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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Pirate of Parts
+
+Author: Richard Neville
+
+Release Date: September 14, 2008 [EBook #26612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PIRATE OF PARTS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Mary Meehan, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced
+from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                         _A Pirate of Parts_
+
+                         _By RICHARD NEVILLE_
+
+
+
+
+    _"One man in his time plays many parts."_
+    --SHAKESPEARE
+
+
+NEW YORK
+The Neale Publishing Company
+1913
+
+Copyright, 1913, by
+The Neale Publishing Company
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: (signature) Yours Sincerly Richard Neville]
+
+
+
+
+                        _"All the worlds' a stage
+    And all the men and women merely players"_
+
+
+
+
+To my sister, Mrs. Mary Hughes, who for years has been associated with
+several of the most notable presentations on the American stage and with
+many of the most prominent and talented of American players, both male
+and female.
+
+
+
+
+_"BILL OF THE PLAY"_
+
+
+       I.--Is all our company here?--_Shakespeare_
+
+      II.--What stories I'll tell when my sojerin' is o'er.--_Lever_
+
+     III.--Come all ye warmheart'd countrymen I pray you will draw
+           near.--_Old Ballad_
+
+      IV.--Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of
+           ground.--_Shakespeare_
+
+       V.--I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land.--_John
+           Boyle O'Reilly_
+
+      VI.--What strange things we see and what queer things we
+           do.--_Modern Song_
+
+     VII.--He employs his fancy in his narrative and keep his
+           Recollections for his wit.--_Richard Brindsley Sheridan_
+
+    VIII.--Every one shall offer according to what he hath.--_Deut._
+
+      IX.--One man in his time plays many parts.--_Shakespeare_
+
+       X.--Originality is nothing more than judicious
+           imitation.--_Voltaire_
+
+      XI.--All places that the eye of heaven visits are happy
+           havens.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XII.--There are more things in heaven and earth,
+           Horatio.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XIII.--Life is mostly froth and bubble.--_The Hill_
+
+     XIV.--Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time.--_Shakespeare_
+
+      XV.--Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the
+           roughest day.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XVI.--A new way to pay old debts.
+
+    XVII.--The actors are at hand.--_Shakespeare_
+
+   XVIII.--Twinkle, twinkle little star.--_Nursery Rhymes_
+
+     XIX.--Experience is a great teacher--the events of life its
+           chapters.--_Sainte Beuve_
+
+      XX.--I am not an imposter that proclaim myself against the level of
+           my aim.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XXI.--I'll view the town, peruse the traders, gaze upon the
+           buildings.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XXII.--Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or
+           vaudeville.--_Geo. Elliott_
+
+   XXIII.--All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely
+           players.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XXIV.--There's nothing to be got nowadays, unless thou can'st fish
+           for it.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XXV.--Joy danced with Mirth, a gay fantastic crowd.--_Collins_
+
+    XXVI.--Say not "Good Night," but in some brighter clime bid me "Good
+           Morning."--_Barbauld_
+
+
+
+
+_A Pirate of Parts_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+     "Is all our company here?"
+     --MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.
+
+
+Yes, he was a strolling player pure and simple. He was an actor by
+profession, and jack of all trades through necessity. He could play any
+part from _Macbeth_ to the hind leg of an elephant, equally well or bad,
+as the case might be. What he did not know about a theatre was not worth
+knowing; what he could not do about a playhouse was not worth
+doing--provided you took his word for it. From this it might be inferred
+he was a useful man, but he was not. He had a queer way of doing things
+he ought not to do, and of leaving undone things he should have done.
+Good nature, however, was his chief quality. He bubbled over with it.
+Under the most trying circumstances he never lost his temper. He laughed
+his way through life, apparently without care. Yet he was a man of
+family, and those who were dependent upon him were not neglected, for
+his little ones were uppermost in his heart. Acting was his legitimate
+calling, but he would attempt anything to turn an honest penny. In turn
+he had been sailor, engineer, pilot, painter, manager, lecturer,
+bartender, soldier, author, clown, pantaloon, and a brass band. To
+preach a sermon would disconcert him as little as to undertake to
+navigate a balloon. He could get away with a pint of Jersey lightning,
+and under its stimulating influence address a blue ribbon temperance
+meeting on the pernicious effects of rum. Where he was born no one could
+tell. He claimed laughingly that it was so long since he was first
+produced he had lost track of the date. A friend of his maintained that
+he was bred in the blue grass region, he was such an admirable judge of
+whisky. On that score he might as well have been born in the County
+Galway as in the state of Kentucky. He had a voluminous shock of red
+hair; his name was Handy, and no one ever thought of addressing him
+otherwise, even on the slightest acquaintance. When he had an engagement
+he was poorer than when he was out of a job. He was a daisy of the
+chronic impecunious variety.
+
+The summer of --'7 was a hard season with actors, and as Handy was one
+of the guild he suffered like the rest of his calling. He was not so
+fortunate as to have country relatives with whom he might visit and
+spend a brief vacation down on the old farm, so he had to bestir himself
+to hit upon some scheme or other to bridge over the so-called dog days.
+He pondered over the matter, and finally determined to organize a
+company to work the towns along the Long Island Sound coast. Most men
+would have shrunk from an undertaking of this character without the
+necessary capital to embark in the venture. Handy, however, was not an
+individual of that type. He was a man of great natural and economical
+resources, when put to the test. Moreover, he had a friend who was the
+owner of a good-sized canvas tent; was on familiar terms with another
+who was the proud possessor of a fairly good-sized sailing craft; his
+credit at the printer's was good for twenty or twenty-five dollars, and
+in addition he had eleven dollars in hard cash in his inside pocket.
+What more could an enterprising man, with energy to burn, desire?
+
+On the Rialto Handy picked up seven good men and true, who, like
+himself, had many a time and oft fretted their brief hour upon the
+stage--and possibly will again,--who were willing to embark their fame
+and fortune in the venture. They knew Handy was a sailor bold, and so
+long as they had an angel in the shape of a vessel to perform the
+transportation part of the scheme without being compelled to count
+railroad ties, in case of ill luck, sailing was good enough for them.
+Besides, time was no object, for they had plenty of it to spare.
+
+They were all actors like Handy himself. The stories they could unfold
+of barn-storming in country towns in years gone by would fill a volume
+as bulky as a census report. Moreover, they could turn their talents to
+any line of business and double, treble, quintuple parts as easily as
+talk. They were players of the old stock school.
+
+One of the company played a cornet badly enough to compel the
+inhabitants of any civilized town to take to the woods until he had made
+his departure; another was a flutist of uncertain qualifications, while
+a third could rasp a little on the violin; and as for Handy himself, he
+could tackle any other instrument that might be necessary to make up a
+band; but playing the drum,--the bass drum,--or the cymbals, was his
+specialty.
+
+A company was accordingly organized, the day of departure fixed, the
+printing got out--and the printer "hung up." The vessel was anchored off
+Staten Island, and was provisioned with one keg of beer, a good-sized
+box of hardtack, a jar of Vesey Street pickles, a Washington Street ham,
+five large loaves and all the fishes in the bay. The company, after some
+preliminary preparations, boarded the _Gem of the Ocean_, for such was
+the pretentious name of the unpretentious craft that was to carry Cæsar
+and his fortunes. Perhaps Handy's own description of the first night's
+adventure might prove more interesting than if given by another.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+     "What stories I'll tell when my sojerin is o'er."
+     --LEVER.
+
+
+"Well, sir, you see," said Handy some weeks after in relating the
+adventure to a friend, "we had previously determined to start from
+Staten Island, when one of the company got it into his head that we
+might show on the island for 'one night only,' and make a little
+something into the bargain. Besides, he reasoned, all first-class
+companies nowadays adopt that plan of breaking in their people. Some
+cynical individuals describe this first night operation as 'trying it on
+the dog,' but as that is a vulgar way of putting it we'll let it pass.
+We turned the matter over in our minds, and almost unanimously agreed
+that it was too near the city to make the attempt, but the strong
+arguments of Smith prevailed--he was the one who first advocated it--and
+we therefore resolved to set up our tent and present 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'
+with an unparalleled cast from the California Theatre.
+
+"You must remember we desired to have the company hail from a point as
+far distant as possible from New York, and we could hardly have gone
+further or we would have slid right plumb off the continent. But we told
+no lie about the company being unparalleled. No, sir. You couldn't match
+it for money. It was what might be legitimately considered a 'star cast
+company.'
+
+"One of the company was a dwarf. That was lucky, or we would have been
+stuck for a _Little Eva_. So the dwarf was cast for _Eva_; and he
+doubled up and served as an ice floe, with a painted soap box on his
+back to represent a floating cake of ice in the flight scene. He played
+the ice floe much better than he did _Eva_. But that's neither here nor
+there now, as he got through with both. What's more, he's alive to-day
+to tell the tale. Between ourselves, he was the oddest looking
+_Eva_--and the toughest one, too, for that matter--you ever clapped eyes
+upon.
+
+"In the dying scene, where _Eva_ is supposed to start for heaven, we
+struck up the tune of 'Dem Golden Slippers' in what we considered
+appropriate time. Well! whatever it was--whether it was the music, the
+singing, or little _Eva's_ departure for the heavenly regions--it nearly
+broke up the show. The audience simply wouldn't stand for it. Just at
+that impressive moment when the Golden Gates were supposed to be ajar,
+and dear little _Eva's_ spirit was about to pass the gate-keeper, a
+couple of rural hoodlums in the starboard side of the tent began to
+whistle the suggestive psalm, 'There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+To-night.' When I heard it I felt convinced it wouldn't be safe to give
+that programme for more than one night in any town.
+
+"We hurried through the performance for two special reasons: first,
+because the audience evidently did not appear to appreciate or take
+kindly to the company from the California Theatre, and secondly on
+account of the rising wind which was beginning to blow up pretty fresh,
+and the tent was not sufficiently able-bodied to stand too much of a
+pressure from outside as well as from within. Consequently we rang down
+the curtain rather prematurely on the last act. It is nothing more than
+candid to allow that the audience was not as quiet at the close as in
+the earlier scenes of the drama. We had no kick coming, however, as the
+gross receipts footed up seventeen dollars and fifty cents.
+
+"We struck tent without much delay and managed to get our traps
+together. We were about to carry them down to the _Gem of the Ocean_
+when Smith, the property man, approached me with the information that
+there was a man looking for me who intimated that he was going to levy
+on our props. 'What's up?' I asked.
+
+"'Don't know,' answered Smith, 'but I think you had better see him
+yourself.'
+
+"I did, and it proved to be the sheriff, or some fellow of that
+persuasion. He came to make it warm for us because, forsooth, we showed
+without a license. And this, mind you, in what we regard as a free
+country. Ye gods! Well, be that as it may, you can readily see we were
+in a bad box, and how to get out of it was the perplexing problem that
+confronted me.
+
+"I claimed ignorance of the law, but it was no go. I then attempted a
+bluff game, but it wouldn't work for a cent. I tried him on all the
+points of the compass of strategem, but he was a Staten Islander, and I
+failed satisfactorily to inoculate him with my histrionic eloquence. The
+members of the company, however, were not wasting time and were getting
+the things down to the dock, only a short distance off.
+
+"Finally, as if inspired, I suggested to the official that we drop over
+the way, to Clausen's, and talk the matter over. I was thirsty, and I
+had an instinctive idea that my political friend also was. He hesitated
+a moment, and then started across with me. We walked slowly and talked
+freely. At length we got down to hard pan. I was ready to settle up and
+pay the license fee, but he wasn't ready to receive it. The fee, I
+think, was five dollars, but he wanted something in addition for his
+trouble. He didn't say as much, but I knew that was what he was hinting
+at. These politicians are so modest. I know them from past experience.
+
+"When we reached Clausen's we retired to a quiet corner in the back room
+and continued our conversation. I set up the beer, called for the
+cigars, and then motioned for another round. The sheriff was quite
+agreeable. Suddenly it flashed through my mind that I did not have one
+cent in my clothes. Sy Jones, whom we had appointed treasurer, had taken
+possession of the gross receipts. I was nonplussed for the time being.
+What to do I couldn't tell for the moment, but I didn't communicate that
+fact to my official friend. We had some more refreshments, and then I
+excused myself for a minute and went out into the yard back of the
+house. As fate would have it, the fence was not high. Without much
+hesitation I took chances, sprang over it, and started for the
+water-side as quickly as my legs would travel.
+
+"I knew exactly where the _Gem of the Ocean_ lay. The boys had worked
+like beavers in the interim. They had everything stowed away snugly. It
+did not take me long to get aboard with the rest of the boys.
+
+"'Get to work and cast off as quickly as you can,' I whispered, rather
+than yelled. It was an anxious moment, I tell you, for just at that
+moment the front door of Clausen's power house was flung wide open and
+loud and angry voices were borne on the night wind to where we lay.
+'Push her bow off, for the Lord's sake!' I yelled, while I was busily
+engaged in running up the jib.
+
+"It wasn't then a question of sheriff alone. Clausen, the German
+saloon-keeper, and his gang were coming down on us like a pack of wolves
+on a sheepfold. Clausen, naturally enough, was considerably put out,
+simply because I was forced through the contradictory nature of
+conflicting circumstances to arbitrarily stand him up for the
+refreshments and smokes, and he appeared desirous of getting square.
+Fortunately for us, the high wind that had threatened to blow over our
+tent was off-shore, and by the time the Staten Islanders reached the end
+of the dock we had a good breeze full on the sails and were laying our
+course for the hospitable shore of Long Island."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+     "Come all ye warm-hearted countrymen, I pray you will draw
+     near."
+     --<sc>Old Song<sc>.
+
+
+"About daybreak we passed through Hell Gate, with a kiting breeze, and
+were pointing for Whitestone, where we proposed to show the following
+night. We reached there some time in the forenoon. Fancy our dismay when
+we learned that North's Circus was billed there the same evening. North
+had chartered a steamer and was bent on precisely the same lay as we
+were, with this difference, that he was more thoroughly equipped for the
+undertaking. As soon as we made this unpleasant discovery our spirits
+fell to zero and our hearts slipped into our boots. Some of the people
+were so discouraged that they were in favor of giving up the 'snap'
+there and then, but the more optimistic ones determined to stick it out,
+and stick we did.
+
+"Along in the afternoon we saw the North steamer come along with flags
+flying and a band playing. If we hadn't been on professional business
+ourselves we possibly might have enjoyed the exhibition. We should have
+left Whitestone right away, but the wind had died out and there wasn't a
+capful of air stirring. Some of the members of the company expressed a
+desire to go ashore, but I objected. I had made up my mind to start with
+the first breath of wind that sprang up. To profitably employ our time
+we set to work to fish for our supper. Our larder was not over and above
+flush, and a few fish would prove quite acceptable. Just about sundown a
+breeze sprang up, and we took advantage of it. We hoisted anchor and
+stood up the Sound with every stitch of canvas set and drawing.
+
+"I forget just the name of the next stopping place we reached, but I
+should judge it was a point opposite, or nearly opposite, to Greenwich
+or Stamford. We remained on board until about eight o'clock next
+morning, and then a little party went ashore to reconnoiter. The town
+proper was only a short distance from the little harbor. Imagine our
+feelings when we ascertained that North had billed this town also, and
+was to show there that very night. This was too much for poor, trusting
+human nature. The opposition show itself we wouldn't have minded, but
+the colored printing, streamers, and snipes that adorned the fences,
+barns and hen houses almost paralyzed us.
+
+"In sheer desperation we brought the tent ashore and prepared to tackle
+fate and the opposition, and trust to luck. We put out no bills, and got
+ready to make much big noise of the proper kind when the opportune
+moment arrived. We hired a wagon from an enterprising farmer for our
+band; then sent complimentary tickets to the dominie to come to see
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin,' for the familiar old drama, notwithstanding the
+wear and tear of many years of barn-storming, is still regarded as
+somewhat of a religious entertainment. We toiled like beavers to work up
+business for the night. The attraction pitted against us was strong, but
+what of that? Desperation gave us strength, and we hoped for the best.
+
+"Along in the afternoon as I was about to board the _Gem_ I was
+astonished to find no appearance of the North circus steamer. It was
+nigh on to high water, a dead calm prevailed, and the atmosphere was hot
+and misty. I thought little of it at the time, until I reached the deck.
+I knew that, allowing a fair margin for delay, a power craft could run
+up in short order, and an hour or so would be ample time to put up the
+tent and get everything in readiness for the night's performance.
+
+"While I sat at the head of the companionway meditating over the
+situation and drawing consolation from a bit of briarwood, the property
+man hailed me from the shore. I immediately manned the dingy and rowed
+for the shore to ascertain what was the matter. When I got there he
+informed me that some of the inhabitants from the interior had got in
+town to see the show and were anxious to buy reserved seats. I inquired
+if he had accommodated them. He told me he had not done so, as he had an
+idea that it was the other show they were looking for. However, he was
+not certain on that score. For the time being, however, he put them off
+with the explanation that the ticket register was out of order and the
+tickets were not yet ready. The family wagons and carryalls were
+beginning to come in, and by four o'clock or thereabouts the little
+place presented quite an animated appearance. The prospects for a crowd
+were good. Every minute I expected to hear the sound of the steamboat's
+whistle at the point announcing her arrival. It was getting along well
+in the afternoon when the thought entered my mind, 'Now, if by any
+chance the steamer should be delayed, what course would I pursue?'
+
+"The more I turned the subject over in my mind the stronger I became
+impressed with the idea that desperate cases necessitate strenuous
+remedies. The heat of the afternoon became oppressive, and the haze had
+become a thick fog over the water. Occasionally it would lift slightly
+and then settle down more dense than before. Five o'clock came, and
+still no steamer. About ten minutes later we heard a sound that nearly
+knocked me out. It was the steamer with the other fellow's show. We
+heard the blow, but could not get a glimpse of the blowpipe. We could
+hear, but could not see. We remained on board some time, and then all
+hands went ashore. The fog still hung over the water and the whistle
+continued to blow. We resolved to play a desperate game. So long as the
+fog continued we were all safe, as I felt satisfied the captain of the
+steamer would not dare venture to run in closer to the shore at that
+stage of the tide, especially in such a fog.
+
+"We hurried up to the tent and began to sell tickets. Buyers naturally
+made inquiries, but the ticket-seller economized considerably on the
+truth in his answers. We paid the farmer for his wagon that had been
+used by the band one half in cash and the balance in passes. Sharp at
+eight o'clock we rung the curtain up to a jammed house of the most
+astonished countrymen, women and children you ever set eyes upon. They
+did not know what to make of it, but they swallowed it all in the most
+good-natured manner possible. We introduced bits of 'The Old Homestead,'
+'The Two Orphans,' 'Rip Van Winkle,' slices of Shakespeare, Augustus
+Thomas, George Ade, and other great writers, so you see we were giving
+them bits of the best living and dead dramatists. Our native
+Shakespeares do the same thing nowadays in all of their original works,
+and that's no idle fairy tale. We sandwiched comedy, drama, tragedy, and
+farce, and interlarded the mixture with Victor Herbert and Oscar
+Hammerstein's opera comique and May Irwin coon songs. Such a
+presentation of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' was never before presented, and I am
+free to confess the chances are never will be again. We actually played
+the town on the other fellow's paper. It wasn't exactly according to
+Hoyle, but then any reasonable thinking man will concede that necessity
+knows no law, and as the country people came to see a show it would have
+been a grievous sin to have disappointed them.
+
+"It did not take us long to strike tent and hurry on board when the
+curtain fell on the last act. By this time the fog had lifted. As there
+was a breeze we made sail and stood out for the open sea. It was near
+the top of high water as we passed the point, and there we saw the
+steamer going in. She had run on a sandbar in the fog and was compelled
+to stay there for high water to get off. That's how the other fellow got
+left and how we turned his mishap to our advantage."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+     "Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of barren
+     ground.... The wills above be done, but I would fain die a dry
+     death."
+     --TEMPEST.
+
+
+By midnight the _Gem of the Ocean_ was well out in the Sound. A stiff
+breeze was now blowing, and the little craft was footing it at a rapid
+rate. Handy was now in his native element. He and his company felt that
+they had turned a clever trick. It was an achievement worthy of the most
+accomplished barnstormer. The idea of playing the town on the other
+fellow's paper, ye gods! it was an accomplishment to feel proud of;
+something to be stored away in the memory; something to be set aside for
+future use when nights were long and congenial companions were gathered
+about a cheerful fireside to listen to stories of days gone by.
+
+Supper disposed of, the company were grouped together near the
+companionway smoking the pipes of peace and anxious to discuss the next
+managerial move. Handy, of course, was the prime mover in all
+things--the one man to whom they all looked to pilot them safely through
+the difficulties they expected to encounter. So far they considered he
+had made good. He appeared to be in the best of spirits. Seated on an
+up-turned bucket, drawing meditatively on his well-seasoned briarwood,
+he looked a perfect picture of content. Not so, however, the "little
+'un," as the boys playfully addressed the dwarf. The motion of the
+vessel did not harmonize with peculiarities of his interior
+arrangements, and unless the _Gem_ stopped rolling and pitching there
+was evidently trouble ahead. Matters were approaching a crisis with him.
+He had little or nothing to say. In fact, he was doing his best, as he
+afterwards admitted, to keep his spirits up while he manfully struggled
+to keep material matter down.
+
+"Is it always as rough as this, Handy?" he asked in a plaintive voice.
+
+"Rough as this, eh, my bold buccaneer," responded Handy, cheerily;
+"rough as this? Why, there's scarcely a whitecap on the water. You ain't
+going to be seasick, are you? Well, at any rate, if you are, possibly it
+may be all for the best. 'Twill make a new man of you."
+
+"Maybe he don't want to be made a new man of," suggested the low comedy
+man.
+
+"Oh, cork up and give us a rest," appealed the Little 'Un, somewhat
+testily. "I'm all right, only I don't relish the confounded motion of
+the craft. First she rocks one way, then another, and then again she
+seems to have the fidgets, and pitches in fits and starts. I don't see
+any sense in it. Steamboats don't cut up such capers, at least, none of
+those that I've had any experience with."
+
+"Brace up, my hearty," said Handy, removing the briarwood from his lips.
+"Brace up. You'll feel all right anon."
+
+"Anon isn't half bad," again jocularly interposed the comedy gentleman.
+
+The wind was gradually freshening. There was by this time quite a sea
+on, and the Little 'Un was beginning to succumb to the influence of
+prevailing conditions. A sudden gust struck the _Gem_, and, yielding to
+it, the group that was sitting so contentedly a few seconds before about
+the companionway went rolling in a heap down to leeward in the cockpit.
+This was altogether too much for the Little 'Un. He picked himself
+together as well as he could, and doubled over the rail, Handy holding
+on to his extremities. It was a trying scene for a time, and Handy had
+the worst of it.
+
+"Steady there, now, old fellow, you'll feel all serene when you give up.
+There's no danger."
+
+A minute or so later the poor little chap was taken from the rail as
+limp as a wet rag, and was stretched out on the deck with a coil of rope
+for a pillow.
+
+"When you get me on a snap of this kind again," he began in a feeble
+voice, after he had somewhat recovered, "you just let me know. No more
+water adventures for me. I know when I have had enough. Dry land for
+mine hereafter."
+
+Handy endeavored to console and cheer him up, but in vain. The poor
+sufferer was completely used up. He had yielded his gross receipts to
+Neptune, and would, at that particular moment, have mortgaged his
+prospects in the future to have been able to set foot on terra firma.
+With some little difficulty Handy and one of the crew succeeded in
+getting him below and stowed him away in a bunk.
+
+The wind increased during the night, and by two in the morning it was
+blowing a half-gale. The _Gem_ was trimmed down to close reefs, and all
+but the crew and Handy had turned in--but not to sleep. Handy, who was
+an experienced sailor, remained on deck all night. He was never away
+from his post. He was as good a sailor as he was bad as a financier.
+This speaks volumes for his abilities as a mariner.
+
+The night passed over without mishap, and shortly before sunrise the
+wind gave evidence of going down. There was, however, a high sea
+running, and though the little craft behaved nobly and was skillfully
+handled, yet to men unaccustomed to go down to the sea in ships calmer
+weather would have been acceptable. Daylight dawned at last. Later the
+sun made his appearance, red and fiery, looking as if annoyed at the
+capers old Boreas had been cutting up during the night. The wind went
+down as the sun rose higher, and long before noon all was calm and
+peaceful. The spirits of the company were restored. As the morning
+passed jokes and merriment helped to dispel the unpleasant experiences
+of the storm of the previous night. Handy's good humor was particularly
+conspicuous, as he had a cheerful word for all. His spirits were as
+buoyant as the craft that bore his troupers.
+
+At breakfast--or after breakfast, rather--the momentous question rose as
+to where the next stand should be made. The company had already tested
+its ability as well as the forbearance of two audiences, and
+financially, if not artistically, came out fairly well. It is only fair
+to admit, however, not one individual member of the troupe made what is
+designated as a personal success. There was now money in the treasury,
+and plenty of confidence to go with it. The consensus of opinion,
+however, appeared to be that "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was a little too risky
+to repeat. It was admitted that _Eva_ was not what might be described as
+a howling success. Moreover, the boxes that did duty for ice floes were
+fortunately, or unfortunately, left behind on the golden sands of Long
+Island. In addition to that, the artist who performed the dog act and
+who as a barker in Coney Island might be considered clever in a way was
+now as hoarse as a second-hand trombone from a third-rate pawnshop let
+out for hire to a broken-down German band. An hundred and one
+difficulties were interposed against the further presentation of the
+well-worn old drama. It was finally decided that _Uncle Tom_ should be
+relieved from duty, for the present at least, and the play and the
+public given a rest.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+     "I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land."
+     --JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY
+
+
+The main point to be decided was the selection of the town in which the
+next exhibition should be made. Various places were named, their
+resources summed up, and the peculiarities of the inhabitants canvassed.
+None of them seemed to the assembled wisdom of the company to fill the
+bill. Handy apparently appeared to take slight interest in the
+deliberations, but his active brain, notwithstanding, was at work. He
+was considering the situation, and quietly letting his companions
+ventilate their views before offering his. At length the exchange of
+opinions reached the stage when the sage deemed it was proper to speak.
+
+"Eureka!" he exclaimed, "I have it."
+
+"Suffer us not to remain in ignorance," urged the comedian. "Do not
+dissemble--enlighten us."
+
+"Newport!"
+
+"Newport!" they all repeated in surprise.
+
+"Newport!" Handy replied calmly, and the company looked at each other
+and then turned their gaze on Handy.
+
+"He's off his base," said the dwarf. "Why, we wouldn't take in money
+enough to pay for the lights. Newport! Great Cæsar's ghost!"
+
+"We'll never get out of the place alive," volunteered the dog-man.
+
+Handy merely smiled as he listened to his companions' objections, but he
+was firm in his resolve to have his way.
+
+"Newport, my friends," began Handy, complacently, "is our mutton; and
+when I explain my reason for the selection I think you will concede the
+wisdom of my choice. Society, or the blue blood of the country, as it is
+regarded by some, make annual visits about this time to Newport, to
+enjoy themselves and to be amused and entertained. We can give them an
+entertainment such as they have never seen before, and possibly may
+never see again. However, you never can tell. Anything and everything in
+the way of novelty goes with them. It matters not what it may be so long
+as it is odd, new, or novel. Remember, we live in a changeable,
+hustling, ragtime age. Coon songs are almost as popular with the best of
+them as grand opera, and more readily appreciated. If we don't surprise
+and amuse them I shall be very much disappointed. A tent show in staid,
+fashionable old Newport is an unheard-of undertaking, and we will have
+the honor, and, I may add, the profit of inaugurating the fashion.
+There's the rub. The very novelty and the boldness of the undertaking
+cannot, in my humble judgment, fail to appeal to these pleasure-seekers.
+Of course, we can hardly expect them to invite us to remain for the rest
+of the season. But let that pass. That's another consideration. It is a
+one night only racket, and trust me we'll do business. When they will
+have the--the a--well, call it pleasure of listening to that strenuous
+band of ours on parade, it will be the talk of the town. Mark what I
+say," and Handy smiled.
+
+"Good heavens, Handy, old man!" exclaimed the Little 'Un tremulously,
+"you are not going to let that band loose on the unsuspecting
+inhabitants, are you?"
+
+"Such is my fell purpose," he replied.
+
+"Is there a police force there?" queried the comedian; "for if there be
+you can hand me my divvy right now. Tie the _Gem_ up to the first rock
+we come to and put me ashore. No Newport for mine, thank you."
+
+"Say, what is the matter with all of you? Does the name of Newport faze
+you? Don't you know that human nature is the same the world over in all
+time and in all places, and that the venturesome fellow appeals to all
+classes--rich as well as poor? Let me tell you, boys, if you will stand
+by me in this deal I'll pull you through all right. Besides, the success
+of our Newport date--and in the height of the season, too--will be
+something to boast of when we get back to the Great White Way. It sounds
+big--some style about it, and, take it from me, boys, style is
+everything in our profesh just now. You may have no talent, and not be
+able to act even a little bit, but if you have style and cheek and put
+up a good front you can count on an engagement every time. That's the
+kind of stuff stars are made of now."
+
+Handy's matter-of-fact argument was sufficient. He carried his point.
+The company agreed to do Newport and take chances. It had previously
+been decided to shelve "Uncle Tom's Cabin." So that perplexing matter
+was settled. The important consideration, however, arose, what should
+they substitute. A variety of pieces were named, but no decision was
+reached. Handy's wonderful fertility of resource at length came to the
+rescue and brought forth, much to the amazement of all, "Humpty Dumpty."
+They had, it is true, no columbine, but a little thing like that did not
+trouble the irrepressible Handy.
+
+"Do not the annals of the American stage lay bare the fact," quoth he,
+"that on one occasion in Wallack's old theatre, when it was located
+downtown on Broadway, near Broome Street, in New York, during the run of
+John Brougham's brilliant burlesque, 'Pocahontas,' with the famous
+author himself in the cast as _Powhattan_, and Charles Walcot as
+_Captain John Smith_, the extravaganza was given for one night only
+without a _Pocahontas_. And the records say it was the most remarkable
+and amusing performance of its entire run."
+
+Plays with and without plots are frequently presented nowadays in many
+of our so-called first-class theatres, with players of no experience and
+little natural ability. The public accepts them because they are offered
+nothing better. But that's neither here nor there at present. In "Humpty
+Dumpty" they had a good standard name. Just old enough to be new.
+
+"It is true," Handy argued, "we have not the necessary stage equipment
+for a metropolitan production. The only thing we have, for that matter,
+is the name. That is enough for us, and we are going to do the best we
+can with it. Ordinary actors, together with all the necessary equipment
+of props and scenery, might be able to attempt a presentation of the
+famous pantomime, but it takes your strolling players, bred and brought
+up in the old stock school, to turn the trick without them."
+
+It was a lazy day on board the little vessel. There was no wind. The sun
+poured down his rays so fiercely that it was almost unbearable. It was a
+dead calm. All the sailing vessels within sight were motionless. Not a
+sound disturbed the monotony of the scene, save the distant beat of the
+paddles or propellers of an approaching or receding steamboat. Newport,
+the gay world of the summer metropolis of fashion, loomed up in the
+distance, looking as beautiful as an alliance of art with nature could
+make a favored location. This was the Mecca toward which those on board
+directed their eyes and thoughts.
+
+Evening came, and with it a refreshing breeze. Once more the _Gem_ was
+under headway, and shortly after sundown the little vessel was safely in
+port, her anchor dropped, and the sails snugly furled. As soon as
+everything was made shipshape on board, Handy and a member of the
+company rowed ashore to see how the land lay from a stroller's point of
+view as well as to select a site for the tent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+     "What strange things we see and what queer things we do."
+     --'TIS ENGLISH, YOU KNOW.
+
+
+It was the height of the season. The colony was alive with the wealthy
+and fashionable ones of the republic. Thousands of bright lights shone
+through the clearness of the purple night, and music filled the summer
+air with melodious sound. Life, apparently devoid of care, and pleasures
+with youth, beauty and excitement, were blended in harmonious ensemble.
+Handy took in the entire situation. He read, and read correctly, too,
+the constituency to which he was about to appeal. An ordinary theatrical
+company going there and hiring a hall, he concluded, would be nothing
+out of the usual run, and the chances are the performance would fall
+flat, stale and unprofitable. The possibility for the success of the
+tent, on account of its novelty, appealed strongly to his optimistic
+imagination. He was determined to carry the place by storm. A vacant lot
+close to one of the fashionable drives was secured for the scene of the
+thespian operations.
+
+"Here pitch we our tent," said Handy, "and don't you make any bloomin'
+error about it. 'Tis the boss place. Elegant surroundings; magnificent
+locality, easy to reach, and lots of room for carriages to come and go!"
+
+It may, perhaps, be as well to mention that the date selected for the
+entertainment was Saturday, just two nights ahead. For that same night a
+grand operatic concert was announced, under the patronage of an aspiring
+clique, in another part of the town. Good artists, though somewhat
+ancient, were billed to take part in it. The craze for the antique then,
+as now, had no such potency as may be positively relied upon.
+Well-seasoned age has its disadvantages. Fashion is ever capricious in
+the selection of objects for its recognition. So far as Handy was
+concerned, the operatic enterprise did not in the least disturb his
+mind.
+
+It was rather late when he got aboard. All hands, however, were on the
+look-out for him, anxiously awaiting his return. He briefly summed up
+the result of his work on shore; explained what he purposed to do, and
+concluded by impressing upon the members of his company the necessity of
+making all preparations with a view to rapid movements both before and
+after the performance.
+
+After all the others had turned in for the night Handy remained on deck
+cogitating over his plans and perplexing his brain over approaching
+futurities. At length he too stretched himself out for sleep. He was up
+with the sun. Like a celebrated statesman of bygone days, he was going
+to make the greatest effort of his life.
+
+By noon next day he received from the local printer the proof sheet of a
+bill of the play. It was a curiosity in its way, and a copy of it may
+interest the reader. It read as follows:
+
+                 THE INDEPENDENT THEATRE!
+
+          The Greatest Show of its Kind on Earth!
+
+                     FUN UNDER A TENT.
+
+                _On this Saturday Evening_
+
+    Will be presented for the first and only occasion,
+    Under the Distinguished Patronage of Everybody,
+    the Great Spectacular and Classic Pantomime
+    HUMPTY DUMPTY,
+
+       _By a company of well trained star artists._
+
+        The Only Show of its Quality in Existence.
+
+    Those who see the performance will never forget it.
+
+                 Secure Your Seats Early.
+
+    _By special request of a number of distinguished visitors the
+    performance will not begin until 8:30._
+
+            Carriages may be ordered for any hour.
+
+    Box sheet ready at noon Saturday, corner of Vanderbilt and
+    Astor Avenues.
+
+When Handy read the programme to his company they were so astonished
+they scarcely knew what to say. At first they appeared to regard it as a
+joke. Handy's manner betokened earnestness. His companions thought it
+best to withhold their curiosity and await further developments. Their
+manager they knew to be a man of action--a species of Oscar Hammerstein
+in embryo, with a blending of Wilkins Micawber and Mulberry Sellers
+mixed in.
+
+The company employed the afternoon in folding circulars and programmes.
+Handy himself was deep in the study of the élite directory, and under
+his direction a large number of envelopes were carefully addressed. The
+work went on systematically. Night at last arrived, and all hands
+enjoyed a respite from clerical labor. At nine o'clock the company went
+ashore, carrying with them their tent, costumes and properties--such as
+they were. It was a busy night on land, and their strenuous exertions,
+under the cover of darkness, accomplished wonders under Handy's
+guidance. It was next door to daylight when they got back to the ship to
+take a rest before the arduous work of the eventful day began.
+
+Before noon the canvas showhouse on the corner was the principal subject
+of conversation throughout the town. During the night the strollers had
+set up their tent, and there was scarcely a house in town in which they
+had not placed handbills and circulars announcing the coming
+performance. No matter where an inhabitant wandered one of the "Humpty
+Dumpty" programmes was sure to be found. The people at first glance
+regarded the announcement with some degree of doubt, but the appearance
+of the tent, with the flags flying, dispelled that fear. The tent seemed
+to have got there by magic. Like the palace of Aladdin, it had sprung
+into existence during the night. Its appearance excited curiosity and
+provoked gossip, and the announcement of "Humpty Dumpty" was a puzzle.
+With the most unparalleled nerve messenger boys were dispatched to the
+fashionable cottages with circulars soliciting patronage and inviting
+attendance, and a considerable number of the cottagers, attracted by the
+novelty of the undertaking, concluded it would be a good joke to go to
+see the extraordinary show.
+
+"We'll paralyze 'em," said Handy to his fellow-players, as they were
+grouped together on the stage preparing red lights, which he proposed to
+use as a species of illumination. "Wait until I let the band loose in
+the streets, and if it don't fetch 'em, well, I'll quit the business."
+
+"Handy, methinks we made a bloomin' blunder," remarked the Little 'Un.
+"We ought to have billed the town for a week."
+
+"A week?" queried the property man in some surprise. "Why so, may I ask,
+my noble critic?"
+
+"Well, to be frank with you, because if we did, methinks after once or
+twice having made acquaintance with our band, 'tis dollars to doughnuts
+they would have substantially staked us to leave town."
+
+Handy looked at the speaker with a glance of mingled cynicism and humor,
+and turning to the treasurer inquired, "How is the advance sale?"
+
+"Ninety-seven and a half dollars," replied the secretary of the
+treasury.
+
+"Good enough! We're away ahead of expenses now."
+
+At eight o'clock there was some excitement noticeable down near the
+water convenient to one of the avenues. A few minutes later and the
+band, led by Handy, came forth. As the musicians marched the crowd
+increased. Up the principal street the strollers paraded, preceded and
+accompanied by a crowd of urchins and curiosity seekers. People came to
+the doors to look and hear, and many windows had their occupants. The
+streets were crowded, and by the time the band reached the tent it was
+fairly well filled. It might be as well to say that the majority of
+those who went to witness "Humpty Dumpty" did so for the pure fun of the
+thing, and determined to have the lark out. There was no orchestra, for
+the orchestra was the band, and the band had to do the acting.
+
+The curtain went up somewhere about the hour announced. Had poor dead
+and gone G. L. Fox, the original _Humpty_, and the greatest pantomimist
+of the American stage, been living and among the audience, he could not
+have failed to enjoy the performance. It is impossible to describe it in
+detail.
+
+After a brief period the most friendly relations were established
+between the people before and beyond the footlights. Remarks full of fun
+and humor were freely exchanged. Handy played _Humpty_, and introduced
+by way of variety a breakdown that, in the manipulation of his legs,
+would have made Francis Wilson grow green with envy. Smith was the
+_Pantaloon_, and obligingly entertained the audience, by special
+request, with the song of "Mr. Dooley," in the chorus of which the
+audience joined with vigor. The song is not new, but Smith's particular
+version, as well as his vocal rendition, was. The dwarf, who posed
+somewhat as a magician and sleight-of-hand man, undertook for some
+reason or other to attempt the great Indian box trick. Two gentlemen
+from the audience were invited to come on the stage to tie the performer
+with a rope. This was a most unfortunate move. Two well-known yachtsmen,
+and good sailors to boot, saw the chance for additional fun, and
+accepted the invitation with alacrity. They set to work and knotted the
+little man so tightly that he yelled to them, for heaven's sake, to let
+up. The audience could restrain itself no longer with laughter. It was
+plainly to be recognized that the show was fast drawing to a close.
+
+"Stand him on his head," spoke some one at the rear of the tent.
+
+"Pass him along this way, my hearties, and we'll take a reef in his dry
+goods," cried out someone else.
+
+"We won't do a thing to him," chipped in a third humorist in the center
+of the tent.
+
+The tent was convulsed with laughter and merriment had full swing. It
+was indeed a most remarkable performance, and the best of good nature
+prevailed. At the moment when the hilarity was at its height a commotion
+was heard outside of the tent. The band, or a portion of it, burst forth
+once more in the street with the most discordant sounds mortal ears ever
+heard. This brought the performance on the stage to a close.
+
+"I would never have been able to get them out of the tent," explained
+Handy afterwards, "only for my letting the band--that is, the worst
+portion of it--loose on the outside."
+
+To make a long story short, as the saying goes, the poor players cleared
+over three hundred dollars by the night's show, while the distinguished
+artists who gave grand opera in homeopathic doses in another end of the
+town sang to almost empty benches. Handy told no untruth when he
+announced on the bills that "those who witnessed the performance will
+never forget it."
+
+Years have rolled by since this company of poor strolling players
+attempted "Humpty Dumpty" in Newport, but the memory of that night still
+remains green in the minds of many.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+     "He employs his fancy in his narrative and keeps his recollections
+     for his wit."
+     --RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN.
+
+
+A more delightful morning than that which followed the night of the
+strollers' eventful performance it would be difficult to imagine. It was
+the Sabbath, and the spirit of peace seemed to exercise its influence
+all around. The sun shone brightly; a gentle breeze diffused its cooling
+power, and the surface of the water was calm and placid. The graceful
+yachts riding at anchor were decked as daintily in their gay bunting as
+village maidens celebrating a fête. There was little of active life
+afloat or ashore. Those on board the pleasure craft presented an
+appearance different from that which characterized their movements the
+days previous. It was, indeed, a day of rest.
+
+Among the fleet of pleasure craft lay the _Gem of the Ocean_. She was
+not a comely craft; her sides were weather-beaten, and her general
+appearance homely and unprepossessing; but the same waters that bore the
+others bore her. In her homeliness she presented a strange contrast to
+her surroundings. In the composition of those who were her occupants
+there was still greater difference. The men who trod the decks of the
+yachts were seekers after the pleasures of life, while those on board
+the _Gem_ were engaged in the hard struggle to win bread for the loved
+ones who were miles and miles removed--living in want, perhaps, yet
+hoping for the best and for what expectancy would realize. The one set
+comprised the lucky ones of fortune--the butterflies of fashion; the
+other the strugglers for life--the vagabonds of fate. Yet these
+vagabonds had homes and mothers, wives and children, to whom the rough,
+sun-browned, coarsely clad men of the _Gem of the Ocean_ were their all,
+their world, and on the exertion of whose hands and brain they depended
+for food, raiment, and shelter. These poor strolling players had
+homes,--humble, it is true,--but still they were homes, which they loved
+for the sake of the dear ones harbored there.
+
+The forenoon was spent in letter writing. How eagerly these letters were
+longed for only those who hungered for tidings from absent loved ones
+can explain. There is a magic influence in these silent messengers.
+Freighted with consolation, joy, or sorrow, they are anxiously awaited.
+How much happiness do they not bring into a home when laden with words
+of tenderness and affection! Home! ah, he is indeed no vagabond who has
+a home, however modest, and dear ones awaiting to welcome him when he
+returns, tired and weary with his struggle in the race for advancement.
+
+Before midday the occupation of the morning was completed, and after a
+hearty meal the company gathered aft to pass away the time and talk over
+the past as well as to ventilate the prospects for the future. They were
+enjoying one day's rest, at least. Seated in the companionway was Handy,
+the high priest of the little organization.
+
+"Do you think, gentlemen, on mature reconsideration," began Handy, "we
+might take another shy at 'Uncle Tom,' and do business?"
+
+The subject was thrown out for general discussion. The Little 'Un was
+the first to respond. He had been an _Uncle Tommer_ for years, and his
+views consequently on the matter were regarded with consideration.
+
+"Gentlemen," he commenced, "the 'Uncle Tom' times are dead and gone. The
+play has had its day. To be sure, if it was resurrected and put on with
+what might be called an elaborate presentation, with a phenomenal cast,
+it might catch on for a brief spell. Of course, the cast would be an
+easy enough matter to get, as casts go. Stars nowadays, such as they
+are--Heaven save the mark!--are more plentiful than stock. But let them
+rest at that. I have known the time when there were as many as fifty
+_Uncle Tommers_ on the road--all doing well, if not better. There were
+no theatrical syndicates in those times to limit the enterprise and
+energy of the aspiring though poor and ambitious manager. 'Uncle Tom'
+audiences were different from those who attended other theatrical snaps.
+There was so much of the religious faking mixed in with the old piece
+that it caught the Sunday-go-to-meeting crowd and drew them as a
+molasses barrel will draw flies. That class of people reasoned that
+'Uncle Tom' wasn't a real theatre show--it was a moral show. What fools
+we mortals be? Didn't some poor play actor say that, or did I think it
+out myself? Well, no matter now. But don't the newspapers tell us that
+there was a big bunch of people in New York City at one time who used to
+flock to Barnum's Museum, which stood opposite St. Paul's Church, on
+Broadway, and how they'd scoop in the show there simply because old
+Barnum called his theatre a lecture-room. It was the lecture-room racket
+that caught them. The old showman was a cute one--slick as they made
+'em. When the museum burned down, didn't he go to work and sell the hole
+in the ground the fire made to James Gordon Bennett, the elder, founder
+of _The Herald_, and got the best of the famous editor in the sale into
+the bargain. Ah, those were the good old times!"
+
+"The palmy days of the drama, I suppose," interjected Handy.
+
+"Palmy fiddlesticks!" laughingly chimed in one of the group.
+
+"Oh, joke as you may, boys, but I am giving you the straight goods,"
+continued the Little 'Un, handing out a little bit of reminiscent news
+of days gone by that will never be duplicated.
+
+"He's dead right. Speakin' of those days," added Smith, "I remember well
+the times gone by in the old Bowery Theatre on certain gay and festive
+occasions to have seen as many as seventeen glasses of good old
+Monongahela whisky set up in the green-room and not a man took water
+when called upon to do his duty. They have no green-rooms any more. But
+let me tell you that's where the managers of the present day take their
+cues from, for those after-performance first-night stage suppers that
+are frequently given for the entertainment of the principal players, a
+few select friends, and a big bunch of newspaper scribes. On the stage,
+mind you, not in the green-room, for the green-room is now a thing of
+the past."
+
+"Were you in the old Bowery shop then?" inquired Handy.
+
+"Was I? What! Well, I should smile! You know me. Say, you may talk of
+the realistic drama of these degenerate days--why, they aren't one, two,
+nine with the shows of days gone by. Oh, you may laugh about stage
+realism and chin about real race-horses in racing scenes, and real
+society women to play real ladies, real burglars to crack unreal
+property safes, and real prize-fighters to do their prize-fighting
+fakes, in addition to attempting to act, but let me tell you fellows
+that the managers who are gone never missed a trick when they had to do
+a realistic stunt."
+
+"Well, you ought to know, Smith," said Handy.
+
+"Why, hang it, man alive! they did everything in the show business as
+good then as they do now; and what's more, they didn't have to import
+actors from abroad nor send over to the other side for stage managers to
+teach the company how to act. Was I in the old Bowery in them days? Was
+I? Sure, Mike! I went in there as a call-boy. Let me see--when? Oh, yes,
+I remember. It was the season that 'The Cataract of the Ganges' was
+brought out. Yes, sir, and they gave the 'Cataract' with real water,
+too, and make no bloomin' error about it either!"
+
+"Oh, come, come there, old man! Draw it mild. Don't pile it on too
+thick," interposed the doubting Thomas of the party and the most
+juvenile member of the troupe. "We can't stand all that. We are willing
+to swallow the whisky in the green-room, but water on the stage--oh, no!
+that's a little too much of a good thing. Why, my gentle romancer, the
+Croton water pipes weren't laid in the city in them days. Then how the
+mischief could they give the waterfall scene? With buckets, tubs, or
+with a pump--which? or with all three combined?"
+
+For a moment the speaker was nonplussed for an answer. He felt
+embarrassed, and looked so. He was about to make reply when another of
+the company who, by the way, was an old-timer like himself, boldly came
+to the rescue.
+
+"He's right," boldly asserted the new contributor to the conversation,
+"dead right. I remember the stunt myself."
+
+It may be as well to state that Smith's veracity about theatrical things
+in general was not what it should be. His stories never could keep
+companionship with truth. He had so ingenious a manner of prevarication
+that he actually believed his own tales. If what Smith at odd times,
+when he happened to be in the vein, related of himself was true, then he
+might be credited with having acted in nearly every city this side of
+the Rockies and have supported all the great stars. He was closely
+approaching his fiftieth year, yet he maintained he had participated in
+the principal theatrical productions of a generation previous, with the
+most reckless disregard of probabilities. He seemed to have no
+appreciable estimate of time or place when relating his marvelous
+experiences.
+
+"Yes, sirree," said Smith, "I can call the turn on that trick. Why, the
+thing is as fresh in my mind as if it only happened last night. Maybe
+you don't believe me. Well, every man is entitled to his own belief, but
+let me explain how I remember it so well."
+
+"Fire away! We're all attention."
+
+"Well, it happened in this way. I was engaged in the old National
+Theatre in Chatham Street at the time when the 'Cataract' was brought
+out, and it made old man Purdy, the manager, so hoppin' mad to think
+that his Bowery rival should get the bulge on him with a scene like the
+waterfall that he determined to see Hamblin and go him one better. Now
+what do you think he did?"
+
+"Put on the piece with two cataracts," innocently suggested Handy.
+
+"No, he didn't put on no two cataracts either," replied Smith, somewhat
+indignantly.
+
+"Well, then, be good enough to let us know how he got square."
+
+"He went to work and announced the production of 'Ali Baba and the Forty
+Thieves,' with forty real thieves in the cast. How was that for
+enterprise, eh?"
+
+"Great! Were you in the cast?" inquired the low comedy gentleman.
+
+"Nit! I wasn't of age then. You can't be legally a criminal under age.
+Don't you know there's a society for the protection of crime?"
+
+"Excuse me. No reflection, I assure you. I did not intend to be
+personal. I was merely trying to find out how the old man filled out his
+cast."
+
+"Well, my boy," replied Smith patronizingly, "think it over a minute,
+and you will realize that the morals of the old days were in no respect
+different from those in which we now live. Thieves, then as now, were a
+drug in the market, and the City Hall stood precisely where it stands
+to-day. Thieves in those times frequently masqueraded as grafters."
+
+"Smith," said Handy, "you take the cake," removing the briarwood from
+his mouth to knock the ashes from the bowl preparatory to loading up for
+a fresh pull at the weed.
+
+It was in this harmless manner the afternoon was allowed to slip by in
+the exchange of yarns. Many strange and comical experiences were related
+by the happy-go-lucky little group.
+
+The shades of evening began to fall before there was any perceptible
+lull in the gossip. The past was being rehearsed and made food for the
+present. How often do we not recognize that men live over again their
+past in recalling their experiences in the dead years that have passed
+away for ever! How fondly do they revive old memories, though many of
+them perhaps were associated with pain and sorrow! The poor players
+lived their lives over again in the stories they exchanged on the deck
+of the _Gem of the Ocean_ as she lay at anchor off Newport that peaceful
+Sunday evening.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+     "Every one shall offer according to what he hath."
+     --DEUT.
+
+
+All hands, at Handy's request, turned in early, as he was determined to
+make an early start down the Sound. He had not yet decided where his
+next stand should be. The selection lay between Stonington and New
+London. If fortune continued to favor him he felt confident of
+accomplishing something worth seeking for in either place. There were
+certain reasons, however, why one of them should be steered clear of;
+but Handy's memory as to names was somewhat vague, so he resolved to
+sleep on the thought before he determined on his course.
+
+Handy was the first man up and stirring next morning. The others,
+however, were not far behind. The wind was favorable and the indications
+were all that a sailor could wish for. After a hearty breakfast the
+anchor was weighed and the _Gem_ was once more under way, with all sails
+set. The Little 'Un was somewhat timorous and apprehensive of a
+repetition of the trouble that overcame him the night before they played
+the Long Island town on the circus man's paper, but he appeared to be
+satisfied by Handy's assurance that it never stormed on the Sound in the
+daylight. His looks indicated that he had doubts as to the truth of the
+assurance.
+
+The run down the Sound was uneventful. There was no one sick on board,
+and all were in a cheerful mood when they came to anchor in the Thames
+River, off New London, the town in which Handy finally determined next
+to try his fortune. The company had been out at this time nearly two
+weeks. Though all its members were strong and hearty, their sunburnt
+looks and somewhat dilapidated apparel did not contribute to the
+elegance of their personal appearance. Most of them looked like
+well-seasoned tramps. Handy recognized this. He also knew that though
+the Nutmeg State was at that time regarded as a paradise of tramps, the
+inhabitants did not, as a rule, take kindly to the knights of the road.
+This may be uncharitable and unchristianlike, but people have got to
+accept the situation as they find it.
+
+No one went ashore until after nightfall. Then Handy and Smith made a
+landing in the small boat, and surveyed the situation. An available
+vacant lot was picked out. Ascertaining there was to be an agricultural
+fair there the following Thursday, that night was selected for the
+Strollers' next effort. On the prospectors' return to the vessel a
+council of war was held, at which the plan of operations and course of
+action were freely discussed.
+
+"It won't do," said Handy, "to try them on 'Uncle Tom,' and I hardly
+think they'd stand for 'Humpty Dumpty' as we give it. I've been here in
+the good old summer days before many a time and oft, and I am conversant
+with the kind of audience we've got to stack up against. On mature
+reflection, I have come to the conclusion that a variety or vaudeville
+entertainment this trip will be most likely to appeal to their
+sensibilities. Song and dance, imitations of celebrated histrionic
+celebrities, coon acts, legerdemain exhibitions, the famous Indian box
+trick, and----"
+
+"Easy there," interrupted the dwarf. "Who's goin' to do the box trick?"
+
+"Why, you, of course," replied Handy.
+
+"Not on your life. Count me out on that stunt, Mister Manager. New
+London is a seaport town. There are vessels in port and sailors on
+shore. My Newport experience has taught me a lesson. The sailor men
+there tied me up so darned tight that you'll never get me to undertake
+any such job as that again within a hundred miles of seawater."
+
+"But----"
+
+"No buts about it. I know when I've had enough. Skip me."
+
+"Then I'll do the act myself," retorted Handy, with a slight exhibition
+of feeling.
+
+"K'rect, old man. You're welcome to the stunt. I pass every time when
+there's any rope-tying business in a seawater town."
+
+"Smith, you can give them a banjo solo, do a clog dance, and afterwards
+wrestle with your celebrated imitations you know so well, and do so
+badly, of John Drew, Dave Warfield, Nat Goodwin, Sarah Bernhardt, and
+Sir Henry Irving."
+
+"But I never saw Irving or Bernhardt," interposed Smith.
+
+"Neither did the audience. What's the matter with you? And for a wind-up
+you can give them a stump speech, and I'll bill you as Lew Dockstader,
+second. We have got to make up our programme, please remember. If you
+don't want to take a shy at Dockstader, name someone else equally
+prominent. It's all the same to me. When I do that Indian box trick I
+propose to bill myself as Hermann XI. Darn it, man, we have to have
+names! This company, bear in mind, is made up of an all-star cast."
+
+"All right then, say no more," said Smith.
+
+"Say," continued Handy, addressing the ambitious young man of the
+troupe, "don't you think you could manage to take off Billy Crane? And
+give them some exhibitions of his genius in scenes from his many-sided
+repertory, and we'll star you on the bills."
+
+"Excuse me," replied the comparatively juvenile and promising artist,
+"but might I inquire who is going to look after my wife and the kid if
+that New London congregation should tumble to the joke? No, sir. Mr.
+Crane, permit me to inform you, is a fearless and experienced yachtsman;
+every hair in his head, nautically speaking, is a rope yarn. He is, as
+well, a good actor, and New London is a yachting port. Not on your life!
+Billy Crane is too well known here, so in justice to my physical welfare
+I must decline the honor of being so presented."
+
+"Well, gentlemen," returned Handy somewhat dejectedly, "these
+unseasonable, frivolous, and unbusinesslike objections are really
+disheartening and unworthy of a conscientious member of the histrionic
+calling. Let me tell you that you are the first actor I ever heard of
+ever having declined the distinction of being elevated to the position
+of a star. In the words of the immortal bard, 'Can such things be and
+overcome us like a summer's dream without our special wonder?' Go to.
+Were it not that my hair is red and I have no suitable wig--and what
+would Sweet William be without a wig?--I'd do Crane myself."
+
+After further discussion on minor details the programme was arranged for
+Thursday night. The next day posters were in evidence all through the
+town. The fair grounds were literally strewn with handbills. Handy was a
+great believer in printer's ink, and he used his paper with a lavish
+hand. The show was announced for two nights--Thursday and Saturday. The
+variety entertainment was billed for Thursday night, and "Pinafore,"
+with an all-star cast, was promised for Saturday evening. The company
+had no knowledge about the "Pinafore" scheme. When Handy was questioned
+about it, he satisfied his questioners with the assurance that it was
+all right, and he would explain matters later on. His assurance was
+sufficient. The company knew their man.
+
+Wednesday night the tent was put up. That day Handy succeeded, for a
+consideration, in inducing the country band that played during the day
+at the fair to perform a like office for his show at night, and do the
+duty of an orchestra for the performance.
+
+The afternoon of the day of the show an unexpected storm loomed up,
+which threatened the enterprise with destruction. It seems that Handy
+had visited New London before with a somewhat similar venture, and had
+been compelled by financial circumstances which he was unable to control
+to depart the town in a hurry, leaving behind him an unpaid printer's
+bill. Now a slight omission of that character very easily escaped
+Handy's memory. The printer, on the contrary, being a thoughtful man, on
+finding that Handy was the manager of the new all-star theatrical
+outfit, made his appearance with the sheriff and a writ of attachment.
+For a time the aspect of affairs was anything but cheering. The printer
+was as mad as the traditional hatter. Fortunately the sheriff, who was
+an old Bowery man in days past, and a pretty decent and sympathetic kind
+of a fellow, discovered in Handy an old acquaintance, and magnanimously
+came to the rescue and volunteered to help him out of his difficulties.
+The kind-hearted official guaranteed the payment of the printer's bill,
+to be taken out of the first receipts that came in at the box office.
+This arrangement being mutually agreed upon, the preliminary work
+progressed actively.
+
+The night brought a crowd, composed mainly of the country people who had
+attended the fair. It was the biggest, best natured, and most easily
+entertained audience a theatrical company ever played to. There were
+more bucolic auditors gathered together in the tent than the troupe had
+seen previously. Handy had the country band well in hand. He made them
+play down the main street and parade up to the tent. Then he got them
+inside and astonished his auditors with such a liberal manifestation of
+music that those present could not well decide whether they had come to
+listen to a concert or have an opportunity to see the real "theayter"
+actors. Handy evidently was determined to furnish them with music
+sufficient to last them until the next Fair day. The band played so long
+that the town element among the audience became somewhat unwelcomely
+demonstrative.
+
+The curtain at last arose, and the variety portion of the entertainment
+began. The tent was well filled,--the front rows of seats being
+unpleasantly near the stage. The minstrel act in the first part was
+something unique and original. The country people took it seriously, but
+the town contingent, recognizing the fake element, started in to indulge
+in guying the performers. This incensed the countrymen. They had paid
+their good money to see the show without being subjected to annoyance
+from the town fellows. One particularly strenuous young New London dude
+had his derby smashed by an excited rustic who determined that his
+Phoebe Ann should enjoy the entertainment even if he himself had to make
+peace by teaching the city chap the way to behave himself and keep
+quiet. He evidently meant business and apparently had many friends who
+were not only ready, but willing, to assist him.
+
+All the acts were short--very short--and between each of the acts there
+was more music by the band. At length the performance was brought to a
+close. Before the curtain fell Handy came forward, and, after thanking
+the audience heartily for the magnificent attendance and generous
+support, announced that on Saturday evening he would have great pleasure
+in presenting, providing negotiations in contemplation were perfected,
+for their consideration, the melodious and tuneful grand comic opera,
+"Pinafore," in the presentation of which the company would be reinforced
+by several valuable additions, who were expected to arrive early on
+Saturday from the Metropolitan Grand Opera House.
+
+"Great Scott--'Pinafore!' You don't mean to say," asked a friend a short
+time after hearing of Handy's moving adventures by land and water, "you
+had the nerve to attempt 'Pinafore' with your small band of strolling
+players, eh?"
+
+"Play 'Pinafore'!" replied the irrepressible Handy, with a smile. "Of
+course, not. Never intended to. You see this was the situation; and the
+man who isn't equal to the position in which he places himself is bound
+to come out at the wrong side of the account book, when he is compelled
+to settle up. The 'Pinafore' announcement was for the edification of the
+New Londoners. I recognized the fact that the country people in their
+innocence and goodness of heart would take kindly to the entertainment
+we had prepared for them, but for the town chaps it was an altogether
+different proposition. When I announced 'Pinafore' I felt satisfied they
+would defer their energies and lay low for the 'Merry, Merry Maiden and
+the Tar,' determining to have a little fun of their own kind with us on
+Saturday; but after the performance we struck tent and by early morning
+we were once more out on the Sound for fresh fields and pastures new."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+     "One man in his time plays many parts."
+     --AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+
+If the "boys" of New London looked forward to having a good old summer
+time with Handy and his all-star company the following Saturday evening,
+they were wofully out in their reckoning. Though "Pinafore" was
+announced with due managerial formality, perhaps somewhat ambiguous, for
+that particular occasion, when the time for presentation arrived there
+was not a vestige of either tent or performers. After the entertainment
+on the night of the fair the company went aboard the _Gem of the Ocean_.
+Handy alone remained ashore. As he had been manager, advance and press
+agent, and principal performer, he concluded to add another to his many
+responsibilities and become night watchman. The tent, stage properties,
+etc., had to be guarded, and he undertook the duties of guardian.
+
+"Let no one turn in until I get aboard," said he to Smith, "and you row
+ashore in an hour's time. Mind, don't be later than that, and you
+needn't get here sooner. Tell the boys I have some work for them to do
+before they lay down to rest. Take a bite and a sup and join me here in
+an hour."
+
+The two men parted; one with his companions for the boat at the end of
+the pier and the other to play the part of watchman over his outfit. A
+few of the town chaps lingered in the neighborhood of the tent.
+
+In the country, as in the city, it is remarkable what a fascinating
+influence players exercise over young fellows who are ambitious to be
+regarded as the knowing ones regarding everything appertaining to the
+playhouse. How glibly the beardlings of the twenties or thereabouts will
+use the names of actors with whom perhaps they have never exchanged a
+word, in the silly belief they are raising themselves in the estimation
+of their auditors. It is an odd conceit, yet it prevails with the
+would-be fast young men of the present day. To hear some of these
+mollycoddles prate one who was not acquainted with their weaknesses
+would imagine these chaps were on intimate terms with players--who, as a
+rule, are slow to cultivate new acquaintances, attend strictly to their
+own business, and do not particularly relish that particular class of
+hanger-on. No man knew this type better than Handy. However, he never
+antagonized them. That he considered would not be wise policy. He
+good-naturedly humored them with much superficial gossip that really
+meant nothing. His good nature never forsook him, and he always had his
+temper well under control. He knew to a nicety the side his bread was
+buttered on. That happy-go-lucky disposition of his stood him in good
+stead many a time, and his free-and-easy manner of drawing people out
+frequently served as an aid to determine his future course of action.
+The limited exchange of conversation he had with the loungers satisfied
+him that he was right in his estimate that there would be a hot time in
+the old town on Saturday night if he remained. Finally the last dallier
+had his say, and, after an exchange of cordial good nights, departed.
+
+Smith was at this time about due, and as he was noted for his
+promptitude, he was on hand to keep his date when the hour expired.
+
+"What's the lay now, Handy, old man?" inquired Smith, as he joined his
+manager.
+
+"Only this, and nothing more," replied the veteran melodramatically.
+"There's blood upon the face of the moon, an' blow my buttons, if your
+Uncle Rube is going to supply the gore. See!"
+
+The answer was not altogether satisfactory, and Smith apparently was
+unable to grapple with the problem. It puzzled him; but then Handy
+himself was at all times more or less of a conundrum to him.
+
+"Now then, bear a hand, send the boat back and get the company ashore as
+speedily as possible. We have a few good hours' work on hand before we
+turn in."
+
+Smith made quick time, and it was not long before the members of the
+all-star combination began to materialize out of the obscurity of the
+night as noiselessly as shadows.
+
+"Say, boys," began Handy, in a low tone of voice confidentially, "we
+move to-night, and I want you to strike tent, pack and get everything
+aboard without delay. I'll explain all later on."
+
+"Move to-night!" repeated Smith. "Don't we play here Saturday night?"
+
+"Nary a play," responded the manager.
+
+"But you announced 'Pinafore' from the stage!"
+
+"Of that fact I am well aware," replied Handy, "but don't you know that
+'Pinafore' is an opera, and let me further inform you that
+disappointments in opera are quite the regular thing. In fact, an
+impresario cannot get along legitimately, my boy, in grand opera or in
+fact any old kind of opera, without disappointments every now and then.
+The public expect operatic disappointments. They come naturally, and
+sometimes come as a godsend. You never can tell when a particular opera
+is announced what you are going to get."
+
+"Then why don't you substitute something in place of 'Pinafore?'" meekly
+suggested the Little 'Un.
+
+"Pardon me, my unthinking friend, but you lose sight of the fact that
+substitutions are always unsatisfactory, if not positively dangerous.
+Besides, they are strong evidences of weakness. We are nothing if not
+strong and resourceful. Suppose I substituted 'Faust,' for instance, and
+announced it with Melba as _Marguerite_, and suppose again that the
+famous Astralasian prima donna caught an attack of the American grip
+that same afternoon, it would hardly do to substitute Marie Cahill or
+May Irwin to take her place, that is, provided we could have induced
+either of those distinguished artists to become the great diva's
+substitute. Oh, no! 'Tis out of the question. But, come, get a move on
+you. Let us be just to a public that has treated us well."
+
+The members of Handy's company were under good discipline. They were
+satisfied that he had valid reasons for this sudden change of base, and
+therefore, went cheerfully to work. Handy himself started for the
+water-side, and after a brief absence was once more among them, doing
+the work of two men and encouraging his companions by energetic action
+and example. Their task was accomplished without the aid of light save
+that which was afforded them by the bright stars overhead. It was an
+hour before dawn when everything was placed on board and the tired
+strollers had gone below to court the rest and repose they both longed
+for and needed.
+
+"Let her swing out in the stream away from the dock, captain," ordered
+Handy, when they were ready to start. "The tide is nearly flood and we
+can drop down the river with the first of the ebb. We can get outside
+early and then determine where next we'll make for."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied the skipper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+     "Originality is nothing more than judicious imitation."
+     --VOLTAIRE.
+
+
+Next morning when the company appeared they were not a little surprised
+to find themselves far out to sea. The day was bright and all hands were
+in a cheerful mood. The first question asked of the energetic manager
+was "Where next?" He turned toward the inquirer and replied he never
+discussed business on an empty stomach when he had the opportunity of
+doing so on a full one.
+
+"Lay her course south by east, cap," was his brief order to the sailing
+master. "Rather fancy we'll run in somewhere near Oyster Bay--where,
+I'll tell you later on."
+
+When breakfast was served ample justice was done to the repast. Here, be
+it said, the company lived well. The best the market afforded was not
+too good for them. Handy was as capable a judge of a beefsteak as any
+man on the boards, and he bought the best. His companions knew it, and
+were willing at all times to go with a commission to the shop.
+
+"Were you ever in the market, governor?" inquired the Little 'Un at the
+close of the meal.
+
+"Yes, sir. I have frequently been in the market," was the prompt reply,
+"but like many other willing and anxious individuals somehow or other,
+no one ever reached my price."
+
+"Oh, I didn't mean that, old man. I simply meant were you ever employed
+in a meat market, for that was as nice a piece of steak as I ever
+tackled, it was so tender and juicy. Unless a fellow was a judge he
+never could have picked out such a choice cut."
+
+"Oh, I did not quite comprehend you! I now catch on. Well, you all, of
+course, know that I served in the army and----"
+
+"I told you," whispered Smith, in a humorous aside, "he was a butcher."
+
+"And, as I was about to remark, I had much experience in the
+commissariat depart----"
+
+"Say," interposed the Little 'Un, who had frequently been an unwilling
+and tired listener to very many of Handy's well-worn war stories, "are
+you agoing to ring in a war story on us, old pard?"
+
+"Well, I was merely about to explain that in keeping with my army
+experience that----"
+
+"Nuff sed," remarked the dwarf, rising from his seat. "Good morning!"
+
+"Some other morning" echoed Smith, and he too rose from his seat.
+
+"Me, too. Ta ta! Tra la la!" lilted the light comedy man, as he pushed
+his empty plate to one side, and one by one the remainder of the
+Pleiades rose in solemn silence before Handy had time to realize that
+his war stories were away below par among the members of his company.
+
+Handy remained alone for some time below, probably turning over in his
+mind the problem of the next venture, and then went on deck. He found
+his companions taking things easy in free and easy positions aft. It was
+a forenoon to satisfy every desire of those who love the open air. The
+wind was light--a nice sailing breeze--and the sun was not too warm. Few
+words were spoken, save inconsequent remarks now and then on some
+passing sail. The monotony of the situation was finally broken by the
+manager, as he proceeded to unburden himself of his intentions for the
+next entertainment.
+
+"Our next move will be to play Saturday night, that is, to-morrow, in
+one of these little towns near by on the Long Island shore, and with
+that performance bring our tour to a close, return to the city, get a
+few more good people and lay out a new route. We have done fairly well,
+all things considered, on this trip, and we can afford to strengthen our
+organization and give the public something better, if not stronger. The
+pieces we have been presenting are rather ancient,--almost too
+classic,--though I must admit we offered them in a somewhat original
+manner. We must, however, keep pace with the times--be up to date. The
+simple life is all very fine in books, but, my friends, 'tis the
+strenuous life that produces the stuff. Excuse slang, but it is much
+employed nowadays, and vigorous emphasis is used even by the most
+refined. If we don't get new attractions I am afraid we may have to
+resort to giving away souvenirs. Souvenirs have, in their day, had all
+the potency of a bargain counter in a popular department store well
+advertised. Personally, I do not take kindly to the souvenir business.
+It isn't professional."
+
+"That's all right," conceded Smith, "but an old piece frequently becomes
+new when you subject it to unique treatment. Now, for example, I don't
+think anyone has any kick coming at the original manner in which we gave
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin' and 'Humpty Dumpty.' No one ever saw them so
+presented before. Of course, if we had one of these modern Shakespeares,
+that the commercial managers keep on tap, we could have a piece written
+for us while we were under way to the next night stand. But that's out
+of the question. I would like, in common with the rest of the push, to
+know what is going to be our next offering."
+
+"Let me see. Just a moment's pause," replied Handy thoughtfully. "We
+might do a bit of a tragedy if we had the props, but we haven't got
+them. Besides, the trouble with most tragedies, as a rule, is the long
+cast, and in addition they do not give a compact all-star organization
+such as ours a chance to show what we really can do. We gave them our
+version of _Uncle Tom_ nearly two weeks ago; and outside of Brooklyn, I
+conscientiously believe that once a year is often enough for the
+remainder of Long Island. On mature consideration, therefore, I have
+come to the conclusion that our best offering would be a minstrel grand
+opera concert entertainment. We have made an impression in that
+direction, and I am in favor of that which will sustain the reputation
+we have so admirably earned."
+
+"Who's going to sing the solos, old man?" asked the Little 'Un. "You
+know, boss, the boys ain't much on the sing. They can work along all
+right with a good strong chorus when they once get started and warmed
+up, but when it comes down to the fine single throat work I am afraid
+we'll get in the soup."
+
+"He's dead right," put in Smith, "the single singing--solos, I believe
+they call them--in the first part will be a hard nut to crack. We can't
+give a minstrel show without a first part. They'd never believe we were
+operatic minstrels without it, even if we didn't black up."
+
+"Hold! Enough!" cried Handy, in his favorite Macbeth voice. "You make me
+a bit tired with this kind of baby talk. Haven't you fellows got common
+sense enough to know that it is not absolutely necessary to have a voice
+to be a singer? Suppose a singer once had a voice and lost it, would
+that be a good and sufficient reason for him or her to get out of the
+business? How many of them do it, eh? It is just the same with the
+singing trade as it is in our overcrowded profession. How many of the
+so-called actors that inundate the stage quit the boards when they
+know--if they know anything--they have no talent for it. You fellows
+give me a pain. Voices and singing! Pshaw! I'll fix all that! I'll give
+a couple of you good high-sounding Eyetalian names, and I'll announce
+you as hailing from the Royal Imperial Conservatory of Stockholm, and
+I'd like to see the Long Island jay that will say you couldn't sing,
+even if you had as little music in your voice as the acrobatic star of a
+comic opera company."
+
+"And now will you be good?" playfully chirruped in Smith.
+
+"Now, Nibsy, you will have to tackle a solo; and as you are to be
+announced as a foreigner, you must treat your audience to something
+different from anything they have heard before. As you will sing it, of
+course, none of those present, with, possibly, the exceptions of a few,
+will undertake to understand what you are driving at. A few will pretend
+they do--there are know-alls in every audience; the majority will take
+their cue from them, and that will settle the matter."
+
+"I tumble. But might I ask if you have any choice in the operatic
+selection."
+
+"No; none in particular, only that you must avoid any of the very
+familiar airs from 'Faust,' 'Trovatore,' or 'Lohengrin.' These great
+works have been so hackneyed by frequent repetitions at the Metropolitan
+Opera House and Hammerstein's, and Sunday sacred concerts, that they
+have been worn threadbare and become as commonplace as 'Mr. Dooley' or
+'Harrigan.' Now let me think. Ah, yes! Have you heard that comparatively
+new opera by Punch and Ella called 'Golcondo?'"
+
+"Search me. No."
+
+"Well, then, I don't think the audience have either," replied Handy, "so
+your first solo will be from that delightful composition!"
+
+"And for the encore, what?"
+
+"The last part over again, if you can remember it, and we'll help you
+out in the chorus."
+
+"Say, can't you let me know the name I am going to honor? And, by the
+way, there's one thing more I wish to be enlightened on. Will it be
+necessary for me to speak with a foreign accent before the show, in case
+I come across any of the inhabitants of the town before I go on?"
+
+"Oh, no! That is not absolutely necessary. Don't you know that many of
+the Eyetalian opera singers in these days are Irish, some are English, a
+big bunch are Dutch, Poles or Scandinavians, and quite a sprinkling of
+them Americans. No, it isn't essential to use the accent in private. You
+will be announced as Signor Nibsinsky!"
+
+"Is that an Eyetalian name?"
+
+"Oh, Nibs, don't be so specific. Nibsinsky is as valid a name as any
+artist might select to adopt. I give it the Russian smack because of my
+Russian proclivities."
+
+"Say no more, old man. Let it go at that."
+
+"So far as the chorus is concerned, we know where we stand and what we
+can do--and the audience will before the show is over. As for jokes and
+funny business--they are easy. But, say, we ought to ring in a couple of
+instrumental solos. The banjo, of course, will do for one. It is new,
+because it is very old. So that's all right. For the other--now, let me
+think. By Jove, I've struck it! Little 'Un, you can do a violin solo in
+great shape."
+
+"What! Me do a violin solo," answered the dwarf. "Why, you know very
+well I can only play a little bit, and only in an amateur way. Oh, no!
+Oh, no! Not this trip."
+
+"Easy there, my festive fiddler. Easy there, and loan me your ear. I'll
+arrange that all right. You will be announced as a pupil of the great
+Ysaye, and of course, being a pupil of that wonderful magician of the
+violin, you must start in with a classical selection from one of those
+old masters. Which of them there's no use wasting time over. They won't
+be recognized. Then when it comes for you to get in your classic work,
+all you've got to do is to play as crazy as you can, bend your body, hug
+your fiddle, make your bow saw wood over the strings, look at times as
+if you were going into a trance or a fit, do any blame thing that may
+appear eccentric--for that, you know, is one of the characteristics of
+genius and originality--and you'll catch the crowd every time."
+
+"But, say, Handy, what about the wig?"
+
+"Oh, that's all serene. We've got it. You don't for a moment imagine I
+would have you go on as a star fiddler without a bushy head of hair! Not
+much. As the poet sings--'There's music in the hair.'"
+
+"That settles it. My mind is easier now."
+
+"But that's not all. When you get through with your classical gymnastics
+on the instrument, I will come down to the front and announce that you
+will kindly give an imitation of an amateur player wrestling with 'Home,
+Sweet Home.' There will be your great opportunity. The worse you play it
+the more successful you will be, for, don't you see, you will be closer
+to nature. I think that will be a great stunt. Don't you, boys?"
+
+They all thought it would be immense; at least, so they said. The Little
+'Un himself fairly chuckled with glee at the prospects of being an
+amateur virtuoso of the fiddle, even for one night only. The remainder
+of the programme was quickly made up. One or two brief sketches and a
+rather rough and tumble arrangement for the close, which the
+enterprising managers designated as "The Strollers' Melange," completed
+the night's entertainment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+    "All places that the eye of Heaven visits
+    Are to the wise man ports and happy havens."
+    --RICHARD II.
+
+
+By midday the _Gem of the Ocean_, aided by a favoring wind, made good
+time and Handy determined to run in to a convenient little cove near
+Oyster Bay. He knew the locality and felt satisfied that if he had his
+usual share of luck he could make good and therefore add something to
+the company's treasury. By one o'clock the anchor was dropped and he and
+Smith made a landing and both started to do the usual prospecting. They
+were successful beyond their expectations. The little town which they
+proposed to honor with a visit was not far from the water. A small grove
+and a hill shut it out from a view of the Sound. The main road ran down
+to a narrow inlet which served as a kind of harbor for fishing boats,
+oyster sloops and clammers. Handy's well-trained eye lighted on an
+eligible site for the tent. It was a nice level plot with a fence about
+it. A good-natured Irishman named McGuiness owned the property, and
+Handy lost no time in opening negotiations and getting on his right
+side.
+
+"An' yez want the use of the lot for a concert minstrel entertainment?"
+inquired the proprietor.
+
+"Yes," replied Handy, "and for to-morrow night."
+
+"An' yez are going to give the show under the cover of a tint?"
+
+"That's about the size of it."
+
+"Have yez got the tint?"
+
+"We have, and the show that goes with it, and what's more, after you
+have witnessed the performance you'll say it is the best that ever
+struck the town. Moreover, I want you to bring your whole family with
+you and have seats in the first row for all of them."
+
+"Well," said McGuiness, "I don't mind lettin' yez have the use of the
+lot, an' I'll do all I kin, in a quiet way, to help yez along, but
+there's one thing I want to be afther tellin' yez, an' it is this, that
+I'm thinkin' there will be the divil to pay whin Mr. Dandelion finds out
+there's going to be a minstrel entertainment here."
+
+"How's that?" inquired Handy, "and who is Mr. Dandelion?"
+
+"He's a very dacint kind of man, as min run at present," replied
+McGuiness, "even if he is a Methodist preacher, but he hates showmin
+like snakes. He don't seem to want the young people to have any fun or
+amusement at all, at all, shure. That's why I'm afraid he will raise
+ould Harry when he finds yez here. An' then again, don't yez see,
+there's a fair goin' on in his church, an' to-morrow is to be the big
+day, and iv yez are goin' to have your show to-morrow night, don't yez
+see he may think you would draw off some of his customers? Well, I don't
+go to his church, God help me, so yez kin have the use of the ground.
+But looka heer. Whisper, if it's all the same to you, don't put up the
+tint till after nightfall. I'll see yez again. I'm goin' home now," and
+Mr. McGuiness walked slowly up the road.
+
+"Smith, me boy," spoke Handy, as soon as Mr. McGuiness was out of
+hearing, "we have struck a bonanza. Are we in it? Well, this is the best
+ever! Say, old fellow, when that sky-pilot casts his eyes on that tent
+of ours to-morrow morning there will be something doing about these
+diggins, and don't you forget it. Why, the amount of advertising he will
+give the show will do us more service than if we planted twenty acres of
+posters all over the fences that adorn the smiling landscape of this
+peaceful and prosperous community. Let us go aboard at once. The main
+biz is done. It's a dead sure cinch, Horatio."
+
+No move was made on board until ten o'clock. The place was then as still
+as a country church-yard, and scarcely a light was to be seen in any of
+the houses when Handy and his company took possession of the lot and
+began the preliminaries for the following day's operations.
+
+A few hours of energetic work and the tent was set up, and later on the
+stage properties, costumes and musical instruments were all safely
+lodged under the cover of the canvas. Two of the organization remained
+on guard and the others returned to the _Gem_.
+
+The unexpected appearance of the tent next morning took the inhabitants
+completely by surprise. No one could tell how it got there. Like a
+mushroom it came up overnight. The farm-hands on their way to work
+halted to look it over; the oystermen and clammers on the way to their
+boats loitered near the spot to inspect it, and by nine o'clock most of
+the boys and girls within a mile of the place spread the news broadcast
+that there was an actors' show in town. About ten o'clock the news had
+reached the dominie, and half an hour later he was in consultation with
+the leading lights of his congregation. The consensus of views induced
+them to call upon Mr. McGuiness. The tent was on his property, and he,
+they concluded, when appealed to would no doubt order the trespassers
+off. They considered it an abomination, from their standpoint, for him
+to permit show-actors to offer an entertainment, and more especially on
+the last day of the church fair, when a numerous gathering was expected.
+A committee was accordingly appointed to wait on Mr. McGuiness, but
+unfortunately that gentleman was nowhere to be found.
+
+At two o'clock in the afternoon Handy gave a free concert in front of
+the tent. The audience, it is needless to say, was not a critical one
+and was easily pleased. When it was over and the energetic manager
+announced a display of fireworks in the evening, both before and after
+the performance, there wasn't a youngster within the sound of his voice
+who did not spread the cheering information far and wide. Those who came
+to attend the fair in the little church performed that duty early in the
+afternoon and afterward arranged to visit the tent show of the actors
+later on in the evening. The display of fireworks was not what one might
+expect to witness at Manhattan Beach in the height of the season, when
+that popular resort was swept by ocean breezes and when the renowned
+Pain was there, but there was sufficient red fire burned to light up the
+surrounding country. There was a crowd outside and when the doors were
+opened there was a rush for seats.
+
+The house or tent was filled in a short time, and the audience was
+treated to a polyglot entertainment of the most remarkable character.
+Nibsinsky's Eyetalian selections were listened to with some degree of
+attention and a considerable measure of perplexity. He could not be
+considered a success and no inducements could compel him to repeat the
+performance. But these things will occasionally happen even with some of
+the latest edition of stars! Ysaye's musical prodigy made some
+extraordinary exhibitions with his classical contortions, but his
+imitations of an amateur violinist with "Home, Sweet Home" won the
+approval of all present and brought down the house. It was voted the
+best thing of the whole show. The familiar choruses too pleased the
+young folks, so much so that they all joined in and had a jolly time.
+The grown people laughed heartily over all the threadbare jokes that
+were given, and which have been passing current in every minstrel show
+and country circus from the days of Dan Rice down to Lew Dockstader.
+
+"It was, I have an idea, the worst show we ever gave," declared Handy a
+few days after while speaking of it, "but the people seemed to like it.
+Just as it is in New York, it is a difficult matter to strike public
+taste. That's what makes the manager's life like unto that of a
+policeman's--not a happy one. The people who paid to see the show made
+no complaint, and I don't think that I should."
+
+"Do you think the dominie's opposition hurt your entertainment much?"
+
+"Hurt it! Not in the slightest. On the contrary, I believe it benefited
+it. His opposition advertised the entertainment, and, by the way,
+advertising is another of these vexed problems most difficult of
+solution. I felt I owed his reverence something for what he
+unintentionally accomplished in our behalf, so how do you think I got
+square with him?"
+
+"That's too much for me, old chap," answered his friend. "How?"
+
+"Well, the next day was Sunday, and before we got away I called on Mr.
+McGuiness, to return him thanks for the way he treated us. 'Mr.
+McGuiness,' said I, 'you have been kind and generous to my little
+company of players, who are doing their best to make an honest living in
+their own peculiar way. I now come again to you to ask that you do me
+one more favor.' 'What is it?' said he. 'It is this,' said I. 'Will you
+accompany me to call on the dominie? He helped me with his opposition
+last night, and I want to get square with him if I can.' McGuiness
+hesitated. 'Oh, don't fear,' I assured him. 'I mean no harm. The fair at
+the little church, I learned, was to swell the fund that's being raised
+to help the widow and orphan. I want you to go with me to ask the
+dominie to accept the offering of a few poor strolling players to
+increase the fund.' McGuiness thrust his hand toward me, but said
+nothing. I could see he was affected, for there was a watery look in his
+eyes. We walked together in silence down the road until we reached the
+little church."
+
+"And the dominie?"
+
+"He met us like a man. And when I explained my errand, and handed him
+our little dole, and turned as if to leave, big, good-hearted McGuiness,
+his voice somewhat affected by his feelings, said, 'Howld on a minnit; I
+don't know, dominie, what he's givin' you, and what's more I don't care,
+but you can count on me, dominie, for double the amount.'
+
+"I don't know when I felt so happy, as I walked down to the shore,
+between the dominie and McGuiness, for I felt we had done an act that
+men might well feel an honest pride in, while we made two men friends in
+that little village who might otherwise have remained estranged."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+     "There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
+     dreamt of in your philosophy."
+     --HAMLET.
+
+
+The sun was making a golden set behind the skyscrapers of Manhattan as
+the _Gem of the Ocean_ tied up to a wharf in the East River. The cruise
+was at an end. Taken as a whole, the venture had been successful. Those
+who embarked in it were once more back in sight of the great city, with
+lighter hearts and heavier pockets than when they left not quite a month
+before. All had had an agreeable time, and, what was of more importance,
+a profitable experience. Anxious ones were awaiting them. The strolling
+players, contrary to the practice of many of their guild who start out
+on similar ventures, did not return empty-handed. They had practical
+results to vouch for and explain their absence. Their endeavors had not
+resulted in all work and no pay. If they had anxious moments and at
+times hard work, they had their recompense and earned their reward, and
+there were homes in which assistance was needed. They were solicitous,
+too, to hasten to the cherished ones who were waiting to welcome them,
+for strange as it may appear to the unthinking, the poor players who
+fret and strut their brief hours upon the stage have homes--homes that
+they prize beyond aught else and which to many of them are perhaps more
+dearly prized than is the marble palace by the millionaire. No one knew
+this better than Handy. He therefore lost no time in bringing his craft
+into port.
+
+"We can't complain, boys," he exclaimed, "after all is said and done, of
+our undertaking. Here we are again under the lee of the big city, with
+money in our pockets and our homes close at hand. You are not sorry you
+took the chances," he continued, as the company gathered together before
+separating. "May good fortune always smile upon enterprise."
+
+"Amen!" responded Smith, who regarded that ejaculation as the proper
+climax to his manager's peroration.
+
+In half an hour the company were all ashore, each member homeward bound,
+and possibly turning over in his mind the many eventful episodes of the
+trip preparatory to relating them to those who might question them about
+the exploit. Stories of this character lose nothing by repetition.
+
+Handy and his fellow-craftsmen had not been home a week when their
+adventures became the talk of the town, especially among the theatrical
+fraternity. As usual in somewhat similar cases, every impecunious player
+became desirous of immediately starting out upon the uncertain sea of
+theatricals. They reasoned that if a man like Handy could succeed, why
+could not they also turn the trick? Could they not even improve on his
+tactics? Of course they could! Were they not, they argued, better actors
+and had they not more experience as managers? Of course they were, and
+had! Where Handy had made twenties and fifties, might not they pick up
+hundreds? Of course there could be no doubt on that score. All this kind
+of speculation in words, however, ended only in talk. Those who indulged
+in it were mere theorists--not men of action and active brain like the
+commander of the _Gem of the Ocean_ expedition, who put into execution
+his plans after he had well considered them.
+
+When the veteran made his reappearance on the Rialto he looked as if he
+might be at peace with all mankind. He had nothing worse than a smile,
+even for his enemies. But then his enemies were few. His proverbial good
+humor and honesty of purpose disarmed the envious. The influence of
+kindly smiles and generous impulses go further in this matter-of-fact
+world than many people are willing to acknowledge. A cheerful and
+encouraging word frequently helps in the accomplishment of a task which
+without its influence might fall flat. Handy's dominant quality was his
+uniform good nature. He rarely looked on the dark side of life. He, no
+doubt, knew what it meant, but he never paraded his hardships before the
+world or bored friends or acquaintances with the hard luck of his lot.
+At times he was blue--what man at odd times is not so?--but at such
+periods he veiled his heart, face, and feelings and drew the sunshine of
+a smile between his disappointments and the outside world. With such a
+disposition success, as a rule, is but a question of time.
+
+When he made his first appearance among his confrères his manner was a
+study. His face, from constant exposure in the sun, was bronzed and
+ruddy and his general get up was what his old friend Smith pronounced
+"regardless." In fact, Handy looked so well he scarcely recognized
+himself. He generally felt well, but to look the part and feel it is
+altogether a different proposition. His adventures with his all-star
+company had been so freely discussed in every haunt where actors most do
+congregate that inside of a week after the Pleiades returned the
+frequenters of the Rialto had the story by heart.
+
+The grand comic opera episode at Oyster Bay especially appealed to a
+number of Handy's admirers. There were several who intimated that he go
+right in for grand polyglot opera and try and get hold of the
+Metropolitan Opera House. He smiled knowingly at the suggestion, and
+furthermore gave his volunteer advisers to understand that, in his
+estimation, that institution was under the control of much more
+accomplished fakers than his ambition aimed to reach. Besides, he
+reasoned, he was not the kind of man to attempt to take the bread and
+butter away from some other fellow. "My policy," said he, "is to live
+and let live; and if you cannot get enough people with the long green,
+as they call it, to at least guarantee the rent for the sake of art,
+fashion, and display--or as the English song puts it, 'for England,
+home, and booty'--the next best thing to do is to buy, borrow, or beg a
+tent and start out and go it alone in the open."
+
+One evening as Handy was on his way homewards he accidentally ran across
+a friend who, as the saying goes, had seen better days, and who had at
+various times a widespread acquaintance with the ups and downs of
+theatrical life. This man's name was Fogg--Philander Fogg. In his way he
+was as much a character as Handy himself. The ways of each, though, were
+dissimilar. Fogg was what the Hon. Bardwell Slote would designate as a Q
+K (curious cuss). He on one occasion distinguished himself as an amateur
+actor, and barely escaped with his life in New Jersey for attempting to
+play _Othello_ as a professional. In person he was tall, very slim, very
+bald, slightly deaf, and as fresh as a daisy. He had a general and
+miscellaneous acquaintance. His friends liked him because of his
+inability to see a joke. The consequence was they had many amusing
+experiences at Fogg's expense. The gossip of the stage he cherished and
+cultivated. This made him a favorite with a large circle of female
+acquaintances who go in for all that kind of thing. People living, as it
+were, on the fringe of society, who lay the flattering unction to their
+souls that they are living in Bohemia, and they are never so happy as
+when they are settled in the company of some pseudo-player discussing
+the drama and ventilating the small talk of the stage.
+
+When Handy encountered Fogg the latter appeared in a hurry. There was
+nothing new in that, however. No one who had any acquaintance with him
+knew him to be otherwise. There are such people to be met every day and
+everywhere. He was a type.
+
+"The very man I was looking for," was his greeting, on meeting Handy. "I
+want you to help me out. Great scheme! I'll take you in. I'm in a great
+hurry now to keep an appointment. Important, very important! Where can I
+meet you to-morrow forenoon? How have you been? Are you up in
+Beausant--no, Col Damas, I mean? Don't you do anything until you see me!
+Can you get Smith to----"
+
+"Hold! Enough!" interposed Handy. "Fogg, what do you take me for? A mind
+reader or a lightning calculator? Now, then, one thing at a time! What's
+up?"
+
+"I am going to have a testimonial benefit, and I want you to manage the
+stage and play a part. Do you catch on?"
+
+"Business," answered Handy. "Anything in it, or is it a thank-you job?"
+
+"Why, my boy, there's a cold five hundred plunks in it. Society ladies
+on the committee. They will dispose of the tickets. One of them wants to
+act. I've promised to let her try and give her the opening. 'The Lady of
+Lyons' will be the play, and I will be the _Claude_."
+
+"Well, Fogg, may the Lord have mercy on the audience--as well as on
+_Melnotte_."
+
+"Oh, hold up, old chap. Don't be rough on a fellow. You know very well I
+have played much more difficult roles. Haven't I played _Hamlet_?"
+
+"You have, indeed," answered Handy, "and played the devil with him,
+too."
+
+"This is positively rude," replied Fogg, "and only that I am aware you
+mean no real unkindness I would feel very much put out. I know you don't
+really mean it."
+
+"Of course I don't. It was spoken in the way of fun. Now, let me know in
+what way I can help you and you can count me in. Business is business,
+old pal, and I know you will do the square thing."
+
+"There's my hand on it. Now I must be off. Meet me at my apartment
+to-morrow forenoon at eleven and we'll go over the details."
+
+"Count on me. I will be there. So long."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+    "Life is mostly froth and bubble;
+      Two things stand like stone--
+    Kindness in another's trouble
+      Courage in your own."
+
+    --THE HILL.
+
+
+Next forenoon, promptly at eleven o'clock, Handy was at Fogg's house. A
+ring at the door-bell was responded to by that gentleman in person. Half
+a minute later both were settled down in Fogg's Bohemian quarters, which
+consisted of a small reception-room and still smaller bed-chamber. The
+reception-room was not luxuriously furnished, but it was by no means
+shabbily equipped. A piano stood in one corner, a writing-desk placed
+close to the window, and a well-used Morris chair were the most
+conspicuous articles of furniture. Photographs in abundance were
+scattered all around on the walls, and on a table there were enough old
+playbooks to make a respectable showing in a second-hand book store. The
+two men had not been seated more than five minutes when the bell at the
+hall door was rung, and in an instant Fogg was out of his chair and on
+his feet.
+
+"What's the matter?" inquired Handy.
+
+"I guess," replied Fogg, "that's the committee. They promised to be here
+at this hour. Excuse me for a moment," and before Handy could say
+another word Fogg was half-way down the first flight of stairs. The
+noise of the opening and closing of the street door was heard, and then
+succeeded a buzz of female voices accompanied by a patter of feet on the
+stairs. Before Handy had time to prepare to receive visitors, the door
+opened and Fogg, his face lighted up with the broadest kind of a smile,
+made his appearance, and ushered in the committee, which consisted of
+five blooming matrons who were instrumental in talking up and arranging
+for the proposed complimentary benefit. The ladies were not young; in
+fact, it was a long time since they had been. But their hearts were
+juvenile and they themselves were sympathetic and generously inclined.
