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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Roughing it De Luxe
+
+Author: Irvin S. Cobb
+
+Illustrator: John T. McCutcheon
+
+Release Date: October 6, 2006 [EBook #19479]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT DE LUXE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Melissa Er-Raqabi and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+_Roughing It De Luxe_
+_By_
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: BY COMMON CONSENT WE HAD NAMED THEM CLARENCE AND
+CLARICE]
+
+
+
+
+_Roughing It De Luxe_
+_By_
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+_Author of "Back Home,"_
+_"The Escape of Mr. Trimm," "Cobb's Anatomy,"_
+_"Cobb's Bill of Fare," etc._
+
+_Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_New York_
+_George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1913,
+BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1914,
+BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+TO GEORGE H. DORAN, ESQ.
+MY FRIEND AND STILL MY PUBLISHER;
+MY PUBLISHER AND STILL
+MY FRIEND
+
+
+
+
+_THE TIME TABLE_
+
+                                        PAGE
+A PILGRIM CANONIZED                       15
+RABID AND HIS FRIENDS                     55
+HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CLIMATE?              97
+IN THE HAUNT OF THE NATIVE SON           135
+LOOKING FOR LO                           175
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+                                                                       PAGE
+By common consent we had named them Clarence and Clarice       Frontispiece
+Evidently he believed the conspiracy against him was widespread          21
+There was not a turkey trotter in the bunch                              35
+He'd garner in some fellows that wasn't sheep-herders                    61
+Because a man has a soul is no reason he shouldn't have an appetite      73
+He was a regular moving picture cowboy and gave general satisfaction     87
+The boy who sells you a paper and the youth who blackens your shoes
+    both show solicitude                                                101
+Out from under a rock somewhere will crawl a real estate agent          115
+He felt that he was properly dressed for the time, the place and the
+    occasion                                                            127
+Even the place where the turkey trot originated was trotless and quiet  143
+The woman nearest the wall has on her furs--it is always cool in the
+    shade                                                               155
+It's a great thing out there to be a native son                         169
+Each Navajo squaw weaves on an average nine thousand blankets a year    179
+As she leveled the lens a yell went up from somewhere                   193
+As the occupants spilled sprawlingly through the gap, a front tire
+    exploded with a loud report                                         207
+
+
+
+
+_A PILGRIM CANONIZED_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Pilgrim Canonized
+
+
+IT is generally conceded that the Grand Caņon of Arizona beggars
+description. I shall therefore endeavor to refrain from doing so. I
+realize that this is going to be a considerable contract. Nearly
+everybody, on taking a first look at the Grand Caņon, comes right out
+and admits its wonders are absolutely indescribable--and then proceeds
+to write anywhere from two thousand to fifty thousand words, giving the
+full details. Speaking personally, I wish to say that I do not know
+anybody who has yet succeeded in getting away with the job.
+
+In the old days when he was doing the literature for the Barnum show,
+Tody Hamilton would have made the best nominee I can think of. Remember,
+don't you, how when Tody started in to write about the elephant
+quadrille you had to turn over to the next page to find the verb? And
+almost any one of those young fellows who write advertising folders for
+the railroads would gladly tackle the assignment; in fact, some of them
+already have--but not with any tumultuous success.
+
+In the presence of the Grand Caņon, language just simply fails you and
+all the parts of speech go dead lame. When the Creator made it He failed
+to make a word to cover it. To that extent the thing is incomplete. If
+ever I run across a person who can put down on paper what the Grand
+Caņon looks like, that party will be my choice to do the story when the
+Crack of Doom occurs. I can close my eyes now and see the headlines:
+Judgment Day a Complete Success! Replete with Incident and Abounding in
+Surprises--Many Wealthy Families Disappointed--Full Particulars from our
+Special Correspondent on the Spot!
+
+Starting out from Chicago on the Santa Fé, we had a full trainload. We
+came from everywhere: from peaceful New England towns full of elm trees
+and oldline Republicans; from the Middle States; and from the land of
+chewing tobacco, prominent Adam's apples and hot biscuits--down where
+the r is silent, as in No'th Ca'lina. And all of us--Northerners,
+Southerners, Easterners alike--were actuated by a common purpose--we
+were going West to see the country and rough it--rough it on overland
+trains better equipped and more luxurious than any to be found in the
+East; rough it at ten-dollar-a-day hotels; rough it by touring car over
+the most magnificent automobile roads to be found on this continent. We
+were a daring lot and resolute; each and every one of us was brave and
+blithe to endure the privations that such an expedition must inevitably
+entail. Let the worst come; we were prepared! If there wasn't any of the
+hothouse lamb, with imported green peas, left, we'd worry along on a
+little bit of the fresh shad roe, and a few conservatory cucumbers on
+the side. That's the kind of hardy adventurers we were!
+
+Conspicuous among us was a distinguished surgeon of Chicago; in fact,
+so distinguished that he has had a very rare and expensive disease
+named for him, which is as distinguished as a physician ever gets to be
+in this country. Abroad he would be decorated or knighted. Here we name
+something painful after him and it seems to fill the bill just as well.
+This surgeon was very distinguished and also very exclusive. After you
+scaled down from him, riding in solitary splendor in his drawing room,
+with kitbags full of symptoms and diagnoses scattered round, we became a
+mixed tourist outfit. I would not want to say that any of the persons on
+our train were impossible, because that sounds snobbish; but I will say
+this--some of them were highly improbable.
+
+There was the bride, who put on her automobile goggles and her
+automobile veil as soon as we pulled out of the Chicago yards and never
+took them off again--except possibly when sleeping. I presume she wanted
+to show the rest of us that she was accustomed to traveling at a high
+rate of speed. If the bridegroom had only bethought him to carry one of
+those siren horns under his arm, and had tooted it whenever we went
+around a curve, the illusion would have been complete.
+
+There was also the middle-aged lady with the camera habit. Any time the
+train stopped, or any time it behaved as though it thought of stopping,
+out on the platform would pop this lady, armed with her little
+accordion-plaited camera, with the lens focused and the little atomizer
+bulb dangling down, all ready to take a few pictures. She snapshotted
+watertanks, whistling posts, lunch stands, section houses, grade
+crossings and holes in the snowshed--also scenery, people and climate. A
+two-by-four photograph of a mountain that's a mile high must be a most
+splendid reminder of the beauties of Nature to take home with you from a
+trip.
+
+There was the conversational youth in the Norfolk jacket, who was going
+out West to fill an important vacancy in a large business house--he told
+us so himself. It was a good selection, too. If I had a vacancy that I
+wanted filled in such a way that other people would think the vacancy
+was still there, this youth would have been my candidate.
+
+[Illustration: EVIDENTLY HE BELIEVED THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WAS
+WIDESPREAD]
+
+And finally there was the corn-doctor from a town somewhere in Indiana,
+who had the upper berth in Number Ten. It seemed to take a load off his
+mind, on the second morning out, when he learned that he would not have
+to spend the day up there, but could come down and mingle with the rest
+of us on a common footing; but right up to the finish of the journey he
+was uncertain on one or two other points. Every time a conductor came
+through--Pullman conductor, train conductor or dining-car conductor--he
+would hail him and ask him this question: "Do I or do I not have to
+change at Williams for the Grand Caņon?" The conductor--whichever
+conductor it was--always said, Yes, he would have to change at Williams.
+But he kept asking them--he seemed to regard a conductor as a
+functionary who would deliberately go out of his way to mislead a
+passenger in regard to an important matter of this kind. After a while
+the conductors took to hiding out from him and then he began
+cross-examining the porters, and the smoking-room attendant, and the
+baggageman, and the flagmen, and the passengers who got aboard down the
+line in Colorado and New Mexico.
+
+At breakfast in the dining car you would hear his plaintive, patient
+voice lifted. "Yes, waiter," he would say; "fry 'em on both sides,
+please. And say, waiter, do you know for sure whether we change at
+Williams for the Grand Caņon?" He put a world of entreaty into it;
+evidently he believed the conspiracy against him was widespread. At
+Albuquerque I saw him leading off on one side a Pueblo Indian who was
+peddling bows and arrows, and heard him ask the Indian, as man to man,
+if he would have to change at Williams for the Grand Caņon.
+
+When he was not worrying about changing at Williams he showed anxiety
+upon the subject of the proper clothes to be worn while looking at the
+Grand Caņon. Among others he asked me about it. I could not help him. I
+had decided to drop in just as I was, and then to be governed by
+circumstances as they might arise; but he was not organized that way. On
+the morning of the last day, as we rolled up through the pine barrens of
+Northern Arizona toward our destination, those of us who had risen early
+became aware of a terrific struggle going on behind the shrouding
+draperies of that upper berth of his. Convulsive spasms agitated the
+green curtains. Muffled swear words uttered in a low but fervent tone
+filtered down to us. Every few seconds a leg or an arm or a head, or the
+butt-end of a suitcase, or the bulge of a valise, would show through the
+curtains for a moment, only to be abruptly snatched back.
+
+Speculation concerning the causes of these strange manifestations
+ran--as the novelists say--rife. Some thought that, overcome with
+disappointment by the discovery that we had changed at Williams in the
+middle of the night, without his knowing anything about it, he was
+having a fit all alone up there. Presently the excitement abated; and
+then, after having first lowered his baggage, our friend descended to
+the aisle and the mystery was explained. He had solved the question of
+what to wear while gazing at the Grand Caņon. He was dressed in a new
+golf suit, complete--from the dinky cap to the Scotch plaid stockings.
+If ever that man visits Niagara, I should dearly love to be on hand to
+see him when he comes out to view the Falls, wearing his bathing suit.
+
+Some of us aboard that train did not seem to care deeply for the desert;
+the cactus possibly disappointed others; and the mesquit failed to give
+general satisfaction, though at a conservative estimate we passed
+through nine million miles of it. A few of the delegates from the
+Eastern seaboard appeared to be irked by the tribal dancing of the Hopi
+Indians, for there was not a turkey-trotter in the bunch, the Indian
+settlements of Arizona being the only terpsichorean centers in this
+country to which the Young Turk movement had not penetrated yet. Some
+objected to the plains because they were so flat and plainlike, and some
+to the mountains because of their exceedingly mountainous aspect; but on
+one point we all agreed--on the uniform excellence of the dining-car
+service.
+
+It is a powerfully hard thing for a man to project his personality
+across the grave. In making their wills and providing for the carrying
+on of their pet enterprises a number of our richest men have endeavored
+from time to time to disprove this; but, to date, the percentage of
+successes has not been large. So far as most of us are concerned the
+burden of proof shows that in this regard we are one with the famous
+little dog whose name was Rover--when we die, we die all over. Every big
+success represents the personality of a living man; rarely ever does it
+represent the personality of a dead man.
+
+The original Fred Harvey is dead--has been dead, in fact, for several
+years; but his spirit goes marching on across the southwestern half of
+this country. Two thousand miles from salt water, the oysters that are
+served on his dining cars do not seem to be suffering from car-sickness.
+And you can get a beefsteak measuring eighteen inches from tip to tip.
+There are spring chickens with the most magnificent bust development I
+ever saw outside of a burlesque show; and the eggs taste as though they
+might have originated with a hen instead of a cold-storage vault. If
+there was only a cabaret show going up and down the middle of the car
+during meals, even the New York passengers would be satisfied with the
+service, I think.
+
+There is another detail of the Harvey system that makes you wonder. Out
+on the desert, in a dead-gray expanse of silence and sagebrush, your
+train halts at a junction point that you never even heard of before.
+There is not much to be seen--a depot, a 'dobe cabin or so, a few frame
+shacks, a few natives, a few Indians and a few incurably languid
+Mexicans--and that is positively all there is except that, right out
+there in the middle of nowhere, stands a hotel big enough and handsome
+enough for Chicago or New York, built in the Spanish style, with wide
+patios and pergolas--where a hundred persons might perg at one time--and
+gay-striped awnings. It is flanked by flower-beds and refreshingly
+green strips of lawn, with spouting fountains scattered about.
+
+You go inside to a big, spotlessly bright dining room and get as good a
+meal as you can get anywhere on earth--and served in as good style, too.
+To the man fresh from the East, such an establishment reminds him
+vividly of the hurry-up railroad lunch places to which he has been
+accustomed back home--places where the doughnuts are dornicks and the
+pickles are fossils, and the hard-boiled egg got up out of a sick bed to
+be there, and on the pallid yellow surface of the official pie a couple
+of hundred flies are enacting Custard's Last Stand. It reminds him of
+them because it is so different. Between Kansas City and the Coast there
+are a dozen or more of these hotels scattered along the line.
+
+And so, with real food to stay you and one of Tuskegee's bright,
+straw-colored graduates to minister to your wants in the sleeper, you
+come on the morning of the third day to the Grand Caņon in northern
+Arizona; you take one look--and instantly you lose all your former
+standards of comparison. You stand there gazing down the raw, red gullet
+of that great gosh-awful gorge, and you feel your self-importance
+shriveling up to nothing inside of you. You haven't an adjective left to
+your back. It makes you realize what the sensations would be of one
+little microbe lost inside of Barnum's fat lady.
+
+I think my preconceived conception of the Caņon was the same conception
+most people have before they come to see it for themselves--a straight
+up-and-down slit in the earth, fabulously steep and fabulously deep;
+nevertheless merely a slit. It is no such thing.
+
+Imagine, if you can, a monster of a hollow approximately some hundreds
+of miles long and a mile deep, and anywhere from ten to sixteen miles
+wide, with a mountain range--the most wonderful mountain range in the
+world--planted in it; so that, viewing the spectacle from above, you get
+the illusion of being in a stationary airship, anchored up among the
+clouds; imagine these mountain peaks--hundreds upon hundreds of
+them--rising one behind the other, stretching away in endless, serried
+rank until the eye swims and the mind staggers at the task of trying to
+count them; imagine them splashed and splattered over with all the
+earthly colors you ever saw and a lot of unearthly colors you never saw
+before; imagine them carved and fretted and scrolled into all
+shapes--tabernacles, pyramids, battleships, obelisks, Moorish
+palaces--the Moorish suggestion is especially pronounced both in
+colorings and in shapes--monuments, minarets, temples, turrets, castles,
+spires, domes, tents, tepees, wigwams, shafts.
+
+Imagine other ravines opening from the main one, all nuzzling their
+mouths in her flanks like so many sucking pigs; for there are hundreds
+of these lesser caņons, and any one of them would be a marvel were they
+not dwarfed into relative puniness by the mother of the litter. Imagine
+walls that rise sheer and awful as the Wrath of God, and at their base
+holes where you might hide all the Seven Wonders of the Olden World and
+never know they were there--or miss them either. Imagine a trail that
+winds like a snake and climbs like a goat and soars like a bird, and
+finally bores like a worm and is gone.
+
+Imagine a great cloud-shadow cruising along from point to point, growing
+smaller and smaller still, until it seems no more than a shifting purple
+bruise upon the cheek of a mountain, and then, as you watch it, losing
+itself in a tiny rift which at that distance looks like a wrinkle in the
+seamed face of an old squaw, but which is probably a huge gash gored
+into the solid rock for a thousand feet of depth and more than a
+thousand feet of width.
+
+Imagine, way down there at the bottom, a stream visible only at certain
+favored points because of the mighty intervening ribs and chines of
+rock--a stream that appears to you as a torpidly crawling yellow worm,
+its wrinkling back spangled with tarnished white specks, but which is
+really a wide, deep, brawling, rushing river--the Colorado--full of
+torrents and rapids; and those white specks you see are the tops of
+enormous rocks in its bed.
+
+Imagine--if it be winter--snowdrifts above, with desert flowers blooming
+alongside the drifts, and down below great stretches of green verdure;
+imagine two or three separate snowstorms visibly raging at different
+points, with clear, bright stretches of distance intervening between
+them, and nearer maybe a splendid rainbow arching downward into the
+great void; for these meteorological three-ring circuses are not
+uncommon at certain seasons.
+
+Imagine all this spread out beneath the unflawed turquoise of the
+Arizona sky and washed in the liquid gold of the Arizona sunshine--and
+if you imagine hard enough and keep it up long enough you may begin, in
+the course of eight or ten years, to have a faint, a very faint and
+shadowy conception of this spot where the shamed scheme of creation is
+turned upside down and the very womb of the world is laid bare before
+our impious eyes. Then go to Arizona and see it all for yourself, and
+you will realize what an entirely inadequate and deficient thing the
+human imagination is.
+
+It is customary for the newly arrived visitor to take a ride along the
+edge of the caņon--the rim-drive, it is called--with stops at Hopi Point
+and Mohave Point and Pima Point, and other points where the views are
+supposed to be particularly good. To do this you get into a smart coach
+drawn by horses and driven by a competent young man in a khaki uniform.
+Leaving behind you a clutter of hotel buildings and station buildings,
+bungalows and tents, you go winding away through a Government forest
+reserve containing much fine standing timber and plenty more that is not
+so fine, it being mainly stunted piņon and gnarly desert growths.
+
+Presently the road, which is a fine, wide, macadamized road, skirts out
+of the trees and threads along the caņon until it comes to a rocky
+flange that juts far over. You climb out there and, instinctively
+treading lightly on your tiptoes and breathing in syncopated breaths,
+you steal across the ledge, going slowly and carefully until you pause
+finally upon the very eyelashes of eternity and look down into that
+great inverted muffin-mold of a caņon.
+
+You are at the absolute jumping-off place. There is nothing between you
+and the undertaker except six-thousand feet, more or less, of dazzling
+Arizona climate. Below you, beyond you, stretching both ways from you,
+lie those buried mountains, the eternal herds of the Lord's cattlefold;
+there are scars upon their sides, like the marks of a mighty branding
+iron, and in the distance, viewed through the vapor-waves of melting
+snow, their sides seem to heave up and down like the flanks of panting
+cattle. Half a mile under you, straight as a man can spit, are gardens
+of willows and grasses and flowers, looking like tiny green patches, and
+the tents of a camp looking like scattered playing cards; and there is a
+plateau down there that appears to be as flat as your hand and is
+seemingly no larger, but actually is of a size sufficient for the
+evolutions of a brigade of cavalry.
+
+[Illustration: THERE WAS NOT A TURKEY TROTTER IN THE BUNCH]
+
+When you have had your fill of this the guide takes you and leads
+you--you still stepping lightly to avoid starting anything--to a spot
+from which he points out to you, riven into the face of a vast
+perpendicular chasm above a cave like a monstrous door, a tremendous
+and perfect figure seven--the house number of the Almighty Himself. By
+this I mean no irreverence. If ever Jehovah chose an earthly
+abiding-place, surely this place of awful, unutterable majesty would be
+it. You move a few yards farther along and instantly the seven is
+gone--the shift of shadow upon the rock wall has wiped it out and
+obliterated it--but you do not mourn the loss, because there are still
+upward of a million things for you to look at.
+
+And then, if you have timed wisely the hour of your coming, the sun
+pretty soon goes down; and as it sinks lower and lower out of titanic
+crannies come the thickening shades, making new plays and tricks of
+painted colors upon the walls--purples and reds and golds and blues,
+ambers and umbers and opals and ochres, yellows and tans and tawnys and
+browns--and the caņon fills to its very brim with the silence of
+oncoming night.
+
+You stand there, stricken dumb, your whole being dwarfed yet
+transfigured; and in the glory of that moment you can even forget the
+gabble of the lady tourist alongside of you who, after searching her
+soul for the right words, comes right out and gives the Grand Caņon her
+cordial indorsement. She pronounces it to be just perfectly lovely! But
+I said at the outset I was not going to undertake to describe the Grand
+Caņon--and I'm not. These few remarks were practically jolted out of me
+and should not be made to count in the total score.
+
+Having seen the caņon--or a little bit of it--from the top, the next
+thing to do is to go down into it and view it from the sides and the
+bottom. Most of the visitors follow the Bright Angel Trail which is
+handily near by and has an assuring name. There are only two ways to do
+the inside of the Grand Caņon--afoot and on mule-back. El Tovar hotel
+provides the necessary regalia, if you have not come prepared--divided
+skirts for the women and leggings for the men, a mule apiece and a guide
+to every party of six or eight.
+
+At the start there is always a lot of nervous chatter--airy persiflage
+flies to and fro and much laughing is indulged in. But it has a forced,
+strained sound, that laughter has; it does not come from the heart, the
+heart being otherwise engaged for the moment. Down a winding footpath
+moves the procession, with the guide in front, and behind him in single
+file his string of pilgrims--all as nervous as cats and some holding to
+their saddle-pommels with death-grips. Just under the first terrace a
+halt is made while the official photographer takes a picture; and when
+you get back he has your finished copy ready for you, so you can see for
+yourself just how pale and haggard and wall-eyed and how much like a
+typhoid patient you looked.
+
+The parade moves on. All at once you notice that the person immediately
+ahead of you has apparently ridden right over the wall of the caņon. A
+moment ago his arched back loomed before you; now he is utterly gone. It
+is at this point that some tourists tender their resignations--to take
+effect immediately. To the credit of the sex, be it said, the
+statistics show that fewer women quit here than men. But nearly always
+there is some man who remembers where he left his umbrella or something,
+and he goes back after it and forgets to return.
+
+In our crowd there was one person who left us here. He was a circular
+person; about forty per cent of him, I should say, rhymed with jelly. He
+climbed right down off his mule. He said:
+
+"I'm not scared myself, you understand, but I've just recalled that my
+wife is a nervous woman. She'd have a fit if she knew I was taking this
+trip! I love my wife, and for her sake I will not go down this caņon,
+dearly as I would love to." And with that he headed for the hotel. I
+wanted to go with him. I wanted to go along with him and comfort him and
+help him have his chill, and if necessary send a telegram for him to his
+wife--she was in Pittsburgh--telling her that all was well. But I did
+not. I kept on. I have been trying to figure out ever since whether this
+showed courage on my part, or cowardice.
+
+Over the ridge and down the steep declivity beyond goes your mule,
+slipping a little. He is reared back until his rump almost brushes the
+trail; he grunts mild protests at every lurching step and grips his
+shoecalks into the half-frozen path. You reflect that thousands of
+persons have already done this thing; that thousands of others--men,
+women and children--are going to do it, and that no serious accident has
+yet occurred--which is some comfort, but not much. The thought comes to
+you that, after all, it is a very bright and beautiful world you are
+leaving behind. You turn your head to give it a long, lingering
+farewell, and you try to put your mind on something cheerful--such as
+your life insurance. Then something happens.
+
+The trail, that has been slanting at a downward angle which is a trifle
+steeper than a ship's ladder, but not quite so steep perhaps as a board
+fence, takes an abrupt turn to the right. You duck your head and go
+through a little tunnel in the rock, patterned on the same general
+design of the needle's eye that is going to give so many of our
+prominent captains of industry trouble in the hereafter. And as you
+emerge on the lower side you forget all about your life-insurance papers
+and freeze to your pommel with both hands, and cram your poor cold feet
+into the stirrups--even in warm weather they'll be good and cold--and
+all your vital organs come up in your throat, where you can taste them.
+If anybody had shot me through the middle just about then he would have
+inflicted only a flesh wound.
+
+You have come out on a place where the trail clings to the sheer side of
+the dizziest, deepest chasm in the known world. One of your legs is
+scraping against the everlasting granite; the other is dangling over
+half a mile of fresh mountain air. The mule's off hind hoof grates and
+grinds on the flinty trail, dislodging a fair-sized stone that flops
+over the verge. You try to look down and see where it is going and find
+you haven't the nerve to do it--but you can hear it falling from one
+narrow ledge to another, picking up other boulders as it goes until
+there must be a fair-sized little avalanche of them cascading down. The
+sound of their roaring, racketing passage grows fainter and fainter,
+then dies almost out, and then there rises up to you from those
+unutterable depths a dull, thuddy little sound--those stones have
+reached the cellar! Then to you there comes the pleasing reflection that
+if your mule slipped and you fell off and were dashed to fragments, they
+would not be large, mussy, irregular fragments, but little teeny-weeny
+fragments, such as would not bring the blush of modesty to the cheek of
+the most fastidious.
+
+Only your mule never slips off! It is contrary to a mule's religion and
+politics, and all his traditions and precedents, to slip off. He may
+slide a little and stumble once in a while, and he may, with malice
+aforethought, try to scrape you off against the outjutting shoulders of
+the trail; but he positively will not slip off. It is not because he is
+interested in you. A tourist on the caņon's rim a simple tourist is to
+him and nothing more; but he has no intention of getting himself hurt.
+Instinct has taught that mule it would be to him a highly painful
+experience to fall a couple of thousand feet or so and light on a pile
+of rocks; and therefore, through motives that are purely selfish, he
+studiously refrains from so doing. When the Prophet of old wrote, "How
+beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him," and so on, I judge he
+had reference to a mule on a narrow trail.
+
+My mule had one very disconcerting way about him--or, rather, about her,
+for she was of the gentler sex. When she came to a particularly scary
+spot, which was every minute or so, she would stop dead still. I
+concurred in that part of it heartily. But then she would face outward
+and crane her neck over the fathomless void of that bottomless pit, and
+for a space of moments would gaze steadily downward, with a despondent
+droop of her fiddle-shaped head and a suicidal gleam in her mournful
+eyes. It worried me no little; and if I had known, at the time, that she
+had a German name it would have worried me even more, I guess. But
+either the time was not ripe for the rash act or else she abhorred the
+thought of being found dead in the company of a mere tourist, so she did
+not leap off into space, but restrained herself; and I was very grateful
+to her for it. It made a bond of sympathy between us.
+
+On you go, winding on down past the red limestone and the yellow
+limestone and the blue sandstone, which is green generally; past huge
+bat caves and the big nests of pack-rats, tucked under shelves of
+Nature's making; past stratified millions of crumbling seashells that
+tell to geologists the tale of the salt-water ocean that once on a time,
+when the world was young and callow, filled this hole brim full; and
+presently, when you have begun to piece together the tattered fringes of
+your nerves, you realize that the caņon is even more wonderful when
+viewed from within than it is when viewed from without. Also, you begin
+to notice now that it is most extensively autographed.
+
+Apparently about every other person who came this way remarked to
+himself that this caņon was practically completed and only needed his
+signature as collaborator to round it out--so he signed it and after
+that it was a finished job. Some of them brought down colored chalk and
+stencils, and marking pots, and paints and brushes, and cold chisels to
+work with, which must have been a lot of trouble, but was worth it--it
+does add so greatly to the beauty of the Grand Caņon to find it spangled
+over with such names as you could hear paged in almost any dollar-a-day
+American-plan hotel. The guide pointed out a spot where one of these
+inspired authors climbed high up the face of a white cliff and, clinging
+there, carved out in letters a foot long his name; and it was one of
+those names that, inscribed upon a register, would instinctively cause
+any room clerk to reach for the key to an inside one, without bath. I
+regret to state that nothing happened to this person. He got down safe
+and sound; it was a great pity, too.
+
+By the Bright Angel Trail it is three hours on a mule to the plateau,
+where there are green summery things growing even in midwinter, and
+where the temperature is almost sultry; and it is an hour or so more to
+the riverbed, down at the very bottom. When you finally arrive there and
+look up you do not see how you ever got down, for the trail has
+magically disappeared; and you feel morally sure you are never going to
+get back. If your mule were not under you pensively craning his head
+rearward in an effort to bite your leg off, you would almost be ready to
+swear the whole thing was an optical illusion, a wondrous dream. Under
+these circumstances it is not so strange that some travelers who have
+been game enough until now suddenly weaken. Their nerves capsize and the
+grit runs out of them like sand out of an overturned pail.
+
+All over this part of Arizona they tell you the story of the lady from
+the southern part of the state--she was a school teacher and the story
+has become an epic--who went down Bright Angel one morning and did not
+get back until two o'clock the following morning; and then she came
+against her will in a litter borne by two tired guides, while two
+others walked beside her and held her hands; and she was protesting at
+every step that she positively could not and would not go another inch;
+and she was as hysterical as a treeful of chickadees; her hat was lost,
+and her glasses were gone, and her hair hung down her back, and
+altogether she was a mournful sight to see.
+
+Likewise the natives will tell you the tale of a man who made the trip
+by crawling round the more sensational corners upon his hands and knees;
+and when he got down he took one look up to where, a sheer mile above
+him, the rim of the caņon showed, with the tall pine trees along its
+edge looking like the hairs upon a caterpillar's back, and he announced
+firmly that he wished he might choke if he stirred another step. Through
+the miraculous indulgence of a merciful providence he was down, and that
+was sufficient for him; he wasn't going to trifle with his luck. He
+would stay down until he felt good and rested, and then he would return
+to his home in dear old Altoona by some other route. He was very
+positive about it. There were two guides along, both of them patient and
+forbearing cowpunchers, and they argued with him. They pointed that
+there was only one suitable way for him to get out of the caņon, and
+that was the way by which he had got into it.
+
+"The trouble with you fellows," said the man, "is that you are too
+dad-blamed technical. The point is that I'm here, and here I'm going to
+stay."
+
+"But," they told him, "you can't stay here. You'd starve to death like
+that poor devil that some prospectors found in that gulch yonder--turned
+to dusty bones, with a pack rat's nest in his chest and a rock under his
+head. You'd just naturally starve to death."
+
+"There you go again," he said, "importing these trivial foreign matters
+into the discussion. Let us confine ourselves to the main issue, which
+is that I am not going back. This rock shall fly from its firm base as
+soon as I," he said, or words to that effect.
+
+So insisting, he sat down, putting his own firm base against the said
+rock, and prepared to become a permanent resident. He was a grown man
+and the guides were less gentle with him than they had been with the
+lady school teacher. They roped his arms at the elbows and hoisted him
+upon a mule and tied his legs together under the mule's belly, and they
+brought him out of there like a sack of bran--only he made more noise
+than any sack of bran has ever been known to make.
+
+Coming back up out of the Grand Caņon is an even more inspiring and
+amazing performance than going down. But by now--anyhow this was my
+experience, and they tell me it is the common experience--you are
+beginning to get used to the sensation of skirting along the raw and
+ragged verge of nothing. Narrow turns where, going down, your hair
+pushed your hat off, no longer affright you; you take them
+jauntily--almost debonairly. You feel that you are now an old
+mountain-scaler, and your soul begins to crave for a trip with a few
+more thrills to the square inch in it. You get your wish. You go down
+Hermit Trail, which its middle name is thrills; and there you make the
+acquaintance of the Hydrophobic Skunk.
+
+The Hydrophobic Skunk is a creature of such surpassing accomplishments
+and vivid personality that I feel he is entitled to a new chapter. The
+Hydrophobic Skunk will be continued in our next.
+
+
+
+
+_RABID AND HIS FRIENDS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Rabid and His Friends_
+
+
+THE Hydrophobic Skunk resides at the extreme bottom of the Grand Caņon
+and, next to a Southern Republican who never asked for a Federal office,
+is the rarest of living creatures. He is so rare that nobody ever saw
+him--that is, nobody except a native. I met plenty of tourists who had
+seen people who had seen him, but never a tourist who had seen him with
+his own eyes. In addition to being rare, he is highly gifted.
+
+I think almost anybody will agree with me that the common, ordinary
+skunk has been most richly dowered by Nature. To adorn a skunk with any
+extra qualifications seems as great a waste of the raw material as
+painting the lily or gilding refined gold. He is already amply equipped
+for outdoor pursuits. Nobody intentionally shoves him round; everybody
+gives him as much room as he seems to need. He commands respect--nay,
+more than that, respect and veneration--wherever he goes. Joy-riders
+never run him down and foot passengers avoid crowding him into a corner.
+You would think Nature had done amply well by the skunk; but no--the
+Hydrophobic Skunk comes along and upsets all these calculations. Besides
+carrying the traveling credentials of an ordinary skunk, he is rabid in
+the most rabidissimus form. He is not mad just part of the time, like
+one's relatives by marriage--and not mad most of the time, like the
+old-fashioned railroad ticket agent--but mad all the time--incurably,
+enthusiastically and unanimously mad! He is mad and he is glad of it.
+
+We made the acquaintance of the Hydrophobic Skunk when we rode down
+Hermit Trail. The casual visitor to the Grand Caņon first of all takes
+the rim drive; then he essays Bright Angel Trail, which is sufficiently
+scary for his purposes until he gets used to it; and after that he grows
+more adventurous and tackles Hermit Trail, which is a marvel of
+corkscrew convolutions, gimleting its way down this red abdominal wound
+of a caņon to the very gizzard of the world.
+
+Alongside the Hermit, traveling the Bright Angel is the same as
+gathering the myrtles with Mary; but the civil engineers who worked out
+the scheme of the Hermit and made it wide and navigable for ordinary
+folks were bright young men. They laid a wall along its outer side all
+the way from the top to the bottom. Now this wall is made of loose
+stones racked up together without cement, and it is nowhere more than a
+foot or a foot and a half high. If your mule ever slipped--which he
+never does--or if you rolled off on your own hook--which has not
+happened to date--that puny little wall would hardly stop you--might not
+even cause you to hesitate. But some way, intervening between you and a
+thousand feet or so of uninterrupted fresh air, it gives a tremendous
+sense of security. Life is largely a state of mind, anyhow, I reckon.
+
+As a necessary preliminary to going down Hermit Trail you take a
+buckboard ride of ten miles--ten wonderful miles! Almost immediately the
+road quits the rocky, bare parapet of the gorge and winds off through
+the noble, big forest that is a part of the Government reserve. Jays
+that are twice as large and three times as vocal as the Eastern variety
+weave blue threads in the green background of the pines; and if there is
+snow upon the ground its billowy white surface is crossed and
+criss-crossed with the dainty tracks of coyotes, and sometimes with the
+broad, furry marks of the wildcat's pads. The air is a blessing and the
+sunshine is a benediction.
+
+Away off yonder, through a break in the conifers, you see one lone and
+lofty peak with a cap of snow upon its top. The snow fills the deeper
+ravines that furrow its side downward from the summit so that at this
+distance it looks as though it were clutched in a vast white owl's claw;
+and generally there is a wispy cloud caught on it like a white shirt on
+a poor man's Monday washpole. Or, huddled together in a nest formation
+like so many speckled eggs, you see the clutch of little mottled
+mountains for which nobody seems to have a name. If these mountains were
+in Scotland, Sir Walter Scott and Bobby Burns would have written about
+them and they would be world-famous, and tourists from America would
+come and climb their slopes, and stand upon their tops, and sop up
+romance through all their pores. But being in Arizona, dwarfed by the
+heaven-reaching ranges and groups that wall them in north, south and
+west, they have not even a Christian name to answer to.
+
+Anon--that is to say, at the end of those ten miles--you come to the
+head of Hermit Trail. There you leave your buckboard at a way station
+and mount your mule. Presently you are crawling downward, like a fly on
+a board fence, into the depths of the chasm. You pass through rapidly
+succeeding graduations of geology, verdure, scenery and temperature. You
+ride past little sunken gardens full of wild flowers and stunty fir
+trees, like bits of Old Japan; you climb naked red slopes crowned with
+the tall cactus, like Old Mexico; you skirt bald, bare, blistered
+vistas of desolation, like Old Perdition. You cross Horsethief's Trail,
+which was first traced out by the moccasined feet of marauding Apaches
+and later was used by white outlaws fleeing northward with their stolen
+pony herds.
+
+You pass above the gloomy shadows of Blythe's Abyss and wind beneath a
+great box-shaped formation of red sandstone set on a spindle rock and
+balancing there in dizzy space like Mohammed's coffin; and then, at the
+end of a mile-long jog along a natural terrace stretching itself midway
+between Heaven and the other place, you come to the residence of Shorty,
+the official hermit of the Grand Caņon.
+
+[Illustration: HE'D GARNER IN SOME FELLOWS THAT WASN'T SHEEPHERDERS]
+
+Shorty is a little, gentle old man, with warped legs and mild blue eyes
+and a set of whiskers of such indeterminate aspect that you cannot tell
+at first look whether they are just coming out or just going back in. He
+belongs--or did belong--to the vast vanishing race of old-time gold
+prospectors. Halfway down the trail he does light housekeeping under an
+accommodating flat ledge that pouts out over the pathway like a
+snuffdipper's under lip. He has a hole in the rock for his chimney, a
+breadth of weathered gray canvas for his door and an eighty-mile stretch
+of the most marvelous panorama on earth for his front yard. He minds the
+trail and watches out for the big boulders that sometimes fall in the
+night; and, except in the tourist season, he leads a reasonably quiet
+existence.
+
+Alongside of Shorty, Robinson Crusoe was a tenement-dweller, and Jonah,
+weekending in the whale, had a perfectly uproarious time; but Shorty
+thrives on a solitude that is too vast for imagining. He would not trade
+jobs with the most potted potentate alive--only sometimes in mid-summer
+he feels the need of a change stealing over him, and then he goes afoot
+out into the middle of Death Valley and spends a happy vacation of five
+or six weeks with the Gila monsters and the heat. He takes Toby with
+him.
+
+Toby is a gentlemanly little woolly dog built close to the earth like a
+carpet sweeper, with legs patterned crookedly--after the model of his
+master's. Toby has one settled prejudice: he dislikes Indians. You have
+only to whisper the word "Injun" and instantly Toby is off, scuttling
+away to the highest point that is handy. From there he peers all round
+looking for red invaders. Not finding any he comes slowly back, crushed
+to the earth with disappointment. Nobody has ever been able to decide
+what Toby would do with the Indians if he found them; but he and Shorty
+are in perfect accord. They have been associated together ever since
+Toby was a pup and Shorty went into the hermit business, and that was
+ten years ago. Sitting cross-legged on a flat rock like a little gnome,
+with his puckered eyes squinting off at space, Shorty told us how once
+upon a time he came near losing Toby.
+
+"Me and Toby," he said, "was over to Flagstaff, and that was several
+years ago. There was a saloon man over there owned a bulldog and he
+wanted that his bulldog and Toby should fight. Toby can lick mighty nigh
+any dog alive; but I didn't want that Toby should fight. But this here
+saloon man wouldn't listen. He sicked his bulldog on to Toby and in
+about a minute Toby was taking that bulldog all apart.
+
+"This here saloon man he got mad then--he got awful mad. He wanted to
+kill Toby and he pulled out his pistol. I begged him mighty hard please
+not to shoot Toby--I did so! I stood in front of Toby to protect him and
+I begged that man not to do it. Then some other fellows made him put up
+his gun, and me and Toby came on away from there." His voice trailed
+off. "I certainly would 'a' hated to lose Toby. We set a heap of store
+by one another--don't we, dog?" And Toby testified that it was
+so--testified with wriggling body and licking tongue and dancing eyes
+and a madly wagging stump tail.
+
+As we mounted and jogged away we looked back, and the pair of
+them--Shorty and Toby--were sitting there side by side in perfect
+harmony and perfect content; and I could not help wondering, in a
+country where we sometimes hang a man for killing a man, what would
+have been adequate punishment for a brute who would kill Toby and leave
+Shorty without his partner! In another minute, though, we had rounded a
+jagged sandstone shoulder and they were out of sight.
+
+About that time Johnny, our guide, felt moved to speech, and we
+hearkened to his words and hungered for more, for Johnny knows the
+ranges of the Northwest as a city dweller knows his own little side
+street. In the fall of the year Johnny comes down to the Caņon and
+serves as a guide a while; and then, when he gets so he just can't stand
+associating with tourists any longer, he packs his warbags and journeys
+back to the Northern Range and enjoys the company of cows a spell. Cows
+are not exactly exciting, but they don't ask fool questions.
+
+A highly competent young person is Johnny and a cowpuncher of parts.
+Most of the Caņon guides are cowpunchers--accomplished ones, too, and of
+high standing in the profession. With a touch of reverence Johnny
+pointed out to us Sam Scovel, the greatest bronco buster of his time,
+now engaged in piloting tourists.
+
+"Can he ride?" echoed Johnny in answer to our question. "Scovel could
+ride an earthquake if she stood still long enough for him to mount! He
+rode Steamboat--not Young Steamboat, but Old Steamboat! He rode Rocking
+Chair, and he's the only man that ever did do that and not be called on
+in a couple of days to attend his own funeral."
+
+This day he told us about one Tom, who lived up in Wyoming, where Johnny
+came from. It appeared that in an easier day Tom was hired by some
+cattle men to thin out the sheep herders who insisted upon invading the
+public ranges. By Johnny's account Tom did the thinning with
+conscientious attention to detail and gave general satisfaction for a
+while; but eventually he grew careless in his methods and took to
+killing parties who were under the protection of the game laws. Likewise
+his own private collection of yearlings began to increase with a
+rapidity which was only to be accounted for on the theory that a large
+number of calves were coming into the world with Tom's brand for a
+birthmark. So he lost popularity. Several times his funeral was privily
+arranged, but on each occasion was postponed owing to the failure of the
+corpse to be present. Finally he killed a young boy and was caught and
+convicted, and one morning they took him out and hanged him rather
+extensively.
+
+"Tom was mighty methodical," said Johnny. "He got five hundred a head
+for killing sheep herders--that was the regular tariff. Every time he
+bumped one off he'd put a stone under his head, which was his private
+mark--a kind of a duebill, as you might say. And when they'd find that
+dead herder with the rock under his head they'd know there was another
+five hundred comin' to Tom on the books; they always paid it, too. Once
+in a while, though, he'd cut loose in a saloon and garner in some
+fellows that wasn't sheep herders. There was quite a number that thought
+Tom acted kind of ungentlemanly when he was drinkin'."
+
+We went on and on at a lazy mule-trot, hearing the unwritten annals of
+the range from one who had seen them enacted at first hand. Pretty soon
+we passed a herd of burros with mealy, dusty noses and spotty hides,
+feeding on prickly pears and rock lichens; and just before sunset we
+slid down the last declivity out upon the plateau and came to a camp as
+was a camp!
+
+This was roughing it de luxe with a most de-luxey vengeance! Here were
+three tents, or rather three canvas houses, with wooden half-walls; and
+they were spick-and-span inside and out, and had glass windows in them
+and doors and matched wooden floors. The one that was a bedroom had gay
+Navajo blankets on the floor, and a stove in it, and a little bureau,
+and a washstand with white towels and good lathery soap. And there were
+two beds--not cots or bunks, but regular beds--with wire springs and
+mattresses and white sheets and pillowslips. They were not veteran
+sheets and vintage pillowslips either, but clean and spotless ones. The
+mess tent was provided with a table with a clean cloth to go over it,
+and there were china dishes and china cups and shiny knives, forks and
+spoons. Every scrap of this equipment had been brought down from the top
+on burro packs. The Grand Caņon is scenically artistic, but it is a
+non-producing district. And outside there was a corral for the mules; a
+canvas storehouse; hitching stakes for the burros; a Dutch oven, and a
+little forge where the guides sometimes shoe a mule. They aren't
+blacksmiths; they merely have to be. Bill was in charge of the camp--a
+dark, rangy, good-looking young leading man of a cowboy, wearing his
+blue shirt and his red neckerchief with an air. He spoke with the soft
+Texas drawl and in his way was as competent as Johnny.
+
+The sun, which had been winking farewells to us over the rim above,
+dropped out of sight as suddenly as though it had fallen into a well.
+From the bottom the shadows went slanting along the glooming walls of
+the gorges, swallowing up the yellow patches of sunlight that still
+lingered near the top like blacksnakes swallowing eggs. Every second the
+colors shifted and changed; what had been blue a moment before was now
+purple and in another minute would be a velvety black. A little lost
+ghost of an echo stole out of a hole and went straying up and down,
+feebly mocking our remarks and making them sound cheap and tawdry.
+
+Then the new moon showed as a silver fish, balancing on its tail and
+arching itself like a hooked skipjack. In a purpling sky the stars
+popped out like pinpricks and the peace that passes all understanding
+came over us. I wish to take advantage of this opportunity to say that,
+in my opinion, David Belasco has never done anything in the way of
+scenic effects to beat a moonrise in the Grand Caņon.
+
+I reckon we might have been there until now--my companion and I--soaking
+our souls in the unutterable beauty of that place, only just about that
+time we smelled something frying. There was also a most delectable
+sputtering sound as of fat meat turning over on a hot skillet; but just
+the smell alone was a square meal for a poor family. The meeting
+adjourned by acclamation. Just because a man has a soul is no reason he
+shouldn't have an appetite.
+
+That Johnny certainly could cook! Served on china dishes upon a
+cloth-covered table, we had mounds of fried steaks and shoals of fried
+bacon; and a bushel, more or less, of sheepherder potatoes; and green
+peas and sliced peaches out of cans; and sourdough biscuits as light as
+kisses and much more filling; and fresh butter and fresh milk; and
+coffee as black as your hat and strong as sin. How easy it is for
+civilized man to become primitive and comfortable in his way of eating,
+especially if he has just ridden ten miles on a buckboard and nine more
+on a mule and is away down at the bottom of the Grand Caņon--and there
+is nobody to look on disapprovingly when he takes a bite that would be a
+credit to a steam shovel!
+
+[Illustration: BECAUSE A MAN HAS A SOUL IS NO REASON HE SHOULDN'T HAVE
+AN APPETITE]
+
+Despite all reports to the contrary, I wish to state that it is no
+trouble at all to eat green peas off a knifeblade--you merely mix them
+in with potatoes for a cement; and fried steak--take it from an old
+steak-eater--tastes best when eaten with those tools of Nature's own
+providing, both hands and your teeth. An hour passed--busy, yet
+pleasant--and we were both gorged to the gills and had reared back with
+our cigars lit to enjoy a third jorum of black coffee apiece, when
+Johnny, speaking in an offhand way to Bill, who was still hiding away
+biscuits inside of himself like a parlor prestidigitator, said:
+
+"Seen any of them old hydrophobies the last day or two?"
+
+"Not so many," said Bill casually. "There was a couple out last night
+pirootin' round in the moonlight. I reckon, though, there'll be quite a
+flock of 'em out tonight. A new moon always seems to fetch 'em up from
+the river."
+
+Both of us quit blowing on our coffee and we put the cups down. I think
+I was the one who spoke.
+
+"I beg your pardon," I asked, "but what did you say would be out
+tonight?"
+
+"We were just speakin' to one another about them Hydrophoby Skunks,"
+said Bill apologetically. "This here Caņon is where they mostly hang out
+and frolic 'round."
+
+I laid down my cigar, too. I admit I was interested.
+
+"Oh!" I said softly--like that. "Is it? Do they?"
+
+"Yes," said Johnny. "I reckin there's liable to be one come shovin' his
+old nose into that door any minute. Or probably two--they mostly travels
+in pairs--sets, as you might say."
+
+"You'd know one the minute you saw him, though," said Bill. "They're
+smaller than a regular skunk and spotted where the other kind is
+striped. And they got little red eyes. You won't have no trouble at all
+recognizin' one."
+
+It was at this juncture that we both got up and moved back by the stove.
+It was warmer there and the chill of evening seemed to be settling down
+noticeably.
+
+"Funny thing about Hydrophoby Skunks," went on Johnny after a moment of
+pensive thought--"mad, you know!"
+
+"What makes them mad?" The two of us asked the question together.
+
+"Born that way!" explained Bill--"mad from the start, and won't never do
+nothin' to get shut of it."
+
+"Ahem--they never attack humans, I suppose?"
+
+"Don't they?" said Johnny, as if surprised at such ignorance. "Why,
+humans is their favorite pastime! Humans is just pie to a Hydrophoby
+Skunk. It ain't really any fun to be bit by a Hydrophoby Skunk neither."
+He raised his coffee cup to his lips and imbibed deeply.
+
+"Which you certainly said something then, Johnny," stated Bill. "You
+see," he went on, turning to us, "they aim to catch you asleep and they
+creep up right soft and take holt of you--take holt of a year
+usually--and clamp their teeth and just hang on for further orders. Some
+says they hang on till it thunders, same as snappin' turtles. But that's
+a lie, I judge, because there's weeks on a stretch down here when it
+don't thunder. All the cases I ever heard of they let go at sun-up."
+
+"It is right painful at the time," said Johnny, taking up the thread of
+the narrative; "and then in nine days you go mad yourself. Remember that
+fellow the Hydrophoby Skunk bit down here by the rapids, Bill? Let's
+see now--what was that hombre's name?"
+
+"Williams," supplied Bill--"Heck Williams. I saw him at Flagstaff when
+they took him there to the hospital. That guy certainly did carry on
+regardless. First he went mad and his eyes turned red, and he got so he
+didn't have no real use for water--well, them prospectors don't never
+care much about water anyway--and then he got to snappin' and bitin' and
+foamin' so's they had to strap him down to his bed. He got loose
+though."
+
+"Broke loose, I suppose?" I said.
+
+"No, he bit loose," said Bill with the air of one who would not deceive
+you even in a matter of small details.
+
+"Do you mean to say he bit those leather straps in two?"
+
+"No, sir; he couldn't reach them," explained Bill, "so he bit the bed in
+two. Not in one bite, of course," he went on. "It took him several. I
+saw him after he was laid out. He really wasn't no credit to himself as
+a corpse."
+
+I'm not sure, but I think my companion and I were holding hands by now.
+Outside we could hear that little lost echo laughing to itself. It was
+no time to be laughing either. Under certain circumstances I don't know
+of a lonelier place anywhere on earth than that Grand Caņon.
+
+Presently my friend spoke, and it seemed to me his voice was a mite
+husky. Well, he had a bad cold.
+
+"You said they mostly attack persons who are sleeping out, didn't you?"
+
+"That's right, too," said Johnny, and Bill nodded in affirmation.
+
+"Then, of course, since we sleep indoors everything will be all right,"
+I put in.
+
+"Well, yes and no," answered Johnny. "In the early part of the evening a
+hydrophoby is liable to do a lot of prowlin' round outdoors; but toward
+mornin' they like to get into camps--they dig up under the side walls or
+come up through the floor--and they seem to prefer to get in bed with
+you. They're cold-blooded, I reckin, same as rattlesnakes. Cool nights
+always do drive 'em in, seems like."
+
+"It's going to be sort of coolish to-night," said Bill casually.
+
+It certainly was. I don't remember a chillier night in years. My teeth
+were chattering a little--from cold--before we turned in. I retired with
+all my clothes on, including my boots and leggings, and I wished I had
+brought along my earmuffs. I also buttoned my watch into my lefthand
+shirt pocket, the idea being if for any reason I should conclude to move
+during the night I would be fully equipped for traveling. The door would
+not stay closely shut--the doorjamb had sagged a little and the wind
+kept blowing the door ajar. But after a while we dozed off.
+
+It was one-twenty-seven A.M. when I woke with a violent start. I know
+this was the exact time because that was when my watch stopped. I peered
+about me in the darkness. The door was wide open--I could tell that.
+Down on the floor there was a dragging, scuffling sound, and from almost
+beneath me a pair of small red eyes peered up phosphorescently.
+
+"He's here!" I said to my companion as I emerged from my blankets; and
+he, waking instantly, seemed instinctively to know whom I meant. I used
+to wonder at the ease with which a cockroach can climb a perfectly
+smooth wall and run across the ceiling. I know now that to do this is
+the easiest thing in the world--if you have the proper incentive behind
+you. I had gone up one wall of the tent and had crossed over and was in
+the act of coming down the other side when Bill burst in, his eyes
+blurred with sleep, a lighted lamp in one hand and a gun in the other.
+
+I never was so disappointed in my life because it wasn't a Hydrophobic
+Skunk at all. It was a pack rat, sometimes called a trade rat, paying us
+a visit. The pack or trade rat is also a denizen of the Grand Caņon. He
+is about four times as big as an ordinary rat and has an appetite to
+correspond. He sometimes invades your camp and makes free with your
+things, but he never steals anything outright--he merely trades with
+you; hence his name. He totes off a side of meat or a bushel of meal and
+brings a cactus stalk in; or he will confiscate your saddlebags and
+leave you in exchange a nice dry chip. He is honest, but from what I
+can gather he never gets badly stuck on a deal.
+
+Next morning at breakfast Johnny and Bill were doing a lot of laughing
+between them over something or other. But we had our revenge! About
+noon, as we were emerging at the head of the trail, we met one of the
+guides starting down with a couple that, for the sake of convenience, we
+had christened Clarence and Clarice. Shorty hailed us.
+
+"How's everything down at the camp?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, all right!" replied Bill--"only there's a good many of them
+Hydrophoby Skunks pesticatin' about. Last night we seen four."
+
+Clarence and Clarice crossed startled glances, and it seemed to me that
+Clarice's cheek paled a trifle; or it may have been Clarence's cheek
+that paled. He bent forward and asked Shorty something, and as we
+departed full of joy and content we observed that Shorty was composing
+himself to unload that stock horror tale. It made us very happy.
+
+By common consent we had named them Clarence and Clarice on their
+arrival the day before. At first glance we decided they must have come
+from Back Bay, Boston--probably by way of Lenox, Newport and Palm Beach;
+if Harvard had been a co-educational institution we should have figured
+them as products of Cambridge. It was a shock to us all when we learned
+they really hailed from Chicago. They were nearly of a height and a
+breadth, and similar in complexion and general expression; and
+immediately after arriving they had appeared for the ride down the
+Bright Angel in riding suits that were identical in color, cut and
+effect--long-tailed, tight-buttoned coats; derby hats; stock collars;
+shiny top boots; cute little crops, and form-fitting riding trousers
+with those Bartlett pear extensions midships and aft--and the prevalent
+color was a soft, melting, misty gray, like a cow's breath on a frosty
+morning. Evidently they had both patronized the same tailor.
+
+He was a wonder, that tailor. Using practically the same stage effects,
+he had, nevertheless, succeeded in making Clarence look feminine and
+Clarice look masculine. We had gone down to the rim to see them off. And
+when they passed us in all the gorgeousness of their city bridle-path
+regalia, enthroned on shaggy mules, behind a flock of tourists in
+nondescript yet appropriate attire, and convoyed by a cowboy who had no
+reverence in his soul for the good, the sweet and the beautiful, but
+kept sniggering to himself in a low, coarse way, we felt--all of
+us--that if we never saw another thing we were amply repaid for our
+journey to Arizona.
+
+The exactly opposite angle of this phenomenon was presented by a certain
+Eastern writer, a member, as I recall, of the Jersey City school of Wild
+West story writers, who went to Arizona about two years ago to see if
+the facts corresponded with his fiction; if not he would take steps to
+have the facts altered--I believe that was the idea. He reached El Tovar
+at Grand Caņon in the early morning, hurried at once to his room and
+presently appeared attired for breakfast. Competent eyewitnesses gave
+me the full details. He wore a flannel shirt that was unbuttoned at the
+throat to allow his Adam's apple full sweep, a hunting coat, buckskin
+pants and high boots, and about his waist was a broad belt supporting on
+one side a large revolver--one of the automatic kind, which you start in
+to shooting by pulling the trigger merely and then have to throw a
+bucket of water on it to make it stop--and on the other side, as a
+counterpoise, was a buck-handled bowie knife such as was so universally
+not used by the early pioneers of our country.
+
+As he crossed the lobby, jangling like a milk wagon, he created a
+pronounced impression upon all beholders. The hotel is managed by an
+able veteran of the hotel business, assisted by a charming and
+accomplished wife; it is patronized by scientists, scholars and
+cosmopolitans, who come from all parts of the world to see the Grand
+Caņon; and it is as up-to-the-minute in its appointments and service as
+though it fronted on Broadway, or Chestnut Street, or Pennsylvania
+Avenue.
+
+Our hero careened across the intervening space. On reaching the dining
+room he snatched off his coat and, with a gesture that would have turned
+Hackett or Faversham as green with envy as a processed stringbean, flung
+it aside and prepared to enter. It was plain that he proposed to put on
+no airs before the simple children of the desert wilds. He would eat his
+antelope steak and his grizzly b'ar chuck in his shirt-sleeves, the way
+Kit Carson and Old Man Bridger always did.
+
+[Illustration: HE WAS A REGULAR MOVING PICTURE COWBOY AND GAVE GENERAL
+SATISFACTION]
+
+The young woman who presides over the dining room met him at the door.
+In the cool, clarified accents of a Wellesley graduate, which she is,
+she invited him to have on his things if he didn't mind. She also
+offered to take care of his hardware for him while he was eating. He
+consented to put his coat back on, but he clung to his weapons--there
+was no telling when the Indians might start an uprising. Probably at the
+moment it would have deeply pained him to learn that the only Indian
+uprising reported in these parts in the last forty years was a carbuncle
+on the back of the neck of Uncle Hopi Hooligan, the gentle
+copper-colored floorwalker of the white-goods counter in the Hopi House,
+adjacent to the hotel!
+
+However, he stayed on long enough to discover that even this far west
+ordinary human garments make a most excellent protective covering for
+the stranger. Many of the tourists do not do this. They arrive in the
+morning, take a hurried look at the Caņon, mail a few postal cards, buy
+a Navajo blanket or two and are out again that night. Yet they could
+stay on for a month and make every hour count. To begin with, there is
+the Caņon, worth a week of anybody's undivided attention. Within easy
+reach are the Painted Desert and the Petrified Forests--thousands of
+acres of trees turned to solid agate. If these things were in Europe
+they would be studded thick with hotels and Americans by the thousand
+would flock across the seas to look at them. There are cliff-dwellers'
+ruins older than ancient Babylon and much less expensive.
+
+The reservations of the Hopis and the Navajos, most distinctive of all
+the Southern tribes, are handy, while all about stretches a big
+Government reserve full of natural wonders and unnatural ones,
+too--everything on earth except a Lover's Leap. There are unexcelled
+facilities for Lover's Leaps, too--thousands of appropriate places are
+within easy walking distance of the hotel; but no lover ever yet cared
+to leap where he would have to drop five or six thousand feet before he
+landed. He'd be such a mussy lover; no satisfaction to himself then--or
+to the undertaker, either.
+
+However, as I was saying, most of the tourists run in on the morning
+train and out again on the evening train. To this breed belonged a youth
+who dropped in during our stay; I think he must have followed the crowd
+in. As he came out from breakfast I chanced to be standing on the side
+veranda and I presume he mistook me for one of the hired help. This
+mistake has occurred before when I was stopping at hotels.
+
+"My friend," he said to me in the patronizing voice of an experienced
+traveler, "is there anything interesting to see round here at this time
+of day?"
+
+Either he had not heard there was a Grand Caņon going on regularly in
+that vicinity or he may have thought it was open only for matinees and
+evenings. So I took him by the hand and led him over to the curio store
+and let him look at the Mexican drawnwork. It seemed to satisfy him,
+too--until by chance he glanced out of a window and discovered that the
+Caņon was in the nature of a continuous performance.
+
+The same week there arrived a party of six or eight Easterners who
+yearned to see some of those real genuine Wild Western characters such
+as they had met so often in a film. The manager trotted out a troupe of
+trail guides for them--all ex-cowboys; but they, being merely half a
+dozen sunburned, quiet youths in overalls, did not fill the bill at all.
+The manager hated to have his guests depart disappointed. Privately he
+called his room clerk aside and told him the situation and the room
+clerk offered to oblige.
