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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/29449-h.zip b/29449-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3f71e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/29449-h.zip diff --git a/29449-h/29449-h.htm b/29449-h/29449-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..26527fb --- /dev/null +++ b/29449-h/29449-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2261 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1"> +<title>The Golden Fountain, by Lilian Staveley</title> +<style type="text/css"> + body {margin-top:100px; + margin-left:10%; + margin-right:10%; + text-align:justify} + hr { width: 100%; + height: 5px; } + + a:link { + font-weight: bold; + text-decoration: underline; + color: #A8A439; + } +a:visited { + font-weight: bold; + text-decoration: underline; + color: #aaaaaa; + } +a:hover, a:active { + text-decoration: underline; + color: #010E22; + } + pre {font-size: 75%;} +</style> + +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Golden Fountain, by Lilian Staveley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Golden Fountain + or, The Soul's Love for God. Being some Thoughts and + Confessions of One of His Lovers + +Author: Lilian Staveley + +Release Date: July 18, 2009 [EBook #29449] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN *** + + + + +Produced by Ruth Hart + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<center> +<h1>THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN</h1> +<h2>or, </h2> +<h2>The Soul's Love for God</h2> +<h2>Being some Thoughts and Confessions of One of His Lovers</h2> +<h3>By</h3> +<h3>Lilian Staveley</h3> +<br> + +<p>London<br> +John M. Watkins<br> +21 Cecil Court, Charing Cross Road, W.C.2<br> +1919</p> +</center> +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<p>How many of us inwardly feel a secret longing to find God; and +this usually accompanied by the perception that we are confronted by an +impenetrable barrier—we cannot find Him—we can neither go through this barrier +nor climb over it! We have faith. We are able to admit that He exists, for we +cannot help but perceive a Will dominating the laws of the Universe; but +something deep within us that we cannot put a name to, something subtle, secret, +and strange, cries aloud, "But I need more than this, it is not enough; I need +to personally find and know Him. Why does He not permit me to do so?"</p> +<p>We might easily answer ourselves by remembering that if, in everyday life, we greatly desire to see a friend, our best way of doing +so is by going in the direction in which he is to be found: we should consider +this as obvious. Then let us apply this, which we say is so obvious, to God. We +waste too much time looking for Him in impossible directions and by impossible +means. He is not to be found by merely studying lengthy arguments, brilliant +explanations of theological statements, or controversies upon the meanings of +obscure dogmas. He is not even to be found through organising charity concerts +and social reforms however useful. We shall find Him through a self stripped +bare of all other interests and pretensions—stripped bare of everything but a +humble and passionately seeking <i>heart</i>.</p> + +<p>He says to the soul, "Long for Me, and I will show Myself. +Desire Me with a great desire, and I will be found."</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Scattered all through history are innumerable persons, both +great and insignificant, who looked for the Pearl of Great Price: and not too +many would seem to have found it. Some sought by study, by intelligence; some by +strict and pious attention to outward ceremonial service; some by a "religious" +life; some even by penance and fasting. Those who found sought with the heart. +Those who sought with careful piety, or with intelligence, found perhaps faith +and submission, but no joy. The Pearl is that which cannot be described in +words. It is the <i>touch of God Himself upon the soul, </i>the Joy of Love.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The entrance to the land of happiness and peace is through union +of the will to Christ, by love. How can this sense of love be reached? By +centring the wheel of the mind, with its daily spinning thoughts, upon the Man +Jesus, and learning to inwardly see and hold on to the perfect simplicity and love of Jesus +Christ. We can form the habit of taking Jesus as our heart and mind companion. +We are all aware of the unceasing necessity of the mind to fill itself: we +cannot have <i>no </i>thoughts until we have advanced in the spiritual life to a +long distance. We may well see, in this, one of the provisions made by God for +His own habitation in the mind of man—a habitation too often hideously usurped +by every kind of unworthy substitute. Petty social interests and occupations, +personal animosities, ambitions, worries, a revolving endless chaos of +futilities, known and praised by too many of us as "a busy life"!—the mind +being given opportunity only at long intervals, and usually at stated and set +times, to dwell upon the thought of God, and the marvellous future of the human +spirit. We are like travellers who, about to start out upon a great journey, +pack their portmanteaus with everything that will be <i>perfectly useless to them</i>!</p> + +<p>Now, it is possible to put out and obliterate this chaotic and +useless state of mind, which would appear to be the "natural mind," and to open +ourselves to receive the might and force and the joys and delights of Christ's +Mind. These joys are the Heart of Christ speaking to the heart of His lover. +They are incomparable: beyond all imagination until we know them; and we receive +them and perceive them and enjoy them as we have largeness and capacity to +contain them. For there is no end. He has ever more to give if we will be but +large enough to receive.</p> +<p>We are too absorbed in the puerile interests and occupations of +daily life. We make of these endless occupations a virtue. They are no virtue, +but a deadly hindrance, for they keep us too busy to look for the one thing +needful—the Kingdom of God. What is this world? It is a schoolhouse for lovers, and we are lovers in the making.</p> +<p>Is baptism of itself sufficient to get us into this Kingdom? No. +Is the leading of an orderly social life sufficient to find it? No. Is the hope, +even the earnest expectation, that we shall, by some means or other (we do not +know by what!), be brought to it, sufficient to find it? No; not without the <i> +personal laying hold </i>can we ever achieve it. Shall we find it in much +outward study? No; and our aim is, not to be the student but the possessor; and +the key to this possession is not in books, but, for us, in Jesus. He it is who +must be invited and admitted into the heart with great tenderness—with all those +virtues for which He stands—and made the centre point of thought. Out of +constant thought grows tenderness; out of tenderness, affection; out of +affection, love. Love once firmly fixed in the heart for Jesus, we get a +perception (by contrast) of our own faults—very painful, and known as repentance. This should be succeeded +at once by change of mind, <i>i.e. </i>we try to push out the old way of +thinking and acting and take on a new way. We try, in fact, strenuously to +please the Beloved, to be in harmony with Him; and now we have established a +personal relationship between ourselves and Christ.</p> +<p>With the perception of our own failings comes the necessary +humility and the drastic elimination of all prides. We remember, too, that +although Jesus is so near to us, and our own Beloved, He is also the mighty Son +of God.</p> +<p>He is also the mystical Christ, who, when we are ready, leads us +to the Father: which is to say, that we are suddenly stricken with the +consciousness of and the love for God; and here we enter that most wonderful of +all earthly experiences—the Soul's great Garden of Happiness.</p> +<p>To be a student of theories, dogmas, laws, and writings of men is to be involved in endless +controversy; and we may study books till we are sick, and embrace nothing but +vapour for all our pains. To be a pupil and possessor we must first establish +the personal relationship between ourselves and Jesus. To do this we must +realise more fully than we now do that He <i>still lives. </i>The mind is +inclined to dwell on Him mostly as <i>having lived. </i>When we have taught +ourselves to realise that Jesus is as intensely alive to everything that we do +as He was when He visibly walked with men—that Jesus is as easily aware of our +inmost thoughts and endeavours now as He was of the secret thoughts of His +disciples,—then we shall have brought Him much closer into our own life.</p> +<p>As the possessor of life is not the student of schools, but is +the pupil of Christ, let us prepare ourselves to be pupils; and this again we do +solely by the help of the Man-Jesus, who is in Christ, and Christ in Jesus. For the Christ-God is at first too +strong a meat for us: we cannot with fullness understand that He is God, but He +Himself will teach us this when we are ready to know it. To know this truth in +its fullness is already to possess eternal life.</p> +<p>As no man is able to give us eternal life, so no man is able to +give us the knowledge that Christ is God, as He willed to reveal Himself to man. +If we have doubts which hurt, let us drop them out, changing the thought quickly +to the sweetness, simplicity, and gentleness of the Man-Jesus. If we have +questionings, let us cease to question, and say with the man of old, "Lord, I +believe; help Thou mine unbelief."</p> +<p>We do well to avoid these questionings, pryings, and +curiosities, for when we indulge in such things we are like that common servant +who does not disdain to peep through the keyhole of his master's chamber! Let us +put such spiritual vulgarities upon one side, and, opening our heart +to lovely Love, take Him as our only guide. Love draws us very rapidly to His +own abiding-place, for we are made of love, and because of love, and for love, +and to Love we must return, for He awaits us with longing.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We often think, Where am I at fault? I am unable to <i>see </i> +myself as a sinner, though publicly I confess myself to be one. For I keep the +commandments; I am friendly to my neighbours; I am just to my fellow-men; I can +think of no particular harm that I do. Why, then, am I a sinner? And our very +modesty and reverence may forbid us to compare ourselves with God. Yet here lies +our mistake; for if we would enter the Garden of Happiness and Peace, which is +the Kingdom of God, this is the commencement of our advance—that we should +compare ourselves in all things with God, in whose likeness we are made, and, making such full observation as we are +able of the terrible gulfs between ourselves and Him, should with tears and +humility and constant endeavour be at great pains and stress to make good to Him +our deficiencies.</p> +<p> "Be ye perfect as I am perfect."<br> + "Be ye holy as I am holy." </p> +<p>If +this were not attainable, He would not have set so high a goal. In this, then, +we are sinners—that we are not pure and lovely as God Himself! This is a +prodigious, an almost unthinkable height; yet He wills us to attempt it, and all +the powers of Heaven are with us as we climb.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Fear curiosity. Fear it more than sin. Curiosity is the root, +and sin the flower. This is one of the reasons why we should never seek God +merely with the intelligence: to do so is to seek Him, in part at least, with +curiosity. God will not be peeped upon by a curious humanity. The indulgence in curiosity would of itself explain the whole downfall, so called, +of man.</p> +<p>The Soul is the Prodigal. Curiosity <i>to know </i>led her away +from the high heavens. Love is her only way of return.</p> +<p>Curiosity is the mother of all infidelity, whether of the spirit +or of the body.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Though on reading the Gospels carefully we may be unable to come +to any other conclusion than that Jesus Christ neither prayed for nor died for +all mankind, but only for the elect, yet we see equally clearly that all mankind +is <i>invited to be the elect. </i>We are, then, not individually sure of heaven +because Jesus died upon a cross for men; but sure of heaven for ourselves, only +if we individually will to live and think and act in such a manner that <i>we +become of the elect</i>.</p> + +<p>"Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out," says the +Voice of the Beloved.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>In our early stages, how we shrink from the mere word, or idea, +of perfection; and later, what we would give to be able to achieve it! Yet +though we shrink so from the thought of it, we know instinctively that we must +try to approach it; if we would stay near Him, we must be wholly pleasing to +Him. We think of saints—we know nothing of saints, but think of them as most +unusual persons midway between men and angels, and know ourselves not fashioned +for any such position: and how change ourselves, how alter our character, as +grown men and women?</p> +<p>It is Christ who can show us the way.</p> +<p>The Water of Life is the Mind of Christ, and the true object of +life is to learn how to receive this Mind of Christ: for by it and with it we +enter the Kingdom of God. And how shall we receive the Mind of Christ? Here is +our difficulty. Firstly, we may do it through sympathy with, and a drawing near to, the Man-Jesus, accompanied by such drastic changes of +mind as we are able to accomplish <i>to show our goodwill. </i>We may learn to +become more unselfish, more patient, more sympathetic to others, and to curb the +tongue, so that words which are untrue or unkind shall not slip off it. We can +learn to govern the animal that is in us, instead of being governed by it. No +one could have a better guide in how to improve the condition of his mind than +Aaron Crane's book, <i>Right and Wrong Thinking</i>.</p> + +<p>And next, having become well knitted to the Man-Jesus, the +Christ will draw us forward step by step through all the next inward stages, we +giving to Him our attention; and He will bring us finally to that marvellous +condition of God-consciousness by which He is able to perpetually refresh and +renew us. There is one great first rule to hold to, which is <i>to think +lovingly of Jesus</i>: in this way we eventually and automatically <i>come into +a state of love. </i>In which state He will teach us to put +out our own little light, that we may learn to live by the lovely light of God. +And we have entered the Kingdom!</p> +<p>For myself, I experienced three conversions: the first two of +terrible suffering, and the third of great and marvellous joy, in which it is no +exaggeration to say that for a few moments I seemed to receive God and all the +freedom of the Heavens into my soul. I am not able to say exactly how long this +experience lasted, for I was dead to time and place, but I should judge it to +have been from fifteen to twenty minutes.