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+
+Project Gutenberg's A Defective Santa Claus, by James Whitcomb Riley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Defective Santa Claus
+
+Author: James Whitcomb Riley
+
+Illustrator: C. M. Relyea and Will Vawter
+
+Release Date: December 25, 2006 [EBook #20181]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A DEFECTIVE SANTA CLAUS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Garcia and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ + +






+ + + +
+Book Cover +
+ +




+ + +
+Vignettes +
+ +

+[i] +

+ +

+ A Defective Santa Claus +

+ +

+[ii] +

+ +




+ +

+[iii] +

+ +




+ +

+[iv] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[v] +

+ +




+ +

+A Defective Santa Claus +

+ +

+JAMES WHITCOMB RILEY +

+ +

+With Pictures by +
+C. M. RELYEA +
+and +
+WILL VAWTER +

+ +

+INDIANAPOLIS
+THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
+PUBLISHERS +

+ +

+[vi] +

+ +




+ +

+Copyright 1904
+James Whitcomb Riley
+

+
+

+December +

+ +


+ +

+PRESS OF
+BRAUNWORTH & CO.
+BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS
+BROOKLYN, N. Y. +

+ +

+[vii] +

+ + + +




+ +

+ DEDICATION +

+ +


+ +

+To +
+HEWITT HANSON HOWLAND +
+WITH HALEST CHRISTMAS GREETINGS
+AND FRATERNAL +

+ +


+ +
+
+
+

Little Boy! Halloo!—halloo!

+

Can't you hear me calling you?—

+

Little Boy that used to be,

+

Come in here and play with me.

+
+
+
+ +

+[viii] +

+ +




+ + +
+Vignette +
+ +

+[ix] +

+ +




+ +

+A Defective Santa Claus +

+ +

+[x] +

+ +




+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[1] +

+ + + +




+ +
+

+ A Defective Santa Claus +

+
+
+

Allus when our Pa he's away

+

Nen Uncle Sidney comes to stay

+

At our house here—so Ma an' me

+

An' Etty an' Lee-Bob won't be

+

Afeard ef anything at night

+

Might happen—like Ma says it might.

+
+
+
+ +

+[2] +

+ +
+
+
+

(Ef Trip wuz big, I bet you he

+

'Uz best watch-dog you ever see!)

+

An' so last winter—ist before

+

It's go' be Chris'mus-Day,—w'y, shore

+

Enough, Pa had to haf to go

+

To 'tend a lawsuit—"An' the snow

+

Ist right fer Santy Claus!" Pa said,

+

As he clumb in old Ayersuz' sled,

+

An' said he's sorry he can't be

+

With us that night—"'Cause," he-says-ee,

+

"Old Santy might be comin' here—

+

This very night of all the year

+
+
+
+ +

+[3] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[4] +

+ +




+ +

+[5] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

I' got to be away!—so all

+

You kids must tell him—ef he call—

+

He's mighty welcome, an' yer Pa

+

He left his love with you an' Ma

+
+
+
+ +

+[6] +

+ +
+
+
+

An' Uncle Sid!" An' clucked, an' leant

+

Back, laughin'—an' away they went!

+

An' Uncle wave' his hands an' yells

+

"Yer old horse ort to have on bells!"

+

But Pa yell back an' laugh an' say

+

"I 'spect when Santy come this way

+

It's time enough fer sleighbells nen!"

+

An' holler back "Good-by!" again,

+

An' reach out with the driver's whip

+

An' cut behind an' drive back Trip.

+
+
+ +
+
+

An' so all day it snowed an' snowed!

+

An' Lee-Bob he ist watched the road,

+
+
+
+ +

+[7] +

+ +
+ +
+ +

+[8] +

+ +




+ +

+[9] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

In his high-chair; an' Etty she

+

U'd play with Uncle Sid an' me—

+

Like she wuz he'ppin' fetch in wood

+

An' keepin' old fire goin' good,

+
+
+
+ +

+[10] +

+ +
+
+
+

Where Ma she wuz a-cookin' there

+

An' kitchen, too, an' ever'where!