+Handy was duly introduced, and then the female philanthropists and
+lovers of art commenced the business which brought them there, somewhat
+after this fashion:
+
+"What a unique little snuggery you have here, Mr. Fogg," began one.
+
+"It is so artistic, don't you know, that it is too awfully sweet for
+anything," replied another.
+
+"Ah! there's one of the best photos I have ever seen of the divine
+Sarah. Where did you get it, Mr. Fogg?" added a third. "That one of
+Maude Adams is fair, and that of Mrs. Fiske there in the character of--I
+forget the name--does not do her justice."
+
+This medley of inconsequential conversation and chatter continued for
+fully half an hour without one word being spoken on the all-important
+subject they had presumably been brought together to arrange. They
+touched on everything theatrical, according to their lights, but that in
+which their friend was most interested. At length Fogg, in sheer
+desperation, broke the ice, and in a somewhat hesitating manner
+explained the way in which he had induced his friend, Mr. Handy, to be
+present at the conference and give them the benefit of his vast
+managerial experience and acknowledged histrionic ability in arranging
+the programme of the proposed complimentary testimonial. Moreover, Mr.
+Handy had postponed an important engagement in order that he might have
+the honor of managing the stage at the rehearsals as well as on the
+evening of the performance.
+
+The ladies were in ecstasies.
+
+"Oh, how charmingly delightful!" ejaculated the most rubicund of the
+committee. "And so you have finally determined, Mr. Fogg, on 'The Lady
+of Lyons' for the attraction."
+
+"Yes, ladies, I have. A determination with which I feel satisfied you
+all will concede. Revivals of well-known successful plays are rapidly
+coming into fashion, and it is well to keep up with the progress of the
+times. I might mention a number of old plays managers have in
+contemplation but as Shakespeare says--I think it was the sweet Bard of
+Avon that so expressed himself--'Sufficient for the day is the evil
+thereof.' That is why I have selected Bulwer's great romantic and poetic
+masterpiece--'The Lady of Lyons.' Besides, ladies, bear in mind it will
+afford Miss Daisy Daffodil a magnificent opportunity to appear as
+_Pauline_, a character, ladies, which has claimed the histrionic talents
+of many of the bright luminaries of the stage from the days of the
+glorious Peg Woffington to those of Leslie Carter."
+
+"How well, how touchingly, Mr. Fogg speaks, and what a fund of valuable
+and truthful information he has entertained us with," said Mrs.
+Doolittle, the chairman of the committee. "A better selection than 'The
+Lady of Lyons' could not have been made, and what a splendid opportunity
+it will be for dear Daisy to show off that light blue watered silk of
+hers. It is so suitable to her complexion."
+
+"Yes, dear," responded the lady sitting near her, "but will it light up
+well? I am given to understand that the electric light is most trying on
+blue. Now, don't you think that----"
+
+"No, I do not, my dear. Pardon me, but I know what you were about to
+say. You were about to remark that----"
+
+"Ladies," said Mr. Fogg, rising to the occasion and in a polite manner,
+"will you kindly excuse me when I venture to suggest that the matter of
+toilet is a thing you can arrange between yourselves and the fair young
+star, let us proudly hope, that is to be. But as my friend here, Mr.
+Handy, is a very busy man and his time valuable, might I suggest that we
+get down to business?"
+
+"Quite right, Mr. Fogg," one of the ladies answered. "Let us amuse
+ourselves with business."
+
+"How many will the house hold, Mr. Fogg?" inquired Mrs. Doolittle, in a
+rather authoritative manner, thoroughly in keeping with her exalted
+position as chairman.
+
+"About eleven hundred," said Fogg.
+
+"Only eleven hundred!" exclaimed the stout lady.
+
+"Altogether too small."
+
+"Certainly it is," continued the weighty one. "The Metropolitan Opera
+House should have been secured."
+
+"Ladies," interposed Handy, "excuse me for buttin' in, but business is
+business, and that's the humor of it. Let me tell you, in all frankness,
+that if you can fill the house, take my word for it, as a man of some
+experience, you will have reason to congratulate yourselves on a great
+accomplishment. Bear in mind, ladies, that benefits are benefits, and
+that the theatre-going public take little or no stock in them. Unless
+you can rely on your friends coming up to the scratch--pardon me, I mean
+box office--and before the night of the show, mind you--you stand a good
+chance of getting it, as the poet touchingly tells us--I don't know what
+poet--where the chicken got the axe. Them's my sentiments!"
+
+Handy's review of the situation and his matter-of-fact way of placing it
+before the committee caused some agitation. At length Mrs. Doolittle
+arose.
+
+"Let me assure you, Mr. Handy, we have hosts of friends, and when they
+see our names on the programme they will be sure to come. Don't you
+agree with me, ladies?"
+
+"It would be real mean if they didn't," volunteered the heavyweight lady
+of the committee. "But I know they will."
+
+"Of course, ladies, you know best," replied Handy, "but my advice is
+sell all the pasteboards you can before the show, and don't depend any
+on the public the night of the show, when you intend to pull 'The Lady'
+off."
+
+Handy's practical admonitions and advice evidently were not appreciated
+in the spirit in which they were tendered. The ladies' stay after the
+episode was not prolonged. Mrs. Chairman Doolittle remembered she had an
+engagement in the shape of a pink tea, and must speed homeward to make a
+change of dress. The remainder of the committee considered that as their
+cue for departure, not, however, without reassuring both Messrs. Fogg
+and Handy that everything would be all right.
+
+Handy and Fogg were once more alone.
+
+"Well," said Fogg, "what do you think of it? A great scheme, eh?"
+
+"What's a great scheme? I pause for a reply!"
+
+"Why, the testimonial benefit, of course!"
+
+"Say, Fogg. Are you right in your head? Is your nut screwed on properly?
+Is this a joke? The ladies are all serene and mean well--but darn it,
+man! you don't mean to tell me that you believe there's five hundred in
+this snap?"
+
+"Why, certainly I do, and more."
+
+"Cents."
+
+"No. Please be serious. Dollars."
+
+"Well, let us get down to cases and figure it out. What'll be your
+expenses?"
+
+"Oh, 'way down. There's $75 for the house, dirt cheap--the ladies have a
+pull with the landlord; $65 for the orchestra; stage hands, $15;
+advertising and printing, $60; flowers, $20; costumes, $11.75; sundries,
+$10. How much is all that?"
+
+"Let me figure it up. Have you a pencil? Never mind, I have one. Well,
+that, my friend, foots up $256.75."
+
+"Why, that ain't much."
+
+"No. 'Tain't much for a Vanderbilt, but then, the Vans' ancestors put in
+some lively hustling in days of yore, and the Vans of the present day
+are now taking solid comfort and shooting folly as it flies out of the
+result of the old Commodore's hustling on land and water. An' now let me
+ask you, have you got the dough to go on with this great scheme of
+yours?"
+
+"Well, no, I haven't got the dough, as you call it, but I have the
+tickets, and the committee propose to sell them to their numerous
+friends. I tell you 'tis a dead-sure thing."
+
+"I notice in your expenses you allow nothing for your company."
+
+"The company have all volunteered. Most of them are amateurs."
+
+"And where does your humble servant come in?"
+
+"Why, I propose to make it all right with you out of my share."
+
+"Ye gods on high Olympus, look down on us in compassion and smile!"
+spoke Handy in the most tragic voice of which he was capable of
+employing. "Has it come to pass that a verdant experimentalist like you,
+Fogg, could intimate to a veteran of my standing that I should take my
+chances of remuneration from the proceeds of such a quixotic scheme? Go
+to, Fogg! I love thee, but never more be officer of mine." Then laying
+aside his serio-comic manner and assuming one that more easily
+appertained to him, he continued: "Fogg, old pal, I told you that you
+could count on me to help you out, and you can. I will manage the stage,
+but skip me on the acting. If the stuff comes in, I know you'll do the
+square thing. If the receipts are shy, well and good. You'll get left as
+well as I. Get the old girls to sell all the tickets they
+can--beforehand. Mind now, beforehand. Depend on nothing from the public
+for a benefit, and as for the night sale, it won't amount to a paper of
+pins. I've been there before, old man, and I know of what I speak. Let
+me tell you--some friends of mine once upon a time got up a benefit for
+a widow. They gave a good show, had lots of fun, but----"
+
+"But what?" inquired Fogg anxiously.
+
+"Oh, nothing! Only they landed the poor woman fifty dollars or so in
+debt. That's all."
+
+"Holy Moses!" was all the response that Fogg could make; but he
+evidently was doing a great deal of thinking. In this state of mind
+Handy left him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+     "Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time."
+     --MERCHANT OF VENICE.
+
+
+Within two weeks the preliminaries for the testimonial were arranged,
+the night appointed, and the tickets in circulation. The company, as
+intimated, was made up principally of amateurs. As they were to receive
+no remuneration for their valuable services they received about five
+tickets each free to sell or dispose of as they would among their
+friends. Through some unaccountable oversight, they neglected to
+specially mark or punch these complimentaries. This oversight led to
+serious embarrassment subsequently. The demand for tickets increased as
+the date for the performance approached, but none of the applicants
+appeared anxious to part with money in return for them.
+
+Strange as it may appear, there is a class of people--and a very large
+and numerous class, too, and one not confined to any particular locality
+or special grade of society--that will willingly spend double the price
+of admission for seats in one way or other for the sake of having the
+reputation of being on the free list of a theatre. This statement is not
+an exaggerated one. Had Mr. Fogg decided to manage the business details
+of his entertainment and suspended the free list, as he should have
+done, he might have fared better; but who can tell what the future has
+in store for any of us?
+
+It was with considerable difficulty the rent was raised, and that
+difficulty being overcome, everything looked bright to the sanguine
+Fogg, who was really a most optimistic individual, and rarely lost
+heart.
+
+At length the night of the great event arrived. All day Fogg had been as
+busy as a bee. He had been to see the costumer, perruquier, leader of
+orchestra, etc., and enjoined each of them to be on hand early. Handy,
+always prompt and businesslike, was on the stage at seven o'clock. A few
+minutes later Fogg himself appeared, almost exhausted with the onerous
+duties of outside management, but for all that as cheerful and as
+confident as any man of his peculiar temperament could be. One by one
+the different members of the company appeared, and by half-past seven
+there was the usual commotion and excitement behind the scenes always
+attendant on an amateur entertainment. All the members of the committee
+were on hand to encourage Mr. Fogg and congratulate him in advance on
+the prospects of a grand success. Handy, perceiving that the time for
+the rising of the curtain was approaching, crossed over to where Fogg
+was engaged in earnest conversation with Mrs. Chairman Doolittle, and
+suggested to that gentleman that it was getting near the time to ring in
+the orchestra, and that he had better go to his dressing-room and
+complete his make-up.
+
+"All right," said Fogg. "Please excuse me, Mrs. Doolittle. Mr. Handy, I
+will now leave charge of the stage to you. Ring in the orchestra at
+eight o'clock sharp. I'll be ready."
+
+"Correct," replied the stage manager. He then proceeded to take a survey
+of the front of the house through the peep-hole in the drop curtain. The
+house was filling up nicely, but, as Handy subsequently remarked, the
+audience had a peculiar look that did not recommend itself to the
+veteran's practiced eye.
+
+"How it is?" inquired someone at Handy's elbow. On his turning about he
+found it was his old friend Smith, of the _Gem of the Ocean_.
+
+"Hello, old pal! Well, I don't know how to size it up. There's a fair
+crowd, and if it is all money it's a good house. But it doesn't look to
+me like a money house. The people in the audience appear to be too well
+acquainted. They act as if they came to a picnic."
+
+"Can you blame them?" replied Smith, who had a very low estimate of
+amateur actors.
+
+"I guess I'll ring in the spielers. Time's up." Suiting the action to
+the word, he pressed the button. A few seconds later and a German
+professor with blond hair of a musical cut approached the prompt stand.
+
+"Ees dot Meister Vogue somewheres about here, I don't know?" he
+inquired.
+
+"In his dressing-room," curtly answered Handy.
+
+"Ees dot so? Veil, then, I am Professor Funkenstein, und mein men der
+money want before dot overture."
+
+"You're in a large-sized hurry, ain't you?" replied the stage manager.
+"Can't you hold on until the show is over? What's the matter with you?
+Don't you see the house we have?"
+
+"Mein freund, dot's all right. But mein men der money wants. Don't dink
+I'm a fool because I'm a German man. I my money wants, too."
+
+"Mr. Handy, why don't you ring in the orchestra?" spoke Fogg, who had
+just come from his dressing-room made-up for _Claude Melnotte_. Catching
+sight of the leader, he exclaimed: "What's the matter, Professor?"
+
+"The matter is, Meister Vogue, mein men der money wants before they goes
+out. Dot's vot's der matter!"
+
+For a moment Fogg gazed at the orchestra leader in surprise, and then
+indignantly declared: "This is simply outrageous! What do you take me
+for, sir?" Then turning to his stage manager: "Mr. Handy, have you got a
+slip of paper, in order that I may give this man an order on the box
+office? How much is your bill? Ah, yes, I remember--seventy-five
+dollars. Here, take this and go and get your money at the box office,"
+as he handed the order to the professor, who instantly made a hasty
+retreat through the nearest exit leading into the front of the house,
+Fogg disappearing at the same time in the direction of his
+dressing-room, to add the finishing touches to his make-up.
+
+By this time it was nearly twenty minutes past eight o'clock, and the
+audience had already begun to manifest indications of impatience.
+
+"Handy," whispered Smith, "I'm glad I came. If I am not greatly mistaken
+there will be a lively time here to-night. Mark what I'm telling you."
+
+Just then another individual approached the stage manager and inquired
+for Mr. Fogg. He introduced himself as Mr. Draper, the costumer, and he
+was anxious to see the star of the evening, to "put up," as he expressed
+himself, for the costumes before the curtain went up. At this stage of
+the proceedings Fogg, now fully dressed for the gardener's son,
+appeared. He was immediately buttonholed by the costumer for the amount
+of his bill.
+
+"After the performance, when we count up, my dear Mr. Draper," pleaded
+Fogg, in his most insinuating way.
+
+"After nothing. Now, now!" emphatically declared Draper. "What do you
+take me for? I'm no sardine. You pay now, or by chowder! you can play
+'The Lady of Lyons' in your shirt tails! You promised me the stuff in
+the afternoon."
+
+The audience by this time had become restless and somewhat
+demonstrative. To add to the complications, Professor Funkenstein
+reappeared in a most excited frame of mind. He had been to the box
+office, but the bill-poster had anticipated him, and had threatened to
+clean out the ranch if he didn't get his money. The treasurer, who was
+an amateur, settled immediately with the knight of the pastepot to save
+the house from destruction. After the box office man had settled with
+the bill-poster there was only $5.25 in the drawer. That was at once
+secured by the florist in part payment on account of flowers that were
+to be presented to _Pauline_. The florist had been given the tip by the
+bill-sticker, and he got the balance of the cash on hand by also
+threatening to inaugurate the cleaning-out process.
+
+The uproar in the front of the house increased. The stamping of feet,
+the beating of canes on the floor, and the catcalls in the gallery made
+terrific disturbance.
+
+"You're a sweendler, Meister Vogue!" exclaimed the excited orchestra
+leader.
+
+"I'll make it all right with you in the morning, sir," replied Fogg
+indignantly, "and I wouldn't have your contemptible Dutch band to play
+for me now under any circumstances. Please call the people for the first
+act, Mr. Handy. I'll show you. We'll play the piece without your music."
+
+"And you'll play it without costumes, too," interposed Mr. Draper,
+"unless I get my money."
+
+"An' begor, yez'll play it wid only sky borders and wings, iv I'm goin'
+to get left," yelled the stage carpenter. "Murphy, run off thim flats."
+
+By this time poor Fogg was nearly out of his mind. Surrounded by a
+number of excited creditors behind the curtain, and frightened by an
+uproarious, turbulent, and noisy audience in front, the unfortunate
+fellow recognized in his bewildered condition that he would have to go
+before the curtain and dismiss the public. But what explanation could he
+offer? His friends were there to witness his humiliation. He wrung his
+hands in despair, wished he had never been born, and mentally resolved
+never again to accept the tender of a benefit. Handy watched him
+intently, and in his heart felt genuine sorrow for the sad predicament
+in which the poor fellow had placed himself. Touching Smith on the
+shoulder, he walked back on the stage, his friend following him.
+
+"Smith, this is a hard case. It makes me feel sad, and we must manage
+somehow or other to get the unfortunate devil out of the hole. This is
+the worst ever. Do as I tell you, but be careful and let no one get on
+to you. You noticed that small bottle of red ink on the prompt stand.
+Get it quietly, and let no one see what you are at. Be very careful. We
+must devise some way of pulling him through. It's a big risk, but I'll
+take it. That's all. Go now and take your cue from me."
+
+Things were growing from bad to worse on the stage, and the commotion
+and disorder in front of the curtain were increasing. Handy moved down
+among the excited crowd that surrounded Fogg, and got close to him.
+Smith, after exchanging a knowing glance with Handy, also edged his way
+into the group.
+
+"Great Heavens! Fogg, my dear fellow!" suddenly exclaimed Handy, seizing
+him in an alarmed manner, "are you ill? What's the matter?" Then in a
+hasty whisper he said: "Act now, d----n you! if you never acted before.
+Go off in a fit, drop and leave the rest to me."
+
+"Oh, nothing, nothing!" replied Fogg, with a strange stare. Then looking
+wildly about him, he uttered a weird scream and fell in a heap on the
+stage. In an instant Handy was on his knees beside him. So was Smith,
+and before any one could realize the situation, the bottle of red ink in
+his hand had dexterously performed its office over the mouth of the
+prostrate actor.
+
+Bending over him, Handy whispered: "Keep still! and act out your fit and
+I'll pull you through." Then addressing those about him, he said: "Will
+some one of you gentlemen kindly fetch a glass of ice water and a little
+brandy? This is a bad case, I'm afraid. A serious affair. Send for a
+carriage. He must be removed to his house at once and a doctor called
+in. Poor fellow, the strain was too much for him. Ah, and by the way,
+will one of the gentlemen be good enough to go out in front of the
+curtain and explain to the audience the sad mishap which has befallen
+our esteemed friend? Please break it mildly in the announcement. The
+chances are it won't prove fatal, but I'm no doctor, so my say don't go
+for much. Poor old chap!"
+
+It was not without difficulty that the man who volunteered to quell the
+storm in front could get a hearing from the audience. At last he
+succeeded, and after he explained the suddenness and severity of the
+attack, the storm subsided and the people went quietly out.
+
+On the stage poor Fogg lay stretched out, Handy supporting his head. He
+was a sight. His mouth was liberally marked with Smith's home-made
+blood, for the carmine had been generously though dexterously employed.
+Everyone expressed sympathy for him. Handy, with the assistance of
+Smith, succeeded in getting him to his feet and managed to get him to
+the stage door in his _Melnotte_ garb. Mrs. Doolittle's carriage was
+outside waiting, and he was assisted into it. As Handy was about to
+follow, Fogg leaned over and whispered in his ear: "For the Lord sake,
+Handy, bring my street clothes from the dressing-room, or I'll never be
+able to leave the house." Handy pressed his hand, Smith went after the
+clothes, and the three then drove to Fogg's home, and the carriage
+returned to the theatre for the lady chairman.
+
+"Well," said Handy, when within the safety of the star's quarters, "I've
+played many parts in my varied career, but this one is the limit. It
+beats the deck. Fogg, you will have to keep the house for a week, at
+least; then go and rusticate for another week, but above all things, for
+heaven's sake don't recover too hastily!"
+
+"Oh, bless my soul!" remarked Fogg, as he surveyed himself in the
+mirror, "you have ruined Draper's _Melnotte_ blouse. What the blazes did
+you inundate me with that confounded red stuff for?"
+
+Handy looked at him seriously for a minute, and then replied: "There's
+gratitude for you. Ah! well, it's the way of the world all over. Help a
+man to get out of a scrape, and do you think he will appreciate your
+meritorious act? Not even a little bit, and the chances are he will
+begin to find fault with your manner of saving him. Darn it, man! that
+fiddler, costumer, and stage carpenter would never have swallowed an
+ordinary, common garden, every-day fit, but when they saw the gore, the
+blood-red gore, they caved-in. It was a demonstration in red, and it did
+the work. And now, then, when you are going to have your next
+testimonial you can get someone else to manage your fits. Come, Smith.
+Good-night, Fogg!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+    "Come what, come may,
+    Time and the hour runs through the roughest day."
+
+    --MACBETH.
+
+
+Never be it said that fate itself could awe the soul of Fogg. Next day,
+when Handy called on him, he found his irrepressible friend preparing to
+saunter forth. That he failed to appreciate the humiliation of the
+previous evening there was not the slightest reason to believe. His
+restless spirit, however, was too strong to compel him willingly to
+remain indoors. He was nothing, if not active. In fact, he was miserable
+unless when employed in some optimistic scheme. No matter how
+impracticable it might appear to others, he invariably perceived a means
+to circumvent its difficulties. He believed in taking the biggest kind
+of chance on the smallest possibility of success. He was a remarkably
+unique proposition.
+
+"Hello, hello!" exclaimed Handy. "What's all this about? Up and dressed.
+Say, don't you know you're a sick man?" Fogg gazed at his friend more in
+surprise than anger, and turned his head aside. "Did you hear what I
+said? You don't mean to tell me that you are going out in the streets
+to-day?"
+
+"Why not?" replied Fogg.
+
+"After what took place last night?"
+
+"I must, you know!"
+
+"With a busted blood-vessel in your innards and a--a--a----"
+
+"Oh, come now, Handy, this thing has gone far enough. I appreciate all
+you did for me in an emergency, but there's no necessity for keeping up
+the deception any longer. I tell you I have an important engagement----"
+
+"Hold! Avast heaving and take a hitch," interrupted the veteran. "Give
+me no more of that important engagement business in mine. I have some
+say in this matter, I have."
+
+"You have--and how, pray?"
+
+"Well, I'll give it you, and straight, too."
+
+"Go on, then."
+
+"Well, you were to have taken a benefit last night, weren't you?"
+
+"I'm listening."
+
+"An' you didn't, did you?"
+
+"Well, no--not exactly a--benefit," replied Fogg slowly, with a sickly
+smile.
+
+"And why didn't you?"
+
+"Well, you are aware of the reason as well as I," Fogg answered,
+slightly irritated; "because I didn't have the necessary funds to carry
+out my plans, therefore----"
+
+"Rubbish and stuff!" retorted Handy contemptuously. "You always get
+things mixed."
+
+"What do you mean?" inquired the mystified Fogg, looking more perplexed
+than ever. "I do not quite understand you!"
+
+"No, I didn't expect you would. Not be able to give a show without
+funds! Fiddlesticks! You make me tired. Darn it! Any one could do the
+turn with funds, and if you had the funds you wouldn't need a
+benefit--unless, indeed, you needed them to take a pleasure trip to
+Europe or to buy an automobile. But the man who can pull off a venture
+of that kind I regard as a financier; a man to be respected; a man of
+mettle--I mean the kind of mettle that's next door to genius, so to
+speak. By the way, old man, how do you spell that mettle--mettle or
+metal?"
+
+"I would spell it B-R-A-S-S."
+
+For a moment, Handy was completely put out, then extending his hand, he
+said: "Fogg, you may not know it, but you're a humorist. That wasn't
+half bad, as we say in England. I was never there, but it goes, all the
+same."
+
+Fogg smiled, but Handy looked serious. He was in a troubled state of
+mind on account of Fogg's expressed determination to leave the house. He
+remembered all too vividly that he had been chief engineer of Fogg's
+escapade of the preceding night. He had to economize on truth; originate
+a fit, burst a blood-vessel, and carry out several minor details to make
+the undertaking thoroughly convincing. These, of course, he was willing
+to father, and, for that matter, felt a certain pride in their
+performance, when he remembered they resulted in relieving the troubles
+of a friend. But he was hurt when he came to reflect that the friend for
+whom he had undertaken so much had so little regard for the fitness of
+things and embarrassments of the situation as to venture forth the
+following day. It was too much for his sensibilities.
+
+"The idea, Fogg, of showing yourself in public to-day, or to-morrow, or
+even the next day, is simply preposterous. It is out of the question. I
+may almost pronounce it like flying in the face of Providence. Remember,
+you are still a sick man, and I am sponsor for your illness. Bear in
+mind, you were taken out of the theatre as good as a dead one, in the
+garb of _Claude Melnotte_."
+
+"Yes; and thanks to that infernal Smith," interrupted Fogg, "the suit is
+as good as ruined, with the stuff he spilt over it."
+
+"There you go again. Why, you unthinking ingrate, only for that marked
+feature of the episode, you might at this moment be laid up in the
+hospital, if the stage hands, fiddlers, costumer, and bill-posters got
+in their work. Instead of that, here you are where sympathizing friends
+can visit you and hearken to your tale of woe. Don't you see," continued
+Handy, "if you are met on the street people will be likely to draw their
+own conclusions and regard last night's emergency illness as a fraud?
+You know how uncharitable even the best of friends are at odd times.
+While if you keep within doors and recover slowly, no such uncharitable
+fancy can be conjured into existence. Besides, the time spent in
+convalescence may be employed by that fertile brain of yours in devising
+some scheme for the future. I never willingly was party to a fraud, but
+when a friend gets into a bad box it becomes a human duty on the part of
+another friend to help him out. The end in view justifies the means.
+Friends don't go to that trouble, as a rule, but they ought to. Then you
+must have some consideration for dramatic consistency. Even actors can
+not burst blood-vessels with impunity over night and then go
+gallivanting about town next day. And again, is all this fine
+advertising you are going to get out of last night's realism to be
+thrown away and go for nothing? Oh, no! I guess not! My dear Fogg, you
+have got to be repaired before you are again seen in public."
+
+Handy's eloquent and forcible argument convinced Fogg that a week
+indoors was the proper course for him to pursue, and also be guided
+solely by the veteran during his convalescence.
+
+"Now, then, get to bed at once. You cannot tell who may get it into his
+head to call upon you. It is more than likely that Draper will be here
+after the _Melnotte_ outfit."
+
+"Goodness gracious, I forgot all about that!" exclaimed Fogg.
+
+"I thought so. Never overlook details. If you had traveled over this
+broad land of the free and the home of the brave as extensively as I
+have, you would recognize their importance. They are, my dear boy, most
+important factors of success in the show line, as in every other
+business. You can start a show without money if you are careful in the
+arrangement of your details beforehand. I might be able to give you some
+useful advice on that subject, which would prove serviceable if you ever
+contemplate going on the road."
+
+"I did have an idea of that kind," replied Fogg. "I think there's money
+in it. Don't you?"
+
+"Well, that depends."
+
+"On what?"
+
+"That I can't precisely explain. I have seen some of the worst so-called
+actors that ever trod the boards catch on with the fickle public, while
+counting railroad ties was the reward for some of the most talented in
+the business. It isn't talent, ability, or merit that always tells in
+this world. Don't you know that? To be sure, if you have money to back
+any one or all of them up, together with grit enough to hold on until
+the tide turns, you may stand a chance. But sometimes, even then one
+gets left."
+
+"Pshaw! I've known fellows without any one of these qualifications you
+have enumerated succeed--fellows who had neither friends nor capital to
+aid them," responded Fogg, as he removed his coat. "How do you account
+for that, old man?"
+
+"Easily enough," answered Handy, seemingly not a bit put out. "They must
+have had those magnificent endowments which may be tersely summed up in
+the simple words 'cheek' and 'push,' qualities sufficiently potent to
+transform a mouse-trap into a fortune or a tobacco patent of some kind
+into a grand opera house. These are, my boy, the magician's wand. Hurry
+up and peel off your vest. Cheek is the capital with which the
+impecunious push ahead while modest merit remains in the background
+waiting for a chance. There, now, don't stand and stare. Pull off your
+shoes. You're too slow. As I was saying, cheek in business generally is
+the _avant courier_ of success. Catch on to my French? Say, what's the
+matter now--burst a button off your pants? Never mind. You'll have
+plenty of time to make repairs during the week. Remember what I tell
+you. Cheek backed up by energy will win every time, and don't make any
+mistake about it. There, now, lie down and give me a chance to mend you
+and help to get your business affairs in some kind of shape that will be
+intelligible. By the way, have you such things as a pipe and tobacco on
+the premises?"
+
+"Yes, you will find them on the shelf yonder. But see here, Handy. I
+don't half like this quarantine business--lying down and playing sick
+when I am as well as you are!"
+
+"Then why in the name of Christopher Columbus' cat didn't you think of
+that before you went off in that fit last night! What did you do that
+for, eh? A joke? The punishment fits the crime, my friend, and you might
+as well make up your alleged mind to that fact, and that you'll have to
+take such medicine as I prescribe for at least a week to come."
+
+Just then was heard the ring of the hall bell, and shortly after a
+servant-like knock at the door of the apartment followed. Handy motioned
+his patient to lie down and keep still, and then called, "Come in!" The
+door opened and a servant popped in her head and informed the two
+friends that down-stairs was a man named Draper, who wanted to see Mr.
+Fogg.
+
+"Draper! Draper!" repeated Handy, as if endeavoring to recall the name
+to his recollection. "Fogg, dear boy, do you know any one named Draper?"
+Then turning to the servant: "Are you certain you got the gentleman's
+name correct?"
+
+"He towld me his name was Draper, and sure that's all I know about him."
+
+"Will you be kind enough, like a good girl, to skip down-stairs and ask
+the gentleman to send up his card?" said Handy in his most persuasive
+manner.
+
+The lady who officiated as menial evidently did not relish another
+journey up and down-stairs, but Handy's winning way and manner of
+appealing to her had the desired effect. She condescended to oblige, but
+with a look, however, that might readily be mistaken for one other than
+pleasure over the job, with an accompanying murmur of words that sounded
+very much like "people puttin' on airs."
+
+"Why, Handy, you know very well who that is down at the door," said
+Fogg, raising himself in bed.
+
+"Know! Well, I should smile! Why, of course I know. But, my boy, I need
+a little time to get things straightened out before we receive visitors.
+Lie down and keep quiet. I'm running this show. These _Melnotte_ duds
+will have to go to the wash. Ten to one that's what Draper has called
+for. That fellow has an eye as sharp as a hawk."
+
+"What has that to do with the case?"
+
+"This, if you are anxious to know. Draper would get on to that red ink
+stain quicker than a wink. You couldn't fool that gentleman on ink for
+blood. Just cast your eagle eye over it." He held the blouse up for
+inspection. "Why, it looks more like cranberry sauce on a jamboree than
+human gore. I will stow this away in the closet, and now bear in mind it
+has gone to the wash."
+
+"Oh, all right!"
+
+"Come in." This in answer to a knock at the door, and Bedelia, for such
+was the lady attendant's name, reappeared.
+
+"The man down at the door below sez as how he has no card wid him, but
+that yez knows him very well already. He sez he's a customer."
+
+"A what?" yelled Handy.
+
+"A customer," shouted back Bedelia.
+
+"A customer," echoed Handy, and then in his most agreeable manner
+continued: "Now, my gentle friend, for I know you are gentle, and
+therefore must be a friend, did not the man in the gap below tell you he
+was a costumer, and not a customer? Think, for the difference between
+the two is of some degree of importance."
+
+"Well, sur, I may not be as well up in the new-fangled ways of spakin'
+as some other people are. Begor! with yer cawn'ts an' shawn'ts, an'
+chawnces, an' the divil only knows what in the way of pronunciayshon, a
+dacint, hard-workin' gerl can't make out half what's said nowadays. You
+call the man down-stairs wan thing an' I call him another, but both of
+them are the same man. Arrah! what's the matther wid yez, at all, at
+all?"
+
+With this withering invective, Bedelia looked as if she could annihilate
+Handy.
+
+The veteran in an amusingly polite manner arose and bowed. "All right,
+Bedelia, and if it's all the same to you, you may as well waltz the
+customer up."
+
+"Well, sur," she answered, with what she possibly considered satiric
+dignity, "I'll sind him up, but I would like yez to understhand that
+I've plinty to do widout climbing up and down two pair of stairs waitin'
+on show-actors," and she then hurried out and bang! went the door.
+
+"Fogg, my boy," said Handy, with a smile, "that handmaiden is a passion
+flower. 'Twould be an injustice to the more modest posy to designate her
+a daisy."
+
+He was about to indulge in a laugh, when a masculine knock at the door
+interrupted. Moving quietly across the room, he opened the door. A nod
+of recognition and the costumer entered.
+
+"Will you kindly take a seat, Mr. Draper?" he said in a subdued voice,
+as he motioned the visitor to a chair beside the bed.
+
+"It's awfully kind of you, Draper, to call," said Fogg in a feeble tone
+of voice, at the same time extending his hand. "This is a bad blow. Who
+would have thought this time yesterday that I would now be----"
+
+"Hush!" interrupted Handy gently. "You must keep still and not grow
+excited. You know what the doctor said." Then turning to the costumer,
+Handy explained Fogg's condition, the possible effect excitement would
+be likely to produce, and the evil consequences that might ensue. "He is
+not yet quite out of danger, but I guess he'll pull through, provided he
+will keep still and obey orders. The doctor says----Oh! by the way, Mr.
+Draper, you didn't meet the doctor on your way up, did you?" inquired
+Handy meekly, as he placed the invalid's hand back under the coverlet.
+
+"No!" replied Mr. Draper, "I did not. What physician is attending him?"
+
+"Oh! Doctor--ah--Doctor----Some German name. Hold on! That last
+prescription will tell us." But somehow or other Handy could not lay his
+hand on it.
+
+"Never mind. Don't put yourself to any trouble. It doesn't matter."
+
+"Oh, by the way, Mr. Draper," and Handy bent down toward him and in a
+low tone of voice said, "That _Melnotte_ dress our poor friend had on at
+the time of the occurrence was so soiled that we had to send it to the
+laundry before returning it. It will be all right, though."
+
+"Darn the thing!" replied Draper, somewhat indignantly. "You don't mean
+to think that is what I called around for. No, sir." Then rising from
+the chair, he turned toward Fogg. "Now, then, old chap, get all right
+again. Your friend here will look after you. I merely dropped in to pay
+a little friendly visit." He turned to leave the room, at the same time
+beckoning to Handy to step outside the door.
+
+The two went out together, and though the time Handy remained away was
+brief, Fogg's anxiety magnified it and it made him restless. At length
+Handy returned, and with much more subdued demeanor than before he went
+out. He appeared grave and thoughtful.
+
+"What's up now?" inquired Fogg, half raising from the bed. "What did
+Draper have to say? Is it that which disturbs you?"
+
+Handy remained silent for a time. "Yes. It is not only what he said, but
+what he did that knocks me."
+
+"I am really sorry to hear you say so," sympathetically replied Fogg.
+
+"You know when we went outside"--and Handy breathed a heavy sigh and
+paused--"Draper placed his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Mr. Handy, you
+are a friend of Fogg?' I nodded an assent. 'I don't suppose,' he says,
+'he has any too much ready money for an emergency of this kind, so that
+when affliction pays an unwelcome visit and sudden sickness crosses the
+threshold a few dollars at such a time come not amiss.'"
+
+"Good-hearted fellow, after all."
+
+"'Now,' he continued, 'don't let anything worry the poor devil. Let him
+consider the bill for costumes chalked off. Here, put this ten dollars
+to the best advantage you can use it for any little necessaries that may
+be wanting in the sick-room.'"
+
+"You don't mean it!" cried Fogg excitedly.
+
+"Oh, hang it, that was too much for me!" And Handy began to pace the
+floor nervously.
+
+"And what did you do when he offered the money?"
+
+"Do!" replied Handy indignantly. "Do! Why, I declined to take it, of
+course. I can do a good many things; but no--not that, not that."
+
+"Right!"
+
+"I told him you were not in need of anything. You had all you wanted.
+That was a lie, of course, but then there are times and circumstances
+when a lie may counterfeit truth. I insisted I could not accept it. What
+do you think he said?"
+
+"Can't imagine."
+
+"'Well!' he replied, 'if he doesn't want for anything, what was the
+benefit got up for? Here, take the stuff, and have no more silly
+nonsense about it.' He then thrust the money into my vest pocket and
+hurried down the stairs."
+
+"Handy, you amaze me!"
+
+"There it is," and he threw the bills on the bed to Fogg, and walked the
+room with pain distinctly written over his usually happy face. "The
+world is not so cold-hearted after all. Those we least suspect have
+hearts to feel for sufferings of others, and what is more, they have a
+practical way of expressing their sympathy." Then turning to Fogg, he
+added with much feeling: "This incident saddens me!"
+
+"You are right. This money must be returned. I cannot take it," and Fogg
+too became thoughtful.
+
+For the first time the evil of the fraud which had been perpetrated
+became forcibly evident to both men. One genuine act of kindness had
+stripped deceit of its covering more effectively than the logic of a
+hundred sermons.
+
+"Perhaps the next experience," said Handy, still in a reflective mood,
+"will be the appearance of that tough stage carpenter who threatened to
+compel you to describe the beauties of your palace by Lake Como with sky
+borders and wings, with a supply of delicacies from his humble home, or
+maybe a contribution in cash exceeding the sum you agreed to pay him for
+his labor, in order that he might show his kindly disposition to assist
+when misfortune overtook you."
+
+Both were visibly affected. The deception they practiced, though it
+brought a certain temporary relief from an embarrassing situation, also
+carried with it its own punishment. For a time they remained silent.
+
+"Handy," began Fogg, "if the thing had been real and resulted fatally, I
+verily believe that old man Funkenstein would have volunteered to
+furnish the music for my funeral, and not have charged my friends a red
+cent."
+
+"Sure! And what's more," replied Handy, the humorous side appealing to
+his fancy, "let me tell you, as a dead one you would have drawn a darn'd
+sight bigger house than you ever can as a live actor."
+
+Notwithstanding his troubles, Fogg appreciated the humorous sally of his
+associate. He threw himself back on his bed and enjoyed a hearty laugh.
+Handy permitted him to enjoy his merriment and then reminded him that
+although to the outer world he was on the blink, so far as prosperity
+was concerned, the enforced inaction of the sick-room would never bridge
+over the difficulties that encompassed him. He reminded Fogg that he was
+financially dead broke. It is true he was in the great city, the mecca
+toward which all strolling players turn their eyes as well as their toes
+when they are in financial straits, but the fact of being in the
+metropolis was not sufficient. It was necessary to set about doing
+something.
+
+"Let me tell you, Fogg, that thinking without action to back it up cuts
+no ice. Never did--never will. You may think until doomsday and
+accomplish nothing. I will point a moral without ornamenting a tale, by
+relating an experience I once had when I was out West some time ago with
+a company and got stranded, and if you will loan me your ear I will a
+tale unfold. What say you?"
+
+"Proceed."
+
+"First let me dispose of a quiet pipeful of tobacco to collect my
+scattered thoughts and I will unbosom myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+     A New Way to Pay Old Debts.
+
+
+After Handy had complacently smoked a pipeful of Fogg's tobacco he laid
+the comforter aside and started in one of those characteristic chapters
+of incidents to be found scattered here and there on the pathway of
+nearly every player who amounts to anything either at home or abroad.
+
+"You may remember that a few years ago I got together a company with a
+view to endeavor to enlighten as well as to instruct the public of the
+so-called wild and woolly West."
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Part of the company I picked up here, the remainder I managed to scrape
+together in Chicago. Times were not good; actors were easily had, and
+were willing to take long chances on the prospects of even getting bread
+and butter. Please don't take me too literally. They were well aware of
+the fact that if the money came in they would surely get their share.
+All who know me are pretty well satisfied on that score. Deal squarely
+with the people about you, is my maxim, and they will stand by you when
+the pinch comes. I have gone on that principle all through my varied
+career and I know the benefit of what I speak."
+
+"Yes; all things considered," replied Fogg, "you have been on the
+Square."
+
+"Good! You're improving! Well, as I was saying, I got my company
+together and set out. We opened in Denver. Did fairly well; pushed on
+still further. Struck bad business, and at the end of a couple of weeks
+landed high and dry on Saturday night in a far Western town--No need of
+mentioning names."
+
+"As soon as that--two weeks?"
+
+"Just two weeks. Oh, don't affect surprise. I've known companies to go
+where the woodbine twineth on the third night out. There is nothing new
+in that. Well, the night I have reference to was so bad, that is the
+receipts were so slender, that we didn't take in money enough to pay for
+the gas, and remember we were under contract to play the following
+Monday in a city not more than fifty miles or so away."
+
+"Well, you had all Sunday and most of Monday to get there, and keep your
+date. There's nothing in that," remarked Fogg, with a smile.
+
+"Very true; but, my optimistic friend, permit me to inform you that my
+company was not solely made up of pedestrians, and, moreover, walking in
+midwinter as a rule is not good. So you may readily recognize I was in a
+perplexing predicament. After I glanced over the box office statement I
+hardly knew where I was at. As I thought the situation over before me
+arose the stern reality of a large-sized board bill, for bear in mind I
+had guaranteed to pay the traveling and hotel bills of the company.
+Hotelkeepers are such matter-of-fact and precise individuals in their
+peculiar ways of dealings that it is difficult for those of empty
+pockets to get along pleasantly with them."
+
+"Absurdly so," admitted Fogg.
+
+"Pleased to hear you say so, but then, my boy, you never ran a hotel."
+
+"No, but I kept the books of a traveling politician one season!"
+
+"You did?"
+
+"Fact."
+
+"You weren't traveling with a show?"
+
+"Nit, I was attending political conventions."
+
+"Oh, that settles it. That was a dead easy job. The party put up the
+dough and the public in the end pays the score. That's another
+proposition altogether. But the poor player who--well, no matter. No use
+in becoming sentimental or spoony about it. Now, own up, my position was
+unpleasantly embarrassing, wasn't it?"
+
+"It was not exhilarating."
+
+"No. There was nothing cheering about it. However, I put on no long
+face, though between ourselves I wished some other fellow stood in my
+shoes."
+
+"How considerate for the other fellow!"
+
+"Well," continued Handy, "that's neither here nor there, but I made up
+my mind to get out of that town bag and baggage and keep my date Monday
+night, all the samee."
+
+"I admire your pluck."
+
+"Pluck? Nothing of the kind. Pluck had nothing to do with the case. It
+was tact and resource that came to my assistance. Season your admiration
+for a moment and I'll give you a wrinkle worth remembering. After a bite
+and a snack I went to bed, not to worry, but to sleep. Let me say, by
+way of comment, that a few hours' rest is a powerful rejuvenator. You
+can do much better work in the morning after a good night's sleep than
+if you had passed weary hours tossing and tumbling about in bemoaning
+your hard luck and picturing to yourself what might have been if you had
+done so and so. All rot. Let the other fellow do the worrying. Remember,
+my boy, the past is irreclaimable, the present the life we are
+struggling in, and the future what we make it, or rather try to make
+it."
+
+"Handy, I had no idea you were such a philosopher!"
+
+"Indeed! Well, experience teaches me to be practical," replied the
+veteran, "and I trust I may be able to prove to you the truth of what I
+say. As I told you, I retired to my bed to sleep, and sleep I did, as
+soundly as if I owned one-half the town and had a mortgage on the other
+half. Next morning I got up refreshed and with a good appetite for
+breakfast. After the morning's meal I settled myself down to the
+enjoyment of a cigar. At that stage of the game I could not afford to be
+seen smoking a pipe. Never give your poverty away to the world unless
+you can make final disposition of it. Then came the real task--the
+crisis."
+
+"The tug of war, eh?"
+
+"Just so. The tug of war, so to speak. I braced the landlord! I invited
+him to take a chair beside me and began the siege."
+
+"Commenced operations. Fire away."
+
+"I had already made a study of the man, and had well considered my plan
+of attack. I opened by telling him frankly I was in trouble. The week's
+business had been bad, receipts next door to nothing, my share slim. To
+make a long story short, I confessed I could not settle my bill."
+
+"That must have been an interesting communication for mine host of the
+inn. How did he take it?"
+
+"Well, his reception of the information somewhat surprised me. I
+anticipated a storm; but no. He was perfectly calm. I waited for a
+reply, but he simply remarked, 'Well?' I then enlarged on my ill-luck,
+bad business, terrible weather, and wound up with a pathetic story of
+our situation. 'Well,' he again exclaimed, 'I will hold the baggage and
+stuff until you can settle up.'"
+
+"The old, old story," plaintively exclaimed Fogg.
+
+"I felt that was coming, but I also judged from the manner of that
+decision, cold as it was in all the integrity of its meaning, that I had
+a practical man to deal with. Take my word for it, Fogg, it is always
+better to have business dealings with a man of that type than with one
+who, while he loads you up with sympathy to beat the band, doesn't mean
+a word of it. To settle there and then for board and get our things out
+of quarantine was out of the question; to attempt to play our next stand
+without our 'props' and things was equally difficult."
+
+"Of course, but then," said Fogg, "hotelkeepers never take these things
+into consideration."
+
+"No, never. 'Mr. Breadland'--that was his name--'I have a proposition to
+make,' said I, 'and as you seem to be a practical man, you will, I have
+an idea, recognize its practicability. The situation is this: I owe you
+money. The amount I am unable to pay just now. You say you propose to
+hold on to the baggage belonging to the company as security for the
+debt.'
+
+"'You state the case precisely,' said he.
+
+"'Now, then,' I continued, 'the stuff you propose to seize you don't
+want, and you only mean to hold the things as security for the payment
+of the board bill--an honest debt.' He nodded his head while he
+scrutinized me closely. 'Now, what would you say if I could point out a
+way to you by which you could still have security for the indebtedness,
+I could have the baggage and things, and you get the money owing to
+you?'
+
+"'My friend,' said he, 'I don't want to hold your stuff. It's no earthly
+use to me. I only want the coin that's due me. If you can show or point
+out to me any feasible plan by which that end may be reached, I rather
+think you and I may come to terms.'
+
+"'I guess I can. To be sure it may cause you personally some little
+inconvenience for a few days, but the scheme will work out all right.'
+
+"'Let me hear it,' says he, looking me squarely in the face.
+
+"It is this: We are billed to play Monday night in Bungtown. The chances
+are we will have a big house for the opening. We stay there three
+nights. Now, then, my proposition is that you send your clerk along with
+the company; I will place him in the box office, where he will have
+control of the receipts, and each night after the show is over he can
+take for you a percentage of the share coming to me, and continue to do
+so at each performance until your bill is all paid. How does it strike
+you?' Well, sir, it set that countryman a-thinking and pulling his
+whiskers so vigorously that I feared his goatee would give way. I knew
+almost to a dead certainty that I had won. The man, Fogg, who hesitates
+gives way in the end, always.
+
+"Breadland reflected a minute, then spoke out: 'I'll do it,' he said.
+''Tis about the easiest and safest way of getting hunk.'
+
+"'One thing more, Mr. Breadland,' I added, when I felt satisfied that
+luck was running my way.
+
+"'What is it?' he inquired.
+
+"'The hotel bill, as you are aware, is made out to cover all charges up
+to and including lunch to-day. After the train which leaves here at
+three this afternoon there is none other until to-morrow forenoon, and
+as the company has done a deal of traveling and the people are pretty
+well tuckered out, a day's rest and a good night's sleep would not be
+amiss, and it would enable us to give a rattling good performance
+to-morrow night.'
+
+"'I agree with you,' he replied.
+
+"I thought so, but perhaps I didn't make myself as clear as I might.
+Your good nature, however, emboldens me to respectfully suggest'--and
+this I said in the most tender and convincing manner I could
+employ--'that for the sake of art and good fellowship, for this little
+extra hospitality you make no addition to the hotel bill. Let it stand
+as it is.'"
+
+"What!" exclaimed Fogg, in open-mouthed wonder. "Did he show you the
+door?"
+
+"Not a bit of it. I told you he was a plain, practical kind of cuss,
+with a tender spot in his heart. He looked at me with a calm, queer, but
+not mischievous twinkle in his eye. I stood the gaze with the most
+innocent assumption of impudence, waiting for the verdict. It came in a
+moment, accompanied with a hearty laugh as he said: 'By jingo, you
+deserve to get ahead! You won't fail for want of nerve. It's your long
+suit. I'll have to go you,' or words to that effect. 'Come,' he said,
+rising from his chair, 'I'll blow you off,' and he led the way to the
+bar."
+
+"You don't mean to say he stood treat into the bargain?" asked Fogg, in
+surprise.
+
+"Sure; like a prince, he did; and what's more, he made the remainder
+of the day as pleasant as if every member of the company was a
+first-floorer, paying bridal-party rates.
+
+"That little episode made me very solid with my company. They knew the
+actual condition of the exchequer, for obvious reasons, and wondered how
+I was able to make things all right without the necessary wherewithal.
+That's management, my boy. They never considered for the life of them,
+that three-fourths or more of the business of the world is managed and
+conducted on credit and promises to pay. I was merely working out the
+principle in my own little bit of a way. So the day passed agreeably.
+The people knew that everything in the hotel was all right and that I
+had the railroad fares snugly stowed away in my inside pocket."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+     "The actors are at hand; and by their show you shall all know that
+     you are like to know."
+     --MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.
+
+
+"We got into Bungtown early next day. I went at once to the theatre.
+There I was happy to learn that the advance sale was good and the
+prospects for the evening's performance A1. We opened to a full house,
+and the audience appeared to enjoy the entertainment. The following
+evening did not pan out quite so well, in consequence of a torchlight
+procession through the streets and a big Grand Army parade. The night
+after--our farewell performance. Great Scott! A rainstorm thinned the
+attendance to the proportions of a fashionable church in the metropolis
+during summer, when the popular preacher is absent on vacation abroad,
+seeking after the health he never lost. How I felt can be better
+imagined than described. I was up against it for fair. As I told you, I
+was unable to settle the hotel bill at the last town, and in addition we
+had now the handicap of an extra hotel and railroad fare for Breadland's
+clerk, who according to agreement was to travel with the show until the
+whole account with Breadland was squared up."
+
+"The prospects were not encouraging."
+
+"No; but we managed, somehow or other, to get out of town; though when
+everything was fixed, including a few dollars to Breadland on account,
+it was a close shave. Fortunately, the railroad fares to our next stand
+were light and we had three days there. It was in that sylvan retreat by
+the flowing river we nearly met our Waterloo. Speak of bad business. It
+was something weird."
+
+"Misfortune and you must have been running a race."
+
+"Yes, with the filly away in the lead. But we managed to play right on.
+Sunday morning found me once more _hors de combat_, with another hotel
+bill unpaid and an almost empty treasury to meet it. I nearly gave up in
+despair. Remembering, however, that despair never yet pulled a man out
+of a hole, in sheer desperation I resolved once more to fall back on the
+expedient that carried us over the sea of troubles that beset us before
+we reached Bungtown."
+
+"Great Heavens! you don't mean to say you proposed to carry another
+hotel clerk on your staff?" queried Fogg.
+
+"I had to do something. Necessity is the prompter of ingenuity, and the
+suggestion came from that source. There is no use in going further into
+detail. I convinced the landlord and secured another secretary of the
+treasury to look after the income, and we got out of town next morning
+as happy as clams at high water. Well, without mincing matters, I must
+say we had as rough a road to travel any band of poor strolling
+Thespians ever struck."
+
+"Misfortune still in the lead?"
+
+"I should say so. Listen. We ran into the Gulf Stream of a red-hot
+political campaign, and I needn't tell you these torchlight processions,
+firework displays, and fife and drum corps knock the life out of the
+show business. Where we made a few dollars in one place we dropped them
+in another. Had it not been for a small reserve fund I had carefully
+treasured up for extra hazardous emergencies and my peculiar talent and
+diplomacy in dealing with hotel men, I verily believe it would have
+taken us all the winter to have reached a hospitable haven of relief,
+for the walking was wretched and Western railroad ties too far apart for
+decent pedestrianism."
+
+"By Jove!" smiled Fogg, "you must have had an anxious time from the word
+go."
+
+"Oh, that goes without saying. I managed to pull through and reached
+good warm-hearted Chicago with nine hotel clerks on my staff, all acting
+as treasurers, assistant treasurers, auditors, ticket-sellers,
+bookkeepers and financial agents, each one wondering why the box office
+department was receiving accessions to its ranks in the face of such bad
+business."
+
+"An' did they never tumble to the little joker?"
+
+"Well, I candidly admit it required the exercise of considerable tact to
+keep them in complete ignorance of the true situation."
+
+"Of that I have not the slightest doubt."
+
+Handy was silent a moment.
+
+"Fogg, did you ever worry over a promoter's prospectus of a proposed
+financial scheme prepared for the edification of the public with the
+laudable intention of separating people from their money?"
+
+"Some," answered Fogg, slightly mystified at the change Handy had given
+to the conversation.
+
+"That being the case, you can call to mind how eloquently the promoter
+labors to convince prospective investors how they can get in on the
+ground floor and lay the foundation of a fortune to be made out of a
+hole in the ground?"
+
+"I've heard of such things."
+
+"Do you know how it was done?"
+
+"Search me."
+
+"Well, I, too, can do a little in that line myself. I did some of the
+most expert word painting to my assistant financial agents or their
+representatives and held them together and in good fellowship until I
+reached my harbor."
+
+"If the question is not an indelicate one," said Fogg hesitatingly,
+"might I inquire if you ever paid up?"
+
+"Every dollar," quickly responded Handy. "When we reached Chicago we
+struck smooth water and entered upon a prosperous sea for four weeks.
+Money fairly poured into our coffers. One by one I sent each hotel clerk
+back to his employer, with a check for the money I owed him in his
+pocket and a receipted bill in mine. I squared up with every one I was
+indebted to. You know when we make money we make it fast."
+
+"And part with it as readily," added his friend.
+
+"That has nothing to do with the case, my boy. Now, let me ask you if
+you think I told you this moving tale of ups and downs for the mere fun
+of its recital, do you?"
+
+"Well, partly fun, kill time, and partly to a--a--a----"
+
+"Yes, go on. Partly to a--a--a----what? Why don't you finish the
+sentence?"
+
+"To illustrate the principle of a novel way to pay old debts, eh?"
+
+"Right you are," replied Handy emphatically. "And let me add, so far as
+you are personally concerned----" For the first time during the
+narration he looked thoroughly in earnest.
+
+"I'm listening."
+
+"When you ever get in a bad box or are up against it, don't lay down and
+brood over the hardship, but set to work with a will to get square with
+your troubles as becomes a man."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+    "Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
+    How I wonder what you are."
+
+    --NURSERY RHYMES.
+
+
+Three weeks after "The Lady of Lyons" episode Handy was once more in
+harness and equipped for the stage. He had captured what is technically
+known as "an angel" and was fairly well provided for another brief
+campaign. His friend Smith was engaged to accompany him and to officiate
+as general utility man in the broadest sense of the term. Fogg, who had
+been instrumental in lassoing the "angel," was engaged to be leading man
+of the new organization. An "angel" is one of those peculiar individuals
+who have stage aspirations, with money to burn; is ambitious to act, or
+try to, then fret a brief season behind the footlights, in nine cases
+out of ten fails and is never heard of more. The "angel" is generally a
+woman with a "friend." Her stock in trade to embark in an arduous
+profession requiring talent, industry, patience, intelligence,
+perseverance, and self-reliance consists chiefly in a good wardrobe,
+cheek, self-assurance, vanity, and ready cash.
+
+It is a well-known fact that the capital stock of an "angel" melts,
+thaws, and resolves itself into disappointment after she has had a short
+practical experience on the boards. The exacting demands of the
+theatrical calling dims the luster that lured the deluded one recklessly
+to enter the seemingly attractive circle, to appear as the make-believe
+heroines of romance on the stage. A few weeks--perhaps not so long--at
+one of the theatrical factories to be found in nearly all of the large
+cities where _Juliets_ are prepared at short notice, _Camilles_
+manufactured for immediate use, and actors in every department of the
+calling are turned out by some superfluous veteran of the stage at so
+much per lesson, generally in advance, fits the aspirant for a debut on
+a starring tour. How many enterprises of this character have started
+out, with thousands of dollars to back them, too, and returned to the
+city with rudely dispelled hopes and empty purses, it is difficult to
+estimate. Every season brings forth a fresh crop. The industry has grown
+with the times, and the appetite for theatric fame has not in the least
+diminished. The number of fallen "angels" scattered throughout the
+country would cut a respectable figure in a statistical report.
+
+It is only a few short years ago, in one of the leading theatres of the
+country, a playhouse which was subsequently trampled out of existence by
+the march of trade, that five _Juliets_ to one _Romeo_ made an afternoon
+pitiful by the incongruity of the representation of one of the sweetest
+plays of the immortal bard. Every act introduced a fresh _Juliet_, as if
+to demonstrate the unfitness of each aspirant to present adequately even
+the slightest phase of a character which requires the art of a
+consummate artist to interpret properly.
+
+Much has been said and written about the unworthiness of traveling
+companies in the country towns. While much of this may be true, even in
+the large cities as absurd exhibitions of acting may be witnessed as
+anywhere else. No one knew this better than Handy. To give him his due,
+he was usually careful in the selection of his companies. He never went
+half-way to work about it. When he desired to organize a troupe he
+endeavored to gather about him the best from his point of view.
+
+"Indifferent and bumptious actors," said Handy to a friend, "are always
+looking for what they call big money. Their seasons, therefore, are
+short. They learn nothing from experience. They know it all. Yet they
+will hang on the ragged edge of starvation for weeks rather than come
+down in what they are pleased to name as their figures. A really good
+actor has little difficulty in securing an engagement at a reasonable
+salary. I know them, and they can't fool your uncle."
+
+It must be admitted that Handy's experience in this line was somewhat
+extensive. To go into the detail of advance work and rehearsals is
+unnecessary. They may be left to the reader's imagination. They are,
+therefore, passed over in order to get more quickly to the opening night
+and the birth and death of a star.
+
+"Camille" was the drama in which the "angel" decided to make her debut.
+The aspiring amateur, if a woman, generally makes choice of "La Dame aux
+Camellias." Why she does so, if not to bring to her aid a display of
+rich and elaborate costumes, it is difficult to say. In making such
+selection she unconsciously contrasts the possession of rich silk and
+satin frocks, together with valuable jewels, with the poverty of her
+histrionic resources.
+
+The little town of Weston was the place selected as the scene of
+operations. The advance man, or press agent, had played his part well.
+"Camille" met the eye on every fence and blank wall in the place.
+Dodgers literally floated in the air and the town was so adorned with
+snipes that the uninitiated might reasonably conclude that paper costs
+nothing and printers worked for fun. To Handy's indefatigable exertions
+this was in a great measure due. Three nights he devoted to the work,
+and actually painted Weston red with "Camille."
+
+"If you want to have a thing done well," he exclaimed, "you must do it
+yourself or see personally that it is done. There is no use in having
+printing unless you get it up where the public can see it. Billposters
+are peculiar people. They are in certain respects economical, and they
+have their own peculiar ideas of saving. That perhaps is the reason why
+you see so few posters stuck up for public edification and so many of
+them stowed away somewhere on out-of-the-way shelves in bill-posters'
+studios. They are queer fellows, these bill-posters. I've never been
+able to understand them. I've been, in various capacities, with many
+theatrical companies that were amply supplied with all kinds of printing
+to start out with, but when I went about town where we played looking
+for it I had to search pretty closely to find where it was pasted up. I
+therefore, in this case, determined to pay personal attention to that
+part of the business myself." This information or explanation was
+imparted to _Camille_ through Fogg, by the way of a preliminary
+endorsement of Handy's remarkable energy.
+
+Fogg was enthusiastic in praise of the manager's clever publicity
+display.
+
+"I never saw a town so well billed in my life," said he, "and as you
+know, Mr. Handy, I have had some experience in such matters. Don't you
+agree with me, Miss De la Rue?" The last inquiry was addressed to the
+"angel" star, who was standing by his side, apparently as nervous and
+fidgety as if she was about to undergo an examination in a law court.
+
+"Yes, indeed; I think the place is awfully well done," she replied,
+rather timidly, "but I didn't notice as many of my lithos around as I
+expected."
+
+"What!" replied the manager in surprise. "Why, there ain't a saloon or
+cigar shop that ain't got them up. I know, for I've been in all of 'em."
+
+Handy spoke the truth. It is a fact that cigar shops and liquor stores
+are the principal galleries in which the pictorial printing of
+theatrical celebrities and theatrical combinations are placed on
+exhibition. There is more money thrown away uselessly in such places, in
+the way of expensive printing and lithographs, than managers seem to
+realize. Even some of the shrewdest men in the business are not
+altogether free from the weakness of adorning these establishments with
+high-priced pictorial work. The practice at one time had at least the
+merit of novelty, but since it has become a regular thing it has lost
+much of its efficacy and ceased to be remunerative. But what is the use
+of objecting? Stars would be nothing more than mere rushlights if the
+highly colored lithos did not proclaim their prominence in the
+theatrical firmament to those who are ever ready to pledge women in song
+or story in the flowing bowl. Of course, in the interest of art.
+
+"Do you think, Mr. Handy, that we shall have a good house?" inquired the
+"angel," as she stood on the stage before the performance, in a highly
+nervous, hesitating manner. "I should dislike to appear before a small
+audience; it is so discouraging, you know, to an artist."
+
+"A good house?" echoed the optimistic manager. "We'll turn 'em away, and
+you can bank on it," he replied, with an air of confidence that
+reassured the bird of paradise and brought a smile to her face.
+
+"I'm so glad to hear you say so! But I'm ashamed to admit it. But to
+you, of course, as my manager, I may confide and confess I feel awfully
+nervous."
+
+"Happy to hear you tell me so, miss. Remember one thing, that all them
+as amounts to anything are taken that way on a first night. For
+instance, take Sarah Bernhardt. Well, she's a holy terror on a first
+night. There's Francis Wilson--well, it isn't safe to be near him when
+he comes off the stage of a first night. Then there's Joe Murphy, the
+great Irish comedian; when he plays a part, it is said, he becomes so
+nervous that he goes about giving every member of his company a
+ten-dollar bill. Sir Henry Irving was another of those so affected that
+he wanted to make a speech to the audience after every act, and only for
+the restraining influence of Bram Stoker, he would. Charley Wyndham, now
+Sir Charles, makes himself believe he is an incarnation of David
+Garrick. Nat Goodwin is that nervous of a first night that he wants to
+play 'Macbeth' with Maude Adams as _Lady Macbeth_ the next time he
+produces a new piece. All the result of nervousness, I assure you. I am
+affected that way myself on every first performance I appear in. It is,
+strange to say, the greatest evidence we have of the possession of that
+gift of what is regarded as genius. That's what's the matter!"
+
+"You really think so? Oh, it is so consoling to hear you say so! I feel
+easier in my mind after you telling me and placing me on the same
+footing with the great ones of our profession. I'll go and dress now."
+
+The "angel" star hurried off to her dressing-room. Smith, from among the
+manifold duties he was called upon to perform, had just returned from
+the front of the house, where he had been looking after things, as he
+himself put it. He approached Handy and in an enthusiastic manner
+informed him he thought the capacity of the house would be tested.
+
+"Oh, that won't surprise me," replied Handy. "Give me 'Camille' every
+time for a country audience, providing the billing is all right.
+'Camille' is old enough to be young."
+
+"Do you think we're going to give a good show?"
+
+"As to that, I'll speak to you later on. That's another proposition.
+Now, then, get a move on you. Hurry up and dress, and above all things,
+see that your props are all right."
+
+Smith was property man as well as prompter--two important offices which
+in any well-regulated theatrical company would require the services of
+two men. In addition to these, he undertook to double a couple of the
+minor parts. He was an old hand at the work, and doubling and trebling
+did not in the slightest disturb him. He was not always as careful as he
+should be in the matter of detail, and in several instances his attempts
+at faking did not pan out as he originally planned them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+     "Experience is a great book, the events of life its chapters."
+      --SAINTE-BEUVE.
+
+
+By eight o'clock the house was well filled. The signboard bearing the
+legend, "Standing Room Only" was put out in front to catch a few more.
+It was such an audience as would make any manager's heart rejoice. The
+curtain rose promptly on the first act. To say the act went off tamely
+would be simply admitting the truth. Camille was not only uncertain in
+her lines, but she was suffering from a bad attack of stage fright. Were
+it not for extraordinary exertions on the part of the principal members
+of the company--a confidence acquired of long experience--the star of
+the evening would have twinkled out of existence and "Camille" would
+have been presented in one act instead of five. The unfortunate "angel"
+realized for the first time in her life, possibly, that the calling she
+had selected to adopt was not all her fancy had painted it. The
+so-called coaching and training she had paid for proved of little or no
+practical value. She was _Camille_ only in costume--if in that; the
+_Camille_ of the dressmaker--nothing more. The audience, moreover, were
+not slow in recognizing this fact also. That day has gone by,
+apparently, when tyros may sally forth from the city and win country
+audiences with fine dresses, pretty faces, cheek, and inexperience. The
+theatre-going public knows the trick. The days of such barn-storming are
+passing away.
+
+Mr. Fogg, who was the _Armand_, did not make a profound impression. The
+part suited him like an ill-fitted garment, and he felt it. The
+realization of that fact took all the vim out of him. If the real truth
+was known, he, no doubt, wished himself back in his little second-story
+back in the big city, gossiping of what he might, but could not, do if
+he had the chance. Handy was cast for the part of the _Count de
+Varville_. He was not great in the character, but he could wrestle with
+it. Was there a role in the whole range of the English drama he would
+decline to take a fall out of if circumstances demanded?
+
+"Say, you'll have to throw more ginger into the part, old fellow," said
+Handy, as the hero of the carmine blouse of benefit memory walked across
+the stage, looking very disconsolate after the first act. Neither he nor
+the star received the slightest applause during their scenes.
+
+"Wait until the fourth act, the great act of the piece," replied Fogg,
+"and I'll fetch 'em. You just watch me."
+
+"All ready for the second act," cried out the call-boy. A few seconds
+later the curtain went up and the play proceeded. Nothing of particular
+moment transpired during the act. The audience sat through it as tamely
+as if listening to a funeral sermon. _Camille_ was painfully tame;
+_Armand_ as harmless a lover as any respectable parent could desire. The
+remainder of the cast, influenced, no doubt, by the shortcomings of the
+principals, became listless and merely walked through their parts as
+they spoke their lines.
+
+At the close of the act a number of people left the house. They
+evidently had had enough and did not care for more. The "angel" also had
+had enough of "Camille," and wished the whole thing was over. Fogg also
+had had enough of _Armand_, and mentally avowed that never again would
+he undertake a stage lover to an "angel" without experience. In passing,
+it may be added that an experienced "angel" would not accept Fogg for a
+_Claude_ at any price. Handy had enough of both of them, with something
+to spare. In desperation he even expressed regret he did not have a hack
+at _Armand_ himself and infuse some life into it. If he had there would
+have been fun, for Handy's lovers were fearfully and wonderfully made.
+
+The third act passed pretty much as the two preceding acts, only more
+so, with fewer people in the house to see it. A number of noticeable
+yawns evidenced the frame of mind of those who remained.
+
+The curtain went up on the fourth act--that in which Fogg was going to
+do something. He had in the meantime been bracing up. When he made his
+entry and spoke, his manner of speech was somewhat thick, but his acting
+was more energetic. Fogg never could take anything stimulating without
+its going to his head, and as his brain exercised a peculiar influence
+over other members of his body, they all contributed their aid to
+illustrating his actual condition. He at length appeared to wake up to
+the actualities of the situation. So had _Camille_, so had the _Count de
+Varville_, and so had the audience--particularly the audience. Fogg
+strenuously warmed up. The first genuine manifestation on the part of
+the audience occurred when _Armand_, rising from the card-table and
+making a stage crossing, caught his foot in a hole in the carpet,
+caromed against the card-table, upset it, and measured his length on the
+boards. The audience burst into laughter. Audiences really enjoy such
+contretemps, cruel as such accidents or mishaps may be to the luckless
+player. Fogg arose and, wisely affecting not to notice the storm in
+front of the footlights, continued the scene. At length the moment was
+reached for him to shower gold on _Camille_, and by such insult endeavor
+to provoke a quarrel with _de Varville_. Hastily and clumsily drawing
+forth the property purse or bag of coin which Smith had prepared, he
+burst the fastening and showered the contents on the unfortunate
+_Camille_. Lo and behold! the property coin proved to be medium-sized
+brass buttons with long shanks. A far-sighted humorist among the
+audience caught sight of them and, with utter disregard of the dramatic
+situation and ignoring the consequences of his interference, unloosed
+his tongue and in a peculiar treble voice called out:
+
+"Button, button; who has the button?"
+
+The audience caught the ill-timed humor of the situation, _Camille_
+nearly collapsed, and the people on the stage with considerable
+difficulty restrained themselves from taking part in the prevailing
+hilarity. It was some time before the slightest semblance of order could
+be restored in front. Eventually, when something like quiet was
+restored, the act was played to a finish, in a somewhat fitful and
+highly nervous manner.
+
+Behind the curtain there was a very lively condition of things. _Armand_
+was furious; _Camille_ was engaged in giving a practical demonstration
+of hysterical stunts. She declared she would not go on any more. She was
+going to quit right there and then. It required all of Handy's
+persuasive eloquence to prevail on her to finish the performance.
+_Camille_ seemed to be firm in her resolve.
+
+"'Tis only the dying scene," urged Handy. "It's dead easy, and the merit
+of it is that it is the best act of all for you. Only for those
+unfortunate buttons everything would have gone off all serene. We were
+getting into the spirit of the thing when the mishap broke everything
+all up. I'll kill that blithering property man when I lay hands on him."
+
+Fogg had already started on the warpath after Smith, but Smith, having
+an intuitive knowledge that a meeting between himself and his leading
+man would result in strained relations, and not doubting for an instant
+that discretion is the better part of valor, beat a hasty retreat from
+the theatre, costumed and made up as he was, not even remaining long
+enough to wash the make-up from his face.
+
+It was debatable for several minutes whether the "angel" would finish
+_Camille_ or some obliging member of the company would undertake the
+job. None of the ladies appeared ambitious to shuffle off the mortal
+coil of the _Lady of the Camellias_. Finally, after a successful siege
+of coaxing, pleading, imploring, and entreating on the part of Handy,
+the "angel" consented. The curtain went up. _Camille_, under the
+circumstances, did the best she could in speaking the lines. An
+occasional titter from the audience conveyed only too plainly the
+information that the button incident was not yet forgotten.
+Notwithstanding, poor _Camille_ struggled bravely on. It was uphill
+work, but she persevered. At length the fateful moment arrived for
+_Armand_ to make his entrance. No sooner did he set his foot on the
+stage in view of the audience then again the voice of the serio-comic
+humorist in front, in the same weird tone, was, it must have been
+drowned in the laughter of the assemblage.
+
+"Ring down the curtain," piteously pleaded _Camille_ in an undertone
+from her deathbed.
+
+Handy stood in the wings, ready for any emergency likely to turn up, and
+in a very audible prompt whisper replied: "Go on, go on with the scene.
+Die as fast as you can. Don't give them any fancy dying frills, but
+croak at once and have done with it."
+
+Whether the people in front overheard the manager's imperative prompting
+or that the echo of "button" was still ringing in their ears, the death
+scene of _Camille_ was presented as it had never been before--with peals
+of laughter. _Camille_ made a final effort, and then fell back on the
+bed. There was something in the realistic manner of the act that caught
+the quick perception of the audience. The people on the stage also were
+attracted by it, and they gathered about the fallen star. The curtain
+was rung down on the double-quick. The poor girl remained motionless in
+the position she had fallen. The effort had proven too much, the strain
+too great--she had been completely overcome, had broken down and
+collapsed.
+
+Handy and Fogg later in the night were seated together in a little back
+room of the hotel. Fogg was crestfallen--Handy thoughtful. Only a slight
+exchange of conversation passed between them. At length the silence was
+broken.
+
+"Fogg," asked Handy, "do you believe in a hereafter?"
+
+"What a singular question."
+
+"Never mind about its singularity. Do you?"
+
+"Certainly I do."
+
+"In heaven, and all that kind of thing?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then take a friend's advice. Never again undertake the support of an
+'angel' until you reach heaven. They have no buttons there."
+
+The humor was wasted on Fogg. He was too humiliated to relish any kind
+of a joke. After lingering a short time, he retired. The veteran
+remained thoughtful, taking some consolation from his briarwood and a
+steaming hot Scotch. For some minutes he continued in what for some
+reason or other is known as a brown study. How long he might have
+continued in that condition it is not necessary to speculate on. A tap
+at the window aroused him from his revery. He glanced in the direction
+from whence the sound came. There he beheld the well-known face of his
+first lieutenant, Smith. He motioned Handy to come to him. Handy was too
+comfortable where he was. He bade Smith come right in. Smith shook his
+head and pantomimed Handy to survey his get-up. The latter recognized
+the situation, swallowed the contents of his glass, and stepped outside.
+The meeting was not at first particularly cordial, but when Handy
+comprehended the predicament in which his friend had placed himself he
+laughed.
+
+"You're a beaut, you are. It's a mighty lucky thing Fogg didn't catch
+you, let me tell you. If he had, it's dollars to doughnuts there would
+be a funeral in the Smith family in the near future; and what's more,
+you wouldn't have a word as to choice of vehicle in which you went to
+the cemetery. But say, why on earth are you masquerading about the
+streets in that get-up?"
+
+"Oh, cut all that!" replied Smith, "and tell me how I'm going to get my
+street togs. They are in the dressing-room at the theatre, and I can't
+go gallivanting through the streets in this rig. Do you want to have me
+pinched and locked up, eh?"
+
+"Didn't you come from there in 'em?"
+
+"Sure I came in 'em. I had to. I would have come out without anything, I
+was so scared of that lunatic Fogg. But, say, you got through with the
+show all right."
+
+"Oh, yes. Oh, yes! We got through with the show all--wrong, but----"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"The season is closed."
+
+"Closed!" repeated Smith anxiously. "You don't mean it?"
+
+"Yes, but I do mean it. The game is up. No more 'Camille.' The 'angel'
+has fallen. She has had all the starring she wants, and starts
+heavenwards to-morrow on the Pennsylvania limited for the Lord knows
+where."
+
+"An' Fogg--whither goest he?"
+
+"He accompanies her as a kind of guardian angel."
+
+"An'--an'--a--the--salaries, what about them?"
+
+"They remain."
+
+"With whom?" asked Smith.
+
+"They are all right. The 'angel' does the decent thing, and puts up for
+the entire week."
+
+"An' then----"
+
+"Oh, you want to know too much! Maybe I will try and fill in the dates
+myself. I don't exactly know yet, but for mercy sake, come in with me
+and run up to my room, wash the grease paint and make-up off your mug,
+and I will let you have my ulster to cover you while you go back to the
+theatre and get your clothes."
+
+On his return, Smith rejoined his manager and they spent the night
+together. Next morning Handy was up early, and after a conference with
+Miss De la Rue and Mr. Fogg he called on the landlord and settled the
+hotel bill. He then accompanied the "angel" and Fogg to the station and
+saw them both safely on the train. The lady resolved to abandon all
+histrionic ambition, and never after sought the fickle fame of the
+footlights, and Fogg ever since shows an affected contempt for anyone
+who sees anything to laugh at over the button episode of his
+extraordinary one-night season with the "angel" _Camille_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+    I am not an imposter that proclaim
+    Myself against the level of my aim.
+
+    --ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
+
+
+After Handy returned to the hotel, having parted with his "angel" and
+his star at the station, the first man he met was his landlord, a
+somewhat smart and shrewd, speculative individual, who was not adverse
+at odd times to trying to turn an honest penny by occasional incursions
+into the alluring and fascinating domain of speculation. He had a
+weakness for the theatre, the race-track, the stock market, the trotting
+circuit, etc. He was willing, when the opportunity presented itself, to
+put a trifle into any of these hazards by way of a flyer, as he termed
+it, provided he thought he saw a chance to make a little something on
+the side. He had already made a small stake on stocks, secured a fair
+return from an investment in oil, and came out about even on the
+race-track. Up to this time, however, he had never indulged in the
+luxury of a theatrical venture, notwithstanding the hankering he had at
+times to dabble in that direction. As soon as he saw Handy he called him
+aside and began a little preliminary skirmishing, and in a roundabout
+way started in to lay bare the strenuous thoughts that were agitating
+his mind. He opened up the subject by inquiring when the company
+proposed to go back.
+
+"On the 2.30 train," answered Handy, not knowing or caring whether there
+was a train at that particular hour or not. "Why do you ask?"
+
+"Well, I was just thinking"--and the landlord spoke with measured
+care--"I was just thinking, as I said, that perhaps you and I might be
+able to arrange some kind of a deal to give a show at Gotown, make a
+stake, and whack up on the profits. What do you say?"
+
+"Gotown! Gotown!" replied Handy. "Never heard of it. No, I guess not.
+You see, times are pretty brisk now; good people are in demand, and if
+we remain away from the city for any length of time some of the company
+might lose the opportunity of a steady engagement for the season. No, I
+can't take the risk."
+
+Handy was anxious, nevertheless, to make the venture, and he felt
+satisfied the company would stick by him.
+
+"There's money in it for the two of us," urged mine host of the inn.
+"The outlay will not be much, and the profits will be all ours to split
+up. It will be the first show that was ever given in the place!"
+
+"What!" exclaimed the veteran, in surprise.
+
+"It will be the first show ever given in the town."
+
+"You take my breath away. Say, you don't mean to tell me there is one
+town in the United States that has escaped the showman?"
+
+"Yes. Gotown has, an' I'll gamble on it," said the landlord.
+
+"Stay! There must be some kind of a rink there?"
+
+"No."
+
+"No rink."
+
+"No."
+
+"A museum, then--moving-pictures snap?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Has there been a circus there recently?"
+
+"Never had a circus within miles of it."
+
+Handy seemed puzzled. He looked at the landlord, and his face bore a
+quizzical expression as he said: "Say, mister, what in thunder kind of a
+place is this Gotown, anyway--a cemetery?"
+
+The landlord laughed, Handy wondered, and neither spoke for some time.
+It perplexed the veteran to reconcile with his mind the fact that there
+happened to be hid away, a town in the United States that had not yet
+been tapped by the industrious and ubiquitous showman. Reflection,
+however, might have convinced him that it was not such an extraordinary
+circumstance, after all. In this glorious and growing country cities and
+towns spring up in an unprecedentedly brief period through the magic
+influence of intelligence and industry. The discovery of some product
+that for ages has laid sealed up in the secret laboratories of nature in
+a little time has transformed the seeming sterility of a wilderness into
+the productiveness of a cultivated garden. The labor of brains and
+hands, preceding the employment of energy and capital, breaks the
+silence of time and makes way for the music of practical development.
+Active brain and toiling hands had won from mother earth rich stores and
+transformed the apparent barrenness of the ground convenient to where
+Gotown sprang up into the nucleus of a flourishing city. Someone had
+struck oil.
+
+"Is it a cemetery? you ask," said the landlord, after he had enjoyed
+Handy's amusing inquiry. "A cemetery, eh? Well, all I can say is that
+you'll find in Gotown the liveliest lot of ghosts you ever tackled in
+your life, if you visit the place. Gotown, a cemetery! Well, I'll be
+darned if that ain't the best I've heard in a blue moon!" and again he
+started in laughing. "Why, bless your soul, man, no one has had time to
+die there yet. Not on your life! Gotown will be Petroleum City before it
+gets out of its knickerbockers, or I'm a Dutchman."
+
+Handy opened his eyes in surprise. The actual situation flashed suddenly
+on him.
+
+"Struck oil there, eh?"
+
+"Rich."
+
+"Many wells?"
+
+"Let me see! There's the Anna Held, the Billy Brady, the Bob Hilliard,
+the Peerless One, the Teddy on the Spot, the----"
+
+"Oh, never mind the names. Skip them. Oil wells by any old names smell
+just the same. How many of them?"
+
+"Ten, fifteen--maybe double that. Can't exactly tell. They are boring
+all the time and striking it rich."
+
+"'Nuff sed. And you tell me they never had a show there?"
+
+"Why, darn it, man! the town was only christened about a year ago."
+
+"Then we'll confirm it and open its gates to the histrionic industry of
+the country. I'll have a talk with the company. But we will have to
+arrange about some printing."
+
+The gleam that illumined the landlord's face at the mention of printing
+was a study. Handy was somewhat mystified, and he was still more
+surprised when the landlord, with a knowing look--a look all landlords
+seems to hold a patent on--bent over and said: "Leave that to me, and
+you'll be satisfied. We'll get the winter's supplies out of this snap.
+Come, let's have something." With this hospitable suggestion, both men
+made a flank movement in the direction of the café.
+
+"Now, then," began Handy, "did I understand you to say you could fix the
+printing?"
+
+"You did."
+
+"How?"
+
+"Well, I will put you wise in that direction. Will you smoke? All right.
+Now, then, light up an' we'll take a comfortable seat by the stove."
+
+"Lead on, Macbeth, and--well, you know the rest of it."
+
+Drawing up a couple of well-seasoned chairs, they both settled down for
+a practical business talk.
+
+"I have," said the landlord, "in the storeroom a stack of printing. I
+came by it in this way. There was a show out here about a year ago. The
+company got stranded; could go no further, and, to make a long story
+short, when the troupe started to walk home the printing remained
+behind. Exhibit No. 1."
+
+"I'm on. Proceed."
+
+"Let me further elucidate. I had a partner who at one time was in the
+bill-posting profession--it is a profession now, isn't it?" Handy
+smiled. "Well, he had a bit of money--not a great deal, and he invested
+in the line of publicity. Well, he was called away suddenly. He didn't
+exactly die--but that's of no consequence, and his assets dropped into
+my hands for safe-keeping. Among the valuables was a lot of
+miscellaneous printing of all kinds, plain and colored--and of all sorts
+and sizes--a dandy assortment. Exhibit No. 2."
+
+"Fire away!"
+
+"Furthermore, old Phineas Pressman, the town printer here, owes me a
+bill. It isn't much, but little as it is I can't squeeze a red cent of
+ready money out of him, and I see no earthly way of getting square with
+him only by giving him an order for whatever new printing stuff we may
+require, and in that way change the balance of trade in my direction.
+Exhibit No. 3. Do I make myself clear?"
+
+"Perfectly."
+
+"But you don't seem to enthuse over the prospects."
+
+"No," answered Handy calmly. "No, I'm no enthuser. I was just turning
+over in my mind your proposition. As I have not seen your paper, how it
+would suit, I can't imagine what it looks like."
+
+"What in thunder has that got to do with the case? Paper is paper,
+printing is printing, and pictures are pictures, ain't they?"
+
+"Quite correct, my friend. But you must bear in mind that they might not
+fit any show that the company could do itself credit in."
+
+"Stuff and nonsense! You make me slightly weary," replied the landlord.
+"Suppose it don't--what then? If the printing don't suit the play or the
+entertainment, what's the matter with the entertainment being made to
+fit in and suit the printing? Don't they all do it? What do you think
+printers and lithographers butt in and become theatrical managers for?
+For the sake and love of art, eh? Rot! You know as well as I do that
+this pictorial work you see stuck up all around hardly ever represents
+the thing they give on the stage and to see which the theatre-going
+public puts up its good coin to enjoy. Why, bless my soul, Mr. Handy,
+there's hardly a show on the road to-day that don't lay its managers
+liable to arraignment for obtaining money under false pretenses by the
+brilliancy of the printing and the stupidity and poverty of the
+performance."
+
+"You talk like a reformer!"
+
+"Reformers be hanged! I was about to tell you that some time ago there
+was a movement on foot in one or two of the Western States to secure the
+passage of a legal measure compelling showmen to actually present on the
+stage what their pictorial work on the dead walls and billboards
+promised. If the shows now going the rounds were half as good as their
+printing, they'd be works of art."
+
+"Say, boss!" remarked Handy admiringly, "you have the real Simon pure
+theatrical managerial instinct in you, you have. You haven't always been
+in the hotel business?"
+
+"Nix, I had at one time the candy privilege with a circus, and I had to
+keep my eyes open, I tell you."
+
+"Shake, old man," as Handy extended his hand. "When you began talking
+printing I knew you were on to the racket and understood something about
+the theatrical biz. Why, you're one of us. You belong to the profesh."
+
+"Oh, give us a rest with your nonsense! What are you chinning about? I
+am just a plain, common, every-day innkeeper."
+
+"Suppose you are. Let it go at that, and let me tell you times are
+advancing. We live in a great age--a progressive and changeable age.
+There was a time when theatres and theatrical companies were managed or
+directed by men who were actors, or had been actors, or by men who had a
+love for the business, and had some particular talent or fitness for the
+trade; but nowadays all that is changed, and all sorts of chaps have
+butted in for the sake of what's in it for them. It is not, let me tell
+you, an unusual thing to find the druggist of yesterday, or the
+commercial drummer, or newspaper man of the week previous, become the
+impresario of an opera troupe or the manager of a playhouse the
+following week. This is a most changeable as well as progressive and
+strenuous age."
+
+"You speak like a philosopher, Mr. Handy."
+
+"Do they tell the truth?"
+
+"They are credited with doing so."
+
+"Then you can safely bet on my talk."
+
+"Now, then--what about Gotown?"
+
+"I'm with you. We'll tackle Gotown on miscellaneous paper. There's my
+hand on it."
+
+That afternoon Handy and the landlord started for the scene of
+operations, to look the place over. Before going, Handy had an interview
+with the members of the company, unfolded his plans to them, and drew a
+flattering picture of the prospects of success. A few of them hesitated
+and decided to go home, but enough remained to enable the veteran to
+carry out his scheme. To Smith was entrusted the duty of ascertaining
+the strong points of the individual members of the troupe and finding in
+what particular line their talents would show to the best advantage.
+
+"Try them in song and dance," were Handy's instructions to his
+lieutenant, "and all that kind of thing. We will have to fake this show
+in red-hot style. We are not going to play to any Metropolitan Opera
+House, Dan Frohman, or Dave Belasco audience. Don't forget, old man, we
+are going into a mining district where we will have the first go at it.
+Quantity not quality must be our motto. Remember, above all things,
+Smith, that the corned beef and cabbage of the menu will be more
+acceptable for a starter than the roast beef and plum pudding of
+dramatic art. Take your cue from the great far West. The young towns out
+there have all gone through a similar experience, until now they have
+become so fastidious that nothing less than grand opera, with a bunch of
+foreign stars, or a presentation of imported plays and play actors can
+satisfy their cultivated tastes. Let your show dish be well hashed and
+don't, above all things, neglect the histrionic pepper and mustard. The
+more highly seasoned it is the more kindly our patrons will take to the
+theatrical feast we will be compelled to give them."
+
+"Leave that to me."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+    "I'll view the manners of the town,
+    Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings."
+
+    --COMEDY OF ERRORS.
+
+
+Handy and the landlord spent the late afternoon and a good portion of
+the night in Gotown. It was a strange, straggling-looking arrangement of
+recently put together frame houses, cranes, derricks, and piles of
+lumber. So newly built were the habitations that many of them were
+devoid of paint. It was to all intents and purposes an active, stirring,
+busy little place--a hive of industry. Handy and his friend made a
+casual survey of the locality, paid visits to a number of saloons,--the
+town in that respect being well equipped,--and made several
+acquaintances. From what they had seen and heard they came to the
+conclusion they could "pull off" a fairly good-sized stake as the result
+of their venture.
+
+Without going into detail to any great extent, the two men made the
+following agreement: Handy engaged to put up his experience and the
+services of the company against the landlord's capital. That is, mine
+host of the inn was to defray all the expenses of the undertaking,
+including cost of transportation, board, and lodging for the company
+that was to supply the entertainment. Of whatever came in the landlord
+was to take half and Handy the other half. From his share of the
+proceeds Handy was to make good to the company.
+
+"It seems to me," remarked Handy, "we stand a purty fair chance to do
+something here. But, say, we haven't yet seen the hall or theatre or
+ranch we're goin' to show in."
+
+"That's so," replied his companion. "Let's just cut across lots here and
+go and see Ed McGowan. This way," and they made a bee-line through a
+field.
+
+"Ed McGowan," repeated Handy. "Who is he?"
+
+"Big Ed? Why, he bosses the job of the crack gin-mill of the outfit, and
+runs things."
+
+"A good man," says Handy, "to be on the right side of, if he's all
+right."
+
+"Is it Ed? You bet! Why, Ed is the Pierpont Morgan of the whole lay-out.
+He's nobody now, apparently, but wait 'till he gets his fine work in an'
+he'll own the whole shooting-match. Mark what I'm a-tellin' you."
+
+"Is the hall convenient to his laboratory?" quizzically inquired Handy.
+
+"Darned if I know. When I was up here a couple of weeks or so ago Ed
+told me he was goin' to put up a hall or something where the boys, as he
+called them, could have a dance or a slugging match, or a show,--any old
+thing, in fact, that came along in the way of diversion and amusement."
+
+"Say, boss," said Handy, somewhat puzzled, "are you serious or are you
+stringin' me?"
+
+"I don't understand."
+
+"We start even, then, for blow me if I understand you."
+
+"Please explain yourself."
+
+"I'll do my plainest!"
+
+"Skip the prelims and get down to facts. I ask you to point out the hall
+we're to give the show in, and you treat me to a ghost story about some
+fellow named Ed McGowan who thinks about putting up one where the boys
+can have a dance, see a show, take part in a slugging match or indulge
+in any other eccentricities too superfluous to enumerate. I confess I
+have been on many wild-goose chases in my somewhat long and varied
+career, but this takes the gingerbread. Now let me ask you frankly, is
+there a hall at all, at all, in the place?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Great Cæsar's ghost! What? Don't know? Say, is there an Ed McGowan,
+then? Boss, I'm growin' desperate," and the veteran looked as if he was.
+
+"Sure there is," replied the landlord, with a laugh.
+
+"Then for the Lord's sake lead me out of this wilderness of doubt into
+his presence."
+
+Not another word was spoken until they crossed the threshold of Ed
+McGowan's barroom. It differed little from other places of its class,
+save that it had a bigger stove, a greater number of chairs, a more
+extensive counter for business purposes, and a more extensive display of
+glassware reflected in the mammoth mirror.
+
+"Hello, hello, Weston, old fellow! Glad to see you!" was the salutation
+that rang out in a cheery voice after the newcomers had made their
+entry. "What in thunder brings you up to these diggin's?"
+
+McGowan had a playful little way of addressing his friends by the name
+of the places from which they hailed. He was a good specimen of man, and
+could tip the scales at two hundred. Above middle height, he was a big,
+broad-shouldered, deep-chested, bow-windowed, good-natured kind of
+chap--one who would travel a long distance to do a good turn for a
+friend and travel equally far to get square with a foe. At the time of
+the entrance of the theatrical projectors, big Ed was vigorously
+employed in getting something like a shine or polish on the top of his
+bar.
+
+"Just a minute an' I'll be with you," said the big fellow, after the
+first greetings were exchanged. "Let me get things a bit shipshape an'
+I'll join you," and with that he gave another strenuous sweep of his
+muscular arm along the woodwork. "I want to have things looking trim
+before the night services begin. What's your weakness now, Wes?" he
+added. "A little hot stuff, eh? I thought so. I knew how that
+proposition would strike you. I've got something on hand that'll warm
+the cockles of your heart. Got it in a week ago. It's the real thing--it
+is. And your friend--the same? Good. Patsy, make three nice hot Irishes.
+No, not that bottle--you know the one I mean. J.J. Yes! That's it."
+
+By this time McGowan had completed his arduous labor and joined his
+comrades in front of the bar.
+
+"Well, old man," he said, slapping Weston in a friendly manner on the
+shoulder, "how is the world treating you, anyhow? Ain't you lost a bit
+up here in these diggin's?"
+
+"Oh, I have no kick coming," was the reply. "Mr. McGowan, I want you to
+shake hands with my friend, Mr. Handy, of New York."
+
+"Glad to know Mr. Handy. You hail from the big city, eh? I'm a New
+Yorker myself--left there some time ago. A good many years have rolled
+on since then. I suppose I'd hardly know the place now. Set them over
+yonder, Patsy, near the stove. Come, boys, sit down. Just as cheap to
+sit as stand, and more comfortable. Well, here's my pious regards, and,
+as my old friend, Major Cullinan used to say, 'May the Lord take a
+liking to us, but not too soon.' New York, eh?" and McGowan's memory
+seemed, at the sound of the name, to wander back to old familiar scenes
+of days gone by.
+
+"Yes," said Handy; "hail from there, but I travel about a good deal."
+
+"A traveling man--a drummer, eh?"
+
+"Well, I do play a bit on the drum at times," said Handy, with a smile,
+"but I'm only a poor devil of an actor, if I'm anything."
+
+"An actor, and a New Yorker. Shake again. Put it there," as he extended
+his hand. Then looking at Handy closely for a moment, he turned to
+Weston and said: "Say, Wes, I know this man, though he don't seem to
+know me."
+
+"Indeed, Mr. McGowan, you have the best of me."
+
+"Sure," responded McGowan. "Well, here's to our noble selves," and the
+trio drained their cups. "An' now, Mr. Handy, to prove my words that I
+know you. You used to spout in the old Bowery Theatre? Ah, I thought so.
+Knew Bill Whalley? Of course you did. Poor Bill--he's dead. A good
+actor, but a better fellow. He was his own worst friend. And there was
+Eddy. Eddy. Eddy. He was a corker. Yes, he cashed in many years ago.
+Then there was Mrs. W. G. Jones. God bless her! Dead. God rest her soul.
+She was the salt of the earth. And what has become of J. B. Studley?
+Wasn't he a dandy, though, in Indian war plays? You bet! Jim McCloskey,
+I think, used to fix them up for him. And will you ever forget G.
+L.--Fox, I mean. There never was his equal in funny characters, and as a
+pantomimist no one ever took his place. They tell me the old spout shop
+is now turned into a Yiddish theatre. Well! well! well! How times are
+changed! I suppose the fellows I knew in days gone by are changed
+too--those of them that remain, I mean. The ones that are dead I know
+are."
+
+"Yes," replied Handy, "you'd find New York a much changed city since
+then. It was, I believe, Dutch originally; then for a time the Irish had
+a hack at it; but all the nations of the earth having sent in their
+contributions of all sorts and sizes and tongues, it's purty hard now to
+make out what it is."
+
+"Wonders will never stop ceasing, will they? Well, Wes"--and Big Ed
+turned and directed his attention to the landlord--"what did you come up
+here for? You came up after something. What's the little game? Want to
+buy land?"
