and revengeful thoughts, amid a mental chaos of grief +and fury and frantic self-reproach, I had to admit to myself that Jane +Bottomly was a fine figure of a woman, and good-looking, too, and that +her hair was all her own and almost magnificent at that. + +With a modiste to advise her, a maid to dress her, I myself might +have--but let that pass. Only as I gazed upon her fresh complexion and +the softly parted red lips of Professor Bottomly, and as I noted the +beautiful white throat and prettily shaped hands, a newer, bitterer, and +more overwhelming despair seized me; and I realized now that perhaps I +had thrown away more than fame, honours, applause; I had perhaps thrown +away love! + +At that moment Professor Bottomly awoke. For a moment her lilac-tinted +eyes had a dazed expression, then they widened, and she lay very quietly +looking from one to another of us, cradled in the golden glory of her +hair, perfectly mistress of herself, and her mind as clear as a bell. + +"Well," she said, "so you have arrived at last." And to Dr. Delmour she +smilingly extended a cool, fresh hand. + +"Have you met my husband?" she inquired. + +We admitted that we had. + +"James!" she called. + +At the sound of her voice James Skaw hopped nimbly to do her bidding. A +tender smile came into her face as she gazed upon her husband. She made +no explanation concerning him, no apology for him. And, watching her, it +slowly filtered into my mind that she liked him. + +With one hand in her husband's and one on Dr. Delmour's arm she listened +to Daisy's account of what we were about to do to the imbedded mammoth, +and nodded approval. + +James Skaw turned the mules so that she might watch the explosion. She +twisted up her hair, then sat up in her hammock; Daisy Delmour pressed +the electric button; there came a deep jarring sound, a vast upheaval, +and up out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_ and toppled +gently over upon the surface of the ice. + +[Illustration: "Out of the mud rose _five or six dozen mammoths_."] + +Miserable as we were at such an astonishing spectacle we raised a tragic +cheer as Professor Bottomly sprang out of her hammock and, telling Dr. +Delmour to get a camera, seized her husband and sped down to where one of +the great, hairy frozen beasts lay on the ice in full sunshine. + +And then we tasted the last drop of gall which our over-slopping cup of +bitterness held for us; Professor Bottomly climbed up the sides of the +frozen mammoth, dragging her husband with her, and stood there waving a +little American flag while Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera +to record the scientific triumph of the ages. + +[Illustration: "Dr. Delmour used up every film in the camera to record +the scientific triumph of the ages."] + +Almost idiotic with the shock of my great grief I reeled and tottered +away among the bowlders. Fooss came to find me; and when he found me he +kicked me violently for some time. "Esel dumkopf!" he said. + +When he was tired Lezard came and fell upon me, showering me with kicks +and anathema. + +When he went away I beat my head with my fists for a while. Every little +helped. + +After a time I smelled cooking, and presently Dr. Delmour came to where I +sat huddled up miserably in the sun behind the bowlder. + +"Luncheon is ready," she said. + +I groaned. + +"Don't you feel well?" + +I said that I did not. + +She lingered apparently with the idea of cheering me up. "It's been +such fun," she said. "Professor Lezard and I have already located over +a hundred and fifty mammoths within a short distance of here, and +apparently there are hundreds, if not thousands, more in the vicinity. +The ivory alone is worth over a million dollars. Isn't it wonderful!" + +She laughed excitedly and danced away to join the others. Then, out of +the black depth of my misery a feeble gleam illuminated the Stygian +obscurity. There was one way left to stay my approaching downfall--only +one. Professor Bottomly meant to get rid of me, "for the good of the +Bronx," but there remained a way to ward off impending disaster. And +though I had lost the opportunity of my life by disbelieving the simple +honesty of James Skaw,--and though the honors and emoluments and applause +which ought to have been mine were destined for this determined woman, +still, if I kept my head, I should be able to hold my job at the Bronx. + +Dr. Delmour was immovable in the good graces of Professor Bottomly; and +the only way for me to retain my position was to marry her. + +The thought comforted me. After a while I felt well enough to arise and +partake of some luncheon. + +They were all seated around the campfire when I approached. I was +welcomed politely, inquiries concerning my health were offered; but the +coldly malevolent glare of Dr. Fooss and the calm contempt in Lezard's +gaze chilled me; and I squatted down by Daisy Delmour and accepted a dish +of soup from her in mortified silence. + +Professor Bottomly and James Skaw were feasting connubially side by side, +and she was selecting titbits for him which he dutifully swallowed, his +large mild eyes gazing at vacancy in a gentle, surprised sort of way as +he gulped down what she offered him. + +Neither of them paid any attention to anybody else. + +Fooss gobbled his lunch in a sort of raging silence; Lezard, on the other +side of Dr. Delmour, conversed with her continually in undertones. + +After a while his persistent murmuring began to make me uneasy, even +suspicious, and I glared at him sideways. + +Daisy Delmour, catching my eye, blushed, hesitated, then leaning over +toward me with delightful confusion she whispered: + +"I know that you will be glad to hear that I have just promised to marry +your closest friend, Professor Lezard--" + +"What!" I shouted with all my might, "have _you_ put one over on me, +too?" + +Lezard and Fooss seized me, for I had risen and was jumping up and down +and splashing them with soup. + +"Everybody has put one over on me!" I shrieked. "Everybody! Now I'm going +to put one over on myself!" + +[Illustration: "'Everybody has put one over on me!' I shrieked."] + +And I lifted my plate of soup and reversed it on my head. + +They told me later that I screamed for half an hour before I swooned. + +Afterward, my intellect being impaired, instead of being dismissed from +my department, I was promoted to the position which I now hold as +President Emeritus of the Consolidated Art Museums and Zooelogical Gardens +of the City of New York. + +I have easy hours, little to do, and twenty ornamental stenographers and +typewriters engaged upon my memoirs which I dictate when I feel like it, +steeped in the aroma of the most inexpensive cigar I can buy at the +Rolling Stone Inn. + +There is one typist in particular--but let that pass. + +_Vir sapit qui pauca loquitor._ + + + + +UN PEU D'AMOUR + + + + +When I returned to the plateau from my investigation of the crater, I +realized that I had descended the grassy pit as far as any human being +could descend. No living creature could pass that barrier of flame and +vapour. Of that I was convinced. + +Now, not only the crater but its steaming effluvia was utterly unlike +anything I had ever before beheld. There was no trace of lava to be +seen, or of pumice, ashes, or of volcanic rejecta in any form whatever. +There were no sulphuric odours, no pungent fumes, nothing to teach the +olfactory nerves what might be the nature of the silvery steam rising +from the crater incessantly in a vast circle, ringing its circumference +halfway down the slope. + +Under this thin curtain of steam a ring of pale yellow flames played and +sparkled, completely encircling the slope. + +The crater was about half a mile deep; the sides sloped gently to the +bottom. + +But the odd feature of the entire phenomenon was this: the bottom of +the crater seemed to be entirely free from fire and vapour. It was +disk-shaped, sandy, and flat, about a quarter of a mile in diameter. +Through my field-glasses I could see patches of grass and wild flowers +growing in the sand here and there, and the sparkle of water, and a crow +or two, feeding and walking about. + +I looked at the girl who was standing beside me, then cast a glance +around at the very unusual landscape. + +We were standing on the summit of a mountain some two thousand feet high, +looking into a cup-shaped depression or crater, on the edges of which we +stood. + +This low, flat-topped mountain, as I say, was grassy and quite treeless, +although it rose like a truncated sugar-cone out of a wilderness of trees +which stretched for miles below us, north, south, east, and west, +bordered on the horizon by towering blue mountains, their distant ranges +enclosing the forests as in a vast amphitheatre. + +From the centre of this enormous green floor of foliage rose our grassy +hill, and it appeared to be the only irregularity which broke the level +wilderness as far as the base of the dim blue ranges encircling the +horizon. + +Except for the log bungalow of Mr. Blythe on the eastern edge of this +grassy plateau, there was not a human habitation in sight, nor a trace of +man's devastating presence in the wilderness around us. + +Again I looked questioningly at the girl beside me and she looked back at +me rather seriously. + +"Shall we seat ourselves here in the sun?" she asked. + +I nodded. + +Very gravely we settled down side by side on the thick green grass. + +"Now," she said, "I shall tell you why I wrote you to come out here. +Shall I?" + +"By all means, Miss Blythe." + +Sitting cross-legged, she gathered her ankles into her hands, settling +herself as snugly on the grass as a bird settles on its nest. + +"The phenomena of nature," she said, "have always interested me +intensely, not only from the artistic angle but from the scientific point +of view. + +"It is different with father. He is a painter; he cares only for the +artistic aspects of nature. Phenomena of a scientific nature bore him. +Also, you may have noticed that he is of a--a slightly impatient +disposition." + +I had noticed it. He had been anything but civil to me when I arrived the +night before, after a five-hundred mile trip on a mule, from the nearest +railroad--a journey performed entirely alone and by compass, there being +no trail after the first fifty miles. + +To characterize Blythe as slightly impatient was letting him down easy. +He was a selfish, bad-tempered old pig. + +"Yes," I said, answering her, "I did notice a negligible trace of +impatience about your father." + +She flushed. + +"You see I did not inform my father that I had written to you. He doesn't +like strangers; he doesn't like scientists. I did not dare tell him that +I had asked you to come out here. It was entirely my own idea. I felt +that I _must_ write you because I am positive that what is