+

An' Uncle say, "'At's ist the way

+

Yer Ma's b'en workin', night an' day,

+

Sence she hain't big as Etty is

+

Er Lee-Bob in that chair o' his!"

+

Nen Ma she'd laugh 't what Uncle said,

+

An' smack an' smoove his old bald head

+

An' say "Clear out the way till I

+

Can keep that pot from b'ilin' dry!"

+

Nen Uncle, when she's gone back to

+

The kitchen, says, "We ust to do

+
+
+
+ +

+[11] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[12] +

+ +




+ +

+[13] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

Some cookin' in the ashes.—Say,

+

S'posin' we try some, thataway!"

+

An' nen he send us to tell Ma

+

Send two big 'taters in he saw

+
+
+
+ +

+[14] +

+ +
+
+
+

Pa's b'en a-keepin' 'cause they got

+

The premiun at the Fair. An' what

+

You think?—He rake a grea'-big hole

+

In the hot ashes, an' he roll

+

Them old big 'taters in the place

+

An' rake the coals back—an' his face

+

Ist swettin' so's he purt'-nigh swear

+

'Cause it's so hot! An' when they're there

+

'Bout time 'at we fergit 'em, he

+

Ist rake 'em out again—an' gee!—

+

He bu'st 'em with his fist wite on

+

A' old stove-led, while Etty's gone

+
+
+
+ +

+[15] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[16] +

+ +




+ +

+[17] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

To git the salt, an' butter, too—

+

Ist like he said she haf to do,

+

No matter what Ma say! An' so

+

He salt an' butter 'em, an' blow

+
+
+
+ +

+[18] +

+ +
+
+
+

'Em cool enough fer us to eat—

+

An' me-o-my! they're hard to beat!

+

An' Trip 'ud ist lay there an' pant

+

Like he'd laugh out loud, but he can't.

+

Nen Uncle fill his pipe—an' we

+

'Ud he'p him light it—Sis an' me,—

+

But mostly little Lee-Bob, 'cause

+

"He's the best Lighter ever wuz!"

+

Like Uncle telled him wunst when Lee-

+

Bob cried an' jerked the light from me,

+

He wuz so mad! So Uncle pat

+

An' pet him. (Lee-Bob's ust to that—

+
+
+
+ +

+[19] +

+ +
+ +
+ +

+[20] +

+ +




+ +

+[21] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

'Cause he's the little-est, you know,

+

An' allus has b'en humored so!)

+

Nen Uncle gits the flat-arn out,

+

An', while he's tellin' us all 'bout

+
+
+
+ +

+[22] +

+ +
+
+
+

Old Chris'mus-times when he's a kid,

+

He ist cracked hickernuts, he did,

+

Till they's a crockful, mighty nigh!

+

An' when they're all done by an' by,

+

He raked the red coals out again

+

An' telled me, "Fetch that popcorn in,

+

An' old three-leggud skillut—an'

+

The led an' all now, little man,—

+

An' yer old Uncle here 'ull show

+

You how corn's popped, long years ago

+

When me an' Santy Claus wuz boys

+

On Pap's old place in Illinoise!—

+
+
+
+ +

+[23] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[24] +

+ +




+ +

+[25] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

An' your Pa, too, wuz chums, all through,

+

With Santy!—Wisht Pa'd be here, too!"

+

Nen Uncle sigh at Ma, an' she

+

Pat him again, an' say to me

+
+
+
+ +

+[26] +

+ +
+
+
+

An' Etty,—"You take warning fair!—

+

Don't talk too much, like Uncle there,

+

Ner don't fergit, like him, my dears,

+

That 'little pitchers has big ears!'"

+

But Uncle say to her, "Clear out!—

+

Yer brother knows what he's about.—

+

You git your Chris'mus-cookin' done

+

Er these pore childern won't have none!"

+

Nen Trip wake up an' raise, an' nen

+

Turn roun' an' nen lay down again.