</p> +<p>The first conversion came upon me one afternoon in my room, as I +came in from walking. I had been thinking of Jesus while I walked, as I was +often in the habit of doing. Without any intention or premeditation on my part, +I was now suddenly overwhelmed by a most horrible, unbearable, inexplicable pain +of remorse for my vileness: for I seemed suddenly to be aware of Him standing +there in His marvellous purity and looking at me—not with any reproach, but +with the sweetness of a wonderful Invitation upon His face. And immediately I +saw myself utterly unworthy to come near Him: and I writhed in the agony of this +fearful perception of my unworthiness till I could bear no more. I was sick and +ill with remorse and regret, I was utterly broken up by it. I did not know then +that this awful pain is what is known as repentance, and wondered secretly what +could have come to me. After this I found myself far more constantly thinking of +Jesus—exchanging, as it were, sweet confidences with Him, telling Him what I +thought, and endeavouring in every possible way to follow His manner of thought. +I am ashamed to say I was very remiss and lazy in prayers; upon my knees I +prayed very little indeed. But I was very faithful and warm and tender to Him in my heart, and this had an effect upon my mind and actions, +and continued for two years.</p> +<p>I would be assailed by many questionings during this time. For +instance, how could my sweet Jesus, whom I was always so near to, be the mighty +Christ and God? But I dropped these out as they came, feeling myself altogether +too small to understand these things, and very much frightened by such +greatnesses.</p> +<p>When I was alone with Jesus, all was so simple and so lovely; so +I put away all other thoughts and held closely to Jesus.</p> +<p>This having continued almost exactly the two years, upon Easter +morning, at the close of the service, the horrible anguish came on me again as I +knelt in the church. I was not able to move or to show my face for more than an +hour; and to this day I am not able to dwell upon the memory of that awful pain, +for I think I should go mad if I had to enter again into so great a torture of the spirit. I endured to +the utmost limit of my capacity for suffering—for this I will say of myself, I +did not draw back, but went on to the bitter end. And the suffering was caused +by the sight of that most terrible of all sights: the vision of myself as over +against the vision of Jesus Christ, and I died a death for every fault. Whoever +has felt the true wailing of the soul, such an one knows the heights of all +spiritual pain. The heart and mind, or creature, suffers in depths; but the soul +in heights, and this at one and the same time, so that the pain of repentance is +everywhere. And the depth of the suffering of the creature is coequal with the +height of the suffering of the soul, and the joint suffering of both would seem +to be of coequal promise and merit for their after joy and glory; so that it +would seem that the more horrible our pain, the quicker is our deliverance and +the greater our later joys.</p> +<p>After this, Jesus, without my knowing how it came about, passed +out from the Perfect Man into the Christ of God. I walked and talked with Him no +longer just as sweet Jesus, but as the Marvellous and Mighty Risen Lord! And now +I became far more changed. The world and all earthly loves began to fade; they +no longer satisfied or filled me in the least. How could I contemplate His +exquisite perfections, the ineffable beauties of His mind and heart, and, +turning from these to the sight of the world and of the men and women that I +knew, not feel the difference? Where among my friends could I find perfect love? +Amongst husbands and wives? No. Amongst mothers and children? No. For everywhere +I saw discord, secret selfishness, separate and divided desires, and many +deceits. I found no love anywhere like His for us. I was always an epicure in +the matter of love, and knew the best when I found it. I continued with my social and home life exactly as +before: the change was an inward change.</p> +<p>Almost immediately after this the war came, and, with it, +torments of anxiety over my earthly loves.</p> +<p>The fearful anxieties I was in drove me to prayer. I began to +pray more regularly; but though I prayed, I remained as miserable as before. A +painful illness came, and lasted four months. I had no home because of the war, +and nowhere to be ill in peace: and I drank and ate wretchedness as my daily +bread and wine, and wondered why I ever was born.</p> +<p>I cannot recall I was ever rebellious. No, I never was. I walked +in a maze of trouble, and endured like a poor dumb thing, <i>and did not throw +out my heart to God enough </i>in prayer. If I had done this I think I should +have been through my pains in half the time.</p> +<p>Two years went by, and, being in greater anxiety than ever +because of a great battle that was going on and my love at the front of it, +I went up on the hill where I often went, and standing there I contended with +God, crying out, "It is too much—the pain of this war is too great and too long; +I cannot bear it. I am at an end of everything. Help me! Help me!" And in my +anguish I seemed at last to be melted and running like water before Him, and I +came before Him as it were immediately before a mighty and living Presence, +though I saw nothing.</p> +<p>But though I was so near Him and appealed to Him with the whole +of my strength, there was no answer, no reply, but the great silence of heaven.</p> +<p>At last, my agony over, I walked for a little, very quiet and +very sad, and all at once a marvellous thing happened to me. I will not here +describe how it was done to me, but He filled me with love for Himself, an +amazing, all-absorbing, and tremendous love—from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet I was filled with love. And this was His +answer—and all my sorrows fled away in a great joy.</p> +<p>This third conversion produced a fundamental alteration of my +whole outlook and grasp on life. It brought me into direct contact with God, and +was the commencement of a total change of heart and mind and consciousness; the +centre of my consciousness, without any effort of my own, suddenly moving bodily +from a concentration upon the visible or earthly to a loving and absorbed +concentration upon, and a fixed attention to, the Invisible God—a most amazing, +undreamed-of change, which remained permanent, though fluctuating through +innumerable degrees of intensity before coming to a state of equilibrium. And +now Christ went away from me, so that I adored Him in God. After this for some +weeks I went through extraordinary spiritual experiences, the like of which had +never previously so much as entered into my heart to imagine; again I will say nothing here of these. I came to all +these experiences with great innocence and ignorance, never having read any +religious or psychological book, and I think now that it is perhaps easier to +have it so.</p> +<p>Knowing that nothing is done without a purpose, I would question +myself what I could possibly be intended to learn out of these things; and +though I have never yet found a reason for any one given experience, yet I see +this: the whole (which lasted for some weeks and was gone through at night and +always in a state of semi-wakefulness, though not in a normal wakefulness, for +the body would be stiff and set like a board)—the whole was the most convincing +proof that He could have given me (without destroying my flesh) of the reality +of the life unseen. For how otherwise could we be made to know of the reality of +spiritual things if we were never <i>taken into </i>them? And having been taken into them, and they being a thousand times more +poignant than any earthly experience, how could we forget them? Whenever doubts +upon anything presented themselves, I had nothing more to do than to Remember! +Nothing He could have devised to do for me could have been of greater or more +direct assistance to me. These experiences were to my creature what the +centre-board is to the racing yacht. With these memories I could keep an even +keel, and without them I must have capsized many a time.</p> +<p>By these spiritual experiences He gives us an immense courage, +and personal knowledge of a mysterious and hitherto unknown life of joys so +great and so intense that all sufferings endured by us here appear to us in +their true light as being a melting and cleansing agency infinitely worth while, +that we may gain in permanence such exquisite felicity.</p> +<p>Our means of reaching a personal experience, whilst still in the body, of such a life of joys is +to harmonise the spirit of our human creature to the degree of purity required +by the soul to enable her in unfettered freedom to perform her divine functions.</p> +<p>We confuse in our minds the two separate essences—that of the +soul and that of the human spirit (heart, intelligence, and will), which are +widely different; the soul acting for us as the wings of the creature. And above +and superior to the soul, and yet within it, is the divine and incorruptible +Spirit or Sparkle of God, which in its turn acts as the wings of the soul. So we +have the worm (or creature-spirit), the soul; and the Celestial Spark, or Divine +Intelligence of the soul, which is the organ of God, and with which we are able +to come in <i>sensible contact </i>with the divine world and God Himself. What +are our enemies? Selfishness, impatience, covetousness, pride, ill-temper, +bodily indulgences, and, above all, indifference to God of the will of the creature.</p> +<p>After this third, and last, conversion upon the hill, which so +altered my whole life, I was for a period of some months in such a state of +exaltation and enhancement of all my faculties that I did not know myself at +all. I was, without any intention or endeavour on my own part, suddenly become +like a veritable House of Arts! The most beautiful music flowed through my mind, +in which I noticed certain peculiarities—there was no sadness in it, and it +swayed me so that I seemed to go into a state of white-heat with emotion over +it. It was extraordinarily much smoother than any earth-music I ever heard, and +extremely consecutive, like a fluid. Now with earth-music I find that even +Wagner is not able to achieve any consecutive perfection: he reaches to a +height—only to fall back and disappoint. But this other music, which is not +heard with the senses but is invariably felt by the soul, remains at extreme and fluid +perfection, and casts such spells over the listener that he is beside himself +with enjoyment. Colour and form, imagery of all kinds, would pass through me +till I felt like an artist, and cried out with regret, "Oh, if I had only +studied this or that art and knew the grounding of it, what heights of +proficiency I could reach now!" An object of quite ordinary charm seemed, +because of that something which now filled me, to expand into prodigious beauty! +The very pavements and houses, mean and hideous as they are, overflowed with +some inexplicable glamour. The world was turned into a veritable paradise! When +I thought of it all I was filled with amazement, and still am, for how can we +explain such changes in manner of living and seeing? At this time my only +trouble or difficulty was to conceal my condition from others. </p> +<p>But this +wonderful state of things gradually passed away, and I went into a most difficult +condition. At one time of the day I would be in an ecstasy of delight, and an +hour later in some altogether unreasonable depth of wretchedness. I went to and +fro from one extreme to the other, and my time was, I think, mostly spent in +trying to regain some kind of balance. My love for God was as great as ever, but +it had become a love all made of tears. Indeed, my whole being seemed made of +tears. I thought often of these words, the peace of God; most certainly I had +not found it. On the contrary, my life had become an indescribable turmoil. I +found no help from my fellow-beings; I seemed to have lost the power of talking +pleasantly with them, and my point of view had become different from theirs. Men +could no longer please me, and I could not please God! I was entirely alone +spiritually, and I said to myself it would be better if I could be alone +physically as well; and I ached and longed and dreamed of solitude till it was like a sickness. +But the only solitude I could have was in my own room.</p> +<p>Now, believing myself to be a sensible and practical person, I +would say to myself that my condition, being so unreasonable, must be got out +of, and I must make every effort to do it. I prayed for two things—that I might +love God with a cheerful countenance and not with tears, and that He would teach +me quickly what to pray for; and He gave me the impulse to pray for more and +greater love.</p> +<p>Next, I banished my own feelings as much as I could (since love +must not think of itself), paying as little attention to them as possible by +perpetually dropping them out as they came and returning to the thought of +Jesus, concerning myself at all times of the day to loving inward conversation +with Him; and in this manner I fastened myself closer than ever to Him, +continually praying for greater love to give Him and passionately offering Him all that I +already had, whilst with all my will and strength I tried to climb out of my +miserable state. Soon I succeeded—I was out of it in a matter of weeks.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>How humanity is extolled by its own kind! How men are admired, +even glorified! I am amazed, for where is the glory of any man? But rather, how +wonderful and glorious is God! that He should cause to spring from one handful +of dust such possibilities! Wonderful God! And blessed man, that he should have +so wonderful a God!</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Some men say that man has invented for himself the thought of +God, because of the great need he feels within himself for such a Being.</p> +<p>Yet look where we will in Nature, do we find a warrant for such +a thought? Are babes inspired with the desire for milk, and is that milk withheld from the nature of all mothers? +No; to the babe is given the desire because the mother has wherewith to satisfy. +So with grown men: for to us is given a deep and secret desire for the milk of +God's love, and to Himself He has reserved the joy of leading us to it and +bestowing it upon us.