+
+The room clerk had come from Ohio two years before and was a mighty
+accommodating young fellow. He slipped across to the curio store and put
+on a big hat and some large silver spurs and a pair of leather chaps
+made by one of the most reliable mail-order houses in this country. Thus
+caparisoned, he mounted a pony and came charging across the lawn,
+uttering wild ki-yis and quirting his mount at every jump. He steered
+right up the steps to the porch where the delighted Easterners were
+assembled, and then he yanked the pony back on his haunches and held him
+there with one hand while with the other he rolled a brown-paper
+cigarette--which was a trick he had learned in a high-school frat at
+Cincinnati--and altogether he was the picture of a regular
+moving-picture cowboy and gave general satisfaction.
+
+If the cowboys are disappointing in their outward aspect, however,
+Captain Jim Hance is not. The captain is the official prevaricator of
+the Grand Caņon. It is probably the only salaried job of the sort in the
+world--his competitors in the same line of business mainly work for the
+love of it. He is a venerable retired prospector who is specially
+retained by the Santa Fe road for the sole purpose of stuffing the
+casual tourist with the kind of fiction the casual tourist's system
+seems to crave. He just moons round from spot to spot, romancing as he
+goes.
+
+Two of the captain's standbys have been advertised to the world. One of
+them deals with the sad fate of his bride, who on her honeymoon fell off
+into the Caņon and lodged on a rim three hundred feet below. "I was two
+days gettin' down to the poor little thing," he tells you, "and then I
+seen both her hind legs was broke." Here the captain invariably pauses
+and looks out musingly across the Caņon until the victim bites with an
+impatient "What happened then?" "Oh, I knew she wouldn't be no use to me
+any more as a bride--so I shot her!" The other tale he saves up until
+some tenderfoot notices the succession of blazes upon the treetrunks
+along one of the forest trails and wants to know what made those
+peculiar marks upon the bark all at the same height from the earth.
+Captain Hance explains that he himself did it--with his elbows and
+knees--while fleeing from a war party of Apaches.
+
+His newest one, though--the one he is featuring this year--is, in the
+opinion of competent judges, the gem of the Hance collection. It
+concerns the fate of one Total Loss Watkins, an old and devoted friend
+of the captain. As a preliminary he leads a group of wide-eared,
+doe-eyed victims to the rim of the Caņon. "Right here," he says
+sorrowfully, "was where poor old Total slipped off one day. It's two
+thousand feet to the first ledge and we thought he was a gone fawnskin,
+sure! But he had on rubber boots, and he had the presence of mind to
+light standing up. He bounced up and down for two days and nights
+without stoppin', and then we had to get a wingshot to kill him in order
+to keep him from starvin' to death."
+
+The next stop will be Southern California, the Land of Perpetual
+Sunshine--except when it rains!
+
+
+
+
+_HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CLIMATE?_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_How Do You Like the Climate?_
+
+
+ONCE upon a time a stranger went to Southern California; and when he was
+asked the customary question--to wit: "How do you like the climate?" he
+said: "No, I don't like it!" So they destroyed him on the spot. I have
+forgotten now whether they merely hanged him on the nearest tree or
+burned him at the stake; but they destroyed him utterly and hid his
+bones in an unmarked grave.
+
+History, that lying jade, records that when Balboa first saw the Pacific
+he plunged breast-deep into the waves, drew his sword and waved it on
+high, probably using for that purpose the Australian crawl stroke; and
+then, in that generous and carefree way of the early discoverers,
+claimed the ocean and all points west in the name of his Catholic
+Majesty, Carlos the Cutup, or Pedro the Impossible, or whoever happened
+to be the King of Spain for the moment. Personal investigation convinces
+me that the current version of the above incident was wrong.
+
+What Balboa did first was to state that he liked the climate better than
+any climate he'd ever met; was perfectly crazy about it, in fact, and
+intended to sell out back East and move West just as soon as he could
+get word home to his folks; after which, still following the custom of
+the country, he bought a couple of Navajo blankets and some moccasins
+with blue beadwork on the toes, mailed a few souvenir postcards to close
+friends, and had his photograph taken showing him standing in the midst
+of the tropical verdure, with a freshly picked orange in his hand. And
+if he waved his sword at all it was with the idea of forcing the
+real-estate agents to stand back and give him air. I am sure that these
+are the correct details, because that is what every round-tripper does
+upon arriving in Southern California; and, though Balboa finished his
+little jaunt of explorations at a point some distance below the
+California state line, he was still in the climate belt. Life out there
+in that fair land is predicated on climate; out there climate is
+capitalized, organized and systematized. Every native is a climate
+booster; so is every newcomer as soon as he has stuck round long enough
+to get the climate habit, which is in from one to three days. They talk
+climate; they think climate; they breathe it by day; they snore it by
+night; and in between times they live on it. And it is good living,
+too--especially for the real-estate people and the hotel-keepers.
+
+Southern Californians brag of their climate just as New York brags of
+its wickedness and its skyscrapers, and as Richmond brags of its cooking
+and its war memories. I don't blame them either; the California climate
+is worth all the brags it gets. Back East in the wintertime we have
+weather; out in Southern California they never have weather--nothing but
+climate. For hours on hours a native will stand outdoors, with his hat
+off and his head thrown back, inhaling climate until you can hear his
+nostrils smack. And after you've been on the spot a day or two you're
+doing the same thing yourself, for, in addition to being salubrious, the
+California climate is catching.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOY WHO SELLS YOU A PAPER AND THE YOUTH WHO BLACKENS
+YOUR SHOES BOTH SHOW SOLICITUDE]
+
+Just as soon as you cross the Arizona line you discover that you have
+entered the climate belt. As your train whizzes past the monument that
+marks the boundary an earnest-minded passenger leans over, taps you on
+the breastbone and informs you that you are now in California, and
+wishes to know, as man to man, whether you don't regard the climate as
+about the niftiest article in that line you ever experienced! At the
+hotel the young lady of the telephone switchboard, who calls you in the
+morning, plugs in the number of your room; and when you drowsily answer
+the bell she informs you that it is now eight-thirty and--What do you
+think of the climate? The boy who sells you a paper and the youth who
+blackens your shoes both show solicitude to elicit your views upon this
+paramount subject.
+
+At breakfast the waiter finds out--if he can--how you like the climate
+before finding out how you like your eggs. When you pay your bill on
+going away the clerk somehow manages to convey the impression that the
+charges have been remarkably moderate considering what you have enjoyed
+in the matter of climate. Punching your round-trip ticket on the train
+starting East, the conductor has a few well-merited words to speak on
+behalf of the climate of the Glorious Southland, the same being the
+favorite pet name of the resident classes for the entire lower end of
+the state of California.
+
+Everybody is doing it, including press, pulpit and general public. The
+weather story--beg pardon, the climate story--is the most important
+thing in the daily paper, especially if a blizzard has opportunely
+developed back East somewhere and is available for purposes of
+comparison. At Los Angeles, which is the great throbbing heart of the
+climate belt, I went as a guest to a stag given at the handsome new
+clubhouse of a secret order renowned the continent over for its
+hospitality and its charities. We sat, six or seven hundred of us, in a
+big assembly hall, smoked cigars and drank light drinks, and witnessed
+some corking good sparring bouts by non-professional talent. There were
+two or three ministers present--fine, alert representatives of the
+modern type of city clergymen. When eleven o'clock came the master of
+ceremonies announced the toast, To Our Absent Brothers! and called upon
+one of those clergymen to respond to it.
+
+The minister climbed up on the platform--a tall man, with a thick crop
+of hair and a profile as clean cut as a cameo and as mobile as an
+actor's, the face of a born orator. He could talk, too, that preacher!
+In language that was poetic without being sloppy he paid a tribute to
+the spirit of fraternity that fairly lifted us out of our chairs. Every
+man there was touched, I think--and deeply touched; no man who believed
+in the brotherhood of man, whether he practiced it or not, could have
+listened unmoved to that speech. He spoke of the absent ones. Some of
+them he said had answered the last rollcall, and some were stretched
+upon the bed of affliction, and some were unavoidably detained by
+business in the East; and he intimated that those in the last category
+who had been away for as long as three weeks wouldn't know the old place
+when they got back!--Applause.
+
+This naturally brought him round to the subject of Los Angeles as a city
+of business and homes. He pointed out its marvelous growth--quoting
+freely from the latest issue of the city directory and other reliable
+authorities to prove his figures; he made a few heartrousing predictions
+touching on its future prospects, as tending to show that in a year or
+less San Francisco and other ambitious contenders along the Coast would
+be eating at the second table; he peopled the land clear back to the
+mountains with new homes and new neighbors; and he wound up, in a burst
+of vocal glory, with the most magnificent testimonial for the climate I
+ever heard any climate get. Did he move his audience then? Oh, but
+didn't he move them, though! Along toward the close of the third minute
+of uninterrupted cheering I thought the roof was gone.
+
+On the day after my arrival I made one very serious mistake; in fact, it
+came near to being a fatal one. I met a lady, and naturally right away
+she asked me the customary opening question. Every conversation between
+a stranger and a resident begins according to that formula. Still it
+seemed to me an inopportune hour for bringing up the subject. It was
+early in March and the day was one of those days which a greenhorn from
+the East might have been pardoned for regarding as verging upon the
+chilly--not to say the raw. Also, it seemed to be raining. I say it
+seemed to be raining, because no true Southern Californian would admit
+any actual defects in the climatic arrangements. If pressed he might
+concede that ostensibly an infinitesimal percentage of precipitation was
+descending, and that apparently the mercury had descended a notch or two
+in the tube. Further than that, in the absence of the official reports,
+he would not care to commit himself.
+
+You never saw such touching loyalty anywhere! Those scoffing neighbors
+of Noah who kept denying on there was going to be any flood right up to
+the moment when they went down for the third time were rank amateurs
+alongside a seasoned resident of Los Angeles. I was newly arrived,
+however, and I hadn't acquired the ethics yet; and, besides, I had
+contracted a bad cold and had been taking a number of things for it and
+for the moment was, as you might say, full of conflicting emulsions. So,
+in reply to this lady's question, I said it occurred to me that the
+prevalent atmospheric conditions might for the nonce stand a few
+trifling alterations without any permanent ill effects.
+
+I repeat that this was a mistake; for this particular lady was herself a
+recent arrival, and of all the incurable Californians, the new ones are
+the most incurable. She gave me one look--but such a look! From a
+reasonably solid person I became first a pulp and then a pap; and then,
+reversing the processes of creation as laid down in Genesis, first
+chapter, and first to fifth verses, I liquefied and turned to gas, and
+darkness covered me, and I became void and without form, and passed off
+in the form of a vapor, leaving my clothes inhabited only by a blushing
+and embarrassed emptiness. When the outraged lady abated the intensity
+of her scornful gaze and I painfully reassembled my astral body out of
+space and projected it back into my earthly tenement again, I found I'd
+shrunk so in these various processes that nothing I wore fitted me any
+longer.
+
+I shall never commit that error again. I know better now. If I were a
+condemned criminal about to die on a gallows at the state penitentiary,
+I would make the customary announcement touching on my intention of
+going straight to Heaven--condemned criminals never seem to have any
+doubt on that point--and then in conclusion I would add that after
+Southern California, I knew I wouldn't care for the climate Up There.
+Then I would step serenely off into eternity, secure in the belief that,
+no matter how heinous my crime might have been, all the local papers
+would give me nice obituary notices.
+
+I'd be absolutely sure of the papers, because the papers are the last to
+concede that there ever was or ever will be a flaw in the climate
+anywhere. In a certain city out on the Coast there is one paper that
+refuses even to admit that a human being can actually expire while
+breathing the air of Southern California. It won't go so far as to say
+that anybody has died--"passed away" is the term used. You read in its
+columns that Medulla Oblongata, the Mexican who was kicked in the head
+by a mule last Sunday afternoon, has passed away at the city hospital;
+or that, during yesterday's misunderstanding in Chinatown between the
+Bing Bangs and the Ok Louies, two Tong men were shot and cut in such a
+manner that they practically passed away on the spot. When I was there I
+traveled all one day over the route of an unprecedented cold snap that
+had happened along a little earlier and mussed up the citrus groves;
+and, though I will not go so far as to say that the orange crop had
+died or that it had been killed, it did look to me as though it had
+passed away to a considerable extent.
+
+This sort of visitation, however, doesn't occur often; in fact, it never
+had occurred before--and the chances are it never will occur again. Next
+to taxes and the high cost of living, I judge the California climate to
+be about the most dependable institution we have in this country--yes,
+and one of the most satisfactory, too. To its climate California is
+indebted for being the most extravagantly beautiful spot I've seen on
+this continent. It isn't just beautiful in spots--it is beautiful all
+over; it isn't beautiful in a sedate, reserved way--there is a prodigal,
+riotous, abandoned spendthriftiness to its beauty.
+
+I don't know of anything more wonderful than an automobile ride through
+one of the fruit valleys in the Mission country. In one day's
+travel--or, at most, two--you can get a taste of all the things that
+make this farthermost corner of the United States at once so diversified
+and so individual--sky-piercing mountain and mirage-painted desert;
+seashore and upland; ranch lands, farm lands and fruit lands; city and
+town; traces of our oldest civilization and stretches of our newest;
+wilderness and jungle and landscape garden; the pines of the snows, the
+familiar growths of the temperate zone, the palms of the tropics; and
+finally--which is California's own--the Big Trees. All day you may ride
+and never once will your eye rest upon a picture that is commonplace or
+trumpery.
+
+Going either North or South, your road lies between mountains. To the
+eastward, shutting out the deserts from this domain of everlasting
+summer, are the Sierras--great saw-edged old he-mountains, masculine as
+bulls or bucks, all rugged and wrinkled, bearded with firs and pines
+upon their jowls, but bald-headed and hoar with age atop like the
+Prophets of old. But the mountains of the Coast Range, to the westward,
+are full-bosomed and maternal, mothering the valleys up to them; and
+their round-uddered, fecund slopes are covered with softest green. Only
+when you come closer to them you see that the garments on their breasts
+are not silky-smooth as they looked at a distance, but shirred and
+gored, gathered and smocked. I suppose even a lady mountain never gets
+too old to follow the fashions!
+
+Now you pass an orchard big enough to make a hundred of your average
+Eastern orchards; and if it be of apples or plums or cherries, and the
+time be springtime, it is all one vast white bridal bouquet; but if it
+be of almonds or peaches the whole land, maybe for miles on end, blazes
+with a pink flame that is the pinkest pink in the world--pinker than the
+heart of a ripe watermelon; pinker than the inside of a blond cow.
+
+Here is a meadowland of purest, deepest green; and flung across it, like
+a streak of sunshine playing hooky from Heaven, is a slash of wild
+yellow poppies. There, upon a hillside, stands a clump of gnarly,
+dwarfed olives, making you think of Bible times and the Old Testament.
+Or else it is a great range, where cattle by thousands feed upon the
+slopes. Or a crested ridge, upon which the gum trees stand up in long
+aisles, sorrowful and majestic as the funereal groves of the ancient
+Greeks--that is, provided it was the ancient Greeks who had the funereal
+groves.
+
+Or, best of all and most striking in its contrasts, you will see a hill
+all green, with a nap on it like a family album; and right on the top of
+it an old, crumbly gray mission, its cross gleaming against the skyline;
+and, down below, a modern town, with red roofs and hipped windows, its
+houses buried to their eaves in palms and giant rose bushes, and huge
+climbing geraniums, and all manner of green tropical growths that are
+Nature's own Christmas trees, with the red-and-yellow dingle-dangles
+growing upon them. Or perhaps it is a gorge choked with the enormous
+redwoods, each individual tree with a trunk like the Washington
+Monument. And, if you are only as lucky as we were, up overhead, across
+the blue sky, will be drifting a hundred fleecy clouds, one behind the
+other, like woolly white sheep grazing upon the meadows of the
+firmament.
+
+Everywhere the colors are splashed on with a barbaric, almost a
+theatrical, touch. It's a regular backdrop of a country; its scenery
+looks as though it belonged on a stage--as though it should be painted
+on a curtain. You almost expect to see a chorus of comic-opera brigands
+or a bevy of stage milkmaids come trooping out of the wings any minute.
+Who was the libelous wretch who said that the flowers of California had
+no perfume and the birds there had no song? Where we passed through
+tangled woods the odors distilled from the wild flowers by the sun's
+warmth were often almost suffocating in their sweetness; and in a
+yellow-tufted bush on the lawn at Coronado I came upon a mocking-bird
+singing in a way to make his brother minstrel of Mobile or Savannah feel
+like applying for admission to a school of expression and learning the
+singing business all over again.
+
+[Illustration: OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE WILL CRAWL A REAL ESTATE
+AGENT]
+
+At the end of the valley--top end or bottom end as the case may be--you
+come to a chain of lesser mountains, dropped down across your path like
+a trailing wing of the Indians' fabled thunder-bird, vainly trying to
+shut you out from the next valley. You climb the divide and run through
+the pass, with a brawling river upon one side and tall cliffs upon the
+other; and then all of a sudden the hills magically part and you are
+within sight--almost within touch--of the ocean; for in this favored
+land the mountains come right down to the sea and the sea comes right up
+to the mountains. It may be upon a tiny bay that you have emerged, with
+the meadows sloping straight to tidemark, and out beyond the wild fowl
+feeding by the kelp beds.
+
+Or perhaps you have come out upon a ragged, rugged headland, crowned
+belike with a single wind-twisted tree, grotesquely suggesting a frizzly
+chicken; and away below, straight and sheer, are the rocks rising out of
+the water like the jaws of a mangle. Down there in that ginlike reef
+Neptune is forever washing out his shirt in a smother of foamy lather.
+And he has spilled his bluing pot, too--else how could all the sea be so
+blue? On the outermost rocks the sea-lions have stretched themselves,
+looking like so many overgrown slugs; and they lie for hours and sun
+themselves and bellow--or, at least, I am told they do so on occasion.
+There was unfortunately no bellowing going on the day I was there.
+
+The unearthly beauty of the whole thing overpowers you. The poet that
+lives in nearly every human soul rouses within you and you feel like
+withdrawing to yon dense grove or yon peaked promontory to commune with
+Nature. But be advised in season. Restrain yourself! Carefully refrain!
+Do not do so! Because out from under a rock somewhere will crawl a
+real-estate agent to ask you how you like the climate and take a dollar
+down as first payment on a fruit ranch, or a suburban lot, or a seaside
+villa--or something.
+
+Climate did it and he can prove it. Only he doesn't have to prove
+it--you admit it. I had never seen the Mediterranean when I went West;
+but I saw the cypresses of Del Monte, and the redwood grove in the caņon
+just below Harry Leon Wilson's place, down past Carmel-by-the-Sea; and
+that was sufficient. I had no burning yearning to see Naples and die, as
+the poet suggested. I felt that I would rather see Monterey Bay again on
+a bright March day and live!
+
+And for all of this--for fruit, flowers and scenery, for real-estate
+agents, and for a race of the most persistent boosters under the
+sun--the climate is responsible. Climate advertised is responsible for
+the rush of travel from the East that sets in with the coming of winter
+and lasts until well into the following spring; and climate realized is
+responsible for the string of tourist hotels that dot the Coast all
+along from just below San Francisco to the Mexican border.
+
+Both externally and internally the majority of these hotels are
+singularly alike. Mainly they are rambling frame structures done in a
+modified Spanish architecture--late Spanish crossed on Early
+Peoria--with a lobby so large that, loafing there, you feel as though
+you were in the waiting-room of the Grand Central Terminal, and with a
+dining room about the size of the state of Rhode Island, and a sun
+parlor that has windows all round, so as to give its occupants the
+aspect, when viewed from without, of being inmates of an aquarium; and a
+gorgeous tea room done in the style of one of the French Louies--Louie
+the Limit, I guess. There are some notable exceptions to the rule--some
+of the places have pleasing individualities of their own, but most of
+them were cut off the same pattern. Likewise the bulk of their winter
+patrons are cut off the same pattern.
+
+The average Eastern tourist is a funny biped anyhow, and he is at his
+funniest out in California. Living along the Eastern seaboard are a
+large number of well-to-do people who harken not to the slogan of See
+America First, because many of them cannot see America at any price;
+they can just barely recognize its existence as a suitable place for
+making money, but no place for spending it. What makes life worth living
+to them is the fact that Europe is distant only a four-day run by the
+four-day boat, the same being known as a four-day boat because only four
+days are required for the run between Daunt's Rock and Ambrose Channel,
+which is a very convenient arrangement for deep-sea divers and
+long-distance swimmers desiring to get on at Daunt's Rock and get off in
+Ambrose Channel, but slightly extending the journey for passengers who
+are less amphibious by nature.
+
+These people constitute one breed of Eastern tourists. There is the
+other breed, who are willing to see America provided it is made over to
+conform with the accepted Eastern model. Those who can afford the
+expense go to Florida in the winter; but it requires at least a million
+in small change to feel at home in that setting, and so a good many who
+haven't quite a million to spare, head for Southern California as the
+next best spot on the map. Arriving there, they endeavor to reproduce on
+as exact a scale as possible the life of the ultra fashionable Florida
+resorts; the result is what a burlesque manager would call a Number Two
+Palm Beach company playing the Western Wheel.
+
+Up and down the Coast these tourists traipse for months on end,
+spending a week here and two weeks there, and doing the same things in
+the same way at each new stopping place. You meet them, part from them,
+and meet them again at the next stand, until the monotony of it grows
+maddening; and always they are intently following the routine you saw
+them following last week or the week before, or the week before that.
+They have traveled clear across the continent to practice such
+diversions as they might have had within two hours' ride of Philadelphia
+or New York; and they are going to practice them, too, or know the
+reason why.
+
+Of course they are not all constituted this way; I am speaking now of
+the impression created in California by tourists in bulk. They decline
+to do the things for which this country is best adapted; they will not
+see the things for which it is most famous. Few of them take the
+roughing trips up into the mountains; fewer still visit the desert
+country. All about them the tremendous engineering contracts that have
+made this land a commercial Arabian Nights' Entertainment are being
+carried out--the mighty reclamation schemes; the irrigation projects;
+the damming up of caņons and the shoveling away of mountains--but your
+average group of Eastern tourists pass these by with dull and glazed
+eyes, their souls being bound up in the desire to reach the next hotel
+on the route with the least possible waste of time, and take up the
+routine where it was broken off at the last hotel.
+
+They tennis and they golf, and some go horseback riding and some take
+drives; and at one or two places there is polo in the season. Likewise,
+in accordance with the rules laid down by the Palm Beach authorities,
+the women change clothes as often as possible during the course of the
+day; and in the evening all hands appear in full dress for dinner, the
+same being very wearing on men and very pleasing to women--that is, all
+of them do except a few obstinate persons who defy convention and remain
+comfortable. After dinner some of the younger people dance and some of
+the older ones play bridge; but the vast majority sit round--and then
+sit round some more and wonder whether eleven o'clock will ever come so
+they can go to bed!
+
+A good many take the wrong kind of clothes out there with them. They
+have read in the advertisements that Southern California is a land of
+perpetual balm, where flowers bloom the year round; and they pack their
+trunks with the lightest and thinnest wearing apparel they own, which is
+a mistake. The natives know better than that. The all-wool sweater is
+the national garment of the Western Coast--both sexes and all ages go to
+it unanimously. Experience proves it the ideal thing to wear; for in
+Southern California in the winter it is never really hot in the sun and
+it is often exceedingly cool in the shade. Besides, there is a sea wind
+that blows pretty regularly and which makes a specialty of working
+through the crannies in a silk shirt or a lingerie blouse. The
+chilliest, most pallid-looking things I ever saw in my life were a pair
+of white linen trousers I found in the top tray of my trunk when I
+reached the extreme lower end of California. I had to cover them under
+two blankets and a bedspread that night to keep the poor things from
+freezing stiff.
+
+The medium-weight garments an Easterner wears between seasons are
+admirably suited for the West Coast in the winter; but the guileless
+tenderfoot who is making his first trip to California usually doesn't
+learn this until it is too late. If he is wise he studies out the
+situation on his arrival, and thereafter takes his overcoat with him
+when he goes riding and his sweater when he goes walking; but there are
+many others who will be summer boys and girls though they perish in the
+attempt.
+
+At Coronado I witnessed a mighty pitiable sight. It was a cool day,
+cooler than ordinary even, with a stiff wind blowing skeiny shreds of
+sea fog in off the gray ocean; and a beating rain was falling at
+frequent intervals. The veranda was full of Easterners trying to look
+comfortable in summer clothes and not succeeding, while the road in
+front was dotted with Westerners, comfortable and cozy in their thick
+sweaters. There emerged upon the wind-swept porch a youth who would have
+been a sartorial credit to himself on a Florida beach in February or
+upon a Jersey board-walk in August; but he did not coincide with the
+atmospheric scheme of things on a rainy March day down in Southern
+California.
+
+[Illustration: HE FELT HE WAS PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE TIME, THE PLACE
+AND THE OCCASION]
+
+To begin with, he was a spindly and fragile person, with a knobby
+forehead and a fade-away face. Dressed in close-fitting black and turned
+sidewise, with his profile to you, he would instantly suggest a neatly
+rolled umbrella with a plain bone handle. But he was not dressed in
+black; he was dressed in white--all white, like a bride or a bandaged
+thumb; white silk shirt; white flannel coat, with white pearl buttons
+spangled freely over it; white trousers; white Panama hat; white socks;
+white buckskin shoes, with white rubber soles on them. He was, in short,
+all white except his face, which was a pinched, wan blue, and his nose,
+which was a suffused and chilly red. If my pencil had had an eraser
+on it I'm satisfied I could have backed him up against the wall and
+rubbed him right out; but he bore up splendidly.
+
+It was plain he felt that he was properly dressed for the time, the
+place and the occasion; and to him that was ample compensation for his
+suffering. I heard afterward that he lost three sets of tennis and had a
+congestive chill--all in the course of the same afternoon.
+
+The unconquerable determination of the Eastern tourist to have Southern
+California conform to his back-home standards is responsible for the
+fact that many of the tourist hotels out there are not so typical of the
+West as they might be--and as in my humble judgment they should be--but
+are as Eastern as it is possible to make them--Eastern in cuisine, in
+charges and in their operating schedules. Here, again, there are some
+notable exceptions.
+
+In the supposedly wilder sections of the West, lying between the Rockies
+and the Sierras, the situation is different. It is notably different in
+Arizona and New Mexico in the South, and in Utah, Montana and Wyoming
+in the North. There the person who serves you for hire is neither your
+menial nor your superior; whereas in the East he or she is nearly always
+one or the other, and sometimes both at once. This particular type of
+Westerner doesn't patronize you; neither does he cringe to you in
+expectation of a tip. He gives you the best he has in stock, meanwhile
+retaining his own self-respect and expecting you to do the same. He
+ennobles and dignifies personal service.
+
+Out on the Coast, however--or at least at several of the big hotels out
+on the Coast--the system, thanks to Eastern influence, has been changed.
+The whole scheme is patterned after the accepted New York model. The
+charges for small services are as exorbitant as in New York, and the
+iniquities of the tipping system are worked out as amply and as wickedly
+as in the city where they originated.
+
+Somebody with a taste for statistics figured it out once that if a man
+owned a three-dollar hat and wore it for two months, lunching every day
+at a New York café, and if he dined four nights a week at a New York
+restaurant and attended the theater twice a week, his hat at the end of
+those two months would cost him in tips eighteen dollars and seventy
+cents! No, on second thought, I guess it was a pair of earmuffs that
+would have cost him eighteen-seventy.
+
+A hat would have been more.
+
+It would be more in Southern California--I'm sure of that. There the
+tipping habit is made more expensive by reason of the prevalent spirit
+of Western generosity. The born Westerner never has got used to dimes
+and nickels. To him quarters are still chicken-feed and a half dollar is
+small change. So the tips are just as numerous as in New York and for
+the same service they are frequently larger.
+
+A lot has been said and written about the marvelous palms of Lower
+California and a lot more might be said--for they are outstretched
+everywhere; and if you don't cross them with silver at frequent
+intervals you would do well to try camping out for a change. Likewise a
+cursory glance at the prices on some of the menus is calculated to make
+a New Yorker homesick--they're so familiarly and unreasonably steep. And
+frequently the dishes you get aren't typical of the country; they
+are--thanks again be to the Easterner--mostly transplanted imitations of
+the concoctions of the Broadway and the Fifth Avenue chefs.
+
+There are compensations, though. There are some hotels that are operated
+on admirably different lines, and there are abundant opportunities for
+escaping altogether from hotel life and seeing this Land of the Living
+Backdrop where it is untainted and unspoiled; where the hills are
+clothed in green and yellow; where little Spanishy looking towns nestle
+below the Missions, and the mocking-birds sing, and the real-estate
+boomer leaps from crag to crag, sounding his flute-like note. And don't
+forget the climate! But that is unnecessary advice. You won't have a
+chance to forget it--not for a minute you won't!
+
+
+
+
+_IN THE HAUNT OF THE NATIVE SON_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_In the Haunt of the Native Son_
+
+
+THERE are various ways of entering San Francisco, and the traveling
+general passenger agent of any one of half a dozen trunklines stands
+ready to prove to you--absolutely beyond the peradventure of a
+doubt--that his particular way is incomparably the best one; but to my
+mind a very satisfactory way is to go overland from Monterey.
+
+The route we followed led us lengthwise through the wonderful Santa
+Clara country, straight up a wide box plait of valley tucked in between
+an ornamental double ruffle of mountains. I suppose if we passed one
+ranch we passed a thousand--cattle ranches, fruit ranches, hen ranches,
+chicken ranches, bee ranches--all the known varieties and subvarieties.
+
+In California you mighty soon get out of the habit of speaking of farms;
+for there are no farms--only ranches. The particular ranch to which you
+have reference may be a ten-thousand-acre ranch, where they raise enough
+beef critters to feed a standing army, or it may be a half-acre ranch,
+where somebody is trying to make things home-like and happy for eight
+hens and a rooster; but a ranch it always is, and usually it is a model
+of its kind, too. The birds in California do not build nests. They build
+ranches.
+
+Most of the way along the Santa Clara Valley our tires glided upon an
+arrow-straight, unbelievably smooth stretch of magnificent automobile
+road, which--when it is completed--will extend without a break from the
+Oregon line to the Mexican line, and will be the finest, costliest, best
+thoroughfare to be found within the boundaries of any state of the
+Union, that being the scale upon which they work out their
+public-utility plans in the West.
+
+Eventually the road changes into a paved and curbed avenue, lined with
+seemingly unending aisles of the tall gum trees. Soon you begin to
+skitter past the suburban villas of rich men, set back in ornamental
+landscape effects of green lawns and among tropical verdure. You emerge
+from this into a gently rolling plateau, upon which flower gardens of
+incomparable richness are interspersed with the homely structures that
+inevitably mark the proximity of any great city. There, rising ahead of
+you, are the foothills that protect, upon its landward side, San
+Francisco, the city that has produced more artists, more poets, more
+writers, more actors, more pugilists, more sudden millionaires--cries of
+Question! Question! from the Pittsburgh delegation--more good fiction
+and more Native Sons than any community in the Western Hemisphere.
+
+You aren't there yet, however. Next you round a sloping shoulder of a
+hill and slide down into a shore road, with the beating, creaming surf
+on one side, and on the other a long succession of the sort of
+architectural triumphs that have made Coney Island famous. You negotiate
+another small ridge and there, suddenly spread out before you, is the
+Golden Gate, with the city itself cuddled in between the ocean and the
+friendly protecting mountains at its back. The Seal Rocks are there, and
+the Cliff House, and the Presidio, and all. New York has a wonderful
+harbor entrance; Nature did some of it and man did the rest. San
+Francisco has an even more wonderful one, and the hand of man did not
+need to touch it. When Nature got through with it, it was a complete and
+satisfactory job.
+
+The first convincing impression the newcomer gets of San Francisco is
+that here is a permanent city--a city that has found itself, has
+achieved its own personality, and is satisfied with it. Perhaps, because
+they are growing so fast, certain of the other Coast cities strike the
+casual observer as having just been put up. I was told that a man who
+lives on a residential street of San Diego has to mark his house with
+chalk when he leaves of a morning in order to know it when he gets home
+at night. A real-estate agent told me so, and I do not think a Southern
+California real-estate agent would deceive anybody--more particularly a
+stranger from the East. So it must be true. And Los Angeles' main
+business district is like a transverse slice chopped out of the middle
+of Manhattan Island. It isn't Western. It is typically New Yorky--as
+alive as New York and as handsomely done. You can almost imagine you are
+at the corner of Broadway and Forty-second Street.
+
+San Francisco, it seems to me, isn't like any city on earth except San
+Francisco. Once you get away from the larger hotels, which are accurate
+copies of the metropolitan article of the East, even to the afternoon
+tea-fighting męlées of the women, you find yourself in a city that is
+absolutely individual and distinctive. It impresses its originality upon
+you; it presents itself with an air of having been right there from the
+beginning--and this, too, in spite of the fact that the ravages of the
+great fire are still visible in old cellar excavations and piles of
+débris. Practically every building in the main part of the town has
+been rebuilt within eight years and is still new. The scars are fresh,
+but the spirit is old and abides.
+
+This same essence of individuality tinctures the lives, the manners and
+the conversations of the people. They do not strike you as being
+Westerners or as being transplanted Easterners; they are San
+Franciscans. Even when all other signs fail you may, nevertheless,
+instantly discern certain unfailing traits--to wit, as follows: 1--A San
+Franciscan shudders with ill-concealed horror when anybody refers to his
+beloved city as Frisco--which nobody ever does unless it be a raw alien
+from the other side of the continent; 2--He does not brag of the climate
+with that constancy which provides his neighbor of Los Angeles a
+never-failing topic of congenial conversation; and 3--He assures you
+with a regretful sighing note in his voice that the old-time romance
+disappeared with the destruction of the old-time buildings, the old-time
+resorts and the old-time neighborhoods.
+
+It has been my experience that romance is always in the past tense
+anyhow. Romance is a commodity that was extremely plentiful last week or
+last year or last century, but for the moment they are entirely out of
+it, and can't say with any degree of certainty when a fresh stock will
+be coming in. This is largely true of all the formerly romantic cities I
+know anything about, and it appears to be especially true of San
+Francisco. Romance invariably acquires added value after it has
+vanished; in this respect it is very much like a history-making epoch.
+An epoch rarely seems to create any great amount of excitement when it
+is in process of epoching, or at least the excitement is only temporary
+and soon abates. Afterward we look back upon it with a feeling of
+longing, but when it was actually coming to pass we took it--after the
+first shock of surprise--as a matter of course.
+
+No doubt our children and our children's children will read in the
+text-books that the first decade of the twentieth century was
+distinguished as the age when the auto and tango came into use, and
+people learned to fly, and grown men wore bracelet watches and carried
+their handkerchiefs up their cuffs; and they will repine because they,
+too, did not live in those stirring times. But we of the present
+generation who recently passed through these experiences have already
+accepted them without undue excitement, just as our forefathers in their
+day accepted the submarine cable, the galvanic battery and the congress
+gaiter.
+
+[Illustration: EVEN THE PLACE WHERE THE TURKEY TROT ORIGINATED WAS
+TROTLESS AND QUIET]
+
+Age and antiquity give an added value to everything except an egg. In my
+own case I know how it was with regard to the Egyptian scarab. For years
+I felt that I could never rest satisfied until I had gone to Egypt and
+had personally broken into the tomb of some sleeping Pharaoh or some
+crumbly old Rameses, and with my own hands had ravished from it a
+mummified specimen of that fabled beetle which the ancients worshiped
+and buried with them in their tombs. But not long ago I made the
+discovery that, in coloring, habits, customs and general walk and
+conversation, the scarab of the Egyptians was none other than the
+common tumblebug of the Southern dirt roads. Right there was where I
+lost interest in the scarab. He was no novelty to me--not after that he
+wasn't. As a boy I had known him intimately.
+
+So, when I was repeatedly assured that the old-time romance had vanished
+from San Francisco, and with it the atmosphere that bred Bohemianism and
+developed literature and art, and kept alive the spirit of the
+Forty-niner times, and all that, I made my own allowances. Those who
+mourned for the fire-blasted past may have been right, in a measure.
+Certainly the old-time Chinatown isn't there any more--or, at any rate,
+isn't there in its physical aspects. The rebuilt Chinatown of San
+Francisco, though infinitely larger, isn't so picturesque really or so
+Chinesey looking as New York's Chinatown.
+
+I did not dare to give utterance to this treasonable statement until I
+was well away from San Francisco, but it is true all the same. I cruised
+the shores of the far-famed and much-written-about Barbary Coast; and
+it seemed to me that in its dun-colored tiresomeness and in its
+miserable transparent counterfeit of joy it was up to the general
+metropolitan average--that it was just as tiresome and humdrum as the
+avowedly wicked section of any city always is.
+
+However, I was told that I had arrived just one week too late to see the
+Barbary Coast at its best--meaning by that its worst; for during the
+week before the police, growing virtuous, had put the crusher on the
+dance-halls and the hobble on the tango-twisters. Even the place where
+the turkey trot originated--a place that would naturally be a shrine to
+a New Yorker--was trotless and quiet--in mourning for its firstborn.
+
+The so-called French restaurants, which for years gave an unwholesome
+savor to certain phases of San Francisco life, had likewise been
+sterilized and purified. I wished I might have got there before the
+housecleaning took place; but, even so, I should probably have been
+disappointed. What makes the vice of ancient Babylon seem by contrast
+more seductive to us than the vice of the Bowery is that Babylon is gone
+and the Bowery isn't.
+
+Likewise the night life of San Francisco, of which in times past I had
+read so much, was disillusionizing, because it wasn't visible to the
+naked eye. On this proposition Los Angeles puts it all over San
+Francisco; for this, though, there is an easy explanation. Los Angeles
+boasts what is said to be the completest trolley system in the world;
+undoubtedly it is the noisiest in the world. The tracks seem to run
+through every street; there is a curve at every corner, I think, and a
+switch in the middle of every block. Every thirty seconds or so a car
+comes along, and it always comes at top speed and takes the curve
+without slackening up; and the motorman is always clanging his gong in a
+whole-souled manner that would entitle him to membership in the Swiss
+Bellringers.
+
+Naturally the folks in Los Angeles stay up late--they can't figure on
+doing much sleeping anyhow; but either San Francisco has fewer trolley
+cars to the acre or else the motormen are not quite so musically
+inclined, and people may get to bed at a Christian hour. Most of them do
+it, too, if I am one to judge. At night in San Francisco I didn't see a
+single owl lunch wagon or meet a single beggar. Newsboys were remarkably
+scarce and taxicabs seemed to be few and far between. These things help
+to make any other city; without them San Francisco still manages to be a
+city--another proof of her individuality.
+
+The old romance of the Old San Francisco may be dead and buried--the
+residents unite in saying that it is, and they ought to know; but, even
+so, New San Francisco may well brag today of a greater romance than any
+it ever knew--the romance of achievement. Somebody said not long ago
+that the greatest of all monuments to American pluck was San Francisco
+rebuilt; but if there was pluck in it there was romance too. And there
+is romance, plenty of it, in the exposition these people have planned
+and are now carrying out to commemorate the opening of the Panama
+Canal.
+
+To begin with, citizens of San Francisco and of the state of California
+are paying the whole bill themselves--they did not ask the Federal
+Government to contribute a red cent of the millions being spent and that
+will be spent, and to date the Federal Government has not contributed a
+red cent either. Climatic conditions are in their favor. Other
+expositions have had to contend with hot weather--sometimes with beastly
+hot weather; those other expositions could not open up until well into
+the spring, and they closed perforce with the coming of cold weather in
+the fall. But San Francisco is never very hot and never really cold, and
+California becomes an out-of-door land as soon as the rains end; so this
+fair will be actively and continuously in operation for nine months
+instead of being limited to four or five months as the period of its
+greatest activities.
+
+Then, again, there is another advantage--the exposition grounds are
+situated well within the city; the site is within easy riding distance
+of the civic center and not miles away from the middle of town, as has
+been the case in certain other instances in this country where big
+expositions were held. It is a place admirably devised by Nature for the
+purposes to which it is now being put--a six-hundred-acre tract
+stretching along the water-front, with the Presidio at its farther end,
+the high hills behind it, and in front of it the exquisite panorama of
+the Golden Gate, with emerald islands rising beyond; and Berkeley and
+Oakland just across the way; and on beyond, northward across the
+narrowing portals of the harbor, the big green mountain of Tamalpais,
+rising sheer out of the sea.
+
+Moreover, the president of the exposition and his aides promised that
+the whole thing, down to the minutest detail, would be completed and
+ready months before the date set for opening the gates--which furnishes
+another strikingly novel note in expositions, if their words come true;
+and they declared that, for beauty of conception and harmony of design,
+their exposition of 1915 would surpass any exposition ever seen in this
+country or in any other country. Probably they are right. I know that,
+when I was there, the view from the first rise back of the grounds,
+looking down upon that long flat where men by thousands were toiling,
+and building after building was rising, made a picture sufficiently
+inspiring to warm the enthusiasm and brisken the imagination of any man,
+be he alien or native.
+
+There isn't any doubt, though, that the people of San Francisco are
+going to have their hands full when the exposition visitors begin to
+pile in. By that I do not mean that the housing and feeding
+accommodations and the transit facilities will be deficient; but it is
+going to be a most overpoweringly big job to educate the pilgrims up to
+the point where they will call San Francisco by its full name. All true
+San Franciscans are very touchy on this point--touchy as hedgehogs, they
+are; the prejudice extends to all classes, with the possible exception
+of the Chinese.
+
+I heard a story of a seafaring person, ignorant and newly arrived, who
+drifted into a waterfront saloon, called for a simple glass of beer and
+spoke a few casual words of greeting to the barkeeper--and woke up the
+next morning in the hospital with a very bad headache and a bandage
+round his throbbing brows. It developed that he had three times in rapid
+succession referred to the city as Frisco, and on being warned against
+this practice had inquired:
+
+"Well, wot do you want me to call her--plain Fris?"
+
+That was the last straw. The barkeeper took a bung-starter and felled
+him as flat as a felled seam--and all present agreed that it served him
+right.
+
+An even worse breach of etiquette on the part of the outlander is to
+intimate that an earthquake preceded the great fire. That is positively
+the unforgivable sin! In any quarter of the city you could get many
+subscriptions for a fund to buy something with silver handles on it for
+any man who would insist upon talking of earthquakes. To make my meaning
+clearer, I will state that there are only two objects of general use in
+the civilized world that have silver handles on them, and one of them is
+a loving cup; but this article would not be a loving cup. A native will
+willingly concede that there was a fire, which burned its memories deep
+into the consciousness of the city that recovered from it with such
+splendid courage and such inconceivable rapidity; but by common consent
+there was nothing else. It does not take the stranger long to get this
+point of view, either.
+
+If I were in charge of the publicity work of the San Francisco Fair I
+should advertise two attractions that would surely appeal to all the
+women in this country, and to most of the men. In my press work I would
+dwell at length upon the fact that in this part of California a woman
+may wear any weight and any style of clothes--spring clothes, summer
+clothes, fall clothes or winter clothes--and not only be perfectly
+comfortable while so doing, but be in the fashion besides; and to be in
+the fashion is a thing calculated to make a woman comfortable whether
+she otherwise is or not.
+
+To see a group of four women promenading a San Francisco street on a
+pleasant morning is to be reminded of that ballet representing the Four
+Seasons, which we used to see in the second act of every well-regulated
+extravaganza. The woman nearest the walls has on her furs--it is always
+cool in the shade; the one next to her is wearing the very latest
+wrinkles in spring garniture; the third one, let us say, is dressed in
+the especially becoming frock she bought last October; and the one on
+the outside, where the sun shines the brightest, is as summery in her
+white ducks and her white slippers as though she had just stepped off
+the cover of the August number of a magazine. There is something, too,
+about the salt-laden breezes of San Francisco that gives women wonderful
+complexions; that detail, properly press-agented, ought to fetch the
+entire female population of the United States.
+
+[Illustration: THE WOMAN NEAREST THE WALL HAS ON HER FURS--IT IS ALWAYS
+COOL IN THE SHADE]
+
+For drawing the men, I would exploit the great cardinal fact that
+nowhere in the country--not even in Norfolk or Baltimore or New
+Orleans--can you get better things to eat than in San Francisco. For its
+size, I believe there are more good clubs and more good restaurants
+right there than in any other spot on the habitable globe. Particularly
+in the preparation of the typical dishes of the Coast do the San
+Francisco cooks excel; their cuisine is based on a sane American
+foundation, with a delectable suggestion of the Spanish in it, and
+sometimes with a traceable suggestion of the best there is in the
+Italian and the Chinese schools of cookery.
+
+To one whose taste in oysters has been developed by eating the
+full-chested bi-valve of the Eastern seaboard and the deep-lunged,
+long-bodied product of the Louisiana bayous, the native oyster does not
+greatly appeal. A lot has been written and printed about the California
+oyster, but in my opinion he will always have considerable difficulty in
+living up to his press notices. It takes about a thousand of him to make
+a quart and about a hundred of him to make a taste. Even then he doesn't
+taste much like a real oyster, but more like an infinitesimal scrap of
+sponge where a real oyster camped out overnight once.
+
+There is a dream of a little fish, however, called a sand dab--he is a
+tiny, flounder-shaped titbit hailing from deep water; and for eating
+purposes he is probably the best fish that swims--better even than the
+pompano of the Gulf--and when you say that you are saying about all
+there is to be said for a fish. And the big crabs of the Pacific side
+are the hereditary princes of the crab family. They look like
+spread-eagles; and properly prepared they taste like Heaven. I often
+wonder what the crabsters buy one-half so precious as the stuff they
+sell--which is a quotation from Omar, with original interpolations by
+me. The domestic cheese of the Sierras is not without its attractions
+also, whether you eat it fresh or whether you keep it until its general
+aspect and prevalent atmosphere are such as to satisfy even one of those
+epicurean cheese-eaters who think that no cheese is fit to eat until you
+can't.
+
+Another thing worthy of mention in connection with this California
+school of cookery is that you can pay as little as you please for your
+dinner or as much as you please. There are three standbys of the
+exchange editor that may be counted upon to appear in the newspapers
+about once in so often. One is the hoary-headed and toothless tale
+regarding the artist who was hired to renovate religious paintings in a
+church in Brussels, and turned in an itemized account including such
+entries as--"Correcting the Ten Commandments"; "Restoring the Lost
+Souls"; "Renewing Heaven"; and winding up with "Doing Several Odd Jobs
+for the Damned."
+
+The second of the set comes out of retirement at frequent
+intervals--whenever some trusting soul runs across a time-stained number
+of the Ulster Gazette giving details of the death of George
+Washington--I wonder how many million copies of that venerable
+counterfeit were printed--and writes in to his home editor about it.
+
+And the third, the most popular clipping of the three, concerns the
+prices that used to govern at the mining camps in the days of the early
+gold rush. The story that is most commonly quoted has to do with the
+menu of the El Dorado Hotel, at Placerville, where bean soup was a
+dollar a plate; hash, lowgrade, seventy-five cents; hash,
+eighteen-carat, a dollar--and so on down the list to seventy-five cents
+for two Irish potatoes, peeled.
+
+The cost of living may have gone down subsequently in those parts, but
+it has gone back up again--at certain favored spots. If the Argonauts,
+those hardy adventurers who flung their gold round so regardlessly and
+were not satisfied unless they paid outrageously big prices for
+everything, could come back today they would have no cause to complain
+at the contemptible paucity of the bill after they had dined at any one
+of half a dozen ultra-expensive hotels that are to be found dotted along
+the Coast.
+
+I append herewith a few items selected at random from the price card of
+a fashionable establishment in one of the larger Coast cities: caviar
+impérial d'Astracan, two dollars for a double portion; buffet
+Russe--whatever that is--ninety cents; German asparagus, a single
+helping, one dollar and forty cents; blue-point oysters, fifty cents;
+fifty cents for clams; Gorgonzola cheese, fifty cents a portion; and,
+in a land where peaches and figs grow anywhere and everywhere,
+seventy-five cents for an order of brandied peaches and fifty cents for
+an order of spiced figs. Even seasoned New Yorkers have been known to
+breathe hard on receiving a check for a full meal at certain restaurants
+in Los Angeles and San Francisco.
+
+On the other hand, you can step round any corner in San Francisco and
+walk into that institution which people in other large cities are
+forever seeking and never finding--a table-d'hôte restaurant where a
+perfect meal is to be had at a most moderate price. The best Italian
+restaurant in the world--and I wish to say, after personal experience,
+that Sunny Italy itself is not barred--is a little place on the fringe
+of the Barbary Coast.
+
+There is another place not far away where, for a dollar, you get a
+bottle of good domestic wine and a selection from the following range of
+dishes: Celery, ripe olives, green olives, radishes, onions, lettuce,
+sliced tomatoes, combination salad or crab-meat salad; soup--onion or
+consommé; fish--sole, salmon, bass, sand dabs, mussels or clams;
+entrées--sweetbreads with mushrooms, curry of lamb, calf's tongue, tripe
+with peppers, tagliatini a l'Italienne, or boiled kidney with bacon;
+vegetables--asparagus, string-beans and cauliflower; roast--spring lamb
+with green peas, broiled chicken or broiled pig's feet; dessert--rhubarb
+pie, ice cream and cake, apple sauce, stewed fruits, baked pear or baked
+apple, mixed fruits; cheese of three varieties, and coffee to wind up
+on.
+
+The proprietor doesn't cut out his portions with a pair of buttonhole
+scissors, either, or sauce them with a medicine-dropperful of gravy. He
+gives a big, full, satisfying helping, well cooked and well served.
+There is some romance in the San Francisco cooking, too, if the
+oldtimers who bemourn the old days only realized it.
+
+If this seeming officiousness on the part of a passing wayfarer may be
+excused there is one more suggestion I should like to throw off for the
+benefit of the promoters of the exposition. Living somewhere in
+California is a man who should be looked up before the gates are opened,
+and he should be retained at a salary and staked out in suitable
+quarters as a special and added attraction. He is the most magnificent
+fish-liar in the known world! I do not know his name--he was so busy
+pouring fish stories down a party of us that he didn't take time to stop
+and tell his name--but no great difficulty should be experienced in
+finding him. There is only one of him alive--these world's wonders never
+occur in pairs. That would cheapen them and make them commonplace.
+
+He swam into our ken--if a mixed metaphor may be pardoned--on a train
+leaving Oakland for the East. We were sitting in the club car--half a
+dozen or so of us--when he drifted along. At first look no one would
+have suspected him of being so gifted a creature as he proved himself to
+be. He was a round, short, tub-shaped man, with a button nose, and a
+double chin that ran all the way round and lapped over at the back. But,
+though his appearance was deceiving, anybody could tell with half an
+eye that he excelled in extemporaneous conversation. Right off he began
+shadow-boxing and sparring about, waiting for an opening. In a minute he
+got it.
+
+The tall man with the long face and the stiff white pompadour, who
+looked like a patent toothbrush, gave him his chance. The tall man
+happened to look out of the car window and see in an inlet a fleet of
+beached fishing boats, and he remarked on their picturesqueness. That
+was the cue.
+
+"Speaking of fishing," said the button-nosed man, "I'll tell you people
+something that'll maybe interest you. You may not believe it, either, me
+being a stranger to you; but it's the Gospel truth or I wouldn't be
+sitting here a-telling it. I reckon I've done more fishing in my day and
+more different kinds of fishing than any man alive. I come originally
+from a prime fishing state--Michigan--and I've lived in Colorado and
+Montana and Oregon and all the other good fishing states out West. But,
+take it from me, friends, California is the best fishing state there is.
+Yes, sir; when it comes to fishing, old California lays it over 'em
+all--she takes the rag right off the bush! I'm the one that oughter know
+because I've fished her from end to end and crossways--sea fishing,
+creek fishing, lake fishing and all.
+
+"Down at Catalina they'll tell you, if you ask 'em, that I'm the man
+that ketched the biggest tuna that ever come out of that ocean. It took
+me fourteen hours and forty-five minutes to land him, and during that
+time he towed me and an eighteen-foot boat, and the fellow I had along
+for boatman, over forty-four miles--I measured it afterward to be
+sure--and the friction of the reel spinning round wore my line down till
+it wasn't no thicker in places than a cobweb. But tunas ain't my regular
+specialty--trouts and basses are my special favorites; and up in the
+mountains is where I mostly do my fishing.
+
+"I'm just sort of hanging round now waiting for the snow to move out
+so's I can go up there and start fishing.
+
+"Well, sirs, it's funny, ain't it, the way luck will run fishing? Oncet
+when I was living up there I fished stiddy, day in and day out, for two
+seasons and never got a bite that you could rightly call a bite. And
+then all of a sudden one afternoon the luck switched and in exactly
+forty-five minutes by the watch--by this here very watch I'm carrying
+now in my pocket--I ketched seventy-two of them big old black basses out
+of one hole; and they averaged five pounds apiece!"
+
+We looked at one another silently. A total of seventy-two five-pound
+bass in three-quarters of an hour seemed a little too much to be taken
+as a first dose from a strange practitioner. And it was hard to believe
+they had all been basses; if only for the sake of variety there should
+have been at least one barytone. We felt that we needed time for
+reflection--and digestion.
+
+Evidently realizing this, one of our number undertook to throw himself
+into the breach. As I recollect, this volunteer was the fat coffin
+drummer from Des Moines who had the round, smooth face and the round,
+bald head, and wore the fuzzy green hat with the bow at the back. I
+think he wore the bow there purposely--it simplified matters so when you
+were trying to decide which side of his head his face grew on. He heaved
+a pensive sigh out of his system and remarked upon the clearness of the
+air in these parts.
+
+"You're right there, mister," broke in the button-nosed man, snapping
+him up instantly. "The air is tolerable clear here today; but you
+oughter to see the air up in the mountains! Why, it's so clear up there
+it would make this here hill-country air look like a fog. I remember
+oncet I was browsing along a cliff up in that country, toting my
+fishpole, and I happened to look over the bluff--just so--and down below
+I saw a hole in the creek that was just crawling with them big
+trouts--steel-head trouts and rainbow trouts. I could see the spots on
+their sides and their fins waving, and their gills working up and down.
+
+"I figured out that it was fully a hundred feet down to the water and
+the water would natchelly be tolerable deep; so I let all my line run
+off the reel, a hundred and sixty feet of it; and I fished and fished
+and fished--and didn't get a strike, let alone a nibble. Yet I could
+look over and see all these hungry trouts down below looking up with
+expectant looks in their eyes--I could see their eyes--and jumping round
+regardless; and yet not a bite! So I changed bait--changed from live
+bait to dead bait, and back again to live--and still there wasn't
+nothing doing. So I says to myself: 'Something's wrong, sure! This
+thing'll stand looking into.'
+
+[Illustration: IT'S A GREAT THING OUT THERE TO BE A NATIVE SON]
+
+"So I snoops round and finds a place where there's a sort of a sloping
+place in the bluff; and I braces my pole in a rock and leaves it there;
+and I climbs down--and then I sees what's the matter. It was that there
+clear air that had fooled me! It was three hundred feet if it was an
+inch down from the top of that there bluff to the creek, and the hole
+was fully a hundred feet deep--maybe more; and away down at the plumb
+bottom all them trouts was congregated in a circlelike, looking up
+mighty greedy and longing at my bait, which was a live frog, dangling
+two hundred and forty-odd feet up in the air. But, speaking of clear
+air, that wasn't nothing at all compared to some other things I could
+tell you about. Another time----"
+
+At this point I rose and escaped to the diner. When I got back at the
+end of an hour the other survivors told me that, up to the time he got
+off at Sacramento, the button-nosed man had been getting better and
+better all the time. He certainly ought to be rounded up and put on
+exhibition at the Fair to show those puny and feeble Eastern fish-liars
+what the incomparable Western climate can produce.
+
+I almost forgot to mention San Francisco's chief product--Native Sons. A
+Native Son is one who has acquired special merit by being born in the
+state. You would think credit would be given to the subject's parents,
+where it belongs; but, no--that is not the California way. It's a great
+thing out there to be a Native Son. It counts in politics, and in
+society, and at the clubs.
+
+And, after that, the next best thing is to be a Southerner, either by
+birth or descent. People who have Southern blood in their veins are
+very proud of it and can join a club on the strength of it; and some of
+them do a lot of talking about it. The definition is rather
+elastic--anybody whose ancestors worked on the Southern Pacific is
+eligible, I think.
+
+Of course, there are a lot of real Southerners; but there are a whole
+lot more who--so it seemed to me--are giving remarkably realistic
+imitations of the type known in New York as the Professional Southerner.
+San Francisco excels in Southerners--the regular kind and the self-made
+kind both.
+
+I was out there too early in the year to meet the justly celebrated San
+Francisco flea. He's a Native Son, too; but there isn't so much bragging
+being done on his account.
+
+
+
+
+_LOOKING FOR LO_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Looking for Lo_
+
+
+IF it is your desire to observe the Red Indian of the Plains engaged in
+his tribal sports and pastimes wait for the Wild West Show; there is
+sure to be one coming to your town before the season is over. Or if you
+are bloodthirsty by nature and yearn to see him prancing round upon the
+warpath, destroying the hated paleface and strewing the soil with his
+shredded fragments, restrain your longings until next fall and then
+arrange to take in the football game between Carlisle and Princeton.
+But, whatever you do, do not go journeying into the Far West in the hope
+of finding him in great number upon his native heath, for the chances
+are that you won't find him there in great number; and if you do he will
+probably be a considerable disappointment to you; because, unless he is
+paid for it, the red brother absolutely declines to be picturesque.
+
+I am reliably informed that he is still reasonably numerous in Oklahoma,
+in North and South Dakota, and in Montana and Washington; but my
+itinerary did not include those states. I did not see a live
+Indian--that is to say, a live Indian recognizable as such--in Nevada or
+in Colorado or in Utah, or in a four-hour run across one corner of
+Wyoming.
+
+In upward of a thousand miles of travel through California I saw just
+one Indian--a bronze youth of perhaps twenty summers and, I should say,
+possibly half that many baths. He was wearing the scenario of a pair of
+overalls and a straw hat in an advanced state of decrepitude, and he was
+working in a truckpatch; if a native had not told me what he was I would
+have passed him by for a sunburnt hired hand.
+
+I saw a few Indians in New Mexico and a few more in Arizona, but not a
+great many at that; and these, as I found out later, were mainly engaged
+to linger in the vicinity of stations and hotels along the line for the
+purpose of adding a touch of color to the surroundings and incidentally
+selling souvenirs to the tourists.
+
+Mind you, I'm not saying there are not plenty of Indians in those
+states; but they mostly stay on their reservations and the reservations
+unfortunately are not, as a rule, near the railroad stations. A traveler
+going through the average small Southern town sees practically the
+entire strength of the colored citizenry gathered at the depot and jumps
+at the conclusion that the population is from ninety to ninety-five per
+cent. black. In the West he sees maybe one little Indian settlement in a
+stretch of five or six hundred miles, and he figures that the Indian is
+practically an extinct species.
+
+Of course, though, he is not extinct. In these piping commercial days of
+acute competition he has no time to be gallivanting down to the depot
+every time a through train rolls in, especially as the depot is
+frequently eighty or ninety miles distant from his domicile. He is
+closely confined at home turning out souvenirs. It is a pity, too, that
+he cannot spare more of his time for this simple and inexpensive
+pleasure. In one week's study of the passing tourist breed he could see
+enough funny sights and hear enough funny things--unintentionally funny
+things--to keep his family entertained on many a long winter's evening
+as they sit peacefully in the wigwam making knickknacks for the Eastern
+trade.