+

An' one time Uncle Sidney say,—

+

"When dogs is sleepin' thataway,

+
+
+
+ +

+[27] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[28] +

+ +




+ +

+[29] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

Like Trip, an' whimpers, it's a sign

+

He'll ketch eight rabbits—mayby nine—

+

Afore his fleas'll wake him—nen

+

He'll bite hisse'f to sleep again

+
+
+
+ +

+[30] +

+ +
+
+
+

An try to dream he's go' ketch ten."

+

An' when Ma's gone again back in

+

The kitchen, Uncle scratch his chin

+

An' say, "When Santy Claus an' Pa

+

An' me wuz little boys—an' Ma,

+

When she's 'bout big as Etty there;—

+

W'y,—'When we're growed—no matter where,'

+

Santy he cross' his heart an' say,—

+

'I'll come to see you, all, some day

+

When you' got childerns—all but me

+

An' pore old Sid!'" Nen Uncle he

+

Ist kindo' shade his eyes an' pour'

+
+
+
+ +

+[31] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[32] +

+ +




+ +

+[33] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

'Bout forty-'leven bushels more

+

O' popcorn out the skillut there

+

In Ma's new basket on the chair.

+

An' nen he telled us—an' talk' low,

+
+
+
+ +

+[34] +

+ +
+
+
+

"So Ma can't hear," he say:—"You know

+

Yer Pa know', when he drived away,

+

Tomorry's go' be Chris'mus-Day;—

+

Well, nen tonight," he whisper, "see?—

+

It's go' be Chris'mus-Eve," says-ee,

+

"An', like yer Pa hint, when he went,

+

Old Santy Claus (now hush!) he's sent

+

Yer Pa a postul-card, an' write

+

He's shorely go' be here tonight....

+

That's why yer Pa's so bored to be

+

Away tonight, when Santy he

+

Is go' be here, sleighbells an' all,

+
+
+
+ +

+[35] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[36] +

+ +




+ +

+[37] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

To make you kids a Chris'mus-call!"

+

An' we're so glad to know fer shore

+

He's comin', I roll on the floor—

+

An' here come Trip a-waller'n' roun'

+
+
+
+ +

+[38] +

+ +
+
+
+

An' purt'-nigh knock the clo'eshorse down!—

+

An' Etty grab Lee-Bob an' prance

+

All roun' the room like it's a dance—

+

Till Ma she come an' march us nen

+

To dinner, where we're still again,

+

But tickled so we ist can't eat

+

But pie, an' ist the hot mincemeat

+

With raisins in.—But Uncle et,

+

An' Ma. An' there they set an' set

+

Till purt'-nigh supper-time; nen we

+

Tell him he's got to fix the Tree

+

'Fore Santy gits here, like he said.

+
+
+
+ +

+[39] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[40] +

+ +




+ +

+[41] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

We go nen to the old woodshed—

+

All bundled up, through the deep snow—

+

"An' snowin' yet, jee-rooshy-O!"

+

Uncle he said, an' he'p us wade

+
+
+
+ +

+[42] +

+ +
+
+
+

Back where's the Chris'mus-Tree he's made

+

Out of a little jackoak-top

+

He git down at the sawmill-shop—

+

An' Trip 'ud run ahead, you know,

+

An' 'tend-like he 'uz eatin' snow—

+

When we all waddle back with it;

+

An' Uncle set it up—an' git

+

It wite in front the fireplace—'cause

+

He says "'Tain't so 'at Santy Claus

+

Comes down all chimblies,—least, tonight

+

He's comin' in this house all right—

+

By the front-door, as ort to be!—

+
+
+
+ +

+[43] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[44] +

+ +




+ +

+[45] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

We'll all be hid where we can see!"

+

Nen he look up, an' he see Ma

+

An' say, "It's ist too bad their Pa

+

Can't be here, so's to see the fun

+
+
+
+ +

+[46] +

+ +
+
+
+

The childern will have, ever' one!"

