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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/20759-8.txt b/20759-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c4d5cb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/20759-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1693 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, +December 10, 1892, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 10, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 7, 2007 [EBook #20759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103 + + + +December 10, 1892. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +The Smoking-Room (_continued_). + +I MAY assume, that after the terrible example given in my last chapter, +you have firmly made up your mind never on any account to take service +in the great army of bores. But this determination is not all that is +necessary. A man must constantly keep a strict guard on himself, lest he +should unconsciously deviate even for a few minutes into the regions of +boredom. Whatever you do, let nothing tempt you to relate more than once +any grievance you may have. Nothing of course is more poisonous to the +aggrieved one than to stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once +only, he may produce it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for +making even this slight concession. Please be careful, therefore, not to +abuse it. Is there in the whole world a more ridiculous sight than a +strong, healthy, well-fed sportsman who wearies his companions one after +another with the depressing recital of his ill-luck, or of the dastardly +behaviour of the head-keeper in not stopping the whole party for half an +hour to search for an imaginary bird, which is supposed to have fallen +stone-dead somewhere or other; or of the iniquities of the man from whom +he bought his cartridges in not loading them with the right charge; or +any of the hundred inconveniences and injuries to which sportsmen are +liable. All these things may be as he says they are. He may be the most +unfortunate, the most unjustly treated of mankind. But why insist upon +it? Why check the current of sympathy by the dam of constant repetition? +And, after all, how trivial and absurd the whole thing is! Even a man +whose career has been ruined by malicious persecution will be avoided +like a pest if it is known that he dins the account of his wrongs into +everyone's ears. How, then, shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of +ordinary sport be listened to with patience? Of all bores, the +grievancemonger is the fiercest and worst. Lay this great truth by in +your memory, and be mindful of it in more important matters than sport +when the occasion arises. + + [Illustration] + +I have been asked to say, whether a man may abuse his gun? I reply +emphatically, no. A gun is not a mere ordinary machine. Its beautiful +arrangement of locks, and springs, and catches, and bolts, and pins, and +screws, its unaccountable perversities, its occasional fits of +sulkiness, its lovely brown complexion, and its capacity both for +kicking and for smoking, all prove that a gun is in reality a sentient +being of a very high order of intelligence. You may be quite certain +that if you abuse your gun, even when you may imagine it to be far out +of earshot, comfortably cleaned and put to roost on its rack, your gun +will resent it. Why are most sportsmen so silent, so _distraits_ at +breakfast? Why do they dally with a scrap of fish, and linger over the +consumption of a small kidney, and drink great draughts of tea to +restore their equilibrium? If you ask them, they will tell you that it's +because they're "just a bit chippy," owing to sitting up late, or +smoking too much, or forgetting to drink a whiskey and soda before they +went to bed. I know better. It is because they incautiously spoke evil +of their guns, and their guns retaliated by haunting their sleep. I +_know_ guns have this power of projecting horrible emanations of +themselves into the slumbers of sportsmen who have not treated them as +they deserved. I have suffered from it myself. It was only last week +that, having said something derogatory to the dignity of my second gun, +I woke with a start at two o'clock in the morning, and found its wraith +going through the most horrible antics in a patch of moonlight on my +bed-room floor. I shot with that gun on the following day, and missed +nearly everything I shot at. Could there be a more convincing proof? +Take my advice, therefore, and abstain from abusing your gun. + +Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include the +following subjects:--(1) The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom every +district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with somebody; (2) +"The best shot in England," who is to be found in every country-side, +and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his particular district +take a patriotic pride; (3) the folly and wickedness of those who talk +or write ignorantly against any kind of sport; (4) the deficiency of +hares due to the rascally provisions of the Hares and Rabbits Act; (5) a +few reminiscences, slightly glorified, of the particular day's sport; +and (6) a prolonged argument on the relative merits of the old plan of +shooting birds over dogs, and the modern methods of walking them up or +driving. These are not the only, but certainly the chief ingredients. +Let me give you an example, drawn from my note-book. + +SCENE--_The Smoking-room of a Country-house in December. Six Sportsmen +in Smoking-coats. Time_, 11.15 P.M. + +_First Sportsman_ (_concluding a harangue_). All I can say is, I never +read such rot in all my life. Why, the fellow doesn't know a gun from a +cartridge-bag. I'm perfectly sick of reading that everlasting rubbish +about "pampered minions of the aristocracy slaughtering the unresisting +pheasant in his thousands at battues." I wonder what the beggars imagine +a rocketing pheasant is like? I should like to have seen one of 'em +outside Chivy Wood to-day. I never saw taller birds in my life. Talk of +_them_ being easy! Why, a pheasant gets ever so much more show for his +money when he's beaten over the guns. If they simply walk him up, he +hasn't got a thousand to one chance. Bah! + + [_Drinks from a long glass._ + +_Second Sportsman._ I saw in some paper the other day what the President +of the United States thought about English battue-shooting. Seemed to +think we shot pheasants perched in the trees, and went on to say that +wasn't the sport for _him; he_ liked to go after his game, and find it +for himself. Who the deuce cares if he does? If he can't talk better +sense than that, no wonder CLEVELAND beat him in the election. + +_Third Sp._ Pure rubbish, of course. Still I must say, apart from +pheasants, I like the old plan of letting your dogs work. It's far more +sport than walking up partridges in line, or getting them driven at you. + +_First Sp._ My dear fellow, I don't agree with you a bit. In the first +place, as to driving--driven birds are fifty times more difficult; and +what's the use of wasting time with setters or pointers in ordinary +root-fields. It's all sentiment. + + [A long and animated discussion ensues. This particular + subject never fails to provoke a tremendous argument. + + (_A few minutes later._) + +_Second Sp._ (_to the host_). What was the bag to-day, CHALMERS? + +_Chalmers._ A hundred and forty-five pheasants, fifty-six rabbits, +eleven hares, three pigeons, and a woodcock. We should have got a +hundred and eighty pheasants if they hadn't dodged us in the big wood. I +can't make out where they went. + +_Second Sp._ It's a deuced difficult wood to beat, that is. I thought we +should have got more hares, all the same. + +_Chalmers._ Hares! I think I'm precious lucky to get so many nowadays. +There won't be a hare left in a year or two. + + (_The discussion proceeds._) + +_Third Sp._ How's old JOHNNY RAIKES shooting this year? I never saw such +a chap for rocketers. They can't escape him. + +_Chalmers._ I asked him to-day, but he couldn't come. I think for +pheasants he's quite the best shot in England. Nobody can beat him at +that game. + +_Fourth Sp._ Hasn't he got some row or other on with =Crackside=? + +_Chalmers._ Yes. That makes fourteen rows =Crackside= has got going on +all at once. He seems to revel in them. His latest move was to refuse to +pay tithe, and when the parson levied a distress, he made all his +tenants drunk and walked at their head blowing a post-horn. He's as mad +as a hatter. + +So there you have a sample conversation, sketched in outline. You will +find it accurate enough. All you have to do is to select for yourself +the part you mean to play in it. + + * * * * * + +Something to Live For. + +(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) + + _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in + order to write My Reminiscences? + + _Amicus._ Ah, but remember, "_De mortuis nil nisi + bonum._" + + _Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but + exceedingly good stories about them. + + * * * * * + + SO LIKE HER!--"I can never trust him," said Mrs. R., + alluding to a friend of hers, who considered himself + well up in SHAKSPEARE, "because I've found out before + now that he gargles his quotations." + + NOTE.--"The Man who Would," _will_ appear next week. No. IV. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =THE RHODES COLOSSUS= + + STRIDING FROM CAPE TOWN TO CAIRO.] + + * * * * * + +THE RHODES COLOSSUS. + + ["Mr. RHODES announced that it was his intention, either + with the help of his friends or by himself, to continue + the telegraph northwards, across the Zambesi, through + Nyassaland, and along Lake Tanganyika to Uganda. Nor is + this all.... This colossal _Monte Cristo_ means to cross + the Soudan ... and to complete the overland telegraph + line from Cape Town to Cairo; that is, from England to + the whole of her possessions or colonies, or 'spheres of + influence' in Africa."--_The Times._] + + + THE World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone! + On Marvel World's billows 'twill toss us--'twill toss us, + To watch him, Director and Statesman in one, + This Seven-League-Booted Colossus--Colossus! + Combining in one supernatural blend + Plain Commerce and Imagination--gination; + O'er Africa striding from dark end to end, + To forward black emancipation--cipation. + + Brobdingnagian Bagman, big Dreamer of Dreams. + A Titan of tact and shrewd trader--shrewd trader! + A diplomat full of _finesse_ and sharp schemes, + With a touch of the pious Crusader--Crusader! + A "Dealer" with despots, a "Squarer" of Kings, + A jumper of mountain, lake, wilderness, wady, + And manager 'cute of such troublesome things + As LOBENGULA or the MAHDI--the MAHDI. + + Well may ABERCORN wonder and FIFE tootle praise, + His two thousand hearers raise cheering--raise cheering. + Of wild would-be Scuttlers he proves the mad craze, + And of Governments prone to small-beering--small-beering. + Sullen Boers may prove bores to a man of less tact, + A duffer funk wiles Portuguesy--tuguesy; + But Dutchmen, black potentates, all sorts, in fact, + To RHODES the astute come quite easy--quite easy. + + The British South-African Company's shares + _May_ be at a discount--(Trade-martyrs!--trade-martyrs!)-- + But he, our Colossus, strides on, he declares, + Whether with or without chums or charters--or charters. + Hooray! We brave Britons are still to the front-- + Provided we've someone to boss us--to boss us; + And Scuttlers will have their work cut out to shunt + This stalwart, far-striding Colossus--Colossus! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =A HEARTY WELCOME.= + + _Local Flyman_ (_who also officiates at Funerals_). + "Mornin', Sir. Glad to see you out again! Really thought + I should 'a' had the honor of drivin' you to the + cemetery, Sir!"] + + * * * * * + +TAXES. A HOARDING AND SAVING CLAUSE.--_ภ propos_ of an article in the +_Times_ on this subject, and a paragraph of _Mr. Punch's_, last week, +anent "Hoardings," we may now put a supplementary question in this form, +"As Government taxes _Savings_, would it not be quite consistent to tax +_Hoardings_?" Since the answer must, logically, be in the affirmative, +let Government begin at once with all the Hoardings displaying any kind +of hideous pictorial advertisement. + + * * * * * + +"HE rumbles so in his conversation," observed Mrs. R. of an orator whose +sentences were considerably involved, "that I can seldom catch the grist +of what he says." + + * * * * * + +PRACTICAL THEOSOPHY. + +MRS. BESANT is said to have told a representative of a daily paper, that +"an adept in Theosophy uses his supernatural powers solely for his own +convenience, just as ordinary people avail themselves of a messenger, or +the telephone or telegraph." + +We have it on the very best of authority that the discharge of handbills +from a๋rial bombs is to be entirely surpassed as a method for +advertising a commodity, by a new and protected process. + +"A Company is being formed," so runs the prospectus, "for the express +purpose of importing Mahatmas of the very best vintage (guaranteed +_extra sec_), direct from Thibet, where an exceptionally luxuriant crop +has been produced during past years. + +"They will be shipped to any port in the United Kingdom, and delivered +to any address, carriage free, at prices which will compare most +favourably with those quoted by foreign firms for inferior articles. + +"The trade supplied by special contract. + +"They will prove invaluable to advertisers and others. + +"No family should be without one. Order early. + +"They can be used for a variety of purposes; but they will be found most +particularly serviceable for distributing handbills and posters, +especially in inaccessible places. + +"_Domestic servants entirely superseded by them._ + +"Prompt and accurate delivery of any object may be effected by their +agency, owing to their marvellous powers of precipitation. + +"Full instructions for working, and instruments for repairing, supplied +with each specimen. + +"Not liable to get out of order. + +"Safe in the hands of a child. Yet they are not toys. + +"Procurable of any respectable Lunatic Asylum. + +"Ask for Our Brand, and see that you get none other. + +"Beware of worthless foreign imitations, which dishonest dealers will +try to foist upon you. + + + "Of Mahatmas young, and Mahatmas old, + Of Mahatmas meek, and Mahatmas bold, + Of Mahatmas gentle, and Mahatmas rough, + We lay long odds that we'll sell enough." + + +The financial column of the Journal of the Future, we may expect, will +read somewhat as follows:--"Mahatmas opened weak, but slowly advanced a +third. Later they became stronger, and closed firm at 8-1/4. +Latest--Mahatmas fell rapidly." + +_Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis._ + + * * * * * + +CHARITY BEGINS ABROAD.--The following advertisement (which recently +appeared in the _Times_) has been sent for solution:-- + + GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of + 100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in + Europe, Africa, America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM, + capable of giving important profits. Offers to be + addressed, &c. + +In reply to this appeal, _Mr. Punch_ begs to say that "the gentleman +with knowledge of business" seems to be anxious to act as an _alter ego_ +to a serious (not a jocular) firm "capable of giving profits." +"GENTLEMAN" does not specify whose profits the serious firm is capable +of giving, and thus it may be presumed that the 100,000 francs would +form the capital with which the charitable transaction would be +conducted. This is the more probable as "GENTLEMAN" says he knows how to +dispose of them. + + * * * * * + +ALL ROUND THE FAIR. + +No. IV. + +The Irish Giant Baby "At Home." + + The exterior of the Show is painted to represent a + Cottage, and bears the highly improbable name of "Polly + O'Gracious," with an even less credible announcement + that this is the identical "little cot where she was + born." Inside is an ordinary tent, with a rough platform + at the further end, whereon is an empty chair, at which + a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and + some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and + patiently staring for the last quarter of an hour. + +_First Farm Labourer_ (_to Second_). I bin in 'ere 'bout erf an hour, I +hev, and ain't seed nowt so fur! + +_Second F. L._ Same 'ere! Seems to take 'em a proper good time a-gittin' +o' this 'ere baby claned up! + +_First F. L._ Ah, it do. But look at the _size_ on her! + +_Second F. L._ Size! They cudn't be no slower not with a hellyphant! + + [The tedium is relieved by a very audible dispute + outside between the Driver of the Baby's Caravan and the + Wife of the Conjuror next door, who appears to have + excited the Driver's displeasure by consenting to take + the money in the absence of the Baby's proprietress. + +_The Driver_ (_with dignity_). I consider it a bloomin' liberty, and a +downright piece of himpertinence, you comin' 'ere interferin' with with +my business--and so I tell yer! + +_The Lady_ (_with more dignity_). I'm not taking no liberties with +nobody--she ast me to it, or I shoudn't _be_ 'ere--_I_ don't want to +take the money, not without bein' ast to do so. She come and ast me to +take her place while she was away, and in course _I_ wasn't goin' to say +no. + +_Driver._ Don't you tork to me. I know what _you_ are, puttin' yerself +forward whenever yer can--a goin' tellin' the people on the road as you +was the Baby's mother! + +_The Lady._ I never said no such thing! Why should I want to tell sech a +story for? + +_Driver._ Arsk yourself--not me. And p'raps you never said you 'ad +valuable property in our waggin' neither. + +_Lady_ (_apparently cut to the heart by this accusation_). It's a +false'ood! I never 'ad no valuable property in your waggin', nor yet +nobody else's; and I'll thank you to keep your distance, and not go +raggin' me. + +_Driver_ (_edging nearer_), I'll keep _my_ distance. But don't you make +no mistake--I'm not to be _played_ with! I'm sick o' your goin's on. And +then(_reviving a rankling and mysterious grievance_) to think o' you a +comin' mincin' up on the road with yer(_mimicking_), "Oh, yus, Mrs. +FAIRCHILD, there's a blacksmith jest across the way!" What call 'ad you +got to shove _your_ nose in like that, eh? you're a interferin' cat, +that's what _you_ are! + + [The Conjuror's Lady is moved to the verge of tears and + assault, and her wrath is only assuaged by the arrival + of the missing Proprietress, who patches up a temporary + peace; presently the hangings at the back are parted, + and an immensely stout child, dressed in an infant's + frock, waddles in, hoists herself on the platform and + into the chair, from which she regards the Spectators + with stolid composure; the small boys edge back, nudge + one another and snigger furtively; the girls say "Oh, + lor!" in a whisper, and a painful silence follows. + +_A Middle-aged Labourer_ (_feeling the awkwardness of the situation_). +'Ow old may you be, Missy? + +_The Giant Baby_ (_with a snap_). Ten! + + [She gazes all round with the hauteur peculiar to a + phenomenon, and her visitors are only relieved from the + strain by the timely appearance of the Exhibitor, a + Mulatto lady, who gives a brief biographical sketch of + the Infant's career, with details of her weight and + measurements. Then Miss POLLY sings a stanza + of "Little Annie Rooney" in a phonographic manner, + dances a few ponderous steps, and identifies the most + sheepish youth in the audience--much to his + embarrassment--as her sweetheart, after which her + audience is permitted to shake hands with her and + depart. + + * * * * * + +A Prize Lottery. + + A Young Man in a light suit, and a paste pin in a dirty + white necktie, has arrived with a chest, from which he + extracts a quantity of small parcels in coloured + tissue-paper. + +_The Young Man_ (_as a group collects around him_). Now, I'm 'ere to +orfer those among yer who 'ave the courage to embark in speckilation an +unrivalled opportunity of enriching themselves at next to no expense. +Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' more or less +value, amongst them bein', I may tell yer, two 'undred threepenny +pieces, not to mention 'igher coins up to 'arf a sov'rin. Mind, I +promise nothing--I only say this: that those who show confidence in me +I'll reward beyond their utmost expectations.( _To an_ Agricultural +Labourer _in the circle._) 'Ere, you Sir, 'ave you ever seen me before +in all your life? + + [Illustration: + "Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' + more or less value."] + +_The Agricultural Labourer_ (_with a conscientious fear of committing +himself_). I _may_ 'ave. + +_The Young Man._ You _may_ 'ave! '_Ave_ you? 'Ave _I_ ever seen _you_? +Come now! + +_The Agr. L._ (_cautiously_). I carn't answer fur what you've _seen_, +Sir. + +_The Y. M._ Well, are you a friend o' mine? + +_The A. L._ (_after inward searchings_). Not as I'm aweer on. + +_The Y. M._ Then take this packet.(_The_ A. L. _grins and hesitates._) +Give me a penny for it.(_The_ A. L. _hangs back._) Do as I _say_! (_His +tone is so peremptory that the_ A. L. _hastens to obey._) Now don't open +that till I tell you, and don't go away--or I shall throw the money +after yer. (_The_ A. L. _remains in meek expectation;_ Old Billy +Fairplay, _and a_ Spotty-faced Man, _happen to pass; and join the group +out of innocent curiosity._) Will _you_ give me a penny for this, Sir? +(_To the Spotty-faced One, who shakes his head._) To oblige Me! (_This +is said in such an insinuating tone, that it is impossible to resist +him._) Now you've shown your confidence in me, will you open that packet +and show the company what it contains. + +_The Spotty-faced Man_ (_undoing the packet_). There's nothink inside o' +mine--it's a reg'lar do! + + [_Roars of laughter._ + +_The Y. M._ Quite right--there _was_ nothink inside o' thet partickler +packet. I put it there a-purpose, as a test. But I don't want nobody to +go away dissatisfied with my manner o' doin' business, and, though I +ain't promised yer nothing, I'll show yer I'm better than my word, and +them as trusts me'll find no reason to repent of 'aving done so. 'Ere's +your original penny back, Sir, and one, two, _three_ more atop of +that--wait, I ain't done with yer yet--'ere's sixpence more, because +I've took a fancy to yer face--and _now_ I 'ope you're satisfied! + +_The Sp.