happening in +this wilderness is of vital scientific importance." + +"How did you get a letter out of this distant and desolate place?" I +asked. + +"Every two months the storekeeper at Windflower Station sends in a man +and a string of mules with staples for us. The man takes our further +orders and our letters back to civilization." + +I nodded. + +"He took my letter to you--among one or two others I sent----" + +A charming colour came into her cheeks. She was really extremely pretty. +I liked that girl. When a girl blushes when she speaks to a man he +immediately accepts her heightened colour as a personal tribute. This +is not vanity: it is merely a proper sense of personal worthiness. + +She said thoughtfully: + +"The mail bag which that man brought to us last week contained a letter +which, had I received it earlier, would have made my invitation to you +unnecessary. I'm sorry I disturbed you." + +"_I_ am not," said I, looking into her beautiful eyes. + +I twisted my mustache into two attractive points, shot my cuffs, and +glanced at her again, receptively. + +She had a far-away expression in her eyes. I straightened my necktie. A +man, without being vain, ought to be conscious of his own worth. + +"And now," she continued, "I am going to tell you the various reasons why +I asked so celebrated a scientist as yourself to come here." + +I thanked her for her encomium. + +"Ever since my father retired from Boston to purchase this hill and the +wilderness surrounding it," she went on, "ever since he came here to live +a hermit's life--a life devoted solely to painting landscapes--I also +have lived here all alone with him. + +"That is three years, now. And from the very beginning--from the very +first day of our arrival, somehow or other I was conscious that there +was something abnormal about this corner of the world." + +She bent forward, lowering her voice a trifle: + +"Have you noticed," she asked, "that so many things seem to be _circular_ +out here?" + +"Circular?" I repeated, surprised. + +"Yes. That crater is circular; so is the bottom of it; so is this +plateau, and the hill; and the forests surrounding us; and the mountain +ranges on the horizon." + +"But all this is natural." + +"Perhaps. But in those woods, down there, there are, here and there, +great circles of crumbling soil--_perfect_ circles a mile in diameter." + +"Mounds built by prehistoric man, no doubt." + +She shook her head: + +"These are not prehistoric mounds." + +"Why not?" + +"Because they have been freshly made." + +"How do you know?" + +"The earth is freshly upheaved; great trees, partly uprooted, slant at +every angle from the sides of the enormous piles of newly upturned earth; +sand and stones are still sliding from the raw ridges." + +She leaned nearer and dropped her voice still lower: + +"More than that," she said, "my father and I both have seen one of these +huge circles _in the making_!" + +"What!" I exclaimed, incredulously. + +"It is true. We have seen several. And it enrages father." + +"Enrages?" + +"Yes, because it upsets the trees where he is painting landscapes, and +tilts them in every direction. Which, of course, ruins his picture; and +he is obliged to start another, which vexes him dreadfully." + +I think I must have gaped at her in sheer astonishment. + +"But there is something more singular than that for you to investigate," +she said calmly. "Look down at that circle of steam which makes a perfect +ring around the bowl of the crater, halfway down. Do you see the flicker +of fire under the vapour?" + +"Yes." + +She leaned so near and spoke in such a low voice that her fragrant breath +fell upon my cheek: + +"In the fire, under the vapours, there are little animals." + +"What!!" + +"Little beasts live in the fire--slim, furry creatures, smaller +than a weasel. I've seen them peep out of the fire and scurry back +into it.... _Now_ are you sorry that I wrote you to come? And will +you forgive me for bringing you out here?" + +An indescribable excitement seized me, endowing me with a fluency and +eloquence unusual: + +"I thank you from the bottom of my heart!" I cried; "--from the depths of +a heart the emotions of which are entirely and exclusively of scientific +origin!" + +In the impulse of the moment I held out my hand; she laid hers in it with +charming diffidence. + +"Yours is the discovery," I said. "Yours shall be the glory. Fame shall +crown you; and perhaps if there remains any reflected light in the form +of a by-product, some modest and negligible little ray may chance to +illuminate me." + +Surprised and deeply moved by my eloquence, I bent over her hand and +saluted it with my lips. + +She thanked me. Her pretty face was rosy. + +It appeared that she had three cows to milk, new-laid eggs to gather, and +the construction of some fresh butter to be accomplished. + +At the bars of the grassy pasture slope she dropped me a curtsey, +declining very shyly to let me carry her lacteal paraphernalia. + +So I continued on to the bungalow garden, where Blythe sat on a camp +stool under a green umbrella, painting a picture of something or other. + +"Mr. Blythe!" I cried, striving to subdue my enthusiasm. "The eyes of the +scientific world are now open upon this house! The searchlight of Fame is +about to be turned upon you--" + +"I prefer privacy," he interrupted. "That's why I came here. I'll be +obliged if you'll turn off that searchlight." + +"But, my dear Mr. Blythe--" + +"I want to be let alone," he repeated irritably. "I came out here to +paint and to enjoy privately my own paintings." + +If what stood on his easel was a sample of his pictures, nobody was +likely to share his enjoyment. + +"Your work," said I, politely, "is--is----" + +"Is what!" he snapped. "_What_ is it--if you think you know?" + +"It is entirely, so to speak, _per se_--by itself--" + +"What the devil do you mean by that?" + +I looked at his picture, appalled. The entire canvas was one monotonous +vermillion conflagration. I examined it with my head on one side, then on +the other side; I made a funnel with both hands and peered intently +through it at the picture. A menacing murmuring sound came from him. + +"Satisfying--exquisitely satisfying," I concluded. "I have often seen +such sunsets--" + +"What!" + +"I mean such prairie fires--" + +"Damnation!" he exclaimed. "I'm painting a bowl of nasturtiums!" + +"I was speaking purely in metaphor," said I with a sickly smile. "To me +a nasturtium by the river brink is more than a simple flower. It is a +broader, grander, more magnificent, more stupendous symbol. It may mean +anything, everything--such as sunsets and conflagrations and +Goetterdaemmerungs! Or--" and my voice was subtly modulated to an +appealing and persuasive softness--"it may mean nothing at all--chaos, +void, vacuum, negation, the exquisite annihilation of what has never even +existed." + +He glared at me over his shoulder. If he was infected by Cubist +tendencies he evidently had not understood what I said. + +"If you won't talk about my pictures I don't mind your investigating this +district," he grunted, dabbing at his palette and plastering a wad of +vermilion upon his canvas; "but I object to any public invasion of my +artistic privacy until I am ready for it." + +"When will that be?" + +He pointed with one vermilion-soaked brush toward a long, low, log +building. + +"In that structure," he said, "are packed one thousand and ninety-five +paintings--all signed by me. I have executed one or two every day since I +came here. When I have painted exactly ten thousand pictures, no more, no +less, I shall erect here a gallery large enough to contain them all. + +"Only real lovers of art will ever come here to study them. It is five +hundred miles from the railroad. Therefore, I shall never have to endure +the praises of the dilettante, the patronage of the idler, the vapid +rhapsodies of the vulgar. Only those who understand will care to make the +pilgrimage." + +He waved his brushes at me: + +"The conservation of national resources is all well enough--the setting +aside of timber reserves, game preserves, bird refuges, all these +projects are very good in a way. But I have dedicated this wilderness +as a last and only refuge in all the world for true Art! Because +true Art, except for my pictures, is, I believe, now practically +extinct!... You're in my way. Would you mind getting out?" + +I had sidled around between him and his bowl of nasturtiums, and I +hastily stepped aside. He squinted at the flowers, mixed up a flamboyant +mess of colour on his palette, and daubed away with unfeigned +satisfaction, no longer noticing me until I started to go. Then: + +"What is it you're here for, anyway?" he demanded abruptly. I said with +dignity: + +"I am here to investigate those huge rings of earth thrown up in the +forest as by a gigantic mole." He continued to paint for a few moments: + +"Well, go and investigate 'em," he snapped. "I'm not infatuated with your +society." + +"What do you think they are?" I asked, mildly ignoring his wretched +manners. + +"I don't know and I don't care, except, that sometimes when I begin to +paint several trees, the very trees I'm painting are suddenly heaved up +and tilted in every direction, and all my work goes for nothing. _That_ +makes me mad! Otherwise, the matter has no interest for me." + +"But what in the world could cause--" + +"I don't know and I don't care!" he shouted, waving palette and brushes +angrily. "Maybe it's an army of moles working all together under the +ground; maybe it's some species of circular earthquake. I don't know! I +don't care! But it annoys me. And if you can devise any scientific means +to stop it, I'll be much obliged to you. Otherwise, to be perfectly +frank, you bore me." + +"The mission of Science," said I solemnly, "is to alleviate the +inconveniences of mundane existence. Science, therefore, shall extend +a helping hand to her frailer sister, Art--" + +"Science can't patronize Art while I'm around!" he retorted. "I won't +have it!" + +"But, my dear Mr. Blythe--" + +"I won't dispute with you, either! I don't like to dispute!" he shouted. +"Don't try to make me. Don't attempt to inveigle me into discussion! I +know all I want to know. I don't want to know anything you want me to +know, either!" + +I looked at the old pig in haughty silence, nauseated by his conceit. + +After he had plastered a few more tubes of vermilion over his canvas he +quieted down, and presently gave me an oblique glance over his shoulder. + +"Well," he said, "what else are you intending to investigate?" + +"Those little animals that live in the crater fires," I said bluntly. + +"Yes," he nodded, indifferently, "there are creatures which live +somewhere in the fires of that crater." + +"Do you realize what an astounding statement you are making?" I asked. + +"It doesn't astound _me_. What do I care whether it astounds you or +anybody else? Nothing interests me except Art." + +"But--" + +"I tell you nothing interests me except Art!" he yelled. "Don't dispute +it! Don't answer me! Don't irritate me! I don't care whether anything +lives in the fire or not! Let it live there!" + +"But have you actually seen live creatures in the flames?" + +"Plenty! _Plenty!