+
+"No. I'll tell you. Our friend here, Mr. Handy, at my suggestion, made
+this visit with me to see you on a little speculation of our own. Mr.
+Handy a week--not quite a week ago--came out to my town with a
+theatrical troupe to show for a week. The company played one night, when
+the staress grew tired and quit after the first heat and went home to
+mother. This brought the season to a premature close."
+
+"Nothing particularly new in that," answered McGowan; "but continue."
+
+"Well, under the circumstances we--Mr. Handy and myself--got our heads
+together and came to the conclusion to run up here and have a talk with
+you and see if we couldn't make some arrangements to bring the company
+up and give a show."
+
+"I see. That's the racket, eh? Where did you propose to give it?"
+
+"In that new hall of yours, of course."
+
+"My new hall, eh?" replied McGowan, in surprise, and laughing. "Why,
+Wes, the gol-darned thing ain't built yet, but the men are at work on
+it. If it was ready I'd like nothin' better than inauguratin' the place
+with a show, for between ourselves I'm a bit stuck on theatre-acting
+myself. I'm sorry. The carpenters started in over a week ago and this is
+Tuesday."
+
+"And is there no other place?"
+
+"Let me see. No, I don't think so. Kaufman's barn was burned down last
+week, so you couldn't storm that now. Siegel's wouldn't be just the
+place, and, besides, they have other cattle there now, so that's out of
+the question. You might get a loan of the church--no, the church is not
+a church. We only call it so for respectability's sake. It is used for
+almost any old thing on week days, and on Sunday a dominie from an
+adjoining parish tackles sermons once in a while. But then, I hardly
+think it would suit. But hold on a minute--when did you expect to come
+here?"
+
+"Well, we thought of getting here Saturday night."
+
+"Saturday night!" exclaimed McGowan, in surprise. "Why didn't you say so
+at first?"
+
+"What's the matter now?"
+
+"Saturday night! Why, I thought you meant to descend on us to-morrow
+night. 'Nuff sed. Say no more. The academy will be ready for you."
+
+"The what?"
+
+"The Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music will be ready for inauguration
+by a company of distinguished actors--all stars, more or less--from the
+principal theatres of the metropolis--next Saturday night," replied Big
+Ed in a grandiloquent outburst.
+
+"You don't mean it, Ed?" said the Weston landlord, somewhat amazed at
+the suggestion.
+
+"Can't be did," said Handy.
+
+"Can't, eh?" remarked McGowan, with a smile of contempt on his cheery
+face. "You don't know Gotown, my friend. Come here," he continued, as he
+rose from his chair and moved toward the door and motioned his friends
+to follow. "It is purty dark outside, but no matter about that. Look out
+yonder and tell me what you see?"
+
+"Not much of anything now, but the faint outlines of a bunch of houses,
+cranes, derricks, and things, and a lot of lights," replied Handy.
+
+"Right you are in what you say. Now listen to me and hear what I have to
+say. Had you stood on this same spot you are now standing on, a year
+since, and in broad daylight, the only thing you'd have seen, barrin'
+the ground, would be the cattle in the field--and darned few of them, at
+that--and a few houses here and there, miles apart. A year ago, my
+friend, lacking a few days, Gotown didn't exist. Isn't what I'm tellin'
+him true, Myles?" said the speaker, appealing for corroboration of his
+statement to one who was evidently a steady patron of the McGowan
+establishment, and who was about to enter.
+
+"That's about the size of the truth of it. A year ago, come next
+Saturday night, we christened her, all right, all right."
+
+"What's that you said?" asked Handy, suddenly brightening up. "A year
+ago, did you say? Christopher Columbus! if we only had a place to show
+in we could celebrate the centennial anniversary of Gotown."
+
+His hearers burst into laughter, and Big Ed concluded that the way Handy
+took in the situation was worthy of a treat on the house, to which the
+newcomer, Myles O'Hara, was specially invited.
+
+"Say, Myles," inquired the boss, as they stood in front of the bar, "how
+long will it take to finish the Academy?"
+
+"Inside and outside?"
+
+"Yes. Both. Complete."
+
+"Well, that depinds. As Rafferty has the contract, I should say three
+days."
+
+"Three days!" exclaimed Handy and his friend from Weston.
+
+"I'm spakin'!" replied Myles, in a consequential manner. "An' be the
+same token, I know what I'm talkin' about. Three days sure, an' mind
+yez, Ed, I don't say that bekase I work for Rafferty. I'm not that kind
+of a man."
+
+"An' make a good job of it?" asked McGowan.
+
+"Well, he may not give you much gingerbread work in the shape of
+decorations, but you'll have a dacint-lookin' house enuff for an academy
+of music."
+
+"Ed," interposed the man from Weston, "if you could only get the place
+ready, what a Jim Dandy house-warming we'd have, in addition to the
+celebration commemorating the birthday of the town! Do you think the job
+can be put through on schedule time?"
+
+This made Myles a trifle irritated. "Arrah, what are yez spakin' about?
+Look-a here, me frind, I'm givin' ye no ghost story. Didn't Rafferty put
+up ould Judge Flaherty's house inside of a week, and moved in the day it
+was finished, an' thin have a wake there the next evening," argued
+Myles, by the way of a clincher to his argument.
+
+"All right, Myles, I know you know what men can do if it comes to a
+pinch," responded Big Ed, somewhat nervously. "But let me ask you, could
+a stage be put in the hall for the opening?"
+
+"A stage--do yez main an omnibus?"
+
+"No, I don't mean no omnibus," replied the big fellow, with a humorous
+twinkle in his eye.
+
+"A scaffoldin', thin, I persume ye main," continued Myles.
+
+"Oh, darn it, no! I mean a stage--a stage for acting on."
+
+"Oh, I see now. I comprehind. A stage for show actors," replied O'Hara,
+as if a sudden light had dawned upon his not particularly brilliant
+imagination. "Let me ask yez, what's the matter with a few impty
+beer-kegs standing up ag'in' the wall, an' in the middle, with beams
+stretched acrost them and fastened on with tin-pinny nails, and afther
+that some nice clain boords nailed on the top ov thim? Wouldn't thim be
+good enuff for show actin'?"
+
+"Don't say another word, Myles," said McGowan. Then turning to Handy and
+his friend: "We'll guarantee to have everything all right on time, so
+far as the academy is concerned, and if you fellows do the rest and
+provide and arrange the entertainment, we'll make Gotown hum on Saturday
+night."
+
+"You mean it, eh?" asked Weston.
+
+"I'm chirpin', I am," replied McGowan.
+
+"Next Saturday night?" inquired Myles.
+
+"Sure."
+
+"It's payday, too."
+
+"So it is," said McGowan cheerily.
+
+"An' yez know what payday means in a new town wid a show on the spot."
+
+"I should say I did."
+
+"Well, as I was about to say," continued Myles, "wid an entertainment on
+hand, indepindint of its bein' the anniversary to commimorate the
+foundashon of the place, I think Gotown will make a record for herself
+on that occasion."
+
+"Myles, you've a great head," laughingly suggested Big Ed, at the same
+time slapping the speaker playfully on the shoulder. "Wouldn't you like
+to take a hand in the entertainment yourself, with Mr. Handy's consent,
+and make an opening address?"
+
+"Ed McGowan, ye're very kind, but spakin' is not my stronghowld; but let
+me be afther tellin' yez I kin howld me own wid the best of 'em, no
+matter where they're from, in the line of a bit of dancin'," and O'Hara
+stepped out on the floor and illustrated his story with a few fancy
+steps of an Irish jig which made an instantaneous hit with the crowd.
+
+McGowan laughed outright and applauded; Weston joined him in
+appreciative merriment, while Handy merely contented himself with a
+smile, as he was mentally absorbed in a study of Myles O'Hara. Handy was
+a man of emergencies. He thought quickly and acted promptly. He rarely
+missed a point he could turn to advantage. He fancied he saw in Myles
+O'Hara an auxiliary that might prove valuable. Handy's company was weak
+in terpsichorean talent, and he determined to strengthen it by securing
+local talent through the services of the representative from Gotown.
+
+"Mr. O'Hara," said Handy, addressing Myles, "did I understand you to say
+that you were something of a dancer?"
+
+"That you did, sir; an' so was my father afore me, God rest his sowl!
+Let me tell yez that at sixty-eight years the owld man was as light on
+his feet as a two-year-owld."
+
+"Then, Mr. O'Hara, might I take the liberty to suggest that in honor of
+the day we are going to celebrate you will give your friends an
+exhibition of your skill at our entertainment next Saturday night?"
+
+"Arrah, what the divil do you take me for? Is it a show actor you want
+to make out of me, I dunno?"
+
+"Oh, no, indeed, Mr. O'Hara!" replied Handy, in his most complaisant
+manner of speech. "I would not undertake that job. But I thought on that
+eventful occasion----"
+
+"And," broke in McGowan, "if you do, it will make you solid with the
+boys. You know they like you purty well as it is, but when they hear you
+are going to take part in the anniversary entertainment you can have
+anything you want from them."
+
+"Are yez sayrious, I dunno, at all, at all?" inquired Myles, somewhat
+dubiously.
+
+"Am I?" responded McGowan. "Now, Myles, you know I have always had a
+great regard for you, and do you think I'd speak as I have done unless I
+was in earnest?"
+
+O'Hara reflected a moment, then turning to McGowan, said: "Ed, look-a
+here."
+
+"Yes, Myles, what is it?"
+
+"Bethune ourselves, an' on the level, what d'ye think the owld woman
+would say?"
+
+"Be tickled to death over it."
+
+"An' the childer--what about thim?"
+
+"They'd be no standin' 'em. Why, man alive, they'd be as proud as
+peacocks."
+
+"D'ye think so?"
+
+"Think so, no; I know so, sure!"
+
+"That settles it. Say, Mr. Handy,"--addressing the manager,--"have yez a
+good fiddler that can play Irish chunes?"
+
+At this juncture Weston took a hand in the discussion, and, with an
+anxious desire to solve the musical problem, suggested: "We'll fix that
+all right, all right, as we intend to have the Weston Philharmonic
+Handel and Hayden Society--I think that's the name of the union--to
+operate as an orchestra, and Herr Heintzleman, the leader, who is a
+corking good fiddler, will play the dance music for you."
+
+"Heintzleman!" repeated Myles, in apparent disgust. "No, sur! No
+Heintzleman for mine. Not much! What! Have a Pennsylvania Dutchman play
+an Irish jig for me? Arrah, what the divil are yez all dreamin' about?"
+
+"Hold on, Myles, hold on! Don't get mad. Keep yer shirt on," interposed
+McGowan, as a peacemaker. "Myles, you and Dinny Dempsey, the blind
+piper, used to be good friends. Now, suppose we get Dinny. How will he
+suit you?"
+
+"Now yez are spakin' something like rayson, Ed McGowan. If Dinny Dimpsey
+does the piping work, I'll do the dancin'."
+
+"Is that a go, Myles?"
+
+"There's me hand on it."
+
+"Then Dempsey will be hired specially for you, even if I have to put up
+for him myself."
+
+"But he must come on the flure wid me."
+
+"Sure, Myles."
+
+"An' another thing, he must come on sober. I won't shake a leg or do a
+step if Dinny has any drink in him beforehand. Yez had betther
+understhand that."
+
+"That's a go. I promise you shall have Dempsey, and, what's more, I
+guarantee he will not have a sup of anything until after the show; but
+after the show is over he can have all he can conveniently put under his
+skin."
+
+This brought the preliminary proceedings to an end. By the way of
+closing the bargain, all hands, on the invitation of the proprietor,
+stepped up to the bar and made another attack on McGowan's best. The
+evening was drawing to a close; night had set in, and Handy and Weston,
+having finished their business, were anxious to get away. Gotown was a
+short distance from the railroad station. After they had lighted their
+cigars they were ready to start homeward bound.
+
+"Hold on a minute and I'll walk over with you to the train."
+
+Patsy came from behind the bar and helped the boss on with his coat, and
+the three started away.
+
+On their way across lots they talked of many things appertaining to the
+forthcoming entertainment.
+
+"By the way, Mr. McGowan," said Handy, "is there any danger about the
+hall not being ready for us on Saturday night?"
+
+"Make your mind easy on that score," replied McGowan, with confidence.
+"When I get back to the store and give it out that I must have the hall
+finished by noon on Saturday, in order to celebrate properly and in
+A-No. 1 style the anniversary with a show at night, why, man alive! I'll
+have more men to go to work to-morrow morning than would be wanted to
+finish two Gotown Metropolitan Academies of Music in the time specified.
+Yes, sir; when I tell you a thing like that you can bank on it. You
+don't know me yet, Mr. Handy. But see here, I won't promise to furnish
+the scenery and other fixin's. Another thing, we don't go much on paint
+up here. Ain't got no time to waste over ornamentation yet, but I
+suppose we'll have that weakness in due time. So you'll have to fix all
+trimmin's yourselves. Yez needn't be too particular. We'll have to make
+allowance for that. Give the boys plenty of fun and life and they'll
+excuse the pictures and gingerbread. If the acting is good and strong
+you need have no fear. It is only when the acting is weak and of an
+inferior quality that fine clothes and grand painted scenery is
+necessary to cover it up. At least them's my sentiments. You must have
+some stuff down in your town, Wes, in the theatre that'll help us out?"
+
+"That'll be all right. I'll attend to that part of the job," replied
+Wes.
+
+"Is there any particular style of entertainment you would suggest?"
+inquired Handy.
+
+"No," answered Big Ed. "No, so long as it is good, plain, old-fashioned
+acting, it will be all right. Only don't attempt to give us any of the
+new style, the bread and butter and milk and water kind of thing they
+are dealing out in the theatres in the big cities these days. Let me put
+you wise. We don't go much on style--we believe in the simple life. But
+whatever you act, give it to them good and strong. Well, here we are and
+here's your train. Got your tickets? Yes! All right. Skip aboard.
+Saturday morning I'll be on the look-out for you. So long! Good-night!
+Safe home!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+     "Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or vaudeville where
+     you find no great meanings?"
+     --GEORGE ELIOT.
+
+
+When Handy and his pro tem landlord arrived in Weston they discovered
+the ever-faithful Smith at the station awaiting them. He had been on the
+look-out for over an hour. As he had nothing in particular to occupy his
+mind, the railroad station was as interesting a place as any he could
+find in which to loiter. The evening was not particularly agreeable;
+Smith, however, did not mind a little thing like that. He could stand
+it; besides, he was most anxious to meet his manager immediately and
+ascertain what the future promised from actual and personal observation.
+He was pleased when the train rolled in and the two advance men
+alighted. Few words were exchanged between Smith and his principal, but
+few as they were, he was convinced that the visit to Gotown was
+satisfactory. The trio reached the hotel in time for a substantial
+supper. That disposed of, and when the dishes were cleared away, Handy
+began to unburden himself:
+
+"I wish to see the members of the company to-night, Smith, and have a
+talk with them. We have secured the opening night in a brand-new house
+next Saturday night--the Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music. Don't
+look surprised. It is a fact. The place isn't quite completed yet, and
+may not be altogether finished when we open it. However, that cuts no
+ice, for I never in my experience found a newly built theatre to be
+altogether ready at the time it was announced to open--but the place
+opened, just the same."
+
+"Is it really a new house, Handy?" inquired Smith, somewhat in doubt.
+
+"It will be when it is finished."
+
+"Have you seen the builder's designs? What kind of a place is it,
+anyhow?"
+
+"Designs be hanged! No. They build without plans in Gotown. The place is
+growing so almighty fast they have no time to waste preparing plans or
+designs. The builder thinks them out as he works along."
+
+"But there's a hall?" inquired Smith, doubtingly as before.
+
+"I told you," replied Handy, a little vexed, "it isn't there yet, but we
+will find it there when we arrive. Don't you want to risk it, Smith?"
+
+"Of course I want to go, but there are some who hesitate."
+
+"Who are they?"
+
+"I'd sooner you would find it out from themselves."
+
+"That's it, eh? Mutineers on board. Well, all I can say is they can fly
+the coop at once, and take the next train back." At this point a knock
+was heard at the door and three members of the company entered. "Ah,
+good-evening, gentlemen!" said Handy blandly. "Be seated."
+
+Then in his own peculiar manner he described his visit to Gotown, the
+kind of a place it was, and the prospects of the proposed venture. They
+listened attentively to his story. When he informed them that to the
+company was given the distinguished privilege of opening the new
+establishment, they signified their willingness to take chances. There
+was one, however, who showed the white feather. From his manner it was
+evident he was the one disturbing element in the otherwise harmonious
+organization. He exhibited his ill-concealed contempt of the scheme by
+smirks, smiles, and shrugs. He could hardly be considered an actor. His
+best attempts at acting were bad--at times they reached the limit. Off
+the stage he was a snob by affiliation and a gossiper by inclination. He
+drifted into the profession on the tide of his own vanity and continued
+in the lower ranks through the merit of his complete unfitness to
+advance a rung higher. There are many of his kind in every calling.
+
+"I wish to say one thing right here and now," said Handy, and with
+firmness. "I want no unwilling volunteers, and I am not offering
+bounties. This Gotown venture promises well. I told you what I could and
+would do if things panned out all right, and what I would do, anyhow, no
+matter how things went. I think from my standpoint the proposition is a
+fair one. You are the best judges from your point. Anyone who don't wish
+to go, needn't. That's all."
+
+"Well," replied Smith promptly and cheerfully, "I guess if you can stand
+it, we can; at least I speak for myself."
+
+Those present, except the individual indicated, coincided with Smith.
+
+"May I inquire," asked the member of the company indicated, "what manner
+of entertainment you propose to present at this a--a--Gotown place, Mr.
+Handy?"
+
+"Certainly you may," answered Handy calmly. "It will be one in which
+there is no part for you, sir."
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"Only this: Gotown or no Gotown, you are not in it. I have been studying
+your actions for some time. As an actor, we can dispense with your
+services. There is no position in this company for disturbers or
+gossipers."
+
+"I think this is the----"
+
+Handy continued, not paying the slightest attention to the speaker's
+interruption: "The next train leaves at 10:13 for the city--about an
+hour from now. Your ticket will be given you at the station, and you can
+leave here. You are no longer a member of this company."
+
+This episode, instead of weakening Handy in the estimation of his
+people, tended rather to strengthen him. It proved that he could wield
+power when he considered it necessary to do so. Notwithstanding that the
+departing one was unpopular with his associates, he had managed through
+insinuating manners and slippery speech to create petty dissensions.
+After he departed he was voted very much of a bore by those who
+remained. Handy, on the contrary, did not even once refer to the
+subject. The act he considered from a purely business standpoint. He had
+matters on hand of greater moment to engross his attention.
+
+All told, his company numbered seven acting members. He had no advance
+man or press agent. He did not need either. Weston he made business
+manager--he himself was director in general and actor in particular. So
+far everything was all right. What puzzled him most was the class of
+entertainment he had to supply. His company was not such as he
+considered an adaptable one; it was not such as he had when he made the
+descent on Newport. The dwarf was not there; neither was Nibsy--both
+valuable people from a strolling player's standpoint. It is true he had
+his loyal friend Smith, and Smith could be relied upon for any
+emergency. With the ability of the remaining members of his troupe he
+was comparatively unacquainted. In no way disheartened, he determined to
+do the best he could. A scene from one play and an act from another,
+with a liberal sprinkling of songs and dances and monologues sandwiched
+in between the so-called dramatic portions, he concluded, would be as
+good a bill of fare as he could supply. This, with the assistance of the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Orchestra, ought to in all reason satisfy
+Gotown and its audience.
+
+"We are not so all-fired badly fixed, after all, Smith, old boy," said
+Handy, in his customary optimistic manner, as they sat together
+reviewing the situation. "With seven people we can attempt almost any
+practical play. We played, you remember, 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' with that
+number. We also got away with 'Monte Cristo' with seven. Of course it
+wasn't as well done as James O'Neill does it, but that's another
+question. Let me see! How many did we have when we presented 'Around the
+World in Eighty Days'?"
+
+"Fourteen," quickly responded Smith, "but that included a grand ballet."
+
+"Ah, that's so! So it did," said Handy, "but we lost money on that
+venture. There's nothing in these big companies. Small, compact, but
+strong utility companies win every time. Charley Frohman will tell you
+the same thing."
+
+"Seven is none too many for our work, Handy."
+
+"No. It's about the proper figure. With judicious and intelligent
+doubling, a good manager might tackle almost anything. Say, Smith, did
+you ever have a shy at _Richmond_, in 'Richard III'?"
+
+"Well, I should smile," responded Smith, with a delighted expression on
+his face. "_Richmond!_ one of my best roles. Say! How is this," and
+immediately he struck a theatrical attitude and began: "Thus far into
+the bowels of the land have we marched on without impediment; Gloster,
+the----'"
+
+"Hold! Let up right where you are," interrupted Handy. "I know the rest.
+Say, Smith, my boy,"--and the manager looked earnestly at the would-be
+_Richmond_--"I am going to give you the opportunity of your life."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"We will present for the first time only the great fifth act of 'Richard
+III' out of compliment to the people of Gotown, and you will be the
+_Richmond_."
+
+"Oh, come off!" answered Smith. "Why, darn it, man! 'Richard' will be
+all Greek to them--the Gotown public don't know anything about
+Shakespeare. Maybe never heard tell of him."
+
+"But they will know all about him after we introduce him. But that has
+nothing to do with the case. Now let me enlighten you. I am afraid you
+don't catch on to the situation. I will explain: Don't you see
+_Richmond's_ first speech, 'Thus far into the bowels of the land,' is
+typical of the miner. He makes his living by driving into the bowels of
+the land, don't he?"
+
+"You bet he does, and good money, too," answered Smith enthusiastically.
+
+"Into the bowels of the land, or earth, as the case may be, have we
+marched on without impediment." Handy paused here for a moment to catch
+his wandering thoughts in order to explain his text. "You see, Smith,
+_Richmond_ marched on without impediment. So does the miner at first,
+when he has only to wrestle with the soil, sub-soil, and all that kind
+of thing. Then comes Gloster, the bloody and devouring boar, typified
+again by the hard and flinty rock the miner frequently encounters. For a
+time there's a fierce struggle between _Richard_, as represented by the
+rock, and _Richmond_, as personified by the miner. It's about an even
+bet as to who wins out. The play all over; don't you see? There's a
+purty lively scrimmage between the two. 'Tis nip and tuck for a time. At
+length _Richard_ caves in, and _Richmond_ wins out. So with the miner,
+the rock resists, then finally yields, and after that the milk and honey
+of enterprise in the shape of liquid oil flows forth. Am I clear or
+crude, dear boy?"
+
+"Both!" exclaimed Smith, holding up both hands. "Handy, why in the name
+of heaven were you not born rich instead of great?"
+
+"Smith," continued Handy, "you will be the miner, I the rock--_Richmond_
+and _Richard_."
+
+"Handy, you ought to print a diagram to explain the act. The audience
+may not be able to understand it if you don't."
+
+"Map of the seat of war, eh?"
+
+"Sure."
+
+"Smith, did you ever look over a war map in any of the newspapers that
+had special correspondents on the spot?"
+
+"Certainly I did."
+
+"And read his description of the scene of action?"
+
+"Yes, of course."
+
+"And scan the scare headlines, telegraphic accounts of the battle, split
+up and continued into different parts of the paper?"
+
+"Took in the whole shootin' match!"
+
+"And after reading all this fine descriptive work did you chance to cast
+your eagle eye over the editorial columns?"
+
+"Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. Generally I give the editorial
+comments a rest."
+
+"Now, then, let me ask you, after studying the war maps, and the
+diagrams, and the big heads, and telegraphic dispatches, and our own
+specials, etc., etc., and so forth, what conclusion did you come to on
+the subject?"
+
+"That there was a big battle fought somewhere in which there were many
+killed and wounded, perhaps."
+
+"Now in a few words you tell the whole story, and you tell it well and
+without illustrations or diagrams, and without any unnecessary frills by
+the way of editorials. So will we give the fight to a finish on Bosworth
+Field without any pictorial work. We'll just give it."
+
+"'Tis your idea, then, to give the act simply with the combat without
+explanation?"
+
+"Not exactly in the way you put it."
+
+"Say, Handy, an idea strikes me. What do you say to the suggestion of
+doing the combat scene with two-ounce gloves. A great scheme, eh? Don't
+you think so? 'Twould be modernizing the piece and bring it down to
+date."
+
+"Shades of Shakespeare, angels and ministers of graces defend us! Smith,
+Smith, my boy, don't talk tommy-rot! Gloves instead of swords! Go to.
+Don't you know, my friend, that a glove fight might leave _Richmond_
+open to a challenge from some ambitious and undeveloped Gotown pugilist,
+and then where would we be--I mean you? Oh, no! But I tell you what
+wouldn't be altogether out of place."
+
+"Well, let us hear it."
+
+"We might be able to impress some young limb of the law, in the shape of
+a lawyer, into the service, who no doubt might, after a brief study of
+Professor John Phinn's vocabulary of Shakespeare, be willing to go on
+and tell who _Richard_ and _Richmond_ were in their day, and how
+_Richard_ got the stuffin' knocked out of him because he was crooked and
+a tyrant and a monopolist. And, moreover, as all lawyers like to show
+off in the spouting line, when they get the chance, he might say a good
+word or two for the immortal Bard of Avon. Not that Shakespeare wants
+it, but merely as an evidence of good faith."
+
+"Bully! The more I see of you, Handy, the more convinced I am of your
+remarkable genius."
+
+"Oh, that's all right, Smith. Now, then, let me ask you. Can Daisey De
+Vere"--the only woman remaining of the company--"sing and dance?"
+
+"She has ability and she is willing to stand by us."
+
+"Has she the experience?"
+
+"Plenty of it, such as it is. And she's anxious for more if she gets the
+show. Besides, Daisey is a good, straight girl, and these are the kind,
+I am sorry to say, that have the toughest time in getting ahead, but
+when one of them gets there it's all smooth sailing afterwards. Yes,
+Daisey can do anything and everything a decent girl can try to do. You
+can't faize her. You may put her down for anything to help out. She's
+been there before."
+
+"What kind of a voice has she--a singing voice, I mean?"
+
+"That depends."
+
+"Depends on what?"
+
+"Well, you see, if she is going to sing in girls' duds, she's a
+contralto; but then, if she has to do her stunt in boys' clothes, she is
+a female barytone."
+
+"Oh, she knows a trick or two," said Handy, smiling. "She must have
+traveled some."
+
+"You bet. She's a traveler for fair. She will go anywhere, and she's at
+home wherever she lands. She has one trunk in Chicago, another in
+Cincinnati, a valise in Buffalo, a grip in St. Louis, and other ventures
+she has in safe-keeping for her elsewhere. Her parents live in
+Chillicothe. She has a brother in Frisco, an aunt in New Orleans, an
+Uncle in Boston, an----"
+
+"Hold, for pity sake!" interrupted Handy. "Let up! I don't want to have
+a geographical inventory of the girl's parents, relatives, and personal
+effects to ascertain what she can do histrionically."
+
+"Well," replied Smith, somewhat nettled, "you can make up your mind she
+has wide experience."
+
+"I should say so. With trunks and relatives waiting for her like open
+dates all over the country in most of the big cities, I guess Gotown
+won't scare her. There is one point, however, I can put you wise on--she
+will leave no trunk behind her in Gotown."
+
+"You never can tell in advance, Handy; you were always optimistic. Why
+can't she, if she has a fad in that direction?"
+
+"Simply, my friend, because there ain't a hotel in the place, that's
+why."
+
+"What!" cried Smith, in amazement, "no liquor stores in Gotown?"
+
+"I didn't say that. I said there were no hotels."
+
+"What's the difference? Don't you know there are no saloons in New York
+now? They are all hotels. The law is strict on that score, and if Gotown
+is regulated on the same plan and there are no hotels, I'm beginning to
+have my doubts. Say, old man, this is no prohibition colony you're
+steering us up against, eh?"
+
+Handy looked at Smith in mild surprise and without moving a muscle of
+his face; but there was a quiet meaning in his eye that spoke more
+forcibly than mere words. At length he broke the silence.
+
+"Smith, I'm afraid you are not well. Get thee to bed. Rest your
+altogether too active brain. The Pennsylvania air is a little too much
+for you. I can get along without further assistance. Good-night! See me
+in the morning."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+     "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."
+     --AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+
+Handy and Smith parted for the night, and then the veteran set to work
+to concoct one of these very remarkable programmes for which his name
+had become more or less famous in different parts of the country. It is
+true he was considerably perplexed over the difficulties that confronted
+him. Perplexities, difficulties, and Handy were old acquaintances,
+however. They had met many a time and oft in the past, and he had
+weathered the storm and as a rule came out a winner. It was hardly
+possible that his customary good fortune would desert him on this trying
+occasion. With the sole exception of Smith, he was absolutely
+unacquainted with the theatric abilities of his company or how far he
+could rely on them to carry into effect his stage directions. Daisey de
+Vere, judging from the elaborate characteristic account Smith had given
+of her, rather appealed to him. He felt satisfied she would fill her
+place in the bill of the play, come what might. She had to. From the
+diagnosis furnished by his lieutenant he thought she would pan out all
+right. He knew he wasn't going to offer an entertainment to a houseful
+of metropolitan first-nighters, with attendant critics from the
+newspapers to display their erudition next morning in cold type and hot
+words. He already considered Daisey as a chip of the old block.
+
+It was well into the night when the indefatigable manager got through
+with his pen, which at best was a work of labor to him--and hard labor
+at that. It is only fair to admit that he had meager theatric resources
+to draw upon and be able in any way to whip it into shape to fit the
+exigencies of the approaching occasion. He derived considerable
+comforting consolation from the reflection that Gotown was virgin soil
+upon which he was called upon to operate theatrically. As the result of
+pondering with his brain and manipulating with his pen, he succeeded in
+evolving a draft of a programme as mixed and varied as might be expected
+from the all-star company gathered together at short notice for a
+benefit or testimonial for some popular unfortunate player--with several
+loopholes for such changes, alterations, additions, subtractions,
+multiplications, and divisions as might suggest themselves or be forced
+upon him later on. From the coinage of his active brain he succeeded in
+bringing forth and committing to paper something like the following as
+his programme for the inauguration and opening night of the Gotown
+Metropolitan Academy of Music:
+
+IMPORTANT NOTICE
+
+Come One--Come All--Be On Hand
+
+GOTOWN METROPOLITAN ACADEMY OF MUSIC
+
+Proprietor and Owner............ Mr. Ed. McGowan
+
+Mr. McGowan takes pleasure in announcing that he has engaged
+the celebrated Actor-Manager, Mr. Sellers Micawber Handy, and his
+talented company of performers to appear
+
+Next Saturday Evening
+
+To celebrate the anniversary of the founding of
+
+GOTOWN
+
+By the official inauguration of the
+METROPOLITAN ACADEMY OF MUSIC
+
+To make the event worthy of this occasion
+this highly talented and distinguished bunch
+will be presented under the direction of Mr. Handy
+
+In a Variegated Program
+
+Made up of selections from undeniably good sources, ancient
+and modern. In consequence of the length and richness
+of the Bill, details will not be given out until the night
+of the Show. It may be mentioned, however, that
+
+_Singing and Dancing_
+
+as well as Acting in all the various departments of Tragedy,
+Comedy, Burlesque, Grand Opera, etc., etc., will be
+introduced in the most approved and up-to-date
+style that circumstances will permit
+
+Local Celebrities
+
+Have generously volunteered their valuable services to lend
+a hand and do something
+
+    List of Prices
+    First half of the house, with seats................... $1.00
+    Second half, back to the wall.........................   .50
+    Seats in the windows, with steps to get at them.......   .50
+    Seats in the balcony, first two rows..................   .75
+    General admission, with a chance for a seat...........   .25
+    Tickets in advance may be purchased beforehand at
+
+Ed. McGowan's Spiritual Emporium
+
+    Tickets bought of speculators on the outside will be refused
+    at the door
+
+    The entertainment will start at 8 o'clock and wind up when
+    the audience have all they want
+
+    P. S.--Don't miss this chance, for it will be the only anniversary
+    of its kind with which Gotown will be honored in a long time to come.
+
+    _The Weston Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society will handle the
+    Music_
+
+After Handy had finished his herculean labor in concocting this
+extraordinary playbill, he leaned back in his chair and read and reread
+it over and over again, to assure himself it was all right. Then with
+the consciousness that he had done his duty, he lay down to rest for a
+few hours to recuperate before he again took up the thread of that busy
+life which, though at times it brought him sore trials and tribulations,
+never appeared to have robbed him of that measure of contentment and
+cheerfulness with his lot which was his chief characteristic in
+sustaining him through the temporary storms of adversity which he
+encountered.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+     "There's nothing to be got nowadays unless thou can'st fish for it."
+     --PERICLES PRINCE OF TYRE.
+
+
+The following day was a busy one in thought and action. Notwithstanding
+the disposition and energy of the Gotown proprietor in getting the
+Academy of Music ready, there were many things to be considered apart
+from the mere putting up of the structure itself. And these were as
+necessary as the house proper. In the first place, there was not a
+stitch of canvas prepared for the scenery; the lighting of the house had
+to be considered, and the arrangements for the seating had not been
+mentioned. These were some of the perplexities that confronted Handy.
+
+The first thing he did to prepare himself for the work before him was to
+take a bath. He was a great believer in hygiene, and cold water for
+bathing purposes he considered the best of medicines. The bath taken, he
+sat down to a good plain and substantial meal, with an appetite to enjoy
+it. Then, after carefully loading his briarwood, he summoned his man
+Friday for consultation.
+
+"Now, then, Smith, we have some work ahead this trip, I can tell you,
+and no mistake; and I hardly know where to begin. Anyhow, call a
+rehearsal for one o'clock."
+
+"A what! A rehearsal?" replied Smith, amazed. "A rehearsal--rehearsal of
+what, and may I inquire where?"
+
+"That's so," said Handy thoughtfully. "That's so. Never mind putting up
+the call, or better still, go and see the members of the company and
+tell them to be ready for the call. I'll decide later what I want them
+to do."
+
+The next move of the veteran was to call on the manager of the Weston
+Theatre to see if he could have the use of the stage for the afternoon.
+He found he could not, as the company then playing there wanted it for
+the rehearsal of a new play they had in rehearsal. If the next day would
+suit, the stage was at his disposal. This was an agreeable surprise to
+Handy. It suited him much better, as it gave him a little more time to
+think over the bill he should present at Gotown. He hastened to the
+hotel and instructed Smith to call the people for rehearsal at the
+Weston Theatre at eleven o'clock next forenoon.
+
+This piece of business off his mind, he sought his partner in the Gotown
+venture, to ascertain about the Handel and Hayden Philharmonic. Weston
+had just returned from a visit to Herr Anton Wagner, the leader and
+president of the society.
+
+"I have just parted with the boss of the spielers," said Weston, "and I
+am a bit disappointed. I don't think we can get them to do the street
+parade stunt, but for the night job they will be all O. K."
+
+"What do you mean by the street parade stunt?" inquired Handy, in some
+surprise. "That's a new one on me."
+
+"Well, I thought it would be a great scheme if we could get the Phillies
+to get out their wind instruments and play a few tunes through the main
+street from the station up to the new Academy the afternoon of the show.
+You know I have a couple of dozen army overcoats in the storeroom. The
+spielers could wear them. Then when they got to the Academy they could
+shed their street armor, hide their wind instruments, and start in on
+the string instruments in their glad rags."
+
+Handy smiled, and asked: "How did you succeed?"
+
+"Couldn't work the street racket."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because the men had to work at their regular jobs. Wagner is a
+shoemaker. He works the trombone in the streets and the bull fiddle
+under cover. The man that works the cornet in the outside operates the
+fiddle on the inside, and he's a dandy at it. He's a tailor, and a good
+one. He made the coat that's on my back; the man that----"
+
+"Hold on. That's enough!" broke in Handy. "I'm just as well pleased you
+didn't get them to do that street stunt. But you are sure there will be
+no disappointment for the night's performance?"
+
+"Sure. They are all anxious to go. But Herr Wagner wants his name to be
+mentioned on the bills as leader and president of the Handel and Hayden
+Philharmonic Society."
+
+"All right. He will have a line on the bills."
+
+"He gave me a pointer, too, and asked me to speak to you about it."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"The man that works the fiddle,--Wagner calls him his first violin,--is
+an Irishman. His name is Nick Cullen in the shop, but when he tackles
+the fiddle in public he is known as Signor Nicola Collenso. If you give
+him a place on the programme you can put him down for a violin solo on
+the stage."
+
+"Tell him to meet me to-morrow on the stage of the theatre at twelve."
+
+"Good! Nick will be tickled to death."
+
+"Now, then, old man, we're all right so far as the entertainment is
+concerned. That don't bother me a little bit. But the Gotown Academy
+sits heavily on my mind, and all on account of minor considerations and
+the shortness of time in the way of lighting, tickets, seats for the
+audience and scenery. We can't act in the dark, the people who pay for
+reserved seats won't care for standing two or three hours, no matter how
+good our bill of fare is, and there ought to be something in the way of
+scenery, else those who pay their good coin may kick. Do I make myself
+quite plain?"
+
+"Very. And have we to supply all these?"
+
+"You bet! Who else is going to do it? This Gotown proposition was yours.
+I am willing to do all I can. This is Wednesday. There's no time to
+waste."
+
+"So am I willing. But you are bossing the job. Tell me what you want me
+to do and I'll do it."
+
+"Then take the next train for Gotown; see McGowan, go with him to the
+printers at once and get out the tickets, so many at one dollar, so many
+at seventy-five cents, the rest at fifty and on all of these have
+reserved seats in big type. You can then have as many as you think we
+need for general admission. Have no reserved seats printed on them. I
+will give you the copy for the printer before you go. When does the
+train start?"
+
+"About half hour from now."
+
+"Find out from McGowan all about the lighting of the place, and what
+arrangements he has made about seating the crowd; and be sure you
+ascertain if there is any danger of the house not being ready for us.
+You know we have no written or regular contract, as all well regulated
+companies like ours should have. If any other little thing occurs to me
+I'll wire you, and if anything really important takes place up there
+that won't hold over until you get back, wire me. Here's the copy for
+the tickets. Have them printed at once. Get the different priced tickets
+on different colored cards. Red, white, and blue--and green. Now, then,
+go, and good speed and good luck."
+
+On the second visit to the theatre Handy was pleased to notice that
+everything was arranged for him to have the use of the stage next day.
+Though the manager was perfectly agreeable about it, he was noticeably
+worried about something, and Handy recognized it at once. Like Gilbert's
+policeman, the manager's life at times is not a happy one.
+
+"You seem to be put out about something, Governor?" All managers of
+theatres as a rule are governors, through courtesy, and they like to be
+so addressed.
+
+"I am. Say, let me ask you a question. Did you ever have a date broken
+on you at short notice?"
+
+"Did I?" exclaimed Handy, with a smile. "Disappointments and I are old
+acquaintances."
+
+"You can then realize my feelings. The last three days of next week in
+the theatre are open, and this is the second troupe that broke with me,
+and next Thursday is a holiday. Like a fool, I made no effort to fill
+the first part of the week, relying on the holiday night, Friday and
+Saturday's two performances to make up the difference. Isn't that
+tough?"
+
+"That is tough," answered Handy sympathetically. "That is pretty hard.
+Why don't you wire----"
+
+"Oh, don't talk to me about wiring or telegraphing or mailing. I have
+been doing that for nearly a week, until I am nearly gone daft. Of
+course I could get the regular fake, or barn-stormers or turkey
+companies--you know 'em--but none of 'em for me. I want companies I know
+something about."
+
+"Quite right. People you can rely on," continued Handy. "You are in a
+pretty bad fix, and if I can help you out in any way I'll be only too
+happy to do so. To be frank with you, this Gotown venture has been
+worrying me more than I care to admit. You know we open the new Academy
+of Music there Saturday night, and the reason the proprietor is in such
+haste to do so on that date is because Saturday is the anniversary of
+the founding of the town."
+
+"I don't see there's anything in that to worry you. You're dead sure to
+get the crowd."
+
+"Oh, that's all right! But then I am awfully afraid the scenery won't be
+ready. It was ordered only a short time ago. The owner of the theatre
+knows nothing about our business and left it until, I am afraid, it's
+too late. So now you can see the fix I am in."
+
+"That's too bad, too bad! Where do you play after leaving Gotown?"
+
+"Oh, after Gotown, eh?" and Handy became thoughtful and silent for a
+moment, and then slowly and deliberately explained: "Oh, after Gotown we
+are going to lay off for a week and add three or four new members to our
+company. They are not exactly new, for they were with us before, and are
+all good, reliable people and are up in the stage business of 'Down on
+the Old Farm,' a rattling good piece."
+
+It might as well be explained now, as later, that up to the time that
+the Weston manager made known his troubles and his open dates Handy had
+not the slightest thought of "Down on the Old Farm," and did not have a
+date after Gotown.
+
+"Say, Mr. Handy, how large is the stage of the new Gotown house?"
+
+"Well," said Handy, after casting his eyes meaningly around the stage,
+"I should say that it is about the size of this one. Perhaps a little
+deeper." He had, of course, never been inside of the Gotown
+establishment--it being yet unbuilt.
+
+"Now, then, I tell you what I'll do. I can help you and you in turn can
+assist me. I have no attraction here for Saturday night. You can
+therefore make use of what scenery you require, under the circumstances,
+without the drop curtain; but I have a first-rate green baize in the
+storeroom and I will loan all of it to you. My property room is well
+stocked, and you can have the use of the props. Moreover, I'll send my
+stage manager up to Gotown to help you--on one condition."
+
+"Name it, Governor."
+
+"That you will fill my dates of three nights of next week with 'Down on
+the Old Farm' in this theatre."
+
+Handy was dumbfounded at the proposition. It seemed almost like a
+glimpse of heaven. He was almost overpowered, and in a somewhat
+hesitating manner replied: "It is very kind of you, Governor, but I
+cannot give you an entirely decisive answer just now; but this, I assure
+you, you may make your mind easy. I must, if only for courtesy sake,
+consult my partner, who is now in Gotown. Besides, I must see the Gotown
+manager. I may be magnifying the disappointment about the scenery. The
+kindness of your offer and your generosity in putting your scenery at my
+disposal appeals to my heart. I think I can give you an assurance that
+your date will be filled for the last three nights of next week with
+'Down on the Old Farm.'"
+
+"I can rely on your word?"
+
+"Here's my hand. The usual terms, I suppose?"
+
+"I'll go ten per cent better."
+
+"Get out your printing at once for 'The Old Farm,' and make all
+necessary arrangements. I'll be off to Gotown at once. I'll run down and
+send my man up to get the scenery ready for Gotown to-morrow afternoon."
+
+Handy made hasty steps down to the hotel, consulted with Smith, and
+instructed him to go up to the theatre and take a look over the scenery
+and props.
+
+"Our end of the work here is all right, Smith, my boy, but I am a bit
+nervous about the Gotown lay-out. Not that I doubt Mr. McGowan's
+intentions, but I am afraid he has bitten off more than he can chew.
+However, there's no need in bidding the devil good-morrow till you're up
+foreninst him, is there?" Then slapping Smith heartily on the back he
+cried: "And we are all right for next week, too. We play the old
+stand-by 'Down on the Old Farm' at the Weston the last three nights.
+Come down with me to the station and I'll tell you more. I am off for
+Gotown. Will see you to-night, if I can; but if not, I will be with you
+the first thing in the morning. There's no time to lose."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+     "Joy danced with Mirth, a gay, fantastic Crowd."
+     --COLLINS.
+
+
+It was a surprise when Handy's cheerful face was seen on the threshold
+of McGowan's emporium.
+
+"Well, I'm blest! Look here, Wes, see who's here! In the name of
+fortune, what wind blew you in?"
+
+"Oh!" replied Handy, in his usual good-humored way, "I was growin' lazy
+workin' so hard, and ran up to see how the Academy is growing."
+
+"Fine as silk. We are putting in overtime on it to-night in the way of
+gasfitting. You know, Handy," said McGowan, confidentially, "these
+gasfitters, like plumbers, are curious critters and need watching, and
+I'm going to have them work night and day until they get through. I
+wouldn't, between ourselves, have this anniversary celebration fall
+through for any amount of money, but----"
+
+"Ah! I was expecting that."
+
+"That but?"
+
+"But we haven't a stitch of scenery for the darn stage. That's what's
+worrying me, and I can't see me way to mend it."
+
+The veteran smiled, and then calmly asked, "Is that all that perplexes
+you?"
+
+"And isn't that enough?" exclaimed his friend.
+
+"Well, under ordinary circumstances," replied the veteran, "it would be
+more than enough; but let me relieve your anxieties. All the necessary
+scenery, properties, including a green baize curtain, latest style, will
+reach Gotown Friday night on special car."
+
+Weston opened his eyes and mouth in wonder and exclaimed "What!"
+
+McGowan, on the contrary, became serious and asked, "Handy, say, are you
+kiddin' us?"
+
+"I am telling you the truth."
+
+Then he explained to McGowan how, through the kindness and patriotism of
+the manager of the Weston Theatre, he was able to do the trick.
+
+McGowan looked at Handy a moment, then caught him in an embrace and let
+a yell out of him that could be heard a half mile distant.
+
+"Patsy!" he yelled out, "get a move on you. Call in Hans to help you,
+and I'll take a hand in myself. Handy, you're a bird! All present step
+up to the bar and drink the health, prosperity, and good luck of Mr.
+Handy and his friend, the manager of the Weston Theatre. This is on the
+house."
+
+As soon as things quieted down and Handy had a chance to have a chat
+with his partner, Weston, he learned that the show promised great
+results financially.
+
+Now that the scenery problem was solved, everybody seemed happy. Big Ed
+was the happiest of the lot. He shook hands with everyone who came in as
+the night grew older, and his description of the special car, and the
+green baize curtain, just like any first-class theatre in New York,
+Boston or Philadelphia, was glowing and picturesque. He was determined
+to show the people of Gotown and the remainder of the county that Gotown
+was in it with both feet, and when she started out to do things that she
+could do it and make no mistake about it.
+
+Handy and Weston took the late train and reached Weston shortly after
+midnight, and retired for a good night's rest.
+
+Next morning as Handy and his host sat together at breakfast, he
+explained the arrangement he had entered into with the regular Weston
+impresario. "The deal wasn't quite closed. I wanted, as I told him, to
+consult you, my partner in the Gotown proposition. I wished to give you
+a chance to go snacks with me in this new venture, if agreeable, on
+condition that you be as light as possible on the company for board and
+lodging while they are not working."
+
+Both of them then set out for the theatre, where they found Smith and
+the company. Smith was in consultation with the stage manager of the
+house. Between them they had already selected three drop scenes--a
+parlor, a drawing-room, and a landscape or wood, two pairs of wings, two
+fly borders, and a pair of tormentors, the green baize curtain, and the
+stage carpet.
+
+"Say, Wes, how does this strike you?" asked Handy, in a stage whisper.
+
+"Great! but how did you do it?" he replied, in a manner bordering on
+amazement.
+
+"Hush! You never can find out how to get out of a hole until you first
+get into one."
+
+"Big Ed McGowan will be the most surprised man in Pennsylvania when he
+sees all this landed at the doors of the Academy."
+
+"Oh, Mr. Smith! have you had a talk with the people, and how do they
+stand?"
+
+"Prepared for anything, and are eager for the fray," answered Smith, in
+a breezy off-hand manner.
+
+"Good! Now then sit down at the prompt table there and make notes,"
+directed Handy, "of our lay-out. We open with a grand overture by the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society; and as a matter of course, on
+account of their patriotic kindness in volunteering for the celebration
+of the anniversary of the foundation of Gotown, they will have an encore
+and will then play a medley of national American airs, 'Yankee Doodle,'
+'Hail, Columbia,' 'Patrick's Day,' 'The Watch on the Rhine,' 'The Star
+Spangled Banner,' and 'Dixie.' Then the curtain will go up on 'Box and
+Cox.' You'll play _Box_, Diggins will do _Cox_, and Cromwell will play
+_Mrs. Bouncer_."
+
+"Hold on, sir," said Smith. "Cromwell can't do _Mrs. Bouncer_--he has a
+moustache, you know."
+
+Handy smiled. "Let him shave it off. Don't you remember that in Augustin
+Daly's theatre, in the very heyday of its glory, Mr. Daly would not
+allow any actor to wear hair on his face? Cromwell is too good an actor
+to hesitate to make so slight a sacrifice in the interest of art. Tell
+him I said so, Smith."
+
+Smith smiled, and in a stage whisper said: "He heard all you said. Yes,
+Mr. Cromwell will shave."
+
+"Then will follow Miss De Vere in one of her coon songs, after the style
+of Fay Templeton, May Irwin or----What's that, boy?" addressing a lad
+who approached the prompt table.
+
+"There's a man back at the stage door, sir," replied the boy, "with a
+fiddle case under his arm, who says you have a date with him."
+
+"Oh, yes! That's all right, my boy. Where is he?" and Handy walked back
+with the boy. "Is this Signor Collenso, about whom I have heard so many
+pleasant things?"
+
+"Say, Mr. Handy, me name is plain Bill Cullen for every-day work, but
+for professional purposes in the music line I discovered that it pays to
+put on a bit of style, and that's how I came to ring in the Collenso."
+
+"Quite right, my dear fellow! All artists of more or less great ability,
+especially in the musical line, make such alterations. For instance,
+Lizzie Norton is twisted into Mme. Nordica; Pat Foley changed into
+Signor Foli; and when Ellen Mitchell became great, she dropped the old
+name and Italianized it into Melba. Oh, that's all right."
+
+"Yes, sir; I know all that, and there are others. But when you and I are
+talking, let us give the Italian cognomen a rest. Now, what do you want
+me to do?"
+
+"What can you do?"
+
+"Oh, something of everything--classic and otherwise."
+
+"What can you do in the classics, for example?"
+
+"Selections from Mendelssohn, Paganini, Schumann, Rubinstein----"
+
+"Say, my friend," asked Handy, in some surprise, "do you play such
+music?"
+
+"Oh, yes, whenever I get a chance in public; but when alone they are my
+favorites. But, then, for encores I give them 'Killarney,' 'Molly Bawn,'
+'The Swanee River,' 'Mr. Dooley,' 'Harrigan'--anything that's popular
+and what they call up to date."
+
+"All right, Cullen. I'm busy just now. Will you call around to the hotel
+to-night and we'll have a chat, and fix things up?"
+
+"Sure. I'll be on hand. About eight o'clock."
+
+Handy then returned to the prompt table.
+
+"Where were we, Smith? Oh, yes! I remember; we were giving Miss De Vere
+a dance. Well, after Daisey's dance will come Señor Collenso's violin
+solo, selection from Paganini. Then will follow the talented young
+Gotown lawyer in a dissertation on Shakespeare, and also inform them
+about the mill between _Richard_ and _Richmond_. Smith, have you all
+that down?"
+
+"Every word of it."
+
+"And then will come the fight between Richard and _Richmond_ with
+broadswords, in which you will have the opportunity of your life. The
+curtain will drop here, and then there will follow the intermission."
+
+"Are you going to have much of an intermission?" inquired Smith.
+
+"Oh, ten or fifteen minutes or so. You know we must give Big Ed, the
+proprietor of the emporium, as well as of the Academy, a chance to do a
+little bit of business. Besides, it's awfully dry work listening to good
+music, fine songs, and strong acting without something to help you to
+thoroughly enjoy them."
+
+"That's true. That's a great first part, Mr. Handy. Music, song, vocal
+and instrumental; dance, oratory, and tragedy. Great, great!"
+
+"Miss De Vere will start in after the intermission with that beautiful
+and thrilling song, 'Down in a Coal Mine.' Some member of the company,
+whoever knows it, can recite 'Shamus O'Brien,' or some other equally
+popular recitation."
+
+"These two numbers will be sure to catch 'em," remarked Smith, with a
+broad grin of appreciation.
+
+"Then will follow a dance, 'The Fox Hunter's Jig,' by Mr. Myles O'Hara,
+a prominent citizen of Gotown, who has in the most generous and
+patriotic manner volunteered to add to the festivities for this
+occasion. It will be his first appearance on the stage. The music for
+this event will be supplied by the celebrated Irish piper, Mr. Dinny
+Dempsey, who will also be seen on the stage in native Irish costume and
+full regalia. Then, Smith, you can trot out one of your well-known comic
+monologues that you are so famous in. After that we'll wind up with 'The
+Strollers' Medley,' in which all the company will take part, and Daisey
+De Vere can do a favorite stunt of dancing now and then to fill up the
+gap. Now, then, go to work. Get the people busy and have them in good
+working order. Call a full dress rehearsal at one o'clock on the stage
+at the Gotown Academy of Music, so that we'll all know what we've got to
+do at night. I think that's all just now."
+
+There wasn't an idle hour for the remainder of the day and the greater
+part of the next by the company, under Smith's guidance, preparing for
+the anniversary event in Gotown. There were rehearsals, and rehearsals,
+and more rehearsals.
+
+Friday evening, between eight and nine o'clock, Handy, his partner, and
+the stage manager of the Weston Theatre, arrived in Gotown with the
+borrowed scenery and props. Ed McGowan and assistants were at the
+station with three wagons to convey the stage accoutrements to the newly
+built temple of Thespis that was to open its doors to the public the
+following night. It was an all night job of preparation, but there were
+many and willing hands to do what they were bid, under the direction of
+Handy and his pro tem stage manager.
+
+A student of the drama, had he been present, might have been carried
+back in thought a century or over, when many of the great players of
+days that are no more had to go through somewhat similar experiences.
+The Booths, the Cookes, the Keans, the Kembles, the Forrests, the
+Jeffersons, the Wallacks, and other great actors whose names are written
+on the imperishable tablets of fame have traveled over just such roads.
+Smith and the company, after a good night's rest and a hearty breakfast,
+reached Gotown early in the forenoon.
+
+At fifteen minutes past seven o'clock the doors of the Metropolitan
+Academy of Music were thrown open, and at eight o'clock there was not an
+unoccupied space in the house. The Handel and Hayden Philharmonic
+musicians took their places in front of the stage and began the
+overture. It consisted of a medley of familiar airs. The audience was so
+well pleased with what they heard that the musicians had to let them
+have it again. Then the curtain went up and "Box and Cox," a rather
+original version of the old farce, opened the show. It created some
+laughter, but the people came there to be pleased, and they were. "Old
+Black Joe" was sung, with an invisible chorus, and brought down the
+house. Daisey De Vere's coon song, with original business and grotesque
+imitations, made another big hit. Signor Collenso's classic--and it was
+well rendered--was tamely received, but when he treated his auditors to
+"Molly Bawn" and the "Boys of Kilkenny" they went into ecstasies. This
+was followed by the appearance of the rising young lawyer, who paid a
+glowing tribute to Shakespeare, and then introduced _King Richard_ and
+_Richmond_ to fight it out to a finish on Bosworth field for England,
+home, and booty. It was certainly a most elaborately grotesque combat.
+The people in front liked it apparently, and goaded on the combatants to
+redoubled efforts, and when the tyrant king was knocked out three cheers
+and a tiger were given with a vengeance, and the curtain fell on the
+first part amid uproarious applause.
+
+There was intermission of fifteen minutes. On the reappearance of Daisey
+De Vere, when the curtain went up, she was accorded a greeting that
+showed she had won her way to the hearts of her audience. With her
+interpretation of the onetime popular song, "Down in a Coal Mine," she
+completely captured those present with her vocalization. She had to
+repeat the ballad that good old Tony Pastor made popular in days of
+yore, when she had warmed up to her work, her "I'll tell you what I'll
+do. If you'll all join me in the chorus, I'll give you two verses when I
+get my second wind," set them all laughing, and clinched the hold she
+had already secured. The recitation of "Shamus O'Brien" seemed tame by
+comparison. But when Myles O'Hara gave them a vigorous and athletic
+exhibition of the "Fox Hunter's Jig," as Myles' father danced it in the
+Green Isle long before the O'Haras ever dreamt of emigrating to the land
+of the West, the applause was once more renewed. Dinny Dempsey supplied
+the music on the Irish pipes, which was in itself a novelty so appealing
+that he had to repeat, and Myles to dance, until both were fairly used
+up. It was eleven o'clock and after when Handy and his company started
+in for the wind-up, with their familiar old stand-by, "The Strollers'
+Medley." What it was all about no one present could tell. Only there was
+plenty of fun and merriment in it. There was a song, and a chorus now
+and then, a bit of a dance occasionally, and Daisey De Vere did a few
+grotesque steps and Handy entertained them with a comic speech. All were
+in the best of humor and heartily enjoyed what they saw and heard. Joy
+danced with fun, and the crowd was indeed a merry, happy, and fantastic
+gathering.
+
+Before the curtain fell Big Ed McGowan came on the stage. His appearance
+was the signal for a great outburst of cheers. When something like quiet
+was restored, he thanked the audience, on behalf of the company for
+their splendid manifestation of appreciation and grand attendance at the
+great entertainment. He then invited all hands present to join and sing
+"Should auld acquaintance be forgot?" It is needless to add that it was
+sung with a vigor, strength, and heartiness which still remains a
+cheerful memory in Gotown.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+    "Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime
+    Bid me 'Good morning.'"
+
+    --BARBAULD.
+
+
+In a small back room in McGowan's hospitable hostelry Handy, Weston,
+McGowan himself, the members of the company, and a few others were
+gathered for a little bite and a sup before the players returned to
+Weston. It was a convivial party--not noisy nor boisterous. Just
+cheerful, good-natured crowd. All were happy over the night's fun. They
+showed it in their smiling faces and laughing eyes. Strange as it may
+appear, the most thoughtful appearing one in the assemblage was the
+veteran himself. McGowan noticed his demeanor more quickly than any of
+the others, and by the way of cheering or bracing him up he rose from
+his chair and proposed for a standing toast the health, wealth and
+prosperity of their friend who afforded them the enjoyment they had that
+night,--"Our friend, Handy! May he live long and prosper."
+
+It was given with a hearty response. A speech was then called, when Handy
+with much reluctance rose and said:
+
+"Friends--I take the liberty of calling you friends after the generous
+treatment you have given me and my poor humble little company
+to-night--we are only a troupe of strolling players trying to do the best
+we can to please you, to make you cheerful, to banish dull care from your
+minds in your leisure hours, and make you laugh with happy hearts. No one
+was ever hurt or harmed by an honest laugh. No time was ever wasted that
+brought with it, through the agency of song, music and acting, brighter
+thoughts and happier feelings. And, after all, that seems to me to be the
+mission of the players. I am no speech-maker, my friends, I am speaking
+to you as the words come from my heart, and my heart is full and happy
+to-night. All the world, we are told, is a stage, a place where everyone
+must play his part. And how true are those words both men and women know.
+I feel as if I had played many and many parts. I have had my ups and
+downs; my joys and sorrows, and sometimes I have supped bitter in sorrow.
+But no matter, I presume we all have the same story to tell. I am not
+going to bother you with a recital of any of them. Let them pass, just as
+the summer storm passes away when the sun peeps out from behind the
+clouds and lights up everything with its radiance and makes us all
+cheerful, contented and happy. Ah, boys! I have been many years on the
+road, traveling over this broad land of ours. Aye! a poor player. I have
+grown old in the line of making laughter for others and lending a hand to
+bring merriment to my aid. The frost of years is beginning to lay its
+mark already on my once fiery locks, and the time is drawing near when I
+will have to make my final exit and quit work; and when a man stops
+working nature is finished with him, and when nature is through with him
+it is pretty near time to go. Well, so be it. In years long gone by I
+came across a little poem which I carried about with me months and
+months, in the war campaign of the sixties, for, friends, I served my
+time as a drummer boy with the old Army of the Potomac. Well, this is a
+little gem, at least, I thought it so then. I think it so now. It was
+written by a woman. It is said it was the last she ever wrote. I read it
+and read it until I committed it to memory. 'Tis short, very short. If
+you wish to hear it, I'll recite it for you now. Yes?
+
+    "Life! we've been long together
+    Through pleasant and through cloudy weather;
+    'Tis hard to part, when friends are dear,
+    Perhaps 'twill cost a sigh, a tear.
+
+    "Then steal away--give little warning,
+    Choose thine own time,
+    Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime
+    Bid me--'Good morning.'"
+
+
+END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Pirate of Parts
+
+Author: Richard Neville
+
+Release Date: September 14, 2008 [EBook #26612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PIRATE OF PARTS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Mary Meehan, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced
+from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1><i>A Pirate of Parts</i></h1>
+
+<h2><i>By RICHARD NEVILLE</i></h2>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h4>NEW YORK<br />
+<span class="smcap">The Neale Publishing Company</span><br />
+1913</h4>
+
+
+<h4><i>All rights reserved</i></h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><i>"One man in his time plays many parts."</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10">&mdash;<span class="smcap">Shakespeare</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/front.png"><img src="images/front.png" alt=""/></a>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i18"><i>"All the worlds' a stage</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><i>And all the men and women merely players"</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3>To my sister, Mrs. Mary Hughes, who for years has been associated with
+several of the most notable presentations on the American stage and with
+many of the most prominent and talented of American players, both male
+and female.</h3>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h2>"BILL OF THE PLAY"</h2>
+
+<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. -->
+<p>
+<a href="#CHAPTER_I">I.&mdash;Is all our company here?&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_II">II.&mdash;What stories I'll tell when my sojerin' is o'er.&mdash;<i>Lever</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_III">III.&mdash;Come all ye warmheart'd countrymen I pray you will draw
+near.&mdash;<i>Old Ballad</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_IV">IV.&mdash;Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of
+ground.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_V">V.&mdash;I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land.&mdash;<i>John Boyle
+O'Reilly</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VI">VI.&mdash;What strange things we see and what queer things we do.&mdash;<i>Modern
+Song</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VII">VII.&mdash;He employs his fancy in his narrative and keep his recollections
+for his wit.&mdash;<i>Richard Brindsley Sheridan</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">VIII.&mdash;Every one shall offer according to what he hath.&mdash;<i>Deut.</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_IX">IX.&mdash;One man in his time plays many parts.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_X">X.&mdash;Originality is nothing more than judicious imitation.&mdash;<i>Voltaire</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XI">XI.&mdash;All places that the eye of heaven visits are happy
+havens.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XII">XII.&mdash;There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIII">XIII.&mdash;Life is mostly froth and bubble.&mdash;<i>The Hill</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIV">XIV.&mdash;Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XV">XV.&mdash;Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest
+day.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVI">XVI.&mdash;A new way to pay old debts.</a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVII">XVII.&mdash;The actors are at hand.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XVIII">XVIII.&mdash;Twinkle, twinkle little star.&mdash;<i>Nursery Rhymes</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XIX">XIX.&mdash;Experience is a great teacher&mdash;the events of life its
+chapters.&mdash;<i>Sainte Beuve</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XX">XX.&mdash;I am not an imposter that proclaim myself against the level of my
+aim.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXI">XXI.&mdash;I'll view the town, peruse the traders, gaze upon the
+buildings.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXII">XXII.&mdash;Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or
+vaudeville.&mdash;<i>Geo. Elliott</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIII">XXIII.&mdash;All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely
+players.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXIV">XXIV.&mdash;There's nothing to be got nowadays, unless thou can'st fish for
+it.&mdash;<i>Shakespeare</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXV">XXV.&mdash;Joy danced with Mirth, a gay fantastic crowd.&mdash;<i>Collins</i></a><br />
+
+<a href="#CHAPTER_XXVI">XXVI.&mdash;Say not "Good Night," but in some brighter clime bid me "Good
+Morning."&mdash;<i>Barbauld</i></a><br />
+
+</p>
+<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. -->
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h2><i>A Pirate of Parts</i></h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I</h2>
+
+<h3>"Is all our company here?"</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Midsummer Night's Dream.</span></h4>
+
+
+
+<p>Yes, he was a strolling player pure and simple. He was an actor by
+profession, and jack of all trades through necessity. He could play any
+part from <i>Macbeth</i> to the hind leg of an elephant, equally well or bad,
+as the case might be. What he did not know about a theatre was not worth
+knowing; what he could not do about a playhouse was not worth
+doing&mdash;provided you took his word for it. From this it might be inferred
+he was a useful man, but he was not. He had a queer way of doing things
+he ought not to do, and of leaving undone things he should have done.
+Good nature, however, was his chief quality. He bubbled over with it.
+Under the most trying circumstances he never lost his temper. He laughed
+his way through life, apparently without care. Yet he was a man of
+family, and those who were dependent upon him were not neglected, for
+his little ones were uppermost in his heart. Acting was his legitimate
+calling, but he would attempt anything to turn an honest penny. In turn
+he had been sailor, engineer, pilot, painter, manager, lecturer,
+bartender, soldier, author, clown, pantaloon, and a brass band. To
+preach a sermon would disconcert him as little as to undertake to
+navigate a balloon. He could get away with a pint of Jersey lightning,
+and under its stimulating influence address a blue ribbon temperance
+meeting on the pernicious effects of rum. Where he was born no one could
+tell. He claimed laughingly that it was so long since he was first
+produced he had lost track of the date. A friend of his maintained that
+he was bred in the blue grass region, he was such an admirable judge of
+whisky. On that score he might as well have been born in the County
+Galway as in the state of Kentucky. He had a voluminous shock of red
+hair; his name was Handy, and no one ever thought of addressing him
+otherwise, even on the slightest acquaintance. When he had an engagement
+he was poorer than when he was out of a job. He was a daisy of the
+chronic impecunious variety.</p>
+
+<p>The summer of &mdash;'7 was a hard season with actors, and as Handy was one
+of the guild he suffered like the rest of his calling. He was not so
+fortunate as to have country relatives with whom he might visit and
+spend a brief vacation down on the old farm, so he had to bestir himself
+to hit upon some scheme or other to bridge over the so-called dog days.
+He pondered over the matter, and finally determined to organize a
+company to work the towns along the Long Island Sound coast. Most men
+would have shrunk from an undertaking of this character without the
+necessary capital to embark in the venture. Handy, however, was not an
+individual of that type. He was a man of great natural and economical
+resources, when put to the test. Moreover, he had a friend who was the
+owner of a good-sized canvas tent; was on familiar terms with another
+who was the proud possessor of a fairly good-sized sailing craft; his
+credit at the printer's was good for twenty or twenty-five dollars, and
+in addition he had eleven dollars in hard cash in his inside pocket.
+What more could an enterprising man, with energy to burn, desire?</p>
+
+<p>On the Rialto Handy picked up seven good men and true, who, like
+himself, had many a time and oft fretted their brief hour upon the
+stage&mdash;and possibly will again,&mdash;who were willing to embark their fame
+and fortune in the venture. They knew Handy was a sailor bold, and so
+long as they had an angel in the shape of a vessel to perform the
+transportation part of the scheme without being compelled to count
+railroad ties, in case of ill luck, sailing was good enough for them.
+Besides, time was no object, for they had plenty of it to spare.</p>
+
+<p>They were all actors like Handy himself. The stories they could unfold
+of barn-storming in country towns in years gone by would fill a volume
+as bulky as a census report. Moreover, they could turn their talents to
+any line of business and double, treble, quintuple parts as easily as
+talk. They were players of the old stock school.</p>
+
+<p>One of the company played a cornet badly enough to compel the
+inhabitants of any civilized town to take to the woods until he had made
+his departure; another was a flutist of uncertain qualifications, while
+a third could rasp a little on the violin; and as for Handy himself, he
+could tackle any other instrument that might be necessary to make up a
+band; but playing the drum,&mdash;the bass drum,&mdash;or the cymbals, was his
+specialty.</p>
+
+<p>A company was accordingly organized, the day of departure fixed, the
+printing got out&mdash;and the printer "hung up." The vessel was anchored off
+Staten Island, and was provisioned with one keg of beer, a good-sized
+box of hardtack, a jar of Vesey Street pickles, a Washington Street ham,
+five large loaves and all the fishes in the bay. The company, after some
+preliminary preparations, boarded the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>, for such was
+the pretentious name of the unpretentious craft that was to carry C&aelig;sar
+and his fortunes. Perhaps Handy's own description of the first night's
+adventure might prove more interesting than if given by another.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II</h2>
+
+<h3>"What stories I'll tell when my sojerin is o'er."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Lever.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>"Well, sir, you see," said Handy some weeks after in relating the
+adventure to a friend, "we had previously determined to start from
+Staten Island, when one of the company got it into his head that we
+might show on the island for 'one night only,' and make a little
+something into the bargain. Besides, he reasoned, all first-class
+companies nowadays adopt that plan of breaking in their people. Some
+cynical individuals describe this first night operation as 'trying it on
+the dog,' but as that is a vulgar way of putting it we'll let it pass.
+We turned the matter over in our minds, and almost unanimously agreed
+that it was too near the city to make the attempt, but the strong
+arguments of Smith prevailed&mdash;he was the one who first advocated it&mdash;and
+we therefore resolved to set up our tent and present 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'
+with an unparalleled cast from the California Theatre.</p>
+
+<p>"You must remember we desired to have the company hail from a point as
+far distant as possible from New York, and we could hardly have gone
+further or we would have slid right plumb off the continent. But we told
+no lie about the company being unparalleled. No, sir. You couldn't match
+it for money. It was what might be legitimately considered a 'star cast
+company.'</p>
+
+<p>"One of the company was a dwarf. That was lucky, or we would have been
+stuck for a <i>Little Eva</i>. So the dwarf was cast for <i>Eva</i>; and he
+doubled up and served as an ice floe, with a painted soap box on his
+back to represent a floating cake of ice in the flight scene. He played
+the ice floe much better than he did <i>Eva</i>. But that's neither here nor
+there now, as he got through with both. What's more, he's alive to-day
+to tell the tale. Between ourselves, he was the oddest looking
+<i>Eva</i>&mdash;and the toughest one, too, for that matter&mdash;you ever clapped eyes
+upon.</p>
+
+<p>"In the dying scene, where <i>Eva</i> is supposed to start for heaven, we
+struck up the tune of 'Dem Golden Slippers' in what we considered
+appropriate time. Well! whatever it was&mdash;whether it was the music, the
+singing, or little <i>Eva's</i> departure for the heavenly regions&mdash;it nearly
+broke up the show. The audience simply wouldn't stand for it. Just at
+that impressive moment when the Golden Gates were supposed to be ajar,
+and dear little <i>Eva's</i> spirit was about to pass the gate-keeper, a
+couple of rural hoodlums in the starboard side of the tent began to
+whistle the suggestive psalm, 'There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+To-night.' When I heard it I felt convinced it wouldn't be safe to give
+that programme for more than one night in any town.</p>
+
+<p>"We hurried through the performance for two special reasons: first,
+because the audience evidently did not appear to appreciate or take
+kindly to the company from the California Theatre, and secondly on
+account of the rising wind which was beginning to blow up pretty fresh,
+and the tent was not sufficiently able-bodied to stand too much of a
+pressure from outside as well as from within. Consequently we rang down
+the curtain rather prematurely on the last act. It is nothing more than
+candid to allow that the audience was not as quiet at the close as in
+the earlier scenes of the drama. We had no kick coming, however, as the
+gross receipts footed up seventeen dollars and fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p>"We struck tent without much delay and managed to get our traps
+together. We were about to carry them down to the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>
+when Smith, the property man, approached me with the information that
+there was a man looking for me who intimated that he was going to levy
+on our props. 'What's up?' I asked.</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't know,' answered Smith, 'but I think you had better see him
+yourself.'</p>
+
+<p>"I did, and it proved to be the sheriff, or some fellow of that
+persuasion. He came to make it warm for us because, forsooth, we showed
+without a license. And this, mind you, in what we regard as a free
+country. Ye gods! Well, be that as it may, you can readily see we were
+in a bad box, and how to get out of it was the perplexing problem that
+confronted me.</p>
+
+<p>"I claimed ignorance of the law, but it was no go. I then attempted a
+bluff game, but it wouldn't work for a cent. I tried him on all the
+points of the compass of strategem, but he was a Staten Islander, and I
+failed satisfactorily to inoculate him with my histrionic eloquence. The
+members of the company, however, were not wasting time and were getting
+the things down to the dock, only a short distance off.</p>
+
+<p>"Finally, as if inspired, I suggested to the official that we drop over
+the way, to Clausen's, and talk the matter over. I was thirsty, and I
+had an instinctive idea that my political friend also was. He hesitated
+a moment, and then started across with me. We walked slowly and talked
+freely. At length we got down to hard pan. I was ready to settle up and
+pay the license fee, but he wasn't ready to receive it. The fee, I
+think, was five dollars, but he wanted something in addition for his
+trouble. He didn't say as much, but I knew that was what he was hinting
+at. These politicians are so modest. I know them from past experience.</p>
+
+<p>"When we reached Clausen's we retired to a quiet corner in the back room
+and continued our conversation. I set up the beer, called for the
+cigars, and then motioned for another round. The sheriff was quite
+agreeable. Suddenly it flashed through my mind that I did not have one
+cent in my clothes. Sy Jones, whom we had appointed treasurer, had taken
+possession of the gross receipts. I was nonplussed for the time being.
+What to do I couldn't tell for the moment, but I didn't communicate that
+fact to my official friend. We had some more refreshments, and then I
+excused myself for a minute and went out into the yard back of the
+house. As fate would have it, the fence was not high. Without much
+hesitation I took chances, sprang over it, and started for the
+water-side as quickly as my legs would travel.</p>
+
+<p>"I knew exactly where the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> lay. The boys had worked
+like beavers in the interim. They had everything stowed away snugly. It
+did not take me long to get aboard with the rest of the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"'Get to work and cast off as quickly as you can,' I whispered, rather
+than yelled. It was an anxious moment, I tell you, for just at that
+moment the front door of Clausen's power house was flung wide open and
+loud and angry voices were borne on the night wind to where we lay.
+'Push her bow off, for the Lord's sake!' I yelled, while I was busily
+engaged in running up the jib.</p>
+
+<p>"It wasn't then a question of sheriff alone. Clausen, the German
+saloon-keeper, and his gang were coming down on us like a pack of wolves
+on a sheepfold. Clausen, naturally enough, was considerably put out,
+simply because I was forced through the contradictory nature of
+conflicting circumstances to arbitrarily stand him up for the
+refreshments and smokes, and he appeared desirous of getting square.
+Fortunately for us, the high wind that had threatened to blow over our
+tent was off-shore, and by the time the Staten Islanders reached the end
+of the dock we had a good breeze full on the sails and were laying our
+course for the hospitable shore of Long Island."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III</h2>
+
+<h3>"Come all ye warm-hearted countrymen, I pray you will draw near."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Old Song</span>.</h4>
+
+
+<p>"About daybreak we passed through Hell Gate, with a kiting breeze, and
+were pointing for Whitestone, where we proposed to show the following
+night. We reached there some time in the forenoon. Fancy our dismay when
+we learned that North's Circus was billed there the same evening. North
+had chartered a steamer and was bent on precisely the same lay as we
+were, with this difference, that he was more thoroughly equipped for the
+undertaking. As soon as we made this unpleasant discovery our spirits
+fell to zero and our hearts slipped into our boots. Some of the people
+were so discouraged that they were in favor of giving up the 'snap'
+there and then, but the more optimistic ones determined to stick it out,
+and stick we did.</p>
+
+<p>"Along in the afternoon we saw the North steamer come along with flags
+flying and a band playing. If we hadn't been on professional business
+ourselves we possibly might have enjoyed the exhibition. We should have
+left Whitestone right away, but the wind had died out and there wasn't a
+capful of air stirring. Some of the members of the company expressed a
+desire to go ashore, but I objected. I had made up my mind to start with
+the first breath of wind that sprang up. To profitably employ our time
+we set to work to fish for our supper. Our larder was not over and above
+flush, and a few fish would prove quite acceptable. Just about sundown a
+breeze sprang up, and we took advantage of it. We hoisted anchor and
+stood up the Sound with every stitch of canvas set and drawing.</p>
+
+<p>"I forget just the name of the next stopping place we reached, but I
+should judge it was a point opposite, or nearly opposite, to Greenwich
+or Stamford. We remained on board until about eight o'clock next
+morning, and then a little party went ashore to reconnoiter. The town
+proper was only a short distance from the little harbor. Imagine our
+feelings when we ascertained that North had billed this town also, and
+was to show there that very night. This was too much for poor, trusting
+human nature. The opposition show itself we wouldn't have minded, but
+the colored printing, streamers, and snipes that adorned the fences,
+barns and hen houses almost paralyzed us.</p>
+
+<p>"In sheer desperation we brought the tent ashore and prepared to tackle
+fate and the opposition, and trust to luck. We put out no bills, and got
+ready to make much big noise of the proper kind when the opportune
+moment arrived. We hired a wagon from an enterprising farmer for our
+band; then sent complimentary tickets to the dominie to come to see
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin,' for the familiar old drama, notwithstanding the
+wear and tear of many years of barn-storming, is still regarded as
+somewhat of a religious entertainment. We toiled like beavers to work up
+business for the night. The attraction pitted against us was strong, but
+what of that? Desperation gave us strength, and we hoped for the best.</p>
+
+<p>"Along in the afternoon as I was about to board the <i>Gem</i> I was
+astonished to find no appearance of the North circus steamer. It was
+nigh on to high water, a dead calm prevailed, and the atmosphere was hot
+and misty. I thought little of it at the time, until I reached the deck.
+I knew that, allowing a fair margin for delay, a power craft could run
+up in short order, and an hour or so would be ample time to put up the
+tent and get everything in readiness for the night's performance.</p>
+
+<p>"While I sat at the head of the companionway meditating over the
+situation and drawing consolation from a bit of briarwood, the property
+man hailed me from the shore. I immediately manned the dingy and rowed
+for the shore to ascertain what was the matter. When I got there he
+informed me that some of the inhabitants from the interior had got in
+town to see the show and were anxious to buy reserved seats. I inquired
+if he had accommodated them. He told me he had not done so, as he had an
+idea that it was the other show they were looking for. However, he was
+not certain on that score. For the time being, however, he put them off
+with the explanation that the ticket register was out of order and the
+tickets were not yet ready. The family wagons and carryalls were
+beginning to come in, and by four o'clock or thereabouts the little
+place presented quite an animated appearance. The prospects for a crowd
+were good. Every minute I expected to hear the sound of the steamboat's
+whistle at the point announcing her arrival. It was getting along well
+in the afternoon when the thought entered my mind, 'Now, if by any
+chance the steamer should be delayed, what course would I pursue?'</p>
+
+<p>"The more I turned the subject over in my mind the stronger I became
+impressed with the idea that desperate cases necessitate strenuous
+remedies. The heat of the afternoon became oppressive, and the haze had
+become a thick fog over the water. Occasionally it would lift slightly
+and then settle down more dense than before. Five o'clock came, and
+still no steamer. About ten minutes later we heard a sound that nearly
+knocked me out. It was the steamer with the other fellow's show. We
+heard the blow, but could not get a glimpse of the blowpipe. We could
+hear, but could not see. We remained on board some time, and then all
+hands went ashore. The fog still hung over the water and the whistle
+continued to blow. We resolved to play a desperate game. So long as the
+fog continued we were all safe, as I felt satisfied the captain of the
+steamer would not dare venture to run in closer to the shore at that
+stage of the tide, especially in such a fog.</p>
+
+<p>"We hurried up to the tent and began to sell tickets. Buyers naturally
+made inquiries, but the ticket-seller economized considerably on the
+truth in his answers. We paid the farmer for his wagon that had been
+used by the band one half in cash and the balance in passes. Sharp at
+eight o'clock we rung the curtain up to a jammed house of the most
+astonished countrymen, women and children you ever set eyes upon. They
+did not know what to make of it, but they swallowed it all in the most
+good-natured manner possible. We introduced bits of 'The Old Homestead,'
+'The Two Orphans,' 'Rip Van Winkle,' slices of Shakespeare, Augustus
+Thomas, George Ade, and other great writers, so you see we were giving
+them bits of the best living and dead dramatists. Our native
+Shakespeares do the same thing nowadays in all of their original works,
+and that's no idle fairy tale. We sandwiched comedy, drama, tragedy, and
+farce, and interlarded the mixture with Victor Herbert and Oscar
+Hammerstein's opera comique and May Irwin coon songs. Such a
+presentation of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' was never before presented, and I am
+free to confess the chances are never will be again. We actually played
+the town on the other fellow's paper. It wasn't exactly according to
+Hoyle, but then any reasonable thinking man will concede that necessity
+knows no law, and as the country people came to see a show it would have
+been a grievous sin to have disappointed them.</p>
+
+<p>"It did not take us long to strike tent and hurry on board when the
+curtain fell on the last act. By this time the fog had lifted. As there
+was a breeze we made sail and stood out for the open sea. It was near
+the top of high water as we passed the point, and there we saw the
+steamer going in. She had run on a sandbar in the fog and was compelled
+to stay there for high water to get off. That's how the other fellow got
+left and how we turned his mishap to our advantage."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV</h2>
+
+<h3>"Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of barren
+ground....<br />
+ The wills above be done, but I would fain die a dry
+death."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Tempest.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>By midnight the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> was well out in the Sound. A stiff
+breeze was now blowing, and the little craft was footing it at a rapid
+rate. Handy was now in his native element. He and his company felt that
+they had turned a clever trick. It was an achievement worthy of the most
+accomplished barnstormer. The idea of playing the town on the other
+fellow's paper, ye gods! it was an accomplishment to feel proud of;
+something to be stored away in the memory; something to be set aside for
+future use when nights were long and congenial companions were gathered
+about a cheerful fireside to listen to stories of days gone by.</p>
+
+<p>Supper disposed of, the company were grouped together near the
+companionway smoking the pipes of peace and anxious to discuss the next
+managerial move. Handy, of course, was the prime mover in all
+things&mdash;the one man to whom they all looked to pilot them safely through
+the difficulties they expected to encounter. So far they considered he
+had made good. He appeared to be in the best of spirits. Seated on an
+up-turned bucket, drawing meditatively on his well-seasoned briarwood,
+he looked a perfect picture of content. Not so, however, the "little
+'un," as the boys playfully addressed the dwarf. The motion of the
+vessel did not harmonize with peculiarities of his interior
+arrangements, and unless the <i>Gem</i> stopped rolling and pitching there
+was evidently trouble ahead. Matters were approaching a crisis with him.
+He had little or nothing to say. In fact, he was doing his best, as he
+afterwards admitted, to keep his spirits up while he manfully struggled
+to keep material matter down.</p>
+
+<p>"Is it always as rough as this, Handy?" he asked in a plaintive voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Rough as this, eh, my bold buccaneer," responded Handy, cheerily;
+"rough as this? Why, there's scarcely a whitecap on the water. You ain't
+going to be seasick, are you? Well, at any rate, if you are, possibly it
+may be all for the best. 'Twill make a new man of you."</p>
+
+<p>"Maybe he don't want to be made a new man of," suggested the low comedy
+man.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, cork up and give us a rest," appealed the Little 'Un, somewhat
+testily. "I'm all right, only I don't relish the confounded motion of
+the craft. First she rocks one way, then another, and then again she
+seems to have the fidgets, and pitches in fits and starts. I don't see
+any sense in it. Steamboats don't cut up such capers, at least, none of
+those that I've had any experience with."</p>
+
+<p>"Brace up, my hearty," said Handy, removing the briarwood from his lips.
+"Brace up. You'll feel all right anon."</p>
+
+<p>"Anon isn't half bad," again jocularly interposed the comedy gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>The wind was gradually freshening. There was by this time quite a sea
+on, and the Little 'Un was beginning to succumb to the influence of
+prevailing conditions. A sudden gust struck the <i>Gem</i>, and, yielding to
+it, the group that was sitting so contentedly a few seconds before about
+the companionway went rolling in a heap down to leeward in the cockpit.
+This was altogether too much for the Little 'Un. He picked himself
+together as well as he could, and doubled over the rail, Handy holding
+on to his extremities. It was a trying scene for a time, and Handy had
+the worst of it.</p>
+
+<p>"Steady there, now, old fellow, you'll feel all serene when you give up.
+There's no danger."</p>
+
+<p>A minute or so later the poor little chap was taken from the rail as
+limp as a wet rag, and was stretched out on the deck with a coil of rope
+for a pillow.</p>
+
+<p>"When you get me on a snap of this kind again," he began in a feeble
+voice, after he had somewhat recovered, "you just let me know. No more
+water adventures for me. I know when I have had enough. Dry land for
+mine hereafter."</p>
+
+<p>Handy endeavored to console and cheer him up, but in vain. The poor
+sufferer was completely used up. He had yielded his gross receipts to
+Neptune, and would, at that particular moment, have mortgaged his
+prospects in the future to have been able to set foot on terra firma.
+With some little difficulty Handy and one of the crew succeeded in
+getting him below and stowed him away in a bunk.</p>
+
+<p>The wind increased during the night, and by two in the morning it was
+blowing a half-gale. The <i>Gem</i> was trimmed down to close reefs, and all
+but the crew and Handy had turned in&mdash;but not to sleep. Handy, who was
+an experienced sailor, remained on deck all night. He was never away
+from his post. He was as good a sailor as he was bad as a financier.
+This speaks volumes for his abilities as a mariner.</p>
+
+<p>The night passed over without mishap, and shortly before sunrise the
+wind gave evidence of going down. There was, however, a high sea
+running, and though the little craft behaved nobly and was skillfully
+handled, yet to men unaccustomed to go down to the sea in ships calmer
+weather would have been acceptable. Daylight dawned at last. Later the
+sun made his appearance, red and fiery, looking as if annoyed at the
+capers old Boreas had been cutting up during the night. The wind went
+down as the sun rose higher, and long before noon all was calm and
+peaceful. The spirits of the company were restored. As the morning
+passed jokes and merriment helped to dispel the unpleasant experiences
+of the storm of the previous night. Handy's good humor was particularly
+conspicuous, as he had a cheerful word for all. His spirits were as
+buoyant as the craft that bore his troupers.</p>
+
+<p>At breakfast&mdash;or after breakfast, rather&mdash;the momentous question rose as
+to where the next stand should be made. The company had already tested
+its ability as well as the forbearance of two audiences, and
+financially, if not artistically, came out fairly well. It is only fair
+to admit, however, not one individual member of the troupe made what is
+designated as a personal success. There was now money in the treasury,
+and plenty of confidence to go with it. The consensus of opinion,
+however, appeared to be that "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was a little too risky
+to repeat. It was admitted that <i>Eva</i> was not what might be described as
+a howling success. Moreover, the boxes that did duty for ice floes were
+fortunately, or unfortunately, left behind on the golden sands of Long
+Island. In addition to that, the artist who performed the dog act and
+who as a barker in Coney Island might be considered clever in a way was
+now as hoarse as a second-hand trombone from a third-rate pawnshop let
+out for hire to a broken-down German band. An hundred and one
+difficulties were interposed against the further presentation of the
+well-worn old drama. It was finally decided that <i>Uncle Tom</i> should be
+relieved from duty, for the present at least, and the play and the
+public given a rest.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V</h2>
+
+<h3>"I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">John Boyle O'Reilly.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>The main point to be decided was the selection of the town in which the
+next exhibition should be made. Various places were named, their
+resources summed up, and the peculiarities of the inhabitants canvassed.
+None of them seemed to the assembled wisdom of the company to fill the
+bill. Handy apparently appeared to take slight interest in the
+deliberations, but his active brain, notwithstanding, was at work. He
+was considering the situation, and quietly letting his companions
+ventilate their views before offering his. At length the exchange of
+opinions reached the stage when the sage deemed it was proper to speak.</p>
+
+<p>"Eureka!" he exclaimed, "I have it."</p>
+
+<p>"Suffer us not to remain in ignorance," urged the comedian. "Do not
+dissemble&mdash;enlighten us."</p>
+
+<p>"Newport!"</p>
+
+<p>"Newport!" they all repeated in surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"Newport!" Handy replied calmly, and the company looked at each other
+and then turned their gaze on Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"He's off his base," said the dwarf. "Why, we wouldn't take in money
+enough to pay for the lights. Newport! Great C&aelig;sar's ghost!"</p>
+
+<p>"We'll never get out of the place alive," volunteered the dog-man.</p>
+
+<p>Handy merely smiled as he listened to his companions' objections, but he
+was firm in his resolve to have his way.</p>
+
+<p>"Newport, my friends," began Handy, complacently, "is our mutton; and
+when I explain my reason for the selection I think you will concede the
+wisdom of my choice. Society, or the blue blood of the country, as it is
+regarded by some, make annual visits about this time to Newport, to
+enjoy themselves and to be amused and entertained. We can give them an
+entertainment such as they have never seen before, and possibly may
+never see again. However, you never can tell. Anything and everything in
+the way of novelty goes with them. It matters not what it may be so long
+as it is odd, new, or novel. Remember, we live in a changeable,
+hustling, ragtime age. Coon songs are almost as popular with the best of
+them as grand opera, and more readily appreciated. If we don't surprise
+and amuse them I shall be very much disappointed. A tent show in staid,
+fashionable old Newport is an unheard-of undertaking, and we will have
+the honor, and, I may add, the profit of inaugurating the fashion.
+There's the rub. The very novelty and the boldness of the undertaking
+cannot, in my humble judgment, fail to appeal to these pleasure-seekers.
+Of course, we can hardly expect them to invite us to remain for the rest
+of the season. But let that pass. That's another consideration. It is a
+one night only racket, and trust me we'll do business. When they will
+have the&mdash;the a&mdash;well, call it pleasure of listening to that strenuous
+band of ours on parade, it will be the talk of the town. Mark what I
+say," and Handy smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens, Handy, old man!" exclaimed the Little 'Un tremulously,
+"you are not going to let that band loose on the unsuspecting
+inhabitants, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Such is my fell purpose," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Is there a police force there?" queried the comedian; "for if there be
+you can hand me my divvy right now. Tie the <i>Gem</i> up to the first rock
+we come to and put me ashore. No Newport for mine, thank you."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, what is the matter with all of you? Does the name of Newport faze
+you? Don't you know that human nature is the same the world over in all
+time and in all places, and that the venturesome fellow appeals to all
+classes&mdash;rich as well as poor? Let me tell you, boys, if you will stand
+by me in this deal I'll pull you through all right. Besides, the success
+of our Newport date&mdash;and in the height of the season, too&mdash;will be
+something to boast of when we get back to the Great White Way. It sounds
+big&mdash;some style about it, and, take it from me, boys, style is
+everything in our profesh just now. You may have no talent, and not be
+able to act even a little bit, but if you have style and cheek and put
+up a good front you can count on an engagement every time. That's the
+kind of stuff stars are made of now."</p>
+
+<p>Handy's matter-of-fact argument was sufficient. He carried his point.
+The company agreed to do Newport and take chances. It had previously
+been decided to shelve "Uncle Tom's Cabin." So that perplexing matter
+was settled. The important consideration, however, arose, what should
+they substitute. A variety of pieces were named, but no decision was
+reached. Handy's wonderful fertility of resource at length came to the
+rescue and brought forth, much to the amazement of all, "Humpty Dumpty."
+They had, it is true, no columbine, but a little thing like that did not
+trouble the irrepressible Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Do not the annals of the American stage lay bare the fact," quoth he,
+"that on one occasion in Wallack's old theatre, when it was located
+downtown on Broadway, near Broome Street, in New York, during the run of
+John Brougham's brilliant burlesque, 'Pocahontas,' with the famous
+author himself in the cast as <i>Powhattan</i>, and Charles Walcot as
+<i>Captain John Smith</i>, the extravaganza was given for one night only
+without a <i>Pocahontas</i>. And the records say it was the most remarkable
+and amusing performance of its entire run."</p>
+
+<p>Plays with and without plots are frequently presented nowadays in many
+of our so-called first-class theatres, with players of no experience and
+little natural ability. The public accepts them because they are offered
+nothing better. But that's neither here nor there at present. In "Humpty
+Dumpty" they had a good standard name. Just old enough to be new.</p>
+
+<p>"It is true," Handy argued, "we have not the necessary stage equipment
+for a metropolitan production. The only thing we have, for that matter,
+is the name. That is enough for us, and we are going to do the best we
+can with it. Ordinary actors, together with all the necessary equipment
+of props and scenery, might be able to attempt a presentation of the
+famous pantomime, but it takes your strolling players, bred and brought
+up in the old stock school, to turn the trick without them."</p>
+
+<p>It was a lazy day on board the little vessel. There was no wind. The sun
+poured down his rays so fiercely that it was almost unbearable. It was a
+dead calm. All the sailing vessels within sight were motionless. Not a
+sound disturbed the monotony of the scene, save the distant beat of the
+paddles or propellers of an approaching or receding steamboat. Newport,
+the gay world of the summer metropolis of fashion, loomed up in the
+distance, looking as beautiful as an alliance of art with nature could
+make a favored location. This was the Mecca toward which those on board
+directed their eyes and thoughts.</p>
+
+<p>Evening came, and with it a refreshing breeze. Once more the <i>Gem</i> was
+under headway, and shortly after sundown the little vessel was safely in
+port, her anchor dropped, and the sails snugly furled. As soon as
+everything was made shipshape on board, Handy and a member of the
+company rowed ashore to see how the land lay from a stroller's point of
+view as well as to select a site for the tent.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI</h2>
+
+<h3>"What strange things we see and what queer things we do."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;'<span class="smcap">Tis English, You Know.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>It was the height of the season. The colony was alive with the wealthy
+and fashionable ones of the republic. Thousands of bright lights shone
+through the clearness of the purple night, and music filled the summer
+air with melodious sound. Life, apparently devoid of care, and pleasures
+with youth, beauty and excitement, were blended in harmonious ensemble.
+Handy took in the entire situation. He read, and read correctly, too,
+the constituency to which he was about to appeal. An ordinary theatrical
+company going there and hiring a hall, he concluded, would be nothing
+out of the usual run, and the chances are the performance would fall
+flat, stale and unprofitable. The possibility for the success of the
+tent, on account of its novelty, appealed strongly to his optimistic
+imagination. He was determined to carry the place by storm. A vacant lot
+close to one of the fashionable drives was secured for the scene of the
+thespian operations.</p>
+
+<p>"Here pitch we our tent," said Handy, "and don't you make any bloomin'
+error about it. 'Tis the boss place. Elegant surroundings; magnificent
+locality, easy to reach, and lots of room for carriages to come and go!"</p>
+
+<p>It may, perhaps, be as well to mention that the date selected for the
+entertainment was Saturday, just two nights ahead. For that same night a
+grand operatic concert was announced, under the patronage of an aspiring
+clique, in another part of the town. Good artists, though somewhat
+ancient, were billed to take part in it. The craze for the antique then,
+as now, had no such potency as may be positively relied upon.