-F. M._ (_in an explanatory undertone to his neighbours_). I +knew it's on'y them as comes last thet gits left, d' yer see! + + [_Several bystanders hasten to purchase._ + +_Old Billy Fairplay_ (_in an injured tone_). There ain't on'y a +three-penny-bit in mine! + +_The Y. M._ 'Ark at 'im--there's a discontented ole josser for yer! I +carn't put 'arf a sov'rin' in _all_ o' the packets, not and make my +expenses. P'raps you'll 'ave better luck next time. + + [_The packets are in more demand than ever._ + +_The Agr. L._ May I open this 'ere packet now, Master? + +_The Y. M._ If you don't tell nobody what's in it, you may. I've sold as +many as I keer to a' ready. + +_The Agr. L._ (_opening the parcel, and finding a toy-watch of the value +of one farthing sterling_). 'Ere, I'll give yer this back--'tain't no +good to me! + +_The Y. M._ (_with concern_). I'm reelly very sorry, Sir, I've given you +a wrong 'un by mistake. I _quite_ fancied as----Allow me to apologise, +and, as a proof I 'aven't lost your good opinion, give me a penny for +this one. + + [_He selects a packet with great care from the heap._ + +_The A. L._ You don't take me in no moor--I'd sooner make ye a _present_ +o' the penny! + +_The Y. M._ (_wounded_). Don't talk like that, Sir--you'll be sorry for +it afterwards! (_In a whisper._) It's all right _this_ time, s'elp me! + +_The A. L._ I know as it's a kitch o' some sort ... --hows'ever, jest +this once. (_He purchases another packet, and is rewarded by an +eyeglass, constructed of cardboard and coloured gelatine, which he +flings into the circle in a fury._) 'Tis nobbut a darned swindle--and +I've done wi' ye! Ye're all a pack o' rogues together! + + [Exit, amidst laughter from the rest, whose confidence, + however, has been rewarded by very similar results. + +_The Y. M._ He don't know what he's lost by givin' way to his narsty +temper--but there, _I_ forgive 'im! (_He begins to replace the remaining +parcels in the chest; one packet escapes his notice, and is instantly +pounced upon by a sharp, but penniless urchin._) Now, Gentlemen, I'm +'ere reppersentin' two Charitable Institootions--the Blind Asylum, and +the Idjut Orfins--but I'm bloomin' sorry to say that, _this_ time, arter +I've deducted my little trifling commission, there'll be a bloomin' +little to 'and over to either o' them deservin' Sercieties; so, thenkin' +you all, and wishin' you bloomin' good luck, and 'appiness and +prosperity through life, I'll say good-bye to yer. + +_The Sharp Urchin_ (_after retiring to a safe distance with his booty._) +Theer's _summat_ inside of 'un--I can 'ear un a-rartlin' ... 'ow many +_moor_ wrops! 'Tis money, fur sartin!... (_Removes the last wrapping._) +Nawthen but a silly owld cough-drop! (_He calls after the_ Young Man, +_who is retreating with_ Mr. Fairplay, _and his spotty friend._) I've a +blamed good mind to 'ave th' Lar on ye fur that, I hev--a chatin' foaks +i' sech a way! Why don't ye act honest? + + [_Is left masticating the cough-lozenge in speechless + indignation._ + + + * * * * * + +"THE SINS OF SOCIETY." + +READ yesterday, in the _Fortnightly_, this article by OUIDA. Resolved to +follow her teachings at once. Changed my "frightful, grotesque, and +disgraceful male costume" for the most picturesque garments I had--a +kilt, a blue blazer, and a yellow turban, which I once wore at a fancy +dress ball. Then strolled along Piccadilly to the Club. Rather cool. +Having abandoned "the most vulgar form of salutation, the shake-hands," +bowed distantly to several men I had known for years--but they looked +another way. Met a policeman. "Hullo!" he said. "Come out o' that! Your +place is in the road." He mistook me for a sandwich-man! Explained that +I was advocating a new style of dress. "Where's yer trousers?" he asked. +"Trousers!" I cried. "Why, OUIDA"--but it was useless to explain to such +a fool--so I left him. + +At the Club, immense astonishment. Again explained. Members tapped their +foreheads, and said I had better see the Doctor. Why? Then they all +avoided me. Grand chance to show my ability "to support solitude, and to +endure silence." Deuced dull, but it saved me from "the poisoned +atmosphere of crowded rooms." Began to feel hungry about lunch-time, but +happily remembered that "it is not luxury which is enervating, it is +over-eating." Exhausted, but virtuous. Remembered that I had to dine at +my aunt's. Awkward! Could I go in that dress? She is so prim, and so +prejudiced in favour of trousers. Also she is so rich, and I was her +heir. It needs money to obtain the luxury which the great teacher +advocates. Hurried home, and put on hateful evening dress. Avoided +hansoms, they being too much connected with one "ugly hurry-skurry," and +drove to my aunt's in a damp, dirty four-wheeler. Even the new moralist +herself would have been satisfied with the slowness of that. + +At dinner sat between two charming women, evidently as clever as they +were beautiful. Suddenly remembered that we "lose the subtle and fine +flavours of our best dishes, because we consider ourselves obliged to +converse with somebody," and after that did not speak a word. Charming +women stared, and then each turned towards me a beautiful shoulder, and +I saw her face no more. Was just enjoying the flavours when I +recollected that nothing "can make even tolerable, artistically +speaking, the sight of men and women sitting bolt upright close together +taking their soup." We were long past the soup, but it was not too late. +I left the table at once, and reclined elegantly on the floor, with my +plate by my side. "AUGUSTUS," said my Aunt, "are you ill?" I shook my +head; I could not speak, for I was just enjoying an unusually subtle +flavour. Then one of the guests, a member of my Club, whispered to my +aunt, and tapped his forehead. Then she tapped her forehead, and all the +guests tapped their foreheads. I had finished that flavour, so I said, +"My dear Aunt, I am not mad, I----" "Then," said she, "you must be +intoxicated. Leave the house!" And, with the butler and the footmen +escorting me to the street-door, I was obliged to do so. + +It is all over. I know that my Aunt will bequeath her fortune to the +Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ancient Buildings among the +Jews, but I am consoled by the thought that I, at least, have followed +the noble teachings of the New Morality. + + * * * * * + + "WHEN FOUND MAKE A NOTE OF."--By Captain SCUTTLE, to + British East African Co.:--"Your Room is better than + your Company." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +THE title of Mr. CONAN DOYLE'S new book, _Adventures of Sherlock +Holmes_, is incomplete without the addition of, "And the D.D., or Dummy +Doctor," who plays a part in the narratives analogous to that of +"Charles, his Friend," on the stage. The book is, in many respects, a +thriller, reminding one somewhat of _The Diary of a Late Physician_, by +SAMUEL WARREN. This volume is handsomely got up--too handsomely--and +profusely, too profusely, illustrated. For both romancer and reader, +such stories are better un-illustrated. A sensational picture attracts, +and distracts. In this collection the Baron can recommend _The Beryl +Coronet_, _The Red-Headed League_, _The Copper Beeches_, and _The +Speckled Band_. The best time for reading any one of these stories is +the last thing at night, before turning in. "At such an hour, try _The +Speckled Band_, and see how you like it," says the Bold Baron. + +The Baron's assistant dives into the Christmas Card Basket, and produces +RAPHAEL TUCK AND SONS,--"Tuck," a schoolword dear to "our boys,"--who +lead off the Christmas dance. Daintily and picturesquely got up, their +Cards are quite full. Their Watteau Screens will serve as small +ornaments afterwards. These "Correct Cards," with few exceptions, are +not particularly for Christmas, but for all time. Here's Luck To RAPHAEL +TUCK! + +"Todgers's could do it when it liked," and so can Messrs. HUTCHINSON & +Co. at this Fairy Tale time, when they bring out three capital books, +edited by ALFRED H. MILES; _i.e._, _Fifty-two Fairy Tales_, _Fifty-two +other Stories for Boys_, and _Fifty-two other Stories for Girls_. Why +not Fairy Tales for a holiday task, and an examination in Fairy Lore, +with a Fairy Lore Degree for the successful candidate? + +Then come BLACKIE AND SONS with Plenty from HENTY--Mr. G. A. HENTY--who +at Christmas-time is anything but a "Non-Henty-ty." _Beric the Briton_, +_In Greek Waters_, _Condemned as a Nihilist!_--"Go it, HENTY!" The Baron +cheers you onward. + + [Illustration: + A NORSE TALE.] + +_The Thirsty Sword_, by ROBERT LEIGHTON. It's a killing story. + +_An Old-Time Yarn_, by EDGAR PICKERING, about the adventures of DRAKE +and HAWKINS. HAWKINS, mariner, not Sir 'ENRY, the Judge. New yarn. +Strong old salts--very refreshing. + +_The Bull Calf_, brought out for JOHN BULL JUNIOR'S amusement at +Christmas, and seasonably illustrated by FROST, is a queer sort of +animal of the Two Macs Donkey breed. Right for NIMMO to have some fun at +Christmas, according to old example, "_Nimmo mortalium omnibus horis +sapit._" + +What's in a name? not the first time this question has been asked and +answered--but 'tis impossible for the Baron to avoid quoting it now, +when in consequence of its title, he was within an ace of putting aside +_The Germ Growers_, under the impression that it was a scientific work +on Bacillus and Phylloxera. On taking it up, however, the Baron soon +became deeply interested, but was subsequently annoyed to find how the +artful author had beguiled him by leading up to a kind of imitation of +the _In hoc Signo vinces_ legend, and had somewhat adroitly adapted to +his purpose the imagery of one of the most poetic and sublime of ancient +Scripture narratives; _i.e._, where the prophet sees the chariots of +Israel in the air. One remarkable thing about the romance is the absence +of "love-motive," and, indeed, the absence of all female interest. Here +and there the Canon writes carelessly, as instance the following +paragraph:-- + + "Then he got a little glass-tube into which he put + something out of a very small bottle, which he took from + a number of others which lay side by side in a little + case which he took out of a pocket in the side of the + car." + +Apart from other faults, there are too many "whiches" here, and unlike +his malignant hero, _Davoli_, the Canon doesn't seem to be well up in +his "which-craft." Clever Canon POTTER must turn out from his Potteries +some ware superior to this for the public and + + THE BARON. + + * * * * * + + REFLECTION IN THE MIST.--You could have "cut the fog, it + was so thick," is a common expression. But the fog, + unwelcome as it always is, is not like an unwelcome + acquaintance, who can be "cut" or avoided by turning + down a street, or by pretending unconsciousness of his + proximity. + + * * * * * + + QUESTION FOR A LEGAL EXAM.--If a farmer purchased a good + milch cow reared at Dorking, what would be its (old + style) legal produce? _Answer or Rejoinder._--Why, of + course, some sort of Surrey-butter. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + CULTCHAH! + + _Suburban Belle_ (_to her Dressmaker_). "And I should + like a Medici Collar to my Tea-gown. Do you understand? + A Medici Collar--like that of the Venus de Medici!"] + + * * * * * + +"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER." + + DAVY JONES, _loquitur:_-- + + "_Fifteen men on the dead man's chest. Hey! ho! and a bottle of rum!"_ + Faith, that's a chorus I can rattle off with zest. Gratefully it + clatters upon DAVY'S tym-pa-num, + Like a devil's tattoo from Death's drum! Fi! Fo! Fum! These be very + parlous times for old legends of the sea. + VANDERDECKEN is taboo'd, the Sea Sarpint is pooh-pooh'd, but 'tis plain + as any pikestaff they can't disestablish Me! + DADDY NEPTUNE may delight in the Island trim and tight, where his + sea-dogs breed and fight, as in days of yore, + When old CHARLIE DIBDIN'S fancy piped free songs of JACK and NANCY, of + Jolly Salts at sea, and Old Tarry-Breeks ashore; + But if Britons rule the waves, as the grog-fired sailor raves, when he + dreams of glorious graves in the deep dark main, + DADDY NEPTUNE must allow DAVY shares his empire now, or the _Sultan_ + and the _Howe_ have gone down in vain. + + DADDY NEPTUNE loves me not. Plumped by storm or by shot, my Locker held + a lot in the days gone by, + But 'tis daily growing fuller. Is the British Tar off colour, are the + sea-dogs slower, duller, though as game to die? + Has Science spoilt their skill, that their iron pots so fill my old + Locker? How I thrill at the lumbering crash, + When a-crunch upon a rock, with a thundering Titan shock, goes some + shapeless metal block, to immortal smash? + + Oh! it's real, rasping fun! Mighty hull, monster gun, all are mine ere + all's done; and the millions madly spent + On a lollopping wolloping kettle, with ten thousand tons of metal sink + as the Titans settle, turtle-turned, or wrenched and rent, + To my rocks and my ooze. I seem little like to lose by the "Progress" + some abuse, and the many crack up. + Ah! NEPTUNE, sour old lad, DAVY JONES may well look glad at the modern + Iron-clad, and thank ARMSTRONG and KRUPP! + + Science and Salvage? Fudge! If _I_ am any judge, my sea-depths and salt + sludge will not lose by _them_. + NEP calls me callous mocker, but, according to _my_ Cocker, I may laugh, + with a full Locker, whilst the fools condemn. + Think of daring the blue brine with a chart of the Eighty-Nine, and "a + regular goldmine" in one huge black hulk! + Whilst the lubbers stick to that, I shall flourish and grow fat like a + shark or ocean-rat, though old NEP may sulk. + + Demon-Sexton of the Deep! Ha! ha! Ho! ho! I keep my old office. Wives + may weep, and the taxpayers moan; + Let the grumblers make appeal to King Science! Lords of Steel, Iron + Chieftains, do ye feel when your victims groan? + DAVY JONES is well content with that tribute ye have sent, with the + millions ye have spent just to glut his gorge; + He had seldom such a fill in the days of wood--and skill--constant + sea-fights, or the spill of the _Royal George_. + + Good old false last-century Chart! Though the conning may be smart, + and the steersman play his part, Palinurus-like, + Whilst they trust to your vain vellum, which is almost sure to sell + 'em, even DAVY JONES can tell 'em, they may sink or strike. + Hooray, King Death, hooray! Who says we've had our day! Pass the rum and + let's be gay. Not that "dead man's chest," + ROBERT LOUIS grimly sings, like my "Locker Chorus" rings--mingling + weirdly wedded things--grisly doom and jest! + + * * * * * + +On an Irish Landlord. + + "Love thou thy Land!" So sang the Laureate. + Were that sole Landlord duty, you'd fulfil it! + But land makes not a Land, nor soil a State. + Loving your land, how sullenly you hate-- + The People--who've to till it! + Of the earth, earthy is that love of soil + Which for wide-acred wealth will sap and spoil + The souls and sinews of the thralls of Toil. + Churl! Bear a human heart, a liberal hand! + _Then_ thou may'st say that thou dost "love thy Land." + + * * * * * + + WHEN a Stag has once been uncarted, and has been given + so many minutes law to get away, the Huntsman may correctly + allude to him as "The Deer Departed." + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + "DAVY JONES'S LOCKER." + + Davy Jones. "AHA! SO LONG AS THEY STICK TO THEM OLD + CHARTS, NO FEAR O' MY LOCKER BEIN' EMPTY!!"] + + * * * * * + +RECONCILIATION. + + (_Scene from that new Screaming Farce "The Political Box and Cox."_) + + ["Mr. GLADSTONE (says the _Daily Chronicle_) has + effected a formal reconciliation with the Member for + Northampton. He visited Mr. and Mrs. LABOUCHERE, took + tea with them, and had a long and very cordial + interview. So far, indeed, as Mr. LABOUCHERE ever had + any personal feeling in reference to his exclusion from + the Ministry, it may be regarded as dead."] + + [Illustration] + +_Box._ Although we are not destined to occupy the same--ahem!--Cabinet +Council Chamber--at present, I don't see any necessity for our cutting +each other's political throat, Sir. + +_Cox._ Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to. + +_Box._ And, after all, I've no violent animosity against _you_, Sir. + +_Cox._ Nor have I any rooted antipathy to _you_. Sir. + +_Box._ Besides, it was all--ahem!--Mrs.--ahem's fault, Sir! + +_Cox_ (_embarrassed_). Well--ahem!--my--er--loyalty--as a man of +honour--to--er--that lady, Sir, forbids, Sir, my saying, +or--er--permitting to be said---- + + [_Gradually approaching chairs._ + +_Box._ Ah, exactly, I _quite_ understand that. The truth is---- + +_Cox_ (_quickly_). A most excellent thing, in its way. I always see it. + +_Box._ Very well, Sir! + +_Cox._ Very well, Sir! [_Pause._ + +_Box._ Take a little jam, Sir! + +_Cox._ Thank you, Sir! + + [_Taking a spoonful. Pause._ + +_Box._ Do you sing, Sir? + +_Cox_ (_modestly_). I have, in days gone by, done a little Negro +Minstrelsy. + +_Box._ Then give us a breakdown. _(Pause.)_ Well, well, perhaps the +suggestion's a little inopportune. What is your opinion of smoking, Sir? + + [_Produces cigarette._ + +_Cox_ (_tartly_). I think it is a pestilent practice, Sir! + +_Box_ (_puffing_). So do some other singular people, Sir. To be sure, +they may not so much object to it if the pipes are not loaded. + +_Cox._ No--I daresay that _does_ make some difference. + +_Box._ And yet, Sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you, as rather +a waste of time, for people to keep puffing away at pipes (or +Programmes) with nothing in 'em? + +_Cox_ (_drily_). No, Sir--not more than any other harmless +recreation--such, for instance, as posing as a Party leader, without any +Party. + +_Box_ (_aside_). Some of his own Party may be found a bit shaky. Next +time I invite him, it may be to tea--and turn-out! + +_Cox_ (_aside_). Let him put _that_ in his pipe (or cigarette) and smoke +it! + +_Box_ (_aloud_). Well, well, now we so thoroughly understand each other, +what--even Programmes--shall part us? + +_Cox._ Who--even--ahem! a certain Party, shall tear us asunder? + +_Box._ COX! + +_Cox._ BOX! + + + [_About to embrace._ BOX _stops, seizes_ COX's _hand, + and looks eagerly in his face._ + +_Box._ You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I +gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced that you'd never be such a +suicidal idiot as to--seek another Chamber? + +_Cox_ (_winking_). Walker! + +_Box._ Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as the +"Strawberry Leaves" in your eye? + +_Cox._ No! + +_Box._ Then we _are_ brothers! + + [_They rush into each other's arms._ + +_Cox._ Of course, we stop where we are? + +_Box._ Of course! + +_Cox._ For between you and me, I'm rather partial to the House. + +_Box._ So am I--I feel quite at home in it. + +_Cox._ Everything so clean and comfortable! + +_Box._ And I'm sure its Mistress, Mrs.--ahem!--from what little +_I've_ seen of her, is very anxious to do her best. + +_Cox._ So she is--and I vote, Box, that we stand by her! + +_Box._ Agreed! (_winks._) There's my hand upon it--join but yours--agree +that the House is big enough to hold us both, then Box---- + +_Cox._ And Cox---- + +_Both._ Are satisfied! [_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +FACT, OR FUNK? + +SIR,--Will you permit me to protest against the shocking insecurity of +life and property in London? What are the Police doing? Only yesterday I +was walking, _in the middle of the day_, in a rather quiet road in this +suburb, when a _highway robber_, disguised as an ordinary beggar, asked +me for a copper! His look was _most forbidding_, and he put his hand +under his coat in a way that convinced me he was about to _draw a +revolver_! I at once gave him my purse, with half-a-crown in it, which +seemed to pacify him, and I am convinced that I owe my life to my +_presence of mind_. The shock, however, has quite prostrated me, and my +medical adviser has already paid me _three visits_, on the strength of +it, and says I need "careful watching for some time." He has very kindly +put off a holiday, in order to watch me, which is sufficient to prove +what a _diabolical outrage_ I have been the victim of! + Yours, indignantly, + _Cozynook, Sydenham._ TABITHA GRUNDY. + + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--We are coming to a really awful state of things in the +Strand! A friend of mine (who does not wish his name mentioned) assures +me that he was proceeding from the Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been +lunching, towards Charing Cross, when he was "attacked by VERTIGO" in +broad day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like +this VERTIGO--who from his name must be an Italian--are permitted to +plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our +Police Force and save the expense, the better. + NO ALARMIST. + + + +DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly +'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly +'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters +about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him +at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch +home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel +'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be +'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout +Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._ +Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache. + Yours, RUM PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +Sir Gerald Portal. + + OF Afric's districts C. and E., + 'Tis clear to any mortal, + We've but to keep our Afric key, + And enter by our PORTAL. + + * * * * * + +THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham +Journal:_-- + + WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years + old, suitable for Building work, about 16 + hands.--Address, &c. + +Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the +sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up! + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC. + + (_By Our Own Prophetic Reporter._) + + +A FEW days since a "Grand Intellectual _F๊te_" was given by the Flower +League in advancement of the Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke +of DITCHWATER. The Railway Companies afforded unusual facilities for +securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm amongst those +who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions arrived at +during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was arranged that some +one competent to undertake the task should introduce and explain the +various distractions afforded for the entertainment of the very numerous +company. Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, Barrister, of London, kindly +consented to act as lecturer, his professional engagements fortunately +allowing him leisure to assume such a responsibility. + +The Lecturer said that he was delighted to see so large a gathering. +(_Cheers._) They quite reminded him of the clients who thronged his +passage on the first day of Term, waiting for his chamber doors to open. +(_Laughter._) There was nothing in the remark he had just made to +provoke merriment. He wished it to be clearly understood that he +appealed to their reason. (_Cheers._) It had been objected that some of +the entertainments given at what had been called political pic-nics had +nothing to do with the reasoning faculties of the spectators. This he +emphatically denied. (_Applause._) Without wasting further of their +time--(_"No, no!" "Go on."_)--he would come to his first +illustration--the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia. (_Great cheering._) It +was advisable that the bodies as well as the minds of children educated +by the School-Boards should receive attention. Their bodies should be +brought to as near perfection as possible; every muscle should be +brought into play. To explain his meaning, he called upon the Bounding +Brothers of Bohemia to illustrate the poetry of motion. + +Upon this, five gentlemen in tights (understood to be the athletic +kindred to whom the Lecturer had referred) performed a series of feats +of strength, which included standing on one another's heads, jumping +through hoops, and turning quadruple somersaults. + +After their performances were over Mr. BRIEFLESS resumed. + +The Lecturer said: He next wished to appeal to their reason--to +challenge, so to speak, their senses on the power of foreign opinion. It +was asserted that an Englishman cared only for his native land and the +Press appertaining thereto. Now he (the Lecturer) had the greatest +respect for the English Press--(_cheers_)--still he found that some of +our foreign contemporaries were nearly as good. (_"Hear, hear!"_) He +wished to introduce the Signora MANTILLA from Spain--(_applause_)--who +had consented to sing a political song in Spanish, emphasizing her +opinions by a dance after each verse. (_Great cheering._) The Signora +MANTILLA then gave a demonstration, which was much appreciated. + +The Lecturer resumed. He said he had not insulted their intelligence by +asking them if they understood Spanish. Of course, they did. (_Loud +laughter._) He was quite sure that the Signora's third verse and +accompanying dance must have convinced everyone of the advantages of +Fair Trade. (_Laughter._) He saw no reason for merriment. (_Renewed +laughter._) He had now come to that important subject Bi-metallism. +(_Cheers._) They had been told that whereas speech was silver, silence +was golden. (_"Hear, hear!"_) To show the advantage of silver +(represented by speech), the Blue-eyed Nigger would give a native song +accompanied on his own banjo. (_Loud applause._) + +The Blue-eyed Nigger then favoured the company with one of his +characteristic ditties. + +The Lecturer said he had now to thank his audience for their kind +attention, and to inform them that the display of fireworks with +set-pieces containing political sentiments appealing to their reason, +would take place immediately. + +Shortly afterwards the company separated, greatly pleased with the +rational entertainment they had been invited to enjoy. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =MILITARY EDUCATION.= + + _General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of + Cavalry in modern warfare?" + + _Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give Tone to what + would otherwise be a mere Vulgar Brawl!"] + + * * * * * + +ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH. + + (Being a Parisian Parliamentary Procedure as "She Might be + Spoke in England.") + +SCENE--The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in attendance, +excited Members regarding them with derision. + +_First Member._ I claim the word, Mr. Speaker. I would ask Esquire +Harcourt, does he propose to make his Budget popular? + + [_"Very well! very well!" from the Conservatives._ + +_Esquire Harcourt._ I tell the Hon. Gentleman that by such a question he +insults the world! (_Cheers._) Nay, he insults England! + + [_Loud applause, in which all join._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). Still, you have not answered my +question. Is your Budget to be popular? + + [_Murmurs._ + +_Esquire Har._ (_with spirit_). I consider such a question twice +repeated an infamy! + + [_Enthusiastic cheering._ + +_Second Mem._ Then it is you who are infamous! + + [_Uproar._ + +_The Speaker._ Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on my +hat--do not cause me to suspend the sitting. + +_First Mem._ Surely a civil question deserves a civil answer? + +_Esquire Harcourt._ Not in a nation that has bled on the field of +battle. [_Roars of applause._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). And yet what I required to know was +reasonable. I wished to know whether Esquire Harcourt proposed to name a +popular Budget? + +_Esquire Harcourt._ He repeats the calumny! [_Uproar._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). But is there no reply? I would ask Sir +Gladstone--is there no reply? + +_Sir Gladstone_ (_springing to his feet_). It is for the honour of +England! (_Immense enthusiasm._) And now, Sir, you are answered! + + [Roars of applause. Scene closes in upon Ministers receiving + the hand-shakes of supporters and opponents. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + SPORT AS A MATTER OF COURSE-ING.] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + LADIES IN THE HUNTING FIELD. + + It is The Opinion of Mr. Phunkie "that the Fair Sex is all + very well at the Covert Side, and he has no objection to a + little quiet Flirtation there; but if a Man is expected to + go hanging round a Girl when Hounds are running, the thing + is apt to become a dooce of a Nuisance!"] + + * * * * * + +TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE. + + ["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at Westminster Police + Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving for each + pair of trousers 8-1/4_d._, and for each flannel-belt, + rather less than one penny."--_Daily Paper._] + + O England, you boast of your warrior sons, + Your history tells of them, fearless in strife, + How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns, + So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life! + + You honour them rightly, but do not forget + That economy pleases the voters as well; + Each penny reduces the National Debt; + Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell. + + You could not escape paying pounds to the men + Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied + In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then! + Remember pence saved, not your children who died! + + Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex + A skilful economist. This can be met. + You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex; + If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get! + + Then lavish your honours, your wealth, on the brave, + If you did not, perhaps, scarce a man would enlist; + But forget not the gain of each penny you save, + And starve these poor Women--they cannot resist. + + * * * * * + + _Pears' Christmas Number_--what it ought to be:--A new + edition of "_His Soap's Fables_." + + * * * * * + + The Real Enemy to "The Big Loaf" (According to John + Burns).--The Big Loafer. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +NATIONAL ART-TREASURES.--I see that objections are being made to +Millbank as a suitable site for the Picture Gallery which Mr. Tate has +so generously offered to the nation. May I ask whether the advantages of +the Isle of Dogs have ever been considered? The position being right out +of the way of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the +river-fog district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures +by damp, its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate +our Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the +Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the +neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to +dealing with the precipitation of sludge. Perhaps some Art-lover would +reply. + Citizen of a Rather Mean City. + + +HOUSEHOLDER'S DIFFICULTIES.--Could some practical Correspondent advise +us as to what would be the best course to pursue under the following +awkward circumstances? I live in a house in a newly-constructed terrace, +with very thin party-walls. The tenant on one side has just set up a +private establishment for the reception of the most thoroughly incurable +class of maniacs, while on the other side is a family who make their +living by piano, violin, and cornet performances, at private houses. I +have asked the landlord to abate the nuisance by adding another brick to +the thickness of the walls on each side; but he writes to me, giving his +address at the Bankruptcy Court, to explain that the houses are not so +constructed as to bear the extra weight, which I think very probable. I +would apply for an injunction against the Maniacs, were it not that +their howlings are sometimes useful in drowning the sound of the +constant practising on the piano. Would it be wise to retaliate by +dropping bricks at midnight down my neighbours' chimneys? What is the +least term of Penal Servitude that I could get if I hired some of the +Unemployed to break into the musical house and smash up the instruments? +If I went as a Deputation on the subject to Mr. Asquith, should I be +likely to be cordially received? + Tortured Tenant. + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether + MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +103, December 10, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20759-8.txt or 20759-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/5/20759/ + +Produced by V. L. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 10, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 7, 2007 [EBook #20759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>VOL. 103.</h2> +<hr class="half"> +<h2>DECEMBER 10, 1892.</h2> +<hr class="half"> + + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span></p> +<h2>CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS.</h2> + +<p class="subtitle"><span class="smcap">The Smoking-Room</span> +(<i>continued</i>).</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">I may</span> assume, that after the terrible +example given in my last chapter, you have firmly made up your mind +never on any account to take service in the great army of bores. But +this determination is not all that is necessary. A man must constantly +keep a strict guard on himself, lest he should unconsciously deviate +even for a few minutes into the regions of boredom. Whatever you do, +let nothing tempt you to relate more than once any grievance you may +have. Nothing of course is more poisonous to the aggrieved one than to +stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once only, he may produce +it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for making even this +slight concession. Please be careful, therefore, not to abuse it. Is +there in the whole world a more ridiculous sight than a strong, +healthy, well-fed sportsman who wearies his companions one after +another with the depressing recital of his ill-luck, or of the +dastardly behaviour of the head-keeper in not stopping the whole party +for half an hour to search for an imaginary bird, which is supposed to +have fallen stone-dead somewhere or other; or of the iniquities of the +man from whom he bought his cartridges in not loading them with the +right charge; or any of the hundred inconveniences and injuries to +which sportsmen are liable. All these things may be as he says they +are. He may be the most unfortunate, the most unjustly treated of +mankind. But why insist upon it? Why check the current of sympathy by +the dam of constant repetition? And, after all, how trivial and absurd +the whole thing is! Even a man whose career has been ruined by +malicious persecution will be avoided like a pest if it is known that +he dins the account of his wrongs into everyone's ears. How, then, +shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of ordinary sport be listened +to with patience? Of all bores, the grievancemonger is the fiercest +and worst. Lay this great truth by in your memory, and be mindful of +it in more important matters than sport when the occasion arises.</p> + +<div class="floatr"> +<a href="images/265.png"> +<img src="images/265th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<p style="font-size:.75em;margin:0;padding:0;">Click for full size image</p> +</div> + +<p>I have been asked to say, whether a man may abuse his gun? I reply +emphatically, no. A gun is not a mere ordinary machine. Its beautiful +arrangement of locks, and springs, and catches, and bolts, and pins, +and screws, its unaccountable perversities, its occasional fits of +sulkiness, its lovely brown complexion, and its capacity both for +kicking and for smoking, all prove that a gun is in reality a sentient +being of a very high order of intelligence. You may be quite certain +that if you abuse your gun, even when you may imagine it to be far out +of earshot, comfortably cleaned and put to roost on its rack, your gun +will resent it. Why are most sportsmen so silent, so <i>distraits</i> +at breakfast? Why do they dally with a scrap of fish, and linger over +the consumption of a small kidney, and drink great draughts of tea to +restore their equilibrium? If you ask them, they will tell you that +it's because they're "just a bit chippy," owing to sitting up late, or +smoking too much, or forgetting to drink a whiskey and soda before +they went to bed. I know better. It is because they incautiously spoke +evil of their guns, and their guns retaliated by haunting their sleep. +I <i>know</i> guns have this power of projecting horrible emanations +of themselves into the slumbers of sportsmen who have not treated them +as they deserved. I have suffered from it myself. It was only last +week that, having said something derogatory to the dignity of my +second gun, I woke with a start at two o'clock in the morning, and +found its wraith going through the most horrible antics in a patch of +moonlight on my bed-room floor. I shot with that gun on the following +day, and missed nearly everything I shot at. Could there be a more +convincing proof? Take my advice, therefore, and abstain from abusing +your gun.</p> + +<p>Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include +the following subjects:—(1) The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom +every district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with +somebody; (2) "The best shot in England," who is to be found in every +country-side, and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his +particular district take a patriotic pride; (3) the folly and +wickedness of those who talk or write ignorantly against any kind of +sport; (4) the deficiency of hares due to the rascally provisions of +the Hares and Rabbits Act; (5) a few reminiscences, slightly +glorified, of the particular day's sport; and (6) a prolonged argument +on the relative merits of the old plan of shooting birds over dogs, +and the modern methods of walking them up or driving. These are not +the only, but certainly the chief ingredients. Let me give you an +example, drawn from my note-book.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Smoking-room of a +Country-house in December. Six Sportsmen in Smoking-coats. Time</i>, +11.15 <span class="smcap">p.m.</span></p> + +<p><i>First Sportsman</i> (<i>concluding a harangue</i>). All I can +say is, I never read such rot in all my life. Why, the fellow doesn't +know a gun from a cartridge-bag. I'm perfectly sick of reading that +everlasting rubbish about "pampered minions of the aristocracy +slaughtering the unresisting pheasant in his thousands at battues." I +wonder what the beggars imagine a rocketing pheasant is like? I should +like to have seen one of 'em outside Chivy Wood to-day. I never saw +taller birds in my life. Talk of <i>them</i> being easy! Why, a +pheasant gets ever so much more show for his money when he's beaten +over the guns. If they simply walk him up, he hasn't got a thousand to +one chance. Bah! +<p class="ralign">[<i>Drinks from a long glass.</i></p> + +<p><i>Second Sportsman.</i> I saw in some paper the other day what the +President of the United States thought about English battue-shooting. +Seemed to think we shot pheasants perched in the trees, and went on to +say that wasn't the sport for <i>him; he</i> liked to go after his +game, and find it for himself. Who the deuce cares if he does? If he +can't talk better sense than that, no +wonder <span class="smcap">Cleveland</span> beat him in the +election.</p> + +<p><i>Third Sp.</i> Pure rubbish, of course. Still I must say, apart +from pheasants, I like the old plan of letting your dogs work. It's +far more sport than walking up partridges in line, or getting them +driven at you.</p> + +<p><i>First Sp.</i> My dear fellow, I don't agree with you a bit. In +the first place, as to driving—driven birds are fifty times more +difficult; and what's the use of wasting time with setters or pointers +in ordinary root-fields. It's all sentiment.</p> + +<p>[<i>A long and animated discussion ensues. This particular subject +never fails to provoke a tremendous argument.</i></p> + +<p class="caption">(<i>A few minutes later.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Second Sp.</i> (<i>to the host</i>). What was the bag +to-day, <span class="smcap">Chalmers</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Chalmers.</i> A hundred and forty-five pheasants, fifty-six +rabbits, eleven hares, three pigeons, and a woodcock. We should have +got a hundred and eighty pheasants if they hadn't dodged us in the big +wood. I can't make out where they went.</p> + +<p><i>Second Sp.</i> It's a deuced difficult wood to beat, that is. I +thought we should have got more hares, all the same.</p> + +<p><i>Chalmers.</i> Hares! I think I'm precious lucky to get so many +nowadays. There won't be a hare left in a year or two.</p> + +<p class="caption">(<i>The discussion proceeds.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Third Sp.</i> How's old <span class="smcap">Johnny Raikes</span> +shooting this year? I never saw such a chap for rocketers. They can't +escape him.</p> + +<p><i>Chalmers.</i> I asked him to-day, but he couldn't come. I think +for pheasants he's quite the best shot in England. Nobody can beat him +at that game.</p> + +<p><i>Fourth Sp.</i> Hasn't he got some row or other on +with <span class="smcap">Crackside</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Chalmers.</i> Yes. That makes fourteen +rows <span class="smcap">Crackside</span> has got going on all at +once. He seems to revel in them. His latest move was to refuse to pay +tithe, and when the parson levied a distress, he made all his tenants +drunk and walked at their head blowing a post-horn. He's as mad as a +hatter.</p> + +<p>So there you have a sample conversation, sketched in outline. You +will find it accurate enough. All you have to do is to select for +yourself the part you mean to play in it.</p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h3>Something to Live For.</h3> + +<p class="subtitle">(<i>From the Literary Club Smoking-room.</i>)</p> + +<p><i>Cynicus.</i> I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to +write My Reminiscences?</p> + +<p><i>Amicus.</i> Ah, but remember, "<i>De mortuis nil nisi +bonum.</i>"</p> + +<p><i>Cynicus.</i> Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good +stories about them.</p> + +<hr class="short"> + +<p><span class="smcap">So Like Her!</span>—"I can never trust him," +said Mrs. R., alluding to a friend of hers, who considered himself well +up in <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span>, "because I've found out +before now that he gargles his quotations."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Note.</span>—"The Man who Would," <i>will</i> +appear next week. No. IV.</p> + +<hr class="long"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<a href="images/266.png"> +<img src="images/266th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<h3>THE RHODES COLOSSUS</h3> +<p class="caption">STRIDING FROM CAPE TOWN TO CAIRO.</p> +</div> + +<hr class="long"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span></p> + +<h2>THE RHODES COLOSSUS.</h2> + +<p class="note">["Mr. <span class="smcap">Rhodes</span> announced that +it was his intention, either with the help of his friends or by +himself, to continue the telegraph northwards, across the Zambesi, +through Nyassaland, and along Lake Tanganyika to Uganda. Nor is this +all.... This colossal <i>Monte Cristo</i> means to cross the Soudan +... and to complete the overland telegraph line from Cape Town to +Cairo; that is, from England to the whole of her possessions or +colonies, or 'spheres of influence' in Africa."—<i>The +Times.</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem"> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">The</span> World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone!</span><br> +<span class="i2">On Marvel World's billows 'twill toss us—'twill toss us,</span><br> +<span class="i0">To watch him, Director and Statesman in one,</span><br> +<span class="i2">This Seven-League-Booted Colossus—Colossus!</span><br> +<span class="i0">Combining in one supernatural blend</span><br> +<span class="i2">Plain Commerce and Imagination—gination;</span><br> +<span class="i0">O'er Africa striding from dark end to end,</span><br> +<span class="i2">To forward black emancipation—cipation.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Brobdingnagian Bagman, big Dreamer of Dreams.</span><br> +<span class="i2">A Titan of tact and shrewd trader—shrewd trader!</span><br> +<span class="i0">A diplomat full of <i>finesse</i> and sharp schemes,</span><br> +<span class="i2">With a touch of the pious Crusader—Crusader!