_ What of it? What about it? Let 'em live there, for all +I care. I've painted pictures of 'em, too. That's all that interests me." + +"What do they look like, Mr. Blythe?" + +"Look like? _I_ don't know! They look like weasels or rats or bats or +cats or--stop asking me questions! It irritates me! It depresses me! +Don't ask any more! Why don't you go in to lunch? And--tell my daughter +to bring me a bowl of salad out here. _I've_ no time to stuff myself. +Some people have. _I_ haven't. You'd better go in to lunch.... And tell +my daughter to bring me seven tubes of Chinese vermilion with my salad!" + +"You don't mean to mix--" I began, then checked myself before his fury. + +"I'd rather eat vermilion paint on my salad than sit here talking to +_you_!" he shouted. + +I cast a pitying glance at this impossible man, and went into the house. +After all, he was _her_ father. I _had_ to endure him. + + * * * * * + +After Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of lettuce +leaves, she returned to the veranda of the bungalow. + +[Illustration: "Miss Blythe had carried to her father a large bucket of +lettuce leaves."] + +A delightful luncheon awaited us; I seated her, then took the chair +opposite. + +A delicious omelette, fresh biscuit, salad, and strawberry preserves, and +a tall tumbler of iced tea imbued me with a sort of mild exhilaration. + +Out of the corner of my eye I could see Blythe down in the garden, +munching his lettuce leaves like an ill-tempered rabbit, and daubing away +at his picture while he munched. + +"Your father," said I politely, "is something of a genius." + +"I am so glad you think so," she said gratefully. "But don't tell him so. +He has been surfeited with praise in Boston. That is why we came out +here." + +"Art," said I, "is like science, or tobacco, or tooth-wash. Every man +to his own brand. Personally, I don't care for his kind. But who can say +which is the best kind of anything? Only the consumer. Your father is his +own consumer. He is the best judge of what he likes. And that is the only +true test of art, or anything else." + +"How delightfully you reason!" she said. "How logically, how generously!" + +"Reason is the handmaid of Science, Miss Blythe." + +She seemed to understand me. Her quick intelligence surprised me, because +I myself was not perfectly sure whether I had emitted piffle or an +epigram. + +As we ate our strawberry preserves we discussed ways and means of +capturing a specimen of the little fire creatures which, as she +explained, so frequently peeped out at her from the crater fires, and, +at her slightest movement, scurried back again into the flames. Of course +I believed that this was only her imagination. Yet, for years I had +entertained a theory that fire supported certain unknown forms of life. + +"I have long believed," said I, "that fire is inhabited by living +organisms which require the elements and temperature of active combustion +for their existence--microoerganisms, but not," I added smilingly, "any +higher type of life." + +"In the fireplace," she ventured diffidently, "I sometimes see curious +things--dragons and snakes and creatures of grotesque and peculiar +shapes." + +I smiled indulgently, charmed by this innocently offered contribution +to science. Then she rose, and I rose and took her hand in mine, and we +wandered over the grass toward the crater, while I explained to her the +difference between what we imagine we see in the glowing coals of a grate +fire and my own theory that fire is the abode of living animalculae. + +On the grassy edge of the crater we paused and looked down the slope, +where the circle of steam rose, partly veiling the pale flash of fire +underneath. + +"How near can we go?" I inquired. + +"Quite near. Come; I'll guide you." + +Leading me by the hand, she stepped over the brink and we began to +descend the easy grass slope together. + +There was no difficulty about it at all. Down we went, nearer and nearer +to the wall of steam, until at last, when but fifteen feet away from it, +I felt the heat from the flames which sparkled below the wall of vapour. + +Here we seated ourselves upon the grass, and I knitted my brows and fixed +my eyes upon this curious phenomenon, striving to discover some reason +for it. + +Except for the vapour and the fires, there was nothing whatever volcanic +about this spectacle, or in the surroundings. + +From where I sat I could see that the bed of fire which encircled the +crater; and the wall of vapour which crowned the flames, were about three +hundred feet wide. Of course this barrier was absolutely impassable. +There was no way of getting through it into the bottom of the crater. + +A slight pressure from Miss Blythe's fingers engaged my attention; I +turned toward her, and she said: + +"There is one more thing about which I have not told you. I feel a little +guilty, because _that_ is the real reason I asked you to come here." + +"What is it?" + +"I think there are emeralds on the floor of that crater." + +"Emeralds!" + +"I _think_ so." She felt in the ruffled pocket of her apron, drew out a +fragment of mineral, and passed it to me. + +I screwed a jeweler's glass into my eye and examined it in astonished +silence. It was an emerald; a fine, large, immensely valuable stone, if +my experience counted for anything. One side of it was thickly coated +with vermilion paint. + +"Where did this come from?" I asked in an agitated voice. + +"From the floor of the crater. Is it _really_ an emerald?" + +I lifted my head and stared at the girl incredulously. + +"It happened this way," she said excitedly. "Father was painting a +picture up there by the edge of the crater. He left his palette on the +grass to go to the bungalow for some more tubes of colour. While he was +in the house, hunting for the colours which he wanted, I stepped out on +the veranda, and I saw some crows alight near the palette and begin +to stalk about in the grass. One bird walked right over his wet palette; +I stepped out and waved my sun-bonnet to frighten him off, but he had +both feet in a sticky mass of Chinese vermilion, and for a moment was +unable to free himself. + +"I almost caught him, but he flapped away over the edge of the crater, +high above the wall of vapour, sailed down onto the crater floor, and +alighted. + +"But his feet bothered him; he kept hopping about on the bottom of the +crater, half running, half flying; and finally he took wing and rose up +over the hill. + +"As he flew above me, and while I was looking up at his vermilion feet, +something dropped from his claws and nearly struck me. It was that +emerald." + +When I had recovered sufficient composure to speak steadily, I took her +beautiful little hand in mine. + +"This," said I, "is the most exciting locality I have ever visited for +purposes of scientific research. Within this crater may lie millions of +value in emeralds. You are probably, today, the wealthiest heiress upon +the face of the globe!" + +I gave her a winning glance. She smiled, shyly, and blushingly withdrew +her hand. + +For several exquisite minutes I sat there beside her in a sort of +heavenly trance. How beautiful she was! How engaging--how sweet--how +modestly appreciative of the man beside her, who had little beside his +scientific learning, his fame, and a kind heart to appeal to such youth +and loveliness as hers! + +There was something about her that delicately appealed to me. Sometimes +I pondered what this might be; sometimes I wondered how many emeralds lay +on that floor of sandy gravel below us. + +Yes, I loved her. I realised it now. I could even endure her father for +her sake. I should make a good husband. I was quite certain of that. + +I turned and gazed upon her, meltingly. But I did not wish to startle +her, so I remained silent, permitting the chaste language of my eyes to +interpret for her what my lips had not yet murmured. It was a brief but +beautiful moment in my life. + +"The way to do," said I, "is to trap several dozen crows, smear their +feet with glue, tie a ball of Indian twine to the ankle of every bird, +then liberate them. Some are certain to fly into the crater and try to +scrape the glue off in the sand. Then," I added, triumphantly, "all we +have to do is to haul in our birds and detach the wealth of Midas from +their sticky claws!" + +"That is an excellent suggestion," she said gratefully, "but I can do +that after you have gone. All I wanted you to tell me was whether the +stone is a genuine emerald." + +I gazed at her blankly. + +"You are here for purposes of scientific investigation," she added, +sweetly. "I should not think of taking your time for the mere sake of +accumulating wealth for my father and me." + +There didn't seem to be anything for me to say at that moment. Chilled, +I gazed at the flashing ring of fire. + +And, as I gazed, suddenly I became aware of a little, pointed muzzle, two +pricked-up ears, and two ruby-red eyes gazing intently out at me from the +mass of flames. + +The girl beside me saw it, too. + +"Don't move!" she whispered. "That is one of the flame creatures. It may +venture out if you keep perfectly still." + +Rigid with amazement, I sat like a stone image, staring at the most +astonishing sight I had ever beheld. + +For several minutes the ferret-like creature never stirred from where it +crouched in the crater fire; the alert head remained pointed toward us; I +could even see that its thick fur must have possessed the qualities of +asbestos, because here and there a hair or two glimmered incandescent; +and its eyes, nose, and whiskers glowed and glowed as the flames pulsated +around it. + +After a long while it began to move out of the fire, slowly, cautiously, +cunning eyes fixed on us--a small, slim, wiry, weasel-like creature on +which the sunlight fell with a vitreous glitter as it crept forward into +the grass. + +Then, from the fire behind, another creature of the same sort appeared, +another, others, then dozens of eager, lithe, little animals appeared +everywhere from the flames and began to frisk and play and run about in +the grass and nibble the fresh, green, succulent herbage with a snipping +sound quite audible to us. + +One came so near my feet that I could examine it minutely. + +Its fur and whiskers seemed heavy and dense and like asbestos fibre, yet +so fine as to appear silky. Its eyes, nose, and claws were scarlet, and +seemed to possess a glassy surface. + +I waited my opportunity, and when the little thing came nosing along +within reach, I seized it. + +Instantly it emitted a bewildering series of whistling shrieks, and +twisted around to bite me. Its body was icy. + +"Don't let it bite!" cried the girl. "Be careful, Mr. Smith!" + +[Illustration: "'Don't let it bite!' cried the girl. 