+

Well, we!—We hardly couldn't wait

+

Till it wuz dusk, an' dark an' late

+

Enough to light the lamp!—An' Lee-

+

Bob light a candle on the Tree—

+

"Ist one—'cause I'm 'The Lighter'!"—Nen

+

He clumb on Uncle's knee again

+

An' hug us bofe;—an' Etty git

+

Her little chist an' set on it

+

Wite clos't, while Uncle telled some more

+

'Bout Santy Claus, an' clo'es he wore

+

"All maked o' furs, an' trimmed as white

+
+
+
+ +

+[47] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[48] +

+ +




+ +

+[49] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

As cotton is, er snow at night!"

+

An' nen, all sudden-like, he say,—

+

"Hush! Listen there! Hain't that a sleigh

+

An' sleighbells jinglin'?" Trip go "whooh!"

+
+
+
+ +

+[50] +

+ +
+
+
+

Like he hear bells an' smell 'em, too.

+

Nen we all listen.... An'-sir, shore

+

Enough, we hear bells—more an' more

+

A-jinglin' clos'ter—clos'ter still

+

Down the old crook-road roun' the hill.

+

An' Uncle he jumps up, an' all

+

The chairs he jerks back by the wall

+

An' th'ows a' overcoat an' pair

+

O' winder-curtains over there

+

An' says, "Hide quick, er you're too late!—

+

Them bells is stoppin' at the gate!—

+

Git back o' them-'air chairs an' hide,

+
+
+
+ +

+[51] +

+ +
+ +
+ +

+[52] +

+ +




+ +

+[53] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

'Cause I hear Santy's voice outside!"

+

An' Bang! bang! bang! we heerd the door—

+

Nen it flewed open, an' the floor

+

Blowed full o' snow—that's first we saw,

+
+
+
+ +

+[54] +

+ +
+
+
+

Till little Lee-Bob shriek' at Ma

+

"There's Santy Claus!—I know him by

+

His big white mufftash!"—an' ist cry

+

An' laugh an' squeal an' dance an' yell—

+

Till, when he quiet down a spell,

+

Old Santy bow an' th'ow a kiss

+

To him—an' one to me an' Sis—

+

An' nen go clos't to Ma an' stoop

+

An' kiss her—An' nen give a whoop

+

That fainted her!—'Cause when he bent

+

An' kiss her, he ist backed an' went

+

Wite 'ginst the Chris'mus-Tree ist where

+
+
+
+ +

+[55] +

+ +
+ +
+ +

+[56] +

+ +




+ +

+[57] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

The candle's at Lee-Bob lit there!—

+

An' set his white-fur belt afire—

+

An' blaze streaked roun' his waist an' higher

+

Wite up his old white beard an' th'oat!—

+
+
+
+ +

+[58] +

+ +
+
+
+

Nen Uncle grabs th' old overcoat

+

An' flops it over Santy's head,

+

An' swing the door wide back an' said,

+

"Come out, old man!—an' quick about

+

It!—I've ist got to put you out!"

+

An' out he sprawled him in the snow—

+

"Now roll!" he says—"Hi-roll-ee-O!"—

+

An' Santy, sputter'n' "Ouch! Gee-whiz!"

+

Ist roll an' roll fer all they is!

+

An' Trip he's out there, too,—I know,

+

'Cause I could hear him yappin' so—

+

An' I heerd Santy, wunst er twic't,

+
+
+
+ +

+[59] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[60] +

+ +




+ +

+[61] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

Say, as he's rollin', "Drat the fice't!"

+

Nen Uncle come back in, an' shake

+

Ma up, an' say, "Fer mercy-sake!—

+

He hain't hurt none!" An' nen he said,—

+
+
+
+ +

+[62] +

+ +
+
+
+

"You youngsters h'ist up-stairs to bed!—

+

Here! kiss yer Ma 'Good-night,' an' me,—

+

We'll he'p old Santy fix the Tree—

+

An' all yer whistles, horns an' drums

+

I'll he'p you toot when morning comes!"