</span><br> +<span class="i0">A "Dealer" with despots, a "Squarer" of Kings,</span><br> +<span class="i2">A jumper of mountain, lake, wilderness, wady,</span><br> +<span class="i0">And manager 'cute of such troublesome things</span><br> +<span class="i2">A <span class="smcap">Lobengula</span> or the <span class="smcap">Mahdi</span>—the <span class="smcap">Mahdi</span>.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Well may <span class="smcap">Abercorn</span> wonder and <span class="smcap">Fife</span> tootle praise,</span><br> +<span class="i2">His two thousand hearers raise cheering—raise cheering.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Of wild would-be Scuttlers he proves the mad craze,</span><br> +<span class="i2">And of Governments prone to small-beering—small-beering.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Sullen Boers may prove bores to a man of less tact,</span><br> +<span class="i2">A duffer funk wiles Portuguesy—tuguesy;</span><br> +<span class="i0">But Dutchmen, black potentates, all sorts, in fact,</span><br> +<span class="i2">To <span class="smcap">Rhodes</span> the astute come quite easy—quite easy.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">The British South-African Company's shares</span><br> +<span class="i2"><i>May</i> be at a discount—(Trade-martyrs!—trade-martyrs!)—</span><br> +<span class="i0">But he, our Colossus, strides on, he declares,</span><br> +<span class="i2">Whether with or without chums or charters—or charters.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Hooray! We brave Britons are still to the front—</span><br> +<span class="i2">Provided we've someone to boss us—to boss us;</span><br> +<span class="i0">And Scuttlers will have their work cut out to shunt</span><br> +<span class="i2">This stalwart, far-striding Colossus—Colossus!</span><br> +</div> + +</div><!-- end .poem --> + +<hr class="half"> + +<div class="center"> +<a href="images/267.png"> +<img src="images/267th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<h3>A HEARTY WELCOME.</h3> + +<p><i>Local Flyman</i> (<i>who also officiates at Funerals</i>). +"<span class="smcap">Mornin', Sir. Glad to see you out again! Really +thought I should 'a' had the honor of Drivin' you to the Cemetery, +Sir!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<p><span class="smcap">Taxes. A Hoarding and Saving +Clause.</span>—<i>ภ propos</i> of an article in the <i>Times</i> on +this subject, and a paragraph of <i>Mr. Punch's</i>, last week, anent +"Hoardings," we may now put a supplementary question in this form, "As +Government taxes <i>Savings</i>, would it not be quite consistent to +tax <i>Hoardings</i>?" Since the answer must, logically, be in the +affirmative, let Government begin at once with all the Hoardings +displaying any kind of hideous pictorial advertisement.</p> + +<hr class="short"> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">He</span> rumbles so in his conversation," +observed Mrs. R. of an orator whose sentences were considerably +involved, "that I can seldom catch the grist of what he says."</p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>PRACTICAL THEOSOPHY.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Besant</span> is said to have told a +representative of a daily paper, that "an adept in Theosophy uses his +supernatural powers solely for his own convenience, just as ordinary +people avail themselves of a messenger, or the telephone or +telegraph."</p> + +<p>We have it on the very best of authority that the discharge of +handbills from a๋rial bombs is to be entirely surpassed as a method +for advertising a commodity, by a new and protected process.</p> + +<p>"A Company is being formed," so runs the prospectus, "for the +express purpose of importing Mahatmas of the very best vintage +(guaranteed <i>extra sec</i>), direct from Thibet, where an +exceptionally luxuriant crop has been produced during past years.</p> + +<p>"They will be shipped to any port in the United Kingdom, and +delivered to any address, carriage free, at prices which will compare +most favourably with those quoted by foreign firms for inferior +articles.</p> + +<p>"The trade supplied by special contract.</p> + +<p>"They will prove invaluable to advertisers and others.</p> + +<p>"No family should be without one. Order early.</p> + +<p>"They can be used for a variety of purposes; but they will be found +most particularly serviceable for distributing handbills and posters, +especially in inaccessible places.</p> + +<p>"<i>Domestic servants entirely superseded by them.</i></p> + +<p>"Prompt and accurate delivery of any object may be effected by +their agency, owing to their marvellous powers of precipitation.</p> + +<p>"Full instructions for working, and instruments for repairing, +supplied with each specimen.</p> + +<p>"Not liable to get out of order.</p> + +<p>"Safe in the hands of a child. Yet they are not toys.</p> + +<p>"Procurable of any respectable Lunatic Asylum.</p> + +<p>"Ask for Our Brand, and see that you get none other.</p> + +<p>"Beware of worthless foreign imitations, which dishonest dealers +will try to foist upon you.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Of Mahatmas young, and Mahatmas old,</span><br> +<span class="i0">Of Mahatmas meek, and Mahatmas bold,</span><br> +<span class="i0">Of Mahatmas gentle, and Mahatmas rough,</span><br> +<span class="i0">We lay long odds that we'll sell enough."</span><br> +</div> +</div> + +<p>The financial column of the Journal of the Future, we may expect, +will read somewhat as follows:—"Mahatmas opened weak, but slowly +advanced a third. Later they became stronger, and closed firm at +8-1/4. Latest—Mahatmas fell rapidly."</p> + +<p><i>Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.</i></p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<p><span class="smcap">Charity Begins Abroad.</span>—The following +advertisement (which recently appeared in the <i>Times</i>) has been +sent for solution:—</p> + +<p class="note">GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of +100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in Europe, Africa, +America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM, capable of giving important +profits. Offers to be addressed, &c.</p> + +<p>In reply to this appeal, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to say that "the +gentleman with knowledge of business" seems to be anxious to act as an +<i>alter ego</i> to a serious (not a jocular) firm "capable of giving +profits." <span class="smcap">"Gentleman"</span> does not specify whose +profits the serious firm is capable of giving, and thus it may be +presumed that the 100,000 francs would form the capital with which the +charitable transaction would be conducted. This is the more probable +as <span class="smcap">"Gentleman"</span> says he knows how to dispose +of them.</p> + +<hr class="long"> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span></p> + +<h2>ALL ROUND THE FAIR.</h2> + +<p class="subtitle">No. IV.</p> + +<h3><span class="smcap">The Irish Giant Baby "At Home."</span></h3> + +<blockquote> +<p><i>The exterior of the Show is painted to represent a Cottage, and +bears the highly improbable name of</i> "<span class="smcap">Polly +O'Gracious</span>," <i>with an even less credible announcement that this +is the identical "little cot where she was born." Inside is an ordinary +tent, with a rough platform at the further end, whereon is an empty +chair, at which a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and +some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and patiently +staring for the last quarter of an hour.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p><i>First Farm Labourer</i> (<i>to Second</i>). I bin in 'ere 'bout +erf an hour, I hev, and ain't seed nowt so fur!</p> + +<p><i>Second F. L.</i> Same 'ere! Seems to take 'em a proper good time +a-gittin' o' this 'ere baby claned up!</p> + +<p><i>First F. L.</i> Ah, it do. But look at the <i>size</i> on her!</p> + +<p><i>Second F. L.</i> Size! They cudn't be no slower not with a +hellyphant!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>[<i>The tedium is relieved by a very audible +dispute outside between the Driver of +the Baby's Caravan and the Wife of +the Conjuror next door, who appears +to have excited the Driver's displeasure +by consenting to take the money in the +absence of the Baby's proprietress.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p><i>The Driver</i> (<i>with dignity</i>). I consider it a bloomin' +liberty, and a downright piece of himpertinence, you comin' 'ere +interferin' with with my business—and so I tell yer!</p> + +<p><i>The Lady</i> (<i>with more dignity</i>). I'm not taking no +liberties with nobody—she ast me to it, or I shoudn't <i>be</i> +'ere—<i>I</i> don't want to take the money, not without bein' ast to do +so. She come and ast me to take her place while she was away, and in +course <i>I</i> wasn't goin' to say no.</p> + +<p><i>Driver.</i> Don't you tork to me. I know what <i>you</i> are, +puttin' yerself forward whenever yer can—a goin' tellin' the people on +the road as you was the Baby's mother!</p> + +<p><i>The Lady.</i> I never said no such thing! Why should I want to +tell sech a story for?</p> + +<p><i>Driver.</i> Arsk yourself—not me. And p'raps you never said you +'ad valuable property in our waggin' neither.</p> + +<p><i>Lady</i> (<i>apparently cut to the heart by this accusation</i>). +It's a false'ood! I never 'ad no valuable property in your waggin', nor +yet nobody else's; and I'll thank you to keep your distance, and not go +raggin' me.</p> + +<p><i>Driver</i> (<i>edging nearer</i>), I'll keep <i>my</i> distance. +But don't you make no mistake—I'm not to be <i>played</i> with! I'm +sick o' your goin's on. And then(<i>reviving a rankling and mysterious +grievance</i>) to think o' you a comin' mincin' up on the road with +yer(<i>mimicking</i>), "Oh, yus, +Mrs. <span class="smcap">Fairchild</span>, there's a blacksmith jest +across the way!" What call 'ad you got to shove <i>your</i> nose in like +that, eh? you're a interferin' cat, that's what <i>you</i> are!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> +[<i>The</i> Conjuror's Lady <i>is moved to the verge of tears and assault, and +her wrath is only assuaged by the arrival of the missing Proprietress, +who patches up a temporary peace; presently the hangings +at the back are parted, and an immensely stout child, dressed in +an infant's frock, waddles in, hoists herself on the platform and +into the chair, from which she regards the Spectators with stolid +composure; the small boys edge back, nudge one another and +snigger furtively; the girls say "Oh, lor!" in a whisper, and +a painful silence follows.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p><i>A Middle-aged Labourer</i> (<i>feeling the awkwardness of the +situation</i>). 'Ow old may you be, Missy?</p> + +<p><i>The Giant Baby</i> (<i>with a snap</i>). Ten!</p> + +<blockquote> +<p> +[<i>She gazes all round with the hauteur peculiar to a phenomenon, and +her visitors are only relieved from the strain by the timely appearance +of the Exhibitor, a Mulatto lady, who gives a brief biographical sketch +of the Infant's career, with details of her weight and measurements. +Then</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Polly</span> <i>sings a stanza of +"Little Annie Rooney" in a phonographic manner, dances a few ponderous +steps, and identifies the most sheepish youth in the audience—much to +his embarrassment—as her sweetheart, after which her audience is +permitted to shake hands with her and depart.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="short"> + +<h3><span class="smcap">A Prize Lottery.</span></h3> + +<blockquote> +<p> +<i>A</i> Young Man <i>in a light suit, and a paste pin in a dirty white necktie, +has arrived with a chest, from which he extracts a quantity of +small parcels in coloured tissue-paper.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p><i>The Young Man</i> (<i>as a group collects around him</i>). Now, +I'm 'ere to orfer those among yer who 'ave the courage to embark in +speckilation an unrivalled opportunity of enriching themselves at next +to no expense. Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' +more or less value, amongst them bein', I may tell yer, two 'undred +threepenny pieces, not to mention 'igher coins up to 'arf a sov'rin. +Mind, I promise nothing—I only say this: that those who show confidence +in me I'll reward beyond their utmost expectations.( <i>To an</i> +Agricultural Labourer <i>in the circle.</i>) 'Ere, you Sir, 'ave you +ever seen me before in all your life?</p> + +<div class="floatr" style="width:35%"> +<a href="images/268.png"> +<img src="images/268th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<p>"Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' more or less +value."</p> +</div> + +<p><i>The Agricultural Labourer</i> (<i>with a conscientious fear of +committing himself</i>). I <i>may</i> 'ave.</p> + +<p><i>The Young Man.</i> You <i>may</i> 'ave! '<i>Ave</i> you? +'Ave <i>I</i> ever seen <i>you</i>? Come now!</p> + +<p><i>The Agr. L.</i> (<i>cautiously</i>). I carn't answer fur what +you've <i>seen</i>, Sir.</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> Well, are you a friend o' mine?</p> + +<p><i>The A. L.</i> (<i>after inward searchings</i>). Not as I'm aweer +on.</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> Then take this packet.(<i>The</i> A. L. <i>grins and +hesitates.</i>) Give me a penny for it.(<i>The</i> A. L. <i>hangs +back.</i>) Do as I <i>say</i>! (<i>His tone is so peremptory that +the</i> A. L. <i>hastens to obey.</i>) Now don't open that till I tell +you, and don't go away—or I shall throw the money after yer. +(<i>The</i> A. L. <i>remains in meek +expectation;</i> <span class="smcap">Old Billy Fairplay</span>, <i>and +a</i> Spotty-faced Man, <i>happen to pass; and join the group out of +innocent curiosity.</i>) Will <i>you</i> give me a penny for this, Sir? +(<i>To the Spotty-faced One, who shakes his head.</i>) To oblige Me! +(<i>This is said in such an insinuating tone, that it is impossible to +resist him.</i>) Now you've shown your confidence in me, will you open +that packet and show the company what it contains.</p> + +<p><i>The Spotty-faced Man</i> (<i>undoing the packet</i>). There's +nothink inside o' mine—it's a reg'lar do!</p> +<p class="ralign">[<i>Roars of laughter.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> Quite right—there <i>was</i> nothink inside o' thet +partickler packet. I put it there a-purpose, as a test. But I don't want +nobody to go away dissatisfied with my manner o' doin' business, and, +though I ain't promised yer nothing, I'll show yer I'm better than my +word, and them as trusts me'll find no reason to repent of 'aving done +so. 'Ere's your original penny back, Sir, and one, two, <i>three</i> +more atop of that—wait, I ain't done with yer yet—'ere's sixpence +more, because I've took a fancy to yer face—and <i>now</i> I 'ope +you're satisfied!</p> + +<p><i>The Sp.-F. M.</i> (<i>in an explanatory undertone to his +neighbours</i>). I knew it's on'y them as comes last thet gits left, +d'yer see!</p> + +<p class="ralign">[<i>Several bystanders hasten to purchase.</i></p> + +<p><i>Old Billy Fairplay</i> (<i>in an injured tone</i>). There ain't +on'y a three-penny-bit in mine!</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> 'Ark at 'im—there's a discontented ole josser for +yer! I carn't put 'arf a sov'rin' in <i>all</i> o' the packets, not and +make my expenses. P'raps you'll 'ave better luck next time.</p> + +<p class="ralign">[<i>The packets are in more demand than ever.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Agr. L.</i> May I open this 'ere packet now, Master?</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> If you don't tell nobody what's in it, you may. I've +sold as many as I keer to a' ready.</p> + +<p><i>The Agr. L.</i> (<i>opening the parcel, and finding a toy-watch of +the value of one farthing sterling</i>). 'Ere, I'll give yer this +back—'tain't no good to me!</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> (<i>with concern</i>). I'm reelly very sorry, Sir, +I've given you a wrong 'un by mistake. I <i>quite</i> fancied +as——Allow me to apologise, and, as a proof I 'aven't lost your good +opinion, give me a penny for this one.</p> + +<p class="ralign">[<i>He selects a packet with great care from the +heap.</i></p> + +<p><i>The A. L.</i> You don't take me in no moor—I'd sooner make ye a +<i>present</i> o' the penny!</p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> (<i>wounded</i>). Don't talk like that, Sir—you'll +be sorry for it afterwards! (<i>In a whisper.</i>) It's all right +<i>this</i> time, s'elp me!</p> + +<p><i>The A. L.</i> I know as it's a kitch o' some sort ... —hows'ever, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> +jest this once. (<i>He purchases another packet, and is rewarded by an +eyeglass, constructed of cardboard and coloured gelatine, which he +flings into the circle in a fury.</i>) 'Tis nobbut a darned swindle—and +I've done wi' ye! Ye're all a pack o' rogues together!</p> + +<p class="center">[<i>Exit, amidst laughter from the rest, whose +confidence, however, has been rewarded by very similar results.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Y. M.</i> He don't know what he's lost by givin' way to his narsty +temper—but there, <i>I</i> forgive 'im! (<i>He begins to replace the remaining +parcels in the chest; one packet escapes his notice, and is instantly +pounced upon by a sharp, but penniless urchin.</i>) Now, Gentlemen, I'm +'ere reppersentin' two Charitable Institootions—the Blind Asylum, and +the Idjut Orfins—but I'm bloomin' sorry to say that, <i>this</i> time, arter +I've deducted my little trifling commission, there'll be a bloomin' +little to 'and over to either o' them deservin' Sercieties; so, thenkin' +you all, and wishin' you bloomin' good luck, and 'appiness and +prosperity through life, I'll say good-bye to yer.</p> + +<p><i>The Sharp Urchin</i> (<i>after retiring to a safe distance with his booty.</i>) +Theer's <i>summat</i> inside of 'un—I can 'ear un a-rartlin' ... 'ow many +<i>moor</i> wrops! 'Tis money, fur sartin!... (<i>Removes the last wrapping.</i>) +Nawthen but a silly owld cough-drop! (<i>He calls after the</i> Young Man, +<i>who is retreating with</i> Mr. Fairplay, <i>and his spotty +friend.</i>) I've a blamed good mind to 'ave th' Lar on ye fur that, I +hev—a chatin' foaks i' sech a way! Why don't ye act honest?</p> + +<p class="ralign">[<i>Is left masticating the cough-lozenge in +speechless indignation.</i></p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>"THE SINS OF SOCIETY."</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Read,</span> yesterday, in +the <i>Fortnightly</i>, this article +by <span class="smcap">Ouida</span>. Resolved to follow her teachings at +once. Changed my "frightful, grotesque, and disgraceful male costume" +for the most picturesque garments I had—a kilt, a blue blazer, and a +yellow turban, which I once wore at a fancy dress ball. Then strolled +along Piccadilly to the Club. Rather cool. Having abandoned "the most +vulgar form of salutation, the shake-hands," bowed distantly to several +men I had known for years—but they looked another way. Met a policeman. +"Hullo!" he said. "Come out o' that! Your place is in the road." He +mistook me for a sandwich-man! Explained that I was advocating a new +style of dress. "Where's yer trousers?" he asked. "Trousers!" I cried. +"Why, <span class="smcap">Ouida</span>"—but it was useless to explain +to such a fool—so I left him.</p> + +<p>At the Club, immense astonishment. Again explained. Members tapped +their foreheads, and said I had better see the Doctor. Why? Then they +all avoided me. Grand chance to show my ability "to support solitude, +and to endure silence." Deuced dull, but it saved me from "the poisoned +atmosphere of crowded rooms." Began to feel hungry about lunch-time, but +happily remembered that "it is not luxury which is enervating, it is +over-eating." Exhausted, but virtuous. Remembered that I had to dine at +my aunt's. Awkward! Could I go in that dress? She is so prim, and so +prejudiced in favour of trousers. Also she is so rich, and I was her +heir. It needs money to obtain the luxury which the great teacher +advocates. Hurried home, and put on hateful evening dress. Avoided +hansoms, they being too much connected with one "ugly hurry-skurry," and +drove to my aunt's in a damp, dirty four-wheeler. Even the new moralist +herself would have been satisfied with the slowness of that.</p> + +<p>At dinner sat between two charming women, evidently as clever as they +were beautiful. Suddenly remembered that we "lose the subtle and fine +flavours of our best dishes, because we consider ourselves obliged to +converse with somebody," and after that did not speak a word. Charming +women stared, and then each turned towards me a beautiful shoulder, and +I saw her face no more. Was just enjoying the flavours when I +recollected that nothing "can make even tolerable, artistically +speaking, the sight of men and women sitting bolt upright close together +taking their soup." We were long past the soup, but it was not too late. +I left the table at once, and reclined elegantly on the floor, with my +plate by my side. "<span class="smcap">Augustus</span>," said my Aunt, +"are you ill?" I shook my head; I could not speak, for I was just +enjoying an unusually subtle flavour. Then one of the guests, a member +of my Club, whispered to my aunt, and tapped his forehead. Then she +tapped her forehead, and all the guests tapped their foreheads. I had +finished that flavour, so I said, "My dear Aunt, I am not mad, I——" +"Then," said she, "you must be intoxicated. Leave the house!" And, with +the butler and the footmen escorting me to the street-door, I was +obliged to do so.</p> + +<p>It is all over. I know that my Aunt will bequeath her fortune to the +Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ancient Buildings among the +Jews, but I am consoled by the thought that I, at least, have followed +the noble teachings of the New Morality.</p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<blockquote> +<p>"<span class="smcap">When Found make a Note +of</span>."—By <span class="smcap">Captain Scuttle</span>, to British +East African Co.:—"Your Room is better than your +Company."