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Sometimes for a short while the soul will suffer from a sickness +(I speak now for persons already very well advanced); she is parched and without +sweetness. Her love has no joy in it. This is not a condition to be accepted or +acquiesced in, but must be overcome at once by a remedy of prayer: prayer +addressed to the Father, <i>in the name of Jesus Christ, </i>a prayer of praise +and adoration—"I praise and bless and love and thank Thee, I praise and bless +and love and worship Thee, I praise and bless and love and glorify Thee"—till +the heart is fired and we return to the intimacy of love. Or the Lord's Prayer, very slow, and with an intention both outgoing +and <i>intaking. </i>So far I have never known these remedies to fail, and joy +floods the soul and sends her swinging up, up, on to the topmost heights again. +It is magnificent.</p> +<p>How is it that we can pass so, up from the visible into the +Invisible, and become so oned with it, and feel it so powerfully, that the +Invisible becomes a thousand times more real to us than the visible! It is like +a different manner of living altogether. And when anyone so living finds himself +even for a short time unfastened from this way of living and back again to what +is known to the average as normal life, this normal life seems no better to him +than some horrible chaotic and uneven turmoil, and his brain ready to be turned +if he had to remain in it for long. When so unfastened, the whole savour of life +is completely gone, and a smallness of mind and outlook is fallen back into from which the soul recoils in horror and struggles quickly to +free herself.</p> +<p>Is this the remnant of the unruly creature rising up and +grappling with the soul again? Is this some deliberate trial of us by the +Master? or some natural spiritual sickness? Whilst in this condition we must +disappoint the Beloved. On the other hand, we find ourselves kept to the +knowledge of our own impotence and nothingness and dependence, and the spirit is +strengthened by the efforts made quickly to recover the lost beautiful estate.</p> +<p>Also we become more able to feel true patience and compassion +for such others as do not know the way of escape. So we gain, maybe, more than +we lose.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We may wonder how it is that the Mighty Maker of the Universe +should choose to condescend to the mere individual piece of clay. It is +incomprehensible. It is so incomprehensible that there is but one way of looking at it. This is no +favouritism to the individual, but the evidence of a Mind with a vast plan +pursuing a way and using a likely individual. These individuals or willing souls +He takes and, setting them apart, fashions them to His own ends and liking. Of +one He will make a worker, and of another He fashions to Himself a lover. It +would seem to be His will to use the human implement to help the human. As +water, for usefulness to the many, must be collected and put through channels, +so it would seem must the beneficence of God be collected into human vessels and +channels that it may be distributed for the use of the many and the more feeble.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The more any man will consider humanity, the more he will see +that the education of the heart and will is of more importance than the +education of the brain. For in the perfectly trained and educated heart and will we find the evidence of highest wisdom.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Why mortify the body with harsh austerities? When we +over-mortify the body with fastings, pains, and penances we are <i>remembering +the flesh. </i>Let us aim at the forgetting and not the despising of the flesh. +A sick body can be a great hindrance to the soul. By keeping the body in a state +of perfect wholesomeness we can more easily pass away from the recollection of +it. Chastise the mind rather than the body. Christ taught, not the contempt or +wilful neglect of the body, but the humble submission of the body to all <i> +circumstances, </i>the obedience of the will to God, and the glorious and +immeasurable possibilities of the human spirit.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We know that the love of the heart can be beautiful and full of +zeal and fervour; but the love of the soul by comparison to it is like a +furnace, and the capacities of the heart are not worthy to be named in the +same breath. Yet, deplorable as is the heart of man, it is evidently desired by +God, and must be given to Him before He will waken the soul. To my belief, we +are quite unable to awaken our own soul, though we are able to <i>will </i>to +love God with the heart, and through this we pass up to the border of the Veil +of Separation, where He will <i>sting the soul into life </i>and we have +Perception.</p> +<p>After which the soul will often be swept or plucked up into +immeasurable glories and delights which are neither imagined nor contrived, nor +even desired by her at first—for how can we desire that which we have never +heard of and cannot even imagine? And these delights are unimaginable before the +soul is caught up into them, and to my experience they constantly differ. The +soul knows herself to be in the hands and the power of another, outside herself. She does not enter these joys of her own power or of her own +will, but by permission and intention and will of a force outside herself though +perceived and known inside herself. No lovers of arguments or guessing games can +move the soul to listen when she has once been so handled. For to know is more +than to guess.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>How can a Contact with God be in any way described? It is not +seeing, but meeting and fusion with awareness. The soul retaining her own +individuality and consciousness to an intense degree, but imbued with and fused +into a life of incredible intensity, which passes through the soul vitalities +and emotions of a life so new, so vivid, so amazing, that she knows not whether +she has been embraced by love or by fire, by joy or by anguish: for so fearful +is her joy that she is almost unable to endure the might of it. And how can the +heat or fire of God be described? It is very far from being like the cruelty of +fire, and yet it is so tremendous that the mind knows of little else to compare +it to. But it is like a vibration of great speed and heat, like a fluid and +magnetic heat.</p> +<p>This heat is of many degrees and of several kinds. The heat of +Christ is mixed with indescribable sweetness: giving marvellous pleasure and +refreshment and happiness, and wonderfully adapted to the delicacy of the human +creature. The heat of the Godhead is very different, and sometimes we may even +feel it to be cruel and remorseless in its very terrible and swift intensity. +But the soul, like all great lovers, never flinches or hangs back, but +passionately lends herself. If He chose to kill her with this joy she would +gladly have it so.</p> +<p>By these incomprehensible wonders He seems to say to the +creature: "Come thou here, that I may teach thee what is Joy; come thou here, +that I may teach thee what is <i>Life. </i>For none are permitted to +teach of these things save I Myself."</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>There is another manner. The Spirit comes upon the soul in waves +of terrible power. Now in a rapture God descends upon the soul, catching her +suddenly up in a marvellous embrace: magnetising her, ravishing her. He is come, +and He is gone. In an ecstasy the soul goes out prepared to meet Him, seeking +Him by praise and prayer, pouring up her love towards Him; and He, condescending +to her, fills her with unspeakable delights, and at rare times He will catch her +from an ecstasy into a greater rapture. At least, so it is with me: the ecstasy +is prepared for, but in the quicker rapture (or catching up) it is He that seeks +the soul. These two conditions, though given very intermittently, become a +completely natural experience. I should say that the soul lived by this way: it +is her food and her life, which she receives with all the simplicity and naturalness of the +hungry man turning to his bodily food. But these waves of power were something +altogether new and very hard to endure. As each wave passed I would come up out +of it, as it were, gasping. It was as if something too great for the soul to +contain was being forced through her. It was as if one should try to force at +fearful pressure fluid through a body too solid to be percolated by it. I +understood nothing of what could be intended by such happenings, neither could I +give accommodation to this intensity. I tried to make myself a wholly willing +receptacle and instrument, but after the third day of this I could not bear any +more. I was greatly distressed. I could not understand what was required of me. +I gave myself totally to Him, and it was not enough. And at last I cried to Him, +saying: "I understand nothing: forgive me, my God, for my great foolishness, but +Thy power is too much for me. Do what Thou wilt with me; I am +altogether Thine. Drown me with Thy strength, break me in pieces—I am willing; +only do it quickly, my Lord, and have done with it, for I am so small. But I +love Thee with all that I have or am; yet I am overwhelmed: I am still too +little to be taught in this way, it is too much for my strength. Yet do as Thou +wilt; I love Thee, I love Thee." And He heard me, and He ceased: and He returned +to the ways that I understood and dearly loved, and for weeks I lived in +Paradise. But my body was dreadfully shaken, and I suffered with my heart and +breathing.</p> +<p>Shortly after I began to know that another change had come into +me. God had become intensely my Father, and Christ the lover was gone up again +into the Godhead—as happened after my third conversion upon the hill.</p> +<p>So great, so tremendous was this sense of the <i>Fatherhood </i> +of God become that I had only to think the word Father to seem to be instantly +transported into His very bosom. Oh, the mighty sweetness of it! But it is not +an ecstasy. The creature and soul are dead to world-life, as in a rapture or +ecstasy; but the soul is not the bride, she is the child, and, full of eager and +adoring intimacy, she flies into His ever-open arms, and never, never does she +miss the way. Oh, the sweetness of it, the great, great glory of it, and the +folly of words! If only all the world of men and women could have this joy! How +to help even one soul towards it is what fills my heart and mind. How convince +them, how induce them to take the first steps? It is the first steps we need to +take. He does not drive, He calls. "Come to Me," He calls. It is this failure to +have the will to go to Him which is the root of all human woe. Would we but take +the first few steps towards Him, He will carry us all the rest of the way. These +first few steps we take holding to the hand of Jesus. For the so-called +Christian there is no other way (but he is no Christian until he has taken it). +For the Buddhist, doubtless, Gautama is permitted to do the same. But for those +who are baptized in Jesus Christ's name, He is their only Way.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>God, once found, is so poignantly ever-present to the soul that +we must sing and whisper to Him all the day.</p> +<p>O marvellous and exquisite God! I am so enraptured by Thy +nearness, I am so filled with love and joy, that there is no one, nothing, in +heaven or earth to me save Thine Own Self, and I could die for love of Thee! +Indeed I am in deep necessity to find Thee at each moment of the day, for so +great is Thy glamour that without Thee my days are like bitter waters and a +mouthful of gravel to a hungry man. How long wilt Thou leave me here—set down +upon the earth in this martyrdom of languishing for love of Thee? And suddenly, when the pain can be endured no more, He +embraces the soul. Then where do sorrow and waiting fly? and what is pain? There +never were such things!</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We do well never to recall past ecstasies. In this way the soul +comes to each encounter with a lovely freshness and purity, and neither makes +comparisons nor curious comments, but gives herself wholly to love. But by these +contacts the soul gains a secret and personal knowledge of God: without sight +and without reasoning she actually feels to partake of God, so that she passes +by these means far up beyond belief, into experiences of knowledge which in +their poignant intensity are at once an ineffable violence and a marvellous +white peace.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>I find the lark the most wonderful of all birds. I cannot listen +to his rhapsodies without being inspired (no matter what I may be in the midst of doing or saying) to throw +up my own love to God. In the soaring insistence of his song and passion I find +the only thing in Nature which so suggests the high-soaring and rapturous +flights of the soul. But I am glad that we surpass the lark in sustaining a far +more lengthy and wonderful flight; and that we sing, not downwards to an earthly +love, but upwards to a heavenly.</p> +<p>To my mind, this is man's only justification for considering +himself above the beasts—that we can love, and communicate with, God. For where +otherwise is his superiority? He builds fine buildings which crumble and decay. +He digs holes in the earth to take out treasures which he has not made; and if +he makes himself the very highest tower of wealth or fame, he must come down +from it and be buried in the earth like any other carcase.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>It is better not to contend, either with others or against our +own body. If we contend against anything we impress it the more firmly upon our +consciousness. So if we would overcome the lusts of the body, let us do it not +by harming or by contending against the body, which but emphasises its powers +and importance, but let us rather proceed to ignore and make little of the body +by forgetting it and passing out of it into higher things; and eventually we +shall learn to live, not in the lower state, but in the joy of the soul. Why +have a contempt for the body? I once did, and found that I was committing a +great sin against the Maker of it.</p> +<p>How dare we say "my body is vile," when He fashioned it! It is +blasphemous, when we consider that it is His Temple.</p> +<p>To my mind the body is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and is +greatly sinned against by our evil hearts and minds and tongues. The body would do no harm if we, with our free-will, did not think out the +wickedness first in our own hearts. For first we commit theft and adultery with +the mind, and then we cause the body to carry out these things. We know that the +body is under the law, and its appetites are under the law, but the heart and +mind and tongue are perpetual breakers of this law. It is lawful for the body to +take its meat and drink, but not to be surfeited and drunken. It is lawful for +the body to have its desires and its loves, but not to be promiscuous and +unfaithful.</p> +<p>But we know that a better way is to turn all appetites and +greeds to this, that we be greedy and ravenous for Christ. Only so shall we use +the appetites of mind and heart and body for their true end, and that not by +despising but by conversion.