+
+[Illustration: EACH NAVAJO SQUAW WEAVES ON AN AVERAGE NINE THOUSAND
+BLANKETS A YEAR]
+
+No, sirree! Those Southwestern tribes are far from being
+extinct--especially the Navajos. You can, in a way, approximate the
+tribal strength of the Navajos by the number of Navajo blankets you see.
+From Colorado to the Coast the Navajo blanket carpets the earth. I'll
+bet any amount within reason that in six weeks' time I saw ten million
+Navajo blankets if I saw one. As for other things--bows and arrows, for
+example--well, I do not wish to exaggerate; but had I bought all the
+wooden bows and arrows that were offered to me I could take them and
+build a rustic footbridge across the Delaware River at Trenton, with a
+neat handrail all the way over. Taking the figures of the last census as
+a working basis I calculate that each Navajo squaw weaves, on an
+average, nine thousand blankets a year; and while she is so engaged her
+husband, the metal worker of the establishment, is producing a couple of
+tons of silver bracelets set with turquoises. For prolixity of output I
+know of no female in the entire animal kingdom that can compare with the
+Navajo squaw--unless it is the lady Potomac shad.
+
+Right here I wish to claim one proud distinction: I went from the
+Atlantic to the Pacific and back again--and I did not buy a single
+blanket! Since the return of the Lewis & Clark expedition I am probably
+the only white person who has ever done this. Goodness knows the call
+was strong enough and the opportunities abundant enough; blankets were
+available for my inspection at every railroad station, at every hotel,
+and at every one of two hundred thousand souvenir stores that I
+encountered--but I was under orders from headquarters.
+
+As we were bidding farewell to our family before starting West, our wife
+said to us in firm, decided accents: "I have already picked out a place
+where we can hide the Cheyenne war-bonnet. We can get rid of the
+moccasins and the stone hatchets and the beadwork breastplates by
+storing them in a trunk up in the attic. But do not bring a Navajo
+blanket back to this already crowded establishment!" So we restrained
+ourselves. But it was a hard struggle and took a heroic effort.
+
+I recall one blanket, done in gray and black and red and white, and
+decorated with the figures of the Thunder Bird and the Swastika, the
+Rising Sun and the Jig Saw, and other Indian signs, symbols and emblems.
+It was with the utmost difficulty that I wrenched myself away from the
+vicinity of this treasure. And then, when I got back home, feeling proud
+as Punch over having withstood temptation in all its forms, almost the
+first words I heard, spoken in tones of deep disappointment, were these:
+"Well, why didn't you bring a Navajo blanket for the den? You know we've
+always wanted one!" Wasn't that just like a woman?
+
+Though I refrained from seeking bargains in the blankets of the
+aborigine, I sought diligently enough for the aborigine himself. I had
+my first glimpse of him in Northern New Mexico just after we had come
+down out of Colorado. Accompanied by his lady, he was languidly reposing
+on the platform in front of a depot, with his wares tastefully arranged
+at his feet. As a concession to the acquired ideals of the Eastern
+visitor he had a red sofa tidy draped round his shoulders, and there was
+a tired-looking hen-feather caught negligently in his back hair; and his
+squaw displayed ornamented leggings below the hems of her simple calico
+walking skirt. But these adornments, I gathered, constituted the calling
+costume, so to speak.
+
+When at home in his village the universal garment of the Pueblo male is
+the black sateen shirt of commerce. He puts it on and wears it until it
+is taken up by absorption, and then it is time to put on another. These
+shirts do not require washing; but, among the best Pueblo families, I
+understand it is customary--once in so often--to have them searched.
+And thus is the wild life of the West kept down.
+
+Farther along the line, in Arizona, we met the Hopi and the
+Navajo--delegations from both of these tribes having been imported from
+the reservations to give an added touch of picturesqueness to the
+principal hotel of the Grand Caņon. The Hopi, who excels at snake
+dancing and pottery work, is a mannerly little chap; and his daughter,
+with her hair done up in elaborate whorl effects in fancied imitation of
+the squash blossom--the squash being the Hopi emblem of purity--is a
+decidedly attractive feature of the landscape.
+
+The Hopi women are industrious little bodies, clever at basket
+weaving--and the men work, too, when not engaged in attending lodge; for
+the Hopis are the ritualists of the Southwest, and every Hopi is a
+confirmed joiner. Their secret societies exist to-day, uncorrupted and
+unchanged, just as they have survived for hundreds and perhaps thousands
+of years. In the Hopi House at Grand Caņon there is a reproduction of a
+kiva or underground temple. It isn't underground--it is located
+upstairs; but in all other regards it is supposed to conform exactly to
+one of the real ceremonial chambers of the Hopis. The dried-mud walls
+are covered thickly with symbolic devices, painted on; and there is an
+altar tricked out with totems of the Powamu clan, one of the biggest of
+these societies.
+
+Just in front of the altar, with its wooden figures of the War God, the
+God of Growing Things, and the God of Thunder, is a sand painting set in
+the floor like a mosaic. When one of the clans is getting ready for a
+service the official high priest or medicine man of that particular clan
+sprinkles clean brown sand upon the flat earth before the altar and upon
+this foundation, by trickling between his thumb and forefinger tiny
+streams of sands of other colors, he makes the mystic figures that he
+worships. After the rites are over he obliterates the design with his
+hand, leaving the space bare for the next clan.
+
+In the Hopi House at Grand Caņon a sand painting sacred to the Antelope
+clan is preserved under glass for the benefit of visitors. The manager
+of the establishment, a Mr. Smith, who has spent most of his life among
+the tribes of Arizona, told us a story about this.
+
+Two years ago this summer, a party of Mystic Shriners on an excursion
+visited the caņon. Mr. Smith chaperoned one group of them on their tour
+through the Hopi House. In the sand painting of the kiva they seemed to
+find something that particularly interested them. They put their heads
+together, talking in undertones and pointing--so Smith said--first at
+one design and then at another. An old Hopi buck, a priest of the
+Antelope clan, was lounging in the low doorway watching them. What the
+Shriners said to one another could have had no significance for him,
+even admitting that he heard them, for he did not understand a word of
+English; but suddenly he reached forth a withered hand and plucked Smith
+by the sleeve. I am letting Smith tell the rest of the tale just as he
+told it to us:
+
+"The Hopi pointed to one of the Shriners, an elderly man who came, I
+think, from somewhere in Illinois, and in his own tongue he said to me:
+'That man with the white hair is a Hopi--and he is a member of my clan!'
+I said to him: 'You speak foolishness--that man comes from the East and
+never until to-day saw a Hopi in his whole life!' The medicine man
+showed more excitement than I ever saw an Indian show.
+
+"'You are lying to me!' he said. 'That white-haired man is a Hopi, or
+else his people long ago were Hopis.' I laughed at him and that ruffled
+his dignity and he turned away, and I couldn't get another word out of
+him.
+
+"As the Shriners were passing out I halted the white-haired man and said
+to him: 'The Hopi medicine man insists that you are a Hopi and that you
+know something about his clan.' 'Well,' he said, 'I'm no Hopi; but I
+think I do know something about some of the things he seems to revere.
+Where is this medicine man?'
+
+"I pointed to where the old Indian was squatted in a corner, sulking; he
+walked right over to him and motioned to him, and the Hopi got up and
+they went into the kiva together. I do not know what passed between
+them--certainly no words passed--but in about ten minutes the Shriner
+came out, and he had a puzzled look on his face.
+
+"'I've just had the most wonderful experience,' he said to me, 'that
+I've ever had in my whole life. Of course that Indian isn't a Mason, but
+in a corrupted form he knows something about Masonry; and where he
+learned it I can't guess. Why, there are lodges in this country where I
+actually believe he could work his way in.'"
+
+Not being either a Mason or a Hopi, I cannot undertake to vouch for the
+story or to contradict it; but Smith has the reputation of being a
+truthful man.
+
+The Navajos are the aristocrats of the Southwestern country. They are
+dignified, cleanly in their personal habits, and orderly; and they are
+wonderful artisans. In addition to being wonderful weavers and excellent
+silversmiths, they shine at agriculture and at stock raising and sheep
+raising. They are born horse-traders, too, and at driving a bargain it
+is said a buck Navajo can spot a Scotchman five balls any time and beat
+him out; but they have the name of being absolutely honest and
+absolutely truthful.
+
+This same Mr. Smith, who has lived several years on the Navajo
+reservation and who is an adopted member of the tribe, took several of
+us to pay a formal call upon a Navajo subchief, who spends the tourist
+season at the Grand Caņon. The old chap, long-haired and the color of a
+prime smoke-cured ham, received us with perfect courtesy into his winter
+residence, the same being a circular hut contrived by overlapping
+timbers together in a kind of basket design and then coating the logs
+inside and out with adobe clay.
+
+The place was clean and free from all unpleasant odors. In the middle of
+the floor a fire burned, the smoke escaping through a hole in the roof.
+At one side was the primitive forge, where the head of the house worked
+in metals; and against the far wall his squaw was hunkered down,
+weaving a blanket on her wooden loom. A couple of his young offspring
+were playing about, dressed simply in their little negligee-strings. The
+mud walls were hung with completed blankets. Long, stringy strips of
+dried beef and mutton--the national dishes of the tribe--were dangling
+from cross-pieces overhead; and on a rug upon the earthen floor lay a
+glittering pile of bracelets and brooches that had been made by the old
+man out of Mexican dollars. When we came away, after spending fifteen
+minutes or so as their guests, the whole family came with us; but the
+old man tarried a minute to fasten a small brass padlock through a hasp
+upon his wattled wooden door.
+
+"Up on the reservation, away from the railroads and the towns, there are
+no locks upon the doors," Smith said.
+
+"Why is that?" I asked.
+
+Smith grinned. "I'll tell the old man what you said and let him answer."
+
+He clucked in guttural monosyllables to the chief, and the chief clucked
+back briefly, meanwhile eyeing me with a whimsical squint out of his
+puckered old eyes. And then Smith translated:
+
+"Why should we lock our doors in the place where we live? There are no
+white men there!"
+
+I will confess that as a representative of the dominant Caucasian stock
+I had, for the moment, no apt reply ready. Later I thought of a very
+fitting retort, which undoubtedly would have flattened that impertinent
+Indian as flat as a flounder; unfortunately, though, it only came to me
+after several days of study, and by that time I was upward of a thousand
+miles away from him. But I am saving it to use on him the next time I go
+back to the Grand Caņon. No mere Indian can slander our race, even if he
+is telling the truth--not while I'm around!
+
+Down in Southern California I rather figured on finding a large swarm of
+Mission Indians clustering about every Mission; but, alas! they weren't
+there, either. We saw a few worshipers and plenty of tourists, but no
+Indians--at least, I didn't see any personally. There is something
+wonderfully impressive about a first trip to any one of those old gray
+churches; everything about it is eloquent with memories of that older
+civilization which this Western country knew long before the Celt and
+the Anglo-Saxon breeds came over the Divide and down the Pacific Slope,
+filled with their lust for gold and lands, craving ever more power and
+more territory over which to float the Stars and Stripes.
+
+The vanished day of the Spaniard now lives only within the walls of the
+early Missions, but it invests them with that added veneration which
+attaches to whatever is old and traditional and historic. We haven't a
+great deal that is very old in our own country; maybe that explains why
+we fuss over it so when we come across it in Europe.
+
+[Illustration: AS SHE LEVELED THE LENS A YELL WENT UP FROM SOMEWHERE]
+
+There is one Mission which in itself, it seemed to me, is almost worth a
+trip clear across the continent to see--the one at Santa Barbara. It is
+up the side of a gentle foothill, with the mountains of the Coast Range
+behind it. Down below the roofs and spires of a brisk little city
+show through green clumpage, and still farther beyond the blue waters of
+the Pacific may be seen.
+
+Parts of this Mission are comparatively new; there are retouchings and
+restorations that date back only sixty or seventy years, but most of it
+speaks to you of an earlier century than this and an earlier race than
+the one that now peoples the land. You pass through walls of solid
+masonry that are sixteen feet thick and pierced by narrow passages; you
+climb winding stairs to a squat tower where sundry cracked brazen bells,
+the gifts of Spanish gentlemen who died a hundred years ago perhaps,
+swing by withes of ancient rawhide from great, worm-gnawed, hand-riven
+beams; you walk through the Mission burying-ground, past crumbly old
+family vaults with half-obliterated names and titles and dates upon
+their ovenlike fronts, and you wander at will among the sunken
+individual graves under the palms and pepper trees.
+
+Most convincing of all to me were the stone-flagged steps at the door of
+the church itself, for they are all worn down like the teeth of an old
+horse--in places they are almost worn in two. Better than any guidebook
+patter of facts and figures--better than the bells and the graves and
+the hand-made beams--these steps convey to the mind a sense of age.
+
+You stand and look at them, and you see there the tally of vanished
+generations--the heavy boot of the conquistador; the sandaled foot of
+the old padre; the high heel of a dainty Spanish-born lady; the bare,
+horny sole of the Indian convert--each of them taking its tiny toll out
+of stone and mortar--each of them wearing away its infinitesimal
+mite--until through years and years the firm stone was scored away and
+channeled out and left at it is now, with curves in it and deep hollows.
+
+Given a dime's worth of imagination to start on, almost any one could
+people that spot with the dead-and-gone figures of that shadowy past;
+could forget the trolley cars curving right up to the walls; the
+electric lights strung in globular festoons along the ancient ceilings
+of the porticoes; the roofs of the new, shiny modern bungalows dotting
+the gentle slopes below--could forget even that the brown-cowled,
+rope-girthed father who served as guide spoke with a strong German
+accent; could almost forgive the impious driver of the rig that brought
+one here for referring to this place as the Mish. But be sure there
+would be one thing to bring you hurtling back again to earth, no matter
+how far aloft your fancy soared--and that would be the ever-present
+souvenir-collecting tourist, to whom no shrine is holy and no memory is
+sacred.
+
+There is no charge for admission to the Mission. All comers, regardless
+of breed or creed, are welcomed; and on constant duty is a gentle-voiced
+priest, ready to lead the way to the inner rooms where priceless relics
+of the day when the Spaniards first came to California are displayed;
+and into the church itself, with its candles burning before the high
+altar and the quaint old holy pictures ranged thick upon the walls; and
+through the burying-ground--and to all the rest of it; and for this
+service there is nothing to pay. On departing the visitor, if he
+chooses, may leave a coin behind; but he doesn't have to--it isn't
+compulsory.
+
+There is a kind of traveler who repays this hospitality by defiling the
+walls with his inconsequential name, scratched in or scrawled on, and by
+toting away as a souvenir whatever portable object he can confiscate
+when nobody is looking. Up in the bell tower the masonry is all defaced
+and pocked where these vandals have dug at it with pocketknives; and as
+we were coming away, one of them--a typical specimen--showed me with
+deep pride half of a brick pouched in his coat pocket. It seemed that
+while the priest's back was turned he had pried it loose from the
+frilled ornamentation of a vault in the burying-ground at the cost only
+of his self-respect--admitting that he had any of that commodity in
+stock--and a broken thumbnail. It was, indeed, a priceless treasure and
+he valued it accordingly. And yet, at a distance of ten feet in an
+ordinary light, no one not in the secret could have said offhand whether
+that half-brick came out of a Mission tomb in California or a
+smokehouse in Arkansas.
+
+We didn't see any Indians when we ran down into Mexico. However, we only
+ran into Mexico for a distance of a mile and a half below the California
+state boundary, and maybe that had something to do with it. By
+automobile we rode from San Diego over to the town of Tia Juana,
+signifying, in our tongue, Aunt Jane. Ramona, heroine of Helen Hunt
+Jackson's famous novel, had an aunt called Jane. I guess they had a
+grudge against the lady; they named this town after her.
+
+Selling souvenirs to tourists, who come daily on sightseeing coaches
+from Coronado Beach and San Diego, is the principal pastime of the
+natives of Tia Juana. Weekdays they do this; and sometimes on a Sunday
+afternoon they have a bullfight in their little bullring. On such an
+occasion the bullfighting outfit is specially imported from one of the
+larger towns farther inland. Sometimes the whole troupe comes from
+Juarez and puts on a regular metropolitan production, with the original
+all-star cast. There is the gallant performer known as the armadilla,
+who teases the bull to desperation by waving a red shawl at him; the no
+less daring parabola, sticking little barbed boleros in the bull's
+withers; and, last of all, the intrepid mantilla, who calmly meets the
+final rush of the infuriated beast and, with one unerring thrust of his
+trusty sword, delivers the porte-cochčre, or fatal stroke, just behind
+the left shoulder-blade, while all about the assembled peons and
+pianolas rend the ambient air with their delighted cry: _"Hoi Polloi!
+Hoi Polloi! Dolce far niente!"_
+
+Isn't it remarkable how readily the seasoned tourist masters the
+difficulties of a foreign language? Before I had been in Mexico an hour
+I had picked up the intricate phraseology of the bullfight; and I was
+glad afterward that I took the trouble to get it all down in my mind
+correctly, because such knowledge always comes in handy. You can use it
+with effect in company--it stamps you as a person of culture and
+travel--and it impresses other people; but then I always could pick up
+foreign languages easily. I do not wish to boast--but with me it amounts
+to a positive gift.
+
+It was a weekday when we visited Tia Juana, and so there was no
+bullfight going on; in fact, there didn't seem to be much of anything
+going on. Once in a while a Spigotty lady would pass, closely followed
+by a couple of little Spigots, and occasionally the postmaster would
+wake up long enough to accept a sheaf of postcards from a tourist and
+then go right back to sleep again. We had sampled the tamales of the
+country, finding them only slightly inferior to the same article as sold
+in Kansas City, Kansas; and we had drifted--three of us--into a Mexican
+café. It was about ten feet square and was hung with chromos furnished
+by generous Milwaukee brewers and other decorations familiar to all who
+have ever visited a crossroads bar-room on our own side of the line.
+Bottled beer appeared to be the one best bet in the drinking line, and
+the safest one, too; but somehow I hated--over here upon the soil of
+another country--to be calling for the domestic brews of our own St.
+Louis! Personally I desired to conform my thirst to the customs of the
+country--only I didn't know what to ask for. I had learned the
+bullfighting language, but I hadn't progressed very far beyond that
+point. While I was deliberating a Mexican came in and said something in
+Spanish to the barkeeper and the barkeeper got a bottle of a clear,
+almost colorless fluid out from under the counter and poured him a
+sherry glassful of it. So then, by means of a gesture that is universal
+and is understood in all climes, I indicated to the barkeeper that I
+would take a little of the same.
+
+The moment, though, that I had swallowed it I realized I had been too
+hasty. It was mescal--an explosive in liquid form that is brewed or
+stilled or steeped, or something, from the juices of a certain variety
+of cactus, according to a favorite family prescription used by Old Nick
+several centuries ago when he was residing in this section. For its size
+and complexion I know of nothing that is worthy to be mentioned in the
+same breath with mescal, unless it is the bald-faced hornet of the Sunny
+South. It goes down easily enough--that is not the trouble--but as soon
+as it gets down you have the sensation of having swallowed a comet.
+
+As I said before, I didn't see any Indians in Old Mexico, but if I had
+taken one more swig of the national beverage I am satisfied that not
+only would I have seen a great number of them, but, with slight
+encouragement, might have been one myself. For the purpose of assuaging
+the human thirst I would say that it is a mistake on the part of a
+novice to drink mescal--he should begin by swallowing a lighted kerosene
+lamp for practice and work up gradually; but the experience was
+illuminating as tending to make me understand why the Mexicans are so
+prone to revolutions. A Mexican takes a drink of mescal before
+breakfast, on an empty stomach, and then he begins to revolute round
+regardless.
+
+On leaving Tia Juana we stopped to view the fort, which was the
+principal attraction of the place. It was located in the outskirts just
+back of the cluster of adobe houses and frame shacks that made up the
+town. The fort proper consisted of a mud wall about three feet high,
+inclosing perhaps half an acre of bare clayey soil. Outside the wall
+was a moat, upward of a foot deep, and inside was a barrack. This
+barrack--I avoid using the plural purposely--was a wooden shanty that
+had been whitewashed once, but had practically recovered from it since;
+and its walls were pierced--for artillery-fire, no doubt--with two
+windows, to the frames of which a few fragments of broken glass still
+adhered. Overhead the flag of the republic was flying; and every
+half-minute, so it seemed to us, a drum would beat and a bugle would
+blow and the garrison would turn out, looking--except for their
+guns--very much like a squad of district-telegraph messengers. They
+would evolute across the parade ground a bit and then retire to quarters
+until the next call to arms should sound.
+
+We could not get close enough to ascertain what all the excitement was
+about, because they would not let us. We were not allowed to venture
+within fifty yards of the outer breastworks, or kneeworks; and even
+then, so the village authorities warned us, we must keep moving. A woman
+camera fiend from Coronado was along, and she unlimbered her favorite
+instrument with the idea of taking a few snapshots of this martial
+scene.
+
+As she leveled the lens a yell went up from somewhere, and out of the
+barrack and over the wall came skipping a little officer, leaving a
+trail of inflammatory Spanish behind him in a way to remind you of the
+fireman cleaning out the firebox of the Through Limited. He was not much
+over five feet tall and his shabby little uniform needed the attention
+of the dry cleanser, but he carried a sword and two pistols, and wore a
+brass gorget at his throat, a pair of huge epaulets and a belt; and he
+had gold braid and brass buttons spangled all over his sleeves and the
+front of his coat, and a pair of jingling spurs were upon his heels.
+There was a long feather in his cap, too--and altogether, for his size,
+he was most impressive to behold. He charged right up to the abashed
+camera lady and, through an interpreter, explained to her that it was
+strictly against the rules to permit a citizen of a foreign power to
+make any pictures of the fortifications whatsoever. He appeared to nurse
+a horrid fear that the secret of the fortifications might become known
+above the line, and that some day, armed with this information, the Boy
+Scouts or a Young Ladies' High School might swoop down and capture the
+whole works. He explained to the lady, that, much as he regretted it, if
+she persisted in her suspicious and spylike conduct, he would have to
+smash her camera for her. So she desisted.
+
+The little officer and his merry men had ample reason for being a mite
+nervous just then. Their country was in the midst of its spring
+revolution. The Madero family had just been thinned out pretty
+extensively, and it was not certain yet whether the Diaz faction or the
+Huerta faction, or some other faction, would come out on top. Besides,
+these gallant guardians of the frontier were a long way from
+headquarters and in no position to figure out in advance which way the
+national cat would jump next. All they knew was that she was jumping.
+
+[Illustration: AS THE OCCUPANTS SPILLED SPRAWLINGLY THROUGH THE GAP, A
+FRONT TIRE EXPLODED WITH A LOUD REPORT]
+
+Every morning, so we heard, they were taking a vote to decide whether
+they would be Federalists that day or Liberalists, or what not; and the
+vote was invested with a good deal of personal interest, too, because
+there was no telling when a superior force might arrive from the
+interior; and if they had happened to vote wrong that day there was
+always the prospect of their being backed up against a wall, with
+nothing to look at except a firing squad and a row of newmade graves.
+
+We were told that one morning, about three or four weeks before the date
+of our visit, the garrison had been in the barrack casting their usual
+ballot. They were strong Huertaists that morning--it was Viva Huerta!
+all the way. Just about the time the vote was being announced a couple
+of visiting Americans in an automobile came down the road flanking the
+fort. There had been a rain and the road was slippery with red mud. As
+the driver took the turn at the corner his wheels began skidding and he
+lost control. The car skewed off at a tangent, hurdled the moat, and
+tore a hole in the mud wall; and, as the occupants spilled sprawlingly
+through the gap, a front tire exploded with a loud report. The garrison
+took just one look out the front door, jumped to the conclusion that the
+Villa crowd had arrived and were shooting automobiles at them, and
+unanimously adjourned by the back way into the woods. Some of them did
+not get back until the shades of night had descended upon the troubled
+land.
+
+Such is military life in our sister republic in times of war, and yet
+they sometimes have a very realistic imitation of the real thing over
+there. Revolution before last there were two separate engagements in
+this little town of Tia Juana. A lot of belligerents were killed and a
+good many more were wounded.
+
+In an iron letter box in front of the post-office we saw a round hole
+where a steel-jacketed bullet had passed through after first passing
+through a prominent citizen. We did not see this citizen. It became
+necessary to bury him shortly after the occurrence referred to.
+
+In vain I sought the red brother on my saunterings through California.
+In San Francisco I once thought I had him treed. On Pacific Street, a
+block ahead of me, I saw a group of pedestrians, wrapped in loose
+flowing garments of many colors. Even at that distance I could make out
+that they were dark-skinned and had long black hair. I said to myself:
+"It is probable that these persons are connected with Doctor Somebody's
+Medicine Show; but I don't care if they are. They are Indians--more
+Indians than I have seen in one crowd at one time since Buffalo Bill was
+at Madison Square Garden last spring. I shall look them over."
+
+So I ran and caught up with them--but they were not Indians. They were
+genuine Egyptian acrobats, connected with a traveling carnival company.
+When Moses transmitted the divine command to the Children of Israel that
+they should spoil the Egyptians, the Children of Israel certainly did a
+mighty thorough job of it. That was several thousand years ago and those
+Egyptians I saw were still spoiled. I noticed it as soon as I got close
+to them.
+
+In Salt Lake City I saw half a dozen Indians, but in a preserved form
+only. They were on display in a museum devoted to relics of the early
+days. In my opinion Indians do not make very good preserves, especially
+when they have been in stock a long time and have become shopworn, as
+was the case with these goods. Personally, I would not care to invest.
+Besides, there was no telling how old they were. They had been dug out,
+mummified, from the cliff-dwellers' ruins in the southern part of the
+state, along with their household goods, their domestic utensils, their
+weapons of war and their ornaments; and there they were laid out in
+glass cases for modern eyes to see. There were plenty of other
+interesting exhibits in this museum, including several of Brigham
+Young's suits of clothes. For a man busied with statecraft and military
+affairs and domestic matters, Brigham Young must have changed clothes
+pretty often. I couldn't keep from wondering how a man with a family
+like his was found the time for it.
+
+To my mind the most interesting relic in the whole collection was the
+spry octogenarian who acted as guide and showed us through the
+place--for he was one of the few living links between the Old West and
+the New. As a boy-convert to Mormonism he came across the desert with
+the second expedition that fled westward from Gentile persecution after
+Brigham Young had blazed the trail. He was a pony express rider in the
+days of the overland mail service. He was also an Indian fighter--one of
+the trophies he showed was a scalp of his own raising practically, he
+having been present when it was raised by a friendly Indian scout from
+the head of the hostile who originally owned it--and he had lived in
+Salt Lake City when it was a collection of log shanties within the walls
+of a wooden stockade. And now here he was, a man away up in his
+eighties, but still brisk and bright, piloting tourists about the upper
+floor of a modern skyscraper.
+
+We visited the museum after we had inspected the Mormon Tabernacle and
+had looked at the Mormon Temple--from the outside--and had seen the
+Beehive and the Lion House and the Eagle Gate and the painfully ornate
+mansion where Brigham Young kept his favorite wife, Amelia. The
+Tabernacle is famous the world over for its choir, its organ and its
+acoustics--particularly its acoustics. The guide, who is a Mormon elder
+detailed for that purpose, escorts you into the balcony, away up under
+the domed wooden roof; and as you wait there, listening, another elder,
+standing upon a platform two hundred feet away, drops an ordinary pin
+upon the floor--and you can distinctly hear it fall. At first you are
+puzzled to decide exactly what it sounds like; but after a while the
+correct solution comes to you--it sounds exactly like a pin falling.
+Next to the Whispering Gallery in the Capitol at Washington, I don't
+know of a worse place to tell your secrets to a friend than the Mormon
+Tabernacle. You might as well tell them to a woman and be done with it!
+
+In Salt Lake City I had rather counted upon seeing a Mormon out walking
+with three or four of his wives--all at one time. I felt that this would
+be a distinct novelty to a person from New York, where the only show
+one enjoys along this line is the sight of a chap walking with three or
+four other men's wives--one at a time. But here, as in my quest for the
+Indian, I was disappointed some more. Once I thought I was about to
+score. I was standing in front of the Zion Coöperative Mercantile
+Establishment, which is a big department store owned by the Church, but
+having all the latest improvements, including bargain counters and
+special salesdays. Out of the door came an elderly gentleman attired in
+much broadcloth and many whiskers, and behind him trailed half a dozen
+soberly dressed women of assorted ages.
+
+Filled with hope, I fell in behind the procession and followed it across
+to the hotel. There I learned the disappointing truth. The broadclothed
+person was not a Mormon at all.
+
+He was a country bank president from somewhere back East and the women
+of his party were Ohio school-teachers. Anywhere except in Utah I doubt
+if he could have fooled me, either, for he had the kind of whiskers
+that go with the banking profession. For some reason whiskers are
+associated with the practice of banking all over this country; hallowed
+by custom, they have come to stand for financial responsibility. A New
+York banker wears those little jib-boom whiskers on the sides of his
+head and sometimes a pennon on his chin, whereas a country banker
+usually has a full-rigged face. This man's whiskers were of the old
+square barkentine cut. I should have known who he was by his sailing
+gear.
+
+And so, disappointed in my dreams of seeing Indians on the hoof and
+Mormon households taking the air in family groups, I left Salt Lake
+City, with its fine wide streets and its handsome business district and
+its pure air and its background of snow-topped mountains, and started on
+the long homebound hike. It was late in the afternoon. We had quit Utah,
+with its flat plains, its garden spots reclaimed from the desert, and
+its endless succession of trim red-brick farmhouses, which seem to be
+the universal dwelling-places of the prosperous Mormon farmer.
+
+We had departed from the old trail that Mark Twain crawled over in a
+stage-coach and afterward wrote about in his immortal Roughing It. The
+Limited, traveling forty-odd miles an hour, was skipping through the
+lower part of Wyoming before turning southward into Colorado. We were in
+the midst of an expanse of desolation and emptiness, fifteen miles from
+anywhere, and I was sitting on the observation platform of the rear car,
+watching how the shafts of the setting sun made the colors shift and
+deepen in the caņons and upon the sides of the tall red mesas, when I
+became aware that the train was slowing down.
+
+Through the car came the conductor, with a happy expression upon his
+face. Behind him was a pleased-looking flagman leading by the arm a
+ragged tramp who had been caught, up forward somewhere, stealing a free
+ride.
+
+The tramp was not resisting exactly, but at every step he said:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations! It's the law that you
+can't put me off the train between stations!"
+
+Neither the conductor nor the flagman said a word in answer. As the
+conductor reached up and jerked the bellcord the tramp, in the tone and
+manner of one who advances an absolutely unanswerable argument, said:
+
+"You know, don't you, you can't put me off the train between stations?"
+
+The train halted. The conductor unfastened a tail-gate in the
+guard-rail, and the flagman dropped his prisoner out through the
+opening. As the tramp flopped off into space I caught this remark:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations."
+
+The conductor tugged another signal on the bellcord, and the wheels
+began to turn faster and faster. The tramp picked himself up from
+between the rails. He brushed some adhering particles of roadbed off
+himself and, facing us, made a megaphone of his hands and sent a message
+after our diminishing shapes. By straining my ears I caught his words.
+He spoke as follows:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations!"
+
+In my whole life I never saw a man who was so hard to convince of a
+thing as that tramp was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Minor spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation errors have been corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
+
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+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Roughing It De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb.
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Roughing it De Luxe
+
+Author: Irvin S. Cobb
+
+Illustrator: John T. McCutcheon
+
+Release Date: October 6, 2006 [EBook #19479]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT DE LUXE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Melissa Er-Raqabi and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1>Roughing It De Luxe</h1>
+<h2>By Irvin S. Cobb</h2>
+
+
+<p><a name="frontispiece" id="frontispiece"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/frontispiece.png"
+alt="BY COMMON CONSENT WE HAD NAMED THEM CLARENCE AND CLARICE"
+title="BY COMMON CONSENT WE HAD NAMED THEM CLARENCE AND CLARICE" /><br />
+<span class="caption">BY COMMON CONSENT WE HAD NAMED THEM CLARENCE AND CLARICE</span>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+<h1><i>Roughing It De Luxe</i><br />
+<i>By</i><br />
+<i>Irvin S. Cobb</i></h1>
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>Author of "Back Home,"</i><br />
+<i>"The Escape of Mr. Trimm," "Cobb's Anatomy,"</i><br />
+<i>"Cobb's Bill of Fare," etc.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon</i></p>
+
+<p><a name="mark" id="mark"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/mark.png"
+alt="mark" title="mark" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="center"><i>New York</i><br />
+<i>George H. Doran Company</i><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1913,</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">By The Curtis Publishing Company</span></p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1914,</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">By George H. Doran Company</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">To George H. Doran, Esq.</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">My Friend and Still My Publisher;</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">My Publisher and Still</span><br />
+<span class="smcap">My Friend</span></p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h3><i>THE TIME TABLE</i></h3>
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Time Table">
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='right'><span class="smcap">page</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap"><a href="#A_PILGRIM_CANONIZED">A Pilgrim Canonized</a></span></td><td align='right'>15</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap"><a href="#RABID_AND_HIS_FRIENDS">Rabid and His Friends</a></span></td><td align='right'>55</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap"><a href="#HOW_DO_YOU_LIKE">How Do You Like the Climate?</a></span></td><td align='right'>97</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap"><a href="#IN_THE_HAUNT_OF_THE">In the Haunt of the Native Son</a></span></td><td align='right'>135</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap"><a href="#LOOKING_FOR_LO">Looking for Lo</a></span></td><td align='right'>175</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ILLUSTRATIONS" id="ILLUSTRATIONS"></a>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+
+<div class='center'>
+<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Illustrations">
+<tr><td align='left'></td><td align='right'><span class="smcap">page</span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#frontispiece">By common consent we had named them Clarence and Clarice</a></td><td align='right'>Frontispiece</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p21">Evidently he believed the conspiracy against him was widespread</a></td><td align='right'>21</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p35">There was not a turkey trotter in the bunch</a></td><td align='right'>35</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p61">He'd garner in some fellows that wasn't sheep-herders</a></td><td align='right'>61</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p73">Because a man has a soul is no reason he shouldn't have an appetite</a></td><td align='right'>73</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p87">He was a regular moving picture cowboy and gave general satisfaction</a></td><td align='right'>87</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p101">The boy who sells you a paper and the youth who blackens your shoes both show solicitude</a></td><td align='right'>101</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p115">Out from under a rock somewhere will crawl a real estate agent</a></td><td align='right'>115</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p127">He felt that he was properly dressed for the time, the place and the occasion</a></td><td align='right'>127</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p143">Even the place where the turkey trot originated was trotless and quiet</a></td><td align='right'>143<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p155">The woman nearest the wall has on her furs&mdash;it is always cool in the shade</a></td><td align='right'>155</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p169">It's a great thing out there to be a native son</a></td><td align='right'>169</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p179">Each Navajo squaw weaves on an average nine thousand blankets a year</a></td><td align='right'>179</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p193">As she leveled the lens a yell went up from somewhere</a></td><td align='right'>193</td></tr>
+<tr><td align='left'><a href="#illustration_p207">As the occupants spilled sprawlingly through the gap, a front tire exploded with a loud report</a></td><td align='right'>207</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="A_PILGRIM_CANONIZED" id="A_PILGRIM_CANONIZED"></a><i>A PILGRIM CANONIZED</i></h2>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p13" id="illustration_p13"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p13.png"
+alt="p13" title="p13" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+<h3><i>A Pilgrim Canonized</i></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> is generally conceded that the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on of Arizona beggars description.
+I shall therefore endeavor to refrain
+from doing so. I realize that this is going
+to be a considerable contract. Nearly everybody,
+on taking a first look at the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on, comes right out and admits its wonders
+are absolutely indescribable&mdash;and then
+proceeds to write anywhere from two thousand
+to fifty thousand words, giving the full
+details. Speaking personally, I wish to say
+that I do not know anybody who has yet
+succeeded in getting away with the job.</p>
+
+<p>In the old days when he was doing the
+literature for the Barnum show, Tody
+Hamilton would have made the best nominee
+I can think of. Remember, don't you,
+how when Tody started in to write about
+the elephant quadrille you had to turn over<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>
+to the next page to find the verb? And
+almost any one of those young fellows who
+write advertising folders for the railroads
+would gladly tackle the assignment; in
+fact, some of them already have&mdash;but not
+with any tumultuous success.</p>
+
+<p>In the presence of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on,
+language just simply fails you and all the
+parts of speech go dead lame. When the
+Creator made it He failed to make a word
+to cover it. To that extent the thing is
+incomplete. If ever I run across a person
+who can put down on paper what the
+Grand Ca&ntilde;on looks like, that party will
+be my choice to do the story when the
+Crack of Doom occurs. I can close my
+eyes now and see the headlines: Judgment
+Day a Complete Success! Replete with
+Incident and Abounding in Surprises&mdash;Many
+Wealthy Families Disappointed&mdash;Full
+Particulars from our Special Correspondent
+on the Spot!</p>
+
+<p>Starting out from Chicago on the Santa
+F&eacute;, we had a full trainload. We came from
+everywhere: from peaceful New England
+towns full of elm trees and oldline Republicans;
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+from the Middle States; and from the
+land of chewing tobacco, prominent Adam's
+apples and hot biscuits&mdash;down where the
+r is silent, as in No'th Ca'lina. And all of
+us&mdash;Northerners, Southerners, Easterners
+alike&mdash;were actuated by a common purpose&mdash;we
+were going West to see the country
+and rough it&mdash;rough it on overland trains
+better equipped and more luxurious than
+any to be found in the East; rough it at
+ten-dollar-a-day hotels; rough it by touring
+car over the most magnificent automobile
+roads to be found on this continent.
+We were a daring lot and resolute; each
+and every one of us was brave and blithe
+to endure the privations that such an expedition
+must inevitably entail. Let the
+worst come; we were prepared! If there
+wasn't any of the hothouse lamb, with
+imported green peas, left, we'd worry along
+on a little bit of the fresh shad roe, and
+a few conservatory cucumbers on the side.
+That's the kind of hardy adventurers we
+were!</p>
+
+<p>Conspicuous among us was a distinguished
+surgeon of Chicago; in fact, so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>
+distinguished that he has had a very rare
+and expensive disease named for him,
+which is as distinguished as a physician
+ever gets to be in this country. Abroad
+he would be decorated or knighted. Here
+we name something painful after him and
+it seems to fill the bill just as well. This
+surgeon was very distinguished and also
+very exclusive. After you scaled down
+from him, riding in solitary splendor in his
+drawing room, with kitbags full of symptoms
+and diagnoses scattered round, we
+became a mixed tourist outfit. I would
+not want to say that any of the persons
+on our train were impossible, because that
+sounds snobbish; but I will say this&mdash;some
+of them were highly improbable.</p>
+
+<p>There was the bride, who put on her
+automobile goggles and her automobile
+veil as soon as we pulled out of the Chicago
+yards and never took them off again&mdash;except
+possibly when sleeping. I presume
+she wanted to show the rest of us
+that she was accustomed to traveling at a
+high rate of speed. If the bridegroom had
+only bethought him to carry one of those<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+siren horns under his arm, and had tooted
+it whenever we went around a curve, the
+illusion would have been complete.</p>
+
+<p>There was also the middle-aged lady
+with the camera habit. Any time the train
+stopped, or any time it behaved as though
+it thought of stopping, out on the platform
+would pop this lady, armed with her little
+accordion-plaited camera, with the lens focused
+and the little atomizer bulb dangling
+down, all ready to take a few pictures.
+She snapshotted watertanks, whistling posts,
+lunch stands, section houses, grade crossings
+and holes in the snowshed&mdash;also scenery,
+people and climate. A two-by-four photograph
+of a mountain that's a mile high
+must be a most splendid reminder of the
+beauties of Nature to take home with you
+from a trip.</p>
+
+<p>There was the conversational youth in the
+Norfolk jacket, who was going out West
+to fill an important vacancy in a large
+business house&mdash;he told us so himself. It
+was a good selection, too. If I had a vacancy
+that I wanted filled in such a way
+that other people would think the vacancy<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>
+was still there, this youth would have been
+my candidate.</p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p21" id="illustration_p21"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p21.png"
+alt="EVIDENTLY HE BELIEVED THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WAS WIDESPREAD"
+title="Illustration: EVIDENTLY HE BELIEVED THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WAS WIDESPREAD" /><br />
+<span class="caption">EVIDENTLY HE BELIEVED THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WAS WIDESPREAD</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>And finally there was the corn-doctor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>
+from a town somewhere in Indiana, who
+had the upper berth in Number Ten. It
+seemed to take a load off his mind, on the
+second morning out, when he learned that
+he would not have to spend the day up
+there, but could come down and mingle
+with the rest of us on a common footing;
+but right up to the finish of the journey
+he was uncertain on one or two other
+points. Every time a conductor came
+through&mdash;Pullman conductor, train conductor
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>
+or dining-car conductor&mdash;he would
+hail him and ask him this question: "Do
+I or do I not have to change at Williams
+for the Grand Ca&ntilde;on?" The conductor&mdash;whichever
+conductor it was&mdash;always said,
+Yes, he would have to change at Williams.
+But he kept asking them&mdash;he seemed to
+regard a conductor as a functionary who
+would deliberately go out of his way to
+mislead a passenger in regard to an important
+matter of this kind. After a while
+the conductors took to hiding out from him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>
+and then he began cross-examining the
+porters, and the smoking-room attendant,
+and the baggageman, and the flagmen, and
+the passengers who got aboard down the
+line in Colorado and New Mexico.</p>
+
+<p>At breakfast in the dining car you would
+hear his plaintive, patient voice lifted.
+"Yes, waiter," he would say; "fry 'em on
+both sides, please. And say, waiter, do
+you know for sure whether we change at
+Williams for the Grand Ca&ntilde;on?" He put
+a world of entreaty into it; evidently he
+believed the conspiracy against him was
+widespread. At Albuquerque I saw him
+leading off on one side a Pueblo Indian who
+was peddling bows and arrows, and heard
+him ask the Indian, as man to man, if he
+would have to change at Williams for the
+Grand Ca&ntilde;on.</p>
+
+<p>When he was not worrying about changing
+at Williams he showed anxiety upon
+the subject of the proper clothes to be
+worn while looking at the Grand Ca&ntilde;on.
+Among others he asked me about it. I
+could not help him. I had decided to
+drop in just as I was, and then to be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>
+governed by circumstances as they might
+arise; but he was not organized that way.
+On the morning of the last day, as we
+rolled up through the pine barrens of
+Northern Arizona toward our destination,
+those of us who had risen early became
+aware of a terrific struggle going on behind
+the shrouding draperies of that upper
+berth of his. Convulsive spasms agitated
+the green curtains. Muffled swear words
+uttered in a low but fervent tone filtered
+down to us. Every few seconds a leg or
+an arm or a head, or the butt-end of a
+suitcase, or the bulge of a valise, would
+show through the curtains for a moment,
+only to be abruptly snatched back.</p>
+
+<p>Speculation concerning the causes of
+these strange manifestations ran&mdash;as the
+novelists say&mdash;rife. Some thought that,
+overcome with disappointment by the discovery
+that we had changed at Williams
+in the middle of the night, without his
+knowing anything about it, he was having
+a fit all alone up there. Presently the excitement
+abated; and then, after having
+first lowered his baggage, our friend de<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>scended
+to the aisle and the mystery was
+explained. He had solved the question of
+what to wear while gazing at the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on. He was dressed in a new golf
+suit, complete&mdash;from the dinky cap to the
+Scotch plaid stockings. If ever that man
+visits Niagara, I should dearly love to be
+on hand to see him when he comes out to
+view the Falls, wearing his bathing suit.</p>
+
+<p>Some of us aboard that train did not
+seem to care deeply for the desert; the cactus
+possibly disappointed others; and the
+mesquit failed to give general satisfaction,
+though at a conservative estimate we passed
+through nine million miles of it. A few
+of the delegates from the Eastern seaboard
+appeared to be irked by the tribal dancing
+of the Hopi Indians, for there was not a
+turkey-trotter in the bunch, the Indian settlements
+of Arizona being the only terpsichorean
+centers in this country to which
+the Young Turk movement had not penetrated
+yet. Some objected to the plains
+because they were so flat and plainlike, and
+some to the mountains because of their exceedingly
+mountainous aspect; but on one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+point we all agreed&mdash;on the uniform excellence
+of the dining-car service.</p>
+
+<p>It is a powerfully hard thing for a man
+to project his personality across the grave.
+In making their wills and providing for
+the carrying on of their pet enterprises a
+number of our richest men have endeavored
+from time to time to disprove this;
+but, to date, the percentage of successes has
+not been large. So far as most of us are
+concerned the burden of proof shows that
+in this regard we are one with the famous
+little dog whose name was Rover&mdash;when
+we die, we die all over. Every big success
+represents the personality of a living man;
+rarely ever does it represent the personality
+of a dead man.</p>
+
+<p>The original Fred Harvey is dead&mdash;has
+been dead, in fact, for several years; but
+his spirit goes marching on across the
+southwestern half of this country. Two
+thousand miles from salt water, the oysters
+that are served on his dining cars do not
+seem to be suffering from car-sickness.
+And you can get a beefsteak measuring
+eighteen inches from tip to tip. There are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>
+spring chickens with the most magnificent
+bust development I ever saw outside of a
+burlesque show; and the eggs taste as
+though they might have originated with a
+hen instead of a cold-storage vault. If
+there was only a cabaret show going up
+and down the middle of the car during
+meals, even the New York passengers
+would be satisfied with the service, I think.</p>
+
+<p>There is another detail of the Harvey
+system that makes you wonder. Out on
+the desert, in a dead-gray expanse of silence
+and sagebrush, your train halts at a
+junction point that you never even heard
+of before. There is not much to be seen&mdash;a
+depot, a 'dobe cabin or so, a few
+frame shacks, a few natives, a few Indians
+and a few incurably languid Mexicans&mdash;and
+that is positively all there is except
+that, right out there in the middle of nowhere,
+stands a hotel big enough and handsome
+enough for Chicago or New York,
+built in the Spanish style, with wide patios
+and pergolas&mdash;where a hundred persons
+might perg at one time&mdash;and gay-striped
+awnings. It is flanked by flower-beds and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>
+refreshingly green strips of lawn, with
+spouting fountains scattered about.</p>
+
+<p>You go inside to a big, spotlessly bright
+dining room and get as good a meal as you
+can get anywhere on earth&mdash;and served in
+as good style, too. To the man fresh from
+the East, such an establishment reminds
+him vividly of the hurry-up railroad lunch
+places to which he has been accustomed
+back home&mdash;places where the doughnuts
+are dornicks and the pickles are fossils,
+and the hard-boiled egg got up out of a
+sick bed to be there, and on the pallid
+yellow surface of the official pie a couple
+of hundred flies are enacting Custard's
+Last Stand. It reminds him of them because
+it is so different. Between Kansas
+City and the Coast there are a dozen or
+more of these hotels scattered along the
+line.</p>
+
+<p>And so, with real food to stay you and
+one of Tuskegee's bright, straw-colored
+graduates to minister to your wants in the
+sleeper, you come on the morning of the
+third day to the Grand Ca&ntilde;on in northern
+Arizona; you take one look&mdash;and instantly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>
+you lose all your former standards of comparison.
+You stand there gazing down
+the raw, red gullet of that great gosh-awful
+gorge, and you feel your self-importance
+shriveling up to nothing inside of
+you. You haven't an adjective left to your
+back. It makes you realize what the sensations
+would be of one little microbe lost
+inside of Barnum's fat lady.</p>
+
+<p>I think my preconceived conception of
+the Ca&ntilde;on was the same conception most
+people have before they come to see it for
+themselves&mdash;a straight up-and-down slit in
+the earth, fabulously steep and fabulously
+deep; nevertheless merely a slit. It is no
+such thing.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine, if you can, a monster of a
+hollow approximately some hundreds of
+miles long and a mile deep, and anywhere
+from ten to sixteen miles wide, with a
+mountain range&mdash;the most wonderful
+mountain range in the world&mdash;planted in
+it; so that, viewing the spectacle from
+above, you get the illusion of being in a
+stationary airship, anchored up among the
+clouds; imagine these mountain peaks&mdash;hundreds<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>
+upon hundreds of them&mdash;rising
+one behind the other, stretching away in
+endless, serried rank until the eye swims
+and the mind staggers at the task of trying
+to count them; imagine them splashed and
+splattered over with all the earthly colors
+you ever saw and a lot of unearthly colors
+you never saw before; imagine them carved
+and fretted and scrolled into all shapes&mdash;tabernacles,
+pyramids, battleships, obelisks,
+Moorish palaces&mdash;the Moorish suggestion
+is especially pronounced both in colorings
+and in shapes&mdash;monuments, minarets, temples,
+turrets, castles, spires, domes, tents,
+tepees, wigwams, shafts.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine other ravines opening from the
+main one, all nuzzling their mouths in her
+flanks like so many sucking pigs; for there
+are hundreds of these lesser ca&ntilde;ons, and
+any one of them would be a marvel were
+they not dwarfed into relative puniness by
+the mother of the litter. Imagine walls
+that rise sheer and awful as the Wrath of
+God, and at their base holes where you
+might hide all the Seven Wonders of the
+Olden World and never know they were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>
+there&mdash;or miss them either. Imagine a
+trail that winds like a snake and climbs
+like a goat and soars like a bird, and finally
+bores like a worm and is gone.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine a great cloud-shadow cruising
+along from point to point, growing smaller
+and smaller still, until it seems no more
+than a shifting purple bruise upon the
+cheek of a mountain, and then, as you
+watch it, losing itself in a tiny rift which
+at that distance looks like a wrinkle in the
+seamed face of an old squaw, but which
+is probably a huge gash gored into the
+solid rock for a thousand feet of depth and
+more than a thousand feet of width.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine, way down there at the bottom,
+a stream visible only at certain favored
+points because of the mighty intervening
+ribs and chines of rock&mdash;a stream that appears
+to you as a torpidly crawling yellow
+worm, its wrinkling back spangled with
+tarnished white specks, but which is really
+a wide, deep, brawling, rushing river&mdash;the
+Colorado&mdash;full of torrents and rapids; and
+those white specks you see are the tops of
+enormous rocks in its bed.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Imagine&mdash;if it be winter&mdash;snowdrifts
+above, with desert flowers blooming alongside
+the drifts, and down below great
+stretches of green verdure; imagine two
+or three separate snowstorms visibly raging
+at different points, with clear, bright
+stretches of distance intervening between
+them, and nearer maybe a splendid rainbow
+arching downward into the great
+void; for these meteorological three-ring
+circuses are not uncommon at certain
+seasons.</p>
+
+<p>Imagine all this spread out beneath the
+unflawed turquoise of the Arizona sky and
+washed in the liquid gold of the Arizona
+sunshine&mdash;and if you imagine hard enough
+and keep it up long enough you may begin,
+in the course of eight or ten years,
+to have a faint, a very faint and shadowy
+conception of this spot where the shamed
+scheme of creation is turned upside down
+and the very womb of the world is laid
+bare before our impious eyes. Then go to
+Arizona and see it all for yourself, and you
+will realize what an entirely inadequate
+and deficient thing the human imagination
+is.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It is customary for the newly arrived
+visitor to take a ride along the edge of the
+ca&ntilde;on&mdash;the rim-drive, it is called&mdash;with
+stops at Hopi Point and Mohave Point and
+Pima Point, and other points where the
+views are supposed to be particularly good.
+To do this you get into a smart coach drawn
+by horses and driven by a competent young
+man in a khaki uniform. Leaving behind
+you a clutter of hotel buildings and station
+buildings, bungalows and tents, you go
+winding away through a Government forest
+reserve containing much fine standing
+timber and plenty more that is not so fine,
+it being mainly stunted pi&ntilde;on and gnarly
+desert growths.</p>
+
+<p>Presently the road, which is a fine, wide,
+macadamized road, skirts out of the trees
+and threads along the ca&ntilde;on until it comes
+to a rocky flange that juts far over. You
+climb out there and, instinctively treading
+lightly on your tiptoes and breathing in
+syncopated breaths, you steal across the
+ledge, going slowly and carefully until you
+pause finally upon the very eyelashes of
+eternity and look down into that great
+inverted muffin-mold of a ca&ntilde;on.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>You are at the absolute jumping-off
+place. There is nothing between you and
+the undertaker except six-thousand feet,
+more or less, of dazzling Arizona climate.
+Below you, beyond you, stretching both
+ways from you, lie those buried mountains,
+the eternal herds of the Lord's cattlefold;
+there are scars upon their sides, like the
+marks of a mighty branding iron, and in
+the distance, viewed through the vapor-waves
+of melting snow, their sides seem to
+heave up and down like the flanks of panting
+cattle. Half a mile under you, straight
+as a man can spit, are gardens of willows
+and grasses and flowers, looking like tiny
+green patches, and the tents of a camp
+looking like scattered playing cards; and
+there is a plateau down there that appears
+to be as flat as your hand and is seemingly
+no larger, but actually is of a size sufficient
+for the evolutions of a brigade of cavalry.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p35" id="illustration_p35"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p35.png"
+alt="THERE WAS NOT A TURKEY TROTTER IN THE BUNCH"
+title="THERE WAS NOT A TURKEY TROTTER IN THE BUNCH" /><br />
+<span class="caption">THERE WAS NOT A TURKEY TROTTER IN THE BUNCH</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When you have had your fill of this the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+guide takes you and leads you&mdash;you still
+stepping lightly to avoid starting anything&mdash;to
+a spot from which he points out to
+you, riven into the face of a vast perpendicular<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>
+chasm above a cave like a monstrous
+door, a tremendous and perfect figure
+seven&mdash;the house number of the Almighty
+Himself. By this I mean no irreverence.
+If ever Jehovah chose an earthly
+abiding-place, surely this place of awful,
+unutterable majesty would be it. You
+move a few yards farther along and instantly
+the seven is gone&mdash;the shift of shadow
+upon the rock wall has wiped it out
+and obliterated it&mdash;but you do not mourn
+the loss, because there are still upward of
+a million things for you to look at.</p>
+
+<p>And then, if you have timed wisely the
+hour of your coming, the sun pretty soon
+goes down; and as it sinks lower and lower
+out of titanic crannies come the thickening
+shades, making new plays and tricks of
+painted colors upon the walls&mdash;purples and
+reds and golds and blues, ambers and umbers
+and opals and ochres, yellows and tans
+and tawnys and browns&mdash;and the ca&ntilde;on
+fills to its very brim with the silence of
+oncoming night.</p>
+
+<p>You stand there, stricken dumb, your
+whole being dwarfed yet transfigured; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>
+in the glory of that moment you can even
+forget the gabble of the lady tourist alongside
+of you who, after searching her soul
+for the right words, comes right out and
+gives the Grand Ca&ntilde;on her cordial indorsement.
+She pronounces it to be just
+perfectly lovely! But I said at the outset
+I was not going to undertake to describe
+the Grand Ca&ntilde;on&mdash;and I'm not. These
+few remarks were practically jolted out of
+me and should not be made to count in the
+total score.</p>
+
+<p>Having seen the ca&ntilde;on&mdash;or a little bit of
+it&mdash;from the top, the next thing to do is to
+go down into it and view it from the sides
+and the bottom. Most of the visitors follow
+the Bright Angel Trail which is handily
+near by and has an assuring name.
+There are only two ways to do the inside
+of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on&mdash;afoot and on mule-back.
+El Tovar hotel provides the necessary
+regalia, if you have not come prepared&mdash;divided
+skirts for the women and leggings
+for the men, a mule apiece and a guide to
+every party of six or eight.</p>
+
+<p>At the start there is always a lot of ner<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>vous
+chatter&mdash;airy persiflage flies to and
+fro and much laughing is indulged in.
+But it has a forced, strained sound, that
+laughter has; it does not come from the
+heart, the heart being otherwise engaged
+for the moment. Down a winding footpath
+moves the procession, with the guide in
+front, and behind him in single file his
+string of pilgrims&mdash;all as nervous as cats
+and some holding to their saddle-pommels
+with death-grips. Just under the first terrace
+a halt is made while the official photographer
+takes a picture; and when you
+get back he has your finished copy ready
+for you, so you can see for yourself just
+how pale and haggard and wall-eyed and
+how much like a typhoid patient you
+looked.</p>
+
+<p>The parade moves on. All at once you
+notice that the person immediately ahead
+of you has apparently ridden right over the
+wall of the ca&ntilde;on. A moment ago his
+arched back loomed before you; now he
+is utterly gone. It is at this point that
+some tourists tender their resignations&mdash;to
+take effect immediately. To the credit of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>
+the sex, be it said, the statistics show that
+fewer women quit here than men. But
+nearly always there is some man who remembers
+where he left his umbrella or
+something, and he goes back after it and
+forgets to return.</p>
+
+<p>In our crowd there was one person who
+left us here. He was a circular person;
+about forty per cent of him, I should say,
+rhymed with jelly. He climbed right down
+off his mule. He said:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not scared myself, you understand,
+but I've just recalled that my wife is a nervous
+woman. She'd have a fit if she knew I
+was taking this trip! I love my wife, and
+for her sake I will not go down this ca&ntilde;on,
+dearly as I would love to." And with
+that he headed for the hotel. I wanted to
+go with him. I wanted to go along with
+him and comfort him and help him have
+his chill, and if necessary send a telegram
+for him to his wife&mdash;she was in Pittsburgh&mdash;telling
+her that all was well. But I did
+not. I kept on. I have been trying to
+figure out ever since whether this showed
+courage on my part, or cowardice.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Over the ridge and down the steep declivity
+beyond goes your mule, slipping a
+little. He is reared back until his rump
+almost brushes the trail; he grunts mild
+protests at every lurching step and grips
+his shoecalks into the half-frozen path.