+Well-seasoned age has its disadvantages. Fashion is ever capricious in
+the selection of objects for its recognition. So far as Handy was
+concerned, the operatic enterprise did not in the least disturb his
+mind.</p>
+
+<p>It was rather late when he got aboard. All hands, however, were on the
+look-out for him, anxiously awaiting his return. He briefly summed up
+the result of his work on shore; explained what he purposed to do, and
+concluded by impressing upon the members of his company the necessity of
+making all preparations with a view to rapid movements both before and
+after the performance.</p>
+
+<p>After all the others had turned in for the night Handy remained on deck
+cogitating over his plans and perplexing his brain over approaching
+futurities. At length he too stretched himself out for sleep. He was up
+with the sun. Like a celebrated statesman of bygone days, he was going
+to make the greatest effort of his life.</p>
+
+<p>By noon next day he received from the local printer the proof sheet of a
+bill of the play. It was a curiosity in its way, and a copy of it may
+interest the reader. It read as follows:</p>
+
+
+<h4>THE INDEPENDENT THEATRE!</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">The Greatest Show of its Kind on Earth!</span></h4>
+
+<h4>FUN UNDER A TENT.</h4>
+
+
+<h4><i>On this Saturday Evening</i></h4>
+
+
+<h4>Will be presented for the first and only occasion,<br />
+Under the Distinguished Patronage of Everybody,<br />
+the Great Spectacular and Classic Pantomime<br />
+HUMPTY DUMPTY,</h4>
+
+<h4><i>By a company of well trained star artists.</i></h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">The Only Show of its Quality in Existence.</span></h4>
+
+<h4>Those who see the performance will never forget it.</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Secure Your Seats Early.</span></h4>
+
+<h4><i>By special request of a number of distinguished visitors the<br />
+performance will not begin until 8:30.</i></h4>
+
+<h4>Carriages may be ordered for any hour.</h4>
+
+<h4>Box sheet ready at noon Saturday, corner of Vanderbilt <br />
+and Astor Avenues.</h4>
+
+<p>When Handy read the programme to his company they were so astonished
+they scarcely knew what to say. At first they appeared to regard it as a
+joke. Handy's manner betokened earnestness. His companions thought it
+best to withhold their curiosity and await further developments. Their
+manager they knew to be a man of action&mdash;a species of Oscar Hammerstein
+in embryo, with a blending of Wilkins Micawber and Mulberry Sellers
+mixed in.</p>
+
+<p>The company employed the afternoon in folding circulars and programmes.
+Handy himself was deep in the study of the &eacute;lite directory, and under
+his direction a large number of envelopes were carefully addressed. The
+work went on systematically. Night at last arrived, and all hands
+enjoyed a respite from clerical labor. At nine o'clock the company went
+ashore, carrying with them their tent, costumes and properties&mdash;such as
+they were. It was a busy night on land, and their strenuous exertions,
+under the cover of darkness, accomplished wonders under Handy's
+guidance. It was next door to daylight when they got back to the ship to
+take a rest before the arduous work of the eventful day began.</p>
+
+<p>Before noon the canvas showhouse on the corner was the principal subject
+of conversation throughout the town. During the night the strollers had
+set up their tent, and there was scarcely a house in town in which they
+had not placed handbills and circulars announcing the coming
+performance. No matter where an inhabitant wandered one of the "Humpty
+Dumpty" programmes was sure to be found. The people at first glance
+regarded the announcement with some degree of doubt, but the appearance
+of the tent, with the flags flying, dispelled that fear. The tent seemed
+to have got there by magic. Like the palace of Aladdin, it had sprung
+into existence during the night. Its appearance excited curiosity and
+provoked gossip, and the announcement of "Humpty Dumpty" was a puzzle.
+With the most unparalleled nerve messenger boys were dispatched to the
+fashionable cottages with circulars soliciting patronage and inviting
+attendance, and a considerable number of the cottagers, attracted by the
+novelty of the undertaking, concluded it would be a good joke to go to
+see the extraordinary show.</p>
+
+<p>"We'll paralyze 'em," said Handy to his fellow-players, as they were
+grouped together on the stage preparing red lights, which he proposed to
+use as a species of illumination. "Wait until I let the band loose in
+the streets, and if it don't fetch 'em, well, I'll quit the business."</p>
+
+<p>"Handy, methinks we made a bloomin' blunder," remarked the Little 'Un.
+"We ought to have billed the town for a week."</p>
+
+<p>"A week?" queried the property man in some surprise. "Why so, may I ask,
+my noble critic?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, to be frank with you, because if we did, methinks after once or
+twice having made acquaintance with our band, 'tis dollars to doughnuts
+they would have substantially staked us to leave town."</p>
+
+<p>Handy looked at the speaker with a glance of mingled cynicism and humor,
+and turning to the treasurer inquired, "How is the advance sale?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ninety-seven and a half dollars," replied the secretary of the
+treasury.</p>
+
+<p>"Good enough! We're away ahead of expenses now."</p>
+
+<p>At eight o'clock there was some excitement noticeable down near the
+water convenient to one of the avenues. A few minutes later and the
+band, led by Handy, came forth. As the musicians marched the crowd
+increased. Up the principal street the strollers paraded, preceded and
+accompanied by a crowd of urchins and curiosity seekers. People came to
+the doors to look and hear, and many windows had their occupants. The
+streets were crowded, and by the time the band reached the tent it was
+fairly well filled. It might be as well to say that the majority of
+those who went to witness "Humpty Dumpty" did so for the pure fun of the
+thing, and determined to have the lark out. There was no orchestra, for
+the orchestra was the band, and the band had to do the acting.</p>
+
+<p>The curtain went up somewhere about the hour announced. Had poor dead
+and gone G. L. Fox, the original <i>Humpty</i>, and the greatest pantomimist
+of the American stage, been living and among the audience, he could not
+have failed to enjoy the performance. It is impossible to describe it in
+detail.</p>
+
+<p>After a brief period the most friendly relations were established
+between the people before and beyond the footlights. Remarks full of fun
+and humor were freely exchanged. Handy played <i>Humpty</i>, and introduced
+by way of variety a breakdown that, in the manipulation of his legs,
+would have made Francis Wilson grow green with envy. Smith was the
+<i>Pantaloon</i>, and obligingly entertained the audience, by special
+request, with the song of "Mr. Dooley," in the chorus of which the
+audience joined with vigor. The song is not new, but Smith's particular
+version, as well as his vocal rendition, was. The dwarf, who posed
+somewhat as a magician and sleight-of-hand man, undertook for some
+reason or other to attempt the great Indian box trick. Two gentlemen
+from the audience were invited to come on the stage to tie the performer
+with a rope. This was a most unfortunate move. Two well-known yachtsmen,
+and good sailors to boot, saw the chance for additional fun, and
+accepted the invitation with alacrity. They set to work and knotted the
+little man so tightly that he yelled to them, for heaven's sake, to let
+up. The audience could restrain itself no longer with laughter. It was
+plainly to be recognized that the show was fast drawing to a close.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand him on his head," spoke some one at the rear of the tent.</p>
+
+<p>"Pass him along this way, my hearties, and we'll take a reef in his dry
+goods," cried out someone else.</p>
+
+<p>"We won't do a thing to him," chipped in a third humorist in the center
+of the tent.</p>
+
+<p>The tent was convulsed with laughter and merriment had full swing. It
+was indeed a most remarkable performance, and the best of good nature
+prevailed. At the moment when the hilarity was at its height a commotion
+was heard outside of the tent. The band, or a portion of it, burst forth
+once more in the street with the most discordant sounds mortal ears ever
+heard. This brought the performance on the stage to a close.</p>
+
+<p>"I would never have been able to get them out of the tent," explained
+Handy afterwards, "only for my letting the band&mdash;that is, the worst
+portion of it&mdash;loose on the outside."</p>
+
+<p>To make a long story short, as the saying goes, the poor players cleared
+over three hundred dollars by the night's show, while the distinguished
+artists who gave grand opera in homeopathic doses in another end of the
+town sang to almost empty benches. Handy told no untruth when he
+announced on the bills that "those who witnessed the performance will
+never forget it."</p>
+
+<p>Years have rolled by since this company of poor strolling players
+attempted "Humpty Dumpty" in Newport, but the memory of that night still
+remains green in the minds of many.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII</h2>
+
+<h3>"He employs his fancy in his narrative and keeps his recollections
+for his wit."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Richard Brinsley Sheridan.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>A more delightful morning than that which followed the night of the
+strollers' eventful performance it would be difficult to imagine. It was
+the Sabbath, and the spirit of peace seemed to exercise its influence
+all around. The sun shone brightly; a gentle breeze diffused its cooling
+power, and the surface of the water was calm and placid. The graceful
+yachts riding at anchor were decked as daintily in their gay bunting as
+village maidens celebrating a f&ecirc;te. There was little of active life
+afloat or ashore. Those on board the pleasure craft presented an
+appearance different from that which characterized their movements the
+days previous. It was, indeed, a day of rest.</p>
+
+<p>Among the fleet of pleasure craft lay the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>. She was
+not a comely craft; her sides were weather-beaten, and her general
+appearance homely and unprepossessing; but the same waters that bore the
+others bore her. In her homeliness she presented a strange contrast to
+her surroundings. In the composition of those who were her occupants
+there was still greater difference. The men who trod the decks of the
+yachts were seekers after the pleasures of life, while those on board
+the <i>Gem</i> were engaged in the hard struggle to win bread for the loved
+ones who were miles and miles removed&mdash;living in want, perhaps, yet
+hoping for the best and for what expectancy would realize. The one set
+comprised the lucky ones of fortune&mdash;the butterflies of fashion; the
+other the strugglers for life&mdash;the vagabonds of fate. Yet these
+vagabonds had homes and mothers, wives and children, to whom the rough,
+sun-browned, coarsely clad men of the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> were their all,
+their world, and on the exertion of whose hands and brain they depended
+for food, raiment, and shelter. These poor strolling players had
+homes,&mdash;humble, it is true,&mdash;but still they were homes, which they loved
+for the sake of the dear ones harbored there.</p>
+
+<p>The forenoon was spent in letter writing. How eagerly these letters were
+longed for only those who hungered for tidings from absent loved ones
+can explain. There is a magic influence in these silent messengers.
+Freighted with consolation, joy, or sorrow, they are anxiously awaited.
+How much happiness do they not bring into a home when laden with words
+of tenderness and affection! Home! ah, he is indeed no vagabond who has
+a home, however modest, and dear ones awaiting to welcome him when he
+returns, tired and weary with his struggle in the race for advancement.</p>
+
+<p>Before midday the occupation of the morning was completed, and after a
+hearty meal the company gathered aft to pass away the time and talk over
+the past as well as to ventilate the prospects for the future. They were
+enjoying one day's rest, at least. Seated in the companionway was Handy,
+the high priest of the little organization.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think, gentlemen, on mature reconsideration," began Handy, "we
+might take another shy at 'Uncle Tom,' and do business?"</p>
+
+<p>The subject was thrown out for general discussion. The Little 'Un was
+the first to respond. He had been an <i>Uncle Tommer</i> for years, and his
+views consequently on the matter were regarded with consideration.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," he commenced, "the 'Uncle Tom' times are dead and gone. The
+play has had its day. To be sure, if it was resurrected and put on with
+what might be called an elaborate presentation, with a phenomenal cast,
+it might catch on for a brief spell. Of course, the cast would be an
+easy enough matter to get, as casts go. Stars nowadays, such as they
+are&mdash;Heaven save the mark!&mdash;are more plentiful than stock. But let them
+rest at that. I have known the time when there were as many as fifty
+<i>Uncle Tommers</i> on the road&mdash;all doing well, if not better. There were
+no theatrical syndicates in those times to limit the enterprise and
+energy of the aspiring though poor and ambitious manager. 'Uncle Tom'
+audiences were different from those who attended other theatrical snaps.
+There was so much of the religious faking mixed in with the old piece
+that it caught the Sunday-go-to-meeting crowd and drew them as a
+molasses barrel will draw flies. That class of people reasoned that
+'Uncle Tom' wasn't a real theatre show&mdash;it was a moral show. What fools
+we mortals be? Didn't some poor play actor say that, or did I think it
+out myself? Well, no matter now. But don't the newspapers tell us that
+there was a big bunch of people in New York City at one time who used to
+flock to Barnum's Museum, which stood opposite St. Paul's Church, on
+Broadway, and how they'd scoop in the show there simply because old
+Barnum called his theatre a lecture-room. It was the lecture-room racket
+that caught them. The old showman was a cute one&mdash;slick as they made
+'em. When the museum burned down, didn't he go to work and sell the hole
+in the ground the fire made to James Gordon Bennett, the elder, founder
+of <i>The Herald</i>, and got the best of the famous editor in the sale into
+the bargain. Ah, those were the good old times!"</p>
+
+<p>"The palmy days of the drama, I suppose," interjected Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Palmy fiddlesticks!" laughingly chimed in one of the group.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, joke as you may, boys, but I am giving you the straight goods,"
+continued the Little 'Un, handing out a little bit of reminiscent news
+of days gone by that will never be duplicated.</p>
+
+<p>"He's dead right. Speakin' of those days," added Smith, "I remember well
+the times gone by in the old Bowery Theatre on certain gay and festive
+occasions to have seen as many as seventeen glasses of good old
+Monongahela whisky set up in the green-room and not a man took water
+when called upon to do his duty. They have no green-rooms any more. But
+let me tell you that's where the managers of the present day take their
+cues from, for those after-performance first-night stage suppers that
+are frequently given for the entertainment of the principal players, a
+few select friends, and a big bunch of newspaper scribes. On the stage,
+mind you, not in the green-room, for the green-room is now a thing of
+the past."</p>
+
+<p>"Were you in the old Bowery shop then?" inquired Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Was I? What! Well, I should smile! You know me. Say, you may talk of
+the realistic drama of these degenerate days&mdash;why, they aren't one, two,
+nine with the shows of days gone by. Oh, you may laugh about stage
+realism and chin about real race-horses in racing scenes, and real
+society women to play real ladies, real burglars to crack unreal
+property safes, and real prize-fighters to do their prize-fighting
+fakes, in addition to attempting to act, but let me tell you fellows
+that the managers who are gone never missed a trick when they had to do
+a realistic stunt."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you ought to know, Smith," said Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, hang it, man alive! they did everything in the show business as
+good then as they do now; and what's more, they didn't have to import
+actors from abroad nor send over to the other side for stage managers to
+teach the company how to act. Was I in the old Bowery in them days? Was
+I? Sure, Mike! I went in there as a call-boy. Let me see&mdash;when? Oh, yes,
+I remember. It was the season that 'The Cataract of the Ganges' was
+brought out. Yes, sir, and they gave the 'Cataract' with real water,
+too, and make no bloomin' error about it either!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, come, come there, old man! Draw it mild. Don't pile it on too
+thick," interposed the doubting Thomas of the party and the most
+juvenile member of the troupe. "We can't stand all that. We are willing
+to swallow the whisky in the green-room, but water on the stage&mdash;oh, no!
+that's a little too much of a good thing. Why, my gentle romancer, the
+Croton water pipes weren't laid in the city in them days. Then how the
+mischief could they give the waterfall scene? With buckets, tubs, or
+with a pump&mdash;which? or with all three combined?"</p>
+
+<p>For a moment the speaker was nonplussed for an answer. He felt
+embarrassed, and looked so. He was about to make reply when another of
+the company who, by the way, was an old-timer like himself, boldly came
+to the rescue.</p>
+
+<p>"He's right," boldly asserted the new contributor to the conversation,
+"dead right. I remember the stunt myself."</p>
+
+<p>It may be as well to state that Smith's veracity about theatrical things
+in general was not what it should be. His stories never could keep
+companionship with truth. He had so ingenious a manner of prevarication
+that he actually believed his own tales. If what Smith at odd times,
+when he happened to be in the vein, related of himself was true, then he
+might be credited with having acted in nearly every city this side of
+the Rockies and have supported all the great stars. He was closely
+approaching his fiftieth year, yet he maintained he had participated in
+the principal theatrical productions of a generation previous, with the
+most reckless disregard of probabilities. He seemed to have no
+appreciable estimate of time or place when relating his marvelous
+experiences.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sirree," said Smith, "I can call the turn on that trick. Why, the
+thing is as fresh in my mind as if it only happened last night. Maybe
+you don't believe me. Well, every man is entitled to his own belief, but
+let me explain how I remember it so well."</p>
+
+<p>"Fire away! We're all attention."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it happened in this way. I was engaged in the old National
+Theatre in Chatham Street at the time when the 'Cataract' was brought
+out, and it made old man Purdy, the manager, so hoppin' mad to think
+that his Bowery rival should get the bulge on him with a scene like the
+waterfall that he determined to see Hamblin and go him one better. Now
+what do you think he did?"</p>
+
+<p>"Put on the piece with two cataracts," innocently suggested Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"No, he didn't put on no two cataracts either," replied Smith, somewhat
+indignantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, be good enough to let us know how he got square."</p>
+
+<p>"He went to work and announced the production of 'Ali Baba and the Forty
+Thieves,' with forty real thieves in the cast. How was that for
+enterprise, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Great! Were you in the cast?" inquired the low comedy gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"Nit! I wasn't of age then. You can't be legally a criminal under age.
+Don't you know there's a society for the protection of crime?"</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me. No reflection, I assure you. I did not intend to be
+personal. I was merely trying to find out how the old man filled out his
+cast."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my boy," replied Smith patronizingly, "think it over a minute,
+and you will realize that the morals of the old days were in no respect
+different from those in which we now live. Thieves, then as now, were a
+drug in the market, and the City Hall stood precisely where it stands
+to-day. Thieves in those times frequently masqueraded as grafters."</p>
+
+<p>"Smith," said Handy, "you take the cake," removing the briarwood from
+his mouth to knock the ashes from the bowl preparatory to loading up for
+a fresh pull at the weed.</p>
+
+<p>It was in this harmless manner the afternoon was allowed to slip by in
+the exchange of yarns. Many strange and comical experiences were related
+by the happy-go-lucky little group.</p>
+
+<p>The shades of evening began to fall before there was any perceptible
+lull in the gossip. The past was being rehearsed and made food for the
+present. How often do we not recognize that men live over again their
+past in recalling their experiences in the dead years that have passed
+away for ever! How fondly do they revive old memories, though many of
+them perhaps were associated with pain and sorrow! The poor players
+lived their lives over again in the stories they exchanged on the deck
+of the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> as she lay at anchor off Newport that peaceful
+Sunday evening.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>"Every one shall offer according to what he hath."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Deut.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>All hands, at Handy's request, turned in early, as he was determined to
+make an early start down the Sound. He had not yet decided where his
+next stand should be. The selection lay between Stonington and New
+London. If fortune continued to favor him he felt confident of
+accomplishing something worth seeking for in either place. There were
+certain reasons, however, why one of them should be steered clear of;
+but Handy's memory as to names was somewhat vague, so he resolved to
+sleep on the thought before he determined on his course.</p>
+
+<p>Handy was the first man up and stirring next morning. The others,
+however, were not far behind. The wind was favorable and the indications
+were all that a sailor could wish for. After a hearty breakfast the
+anchor was weighed and the <i>Gem</i> was once more under way, with all sails
+set. The Little 'Un was somewhat timorous and apprehensive of a
+repetition of the trouble that overcame him the night before they played
+the Long Island town on the circus man's paper, but he appeared to be
+satisfied by Handy's assurance that it never stormed on the Sound in the
+daylight. His looks indicated that he had doubts as to the truth of the
+assurance.</p>
+
+<p>The run down the Sound was uneventful. There was no one sick on board,
+and all were in a cheerful mood when they came to anchor in the Thames
+River, off New London, the town in which Handy finally determined next
+to try his fortune. The company had been out at this time nearly two
+weeks. Though all its members were strong and hearty, their sunburnt
+looks and somewhat dilapidated apparel did not contribute to the
+elegance of their personal appearance. Most of them looked like
+well-seasoned tramps. Handy recognized this. He also knew that though
+the Nutmeg State was at that time regarded as a paradise of tramps, the
+inhabitants did not, as a rule, take kindly to the knights of the road.
+This may be uncharitable and unchristianlike, but people have got to
+accept the situation as they find it.</p>
+
+<p>No one went ashore until after nightfall. Then Handy and Smith made a
+landing in the small boat, and surveyed the situation. An available
+vacant lot was picked out. Ascertaining there was to be an agricultural
+fair there the following Thursday, that night was selected for the
+Strollers' next effort. On the prospectors' return to the vessel a
+council of war was held, at which the plan of operations and course of
+action were freely discussed.</p>
+
+<p>"It won't do," said Handy, "to try them on 'Uncle Tom,' and I hardly
+think they'd stand for 'Humpty Dumpty' as we give it. I've been here in
+the good old summer days before many a time and oft, and I am conversant
+with the kind of audience we've got to stack up against. On mature
+reflection, I have come to the conclusion that a variety or vaudeville
+entertainment this trip will be most likely to appeal to their
+sensibilities. Song and dance, imitations of celebrated histrionic
+celebrities, coon acts, legerdemain exhibitions, the famous Indian box
+trick, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Easy there," interrupted the dwarf. "Who's goin' to do the box trick?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you, of course," replied Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Not on your life. Count me out on that stunt, Mister Manager. New
+London is a seaport town. There are vessels in port and sailors on
+shore. My Newport experience has taught me a lesson. The sailor men
+there tied me up so darned tight that you'll never get me to undertake
+any such job as that again within a hundred miles of seawater."</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No buts about it. I know when I've had enough. Skip me."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I'll do the act myself," retorted Handy, with a slight exhibition
+of feeling.</p>
+
+<p>"K'rect, old man. You're welcome to the stunt. I pass every time when
+there's any rope-tying business in a seawater town."</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, you can give them a banjo solo, do a clog dance, and afterwards
+wrestle with your celebrated imitations you know so well, and do so
+badly, of John Drew, Dave Warfield, Nat Goodwin, Sarah Bernhardt, and
+Sir Henry Irving."</p>
+
+<p>"But I never saw Irving or Bernhardt," interposed Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Neither did the audience. What's the matter with you? And for a wind-up
+you can give them a stump speech, and I'll bill you as Lew Dockstader,
+second. We have got to make up our programme, please remember. If you
+don't want to take a shy at Dockstader, name someone else equally
+prominent. It's all the same to me. When I do that Indian box trick I
+propose to bill myself as Hermann XI. Darn it, man, we have to have
+names! This company, bear in mind, is made up of an all-star cast."</p>
+
+<p>"All right then, say no more," said Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Say," continued Handy, addressing the ambitious young man of the
+troupe, "don't you think you could manage to take off Billy Crane? And
+give them some exhibitions of his genius in scenes from his many-sided
+repertory, and we'll star you on the bills."</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," replied the comparatively juvenile and promising artist,
+"but might I inquire who is going to look after my wife and the kid if
+that New London congregation should tumble to the joke? No, sir. Mr.
+Crane, permit me to inform you, is a fearless and experienced yachtsman;
+every hair in his head, nautically speaking, is a rope yarn. He is, as
+well, a good actor, and New London is a yachting port. Not on your life!
+Billy Crane is too well known here, so in justice to my physical welfare
+I must decline the honor of being so presented."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gentlemen," returned Handy somewhat dejectedly, "these
+unseasonable, frivolous, and unbusinesslike objections are really
+disheartening and unworthy of a conscientious member of the histrionic
+calling. Let me tell you that you are the first actor I ever heard of
+ever having declined the distinction of being elevated to the position
+of a star. In the words of the immortal bard, 'Can such things be and
+overcome us like a summer's dream without our special wonder?' Go to.
+Were it not that my hair is red and I have no suitable wig&mdash;and what
+would Sweet William be without a wig?&mdash;I'd do Crane myself."</p>
+
+<p>After further discussion on minor details the programme was arranged for
+Thursday night. The next day posters were in evidence all through the
+town. The fair grounds were literally strewn with handbills. Handy was a
+great believer in printer's ink, and he used his paper with a lavish
+hand. The show was announced for two nights&mdash;Thursday and Saturday. The
+variety entertainment was billed for Thursday night, and "Pinafore,"
+with an all-star cast, was promised for Saturday evening. The company
+had no knowledge about the "Pinafore" scheme. When Handy was questioned
+about it, he satisfied his questioners with the assurance that it was
+all right, and he would explain matters later on. His assurance was
+sufficient. The company knew their man.</p>
+
+<p>Wednesday night the tent was put up. That day Handy succeeded, for a
+consideration, in inducing the country band that played during the day
+at the fair to perform a like office for his show at night, and do the
+duty of an orchestra for the performance.</p>
+
+<p>The afternoon of the day of the show an unexpected storm loomed up,
+which threatened the enterprise with destruction. It seems that Handy
+had visited New London before with a somewhat similar venture, and had
+been compelled by financial circumstances which he was unable to control
+to depart the town in a hurry, leaving behind him an unpaid printer's
+bill. Now a slight omission of that character very easily escaped
+Handy's memory. The printer, on the contrary, being a thoughtful man, on
+finding that Handy was the manager of the new all-star theatrical
+outfit, made his appearance with the sheriff and a writ of attachment.
+For a time the aspect of affairs was anything but cheering. The printer
+was as mad as the traditional hatter. Fortunately the sheriff, who was
+an old Bowery man in days past, and a pretty decent and sympathetic kind
+of a fellow, discovered in Handy an old acquaintance, and magnanimously
+came to the rescue and volunteered to help him out of his difficulties.
+The kind-hearted official guaranteed the payment of the printer's bill,
+to be taken out of the first receipts that came in at the box office.
+This arrangement being mutually agreed upon, the preliminary work
+progressed actively.</p>
+
+<p>The night brought a crowd, composed mainly of the country people who had
+attended the fair. It was the biggest, best natured, and most easily
+entertained audience a theatrical company ever played to. There were
+more bucolic auditors gathered together in the tent than the troupe had
+seen previously. Handy had the country band well in hand. He made them
+play down the main street and parade up to the tent. Then he got them
+inside and astonished his auditors with such a liberal manifestation of
+music that those present could not well decide whether they had come to
+listen to a concert or have an opportunity to see the real "theayter"
+actors. Handy evidently was determined to furnish them with music
+sufficient to last them until the next Fair day. The band played so long
+that the town element among the audience became somewhat unwelcomely
+demonstrative.</p>
+
+<p>The curtain at last arose, and the variety portion of the entertainment
+began. The tent was well filled,&mdash;the front rows of seats being
+unpleasantly near the stage. The minstrel act in the first part was
+something unique and original. The country people took it seriously, but
+the town contingent, recognizing the fake element, started in to indulge
+in guying the performers. This incensed the countrymen. They had paid
+their good money to see the show without being subjected to annoyance
+from the town fellows. One particularly strenuous young New London dude
+had his derby smashed by an excited rustic who determined that his
+Phoebe Ann should enjoy the entertainment even if he himself had to make
+peace by teaching the city chap the way to behave himself and keep
+quiet. He evidently meant business and apparently had many friends who
+were not only ready, but willing, to assist him.</p>
+
+<p>All the acts were short&mdash;very short&mdash;and between each of the acts there
+was more music by the band. At length the performance was brought to a
+close. Before the curtain fell Handy came forward, and, after thanking
+the audience heartily for the magnificent attendance and generous
+support, announced that on Saturday evening he would have great pleasure
+in presenting, providing negotiations in contemplation were perfected,
+for their consideration, the melodious and tuneful grand comic opera,
+"Pinafore," in the presentation of which the company would be reinforced
+by several valuable additions, who were expected to arrive early on
+Saturday from the Metropolitan Grand Opera House.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Scott&mdash;'Pinafore!' You don't mean to say," asked a friend a short
+time after hearing of Handy's moving adventures by land and water, "you
+had the nerve to attempt 'Pinafore' with your small band of strolling
+players, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Play 'Pinafore'!" replied the irrepressible Handy, with a smile. "Of
+course, not. Never intended to. You see this was the situation; and the
+man who isn't equal to the position in which he places himself is bound
+to come out at the wrong side of the account book, when he is compelled
+to settle up. The 'Pinafore' announcement was for the edification of the
+New Londoners. I recognized the fact that the country people in their
+innocence and goodness of heart would take kindly to the entertainment
+we had prepared for them, but for the town chaps it was an altogether
+different proposition. When I announced 'Pinafore' I felt satisfied they
+would defer their energies and lay low for the 'Merry, Merry Maiden and
+the Tar,' determining to have a little fun of their own kind with us on
+Saturday; but after the performance we struck tent and by early morning
+we were once more out on the Sound for fresh fields and pastures new."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX</h2>
+
+<h3>"One man in his time plays many parts."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">As You Like It.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>If the "boys" of New London looked forward to having a good old summer
+time with Handy and his all-star company the following Saturday evening,
+they were wofully out in their reckoning. Though "Pinafore" was
+announced with due managerial formality, perhaps somewhat ambiguous, for
+that particular occasion, when the time for presentation arrived there
+was not a vestige of either tent or performers. After the entertainment
+on the night of the fair the company went aboard the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>.
+Handy alone remained ashore. As he had been manager, advance and press
+agent, and principal performer, he concluded to add another to his many
+responsibilities and become night watchman. The tent, stage properties,
+etc., had to be guarded, and he undertook the duties of guardian.</p>
+
+<p>"Let no one turn in until I get aboard," said he to Smith, "and you row
+ashore in an hour's time. Mind, don't be later than that, and you
+needn't get here sooner. Tell the boys I have some work for them to do
+before they lay down to rest. Take a bite and a sup and join me here in
+an hour."</p>
+
+<p>The two men parted; one with his companions for the boat at the end of
+the pier and the other to play the part of watchman over his outfit. A
+few of the town chaps lingered in the neighborhood of the tent.</p>
+
+<p>In the country, as in the city, it is remarkable what a fascinating
+influence players exercise over young fellows who are ambitious to be
+regarded as the knowing ones regarding everything appertaining to the
+playhouse. How glibly the beardlings of the twenties or thereabouts will
+use the names of actors with whom perhaps they have never exchanged a
+word, in the silly belief they are raising themselves in the estimation
+of their auditors. It is an odd conceit, yet it prevails with the
+would-be fast young men of the present day. To hear some of these
+mollycoddles prate one who was not acquainted with their weaknesses
+would imagine these chaps were on intimate terms with players&mdash;who, as a
+rule, are slow to cultivate new acquaintances, attend strictly to their
+own business, and do not particularly relish that particular class of
+hanger-on. No man knew this type better than Handy. However, he never
+antagonized them. That he considered would not be wise policy. He
+good-naturedly humored them with much superficial gossip that really
+meant nothing. His good nature never forsook him, and he always had his
+temper well under control. He knew to a nicety the side his bread was
+buttered on. That happy-go-lucky disposition of his stood him in good
+stead many a time, and his free-and-easy manner of drawing people out
+frequently served as an aid to determine his future course of action.
+The limited exchange of conversation he had with the loungers satisfied
+him that he was right in his estimate that there would be a hot time in
+the old town on Saturday night if he remained. Finally the last dallier
+had his say, and, after an exchange of cordial good nights, departed.</p>
+
+<p>Smith was at this time about due, and as he was noted for his
+promptitude, he was on hand to keep his date when the hour expired.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the lay now, Handy, old man?" inquired Smith, as he joined his
+manager.</p>
+
+<p>"Only this, and nothing more," replied the veteran melodramatically.
+"There's blood upon the face of the moon, an' blow my buttons, if your
+Uncle Rube is going to supply the gore. See!"</p>
+
+<p>The answer was not altogether satisfactory, and Smith apparently was
+unable to grapple with the problem. It puzzled him; but then Handy
+himself was at all times more or less of a conundrum to him.</p>
+
+<p>"Now then, bear a hand, send the boat back and get the company ashore as
+speedily as possible. We have a few good hours' work on hand before we
+turn in."</p>
+
+<p>Smith made quick time, and it was not long before the members of the
+all-star combination began to materialize out of the obscurity of the
+night as noiselessly as shadows.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, boys," began Handy, in a low tone of voice confidentially, "we
+move to-night, and I want you to strike tent, pack and get everything
+aboard without delay. I'll explain all later on."</p>
+
+<p>"Move to-night!" repeated Smith. "Don't we play here Saturday night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nary a play," responded the manager.</p>
+
+<p>"But you announced 'Pinafore' from the stage!"</p>
+
+<p>"Of that fact I am well aware," replied Handy, "but don't you know that
+'Pinafore' is an opera, and let me further inform you that
+disappointments in opera are quite the regular thing. In fact, an
+impresario cannot get along legitimately, my boy, in grand opera or in
+fact any old kind of opera, without disappointments every now and then.
+The public expect operatic disappointments. They come naturally, and
+sometimes come as a godsend. You never can tell when a particular opera
+is announced what you are going to get."</p>
+
+<p>"Then why don't you substitute something in place of 'Pinafore?'" meekly
+suggested the Little 'Un.</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon me, my unthinking friend, but you lose sight of the fact that
+substitutions are always unsatisfactory, if not positively dangerous.
+Besides, they are strong evidences of weakness. We are nothing if not
+strong and resourceful. Suppose I substituted 'Faust,' for instance, and
+announced it with Melba as <i>Marguerite</i>, and suppose again that the
+famous Astralasian prima donna caught an attack of the American grip
+that same afternoon, it would hardly do to substitute Marie Cahill or
+May Irwin to take her place, that is, provided we could have induced
+either of those distinguished artists to become the great diva's
+substitute. Oh, no! 'Tis out of the question. But, come, get a move on
+you. Let us be just to a public that has treated us well."</p>
+
+<p>The members of Handy's company were under good discipline. They were
+satisfied that he had valid reasons for this sudden change of base, and
+therefore, went cheerfully to work. Handy himself started for the
+water-side, and after a brief absence was once more among them, doing
+the work of two men and encouraging his companions by energetic action
+and example. Their task was accomplished without the aid of light save
+that which was afforded them by the bright stars overhead. It was an
+hour before dawn when everything was placed on board and the tired
+strollers had gone below to court the rest and repose they both longed
+for and needed.</p>
+
+<p>"Let her swing out in the stream away from the dock, captain," ordered
+Handy, when they were ready to start. "The tide is nearly flood and we
+can drop down the river with the first of the ebb. We can get outside
+early and then determine where next we'll make for."</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, aye, sir," replied the skipper.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X</h2>
+
+<h3>"Originality is nothing more than judicious imitation."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Voltaire.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>Next morning when the company appeared they were not a little surprised
+to find themselves far out to sea. The day was bright and all hands were
+in a cheerful mood. The first question asked of the energetic manager
+was "Where next?" He turned toward the inquirer and replied he never
+discussed business on an empty stomach when he had the opportunity of
+doing so on a full one.</p>
+
+<p>"Lay her course south by east, cap," was his brief order to the sailing
+master. "Rather fancy we'll run in somewhere near Oyster Bay&mdash;where,
+I'll tell you later on."</p>
+
+<p>When breakfast was served ample justice was done to the repast. Here, be
+it said, the company lived well. The best the market afforded was not
+too good for them. Handy was as capable a judge of a beefsteak as any
+man on the boards, and he bought the best. His companions knew it, and
+were willing at all times to go with a commission to the shop.</p>
+
+<p>"Were you ever in the market, governor?" inquired the Little 'Un at the
+close of the meal.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir. I have frequently been in the market," was the prompt reply,
+"but like many other willing and anxious individuals somehow or other,
+no one ever reached my price."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I didn't mean that, old man. I simply meant were you ever employed
+in a meat market, for that was as nice a piece of steak as I ever
+tackled, it was so tender and juicy. Unless a fellow was a judge he
+never could have picked out such a choice cut."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I did not quite comprehend you! I now catch on. Well, you all, of
+course, know that I served in the army and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I told you," whispered Smith, in a humorous aside, "he was a butcher."</p>
+
+<p>"And, as I was about to remark, I had much experience in the
+commissariat depart&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Say," interposed the Little 'Un, who had frequently been an unwilling
+and tired listener to very many of Handy's well-worn war stories, "are
+you agoing to ring in a war story on us, old pard?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I was merely about to explain that in keeping with my army
+experience that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Nuff sed," remarked the dwarf, rising from his seat. "Good morning!"</p>
+
+<p>"Some other morning" echoed Smith, and he too rose from his seat.</p>
+
+<p>"Me, too. Ta ta! Tra la la!" lilted the light comedy man, as he pushed
+his empty plate to one side, and one by one the remainder of the
+Pleiades rose in solemn silence before Handy had time to realize that
+his war stories were away below par among the members of his company.</p>
+
+<p>Handy remained alone for some time below, probably turning over in his
+mind the problem of the next venture, and then went on deck. He found
+his companions taking things easy in free and easy positions aft. It was
+a forenoon to satisfy every desire of those who love the open air. The
+wind was light&mdash;a nice sailing breeze&mdash;and the sun was not too warm. Few
+words were spoken, save inconsequent remarks now and then on some
+passing sail. The monotony of the situation was finally broken by the
+manager, as he proceeded to unburden himself of his intentions for the
+next entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>"Our next move will be to play Saturday night, that is, to-morrow, in
+one of these little towns near by on the Long Island shore, and with
+that performance bring our tour to a close, return to the city, get a
+few more good people and lay out a new route. We have done fairly well,
+all things considered, on this trip, and we can afford to strengthen our
+organization and give the public something better, if not stronger. The
+pieces we have been presenting are rather ancient,&mdash;almost too
+classic,&mdash;though I must admit we offered them in a somewhat original
+manner. We must, however, keep pace with the times&mdash;be up to date. The
+simple life is all very fine in books, but, my friends, 'tis the
+strenuous life that produces the stuff. Excuse slang, but it is much
+employed nowadays, and vigorous emphasis is used even by the most
+refined. If we don't get new attractions I am afraid we may have to
+resort to giving away souvenirs. Souvenirs have, in their day, had all
+the potency of a bargain counter in a popular department store well
+advertised. Personally, I do not take kindly to the souvenir business.
+It isn't professional."</p>
+
+<p>"That's all right," conceded Smith, "but an old piece frequently becomes
+new when you subject it to unique treatment. Now, for example, I don't
+think anyone has any kick coming at the original manner in which we gave
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin' and 'Humpty Dumpty.' No one ever saw them so
+presented before. Of course, if we had one of these modern Shakespeares,
+that the commercial managers keep on tap, we could have a piece written
+for us while we were under way to the next night stand. But that's out
+of the question. I would like, in common with the rest of the push, to
+know what is going to be our next offering."</p>
+
+<p>"Let me see. Just a moment's pause," replied Handy thoughtfully. "We
+might do a bit of a tragedy if we had the props, but we haven't got
+them. Besides, the trouble with most tragedies, as a rule, is the long
+cast, and in addition they do not give a compact all-star organization
+such as ours a chance to show what we really can do. We gave them our
+version of <i>Uncle Tom</i> nearly two weeks ago; and outside of Brooklyn, I
+conscientiously believe that once a year is often enough for the
+remainder of Long Island. On mature consideration, therefore, I have
+come to the conclusion that our best offering would be a minstrel grand
+opera concert entertainment. We have made an impression in that
+direction, and I am in favor of that which will sustain the reputation
+we have so admirably earned."</p>
+
+<p>"Who's going to sing the solos, old man?" asked the Little 'Un. "You
+know, boss, the boys ain't much on the sing. They can work along all
+right with a good strong chorus when they once get started and warmed
+up, but when it comes down to the fine single throat work I am afraid
+we'll get in the soup."</p>
+
+<p>"He's dead right," put in Smith, "the single singing&mdash;solos, I believe
+they call them&mdash;in the first part will be a hard nut to crack. We can't
+give a minstrel show without a first part. They'd never believe we were
+operatic minstrels without it, even if we didn't black up."</p>
+
+<p>"Hold! Enough!" cried Handy, in his favorite Macbeth voice. "You make me
+a bit tired with this kind of baby talk. Haven't you fellows got common
+sense enough to know that it is not absolutely necessary to have a voice
+to be a singer? Suppose a singer once had a voice and lost it, would
+that be a good and sufficient reason for him or her to get out of the
+business? How many of them do it, eh? It is just the same with the
+singing trade as it is in our overcrowded profession. How many of the
+so-called actors that inundate the stage quit the boards when they
+know&mdash;if they know anything&mdash;they have no talent for it. You fellows
+give me a pain. Voices and singing! Pshaw! I'll fix all that! I'll give
+a couple of you good high-sounding Eyetalian names, and I'll announce
+you as hailing from the Royal Imperial Conservatory of Stockholm, and
+I'd like to see the Long Island jay that will say you couldn't sing,
+even if you had as little music in your voice as the acrobatic star of a
+comic opera company."</p>
+
+<p>"And now will you be good?" playfully chirruped in Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Nibsy, you will have to tackle a solo; and as you are to be
+announced as a foreigner, you must treat your audience to something
+different from anything they have heard before. As you will sing it, of
+course, none of those present, with, possibly, the exceptions of a few,
+will undertake to understand what you are driving at. A few will pretend
+they do&mdash;there are know-alls in every audience; the majority will take
+their cue from them, and that will settle the matter."</p>
+
+<p>"I tumble. But might I ask if you have any choice in the operatic
+selection."</p>
+
+<p>"No; none in particular, only that you must avoid any of the very
+familiar airs from 'Faust,' 'Trovatore,' or 'Lohengrin.' These great
+works have been so hackneyed by frequent repetitions at the Metropolitan
+Opera House and Hammerstein's, and Sunday sacred concerts, that they
+have been worn threadbare and become as commonplace as 'Mr. Dooley' or
+'Harrigan.' Now let me think. Ah, yes! Have you heard that comparatively
+new opera by Punch and Ella called 'Golcondo?'"</p>
+
+<p>"Search me. No."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, I don't think the audience have either," replied Handy, "so
+your first solo will be from that delightful composition!"</p>
+
+<p>"And for the encore, what?"</p>
+
+<p>"The last part over again, if you can remember it, and we'll help you
+out in the chorus."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, can't you let me know the name I am going to honor? And, by the
+way, there's one thing more I wish to be enlightened on. Will it be
+necessary for me to speak with a foreign accent before the show, in case
+I come across any of the inhabitants of the town before I go on?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no! That is not absolutely necessary. Don't you know that many of
+the Eyetalian opera singers in these days are Irish, some are English, a
+big bunch are Dutch, Poles or Scandinavians, and quite a sprinkling of
+them Americans. No, it isn't essential to use the accent in private. You
+will be announced as Signor Nibsinsky!"</p>
+
+<p>"Is that an Eyetalian name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Nibs, don't be so specific. Nibsinsky is as valid a name as any
+artist might select to adopt. I give it the Russian smack because of my
+Russian proclivities."</p>
+
+<p>"Say no more, old man. Let it go at that."</p>
+
+<p>"So far as the chorus is concerned, we know where we stand and what we
+can do&mdash;and the audience will before the show is over. As for jokes and
+funny business&mdash;they are easy. But, say, we ought to ring in a couple of
+instrumental solos. The banjo, of course, will do for one. It is new,
+because it is very old. So that's all right. For the other&mdash;now, let me
+think. By Jove, I've struck it! Little 'Un, you can do a violin solo in
+great shape."</p>
+
+<p>"What! Me do a violin solo," answered the dwarf. "Why, you know very
+well I can only play a little bit, and only in an amateur way. Oh, no!
+Oh, no! Not this trip."</p>
+
+<p>"Easy there, my festive fiddler. Easy there, and loan me your ear. I'll
+arrange that all right. You will be announced as a pupil of the great
+Ysaye, and of course, being a pupil of that wonderful magician of the
+violin, you must start in with a classical selection from one of those
+old masters. Which of them there's no use wasting time over. They won't
+be recognized. Then when it comes for you to get in your classic work,
+all you've got to do is to play as crazy as you can, bend your body, hug
+your fiddle, make your bow saw wood over the strings, look at times as
+if you were going into a trance or a fit, do any blame thing that may
+appear eccentric&mdash;for that, you know, is one of the characteristics of
+genius and originality&mdash;and you'll catch the crowd every time."</p>
+
+<p>"But, say, Handy, what about the wig?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's all serene. We've got it. You don't for a moment imagine I
+would have you go on as a star fiddler without a bushy head of hair! Not
+much. As the poet sings&mdash;'There's music in the hair.'"</p>
+
+<p>"That settles it. My mind is easier now."</p>
+
+<p>"But that's not all. When you get through with your classical gymnastics
+on the instrument, I will come down to the front and announce that you
+will kindly give an imitation of an amateur player wrestling with 'Home,
+Sweet Home.' There will be your great opportunity. The worse you play it
+the more successful you will be, for, don't you see, you will be closer
+to nature. I think that will be a great stunt. Don't you, boys?"</p>
+
+<p>They all thought it would be immense; at least, so they said. The Little
+'Un himself fairly chuckled with glee at the prospects of being an
+amateur virtuoso of the fiddle, even for one night only. The remainder
+of the programme was quickly made up. One or two brief sketches and a
+rather rough and tumble arrangement for the close, which the
+enterprising managers designated as "The Strollers' Melange," completed
+the night's entertainment.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XI" id="CHAPTER_XI"></a>CHAPTER XI</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"All places that the eye of Heaven visits</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Are to the wise man ports and happy havens."</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Richard II.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>By midday the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>, aided by a favoring wind, made good
+time and Handy determined to run in to a convenient little cove near
+Oyster Bay. He knew the locality and felt satisfied that if he had his
+usual share of luck he could make good and therefore add something to
+the company's treasury. By one o'clock the anchor was dropped and he and
+Smith made a landing and both started to do the usual prospecting. They
+were successful beyond their expectations. The little town which they
+proposed to honor with a visit was not far from the water. A small grove
+and a hill shut it out from a view of the Sound. The main road ran down
+to a narrow inlet which served as a kind of harbor for fishing boats,
+oyster sloops and clammers. Handy's well-trained eye lighted on an
+eligible site for the tent. It was a nice level plot with a fence about
+it. A good-natured Irishman named McGuiness owned the property, and
+Handy lost no time in opening negotiations and getting on his right
+side.</p>
+
+<p>"An' yez want the use of the lot for a concert minstrel entertainment?"
+inquired the proprietor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied Handy, "and for to-morrow night."</p>
+
+<p>"An' yez are going to give the show under the cover of a tint?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's about the size of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Have yez got the tint?"</p>
+
+<p>"We have, and the show that goes with it, and what's more, after you
+have witnessed the performance you'll say it is the best that ever
+struck the town. Moreover, I want you to bring your whole family with
+you and have seats in the first row for all of them."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said McGuiness, "I don't mind lettin' yez have the use of the
+lot, an' I'll do all I kin, in a quiet way, to help yez along, but
+there's one thing I want to be afther tellin' yez, an' it is this, that
+I'm thinkin' there will be the divil to pay whin Mr. Dandelion finds out
+there's going to be a minstrel entertainment here."</p>
+
+<p>"How's that?" inquired Handy, "and who is Mr. Dandelion?"</p>
+
+<p>"He's a very dacint kind of man, as min run at present," replied
+McGuiness, "even if he is a Methodist preacher, but he hates showmin
+like snakes. He don't seem to want the young people to have any fun or
+amusement at all, at all, shure. That's why I'm afraid he will raise
+ould Harry when he finds yez here. An' then again, don't yez see,
+there's a fair goin' on in his church, an' to-morrow is to be the big
+day, and iv yez are goin' to have your show to-morrow night, don't yez
+see he may think you would draw off some of his customers? Well, I don't
+go to his church, God help me, so yez kin have the use of the ground.
+But looka heer. Whisper, if it's all the same to you, don't put up the
+tint till after nightfall. I'll see yez again. I'm goin' home now," and
+Mr. McGuiness walked slowly up the road.</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, me boy," spoke Handy, as soon as Mr. McGuiness was out of
+hearing, "we have struck a bonanza. Are we in it? Well, this is the best
+ever! Say, old fellow, when that sky-pilot casts his eyes on that tent
+of ours to-morrow morning there will be something doing about these
+diggins, and don't you forget it. Why, the amount of advertising he will
+give the show will do us more service than if we planted twenty acres of
+posters all over the fences that adorn the smiling landscape of this
+peaceful and prosperous community. Let us go aboard at once. The main
+biz is done. It's a dead sure cinch, Horatio."</p>
+
+<p>No move was made on board until ten o'clock. The place was then as still
+as a country church-yard, and scarcely a light was to be seen in any of
+the houses when Handy and his company took possession of the lot and
+began the preliminaries for the following day's operations.</p>
+
+<p>A few hours of energetic work and the tent was set up, and later on the
+stage properties, costumes and musical instruments were all safely
+lodged under the cover of the canvas. Two of the organization remained
+on guard and the others returned to the <i>Gem</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The unexpected appearance of the tent next morning took the inhabitants
+completely by surprise. No one could tell how it got there. Like a
+mushroom it came up overnight. The farm-hands on their way to work
+halted to look it over; the oystermen and clammers on the way to their
+boats loitered near the spot to inspect it, and by nine o'clock most of
+the boys and girls within a mile of the place spread the news broadcast
+that there was an actors' show in town. About ten o'clock the news had
+reached the dominie, and half an hour later he was in consultation with
+the leading lights of his congregation. The consensus of views induced
+them to call upon Mr. McGuiness. The tent was on his property, and he,
+they concluded, when appealed to would no doubt order the trespassers
+off. They considered it an abomination, from their standpoint, for him
+to permit show-actors to offer an entertainment, and more especially on
+the last day of the church fair, when a numerous gathering was expected.
+A committee was accordingly appointed to wait on Mr. McGuiness, but
+unfortunately that gentleman was nowhere to be found.</p>
+
+<p>At two o'clock in the afternoon Handy gave a free concert in front of
+the tent. The audience, it is needless to say, was not a critical one
+and was easily pleased. When it was over and the energetic manager
+announced a display of fireworks in the evening, both before and after
+the performance, there wasn't a youngster within the sound of his voice
+who did not spread the cheering information far and wide. Those who came
+to attend the fair in the little church performed that duty early in the
+afternoon and afterward arranged to visit the tent show of the actors
+later on in the evening. The display of fireworks was not what one might
+expect to witness at Manhattan Beach in the height of the season, when
+that popular resort was swept by ocean breezes and when the renowned
+Pain was there, but there was sufficient red fire burned to light up the
+surrounding country. There was a crowd outside and when the doors were
+opened there was a rush for seats.</p>
+
+<p>The house or tent was filled in a short time, and the audience was
+treated to a polyglot entertainment of the most remarkable character.
+Nibsinsky's Eyetalian selections were listened to with some degree of
+attention and a considerable measure of perplexity. He could not be
+considered a success and no inducements could compel him to repeat the
+performance. But these things will occasionally happen even with some of
+the latest edition of stars! Ysaye's musical prodigy made some
+extraordinary exhibitions with his classical contortions, but his
+imitations of an amateur violinist with "Home, Sweet Home" won the
+approval of all present and brought down the house. It was voted the
+best thing of the whole show. The familiar choruses too pleased the
+young folks, so much so that they all joined in and had a jolly time.
+The grown people laughed heartily over all the threadbare jokes that
+were given, and which have been passing current in every minstrel show
+and country circus from the days of Dan Rice down to Lew Dockstader.</p>
+
+<p>"It was, I have an idea, the worst show we ever gave," declared Handy a
+few days after while speaking of it, "but the people seemed to like it.
+Just as it is in New York, it is a difficult matter to strike public
+taste. That's what makes the manager's life like unto that of a
+policeman's&mdash;not a happy one. The people who paid to see the show made
+no complaint, and I don't think that I should."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think the dominie's opposition hurt your entertainment much?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hurt it! Not in the slightest. On the contrary, I believe it benefited
+it. His opposition advertised the entertainment, and, by the way,
+advertising is another of these vexed problems most difficult of
+solution. I felt I owed his reverence something for what he
+unintentionally accomplished in our behalf, so how do you think I got
+square with him?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's too much for me, old chap," answered his friend. "How?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the next day was Sunday, and before we got away I called on Mr.
+McGuiness, to return him thanks for the way he treated us. 'Mr.
+McGuiness,' said I, 'you have been kind and generous to my little
+company of players, who are doing their best to make an honest living in
+their own peculiar way. I now come again to you to ask that you do me
+one more favor.' 'What is it?' said he. 'It is this,' said I. 'Will you
+accompany me to call on the dominie? He helped me with his opposition
+last night, and I want to get square with him if I can.' McGuiness
+hesitated. 'Oh, don't fear,' I assured him. 'I mean no harm. The fair at
+the little church, I learned, was to swell the fund that's being raised
+to help the widow and orphan. I want you to go with me to ask the
+dominie to accept the offering of a few poor strolling players to
+increase the fund.' McGuiness thrust his hand toward me, but said
+nothing. I could see he was affected, for there was a watery look in his
+eyes. We walked together in silence down the road until we reached the
+little church."</p>
+
+<p>"And the dominie?"</p>
+
+<p>"He met us like a man. And when I explained my errand, and handed him
+our little dole, and turned as if to leave, big, good-hearted McGuiness,
+his voice somewhat affected by his feelings, said, 'Howld on a minnit; I
+don't know, dominie, what he's givin' you, and what's more I don't care,
+but you can count on me, dominie, for double the amount.'</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know when I felt so happy, as I walked down to the shore,
+between the dominie and McGuiness, for I felt we had done an act that
+men might well feel an honest pride in, while we made two men friends in
+that little village who might otherwise have remained estranged."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XII" id="CHAPTER_XII"></a>CHAPTER XII</h2>
+
+<h3>"There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
+dreamt of in your philosophy."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Hamlet.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>The sun was making a golden set behind the skyscrapers of Manhattan as
+the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> tied up to a wharf in the East River. The cruise
+was at an end. Taken as a whole, the venture had been successful. Those
+who embarked in it were once more back in sight of the great city, with
+lighter hearts and heavier pockets than when they left not quite a month
+before. All had had an agreeable time, and, what was of more importance,
+a profitable experience. Anxious ones were awaiting them. The strolling
+players, contrary to the practice of many of their guild who start out
+on similar ventures, did not return empty-handed. They had practical
+results to vouch for and explain their absence. Their endeavors had not
+resulted in all work and no pay. If they had anxious moments and at
+times hard work, they had their recompense and earned their reward, and
+there were homes in which assistance was needed. They were solicitous,
+too, to hasten to the cherished ones who were waiting to welcome them,
+for strange as it may appear to the unthinking, the poor players who
+fret and strut their brief hours upon the stage have homes&mdash;homes that
+they prize beyond aught else and which to many of them are perhaps more
+dearly prized than is the marble palace by the millionaire. No one knew
+this better than Handy. He therefore lost no time in bringing his craft
+into port.</p>
+
+<p>"We can't complain, boys," he exclaimed, "after all is said and done, of
+our undertaking. Here we are again under the lee of the big city, with
+money in our pockets and our homes close at hand. You are not sorry you
+took the chances," he continued, as the company gathered together before
+separating. "May good fortune always smile upon enterprise."</p>
+
+<p>"Amen!" responded Smith, who regarded that ejaculation as the proper
+climax to his manager's peroration.</p>
+
+<p>In half an hour the company were all ashore, each member homeward bound,
+and possibly turning over in his mind the many eventful episodes of the
+trip preparatory to relating them to those who might question them about
+the exploit. Stories of this character lose nothing by repetition.</p>
+
+<p>Handy and his fellow-craftsmen had not been home a week when their
+adventures became the talk of the town, especially among the theatrical
+fraternity. As usual in somewhat similar cases, every impecunious player
+became desirous of immediately starting out upon the uncertain sea of
+theatricals. They reasoned that if a man like Handy could succeed, why
+could not they also turn the trick? Could they not even improve on his
+tactics? Of course they could! Were they not, they argued, better actors
+and had they not more experience as managers? Of course they were, and
+had! Where Handy had made twenties and fifties, might not they pick up
+hundreds? Of course there could be no doubt on that score. All this kind
+of speculation in words, however, ended only in talk. Those who indulged
+in it were mere theorists&mdash;not men of action and active brain like the
+commander of the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i> expedition, who put into execution
+his plans after he had well considered them.</p>
+
+<p>When the veteran made his reappearance on the Rialto he looked as if he
+might be at peace with all mankind. He had nothing worse than a smile,
+even for his enemies. But then his enemies were few. His proverbial good
+humor and honesty of purpose disarmed the envious. The influence of
+kindly smiles and generous impulses go further in this matter-of-fact
+world than many people are willing to acknowledge. A cheerful and
+encouraging word frequently helps in the accomplishment of a task which
+without its influence might fall flat. Handy's dominant quality was his
+uniform good nature. He rarely looked on the dark side of life. He, no
+doubt, knew what it meant, but he never paraded his hardships before the
+world or bored friends or acquaintances with the hard luck of his lot.
+At times he was blue&mdash;what man at odd times is not so?&mdash;but at such
+periods he veiled his heart, face, and feelings and drew the sunshine of
+a smile between his disappointments and the outside world. With such a
+disposition success, as a rule, is but a question of time.</p>
+
+<p>When he made his first appearance among his confr&egrave;res his manner was a
+study. His face, from constant exposure in the sun, was bronzed and
+ruddy and his general get up was what his old friend Smith pronounced
+"regardless." In fact, Handy looked so well he scarcely recognized
+himself. He generally felt well, but to look the part and feel it is
+altogether a different proposition. His adventures with his all-star
+company had been so freely discussed in every haunt where actors most do
+congregate that inside of a week after the Pleiades returned the
+frequenters of the Rialto had the story by heart.</p>
+
+<p>The grand comic opera episode at Oyster Bay especially appealed to a
+number of Handy's admirers. There were several who intimated that he go
+right in for grand polyglot opera and try and get hold of the
+Metropolitan Opera House. He smiled knowingly at the suggestion, and
+furthermore gave his volunteer advisers to understand that, in his
+estimation, that institution was under the control of much more
+accomplished fakers than his ambition aimed to reach. Besides, he
+reasoned, he was not the kind of man to attempt to take the bread and
+butter away from some other fellow. "My policy," said he, "is to live
+and let live; and if you cannot get enough people with the long green,
+as they call it, to at least guarantee the rent for the sake of art,
+fashion, and display&mdash;or as the English song puts it, 'for England,
+home, and booty'&mdash;the next best thing to do is to buy, borrow, or beg a
+tent and start out and go it alone in the open."</p>
+
+<p>One evening as Handy was on his way homewards he accidentally ran across
+a friend who, as the saying goes, had seen better days, and who had at
+various times a widespread acquaintance with the ups and downs of
+theatrical life. This man's name was Fogg&mdash;Philander Fogg. In his way he
+was as much a character as Handy himself. The ways of each, though, were
+dissimilar. Fogg was what the Hon. Bardwell Slote would designate as a Q
+K (curious cuss). He on one occasion distinguished himself as an amateur
+actor, and barely escaped with his life in New Jersey for attempting to
+play <i>Othello</i> as a professional. In person he was tall, very slim, very
+bald, slightly deaf, and as fresh as a daisy. He had a general and
+miscellaneous acquaintance. His friends liked him because of his
+inability to see a joke. The consequence was they had many amusing
+experiences at Fogg's expense. The gossip of the stage he cherished and
+cultivated. This made him a favorite with a large circle of female
+acquaintances who go in for all that kind of thing. People living, as it
+were, on the fringe of society, who lay the flattering unction to their
+souls that they are living in Bohemia, and they are never so happy as
+when they are settled in the company of some pseudo-player discussing
+the drama and ventilating the small talk of the stage.</p>
+
+<p>When Handy encountered Fogg the latter appeared in a hurry. There was
+nothing new in that, however. No one who had any acquaintance with him
+knew him to be otherwise. There are such people to be met every day and
+everywhere. He was a type.</p>
+
+<p>"The very man I was looking for," was his greeting, on meeting Handy. "I
+want you to help me out. Great scheme! I'll take you in. I'm in a great
+hurry now to keep an appointment. Important, very important! Where can I
+meet you to-morrow forenoon? How have you been? Are you up in
+Beausant&mdash;no, Col Damas, I mean? Don't you do anything until you see me!
+Can you get Smith to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold! Enough!" interposed Handy. "Fogg, what do you take me for? A mind
+reader or a lightning calculator? Now, then, one thing at a time! What's
+up?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am going to have a testimonial benefit, and I want you to manage the
+stage and play a part. Do you catch on?"</p>
+
+<p>"Business," answered Handy. "Anything in it, or is it a thank-you job?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, my boy, there's a cold five hundred plunks in it. Society ladies
+on the committee. They will dispose of the tickets. One of them wants to
+act. I've promised to let her try and give her the opening. 'The Lady of
+Lyons' will be the play, and I will be the <i>Claude</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Fogg, may the Lord have mercy on the audience&mdash;as well as on
+<i>Melnotte</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, hold up, old chap. Don't be rough on a fellow. You know very well I
+have played much more difficult roles. Haven't I played <i>Hamlet</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"You have, indeed," answered Handy, "and played the devil with him,
+too."</p>
+
+<p>"This is positively rude," replied Fogg, "and only that I am aware you
+mean no real unkindness I would feel very much put out. I know you don't
+really mean it."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I don't. It was spoken in the way of fun. Now, let me know in
+what way I can help you and you can count me in. Business is business,
+old pal, and I know you will do the square thing."</p>
+
+<p>"There's my hand on it. Now I must be off. Meet me at my apartment
+to-morrow forenoon at eleven and we'll go over the details."</p>
+
+<p>"Count on me. I will be there. So long."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIII" id="CHAPTER_XIII"></a>CHAPTER XIII</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"Life is mostly froth and bubble;</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i12"><b>Two things stand like stone&mdash;</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Kindness in another's trouble</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i12"><b>Courage in your own."</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Hill.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>Next forenoon, promptly at eleven o'clock, Handy was at Fogg's house. A
+ring at the door-bell was responded to by that gentleman in person. Half
+a minute later both were settled down in Fogg's Bohemian quarters, which
+consisted of a small reception-room and still smaller bed-chamber. The
+reception-room was not luxuriously furnished, but it was by no means
+shabbily equipped. A piano stood in one corner, a writing-desk placed
+close to the window, and a well-used Morris chair were the most
+conspicuous articles of furniture. Photographs in abundance were
+scattered all around on the walls, and on a table there were enough old
+playbooks to make a respectable showing in a second-hand book store. The
+two men had not been seated more than five minutes when the bell at the
+hall door was rung, and in an instant Fogg was out of his chair and on
+his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter?" inquired Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess," replied Fogg, "that's the committee. They promised to be here
+at this hour. Excuse me for a moment," and before Handy could say
+another word Fogg was half-way down the first flight of stairs. The
+noise of the opening and closing of the street door was heard, and then
+succeeded a buzz of female voices accompanied by a patter of feet on the
+stairs. Before Handy had time to prepare to receive visitors, the door
+opened and Fogg, his face lighted up with the broadest kind of a smile,
+made his appearance, and ushered in the committee, which consisted of
+five blooming matrons who were instrumental in talking up and arranging
+for the proposed complimentary benefit. The ladies were not young; in
+fact, it was a long time since they had been. But their hearts were
+juvenile and they themselves were sympathetic and generously inclined.
+Handy was duly introduced, and then the female philanthropists and
+lovers of art commenced the business which brought them there, somewhat
+after this fashion:</p>
+
+<p>"What a unique little snuggery you have here, Mr. Fogg," began one.</p>
+
+<p>"It is so artistic, don't you know, that it is too awfully sweet for
+anything," replied another.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! there's one of the best photos I have ever seen of the divine
+Sarah. Where did you get it, Mr. Fogg?" added a third. "That one of
+Maude Adams is fair, and that of Mrs. Fiske there in the character of&mdash;I
+forget the name&mdash;does not do her justice."</p>
+
+<p>This medley of inconsequential conversation and chatter continued for
+fully half an hour without one word being spoken on the all-important
+subject they had presumably been brought together to arrange. They
+touched on everything theatrical, according to their lights, but that in
+which their friend was most interested. At length Fogg, in sheer
+desperation, broke the ice, and in a somewhat hesitating manner
+explained the way in which he had induced his friend, Mr. Handy, to be
+present at the conference and give them the benefit of his vast
+managerial experience and acknowledged histrionic ability in arranging
+the programme of the proposed complimentary testimonial. Moreover, Mr.
+Handy had postponed an important engagement in order that he might have
+the honor of managing the stage at the rehearsals as well as on the
+evening of the performance.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies were in ecstasies.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, how charmingly delightful!" ejaculated the most rubicund of the
+committee. "And so you have finally determined, Mr. Fogg, on 'The Lady
+of Lyons' for the attraction."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, ladies, I have. A determination with which I feel satisfied you
+all will concede. Revivals of well-known successful plays are rapidly
+coming into fashion, and it is well to keep up with the progress of the
+times. I might mention a number of old plays managers have in
+contemplation but as Shakespeare says&mdash;I think it was the sweet Bard of
+Avon that so expressed himself&mdash;'Sufficient for the day is the evil
+thereof.' That is why I have selected Bulwer's great romantic and poetic
+masterpiece&mdash;'The Lady of Lyons.' Besides, ladies, bear in mind it will
+afford Miss Daisy Daffodil a magnificent opportunity to appear as
+<i>Pauline</i>, a character, ladies, which has claimed the histrionic talents
+of many of the bright luminaries of the stage from the days of the
+glorious Peg Woffington to those of Leslie Carter."</p>
+
+<p>"How well, how touchingly, Mr. Fogg speaks, and what a fund of valuable
+and truthful information he has entertained us with," said Mrs.
+Doolittle, the chairman of the committee. "A better selection than 'The
+Lady of Lyons' could not have been made, and what a splendid opportunity
+it will be for dear Daisy to show off that light blue watered silk of
+hers. It is so suitable to her complexion."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear," responded the lady sitting near her, "but will it light up
+well? I am given to understand that the electric light is most trying on
+blue. Now, don't you think that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I do not, my dear. Pardon me, but I know what you were about to
+say. You were about to remark that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies," said Mr. Fogg, rising to the occasion and in a polite manner,
+"will you kindly excuse me when I venture to suggest that the matter of
+toilet is a thing you can arrange between yourselves and the fair young
+star, let us proudly hope, that is to be. But as my friend here, Mr.
+Handy, is a very busy man and his time valuable, might I suggest that we
+get down to business?"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite right, Mr. Fogg," one of the ladies answered. "Let us amuse
+ourselves with business."</p>
+
+<p>"How many will the house hold, Mr. Fogg?" inquired Mrs. Doolittle, in a
+rather authoritative manner, thoroughly in keeping with her exalted
+position as chairman.</p>
+
+<p>"About eleven hundred," said Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"Only eleven hundred!" exclaimed the stout lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Altogether too small."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly it is," continued the weighty one. "The Metropolitan Opera
+House should have been secured."</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies," interposed Handy, "excuse me for buttin' in, but business is
+business, and that's the humor of it. Let me tell you, in all frankness,
+that if you can fill the house, take my word for it, as a man of some
+experience, you will have reason to congratulate yourselves on a great
+accomplishment. Bear in mind, ladies, that benefits are benefits, and
+that the theatre-going public take little or no stock in them. Unless
+you can rely on your friends coming up to the scratch&mdash;pardon me, I mean
+box office&mdash;and before the night of the show, mind you&mdash;you stand a good
+chance of getting it, as the poet touchingly tells us&mdash;I don't know what
+poet&mdash;where the chicken got the axe. Them's my sentiments!"</p>
+
+<p>Handy's review of the situation and his matter-of-fact way of placing it
+before the committee caused some agitation. At length Mrs. Doolittle
+arose.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me assure you, Mr. Handy, we have hosts of friends, and when they
+see our names on the programme they will be sure to come. Don't you
+agree with me, ladies?"</p>
+
+<p>"It would be real mean if they didn't," volunteered the heavyweight lady
+of the committee. "But I know they will."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, ladies, you know best," replied Handy, "but my advice is
+sell all the pasteboards you can before the show, and don't depend any
+on the public the night of the show, when you intend to pull 'The Lady'
+off."</p>
+
+<p>Handy's practical admonitions and advice evidently were not appreciated
+in the spirit in which they were tendered. The ladies' stay after the
+episode was not prolonged. Mrs. Chairman Doolittle remembered she had an
+engagement in the shape of a pink tea, and must speed homeward to make a
+change of dress. The remainder of the committee considered that as their
+cue for departure, not, however, without reassuring both Messrs. Fogg
+and Handy that everything would be all right.</p>
+
+<p>Handy and Fogg were once more alone.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Fogg, "what do you think of it? A great scheme, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"What's a great scheme? I pause for a reply!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, the testimonial benefit, of course!"</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Fogg. Are you right in your head? Is your nut screwed on properly?
+Is this a joke? The ladies are all serene and mean well&mdash;but darn it,
+man! you don't mean to tell me that you believe there's five hundred in
+this snap?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, certainly I do, and more."</p>
+
+<p>"Cents."</p>
+
+<p>"No. Please be serious. Dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, let us get down to cases and figure it out. What'll be your
+expenses?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, 'way down. There's $75 for the house, dirt cheap&mdash;the ladies have a
+pull with the landlord; $65 for the orchestra; stage hands, $15;
+advertising and printing, $60; flowers, $20; costumes, $11.75; sundries,
+$10. How much is all that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me figure it up. Have you a pencil? Never mind, I have one. Well,
+that, my friend, foots up $256.75."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, that ain't much."</p>
+
+<p>"No. 'Tain't much for a Vanderbilt, but then, the Vans' ancestors put in
+some lively hustling in days of yore, and the Vans of the present day
+are now taking solid comfort and shooting folly as it flies out of the
+result of the old Commodore's hustling on land and water. An' now let me
+ask you, have you got the dough to go on with this great scheme of
+yours?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no, I haven't got the dough, as you call it, but I have the
+tickets, and the committee propose to sell them to their numerous
+friends. I tell you 'tis a dead-sure thing."</p>
+
+<p>"I notice in your expenses you allow nothing for your company."</p>
+
+<p>"The company have all volunteered. Most of them are amateurs."</p>
+
+<p>"And where does your humble servant come in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I propose to make it all right with you out of my share."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye gods on high Olympus, look down on us in compassion and smile!"
+spoke Handy in the most tragic voice of which he was capable of
+employing. "Has it come to pass that a verdant experimentalist like you,
+Fogg, could intimate to a veteran of my standing that I should take my
+chances of remuneration from the proceeds of such a quixotic scheme? Go
+to, Fogg! I love thee, but never more be officer of mine." Then laying
+aside his serio-comic manner and assuming one that more easily
+appertained to him, he continued: "Fogg, old pal, I told you that you
+could count on me to help you out, and you can. I will manage the stage,
+but skip me on the acting. If the stuff comes in, I know you'll do the
+square thing. If the receipts are shy, well and good. You'll get left as
+well as I. Get the old girls to sell all the tickets they
+can&mdash;beforehand. Mind now, beforehand. Depend on nothing from the public
+for a benefit, and as for the night sale, it won't amount to a paper of
+pins. I've been there before, old man, and I know of what I speak. Let
+me tell you&mdash;some friends of mine once upon a time got up a benefit for
+a widow. They gave a good show, had lots of fun, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"But what?" inquired Fogg anxiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing! Only they landed the poor woman fifty dollars or so in
+debt. That's all."</p>
+
+<p>"Holy Moses!" was all the response that Fogg could make; but he
+evidently was doing a great deal of thinking. In this state of mind
+Handy left him.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIV" id="CHAPTER_XIV"></a>CHAPTER XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>"Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Merchant of Venice.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>Within two weeks the preliminaries for the testimonial were arranged,
+the night appointed, and the tickets in circulation. The company, as
+intimated, was made up principally of amateurs. As they were to receive
+no remuneration for their valuable services they received about five
+tickets each free to sell or dispose of as they would among their
+friends. Through some unaccountable oversight, they neglected to
+specially mark or punch these complimentaries. This oversight led to
+serious embarrassment subsequently. The demand for tickets increased as
+the date for the performance approached, but none of the applicants
+appeared anxious to part with money in return for them.</p>
+
+<p>Strange as it may appear, there is a class of people&mdash;and a very large
+and numerous class, too, and one not confined to any particular locality
+or special grade of society&mdash;that will willingly spend double the price
+of admission for seats in one way or other for the sake of having the
+reputation of being on the free list of a theatre. This statement is not
+an exaggerated one. Had Mr. Fogg decided to manage the business details
+of his entertainment and suspended the free list, as he should have
+done, he might have fared better; but who can tell what the future has
+in store for any of us?</p>
+
+<p>It was with considerable difficulty the rent was raised, and that
+difficulty being overcome, everything looked bright to the sanguine
+Fogg, who was really a most optimistic individual, and rarely lost
+heart.</p>
+
+<p>At length the night of the great event arrived. All day Fogg had been as
+busy as a bee. He had been to see the costumer, perruquier, leader of
+orchestra, etc., and enjoined each of them to be on hand early. Handy,
+always prompt and businesslike, was on the stage at seven o'clock. A few
+minutes later Fogg himself appeared, almost exhausted with the onerous
+duties of outside management, but for all that as cheerful and as
+confident as any man of his peculiar temperament could be. One by one
+the different members of the company appeared, and by half-past seven
+there was the usual commotion and excitement behind the scenes always
+attendant on an amateur entertainment. All the members of the committee
+were on hand to encourage Mr. Fogg and congratulate him in advance on
+the prospects of a grand success. Handy, perceiving that the time for
+the rising of the curtain was approaching, crossed over to where Fogg
+was engaged in earnest conversation with Mrs. Chairman Doolittle, and
+suggested to that gentleman that it was getting near the time to ring in
+the orchestra, and that he had better go to his dressing-room and
+complete his make-up.</p>
+
+<p>"All right," said Fogg. "Please excuse me, Mrs. Doolittle. Mr. Handy, I
+will now leave charge of the stage to you. Ring in the orchestra at
+eight o'clock sharp. I'll be ready."</p>
+
+<p>"Correct," replied the stage manager. He then proceeded to take a survey
+of the front of the house through the peep-hole in the drop curtain. The
+house was filling up nicely, but, as Handy subsequently remarked, the
+audience had a peculiar look that did not recommend itself to the
+veteran's practiced eye.</p>
+
+<p>"How it is?" inquired someone at Handy's elbow. On his turning about he
+found it was his old friend Smith, of the <i>Gem of the Ocean</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello, old pal! Well, I don't know how to size it up. There's a fair
+crowd, and if it is all money it's a good house. But it doesn't look to
+me like a money house. The people in the audience appear to be too well
+acquainted. They act as if they came to a picnic."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you blame them?" replied Smith, who had a very low estimate of
+amateur actors.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess I'll ring in the spielers. Time's up." Suiting the action to
+the word, he pressed the button. A few seconds later and a German
+professor with blond hair of a musical cut approached the prompt stand.</p>
+
+<p>"Ees dot Meister Vogue somewheres about here, I don't know?" he
+inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"In his dressing-room," curtly answered Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Ees dot so? Veil, then, I am Professor Funkenstein, und mein men der
+money want before dot overture."</p>
+
+<p>"You're in a large-sized hurry, ain't you?" replied the stage manager.
+"Can't you hold on until the show is over? What's the matter with you?
+Don't you see the house we have?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mein freund, dot's all right. But mein men der money wants. Don't dink
+I'm a fool because I'm a German man. I my money wants, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Handy, why don't you ring in the orchestra?" spoke Fogg, who had
+just come from his dressing-room made-up for <i>Claude Melnotte</i>. Catching
+sight of the leader, he exclaimed: "What's the matter, Professor?"</p>
+
+<p>"The matter is, Meister Vogue, mein men der money wants before they goes
+out. Dot's vot's der matter!"</p>
+
+<p>For a moment Fogg gazed at the orchestra leader in surprise, and then
+indignantly declared: "This is simply outrageous! What do you take me
+for, sir?" Then turning to his stage manager: "Mr. Handy, have you got a
+slip of paper, in order that I may give this man an order on the box
+office? How much is your bill? Ah, yes, I remember&mdash;seventy-five
+dollars. Here, take this and go and get your money at the box office,"
+as he handed the order to the professor, who instantly made a hasty
+retreat through the nearest exit leading into the front of the house,
+Fogg disappearing at the same time in the direction of his
+dressing-room, to add the finishing touches to his make-up.</p>
+
+<p>By this time it was nearly twenty minutes past eight o'clock, and the
+audience had already begun to manifest indications of impatience.</p>
+
+<p>"Handy," whispered Smith, "I'm glad I came. If I am not greatly mistaken
+there will be a lively time here to-night. Mark what I'm telling you."</p>
+
+<p>Just then another individual approached the stage manager and inquired
+for Mr. Fogg. He introduced himself as Mr. Draper, the costumer, and he
+was anxious to see the star of the evening, to "put up," as he expressed
+himself, for the costumes before the curtain went up. At this stage of
+the proceedings Fogg, now fully dressed for the gardener's son,
+appeared. He was immediately buttonholed by the costumer for the amount
+of his bill.</p>
+
+<p>"After the performance, when we count up, my dear Mr. Draper," pleaded
+Fogg, in his most insinuating way.</p>
+
+<p>"After nothing. Now, now!" emphatically declared Draper. "What do you
+take me for? I'm no sardine. You pay now, or by chowder! you can play
+'The Lady of Lyons' in your shirt tails! You promised me the stuff in
+the afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>The audience by this time had become restless and somewhat
+demonstrative. To add to the complications, Professor Funkenstein
+reappeared in a most excited frame of mind. He had been to the box
+office, but the bill-poster had anticipated him, and had threatened to
+clean out the ranch if he didn't get his money. The treasurer, who was
+an amateur, settled immediately with the knight of the pastepot to save
+the house from destruction. After the box office man had settled with
+the bill-poster there was only $5.25 in the drawer. That was at once
+secured by the florist in part payment on account of flowers that were
+to be presented to <i>Pauline</i>. The florist had been given the tip by the
+bill-sticker, and he got the balance of the cash on hand by also
+threatening to inaugurate the cleaning-out process.</p>
+
+<p>The uproar in the front of the house increased. The stamping of feet,
+the beating of canes on the floor, and the catcalls in the gallery made
+terrific disturbance.</p>
+
+<p>"You're a sweendler, Meister Vogue!" exclaimed the excited orchestra
+leader.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll make it all right with you in the morning, sir," replied Fogg
+indignantly, "and I wouldn't have your contemptible Dutch band to play
+for me now under any circumstances. Please call the people for the first
+act, Mr. Handy. I'll show you. We'll play the piece without your music."</p>
+
+<p>"And you'll play it without costumes, too," interposed Mr. Draper,
+"unless I get my money."</p>
+
+<p>"An' begor, yez'll play it wid only sky borders and wings, iv I'm goin'
+to get left," yelled the stage carpenter. "Murphy, run off thim flats."</p>
+
+<p>By this time poor Fogg was nearly out of his mind. Surrounded by a
+number of excited creditors behind the curtain, and frightened by an
+uproarious, turbulent, and noisy audience in front, the unfortunate
+fellow recognized in his bewildered condition that he would have to go
+before the curtain and dismiss the public. But what explanation could he
+offer? His friends were there to witness his humiliation. He wrung his
+hands in despair, wished he had never been born, and mentally resolved
+never again to accept the tender of a benefit. Handy watched him
+intently, and in his heart felt genuine sorrow for the sad predicament
+in which the poor fellow had placed himself. Touching Smith on the
+shoulder, he walked back on the stage, his friend following him.</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, this is a hard case. It makes me feel sad, and we must manage
+somehow or other to get the unfortunate devil out of the hole. This is
+the worst ever. Do as I tell you, but be careful and let no one get on
+to you. You noticed that small bottle of red ink on the prompt stand.
+Get it quietly, and let no one see what you are at. Be very careful. We
+must devise some way of pulling him through. It's a big risk, but I'll
+take it. That's all. Go now and take your cue from me."</p>
+
+<p>Things were growing from bad to worse on the stage, and the commotion
+and disorder in front of the curtain were increasing. Handy moved down
+among the excited crowd that surrounded Fogg, and got close to him.
+Smith, after exchanging a knowing glance with Handy, also edged his way
+into the group.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Heavens! Fogg, my dear fellow!" suddenly exclaimed Handy, seizing
+him in an alarmed manner, "are you ill? What's the matter?" Then in a
+hasty whisper he said: "Act now, d&mdash;&mdash;n you! if you never acted before.
+Go off in a fit, drop and leave the rest to me."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, nothing, nothing!" replied Fogg, with a strange stare. Then looking
+wildly about him, he uttered a weird scream and fell in a heap on the
+stage. In an instant Handy was on his knees beside him. So was Smith,
+and before any one could realize the situation, the bottle of red ink in
+his hand had dexterously performed its office over the mouth of the
+prostrate actor.</p>
+
+<p>Bending over him, Handy whispered: "Keep still! and act out your fit and
+I'll pull you through." Then addressing those about him, he said: "Will
+some one of you gentlemen kindly fetch a glass of ice water and a little
+brandy? This is a bad case, I'm afraid. A serious affair. Send for a
+carriage. He must be removed to his house at once and a doctor called
+in. Poor fellow, the strain was too much for him. Ah, and by the way,
+will one of the gentlemen be good enough to go out in front of the
+curtain and explain to the audience the sad mishap which has befallen
+our esteemed friend? Please break it mildly in the announcement. The
+chances are it won't prove fatal, but I'm no doctor, so my say don't go
+for much. Poor old chap!"</p>
+
+<p>It was not without difficulty that the man who volunteered to quell the
+storm in front could get a hearing from the audience. At last he
+succeeded, and after he explained the suddenness and severity of the
+attack, the storm subsided and the people went quietly out.</p>
+
+<p>On the stage poor Fogg lay stretched out, Handy supporting his head. He
+was a sight. His mouth was liberally marked with Smith's home-made
+blood, for the carmine had been generously though dexterously employed.
+Everyone expressed sympathy for him. Handy, with the assistance of
+Smith, succeeded in getting him to his feet and managed to get him to
+the stage door in his <i>Melnotte</i> garb. Mrs. Doolittle's carriage was
+outside waiting, and he was assisted into it. As Handy was about to
+follow, Fogg leaned over and whispered in his ear: "For the Lord sake,
+Handy, bring my street clothes from the dressing-room, or I'll never be
+able to leave the house." Handy pressed his hand, Smith went after the
+clothes, and the three then drove to Fogg's home, and the carriage
+returned to the theatre for the lady chairman.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Handy, when within the safety of the star's quarters, "I've
+played many parts in my varied career, but this one is the limit. It
+beats the deck. Fogg, you will have to keep the house for a week, at
+least; then go and rusticate for another week, but above all things, for
+heaven's sake don't recover too hastily!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, bless my soul!" remarked Fogg, as he surveyed himself in the
+mirror, "you have ruined Draper's <i>Melnotte</i> blouse. What the blazes did
+you inundate me with that confounded red stuff for?"</p>
+
+<p>Handy looked at him seriously for a minute, and then replied: "There's
+gratitude for you. Ah! well, it's the way of the world all over. Help a
+man to get out of a scrape, and do you think he will appreciate your
+meritorious act? Not even a little bit, and the chances are he will
+begin to find fault with your manner of saving him. Darn it, man! that
+fiddler, costumer, and stage carpenter would never have swallowed an
+ordinary, common garden, every-day fit, but when they saw the gore, the
+blood-red gore, they caved-in. It was a demonstration in red, and it did
+the work. And now, then, when you are going to have your next
+testimonial you can get someone else to manage your fits. Come, Smith.
+Good-night, Fogg!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XV" id="CHAPTER_XV"></a>CHAPTER XV</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"Come what, come may,</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Time and the hour runs through the roughest day."</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Macbeth.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>Never be it said that fate itself could awe the soul of Fogg. Next day,
+when Handy called on him, he found his irrepressible friend preparing to
+saunter forth. That he failed to appreciate the humiliation of the
+previous evening there was not the slightest reason to believe. His
+restless spirit, however, was too strong to compel him willingly to
+remain indoors. He was nothing, if not active. In fact, he was miserable
+unless when employed in some optimistic scheme. No matter how
+impracticable it might appear to others, he invariably perceived a means
+to circumvent its difficulties. He believed in taking the biggest kind
+of chance on the smallest possibility of success. He was a remarkably
+unique proposition.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello, hello!" exclaimed Handy. "What's all this about? Up and dressed.
+Say, don't you know you're a sick man?" Fogg gazed at his friend more in
+surprise than anger, and turned his head aside. "Did you hear what I
+said? You don't mean to tell me that you are going out in the streets
+to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" replied Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"After what took place last night?"</p>
+
+<p>"I must, you know!"</p>
+
+<p>"With a busted blood-vessel in your innards and a&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, come now, Handy, this thing has gone far enough. I appreciate all
+you did for me in an emergency, but there's no necessity for keeping up
+the deception any longer. I tell you I have an important engagement&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold! Avast heaving and take a hitch," interrupted the veteran. "Give
+me no more of that important engagement business in mine. I have some
+say in this matter, I have."</p>
+
+<p>"You have&mdash;and how, pray?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'll give it you, and straight, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, then."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you were to have taken a benefit last night, weren't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm listening."</p>
+
+<p>"An' you didn't, did you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, no&mdash;not exactly a&mdash;benefit," replied Fogg slowly, with a sickly
+smile.</p>
+
+<p>"And why didn't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you are aware of the reason as well as I," Fogg answered,
+slightly irritated; "because I didn't have the necessary funds to carry
+out my plans, therefore&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Rubbish and stuff!" retorted Handy contemptuously. "You always get
+things mixed."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?" inquired the mystified Fogg, looking more perplexed
+than ever. "I do not quite understand you!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I didn't expect you would. Not be able to give a show without
+funds! Fiddlesticks! You make me tired. Darn it! Any one could do the
+turn with funds, and if you had the funds you wouldn't need a
+benefit&mdash;unless, indeed, you needed them to take a pleasure trip to
+Europe or to buy an automobile. But the man who can pull off a venture
+of that kind I regard as a financier; a man to be respected; a man of
+mettle&mdash;I mean the kind of mettle that's next door to genius, so to
+speak. By the way, old man, how do you spell that mettle&mdash;mettle or
+metal?"</p>
+
+<p>"I would spell it B-R-A-S-S."</p>
+
+<p>For a moment, Handy was completely put out, then extending his hand, he
+said: "Fogg, you may not know it, but you're a humorist. That wasn't
+half bad, as we say in England. I was never there, but it goes, all the
+same."</p>
+
+<p>Fogg smiled, but Handy looked serious. He was in a troubled state of
+mind on account of Fogg's expressed determination to leave the house. He
+remembered all too vividly that he had been chief engineer of Fogg's
+escapade of the preceding night. He had to economize on truth; originate
+a fit, burst a blood-vessel, and carry out several minor details to make
+the undertaking thoroughly convincing. These, of course, he was willing
+to father, and, for that matter, felt a certain pride in their
+performance, when he remembered they resulted in relieving the troubles
+of a friend. But he was hurt when he came to reflect that the friend for
+whom he had undertaken so much had so little regard for the fitness of
+things and embarrassments of the situation as to venture forth the
+following day. It was too much for his sensibilities.</p>
+
+<p>"The idea, Fogg, of showing yourself in public to-day, or to-morrow, or
+even the next day, is simply preposterous. It is out of the question. I
+may almost pronounce it like flying in the face of Providence. Remember,
+you are still a sick man, and I am sponsor for your illness. Bear in
+mind, you were taken out of the theatre as good as a dead one, in the
+garb of <i>Claude Melnotte</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; and thanks to that infernal Smith," interrupted Fogg, "the suit is
+as good as ruined, with the stuff he spilt over it."</p>
+
+<p>"There you go again. Why, you unthinking ingrate, only for that marked
+feature of the episode, you might at this moment be laid up in the
+hospital, if the stage hands, fiddlers, costumer, and bill-posters got
+in their work. Instead of that, here you are where sympathizing friends
+can visit you and hearken to your tale of woe. Don't you see," continued
+Handy, "if you are met on the street people will be likely to draw their
+own conclusions and regard last night's emergency illness as a fraud?
+You know how uncharitable even the best of friends are at odd times.
+While if you keep within doors and recover slowly, no such uncharitable
+fancy can be conjured into existence. Besides, the time spent in
+convalescence may be employed by that fertile brain of yours in devising
+some scheme for the future. I never willingly was party to a fraud, but
+when a friend gets into a bad box it becomes a human duty on the part of
+another friend to help him out. The end in view justifies the means.
+Friends don't go to that trouble, as a rule, but they ought to. Then you
+must have some consideration for dramatic consistency. Even actors can
+not burst blood-vessels with impunity over night and then go
+gallivanting about town next day. And again, is all this fine
+advertising you are going to get out of last night's realism to be
+thrown away and go for nothing? Oh, no! I guess not! My dear Fogg, you
+have got to be repaired before you are again seen in public."</p>
+
+<p>Handy's eloquent and forcible argument convinced Fogg that a week
+indoors was the proper course for him to pursue, and also be guided
+solely by the veteran during his convalescence.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, get to bed at once. You cannot tell who may get it into his
+head to call upon you. It is more than likely that Draper will be here
+after the <i>Melnotte</i> outfit."</p>
+
+<p>"Goodness gracious, I forgot all about that!" exclaimed Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought so. Never overlook details. If you had traveled over this
+broad land of the free and the home of the brave as extensively as I
+have, you would recognize their importance. They are, my dear boy, most
+important factors of success in the show line, as in every other
+business. You can start a show without money if you are careful in the
+arrangement of your details beforehand. I might be able to give you some
+useful advice on that subject, which would prove serviceable if you ever
+contemplate going on the road."</p>
+
+<p>"I did have an idea of that kind," replied Fogg. "I think there's money
+in it. Don't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that depends."</p>
+
+<p>"On what?"</p>
+
+<p>"That I can't precisely explain. I have seen some of the worst so-called
+actors that ever trod the boards catch on with the fickle public, while
+counting railroad ties was the reward for some of the most talented in
+the business. It isn't talent, ability, or merit that always tells in
+this world. Don't you know that? To be sure, if you have money to back
+any one or all of them up, together with grit enough to hold on until
+the tide turns, you may stand a chance. But sometimes, even then one
+gets left."</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw! I've known fellows without any one of these qualifications you
+have enumerated succeed&mdash;fellows who had neither friends nor capital to
+aid them," responded Fogg, as he removed his coat. "How do you account
+for that, old man?"</p>
+
+<p>"Easily enough," answered Handy, seemingly not a bit put out. "They must
+have had those magnificent endowments which may be tersely summed up in
+the simple words 'cheek' and 'push,' qualities sufficiently potent to
+transform a mouse-trap into a fortune or a tobacco patent of some kind
+into a grand opera house. These are, my boy, the magician's wand. Hurry
+up and peel off your vest. Cheek is the capital with which the
+impecunious push ahead while modest merit remains in the background
+waiting for a chance. There, now, don't stand and stare. Pull off your
+shoes. You're too slow. As I was saying, cheek in business generally is
+the <i>avant courier</i> of success. Catch on to my French? Say, what's the
+matter now&mdash;burst a button off your pants? Never mind. You'll have
+plenty of time to make repairs during the week. Remember what I tell
+you. Cheek backed up by energy will win every time, and don't make any
+mistake about it. There, now, lie down and give me a chance to mend you
+and help to get your business affairs in some kind of shape that will be
+intelligible. By the way, have you such things as a pipe and tobacco on
+the premises?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you will find them on the shelf yonder. But see here, Handy. I
+don't half like this quarantine business&mdash;lying down and playing sick
+when I am as well as you are!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then why in the name of Christopher Columbus' cat didn't you think of
+that before you went off in that fit last night! What did you do that
+for, eh? A joke? The punishment fits the crime, my friend, and you might
+as well make up your alleged mind to that fact, and that you'll have to
+take such medicine as I prescribe for at least a week to come."</p>
+
+<p>Just then was heard the ring of the hall bell, and shortly after a
+servant-like knock at the door of the apartment followed. Handy motioned
+his patient to lie down and keep still, and then called, "Come in!" The
+door opened and a servant popped in her head and informed the two
+friends that down-stairs was a man named Draper, who wanted to see Mr.
+Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"Draper! Draper!" repeated Handy, as if endeavoring to recall the name
+to his recollection. "Fogg, dear boy, do you know any one named Draper?"
+Then turning to the servant: "Are you certain you got the gentleman's
+name correct?"</p>
+
+<p>"He towld me his name was Draper, and sure that's all I know about him."</p>
+
+<p>"Will you be kind enough, like a good girl, to skip down-stairs and ask
+the gentleman to send up his card?" said Handy in his most persuasive
+manner.</p>
+
+<p>The lady who officiated as menial evidently did not relish another
+journey up and down-stairs, but Handy's winning way and manner of
+appealing to her had the desired effect. She condescended to oblige, but
+with a look, however, that might readily be mistaken for one other than
+pleasure over the job, with an accompanying murmur of words that sounded
+very much like "people puttin' on airs."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Handy, you know very well who that is down at the door," said
+Fogg, raising himself in bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Know! Well, I should smile! Why, of course I know. But, my boy, I need
+a little time to get things straightened out before we receive visitors.