'Be careful, Mr. +Smith!'"] + +But its jaws were toothless; only soft, cold gums pinched me, and I held +it twisting and writhing, while the icy temperature of its body began to +benumb my fingers and creep up my wrist, paralyzing my arm; and its +incessant and piercing shrieks deafened me. + +In vain I transferred it to the other hand, and then passed it from one +hand to the other, as one shifts a lump of ice or a hot potato, in an +attempt to endure the temperature: it shrieked and squirmed and doubled, +and finally wriggled out of my stiffened and useless hands, and scuttled +away into the fire. + +It was an overwhelming disappointment. For a moment it seemed +unendurable. + +"Never mind," I said, huskily, "if I caught one in my hands, I can surely +catch another in a trap." + +"I am so sorry for your disappointment," she said, pitifully. + +"Do _you_ care, Miss Blythe?" I asked. + +She blushed. + +"Of course I care," she murmured. + +My hands were too badly frost-nipped to become eloquent. I merely sighed +and thrust them into my pockets. Even my arm was too stiff to encircle +her shapeful waist. Devotion to Science had temporarily crippled me. Love +must wait. But, as we ascended the grassy slope together, I promised +myself that I would make her a good husband, and that I should spend at +least part of every day of my life in trapping crows and smearing their +claws with glue. + +That evening I was seated on the veranda beside Wilna--Miss Blythe's name +was Wilna--and what with gazing at her and fitting together some of the +folding box-traps which I always carried with me--and what with trying to +realise the pecuniary magnificence of our future existence together, I +was exceedingly busy when Blythe came in to display, as I supposed, his +most recent daub to me. + +The canvas he carried presented a series of crimson speckles, out of +which burst an eruption of green streaks--and it made me think of +stepping on a caterpillar. + +My instinct was to placate this impossible man. He was _her_ father. I +meant to honour him if I had to assault him to do it. + +"Supremely satisfying!" I nodded, chary of naming the subject. "It is a +stride beyond the art of the future: it is a flying leap out of the Not +Yet into the Possibly Perhaps! I thank you for enlightening me, Mr. +Blythe. I am your debtor." + +He fairly snarled at me: + +"What are _you_ talking about!" he demanded. + +I remained modestly mute. + +To Wilna he said, pointing passionately at his canvas: + +"The crows have been walking all over it again! I'm going to paint in the +woods after this, earthquakes or no earthquakes. Have the trees been +heaved up anywhere recently?" + +"Not since last week," she said, soothingly. "It usually happens after a +rain." + +"I think I'll risk it then--although it did rain early this morning. I'll +do a moonlight down there this evening." And, turning to me: "If you know +as much about science as you do about art you won't have to remain here +long--I trust." + +"What?" said I, very red. + +He laughed a highly disagreeable laugh, and marched into the house. +Presently he bawled for dinner, and Wilna went away. For her sake I had +remained calm and dignified, but presently I went out and kicked up the +turf two or three times; and, having foozled my wrath, I went back to +dinner, realising that I might as well begin to accustom myself to my +future father-in-law. + +It seemed that he had a mania for prunes, and that's all he permitted +anybody to have for dinner. + +Disgusted, I attempted to swallow the loathly stewed fruit, watching +Blythe askance as he hurriedly stuffed himself, using a tablespoon, with +every symptom of relish. + +"Now," he cried, shoving back his chair, "I'm going to paint a moonlight +by moonlight. Wilna, if Billy arrives, make him comfortable, and tell him +I'll return by midnight." And without taking the trouble to notice me at +all, he strode away toward the veranda, chewing vigorously upon his last +prune. + +"Your father," said I, "is eccentric. Genius usually is. But he is a most +interesting and estimable man. I revere him." + +"It is kind of you to say so," said the girl, in a low voice. + +I thought deeply for a few moments, then: + +"Who is 'Billy?'" I inquired, casually. + +I couldn't tell whether it was a sudden gleam of sunset light on her +face, or whether she blushed. + +"Billy," she said softly, "is a friend of father's. His name is William +Green." + +"Oh." + +"He is coming out here to visit--father--I believe." + +"Oh. An artist; and doubtless of mature years." + +"He is a mineralogist by profession," she said, "--and somewhat young." + +"Oh." + +"Twenty-four years old," she added. Upon her pretty face was an absent +expression, vaguely pleasant. Her blue eyes became dreamy and exquisitely +remote. + +I pondered deeply for a while: + +"Wilna?" I said. + +"Yes, Mr. Smith?" as though aroused from agreeable meditation. + +But I didn't know exactly what to say, and I remained uneasily silent, +thinking about that man Green and his twenty-four years, and his +profession, and the bottom of the crater, and Wilna--and striving to +satisfy myself that there was no logical connection between any of these. + +"I think," said I, "that I'll take a bucket of salad to your father." + +Why I should have so suddenly determined to ingratiate myself with the +old grouch I scarcely understood: for the construction of a salad was my +very best accomplishment. + +Wilna looked at me in a peculiar manner, almost as though she were +controlling a sudden and not unpleasant inward desire to laugh. + +Evidently the finer and more delicate instincts of a woman were divining +my motive and sympathizing with my mental and sentimental perplexity. + +So when she said: "I don't think you had better go near my father," I was +convinced of her gentle solicitude in my behalf. + +"With a bucket of salad," I whispered softly, "much may be accomplished, +Wilna." And I took her little hand and pressed it gently and +respectfully. "Trust all to me," I murmured. + +She stood with her head turned away from me, her slim hand resting limply +in mine. From the slight tremor of her shoulders I became aware how +deeply her emotion was now swaying her. Evidently she was nearly ready to +become mine. + +But I remained calm and alert. The time was not yet. Her father had had +his prunes, in which he delighted. And when pleasantly approached with a +bucket of salad he could not listen otherwise than politely to what I +had to say to him. Quick action was necessary--quick but diplomatic +action--in view of the imminence of this young man Green, who evidently +was _persona grata_ at the bungalow of this irritable old dodo. + +Tenderly pressing the pretty hand which I held, and saluting the +finger-tips with a gesture which was, perhaps, not wholly ungraceful, +I stepped into the kitchen, washed out several heads of lettuce, deftly +chopped up some youthful onions, constructed a seductive French dressing, +and, stirring together the crisp ingredients, set the savoury masterpiece +away in the ice-box, after tasting it. It was delicious enough to draw +sobs from any pig. + +When I went out to the veranda, Wilna had disappeared. So I unfolded and +set up some more box-traps, determined to lose no time. + +Sunset still lingered beyond the chain of western mountains as I went out +across the grassy plateau to the cornfield. + +Here I set and baited several dozen aluminium crow-traps, padding the +jaws so that no injury could be done to the birds when the springs +snapped on their legs. + +Then I went over to the crater and descended its gentle, grassy slope. +And there, all along the borders of the vapoury wall, I set box-traps for +the lithe little denizens of the fire, baiting every trap with a handful +of fresh, sweet clover which I had pulled up from the pasture beyond the +cornfield. + +My task ended, I ascended the slope again, and for a while stood there +immersed in pleasurable premonitions. + +Everything had been accomplished swiftly and methodically within +the few hours in which I had first set eyes upon this extraordinary +place--everything!--love at first sight, the delightfully lightning-like +wooing and winning of an incomparable maiden and heiress; the discovery +of the fire creatures; the solving of the emerald problem. + +And now everything was ready, crow-traps, fire-traps, a bucket of +irresistible salad for Blythe, a modest and tremulous avowal for Wilna as +soon as her father tasted the salad and I had pleasantly notified him of +my intentions concerning his lovely offspring. + +Daylight faded from rose to lilac; already the mountains were growing +fairy-like under that vague, diffuse lustre which heralds the rise of the +full moon. It rose, enormous, yellow, unreal, becoming imperceptibly +silvery as it climbed the sky and hung aloft like a stupendous arc-light +flooding the world with a radiance so white and clear that I could very +easily have written verses by it, if I wrote verses. + +Down on the edge of the forest I could see Blythe on his camp-stool, +madly besmearing his moonlit canvas, but I could not see Wilna anywhere. +Maybe she had shyly retired somewhere by herself to think of me. + +So I went back to the house, filled a bucket with my salad, and started +toward the edge of the woods, singing happily as I sped on feet so light +and frolicsome that they seemed to skim the ground. How wonderful is the +power of love! + +When I approached Blythe he heard me coming and turned around. + +"What the devil do _you_ want?" he asked with characteristic civility. + +"I have brought you," said I gaily, "a bucket of salad." + +"I don't want any salad!" + +"W-what?" + +"I never eat it at night." + +I said confidently: + +"Mr. Blythe, if you will taste this salad I am sure you will not regret +it." And with hideous cunning I set the bucket beside him on the grass +and seated myself near it. The old dodo grunted and continued to daub the +canvas; but presently, as though forgetfully, and from sheer instinct, he +reached down into the bucket, pulled out a leaf of lettuce, and shoved it +into his mouth. + +My heart leaped exultantly. I had him! + +"Mr. Blythe," I began in a winningly modulated voice, and, at the same +instant, he sprang from his camp-chair, his face distorted. + +"There are onions in this salad!" he yelled. "What the devil do you mean! +Are you trying to poison me! What are you following me about for, anyway? +Why are you running about under foot every