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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29351-8.txt b/29351-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..572a186 --- /dev/null +++ b/29351-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2329 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, +December 2, 1914, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 2, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 8, 2009 [EBook #29351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147 + + * * * * * + + DECEMBER 2, 1914. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +The KAISER, we hear, has had much pleasure in not bestowing the Iron +Cross on Herr MAXIMILIEN HARDEN, the editor of _Zukunft_, who, in a +recent article, suggested that the Germans should give up the pretence +that they did not begin the War. + + * * * + +Mr. CECIL CHISHOLM, in his biography of our Commander-in-Chief, draws +attention to the fact that both Sir JOHN FRENCH and General JOFFRE are +square men. This, no doubt, accounts for the difficulty the enemy has in +getting round them. + + * * * + +The author also mentions that the subject of his biography is known as +"Lucky French," though few persons understand the full appropriateness +of the epithet. It was Sir JOHN LUCK who first gave him a chance of +distinguishing himself. + + * * * + +"Before Christmas," says a German journal, "Londoners will have become +familiar with the spectacle of seeing their public buildings guarded by +German blue-jackets." This, of course, must refer to the interior of our +prisons. + + * * * + +We hear that as a result of the raid by British airmen on the Zeppelin +base at Friedrichshaven, the place has now been placarded with notices +announcing that foreign aeroplanes are _verboten_ there. + + * * * + +It is announced that the proposal at Lewisham to change the name of +Berlin Road has been rejected by the residents. This is unfortunate, as +the only effect can be to put fresh heart into the Germans. + + * * * + +The Russians having objected to being called a steam roller, the London +and North Western Railway have tactfully taken their fast engine +"Teutonic" and re-christened her "The Tsar." + + * * * + +The Russians succeeded, a few days ago, in catching the _Goeben_ +napping. Apparently the motto of the Turkisch Navy is "Let lying dogs +sleep." + + * * * + +A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ suggests that cats, with their +marvellous homing instincts, might be used for the carriage of messages +in the same way as pigeons. Not quite in the same way, perhaps; though +cases of flying cats have occurred. We know one, for instance, that flew +at a dog only the other day. + + * * * + +"EYE-WITNESS" has remarked that the Germans in France are now equipped +with a gun which is quite silent. As a result of this statement a number +of men who had hitherto held back as being subject to headaches are now +rushing to enlist. + + * * * + +The advertisement of a new rifle gallery in Dublin runs as +follows:--"Learn to shoot at the Dublin Rifle School. The object is to +teach every man to shoot irrespective of political views." The old order +changeth. Formerly, no doubt, the rifles were sighted in one way for +Unionists and in another for Nationalists. + + * * * + +The watchmaking industry in Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland, has, it is +stated, already suffered a loss of £700,000 since the outbreak of the +war. This is attributed entirely to the competition of the Watch on the +Rhine. + + * * * + +With reference again to the Silent Guns which the Germans claim to have +invented, it is only fair to point out that, before they were heard of, +English artillery-men had silenced many of the noisy ones. + + * * * + + "FREE PASSES AND OVER-CROWNING." + +_Evening Standard._ + +There was some excuse for this misprint, for the offence complained of +took place at the Coronation Picture Palace. + + * * * + +CAUTION.--The members of the Old Boys Corps simply hate being called +"Old B.C.s." + + * * * * * + +Plucky little Wales again! Russia may have her Przemysl, but it +transpired in certain police-court proceedings last week that Glamorgan +has her Ynysybwl. We would suggest that the competition should now stop. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant._ "WANT TO JOIN THE CAVALRY, DO YOU? +KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HORSES?" + +_Applicant._ "WOT--ME? THREE WINNERS AND A SECOND YESTERDAY! LUMME, +GUV'NOR! WOT DO YOU THINK?" + + * * * * * + +THE RECRUITING PROBLEM SOLVED. + +The recruiting problem would surely be solved easily if Lord KITCHENER +would send for _Captain Desmond, V.C._, and his legions from Lahore. It +will be remembered that in a polo tournament at that military station +_Captain Desmond_ and his team reached the final after "they had fought +their way, inch by inch, through eight-and-twenty matches." (Ch. XVI., +_Captain Desmond, V.C._, by MAUD DIVER.) If we generously assume that +the hero's team played in the only tie in the first round the rest being +byes--we arrive at the result that there were 268,435,457 teams or +1,073,741,828 men playing. Might not just a small percentage of these, +if brought over to France, decide the issue at once in favour of the +Allies? Some of the four or five billion ponies might also be utilised +for remounts and for transport. Nor should the committee which +successfully managed this tournament be lost sight of. They showed a +power of organisation which could scarcely fail to be of use now at the +War Office. + + * * * * * + + "Rosa pulled off her hat as she spoke, throwing it carelessly on the + bed, and she laughed nosily."--_Ottawa Citizen._ + +This is generally supposed to be an American habit. + + * * * * * + +A censored letter from a correspondent at the Front tells us that the +most popular song with our Troops is the following:-- + + "It's a long way to ----, + It's a long way to go; + It's a long way to ----, + To the sweetest ---- I know, + Goodbye ----, farewell ----; + It's a long, long way to ---- + But my heart's right ----." + +It will be interesting to hear further details as soon as they can be +divulged without giving the position away to the Enemy. + + * * * * * + +TO THE NEUTRAL NATIONS. + + If you elect to stay outside + And run no risk, on shore or sea, + Where men for all men's sake have died + In this the War of Liberty + (The same whose figure points the pilot's way, + Larger than life, in New York Bay);-- + + If you prefer to fold your hands + And watch us, at your guarded ease, + Straining our strength to sweep the lands + Clean of a deadly foul disease, + Which must, unless our courage find a cure, + Fall on your children, swift and sure;-- + + Stay out by all means; none shall ask + The help that your free will declined; + We'll bear as best we may the task + That duty's call to us assigned; + And you shall reap, ungrudged, in happier years + The harvest of our blood and tears. + + Only--when this long fight is done, + And, breathing Freedom's purer air, + You share the vantage we have won-- + Think not the honour, too, to share; + The honour shall be theirs and theirs alone + By whom the thrall was overthrown. + + Meanwhile a boon: if not your swords, + Give us your sympathy at need; + Show us the friendship which affords + At least to let its pockets bleed; + And get your tradesmen kindly to forgo + Their traffic with a common foe. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +HISTORY'S REPETITIONS. + + [_It may be interesting to compare modern war items with some which + have been culled from our own contemporary records of the past._] + +From _The Early British Weekly, circ._ 50 B.C.:-- + +The Chief Druid's Fund to provide woad for our gallant troops at the +Front continues to progress. + +Tried yesterday for flint-and-steel signalling to the enemy, a Roman spy +was convicted and axed. + +News from Rome continues to show that the capital of the enemy is +growing very uneasy. A force of special lictors has been enrolled to +keep order in the event of a popular rising. + +An account of the fighting by an Eye-Witness with the Headquarters of +CASSIVELAUNUS appears on another page. + +From _The Saxon Chronicle_, 878 A.D.:-- + +KING ALFRED has given his patronage to a scheme for sending comforts to +our troops in the trenches. Contributions are already pouring in, and it +is said that the KING was particularly touched by a gift of +confectionery from the wife of a humble neatherd. + +From _The Saxon Standard_, 1065 A.D.:-- + +The Norman Lie Factory continues to try to frighten us by means of +invasion stories. The latest tale of terror is to the effect that a +great army is to be landed at Hastings before we know where we are. We +are to be crushed under the mailed fist of Normandy. The General Staff +of KING HAROLD can, we think, be trusted to deal with such +dangers--_when_ they come. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +NO. IX. + +(_From General VON BERNHARDI._) + +ALL-HIGHEST WAR LORD,--To have received from you a letter written in +your own gracious and weapon-bearing hand is an honourable privilege, +under the weight of which many a General might have felt his knees +tremble, and I confess that I too, though used to your Majesty's +kindnesses, have not been unmoved. + +Your Majesty asks me what I now think of this war of mine--I quote your +words--and goes on to insinuate that in some measure the humble books +that I have from time to time written, and the conversations I have held +with your supreme self and with others, are responsible for what is now +taking place in France, Flanders, and the Eastern seat of war. This +insinuation I must with all my strength repudiate. It is true that I +have been an advocate of war. For the Germans it was necessary that war +should be the object of their policy in order that when the hour struck +they might be able to attack their foes under the most favourable +conditions and conquer them in the shortest possible time. But in saying +this I made myself merely the echo of your Majesty's speeches and the +faithful interpreter of your august mind. When you in words of matchless +eloquence spoke of the mailed fist and bade your recruits shoot their +parents rather than disobey their Kaiser, a humble General like myself +could not go far wrong if he supposed that the thought of war was +constantly in your Imperial mind. No other nation, I knew, had the +purpose of attacking us, and I assumed therefore that if we were to gain +the world-power at which we aimed we must be ready to attack other +nations. Everything, however depended on the conditions and the moment. + +As for a war begun, as this war was begun, in a sudden fit of temper, I +must use frankness with your Majesty and say that I never contemplated +it. War against France--yes; and war against Russia, if needs must be, +though even then I deny that we ought to have made ourselves the mere +instrument of Austrian ambitions and allowed ourselves to be dragged +into danger for the _beaux yeux_ of the Ballplatz. But to manage things +so ill as to make it certain that England must declare against us and +that Italy must refuse to help us--this, indeed, was the master-stroke +of stupidity. Your Majesty will, no doubt, say that this was the fault +of BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and VON JAGOW, but I am not sure that you yourself +must not share with them the responsibility, for it was you who lost +your head and gave the final word--which, of course, no one else could +have given. You could have spared Belgium and kept England out of the +war, so as to deal with her alone at a later date, but you took the bit +between your autocratic teeth, and, alas, there was nobody who could +stop you. + +I say again, this is not my war. I never imagined it or planned it in +this way, and I decline to be made responsible for it. I wanted a war +that might be quickly prosperous and as safe for Germany as any war can +be--a war of which we might keep the management in our own hands with +great profit to ourselves. But now, though only four months have passed, +we have lost the reins and Fate has taken them up and is directing the +course of things. When that happens anything may happen. It is useless, +therefore, to turn round and make accusations which are not founded in +reason. My system was a good one and is still good, but it cannot now be +used. There is nothing for it now except to continue hammering with our +heads against a stone wall, which is not an agreeable occupation even +when the heads are German. + + Your Majesty's faithful subject, + + VON BERNHARDI. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: MEN OF FEW WORDS. + +GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS. "ÇA MARCHE?" + +GENERAL JOFFRE. "ASSEZ BIEN. ET CHEZ VOUS?" + +GRAND DUKE. "PAS MAL." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_Small Visitor._ "AND HOW IS YOUR MOTHER, PENELOPE?" + +_Penelope._ "THANK YOU, POOR MUMMIE'S A BIT BELOW HERSELF THIS +MORNING--WHAT WITH THE COOK AND THE KAISER." + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +VIII. + +Dear Charles,--We have got a move on at last. We don't know where we are +going or why we are going or even if we are really going at all. It may +be that we are on our way to the Continent; it may be that we are on our +way to the coast to assume the defensive; it may be that the authorities +are pulling our legs and are watching from behind the hedges _en route_ +to see how we take it. We march on till we are told to stop. We stop +till we are told to march on. + +I was, as you know, in London on Sunday. Having had a trying week I +sought a change of air to recuperate my health, I also sought to recover +my self-respect by being saluted in my native parks. Full of the good +things of this world I returned in the evening to ---- + +[_Censor._ Now then, don't you give it away. + +_Myself._ But, dash it all, he knows where I'd come from. + +_Censor._ That may be, but it's not to get about where you are. + +_Myself._ But I'm not there now. I'm at---- + +_Censor._ H'sh.] + +I got to my little nest (anonymous) at 10.30 P.M. and found the +following among other orders awaiting me: "Company Officers will hold +their companies in readiness to move at short notice." "Will they?" I +asked, and leapt lightly into my bed; never a wise thing to do when your +bed consists of a stick or two and a bit of canvas ... I was collecting +myself on the floor when a corporal came in, wearing that significant, +nay sinister, look which corporals assume when they bring messages from +orderly room. Having cursed him roundly for the collapse of my bed (in +military life you may curse anybody for anything, provided he is an +inferior) I told him to proceed and let me know the worst. "We move at 8 +A.M., Sir," said he. "And what is it now?" I asked. "11.5 P.M., Sir," +said he. "Then," said I, "I have under nine hours to pack up all my +goods, dividing them into those which I shall carry myself on my +for-light-articles-only back, those which the transport will carry and +those which I shall leave here for Providence to send home; to inspect +my half-company, its feet, its rifles, its packs, its kit-bags and the +thousand-and-one other things which are its; to feed my men and myself +and gather together a day's ration for both of us and to attend to all +those little odds and ends which will inevitably crop up when one is +about to leave one's headquarters and never see them again. All this +must be done by 8 A.M. you say?" "The battalion will march to the +rendezvous at 7.15, Sir," said he. "Reveillé 5.30, breakfast at 6.30, +and sick parade at 6.45," he concluded, adding, with sarcasm more +effective than any of my own, "Good night, Sir." + +I went straight to sleep. What else could I do? Obviously the suggested +programme was impossible of completion in the time allotted; why then +attempt it? I decided to obey orders: to reveillé at 5.30, breakfast at +6.30, and then to start getting ready and continue doing so till called +for. If the worst came to the worst, I should become a sick man and +parade accordingly. It struck me as I dozed off that in civil life the +very last thing an invalid would attempt would be to parade. + +In supposing that I should at least be thorough about my sleep, I +reckoned without my old though not always welcome friend, Banner. His +view is that when a crisis arrives it is up to the people involved to be +at least busy, if not worse. To him commotion is essential, and he has +always distrusted our adjutant because the only thing he did on +receiving telegraph orders to mobilize was to send out an orderly for a +hundred cigarettes and a _Daily Mirror_. When Lieutenant Banner receives +orders he at once puts his cap on, pushes it to the back of his head and +passes a weary hand across a worried brow. When he has confused himself +to the top of his bent he searches round for other victims. On this +Sunday night ill luck directed his footsteps to my billet; seeing me in +bed, he became positively aghast, though I firmly believe he was +inwardly delighted to discover so depressing a sight. + +You may imagine the colloquy that ensued; how he repeated to me, with a +nice sense of climax, the news which I had already received from the +corporal. "It is impossible to do it," said he. "Quite," said I, turning +on my other side. "But good heavens, man, you're not going to _sleep_?" +he asked. "I'm going to have a try," I told him. The result of the +business was that Banner eventually did all my packing for me, feeling, +no doubt, that I should be left behind if he didn't. Of course he was +left behind himself. Really, I suppose, I ought to be very grateful to +the dear old fellow; but I have the feeling that, if he had stayed away, +I should have had my sleep and every thing would have arranged itself in +the meantime, and would have arranged itself _rightly_. + +We marched forth at break of day from that town where we have been +stationed the last three months, and it shows how unavailing are these +precautions for secrecy when I tell you that the local tailor was up and +about before dawn collecting his unpaid accounts notwithstanding. Since +then we have slept in hay-lofts, and sometimes in eligible villas, +knowing the dignity and pleasure of the white sheet again. Our +willy-nilly hosts are all firmly convinced that we want conversation +confined to the more gruesome experiences of their friends and relations +who have got mixed up in this war, but otherwise they are kindness +itself. At the house I at present inhabit it is found absolutely +essential that the father and the mother, three daughters, two +maidservants, the nurse, and even, I believe, the infant son, should +rise from their beds at 5 o'clock when reveillé is, at the whim of the +G.O.C., put at that unforgivable hour. It is only myself who may lie +a-bed till six! + +Well, Charles, I'll let you know in due course what becomes of me, that +is if I ever know myself. I see little more of the business than the +backs of the files marching ahead of me, and even if I discover the +names of our resting-places I have generally forgotten them in the haste +of our departure. I met a man who had returned from the Continent itself +and I asked him where he had been and how he got his wound. He admitted +frankly that he didn't know; in fact, he said, he'd been back in England +for three weeks now and no one had ever let him know whether he had been +at the front or not. If they don't inform you as to your present or your +past, how can you expect to be informed as to your future? Thus I may at +this moment be marching forward to Belgium, or I may be merely moving to +another home station, or it may all be a test of my power and +organization and I may be making a wide circle which will bring me back +one fine morning to my original starting-place, Tiddilyumpton. + +Drop it all, a soldier ought to be told whether he is going to war or +not. It would make it so much easier to know what attitude to adopt to +the schoolchildren who cheer him as he marches past. + + Yours, + + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Victor_ (_after being admonished for un-scoutlike +behaviour_). "WELL, YOU MAY SAY WHAT YOU LIKE, SIR, BUT I CONSIDER IT +DISTINCTLY SUBVERSIVE OF DISCIPLINE FOR AN ORDINARY PRIVATE TO CALL HIS +PATROL-LEADER 'TOFFEE-NOSE.'" + + * * * * * + + "In its issue of 22nd instant our estimable contemporary, 'La Patria + degli Italiani,' published a magnificent translation of the latest + poem of Rudyard Kipling: 'Rule Britannia.'"--_Buenos Aires + Standard._ + +Wait till you read ROBERT BRIDGES' new work, "God Save the King." + + * * * * * + +WAR MEMENTOES. + +A thoughtful and far-reaching suggestion toward the better regulation of +the currency has been made by a Mr. JAMES INNES C. ROGER. He writes to +the Press in the following terms:--"It has lately struck me that a +silver 10_s._ piece might be introduced during the war instead of (or in +addition to) the paper notes now current. Although these might be +objected to on the ground of size and weight, they would be interesting +as a memento of the great war, especially if the obverse side bore, say, +a representation of the British Fleet in action." + +It seems to us that this would provide a delightful little game for the +Government, which probably has not much else to do at present, and we do +not see how the proposed coins could possibly be objected to on the +grounds mentioned above. On the contrary they would be most useful in a +variety of ways in which the sixpence and threepenny bit are of no +service whatever. In thoroughly honest households they could be employed +as letter-weights or for practising the discus-throw for the next +Olympic Games (if any), or for keeping open a swing door while a +tea-tray is carried through. We hope the idea will be vigorously +followed up. A 15/-piece representing the British Army crossing the +Aisne River under fire would be certain to be popular, as also would a +17/6 piece showing the arrival of the Indian Troops at Marseilles. + +Something, too, might be done with our stamps. Concrete gun emplacements +would look very well on the five-shilling stamp, and the desired effect +of secrecy could be obtained by printing them on the back; while we +would suggest for the penny stamp a design of a muffler or a mitten with +crossed knitting needles in each corner. At the same time an important +step could be taken toward popularizing the postal order, by printing on +the obverse side of it in red the whole of the first verse of "It's a +long way to Tipperary." + +We only throw out these suggestions for what they are worth. Like Mr. +ROGER himself our sole idea is to contribute something really useful to +the pregnant deliberations of the hour. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer_ (_commanding skirmishing party_). "VERY SORRY +TO PUT YOU OFF YOUR GAME, SIR; BUT WE HAD TO COME ACROSS HERE." + +_Golfer._ "DON'T MENTION IT, SIR. IT MAKES ME FEEL I'VE DONE MY BIT." + + * * * * * + +BOOK TRADE GOSSIP. + + (_The following communication has been submitted to our own Special + Censor, who takes the responsibility of contradicting it in every + particular. Subject to this, he has no objection to publication._) + +Paternoster Row. + +In spite of the drastic regulations against dealing with the enemy it is +to be feared that books from British publishing houses continue to find +their way into German hands. During the early days of the invasion of +Belgium an unprecedented demand for _How to Collect Old Furniture_ arose +in neutral countries, accompanied by enquiries for similar works dealing +with silver plate, pictures and bijoutry. Suspicion respecting the +ultimate destination of these books is strengthened by the fact that of +late the demand has given place to urgent requests for stilts, +wading-boots, and "water-wings"--a class of goods in which Paternoster +Row is not keenly interested. + + * * * + +The esteemed _Berliner Tageblatt_ has recently set itself to discover +the most suitable reading for civilians during the war. One of its +correspondents recommends _Gulliver's Travels_, "in order to learn to +know the English." That weighty point may therefore be regarded as +finally settled. Meanwhile from other sources no less authentic some +interesting particulars have come to light of the literary relaxations +prevailing among our enemy in the field. From these it would appear that +early in September General VON KLUCK received, apparently from an +anonymous admirer, a copy of _The Mysteries of Paris_, in which he has +been thoughtfully absorbed ever since. His Imperial master's +pocket-companion takes the form of a copy of Mr. FRANK RICHARDSON'S +_There and Back_, which we learn is already beginning to show signs of +hard wear. Many of the gunners stationed about French and Belgian +cathedral cities are reported as being seriously interested in MAX +MÜLLER'S _Chips from a German Workshop_, while Mr. H. G. WELLS' _Twelve +Stories and a Dream_ has become almost a book of reference to the +officials disseminating German wireless news. + + * * * + +A work of timely importance, especially to Londoners during the present +lighting regulations, is promised in the course of the next few weeks. +The novelty is to take the form of a brochure from the pen of Dean INGE, +and will court popularity under the arresting title, _How to be Cheerful +though Gloomy_. + + * * * * * + +THE ARCHBISHOP'S APOLOGIA. + + ["I resent exceedingly the gross and vulgar way in which the German + Emperor has been treated in the newspapers.... I have a personal + memory of the Emperor very sacred to me."--_The Archbishop of + York._] + + HIS GRACE OF YORK maintains the KAISER'S + Merely the dupe of bad advisers, + And, simply to avoid a fuss, + Reluctantly made war on us. + + One marvels what his Grace will say + When, peradventure, some fine day, + Thanks to his German friend, he hears + York Minster crashing round his ears! + + * * * * * + +FORESIGHT. + + "It was stated in Dover last night that an aircraft was seen over + Dungeness this evening."--_Central News._ + + "The Press Bureau, while permitting publication, cannot vouch for the + accuracy of this statement."--_Cardiff Evening Express._ + +No wonder! + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF LIGHT. + +As soon as Celia had got a chequebook of her own (and I had explained +the mysteries of "---- & Co." to her), she looked round for a safe +investment of her balance, which amounted to several pounds. My offers, +first of an old stocking and afterwards of mines, mortgages and aerated +breads, were rejected at once. + +"I'll leave a little in the bank in case of accidents," she said, "and +the rest must go somewhere absolutely safe and earn me five per cent. +Otherwise they shan't have it." + +We did what we could for her; we offered the money to archdeacons and +other men of pronounced probity; and finally we invested it in the +Blanktown Electric Light Company. Blanktown is not its real name, of +course; but I do not like to let out any information which may be of +value to Celia's enemies--the wicked ones who are trying to snatch her +little fortune from her. The world, we feel, is a dangerous place for a +young woman with money. + +"Can't I _possibly_ lose it now?" she asked. + +"Only in two ways," I said. "Blanktown might disappear in the night, or +the inhabitants might give up using electric light." + +It seemed safe enough. At the same time we watched the newspapers +anxiously for details of the latest inventions; and anybody who happened +to mention when dining with us that he was experimenting with a new and +powerful illuminant was handed his hat at once. + +You have Blanktown, then, as the depository of Celia's fortune. Now it +comes on the scene in another guise. I made the announcement with some +pride at breakfast yesterday. + +"My dear," I said, "I have been asked to deliver a lecture." + +"What ever on?" asked Celia. + +"Anything I like. The last person lectured on 'The Minor Satellites of +Jupiter,' and the one who comes after me is doing 'The Architecture of +the Byzantine Period,' so I can take something in between." + +"Like 'Frostbites,'" said Celia helpfully. "But I don't quite +understand. Where is it, and why?" + +"The Blanktown Literary and Philosophical Society ask me to lecture to +them at Blanktown. The man who was coming is ill." + +"But why _you_ particularly?" + +"One comes down to me in the end," I said modestly. + +"I expect it's because of my electric lights. Do they give you any money +for it?" + +"They ask me to name my fee." + +"Then say a thousand pounds, and lecture on the need for more electric +light. Fancy if I got six per cent.!" + +"This is a very sordid conversation," I said. "If I agree to lecture +at all, it will be simply because I feel that I have a message to +deliver ... I will now retire into the library and consider what that +message is to be." + +I placed the _Encyclopædia_ handy and sat down at my desk. I had already +grasped the fact that the title of my discourse was the important thing. +In the list of the Society's lectures sent to me there was hardly one +whose title did not impress the imagination in advance. I must be +equally impressive.... + +After a little thought I began to write. + +"WASPS AND THEIR YOUNG. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th._ + +"Ladies and Gentlemen----" + +"Well," said Celia, drifting in, "how's it going?" + +I showed her how far I had got. + +"I thought you always began, 'My Lord Mayor, Ladies and Gentlemen,'" she +said. + +"Only if the Lord Mayor's there." + +"But how will you know?" + +"Yes, that's rather awkward. I shall have to ask the Secretary +beforehand." + +I began again. + +"WASPS AND THEIR YOUNG. + +"_Lecture delivered, etc._ ... + +"My Lord Mayor, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen----" + +It looked much better. + +"What about Baronets?" said Celia. "There's sure to be lots." + +"Yes, this is going to be difficult. I shall have to have a long talk +with the Secretary.... How's this?--'My Lord Mayor, Lords, Baronets, +Ladies and Gentlemen and Sundries.' That's got in everybody." + +"That's all right. And I wanted to ask you: Have you got any lantern +slides?" + +"They're not necessary." + +"But they're much more fun. Perhaps they'll have some old ones of +Vesuvius you can work in. Well, goodbye." And she drifted out. + +I went on thinking. + +"No," I said to myself, "I'm on the wrong tack." So I began again:-- + +"SOME YORKSHIRE POT-HOLES. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th._ + +"My Lord Mayor, my Lords----" + +"I don't want to interrupt," said Celia coming in suddenly, "but--oh, +what's a pot-hole?" + +"A curious underground cavern sometimes found in the North." + +"Aren't caverns always underground? But you're busy. Will you be in for +lunch?" + +"I shall be writing my lecture all day," I said busily. + +At lunch I decided to have a little financial talk with Celia. + +"What I feel is this," I said. "At most I can ask ten guineas for my +lecture. Now my expenses all the way to the North, with a night at an +hotel, will be at least five pounds." + +"Five-pounds-ten profit," said Celia. "Not bad." + +"Ah, but wait. I have never spoken in public before. In an immense hall, +whose acoustics----" + +"Who are they?" + +"Well, never mind. What I mean is that I shall want some elocution +lessons. Say five, at a guinea each." + +"That still leaves five shillings." + +"If only it left that, it might be worth it. But there's the new white +waistcoat. An audience soon gets tired of a lecture, and then there's +nothing for the wakeful ones to concentrate on but the white waistcoat +of the lecturer. It must be of a virgin whiteness. Say thirty-five +shillings. So I lose thirty shillings by it. Can I afford so much?" + +"But you gain the acoustics and the waistcoat." + +"True. Of course, if you insist----" + +"Oh, you _must_," said Celia. + +So I returned to the library. By tea-time I had got as far as this:-- + +"ADVENTURES WITH A CAMERA IN SOMALILAND. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philo---- _" + +And then I had an idea. This time a brilliant one. + +"Celia," I said at tea, "I have been wondering whether I ought to take +advantage of your generosity." + +"What generosity?" + +"In letting me deliver this lecture." + +"It isn't generosity, it's swank. I want to be able to tell everybody." + +"Ah, but the sacrifices you are making." + +"Am I?" said Celia, with interest. + +"Of course you are. Consider. I ask a fee of ten guineas. They cannot +possibly charge more than a shilling a head to listen to me. It would be +robbery. So that if there is to be a profit at all, as presumably they +anticipate, I shall have a gate of at least two hundred and fifty." + +"I should _hope_ so." + +"Two hundred and fifty. And what does that mean? It means that at +seven-thirty o'clock on the night of December the 8th two hundred and +fifty residents of Blanktown will _turn out the electric lights in their +drawing-rooms_ ... PERHAPS EVEN IN THEIR HALLS ... and proceed to the +lecture-room. True, the lecture-room will be lit up--a small +compensation--but not for long. When the slides of Vesuvius are thrown +upon the screen----" + +Celia was going pale. + +"But if it's not you," she faltered, "it will be somebody else." + +"No; if I refuse, it will be too late then to get a substitute. Besides +they must have tried everybody else before they got down to me.... +Celia, already the Zeppelin scare has shaken your stock severely; this +will be the final blow. It is noble of you to sacrifice----" + +"Don't go!" she cried in anguish. + +I gave a deep sigh. + +"For your sake," I said, "I won't." + +So that settles it. If my lecture on "First Principles in Homeopathy" is +ever to be delivered, it must be delivered elsewhere. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: HERO-WORSHIP. + +_Slightly soiled Urchin_, "PLEASE, MR. GENERAL, IF YER WOULDN'T MIND +BENDIN' DAHN A BIT, ME AN' EMMA'D LIKE TO GIVE YER A KISS." + + * * * * * + +À LA RUSSE. + +Every November, just as I am beginning to look sadly down the long vista +of apple--apple-tart, apple-pudding, stewed apple and custard, +apple-charlotte and apple-dumpling--that stretches all the way from now +to rhubarb, come cranberries. + +I had forgotten them, as I do every year, and the pinky-red that tinged +the knife yesterday, as soon as it entered what I feared was an +apple-tart, ran right up my arm and spread in a glow to my face. _Dear_ +cranberries! + +And doubly dear just now. How _did_ you manage it? All the way from +Archangel, was it--threading your way through mines and submarines, and +not a keg broken, not a cranberry exploded? Thank you, JELLICOE. + +Or are you a Southern Slav, a Crim-Tartar? And did you dare the +Dardanelles, give the _Goeben_ the slip, and disappoint the German +ganders of their sauce? Artful ally! + +Where is your home, bright berry? What are your habits? Do you push +through the snow on the steppes? Do you flower in the first thaw of +spring, set in full summer and ripen when the snow falls again? I think +so; you have the savour of snow. I hope so; I picture the snowfields +stained with your blood when you burst. + +We've known too little of you, but we shall want to know more now. The +Vicar _said_ the war would do good in more ways than one. _It does it +now_; it sets me thinking. + +Learning, too. My landlady, for whom I had composed a simple +object-lesson on the value of a strong Navy, pricked all my bubbles +with, "Russian, Sir? Did you say Russian? I wouldn't have a bit o' +foreign fruit in the house. Them berries was picked in my sister's +garden on the moors." + + "Helmets galore strew the fields. Rifles, motor lorries, and field + kitchens are common finds. Some day they will be collected, + and--such is the scandalous heartlessness of mankind--distributed as + souvenirs of the great Armageddon of 1914."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +In case anybody wishes to bring us home a souvenir, we are keeping a +little place on our writing-desk for a field-kitchen. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Vicar_ (_his mind full of the recruiting posters_). +"WILT THOU TAKE THIS WOMAN TO THY WEDDED WIFE--FOR THREE YEARS OR THE +DURATION OF THE WAR?" + + * * * * * + +PEACE WITH HONOUR. + +(_Being a slight amplification, from another quarter, of the lines +addressed to "Mr. Bernard Jaw" in last week's "Punch."_) + + Oft as I've wondered with a weary sigh + At MR. SHAW'S incorrigible habit + Of always seeing England with an eye + That knows the armour's joint and where to stab it, + And, sometimes taken by his style, + Have half believed his taunts of guile, + But oftener set them down to bile + And eating too much green-stuff, like a rabbit; + + I've dreamed a dream that, when the drums are still + And stern Bellona, from her steel unbodiced, + Regrets the overthrow of KAISER BILL + (Of all strange cranks, excepting one, the oddest), + Disarmament and gentleness + May also come to G. B. S., + And, turned from wrath, he shall confess + Britain in triumph was supremely modest. + + A newer, better Poland shall arise, + And Schleswig-Holstein be extremely perky; + Alsace-Lorraine shall look with loving eyes + To a clear dawn, where now the mists are murky, + And messengers of peace shall stray + On Balkan mounts, and my Aunt May + Has frequently been heard to say + That she intends to give the Belgians Turkey. + + But what of England? Shall she not bestow + Quiet upon the world, and ordered measure, + And take no vantage of the fallen foe + In land (which is but dust) and sordid treasure? + But rather of her kindness yield + The balm whereby hurt wounds are healed, + That couchant in the selfsame field + Lion and lamb may masticate at leisure. + + Let it be written in the terms of peace, + And evermore on brassy tablets graven, + That England shall demand no right nor lease + Of frontier nor of town, nor armoured haven, + But cede with unreluctant paw + To Germans and to German law + The whole of this egregious SHAW, + And only re-annex the BARD OF AVON. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "The commission is also empowered to order the removal of + advertising on existing marquises if it is deemed objectionable." + + _Los Angeles Times._ + +Who are these marquises who are large enough for a really telling poster +on the waistcoat? + + * * * * * + + "Here Colonel Hoffmann remarked: 'We have a feeling of absolute + superiority over the Russians. We must win; we will win.'" + + _Daily Mail._ + +Look out for our new opera, "Fairy Tales of HOFFMANN." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A CHRONIC COMPLAINT. + +AIDE-DE-CAMP. "'THE ENGLISH FORCE, SO PLEASE YOU.'" + +KAISER. "'TAKE THY FACE HENCE.... I AM SICK AT HEART.'" + +(MACBETH, Act V., Sc. 3.) + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 23rd November._--Dull sitting suddenly +stirred to excitement by Apparition in Khaki starting up from below +Gangway on Ministerial Side. It was WEDGEWOOD (_sans_ BENN). Wanted to +know what advice Government are prepared to give civil population as to +how they ought to behave in event of German invasion. + +"Are they," asked the warlike WEDGEWOOD, "to take it lying down and let +the Germans walk over them? or shall they make the best possible stand +for their country?" + +From above Gangway in neighbourhood of LEIF JONES' seat came tremulous +voice exclaiming, "Fight!" + +Thus encouraged, PARLIAMENTARY SECRETARY to War Office, who day by day +grows more martial in figure and manner, pointed out that "the first +duty we [meaning the Army] and the Navy have to perform is to prevent +invasion. That failing, our duty is to drive the invader into the sea as +fast as ever we can." + +Illustration: _Mr. Tennant._ "OUR DUTY IS TO DRIVE THE INVADER INTO THE +SEA." + +As to action of civil population emergency committees are being formed +in counties where there is danger of invasion, and instructions are +being issued by them. What those instructions are TENNANT strategically +declined to disclose. + +After this reassuring statement Consolidated Fund Bill immediately +passed second reading. + +Later fresh protest, led off by Lord BOB and emphasised by BONAR LAW, +against arbitrary conduct of Censor in dealing with the Press. + +"We ought to stick to this till K. caves in," says the MEMBER FOR SARK. +"The Press Bureau has about it stamp of things 'made in Germany.' +Importation of other classes of these goods is prohibited. Let us either +get rid of the Press Bureau or have it remodelled on principles of +common sense, in accord with public feeling and concern for best +interests of the Army." + +_Business done._--Stout bundle of Bills advanced a stage. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--The ways of the Press Censor are past +finding out. + +He worries the British Press day and night. He stands in the way of +recognition of exceptionally gallant deeds on the battle-field by +particular men or regiments. He arbitrarily strikes out passages from +the letters of War Correspondents who, forbidden to approach the +fighting line, laboriously pick up such scraps of information as may +filter through its outskirts. He holds over for days, sometimes for +weeks, official despatches from the Front, for which the Public are +eagerly waiting. Occasionally, by way of exhibiting his desire that not +a moment shall be lost in communicating important information, he, about +midnight, by preference an hour later, dumps down upon hapless +newspapers just going to press the material for whole columns of print. + +This conscientiously and painstakingly done, he permits certain journals +published in Ireland to circulate seditious garbage designed to stop the +flow of recruiting which CARSON and JOHN REDMOND, representatives of +contending national parties, have loyally united in encouraging. + +In the Commons the other night attention of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, head of +this new department, called to notorious matter. Protested that he knew +nothing of these Irish papers. General impression in both Houses that it +is time he made the acquaintance of the particular organs alluded to and +took action accordingly. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SOLICITOR-GENERAL KNOWS NOTHING OF SEDITIOUS IRISH +NEWSPAPERS. + + * * * * * + +MIDLETON to-night in spirited speech asked what the Government proposed +to do? CREWE pleaded that he must have notice of the question. CURZON, +ever ready to oblige, promptly undertook to place one on notice-paper. + +_Business done._--In Commons Budget Bill passed Report stage, CHANCELLOR +smoothing the passage by concessions to the brewers and publicans by way +of easing burden of additional taxation. + +_House of Commons, Wednesday._--For some time there has been rumour, +generally discredited, that Prince ALBERT, son of Prince and Princess +CHRISTIAN, had taken active service with the enemy in struggle with whom +the best blood of the nation is being daily outpoured. To-day YOUNG +asked whether story was true? PREMIER curtly admitted it. + +"Is it considered just and expedient," inquired the Member for +Perthshire, amid ominous cheering, "that the British taxpayer should be +called upon to pay £6,000 a year for the maintenance of a family which +includes this German officer?" + +"The Question," replied the PREMIER, with something less than his +accustomed point in dealing with Supplementary Queries, "relates to a +particular individual." + +House gladly got rid of disagreeable subject. But SARK tells me that, +when in due course the pension comes up in Committee of Supply, more +will be heard of the matter. + +_Business done._--Several War Emergency Bills advanced a stage. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--K. of K. read brief paper on Military +Situation in Flanders. In matter of picturesque detail it did not quite +come up to pitch of "EYE-WITNESS'S" despatches from the Front, which in +the main it resembled. But it was as comforting as it was concise. +Summed up in sentence the position to-day of Expeditionary Force: +"Reinforcements have replaced our casualties, and the troops under Sir +JOHN FRENCH, now re-fitted, are in the best of spirits, confident of +success under their Leader." + +Touched lightly on rout of Germans in Poland with which the world is +ringing; but said nothing about capture of KAISER'S cloak. SARK suggests +that this interesting robe should be put up for sale to highest bidder +(as if it were the First £1 note), proceeds to be contributed to Fund +for Relief of Belgians. This would give opportunity for remarking that +having taken off his coat to devastate the homes of the Belgians, +WILHELM gave them his cloak also. + +Suggestion worth thinking about. Certainly something attractive about it +in way of poetic justice. + +_Business done._--In the Commons UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA gave glowing +account of the gallant deeds of Indian troops fighting in three +continents. + +_Friday._--After heartening speeches by CHANCELLOR and FIRST LORD, +together going to show that "we've got the ships, we've got the men, +we've got the money too," Parliament adjourned till Tuesday, February +2nd, with promise that, if necessary, it can be specially summoned at +any time on six days' notice. + + * * * * * + + "The Germans did not even hesitate to bring up heavy artillery which + quickly became embedded in the mud, some of which has since been + found by our troops." + + _Press Association War Special._ + +From what we hear, our troops have found all the mud they want. + + * * * * * + + "In reply to Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS, Mr. MCKENNA said:--Germans cannot + land in the United Kingdom without the express permission of the + Secretary of State." + +New motto for Great Britain: "MCKENNA and the Navy our shield." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "CANDLES ARE UP IN PRICE TO-DAY, Y'KNOW, +MRS. O'FLYNN--ON ACCOUNT OF THE WAR." + +_Mrs. O'Flynn._ "OCH! BAD CESS TO THEM GERMANS! _WHY CAN'T THEY BE +FIGHTING BY DAYLIGHT_?" + + * * * * * + +A SERVANT OF THE KING. + +"Your King and country need YOU." + +"Lor!" + +Tilda Perkins, her cap awry and a smudge on her diminutive nose, came to +a sudden halt, arrested by the staring blue type. + +"Your King and country need YOU." + +That personal appeal drove straight home. Tilda's heart swelled; a flush +of excitement invaded her cheeks. + +"Bless 'em! They shall 'ave me," she vowed in a fervour of +self-immolation. + +Tightly clutching the newspaper containing her master's breakfast +haddock she scudded off, ablaze with patriotic fire. + +"There 'tis, Ma'am," she gasped breathlessly, plumping down her burden +on the kitchen table. "An' now I'm goin'." + +"Going! Where?" + +"To KING GEORGE, God bless 'im. The poster ses 'e wants me." + +Her mistress shook a regretful head. + +"No, Tilda. It's not you and I he wants." + +Gloom unutterable descended upon Tilda as her mistress expounded the +situation. + +"Men 'as all the luck," she jerked out. "I ain't surprised them +Sufferajettes got sick o' things." + +A pause. + +"Still, I s'pose it ain't KING GEORGE'S fault. I'll 'elp 'im out as well +as I can," she announced. + +It was a resolute Tilda who awaited her swain at the kitchen door that +night. + +"Take off yer shoes," she said abruptly. + +Jem obeyed. + +"'Old up yer 'ead. Don't loll," came the sharp command. + +Jem drew himself up to attention, and Tilda manipulated an inch tape. + +"Sixty-three inches an' a bit. Twelves into sixty go five. Five feet +three an' a scrap. You'll jest do," she said with a complacent nod. + +Jem, motionless, but turning a fine blush-rose under the touch of the +busy fingers, levelled an enquiring gaze at the preoccupied face. + +"I'm giving you to KING GEORGE," remarked Tilda. "I'm sorry you ain't +taller, but he'll understand I've done the best I can for 'im," she +added with a little sigh. + +"But--but--" faltered Jem. + +"There ain't no buts about it," broke in Tilda with swift asperity. +"Think what you'd feel like if you was me." + +"Why, it's you a-sendin' me," protested Jem. "I won't go if you don't +want me to leave yer." + +Tilda flung back her head with an impatient snort at man's obtuseness. + +"You don't s'pose I'm whinin' cos you're goin', do you?" she demanded. + +An abashed Jem diminished perceptibly. + +"Well, why then?" he asked humbly. + +"Cos I can't go, stoopid. It ain't fair." + + * * * * * + +A BENEFACTOR. + + Their blazon flashed across the sky + Or ever the War began; + In divers spots it struck the eye + Of every passing man. + Aloft the flickering words would run, + Curtly commanding me + To use the Soap of Such a One, + Or swallow Someone's Tea. + + But oh, in London's sky to-day + Such legends no man meets, + And, as I go my cautious way + By dark but decent streets, + I think of him who bade depart + These beacons' blatant din, + And almost find it in my heart + To bless Count ZEPPELIN. + + * * * * * + +"FIVE HOLES IN HULL. + + GLASGOW BEING REPAIRED IN RIO DE JANEIRO."--_Star._ + +More news for Germans: "Successful bombardment of British towns." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor._ "FROM WHERE DID YOU RECEIVE +INSTRUCTIONS TO DISMOUNT, SIR?" + +_Raw Recruit._ "FROM HINDQUARTERS, SIR." + + * * * * * + +A SOLDIER'S SERVANT. + +Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am only a dog, but as you have a dog of your own +you will be able to sympathise with me and understand my feelings. If +you don't, ask him and he will explain. + +My master tells me he is going to a place called The Front, and he seems +awfully pleased with the idea. But my mistress is not pleased at all, +though she tries to smile and look happy when he talks about it. All the +same, I have found her several times crying quietly by herself, and have +had to lick her face thoroughly all over in order to cheer her up. + +At first, when my master told me he was going to this mysterious place, +I simply barked and wagged my tail and jumped about, because, of course, +I thought I was going there too, and it doesn't matter to me where he +goes as long as I go with him. Imagine therefore my feelings when it +gradually leaked out that I was to be left behind. When the truth dawned +upon me I was so upset that I lay for a whole day on the doorstep in a +dazed condition, whilst several cats _who knew me well_ came and washed +themselves carefully right under my nose. I hardly saw them, though of +course I couldn't help smelling them. + +You see, _Mr. Punch_, what made me feel so very bad was that I had found +out something about The Front from other dogs. It appears that it is a +very dangerous place, full of what they call Germans, where he would +need _me_ to look after him much more than he does at home. Why then not +take me? I cannot understand it at all. I can fight. Ask the dog at the +house at the corner of our road what he thinks, and just take a look at +his ears. They speak for themselves. + +Then, again, I can hear and smell a great deal better than my master, +and could keep watch while he is asleep (I am told he will have to sleep +in a ditch!), and after one or two sniffs and bites I should soon learn +to tell a German. + +In time of danger the place of every English dog is by his master's +side, and he doesn't mind dying there either. Can't you help us to get +to The Front with our masters? + +Yours faithfully, + +A VERY SAD DOG. + +P.S.--I enclose untouched one of the most delicious bones I have ever +smelt--not necessarily for publication but as a guarantee of good faith. + + * * * * * + +The Men from Blankley's. + + "MATES GIVEN FOR + + Dinner Parties. + Dance Suppers. + Wedding Receptions. + At Homes." + +_Advt. in "Clifton Society._" + +A boon for the harassed hostess. + + * * * * * + +THE OPPORTUNISTS. + + 'Tis a strange portent of the war + That every advertiser + Desires to be indebted for + His income to the KAISER; + At all events + He's got the goods for military gents. + + "_Pypp's Playing-cards_," we learn, "dispel + The longest siege's tedium." + "Tin of Tobacco turns a shell-- + Great feat by _Mascot_ (medium)." + "No ally feels + Hungry or tired who carries _Ponk's Pastilles_." + + "The nicest present you can get + To soothe the soldier's nerve is + Our _Black Maria_ cigarette-- + The best for active service!" + "All haversacks + Should carry lumps of _Entente_ sealing-wax." + + "Ask for our _French equivalent_ + _Of British Oaths_. The French is + More chic. A pretty compliment + To _Piou-Piou_ in the trenches! + A boon untold + To Indian colonels suffering from the cold!" + + * * * * * + + "Both persons have been taken prisoners and sent to Medan, where + they will be fried for having broken Holland's neutrality." + + _Provinciale Groninger Courant._ + +A severe, but perhaps necessary, lesson. + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING DESPATCH. + + [_From William Wheezle, K.G. (Keeper of Game), addressed to our own + Subaltern at the Front, and describing the operations of the Allied + Forces in and round the West Wood and the Middle Planting, November, + 1914._] + +Sir,--I have the honour to report that on Saturday last the Allied +Forces advanced, as soon as they could be got out of bed, in the +direction of the West Wood. The troops under my command, or supposed to +be under my command, were drawn chiefly from the Old Fogey Division. In +addition to the Household Extremely Heavy Infantry, there were two +battalions of the 160th London Potterers (the "Puff Hards"), specially +summoned from Pall Mall to act with us. These battalions, under the +command of Colonel Bowindow, D.S.O., fully maintained the noble +traditions that attach to their name. There were also two regiments of +unmounted cavalry, the 210th (Flannel Feet) and the 306th Purple Lancers +(Buster's Own). These sections declined to co-operate unless provided +with shooting ponies. + +Circumstances unfortunately deprived me of the assistance of other +contingents, such as the Dog-potters, upon which I had in previous years +been able to depend. At Westwood our troops deployed, and a hostile +demonstration on the part of the enemy, signalled by loud von clucks, +kept us thoroughly on the alert. They found our range very quickly, a +good deal more quickly, indeed, than we found theirs; but as they +advanced closer their casualties became more numerous. On the whole the +result of this action was not unsatisfactory. After a short march +through the bracken we occupied a well-chosen position in open country, +our troops availing themselves of such cover as offered, though some of +them took a good deal of concealing. A violent general engagement +ensued, and for some time the firing was continuous. The enemy's losses +were serious, a frontal attack in close formation and at a moderate pace +being attended with great disaster. The Potterers, after taking some +time to bring their guns into action, kept up a constant and, as they +assured me, effective fire. + +Reports having been received that the enemy were holding the Middle +Planting in strength, I decided to manoeuvre in that direction. There +was an affair of outposts in the course of the march, Colonel Bowindow +bravely engaging a strongly entrenched rabbit. There was no actual loss +of life, the rabbit retiring in good order, but its _moral_ is, I +understand, seriously shaken if not completely shattered. It +subsequently succeeded in digging itself deeper in, and took no further +part in the day's operations. + +Before attempting to dislodge the main body of the enemy our forces took +cover in open order under an adjacent hedge. With scarcely any delay +large numbers of the enemy appeared above the top of the wire +entanglements, the rapidity of their movements taking our artillery by +surprise. Our gunners, however, served their pieces with regularity and +determination until the enemy were reported to be in full retreat. Their +casualties were few, chiefly owing to the speed at which their movements +were conducted, and only amounted to one wounded, or said to be. Two +more were alleged to be missing, but have probably by this time rejoined +their regiments. The expenditure of ammunition during this skirmish was +great. + +At the battle of Middle Planting, which followed, the enemy suffered +severely. Our encircling movement was capably carried out and our +high-angle fire was very effective. On our left flank Colonel Buster +found himself at one time almost completely enveloped by hares, but in +this critical situation he handled his guns promptly, and in repulsing +the adversary suffered no loss except that of his temper. That he did +not inflict more damage was, according to his own statement, due to the +fact that the opposing forces, when they saw him preparing to develop +his attack, kept at a prudent distance. During this engagement numerous +wood-taubes were sighted flying over our position, but at such a height +that it was impossible, or appeared to be impossible, to bring them +down. + +Rations were then served out, the commissariat being under the able +direction of Major Domo. The quality of the supplies was satisfactory, +nor was there any real shortage, if I may judge from the report +(received by me after lunch from General Torpor, in temporary command) +that our troops were incapable of advancing, or indeed of any movement +at all. + +Later.--On waking up we made a forced march in the direction of Mudford +Village and occupied a wide front, the considerable spaces between units +rendering our operations less hazardous to each other. A flanking +movement upon the line Stubblefield-Tenacre-Turniptops was attended with +some success, though several entire Army Corps of the enemy succeeded in +extricating themselves without disaster. Nor were we able to come in +touch with them again before darkness set in, and the Allied Forces +retired, highly pleased with themselves, to their base, in the immediate +neighbourhood of Auction Bridge. + + I have the honour to be, Sir, + Your obedient Servant, + WILLIAM WHEEZLE. + + * * * * * + +WAR'S REVENGES. + +(_A True Story._) + + This War has done many wonderful things; + It has altered our views of Kaisers and Kings, + And quite discounted the stern rebukes + Of those who anathematized Grand Dukes. + It has hurled from many a lofty pinnacle + The self-sufficient and the cynical; + And revised the judgments we once held true + In various ways that are strange and new. + For instance, the other day there came + To see me, the same yet not the same, + A former office boy, whom once + I wholly misread as a Cockney dunce, + Who only cared for music-hall tunes-- + And who went and 'listed in the Dragoons. + His khaki was much the worse for wear, + Soiled and crumpled and needing repair, + And he hadn't unlearned since his office days + His gruff laconic turn of phrase. + So I had to drag it out by degrees + That he hadn't been in the lap of ease, + But from Mons to Ypres, out at the Front, + Had helped to bear the battle's brunt. + Rest? Well, they had to do without it; + But he didn't make a song about it. + Last three weeks he'd never been dry; + A sniper had shot him through the thigh; + But his wound had healed, he was right as rain + And anxious to get to the Front again. + So there he stood, erect, serene, + Unshaken by all he had suffered and seen, + And ready once more at his Country's call + To leave his wife, his home, his all. + And I, as I thought of what he had done, + And the arm-chair band (of which I am one), + Elderly scribblers, who can't even drill, + And are only good at driving a quill-- + Humbled and shamed to my inmost core + I wished I could drop clean through the floor. + For the tables were turned; I stood at zero, + And the office boy was a full-blown hero. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Inspector._ "WELL, WHAT'S YOUR LITTLE GRUMBLE?" + +_Constable._ "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT JUST BECAUSE I LOOK A BIT LIKE A +GERMAN ME LIFE 'AS BECOME A BURDEN. PEOPLE SAY, 'I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF +'E WASN'T A SHEEP IN LION'S CLOTHES.'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER MISJUDGED ALIEN. + +Clarence (who pulls the path roller) says there's a Society for the +Maintenance of Horses' Rights. I wish there was one for the Abolition of +Eagles' Wrongs. I am an eagle, the handsomest eagle in the Zoo, and I +sometimes wish I were a sparrow. Moult me, but I've even wished I were +stuffed. And all because the authorities won't change my label. It's +true the notice they've put on my cage telling people to keep their +children from the bars has stopped the young brutes from shooting me +with peas and monkey nuts, but it can't save my feelings, and all +because--but there! this is how my own particular official label runs:-- + + IMPERIAL EAGLE. + SCHODDERSTOGHARDTMEISSEN. DEPOSITED. + +You can imagine the situation. How in the firmament am I to tell the +public that Schodderstoghardtmeissen is a craggy headland on the coast +of Norway, and not in the least associated with Germany or +Austria--places I never heard of till but recently. But ever since the +men in khaki first made their appearance in the Gardens some four months +ago a most extraordinary undercurrent of opprobrious criticism has crept +into the public's conversation, that public once so full of admiration +for my noble bearing--unless it saw me walk; for which reason I don't +come off my pedestal in public hours if I can help it. But now the +mildest visitors seem to hold themselves under a moral obligation to +connect me in some manner with what Clarence calls the "present crisis." + +Sixpenny days are my worst. "_There's_ the German eagle!" says the +crowd. I can't even sit in my water trough without being told I'm +"entrenching" myself. + +Only last chicken's-neck day (we dine alternately on poultry +and--er--the joint) an old lady paused before my quarters and, her head +on one side, murmured musingly: "Yet I always thought the Austrian eagle +had two heads, but perhaps I'm thinking of the unicorn." Half an hour +later a party stopped in front of me, and one of them says: "Them +Jermins didn't deserve a noble-looking bird like 'im to represent 'em, +did they, Hemelie? Something with scales and bat's wings 'ud be more +appropriate, I _don't_ think." "Yes, an' a drunkard's liver," chimes in +another, and then they all laughed. Scr-e-e-e-e-e-ak!! + +Even the regular visitors are no better. The stout old gentleman--an +editor and an F.Z.S., if you please--who used to get Michael, my valet, +to let him see me from the private window, just glares at me over the +top of his newspaper and mutters, "Hah! my fine bird, you're coming off +your perch head-first before many months are over." And the newspaper +cameraman, who used to take my portrait whilst Michael fed me with +tit-bits--last week he caught me warming my spread wings in a little +patch of sunlight. "Just the stuff," he twittered, as he struggled with +his camera. "Great wheeze! Splendid snap for a full-page--'HIS PLACE IN +THE SUN.'" It wasn't my fault if I didn't spoil the photograph. + +The very latest is a rumour that my right wing is likely to be crumpled +up. And the griffin vulture next door, who saw something of the +sanatorium when he swallowed a lighted cigar-end in mistake for a +glow-worm, hopes they'll give me chloroform. It's also whispered that +I'm moulting, but that, I _know_, isn't true. + +Well, I suppose it must all end one day. As it is, I find myself looking +back longingly to the time when to the public I was just an eagle and a +king of birds. I can even remember with toleration the two simple souls +who once perched upon a garden-seat before my apartments. Said one, +"There y' are, M'ria. _There's_ one of them armerdillers young Bert was +tellin' us about." And the other replied: "Why, don't you know no more +nat'ral 'ist'ry than that, Elfrid? _That_ ain't a armadiller; that's a +'ummin'-bird!" + + * * * * * + +TOMMY BROWN, AUCTIONEER. + +Tommy Brown knows all about India. You see his father served out there, +and that is how Tommy knows so much. He says that everybody in India has +to have a bath once a year in the Ganges, and that there is a delta at +the mouth of the Ganges as big as Ireland. + +Tommy says it is very hot in the shade in India, but you needn't walk in +the shade unless you like. He showed me how an idol looked--it is like +when you come to the castor oil under the ginger wine. + +But it is about the Indian troops that I want to tell you. Tommy was +very pleased when they came, because he knows all about them. He likes +the Gherkins best, he says, because they are so hardy. Tommy says the +Gherkins can hold their breath for five minutes without going red in the +face, and that's why they can fight so well. + +He says they never want anything to eat, because they have a kind of a +twig that they chew, and then all they have to do is to keep tightening +their belts. Tommy gave me some of the twig they chew; it tasted like +cabbage. I didn't want anything more to eat all that day. Tommy had some +himself; he says now he doesn't think it was the right kind of twig. +Tommy told me that the Gherkins' mothers teach them to prowl when they +are very young, and that they are always prowling. Tommy showed me how +to prowl. You have to lie flat on your stomach, and wriggle about as if +you were swimming. He says it makes the Gherkins very hardy. They always +do it, Tommy says, even when they have a half-holiday. To do it properly +you have to breathe through the back of your throat and move your ears. + +When the KING went to India, Tommy says he was surprised at the +Gherkins. They used to prowl before him, and he was very glad. He said +they were very hardy. + +Tommy says they are very brave because they don't know what fear is; his +father told him that. He says no one has ever seen a Gherkin blub; if +they have to, they go and do it somewhere else. + +There is only one way you can kill them. Tommy knows the way, but he +daren't tell anyone. + +Tommy says that when they want to kill a man they prowl after him for +five miles, and then come back as silently as they went. He says it is +no good shooting at them, because they are not there. + +He showed me how they killed people. They come up behind you and catch +you round the neck, and it's no good saying, "Shut up," because they +don't understand English; then you make a noise like gargling for sore +throats, and that's how they know you are dead. It makes the people very +angry, Tommy says. + +If they take a dislike to anyone, you are sure to get killed, because +they prowl after you until they do. And when you come to look at the +dead man, you can see he has died a horrible death, and if you turn him +over there isn't a mark on him. You see he didn't hear them coming. +That's what Tommy Brown told me. + +Tommy says a Gherkin once saved his father's life by killing a snake. +Tommy's father gave the Gherkin a lot of money to put in his pocket, but +he wouldn't take it. The Gherkins don't have pockets, Tommy says. + +Tommy says, that if two Germans stood back to back to see who was the +taller, a Gherkin could cut through both of them with his two-handled +knife, and it would be done so quickly that neither of the Germans would +know which was killed first. They do it by practice, Tommy told me. They +always use two-handled knives, so that when they are tired with using +one handle they can use the other. + +You can never catch a Gherkin because on the slightest movement in the +bushes they throw a rope up into the air and climb up it, then they pull +the rope up after them. + +Tommy says that Gherkins wear turbots on their heads. He says that they +wear very few clothes, but they don't catch rheumatism because it is not +known there. + +When Tommy's mother told him that people were sending presents to the +Indian troops we had a meeting about it. We dug a deep trench in Tommy's +garden and held the meeting there; Tommy didn't want the Germans to +know. + +When we had dug the trench Tommy stood at one end, and I had to come up +to him and give him the sign we had arranged. You had to move your ears +and say "Gherkin," then you were admitted to the trench. It was because +of the German spies. + +We decided to get money for the Indian troops by selling Tommy's white +rats, and I was to lend Tommy my Jew's harp for a week as my share. + +Tommy sold the white rats in the playground after school. He stood on a +box near the fence. The man who lives next door thought Tommy was going +to climb over into his garden after a ball, and he said to Tommy, "My +steemy friend, you stay where you are." + +Tommy took no notice because his mother said the man had been to India +and brought back his liver and Tommy wasn't to listen. + +I bid fourpence for the two white rats; we had arranged that in the +trench. + +Tommy Brown said with lots of scorn, "Fourpence!!"