+Lie down and keep quiet. I'm running this show. These <i>Melnotte</i> duds
+will have to go to the wash. Ten to one that's what Draper has called
+for. That fellow has an eye as sharp as a hawk."</p>
+
+<p>"What has that to do with the case?"</p>
+
+<p>"This, if you are anxious to know. Draper would get on to that red ink
+stain quicker than a wink. You couldn't fool that gentleman on ink for
+blood. Just cast your eagle eye over it." He held the blouse up for
+inspection. "Why, it looks more like cranberry sauce on a jamboree than
+human gore. I will stow this away in the closet, and now bear in mind it
+has gone to the wash."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, all right!"</p>
+
+<p>"Come in." This in answer to a knock at the door, and Bedelia, for such
+was the lady attendant's name, reappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"The man down at the door below sez as how he has no card wid him, but
+that yez knows him very well already. He sez he's a customer."</p>
+
+<p>"A what?" yelled Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"A customer," shouted back Bedelia.</p>
+
+<p>"A customer," echoed Handy, and then in his most agreeable manner
+continued: "Now, my gentle friend, for I know you are gentle, and
+therefore must be a friend, did not the man in the gap below tell you he
+was a costumer, and not a customer? Think, for the difference between
+the two is of some degree of importance."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sur, I may not be as well up in the new-fangled ways of spakin'
+as some other people are. Begor! with yer cawn'ts an' shawn'ts, an'
+chawnces, an' the divil only knows what in the way of pronunciayshon, a
+dacint, hard-workin' gerl can't make out half what's said nowadays. You
+call the man down-stairs wan thing an' I call him another, but both of
+them are the same man. Arrah! what's the matther wid yez, at all, at
+all?"</p>
+
+<p>With this withering invective, Bedelia looked as if she could annihilate
+Handy.</p>
+
+<p>The veteran in an amusingly polite manner arose and bowed. "All right,
+Bedelia, and if it's all the same to you, you may as well waltz the
+customer up."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sur," she answered, with what she possibly considered satiric
+dignity, "I'll sind him up, but I would like yez to understhand that
+I've plinty to do widout climbing up and down two pair of stairs waitin'
+on show-actors," and she then hurried out and bang! went the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Fogg, my boy," said Handy, with a smile, "that handmaiden is a passion
+flower. 'Twould be an injustice to the more modest posy to designate her
+a daisy."</p>
+
+<p>He was about to indulge in a laugh, when a masculine knock at the door
+interrupted. Moving quietly across the room, he opened the door. A nod
+of recognition and the costumer entered.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you kindly take a seat, Mr. Draper?" he said in a subdued voice,
+as he motioned the visitor to a chair beside the bed.</p>
+
+<p>"It's awfully kind of you, Draper, to call," said Fogg in a feeble tone
+of voice, at the same time extending his hand. "This is a bad blow. Who
+would have thought this time yesterday that I would now be&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" interrupted Handy gently. "You must keep still and not grow
+excited. You know what the doctor said." Then turning to the costumer,
+Handy explained Fogg's condition, the possible effect excitement would
+be likely to produce, and the evil consequences that might ensue. "He is
+not yet quite out of danger, but I guess he'll pull through, provided he
+will keep still and obey orders. The doctor says&mdash;&mdash;Oh! by the way, Mr.
+Draper, you didn't meet the doctor on your way up, did you?" inquired
+Handy meekly, as he placed the invalid's hand back under the coverlet.</p>
+
+<p>"No!" replied Mr. Draper, "I did not. What physician is attending him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! Doctor&mdash;ah&mdash;Doctor&mdash;&mdash;Some German name. Hold on! That last
+prescription will tell us." But somehow or other Handy could not lay his
+hand on it.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind. Don't put yourself to any trouble. It doesn't matter."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, by the way, Mr. Draper," and Handy bent down toward him and in a
+low tone of voice said, "That <i>Melnotte</i> dress our poor friend had on at
+the time of the occurrence was so soiled that we had to send it to the
+laundry before returning it. It will be all right, though."</p>
+
+<p>"Darn the thing!" replied Draper, somewhat indignantly. "You don't mean
+to think that is what I called around for. No, sir." Then rising from
+the chair, he turned toward Fogg. "Now, then, old chap, get all right
+again. Your friend here will look after you. I merely dropped in to pay
+a little friendly visit." He turned to leave the room, at the same time
+beckoning to Handy to step outside the door.</p>
+
+<p>The two went out together, and though the time Handy remained away was
+brief, Fogg's anxiety magnified it and it made him restless. At length
+Handy returned, and with much more subdued demeanor than before he went
+out. He appeared grave and thoughtful.</p>
+
+<p>"What's up now?" inquired Fogg, half raising from the bed. "What did
+Draper have to say? Is it that which disturbs you?"</p>
+
+<p>Handy remained silent for a time. "Yes. It is not only what he said, but
+what he did that knocks me."</p>
+
+<p>"I am really sorry to hear you say so," sympathetically replied Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"You know when we went outside"&mdash;and Handy breathed a heavy sigh and
+paused&mdash;"Draper placed his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Mr. Handy, you
+are a friend of Fogg?' I nodded an assent. 'I don't suppose,' he says,
+'he has any too much ready money for an emergency of this kind, so that
+when affliction pays an unwelcome visit and sudden sickness crosses the
+threshold a few dollars at such a time come not amiss.'"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-hearted fellow, after all."</p>
+
+<p>"'Now,' he continued, 'don't let anything worry the poor devil. Let him
+consider the bill for costumes chalked off. Here, put this ten dollars
+to the best advantage you can use it for any little necessaries that may
+be wanting in the sick-room.'"</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean it!" cried Fogg excitedly.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, hang it, that was too much for me!" And Handy began to pace the
+floor nervously.</p>
+
+<p>"And what did you do when he offered the money?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do!" replied Handy indignantly. "Do! Why, I declined to take it, of
+course. I can do a good many things; but no&mdash;not that, not that."</p>
+
+<p>"Right!"</p>
+
+<p>"I told him you were not in need of anything. You had all you wanted.
+That was a lie, of course, but then there are times and circumstances
+when a lie may counterfeit truth. I insisted I could not accept it. What
+do you think he said?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't imagine."</p>
+
+<p>"'Well!' he replied, 'if he doesn't want for anything, what was the
+benefit got up for? Here, take the stuff, and have no more silly
+nonsense about it.' He then thrust the money into my vest pocket and
+hurried down the stairs."</p>
+
+<p>"Handy, you amaze me!"</p>
+
+<p>"There it is," and he threw the bills on the bed to Fogg, and walked the
+room with pain distinctly written over his usually happy face. "The
+world is not so cold-hearted after all. Those we least suspect have
+hearts to feel for sufferings of others, and what is more, they have a
+practical way of expressing their sympathy." Then turning to Fogg, he
+added with much feeling: "This incident saddens me!"</p>
+
+<p>"You are right. This money must be returned. I cannot take it," and Fogg
+too became thoughtful.</p>
+
+<p>For the first time the evil of the fraud which had been perpetrated
+became forcibly evident to both men. One genuine act of kindness had
+stripped deceit of its covering more effectively than the logic of a
+hundred sermons.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps the next experience," said Handy, still in a reflective mood,
+"will be the appearance of that tough stage carpenter who threatened to
+compel you to describe the beauties of your palace by Lake Como with sky
+borders and wings, with a supply of delicacies from his humble home, or
+maybe a contribution in cash exceeding the sum you agreed to pay him for
+his labor, in order that he might show his kindly disposition to assist
+when misfortune overtook you."</p>
+
+<p>Both were visibly affected. The deception they practiced, though it
+brought a certain temporary relief from an embarrassing situation, also
+carried with it its own punishment. For a time they remained silent.</p>
+
+<p>"Handy," began Fogg, "if the thing had been real and resulted fatally, I
+verily believe that old man Funkenstein would have volunteered to
+furnish the music for my funeral, and not have charged my friends a red
+cent."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure! And what's more," replied Handy, the humorous side appealing to
+his fancy, "let me tell you, as a dead one you would have drawn a darn'd
+sight bigger house than you ever can as a live actor."</p>
+
+<p>Notwithstanding his troubles, Fogg appreciated the humorous sally of his
+associate. He threw himself back on his bed and enjoyed a hearty laugh.
+Handy permitted him to enjoy his merriment and then reminded him that
+although to the outer world he was on the blink, so far as prosperity
+was concerned, the enforced inaction of the sick-room would never bridge
+over the difficulties that encompassed him. He reminded Fogg that he was
+financially dead broke. It is true he was in the great city, the mecca
+toward which all strolling players turn their eyes as well as their toes
+when they are in financial straits, but the fact of being in the
+metropolis was not sufficient. It was necessary to set about doing
+something.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me tell you, Fogg, that thinking without action to back it up cuts
+no ice. Never did&mdash;never will. You may think until doomsday and
+accomplish nothing. I will point a moral without ornamenting a tale, by
+relating an experience I once had when I was out West some time ago with
+a company and got stranded, and if you will loan me your ear I will a
+tale unfold. What say you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Proceed."</p>
+
+<p>"First let me dispose of a quiet pipeful of tobacco to collect my
+scattered thoughts and I will unbosom myself."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVI" id="CHAPTER_XVI"></a>CHAPTER XVI</h2>
+
+<h3>A New Way to Pay Old Debts.</h3>
+
+
+<p>After Handy had complacently smoked a pipeful of Fogg's tobacco he laid
+the comforter aside and started in one of those characteristic chapters
+of incidents to be found scattered here and there on the pathway of
+nearly every player who amounts to anything either at home or abroad.</p>
+
+<p>"You may remember that a few years ago I got together a company with a
+view to endeavor to enlighten as well as to instruct the public of the
+so-called wild and woolly West."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Part of the company I picked up here, the remainder I managed to scrape
+together in Chicago. Times were not good; actors were easily had, and
+were willing to take long chances on the prospects of even getting bread
+and butter. Please don't take me too literally. They were well aware of
+the fact that if the money came in they would surely get their share.
+All who know me are pretty well satisfied on that score. Deal squarely
+with the people about you, is my maxim, and they will stand by you when
+the pinch comes. I have gone on that principle all through my varied
+career and I know the benefit of what I speak."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; all things considered," replied Fogg, "you have been on the
+Square."</p>
+
+<p>"Good! You're improving! Well, as I was saying, I got my company
+together and set out. We opened in Denver. Did fairly well; pushed on
+still further. Struck bad business, and at the end of a couple of weeks
+landed high and dry on Saturday night in a far Western town&mdash;No need of
+mentioning names."</p>
+
+<p>"As soon as that&mdash;two weeks?"</p>
+
+<p>"Just two weeks. Oh, don't affect surprise. I've known companies to go
+where the woodbine twineth on the third night out. There is nothing new
+in that. Well, the night I have reference to was so bad, that is the
+receipts were so slender, that we didn't take in money enough to pay for
+the gas, and remember we were under contract to play the following
+Monday in a city not more than fifty miles or so away."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you had all Sunday and most of Monday to get there, and keep your
+date. There's nothing in that," remarked Fogg, with a smile.</p>
+
+<p>"Very true; but, my optimistic friend, permit me to inform you that my
+company was not solely made up of pedestrians, and, moreover, walking in
+midwinter as a rule is not good. So you may readily recognize I was in a
+perplexing predicament. After I glanced over the box office statement I
+hardly knew where I was at. As I thought the situation over before me
+arose the stern reality of a large-sized board bill, for bear in mind I
+had guaranteed to pay the traveling and hotel bills of the company.
+Hotelkeepers are such matter-of-fact and precise individuals in their
+peculiar ways of dealings that it is difficult for those of empty
+pockets to get along pleasantly with them."</p>
+
+<p>"Absurdly so," admitted Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"Pleased to hear you say so, but then, my boy, you never ran a hotel."</p>
+
+<p>"No, but I kept the books of a traveling politician one season!"</p>
+
+<p>"You did?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fact."</p>
+
+<p>"You weren't traveling with a show?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nit, I was attending political conventions."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that settles it. That was a dead easy job. The party put up the
+dough and the public in the end pays the score. That's another
+proposition altogether. But the poor player who&mdash;well, no matter. No use
+in becoming sentimental or spoony about it. Now, own up, my position was
+unpleasantly embarrassing, wasn't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"It was not exhilarating."</p>
+
+<p>"No. There was nothing cheering about it. However, I put on no long
+face, though between ourselves I wished some other fellow stood in my
+shoes."</p>
+
+<p>"How considerate for the other fellow!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," continued Handy, "that's neither here nor there, but I made up
+my mind to get out of that town bag and baggage and keep my date Monday
+night, all the samee."</p>
+
+<p>"I admire your pluck."</p>
+
+<p>"Pluck? Nothing of the kind. Pluck had nothing to do with the case. It
+was tact and resource that came to my assistance. Season your admiration
+for a moment and I'll give you a wrinkle worth remembering. After a bite
+and a snack I went to bed, not to worry, but to sleep. Let me say, by
+way of comment, that a few hours' rest is a powerful rejuvenator. You
+can do much better work in the morning after a good night's sleep than
+if you had passed weary hours tossing and tumbling about in bemoaning
+your hard luck and picturing to yourself what might have been if you had
+done so and so. All rot. Let the other fellow do the worrying. Remember,
+my boy, the past is irreclaimable, the present the life we are
+struggling in, and the future what we make it, or rather try to make
+it."</p>
+
+<p>"Handy, I had no idea you were such a philosopher!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed! Well, experience teaches me to be practical," replied the
+veteran, "and I trust I may be able to prove to you the truth of what I
+say. As I told you, I retired to my bed to sleep, and sleep I did, as
+soundly as if I owned one-half the town and had a mortgage on the other
+half. Next morning I got up refreshed and with a good appetite for
+breakfast. After the morning's meal I settled myself down to the
+enjoyment of a cigar. At that stage of the game I could not afford to be
+seen smoking a pipe. Never give your poverty away to the world unless
+you can make final disposition of it. Then came the real task&mdash;the
+crisis."</p>
+
+<p>"The tug of war, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Just so. The tug of war, so to speak. I braced the landlord! I invited
+him to take a chair beside me and began the siege."</p>
+
+<p>"Commenced operations. Fire away."</p>
+
+<p>"I had already made a study of the man, and had well considered my plan
+of attack. I opened by telling him frankly I was in trouble. The week's
+business had been bad, receipts next door to nothing, my share slim. To
+make a long story short, I confessed I could not settle my bill."</p>
+
+<p>"That must have been an interesting communication for mine host of the
+inn. How did he take it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, his reception of the information somewhat surprised me. I
+anticipated a storm; but no. He was perfectly calm. I waited for a
+reply, but he simply remarked, 'Well?' I then enlarged on my ill-luck,
+bad business, terrible weather, and wound up with a pathetic story of
+our situation. 'Well,' he again exclaimed, 'I will hold the baggage and
+stuff until you can settle up.'"</p>
+
+<p>"The old, old story," plaintively exclaimed Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"I felt that was coming, but I also judged from the manner of that
+decision, cold as it was in all the integrity of its meaning, that I had
+a practical man to deal with. Take my word for it, Fogg, it is always
+better to have business dealings with a man of that type than with one
+who, while he loads you up with sympathy to beat the band, doesn't mean
+a word of it. To settle there and then for board and get our things out
+of quarantine was out of the question; to attempt to play our next stand
+without our 'props' and things was equally difficult."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, but then," said Fogg, "hotelkeepers never take these things
+into consideration."</p>
+
+<p>"No, never. 'Mr. Breadland'&mdash;that was his name&mdash;'I have a proposition to
+make,' said I, 'and as you seem to be a practical man, you will, I have
+an idea, recognize its practicability. The situation is this: I owe you
+money. The amount I am unable to pay just now. You say you propose to
+hold on to the baggage belonging to the company as security for the
+debt.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You state the case precisely,' said he.</p>
+
+<p>"'Now, then,' I continued, 'the stuff you propose to seize you don't
+want, and you only mean to hold the things as security for the payment
+of the board bill&mdash;an honest debt.' He nodded his head while he
+scrutinized me closely. 'Now, what would you say if I could point out a
+way to you by which you could still have security for the indebtedness,
+I could have the baggage and things, and you get the money owing to
+you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'My friend,' said he, 'I don't want to hold your stuff. It's no earthly
+use to me. I only want the coin that's due me. If you can show or point
+out to me any feasible plan by which that end may be reached, I rather
+think you and I may come to terms.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I guess I can. To be sure it may cause you personally some little
+inconvenience for a few days, but the scheme will work out all right.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Let me hear it,' says he, looking me squarely in the face.</p>
+
+<p>"It is this: We are billed to play Monday night in Bungtown. The chances
+are we will have a big house for the opening. We stay there three
+nights. Now, then, my proposition is that you send your clerk along with
+the company; I will place him in the box office, where he will have
+control of the receipts, and each night after the show is over he can
+take for you a percentage of the share coming to me, and continue to do
+so at each performance until your bill is all paid. How does it strike
+you?' Well, sir, it set that countryman a-thinking and pulling his
+whiskers so vigorously that I feared his goatee would give way. I knew
+almost to a dead certainty that I had won. The man, Fogg, who hesitates
+gives way in the end, always.</p>
+
+<p>"Breadland reflected a minute, then spoke out: 'I'll do it,' he said.
+''Tis about the easiest and safest way of getting hunk.'</p>
+
+<p>"'One thing more, Mr. Breadland,' I added, when I felt satisfied that
+luck was running my way.</p>
+
+<p>"'What is it?' he inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"'The hotel bill, as you are aware, is made out to cover all charges up
+to and including lunch to-day. After the train which leaves here at
+three this afternoon there is none other until to-morrow forenoon, and
+as the company has done a deal of traveling and the people are pretty
+well tuckered out, a day's rest and a good night's sleep would not be
+amiss, and it would enable us to give a rattling good performance
+to-morrow night.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I agree with you,' he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought so, but perhaps I didn't make myself as clear as I might.
+Your good nature, however, emboldens me to respectfully suggest'&mdash;and
+this I said in the most tender and convincing manner I could
+employ&mdash;'that for the sake of art and good fellowship, for this little
+extra hospitality you make no addition to the hotel bill. Let it stand
+as it is.'"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed Fogg, in open-mouthed wonder. "Did he show you the
+door?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a bit of it. I told you he was a plain, practical kind of cuss,
+with a tender spot in his heart. He looked at me with a calm, queer, but
+not mischievous twinkle in his eye. I stood the gaze with the most
+innocent assumption of impudence, waiting for the verdict. It came in a
+moment, accompanied with a hearty laugh as he said: 'By jingo, you
+deserve to get ahead! You won't fail for want of nerve. It's your long
+suit. I'll have to go you,' or words to that effect. 'Come,' he said,
+rising from his chair, 'I'll blow you off,' and he led the way to the
+bar."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean to say he stood treat into the bargain?" asked Fogg, in
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure; like a prince, he did; and what's more, he made the remainder
+of the day as pleasant as if every member of the company was a
+first-floorer, paying bridal-party rates.</p>
+
+<p>"That little episode made me very solid with my company. They knew the
+actual condition of the exchequer, for obvious reasons, and wondered how
+I was able to make things all right without the necessary wherewithal.
+That's management, my boy. They never considered for the life of them,
+that three-fourths or more of the business of the world is managed and
+conducted on credit and promises to pay. I was merely working out the
+principle in my own little bit of a way. So the day passed agreeably.
+The people knew that everything in the hotel was all right and that I
+had the railroad fares snugly stowed away in my inside pocket."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVII" id="CHAPTER_XVII"></a>CHAPTER XVII</h2>
+
+<h3>"The actors are at hand; and by their show you shall all know that
+you are like to know."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Midsummer Night's Dream.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>"We got into Bungtown early next day. I went at once to the theatre.
+There I was happy to learn that the advance sale was good and the
+prospects for the evening's performance A1. We opened to a full house,
+and the audience appeared to enjoy the entertainment. The following
+evening did not pan out quite so well, in consequence of a torchlight
+procession through the streets and a big Grand Army parade. The night
+after&mdash;our farewell performance. Great Scott! A rainstorm thinned the
+attendance to the proportions of a fashionable church in the metropolis
+during summer, when the popular preacher is absent on vacation abroad,
+seeking after the health he never lost. How I felt can be better
+imagined than described. I was up against it for fair. As I told you, I
+was unable to settle the hotel bill at the last town, and in addition we
+had now the handicap of an extra hotel and railroad fare for Breadland's
+clerk, who according to agreement was to travel with the show until the
+whole account with Breadland was squared up."</p>
+
+<p>"The prospects were not encouraging."</p>
+
+<p>"No; but we managed, somehow or other, to get out of town; though when
+everything was fixed, including a few dollars to Breadland on account,
+it was a close shave. Fortunately, the railroad fares to our next stand
+were light and we had three days there. It was in that sylvan retreat by
+the flowing river we nearly met our Waterloo. Speak of bad business. It
+was something weird."</p>
+
+<p>"Misfortune and you must have been running a race."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, with the filly away in the lead. But we managed to play right on.
+Sunday morning found me once more <i>hors de combat</i>, with another hotel
+bill unpaid and an almost empty treasury to meet it. I nearly gave up in
+despair. Remembering, however, that despair never yet pulled a man out
+of a hole, in sheer desperation I resolved once more to fall back on the
+expedient that carried us over the sea of troubles that beset us before
+we reached Bungtown."</p>
+
+<p>"Great Heavens! you don't mean to say you proposed to carry another
+hotel clerk on your staff?" queried Fogg.</p>
+
+<p>"I had to do something. Necessity is the prompter of ingenuity, and the
+suggestion came from that source. There is no use in going further into
+detail. I convinced the landlord and secured another secretary of the
+treasury to look after the income, and we got out of town next morning
+as happy as clams at high water. Well, without mincing matters, I must
+say we had as rough a road to travel any band of poor strolling
+Thespians ever struck."</p>
+
+<p>"Misfortune still in the lead?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should say so. Listen. We ran into the Gulf Stream of a red-hot
+political campaign, and I needn't tell you these torchlight processions,
+firework displays, and fife and drum corps knock the life out of the
+show business. Where we made a few dollars in one place we dropped them
+in another. Had it not been for a small reserve fund I had carefully
+treasured up for extra hazardous emergencies and my peculiar talent and
+diplomacy in dealing with hotel men, I verily believe it would have
+taken us all the winter to have reached a hospitable haven of relief,
+for the walking was wretched and Western railroad ties too far apart for
+decent pedestrianism."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" smiled Fogg, "you must have had an anxious time from the word
+go."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that goes without saying. I managed to pull through and reached
+good warm-hearted Chicago with nine hotel clerks on my staff, all acting
+as treasurers, assistant treasurers, auditors, ticket-sellers,
+bookkeepers and financial agents, each one wondering why the box office
+department was receiving accessions to its ranks in the face of such bad
+business."</p>
+
+<p>"An' did they never tumble to the little joker?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I candidly admit it required the exercise of considerable tact to
+keep them in complete ignorance of the true situation."</p>
+
+<p>"Of that I have not the slightest doubt."</p>
+
+<p>Handy was silent a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"Fogg, did you ever worry over a promoter's prospectus of a proposed
+financial scheme prepared for the edification of the public with the
+laudable intention of separating people from their money?"</p>
+
+<p>"Some," answered Fogg, slightly mystified at the change Handy had given
+to the conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"That being the case, you can call to mind how eloquently the promoter
+labors to convince prospective investors how they can get in on the
+ground floor and lay the foundation of a fortune to be made out of a
+hole in the ground?"</p>
+
+<p>"I've heard of such things."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know how it was done?"</p>
+
+<p>"Search me."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I, too, can do a little in that line myself. I did some of the
+most expert word painting to my assistant financial agents or their
+representatives and held them together and in good fellowship until I
+reached my harbor."</p>
+
+<p>"If the question is not an indelicate one," said Fogg hesitatingly,
+"might I inquire if you ever paid up?"</p>
+
+<p>"Every dollar," quickly responded Handy. "When we reached Chicago we
+struck smooth water and entered upon a prosperous sea for four weeks.
+Money fairly poured into our coffers. One by one I sent each hotel clerk
+back to his employer, with a check for the money I owed him in his
+pocket and a receipted bill in mine. I squared up with every one I was
+indebted to. You know when we make money we make it fast."</p>
+
+<p>"And part with it as readily," added his friend.</p>
+
+<p>"That has nothing to do with the case, my boy. Now, let me ask you if
+you think I told you this moving tale of ups and downs for the mere fun
+of its recital, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, partly fun, kill time, and partly to a&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, go on. Partly to a&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;what? Why don't you finish the
+sentence?"</p>
+
+<p>"To illustrate the principle of a novel way to pay old debts, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Right you are," replied Handy emphatically. "And let me add, so far as
+you are personally concerned&mdash;&mdash;" For the first time during the
+narration he looked thoroughly in earnest.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm listening."</p>
+
+<p>"When you ever get in a bad box or are up against it, don't lay down and
+brood over the hardship, but set to work with a will to get square with
+your troubles as becomes a man."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XVIII" id="CHAPTER_XVIII"></a>CHAPTER XVIII</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"Twinkle, twinkle, little star,</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>How I wonder what you are."</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Nursery Rhymes.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>Three weeks after "The Lady of Lyons" episode Handy was once more in
+harness and equipped for the stage. He had captured what is technically
+known as "an angel" and was fairly well provided for another brief
+campaign. His friend Smith was engaged to accompany him and to officiate
+as general utility man in the broadest sense of the term. Fogg, who had
+been instrumental in lassoing the "angel," was engaged to be leading man
+of the new organization. An "angel" is one of those peculiar individuals
+who have stage aspirations, with money to burn; is ambitious to act, or
+try to, then fret a brief season behind the footlights, in nine cases
+out of ten fails and is never heard of more. The "angel" is generally a
+woman with a "friend." Her stock in trade to embark in an arduous
+profession requiring talent, industry, patience, intelligence,
+perseverance, and self-reliance consists chiefly in a good wardrobe,
+cheek, self-assurance, vanity, and ready cash.</p>
+
+<p>It is a well-known fact that the capital stock of an "angel" melts,
+thaws, and resolves itself into disappointment after she has had a short
+practical experience on the boards. The exacting demands of the
+theatrical calling dims the luster that lured the deluded one recklessly
+to enter the seemingly attractive circle, to appear as the make-believe
+heroines of romance on the stage. A few weeks&mdash;perhaps not so long&mdash;at
+one of the theatrical factories to be found in nearly all of the large
+cities where <i>Juliets</i> are prepared at short notice, <i>Camilles</i>
+manufactured for immediate use, and actors in every department of the
+calling are turned out by some superfluous veteran of the stage at so
+much per lesson, generally in advance, fits the aspirant for a debut on
+a starring tour. How many enterprises of this character have started
+out, with thousands of dollars to back them, too, and returned to the
+city with rudely dispelled hopes and empty purses, it is difficult to
+estimate. Every season brings forth a fresh crop. The industry has grown
+with the times, and the appetite for theatric fame has not in the least
+diminished. The number of fallen "angels" scattered throughout the
+country would cut a respectable figure in a statistical report.</p>
+
+<p>It is only a few short years ago, in one of the leading theatres of the
+country, a playhouse which was subsequently trampled out of existence by
+the march of trade, that five <i>Juliets</i> to one <i>Romeo</i> made an afternoon
+pitiful by the incongruity of the representation of one of the sweetest
+plays of the immortal bard. Every act introduced a fresh <i>Juliet</i>, as if
+to demonstrate the unfitness of each aspirant to present adequately even
+the slightest phase of a character which requires the art of a
+consummate artist to interpret properly.</p>
+
+<p>Much has been said and written about the unworthiness of traveling
+companies in the country towns. While much of this may be true, even in
+the large cities as absurd exhibitions of acting may be witnessed as
+anywhere else. No one knew this better than Handy. To give him his due,
+he was usually careful in the selection of his companies. He never went
+half-way to work about it. When he desired to organize a troupe he
+endeavored to gather about him the best from his point of view.</p>
+
+<p>"Indifferent and bumptious actors," said Handy to a friend, "are always
+looking for what they call big money. Their seasons, therefore, are
+short. They learn nothing from experience. They know it all. Yet they
+will hang on the ragged edge of starvation for weeks rather than come
+down in what they are pleased to name as their figures. A really good
+actor has little difficulty in securing an engagement at a reasonable
+salary. I know them, and they can't fool your uncle."</p>
+
+<p>It must be admitted that Handy's experience in this line was somewhat
+extensive. To go into the detail of advance work and rehearsals is
+unnecessary. They may be left to the reader's imagination. They are,
+therefore, passed over in order to get more quickly to the opening night
+and the birth and death of a star.</p>
+
+<p>"Camille" was the drama in which the "angel" decided to make her debut.
+The aspiring amateur, if a woman, generally makes choice of "La Dame aux
+Camellias." Why she does so, if not to bring to her aid a display of
+rich and elaborate costumes, it is difficult to say. In making such
+selection she unconsciously contrasts the possession of rich silk and
+satin frocks, together with valuable jewels, with the poverty of her
+histrionic resources.</p>
+
+<p>The little town of Weston was the place selected as the scene of
+operations. The advance man, or press agent, had played his part well.
+"Camille" met the eye on every fence and blank wall in the place.
+Dodgers literally floated in the air and the town was so adorned with
+snipes that the uninitiated might reasonably conclude that paper costs
+nothing and printers worked for fun. To Handy's indefatigable exertions
+this was in a great measure due. Three nights he devoted to the work,
+and actually painted Weston red with "Camille."</p>
+
+<p>"If you want to have a thing done well," he exclaimed, "you must do it
+yourself or see personally that it is done. There is no use in having
+printing unless you get it up where the public can see it. Billposters
+are peculiar people. They are in certain respects economical, and they
+have their own peculiar ideas of saving. That perhaps is the reason why
+you see so few posters stuck up for public edification and so many of
+them stowed away somewhere on out-of-the-way shelves in bill-posters'
+studios. They are queer fellows, these bill-posters. I've never been
+able to understand them. I've been, in various capacities, with many
+theatrical companies that were amply supplied with all kinds of printing
+to start out with, but when I went about town where we played looking
+for it I had to search pretty closely to find where it was pasted up. I
+therefore, in this case, determined to pay personal attention to that
+part of the business myself." This information or explanation was
+imparted to <i>Camille</i> through Fogg, by the way of a preliminary
+endorsement of Handy's remarkable energy.</p>
+
+<p>Fogg was enthusiastic in praise of the manager's clever publicity
+display.</p>
+
+<p>"I never saw a town so well billed in my life," said he, "and as you
+know, Mr. Handy, I have had some experience in such matters. Don't you
+agree with me, Miss De la Rue?" The last inquiry was addressed to the
+"angel" star, who was standing by his side, apparently as nervous and
+fidgety as if she was about to undergo an examination in a law court.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed; I think the place is awfully well done," she replied,
+rather timidly, "but I didn't notice as many of my lithos around as I
+expected."</p>
+
+<p>"What!" replied the manager in surprise. "Why, there ain't a saloon or
+cigar shop that ain't got them up. I know, for I've been in all of 'em."</p>
+
+<p>Handy spoke the truth. It is a fact that cigar shops and liquor stores
+are the principal galleries in which the pictorial printing of
+theatrical celebrities and theatrical combinations are placed on
+exhibition. There is more money thrown away uselessly in such places, in
+the way of expensive printing and lithographs, than managers seem to
+realize. Even some of the shrewdest men in the business are not
+altogether free from the weakness of adorning these establishments with
+high-priced pictorial work. The practice at one time had at least the
+merit of novelty, but since it has become a regular thing it has lost
+much of its efficacy and ceased to be remunerative. But what is the use
+of objecting? Stars would be nothing more than mere rushlights if the
+highly colored lithos did not proclaim their prominence in the
+theatrical firmament to those who are ever ready to pledge women in song
+or story in the flowing bowl. Of course, in the interest of art.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think, Mr. Handy, that we shall have a good house?" inquired the
+"angel," as she stood on the stage before the performance, in a highly
+nervous, hesitating manner. "I should dislike to appear before a small
+audience; it is so discouraging, you know, to an artist."</p>
+
+<p>"A good house?" echoed the optimistic manager. "We'll turn 'em away, and
+you can bank on it," he replied, with an air of confidence that
+reassured the bird of paradise and brought a smile to her face.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm so glad to hear you say so! But I'm ashamed to admit it. But to
+you, of course, as my manager, I may confide and confess I feel awfully
+nervous."</p>
+
+<p>"Happy to hear you tell me so, miss. Remember one thing, that all them
+as amounts to anything are taken that way on a first night. For
+instance, take Sarah Bernhardt. Well, she's a holy terror on a first
+night. There's Francis Wilson&mdash;well, it isn't safe to be near him when
+he comes off the stage of a first night. Then there's Joe Murphy, the
+great Irish comedian; when he plays a part, it is said, he becomes so
+nervous that he goes about giving every member of his company a
+ten-dollar bill. Sir Henry Irving was another of those so affected that
+he wanted to make a speech to the audience after every act, and only for
+the restraining influence of Bram Stoker, he would. Charley Wyndham, now
+Sir Charles, makes himself believe he is an incarnation of David
+Garrick. Nat Goodwin is that nervous of a first night that he wants to
+play 'Macbeth' with Maude Adams as <i>Lady Macbeth</i> the next time he
+produces a new piece. All the result of nervousness, I assure you. I am
+affected that way myself on every first performance I appear in. It is,
+strange to say, the greatest evidence we have of the possession of that
+gift of what is regarded as genius. That's what's the matter!"</p>
+
+<p>"You really think so? Oh, it is so consoling to hear you say so! I feel
+easier in my mind after you telling me and placing me on the same
+footing with the great ones of our profession. I'll go and dress now."</p>
+
+<p>The "angel" star hurried off to her dressing-room. Smith, from among the
+manifold duties he was called upon to perform, had just returned from
+the front of the house, where he had been looking after things, as he
+himself put it. He approached Handy and in an enthusiastic manner
+informed him he thought the capacity of the house would be tested.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that won't surprise me," replied Handy. "Give me 'Camille' every
+time for a country audience, providing the billing is all right.
+'Camille' is old enough to be young."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think we're going to give a good show?"</p>
+
+<p>"As to that, I'll speak to you later on. That's another proposition.
+Now, then, get a move on you. Hurry up and dress, and above all things,
+see that your props are all right."</p>
+
+<p>Smith was property man as well as prompter&mdash;two important offices which
+in any well-regulated theatrical company would require the services of
+two men. In addition to these, he undertook to double a couple of the
+minor parts. He was an old hand at the work, and doubling and trebling
+did not in the slightest disturb him. He was not always as careful as he
+should be in the matter of detail, and in several instances his attempts
+at faking did not pan out as he originally planned them.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XIX" id="CHAPTER_XIX"></a>CHAPTER XIX</h2>
+
+<h3>"Experience is a great book, the events of life its chapters."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Sainte-Beuve.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>By eight o'clock the house was well filled. The signboard bearing the
+legend, "Standing Room Only" was put out in front to catch a few more.
+It was such an audience as would make any manager's heart rejoice. The
+curtain rose promptly on the first act. To say the act went off tamely
+would be simply admitting the truth. Camille was not only uncertain in
+her lines, but she was suffering from a bad attack of stage fright. Were
+it not for extraordinary exertions on the part of the principal members
+of the company&mdash;a confidence acquired of long experience&mdash;the star of
+the evening would have twinkled out of existence and "Camille" would
+have been presented in one act instead of five. The unfortunate "angel"
+realized for the first time in her life, possibly, that the calling she
+had selected to adopt was not all her fancy had painted it. The
+so-called coaching and training she had paid for proved of little or no
+practical value. She was <i>Camille</i> only in costume&mdash;if in that; the
+<i>Camille</i> of the dressmaker&mdash;nothing more. The audience, moreover, were
+not slow in recognizing this fact also. That day has gone by,
+apparently, when tyros may sally forth from the city and win country
+audiences with fine dresses, pretty faces, cheek, and inexperience. The
+theatre-going public knows the trick. The days of such barn-storming are
+passing away.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Fogg, who was the <i>Armand</i>, did not make a profound impression. The
+part suited him like an ill-fitted garment, and he felt it. The
+realization of that fact took all the vim out of him. If the real truth
+was known, he, no doubt, wished himself back in his little second-story
+back in the big city, gossiping of what he might, but could not, do if
+he had the chance. Handy was cast for the part of the <i>Count de
+Varville</i>. He was not great in the character, but he could wrestle with
+it. Was there a role in the whole range of the English drama he would
+decline to take a fall out of if circumstances demanded?</p>
+
+<p>"Say, you'll have to throw more ginger into the part, old fellow," said
+Handy, as the hero of the carmine blouse of benefit memory walked across
+the stage, looking very disconsolate after the first act. Neither he nor
+the star received the slightest applause during their scenes.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait until the fourth act, the great act of the piece," replied Fogg,
+"and I'll fetch 'em. You just watch me."</p>
+
+<p>"All ready for the second act," cried out the call-boy. A few seconds
+later the curtain went up and the play proceeded. Nothing of particular
+moment transpired during the act. The audience sat through it as tamely
+as if listening to a funeral sermon. <i>Camille</i> was painfully tame;
+<i>Armand</i> as harmless a lover as any respectable parent could desire. The
+remainder of the cast, influenced, no doubt, by the shortcomings of the
+principals, became listless and merely walked through their parts as
+they spoke their lines.</p>
+
+<p>At the close of the act a number of people left the house. They
+evidently had had enough and did not care for more. The "angel" also had
+had enough of "Camille," and wished the whole thing was over. Fogg also
+had had enough of <i>Armand</i>, and mentally avowed that never again would
+he undertake a stage lover to an "angel" without experience. In passing,
+it may be added that an experienced "angel" would not accept Fogg for a
+<i>Claude</i> at any price. Handy had enough of both of them, with something
+to spare. In desperation he even expressed regret he did not have a hack
+at <i>Armand</i> himself and infuse some life into it. If he had there would
+have been fun, for Handy's lovers were fearfully and wonderfully made.</p>
+
+<p>The third act passed pretty much as the two preceding acts, only more
+so, with fewer people in the house to see it. A number of noticeable
+yawns evidenced the frame of mind of those who remained.</p>
+
+<p>The curtain went up on the fourth act&mdash;that in which Fogg was going to
+do something. He had in the meantime been bracing up. When he made his
+entry and spoke, his manner of speech was somewhat thick, but his acting
+was more energetic. Fogg never could take anything stimulating without
+its going to his head, and as his brain exercised a peculiar influence
+over other members of his body, they all contributed their aid to
+illustrating his actual condition. He at length appeared to wake up to
+the actualities of the situation. So had <i>Camille</i>, so had the <i>Count de
+Varville</i>, and so had the audience&mdash;particularly the audience. Fogg
+strenuously warmed up. The first genuine manifestation on the part of
+the audience occurred when <i>Armand</i>, rising from the card-table and
+making a stage crossing, caught his foot in a hole in the carpet,
+caromed against the card-table, upset it, and measured his length on the
+boards. The audience burst into laughter. Audiences really enjoy such
+contretemps, cruel as such accidents or mishaps may be to the luckless
+player. Fogg arose and, wisely affecting not to notice the storm in
+front of the footlights, continued the scene. At length the moment was
+reached for him to shower gold on <i>Camille</i>, and by such insult endeavor
+to provoke a quarrel with <i>de Varville</i>. Hastily and clumsily drawing
+forth the property purse or bag of coin which Smith had prepared, he
+burst the fastening and showered the contents on the unfortunate
+<i>Camille</i>. Lo and behold! the property coin proved to be medium-sized
+brass buttons with long shanks. A far-sighted humorist among the
+audience caught sight of them and, with utter disregard of the dramatic
+situation and ignoring the consequences of his interference, unloosed
+his tongue and in a peculiar treble voice called out:</p>
+
+<p>"Button, button; who has the button?"</p>
+
+<p>The audience caught the ill-timed humor of the situation, <i>Camille</i>
+nearly collapsed, and the people on the stage with considerable
+difficulty restrained themselves from taking part in the prevailing
+hilarity. It was some time before the slightest semblance of order could
+be restored in front. Eventually, when something like quiet was
+restored, the act was played to a finish, in a somewhat fitful and
+highly nervous manner.</p>
+
+<p>Behind the curtain there was a very lively condition of things. <i>Armand</i>
+was furious; <i>Camille</i> was engaged in giving a practical demonstration
+of hysterical stunts. She declared she would not go on any more. She was
+going to quit right there and then. It required all of Handy's
+persuasive eloquence to prevail on her to finish the performance.
+<i>Camille</i> seemed to be firm in her resolve.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis only the dying scene," urged Handy. "It's dead easy, and the merit
+of it is that it is the best act of all for you. Only for those
+unfortunate buttons everything would have gone off all serene. We were
+getting into the spirit of the thing when the mishap broke everything
+all up. I'll kill that blithering property man when I lay hands on him."</p>
+
+<p>Fogg had already started on the warpath after Smith, but Smith, having
+an intuitive knowledge that a meeting between himself and his leading
+man would result in strained relations, and not doubting for an instant
+that discretion is the better part of valor, beat a hasty retreat from
+the theatre, costumed and made up as he was, not even remaining long
+enough to wash the make-up from his face.</p>
+
+<p>It was debatable for several minutes whether the "angel" would finish
+<i>Camille</i> or some obliging member of the company would undertake the
+job. None of the ladies appeared ambitious to shuffle off the mortal
+coil of the <i>Lady of the Camellias</i>. Finally, after a successful siege
+of coaxing, pleading, imploring, and entreating on the part of Handy,
+the "angel" consented. The curtain went up. <i>Camille</i>, under the
+circumstances, did the best she could in speaking the lines. An
+occasional titter from the audience conveyed only too plainly the
+information that the button incident was not yet forgotten.
+Notwithstanding, poor <i>Camille</i> struggled bravely on. It was uphill
+work, but she persevered. At length the fateful moment arrived for
+<i>Armand</i> to make his entrance. No sooner did he set his foot on the
+stage in view of the audience then again the voice of the serio-comic
+humorist in front, in the same weird tone, was, it must have been
+drowned in the laughter of the assemblage.</p>
+
+<p>"Ring down the curtain," piteously pleaded <i>Camille</i> in an undertone
+from her deathbed.</p>
+
+<p>Handy stood in the wings, ready for any emergency likely to turn up, and
+in a very audible prompt whisper replied: "Go on, go on with the scene.
+Die as fast as you can. Don't give them any fancy dying frills, but
+croak at once and have done with it."</p>
+
+<p>Whether the people in front overheard the manager's imperative prompting
+or that the echo of "button" was still ringing in their ears, the death
+scene of <i>Camille</i> was presented as it had never been before&mdash;with peals
+of laughter. <i>Camille</i> made a final effort, and then fell back on the
+bed. There was something in the realistic manner of the act that caught
+the quick perception of the audience. The people on the stage also were
+attracted by it, and they gathered about the fallen star. The curtain
+was rung down on the double-quick. The poor girl remained motionless in
+the position she had fallen. The effort had proven too much, the strain
+too great&mdash;she had been completely overcome, had broken down and
+collapsed.</p>
+
+<p>Handy and Fogg later in the night were seated together in a little back
+room of the hotel. Fogg was crestfallen&mdash;Handy thoughtful. Only a slight
+exchange of conversation passed between them. At length the silence was
+broken.</p>
+
+<p>"Fogg," asked Handy, "do you believe in a hereafter?"</p>
+
+<p>"What a singular question."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind about its singularity. Do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I do."</p>
+
+<p>"In heaven, and all that kind of thing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Then take a friend's advice. Never again undertake the support of an
+'angel' until you reach heaven. They have no buttons there."</p>
+
+<p>The humor was wasted on Fogg. He was too humiliated to relish any kind
+of a joke. After lingering a short time, he retired. The veteran
+remained thoughtful, taking some consolation from his briarwood and a
+steaming hot Scotch. For some minutes he continued in what for some
+reason or other is known as a brown study. How long he might have
+continued in that condition it is not necessary to speculate on. A tap
+at the window aroused him from his revery. He glanced in the direction
+from whence the sound came. There he beheld the well-known face of his
+first lieutenant, Smith. He motioned Handy to come to him. Handy was too
+comfortable where he was. He bade Smith come right in. Smith shook his
+head and pantomimed Handy to survey his get-up. The latter recognized
+the situation, swallowed the contents of his glass, and stepped outside.
+The meeting was not at first particularly cordial, but when Handy
+comprehended the predicament in which his friend had placed himself he
+laughed.</p>
+
+<p>"You're a beaut, you are. It's a mighty lucky thing Fogg didn't catch
+you, let me tell you. If he had, it's dollars to doughnuts there would
+be a funeral in the Smith family in the near future; and what's more,
+you wouldn't have a word as to choice of vehicle in which you went to
+the cemetery. But say, why on earth are you masquerading about the
+streets in that get-up?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, cut all that!" replied Smith, "and tell me how I'm going to get my
+street togs. They are in the dressing-room at the theatre, and I can't
+go gallivanting through the streets in this rig. Do you want to have me
+pinched and locked up, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't you come from there in 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure I came in 'em. I had to. I would have come out without anything, I
+was so scared of that lunatic Fogg. But, say, you got through with the
+show all right."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes. Oh, yes! We got through with the show all&mdash;wrong, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"But what?"</p>
+
+<p>"The season is closed."</p>
+
+<p>"Closed!" repeated Smith anxiously. "You don't mean it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, but I do mean it. The game is up. No more 'Camille.' The 'angel'
+has fallen. She has had all the starring she wants, and starts
+heavenwards to-morrow on the Pennsylvania limited for the Lord knows
+where."</p>
+
+<p>"An' Fogg&mdash;whither goest he?"</p>
+
+<p>"He accompanies her as a kind of guardian angel."</p>
+
+<p>"An'&mdash;an'&mdash;a&mdash;the&mdash;salaries, what about them?"</p>
+
+<p>"They remain."</p>
+
+<p>"With whom?" asked Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"They are all right. The 'angel' does the decent thing, and puts up for
+the entire week."</p>
+
+<p>"An' then&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you want to know too much! Maybe I will try and fill in the dates
+myself. I don't exactly know yet, but for mercy sake, come in with me
+and run up to my room, wash the grease paint and make-up off your mug,
+and I will let you have my ulster to cover you while you go back to the
+theatre and get your clothes."</p>
+
+<p>On his return, Smith rejoined his manager and they spent the night
+together. Next morning Handy was up early, and after a conference with
+Miss De la Rue and Mr. Fogg he called on the landlord and settled the
+hotel bill. He then accompanied the "angel" and Fogg to the station and
+saw them both safely on the train. The lady resolved to abandon all
+histrionic ambition, and never after sought the fickle fame of the
+footlights, and Fogg ever since shows an affected contempt for anyone
+who sees anything to laugh at over the button episode of his
+extraordinary one-night season with the "angel" <i>Camille</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XX" id="CHAPTER_XX"></a>CHAPTER XX</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>I am not an imposter that proclaim</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Myself against the level of my aim.</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">All's Well That Ends Well.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>After Handy returned to the hotel, having parted with his "angel" and
+his star at the station, the first man he met was his landlord, a
+somewhat smart and shrewd, speculative individual, who was not adverse
+at odd times to trying to turn an honest penny by occasional incursions
+into the alluring and fascinating domain of speculation. He had a
+weakness for the theatre, the race-track, the stock market, the trotting
+circuit, etc. He was willing, when the opportunity presented itself, to
+put a trifle into any of these hazards by way of a flyer, as he termed
+it, provided he thought he saw a chance to make a little something on
+the side. He had already made a small stake on stocks, secured a fair
+return from an investment in oil, and came out about even on the
+race-track. Up to this time, however, he had never indulged in the
+luxury of a theatrical venture, notwithstanding the hankering he had at
+times to dabble in that direction. As soon as he saw Handy he called him
+aside and began a little preliminary skirmishing, and in a roundabout
+way started in to lay bare the strenuous thoughts that were agitating
+his mind. He opened up the subject by inquiring when the company
+proposed to go back.</p>
+
+<p>"On the 2.30 train," answered Handy, not knowing or caring whether there
+was a train at that particular hour or not. "Why do you ask?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I was just thinking"&mdash;and the landlord spoke with measured
+care&mdash;"I was just thinking, as I said, that perhaps you and I might be
+able to arrange some kind of a deal to give a show at Gotown, make a
+stake, and whack up on the profits. What do you say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Gotown! Gotown!" replied Handy. "Never heard of it. No, I guess not.
+You see, times are pretty brisk now; good people are in demand, and if
+we remain away from the city for any length of time some of the company
+might lose the opportunity of a steady engagement for the season. No, I
+can't take the risk."</p>
+
+<p>Handy was anxious, nevertheless, to make the venture, and he felt
+satisfied the company would stick by him.</p>
+
+<p>"There's money in it for the two of us," urged mine host of the inn.
+"The outlay will not be much, and the profits will be all ours to split
+up. It will be the first show that was ever given in the place!"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed the veteran, in surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"It will be the first show ever given in the town."</p>
+
+<p>"You take my breath away. Say, you don't mean to tell me there is one
+town in the United States that has escaped the showman?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. Gotown has, an' I'll gamble on it," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Stay! There must be some kind of a rink there?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"No rink."</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"A museum, then&mdash;moving-pictures snap?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Has there been a circus there recently?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never had a circus within miles of it."</p>
+
+<p>Handy seemed puzzled. He looked at the landlord, and his face bore a
+quizzical expression as he said: "Say, mister, what in thunder kind of a
+place is this Gotown, anyway&mdash;a cemetery?"</p>
+
+<p>The landlord laughed, Handy wondered, and neither spoke for some time.
+It perplexed the veteran to reconcile with his mind the fact that there
+happened to be hid away, a town in the United States that had not yet
+been tapped by the industrious and ubiquitous showman. Reflection,
+however, might have convinced him that it was not such an extraordinary
+circumstance, after all. In this glorious and growing country cities and
+towns spring up in an unprecedentedly brief period through the magic
+influence of intelligence and industry. The discovery of some product
+that for ages has laid sealed up in the secret laboratories of nature in
+a little time has transformed the seeming sterility of a wilderness into
+the productiveness of a cultivated garden. The labor of brains and
+hands, preceding the employment of energy and capital, breaks the
+silence of time and makes way for the music of practical development.
+Active brain and toiling hands had won from mother earth rich stores and
+transformed the apparent barrenness of the ground convenient to where
+Gotown sprang up into the nucleus of a flourishing city. Someone had
+struck oil.</p>
+
+<p>"Is it a cemetery? you ask," said the landlord, after he had enjoyed
+Handy's amusing inquiry. "A cemetery, eh? Well, all I can say is that
+you'll find in Gotown the liveliest lot of ghosts you ever tackled in
+your life, if you visit the place. Gotown, a cemetery! Well, I'll be
+darned if that ain't the best I've heard in a blue moon!" and again he
+started in laughing. "Why, bless your soul, man, no one has had time to
+die there yet. Not on your life! Gotown will be Petroleum City before it
+gets out of its knickerbockers, or I'm a Dutchman."</p>
+
+<p>Handy opened his eyes in surprise. The actual situation flashed suddenly
+on him.</p>
+
+<p>"Struck oil there, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Rich."</p>
+
+<p>"Many wells?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me see! There's the Anna Held, the Billy Brady, the Bob Hilliard,
+the Peerless One, the Teddy on the Spot, the&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never mind the names. Skip them. Oil wells by any old names smell
+just the same. How many of them?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ten, fifteen&mdash;maybe double that. Can't exactly tell. They are boring
+all the time and striking it rich."</p>
+
+<p>"'Nuff sed. And you tell me they never had a show there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, darn it, man! the town was only christened about a year ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Then we'll confirm it and open its gates to the histrionic industry of
+the country. I'll have a talk with the company. But we will have to
+arrange about some printing."</p>
+
+<p>The gleam that illumined the landlord's face at the mention of printing
+was a study. Handy was somewhat mystified, and he was still more
+surprised when the landlord, with a knowing look&mdash;a look all landlords
+seems to hold a patent on&mdash;bent over and said: "Leave that to me, and
+you'll be satisfied. We'll get the winter's supplies out of this snap.
+Come, let's have something." With this hospitable suggestion, both men
+made a flank movement in the direction of the caf&eacute;.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then," began Handy, "did I understand you to say you could fix the
+printing?"</p>
+
+<p>"You did."</p>
+
+<p>"How?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I will put you wise in that direction. Will you smoke? All right.
+Now, then, light up an' we'll take a comfortable seat by the stove."</p>
+
+<p>"Lead on, Macbeth, and&mdash;well, you know the rest of it."</p>
+
+<p>Drawing up a couple of well-seasoned chairs, they both settled down for
+a practical business talk.</p>
+
+<p>"I have," said the landlord, "in the storeroom a stack of printing. I
+came by it in this way. There was a show out here about a year ago. The
+company got stranded; could go no further, and, to make a long story
+short, when the troupe started to walk home the printing remained
+behind. Exhibit No. 1."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm on. Proceed."</p>
+
+<p>"Let me further elucidate. I had a partner who at one time was in the
+bill-posting profession&mdash;it is a profession now, isn't it?" Handy
+smiled. "Well, he had a bit of money&mdash;not a great deal, and he invested
+in the line of publicity. Well, he was called away suddenly. He didn't
+exactly die&mdash;but that's of no consequence, and his assets dropped into
+my hands for safe-keeping. Among the valuables was a lot of
+miscellaneous printing of all kinds, plain and colored&mdash;and of all sorts
+and sizes&mdash;a dandy assortment. Exhibit No. 2."</p>
+
+<p>"Fire away!"</p>
+
+<p>"Furthermore, old Phineas Pressman, the town printer here, owes me a
+bill. It isn't much, but little as it is I can't squeeze a red cent of
+ready money out of him, and I see no earthly way of getting square with
+him only by giving him an order for whatever new printing stuff we may
+require, and in that way change the balance of trade in my direction.
+Exhibit No. 3. Do I make myself clear?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perfectly."</p>
+
+<p>"But you don't seem to enthuse over the prospects."</p>
+
+<p>"No," answered Handy calmly. "No, I'm no enthuser. I was just turning
+over in my mind your proposition. As I have not seen your paper, how it
+would suit, I can't imagine what it looks like."</p>
+
+<p>"What in thunder has that got to do with the case? Paper is paper,
+printing is printing, and pictures are pictures, ain't they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite correct, my friend. But you must bear in mind that they might not
+fit any show that the company could do itself credit in."</p>
+
+<p>"Stuff and nonsense! You make me slightly weary," replied the landlord.
+"Suppose it don't&mdash;what then? If the printing don't suit the play or the
+entertainment, what's the matter with the entertainment being made to
+fit in and suit the printing? Don't they all do it? What do you think
+printers and lithographers butt in and become theatrical managers for?
+For the sake and love of art, eh? Rot! You know as well as I do that
+this pictorial work you see stuck up all around hardly ever represents
+the thing they give on the stage and to see which the theatre-going
+public puts up its good coin to enjoy. Why, bless my soul, Mr. Handy,
+there's hardly a show on the road to-day that don't lay its managers
+liable to arraignment for obtaining money under false pretenses by the
+brilliancy of the printing and the stupidity and poverty of the
+performance."</p>
+
+<p>"You talk like a reformer!"</p>
+
+<p>"Reformers be hanged! I was about to tell you that some time ago there
+was a movement on foot in one or two of the Western States to secure the
+passage of a legal measure compelling showmen to actually present on the
+stage what their pictorial work on the dead walls and billboards
+promised. If the shows now going the rounds were half as good as their
+printing, they'd be works of art."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, boss!" remarked Handy admiringly, "you have the real Simon pure
+theatrical managerial instinct in you, you have. You haven't always been
+in the hotel business?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nix, I had at one time the candy privilege with a circus, and I had to
+keep my eyes open, I tell you."</p>
+
+<p>"Shake, old man," as Handy extended his hand. "When you began talking
+printing I knew you were on to the racket and understood something about
+the theatrical biz. Why, you're one of us. You belong to the profesh."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, give us a rest with your nonsense! What are you chinning about? I
+am just a plain, common, every-day innkeeper."</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose you are. Let it go at that, and let me tell you times are
+advancing. We live in a great age&mdash;a progressive and changeable age.
+There was a time when theatres and theatrical companies were managed or
+directed by men who were actors, or had been actors, or by men who had a
+love for the business, and had some particular talent or fitness for the
+trade; but nowadays all that is changed, and all sorts of chaps have
+butted in for the sake of what's in it for them. It is not, let me tell
+you, an unusual thing to find the druggist of yesterday, or the
+commercial drummer, or newspaper man of the week previous, become the
+impresario of an opera troupe or the manager of a playhouse the
+following week. This is a most changeable as well as progressive and
+strenuous age."</p>
+
+<p>"You speak like a philosopher, Mr. Handy."</p>
+
+<p>"Do they tell the truth?"</p>
+
+<p>"They are credited with doing so."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you can safely bet on my talk."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then&mdash;what about Gotown?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm with you. We'll tackle Gotown on miscellaneous paper. There's my
+hand on it."</p>
+
+<p>That afternoon Handy and the landlord started for the scene of
+operations, to look the place over. Before going, Handy had an interview
+with the members of the company, unfolded his plans to them, and drew a
+flattering picture of the prospects of success. A few of them hesitated
+and decided to go home, but enough remained to enable the veteran to
+carry out his scheme. To Smith was entrusted the duty of ascertaining
+the strong points of the individual members of the troupe and finding in
+what particular line their talents would show to the best advantage.</p>
+
+<p>"Try them in song and dance," were Handy's instructions to his
+lieutenant, "and all that kind of thing. We will have to fake this show
+in red-hot style. We are not going to play to any Metropolitan Opera
+House, Dan Frohman, or Dave Belasco audience. Don't forget, old man, we
+are going into a mining district where we will have the first go at it.
+Quantity not quality must be our motto. Remember, above all things,
+Smith, that the corned beef and cabbage of the menu will be more
+acceptable for a starter than the roast beef and plum pudding of
+dramatic art. Take your cue from the great far West. The young towns out
+there have all gone through a similar experience, until now they have
+become so fastidious that nothing less than grand opera, with a bunch of
+foreign stars, or a presentation of imported plays and play actors can
+satisfy their cultivated tastes. Let your show dish be well hashed and
+don't, above all things, neglect the histrionic pepper and mustard. The
+more highly seasoned it is the more kindly our patrons will take to the
+theatrical feast we will be compelled to give them."</p>
+
+<p>"Leave that to me."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXI" id="CHAPTER_XXI"></a>CHAPTER XXI</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"I'll view the manners of the town,</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings."</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Comedy of Errors.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p>Handy and the landlord spent the late afternoon and a good portion of
+the night in Gotown. It was a strange, straggling-looking arrangement of
+recently put together frame houses, cranes, derricks, and piles of
+lumber. So newly built were the habitations that many of them were
+devoid of paint. It was to all intents and purposes an active, stirring,
+busy little place&mdash;a hive of industry. Handy and his friend made a
+casual survey of the locality, paid visits to a number of saloons,&mdash;the
+town in that respect being well equipped,&mdash;and made several
+acquaintances. From what they had seen and heard they came to the
+conclusion they could "pull off" a fairly good-sized stake as the result
+of their venture.</p>
+
+<p>Without going into detail to any great extent, the two men made the
+following agreement: Handy engaged to put up his experience and the
+services of the company against the landlord's capital. That is, mine
+host of the inn was to defray all the expenses of the undertaking,
+including cost of transportation, board, and lodging for the company
+that was to supply the entertainment. Of whatever came in the landlord
+was to take half and Handy the other half. From his share of the
+proceeds Handy was to make good to the company.</p>
+
+<p>"It seems to me," remarked Handy, "we stand a purty fair chance to do
+something here. But, say, we haven't yet seen the hall or theatre or
+ranch we're goin' to show in."</p>
+
+<p>"That's so," replied his companion. "Let's just cut across lots here and
+go and see Ed McGowan. This way," and they made a bee-line through a
+field.</p>
+
+<p>"Ed McGowan," repeated Handy. "Who is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Big Ed? Why, he bosses the job of the crack gin-mill of the outfit, and
+runs things."</p>
+
+<p>"A good man," says Handy, "to be on the right side of, if he's all
+right."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it Ed? You bet! Why, Ed is the Pierpont Morgan of the whole lay-out.
+He's nobody now, apparently, but wait 'till he gets his fine work in an'
+he'll own the whole shooting-match. Mark what I'm a-tellin' you."</p>
+
+<p>"Is the hall convenient to his laboratory?" quizzically inquired Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Darned if I know. When I was up here a couple of weeks or so ago Ed
+told me he was goin' to put up a hall or something where the boys, as he
+called them, could have a dance or a slugging match, or a show,&mdash;any old
+thing, in fact, that came along in the way of diversion and amusement."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, boss," said Handy, somewhat puzzled, "are you serious or are you
+stringin' me?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't understand."</p>
+
+<p>"We start even, then, for blow me if I understand you."</p>
+
+<p>"Please explain yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll do my plainest!"</p>
+
+<p>"Skip the prelims and get down to facts. I ask you to point out the hall
+we're to give the show in, and you treat me to a ghost story about some
+fellow named Ed McGowan who thinks about putting up one where the boys
+can have a dance, see a show, take part in a slugging match or indulge
+in any other eccentricities too superfluous to enumerate. I confess I
+have been on many wild-goose chases in my somewhat long and varied
+career, but this takes the gingerbread. Now let me ask you frankly, is
+there a hall at all, at all, in the place?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>"Great C&aelig;sar's ghost! What? Don't know? Say, is there an Ed McGowan,
+then? Boss, I'm growin' desperate," and the veteran looked as if he was.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure there is," replied the landlord, with a laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Then for the Lord's sake lead me out of this wilderness of doubt into
+his presence."</p>
+
+<p>Not another word was spoken until they crossed the threshold of Ed
+McGowan's barroom. It differed little from other places of its class,
+save that it had a bigger stove, a greater number of chairs, a more
+extensive counter for business purposes, and a more extensive display of
+glassware reflected in the mammoth mirror.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello, hello, Weston, old fellow! Glad to see you!" was the salutation
+that rang out in a cheery voice after the newcomers had made their
+entry. "What in thunder brings you up to these diggin's?"</p>
+
+<p>McGowan had a playful little way of addressing his friends by the name
+of the places from which they hailed. He was a good specimen of man, and
+could tip the scales at two hundred. Above middle height, he was a big,
+broad-shouldered, deep-chested, bow-windowed, good-natured kind of
+chap&mdash;one who would travel a long distance to do a good turn for a
+friend and travel equally far to get square with a foe. At the time of
+the entrance of the theatrical projectors, big Ed was vigorously
+employed in getting something like a shine or polish on the top of his
+bar.</p>
+
+<p>"Just a minute an' I'll be with you," said the big fellow, after the
+first greetings were exchanged. "Let me get things a bit shipshape an'
+I'll join you," and with that he gave another strenuous sweep of his
+muscular arm along the woodwork. "I want to have things looking trim
+before the night services begin. What's your weakness now, Wes?" he
+added. "A little hot stuff, eh? I thought so. I knew how that
+proposition would strike you. I've got something on hand that'll warm
+the cockles of your heart. Got it in a week ago. It's the real thing&mdash;it
+is. And your friend&mdash;the same? Good. Patsy, make three nice hot Irishes.
+No, not that bottle&mdash;you know the one I mean. J.J. Yes! That's it."</p>
+
+<p>By this time McGowan had completed his arduous labor and joined his
+comrades in front of the bar.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, old man," he said, slapping Weston in a friendly manner on the
+shoulder, "how is the world treating you, anyhow? Ain't you lost a bit
+up here in these diggin's?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I have no kick coming," was the reply. "Mr. McGowan, I want you to
+shake hands with my friend, Mr. Handy, of New York."</p>
+
+<p>"Glad to know Mr. Handy. You hail from the big city, eh? I'm a New
+Yorker myself&mdash;left there some time ago. A good many years have rolled
+on since then. I suppose I'd hardly know the place now. Set them over
+yonder, Patsy, near the stove. Come, boys, sit down. Just as cheap to
+sit as stand, and more comfortable. Well, here's my pious regards, and,
+as my old friend, Major Cullinan used to say, 'May the Lord take a
+liking to us, but not too soon.' New York, eh?" and McGowan's memory
+seemed, at the sound of the name, to wander back to old familiar scenes
+of days gone by.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Handy; "hail from there, but I travel about a good deal."</p>
+
+<p>"A traveling man&mdash;a drummer, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I do play a bit on the drum at times," said Handy, with a smile,
+"but I'm only a poor devil of an actor, if I'm anything."</p>
+
+<p>"An actor, and a New Yorker. Shake again. Put it there," as he extended
+his hand. Then looking at Handy closely for a moment, he turned to
+Weston and said: "Say, Wes, I know this man, though he don't seem to
+know me."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, Mr. McGowan, you have the best of me."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure," responded McGowan. "Well, here's to our noble selves," and the
+trio drained their cups. "An' now, Mr. Handy, to prove my words that I
+know you. You used to spout in the old Bowery Theatre? Ah, I thought so.
+Knew Bill Whalley? Of course you did. Poor Bill&mdash;he's dead. A good
+actor, but a better fellow. He was his own worst friend. And there was
+Eddy. Eddy. Eddy. He was a corker. Yes, he cashed in many years ago.
+Then there was Mrs. W. G. Jones. God bless her! Dead. God rest her soul.
+She was the salt of the earth. And what has become of J. B. Studley?
+Wasn't he a dandy, though, in Indian war plays? You bet! Jim McCloskey,
+I think, used to fix them up for him. And will you ever forget G.
+L.&mdash;Fox, I mean. There never was his equal in funny characters, and as a
+pantomimist no one ever took his place. They tell me the old spout shop
+is now turned into a Yiddish theatre. Well! well! well! How times are
+changed! I suppose the fellows I knew in days gone by are changed
+too&mdash;those of them that remain, I mean. The ones that are dead I know
+are."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," replied Handy, "you'd find New York a much changed city since
+then. It was, I believe, Dutch originally; then for a time the Irish had
+a hack at it; but all the nations of the earth having sent in their
+contributions of all sorts and sizes and tongues, it's purty hard now to
+make out what it is."</p>
+
+<p>"Wonders will never stop ceasing, will they? Well, Wes"&mdash;and Big Ed
+turned and directed his attention to the landlord&mdash;"what did you come up
+here for? You came up after something. What's the little game? Want to
+buy land?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. I'll tell you. Our friend here, Mr. Handy, at my suggestion, made
+this visit with me to see you on a little speculation of our own. Mr.
+Handy a week&mdash;not quite a week ago&mdash;came out to my town with a
+theatrical troupe to show for a week. The company played one night, when
+the staress grew tired and quit after the first heat and went home to
+mother. This brought the season to a premature close."</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing particularly new in that," answered McGowan; "but continue."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, under the circumstances we&mdash;Mr. Handy and myself&mdash;got our heads
+together and came to the conclusion to run up here and have a talk with
+you and see if we couldn't make some arrangements to bring the company
+up and give a show."</p>
+
+<p>"I see. That's the racket, eh? Where did you propose to give it?"</p>
+
+<p>"In that new hall of yours, of course."</p>
+
+<p>"My new hall, eh?" replied McGowan, in surprise, and laughing. "Why,
+Wes, the gol-darned thing ain't built yet, but the men are at work on
+it. If it was ready I'd like nothin' better than inauguratin' the place
+with a show, for between ourselves I'm a bit stuck on theatre-acting
+myself. I'm sorry. The carpenters started in over a week ago and this is
+Tuesday."</p>
+
+<p>"And is there no other place?"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me see. No, I don't think so. Kaufman's barn was burned down last
+week, so you couldn't storm that now. Siegel's wouldn't be just the
+place, and, besides, they have other cattle there now, so that's out of
+the question. You might get a loan of the church&mdash;no, the church is not
+a church. We only call it so for respectability's sake. It is used for
+almost any old thing on week days, and on Sunday a dominie from an
+adjoining parish tackles sermons once in a while. But then, I hardly
+think it would suit. But hold on a minute&mdash;when did you expect to come
+here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we thought of getting here Saturday night."</p>
+
+<p>"Saturday night!" exclaimed McGowan, in surprise. "Why didn't you say so
+at first?"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Saturday night! Why, I thought you meant to descend on us to-morrow
+night. 'Nuff sed. Say no more. The academy will be ready for you."</p>
+
+<p>"The what?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music will be ready for inauguration
+by a company of distinguished actors&mdash;all stars, more or less&mdash;from the
+principal theatres of the metropolis&mdash;next Saturday night," replied Big
+Ed in a grandiloquent outburst.</p>
+
+<p>"You don't mean it, Ed?" said the Weston landlord, somewhat amazed at
+the suggestion.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't be did," said Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't, eh?" remarked McGowan, with a smile of contempt on his cheery
+face. "You don't know Gotown, my friend. Come here," he continued, as he
+rose from his chair and moved toward the door and motioned his friends
+to follow. "It is purty dark outside, but no matter about that. Look out
+yonder and tell me what you see?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not much of anything now, but the faint outlines of a bunch of houses,
+cranes, derricks, and things, and a lot of lights," replied Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"Right you are in what you say. Now listen to me and hear what I have to
+say. Had you stood on this same spot you are now standing on, a year
+since, and in broad daylight, the only thing you'd have seen, barrin'
+the ground, would be the cattle in the field&mdash;and darned few of them, at
+that&mdash;and a few houses here and there, miles apart. A year ago, my
+friend, lacking a few days, Gotown didn't exist. Isn't what I'm tellin'
+him true, Myles?" said the speaker, appealing for corroboration of his
+statement to one who was evidently a steady patron of the McGowan
+establishment, and who was about to enter.</p>
+
+<p>"That's about the size of the truth of it. A year ago, come next
+Saturday night, we christened her, all right, all right."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that you said?" asked Handy, suddenly brightening up. "A year
+ago, did you say? Christopher Columbus! if we only had a place to show
+in we could celebrate the centennial anniversary of Gotown."</p>
+
+<p>His hearers burst into laughter, and Big Ed concluded that the way Handy
+took in the situation was worthy of a treat on the house, to which the
+newcomer, Myles O'Hara, was specially invited.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Myles," inquired the boss, as they stood in front of the bar, "how
+long will it take to finish the Academy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Inside and outside?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. Both. Complete."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that depinds. As Rafferty has the contract, I should say three
+days."</p>
+
+<p>"Three days!" exclaimed Handy and his friend from Weston.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm spakin'!" replied Myles, in a consequential manner. "An' be the
+same token, I know what I'm talkin' about. Three days sure, an' mind
+yez, Ed, I don't say that bekase I work for Rafferty. I'm not that kind
+of a man."</p>
+
+<p>"An' make a good job of it?" asked McGowan.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he may not give you much gingerbread work in the shape of
+decorations, but you'll have a dacint-lookin' house enuff for an academy
+of music."</p>
+
+<p>"Ed," interposed the man from Weston, "if you could only get the place
+ready, what a Jim Dandy house-warming we'd have, in addition to the
+celebration commemorating the birthday of the town! Do you think the job
+can be put through on schedule time?"</p>
+
+<p>This made Myles a trifle irritated. "Arrah, what are yez spakin' about?
+Look-a here, me frind, I'm givin' ye no ghost story. Didn't Rafferty put
+up ould Judge Flaherty's house inside of a week, and moved in the day it
+was finished, an' thin have a wake there the next evening," argued
+Myles, by the way of a clincher to his argument.</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Myles, I know you know what men can do if it comes to a
+pinch," responded Big Ed, somewhat nervously. "But let me ask you, could
+a stage be put in the hall for the opening?"</p>
+
+<p>"A stage&mdash;do yez main an omnibus?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't mean no omnibus," replied the big fellow, with a humorous
+twinkle in his eye.</p>
+
+<p>"A scaffoldin', thin, I persume ye main," continued Myles.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, darn it, no! I mean a stage&mdash;a stage for acting on."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I see now. I comprehind. A stage for show actors," replied O'Hara,
+as if a sudden light had dawned upon his not particularly brilliant
+imagination. "Let me ask yez, what's the matter with a few impty
+beer-kegs standing up ag'in' the wall, an' in the middle, with beams
+stretched acrost them and fastened on with tin-pinny nails, and afther
+that some nice clain boords nailed on the top ov thim? Wouldn't thim be
+good enuff for show actin'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't say another word, Myles," said McGowan. Then turning to Handy and
+his friend: "We'll guarantee to have everything all right on time, so
+far as the academy is concerned, and if you fellows do the rest and
+provide and arrange the entertainment, we'll make Gotown hum on Saturday
+night."</p>
+
+<p>"You mean it, eh?" asked Weston.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm chirpin', I am," replied McGowan.</p>
+
+<p>"Next Saturday night?" inquired Myles.</p>
+
+<p>"Sure."</p>
+
+<p>"It's payday, too."</p>
+
+<p>"So it is," said McGowan cheerily.</p>
+
+<p>"An' yez know what payday means in a new town wid a show on the spot."</p>
+
+<p>"I should say I did."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, as I was about to say," continued Myles, "wid an entertainment on
+hand, indepindint of its bein' the anniversary to commimorate the
+foundashon of the place, I think Gotown will make a record for herself
+on that occasion."</p>
+
+<p>"Myles, you've a great head," laughingly suggested Big Ed, at the same
+time slapping the speaker playfully on the shoulder. "Wouldn't you like
+to take a hand in the entertainment yourself, with Mr. Handy's consent,
+and make an opening address?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ed McGowan, ye're very kind, but spakin' is not my stronghowld; but let
+me be afther tellin' yez I kin howld me own wid the best of 'em, no
+matter where they're from, in the line of a bit of dancin'," and O'Hara
+stepped out on the floor and illustrated his story with a few fancy
+steps of an Irish jig which made an instantaneous hit with the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>McGowan laughed outright and applauded; Weston joined him in
+appreciative merriment, while Handy merely contented himself with a
+smile, as he was mentally absorbed in a study of Myles O'Hara. Handy was
+a man of emergencies. He thought quickly and acted promptly. He rarely
+missed a point he could turn to advantage. He fancied he saw in Myles
+O'Hara an auxiliary that might prove valuable. Handy's company was weak
+in terpsichorean talent, and he determined to strengthen it by securing
+local talent through the services of the representative from Gotown.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. O'Hara," said Handy, addressing Myles, "did I understand you to say
+that you were something of a dancer?"</p>
+
+<p>"That you did, sir; an' so was my father afore me, God rest his sowl!
+Let me tell yez that at sixty-eight years the owld man was as light on
+his feet as a two-year-owld."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, Mr. O'Hara, might I take the liberty to suggest that in honor of
+the day we are going to celebrate you will give your friends an
+exhibition of your skill at our entertainment next Saturday night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Arrah, what the divil do you take me for? Is it a show actor you want
+to make out of me, I dunno?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, indeed, Mr. O'Hara!" replied Handy, in his most complaisant
+manner of speech. "I would not undertake that job. But I thought on that
+eventful occasion&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And," broke in McGowan, "if you do, it will make you solid with the
+boys. You know they like you purty well as it is, but when they hear you
+are going to take part in the anniversary entertainment you can have
+anything you want from them."</p>
+
+<p>"Are yez sayrious, I dunno, at all, at all?" inquired Myles, somewhat
+dubiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Am I?" responded McGowan. "Now, Myles, you know I have always had a
+great regard for you, and do you think I'd speak as I have done unless I
+was in earnest?"</p>
+
+<p>O'Hara reflected a moment, then turning to McGowan, said: "Ed, look-a
+here."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Myles, what is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bethune ourselves, an' on the level, what d'ye think the owld woman
+would say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Be tickled to death over it."</p>
+
+<p>"An' the childer&mdash;what about thim?"</p>
+
+<p>"They'd be no standin' 'em. Why, man alive, they'd be as proud as
+peacocks."</p>
+
+<p>"D'ye think so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Think so, no; I know so, sure!"</p>
+
+<p>"That settles it. Say, Mr. Handy,"&mdash;addressing the manager,&mdash;"have yez a
+good fiddler that can play Irish chunes?"</p>
+
+<p>At this juncture Weston took a hand in the discussion, and, with an
+anxious desire to solve the musical problem, suggested: "We'll fix that
+all right, all right, as we intend to have the Weston Philharmonic
+Handel and Hayden Society&mdash;I think that's the name of the union&mdash;to
+operate as an orchestra, and Herr Heintzleman, the leader, who is a
+corking good fiddler, will play the dance music for you."</p>
+
+<p>"Heintzleman!" repeated Myles, in apparent disgust. "No, sur! No
+Heintzleman for mine. Not much! What! Have a Pennsylvania Dutchman play
+an Irish jig for me? Arrah, what the divil are yez all dreamin' about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on, Myles, hold on! Don't get mad. Keep yer shirt on," interposed
+McGowan, as a peacemaker. "Myles, you and Dinny Dempsey, the blind
+piper, used to be good friends. Now, suppose we get Dinny. How will he
+suit you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Now yez are spakin' something like rayson, Ed McGowan. If Dinny Dimpsey
+does the piping work, I'll do the dancin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Is that a go, Myles?"</p>
+
+<p>"There's me hand on it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then Dempsey will be hired specially for you, even if I have to put up
+for him myself."</p>
+
+<p>"But he must come on the flure wid me."</p>
+
+<p>"Sure, Myles."</p>
+
+<p>"An' another thing, he must come on sober. I won't shake a leg or do a
+step if Dinny has any drink in him beforehand. Yez had betther
+understhand that."</p>
+
+<p>"That's a go. I promise you shall have Dempsey, and, what's more, I
+guarantee he will not have a sup of anything until after the show; but
+after the show is over he can have all he can conveniently put under his
+skin."</p>
+
+<p>This brought the preliminary proceedings to an end. By the way of
+closing the bargain, all hands, on the invitation of the proprietor,
+stepped up to the bar and made another attack on McGowan's best. The
+evening was drawing to a close; night had set in, and Handy and Weston,
+having finished their business, were anxious to get away. Gotown was a
+short distance from the railroad station. After they had lighted their
+cigars they were ready to start homeward bound.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on a minute and I'll walk over with you to the train."</p>
+
+<p>Patsy came from behind the bar and helped the boss on with his coat, and
+the three started away.</p>
+
+<p>On their way across lots they talked of many things appertaining to the
+forthcoming entertainment.</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, Mr. McGowan," said Handy, "is there any danger about the
+hall not being ready for us on Saturday night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Make your mind easy on that score," replied McGowan, with confidence.
+"When I get back to the store and give it out that I must have the hall
+finished by noon on Saturday, in order to celebrate properly and in
+A-No. 1 style the anniversary with a show at night, why, man alive! I'll
+have more men to go to work to-morrow morning than would be wanted to
+finish two Gotown Metropolitan Academies of Music in the time specified.
+Yes, sir; when I tell you a thing like that you can bank on it. You
+don't know me yet, Mr. Handy. But see here, I won't promise to furnish
+the scenery and other fixin's. Another thing, we don't go much on paint
+up here. Ain't got no time to waste over ornamentation yet, but I
+suppose we'll have that weakness in due time. So you'll have to fix all
+trimmin's yourselves. Yez needn't be too particular. We'll have to make
+allowance for that. Give the boys plenty of fun and life and they'll
+excuse the pictures and gingerbread. If the acting is good and strong
+you need have no fear. It is only when the acting is weak and of an
+inferior quality that fine clothes and grand painted scenery is
+necessary to cover it up. At least them's my sentiments. You must have
+some stuff down in your town, Wes, in the theatre that'll help us out?"</p>
+
+<p>"That'll be all right. I'll attend to that part of the job," replied
+Wes.</p>
+
+<p>"Is there any particular style of entertainment you would suggest?"
+inquired Handy.</p>
+
+<p>"No," answered Big Ed. "No, so long as it is good, plain, old-fashioned
+acting, it will be all right. Only don't attempt to give us any of the
+new style, the bread and butter and milk and water kind of thing they
+are dealing out in the theatres in the big cities these days. Let me put
+you wise. We don't go much on style&mdash;we believe in the simple life. But
+whatever you act, give it to them good and strong. Well, here we are and
+here's your train. Got your tickets? Yes! All right. Skip aboard.
+Saturday morning I'll be on the look-out for you. So long! Good-night!
+Safe home!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXII" id="CHAPTER_XXII"></a>CHAPTER XXII</h2>
+
+<h3>"Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or vaudeville where
+you find no great meanings?"</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">George Eliot.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>When Handy and his pro tem landlord arrived in Weston they discovered
+the ever-faithful Smith at the station awaiting them. He had been on the
+look-out for over an hour. As he had nothing in particular to occupy his
+mind, the railroad station was as interesting a place as any he could
+find in which to loiter. The evening was not particularly agreeable;
+Smith, however, did not mind a little thing like that. He could stand
+it; besides, he was most anxious to meet his manager immediately and
+ascertain what the future promised from actual and personal observation.
+He was pleased when the train rolled in and the two advance men
+alighted. Few words were exchanged between Smith and his principal, but
+few as they were, he was convinced that the visit to Gotown was
+satisfactory. The trio reached the hotel in time for a substantial
+supper. That disposed of, and when the dishes were cleared away, Handy
+began to unburden himself:</p>
+
+<p>"I wish to see the members of the company to-night, Smith, and have a
+talk with them. We have secured the opening night in a brand-new house
+next Saturday night&mdash;the Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music. Don't
+look surprised. It is a fact. The place isn't quite completed yet, and
+may not be altogether finished when we open it. However, that cuts no
+ice, for I never in my experience found a newly built theatre to be
+altogether ready at the time it was announced to open&mdash;but the place
+opened, just the same."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it really a new house, Handy?" inquired Smith, somewhat in doubt.</p>
+
+<p>"It will be when it is finished."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you seen the builder's designs? What kind of a place is it,
+anyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>"Designs be hanged! No. They build without plans in Gotown. The place is
+growing so almighty fast they have no time to waste preparing plans or
+designs. The builder thinks them out as he works along."</p>
+
+<p>"But there's a hall?" inquired Smith, doubtingly as before.</p>
+
+<p>"I told you," replied Handy, a little vexed, "it isn't there yet, but we
+will find it there when we arrive. Don't you want to risk it, Smith?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I want to go, but there are some who hesitate."</p>
+
+<p>"Who are they?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'd sooner you would find it out from themselves."</p>
+
+<p>"That's it, eh? Mutineers on board. Well, all I can say is they can fly
+the coop at once, and take the next train back." At this point a knock
+was heard at the door and three members of the company entered. "Ah,
+good-evening, gentlemen!" said Handy blandly. "Be seated."</p>
+
+<p>Then in his own peculiar manner he described his visit to Gotown, the
+kind of a place it was, and the prospects of the proposed venture. They
+listened attentively to his story. When he informed them that to the
+company was given the distinguished privilege of opening the new
+establishment, they signified their willingness to take chances. There
+was one, however, who showed the white feather. From his manner it was
+evident he was the one disturbing element in the otherwise harmonious
+organization. He exhibited his ill-concealed contempt of the scheme by
+smirks, smiles, and shrugs. He could hardly be considered an actor. His
+best attempts at acting were bad&mdash;at times they reached the limit. Off
+the stage he was a snob by affiliation and a gossiper by inclination. He
+drifted into the profession on the tide of his own vanity and continued
+in the lower ranks through the merit of his complete unfitness to
+advance a rung higher. There are many of his kind in every calling.</p>
+
+<p>"I wish to say one thing right here and now," said Handy, and with
+firmness. "I want no unwilling volunteers, and I am not offering
+bounties. This Gotown venture promises well. I told you what I could and
+would do if things panned out all right, and what I would do, anyhow, no
+matter how things went. I think from my standpoint the proposition is a
+fair one. You are the best judges from your point. Anyone who don't wish
+to go, needn't. That's all."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," replied Smith promptly and cheerfully, "I guess if you can stand
+it, we can; at least I speak for myself."</p>
+
+<p>Those present, except the individual indicated, coincided with Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"May I inquire," asked the member of the company indicated, "what manner
+of entertainment you propose to present at this a&mdash;a&mdash;Gotown place, Mr.
+Handy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly you may," answered Handy calmly. "It will be one in which
+there is no part for you, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only this: Gotown or no Gotown, you are not in it. I have been studying
+your actions for some time. As an actor, we can dispense with your
+services. There is no position in this company for disturbers or
+gossipers."</p>
+
+<p>"I think this is the&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Handy continued, not paying the slightest attention to the speaker's
+interruption: "The next train leaves at 10:13 for the city&mdash;about an
+hour from now. Your ticket will be given you at the station, and you can
+leave here. You are no longer a member of this company."</p>
+
+<p>This episode, instead of weakening Handy in the estimation of his
+people, tended rather to strengthen him. It proved that he could wield
+power when he considered it necessary to do so. Notwithstanding that the
+departing one was unpopular with his associates, he had managed through
+insinuating manners and slippery speech to create petty dissensions.
+After he departed he was voted very much of a bore by those who
+remained. Handy, on the contrary, did not even once refer to the
+subject. The act he considered from a purely business standpoint. He had
+matters on hand of greater moment to engross his attention.</p>
+
+<p>All told, his company numbered seven acting members. He had no advance
+man or press agent. He did not need either. Weston he made business
+manager&mdash;he himself was director in general and actor in particular. So
+far everything was all right. What puzzled him most was the class of
+entertainment he had to supply. His company was not such as he
+considered an adaptable one; it was not such as he had when he made the
+descent on Newport. The dwarf was not there; neither was Nibsy&mdash;both
+valuable people from a strolling player's standpoint. It is true he had
+his loyal friend Smith, and Smith could be relied upon for any
+emergency. With the ability of the remaining members of his troupe he
+was comparatively unacquainted. In no way disheartened, he determined to
+do the best he could. A scene from one play and an act from another,
+with a liberal sprinkling of songs and dances and monologues sandwiched
+in between the so-called dramatic portions, he concluded, would be as
+good a bill of fare as he could supply. This, with the assistance of the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Orchestra, ought to in all reason satisfy
+Gotown and its audience.</p>
+
+<p>"We are not so all-fired badly fixed, after all, Smith, old boy," said
+Handy, in his customary optimistic manner, as they sat together
+reviewing the situation. "With seven people we can attempt almost any
+practical play. We played, you remember, 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' with that
+number. We also got away with 'Monte Cristo' with seven. Of course it
+wasn't as well done as James O'Neill does it, but that's another
+question. Let me see! How many did we have when we presented 'Around the
+World in Eighty Days'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fourteen," quickly responded Smith, "but that included a grand ballet."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, that's so! So it did," said Handy, "but we lost money on that
+venture. There's nothing in these big companies. Small, compact, but
+strong utility companies win every time. Charley Frohman will tell you
+the same thing."</p>
+
+<p>"Seven is none too many for our work, Handy."</p>
+
+<p>"No. It's about the proper figure. With judicious and intelligent
+doubling, a good manager might tackle almost anything. Say, Smith, did
+you ever have a shy at <i>Richmond</i>, in 'Richard III'?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I should smile," responded Smith, with a delighted expression on
+his face. "<i>Richmond!</i> one of my best roles. Say! How is this," and
+immediately he struck a theatrical attitude and began: "Thus far into
+the bowels of the land have we marched on without impediment; Gloster,
+the&mdash;&mdash;'"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold! Let up right where you are," interrupted Handy. "I know the rest.
+Say, Smith, my boy,"&mdash;and the manager looked earnestly at the would-be
+<i>Richmond</i>&mdash;"I am going to give you the opportunity of your life."</p>
+
+<p>"How's that?"</p>
+
+<p>"We will present for the first time only the great fifth act of 'Richard
+III' out of compliment to the people of Gotown, and you will be the
+<i>Richmond</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, come off!" answered Smith. "Why, darn it, man! 'Richard' will be
+all Greek to them&mdash;the Gotown public don't know anything about
+Shakespeare. Maybe never heard tell of him."</p>
+
+<p>"But they will know all about him after we introduce him. But that has
+nothing to do with the case. Now let me enlighten you. I am afraid you
+don't catch on to the situation. I will explain: Don't you see
+<i>Richmond's</i> first speech, 'Thus far into the bowels of the land,' is
+typical of the miner. He makes his living by driving into the bowels of
+the land, don't he?"</p>
+
+<p>"You bet he does, and good money, too," answered Smith enthusiastically.</p>
+
+<p>"Into the bowels of the land, or earth, as the case may be, have we
+marched on without impediment." Handy paused here for a moment to catch
+his wandering thoughts in order to explain his text. "You see, Smith,
+<i>Richmond</i> marched on without impediment. So does the miner at first,
+when he has only to wrestle with the soil, sub-soil, and all that kind
+of thing. Then comes Gloster, the bloody and devouring boar, typified
+again by the hard and flinty rock the miner frequently encounters. For a
+time there's a fierce struggle between <i>Richard</i>, as represented by the
+rock, and <i>Richmond</i>, as personified by the miner. It's about an even
+bet as to who wins out. The play all over; don't you see? There's a
+purty lively scrimmage between the two. 'Tis nip and tuck for a time. At
+length <i>Richard</i> caves in, and <i>Richmond</i> wins out. So with the miner,
+the rock resists, then finally yields, and after that the milk and honey
+of enterprise in the shape of liquid oil flows forth. Am I clear or
+crude, dear boy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Both!" exclaimed Smith, holding up both hands. "Handy, why in the name
+of heaven were you not born rich instead of great?"</p>
+
+<p>"Smith," continued Handy, "you will be the miner, I the rock&mdash;<i>Richmond</i>
+and <i>Richard</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Handy, you ought to print a diagram to explain the act. The audience
+may not be able to understand it if you don't."</p>
+
+<p>"Map of the seat of war, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure."</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, did you ever look over a war map in any of the newspapers that
+had special correspondents on the spot?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I did."</p>
+
+<p>"And read his description of the scene of action?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, of course."</p>
+
+<p>"And scan the scare headlines, telegraphic accounts of the battle, split
+up and continued into different parts of the paper?"</p>
+
+<p>"Took in the whole shootin' match!"</p>
+
+<p>"And after reading all this fine descriptive work did you chance to cast
+your eagle eye over the editorial columns?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. Generally I give the editorial
+comments a rest."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, let me ask you, after studying the war maps, and the
+diagrams, and the big heads, and telegraphic dispatches, and our own
+specials, etc., etc., and so forth, what conclusion did you come to on
+the subject?"</p>
+
+<p>"That there was a big battle fought somewhere in which there were many
+killed and wounded, perhaps."</p>
+
+<p>"Now in a few words you tell the whole story, and you tell it well and
+without illustrations or diagrams, and without any unnecessary frills by
+the way of editorials. So will we give the fight to a finish on Bosworth
+Field without any pictorial work. We'll just give it."</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis your idea, then, to give the act simply with the combat without
+explanation?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not exactly in the way you put it."</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Handy, an idea strikes me. What do you say to the suggestion of
+doing the combat scene with two-ounce gloves. A great scheme, eh? Don't
+you think so? 'Twould be modernizing the piece and bring it down to
+date."</p>
+
+<p>"Shades of Shakespeare, angels and ministers of graces defend us! Smith,
+Smith, my boy, don't talk tommy-rot! Gloves instead of swords! Go to.