minute!" + +"My dear Mr. Blythe," I protested--but he barked at me, kicked over the +bucket of salad, and began to dance with rage. + +[Illustration: "Kicked over the bucket of salad, and began to dance +with rage."] + +"What's the matter with you, anyway!" he bawled. "Why are you trying to +feed me? What do you mean by trying to be attentive to me!" + +"I--I admire and revere you--" + +"No you don't!" he shouted. "I don't want you to admire me! I don't +desire to be revered! I don't like attention and politeness! Do you hear! +It's artificial--out of date--ridiculous! The only thing that recommends +a man to me is his bad manners, bad temper, and violent habits. There's +some meaning to such a man, none at all to men like you!" + +He ran at the salad bucket and kicked it again. + +"They all fawned on me in Boston!" he panted. "They ran about under foot! +They bought my pictures! And they made me sick! I came out here to be rid +of 'em!" + +I rose from the grass, pale and determined. + +"You listen to me, you old grouch!" I hissed. "I'll go. But before I go +I'll tell you why I've been civil to you. There's only one reason in the +world: I want to marry your daughter! And I'm going to do it!" + +I stepped nearer him, menacing him with outstretched hand: + +"As for you, you pitiable old dodo, with your bad manners and your worse +pictures, and your degraded mania for prunes, you are a necessary evil +that's all, and I haven't the slightest respect for either you or your +art!" + +"Is that true?" he said in an altered voice. + +"True?" I laughed bitterly. "Of course it's true, you miserable dauber!" + +"D-dauber!" he stammered. + +"Certainly! I _said_ 'dauber,' and I mean it. Why, your work would shame +the pictures on a child's slate!" + +"Smith," he said unsteadily, "I believe I have utterly misjudged you. +I believe you are a good deal of a man, after all--" + +"I'm man enough," said I, fiercely, "to go back, saddle my mule, kidnap +your daughter, and start for home. And I'm going to do it!" + +"Wait!" he cried. "I don't want you to go. If you'll remain I'll be very +glad. I'll do anything you like. I'll quarrel with you, and you can +insult my pictures. It will agreeably stimulate us both. Don't go, +Smith--" + +"If I stay, may I marry Wilna?" + +"If you ask me I won't let you!" + +"Very well!" I retorted, angrily. "Then I'll marry her anyway!" + +"That's the way to talk! Don't go, Smith. I'm really beginning to like +you. And when Billy Green arrives you and he will have a delightfully +violent scene--" + +"What!" + +He rubbed his hands gleefully. + +"He's in love with Wilna. You and he won't get on. It is going to be very +stimulating for me--I can see that! You and he are going to behave most +disagreeably to each other. And I shall be exceedingly unpleasant to you +both! Come, Smith, promise me that you'll stay!" + +Profoundly worried, I stood staring at him in the moonlight, gnawing my +mustache. + +"Very well," I said, "I'll remain if--" + +Something checked me, I did not quite know what for a moment. Blythe, +too, was staring at me in an odd, apprehensive way. Suddenly I realised +that under my feet the ground was stirring. + +"Look out!" I cried; but speech froze on my lips as beneath me the solid +earth began to rock and crack and billow up into a high, crumbling ridge, +moving continually, as the sod cracks, heaves up, and crumbles above the +subterranean progress of a mole. + +Up into the air we were slowly pushed on the ever-growing ridge; and with +us were carried rocks and bushes and sod, and even forest trees. + +I could hear their tap-roots part with pistol-like reports; see great +pines and hemlocks and oaks moving, slanting, settling, tilting crazily +in every direction as they were heaved upward in this gigantic +disturbance. + +Blythe caught me by the arm; we clutched each other, balancing on the +crest of the steadily rising mound. + +"W-what is it?" he stammered. "Look! It's circular. The woods are rising +in a huge circle. What's happening? Do you know?" + +Over me crept a horrible certainty that _something living_ was moving +under us through the depths of the earth--something that, as it +progressed, was heaping up the surface of the world above its unseen +and burrowing course--something dreadful, enormous, sinister, and +_alive_! + +"Look out!" screamed Blythe; and at the same instant the crumbling summit +of the ridge opened under our feet and a fissure hundreds of yards long +yawned ahead of us. + +And along it, shining slimily in the moonlight, a vast, viscous, ringed +surface was moving, retracting, undulating, elongating, writhing, +squirming, shuddering. + +"It's a worm!" shrieked Blythe. "Oh, God! It's a mile long!" + +[Illustration: "'It's a worm!' shrieked Blythe."] + +As in a nightmare we clutched each other, struggling frantically to avoid +the fissure; but the soft earth slid and gave way under us, and we fell +heavily upon that ghastly, living surface. + +Instantly a violent convulsion hurled us upward; we fell on it again, +rebounding from the rubbery thing, strove to regain our feet and scramble +up the edges of the fissure, strove madly while the mammoth worm slid +more rapidly through the rocking forests, carrying us forward with a +speed increasing. + +Through the forest we tore, reeling about on the slippery back of the +thing, as though riding on a plowshare, while trees clashed and tilted +and fell from the enormous furrow on every side; then, suddenly out of +the woods into the moonlight, far ahead of us we could see the grassy +upland heave up, cake, break, and crumble above the burrowing course of +the monster. + +"It's making for the crater!" gasped Blythe; and horror spurred us on, +and we scrambled and slipped and clawed the billowing sides of the furrow +until we gained the heaving top of it. + +As one runs in a bad dream, heavily, half-paralyzed, so ran Blythe and I, +toiling over the undulating, tumbling upheaval until, half-fainting, we +fell and rolled down the shifting slope onto solid and unvexed sod on the +very edges of the crater. + +Below us we saw, with sickened eyes, the entire circumference of the +crater agitated, saw it rise and fall as avalanches of rock and earth +slid into it, tons and thousands of tons rushing down the slope, blotting +from our sight the flickering ring of flame, and extinguishing the last +filmy jet of vapour. + +Suddenly the entire crater caved in and filled up under my anguished +eyes, quenching for all eternity the vapour wall, the fire, and burying +the little denizens of the flames, and perhaps a billion dollars' worth +of emeralds under as many billion tons of earth. + +Quieter and quieter grew the earth as the gigantic worm bored straight +down into depths immeasurable. And at last the moon shone upon a world +that lay without a tremor in its milky lustre. + +"I shall name it _Verma gigantica_," said I, with a hysterical sob; "but +nobody will ever believe me when I tell this story!" + +Still terribly shaken, we turned toward the house. And, as we approached +the lamplit veranda, I saw a horse standing there and a young man hastily +dismounting. + +And then a terrible thing occurred; for, before I could even shriek, +Wilna had put both arms around that young man's neck, and both of his +arms were clasping her waist. + +Blythe was kind to me. He took me around the back way and put me to bed. + +And there I lay through the most awful night I ever experienced, +listening to the piano below, where Wilna and William Green were singing, +"Un Peu d'Amour." + + + + +THE EGGS OF THE SILVER MOON + + +In the new white marble Administration Building at Bronx Park, my private +office separated the offices of Dr. Silas Quint and Professor Boomly; and +it had been arranged so on purpose, because of the increasingly frequent +personal misunderstanding between these two celebrated entomologists. +It was very plain to me that a crisis in this quarrel was rapidly +approaching. + +A bitter animosity had for some months existed on both sides, born of the +most intense professional jealousy. They had been friends for years. No +unseemly rivalry disturbed this friendship as long as it was merely a +question of collecting, preparing, and mounting for exhibition the vast +numbers of butterflies and moths which haunt this insectivorous earth. +Even their zeal in the eternal hunt for new and undescribed species had +not made them enemies. + +I am afraid that my suggestion for the construction of a great glass +flying-cage for _living_ specimens of moths and butterflies started the +trouble between these hitherto godly and middle-aged men. That, and the +Carnegie Educational Medal were the causes which began this deplorable +affair. + +Various field collectors, employed by both Quint and Boomly, were always +out all over the world foraging for specimens; also, they were constantly +returning with spoils from every quarter of the globe. + +Now, to secure rare and beautiful living specimens of butterflies and +moths for the crystal flying-cage was a serious and delicate job. Such +tropical insects could not survive the journey of several months from +the wilds of Australia, India, Asia, Africa, or the jungles of South +America--nor could semi-tropical species endure the captivity of a few +weeks or even days, when captured in the West Indies, Mexico, or Florida. +Only our duller-coloured, smaller, and hardier native species tolerated +capture and exhibition. + +Therefore, the mode of procedure which I suggested was for our field +expeditions to obtain males and females of the same species of butterfly +or moth, mate them, and, as soon as any female deposited her eggs, place +the tiny pearl-like eggs in cold storage to retard their hatching, which +normally occurs, in the majority of species, within ten days or two +weeks. + +This now was the usual mode of procedure followed by the field collectors +employed by Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly. And not only were the eggs +of various butterflies and moths so packed for transportation, but a +sufficient store of their various native food-plants was also preserved, +where such food-plants could not be procured in the United States. So +when the eggs arrived at Bronx Park, and were hatched there in due time, +the young caterpillars had plenty of nourishment ready for them in cold +storage. + +Might I not, legitimately, have expected the Carnegie Educational +Medal for all this? I have never received it. I say this without +indignation--even without sorrow. I merely make the statement. + +Yet, my system was really a very beautiful system; a tiny batch of eggs +would arrive from Ceylon, or Sumatra, or Africa; when taken from cold +storage and placed in the herbarium they would presently hatch; the +caterpillars were fed with their accustomed food-plant--a few