</p> +<p>With great insistence I have been taught not to despise anything +whatever in Creation of <i>things made </i>in His most beautiful and wonderful +world, though often I may cry with tears, "Lord God! raise me to a +world holier and nearer to Thyself, for I am heartbroken here."</p> +<p>Yet I am taught only to despise such things as lying, +deceitfulness, hypocrisy, and uncleanness—in fact, stenches of the heart and +mind,—and not to think too much about these, but, passing on, drop out the +recollection of them in thoughts of finer things.</p> +<p>His inward instruction has been this, quietly to lay upon one +side all that which is not pleasing to God; and one by one, and piece by piece, +to fold up and put away all that He does not love.</p> +<p>Above all, He has taught me to have no self-esteem and no +prides; and to such a degree do I have to learn this, that, without the smallest +exaggeration, I am hardly ever able to think myself the equal of a dog. But the +love of a dog for his master is a very fine thing.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>I think we mistake our own power and capacity in even seeking to +imitate the Christ; let us begin rather by taking into our heart and our mind +the Christ as the Man-Jesus. For His love and power only can show us the way to +imitate the Christ which is in Him.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Is the temporary loss of grace our fault, or is it a deliberate +withdrawal and testing upon His part? Both. Every condition that we are in which +is not pure and perfect of its kind, such as pure peace, pure joy, pure harmony, +is because of failure on our part to <i>hold </i>to Him. Whenever, and for so +long, as we keep ourselves in the single and simple condition of mind and heart +necessary for the perception and reception of Him, for just so long shall we +receive and perceive him; but this condition again we cannot maintain without +grace. All loss of joy, of serenity, of contact, is failure, then, on our part +or withdrawal upon His. Yet we learn a bitter but useful lesson by these losses of +ability for connection. To return ignominiously to our dust is a most bitter +humiliation and trial—indeed, a desolation. Now, if we did not so return we +might suppose ourselves able, of our own power, not only to achieve momentary +connection with the Divine, but to remain at will in this sublime condition, by +which I mean in a state bordering upon ecstasy. The withdrawal of grace +therefore would seem to be a necessary part of the education and of the constant +humbling of the soul. To find ourselves, of our own unaided capacity, by the +mere force of our own will, able to constantly go up to so high a level would +inevitably foster pride; indeed, to attain such a capacity would seem to place +us on a level with the angels!</p> +<p>By these withdrawals of grace, which came at first very +tenderly, but gradually with greater and greater severity, I have learnt this: that in spite of all that has been +done for me, of all that I have experienced, in spite of all the heights to +which at times I have been raised, I remain nothing better than the frailest and +unworthiest thing! The sight of an ugly grey cloud, momentarily and gloriously +illumined by the sun, is a sufficient illustration of the temporary +transformation of our own selves touched by the light and the glory of God.</p> +<p>For the carrying out of His plan, it would seem to be His good +pleasure that we are just what we are—not angels, but little human things, full +of simplicity and trust and love. "Like dear children," as St Paul says; and +yet, oh! wonder of wonders! <i>far more than this. </i>For whilst we patiently +wait, from time to time He stoops and embraces the soul in an infinite bliss, in +which we are no more children, but are caught up into High Love.</p> +<p>At first when we begin this new kind of living He holds us +firmly, as it were, to a condition suitable for contact with Him. If He did not +do so, having had no previous practice, we should never remain in it for two +moments together. Then little by little He teaches us to live with less frequent +joy, and this is the cause of much difficulty and trouble. It is hard to endure +being without this blessed state and these marvellous favours, and more and more +I found He withdrew them whilst often my worldly and commonplace heart and mind +still held me back—<i>even from peace. </i>If we could but rid ourselves quickly +of all selfish desires and greeds! Not until I had learnt to do this was I given +back my joys, and then sparingly.</p> +<p>How I would turn towards that secret door—the door of the +kingdom of love,—and calling to Him, hear no reply! Where is He gone?—why this +desertion?—I would cry. How can He cause such pain, how can I bear such dreadful deprivations, +and what is love but a sharp sword? Lord, let me hear Thy voice, for I am in +despair; I cannot bear these pains, I fear for everything, my joy is lost. My +bread is spread with bitterness; where is the honey that I love so well? Lord, +call to me even from far away, and I shall hear and be consoled. Lord, I am sick +and ill—how canst Thou leave me so? Hast Thou no pity for my pain?—is this Thy +love? <i>My </i>pain! Lord, I remember! Thou hast been kissed by pain more +frequently than I. Oh, let me wipe the memory of Thy pain away with my warm +love, and let me sing to Thee and be Thy lark, and do Thou go and wander where +Thou wilt and I will love Thee just the same! And softly the Voice of the +Beloved, saying: "I am here, I never left thee; but thou wast busy crying of thy +pains and did not hear Me when I answered thee." Lord, so I was! I was so filled +with self, and, asking for <i>Thy gifts, I did forget to give! </i>and so +lost love.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>It is hard to conquer in small things, petty irritations, +worries, cares of this world, likes and dislikes—all of these being subtle +temptations, and all selfish. For instance, very often I find the human voice +the most horrible thing that I know! I will be in a beautiful state of mind, and +people around me will drag me from it with their maddening inanities of +conversation. This one will speak of the weather, and that one of food; another +of scandal, another of amusements. They will talk of their love for a dog, for a +horse, for golf, for men or women; but never do I hear at any time, or anywhere, +anyone speak of their love for God. I must listen to all their loves, but if I +should venture to speak of mine they would look at me amazed; indeed, I never +should dare to do it. And this is perhaps the greatest weakness that I have to fight against now, and one that spoils the harmony of the mind +more than any other—that I cannot always control myself from secret though +unspoken irritation, impatience, and criticisms; and to criticise is to judge, +and in this there is wrong, and the smallest breeze of wrong is enough to +blow to—even to close—the door into that other lovely world. And not only this, +but every such failure is a disappointment to the Beloved. Many times I say to +Him, "What canst Thou do with us all, Beloved—such a mass of selfish, foolish, +blundering, sinful creatures, all hanging and pulling on to Thee at the same +moment?" And I will be filled with a passionate desire to so progress that I +may stand a little alone and not be a perpetual drag upon Him, and, feeling +strong, perhaps I will say: "I will give up my share of Thee to someone else, +and not draw upon Thee for a little while, my Beloved Lord." But oh, in less +than an hour, if He should take me at my word! I could cry and moan like a small child, in my horrible +emptiness and longing for Him. And where now is my strength?—I have not an ounce +of it without Him! By this I learn in my own person how He is life itself to us, +in all ways. He is the air, the bread, and the blood of the soul, and no one can +live without at every moment drawing upon Him, though they do it insensibly. +What a weight to carry, what a burden, this whole hungry clamouring mass of +disobedient men and women! Oh, my Beloved, how frequently I weep for all Thy +bitter disappointment—never ending!</p> +<p>But this we may be sure of—that all the marvels of His grace are +not poured out on some poor scrappit for no other reason than to give him +pleasure. There is a vast purpose behind it all, and by keenest attention we +must pick up this purpose, understand it, <i>and do it. </i>This is the true +work of man, to love God with all the heart and mind and soul and strength, and not those material +works with which we all so easily satisfy ourselves and our consciences, and our +<i>bodily </i>needs.</p> +<p>He has marvellous ways (and very difficult to the beginner) of +conveying His wishes. To my finding, the inward life of us is like a perpetual +interchange of conversation between the heart and its many desires and the mind +(which for myself I put into three parts—the intelligence, the will, the +reason). Now, all these parts of my heart and of my mind formerly occupied +themselves entirely with worldly things, passing from one thing to another in +most disorderly fashion; but now they occupy themselves (save for bodily +necessities) <i>solely </i>with Him. There is a perpetual smooth and beautiful +conversation between them <i>to </i>Him and <i>of </i>Him; and suddenly He will +seem to enter into this conversation, suggesting thoughts which are not mine.</p> +<p>Often He will stab the soul, but not with words, also the heart; +and I have known such communications lie for weeks before they could be taken up +by the mind, turned into words, and finally as <i>words </i>be digested by the +reason. And another way to the soul only—rare, untransferable to words, and +therefore not transmittable to others or to the reason. This way causes the +creature a great amazement, and is like a flooding or moving of whiteness, or an +inwardly-felt phosphorescence; it is a vitalising ministration greatly enjoyed +by the soul. This is not any ecstasy, and is exceedingly swift; the soul must be +at <i>high attention </i>to receive this, yet neither anticipates nor asks for +it, but is in the act of giving great and joyful adoration.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>I do not remember when I first became fully conscious that the +centre or seat of my emotions was changed, and that I now responded to all the experiences of life only with the higher parts of me.</p> +<p>This change I found inexplicable and remarkable, for it was +fundamental, and yet neither intended nor thought of by me. With this alteration +in the physical correspondences to life came a corresponding alteration in the +spiritual of me.</p> +<p>Formerly I supposed that the soul dwelt in, or was even a part +of, the mind. Now, though the mind must be filled wholly with God, and all other +things whatsoever put out of it if we would contemplate Him or respond to Him, +yet neither the brain nor the intelligence of the creature can come into any +contact with Him; and this I soon learnt.</p> +<p>Correspondence with the Divine is accomplished for the creature +through the heart and by the uppermost part of the breast, this latter place +(above the heart and below the mind) is the dwelling-place of the celestial +spark of the soul, which lies, as it were, between two fires—that of the heart and that of the mind, +responding directly to neither of these, but to God only.</p> +<p>Before I was touched upon the hill I was not aware of the +locality of any part of my soul, neither was there anything which could convince +me that I even possessed a soul. I did no more than believe and suppose that I +did possess one. But the soul, once revived, becomes the most powerful and vivid +part of our being; we are not able any longer to mistake its possession or +position in the body. She is indeed the wonderful and lovely mistress of us, +with which alone we can unlock the mysteries of God's love.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>How poor and cold a thing is mere belief! No longer do I <i> +believe </i>in Jesus Christ: I do <i>possess Him. </i>So complete is the change +that He brings about in us that I now only count my life and my time from the +first day of this new God-consciousness that I received upon the hill, for +that was the first day of my real life; just as formerly I would count my time +from the first day of my physical birth, and from that on to my falling in love +and to my marriage, which once seemed to me to be the most important dates.</p> +<p>Whilst these changes were taking place in me I would often be +filled with uneasiness and some alarm; asking myself what all this could mean, +and if it could be the way of martyrs or saints, for I had no courage or liking +to be one or the other and was very frightened of suffering. And I think my +cunning heart would have liked to take all the sweets and leave the bitter. How +well He knew this, and how exquisitely He handled me, never forcing, only +looking at me, <i>inviting </i>me with those marvellous perfections of His! How +could I possibly resist Him? All the while, all my waking hours, I felt that +strange, new, incomprehensible, steady, insistent <i>drawing </i>and +urgency of the Spirit in me. Little by little I went—and still go—<i>towards </i> +perfection, whilst my cowardly heart endured many fears, but these are now past. +It was not any desire for my own salvation; to this I have never given so much +as two thoughts. It was the <i>irresistible attraction </i>of our marvellous and +beautiful God. He lured, He drew me with His loveliness, His holy perfections, +His unutterable purity. <i>I longed to please Him. </i>The whole earth was +filled with the glamour of Him, and I filled with horror to see how utterly +unlike—apart from the glorious Beloved—I was. How frightful my blemishes, which +must stink in His nostrils! Think of it! To stink in the nostrils of the +Beloved! What lover could endure to do such a thing? No effort could be too +great or painful to beautify oneself for Him. In this there is no virtue; it is +the driving necessity of love, a necessity known by every lover worthy of the name on earth. To please and obey +this ineffable and exquisite Being!—the privilege intoxicated me more and more.</p> +<p>All these changes in my heart and mind continually filled me +with surprise, for I was never pious, though inwardly and secretly I had so +ardently sought Him. I was attentive, humble, and reverent, nothing more.</p> +<p>But though I had perhaps little or no piety, and never read a +single religious book, I had had a deep thirst for the perfect and the holy and +the pure, as I seemed unable to find them here on the earth. In the quiet +solemnity of church, or under the blue skies, I could detach myself from my +surroundings and reach up and out with wistful dimness towards the ineffable +holiness and purity of God—God who, for me at least, remained persistently so +unattainable.