+Don't you know, my friend, that a glove fight might leave <i>Richmond</i>
+open to a challenge from some ambitious and undeveloped Gotown pugilist,
+and then where would we be&mdash;I mean you? Oh, no! But I tell you what
+wouldn't be altogether out of place."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, let us hear it."</p>
+
+<p>"We might be able to impress some young limb of the law, in the shape of
+a lawyer, into the service, who no doubt might, after a brief study of
+Professor John Phinn's vocabulary of Shakespeare, be willing to go on
+and tell who <i>Richard</i> and <i>Richmond</i> were in their day, and how
+<i>Richard</i> got the stuffin' knocked out of him because he was crooked and
+a tyrant and a monopolist. And, moreover, as all lawyers like to show
+off in the spouting line, when they get the chance, he might say a good
+word or two for the immortal Bard of Avon. Not that Shakespeare wants
+it, but merely as an evidence of good faith."</p>
+
+<p>"Bully! The more I see of you, Handy, the more convinced I am of your
+remarkable genius."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's all right, Smith. Now, then, let me ask you. Can Daisey De
+Vere"&mdash;the only woman remaining of the company&mdash;"sing and dance?"</p>
+
+<p>"She has ability and she is willing to stand by us."</p>
+
+<p>"Has she the experience?"</p>
+
+<p>"Plenty of it, such as it is. And she's anxious for more if she gets the
+show. Besides, Daisey is a good, straight girl, and these are the kind,
+I am sorry to say, that have the toughest time in getting ahead, but
+when one of them gets there it's all smooth sailing afterwards. Yes,
+Daisey can do anything and everything a decent girl can try to do. You
+can't faize her. You may put her down for anything to help out. She's
+been there before."</p>
+
+<p>"What kind of a voice has she&mdash;a singing voice, I mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"That depends."</p>
+
+<p>"Depends on what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, if she is going to sing in girls' duds, she's a
+contralto; but then, if she has to do her stunt in boys' clothes, she is
+a female barytone."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, she knows a trick or two," said Handy, smiling. "She must have
+traveled some."</p>
+
+<p>"You bet. She's a traveler for fair. She will go anywhere, and she's at
+home wherever she lands. She has one trunk in Chicago, another in
+Cincinnati, a valise in Buffalo, a grip in St. Louis, and other ventures
+she has in safe-keeping for her elsewhere. Her parents live in
+Chillicothe. She has a brother in Frisco, an aunt in New Orleans, an
+Uncle in Boston, an&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold, for pity sake!" interrupted Handy. "Let up! I don't want to have
+a geographical inventory of the girl's parents, relatives, and personal
+effects to ascertain what she can do histrionically."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," replied Smith, somewhat nettled, "you can make up your mind she
+has wide experience."</p>
+
+<p>"I should say so. With trunks and relatives waiting for her like open
+dates all over the country in most of the big cities, I guess Gotown
+won't scare her. There is one point, however, I can put you wise on&mdash;she
+will leave no trunk behind her in Gotown."</p>
+
+<p>"You never can tell in advance, Handy; you were always optimistic. Why
+can't she, if she has a fad in that direction?"</p>
+
+<p>"Simply, my friend, because there ain't a hotel in the place, that's
+why."</p>
+
+<p>"What!" cried Smith, in amazement, "no liquor stores in Gotown?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say that. I said there were no hotels."</p>
+
+<p>"What's the difference? Don't you know there are no saloons in New York
+now? They are all hotels. The law is strict on that score, and if Gotown
+is regulated on the same plan and there are no hotels, I'm beginning to
+have my doubts. Say, old man, this is no prohibition colony you're
+steering us up against, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>Handy looked at Smith in mild surprise and without moving a muscle of
+his face; but there was a quiet meaning in his eye that spoke more
+forcibly than mere words. At length he broke the silence.</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, I'm afraid you are not well. Get thee to bed. Rest your
+altogether too active brain. The Pennsylvania air is a little too much
+for you. I can get along without further assistance. Good-night! See me
+in the morning."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIII" id="CHAPTER_XXIII"></a>CHAPTER XXIII</h2>
+
+<h3>"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">As You Like It.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>Handy and Smith parted for the night, and then the veteran set to work
+to concoct one of these very remarkable programmes for which his name
+had become more or less famous in different parts of the country. It is
+true he was considerably perplexed over the difficulties that confronted
+him. Perplexities, difficulties, and Handy were old acquaintances,
+however. They had met many a time and oft in the past, and he had
+weathered the storm and as a rule came out a winner. It was hardly
+possible that his customary good fortune would desert him on this trying
+occasion. With the sole exception of Smith, he was absolutely
+unacquainted with the theatric abilities of his company or how far he
+could rely on them to carry into effect his stage directions. Daisey de
+Vere, judging from the elaborate characteristic account Smith had given
+of her, rather appealed to him. He felt satisfied she would fill her
+place in the bill of the play, come what might. She had to. From the
+diagnosis furnished by his lieutenant he thought she would pan out all
+right. He knew he wasn't going to offer an entertainment to a houseful
+of metropolitan first-nighters, with attendant critics from the
+newspapers to display their erudition next morning in cold type and hot
+words. He already considered Daisey as a chip of the old block.</p>
+
+<p>It was well into the night when the indefatigable manager got through
+with his pen, which at best was a work of labor to him&mdash;and hard labor
+at that. It is only fair to admit that he had meager theatric resources
+to draw upon and be able in any way to whip it into shape to fit the
+exigencies of the approaching occasion. He derived considerable
+comforting consolation from the reflection that Gotown was virgin soil
+upon which he was called upon to operate theatrically. As the result of
+pondering with his brain and manipulating with his pen, he succeeded in
+evolving a draft of a programme as mixed and varied as might be expected
+from the all-star company gathered together at short notice for a
+benefit or testimonial for some popular unfortunate player&mdash;with several
+loopholes for such changes, alterations, additions, subtractions,
+multiplications, and divisions as might suggest themselves or be forced
+upon him later on. From the coinage of his active brain he succeeded in
+bringing forth and committing to paper something like the following as
+his programme for the inauguration and opening night of the Gotown
+Metropolitan Academy of Music:</p>
+
+
+<h4>IMPORTANT NOTICE</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Come One&mdash;Come All&mdash;Be On Hand</span><br /></h4>
+
+<h4>GOTOWN METROPOLITAN ACADEMY OF MUSIC<br /></h4>
+
+<h4>Proprietor and Owner............ Mr. Ed. McGowan<br /></h4>
+
+<h4>Mr. McGowan takes pleasure in announcing that he has engaged<br />
+the celebrated Actor-Manager, Mr. Sellers<br />
+Micawber Handy, and his talented company<br />
+of performers to appear</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Next Saturday Evening</span></h4>
+
+<h4>To celebrate the anniversary of the founding of</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Gotown</span></h4>
+
+<h4>By the official inauguration of the<br />
+<span class="smcap">Metropolitan Academy of Music</span></h4>
+
+<h4>To make the event worthy of this occasion<br />
+this highly talented and distinguished bunch<br />
+will be presented under the direction of Mr. Handy</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">In a Variegated Program</span></h4>
+
+<h4>Made up of selections from undeniably good sources, ancient<br />
+and modern. In consequence of the length and richness<br />
+of the Bill, details will not be given out<br />
+until the night of the Show. It may be mentioned, however, that</h4>
+
+<h4><i>Singing and Dancing</i></h4>
+
+<h4>as well as Acting in all the various departments of Tragedy,<br />
+Comedy, Burlesque, Grand Opera, etc., etc., will be<br />
+introduced in the most approved and up-to-date<br />
+style that circumstances will permit</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">Local Celebrities</span></h4>
+
+<h4>Have generously volunteered their valuable services to lend a hand and do something</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="smcap">List of Prices</span></h4>
+
+<table>
+<tr><td><b>First half of the house, with seats</b> </td><td><b>$1.00</b></td></tr>
+<tr><td><b>Second half, back to the wall</b> </td><td><b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;.50</b></td></tr>
+<tr><td><b>Seats in the windows, with steps to get at them </b></td><td><b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;.50</b></td></tr>
+<tr><td><b>Seats in the balcony, first two rows</b> </td><td><b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;.75</b></td></tr>
+<tr><td><b>General admission, with a chance for a seat</b> </td><td><b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;.25</b></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<h4>Tickets in advance may be purchased beforehand at<br />
+Ed. McGowan's Spiritual Emporium</h4>
+
+<h4>Tickets bought of speculators on the outside will be refused at the door</h4>
+
+<h4>The entertainment will start at 8 o'clock and wind up when
+the audience have all they want</h4>
+
+<h4>P. S.&mdash;Don't miss this chance, for it will be the only anniversary<br />
+of its kind with which Gotown will be honored in a long time to come.</h4>
+
+<h4><i>The Weston Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society will handle the Music</i></h4>
+
+
+<p>After Handy had finished his herculean labor in concocting this
+extraordinary playbill, he leaned back in his chair and read and reread
+it over and over again, to assure himself it was all right. Then with
+the consciousness that he had done his duty, he lay down to rest for a
+few hours to recuperate before he again took up the thread of that busy
+life which, though at times it brought him sore trials and tribulations,
+never appeared to have robbed him of that measure of contentment and
+cheerfulness with his lot which was his chief characteristic in
+sustaining him through the temporary storms of adversity which he
+encountered.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXIV" id="CHAPTER_XXIV"></a>CHAPTER XXIV</h2>
+
+<h3>"There's nothing to be got nowadays unless thou can'st fish for it."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Pericles Prince of Tyre.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>The following day was a busy one in thought and action. Notwithstanding
+the disposition and energy of the Gotown proprietor in getting the
+Academy of Music ready, there were many things to be considered apart
+from the mere putting up of the structure itself. And these were as
+necessary as the house proper. In the first place, there was not a
+stitch of canvas prepared for the scenery; the lighting of the house had
+to be considered, and the arrangements for the seating had not been
+mentioned. These were some of the perplexities that confronted Handy.</p>
+
+<p>The first thing he did to prepare himself for the work before him was to
+take a bath. He was a great believer in hygiene, and cold water for
+bathing purposes he considered the best of medicines. The bath taken, he
+sat down to a good plain and substantial meal, with an appetite to enjoy
+it. Then, after carefully loading his briarwood, he summoned his man
+Friday for consultation.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, Smith, we have some work ahead this trip, I can tell you,
+and no mistake; and I hardly know where to begin. Anyhow, call a
+rehearsal for one o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>"A what! A rehearsal?" replied Smith, amazed. "A rehearsal&mdash;rehearsal of
+what, and may I inquire where?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's so," said Handy thoughtfully. "That's so. Never mind putting up
+the call, or better still, go and see the members of the company and
+tell them to be ready for the call. I'll decide later what I want them
+to do."</p>
+
+<p>The next move of the veteran was to call on the manager of the Weston
+Theatre to see if he could have the use of the stage for the afternoon.
+He found he could not, as the company then playing there wanted it for
+the rehearsal of a new play they had in rehearsal. If the next day would
+suit, the stage was at his disposal. This was an agreeable surprise to
+Handy. It suited him much better, as it gave him a little more time to
+think over the bill he should present at Gotown. He hastened to the
+hotel and instructed Smith to call the people for rehearsal at the
+Weston Theatre at eleven o'clock next forenoon.</p>
+
+<p>This piece of business off his mind, he sought his partner in the Gotown
+venture, to ascertain about the Handel and Hayden Philharmonic. Weston
+had just returned from a visit to Herr Anton Wagner, the leader and
+president of the society.</p>
+
+<p>"I have just parted with the boss of the spielers," said Weston, "and I
+am a bit disappointed. I don't think we can get them to do the street
+parade stunt, but for the night job they will be all O. K."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean by the street parade stunt?" inquired Handy, in some
+surprise. "That's a new one on me."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I thought it would be a great scheme if we could get the Phillies
+to get out their wind instruments and play a few tunes through the main
+street from the station up to the new Academy the afternoon of the show.
+You know I have a couple of dozen army overcoats in the storeroom. The
+spielers could wear them. Then when they got to the Academy they could
+shed their street armor, hide their wind instruments, and start in on
+the string instruments in their glad rags."</p>
+
+<p>Handy smiled, and asked: "How did you succeed?"</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't work the street racket."</p>
+
+<p>"Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because the men had to work at their regular jobs. Wagner is a
+shoemaker. He works the trombone in the streets and the bull fiddle
+under cover. The man that works the cornet in the outside operates the
+fiddle on the inside, and he's a dandy at it. He's a tailor, and a good
+one. He made the coat that's on my back; the man that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on. That's enough!" broke in Handy. "I'm just as well pleased you
+didn't get them to do that street stunt. But you are sure there will be
+no disappointment for the night's performance?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure. They are all anxious to go. But Herr Wagner wants his name to be
+mentioned on the bills as leader and president of the Handel and Hayden
+Philharmonic Society."</p>
+
+<p>"All right. He will have a line on the bills."</p>
+
+<p>"He gave me a pointer, too, and asked me to speak to you about it."</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"The man that works the fiddle,&mdash;Wagner calls him his first violin,&mdash;is
+an Irishman. His name is Nick Cullen in the shop, but when he tackles
+the fiddle in public he is known as Signor Nicola Collenso. If you give
+him a place on the programme you can put him down for a violin solo on
+the stage."</p>
+
+<p>"Tell him to meet me to-morrow on the stage of the theatre at twelve."</p>
+
+<p>"Good! Nick will be tickled to death."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, old man, we're all right so far as the entertainment is
+concerned. That don't bother me a little bit. But the Gotown Academy
+sits heavily on my mind, and all on account of minor considerations and
+the shortness of time in the way of lighting, tickets, seats for the
+audience and scenery. We can't act in the dark, the people who pay for
+reserved seats won't care for standing two or three hours, no matter how
+good our bill of fare is, and there ought to be something in the way of
+scenery, else those who pay their good coin may kick. Do I make myself
+quite plain?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very. And have we to supply all these?"</p>
+
+<p>"You bet! Who else is going to do it? This Gotown proposition was yours.
+I am willing to do all I can. This is Wednesday. There's no time to
+waste."</p>
+
+<p>"So am I willing. But you are bossing the job. Tell me what you want me
+to do and I'll do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then take the next train for Gotown; see McGowan, go with him to the
+printers at once and get out the tickets, so many at one dollar, so many
+at seventy-five cents, the rest at fifty and on all of these have
+reserved seats in big type. You can then have as many as you think we
+need for general admission. Have no reserved seats printed on them. I
+will give you the copy for the printer before you go. When does the
+train start?"</p>
+
+<p>"About half hour from now."</p>
+
+<p>"Find out from McGowan all about the lighting of the place, and what
+arrangements he has made about seating the crowd; and be sure you
+ascertain if there is any danger of the house not being ready for us.
+You know we have no written or regular contract, as all well regulated
+companies like ours should have. If any other little thing occurs to me
+I'll wire you, and if anything really important takes place up there
+that won't hold over until you get back, wire me. Here's the copy for
+the tickets. Have them printed at once. Get the different priced tickets
+on different colored cards. Red, white, and blue&mdash;and green. Now, then,
+go, and good speed and good luck."</p>
+
+<p>On the second visit to the theatre Handy was pleased to notice that
+everything was arranged for him to have the use of the stage next day.
+Though the manager was perfectly agreeable about it, he was noticeably
+worried about something, and Handy recognized it at once. Like Gilbert's
+policeman, the manager's life at times is not a happy one.</p>
+
+<p>"You seem to be put out about something, Governor?" All managers of
+theatres as a rule are governors, through courtesy, and they like to be
+so addressed.</p>
+
+<p>"I am. Say, let me ask you a question. Did you ever have a date broken
+on you at short notice?"</p>
+
+<p>"Did I?" exclaimed Handy, with a smile. "Disappointments and I are old
+acquaintances."</p>
+
+<p>"You can then realize my feelings. The last three days of next week in
+the theatre are open, and this is the second troupe that broke with me,
+and next Thursday is a holiday. Like a fool, I made no effort to fill
+the first part of the week, relying on the holiday night, Friday and
+Saturday's two performances to make up the difference. Isn't that
+tough?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is tough," answered Handy sympathetically. "That is pretty hard.
+Why don't you wire&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, don't talk to me about wiring or telegraphing or mailing. I have
+been doing that for nearly a week, until I am nearly gone daft. Of
+course I could get the regular fake, or barn-stormers or turkey
+companies&mdash;you know 'em&mdash;but none of 'em for me. I want companies I know
+something about."</p>
+
+<p>"Quite right. People you can rely on," continued Handy. "You are in a
+pretty bad fix, and if I can help you out in any way I'll be only too
+happy to do so. To be frank with you, this Gotown venture has been
+worrying me more than I care to admit. You know we open the new Academy
+of Music there Saturday night, and the reason the proprietor is in such
+haste to do so on that date is because Saturday is the anniversary of
+the founding of the town."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see there's anything in that to worry you. You're dead sure to
+get the crowd."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's all right! But then I am awfully afraid the scenery won't be
+ready. It was ordered only a short time ago. The owner of the theatre
+knows nothing about our business and left it until, I am afraid, it's
+too late. So now you can see the fix I am in."</p>
+
+<p>"That's too bad, too bad! Where do you play after leaving Gotown?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, after Gotown, eh?" and Handy became thoughtful and silent for a
+moment, and then slowly and deliberately explained: "Oh, after Gotown we
+are going to lay off for a week and add three or four new members to our
+company. They are not exactly new, for they were with us before, and are
+all good, reliable people and are up in the stage business of 'Down on
+the Old Farm,' a rattling good piece."</p>
+
+<p>It might as well be explained now, as later, that up to the time that
+the Weston manager made known his troubles and his open dates Handy had
+not the slightest thought of "Down on the Old Farm," and did not have a
+date after Gotown.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Mr. Handy, how large is the stage of the new Gotown house?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Handy, after casting his eyes meaningly around the stage,
+"I should say that it is about the size of this one. Perhaps a little
+deeper." He had, of course, never been inside of the Gotown
+establishment&mdash;it being yet unbuilt.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, then, I tell you what I'll do. I can help you and you in turn can
+assist me. I have no attraction here for Saturday night. You can
+therefore make use of what scenery you require, under the circumstances,
+without the drop curtain; but I have a first-rate green baize in the
+storeroom and I will loan all of it to you. My property room is well
+stocked, and you can have the use of the props. Moreover, I'll send my
+stage manager up to Gotown to help you&mdash;on one condition."</p>
+
+<p>"Name it, Governor."</p>
+
+<p>"That you will fill my dates of three nights of next week with 'Down on
+the Old Farm' in this theatre."</p>
+
+<p>Handy was dumbfounded at the proposition. It seemed almost like a
+glimpse of heaven. He was almost overpowered, and in a somewhat
+hesitating manner replied: "It is very kind of you, Governor, but I
+cannot give you an entirely decisive answer just now; but this, I assure
+you, you may make your mind easy. I must, if only for courtesy sake,
+consult my partner, who is now in Gotown. Besides, I must see the Gotown
+manager. I may be magnifying the disappointment about the scenery. The
+kindness of your offer and your generosity in putting your scenery at my
+disposal appeals to my heart. I think I can give you an assurance that
+your date will be filled for the last three nights of next week with
+'Down on the Old Farm.'"</p>
+
+<p>"I can rely on your word?"</p>
+
+<p>"Here's my hand. The usual terms, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go ten per cent better."</p>
+
+<p>"Get out your printing at once for 'The Old Farm,' and make all
+necessary arrangements. I'll be off to Gotown at once. I'll run down and
+send my man up to get the scenery ready for Gotown to-morrow afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>Handy made hasty steps down to the hotel, consulted with Smith, and
+instructed him to go up to the theatre and take a look over the scenery
+and props.</p>
+
+<p>"Our end of the work here is all right, Smith, my boy, but I am a bit
+nervous about the Gotown lay-out. Not that I doubt Mr. McGowan's
+intentions, but I am afraid he has bitten off more than he can chew.
+However, there's no need in bidding the devil good-morrow till you're up
+foreninst him, is there?" Then slapping Smith heartily on the back he
+cried: "And we are all right for next week, too. We play the old
+stand-by 'Down on the Old Farm' at the Weston the last three nights.
+Come down with me to the station and I'll tell you more. I am off for
+Gotown. Will see you to-night, if I can; but if not, I will be with you
+the first thing in the morning. There's no time to lose."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXV" id="CHAPTER_XXV"></a>CHAPTER XXV</h2>
+
+<h3>"Joy danced with Mirth, a gay, fantastic Crowd."</h3>
+
+<h4>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Collins.</span></h4>
+
+
+<p>It was a surprise when Handy's cheerful face was seen on the threshold
+of McGowan's emporium.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm blest! Look here, Wes, see who's here! In the name of
+fortune, what wind blew you in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!" replied Handy, in his usual good-humored way, "I was growin' lazy
+workin' so hard, and ran up to see how the Academy is growing."</p>
+
+<p>"Fine as silk. We are putting in overtime on it to-night in the way of
+gasfitting. You know, Handy," said McGowan, confidentially, "these
+gasfitters, like plumbers, are curious critters and need watching, and
+I'm going to have them work night and day until they get through. I
+wouldn't, between ourselves, have this anniversary celebration fall
+through for any amount of money, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! I was expecting that."</p>
+
+<p>"That but?"</p>
+
+<p>"But we haven't a stitch of scenery for the darn stage. That's what's
+worrying me, and I can't see me way to mend it."</p>
+
+<p>The veteran smiled, and then calmly asked, "Is that all that perplexes
+you?"</p>
+
+<p>"And isn't that enough?" exclaimed his friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, under ordinary circumstances," replied the veteran, "it would be
+more than enough; but let me relieve your anxieties. All the necessary
+scenery, properties, including a green baize curtain, latest style, will
+reach Gotown Friday night on special car."</p>
+
+<p>Weston opened his eyes and mouth in wonder and exclaimed "What!"</p>
+
+<p>McGowan, on the contrary, became serious and asked, "Handy, say, are you
+kiddin' us?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am telling you the truth."</p>
+
+<p>Then he explained to McGowan how, through the kindness and patriotism of
+the manager of the Weston Theatre, he was able to do the trick.</p>
+
+<p>McGowan looked at Handy a moment, then caught him in an embrace and let
+a yell out of him that could be heard a half mile distant.</p>
+
+<p>"Patsy!" he yelled out, "get a move on you. Call in Hans to help you,
+and I'll take a hand in myself. Handy, you're a bird! All present step
+up to the bar and drink the health, prosperity, and good luck of Mr.
+Handy and his friend, the manager of the Weston Theatre. This is on the
+house."</p>
+
+<p>As soon as things quieted down and Handy had a chance to have a chat
+with his partner, Weston, he learned that the show promised great
+results financially.</p>
+
+<p>Now that the scenery problem was solved, everybody seemed happy. Big Ed
+was the happiest of the lot. He shook hands with everyone who came in as
+the night grew older, and his description of the special car, and the
+green baize curtain, just like any first-class theatre in New York,
+Boston or Philadelphia, was glowing and picturesque. He was determined
+to show the people of Gotown and the remainder of the county that Gotown
+was in it with both feet, and when she started out to do things that she
+could do it and make no mistake about it.</p>
+
+<p>Handy and Weston took the late train and reached Weston shortly after
+midnight, and retired for a good night's rest.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning as Handy and his host sat together at breakfast, he
+explained the arrangement he had entered into with the regular Weston
+impresario. "The deal wasn't quite closed. I wanted, as I told him, to
+consult you, my partner in the Gotown proposition. I wished to give you
+a chance to go snacks with me in this new venture, if agreeable, on
+condition that you be as light as possible on the company for board and
+lodging while they are not working."</p>
+
+<p>Both of them then set out for the theatre, where they found Smith and
+the company. Smith was in consultation with the stage manager of the
+house. Between them they had already selected three drop scenes&mdash;a
+parlor, a drawing-room, and a landscape or wood, two pairs of wings, two
+fly borders, and a pair of tormentors, the green baize curtain, and the
+stage carpet.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Wes, how does this strike you?" asked Handy, in a stage whisper.</p>
+
+<p>"Great! but how did you do it?" he replied, in a manner bordering on
+amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush! You never can find out how to get out of a hole until you first
+get into one."</p>
+
+<p>"Big Ed McGowan will be the most surprised man in Pennsylvania when he
+sees all this landed at the doors of the Academy."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. Smith! have you had a talk with the people, and how do they
+stand?"</p>
+
+<p>"Prepared for anything, and are eager for the fray," answered Smith, in
+a breezy off-hand manner.</p>
+
+<p>"Good! Now then sit down at the prompt table there and make notes,"
+directed Handy, "of our lay-out. We open with a grand overture by the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society; and as a matter of course, on
+account of their patriotic kindness in volunteering for the celebration
+of the anniversary of the foundation of Gotown, they will have an encore
+and will then play a medley of national American airs, 'Yankee Doodle,'
+'Hail, Columbia,' 'Patrick's Day,' 'The Watch on the Rhine,' 'The Star
+Spangled Banner,' and 'Dixie.' Then the curtain will go up on 'Box and
+Cox.' You'll play <i>Box</i>, Diggins will do <i>Cox</i>, and Cromwell will play
+<i>Mrs. Bouncer</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on, sir," said Smith. "Cromwell can't do <i>Mrs. Bouncer</i>&mdash;he has a
+moustache, you know."</p>
+
+<p>Handy smiled. "Let him shave it off. Don't you remember that in Augustin
+Daly's theatre, in the very heyday of its glory, Mr. Daly would not
+allow any actor to wear hair on his face? Cromwell is too good an actor
+to hesitate to make so slight a sacrifice in the interest of art. Tell
+him I said so, Smith."</p>
+
+<p>Smith smiled, and in a stage whisper said: "He heard all you said. Yes,
+Mr. Cromwell will shave."</p>
+
+<p>"Then will follow Miss De Vere in one of her coon songs, after the style
+of Fay Templeton, May Irwin or&mdash;&mdash;What's that, boy?" addressing a lad
+who approached the prompt table.</p>
+
+<p>"There's a man back at the stage door, sir," replied the boy, "with a
+fiddle case under his arm, who says you have a date with him."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes! That's all right, my boy. Where is he?" and Handy walked back
+with the boy. "Is this Signor Collenso, about whom I have heard so many
+pleasant things?"</p>
+
+<p>"Say, Mr. Handy, me name is plain Bill Cullen for every-day work, but
+for professional purposes in the music line I discovered that it pays to
+put on a bit of style, and that's how I came to ring in the Collenso."</p>
+
+<p>"Quite right, my dear fellow! All artists of more or less great ability,
+especially in the musical line, make such alterations. For instance,
+Lizzie Norton is twisted into Mme. Nordica; Pat Foley changed into
+Signor Foli; and when Ellen Mitchell became great, she dropped the old
+name and Italianized it into Melba. Oh, that's all right."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; I know all that, and there are others. But when you and I are
+talking, let us give the Italian cognomen a rest. Now, what do you want
+me to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"What can you do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, something of everything&mdash;classic and otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"What can you do in the classics, for example?"</p>
+
+<p>"Selections from Mendelssohn, Paganini, Schumann, Rubinstein&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Say, my friend," asked Handy, in some surprise, "do you play such
+music?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, whenever I get a chance in public; but when alone they are my
+favorites. But, then, for encores I give them 'Killarney,' 'Molly Bawn,'
+'The Swanee River,' 'Mr. Dooley,' 'Harrigan'&mdash;anything that's popular
+and what they call up to date."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Cullen. I'm busy just now. Will you call around to the hotel
+to-night and we'll have a chat, and fix things up?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sure. I'll be on hand. About eight o'clock."</p>
+
+<p>Handy then returned to the prompt table.</p>
+
+<p>"Where were we, Smith? Oh, yes! I remember; we were giving Miss De Vere
+a dance. Well, after Daisey's dance will come Se&ntilde;or Collenso's violin
+solo, selection from Paganini. Then will follow the talented young
+Gotown lawyer in a dissertation on Shakespeare, and also inform them
+about the mill between <i>Richard</i> and <i>Richmond</i>. Smith, have you all
+that down?"</p>
+
+<p>"Every word of it."</p>
+
+<p>"And then will come the fight between Richard and <i>Richmond</i> with
+broadswords, in which you will have the opportunity of your life. The
+curtain will drop here, and then there will follow the intermission."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going to have much of an intermission?" inquired Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, ten or fifteen minutes or so. You know we must give Big Ed, the
+proprietor of the emporium, as well as of the Academy, a chance to do a
+little bit of business. Besides, it's awfully dry work listening to good
+music, fine songs, and strong acting without something to help you to
+thoroughly enjoy them."</p>
+
+<p>"That's true. That's a great first part, Mr. Handy. Music, song, vocal
+and instrumental; dance, oratory, and tragedy. Great, great!"</p>
+
+<p>"Miss De Vere will start in after the intermission with that beautiful
+and thrilling song, 'Down in a Coal Mine.' Some member of the company,
+whoever knows it, can recite 'Shamus O'Brien,' or some other equally
+popular recitation."</p>
+
+<p>"These two numbers will be sure to catch 'em," remarked Smith, with a
+broad grin of appreciation.</p>
+
+<p>"Then will follow a dance, 'The Fox Hunter's Jig,' by Mr. Myles O'Hara,
+a prominent citizen of Gotown, who has in the most generous and
+patriotic manner volunteered to add to the festivities for this
+occasion. It will be his first appearance on the stage. The music for
+this event will be supplied by the celebrated Irish piper, Mr. Dinny
+Dempsey, who will also be seen on the stage in native Irish costume and
+full regalia. Then, Smith, you can trot out one of your well-known comic
+monologues that you are so famous in. After that we'll wind up with 'The
+Strollers' Medley,' in which all the company will take part, and Daisey
+De Vere can do a favorite stunt of dancing now and then to fill up the
+gap. Now, then, go to work. Get the people busy and have them in good
+working order. Call a full dress rehearsal at one o'clock on the stage
+at the Gotown Academy of Music, so that we'll all know what we've got to
+do at night. I think that's all just now."</p>
+
+<p>There wasn't an idle hour for the remainder of the day and the greater
+part of the next by the company, under Smith's guidance, preparing for
+the anniversary event in Gotown. There were rehearsals, and rehearsals,
+and more rehearsals.</p>
+
+<p>Friday evening, between eight and nine o'clock, Handy, his partner, and
+the stage manager of the Weston Theatre, arrived in Gotown with the
+borrowed scenery and props. Ed McGowan and assistants were at the
+station with three wagons to convey the stage accoutrements to the newly
+built temple of Thespis that was to open its doors to the public the
+following night. It was an all night job of preparation, but there were
+many and willing hands to do what they were bid, under the direction of
+Handy and his pro tem stage manager.</p>
+
+<p>A student of the drama, had he been present, might have been carried
+back in thought a century or over, when many of the great players of
+days that are no more had to go through somewhat similar experiences.
+The Booths, the Cookes, the Keans, the Kembles, the Forrests, the
+Jeffersons, the Wallacks, and other great actors whose names are written
+on the imperishable tablets of fame have traveled over just such roads.
+Smith and the company, after a good night's rest and a hearty breakfast,
+reached Gotown early in the forenoon.</p>
+
+<p>At fifteen minutes past seven o'clock the doors of the Metropolitan
+Academy of Music were thrown open, and at eight o'clock there was not an
+unoccupied space in the house. The Handel and Hayden Philharmonic
+musicians took their places in front of the stage and began the
+overture. It consisted of a medley of familiar airs. The audience was so
+well pleased with what they heard that the musicians had to let them
+have it again. Then the curtain went up and "Box and Cox," a rather
+original version of the old farce, opened the show. It created some
+laughter, but the people came there to be pleased, and they were. "Old
+Black Joe" was sung, with an invisible chorus, and brought down the
+house. Daisey De Vere's coon song, with original business and grotesque
+imitations, made another big hit. Signor Collenso's classic&mdash;and it was
+well rendered&mdash;was tamely received, but when he treated his auditors to
+"Molly Bawn" and the "Boys of Kilkenny" they went into ecstasies. This
+was followed by the appearance of the rising young lawyer, who paid a
+glowing tribute to Shakespeare, and then introduced <i>King Richard</i> and
+<i>Richmond</i> to fight it out to a finish on Bosworth field for England,
+home, and booty. It was certainly a most elaborately grotesque combat.
+The people in front liked it apparently, and goaded on the combatants to
+redoubled efforts, and when the tyrant king was knocked out three cheers
+and a tiger were given with a vengeance, and the curtain fell on the
+first part amid uproarious applause.</p>
+
+<p>There was intermission of fifteen minutes. On the reappearance of Daisey
+De Vere, when the curtain went up, she was accorded a greeting that
+showed she had won her way to the hearts of her audience. With her
+interpretation of the onetime popular song, "Down in a Coal Mine," she
+completely captured those present with her vocalization. She had to
+repeat the ballad that good old Tony Pastor made popular in days of
+yore, when she had warmed up to her work, her "I'll tell you what I'll
+do. If you'll all join me in the chorus, I'll give you two verses when I
+get my second wind," set them all laughing, and clinched the hold she
+had already secured. The recitation of "Shamus O'Brien" seemed tame by
+comparison. But when Myles O'Hara gave them a vigorous and athletic
+exhibition of the "Fox Hunter's Jig," as Myles' father danced it in the
+Green Isle long before the O'Haras ever dreamt of emigrating to the land
+of the West, the applause was once more renewed. Dinny Dempsey supplied
+the music on the Irish pipes, which was in itself a novelty so appealing
+that he had to repeat, and Myles to dance, until both were fairly used
+up. It was eleven o'clock and after when Handy and his company started
+in for the wind-up, with their familiar old stand-by, "The Strollers'
+Medley." What it was all about no one present could tell. Only there was
+plenty of fun and merriment in it. There was a song, and a chorus now
+and then, a bit of a dance occasionally, and Daisey De Vere did a few
+grotesque steps and Handy entertained them with a comic speech. All were
+in the best of humor and heartily enjoyed what they saw and heard. Joy
+danced with fun, and the crowd was indeed a merry, happy, and fantastic
+gathering.</p>
+
+<p>Before the curtain fell Big Ed McGowan came on the stage. His appearance
+was the signal for a great outburst of cheers. When something like quiet
+was restored, he thanked the audience, on behalf of the company for
+their splendid manifestation of appreciation and grand attendance at the
+great entertainment. He then invited all hands present to join and sing
+"Should auld acquaintance be forgot?" It is needless to add that it was
+sung with a vigor, strength, and heartiness which still remains a
+cheerful memory in Gotown.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_XXVI" id="CHAPTER_XXVI"></a>CHAPTER XXVI</h2>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>"Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime</b><br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><b>Bid me 'Good morning.'"</b><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i10"><b>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Barbauld.</span></b><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>In a small back room in McGowan's hospitable hostelry Handy, Weston,
+McGowan himself, the members of the company, and a few others were
+gathered for a little bite and a sup before the players returned to
+Weston. It was a convivial party&mdash;not noisy nor boisterous. Just
+cheerful, good-natured crowd. All were happy over the night's fun. They
+showed it in their smiling faces and laughing eyes. Strange as it may
+appear, the most thoughtful appearing one in the assemblage was the
+veteran himself. McGowan noticed his demeanor more quickly than any of
+the others, and by the way of cheering or bracing him up he rose from
+his chair and proposed for a standing toast the health, wealth and
+prosperity of their friend who afforded them the enjoyment they had that
+night,&mdash;"Our friend, Handy! May he live long and prosper."</p>
+
+<p>It was given with a hearty response. A speech was then called, when Handy
+with much reluctance rose and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Friends&mdash;I take the liberty of calling you friends after the generous
+treatment you have given me and my poor humble little company
+to-night&mdash;we are only a troupe of strolling players trying to do the best
+we can to please you, to make you cheerful, to banish dull care from your
+minds in your leisure hours, and make you laugh with happy hearts. No one
+was ever hurt or harmed by an honest laugh. No time was ever wasted that
+brought with it, through the agency of song, music and acting, brighter
+thoughts and happier feelings. And, after all, that seems to me to be the
+mission of the players. I am no speech-maker, my friends, I am speaking
+to you as the words come from my heart, and my heart is full and happy
+to-night. All the world, we are told, is a stage, a place where everyone
+must play his part. And how true are those words both men and women know.
+I feel as if I had played many and many parts. I have had my ups and
+downs; my joys and sorrows, and sometimes I have supped bitter in sorrow.
+But no matter, I presume we all have the same story to tell. I am not
+going to bother you with a recital of any of them. Let them pass, just as
+the summer storm passes away when the sun peeps out from behind the
+clouds and lights up everything with its radiance and makes us all
+cheerful, contented and happy. Ah, boys! I have been many years on the
+road, traveling over this broad land of ours. Aye! a poor player. I have
+grown old in the line of making laughter for others and lending a hand to
+bring merriment to my aid. The frost of years is beginning to lay its
+mark already on my once fiery locks, and the time is drawing near when I
+will have to make my final exit and quit work; and when a man stops
+working nature is finished with him, and when nature is through with him
+it is pretty near time to go. Well, so be it. In years long gone by I
+came across a little poem which I carried about with me months and
+months, in the war campaign of the sixties, for, friends, I served my
+time as a drummer boy with the old Army of the Potomac. Well, this is a
+little gem, at least, I thought it so then. I think it so now. It was
+written by a woman. It is said it was the last she ever wrote. I read it
+and read it until I committed it to memory. 'Tis short, very short. If
+you wish to hear it, I'll recite it for you now. Yes?</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Life! we've been long together<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Through pleasant and through cloudy weather;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis hard to part, when friends are dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Perhaps 'twill cost a sigh, a tear.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Then steal away&mdash;give little warning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Choose thine own time,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bid me&mdash;'Good morning.'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<h4>END</h4>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,6212 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Pirate of Parts
+
+Author: Richard Neville
+
+Release Date: September 14, 2008 [EBook #26612]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PIRATE OF PARTS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Robert Cicconetti, Mary Meehan, and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced
+from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American
+Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                         _A Pirate of Parts_
+
+                         _By RICHARD NEVILLE_
+
+
+
+
+    _"One man in his time plays many parts."_
+    --SHAKESPEARE
+
+
+NEW YORK
+The Neale Publishing Company
+1913
+
+Copyright, 1913, by
+The Neale Publishing Company
+_All rights reserved_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: (signature) Yours Sincerly Richard Neville]
+
+
+
+
+                        _"All the worlds' a stage
+    And all the men and women merely players"_
+
+
+
+
+To my sister, Mrs. Mary Hughes, who for years has been associated with
+several of the most notable presentations on the American stage and with
+many of the most prominent and talented of American players, both male
+and female.
+
+
+
+
+_"BILL OF THE PLAY"_
+
+
+       I.--Is all our company here?--_Shakespeare_
+
+      II.--What stories I'll tell when my sojerin' is o'er.--_Lever_
+
+     III.--Come all ye warmheart'd countrymen I pray you will draw
+           near.--_Old Ballad_
+
+      IV.--Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of
+           ground.--_Shakespeare_
+
+       V.--I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land.--_John
+           Boyle O'Reilly_
+
+      VI.--What strange things we see and what queer things we
+           do.--_Modern Song_
+
+     VII.--He employs his fancy in his narrative and keep his
+           Recollections for his wit.--_Richard Brindsley Sheridan_
+
+    VIII.--Every one shall offer according to what he hath.--_Deut._
+
+      IX.--One man in his time plays many parts.--_Shakespeare_
+
+       X.--Originality is nothing more than judicious
+           imitation.--_Voltaire_
+
+      XI.--All places that the eye of heaven visits are happy
+           havens.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XII.--There are more things in heaven and earth,
+           Horatio.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XIII.--Life is mostly froth and bubble.--_The Hill_
+
+     XIV.--Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time.--_Shakespeare_
+
+      XV.--Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the
+           roughest day.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XVI.--A new way to pay old debts.
+
+    XVII.--The actors are at hand.--_Shakespeare_
+
+   XVIII.--Twinkle, twinkle little star.--_Nursery Rhymes_
+
+     XIX.--Experience is a great teacher--the events of life its
+           chapters.--_Sainte Beuve_
+
+      XX.--I am not an imposter that proclaim myself against the level of
+           my aim.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XXI.--I'll view the town, peruse the traders, gaze upon the
+           buildings.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XXII.--Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or
+           vaudeville.--_Geo. Elliott_
+
+   XXIII.--All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely
+           players.--_Shakespeare_
+
+    XXIV.--There's nothing to be got nowadays, unless thou can'st fish
+           for it.--_Shakespeare_
+
+     XXV.--Joy danced with Mirth, a gay fantastic crowd.--_Collins_
+
+    XXVI.--Say not "Good Night," but in some brighter clime bid me "Good
+           Morning."--_Barbauld_
+
+
+
+
+_A Pirate of Parts_
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+     "Is all our company here?"
+     --MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.
+
+
+Yes, he was a strolling player pure and simple. He was an actor by
+profession, and jack of all trades through necessity. He could play any
+part from _Macbeth_ to the hind leg of an elephant, equally well or bad,
+as the case might be. What he did not know about a theatre was not worth
+knowing; what he could not do about a playhouse was not worth
+doing--provided you took his word for it. From this it might be inferred
+he was a useful man, but he was not. He had a queer way of doing things
+he ought not to do, and of leaving undone things he should have done.
+Good nature, however, was his chief quality. He bubbled over with it.
+Under the most trying circumstances he never lost his temper. He laughed
+his way through life, apparently without care. Yet he was a man of
+family, and those who were dependent upon him were not neglected, for
+his little ones were uppermost in his heart. Acting was his legitimate
+calling, but he would attempt anything to turn an honest penny. In turn
+he had been sailor, engineer, pilot, painter, manager, lecturer,
+bartender, soldier, author, clown, pantaloon, and a brass band. To
+preach a sermon would disconcert him as little as to undertake to
+navigate a balloon. He could get away with a pint of Jersey lightning,
+and under its stimulating influence address a blue ribbon temperance
+meeting on the pernicious effects of rum. Where he was born no one could
+tell. He claimed laughingly that it was so long since he was first
+produced he had lost track of the date. A friend of his maintained that
+he was bred in the blue grass region, he was such an admirable judge of
+whisky. On that score he might as well have been born in the County
+Galway as in the state of Kentucky. He had a voluminous shock of red
+hair; his name was Handy, and no one ever thought of addressing him
+otherwise, even on the slightest acquaintance. When he had an engagement
+he was poorer than when he was out of a job. He was a daisy of the
+chronic impecunious variety.
+
+The summer of --'7 was a hard season with actors, and as Handy was one
+of the guild he suffered like the rest of his calling. He was not so
+fortunate as to have country relatives with whom he might visit and
+spend a brief vacation down on the old farm, so he had to bestir himself
+to hit upon some scheme or other to bridge over the so-called dog days.
+He pondered over the matter, and finally determined to organize a
+company to work the towns along the Long Island Sound coast. Most men
+would have shrunk from an undertaking of this character without the
+necessary capital to embark in the venture. Handy, however, was not an
+individual of that type. He was a man of great natural and economical
+resources, when put to the test. Moreover, he had a friend who was the
+owner of a good-sized canvas tent; was on familiar terms with another
+who was the proud possessor of a fairly good-sized sailing craft; his
+credit at the printer's was good for twenty or twenty-five dollars, and
+in addition he had eleven dollars in hard cash in his inside pocket.
+What more could an enterprising man, with energy to burn, desire?
+
+On the Rialto Handy picked up seven good men and true, who, like
+himself, had many a time and oft fretted their brief hour upon the
+stage--and possibly will again,--who were willing to embark their fame
+and fortune in the venture. They knew Handy was a sailor bold, and so
+long as they had an angel in the shape of a vessel to perform the
+transportation part of the scheme without being compelled to count
+railroad ties, in case of ill luck, sailing was good enough for them.
+Besides, time was no object, for they had plenty of it to spare.
+
+They were all actors like Handy himself. The stories they could unfold
+of barn-storming in country towns in years gone by would fill a volume
+as bulky as a census report. Moreover, they could turn their talents to
+any line of business and double, treble, quintuple parts as easily as
+talk. They were players of the old stock school.
+
+One of the company played a cornet badly enough to compel the
+inhabitants of any civilized town to take to the woods until he had made
+his departure; another was a flutist of uncertain qualifications, while
+a third could rasp a little on the violin; and as for Handy himself, he
+could tackle any other instrument that might be necessary to make up a
+band; but playing the drum,--the bass drum,--or the cymbals, was his
+specialty.
+
+A company was accordingly organized, the day of departure fixed, the
+printing got out--and the printer "hung up." The vessel was anchored off
+Staten Island, and was provisioned with one keg of beer, a good-sized
+box of hardtack, a jar of Vesey Street pickles, a Washington Street ham,
+five large loaves and all the fishes in the bay. The company, after some
+preliminary preparations, boarded the _Gem of the Ocean_, for such was
+the pretentious name of the unpretentious craft that was to carry Caesar
+and his fortunes. Perhaps Handy's own description of the first night's
+adventure might prove more interesting than if given by another.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+     "What stories I'll tell when my sojerin is o'er."
+     --LEVER.
+
+
+"Well, sir, you see," said Handy some weeks after in relating the
+adventure to a friend, "we had previously determined to start from
+Staten Island, when one of the company got it into his head that we
+might show on the island for 'one night only,' and make a little
+something into the bargain. Besides, he reasoned, all first-class
+companies nowadays adopt that plan of breaking in their people. Some
+cynical individuals describe this first night operation as 'trying it on
+the dog,' but as that is a vulgar way of putting it we'll let it pass.
+We turned the matter over in our minds, and almost unanimously agreed
+that it was too near the city to make the attempt, but the strong
+arguments of Smith prevailed--he was the one who first advocated it--and
+we therefore resolved to set up our tent and present 'Uncle Tom's Cabin'
+with an unparalleled cast from the California Theatre.
+
+"You must remember we desired to have the company hail from a point as
+far distant as possible from New York, and we could hardly have gone
+further or we would have slid right plumb off the continent. But we told
+no lie about the company being unparalleled. No, sir. You couldn't match
+it for money. It was what might be legitimately considered a 'star cast
+company.'
+
+"One of the company was a dwarf. That was lucky, or we would have been
+stuck for a _Little Eva_. So the dwarf was cast for _Eva_; and he
+doubled up and served as an ice floe, with a painted soap box on his
+back to represent a floating cake of ice in the flight scene. He played
+the ice floe much better than he did _Eva_. But that's neither here nor
+there now, as he got through with both. What's more, he's alive to-day
+to tell the tale. Between ourselves, he was the oddest looking
+_Eva_--and the toughest one, too, for that matter--you ever clapped eyes
+upon.
+
+"In the dying scene, where _Eva_ is supposed to start for heaven, we
+struck up the tune of 'Dem Golden Slippers' in what we considered
+appropriate time. Well! whatever it was--whether it was the music, the
+singing, or little _Eva's_ departure for the heavenly regions--it nearly
+broke up the show. The audience simply wouldn't stand for it. Just at
+that impressive moment when the Golden Gates were supposed to be ajar,
+and dear little _Eva's_ spirit was about to pass the gate-keeper, a
+couple of rural hoodlums in the starboard side of the tent began to
+whistle the suggestive psalm, 'There'll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town
+To-night.' When I heard it I felt convinced it wouldn't be safe to give
+that programme for more than one night in any town.
+
+"We hurried through the performance for two special reasons: first,
+because the audience evidently did not appear to appreciate or take
+kindly to the company from the California Theatre, and secondly on
+account of the rising wind which was beginning to blow up pretty fresh,
+and the tent was not sufficiently able-bodied to stand too much of a
+pressure from outside as well as from within. Consequently we rang down
+the curtain rather prematurely on the last act. It is nothing more than
+candid to allow that the audience was not as quiet at the close as in
+the earlier scenes of the drama. We had no kick coming, however, as the
+gross receipts footed up seventeen dollars and fifty cents.
+
+"We struck tent without much delay and managed to get our traps
+together. We were about to carry them down to the _Gem of the Ocean_
+when Smith, the property man, approached me with the information that
+there was a man looking for me who intimated that he was going to levy
+on our props. 'What's up?' I asked.
+
+"'Don't know,' answered Smith, 'but I think you had better see him
+yourself.'
+
+"I did, and it proved to be the sheriff, or some fellow of that
+persuasion. He came to make it warm for us because, forsooth, we showed
+without a license. And this, mind you, in what we regard as a free
+country. Ye gods! Well, be that as it may, you can readily see we were
+in a bad box, and how to get out of it was the perplexing problem that
+confronted me.
+
+"I claimed ignorance of the law, but it was no go. I then attempted a
+bluff game, but it wouldn't work for a cent. I tried him on all the
+points of the compass of strategem, but he was a Staten Islander, and I
+failed satisfactorily to inoculate him with my histrionic eloquence. The
+members of the company, however, were not wasting time and were getting
+the things down to the dock, only a short distance off.
+
+"Finally, as if inspired, I suggested to the official that we drop over
+the way, to Clausen's, and talk the matter over. I was thirsty, and I
+had an instinctive idea that my political friend also was. He hesitated
+a moment, and then started across with me. We walked slowly and talked
+freely. At length we got down to hard pan. I was ready to settle up and
+pay the license fee, but he wasn't ready to receive it. The fee, I
+think, was five dollars, but he wanted something in addition for his
+trouble. He didn't say as much, but I knew that was what he was hinting
+at. These politicians are so modest. I know them from past experience.
+
+"When we reached Clausen's we retired to a quiet corner in the back room
+and continued our conversation. I set up the beer, called for the
+cigars, and then motioned for another round. The sheriff was quite
+agreeable. Suddenly it flashed through my mind that I did not have one
+cent in my clothes. Sy Jones, whom we had appointed treasurer, had taken
+possession of the gross receipts. I was nonplussed for the time being.
+What to do I couldn't tell for the moment, but I didn't communicate that
+fact to my official friend. We had some more refreshments, and then I
+excused myself for a minute and went out into the yard back of the
+house. As fate would have it, the fence was not high. Without much
+hesitation I took chances, sprang over it, and started for the
+water-side as quickly as my legs would travel.
+
+"I knew exactly where the _Gem of the Ocean_ lay. The boys had worked
+like beavers in the interim. They had everything stowed away snugly. It
+did not take me long to get aboard with the rest of the boys.
+
+"'Get to work and cast off as quickly as you can,' I whispered, rather
+than yelled. It was an anxious moment, I tell you, for just at that
+moment the front door of Clausen's power house was flung wide open and
+loud and angry voices were borne on the night wind to where we lay.
+'Push her bow off, for the Lord's sake!' I yelled, while I was busily
+engaged in running up the jib.
+
+"It wasn't then a question of sheriff alone. Clausen, the German
+saloon-keeper, and his gang were coming down on us like a pack of wolves
+on a sheepfold. Clausen, naturally enough, was considerably put out,
+simply because I was forced through the contradictory nature of
+conflicting circumstances to arbitrarily stand him up for the
+refreshments and smokes, and he appeared desirous of getting square.
+Fortunately for us, the high wind that had threatened to blow over our
+tent was off-shore, and by the time the Staten Islanders reached the end
+of the dock we had a good breeze full on the sails and were laying our
+course for the hospitable shore of Long Island."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+     "Come all ye warm-hearted countrymen, I pray you will draw
+     near."
+     --<sc>Old Song<sc>.
+
+
+"About daybreak we passed through Hell Gate, with a kiting breeze, and
+were pointing for Whitestone, where we proposed to show the following
+night. We reached there some time in the forenoon. Fancy our dismay when
+we learned that North's Circus was billed there the same evening. North
+had chartered a steamer and was bent on precisely the same lay as we
+were, with this difference, that he was more thoroughly equipped for the
+undertaking. As soon as we made this unpleasant discovery our spirits
+fell to zero and our hearts slipped into our boots. Some of the people
+were so discouraged that they were in favor of giving up the 'snap'
+there and then, but the more optimistic ones determined to stick it out,
+and stick we did.
+
+"Along in the afternoon we saw the North steamer come along with flags
+flying and a band playing. If we hadn't been on professional business
+ourselves we possibly might have enjoyed the exhibition. We should have
+left Whitestone right away, but the wind had died out and there wasn't a
+capful of air stirring. Some of the members of the company expressed a
+desire to go ashore, but I objected. I had made up my mind to start with
+the first breath of wind that sprang up. To profitably employ our time
+we set to work to fish for our supper. Our larder was not over and above
+flush, and a few fish would prove quite acceptable. Just about sundown a
+breeze sprang up, and we took advantage of it. We hoisted anchor and
+stood up the Sound with every stitch of canvas set and drawing.
+
+"I forget just the name of the next stopping place we reached, but I
+should judge it was a point opposite, or nearly opposite, to Greenwich
+or Stamford. We remained on board until about eight o'clock next
+morning, and then a little party went ashore to reconnoiter. The town
+proper was only a short distance from the little harbor. Imagine our
+feelings when we ascertained that North had billed this town also, and
+was to show there that very night. This was too much for poor, trusting
+human nature. The opposition show itself we wouldn't have minded, but
+the colored printing, streamers, and snipes that adorned the fences,
+barns and hen houses almost paralyzed us.
+
+"In sheer desperation we brought the tent ashore and prepared to tackle
+fate and the opposition, and trust to luck. We put out no bills, and got
+ready to make much big noise of the proper kind when the opportune
+moment arrived. We hired a wagon from an enterprising farmer for our
+band; then sent complimentary tickets to the dominie to come to see
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin,' for the familiar old drama, notwithstanding the
+wear and tear of many years of barn-storming, is still regarded as
+somewhat of a religious entertainment. We toiled like beavers to work up
+business for the night. The attraction pitted against us was strong, but
+what of that? Desperation gave us strength, and we hoped for the best.
+
+"Along in the afternoon as I was about to board the _Gem_ I was
+astonished to find no appearance of the North circus steamer. It was
+nigh on to high water, a dead calm prevailed, and the atmosphere was hot
+and misty. I thought little of it at the time, until I reached the deck.
+I knew that, allowing a fair margin for delay, a power craft could run
+up in short order, and an hour or so would be ample time to put up the
+tent and get everything in readiness for the night's performance.
+
+"While I sat at the head of the companionway meditating over the
+situation and drawing consolation from a bit of briarwood, the property
+man hailed me from the shore. I immediately manned the dingy and rowed
+for the shore to ascertain what was the matter. When I got there he
+informed me that some of the inhabitants from the interior had got in
+town to see the show and were anxious to buy reserved seats. I inquired
+if he had accommodated them. He told me he had not done so, as he had an
+idea that it was the other show they were looking for. However, he was
+not certain on that score. For the time being, however, he put them off
+with the explanation that the ticket register was out of order and the
+tickets were not yet ready. The family wagons and carryalls were
+beginning to come in, and by four o'clock or thereabouts the little
+place presented quite an animated appearance. The prospects for a crowd
+were good. Every minute I expected to hear the sound of the steamboat's
+whistle at the point announcing her arrival. It was getting along well
+in the afternoon when the thought entered my mind, 'Now, if by any
+chance the steamer should be delayed, what course would I pursue?'
+
+"The more I turned the subject over in my mind the stronger I became
+impressed with the idea that desperate cases necessitate strenuous
+remedies. The heat of the afternoon became oppressive, and the haze had
+become a thick fog over the water. Occasionally it would lift slightly
+and then settle down more dense than before. Five o'clock came, and
+still no steamer. About ten minutes later we heard a sound that nearly
+knocked me out. It was the steamer with the other fellow's show. We
+heard the blow, but could not get a glimpse of the blowpipe. We could
+hear, but could not see. We remained on board some time, and then all
+hands went ashore. The fog still hung over the water and the whistle
+continued to blow. We resolved to play a desperate game. So long as the
+fog continued we were all safe, as I felt satisfied the captain of the
+steamer would not dare venture to run in closer to the shore at that
+stage of the tide, especially in such a fog.
+
+"We hurried up to the tent and began to sell tickets. Buyers naturally
+made inquiries, but the ticket-seller economized considerably on the
+truth in his answers. We paid the farmer for his wagon that had been
+used by the band one half in cash and the balance in passes. Sharp at
+eight o'clock we rung the curtain up to a jammed house of the most
+astonished countrymen, women and children you ever set eyes upon. They
+did not know what to make of it, but they swallowed it all in the most
+good-natured manner possible. We introduced bits of 'The Old Homestead,'
+'The Two Orphans,' 'Rip Van Winkle,' slices of Shakespeare, Augustus
+Thomas, George Ade, and other great writers, so you see we were giving
+them bits of the best living and dead dramatists. Our native
+Shakespeares do the same thing nowadays in all of their original works,
+and that's no idle fairy tale. We sandwiched comedy, drama, tragedy, and
+farce, and interlarded the mixture with Victor Herbert and Oscar
+Hammerstein's opera comique and May Irwin coon songs. Such a
+presentation of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' was never before presented, and I am
+free to confess the chances are never will be again. We actually played
+the town on the other fellow's paper. It wasn't exactly according to
+Hoyle, but then any reasonable thinking man will concede that necessity
+knows no law, and as the country people came to see a show it would have
+been a grievous sin to have disappointed them.
+
+"It did not take us long to strike tent and hurry on board when the
+curtain fell on the last act. By this time the fog had lifted. As there
+was a breeze we made sail and stood out for the open sea. It was near
+the top of high water as we passed the point, and there we saw the
+steamer going in. She had run on a sandbar in the fog and was compelled
+to stay there for high water to get off. That's how the other fellow got
+left and how we turned his mishap to our advantage."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+     "Now would I give a thousand furlongs of sea for an acre of barren
+     ground.... The wills above be done, but I would fain die a dry
+     death."
+     --TEMPEST.
+
+
+By midnight the _Gem of the Ocean_ was well out in the Sound. A stiff
+breeze was now blowing, and the little craft was footing it at a rapid
+rate. Handy was now in his native element. He and his company felt that
+they had turned a clever trick. It was an achievement worthy of the most
+accomplished barnstormer. The idea of playing the town on the other
+fellow's paper, ye gods! it was an accomplishment to feel proud of;
+something to be stored away in the memory; something to be set aside for
+future use when nights were long and congenial companions were gathered
+about a cheerful fireside to listen to stories of days gone by.
+
+Supper disposed of, the company were grouped together near the
+companionway smoking the pipes of peace and anxious to discuss the next
+managerial move. Handy, of course, was the prime mover in all
+things--the one man to whom they all looked to pilot them safely through
+the difficulties they expected to encounter. So far they considered he
+had made good. He appeared to be in the best of spirits. Seated on an
+up-turned bucket, drawing meditatively on his well-seasoned briarwood,
+he looked a perfect picture of content. Not so, however, the "little
+'un," as the boys playfully addressed the dwarf. The motion of the
+vessel did not harmonize with peculiarities of his interior
+arrangements, and unless the _Gem_ stopped rolling and pitching there
+was evidently trouble ahead. Matters were approaching a crisis with him.
+He had little or nothing to say. In fact, he was doing his best, as he
+afterwards admitted, to keep his spirits up while he manfully struggled
+to keep material matter down.
+
+"Is it always as rough as this, Handy?" he asked in a plaintive voice.
+
+"Rough as this, eh, my bold buccaneer," responded Handy, cheerily;
+"rough as this? Why, there's scarcely a whitecap on the water. You ain't
+going to be seasick, are you? Well, at any rate, if you are, possibly it
+may be all for the best. 'Twill make a new man of you."
+
+"Maybe he don't want to be made a new man of," suggested the low comedy
+man.
+
+"Oh, cork up and give us a rest," appealed the Little 'Un, somewhat
+testily. "I'm all right, only I don't relish the confounded motion of
+the craft. First she rocks one way, then another, and then again she
+seems to have the fidgets, and pitches in fits and starts. I don't see
+any sense in it. Steamboats don't cut up such capers, at least, none of
+those that I've had any experience with."
+
+"Brace up, my hearty," said Handy, removing the briarwood from his lips.
+"Brace up. You'll feel all right anon."
+
+"Anon isn't half bad," again jocularly interposed the comedy gentleman.
+
+The wind was gradually freshening. There was by this time quite a sea
+on, and the Little 'Un was beginning to succumb to the influence of
+prevailing conditions. A sudden gust struck the _Gem_, and, yielding to
+it, the group that was sitting so contentedly a few seconds before about
+the companionway went rolling in a heap down to leeward in the cockpit.
+This was altogether too much for the Little 'Un. He picked himself
+together as well as he could, and doubled over the rail, Handy holding
+on to his extremities. It was a trying scene for a time, and Handy had
+the worst of it.
+
+"Steady there, now, old fellow, you'll feel all serene when you give up.
+There's no danger."
+
+A minute or so later the poor little chap was taken from the rail as
+limp as a wet rag, and was stretched out on the deck with a coil of rope
+for a pillow.
+
+"When you get me on a snap of this kind again," he began in a feeble
+voice, after he had somewhat recovered, "you just let me know. No more
+water adventures for me. I know when I have had enough. Dry land for
+mine hereafter."
+
+Handy endeavored to console and cheer him up, but in vain. The poor
+sufferer was completely used up. He had yielded his gross receipts to
+Neptune, and would, at that particular moment, have mortgaged his
+prospects in the future to have been able to set foot on terra firma.
+With some little difficulty Handy and one of the crew succeeded in
+getting him below and stowed him away in a bunk.
+
+The wind increased during the night, and by two in the morning it was
+blowing a half-gale. The _Gem_ was trimmed down to close reefs, and all
+but the crew and Handy had turned in--but not to sleep. Handy, who was
+an experienced sailor, remained on deck all night. He was never away
+from his post. He was as good a sailor as he was bad as a financier.
+This speaks volumes for his abilities as a mariner.
+
+The night passed over without mishap, and shortly before sunrise the
+wind gave evidence of going down. There was, however, a high sea
+running, and though the little craft behaved nobly and was skillfully
+handled, yet to men unaccustomed to go down to the sea in ships calmer
+weather would have been acceptable. Daylight dawned at last. Later the
+sun made his appearance, red and fiery, looking as if annoyed at the
+capers old Boreas had been cutting up during the night. The wind went
+down as the sun rose higher, and long before noon all was calm and
+peaceful. The spirits of the company were restored. As the morning
+passed jokes and merriment helped to dispel the unpleasant experiences
+of the storm of the previous night. Handy's good humor was particularly
+conspicuous, as he had a cheerful word for all. His spirits were as
+buoyant as the craft that bore his troupers.
+
+At breakfast--or after breakfast, rather--the momentous question rose as
+to where the next stand should be made. The company had already tested
+its ability as well as the forbearance of two audiences, and
+financially, if not artistically, came out fairly well. It is only fair
+to admit, however, not one individual member of the troupe made what is
+designated as a personal success. There was now money in the treasury,
+and plenty of confidence to go with it. The consensus of opinion,
+however, appeared to be that "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was a little too risky
+to repeat. It was admitted that _Eva_ was not what might be described as
+a howling success. Moreover, the boxes that did duty for ice floes were
+fortunately, or unfortunately, left behind on the golden sands of Long
+Island. In addition to that, the artist who performed the dog act and
+who as a barker in Coney Island might be considered clever in a way was
+now as hoarse as a second-hand trombone from a third-rate pawnshop let
+out for hire to a broken-down German band. An hundred and one
+difficulties were interposed against the further presentation of the
+well-worn old drama. It was finally decided that _Uncle Tom_ should be
+relieved from duty, for the present at least, and the play and the
+public given a rest.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+     "I would rather live in Bohemia than in any other land."
+     --JOHN BOYLE O'REILLY
+
+
+The main point to be decided was the selection of the town in which the
+next exhibition should be made. Various places were named, their
+resources summed up, and the peculiarities of the inhabitants canvassed.
+None of them seemed to the assembled wisdom of the company to fill the
+bill. Handy apparently appeared to take slight interest in the
+deliberations, but his active brain, notwithstanding, was at work. He
+was considering the situation, and quietly letting his companions
+ventilate their views before offering his. At length the exchange of
+opinions reached the stage when the sage deemed it was proper to speak.
+
+"Eureka!" he exclaimed, "I have it."
+
+"Suffer us not to remain in ignorance," urged the comedian. "Do not
+dissemble--enlighten us."
+
+"Newport!"
+
+"Newport!" they all repeated in surprise.
+
+"Newport!" Handy replied calmly, and the company looked at each other
+and then turned their gaze on Handy.
+
+"He's off his base," said the dwarf. "Why, we wouldn't take in money
+enough to pay for the lights. Newport! Great Caesar's ghost!"
+
+"We'll never get out of the place alive," volunteered the dog-man.
+
+Handy merely smiled as he listened to his companions' objections, but he
+was firm in his resolve to have his way.
+
+"Newport, my friends," began Handy, complacently, "is our mutton; and
+when I explain my reason for the selection I think you will concede the
+wisdom of my choice. Society, or the blue blood of the country, as it is
+regarded by some, make annual visits about this time to Newport, to
+enjoy themselves and to be amused and entertained. We can give them an
+entertainment such as they have never seen before, and possibly may
+never see again. However, you never can tell. Anything and everything in
+the way of novelty goes with them. It matters not what it may be so long
+as it is odd, new, or novel. Remember, we live in a changeable,
+hustling, ragtime age. Coon songs are almost as popular with the best of
+them as grand opera, and more readily appreciated. If we don't surprise
+and amuse them I shall be very much disappointed. A tent show in staid,
+fashionable old Newport is an unheard-of undertaking, and we will have
+the honor, and, I may add, the profit of inaugurating the fashion.
+There's the rub. The very novelty and the boldness of the undertaking
+cannot, in my humble judgment, fail to appeal to these pleasure-seekers.
+Of course, we can hardly expect them to invite us to remain for the rest
+of the season. But let that pass. That's another consideration. It is a
+one night only racket, and trust me we'll do business. When they will
+have the--the a--well, call it pleasure of listening to that strenuous
+band of ours on parade, it will be the talk of the town. Mark what I
+say," and Handy smiled.
+
+"Good heavens, Handy, old man!" exclaimed the Little 'Un tremulously,
+"you are not going to let that band loose on the unsuspecting
+inhabitants, are you?"
+
+"Such is my fell purpose," he replied.
+
+"Is there a police force there?" queried the comedian; "for if there be
+you can hand me my divvy right now. Tie the _Gem_ up to the first rock
+we come to and put me ashore. No Newport for mine, thank you."
+
+"Say, what is the matter with all of you? Does the name of Newport faze
+you? Don't you know that human nature is the same the world over in all
+time and in all places, and that the venturesome fellow appeals to all
+classes--rich as well as poor? Let me tell you, boys, if you will stand
+by me in this deal I'll pull you through all right. Besides, the success
+of our Newport date--and in the height of the season, too--will be
+something to boast of when we get back to the Great White Way. It sounds
+big--some style about it, and, take it from me, boys, style is
+everything in our profesh just now. You may have no talent, and not be
+able to act even a little bit, but if you have style and cheek and put
+up a good front you can count on an engagement every time. That's the
+kind of stuff stars are made of now."
+
+Handy's matter-of-fact argument was sufficient. He carried his point.
+The company agreed to do Newport and take chances. It had previously
+been decided to shelve "Uncle Tom's Cabin." So that perplexing matter
+was settled. The important consideration, however, arose, what should
+they substitute. A variety of pieces were named, but no decision was
+reached. Handy's wonderful fertility of resource at length came to the
+rescue and brought forth, much to the amazement of all, "Humpty Dumpty."
+They had, it is true, no columbine, but a little thing like that did not
+trouble the irrepressible Handy.
+
+"Do not the annals of the American stage lay bare the fact," quoth he,
+"that on one occasion in Wallack's old theatre, when it was located
+downtown on Broadway, near Broome Street, in New York, during the run of
+John Brougham's brilliant burlesque, 'Pocahontas,' with the famous
+author himself in the cast as _Powhattan_, and Charles Walcot as
+_Captain John Smith_, the extravaganza was given for one night only
+without a _Pocahontas_. And the records say it was the most remarkable
+and amusing performance of its entire run."
+
+Plays with and without plots are frequently presented nowadays in many
+of our so-called first-class theatres, with players of no experience and
+little natural ability. The public accepts them because they are offered
+nothing better. But that's neither here nor there at present. In "Humpty
+Dumpty" they had a good standard name. Just old enough to be new.
+
+"It is true," Handy argued, "we have not the necessary stage equipment
+for a metropolitan production. The only thing we have, for that matter,
+is the name. That is enough for us, and we are going to do the best we
+can with it. Ordinary actors, together with all the necessary equipment
+of props and scenery, might be able to attempt a presentation of the
+famous pantomime, but it takes your strolling players, bred and brought
+up in the old stock school, to turn the trick without them."
+
+It was a lazy day on board the little vessel. There was no wind. The sun
+poured down his rays so fiercely that it was almost unbearable. It was a
+dead calm. All the sailing vessels within sight were motionless. Not a
+sound disturbed the monotony of the scene, save the distant beat of the
+paddles or propellers of an approaching or receding steamboat. Newport,
+the gay world of the summer metropolis of fashion, loomed up in the
+distance, looking as beautiful as an alliance of art with nature could
+make a favored location. This was the Mecca toward which those on board
+directed their eyes and thoughts.
+
+Evening came, and with it a refreshing breeze. Once more the _Gem_ was
+under headway, and shortly after sundown the little vessel was safely in
+port, her anchor dropped, and the sails snugly furled. As soon as
+everything was made shipshape on board, Handy and a member of the
+company rowed ashore to see how the land lay from a stroller's point of
+view as well as to select a site for the tent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+     "What strange things we see and what queer things we do."
+     --'TIS ENGLISH, YOU KNOW.
+
+
+It was the height of the season. The colony was alive with the wealthy
+and fashionable ones of the republic. Thousands of bright lights shone
+through the clearness of the purple night, and music filled the summer
+air with melodious sound. Life, apparently devoid of care, and pleasures
+with youth, beauty and excitement, were blended in harmonious ensemble.
+Handy took in the entire situation. He read, and read correctly, too,
+the constituency to which he was about to appeal. An ordinary theatrical
+company going there and hiring a hall, he concluded, would be nothing
+out of the usual run, and the chances are the performance would fall
+flat, stale and unprofitable. The possibility for the success of the
+tent, on account of its novelty, appealed strongly to his optimistic
+imagination. He was determined to carry the place by storm. A vacant lot
+close to one of the fashionable drives was secured for the scene of the
+thespian operations.
+
+"Here pitch we our tent," said Handy, "and don't you make any bloomin'
+error about it. 'Tis the boss place. Elegant surroundings; magnificent
+locality, easy to reach, and lots of room for carriages to come and go!"
+
+It may, perhaps, be as well to mention that the date selected for the
+entertainment was Saturday, just two nights ahead. For that same night a
+grand operatic concert was announced, under the patronage of an aspiring
+clique, in another part of the town. Good artists, though somewhat
+ancient, were billed to take part in it. The craze for the antique then,
+as now, had no such potency as may be positively relied upon.
+Well-seasoned age has its disadvantages. Fashion is ever capricious in
+the selection of objects for its recognition. So far as Handy was
+concerned, the operatic enterprise did not in the least disturb his
+mind.
+
+It was rather late when he got aboard. All hands, however, were on the
+look-out for him, anxiously awaiting his return. He briefly summed up
+the result of his work on shore; explained what he purposed to do, and
+concluded by impressing upon the members of his company the necessity of
+making all preparations with a view to rapid movements both before and
+after the performance.
+
+After all the others had turned in for the night Handy remained on deck
+cogitating over his plans and perplexing his brain over approaching
+futurities. At length he too stretched himself out for sleep. He was up
+with the sun. Like a celebrated statesman of bygone days, he was going
+to make the greatest effort of his life.
+
+By noon next day he received from the local printer the proof sheet of a
+bill of the play. It was a curiosity in its way, and a copy of it may
+interest the reader. It read as follows:
+
+                 THE INDEPENDENT THEATRE!
+
+          The Greatest Show of its Kind on Earth!
+
+                     FUN UNDER A TENT.
+
+                _On this Saturday Evening_
+
+    Will be presented for the first and only occasion,
+    Under the Distinguished Patronage of Everybody,
+    the Great Spectacular and Classic Pantomime
+    HUMPTY DUMPTY,
+
+       _By a company of well trained star artists._
+
+        The Only Show of its Quality in Existence.
+
+    Those who see the performance will never forget it.
+
+                 Secure Your Seats Early.
+
+    _By special request of a number of distinguished visitors the
+    performance will not begin until 8:30._
+
+            Carriages may be ordered for any hour.
+
+    Box sheet ready at noon Saturday, corner of Vanderbilt and
+    Astor Avenues.
+
+When Handy read the programme to his company they were so astonished
+they scarcely knew what to say. At first they appeared to regard it as a
+joke. Handy's manner betokened earnestness. His companions thought it
+best to withhold their curiosity and await further developments. Their
+manager they knew to be a man of action--a species of Oscar Hammerstein
+in embryo, with a blending of Wilkins Micawber and Mulberry Sellers
+mixed in.
+
+The company employed the afternoon in folding circulars and programmes.
+Handy himself was deep in the study of the elite directory, and under
+his direction a large number of envelopes were carefully addressed. The
+work went on systematically. Night at last arrived, and all hands
+enjoyed a respite from clerical labor. At nine o'clock the company went
+ashore, carrying with them their tent, costumes and properties--such as
+they were. It was a busy night on land, and their strenuous exertions,
+under the cover of darkness, accomplished wonders under Handy's
+guidance. It was next door to daylight when they got back to the ship to
+take a rest before the arduous work of the eventful day began.
+
+Before noon the canvas showhouse on the corner was the principal subject
+of conversation throughout the town. During the night the strollers had
+set up their tent, and there was scarcely a house in town in which they
+had not placed handbills and circulars announcing the coming
+performance. No matter where an inhabitant wandered one of the "Humpty
+Dumpty" programmes was sure to be found. The people at first glance
+regarded the announcement with some degree of doubt, but the appearance
+of the tent, with the flags flying, dispelled that fear. The tent seemed
+to have got there by magic. Like the palace of Aladdin, it had sprung
+into existence during the night. Its appearance excited curiosity and
+provoked gossip, and the announcement of "Humpty Dumpty" was a puzzle.
+With the most unparalleled nerve messenger boys were dispatched to the
+fashionable cottages with circulars soliciting patronage and inviting
+attendance, and a considerable number of the cottagers, attracted by the
+novelty of the undertaking, concluded it would be a good joke to go to
+see the extraordinary show.
+
+"We'll paralyze 'em," said Handy to his fellow-players, as they were
+grouped together on the stage preparing red lights, which he proposed to
+use as a species of illumination. "Wait until I let the band loose in
+the streets, and if it don't fetch 'em, well, I'll quit the business."
+
+"Handy, methinks we made a bloomin' blunder," remarked the Little 'Un.
+"We ought to have billed the town for a week."
+
+"A week?" queried the property man in some surprise. "Why so, may I ask,
+my noble critic?"
+
+"Well, to be frank with you, because if we did, methinks after once or
+twice having made acquaintance with our band, 'tis dollars to doughnuts
+they would have substantially staked us to leave town."
+
+Handy looked at the speaker with a glance of mingled cynicism and humor,
+and turning to the treasurer inquired, "How is the advance sale?"
+
+"Ninety-seven and a half dollars," replied the secretary of the
+treasury.
+
+"Good enough! We're away ahead of expenses now."
+
+At eight o'clock there was some excitement noticeable down near the
+water convenient to one of the avenues. A few minutes later and the
+band, led by Handy, came forth. As the musicians marched the crowd
+increased. Up the principal street the strollers paraded, preceded and
+accompanied by a crowd of urchins and curiosity seekers. People came to
+the doors to look and hear, and many windows had their occupants. The
+streets were crowded, and by the time the band reached the tent it was
+fairly well filled. It might be as well to say that the majority of
+those who went to witness "Humpty Dumpty" did so for the pure fun of the
+thing, and determined to have the lark out. There was no orchestra, for
+the orchestra was the band, and the band had to do the acting.
+
+The curtain went up somewhere about the hour announced. Had poor dead
+and gone G. L. Fox, the original _Humpty_, and the greatest pantomimist
+of the American stage, been living and among the audience, he could not
+have failed to enjoy the performance. It is impossible to describe it in
+detail.
+
+After a brief period the most friendly relations were established
+between the people before and beyond the footlights. Remarks full of fun
+and humor were freely exchanged. Handy played _Humpty_, and introduced
+by way of variety a breakdown that, in the manipulation of his legs,
+would have made Francis Wilson grow green with envy. Smith was the
+_Pantaloon_, and obligingly entertained the audience, by special
+request, with the song of "Mr. Dooley," in the chorus of which the
+audience joined with vigor. The song is not new, but Smith's particular
+version, as well as his vocal rendition, was. The dwarf, who posed
+somewhat as a magician and sleight-of-hand man, undertook for some
+reason or other to attempt the great Indian box trick. Two gentlemen
+from the audience were invited to come on the stage to tie the performer
+with a rope. This was a most unfortunate move. Two well-known yachtsmen,
+and good sailors to boot, saw the chance for additional fun, and
+accepted the invitation with alacrity. They set to work and knotted the
+little man so tightly that he yelled to them, for heaven's sake, to let
+up. The audience could restrain itself no longer with laughter. It was
+plainly to be recognized that the show was fast drawing to a close.
+
+"Stand him on his head," spoke some one at the rear of the tent.
+
+"Pass him along this way, my hearties, and we'll take a reef in his dry
+goods," cried out someone else.
+
+"We won't do a thing to him," chipped in a third humorist in the center
+of the tent.
+
+The tent was convulsed with laughter and merriment had full swing. It
+was indeed a most remarkable performance, and the best of good nature
+prevailed. At the moment when the hilarity was at its height a commotion
+was heard outside of the tent. The band, or a portion of it, burst forth
+once more in the street with the most discordant sounds mortal ears ever
+heard. This brought the performance on the stage to a close.
+
+"I would never have been able to get them out of the tent," explained
+Handy afterwards, "only for my letting the band--that is, the worst
+portion of it--loose on the outside."
+
+To make a long story short, as the saying goes, the poor players cleared
+over three hundred dollars by the night's show, while the distinguished
+artists who gave grand opera in homeopathic doses in another end of the
+town sang to almost empty benches. Handy told no untruth when he
+announced on the bills that "those who witnessed the performance will
+never forget it."
+
+Years have rolled by since this company of poor strolling players
+attempted "Humpty Dumpty" in Newport, but the memory of that night still
+remains green in the minds of many.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+     "He employs his fancy in his narrative and keeps his recollections
+     for his wit."
+     --RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN.
+
+
+A more delightful morning than that which followed the night of the
+strollers' eventful performance it would be difficult to imagine. It was
+the Sabbath, and the spirit of peace seemed to exercise its influence
+all around. The sun shone brightly; a gentle breeze diffused its cooling
+power, and the surface of the water was calm and placid. The graceful
+yachts riding at anchor were decked as daintily in their gay bunting as
+village maidens celebrating a fete. There was little of active life
+afloat or ashore. Those on board the pleasure craft presented an
+appearance different from that which characterized their movements the
+days previous. It was, indeed, a day of rest.
+
+Among the fleet of pleasure craft lay the _Gem of the Ocean_. She was
+not a comely craft; her sides were weather-beaten, and her general
+appearance homely and unprepossessing; but the same waters that bore the
+others bore her. In her homeliness she presented a strange contrast to
+her surroundings. In the composition of those who were her occupants
+there was still greater difference. The men who trod the decks of the
+yachts were seekers after the pleasures of life, while those on board
+the _Gem_ were engaged in the hard struggle to win bread for the loved
+ones who were miles and miles removed--living in want, perhaps, yet
+hoping for the best and for what expectancy would realize. The one set
+comprised the lucky ones of fortune--the butterflies of fashion; the
+other the strugglers for life--the vagabonds of fate. Yet these
+vagabonds had homes and mothers, wives and children, to whom the rough,
+sun-browned, coarsely clad men of the _Gem of the Ocean_ were their all,
+their world, and on the exertion of whose hands and brain they depended
+for food, raiment, and shelter. These poor strolling players had
+homes,--humble, it is true,--but still they were homes, which they loved
+for the sake of the dear ones harbored there.
+
+The forenoon was spent in letter writing. How eagerly these letters were
+longed for only those who hungered for tidings from absent loved ones
+can explain. There is a magic influence in these silent messengers.
+Freighted with consolation, joy, or sorrow, they are anxiously awaited.
+How much happiness do they not bring into a home when laden with words
+of tenderness and affection! Home! ah, he is indeed no vagabond who has
+a home, however modest, and dear ones awaiting to welcome him when he
+returns, tired and weary with his struggle in the race for advancement.
+
+Before midday the occupation of the morning was completed, and after a
+hearty meal the company gathered aft to pass away the time and talk over
+the past as well as to ventilate the prospects for the future. They were
+enjoying one day's rest, at least. Seated in the companionway was Handy,
+the high priest of the little organization.
+
+"Do you think, gentlemen, on mature reconsideration," began Handy, "we
+might take another shy at 'Uncle Tom,' and do business?"
+
+The subject was thrown out for general discussion. The Little 'Un was
+the first to respond. He had been an _Uncle Tommer_ for years, and his
+views consequently on the matter were regarded with consideration.
+
+"Gentlemen," he commenced, "the 'Uncle Tom' times are dead and gone. The
+play has had its day. To be sure, if it was resurrected and put on with
+what might be called an elaborate presentation, with a phenomenal cast,
+it might catch on for a brief spell. Of course, the cast would be an
+easy enough matter to get, as casts go. Stars nowadays, such as they
+are--Heaven save the mark!--are more plentiful than stock. But let them
+rest at that. I have known the time when there were as many as fifty
+_Uncle Tommers_ on the road--all doing well, if not better. There were
+no theatrical syndicates in those times to limit the enterprise and
+energy of the aspiring though poor and ambitious manager. 'Uncle Tom'
+audiences were different from those who attended other theatrical snaps.
+There was so much of the religious faking mixed in with the old piece
+that it caught the Sunday-go-to-meeting crowd and drew them as a
+molasses barrel will draw flies. That class of people reasoned that
+'Uncle Tom' wasn't a real theatre show--it was a moral show. What fools
+we mortals be? Didn't some poor play actor say that, or did I think it
+out myself? Well, no matter now. But don't the newspapers tell us that
+there was a big bunch of people in New York City at one time who used to
+flock to Barnum's Museum, which stood opposite St. Paul's Church, on
+Broadway, and how they'd scoop in the show there simply because old
+Barnum called his theatre a lecture-room. It was the lecture-room racket
+that caught them. The old showman was a cute one--slick as they made
+'em. When the museum burned down, didn't he go to work and sell the hole
+in the ground the fire made to James Gordon Bennett, the elder, founder
+of _The Herald_, and got the best of the famous editor in the sale into
+the bargain. Ah, those were the good old times!"
+
+"The palmy days of the drama, I suppose," interjected Handy.
+
+"Palmy fiddlesticks!" laughingly chimed in one of the group.
+
+"Oh, joke as you may, boys, but I am giving you the straight goods,"
+continued the Little 'Un, handing out a little bit of reminiscent news
+of days gone by that will never be duplicated.
+
+"He's dead right. Speakin' of those days," added Smith, "I remember well
+the times gone by in the old Bowery Theatre on certain gay and festive
+occasions to have seen as many as seventeen glasses of good old
+Monongahela whisky set up in the green-room and not a man took water
+when called upon to do his duty. They have no green-rooms any more. But
+let me tell you that's where the managers of the present day take their
+cues from, for those after-performance first-night stage suppers that
+are frequently given for the entertainment of the principal players, a
+few select friends, and a big bunch of newspaper scribes. On the stage,
+mind you, not in the green-room, for the green-room is now a thing of
+the past."
+
+"Were you in the old Bowery shop then?" inquired Handy.
+
+"Was I? What! Well, I should smile! You know me. Say, you may talk of
+the realistic drama of these degenerate days--why, they aren't one, two,
+nine with the shows of days gone by. Oh, you may laugh about stage
+realism and chin about real race-horses in racing scenes, and real
+society women to play real ladies, real burglars to crack unreal
+property safes, and real prize-fighters to do their prize-fighting
+fakes, in addition to attempting to act, but let me tell you fellows
+that the managers who are gone never missed a trick when they had to do
+a realistic stunt."
+
+"Well, you ought to know, Smith," said Handy.
+
+"Why, hang it, man alive! they did everything in the show business as
+good then as they do now; and what's more, they didn't have to import
+actors from abroad nor send over to the other side for stage managers to
+teach the company how to act. Was I in the old Bowery in them days? Was
+I? Sure, Mike! I went in there as a call-boy. Let me see--when? Oh, yes,
+I remember. It was the season that 'The Cataract of the Ganges' was
+brought out. Yes, sir, and they gave the 'Cataract' with real water,
+too, and make no bloomin' error about it either!"
+
+"Oh, come, come there, old man! Draw it mild. Don't pile it on too
+thick," interposed the doubting Thomas of the party and the most
+juvenile member of the troupe. "We can't stand all that. We are willing
+to swallow the whisky in the green-room, but water on the stage--oh, no!
+that's a little too much of a good thing. Why, my gentle romancer, the
+Croton water pipes weren't laid in the city in them days. Then how the
+mischief could they give the waterfall scene? With buckets, tubs, or
+with a pump--which? or with all three combined?"
+
+For a moment the speaker was nonplussed for an answer. He felt
+embarrassed, and looked so. He was about to make reply when another of
+the company who, by the way, was an old-timer like himself, boldly came
+to the rescue.
+
+"He's right," boldly asserted the new contributor to the conversation,
+"dead right. I remember the stunt myself."
+
+It may be as well to state that Smith's veracity about theatrical things
+in general was not what it should be. His stories never could keep
+companionship with truth. He had so ingenious a manner of prevarication
+that he actually believed his own tales. If what Smith at odd times,
+when he happened to be in the vein, related of himself was true, then he
+might be credited with having acted in nearly every city this side of
+the Rockies and have supported all the great stars. He was closely
+approaching his fiftieth year, yet he maintained he had participated in
+the principal theatrical productions of a generation previous, with the
+most reckless disregard of probabilities. He seemed to have no
+appreciable estimate of time or place when relating his marvelous
+experiences.
+
+"Yes, sirree," said Smith, "I can call the turn on that trick. Why, the
+thing is as fresh in my mind as if it only happened last night. Maybe
+you don't believe me. Well, every man is entitled to his own belief, but
+let me explain how I remember it so well."
+
+"Fire away! We're all attention."
+
+"Well, it happened in this way. I was engaged in the old National
+Theatre in Chatham Street at the time when the 'Cataract' was brought
+out, and it made old man Purdy, the manager, so hoppin' mad to think
+that his Bowery rival should get the bulge on him with a scene like the
+waterfall that he determined to see Hamblin and go him one better. Now
+what do you think he did?"
+
+"Put on the piece with two cataracts," innocently suggested Handy.
+
+"No, he didn't put on no two cataracts either," replied Smith, somewhat
+indignantly.
+
+"Well, then, be good enough to let us know how he got square."
+
+"He went to work and announced the production of 'Ali Baba and the Forty
+Thieves,' with forty real thieves in the cast. How was that for
+enterprise, eh?"
+
+"Great! Were you in the cast?" inquired the low comedy gentleman.
+
+"Nit! I wasn't of age then. You can't be legally a criminal under age.
+Don't you know there's a society for the protection of crime?"
+
+"Excuse me. No reflection, I assure you. I did not intend to be
+personal. I was merely trying to find out how the old man filled out his
+cast."
+
+"Well, my boy," replied Smith patronizingly, "think it over a minute,
+and you will realize that the morals of the old days were in no respect
+different from those in which we now live. Thieves, then as now, were a
+drug in the market, and the City Hall stood precisely where it stands
+to-day. Thieves in those times frequently masqueraded as grafters."
+
+"Smith," said Handy, "you take the cake," removing the briarwood from
+his mouth to knock the ashes from the bowl preparatory to loading up for
+a fresh pull at the weed.
+
+It was in this harmless manner the afternoon was allowed to slip by in
+the exchange of yarns. Many strange and comical experiences were related
+by the happy-go-lucky little group.
+
+The shades of evening began to fall before there was any perceptible
+lull in the gossip. The past was being rehearsed and made food for the
+present. How often do we not recognize that men live over again their
+past in recalling their experiences in the dead years that have passed
+away for ever! How fondly do they revive old memories, though many of
+them perhaps were associated with pain and sorrow! The poor players
+lived their lives over again in the stories they exchanged on the deck
+of the _Gem of the Ocean_ as she lay at anchor off Newport that peaceful
+Sunday evening.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+     "Every one shall offer according to what he hath."
+     --DEUT.
+
+
+All hands, at Handy's request, turned in early, as he was determined to
+make an early start down the Sound. He had not yet decided where his
+next stand should be. The selection lay between Stonington and New
+London. If fortune continued to favor him he felt confident of
+accomplishing something worth seeking for in either place. There were
+certain reasons, however, why one of them should be steered clear of;
+but Handy's memory as to names was somewhat vague, so he resolved to
+sleep on the thought before he determined on his course.
+
+Handy was the first man up and stirring next morning. The others,
+however, were not far behind. The wind was favorable and the indications
+were all that a sailor could wish for. After a hearty breakfast the
+anchor was weighed and the _Gem_ was once more under way, with all sails
+set. The Little 'Un was somewhat timorous and apprehensive of a
+repetition of the trouble that overcame him the night before they played
+the Long Island town on the circus man's paper, but he appeared to be
+satisfied by Handy's assurance that it never stormed on the Sound in the
+daylight. His looks indicated that he had doubts as to the truth of the
+assurance.
+
+The run down the Sound was uneventful. There was no one sick on board,
+and all were in a cheerful mood when they came to anchor in the Thames
+River, off New London, the town in which Handy finally determined next
+to try his fortune. The company had been out at this time nearly two
+weeks. Though all its members were strong and hearty, their sunburnt
+looks and somewhat dilapidated apparel did not contribute to the
+elegance of their personal appearance. Most of them looked like
+well-seasoned tramps. Handy recognized this. He also knew that though
+the Nutmeg State was at that time regarded as a paradise of tramps, the
+inhabitants did not, as a rule, take kindly to the knights of the road.
+This may be uncharitable and unchristianlike, but people have got to
+accept the situation as they find it.
+
+No one went ashore until after nightfall. Then Handy and Smith made a
+landing in the small boat, and surveyed the situation. An available
+vacant lot was picked out. Ascertaining there was to be an agricultural
+fair there the following Thursday, that night was selected for the
+Strollers' next effort. On the prospectors' return to the vessel a
+council of war was held, at which the plan of operations and course of
+action were freely discussed.
+
+"It won't do," said Handy, "to try them on 'Uncle Tom,' and I hardly
+think they'd stand for 'Humpty Dumpty' as we give it. I've been here in
+the good old summer days before many a time and oft, and I am conversant
+with the kind of audience we've got to stack up against. On mature
+reflection, I have come to the conclusion that a variety or vaudeville
+entertainment this trip will be most likely to appeal to their
+sensibilities. Song and dance, imitations of celebrated histrionic
+celebrities, coon acts, legerdemain exhibitions, the famous Indian box
+trick, and----"
+
+"Easy there," interrupted the dwarf. "Who's goin' to do the box trick?"
+
+"Why, you, of course," replied Handy.
+
+"Not on your life. Count me out on that stunt, Mister Manager. New
+London is a seaport town. There are vessels in port and sailors on
+shore. My Newport experience has taught me a lesson. The sailor men
+there tied me up so darned tight that you'll never get me to undertake
+any such job as that again within a hundred miles of seawater."
+
+"But----"
+
+"No buts about it. I know when I've had enough. Skip me."
+
+"Then I'll do the act myself," retorted Handy, with a slight exhibition
+of feeling.
+
+"K'rect, old man. You're welcome to the stunt. I pass every time when
+there's any rope-tying business in a seawater town."
+
+"Smith, you can give them a banjo solo, do a clog dance, and afterwards
+wrestle with your celebrated imitations you know so well, and do so
+badly, of John Drew, Dave Warfield, Nat Goodwin, Sarah Bernhardt, and
+Sir Henry Irving."
+
+"But I never saw Irving or Bernhardt," interposed Smith.
+
+"Neither did the audience. What's the matter with you? And for a wind-up
+you can give them a stump speech, and I'll bill you as Lew Dockstader,
+second. We have got to make up our programme, please remember. If you
+don't want to take a shy at Dockstader, name someone else equally
+prominent. It's all the same to me. When I do that Indian box trick I
+propose to bill myself as Hermann XI. Darn it, man, we have to have
+names! This company, bear in mind, is made up of an all-star cast."
+
+"All right then, say no more," said Smith.
+
+"Say," continued Handy, addressing the ambitious young man of the
+troupe, "don't you think you could manage to take off Billy Crane? And
+give them some exhibitions of his genius in scenes from his many-sided
+repertory, and we'll star you on the bills."
+
+"Excuse me," replied the comparatively juvenile and promising artist,
+"but might I inquire who is going to look after my wife and the kid if
+that New London congregation should tumble to the joke? No, sir. Mr.
+Crane, permit me to inform you, is a fearless and experienced yachtsman;
+every hair in his head, nautically speaking, is a rope yarn. He is, as
+well, a good actor, and New London is a yachting port. Not on your life!
+Billy Crane is too well known here, so in justice to my physical welfare
+I must decline the honor of being so presented."
+
+"Well, gentlemen," returned Handy somewhat dejectedly, "these
+unseasonable, frivolous, and unbusinesslike objections are really
+disheartening and unworthy of a conscientious member of the histrionic
+calling. Let me tell you that you are the first actor I ever heard of
+ever having declined the distinction of being elevated to the position
+of a star. In the words of the immortal bard, 'Can such things be and
+overcome us like a summer's dream without our special wonder?' Go to.
+Were it not that my hair is red and I have no suitable wig--and what
+would Sweet William be without a wig?--I'd do Crane myself."
+
+After further discussion on minor details the programme was arranged for
+Thursday night. The next day posters were in evidence all through the
+town. The fair grounds were literally strewn with handbills. Handy was a
+great believer in printer's ink, and he used his paper with a lavish
+hand. The show was announced for two nights--Thursday and Saturday. The
+variety entertainment was billed for Thursday night, and "Pinafore,"
+with an all-star cast, was promised for Saturday evening. The company
+had no knowledge about the "Pinafore" scheme. When Handy was questioned
+about it, he satisfied his questioners with the assurance that it was
+all right, and he would explain matters later on. His assurance was
+sufficient. The company knew their man.
+
+Wednesday night the tent was put up. That day Handy succeeded, for a
+consideration, in inducing the country band that played during the day
+at the fair to perform a like office for his show at night, and do the
+duty of an orchestra for the performance.
+
+The afternoon of the day of the show an unexpected storm loomed up,
+which threatened the enterprise with destruction. It seems that Handy
+had visited New London before with a somewhat similar venture, and had
+been compelled by financial circumstances which he was unable to control
+to depart the town in a hurry, leaving behind him an unpaid printer's
+bill. Now a slight omission of that character very easily escaped
+Handy's memory. The printer, on the contrary, being a thoughtful man, on
+finding that Handy was the manager of the new all-star theatrical
+outfit, made his appearance with the sheriff and a writ of attachment.
+For a time the aspect of affairs was anything but cheering. The printer
+was as mad as the traditional hatter. Fortunately the sheriff, who was
+an old Bowery man in days past, and a pretty decent and sympathetic kind
+of a fellow, discovered in Handy an old acquaintance, and magnanimously
+came to the rescue and volunteered to help him out of his difficulties.
+The kind-hearted official guaranteed the payment of the printer's bill,
+to be taken out of the first receipts that came in at the box office.
+This arrangement being mutually agreed upon, the preliminary work
+progressed actively.
+
+The night brought a crowd, composed mainly of the country people who had
+attended the fair. It was the biggest, best natured, and most easily
+entertained audience a theatrical company ever played to. There were
+more bucolic auditors gathered together in the tent than the troupe had
+seen previously. Handy had the country band well in hand. He made them
+play down the main street and parade up to the tent. Then he got them
+inside and astonished his auditors with such a liberal manifestation of
+music that those present could not well decide whether they had come to
+listen to a concert or have an opportunity to see the real "theayter"
+actors. Handy evidently was determined to furnish them with music
+sufficient to last them until the next Fair day. The band played so long
+that the town element among the audience became somewhat unwelcomely
+demonstrative.
+
+The curtain at last arose, and the variety portion of the entertainment
+began. The tent was well filled,--the front rows of seats being
+unpleasantly near the stage. The minstrel act in the first part was
+something unique and original. The country people took it seriously, but
+the town contingent, recognizing the fake element, started in to indulge
+in guying the performers. This incensed the countrymen. They had paid
+their good money to see the show without being subjected to annoyance
+from the town fellows. One particularly strenuous young New London dude
+had his derby smashed by an excited rustic who determined that his
+Phoebe Ann should enjoy the entertainment even if he himself had to make
+peace by teaching the city chap the way to behave himself and keep
+quiet. He evidently meant business and apparently had many friends who
+were not only ready, but willing, to assist him.
+
+All the acts were short--very short--and between each of the acts there
+was more music by the band. At length the performance was brought to a
+close. Before the curtain fell Handy came forward, and, after thanking
+the audience heartily for the magnificent attendance and generous
+support, announced that on Saturday evening he would have great pleasure
+in presenting, providing negotiations in contemplation were perfected,
+for their consideration, the melodious and tuneful grand comic opera,
+"Pinafore," in the presentation of which the company would be reinforced
+by several valuable additions, who were expected to arrive early on
+Saturday from the Metropolitan Grand Opera House.
+
+"Great Scott--'Pinafore!' You don't mean to say," asked a friend a short
+time after hearing of Handy's moving adventures by land and water, "you
+had the nerve to attempt 'Pinafore' with your small band of strolling
+players, eh?"
+
+"Play 'Pinafore'!" replied the irrepressible Handy, with a smile. "Of
+course, not. Never intended to. You see this was the situation; and the
+man who isn't equal to the position in which he places himself is bound
+to come out at the wrong side of the account book, when he is compelled
+to settle up. The 'Pinafore' announcement was for the edification of the
+New Londoners. I recognized the fact that the country people in their
+innocence and goodness of heart would take kindly to the entertainment
+we had prepared for them, but for the town chaps it was an altogether
+different proposition. When I announced 'Pinafore' I felt satisfied they
+would defer their energies and lay low for the 'Merry, Merry Maiden and
+the Tar,' determining to have a little fun of their own kind with us on
+Saturday; but after the performance we struck tent and by early morning
+we were once more out on the Sound for fresh fields and pastures new."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+     "One man in his time plays many parts."