leaves +being taken from cold storage every day for them--they would pass through +their three or four moulting periods, cease feeding in due time, +transform into the chrysalis stage, and finally appear in all the +splendour and magnificence of butterfly or moth. + +The great glass flying-cage was now alive with superb moths and +butterflies, flitting, darting, fluttering among the flowering bushes +or feeding along the sandy banks of the brook which flowed through +the flying-cage, bordered by thickets of scented flowers. And it was +like looking at a meteoric shower of winged jewels, where the huge +metallic-blue _Morphos_ from South America flapped and sailed, and the +orange and gold and green _Ornithoptera_ from Borneo pursued their +majestic, bird-like flight--where big, glittering _Papilios_ flashed +through the bushes or alighted nervously to feed for a few moments +on jasmine and phlox, and where the slowly flopping _Heliconians_ winged +their way amid the denser tangles of tropical vegetation. + +Nothing like this flying-cage had ever before been seen in New York; +thousands and thousands of men, women, and children thronged the lawn +about the flying-cage all day long. + +By night, also, the effect was wonderful; the electric lights among the +foliage broke out; the great downy-winged moths, which had been asleep +all day while the butterflies flitted through the sunshine, now came out +to display their crimson or peacock-spotted wings, and the butterflies +folded their wings and went to bed for the night. + +The public was enchanted, the authorities of the Bronx proud and +delighted; all apparently was happiness and harmony. Except that nobody +offered me the Carnegie medal. + +I was sitting one morning in my office, which, as I have said, separated +the offices of Dr. Quint and Professor Boomly, when there came a loud +rapping on my door, and, at my invitation, Dr. Quint bustled in--a +little, meagre, excitable, near-sighted man with pointed mustaches and +a fleck of an imperial smudging his lower lip. + +"Last week," he began angrily, "young Jones arrived from Singapore +bringing me the eggs of _Erebia astarte_, the great Silver Moon +butterfly. Attempts to destroy them have been made. Last night I left +them in a breeding-cage on my desk. Has anybody been in there?" + +"I don't know," I said. "What has happened?" + +"I found an ichneumon fly in the cage yesterday!" he shouted; "and this +morning the eggs have either shrunk to half their size or else the eggs +of another species have been secretly substituted for them and the Silver +Moon eggs stolen! Has _he_ been in there?" + +"Who?" I asked, pretending to misunderstand. + +"_He!_" demanded Quint fiercely. "If he has I'll kill him some day." + +_He_ meant his one-time friend, Dr. Boomly. Alas! + +"For heaven's sake, why are you two perpetually squabbling?" I asked +wearily. "You used to be inseparable friends. Why can't you make up?" + +"Because I've come to know him. That's why! I have unmasked this--this +Borgia--this Machiavelli--this monster of duplicity! Matters are +approaching a point where something has got to be done short of murder. +I've stood all his envy and jealousy and cheap imputations and hints and +contemptible innuendoes that I'm going to--" + +He stopped short, glaring at the doorway, which had suddenly been +darkened by the vast bulk of Professor Boomly--a figure largely abdominal +but majestic--like the massive butt end of an elephant. For the rest, he +had a rather insignificant and peevish face and a melancholy mustache +that usually looked damp. + +"Mr. Smith," he said to me, in his thin, high, sarcastic voice--a voice +incongruously at variance with his bulk--"has anybody had the infernal +impudence to enter my room and nose about my desk?" + +"Yes, _I_ have!" replied Quint excitedly. "I've been in your room. What +of it? What about it?" + +Boomly permitted his heavy-lidded eyes to rest on Quint for a moment, +then, turning to me: + +"I want a patent lock put on my door. Will you speak to Professor +Farrago?" + +"I want one put on mine, too!" cried Quint. "I want a lock put on my door +which will keep envious, dull-minded, mentally broken-down, impertinent, +and fat people out of my office!" + +Boomly flushed heavily: + +"Fat?" he repeated, glaring at Quint. "Did you say 'fat?'" + +"Yes, fat--intellectually and corporeally fat! I want that kind of +individual kept out. I don't trust them. I'm afraid of them. Their minds +are atrophied. They are unmoral, possibly even criminal! I don't want +them in my room snooping about to see what I have and what I'm doing. I +don't want them to sneak in, eaten up with jealousy and envy, and try to +damage the eggs of the Silver Moon butterfly because the honour and glory +of hatching them would probably procure for me the Carnegie Educational +Medal--" + +"Why, you little, dried-up, protoplasmic atom!" burst out Boomly, his +face suffused with passion, "Are you insinuating that I have any designs +on your batch of eggs?" + +"It's my belief," shouted Quint, "that you want that medal yourself, and +that you put an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage in hopes it would sting +the eggs of the Silver Moon." + +"If you found an ichneumon fly there," retorted Boomly, "you probably +hatched it in mistake for a butterfly!" And he burst into a peal of +contemptuous laughter, but his little, pig-like eyes under the heavy lids +were furious. + +"I now believe," said Quint, trembling with rage, "that you have +criminally substituted a batch of common _Plexippus_ eggs for the Silver +Moon eggs I had in my breeding-cage! I believe you are sufficiently +abandoned to do it!" + +"Ha! Ha!" retorted Boomly scornfully. "I don't believe you ever +had anything in your breeding-cage except a few clothes moths and +cockroaches!" + +Quint began to dance: + +"You _did_ take them!" he yelled; "and you left me a bunch of milkweed +butterflies' eggs! Give me my eggs or I shall violently assault you!" + +"Assault your grandmother!" remarked Boomly, with unscientific brevity. +"What do you suppose I want of your ridiculous eggs? Haven't I enough +eggs of _Heliconius salome_ hatching to give me the Carnegie medal if +I want it?" + +"The Silver Moon eggs are unique!" cried Quint. "You know it! You know +that if they hatch, pupate, and become perfect insects that I shall +certainly be awarded--" + +"You'll be awarded the Matteawan medal," remarked Boomly with venom. + +Quint ran at him with a half-suppressed howl, his momentum carrying him +halfway up Professor Boomly's person. Then, losing foothold, he fell to +the floor and began to kick in the general direction of Professor Boomly. +It was a sorrowful sight to see these two celebrated scientists panting, +mauling, scuffling and punching each other around the room, tables and +chairs and scrapbaskets flying in every direction, and I mounted on the +window-sill horrified, speechless, trying to keep clear of the revolving +storm centre. + +"Where are my Silver Moon eggs!" screamed Dr. Quint. "Where are my eggs +that Jones brought me from Singapore--you entomological robber! You've +got 'em somewhere! If you don't give 'em up I'll find means to destroy +you!" + +"You insignificant pair of maxillary palpi!" bellowed Professor Boomly, +galloping after Dr. Quint as he dodged around my desk. "I'll pull off +those antennae you call whiskers if I can get hold of em--" + +Dr. Quint's threatened mustaches bristled as he fled before the +elephantine charge of Professor Boomly--once again around my desk, then +out into the hall, where I heard the door of his office slam, and Boomly, +gasping, panting, breathing vengeance outside, and vowing to leave Quint +quite whiskerless when he caught him. + +It was a painful scene for scientists to figure in or to gaze upon. +Profoundly shocked and upset, I locked up the anthropological department +offices and went out into the Park, where the sun was shining and a +gentle June wind stirred the trees. + +Too completely upset to do any more work that day, I wandered about amid +the gaily dressed crowds at hazard; sometimes I contemplated the monkeys; +sometimes gazed sadly upon the seals. They dashed and splashed and raced +round and round their tank, or crawled up on the rocks, craned their wet, +sleek necks, and barked--houp! houp! houp! + +For luncheon I went over to the Rolling Stone Restaurant. There was a +very pretty girl there--an unusually pretty girl--or perhaps it was one +of those days on which every girl looked unusually pretty to me. There +are such days. + +Her voice was exquisite when she spoke. She said: + +"We have, today, corned beef hash, fried ham and eggs, liver and +bacon--" but let that pass, too. + +I took my tea very weak; by that time I learned that her name was Mildred +Case; that she had been a private detective employed in a department +store, and that her duties had been to nab wealthy ladies who forgot to +pay for objects usually discovered in their reticules, bosoms, and +sometimes in their stockings. + +But the confinement of indoor work had been too much for Mildred Case, +and the only outdoor job she could find was the position of lady +waitress in the rustic Rolling Stone Inn. + +She was very, very beautiful, or perhaps it was one of those days--but +let that pass, too. + +"You are the great Mr. Percy Smith, Curator of the Anthropological +Department, are you not?" she asked shyly. + +"Yes," I said modestly; and, to slightly rebuke any superfluous pride in +me, I paraphrased with becoming humility, pointing upward: "but remember, +Mildred, there is One greater than I." + +"Mr. Carnegie?" she nodded innocently. That was true, too. I let it go at +that. + +We chatted: she mentioned Professor Boomly and Dr. Quint, gently +deploring the rupture of their friendship. Both gentlemen, in common with +the majority of the administration personnel, were daily customers at the +Rolling Stone Inn. I usually took my lunch from my boarding-house to my +office, being too busy to go out for mere nourishment. + +That is why I had hitherto missed Mildred Case. + +"Mildred," I said, "I do not believe it can be wholesome for a man to eat +sandwiches while taking minute measurements of defunct monkeys. Also, it +is not a fragrant pastime. Hereafter I shall lunch here." + +"It will be a pleasure to serve you," said that unusually--there I go +again! It was an unusually beautiful day in June. Which careful, exact, +and scientific statement, I think ought to cover the subject under +consideration. + +After luncheon I sadly selected a five-cent cigar; and, as I hesitated, +lingering over the glass case, undecided still whether to give full rein +to this contemplated extravagance, I looked up and found her beautiful +grey eyes gazing into mine. + +"What gentle thoughts are yours, Mildred?" I