+You reflect that thousands of persons have
+already done this thing; that thousands of
+others&mdash;men, women and children&mdash;are going
+to do it, and that no serious accident
+has yet occurred&mdash;which is some comfort,
+but not much. The thought comes to you
+that, after all, it is a very bright and beautiful
+world you are leaving behind. You
+turn your head to give it a long, lingering
+farewell, and you try to put your mind
+on something cheerful&mdash;such as your life
+insurance. Then something happens.</p>
+
+<p>The trail, that has been slanting at a
+downward angle which is a trifle steeper
+than a ship's ladder, but not quite so steep
+perhaps as a board fence, takes an abrupt
+turn to the right. You duck your head
+and go through a little tunnel in the rock,
+patterned on the same general design of the
+needle's eye that is going to give so many<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>
+of our prominent captains of industry trouble
+in the hereafter. And as you emerge
+on the lower side you forget all about your
+life-insurance papers and freeze to your
+pommel with both hands, and cram your
+poor cold feet into the stirrups&mdash;even in
+warm weather they'll be good and cold&mdash;and
+all your vital organs come up in your
+throat, where you can taste them. If anybody
+had shot me through the middle just
+about then he would have inflicted only
+a flesh wound.</p>
+
+<p>You have come out on a place where the
+trail clings to the sheer side of the dizziest,
+deepest chasm in the known world. One
+of your legs is scraping against the everlasting
+granite; the other is dangling over
+half a mile of fresh mountain air. The
+mule's off hind hoof grates and grinds on
+the flinty trail, dislodging a fair-sized stone
+that flops over the verge. You try to look
+down and see where it is going and find
+you haven't the nerve to do it&mdash;but you
+can hear it falling from one narrow ledge
+to another, picking up other boulders as it
+goes until there must be a fair-sized little<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>
+avalanche of them cascading down. The
+sound of their roaring, racketing passage
+grows fainter and fainter, then dies almost
+out, and then there rises up to you from
+those unutterable depths a dull, thuddy
+little sound&mdash;those stones have reached the
+cellar! Then to you there comes the pleasing
+reflection that if your mule slipped
+and you fell off and were dashed to fragments,
+they would not be large, mussy,
+irregular fragments, but little teeny-weeny
+fragments, such as would not bring the
+blush of modesty to the cheek of the most
+fastidious.</p>
+
+<p>Only your mule never slips off! It is
+contrary to a mule's religion and politics,
+and all his traditions and precedents, to
+slip off. He may slide a little and stumble
+once in a while, and he may, with malice
+aforethought, try to scrape you off against
+the outjutting shoulders of the trail; but he
+positively will not slip off. It is not because
+he is interested in you. A tourist on
+the ca&ntilde;on's rim a simple tourist is to him
+and nothing more; but he has no intention
+of getting himself hurt. Instinct has taught<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>
+that mule it would be to him a highly
+painful experience to fall a couple of thousand
+feet or so and light on a pile of rocks;
+and therefore, through motives that are
+purely selfish, he studiously refrains from
+so doing. When the Prophet of old wrote,
+"How beautiful upon the mountains are
+the feet of him," and so on, I judge he
+had reference to a mule on a narrow trail.</p>
+
+<p>My mule had one very disconcerting
+way about him&mdash;or, rather, about her, for
+she was of the gentler sex. When she came
+to a particularly scary spot, which was
+every minute or so, she would stop dead
+still. I concurred in that part of it heartily.
+But then she would face outward and
+crane her neck over the fathomless void
+of that bottomless pit, and for a space of
+moments would gaze steadily downward,
+with a despondent droop of her fiddle-shaped
+head and a suicidal gleam in her
+mournful eyes. It worried me no little;
+and if I had known, at the time, that she
+had a German name it would have worried
+me even more, I guess. But either the
+time was not ripe for the rash act or else<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+she abhorred the thought of being found
+dead in the company of a mere tourist, so
+she did not leap off into space, but restrained
+herself; and I was very grateful
+to her for it. It made a bond of sympathy
+between us.</p>
+
+<p>On you go, winding on down past the
+red limestone and the yellow limestone
+and the blue sandstone, which is green
+generally; past huge bat caves and the
+big nests of pack-rats, tucked under shelves
+of Nature's making; past stratified millions
+of crumbling seashells that tell to
+geologists the tale of the salt-water ocean
+that once on a time, when the world was
+young and callow, filled this hole brim
+full; and presently, when you have begun
+to piece together the tattered fringes of
+your nerves, you realize that the ca&ntilde;on is
+even more wonderful when viewed from
+within than it is when viewed from without.
+Also, you begin to notice now that it
+is most extensively autographed.</p>
+
+<p>Apparently about every other person
+who came this way remarked to himself
+that this ca&ntilde;on was practically completed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+and only needed his signature as collaborator
+to round it out&mdash;so he signed it and
+after that it was a finished job. Some of
+them brought down colored chalk and stencils,
+and marking pots, and paints and
+brushes, and cold chisels to work with,
+which must have been a lot of trouble, but
+was worth it&mdash;it does add so greatly to the
+beauty of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on to find it spangled
+over with such names as you could
+hear paged in almost any dollar-a-day
+American-plan hotel. The guide pointed
+out a spot where one of these inspired
+authors climbed high up the face of a
+white cliff and, clinging there, carved out
+in letters a foot long his name; and it
+was one of those names that, inscribed
+upon a register, would instinctively cause
+any room clerk to reach for the key to an
+inside one, without bath. I regret to state
+that nothing happened to this person. He
+got down safe and sound; it was a great
+pity, too.</p>
+
+<p>By the Bright Angel Trail it is three
+hours on a mule to the plateau, where there
+are green summery things growing even in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+midwinter, and where the temperature is
+almost sultry; and it is an hour or so more
+to the riverbed, down at the very bottom.
+When you finally arrive there and look up
+you do not see how you ever got down, for
+the trail has magically disappeared; and
+you feel morally sure you are never going
+to get back. If your mule were not under
+you pensively craning his head rearward in
+an effort to bite your leg off, you would
+almost be ready to swear the whole thing
+was an optical illusion, a wondrous dream.
+Under these circumstances it is not so
+strange that some travelers who have been
+game enough until now suddenly weaken.
+Their nerves capsize and the grit runs out
+of them like sand out of an overturned
+pail.</p>
+
+<p>All over this part of Arizona they tell
+you the story of the lady from the southern
+part of the state&mdash;she was a school teacher
+and the story has become an epic&mdash;who
+went down Bright Angel one morning and
+did not get back until two o'clock the following
+morning; and then she came against
+her will in a litter borne by two tired<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>
+guides, while two others walked beside her
+and held her hands; and she was protesting
+at every step that she positively could
+not and would not go another inch; and
+she was as hysterical as a treeful of chickadees;
+her hat was lost, and her glasses
+were gone, and her hair hung down her
+back, and altogether she was a mournful
+sight to see.</p>
+
+<p>Likewise the natives will tell you the
+tale of a man who made the trip by crawling
+round the more sensational corners
+upon his hands and knees; and when he
+got down he took one look up to where, a
+sheer mile above him, the rim of the ca&ntilde;on
+showed, with the tall pine trees along its
+edge looking like the hairs upon a caterpillar's
+back, and he announced firmly that
+he wished he might choke if he stirred
+another step. Through the miraculous indulgence
+of a merciful providence he was
+down, and that was sufficient for him; he
+wasn't going to trifle with his luck. He
+would stay down until he felt good and
+rested, and then he would return to his
+home in dear old Altoona by some other<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>
+route. He was very positive about it.
+There were two guides along, both of them
+patient and forbearing cowpunchers, and
+they argued with him. They pointed that
+there was only one suitable way for him
+to get out of the ca&ntilde;on, and that was the
+way by which he had got into it.</p>
+
+<p>"The trouble with you fellows," said the
+man, "is that you are too dad-blamed technical.
+The point is that I'm here, and
+here I'm going to stay."</p>
+
+<p>"But," they told him, "you can't stay
+here. You'd starve to death like that poor
+devil that some prospectors found in that
+gulch yonder&mdash;turned to dusty bones, with
+a pack rat's nest in his chest and a rock
+under his head. You'd just naturally
+starve to death."</p>
+
+<p>"There you go again," he said, "importing
+these trivial foreign matters into the
+discussion. Let us confine ourselves to the
+main issue, which is that I am not going
+back. This rock shall fly from its firm
+base as soon as I," he said, or words to that
+effect.</p>
+
+<p>So insisting, he sat down, putting his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>
+own firm base against the said rock, and
+prepared to become a permanent resident.
+He was a grown man and the guides were
+less gentle with him than they had been
+with the lady school teacher. They roped
+his arms at the elbows and hoisted him
+upon a mule and tied his legs together
+under the mule's belly, and they brought
+him out of there like a sack of bran&mdash;only
+he made more noise than any sack of bran
+has ever been known to make.</p>
+
+<p>Coming back up out of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on
+is an even more inspiring and amazing
+performance than going down. But by
+now&mdash;anyhow this was my experience, and
+they tell me it is the common experience&mdash;you
+are beginning to get used to the
+sensation of skirting along the raw and
+ragged verge of nothing. Narrow turns
+where, going down, your hair pushed your
+hat off, no longer affright you; you take
+them jauntily&mdash;almost debonairly. You
+feel that you are now an old mountain-scaler,
+and your soul begins to crave for a
+trip with a few more thrills to the square
+inch in it. You get your wish. You go<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>
+down Hermit Trail, which its middle
+name is thrills; and there you make the
+acquaintance of the Hydrophobic Skunk.</p>
+
+<p>The Hydrophobic Skunk is a creature of
+such surpassing accomplishments and vivid
+personality that I feel he is entitled to a
+new chapter. The Hydrophobic Skunk
+will be continued in our next.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="RABID_AND_HIS_FRIENDS" id="RABID_AND_HIS_FRIENDS"></a><i>RABID AND HIS FRIENDS</i></h2>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p53" id="illustration_p53"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p53.png"
+alt="p53" title="p53" />
+
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><i>Rabid and His Friends</i></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Hydrophobic Skunk resides at
+the extreme bottom of the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on and, next to a Southern Republican
+who never asked for a Federal
+office, is the rarest of living creatures. He
+is so rare that nobody ever saw him&mdash;that
+is, nobody except a native. I met plenty
+of tourists who had seen people who had
+seen him, but never a tourist who had seen
+him with his own eyes. In addition to
+being rare, he is highly gifted.</p>
+
+<p>I think almost anybody will agree with
+me that the common, ordinary skunk has
+been most richly dowered by Nature. To
+adorn a skunk with any extra qualifications
+seems as great a waste of the raw material
+as painting the lily or gilding refined gold.
+He is already amply equipped for outdoor
+pursuits. Nobody intentionally shoves him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+round; everybody gives him as much room
+as he seems to need. He commands respect&mdash;nay,
+more than that, respect and veneration&mdash;wherever
+he goes. Joy-riders never
+run him down and foot passengers avoid
+crowding him into a corner. You would
+think Nature had done amply well by the
+skunk; but no&mdash;the Hydrophobic Skunk
+comes along and upsets all these calculations.
+Besides carrying the traveling credentials
+of an ordinary skunk, he is rabid
+in the most rabidissimus form. He is not
+mad just part of the time, like one's relatives
+by marriage&mdash;and not mad most of
+the time, like the old-fashioned railroad
+ticket agent&mdash;but mad all the time&mdash;incurably,
+enthusiastically and unanimously mad!
+He is mad and he is glad of it.</p>
+
+<p>We made the acquaintance of the Hydrophobic
+Skunk when we rode down Hermit
+Trail. The casual visitor to the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on first of all takes the rim drive; then
+he essays Bright Angel Trail, which is
+sufficiently scary for his purposes until he
+gets used to it; and after that he grows
+more adventurous and tackles Hermit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+Trail, which is a marvel of corkscrew convolutions,
+gimleting its way down this red
+abdominal wound of a ca&ntilde;on to the very
+gizzard of the world.</p>
+
+<p>Alongside the Hermit, traveling the
+Bright Angel is the same as gathering the
+myrtles with Mary; but the civil engineers
+who worked out the scheme of the Hermit
+and made it wide and navigable for ordinary
+folks were bright young men. They
+laid a wall along its outer side all the
+way from the top to the bottom. Now
+this wall is made of loose stones racked
+up together without cement, and it is nowhere
+more than a foot or a foot and a half
+high. If your mule ever slipped&mdash;which
+he never does&mdash;or if you rolled off on your
+own hook&mdash;which has not happened to date&mdash;that
+puny little wall would hardly stop
+you&mdash;might not even cause you to hesitate.
+But some way, intervening between you
+and a thousand feet or so of uninterrupted
+fresh air, it gives a tremendous sense of
+security. Life is largely a state of mind,
+anyhow, I reckon.</p>
+
+<p>As a necessary preliminary to going<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+down Hermit Trail you take a buckboard
+ride of ten miles&mdash;ten wonderful miles!
+Almost immediately the road quits the
+rocky, bare parapet of the gorge and winds
+off through the noble, big forest that is a
+part of the Government reserve. Jays that
+are twice as large and three times as vocal
+as the Eastern variety weave blue threads
+in the green background of the pines; and
+if there is snow upon the ground its billowy
+white surface is crossed and criss-crossed
+with the dainty tracks of coyotes,
+and sometimes with the broad, furry marks
+of the wildcat's pads. The air is a blessing
+and the sunshine is a benediction.</p>
+
+<p>Away off yonder, through a break in the
+conifers, you see one lone and lofty peak
+with a cap of snow upon its top. The
+snow fills the deeper ravines that furrow
+its side downward from the summit so that
+at this distance it looks as though it were
+clutched in a vast white owl's claw; and
+generally there is a wispy cloud caught on
+it like a white shirt on a poor man's Monday
+washpole. Or, huddled together in a
+nest formation like so many speckled eggs,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+you see the clutch of little mottled mountains
+for which nobody seems to have a
+name. If these mountains were in Scotland,
+Sir Walter Scott and Bobby Burns
+would have written about them and they
+would be world-famous, and tourists from
+America would come and climb their
+slopes, and stand upon their tops, and sop
+up romance through all their pores. But
+being in Arizona, dwarfed by the heaven-reaching
+ranges and groups that wall them
+in north, south and west, they have not
+even a Christian name to answer to.</p>
+
+<p>Anon&mdash;that is to say, at the end of those
+ten miles&mdash;you come to the head of Hermit
+Trail. There you leave your buckboard
+at a way station and mount your
+mule. Presently you are crawling downward,
+like a fly on a board fence, into the
+depths of the chasm. You pass through
+rapidly succeeding graduations of geology,
+verdure, scenery and temperature. You
+ride past little sunken gardens full of wild
+flowers and stunty fir trees, like bits of Old
+Japan; you climb naked red slopes crowned
+with the tall cactus, like Old Mexico; you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>
+skirt bald, bare, blistered vistas of desolation,
+like Old Perdition. You cross
+Horsethief's Trail, which was first traced
+out by the moccasined feet of marauding
+Apaches and later was used by white outlaws
+fleeing northward with their stolen
+pony herds.</p>
+
+<p>You pass above the gloomy shadows of
+Blythe's Abyss and wind beneath a great
+box-shaped formation of red sandstone set
+on a spindle rock and balancing there in
+dizzy space like Mohammed's coffin; and
+then, at the end of a mile-long jog along
+a natural terrace stretching itself midway
+between Heaven and the other place, you
+come to the residence of Shorty, the official
+hermit of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on.</p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p61" id="illustration_p61"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p61.png"
+alt="HE&#39;D GARNER IN SOME FELLOWS THAT WASN&#39;T SHEEPHERDERS"
+title="HE&#39;D GARNER IN SOME FELLOWS THAT WASN&#39;T SHEEPHERDERS" /><br />
+<span class="caption">HE&#39;D GARNER IN SOME FELLOWS THAT WASN&#39;T SHEEPHERDERS</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span><br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>
+</p><p>Shorty is a little, gentle old man, with
+warped legs and mild blue eyes and a set
+of whiskers of such indeterminate aspect
+that you cannot tell at first look whether
+they are just coming out or just going back
+in. He belongs&mdash;or did belong&mdash;to the
+vast vanishing race of oldtime gold prospectors.
+Halfway down the trail he does
+light housekeeping under an accommodating<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+flat ledge that pouts out over the pathway
+like a snuffdipper's under lip. He has
+a hole in the rock for his chimney, a
+breadth of weathered gray canvas for his
+door and an eighty-mile stretch of the most
+marvelous panorama on earth for his front
+yard. He minds the trail and watches out
+for the big boulders that sometimes fall in
+the night; and, except in the tourist season,
+he leads a reasonably quiet existence.</p>
+
+<p>Alongside of Shorty, Robinson Crusoe
+was a tenement-dweller, and Jonah, weekending
+in the whale, had a perfectly uproarious
+time; but Shorty thrives on a
+solitude that is too vast for imagining. He
+would not trade jobs with the most potted
+potentate alive&mdash;only sometimes in mid-summer
+he feels the need of a change
+stealing over him, and then he goes afoot
+out into the middle of Death Valley and
+spends a happy vacation of five or six
+weeks with the Gila monsters and the heat.
+He takes Toby with him.</p>
+
+<p>Toby is a gentlemanly little woolly dog
+built close to the earth like a carpet sweeper,
+with legs patterned crookedly&mdash;after<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+the model of his master's. Toby has one
+settled prejudice: he dislikes Indians. You
+have only to whisper the word "Injun" and
+instantly Toby is off, scuttling away to the
+highest point that is handy. From there
+he peers all round looking for red invaders.
+Not finding any he comes slowly back,
+crushed to the earth with disappointment.
+Nobody has ever been able to decide what
+Toby would do with the Indians if he
+found them; but he and Shorty are in perfect
+accord. They have been associated
+together ever since Toby was a pup and
+Shorty went into the hermit business, and
+that was ten years ago. Sitting cross-legged
+on a flat rock like a little gnome,
+with his puckered eyes squinting off at
+space, Shorty told us how once upon a time
+he came near losing Toby.</p>
+
+<p>"Me and Toby," he said, "was over to
+Flagstaff, and that was several years
+ago. There was a saloon man over there
+owned a bulldog and he wanted that his
+bulldog and Toby should fight. Toby can
+lick mighty nigh any dog alive; but I
+didn't want that Toby should fight. But<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+this here saloon man wouldn't listen. He
+sicked his bulldog on to Toby and in about
+a minute Toby was taking that bulldog all
+apart.</p>
+
+<p>"This here saloon man he got mad then&mdash;he
+got awful mad. He wanted to kill
+Toby and he pulled out his pistol. I
+begged him mighty hard please not to
+shoot Toby&mdash;I did so! I stood in front
+of Toby to protect him and I begged that
+man not to do it. Then some other fellows
+made him put up his gun, and me and
+Toby came on away from there." His
+voice trailed off. "I certainly would 'a'
+hated to lose Toby. We set a heap of store
+by one another&mdash;don't we, dog?" And
+Toby testified that it was so&mdash;testified with
+wriggling body and licking tongue and
+dancing eyes and a madly wagging stump
+tail.</p>
+
+<p>As we mounted and jogged away we
+looked back, and the pair of them&mdash;Shorty
+and Toby&mdash;were sitting there side by side
+in perfect harmony and perfect content;
+and I could not help wondering, in a country
+where we sometimes hang a man for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>
+killing a man, what would have been adequate
+punishment for a brute who would
+kill Toby and leave Shorty without his
+partner! In another minute, though, we
+had rounded a jagged sandstone shoulder
+and they were out of sight.</p>
+
+<p>About that time Johnny, our guide, felt
+moved to speech, and we hearkened to his
+words and hungered for more, for Johnny
+knows the ranges of the Northwest as a
+city dweller knows his own little side street.
+In the fall of the year Johnny comes down
+to the Ca&ntilde;on and serves as a guide a while;
+and then, when he gets so he just can't
+stand associating with tourists any longer,
+he packs his warbags and journeys back
+to the Northern Range and enjoys the
+company of cows a spell. Cows are not
+exactly exciting, but they don't ask fool
+questions.</p>
+
+<p>A highly competent young person is
+Johnny and a cowpuncher of parts. Most
+of the Ca&ntilde;on guides are cowpunchers&mdash;accomplished
+ones, too, and of high standing
+in the profession. With a touch of reverence
+Johnny pointed out to us Sam Sco<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>vel,
+the greatest bronco buster of his time,
+now engaged in piloting tourists.</p>
+
+<p>"Can he ride?" echoed Johnny in answer
+to our question. "Scovel could ride
+an earthquake if she stood still long enough
+for him to mount! He rode Steamboat&mdash;not
+Young Steamboat, but Old Steamboat!
+He rode Rocking Chair, and he's the only
+man that ever did do that and not be called
+on in a couple of days to attend his own
+funeral."</p>
+
+<p>This day he told us about one Tom, who
+lived up in Wyoming, where Johnny came
+from. It appeared that in an easier day
+Tom was hired by some cattle men to thin
+out the sheep herders who insisted upon invading
+the public ranges. By Johnny's
+account Tom did the thinning with conscientious
+attention to detail and gave general
+satisfaction for a while; but eventually
+he grew careless in his methods and took to
+killing parties who were under the protection
+of the game laws. Likewise his own
+private collection of yearlings began to increase
+with a rapidity which was only to be
+accounted for on the theory that a large<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>
+number of calves were coming into the
+world with Tom's brand for a birthmark.
+So he lost popularity. Several times his
+funeral was privily arranged, but on each
+occasion was postponed owing to the failure
+of the corpse to be present. Finally he
+killed a young boy and was caught and
+convicted, and one morning they took him
+out and hanged him rather extensively.</p>
+
+<p>"Tom was mighty methodical," said
+Johnny. "He got five hundred a head for
+killing sheep herders&mdash;that was the regular
+tariff. Every time he bumped one off
+he'd put a stone under his head, which
+was his private mark&mdash;a kind of a duebill,
+as you might say. And when they'd find
+that dead herder with the rock under his
+head they'd know there was another five
+hundred comin' to Tom on the books; they
+always paid it, too. Once in a while,
+though, he'd cut loose in a saloon and garner
+in some fellows that wasn't sheep herders.
+There was quite a number that
+thought Tom acted kind of ungentlemanly
+when he was drinkin'."</p>
+
+<p>We went on and on at a lazy mule-trot,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>
+hearing the unwritten annals of the range
+from one who had seen them enacted at
+first hand. Pretty soon we passed a herd
+of burros with mealy, dusty noses and
+spotty hides, feeding on prickly pears and
+rock lichens; and just before sunset we slid
+down the last declivity out upon the plateau
+and came to a camp as was a camp!</p>
+
+<p>This was roughing it de luxe with a
+most de-luxey vengeance! Here were three
+tents, or rather three canvas houses, with
+wooden half-walls; and they were spick-and-span
+inside and out, and had glass
+windows in them and doors and matched
+wooden floors. The one that was a bedroom
+had gay Navajo blankets on the floor,
+and a stove in it, and a little bureau, and
+a washstand with white towels and good
+lathery soap. And there were two beds&mdash;not
+cots or bunks, but regular beds&mdash;with
+wire springs and mattresses and white
+sheets and pillowslips. They were not veteran
+sheets and vintage pillowslips either,
+but clean and spotless ones. The mess tent
+was provided with a table with a clean
+cloth to go over it, and there were china<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>
+dishes and china cups and shiny knives,
+forks and spoons. Every scrap of this
+equipment had been brought down from
+the top on burro packs. The Grand Ca&ntilde;on
+is scenically artistic, but it is a non-producing
+district. And outside there was a
+corral for the mules; a canvas storehouse;
+hitching stakes for the burros; a Dutch
+oven, and a little forge where the guides
+sometimes shoe a mule. They aren't blacksmiths;
+they merely have to be. Bill was
+in charge of the camp&mdash;a dark, rangy,
+good-looking young leading man of a cowboy,
+wearing his blue shirt and his red
+neckerchief with an air. He spoke with
+the soft Texas drawl and in his way was as
+competent as Johnny.</p>
+
+<p>The sun, which had been winking farewells
+to us over the rim above, dropped
+out of sight as suddenly as though it had
+fallen into a well. From the bottom the
+shadows went slanting along the glooming
+walls of the gorges, swallowing up the yellow
+patches of sunlight that still lingered
+near the top like blacksnakes swallowing
+eggs. Every second the colors shifted and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>
+changed; what had been blue a moment
+before was now purple and in another
+minute would be a velvety black. A little
+lost ghost of an echo stole out of a hole
+and went straying up and down, feebly
+mocking our remarks and making them
+sound cheap and tawdry.</p>
+
+<p>Then the new moon showed as a silver
+fish, balancing on its tail and arching itself
+like a hooked skipjack. In a purpling sky
+the stars popped out like pinpricks and the
+peace that passes all understanding came
+over us. I wish to take advantage of this
+opportunity to say that, in my opinion,
+David Belasco has never done anything in
+the way of scenic effects to beat a moonrise
+in the Grand Ca&ntilde;on.</p>
+
+<p>I reckon we might have been there until
+now&mdash;my companion and I&mdash;soaking
+our souls in the unutterable beauty of that
+place, only just about that time we smelled
+something frying. There was also a most
+delectable sputtering sound as of fat meat
+turning over on a hot skillet; but just the
+smell alone was a square meal for a poor
+family. The meeting adjourned by ac<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>clamation.
+Just because a man has a soul
+is no reason he shouldn't have an appetite.</p>
+
+<p>That Johnny certainly could cook!
+Served on china dishes upon a cloth-covered
+table, we had mounds of fried steaks
+and shoals of fried bacon; and a bushel,
+more or less, of sheepherder potatoes; and
+green peas and sliced peaches out of cans;
+and sourdough biscuits as light as kisses
+and much more filling; and fresh butter
+and fresh milk; and coffee as black as your
+hat and strong as sin. How easy it is for
+civilized man to become primitive and
+comfortable in his way of eating, especially
+if he has just ridden ten miles on a buckboard
+and nine more on a mule and is
+away down at the bottom of the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on&mdash;and there is nobody to look on
+disapprovingly when he takes a bite that
+would be a credit to a steam shovel!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p73" id="illustration_p73"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p73.png"
+alt="BECAUSE A MAN HAS A SOUL IS NO REASON HE SHOULDN&#39;T HAVE AN APPETITE"
+title="BECAUSE A MAN HAS A SOUL IS NO REASON HE SHOULDN&#39;T HAVE AN APPETITE" /><br />
+<span class="caption">BECAUSE A MAN HAS A SOUL IS NO REASON HE SHOULDN&#39;T HAVE AN APPETITE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Despite all reports to the contrary, I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>
+wish to state that it is no trouble at all to
+eat green peas off a knifeblade&mdash;you
+merely mix them in with potatoes for a cement;
+and fried steak&mdash;take it from an old
+steak-eater&mdash;tastes best when eaten with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>
+those tools of Nature's own providing,
+both hands and your teeth. An hour passed&mdash;busy,
+yet pleasant&mdash;and we were both
+gorged to the gills and had reared back
+with our cigars lit to enjoy a third jorum
+of black coffee apiece, when Johnny, speaking
+in an offhand way to Bill, who was
+still hiding away biscuits inside of himself
+like a parlor prestidigitator, said:</p>
+
+<p>"Seen any of them old hydrophobies the
+last day or two?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not so many," said Bill casually.
+"There was a couple out last night pirootin'
+round in the moonlight. I reckon,
+though, there'll be quite a flock of 'em out
+tonight. A new moon always seems to
+fetch 'em up from the river."</p>
+
+<p>Both of us quit blowing on our coffee
+and we put the cups down. I think I was
+the one who spoke.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon," I asked, "but what
+did you say would be out tonight?"</p>
+
+<p>"We were just speakin' to one another
+about them Hydrophoby Skunks," said
+Bill apologetically. "This here Ca&ntilde;on is
+where they mostly hang out and frolic
+'round."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I laid down my cigar, too. I admit I
+was interested.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" I said softly&mdash;like that. "Is it?
+Do they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Johnny. "I reckin there's
+liable to be one come shovin' his old nose
+into that door any minute. Or probably
+two&mdash;they mostly travels in pairs&mdash;sets, as
+you might say."</p>
+
+<p>"You'd know one the minute you saw
+him, though," said Bill. "They're smaller
+than a regular skunk and spotted where
+the other kind is striped. And they got little
+red eyes. You won't have no trouble at
+all recognizin' one."</p>
+
+<p>It was at this juncture that we both got
+up and moved back by the stove. It was
+warmer there and the chill of evening
+seemed to be settling down noticeably.</p>
+
+<p>"Funny thing about Hydrophoby
+Skunks," went on Johnny after a moment
+of pensive thought&mdash;"mad, you know!"</p>
+
+<p>"What makes them mad?" The two of
+us asked the question together.</p>
+
+<p>"Born that way!" explained Bill&mdash;"mad
+from the start, and won't never do nothin'
+to get shut of it."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Ahem&mdash;they never attack humans, I
+suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't they?" said Johnny, as if surprised
+at such ignorance. "Why, humans
+is their favorite pastime! Humans is just
+pie to a Hydrophoby Skunk. It ain't really
+any fun to be bit by a Hydrophoby Skunk
+neither." He raised his coffee cup to his
+lips and imbibed deeply.</p>
+
+<p>"Which you certainly said something
+then, Johnny," stated Bill. "You see," he
+went on, turning to us, "they aim to catch
+you asleep and they creep up right soft
+and take holt of you&mdash;take holt of a year
+usually&mdash;and clamp their teeth and just
+hang on for further orders. Some says
+they hang on till it thunders, same as snappin'
+turtles. But that's a lie, I judge, because
+there's weeks on a stretch down here
+when it don't thunder. All the cases I ever
+heard of they let go at sun-up."</p>
+
+<p>"It is right painful at the time," said
+Johnny, taking up the thread of the narrative;
+"and then in nine days you go mad
+yourself. Remember that fellow the Hydrophoby
+Skunk bit down here by the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>
+rapids, Bill? Let's see now&mdash;what was
+that hombre's name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Williams," supplied Bill&mdash;"Heck Williams.
+I saw him at Flagstaff when they
+took him there to the hospital. That guy
+certainly did carry on regardless. First he
+went mad and his eyes turned red, and he
+got so he didn't have no real use for water&mdash;well,
+them prospectors don't never care
+much about water anyway&mdash;and then he
+got to snappin' and bitin' and foamin' so's
+they had to strap him down to his bed.
+He got loose though."</p>
+
+<p>"Broke loose, I suppose?" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, he bit loose," said Bill with the air
+of one who would not deceive you even in
+a matter of small details.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean to say he bit those leather
+straps in two?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir; he couldn't reach them," explained
+Bill, "so he bit the bed in two.
+Not in one bite, of course," he went on.
+"It took him several. I saw him after he
+was laid out. He really wasn't no credit
+to himself as a corpse."</p>
+
+<p>I'm not sure, but I think my companion<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>
+and I were holding hands by now. Outside
+we could hear that little lost echo
+laughing to itself. It was no time to be
+laughing either. Under certain circumstances
+I don't know of a lonelier place
+anywhere on earth than that Grand Ca&ntilde;on.</p>
+
+<p>Presently my friend spoke, and it seemed
+to me his voice was a mite husky. Well,
+he had a bad cold.</p>
+
+<p>"You said they mostly attack persons
+who are sleeping out, didn't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's right, too," said Johnny, and Bill
+nodded in affirmation.</p>
+
+<p>"Then, of course, since we sleep indoors
+everything will be all right," I put in.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, yes and no," answered Johnny.
+"In the early part of the evening a hydrophoby
+is liable to do a lot of prowlin'
+round outdoors; but toward mornin' they
+like to get into camps&mdash;they dig up under
+the side walls or come up through the
+floor&mdash;and they seem to prefer to get in
+bed with you. They're cold-blooded, I
+reckin, same as rattlesnakes. Cool nights
+always do drive 'em in, seems like."</p>
+
+<p>"It's going to be sort of coolish to-night,"
+said Bill casually.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It certainly was. I don't remember a
+chillier night in years. My teeth were
+chattering a little&mdash;from cold&mdash;before we
+turned in. I retired with all my clothes
+on, including my boots and leggings, and
+I wished I had brought along my earmuffs.
+I also buttoned my watch into my
+lefthand shirt pocket, the idea being if for
+any reason I should conclude to move during
+the night I would be fully equipped
+for traveling. The door would not stay
+closely shut&mdash;the doorjamb had sagged a
+little and the wind kept blowing the door
+ajar. But after a while we dozed off.</p>
+
+<p>It was one-twenty-seven <span class="smcap">a.m.</span> when I
+woke with a violent start. I know this
+was the exact time because that was when
+my watch stopped. I peered about me in
+the darkness. The door was wide open&mdash;I
+could tell that. Down on the floor there
+was a dragging, scuffling sound, and from
+almost beneath me a pair of small red eyes
+peered up phosphorescently.</p>
+
+<p>"He's here!" I said to my companion as
+I emerged from my blankets; and he, waking
+instantly, seemed instinctively to know<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>
+whom I meant. I used to wonder at the
+ease with which a cockroach can climb a
+perfectly smooth wall and run across the
+ceiling. I know now that to do this is the
+easiest thing in the world&mdash;if you have the
+proper incentive behind you. I had gone
+up one wall of the tent and had crossed
+over and was in the act of coming down
+the other side when Bill burst in, his eyes
+blurred with sleep, a lighted lamp in one
+hand and a gun in the other.</p>
+
+<p>I never was so disappointed in my life
+because it wasn't a Hydrophobic Skunk at
+all. It was a pack rat, sometimes called
+a trade rat, paying us a visit. The pack
+or trade rat is also a denizen of the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on. He is about four times as big as
+an ordinary rat and has an appetite to
+correspond. He sometimes invades your
+camp and makes free with your things, but
+he never steals anything outright&mdash;he merely
+trades with you; hence his name. He
+totes off a side of meat or a bushel of meal
+and brings a cactus stalk in; or he will confiscate
+your saddlebags and leave you in
+exchange a nice dry chip. He is honest,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+but from what I can gather he never gets
+badly stuck on a deal.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning at breakfast Johnny and
+Bill were doing a lot of laughing between
+them over something or other. But we had
+our revenge! About noon, as we were
+emerging at the head of the trail, we met
+one of the guides starting down with a
+couple that, for the sake of convenience,
+we had christened Clarence and Clarice.
+Shorty hailed us.</p>
+
+<p>"How's everything down at the camp?"
+he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, all right!" replied Bill&mdash;"only
+there's a good many of them Hydrophoby
+Skunks pesticatin' about. Last night we
+seen four."</p>
+
+<p>Clarence and Clarice crossed startled
+glances, and it seemed to me that Clarice's
+cheek paled a trifle; or it may have been
+Clarence's cheek that paled. He bent
+forward and asked Shorty something, and
+as we departed full of joy and content we
+observed that Shorty was composing himself
+to unload that stock horror tale. It
+made us very happy.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>By common consent we had named them
+Clarence and Clarice on their arrival the
+day before. At first glance we decided
+they must have come from Back Bay, Boston&mdash;probably
+by way of Lenox, Newport
+and Palm Beach; if Harvard had been a
+co-educational institution we should have
+figured them as products of Cambridge.
+It was a shock to us all when we learned
+they really hailed from Chicago. They
+were nearly of a height and a breadth, and
+similar in complexion and general expression;
+and immediately after arriving they
+had appeared for the ride down the Bright
+Angel in riding suits that were identical
+in color, cut and effect&mdash;long-tailed, tight-buttoned
+coats; derby hats; stock collars;
+shiny top boots; cute little crops, and
+form-fitting riding trousers with those
+Bartlett pear extensions midships and aft&mdash;and
+the prevalent color was a soft, melting,
+misty gray, like a cow's breath on a
+frosty morning. Evidently they had both
+patronized the same tailor.</p>
+
+<p>He was a wonder, that tailor. Using
+practically the same stage effects, he had,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+nevertheless, succeeded in making Clarence
+look feminine and Clarice look masculine.
+We had gone down to the rim to see them
+off. And when they passed us in all the
+gorgeousness of their city bridle-path regalia,
+enthroned on shaggy mules, behind
+a flock of tourists in nondescript yet appropriate
+attire, and convoyed by a cowboy
+who had no reverence in his soul for the
+good, the sweet and the beautiful, but kept
+sniggering to himself in a low, coarse way,
+we felt&mdash;all of us&mdash;that if we never saw
+another thing we were amply repaid for
+our journey to Arizona.</p>
+
+<p>The exactly opposite angle of this phenomenon
+was presented by a certain Eastern
+writer, a member, as I recall, of the
+Jersey City school of Wild West story
+writers, who went to Arizona about two
+years ago to see if the facts corresponded
+with his fiction; if not he would take steps
+to have the facts altered&mdash;I believe that
+was the idea. He reached El Tovar at
+Grand Ca&ntilde;on in the early morning, hurried
+at once to his room and presently
+appeared attired for breakfast. Compe<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>tent
+eyewitnesses gave me the full details.
+He wore a flannel shirt that was unbuttoned
+at the throat to allow his Adam's
+apple full sweep, a hunting coat, buckskin
+pants and high boots, and about his waist
+was a broad belt supporting on one side a
+large revolver&mdash;one of the automatic kind,
+which you start in to shooting by pulling
+the trigger merely and then have to throw
+a bucket of water on it to make it stop&mdash;and
+on the other side, as a counterpoise,
+was a buck-handled bowie knife such as
+was so universally not used by the early
+pioneers of our country.</p>
+
+<p>As he crossed the lobby, jangling like a
+milk wagon, he created a pronounced impression
+upon all beholders. The hotel is
+managed by an able veteran of the hotel
+business, assisted by a charming and accomplished
+wife; it is patronized by scientists,
+scholars and cosmopolitans, who come
+from all parts of the world to see the
+Grand Ca&ntilde;on; and it is as up-to-the-minute
+in its appointments and service as though
+it fronted on Broadway, or Chestnut Street,
+or Pennsylvania Avenue.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Our hero careened across the intervening
+space. On reaching the dining room
+he snatched off his coat and, with a gesture
+that would have turned Hackett or Faversham
+as green with envy as a processed
+stringbean, flung it aside and prepared to
+enter. It was plain that he proposed to put
+on no airs before the simple children of the
+desert wilds. He would eat his antelope
+steak and his grizzly b'ar chuck in his shirt-sleeves,
+the way Kit Carson and Old Man
+Bridger always did.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p87" id="illustration_p87"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p87.png"
+alt="HE WAS A REGULAR MOVING PICTURE COWBOY AND GAVE GENERAL SATISFACTION"
+title="HE WAS A REGULAR MOVING PICTURE COWBOY AND GAVE GENERAL SATISFACTION" /><br />
+<span class="caption">HE WAS A REGULAR MOVING PICTURE COWBOY AND GAVE GENERAL SATISFACTION</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>The young woman who presides over the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+dining room met him at the door. In the
+cool, clarified accents of a Wellesley graduate,
+which she is, she invited him to have
+on his things if he didn't mind. She also
+offered to take care of his hardware for
+him while he was eating. He consented to
+put his coat back on, but he clung to his
+weapons&mdash;there was no telling when the
+Indians might start an uprising. Probably
+at the moment it would have deeply pained
+him to learn that the only Indian uprising
+reported in these parts in the last forty
+years was a carbuncle on the back of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>
+neck of Uncle Hopi Hooligan, the gentle
+copper-colored floorwalker of the white-goods
+counter in the Hopi House, adjacent
+to the hotel!</p>
+
+<p>However, he stayed on long enough to
+discover that even this far west ordinary
+human garments make a most excellent
+protective covering for the stranger. Many
+of the tourists do not do this. They arrive
+in the morning, take a hurried look at the
+Ca&ntilde;on, mail a few postal cards, buy a
+Navajo blanket or two and are out again
+that night. Yet they could stay on for a
+month and make every hour count. To
+begin with, there is the Ca&ntilde;on, worth a
+week of anybody's undivided attention.
+Within easy reach are the Painted Desert
+and the Petrified Forests&mdash;thousands of
+acres of trees turned to solid agate. If
+these things were in Europe they would be
+studded thick with hotels and Americans
+by the thousand would flock across the
+seas to look at them. There are cliff-dwellers'
+ruins older than ancient Babylon
+and much less expensive.</p>
+
+<p>The reservations of the Hopis and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>
+Navajos, most distinctive of all the Southern
+tribes, are handy, while all about
+stretches a big Government reserve full
+of natural wonders and unnatural ones,
+too&mdash;everything on earth except a Lover's
+Leap. There are unexcelled facilities for
+Lover's Leaps, too&mdash;thousands of appropriate
+places are within easy walking distance
+of the hotel; but no lover ever yet
+cared to leap where he would have to drop
+five or six thousand feet before he landed.
+He'd be such a mussy lover; no satisfaction
+to himself then&mdash;or to the undertaker,
+either.</p>
+
+<p>However, as I was saying, most of the
+tourists run in on the morning train and
+out again on the evening train. To this
+breed belonged a youth who dropped in
+during our stay; I think he must have followed
+the crowd in. As he came out from
+breakfast I chanced to be standing on the
+side veranda and I presume he mistook me
+for one of the hired help. This mistake
+has occurred before when I was stopping
+at hotels.</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," he said to me in the pat<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>ronizing
+voice of an experienced traveler,
+"is there anything interesting to see round
+here at this time of day?"</p>
+
+<p>Either he had not heard there was a
+Grand Ca&ntilde;on going on regularly in that
+vicinity or he may have thought it was
+open only for matinees and evenings. So
+I took him by the hand and led him over
+to the curio store and let him look at the
+Mexican drawnwork. It seemed to satisfy
+him, too&mdash;until by chance he glanced out
+of a window and discovered that the Ca&ntilde;on
+was in the nature of a continuous performance.</p>
+
+<p>The same week there arrived a party of
+six or eight Easterners who yearned to see
+some of those real genuine Wild Western
+characters such as they had met so often in
+a film. The manager trotted out a troupe of
+trail guides for them&mdash;all ex-cowboys; but
+they, being merely half a dozen sunburned,
+quiet youths in overalls, did not fill the
+bill at all. The manager hated to have his
+guests depart disappointed. Privately he
+called his room clerk aside and told him
+the situation and the room clerk offered to
+oblige.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The room clerk had come from Ohio
+two years before and was a mighty accommodating
+young fellow. He slipped across
+to the curio store and put on a big hat
+and some large silver spurs and a pair of
+leather chaps made by one of the most
+reliable mail-order houses in this country.
+Thus caparisoned, he mounted a pony and
+came charging across the lawn, uttering
+wild ki-yis and quirting his mount at every
+jump. He steered right up the steps to
+the porch where the delighted Easterners
+were assembled, and then he yanked the
+pony back on his haunches and held him
+there with one hand while with the other
+he rolled a brown-paper cigarette&mdash;which
+was a trick he had learned in a high-school
+frat at Cincinnati&mdash;and altogether he was
+the picture of a regular moving-picture
+cowboy and gave general satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p>If the cowboys are disappointing in their
+outward aspect, however, Captain Jim
+Hance is not. The captain is the official
+prevaricator of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on. It is
+probably the only salaried job of the sort
+in the world&mdash;his competitors in the same<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>
+line of business mainly work for the love
+of it. He is a venerable retired prospector
+who is specially retained by the Santa Fe
+road for the sole purpose of stuffing the
+casual tourist with the kind of fiction the
+casual tourist's system seems to crave. He
+just moons round from spot to spot, romancing
+as he goes.</p>
+
+<p>Two of the captain's standbys have been
+advertised to the world. One of them deals
+with the sad fate of his bride, who on her
+honeymoon fell off into the Ca&ntilde;on and
+lodged on a rim three hundred feet below.
+"I was two days gettin' down to the poor
+little thing," he tells you, "and then I seen
+both her hind legs was broke." Here the
+captain invariably pauses and looks out
+musingly across the Ca&ntilde;on until the victim
+bites with an impatient "What happened
+then?" "Oh, I knew she wouldn't be no
+use to me any more as a bride&mdash;so I shot
+her!" The other tale he saves up until
+some tenderfoot notices the succession of
+blazes upon the treetrunks along one of the
+forest trails and wants to know what made
+those peculiar marks upon the bark all at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>
+the same height from the earth. Captain
+Hance explains that he himself did it&mdash;with
+his elbows and knees&mdash;while fleeing
+from a war party of Apaches.</p>
+
+<p>His newest one, though&mdash;the one he is
+featuring this year&mdash;is, in the opinion of
+competent judges, the gem of the Hance
+collection. It concerns the fate of one
+Total Loss Watkins, an old and devoted
+friend of the captain. As a preliminary
+he leads a group of wide-eared, doe-eyed
+victims to the rim of the Ca&ntilde;on. "Right
+here," he says sorrowfully, "was where
+poor old Total slipped off one day. It's
+two thousand feet to the first ledge and we
+thought he was a gone fawnskin, sure!
+But he had on rubber boots, and he had
+the presence of mind to light standing up.
+He bounced up and down for two days
+and nights without stoppin', and then we
+had to get a wingshot to kill him in order
+to keep him from starvin' to death."</p>
+
+<p>The next stop will be Southern California,
+the Land of Perpetual Sunshine&mdash;except
+when it rains!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="HOW_DO_YOU_LIKE" id="HOW_DO_YOU_LIKE"></a><i>HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CLIMATE?</i></h2>
+
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p95" id="illustration_p95"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p95.png"
+alt="p95" title="p95" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><i>How Do You Like the
+Climate?</i></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Once</span> upon a time a stranger went
+to Southern California; and when
+he was asked the customary question&mdash;to
+wit: "How do you like the climate?"
+he said: "No, I don't like it!" So
+they destroyed him on the spot. I have
+forgotten now whether they merely hanged
+him on the nearest tree or burned him at
+the stake; but they destroyed him utterly
+and hid his bones in an unmarked grave.</p>
+
+<p>History, that lying jade, records that
+when Balboa first saw the Pacific he
+plunged breast-deep into the waves, drew
+his sword and waved it on high, probably
+using for that purpose the Australian
+crawl stroke; and then, in that generous
+and carefree way of the early discoverers,
+claimed the ocean and all points west in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>
+the name of his Catholic Majesty, Carlos
+the Cutup, or Pedro the Impossible, or
+whoever happened to be the King of Spain
+for the moment. Personal investigation
+convinces me that the current version of
+the above incident was wrong.</p>
+
+<p>What Balboa did first was to state that
+he liked the climate better than any climate
+he'd ever met; was perfectly crazy
+about it, in fact, and intended to sell out
+back East and move West just as soon as
+he could get word home to his folks; after
+which, still following the custom of the
+country, he bought a couple of Navajo
+blankets and some moccasins with blue
+beadwork on the toes, mailed a few souvenir
+postcards to close friends, and had his
+photograph taken showing him standing
+in the midst of the tropical verdure, with
+a freshly picked orange in his hand. And
+if he waved his sword at all it was with
+the idea of forcing the real-estate agents
+to stand back and give him air. I am sure
+that these are the correct details, because
+that is what every round-tripper does upon
+arriving in Southern California; and,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+though Balboa finished his little jaunt of
+explorations at a point some distance below
+the California state line, he was still in
+the climate belt. Life out there in that
+fair land is predicated on climate; out
+there climate is capitalized, organized and
+systematized. Every native is a climate
+booster; so is every newcomer as soon as
+he has stuck round long enough to get the
+climate habit, which is in from one to
+three days. They talk climate; they think
+climate; they breathe it by day; they snore
+it by night; and in between times they live
+on it. And it is good living, too&mdash;especially
+for the real-estate people and the
+hotel-keepers.</p>
+
+<p>Southern Californians brag of their climate
+just as New York brags of its wickedness
+and its skyscrapers, and as Richmond
+brags of its cooking and its war
+memories. I don't blame them either; the
+California climate is worth all the brags
+it gets. Back East in the wintertime we
+have weather; out in Southern California
+they never have weather&mdash;nothing but climate.
+For hours on hours a native will<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>
+stand outdoors, with his hat off and his
+head thrown back, inhaling climate until
+you can hear his nostrils smack. And after
+you've been on the spot a day or two you're
+doing the same thing yourself, for, in addition
+to being salubrious, the California climate
+is catching.</p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p101" id="illustration_p101"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p101.png"
+alt="THE BOY WHO SELLS YOU A PAPER AND THE YOUTH WHO BLACKENS YOUR SHOES BOTH SHOW SOLICITUDE"
+title="THE BOY WHO SELLS YOU A PAPER AND THE YOUTH WHO BLACKENS YOUR SHOES BOTH SHOW SOLICITUDE" /><br />
+<span class="caption">THE BOY WHO SELLS YOU A PAPER AND THE YOUTH WHO BLACKENS YOUR SHOES BOTH SHOW SOLICITUDE</span>
+</div>
+
+<div><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></div>
+
+<p>Just as soon as you cross the Arizona
+line you discover that you have entered
+the climate belt. As your train whizzes
+past the monument that marks the boundary
+an earnest-minded passenger leans over,
+taps you on the breastbone and informs
+you that you are now in California, and
+wishes to know, as man to man, whether
+you don't regard the climate as about the
+niftiest article in that line you ever experienced!
+At the hotel the young lady of the
+telephone switchboard, who calls you in
+the morning, plugs in the number of your
+room; and when you drowsily answer the
+bell she informs you that it is now eight-thirty
+and&mdash;What do you think of the climate?
+The boy who sells you a paper
+and the youth who blackens your shoes
+both show solicitude to elicit your views
+upon this paramount subject.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At breakfast the waiter finds out&mdash;if he
+can&mdash;how you like the climate before finding
+out how you like your eggs. When
+you pay your bill on going away the clerk
+somehow manages to convey the impression
+that the charges have been remarkably
+moderate considering what you have enjoyed
+in the matter of climate. Punching
+your round-trip ticket on the train starting
+East, the conductor has a few well-merited
+words to speak on behalf of the climate
+of the Glorious Southland, the same being
+the favorite pet name of the resident classes
+for the entire lower end of the state of
+California.</p>
+
+<p>Everybody is doing it, including press,
+pulpit and general public. The weather
+story&mdash;beg pardon, the climate story&mdash;is
+the most important thing in the daily paper,
+especially if a blizzard has opportunely
+developed back East somewhere and
+is available for purposes of comparison.
+At Los Angeles, which is the great throbbing
+heart of the climate belt, I went as
+a guest to a stag given at the handsome
+new clubhouse of a secret order renowned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>
+the continent over for its hospitality and
+its charities. We sat, six or seven hundred
+of us, in a big assembly hall, smoked cigars
+and drank light drinks, and witnessed some
+corking good sparring bouts by non-professional
+talent. There were two or three
+ministers present&mdash;fine, alert representatives
+of the modern type of city clergymen.
+When eleven o'clock came the master of
+ceremonies announced the toast, To Our
+Absent Brothers! and called upon one of
+those clergymen to respond to it.</p>
+
+<p>The minister climbed up on the platform&mdash;a
+tall man, with a thick crop of hair
+and a profile as clean cut as a cameo and
+as mobile as an actor's, the face of a born
+orator. He could talk, too, that preacher!
+In language that was poetic without being
+sloppy he paid a tribute to the spirit of
+fraternity that fairly lifted us out of our
+chairs. Every man there was touched, I
+think&mdash;and deeply touched; no man who
+believed in the brotherhood of man,
+whether he practiced it or not, could have
+listened unmoved to that speech. He spoke
+of the absent ones. Some of them he said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>
+had answered the last rollcall, and some
+were stretched upon the bed of affliction,
+and some were unavoidably detained by
+business in the East; and he intimated that
+those in the last category who had been
+away for as long as three weeks wouldn't
+know the old place when they got back!&mdash;Applause.</p>
+
+<p>This naturally brought him round to the
+subject of Los Angeles as a city of business
+and homes. He pointed out its marvelous
+growth&mdash;quoting freely from the latest issue
+of the city directory and other reliable
+authorities to prove his figures; he made
+a few heartrousing predictions touching
+on its future prospects, as tending to show
+that in a year or less San Francisco and
+other ambitious contenders along the Coast
+would be eating at the second table; he
+peopled the land clear back to the mountains
+with new homes and new neighbors;
+and he wound up, in a burst of vocal glory,
+with the most magnificent testimonial for
+the climate I ever heard any climate get.
+Did he move his audience then? Oh, but
+didn't he move them, though! Along<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>
+toward the close of the third minute of
+uninterrupted cheering I thought the roof
+was gone.</p>
+
+<p>On the day after my arrival I made one
+very serious mistake; in fact, it came near
+to being a fatal one. I met a lady, and
+naturally right away she asked me the
+customary opening question. Every conversation
+between a stranger and a resident
+begins according to that formula. Still it
+seemed to me an inopportune hour for
+bringing up the subject. It was early in
+March and the day was one of those days
+which a greenhorn from the East might
+have been pardoned for regarding as verging
+upon the chilly&mdash;not to say the raw.
+Also, it seemed to be raining. I say it
+seemed to be raining, because no true
+Southern Californian would admit any
+actual defects in the climatic arrangements.
+If pressed he might concede that ostensibly
+an infinitesimal percentage of precipitation
+was descending, and that apparently
+the mercury had descended a notch or two
+in the tube. Further than that, in the
+absence of the official reports, he would
+not care to commit himself.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>You never saw such touching loyalty
+anywhere! Those scoffing neighbors of
+Noah who kept denying on there was
+going to be any flood right up to the moment
+when they went down for the third
+time were rank amateurs alongside a seasoned
+resident of Los Angeles. I was
+newly arrived, however, and I hadn't acquired
+the ethics yet; and, besides, I had
+contracted a bad cold and had been taking
+a number of things for it and for the
+moment was, as you might say, full of
+conflicting emulsions. So, in reply to this
+lady's question, I said it occurred to me
+that the prevalent atmospheric conditions
+might for the nonce stand a few trifling
+alterations without any permanent ill effects.</p>
+
+<p>I repeat that this was a mistake; for this
+particular lady was herself a recent arrival,
+and of all the incurable Californians, the
+new ones are the most incurable. She gave
+me one look&mdash;but such a look! From
+a reasonably solid person I became first a
+pulp and then a pap; and then, reversing
+the processes of creation as laid down in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>
+Genesis, first chapter, and first to fifth
+verses, I liquefied and turned to gas, and
+darkness covered me, and I became void
+and without form, and passed off in the
+form of a vapor, leaving my clothes inhabited
+only by a blushing and embarrassed
+emptiness. When the outraged lady
+abated the intensity of her scornful gaze
+and I painfully reassembled my astral
+body out of space and projected it back
+into my earthly tenement again, I found
+I'd shrunk so in these various processes
+that nothing I wore fitted me any longer.</p>
+
+<p>I shall never commit that error again.
+I know better now. If I were a condemned
+criminal about to die on a gallows
+at the state penitentiary, I would
+make the customary announcement touching
+on my intention of going straight to
+Heaven&mdash;condemned criminals never seem
+to have any doubt on that point&mdash;and then
+in conclusion I would add that after Southern
+California, I knew I wouldn't care for
+the climate Up There. Then I would step
+serenely off into eternity, secure in the belief
+that, no matter how heinous my crime<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>
+might have been, all the local papers would
+give me nice obituary notices.</p>
+
+<p>I'd be absolutely sure of the papers, because
+the papers are the last to concede
+that there ever was or ever will be a flaw
+in the climate anywhere. In a certain city
+out on the Coast there is one paper that
+refuses even to admit that a human being
+can actually expire while breathing the
+air of Southern California. It won't go
+so far as to say that anybody has died&mdash;"passed
+away" is the term used. You read
+in its columns that Medulla Oblongata, the
+Mexican who was kicked in the head by
+a mule last Sunday afternoon, has passed
+away at the city hospital; or that, during
+yesterday's misunderstanding in Chinatown
+between the Bing Bangs and the Ok Louies,
+two Tong men were shot and cut in
+such a manner that they practically passed
+away on the spot. When I was there I
+traveled all one day over the route of an
+unprecedented cold snap that had happened
+along a little earlier and mussed up
+the citrus groves; and, though I will not
+go so far as to say that the orange crop<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+had died or that it had been killed, it did
+look to me as though it had passed away
+to a considerable extent.</p>
+
+<p>This sort of visitation, however, doesn't
+occur often; in fact, it never had occurred
+before&mdash;and the chances are it never will
+occur again. Next to taxes and the high
+cost of living, I judge the California climate
+to be about the most dependable
+institution we have in this country&mdash;yes,
+and one of the most satisfactory, too. To
+its climate California is indebted for being
+the most extravagantly beautiful spot I've
+seen on this continent. It isn't just beautiful
+in spots&mdash;it is beautiful all over; it
+isn't beautiful in a sedate, reserved way&mdash;there
+is a prodigal, riotous, abandoned
+spendthriftiness to its beauty.</p>
+
+<p>I don't know of anything more wonderful
+than an automobile ride through one
+of the fruit valleys in the Mission country.
+In one day's travel&mdash;or, at most, two&mdash;you
+can get a taste of all the things that
+make this farthermost corner of the United
+States at once so diversified and so individual&mdash;sky-piercing
+mountain and mirage-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>painted
+desert; seashore and upland; ranch
+lands, farm lands and fruit lands; city and
+town; traces of our oldest civilization and
+stretches of our newest; wilderness and
+jungle and landscape garden; the pines of
+the snows, the familiar growths of the
+temperate zone, the palms of the tropics;
+and finally&mdash;which is California's own&mdash;the
+Big Trees. All day you may ride and
+never once will your eye rest upon a picture
+that is commonplace or trumpery.</p>
+
+<p>Going either North or South, your
+road lies between mountains. To the eastward,
+shutting out the deserts from this
+domain of everlasting summer, are the
+Sierras&mdash;great saw-edged old he-mountains,
+masculine as bulls or bucks, all rugged
+and wrinkled, bearded with firs and
+pines upon their jowls, but bald-headed
+and hoar with age atop like the Prophets
+of old. But the mountains of the Coast
+Range, to the westward, are full-bosomed
+and maternal, mothering the valleys up to
+them; and their round-uddered, fecund
+slopes are covered with softest green. Only
+when you come closer to them you see<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+that the garments on their breasts are not
+silky-smooth as they looked at a distance,
+but shirred and gored, gathered and
+smocked. I suppose even a lady mountain
+never gets too old to follow the
+fashions!</p>
+
+<p>Now you pass an orchard big enough to
+make a hundred of your average Eastern
+orchards; and if it be of apples or plums
+or cherries, and the time be springtime,
+it is all one vast white bridal bouquet; but
+if it be of almonds or peaches the whole
+land, maybe for miles on end, blazes with
+a pink flame that is the pinkest pink in
+the world&mdash;pinker than the heart of a ripe
+watermelon; pinker than the inside of a
+blond cow.</p>
+
+<p>Here is a meadowland of purest, deepest
+green; and flung across it, like a streak
+of sunshine playing hooky from Heaven, is
+a slash of wild yellow poppies. There,
+upon a hillside, stands a clump of gnarly,
+dwarfed olives, making you think of Bible
+times and the Old Testament. Or else it
+is a great range, where cattle by thousands
+feed upon the slopes. Or a crested ridge,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+upon which the gum trees stand up in long
+aisles, sorrowful and majestic as the funereal
+groves of the ancient Greeks&mdash;that is,
+provided it was the ancient Greeks who
+had the funereal groves.</p>
+
+<p>Or, best of all and most striking in its
+contrasts, you will see a hill all green,
+with a nap on it like a family album; and
+right on the top of it an old, crumbly gray
+mission, its cross gleaming against the skyline;
+and, down below, a modern town,
+with red roofs and hipped windows, its
+houses buried to their eaves in palms and
+giant rose bushes, and huge climbing geraniums,
+and all manner of green tropical
+growths that are Nature's own Christmas
+trees, with the red-and-yellow dingle-dangles
+growing upon them. Or perhaps it
+is a gorge choked with the enormous redwoods,
+each individual tree with a trunk
+like the Washington Monument. And, if
+you are only as lucky as we were, up
+overhead, across the blue sky, will be drifting
+a hundred fleecy clouds, one behind
+the other, like woolly white sheep grazing
+upon the meadows of the firmament.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Everywhere the colors are splashed on
+with a barbaric, almost a theatrical, touch.