+     --AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+
+If the "boys" of New London looked forward to having a good old summer
+time with Handy and his all-star company the following Saturday evening,
+they were wofully out in their reckoning. Though "Pinafore" was
+announced with due managerial formality, perhaps somewhat ambiguous, for
+that particular occasion, when the time for presentation arrived there
+was not a vestige of either tent or performers. After the entertainment
+on the night of the fair the company went aboard the _Gem of the Ocean_.
+Handy alone remained ashore. As he had been manager, advance and press
+agent, and principal performer, he concluded to add another to his many
+responsibilities and become night watchman. The tent, stage properties,
+etc., had to be guarded, and he undertook the duties of guardian.
+
+"Let no one turn in until I get aboard," said he to Smith, "and you row
+ashore in an hour's time. Mind, don't be later than that, and you
+needn't get here sooner. Tell the boys I have some work for them to do
+before they lay down to rest. Take a bite and a sup and join me here in
+an hour."
+
+The two men parted; one with his companions for the boat at the end of
+the pier and the other to play the part of watchman over his outfit. A
+few of the town chaps lingered in the neighborhood of the tent.
+
+In the country, as in the city, it is remarkable what a fascinating
+influence players exercise over young fellows who are ambitious to be
+regarded as the knowing ones regarding everything appertaining to the
+playhouse. How glibly the beardlings of the twenties or thereabouts will
+use the names of actors with whom perhaps they have never exchanged a
+word, in the silly belief they are raising themselves in the estimation
+of their auditors. It is an odd conceit, yet it prevails with the
+would-be fast young men of the present day. To hear some of these
+mollycoddles prate one who was not acquainted with their weaknesses
+would imagine these chaps were on intimate terms with players--who, as a
+rule, are slow to cultivate new acquaintances, attend strictly to their
+own business, and do not particularly relish that particular class of
+hanger-on. No man knew this type better than Handy. However, he never
+antagonized them. That he considered would not be wise policy. He
+good-naturedly humored them with much superficial gossip that really
+meant nothing. His good nature never forsook him, and he always had his
+temper well under control. He knew to a nicety the side his bread was
+buttered on. That happy-go-lucky disposition of his stood him in good
+stead many a time, and his free-and-easy manner of drawing people out
+frequently served as an aid to determine his future course of action.
+The limited exchange of conversation he had with the loungers satisfied
+him that he was right in his estimate that there would be a hot time in
+the old town on Saturday night if he remained. Finally the last dallier
+had his say, and, after an exchange of cordial good nights, departed.
+
+Smith was at this time about due, and as he was noted for his
+promptitude, he was on hand to keep his date when the hour expired.
+
+"What's the lay now, Handy, old man?" inquired Smith, as he joined his
+manager.
+
+"Only this, and nothing more," replied the veteran melodramatically.
+"There's blood upon the face of the moon, an' blow my buttons, if your
+Uncle Rube is going to supply the gore. See!"
+
+The answer was not altogether satisfactory, and Smith apparently was
+unable to grapple with the problem. It puzzled him; but then Handy
+himself was at all times more or less of a conundrum to him.
+
+"Now then, bear a hand, send the boat back and get the company ashore as
+speedily as possible. We have a few good hours' work on hand before we
+turn in."
+
+Smith made quick time, and it was not long before the members of the
+all-star combination began to materialize out of the obscurity of the
+night as noiselessly as shadows.
+
+"Say, boys," began Handy, in a low tone of voice confidentially, "we
+move to-night, and I want you to strike tent, pack and get everything
+aboard without delay. I'll explain all later on."
+
+"Move to-night!" repeated Smith. "Don't we play here Saturday night?"
+
+"Nary a play," responded the manager.
+
+"But you announced 'Pinafore' from the stage!"
+
+"Of that fact I am well aware," replied Handy, "but don't you know that
+'Pinafore' is an opera, and let me further inform you that
+disappointments in opera are quite the regular thing. In fact, an
+impresario cannot get along legitimately, my boy, in grand opera or in
+fact any old kind of opera, without disappointments every now and then.
+The public expect operatic disappointments. They come naturally, and
+sometimes come as a godsend. You never can tell when a particular opera
+is announced what you are going to get."
+
+"Then why don't you substitute something in place of 'Pinafore?'" meekly
+suggested the Little 'Un.
+
+"Pardon me, my unthinking friend, but you lose sight of the fact that
+substitutions are always unsatisfactory, if not positively dangerous.
+Besides, they are strong evidences of weakness. We are nothing if not
+strong and resourceful. Suppose I substituted 'Faust,' for instance, and
+announced it with Melba as _Marguerite_, and suppose again that the
+famous Astralasian prima donna caught an attack of the American grip
+that same afternoon, it would hardly do to substitute Marie Cahill or
+May Irwin to take her place, that is, provided we could have induced
+either of those distinguished artists to become the great diva's
+substitute. Oh, no! 'Tis out of the question. But, come, get a move on
+you. Let us be just to a public that has treated us well."
+
+The members of Handy's company were under good discipline. They were
+satisfied that he had valid reasons for this sudden change of base, and
+therefore, went cheerfully to work. Handy himself started for the
+water-side, and after a brief absence was once more among them, doing
+the work of two men and encouraging his companions by energetic action
+and example. Their task was accomplished without the aid of light save
+that which was afforded them by the bright stars overhead. It was an
+hour before dawn when everything was placed on board and the tired
+strollers had gone below to court the rest and repose they both longed
+for and needed.
+
+"Let her swing out in the stream away from the dock, captain," ordered
+Handy, when they were ready to start. "The tide is nearly flood and we
+can drop down the river with the first of the ebb. We can get outside
+early and then determine where next we'll make for."
+
+"Aye, aye, sir," replied the skipper.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+     "Originality is nothing more than judicious imitation."
+     --VOLTAIRE.
+
+
+Next morning when the company appeared they were not a little surprised
+to find themselves far out to sea. The day was bright and all hands were
+in a cheerful mood. The first question asked of the energetic manager
+was "Where next?" He turned toward the inquirer and replied he never
+discussed business on an empty stomach when he had the opportunity of
+doing so on a full one.
+
+"Lay her course south by east, cap," was his brief order to the sailing
+master. "Rather fancy we'll run in somewhere near Oyster Bay--where,
+I'll tell you later on."
+
+When breakfast was served ample justice was done to the repast. Here, be
+it said, the company lived well. The best the market afforded was not
+too good for them. Handy was as capable a judge of a beefsteak as any
+man on the boards, and he bought the best. His companions knew it, and
+were willing at all times to go with a commission to the shop.
+
+"Were you ever in the market, governor?" inquired the Little 'Un at the
+close of the meal.
+
+"Yes, sir. I have frequently been in the market," was the prompt reply,
+"but like many other willing and anxious individuals somehow or other,
+no one ever reached my price."
+
+"Oh, I didn't mean that, old man. I simply meant were you ever employed
+in a meat market, for that was as nice a piece of steak as I ever
+tackled, it was so tender and juicy. Unless a fellow was a judge he
+never could have picked out such a choice cut."
+
+"Oh, I did not quite comprehend you! I now catch on. Well, you all, of
+course, know that I served in the army and----"
+
+"I told you," whispered Smith, in a humorous aside, "he was a butcher."
+
+"And, as I was about to remark, I had much experience in the
+commissariat depart----"
+
+"Say," interposed the Little 'Un, who had frequently been an unwilling
+and tired listener to very many of Handy's well-worn war stories, "are
+you agoing to ring in a war story on us, old pard?"
+
+"Well, I was merely about to explain that in keeping with my army
+experience that----"
+
+"Nuff sed," remarked the dwarf, rising from his seat. "Good morning!"
+
+"Some other morning" echoed Smith, and he too rose from his seat.
+
+"Me, too. Ta ta! Tra la la!" lilted the light comedy man, as he pushed
+his empty plate to one side, and one by one the remainder of the
+Pleiades rose in solemn silence before Handy had time to realize that
+his war stories were away below par among the members of his company.
+
+Handy remained alone for some time below, probably turning over in his
+mind the problem of the next venture, and then went on deck. He found
+his companions taking things easy in free and easy positions aft. It was
+a forenoon to satisfy every desire of those who love the open air. The
+wind was light--a nice sailing breeze--and the sun was not too warm. Few
+words were spoken, save inconsequent remarks now and then on some
+passing sail. The monotony of the situation was finally broken by the
+manager, as he proceeded to unburden himself of his intentions for the
+next entertainment.
+
+"Our next move will be to play Saturday night, that is, to-morrow, in
+one of these little towns near by on the Long Island shore, and with
+that performance bring our tour to a close, return to the city, get a
+few more good people and lay out a new route. We have done fairly well,
+all things considered, on this trip, and we can afford to strengthen our
+organization and give the public something better, if not stronger. The
+pieces we have been presenting are rather ancient,--almost too
+classic,--though I must admit we offered them in a somewhat original
+manner. We must, however, keep pace with the times--be up to date. The
+simple life is all very fine in books, but, my friends, 'tis the
+strenuous life that produces the stuff. Excuse slang, but it is much
+employed nowadays, and vigorous emphasis is used even by the most
+refined. If we don't get new attractions I am afraid we may have to
+resort to giving away souvenirs. Souvenirs have, in their day, had all
+the potency of a bargain counter in a popular department store well
+advertised. Personally, I do not take kindly to the souvenir business.
+It isn't professional."
+
+"That's all right," conceded Smith, "but an old piece frequently becomes
+new when you subject it to unique treatment. Now, for example, I don't
+think anyone has any kick coming at the original manner in which we gave
+'Uncle Tom's Cabin' and 'Humpty Dumpty.' No one ever saw them so
+presented before. Of course, if we had one of these modern Shakespeares,
+that the commercial managers keep on tap, we could have a piece written
+for us while we were under way to the next night stand. But that's out
+of the question. I would like, in common with the rest of the push, to
+know what is going to be our next offering."
+
+"Let me see. Just a moment's pause," replied Handy thoughtfully. "We
+might do a bit of a tragedy if we had the props, but we haven't got
+them. Besides, the trouble with most tragedies, as a rule, is the long
+cast, and in addition they do not give a compact all-star organization
+such as ours a chance to show what we really can do. We gave them our
+version of _Uncle Tom_ nearly two weeks ago; and outside of Brooklyn, I
+conscientiously believe that once a year is often enough for the
+remainder of Long Island. On mature consideration, therefore, I have
+come to the conclusion that our best offering would be a minstrel grand
+opera concert entertainment. We have made an impression in that
+direction, and I am in favor of that which will sustain the reputation
+we have so admirably earned."
+
+"Who's going to sing the solos, old man?" asked the Little 'Un. "You
+know, boss, the boys ain't much on the sing. They can work along all
+right with a good strong chorus when they once get started and warmed
+up, but when it comes down to the fine single throat work I am afraid
+we'll get in the soup."
+
+"He's dead right," put in Smith, "the single singing--solos, I believe
+they call them--in the first part will be a hard nut to crack. We can't
+give a minstrel show without a first part. They'd never believe we were
+operatic minstrels without it, even if we didn't black up."
+
+"Hold! Enough!" cried Handy, in his favorite Macbeth voice. "You make me
+a bit tired with this kind of baby talk. Haven't you fellows got common
+sense enough to know that it is not absolutely necessary to have a voice
+to be a singer? Suppose a singer once had a voice and lost it, would
+that be a good and sufficient reason for him or her to get out of the
+business? How many of them do it, eh? It is just the same with the
+singing trade as it is in our overcrowded profession. How many of the
+so-called actors that inundate the stage quit the boards when they
+know--if they know anything--they have no talent for it. You fellows
+give me a pain. Voices and singing! Pshaw! I'll fix all that! I'll give
+a couple of you good high-sounding Eyetalian names, and I'll announce
+you as hailing from the Royal Imperial Conservatory of Stockholm, and
+I'd like to see the Long Island jay that will say you couldn't sing,
+even if you had as little music in your voice as the acrobatic star of a
+comic opera company."
+
+"And now will you be good?" playfully chirruped in Smith.
+
+"Now, Nibsy, you will have to tackle a solo; and as you are to be
+announced as a foreigner, you must treat your audience to something
+different from anything they have heard before. As you will sing it, of
+course, none of those present, with, possibly, the exceptions of a few,
+will undertake to understand what you are driving at. A few will pretend
+they do--there are know-alls in every audience; the majority will take
+their cue from them, and that will settle the matter."
+
+"I tumble. But might I ask if you have any choice in the operatic
+selection."
+
+"No; none in particular, only that you must avoid any of the very
+familiar airs from 'Faust,' 'Trovatore,' or 'Lohengrin.' These great
+works have been so hackneyed by frequent repetitions at the Metropolitan
+Opera House and Hammerstein's, and Sunday sacred concerts, that they
+have been worn threadbare and become as commonplace as 'Mr. Dooley' or
+'Harrigan.' Now let me think. Ah, yes! Have you heard that comparatively
+new opera by Punch and Ella called 'Golcondo?'"
+
+"Search me. No."
+
+"Well, then, I don't think the audience have either," replied Handy, "so
+your first solo will be from that delightful composition!"
+
+"And for the encore, what?"
+
+"The last part over again, if you can remember it, and we'll help you
+out in the chorus."
+
+"Say, can't you let me know the name I am going to honor? And, by the
+way, there's one thing more I wish to be enlightened on. Will it be
+necessary for me to speak with a foreign accent before the show, in case
+I come across any of the inhabitants of the town before I go on?"
+
+"Oh, no! That is not absolutely necessary. Don't you know that many of
+the Eyetalian opera singers in these days are Irish, some are English, a
+big bunch are Dutch, Poles or Scandinavians, and quite a sprinkling of
+them Americans. No, it isn't essential to use the accent in private. You
+will be announced as Signor Nibsinsky!"
+
+"Is that an Eyetalian name?"
+
+"Oh, Nibs, don't be so specific. Nibsinsky is as valid a name as any
+artist might select to adopt. I give it the Russian smack because of my
+Russian proclivities."
+
+"Say no more, old man. Let it go at that."
+
+"So far as the chorus is concerned, we know where we stand and what we
+can do--and the audience will before the show is over. As for jokes and
+funny business--they are easy. But, say, we ought to ring in a couple of
+instrumental solos. The banjo, of course, will do for one. It is new,
+because it is very old. So that's all right. For the other--now, let me
+think. By Jove, I've struck it! Little 'Un, you can do a violin solo in
+great shape."
+
+"What! Me do a violin solo," answered the dwarf. "Why, you know very
+well I can only play a little bit, and only in an amateur way. Oh, no!
+Oh, no! Not this trip."
+
+"Easy there, my festive fiddler. Easy there, and loan me your ear. I'll
+arrange that all right. You will be announced as a pupil of the great
+Ysaye, and of course, being a pupil of that wonderful magician of the
+violin, you must start in with a classical selection from one of those
+old masters. Which of them there's no use wasting time over. They won't
+be recognized. Then when it comes for you to get in your classic work,
+all you've got to do is to play as crazy as you can, bend your body, hug
+your fiddle, make your bow saw wood over the strings, look at times as
+if you were going into a trance or a fit, do any blame thing that may
+appear eccentric--for that, you know, is one of the characteristics of
+genius and originality--and you'll catch the crowd every time."
+
+"But, say, Handy, what about the wig?"
+
+"Oh, that's all serene. We've got it. You don't for a moment imagine I
+would have you go on as a star fiddler without a bushy head of hair! Not
+much. As the poet sings--'There's music in the hair.'"
+
+"That settles it. My mind is easier now."
+
+"But that's not all. When you get through with your classical gymnastics
+on the instrument, I will come down to the front and announce that you
+will kindly give an imitation of an amateur player wrestling with 'Home,
+Sweet Home.' There will be your great opportunity. The worse you play it
+the more successful you will be, for, don't you see, you will be closer
+to nature. I think that will be a great stunt. Don't you, boys?"
+
+They all thought it would be immense; at least, so they said. The Little
+'Un himself fairly chuckled with glee at the prospects of being an
+amateur virtuoso of the fiddle, even for one night only. The remainder
+of the programme was quickly made up. One or two brief sketches and a
+rather rough and tumble arrangement for the close, which the
+enterprising managers designated as "The Strollers' Melange," completed
+the night's entertainment.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI
+
+    "All places that the eye of Heaven visits
+    Are to the wise man ports and happy havens."
+    --RICHARD II.
+
+
+By midday the _Gem of the Ocean_, aided by a favoring wind, made good
+time and Handy determined to run in to a convenient little cove near
+Oyster Bay. He knew the locality and felt satisfied that if he had his
+usual share of luck he could make good and therefore add something to
+the company's treasury. By one o'clock the anchor was dropped and he and
+Smith made a landing and both started to do the usual prospecting. They
+were successful beyond their expectations. The little town which they
+proposed to honor with a visit was not far from the water. A small grove
+and a hill shut it out from a view of the Sound. The main road ran down
+to a narrow inlet which served as a kind of harbor for fishing boats,
+oyster sloops and clammers. Handy's well-trained eye lighted on an
+eligible site for the tent. It was a nice level plot with a fence about
+it. A good-natured Irishman named McGuiness owned the property, and
+Handy lost no time in opening negotiations and getting on his right
+side.
+
+"An' yez want the use of the lot for a concert minstrel entertainment?"
+inquired the proprietor.
+
+"Yes," replied Handy, "and for to-morrow night."
+
+"An' yez are going to give the show under the cover of a tint?"
+
+"That's about the size of it."
+
+"Have yez got the tint?"
+
+"We have, and the show that goes with it, and what's more, after you
+have witnessed the performance you'll say it is the best that ever
+struck the town. Moreover, I want you to bring your whole family with
+you and have seats in the first row for all of them."
+
+"Well," said McGuiness, "I don't mind lettin' yez have the use of the
+lot, an' I'll do all I kin, in a quiet way, to help yez along, but
+there's one thing I want to be afther tellin' yez, an' it is this, that
+I'm thinkin' there will be the divil to pay whin Mr. Dandelion finds out
+there's going to be a minstrel entertainment here."
+
+"How's that?" inquired Handy, "and who is Mr. Dandelion?"
+
+"He's a very dacint kind of man, as min run at present," replied
+McGuiness, "even if he is a Methodist preacher, but he hates showmin
+like snakes. He don't seem to want the young people to have any fun or
+amusement at all, at all, shure. That's why I'm afraid he will raise
+ould Harry when he finds yez here. An' then again, don't yez see,
+there's a fair goin' on in his church, an' to-morrow is to be the big
+day, and iv yez are goin' to have your show to-morrow night, don't yez
+see he may think you would draw off some of his customers? Well, I don't
+go to his church, God help me, so yez kin have the use of the ground.
+But looka heer. Whisper, if it's all the same to you, don't put up the
+tint till after nightfall. I'll see yez again. I'm goin' home now," and
+Mr. McGuiness walked slowly up the road.
+
+"Smith, me boy," spoke Handy, as soon as Mr. McGuiness was out of
+hearing, "we have struck a bonanza. Are we in it? Well, this is the best
+ever! Say, old fellow, when that sky-pilot casts his eyes on that tent
+of ours to-morrow morning there will be something doing about these
+diggins, and don't you forget it. Why, the amount of advertising he will
+give the show will do us more service than if we planted twenty acres of
+posters all over the fences that adorn the smiling landscape of this
+peaceful and prosperous community. Let us go aboard at once. The main
+biz is done. It's a dead sure cinch, Horatio."
+
+No move was made on board until ten o'clock. The place was then as still
+as a country church-yard, and scarcely a light was to be seen in any of
+the houses when Handy and his company took possession of the lot and
+began the preliminaries for the following day's operations.
+
+A few hours of energetic work and the tent was set up, and later on the
+stage properties, costumes and musical instruments were all safely
+lodged under the cover of the canvas. Two of the organization remained
+on guard and the others returned to the _Gem_.
+
+The unexpected appearance of the tent next morning took the inhabitants
+completely by surprise. No one could tell how it got there. Like a
+mushroom it came up overnight. The farm-hands on their way to work
+halted to look it over; the oystermen and clammers on the way to their
+boats loitered near the spot to inspect it, and by nine o'clock most of
+the boys and girls within a mile of the place spread the news broadcast
+that there was an actors' show in town. About ten o'clock the news had
+reached the dominie, and half an hour later he was in consultation with
+the leading lights of his congregation. The consensus of views induced
+them to call upon Mr. McGuiness. The tent was on his property, and he,
+they concluded, when appealed to would no doubt order the trespassers
+off. They considered it an abomination, from their standpoint, for him
+to permit show-actors to offer an entertainment, and more especially on
+the last day of the church fair, when a numerous gathering was expected.
+A committee was accordingly appointed to wait on Mr. McGuiness, but
+unfortunately that gentleman was nowhere to be found.
+
+At two o'clock in the afternoon Handy gave a free concert in front of
+the tent. The audience, it is needless to say, was not a critical one
+and was easily pleased. When it was over and the energetic manager
+announced a display of fireworks in the evening, both before and after
+the performance, there wasn't a youngster within the sound of his voice
+who did not spread the cheering information far and wide. Those who came
+to attend the fair in the little church performed that duty early in the
+afternoon and afterward arranged to visit the tent show of the actors
+later on in the evening. The display of fireworks was not what one might
+expect to witness at Manhattan Beach in the height of the season, when
+that popular resort was swept by ocean breezes and when the renowned
+Pain was there, but there was sufficient red fire burned to light up the
+surrounding country. There was a crowd outside and when the doors were
+opened there was a rush for seats.
+
+The house or tent was filled in a short time, and the audience was
+treated to a polyglot entertainment of the most remarkable character.
+Nibsinsky's Eyetalian selections were listened to with some degree of
+attention and a considerable measure of perplexity. He could not be
+considered a success and no inducements could compel him to repeat the
+performance. But these things will occasionally happen even with some of
+the latest edition of stars! Ysaye's musical prodigy made some
+extraordinary exhibitions with his classical contortions, but his
+imitations of an amateur violinist with "Home, Sweet Home" won the
+approval of all present and brought down the house. It was voted the
+best thing of the whole show. The familiar choruses too pleased the
+young folks, so much so that they all joined in and had a jolly time.
+The grown people laughed heartily over all the threadbare jokes that
+were given, and which have been passing current in every minstrel show
+and country circus from the days of Dan Rice down to Lew Dockstader.
+
+"It was, I have an idea, the worst show we ever gave," declared Handy a
+few days after while speaking of it, "but the people seemed to like it.
+Just as it is in New York, it is a difficult matter to strike public
+taste. That's what makes the manager's life like unto that of a
+policeman's--not a happy one. The people who paid to see the show made
+no complaint, and I don't think that I should."
+
+"Do you think the dominie's opposition hurt your entertainment much?"
+
+"Hurt it! Not in the slightest. On the contrary, I believe it benefited
+it. His opposition advertised the entertainment, and, by the way,
+advertising is another of these vexed problems most difficult of
+solution. I felt I owed his reverence something for what he
+unintentionally accomplished in our behalf, so how do you think I got
+square with him?"
+
+"That's too much for me, old chap," answered his friend. "How?"
+
+"Well, the next day was Sunday, and before we got away I called on Mr.
+McGuiness, to return him thanks for the way he treated us. 'Mr.
+McGuiness,' said I, 'you have been kind and generous to my little
+company of players, who are doing their best to make an honest living in
+their own peculiar way. I now come again to you to ask that you do me
+one more favor.' 'What is it?' said he. 'It is this,' said I. 'Will you
+accompany me to call on the dominie? He helped me with his opposition
+last night, and I want to get square with him if I can.' McGuiness
+hesitated. 'Oh, don't fear,' I assured him. 'I mean no harm. The fair at
+the little church, I learned, was to swell the fund that's being raised
+to help the widow and orphan. I want you to go with me to ask the
+dominie to accept the offering of a few poor strolling players to
+increase the fund.' McGuiness thrust his hand toward me, but said
+nothing. I could see he was affected, for there was a watery look in his
+eyes. We walked together in silence down the road until we reached the
+little church."
+
+"And the dominie?"
+
+"He met us like a man. And when I explained my errand, and handed him
+our little dole, and turned as if to leave, big, good-hearted McGuiness,
+his voice somewhat affected by his feelings, said, 'Howld on a minnit; I
+don't know, dominie, what he's givin' you, and what's more I don't care,
+but you can count on me, dominie, for double the amount.'
+
+"I don't know when I felt so happy, as I walked down to the shore,
+between the dominie and McGuiness, for I felt we had done an act that
+men might well feel an honest pride in, while we made two men friends in
+that little village who might otherwise have remained estranged."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII
+
+     "There are more things in Heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
+     dreamt of in your philosophy."
+     --HAMLET.
+
+
+The sun was making a golden set behind the skyscrapers of Manhattan as
+the _Gem of the Ocean_ tied up to a wharf in the East River. The cruise
+was at an end. Taken as a whole, the venture had been successful. Those
+who embarked in it were once more back in sight of the great city, with
+lighter hearts and heavier pockets than when they left not quite a month
+before. All had had an agreeable time, and, what was of more importance,
+a profitable experience. Anxious ones were awaiting them. The strolling
+players, contrary to the practice of many of their guild who start out
+on similar ventures, did not return empty-handed. They had practical
+results to vouch for and explain their absence. Their endeavors had not
+resulted in all work and no pay. If they had anxious moments and at
+times hard work, they had their recompense and earned their reward, and
+there were homes in which assistance was needed. They were solicitous,
+too, to hasten to the cherished ones who were waiting to welcome them,
+for strange as it may appear to the unthinking, the poor players who
+fret and strut their brief hours upon the stage have homes--homes that
+they prize beyond aught else and which to many of them are perhaps more
+dearly prized than is the marble palace by the millionaire. No one knew
+this better than Handy. He therefore lost no time in bringing his craft
+into port.
+
+"We can't complain, boys," he exclaimed, "after all is said and done, of
+our undertaking. Here we are again under the lee of the big city, with
+money in our pockets and our homes close at hand. You are not sorry you
+took the chances," he continued, as the company gathered together before
+separating. "May good fortune always smile upon enterprise."
+
+"Amen!" responded Smith, who regarded that ejaculation as the proper
+climax to his manager's peroration.
+
+In half an hour the company were all ashore, each member homeward bound,
+and possibly turning over in his mind the many eventful episodes of the
+trip preparatory to relating them to those who might question them about
+the exploit. Stories of this character lose nothing by repetition.
+
+Handy and his fellow-craftsmen had not been home a week when their
+adventures became the talk of the town, especially among the theatrical
+fraternity. As usual in somewhat similar cases, every impecunious player
+became desirous of immediately starting out upon the uncertain sea of
+theatricals. They reasoned that if a man like Handy could succeed, why
+could not they also turn the trick? Could they not even improve on his
+tactics? Of course they could! Were they not, they argued, better actors
+and had they not more experience as managers? Of course they were, and
+had! Where Handy had made twenties and fifties, might not they pick up
+hundreds? Of course there could be no doubt on that score. All this kind
+of speculation in words, however, ended only in talk. Those who indulged
+in it were mere theorists--not men of action and active brain like the
+commander of the _Gem of the Ocean_ expedition, who put into execution
+his plans after he had well considered them.
+
+When the veteran made his reappearance on the Rialto he looked as if he
+might be at peace with all mankind. He had nothing worse than a smile,
+even for his enemies. But then his enemies were few. His proverbial good
+humor and honesty of purpose disarmed the envious. The influence of
+kindly smiles and generous impulses go further in this matter-of-fact
+world than many people are willing to acknowledge. A cheerful and
+encouraging word frequently helps in the accomplishment of a task which
+without its influence might fall flat. Handy's dominant quality was his
+uniform good nature. He rarely looked on the dark side of life. He, no
+doubt, knew what it meant, but he never paraded his hardships before the
+world or bored friends or acquaintances with the hard luck of his lot.
+At times he was blue--what man at odd times is not so?--but at such
+periods he veiled his heart, face, and feelings and drew the sunshine of
+a smile between his disappointments and the outside world. With such a
+disposition success, as a rule, is but a question of time.
+
+When he made his first appearance among his confreres his manner was a
+study. His face, from constant exposure in the sun, was bronzed and
+ruddy and his general get up was what his old friend Smith pronounced
+"regardless." In fact, Handy looked so well he scarcely recognized
+himself. He generally felt well, but to look the part and feel it is
+altogether a different proposition. His adventures with his all-star
+company had been so freely discussed in every haunt where actors most do
+congregate that inside of a week after the Pleiades returned the
+frequenters of the Rialto had the story by heart.
+
+The grand comic opera episode at Oyster Bay especially appealed to a
+number of Handy's admirers. There were several who intimated that he go
+right in for grand polyglot opera and try and get hold of the
+Metropolitan Opera House. He smiled knowingly at the suggestion, and
+furthermore gave his volunteer advisers to understand that, in his
+estimation, that institution was under the control of much more
+accomplished fakers than his ambition aimed to reach. Besides, he
+reasoned, he was not the kind of man to attempt to take the bread and
+butter away from some other fellow. "My policy," said he, "is to live
+and let live; and if you cannot get enough people with the long green,
+as they call it, to at least guarantee the rent for the sake of art,
+fashion, and display--or as the English song puts it, 'for England,
+home, and booty'--the next best thing to do is to buy, borrow, or beg a
+tent and start out and go it alone in the open."
+
+One evening as Handy was on his way homewards he accidentally ran across
+a friend who, as the saying goes, had seen better days, and who had at
+various times a widespread acquaintance with the ups and downs of
+theatrical life. This man's name was Fogg--Philander Fogg. In his way he
+was as much a character as Handy himself. The ways of each, though, were
+dissimilar. Fogg was what the Hon. Bardwell Slote would designate as a Q
+K (curious cuss). He on one occasion distinguished himself as an amateur
+actor, and barely escaped with his life in New Jersey for attempting to
+play _Othello_ as a professional. In person he was tall, very slim, very
+bald, slightly deaf, and as fresh as a daisy. He had a general and
+miscellaneous acquaintance. His friends liked him because of his
+inability to see a joke. The consequence was they had many amusing
+experiences at Fogg's expense. The gossip of the stage he cherished and
+cultivated. This made him a favorite with a large circle of female
+acquaintances who go in for all that kind of thing. People living, as it
+were, on the fringe of society, who lay the flattering unction to their
+souls that they are living in Bohemia, and they are never so happy as
+when they are settled in the company of some pseudo-player discussing
+the drama and ventilating the small talk of the stage.
+
+When Handy encountered Fogg the latter appeared in a hurry. There was
+nothing new in that, however. No one who had any acquaintance with him
+knew him to be otherwise. There are such people to be met every day and
+everywhere. He was a type.
+
+"The very man I was looking for," was his greeting, on meeting Handy. "I
+want you to help me out. Great scheme! I'll take you in. I'm in a great
+hurry now to keep an appointment. Important, very important! Where can I
+meet you to-morrow forenoon? How have you been? Are you up in
+Beausant--no, Col Damas, I mean? Don't you do anything until you see me!
+Can you get Smith to----"
+
+"Hold! Enough!" interposed Handy. "Fogg, what do you take me for? A mind
+reader or a lightning calculator? Now, then, one thing at a time! What's
+up?"
+
+"I am going to have a testimonial benefit, and I want you to manage the
+stage and play a part. Do you catch on?"
+
+"Business," answered Handy. "Anything in it, or is it a thank-you job?"
+
+"Why, my boy, there's a cold five hundred plunks in it. Society ladies
+on the committee. They will dispose of the tickets. One of them wants to
+act. I've promised to let her try and give her the opening. 'The Lady of
+Lyons' will be the play, and I will be the _Claude_."
+
+"Well, Fogg, may the Lord have mercy on the audience--as well as on
+_Melnotte_."
+
+"Oh, hold up, old chap. Don't be rough on a fellow. You know very well I
+have played much more difficult roles. Haven't I played _Hamlet_?"
+
+"You have, indeed," answered Handy, "and played the devil with him,
+too."
+
+"This is positively rude," replied Fogg, "and only that I am aware you
+mean no real unkindness I would feel very much put out. I know you don't
+really mean it."
+
+"Of course I don't. It was spoken in the way of fun. Now, let me know in
+what way I can help you and you can count me in. Business is business,
+old pal, and I know you will do the square thing."
+
+"There's my hand on it. Now I must be off. Meet me at my apartment
+to-morrow forenoon at eleven and we'll go over the details."
+
+"Count on me. I will be there. So long."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+    "Life is mostly froth and bubble;
+      Two things stand like stone--
+    Kindness in another's trouble
+      Courage in your own."
+
+    --THE HILL.
+
+
+Next forenoon, promptly at eleven o'clock, Handy was at Fogg's house. A
+ring at the door-bell was responded to by that gentleman in person. Half
+a minute later both were settled down in Fogg's Bohemian quarters, which
+consisted of a small reception-room and still smaller bed-chamber. The
+reception-room was not luxuriously furnished, but it was by no means
+shabbily equipped. A piano stood in one corner, a writing-desk placed
+close to the window, and a well-used Morris chair were the most
+conspicuous articles of furniture. Photographs in abundance were
+scattered all around on the walls, and on a table there were enough old
+playbooks to make a respectable showing in a second-hand book store. The
+two men had not been seated more than five minutes when the bell at the
+hall door was rung, and in an instant Fogg was out of his chair and on
+his feet.
+
+"What's the matter?" inquired Handy.
+
+"I guess," replied Fogg, "that's the committee. They promised to be here
+at this hour. Excuse me for a moment," and before Handy could say
+another word Fogg was half-way down the first flight of stairs. The
+noise of the opening and closing of the street door was heard, and then
+succeeded a buzz of female voices accompanied by a patter of feet on the
+stairs. Before Handy had time to prepare to receive visitors, the door
+opened and Fogg, his face lighted up with the broadest kind of a smile,
+made his appearance, and ushered in the committee, which consisted of
+five blooming matrons who were instrumental in talking up and arranging
+for the proposed complimentary benefit. The ladies were not young; in
+fact, it was a long time since they had been. But their hearts were
+juvenile and they themselves were sympathetic and generously inclined.
+Handy was duly introduced, and then the female philanthropists and
+lovers of art commenced the business which brought them there, somewhat
+after this fashion:
+
+"What a unique little snuggery you have here, Mr. Fogg," began one.
+
+"It is so artistic, don't you know, that it is too awfully sweet for
+anything," replied another.
+
+"Ah! there's one of the best photos I have ever seen of the divine
+Sarah. Where did you get it, Mr. Fogg?" added a third. "That one of
+Maude Adams is fair, and that of Mrs. Fiske there in the character of--I
+forget the name--does not do her justice."
+
+This medley of inconsequential conversation and chatter continued for
+fully half an hour without one word being spoken on the all-important
+subject they had presumably been brought together to arrange. They
+touched on everything theatrical, according to their lights, but that in
+which their friend was most interested. At length Fogg, in sheer
+desperation, broke the ice, and in a somewhat hesitating manner
+explained the way in which he had induced his friend, Mr. Handy, to be
+present at the conference and give them the benefit of his vast
+managerial experience and acknowledged histrionic ability in arranging
+the programme of the proposed complimentary testimonial. Moreover, Mr.
+Handy had postponed an important engagement in order that he might have
+the honor of managing the stage at the rehearsals as well as on the
+evening of the performance.
+
+The ladies were in ecstasies.
+
+"Oh, how charmingly delightful!" ejaculated the most rubicund of the
+committee. "And so you have finally determined, Mr. Fogg, on 'The Lady
+of Lyons' for the attraction."
+
+"Yes, ladies, I have. A determination with which I feel satisfied you
+all will concede. Revivals of well-known successful plays are rapidly
+coming into fashion, and it is well to keep up with the progress of the
+times. I might mention a number of old plays managers have in
+contemplation but as Shakespeare says--I think it was the sweet Bard of
+Avon that so expressed himself--'Sufficient for the day is the evil
+thereof.' That is why I have selected Bulwer's great romantic and poetic
+masterpiece--'The Lady of Lyons.' Besides, ladies, bear in mind it will
+afford Miss Daisy Daffodil a magnificent opportunity to appear as
+_Pauline_, a character, ladies, which has claimed the histrionic talents
+of many of the bright luminaries of the stage from the days of the
+glorious Peg Woffington to those of Leslie Carter."
+
+"How well, how touchingly, Mr. Fogg speaks, and what a fund of valuable
+and truthful information he has entertained us with," said Mrs.
+Doolittle, the chairman of the committee. "A better selection than 'The
+Lady of Lyons' could not have been made, and what a splendid opportunity
+it will be for dear Daisy to show off that light blue watered silk of
+hers. It is so suitable to her complexion."
+
+"Yes, dear," responded the lady sitting near her, "but will it light up
+well? I am given to understand that the electric light is most trying on
+blue. Now, don't you think that----"
+
+"No, I do not, my dear. Pardon me, but I know what you were about to
+say. You were about to remark that----"
+
+"Ladies," said Mr. Fogg, rising to the occasion and in a polite manner,
+"will you kindly excuse me when I venture to suggest that the matter of
+toilet is a thing you can arrange between yourselves and the fair young
+star, let us proudly hope, that is to be. But as my friend here, Mr.
+Handy, is a very busy man and his time valuable, might I suggest that we
+get down to business?"
+
+"Quite right, Mr. Fogg," one of the ladies answered. "Let us amuse
+ourselves with business."
+
+"How many will the house hold, Mr. Fogg?" inquired Mrs. Doolittle, in a
+rather authoritative manner, thoroughly in keeping with her exalted
+position as chairman.
+
+"About eleven hundred," said Fogg.
+
+"Only eleven hundred!" exclaimed the stout lady.
+
+"Altogether too small."
+
+"Certainly it is," continued the weighty one. "The Metropolitan Opera
+House should have been secured."
+
+"Ladies," interposed Handy, "excuse me for buttin' in, but business is
+business, and that's the humor of it. Let me tell you, in all frankness,
+that if you can fill the house, take my word for it, as a man of some
+experience, you will have reason to congratulate yourselves on a great
+accomplishment. Bear in mind, ladies, that benefits are benefits, and
+that the theatre-going public take little or no stock in them. Unless
+you can rely on your friends coming up to the scratch--pardon me, I mean
+box office--and before the night of the show, mind you--you stand a good
+chance of getting it, as the poet touchingly tells us--I don't know what
+poet--where the chicken got the axe. Them's my sentiments!"
+
+Handy's review of the situation and his matter-of-fact way of placing it
+before the committee caused some agitation. At length Mrs. Doolittle
+arose.
+
+"Let me assure you, Mr. Handy, we have hosts of friends, and when they
+see our names on the programme they will be sure to come. Don't you
+agree with me, ladies?"
+
+"It would be real mean if they didn't," volunteered the heavyweight lady
+of the committee. "But I know they will."
+
+"Of course, ladies, you know best," replied Handy, "but my advice is
+sell all the pasteboards you can before the show, and don't depend any
+on the public the night of the show, when you intend to pull 'The Lady'
+off."
+
+Handy's practical admonitions and advice evidently were not appreciated
+in the spirit in which they were tendered. The ladies' stay after the
+episode was not prolonged. Mrs. Chairman Doolittle remembered she had an
+engagement in the shape of a pink tea, and must speed homeward to make a
+change of dress. The remainder of the committee considered that as their
+cue for departure, not, however, without reassuring both Messrs. Fogg
+and Handy that everything would be all right.
+
+Handy and Fogg were once more alone.
+
+"Well," said Fogg, "what do you think of it? A great scheme, eh?"
+
+"What's a great scheme? I pause for a reply!"
+
+"Why, the testimonial benefit, of course!"
+
+"Say, Fogg. Are you right in your head? Is your nut screwed on properly?
+Is this a joke? The ladies are all serene and mean well--but darn it,
+man! you don't mean to tell me that you believe there's five hundred in
+this snap?"
+
+"Why, certainly I do, and more."
+
+"Cents."
+
+"No. Please be serious. Dollars."
+
+"Well, let us get down to cases and figure it out. What'll be your
+expenses?"
+
+"Oh, 'way down. There's $75 for the house, dirt cheap--the ladies have a
+pull with the landlord; $65 for the orchestra; stage hands, $15;
+advertising and printing, $60; flowers, $20; costumes, $11.75; sundries,
+$10. How much is all that?"
+
+"Let me figure it up. Have you a pencil? Never mind, I have one. Well,
+that, my friend, foots up $256.75."
+
+"Why, that ain't much."
+
+"No. 'Tain't much for a Vanderbilt, but then, the Vans' ancestors put in
+some lively hustling in days of yore, and the Vans of the present day
+are now taking solid comfort and shooting folly as it flies out of the
+result of the old Commodore's hustling on land and water. An' now let me
+ask you, have you got the dough to go on with this great scheme of
+yours?"
+
+"Well, no, I haven't got the dough, as you call it, but I have the
+tickets, and the committee propose to sell them to their numerous
+friends. I tell you 'tis a dead-sure thing."
+
+"I notice in your expenses you allow nothing for your company."
+
+"The company have all volunteered. Most of them are amateurs."
+
+"And where does your humble servant come in?"
+
+"Why, I propose to make it all right with you out of my share."
+
+"Ye gods on high Olympus, look down on us in compassion and smile!"
+spoke Handy in the most tragic voice of which he was capable of
+employing. "Has it come to pass that a verdant experimentalist like you,
+Fogg, could intimate to a veteran of my standing that I should take my
+chances of remuneration from the proceeds of such a quixotic scheme? Go
+to, Fogg! I love thee, but never more be officer of mine." Then laying
+aside his serio-comic manner and assuming one that more easily
+appertained to him, he continued: "Fogg, old pal, I told you that you
+could count on me to help you out, and you can. I will manage the stage,
+but skip me on the acting. If the stuff comes in, I know you'll do the
+square thing. If the receipts are shy, well and good. You'll get left as
+well as I. Get the old girls to sell all the tickets they
+can--beforehand. Mind now, beforehand. Depend on nothing from the public
+for a benefit, and as for the night sale, it won't amount to a paper of
+pins. I've been there before, old man, and I know of what I speak. Let
+me tell you--some friends of mine once upon a time got up a benefit for
+a widow. They gave a good show, had lots of fun, but----"
+
+"But what?" inquired Fogg anxiously.
+
+"Oh, nothing! Only they landed the poor woman fifty dollars or so in
+debt. That's all."
+
+"Holy Moses!" was all the response that Fogg could make; but he
+evidently was doing a great deal of thinking. In this state of mind
+Handy left him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+
+     "Nature hath fram'd strange fellows in her time."
+     --MERCHANT OF VENICE.
+
+
+Within two weeks the preliminaries for the testimonial were arranged,
+the night appointed, and the tickets in circulation. The company, as
+intimated, was made up principally of amateurs. As they were to receive
+no remuneration for their valuable services they received about five
+tickets each free to sell or dispose of as they would among their
+friends. Through some unaccountable oversight, they neglected to
+specially mark or punch these complimentaries. This oversight led to
+serious embarrassment subsequently. The demand for tickets increased as
+the date for the performance approached, but none of the applicants
+appeared anxious to part with money in return for them.
+
+Strange as it may appear, there is a class of people--and a very large
+and numerous class, too, and one not confined to any particular locality
+or special grade of society--that will willingly spend double the price
+of admission for seats in one way or other for the sake of having the
+reputation of being on the free list of a theatre. This statement is not
+an exaggerated one. Had Mr. Fogg decided to manage the business details
+of his entertainment and suspended the free list, as he should have
+done, he might have fared better; but who can tell what the future has
+in store for any of us?
+
+It was with considerable difficulty the rent was raised, and that
+difficulty being overcome, everything looked bright to the sanguine
+Fogg, who was really a most optimistic individual, and rarely lost
+heart.
+
+At length the night of the great event arrived. All day Fogg had been as
+busy as a bee. He had been to see the costumer, perruquier, leader of
+orchestra, etc., and enjoined each of them to be on hand early. Handy,
+always prompt and businesslike, was on the stage at seven o'clock. A few
+minutes later Fogg himself appeared, almost exhausted with the onerous
+duties of outside management, but for all that as cheerful and as
+confident as any man of his peculiar temperament could be. One by one
+the different members of the company appeared, and by half-past seven
+there was the usual commotion and excitement behind the scenes always
+attendant on an amateur entertainment. All the members of the committee
+were on hand to encourage Mr. Fogg and congratulate him in advance on
+the prospects of a grand success. Handy, perceiving that the time for
+the rising of the curtain was approaching, crossed over to where Fogg
+was engaged in earnest conversation with Mrs. Chairman Doolittle, and
+suggested to that gentleman that it was getting near the time to ring in
+the orchestra, and that he had better go to his dressing-room and
+complete his make-up.
+
+"All right," said Fogg. "Please excuse me, Mrs. Doolittle. Mr. Handy, I
+will now leave charge of the stage to you. Ring in the orchestra at
+eight o'clock sharp. I'll be ready."
+
+"Correct," replied the stage manager. He then proceeded to take a survey
+of the front of the house through the peep-hole in the drop curtain. The
+house was filling up nicely, but, as Handy subsequently remarked, the
+audience had a peculiar look that did not recommend itself to the
+veteran's practiced eye.
+
+"How it is?" inquired someone at Handy's elbow. On his turning about he
+found it was his old friend Smith, of the _Gem of the Ocean_.
+
+"Hello, old pal! Well, I don't know how to size it up. There's a fair
+crowd, and if it is all money it's a good house. But it doesn't look to
+me like a money house. The people in the audience appear to be too well
+acquainted. They act as if they came to a picnic."
+
+"Can you blame them?" replied Smith, who had a very low estimate of
+amateur actors.
+
+"I guess I'll ring in the spielers. Time's up." Suiting the action to
+the word, he pressed the button. A few seconds later and a German
+professor with blond hair of a musical cut approached the prompt stand.
+
+"Ees dot Meister Vogue somewheres about here, I don't know?" he
+inquired.
+
+"In his dressing-room," curtly answered Handy.
+
+"Ees dot so? Veil, then, I am Professor Funkenstein, und mein men der
+money want before dot overture."
+
+"You're in a large-sized hurry, ain't you?" replied the stage manager.
+"Can't you hold on until the show is over? What's the matter with you?
+Don't you see the house we have?"
+
+"Mein freund, dot's all right. But mein men der money wants. Don't dink
+I'm a fool because I'm a German man. I my money wants, too."
+
+"Mr. Handy, why don't you ring in the orchestra?" spoke Fogg, who had
+just come from his dressing-room made-up for _Claude Melnotte_. Catching
+sight of the leader, he exclaimed: "What's the matter, Professor?"
+
+"The matter is, Meister Vogue, mein men der money wants before they goes
+out. Dot's vot's der matter!"
+
+For a moment Fogg gazed at the orchestra leader in surprise, and then
+indignantly declared: "This is simply outrageous! What do you take me
+for, sir?" Then turning to his stage manager: "Mr. Handy, have you got a
+slip of paper, in order that I may give this man an order on the box
+office? How much is your bill? Ah, yes, I remember--seventy-five
+dollars. Here, take this and go and get your money at the box office,"
+as he handed the order to the professor, who instantly made a hasty
+retreat through the nearest exit leading into the front of the house,
+Fogg disappearing at the same time in the direction of his
+dressing-room, to add the finishing touches to his make-up.
+
+By this time it was nearly twenty minutes past eight o'clock, and the
+audience had already begun to manifest indications of impatience.
+
+"Handy," whispered Smith, "I'm glad I came. If I am not greatly mistaken
+there will be a lively time here to-night. Mark what I'm telling you."
+
+Just then another individual approached the stage manager and inquired
+for Mr. Fogg. He introduced himself as Mr. Draper, the costumer, and he
+was anxious to see the star of the evening, to "put up," as he expressed
+himself, for the costumes before the curtain went up. At this stage of
+the proceedings Fogg, now fully dressed for the gardener's son,
+appeared. He was immediately buttonholed by the costumer for the amount
+of his bill.
+
+"After the performance, when we count up, my dear Mr. Draper," pleaded
+Fogg, in his most insinuating way.
+
+"After nothing. Now, now!" emphatically declared Draper. "What do you
+take me for? I'm no sardine. You pay now, or by chowder! you can play
+'The Lady of Lyons' in your shirt tails! You promised me the stuff in
+the afternoon."
+
+The audience by this time had become restless and somewhat
+demonstrative. To add to the complications, Professor Funkenstein
+reappeared in a most excited frame of mind. He had been to the box
+office, but the bill-poster had anticipated him, and had threatened to
+clean out the ranch if he didn't get his money. The treasurer, who was
+an amateur, settled immediately with the knight of the pastepot to save
+the house from destruction. After the box office man had settled with
+the bill-poster there was only $5.25 in the drawer. That was at once
+secured by the florist in part payment on account of flowers that were
+to be presented to _Pauline_. The florist had been given the tip by the
+bill-sticker, and he got the balance of the cash on hand by also
+threatening to inaugurate the cleaning-out process.
+
+The uproar in the front of the house increased. The stamping of feet,
+the beating of canes on the floor, and the catcalls in the gallery made
+terrific disturbance.
+
+"You're a sweendler, Meister Vogue!" exclaimed the excited orchestra
+leader.
+
+"I'll make it all right with you in the morning, sir," replied Fogg
+indignantly, "and I wouldn't have your contemptible Dutch band to play
+for me now under any circumstances. Please call the people for the first
+act, Mr. Handy. I'll show you. We'll play the piece without your music."
+
+"And you'll play it without costumes, too," interposed Mr. Draper,
+"unless I get my money."
+
+"An' begor, yez'll play it wid only sky borders and wings, iv I'm goin'
+to get left," yelled the stage carpenter. "Murphy, run off thim flats."
+
+By this time poor Fogg was nearly out of his mind. Surrounded by a
+number of excited creditors behind the curtain, and frightened by an
+uproarious, turbulent, and noisy audience in front, the unfortunate
+fellow recognized in his bewildered condition that he would have to go
+before the curtain and dismiss the public. But what explanation could he
+offer? His friends were there to witness his humiliation. He wrung his
+hands in despair, wished he had never been born, and mentally resolved
+never again to accept the tender of a benefit. Handy watched him
+intently, and in his heart felt genuine sorrow for the sad predicament
+in which the poor fellow had placed himself. Touching Smith on the
+shoulder, he walked back on the stage, his friend following him.
+
+"Smith, this is a hard case. It makes me feel sad, and we must manage
+somehow or other to get the unfortunate devil out of the hole. This is
+the worst ever. Do as I tell you, but be careful and let no one get on
+to you. You noticed that small bottle of red ink on the prompt stand.
+Get it quietly, and let no one see what you are at. Be very careful. We
+must devise some way of pulling him through. It's a big risk, but I'll
+take it. That's all. Go now and take your cue from me."
+
+Things were growing from bad to worse on the stage, and the commotion
+and disorder in front of the curtain were increasing. Handy moved down
+among the excited crowd that surrounded Fogg, and got close to him.
+Smith, after exchanging a knowing glance with Handy, also edged his way
+into the group.
+
+"Great Heavens! Fogg, my dear fellow!" suddenly exclaimed Handy, seizing
+him in an alarmed manner, "are you ill? What's the matter?" Then in a
+hasty whisper he said: "Act now, d----n you! if you never acted before.
+Go off in a fit, drop and leave the rest to me."
+
+"Oh, nothing, nothing!" replied Fogg, with a strange stare. Then looking
+wildly about him, he uttered a weird scream and fell in a heap on the
+stage. In an instant Handy was on his knees beside him. So was Smith,
+and before any one could realize the situation, the bottle of red ink in
+his hand had dexterously performed its office over the mouth of the
+prostrate actor.
+
+Bending over him, Handy whispered: "Keep still! and act out your fit and
+I'll pull you through." Then addressing those about him, he said: "Will
+some one of you gentlemen kindly fetch a glass of ice water and a little
+brandy? This is a bad case, I'm afraid. A serious affair. Send for a
+carriage. He must be removed to his house at once and a doctor called
+in. Poor fellow, the strain was too much for him. Ah, and by the way,
+will one of the gentlemen be good enough to go out in front of the
+curtain and explain to the audience the sad mishap which has befallen
+our esteemed friend? Please break it mildly in the announcement. The
+chances are it won't prove fatal, but I'm no doctor, so my say don't go
+for much. Poor old chap!"
+
+It was not without difficulty that the man who volunteered to quell the
+storm in front could get a hearing from the audience. At last he
+succeeded, and after he explained the suddenness and severity of the
+attack, the storm subsided and the people went quietly out.
+
+On the stage poor Fogg lay stretched out, Handy supporting his head. He
+was a sight. His mouth was liberally marked with Smith's home-made
+blood, for the carmine had been generously though dexterously employed.
+Everyone expressed sympathy for him. Handy, with the assistance of
+Smith, succeeded in getting him to his feet and managed to get him to
+the stage door in his _Melnotte_ garb. Mrs. Doolittle's carriage was
+outside waiting, and he was assisted into it. As Handy was about to
+follow, Fogg leaned over and whispered in his ear: "For the Lord sake,
+Handy, bring my street clothes from the dressing-room, or I'll never be
+able to leave the house." Handy pressed his hand, Smith went after the
+clothes, and the three then drove to Fogg's home, and the carriage
+returned to the theatre for the lady chairman.
+
+"Well," said Handy, when within the safety of the star's quarters, "I've
+played many parts in my varied career, but this one is the limit. It
+beats the deck. Fogg, you will have to keep the house for a week, at
+least; then go and rusticate for another week, but above all things, for
+heaven's sake don't recover too hastily!"
+
+"Oh, bless my soul!" remarked Fogg, as he surveyed himself in the
+mirror, "you have ruined Draper's _Melnotte_ blouse. What the blazes did
+you inundate me with that confounded red stuff for?"
+
+Handy looked at him seriously for a minute, and then replied: "There's
+gratitude for you. Ah! well, it's the way of the world all over. Help a
+man to get out of a scrape, and do you think he will appreciate your
+meritorious act? Not even a little bit, and the chances are he will
+begin to find fault with your manner of saving him. Darn it, man! that
+fiddler, costumer, and stage carpenter would never have swallowed an
+ordinary, common garden, every-day fit, but when they saw the gore, the
+blood-red gore, they caved-in. It was a demonstration in red, and it did
+the work. And now, then, when you are going to have your next
+testimonial you can get someone else to manage your fits. Come, Smith.
+Good-night, Fogg!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV
+
+    "Come what, come may,
+    Time and the hour runs through the roughest day."
+
+    --MACBETH.
+
+
+Never be it said that fate itself could awe the soul of Fogg. Next day,
+when Handy called on him, he found his irrepressible friend preparing to
+saunter forth. That he failed to appreciate the humiliation of the
+previous evening there was not the slightest reason to believe. His
+restless spirit, however, was too strong to compel him willingly to
+remain indoors. He was nothing, if not active. In fact, he was miserable
+unless when employed in some optimistic scheme. No matter how
+impracticable it might appear to others, he invariably perceived a means
+to circumvent its difficulties. He believed in taking the biggest kind
+of chance on the smallest possibility of success. He was a remarkably
+unique proposition.
+
+"Hello, hello!" exclaimed Handy. "What's all this about? Up and dressed.
+Say, don't you know you're a sick man?" Fogg gazed at his friend more in
+surprise than anger, and turned his head aside. "Did you hear what I
+said? You don't mean to tell me that you are going out in the streets
+to-day?"
+
+"Why not?" replied Fogg.
+
+"After what took place last night?"
+
+"I must, you know!"
+
+"With a busted blood-vessel in your innards and a--a--a----"
+
+"Oh, come now, Handy, this thing has gone far enough. I appreciate all
+you did for me in an emergency, but there's no necessity for keeping up
+the deception any longer. I tell you I have an important engagement----"
+
+"Hold! Avast heaving and take a hitch," interrupted the veteran. "Give
+me no more of that important engagement business in mine. I have some
+say in this matter, I have."
+
+"You have--and how, pray?"
+
+"Well, I'll give it you, and straight, too."
+
+"Go on, then."
+
+"Well, you were to have taken a benefit last night, weren't you?"
+
+"I'm listening."
+
+"An' you didn't, did you?"
+
+"Well, no--not exactly a--benefit," replied Fogg slowly, with a sickly
+smile.
+
+"And why didn't you?"
+
+"Well, you are aware of the reason as well as I," Fogg answered,
+slightly irritated; "because I didn't have the necessary funds to carry
+out my plans, therefore----"
+
+"Rubbish and stuff!" retorted Handy contemptuously. "You always get
+things mixed."
+
+"What do you mean?" inquired the mystified Fogg, looking more perplexed
+than ever. "I do not quite understand you!"
+
+"No, I didn't expect you would. Not be able to give a show without
+funds! Fiddlesticks! You make me tired. Darn it! Any one could do the
+turn with funds, and if you had the funds you wouldn't need a
+benefit--unless, indeed, you needed them to take a pleasure trip to
+Europe or to buy an automobile. But the man who can pull off a venture
+of that kind I regard as a financier; a man to be respected; a man of
+mettle--I mean the kind of mettle that's next door to genius, so to
+speak. By the way, old man, how do you spell that mettle--mettle or
+metal?"
+
+"I would spell it B-R-A-S-S."
+
+For a moment, Handy was completely put out, then extending his hand, he
+said: "Fogg, you may not know it, but you're a humorist. That wasn't
+half bad, as we say in England. I was never there, but it goes, all the
+same."
+
+Fogg smiled, but Handy looked serious. He was in a troubled state of
+mind on account of Fogg's expressed determination to leave the house. He
+remembered all too vividly that he had been chief engineer of Fogg's
+escapade of the preceding night. He had to economize on truth; originate
+a fit, burst a blood-vessel, and carry out several minor details to make
+the undertaking thoroughly convincing. These, of course, he was willing
+to father, and, for that matter, felt a certain pride in their
+performance, when he remembered they resulted in relieving the troubles
+of a friend. But he was hurt when he came to reflect that the friend for
+whom he had undertaken so much had so little regard for the fitness of
+things and embarrassments of the situation as to venture forth the
+following day. It was too much for his sensibilities.
+
+"The idea, Fogg, of showing yourself in public to-day, or to-morrow, or
+even the next day, is simply preposterous. It is out of the question. I
+may almost pronounce it like flying in the face of Providence. Remember,
+you are still a sick man, and I am sponsor for your illness. Bear in
+mind, you were taken out of the theatre as good as a dead one, in the
+garb of _Claude Melnotte_."
+
+"Yes; and thanks to that infernal Smith," interrupted Fogg, "the suit is
+as good as ruined, with the stuff he spilt over it."
+
+"There you go again. Why, you unthinking ingrate, only for that marked
+feature of the episode, you might at this moment be laid up in the
+hospital, if the stage hands, fiddlers, costumer, and bill-posters got
+in their work. Instead of that, here you are where sympathizing friends
+can visit you and hearken to your tale of woe. Don't you see," continued
+Handy, "if you are met on the street people will be likely to draw their
+own conclusions and regard last night's emergency illness as a fraud?
+You know how uncharitable even the best of friends are at odd times.
+While if you keep within doors and recover slowly, no such uncharitable
+fancy can be conjured into existence. Besides, the time spent in
+convalescence may be employed by that fertile brain of yours in devising
+some scheme for the future. I never willingly was party to a fraud, but
+when a friend gets into a bad box it becomes a human duty on the part of
+another friend to help him out. The end in view justifies the means.
+Friends don't go to that trouble, as a rule, but they ought to. Then you
+must have some consideration for dramatic consistency. Even actors can
+not burst blood-vessels with impunity over night and then go
+gallivanting about town next day. And again, is all this fine
+advertising you are going to get out of last night's realism to be
+thrown away and go for nothing? Oh, no! I guess not! My dear Fogg, you
+have got to be repaired before you are again seen in public."
+
+Handy's eloquent and forcible argument convinced Fogg that a week
+indoors was the proper course for him to pursue, and also be guided
+solely by the veteran during his convalescence.
+
+"Now, then, get to bed at once. You cannot tell who may get it into his
+head to call upon you. It is more than likely that Draper will be here
+after the _Melnotte_ outfit."
+
+"Goodness gracious, I forgot all about that!" exclaimed Fogg.
+
+"I thought so. Never overlook details. If you had traveled over this
+broad land of the free and the home of the brave as extensively as I
+have, you would recognize their importance. They are, my dear boy, most
+important factors of success in the show line, as in every other
+business. You can start a show without money if you are careful in the
+arrangement of your details beforehand. I might be able to give you some
+useful advice on that subject, which would prove serviceable if you ever
+contemplate going on the road."
+
+"I did have an idea of that kind," replied Fogg. "I think there's money
+in it. Don't you?"
+
+"Well, that depends."
+
+"On what?"
+
+"That I can't precisely explain. I have seen some of the worst so-called
+actors that ever trod the boards catch on with the fickle public, while
+counting railroad ties was the reward for some of the most talented in
+the business. It isn't talent, ability, or merit that always tells in
+this world. Don't you know that? To be sure, if you have money to back
+any one or all of them up, together with grit enough to hold on until
+the tide turns, you may stand a chance. But sometimes, even then one
+gets left."
+
+"Pshaw! I've known fellows without any one of these qualifications you
+have enumerated succeed--fellows who had neither friends nor capital to
+aid them," responded Fogg, as he removed his coat. "How do you account
+for that, old man?"
+
+"Easily enough," answered Handy, seemingly not a bit put out. "They must
+have had those magnificent endowments which may be tersely summed up in
+the simple words 'cheek' and 'push,' qualities sufficiently potent to
+transform a mouse-trap into a fortune or a tobacco patent of some kind
+into a grand opera house. These are, my boy, the magician's wand. Hurry
+up and peel off your vest. Cheek is the capital with which the
+impecunious push ahead while modest merit remains in the background
+waiting for a chance. There, now, don't stand and stare. Pull off your
+shoes. You're too slow. As I was saying, cheek in business generally is
+the _avant courier_ of success. Catch on to my French? Say, what's the
+matter now--burst a button off your pants? Never mind. You'll have
+plenty of time to make repairs during the week. Remember what I tell
+you. Cheek backed up by energy will win every time, and don't make any
+mistake about it. There, now, lie down and give me a chance to mend you
+and help to get your business affairs in some kind of shape that will be
+intelligible. By the way, have you such things as a pipe and tobacco on
+the premises?"
+
+"Yes, you will find them on the shelf yonder. But see here, Handy. I
+don't half like this quarantine business--lying down and playing sick
+when I am as well as you are!"
+
+"Then why in the name of Christopher Columbus' cat didn't you think of
+that before you went off in that fit last night! What did you do that
+for, eh? A joke? The punishment fits the crime, my friend, and you might
+as well make up your alleged mind to that fact, and that you'll have to
+take such medicine as I prescribe for at least a week to come."
+
+Just then was heard the ring of the hall bell, and shortly after a
+servant-like knock at the door of the apartment followed. Handy motioned
+his patient to lie down and keep still, and then called, "Come in!" The
+door opened and a servant popped in her head and informed the two
+friends that down-stairs was a man named Draper, who wanted to see Mr.
+Fogg.
+
+"Draper! Draper!" repeated Handy, as if endeavoring to recall the name
+to his recollection. "Fogg, dear boy, do you know any one named Draper?"
+Then turning to the servant: "Are you certain you got the gentleman's
+name correct?"
+
+"He towld me his name was Draper, and sure that's all I know about him."
+
+"Will you be kind enough, like a good girl, to skip down-stairs and ask
+the gentleman to send up his card?" said Handy in his most persuasive
+manner.
+
+The lady who officiated as menial evidently did not relish another
+journey up and down-stairs, but Handy's winning way and manner of
+appealing to her had the desired effect. She condescended to oblige, but
+with a look, however, that might readily be mistaken for one other than
+pleasure over the job, with an accompanying murmur of words that sounded
+very much like "people puttin' on airs."
+
+"Why, Handy, you know very well who that is down at the door," said
+Fogg, raising himself in bed.
+
+"Know! Well, I should smile! Why, of course I know. But, my boy, I need
+a little time to get things straightened out before we receive visitors.
+Lie down and keep quiet. I'm running this show. These _Melnotte_ duds
+will have to go to the wash. Ten to one that's what Draper has called
+for. That fellow has an eye as sharp as a hawk."
+
+"What has that to do with the case?"
+
+"This, if you are anxious to know. Draper would get on to that red ink
+stain quicker than a wink. You couldn't fool that gentleman on ink for
+blood. Just cast your eagle eye over it." He held the blouse up for
+inspection. "Why, it looks more like cranberry sauce on a jamboree than
+human gore. I will stow this away in the closet, and now bear in mind it
+has gone to the wash."
+
+"Oh, all right!"
+
+"Come in." This in answer to a knock at the door, and Bedelia, for such
+was the lady attendant's name, reappeared.
+
+"The man down at the door below sez as how he has no card wid him, but
+that yez knows him very well already. He sez he's a customer."
+
+"A what?" yelled Handy.
+
+"A customer," shouted back Bedelia.
+
+"A customer," echoed Handy, and then in his most agreeable manner
+continued: "Now, my gentle friend, for I know you are gentle, and
+therefore must be a friend, did not the man in the gap below tell you he
+was a costumer, and not a customer? Think, for the difference between
+the two is of some degree of importance."
+
+"Well, sur, I may not be as well up in the new-fangled ways of spakin'
+as some other people are. Begor! with yer cawn'ts an' shawn'ts, an'
+chawnces, an' the divil only knows what in the way of pronunciayshon, a
+dacint, hard-workin' gerl can't make out half what's said nowadays. You
+call the man down-stairs wan thing an' I call him another, but both of
+them are the same man. Arrah! what's the matther wid yez, at all, at
+all?"
+
+With this withering invective, Bedelia looked as if she could annihilate
+Handy.
+
+The veteran in an amusingly polite manner arose and bowed. "All right,
+Bedelia, and if it's all the same to you, you may as well waltz the
+customer up."
+
+"Well, sur," she answered, with what she possibly considered satiric
+dignity, "I'll sind him up, but I would like yez to understhand that
+I've plinty to do widout climbing up and down two pair of stairs waitin'
+on show-actors," and she then hurried out and bang! went the door.
+
+"Fogg, my boy," said Handy, with a smile, "that handmaiden is a passion
+flower. 'Twould be an injustice to the more modest posy to designate her
+a daisy."
+
+He was about to indulge in a laugh, when a masculine knock at the door
+interrupted. Moving quietly across the room, he opened the door. A nod
+of recognition and the costumer entered.
+
+"Will you kindly take a seat, Mr. Draper?" he said in a subdued voice,
+as he motioned the visitor to a chair beside the bed.
+
+"It's awfully kind of you, Draper, to call," said Fogg in a feeble tone
+of voice, at the same time extending his hand. "This is a bad blow. Who
+would have thought this time yesterday that I would now be----"
+
+"Hush!" interrupted Handy gently. "You must keep still and not grow
+excited. You know what the doctor said." Then turning to the costumer,
+Handy explained Fogg's condition, the possible effect excitement would
+be likely to produce, and the evil consequences that might ensue. "He is
+not yet quite out of danger, but I guess he'll pull through, provided he
+will keep still and obey orders. The doctor says----Oh! by the way, Mr.
+Draper, you didn't meet the doctor on your way up, did you?" inquired
+Handy meekly, as he placed the invalid's hand back under the coverlet.
+
+"No!" replied Mr. Draper, "I did not. What physician is attending him?"
+
+"Oh! Doctor--ah--Doctor----Some German name. Hold on! That last
+prescription will tell us." But somehow or other Handy could not lay his
+hand on it.
+
+"Never mind. Don't put yourself to any trouble. It doesn't matter."
+
+"Oh, by the way, Mr. Draper," and Handy bent down toward him and in a
+low tone of voice said, "That _Melnotte_ dress our poor friend had on at
+the time of the occurrence was so soiled that we had to send it to the
+laundry before returning it. It will be all right, though."
+
+"Darn the thing!" replied Draper, somewhat indignantly. "You don't mean
+to think that is what I called around for. No, sir." Then rising from
+the chair, he turned toward Fogg. "Now, then, old chap, get all right
+again. Your friend here will look after you. I merely dropped in to pay
+a little friendly visit." He turned to leave the room, at the same time
+beckoning to Handy to step outside the door.
+
+The two went out together, and though the time Handy remained away was
+brief, Fogg's anxiety magnified it and it made him restless. At length
+Handy returned, and with much more subdued demeanor than before he went
+out. He appeared grave and thoughtful.
+
+"What's up now?" inquired Fogg, half raising from the bed. "What did
+Draper have to say? Is it that which disturbs you?"
+
+Handy remained silent for a time. "Yes. It is not only what he said, but
+what he did that knocks me."
+
+"I am really sorry to hear you say so," sympathetically replied Fogg.
+
+"You know when we went outside"--and Handy breathed a heavy sigh and
+paused--"Draper placed his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Mr. Handy, you
+are a friend of Fogg?' I nodded an assent. 'I don't suppose,' he says,
+'he has any too much ready money for an emergency of this kind, so that
+when affliction pays an unwelcome visit and sudden sickness crosses the
+threshold a few dollars at such a time come not amiss.'"
+
+"Good-hearted fellow, after all."
+
+"'Now,' he continued, 'don't let anything worry the poor devil. Let him
+consider the bill for costumes chalked off. Here, put this ten dollars
+to the best advantage you can use it for any little necessaries that may
+be wanting in the sick-room.'"
+
+"You don't mean it!" cried Fogg excitedly.
+
+"Oh, hang it, that was too much for me!" And Handy began to pace the
+floor nervously.
+
+"And what did you do when he offered the money?"
+
+"Do!" replied Handy indignantly. "Do! Why, I declined to take it, of
+course. I can do a good many things; but no--not that, not that."
+
+"Right!"
+
+"I told him you were not in need of anything. You had all you wanted.
+That was a lie, of course, but then there are times and circumstances
+when a lie may counterfeit truth. I insisted I could not accept it. What
+do you think he said?"
+
+"Can't imagine."
+
+"'Well!' he replied, 'if he doesn't want for anything, what was the
+benefit got up for? Here, take the stuff, and have no more silly
+nonsense about it.' He then thrust the money into my vest pocket and
+hurried down the stairs."
+
+"Handy, you amaze me!"
+
+"There it is," and he threw the bills on the bed to Fogg, and walked the
+room with pain distinctly written over his usually happy face. "The
+world is not so cold-hearted after all. Those we least suspect have
+hearts to feel for sufferings of others, and what is more, they have a
+practical way of expressing their sympathy." Then turning to Fogg, he
+added with much feeling: "This incident saddens me!"
+
+"You are right. This money must be returned. I cannot take it," and Fogg
+too became thoughtful.
+
+For the first time the evil of the fraud which had been perpetrated
+became forcibly evident to both men. One genuine act of kindness had
+stripped deceit of its covering more effectively than the logic of a
+hundred sermons.
+
+"Perhaps the next experience," said Handy, still in a reflective mood,
+"will be the appearance of that tough stage carpenter who threatened to
+compel you to describe the beauties of your palace by Lake Como with sky
+borders and wings, with a supply of delicacies from his humble home, or
+maybe a contribution in cash exceeding the sum you agreed to pay him for
+his labor, in order that he might show his kindly disposition to assist
+when misfortune overtook you."
+
+Both were visibly affected. The deception they practiced, though it
+brought a certain temporary relief from an embarrassing situation, also
+carried with it its own punishment. For a time they remained silent.
+
+"Handy," began Fogg, "if the thing had been real and resulted fatally, I
+verily believe that old man Funkenstein would have volunteered to
+furnish the music for my funeral, and not have charged my friends a red
+cent."
+
+"Sure! And what's more," replied Handy, the humorous side appealing to
+his fancy, "let me tell you, as a dead one you would have drawn a darn'd
+sight bigger house than you ever can as a live actor."
+
+Notwithstanding his troubles, Fogg appreciated the humorous sally of his
+associate. He threw himself back on his bed and enjoyed a hearty laugh.
+Handy permitted him to enjoy his merriment and then reminded him that
+although to the outer world he was on the blink, so far as prosperity
+was concerned, the enforced inaction of the sick-room would never bridge
+over the difficulties that encompassed him. He reminded Fogg that he was
+financially dead broke. It is true he was in the great city, the mecca
+toward which all strolling players turn their eyes as well as their toes
+when they are in financial straits, but the fact of being in the
+metropolis was not sufficient. It was necessary to set about doing
+something.
+
+"Let me tell you, Fogg, that thinking without action to back it up cuts
+no ice. Never did--never will. You may think until doomsday and
+accomplish nothing. I will point a moral without ornamenting a tale, by
+relating an experience I once had when I was out West some time ago with
+a company and got stranded, and if you will loan me your ear I will a
+tale unfold. What say you?"
+
+"Proceed."
+
+"First let me dispose of a quiet pipeful of tobacco to collect my
+scattered thoughts and I will unbosom myself."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+
+     A New Way to Pay Old Debts.
+
+
+After Handy had complacently smoked a pipeful of Fogg's tobacco he laid
+the comforter aside and started in one of those characteristic chapters
+of incidents to be found scattered here and there on the pathway of
+nearly every player who amounts to anything either at home or abroad.
+
+"You may remember that a few years ago I got together a company with a
+view to endeavor to enlighten as well as to instruct the public of the
+so-called wild and woolly West."
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Part of the company I picked up here, the remainder I managed to scrape
+together in Chicago. Times were not good; actors were easily had, and
+were willing to take long chances on the prospects of even getting bread
+and butter. Please don't take me too literally. They were well aware of
+the fact that if the money came in they would surely get their share.
+All who know me are pretty well satisfied on that score. Deal squarely
+with the people about you, is my maxim, and they will stand by you when
+the pinch comes. I have gone on that principle all through my varied
+career and I know the benefit of what I speak."
+
+"Yes; all things considered," replied Fogg, "you have been on the
+Square."
+
+"Good! You're improving! Well, as I was saying, I got my company
+together and set out. We opened in Denver. Did fairly well; pushed on
+still further. Struck bad business, and at the end of a couple of weeks
+landed high and dry on Saturday night in a far Western town--No need of
+mentioning names."
+
+"As soon as that--two weeks?"
+
+"Just two weeks. Oh, don't affect surprise. I've known companies to go
+where the woodbine twineth on the third night out. There is nothing new
+in that. Well, the night I have reference to was so bad, that is the
+receipts were so slender, that we didn't take in money enough to pay for
+the gas, and remember we were under contract to play the following
+Monday in a city not more than fifty miles or so away."
+
+"Well, you had all Sunday and most of Monday to get there, and keep your
+date. There's nothing in that," remarked Fogg, with a smile.
+
+"Very true; but, my optimistic friend, permit me to inform you that my
+company was not solely made up of pedestrians, and, moreover, walking in
+midwinter as a rule is not good. So you may readily recognize I was in a
+perplexing predicament. After I glanced over the box office statement I
+hardly knew where I was at. As I thought the situation over before me
+arose the stern reality of a large-sized board bill, for bear in mind I
+had guaranteed to pay the traveling and hotel bills of the company.
+Hotelkeepers are such matter-of-fact and precise individuals in their
+peculiar ways of dealings that it is difficult for those of empty
+pockets to get along pleasantly with them."
+
+"Absurdly so," admitted Fogg.
+
+"Pleased to hear you say so, but then, my boy, you never ran a hotel."
+
+"No, but I kept the books of a traveling politician one season!"
+
+"You did?"
+
+"Fact."
+
+"You weren't traveling with a show?"
+
+"Nit, I was attending political conventions."
+
+"Oh, that settles it. That was a dead easy job. The party put up the
+dough and the public in the end pays the score. That's another
+proposition altogether. But the poor player who--well, no matter. No use
+in becoming sentimental or spoony about it. Now, own up, my position was
+unpleasantly embarrassing, wasn't it?"
+
+"It was not exhilarating."
+
+"No. There was nothing cheering about it. However, I put on no long
+face, though between ourselves I wished some other fellow stood in my
+shoes."
+
+"How considerate for the other fellow!"
+
+"Well," continued Handy, "that's neither here nor there, but I made up
+my mind to get out of that town bag and baggage and keep my date Monday
+night, all the samee."
+
+"I admire your pluck."
+
+"Pluck? Nothing of the kind. Pluck had nothing to do with the case. It
+was tact and resource that came to my assistance. Season your admiration
+for a moment and I'll give you a wrinkle worth remembering. After a bite
+and a snack I went to bed, not to worry, but to sleep. Let me say, by
+way of comment, that a few hours' rest is a powerful rejuvenator. You
+can do much better work in the morning after a good night's sleep than
+if you had passed weary hours tossing and tumbling about in bemoaning
+your hard luck and picturing to yourself what might have been if you had
+done so and so. All rot. Let the other fellow do the worrying. Remember,
+my boy, the past is irreclaimable, the present the life we are
+struggling in, and the future what we make it, or rather try to make
+it."
+
+"Handy, I had no idea you were such a philosopher!"
+
+"Indeed! Well, experience teaches me to be practical," replied the
+veteran, "and I trust I may be able to prove to you the truth of what I
+say. As I told you, I retired to my bed to sleep, and sleep I did, as
+soundly as if I owned one-half the town and had a mortgage on the other
+half. Next morning I got up refreshed and with a good appetite for
+breakfast. After the morning's meal I settled myself down to the
+enjoyment of a cigar. At that stage of the game I could not afford to be
+seen smoking a pipe. Never give your poverty away to the world unless
+you can make final disposition of it. Then came the real task--the
+crisis."
+
+"The tug of war, eh?"
+
+"Just so. The tug of war, so to speak. I braced the landlord! I invited
+him to take a chair beside me and began the siege."
+
+"Commenced operations. Fire away."
+
+"I had already made a study of the man, and had well considered my plan
+of attack. I opened by telling him frankly I was in trouble. The week's
+business had been bad, receipts next door to nothing, my share slim. To
+make a long story short, I confessed I could not settle my bill."
+
+"That must have been an interesting communication for mine host of the
+inn. How did he take it?"
+
+"Well, his reception of the information somewhat surprised me. I
+anticipated a storm; but no. He was perfectly calm. I waited for a
+reply, but he simply remarked, 'Well?' I then enlarged on my ill-luck,
+bad business, terrible weather, and wound up with a pathetic story of
+our situation. 'Well,' he again exclaimed, 'I will hold the baggage and
+stuff until you can settle up.'"
+
+"The old, old story," plaintively exclaimed Fogg.
+
+"I felt that was coming, but I also judged from the manner of that
+decision, cold as it was in all the integrity of its meaning, that I had
+a practical man to deal with. Take my word for it, Fogg, it is always
+better to have business dealings with a man of that type than with one
+who, while he loads you up with sympathy to beat the band, doesn't mean
+a word of it. To settle there and then for board and get our things out
+of quarantine was out of the question; to attempt to play our next stand
+without our 'props' and things was equally difficult."
+
+"Of course, but then," said Fogg, "hotelkeepers never take these things
+into consideration."
+
+"No, never. 'Mr. Breadland'--that was his name--'I have a proposition to
+make,' said I, 'and as you seem to be a practical man, you will, I have
+an idea, recognize its practicability. The situation is this: I owe you
+money. The amount I am unable to pay just now. You say you propose to
+hold on to the baggage belonging to the company as security for the
+debt.'
+
+"'You state the case precisely,' said he.
+
+"'Now, then,' I continued, 'the stuff you propose to seize you don't
+want, and you only mean to hold the things as security for the payment
+of the board bill--an honest debt.' He nodded his head while he
+scrutinized me closely. 'Now, what would you say if I could point out a
+way to you by which you could still have security for the indebtedness,
+I could have the baggage and things, and you get the money owing to
+you?'
+
+"'My friend,' said he, 'I don't want to hold your stuff. It's no earthly
+use to me. I only want the coin that's due me. If you can show or point
+out to me any feasible plan by which that end may be reached, I rather
+think you and I may come to terms.'
+
+"'I guess I can. To be sure it may cause you personally some little
+inconvenience for a few days, but the scheme will work out all right.'
+
+"'Let me hear it,' says he, looking me squarely in the face.
+
+"It is this: We are billed to play Monday night in Bungtown. The chances
+are we will have a big house for the opening. We stay there three
+nights. Now, then, my proposition is that you send your clerk along with
+the company; I will place him in the box office, where he will have
+control of the receipts, and each night after the show is over he can
+take for you a percentage of the share coming to me, and continue to do
+so at each performance until your bill is all paid. How does it strike
+you?' Well, sir, it set that countryman a-thinking and pulling his
+whiskers so vigorously that I feared his goatee would give way. I knew
+almost to a dead certainty that I had won. The man, Fogg, who hesitates
+gives way in the end, always.
+
+"Breadland reflected a minute, then spoke out: 'I'll do it,' he said.
+''Tis about the easiest and safest way of getting hunk.'
+
+"'One thing more, Mr. Breadland,' I added, when I felt satisfied that
+luck was running my way.
+
+"'What is it?' he inquired.
+
+"'The hotel bill, as you are aware, is made out to cover all charges up
+to and including lunch to-day. After the train which leaves here at
+three this afternoon there is none other until to-morrow forenoon, and
+as the company has done a deal of traveling and the people are pretty
+well tuckered out, a day's rest and a good night's sleep would not be
+amiss, and it would enable us to give a rattling good performance
+to-morrow night.'
+
+"'I agree with you,' he replied.
+
+"I thought so, but perhaps I didn't make myself as clear as I might.
+Your good nature, however, emboldens me to respectfully suggest'--and
+this I said in the most tender and convincing manner I could
+employ--'that for the sake of art and good fellowship, for this little
+extra hospitality you make no addition to the hotel bill. Let it stand
+as it is.'"
+
+"What!" exclaimed Fogg, in open-mouthed wonder. "Did he show you the
+door?"
+
+"Not a bit of it. I told you he was a plain, practical kind of cuss,
+with a tender spot in his heart. He looked at me with a calm, queer, but
+not mischievous twinkle in his eye. I stood the gaze with the most
+innocent assumption of impudence, waiting for the verdict. It came in a
+moment, accompanied with a hearty laugh as he said: 'By jingo, you
+deserve to get ahead! You won't fail for want of nerve. It's your long
+suit. I'll have to go you,' or words to that effect. 'Come,' he said,
+rising from his chair, 'I'll blow you off,' and he led the way to the
+bar."
+
+"You don't mean to say he stood treat into the bargain?" asked Fogg, in
+surprise.
+
+"Sure; like a prince, he did; and what's more, he made the remainder
+of the day as pleasant as if every member of the company was a
+first-floorer, paying bridal-party rates.
+
+"That little episode made me very solid with my company. They knew the
+actual condition of the exchequer, for obvious reasons, and wondered how
+I was able to make things all right without the necessary wherewithal.
+That's management, my boy. They never considered for the life of them,
+that three-fourths or more of the business of the world is managed and
+conducted on credit and promises to pay. I was merely working out the
+principle in my own little bit of a way. So the day passed agreeably.
+The people knew that everything in the hotel was all right and that I
+had the railroad fares snugly stowed away in my inside pocket."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+
+     "The actors are at hand; and by their show you shall all know that
+     you are like to know."
+     --MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.
+
+
+"We got into Bungtown early next day. I went at once to the theatre.
+There I was happy to learn that the advance sale was good and the
+prospects for the evening's performance A1. We opened to a full house,
+and the audience appeared to enjoy the entertainment. The following
+evening did not pan out quite so well, in consequence of a torchlight
+procession through the streets and a big Grand Army parade. The night
+after--our farewell performance. Great Scott! A rainstorm thinned the
+attendance to the proportions of a fashionable church in the metropolis
+during summer, when the popular preacher is absent on vacation abroad,
+seeking after the health he never lost. How I felt can be better
+imagined than described. I was up against it for fair. As I told you, I
+was unable to settle the hotel bill at the last town, and in addition we
+had now the handicap of an extra hotel and railroad fare for Breadland's
+clerk, who according to agreement was to travel with the show until the
+whole account with Breadland was squared up."
+
+"The prospects were not encouraging."
+
+"No; but we managed, somehow or other, to get out of town; though when
+everything was fixed, including a few dollars to Breadland on account,
+it was a close shave. Fortunately, the railroad fares to our next stand
+were light and we had three days there. It was in that sylvan retreat by
+the flowing river we nearly met our Waterloo. Speak of bad business. It
+was something weird."
+
+"Misfortune and you must have been running a race."
+
+"Yes, with the filly away in the lead. But we managed to play right on.
+Sunday morning found me once more _hors de combat_, with another hotel
+bill unpaid and an almost empty treasury to meet it. I nearly gave up in
+despair. Remembering, however, that despair never yet pulled a man out
+of a hole, in sheer desperation I resolved once more to fall back on the
+expedient that carried us over the sea of troubles that beset us before
+we reached Bungtown."
+
+"Great Heavens! you don't mean to say you proposed to carry another
+hotel clerk on your staff?" queried Fogg.
+
+"I had to do something. Necessity is the prompter of ingenuity, and the
+suggestion came from that source. There is no use in going further into
+detail. I convinced the landlord and secured another secretary of the
+treasury to look after the income, and we got out of town next morning
+as happy as clams at high water. Well, without mincing matters, I must
+say we had as rough a road to travel any band of poor strolling
+Thespians ever struck."
+
+"Misfortune still in the lead?"
+
+"I should say so. Listen. We ran into the Gulf Stream of a red-hot
+political campaign, and I needn't tell you these torchlight processions,
+firework displays, and fife and drum corps knock the life out of the
+show business. Where we made a few dollars in one place we dropped them
+in another. Had it not been for a small reserve fund I had carefully
+treasured up for extra hazardous emergencies and my peculiar talent and
+diplomacy in dealing with hotel men, I verily believe it would have
+taken us all the winter to have reached a hospitable haven of relief,
+for the walking was wretched and Western railroad ties too far apart for
+decent pedestrianism."
+
+"By Jove!" smiled Fogg, "you must have had an anxious time from the word
+go."
+
+"Oh, that goes without saying. I managed to pull through and reached
+good warm-hearted Chicago with nine hotel clerks on my staff, all acting
+as treasurers, assistant treasurers, auditors, ticket-sellers,
+bookkeepers and financial agents, each one wondering why the box office
+department was receiving accessions to its ranks in the face of such bad
+business."
+
+"An' did they never tumble to the little joker?"
+
+"Well, I candidly admit it required the exercise of considerable tact to
+keep them in complete ignorance of the true situation."
+
+"Of that I have not the slightest doubt."
+
+Handy was silent a moment.
+
+"Fogg, did you ever worry over a promoter's prospectus of a proposed
+financial scheme prepared for the edification of the public with the
+laudable intention of separating people from their money?"
+
+"Some," answered Fogg, slightly mystified at the change Handy had given
+to the conversation.
+
+"That being the case, you can call to mind how eloquently the promoter
+labors to convince prospective investors how they can get in on the
+ground floor and lay the foundation of a fortune to be made out of a
+hole in the ground?"
+
+"I've heard of such things."
+
+"Do you know how it was done?"
+
+"Search me."
+
+"Well, I, too, can do a little in that line myself. I did some of the
+most expert word painting to my assistant financial agents or their
+representatives and held them together and in good fellowship until I
+reached my harbor."
+
+"If the question is not an indelicate one," said Fogg hesitatingly,
+"might I inquire if you ever paid up?"
+
+"Every dollar," quickly responded Handy. "When we reached Chicago we
+struck smooth water and entered upon a prosperous sea for four weeks.
+Money fairly poured into our coffers. One by one I sent each hotel clerk
+back to his employer, with a check for the money I owed him in his
+pocket and a receipted bill in mine. I squared up with every one I was
+indebted to. You know when we make money we make it fast."
+
+"And part with it as readily," added his friend.
+
+"That has nothing to do with the case, my boy. Now, let me ask you if
+you think I told you this moving tale of ups and downs for the mere fun
+of its recital, do you?"
+
+"Well, partly fun, kill time, and partly to a--a--a----"
+
+"Yes, go on. Partly to a--a--a----what? Why don't you finish the
+sentence?"
+
+"To illustrate the principle of a novel way to pay old debts, eh?"
+
+"Right you are," replied Handy emphatically. "And let me add, so far as
+you are personally concerned----" For the first time during the
+narration he looked thoroughly in earnest.
+
+"I'm listening."
+
+"When you ever get in a bad box or are up against it, don't lay down and
+brood over the hardship, but set to work with a will to get square with
+your troubles as becomes a man."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+
+    "Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
+    How I wonder what you are."
+
+    --NURSERY RHYMES.
+
+
+Three weeks after "The Lady of Lyons" episode Handy was once more in
+harness and equipped for the stage. He had captured what is technically
+known as "an angel" and was fairly well provided for another brief
+campaign. His friend Smith was engaged to accompany him and to officiate
+as general utility man in the broadest sense of the term. Fogg, who had
+been instrumental in lassoing the "angel," was engaged to be leading man
+of the new organization. An "angel" is one of those peculiar individuals
+who have stage aspirations, with money to burn; is ambitious to act, or
+try to, then fret a brief season behind the footlights, in nine cases
+out of ten fails and is never heard of more. The "angel" is generally a
+woman with a "friend." Her stock in trade to embark in an arduous
+profession requiring talent, industry, patience, intelligence,
+perseverance, and self-reliance consists chiefly in a good wardrobe,
+cheek, self-assurance, vanity, and ready cash.
+
+It is a well-known fact that the capital stock of an "angel" melts,
+thaws, and resolves itself into disappointment after she has had a short
+practical experience on the boards. The exacting demands of the
+theatrical calling dims the luster that lured the deluded one recklessly
+to enter the seemingly attractive circle, to appear as the make-believe
+heroines of romance on the stage. A few weeks--perhaps not so long--at
+one of the theatrical factories to be found in nearly all of the large
+cities where _Juliets_ are prepared at short notice, _Camilles_
+manufactured for immediate use, and actors in every department of the
+calling are turned out by some superfluous veteran of the stage at so
+much per lesson, generally in advance, fits the aspirant for a debut on
+a starring tour. How many enterprises of this character have started
+out, with thousands of dollars to back them, too, and returned to the
+city with rudely dispelled hopes and empty purses, it is difficult to
+estimate. Every season brings forth a fresh crop. The industry has grown
+with the times, and the appetite for theatric fame has not in the least
+diminished. The number of fallen "angels" scattered throughout the
+country would cut a respectable figure in a statistical report.
+
+It is only a few short years ago, in one of the leading theatres of the
+country, a playhouse which was subsequently trampled out of existence by
+the march of trade, that five _Juliets_ to one _Romeo_ made an afternoon
+pitiful by the incongruity of the representation of one of the sweetest
+plays of the immortal bard. Every act introduced a fresh _Juliet_, as if
+to demonstrate the unfitness of each aspirant to present adequately even
+the slightest phase of a character which requires the art of a
+consummate artist to interpret properly.
+
+Much has been said and written about the unworthiness of traveling
+companies in the country towns. While much of this may be true, even in
+the large cities as absurd exhibitions of acting may be witnessed as
+anywhere else. No one knew this better than Handy. To give him his due,
+he was usually careful in the selection of his companies. He never went
+half-way to work about it. When he desired to organize a troupe he
+endeavored to gather about him the best from his point of view.
+
+"Indifferent and bumptious actors," said Handy to a friend, "are always
+looking for what they call big money. Their seasons, therefore, are
+short. They learn nothing from experience. They know it all. Yet they
+will hang on the ragged edge of starvation for weeks rather than come
+down in what they are pleased to name as their figures. A really good
+actor has little difficulty in securing an engagement at a reasonable
+salary. I know them, and they can't fool your uncle."
+
+It must be admitted that Handy's experience in this line was somewhat
+extensive. To go into the detail of advance work and rehearsals is
+unnecessary. They may be left to the reader's imagination. They are,
+therefore, passed over in order to get more quickly to the opening night
+and the birth and death of a star.
+
+"Camille" was the drama in which the "angel" decided to make her debut.
+The aspiring amateur, if a woman, generally makes choice of "La Dame aux
+Camellias." Why she does so, if not to bring to her aid a display of
+rich and elaborate costumes, it is difficult to say. In making such
+selection she unconsciously contrasts the possession of rich silk and
+satin frocks, together with valuable jewels, with the poverty of her
+histrionic resources.
+
+The little town of Weston was the place selected as the scene of
+operations. The advance man, or press agent, had played his part well.
+"Camille" met the eye on every fence and blank wall in the place.
+Dodgers literally floated in the air and the town was so adorned with
+snipes that the uninitiated might reasonably conclude that paper costs
+nothing and printers worked for fun. To Handy's indefatigable exertions
+this was in a great measure due. Three nights he devoted to the work,
+and actually painted Weston red with "Camille."
+
+"If you want to have a thing done well," he exclaimed, "you must do it
+yourself or see personally that it is done. There is no use in having
+printing unless you get it up where the public can see it. Billposters
+are peculiar people. They are in certain respects economical, and they
+have their own peculiar ideas of saving. That perhaps is the reason why
+you see so few posters stuck up for public edification and so many of
+them stowed away somewhere on out-of-the-way shelves in bill-posters'
+studios. They are queer fellows, these bill-posters. I've never been
+able to understand them. I've been, in various capacities, with many
+theatrical companies that were amply supplied with all kinds of printing
+to start out with, but when I went about town where we played looking
+for it I had to search pretty closely to find where it was pasted up. I
+therefore, in this case, determined to pay personal attention to that
+part of the business myself." This information or explanation was
+imparted to _Camille_ through Fogg, by the way of a preliminary
+endorsement of Handy's remarkable energy.
+
+Fogg was enthusiastic in praise of the manager's clever publicity
+display.
+
+"I never saw a town so well billed in my life," said he, "and as you
+know, Mr. Handy, I have had some experience in such matters. Don't you
+agree with me, Miss De la Rue?" The last inquiry was addressed to the
+"angel" star, who was standing by his side, apparently as nervous and
+fidgety as if she was about to undergo an examination in a law court.
+
+"Yes, indeed; I think the place is awfully well done," she replied,
+rather timidly, "but I didn't notice as many of my lithos around as I
+expected."
+
+"What!" replied the manager in surprise. "Why, there ain't a saloon or
+cigar shop that ain't got them up. I know, for I've been in all of 'em."
+
+Handy spoke the truth. It is a fact that cigar shops and liquor stores
+are the principal galleries in which the pictorial printing of
+theatrical celebrities and theatrical combinations are placed on
+exhibition. There is more money thrown away uselessly in such places, in
+the way of expensive printing and lithographs, than managers seem to
+realize. Even some of the shrewdest men in the business are not
+altogether free from the weakness of adorning these establishments with
+high-priced pictorial work. The practice at one time had at least the
+merit of novelty, but since it has become a regular thing it has lost
+much of its efficacy and ceased to be remunerative. But what is the use
+of objecting? Stars would be nothing more than mere rushlights if the
+highly colored lithos did not proclaim their prominence in the
+theatrical firmament to those who are ever ready to pledge women in song
+or story in the flowing bowl. Of course, in the interest of art.