</p> +<p>And yet one blessed day I was to find Him suddenly, all in one glorious hour, no longer +unattainable but immanently, marvellously near, and willing to remain for me so +strangely permanently near that I must sing silently to Him from my heart all +the day long—sing to Him silently, because even the faintest whisper would feel +too gross and loud between my soul and Him. And in hours when I fall from this +wonderful estate I think I come very near hell, so awful is my loss.</p> +<p>Our greatest need is to relearn the will of God. For we are so +separated from Him that we now look upon His Will as on a cross, as an +incomprehensible sacrifice, as but self-abnegation, pain, and gloom. We +repudiate it in terror.</p> +<p>If we have the will to relearn His Will, we stand still and +think of it, we walk to seek it, we try to accept it, trembling we bow down to +it with obedience and many tears; and behold! it changes to an Invitation, a +sigh of beauty, a breath of spring, the song of birds, the faces of +flowers, the ever-ascending spiral of the mating of all loves, the sunshine of +the Universe; and at last, intoxicated with happiness, we say: "My God, my +Love, I sip and drink Thy Will as an ambrosial Wine!"</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>To the lover of God all affections go up and become enclosed, as +it were, into one affection, which is Himself; so that we have no love for +anyone or anything <i>apart </i>from Him. In this is included, in a most deep +and mysterious fashion, marriage-love in all its aspects. In every way it can +become a sacrament: there is nothing in it which is not holy, in no way does the +marriage bond of the body separate the spirit from acceptableness to God.</p> +<p>But I was some time before I could arrive at this, and could see +marriage as the physical prototype in this physical world of the spiritual union with Himself in the spiritual world. And this was arrived at, +not by prudish questionings and criticisms, but by remembering that this +relationship between men and women is His thought, His plan, not ours. We are +responsible for our part in it only in so far as to keep the bond of it pure and +clean and sweet, and submit ourselves in all things <i>as completely and orderly +as possible to His plans, whatever they may be. </i>In this attitude of +unquestioning, unresisting submission, the Holy Spirit finds a swift and easy +channel through us. It is our opposition to the passage of the Holy Will which +causes all the distress and uneasiness of life. He has no wish to impose +distress and suffering upon us. His Will towards us is pure joy, pure love, pure +peace, pure sweetness. This bond of earthly marriage is of the flesh and can be +kept by the body, and yet the heart, mind, and soul remain in lovely perfect +chastity; and I found that this exquisite freedom—after prolonged endeavours on the part of the +soul and the creature—was at length given them as a gift by act of grace, and +remained in permanence without variation.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We know that these things are deep mysteries and largely hidden; +but this I know: as the heart feels love in itself for God, in that same instant +comes God into the soul of the lover. Now, where God is we know that there is +neither evil, nor sadness, nor unhappiness, nor any recollection of such things; +therefore, to be a great and constant lover to Him is to be automatically lifted +from all unhappinesses.</p> +<p>This is our wisest and our best desire, to be a splendid lover +to our Most Glorious God.</p> +<p>The more I see of and talk with other people, the more I see how +greatly changed I am. I am <i>freed. </i>They are bound. I find them bound by fears, by anxieties, by worries, by apprehensions of evil +things, by sadness, by fears of death for their loved ones or for themselves. +Now, we are freed of all these things <i>if we keep to the Way, </i>which is the +Road of Love. This change we do not bring about for ourselves, and do not +perhaps even realise that it can be effected. For myself, I seemed to be lifted +into it, or into a <i>capacity </i>for it, on that day and in that moment in +which I first loved God. This is not to say that since that moment I have not +had to struggle, suffer, and endure, to keep myself in, and progress in this +condition; but my sufferings, struggles, and endurances, being for love and in +love and because of love, were and are in themselves beautiful, and leave in the +recollection nothing inharmonious. They are the difficult prelude to a glorious +melody.</p> +<p>Another thing—we become by this love for Him so large that we +seem to embrace within our own self the Universe! In some mysterious manner we become in sympathy +with all things in the bond of His making. </p> +<p>Are these things worth nothing +whatever, that the majority of people should be content to spend their lives +looking for five-pound notes and even shillings—and this not only the poor, but +the rich more so? I am far more at a loss to understand my fellow-men than I am +to understand God. We have need of the shillings, but of other and more lovely +things besides, which cost no money and may be had by the poorest. It is rapidly +becoming the only sorrow of my life that people do not all come to share this +Life in which I live. How that parable knocks at the heart, "Go out into the +highways and the hedges and compel them to come in!" To know all this <i> +fullness </i>of life and not to be able to bring even my nearest and dearest +into it: what a terrible mystery is this!—it is an agony. Now, in this agony I +share the Agony of Jesus. This is a part of the Cross, and only the Father can make it straight. I +see Heaven held out, and <i>refused; </i>love held out, and <i>refused; </i> +perfection shown, and killed upon a cross. What is the crucifix but that most +awful of all things—the Grief of God made Visible? Perfect Love submitting +itself to the vile freewill of man and dying of wounds! My God! my God! and did +<i>I</i> ever have a hand in such a thing? I did.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>What is it that seems more than any other thing whatever to +throw us at last into the arms of God? Suffering. And this not because it is His +will (for how much rather would He have us turn to Him in our joy and +prosperity), but rather that it is <i>our </i>will, that in our earthly joys and +prosperities we turn away from Him, and only seek His consolations when we see +the failure of our health or happiness. And having by His mercy and forgiveness +found Him, we too often and too easily think to glorify ourselves and name each +other saints! Did Jesus call us saints? These glorifications mankind would +appear to bestow upon itself. He spoke of His flock, and of those who through +Him should have life eternal, and of those who, because of the road they take, +have their joys in this world only.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>When I was being taught to pray for national things and for +other persons, and found these prayers answered, I was inclined to be afraid; +thinking, What am I that I should dare to petition the Most High? But He showed +it me so, which, as in everything, is for all of us: "It is but a cloud which +reflects the glories of the promise of My rainbow; so can the dust, such as +thyself, reflect yet other fashions of My will and glory. There is no +presumption in the cloud that it should glow with My power; neither is there +presumption in thy dust that it should be My vehicle. Both the cloud and thy dust are Mine."</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>As we progress in this new way of living we find an increasing +difficulty in maintaining petition; for on commencing to petition we will almost +invariably be instantly lifted up to such a state of adoration that the whole +soul is nothing but a burning song, a thing of living worship. At first I was +inclined to blame myself, but now I know that it is acceptable for us to pass +from petitioning (no matter who or what for) to high adoration, even though it +is a great personal indulgence (and the petitioning is a <i>hard task)—</i>an +indulgence so extreme that I cannot call to my mind anything in any experience +or time of my life, excepting actual raptures, which could, or can, in any way +compare or be named in the same breath with this most marvellous joy; for out of +this joy of adoration flows the Song of the Soul.</p> +<p>And all these previous years of my life I have lived with the +greater part of me dead, and most persons the same! The more I think of it, the +more amazed I am at our folly—working and fretting, and striving and looking for +every kind of thing except the one thing, beautiful, needful, and living, which +is the finding of the personal connection between ourselves and God and the +Waters of Life.</p> +<p>Looking to my own experiences, I see clearly how I never could +have found without the most powerful and incessant assistance. We are, then, +never alone. But first we must have <i>the will to seek these waters. </i>This +is the secret of the whole matter. He can turn the vilest into a pure lover—if +the vilest be willing to have the miracle performed on him! This is the grace of +God, and what does it cost Him to pour out this mighty power through us? For +everything has its price. My Lord! my Lord! we are not worthy of it all.</p> +<p>This I notice, that when He removes this grace, very shortly the +mind goes back to a false, uneven, inharmonious state; so we become like an +instrument all out of tune, and are caused indescribable sufferings, like a +musician whose ears and nerves are tortured by false notes, whilst his unmusical +neighbours feel no pain! The musician pays a price for the privilege of his +great gift; so the lover of Christ.</p> +<p>Again, there is a price to pay for the immeasurable <i>joy</i> of +prayer, for prayers are not always sweet nor life-giving. The prayers to Christ +are always a refreshment, but prayers to the Father may suddenly be turned +without any previous thought or private intention into a most awful grief for +the abominations of the whole world of us, a terrible wordless burnt-sacrifice +of the soul, of unspeakable anguish. And high petitioning is a fearful and +profound strain upon the soul and the whole creature.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We say that we have need of the purification and conversion of +the soul; but rather it is first the conversion of the heart, mind, and will +that we have need of. For this would feel to be the drama of our life—the human +heart, intelligence, and will are the ego of the creature. Our soul is the +visitor within this creature, containing within herself a pure, holy, and +incorruptible sparkle of the Divine, and lies choked and atrophied in her human +house until revived and awakened by her holy lover; and this awakening is not +given to her till the heart and mind of her human house (or the will and spirit +of the creature) is in a state of regeneration, or condition to go forward +towards God. Which is to say, the creature has been touched by repentance and a +desire for the pure and the holy. For if the soul should be awakened to an +unrepentant creature, this Will and imperishable worm of the creature (which is +of greater coarseness and lustiness than the delicate and fragile soul) will overcome the soul; and +this is not the goal, neither is the death of the creature the goal, but the +lifting up of the creature into the Divine—this is the goal.</p> +<p>After being awakened, then, in her human house, the soul finds +herself locked in with two most treacherous and soiled companions—the human +heart and mind; and so great is her loathing and her distress, that for shame's +sake these two are constrained to improve themselves. But their progress is +slow, and now comes a long and painful time of alternation between two states. +At one time the soul will conquer the creature, imposing upon it a sovereign +beauty of holiness; and at another the creature will conquer the soul, imposing +upon her its hideous designs and desires, and causing her many sicknesses. Hence +we have the warring which we feel within ourselves, for the soul now desires her +home and the creature its appetites.</p> +<p>Until this awakening of the soul takes place, we mistake in +thinking that we either live with our soul, or know our soul, or feel with our +soul. She does but stir within us from time to time, awaking strange echoes that +we do not comprehend; and we live with the mind and the heart and the body +only—which is to say, we live as the creature; and this is why on the complete +awakening of the soul we feel in the creature an immense and altogether +indescribable enhancement of life and of all our faculties, so that in great +amazement we say, "I have never <i>lived </i>until this day." When first the +will of the creature is wholly submitted to the lovely guidance of the divine +part of the soul, then first we know the ineffable joys of the world of free +spirit. For to live with the mind and the body is to be in a state of existence +in nature. But to live with the soul is to live above nature, in the +immeasurable freedom and intensity of the spirit. And this is the tremendous task of the soul—that she help to redeem the heart +and mind from their vileness of the creature and so lift the human upwards with +herself to the Divine from whence she came. This, then, is the transmutation or +evolution by divine means of the human into the divine; and for this we need to +seek repentance or change of heart and mind, which is the will of the creature +turning itself towards the beauties of the spirit, that Christ may awaken in us +the glories of that sleeping soul which is His bride.</p> +<p>When the soul is fully revived we can know it by this, that we +are not able any longer to content ourselves with anything nor anyone save God. +Neither are we able to love any save God, for all human desires and loves +mysteriously ascend and are merged into the Divine. So, though we love our +friend, we love him in God, and in every man perceive but another lover for the +Beloved.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>To love God might commence to be expressed as being a great +quiet, an intense activity, a prodigious joy, and the poignant knowledge of <i> +the immensity of an amazing new life shared</i>.</p> + +<p>The contemplation of God might be expressed as the folding up or +complete forgetfulness of all earthly and bodily things, desires, and +attractions, and the raising of the heart and mind and the centring of them in +great and joyful intensity upon God, by means of love. Of this contemplation of +God I find two principal forms: the passive and the active. In the first we are +in a state of steady, quiet, and loving perception and reception, and at some +farness; in this we are able to remain for hours, entering this state when +waking at dawn and remaining in it till rising.