</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> title of Mr. <span class="smcap">Conan +Doyle's</span> new book, <i>Adventures of Sherlock Holmes</i>, is +incomplete without the addition of, "And the D.D., or Dummy Doctor," who +plays a part in the narratives analogous to that of "Charles, his +Friend," on the stage. The book is, in many respects, a thriller, +reminding one somewhat of <i>The Diary of a Late Physician</i>, by +<span class="smcap">Samuel Warren</span>. This volume is handsomely got +up—too handsomely—and profusely, too profusely, illustrated. For both +romancer and reader, such stories are better un-illustrated. A +sensational picture attracts, and distracts. In this collection the +Baron can recommend <i>The Beryl Coronet</i>, <i>The Red-Headed +League</i>, <i>The Copper Beeches</i>, and <i>The Speckled Band</i>. The +best time for reading any one of these stories is the last thing at +night, before turning in. "At such an hour, try <i>The Speckled +Band</i>, and see how you like it," says the Bold Baron.</p> + +<p>The Baron's assistant dives into the Christmas Card Basket, and +produces <span class="smcap">Raphael Tuck and Sons</span>,—"Tuck," a +schoolword dear to "our boys,"—who lead off the Christmas dance. +Daintily and picturesquely got up, their Cards are quite full. Their +Watteau Screens will serve as small ornaments afterwards. These "Correct +Cards," with few exceptions, are not particularly for Christmas, but for +all time. Here's Luck To +<span class="smcap">Raphael Tuck</span>!</p> + +<p>"Todgers's could do it when it liked," and so can +Messrs. <span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span> & Co. at this Fairy Tale +time, when they bring out three capital books, edited +by <span class="smcap">Alfred H. Miles</span>; <i>i.e.</i>, <i>Fifty-two +Fairy Tales</i>, +<i>Fifty-two other Stories for Boys</i>, and <i>Fifty-two other Stories +for Girls</i>. Why not Fairy Tales for a holiday task, and an +examination in Fairy Lore, with a Fairy Lore Degree for the successful +candidate?</p> + +<p>Then come <span class="smcap">Blackie and Sons</span> with Plenty +from <span class="smcap">Henty</span>—Mr. <span class="smcap">G. A. +Henty</span>—who at Christmas-time is anything but a +"Non-Henty-ty." <i>Beric the Briton</i>, <i>In Greek +Waters</i>, <i>Condemned as a Nihilist!</i>—"Go +it, <span class="smcap">Henty</span>!" The Baron cheers you onward.</p> + +<div class="floatr" style="width:35%"> +<a href="images/269.png"> +<img src="images/269th.png" alt=""></a> +</div> + +<p><i>The Thirsty Sword</i>, by <span class="smcap">Robert +Leighton</span>. It's a killing story.</p> + +<p><i>An Old-Time Yarn</i>, by <span class="smcap">Edgar +Pickering</span>, about the adventures of +<span class="smcap">Drake and Hawkins</span>. <span class="smcap">Hawkins</span>, mariner, not Sir <span class="smcap">'Enry</span>, the Judge. New yarn. +Strong old salts—very refreshing.</p> + +<p><i>The Bull Calf</i>, brought out for <span class="smcap">John Bull +Junior's</span> amusement at Christmas, and seasonably illustrated +by <span class="smcap">Frost</span>, is a queer sort of animal of the +Two Macs Donkey breed. Right for <span class="smcap">Nimmo</span> to +have some fun at Christmas, according to old example, "<i>Nimmo +mortalium omnibus horis sapit.</i>"</p> + +<p>What's in a name? not the first time this question has been asked and +answered—but 'tis impossible for the Baron to avoid quoting it now, +when in consequence of its title, he was within an ace of putting aside +<i>The Germ Growers</i>, under the impression that it was a scientific +work on Bacillus and Phylloxera. On taking it up, however, the Baron +soon became deeply interested, but was subsequently annoyed to find how +the artful author had beguiled him by leading up to a kind of imitation +of the <i>In hoc Signo vinces</i> legend, and had somewhat adroitly +adapted to his purpose the imagery of one of the most poetic and sublime +of ancient Scripture narratives; <i>i.e.</i>, where the prophet sees the +chariots of Israel in the air. One remarkable thing about the romance is +the absence of "love-motive," and, indeed, the absence of all female +interest. Here and there the Canon writes carelessly, as instance the +following paragraph:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>"Then he got a little glass-tube into which he put something out of a +very small bottle, which he took from a number of others which lay side +by side in a little case which he took out of a pocket in the side of +the car."</p></blockquote> + +<p>Apart from other faults, there are too many "whiches" here, and +unlike his malignant hero, <i>Davoli</i>, the Canon doesn't seem to be +well up in his "which-craft." Clever +Canon <span class="smcap">Potter</span> must turn out from his Potteries +some ware superior to this for the public and</p> + +<p class="ralign smcap">The Baron.</p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Reflection in the Mist</span>.—You +could have "cut the fog, it was so thick," is a common expression. But +the fog, unwelcome as it always is, is not like an unwelcome +acquaintance, who can be "cut" or avoided by turning down a street, or +by pretending unconsciousness of his proximity.</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="short"> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Question for a Legal Exam</span>.—If +a farmer purchased a good milch cow reared at Dorking, what would be its +(old style) legal produce? <i>Answer or Rejoinder.</i>—Why, of course, +some sort of Surrey-butter.</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span></p> + +<div class="center"> +<a href="images/270.png"> +<img src="images/270th.png" alt=""> +</a> + +<h3>CULTCHAH!</h3> + +<p><i>Suburban Belle</i> (<i>to her Dressmaker</i>). +"<span class="smcap">And I should like a Medici Collar to my Tea-gown. +Do you understand? A Medici Collar—like that of the Venus de +Medici!</span>"</p> + +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER."</h2> + +<p class="subtitle"><span class="smcap">Davy +Jones</span>, <i>loquitur:</i>—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"<i>Fifteen men on the dead man's chest. Hey! ho! and a bottle of rum!"</i></span><br> +<span class="i0">Faith, that's a chorus I can rattle off with zest. Gratefully it + clatters upon <span class="smcap">Davy's</span> tym-pa-num,</span><br> +<span class="i0">Like a devil's tattoo from Death's drum! Fi! Fo! Fum! These be very + parlous times for old legends of the sea.</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Vanderdecken</span> is taboo'd, the Sea Sarpint is pooh-pooh'd, but 'tis plain + as any pikestaff they can't disestablish Me!</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Daddy Neptune</span> may delight in the Island trim and tight, where his + sea-dogs breed and fight, as in days of yore,</span><br> +<span class="i0">When old <span class="smcap">Charlie Dibdin's</span> fancy piped free songs of <span class="smcap">Jack</span> and <span class="smcap">Nancy</span>, of + Jolly Salts at sea, and Old Tarry-Breeks ashore;</span><br> +<span class="i0">But if Britons rule the waves, as the grog-fired sailor raves, when he + dreams of glorious graves in the deep dark main,</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Daddy Neptune</span> must allow <span class="smcap">Davy</span> shares his empire now, or the <i>Sultan</i> + and the <i>Howe</i> have gone down in vain.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Daddy Neptune</span> loves me not. Plumped by storm or by shot, my Locker held + a lot in the days gone by,</span><br> +<span class="i0">But 'tis daily growing fuller. Is the British Tar off colour, are the + sea-dogs slower, duller, though as game to die?</span><br> +<span class="i0">Has Science spoilt their skill, that their iron pots so fill my old + Locker? How I thrill at the lumbering crash,</span><br> +<span class="i0">When a-crunch upon a rock, with a thundering Titan shock, goes some + shapeless metal block, to immortal smash?</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Oh! it's real, rasping fun! Mighty hull, monster gun, all are mine ere + all's done; and the millions madly spent</span><br> +<span class="i0">On a lollopping wolloping kettle, with ten thousand tons of metal sink + as the Titans settle, turtle-turned, or wrenched and rent,</span><br> +<span class="i0">To my rocks and my ooze. I seem little like to lose by the "Progress" + some abuse, and the many crack up.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Ah! <span class="smcap">Neptune</span>, sour old lad, <span class="smcap">Davy Jones</span> may well look glad at the modern + Iron-clad, and thank <span class="smcap">Armstrong</span> and <span class="smcap">Krupp</span>!</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Science and Salvage? Fudge! If <i>I</i> am any judge, my sea-depths and salt + sludge will not lose by <i>them</i>.</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Nep</span> calls me callous mocker, but, according to <i>my</i> Cocker, I may laugh, + with a full Locker, whilst the fools condemn.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Think of daring the blue brine with a chart of the Eighty-Nine, and "a + regular goldmine" in one huge black hulk!</span><br> +<span class="i0">Whilst the lubbers stick to that, I shall flourish and grow fat like a + shark or ocean-rat, though old <span class="smcap">Nep</span> may sulk.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Demon-Sexton of the Deep! Ha! ha! Ho! ho! I keep my old office. Wives + may weep, and the taxpayers moan;</span><br> +<span class="i0">Let the grumblers make appeal to King Science! Lords of Steel, Iron + Chieftains, do ye feel when your victims groan?</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Davy Jones</span> is well content with that tribute ye have sent, with the + millions ye have spent just to glut his gorge;</span><br> +<span class="i0">He had seldom such a fill in the days of wood—and skill—constant + sea-fights, or the spill of the <i>Royal George</i>.</span><br> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Good old false last-century Chart! Though the conning may be smart, + and the steersman play his part, Palinurus-like,</span><br> +<span class="i0">Whilst they trust to your vain vellum, which is almost sure to sell + 'em, even <span class="smcap">Davy Jones</span> can tell 'em, they may sink or strike.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Hooray, King Death, hooray! Who says we've had our day! Pass the rum and + let's be gay. Not that "dead man's chest,"</span><br> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Robert Louis</span> grimly sings, like my "Locker Chorus" rings—mingling + weirdly wedded things—grisly doom and jest!</span><br> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>On an Irish Landlord.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"Love thou thy Land!" So sang the Laureate.</span><br> +<span class="i2">Were that sole Landlord duty, you'd fulfil it!</span><br> +<span class="i0">But land makes not a Land, nor soil a State.</span><br> +<span class="i2">Loving your land, how sullenly you hate—</span><br> +<span class="i4">The People—who've to till it!</span><br> +<span class="i0">Of the earth, earthy is that love of soil</span><br> +<span class="i0">Which for wide-acred wealth will sap and spoil</span><br> +<span class="i0">The souls and sinews of the thralls of Toil.</span><br> +<span class="i0">Churl! Bear a human heart, a liberal hand!</span><br> +<span class="i0"><i>Then</i> thou may'st say that thou dost "love thy Land."</span><br> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">When</span> a Stag has once been +uncarted, and has been given so many minutes law to get away, the +Huntsman may correctly allude to him as "The Deer +Departed."</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" id="page271"></a>[pg +271]</span></p> + +<div class="center"> + +<h3>"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER."</h3> +<a href="images/271.png"> +<img src="images/271th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<p><span class="smcap">Davy Jones.</span> "AHA! SO LONG AS THEY STICK TO +THEM OLD CHARTS, NO FEAR O' MY LOCKER BEIN' EMPTY!!"</p> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page272" id="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span></p> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span></p> + +<h2>RECONCILIATION.</h2> + +<p class="subtitle">(<i>Scene from that new Screaming Farce "The +Political Box and Cox."</i>)</p> + + +<p class="note">["Mr. GLADSTONE (says the <i>Daily Chronicle</i>) has +effected a formal reconciliation with the Member for Northampton. He +visited Mr. and Mrs. LABOUCHERE, took tea with them, and had a long and +very cordial interview. So far, indeed, as Mr. LABOUCHERE ever had any +personal feeling in reference to his exclusion from the Ministry, it may +be regarded as dead."]</p> + +<div class="floatr"> +<a href="images/273.png"> +<img src="images/273th.png" alt=""> +</a> +</div> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Although we are not destined to occupy the +same—ahem!—Cabinet Council Chamber—at present, I don't +see any necessity for our cutting each other's political throat, +Sir.</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly +object to.</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> And, after all, I've no violent animosity against +<i>you</i>, Sir.</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Nor have I any rooted antipathy to <i>you</i>. Sir.</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Besides, it was all—ahem!—Mrs.—ahem's fault, Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>embarrassed</i>). Well—ahem!—my—er—loyalty—as a +man of honour—to—er—that lady, Sir, forbids, Sir, my saying, +or—er—permitting to be said——</p> + +<p>[<i>Gradually approaching chairs.</i></p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Ah, exactly, I <i>quite</i> understand that. The truth +is——</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>quickly</i>). A most excellent thing, in its way. I +always see it.</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Very well, Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Very well, Sir! [<i>Pause.</i></p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Take a little jam, Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Thank you, Sir!</p> + +<p> [<i>Taking a spoonful. Pause.</i></p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Do you sing, Sir?</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>modestly</i>). I have, in days gone by, done a little +Negro Minstrelsy.</p> + +<p> +<i>Box.</i> Then give us a breakdown. <i>(Pause.)</i> Well, well, +perhaps the suggestion's a little inopportune. What is your opinion of +smoking, Sir? [<i>Produces cigarette.</i> +</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>tartly</i>). I think it is a pestilent practice, +Sir!</p> + +<p><i>Box</i> (<i>puffing</i>). So do some other singular people, Sir. +To be sure, they may not so much object to it if the pipes are not +loaded.</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> No—I daresay that <i>does</i> make some difference.</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> And yet, Sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you, +as rather a waste of time, for people to keep puffing away at pipes (or +Programmes) with nothing in 'em?</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>drily</i>). No, Sir—not more than any other harmless +recreation—such, for instance, as posing as a Party leader, without any +Party.</p> + +<p><i>Box</i> (<i>aside</i>). Some of his own Party may be found a bit +shaky. Next time I invite him, it may be to tea—and turn-out!</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>aside</i>). Let him put <i>that</i> in his pipe (or +cigarette) and smoke it!</p> + +<p><i>Box</i> (<i>aloud</i>). Well, well, now we so thoroughly +understand each other, what—even Programmes—shall part us?</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Who—even—ahem! a certain Party, shall tear us +asunder?</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> <span class="smcap">Cox!</span></p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> <span class="smcap">Box!</span></p> + +<p class="center"> [<i>About to +embrace.</i> <span class="smcap">Box</span> <i>stops, +seizes</i> <span class="smcap">Cox's</span> +<i>hand, and looks eagerly in his face.</i></p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark, but +the more I gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced that you'd +never be such a suicidal idiot as to—seek another Chamber?</p> + +<p><i>Cox</i> (<i>winking</i>). Walker!</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Ah—tell me—in mercy tell me—have you such a thing as +the "Strawberry Leaves" in your eye?</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> No!</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Then we <i>are</i> brothers!</p> + +<p class="ralign">[<i>They rush into each other's arms.</i></p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Of course, we stop where we are?</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Of course!</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> For between you and me, I'm rather partial to the +House.</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> So am I—I feel quite at home in it.</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> Everything so clean and comfortable!</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> And I'm sure its Mistress, Mrs.—ahem!—from what +little <i>I've</i> seen of her, is very anxious to do her best.</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> So she is—and I vote, <span class="smcap">Box</span>, +that we stand by her!</p> + +<p><i>Box.</i> Agreed! (<i>winks.</i>) There's my hand upon it—join but +yours—agree that the House is big enough to hold us both, then +<span class="smcap">Box</span>——</p> + +<p><i>Cox.</i> And <span class="smcap">Cox</span>——</p> + +<p><i>Both.</i> Are satisfied!</p> +<p class="ralign">[<i>Curtain.</i></p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>FACT, OR FUNK?</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Sir,</span>—Will you permit me to protest +against the shocking insecurity of life and property in London? What are +the Police doing? Only yesterday I was walking, <i>in the middle of the +day</i>, in a rather quiet road in this suburb, when a <i>highway +robber</i>, disguised as an ordinary beggar, asked me for a copper! His +look was <i>most forbidding</i>, and he put his hand under his coat in a +way that convinced me he was about to <i>draw a revolver</i>! I at once +gave him my purse, with half-a-crown in it, which seemed to pacify him, +and I am convinced that I owe my life to my <i>presence of mind</i>. The +shock, however, has quite prostrated me, and my medical adviser has +already paid me <i>three visits</i>, on the strength of it, and says I +need "careful watching for some time." He has very kindly put off a +holiday, in order to watch me, which is sufficient to prove what +a <i>diabolical outrage</i> I have been the victim of!</p> + +<p class="ralign">Yours, indignantly,</p> + +<p class="ralign"><i>Cozynook, Sydenham.</i> <span class="smcap">Tabitha +Grundy.</span></p> + +<hr class="short"> +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Punch,</span>—We are coming to a +really awful state of things in the Strand! A friend of mine (who does +not wish his name mentioned) assures me that he was proceeding from the +Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been lunching, towards Charing Cross, +when he was "attacked by <span class="smcap">Vertigo</span>" in broad +day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like this +VERTIGO—who from his name must be an Italian—are permitted +to plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our +Police Force and save the expense, the better.</p> + +<p class="ralign"><span class="smcap">No Alarmist.</span></p> + +<hr class="short"> +<p><span class="smcap">Dear Ed'tor</span>,—I write you a line to +say I've jus' been 'sulted—grossly 'sulted—on Thames +'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long—quite shober—sud'ly 'costed by man +dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters about"—took hold +of my arm—wanted see me into cab. <i>I saw through him at +once.</i> It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch—forshately lef' +watch home. Angry at not findin' watch—bundled me into cab +anyhow—feel 'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull +citizens to be 'sulted by pleece—by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? +It's all true 'bout Lunn' bein' <i>most</i> unsafe. Norra word' of +'xagg'ration! <i>Cre' 'xperto.</i> Thash Latin!—<i>Shows</i> I'm +spekbull. No more now! He'ache.</p> + +<p class="ralign">Yours, <span class="smcap">Rum Punch.</span></p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h3>Sir Gerald Portal.</h3> + + +<div class="poem"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Of</span> Afric's districts C. and E.,</span><br> +<span class="i2">'Tis clear to any mortal,</span><br> +<span class="i0">We've but to keep our Afric key,</span><br> +<span class="i2">And enter by our <span class="smcap">Portal.</span></span><br> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<p> +<span class="smcap">The</span> following mysterious advertisement is cut +from the <i>Grantham Journal:</i>—</p> + +<blockquote><p>WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years old, +suitable for Building work, about 16 hands.—Address, +&c. </p></blockquote> + +<p>Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the +sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up!</p> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span></p> + +<h2>THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC.</h2> + +<p class="subtitle">(<i>By Our Own Prophetic Reporter.</i>)</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">A few</span> days since a "Grand Intellectual +<i>F๊te</i>" was given by the Flower League in advancement of the +Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke of <span +class="smcap">Ditchwater</span>. The Railway Companies afforded unusual +facilities for securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm +amongst those who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions +arrived at during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was +arranged that some one competent to undertake the task should introduce +and explain the various distractions afforded for the entertainment of +the very numerous company. Mr. A. <span class="smcap">Briefless</span>, +<span class="smcap">Junior</span>, Barrister, of London, kindly +consented to act as lecturer, his professional engagements fortunately +allowing him leisure to assume such a responsibility.