said softly. + +"The cigar you have selected," she murmured, "is fly-specked." + +Deeply touched that this young girl should have cared--that she should +have expressed her solicitude so modestly, so sweetly, concerning the +maculatory condition of my cigar, I thanked her and purchased, for the +same sum, a packet of cigarettes. + +That was going somewhat far for me. I had never in all my life even +dreamed of smoking a cigarette. To a reserved, thoughtful, and scientific +mind there is, about a packet of cigarettes, something undignified, +something vaguely frolicsome. + +When I paid her for them I felt as though, for the first time in my life, +I had let myself go. + +Oddly enough, in this uneasy feeling of gaiety and abandon, a curious +sensation of exhilaration persisted. + +We had quite a merry little contretemps when I tried to light my +cigarette and the match went out, and then _she_ struck another match, +and we both laughed, and _that_ match was extinguished by her breath. + +Instantly I quoted: "'Her breath was like the new-mown hay--'" + +"Mr. Smith!" she said, flushing slightly. + +"'Her eyes,' I quoted, 'were like the stars at even!'" + +"You don't mean _my_ eyes, do you?" + +I took a puff at my unlighted cigarette. It also smelled like recently +mown hay. I felt that I was slipping my cables and heading toward an +unknown and tempestuous sea. + +"What time are you free, Mildred?" I asked, scarcely recognising my own +voice in such reckless apropos. + +She shyly informed me. + +I struck a match, relighted my cigarette, and took one puff. That was +sufficient: I was adrift. I realised it, trembled internally, took +another puff. + +"If," said I carelessly, "on your way home you should chance to stroll +along the path beyond the path that leads to the path which--" + +I paused, checked by her bewildered eyes. We both blushed. + +"Which way do you usually go home?" I asked, my ears afire. + +[Illustration: "'Which way do you usually go home?' I asked."] + +She told me. It was a suitably unfrequented path. + +So presently I strolled thither; and seated myself under the trees in a +bosky dell. + +Now, there is a quality in boskiness not inappropriate to romantic +thoughts. Boskiness, cigarettes, a soft afternoon in June, the hum of +bees, and the distant barking of the seals, all these were delicately +blending to inspire in me a bashful sentiment. + +A specimen of _Papilio turnus_, di-morphic form, _Glaucus_, alighted near +me; I marked its flight with scientific indifference. Yet it is a rare +species in Bronx Park. + +A mock-orange bush was in snowy bloom behind me; great bunches of +wistaria hung over the rock beside me. + +The combination of these two exquisite perfumes seemed to make the +boskiness more bosky. + +There was an unaccustomed and sportive lightness to my step when I rose +to meet Mildred, where she came loitering along the shadow-dappled path. + +She seemed surprised to see me. + +She thought it rather late to sit down, but she seated herself. I talked +to her enthusiastically about anthropology. She was so interested that +after a while she could scarcely keep still, moving her slim little feet +restlessly, biting her pretty lower lip, shifting her position--all +certain symptoms of an interest in science which even approached +excitement. + +Warmed to the heart by her eager and sympathetic interest in the noble +science so precious, so dear to me, I took her little hand to soothe and +quiet her, realizing that she might become overexcited as I described the +pituitary body and why its former functions had become atrophied until +the gland itself was nearly obsolete. + +So intense her interest had been that she seemed a little tired. I +decided to give adequate material support to her spinal process. It +seemed to rest and soothe her. I don't remember that she said anything +except: "Mr. _Smith_!" I don't recollect what we were saying when she +mentioned me by name rather abruptly. + +The afternoon was wonderfully still and calm. The month was June. + +After a while--quite a while--some little time in point of accurate +fact--she detected the sound of approaching footsteps. + +I remember that she was seated at the opposite end of the bench, rather +feverishly occupied with her hat and her hair, when young Jones came +hastily along the path, caught sight of us, halted, turned violently +red--being a shy young man--but instead of taking himself off, he seemed +to recover from a momentary paralysis. + +"Mr. Smith!" he said sharply. "Professor Boomly has disappeared; there's +a pool of blood on his desk; his coat, hat, and waistcoat are lying on +the floor, the room is a wreck, and Dr. Quint is in there tearing up the +carpet and behaving like a madman. We think he suddenly went insane and +murdered Professor Boomly. What is to be done?" + +Horrified, I had risen at his first word. And now, as I understood the +full purport of his dreadful message, my hair stirred under my hat and +I gazed at him, appalled. + +"What is to be done?" he demanded. "Shall I telephone for the police?" + +"Do you actually believe," I faltered, "that this unfortunate man has +murdered Boomly?" + +"I don't know. I looked over the transom, but I couldn't see Professor +Boomly. Dr. Quint has locked the door." + +"And he's tearing up the carpet?" + +"Like a lunatic. I didn't want to call in the police until I'd asked you. +Such a scandal in Bronx Park would be a frightful thing for us all--" He +hesitated, looked around, coldly, it seemed to me, at Mildred Case. "A +scandal," he repeated, "is scarcely what might be expected among a +harmonious and earnest band of seekers after scientific knowledge. Is it, +Mil--Miss Case?" + +Now, I don't know why Mildred should have blushed. There was nothing that +I could see in this young man's question to embarrass her. + +Preoccupied, still confused by the shock of this terrible news, I looked +at Jones and at Mildred; and they were staring rather oddly at each +other. + +I said: "If this affair turns out to be as ghastly as it seems to +promise, we'll have to call in a detective. I'll go back immediately--" + +"Why not take me, also?" asked Mildred Case, quietly. + +"What?" I asked, looking at her. + +"Why not, Mr. Smith? I was once a private detective." + +Surprised at the suggestion, I hesitated. + +"If you desire to keep this matter secret--if you wish to have it first +investigated privately and quietly--would it not be a good idea to let me +use my professional knowledge before you call in the police? Because as +soon as the police are summoned all hope of avoiding publicity is at an +end." + +She spoke so sensibly, so quietly, so modestly, that her offer of +assistance deeply impressed me. + +As for young Jones, he looked at her steadily in that odd, chilling +manner, which finally annoyed me. There was no need of his being snobbish +because this very lovely and intelligent young girl happened to be a +waitress at the Rolling Stone Inn. + +"Come," I said unsteadily, again a prey to terrifying emotions; "let us +go to the Administration Building and learn how matters stand. If this +affair is as terrible as I fear it to be, science has received the +deadliest blow ever dealt it since Cagliostro perished." + +As we three strode hastily along the path in the direction of the +Administration Building, I took that opportunity to read these two +youthful fellow beings a sermon on envy, jealousy, and coveteousness. + +"See," said I, "to what a miserable condition the desire for notoriety +and fame has brought two learned and enthusiastic delvers in the vineyard +of endeavor! The mad desire for the Carnegie medal completely turned the +hitherto perfectly balanced brains of these devoted disciples of Science. +Envy begat envy, jealousy begat jealousy, pride begat pride, hatred begat +hatred--" + +"It's like that book in the Bible where everybody begat everybody else," +said Mildred seriously. + +At first I thought she had made an apt and clever remark; but on thinking +it over I couldn't quite see its relevancy. I turned and looked into her +sweet face. Her eyes were dancing with brilliancy and her sensitive lips +quivered. I feared, she was near to tears from the reaction of the shock. +Had Jones not been walking with us--but let that go, too. + +We were now entering the Administration Building, almost running; and +as soon as we came to the closed door of Dr. Quint's room, I could hear +a commotion inside--desk drawers being pulled out and their contents +dumped, curtains being jerked from their rings, an unmistakable sound +indicating the ripping up of a carpet--and through all this din the +agitated scuffle of footsteps. + +I rapped on the door. No notice taken. I rapped and knocked and called in +a low, distinct voice. + +Suddenly I recollected I had a general pass-key on my ring which unlocked +any door in the building. I nodded to Jones and to Mildred to stand +aside, then, gently fitting the key, I suddenly pushed out the key which +remained on the inside, turned the lock, and flung open the door. + +A terrible sight presented itself: Dr. Quint, hair on end, both mustaches +pulled out, shirt, cuffs, and white waistcoat smeared with blood, knelt +amid the general wreckage on the floor, in the act of ripping up the +carpet. + +"Doctor!" I cried in a trembling voice. "What have you done to Professor +Boomly?" + +He paused in his carpet ripping and looked around at us with a terrifying +laugh. + +"I've settled _him_!" he said. "If you don't want to get all over dust +you'd better keep out--" + +"Quint!" I cried. "Are you crazy?" + +"Pretty nearly. Let me alone--" + +"Where is Boomly!" I demanded in a tragic voice. "Where is your old +friend, Billy Boomly? Where is he, Quint? And what does _that_ mean--that +pool of blood on the floor? Whose is it?" + +"It's Bill's," said Quint, coolly ripping up another breadth of carpet +and peering under it. + +"What!" I exclaimed. "Do you admit that?" + +"Certainly I admit it. I told him I'd terminate him if he meddled with my +Silver Moon eggs." + +"You mean to say that you shed blood--the blood of your old +friend--merely because he meddled with a miserable batch of butterfly's +eggs?" I asked, astounded. + +"I certainly did shed his blood for just that particular thing! And +listen; you're in my way--you're standing on a part of the carpet which +I want to tear up. Do you mind moving?" + +Such cold-blooded calmness infuriated me. I sprang at Quint, seized him, +and shouted to Jones to tie his hands behind him with the blood-soaked +handkerchief which lay on the floor. + +At first, while Jones and I were engaged in the operation of securing +the wretched man, Quint looked at us both as though surprised; then he +grew angry and asked us what the devil we were about. + +"Those who shed blood must answer for it!" I