</p> +<p>In active contemplation we are in rapturous and passionate +adoration with great nearness, and are not able to remain in it long because of +bodily weakness. The soul feels to be never tired by the longest +flight, but must return because of the exhaustion of the forlorn and wretched +creature, which creature is complete in itself, having its body, of which, being +able to touch it, we say, "It is my body," and its heart and mind with +intelligence, of which we are wont to think, "This is myself"; yet it is but a +part, for the intelligence of our creature is by no means the intelligence of +the divine soul, but a far lesser light: for with the intelligence of the divine +soul we reach out to God and attain Him, but with the intelligence of the +creature we reach towards Him but do not attain, for with it we are unable to +penetrate the veil. Therefore, who would know the joys of contemplation must +come to them by love, for love is the only means by which the creature can +attain. The soul attains God as her birthright, but the creature by adoption and +redemption, and this through love. By love the creature dies and is reborn into the spirit.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The word "poverty," as used to express a necessary condition of +our coming to God, is a most misleading term. For how can any condition be +rightly named poverty which brings us into the riches of God? Rather let us use +the words "singleness of heart," or "simplicity": which is to say, we <i>put +out </i>all other interests save those pleasing to God (to commence with), and +afterwards we reach the condition in which we <i>have no </i>interests but in +God Himself—the heart and mind and will of the creature becoming wholly God's, +and God filling them. How can we say, then, that it is poverty to be filled with +God! Rather is it rightly expressed as being a heart fixed in singleness upon +God, through drastic simplification of interests: the which is no poverty, but +the wealth of all the Universe.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Some of us seem open to suggestion, others to the steadier +effects of personal influence. I never came under the personal influence of +another except once, when I came under the influence of the being I loved +most—my brother. At ten he saved my life from drowning, and at eighteen his +influence and total lack of faith in God, coupled with the searchings and +probings of my own intelligence, took me away from God, in whom I had previously +had a comfortable faith. At seventeen I began to lap up the hardest scientific +books as a cat laps milk. I said to myself, "I must find truth, I must find out +what everything really is"; but I could not reconcile science with Church +teaching. I was not able to adjust the truths of science—which were demonstrable +to both senses and intelligence—with the unprovable dogmas set forth by the +Church as necessary to salvation. I slowly and surely lost what faith I had, and +hung a withered heart upon the pitiless and nameless bosom of the +Cosmos. Inward life became for me a horrible emptiness without hope. Surrounded +with gaieties and the innumerable social successes of youth, I found that +neither science nor society could satisfy my soul, or that something living +within me which knew a terrible necessity for God. For two long and dreadful +years I fought secretly and desperately to regain this lost belief, and when at +last I succeeded there remained a monstrous and impenetrable wall between myself +and God. But by comparison with the horrors of past loneliness it was heaven to +me to feel Him there, even behind that wall. (Now that I have found Him by love, +I am able to return to science as to a most exquisite unrolling of the majesty +of His truths and powers and laws, and am brought nearer and nearer to Him the +more I learn of science.) Outside the wall I remained for more than twenty years, seeking and searching for an opening in that mighty +barrier.</p> +<p>And after more than twenty years I found the Door—and it was +Jesus Christ.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Lately I have seen the word "contemplation" used as expressing +the heights of attainment in God-consciousness of men, and I find it inadequate. +From the age of seventeen I fell into the habit of contemplation, not of God, +but of Nature: which is to say, I would first place myself, sitting, in such a +position that my body would not fall and I might completely forget it, and then +would look about me and drink in the beauty of the scene, my eyes coming finally +to rest upon the spot most beautiful to me. There they remained fixed. All +thoughts were now folded up so that my mind, flowing singly in one direction, +concentrated itself upon the beauty on which I gazed. This soon vanished, and I +saw nothing whatever, but, bearing away into a place of complete silence and +emptiness, I there assimilated and enjoyed inwardly the soaring essence of the +beauty which I had previously drawn into my mind through my eyes, being now no +longer conscious of seeing outwardly, but living entirely from the inward. This +I did almost every day, but to do it I was obliged to seek solitude, and +absolute solitude is a hard thing to find; but I sought it, no matter where, +even in a churchyard! I saw no graves. I saw the sky, or a marvellous cloud pink +with the kisses of the sun, and away I went. I judge this now to have been +contemplation, though I never thought of it by so fine-sounding a name; it was +only my delightful pastime, yet there was a strange inexpressible sadness in it. +Nature and beauty were not enough. The more beauty I saw, the more I longed for +something to which I could not put a name. At times the ache of this pain became terrible, almost agonising, but I could not +forgo my pastime. Now, at last, I know what this pain was: my soul looked for +God, but my creature did not know it. For just in this same way we contemplate +God, savouring Him without seeing Him, and being filled to the brim with +marvellous delights with no sadness.</p> +<p>But this condition of contemplation is very far from being the +mountain-top; it is but a high plateau from which we make the final ascent. The +summit is an indescribable contact, and this summit is not one summit but many +summits. Which is to say, we have contact of several separate forms—that of +giving, that of receiving, and that of immersion or absorption, which <i>at its +highest </i>is altogether unendurable as fire.</p> +<p>Of this last I am able only to say this: that not only is it +inexpressible by any words, but that that which is a state of extreme beatitude +to the soul is death to the creature by excess of joy. Therefore both heart +and mind fear to recall any details of the memory of this highest attainment. I +knew it but once. To know it again would be the death of my body. For more than +two hours (as well as I am able to judge) before coming to this highest +experience, my soul travelled through what felt to be an ocean, for she rose and +fell upon billows in a state of infinite bliss.</p> +<p>Of other forms of contact we have a swift, unexpected, even +unsought-for attainment, which is entirely of His volition; that sudden +condescension to the soul, in which in unspeakable rapture she is caught up to +her holy lover.</p> +<p>These are the topmost heights which the creature dare recall, though to the +soul they remain in memory as life itself. The variations of these forms of +contact are infinite, for God would seem to will to be both eternal changelessness and variation in infinitude.</p> +<p>Because of this, and the marvellous depths and heights and +breadths of life revealed to her, the soul is able to conceive of an eternity of +bliss, for monotony ceases to be joy. In Nature we see that no two trees in a +forest are alike, and two fruits gathered from one bough have not the same +flavour.</p> +<p>But to my feeling all degrees of attainment are only to be +distinguished as varying degrees of union, the joy of which is of a form and a +degree of intensity and purity which can enter neither the heart nor the mind to +imagine, but must be experienced to be understood, and when experienced remains +in part incomprehensible. It is not to be obtained by force of the will, neither +can it be obtained without the will. It is, then, a mystery of two wills in +unison, in which our will is temporarily fused into and consumed by the will of +God and is in transports of felicity over its own annihilation! This is outside +reason and therefore incomprehensible to the creature, but comprehensible to the +soul, and becomes the aim and object of our life to attain in permanence, and is +the uttermost limit of all conceivable rapture.</p> +<p>When I first knew union and contact upon the hill I had the +impression of a very great light outside of me. I never again had an outward +impression of it.</p> +<p>But when any sense of inward <i>light </i>is felt I consider it +to be a high ecstasy and hard for the body. It is the sweet and gentle touchings +of Christ which are the great and unspeakable comfort of both soul and body. +Inward heat I never felt till many months after my third conversion and more +than four years from my first conversion. This extraordinary sensation, which to +my mind is like a magnetic seething with heat and ravishment of joy, I felt +inwardly only after I had learnt to know a sudden, secret, joyous delight of +love in the soul, which is easiest described as sweetness of love, is from the Christ, and <i>very +frequently </i>given by Him. And some six months after the heat, fire, electric +seething, or however best it may be named, I first knew the song of the soul. +Now, although it is better not to dwell upon the memory of past spiritual joys, +lest we become greedy, and equally wise not to dwell upon the memory of +anguishes, lest we fall into self-pity, which of all emotions is the most sickly +and useless (and our wisest is to live only from hour to hour with all the +sweetness that we can, leaving to Him the choosing of our daily bread, whether +it be high joy or pain), still I confess that I have thought over and compared +these joys sufficiently to know very well which I love the best. Heat of love is +very wonderful, and sweetness is very lovely, and raptures and ecstasies are +outside words; but most beautiful of all is the song of the soul, and this is +when—in highest adoration—passing beyond heat, and further than sweetness, the soul goes up alone upon the highest +summit of love, and there like a bird pours out the rapturous and golden passion +of her love. And His Spirit, biding very near, never touches her; for if He +touch, it is at once an ecstasy, and because of the stress of this she would +have neither words nor song with which to rejoice Him.</p> +<p>Oh, the pure happiness of the soul in this wonderful song!</p> +<p>Truly I think it is greater than in the rapture or the ecstasy, +because in these the soul receives, but in the song, mounting right up to Him, +she gives. And now at last we know the fuller meaning of Christ's words where He +says: "It is more blessed to give than to receive."</p> +<p>Beloved, Thou takest the creature and liftest it up; Thou takest +the creature and liftest it high, so that nevermore can it offend Thee, and the +soul is free to sing of her love. Then is it Thy will that the creature should love Thee? Or is it Thy will that the soul should adore? +Beloved, I know not whether with my heart and mind I most adore Thee, or whether +with my soul I love Thee more. And where is that secret trysting-place of love? +I do not know; for whilst I go there and whilst I return I am blind, and whilst +I am there I am blinded by Love Himself.</p> +<p>O wondrous trysting-place I which is indeed the only +trysting-place of all the world worthy to be named.</p> +<p>For every other love on earth is but a poor, pale counterfeit of +love—a wan Ophelia, wandering with a garland of sad perished flowers to crown +the dust.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>As the loving creature progresses he will find himself ceasing +to live in things, or thoughts of things or of persons, but his whole mind and +heart will be concentrated upon the thought of God alone. Now Jesus, now the +High Christ, now the Father, but never away from one of the aspects or personalities of God, +though his conditions of nearness will vary. For at times he will be in a +condition of great nearness, at times in a condition of some farness, or, more +properly speaking, of obscurity. He will be in a condition of waiting (this +exceedingly frequent, the most frequent of all); a condition of amazing +happiness; a condition of pain, of desolation at being still upon the earth +instead of with God. He will be in a condition of giving love to God, or a +condition of receiving love, of remembrance and attention. He will be in a +condition of immeasurable glamour, an extraordinary illumination of every +faculty, not by any act of his own, but poured through him until he is filled +with the elixir of some new form of life, and feels himself before these +experiences never to have lived—he but existed as a part of Nature. But now, +although he is become more united to Nature than ever before, he also is mysteriously drawn apart from her, without being in any +way presumptuous, he feels to be above her, not by any merits but by intention +of Another. He is become lifted up into the spirit and essence of Nature, and +the heavy and more obvious parts of her bind him no more. He is in a condition +of freedom, he is frequently in a condition of great splendour, and is wrapped +perpetually round about with that most glorious mantle—God-consciousness.</p> +<p>These are man's right and proper conditions. These are the +lovely will of God for us. And too many of us have the will to go<i> </i> +contrary to Him. Oh, the tragedy of it! If the whole world of men and women +could be gathered and lifted into this garden of love! Persuaded to rise from +lesser loves into the bosom of His mighty Love!</p> +<p>For the truly loving soul here on earth there are no longer +heavens, nor conditions of heavens, nor grades, nor crowns, nor angels, nor archangels, nor saints, nor holy +spirits; but, going out and up and on, we reach at last THE ONE, and for +marvellous unspeakably glorious moments KNOW HIM.</p> +<p>This is life: to be in Him and He in us, <i>and know it.