</p> + +<p>The Lecturer said that he was delighted to see so large a gathering. +(<i>Cheers.</i>) They quite reminded him of the clients who thronged his +passage on the first day of Term, waiting for his chamber doors to open. +(<i>Laughter.</i>) There was nothing in the remark he had just made to +provoke merriment. He wished it to be clearly understood that he +appealed to their reason. (<i>Cheers.</i>) It had been objected that +some of the entertainments given at what had been called political +pic-nics had nothing to do with the reasoning faculties of the +spectators. This he emphatically denied. (<i>Applause.</i>) Without +wasting further of their time—(<i>"No, no!" "Go on."</i>)—he would +come to his first illustration—the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia. +(<i>Great cheering.</i>) It was advisable that the bodies as well as the +minds of children educated by the School-Boards should receive +attention. Their bodies should be brought to as near perfection as +possible; every muscle should be brought into play. To explain his +meaning, he called upon the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia to illustrate +the poetry of motion.</p> + +<p>Upon this, five gentlemen in tights (understood to be the athletic +kindred to whom the Lecturer had referred) performed a series of feats +of strength, which included standing on one another's heads, jumping +through hoops, and turning quadruple somersaults.</p> + +<p>After their performances were over Mr. <span +class="smcap">Briefless</span> resumed.</p> + +<p>The Lecturer said: He next wished to appeal to their reason—to +challenge, so to speak, their senses on the power of foreign opinion. It +was asserted that an Englishman cared only for his native land and the +Press appertaining thereto. Now he (the Lecturer) had the greatest +respect for the English Press—(<i>cheers</i>)—still he found that some +of our foreign contemporaries were nearly as good. (<i>"Hear, +hear!"</i>) He wished to introduce the Signora <span +class="smcap">Mantilla</span> from Spain—(<i>applause</i>)—who had +consented to sing a political song in Spanish, emphasizing her opinions +by a dance after each verse. (<i>Great cheering.</i>) The Signora <span +class="smcap">Mantilla</span> then gave a demonstration, which was much +appreciated.</p> + +<p>The Lecturer resumed. He said he had not insulted their intelligence +by asking them if they understood Spanish. Of course, they did. (<i>Loud +laughter.</i>) He was quite sure that the Signora's third verse and +accompanying dance must have convinced everyone of the advantages of +Fair Trade. (<i>Laughter.</i>) He saw no reason for merriment. +(<i>Renewed laughter.</i>) He had now come to that important subject +Bi-metallism. (<i>Cheers.</i>) They had been told that whereas speech +was silver, silence was golden. (<i>"Hear, hear!"</i>) To show the +advantage of silver (represented by speech), the Blue-eyed Nigger would +give a native song accompanied on his own banjo. (<i>Loud +applause.</i>)</p> + +<p>The Blue-eyed Nigger then favoured the company with one of his +characteristic ditties.</p> + +<p>The Lecturer said he had now to thank his audience for their kind +attention, and to inform them that the display of fireworks with +set-pieces containing political sentiments appealing to their reason, +would take place immediately.</p> + +<p>Shortly afterwards the company separated, greatly pleased with the +rational entertainment they had been invited to enjoy.</p> + +<hr class="half"> + +<div class="center"> +<a href="images/274.png"> +<img src="images/274th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<h3>MILITARY EDUCATION.</h3> + +<p><i>General.</i> "<span class="smcap">Mr. de Bridoon, what is the +general use of Cavalry in modern warfare?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Mr. de Bridoon.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, I suppose to give +Tone to what would otherwise be a mere Vulgar Brawl!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH.</h2> + +<p class="subtitle">(Being a Parisian Parliamentary Procedure as "She +Might be Spoke in England.")</p> + +<p>SCENE—The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in +attendance, excited Members regarding them with derision.</p> + +<p><i>First Member.</i> I claim the word, Mr. Speaker. I would ask +Esquire Harcourt, does he propose to make his Budget popular?</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>"Very well! very well!" from the +Conservatives.</i></p> + +<p><i>Esquire Harcourt.</i> I tell the Hon. Gentleman that by such a +question he insults the world! (<i>Cheers.</i>) Nay, he insults +England!</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>Loud applause, in which all join.</i></p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Still, you have not +answered my question. Is your Budget to be popular?</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>Murmurs.</i></p> + +<p><i>Esquire Har.</i> (<i>with spirit</i>). I consider such a question +twice repeated an infamy!</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>Enthusiastic cheering.</i></p> + +<p><i>Second Mem.</i> Then it is you who are infamous!</p> + +<p class="ralign"> [<i>Uproar.</i></p> + +<p><i>The Speaker.</i> Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on +my hat—do not cause me to suspend the sitting.</p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> Surely a civil question deserves a civil +answer?</p> + +<p><i>Esquire Harcourt.</i> Not in a nation that has bled on the field +of battle.</p> +<p class="ralign">[<i>Roars of applause.</i></p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). And yet what I required to +know was reasonable. I wished to know whether Esquire Harcourt proposed +to name a popular Budget?</p> + +<p><i>Esquire Harcourt.</i> He repeats the calumny!</p> +<p class="ralign">[<i>Uproar.</i></p> + +<p><i>First Mem.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). But is there no reply? I +would ask Sir Gladstone—is there no reply?</p> + +<p><i>Sir Gladstone</i> (<i>springing to his feet</i>). It is for the +honour of England! (<i>Immense enthusiasm.</i>) And now, Sir, you are +answered!</p> + +<p class="center">[Roars of applause. Scene closes in upon Ministers +receiving the hand-shakes of supporters and opponents.</p> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span></p> + +<div class="center" style="width:100%"> +<a href="images/275.png"> +<img src="images/275th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<h3>SPORT AS A MATTER OF COURSE-ING.</h3> +</div> + +<hr class="long"> +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span></p> + +<div class="center" style="width:100%"> +<a href="images/276.png"> +<img src="images/276th.png" alt=""> +</a> +<h3>LADIES IN THE HUNTING FIELD.</h3> + +<p class="smcap">It is The Opinion of Mr. Phunkie "that the Fair Sex is +all very well at the Covert Side, and he has no objection to a little +quiet Flirtation there; but if a Man is expected to go hanging round a +Girl when Hounds are running, the thing is apt to become a dooce of a +Nuisance!"</p> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE.</h2> + +<blockquote class="note"><p>["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at +Westminster Police Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving +for each pair of trousers 8¼<i>d.</i>, and for each flannel-belt, +rather less than one penny."—<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">O England</span>, you boast of your warrior sons,</span><br> +<span class="i2">Your history tells of them, fearless in strife,</span><br> +<span class="i0">How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns,</span><br> +<span class="i2">So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life!</span><br> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You honour them rightly, but do not forget</span><br> +<span class="i2">That economy pleases the voters as well;</span><br> +<span class="i0">Each penny reduces the National Debt;</span><br> +<span class="i2">Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell.</span><br> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You could not escape paying pounds to the men</span><br> +<span class="i2">Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied</span><br> +<span class="i0">In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then!</span><br> +<span class="i2">Remember pence saved, not your children who died!</span><br> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex</span><br> +<span class="i2">A skilful economist. This can be met.</span><br> +<span class="i0">You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex;</span><br> +<span class="i2">If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get!</span><br> +</div> +<div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Then lavish your honours, your wealth, on the brave,</span><br> +<span class="i2">If you did not, perhaps, scarce a man would enlist;</span><br> +<span class="i0">But forget not the gain of each penny you save,</span><br> +<span class="i2">And starve these poor Women—they cannot resist.</span><br> +</div> +</div> + +<hr class="half"> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap"><i>Pears'</i></span> <i>Christmas +Number</i>—what it ought to be:—A new edition of "<i>His Soap's +Fables</i>."</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="short"> + +<blockquote> +<p><span class="smcap">The Real Enemy to "The Big Loaf"</span> +(According to <span class="smcap">John Burns</span>).—The Big Loafer. +</p> +</blockquote> + +<hr class="half"> + +<h2>QUEER QUERIES.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">National Art-Treasures.</span>—I see that +objections are being made to Millbank as a suitable site for the Picture +Gallery which Mr. <span class="smcap">Tate</span> has so generously +offered to the nation. May I ask whether the advantages of the Isle of +Dogs have ever been considered? The position being right out of the way +of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the river-fog +district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures by damp, +its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate our +Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the +Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the +neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to +dealing with the precipitation of sludge. Perhaps some Art-lover would +reply.</p> + +<p class="ralign smcap">Citizen of a Rather Mean City.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Householder's Difficulties.</span>—Could some +practical Correspondent advise us as to what would be the best course to +pursue under the following awkward circumstances? I live in a house in a +newly-constructed terrace, with very thin party-walls. The tenant on one +side has just set up a private establishment for the reception of the +most thoroughly incurable class of maniacs, while on the other side is a +family who make their living by piano, violin, and cornet performances, +at private houses. I have asked the landlord to abate the nuisance by +adding another brick to the thickness of the walls on each side; but he +writes to me, giving his address at the Bankruptcy Court, to explain +that the houses are not so constructed as to bear the extra weight, +which I think very probable. I would apply for an injunction against the +Maniacs, were it not that their howlings are sometimes useful in +drowning the sound of the constant practising on the piano. Would it be +wise to retaliate by dropping bricks at midnight down my neighbours' +chimneys? What is the least term of Penal Servitude that I could get if +I hired some of the Unemployed to break into the musical house and smash +up the instruments? If I went as a Deputation on the subject to Mr. +<span class="smcap">Asquith</span>, should I be likely to be cordially +received?</p> + +<p class="ralign smcap">Tortured Tenant.</p> + +<hr class="half"> + + +<p class="note"> NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +103, December 10, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20759-h.htm or 20759-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/5/20759/ + +Produced by V. L. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 103, December 10, 1892 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: March 7, 2007 [EBook #20759] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by V. L. Simpson, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 103 + + + +December 10, 1892. + + + + +CONVERSATIONAL HINTS FOR YOUNG SHOOTERS. + +The Smoking-Room (_continued_). + +I MAY assume, that after the terrible example given in my last chapter, +you have firmly made up your mind never on any account to take service +in the great army of bores. But this determination is not all that is +necessary. A man must constantly keep a strict guard on himself, lest he +should unconsciously deviate even for a few minutes into the regions of +boredom. Whatever you do, let nothing tempt you to relate more than once +any grievance you may have. Nothing of course is more poisonous to the +aggrieved one than to stifle his grievance absolutely. Once, and once +only, he may produce it to his friends. I shall be blamed, perhaps, for +making even this slight concession. Please be careful, therefore, not to +abuse it. Is there in the whole world a more ridiculous sight than a +strong, healthy, well-fed sportsman who wearies his companions one after +another with the depressing recital of his ill-luck, or of the dastardly +behaviour of the head-keeper in not stopping the whole party for half an +hour to search for an imaginary bird, which is supposed to have fallen +stone-dead somewhere or other; or of the iniquities of the man from whom +he bought his cartridges in not loading them with the right charge; or +any of the hundred inconveniences and injuries to which sportsmen are +liable. All these things may be as he says they are. He may be the most +unfortunate, the most unjustly treated of mankind. But why insist upon +it? Why check the current of sympathy by the dam of constant repetition? +And, after all, how trivial and absurd the whole thing is! Even a man +whose career has been ruined by malicious persecution will be avoided +like a pest if it is known that he dins the account of his wrongs into +everyone's ears. How, then, shall the sufferer by the petty injuries of +ordinary sport be listened to with patience? Of all bores, the +grievancemonger is the fiercest and worst. Lay this great truth by in +your memory, and be mindful of it in more important matters than sport +when the occasion arises. + + [Illustration] + +I have been asked to say, whether a man may abuse his gun? I reply +emphatically, no. A gun is not a mere ordinary machine. Its beautiful +arrangement of locks, and springs, and catches, and bolts, and pins, and +screws, its unaccountable perversities, its occasional fits of +sulkiness, its lovely brown complexion, and its capacity both for +kicking and for smoking, all prove that a gun is in reality a sentient +being of a very high order of intelligence. You may be quite certain +that if you abuse your gun, even when you may imagine it to be far out +of earshot, comfortably cleaned and put to roost on its rack, your gun +will resent it. Why are most sportsmen so silent, so _distraits_ at +breakfast? Why do they dally with a scrap of fish, and linger over the +consumption of a small kidney, and drink great draughts of tea to +restore their equilibrium? If you ask them, they will tell you that it's +because they're "just a bit chippy," owing to sitting up late, or +smoking too much, or forgetting to drink a whiskey and soda before they +went to bed. I know better. It is because they incautiously spoke evil +of their guns, and their guns retaliated by haunting their sleep. I +_know_ guns have this power of projecting horrible emanations of +themselves into the slumbers of sportsmen who have not treated them as +they deserved. I have suffered from it myself. It was only last week +that, having said something derogatory to the dignity of my second gun, +I woke with a start at two o'clock in the morning, and found its wraith +going through the most horrible antics in a patch of moonlight on my +bed-room floor. I shot with that gun on the following day, and missed +nearly everything I shot at. Could there be a more convincing proof? +Take my advice, therefore, and abstain from abusing your gun. + +Now your typical smoking-room conversation ought always to include the +following subjects:--(1) The wrong-headed, unpopular man, whom every +district possesses, and who is always at loggerheads with somebody; (2) +"The best shot in England," who is to be found in every country-side, +and in whose achievements all the sportsmen of his particular district +take a patriotic pride; (3) the folly and wickedness of those who talk +or write ignorantly against any kind of sport; (4) the deficiency of +hares due to the rascally provisions of the Hares and Rabbits Act; (5) a +few reminiscences, slightly glorified, of the particular day's sport; +and (6) a prolonged argument on the relative merits of the old plan of +shooting birds over dogs, and the modern methods of walking them up or +driving. These are not the only, but certainly the chief ingredients. +Let me give you an example, drawn from my note-book. + +SCENE--_The Smoking-room of a Country-house in December. Six Sportsmen +in Smoking-coats. Time_, 11.15 P.M. + +_First Sportsman_ (_concluding a harangue_). All I can say is, I never +read such rot in all my life. Why, the fellow doesn't know a gun from a +cartridge-bag. I'm perfectly sick of reading that everlasting rubbish +about "pampered minions of the aristocracy slaughtering the unresisting +pheasant in his thousands at battues." I wonder what the beggars imagine +a rocketing pheasant is like? I should like to have seen one of 'em +outside Chivy Wood to-day. I never saw taller birds in my life. Talk of +_them_ being easy! Why, a pheasant gets ever so much more show for his +money when he's beaten over the guns. If they simply walk him up, he +hasn't got a thousand to one chance. Bah! + + [_Drinks from a long glass._ + +_Second Sportsman._ I saw in some paper the other day what the President +of the United States thought about English battue-shooting. Seemed to +think we shot pheasants perched in the trees, and went on to say that +wasn't the sport for _him; he_ liked to go after his game, and find it +for himself. Who the deuce cares if he does? If he can't talk better +sense than that, no wonder CLEVELAND beat him in the election. + +_Third Sp._ Pure rubbish, of course. Still I must say, apart from +pheasants, I like the old plan of letting your dogs work. It's far more +sport than walking up partridges in line, or getting them driven at you. + +_First Sp._ My dear fellow, I don't agree with you a bit. In the first +place, as to driving--driven birds are fifty times more difficult; and +what's the use of wasting time with setters or pointers in ordinary +root-fields. It's all sentiment. + + [A long and animated discussion ensues. This particular + subject never fails to provoke a tremendous argument. + + (_A few minutes later._) + +_Second Sp._ (_to the host_). What was the bag to-day, CHALMERS? + +_Chalmers._ A hundred and forty-five pheasants, fifty-six rabbits, +eleven hares, three pigeons, and a woodcock. We should have got a +hundred and eighty pheasants if they hadn't dodged us in the big wood. I +can't make out where they went. + +_Second Sp._ It's a deuced difficult wood to beat, that is. I thought we +should have got more hares, all the same. + +_Chalmers._ Hares! I think I'm precious lucky to get so many nowadays. +There won't be a hare left in a year or two. + + (_The discussion proceeds._) + +_Third Sp._ How's old JOHNNY RAIKES shooting this year? I never saw such +a chap for rocketers. They can't escape him. + +_Chalmers._ I asked him to-day, but he couldn't come. I think for +pheasants he's quite the best shot in England. Nobody can beat him at +that game. + +_Fourth Sp._ Hasn't he got some row or other on with =Crackside=? + +_Chalmers._ Yes. That makes fourteen rows =Crackside= has got going on +all at once. He seems to revel in them. His latest move was to refuse to +pay tithe, and when the parson levied a distress, he made all his +tenants drunk and walked at their head blowing a post-horn. He's as mad +as a hatter. + +So there you have a sample conversation, sketched in outline. You will +find it accurate enough. All you have to do is to select for yourself +the part you mean to play in it. + + * * * * * + +Something to Live For. + +(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) + + _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in + order to write My Reminiscences? + + _Amicus._ Ah, but remember, "_De mortuis nil nisi + bonum._" + + _Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but + exceedingly good stories about them. + + * * * * * + + SO LIKE HER!--"I can never trust him," said Mrs. R., + alluding to a friend of hers, who considered himself + well up in SHAKSPEARE, "because I've found out before + now that he gargles his quotations." + + NOTE.--"The Man who Would," _will_ appear next week. No. IV. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =THE RHODES COLOSSUS= + + STRIDING FROM CAPE TOWN TO CAIRO.] + + * * * * * + +THE RHODES COLOSSUS. + + ["Mr. RHODES announced that it was his intention, either + with the help of his friends or by himself, to continue + the telegraph northwards, across the Zambesi, through + Nyassaland, and along Lake Tanganyika to Uganda. Nor is + this all.... This colossal _Monte Cristo_ means to cross + the Soudan ... and to complete the overland telegraph + line from Cape Town to Cairo; that is, from England to + the whole of her possessions or colonies, or 'spheres of + influence' in Africa."