+It's a regular backdrop of a country; its
+scenery looks as though it belonged on a
+stage&mdash;as though it should be painted on
+a curtain. You almost expect to see a
+chorus of comic-opera brigands or a bevy
+of stage milkmaids come trooping out of
+the wings any minute. Who was the libelous
+wretch who said that the flowers of
+California had no perfume and the birds
+there had no song? Where we passed
+through tangled woods the odors distilled
+from the wild flowers by the sun's warmth
+were often almost suffocating in their
+sweetness; and in a yellow-tufted bush
+on the lawn at Coronado I came upon a
+mocking-bird singing in a way to make
+his brother minstrel of Mobile or Savannah
+feel like applying for admission to a
+school of expression and learning the singing
+business all over again.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p115" id="illustration_p115"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p115.png"
+alt="OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE WILL CRAWL A REAL ESTATE AGENT"
+title="OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE WILL CRAWL A REAL ESTATE AGENT" /><br />
+<span class="caption">OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE WILL CRAWL A REAL ESTATE AGENT</span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At the end of the valley&mdash;top end or
+bottom end as the case may be&mdash;you come
+to a chain of lesser mountains, dropped
+down across your path like a trailing wing
+of the Indians' fabled thunder-bird, vainly
+trying to shut you out from the next valley.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>
+You climb the divide and run through the
+pass, with a brawling river upon one side
+and tall cliffs upon the other; and then
+all of a sudden the hills magically part
+and you are within sight&mdash;almost within
+touch&mdash;of the ocean; for in this favored
+land the mountains come right down to
+the sea and the sea comes right up to the
+mountains. It may be upon a tiny bay that
+you have emerged, with the meadows sloping
+straight to tidemark, and out beyond
+the wild fowl feeding by the kelp beds.</p>
+
+<p>Or perhaps you have come out upon a
+ragged, rugged headland, crowned belike
+with a single wind-twisted tree, grotesquely
+suggesting a frizzly chicken; and away
+below, straight and sheer, are the rocks
+rising out of the water like the jaws of a
+mangle. Down there in that ginlike reef
+Neptune is forever washing out his shirt
+in a smother of foamy lather. And he has
+spilled his bluing pot, too&mdash;else how could
+all the sea be so blue? On the outermost
+rocks the sea-lions have stretched them<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>selves,
+looking like so many overgrown
+slugs; and they lie for hours and sun
+themselves and bellow&mdash;or, at least, I am
+told they do so on occasion. There was
+unfortunately no bellowing going on the
+day I was there.</p>
+
+<p>The unearthly beauty of the whole thing
+overpowers you. The poet that lives in
+nearly every human soul rouses within you
+and you feel like withdrawing to yon dense
+grove or yon peaked promontory to commune
+with Nature. But be advised in
+season. Restrain yourself! Carefully refrain!
+Do not do so! Because out from
+under a rock somewhere will crawl a real-estate
+agent to ask you how you like the
+climate and take a dollar down as first
+payment on a fruit ranch, or a suburban
+lot, or a seaside villa&mdash;or something.</p>
+
+<p>Climate did it and he can prove it.
+Only he doesn't have to prove it&mdash;you
+admit it. I had never seen the Mediterranean
+when I went West; but I saw the
+cypresses of Del Monte, and the redwood
+grove in the ca&ntilde;on just below Harry Leon
+Wilson's place, down past Carmel-by-the-<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>Sea;
+and that was sufficient. I had no burning
+yearning to see Naples and die, as the
+poet suggested. I felt that I would rather
+see Monterey Bay again on a bright March
+day and live!</p>
+
+<p>And for all of this&mdash;for fruit, flowers
+and scenery, for real-estate agents, and for
+a race of the most persistent boosters under
+the sun&mdash;the climate is responsible. Climate
+advertised is responsible for the rush
+of travel from the East that sets in with
+the coming of winter and lasts until well
+into the following spring; and climate realized
+is responsible for the string of tourist
+hotels that dot the Coast all along from
+just below San Francisco to the Mexican
+border.</p>
+
+<p>Both externally and internally the majority
+of these hotels are singularly alike.
+Mainly they are rambling frame structures
+done in a modified Spanish architecture&mdash;late
+Spanish crossed on Early Peoria&mdash;with
+a lobby so large that, loafing there, you
+feel as though you were in the waiting-room
+of the Grand Central Terminal, and with
+a dining room about the size of the state<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+of Rhode Island, and a sun parlor that has
+windows all round, so as to give its occupants
+the aspect, when viewed from without,
+of being inmates of an aquarium; and
+a gorgeous tea room done in the style of
+one of the French Louies&mdash;Louie the
+Limit, I guess. There are some notable
+exceptions to the rule&mdash;some of the places
+have pleasing individualities of their own,
+but most of them were cut off the same
+pattern. Likewise the bulk of their winter
+patrons are cut off the same pattern.</p>
+
+<p>The average Eastern tourist is a funny
+biped anyhow, and he is at his funniest
+out in California. Living along the Eastern
+seaboard are a large number of well-to-do
+people who harken not to the slogan
+of See America First, because many of
+them cannot see America at any price;
+they can just barely recognize its existence
+as a suitable place for making money,
+but no place for spending it. What makes
+life worth living to them is the fact that
+Europe is distant only a four-day run by
+the four-day boat, the same being known
+as a four-day boat because only four days<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+are required for the run between Daunt's
+Rock and Ambrose Channel, which is a
+very convenient arrangement for deep-sea
+divers and long-distance swimmers desiring
+to get on at Daunt's Rock and get off
+in Ambrose Channel, but slightly extending
+the journey for passengers who are less
+amphibious by nature.</p>
+
+<p>These people constitute one breed of
+Eastern tourists. There is the other breed,
+who are willing to see America provided
+it is made over to conform with the accepted
+Eastern model. Those who can
+afford the expense go to Florida in the
+winter; but it requires at least a million in
+small change to feel at home in that setting,
+and so a good many who haven't quite
+a million to spare, head for Southern California
+as the next best spot on the map.
+Arriving there, they endeavor to reproduce
+on as exact a scale as possible the life of
+the ultra fashionable Florida resorts; the
+result is what a burlesque manager would
+call a Number Two Palm Beach company
+playing the Western Wheel.</p>
+
+<p>Up and down the Coast these tourists<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>
+traipse for months on end, spending a week
+here and two weeks there, and doing the
+same things in the same way at each new
+stopping place. You meet them, part from
+them, and meet them again at the next
+stand, until the monotony of it grows maddening;
+and always they are intently following
+the routine you saw them following
+last week or the week before, or the week
+before that. They have traveled clear
+across the continent to practice such diversions
+as they might have had within two
+hours' ride of Philadelphia or New York;
+and they are going to practice them, too,
+or know the reason why.</p>
+
+<p>Of course they are not all constituted
+this way; I am speaking now of the impression
+created in California by tourists
+in bulk. They decline to do the things
+for which this country is best adapted;
+they will not see the things for which it is
+most famous. Few of them take the roughing
+trips up into the mountains; fewer still
+visit the desert country. All about them
+the tremendous engineering contracts that
+have made this land a commercial Arabian<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>
+Nights' Entertainment are being carried
+out&mdash;the mighty reclamation schemes; the
+irrigation projects; the damming up of
+ca&ntilde;ons and the shoveling away of mountains&mdash;but
+your average group of Eastern
+tourists pass these by with dull and glazed
+eyes, their souls being bound up in the
+desire to reach the next hotel on the route
+with the least possible waste of time, and
+take up the routine where it was broken
+off at the last hotel.</p>
+
+<p>They tennis and they golf, and some go
+horseback riding and some take drives;
+and at one or two places there is polo in
+the season. Likewise, in accordance with
+the rules laid down by the Palm Beach
+authorities, the women change clothes as
+often as possible during the course of the
+day; and in the evening all hands appear
+in full dress for dinner, the same being
+very wearing on men and very pleasing
+to women&mdash;that is, all of them do except
+a few obstinate persons who defy convention
+and remain comfortable. After dinner
+some of the younger people dance and
+some of the older ones play bridge; but<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>
+the vast majority sit round&mdash;and then sit
+round some more and wonder whether
+eleven o'clock will ever come so they can
+go to bed!</p>
+
+<p>A good many take the wrong kind of
+clothes out there with them. They have
+read in the advertisements that Southern
+California is a land of perpetual balm,
+where flowers bloom the year round; and
+they pack their trunks with the lightest
+and thinnest wearing apparel they own,
+which is a mistake. The natives know
+better than that. The all-wool sweater is
+the national garment of the Western Coast&mdash;both
+sexes and all ages go to it unanimously.
+Experience proves it the ideal
+thing to wear; for in Southern California
+in the winter it is never really hot in the
+sun and it is often exceedingly cool in the
+shade. Besides, there is a sea wind that
+blows pretty regularly and which makes
+a specialty of working through the crannies
+in a silk shirt or a lingerie blouse.
+The chilliest, most pallid-looking things I
+ever saw in my life were a pair of white
+linen trousers I found in the top tray of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>
+my trunk when I reached the extreme
+lower end of California. I had to cover
+them under two blankets and a bedspread
+that night to keep the poor things from
+freezing stiff.</p>
+
+<p>The medium-weight garments an Easterner
+wears between seasons are admirably
+suited for the West Coast in the winter;
+but the guileless tenderfoot who is making
+his first trip to California usually doesn't
+learn this until it is too late. If he is wise
+he studies out the situation on his arrival,
+and thereafter takes his overcoat with him
+when he goes riding and his sweater when
+he goes walking; but there are many others
+who will be summer boys and girls though
+they perish in the attempt.</p>
+
+<p>At Coronado I witnessed a mighty pitiable
+sight. It was a cool day, cooler than
+ordinary even, with a stiff wind blowing
+skeiny shreds of sea fog in off the gray
+ocean; and a beating rain was falling at
+frequent intervals. The veranda was full
+of Easterners trying to look comfortable in
+summer clothes and not succeeding, while
+the road in front was dotted with Western<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>ers,
+comfortable and cozy in their thick
+sweaters. There emerged upon the wind-swept
+porch a youth who would have been
+a sartorial credit to himself on a Florida
+beach in February or upon a Jersey board-walk
+in August; but he did not coincide
+with the atmospheric scheme of things on a
+rainy March day down in Southern California.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p127" id="illustration_p127"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p127.png"
+alt="HE FELT HE WAS PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE TIME, THE PLACE AND THE OCCASION"
+title="HE FELT HE WAS PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE TIME, THE PLACE AND THE OCCASION" /><br />
+<span class="caption">HE FELT HE WAS PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE TIME, THE PLACE AND THE OCCASION</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>To begin with, he was a spindly and
+fragile person, with a knobby forehead and
+a fade-away face. Dressed in close-fitting<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>
+black and turned sidewise, with his profile
+to you, he would instantly suggest a neatly
+rolled umbrella with a plain bone handle.
+But he was not dressed in black; he was
+dressed in white&mdash;all white, like a bride
+or a bandaged thumb; white silk shirt;
+white flannel coat, with white pearl buttons
+spangled freely over it; white trousers;
+white Panama hat; white socks; white
+buckskin shoes, with white rubber soles on
+them. He was, in short, all white except
+his face, which was a pinched, wan blue,
+and his nose, which was a suffused and
+chilly red. If my pencil had had an eraser
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+on it I'm satisfied I could have backed him
+up against the wall and rubbed him right
+out; but he bore up splendidly.</p>
+
+<p>It was plain he felt that he was properly
+dressed for the time, the place and the occasion;
+and to him that was ample compensation
+for his suffering. I heard afterward
+that he lost three sets of tennis and had a
+congestive chill&mdash;all in the course of the
+same afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>The unconquerable determination of the
+Eastern tourist to have Southern California
+conform to his back-home standards is
+responsible for the fact that many of the
+tourist hotels out there are not so typical
+of the West as they might be&mdash;and as in my
+humble judgment they should be&mdash;but are
+as Eastern as it is possible to make them&mdash;Eastern
+in cuisine, in charges and in their
+operating schedules. Here, again, there
+are some notable exceptions.</p>
+
+<p>In the supposedly wilder sections of the
+West, lying between the Rockies and the
+Sierras, the situation is different. It is
+notably different in Arizona and New
+Mexico in the South, and in Utah, Mon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>tana
+and Wyoming in the North. There
+the person who serves you for hire is
+neither your menial nor your superior;
+whereas in the East he or she is nearly always
+one or the other, and sometimes both
+at once. This particular type of Westerner
+doesn't patronize you; neither does
+he cringe to you in expectation of a tip.
+He gives you the best he has in stock,
+meanwhile retaining his own self-respect
+and expecting you to do the same. He ennobles
+and dignifies personal service.</p>
+
+<p>Out on the Coast, however&mdash;or at least
+at several of the big hotels out on the
+Coast&mdash;the system, thanks to Eastern influence,
+has been changed. The whole
+scheme is patterned after the accepted
+New York model. The charges for small
+services are as exorbitant as in New York,
+and the iniquities of the tipping system are
+worked out as amply and as wickedly as
+in the city where they originated.</p>
+
+<p>Somebody with a taste for statistics figured
+it out once that if a man owned a
+three-dollar hat and wore it for two
+months, lunching every day at a New York<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>
+caf&eacute;, and if he dined four nights a week at
+a New York restaurant and attended the
+theater twice a week, his hat at the end of
+those two months would cost him in tips
+eighteen dollars and seventy cents! No,
+on second thought, I guess it was a pair of
+earmuffs that would have cost him eighteen-seventy.</p>
+
+<p>A hat would have been more.</p>
+
+<p>It would be more in Southern California&mdash;I'm
+sure of that. There the tipping
+habit is made more expensive by reason of
+the prevalent spirit of Western generosity.
+The born Westerner never has got used to
+dimes and nickels. To him quarters are
+still chicken-feed and a half dollar is small
+change. So the tips are just as numerous
+as in New York and for the same service
+they are frequently larger.</p>
+
+<p>A lot has been said and written about
+the marvelous palms of Lower California
+and a lot more might be said&mdash;for they are
+outstretched everywhere; and if you don't
+cross them with silver at frequent intervals
+you would do well to try camping out for
+a change. Likewise a cursory glance at the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+prices on some of the menus is calculated
+to make a New Yorker homesick&mdash;they're
+so familiarly and unreasonably steep. And
+frequently the dishes you get aren't typical
+of the country; they are&mdash;thanks again be
+to the Easterner&mdash;mostly transplanted imitations
+of the concoctions of the Broadway
+and the Fifth Avenue chefs.</p>
+
+<p>There are compensations, though. There
+are some hotels that are operated on admirably
+different lines, and there are abundant
+opportunities for escaping altogether from
+hotel life and seeing this Land of the Living
+Backdrop where it is untainted and
+unspoiled; where the hills are clothed in
+green and yellow; where little Spanishy
+looking towns nestle below the Missions,
+and the mocking-birds sing, and the real-estate
+boomer leaps from crag to crag,
+sounding his flute-like note. And don't
+forget the climate! But that is unnecessary
+advice. You won't have a chance to
+forget it&mdash;not for a minute you won't!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="IN_THE_HAUNT_OF_THE" id="IN_THE_HAUNT_OF_THE"></a><i>IN THE HAUNT OF THENATIVE SON</i></h2>
+
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p133" id="illustration_p133"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p133.png"
+alt="p133" title="p133" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+<h3><i>In the
+Haunt of the Native Son</i></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">There</span> are various ways of entering
+San Francisco, and the traveling
+general passenger agent of any one
+of half a dozen trunklines stands ready to
+prove to you&mdash;absolutely beyond the peradventure
+of a doubt&mdash;that his particular way
+is incomparably the best one; but to my
+mind a very satisfactory way is to go overland
+from Monterey.</p>
+
+<p>The route we followed led us lengthwise
+through the wonderful Santa Clara country,
+straight up a wide box plait of valley
+tucked in between an ornamental double
+ruffle of mountains. I suppose if we passed
+one ranch we passed a thousand&mdash;cattle
+ranches, fruit ranches, hen ranches, chicken
+ranches, bee ranches&mdash;all the known varieties
+and subvarieties.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In California you mighty soon get out of
+the habit of speaking of farms; for there
+are no farms&mdash;only ranches. The particular
+ranch to which you have reference may
+be a ten-thousand-acre ranch, where they
+raise enough beef critters to feed a standing
+army, or it may be a half-acre ranch, where
+somebody is trying to make things home-like
+and happy for eight hens and a
+rooster; but a ranch it always is, and usually
+it is a model of its kind, too. The
+birds in California do not build nests.
+They build ranches.</p>
+
+<p>Most of the way along the Santa Clara
+Valley our tires glided upon an arrow-straight,
+unbelievably smooth stretch of
+magnificent automobile road, which&mdash;when
+it is completed&mdash;will extend without
+a break from the Oregon line to the
+Mexican line, and will be the finest, costliest,
+best thoroughfare to be found within
+the boundaries of any state of the Union,
+that being the scale upon which they work
+out their public-utility plans in the West.</p>
+
+<p>Eventually the road changes into a paved
+and curbed avenue, lined with seemingly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+unending aisles of the tall gum trees. Soon
+you begin to skitter past the suburban villas
+of rich men, set back in ornamental
+landscape effects of green lawns and among
+tropical verdure. You emerge from this
+into a gently rolling plateau, upon which
+flower gardens of incomparable richness
+are interspersed with the homely structures
+that inevitably mark the proximity of any
+great city. There, rising ahead of you,
+are the foothills that protect, upon its landward
+side, San Francisco, the city that has
+produced more artists, more poets, more
+writers, more actors, more pugilists, more
+sudden millionaires&mdash;cries of Question!
+Question! from the Pittsburgh delegation&mdash;more
+good fiction and more Native Sons
+than any community in the Western Hemisphere.</p>
+
+<p>You aren't there yet, however. Next
+you round a sloping shoulder of a hill and
+slide down into a shore road, with the beating,
+creaming surf on one side, and on the
+other a long succession of the sort of architectural
+triumphs that have made Coney
+Island famous. You negotiate another<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>
+small ridge and there, suddenly spread out
+before you, is the Golden Gate, with the
+city itself cuddled in between the ocean
+and the friendly protecting mountains at its
+back. The Seal Rocks are there, and the
+Cliff House, and the Presidio, and all.
+New York has a wonderful harbor entrance;
+Nature did some of it and man did
+the rest. San Francisco has an even more
+wonderful one, and the hand of man did
+not need to touch it. When Nature got
+through with it, it was a complete and satisfactory
+job.</p>
+
+<p>The first convincing impression the newcomer
+gets of San Francisco is that here is
+a permanent city&mdash;a city that has found
+itself, has achieved its own personality,
+and is satisfied with it. Perhaps, because
+they are growing so fast, certain of the
+other Coast cities strike the casual observer
+as having just been put up. I was told
+that a man who lives on a residential street
+of San Diego has to mark his house with
+chalk when he leaves of a morning in order
+to know it when he gets home at night.
+A real-estate agent told me so, and I do<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>
+not think a Southern California real-estate
+agent would deceive anybody&mdash;more particularly
+a stranger from the East. So it
+must be true. And Los Angeles' main
+business district is like a transverse slice
+chopped out of the middle of Manhattan
+Island. It isn't Western. It is typically
+New Yorky&mdash;as alive as New York and as
+handsomely done. You can almost imagine
+you are at the corner of Broadway and
+Forty-second Street.</p>
+
+<p>San Francisco, it seems to me, isn't like
+any city on earth except San Francisco.
+Once you get away from the larger hotels,
+which are accurate copies of the metropolitan
+article of the East, even to the
+afternoon tea-fighting m&ecirc;l&eacute;es of the women,
+you find yourself in a city that is absolutely
+individual and distinctive. It impresses
+its originality upon you; it presents
+itself with an air of having been right there
+from the beginning&mdash;and this, too, in spite
+of the fact that the ravages of the great fire
+are still visible in old cellar excavations
+and piles of d&eacute;bris. Practically every
+building in the main part of the town has<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>
+been rebuilt within eight years and is still
+new. The scars are fresh, but the spirit is
+old and abides.</p>
+
+<p>This same essence of individuality tinctures
+the lives, the manners and the conversations
+of the people. They do not strike
+you as being Westerners or as being transplanted
+Easterners; they are San Franciscans.
+Even when all other signs fail you
+may, nevertheless, instantly discern certain
+unfailing traits&mdash;to wit, as follows:
+1&mdash;A San Franciscan shudders with ill-concealed
+horror when anybody refers to
+his beloved city as Frisco&mdash;which nobody
+ever does unless it be a raw alien from the
+other side of the continent; 2&mdash;He does
+not brag of the climate with that constancy
+which provides his neighbor of
+Los Angeles a never-failing topic of congenial
+conversation; and 3&mdash;He assures
+you with a regretful sighing note in his
+voice that the old-time romance disappeared
+with the destruction of the old-time
+buildings, the old-time resorts and the old-time
+neighborhoods.</p>
+
+<p>It has been my experience that romance<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>
+is always in the past tense anyhow. Romance
+is a commodity that was extremely
+plentiful last week or last year or last century,
+but for the moment they are entirely
+out of it, and can't say with any degree of
+certainty when a fresh stock will be coming
+in. This is largely true of all the formerly
+romantic cities I know anything
+about, and it appears to be especially true
+of San Francisco. Romance invariably
+acquires added value after it has vanished;
+in this respect it is very much like a history-making
+epoch. An epoch rarely
+seems to create any great amount of excitement
+when it is in process of epoching, or
+at least the excitement is only temporary
+and soon abates. Afterward we look back
+upon it with a feeling of longing, but when
+it was actually coming to pass we took it&mdash;after
+the first shock of surprise&mdash;as a matter
+of course.</p>
+
+<p>No doubt our children and our children's
+children will read in the text-books
+that the first decade of the twentieth century
+was distinguished as the age when the
+auto and tango came into use, and people<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>
+learned to fly, and grown men wore bracelet
+watches and carried their handkerchiefs
+up their cuffs; and they will repine
+because they, too, did not live in those
+stirring times. But we of the present generation
+who recently passed through these
+experiences have already accepted them
+without undue excitement, just as our forefathers
+in their day accepted the submarine
+cable, the galvanic battery and the congress
+gaiter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p143" id="illustration_p143"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p143.png"
+alt="EVEN THE PLACE WHERE THE TURKEY TROT ORIGINATED WAS TROTLESS AND QUIET"
+title="EVEN THE PLACE WHERE THE TURKEY TROT ORIGINATED WAS TROTLESS AND QUIET" /><br />
+<span class="caption">EVEN THE PLACE WHERE THE TURKEY TROT ORIGINATED WAS TROTLESS AND QUIET</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Age and antiquity give an added value<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>
+to everything except an egg. In my own
+case I know how it was with regard to the
+Egyptian scarab. For years I felt that I
+could never rest satisfied until I had gone
+to Egypt and had personally broken into
+the tomb of some sleeping Pharaoh or some
+crumbly old Rameses, and with my own
+hands had ravished from it a mummified
+specimen of that fabled beetle which the
+ancients worshiped and buried with them
+in their tombs. But not long ago I made
+the discovery that, in coloring, habits, customs
+and general walk and conversation,
+the scarab of the Egyptians was none
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>
+other than the common tumblebug of the
+Southern dirt roads. Right there was
+where I lost interest in the scarab. He
+was no novelty to me&mdash;not after that he
+wasn't. As a boy I had known him intimately.</p>
+
+<p>So, when I was repeatedly assured that
+the old-time romance had vanished from
+San Francisco, and with it the atmosphere
+that bred Bohemianism and developed literature
+and art, and kept alive the spirit of
+the Forty-niner times, and all that, I made
+my own allowances. Those who mourned
+for the fire-blasted past may have been
+right, in a measure. Certainly the old-time
+Chinatown isn't there any more&mdash;or, at
+any rate, isn't there in its physical aspects.
+The rebuilt Chinatown of San Francisco,
+though infinitely larger, isn't so picturesque
+really or so Chinesey looking as New
+York's Chinatown.</p>
+
+<p>I did not dare to give utterance to this
+treasonable statement until I was well away
+from San Francisco, but it is true all the
+same. I cruised the shores of the far-famed
+and much-written-about Barbary<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+Coast; and it seemed to me that in its dun-colored
+tiresomeness and in its miserable
+transparent counterfeit of joy it was up to
+the general metropolitan average&mdash;that it
+was just as tiresome and humdrum as the
+avowedly wicked section of any city always
+is.</p>
+
+<p>However, I was told that I had arrived
+just one week too late to see the Barbary
+Coast at its best&mdash;meaning by that its
+worst; for during the week before the police,
+growing virtuous, had put the crusher
+on the dance-halls and the hobble on the
+tango-twisters. Even the place where the
+turkey trot originated&mdash;a place that would
+naturally be a shrine to a New Yorker&mdash;was
+trotless and quiet&mdash;in mourning for its
+firstborn.</p>
+
+<p>The so-called French restaurants, which
+for years gave an unwholesome savor to
+certain phases of San Francisco life, had
+likewise been sterilized and purified. I
+wished I might have got there before the
+housecleaning took place; but, even so, I
+should probably have been disappointed.
+What makes the vice of ancient Babylon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>
+seem by contrast more seductive to us than
+the vice of the Bowery is that Babylon is
+gone and the Bowery isn't.</p>
+
+<p>Likewise the night life of San Francisco,
+of which in times past I had read so much,
+was disillusionizing, because it wasn't visible
+to the naked eye. On this proposition
+Los Angeles puts it all over San Francisco;
+for this, though, there is an easy explanation.
+Los Angeles boasts what is said to
+be the completest trolley system in the
+world; undoubtedly it is the noisiest in the
+world. The tracks seem to run through
+every street; there is a curve at every corner,
+I think, and a switch in the middle of
+every block. Every thirty seconds or so a
+car comes along, and it always comes at top
+speed and takes the curve without slackening
+up; and the motorman is always clanging
+his gong in a whole-souled manner that
+would entitle him to membership in the
+Swiss Bellringers.</p>
+
+<p>Naturally the folks in Los Angeles stay
+up late&mdash;they can't figure on doing much
+sleeping anyhow; but either San Francisco
+has fewer trolley cars to the acre or else<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>
+the motormen are not quite so musically
+inclined, and people may get to bed at a
+Christian hour. Most of them do it, too, if
+I am one to judge. At night in San Francisco
+I didn't see a single owl lunch wagon
+or meet a single beggar. Newsboys were
+remarkably scarce and taxicabs seemed to
+be few and far between. These things
+help to make any other city; without them
+San Francisco still manages to be a city&mdash;another
+proof of her individuality.</p>
+
+<p>The old romance of the Old San Francisco
+may be dead and buried&mdash;the residents
+unite in saying that it is, and they
+ought to know; but, even so, New San
+Francisco may well brag today of a greater
+romance than any it ever knew&mdash;the romance
+of achievement. Somebody said
+not long ago that the greatest of all monuments
+to American pluck was San Francisco
+rebuilt; but if there was pluck in it
+there was romance too. And there is romance,
+plenty of it, in the exposition these
+people have planned and are now carrying
+out to commemorate the opening of the
+Panama Canal.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>To begin with, citizens of San Francisco
+and of the state of California are paying
+the whole bill themselves&mdash;they did not
+ask the Federal Government to contribute
+a red cent of the millions being spent and
+that will be spent, and to date the Federal
+Government has not contributed a red cent
+either. Climatic conditions are in their favor.
+Other expositions have had to contend
+with hot weather&mdash;sometimes with beastly
+hot weather; those other expositions could
+not open up until well into the spring, and
+they closed perforce with the coming of
+cold weather in the fall. But San Francisco
+is never very hot and never really
+cold, and California becomes an out-of-door
+land as soon as the rains end; so this
+fair will be actively and continuously in
+operation for nine months instead of being
+limited to four or five months as the period
+of its greatest activities.</p>
+
+<p>Then, again, there is another advantage&mdash;the
+exposition grounds are situated well
+within the city; the site is within easy riding
+distance of the civic center and not
+miles away from the middle of town, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>
+has been the case in certain other instances
+in this country where big expositions were
+held. It is a place admirably devised by
+Nature for the purposes to which it is
+now being put&mdash;a six-hundred-acre tract
+stretching along the water-front, with the
+Presidio at its farther end, the high hills
+behind it, and in front of it the exquisite
+panorama of the Golden Gate, with emerald
+islands rising beyond; and Berkeley
+and Oakland just across the way; and on
+beyond, northward across the narrowing
+portals of the harbor, the big green mountain
+of Tamalpais, rising sheer out of the
+sea.</p>
+
+<p>Moreover, the president of the exposition
+and his aides promised that the whole
+thing, down to the minutest detail, would be
+completed and ready months before the
+date set for opening the gates&mdash;which furnishes
+another strikingly novel note in expositions,
+if their words come true; and
+they declared that, for beauty of conception
+and harmony of design, their exposition of
+1915 would surpass any exposition ever seen
+in this country or in any other country.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+Probably they are right. I know that,
+when I was there, the view from the first
+rise back of the grounds, looking down
+upon that long flat where men by thousands
+were toiling, and building after building
+was rising, made a picture sufficiently inspiring
+to warm the enthusiasm and brisken
+the imagination of any man, be he alien or
+native.</p>
+
+<p>There isn't any doubt, though, that the
+people of San Francisco are going to have
+their hands full when the exposition visitors
+begin to pile in. By that I do not mean
+that the housing and feeding accommodations
+and the transit facilities will be deficient;
+but it is going to be a most overpoweringly
+big job to educate the pilgrims
+up to the point where they will call San
+Francisco by its full name. All true San
+Franciscans are very touchy on this point&mdash;touchy
+as hedgehogs, they are; the prejudice
+extends to all classes, with the possible
+exception of the Chinese.</p>
+
+<p>I heard a story of a seafaring person,
+ignorant and newly arrived, who drifted
+into a waterfront saloon, called for a sim<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>ple
+glass of beer and spoke a few casual
+words of greeting to the barkeeper&mdash;and
+woke up the next morning in the hospital
+with a very bad headache and a bandage
+round his throbbing brows. It developed
+that he had three times in rapid succession
+referred to the city as Frisco, and on being
+warned against this practice had inquired:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, wot do you want me to call her&mdash;plain
+Fris?"</p>
+
+<p>That was the last straw. The barkeeper
+took a bung-starter and felled him as flat
+as a felled seam&mdash;and all present agreed
+that it served him right.</p>
+
+<p>An even worse breach of etiquette on the
+part of the outlander is to intimate that an
+earthquake preceded the great fire. That
+is positively the unforgivable sin! In any
+quarter of the city you could get many subscriptions
+for a fund to buy something
+with silver handles on it for any man who
+would insist upon talking of earthquakes.
+To make my meaning clearer, I will state
+that there are only two objects of general
+use in the civilized world that have silver
+handles on them, and one of them is a lov<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>ing
+cup; but this article would not be a
+loving cup. A native will willingly concede
+that there was a fire, which burned
+its memories deep into the consciousness
+of the city that recovered from it with
+such splendid courage and such inconceivable
+rapidity; but by common consent
+there was nothing else. It does not take
+the stranger long to get this point of view,
+either.</p>
+
+<p>If I were in charge of the publicity
+work of the San Francisco Fair I should
+advertise two attractions that would surely
+appeal to all the women in this country,
+and to most of the men. In my press work
+I would dwell at length upon the fact that
+in this part of California a woman may
+wear any weight and any style of clothes&mdash;spring
+clothes, summer clothes, fall
+clothes or winter clothes&mdash;and not only be
+perfectly comfortable while so doing, but
+be in the fashion besides; and to be in the
+fashion is a thing calculated to make a
+woman comfortable whether she otherwise
+is or not.</p>
+
+<p>To see a group of four women prome<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>nading
+a San Francisco street on a pleasant
+morning is to be reminded of that ballet
+representing the Four Seasons, which
+we used to see in the second act of every
+well-regulated extravaganza. The woman
+nearest the walls has on her furs&mdash;it is always
+cool in the shade; the one next to her
+is wearing the very latest wrinkles in
+spring garniture; the third one, let us say,
+is dressed in the especially becoming frock
+she bought last October; and the one on the
+outside, where the sun shines the brightest,
+is as summery in her white ducks and
+her white slippers as though she had just
+stepped off the cover of the August number
+of a magazine. There is something,
+too, about the salt-laden breezes of San
+Francisco that gives women wonderful
+complexions; that detail, properly press-agented,
+ought to fetch the entire female
+population of the United States.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p155" id="illustration_p155"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p155.png"
+alt="THE WOMAN NEAREST THE WALL HAS ON HER FURS&mdash;IT IS ALWAYS COOL IN THE SHADE"
+title="THE WOMAN NEAREST THE WALL HAS ON HER FURS&mdash;IT IS ALWAYS COOL IN THE SHADE" /><br />
+<span class="caption">THE WOMAN NEAREST THE WALL HAS ON HER FURS&mdash;IT IS ALWAYS COOL IN THE SHADE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>For drawing the men, I would exploit<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>
+the great cardinal fact that nowhere in the
+country&mdash;not even in Norfolk or Baltimore
+or New Orleans&mdash;can you get better things
+to eat than in San Francisco. For its size,
+I believe there are more good clubs and
+more good restaurants right there than in
+any other spot on the habitable globe. Particularly
+in the preparation of the typical<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+dishes of the Coast do the San Francisco
+cooks excel; their cuisine is based on a sane
+American foundation, with a delectable
+suggestion of the Spanish in it, and sometimes
+with a traceable suggestion of the
+best there is in the Italian and the Chinese
+schools of cookery.</p>
+
+<p>To one whose taste in oysters has been
+developed by eating the full-chested bi-valve
+of the Eastern seaboard and the
+deep-lunged, long-bodied product of the
+Louisiana bayous, the native oyster does
+not greatly appeal. A lot has been written
+and printed about the California oyster,
+but in my opinion he will always have considerable
+difficulty in living up to his press
+notices. It takes about a thousand of him
+to make a quart and about a hundred of
+him to make a taste. Even then he doesn't
+taste much like a real oyster, but more like
+an infinitesimal scrap of sponge where a
+real oyster camped out overnight once.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There is a dream of a little fish, however,
+called a sand dab&mdash;he is a tiny, flounder-shaped
+titbit hailing from deep water;
+and for eating purposes he is probably the
+best fish that swims&mdash;better even than the
+pompano of the Gulf&mdash;and when you say
+that you are saying about all there is to be
+said for a fish. And the big crabs of the
+Pacific side are the hereditary princes of
+the crab family. They look like spread-eagles;
+and properly prepared they taste
+like Heaven. I often wonder what the
+crabsters buy one-half so precious as the
+stuff they sell&mdash;which is a quotation from
+Omar, with original interpolations by me.
+The domestic cheese of the Sierras is not
+without its attractions also, whether you eat
+it fresh or whether you keep it until its
+general aspect and prevalent atmosphere
+are such as to satisfy even one of those
+epicurean cheese-eaters who think that no
+cheese is fit to eat until you can't.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing worthy of mention in connection
+with this California school of cookery
+is that you can pay as little as you
+please for your dinner or as much as you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>
+please. There are three standbys of the
+exchange editor that may be counted upon
+to appear in the newspapers about once in
+so often. One is the hoary-headed and
+toothless tale regarding the artist who was
+hired to renovate religious paintings in a
+church in Brussels, and turned in an itemized
+account including such entries as&mdash;"Correcting
+the Ten Commandments";
+"Restoring the Lost Souls"; "Renewing
+Heaven"; and winding up with "Doing
+Several Odd Jobs for the Damned."</p>
+
+<p>The second of the set comes out of retirement
+at frequent intervals&mdash;whenever some
+trusting soul runs across a time-stained
+number of the Ulster Gazette giving details
+of the death of George Washington&mdash;I
+wonder how many million copies of that
+venerable counterfeit were printed&mdash;and
+writes in to his home editor about it.</p>
+
+<p>And the third, the most popular clipping
+of the three, concerns the prices that used
+to govern at the mining camps in the days
+of the early gold rush. The story that is
+most commonly quoted has to do with the
+menu of the El Dorado Hotel, at Placer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>ville,
+where bean soup was a dollar a plate;
+hash, lowgrade, seventy-five cents; hash,
+eighteen-carat, a dollar&mdash;and so on down
+the list to seventy-five cents for two Irish
+potatoes, peeled.</p>
+
+<p>The cost of living may have gone down
+subsequently in those parts, but it has gone
+back up again&mdash;at certain favored spots.
+If the Argonauts, those hardy adventurers
+who flung their gold round so regardlessly
+and were not satisfied unless they paid outrageously
+big prices for everything, could
+come back today they would have no cause
+to complain at the contemptible paucity of
+the bill after they had dined at any one of
+half a dozen ultra-expensive hotels that are
+to be found dotted along the Coast.</p>
+
+<p>I append herewith a few items selected
+at random from the price card of a fashionable
+establishment in one of the larger
+Coast cities: caviar imp&eacute;rial d'Astracan,
+two dollars for a double portion; buffet
+Russe&mdash;whatever that is&mdash;ninety cents;
+German asparagus, a single helping, one
+dollar and forty cents; blue-point oysters,
+fifty cents; fifty cents for clams; Gorgon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>zola
+cheese, fifty cents a portion; and, in a
+land where peaches and figs grow anywhere
+and everywhere, seventy-five cents
+for an order of brandied peaches and fifty
+cents for an order of spiced figs. Even seasoned
+New Yorkers have been known to
+breathe hard on receiving a check for a
+full meal at certain restaurants in Los Angeles
+and San Francisco.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, you can step round
+any corner in San Francisco and walk into
+that institution which people in other large
+cities are forever seeking and never finding&mdash;a
+table-d'h&ocirc;te restaurant where a perfect
+meal is to be had at a most moderate price.
+The best Italian restaurant in the world&mdash;and
+I wish to say, after personal experience,
+that Sunny Italy itself is not barred&mdash;is a
+little place on the fringe of the Barbary
+Coast.</p>
+
+<p>There is another place not far away
+where, for a dollar, you get a bottle of
+good domestic wine and a selection from
+the following range of dishes: Celery, ripe
+olives, green olives, radishes, onions, lettuce,
+sliced tomatoes, combination salad<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+or crab-meat salad; soup&mdash;onion or consomm&eacute;;
+fish&mdash;sole, salmon, bass, sand dabs,
+mussels or clams; entr&eacute;es&mdash;sweetbreads
+with mushrooms, curry of lamb, calf's
+tongue, tripe with peppers, tagliatini a
+l'Italienne, or boiled kidney with bacon;
+vegetables&mdash;asparagus, string-beans and
+cauliflower; roast&mdash;spring lamb with green
+peas, broiled chicken or broiled pig's feet;
+dessert&mdash;rhubarb pie, ice cream and cake,
+apple sauce, stewed fruits, baked pear or
+baked apple, mixed fruits; cheese of three
+varieties, and coffee to wind up on.</p>
+
+<p>The proprietor doesn't cut out his portions
+with a pair of buttonhole scissors,
+either, or sauce them with a medicine-dropperful
+of gravy. He gives a big, full,
+satisfying helping, well cooked and well
+served. There is some romance in the San
+Francisco cooking, too, if the oldtimers
+who bemourn the old days only realized it.</p>
+
+<p>If this seeming officiousness on the part
+of a passing wayfarer may be excused there
+is one more suggestion I should like to
+throw off for the benefit of the promoters
+of the exposition. Living somewhere in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+California is a man who should be looked
+up before the gates are opened, and he
+should be retained at a salary and staked
+out in suitable quarters as a special and
+added attraction. He is the most magnificent
+fish-liar in the known world! I
+do not know his name&mdash;he was so busy
+pouring fish stories down a party of us
+that he didn't take time to stop and tell his
+name&mdash;but no great difficulty should be experienced
+in finding him. There is only
+one of him alive&mdash;these world's wonders
+never occur in pairs. That would cheapen
+them and make them commonplace.</p>
+
+<p>He swam into our ken&mdash;if a mixed metaphor
+may be pardoned&mdash;on a train leaving
+Oakland for the East. We were sitting
+in the club car&mdash;half a dozen or so of
+us&mdash;when he drifted along. At first look no
+one would have suspected him of being so
+gifted a creature as he proved himself to
+be. He was a round, short, tub-shaped
+man, with a button nose, and a double chin
+that ran all the way round and lapped over
+at the back. But, though his appearance was
+deceiving, anybody could tell with half an<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>
+eye that he excelled in extemporaneous
+conversation. Right off he began shadow-boxing
+and sparring about, waiting for an
+opening. In a minute he got it.</p>
+
+<p>The tall man with the long face and the
+stiff white pompadour, who looked like a
+patent toothbrush, gave him his chance.
+The tall man happened to look out of the
+car window and see in an inlet a fleet of
+beached fishing boats, and he remarked on
+their picturesqueness. That was the cue.</p>
+
+<p>"Speaking of fishing," said the button-nosed
+man, "I'll tell you people something
+that'll maybe interest you. You may not
+believe it, either, me being a stranger to
+you; but it's the Gospel truth or I wouldn't
+be sitting here a-telling it. I reckon I've
+done more fishing in my day and more different
+kinds of fishing than any man alive.
+I come originally from a prime fishing
+state&mdash;Michigan&mdash;and I've lived in Colorado
+and Montana and Oregon and all the
+other good fishing states out West. But,
+take it from me, friends, California is the
+best fishing state there is. Yes, sir; when
+it comes to fishing, old California lays it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>
+over 'em all&mdash;she takes the rag right off
+the bush! I'm the one that oughter know
+because I've fished her from end to end
+and crossways&mdash;sea fishing, creek fishing,
+lake fishing and all.</p>
+
+<p>"Down at Catalina they'll tell you, if
+you ask 'em, that I'm the man that ketched
+the biggest tuna that ever come out of that
+ocean. It took me fourteen hours and
+forty-five minutes to land him, and during
+that time he towed me and an eighteen-foot
+boat, and the fellow I had along for
+boatman, over forty-four miles&mdash;I measured
+it afterward to be sure&mdash;and the friction
+of the reel spinning round wore my
+line down till it wasn't no thicker in places
+than a cobweb. But tunas ain't my regular
+specialty&mdash;trouts and basses are my
+special favorites; and up in the mountains
+is where I mostly do my fishing.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm just sort of hanging round now
+waiting for the snow to move out so's I can
+go up there and start fishing.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sirs, it's funny, ain't it, the way
+luck will run fishing? Oncet when I was
+living up there I fished stiddy, day in and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>
+day out, for two seasons and never got a
+bite that you could rightly call a bite. And
+then all of a sudden one afternoon the luck
+switched and in exactly forty-five minutes
+by the watch&mdash;by this here very watch I'm
+carrying now in my pocket&mdash;I ketched
+seventy-two of them big old black basses
+out of one hole; and they averaged five
+pounds apiece!"</p>
+
+<p>We looked at one another silently. A
+total of seventy-two five-pound bass in
+three-quarters of an hour seemed a little
+too much to be taken as a first dose from a
+strange practitioner. And it was hard to
+believe they had all been basses; if only
+for the sake of variety there should have
+been at least one barytone. We felt that
+we needed time for reflection&mdash;and digestion.</p>
+
+<p>Evidently realizing this, one of our number
+undertook to throw himself into the
+breach. As I recollect, this volunteer was
+the fat coffin drummer from Des Moines
+who had the round, smooth face and the
+round, bald head, and wore the fuzzy
+green hat with the bow at the back. I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+think he wore the bow there purposely&mdash;it
+simplified matters so when you were trying
+to decide which side of his head his
+face grew on. He heaved a pensive sigh
+out of his system and remarked upon the
+clearness of the air in these parts.</p>
+
+<p>"You're right there, mister," broke in
+the button-nosed man, snapping him up
+instantly. "The air is tolerable clear here
+today; but you oughter to see the air up in
+the mountains! Why, it's so clear up there
+it would make this here hill-country air
+look like a fog. I remember oncet I was
+browsing along a cliff up in that country,
+toting my fishpole, and I happened to look
+over the bluff&mdash;just so&mdash;and down below I
+saw a hole in the creek that was just crawling
+with them big trouts&mdash;steel-head trouts
+and rainbow trouts. I could see the spots
+on their sides and their fins waving, and
+their gills working up and down.</p>
+
+<p>"I figured out that it was fully a hundred
+feet down to the water and the water
+would natchelly be tolerable deep; so I let
+all my line run off the reel, a hundred and
+sixty feet of it; and I fished and fished and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>
+fished&mdash;and didn't get a strike, let alone a
+nibble. Yet I could look over and see all
+these hungry trouts down below looking up
+with expectant looks in their eyes&mdash;I could
+see their eyes&mdash;and jumping round regardless;
+and yet not a bite! So I changed bait&mdash;changed
+from live bait to dead bait, and
+back again to live&mdash;and still there wasn't
+nothing doing. So I says to myself: 'Something's
+wrong, sure! This thing'll stand
+looking into.'<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p169" id="illustration_p169"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p169.png"
+alt="IT&#39;S A GREAT THING OUT THERE TO BE A NATIVE SON"
+title="IT&#39;S A GREAT THING OUT THERE TO BE A NATIVE SON" /><br />
+<span class="caption">IT&#39;S A GREAT THING OUT THERE TO BE A NATIVE SON</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"So I snoops round and finds a place<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>
+where there's a sort of a sloping place in
+the bluff; and I braces my pole in a rock
+and leaves it there; and I climbs down&mdash;and
+then I sees what's the matter. It was
+that there clear air that had fooled me!
+It was three hundred feet if it was an inch
+down from the top of that there bluff to
+the creek, and the hole was fully a hundred
+feet deep&mdash;maybe more; and away
+down at the plumb bottom all them trouts
+was congregated in a circlelike, looking up
+mighty greedy and longing at my bait,
+which was a live frog, dangling two hundred
+and forty-odd feet up in the air. But,
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>
+speaking of clear air, that wasn't nothing
+at all compared to some other things I
+could tell you about. Another time&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>At this point I rose and escaped to the
+diner. When I got back at the end of an
+hour the other survivors told me that, up
+to the time he got off at Sacramento, the
+button-nosed man had been getting better
+and better all the time. He certainly
+ought to be rounded up and put on exhibition
+at the Fair to show those puny and
+feeble Eastern fish-liars what the incomparable
+Western climate can produce.</p>
+
+<p>I almost forgot to mention San Francisco's
+chief product&mdash;Native Sons. A Native
+Son is one who has acquired special
+merit by being born in the state. You
+would think credit would be given to the
+subject's parents, where it belongs; but, no&mdash;that
+is not the California way. It's a
+great thing out there to be a Native Son.
+It counts in politics, and in society, and at
+the clubs.</p>
+
+<p>And, after that, the next best thing is to
+be a Southerner, either by birth or descent.
+People who have Southern blood in their<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>
+veins are very proud of it and can join a
+club on the strength of it; and some of
+them do a lot of talking about it. The
+definition is rather elastic&mdash;anybody whose
+ancestors worked on the Southern Pacific
+is eligible, I think.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, there are a lot of real Southerners;
+but there are a whole lot more who&mdash;so
+it seemed to me&mdash;are giving remarkably
+realistic imitations of the type known
+in New York as the Professional Southerner.
+San Francisco excels in Southerners&mdash;the
+regular kind and the self-made kind
+both.</p>
+
+<p>I was out there too early in the year to
+meet the justly celebrated San Francisco
+flea. He's a Native Son, too; but there
+isn't so much bragging being done on his
+account.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LOOKING_FOR_LO" id="LOOKING_FOR_LO"></a><i>LOOKING FOR LO</i></h2>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p173" id="illustration_p173"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p173.png"
+alt="p173" title="p173" />
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>
+</p>
+
+<h3><i>Looking for Lo</i></h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">If</span> it is your desire to observe the Red
+Indian of the Plains engaged in his
+tribal sports and pastimes wait for the
+Wild West Show; there is sure to be one
+coming to your town before the season is
+over. Or if you are bloodthirsty by nature
+and yearn to see him prancing round upon
+the warpath, destroying the hated paleface
+and strewing the soil with his shredded
+fragments, restrain your longings until next
+fall and then arrange to take in the football
+game between Carlisle and Princeton.
+But, whatever you do, do not go journeying
+into the Far West in the hope of finding
+him in great number upon his native
+heath, for the chances are that you won't
+find him there in great number; and if you
+do he will probably be a considerable disappointment
+to you; because, unless he is<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>
+paid for it, the red brother absolutely declines
+to be picturesque.</p>
+
+<p>I am reliably informed that he is still reasonably
+numerous in Oklahoma, in North
+and South Dakota, and in Montana and
+Washington; but my itinerary did not include
+those states. I did not see a live
+Indian&mdash;that is to say, a live Indian recognizable
+as such&mdash;in Nevada or in Colorado
+or in Utah, or in a four-hour run across
+one corner of Wyoming.</p>
+
+<p>In upward of a thousand miles of travel
+through California I saw just one Indian&mdash;a
+bronze youth of perhaps twenty summers
+and, I should say, possibly half that
+many baths. He was wearing the scenario
+of a pair of overalls and a straw hat in an
+advanced state of decrepitude, and he was
+working in a truckpatch; if a native had
+not told me what he was I would have
+passed him by for a sunburnt hired hand.</p>
+
+<p>I saw a few Indians in New Mexico and
+a few more in Arizona, but not a great
+many at that; and these, as I found out
+later, were mainly engaged to linger in the
+vicinity of stations and hotels along the line<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>
+for the purpose of adding a touch of color
+to the surroundings and incidentally selling
+souvenirs to the tourists.</p>
+
+<p>Mind you, I'm not saying there are not
+plenty of Indians in those states; but they
+mostly stay on their reservations and the
+reservations unfortunately are not, as a
+rule, near the railroad stations. A traveler
+going through the average small Southern
+town sees practically the entire strength of
+the colored citizenry gathered at the depot
+and jumps at the conclusion that the population
+is from ninety to ninety-five per cent.
+black. In the West he sees maybe one little
+Indian settlement in a stretch of five or
+six hundred miles, and he figures that the
+Indian is practically an extinct species.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, though, he is not extinct. In
+these piping commercial days of acute competition
+he has no time to be gallivanting
+down to the depot every time a through
+train rolls in, especially as the depot is frequently
+eighty or ninety miles distant from
+his domicile. He is closely confined at home
+turning out souvenirs. It is a pity, too, that
+he cannot spare more of his time for this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>
+simple and inexpensive pleasure. In one
+week's study of the passing tourist breed he
+could see enough funny sights and hear
+enough funny things&mdash;unintentionally funny
+things&mdash;to keep his family entertained
+on many a long winter's evening as they
+sit peacefully in the wigwam making
+knickknacks for the Eastern trade.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p179" id="illustration_p179"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p179.png"
+alt="EACH NAVAJO SQUAW WEAVES ON AN AVERAGE NINE THOUSAND BLANKETS A YEAR"
+title="EACH NAVAJO SQUAW WEAVES ON AN AVERAGE NINE THOUSAND BLANKETS A YEAR" /><br />
+<span class="caption">EACH NAVAJO SQUAW WEAVES ON AN AVERAGE NINE THOUSAND BLANKETS A YEAR</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>No, sirree! Those Southwestern tribes<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+are far from being extinct&mdash;especially the
+Navajos. You can, in a way, approximate
+the tribal strength of the Navajos by the
+number of Navajo blankets you see. From
+Colorado to the Coast the Navajo blanket
+carpets the earth. I'll bet any amount
+within reason that in six weeks' time I saw
+ten million Navajo blankets if I saw one.
+As for other things&mdash;bows and arrows, for
+example&mdash;well, I do not wish to exaggerate;
+but had I bought all the wooden bows
+and arrows that were offered to me I could
+take them and build a rustic footbridge
+across the Delaware River at Trenton,
+with a neat handrail all the way over.
+Taking the figures of the last census as a
+working basis I calculate that each Navajo
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>
+squaw weaves, on an average, nine thousand
+blankets a year; and while she is
+so engaged her husband, the metal worker
+of the establishment, is producing a couple
+of tons of silver bracelets set with turquoises.
+For prolixity of output I know of
+no female in the entire animal kingdom
+that can compare with the Navajo squaw&mdash;unless
+it is the lady Potomac shad.</p>
+
+<p>Right here I wish to claim one proud
+distinction: I went from the Atlantic to
+the Pacific and back again&mdash;and I did
+not buy a single blanket! Since the return
+of the Lewis &amp; Clark expedition I am
+probably the only white person who has
+ever done this. Goodness knows the call
+was strong enough and the opportunities
+abundant enough; blankets were available
+for my inspection at every railroad station,
+at every hotel, and at every one of two
+hundred thousand souvenir stores that I
+encountered&mdash;but I was under orders from
+headquarters.</p>
+
+<p>As we were bidding farewell to our
+family before starting West, our wife said
+to us in firm, decided accents: "I have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>
+already picked out a place where we can
+hide the Cheyenne war-bonnet. We can
+get rid of the moccasins and the stone
+hatchets and the beadwork breastplates by
+storing them in a trunk up in the attic.
+But do not bring a Navajo blanket back
+to this already crowded establishment!" So
+we restrained ourselves. But it was a hard
+struggle and took a heroic effort.</p>
+
+<p>I recall one blanket, done in gray and
+black and red and white, and decorated
+with the figures of the Thunder Bird and
+the Swastika, the Rising Sun and the Jig
+Saw, and other Indian signs, symbols and
+emblems. It was with the utmost difficulty
+that I wrenched myself away from
+the vicinity of this treasure. And then,
+when I got back home, feeling proud
+as Punch over having withstood temptation
+in all its forms, almost the first words
+I heard, spoken in tones of deep disappointment,
+were these: "Well, why didn't
+you bring a Navajo blanket for the den?
+You know we've always wanted one!"
+Wasn't that just like a woman?</p>
+
+<p>Though I refrained from seeking bar<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>gains
+in the blankets of the aborigine, I
+sought diligently enough for the aborigine
+himself. I had my first glimpse of him
+in Northern New Mexico just after we
+had come down out of Colorado. Accompanied
+by his lady, he was languidly reposing
+on the platform in front of a depot,
+with his wares tastefully arranged at
+his feet. As a concession to the acquired
+ideals of the Eastern visitor he had a red
+sofa tidy draped round his shoulders, and
+there was a tired-looking hen-feather
+caught negligently in his back hair; and
+his squaw displayed ornamented leggings
+below the hems of her simple calico walking
+skirt. But these adornments, I gathered,
+constituted the calling costume, so to
+speak.</p>
+
+<p>When at home in his village the universal
+garment of the Pueblo male is the
+black sateen shirt of commerce. He puts
+it on and wears it until it is taken up by
+absorption, and then it is time to put on
+another. These shirts do not require washing;
+but, among the best Pueblo families,
+I understand it is customary&mdash;once in so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>
+often&mdash;to have them searched. And thus
+is the wild life of the West kept down.</p>
+
+<p>Farther along the line, in Arizona, we
+met the Hopi and the Navajo&mdash;delegations
+from both of these tribes having been imported
+from the reservations to give an
+added touch of picturesqueness to the principal
+hotel of the Grand Ca&ntilde;on. The
+Hopi, who excels at snake dancing and pottery
+work, is a mannerly little chap; and
+his daughter, with her hair done up in
+elaborate whorl effects in fancied imitation
+of the squash blossom&mdash;the squash being
+the Hopi emblem of purity&mdash;is a decidedly
+attractive feature of the landscape.</p>
+
+<p>The Hopi women are industrious little
+bodies, clever at basket weaving&mdash;and the
+men work, too, when not engaged in attending
+lodge; for the Hopis are the ritualists
+of the Southwest, and every Hopi
+is a confirmed joiner. Their secret societies
+exist to-day, uncorrupted and unchanged,
+just as they have survived for
+hundreds and perhaps thousands of years.
+In the Hopi House at Grand Ca&ntilde;on there
+is a reproduction of a kiva or underground<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>
+temple. It isn't underground&mdash;it is located
+upstairs; but in all other regards it is
+supposed to conform exactly to one of the
+real ceremonial chambers of the Hopis.
+The dried-mud walls are covered thickly
+with symbolic devices, painted on; and
+there is an altar tricked out with totems
+of the Powamu clan, one of the biggest of
+these societies.</p>
+
+<p>Just in front of the altar, with its wooden
+figures of the War God, the God of Growing
+Things, and the God of Thunder, is
+a sand painting set in the floor like a
+mosaic. When one of the clans is getting
+ready for a service the official high priest
+or medicine man of that particular clan
+sprinkles clean brown sand upon the flat
+earth before the altar and upon this foundation,
+by trickling between his thumb and
+forefinger tiny streams of sands of other
+colors, he makes the mystic figures that he
+worships. After the rites are over he obliterates
+the design with his hand, leaving
+the space bare for the next clan.</p>
+
+<p>In the Hopi House at Grand Ca&ntilde;on a
+sand painting sacred to the Antelope clan<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>
+is preserved under glass for the benefit of
+visitors. The manager of the establishment,
+a Mr. Smith, who has spent most
+of his life among the tribes of Arizona,
+told us a story about this.</p>
+
+<p>Two years ago this summer, a party of
+Mystic Shriners on an excursion visited
+the ca&ntilde;on. Mr. Smith chaperoned one
+group of them on their tour through the
+Hopi House. In the sand painting of the
+kiva they seemed to find something that
+particularly interested them. They put
+their heads together, talking in undertones
+and pointing&mdash;so Smith said&mdash;first at one
+design and then at another. An old Hopi
+buck, a priest of the Antelope clan, was
+lounging in the low doorway watching
+them. What the Shriners said to one another
+could have had no significance for
+him, even admitting that he heard them,
+for he did not understand a word of English;
+but suddenly he reached forth a withered
+hand and plucked Smith by the sleeve.
+I am letting Smith tell the rest of the tale
+just as he told it to us:</p>
+
+<p>"The Hopi pointed to one of the Shrin<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>ers,
+an elderly man who came, I think,
+from somewhere in Illinois, and in his
+own tongue he said to me: 'That man with
+the white hair is a Hopi&mdash;and he is a
+member of my clan!' I said to him: 'You
+speak foolishness&mdash;that man comes from the
+East and never until to-day saw a Hopi
+in his whole life!' The medicine man
+showed more excitement than I ever saw
+an Indian show.</p>
+
+<p>"'You are lying to me!' he said. 'That
+white-haired man is a Hopi, or else his
+people long ago were Hopis.' I laughed
+at him and that ruffled his dignity and he
+turned away, and I couldn't get another
+word out of him.</p>
+
+<p>"As the Shriners were passing out I
+halted the white-haired man and said to
+him: 'The Hopi medicine man insists that
+you are a Hopi and that you know something
+about his clan.' 'Well,' he said, 'I'm
+no Hopi; but I think I do know something
+about some of the things he seems to revere.
+Where is this medicine man?'</p>
+
+<p>"I pointed to where the old Indian was
+squatted in a corner, sulking; he walked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>
+right over to him and motioned to him,
+and the Hopi got up and they went into
+the kiva together. I do not know what
+passed between them&mdash;certainly no words
+passed&mdash;but in about ten minutes the
+Shriner came out, and he had a puzzled
+look on his face.</p>
+
+<p>"'I've just had the most wonderful experience,'
+he said to me, 'that I've ever had
+in my whole life. Of course that Indian
+isn't a Mason, but in a corrupted form he
+knows something about Masonry; and
+where he learned it I can't guess. Why,
+there are lodges in this country where I
+actually believe he could work his way
+in.'"</p>
+
+<p>Not being either a Mason or a Hopi,
+I cannot undertake to vouch for the story
+or to contradict it; but Smith has the reputation
+of being a truthful man.</p>
+
+<p>The Navajos are the aristocrats of the
+Southwestern country. They are dignified,
+cleanly in their personal habits, and orderly;
+and they are wonderful artisans.