</i></p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>These beautiful flights of the soul cannot be taken through +idleness, though they are taken in what would outwardly appear to be a great +stillness. This stillness is but the necessary abstraction from physical +activity, even from physical consciousness; but inwardly the spirit is in a +great activity, a very ferment of secret work. This, to the writer, is +frequently produced by the beautiful in Nature, the spirit involuntarily passing +at sight of beauty into a passionate admiration for the Maker of it. This high, +pure emotion, which is also an <i>intense activity </i>of the spirit, would seem so to etherealise the creature that instantly the delicate +soul is able to escape her loosened bonds and flies towards her home, filled +with ineffable, incomparable delight, praising, singing, and joying in her Lord +and God until the body can endure no more, and swiftly she must return to +bondage in it. But the most wonderful flights of the soul are made during a high +adoring contemplation of God. We are in high contemplation when the heart, mind, +and soul, having dropped consciousness of all earthly matters, have been brought +to a full concentration upon God—God totally invisible, totally unimaged, <i>and +yet focussed to a centre-point by the great power of love. </i>The soul, whilst +she is able to maintain this most difficult height of contemplation, may be +visited by an intensely vivid perception, inward vision, and knowledge of God's +attributes or perfections, very brief; and this <i>as a gift, </i>for she is not +able to will such a felicity to herself, but being given such she is instantly consumed with adoration, and <i>enters ecstasy</i>.</p> + +<p>Having achieved these degrees of progress, the heart and mind +will say: "Now I may surely repose, for I have attained!" And so we may repose, +but not in idleness, which is to say, not without abundance of prayer. For only +by prayer is our condition maintained and renewed; but without prayer, by which +I mean an incessant inward communion, quickly our condition changes and wears +away. No matter to what degree of love we have attained, we need to pray for +more; without persistent but short prayer for faith and love we might fall back +into strange woeful periods of cold obscurity.</p> +<p>To the accomplished lover great and wonderful is prayer; the +more completely the mind and heart are lifted up in it, the slower the wording. +The greater the prayer, the shorter in words, though the longer the saying of +it, for each syllable will needs be held up upon the soul before God, slowly and, as it were, in a +casket of fire, and with marvellous joy. And there are prayers without words, +and others without even thoughts, in which the soul in a great stillness passes +up like an incense to the Most High. This is very pure, great love; wonderful, +high bliss.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>In the earlier stages of progress, when the heart and mind +suffer from frequent inconstancy, loss of warmth, even total losses of love, set +the heart and mind to recall to themselves by reading or thinking some favourite +aspect of their Lord Jesus Christ. It may be His gentleness, or His marvellous +forgiveness, as to Peter when "He turned and looked at him" after the denial; +for so He turns and looks upon ourselves. Or it may be His sweetness that most +draws us. But let us fasten the heart and mind upon whichever it may be, and in +the warmth of admiration <i>love will return to us.</i></p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The mode of entrance into active contemplation I would try to +convey in this way. The body must be placed either sitting or kneeling, and +supported, or flat on the back as though dead. Now the mind must commence to +fold itself, closing forwards as an open rose might close her petals to a bud +again, for every thought and image must be laid away and nothing left but a +great forward-moving love intention. Out glides the mind all smooth and swift, +and plunges deep, then takes an upward curve and up and on till willingly it +faints, the creature dies, and consciousness is taken over by the soul, which, +quickly coming to the trysting-place, <i>spreads herself </i>and there awaits +the revelations of her God. To my feeling this final complete passing over of +consciousness from the mind to the soul is by act and will of God only, and cannot be performed by will of the creature, and is the +fundamental difference between the contemplation of Nature and the contemplation +of God. The creature worships, but the soul alone knows contact. And yet the +mode of contemplation is a far simpler thing than all these words—it is the very +essence of simplicity itself; and in this sublime adventure we are really +conscious of no mode nor plan nor flight, nought but the mighty need of spirit +to Spirit and love to Love.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The picking out and choosing of certain persons, and the naming +of them "elect" and "chosen" souls, when I first read of it, filled me with such +a sinking that I tried, when coming upon the words, not to admit the meaning of +them into myself; for that some should be chosen and some not I felt to be +favouritism, and could not understand or see the justice of it. I never ask +questions. He left me in this condition for eighteen months. Then He led me to an +explanation sufficient for me. The way He showed it me was not by comparisons +with great things—angels and saints and holy persons; but by that humble +creature, man's friend, the dog, He showed me the elect creature. It was this +way.</p> +<p>One evening as I passed through the city I had one of those +sudden strong impulses (by which He guides us) to go to a certain and particular +cinematograph exhibition. I was very tired, and tried to put away the thought, +but it pressed in the way that I know, and I knew it better to go. I sat for an +hour seeing things that had no interest for me, and wondering why I should have +had to come, when at last a film was shown of war-dogs in training—dogs trained +especially to assist men and to carry their messages.</p> +<p>These dogs were especially selected, not for their charm of outward appearance, but for their inward capacities; <i>not for an especial +love of the dog </i>(or favouritism), but for that which they were willing to +learn how to do. The qualifications for (s)election were willingness, obedience, +fidelity, endurance. Once chosen they were set apart. Then commenced the +training, and we were shown how man put his will through the dog: he was able to +do this <i>only because of the willingness of the dog. </i>The purport of the +training was to carry a message for his master wherever his master willed. He +must go instantly and at full speed; he must leap any obstacle; he must turn +away from his own kind if they should entice him to linger on the way; he must +subdue all his natural desires and instincts entirely to his master's desires; +he must be indifferent to danger. And to secure this he was fired over by +numbers of men, difficulties were set for him, and he was distracted from his +straight course by a number of tests. Yet we saw the brave and faithful creatures running on their way at their +fullest speed until, exhausted and breathless but filled with joy of <i>love and +willingness, </i>they reached the journey's end, to be caressed and cared for +beyond other dogs until the next occasion should arise. Then we were shown the +dog in his fully-trained condition. His master could now always rely upon him. A +dog always ready, always faithful and self-forgetful, was then set apart into a +still smaller and more (s)elect group and surrounded with most especial care and +love. Never would it want for anything. In this there was justice. Forsaking all +their natural ways, these dogs had submitted themselves wholly, in loving +willingness, to their master's will, and he in return would lavish all his best +on them. It was but just. Oh, how my heart leaped over it! At last I +understood—for as the dog, so the human creature. We become chosen souls, not +for our own sakes (which had always seemed to me such favouritism), but for our willingness +to learn our Master's Will. And what is His will and what is His work? Of many, +many kinds, and this is shown to the soul in her training. But the hardest to +learn is not that of the worker, but of the messenger and lover. As the +messenger, to take His messages, in whatever direction, instantly and correctly, +and to take back the answer from man to Himself—which is to say, to hold before +Him the needs of man on the fire of the soul, known to most persons under the +name of prayer. And as the lover, to sing to Him with never-failing joyful +love and thanks.</p> +<p>But the learning and work of the soul is not so simple as that +of the dog, who carries the message in writing upon his collar. The soul can +have no written paper to assist her, and long and painful is her training; and +exquisitely sweet it is when, having swiftly and accurately taken the message, she waits before Him for the rapture of those +caresses that she knows so well.</p> +<p>How I was spurred! For I said, "Shall dogs outdo us in love and +devotion?" Only in a condition of total submission, self-forgetfulness, +self-abnegation, can the soul either receive or deliver her message. In this way +she is justified of the joys of her election. The dog, faithful in all ways to +his master, receives in return all praise and all meats, whatever he desires. +The faithful soul also receives all praise and all meats, both spiritual and +carnal, for nothing of earthly needs will lack her <i>if she asks</i>; and +without asking, her needs are mysteriously and completely given her. Her +spiritual meats are, in this world, peace, joy, ecstasy, rapture; and of the +world to come it is written that eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have +entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for them that +love Him.</p> +<p>It might be supposed that only persons filled with public +charities and social improvements, ardent and painstaking church workers, might +most surely and easily learn to be messengers. But all these persons pursue and +follow their own line of thought, the promptings of their own minds and hearts. +They are admirable workers, but not messengers. For the hound of God must have +in his heart no plan of his own. It is hard for the heart to say, "I have no +wishes of my own; I have no interests, no plans, no ambitions, no schemes, no +desires, no loves, no will. Thy will is my will. Thy desire is my desire. Thy +love is my all. I am empty of all things, that I may be a channel for the stream +of Thy will."</p> +<p>With what patience, what tenderness, what inexpressible +endearments He helps the soul, training her by love!—which is not to say that +she is trained without much suffering of the creature. So we are trained by two opposite ways—by suffering and by joys; and the whole under an +attitude of passionate and devoted attention on our part. The sufferings of the +soul baffle all description with their strange intensities.</p> +<p>Our encouragements are great and extraordinary sweetnesses, +urgings, and joyful uplifting of the spirit. So that when we would stop, we are +pressed forward; when we are exhausted, we are filled with the wine of +sweetness; when we are in tears, we are embraced into the Holy Spirit.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Sin and ill are the false notes struck by man across the harmony +of God's will, and to strike upon or even remember such notes is instant +banishment from the music of His presence. Where all is joy, there joy is all<i>; +</i>and he who has not reached this joy does not know God—he is still a +follower, and not a possessor, and he should refuse in his heart to remain +satisfied with his condition, but climb on. Why stay behind? Climb on, +climb on!</p> +<p>How often I have been mystified and disturbed by the attitude of +many religious and pious people, that to follow Christ is a way of gloom, of +sadness, of heaviness! How often have I gathered from sermons that we are to +give up all bright and enticing things if we would follow Him, and the preacher +<i>goes no further! </i>Has the Lord, then, no enticements, no sweetnesses, no +brightness to offer us, that we should be asked to forsake all pleasantnesses, +all brightness, all attractions if we follow Him? This to me always seemed +terrible, and my heart would sink. Indeed, to my poor mind and heart it seemed +nothing more hopeful than a going from bad to worse!</p> +<p>All the pictures I have seen, either of the Crucifixion or the +Way of the Cross (and especially those of more recent times and painting), +portray His Blessed Face all worn with gloom; and I know now that this is far from the truth. For perfect love +knows agony, but no gloom. He went through all His agony, lifted high above +gloom, in a great ecstasy of love for us.</p> +<p>To speak of <i>sacrifice </i>in connection with following Him +is, to my mind, the work of a very foolish person and one in danger of being +blasphemous. For how dare we say that it is a sacrifice when, by the putting +away of foolish desires, we find God! And to find God, through the following of +Jesus Christ, is to <i>gain so much </i>(even in this world, and without waiting +for the next) that those who gain it never cease to be amazed at the vastness of +it.</p> +<p>We find this to be an absolute truth, that if we have not Him we +have, and are, nothing, in comparison with that which we are and that which we +have when we have Him.</p> +<p>In my earlier stages I was greatly set back and disturbed by +this gloom and sacrifice (which is no sacrifice) of myself so put forward by pulpit teaching. It was a great +hindrance to me and blinded me to the truth. I was only a normal, ordinary +creature, and they thrust a great burden into my arms.</p> +<p>Little by little, as I was able to learn directly from His own +heart, I came to know Him as He is; and I could not reconcile this knowledge of +Himself which He gave me, especially of His high willingness and serenity, with +pulpit teachings of heavy gloom. The Church too frequently spoke to me of +following Him in terms which conveyed a burden: "Pick up thy cross, pick up thy +cross!" they cried; and He spoke to me in terms which conveyed a great joy: "Come to Me, come to Me, for I love thee!"</p> +<p>I thought I was very cowardly and sinned by this inability to +like the gloomy burden, and one day I came upon this out of Jeremiah: "As for +the prophet, or the priest, or the people, that shall say, The burden of the Lord, I will punish +that man and his house . . . because ye say, The burden of the Lord, I will +utterly forget you and forsake you, and cast you out of My presence."</p> +<p>These words of Jesus, "Take up thy cross and follow Me": +whoever will do it will be shown by Jesus that the cross of following Him is no +burden, but a deliverance, a finding of life, the way of escape, a great joy, +and a garland of love.</p> +<p>The world thinks of joyousness as being laughter, cackling, and +much silly noise; and to such I do not speak. But the Christ's joyousness is of +a high, still, marvellous, and ineffable completeness—beyond all words; and <i> +wholly satisfying </i>to heart and soul and body and mind.</p> +<p>It is written, "They shall love silver, and not be satisfied +with it"—for why? Only those are <i>satisfied </i>who know the gold of Christ.</p> +<p>All of which is not to say that by following Him we shall escape from happenings and inconveniences +and sorrows and illnesses common to life; but that when these come we are raised +out of our distress into His ineffable peace.