--_The Times._] + + + THE World's Seven Wonders are surely outshone! + On Marvel World's billows 'twill toss us--'twill toss us, + To watch him, Director and Statesman in one, + This Seven-League-Booted Colossus--Colossus! + Combining in one supernatural blend + Plain Commerce and Imagination--gination; + O'er Africa striding from dark end to end, + To forward black emancipation--cipation. + + Brobdingnagian Bagman, big Dreamer of Dreams. + A Titan of tact and shrewd trader--shrewd trader! + A diplomat full of _finesse_ and sharp schemes, + With a touch of the pious Crusader--Crusader! + A "Dealer" with despots, a "Squarer" of Kings, + A jumper of mountain, lake, wilderness, wady, + And manager 'cute of such troublesome things + As LOBENGULA or the MAHDI--the MAHDI. + + Well may ABERCORN wonder and FIFE tootle praise, + His two thousand hearers raise cheering--raise cheering. + Of wild would-be Scuttlers he proves the mad craze, + And of Governments prone to small-beering--small-beering. + Sullen Boers may prove bores to a man of less tact, + A duffer funk wiles Portuguesy--tuguesy; + But Dutchmen, black potentates, all sorts, in fact, + To RHODES the astute come quite easy--quite easy. + + The British South-African Company's shares + _May_ be at a discount--(Trade-martyrs!--trade-martyrs!)-- + But he, our Colossus, strides on, he declares, + Whether with or without chums or charters--or charters. + Hooray! We brave Britons are still to the front-- + Provided we've someone to boss us--to boss us; + And Scuttlers will have their work cut out to shunt + This stalwart, far-striding Colossus--Colossus! + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =A HEARTY WELCOME.= + + _Local Flyman_ (_who also officiates at Funerals_). + "Mornin', Sir. Glad to see you out again! Really thought + I should 'a' had the honor of drivin' you to the + cemetery, Sir!"] + + * * * * * + +TAXES. A HOARDING AND SAVING CLAUSE.--_A propos_ of an article in the +_Times_ on this subject, and a paragraph of _Mr. Punch's_, last week, +anent "Hoardings," we may now put a supplementary question in this form, +"As Government taxes _Savings_, would it not be quite consistent to tax +_Hoardings_?" Since the answer must, logically, be in the affirmative, +let Government begin at once with all the Hoardings displaying any kind +of hideous pictorial advertisement. + + * * * * * + +"HE rumbles so in his conversation," observed Mrs. R. of an orator whose +sentences were considerably involved, "that I can seldom catch the grist +of what he says." + + * * * * * + +PRACTICAL THEOSOPHY. + +MRS. BESANT is said to have told a representative of a daily paper, that +"an adept in Theosophy uses his supernatural powers solely for his own +convenience, just as ordinary people avail themselves of a messenger, or +the telephone or telegraph." + +We have it on the very best of authority that the discharge of handbills +from aerial bombs is to be entirely surpassed as a method for +advertising a commodity, by a new and protected process. + +"A Company is being formed," so runs the prospectus, "for the express +purpose of importing Mahatmas of the very best vintage (guaranteed +_extra sec_), direct from Thibet, where an exceptionally luxuriant crop +has been produced during past years. + +"They will be shipped to any port in the United Kingdom, and delivered +to any address, carriage free, at prices which will compare most +favourably with those quoted by foreign firms for inferior articles. + +"The trade supplied by special contract. + +"They will prove invaluable to advertisers and others. + +"No family should be without one. Order early. + +"They can be used for a variety of purposes; but they will be found most +particularly serviceable for distributing handbills and posters, +especially in inaccessible places. + +"_Domestic servants entirely superseded by them._ + +"Prompt and accurate delivery of any object may be effected by their +agency, owing to their marvellous powers of precipitation. + +"Full instructions for working, and instruments for repairing, supplied +with each specimen. + +"Not liable to get out of order. + +"Safe in the hands of a child. Yet they are not toys. + +"Procurable of any respectable Lunatic Asylum. + +"Ask for Our Brand, and see that you get none other. + +"Beware of worthless foreign imitations, which dishonest dealers will +try to foist upon you. + + + "Of Mahatmas young, and Mahatmas old, + Of Mahatmas meek, and Mahatmas bold, + Of Mahatmas gentle, and Mahatmas rough, + We lay long odds that we'll sell enough." + + +The financial column of the Journal of the Future, we may expect, will +read somewhat as follows:--"Mahatmas opened weak, but slowly advanced a +third. Later they became stronger, and closed firm at 8-1/4. +Latest--Mahatmas fell rapidly." + +_Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis._ + + * * * * * + +CHARITY BEGINS ABROAD.--The following advertisement (which recently +appeared in the _Times_) has been sent for solution:-- + + GENTLEMAN, with knowledge of business and disposing of + 100,000 francs, is desirous of REPRESENTING, either in + Europe, Africa, America, or elsewhere, a serious FIRM, + capable of giving important profits. Offers to be + addressed, &c. + +In reply to this appeal, _Mr. Punch_ begs to say that "the gentleman +with knowledge of business" seems to be anxious to act as an _alter ego_ +to a serious (not a jocular) firm "capable of giving profits." +"GENTLEMAN" does not specify whose profits the serious firm is capable +of giving, and thus it may be presumed that the 100,000 francs would +form the capital with which the charitable transaction would be +conducted. This is the more probable as "GENTLEMAN" says he knows how to +dispose of them. + + * * * * * + +ALL ROUND THE FAIR. + +No. IV. + +The Irish Giant Baby "At Home." + + The exterior of the Show is painted to represent a + Cottage, and bears the highly improbable name of "Polly + O'Gracious," with an even less credible announcement + that this is the identical "little cot where she was + born." Inside is an ordinary tent, with a rough platform + at the further end, whereon is an empty chair, at which + a group of small Boys, two or three young Women, and + some middle-aged Farm-labourers, have been solemnly and + patiently staring for the last quarter of an hour. + +_First Farm Labourer_ (_to Second_). I bin in 'ere 'bout erf an hour, I +hev, and ain't seed nowt so fur! + +_Second F. L._ Same 'ere! Seems to take 'em a proper good time a-gittin' +o' this 'ere baby claned up! + +_First F. L._ Ah, it do. But look at the _size_ on her! + +_Second F. L._ Size! They cudn't be no slower not with a hellyphant! + + [The tedium is relieved by a very audible dispute + outside between the Driver of the Baby's Caravan and the + Wife of the Conjuror next door, who appears to have + excited the Driver's displeasure by consenting to take + the money in the absence of the Baby's proprietress. + +_The Driver_ (_with dignity_). I consider it a bloomin' liberty, and a +downright piece of himpertinence, you comin' 'ere interferin' with with +my business--and so I tell yer! + +_The Lady_ (_with more dignity_). I'm not taking no liberties with +nobody--she ast me to it, or I shoudn't _be_ 'ere--_I_ don't want to +take the money, not without bein' ast to do so. She come and ast me to +take her place while she was away, and in course _I_ wasn't goin' to say +no. + +_Driver._ Don't you tork to me. I know what _you_ are, puttin' yerself +forward whenever yer can--a goin' tellin' the people on the road as you +was the Baby's mother! + +_The Lady._ I never said no such thing! Why should I want to tell sech a +story for? + +_Driver._ Arsk yourself--not me. And p'raps you never said you 'ad +valuable property in our waggin' neither. + +_Lady_ (_apparently cut to the heart by this accusation_). It's a +false'ood! I never 'ad no valuable property in your waggin', nor yet +nobody else's; and I'll thank you to keep your distance, and not go +raggin' me. + +_Driver_ (_edging nearer_), I'll keep _my_ distance. But don't you make +no mistake--I'm not to be _played_ with! I'm sick o' your goin's on. And +then(_reviving a rankling and mysterious grievance_) to think o' you a +comin' mincin' up on the road with yer(_mimicking_), "Oh, yus, Mrs. +FAIRCHILD, there's a blacksmith jest across the way!" What call 'ad you +got to shove _your_ nose in like that, eh? you're a interferin' cat, +that's what _you_ are! + + [The Conjuror's Lady is moved to the verge of tears and + assault, and her wrath is only assuaged by the arrival + of the missing Proprietress, who patches up a temporary + peace; presently the hangings at the back are parted, + and an immensely stout child, dressed in an infant's + frock, waddles in, hoists herself on the platform and + into the chair, from which she regards the Spectators + with stolid composure; the small boys edge back, nudge + one another and snigger furtively; the girls say "Oh, + lor!" in a whisper, and a painful silence follows. + +_A Middle-aged Labourer_ (_feeling the awkwardness of the situation_). +'Ow old may you be, Missy? + +_The Giant Baby_ (_with a snap_). Ten! + + [She gazes all round with the hauteur peculiar to a + phenomenon, and her visitors are only relieved from the + strain by the timely appearance of the Exhibitor, a + Mulatto lady, who gives a brief biographical sketch of + the Infant's career, with details of her weight and + measurements. Then Miss POLLY sings a stanza + of "Little Annie Rooney" in a phonographic manner, + dances a few ponderous steps, and identifies the most + sheepish youth in the audience--much to his + embarrassment--as her sweetheart, after which her + audience is permitted to shake hands with her and + depart. + + * * * * * + +A Prize Lottery. + + A Young Man in a light suit, and a paste pin in a dirty + white necktie, has arrived with a chest, from which he + extracts a quantity of small parcels in coloured + tissue-paper. + +_The Young Man_ (_as a group collects around him_). Now, I'm 'ere to +orfer those among yer who 'ave the courage to embark in speckilation an +unrivalled opportunity of enriching themselves at next to no expense. +Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' more or less +value, amongst them bein', I may tell yer, two 'undred threepenny +pieces, not to mention 'igher coins up to 'arf a sov'rin. Mind, I +promise nothing--I only say this: that those who show confidence in me +I'll reward beyond their utmost expectations.( _To an_ Agricultural +Labourer _in the circle._) 'Ere, you Sir, 'ave you ever seen me before +in all your life? + + [Illustration: + "Concealed in each o' these small porcels is a prize o' + more or less value."] + +_The Agricultural Labourer_ (_with a conscientious fear of committing +himself_). I _may_ 'ave. + +_The Young Man._ You _may_ 'ave! '_Ave_ you? 'Ave _I_ ever seen _you_? +Come now! + +_The Agr. L._ (_cautiously_). I carn't answer fur what you've _seen_, +Sir. + +_The Y. M._ Well, are you a friend o' mine? + +_The A. L._ (_after inward searchings_). Not as I'm aweer on. + +_The Y. M._ Then take this packet.(_The_ A. L. _grins and hesitates._) +Give me a penny for it.(_The_ A. L. _hangs back._) Do as I _say_! (_His +tone is so peremptory that the_ A. L. _hastens to obey._) Now don't open +that till I tell you, and don't go away--or I shall throw the money +after yer. (_The_ A. L. _remains in meek expectation;_ Old Billy +Fairplay, _and a_ Spotty-faced Man, _happen to pass; and join the group +out of innocent curiosity._) Will _you_ give me a penny for this, Sir? +(_To the Spotty-faced One, who shakes his head._) To oblige Me! (_This +is said in such an insinuating tone, that it is impossible to resist +him._) Now you've shown your confidence in me, will you open that packet +and show the company what it contains. + +_The Spotty-faced Man_ (_undoing the packet_). There's nothink inside o' +mine--it's a reg'lar do! + + [_Roars of laughter._ + +_The Y. M._ Quite right--there _was_ nothink inside o' thet partickler +packet. I put it there a-purpose, as a test. But I don't want nobody to +go away dissatisfied with my manner o' doin' business, and, though I +ain't promised yer nothing, I'll show yer I'm better than my word, and +them as trusts me'll find no reason to repent of 'aving done so. 'Ere's +your original penny back, Sir, and one, two, _three_ more atop of +that--wait, I ain't done with yer yet--'ere's sixpence more, because +I've took a fancy to yer face--and _now_ I 'ope you're satisfied! + +_The Sp.-F. M._ (_in an explanatory undertone to his neighbours_). I +knew it's on'y them as comes last thet gits left, d' yer see! + + [_Several bystanders hasten to purchase._ + +_Old Billy Fairplay_ (_in an injured tone_). There ain't on'y a +three-penny-bit in mine! + +_The Y. M._ 'Ark at 'im--there's a discontented ole josser for yer! I +carn't put 'arf a sov'rin' in _all_ o' the packets, not and make my +expenses. P'raps you'll 'ave better luck next time. + + [_The packets are in more demand than ever._ + +_The Agr. L._ May I open this 'ere packet now, Master? + +_The Y. M._ If you don't tell nobody what's in it, you may. I've sold as +many as I keer to a' ready. + +_The Agr. L._ (_opening the parcel, and finding a toy-watch of the value +of one farthing sterling_). 'Ere, I'll give yer this back--'tain't no +good to me! + +_The Y. M._ (_with concern_). I'm reelly very sorry, Sir, I've given you +a wrong 'un by mistake. I _quite_ fancied as----Allow me to apologise, +and, as a proof I 'aven't lost your good opinion, give me a penny for +this one. + + [_He selects a packet with great care from the heap._ + +_The A. L._ You don't take me in no moor--I'd sooner make ye a _present_ +o' the penny! + +_The Y. M._ (_wounded_). Don't talk like that, Sir--you'll be sorry for +it afterwards! (_In a whisper._) It's all right _this_ time, s'elp me! + +_The A. L._ I know as it's a kitch o' some sort ... --hows'ever, jest +this once. (_He purchases another packet, and is rewarded by an +eyeglass, constructed of cardboard and coloured gelatine, which he +flings into the circle in a fury._) 'Tis nobbut a darned swindle--and +I've done wi' ye! Ye're all a pack o' rogues together! + + [Exit, amidst laughter from the rest, whose confidence, + however, has been rewarded by very similar results. + +_The Y. M._ He don't know what he's lost by givin' way to his narsty +temper--but there, _I_ forgive 'im! (_He begins to replace the remaining +parcels in the chest; one packet escapes his notice, and is instantly +pounced upon by a sharp, but penniless urchin._) Now, Gentlemen, I'm +'ere reppersentin' two Charitable Institootions--the Blind Asylum, and +the Idjut Orfins--but I'm bloomin' sorry to say that, _this_ time, arter +I've deducted my little trifling commission, there'll be a bloomin' +little to 'and over to either o' them deservin' Sercieties; so, thenkin' +you all, and wishin' you bloomin' good luck, and 'appiness and +prosperity through life, I'll say good-bye to yer. + +_The Sharp Urchin_ (_after retiring to a safe distance with his booty._) +Theer's _summat_ inside of 'un--I can 'ear un a-rartlin' ... 'ow many +_moor_ wrops! 'Tis money, fur sartin!... (_Removes the last wrapping._) +Nawthen but a silly owld cough-drop! (_He calls after the_ Young Man, +_who is retreating with_ Mr. Fairplay, _and his spotty friend._) I've a +blamed good mind to 'ave th' Lar on ye fur that, I hev--a chatin' foaks +i' sech a way! Why don't ye act honest? + + [_Is left masticating the cough-lozenge in speechless + indignation._ + + + * * * * * + +"THE SINS OF SOCIETY." + +READ yesterday, in the _Fortnightly_, this article by OUIDA. Resolved to +follow her teachings at once. Changed my "frightful, grotesque, and +disgraceful male costume" for the most picturesque garments I had--a +kilt, a blue blazer, and a yellow turban, which I once wore at a fancy +dress ball. Then strolled along Piccadilly to the Club. Rather cool. +Having abandoned "the most vulgar form of salutation, the shake-hands," +bowed distantly to several men I had known for years--but they looked +another way. Met a policeman. "Hullo!" he said. "Come out o' that! Your +place is in the road." He mistook me for a sandwich-man! Explained that +I was advocating a new style of dress. "Where's yer trousers?" he asked. +"Trousers!" I cried. "Why, OUIDA"--but it was useless to explain to such +a fool--so I left him. + +At the Club, immense astonishment. Again explained. Members tapped their +foreheads, and said I had better see the Doctor. Why? Then they all +avoided me. Grand chance to show my ability "to support solitude, and to +endure silence." Deuced dull, but it saved me from "the poisoned +atmosphere of crowded rooms." Began to feel hungry about lunch-time, but +happily remembered that "it is not luxury which is enervating, it is +over-eating." Exhausted, but virtuous. Remembered that I had to dine at +my aunt's. Awkward! Could I go in that dress? She is so prim, and so +prejudiced in favour of trousers. Also she is so rich, and I was her +heir. It needs money to obtain the luxury which the great teacher +advocates. Hurried home, and put on hateful evening dress. Avoided +hansoms, they being too much connected with one "ugly hurry-skurry," and +drove to my aunt's in a damp, dirty four-wheeler. Even the new moralist +herself would have been satisfied with the slowness of that. + +At dinner sat between two charming women, evidently as clever as they +were beautiful. Suddenly remembered that we "lose the subtle and fine +flavours of our best dishes, because we consider ourselves obliged to +converse with somebody," and after that did not speak a word. Charming +women stared, and then each turned towards me a beautiful shoulder, and +I saw her face no more. Was just enjoying the flavours when I +recollected that nothing "can make even tolerable, artistically +speaking, the sight of men and women sitting bolt upright close together +taking their soup." We were long past the soup, but it was not too late. +I left the table at once, and reclined elegantly on the floor, with my +plate by my side. "AUGUSTUS," said my Aunt, "are you ill?" I shook my +head; I could not speak, for I was just enjoying an unusually subtle +flavour. Then one of the guests, a member of my Club, whispered to my +aunt, and tapped his forehead. Then she tapped her forehead, and all the +guests tapped their foreheads. I had finished that flavour, so I said, +"My dear Aunt, I am not mad, I----" "Then," said she, "you must be +intoxicated. Leave the house!" And, with the butler and the footmen +escorting me to the street-door, I was obliged to do so. + +It is all over. I know that my Aunt will bequeath her fortune to the +Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ancient Buildings among the +Jews, but I am consoled by the thought that I, at least, have followed +the noble teachings of the New Morality. + + * * * * * + + "WHEN FOUND MAKE A NOTE OF."--By Captain SCUTTLE, to + British East African Co.:--"Your Room is better than + your Company." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +THE title of Mr. CONAN DOYLE'S new book, _Adventures of Sherlock +Holmes_, is incomplete without the addition of, "And the D.D., or Dummy +Doctor," who plays a part in the narratives analogous to that of +"Charles, his Friend," on the stage. The book is, in many respects, a +thriller, reminding one somewhat of _The Diary of a Late Physician_, by +SAMUEL WARREN. This volume is handsomely got up--too handsomely--and +profusely, too profusely, illustrated. For both romancer and reader, +such stories are better un-illustrated. A sensational picture attracts, +and distracts. In this collection the Baron can recommend _The Beryl +Coronet_, _The Red-Headed League_, _The Copper Beeches_, and _The +Speckled Band_. The best time for reading any one of these stories is +the last thing at night, before turning in. "At such an hour, try _The +Speckled Band_, and see how you like it," says the Bold Baron. + +The Baron's assistant dives into the Christmas Card Basket, and produces +RAPHAEL TUCK AND SONS,--"Tuck," a schoolword dear to "our boys,"--who +lead off the Christmas dance. Daintily and picturesquely got up, their +Cards are quite full. Their Watteau Screens will serve as small +ornaments afterwards. These "Correct Cards," with few exceptions, are +not particularly for Christmas, but for all time. Here's Luck To RAPHAEL +TUCK! + +"Todgers's could do it when it liked," and so can Messrs. HUTCHINSON & +Co. at this Fairy Tale time, when they bring out three capital books, +edited by ALFRED H. MILES; _i.e._, _Fifty-two Fairy Tales_, _Fifty-two +other Stories for Boys_, and _Fifty-two other Stories for Girls_. Why +not Fairy Tales for a holiday task, and an examination in Fairy Lore, +with a Fairy Lore Degree for the successful candidate? + +Then come BLACKIE AND SONS with Plenty from HENTY--Mr. G. A. HENTY--who +at Christmas-time is anything but a "Non-Henty-ty." _Beric the Briton_, +_In Greek Waters_, _Condemned as a Nihilist!_--"Go it, HENTY!" The Baron +cheers you onward. + + [Illustration: + A NORSE TALE.] + +_The Thirsty Sword_, by ROBERT LEIGHTON. It's a killing story. + +_An Old-Time Yarn_, by EDGAR PICKERING, about the adventures of DRAKE +and HAWKINS. HAWKINS, mariner, not Sir 'ENRY, the Judge. New yarn. +Strong old salts--very refreshing. + +_The Bull Calf_, brought out for JOHN BULL JUNIOR'S amusement at +Christmas, and seasonably illustrated by FROST, is a queer sort of +animal of the Two Macs Donkey breed. Right for NIMMO to have some fun at +Christmas, according to old example, "_Nimmo mortalium omnibus horis +sapit._" + +What's in a name? not the first time this question has been asked and +answered--but 'tis impossible for the Baron to avoid quoting it now, +when in consequence of its title, he was within an ace of putting aside +_The Germ Growers_, under the impression that it was a scientific work +on Bacillus and Phylloxera. On taking it up, however, the Baron soon +became deeply interested, but was subsequently annoyed to find how the +artful author had beguiled him by leading up to a kind of imitation of +the _In hoc Signo vinces_ legend, and had somewhat adroitly adapted to +his purpose the imagery of one of the most poetic and sublime of ancient +Scripture narratives; _i.e._, where the prophet sees the chariots of +Israel in the air. One remarkable thing about the romance is the absence +of "love-motive," and, indeed, the absence of all female interest. Here +and there the Canon writes carelessly, as instance the following +paragraph:-- + + "Then he got a little glass-tube into which he put + something out of a very small bottle, which he took from + a number of others which lay side by side in a little + case which he took out of a pocket in the side of the + car." + +Apart from other faults, there are too many "whiches" here, and unlike +his malignant hero, _Davoli_, the Canon doesn't seem to be well up in +his "which-craft." Clever Canon POTTER must turn out from his Potteries +some ware superior to this for the public and + + THE BARON. + + * * * * * + + REFLECTION IN THE MIST.