+ +
+ +

It's long while 'fore we go to sleep,—

+

'Cause down-stairs, all-time somepin' keep

+

A-kindo' scufflin' roun' the floors—

+

An' openin' doors, an' shettin' doors—

+

An' could hear Trip a-whinin', too,

+

Like he don't know ist what to do—

+
+
+
+ +

+[63] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[64] +

+ +




+ +
+

+[65] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

An' tongs a-clankin' down k'thump!—

+

Nen some one squonkin' the old pump—

+

An' Wooh! how cold it soun' out there!

+

I could ist see the pump-spout where

+
+
+
+ +

+[66] +

+ +
+
+
+

It's got ice chin-whiskers all wet

+

An' drippy—An' I see it yet!

+

An' nen, seem-like, I hear some mens

+

A-talkin' out there by the fence,

+

An' one says, "Oh, 'bout twelve o'clock!"

+

"Nen," 'nother'n says, "Here's to you, Doc!—

+

God bless us ever' one!" An' nen

+

I heerd the old pump squonk again.

+

An' nen I say my prayer all through

+

Like Uncle Sidney learn' me to,—

+

"O Father mine, e'en as Thine own,

+

This child looks up to Thee alone:

+
+
+
+ +

+[67] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[68] +

+ +




+ +

+[69] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

Asleep or waking, give him still

+

His Elder Brother's wish and will."

+

An' that's the last I know.... Till Ma

+

She's callin' us—an' so is Pa,—

+
+
+
+ +

+[70] +

+ +
+
+
+

He holler "Chris'mus-gif'!" an' say,—

+

"I'm got back home fer Chris'mus-Day!—

+

An' Uncle Sid's here, too—an' he

+

Is nibblin' 'roun' yer Chris'mus-Tree!"

+

Nen Uncle holler, "I suppose

+

Yer Pa's so proud he's froze his nose

+

He wants to turn it up at us,

+

'Cause Santy kick' up such a fuss—

+

Tetchin' hisse'f off same as ef

+

He wuz his own fireworks hisse'f!"

+
+
+ +
+
+

An' when we're down-stairs,—shore enough,

+

Pa's nose is froze an' salve an' stuff

+
+
+
+ +

+[71] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[72] +

+ +




+ +

+[73] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

All on it—an' one hand's froze, too,

+

An' got a old yarn red-and-blue

+

Mitt on it—"An' he's froze some more

+

Acrost his chist, an' kindo' sore

+
+
+
+ +

+[74] +

+ +
+
+
+

All roun' his dy-fram," Uncle say.—

+

"But Pa he'd ort a-seen the way

+

Santy bear up last night when that-

+

Air fire break out, an' quicker'n scat

+

He's all a-blazin', an' them-'air

+

Gun-cotton whiskers that he wear

+

Ist flashin'!—till I burn a hole

+

In the snow with him, and he roll

+

The front-yard dry as Chris'mus jokes

+

Old parents plays on little folks!

+

But, long's a smell o' tow er wool,

+

I kep' him rollin' beautiful!—

+
+
+
+ +

+[75] +

+ + +
+ +
+ +

+[76] +

+ +




+ +

+[77] +

+ +
+ +
+ +
+ +
+
+

Till I wuz shore I shorely see

+

He's squenched! W'y, hadn't b'en fer me,

+

That old man might a-burnt clear down

+

Clean—plum'—level with the groun'!"

+
+
+
+ +

+[78] +

+ +
+
+
+

Nen Ma say, "There, Sid; that'll do!—

+

Breakfast is ready—Chris'mus, too.—

+

Your voice 'ud soun' best, sayin' Grace—

+

Say it." An' Uncle bow' his face

+

An' say so long a Blessing nen,

+

Trip bark' two times 'fore it's "A-men!"

+
+
+ + +
+ +
+
+
+ +




+ + +
+ +
+
+ +






+ + + + + + + + +
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Defective Santa Claus, by James Whitcomb Riley
+
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