--just like that. Then +he said the money was to go to buy things for the Indian troops, and +what would they think of fourpence? Old Jones minimus said sixpence when +he got his pocket-money on Saturday; then the Head came out to see what +the row was about. When Tommy Brown told him all about it, the Head bid +half-a-crown in a loud voice. We cheered, and just then the man who +lives next door and who brought his liver home from India shouted out +five shillings. Then the Headmaster said ten shillings. Tommy Brown had +to clutch hold of the rails. The man who lives next door went red in the +neck and bid a sovereign. Jones minimus began to blub when the Head bid +two pounds. + +The man who had been to India said: "My steemy Sir, it is no use; I bid +four pounds." I could see old Tommy Brown moving his ears like anything. +The Headmaster said: "The Gurkhas are some of the finest troops in the +world"--he meant Gherkins, but he was excited; then he said: "Five +Pounds, Tommy White, for the brown rats." The man who likes liver said +something we haven't got to listen to, and then Tommy fell off the box. + +"Knocked down at six pounds!" said the Headmaster, laughing; "we will +have one each." They both gave Tommy Brown three pounds and then shook +hands over the fence. Tommy says I needn't lend him my Jew's harp now. + + * * * * * + +FAINT PRAISE. + + "The House of Commons was seen at its best to-day. The benches, it + is true, were more than all empty."--_Cork Constitution._ + + * * * * * + +From a letter to a school-teacher:-- + + "I think as Eliza as the mumps. Pleas look at her throte and if she + as rub her jor well to tak away the stif feeling and oblig." + + * * * * * + +From War News in _The Peshawur Daily News_:-- + + "The 'Langford' knocked out the gunboat 'Smith' in three rounds." + +How like a German gunboat (obviously "Schmidt") to disguise itself with +an English name. + + * * * * * + + "MISS JEFFERSON RECALLED IN BREACH SUIT." + + _"Evening News" Headline._ + +Although the defendant in this case was a cycle-dealer, we think that +these sudden changes of costume are liable to lead to confusion and +should, therefore, be forbidden. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer_ (_on rounds near revolving light_). "ANYTHING +TO REPORT?" + +_Sentry._ "NO, SIR; THERE'S NO MUCKLE TA RIPORRT; BUT YON FOLKS HAE BEEN +HAVIN' A HEAP O' TROUBLE WI' THEIR LIGHT: IT'S GONE OOT TWENTY TIMES IN +THE LAST OOR." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +STEVENSON, in one of his Fables, imagines a court presided over by the +Great White Magistrate. It was a very brief session, and the novelist +did not again use the idea. Mr. HUGH CARTON, whose name, we are informed +by the wrapper of the book, that new and most trustworthy medium of +communication between the candid publisher (unwilling that merit should +shine unobserved) and the hesitating purchaser (who needs only the truth +to send his hand to his purse) is a pseudonym covering the identity of +"one of the leading clerics of our day," has however made a whole book +of it. In _The Grand Assize_ (HEINEMANN) Mr. CARTON imagines a Day of +Judgment, on which the careers and influences of a number of social +types are weighed and punishment inflicted--for all are guilty. The +Plutocrat, the Daughter of Joy, the Bookmaker, the Party Politician, the +Musical Comedy entrepreneur, the Agitator, even the Cleric (although +not, I am sure, he of the wrapper) are called to justice. Everything for +and against them is then said, either by themselves or the advocate, and +sentence is passed. The result is a book curiously rich in sympathy, +fearless and fine, and provocative of much thought. That it is in +essence a tract is nothing against it; for many of the best novels +belong to that genus, and HOGARTH, of whom now and then the reader is +forced to think, was a tractarian to the core. I take off my hat to +"HUGH CARTON" and wish that more parsons were as humane and +understanding as he. + + * * * + +Mr. ALGERNON BLACKWOOD seems as a writer to possess two quite distinct +literary methods. There is his style high-fantastical, which at its best +touches a kind of fairylike inspiration, unique and charming--the style, +for example, of _Jimbo_. Then, on a lower plane, there is the frankly +bogie creepiness of _John Silence_. Between the two he has created a +position for himself, half trickster, half wizard, that none else in +modern literature could fill. His new book, _Incredible Adventures_ +(MACMILLAN), is a combination of both methods. Four of the five +adventures are of the mystically gruesome kind, removed however from +being commonplace ghost-stories by a certain dignity of conception. It +is to be admitted that but for this dignity two at least would fall into +some peril of bathos. Take the first, _The Regeneration of Lord Ernie_, +in which a young tutor, bear-leading a spiritless scion of nobility +through Europe, brings his bored charge to a strange mountain village +where the inhabitants worship the forces of fire and wind. If you know +Mr. BLACKWOOD'S work, as you surely do, I need not detail to you what +happens. Told as he tells it, at considerable, even undue, length, but +with a wonderful sense of the mysterious, of the feeling of the +wind-swept mountain and its roaring fires, the thing is undeniably +impressive. But in other less expert hands it would become ludicrous. +There is one tale of finer texture than the others. It is called +_Wayfarers_, and is a quite beautiful little fantasy on the old theme +that love is longer than life. This is what Mr. BLACKWOOD can do to +perfection. It redeems a volume that, for all its originality, does not +otherwise display his art quite at its best. + + * * * + +_Antarctic Adventure_ (FISHER UNWIN), by RAYMOND E. PRIESTLEY, tells the +story of SCOTT'S Northern party. That party, as you probably remember, +spent an unexpected winter underground, owing to the failure of the ship +to relieve it. Its story was shortly told by its leader, Lieutenant +CAMPBELL, in _Scott's Last Expedition_--the official report of a sailor +to his commanding officer. Mr. PRIESTLEY is more communicative. As one +of the famous six who went through it, he gives us, from his comfortable +rooms in Cambridge, the full tale of that extraordinary adventure. He +had a good angle of observation in the igloo, for it was he who doled +out the eight birthday lumps of sugar and the other few ridiculous +luxuries which relieved the monotony of seal. He was, in fact, the +commissariat officer. How he must have been loved--and hated! To what a +large extent also (one begins to realise) the ultimate safety of the +party must have been due to his management. I recommend to boys and +grown-ups a story as absorbing as _Robinson Crusoe_, and as heartening +to the pride of Englishmen as the other stories which we are hearing now +from places less remote. For boys in particular _The Voyages of Captain +Scott_ (SMITH ELDER) has been written by CHARLES TURLEY, a compilation +excellently made from the original diaries; to which Sir J. M. BARRIE +has written a true BARRIE preface describing the boyhood of SCOTT. I can +think of no better present for a nephew. + + * * * + +_The Woman in the Bazaar_ (CASSELL), by Mrs. PERRIN, is a story of the +Anglo-Indian life in which she always moves at ease. It is _Captain +George Coventry's_ first wife, the golden-haired and "phenomenally" (as +the newspaper-men will go on saying) innocent _Rafella_ of the +high-perched Cotswold vicarage, who eventually finds her deplorable way +down to the Bazaar. If _George_ (that beastly prig) at the psychological +moment of their first serious quarrel, instead of threatening and +laughing like a drunken man and reeling back into the room, had reeled +forward and gone into the matter quietly, the entirely virtuous, if +idiotic, _Rafella_ would not have flown into the practised arms of that +unscrupulous barrister, _Kennard_, who, as everybody knew, had left a +mournful trail of dishonoured wives all over India, his legal knowledge +presumably saving him at once from the inconvenience of marrying his +victims and from the physical violence of outraged Anglo-Indian +chivalry. And when _George_, now a colonel and on the verge of a quarrel +with the second _Mrs. Coventry_ about a young ass of a _tertium quid_, +caught sight of poor _Rafella_ at a window in the Bazaar, he was so +genuinely upset that he rushed back to his wife, forgave her (nothing in +particular) and lived happily ever after. Which, of course, is just one +of those things that thrusts the avenging hatchet into the hand of the +Militant. + + * * * + +I suppose that the "culture" (using this word in the strictly English +sense) of Streatham Hill may perhaps be a trifle thinner than that of +certain other suburbs, and, keeping this well in mind, I must try to +believe that _Candytuft--I mean Veronica_ (HUTCHINSON) is meant for +romantic comedy and is not a one-Act farce hastily expanded by its +author into three-hundred-page fiction form. The plot turns on a not +very serious marital estrangement. _C. I. M. V._ (she had called herself +_Veronica_ suddenly one day after reading RUSKIN) decided that she must +have an intellectual companion and (rather daringly) that he must be of +the male sex. So her husband's best friend dressed himself up as a +fantastic and extremely repulsive-looking poet with a red wig and padded +waistcoat and indulged in fantastic rhodomantades in order to +disillusionise her. Well enough on the knock-about stage, of course. +But, if I am to treat _C. I. M. V._ from the mildly satiric standpoint, +which I fancy that MABEL BARNES-GRUNDY would prefer me to adopt, _Mr. +Shakespeare Waddilove_ is rather a big mouthful to swallow, even if I +can accommodate my throat to the supposition that the lady would have +allowed her husband to choose her Platonic friend for her and promise +beforehand to give him a two months' trial. She did come from Streatham, +I know, before she went to live in the country; but still the trams run +all the way from Streatham to Charing Cross--and that padded waistcoat! +However there are some amusing passages in _Candytuft--I mean Veronica_, +and so I shut both eyes and gulped as hard as I could. + + * * * + +Do you know _Mrs. Shovell? Violet Ashwin_ she was, and married young +_Charlie Shovell_, some sort of a publisher and really rather a nice +fool. She is an absolute dear. Gay and loyal and adorably kind. No, not +a bit sentimental. Shy and yet has a way with her, and, thank Heaven, +not the least bit of a scalp-hunter. We did think that _Master Charles_, +who was distinctly by way of being a philanderer, mightn't perhaps run +quite straight. But she's done wonders with him. Might I introduce you? +Certainly? Then get _Duke Jones_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON), by ETHEL +SIDGWICK. She's entirely responsible for these nice people, and for +_Lady Ashwin, Violet's_ utter beast of a mother, and _Sir Claude_, that +brick of a man and doctor, and insufferable _Honoria_ and naughty +bewitching _Lisette_, who came badly to grief and was pulled out of a +really rotten hole by _Jones. E. M. Jones_ (_M_ for _Marmaduke_) was the +fellow who worshipped _Violet_ at sight and was ever after her faithful +dog.... I've put down this book with real regret. I can't help worrying +as to whether there really is such a person as _Violet_ because I might +have the fortune to meet her. Really, Miss SIDGWICK has an extraordinary +power of making you feel friends (or bitter enemies) with her puppets, +who aren't puppets at all. I've had the bad luck to miss _A Lady of +Leisure_, to which _Duke Jones_ is a sequel, but I'll readily take the +responsibility of advising you to get it first. + + * * * + +Those who do not accept Archbishop LANG'S view that the KAISER is too +sacred a subject for mirth should spend sixpence and a quarter of an +hour on _Keep Smiling_ (NASH). In dealing with the inexhaustible theme +of WILLIAM'S Lie Factory, Messrs. WALTER EMANUEL and JOHN HASSALL are at +their best. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_Sergeant Instructor._ "WHAT'S YER NAME?" + +_Sir Angelo Frampington, R.A._ "FRAMPINGTON." + +_Sergeant._ "WELL, 'OLD YER 'EAD UP, FRAMPINGTON." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 2, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29351-8.txt or 29351-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/5/29351/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 2, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 8, 2009 [EBook #29351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_449" id="Page_449">[Pg 449]</a></span></p> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 147</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">December</span> 2, 1914.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>The <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>, we hear, has had much pleasure in not bestowing the Iron +Cross on Herr <span class="smcap">Maximilien Harden</span>, the editor of <i>Zukunft</i>, who, in a +recent article, suggested that the Germans should give up the pretence +that they did not begin the War.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Cecil Chisholm</span>, in his biography of our Commander-in-Chief, draws +attention to the fact that both Sir <span class="smcap">John French</span> and General <span class="smcap">Joffre</span> are +square men. This, no doubt, accounts for the difficulty the enemy has in +getting round them.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The author also mentions that the subject of his biography is known as +"Lucky French," though few persons understand the full appropriateness +of the epithet. It was Sir <span class="smcap">John Luck</span> who first gave him a chance of +distinguishing himself.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Before Christmas," says a German journal, "Londoners will have become +familiar with the spectacle of seeing their public buildings guarded by +German blue-jackets." This, of course, must refer to the interior of our +prisons.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We hear that as a result of the raid by British airmen on the Zeppelin +base at Friedrichshaven, the place has now been placarded with notices +announcing that foreign aeroplanes are <i>verboten</i> there.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is announced that the proposal at Lewisham to change the name of +Berlin Road has been rejected by the residents. This is unfortunate, as +the only effect can be to put fresh heart into the Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Russians having objected to being called a steam roller, the London +and North Western Railway have tactfully taken their fast engine +"Teutonic" and re-christened her "The Tsar."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Russians succeeded, a few days ago, in catching the <i>Goeben</i> +napping. Apparently the motto of the Turkisch Navy is "Let lying dogs +sleep."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A writer in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> suggests that cats, with their +marvellous homing instincts, might be used for the carriage of messages +in the same way as pigeons. Not quite in the same way, perhaps; though +cases of flying cats have occurred. We know one, for instance, that flew +at a dog only the other day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Eye-witness</span>" has remarked that the Germans in France are now equipped +with a gun which is quite silent. As a result of this statement a number +of men who had hitherto held back as being subject to headaches are now +rushing to enlist.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The advertisement of a new rifle gallery in Dublin runs as +follows:—"Learn to shoot at the Dublin Rifle School. The object is to +teach every man to shoot irrespective of political views." The old order +changeth. Formerly, no doubt, the rifles were sighted in one way for +Unionists and in another for Nationalists.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The watchmaking industry in Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland, has, it is +stated, already suffered a loss of £700,000 since the outbreak of the +war. This is attributed entirely to the competition of the Watch on the +Rhine.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>With reference again to the Silent Guns which the Germans claim to have +invented, it is only fair to point out that, before they were heard of, +English artillery-men had silenced many of the noisy ones.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<center>"FREE PASSES AND OVER-CROWNING."</center> + +<p class="author"><i>Evening Standard.</i></p> + +<p>There was some excuse for this misprint, for the offence complained of +took place at the Coronation Picture Palace.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Caution.</span>—The members of the Old Boys Corps simply hate being called +"Old B.C.s."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Plucky little Wales again! Russia may have her Przemysl, but it +transpired in certain police-court proceedings last week that Glamorgan +has her Ynysybwl. We would suggest that the competition should now stop.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/449.png"> +<img src="images/449.png" width="100%" alt="Want to join the Cavalry" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Recruiting Sergeant.</i> <span class="smcap">"Want to join the Cavalry, do you? +Know anything about horses?"</span></p> +<p><i>Applicant.</i> <span class="smcap">"Wot—me? Three winners and a second yesterday! Lumme, +Guv'nor! Wot do you think?"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE RECRUITING PROBLEM SOLVED.</h2> + +<p>The recruiting problem would surely be solved easily if Lord <span class="smcap">Kitchener</span> +would send for <i>Captain Desmond, V.C.</i>, and his legions from Lahore. It +will be remembered that in a polo tournament at that military station +<i>Captain Desmond</i> and his team reached the final after "they had fought +their way, inch by inch, through eight-and-twenty matches." (Ch. XVI., +<i>Captain Desmond, V.C.</i>, by <span class="smcap">Maud Diver</span>.) If we generously assume that +the hero's team played in the only tie in the first round the rest being +byes—we arrive at the result that there were 268,435,457 teams or +1,073,741,828 men playing. Might not just a small percentage of these, +if brought over to France, decide the issue at once in favour of the +Allies? Some of the four or five billion ponies might also be utilised +for remounts and for transport. Nor should the committee which +successfully managed this tournament be lost sight of. They showed a +power of organisation which could scarcely fail to be of use now at the +War Office.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Rosa pulled off her hat as she spoke, throwing it carelessly on the +bed, and she laughed nosily."—<i>Ottawa Citizen.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>This is generally supposed to be an American habit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>A censored letter from a correspondent at the Front tells us that the +most popular song with our Troops is the following:—</p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"It's a long way to ——,</p> +<p class="i2">It's a long way to go;</p> +<p class="i0">It's a long way to ——,</p> +<p class="i2">To the sweetest —— I know,</p> +<p class="i0">Goodbye ——, farewell ——;</p> +<p class="i2">It's a long, long way to ——</p> +<p class="i0">But my heart's right ——."</p> +</div></div> + +<p>It will be interesting to hear further details as soon as they can be +divulged without giving the position away to the Enemy.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_450" id="Page_450">[Pg 450]</a></span></p><hr /> + +<h2>TO THE NEUTRAL NATIONS.</h2> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">If you elect to stay outside</p> +<p class="i2">And run no risk, on shore or sea,</p> +<p class="i0">Where men for all men's sake have died</p> +<p class="i2">In this the War of Liberty</p> +<p class="i0">(The same whose figure points the pilot's way,</p> +<p class="i2">Larger than life, in New York Bay);—</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">If you prefer to fold your hands</p> +<p class="i2">And watch us, at your guarded ease,</p> +<p class="i0">Straining our strength to sweep the lands</p> +<p class="i2">Clean of a deadly foul disease,</p> +<p class="i0">Which must, unless our courage find a cure,</p> +<p class="i2">Fall on your children, swift and sure;—</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Stay out by all means; none shall ask</p> +<p class="i2">The help that your free will declined;</p> +<p class="i0">We'll bear as best we may the task</p> +<p class="i2">That duty's call to us assigned;</p> +<p class="i0">And you shall reap, ungrudged, in happier years</p> +<p class="i2">The harvest of our blood and tears.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Only—when this long fight is done,</p> +<p class="i2">And, breathing Freedom's purer air,</p> +<p class="i0">You share the vantage we have won—</p> +<p class="i2">Think not the honour, too, to share;</p> +<p class="i0">The honour shall be theirs and theirs alone</p> +<p class="i2">By whom the thrall was overthrown.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Meanwhile a boon: if not your swords,</p> +<p class="i2">Give us your sympathy at need;</p> +<p class="i0">Show us the friendship which affords</p> +<p class="i2">At least to let its pockets bleed;</p> +<p class="i0">And get your tradesmen kindly to forgo</p> +<p class="i2">Their traffic with a common foe.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>HISTORY'S REPETITIONS.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>It may be interesting to compare modern war items with some which +have been culled from our own contemporary records of the past.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p>From <i>The Early British Weekly, circ.</i> 50 <span class="smcap">B.C.</span>:—</p> + +<p>The Chief Druid's Fund to provide woad for our gallant troops at the +Front continues to progress.</p> + +<p>Tried yesterday for flint-and-steel signalling to the enemy, a Roman spy +was convicted and axed.</p> + +<p>News from Rome continues to show that the capital of the enemy is +growing very uneasy. A force of special lictors has been enrolled to +keep order in the event of a popular rising.</p> + +<p>An account of the fighting by an Eye-Witness with the Headquarters of +<span class="smcap">Cassivelaunus</span> appears on another page.</p> + +<p>From <i>The Saxon Chronicle</i>, 878 <span class="smcap">A.D.</span>:—</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">King Alfred</span> has given his patronage to a scheme for sending comforts to +our troops in the trenches. Contributions are already pouring in, and it +is said that the KING was particularly touched by a gift of +confectionery from the wife of a humble neatherd.</p> + +<p>From <i>The Saxon Standard</i>, 1065 <span class="smcap">A.D.</span>:—</p> + +<p>The Norman Lie Factory continues to try to frighten us by means of +invasion stories. The latest tale of terror is to the effect that a +great army is to be landed at Hastings before we know where we are. We +are to be crushed under the mailed fist of Normandy. The General Staff +of <span class="smcap">King Harold</span> can, we think, be trusted to deal with such +dangers—<i>when</i> they come.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.</h2> + +<center>NO. IX.<br /> + +(<i>From General <span class="smcap">Von Bernhardi.</span></i>)</center> + +<p>All-Highest War Lord,—To have received from you a letter written in +your own gracious and weapon-bearing hand is an honourable privilege, +under the weight of which many a General might have felt his knees +tremble, and I confess that I too, though used to your Majesty's +kindnesses, have not been unmoved.</p> + +<p>Your Majesty asks me what I now think of this war of mine—I quote your +words—and goes on to insinuate that in some measure the humble books +that I have from time to time written, and the conversations I have held +with your supreme self and with others, are responsible for what is now +taking place in France, Flanders, and the Eastern seat of war. This +insinuation I must with all my strength repudiate. It is true that I +have been an advocate of war. For the Germans it was necessary that war +should be the object of their policy in order that when the hour struck +they might be able to attack their foes under the most favourable +conditions and conquer them in the shortest possible time. But in saying +this I made myself merely the echo of your Majesty's speeches and the +faithful interpreter of your august mind. When you in words of matchless +eloquence spoke of the mailed fist and bade your recruits shoot their +parents rather than disobey their Kaiser, a humble General like myself +could not go far wrong if he supposed that the thought of war was +constantly in your Imperial mind. No other nation, I knew, had the +purpose of attacking us, and I assumed therefore that if we were to gain +the world-power at which we aimed we must be ready to attack other +nations. Everything, however depended on the conditions and the moment.</p> + +<p>As for a war begun, as this war was begun, in a sudden fit of temper, I +must use frankness with your Majesty and say that I never contemplated +it. War against France—yes; and war against Russia, if needs must be, +though even then I deny that we ought to have made ourselves the mere +instrument of Austrian ambitions and allowed ourselves to be dragged +into danger for the <i>beaux yeux</i> of the Ballplatz. But to manage things +so ill as to make it certain that England must declare against us and +that Italy must refuse to help us—this, indeed, was the master-stroke +of stupidity. Your Majesty will, no doubt, say that this was the fault +of <span class="smcap">Bethmann-Hollweg</span> and <span class="smcap">von Jagow</span>, but I am not sure that you yourself +must not share with them the responsibility, for it was you who lost +your head and gave the final word—which, of course, no one else could +have given. You could have spared Belgium and kept England out of the +war, so as to deal with her alone at a later date, but you took the bit +between your autocratic teeth, and, alas, there was nobody who could +stop you.</p> + +<p>I say again, this is not my war. I never imagined it or planned it in +this way, and I decline to be made responsible for it. I wanted a war +that might be quickly prosperous and as safe for Germany as any war can +be—a war of which we might keep the management in our own hands with +great profit to ourselves. But now, though only four months have passed, +we have lost the reins and Fate has taken them up and is directing the +course of things. When that happens anything may happen. It is useless, +therefore, to turn round and make accusations which are not founded in +reason. My system was a good one and is still good, but it cannot now be +used. There is nothing for it now except to continue hammering with our +heads against a stone wall, which is not an agreeable occupation even +when the heads are German.</p> + +<p class="regards">Your Majesty's faithful subject,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Von Bernhardi</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_451" id="Page_451">[Pg 451]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%"> +<a href="images/451.png"> +<img src="images/451.png" width="100%" alt="MEN OF FEW WORDS." /></a> +<h4>MEN OF FEW WORDS.</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">Grand Duke Nicholas</span>. "ÇA MARCHE?"</p> +<p><span class="smcap">General Joffre</span>. "ASSEZ BIEN. ET CHEZ VOUS?"</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Grand Duke</span>. "PAS MAL."</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_452" id="Page_452">[Pg 452]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_453" id="Page_453">[Pg 453]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/453.png"> +<img src="images/453.png" width="100%" alt="Small Visitor" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Small Visitor.</i> "<span class="smcap">And how is your mother, Penelope</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Penelope.</i> "<span class="smcap">Thank you, poor mummie's a bit below herself this +morning—what with the cook and the Kaiser</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<center>VIII.