+
+"Do you think, Mr. Handy, that we shall have a good house?" inquired the
+"angel," as she stood on the stage before the performance, in a highly
+nervous, hesitating manner. "I should dislike to appear before a small
+audience; it is so discouraging, you know, to an artist."
+
+"A good house?" echoed the optimistic manager. "We'll turn 'em away, and
+you can bank on it," he replied, with an air of confidence that
+reassured the bird of paradise and brought a smile to her face.
+
+"I'm so glad to hear you say so! But I'm ashamed to admit it. But to
+you, of course, as my manager, I may confide and confess I feel awfully
+nervous."
+
+"Happy to hear you tell me so, miss. Remember one thing, that all them
+as amounts to anything are taken that way on a first night. For
+instance, take Sarah Bernhardt. Well, she's a holy terror on a first
+night. There's Francis Wilson--well, it isn't safe to be near him when
+he comes off the stage of a first night. Then there's Joe Murphy, the
+great Irish comedian; when he plays a part, it is said, he becomes so
+nervous that he goes about giving every member of his company a
+ten-dollar bill. Sir Henry Irving was another of those so affected that
+he wanted to make a speech to the audience after every act, and only for
+the restraining influence of Bram Stoker, he would. Charley Wyndham, now
+Sir Charles, makes himself believe he is an incarnation of David
+Garrick. Nat Goodwin is that nervous of a first night that he wants to
+play 'Macbeth' with Maude Adams as _Lady Macbeth_ the next time he
+produces a new piece. All the result of nervousness, I assure you. I am
+affected that way myself on every first performance I appear in. It is,
+strange to say, the greatest evidence we have of the possession of that
+gift of what is regarded as genius. That's what's the matter!"
+
+"You really think so? Oh, it is so consoling to hear you say so! I feel
+easier in my mind after you telling me and placing me on the same
+footing with the great ones of our profession. I'll go and dress now."
+
+The "angel" star hurried off to her dressing-room. Smith, from among the
+manifold duties he was called upon to perform, had just returned from
+the front of the house, where he had been looking after things, as he
+himself put it. He approached Handy and in an enthusiastic manner
+informed him he thought the capacity of the house would be tested.
+
+"Oh, that won't surprise me," replied Handy. "Give me 'Camille' every
+time for a country audience, providing the billing is all right.
+'Camille' is old enough to be young."
+
+"Do you think we're going to give a good show?"
+
+"As to that, I'll speak to you later on. That's another proposition.
+Now, then, get a move on you. Hurry up and dress, and above all things,
+see that your props are all right."
+
+Smith was property man as well as prompter--two important offices which
+in any well-regulated theatrical company would require the services of
+two men. In addition to these, he undertook to double a couple of the
+minor parts. He was an old hand at the work, and doubling and trebling
+did not in the slightest disturb him. He was not always as careful as he
+should be in the matter of detail, and in several instances his attempts
+at faking did not pan out as he originally planned them.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+
+     "Experience is a great book, the events of life its chapters."
+      --SAINTE-BEUVE.
+
+
+By eight o'clock the house was well filled. The signboard bearing the
+legend, "Standing Room Only" was put out in front to catch a few more.
+It was such an audience as would make any manager's heart rejoice. The
+curtain rose promptly on the first act. To say the act went off tamely
+would be simply admitting the truth. Camille was not only uncertain in
+her lines, but she was suffering from a bad attack of stage fright. Were
+it not for extraordinary exertions on the part of the principal members
+of the company--a confidence acquired of long experience--the star of
+the evening would have twinkled out of existence and "Camille" would
+have been presented in one act instead of five. The unfortunate "angel"
+realized for the first time in her life, possibly, that the calling she
+had selected to adopt was not all her fancy had painted it. The
+so-called coaching and training she had paid for proved of little or no
+practical value. She was _Camille_ only in costume--if in that; the
+_Camille_ of the dressmaker--nothing more. The audience, moreover, were
+not slow in recognizing this fact also. That day has gone by,
+apparently, when tyros may sally forth from the city and win country
+audiences with fine dresses, pretty faces, cheek, and inexperience. The
+theatre-going public knows the trick. The days of such barn-storming are
+passing away.
+
+Mr. Fogg, who was the _Armand_, did not make a profound impression. The
+part suited him like an ill-fitted garment, and he felt it. The
+realization of that fact took all the vim out of him. If the real truth
+was known, he, no doubt, wished himself back in his little second-story
+back in the big city, gossiping of what he might, but could not, do if
+he had the chance. Handy was cast for the part of the _Count de
+Varville_. He was not great in the character, but he could wrestle with
+it. Was there a role in the whole range of the English drama he would
+decline to take a fall out of if circumstances demanded?
+
+"Say, you'll have to throw more ginger into the part, old fellow," said
+Handy, as the hero of the carmine blouse of benefit memory walked across
+the stage, looking very disconsolate after the first act. Neither he nor
+the star received the slightest applause during their scenes.
+
+"Wait until the fourth act, the great act of the piece," replied Fogg,
+"and I'll fetch 'em. You just watch me."
+
+"All ready for the second act," cried out the call-boy. A few seconds
+later the curtain went up and the play proceeded. Nothing of particular
+moment transpired during the act. The audience sat through it as tamely
+as if listening to a funeral sermon. _Camille_ was painfully tame;
+_Armand_ as harmless a lover as any respectable parent could desire. The
+remainder of the cast, influenced, no doubt, by the shortcomings of the
+principals, became listless and merely walked through their parts as
+they spoke their lines.
+
+At the close of the act a number of people left the house. They
+evidently had had enough and did not care for more. The "angel" also had
+had enough of "Camille," and wished the whole thing was over. Fogg also
+had had enough of _Armand_, and mentally avowed that never again would
+he undertake a stage lover to an "angel" without experience. In passing,
+it may be added that an experienced "angel" would not accept Fogg for a
+_Claude_ at any price. Handy had enough of both of them, with something
+to spare. In desperation he even expressed regret he did not have a hack
+at _Armand_ himself and infuse some life into it. If he had there would
+have been fun, for Handy's lovers were fearfully and wonderfully made.
+
+The third act passed pretty much as the two preceding acts, only more
+so, with fewer people in the house to see it. A number of noticeable
+yawns evidenced the frame of mind of those who remained.
+
+The curtain went up on the fourth act--that in which Fogg was going to
+do something. He had in the meantime been bracing up. When he made his
+entry and spoke, his manner of speech was somewhat thick, but his acting
+was more energetic. Fogg never could take anything stimulating without
+its going to his head, and as his brain exercised a peculiar influence
+over other members of his body, they all contributed their aid to
+illustrating his actual condition. He at length appeared to wake up to
+the actualities of the situation. So had _Camille_, so had the _Count de
+Varville_, and so had the audience--particularly the audience. Fogg
+strenuously warmed up. The first genuine manifestation on the part of
+the audience occurred when _Armand_, rising from the card-table and
+making a stage crossing, caught his foot in a hole in the carpet,
+caromed against the card-table, upset it, and measured his length on the
+boards. The audience burst into laughter. Audiences really enjoy such
+contretemps, cruel as such accidents or mishaps may be to the luckless
+player. Fogg arose and, wisely affecting not to notice the storm in
+front of the footlights, continued the scene. At length the moment was
+reached for him to shower gold on _Camille_, and by such insult endeavor
+to provoke a quarrel with _de Varville_. Hastily and clumsily drawing
+forth the property purse or bag of coin which Smith had prepared, he
+burst the fastening and showered the contents on the unfortunate
+_Camille_. Lo and behold! the property coin proved to be medium-sized
+brass buttons with long shanks. A far-sighted humorist among the
+audience caught sight of them and, with utter disregard of the dramatic
+situation and ignoring the consequences of his interference, unloosed
+his tongue and in a peculiar treble voice called out:
+
+"Button, button; who has the button?"
+
+The audience caught the ill-timed humor of the situation, _Camille_
+nearly collapsed, and the people on the stage with considerable
+difficulty restrained themselves from taking part in the prevailing
+hilarity. It was some time before the slightest semblance of order could
+be restored in front. Eventually, when something like quiet was
+restored, the act was played to a finish, in a somewhat fitful and
+highly nervous manner.
+
+Behind the curtain there was a very lively condition of things. _Armand_
+was furious; _Camille_ was engaged in giving a practical demonstration
+of hysterical stunts. She declared she would not go on any more. She was
+going to quit right there and then. It required all of Handy's
+persuasive eloquence to prevail on her to finish the performance.
+_Camille_ seemed to be firm in her resolve.
+
+"'Tis only the dying scene," urged Handy. "It's dead easy, and the merit
+of it is that it is the best act of all for you. Only for those
+unfortunate buttons everything would have gone off all serene. We were
+getting into the spirit of the thing when the mishap broke everything
+all up. I'll kill that blithering property man when I lay hands on him."
+
+Fogg had already started on the warpath after Smith, but Smith, having
+an intuitive knowledge that a meeting between himself and his leading
+man would result in strained relations, and not doubting for an instant
+that discretion is the better part of valor, beat a hasty retreat from
+the theatre, costumed and made up as he was, not even remaining long
+enough to wash the make-up from his face.
+
+It was debatable for several minutes whether the "angel" would finish
+_Camille_ or some obliging member of the company would undertake the
+job. None of the ladies appeared ambitious to shuffle off the mortal
+coil of the _Lady of the Camellias_. Finally, after a successful siege
+of coaxing, pleading, imploring, and entreating on the part of Handy,
+the "angel" consented. The curtain went up. _Camille_, under the
+circumstances, did the best she could in speaking the lines. An
+occasional titter from the audience conveyed only too plainly the
+information that the button incident was not yet forgotten.
+Notwithstanding, poor _Camille_ struggled bravely on. It was uphill
+work, but she persevered. At length the fateful moment arrived for
+_Armand_ to make his entrance. No sooner did he set his foot on the
+stage in view of the audience then again the voice of the serio-comic
+humorist in front, in the same weird tone, was, it must have been
+drowned in the laughter of the assemblage.
+
+"Ring down the curtain," piteously pleaded _Camille_ in an undertone
+from her deathbed.
+
+Handy stood in the wings, ready for any emergency likely to turn up, and
+in a very audible prompt whisper replied: "Go on, go on with the scene.
+Die as fast as you can. Don't give them any fancy dying frills, but
+croak at once and have done with it."
+
+Whether the people in front overheard the manager's imperative prompting
+or that the echo of "button" was still ringing in their ears, the death
+scene of _Camille_ was presented as it had never been before--with peals
+of laughter. _Camille_ made a final effort, and then fell back on the
+bed. There was something in the realistic manner of the act that caught
+the quick perception of the audience. The people on the stage also were
+attracted by it, and they gathered about the fallen star. The curtain
+was rung down on the double-quick. The poor girl remained motionless in
+the position she had fallen. The effort had proven too much, the strain
+too great--she had been completely overcome, had broken down and
+collapsed.
+
+Handy and Fogg later in the night were seated together in a little back
+room of the hotel. Fogg was crestfallen--Handy thoughtful. Only a slight
+exchange of conversation passed between them. At length the silence was
+broken.
+
+"Fogg," asked Handy, "do you believe in a hereafter?"
+
+"What a singular question."
+
+"Never mind about its singularity. Do you?"
+
+"Certainly I do."
+
+"In heaven, and all that kind of thing?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then take a friend's advice. Never again undertake the support of an
+'angel' until you reach heaven. They have no buttons there."
+
+The humor was wasted on Fogg. He was too humiliated to relish any kind
+of a joke. After lingering a short time, he retired. The veteran
+remained thoughtful, taking some consolation from his briarwood and a
+steaming hot Scotch. For some minutes he continued in what for some
+reason or other is known as a brown study. How long he might have
+continued in that condition it is not necessary to speculate on. A tap
+at the window aroused him from his revery. He glanced in the direction
+from whence the sound came. There he beheld the well-known face of his
+first lieutenant, Smith. He motioned Handy to come to him. Handy was too
+comfortable where he was. He bade Smith come right in. Smith shook his
+head and pantomimed Handy to survey his get-up. The latter recognized
+the situation, swallowed the contents of his glass, and stepped outside.
+The meeting was not at first particularly cordial, but when Handy
+comprehended the predicament in which his friend had placed himself he
+laughed.
+
+"You're a beaut, you are. It's a mighty lucky thing Fogg didn't catch
+you, let me tell you. If he had, it's dollars to doughnuts there would
+be a funeral in the Smith family in the near future; and what's more,
+you wouldn't have a word as to choice of vehicle in which you went to
+the cemetery. But say, why on earth are you masquerading about the
+streets in that get-up?"
+
+"Oh, cut all that!" replied Smith, "and tell me how I'm going to get my
+street togs. They are in the dressing-room at the theatre, and I can't
+go gallivanting through the streets in this rig. Do you want to have me
+pinched and locked up, eh?"
+
+"Didn't you come from there in 'em?"
+
+"Sure I came in 'em. I had to. I would have come out without anything, I
+was so scared of that lunatic Fogg. But, say, you got through with the
+show all right."
+
+"Oh, yes. Oh, yes! We got through with the show all--wrong, but----"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"The season is closed."
+
+"Closed!" repeated Smith anxiously. "You don't mean it?"
+
+"Yes, but I do mean it. The game is up. No more 'Camille.' The 'angel'
+has fallen. She has had all the starring she wants, and starts
+heavenwards to-morrow on the Pennsylvania limited for the Lord knows
+where."
+
+"An' Fogg--whither goest he?"
+
+"He accompanies her as a kind of guardian angel."
+
+"An'--an'--a--the--salaries, what about them?"
+
+"They remain."
+
+"With whom?" asked Smith.
+
+"They are all right. The 'angel' does the decent thing, and puts up for
+the entire week."
+
+"An' then----"
+
+"Oh, you want to know too much! Maybe I will try and fill in the dates
+myself. I don't exactly know yet, but for mercy sake, come in with me
+and run up to my room, wash the grease paint and make-up off your mug,
+and I will let you have my ulster to cover you while you go back to the
+theatre and get your clothes."
+
+On his return, Smith rejoined his manager and they spent the night
+together. Next morning Handy was up early, and after a conference with
+Miss De la Rue and Mr. Fogg he called on the landlord and settled the
+hotel bill. He then accompanied the "angel" and Fogg to the station and
+saw them both safely on the train. The lady resolved to abandon all
+histrionic ambition, and never after sought the fickle fame of the
+footlights, and Fogg ever since shows an affected contempt for anyone
+who sees anything to laugh at over the button episode of his
+extraordinary one-night season with the "angel" _Camille_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX
+
+    I am not an imposter that proclaim
+    Myself against the level of my aim.
+
+    --ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
+
+
+After Handy returned to the hotel, having parted with his "angel" and
+his star at the station, the first man he met was his landlord, a
+somewhat smart and shrewd, speculative individual, who was not adverse
+at odd times to trying to turn an honest penny by occasional incursions
+into the alluring and fascinating domain of speculation. He had a
+weakness for the theatre, the race-track, the stock market, the trotting
+circuit, etc. He was willing, when the opportunity presented itself, to
+put a trifle into any of these hazards by way of a flyer, as he termed
+it, provided he thought he saw a chance to make a little something on
+the side. He had already made a small stake on stocks, secured a fair
+return from an investment in oil, and came out about even on the
+race-track. Up to this time, however, he had never indulged in the
+luxury of a theatrical venture, notwithstanding the hankering he had at
+times to dabble in that direction. As soon as he saw Handy he called him
+aside and began a little preliminary skirmishing, and in a roundabout
+way started in to lay bare the strenuous thoughts that were agitating
+his mind. He opened up the subject by inquiring when the company
+proposed to go back.
+
+"On the 2.30 train," answered Handy, not knowing or caring whether there
+was a train at that particular hour or not. "Why do you ask?"
+
+"Well, I was just thinking"--and the landlord spoke with measured
+care--"I was just thinking, as I said, that perhaps you and I might be
+able to arrange some kind of a deal to give a show at Gotown, make a
+stake, and whack up on the profits. What do you say?"
+
+"Gotown! Gotown!" replied Handy. "Never heard of it. No, I guess not.
+You see, times are pretty brisk now; good people are in demand, and if
+we remain away from the city for any length of time some of the company
+might lose the opportunity of a steady engagement for the season. No, I
+can't take the risk."
+
+Handy was anxious, nevertheless, to make the venture, and he felt
+satisfied the company would stick by him.
+
+"There's money in it for the two of us," urged mine host of the inn.
+"The outlay will not be much, and the profits will be all ours to split
+up. It will be the first show that was ever given in the place!"
+
+"What!" exclaimed the veteran, in surprise.
+
+"It will be the first show ever given in the town."
+
+"You take my breath away. Say, you don't mean to tell me there is one
+town in the United States that has escaped the showman?"
+
+"Yes. Gotown has, an' I'll gamble on it," said the landlord.
+
+"Stay! There must be some kind of a rink there?"
+
+"No."
+
+"No rink."
+
+"No."
+
+"A museum, then--moving-pictures snap?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Has there been a circus there recently?"
+
+"Never had a circus within miles of it."
+
+Handy seemed puzzled. He looked at the landlord, and his face bore a
+quizzical expression as he said: "Say, mister, what in thunder kind of a
+place is this Gotown, anyway--a cemetery?"
+
+The landlord laughed, Handy wondered, and neither spoke for some time.
+It perplexed the veteran to reconcile with his mind the fact that there
+happened to be hid away, a town in the United States that had not yet
+been tapped by the industrious and ubiquitous showman. Reflection,
+however, might have convinced him that it was not such an extraordinary
+circumstance, after all. In this glorious and growing country cities and
+towns spring up in an unprecedentedly brief period through the magic
+influence of intelligence and industry. The discovery of some product
+that for ages has laid sealed up in the secret laboratories of nature in
+a little time has transformed the seeming sterility of a wilderness into
+the productiveness of a cultivated garden. The labor of brains and
+hands, preceding the employment of energy and capital, breaks the
+silence of time and makes way for the music of practical development.
+Active brain and toiling hands had won from mother earth rich stores and
+transformed the apparent barrenness of the ground convenient to where
+Gotown sprang up into the nucleus of a flourishing city. Someone had
+struck oil.
+
+"Is it a cemetery? you ask," said the landlord, after he had enjoyed
+Handy's amusing inquiry. "A cemetery, eh? Well, all I can say is that
+you'll find in Gotown the liveliest lot of ghosts you ever tackled in
+your life, if you visit the place. Gotown, a cemetery! Well, I'll be
+darned if that ain't the best I've heard in a blue moon!" and again he
+started in laughing. "Why, bless your soul, man, no one has had time to
+die there yet. Not on your life! Gotown will be Petroleum City before it
+gets out of its knickerbockers, or I'm a Dutchman."
+
+Handy opened his eyes in surprise. The actual situation flashed suddenly
+on him.
+
+"Struck oil there, eh?"
+
+"Rich."
+
+"Many wells?"
+
+"Let me see! There's the Anna Held, the Billy Brady, the Bob Hilliard,
+the Peerless One, the Teddy on the Spot, the----"
+
+"Oh, never mind the names. Skip them. Oil wells by any old names smell
+just the same. How many of them?"
+
+"Ten, fifteen--maybe double that. Can't exactly tell. They are boring
+all the time and striking it rich."
+
+"'Nuff sed. And you tell me they never had a show there?"
+
+"Why, darn it, man! the town was only christened about a year ago."
+
+"Then we'll confirm it and open its gates to the histrionic industry of
+the country. I'll have a talk with the company. But we will have to
+arrange about some printing."
+
+The gleam that illumined the landlord's face at the mention of printing
+was a study. Handy was somewhat mystified, and he was still more
+surprised when the landlord, with a knowing look--a look all landlords
+seems to hold a patent on--bent over and said: "Leave that to me, and
+you'll be satisfied. We'll get the winter's supplies out of this snap.
+Come, let's have something." With this hospitable suggestion, both men
+made a flank movement in the direction of the cafe.
+
+"Now, then," began Handy, "did I understand you to say you could fix the
+printing?"
+
+"You did."
+
+"How?"
+
+"Well, I will put you wise in that direction. Will you smoke? All right.
+Now, then, light up an' we'll take a comfortable seat by the stove."
+
+"Lead on, Macbeth, and--well, you know the rest of it."
+
+Drawing up a couple of well-seasoned chairs, they both settled down for
+a practical business talk.
+
+"I have," said the landlord, "in the storeroom a stack of printing. I
+came by it in this way. There was a show out here about a year ago. The
+company got stranded; could go no further, and, to make a long story
+short, when the troupe started to walk home the printing remained
+behind. Exhibit No. 1."
+
+"I'm on. Proceed."
+
+"Let me further elucidate. I had a partner who at one time was in the
+bill-posting profession--it is a profession now, isn't it?" Handy
+smiled. "Well, he had a bit of money--not a great deal, and he invested
+in the line of publicity. Well, he was called away suddenly. He didn't
+exactly die--but that's of no consequence, and his assets dropped into
+my hands for safe-keeping. Among the valuables was a lot of
+miscellaneous printing of all kinds, plain and colored--and of all sorts
+and sizes--a dandy assortment. Exhibit No. 2."
+
+"Fire away!"
+
+"Furthermore, old Phineas Pressman, the town printer here, owes me a
+bill. It isn't much, but little as it is I can't squeeze a red cent of
+ready money out of him, and I see no earthly way of getting square with
+him only by giving him an order for whatever new printing stuff we may
+require, and in that way change the balance of trade in my direction.
+Exhibit No. 3. Do I make myself clear?"
+
+"Perfectly."
+
+"But you don't seem to enthuse over the prospects."
+
+"No," answered Handy calmly. "No, I'm no enthuser. I was just turning
+over in my mind your proposition. As I have not seen your paper, how it
+would suit, I can't imagine what it looks like."
+
+"What in thunder has that got to do with the case? Paper is paper,
+printing is printing, and pictures are pictures, ain't they?"
+
+"Quite correct, my friend. But you must bear in mind that they might not
+fit any show that the company could do itself credit in."
+
+"Stuff and nonsense! You make me slightly weary," replied the landlord.
+"Suppose it don't--what then? If the printing don't suit the play or the
+entertainment, what's the matter with the entertainment being made to
+fit in and suit the printing? Don't they all do it? What do you think
+printers and lithographers butt in and become theatrical managers for?
+For the sake and love of art, eh? Rot! You know as well as I do that
+this pictorial work you see stuck up all around hardly ever represents
+the thing they give on the stage and to see which the theatre-going
+public puts up its good coin to enjoy. Why, bless my soul, Mr. Handy,
+there's hardly a show on the road to-day that don't lay its managers
+liable to arraignment for obtaining money under false pretenses by the
+brilliancy of the printing and the stupidity and poverty of the
+performance."
+
+"You talk like a reformer!"
+
+"Reformers be hanged! I was about to tell you that some time ago there
+was a movement on foot in one or two of the Western States to secure the
+passage of a legal measure compelling showmen to actually present on the
+stage what their pictorial work on the dead walls and billboards
+promised. If the shows now going the rounds were half as good as their
+printing, they'd be works of art."
+
+"Say, boss!" remarked Handy admiringly, "you have the real Simon pure
+theatrical managerial instinct in you, you have. You haven't always been
+in the hotel business?"
+
+"Nix, I had at one time the candy privilege with a circus, and I had to
+keep my eyes open, I tell you."
+
+"Shake, old man," as Handy extended his hand. "When you began talking
+printing I knew you were on to the racket and understood something about
+the theatrical biz. Why, you're one of us. You belong to the profesh."
+
+"Oh, give us a rest with your nonsense! What are you chinning about? I
+am just a plain, common, every-day innkeeper."
+
+"Suppose you are. Let it go at that, and let me tell you times are
+advancing. We live in a great age--a progressive and changeable age.
+There was a time when theatres and theatrical companies were managed or
+directed by men who were actors, or had been actors, or by men who had a
+love for the business, and had some particular talent or fitness for the
+trade; but nowadays all that is changed, and all sorts of chaps have
+butted in for the sake of what's in it for them. It is not, let me tell
+you, an unusual thing to find the druggist of yesterday, or the
+commercial drummer, or newspaper man of the week previous, become the
+impresario of an opera troupe or the manager of a playhouse the
+following week. This is a most changeable as well as progressive and
+strenuous age."
+
+"You speak like a philosopher, Mr. Handy."
+
+"Do they tell the truth?"
+
+"They are credited with doing so."
+
+"Then you can safely bet on my talk."
+
+"Now, then--what about Gotown?"
+
+"I'm with you. We'll tackle Gotown on miscellaneous paper. There's my
+hand on it."
+
+That afternoon Handy and the landlord started for the scene of
+operations, to look the place over. Before going, Handy had an interview
+with the members of the company, unfolded his plans to them, and drew a
+flattering picture of the prospects of success. A few of them hesitated
+and decided to go home, but enough remained to enable the veteran to
+carry out his scheme. To Smith was entrusted the duty of ascertaining
+the strong points of the individual members of the troupe and finding in
+what particular line their talents would show to the best advantage.
+
+"Try them in song and dance," were Handy's instructions to his
+lieutenant, "and all that kind of thing. We will have to fake this show
+in red-hot style. We are not going to play to any Metropolitan Opera
+House, Dan Frohman, or Dave Belasco audience. Don't forget, old man, we
+are going into a mining district where we will have the first go at it.
+Quantity not quality must be our motto. Remember, above all things,
+Smith, that the corned beef and cabbage of the menu will be more
+acceptable for a starter than the roast beef and plum pudding of
+dramatic art. Take your cue from the great far West. The young towns out
+there have all gone through a similar experience, until now they have
+become so fastidious that nothing less than grand opera, with a bunch of
+foreign stars, or a presentation of imported plays and play actors can
+satisfy their cultivated tastes. Let your show dish be well hashed and
+don't, above all things, neglect the histrionic pepper and mustard. The
+more highly seasoned it is the more kindly our patrons will take to the
+theatrical feast we will be compelled to give them."
+
+"Leave that to me."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+
+    "I'll view the manners of the town,
+    Peruse the traders, gaze upon the buildings."
+
+    --COMEDY OF ERRORS.
+
+
+Handy and the landlord spent the late afternoon and a good portion of
+the night in Gotown. It was a strange, straggling-looking arrangement of
+recently put together frame houses, cranes, derricks, and piles of
+lumber. So newly built were the habitations that many of them were
+devoid of paint. It was to all intents and purposes an active, stirring,
+busy little place--a hive of industry. Handy and his friend made a
+casual survey of the locality, paid visits to a number of saloons,--the
+town in that respect being well equipped,--and made several
+acquaintances. From what they had seen and heard they came to the
+conclusion they could "pull off" a fairly good-sized stake as the result
+of their venture.
+
+Without going into detail to any great extent, the two men made the
+following agreement: Handy engaged to put up his experience and the
+services of the company against the landlord's capital. That is, mine
+host of the inn was to defray all the expenses of the undertaking,
+including cost of transportation, board, and lodging for the company
+that was to supply the entertainment. Of whatever came in the landlord
+was to take half and Handy the other half. From his share of the
+proceeds Handy was to make good to the company.
+
+"It seems to me," remarked Handy, "we stand a purty fair chance to do
+something here. But, say, we haven't yet seen the hall or theatre or
+ranch we're goin' to show in."
+
+"That's so," replied his companion. "Let's just cut across lots here and
+go and see Ed McGowan. This way," and they made a bee-line through a
+field.
+
+"Ed McGowan," repeated Handy. "Who is he?"
+
+"Big Ed? Why, he bosses the job of the crack gin-mill of the outfit, and
+runs things."
+
+"A good man," says Handy, "to be on the right side of, if he's all
+right."
+
+"Is it Ed? You bet! Why, Ed is the Pierpont Morgan of the whole lay-out.
+He's nobody now, apparently, but wait 'till he gets his fine work in an'
+he'll own the whole shooting-match. Mark what I'm a-tellin' you."
+
+"Is the hall convenient to his laboratory?" quizzically inquired Handy.
+
+"Darned if I know. When I was up here a couple of weeks or so ago Ed
+told me he was goin' to put up a hall or something where the boys, as he
+called them, could have a dance or a slugging match, or a show,--any old
+thing, in fact, that came along in the way of diversion and amusement."
+
+"Say, boss," said Handy, somewhat puzzled, "are you serious or are you
+stringin' me?"
+
+"I don't understand."
+
+"We start even, then, for blow me if I understand you."
+
+"Please explain yourself."
+
+"I'll do my plainest!"
+
+"Skip the prelims and get down to facts. I ask you to point out the hall
+we're to give the show in, and you treat me to a ghost story about some
+fellow named Ed McGowan who thinks about putting up one where the boys
+can have a dance, see a show, take part in a slugging match or indulge
+in any other eccentricities too superfluous to enumerate. I confess I
+have been on many wild-goose chases in my somewhat long and varied
+career, but this takes the gingerbread. Now let me ask you frankly, is
+there a hall at all, at all, in the place?"
+
+"I don't know."
+
+"Great Caesar's ghost! What? Don't know? Say, is there an Ed McGowan,
+then? Boss, I'm growin' desperate," and the veteran looked as if he was.
+
+"Sure there is," replied the landlord, with a laugh.
+
+"Then for the Lord's sake lead me out of this wilderness of doubt into
+his presence."
+
+Not another word was spoken until they crossed the threshold of Ed
+McGowan's barroom. It differed little from other places of its class,
+save that it had a bigger stove, a greater number of chairs, a more
+extensive counter for business purposes, and a more extensive display of
+glassware reflected in the mammoth mirror.
+
+"Hello, hello, Weston, old fellow! Glad to see you!" was the salutation
+that rang out in a cheery voice after the newcomers had made their
+entry. "What in thunder brings you up to these diggin's?"
+
+McGowan had a playful little way of addressing his friends by the name
+of the places from which they hailed. He was a good specimen of man, and
+could tip the scales at two hundred. Above middle height, he was a big,
+broad-shouldered, deep-chested, bow-windowed, good-natured kind of
+chap--one who would travel a long distance to do a good turn for a
+friend and travel equally far to get square with a foe. At the time of
+the entrance of the theatrical projectors, big Ed was vigorously
+employed in getting something like a shine or polish on the top of his
+bar.
+
+"Just a minute an' I'll be with you," said the big fellow, after the
+first greetings were exchanged. "Let me get things a bit shipshape an'
+I'll join you," and with that he gave another strenuous sweep of his
+muscular arm along the woodwork. "I want to have things looking trim
+before the night services begin. What's your weakness now, Wes?" he
+added. "A little hot stuff, eh? I thought so. I knew how that
+proposition would strike you. I've got something on hand that'll warm
+the cockles of your heart. Got it in a week ago. It's the real thing--it
+is. And your friend--the same? Good. Patsy, make three nice hot Irishes.
+No, not that bottle--you know the one I mean. J.J. Yes! That's it."
+
+By this time McGowan had completed his arduous labor and joined his
+comrades in front of the bar.
+
+"Well, old man," he said, slapping Weston in a friendly manner on the
+shoulder, "how is the world treating you, anyhow? Ain't you lost a bit
+up here in these diggin's?"
+
+"Oh, I have no kick coming," was the reply. "Mr. McGowan, I want you to
+shake hands with my friend, Mr. Handy, of New York."
+
+"Glad to know Mr. Handy. You hail from the big city, eh? I'm a New
+Yorker myself--left there some time ago. A good many years have rolled
+on since then. I suppose I'd hardly know the place now. Set them over
+yonder, Patsy, near the stove. Come, boys, sit down. Just as cheap to
+sit as stand, and more comfortable. Well, here's my pious regards, and,
+as my old friend, Major Cullinan used to say, 'May the Lord take a
+liking to us, but not too soon.' New York, eh?" and McGowan's memory
+seemed, at the sound of the name, to wander back to old familiar scenes
+of days gone by.
+
+"Yes," said Handy; "hail from there, but I travel about a good deal."
+
+"A traveling man--a drummer, eh?"
+
+"Well, I do play a bit on the drum at times," said Handy, with a smile,
+"but I'm only a poor devil of an actor, if I'm anything."
+
+"An actor, and a New Yorker. Shake again. Put it there," as he extended
+his hand. Then looking at Handy closely for a moment, he turned to
+Weston and said: "Say, Wes, I know this man, though he don't seem to
+know me."
+
+"Indeed, Mr. McGowan, you have the best of me."
+
+"Sure," responded McGowan. "Well, here's to our noble selves," and the
+trio drained their cups. "An' now, Mr. Handy, to prove my words that I
+know you. You used to spout in the old Bowery Theatre? Ah, I thought so.
+Knew Bill Whalley? Of course you did. Poor Bill--he's dead. A good
+actor, but a better fellow. He was his own worst friend. And there was
+Eddy. Eddy. Eddy. He was a corker. Yes, he cashed in many years ago.
+Then there was Mrs. W. G. Jones. God bless her! Dead. God rest her soul.
+She was the salt of the earth. And what has become of J. B. Studley?
+Wasn't he a dandy, though, in Indian war plays? You bet! Jim McCloskey,
+I think, used to fix them up for him. And will you ever forget G.
+L.--Fox, I mean. There never was his equal in funny characters, and as a
+pantomimist no one ever took his place. They tell me the old spout shop
+is now turned into a Yiddish theatre. Well! well! well! How times are
+changed! I suppose the fellows I knew in days gone by are changed
+too--those of them that remain, I mean. The ones that are dead I know
+are."
+
+"Yes," replied Handy, "you'd find New York a much changed city since
+then. It was, I believe, Dutch originally; then for a time the Irish had
+a hack at it; but all the nations of the earth having sent in their
+contributions of all sorts and sizes and tongues, it's purty hard now to
+make out what it is."
+
+"Wonders will never stop ceasing, will they? Well, Wes"--and Big Ed
+turned and directed his attention to the landlord--"what did you come up
+here for? You came up after something. What's the little game? Want to
+buy land?"
+
+"No. I'll tell you. Our friend here, Mr. Handy, at my suggestion, made
+this visit with me to see you on a little speculation of our own. Mr.
+Handy a week--not quite a week ago--came out to my town with a
+theatrical troupe to show for a week. The company played one night, when
+the staress grew tired and quit after the first heat and went home to
+mother. This brought the season to a premature close."
+
+"Nothing particularly new in that," answered McGowan; "but continue."
+
+"Well, under the circumstances we--Mr. Handy and myself--got our heads
+together and came to the conclusion to run up here and have a talk with
+you and see if we couldn't make some arrangements to bring the company
+up and give a show."
+
+"I see. That's the racket, eh? Where did you propose to give it?"
+
+"In that new hall of yours, of course."
+
+"My new hall, eh?" replied McGowan, in surprise, and laughing. "Why,
+Wes, the gol-darned thing ain't built yet, but the men are at work on
+it. If it was ready I'd like nothin' better than inauguratin' the place
+with a show, for between ourselves I'm a bit stuck on theatre-acting
+myself. I'm sorry. The carpenters started in over a week ago and this is
+Tuesday."
+
+"And is there no other place?"
+
+"Let me see. No, I don't think so. Kaufman's barn was burned down last
+week, so you couldn't storm that now. Siegel's wouldn't be just the
+place, and, besides, they have other cattle there now, so that's out of
+the question. You might get a loan of the church--no, the church is not
+a church. We only call it so for respectability's sake. It is used for
+almost any old thing on week days, and on Sunday a dominie from an
+adjoining parish tackles sermons once in a while. But then, I hardly
+think it would suit. But hold on a minute--when did you expect to come
+here?"
+
+"Well, we thought of getting here Saturday night."
+
+"Saturday night!" exclaimed McGowan, in surprise. "Why didn't you say so
+at first?"
+
+"What's the matter now?"
+
+"Saturday night! Why, I thought you meant to descend on us to-morrow
+night. 'Nuff sed. Say no more. The academy will be ready for you."
+
+"The what?"
+
+"The Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music will be ready for inauguration
+by a company of distinguished actors--all stars, more or less--from the
+principal theatres of the metropolis--next Saturday night," replied Big
+Ed in a grandiloquent outburst.
+
+"You don't mean it, Ed?" said the Weston landlord, somewhat amazed at
+the suggestion.
+
+"Can't be did," said Handy.
+
+"Can't, eh?" remarked McGowan, with a smile of contempt on his cheery
+face. "You don't know Gotown, my friend. Come here," he continued, as he
+rose from his chair and moved toward the door and motioned his friends
+to follow. "It is purty dark outside, but no matter about that. Look out
+yonder and tell me what you see?"
+
+"Not much of anything now, but the faint outlines of a bunch of houses,
+cranes, derricks, and things, and a lot of lights," replied Handy.
+
+"Right you are in what you say. Now listen to me and hear what I have to
+say. Had you stood on this same spot you are now standing on, a year
+since, and in broad daylight, the only thing you'd have seen, barrin'
+the ground, would be the cattle in the field--and darned few of them, at
+that--and a few houses here and there, miles apart. A year ago, my
+friend, lacking a few days, Gotown didn't exist. Isn't what I'm tellin'
+him true, Myles?" said the speaker, appealing for corroboration of his
+statement to one who was evidently a steady patron of the McGowan
+establishment, and who was about to enter.
+
+"That's about the size of the truth of it. A year ago, come next
+Saturday night, we christened her, all right, all right."
+
+"What's that you said?" asked Handy, suddenly brightening up. "A year
+ago, did you say? Christopher Columbus! if we only had a place to show
+in we could celebrate the centennial anniversary of Gotown."
+
+His hearers burst into laughter, and Big Ed concluded that the way Handy
+took in the situation was worthy of a treat on the house, to which the
+newcomer, Myles O'Hara, was specially invited.
+
+"Say, Myles," inquired the boss, as they stood in front of the bar, "how
+long will it take to finish the Academy?"
+
+"Inside and outside?"
+
+"Yes. Both. Complete."
+
+"Well, that depinds. As Rafferty has the contract, I should say three
+days."
+
+"Three days!" exclaimed Handy and his friend from Weston.
+
+"I'm spakin'!" replied Myles, in a consequential manner. "An' be the
+same token, I know what I'm talkin' about. Three days sure, an' mind
+yez, Ed, I don't say that bekase I work for Rafferty. I'm not that kind
+of a man."
+
+"An' make a good job of it?" asked McGowan.
+
+"Well, he may not give you much gingerbread work in the shape of
+decorations, but you'll have a dacint-lookin' house enuff for an academy
+of music."
+
+"Ed," interposed the man from Weston, "if you could only get the place
+ready, what a Jim Dandy house-warming we'd have, in addition to the
+celebration commemorating the birthday of the town! Do you think the job
+can be put through on schedule time?"
+
+This made Myles a trifle irritated. "Arrah, what are yez spakin' about?
+Look-a here, me frind, I'm givin' ye no ghost story. Didn't Rafferty put
+up ould Judge Flaherty's house inside of a week, and moved in the day it
+was finished, an' thin have a wake there the next evening," argued
+Myles, by the way of a clincher to his argument.
+
+"All right, Myles, I know you know what men can do if it comes to a
+pinch," responded Big Ed, somewhat nervously. "But let me ask you, could
+a stage be put in the hall for the opening?"
+
+"A stage--do yez main an omnibus?"
+
+"No, I don't mean no omnibus," replied the big fellow, with a humorous
+twinkle in his eye.
+
+"A scaffoldin', thin, I persume ye main," continued Myles.
+
+"Oh, darn it, no! I mean a stage--a stage for acting on."
+
+"Oh, I see now. I comprehind. A stage for show actors," replied O'Hara,
+as if a sudden light had dawned upon his not particularly brilliant
+imagination. "Let me ask yez, what's the matter with a few impty
+beer-kegs standing up ag'in' the wall, an' in the middle, with beams
+stretched acrost them and fastened on with tin-pinny nails, and afther
+that some nice clain boords nailed on the top ov thim? Wouldn't thim be
+good enuff for show actin'?"
+
+"Don't say another word, Myles," said McGowan. Then turning to Handy and
+his friend: "We'll guarantee to have everything all right on time, so
+far as the academy is concerned, and if you fellows do the rest and
+provide and arrange the entertainment, we'll make Gotown hum on Saturday
+night."
+
+"You mean it, eh?" asked Weston.
+
+"I'm chirpin', I am," replied McGowan.
+
+"Next Saturday night?" inquired Myles.
+
+"Sure."
+
+"It's payday, too."
+
+"So it is," said McGowan cheerily.
+
+"An' yez know what payday means in a new town wid a show on the spot."
+
+"I should say I did."
+
+"Well, as I was about to say," continued Myles, "wid an entertainment on
+hand, indepindint of its bein' the anniversary to commimorate the
+foundashon of the place, I think Gotown will make a record for herself
+on that occasion."
+
+"Myles, you've a great head," laughingly suggested Big Ed, at the same
+time slapping the speaker playfully on the shoulder. "Wouldn't you like
+to take a hand in the entertainment yourself, with Mr. Handy's consent,
+and make an opening address?"
+
+"Ed McGowan, ye're very kind, but spakin' is not my stronghowld; but let
+me be afther tellin' yez I kin howld me own wid the best of 'em, no
+matter where they're from, in the line of a bit of dancin'," and O'Hara
+stepped out on the floor and illustrated his story with a few fancy
+steps of an Irish jig which made an instantaneous hit with the crowd.
+
+McGowan laughed outright and applauded; Weston joined him in
+appreciative merriment, while Handy merely contented himself with a
+smile, as he was mentally absorbed in a study of Myles O'Hara. Handy was
+a man of emergencies. He thought quickly and acted promptly. He rarely
+missed a point he could turn to advantage. He fancied he saw in Myles
+O'Hara an auxiliary that might prove valuable. Handy's company was weak
+in terpsichorean talent, and he determined to strengthen it by securing
+local talent through the services of the representative from Gotown.
+
+"Mr. O'Hara," said Handy, addressing Myles, "did I understand you to say
+that you were something of a dancer?"
+
+"That you did, sir; an' so was my father afore me, God rest his sowl!
+Let me tell yez that at sixty-eight years the owld man was as light on
+his feet as a two-year-owld."
+
+"Then, Mr. O'Hara, might I take the liberty to suggest that in honor of
+the day we are going to celebrate you will give your friends an
+exhibition of your skill at our entertainment next Saturday night?"
+
+"Arrah, what the divil do you take me for? Is it a show actor you want
+to make out of me, I dunno?"
+
+"Oh, no, indeed, Mr. O'Hara!" replied Handy, in his most complaisant
+manner of speech. "I would not undertake that job. But I thought on that
+eventful occasion----"
+
+"And," broke in McGowan, "if you do, it will make you solid with the
+boys. You know they like you purty well as it is, but when they hear you
+are going to take part in the anniversary entertainment you can have
+anything you want from them."
+
+"Are yez sayrious, I dunno, at all, at all?" inquired Myles, somewhat
+dubiously.
+
+"Am I?" responded McGowan. "Now, Myles, you know I have always had a
+great regard for you, and do you think I'd speak as I have done unless I
+was in earnest?"
+
+O'Hara reflected a moment, then turning to McGowan, said: "Ed, look-a
+here."
+
+"Yes, Myles, what is it?"
+
+"Bethune ourselves, an' on the level, what d'ye think the owld woman
+would say?"
+
+"Be tickled to death over it."
+
+"An' the childer--what about thim?"
+
+"They'd be no standin' 'em. Why, man alive, they'd be as proud as
+peacocks."
+
+"D'ye think so?"
+
+"Think so, no; I know so, sure!"
+
+"That settles it. Say, Mr. Handy,"--addressing the manager,--"have yez a
+good fiddler that can play Irish chunes?"
+
+At this juncture Weston took a hand in the discussion, and, with an
+anxious desire to solve the musical problem, suggested: "We'll fix that
+all right, all right, as we intend to have the Weston Philharmonic
+Handel and Hayden Society--I think that's the name of the union--to
+operate as an orchestra, and Herr Heintzleman, the leader, who is a
+corking good fiddler, will play the dance music for you."
+
+"Heintzleman!" repeated Myles, in apparent disgust. "No, sur! No
+Heintzleman for mine. Not much! What! Have a Pennsylvania Dutchman play
+an Irish jig for me? Arrah, what the divil are yez all dreamin' about?"
+
+"Hold on, Myles, hold on! Don't get mad. Keep yer shirt on," interposed
+McGowan, as a peacemaker. "Myles, you and Dinny Dempsey, the blind
+piper, used to be good friends. Now, suppose we get Dinny. How will he
+suit you?"
+
+"Now yez are spakin' something like rayson, Ed McGowan. If Dinny Dimpsey
+does the piping work, I'll do the dancin'."
+
+"Is that a go, Myles?"
+
+"There's me hand on it."
+
+"Then Dempsey will be hired specially for you, even if I have to put up
+for him myself."
+
+"But he must come on the flure wid me."
+
+"Sure, Myles."
+
+"An' another thing, he must come on sober. I won't shake a leg or do a
+step if Dinny has any drink in him beforehand. Yez had betther
+understhand that."
+
+"That's a go. I promise you shall have Dempsey, and, what's more, I
+guarantee he will not have a sup of anything until after the show; but
+after the show is over he can have all he can conveniently put under his
+skin."
+
+This brought the preliminary proceedings to an end. By the way of
+closing the bargain, all hands, on the invitation of the proprietor,
+stepped up to the bar and made another attack on McGowan's best. The
+evening was drawing to a close; night had set in, and Handy and Weston,
+having finished their business, were anxious to get away. Gotown was a
+short distance from the railroad station. After they had lighted their
+cigars they were ready to start homeward bound.
+
+"Hold on a minute and I'll walk over with you to the train."
+
+Patsy came from behind the bar and helped the boss on with his coat, and
+the three started away.
+
+On their way across lots they talked of many things appertaining to the
+forthcoming entertainment.
+
+"By the way, Mr. McGowan," said Handy, "is there any danger about the
+hall not being ready for us on Saturday night?"
+
+"Make your mind easy on that score," replied McGowan, with confidence.
+"When I get back to the store and give it out that I must have the hall
+finished by noon on Saturday, in order to celebrate properly and in
+A-No. 1 style the anniversary with a show at night, why, man alive! I'll
+have more men to go to work to-morrow morning than would be wanted to
+finish two Gotown Metropolitan Academies of Music in the time specified.
+Yes, sir; when I tell you a thing like that you can bank on it. You
+don't know me yet, Mr. Handy. But see here, I won't promise to furnish
+the scenery and other fixin's. Another thing, we don't go much on paint
+up here. Ain't got no time to waste over ornamentation yet, but I
+suppose we'll have that weakness in due time. So you'll have to fix all
+trimmin's yourselves. Yez needn't be too particular. We'll have to make
+allowance for that. Give the boys plenty of fun and life and they'll
+excuse the pictures and gingerbread. If the acting is good and strong
+you need have no fear. It is only when the acting is weak and of an
+inferior quality that fine clothes and grand painted scenery is
+necessary to cover it up. At least them's my sentiments. You must have
+some stuff down in your town, Wes, in the theatre that'll help us out?"
+
+"That'll be all right. I'll attend to that part of the job," replied
+Wes.
+
+"Is there any particular style of entertainment you would suggest?"
+inquired Handy.
+
+"No," answered Big Ed. "No, so long as it is good, plain, old-fashioned
+acting, it will be all right. Only don't attempt to give us any of the
+new style, the bread and butter and milk and water kind of thing they
+are dealing out in the theatres in the big cities these days. Let me put
+you wise. We don't go much on style--we believe in the simple life. But
+whatever you act, give it to them good and strong. Well, here we are and
+here's your train. Got your tickets? Yes! All right. Skip aboard.
+Saturday morning I'll be on the look-out for you. So long! Good-night!
+Safe home!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+
+     "Is this world and all the life upon it a farce or vaudeville where
+     you find no great meanings?"
+     --GEORGE ELIOT.
+
+
+When Handy and his pro tem landlord arrived in Weston they discovered
+the ever-faithful Smith at the station awaiting them. He had been on the
+look-out for over an hour. As he had nothing in particular to occupy his
+mind, the railroad station was as interesting a place as any he could
+find in which to loiter. The evening was not particularly agreeable;
+Smith, however, did not mind a little thing like that. He could stand
+it; besides, he was most anxious to meet his manager immediately and
+ascertain what the future promised from actual and personal observation.
+He was pleased when the train rolled in and the two advance men
+alighted. Few words were exchanged between Smith and his principal, but
+few as they were, he was convinced that the visit to Gotown was
+satisfactory. The trio reached the hotel in time for a substantial
+supper. That disposed of, and when the dishes were cleared away, Handy
+began to unburden himself:
+
+"I wish to see the members of the company to-night, Smith, and have a
+talk with them. We have secured the opening night in a brand-new house
+next Saturday night--the Gotown Metropolitan Academy of Music. Don't
+look surprised. It is a fact. The place isn't quite completed yet, and
+may not be altogether finished when we open it. However, that cuts no
+ice, for I never in my experience found a newly built theatre to be
+altogether ready at the time it was announced to open--but the place
+opened, just the same."
+
+"Is it really a new house, Handy?" inquired Smith, somewhat in doubt.
+
+"It will be when it is finished."
+
+"Have you seen the builder's designs? What kind of a place is it,
+anyhow?"
+
+"Designs be hanged! No. They build without plans in Gotown. The place is
+growing so almighty fast they have no time to waste preparing plans or
+designs. The builder thinks them out as he works along."
+
+"But there's a hall?" inquired Smith, doubtingly as before.
+
+"I told you," replied Handy, a little vexed, "it isn't there yet, but we
+will find it there when we arrive. Don't you want to risk it, Smith?"
+
+"Of course I want to go, but there are some who hesitate."
+
+"Who are they?"
+
+"I'd sooner you would find it out from themselves."
+
+"That's it, eh? Mutineers on board. Well, all I can say is they can fly
+the coop at once, and take the next train back." At this point a knock
+was heard at the door and three members of the company entered. "Ah,
+good-evening, gentlemen!" said Handy blandly. "Be seated."
+
+Then in his own peculiar manner he described his visit to Gotown, the
+kind of a place it was, and the prospects of the proposed venture. They
+listened attentively to his story. When he informed them that to the
+company was given the distinguished privilege of opening the new
+establishment, they signified their willingness to take chances. There
+was one, however, who showed the white feather. From his manner it was
+evident he was the one disturbing element in the otherwise harmonious
+organization. He exhibited his ill-concealed contempt of the scheme by
+smirks, smiles, and shrugs. He could hardly be considered an actor. His
+best attempts at acting were bad--at times they reached the limit. Off
+the stage he was a snob by affiliation and a gossiper by inclination. He
+drifted into the profession on the tide of his own vanity and continued
+in the lower ranks through the merit of his complete unfitness to
+advance a rung higher. There are many of his kind in every calling.
+
+"I wish to say one thing right here and now," said Handy, and with
+firmness. "I want no unwilling volunteers, and I am not offering
+bounties. This Gotown venture promises well. I told you what I could and
+would do if things panned out all right, and what I would do, anyhow, no
+matter how things went. I think from my standpoint the proposition is a
+fair one. You are the best judges from your point. Anyone who don't wish
+to go, needn't. That's all."
+
+"Well," replied Smith promptly and cheerfully, "I guess if you can stand
+it, we can; at least I speak for myself."
+
+Those present, except the individual indicated, coincided with Smith.
+
+"May I inquire," asked the member of the company indicated, "what manner
+of entertainment you propose to present at this a--a--Gotown place, Mr.
+Handy?"
+
+"Certainly you may," answered Handy calmly. "It will be one in which
+there is no part for you, sir."
+
+"What do you mean?"
+
+"Only this: Gotown or no Gotown, you are not in it. I have been studying
+your actions for some time. As an actor, we can dispense with your
+services. There is no position in this company for disturbers or
+gossipers."
+
+"I think this is the----"
+
+Handy continued, not paying the slightest attention to the speaker's
+interruption: "The next train leaves at 10:13 for the city--about an
+hour from now. Your ticket will be given you at the station, and you can
+leave here. You are no longer a member of this company."
+
+This episode, instead of weakening Handy in the estimation of his
+people, tended rather to strengthen him. It proved that he could wield
+power when he considered it necessary to do so. Notwithstanding that the
+departing one was unpopular with his associates, he had managed through
+insinuating manners and slippery speech to create petty dissensions.
+After he departed he was voted very much of a bore by those who
+remained. Handy, on the contrary, did not even once refer to the
+subject. The act he considered from a purely business standpoint. He had
+matters on hand of greater moment to engross his attention.
+
+All told, his company numbered seven acting members. He had no advance
+man or press agent. He did not need either. Weston he made business
+manager--he himself was director in general and actor in particular. So
+far everything was all right. What puzzled him most was the class of
+entertainment he had to supply. His company was not such as he
+considered an adaptable one; it was not such as he had when he made the
+descent on Newport. The dwarf was not there; neither was Nibsy--both
+valuable people from a strolling player's standpoint. It is true he had
+his loyal friend Smith, and Smith could be relied upon for any
+emergency. With the ability of the remaining members of his troupe he
+was comparatively unacquainted. In no way disheartened, he determined to
+do the best he could. A scene from one play and an act from another,
+with a liberal sprinkling of songs and dances and monologues sandwiched
+in between the so-called dramatic portions, he concluded, would be as
+good a bill of fare as he could supply. This, with the assistance of the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Orchestra, ought to in all reason satisfy
+Gotown and its audience.
+
+"We are not so all-fired badly fixed, after all, Smith, old boy," said
+Handy, in his customary optimistic manner, as they sat together
+reviewing the situation. "With seven people we can attempt almost any
+practical play. We played, you remember, 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' with that
+number. We also got away with 'Monte Cristo' with seven. Of course it
+wasn't as well done as James O'Neill does it, but that's another
+question. Let me see! How many did we have when we presented 'Around the
+World in Eighty Days'?"
+
+"Fourteen," quickly responded Smith, "but that included a grand ballet."
+
+"Ah, that's so! So it did," said Handy, "but we lost money on that
+venture. There's nothing in these big companies. Small, compact, but
+strong utility companies win every time. Charley Frohman will tell you
+the same thing."
+
+"Seven is none too many for our work, Handy."
+
+"No. It's about the proper figure. With judicious and intelligent
+doubling, a good manager might tackle almost anything. Say, Smith, did
+you ever have a shy at _Richmond_, in 'Richard III'?"
+
+"Well, I should smile," responded Smith, with a delighted expression on
+his face. "_Richmond!_ one of my best roles. Say! How is this," and
+immediately he struck a theatrical attitude and began: "Thus far into
+the bowels of the land have we marched on without impediment; Gloster,
+the----'"
+
+"Hold! Let up right where you are," interrupted Handy. "I know the rest.
+Say, Smith, my boy,"--and the manager looked earnestly at the would-be
+_Richmond_--"I am going to give you the opportunity of your life."
+
+"How's that?"
+
+"We will present for the first time only the great fifth act of 'Richard
+III' out of compliment to the people of Gotown, and you will be the
+_Richmond_."
+
+"Oh, come off!" answered Smith. "Why, darn it, man! 'Richard' will be
+all Greek to them--the Gotown public don't know anything about
+Shakespeare. Maybe never heard tell of him."
+
+"But they will know all about him after we introduce him. But that has
+nothing to do with the case. Now let me enlighten you. I am afraid you
+don't catch on to the situation. I will explain: Don't you see
+_Richmond's_ first speech, 'Thus far into the bowels of the land,' is
+typical of the miner. He makes his living by driving into the bowels of
+the land, don't he?"
+
+"You bet he does, and good money, too," answered Smith enthusiastically.
+
+"Into the bowels of the land, or earth, as the case may be, have we
+marched on without impediment." Handy paused here for a moment to catch
+his wandering thoughts in order to explain his text. "You see, Smith,
+_Richmond_ marched on without impediment. So does the miner at first,
+when he has only to wrestle with the soil, sub-soil, and all that kind
+of thing. Then comes Gloster, the bloody and devouring boar, typified
+again by the hard and flinty rock the miner frequently encounters. For a
+time there's a fierce struggle between _Richard_, as represented by the
+rock, and _Richmond_, as personified by the miner. It's about an even
+bet as to who wins out. The play all over; don't you see? There's a
+purty lively scrimmage between the two. 'Tis nip and tuck for a time. At
+length _Richard_ caves in, and _Richmond_ wins out. So with the miner,
+the rock resists, then finally yields, and after that the milk and honey
+of enterprise in the shape of liquid oil flows forth. Am I clear or
+crude, dear boy?"
+
+"Both!" exclaimed Smith, holding up both hands. "Handy, why in the name
+of heaven were you not born rich instead of great?"
+
+"Smith," continued Handy, "you will be the miner, I the rock--_Richmond_
+and _Richard_."
+
+"Handy, you ought to print a diagram to explain the act. The audience
+may not be able to understand it if you don't."
+
+"Map of the seat of war, eh?"
+
+"Sure."
+
+"Smith, did you ever look over a war map in any of the newspapers that
+had special correspondents on the spot?"
+
+"Certainly I did."
+
+"And read his description of the scene of action?"
+
+"Yes, of course."
+
+"And scan the scare headlines, telegraphic accounts of the battle, split
+up and continued into different parts of the paper?"
+
+"Took in the whole shootin' match!"
+
+"And after reading all this fine descriptive work did you chance to cast
+your eagle eye over the editorial columns?"
+
+"Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. Generally I give the editorial
+comments a rest."
+
+"Now, then, let me ask you, after studying the war maps, and the
+diagrams, and the big heads, and telegraphic dispatches, and our own
+specials, etc., etc., and so forth, what conclusion did you come to on
+the subject?"
+
+"That there was a big battle fought somewhere in which there were many
+killed and wounded, perhaps."
+
+"Now in a few words you tell the whole story, and you tell it well and
+without illustrations or diagrams, and without any unnecessary frills by
+the way of editorials. So will we give the fight to a finish on Bosworth
+Field without any pictorial work. We'll just give it."
+
+"'Tis your idea, then, to give the act simply with the combat without
+explanation?"
+
+"Not exactly in the way you put it."
+
+"Say, Handy, an idea strikes me. What do you say to the suggestion of
+doing the combat scene with two-ounce gloves. A great scheme, eh? Don't
+you think so? 'Twould be modernizing the piece and bring it down to
+date."
+
+"Shades of Shakespeare, angels and ministers of graces defend us! Smith,
+Smith, my boy, don't talk tommy-rot! Gloves instead of swords! Go to.
+Don't you know, my friend, that a glove fight might leave _Richmond_
+open to a challenge from some ambitious and undeveloped Gotown pugilist,
+and then where would we be--I mean you? Oh, no! But I tell you what
+wouldn't be altogether out of place."
+
+"Well, let us hear it."
+
+"We might be able to impress some young limb of the law, in the shape of
+a lawyer, into the service, who no doubt might, after a brief study of
+Professor John Phinn's vocabulary of Shakespeare, be willing to go on
+and tell who _Richard_ and _Richmond_ were in their day, and how
+_Richard_ got the stuffin' knocked out of him because he was crooked and
+a tyrant and a monopolist. And, moreover, as all lawyers like to show
+off in the spouting line, when they get the chance, he might say a good
+word or two for the immortal Bard of Avon. Not that Shakespeare wants
+it, but merely as an evidence of good faith."
+
+"Bully! The more I see of you, Handy, the more convinced I am of your
+remarkable genius."
+
+"Oh, that's all right, Smith. Now, then, let me ask you. Can Daisey De
+Vere"--the only woman remaining of the company--"sing and dance?"
+
+"She has ability and she is willing to stand by us."
+
+"Has she the experience?"
+
+"Plenty of it, such as it is. And she's anxious for more if she gets the
+show. Besides, Daisey is a good, straight girl, and these are the kind,
+I am sorry to say, that have the toughest time in getting ahead, but
+when one of them gets there it's all smooth sailing afterwards. Yes,
+Daisey can do anything and everything a decent girl can try to do. You
+can't faize her. You may put her down for anything to help out. She's
+been there before."
+
+"What kind of a voice has she--a singing voice, I mean?"
+
+"That depends."
+
+"Depends on what?"
+
+"Well, you see, if she is going to sing in girls' duds, she's a
+contralto; but then, if she has to do her stunt in boys' clothes, she is
+a female barytone."
+
+"Oh, she knows a trick or two," said Handy, smiling. "She must have
+traveled some."
+
+"You bet. She's a traveler for fair. She will go anywhere, and she's at
+home wherever she lands. She has one trunk in Chicago, another in
+Cincinnati, a valise in Buffalo, a grip in St. Louis, and other ventures
+she has in safe-keeping for her elsewhere. Her parents live in
+Chillicothe. She has a brother in Frisco, an aunt in New Orleans, an
+Uncle in Boston, an----"
+
+"Hold, for pity sake!" interrupted Handy. "Let up! I don't want to have
+a geographical inventory of the girl's parents, relatives, and personal
+effects to ascertain what she can do histrionically."
+
+"Well," replied Smith, somewhat nettled, "you can make up your mind she
+has wide experience."
+
+"I should say so. With trunks and relatives waiting for her like open
+dates all over the country in most of the big cities, I guess Gotown
+won't scare her. There is one point, however, I can put you wise on--she
+will leave no trunk behind her in Gotown."
+
+"You never can tell in advance, Handy; you were always optimistic. Why
+can't she, if she has a fad in that direction?"
+
+"Simply, my friend, because there ain't a hotel in the place, that's
+why."
+
+"What!" cried Smith, in amazement, "no liquor stores in Gotown?"
+
+"I didn't say that. I said there were no hotels."
+
+"What's the difference? Don't you know there are no saloons in New York
+now? They are all hotels. The law is strict on that score, and if Gotown
+is regulated on the same plan and there are no hotels, I'm beginning to
+have my doubts. Say, old man, this is no prohibition colony you're
+steering us up against, eh?"
+
+Handy looked at Smith in mild surprise and without moving a muscle of
+his face; but there was a quiet meaning in his eye that spoke more
+forcibly than mere words. At length he broke the silence.
+
+"Smith, I'm afraid you are not well. Get thee to bed. Rest your
+altogether too active brain. The Pennsylvania air is a little too much
+for you. I can get along without further assistance. Good-night! See me
+in the morning."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+
+     "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players."
+     --AS YOU LIKE IT.
+
+
+Handy and Smith parted for the night, and then the veteran set to work
+to concoct one of these very remarkable programmes for which his name
+had become more or less famous in different parts of the country. It is
+true he was considerably perplexed over the difficulties that confronted
+him. Perplexities, difficulties, and Handy were old acquaintances,
+however. They had met many a time and oft in the past, and he had
+weathered the storm and as a rule came out a winner. It was hardly
+possible that his customary good fortune would desert him on this trying
+occasion. With the sole exception of Smith, he was absolutely
+unacquainted with the theatric abilities of his company or how far he
+could rely on them to carry into effect his stage directions. Daisey de
+Vere, judging from the elaborate characteristic account Smith had given
+of her, rather appealed to him. He felt satisfied she would fill her
+place in the bill of the play, come what might. She had to. From the
+diagnosis furnished by his lieutenant he thought she would pan out all
+right. He knew he wasn't going to offer an entertainment to a houseful
+of metropolitan first-nighters, with attendant critics from the
+newspapers to display their erudition next morning in cold type and hot
+words. He already considered Daisey as a chip of the old block.
+
+It was well into the night when the indefatigable manager got through
+with his pen, which at best was a work of labor to him--and hard labor
+at that. It is only fair to admit that he had meager theatric resources
+to draw upon and be able in any way to whip it into shape to fit the
+exigencies of the approaching occasion. He derived considerable
+comforting consolation from the reflection that Gotown was virgin soil
+upon which he was called upon to operate theatrically. As the result of
+pondering with his brain and manipulating with his pen, he succeeded in
+evolving a draft of a programme as mixed and varied as might be expected
+from the all-star company gathered together at short notice for a
+benefit or testimonial for some popular unfortunate player--with several
+loopholes for such changes, alterations, additions, subtractions,
+multiplications, and divisions as might suggest themselves or be forced
+upon him later on. From the coinage of his active brain he succeeded in
+bringing forth and committing to paper something like the following as
+his programme for the inauguration and opening night of the Gotown
+Metropolitan Academy of Music:
+
+IMPORTANT NOTICE
+
+Come One--Come All--Be On Hand
+
+GOTOWN METROPOLITAN ACADEMY OF MUSIC
+
+Proprietor and Owner............ Mr. Ed. McGowan
+
+Mr. McGowan takes pleasure in announcing that he has engaged
+the celebrated Actor-Manager, Mr. Sellers Micawber Handy, and his
+talented company of performers to appear
+
+Next Saturday Evening
+
+To celebrate the anniversary of the founding of
+
+GOTOWN
+
+By the official inauguration of the
+METROPOLITAN ACADEMY OF MUSIC
+
+To make the event worthy of this occasion
+this highly talented and distinguished bunch
+will be presented under the direction of Mr. Handy
+
+In a Variegated Program
+
+Made up of selections from undeniably good sources, ancient
+and modern. In consequence of the length and richness
+of the Bill, details will not be given out until the night
+of the Show. It may be mentioned, however, that
+
+_Singing and Dancing_
+
+as well as Acting in all the various departments of Tragedy,
+Comedy, Burlesque, Grand Opera, etc., etc., will be
+introduced in the most approved and up-to-date
+style that circumstances will permit
+
+Local Celebrities
+
+Have generously volunteered their valuable services to lend
+a hand and do something
+
+    List of Prices
+    First half of the house, with seats................... $1.00
+    Second half, back to the wall.........................   .50
+    Seats in the windows, with steps to get at them.......   .50
+    Seats in the balcony, first two rows..................   .75
+    General admission, with a chance for a seat...........   .25
+    Tickets in advance may be purchased beforehand at
+
+Ed. McGowan's Spiritual Emporium
+
+    Tickets bought of speculators on the outside will be refused
+    at the door
+
+    The entertainment will start at 8 o'clock and wind up when
+    the audience have all they want
+
+    P. S.--Don't miss this chance, for it will be the only anniversary
+    of its kind with which Gotown will be honored in a long time to come.
+
+    _The Weston Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society will handle the
+    Music_
+
+After Handy had finished his herculean labor in concocting this
+extraordinary playbill, he leaned back in his chair and read and reread
+it over and over again, to assure himself it was all right. Then with
+the consciousness that he had done his duty, he lay down to rest for a
+few hours to recuperate before he again took up the thread of that busy
+life which, though at times it brought him sore trials and tribulations,
+never appeared to have robbed him of that measure of contentment and
+cheerfulness with his lot which was his chief characteristic in
+sustaining him through the temporary storms of adversity which he
+encountered.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+
+     "There's nothing to be got nowadays unless thou can'st fish for it."
+     --PERICLES PRINCE OF TYRE.
+
+
+The following day was a busy one in thought and action. Notwithstanding
+the disposition and energy of the Gotown proprietor in getting the
+Academy of Music ready, there were many things to be considered apart
+from the mere putting up of the structure itself. And these were as
+necessary as the house proper. In the first place, there was not a
+stitch of canvas prepared for the scenery; the lighting of the house had
+to be considered, and the arrangements for the seating had not been
+mentioned. These were some of the perplexities that confronted Handy.
+
+The first thing he did to prepare himself for the work before him was to
+take a bath. He was a great believer in hygiene, and cold water for
+bathing purposes he considered the best of medicines. The bath taken, he
+sat down to a good plain and substantial meal, with an appetite to enjoy
+it. Then, after carefully loading his briarwood, he summoned his man
+Friday for consultation.
+
+"Now, then, Smith, we have some work ahead this trip, I can tell you,
+and no mistake; and I hardly know where to begin. Anyhow, call a
+rehearsal for one o'clock."
+
+"A what! A rehearsal?" replied Smith, amazed. "A rehearsal--rehearsal of
+what, and may I inquire where?"
+
+"That's so," said Handy thoughtfully. "That's so. Never mind putting up
+the call, or better still, go and see the members of the company and
+tell them to be ready for the call. I'll decide later what I want them
+to do."
+
+The next move of the veteran was to call on the manager of the Weston
+Theatre to see if he could have the use of the stage for the afternoon.
+He found he could not, as the company then playing there wanted it for
+the rehearsal of a new play they had in rehearsal. If the next day would
+suit, the stage was at his disposal. This was an agreeable surprise to
+Handy. It suited him much better, as it gave him a little more time to
+think over the bill he should present at Gotown. He hastened to the
+hotel and instructed Smith to call the people for rehearsal at the
+Weston Theatre at eleven o'clock next forenoon.
+
+This piece of business off his mind, he sought his partner in the Gotown
+venture, to ascertain about the Handel and Hayden Philharmonic. Weston
+had just returned from a visit to Herr Anton Wagner, the leader and
+president of the society.
+
+"I have just parted with the boss of the spielers," said Weston, "and I
+am a bit disappointed. I don't think we can get them to do the street
+parade stunt, but for the night job they will be all O. K."
+
+"What do you mean by the street parade stunt?" inquired Handy, in some
+surprise. "That's a new one on me."
+
+"Well, I thought it would be a great scheme if we could get the Phillies
+to get out their wind instruments and play a few tunes through the main
+street from the station up to the new Academy the afternoon of the show.
+You know I have a couple of dozen army overcoats in the storeroom. The
+spielers could wear them. Then when they got to the Academy they could
+shed their street armor, hide their wind instruments, and start in on
+the string instruments in their glad rags."
+
+Handy smiled, and asked: "How did you succeed?"
+
+"Couldn't work the street racket."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Because the men had to work at their regular jobs. Wagner is a
+shoemaker. He works the trombone in the streets and the bull fiddle
+under cover. The man that works the cornet in the outside operates the
+fiddle on the inside, and he's a dandy at it. He's a tailor, and a good
+one. He made the coat that's on my back; the man that----"
+
+"Hold on. That's enough!" broke in Handy. "I'm just as well pleased you
+didn't get them to do that street stunt. But you are sure there will be
+no disappointment for the night's performance?"
+
+"Sure. They are all anxious to go. But Herr Wagner wants his name to be
+mentioned on the bills as leader and president of the Handel and Hayden
+Philharmonic Society."
+
+"All right. He will have a line on the bills."
+
+"He gave me a pointer, too, and asked me to speak to you about it."
+
+"What is it?"
+
+"The man that works the fiddle,--Wagner calls him his first violin,--is
+an Irishman. His name is Nick Cullen in the shop, but when he tackles
+the fiddle in public he is known as Signor Nicola Collenso. If you give
+him a place on the programme you can put him down for a violin solo on
+the stage."
+
+"Tell him to meet me to-morrow on the stage of the theatre at twelve."
+
+"Good! Nick will be tickled to death."
+
+"Now, then, old man, we're all right so far as the entertainment is
+concerned. That don't bother me a little bit. But the Gotown Academy
+sits heavily on my mind, and all on account of minor considerations and
+the shortness of time in the way of lighting, tickets, seats for the
+audience and scenery. We can't act in the dark, the people who pay for
+reserved seats won't care for standing two or three hours, no matter how
+good our bill of fare is, and there ought to be something in the way of
+scenery, else those who pay their good coin may kick. Do I make myself
+quite plain?"
+
+"Very. And have we to supply all these?"
+
+"You bet! Who else is going to do it? This Gotown proposition was yours.
+I am willing to do all I can. This is Wednesday. There's no time to
+waste."
+
+"So am I willing. But you are bossing the job. Tell me what you want me
+to do and I'll do it."
+
+"Then take the next train for Gotown; see McGowan, go with him to the
+printers at once and get out the tickets, so many at one dollar, so many
+at seventy-five cents, the rest at fifty and on all of these have
+reserved seats in big type. You can then have as many as you think we
+need for general admission. Have no reserved seats printed on them. I
+will give you the copy for the printer before you go. When does the
+train start?"
+
+"About half hour from now."
+
+"Find out from McGowan all about the lighting of the place, and what
+arrangements he has made about seating the crowd; and be sure you
+ascertain if there is any danger of the house not being ready for us.
+You know we have no written or regular contract, as all well regulated
+companies like ours should have. If any other little thing occurs to me
+I'll wire you, and if anything really important takes place up there
+that won't hold over until you get back, wire me. Here's the copy for
+the tickets. Have them printed at once. Get the different priced tickets
+on different colored cards. Red, white, and blue--and green. Now, then,
+go, and good speed and good luck."
+
+On the second visit to the theatre Handy was pleased to notice that
+everything was arranged for him to have the use of the stage next day.
+Though the manager was perfectly agreeable about it, he was noticeably
+worried about something, and Handy recognized it at once. Like Gilbert's
+policeman, the manager's life at times is not a happy one.
+
+"You seem to be put out about something, Governor?" All managers of
+theatres as a rule are governors, through courtesy, and they like to be
+so addressed.
+
+"I am. Say, let me ask you a question. Did you ever have a date broken
+on you at short notice?"
+
+"Did I?" exclaimed Handy, with a smile. "Disappointments and I are old
+acquaintances."
+
+"You can then realize my feelings. The last three days of next week in
+the theatre are open, and this is the second troupe that broke with me,
+and next Thursday is a holiday. Like a fool, I made no effort to fill
+the first part of the week, relying on the holiday night, Friday and
+Saturday's two performances to make up the difference. Isn't that
+tough?"
+
+"That is tough," answered Handy sympathetically. "That is pretty hard.
+Why don't you wire----"
+
+"Oh, don't talk to me about wiring or telegraphing or mailing. I have
+been doing that for nearly a week, until I am nearly gone daft. Of
+course I could get the regular fake, or barn-stormers or turkey
+companies--you know 'em--but none of 'em for me. I want companies I know
+something about."
+
+"Quite right. People you can rely on," continued Handy. "You are in a
+pretty bad fix, and if I can help you out in any way I'll be only too
+happy to do so. To be frank with you, this Gotown venture has been
+worrying me more than I care to admit. You know we open the new Academy
+of Music there Saturday night, and the reason the proprietor is in such
+haste to do so on that date is because Saturday is the anniversary of
+the founding of the town."
+
+"I don't see there's anything in that to worry you. You're dead sure to
+get the crowd."
+
+"Oh, that's all right! But then I am awfully afraid the scenery won't be
+ready. It was ordered only a short time ago. The owner of the theatre
+knows nothing about our business and left it until, I am afraid, it's
+too late. So now you can see the fix I am in."
+
+"That's too bad, too bad! Where do you play after leaving Gotown?"
+
+"Oh, after Gotown, eh?" and Handy became thoughtful and silent for a
+moment, and then slowly and deliberately explained: "Oh, after Gotown we
+are going to lay off for a week and add three or four new members to our
+company. They are not exactly new, for they were with us before, and are
+all good, reliable people and are up in the stage business of 'Down on
+the Old Farm,' a rattling good piece."
+
+It might as well be explained now, as later, that up to the time that
+the Weston manager made known his troubles and his open dates Handy had
+not the slightest thought of "Down on the Old Farm," and did not have a
+date after Gotown.
+
+"Say, Mr. Handy, how large is the stage of the new Gotown house?"
+
+"Well," said Handy, after casting his eyes meaningly around the stage,
+"I should say that it is about the size of this one. Perhaps a little
+deeper." He had, of course, never been inside of the Gotown
+establishment--it being yet unbuilt.
+
+"Now, then, I tell you what I'll do. I can help you and you in turn can
+assist me. I have no attraction here for Saturday night. You can
+therefore make use of what scenery you require, under the circumstances,
+without the drop curtain; but I have a first-rate green baize in the
+storeroom and I will loan all of it to you. My property room is well
+stocked, and you can have the use of the props. Moreover, I'll send my
+stage manager up to Gotown to help you--on one condition."
+
+"Name it, Governor."
+
+"That you will fill my dates of three nights of next week with 'Down on
+the Old Farm' in this theatre."
+
+Handy was dumbfounded at the proposition. It seemed almost like a
+glimpse of heaven. He was almost overpowered, and in a somewhat
+hesitating manner replied: "It is very kind of you, Governor, but I
+cannot give you an entirely decisive answer just now; but this, I assure
+you, you may make your mind easy. I must, if only for courtesy sake,
+consult my partner, who is now in Gotown. Besides, I must see the Gotown
+manager. I may be magnifying the disappointment about the scenery. The
+kindness of your offer and your generosity in putting your scenery at my
+disposal appeals to my heart. I think I can give you an assurance that
+your date will be filled for the last three nights of next week with
+'Down on the Old Farm.'"
+
+"I can rely on your word?"
+
+"Here's my hand. The usual terms, I suppose?"
+
+"I'll go ten per cent better."
+
+"Get out your printing at once for 'The Old Farm,' and make all
+necessary arrangements. I'll be off to Gotown at once. I'll run down and
+send my man up to get the scenery ready for Gotown to-morrow afternoon."
+
+Handy made hasty steps down to the hotel, consulted with Smith, and
+instructed him to go up to the theatre and take a look over the scenery
+and props.
+
+"Our end of the work here is all right, Smith, my boy, but I am a bit
+nervous about the Gotown lay-out. Not that I doubt Mr. McGowan's
+intentions, but I am afraid he has bitten off more than he can chew.
+However, there's no need in bidding the devil good-morrow till you're up
+foreninst him, is there?" Then slapping Smith heartily on the back he
+cried: "And we are all right for next week, too. We play the old
+stand-by 'Down on the Old Farm' at the Weston the last three nights.
+Come down with me to the station and I'll tell you more. I am off for
+Gotown. Will see you to-night, if I can; but if not, I will be with you
+the first thing in the morning. There's no time to lose."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+
+     "Joy danced with Mirth, a gay, fantastic Crowd."
+     --COLLINS.
+
+
+It was a surprise when Handy's cheerful face was seen on the threshold
+of McGowan's emporium.
+
+"Well, I'm blest! Look here, Wes, see who's here! In the name of
+fortune, what wind blew you in?"
+
+"Oh!" replied Handy, in his usual good-humored way, "I was growin' lazy
+workin' so hard, and ran up to see how the Academy is growing."
+
+"Fine as silk. We are putting in overtime on it to-night in the way of
+gasfitting. You know, Handy," said McGowan, confidentially, "these
+gasfitters, like plumbers, are curious critters and need watching, and
+I'm going to have them work night and day until they get through. I
+wouldn't, between ourselves, have this anniversary celebration fall
+through for any amount of money, but----"
+
+"Ah! I was expecting that."
+
+"That but?"
+
+"But we haven't a stitch of scenery for the darn stage. That's what's
+worrying me, and I can't see me way to mend it."
+
+The veteran smiled, and then calmly asked, "Is that all that perplexes
+you?"
+
+"And isn't that enough?" exclaimed his friend.
+
+"Well, under ordinary circumstances," replied the veteran, "it would be
+more than enough; but let me relieve your anxieties. All the necessary
+scenery, properties, including a green baize curtain, latest style, will
+reach Gotown Friday night on special car."
+
+Weston opened his eyes and mouth in wonder and exclaimed "What!"
+
+McGowan, on the contrary, became serious and asked, "Handy, say, are you
+kiddin' us?"
+
+"I am telling you the truth."
+
+Then he explained to McGowan how, through the kindness and patriotism of
+the manager of the Weston Theatre, he was able to do the trick.
+
+McGowan looked at Handy a moment, then caught him in an embrace and let
+a yell out of him that could be heard a half mile distant.
+
+"Patsy!" he yelled out, "get a move on you. Call in Hans to help you,
+and I'll take a hand in myself. Handy, you're a bird! All present step
+up to the bar and drink the health, prosperity, and good luck of Mr.
+Handy and his friend, the manager of the Weston Theatre. This is on the
+house."
+
+As soon as things quieted down and Handy had a chance to have a chat
+with his partner, Weston, he learned that the show promised great
+results financially.
+
+Now that the scenery problem was solved, everybody seemed happy. Big Ed
+was the happiest of the lot. He shook hands with everyone who came in as
+the night grew older, and his description of the special car, and the
+green baize curtain, just like any first-class theatre in New York,
+Boston or Philadelphia, was glowing and picturesque. He was determined
+to show the people of Gotown and the remainder of the county that Gotown
+was in it with both feet, and when she started out to do things that she
+could do it and make no mistake about it.
+
+Handy and Weston took the late train and reached Weston shortly after
+midnight, and retired for a good night's rest.
+
+Next morning as Handy and his host sat together at breakfast, he
+explained the arrangement he had entered into with the regular Weston
+impresario. "The deal wasn't quite closed. I wanted, as I told him, to
+consult you, my partner in the Gotown proposition. I wished to give you
+a chance to go snacks with me in this new venture, if agreeable, on
+condition that you be as light as possible on the company for board and
+lodging while they are not working."
+
+Both of them then set out for the theatre, where they found Smith and
+the company. Smith was in consultation with the stage manager of the
+house. Between them they had already selected three drop scenes--a
+parlor, a drawing-room, and a landscape or wood, two pairs of wings, two
+fly borders, and a pair of tormentors, the green baize curtain, and the
+stage carpet.
+
+"Say, Wes, how does this strike you?" asked Handy, in a stage whisper.
+
+"Great! but how did you do it?" he replied, in a manner bordering on
+amazement.
+
+"Hush! You never can find out how to get out of a hole until you first
+get into one."
+
+"Big Ed McGowan will be the most surprised man in Pennsylvania when he
+sees all this landed at the doors of the Academy."
+
+"Oh, Mr. Smith! have you had a talk with the people, and how do they
+stand?"
+
+"Prepared for anything, and are eager for the fray," answered Smith, in
+a breezy off-hand manner.
+
+"Good! Now then sit down at the prompt table there and make notes,"
+directed Handy, "of our lay-out. We open with a grand overture by the
+Handel and Hayden Philharmonic Society; and as a matter of course, on
+account of their patriotic kindness in volunteering for the celebration
+of the anniversary of the foundation of Gotown, they will have an encore
+and will then play a medley of national American airs, 'Yankee Doodle,'
+'Hail, Columbia,' 'Patrick's Day,' 'The Watch on the Rhine,' 'The Star
+Spangled Banner,' and 'Dixie.' Then the curtain will go up on 'Box and
+Cox.' You'll play _Box_, Diggins will do _Cox_, and Cromwell will play
+_Mrs. Bouncer_."
+
+"Hold on, sir," said Smith. "Cromwell can't do _Mrs. Bouncer_--he has a
+moustache, you know."
+
+Handy smiled. "Let him shave it off. Don't you remember that in Augustin
+Daly's theatre, in the very heyday of its glory, Mr. Daly would not
+allow any actor to wear hair on his face? Cromwell is too good an actor
+to hesitate to make so slight a sacrifice in the interest of art. Tell
+him I said so, Smith."
+
+Smith smiled, and in a stage whisper said: "He heard all you said. Yes,
+Mr. Cromwell will shave."
+
+"Then will follow Miss De Vere in one of her coon songs, after the style
+of Fay Templeton, May Irwin or----What's that, boy?" addressing a lad
+who approached the prompt table.
+
+"There's a man back at the stage door, sir," replied the boy, "with a
+fiddle case under his arm, who says you have a date with him."
+
+"Oh, yes! That's all right, my boy. Where is he?" and Handy walked back
+with the boy. "Is this Signor Collenso, about whom I have heard so many
+pleasant things?"
+
+"Say, Mr. Handy, me name is plain Bill Cullen for every-day work, but
+for professional purposes in the music line I discovered that it pays to
+put on a bit of style, and that's how I came to ring in the Collenso."
+
+"Quite right, my dear fellow! All artists of more or less great ability,
+especially in the musical line, make such alterations. For instance,
+Lizzie Norton is twisted into Mme. Nordica; Pat Foley changed into
+Signor Foli; and when Ellen Mitchell became great, she dropped the old
+name and Italianized it into Melba. Oh, that's all right."
+
+"Yes, sir; I know all that, and there are others. But when you and I are
+talking, let us give the Italian cognomen a rest. Now, what do you want
+me to do?"
+
+"What can you do?"
+
+"Oh, something of everything--classic and otherwise."
+
+"What can you do in the classics, for example?"
+
+"Selections from Mendelssohn, Paganini, Schumann, Rubinstein----"
+
+"Say, my friend," asked Handy, in some surprise, "do you play such
+music?"
+
+"Oh, yes, whenever I get a chance in public; but when alone they are my
+favorites. But, then, for encores I give them 'Killarney,' 'Molly Bawn,'
+'The Swanee River,' 'Mr. Dooley,' 'Harrigan'--anything that's popular
+and what they call up to date."
+
+"All right, Cullen. I'm busy just now. Will you call around to the hotel
+to-night and we'll have a chat, and fix things up?"
+
+"Sure. I'll be on hand. About eight o'clock."
+
+Handy then returned to the prompt table.
+
+"Where were we, Smith? Oh, yes! I remember; we were giving Miss De Vere
+a dance. Well, after Daisey's dance will come Senor Collenso's violin
+solo, selection from Paganini. Then will follow the talented young
+Gotown lawyer in a dissertation on Shakespeare, and also inform them
+about the mill between _Richard_ and _Richmond_. Smith, have you all
+that down?"
+
+"Every word of it."
+
+"And then will come the fight between Richard and _Richmond_ with
+broadswords, in which you will have the opportunity of your life. The
+curtain will drop here, and then there will follow the intermission."
+
+"Are you going to have much of an intermission?" inquired Smith.
+
+"Oh, ten or fifteen minutes or so. You know we must give Big Ed, the
+proprietor of the emporium, as well as of the Academy, a chance to do a
+little bit of business. Besides, it's awfully dry work listening to good
+music, fine songs, and strong acting without something to help you to
+thoroughly enjoy them."
+
+"That's true. That's a great first part, Mr. Handy. Music, song, vocal
+and instrumental; dance, oratory, and tragedy. Great, great!"
+
+"Miss De Vere will start in after the intermission with that beautiful
+and thrilling song, 'Down in a Coal Mine.' Some member of the company,
+whoever knows it, can recite 'Shamus O'Brien,' or some other equally
+popular recitation."
+
+"These two numbers will be sure to catch 'em," remarked Smith, with a
+broad grin of appreciation.
+
+"Then will follow a dance, 'The Fox Hunter's Jig,' by Mr. Myles O'Hara,
+a prominent citizen of Gotown, who has in the most generous and
+patriotic manner volunteered to add to the festivities for this
+occasion. It will be his first appearance on the stage. The music for
+this event will be supplied by the celebrated Irish piper, Mr. Dinny
+Dempsey, who will also be seen on the stage in native Irish costume and
+full regalia. Then, Smith, you can trot out one of your well-known comic
+monologues that you are so famous in. After that we'll wind up with 'The
+Strollers' Medley,' in which all the company will take part, and Daisey
+De Vere can do a favorite stunt of dancing now and then to fill up the
+gap. Now, then, go to work. Get the people busy and have them in good
+working order. Call a full dress rehearsal at one o'clock on the stage
+at the Gotown Academy of Music, so that we'll all know what we've got to
+do at night. I think that's all just now."
+
+There wasn't an idle hour for the remainder of the day and the greater
+part of the next by the company, under Smith's guidance, preparing for
+the anniversary event in Gotown. There were rehearsals, and rehearsals,
+and more rehearsals.
+
+Friday evening, between eight and nine o'clock, Handy, his partner, and
+the stage manager of the Weston Theatre, arrived in Gotown with the
+borrowed scenery and props. Ed McGowan and assistants were at the
+station with three wagons to convey the stage accoutrements to the newly
+built temple of Thespis that was to open its doors to the public the
+following night. It was an all night job of preparation, but there were
+many and willing hands to do what they were bid, under the direction of
+Handy and his pro tem stage manager.
+
+A student of the drama, had he been present, might have been carried
+back in thought a century or over, when many of the great players of
+days that are no more had to go through somewhat similar experiences.
+The Booths, the Cookes, the Keans, the Kembles, the Forrests, the
+Jeffersons, the Wallacks, and other great actors whose names are written
+on the imperishable tablets of fame have traveled over just such roads.
+Smith and the company, after a good night's rest and a hearty breakfast,
+reached Gotown early in the forenoon.
+
+At fifteen minutes past seven o'clock the doors of the Metropolitan
+Academy of Music were thrown open, and at eight o'clock there was not an
+unoccupied space in the house. The Handel and Hayden Philharmonic
+musicians took their places in front of the stage and began the
+overture. It consisted of a medley of familiar airs. The audience was so
+well pleased with what they heard that the musicians had to let them
+have it again. Then the curtain went up and "Box and Cox," a rather
+original version of the old farce, opened the show. It created some
+laughter, but the people came there to be pleased, and they were. "Old
+Black Joe" was sung, with an invisible chorus, and brought down the
+house. Daisey De Vere's coon song, with original business and grotesque
+imitations, made another big hit. Signor Collenso's classic--and it was
+well rendered--was tamely received, but when he treated his auditors to
+"Molly Bawn" and the "Boys of Kilkenny" they went into ecstasies. This
+was followed by the appearance of the rising young lawyer, who paid a
+glowing tribute to Shakespeare, and then introduced _King Richard_ and
+_Richmond_ to fight it out to a finish on Bosworth field for England,
+home, and booty. It was certainly a most elaborately grotesque combat.
+The people in front liked it apparently, and goaded on the combatants to
+redoubled efforts, and when the tyrant king was knocked out three cheers
+and a tiger were given with a vengeance, and the curtain fell on the
+first part amid uproarious applause.
+
+There was intermission of fifteen minutes. On the reappearance of Daisey
+De Vere, when the curtain went up, she was accorded a greeting that
+showed she had won her way to the hearts of her audience. With her
+interpretation of the onetime popular song, "Down in a Coal Mine," she
+completely captured those present with her vocalization. She had to
+repeat the ballad that good old Tony Pastor made popular in days of
+yore, when she had warmed up to her work, her "I'll tell you what I'll
+do. If you'll all join me in the chorus, I'll give you two verses when I
+get my second wind," set them all laughing, and clinched the hold she
+had already secured. The recitation of "Shamus O'Brien" seemed tame by
+comparison. But when Myles O'Hara gave them a vigorous and athletic
+exhibition of the "Fox Hunter's Jig," as Myles' father danced it in the
+Green Isle long before the O'Haras ever dreamt of emigrating to the land
+of the West, the applause was once more renewed. Dinny Dempsey supplied
+the music on the Irish pipes, which was in itself a novelty so appealing
+that he had to repeat, and Myles to dance, until both were fairly used
+up. It was eleven o'clock and after when Handy and his company started
+in for the wind-up, with their familiar old stand-by, "The Strollers'
+Medley." What it was all about no one present could tell. Only there was
+plenty of fun and merriment in it. There was a song, and a chorus now
+and then, a bit of a dance occasionally, and Daisey De Vere did a few
+grotesque steps and Handy entertained them with a comic speech. All were
+in the best of humor and heartily enjoyed what they saw and heard. Joy
+danced with fun, and the crowd was indeed a merry, happy, and fantastic
+gathering.
+
+Before the curtain fell Big Ed McGowan came on the stage. His appearance
+was the signal for a great outburst of cheers. When something like quiet
+was restored, he thanked the audience, on behalf of the company for
+their splendid manifestation of appreciation and grand attendance at the
+great entertainment. He then invited all hands present to join and sing
+"Should auld acquaintance be forgot?" It is needless to add that it was
+sung with a vigor, strength, and heartiness which still remains a
+cheerful memory in Gotown.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+
+    "Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime
+    Bid me 'Good morning.'"
+
+    --BARBAULD.
+
+
+In a small back room in McGowan's hospitable hostelry Handy, Weston,
+McGowan himself, the members of the company, and a few others were
+gathered for a little bite and a sup before the players returned to
+Weston. It was a convivial party--not noisy nor boisterous. Just
+cheerful, good-natured crowd. All were happy over the night's fun. They
+showed it in their smiling faces and laughing eyes. Strange as it may
+appear, the most thoughtful appearing one in the assemblage was the
+veteran himself. McGowan noticed his demeanor more quickly than any of
+the others, and by the way of cheering or bracing him up he rose from
+his chair and proposed for a standing toast the health, wealth and
+prosperity of their friend who afforded them the enjoyment they had that
+night,--"Our friend, Handy! May he live long and prosper."
+
+It was given with a hearty response. A speech was then called, when Handy
+with much reluctance rose and said:
+
+"Friends--I take the liberty of calling you friends after the generous
+treatment you have given me and my poor humble little company
+to-night--we are only a troupe of strolling players trying to do the best
+we can to please you, to make you cheerful, to banish dull care from your
+minds in your leisure hours, and make you laugh with happy hearts. No one
+was ever hurt or harmed by an honest laugh. No time was ever wasted that
+brought with it, through the agency of song, music and acting, brighter
+thoughts and happier feelings. And, after all, that seems to me to be the
+mission of the players. I am no speech-maker, my friends, I am speaking
+to you as the words come from my heart, and my heart is full and happy
+to-night. All the world, we are told, is a stage, a place where everyone
+must play his part. And how true are those words both men and women know.
+I feel as if I had played many and many parts. I have had my ups and
+downs; my joys and sorrows, and sometimes I have supped bitter in sorrow.
+But no matter, I presume we all have the same story to tell. I am not
+going to bother you with a recital of any of them. Let them pass, just as
+the summer storm passes away when the sun peeps out from behind the
+clouds and lights up everything with its radiance and makes us all
+cheerful, contented and happy. Ah, boys! I have been many years on the
+road, traveling over this broad land of ours. Aye! a poor player. I have
+grown old in the line of making laughter for others and lending a hand to
+bring merriment to my aid. The frost of years is beginning to lay its
+mark already on my once fiery locks, and the time is drawing near when I
+will have to make my final exit and quit work; and when a man stops
+working nature is finished with him, and when nature is through with him
+it is pretty near time to go. Well, so be it. In years long gone by I
+came across a little poem which I carried about with me months and
+months, in the war campaign of the sixties, for, friends, I served my
+time as a drummer boy with the old Army of the Potomac. Well, this is a
+little gem, at least, I thought it so then. I think it so now. It was
+written by a woman. It is said it was the last she ever wrote. I read it
+and read it until I committed it to memory. 'Tis short, very short. If
+you wish to hear it, I'll recite it for you now. Yes?
+
+    "Life! we've been long together
+    Through pleasant and through cloudy weather;
+    'Tis hard to part, when friends are dear,
+    Perhaps 'twill cost a sigh, a tear.
+
+    "Then steal away--give little warning,
+    Choose thine own time,
+    Say not 'Good night,' but in some brighter clime
+    Bid me--'Good morning.'"
+
+
+END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Pirate of Parts, by Richard Neville
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