+In addition to being wonderful weavers
+and excellent silversmiths, they shine at<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>
+agriculture and at stock raising and sheep
+raising. They are born horse-traders, too,
+and at driving a bargain it is said a buck
+Navajo can spot a Scotchman five balls
+any time and beat him out; but they have
+the name of being absolutely honest and
+absolutely truthful.</p>
+
+<p>This same Mr. Smith, who has lived
+several years on the Navajo reservation and
+who is an adopted member of the tribe,
+took several of us to pay a formal call
+upon a Navajo subchief, who spends the
+tourist season at the Grand Ca&ntilde;on. The
+old chap, long-haired and the color of a
+prime smoke-cured ham, received us with
+perfect courtesy into his winter residence,
+the same being a circular hut contrived
+by overlapping timbers together in a kind
+of basket design and then coating the logs
+inside and out with adobe clay.</p>
+
+<p>The place was clean and free from all
+unpleasant odors. In the middle of the
+floor a fire burned, the smoke escaping
+through a hole in the roof. At one side
+was the primitive forge, where the head
+of the house worked in metals; and against<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>
+the far wall his squaw was hunkered down,
+weaving a blanket on her wooden loom.
+A couple of his young offspring were
+playing about, dressed simply in their little
+negligee-strings. The mud walls were
+hung with completed blankets. Long,
+stringy strips of dried beef and mutton&mdash;the
+national dishes of the tribe&mdash;were
+dangling from cross-pieces overhead; and
+on a rug upon the earthen floor lay a glittering
+pile of bracelets and brooches that
+had been made by the old man out of
+Mexican dollars. When we came away,
+after spending fifteen minutes or so as their
+guests, the whole family came with us;
+but the old man tarried a minute to fasten
+a small brass padlock through a hasp upon
+his wattled wooden door.</p>
+
+<p>"Up on the reservation, away from the
+railroads and the towns, there are no locks
+upon the doors," Smith said.</p>
+
+<p>"Why is that?" I asked.</p>
+
+<p>Smith grinned. "I'll tell the old man
+what you said and let him answer."</p>
+
+<p>He clucked in guttural monosyllables to
+the chief, and the chief clucked back<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>
+briefly, meanwhile eyeing me with a whimsical
+squint out of his puckered old eyes.
+And then Smith translated:</p>
+
+<p>"Why should we lock our doors in the
+place where we live? There are no white
+men there!"</p>
+
+<p>I will confess that as a representative of
+the dominant Caucasian stock I had, for
+the moment, no apt reply ready. Later I
+thought of a very fitting retort, which undoubtedly
+would have flattened that impertinent
+Indian as flat as a flounder;
+unfortunately, though, it only came to me
+after several days of study, and by that time
+I was upward of a thousand miles away
+from him. But I am saving it to use on
+him the next time I go back to the Grand
+Ca&ntilde;on. No mere Indian can slander our
+race, even if he is telling the truth&mdash;not
+while I'm around!</p>
+
+<p>Down in Southern California I rather
+figured on finding a large swarm of Mission
+Indians clustering about every Mission;
+but, alas! they weren't there, either.
+We saw a few worshipers and plenty of
+tourists, but no Indians&mdash;at least, I didn't<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>
+see any personally. There is something
+wonderfully impressive about a first trip
+to any one of those old gray churches;
+everything about it is eloquent with memories
+of that older civilization which this
+Western country knew long before the Celt
+and the Anglo-Saxon breeds came over the
+Divide and down the Pacific Slope, filled
+with their lust for gold and lands, craving
+ever more power and more territory over
+which to float the Stars and Stripes.</p>
+
+<p>The vanished day of the Spaniard now
+lives only within the walls of the early
+Missions, but it invests them with that
+added veneration which attaches to whatever
+is old and traditional and historic.
+We haven't a great deal that is very old
+in our own country; maybe that explains
+why we fuss over it so when we come
+across it in Europe.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p193" id="illustration_p193"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p193.png"
+alt="AS SHE LEVELED THE LENS A YELL WENT UP FROM SOMEWHERE"
+title="AS SHE LEVELED THE LENS A YELL WENT UP FROM SOMEWHERE" /><br />
+<span class="caption">AS SHE LEVELED THE LENS A YELL WENT UP FROM SOMEWHERE</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>There is one Mission which in itself, it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>
+seemed to me, is almost worth a trip clear
+across the continent to see&mdash;the one at Santa
+Barbara. It is up the side of a gentle
+foothill, with the mountains of the Coast
+Range behind it. Down below the roofs
+and spires of a brisk little city show
+through green clumpage, and still farther
+beyond the blue waters of the Pacific may
+be seen.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Parts of this Mission are comparatively
+new; there are retouchings and restorations
+that date back only sixty or seventy years,
+but most of it speaks to you of an earlier
+century than this and an earlier race than
+the one that now peoples the land. You
+pass through walls of solid masonry that
+are sixteen feet thick and pierced by narrow
+passages; you climb winding stairs to
+a squat tower where sundry cracked brazen
+bells, the gifts of Spanish gentlemen who
+died a hundred years ago perhaps, swing
+by withes of ancient rawhide from great,
+worm-gnawed, hand-riven beams; you walk
+through the Mission burying-ground, past
+crumbly old family vaults with half-obliterated
+names and titles and dates upon
+their ovenlike fronts, and you wander at
+will among the sunken individual graves
+under the palms and pepper trees.</p>
+
+<p>Most convincing of all to me were the
+stone-flagged steps at the door of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span>
+church itself, for they are all worn down
+like the teeth of an old horse&mdash;in places
+they are almost worn in two. Better than
+any guidebook patter of facts and figures&mdash;better
+than the bells and the graves and
+the hand-made beams&mdash;these steps convey
+to the mind a sense of age.</p>
+
+<p>You stand and look at them, and you
+see there the tally of vanished generations&mdash;the
+heavy boot of the conquistador; the
+sandaled foot of the old padre; the high
+heel of a dainty Spanish-born lady; the
+bare, horny sole of the Indian convert&mdash;each
+of them taking its tiny toll out of
+stone and mortar&mdash;each of them wearing
+away its infinitesimal mite&mdash;until through
+years and years the firm stone was scored
+away and channeled out and left at it is
+now, with curves in it and deep hollows.</p>
+
+<p>Given a dime's worth of imagination to
+start on, almost any one could people that
+spot with the dead-and-gone figures of that
+shadowy past; could forget the trolley cars
+curving right up to the walls; the electric
+lights strung in globular festoons along the
+ancient ceilings of the porticoes; the roofs<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>
+of the new, shiny modern bungalows dotting
+the gentle slopes below&mdash;could forget
+even that the brown-cowled, rope-girthed
+father who served as guide spoke with a
+strong German accent; could almost forgive
+the impious driver of the rig that
+brought one here for referring to this place
+as the Mish. But be sure there would be
+one thing to bring you hurtling back again
+to earth, no matter how far aloft your fancy
+soared&mdash;and that would be the ever-present
+souvenir-collecting tourist, to whom no
+shrine is holy and no memory is sacred.</p>
+
+<p>There is no charge for admission to the
+Mission. All comers, regardless of breed
+or creed, are welcomed; and on constant
+duty is a gentle-voiced priest, ready to lead
+the way to the inner rooms where priceless
+relics of the day when the Spaniards first
+came to California are displayed; and into
+the church itself, with its candles burning
+before the high altar and the quaint old
+holy pictures ranged thick upon the walls;
+and through the burying-ground&mdash;and to
+all the rest of it; and for this service there
+is nothing to pay. On departing the vis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>itor,
+if he chooses, may leave a coin behind;
+but he doesn't have to&mdash;it isn't compulsory.</p>
+
+<p>There is a kind of traveler who repays
+this hospitality by defiling the walls with
+his inconsequential name, scratched in or
+scrawled on, and by toting away as a souvenir
+whatever portable object he can confiscate
+when nobody is looking. Up in the
+bell tower the masonry is all defaced and
+pocked where these vandals have dug at it
+with pocketknives; and as we were coming
+away, one of them&mdash;a typical specimen&mdash;showed
+me with deep pride half of a brick
+pouched in his coat pocket. It seemed that
+while the priest's back was turned he had
+pried it loose from the frilled ornamentation
+of a vault in the burying-ground at the
+cost only of his self-respect&mdash;admitting that
+he had any of that commodity in stock&mdash;and
+a broken thumbnail. It was, indeed,
+a priceless treasure and he valued it accordingly.
+And yet, at a distance of ten
+feet in an ordinary light, no one not in the
+secret could have said offhand whether
+that half-brick came out of a Mission tomb<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>
+in California or a smokehouse in Arkansas.</p>
+
+<p>We didn't see any Indians when we ran
+down into Mexico. However, we only
+ran into Mexico for a distance of a mile
+and a half below the California state
+boundary, and maybe that had something
+to do with it. By automobile we rode
+from San Diego over to the town of Tia
+Juana, signifying, in our tongue, Aunt
+Jane. Ramona, heroine of Helen Hunt
+Jackson's famous novel, had an aunt called
+Jane. I guess they had a grudge against
+the lady; they named this town after her.</p>
+
+<p>Selling souvenirs to tourists, who come
+daily on sightseeing coaches from Coronado
+Beach and San Diego, is the principal
+pastime of the natives of Tia Juana.
+Weekdays they do this; and sometimes on
+a Sunday afternoon they have a bullfight
+in their little bullring. On such an occasion
+the bullfighting outfit is specially imported
+from one of the larger towns farther
+inland. Sometimes the whole troupe comes
+from Juarez and puts on a regular metropolitan
+production, with the original all-star
+cast. There is the gallant performer<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>
+known as the armadilla, who teases the bull
+to desperation by waving a red shawl at
+him; the no less daring parabola, sticking
+little barbed boleros in the bull's withers;
+and, last of all, the intrepid mantilla, who
+calmly meets the final rush of the infuriated
+beast and, with one unerring thrust
+of his trusty sword, delivers the porte-coch&egrave;re,
+or fatal stroke, just behind the
+left shoulder-blade, while all about the
+assembled peons and pianolas rend the ambient
+air with their delighted cry: <i>"Hoi
+Polloi! Hoi Polloi! Dolce far niente!"</i></p>
+
+<p>Isn't it remarkable how readily the seasoned
+tourist masters the difficulties of a
+foreign language? Before I had been in
+Mexico an hour I had picked up the intricate
+phraseology of the bullfight; and I
+was glad afterward that I took the trouble
+to get it all down in my mind correctly,
+because such knowledge always comes in
+handy. You can use it with effect in company&mdash;it
+stamps you as a person of culture
+and travel&mdash;and it impresses other people;
+but then I always could pick up foreign
+languages easily. I do not wish to boast&mdash;but
+with me it amounts to a positive gift.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It was a weekday when we visited Tia
+Juana, and so there was no bullfight going
+on; in fact, there didn't seem to be much
+of anything going on. Once in a while
+a Spigotty lady would pass, closely followed
+by a couple of little Spigots, and
+occasionally the postmaster would wake up
+long enough to accept a sheaf of postcards
+from a tourist and then go right back
+to sleep again. We had sampled the tamales
+of the country, finding them only
+slightly inferior to the same article as sold
+in Kansas City, Kansas; and we had drifted&mdash;three
+of us&mdash;into a Mexican caf&eacute;. It was
+about ten feet square and was hung with
+chromos furnished by generous Milwaukee
+brewers and other decorations familiar to
+all who have ever visited a crossroads bar-room
+on our own side of the line. Bottled
+beer appeared to be the one best bet in
+the drinking line, and the safest one, too;
+but somehow I hated&mdash;over here upon the
+soil of another country&mdash;to be calling for
+the domestic brews of our own St. Louis!
+Personally I desired to conform my thirst
+to the customs of the country&mdash;only I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>
+didn't know what to ask for. I had learned
+the bullfighting language, but I hadn't
+progressed very far beyond that point.
+While I was deliberating a Mexican came
+in and said something in Spanish to the
+barkeeper and the barkeeper got a bottle
+of a clear, almost colorless fluid out from
+under the counter and poured him a sherry
+glassful of it. So then, by means of a gesture
+that is universal and is understood in
+all climes, I indicated to the barkeeper
+that I would take a little of the same.</p>
+
+<p>The moment, though, that I had swallowed
+it I realized I had been too hasty.
+It was mescal&mdash;an explosive in liquid form
+that is brewed or stilled or steeped, or
+something, from the juices of a certain
+variety of cactus, according to a favorite
+family prescription used by Old Nick several
+centuries ago when he was residing
+in this section. For its size and complexion
+I know of nothing that is worthy to be
+mentioned in the same breath with mescal,
+unless it is the bald-faced hornet of the
+Sunny South. It goes down easily enough&mdash;that
+is not the trouble&mdash;but as soon as it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span>
+gets down you have the sensation of having
+swallowed a comet.</p>
+
+<p>As I said before, I didn't see any Indians
+in Old Mexico, but if I had taken one more
+swig of the national beverage I am satisfied
+that not only would I have seen a great
+number of them, but, with slight encouragement,
+might have been one myself. For
+the purpose of assuaging the human thirst
+I would say that it is a mistake on the
+part of a novice to drink mescal&mdash;he should
+begin by swallowing a lighted kerosene
+lamp for practice and work up gradually;
+but the experience was illuminating as
+tending to make me understand why the
+Mexicans are so prone to revolutions. A
+Mexican takes a drink of mescal before
+breakfast, on an empty stomach, and then
+he begins to revolute round regardless.</p>
+
+<p>On leaving Tia Juana we stopped to view
+the fort, which was the principal attraction
+of the place. It was located in the outskirts
+just back of the cluster of adobe
+houses and frame shacks that made up the
+town. The fort proper consisted of a mud
+wall about three feet high, inclosing per<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>haps
+half an acre of bare clayey soil. Outside
+the wall was a moat, upward of a foot
+deep, and inside was a barrack. This barrack&mdash;I
+avoid using the plural purposely&mdash;was
+a wooden shanty that had been whitewashed
+once, but had practically recovered
+from it since; and its walls were pierced&mdash;for
+artillery-fire, no doubt&mdash;with two windows,
+to the frames of which a few fragments
+of broken glass still adhered. Overhead
+the flag of the republic was flying;
+and every half-minute, so it seemed to us,
+a drum would beat and a bugle would
+blow and the garrison would turn out, looking&mdash;except
+for their guns&mdash;very much like
+a squad of district-telegraph messengers.
+They would evolute across the parade
+ground a bit and then retire to quarters
+until the next call to arms should sound.</p>
+
+<p>We could not get close enough to ascertain
+what all the excitement was about,
+because they would not let us. We were
+not allowed to venture within fifty yards of
+the outer breastworks, or kneeworks; and
+even then, so the village authorities warned
+us, we must keep moving. A woman cam<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>era
+fiend from Coronado was along, and
+she unlimbered her favorite instrument
+with the idea of taking a few snapshots
+of this martial scene.</p>
+
+<p>As she leveled the lens a yell went up
+from somewhere, and out of the barrack
+and over the wall came skipping a little
+officer, leaving a trail of inflammatory
+Spanish behind him in a way to remind
+you of the fireman cleaning out the firebox
+of the Through Limited. He was not
+much over five feet tall and his shabby
+little uniform needed the attention of the
+dry cleanser, but he carried a sword and
+two pistols, and wore a brass gorget at his
+throat, a pair of huge epaulets and a belt;
+and he had gold braid and brass buttons
+spangled all over his sleeves and the front
+of his coat, and a pair of jingling spurs
+were upon his heels. There was a long
+feather in his cap, too&mdash;and altogether, for
+his size, he was most impressive to behold.
+He charged right up to the abashed camera
+lady and, through an interpreter, explained
+to her that it was strictly against the rules
+to permit a citizen of a foreign power to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>
+make any pictures of the fortifications whatsoever.
+He appeared to nurse a horrid
+fear that the secret of the fortifications
+might become known above the line, and
+that some day, armed with this information,
+the Boy Scouts or a Young Ladies' High
+School might swoop down and capture the
+whole works. He explained to the lady,
+that, much as he regretted it, if she persisted
+in her suspicious and spylike conduct,
+he would have to smash her camera for
+her. So she desisted.</p>
+
+<p>The little officer and his merry men had
+ample reason for being a mite nervous just
+then. Their country was in the midst of its
+spring revolution. The Madero family had
+just been thinned out pretty extensively,
+and it was not certain yet whether the Diaz
+faction or the Huerta faction, or some other
+faction, would come out on top. Besides,
+these gallant guardians of the frontier were
+a long way from headquarters and in no
+position to figure out in advance which
+way the national cat would jump next. All
+they knew was that she was jumping.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><a name="illustration_p207" id="illustration_p207"></a></p>
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/illustration_p207.png"
+alt="AS THE OCCUPANTS SPILLED SPRAWLINGLY THROUGH THE GAP, A FRONT TIRE EXPLODED WITH A LOUD REPORT"
+title="AS THE OCCUPANTS SPILLED SPRAWLINGLY THROUGH THE GAP, A FRONT TIRE EXPLODED WITH A LOUD REPORT" /><br />
+<span class="caption">AS THE OCCUPANTS SPILLED SPRAWLINGLY THROUGH THE GAP, A FRONT TIRE EXPLODED WITH A LOUD REPORT</span>
+</div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Every morning, so we heard, they were
+taking a vote to decide whether they would
+be Federalists that day or Liberalists, or
+what not; and the vote was invested with a
+good deal of personal interest, too, because
+there was no telling when a superior force
+might arrive from the interior; and if they
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>
+had happened to vote wrong that day there
+was always the prospect of their being
+backed up against a wall, with nothing
+to look at except a firing squad and a row
+of newmade graves.</p>
+
+<p>We were told that one morning, about
+three or four weeks before the date of our
+visit, the garrison had been in the barrack
+casting their usual ballot. They were
+strong Huertaists that morning&mdash;it was
+Viva Huerta! all the way. Just about the
+time the vote was being announced a couple
+of visiting Americans in an automobile
+came down the road flanking the fort.
+There had been a rain and the road was
+slippery with red mud. As the driver took
+the turn at the corner his wheels began
+skidding and he lost control. The car
+skewed off at a tangent, hurdled the moat,
+and tore a hole in the mud wall; and, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>
+the occupants spilled sprawlingly through
+the gap, a front tire exploded with a loud
+report. The garrison took just one look
+out the front door, jumped to the conclusion
+that the Villa crowd had arrived and
+were shooting automobiles at them, and
+unanimously adjourned by the back way
+into the woods. Some of them did not get
+back until the shades of night had descended
+upon the troubled land.</p>
+
+<p>Such is military life in our sister republic
+in times of war, and yet they sometimes
+have a very realistic imitation of the real
+thing over there. Revolution before last
+there were two separate engagements in
+this little town of Tia Juana. A lot of
+belligerents were killed and a good many
+more were wounded.</p>
+
+<p>In an iron letter box in front of the
+post-office we saw a round hole where a
+steel-jacketed bullet had passed through
+after first passing through a prominent
+citizen. We did not see this citizen. It
+became necessary to bury him shortly after
+the occurrence referred to.</p>
+
+<p>In vain I sought the red brother on my<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>
+saunterings through California. In San
+Francisco I once thought I had him treed.
+On Pacific Street, a block ahead of me, I
+saw a group of pedestrians, wrapped in
+loose flowing garments of many colors.
+Even at that distance I could make out
+that they were dark-skinned and had long
+black hair. I said to myself: "It is probable
+that these persons are connected with
+Doctor Somebody's Medicine Show; but
+I don't care if they are. They are Indians&mdash;more
+Indians than I have seen in one
+crowd at one time since Buffalo Bill was
+at Madison Square Garden last spring. I
+shall look them over."</p>
+
+<p>So I ran and caught up with them&mdash;but
+they were not Indians. They were genuine
+Egyptian acrobats, connected with a
+traveling carnival company. When Moses
+transmitted the divine command to the
+Children of Israel that they should spoil
+the Egyptians, the Children of Israel certainly
+did a mighty thorough job of it.
+That was several thousand years ago and
+those Egyptians I saw were still spoiled.
+I noticed it as soon as I got close to them.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In Salt Lake City I saw half a dozen
+Indians, but in a preserved form only.
+They were on display in a museum devoted
+to relics of the early days. In my opinion
+Indians do not make very good preserves,
+especially when they have been in stock
+a long time and have become shopworn, as
+was the case with these goods. Personally,
+I would not care to invest. Besides, there
+was no telling how old they were. They
+had been dug out, mummified, from the
+cliff-dwellers' ruins in the southern part of
+the state, along with their household goods,
+their domestic utensils, their weapons of
+war and their ornaments; and there they
+were laid out in glass cases for modern eyes
+to see. There were plenty of other interesting
+exhibits in this museum, including
+several of Brigham Young's suits of clothes.
+For a man busied with statecraft and military
+affairs and domestic matters, Brigham
+Young must have changed clothes pretty
+often. I couldn't keep from wondering how
+a man with a family like his was found the
+time for it.</p>
+
+<p>To my mind the most interesting relic<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>
+in the whole collection was the spry octogenarian
+who acted as guide and showed us
+through the place&mdash;for he was one of the
+few living links between the Old West and
+the New. As a boy-convert to Mormonism
+he came across the desert with the second
+expedition that fled westward from Gentile
+persecution after Brigham Young had
+blazed the trail. He was a pony express
+rider in the days of the overland mail service.
+He was also an Indian fighter&mdash;one
+of the trophies he showed was a scalp of
+his own raising practically, he having been
+present when it was raised by a friendly
+Indian scout from the head of the hostile
+who originally owned it&mdash;and he had lived
+in Salt Lake City when it was a collection
+of log shanties within the walls of a wooden
+stockade. And now here he was, a man
+away up in his eighties, but still brisk and
+bright, piloting tourists about the upper
+floor of a modern skyscraper.</p>
+
+<p>We visited the museum after we had inspected
+the Mormon Tabernacle and had
+looked at the Mormon Temple&mdash;from the
+outside&mdash;and had seen the Beehive and the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>
+Lion House and the Eagle Gate and the
+painfully ornate mansion where Brigham
+Young kept his favorite wife, Amelia. The
+Tabernacle is famous the world over for
+its choir, its organ and its acoustics&mdash;particularly
+its acoustics. The guide, who is
+a Mormon elder detailed for that purpose,
+escorts you into the balcony, away up under
+the domed wooden roof; and as you wait
+there, listening, another elder, standing
+upon a platform two hundred feet away,
+drops an ordinary pin upon the floor&mdash;and
+you can distinctly hear it fall. At first
+you are puzzled to decide exactly what it
+sounds like; but after a while the correct
+solution comes to you&mdash;it sounds exactly
+like a pin falling. Next to the Whispering
+Gallery in the Capitol at Washington, I
+don't know of a worse place to tell your
+secrets to a friend than the Mormon Tabernacle.
+You might as well tell them to a
+woman and be done with it!</p>
+
+<p>In Salt Lake City I had rather counted
+upon seeing a Mormon out walking with
+three or four of his wives&mdash;all at one time.
+I felt that this would be a distinct novelty<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>
+to a person from New York, where the
+only show one enjoys along this line is the
+sight of a chap walking with three or four
+other men's wives&mdash;one at a time. But
+here, as in my quest for the Indian, I was
+disappointed some more. Once I thought
+I was about to score. I was standing in
+front of the Zion Co&ouml;perative Mercantile
+Establishment, which is a big department
+store owned by the Church, but having all
+the latest improvements, including bargain
+counters and special salesdays. Out of the
+door came an elderly gentleman attired in
+much broadcloth and many whiskers, and
+behind him trailed half a dozen soberly
+dressed women of assorted ages.</p>
+
+<p>Filled with hope, I fell in behind the
+procession and followed it across to the
+hotel. There I learned the disappointing
+truth. The broadclothed person was not a
+Mormon at all.</p>
+
+<p>He was a country bank president from
+somewhere back East and the women of
+his party were Ohio school-teachers. Anywhere
+except in Utah I doubt if he could
+have fooled me, either, for he had the kind<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>
+of whiskers that go with the banking profession.
+For some reason whiskers are
+associated with the practice of banking all
+over this country; hallowed by custom,
+they have come to stand for financial responsibility.
+A New York banker wears
+those little jib-boom whiskers on the sides
+of his head and sometimes a pennon on
+his chin, whereas a country banker usually
+has a full-rigged face. This man's whiskers
+were of the old square barkentine cut.
+I should have known who he was by his
+sailing gear.</p>
+
+<p>And so, disappointed in my dreams of
+seeing Indians on the hoof and Mormon
+households taking the air in family groups,
+I left Salt Lake City, with its fine wide
+streets and its handsome business district
+and its pure air and its background of
+snow-topped mountains, and started on the
+long homebound hike. It was late in the
+afternoon. We had quit Utah, with its flat
+plains, its garden spots reclaimed from the
+desert, and its endless succession of trim
+red-brick farmhouses, which seem to be
+the universal dwelling-places of the prosperous
+Mormon farmer.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We had departed from the old trail that
+Mark Twain crawled over in a stage-coach
+and afterward wrote about in his
+immortal Roughing It. The Limited,
+traveling forty-odd miles an hour, was
+skipping through the lower part of Wyoming
+before turning southward into Colorado.
+We were in the midst of an expanse
+of desolation and emptiness, fifteen miles
+from anywhere, and I was sitting on the
+observation platform of the rear car, watching
+how the shafts of the setting sun made
+the colors shift and deepen in the ca&ntilde;ons
+and upon the sides of the tall red mesas,
+when I became aware that the train was
+slowing down.</p>
+
+<p>Through the car came the conductor,
+with a happy expression upon his face.
+Behind him was a pleased-looking flagman
+leading by the arm a ragged tramp who
+had been caught, up forward somewhere,
+stealing a free ride.</p>
+
+<p>The tramp was not resisting exactly, but
+at every step he said:</p>
+
+<p>"You can't put me off the train between
+stations! It's the law that you can't put
+me off the train between stations!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Neither the conductor nor the flagman
+said a word in answer. As the conductor
+reached up and jerked the bellcord the
+tramp, in the tone and manner of one who
+advances an absolutely unanswerable argument,
+said:</p>
+
+<p>"You know, don't you, you can't put me
+off the train between stations?"</p>
+
+<p>The train halted. The conductor unfastened
+a tail-gate in the guard-rail, and
+the flagman dropped his prisoner out
+through the opening. As the tramp flopped
+off into space I caught this remark:</p>
+
+<p>"You can't put me off the train between
+stations."</p>
+
+<p>The conductor tugged another signal on
+the bellcord, and the wheels began to turn
+faster and faster. The tramp picked himself
+up from between the rails. He brushed
+some adhering particles of roadbed off
+himself and, facing us, made a megaphone
+of his hands and sent a message after our
+diminishing shapes. By straining my ears
+I caught his words. He spoke as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"You can't put me off the train between
+stations!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>In my whole life I never saw a man who
+was so hard to convince of a thing as that
+tramp was.</p>
+
+<div class="tnote">
+<p>Transcriber's Note:</p>
+
+<p>Minor spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation errors have been corrected.</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
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+</body>
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+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Roughing it De Luxe
+
+Author: Irvin S. Cobb
+
+Illustrator: John T. McCutcheon
+
+Release Date: October 7, 2006 [EBook #19479]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT DE LUXE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Audrey Longhurst, Melissa Er-Raqabi and the
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+_Roughing It De Luxe_
+_By_
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: BY COMMON CONSENT WE HAD NAMED THEM CLARENCE AND
+CLARICE]
+
+
+
+
+_Roughing It De Luxe_
+_By_
+_Irvin S. Cobb_
+
+
+_Author of "Back Home,"_
+_"The Escape of Mr. Trimm," "Cobb's Anatomy,"_
+_"Cobb's Bill of Fare," etc._
+
+_Illustrated by John T. McCutcheon_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_New York_
+_George H. Doran Company_
+
+
+
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1913,
+BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY
+
+COPYRIGHT, 1914,
+BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+TO GEORGE H. DORAN, ESQ.
+MY FRIEND AND STILL MY PUBLISHER;
+MY PUBLISHER AND STILL
+MY FRIEND
+
+
+
+
+_THE TIME TABLE_
+
+                                        PAGE
+A PILGRIM CANONIZED                       15
+RABID AND HIS FRIENDS                     55
+HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CLIMATE?              97
+IN THE HAUNT OF THE NATIVE SON           135
+LOOKING FOR LO                           175
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+                                                                       PAGE
+By common consent we had named them Clarence and Clarice       Frontispiece
+Evidently he believed the conspiracy against him was widespread          21
+There was not a turkey trotter in the bunch                              35
+He'd garner in some fellows that wasn't sheep-herders                    61
+Because a man has a soul is no reason he shouldn't have an appetite      73
+He was a regular moving picture cowboy and gave general satisfaction     87
+The boy who sells you a paper and the youth who blackens your shoes
+    both show solicitude                                                101
+Out from under a rock somewhere will crawl a real estate agent          115
+He felt that he was properly dressed for the time, the place and the
+    occasion                                                            127
+Even the place where the turkey trot originated was trotless and quiet  143
+The woman nearest the wall has on her furs--it is always cool in the
+    shade                                                               155
+It's a great thing out there to be a native son                         169
+Each Navajo squaw weaves on an average nine thousand blankets a year    179
+As she leveled the lens a yell went up from somewhere                   193
+As the occupants spilled sprawlingly through the gap, a front tire
+    exploded with a loud report                                         207
+
+
+
+
+_A PILGRIM CANONIZED_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A Pilgrim Canonized
+
+
+IT is generally conceded that the Grand Canon of Arizona beggars
+description. I shall therefore endeavor to refrain from doing so. I
+realize that this is going to be a considerable contract. Nearly
+everybody, on taking a first look at the Grand Canon, comes right out
+and admits its wonders are absolutely indescribable--and then proceeds
+to write anywhere from two thousand to fifty thousand words, giving the
+full details. Speaking personally, I wish to say that I do not know
+anybody who has yet succeeded in getting away with the job.
+
+In the old days when he was doing the literature for the Barnum show,
+Tody Hamilton would have made the best nominee I can think of. Remember,
+don't you, how when Tody started in to write about the elephant
+quadrille you had to turn over to the next page to find the verb? And
+almost any one of those young fellows who write advertising folders for
+the railroads would gladly tackle the assignment; in fact, some of them
+already have--but not with any tumultuous success.
+
+In the presence of the Grand Canon, language just simply fails you and
+all the parts of speech go dead lame. When the Creator made it He failed
+to make a word to cover it. To that extent the thing is incomplete. If
+ever I run across a person who can put down on paper what the Grand
+Canon looks like, that party will be my choice to do the story when the
+Crack of Doom occurs. I can close my eyes now and see the headlines:
+Judgment Day a Complete Success! Replete with Incident and Abounding in
+Surprises--Many Wealthy Families Disappointed--Full Particulars from our
+Special Correspondent on the Spot!
+
+Starting out from Chicago on the Santa Fe, we had a full trainload. We
+came from everywhere: from peaceful New England towns full of elm trees
+and oldline Republicans; from the Middle States; and from the land of
+chewing tobacco, prominent Adam's apples and hot biscuits--down where
+the r is silent, as in No'th Ca'lina. And all of us--Northerners,
+Southerners, Easterners alike--were actuated by a common purpose--we
+were going West to see the country and rough it--rough it on overland
+trains better equipped and more luxurious than any to be found in the
+East; rough it at ten-dollar-a-day hotels; rough it by touring car over
+the most magnificent automobile roads to be found on this continent. We
+were a daring lot and resolute; each and every one of us was brave and
+blithe to endure the privations that such an expedition must inevitably
+entail. Let the worst come; we were prepared! If there wasn't any of the
+hothouse lamb, with imported green peas, left, we'd worry along on a
+little bit of the fresh shad roe, and a few conservatory cucumbers on
+the side. That's the kind of hardy adventurers we were!
+
+Conspicuous among us was a distinguished surgeon of Chicago; in fact,
+so distinguished that he has had a very rare and expensive disease
+named for him, which is as distinguished as a physician ever gets to be
+in this country. Abroad he would be decorated or knighted. Here we name
+something painful after him and it seems to fill the bill just as well.
+This surgeon was very distinguished and also very exclusive. After you
+scaled down from him, riding in solitary splendor in his drawing room,
+with kitbags full of symptoms and diagnoses scattered round, we became a
+mixed tourist outfit. I would not want to say that any of the persons on
+our train were impossible, because that sounds snobbish; but I will say
+this--some of them were highly improbable.
+
+There was the bride, who put on her automobile goggles and her
+automobile veil as soon as we pulled out of the Chicago yards and never
+took them off again--except possibly when sleeping. I presume she wanted
+to show the rest of us that she was accustomed to traveling at a high
+rate of speed. If the bridegroom had only bethought him to carry one of
+those siren horns under his arm, and had tooted it whenever we went
+around a curve, the illusion would have been complete.
+
+There was also the middle-aged lady with the camera habit. Any time the
+train stopped, or any time it behaved as though it thought of stopping,
+out on the platform would pop this lady, armed with her little
+accordion-plaited camera, with the lens focused and the little atomizer
+bulb dangling down, all ready to take a few pictures. She snapshotted
+watertanks, whistling posts, lunch stands, section houses, grade
+crossings and holes in the snowshed--also scenery, people and climate. A
+two-by-four photograph of a mountain that's a mile high must be a most
+splendid reminder of the beauties of Nature to take home with you from a
+trip.
+
+There was the conversational youth in the Norfolk jacket, who was going
+out West to fill an important vacancy in a large business house--he told
+us so himself. It was a good selection, too. If I had a vacancy that I
+wanted filled in such a way that other people would think the vacancy
+was still there, this youth would have been my candidate.
+
+[Illustration: EVIDENTLY HE BELIEVED THE CONSPIRACY AGAINST HIM WAS
+WIDESPREAD]
+
+And finally there was the corn-doctor from a town somewhere in Indiana,
+who had the upper berth in Number Ten. It seemed to take a load off his
+mind, on the second morning out, when he learned that he would not have
+to spend the day up there, but could come down and mingle with the rest
+of us on a common footing; but right up to the finish of the journey he
+was uncertain on one or two other points. Every time a conductor came
+through--Pullman conductor, train conductor or dining-car conductor--he
+would hail him and ask him this question: "Do I or do I not have to
+change at Williams for the Grand Canon?" The conductor--whichever
+conductor it was--always said, Yes, he would have to change at Williams.
+But he kept asking them--he seemed to regard a conductor as a
+functionary who would deliberately go out of his way to mislead a
+passenger in regard to an important matter of this kind. After a while
+the conductors took to hiding out from him and then he began
+cross-examining the porters, and the smoking-room attendant, and the
+baggageman, and the flagmen, and the passengers who got aboard down the
+line in Colorado and New Mexico.
+
+At breakfast in the dining car you would hear his plaintive, patient
+voice lifted. "Yes, waiter," he would say; "fry 'em on both sides,
+please. And say, waiter, do you know for sure whether we change at
+Williams for the Grand Canon?" He put a world of entreaty into it;
+evidently he believed the conspiracy against him was widespread. At
+Albuquerque I saw him leading off on one side a Pueblo Indian who was
+peddling bows and arrows, and heard him ask the Indian, as man to man,
+if he would have to change at Williams for the Grand Canon.
+
+When he was not worrying about changing at Williams he showed anxiety
+upon the subject of the proper clothes to be worn while looking at the
+Grand Canon. Among others he asked me about it. I could not help him. I
+had decided to drop in just as I was, and then to be governed by
+circumstances as they might arise; but he was not organized that way. On
+the morning of the last day, as we rolled up through the pine barrens of
+Northern Arizona toward our destination, those of us who had risen early
+became aware of a terrific struggle going on behind the shrouding
+draperies of that upper berth of his. Convulsive spasms agitated the
+green curtains. Muffled swear words uttered in a low but fervent tone
+filtered down to us. Every few seconds a leg or an arm or a head, or the
+butt-end of a suitcase, or the bulge of a valise, would show through the
+curtains for a moment, only to be abruptly snatched back.
+
+Speculation concerning the causes of these strange manifestations
+ran--as the novelists say--rife. Some thought that, overcome with
+disappointment by the discovery that we had changed at Williams in the
+middle of the night, without his knowing anything about it, he was
+having a fit all alone up there. Presently the excitement abated; and
+then, after having first lowered his baggage, our friend descended to
+the aisle and the mystery was explained. He had solved the question of
+what to wear while gazing at the Grand Canon. He was dressed in a new
+golf suit, complete--from the dinky cap to the Scotch plaid stockings.
+If ever that man visits Niagara, I should dearly love to be on hand to
+see him when he comes out to view the Falls, wearing his bathing suit.
+
+Some of us aboard that train did not seem to care deeply for the desert;
+the cactus possibly disappointed others; and the mesquit failed to give
+general satisfaction, though at a conservative estimate we passed
+through nine million miles of it. A few of the delegates from the
+Eastern seaboard appeared to be irked by the tribal dancing of the Hopi
+Indians, for there was not a turkey-trotter in the bunch, the Indian
+settlements of Arizona being the only terpsichorean centers in this
+country to which the Young Turk movement had not penetrated yet. Some
+objected to the plains because they were so flat and plainlike, and some
+to the mountains because of their exceedingly mountainous aspect; but on
+one point we all agreed--on the uniform excellence of the dining-car
+service.
+
+It is a powerfully hard thing for a man to project his personality
+across the grave. In making their wills and providing for the carrying
+on of their pet enterprises a number of our richest men have endeavored
+from time to time to disprove this; but, to date, the percentage of
+successes has not been large. So far as most of us are concerned the
+burden of proof shows that in this regard we are one with the famous
+little dog whose name was Rover--when we die, we die all over. Every big
+success represents the personality of a living man; rarely ever does it
+represent the personality of a dead man.
+
+The original Fred Harvey is dead--has been dead, in fact, for several
+years; but his spirit goes marching on across the southwestern half of
+this country. Two thousand miles from salt water, the oysters that are
+served on his dining cars do not seem to be suffering from car-sickness.
+And you can get a beefsteak measuring eighteen inches from tip to tip.
+There are spring chickens with the most magnificent bust development I
+ever saw outside of a burlesque show; and the eggs taste as though they
+might have originated with a hen instead of a cold-storage vault. If
+there was only a cabaret show going up and down the middle of the car
+during meals, even the New York passengers would be satisfied with the
+service, I think.
+
+There is another detail of the Harvey system that makes you wonder. Out
+on the desert, in a dead-gray expanse of silence and sagebrush, your
+train halts at a junction point that you never even heard of before.
+There is not much to be seen--a depot, a 'dobe cabin or so, a few frame
+shacks, a few natives, a few Indians and a few incurably languid
+Mexicans--and that is positively all there is except that, right out
+there in the middle of nowhere, stands a hotel big enough and handsome
+enough for Chicago or New York, built in the Spanish style, with wide
+patios and pergolas--where a hundred persons might perg at one time--and
+gay-striped awnings. It is flanked by flower-beds and refreshingly
+green strips of lawn, with spouting fountains scattered about.
+
+You go inside to a big, spotlessly bright dining room and get as good a
+meal as you can get anywhere on earth--and served in as good style, too.
+To the man fresh from the East, such an establishment reminds him
+vividly of the hurry-up railroad lunch places to which he has been
+accustomed back home--places where the doughnuts are dornicks and the
+pickles are fossils, and the hard-boiled egg got up out of a sick bed to
+be there, and on the pallid yellow surface of the official pie a couple
+of hundred flies are enacting Custard's Last Stand. It reminds him of
+them because it is so different. Between Kansas City and the Coast there
+are a dozen or more of these hotels scattered along the line.
+
+And so, with real food to stay you and one of Tuskegee's bright,
+straw-colored graduates to minister to your wants in the sleeper, you
+come on the morning of the third day to the Grand Canon in northern
+Arizona; you take one look--and instantly you lose all your former
+standards of comparison. You stand there gazing down the raw, red gullet
+of that great gosh-awful gorge, and you feel your self-importance
+shriveling up to nothing inside of you. You haven't an adjective left to
+your back. It makes you realize what the sensations would be of one
+little microbe lost inside of Barnum's fat lady.
+
+I think my preconceived conception of the Canon was the same conception
+most people have before they come to see it for themselves--a straight
+up-and-down slit in the earth, fabulously steep and fabulously deep;
+nevertheless merely a slit. It is no such thing.
+
+Imagine, if you can, a monster of a hollow approximately some hundreds
+of miles long and a mile deep, and anywhere from ten to sixteen miles
+wide, with a mountain range--the most wonderful mountain range in the
+world--planted in it; so that, viewing the spectacle from above, you get
+the illusion of being in a stationary airship, anchored up among the
+clouds; imagine these mountain peaks--hundreds upon hundreds of
+them--rising one behind the other, stretching away in endless, serried
+rank until the eye swims and the mind staggers at the task of trying to
+count them; imagine them splashed and splattered over with all the
+earthly colors you ever saw and a lot of unearthly colors you never saw
+before; imagine them carved and fretted and scrolled into all
+shapes--tabernacles, pyramids, battleships, obelisks, Moorish
+palaces--the Moorish suggestion is especially pronounced both in
+colorings and in shapes--monuments, minarets, temples, turrets, castles,
+spires, domes, tents, tepees, wigwams, shafts.
+
+Imagine other ravines opening from the main one, all nuzzling their
+mouths in her flanks like so many sucking pigs; for there are hundreds
+of these lesser canyons, and any one of them would be a marvel were they
+not dwarfed into relative puniness by the mother of the litter. Imagine
+walls that rise sheer and awful as the Wrath of God, and at their base
+holes where you might hide all the Seven Wonders of the Olden World and
+never know they were there--or miss them either. Imagine a trail that
+winds like a snake and climbs like a goat and soars like a bird, and
+finally bores like a worm and is gone.
+
+Imagine a great cloud-shadow cruising along from point to point, growing
+smaller and smaller still, until it seems no more than a shifting purple
+bruise upon the cheek of a mountain, and then, as you watch it, losing
+itself in a tiny rift which at that distance looks like a wrinkle in the
+seamed face of an old squaw, but which is probably a huge gash gored
+into the solid rock for a thousand feet of depth and more than a
+thousand feet of width.
+
+Imagine, way down there at the bottom, a stream visible only at certain
+favored points because of the mighty intervening ribs and chines of
+rock--a stream that appears to you as a torpidly crawling yellow worm,
+its wrinkling back spangled with tarnished white specks, but which is
+really a wide, deep, brawling, rushing river--the Colorado--full of
+torrents and rapids; and those white specks you see are the tops of
+enormous rocks in its bed.
+
+Imagine--if it be winter--snowdrifts above, with desert flowers blooming
+alongside the drifts, and down below great stretches of green verdure;
+imagine two or three separate snowstorms visibly raging at different
+points, with clear, bright stretches of distance intervening between
+them, and nearer maybe a splendid rainbow arching downward into the
+great void; for these meteorological three-ring circuses are not
+uncommon at certain seasons.
+
+Imagine all this spread out beneath the unflawed turquoise of the
+Arizona sky and washed in the liquid gold of the Arizona sunshine--and
+if you imagine hard enough and keep it up long enough you may begin, in
+the course of eight or ten years, to have a faint, a very faint and
+shadowy conception of this spot where the shamed scheme of creation is
+turned upside down and the very womb of the world is laid bare before
+our impious eyes. Then go to Arizona and see it all for yourself, and
+you will realize what an entirely inadequate and deficient thing the
+human imagination is.
+
+It is customary for the newly arrived visitor to take a ride along the
+edge of the canyon--the rim-drive, it is called--with stops at Hopi Point
+and Mohave Point and Pima Point, and other points where the views are
+supposed to be particularly good. To do this you get into a smart coach
+drawn by horses and driven by a competent young man in a khaki uniform.
+Leaving behind you a clutter of hotel buildings and station buildings,
+bungalows and tents, you go winding away through a Government forest
+reserve containing much fine standing timber and plenty more that is not
+so fine, it being mainly stunted pinon and gnarly desert growths.
+
+Presently the road, which is a fine, wide, macadamized road, skirts out
+of the trees and threads along the canyon until it comes to a rocky
+flange that juts far over. You climb out there and, instinctively
+treading lightly on your tiptoes and breathing in syncopated breaths,
+you steal across the ledge, going slowly and carefully until you pause
+finally upon the very eyelashes of eternity and look down into that
+great inverted muffin-mold of a canyon.
+
+You are at the absolute jumping-off place. There is nothing between you
+and the undertaker except six-thousand feet, more or less, of dazzling
+Arizona climate. Below you, beyond you, stretching both ways from you,
+lie those buried mountains, the eternal herds of the Lord's cattlefold;
+there are scars upon their sides, like the marks of a mighty branding
+iron, and in the distance, viewed through the vapor-waves of melting
+snow, their sides seem to heave up and down like the flanks of panting
+cattle. Half a mile under you, straight as a man can spit, are gardens
+of willows and grasses and flowers, looking like tiny green patches, and
+the tents of a camp looking like scattered playing cards; and there is a
+plateau down there that appears to be as flat as your hand and is
+seemingly no larger, but actually is of a size sufficient for the
+evolutions of a brigade of cavalry.
+
+[Illustration: THERE WAS NOT A TURKEY TROTTER IN THE BUNCH]
+
+When you have had your fill of this the guide takes you and leads
+you--you still stepping lightly to avoid starting anything--to a spot
+from which he points out to you, riven into the face of a vast
+perpendicular chasm above a cave like a monstrous door, a tremendous
+and perfect figure seven--the house number of the Almighty Himself. By
+this I mean no irreverence. If ever Jehovah chose an earthly
+abiding-place, surely this place of awful, unutterable majesty would be
+it. You move a few yards farther along and instantly the seven is
+gone--the shift of shadow upon the rock wall has wiped it out and
+obliterated it--but you do not mourn the loss, because there are still
+upward of a million things for you to look at.
+
+And then, if you have timed wisely the hour of your coming, the sun
+pretty soon goes down; and as it sinks lower and lower out of titanic
+crannies come the thickening shades, making new plays and tricks of
+painted colors upon the walls--purples and reds and golds and blues,
+ambers and umbers and opals and ochres, yellows and tans and tawnys and
+browns--and the canyon fills to its very brim with the silence of
+oncoming night.
+
+You stand there, stricken dumb, your whole being dwarfed yet
+transfigured; and in the glory of that moment you can even forget the
+gabble of the lady tourist alongside of you who, after searching her
+soul for the right words, comes right out and gives the Grand Canon her
+cordial indorsement. She pronounces it to be just perfectly lovely! But
+I said at the outset I was not going to undertake to describe the Grand
+Canon--and I'm not. These few remarks were practically jolted out of me
+and should not be made to count in the total score.
+
+Having seen the canyon--or a little bit of it--from the top, the next
+thing to do is to go down into it and view it from the sides and the
+bottom. Most of the visitors follow the Bright Angel Trail which is
+handily near by and has an assuring name. There are only two ways to do
+the inside of the Grand Canon--afoot and on mule-back. El Tovar hotel
+provides the necessary regalia, if you have not come prepared--divided
+skirts for the women and leggings for the men, a mule apiece and a guide
+to every party of six or eight.
+
+At the start there is always a lot of nervous chatter--airy persiflage
+flies to and fro and much laughing is indulged in. But it has a forced,
+strained sound, that laughter has; it does not come from the heart, the
+heart being otherwise engaged for the moment. Down a winding footpath
+moves the procession, with the guide in front, and behind him in single
+file his string of pilgrims--all as nervous as cats and some holding to
+their saddle-pommels with death-grips. Just under the first terrace a
+halt is made while the official photographer takes a picture; and when
+you get back he has your finished copy ready for you, so you can see for
+yourself just how pale and haggard and wall-eyed and how much like a
+typhoid patient you looked.
+
+The parade moves on. All at once you notice that the person immediately
+ahead of you has apparently ridden right over the wall of the canyon. A
+moment ago his arched back loomed before you; now he is utterly gone. It
+is at this point that some tourists tender their resignations--to take
+effect immediately. To the credit of the sex, be it said, the
+statistics show that fewer women quit here than men. But nearly always
+there is some man who remembers where he left his umbrella or something,
+and he goes back after it and forgets to return.
+
+In our crowd there was one person who left us here. He was a circular
+person; about forty per cent of him, I should say, rhymed with jelly. He
+climbed right down off his mule. He said:
+
+"I'm not scared myself, you understand, but I've just recalled that my
+wife is a nervous woman. She'd have a fit if she knew I was taking this
+trip! I love my wife, and for her sake I will not go down this canyon,
+dearly as I would love to." And with that he headed for the hotel. I
+wanted to go with him. I wanted to go along with him and comfort him and
+help him have his chill, and if necessary send a telegram for him to his
+wife--she was in Pittsburgh--telling her that all was well. But I did
+not. I kept on. I have been trying to figure out ever since whether this
+showed courage on my part, or cowardice.
+
+Over the ridge and down the steep declivity beyond goes your mule,
+slipping a little. He is reared back until his rump almost brushes the
+trail; he grunts mild protests at every lurching step and grips his
+shoecalks into the half-frozen path. You reflect that thousands of
+persons have already done this thing; that thousands of others--men,
+women and children--are going to do it, and that no serious accident has
+yet occurred--which is some comfort, but not much. The thought comes to
+you that, after all, it is a very bright and beautiful world you are
+leaving behind. You turn your head to give it a long, lingering
+farewell, and you try to put your mind on something cheerful--such as
+your life insurance. Then something happens.
+
+The trail, that has been slanting at a downward angle which is a trifle
+steeper than a ship's ladder, but not quite so steep perhaps as a board
+fence, takes an abrupt turn to the right. You duck your head and go
+through a little tunnel in the rock, patterned on the same general
+design of the needle's eye that is going to give so many of our
+prominent captains of industry trouble in the hereafter. And as you
+emerge on the lower side you forget all about your life-insurance papers
+and freeze to your pommel with both hands, and cram your poor cold feet
+into the stirrups--even in warm weather they'll be good and cold--and
+all your vital organs come up in your throat, where you can taste them.
+If anybody had shot me through the middle just about then he would have
+inflicted only a flesh wound.
+
+You have come out on a place where the trail clings to the sheer side of
+the dizziest, deepest chasm in the known world. One of your legs is
+scraping against the everlasting granite; the other is dangling over
+half a mile of fresh mountain air. The mule's off hind hoof grates and
+grinds on the flinty trail, dislodging a fair-sized stone that flops
+over the verge. You try to look down and see where it is going and find
+you haven't the nerve to do it--but you can hear it falling from one
+narrow ledge to another, picking up other boulders as it goes until
+there must be a fair-sized little avalanche of them cascading down. The
+sound of their roaring, racketing passage grows fainter and fainter,
+then dies almost out, and then there rises up to you from those
+unutterable depths a dull, thuddy little sound--those stones have
+reached the cellar! Then to you there comes the pleasing reflection that
+if your mule slipped and you fell off and were dashed to fragments, they
+would not be large, mussy, irregular fragments, but little teeny-weeny
+fragments, such as would not bring the blush of modesty to the cheek of
+the most fastidious.
+
+Only your mule never slips off! It is contrary to a mule's religion and
+politics, and all his traditions and precedents, to slip off. He may
+slide a little and stumble once in a while, and he may, with malice
+aforethought, try to scrape you off against the outjutting shoulders of
+the trail; but he positively will not slip off. It is not because he is
+interested in you. A tourist on the canyon's rim a simple tourist is to
+him and nothing more; but he has no intention of getting himself hurt.
+Instinct has taught that mule it would be to him a highly painful
+experience to fall a couple of thousand feet or so and light on a pile
+of rocks; and therefore, through motives that are purely selfish, he
+studiously refrains from so doing. When the Prophet of old wrote, "How
+beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him," and so on, I judge he
+had reference to a mule on a narrow trail.
+
+My mule had one very disconcerting way about him--or, rather, about her,
+for she was of the gentler sex. When she came to a particularly scary
+spot, which was every minute or so, she would stop dead still. I
+concurred in that part of it heartily. But then she would face outward
+and crane her neck over the fathomless void of that bottomless pit, and
+for a space of moments would gaze steadily downward, with a despondent
+droop of her fiddle-shaped head and a suicidal gleam in her mournful
+eyes. It worried me no little; and if I had known, at the time, that she
+had a German name it would have worried me even more, I guess. But
+either the time was not ripe for the rash act or else she abhorred the
+thought of being found dead in the company of a mere tourist, so she did
+not leap off into space, but restrained herself; and I was very grateful
+to her for it. It made a bond of sympathy between us.
+
+On you go, winding on down past the red limestone and the yellow
+limestone and the blue sandstone, which is green generally; past huge
+bat caves and the big nests of pack-rats, tucked under shelves of
+Nature's making; past stratified millions of crumbling seashells that
+tell to geologists the tale of the salt-water ocean that once on a time,
+when the world was young and callow, filled this hole brim full; and
+presently, when you have begun to piece together the tattered fringes of
+your nerves, you realize that the canyon is even more wonderful when
+viewed from within than it is when viewed from without. Also, you begin
+to notice now that it is most extensively autographed.
+
+Apparently about every other person who came this way remarked to
+himself that this canyon was practically completed and only needed his
+signature as collaborator to round it out--so he signed it and after
+that it was a finished job. Some of them brought down colored chalk and
+stencils, and marking pots, and paints and brushes, and cold chisels to
+work with, which must have been a lot of trouble, but was worth it--it
+does add so greatly to the beauty of the Grand Canon to find it spangled
+over with such names as you could hear paged in almost any dollar-a-day
+American-plan hotel. The guide pointed out a spot where one of these
+inspired authors climbed high up the face of a white cliff and, clinging
+there, carved out in letters a foot long his name; and it was one of
+those names that, inscribed upon a register, would instinctively cause
+any room clerk to reach for the key to an inside one, without bath. I
+regret to state that nothing happened to this person. He got down safe
+and sound; it was a great pity, too.
+
+By the Bright Angel Trail it is three hours on a mule to the plateau,
+where there are green summery things growing even in midwinter, and
+where the temperature is almost sultry; and it is an hour or so more to
+the riverbed, down at the very bottom. When you finally arrive there and
+look up you do not see how you ever got down, for the trail has
+magically disappeared; and you feel morally sure you are never going to
+get back. If your mule were not under you pensively craning his head
+rearward in an effort to bite your leg off, you would almost be ready to
+swear the whole thing was an optical illusion, a wondrous dream. Under
+these circumstances it is not so strange that some travelers who have
+been game enough until now suddenly weaken. Their nerves capsize and the
+grit runs out of them like sand out of an overturned pail.
+
+All over this part of Arizona they tell you the story of the lady from
+the southern part of the state--she was a school teacher and the story
+has become an epic--who went down Bright Angel one morning and did not
+get back until two o'clock the following morning; and then she came
+against her will in a litter borne by two tired guides, while two
+others walked beside her and held her hands; and she was protesting at
+every step that she positively could not and would not go another inch;
+and she was as hysterical as a treeful of chickadees; her hat was lost,
+and her glasses were gone, and her hair hung down her back, and
+altogether she was a mournful sight to see.
+
+Likewise the natives will tell you the tale of a man who made the trip
+by crawling round the more sensational corners upon his hands and knees;
+and when he got down he took one look up to where, a sheer mile above
+him, the rim of the canyon showed, with the tall pine trees along its
+edge looking like the hairs upon a caterpillar's back, and he announced
+firmly that he wished he might choke if he stirred another step. Through
+the miraculous indulgence of a merciful providence he was down, and that
+was sufficient for him; he wasn't going to trifle with his luck. He
+would stay down until he felt good and rested, and then he would return
+to his home in dear old Altoona by some other route. He was very
+positive about it. There were two guides along, both of them patient and
+forbearing cowpunchers, and they argued with him. They pointed that
+there was only one suitable way for him to get out of the canyon, and
+that was the way by which he had got into it.
+
+"The trouble with you fellows," said the man, "is that you are too
+dad-blamed technical. The point is that I'm here, and here I'm going to
+stay."
+
+"But," they told him, "you can't stay here. You'd starve to death like
+that poor devil that some prospectors found in that gulch yonder--turned
+to dusty bones, with a pack rat's nest in his chest and a rock under his
+head. You'd just naturally starve to death."
+
+"There you go again," he said, "importing these trivial foreign matters
+into the discussion. Let us confine ourselves to the main issue, which
+is that I am not going back. This rock shall fly from its firm base as
+soon as I," he said, or words to that effect.
+
+So insisting, he sat down, putting his own firm base against the said
+rock, and prepared to become a permanent resident. He was a grown man
+and the guides were less gentle with him than they had been with the
+lady school teacher. They roped his arms at the elbows and hoisted him
+upon a mule and tied his legs together under the mule's belly, and they
+brought him out of there like a sack of bran--only he made more noise
+than any sack of bran has ever been known to make.
+
+Coming back up out of the Grand Canon is an even more inspiring and
+amazing performance than going down. But by now--anyhow this was my
+experience, and they tell me it is the common experience--you are
+beginning to get used to the sensation of skirting along the raw and
+ragged verge of nothing. Narrow turns where, going down, your hair
+pushed your hat off, no longer affright you; you take them
+jauntily--almost debonairly. You feel that you are now an old
+mountain-scaler, and your soul begins to crave for a trip with a few
+more thrills to the square inch in it. You get your wish. You go down
+Hermit Trail, which its middle name is thrills; and there you make the
+acquaintance of the Hydrophobic Skunk.
+
+The Hydrophobic Skunk is a creature of such surpassing accomplishments
+and vivid personality that I feel he is entitled to a new chapter. The
+Hydrophobic Skunk will be continued in our next.
+
+
+
+
+_RABID AND HIS FRIENDS_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Rabid and His Friends_
+
+
+THE Hydrophobic Skunk resides at the extreme bottom of the Grand Canon
+and, next to a Southern Republican who never asked for a Federal office,
+is the rarest of living creatures. He is so rare that nobody ever saw
+him--that is, nobody except a native. I met plenty of tourists who had
+seen people who had seen him, but never a tourist who had seen him with
+his own eyes. In addition to being rare, he is highly gifted.
+
+I think almost anybody will agree with me that the common, ordinary
+skunk has been most richly dowered by Nature. To adorn a skunk with any
+extra qualifications seems as great a waste of the raw material as
+painting the lily or gilding refined gold. He is already amply equipped
+for outdoor pursuits. Nobody intentionally shoves him round; everybody
+gives him as much room as he seems to need. He commands respect--nay,
+more than that, respect and veneration--wherever he goes. Joy-riders
+never run him down and foot passengers avoid crowding him into a corner.
+You would think Nature had done amply well by the skunk; but no--the
+Hydrophobic Skunk comes along and upsets all these calculations. Besides
+carrying the traveling credentials of an ordinary skunk, he is rabid in
+the most rabidissimus form. He is not mad just part of the time, like
+one's relatives by marriage--and not mad most of the time, like the
+old-fashioned railroad ticket agent--but mad all the time--incurably,
+enthusiastically and unanimously mad! He is mad and he is glad of it.