</center> + +<p>Dear Charles,—We have got a move on at last. We don't know where we are +going or why we are going or even if we are really going at all. It may +be that we are on our way to the Continent; it may be that we are on our +way to the coast to assume the defensive; it may be that the authorities +are pulling our legs and are watching from behind the hedges <i>en route</i> +to see how we take it. We march on till we are told to stop. We stop +till we are told to march on.</p> + +<p>I was, as you know, in London on Sunday. Having had a trying week I +sought a change of air to recuperate my health, I also sought to recover +my self-respect by being saluted in my native parks. Full of the good +things of this world I returned in the evening to ——</p> + +<p>[<i>Censor.</i> Now then, don't you give it away.</p> + +<p><i>Myself.</i> But, dash it all, he knows where I'd come from.</p> + +<p><i>Censor.</i> That may be, but it's not to get about where you are.</p> + +<p><i>Myself.</i> But I'm not there now. I'm at ——</p> + +<p><i>Censor.</i> H'sh.]</p> + +<p>I got to my little nest (anonymous) at 10.30 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> and found the +following among other orders awaiting me: "Company Officers will hold +their companies in readiness to move at short notice." "Will they?" I +asked, and leapt lightly into my bed; never a wise thing to do when your +bed consists of a stick or two and a bit of canvas ... I was collecting +myself on the floor when a corporal came in, wearing that significant, +nay sinister, look which corporals assume when they bring messages from +orderly room. Having cursed him roundly for the collapse of my bed (in +military life you may curse anybody for anything, provided he is an +inferior) I told him to proceed and let me know the worst. "We move at 8 +<span class="smcap">A.M.</span>, Sir," said he. "And what is it now?" I asked. "11.5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, Sir," +said he. "Then," said I, "I have under nine hours to pack up all my +goods, dividing them into those which I shall carry myself on my +for-light-articles-only back, those which the transport will carry and +those which I shall leave here for Providence to send home; to inspect +my half-company, its feet, its rifles, its packs, its kit-bags and the +thousand-and-one other things which are its; to feed my men and myself +and gather together a day's ration for both of us and to attend to all +those little odds and ends which will inevitably crop up when one is +about to leave one's headquarters and never see them again. All this +must be done by 8 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> you say?" "The battalion will march to the +rendezvous at 7.15, Sir," said he. "Reveillé 5.30, breakfast at 6.30, +and sick parade at 6.45," he concluded, adding, with sarcasm more +effective than any of my own, "Good night, Sir."</p> + +<p>I went straight to sleep. What else could I do? Obviously the suggested +programme was impossible of completion in the time allotted; why then +attempt it? I decided to obey orders: to reveillé at 5.30, breakfast at +6.30, and then to start getting ready and continue doing so till called +for. If the worst came to the worst, I should become a sick man and +parade accordingly. It struck me as I dozed off that in civil life the +very last thing an invalid would attempt would be to parade.</p> + +<p>In supposing that I should at least be thorough about my sleep, I +reckoned without my old though not always welcome friend, Banner. His +view is that when a crisis arrives it is up to the people involved to be +at least busy, if not worse. To him commotion is essential, and he has +always distrusted our adjutant because the only thing he did on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_454" id="Page_454">[Pg 454]</a></span> +receiving telegraph orders to mobilize was to send out an orderly for a +hundred cigarettes and a <i>Daily Mirror</i>. When Lieutenant Banner receives +orders he at once puts his cap on, pushes it to the back of his head and +passes a weary hand across a worried brow. When he has confused himself +to the top of his bent he searches round for other victims. On this +Sunday night ill luck directed his footsteps to my billet; seeing me in +bed, he became positively aghast, though I firmly believe he was +inwardly delighted to discover so depressing a sight.</p> + +<p>You may imagine the colloquy that ensued; how he repeated to me, with a +nice sense of climax, the news which I had already received from the +corporal. "It is impossible to do it," said he. "Quite," said I, turning +on my other side. "But good heavens, man, you're not going to <i>sleep</i>?" +he asked. "I'm going to have a try," I told him. The result of the +business was that Banner eventually did all my packing for me, feeling, +no doubt, that I should be left behind if he didn't. Of course he was +left behind himself. Really, I suppose, I ought to be very grateful to +the dear old fellow; but I have the feeling that, if he had stayed away, +I should have had my sleep and every thing would have arranged itself in +the meantime, and would have arranged itself <i>rightly</i>.</p> + +<p>We marched forth at break of day from that town where we have been +stationed the last three months, and it shows how unavailing are these +precautions for secrecy when I tell you that the local tailor was up and +about before dawn collecting his unpaid accounts notwithstanding. Since +then we have slept in hay-lofts, and sometimes in eligible villas, +knowing the dignity and pleasure of the white sheet again. Our +willy-nilly hosts are all firmly convinced that we want conversation +confined to the more gruesome experiences of their friends and relations +who have got mixed up in this war, but otherwise they are kindness +itself. At the house I at present inhabit it is found absolutely +essential that the father and the mother, three daughters, two +maidservants, the nurse, and even, I believe, the infant son, should +rise from their beds at 5 o'clock when reveillé is, at the whim of the +G.O.C., put at that unforgivable hour. It is only myself who may lie +a-bed till six!</p> + +<p>Well, Charles, I'll let you know in due course what becomes of me, that +is if I ever know myself. I see little more of the business than the +backs of the files marching ahead of me, and even if I discover the +names of our resting-places I have generally forgotten them in the haste +of our departure. I met a man who had returned from the Continent itself +and I asked him where he had been and how he got his wound. He admitted +frankly that he didn't know; in fact, he said, he'd been back in England +for three weeks now and no one had ever let him know whether he had been +at the front or not. If they don't inform you as to your present or your +past, how can you expect to be informed as to your future? Thus I may at +this moment be marching forward to Belgium, or I may be merely moving to +another home station, or it may all be a test of my power and +organization and I may be making a wide circle which will bring me back +one fine morning to my original starting-place, Tiddilyumpton.</p> + +<p>Drop it all, a soldier ought to be told whether he is going to war or +not. It would make it so much easier to know what attitude to adopt to +the schoolchildren who cheer him as he marches past.</p> +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> +<p class="author">HENRY.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/454.png"> +<img src="images/454.png" width="100%" alt="The Victor" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>The Victor</i> (<i>after being admonished for un-scoutlike +behaviour</i>). "<span class="smcap">Well, you may say what you like, Sir, but I consider it +distinctly subversive of discipline for an ordinary private to call his +patrol-leader 'Toffee-nose</span>.'"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"In its issue of 22nd instant our estimable contemporary, 'La Patria +degli Italiani,' published a magnificent translation of the latest +poem of Rudyard Kipling: 'Rule Britannia.'"—<i>Buenos Aires +Standard.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>Wait till you read <span class="smcap">Robert Bridges'</span> new work, "God Save the King."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WAR MEMENTOES.</h2> + +<p>A thoughtful and far-reaching suggestion toward the better regulation of +the currency has been made by a Mr. <span class="smcap">James Innes C. Roger</span>. He writes to +the Press in the following terms:—"It has lately struck me that a +silver 10<i>s.</i> piece might be introduced during the war instead of (or in +addition to) the paper notes now current. Although these might be +objected to on the ground of size and weight, they would be interesting +as a memento of the great war, especially if the obverse side bore, say, +a representation of the British Fleet in action."</p> + +<p>It seems to us that this would provide a delightful little game for the +Government, which probably has not much else to do at present, and we do +not see how the proposed coins could possibly be objected to on the +grounds mentioned above. On the contrary they would be most useful in a +variety of ways in which the sixpence and threepenny bit are of no +service whatever. In thoroughly honest households they could be employed +as letter-weights or for practising the discus-throw for the next +Olympic Games (if any), or for keeping open a swing door while a +tea-tray is carried through. We hope the idea will be vigorously +followed up. A 15/-piece representing the British Army crossing the +Aisne River under fire would be certain to be popular, as also would a +17/6 piece showing the arrival of the Indian Troops at Marseilles.</p> + +<p>Something, too, might be done with our stamps. Concrete gun emplacements +would look very well on the five-shilling stamp, and the desired effect +of secrecy could be obtained by printing them on the back; while we +would suggest for the penny stamp a design of a muffler or a mitten with +crossed knitting needles in each corner. At the same time an important +step could be taken toward popularizing the postal order, by printing on +the obverse side of it in red the whole of the first verse of "It's a +long way to Tipperary."</p> + +<p>We only throw out these suggestions for what they are worth. Like Mr. +<span class="smcap">Roger</span> himself our sole idea is to contribute something really useful to +the pregnant deliberations of the hour.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_455" id="Page_455">[Pg 455]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/455.png"> +<img src="images/455.png" width="100%" alt="Officer commanding skirmishing party" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>commanding skirmishing party</i>). "<span class="smcap">Very sorry +to put you off your game, Sir; but we had to come across here</span>."</p> +<p><i>Golfer.</i> "<span class="smcap">Don't mention it, Sir. It makes me feel I've done my bit</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>BOOK TRADE GOSSIP.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>(<i>The following communication has been submitted to our own Special +Censor, who takes the responsibility of contradicting it in every +particular. Subject to this, he has no objection to publication.</i>)</p></blockquote> + +<p class="regards">Paternoster Row.</p> + +<p>In spite of the drastic regulations against dealing with the enemy it is +to be feared that books from British publishing houses continue to find +their way into German hands. During the early days of the invasion of +Belgium an unprecedented demand for <i>How to Collect Old Furniture</i> arose +in neutral countries, accompanied by enquiries for similar works dealing +with silver plate, pictures and bijoutry. Suspicion respecting the +ultimate destination of these books is strengthened by the fact that of +late the demand has given place to urgent requests for stilts, +wading-boots, and "water-wings"—a class of goods in which Paternoster +Row is not keenly interested.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The esteemed <i>Berliner Tageblatt</i> has recently set itself to discover +the most suitable reading for civilians during the war. One of its +correspondents recommends <i>Gulliver's Travels</i>, "in order to learn to +know the English." That weighty point may therefore be regarded as +finally settled. Meanwhile from other sources no less authentic some +interesting particulars have come to light of the literary relaxations +prevailing among our enemy in the field. From these it would appear that +early in September General <span class="smcap">von Kluck</span> received, apparently from an +anonymous admirer, a copy of <i>The Mysteries of Paris</i>, in which he has +been thoughtfully absorbed ever since. His Imperial master's +pocket-companion takes the form of a copy of Mr. <span class="smcap">Frank Richardson's</span> +<i>There and Back</i>, which we learn is already beginning to show signs of +hard wear. Many of the gunners stationed about French and Belgian +cathedral cities are reported as being seriously interested in <span class="smcap">Max +Müller's</span> <i>Chips from a German Workshop</i>, while Mr. <span class="smcap">H. G. Wells'</span> <i>Twelve +Stories and a Dream</i> has become almost a book of reference to the +officials disseminating German wireless news.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A work of timely importance, especially to Londoners during the present +lighting regulations, is promised in the course of the next few weeks. +The novelty is to take the form of a brochure from the pen of <span class="smcap">Dean Inge</span>, +and will court popularity under the arresting title, <i>How to be Cheerful +though Gloomy</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE ARCHBISHOP'S APOLOGIA.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>["I resent exceedingly the gross and vulgar way in which the German +Emperor has been treated in the newspapers.... I have a personal +memory of the Emperor very sacred to me."—<i>The Archbishop of +York.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">His Grace of York</span> maintains the <span class="smcap">Kaiser's</span></p> +<p class="i0">Merely the dupe of bad advisers,</p> +<p class="i0">And, simply to avoid a fuss,</p> +<p class="i0">Reluctantly made war on us.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">One marvels what his Grace will say</p> +<p class="i0">When, peradventure, some fine day,</p> +<p class="i0">Thanks to his German friend, he hears</p> +<p class="i0">York Minster crashing round his ears!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Foresight.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"It was stated in Dover last night that an aircraft was seen over +Dungeness this evening.—<i>Central News.</i></p> + +<p>The Press Bureau, while permitting publication, cannot vouch for the +accuracy of this statement."—<i>Cardiff Evening Express.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>No wonder!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_456" id="Page_456">[Pg 456]</a></span> + +<h2>A QUESTION OF LIGHT.</h2> + +<p>As soon as Celia had got a chequebook of her own (and I had explained +the mysteries of "—— & Co." to her), she looked round for a safe +investment of her balance, which amounted to several pounds. My offers, +first of an old stocking and afterwards of mines, mortgages and aerated +breads, were rejected at once.</p> + +<p>"I'll leave a little in the bank in case of accidents," she said, "and +the rest must go somewhere absolutely safe and earn me five per cent. +Otherwise they shan't have it."</p> + +<p>We did what we could for her; we offered the money to archdeacons and +other men of pronounced probity; and finally we invested it in the +Blanktown Electric Light Company. Blanktown is not its real name, of +course; but I do not like to let out any information which may be of +value to Celia's enemies—the wicked ones who are trying to snatch her +little fortune from her. The world, we feel, is a dangerous place for a +young woman with money.</p> + +<p>"Can't I <i>possibly</i> lose it now?" she asked.</p> + +<p>"Only in two ways," I said. "Blanktown might disappear in the night, or +the inhabitants might give up using electric light."</p> + +<p>It seemed safe enough. At the same time we watched the newspapers +anxiously for details of the latest inventions; and anybody who happened +to mention when dining with us that he was experimenting with a new and +powerful illuminant was handed his hat at once.</p> + +<p>You have Blanktown, then, as the depository of Celia's fortune. Now it +comes on the scene in another guise. I made the announcement with some +pride at breakfast yesterday.</p> + +<p>"My dear," I said, "I have been asked to deliver a lecture."</p> + +<p>"What ever on?" asked Celia.</p> + +<p>"Anything I like. The last person lectured on 'The Minor Satellites of +Jupiter,' and the one who comes after me is doing 'The Architecture of +the Byzantine Period,' so I can take something in between."</p> + +<p>"Like 'Frostbites,'" said Celia helpfully. "But I don't quite +understand. Where is it, and why?"</p> + +<p>"The Blanktown Literary and Philosophical Society ask me to lecture to +them at Blanktown. The man who was coming is ill."</p> + +<p>"But why <i>you</i> particularly?"</p> + +<p>"One comes down to me in the end," I said modestly.</p> + +<p>"I expect it's because of my electric lights. Do they give you any money +for it?"</p> + +<p>"They ask me to name my fee."</p> + +<p>"Then say a thousand pounds, and lecture on the need for more electric +light. Fancy if I got six per cent.!"</p> + +<p>"This is a very sordid conversation," I said. "If I agree to lecture at +all, it will be simply because I feel that I have a message to deliver... +I will now retire into the library and consider what that message is +to be."</p> + +<p>I placed the <i>Encyclopædia</i> handy and sat down at my desk. I had already +grasped the fact that the title of my discourse was the important thing. +In the list of the Society's lectures sent to me there was hardly one +whose title did not impress the imagination in advance. I must be +equally impressive....</p> + +<p>After a little thought I began to write.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Wasps and Their Young</span>.</p> + +<p>"<i>Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th.</i></p> + +<p>"Ladies and Gentlemen——"</p> + +<p>"Well," said Celia, drifting in, "how's it going?"</p> + +<p>I showed her how far I had got.</p> + +<p>"I thought you always began, 'My Lord Mayor, Ladies and Gentlemen,'" she +said.</p> + +<p>"Only if the Lord Mayor's there."</p> + +<p>"But how will you know?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, that's rather awkward. I shall have to ask the Secretary +beforehand."</p> + +<p>I began again.</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Wasps and their Young</span>.</p> + +<p>"<i>Lecture delivered, etc.</i> ...</p> + +<p>"My Lord Mayor, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen——"</p> + +<p>It looked much better.</p> + +<p>"What about Baronets?" said Celia. "There's sure to be lots."</p> + +<p>"Yes, this is going to be difficult. I shall have to have a long talk +with the Secretary.... How's this?—'My Lord Mayor, Lords, Baronets, +Ladies and Gentlemen and Sundries.' That's got in everybody."</p> + +<p>"That's all right. And I wanted to ask you: Have you got any lantern +slides?"</p> + +<p>"They're not necessary."</p> + +<p>"But they're much more fun. Perhaps they'll have some old ones of +Vesuvius you can work in. Well, goodbye." And she drifted out.</p> + +<p>I went on thinking.</p> + +<p>"No," I said to myself, "I'm on the wrong tack." So I began again:—</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Some Yorkshire Pot-Holes</span>.</p> + +<p>"<i>Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th.</i></p> + +<p>"My Lord Mayor, my Lords——"</p> + +<p>"I don't want to interrupt," said Celia coming in suddenly, "but—oh, +what's a pot-hole?"</p> + +<p>"A curious underground cavern sometimes found in the North."</p> + +<p>"Aren't caverns always underground? But you're busy. Will you be in for +lunch?"</p> + +<p>"I shall be writing my lecture all day," I said busily.</p> + +<p>At lunch I decided to have a little financial talk with Celia.</p> + +<p>"What I feel is this," I said. "At most I can ask ten guineas for my +lecture. Now my expenses all the way to the North, with a night at an +hotel, will be at least five pounds."</p> + +<p>"Five-pounds-ten profit," said Celia. "Not bad."</p> + +<p>"Ah, but wait. I have never spoken in public before. In an immense hall, +whose acoustics——"</p> + +<p>"Who are they?"</p> + +<p>"Well, never mind. What I mean is that I shall want some elocution +lessons. Say five, at a guinea each."</p> + +<p>"That still leaves five shillings."</p> + +<p>"If only it left that, it might be worth it. But there's the new white +waistcoat. An audience soon gets tired of a lecture, and then there's +nothing for the wakeful ones to concentrate on but the white waistcoat +of the lecturer. It must be of a virgin whiteness. Say thirty-five +shillings. So I lose thirty shillings by it. Can I afford so much?"</p> + +<p>"But you gain the acoustics and the waistcoat."</p> + +<p>"True. Of course, if you insist——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, you <i>must</i>," said Celia.</p> + +<p>So I returned to the library. By tea-time I had got as far as this:—</p> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Adventures with a Camera in Somaliland</span>.</p> + +<p>"<i>Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philo—— </i>"</p> + +<p>And then I had an idea. This time a brilliant one.</p> + +<p>"Celia," I said at tea, "I have been wondering whether I ought to take +advantage of your generosity."</p> + +<p>"What generosity?"</p> + +<p>"In letting me deliver this lecture."</p> + +<p>"It isn't generosity, it's swank. I want to be able to tell everybody."</p> + +<p>"Ah, but the sacrifices you are making."</p> + +<p>"Am I?" said Celia, with interest.</p> + +<p>"Of course you are. Consider. I ask a fee of ten guineas. They cannot +possibly charge more than a shilling a head to listen to me. It would be +robbery. So that if there is to be a profit at all, as presumably they +anticipate, I shall have a gate of at least two hundred and fifty."</p> + +<p>"I should <i>hope</i> so."<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_457" id="Page_457">[Pg 457]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Two hundred and fifty. And what does that mean? It means that at +seven-thirty o'clock on the night of December the 8th two hundred and +fifty residents of Blanktown will <i>turn out the electric lights in their +drawing-rooms</i> ... <span class="smcap">PERHAPS EVEN IN THEIR HALLS</span> ... and proceed to the +lecture-room. True, the lecture-room will be lit up—a small +compensation—but not for long. When the slides of Vesuvius are thrown +upon the screen——"</p> + +<p>Celia was going pale.</p> + +<p>"But if it's not you," she faltered, "it will be somebody else."</p> + +<p>"No; if I refuse, it will be too late then to get a substitute. Besides +they must have tried everybody else before they got down to me.... +Celia, already the Zeppelin scare has shaken your stock severely; this +will be the final blow. It is noble of you to sacrifice——"</p> + +<p>"Don't go!" she cried in anguish.</p> + +<p>I gave a deep sigh.</p> + +<p>"For your sake," I said, "I won't."</p> + +<p>So that settles it. If my lecture on "First Principles in Homeopathy" is +ever to be delivered, it must be delivered elsewhere.</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/457.png"> +<img src="images/457.png" width="100%" alt="HERO-WORSHIP" /></a> +<h4>HERO-WORSHIP.</h4> +<p><i>Slightly soiled Urchin</i>, "<span class="smcap">Please, Mr. General, if yer wouldn't mind +bendin' dahn a bit, me an' Emma'd like to give yer a kiss.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>À LA RUSSE.</h2> + +<p>Every November, just as I am beginning to look sadly down the long vista +of apple—apple-tart, apple-pudding, stewed apple and custard, +apple-charlotte and apple-dumpling—that stretches all the way from now +to rhubarb, come cranberries.</p> + +<p>I had forgotten them, as I do every year, and the pinky-red that tinged +the knife yesterday, as soon as it entered what I feared was an +apple-tart, ran right up my arm and spread in a glow to my face. <i>Dear</i> +cranberries!</p> + +<p>And doubly dear just now. How <i>did</i> you manage it? All the way from +Archangel, was it—threading your way through mines and submarines, and +not a keg broken, not a cranberry exploded? Thank you, <span class="smcap">Jellicoe</span>.</p> + +<p>Or are you a Southern Slav, a Crim-Tartar? And did you dare the +Dardanelles, give the <i>Goeben</i> the slip, and disappoint the German +ganders of their sauce? Artful ally!</p> + +<p>Where is your home, bright berry? What are your habits? Do you push +through the snow on the steppes? Do you flower in the first thaw of +spring, set in full summer and ripen when the snow falls again? I think +so; you have the savour of snow. I hope so; I picture the snowfields +stained with your blood when you burst.</p> + +<p>We've known too little of you, but we shall want to know more now. The +Vicar <i>said</i> the war would do good in more ways than one. <i>It does it +now</i>; it sets me thinking.</p> + +<p>Learning, too. My landlady, for whom I had composed a simple +object-lesson on the value of a strong Navy, pricked all my bubbles +with, "Russian, Sir? Did you say Russian? I wouldn't have a bit o' +foreign fruit in the house. Them berries was picked in my sister's +garden on the moors."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Helmets galore strew the fields. Rifles, motor lorries, and field +kitchens are common finds. Some day they will be collected, +and—such is the scandalous heartlessness of mankind—distributed as +souvenirs of the great Armageddon of 1914."—<i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p>In case anybody wishes to bring us home a souvenir, we are keeping a +little place on our writing-desk for a field-kitchen.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_458" id="Page_458">[Pg 458]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/458.png"> +<img src="images/458.png" width="100%" alt="Vicar" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Vicar</i> (<i>his mind full of the recruiting posters</i>). +"<span class="smcap">Wilt thou take this woman to thy wedded wife—for three years or the +duration of the war?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>PEACE WITH HONOUR.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Being a slight amplification, from another quarter, of the lines +addressed to "Mr. Bernard Jaw" in last week's "Punch."</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Oft as I've wondered with a weary sigh</p> +<p class="i2">At <span class="smcap">Mr. Shaw's</span> incorrigible habit</p> +<p class="i0">Of always seeing England with an eye</p> +<p class="i2">That knows the armour's joint and where to stab it,</p> +<p class="i6">And, sometimes taken by his style,</p> +<p class="i6">Have half believed his taunts of guile,</p> +<p class="i6">But oftener set them down to bile</p> +<p class="i2">And eating too much green-stuff, like a rabbit;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I've dreamed a dream that, when the drums are still</p> +<p class="i2">And stern Bellona, from her steel unbodiced,</p> +<p class="i0">Regrets the overthrow of <span class="smcap">Kaiser Bill</span></p> +<p class="i2">(Of all strange cranks, excepting one, the oddest),</p> +<p class="i6">Disarmament and gentleness</p> +<p class="i6">May also come to <span class="smcap">G. B. S.</span>,</p> +<p class="i6">And, turned from wrath, he shall confess</p> +<p class="i2">Britain in triumph was supremely modest.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">A newer, better Poland shall arise,</p> +<p class="i2">And Schleswig-Holstein be extremely perky;</p> +<p class="i0">Alsace-Lorraine shall look with loving eyes</p> +<p class="i2">To a clear dawn, where now the mists are murky,</p> +<p class="i6">And messengers of peace shall stray</p> +<p class="i6">On Balkan mounts, and my Aunt May</p> +<p class="i6">Has frequently been heard to say</p> +<p class="i2">That she intends to give the Belgians Turkey.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But what of England? Shall she not bestow</p> +<p class="i2">Quiet upon the world, and ordered measure,</p> +<p class="i0">And take no vantage of the fallen foe</p> +<p class="i2">In land (which is but dust) and sordid treasure?</p> +<p class="i6">But rather of her kindness yield</p> +<p class="i6">The balm whereby hurt wounds are healed,</p> +<p class="i6">That couchant in the selfsame field</p> +<p class="i2">Lion and lamb may masticate at leisure.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Let it be written in the terms of peace,</p> +<p class="i2">And evermore on brassy tablets graven,</p> +<p class="i0">That England shall demand no right nor lease</p> +<p class="i2">Of frontier nor of town, nor armoured haven,</p> +<p class="i6">But cede with unreluctant paw</p> +<p class="i6">To Germans and to German law</p> +<p class="i6">The whole of this egregious <span class="smcap">Shaw</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">And only re-annex the <span class="smcap">Bard Of Avon</span>.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Evoe</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The commission is also empowered to order the removal of +advertising on existing marquises if it is deemed objectionable."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Los Angeles Times.</i></p> + +<p>Who are these marquises who are large enough for a really telling poster +on the waistcoat?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Here Colonel Hoffmann remarked: 'We have a feeling of absolute +superiority over the Russians. We must win; we will win.'"</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Mail.</i></p> + +<p>Look out for our new opera, "Fairy Tales of <span class="smcap">Hoffmann</span>."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_459" id="Page_459">[Pg 459]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/459.png"> +<img src="images/459.png" width="100%" alt="A CHRONIC COMPLAINT" /></a> +<h4>A CHRONIC COMPLAINT.</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">Aide-De-Camp</span>. "'THE ENGLISH FORCE, SO PLEASE YOU.'"</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>. "'TAKE THY FACE HENCE.... I AM SICK AT HEART.'"</p> +<p>(<span class="smcap">Macbeth</span>, Act V., Sc. 3.)</p> +</div> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_460" id="Page_460">[Pg 460]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_461" id="Page_461">[Pg 461]</a></span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center>(<span class="smcap">Extracted From The Diary Of Toby, M.P.</span>)</center> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, 23rd November.</i>—Dull sitting suddenly +stirred to excitement by Apparition in Khaki starting up from below +Gangway on Ministerial Side. It was <span class="smcap">Wedgewood</span> (<i>sans</i> <span class="smcap">Benn</span>). Wanted to +know what advice Government are prepared to give civil population as to +how they ought to behave in event of German invasion.</p> + +<p>"Are they," asked the warlike <span class="smcap">Wedgewood</span>, "to take it lying down and let +the Germans walk over them? or shall they make the best possible stand +for their country?"</p> + +<p>From above Gangway in neighbourhood of <span class="smcap">Leif Jones</span>' seat came tremulous +voice exclaiming, "Fight!"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/461a.png"> +<img src="images/461a.png" width="100%" alt="Mr. Tennant" /></a> +<p><i>Mr. Tennant</i>. "<span class="smcap">Our duty is to drive the invader into the +sea.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p>Thus encouraged, <span class="smcap">Parliamentary Secretary</span> to War Office, who day by day +grows more martial in figure and manner, pointed out that "the first +duty we [meaning the Army] and the Navy have to perform is to prevent +invasion. That failing, our duty is to drive the invader into the sea as +fast as ever we can."