said solemnly. + +"What? What's the matter with you?" he demanded in a rage. "Shed blood? +What if I did? What's that to you? Untie this handkerchief, you +unmentionable idiot!" + +I looked at Jones: + +"His mind totters," I said hoarsely. + +"What's that!" cried Quint, struggling to get off the chair whither I had +pushed him: but with my handkerchief we tied his ankles to the rung of +the chair, heedless of his attempts to kick us, and sprang back out of +range. + +"Now," I said, "what have you done with the poor victim of your fury? +Where is he? Where is all that remains of Professor Boomly?" + +"Boomly? I don't know where he is. How the devil should I know?" + +"Don't lie," I said solemnly. + +"Lie! See here, Smith, when I get out of this chair I'll settle you, +too--" + +"Quint! There is another and more terrible chair which awaits such +criminals as you!" + +"You old fluff!" he shouted. "I'll knock your head off, too. Do you +understand? I'll attend to you as I attended to Boomly--" + +"Assassin!" I retorted calmly. "Only an alienist can save you now. In +this awful moment--" + +A light touch on my arm interrupted me, and, a trifle irritated, as any +man might be when checked in the full flow of eloquence, I turned to find +Mildred at my elbow. + +"Let me talk to him," she said in a quiet voice. "Perhaps I may not +irritate him as you seem to." + +"Very well," I said. "Jones and I are here as witnesses." And I folded my +arms in an attitude not, perhaps, unpicturesque. + +"Dr. Quint," said Mildred in her soft, agreeable voice, and actually +smiling slightly at the self-confessed murderer, "is it really true that +you are guilty of shedding the blood of Professor Boomly?" + +"It is," said Quint, coolly. + +She seemed rather taken aback at that, but presently recovered her +equanimity. + +"Why?" she asked gently. + +"Because he attempted a most hellish crime!" yelled Quint. + +"W-what crime?" she asked faintly. + +"I'll tell you. He wanted the Carnegie medal, and he knew it would be +given to me if I could incubate and hatch my batch of Silver Moon +butterfly eggs. He realised well enough that his Heliconian eggs were not +as valuable as my Silver Moon eggs. So first he sneaked in here and put +an ichneumon fly in my breeding-cage. And next he stole the Silver Moon +eggs and left in their place some common _Plexippus_ eggs, thinking that +because they were very similar I would not notice the substitution. + +"I did notice it! I charged him with that cataclysmic outrage. He +laughed. We came into personal collision. He chased me into my room." + +Panting, breathless with rage at the memory of the morning's defeat which +I had witnessed, Quint glared at me for a moment. Then he jerked his head +toward Mildred: + +"As soon as he went to luncheon--Boomly, I mean--I climbed over that +transom and dropped into this room. I had been hunting for ten minutes +before I found my Silver Moon eggs hidden under the carpet. So I pocketed +them, climbed back over the transom, and went to my room." + +He paused dramatically, staring from one to another of us: + +"Boomly was there!" he said slowly. + +"Where?" asked Mildred with a shudder. + +"In my room. He had picked the lock. I told him to get out! He went. +I shouted after him that I had recovered the Silver Moon eggs and that +I should certainly be awarded the Carnegie medal. + +"Then that monster in human form laughed a horrible laugh, avowing +himself guilty of a crime still more hideous than the theft of the Silver +Moon eggs! Do you know what he had done?" + +"W-what?" faltered Mildred. + +"He had stolen from cold storage and had concealed the leaves of the +Bimba bush, brought from Singapore to feed the Silver Moon caterpillars! +_That's_ what Boomly had done! + +_"And my Silver Moon eggs had already begun to hatch!!! And my +caterpillars would starve!!!!"_ + +His voice ended in a yell; he struggled on his chair until it nearly +upset. + +"You lunatic!" I shouted. "Was that a reason for spilling the blood of a +human being!" + +"It was reason enough for me!" + +"Madman!" + +"Let me loose! He's hidden those leaves somewhere or other! I've torn +this place to pieces looking for them. I've got to find them, I tell +you--" + +Mildred went to the infuriated entomologist and laid a firm hand on his +shoulder: + +"Listen," she said: "how do you know that Professor Boomly has not +concealed these Bimba leaves on his own person?" + +Quint ceased his contortions and gaped at her. + +"I never thought of that," he said. + +"What have you done with him?" she asked, very pale. + +"I tell you, I don't know." + +"You must know what you did with him," she insisted. + +Quint shook his head impatiently, apparently preoccupied with other +thoughts. We stood watching him in silence until he looked up and became +conscious of our concentrated gaze. + +"My caterpillars are starving," he began violently. "I haven't anything +else they'll eat. They feed only on the Bimba leaf. They _won't_ eat +anything else. It's a well-known fact that they won't. Why, in Johore, +where they came from, they'll travel miles over the ground to find a +Bimba bush--" + +"What!" exclaimed Mildred. + +"Certainly--miles! They'd starve sooner than eat anything except Bimba +leaves. If there's a bush within twenty miles they'll find it--" + +"Wait," said Mildred quietly. "Where are these starving caterpillars?" + +"In a glass jar in my pocket--here! What the devil are you doing!" For +the girl had dexterously slipped the glass jar from his coat pocket and +was holding it up to the light. + +Inside it were several dozen tiny, dark caterpillars, some resting +disconsolately on the sides of the glass, some hungrily travelling over +the bottom in pitiful and hopeless quest of nourishment. + +Heedless of the shouts and threats of Dr. Quint, the girl calmly uncorked +the jar, took on her slender forefinger a single little caterpillar, +replaced the cork, and, kneeling down, gently disengaged the caterpillar. +It dropped upon the floor, remained motionless for a moment, then, +turning, began to travel rapidly toward the doorway behind us. + +"Now," she said, "if poor Professor Boomly really has concealed these +Bimba leaves upon his own person, this little caterpillar, according to +Dr. Quint, is certain to find those leaves." + +[Illustration: "'This little caterpillar ... is certain to find those +leaves.'"] + +Overcome with excitement and admiration for this intelligent and +unusually beautiful girl, I seized her hands and congratulated her. + +"Murder," said I to the miserable Quint, "will out! This infant +caterpillar shall lead us to that dark and secret spot where you had +hoped to conceal the horrid evidence of your guilt. Three things have +undone you--a caterpillar replete with mysterious instinct, a humble +bunch of Bimba leaves, and the marvellous intelligence of this young and +lovely girl. Madman, your hour has struck!" + +He looked at me in a dazed sort of way, as though astonishment had left +him unable to articulate. But I had become tired of his violence and +his shouts and yells; so I asked Jones for his handkerchief, and, before +Quint knew what I was up to I had tied it over his mouth. + +He became a brilliant purple, but all he could utter was a furious +humming, buzzing noise. + +Meanwhile, Jones had opened the door; the little caterpillar, followed by +Mildred and myself, continued to hustle along as though he knew quite +well where he was going. + +Down the hallway he went in undulating haste, past my door, we all +following in silent excitement as we discovered that, parallel to the +caterpillar's course, ran a gruesome trail of blood drops. + +And when the little creature turned and made straight for the door +of Professor Farrago, our revered chief, the excitement among us was +terrific. + +The caterpillar halted; I gently tried the door; it was open. + +Instantly the caterpillar crossed the threshold, wriggling forward at top +speed. We followed, peering fearfully around us. Nobody was visible. + +Could Quint have dragged his victim here? By Heaven, he had! For the +caterpillar was travelling straight under the lounge upon which Professor +Farrago was accustomed to repose after luncheon, and, dropping on one +knee, I saw a fat foot partly protruding from under the shirred edges of +the fringed drapery. + +"He's there!" I whispered, in an awed voice to the others. + +"Courage, Miss Case! Try not to faint." + +Jones turned and looked at her with that same odd expression; then he +went over to where she stood and coolly passed one arm around her waist. + +"Try not to faint, Mildred," he said. "It might muss your hair." + +It was a strange thing to say, but I had no time then to analyze it, for +I had seized the fat foot which partly protruded from under the sofa, +clad in a low-cut congress gaiter and a white sock. + +And then _I_ nearly fainted, for instead of the dreadful, inert +resistance of lifeless clay, the foot wriggled and tried to kick at me. + +"Help!" came a thin but muffled voice. "Help! Help, in the name of +Heaven!" + +"Boomly!" I cried, scarcely believing my ears. + +"Take that man away, Smith!" whimpered Boomly. "He's a devil! He'll +murder me! He made my nose bleed all over everything!" + +"Boomly! You're _not_ dead!" + +"Yes, I am!" he whined. "I'm dead enough to suit me. Keep that little +lunatic off--that's all I ask. He can have his Carnegie medal for all +I care, only tie him up somewhere--" + +"Professor Boomly!" cried Mildred excitedly. "Have you any Bimba leaves +concealed about your person?" + +"Yes, I have," he said sulkily. There came a hitch of the fat foot, a +heavy scuffling sound, heavy panting, and then, skittering out across the +floor came a flat, sealed parcel. + +"There you are," he said; "now, let me alone until that fiend has gone +home." + +"He won't attack you again," I said. "Come out." + +But Professor Boomly flatly declined to stir. + +I looked at the parcel: it was marked: "Bimba leaves; Johore." + +With a sigh of unutterable relief, I picked up the ravenous little +caterpillar, placed him on the packet, and turned to go. And didn't. + +It is a very sickening fact I have now to record. But to a scientist all +facts are sacred, sickening or otherwise. + +For what I caught a glimpse of, just outside the door in the hallway, +was Jones kissing Mildred Case. And being shyly indemnified for his +trouble with a gentle return in kind. Both his arms were around her +waist; both her hands rested upon his shoulders; and, as I looked--but +let it pass!--let it pass. + +Deliberately I fished in my pocket, found my packet of cigarettes, +lighted one. + +_Tobacco diffugiunt mordaces curae et laetificat cor hominis!_ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Police!!!, by Robert W. 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