+
+We made the acquaintance of the Hydrophobic Skunk when we rode down
+Hermit Trail. The casual visitor to the Grand Canon first of all takes
+the rim drive; then he essays Bright Angel Trail, which is sufficiently
+scary for his purposes until he gets used to it; and after that he grows
+more adventurous and tackles Hermit Trail, which is a marvel of
+corkscrew convolutions, gimleting its way down this red abdominal wound
+of a canyon to the very gizzard of the world.
+
+Alongside the Hermit, traveling the Bright Angel is the same as
+gathering the myrtles with Mary; but the civil engineers who worked out
+the scheme of the Hermit and made it wide and navigable for ordinary
+folks were bright young men. They laid a wall along its outer side all
+the way from the top to the bottom. Now this wall is made of loose
+stones racked up together without cement, and it is nowhere more than a
+foot or a foot and a half high. If your mule ever slipped--which he
+never does--or if you rolled off on your own hook--which has not
+happened to date--that puny little wall would hardly stop you--might not
+even cause you to hesitate. But some way, intervening between you and a
+thousand feet or so of uninterrupted fresh air, it gives a tremendous
+sense of security. Life is largely a state of mind, anyhow, I reckon.
+
+As a necessary preliminary to going down Hermit Trail you take a
+buckboard ride of ten miles--ten wonderful miles! Almost immediately the
+road quits the rocky, bare parapet of the gorge and winds off through
+the noble, big forest that is a part of the Government reserve. Jays
+that are twice as large and three times as vocal as the Eastern variety
+weave blue threads in the green background of the pines; and if there is
+snow upon the ground its billowy white surface is crossed and
+criss-crossed with the dainty tracks of coyotes, and sometimes with the
+broad, furry marks of the wildcat's pads. The air is a blessing and the
+sunshine is a benediction.
+
+Away off yonder, through a break in the conifers, you see one lone and
+lofty peak with a cap of snow upon its top. The snow fills the deeper
+ravines that furrow its side downward from the summit so that at this
+distance it looks as though it were clutched in a vast white owl's claw;
+and generally there is a wispy cloud caught on it like a white shirt on
+a poor man's Monday washpole. Or, huddled together in a nest formation
+like so many speckled eggs, you see the clutch of little mottled
+mountains for which nobody seems to have a name. If these mountains were
+in Scotland, Sir Walter Scott and Bobby Burns would have written about
+them and they would be world-famous, and tourists from America would
+come and climb their slopes, and stand upon their tops, and sop up
+romance through all their pores. But being in Arizona, dwarfed by the
+heaven-reaching ranges and groups that wall them in north, south and
+west, they have not even a Christian name to answer to.
+
+Anon--that is to say, at the end of those ten miles--you come to the
+head of Hermit Trail. There you leave your buckboard at a way station
+and mount your mule. Presently you are crawling downward, like a fly on
+a board fence, into the depths of the chasm. You pass through rapidly
+succeeding graduations of geology, verdure, scenery and temperature. You
+ride past little sunken gardens full of wild flowers and stunty fir
+trees, like bits of Old Japan; you climb naked red slopes crowned with
+the tall cactus, like Old Mexico; you skirt bald, bare, blistered
+vistas of desolation, like Old Perdition. You cross Horsethief's Trail,
+which was first traced out by the moccasined feet of marauding Apaches
+and later was used by white outlaws fleeing northward with their stolen
+pony herds.
+
+You pass above the gloomy shadows of Blythe's Abyss and wind beneath a
+great box-shaped formation of red sandstone set on a spindle rock and
+balancing there in dizzy space like Mohammed's coffin; and then, at the
+end of a mile-long jog along a natural terrace stretching itself midway
+between Heaven and the other place, you come to the residence of Shorty,
+the official hermit of the Grand Canon.
+
+[Illustration: HE'D GARNER IN SOME FELLOWS THAT WASN'T SHEEPHERDERS]
+
+Shorty is a little, gentle old man, with warped legs and mild blue eyes
+and a set of whiskers of such indeterminate aspect that you cannot tell
+at first look whether they are just coming out or just going back in. He
+belongs--or did belong--to the vast vanishing race of old-time gold
+prospectors. Halfway down the trail he does light housekeeping under an
+accommodating flat ledge that pouts out over the pathway like a
+snuffdipper's under lip. He has a hole in the rock for his chimney, a
+breadth of weathered gray canvas for his door and an eighty-mile stretch
+of the most marvelous panorama on earth for his front yard. He minds the
+trail and watches out for the big boulders that sometimes fall in the
+night; and, except in the tourist season, he leads a reasonably quiet
+existence.
+
+Alongside of Shorty, Robinson Crusoe was a tenement-dweller, and Jonah,
+weekending in the whale, had a perfectly uproarious time; but Shorty
+thrives on a solitude that is too vast for imagining. He would not trade
+jobs with the most potted potentate alive--only sometimes in mid-summer
+he feels the need of a change stealing over him, and then he goes afoot
+out into the middle of Death Valley and spends a happy vacation of five
+or six weeks with the Gila monsters and the heat. He takes Toby with
+him.
+
+Toby is a gentlemanly little woolly dog built close to the earth like a
+carpet sweeper, with legs patterned crookedly--after the model of his
+master's. Toby has one settled prejudice: he dislikes Indians. You have
+only to whisper the word "Injun" and instantly Toby is off, scuttling
+away to the highest point that is handy. From there he peers all round
+looking for red invaders. Not finding any he comes slowly back, crushed
+to the earth with disappointment. Nobody has ever been able to decide
+what Toby would do with the Indians if he found them; but he and Shorty
+are in perfect accord. They have been associated together ever since
+Toby was a pup and Shorty went into the hermit business, and that was
+ten years ago. Sitting cross-legged on a flat rock like a little gnome,
+with his puckered eyes squinting off at space, Shorty told us how once
+upon a time he came near losing Toby.
+
+"Me and Toby," he said, "was over to Flagstaff, and that was several
+years ago. There was a saloon man over there owned a bulldog and he
+wanted that his bulldog and Toby should fight. Toby can lick mighty nigh
+any dog alive; but I didn't want that Toby should fight. But this here
+saloon man wouldn't listen. He sicked his bulldog on to Toby and in
+about a minute Toby was taking that bulldog all apart.
+
+"This here saloon man he got mad then--he got awful mad. He wanted to
+kill Toby and he pulled out his pistol. I begged him mighty hard please
+not to shoot Toby--I did so! I stood in front of Toby to protect him and
+I begged that man not to do it. Then some other fellows made him put up
+his gun, and me and Toby came on away from there." His voice trailed
+off. "I certainly would 'a' hated to lose Toby. We set a heap of store
+by one another--don't we, dog?" And Toby testified that it was
+so--testified with wriggling body and licking tongue and dancing eyes
+and a madly wagging stump tail.
+
+As we mounted and jogged away we looked back, and the pair of
+them--Shorty and Toby--were sitting there side by side in perfect
+harmony and perfect content; and I could not help wondering, in a
+country where we sometimes hang a man for killing a man, what would
+have been adequate punishment for a brute who would kill Toby and leave
+Shorty without his partner! In another minute, though, we had rounded a
+jagged sandstone shoulder and they were out of sight.
+
+About that time Johnny, our guide, felt moved to speech, and we
+hearkened to his words and hungered for more, for Johnny knows the
+ranges of the Northwest as a city dweller knows his own little side
+street. In the fall of the year Johnny comes down to the Canon and
+serves as a guide a while; and then, when he gets so he just can't stand
+associating with tourists any longer, he packs his warbags and journeys
+back to the Northern Range and enjoys the company of cows a spell. Cows
+are not exactly exciting, but they don't ask fool questions.
+
+A highly competent young person is Johnny and a cowpuncher of parts.
+Most of the Canon guides are cowpunchers--accomplished ones, too, and of
+high standing in the profession. With a touch of reverence Johnny
+pointed out to us Sam Scovel, the greatest bronco buster of his time,
+now engaged in piloting tourists.
+
+"Can he ride?" echoed Johnny in answer to our question. "Scovel could
+ride an earthquake if she stood still long enough for him to mount! He
+rode Steamboat--not Young Steamboat, but Old Steamboat! He rode Rocking
+Chair, and he's the only man that ever did do that and not be called on
+in a couple of days to attend his own funeral."
+
+This day he told us about one Tom, who lived up in Wyoming, where Johnny
+came from. It appeared that in an easier day Tom was hired by some
+cattle men to thin out the sheep herders who insisted upon invading the
+public ranges. By Johnny's account Tom did the thinning with
+conscientious attention to detail and gave general satisfaction for a
+while; but eventually he grew careless in his methods and took to
+killing parties who were under the protection of the game laws. Likewise
+his own private collection of yearlings began to increase with a
+rapidity which was only to be accounted for on the theory that a large
+number of calves were coming into the world with Tom's brand for a
+birthmark. So he lost popularity. Several times his funeral was privily
+arranged, but on each occasion was postponed owing to the failure of the
+corpse to be present. Finally he killed a young boy and was caught and
+convicted, and one morning they took him out and hanged him rather
+extensively.
+
+"Tom was mighty methodical," said Johnny. "He got five hundred a head
+for killing sheep herders--that was the regular tariff. Every time he
+bumped one off he'd put a stone under his head, which was his private
+mark--a kind of a duebill, as you might say. And when they'd find that
+dead herder with the rock under his head they'd know there was another
+five hundred comin' to Tom on the books; they always paid it, too. Once
+in a while, though, he'd cut loose in a saloon and garner in some
+fellows that wasn't sheep herders. There was quite a number that thought
+Tom acted kind of ungentlemanly when he was drinkin'."
+
+We went on and on at a lazy mule-trot, hearing the unwritten annals of
+the range from one who had seen them enacted at first hand. Pretty soon
+we passed a herd of burros with mealy, dusty noses and spotty hides,
+feeding on prickly pears and rock lichens; and just before sunset we
+slid down the last declivity out upon the plateau and came to a camp as
+was a camp!
+
+This was roughing it de luxe with a most de-luxey vengeance! Here were
+three tents, or rather three canvas houses, with wooden half-walls; and
+they were spick-and-span inside and out, and had glass windows in them
+and doors and matched wooden floors. The one that was a bedroom had gay
+Navajo blankets on the floor, and a stove in it, and a little bureau,
+and a washstand with white towels and good lathery soap. And there were
+two beds--not cots or bunks, but regular beds--with wire springs and
+mattresses and white sheets and pillowslips. They were not veteran
+sheets and vintage pillowslips either, but clean and spotless ones. The
+mess tent was provided with a table with a clean cloth to go over it,
+and there were china dishes and china cups and shiny knives, forks and
+spoons. Every scrap of this equipment had been brought down from the top
+on burro packs. The Grand Canon is scenically artistic, but it is a
+non-producing district. And outside there was a corral for the mules; a
+canvas storehouse; hitching stakes for the burros; a Dutch oven, and a
+little forge where the guides sometimes shoe a mule. They aren't
+blacksmiths; they merely have to be. Bill was in charge of the camp--a
+dark, rangy, good-looking young leading man of a cowboy, wearing his
+blue shirt and his red neckerchief with an air. He spoke with the soft
+Texas drawl and in his way was as competent as Johnny.
+
+The sun, which had been winking farewells to us over the rim above,
+dropped out of sight as suddenly as though it had fallen into a well.
+From the bottom the shadows went slanting along the glooming walls of
+the gorges, swallowing up the yellow patches of sunlight that still
+lingered near the top like blacksnakes swallowing eggs. Every second the
+colors shifted and changed; what had been blue a moment before was now
+purple and in another minute would be a velvety black. A little lost
+ghost of an echo stole out of a hole and went straying up and down,
+feebly mocking our remarks and making them sound cheap and tawdry.
+
+Then the new moon showed as a silver fish, balancing on its tail and
+arching itself like a hooked skipjack. In a purpling sky the stars
+popped out like pinpricks and the peace that passes all understanding
+came over us. I wish to take advantage of this opportunity to say that,
+in my opinion, David Belasco has never done anything in the way of
+scenic effects to beat a moonrise in the Grand Canon.
+
+I reckon we might have been there until now--my companion and I--soaking
+our souls in the unutterable beauty of that place, only just about that
+time we smelled something frying. There was also a most delectable
+sputtering sound as of fat meat turning over on a hot skillet; but just
+the smell alone was a square meal for a poor family. The meeting
+adjourned by acclamation. Just because a man has a soul is no reason he
+shouldn't have an appetite.
+
+That Johnny certainly could cook! Served on china dishes upon a
+cloth-covered table, we had mounds of fried steaks and shoals of fried
+bacon; and a bushel, more or less, of sheepherder potatoes; and green
+peas and sliced peaches out of cans; and sourdough biscuits as light as
+kisses and much more filling; and fresh butter and fresh milk; and
+coffee as black as your hat and strong as sin. How easy it is for
+civilized man to become primitive and comfortable in his way of eating,
+especially if he has just ridden ten miles on a buckboard and nine more
+on a mule and is away down at the bottom of the Grand Canon--and there
+is nobody to look on disapprovingly when he takes a bite that would be a
+credit to a steam shovel!
+
+[Illustration: BECAUSE A MAN HAS A SOUL IS NO REASON HE SHOULDN'T HAVE
+AN APPETITE]
+
+Despite all reports to the contrary, I wish to state that it is no
+trouble at all to eat green peas off a knifeblade--you merely mix them
+in with potatoes for a cement; and fried steak--take it from an old
+steak-eater--tastes best when eaten with those tools of Nature's own
+providing, both hands and your teeth. An hour passed--busy, yet
+pleasant--and we were both gorged to the gills and had reared back with
+our cigars lit to enjoy a third jorum of black coffee apiece, when
+Johnny, speaking in an offhand way to Bill, who was still hiding away
+biscuits inside of himself like a parlor prestidigitator, said:
+
+"Seen any of them old hydrophobies the last day or two?"
+
+"Not so many," said Bill casually. "There was a couple out last night
+pirootin' round in the moonlight. I reckon, though, there'll be quite a
+flock of 'em out tonight. A new moon always seems to fetch 'em up from
+the river."
+
+Both of us quit blowing on our coffee and we put the cups down. I think
+I was the one who spoke.
+
+"I beg your pardon," I asked, "but what did you say would be out
+tonight?"
+
+"We were just speakin' to one another about them Hydrophoby Skunks,"
+said Bill apologetically. "This here Canon is where they mostly hang out
+and frolic 'round."
+
+I laid down my cigar, too. I admit I was interested.
+
+"Oh!" I said softly--like that. "Is it? Do they?"
+
+"Yes," said Johnny. "I reckin there's liable to be one come shovin' his
+old nose into that door any minute. Or probably two--they mostly travels
+in pairs--sets, as you might say."
+
+"You'd know one the minute you saw him, though," said Bill. "They're
+smaller than a regular skunk and spotted where the other kind is
+striped. And they got little red eyes. You won't have no trouble at all
+recognizin' one."
+
+It was at this juncture that we both got up and moved back by the stove.
+It was warmer there and the chill of evening seemed to be settling down
+noticeably.
+
+"Funny thing about Hydrophoby Skunks," went on Johnny after a moment of
+pensive thought--"mad, you know!"
+
+"What makes them mad?" The two of us asked the question together.
+
+"Born that way!" explained Bill--"mad from the start, and won't never do
+nothin' to get shut of it."
+
+"Ahem--they never attack humans, I suppose?"
+
+"Don't they?" said Johnny, as if surprised at such ignorance. "Why,
+humans is their favorite pastime! Humans is just pie to a Hydrophoby
+Skunk. It ain't really any fun to be bit by a Hydrophoby Skunk neither."
+He raised his coffee cup to his lips and imbibed deeply.
+
+"Which you certainly said something then, Johnny," stated Bill. "You
+see," he went on, turning to us, "they aim to catch you asleep and they
+creep up right soft and take holt of you--take holt of a year
+usually--and clamp their teeth and just hang on for further orders. Some
+says they hang on till it thunders, same as snappin' turtles. But that's
+a lie, I judge, because there's weeks on a stretch down here when it
+don't thunder. All the cases I ever heard of they let go at sun-up."
+
+"It is right painful at the time," said Johnny, taking up the thread of
+the narrative; "and then in nine days you go mad yourself. Remember that
+fellow the Hydrophoby Skunk bit down here by the rapids, Bill? Let's
+see now--what was that hombre's name?"
+
+"Williams," supplied Bill--"Heck Williams. I saw him at Flagstaff when
+they took him there to the hospital. That guy certainly did carry on
+regardless. First he went mad and his eyes turned red, and he got so he
+didn't have no real use for water--well, them prospectors don't never
+care much about water anyway--and then he got to snappin' and bitin' and
+foamin' so's they had to strap him down to his bed. He got loose
+though."
+
+"Broke loose, I suppose?" I said.
+
+"No, he bit loose," said Bill with the air of one who would not deceive
+you even in a matter of small details.
+
+"Do you mean to say he bit those leather straps in two?"
+
+"No, sir; he couldn't reach them," explained Bill, "so he bit the bed in
+two. Not in one bite, of course," he went on. "It took him several. I
+saw him after he was laid out. He really wasn't no credit to himself as
+a corpse."
+
+I'm not sure, but I think my companion and I were holding hands by now.
+Outside we could hear that little lost echo laughing to itself. It was
+no time to be laughing either. Under certain circumstances I don't know
+of a lonelier place anywhere on earth than that Grand Canon.
+
+Presently my friend spoke, and it seemed to me his voice was a mite
+husky. Well, he had a bad cold.
+
+"You said they mostly attack persons who are sleeping out, didn't you?"
+
+"That's right, too," said Johnny, and Bill nodded in affirmation.
+
+"Then, of course, since we sleep indoors everything will be all right,"
+I put in.
+
+"Well, yes and no," answered Johnny. "In the early part of the evening a
+hydrophoby is liable to do a lot of prowlin' round outdoors; but toward
+mornin' they like to get into camps--they dig up under the side walls or
+come up through the floor--and they seem to prefer to get in bed with
+you. They're cold-blooded, I reckin, same as rattlesnakes. Cool nights
+always do drive 'em in, seems like."
+
+"It's going to be sort of coolish to-night," said Bill casually.
+
+It certainly was. I don't remember a chillier night in years. My teeth
+were chattering a little--from cold--before we turned in. I retired with
+all my clothes on, including my boots and leggings, and I wished I had
+brought along my earmuffs. I also buttoned my watch into my lefthand
+shirt pocket, the idea being if for any reason I should conclude to move
+during the night I would be fully equipped for traveling. The door would
+not stay closely shut--the doorjamb had sagged a little and the wind
+kept blowing the door ajar. But after a while we dozed off.
+
+It was one-twenty-seven A.M. when I woke with a violent start. I know
+this was the exact time because that was when my watch stopped. I peered
+about me in the darkness. The door was wide open--I could tell that.
+Down on the floor there was a dragging, scuffling sound, and from almost
+beneath me a pair of small red eyes peered up phosphorescently.
+
+"He's here!" I said to my companion as I emerged from my blankets; and
+he, waking instantly, seemed instinctively to know whom I meant. I used
+to wonder at the ease with which a cockroach can climb a perfectly
+smooth wall and run across the ceiling. I know now that to do this is
+the easiest thing in the world--if you have the proper incentive behind
+you. I had gone up one wall of the tent and had crossed over and was in
+the act of coming down the other side when Bill burst in, his eyes
+blurred with sleep, a lighted lamp in one hand and a gun in the other.
+
+I never was so disappointed in my life because it wasn't a Hydrophobic
+Skunk at all. It was a pack rat, sometimes called a trade rat, paying us
+a visit. The pack or trade rat is also a denizen of the Grand Canon. He
+is about four times as big as an ordinary rat and has an appetite to
+correspond. He sometimes invades your camp and makes free with your
+things, but he never steals anything outright--he merely trades with
+you; hence his name. He totes off a side of meat or a bushel of meal and
+brings a cactus stalk in; or he will confiscate your saddlebags and
+leave you in exchange a nice dry chip. He is honest, but from what I
+can gather he never gets badly stuck on a deal.
+
+Next morning at breakfast Johnny and Bill were doing a lot of laughing
+between them over something or other. But we had our revenge! About
+noon, as we were emerging at the head of the trail, we met one of the
+guides starting down with a couple that, for the sake of convenience, we
+had christened Clarence and Clarice. Shorty hailed us.
+
+"How's everything down at the camp?" he inquired.
+
+"Oh, all right!" replied Bill--"only there's a good many of them
+Hydrophoby Skunks pesticatin' about. Last night we seen four."
+
+Clarence and Clarice crossed startled glances, and it seemed to me that
+Clarice's cheek paled a trifle; or it may have been Clarence's cheek
+that paled. He bent forward and asked Shorty something, and as we
+departed full of joy and content we observed that Shorty was composing
+himself to unload that stock horror tale. It made us very happy.
+
+By common consent we had named them Clarence and Clarice on their
+arrival the day before. At first glance we decided they must have come
+from Back Bay, Boston--probably by way of Lenox, Newport and Palm Beach;
+if Harvard had been a co-educational institution we should have figured
+them as products of Cambridge. It was a shock to us all when we learned
+they really hailed from Chicago. They were nearly of a height and a
+breadth, and similar in complexion and general expression; and
+immediately after arriving they had appeared for the ride down the
+Bright Angel in riding suits that were identical in color, cut and
+effect--long-tailed, tight-buttoned coats; derby hats; stock collars;
+shiny top boots; cute little crops, and form-fitting riding trousers
+with those Bartlett pear extensions midships and aft--and the prevalent
+color was a soft, melting, misty gray, like a cow's breath on a frosty
+morning. Evidently they had both patronized the same tailor.
+
+He was a wonder, that tailor. Using practically the same stage effects,
+he had, nevertheless, succeeded in making Clarence look feminine and
+Clarice look masculine. We had gone down to the rim to see them off. And
+when they passed us in all the gorgeousness of their city bridle-path
+regalia, enthroned on shaggy mules, behind a flock of tourists in
+nondescript yet appropriate attire, and convoyed by a cowboy who had no
+reverence in his soul for the good, the sweet and the beautiful, but
+kept sniggering to himself in a low, coarse way, we felt--all of
+us--that if we never saw another thing we were amply repaid for our
+journey to Arizona.
+
+The exactly opposite angle of this phenomenon was presented by a certain
+Eastern writer, a member, as I recall, of the Jersey City school of Wild
+West story writers, who went to Arizona about two years ago to see if
+the facts corresponded with his fiction; if not he would take steps to
+have the facts altered--I believe that was the idea. He reached El Tovar
+at Grand Canon in the early morning, hurried at once to his room and
+presently appeared attired for breakfast. Competent eyewitnesses gave
+me the full details. He wore a flannel shirt that was unbuttoned at the
+throat to allow his Adam's apple full sweep, a hunting coat, buckskin
+pants and high boots, and about his waist was a broad belt supporting on
+one side a large revolver--one of the automatic kind, which you start in
+to shooting by pulling the trigger merely and then have to throw a
+bucket of water on it to make it stop--and on the other side, as a
+counterpoise, was a buck-handled bowie knife such as was so universally
+not used by the early pioneers of our country.
+
+As he crossed the lobby, jangling like a milk wagon, he created a
+pronounced impression upon all beholders. The hotel is managed by an
+able veteran of the hotel business, assisted by a charming and
+accomplished wife; it is patronized by scientists, scholars and
+cosmopolitans, who come from all parts of the world to see the Grand
+Canon; and it is as up-to-the-minute in its appointments and service as
+though it fronted on Broadway, or Chestnut Street, or Pennsylvania
+Avenue.
+
+Our hero careened across the intervening space. On reaching the dining
+room he snatched off his coat and, with a gesture that would have turned
+Hackett or Faversham as green with envy as a processed stringbean, flung
+it aside and prepared to enter. It was plain that he proposed to put on
+no airs before the simple children of the desert wilds. He would eat his
+antelope steak and his grizzly b'ar chuck in his shirt-sleeves, the way
+Kit Carson and Old Man Bridger always did.
+
+[Illustration: HE WAS A REGULAR MOVING PICTURE COWBOY AND GAVE GENERAL
+SATISFACTION]
+
+The young woman who presides over the dining room met him at the door.
+In the cool, clarified accents of a Wellesley graduate, which she is,
+she invited him to have on his things if he didn't mind. She also
+offered to take care of his hardware for him while he was eating. He
+consented to put his coat back on, but he clung to his weapons--there
+was no telling when the Indians might start an uprising. Probably at the
+moment it would have deeply pained him to learn that the only Indian
+uprising reported in these parts in the last forty years was a carbuncle
+on the back of the neck of Uncle Hopi Hooligan, the gentle
+copper-colored floorwalker of the white-goods counter in the Hopi House,
+adjacent to the hotel!
+
+However, he stayed on long enough to discover that even this far west
+ordinary human garments make a most excellent protective covering for
+the stranger. Many of the tourists do not do this. They arrive in the
+morning, take a hurried look at the Canon, mail a few postal cards, buy
+a Navajo blanket or two and are out again that night. Yet they could
+stay on for a month and make every hour count. To begin with, there is
+the Canon, worth a week of anybody's undivided attention. Within easy
+reach are the Painted Desert and the Petrified Forests--thousands of
+acres of trees turned to solid agate. If these things were in Europe
+they would be studded thick with hotels and Americans by the thousand
+would flock across the seas to look at them. There are cliff-dwellers'
+ruins older than ancient Babylon and much less expensive.
+
+The reservations of the Hopis and the Navajos, most distinctive of all
+the Southern tribes, are handy, while all about stretches a big
+Government reserve full of natural wonders and unnatural ones,
+too--everything on earth except a Lover's Leap. There are unexcelled
+facilities for Lover's Leaps, too--thousands of appropriate places are
+within easy walking distance of the hotel; but no lover ever yet cared
+to leap where he would have to drop five or six thousand feet before he
+landed. He'd be such a mussy lover; no satisfaction to himself then--or
+to the undertaker, either.
+
+However, as I was saying, most of the tourists run in on the morning
+train and out again on the evening train. To this breed belonged a youth
+who dropped in during our stay; I think he must have followed the crowd
+in. As he came out from breakfast I chanced to be standing on the side
+veranda and I presume he mistook me for one of the hired help. This
+mistake has occurred before when I was stopping at hotels.
+
+"My friend," he said to me in the patronizing voice of an experienced
+traveler, "is there anything interesting to see round here at this time
+of day?"
+
+Either he had not heard there was a Grand Canon going on regularly in
+that vicinity or he may have thought it was open only for matinees and
+evenings. So I took him by the hand and led him over to the curio store
+and let him look at the Mexican drawnwork. It seemed to satisfy him,
+too--until by chance he glanced out of a window and discovered that the
+Canon was in the nature of a continuous performance.
+
+The same week there arrived a party of six or eight Easterners who
+yearned to see some of those real genuine Wild Western characters such
+as they had met so often in a film. The manager trotted out a troupe of
+trail guides for them--all ex-cowboys; but they, being merely half a
+dozen sunburned, quiet youths in overalls, did not fill the bill at all.
+The manager hated to have his guests depart disappointed. Privately he
+called his room clerk aside and told him the situation and the room
+clerk offered to oblige.
+
+The room clerk had come from Ohio two years before and was a mighty
+accommodating young fellow. He slipped across to the curio store and put
+on a big hat and some large silver spurs and a pair of leather chaps
+made by one of the most reliable mail-order houses in this country. Thus
+caparisoned, he mounted a pony and came charging across the lawn,
+uttering wild ki-yis and quirting his mount at every jump. He steered
+right up the steps to the porch where the delighted Easterners were
+assembled, and then he yanked the pony back on his haunches and held him
+there with one hand while with the other he rolled a brown-paper
+cigarette--which was a trick he had learned in a high-school frat at
+Cincinnati--and altogether he was the picture of a regular
+moving-picture cowboy and gave general satisfaction.
+
+If the cowboys are disappointing in their outward aspect, however,
+Captain Jim Hance is not. The captain is the official prevaricator of
+the Grand Canon. It is probably the only salaried job of the sort in the
+world--his competitors in the same line of business mainly work for the
+love of it. He is a venerable retired prospector who is specially
+retained by the Santa Fe road for the sole purpose of stuffing the
+casual tourist with the kind of fiction the casual tourist's system
+seems to crave. He just moons round from spot to spot, romancing as he
+goes.
+
+Two of the captain's standbys have been advertised to the world. One of
+them deals with the sad fate of his bride, who on her honeymoon fell off
+into the Canon and lodged on a rim three hundred feet below. "I was two
+days gettin' down to the poor little thing," he tells you, "and then I
+seen both her hind legs was broke." Here the captain invariably pauses
+and looks out musingly across the Canon until the victim bites with an
+impatient "What happened then?" "Oh, I knew she wouldn't be no use to me
+any more as a bride--so I shot her!" The other tale he saves up until
+some tenderfoot notices the succession of blazes upon the treetrunks
+along one of the forest trails and wants to know what made those
+peculiar marks upon the bark all at the same height from the earth.
+Captain Hance explains that he himself did it--with his elbows and
+knees--while fleeing from a war party of Apaches.
+
+His newest one, though--the one he is featuring this year--is, in the
+opinion of competent judges, the gem of the Hance collection. It
+concerns the fate of one Total Loss Watkins, an old and devoted friend
+of the captain. As a preliminary he leads a group of wide-eared,
+doe-eyed victims to the rim of the Canon. "Right here," he says
+sorrowfully, "was where poor old Total slipped off one day. It's two
+thousand feet to the first ledge and we thought he was a gone fawnskin,
+sure! But he had on rubber boots, and he had the presence of mind to
+light standing up. He bounced up and down for two days and nights
+without stoppin', and then we had to get a wingshot to kill him in order
+to keep him from starvin' to death."
+
+The next stop will be Southern California, the Land of Perpetual
+Sunshine--except when it rains!
+
+
+
+
+_HOW DO YOU LIKE THE CLIMATE?_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_How Do You Like the Climate?_
+
+
+ONCE upon a time a stranger went to Southern California; and when he was
+asked the customary question--to wit: "How do you like the climate?" he
+said: "No, I don't like it!" So they destroyed him on the spot. I have
+forgotten now whether they merely hanged him on the nearest tree or
+burned him at the stake; but they destroyed him utterly and hid his
+bones in an unmarked grave.
+
+History, that lying jade, records that when Balboa first saw the Pacific
+he plunged breast-deep into the waves, drew his sword and waved it on
+high, probably using for that purpose the Australian crawl stroke; and
+then, in that generous and carefree way of the early discoverers,
+claimed the ocean and all points west in the name of his Catholic
+Majesty, Carlos the Cutup, or Pedro the Impossible, or whoever happened
+to be the King of Spain for the moment. Personal investigation convinces
+me that the current version of the above incident was wrong.
+
+What Balboa did first was to state that he liked the climate better than
+any climate he'd ever met; was perfectly crazy about it, in fact, and
+intended to sell out back East and move West just as soon as he could
+get word home to his folks; after which, still following the custom of
+the country, he bought a couple of Navajo blankets and some moccasins
+with blue beadwork on the toes, mailed a few souvenir postcards to close
+friends, and had his photograph taken showing him standing in the midst
+of the tropical verdure, with a freshly picked orange in his hand. And
+if he waved his sword at all it was with the idea of forcing the
+real-estate agents to stand back and give him air. I am sure that these
+are the correct details, because that is what every round-tripper does
+upon arriving in Southern California; and, though Balboa finished his
+little jaunt of explorations at a point some distance below the
+California state line, he was still in the climate belt. Life out there
+in that fair land is predicated on climate; out there climate is
+capitalized, organized and systematized. Every native is a climate
+booster; so is every newcomer as soon as he has stuck round long enough
+to get the climate habit, which is in from one to three days. They talk
+climate; they think climate; they breathe it by day; they snore it by
+night; and in between times they live on it. And it is good living,
+too--especially for the real-estate people and the hotel-keepers.
+
+Southern Californians brag of their climate just as New York brags of
+its wickedness and its skyscrapers, and as Richmond brags of its cooking
+and its war memories. I don't blame them either; the California climate
+is worth all the brags it gets. Back East in the wintertime we have
+weather; out in Southern California they never have weather--nothing but
+climate. For hours on hours a native will stand outdoors, with his hat
+off and his head thrown back, inhaling climate until you can hear his
+nostrils smack. And after you've been on the spot a day or two you're
+doing the same thing yourself, for, in addition to being salubrious, the
+California climate is catching.
+
+[Illustration: THE BOY WHO SELLS YOU A PAPER AND THE YOUTH WHO BLACKENS
+YOUR SHOES BOTH SHOW SOLICITUDE]
+
+Just as soon as you cross the Arizona line you discover that you have
+entered the climate belt. As your train whizzes past the monument that
+marks the boundary an earnest-minded passenger leans over, taps you on
+the breastbone and informs you that you are now in California, and
+wishes to know, as man to man, whether you don't regard the climate as
+about the niftiest article in that line you ever experienced! At the
+hotel the young lady of the telephone switchboard, who calls you in the
+morning, plugs in the number of your room; and when you drowsily answer
+the bell she informs you that it is now eight-thirty and--What do you
+think of the climate? The boy who sells you a paper and the youth who
+blackens your shoes both show solicitude to elicit your views upon this
+paramount subject.
+
+At breakfast the waiter finds out--if he can--how you like the climate
+before finding out how you like your eggs. When you pay your bill on
+going away the clerk somehow manages to convey the impression that the
+charges have been remarkably moderate considering what you have enjoyed
+in the matter of climate. Punching your round-trip ticket on the train
+starting East, the conductor has a few well-merited words to speak on
+behalf of the climate of the Glorious Southland, the same being the
+favorite pet name of the resident classes for the entire lower end of
+the state of California.
+
+Everybody is doing it, including press, pulpit and general public. The
+weather story--beg pardon, the climate story--is the most important
+thing in the daily paper, especially if a blizzard has opportunely
+developed back East somewhere and is available for purposes of
+comparison. At Los Angeles, which is the great throbbing heart of the
+climate belt, I went as a guest to a stag given at the handsome new
+clubhouse of a secret order renowned the continent over for its
+hospitality and its charities. We sat, six or seven hundred of us, in a
+big assembly hall, smoked cigars and drank light drinks, and witnessed
+some corking good sparring bouts by non-professional talent. There were
+two or three ministers present--fine, alert representatives of the
+modern type of city clergymen. When eleven o'clock came the master of
+ceremonies announced the toast, To Our Absent Brothers! and called upon
+one of those clergymen to respond to it.
+
+The minister climbed up on the platform--a tall man, with a thick crop
+of hair and a profile as clean cut as a cameo and as mobile as an
+actor's, the face of a born orator. He could talk, too, that preacher!
+In language that was poetic without being sloppy he paid a tribute to
+the spirit of fraternity that fairly lifted us out of our chairs. Every
+man there was touched, I think--and deeply touched; no man who believed
+in the brotherhood of man, whether he practiced it or not, could have
+listened unmoved to that speech. He spoke of the absent ones. Some of
+them he said had answered the last rollcall, and some were stretched
+upon the bed of affliction, and some were unavoidably detained by
+business in the East; and he intimated that those in the last category
+who had been away for as long as three weeks wouldn't know the old place
+when they got back!--Applause.
+
+This naturally brought him round to the subject of Los Angeles as a city
+of business and homes. He pointed out its marvelous growth--quoting
+freely from the latest issue of the city directory and other reliable
+authorities to prove his figures; he made a few heartrousing predictions
+touching on its future prospects, as tending to show that in a year or
+less San Francisco and other ambitious contenders along the Coast would
+be eating at the second table; he peopled the land clear back to the
+mountains with new homes and new neighbors; and he wound up, in a burst
+of vocal glory, with the most magnificent testimonial for the climate I
+ever heard any climate get. Did he move his audience then? Oh, but
+didn't he move them, though! Along toward the close of the third minute
+of uninterrupted cheering I thought the roof was gone.
+
+On the day after my arrival I made one very serious mistake; in fact, it
+came near to being a fatal one. I met a lady, and naturally right away
+she asked me the customary opening question. Every conversation between
+a stranger and a resident begins according to that formula. Still it
+seemed to me an inopportune hour for bringing up the subject. It was
+early in March and the day was one of those days which a greenhorn from
+the East might have been pardoned for regarding as verging upon the
+chilly--not to say the raw. Also, it seemed to be raining. I say it
+seemed to be raining, because no true Southern Californian would admit
+any actual defects in the climatic arrangements. If pressed he might
+concede that ostensibly an infinitesimal percentage of precipitation was
+descending, and that apparently the mercury had descended a notch or two
+in the tube. Further than that, in the absence of the official reports,
+he would not care to commit himself.
+
+You never saw such touching loyalty anywhere! Those scoffing neighbors
+of Noah who kept denying on there was going to be any flood right up to
+the moment when they went down for the third time were rank amateurs
+alongside a seasoned resident of Los Angeles. I was newly arrived,
+however, and I hadn't acquired the ethics yet; and, besides, I had
+contracted a bad cold and had been taking a number of things for it and
+for the moment was, as you might say, full of conflicting emulsions. So,
+in reply to this lady's question, I said it occurred to me that the
+prevalent atmospheric conditions might for the nonce stand a few
+trifling alterations without any permanent ill effects.
+
+I repeat that this was a mistake; for this particular lady was herself a
+recent arrival, and of all the incurable Californians, the new ones are
+the most incurable. She gave me one look--but such a look! From a
+reasonably solid person I became first a pulp and then a pap; and then,
+reversing the processes of creation as laid down in Genesis, first
+chapter, and first to fifth verses, I liquefied and turned to gas, and
+darkness covered me, and I became void and without form, and passed off
+in the form of a vapor, leaving my clothes inhabited only by a blushing
+and embarrassed emptiness. When the outraged lady abated the intensity
+of her scornful gaze and I painfully reassembled my astral body out of
+space and projected it back into my earthly tenement again, I found I'd
+shrunk so in these various processes that nothing I wore fitted me any
+longer.
+
+I shall never commit that error again. I know better now. If I were a
+condemned criminal about to die on a gallows at the state penitentiary,
+I would make the customary announcement touching on my intention of
+going straight to Heaven--condemned criminals never seem to have any
+doubt on that point--and then in conclusion I would add that after
+Southern California, I knew I wouldn't care for the climate Up There.
+Then I would step serenely off into eternity, secure in the belief that,
+no matter how heinous my crime might have been, all the local papers
+would give me nice obituary notices.
+
+I'd be absolutely sure of the papers, because the papers are the last to
+concede that there ever was or ever will be a flaw in the climate
+anywhere. In a certain city out on the Coast there is one paper that
+refuses even to admit that a human being can actually expire while
+breathing the air of Southern California. It won't go so far as to say
+that anybody has died--"passed away" is the term used. You read in its
+columns that Medulla Oblongata, the Mexican who was kicked in the head
+by a mule last Sunday afternoon, has passed away at the city hospital;
+or that, during yesterday's misunderstanding in Chinatown between the
+Bing Bangs and the Ok Louies, two Tong men were shot and cut in such a
+manner that they practically passed away on the spot. When I was there I
+traveled all one day over the route of an unprecedented cold snap that
+had happened along a little earlier and mussed up the citrus groves;
+and, though I will not go so far as to say that the orange crop had
+died or that it had been killed, it did look to me as though it had
+passed away to a considerable extent.
+
+This sort of visitation, however, doesn't occur often; in fact, it never
+had occurred before--and the chances are it never will occur again. Next
+to taxes and the high cost of living, I judge the California climate to
+be about the most dependable institution we have in this country--yes,
+and one of the most satisfactory, too. To its climate California is
+indebted for being the most extravagantly beautiful spot I've seen on
+this continent. It isn't just beautiful in spots--it is beautiful all
+over; it isn't beautiful in a sedate, reserved way--there is a prodigal,
+riotous, abandoned spendthriftiness to its beauty.
+
+I don't know of anything more wonderful than an automobile ride through
+one of the fruit valleys in the Mission country. In one day's
+travel--or, at most, two--you can get a taste of all the things that
+make this farthermost corner of the United States at once so diversified
+and so individual--sky-piercing mountain and mirage-painted desert;
+seashore and upland; ranch lands, farm lands and fruit lands; city and
+town; traces of our oldest civilization and stretches of our newest;
+wilderness and jungle and landscape garden; the pines of the snows, the
+familiar growths of the temperate zone, the palms of the tropics; and
+finally--which is California's own--the Big Trees. All day you may ride
+and never once will your eye rest upon a picture that is commonplace or
+trumpery.
+
+Going either North or South, your road lies between mountains. To the
+eastward, shutting out the deserts from this domain of everlasting
+summer, are the Sierras--great saw-edged old he-mountains, masculine as
+bulls or bucks, all rugged and wrinkled, bearded with firs and pines
+upon their jowls, but bald-headed and hoar with age atop like the
+Prophets of old. But the mountains of the Coast Range, to the westward,
+are full-bosomed and maternal, mothering the valleys up to them; and
+their round-uddered, fecund slopes are covered with softest green. Only
+when you come closer to them you see that the garments on their breasts
+are not silky-smooth as they looked at a distance, but shirred and
+gored, gathered and smocked. I suppose even a lady mountain never gets
+too old to follow the fashions!
+
+Now you pass an orchard big enough to make a hundred of your average
+Eastern orchards; and if it be of apples or plums or cherries, and the
+time be springtime, it is all one vast white bridal bouquet; but if it
+be of almonds or peaches the whole land, maybe for miles on end, blazes
+with a pink flame that is the pinkest pink in the world--pinker than the
+heart of a ripe watermelon; pinker than the inside of a blond cow.
+
+Here is a meadowland of purest, deepest green; and flung across it, like
+a streak of sunshine playing hooky from Heaven, is a slash of wild
+yellow poppies. There, upon a hillside, stands a clump of gnarly,
+dwarfed olives, making you think of Bible times and the Old Testament.
+Or else it is a great range, where cattle by thousands feed upon the
+slopes. Or a crested ridge, upon which the gum trees stand up in long
+aisles, sorrowful and majestic as the funereal groves of the ancient
+Greeks--that is, provided it was the ancient Greeks who had the funereal
+groves.
+
+Or, best of all and most striking in its contrasts, you will see a hill
+all green, with a nap on it like a family album; and right on the top of
+it an old, crumbly gray mission, its cross gleaming against the skyline;
+and, down below, a modern town, with red roofs and hipped windows, its
+houses buried to their eaves in palms and giant rose bushes, and huge
+climbing geraniums, and all manner of green tropical growths that are
+Nature's own Christmas trees, with the red-and-yellow dingle-dangles
+growing upon them. Or perhaps it is a gorge choked with the enormous
+redwoods, each individual tree with a trunk like the Washington
+Monument. And, if you are only as lucky as we were, up overhead, across
+the blue sky, will be drifting a hundred fleecy clouds, one behind the
+other, like woolly white sheep grazing upon the meadows of the
+firmament.
+
+Everywhere the colors are splashed on with a barbaric, almost a
+theatrical, touch. It's a regular backdrop of a country; its scenery
+looks as though it belonged on a stage--as though it should be painted
+on a curtain. You almost expect to see a chorus of comic-opera brigands
+or a bevy of stage milkmaids come trooping out of the wings any minute.
+Who was the libelous wretch who said that the flowers of California had
+no perfume and the birds there had no song? Where we passed through
+tangled woods the odors distilled from the wild flowers by the sun's
+warmth were often almost suffocating in their sweetness; and in a
+yellow-tufted bush on the lawn at Coronado I came upon a mocking-bird
+singing in a way to make his brother minstrel of Mobile or Savannah feel
+like applying for admission to a school of expression and learning the
+singing business all over again.
+
+[Illustration: OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE WILL CRAWL A REAL ESTATE
+AGENT]
+
+At the end of the valley--top end or bottom end as the case may be--you
+come to a chain of lesser mountains, dropped down across your path like
+a trailing wing of the Indians' fabled thunder-bird, vainly trying to
+shut you out from the next valley. You climb the divide and run through
+the pass, with a brawling river upon one side and tall cliffs upon the
+other; and then all of a sudden the hills magically part and you are
+within sight--almost within touch--of the ocean; for in this favored
+land the mountains come right down to the sea and the sea comes right up
+to the mountains. It may be upon a tiny bay that you have emerged, with
+the meadows sloping straight to tidemark, and out beyond the wild fowl
+feeding by the kelp beds.
+
+Or perhaps you have come out upon a ragged, rugged headland, crowned
+belike with a single wind-twisted tree, grotesquely suggesting a frizzly
+chicken; and away below, straight and sheer, are the rocks rising out of
+the water like the jaws of a mangle. Down there in that ginlike reef
+Neptune is forever washing out his shirt in a smother of foamy lather.
+And he has spilled his bluing pot, too--else how could all the sea be so
+blue? On the outermost rocks the sea-lions have stretched themselves,
+looking like so many overgrown slugs; and they lie for hours and sun
+themselves and bellow--or, at least, I am told they do so on occasion.
+There was unfortunately no bellowing going on the day I was there.
+
+The unearthly beauty of the whole thing overpowers you. The poet that
+lives in nearly every human soul rouses within you and you feel like
+withdrawing to yon dense grove or yon peaked promontory to commune with
+Nature. But be advised in season. Restrain yourself! Carefully refrain!
+Do not do so! Because out from under a rock somewhere will crawl a
+real-estate agent to ask you how you like the climate and take a dollar
+down as first payment on a fruit ranch, or a suburban lot, or a seaside
+villa--or something.
+
+Climate did it and he can prove it. Only he doesn't have to prove
+it--you admit it. I had never seen the Mediterranean when I went West;
+but I saw the cypresses of Del Monte, and the redwood grove in the canyon
+just below Harry Leon Wilson's place, down past Carmel-by-the-Sea; and
+that was sufficient. I had no burning yearning to see Naples and die, as
+the poet suggested. I felt that I would rather see Monterey Bay again on
+a bright March day and live!
+
+And for all of this--for fruit, flowers and scenery, for real-estate
+agents, and for a race of the most persistent boosters under the
+sun--the climate is responsible. Climate advertised is responsible for
+the rush of travel from the East that sets in with the coming of winter
+and lasts until well into the following spring; and climate realized is
+responsible for the string of tourist hotels that dot the Coast all
+along from just below San Francisco to the Mexican border.
+
+Both externally and internally the majority of these hotels are
+singularly alike. Mainly they are rambling frame structures done in a
+modified Spanish architecture--late Spanish crossed on Early
+Peoria--with a lobby so large that, loafing there, you feel as though
+you were in the waiting-room of the Grand Central Terminal, and with a
+dining room about the size of the state of Rhode Island, and a sun
+parlor that has windows all round, so as to give its occupants the
+aspect, when viewed from without, of being inmates of an aquarium; and a
+gorgeous tea room done in the style of one of the French Louies--Louie
+the Limit, I guess. There are some notable exceptions to the rule--some
+of the places have pleasing individualities of their own, but most of
+them were cut off the same pattern. Likewise the bulk of their winter
+patrons are cut off the same pattern.
+
+The average Eastern tourist is a funny biped anyhow, and he is at his
+funniest out in California. Living along the Eastern seaboard are a
+large number of well-to-do people who harken not to the slogan of See
+America First, because many of them cannot see America at any price;
+they can just barely recognize its existence as a suitable place for
+making money, but no place for spending it. What makes life worth living
+to them is the fact that Europe is distant only a four-day run by the
+four-day boat, the same being known as a four-day boat because only four
+days are required for the run between Daunt's Rock and Ambrose Channel,
+which is a very convenient arrangement for deep-sea divers and
+long-distance swimmers desiring to get on at Daunt's Rock and get off in
+Ambrose Channel, but slightly extending the journey for passengers who
+are less amphibious by nature.
+
+These people constitute one breed of Eastern tourists. There is the
+other breed, who are willing to see America provided it is made over to
+conform with the accepted Eastern model. Those who can afford the
+expense go to Florida in the winter; but it requires at least a million
+in small change to feel at home in that setting, and so a good many who
+haven't quite a million to spare, head for Southern California as the
+next best spot on the map. Arriving there, they endeavor to reproduce on
+as exact a scale as possible the life of the ultra fashionable Florida
+resorts; the result is what a burlesque manager would call a Number Two
+Palm Beach company playing the Western Wheel.
+
+Up and down the Coast these tourists traipse for months on end,
+spending a week here and two weeks there, and doing the same things in
+the same way at each new stopping place. You meet them, part from them,
+and meet them again at the next stand, until the monotony of it grows
+maddening; and always they are intently following the routine you saw
+them following last week or the week before, or the week before that.
+They have traveled clear across the continent to practice such
+diversions as they might have had within two hours' ride of Philadelphia
+or New York; and they are going to practice them, too, or know the
+reason why.
+
+Of course they are not all constituted this way; I am speaking now of
+the impression created in California by tourists in bulk. They decline
+to do the things for which this country is best adapted; they will not
+see the things for which it is most famous. Few of them take the
+roughing trips up into the mountains; fewer still visit the desert
+country. All about them the tremendous engineering contracts that have
+made this land a commercial Arabian Nights' Entertainment are being
+carried out--the mighty reclamation schemes; the irrigation projects;
+the damming up of canyons and the shoveling away of mountains--but your
+average group of Eastern tourists pass these by with dull and glazed
+eyes, their souls being bound up in the desire to reach the next hotel
+on the route with the least possible waste of time, and take up the
+routine where it was broken off at the last hotel.
+
+They tennis and they golf, and some go horseback riding and some take
+drives; and at one or two places there is polo in the season. Likewise,
+in accordance with the rules laid down by the Palm Beach authorities,
+the women change clothes as often as possible during the course of the
+day; and in the evening all hands appear in full dress for dinner, the
+same being very wearing on men and very pleasing to women--that is, all
+of them do except a few obstinate persons who defy convention and remain
+comfortable. After dinner some of the younger people dance and some of
+the older ones play bridge; but the vast majority sit round--and then
+sit round some more and wonder whether eleven o'clock will ever come so
+they can go to bed!
+
+A good many take the wrong kind of clothes out there with them. They
+have read in the advertisements that Southern California is a land of
+perpetual balm, where flowers bloom the year round; and they pack their
+trunks with the lightest and thinnest wearing apparel they own, which is
+a mistake. The natives know better than that. The all-wool sweater is
+the national garment of the Western Coast--both sexes and all ages go to
+it unanimously. Experience proves it the ideal thing to wear; for in
+Southern California in the winter it is never really hot in the sun and
+it is often exceedingly cool in the shade. Besides, there is a sea wind
+that blows pretty regularly and which makes a specialty of working
+through the crannies in a silk shirt or a lingerie blouse. The
+chilliest, most pallid-looking things I ever saw in my life were a pair
+of white linen trousers I found in the top tray of my trunk when I
+reached the extreme lower end of California. I had to cover them under
+two blankets and a bedspread that night to keep the poor things from
+freezing stiff.
+
+The medium-weight garments an Easterner wears between seasons are
+admirably suited for the West Coast in the winter; but the guileless
+tenderfoot who is making his first trip to California usually doesn't
+learn this until it is too late. If he is wise he studies out the
+situation on his arrival, and thereafter takes his overcoat with him
+when he goes riding and his sweater when he goes walking; but there are
+many others who will be summer boys and girls though they perish in the
+attempt.
+
+At Coronado I witnessed a mighty pitiable sight. It was a cool day,
+cooler than ordinary even, with a stiff wind blowing skeiny shreds of
+sea fog in off the gray ocean; and a beating rain was falling at
+frequent intervals. The veranda was full of Easterners trying to look
+comfortable in summer clothes and not succeeding, while the road in
+front was dotted with Westerners, comfortable and cozy in their thick
+sweaters. There emerged upon the wind-swept porch a youth who would have
+been a sartorial credit to himself on a Florida beach in February or
+upon a Jersey board-walk in August; but he did not coincide with the
+atmospheric scheme of things on a rainy March day down in Southern
+California.
+
+[Illustration: HE FELT HE WAS PROPERLY DRESSED FOR THE TIME, THE PLACE
+AND THE OCCASION]
+
+To begin with, he was a spindly and fragile person, with a knobby
+forehead and a fade-away face. Dressed in close-fitting black and turned
+sidewise, with his profile to you, he would instantly suggest a neatly
+rolled umbrella with a plain bone handle. But he was not dressed in
+black; he was dressed in white--all white, like a bride or a bandaged
+thumb; white silk shirt; white flannel coat, with white pearl buttons
+spangled freely over it; white trousers; white Panama hat; white socks;
+white buckskin shoes, with white rubber soles on them. He was, in short,
+all white except his face, which was a pinched, wan blue, and his nose,
+which was a suffused and chilly red. If my pencil had had an eraser
+on it I'm satisfied I could have backed him up against the wall and
+rubbed him right out; but he bore up splendidly.
+
+It was plain he felt that he was properly dressed for the time, the
+place and the occasion; and to him that was ample compensation for his
+suffering. I heard afterward that he lost three sets of tennis and had a
+congestive chill--all in the course of the same afternoon.
+
+The unconquerable determination of the Eastern tourist to have Southern
+California conform to his back-home standards is responsible for the
+fact that many of the tourist hotels out there are not so typical of the
+West as they might be--and as in my humble judgment they should be--but
+are as Eastern as it is possible to make them--Eastern in cuisine, in
+charges and in their operating schedules. Here, again, there are some
+notable exceptions.
+
+In the supposedly wilder sections of the West, lying between the Rockies
+and the Sierras, the situation is different. It is notably different in
+Arizona and New Mexico in the South, and in Utah, Montana and Wyoming
+in the North. There the person who serves you for hire is neither your
+menial nor your superior; whereas in the East he or she is nearly always
+one or the other, and sometimes both at once. This particular type of
+Westerner doesn't patronize you; neither does he cringe to you in
+expectation of a tip. He gives you the best he has in stock, meanwhile
+retaining his own self-respect and expecting you to do the same. He
+ennobles and dignifies personal service.
+
+Out on the Coast, however--or at least at several of the big hotels out
+on the Coast--the system, thanks to Eastern influence, has been changed.
+The whole scheme is patterned after the accepted New York model. The
+charges for small services are as exorbitant as in New York, and the
+iniquities of the tipping system are worked out as amply and as wickedly
+as in the city where they originated.
+
+Somebody with a taste for statistics figured it out once that if a man
+owned a three-dollar hat and wore it for two months, lunching every day
+at a New York cafe, and if he dined four nights a week at a New York
+restaurant and attended the theater twice a week, his hat at the end of
+those two months would cost him in tips eighteen dollars and seventy
+cents! No, on second thought, I guess it was a pair of earmuffs that
+would have cost him eighteen-seventy.
+
+A hat would have been more.
+
+It would be more in Southern California--I'm sure of that. There the
+tipping habit is made more expensive by reason of the prevalent spirit
+of Western generosity. The born Westerner never has got used to dimes
+and nickels. To him quarters are still chicken-feed and a half dollar is
+small change. So the tips are just as numerous as in New York and for
+the same service they are frequently larger.
+
+A lot has been said and written about the marvelous palms of Lower
+California and a lot more might be said--for they are outstretched
+everywhere; and if you don't cross them with silver at frequent
+intervals you would do well to try camping out for a change. Likewise a
+cursory glance at the prices on some of the menus is calculated to make
+a New Yorker homesick--they're so familiarly and unreasonably steep. And
+frequently the dishes you get aren't typical of the country; they
+are--thanks again be to the Easterner--mostly transplanted imitations of
+the concoctions of the Broadway and the Fifth Avenue chefs.
+
+There are compensations, though. There are some hotels that are operated
+on admirably different lines, and there are abundant opportunities for
+escaping altogether from hotel life and seeing this Land of the Living
+Backdrop where it is untainted and unspoiled; where the hills are
+clothed in green and yellow; where little Spanishy looking towns nestle
+below the Missions, and the mocking-birds sing, and the real-estate
+boomer leaps from crag to crag, sounding his flute-like note. And don't
+forget the climate! But that is unnecessary advice. You won't have a
+chance to forget it--not for a minute you won't!
+
+
+
+
+_IN THE HAUNT OF THE NATIVE SON_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_In the Haunt of the Native Son_
+
+
+THERE are various ways of entering San Francisco, and the traveling
+general passenger agent of any one of half a dozen trunklines stands
+ready to prove to you--absolutely beyond the peradventure of a
+doubt--that his particular way is incomparably the best one; but to my
+mind a very satisfactory way is to go overland from Monterey.
+
+The route we followed led us lengthwise through the wonderful Santa
+Clara country, straight up a wide box plait of valley tucked in between
+an ornamental double ruffle of mountains. I suppose if we passed one
+ranch we passed a thousand--cattle ranches, fruit ranches, hen ranches,
+chicken ranches, bee ranches--all the known varieties and subvarieties.
+
+In California you mighty soon get out of the habit of speaking of farms;
+for there are no farms--only ranches. The particular ranch to which you
+have reference may be a ten-thousand-acre ranch, where they raise enough
+beef critters to feed a standing army, or it may be a half-acre ranch,
+where somebody is trying to make things home-like and happy for eight
+hens and a rooster; but a ranch it always is, and usually it is a model
+of its kind, too. The birds in California do not build nests. They build
+ranches.
+
+Most of the way along the Santa Clara Valley our tires glided upon an
+arrow-straight, unbelievably smooth stretch of magnificent automobile
+road, which--when it is completed--will extend without a break from the
+Oregon line to the Mexican line, and will be the finest, costliest, best
+thoroughfare to be found within the boundaries of any state of the
+Union, that being the scale upon which they work out their
+public-utility plans in the West.
+
+Eventually the road changes into a paved and curbed avenue, lined with
+seemingly unending aisles of the tall gum trees. Soon you begin to
+skitter past the suburban villas of rich men, set back in ornamental
+landscape effects of green lawns and among tropical verdure. You emerge
+from this into a gently rolling plateau, upon which flower gardens of
+incomparable richness are interspersed with the homely structures that
+inevitably mark the proximity of any great city. There, rising ahead of
+you, are the foothills that protect, upon its landward side, San
+Francisco, the city that has produced more artists, more poets, more
+writers, more actors, more pugilists, more sudden millionaires--cries of
+Question! Question! from the Pittsburgh delegation--more good fiction
+and more Native Sons than any community in the Western Hemisphere.
+
+You aren't there yet, however. Next you round a sloping shoulder of a
+hill and slide down into a shore road, with the beating, creaming surf
+on one side, and on the other a long succession of the sort of
+architectural triumphs that have made Coney Island famous. You negotiate
+another small ridge and there, suddenly spread out before you, is the
+Golden Gate, with the city itself cuddled in between the ocean and the
+friendly protecting mountains at its back. The Seal Rocks are there, and
+the Cliff House, and the Presidio, and all. New York has a wonderful
+harbor entrance; Nature did some of it and man did the rest. San
+Francisco has an even more wonderful one, and the hand of man did not
+need to touch it. When Nature got through with it, it was a complete and
+satisfactory job.