</p> + +<p>As to action of civil population emergency committees are being formed +in counties where there is danger of invasion, and instructions are +being issued by them. What those instructions are <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> strategically +declined to disclose.</p> + +<p>After this reassuring statement Consolidated Fund Bill immediately +passed second reading.</p> + +<p>Later fresh protest, led off by Lord <span class="smcap">Bob</span> and emphasised by <span class="smcap">Bonar Law</span>, +against arbitrary conduct of Censor in dealing with the Press.</p> + +<p>"We ought to stick to this till <span class="smcap">K.</span> caves in," says the <span class="smcap">Member for Sark</span>. +"The Press Bureau has about it stamp of things 'made in Germany.' +Importation of other classes of these goods is prohibited. Let us either +get rid of the Press Bureau or have it remodelled on principles of +common sense, in accord with public feeling and concern for best +interests of the Army."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Stout bundle of Bills advanced a stage.</p> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Tuesday.</i>—The ways of the Press Censor are past +finding out.</p> + +<p>He worries the British Press day and night. He stands in the way of +recognition of exceptionally gallant deeds on the battle-field by +particular men or regiments. He arbitrarily strikes out passages from +the letters of War Correspondents who, forbidden to approach the +fighting line, laboriously pick up such scraps of information as may +filter through its outskirts. He holds over for days, sometimes for +weeks, official despatches from the Front, for which the Public are +eagerly waiting. Occasionally, by way of exhibiting his desire that not +a moment shall be lost in communicating important information, he, about +midnight, by preference an hour later, dumps down upon hapless +newspapers just going to press the material for whole columns of print.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/461b.png"> +<img src="images/461b.png" width="100%" alt="The Solicitor-General knows nothing" /></a> +<p><span class="smcap">The Solicitor-General knows nothing of seditious Irish +newspapers.</span></p> +</div> + +<p>This conscientiously and painstakingly done, he permits certain journals +published in Ireland to circulate seditious garbage designed to stop the +flow of recruiting which <span class="smcap">Carson</span> and <span class="smcap">John Redmond</span>, representatives of +contending national parties, have loyally united in encouraging.</p> + +<p>In the Commons the other night attention of <span class="smcap">Solicitor-General</span>, head of +this new department, called to notorious matter. Protested that he knew +nothing of these Irish papers. General impression in both Houses that it +is time he made the acquaintance of the particular organs alluded to and +took action accordingly.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Midleton</span> to-night in spirited speech asked what the Government proposed +to do? <span class="smcap">Crewe</span> pleaded that he must have notice of the question. <span class="smcap">Curzon</span>, +ever ready to oblige, promptly undertook to place one on notice-paper.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Commons Budget Bill passed Report stage, <span class="smcap">Chancellor</span> +smoothing the passage by concessions to the brewers and publicans by way +of easing burden of additional taxation.</p> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Wednesday.</i>—For some time there has been rumour, +generally discredited, that Prince <span class="smcap">Albert</span>, son of Prince and Princess +<span class="smcap">Christian</span>, had taken active service with the enemy in struggle with whom +the best blood of the nation is being daily outpoured. To-day <span class="smcap">Young</span> +asked whether story was true? <span class="smcap">Premier</span> curtly admitted it.</p> + +<p>"Is it considered just and expedient," inquired the Member for +Perthshire, amid ominous cheering, "that the British taxpayer should be +called upon to pay £6,000 a year for the maintenance of a family which +includes this German officer?"</p> + +<p>"The Question," replied the <span class="smcap">Premier</span>, with something less than his +accustomed point in dealing with Supplementary Queries, "relates to a +particular individual."</p> + +<p>House gladly got rid of disagreeable subject. But <span class="smcap">Sark</span> tells me that, +when in due course the pension comes up in Committee of Supply, more +will be heard of the matter.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_462" id="Page_462">[Pg 462]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Several War Emergency Bills advanced a stage.</p> + +<p><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>—K. of K. read brief paper on Military +Situation in Flanders. In matter of picturesque detail it did not quite +come up to pitch of "<span class="smcap">Eye-Witness's</span>" despatches from the Front, which in +the main it resembled. But it was as comforting as it was concise. +Summed up in sentence the position to-day of Expeditionary Force: +"Reinforcements have replaced our casualties, and the troops under Sir +<span class="smcap">John French</span>, now re-fitted, are in the best of spirits, confident of +success under their Leader."</p> + +<p>Touched lightly on rout of Germans in Poland with which the world is +ringing; but said nothing about capture of <span class="smcap">Kaiser's</span> cloak. <span class="smcap">Sark</span> suggests +that this interesting robe should be put up for sale to highest bidder +(as if it were the First £1 note), proceeds to be contributed to Fund +for Relief of Belgians. This would give opportunity for remarking that +having taken off his coat to devastate the homes of the Belgians, +<span class="smcap">Wilhelm</span> gave them his cloak also.</p> + +<p>Suggestion worth thinking about. Certainly something attractive about it +in way of poetic justice.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In the Commons <span class="smcap">Under-Secretary for India</span> gave glowing +account of the gallant deeds of Indian troops fighting in three +continents.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—After heartening speeches by <span class="smcap">Chancellor</span> and <span class="smcap">First Lord</span>, +together going to show that "we've got the ships, we've got the men, +we've got the money too," Parliament adjourned till Tuesday, February +2nd, with promise that, if necessary, it can be specially summoned at +any time on six days' notice.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"The Germans did not even hesitate to bring up heavy artillery which +quickly became embedded in the mud, some of which has since been +found by our troops."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="regards"><i>Press Association War Special.</i></p> + +<p>From what we hear, our troops have found all the mud they want.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"In reply to Mr. <span class="smcap">Joynson-Hicks</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">McKenna</span> said:—Germans cannot +land in the United Kingdom without the express permission of the +Secretary of State."</p></blockquote> + +<p>New motto for Great Britain: "<span class="smcap">McKenna</span> and the Navy our shield."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/462.png"> +<img src="images/462.png" width="100%" alt="Shopkeeper" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Shopkeeper.</i> "<span class="smcap">Candles are up in price to-day, y'know, +Mrs. O'Flynn—on account of the war.</span>"</p> +<p><i>Mrs. O'Flynn.</i> "<span class="smcap">Och! Bad cess to them Germans! <i>Why can't they be +fighting by daylight</i>?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A SERVANT OF THE KING.</h2> + +<p>"Your King and country need <span class="smcap">YOU</span>."</p> + +<p>"Lor!"</p> + +<p>Tilda Perkins, her cap awry and a smudge on her diminutive nose, came to +a sudden halt, arrested by the staring blue type.</p> + +<p>"Your King and country need YOU."</p> + +<p>That personal appeal drove straight home. Tilda's heart swelled; a flush +of excitement invaded her cheeks.</p> + +<p>"Bless 'em! They shall 'ave me," she vowed in a fervour of +self-immolation.</p> + +<p>Tightly clutching the newspaper containing her master's breakfast +haddock she scudded off, ablaze with patriotic fire.</p> + +<p>"There 'tis, Ma'am," she gasped breathlessly, plumping down her burden +on the kitchen table. "An' now I'm goin'."</p> + +<p>"Going! Where?"</p> + +<p>"To <span class="smcap">King George</span>, God bless 'im. The poster ses 'e wants me."</p> + +<p>Her mistress shook a regretful head.</p> + +<p>"No, Tilda. It's not you and I he wants."</p> + +<p>Gloom unutterable descended upon Tilda as her mistress expounded the +situation.</p> + +<p>"Men 'as all the luck," she jerked out. "I ain't surprised them +Sufferajettes got sick o' things."</p> + +<p>A pause.</p> + +<p>"Still, I s'pose it ain't <span class="smcap">King George's</span> fault. I'll 'elp 'im out as well +as I can," she announced.</p> + +<p>It was a resolute Tilda who awaited her swain at the kitchen door that +night.</p> + +<p>"Take off yer shoes," she said abruptly.</p> + +<p>Jem obeyed.</p> + +<p>"'Old up yer 'ead. Don't loll," came the sharp command.</p> + +<p>Jem drew himself up to attention, and Tilda manipulated an inch tape.</p> + +<p>"Sixty-three inches an' a bit. Twelves into sixty go five. Five feet +three an' a scrap. You'll jest do," she said with a complacent nod.</p> + +<p>Jem, motionless, but turning a fine blush-rose under the touch of the +busy fingers, levelled an enquiring gaze at the preoccupied face.</p> + +<p>"I'm giving you to <span class="smcap">King George</span>," remarked Tilda. "I'm sorry you ain't +taller, but he'll understand I've done the best I can for 'im," she +added with a little sigh.</p> + +<p>"But—but—" faltered Jem.</p> + +<p>"There ain't no buts about it," broke in Tilda with swift asperity. +"Think what you'd feel like if you was me."</p> + +<p>"Why, it's you a-sendin' me," protested Jem. "I won't go if you don't +want me to leave yer."</p> + +<p>Tilda flung back her head with an impatient snort at man's obtuseness.</p> + +<p>"You don't s'pose I'm whinin' cos you're goin', do you?" she demanded.</p> + +<p>An abashed Jem diminished perceptibly.</p> + +<p>"Well, why then?" he asked humbly.</p> + +<p>"Cos I can't go, stoopid. It ain't fair."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A BENEFACTOR.</h2> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Their blazon flashed across the sky</p> +<p class="i2">Or ever the War began;</p> +<p class="i0">In divers spots it struck the eye</p> +<p class="i2">Of every passing man.</p> +<p class="i0">Aloft the flickering words would run,</p> +<p class="i2">Curtly commanding me</p> +<p class="i0">To use the Soap of Such a One,</p> +<p class="i2">Or swallow Someone's Tea.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">But oh, in London's sky to-day</p> +<p class="i2">Such legends no man meets,</p> +<p class="i0">And, as I go my cautious way</p> +<p class="i2">By dark but decent streets,</p> +<p class="i0">I think of him who bade depart</p> +<p class="i2">These beacons' blatant din,</p> +<p class="i0">And almost find it in my heart</p> +<p class="i2">To bless Count <span class="smcap">Zeppelin</span>.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"FIVE HOLES IN HULL.</h4> + +<center><span class="smcap">Glasgow being Repaired in Rio de Janeiro.</span>"—<i>Star.</i></center> + +<p>More news for Germans: "Successful bombardment of British towns."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_463" id="Page_463">[Pg 463]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/462.png"> +<img src="images/463.png" width="100%" alt="Cavalry Instructor" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Cavalry Instructor.</i> "<span class="smcap">From where did you receive +instructions to dismount, Sir?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Raw Recruit.</i> "<span class="smcap">From hindquarters, Sir.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A SOLDIER'S SERVANT.</h2> + +<p>Dear <i>Mr. Punch</i>,—I am only a dog, but as you have a dog of your own +you will be able to sympathise with me and understand my feelings. If +you don't, ask him and he will explain.</p> + +<p>My master tells me he is going to a place called The Front, and he seems +awfully pleased with the idea. But my mistress is not pleased at all, +though she tries to smile and look happy when he talks about it. All the +same, I have found her several times crying quietly by herself, and have +had to lick her face thoroughly all over in order to cheer her up.</p> + +<p>At first, when my master told me he was going to this mysterious place, +I simply barked and wagged my tail and jumped about, because, of course, +I thought I was going there too, and it doesn't matter to me where he +goes as long as I go with him. Imagine therefore my feelings when it +gradually leaked out that I was to be left behind. When the truth dawned +upon me I was so upset that I lay for a whole day on the doorstep in a +dazed condition, whilst several cats <i>who knew me well</i> came and washed +themselves carefully right under my nose. I hardly saw them, though of +course I couldn't help smelling them.</p> + +<p>You see, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, what made me feel so very bad was that I had found +out something about The Front from other dogs. It appears that it is a +very dangerous place, full of what they call Germans, where he would +need <i>me</i> to look after him much more than he does at home. Why then not +take me? I cannot understand it at all. I can fight. Ask the dog at the +house at the corner of our road what he thinks, and just take a look at +his ears. They speak for themselves.</p> + +<p>Then, again, I can hear and smell a great deal better than my master, +and could keep watch while he is asleep (I am told he will have to sleep +in a ditch!), and after one or two sniffs and bites I should soon learn +to tell a German.</p> + +<p>In time of danger the place of every English dog is by his master's +side, and he doesn't mind dying there either. Can't you help us to get +to The Front with our masters?</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours faithfully,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Very Sad Dog.</span></p> + +<p>P.S.—I enclose untouched one of the most delicious bones I have ever +smelt—not necessarily for publication but as a guarantee of good faith.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Men from Blankley's.</h4> + +<center> +MATES GIVEN FOR<br /> +Dinner Parties.<br /> +Dance Suppers.<br /> +Wedding Receptions.<br /> +At Homes. +</center> + +<p class="author">"<i>Advt. in Clifton Society.</i>"</p> + +<p>A boon for the harassed hostess.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE OPPORTUNISTS.</h2> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">'Tis a strange portent of the war</p> +<p class="i2">That every advertiser</p> +<p class="i0">Desires to be indebted for</p> +<p class="i2">His income to the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>;</p> +<p class="i4">At all events</p> +<p class="i0">He's got the goods for military gents.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"<i>Pypp's Playing-cards</i>," we learn, "dispel</p> +<p class="i2">The longest siege's tedium."</p> +<p class="i0">"Tin of Tobacco turns a shell—</p> +<p class="i2">Great feat by <i>Mascot</i> (medium)."</p> +<p class="i4">"No ally feels</p> +<p class="i0">Hungry or tired who carries <i>Ponk's Pastilles</i>."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"The nicest present you can get</p> +<p class="i2">To soothe the soldier's nerve is</p> +<p class="i0">Our <i>Black Maria</i> cigarette—</p> +<p class="i2">The best for active service!"</p> +<p class="i4">"All haversacks</p> +<p class="i0">Should carry lumps of <i>Entente</i> sealing-wax."</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Ask for our <i>French equivalent</i></p> +<p class="i2"><i>Of British Oaths</i>. The French is</p> +<p class="i0">More chic. A pretty compliment</p> +<p class="i2">To <i>Piou-Piou</i> in the trenches!</p> +<p class="i4">A boon untold</p> +<p class="i0">To Indian colonels suffering from the cold!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p>"Both persons have been taken prisoners and sent to Medan, where +they will be fried for having broken Holland's neutrality."</p> +<p class="author"><i>Provinciale Groninger Courant.</i></p></blockquote> +<p>A severe, but perhaps necessary, lesson.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_464" id="Page_464">[Pg 464]</a></span> + +<h2>A SPORTING DESPATCH.</h2> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>From William Wheezle, K.G. (Keeper of Game), addressed to our own +Subaltern at the Front, and describing the operations of the Allied +Forces in and round the West Wood and the Middle Planting, November, +1914.</i>]</p></blockquote> + +<p>Sir,—I have the honour to report that on Saturday last the Allied +Forces advanced, as soon as they could be got out of bed, in the +direction of the West Wood. The troops under my command, or supposed to +be under my command, were drawn chiefly from the Old Fogey Division. In +addition to the Household Extremely Heavy Infantry, there were two +battalions of the 160th London Potterers (the "Puff Hards"), specially +summoned from Pall Mall to act with us. These battalions, under the +command of Colonel Bowindow, D.S.O., fully maintained the noble +traditions that attach to their name. There were also two regiments of +unmounted cavalry, the 210th (Flannel Feet) and the 306th Purple Lancers +(Buster's Own). These sections declined to co-operate unless provided +with shooting ponies.</p> + +<p>Circumstances unfortunately deprived me of the assistance of other +contingents, such as the Dog-potters, upon which I had in previous years +been able to depend. At Westwood our troops deployed, and a hostile +demonstration on the part of the enemy, signalled by loud von clucks, +kept us thoroughly on the alert. They found our range very quickly, a +good deal more quickly, indeed, than we found theirs; but as they +advanced closer their casualties became more numerous. On the whole the +result of this action was not unsatisfactory. After a short march +through the bracken we occupied a well-chosen position in open country, +our troops availing themselves of such cover as offered, though some of +them took a good deal of concealing. A violent general engagement +ensued, and for some time the firing was continuous. The enemy's losses +were serious, a frontal attack in close formation and at a moderate pace +being attended with great disaster. The Potterers, after taking some +time to bring their guns into action, kept up a constant and, as they +assured me, effective fire.</p> + +<p>Reports having been received that the enemy were holding the Middle +Planting in strength, I decided to manœuvre in that direction. There +was an affair of outposts in the course of the march, Colonel Bowindow +bravely engaging a strongly entrenched rabbit. There was no actual loss +of life, the rabbit retiring in good order, but its <i>moral</i> is, I +understand, seriously shaken if not completely shattered. It +subsequently succeeded in digging itself deeper in, and took no further +part in the day's operations.</p> + +<p>Before attempting to dislodge the main body of the enemy our forces took +cover in open order under an adjacent hedge. With scarcely any delay +large numbers of the enemy appeared above the top of the wire +entanglements, the rapidity of their movements taking our artillery by +surprise. Our gunners, however, served their pieces with regularity and +determination until the enemy were reported to be in full retreat. Their +casualties were few, chiefly owing to the speed at which their movements +were conducted, and only amounted to one wounded, or said to be. Two +more were alleged to be missing, but have probably by this time rejoined +their regiments. The expenditure of ammunition during this skirmish was +great.</p> + +<p>At the battle of Middle Planting, which followed, the enemy suffered +severely. Our encircling movement was capably carried out and our +high-angle fire was very effective. On our left flank Colonel Buster +found himself at one time almost completely enveloped by hares, but in +this critical situation he handled his guns promptly, and in repulsing +the adversary suffered no loss except that of his temper. That he did +not inflict more damage was, according to his own statement, due to the +fact that the opposing forces, when they saw him preparing to develop +his attack, kept at a prudent distance. During this engagement numerous +wood-taubes were sighted flying over our position, but at such a height +that it was impossible, or appeared to be impossible, to bring them +down.</p> + +<p>Rations were then served out, the commissariat being under the able +direction of Major Domo. The quality of the supplies was satisfactory, +nor was there any real shortage, if I may judge from the report +(received by me after lunch from General Torpor, in temporary command) +that our troops were incapable of advancing, or indeed of any movement +at all.</p> + +<p>Later.—On waking up we made a forced march in the direction of Mudford +Village and occupied a wide front, the considerable spaces between units +rendering our operations less hazardous to each other. A flanking +movement upon the line Stubblefield-Tenacre-Turniptops was attended with +some success, though several entire Army Corps of the enemy succeeded in +extricating themselves without disaster. Nor were we able to come in +touch with them again before darkness set in, and the Allied Forces +retired, highly pleased with themselves, to their base, in the immediate +neighbourhood of Auction Bridge.</p> + +<p class="regards">I have the honour to be, Sir,<br /> +Your obedient Servant,</p> +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">William Wheezle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WAR'S REVENGES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>A True Story.</i>)</center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">This War has done many wonderful things;</p> +<p class="i0">It has altered our views of Kaisers and Kings,</p> +<p class="i0">And quite discounted the stern rebukes</p> +<p class="i0">Of those who anathematized Grand Dukes.</p> +<p class="i0">It has hurled from many a lofty pinnacle</p> +<p class="i0">The self-sufficient and the cynical;</p> +<p class="i0">And revised the judgments we once held true</p> +<p class="i0">In various ways that are strange and new.</p> +<p class="i0">For instance, the other day there came</p> +<p class="i0">To see me, the same yet not the same,</p> +<p class="i0">A former office boy, whom once</p> +<p class="i0">I wholly misread as a Cockney dunce,</p> +<p class="i0">Who only cared for music-hall tunes—</p> +<p class="i0">And who went and 'listed in the Dragoons.</p> +<p class="i0">His khaki was much the worse for wear,</p> +<p class="i0">Soiled and crumpled and needing repair,</p> +<p class="i0">And he hadn't unlearned since his office days</p> +<p class="i0">His gruff laconic turn of phrase.</p> +<p class="i0">So I had to drag it out by degrees</p> +<p class="i0">That he hadn't been in the lap of ease,</p> +<p class="i0">But from Mons to Ypres, out at the Front,</p> +<p class="i0">Had helped to bear the battle's brunt.</p> +<p class="i0">Rest? Well, they had to do without it;</p> +<p class="i0">But he didn't make a song about it.</p> +<p class="i0">Last three weeks he'd never been dry;</p> +<p class="i0">A sniper had shot him through the thigh;</p> +<p class="i0">But his wound had healed, he was right as rain</p> +<p class="i0">And anxious to get to the Front again.</p> +<p class="i0">So there he stood, erect, serene,</p> +<p class="i0">Unshaken by all he had suffered and seen,</p> +<p class="i0">And ready once more at his Country's call</p> +<p class="i0">To leave his wife, his home, his all.</p> +<p class="i0">And I, as I thought of what he had done,</p> +<p class="i0">And the arm-chair band (of which I am one),</p> +<p class="i0">Elderly scribblers, who can't even drill,</p> +<p class="i0">And are only good at driving a quill—</p> +<p class="i0">Humbled and shamed to my inmost core</p> +<p class="i0">I wished I could drop clean through the floor.</p> +<p class="i0">For the tables were turned; I stood at zero,</p> +<p class="i0">And the office boy was a full-blown hero.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_465" id="Page_465">[Pg 465]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/465.png"> +<img src="images/465.png" width="100%" alt="Inspector. "Well, what's your little grumble"" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Inspector.</i> <span class="smcap">"Well, what's your little grumble?"</span></p> +<p><i>Constable.</i> <span class="smcap">"Beg pardon, Sir, but just because I look a bit like a +German me life 'as become a burden. People say, 'I shouldn't wonder if +'e wasn't a sheep in lion's clothes.'"</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ANOTHER MISJUDGED ALIEN.</h2> + +<p>Clarence (who pulls the path roller) says there's a Society for the +Maintenance of Horses' Rights. I wish there was one for the Abolition of +Eagles' Wrongs. I am an eagle, the handsomest eagle in the Zoo, and I +sometimes wish I were a sparrow. Moult me, but I've even wished I were +stuffed. And all because the authorities won't change my label. It's +true the notice they've put on my cage telling people to keep their +children from the bars has stopped the young brutes from shooting me +with peas and monkey nuts, but it can't save my feelings, and all +because—but there! this is how my own particular official label runs:—</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Imperial Eagle.<br /> +Schodderstoghardtmeissen. Deposited.</span></center> + +<p>You can imagine the situation. How in the firmament am I to tell the +public that Schodderstoghardtmeissen is a craggy headland on the coast +of Norway, and not in the least associated with Germany or +Austria—places I never heard of till but recently. But ever since the +men in khaki first made their appearance in the Gardens some four months +ago a most extraordinary undercurrent of opprobrious criticism has crept +into the public's conversation, that public once so full of admiration +for my noble bearing—unless it saw me walk; for which reason I don't +come off my pedestal in public hours if I can help it. But now the +mildest visitors seem to hold themselves under a moral obligation to +connect me in some manner with what Clarence calls the "present crisis."</p> + +<p>Sixpenny days are my worst. "<i>There's</i> the German eagle!" says the +crowd. I can't even sit in my water trough without being told I'm +"entrenching" myself.</p> + +<p>Only last chicken's-neck day (we dine alternately on poultry +and—er—the joint) an old lady paused before my quarters and, her head +on one side, murmured musingly: "Yet I always thought the Austrian eagle +had two heads, but perhaps I'm thinking of the unicorn." Half an hour +later a party stopped in front of me, and one of them says: "Them +Jermins didn't deserve a noble-looking bird like 'im to represent 'em, +did they, Hemelie? Something with scales and bat's wings 'ud be more +appropriate, I <i>don't</i> think." "Yes, an' a drunkard's liver," chimes in +another, and then they all laughed. Scr-e-e-e-e-e-ak!!</p> + +<p>Even the regular visitors are no better. The stout old gentleman—an +editor and an F.Z.S., if you please—who used to get Michael, my valet, +to let him see me from the private window, just glares at me over the +top of his newspaper and mutters, "Hah! my fine bird, you're coming off +your perch head-first before many months are over." And the newspaper +cameraman, who used to take my portrait whilst Michael fed me with +tit-bits—last week he caught me warming my spread wings in a little +patch of sunlight. "Just the stuff," he twittered, as he struggled with +his camera. "Great wheeze! Splendid snap for a full-page—'<span class="smcap">His Place in +the Sun</span>.'" It wasn't my fault if I didn't spoil the photograph.</p> + +<p>The very latest is a rumour that my right wing is likely to be crumpled +up. And the griffin vulture next door, who saw something of the +sanatorium when he swallowed a lighted cigar-end in mistake for a +glow-worm, hopes they'll give me chloroform. It's also whispered that +I'm moulting, but that, I <i>know</i>, isn't true.</p> + +<p>Well, I suppose it must all end one day. As it is, I find myself looking +back longingly to the time when to the public I was just an eagle and a +king of birds. I can even remember with toleration the two simple souls +who once perched upon a garden-seat before my apartments. Said one, +"There y' are, M'ria. <i>There's</i> one of them armerdillers young Bert was +tellin' us about." And the other replied: "Why, don't you know no more +nat'ral 'ist'ry than that, Elfrid? <i>That</i> ain't a armadiller; that's a +'ummin'-bird!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_466" id="Page_466">[Pg 466]</a></span> + +<h2>TOMMY BROWN, AUCTIONEER.</h2> + +<p>Tommy Brown knows all about India. You see his father served out there, +and that is how Tommy knows so much. He says that everybody in India has +to have a bath once a year in the Ganges, and that there is a delta at +the mouth of the Ganges as big as Ireland.</p> + +<p>Tommy says it is very hot in the shade in India, but you needn't walk in +the shade unless you like. He showed me how an idol looked—it is like +when you come to the castor oil under the ginger wine.</p> + +<p>But it is about the Indian troops that I want to tell you. Tommy was +very pleased when they came, because he knows all about them. He likes +the Gherkins best, he says, because they are so hardy. Tommy says the +Gherkins can hold their breath for five minutes without going red in the +face, and that's why they can fight so well.</p> + +<p>He says they never want anything to eat, because they have a kind of a +twig that they chew, and then all they have to do is to keep tightening +their belts. Tommy gave me some of the twig they chew; it tasted like +cabbage. I didn't want anything more to eat all that day. Tommy had some +himself; he says now he doesn't think it was the right kind of twig. +Tommy told me that the Gherkins' mothers teach them to prowl when they +are very young, and that they are always prowling. Tommy showed me how +to prowl. You have to lie flat on your stomach, and wriggle about as if +you were swimming. He says it makes the Gherkins very hardy. They always +do it, Tommy says, even when they have a half-holiday. To do it properly +you have to breathe through the back of your throat and move your ears.</p> + +<p>When the <span class="smcap">King</span> went to India, Tommy says he was surprised at the +Gherkins. They used to prowl before him, and he was very glad. He said +they were very hardy.</p> + +<p>Tommy says they are very brave because they don't know what fear is; his +father told him that. He says no one has ever seen a Gherkin blub; if +they have to, they go and do it somewhere else.</p> + +<p>There is only one way you can kill them. Tommy knows the way, but he +daren't tell anyone.</p> + +<p>Tommy says that when they want to kill a man they prowl after him for +five miles, and then come back as silently as they went. He says it is +no good shooting at them, because they are not there.</p> + +<p>He showed me how they killed people. They come up behind you and catch +you round the neck, and it's no good saying, "Shut up," because they +don't understand English; then you make a noise like gargling for sore +throats, and that's how they know you are dead. It makes the people very +angry, Tommy says.</p> + +<p>If they take a dislike to anyone, you are sure to get killed, because +they prowl after you until they do. And when you come to look at the +dead man, you can see he has died a horrible death, and if you turn him +over there isn't a mark on him. You see he didn't hear them coming. +That's what Tommy Brown told me.