--You could have "cut the fog, it + was so thick," is a common expression. But the fog, + unwelcome as it always is, is not like an unwelcome + acquaintance, who can be "cut" or avoided by turning + down a street, or by pretending unconsciousness of his + proximity. + + * * * * * + + QUESTION FOR A LEGAL EXAM.--If a farmer purchased a good + milch cow reared at Dorking, what would be its (old + style) legal produce? _Answer or Rejoinder._--Why, of + course, some sort of Surrey-butter. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + CULTCHAH! + + _Suburban Belle_ (_to her Dressmaker_). "And I should + like a Medici Collar to my Tea-gown. Do you understand? + A Medici Collar--like that of the Venus de Medici!"] + + * * * * * + +"DAVY JONES'S LOCKER." + + DAVY JONES, _loquitur:_-- + + "_Fifteen men on the dead man's chest. Hey! ho! and a bottle of rum!"_ + Faith, that's a chorus I can rattle off with zest. Gratefully it + clatters upon DAVY'S tym-pa-num, + Like a devil's tattoo from Death's drum! Fi! Fo! Fum! These be very + parlous times for old legends of the sea. + VANDERDECKEN is taboo'd, the Sea Sarpint is pooh-pooh'd, but 'tis plain + as any pikestaff they can't disestablish Me! + DADDY NEPTUNE may delight in the Island trim and tight, where his + sea-dogs breed and fight, as in days of yore, + When old CHARLIE DIBDIN'S fancy piped free songs of JACK and NANCY, of + Jolly Salts at sea, and Old Tarry-Breeks ashore; + But if Britons rule the waves, as the grog-fired sailor raves, when he + dreams of glorious graves in the deep dark main, + DADDY NEPTUNE must allow DAVY shares his empire now, or the _Sultan_ + and the _Howe_ have gone down in vain. + + DADDY NEPTUNE loves me not. Plumped by storm or by shot, my Locker held + a lot in the days gone by, + But 'tis daily growing fuller. Is the British Tar off colour, are the + sea-dogs slower, duller, though as game to die? + Has Science spoilt their skill, that their iron pots so fill my old + Locker? How I thrill at the lumbering crash, + When a-crunch upon a rock, with a thundering Titan shock, goes some + shapeless metal block, to immortal smash? + + Oh! it's real, rasping fun! Mighty hull, monster gun, all are mine ere + all's done; and the millions madly spent + On a lollopping wolloping kettle, with ten thousand tons of metal sink + as the Titans settle, turtle-turned, or wrenched and rent, + To my rocks and my ooze. I seem little like to lose by the "Progress" + some abuse, and the many crack up. + Ah! NEPTUNE, sour old lad, DAVY JONES may well look glad at the modern + Iron-clad, and thank ARMSTRONG and KRUPP! + + Science and Salvage? Fudge! If _I_ am any judge, my sea-depths and salt + sludge will not lose by _them_. + NEP calls me callous mocker, but, according to _my_ Cocker, I may laugh, + with a full Locker, whilst the fools condemn. + Think of daring the blue brine with a chart of the Eighty-Nine, and "a + regular goldmine" in one huge black hulk! + Whilst the lubbers stick to that, I shall flourish and grow fat like a + shark or ocean-rat, though old NEP may sulk. + + Demon-Sexton of the Deep! Ha! ha! Ho! ho! I keep my old office. Wives + may weep, and the taxpayers moan; + Let the grumblers make appeal to King Science! Lords of Steel, Iron + Chieftains, do ye feel when your victims groan? + DAVY JONES is well content with that tribute ye have sent, with the + millions ye have spent just to glut his gorge; + He had seldom such a fill in the days of wood--and skill--constant + sea-fights, or the spill of the _Royal George_. + + Good old false last-century Chart! Though the conning may be smart, + and the steersman play his part, Palinurus-like, + Whilst they trust to your vain vellum, which is almost sure to sell + 'em, even DAVY JONES can tell 'em, they may sink or strike. + Hooray, King Death, hooray! Who says we've had our day! Pass the rum and + let's be gay. Not that "dead man's chest," + ROBERT LOUIS grimly sings, like my "Locker Chorus" rings--mingling + weirdly wedded things--grisly doom and jest! + + * * * * * + +On an Irish Landlord. + + "Love thou thy Land!" So sang the Laureate. + Were that sole Landlord duty, you'd fulfil it! + But land makes not a Land, nor soil a State. + Loving your land, how sullenly you hate-- + The People--who've to till it! + Of the earth, earthy is that love of soil + Which for wide-acred wealth will sap and spoil + The souls and sinews of the thralls of Toil. + Churl! Bear a human heart, a liberal hand! + _Then_ thou may'st say that thou dost "love thy Land." + + * * * * * + + WHEN a Stag has once been uncarted, and has been given + so many minutes law to get away, the Huntsman may correctly + allude to him as "The Deer Departed." + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + "DAVY JONES'S LOCKER." + + Davy Jones. "AHA! SO LONG AS THEY STICK TO THEM OLD + CHARTS, NO FEAR O' MY LOCKER BEIN' EMPTY!!"] + + * * * * * + +RECONCILIATION. + + (_Scene from that new Screaming Farce "The Political Box and Cox."_) + + ["Mr. GLADSTONE (says the _Daily Chronicle_) has + effected a formal reconciliation with the Member for + Northampton. He visited Mr. and Mrs. LABOUCHERE, took + tea with them, and had a long and very cordial + interview. So far, indeed, as Mr. LABOUCHERE ever had + any personal feeling in reference to his exclusion from + the Ministry, it may be regarded as dead."] + + [Illustration] + +_Box._ Although we are not destined to occupy the same--ahem!--Cabinet +Council Chamber--at present, I don't see any necessity for our cutting +each other's political throat, Sir. + +_Cox._ Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to. + +_Box._ And, after all, I've no violent animosity against _you_, Sir. + +_Cox._ Nor have I any rooted antipathy to _you_. Sir. + +_Box._ Besides, it was all--ahem!--Mrs.--ahem's fault, Sir! + +_Cox_ (_embarrassed_). Well--ahem!--my--er--loyalty--as a man of +honour--to--er--that lady, Sir, forbids, Sir, my saying, +or--er--permitting to be said---- + + [_Gradually approaching chairs._ + +_Box._ Ah, exactly, I _quite_ understand that. The truth is---- + +_Cox_ (_quickly_). A most excellent thing, in its way. I always see it. + +_Box._ Very well, Sir! + +_Cox._ Very well, Sir! [_Pause._ + +_Box._ Take a little jam, Sir! + +_Cox._ Thank you, Sir! + + [_Taking a spoonful. Pause._ + +_Box._ Do you sing, Sir? + +_Cox_ (_modestly_). I have, in days gone by, done a little Negro +Minstrelsy. + +_Box._ Then give us a breakdown. _(Pause.)_ Well, well, perhaps the +suggestion's a little inopportune. What is your opinion of smoking, Sir? + + [_Produces cigarette._ + +_Cox_ (_tartly_). I think it is a pestilent practice, Sir! + +_Box_ (_puffing_). So do some other singular people, Sir. To be sure, +they may not so much object to it if the pipes are not loaded. + +_Cox._ No--I daresay that _does_ make some difference. + +_Box._ And yet, Sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you, as rather +a waste of time, for people to keep puffing away at pipes (or +Programmes) with nothing in 'em? + +_Cox_ (_drily_). No, Sir--not more than any other harmless +recreation--such, for instance, as posing as a Party leader, without any +Party. + +_Box_ (_aside_). Some of his own Party may be found a bit shaky. Next +time I invite him, it may be to tea--and turn-out! + +_Cox_ (_aside_). Let him put _that_ in his pipe (or cigarette) and smoke +it! + +_Box_ (_aloud_). Well, well, now we so thoroughly understand each other, +what--even Programmes--shall part us? + +_Cox._ Who--even--ahem! a certain Party, shall tear us asunder? + +_Box._ COX! + +_Cox._ BOX! + + + [_About to embrace._ BOX _stops, seizes_ COX's _hand, + and looks eagerly in his face._ + +_Box._ You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the remark, but the more I +gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced that you'd never be such a +suicidal idiot as to--seek another Chamber? + +_Cox_ (_winking_). Walker! + +_Box._ Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as the +"Strawberry Leaves" in your eye? + +_Cox._ No! + +_Box._ Then we _are_ brothers! + + [_They rush into each other's arms._ + +_Cox._ Of course, we stop where we are? + +_Box._ Of course! + +_Cox._ For between you and me, I'm rather partial to the House. + +_Box._ So am I--I feel quite at home in it. + +_Cox._ Everything so clean and comfortable! + +_Box._ And I'm sure its Mistress, Mrs.--ahem!--from what little +_I've_ seen of her, is very anxious to do her best. + +_Cox._ So she is--and I vote, Box, that we stand by her! + +_Box._ Agreed! (_winks._) There's my hand upon it--join but yours--agree +that the House is big enough to hold us both, then Box---- + +_Cox._ And Cox---- + +_Both._ Are satisfied! [_Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +FACT, OR FUNK? + +SIR,--Will you permit me to protest against the shocking insecurity of +life and property in London? What are the Police doing? Only yesterday I +was walking, _in the middle of the day_, in a rather quiet road in this +suburb, when a _highway robber_, disguised as an ordinary beggar, asked +me for a copper! His look was _most forbidding_, and he put his hand +under his coat in a way that convinced me he was about to _draw a +revolver_! I at once gave him my purse, with half-a-crown in it, which +seemed to pacify him, and I am convinced that I owe my life to my +_presence of mind_. The shock, however, has quite prostrated me, and my +medical adviser has already paid me _three visits_, on the strength of +it, and says I need "careful watching for some time." He has very kindly +put off a holiday, in order to watch me, which is sufficient to prove +what a _diabolical outrage_ I have been the victim of! + Yours, indignantly, + _Cozynook, Sydenham._ TABITHA GRUNDY. + + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--We are coming to a really awful state of things in the +Strand! A friend of mine (who does not wish his name mentioned) assures +me that he was proceeding from the Gaiety Restaurant, where he had been +lunching, towards Charing Cross, when he was "attacked by VERTIGO" in +broad day-light! Comment is needless. If dangerous foreign bandits like +this VERTIGO--who from his name must be an Italian--are permitted to +plunder innocent pedestrians with impunity, the sooner we abolish our +Police Force and save the expense, the better. + NO ALARMIST. + + + +DEAR ED'TOR,--I write you a line to say I've jus' been 'sulted--grossly +'sulted--on Thames 'Bankmen'. Walkin' 'long--quite shober--sud'ly +'costed by man dressed like 'pleeceman. Said "lot bad krakters +about"--took hold of my arm--wanted see me into cab. _I saw through him +at once._ It was a plot! Wanted steal vabblewatch--forshately lef' watch +home. Angry at not findin' watch--bundled me into cab anyhow--feel +'fects still. Whash Scolland Yard 'bout? Are spekbull citizens to be +'sulted by pleece--by me'dress-li'pleece, I mean? It's all true 'bout +Lunn' bein' _most_ unsafe. Norra word' of 'xagg'ration! _Cre' 'xperto._ +Thash Latin!--_Shows_ I'm spekbull. No more now! He'ache. + Yours, RUM PUNCH. + + * * * * * + +Sir Gerald Portal. + + OF Afric's districts C. and E., + 'Tis clear to any mortal, + We've but to keep our Afric key, + And enter by our PORTAL. + + * * * * * + +THE following mysterious advertisement is cut from the _Grantham +Journal:_-- + + WANTED, to Purchase, a HALF-LEGGED Horse, five years + old, suitable for Building work, about 16 + hands.--Address, &c. + +Is the horse to have two legs? Not on all fours with nature? And the +sixteen hands? Compensation for want of legs? Give it up! + + * * * * * + +THE NEXT ELECTION PIC-NIC. + + (_By Our Own Prophetic Reporter._) + + +A FEW days since a "Grand Intellectual _Fete_" was given by the Flower +League in advancement of the Patriotic Cause, in the grounds of the Duke +of DITCHWATER. The Railway Companies afforded unusual facilities for +securing a large gathering, and there was much enthusiasm amongst those +who were present. To meet the requirements of decisions arrived at +during the trial of recent Election Petitions, it was arranged that some +one competent to undertake the task should introduce and explain the +various distractions afforded for the entertainment of the very numerous +company. Mr. A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR, Barrister, of London, kindly +consented to act as lecturer, his professional engagements fortunately +allowing him leisure to assume such a responsibility. + +The Lecturer said that he was delighted to see so large a gathering. +(_Cheers._) They quite reminded him of the clients who thronged his +passage on the first day of Term, waiting for his chamber doors to open. +(_Laughter._) There was nothing in the remark he had just made to +provoke merriment. He wished it to be clearly understood that he +appealed to their reason. (_Cheers._) It had been objected that some of +the entertainments given at what had been called political pic-nics had +nothing to do with the reasoning faculties of the spectators. This he +emphatically denied. (_Applause._) Without wasting further of their +time--(_"No, no!" "Go on."_)--he would come to his first +illustration--the Bounding Brothers of Bohemia. (_Great cheering._) It +was advisable that the bodies as well as the minds of children educated +by the School-Boards should receive attention. Their bodies should be +brought to as near perfection as possible; every muscle should be +brought into play. To explain his meaning, he called upon the Bounding +Brothers of Bohemia to illustrate the poetry of motion. + +Upon this, five gentlemen in tights (understood to be the athletic +kindred to whom the Lecturer had referred) performed a series of feats +of strength, which included standing on one another's heads, jumping +through hoops, and turning quadruple somersaults. + +After their performances were over Mr. BRIEFLESS resumed. + +The Lecturer said: He next wished to appeal to their reason--to +challenge, so to speak, their senses on the power of foreign opinion. It +was asserted that an Englishman cared only for his native land and the +Press appertaining thereto. Now he (the Lecturer) had the greatest +respect for the English Press--(_cheers_)--still he found that some of +our foreign contemporaries were nearly as good. (_"Hear, hear!"_) He +wished to introduce the Signora MANTILLA from Spain--(_applause_)--who +had consented to sing a political song in Spanish, emphasizing her +opinions by a dance after each verse. (_Great cheering._) The Signora +MANTILLA then gave a demonstration, which was much appreciated. + +The Lecturer resumed. He said he had not insulted their intelligence by +asking them if they understood Spanish. Of course, they did. (_Loud +laughter._) He was quite sure that the Signora's third verse and +accompanying dance must have convinced everyone of the advantages of +Fair Trade. (_Laughter._) He saw no reason for merriment. (_Renewed +laughter._) He had now come to that important subject Bi-metallism. +(_Cheers._) They had been told that whereas speech was silver, silence +was golden. (_"Hear, hear!"_) To show the advantage of silver +(represented by speech), the Blue-eyed Nigger would give a native song +accompanied on his own banjo. (_Loud applause._) + +The Blue-eyed Nigger then favoured the company with one of his +characteristic ditties. + +The Lecturer said he had now to thank his audience for their kind +attention, and to inform them that the display of fireworks with +set-pieces containing political sentiments appealing to their reason, +would take place immediately. + +Shortly afterwards the company separated, greatly pleased with the +rational entertainment they had been invited to enjoy. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + =MILITARY EDUCATION.= + + _General._ "Mr. de Bridoon, what is the general use of + Cavalry in modern warfare?" + + _Mr. de Bridoon._ "Well, I suppose to give Tone to what + would otherwise be a mere Vulgar Brawl!"] + + * * * * * + +ADAPTED FROM THE FRENCH. + + (Being a Parisian Parliamentary Procedure as "She Might be + Spoke in England.") + +SCENE--The House of Commons at question-time. Ministers in attendance, +excited Members regarding them with derision. + +_First Member._ I claim the word, Mr. Speaker. I would ask Esquire +Harcourt, does he propose to make his Budget popular? + + [_"Very well! very well!" from the Conservatives._ + +_Esquire Harcourt._ I tell the Hon. Gentleman that by such a question he +insults the world! (_Cheers._) Nay, he insults England! + + [_Loud applause, in which all join._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). Still, you have not answered my +question. Is your Budget to be popular? + + [_Murmurs._ + +_Esquire Har._ (_with spirit_). I consider such a question twice +repeated an infamy! + + [_Enthusiastic cheering._ + +_Second Mem._ Then it is you who are infamous! + + [_Uproar._ + +_The Speaker._ Gentlemen, Ministers, do not force me to put on my +hat--do not cause me to suspend the sitting. + +_First Mem._ Surely a civil question deserves a civil answer? + +_Esquire Harcourt._ Not in a nation that has bled on the field of +battle. [_Roars of applause._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). And yet what I required to know was +reasonable. I wished to know whether Esquire Harcourt proposed to name a +popular Budget? + +_Esquire Harcourt._ He repeats the calumny! [_Uproar._ + +_First Mem._ (_after a pause_). But is there no reply? I would ask Sir +Gladstone--is there no reply? + +_Sir Gladstone_ (_springing to his feet_). It is for the honour of +England! (_Immense enthusiasm._) And now, Sir, you are answered! + + [Roars of applause. Scene closes in upon Ministers receiving + the hand-shakes of supporters and opponents. + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + SPORT AS A MATTER OF COURSE-ING.] + + * * * * * + + [Illustration: + LADIES IN THE HUNTING FIELD. + + It is The Opinion of Mr. Phunkie "that the Fair Sex is all + very well at the Covert Side, and he has no objection to a + little quiet Flirtation there; but if a Man is expected to + go hanging round a Girl when Hounds are running, the thing + is apt to become a dooce of a Nuisance!"] + + * * * * * + +TAKE CARE OF THE PENCE. + + ["A deputation of Seamstresses stated at Westminster Police + Court, that they make soldiers' clothing, receiving for each + pair of trousers 8-1/4_d._, and for each flannel-belt, + rather less than one penny."--_Daily Paper._] + + O England, you boast of your warrior sons, + Your history tells of them, fearless in strife, + How they faced the French horse, how they charged Russian guns, + So thoughtful of duty, so careless of life! + + You honour them rightly, but do not forget + That economy pleases the voters as well; + Each penny reduces the National Debt; + Old Ships, as you know, are the best things to sell. + + You could not escape paying pounds to the men + Who fought, wearing soles of brown paper, supplied + In your wise, frugal way. Follow precedent then! + Remember pence saved, not your children who died! + + Though the men must be paid, such expense need not vex + A skilful economist. This can be met. + You can always grind pence from the poor, weaker sex; + If the clothes are ill-made, think what bargains you get! + + Then lavish your honours, your wealth, on the brave, + If you did not, perhaps, scarce a man would enlist; + But forget not the gain of each penny you save, + And starve these poor Women--they cannot resist. + + * * * * * + + _Pears' Christmas Number_--what it ought to be:--A new + edition of "_His Soap's Fables_." + + * * * * * + + The Real Enemy to "The Big Loaf" (According to John + Burns).--The Big Loafer. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +NATIONAL ART-TREASURES.--I see that objections are being made to +Millbank as a suitable site for the Picture Gallery which Mr. Tate has +so generously offered to the nation. May I ask whether the advantages of +the Isle of Dogs have ever been considered? The position being right out +of the way of anybody who cares a rush for Art, and in the centre of the +river-fog district, so as to ensure a maximum of injury to the pictures +by damp, its offer to the generous donor would convincingly demonstrate +our Government's appreciation of such patriotic munificence. Failing the +Isle of Dogs, would there be any objection to Barking, in the +neighbourhood of the Sewage Outfall? They are quite accustomed there to +dealing with the precipitation of sludge. Perhaps some Art-lover would +reply. + Citizen of a Rather Mean City. + + +HOUSEHOLDER'S DIFFICULTIES.--Could some practical Correspondent advise +us as to what would be the best course to pursue under the following +awkward circumstances? I live in a house in a newly-constructed terrace, +with very thin party-walls. The tenant on one side has just set up a +private establishment for the reception of the most thoroughly incurable +class of maniacs, while on the other side is a family who make their +living by piano, violin, and cornet performances, at private houses. I +have asked the landlord to abate the nuisance by adding another brick to +the thickness of the walls on each side; but he writes to me, giving his +address at the Bankruptcy Court, to explain that the houses are not so +constructed as to bear the extra weight, which I think very probable. I +would apply for an injunction against the Maniacs, were it not that +their howlings are sometimes useful in drowning the sound of the +constant practising on the piano. Would it be wise to retaliate by +dropping bricks at midnight down my neighbours' chimneys? What is the +least term of Penal Servitude that I could get if I hired some of the +Unemployed to break into the musical house and smash up the instruments? +If I went as a Deputation on the subject to Mr. Asquith, should I be +likely to be cordially received? + Tortured Tenant. + + * * * * * + + NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether + MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any + description, will in no case be returned, not even when + accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or + Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +103, December 10, 1892, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 20759.txt or 20759.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/0/7/5/20759/ + +Produced by V. L. 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