+
+The first convincing impression the newcomer gets of San Francisco is
+that here is a permanent city--a city that has found itself, has
+achieved its own personality, and is satisfied with it. Perhaps, because
+they are growing so fast, certain of the other Coast cities strike the
+casual observer as having just been put up. I was told that a man who
+lives on a residential street of San Diego has to mark his house with
+chalk when he leaves of a morning in order to know it when he gets home
+at night. A real-estate agent told me so, and I do not think a Southern
+California real-estate agent would deceive anybody--more particularly a
+stranger from the East. So it must be true. And Los Angeles' main
+business district is like a transverse slice chopped out of the middle
+of Manhattan Island. It isn't Western. It is typically New Yorky--as
+alive as New York and as handsomely done. You can almost imagine you are
+at the corner of Broadway and Forty-second Street.
+
+San Francisco, it seems to me, isn't like any city on earth except San
+Francisco. Once you get away from the larger hotels, which are accurate
+copies of the metropolitan article of the East, even to the afternoon
+tea-fighting melees of the women, you find yourself in a city that is
+absolutely individual and distinctive. It impresses its originality upon
+you; it presents itself with an air of having been right there from the
+beginning--and this, too, in spite of the fact that the ravages of the
+great fire are still visible in old cellar excavations and piles of
+debris. Practically every building in the main part of the town has
+been rebuilt within eight years and is still new. The scars are fresh,
+but the spirit is old and abides.
+
+This same essence of individuality tinctures the lives, the manners and
+the conversations of the people. They do not strike you as being
+Westerners or as being transplanted Easterners; they are San
+Franciscans. Even when all other signs fail you may, nevertheless,
+instantly discern certain unfailing traits--to wit, as follows: 1--A San
+Franciscan shudders with ill-concealed horror when anybody refers to his
+beloved city as Frisco--which nobody ever does unless it be a raw alien
+from the other side of the continent; 2--He does not brag of the climate
+with that constancy which provides his neighbor of Los Angeles a
+never-failing topic of congenial conversation; and 3--He assures you
+with a regretful sighing note in his voice that the old-time romance
+disappeared with the destruction of the old-time buildings, the old-time
+resorts and the old-time neighborhoods.
+
+It has been my experience that romance is always in the past tense
+anyhow. Romance is a commodity that was extremely plentiful last week or
+last year or last century, but for the moment they are entirely out of
+it, and can't say with any degree of certainty when a fresh stock will
+be coming in. This is largely true of all the formerly romantic cities I
+know anything about, and it appears to be especially true of San
+Francisco. Romance invariably acquires added value after it has
+vanished; in this respect it is very much like a history-making epoch.
+An epoch rarely seems to create any great amount of excitement when it
+is in process of epoching, or at least the excitement is only temporary
+and soon abates. Afterward we look back upon it with a feeling of
+longing, but when it was actually coming to pass we took it--after the
+first shock of surprise--as a matter of course.
+
+No doubt our children and our children's children will read in the
+text-books that the first decade of the twentieth century was
+distinguished as the age when the auto and tango came into use, and
+people learned to fly, and grown men wore bracelet watches and carried
+their handkerchiefs up their cuffs; and they will repine because they,
+too, did not live in those stirring times. But we of the present
+generation who recently passed through these experiences have already
+accepted them without undue excitement, just as our forefathers in their
+day accepted the submarine cable, the galvanic battery and the congress
+gaiter.
+
+[Illustration: EVEN THE PLACE WHERE THE TURKEY TROT ORIGINATED WAS
+TROTLESS AND QUIET]
+
+Age and antiquity give an added value to everything except an egg. In my
+own case I know how it was with regard to the Egyptian scarab. For years
+I felt that I could never rest satisfied until I had gone to Egypt and
+had personally broken into the tomb of some sleeping Pharaoh or some
+crumbly old Rameses, and with my own hands had ravished from it a
+mummified specimen of that fabled beetle which the ancients worshiped
+and buried with them in their tombs. But not long ago I made the
+discovery that, in coloring, habits, customs and general walk and
+conversation, the scarab of the Egyptians was none other than the
+common tumblebug of the Southern dirt roads. Right there was where I
+lost interest in the scarab. He was no novelty to me--not after that he
+wasn't. As a boy I had known him intimately.
+
+So, when I was repeatedly assured that the old-time romance had vanished
+from San Francisco, and with it the atmosphere that bred Bohemianism and
+developed literature and art, and kept alive the spirit of the
+Forty-niner times, and all that, I made my own allowances. Those who
+mourned for the fire-blasted past may have been right, in a measure.
+Certainly the old-time Chinatown isn't there any more--or, at any rate,
+isn't there in its physical aspects. The rebuilt Chinatown of San
+Francisco, though infinitely larger, isn't so picturesque really or so
+Chinesey looking as New York's Chinatown.
+
+I did not dare to give utterance to this treasonable statement until I
+was well away from San Francisco, but it is true all the same. I cruised
+the shores of the far-famed and much-written-about Barbary Coast; and
+it seemed to me that in its dun-colored tiresomeness and in its
+miserable transparent counterfeit of joy it was up to the general
+metropolitan average--that it was just as tiresome and humdrum as the
+avowedly wicked section of any city always is.
+
+However, I was told that I had arrived just one week too late to see the
+Barbary Coast at its best--meaning by that its worst; for during the
+week before the police, growing virtuous, had put the crusher on the
+dance-halls and the hobble on the tango-twisters. Even the place where
+the turkey trot originated--a place that would naturally be a shrine to
+a New Yorker--was trotless and quiet--in mourning for its firstborn.
+
+The so-called French restaurants, which for years gave an unwholesome
+savor to certain phases of San Francisco life, had likewise been
+sterilized and purified. I wished I might have got there before the
+housecleaning took place; but, even so, I should probably have been
+disappointed. What makes the vice of ancient Babylon seem by contrast
+more seductive to us than the vice of the Bowery is that Babylon is gone
+and the Bowery isn't.
+
+Likewise the night life of San Francisco, of which in times past I had
+read so much, was disillusionizing, because it wasn't visible to the
+naked eye. On this proposition Los Angeles puts it all over San
+Francisco; for this, though, there is an easy explanation. Los Angeles
+boasts what is said to be the completest trolley system in the world;
+undoubtedly it is the noisiest in the world. The tracks seem to run
+through every street; there is a curve at every corner, I think, and a
+switch in the middle of every block. Every thirty seconds or so a car
+comes along, and it always comes at top speed and takes the curve
+without slackening up; and the motorman is always clanging his gong in a
+whole-souled manner that would entitle him to membership in the Swiss
+Bellringers.
+
+Naturally the folks in Los Angeles stay up late--they can't figure on
+doing much sleeping anyhow; but either San Francisco has fewer trolley
+cars to the acre or else the motormen are not quite so musically
+inclined, and people may get to bed at a Christian hour. Most of them do
+it, too, if I am one to judge. At night in San Francisco I didn't see a
+single owl lunch wagon or meet a single beggar. Newsboys were remarkably
+scarce and taxicabs seemed to be few and far between. These things help
+to make any other city; without them San Francisco still manages to be a
+city--another proof of her individuality.
+
+The old romance of the Old San Francisco may be dead and buried--the
+residents unite in saying that it is, and they ought to know; but, even
+so, New San Francisco may well brag today of a greater romance than any
+it ever knew--the romance of achievement. Somebody said not long ago
+that the greatest of all monuments to American pluck was San Francisco
+rebuilt; but if there was pluck in it there was romance too. And there
+is romance, plenty of it, in the exposition these people have planned
+and are now carrying out to commemorate the opening of the Panama
+Canal.
+
+To begin with, citizens of San Francisco and of the state of California
+are paying the whole bill themselves--they did not ask the Federal
+Government to contribute a red cent of the millions being spent and that
+will be spent, and to date the Federal Government has not contributed a
+red cent either. Climatic conditions are in their favor. Other
+expositions have had to contend with hot weather--sometimes with beastly
+hot weather; those other expositions could not open up until well into
+the spring, and they closed perforce with the coming of cold weather in
+the fall. But San Francisco is never very hot and never really cold, and
+California becomes an out-of-door land as soon as the rains end; so this
+fair will be actively and continuously in operation for nine months
+instead of being limited to four or five months as the period of its
+greatest activities.
+
+Then, again, there is another advantage--the exposition grounds are
+situated well within the city; the site is within easy riding distance
+of the civic center and not miles away from the middle of town, as has
+been the case in certain other instances in this country where big
+expositions were held. It is a place admirably devised by Nature for the
+purposes to which it is now being put--a six-hundred-acre tract
+stretching along the water-front, with the Presidio at its farther end,
+the high hills behind it, and in front of it the exquisite panorama of
+the Golden Gate, with emerald islands rising beyond; and Berkeley and
+Oakland just across the way; and on beyond, northward across the
+narrowing portals of the harbor, the big green mountain of Tamalpais,
+rising sheer out of the sea.
+
+Moreover, the president of the exposition and his aides promised that
+the whole thing, down to the minutest detail, would be completed and
+ready months before the date set for opening the gates--which furnishes
+another strikingly novel note in expositions, if their words come true;
+and they declared that, for beauty of conception and harmony of design,
+their exposition of 1915 would surpass any exposition ever seen in this
+country or in any other country. Probably they are right. I know that,
+when I was there, the view from the first rise back of the grounds,
+looking down upon that long flat where men by thousands were toiling,
+and building after building was rising, made a picture sufficiently
+inspiring to warm the enthusiasm and brisken the imagination of any man,
+be he alien or native.
+
+There isn't any doubt, though, that the people of San Francisco are
+going to have their hands full when the exposition visitors begin to
+pile in. By that I do not mean that the housing and feeding
+accommodations and the transit facilities will be deficient; but it is
+going to be a most overpoweringly big job to educate the pilgrims up to
+the point where they will call San Francisco by its full name. All true
+San Franciscans are very touchy on this point--touchy as hedgehogs, they
+are; the prejudice extends to all classes, with the possible exception
+of the Chinese.
+
+I heard a story of a seafaring person, ignorant and newly arrived, who
+drifted into a waterfront saloon, called for a simple glass of beer and
+spoke a few casual words of greeting to the barkeeper--and woke up the
+next morning in the hospital with a very bad headache and a bandage
+round his throbbing brows. It developed that he had three times in rapid
+succession referred to the city as Frisco, and on being warned against
+this practice had inquired:
+
+"Well, wot do you want me to call her--plain Fris?"
+
+That was the last straw. The barkeeper took a bung-starter and felled
+him as flat as a felled seam--and all present agreed that it served him
+right.
+
+An even worse breach of etiquette on the part of the outlander is to
+intimate that an earthquake preceded the great fire. That is positively
+the unforgivable sin! In any quarter of the city you could get many
+subscriptions for a fund to buy something with silver handles on it for
+any man who would insist upon talking of earthquakes. To make my meaning
+clearer, I will state that there are only two objects of general use in
+the civilized world that have silver handles on them, and one of them is
+a loving cup; but this article would not be a loving cup. A native will
+willingly concede that there was a fire, which burned its memories deep
+into the consciousness of the city that recovered from it with such
+splendid courage and such inconceivable rapidity; but by common consent
+there was nothing else. It does not take the stranger long to get this
+point of view, either.
+
+If I were in charge of the publicity work of the San Francisco Fair I
+should advertise two attractions that would surely appeal to all the
+women in this country, and to most of the men. In my press work I would
+dwell at length upon the fact that in this part of California a woman
+may wear any weight and any style of clothes--spring clothes, summer
+clothes, fall clothes or winter clothes--and not only be perfectly
+comfortable while so doing, but be in the fashion besides; and to be in
+the fashion is a thing calculated to make a woman comfortable whether
+she otherwise is or not.
+
+To see a group of four women promenading a San Francisco street on a
+pleasant morning is to be reminded of that ballet representing the Four
+Seasons, which we used to see in the second act of every well-regulated
+extravaganza. The woman nearest the walls has on her furs--it is always
+cool in the shade; the one next to her is wearing the very latest
+wrinkles in spring garniture; the third one, let us say, is dressed in
+the especially becoming frock she bought last October; and the one on
+the outside, where the sun shines the brightest, is as summery in her
+white ducks and her white slippers as though she had just stepped off
+the cover of the August number of a magazine. There is something, too,
+about the salt-laden breezes of San Francisco that gives women wonderful
+complexions; that detail, properly press-agented, ought to fetch the
+entire female population of the United States.
+
+[Illustration: THE WOMAN NEAREST THE WALL HAS ON HER FURS--IT IS ALWAYS
+COOL IN THE SHADE]
+
+For drawing the men, I would exploit the great cardinal fact that
+nowhere in the country--not even in Norfolk or Baltimore or New
+Orleans--can you get better things to eat than in San Francisco. For its
+size, I believe there are more good clubs and more good restaurants
+right there than in any other spot on the habitable globe. Particularly
+in the preparation of the typical dishes of the Coast do the San
+Francisco cooks excel; their cuisine is based on a sane American
+foundation, with a delectable suggestion of the Spanish in it, and
+sometimes with a traceable suggestion of the best there is in the
+Italian and the Chinese schools of cookery.
+
+To one whose taste in oysters has been developed by eating the
+full-chested bi-valve of the Eastern seaboard and the deep-lunged,
+long-bodied product of the Louisiana bayous, the native oyster does not
+greatly appeal. A lot has been written and printed about the California
+oyster, but in my opinion he will always have considerable difficulty in
+living up to his press notices. It takes about a thousand of him to make
+a quart and about a hundred of him to make a taste. Even then he doesn't
+taste much like a real oyster, but more like an infinitesimal scrap of
+sponge where a real oyster camped out overnight once.
+
+There is a dream of a little fish, however, called a sand dab--he is a
+tiny, flounder-shaped titbit hailing from deep water; and for eating
+purposes he is probably the best fish that swims--better even than the
+pompano of the Gulf--and when you say that you are saying about all
+there is to be said for a fish. And the big crabs of the Pacific side
+are the hereditary princes of the crab family. They look like
+spread-eagles; and properly prepared they taste like Heaven. I often
+wonder what the crabsters buy one-half so precious as the stuff they
+sell--which is a quotation from Omar, with original interpolations by
+me. The domestic cheese of the Sierras is not without its attractions
+also, whether you eat it fresh or whether you keep it until its general
+aspect and prevalent atmosphere are such as to satisfy even one of those
+epicurean cheese-eaters who think that no cheese is fit to eat until you
+can't.
+
+Another thing worthy of mention in connection with this California
+school of cookery is that you can pay as little as you please for your
+dinner or as much as you please. There are three standbys of the
+exchange editor that may be counted upon to appear in the newspapers
+about once in so often. One is the hoary-headed and toothless tale
+regarding the artist who was hired to renovate religious paintings in a
+church in Brussels, and turned in an itemized account including such
+entries as--"Correcting the Ten Commandments"; "Restoring the Lost
+Souls"; "Renewing Heaven"; and winding up with "Doing Several Odd Jobs
+for the Damned."
+
+The second of the set comes out of retirement at frequent
+intervals--whenever some trusting soul runs across a time-stained number
+of the Ulster Gazette giving details of the death of George
+Washington--I wonder how many million copies of that venerable
+counterfeit were printed--and writes in to his home editor about it.
+
+And the third, the most popular clipping of the three, concerns the
+prices that used to govern at the mining camps in the days of the early
+gold rush. The story that is most commonly quoted has to do with the
+menu of the El Dorado Hotel, at Placerville, where bean soup was a
+dollar a plate; hash, lowgrade, seventy-five cents; hash,
+eighteen-carat, a dollar--and so on down the list to seventy-five cents
+for two Irish potatoes, peeled.
+
+The cost of living may have gone down subsequently in those parts, but
+it has gone back up again--at certain favored spots. If the Argonauts,
+those hardy adventurers who flung their gold round so regardlessly and
+were not satisfied unless they paid outrageously big prices for
+everything, could come back today they would have no cause to complain
+at the contemptible paucity of the bill after they had dined at any one
+of half a dozen ultra-expensive hotels that are to be found dotted along
+the Coast.
+
+I append herewith a few items selected at random from the price card of
+a fashionable establishment in one of the larger Coast cities: caviar
+imperial d'Astracan, two dollars for a double portion; buffet
+Russe--whatever that is--ninety cents; German asparagus, a single
+helping, one dollar and forty cents; blue-point oysters, fifty cents;
+fifty cents for clams; Gorgonzola cheese, fifty cents a portion; and,
+in a land where peaches and figs grow anywhere and everywhere,
+seventy-five cents for an order of brandied peaches and fifty cents for
+an order of spiced figs. Even seasoned New Yorkers have been known to
+breathe hard on receiving a check for a full meal at certain restaurants
+in Los Angeles and San Francisco.
+
+On the other hand, you can step round any corner in San Francisco and
+walk into that institution which people in other large cities are
+forever seeking and never finding--a table-d'hote restaurant where a
+perfect meal is to be had at a most moderate price. The best Italian
+restaurant in the world--and I wish to say, after personal experience,
+that Sunny Italy itself is not barred--is a little place on the fringe
+of the Barbary Coast.
+
+There is another place not far away where, for a dollar, you get a
+bottle of good domestic wine and a selection from the following range of
+dishes: Celery, ripe olives, green olives, radishes, onions, lettuce,
+sliced tomatoes, combination salad or crab-meat salad; soup--onion or
+consomme; fish--sole, salmon, bass, sand dabs, mussels or clams;
+entrees--sweetbreads with mushrooms, curry of lamb, calf's tongue, tripe
+with peppers, tagliatini a l'Italienne, or boiled kidney with bacon;
+vegetables--asparagus, string-beans and cauliflower; roast--spring lamb
+with green peas, broiled chicken or broiled pig's feet; dessert--rhubarb
+pie, ice cream and cake, apple sauce, stewed fruits, baked pear or baked
+apple, mixed fruits; cheese of three varieties, and coffee to wind up
+on.
+
+The proprietor doesn't cut out his portions with a pair of buttonhole
+scissors, either, or sauce them with a medicine-dropperful of gravy. He
+gives a big, full, satisfying helping, well cooked and well served.
+There is some romance in the San Francisco cooking, too, if the
+oldtimers who bemourn the old days only realized it.
+
+If this seeming officiousness on the part of a passing wayfarer may be
+excused there is one more suggestion I should like to throw off for the
+benefit of the promoters of the exposition. Living somewhere in
+California is a man who should be looked up before the gates are opened,
+and he should be retained at a salary and staked out in suitable
+quarters as a special and added attraction. He is the most magnificent
+fish-liar in the known world! I do not know his name--he was so busy
+pouring fish stories down a party of us that he didn't take time to stop
+and tell his name--but no great difficulty should be experienced in
+finding him. There is only one of him alive--these world's wonders never
+occur in pairs. That would cheapen them and make them commonplace.
+
+He swam into our ken--if a mixed metaphor may be pardoned--on a train
+leaving Oakland for the East. We were sitting in the club car--half a
+dozen or so of us--when he drifted along. At first look no one would
+have suspected him of being so gifted a creature as he proved himself to
+be. He was a round, short, tub-shaped man, with a button nose, and a
+double chin that ran all the way round and lapped over at the back. But,
+though his appearance was deceiving, anybody could tell with half an
+eye that he excelled in extemporaneous conversation. Right off he began
+shadow-boxing and sparring about, waiting for an opening. In a minute he
+got it.
+
+The tall man with the long face and the stiff white pompadour, who
+looked like a patent toothbrush, gave him his chance. The tall man
+happened to look out of the car window and see in an inlet a fleet of
+beached fishing boats, and he remarked on their picturesqueness. That
+was the cue.
+
+"Speaking of fishing," said the button-nosed man, "I'll tell you people
+something that'll maybe interest you. You may not believe it, either, me
+being a stranger to you; but it's the Gospel truth or I wouldn't be
+sitting here a-telling it. I reckon I've done more fishing in my day and
+more different kinds of fishing than any man alive. I come originally
+from a prime fishing state--Michigan--and I've lived in Colorado and
+Montana and Oregon and all the other good fishing states out West. But,
+take it from me, friends, California is the best fishing state there is.
+Yes, sir; when it comes to fishing, old California lays it over 'em
+all--she takes the rag right off the bush! I'm the one that oughter know
+because I've fished her from end to end and crossways--sea fishing,
+creek fishing, lake fishing and all.
+
+"Down at Catalina they'll tell you, if you ask 'em, that I'm the man
+that ketched the biggest tuna that ever come out of that ocean. It took
+me fourteen hours and forty-five minutes to land him, and during that
+time he towed me and an eighteen-foot boat, and the fellow I had along
+for boatman, over forty-four miles--I measured it afterward to be
+sure--and the friction of the reel spinning round wore my line down till
+it wasn't no thicker in places than a cobweb. But tunas ain't my regular
+specialty--trouts and basses are my special favorites; and up in the
+mountains is where I mostly do my fishing.
+
+"I'm just sort of hanging round now waiting for the snow to move out
+so's I can go up there and start fishing.
+
+"Well, sirs, it's funny, ain't it, the way luck will run fishing? Oncet
+when I was living up there I fished stiddy, day in and day out, for two
+seasons and never got a bite that you could rightly call a bite. And
+then all of a sudden one afternoon the luck switched and in exactly
+forty-five minutes by the watch--by this here very watch I'm carrying
+now in my pocket--I ketched seventy-two of them big old black basses out
+of one hole; and they averaged five pounds apiece!"
+
+We looked at one another silently. A total of seventy-two five-pound
+bass in three-quarters of an hour seemed a little too much to be taken
+as a first dose from a strange practitioner. And it was hard to believe
+they had all been basses; if only for the sake of variety there should
+have been at least one barytone. We felt that we needed time for
+reflection--and digestion.
+
+Evidently realizing this, one of our number undertook to throw himself
+into the breach. As I recollect, this volunteer was the fat coffin
+drummer from Des Moines who had the round, smooth face and the round,
+bald head, and wore the fuzzy green hat with the bow at the back. I
+think he wore the bow there purposely--it simplified matters so when you
+were trying to decide which side of his head his face grew on. He heaved
+a pensive sigh out of his system and remarked upon the clearness of the
+air in these parts.
+
+"You're right there, mister," broke in the button-nosed man, snapping
+him up instantly. "The air is tolerable clear here today; but you
+oughter to see the air up in the mountains! Why, it's so clear up there
+it would make this here hill-country air look like a fog. I remember
+oncet I was browsing along a cliff up in that country, toting my
+fishpole, and I happened to look over the bluff--just so--and down below
+I saw a hole in the creek that was just crawling with them big
+trouts--steel-head trouts and rainbow trouts. I could see the spots on
+their sides and their fins waving, and their gills working up and down.
+
+"I figured out that it was fully a hundred feet down to the water and
+the water would natchelly be tolerable deep; so I let all my line run
+off the reel, a hundred and sixty feet of it; and I fished and fished
+and fished--and didn't get a strike, let alone a nibble. Yet I could
+look over and see all these hungry trouts down below looking up with
+expectant looks in their eyes--I could see their eyes--and jumping round
+regardless; and yet not a bite! So I changed bait--changed from live
+bait to dead bait, and back again to live--and still there wasn't
+nothing doing. So I says to myself: 'Something's wrong, sure! This
+thing'll stand looking into.'
+
+[Illustration: IT'S A GREAT THING OUT THERE TO BE A NATIVE SON]
+
+"So I snoops round and finds a place where there's a sort of a sloping
+place in the bluff; and I braces my pole in a rock and leaves it there;
+and I climbs down--and then I sees what's the matter. It was that there
+clear air that had fooled me! It was three hundred feet if it was an
+inch down from the top of that there bluff to the creek, and the hole
+was fully a hundred feet deep--maybe more; and away down at the plumb
+bottom all them trouts was congregated in a circlelike, looking up
+mighty greedy and longing at my bait, which was a live frog, dangling
+two hundred and forty-odd feet up in the air. But, speaking of clear
+air, that wasn't nothing at all compared to some other things I could
+tell you about. Another time----"
+
+At this point I rose and escaped to the diner. When I got back at the
+end of an hour the other survivors told me that, up to the time he got
+off at Sacramento, the button-nosed man had been getting better and
+better all the time. He certainly ought to be rounded up and put on
+exhibition at the Fair to show those puny and feeble Eastern fish-liars
+what the incomparable Western climate can produce.
+
+I almost forgot to mention San Francisco's chief product--Native Sons. A
+Native Son is one who has acquired special merit by being born in the
+state. You would think credit would be given to the subject's parents,
+where it belongs; but, no--that is not the California way. It's a great
+thing out there to be a Native Son. It counts in politics, and in
+society, and at the clubs.
+
+And, after that, the next best thing is to be a Southerner, either by
+birth or descent. People who have Southern blood in their veins are
+very proud of it and can join a club on the strength of it; and some of
+them do a lot of talking about it. The definition is rather
+elastic--anybody whose ancestors worked on the Southern Pacific is
+eligible, I think.
+
+Of course, there are a lot of real Southerners; but there are a whole
+lot more who--so it seemed to me--are giving remarkably realistic
+imitations of the type known in New York as the Professional Southerner.
+San Francisco excels in Southerners--the regular kind and the self-made
+kind both.
+
+I was out there too early in the year to meet the justly celebrated San
+Francisco flea. He's a Native Son, too; but there isn't so much bragging
+being done on his account.
+
+
+
+
+_LOOKING FOR LO_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Looking for Lo_
+
+
+IF it is your desire to observe the Red Indian of the Plains engaged in
+his tribal sports and pastimes wait for the Wild West Show; there is
+sure to be one coming to your town before the season is over. Or if you
+are bloodthirsty by nature and yearn to see him prancing round upon the
+warpath, destroying the hated paleface and strewing the soil with his
+shredded fragments, restrain your longings until next fall and then
+arrange to take in the football game between Carlisle and Princeton.
+But, whatever you do, do not go journeying into the Far West in the hope
+of finding him in great number upon his native heath, for the chances
+are that you won't find him there in great number; and if you do he will
+probably be a considerable disappointment to you; because, unless he is
+paid for it, the red brother absolutely declines to be picturesque.
+
+I am reliably informed that he is still reasonably numerous in Oklahoma,
+in North and South Dakota, and in Montana and Washington; but my
+itinerary did not include those states. I did not see a live
+Indian--that is to say, a live Indian recognizable as such--in Nevada or
+in Colorado or in Utah, or in a four-hour run across one corner of
+Wyoming.
+
+In upward of a thousand miles of travel through California I saw just
+one Indian--a bronze youth of perhaps twenty summers and, I should say,
+possibly half that many baths. He was wearing the scenario of a pair of
+overalls and a straw hat in an advanced state of decrepitude, and he was
+working in a truckpatch; if a native had not told me what he was I would
+have passed him by for a sunburnt hired hand.
+
+I saw a few Indians in New Mexico and a few more in Arizona, but not a
+great many at that; and these, as I found out later, were mainly engaged
+to linger in the vicinity of stations and hotels along the line for the
+purpose of adding a touch of color to the surroundings and incidentally
+selling souvenirs to the tourists.
+
+Mind you, I'm not saying there are not plenty of Indians in those
+states; but they mostly stay on their reservations and the reservations
+unfortunately are not, as a rule, near the railroad stations. A traveler
+going through the average small Southern town sees practically the
+entire strength of the colored citizenry gathered at the depot and jumps
+at the conclusion that the population is from ninety to ninety-five per
+cent. black. In the West he sees maybe one little Indian settlement in a
+stretch of five or six hundred miles, and he figures that the Indian is
+practically an extinct species.
+
+Of course, though, he is not extinct. In these piping commercial days of
+acute competition he has no time to be gallivanting down to the depot
+every time a through train rolls in, especially as the depot is
+frequently eighty or ninety miles distant from his domicile. He is
+closely confined at home turning out souvenirs. It is a pity, too, that
+he cannot spare more of his time for this simple and inexpensive
+pleasure. In one week's study of the passing tourist breed he could see
+enough funny sights and hear enough funny things--unintentionally funny
+things--to keep his family entertained on many a long winter's evening
+as they sit peacefully in the wigwam making knickknacks for the Eastern
+trade.
+
+[Illustration: EACH NAVAJO SQUAW WEAVES ON AN AVERAGE NINE THOUSAND
+BLANKETS A YEAR]
+
+No, sirree! Those Southwestern tribes are far from being
+extinct--especially the Navajos. You can, in a way, approximate the
+tribal strength of the Navajos by the number of Navajo blankets you see.
+From Colorado to the Coast the Navajo blanket carpets the earth. I'll
+bet any amount within reason that in six weeks' time I saw ten million
+Navajo blankets if I saw one. As for other things--bows and arrows, for
+example--well, I do not wish to exaggerate; but had I bought all the
+wooden bows and arrows that were offered to me I could take them and
+build a rustic footbridge across the Delaware River at Trenton, with a
+neat handrail all the way over. Taking the figures of the last census as
+a working basis I calculate that each Navajo squaw weaves, on an
+average, nine thousand blankets a year; and while she is so engaged her
+husband, the metal worker of the establishment, is producing a couple of
+tons of silver bracelets set with turquoises. For prolixity of output I
+know of no female in the entire animal kingdom that can compare with the
+Navajo squaw--unless it is the lady Potomac shad.
+
+Right here I wish to claim one proud distinction: I went from the
+Atlantic to the Pacific and back again--and I did not buy a single
+blanket! Since the return of the Lewis & Clark expedition I am probably
+the only white person who has ever done this. Goodness knows the call
+was strong enough and the opportunities abundant enough; blankets were
+available for my inspection at every railroad station, at every hotel,
+and at every one of two hundred thousand souvenir stores that I
+encountered--but I was under orders from headquarters.
+
+As we were bidding farewell to our family before starting West, our wife
+said to us in firm, decided accents: "I have already picked out a place
+where we can hide the Cheyenne war-bonnet. We can get rid of the
+moccasins and the stone hatchets and the beadwork breastplates by
+storing them in a trunk up in the attic. But do not bring a Navajo
+blanket back to this already crowded establishment!" So we restrained
+ourselves. But it was a hard struggle and took a heroic effort.
+
+I recall one blanket, done in gray and black and red and white, and
+decorated with the figures of the Thunder Bird and the Swastika, the
+Rising Sun and the Jig Saw, and other Indian signs, symbols and emblems.
+It was with the utmost difficulty that I wrenched myself away from the
+vicinity of this treasure. And then, when I got back home, feeling proud
+as Punch over having withstood temptation in all its forms, almost the
+first words I heard, spoken in tones of deep disappointment, were these:
+"Well, why didn't you bring a Navajo blanket for the den? You know we've
+always wanted one!" Wasn't that just like a woman?
+
+Though I refrained from seeking bargains in the blankets of the
+aborigine, I sought diligently enough for the aborigine himself. I had
+my first glimpse of him in Northern New Mexico just after we had come
+down out of Colorado. Accompanied by his lady, he was languidly reposing
+on the platform in front of a depot, with his wares tastefully arranged
+at his feet. As a concession to the acquired ideals of the Eastern
+visitor he had a red sofa tidy draped round his shoulders, and there was
+a tired-looking hen-feather caught negligently in his back hair; and his
+squaw displayed ornamented leggings below the hems of her simple calico
+walking skirt. But these adornments, I gathered, constituted the calling
+costume, so to speak.
+
+When at home in his village the universal garment of the Pueblo male is
+the black sateen shirt of commerce. He puts it on and wears it until it
+is taken up by absorption, and then it is time to put on another. These
+shirts do not require washing; but, among the best Pueblo families, I
+understand it is customary--once in so often--to have them searched.
+And thus is the wild life of the West kept down.
+
+Farther along the line, in Arizona, we met the Hopi and the
+Navajo--delegations from both of these tribes having been imported from
+the reservations to give an added touch of picturesqueness to the
+principal hotel of the Grand Canon. The Hopi, who excels at snake
+dancing and pottery work, is a mannerly little chap; and his daughter,
+with her hair done up in elaborate whorl effects in fancied imitation of
+the squash blossom--the squash being the Hopi emblem of purity--is a
+decidedly attractive feature of the landscape.
+
+The Hopi women are industrious little bodies, clever at basket
+weaving--and the men work, too, when not engaged in attending lodge; for
+the Hopis are the ritualists of the Southwest, and every Hopi is a
+confirmed joiner. Their secret societies exist to-day, uncorrupted and
+unchanged, just as they have survived for hundreds and perhaps thousands
+of years. In the Hopi House at Grand Canon there is a reproduction of a
+kiva or underground temple. It isn't underground--it is located
+upstairs; but in all other regards it is supposed to conform exactly to
+one of the real ceremonial chambers of the Hopis. The dried-mud walls
+are covered thickly with symbolic devices, painted on; and there is an
+altar tricked out with totems of the Powamu clan, one of the biggest of
+these societies.
+
+Just in front of the altar, with its wooden figures of the War God, the
+God of Growing Things, and the God of Thunder, is a sand painting set in
+the floor like a mosaic. When one of the clans is getting ready for a
+service the official high priest or medicine man of that particular clan
+sprinkles clean brown sand upon the flat earth before the altar and upon
+this foundation, by trickling between his thumb and forefinger tiny
+streams of sands of other colors, he makes the mystic figures that he
+worships. After the rites are over he obliterates the design with his
+hand, leaving the space bare for the next clan.
+
+In the Hopi House at Grand Canon a sand painting sacred to the Antelope
+clan is preserved under glass for the benefit of visitors. The manager
+of the establishment, a Mr. Smith, who has spent most of his life among
+the tribes of Arizona, told us a story about this.
+
+Two years ago this summer, a party of Mystic Shriners on an excursion
+visited the canyon. Mr. Smith chaperoned one group of them on their tour
+through the Hopi House. In the sand painting of the kiva they seemed to
+find something that particularly interested them. They put their heads
+together, talking in undertones and pointing--so Smith said--first at
+one design and then at another. An old Hopi buck, a priest of the
+Antelope clan, was lounging in the low doorway watching them. What the
+Shriners said to one another could have had no significance for him,
+even admitting that he heard them, for he did not understand a word of
+English; but suddenly he reached forth a withered hand and plucked Smith
+by the sleeve. I am letting Smith tell the rest of the tale just as he
+told it to us:
+
+"The Hopi pointed to one of the Shriners, an elderly man who came, I
+think, from somewhere in Illinois, and in his own tongue he said to me:
+'That man with the white hair is a Hopi--and he is a member of my clan!'
+I said to him: 'You speak foolishness--that man comes from the East and
+never until to-day saw a Hopi in his whole life!' The medicine man
+showed more excitement than I ever saw an Indian show.
+
+"'You are lying to me!' he said. 'That white-haired man is a Hopi, or
+else his people long ago were Hopis.' I laughed at him and that ruffled
+his dignity and he turned away, and I couldn't get another word out of
+him.
+
+"As the Shriners were passing out I halted the white-haired man and said
+to him: 'The Hopi medicine man insists that you are a Hopi and that you
+know something about his clan.' 'Well,' he said, 'I'm no Hopi; but I
+think I do know something about some of the things he seems to revere.
+Where is this medicine man?'
+
+"I pointed to where the old Indian was squatted in a corner, sulking; he
+walked right over to him and motioned to him, and the Hopi got up and
+they went into the kiva together. I do not know what passed between
+them--certainly no words passed--but in about ten minutes the Shriner
+came out, and he had a puzzled look on his face.
+
+"'I've just had the most wonderful experience,' he said to me, 'that
+I've ever had in my whole life. Of course that Indian isn't a Mason, but
+in a corrupted form he knows something about Masonry; and where he
+learned it I can't guess. Why, there are lodges in this country where I
+actually believe he could work his way in.'"
+
+Not being either a Mason or a Hopi, I cannot undertake to vouch for the
+story or to contradict it; but Smith has the reputation of being a
+truthful man.
+
+The Navajos are the aristocrats of the Southwestern country. They are
+dignified, cleanly in their personal habits, and orderly; and they are
+wonderful artisans. In addition to being wonderful weavers and excellent
+silversmiths, they shine at agriculture and at stock raising and sheep
+raising. They are born horse-traders, too, and at driving a bargain it
+is said a buck Navajo can spot a Scotchman five balls any time and beat
+him out; but they have the name of being absolutely honest and
+absolutely truthful.
+
+This same Mr. Smith, who has lived several years on the Navajo
+reservation and who is an adopted member of the tribe, took several of
+us to pay a formal call upon a Navajo subchief, who spends the tourist
+season at the Grand Canon. The old chap, long-haired and the color of a
+prime smoke-cured ham, received us with perfect courtesy into his winter
+residence, the same being a circular hut contrived by overlapping
+timbers together in a kind of basket design and then coating the logs
+inside and out with adobe clay.
+
+The place was clean and free from all unpleasant odors. In the middle of
+the floor a fire burned, the smoke escaping through a hole in the roof.
+At one side was the primitive forge, where the head of the house worked
+in metals; and against the far wall his squaw was hunkered down,
+weaving a blanket on her wooden loom. A couple of his young offspring
+were playing about, dressed simply in their little negligee-strings. The
+mud walls were hung with completed blankets. Long, stringy strips of
+dried beef and mutton--the national dishes of the tribe--were dangling
+from cross-pieces overhead; and on a rug upon the earthen floor lay a
+glittering pile of bracelets and brooches that had been made by the old
+man out of Mexican dollars. When we came away, after spending fifteen
+minutes or so as their guests, the whole family came with us; but the
+old man tarried a minute to fasten a small brass padlock through a hasp
+upon his wattled wooden door.
+
+"Up on the reservation, away from the railroads and the towns, there are
+no locks upon the doors," Smith said.
+
+"Why is that?" I asked.
+
+Smith grinned. "I'll tell the old man what you said and let him answer."
+
+He clucked in guttural monosyllables to the chief, and the chief clucked
+back briefly, meanwhile eyeing me with a whimsical squint out of his
+puckered old eyes. And then Smith translated:
+
+"Why should we lock our doors in the place where we live? There are no
+white men there!"
+
+I will confess that as a representative of the dominant Caucasian stock
+I had, for the moment, no apt reply ready. Later I thought of a very
+fitting retort, which undoubtedly would have flattened that impertinent
+Indian as flat as a flounder; unfortunately, though, it only came to me
+after several days of study, and by that time I was upward of a thousand
+miles away from him. But I am saving it to use on him the next time I go
+back to the Grand Canon. No mere Indian can slander our race, even if he
+is telling the truth--not while I'm around!
+
+Down in Southern California I rather figured on finding a large swarm of
+Mission Indians clustering about every Mission; but, alas! they weren't
+there, either. We saw a few worshipers and plenty of tourists, but no
+Indians--at least, I didn't see any personally. There is something
+wonderfully impressive about a first trip to any one of those old gray
+churches; everything about it is eloquent with memories of that older
+civilization which this Western country knew long before the Celt and
+the Anglo-Saxon breeds came over the Divide and down the Pacific Slope,
+filled with their lust for gold and lands, craving ever more power and
+more territory over which to float the Stars and Stripes.
+
+The vanished day of the Spaniard now lives only within the walls of the
+early Missions, but it invests them with that added veneration which
+attaches to whatever is old and traditional and historic. We haven't a
+great deal that is very old in our own country; maybe that explains why
+we fuss over it so when we come across it in Europe.
+
+[Illustration: AS SHE LEVELED THE LENS A YELL WENT UP FROM SOMEWHERE]
+
+There is one Mission which in itself, it seemed to me, is almost worth a
+trip clear across the continent to see--the one at Santa Barbara. It is
+up the side of a gentle foothill, with the mountains of the Coast Range
+behind it. Down below the roofs and spires of a brisk little city
+show through green clumpage, and still farther beyond the blue waters of
+the Pacific may be seen.
+
+Parts of this Mission are comparatively new; there are retouchings and
+restorations that date back only sixty or seventy years, but most of it
+speaks to you of an earlier century than this and an earlier race than
+the one that now peoples the land. You pass through walls of solid
+masonry that are sixteen feet thick and pierced by narrow passages; you
+climb winding stairs to a squat tower where sundry cracked brazen bells,
+the gifts of Spanish gentlemen who died a hundred years ago perhaps,
+swing by withes of ancient rawhide from great, worm-gnawed, hand-riven
+beams; you walk through the Mission burying-ground, past crumbly old
+family vaults with half-obliterated names and titles and dates upon
+their ovenlike fronts, and you wander at will among the sunken
+individual graves under the palms and pepper trees.
+
+Most convincing of all to me were the stone-flagged steps at the door of
+the church itself, for they are all worn down like the teeth of an old
+horse--in places they are almost worn in two. Better than any guidebook
+patter of facts and figures--better than the bells and the graves and
+the hand-made beams--these steps convey to the mind a sense of age.
+
+You stand and look at them, and you see there the tally of vanished
+generations--the heavy boot of the conquistador; the sandaled foot of
+the old padre; the high heel of a dainty Spanish-born lady; the bare,
+horny sole of the Indian convert--each of them taking its tiny toll out
+of stone and mortar--each of them wearing away its infinitesimal
+mite--until through years and years the firm stone was scored away and
+channeled out and left at it is now, with curves in it and deep hollows.
+
+Given a dime's worth of imagination to start on, almost any one could
+people that spot with the dead-and-gone figures of that shadowy past;
+could forget the trolley cars curving right up to the walls; the
+electric lights strung in globular festoons along the ancient ceilings
+of the porticoes; the roofs of the new, shiny modern bungalows dotting
+the gentle slopes below--could forget even that the brown-cowled,
+rope-girthed father who served as guide spoke with a strong German
+accent; could almost forgive the impious driver of the rig that brought
+one here for referring to this place as the Mish. But be sure there
+would be one thing to bring you hurtling back again to earth, no matter
+how far aloft your fancy soared--and that would be the ever-present
+souvenir-collecting tourist, to whom no shrine is holy and no memory is
+sacred.
+
+There is no charge for admission to the Mission. All comers, regardless
+of breed or creed, are welcomed; and on constant duty is a gentle-voiced
+priest, ready to lead the way to the inner rooms where priceless relics
+of the day when the Spaniards first came to California are displayed;
+and into the church itself, with its candles burning before the high
+altar and the quaint old holy pictures ranged thick upon the walls; and
+through the burying-ground--and to all the rest of it; and for this
+service there is nothing to pay. On departing the visitor, if he
+chooses, may leave a coin behind; but he doesn't have to--it isn't
+compulsory.
+
+There is a kind of traveler who repays this hospitality by defiling the
+walls with his inconsequential name, scratched in or scrawled on, and by
+toting away as a souvenir whatever portable object he can confiscate
+when nobody is looking. Up in the bell tower the masonry is all defaced
+and pocked where these vandals have dug at it with pocketknives; and as
+we were coming away, one of them--a typical specimen--showed me with
+deep pride half of a brick pouched in his coat pocket. It seemed that
+while the priest's back was turned he had pried it loose from the
+frilled ornamentation of a vault in the burying-ground at the cost only
+of his self-respect--admitting that he had any of that commodity in
+stock--and a broken thumbnail. It was, indeed, a priceless treasure and
+he valued it accordingly. And yet, at a distance of ten feet in an
+ordinary light, no one not in the secret could have said offhand whether
+that half-brick came out of a Mission tomb in California or a
+smokehouse in Arkansas.
+
+We didn't see any Indians when we ran down into Mexico. However, we only
+ran into Mexico for a distance of a mile and a half below the California
+state boundary, and maybe that had something to do with it. By
+automobile we rode from San Diego over to the town of Tia Juana,
+signifying, in our tongue, Aunt Jane. Ramona, heroine of Helen Hunt
+Jackson's famous novel, had an aunt called Jane. I guess they had a
+grudge against the lady; they named this town after her.
+
+Selling souvenirs to tourists, who come daily on sightseeing coaches
+from Coronado Beach and San Diego, is the principal pastime of the
+natives of Tia Juana. Weekdays they do this; and sometimes on a Sunday
+afternoon they have a bullfight in their little bullring. On such an
+occasion the bullfighting outfit is specially imported from one of the
+larger towns farther inland. Sometimes the whole troupe comes from
+Juarez and puts on a regular metropolitan production, with the original
+all-star cast. There is the gallant performer known as the armadilla,
+who teases the bull to desperation by waving a red shawl at him; the no
+less daring parabola, sticking little barbed boleros in the bull's
+withers; and, last of all, the intrepid mantilla, who calmly meets the
+final rush of the infuriated beast and, with one unerring thrust of his
+trusty sword, delivers the porte-cochere, or fatal stroke, just behind
+the left shoulder-blade, while all about the assembled peons and
+pianolas rend the ambient air with their delighted cry: _"Hoi Polloi!
+Hoi Polloi! Dolce far niente!"_
+
+Isn't it remarkable how readily the seasoned tourist masters the
+difficulties of a foreign language? Before I had been in Mexico an hour
+I had picked up the intricate phraseology of the bullfight; and I was
+glad afterward that I took the trouble to get it all down in my mind
+correctly, because such knowledge always comes in handy. You can use it
+with effect in company--it stamps you as a person of culture and
+travel--and it impresses other people; but then I always could pick up
+foreign languages easily. I do not wish to boast--but with me it amounts
+to a positive gift.
+
+It was a weekday when we visited Tia Juana, and so there was no
+bullfight going on; in fact, there didn't seem to be much of anything
+going on. Once in a while a Spigotty lady would pass, closely followed
+by a couple of little Spigots, and occasionally the postmaster would
+wake up long enough to accept a sheaf of postcards from a tourist and
+then go right back to sleep again. We had sampled the tamales of the
+country, finding them only slightly inferior to the same article as sold
+in Kansas City, Kansas; and we had drifted--three of us--into a Mexican
+cafe. It was about ten feet square and was hung with chromos furnished
+by generous Milwaukee brewers and other decorations familiar to all who
+have ever visited a crossroads bar-room on our own side of the line.
+Bottled beer appeared to be the one best bet in the drinking line, and
+the safest one, too; but somehow I hated--over here upon the soil of
+another country--to be calling for the domestic brews of our own St.
+Louis! Personally I desired to conform my thirst to the customs of the
+country--only I didn't know what to ask for. I had learned the
+bullfighting language, but I hadn't progressed very far beyond that
+point. While I was deliberating a Mexican came in and said something in
+Spanish to the barkeeper and the barkeeper got a bottle of a clear,
+almost colorless fluid out from under the counter and poured him a
+sherry glassful of it. So then, by means of a gesture that is universal
+and is understood in all climes, I indicated to the barkeeper that I
+would take a little of the same.
+
+The moment, though, that I had swallowed it I realized I had been too
+hasty. It was mescal--an explosive in liquid form that is brewed or
+stilled or steeped, or something, from the juices of a certain variety
+of cactus, according to a favorite family prescription used by Old Nick
+several centuries ago when he was residing in this section. For its size
+and complexion I know of nothing that is worthy to be mentioned in the
+same breath with mescal, unless it is the bald-faced hornet of the Sunny
+South. It goes down easily enough--that is not the trouble--but as soon
+as it gets down you have the sensation of having swallowed a comet.
+
+As I said before, I didn't see any Indians in Old Mexico, but if I had
+taken one more swig of the national beverage I am satisfied that not
+only would I have seen a great number of them, but, with slight
+encouragement, might have been one myself. For the purpose of assuaging
+the human thirst I would say that it is a mistake on the part of a
+novice to drink mescal--he should begin by swallowing a lighted kerosene
+lamp for practice and work up gradually; but the experience was
+illuminating as tending to make me understand why the Mexicans are so
+prone to revolutions. A Mexican takes a drink of mescal before
+breakfast, on an empty stomach, and then he begins to revolute round
+regardless.
+
+On leaving Tia Juana we stopped to view the fort, which was the
+principal attraction of the place. It was located in the outskirts just
+back of the cluster of adobe houses and frame shacks that made up the
+town. The fort proper consisted of a mud wall about three feet high,
+inclosing perhaps half an acre of bare clayey soil. Outside the wall
+was a moat, upward of a foot deep, and inside was a barrack. This
+barrack--I avoid using the plural purposely--was a wooden shanty that
+had been whitewashed once, but had practically recovered from it since;
+and its walls were pierced--for artillery-fire, no doubt--with two
+windows, to the frames of which a few fragments of broken glass still
+adhered. Overhead the flag of the republic was flying; and every
+half-minute, so it seemed to us, a drum would beat and a bugle would
+blow and the garrison would turn out, looking--except for their
+guns--very much like a squad of district-telegraph messengers. They
+would evolute across the parade ground a bit and then retire to quarters
+until the next call to arms should sound.
+
+We could not get close enough to ascertain what all the excitement was
+about, because they would not let us. We were not allowed to venture
+within fifty yards of the outer breastworks, or kneeworks; and even
+then, so the village authorities warned us, we must keep moving. A woman
+camera fiend from Coronado was along, and she unlimbered her favorite
+instrument with the idea of taking a few snapshots of this martial
+scene.
+
+As she leveled the lens a yell went up from somewhere, and out of the
+barrack and over the wall came skipping a little officer, leaving a
+trail of inflammatory Spanish behind him in a way to remind you of the
+fireman cleaning out the firebox of the Through Limited. He was not much
+over five feet tall and his shabby little uniform needed the attention
+of the dry cleanser, but he carried a sword and two pistols, and wore a
+brass gorget at his throat, a pair of huge epaulets and a belt; and he
+had gold braid and brass buttons spangled all over his sleeves and the
+front of his coat, and a pair of jingling spurs were upon his heels.
+There was a long feather in his cap, too--and altogether, for his size,
+he was most impressive to behold. He charged right up to the abashed
+camera lady and, through an interpreter, explained to her that it was
+strictly against the rules to permit a citizen of a foreign power to
+make any pictures of the fortifications whatsoever. He appeared to nurse
+a horrid fear that the secret of the fortifications might become known
+above the line, and that some day, armed with this information, the Boy
+Scouts or a Young Ladies' High School might swoop down and capture the
+whole works. He explained to the lady, that, much as he regretted it, if
+she persisted in her suspicious and spylike conduct, he would have to
+smash her camera for her. So she desisted.
+
+The little officer and his merry men had ample reason for being a mite
+nervous just then. Their country was in the midst of its spring
+revolution. The Madero family had just been thinned out pretty
+extensively, and it was not certain yet whether the Diaz faction or the
+Huerta faction, or some other faction, would come out on top. Besides,
+these gallant guardians of the frontier were a long way from
+headquarters and in no position to figure out in advance which way the
+national cat would jump next. All they knew was that she was jumping.
+
+[Illustration: AS THE OCCUPANTS SPILLED SPRAWLINGLY THROUGH THE GAP, A
+FRONT TIRE EXPLODED WITH A LOUD REPORT]
+
+Every morning, so we heard, they were taking a vote to decide whether
+they would be Federalists that day or Liberalists, or what not; and the
+vote was invested with a good deal of personal interest, too, because
+there was no telling when a superior force might arrive from the
+interior; and if they had happened to vote wrong that day there was
+always the prospect of their being backed up against a wall, with
+nothing to look at except a firing squad and a row of newmade graves.
+
+We were told that one morning, about three or four weeks before the date
+of our visit, the garrison had been in the barrack casting their usual
+ballot. They were strong Huertaists that morning--it was Viva Huerta!
+all the way. Just about the time the vote was being announced a couple
+of visiting Americans in an automobile came down the road flanking the
+fort. There had been a rain and the road was slippery with red mud. As
+the driver took the turn at the corner his wheels began skidding and he
+lost control. The car skewed off at a tangent, hurdled the moat, and
+tore a hole in the mud wall; and, as the occupants spilled sprawlingly
+through the gap, a front tire exploded with a loud report. The garrison
+took just one look out the front door, jumped to the conclusion that the
+Villa crowd had arrived and were shooting automobiles at them, and
+unanimously adjourned by the back way into the woods. Some of them did
+not get back until the shades of night had descended upon the troubled
+land.
+
+Such is military life in our sister republic in times of war, and yet
+they sometimes have a very realistic imitation of the real thing over
+there. Revolution before last there were two separate engagements in
+this little town of Tia Juana. A lot of belligerents were killed and a
+good many more were wounded.
+
+In an iron letter box in front of the post-office we saw a round hole
+where a steel-jacketed bullet had passed through after first passing
+through a prominent citizen. We did not see this citizen. It became
+necessary to bury him shortly after the occurrence referred to.
+
+In vain I sought the red brother on my saunterings through California.
+In San Francisco I once thought I had him treed. On Pacific Street, a
+block ahead of me, I saw a group of pedestrians, wrapped in loose
+flowing garments of many colors. Even at that distance I could make out
+that they were dark-skinned and had long black hair. I said to myself:
+"It is probable that these persons are connected with Doctor Somebody's
+Medicine Show; but I don't care if they are. They are Indians--more
+Indians than I have seen in one crowd at one time since Buffalo Bill was
+at Madison Square Garden last spring. I shall look them over."
+
+So I ran and caught up with them--but they were not Indians. They were
+genuine Egyptian acrobats, connected with a traveling carnival company.
+When Moses transmitted the divine command to the Children of Israel that
+they should spoil the Egyptians, the Children of Israel certainly did a
+mighty thorough job of it. That was several thousand years ago and those
+Egyptians I saw were still spoiled. I noticed it as soon as I got close
+to them.
+
+In Salt Lake City I saw half a dozen Indians, but in a preserved form
+only. They were on display in a museum devoted to relics of the early
+days. In my opinion Indians do not make very good preserves, especially
+when they have been in stock a long time and have become shopworn, as
+was the case with these goods. Personally, I would not care to invest.
+Besides, there was no telling how old they were. They had been dug out,
+mummified, from the cliff-dwellers' ruins in the southern part of the
+state, along with their household goods, their domestic utensils, their
+weapons of war and their ornaments; and there they were laid out in
+glass cases for modern eyes to see. There were plenty of other
+interesting exhibits in this museum, including several of Brigham
+Young's suits of clothes. For a man busied with statecraft and military
+affairs and domestic matters, Brigham Young must have changed clothes
+pretty often. I couldn't keep from wondering how a man with a family
+like his was found the time for it.
+
+To my mind the most interesting relic in the whole collection was the
+spry octogenarian who acted as guide and showed us through the
+place--for he was one of the few living links between the Old West and
+the New. As a boy-convert to Mormonism he came across the desert with
+the second expedition that fled westward from Gentile persecution after
+Brigham Young had blazed the trail. He was a pony express rider in the
+days of the overland mail service. He was also an Indian fighter--one of
+the trophies he showed was a scalp of his own raising practically, he
+having been present when it was raised by a friendly Indian scout from
+the head of the hostile who originally owned it--and he had lived in
+Salt Lake City when it was a collection of log shanties within the walls
+of a wooden stockade. And now here he was, a man away up in his
+eighties, but still brisk and bright, piloting tourists about the upper
+floor of a modern skyscraper.
+
+We visited the museum after we had inspected the Mormon Tabernacle and
+had looked at the Mormon Temple--from the outside--and had seen the
+Beehive and the Lion House and the Eagle Gate and the painfully ornate
+mansion where Brigham Young kept his favorite wife, Amelia. The
+Tabernacle is famous the world over for its choir, its organ and its
+acoustics--particularly its acoustics. The guide, who is a Mormon elder
+detailed for that purpose, escorts you into the balcony, away up under
+the domed wooden roof; and as you wait there, listening, another elder,
+standing upon a platform two hundred feet away, drops an ordinary pin
+upon the floor--and you can distinctly hear it fall. At first you are
+puzzled to decide exactly what it sounds like; but after a while the
+correct solution comes to you--it sounds exactly like a pin falling.
+Next to the Whispering Gallery in the Capitol at Washington, I don't
+know of a worse place to tell your secrets to a friend than the Mormon
+Tabernacle. You might as well tell them to a woman and be done with it!
+
+In Salt Lake City I had rather counted upon seeing a Mormon out walking
+with three or four of his wives--all at one time. I felt that this would
+be a distinct novelty to a person from New York, where the only show
+one enjoys along this line is the sight of a chap walking with three or
+four other men's wives--one at a time. But here, as in my quest for the
+Indian, I was disappointed some more. Once I thought I was about to
+score. I was standing in front of the Zion Cooperative Mercantile
+Establishment, which is a big department store owned by the Church, but
+having all the latest improvements, including bargain counters and
+special salesdays. Out of the door came an elderly gentleman attired in
+much broadcloth and many whiskers, and behind him trailed half a dozen
+soberly dressed women of assorted ages.
+
+Filled with hope, I fell in behind the procession and followed it across
+to the hotel. There I learned the disappointing truth. The broadclothed
+person was not a Mormon at all.
+
+He was a country bank president from somewhere back East and the women
+of his party were Ohio school-teachers. Anywhere except in Utah I doubt
+if he could have fooled me, either, for he had the kind of whiskers
+that go with the banking profession. For some reason whiskers are
+associated with the practice of banking all over this country; hallowed
+by custom, they have come to stand for financial responsibility. A New
+York banker wears those little jib-boom whiskers on the sides of his
+head and sometimes a pennon on his chin, whereas a country banker
+usually has a full-rigged face. This man's whiskers were of the old
+square barkentine cut. I should have known who he was by his sailing
+gear.
+
+And so, disappointed in my dreams of seeing Indians on the hoof and
+Mormon households taking the air in family groups, I left Salt Lake
+City, with its fine wide streets and its handsome business district and
+its pure air and its background of snow-topped mountains, and started on
+the long homebound hike. It was late in the afternoon. We had quit Utah,
+with its flat plains, its garden spots reclaimed from the desert, and
+its endless succession of trim red-brick farmhouses, which seem to be
+the universal dwelling-places of the prosperous Mormon farmer.
+
+We had departed from the old trail that Mark Twain crawled over in a
+stage-coach and afterward wrote about in his immortal Roughing It. The
+Limited, traveling forty-odd miles an hour, was skipping through the
+lower part of Wyoming before turning southward into Colorado. We were in
+the midst of an expanse of desolation and emptiness, fifteen miles from
+anywhere, and I was sitting on the observation platform of the rear car,
+watching how the shafts of the setting sun made the colors shift and
+deepen in the canyons and upon the sides of the tall red mesas, when I
+became aware that the train was slowing down.
+
+Through the car came the conductor, with a happy expression upon his
+face. Behind him was a pleased-looking flagman leading by the arm a
+ragged tramp who had been caught, up forward somewhere, stealing a free
+ride.
+
+The tramp was not resisting exactly, but at every step he said:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations! It's the law that you
+can't put me off the train between stations!"
+
+Neither the conductor nor the flagman said a word in answer. As the
+conductor reached up and jerked the bellcord the tramp, in the tone and
+manner of one who advances an absolutely unanswerable argument, said:
+
+"You know, don't you, you can't put me off the train between stations?"
+
+The train halted. The conductor unfastened a tail-gate in the
+guard-rail, and the flagman dropped his prisoner out through the
+opening. As the tramp flopped off into space I caught this remark:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations."
+
+The conductor tugged another signal on the bellcord, and the wheels
+began to turn faster and faster. The tramp picked himself up from
+between the rails. He brushed some adhering particles of roadbed off
+himself and, facing us, made a megaphone of his hands and sent a message
+after our diminishing shapes. By straining my ears I caught his words.
+He spoke as follows:
+
+"You can't put me off the train between stations!"
+
+In my whole life I never saw a man who was so hard to convince of a
+thing as that tramp was.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Minor spelling, hyphenation, and punctuation errors have been corrected.
+For this text version, the word canon (with a tilde over the first n) has
+been changed to canyon.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Roughing it De Luxe, by Irvin S. Cobb
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ROUGHING IT DE LUXE ***
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