</p> + +<p>Tommy says a Gherkin once saved his father's life by killing a snake. +Tommy's father gave the Gherkin a lot of money to put in his pocket, but +he wouldn't take it. The Gherkins don't have pockets, Tommy says.</p> + +<p>Tommy says, that if two Germans stood back to back to see who was the +taller, a Gherkin could cut through both of them with his two-handled +knife, and it would be done so quickly that neither of the Germans would +know which was killed first. They do it by practice, Tommy told me. They +always use two-handled knives, so that when they are tired with using +one handle they can use the other.</p> + +<p>You can never catch a Gherkin because on the slightest movement in the +bushes they throw a rope up into the air and climb up it, then they pull +the rope up after them.</p> + +<p>Tommy says that Gherkins wear turbots on their heads. He says that they +wear very few clothes, but they don't catch rheumatism because it is not +known there.</p> + +<p>When Tommy's mother told him that people were sending presents to the +Indian troops we had a meeting about it. We dug a deep trench in Tommy's +garden and held the meeting there; Tommy didn't want the Germans to +know.</p> + +<p>When we had dug the trench Tommy stood at one end, and I had to come up +to him and give him the sign we had arranged. You had to move your ears +and say "Gherkin," then you were admitted to the trench. It was because +of the German spies.</p> + +<p>We decided to get money for the Indian troops by selling Tommy's white +rats, and I was to lend Tommy my Jew's harp for a week as my share.</p> + +<p>Tommy sold the white rats in the playground after school. He stood on a +box near the fence. The man who lives next door thought Tommy was going +to climb over into his garden after a ball, and he said to Tommy, "My +steemy friend, you stay where you are."</p> + +<p>Tommy took no notice because his mother said the man had been to India +and brought back his liver and Tommy wasn't to listen.</p> + +<p>I bid fourpence for the two white rats; we had arranged that in the +trench.</p> + +<p>Tommy Brown said with lots of scorn, "Fourpence!!"—just like that. Then +he said the money was to go to buy things for the Indian troops, and +what would they think of fourpence? Old Jones minimus said sixpence when +he got his pocket-money on Saturday; then the Head came out to see what +the row was about. When Tommy Brown told him all about it, the Head bid +half-a-crown in a loud voice. We cheered, and just then the man who +lives next door and who brought his liver home from India shouted out +five shillings. Then the Headmaster said ten shillings. Tommy Brown had +to clutch hold of the rails. The man who lives next door went red in the +neck and bid a sovereign. Jones minimus began to blub when the Head bid +two pounds.</p> + +<p>The man who had been to India said: "My steemy Sir, it is no use; I bid +four pounds." I could see old Tommy Brown moving his ears like anything. +The Headmaster said: "The Gurkhas are some of the finest troops in the +world"—he meant Gherkins, but he was excited; then he said: "Five +Pounds, Tommy White, for the brown rats." The man who likes liver said +something we haven't got to listen to, and then Tommy fell off the box.</p> + +<p>"Knocked down at six pounds!" said the Headmaster, laughing; "we will +have one each." They both gave Tommy Brown three pounds and then shook +hands over the fence. Tommy says I needn't lend him my Jew's harp now.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Faint Praise.</h4> + +<blockquote><p>"The House of Commons was seen at its best to-day. The benches, it +is true, were more than all empty."—<i>Cork Constitution.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a letter to a school-teacher:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"I think as Eliza as the mumps. Pleas look at her throte and if she +as rub her jor well to tak away the stif feeling and oblig."</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<p>From War News in <i>The Peshawur Daily News</i>:—</p> + +<blockquote><p>"The 'Langford' knocked out the gunboat 'Smith' in three rounds."</p></blockquote> + +<p>How like a German gunboat (obviously "Schmidt") to disguise itself with +an English name.</p> + +<hr /> + +<center>"MISS JEFFERSON RECALLED IN BREACH SUIT."</center> + +<p class="author"><i>"Evening News" Headline.</i></p> + +<p>Although the defendant in this case was a cycle-dealer, we think that +these sudden changes of costume are liable to lead to confusion and +should, therefore, be forbidden.</p><br /> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_467" id="Page_467">[Pg 467]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/467.png"> +<img src="images/467.png" width="100%" alt="Officer on rounds near revolving light" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Officer</i> (<i>on rounds near revolving light</i>). <span class="smcap">"Anything +to report?"</span></p> +<p><i>Sentry.</i> <span class="smcap">"No, Sir; there's no muckle ta riporrt; but yon folks hae been +havin' a heap o' trouble wi' their light: it's gone oot twenty times in +the last oor."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stevenson</span>, in one of his Fables, imagines a court presided over by the +Great White Magistrate. It was a very brief session, and the novelist +did not again use the idea. Mr. <span class="smcap">Hugh Carton</span>, whose name, we are informed +by the wrapper of the book, that new and most trustworthy medium of +communication between the candid publisher (unwilling that merit should +shine unobserved) and the hesitating purchaser (who needs only the truth +to send his hand to his purse) is a pseudonym covering the identity of +"one of the leading clerics of our day," has however made a whole book +of it. In <i>The Grand Assize</i> (<span class="smcap">Heinemann</span>) Mr. <span class="smcap">Carton</span> imagines a Day of +Judgment, on which the careers and influences of a number of social +types are weighed and punishment inflicted—for all are guilty. The +Plutocrat, the Daughter of Joy, the Bookmaker, the Party Politician, the +Musical Comedy entrepreneur, the Agitator, even the Cleric (although +not, I am sure, he of the wrapper) are called to justice. Everything for +and against them is then said, either by themselves or the advocate, and +sentence is passed. The result is a book curiously rich in sympathy, +fearless and fine, and provocative of much thought. That it is in +essence a tract is nothing against it; for many of the best novels +belong to that genus, and <span class="smcap">Hogarth</span>, of whom now and then the reader is +forced to think, was a tractarian to the core. I take off my hat to +"<span class="smcap">Hugh Carton</span>" and wish that more parsons were as humane and +understanding as he.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Algernon Blackwood</span> seems as a writer to possess two quite distinct +literary methods. There is his style high-fantastical, which at its best +touches a kind of fairylike inspiration, unique and charming—the style, +for example, of <i>Jimbo</i>. Then, on a lower plane, there is the frankly +bogie creepiness of <i>John Silence</i>. Between the two he has created a +position for himself, half trickster, half wizard, that none else in +modern literature could fill. His new book, <i>Incredible Adventures</i> +(<span class="smcap">Macmillan</span>), is a combination of both methods. Four of the five +adventures are of the mystically gruesome kind, removed however from +being commonplace ghost-stories by a certain dignity of conception. It +is to be admitted that but for this dignity two at least would fall into +some peril of bathos. Take the first, <i>The Regeneration of Lord Ernie</i>, +in which a young tutor, bear-leading a spiritless scion of nobility +through Europe, brings his bored charge to a strange mountain village +where the inhabitants worship the forces of fire and wind. If you know +Mr. <span class="smcap">Blackwood's</span> work, as you surely do, I need not detail to you what +happens. Told as he tells it, at considerable, even undue, length, but +with a wonderful sense of the mysterious, of the feeling of the +wind-swept mountain and its roaring fires, the thing is undeniably +impressive. But in other less expert hands it would become ludicrous. +There is one tale of finer texture than the others. It is called +<i>Wayfarers</i>, and is a quite beautiful little fantasy on the old theme +that love is longer than life. This is what Mr. <span class="smcap">Blackwood</span> can do to +perfection. It redeems a volume that, for all its originality, does not +otherwise display his art quite at its best.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>Antarctic Adventure</i> (<span class="smcap">Fisher Unwin</span>), by <span class="smcap">Raymond E. Priestley</span>, tells the +story of <span class="smcap">Scott's</span> Northern party. That party, as you probably remember, +spent an unexpected winter underground, owing to the failure of the ship +to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_468" id="Page_468">[Pg 468]</a></span> relieve it. Its story was shortly told by its leader, Lieutenant +<span class="smcap">Campbell</span>, in <i>Scott's Last Expedition</i>—the official report of a sailor +to his commanding officer. Mr. <span class="smcap">Priestley</span> is more communicative. As one +of the famous six who went through it, he gives us, from his comfortable +rooms in Cambridge, the full tale of that extraordinary adventure. He +had a good angle of observation in the igloo, for it was he who doled +out the eight birthday lumps of sugar and the other few ridiculous +luxuries which relieved the monotony of seal. He was, in fact, the +commissariat officer. How he must have been loved—and hated! To what a +large extent also (one begins to realise) the ultimate safety of the +party must have been due to his management. I recommend to boys and +grown-ups a story as absorbing as <i>Robinson Crusoe</i>, and as heartening +to the pride of Englishmen as the other stories which we are hearing now +from places less remote. For boys in particular <i>The Voyages of Captain +Scott</i> (<span class="smcap">Smith Elder</span>) has been written by <span class="smcap">Charles Turley</span>, a compilation +excellently made from the original diaries; to which Sir <span class="smcap">J. M. Barrie</span> +has written a true <span class="smcap">Barrie</span> preface describing the boyhood of <span class="smcap">Scott</span>. I can +think of no better present for a nephew.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>The Woman in the Bazaar</i> (<span class="smcap">Cassell</span>), by Mrs. <span class="smcap">Perrin</span>, is a story of the +Anglo-Indian life in which she always moves at ease. It is <i>Captain +George Coventry's</i> first wife, the golden-haired and "phenomenally" (as +the newspaper-men will go on saying) innocent <i>Rafella</i> of the +high-perched Cotswold vicarage, who eventually finds her deplorable way +down to the Bazaar. If <i>George</i> (that beastly prig) at the psychological +moment of their first serious quarrel, instead of threatening and +laughing like a drunken man and reeling back into the room, had reeled +forward and gone into the matter quietly, the entirely virtuous, if +idiotic, <i>Rafella</i> would not have flown into the practised arms of that +unscrupulous barrister, <i>Kennard</i>, who, as everybody knew, had left a +mournful trail of dishonoured wives all over India, his legal knowledge +presumably saving him at once from the inconvenience of marrying his +victims and from the physical violence of outraged Anglo-Indian +chivalry. And when <i>George</i>, now a colonel and on the verge of a quarrel +with the second <i>Mrs. Coventry</i> about a young ass of a <i>tertium quid</i>, +caught sight of poor <i>Rafella</i> at a window in the Bazaar, he was so +genuinely upset that he rushed back to his wife, forgave her (nothing in +particular) and lived happily ever after. Which, of course, is just one +of those things that thrusts the avenging hatchet into the hand of the +Militant.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>I suppose that the "culture" (using this word in the strictly English +sense) of Streatham Hill may perhaps be a trifle thinner than that of +certain other suburbs, and, keeping this well in mind, I must try to +believe that <i>Candytuft—I mean Veronica</i> (<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>) is meant for +romantic comedy and is not a one-Act farce hastily expanded by its +author into three-hundred-page fiction form. The plot turns on a not +very serious marital estrangement. <i>C. I. M. V.</i> (she had called herself +<i>Veronica</i> suddenly one day after reading <span class="smcap">Ruskin</span>) decided that she must +have an intellectual companion and (rather daringly) that he must be of +the male sex. So her husband's best friend dressed himself up as a +fantastic and extremely repulsive-looking poet with a red wig and padded +waistcoat and indulged in fantastic rhodomantades in order to +disillusionise her. Well enough on the knock-about stage, of course. +But, if I am to treat <i>C. I. M. V.</i> from the mildly satiric standpoint, +which I fancy that <span class="smcap">Mabel Barnes-grundy</span> would prefer me to adopt, <i>Mr. +Shakespeare Waddilove</i> is rather a big mouthful to swallow, even if I +can accommodate my throat to the supposition that the lady would have +allowed her husband to choose her Platonic friend for her and promise +beforehand to give him a two months' trial. She did come from Streatham, +I know, before she went to live in the country; but still the trams run +all the way from Streatham to Charing Cross—and that padded waistcoat! +However there are some amusing passages in <i>Candytuft—I mean Veronica</i>, +and so I shut both eyes and gulped as hard as I could.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Do you know <i>Mrs. Shovell? Violet Ashwin</i> she was, and married young +<i>Charlie Shovell</i>, some sort of a publisher and really rather a nice +fool. She is an absolute dear. Gay and loyal and adorably kind. No, not +a bit sentimental. Shy and yet has a way with her, and, thank Heaven, +not the least bit of a scalp-hunter. We did think that <i>Master Charles</i>, +who was distinctly by way of being a philanderer, mightn't perhaps run +quite straight. But she's done wonders with him. Might I introduce you? +Certainly? Then get <i>Duke Jones</i> (<span class="smcap">Sidgwick and Jackson</span>), by <span class="smcap">Ethel +Sidgwick</span>. She's entirely responsible for these nice people, and for +<i>Lady Ashwin, Violet's</i> utter beast of a mother, and <i>Sir Claude</i>, that +brick of a man and doctor, and insufferable <i>Honoria</i> and naughty +bewitching <i>Lisette</i>, who came badly to grief and was pulled out of a +really rotten hole by <i>Jones. E. M. Jones</i> (<i>M</i> for <i>Marmaduke</i>) was the +fellow who worshipped <i>Violet</i> at sight and was ever after her faithful +dog.... I've put down this book with real regret. I can't help worrying +as to whether there really is such a person as <i>Violet</i> because I might +have the fortune to meet her. Really, Miss <span class="smcap">Sidgwick</span> has an extraordinary +power of making you feel friends (or bitter enemies) with her puppets, +who aren't puppets at all. I've had the bad luck to miss <i>A Lady of +Leisure</i>, to which <i>Duke Jones</i> is a sequel, but I'll readily take the +responsibility of advising you to get it first.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Those who do not accept Archbishop <span class="smcap">Lang's</span> view that the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span> is too +sacred a subject for mirth should spend sixpence and a quarter of an +hour on <i>Keep Smiling</i> (<span class="smcap">Nash</span>). In dealing with the inexhaustible theme +of <span class="smcap">William's</span> Lie Factory, Messrs. <span class="smcap">Walter Emanuel</span> and <span class="smcap">John Hassall</span> are at +their best.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/468.png"> +<img src="images/468.png" width="100%" alt="Sergeant Instructor" /></a><br /><br /> +<p><i>Sergeant Instructor.</i> <span class="smcap">"What's yer name?"</span></p> +<p><i>Sir Angelo Frampington, R.A.</i> <span class="smcap">"Frampington."</span></p> +<p><i>Sergeant.</i> <span class="smcap">"Well, 'old yer 'ead up, Frampington."</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 2, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29351-h.htm or 29351-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/5/29351/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 147, December 2, 1914 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: July 8, 2009 [EBook #29351] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 147 + + * * * * * + + DECEMBER 2, 1914. + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +The KAISER, we hear, has had much pleasure in not bestowing the Iron +Cross on Herr MAXIMILIEN HARDEN, the editor of _Zukunft_, who, in a +recent article, suggested that the Germans should give up the pretence +that they did not begin the War. + + * * * + +Mr. CECIL CHISHOLM, in his biography of our Commander-in-Chief, draws +attention to the fact that both Sir JOHN FRENCH and General JOFFRE are +square men. This, no doubt, accounts for the difficulty the enemy has in +getting round them. + + * * * + +The author also mentions that the subject of his biography is known as +"Lucky French," though few persons understand the full appropriateness +of the epithet. It was Sir JOHN LUCK who first gave him a chance of +distinguishing himself. + + * * * + +"Before Christmas," says a German journal, "Londoners will have become +familiar with the spectacle of seeing their public buildings guarded by +German blue-jackets." This, of course, must refer to the interior of our +prisons. + + * * * + +We hear that as a result of the raid by British airmen on the Zeppelin +base at Friedrichshaven, the place has now been placarded with notices +announcing that foreign aeroplanes are _verboten_ there. + + * * * + +It is announced that the proposal at Lewisham to change the name of +Berlin Road has been rejected by the residents. This is unfortunate, as +the only effect can be to put fresh heart into the Germans. + + * * * + +The Russians having objected to being called a steam roller, the London +and North Western Railway have tactfully taken their fast engine +"Teutonic" and re-christened her "The Tsar." + + * * * + +The Russians succeeded, a few days ago, in catching the _Goeben_ +napping. Apparently the motto of the Turkisch Navy is "Let lying dogs +sleep." + + * * * + +A writer in _The Daily Chronicle_ suggests that cats, with their +marvellous homing instincts, might be used for the carriage of messages +in the same way as pigeons. Not quite in the same way, perhaps; though +cases of flying cats have occurred. We know one, for instance, that flew +at a dog only the other day. + + * * * + +"EYE-WITNESS" has remarked that the Germans in France are now equipped +with a gun which is quite silent. As a result of this statement a number +of men who had hitherto held back as being subject to headaches are now +rushing to enlist. + + * * * + +The advertisement of a new rifle gallery in Dublin runs as +follows:--"Learn to shoot at the Dublin Rifle School. The object is to +teach every man to shoot irrespective of political views." The old order +changeth. Formerly, no doubt, the rifles were sighted in one way for +Unionists and in another for Nationalists. + + * * * + +The watchmaking industry in Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland, has, it is +stated, already suffered a loss of L700,000 since the outbreak of the +war. This is attributed entirely to the competition of the Watch on the +Rhine. + + * * * + +With reference again to the Silent Guns which the Germans claim to have +invented, it is only fair to point out that, before they were heard of, +English artillery-men had silenced many of the noisy ones. + + * * * + + "FREE PASSES AND OVER-CROWNING." + +_Evening Standard._ + +There was some excuse for this misprint, for the offence complained of +took place at the Coronation Picture Palace. + + * * * + +CAUTION.--The members of the Old Boys Corps simply hate being called +"Old B.C.s." + + * * * * * + +Plucky little Wales again! Russia may have her Przemysl, but it +transpired in certain police-court proceedings last week that Glamorgan +has her Ynysybwl. We would suggest that the competition should now stop. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Recruiting Sergeant._ "WANT TO JOIN THE CAVALRY, DO YOU? +KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HORSES?" + +_Applicant._ "WOT--ME? THREE WINNERS AND A SECOND YESTERDAY! LUMME, +GUV'NOR! WOT DO YOU THINK?" + + * * * * * + +THE RECRUITING PROBLEM SOLVED. + +The recruiting problem would surely be solved easily if Lord KITCHENER +would send for _Captain Desmond, V.C._, and his legions from Lahore. It +will be remembered that in a polo tournament at that military station +_Captain Desmond_ and his team reached the final after "they had fought +their way, inch by inch, through eight-and-twenty matches." (Ch. XVI., +_Captain Desmond, V.C._, by MAUD DIVER.) If we generously assume that +the hero's team played in the only tie in the first round the rest being +byes--we arrive at the result that there were 268,435,457 teams or +1,073,741,828 men playing. Might not just a small percentage of these, +if brought over to France, decide the issue at once in favour of the +Allies? Some of the four or five billion ponies might also be utilised +for remounts and for transport. Nor should the committee which +successfully managed this tournament be lost sight of. They showed a +power of organisation which could scarcely fail to be of use now at the +War Office. + + * * * * * + + "Rosa pulled off her hat as she spoke, throwing it carelessly on the + bed, and she laughed nosily."--_Ottawa Citizen._ + +This is generally supposed to be an American habit. + + * * * * * + +A censored letter from a correspondent at the Front tells us that the +most popular song with our Troops is the following:-- + + "It's a long way to ----, + It's a long way to go; + It's a long way to ----, + To the sweetest ---- I know, + Goodbye ----, farewell ----; + It's a long, long way to ---- + But my heart's right ----." + +It will be interesting to hear further details as soon as they can be +divulged without giving the position away to the Enemy. + + * * * * * + +TO THE NEUTRAL NATIONS. + + If you elect to stay outside + And run no risk, on shore or sea, + Where men for all men's sake have died + In this the War of Liberty + (The same whose figure points the pilot's way, + Larger than life, in New York Bay);-- + + If you prefer to fold your hands + And watch us, at your guarded ease, + Straining our strength to sweep the lands + Clean of a deadly foul disease, + Which must, unless our courage find a cure, + Fall on your children, swift and sure;-- + + Stay out by all means; none shall ask + The help that your free will declined; + We'll bear as best we may the task + That duty's call to us assigned; + And you shall reap, ungrudged, in happier years + The harvest of our blood and tears. + + Only--when this long fight is done, + And, breathing Freedom's purer air, + You share the vantage we have won-- + Think not the honour, too, to share; + The honour shall be theirs and theirs alone + By whom the thrall was overthrown. + + Meanwhile a boon: if not your swords, + Give us your sympathy at need; + Show us the friendship which affords + At least to let its pockets bleed; + And get your tradesmen kindly to forgo + Their traffic with a common foe. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +HISTORY'S REPETITIONS. + + [_It may be interesting to compare modern war items with some which + have been culled from our own contemporary records of the past._] + +From _The Early British Weekly, circ._ 50 B.C.:-- + +The Chief Druid's Fund to provide woad for our gallant troops at the +Front continues to progress. + +Tried yesterday for flint-and-steel signalling to the enemy, a Roman spy +was convicted and axed. + +News from Rome continues to show that the capital of the enemy is +growing very uneasy. A force of special lictors has been enrolled to +keep order in the event of a popular rising. + +An account of the fighting by an Eye-Witness with the Headquarters of +CASSIVELAUNUS appears on another page. + +From _The Saxon Chronicle_, 878 A.D.:-- + +KING ALFRED has given his patronage to a scheme for sending comforts to +our troops in the trenches. Contributions are already pouring in, and it +is said that the KING was particularly touched by a gift of +confectionery from the wife of a humble neatherd. + +From _The Saxon Standard_, 1065 A.D.:-- + +The Norman Lie Factory continues to try to frighten us by means of +invasion stories. The latest tale of terror is to the effect that a +great army is to be landed at Hastings before we know where we are. We +are to be crushed under the mailed fist of Normandy. The General Staff +of KING HAROLD can, we think, be trusted to deal with such +dangers--_when_ they come. + + * * * * * + +UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER. + +NO. IX. + +(_From General VON BERNHARDI._) + +ALL-HIGHEST WAR LORD,--To have received from you a letter written in +your own gracious and weapon-bearing hand is an honourable privilege, +under the weight of which many a General might have felt his knees +tremble, and I confess that I too, though used to your Majesty's +kindnesses, have not been unmoved. + +Your Majesty asks me what I now think of this war of mine--I quote your +words--and goes on to insinuate that in some measure the humble books +that I have from time to time written, and the conversations I have held +with your supreme self and with others, are responsible for what is now +taking place in France, Flanders, and the Eastern seat of war. This +insinuation I must with all my strength repudiate. It is true that I +have been an advocate of war. For the Germans it was necessary that war +should be the object of their policy in order that when the hour struck +they might be able to attack their foes under the most favourable +conditions and conquer them in the shortest possible time. But in saying +this I made myself merely the echo of your Majesty's speeches and the +faithful interpreter of your august mind. When you in words of matchless +eloquence spoke of the mailed fist and bade your recruits shoot their +parents rather than disobey their Kaiser, a humble General like myself +could not go far wrong if he supposed that the thought of war was +constantly in your Imperial mind. No other nation, I knew, had the +purpose of attacking us, and I assumed therefore that if we were to gain +the world-power at which we aimed we must be ready to attack other +nations. Everything, however depended on the conditions and the moment. + +As for a war begun, as this war was begun, in a sudden fit of temper, I +must use frankness with your Majesty and say that I never contemplated +it. War against France--yes; and war against Russia, if needs must be, +though even then I deny that we ought to have made ourselves the mere +instrument of Austrian ambitions and allowed ourselves to be dragged +into danger for the _beaux yeux_ of the Ballplatz. But to manage things +so ill as to make it certain that England must declare against us and +that Italy must refuse to help us--this, indeed, was the master-stroke +of stupidity. Your Majesty will, no doubt, say that this was the fault +of BETHMANN-HOLLWEG and VON JAGOW, but I am not sure that you yourself +must not share with them the responsibility, for it was you who lost +your head and gave the final word--which, of course, no one else could +have given. You could have spared Belgium and kept England out of the +war, so as to deal with her alone at a later date, but you took the bit +between your autocratic teeth, and, alas, there was nobody who could +stop you. + +I say again, this is not my war. I never imagined it or planned it in +this way, and I decline to be made responsible for it. I wanted a war +that might be quickly prosperous and as safe for Germany as any war can +be--a war of which we might keep the management in our own hands with +great profit to ourselves. But now, though only four months have passed, +we have lost the reins and Fate has taken them up and is directing the +course of things. When that happens anything may happen. It is useless, +therefore, to turn round and make accusations which are not founded in +reason. My system was a good one and is still good, but it cannot now be +used. There is nothing for it now except to continue hammering with our +heads against a stone wall, which is not an agreeable occupation even +when the heads are German. + + Your Majesty's faithful subject, + + VON BERNHARDI. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: MEN OF FEW WORDS. + +GRAND DUKE NICHOLAS. "CA MARCHE?" + +GENERAL JOFFRE. "ASSEZ BIEN. ET CHEZ VOUS?" + +GRAND DUKE. "PAS MAL." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_Small Visitor._ "AND HOW IS YOUR MOTHER, PENELOPE?" + +_Penelope._ "THANK YOU, POOR MUMMIE'S A BIT BELOW HERSELF THIS +MORNING--WHAT WITH THE COOK AND THE KAISER." + + * * * * * + +THE WATCH DOGS. + +VIII. + +Dear Charles,--We have got a move on at last. We don't know where we are +going or why we are going or even if we are really going at all. It may +be that we are on our way to the Continent; it may be that we are on our +way to the coast to assume the defensive; it may be that the authorities +are pulling our legs and are watching from behind the hedges _en route_ +to see how we take it. We march on till we are told to stop. We stop +till we are told to march on. + +I was, as you know, in London on Sunday. Having had a trying week I +sought a change of air to recuperate my health, I also sought to recover +my self-respect by being saluted in my native parks. Full of the good +things of this world I returned in the evening to ---- + +[_Censor._ Now then, don't you give it away. + +_Myself._ But, dash it all, he knows where I'd come from. + +_Censor._ That may be, but it's not to get about where you are. + +_Myself._ But I'm not there now. I'm at---- + +_Censor._ H'sh.] + +I got to my little nest (anonymous) at 10.30 P.M. and found the +following among other orders awaiting me: "Company Officers will hold +their companies in readiness to move at short notice." "Will they?" I +asked, and leapt lightly into my bed; never a wise thing to do when your +bed consists of a stick or two and a bit of canvas ... I was collecting +myself on the floor when a corporal came in, wearing that significant, +nay sinister, look which corporals assume when they bring messages from +orderly room. Having cursed him roundly for the collapse of my bed (in +military life you may curse anybody for anything, provided he is an +inferior) I told him to proceed and let me know the worst. "We move at 8 +A.M., Sir," said he. "And what is it now?" I asked. "11.5 P.M., Sir," +said he. "Then," said I, "I have under nine hours to pack up all my +goods, dividing them into those which I shall carry myself on my +for-light-articles-only back, those which the transport will carry and +those which I shall leave here for Providence to send home; to inspect +my half-company, its feet, its rifles, its packs, its kit-bags and the +thousand-and-one other things which are its; to feed my men and myself +and gather together a day's ration for both of us and to attend to all +those little odds and ends which will inevitably crop up when one is +about to leave one's headquarters and never see them again. All this +must be done by 8 A.M. you say?" "The battalion will march to the +rendezvous at 7.15, Sir," said he. "Reveille 5.30, breakfast at 6.30, +and sick parade at 6.45," he concluded, adding, with sarcasm more +effective than any of my own, "Good night, Sir." + +I went straight to sleep. What else could I do? Obviously the suggested +programme was impossible of completion in the time allotted; why then +attempt it? I decided to obey orders: to reveille at 5.30, breakfast at +6.30, and then to start getting ready and continue doing so till called +for. If the worst came to the worst, I should become a sick man and +parade accordingly. It struck me as I dozed off that in civil life the +very last thing an invalid would attempt would be to parade. + +In supposing that I should at least be thorough about my sleep, I +reckoned without my old though not always welcome friend, Banner. His +view is that when a crisis arrives it is up to the people involved to be +at least busy, if not worse. To him commotion is essential, and he has +always distrusted our adjutant because the only thing he did on +receiving telegraph orders to mobilize was to send out an orderly for a +hundred cigarettes and a _Daily Mirror_. When Lieutenant Banner receives +orders he at once puts his cap on, pushes it to the back of his head and +passes a weary hand across a worried brow. When he has confused himself +to the top of his bent he searches round for other victims. On this +Sunday night ill luck directed his footsteps to my billet; seeing me in +bed, he became positively aghast, though I firmly believe he was +inwardly delighted to discover so depressing a sight. + +You may imagine the colloquy that ensued; how he repeated to me, with a +nice sense of climax, the news which I had already received from the +corporal. "It is impossible to do it," said he. "Quite," said I, turning +on my other side. "But good heavens, man, you're not going to _sleep_?" +he asked. "I'm going to have a try," I told him. The result of the +business was that Banner eventually did all my packing for me, feeling, +no doubt, that I should be left behind if he didn't. Of course he was +left behind himself. Really, I suppose, I ought to be very grateful to +the dear old fellow; but I have the feeling that, if he had stayed away, +I should have had my sleep and every thing would have arranged itself in +the meantime, and would have arranged itself _rightly_. + +We marched forth at break of day from that town where we have been +stationed the last three months, and it shows how unavailing are these +precautions for secrecy when I tell you that the local tailor was up and +about before dawn collecting his unpaid accounts notwithstanding. Since +then we have slept in hay-lofts, and sometimes in eligible villas, +knowing the dignity and pleasure of the white sheet again. Our +willy-nilly hosts are all firmly convinced that we want conversation +confined to the more gruesome experiences of their friends and relations +who have got mixed up in this war, but otherwise they are kindness +itself. At the house I at present inhabit it is found absolutely +essential that the father and the mother, three daughters, two +maidservants, the nurse, and even, I believe, the infant son, should +rise from their beds at 5 o'clock when reveille is, at the whim of the +G.O.C., put at that unforgivable hour. It is only myself who may lie +a-bed till six! + +Well, Charles, I'll let you know in due course what becomes of me, that +is if I ever know myself. I see little more of the business than the +backs of the files marching ahead of me, and even if I discover the +names of our resting-places I have generally forgotten them in the haste +of our departure. I met a man who had returned from the Continent itself +and I asked him where he had been and how he got his wound. He admitted +frankly that he didn't know; in fact, he said, he'd been back in England +for three weeks now and no one had ever let him know whether he had been +at the front or not. If they don't inform you as to your present or your +past, how can you expect to be informed as to your future? Thus I may at +this moment be marching forward to Belgium, or I may be merely moving to +another home station, or it may all be a test of my power and +organization and I may be making a wide circle which will bring me back +one fine morning to my original starting-place, Tiddilyumpton. + +Drop it all, a soldier ought to be told whether he is going to war or +not. It would make it so much easier to know what attitude to adopt to +the schoolchildren who cheer him as he marches past. + + Yours, + + HENRY. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _The Victor_ (_after being admonished for un-scoutlike +behaviour_). "WELL, YOU MAY SAY WHAT YOU LIKE, SIR, BUT I CONSIDER IT +DISTINCTLY SUBVERSIVE OF DISCIPLINE FOR AN ORDINARY PRIVATE TO CALL HIS +PATROL-LEADER 'TOFFEE-NOSE.'" + + * * * * * + + "In its issue of 22nd instant our estimable contemporary, 'La Patria + degli Italiani,' published a magnificent translation of the latest + poem of Rudyard Kipling: 'Rule Britannia.'"--_Buenos Aires + Standard._ + +Wait till you read ROBERT BRIDGES' new work, "God Save the King." + + * * * * * + +WAR MEMENTOES. + +A thoughtful and far-reaching suggestion toward the better regulation of +the currency has been made by a Mr. JAMES INNES C. ROGER. He writes to +the Press in the following terms:--"It has lately struck me that a +silver 10_s._ piece might be introduced during the war instead of (or in +addition to) the paper notes now current. Although these might be +objected to on the ground of size and weight, they would be interesting +as a memento of the great war, especially if the obverse side bore, say, +a representation of the British Fleet in action." + +It seems to us that this would provide a delightful little game for the +Government, which probably has not much else to do at present, and we do +not see how the proposed coins could possibly be objected to on the +grounds mentioned above. On the contrary they would be most useful in a +variety of ways in which the sixpence and threepenny bit are of no +service whatever. In thoroughly honest households they could be employed +as letter-weights or for practising the discus-throw for the next +Olympic Games (if any), or for keeping open a swing door while a +tea-tray is carried through. We hope the idea will be vigorously +followed up. A 15/-piece representing the British Army crossing the +Aisne River under fire would be certain to be popular, as also would a +17/6 piece showing the arrival of the Indian Troops at Marseilles. + +Something, too, might be done with our stamps. Concrete gun emplacements +would look very well on the five-shilling stamp, and the desired effect +of secrecy could be obtained by printing them on the back; while we +would suggest for the penny stamp a design of a muffler or a mitten with +crossed knitting needles in each corner. At the same time an important +step could be taken toward popularizing the postal order, by printing on +the obverse side of it in red the whole of the first verse of "It's a +long way to Tipperary." + +We only throw out these suggestions for what they are worth. Like Mr. +ROGER himself our sole idea is to contribute something really useful to +the pregnant deliberations of the hour. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer_ (_commanding skirmishing party_). "VERY SORRY +TO PUT YOU OFF YOUR GAME, SIR; BUT WE HAD TO COME ACROSS HERE." + +_Golfer._ "DON'T MENTION IT, SIR. IT MAKES ME FEEL I'VE DONE MY BIT." + + * * * * * + +BOOK TRADE GOSSIP. + + (_The following communication has been submitted to our own Special + Censor, who takes the responsibility of contradicting it in every + particular. Subject to this, he has no objection to publication._) + +Paternoster Row. + +In spite of the drastic regulations against dealing with the enemy it is +to be feared that books from British publishing houses continue to find +their way into German hands. During the early days of the invasion of +Belgium an unprecedented demand for _How to Collect Old Furniture_ arose +in neutral countries, accompanied by enquiries for similar works dealing +with silver plate, pictures and bijoutry. Suspicion respecting the +ultimate destination of these books is strengthened by the fact that of +late the demand has given place to urgent requests for stilts, +wading-boots, and "water-wings"--a class of goods in which Paternoster +Row is not keenly interested. + + * * * + +The esteemed _Berliner Tageblatt_ has recently set itself to discover +the most suitable reading for civilians during the war. One of its +correspondents recommends _Gulliver's Travels_, "in order to learn to +know the English." That weighty point may therefore be regarded as +finally settled. Meanwhile from other sources no less authentic some +interesting particulars have come to light of the literary relaxations +prevailing among our enemy in the field. From these it would appear that +early in September General VON KLUCK received, apparently from an +anonymous admirer, a copy of _The Mysteries of Paris_, in which he has +been thoughtfully absorbed ever since. His Imperial master's +pocket-companion takes the form of a copy of Mr. FRANK RICHARDSON'S +_There and Back_, which we learn is already beginning to show signs of +hard wear. Many of the gunners stationed about French and Belgian +cathedral cities are reported as being seriously interested in MAX +MUeLLER'S _Chips from a German Workshop_, while Mr. H. G. WELLS' _Twelve +Stories and a Dream_ has become almost a book of reference to the +officials disseminating German wireless news. + + * * * + +A work of timely importance, especially to Londoners during the present +lighting regulations, is promised in the course of the next few weeks. +The novelty is to take the form of a brochure from the pen of Dean INGE, +and will court popularity under the arresting title, _How to be Cheerful +though Gloomy_. + + * * * * * + +THE ARCHBISHOP'S APOLOGIA. + + ["I resent exceedingly the gross and vulgar way in which the German + Emperor has been treated in the newspapers.... I have a personal + memory of the Emperor very sacred to me."--_The Archbishop of + York._] + + HIS GRACE OF YORK maintains the KAISER'S + Merely the dupe of bad advisers, + And, simply to avoid a fuss, + Reluctantly made war on us. + + One marvels what his Grace will say + When, peradventure, some fine day, + Thanks to his German friend, he hears + York Minster crashing round his ears! + + * * * * * + +FORESIGHT. + + "It was stated in Dover last night that an aircraft was seen over + Dungeness this evening."--_Central News._ + + "The Press Bureau, while permitting publication, cannot vouch for the + accuracy of this statement."--_Cardiff Evening Express._ + +No wonder! + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF LIGHT. + +As soon as Celia had got a chequebook of her own (and I had explained +the mysteries of "---- & Co." to her), she looked round for a safe +investment of her balance, which amounted to several pounds. My offers, +first of an old stocking and afterwards of mines, mortgages and aerated +breads, were rejected at once. + +"I'll leave a little in the bank in case of accidents," she said, "and +the rest must go somewhere absolutely safe and earn me five per cent. +Otherwise they shan't have it." + +We did what we could for her; we offered the money to archdeacons and +other men of pronounced probity; and finally we invested it in the +Blanktown Electric Light Company. Blanktown is not its real name, of +course; but I do not like to let out any information which may be of +value to Celia's enemies--the wicked ones who are trying to snatch her +little fortune from her. The world, we feel, is a dangerous place for a +young woman with money. + +"Can't I _possibly_ lose it now?" she asked. + +"Only in two ways," I said. "Blanktown might disappear in the night, or +the inhabitants might give up using electric light." + +It seemed safe enough. At the same time we watched the newspapers +anxiously for details of the latest inventions; and anybody who happened +to mention when dining with us that he was experimenting with a new and +powerful illuminant was handed his hat at once. + +You have Blanktown, then, as the depository of Celia's fortune. Now it +comes on the scene in another guise. I made the announcement with some +pride at breakfast yesterday. + +"My dear," I said, "I have been asked to deliver a lecture." + +"What ever on?" asked Celia. + +"Anything I like. The last person lectured on 'The Minor Satellites of +Jupiter,' and the one who comes after me is doing 'The Architecture of +the Byzantine Period,' so I can take something in between." + +"Like 'Frostbites,'" said Celia helpfully. "But I don't quite +understand. Where is it, and why?" + +"The Blanktown Literary and Philosophical Society ask me to lecture to +them at Blanktown. The man who was coming is ill." + +"But why _you_ particularly?" + +"One comes down to me in the end," I said modestly. + +"I expect it's because of my electric lights. Do they give you any money +for it?" + +"They ask me to name my fee." + +"Then say a thousand pounds, and lecture on the need for more electric +light. Fancy if I got six per cent.!" + +"This is a very sordid conversation," I said. "If I agree to lecture +at all, it will be simply because I feel that I have a message to +deliver ... I will now retire into the library and consider what that +message is to be." + +I placed the _Encyclopaedia_ handy and sat down at my desk. I had already +grasped the fact that the title of my discourse was the important thing. +In the list of the Society's lectures sent to me there was hardly one +whose title did not impress the imagination in advance. I must be +equally impressive.... + +After a little thought I began to write. + +"WASPS AND THEIR YOUNG. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th._ + +"Ladies and Gentlemen----" + +"Well," said Celia, drifting in, "how's it going?" + +I showed her how far I had got. + +"I thought you always began, 'My Lord Mayor, Ladies and Gentlemen,'" she +said. + +"Only if the Lord Mayor's there." + +"But how will you know?" + +"Yes, that's rather awkward. I shall have to ask the Secretary +beforehand." + +I began again. + +"WASPS AND THEIR YOUNG. + +"_Lecture delivered, etc._ ... + +"My Lord Mayor, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen----" + +It looked much better. + +"What about Baronets?" said Celia. "There's sure to be lots." + +"Yes, this is going to be difficult. I shall have to have a long talk +with the Secretary.... How's this?--'My Lord Mayor, Lords, Baronets, +Ladies and Gentlemen and Sundries.' That's got in everybody." + +"That's all right. And I wanted to ask you: Have you got any lantern +slides?" + +"They're not necessary." + +"But they're much more fun. Perhaps they'll have some old ones of +Vesuvius you can work in. Well, goodbye." And she drifted out. + +I went on thinking. + +"No," I said to myself, "I'm on the wrong tack." So I began again:-- + +"SOME YORKSHIRE POT-HOLES. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philosophical +Society, Tuesday, December 8th._ + +"My Lord Mayor, my Lords----" + +"I don't want to interrupt," said Celia coming in suddenly, "but--oh, +what's a pot-hole?" + +"A curious underground cavern sometimes found in the North." + +"Aren't caverns always underground? But you're busy. Will you be in for +lunch?" + +"I shall be writing my lecture all day," I said busily. + +At lunch I decided to have a little financial talk with Celia. + +"What I feel is this," I said. "At most I can ask ten guineas for my +lecture. Now my expenses all the way to the North, with a night at an +hotel, will be at least five pounds." + +"Five-pounds-ten profit," said Celia. "Not bad." + +"Ah, but wait. I have never spoken in public before. In an immense hall, +whose acoustics----" + +"Who are they?" + +"Well, never mind. What I mean is that I shall want some elocution +lessons. Say five, at a guinea each." + +"That still leaves five shillings." + +"If only it left that, it might be worth it. But there's the new white +waistcoat. An audience soon gets tired of a lecture, and then there's +nothing for the wakeful ones to concentrate on but the white waistcoat +of the lecturer. It must be of a virgin whiteness. Say thirty-five +shillings. So I lose thirty shillings by it. Can I afford so much?" + +"But you gain the acoustics and the waistcoat." + +"True. Of course, if you insist----" + +"Oh, you _must_," said Celia. + +So I returned to the library. By tea-time I had got as far as this:-- + +"ADVENTURES WITH A CAMERA IN SOMALILAND. + +"_Lecture delivered before the Blanktown Literary and Philo---- _" + +And then I had an idea. This time a brilliant one. + +"Celia," I said at tea, "I have been wondering whether I ought to take +advantage of your generosity." + +"What generosity?" + +"In letting me deliver this lecture." + +"It isn't generosity, it's swank. I want to be able to tell everybody." + +"Ah, but the sacrifices you are making." + +"Am I?" said Celia, with interest. + +"Of course you are. Consider. I ask a fee of ten guineas. They cannot +possibly charge more than a shilling a head to listen to me. It would be +robbery. So that if there is to be a profit at all, as presumably they +anticipate, I shall have a gate of at least two hundred and fifty." + +"I should _hope_ so." + +"Two hundred and fifty. And what does that mean? It means that at +seven-thirty o'clock on the night of December the 8th two hundred and +fifty residents of Blanktown will _turn out the electric lights in their +drawing-rooms_ ... PERHAPS EVEN IN THEIR HALLS ... and proceed to the +lecture-room. True, the lecture-room will be lit up--a small +compensation--but not for long. When the slides of Vesuvius are thrown +upon the screen----" + +Celia was going pale. + +"But if it's not you," she faltered, "it will be somebody else." + +"No; if I refuse, it will be too late then to get a substitute. Besides +they must have tried everybody else before they got down to me.... +Celia, already the Zeppelin scare has shaken your stock severely; this +will be the final blow. It is noble of you to sacrifice----" + +"Don't go!" she cried in anguish. + +I gave a deep sigh. + +"For your sake," I said, "I won't." + +So that settles it. If my lecture on "First Principles in Homeopathy" is +ever to be delivered, it must be delivered elsewhere. + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: HERO-WORSHIP. + +_Slightly soiled Urchin_, "PLEASE, MR. GENERAL, IF YER WOULDN'T MIND +BENDIN' DAHN A BIT, ME AN' EMMA'D LIKE TO GIVE YER A KISS." + + * * * * * + +A LA RUSSE. + +Every November, just as I am beginning to look sadly down the long vista +of apple--apple-tart, apple-pudding, stewed apple and custard, +apple-charlotte and apple-dumpling--that stretches all the way from now +to rhubarb, come cranberries. + +I had forgotten them, as I do every year, and the pinky-red that tinged +the knife yesterday, as soon as it entered what I feared was an +apple-tart, ran right up my arm and spread in a glow to my face. _Dear_ +cranberries! + +And doubly dear just now. How _did_ you manage it? All the way from +Archangel, was it--threading your way through mines and submarines, and +not a keg broken, not a cranberry exploded? Thank you, JELLICOE. + +Or are you a Southern Slav, a Crim-Tartar? And did you dare the +Dardanelles, give the _Goeben_ the slip, and disappoint the German +ganders of their sauce? Artful ally! + +Where is your home, bright berry? What are your habits? Do you push +through the snow on the steppes? Do you flower in the first thaw of +spring, set in full summer and ripen when the snow falls again? I think +so; you have the savour of snow. I hope so; I picture the snowfields +stained with your blood when you burst. + +We've known too little of you, but we shall want to know more now. The +Vicar _said_ the war would do good in more ways than one. _It does it +now_; it sets me thinking. + +Learning, too. My landlady, for whom I had composed a simple +object-lesson on the value of a strong Navy, pricked all my bubbles +with, "Russian, Sir? Did you say Russian? I wouldn't have a bit o' +foreign fruit in the house. Them berries was picked in my sister's +garden on the moors." + + "Helmets galore strew the fields. Rifles, motor lorries, and field + kitchens are common finds. Some day they will be collected, + and--such is the scandalous heartlessness of mankind--distributed as + souvenirs of the great Armageddon of 1914."--_Daily Chronicle._ + +In case anybody wishes to bring us home a souvenir, we are keeping a +little place on our writing-desk for a field-kitchen. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Vicar_ (_his mind full of the recruiting posters_). +"WILT THOU TAKE THIS WOMAN TO THY WEDDED WIFE--FOR THREE YEARS OR THE +DURATION OF THE WAR?" + + * * * * * + +PEACE WITH HONOUR. + +(_Being a slight amplification, from another quarter, of the lines +addressed to "Mr. Bernard Jaw" in last week's "Punch."_) + + Oft as I've wondered with a weary sigh + At MR. SHAW'S incorrigible habit + Of always seeing England with an eye + That knows the armour's joint and where to stab it, + And, sometimes taken by his style, + Have half believed his taunts of guile, + But oftener set them down to bile + And eating too much green-stuff, like a rabbit; + + I've dreamed a dream that, when the drums are still + And stern Bellona, from her steel unbodiced, + Regrets the overthrow of KAISER BILL + (Of all strange cranks, excepting one, the oddest), + Disarmament and gentleness + May also come to G. B. S., + And, turned from wrath, he shall confess + Britain in triumph was supremely modest. + + A newer, better Poland shall arise, + And Schleswig-Holstein be extremely perky; + Alsace-Lorraine shall look with loving eyes + To a clear dawn, where now the mists are murky, + And messengers of peace shall stray + On Balkan mounts, and my Aunt May + Has frequently been heard to say + That she intends to give the Belgians Turkey. + + But what of England? Shall she not bestow + Quiet upon the world, and ordered measure, + And take no vantage of the fallen foe + In land (which is but dust) and sordid treasure? + But rather of her kindness yield + The balm whereby hurt wounds are healed, + That couchant in the selfsame field + Lion and lamb may masticate at leisure. + + Let it be written in the terms of peace, + And evermore on brassy tablets graven, + That England shall demand no right nor lease + Of frontier nor of town, nor armoured haven, + But cede with unreluctant paw + To Germans and to German law + The whole of this egregious SHAW, + And only re-annex the BARD OF AVON. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + + "The commission is also empowered to order the removal of + advertising on existing marquises if it is deemed objectionable." + + _Los Angeles Times._ + +Who are these marquises who are large enough for a really telling poster +on the waistcoat? + + * * * * * + + "Here Colonel Hoffmann remarked: 'We have a feeling of absolute + superiority over the Russians. We must win; we will win.'" + + _Daily Mail._ + +Look out for our new opera, "Fairy Tales of HOFFMANN." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A CHRONIC COMPLAINT. + +AIDE-DE-CAMP. "'THE ENGLISH FORCE, SO PLEASE YOU.'" + +KAISER. "'TAKE THY FACE HENCE.... I AM SICK AT HEART.'" + +(MACBETH, Act V., Sc. 3.) + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 23rd November._--Dull sitting suddenly +stirred to excitement by Apparition in Khaki starting up from below +Gangway on Ministerial Side. It was WEDGEWOOD (_sans_ BENN). Wanted to +know what advice Government are prepared to give civil population as to +how they ought to behave in event of German invasion. + +"Are they," asked the warlike WEDGEWOOD, "to take it lying down and let +the Germans walk over them? or shall they make the best possible stand +for their country?" + +From above Gangway in neighbourhood of LEIF JONES' seat came tremulous +voice exclaiming, "Fight!" + +Thus encouraged, PARLIAMENTARY SECRETARY to War Office, who day by day +grows more martial in figure and manner, pointed out that "the first +duty we [meaning the Army] and the Navy have to perform is to prevent +invasion. That failing, our duty is to drive the invader into the sea as +fast as ever we can." + +Illustration: _Mr. Tennant._ "OUR DUTY IS TO DRIVE THE INVADER INTO THE +SEA." + +As to action of civil population emergency committees are being formed +in counties where there is danger of invasion, and instructions are +being issued by them. What those instructions are TENNANT strategically +declined to disclose. + +After this reassuring statement Consolidated Fund Bill immediately +passed second reading. + +Later fresh protest, led off by Lord BOB and emphasised by BONAR LAW, +against arbitrary conduct of Censor in dealing with the Press. + +"We ought to stick to this till K. caves in," says the MEMBER FOR SARK. +"The Press Bureau has about it stamp of things 'made in Germany.' +Importation of other classes of these goods is prohibited. Let us either +get rid of the Press Bureau or have it remodelled on principles of +common sense, in accord with public feeling and concern for best +interests of the Army." + +_Business done._--Stout bundle of Bills advanced a stage. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--The ways of the Press Censor are past +finding out. + +He worries the British Press day and night. He stands in the way of +recognition of exceptionally gallant deeds on the battle-field by +particular men or regiments. He arbitrarily strikes out passages from +the letters of War Correspondents who, forbidden to approach the +fighting line, laboriously pick up such scraps of information as may +filter through its outskirts. He holds over for days, sometimes for +weeks, official despatches from the Front, for which the Public are +eagerly waiting. Occasionally, by way of exhibiting his desire that not +a moment shall be lost in communicating important information, he, about +midnight, by preference an hour later, dumps down upon hapless +newspapers just going to press the material for whole columns of print. + +This conscientiously and painstakingly done, he permits certain journals +published in Ireland to circulate seditious garbage designed to stop the +flow of recruiting which CARSON and JOHN REDMOND, representatives of +contending national parties, have loyally united in encouraging. + +In the Commons the other night attention of SOLICITOR-GENERAL, head of +this new department, called to notorious matter. Protested that he knew +nothing of these Irish papers. General impression in both Houses that it +is time he made the acquaintance of the particular organs alluded to and +took action accordingly. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SOLICITOR-GENERAL KNOWS NOTHING OF SEDITIOUS IRISH +NEWSPAPERS. + + * * * * * + +MIDLETON to-night in spirited speech asked what the Government proposed +to do? CREWE pleaded that he must have notice of the question. CURZON, +ever ready to oblige, promptly undertook to place one on notice-paper. + +_Business done._--In Commons Budget Bill passed Report stage, CHANCELLOR +smoothing the passage by concessions to the brewers and publicans by way +of easing burden of additional taxation. + +_House of Commons, Wednesday._--For some time there has been rumour, +generally discredited, that Prince ALBERT, son of Prince and Princess +CHRISTIAN, had taken active service with the enemy in struggle with whom +the best blood of the nation is being daily outpoured. To-day YOUNG +asked whether story was true? PREMIER curtly admitted it. + +"Is it considered just and expedient," inquired the Member for +Perthshire, amid ominous cheering, "that the British taxpayer should be +called upon to pay L6,000 a year for the maintenance of a family which +includes this German officer?" + +"The Question," replied the PREMIER, with something less than his +accustomed point in dealing with Supplementary Queries, "relates to a +particular individual." + +House gladly got rid of disagreeable subject. But SARK tells me that, +when in due course the pension comes up in Committee of Supply, more +will be heard of the matter. + +_Business done._--Several War Emergency Bills advanced a stage. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--K. of K. read brief paper on Military +Situation in Flanders. In matter of picturesque detail it did not quite +come up to pitch of "EYE-WITNESS'S" despatches from the Front, which in +the main it resembled. But it was as comforting as it was concise. +Summed up in sentence the position to-day of Expeditionary Force: +"Reinforcements have replaced our casualties, and the troops under Sir +JOHN FRENCH, now re-fitted, are in the best of spirits, confident of +success under their Leader." + +Touched lightly on rout of Germans in Poland with which the world is +ringing; but said nothing about capture of KAISER'S cloak. SARK suggests +that this interesting robe should be put up for sale to highest bidder +(as if it were the First L1 note), proceeds to be contributed to Fund +for Relief of Belgians. This would give opportunity for remarking that +having taken off his coat to devastate the homes of the Belgians, +WILHELM gave them his cloak also. + +Suggestion worth thinking about. Certainly something attractive about it +in way of poetic justice. + +_Business done._--In the Commons UNDER-SECRETARY FOR INDIA gave glowing +account of the gallant deeds of Indian troops fighting in three +continents. + +_Friday._--After heartening speeches by CHANCELLOR and FIRST LORD, +together going to show that "we've got the ships, we've got the men, +we've got the money too," Parliament adjourned till Tuesday, February +2nd, with promise that, if necessary, it can be specially summoned at +any time on six days' notice. + + * * * * * + + "The Germans did not even hesitate to bring up heavy artillery which + quickly became embedded in the mud, some of which has since been + found by our troops." + + _Press Association War Special._ + +From what we hear, our troops have found all the mud they want. + + * * * * * + + "In reply to Mr. JOYNSON-HICKS, Mr. MCKENNA said:--Germans cannot + land in the United Kingdom without the express permission of the + Secretary of State." + +New motto for Great Britain: "MCKENNA and the Navy our shield." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Shopkeeper._ "CANDLES ARE UP IN PRICE TO-DAY, Y'KNOW, +MRS. O'FLYNN--ON ACCOUNT OF THE WAR." + +_Mrs. O'Flynn._ "OCH! BAD CESS TO THEM GERMANS! _WHY CAN'T THEY BE +FIGHTING BY DAYLIGHT_?" + + * * * * * + +A SERVANT OF THE KING. + +"Your King and country need YOU." + +"Lor!" + +Tilda Perkins, her cap awry and a smudge on her diminutive nose, came to +a sudden halt, arrested by the staring blue type. + +"Your King and country need YOU." + +That personal appeal drove straight home. Tilda's heart swelled; a flush +of excitement invaded her cheeks. + +"Bless 'em! They shall 'ave me," she vowed in a fervour of +self-immolation. + +Tightly clutching the newspaper containing her master's breakfast +haddock she scudded off, ablaze with patriotic fire. + +"There 'tis, Ma'am," she gasped breathlessly, plumping down her burden +on the kitchen table. "An' now I'm goin'." + +"Going! Where?" + +"To KING GEORGE, God bless 'im. The poster ses 'e wants me." + +Her mistress shook a regretful head. + +"No, Tilda. It's not you and I he wants." + +Gloom unutterable descended upon Tilda as her mistress expounded the +situation. + +"Men 'as all the luck," she jerked out. "I ain't surprised them +Sufferajettes got sick o' things." + +A pause. + +"Still, I s'pose it ain't KING GEORGE'S fault. I'll 'elp 'im out as well +as I can," she announced. + +It was a resolute Tilda who awaited her swain at the kitchen door that +night. + +"Take off yer shoes," she said abruptly. + +Jem obeyed. + +"'Old up yer 'ead. Don't loll," came the sharp command. + +Jem drew himself up to attention, and Tilda manipulated an inch tape. + +"Sixty-three inches an' a bit. Twelves into sixty go five. Five feet +three an' a scrap. You'll jest do," she said with a complacent nod. + +Jem, motionless, but turning a fine blush-rose under the touch of the +busy fingers, levelled an enquiring gaze at the preoccupied face. + +"I'm giving you to KING GEORGE," remarked Tilda. "I'm sorry you ain't +taller, but he'll understand I've done the best I can for 'im," she +added with a little sigh. + +"But--but--" faltered Jem. + +"There ain't no buts about it," broke in Tilda with swift asperity. +"Think what you'd feel like if you was me." + +"Why, it's you a-sendin' me," protested Jem. "I won't go if you don't +want me to leave yer." + +Tilda flung back her head with an impatient snort at man's obtuseness. + +"You don't s'pose I'm whinin' cos you're goin', do you?" she demanded. + +An abashed Jem diminished perceptibly. + +"Well, why then?" he asked humbly. + +"Cos I can't go, stoopid. It ain't fair." + + * * * * * + +A BENEFACTOR. + + Their blazon flashed across the sky + Or ever the War began; + In divers spots it struck the eye + Of every passing man. + Aloft the flickering words would run, + Curtly commanding me + To use the Soap of Such a One, + Or swallow Someone's Tea. + + But oh, in London's sky to-day + Such legends no man meets, + And, as I go my cautious way + By dark but decent streets, + I think of him who bade depart + These beacons' blatant din, + And almost find it in my heart + To bless Count ZEPPELIN. + + * * * * * + +"FIVE HOLES IN HULL. + + GLASGOW BEING REPAIRED IN RIO DE JANEIRO."--_Star._ + +More news for Germans: "Successful bombardment of British towns." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Cavalry Instructor._ "FROM WHERE DID YOU RECEIVE +INSTRUCTIONS TO DISMOUNT, SIR?" + +_Raw Recruit._ "FROM HINDQUARTERS, SIR." + + * * * * * + +A SOLDIER'S SERVANT. + +Dear _Mr. Punch_,--I am only a dog, but as you have a dog of your own +you will be able to sympathise with me and understand my feelings. If +you don't, ask him and he will explain. + +My master tells me he is going to a place called The Front, and he seems +awfully pleased with the idea. But my mistress is not pleased at all, +though she tries to smile and look happy when he talks about it. All the +same, I have found her several times crying quietly by herself, and have +had to lick her face thoroughly all over in order to cheer her up. + +At first, when my master told me he was going to this mysterious place, +I simply barked and wagged my tail and jumped about, because, of course, +I thought I was going there too, and it doesn't matter to me where he +goes as long as I go with him. Imagine therefore my feelings when it +gradually leaked out that I was to be left behind. When the truth dawned +upon me I was so upset that I lay for a whole day on the doorstep in a +dazed condition, whilst several cats _who knew me well_ came and washed +themselves carefully right under my nose. I hardly saw them, though of +course I couldn't help smelling them. + +You see, _Mr. Punch_, what made me feel so very bad was that I had found +out something about The Front from other dogs. It appears that it is a +very dangerous place, full of what they call Germans, where he would +need _me_ to look after him much more than he does at home. Why then not +take me? I cannot understand it at all. I can fight. Ask the dog at the +house at the corner of our road what he thinks, and just take a look at +his ears. They speak for themselves. + +Then, again, I can hear and smell a great deal better than my master, +and could keep watch while he is asleep (I am told he will have to sleep +in a ditch!), and after one or two sniffs and bites I should soon learn +to tell a German. + +In time of danger the place of every English dog is by his master's +side, and he doesn't mind dying there either. Can't you help us to get +to The Front with our masters? + +Yours faithfully, + +A VERY SAD DOG. + +P.S.--I enclose untouched one of the most delicious bones I have ever +smelt--not necessarily for publication but as a guarantee of good faith. + + * * * * * + +The Men from Blankley's. + + "MATES GIVEN FOR + + Dinner Parties. + Dance Suppers. + Wedding Receptions. + At Homes." + +_Advt. in "Clifton Society._" + +A boon for the harassed hostess. + + * * * * * + +THE OPPORTUNISTS. + + 'Tis a strange portent of the war + That every advertiser + Desires to be indebted for + His income to the KAISER; + At all events + He's got the goods for military gents. + + "_Pypp's Playing-cards_," we learn, "dispel + The longest siege's tedium." + "Tin of Tobacco turns a shell-- + Great feat by _Mascot_ (medium)." + "No ally feels + Hungry or tired who carries _Ponk's Pastilles_." + + "The nicest present you can get + To soothe the soldier's nerve is + Our _Black Maria_ cigarette-- + The best for active service!" + "All haversacks + Should carry lumps of _Entente_ sealing-wax." + + "Ask for our _French equivalent_ + _Of British Oaths_. The French is + More chic. A pretty compliment + To _Piou-Piou_ in the trenches! + A boon untold + To Indian colonels suffering from the cold!" + + * * * * * + + "Both persons have been taken prisoners and sent to Medan, where + they will be fried for having broken Holland's neutrality." + + _Provinciale Groninger Courant._ + +A severe, but perhaps necessary, lesson. + + * * * * * + +A SPORTING DESPATCH. + + [_From William Wheezle, K.G. (Keeper of Game), addressed to our own + Subaltern at the Front, and describing the operations of the Allied + Forces in and round the West Wood and the Middle Planting, November, + 1914._] + +Sir,--I have the honour to report that on Saturday last the Allied +Forces advanced, as soon as they could be got out of bed, in the +direction of the West Wood. The troops under my command, or supposed to +be under my command, were drawn chiefly from the Old Fogey Division. In +addition to the Household Extremely Heavy Infantry, there were two +battalions of the 160th London Potterers (the "Puff Hards"), specially +summoned from Pall Mall to act with us. These battalions, under the +command of Colonel Bowindow, D.S.O., fully maintained the noble +traditions that attach to their name. There were also two regiments of +unmounted cavalry, the 210th (Flannel Feet) and the 306th Purple Lancers +(Buster's Own). These sections declined to co-operate unless provided +with shooting ponies. + +Circumstances unfortunately deprived me of the assistance of other +contingents, such as the Dog-potters, upon which I had in previous years +been able to depend. At Westwood our troops deployed, and a hostile +demonstration on the part of the enemy, signalled by loud von clucks, +kept us thoroughly on the alert. They found our range very quickly, a +good deal more quickly, indeed, than we found theirs; but as they +advanced closer their casualties became more numerous. On the whole the +result of this action was not unsatisfactory. After a short march +through the bracken we occupied a well-chosen position in open country, +our troops availing themselves of such cover as offered, though some of +them took a good deal of concealing. A violent general engagement +ensued, and for some time the firing was continuous. The enemy's losses +were serious, a frontal attack in close formation and at a moderate pace +being attended with great disaster. The Potterers, after taking some +time to bring their guns into action, kept up a constant and, as they +assured me, effective fire. + +Reports having been received that the enemy were holding the Middle +Planting in strength, I decided to manoeuvre in that direction. There +was an affair of outposts in the course of the march, Colonel Bowindow +bravely engaging a strongly entrenched rabbit. There was no actual loss +of life, the rabbit retiring in good order, but its _moral_ is, I +understand, seriously shaken if not completely shattered. It +subsequently succeeded in digging itself deeper in, and took no further +part in the day's operations. + +Before attempting to dislodge the main body of the enemy our forces took +cover in open order under an adjacent hedge. With scarcely any delay +large numbers of the enemy appeared above the top of the wire +entanglements, the rapidity of their movements taking our artillery by +surprise. Our gunners, however, served their pieces with regularity and +determination until the enemy were reported to be in full retreat. Their +casualties were few, chiefly owing to the speed at which their movements +were conducted, and only amounted to one wounded, or said to be. Two +more were alleged to be missing, but have probably by this time rejoined +their regiments. The expenditure of ammunition during this skirmish was +great. + +At the battle of Middle Planting, which followed, the enemy suffered +severely. Our encircling movement was capably carried out and our +high-angle fire was very effective. On our left flank Colonel Buster +found himself at one time almost completely enveloped by hares, but in +this critical situation he handled his guns promptly, and in repulsing +the adversary suffered no loss except that of his temper. That he did +not inflict more damage was, according to his own statement, due to the +fact that the opposing forces, when they saw him preparing to develop +his attack, kept at a prudent distance. During this engagement numerous +wood-taubes were sighted flying over our position, but at such a height +that it was impossible, or appeared to be impossible, to bring them +down. + +Rations were then served out, the commissariat being under the able +direction of Major Domo. The quality of the supplies was satisfactory, +nor was there any real shortage, if I may judge from the report +(received by me after lunch from General Torpor, in temporary command) +that our troops were incapable of advancing, or indeed of any movement +at all. + +Later.--On waking up we made a forced march in the direction of Mudford +Village and occupied a wide front, the considerable spaces between units +rendering our operations less hazardous to each other. A flanking +movement upon the line Stubblefield-Tenacre-Turniptops was attended with +some success, though several entire Army Corps of the enemy succeeded in +extricating themselves without disaster. Nor were we able to come in +touch with them again before darkness set in, and the Allied Forces +retired, highly pleased with themselves, to their base, in the immediate +neighbourhood of Auction Bridge. + + I have the honour to be, Sir, + Your obedient Servant, + WILLIAM WHEEZLE. + + * * * * * + +WAR'S REVENGES. + +(_A True Story._) + + This War has done many wonderful things; + It has altered our views of Kaisers and Kings, + And quite discounted the stern rebukes + Of those who anathematized Grand Dukes. + It has hurled from many a lofty pinnacle + The self-sufficient and the cynical; + And revised the judgments we once held true + In various ways that are strange and new. + For instance, the other day there came + To see me, the same yet not the same, + A former office boy, whom once + I wholly misread as a Cockney dunce, + Who only cared for music-hall tunes-- + And who went and 'listed in the Dragoons. + His khaki was much the worse for wear, + Soiled and crumpled and needing repair, + And he hadn't unlearned since his office days + His gruff laconic turn of phrase. + So I had to drag it out by degrees + That he hadn't been in the lap of ease, + But from Mons to Ypres, out at the Front, + Had helped to bear the battle's brunt. + Rest? Well, they had to do without it; + But he didn't make a song about it. + Last three weeks he'd never been dry; + A sniper had shot him through the thigh; + But his wound had healed, he was right as rain + And anxious to get to the Front again. + So there he stood, erect, serene, + Unshaken by all he had suffered and seen, + And ready once more at his Country's call + To leave his wife, his home, his all. + And I, as I thought of what he had done, + And the arm-chair band (of which I am one), + Elderly scribblers, who can't even drill, + And are only good at driving a quill-- + Humbled and shamed to my inmost core + I wished I could drop clean through the floor. + For the tables were turned; I stood at zero, + And the office boy was a full-blown hero. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Inspector._ "WELL, WHAT'S YOUR LITTLE GRUMBLE?" + +_Constable._ "BEG PARDON, SIR, BUT JUST BECAUSE I LOOK A BIT LIKE A +GERMAN ME LIFE 'AS BECOME A BURDEN. PEOPLE SAY, 'I SHOULDN'T WONDER IF +'E WASN'T A SHEEP IN LION'S CLOTHES.'" + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER MISJUDGED ALIEN. + +Clarence (who pulls the path roller) says there's a Society for the +Maintenance of Horses' Rights. I wish there was one for the Abolition of +Eagles' Wrongs. I am an eagle, the handsomest eagle in the Zoo, and I +sometimes wish I were a sparrow. Moult me, but I've even wished I were +stuffed. And all because the authorities won't change my label. It's +true the notice they've put on my cage telling people to keep their +children from the bars has stopped the young brutes from shooting me +with peas and monkey nuts, but it can't save my feelings, and all +because--but there! this is how my own particular official label runs:-- + + IMPERIAL EAGLE. + SCHODDERSTOGHARDTMEISSEN. DEPOSITED. + +You can imagine the situation. How in the firmament am I to tell the +public that Schodderstoghardtmeissen is a craggy headland on the coast +of Norway, and not in the least associated with Germany or +Austria--places I never heard of till but recently. But ever since the +men in khaki first made their appearance in the Gardens some four months +ago a most extraordinary undercurrent of opprobrious criticism has crept +into the public's conversation, that public once so full of admiration +for my noble bearing--unless it saw me walk; for which reason I don't +come off my pedestal in public hours if I can help it. But now the +mildest visitors seem to hold themselves under a moral obligation to +connect me in some manner with what Clarence calls the "present crisis." + +Sixpenny days are my worst. "_There's_ the German eagle!" says the +crowd. I can't even sit in my water trough without being told I'm +"entrenching" myself. + +Only last chicken's-neck day (we dine alternately on poultry +and--er--the joint) an old lady paused before my quarters and, her head +on one side, murmured musingly: "Yet I always thought the Austrian eagle +had two heads, but perhaps I'm thinking of the unicorn." Half an hour +later a party stopped in front of me, and one of them says: "Them +Jermins didn't deserve a noble-looking bird like 'im to represent 'em, +did they, Hemelie? Something with scales and bat's wings 'ud be more +appropriate, I _don't_ think." "Yes, an' a drunkard's liver," chimes in +another, and then they all laughed. Scr-e-e-e-e-e-ak!! + +Even the regular visitors are no better. The stout old gentleman--an +editor and an F.Z.S., if you please--who used to get Michael, my valet, +to let him see me from the private window, just glares at me over the +top of his newspaper and mutters, "Hah! my fine bird, you're coming off +your perch head-first before many months are over." And the newspaper +cameraman, who used to take my portrait whilst Michael fed me with +tit-bits--last week he caught me warming my spread wings in a little +patch of sunlight. "Just the stuff," he twittered, as he struggled with +his camera. "Great wheeze! Splendid snap for a full-page--'HIS PLACE IN +THE SUN.'" It wasn't my fault if I didn't spoil the photograph. + +The very latest is a rumour that my right wing is likely to be crumpled +up. And the griffin vulture next door, who saw something of the +sanatorium when he swallowed a lighted cigar-end in mistake for a +glow-worm, hopes they'll give me chloroform. It's also whispered that +I'm moulting, but that, I _know_, isn't true. + +Well, I suppose it must all end one day. As it is, I find myself looking +back longingly to the time when to the public I was just an eagle and a +king of birds. I can even remember with toleration the two simple souls +who once perched upon a garden-seat before my apartments. Said one, +"There y' are, M'ria. _There's_ one of them armerdillers young Bert was +tellin' us about." And the other replied: "Why, don't you know no more +nat'ral 'ist'ry than that, Elfrid? _That_ ain't a armadiller; that's a +'ummin'-bird!" + + * * * * * + +TOMMY BROWN, AUCTIONEER. + +Tommy Brown knows all about India. You see his father served out there, +and that is how Tommy knows so much. He says that everybody in India has +to have a bath once a year in the Ganges, and that there is a delta at +the mouth of the Ganges as big as Ireland. + +Tommy says it is very hot in the shade in India, but you needn't walk in +the shade unless you like. He showed me how an idol looked--it is like +when you come to the castor oil under the ginger wine. + +But it is about the Indian troops that I want to tell you. Tommy was +very pleased when they came, because he knows all about them. He likes +the Gherkins best, he says, because they are so hardy. Tommy says the +Gherkins can hold their breath for five minutes without going red in the +face, and that's why they can fight so well. + +He says they never want anything to eat, because they have a kind of a +twig that they chew, and then all they have to do is to keep tightening +their belts. Tommy gave me some of the twig they chew; it tasted like +cabbage. I didn't want anything more to eat all that day. Tommy had some +himself; he says now he doesn't think it was the right kind of twig. +Tommy told me that the Gherkins' mothers teach them to prowl when they +are very young, and that they are always prowling. Tommy showed me how +to prowl. You have to lie flat on your stomach, and wriggle about as if +you were swimming. He says it makes the Gherkins very hardy. They always +do it, Tommy says, even when they have a half-holiday. To do it properly +you have to breathe through the back of your throat and move your ears. + +When the KING went to India, Tommy says he was surprised at the +Gherkins. They used to prowl before him, and he was very glad. He said +they were very hardy. + +Tommy says they are very brave because they don't know what fear is; his +father told him that. He says no one has ever seen a Gherkin blub; if +they have to, they go and do it somewhere else. + +There is only one way you can kill them. Tommy knows the way, but he +daren't tell anyone. + +Tommy says that when they want to kill a man they prowl after him for +five miles, and then come back as silently as they went. He says it is +no good shooting at them, because they are not there. + +He showed me how they killed people. They come up behind you and catch +you round the neck, and it's no good saying, "Shut up," because they +don't understand English; then you make a noise like gargling for sore +throats, and that's how they know you are dead. It makes the people very +angry, Tommy says. + +If they take a dislike to anyone, you are sure to get killed, because +they prowl after you until they do. And when you come to look at the +dead man, you can see he has died a horrible death, and if you turn him +over there isn't a mark on him. You see he didn't hear them coming. +That's what Tommy Brown told me. + +Tommy says a Gherkin once saved his father's life by killing a snake. +Tommy's father gave the Gherkin a lot of money to put in his pocket, but +he wouldn't take it. The Gherkins don't have pockets, Tommy says. + +Tommy says, that if two Germans stood back to back to see who was the +taller, a Gherkin could cut through both of them with his two-handled +knife, and it would be done so quickly that neither of the Germans would +know which was killed first. They do it by practice, Tommy told me. They +always use two-handled knives, so that when they are tired with using +one handle they can use the other. + +You can never catch a Gherkin because on the slightest movement in the +bushes they throw a rope up into the air and climb up it, then they pull +the rope up after them. + +Tommy says that Gherkins wear turbots on their heads. He says that they +wear very few clothes, but they don't catch rheumatism because it is not +known there. + +When Tommy's mother told him that people were sending presents to the +Indian troops we had a meeting about it. We dug a deep trench in Tommy's +garden and held the meeting there; Tommy didn't want the Germans to +know. + +When we had dug the trench Tommy stood at one end, and I had to come up +to him and give him the sign we had arranged. You had to move your ears +and say "Gherkin," then you were admitted to the trench. It was because +of the German spies. + +We decided to get money for the Indian troops by selling Tommy's white +rats, and I was to lend Tommy my Jew's harp for a week as my share. + +Tommy sold the white rats in the playground after school. He stood on a +box near the fence. The man who lives next door thought Tommy was going +to climb over into his garden after a ball, and he said to Tommy, "My +steemy friend, you stay where you are." + +Tommy took no notice because his mother said the man had been to India +and brought back his liver and Tommy wasn't to listen. + +I bid fourpence for the two white rats; we had arranged that in the +trench. + +Tommy Brown said with lots of scorn, "Fourpence!!"--just like that. Then +he said the money was to go to buy things for the Indian troops, and +what would they think of fourpence? Old Jones minimus said sixpence when +he got his pocket-money on Saturday; then the Head came out to see what +the row was about. When Tommy Brown told him all about it, the Head bid +half-a-crown in a loud voice. We cheered, and just then the man who +lives next door and who brought his liver home from India shouted out +five shillings. Then the Headmaster said ten shillings. Tommy Brown had +to clutch hold of the rails. The man who lives next door went red in the +neck and bid a sovereign. Jones minimus began to blub when the Head bid +two pounds. + +The man who had been to India said: "My steemy Sir, it is no use; I bid +four pounds." I could see old Tommy Brown moving his ears like anything. +The Headmaster said: "The Gurkhas are some of the finest troops in the +world"--he meant Gherkins, but he was excited; then he said: "Five +Pounds, Tommy White, for the brown rats." The man who likes liver said +something we haven't got to listen to, and then Tommy fell off the box. + +"Knocked down at six pounds!" said the Headmaster, laughing; "we will +have one each." They both gave Tommy Brown three pounds and then shook +hands over the fence. Tommy says I needn't lend him my Jew's harp now. + + * * * * * + +FAINT PRAISE. + + "The House of Commons was seen at its best to-day. The benches, it + is true, were more than all empty."--_Cork Constitution._ + + * * * * * + +From a letter to a school-teacher:-- + + "I think as Eliza as the mumps. Pleas look at her throte and if she + as rub her jor well to tak away the stif feeling and oblig." + + * * * * * + +From War News in _The Peshawur Daily News_:-- + + "The 'Langford' knocked out the gunboat 'Smith' in three rounds." + +How like a German gunboat (obviously "Schmidt") to disguise itself with +an English name. + + * * * * * + + "MISS JEFFERSON RECALLED IN BREACH SUIT." + + _"Evening News" Headline._ + +Although the defendant in this case was a cycle-dealer, we think that +these sudden changes of costume are liable to lead to confusion and +should, therefore, be forbidden. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: _Officer_ (_on rounds near revolving light_). "ANYTHING +TO REPORT?" + +_Sentry._ "NO, SIR; THERE'S NO MUCKLE TA RIPORRT; BUT YON FOLKS HAE BEEN +HAVIN' A HEAP O' TROUBLE WI' THEIR LIGHT: IT'S GONE OOT TWENTY TIMES IN +THE LAST OOR." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +STEVENSON, in one of his Fables, imagines a court presided over by the +Great White Magistrate. It was a very brief session, and the novelist +did not again use the idea. Mr. HUGH CARTON, whose name, we are informed +by the wrapper of the book, that new and most trustworthy medium of +communication between the candid publisher (unwilling that merit should +shine unobserved) and the hesitating purchaser (who needs only the truth +to send his hand to his purse) is a pseudonym covering the identity of +"one of the leading clerics of our day," has however made a whole book +of it. In _The Grand Assize_ (HEINEMANN) Mr. CARTON imagines a Day of +Judgment, on which the careers and influences of a number of social +types are weighed and punishment inflicted--for all are guilty. The +Plutocrat, the Daughter of Joy, the Bookmaker, the Party Politician, the +Musical Comedy entrepreneur, the Agitator, even the Cleric (although +not, I am sure, he of the wrapper) are called to justice. Everything for +and against them is then said, either by themselves or the advocate, and +sentence is passed. The result is a book curiously rich in sympathy, +fearless and fine, and provocative of much thought. That it is in +essence a tract is nothing against it; for many of the best novels +belong to that genus, and HOGARTH, of whom now and then the reader is +forced to think, was a tractarian to the core. I take off my hat to +"HUGH CARTON" and wish that more parsons were as humane and +understanding as he. + + * * * + +Mr. ALGERNON BLACKWOOD seems as a writer to possess two quite distinct +literary methods. There is his style high-fantastical, which at its best +touches a kind of fairylike inspiration, unique and charming--the style, +for example, of _Jimbo_. Then, on a lower plane, there is the frankly +bogie creepiness of _John Silence_. Between the two he has created a +position for himself, half trickster, half wizard, that none else in +modern literature could fill. His new book, _Incredible Adventures_ +(MACMILLAN), is a combination of both methods. Four of the five +adventures are of the mystically gruesome kind, removed however from +being commonplace ghost-stories by a certain dignity of conception. It +is to be admitted that but for this dignity two at least would fall into +some peril of bathos. Take the first, _The Regeneration of Lord Ernie_, +in which a young tutor, bear-leading a spiritless scion of nobility +through Europe, brings his bored charge to a strange mountain village +where the inhabitants worship the forces of fire and wind. If you know +Mr. BLACKWOOD'S work, as you surely do, I need not detail to you what +happens. Told as he tells it, at considerable, even undue, length, but +with a wonderful sense of the mysterious, of the feeling of the +wind-swept mountain and its roaring fires, the thing is undeniably +impressive. But in other less expert hands it would become ludicrous. +There is one tale of finer texture than the others. It is called +_Wayfarers_, and is a quite beautiful little fantasy on the old theme +that love is longer than life. This is what Mr. BLACKWOOD can do to +perfection. It redeems a volume that, for all its originality, does not +otherwise display his art quite at its best. + + * * * + +_Antarctic Adventure_ (FISHER UNWIN), by RAYMOND E. PRIESTLEY, tells the +story of SCOTT'S Northern party. That party, as you probably remember, +spent an unexpected winter underground, owing to the failure of the ship +to relieve it. Its story was shortly told by its leader, Lieutenant +CAMPBELL, in _Scott's Last Expedition_--the official report of a sailor +to his commanding officer. Mr. PRIESTLEY is more communicative. As one +of the famous six who went through it, he gives us, from his comfortable +rooms in Cambridge, the full tale of that extraordinary adventure. He +had a good angle of observation in the igloo, for it was he who doled +out the eight birthday lumps of sugar and the other few ridiculous +luxuries which relieved the monotony of seal. He was, in fact, the +commissariat officer. How he must have been loved--and hated! To what a +large extent also (one begins to realise) the ultimate safety of the +party must have been due to his management. I recommend to boys and +grown-ups a story as absorbing as _Robinson Crusoe_, and as heartening +to the pride of Englishmen as the other stories which we are hearing now +from places less remote. For boys in particular _The Voyages of Captain +Scott_ (SMITH ELDER) has been written by CHARLES TURLEY, a compilation +excellently made from the original diaries; to which Sir J. M. BARRIE +has written a true BARRIE preface describing the boyhood of SCOTT. I can +think of no better present for a nephew. + + * * * + +_The Woman in the Bazaar_ (CASSELL), by Mrs. PERRIN, is a story of the +Anglo-Indian life in which she always moves at ease. It is _Captain +George Coventry's_ first wife, the golden-haired and "phenomenally" (as +the newspaper-men will go on saying) innocent _Rafella_ of the +high-perched Cotswold vicarage, who eventually finds her deplorable way +down to the Bazaar. If _George_ (that beastly prig) at the psychological +moment of their first serious quarrel, instead of threatening and +laughing like a drunken man and reeling back into the room, had reeled +forward and gone into the matter quietly, the entirely virtuous, if +idiotic, _Rafella_ would not have flown into the practised arms of that +unscrupulous barrister, _Kennard_, who, as everybody knew, had left a +mournful trail of dishonoured wives all over India, his legal knowledge +presumably saving him at once from the inconvenience of marrying his +victims and from the physical violence of outraged Anglo-Indian +chivalry. And when _George_, now a colonel and on the verge of a quarrel +with the second _Mrs. Coventry_ about a young ass of a _tertium quid_, +caught sight of poor _Rafella_ at a window in the Bazaar, he was so +genuinely upset that he rushed back to his wife, forgave her (nothing in +particular) and lived happily ever after. Which, of course, is just one +of those things that thrusts the avenging hatchet into the hand of the +Militant. + + * * * + +I suppose that the "culture" (using this word in the strictly English +sense) of Streatham Hill may perhaps be a trifle thinner than that of +certain other suburbs, and, keeping this well in mind, I must try to +believe that _Candytuft--I mean Veronica_ (HUTCHINSON) is meant for +romantic comedy and is not a one-Act farce hastily expanded by its +author into three-hundred-page fiction form. The plot turns on a not +very serious marital estrangement. _C. I. M. V._ (she had called herself +_Veronica_ suddenly one day after reading RUSKIN) decided that she must +have an intellectual companion and (rather daringly) that he must be of +the male sex. So her husband's best friend dressed himself up as a +fantastic and extremely repulsive-looking poet with a red wig and padded +waistcoat and indulged in fantastic rhodomantades in order to +disillusionise her. Well enough on the knock-about stage, of course. +But, if I am to treat _C. I. M. V._ from the mildly satiric standpoint, +which I fancy that MABEL BARNES-GRUNDY would prefer me to adopt, _Mr. +Shakespeare Waddilove_ is rather a big mouthful to swallow, even if I +can accommodate my throat to the supposition that the lady would have +allowed her husband to choose her Platonic friend for her and promise +beforehand to give him a two months' trial. She did come from Streatham, +I know, before she went to live in the country; but still the trams run +all the way from Streatham to Charing Cross--and that padded waistcoat! +However there are some amusing passages in _Candytuft--I mean Veronica_, +and so I shut both eyes and gulped as hard as I could. + + * * * + +Do you know _Mrs. Shovell? Violet Ashwin_ she was, and married young +_Charlie Shovell_, some sort of a publisher and really rather a nice +fool. She is an absolute dear. Gay and loyal and adorably kind. No, not +a bit sentimental. Shy and yet has a way with her, and, thank Heaven, +not the least bit of a scalp-hunter. We did think that _Master Charles_, +who was distinctly by way of being a philanderer, mightn't perhaps run +quite straight. But she's done wonders with him. Might I introduce you? +Certainly? Then get _Duke Jones_ (SIDGWICK AND JACKSON), by ETHEL +SIDGWICK. She's entirely responsible for these nice people, and for +_Lady Ashwin, Violet's_ utter beast of a mother, and _Sir Claude_, that +brick of a man and doctor, and insufferable _Honoria_ and naughty +bewitching _Lisette_, who came badly to grief and was pulled out of a +really rotten hole by _Jones. E. M. Jones_ (_M_ for _Marmaduke_) was the +fellow who worshipped _Violet_ at sight and was ever after her faithful +dog.... I've put down this book with real regret. I can't help worrying +as to whether there really is such a person as _Violet_ because I might +have the fortune to meet her. Really, Miss SIDGWICK has an extraordinary +power of making you feel friends (or bitter enemies) with her puppets, +who aren't puppets at all. I've had the bad luck to miss _A Lady of +Leisure_, to which _Duke Jones_ is a sequel, but I'll readily take the +responsibility of advising you to get it first. + + * * * + +Those who do not accept Archbishop LANG'S view that the KAISER is too +sacred a subject for mirth should spend sixpence and a quarter of an +hour on _Keep Smiling_ (NASH). In dealing with the inexhaustible theme +of WILLIAM'S Lie Factory, Messrs. WALTER EMANUEL and JOHN HASSALL are at +their best. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: + +_Sergeant Instructor._ "WHAT'S YER NAME?" + +_Sir Angelo Frampington, R.A._ "FRAMPINGTON." + +_Sergeant._ "WELL, 'OLD YER 'EAD UP, FRAMPINGTON." + + * * * * * + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +147, December 2, 1914, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 29351.txt or 29351.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/3/5/29351/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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