</p> +<p>When the heart is sad, use this sadness in a comprehension of +the deeper pain of Jesus, who was in the self-same exile as we ourselves. The +more the soul is truly awakened and touched, the more she feels herself to be in +exile; and this is her cross.</p> +<p>But the remedy for her sadness is that she should courageously +pass out of her woes of exile and go up to meet her lover with smiles. Now, He +cannot resist this smiling courage and love of the soul, and very quickly He +must send her His sweetness, and her sadness is gone.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>When I say that if we will take a few steps alone towards +Christ—which is to say, if we will make some strenuous efforts to +cleanse ourselves and change our minds and ways—He will take us all the rest of +the way, I speak from experience. For amongst many things this happened to me: +at a certain stage, after my third conversion on the hill, He caused my former +thoughts, desires, and follies to go away from me! It was as though He had sent +a veil between me and such thoughts of my heart and mind as might not be +pleasing to Him, so that they disappeared from my knowledge and my actions!</p> +<p>By this marvellous act He removed my difficulties, and put me +into a state of innocence which resembled the innocence I remember to have had +up to the age of four or five years. But I find this new innocence far more +wonderful than that of childhood, which is but the innocence of ignorance. But +this new innocence—which is a gift of God—is innocence with knowledge. I am not +able to express the gratitude and amazement and wonder that have never +ceased to fill me about this. Such things can only be spoken of by the soul to +her lover, and then not in words but in a silence of tears.</p> +<p>What did I ever do that He should show me such kindness? I did +nothing except this: I desired with all the force of my heart and soul and mind +and body to love Him. I said, "Oh, if I could be the warmest, tenderest lover +that ever thou didst have! Teach me to be Thy burning lover." This was my +perpetual prayer. And my idea of Heaven was and is this, that without so much as +knowing, or being known or perceived by <i>any save Himself, </i>without even a +name, yet retaining my full consciousness of individuality, I should be with Him +for always.</p> +<p>What is this love for God, and how define it? For myself, I +never knew it until I was filled with it upon the hill. Many judge it to be <i>a +following +</i>of Christ and His wishes, but this is only a part of it and the +way we begin it, and often we begin from duty, fear of future punishment, desire +for salvation or spiritual pre-eminence, and obedience; and in none of these is +there the joy of love.</p> +<p>By such standards I might count myself to have loved Him for +twenty years; but know I did not. For ten years past I felt myself to have so +great a need of Him, I sought Him so, that for me Heaven contained no re-met +former earthly loves, much as I loved them here. I knew that He would be my all. +Nevertheless, He was not yet my Love, but my Need.</p> +<p>Love is a fire, for we feel the great heat of it.</p> +<p>Love is a light, for we perceive the white glare of it.</p> +<p>Of things known, to what can we compare it? Most perhaps to +electricity, for here we have both light and heat, and the lightning flash +strikes that which already contains the most of itself (or electricity). And the lightning of God's love +strikes him whose heart contains the most love for Himself. And He strikes when +He will, and afterwards visits when He will; and I do not count myself (for all +my earthly loves) to have so much as known the outer edge of the meaning of the +word love, till He struck me with His own upon that hill.</p> +<p>Truly, fair and holy love is our warranty, our only pass for +entering into Heaven.</p> +<p>Brave and wilful, rapturous and insistent, love passes with bold +yet humble ecstasy into the very presence of her Lord and God; and alone, out of +all creation, is never denied the Right of Way.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>I have seen it quoted, "Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, +turn within, turn without, everywhere thou shalt find the Cross." But I see it +so: "Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, turn within, turn without, +everywhere thou shalt find His Love." Love to help on the way. Too much we might +suppose, to hear pious people talk, that because of Christ's way we must be +miserable and our life an endless Cross! And so life may be a cross, but He +carries it for us.</p> +<p>Do sinful men never suffer? Do the sinful escape disease? and +live for ever without biting the dust in death or disappointment? Why, disease +and suffering are the very twin-children of sin. I am amazed that people can +take such a view of the Cross as to think it an unhappy, miserable way. For so +marvellous is the beauty of such love that there is no other so desirable a +thing upon earth.</p> +<p>"Come, walk the way with Me," says the Beloved; "I am all +serenity, all peace, all might, all power, all love. Come, walk with Me, and +forget thy tiny cares in the peace of My bosom."</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>We do not love God because we do not yet know Him. And we do not know Him because we seek only to +know and have our own desires: and having learnt to know these, we would have +our unknown God accommodate Himself to us and them.</p> +<p>But let us first seek to know God's desires by heart, and then +accommodate our own to His: so shall we learn to be pleasing to Christ, that He +may lead us, whilst here, into His Garden. For to the creature that ardently +pursues God there comes at last a time when He reveals Himself to the searching +soul, saying: "I Am Here. Come!" Then in secrecy we arise,—and go to Him out +of the House of Vanity into the music of the great Beyond.</p> +<p>There is small credit or virtue to the soul when, in a state of +high grace or nearness, she burns with love for her God: for she is under the +spell of the enticement of His Presence—how can she help but burn! It is as +though two earthly lovers, in full sight and nearness, are filled each for each with great love, and are +content.</p> +<p>But this is a credit to the soul and the creature (as to the +earthly lovers), that in separation and farness they should seek no other, but +continue to dwell with great intentness upon the absent love. This is fidelity.</p> +<p>At times it is as if her Lord said to the soul: "I have other +to do than to stay by thee; and also thou hast had more than enough to thy share +of My honey"; and, so saying, He departs.</p> +<p>And this is fidelity of the soul and the creature, and a great +virtue, that, without change of face, without complaint or petitioning, they +should with all sweetness continue to pour up to Him their unabated love. If any +can do this, he is a perfect lover and has no more to learn.</p> +<p>When the love of the soul, as it were, exceeds itself, it passes +up and beyond even the song of love; and being unable to express itself by words +or by song, or by deep sighings, or by any of those subtle, silent, spiritual means known only between +herself and God, when all means fail because of the too great stress of her +adoration, then the soul passes into a great pain, which is the anguish of love +and a hard thing to bear. This excess is to the fullness of the Godhead.</p> +<p>And now the soul must turn to prayer for help, but not to the +Godhead: for the more she turns to the Godhead the greater becomes her anguish. +But coming down to His humanity, she must beseech sweet Jesus for His aid, and +so regain her equilibrium.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Many of us are, perhaps unwittingly, impudent to God. In this +way we are impudent: We question (even though it be in secret, hidden in the +heart and not spoken) the justice of God, the ways of God, the plans of God, the +love of God: by which means we argue with God and judge Him. And another manner of impudence we have is this, that we dare to attribute +or to blame Him for the results of man's own filth, saying: "This and this is +the will of God, for we see that it exists, and His will is omnipotent." Oh, +beware of this impudence, drop it out of the heart and mind, and flee from it as +from the plague! "How then can these things be, if He is omnipotent?" we say. +Because of this, that in the trust of His great love He gave us the royal and +Godly gift of free-will, and our souls have proved themselves unworthy to have +it; and now the creature is brought before the Beautiful, and the Holy, and the +Pure, but turning away, like the sow, prefers the mire and the festering sores +proceeding from such wallowings. If there were no choice, there were no virtue, +and no progress home. But let no man venture in his heart to attribute to that +Holy and Marvellous Being whom we speak of as God, not knowing as yet His Name, +any will towards festers and corruptions, for what does He say Himself? "Their sins rise up before +Me and stink in My nostrils!"</p> +<p>We surely forget that this world is not yet God's Kingdom, and +that His will is not done here, and will not be until the Judgment Day. This +world is but a tiny testing-chamber in His mighty workshop; and great and +wonderful is the care He has for the workers in it.</p> +<p>O man! whence come thy wretchednesses? Look round and think. Do +they not all proceed from self and fellow-men, alive or dead? Then why blame +God?</p> +<p>"Why am I here?" we cry, "to suffer all these pains, and my +consent not asked? A poor, sad puppet dancing to a tune I know not the rhythm +of. Where is my recompense? And where my wages? I will take all I can of what is +offered here, and give no thanks! It is but my scant due for all my +wretchednesses!"</p> +<p>O foolish man! so timid of all future possibilities of bliss that he must grasp and burn himself with +such delights as he finds here! And equally mistaken and small-minded man who +thinks that all our Mighty God will have to offer us hereafter are crowns, damp +clouds and mists, and endless hymns! Such little hearts are far away indeed from +knowing the <i>magnitudes of Life</i>.</p> + +<p>O wretched man! why this distrust? Hast thou created even thine +own palate and digestion? Hast thou invented any of those fond delights that so +enslave thee now? Hast thou thyself devised the means wherewith to satisfy the +longing of thy <i>creature </i>for the sweets of life? They were provided thee; +all that thou hast created is misuse! Thou art but a perverted thing!—a crooked +tool of self, a fly drowning in the honey that it sought too greedily to own!</p> +<p>O wretched, wretched man! so cloyed with sweets of earth thou +canst not raise thy head to see the sunrise out beyond the world, and know true sweets! How many are the tears +wept over thee by the great heart of God!</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Since coming into this new way of living, the more I come into +contact with music the more I sense a mysterious connection between melody—the +soul—and her <i>origin. </i>Alone out of all the sciences and arts, music has no +foundation upon anything on earth. There is no music in nature until the soul, +come to a perfect harmony within herself, brings out the hidden harmony in all +creation, and, turning it to melody within herself, returns it to her Lord in +song, whether by outward instrument or inward love.</p> +<p>The soul, indeed, would seem to have come out of a life of +infinite melody and to have dropped into an existence of mere contrary and +vexing time-beat.</p> +<p>Who can by any means account for the variety of passions excited +within him by the mere difference of the spacing, time, or rhythm of +music? In my new condition of living I notice that the soul throws out with most +disdainful impatience music that was formerly beautiful to my mind and heart (or +my creature); and certain types of flowing cadences (very rarely to be found), +sustained in high, flowing, delicate, and soaring continuity will produce in her +conditions akin to a madness of joy. For one brief instant <i>she remembers! +but cannot utter what</i>!</p> + +<p>Of visions I know nothing, but received all my experiences into +my soul as amazingly real inward perceptions. That these perceptions are of +unprecedented intensity, and more realistic than those which are merely visual, +can be understood by bodily comparisons; for to <i>feel </i>or to be one with +fire is more than to <i>see </i>it.</p> +<p>To try to compare spiritual life with physical experiences would +seem to be useless; for, to my feeling, while we live in the spirit we live at a +great speed,—indeed, an incalculably great speed—and as a whole and +not in parts. For with physical living we live at one moment by the eyes, at +another with the mind, at another through the heart, at another with the body. +But the spirit feels to have no parts, for all parts are of so perfect a +concordance that in this marvellous harmony all is one and one is all. And this +with <i>incredible intensity, </i>so that we live not as now—dully—but at white +heat of sensibility.</p> + +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Prayer</i></p> + +<p>Prayer is the golden wedding-ring between ourselves and God. For +myself, I divide it into two halves—the one petitioning, the other offering.</p> +<p>Of petitioning I would say that this is the <i>work </i>of the +soul; and of offering, that it is the pleasure of the soul.</p> +<p>Of petitioning, that I come to it under His command; and of +offering, that I come to it of my own high, passionate desire.</p> +<p>I make upon my knees, three times a day, three short and formal +prayers of humble worship, as befits the creature worshipping its Ineffable and +Mighty God: and for the rest of my time I sing to Him from my heart and soul, as +befits the joyful lover, adoring and conversing with the Ineffable and Exquisite +Beloved.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>This is the circle of His way with us. First is prayer; then +love; and after love, humility. With humility comes grace; and after grace, +temptation; and in temptation we must quickly enter prayer again.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>O wonderful and ineffable God! who, while remaining hidden from +His lovers in this life, yet so ravishes their hearts and minds and souls that +they are unable to find truly sweet even the greatest of life's former joys—for +nothing can now ever satisfy them but the secret and marvellous administrations of His love and grace! On one day feeling to be +forsaken, the most desolate and lonely of all creatures in the Universe; and on +another exalted to almost unbearable pinnacles of bliss, equal to the angels in +felicity, and blest beyond all power of words to say—such and so are the lovers +of God.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>The soul has six wings: love, obedience, humility, simplicity, +perseverance, and courage. With these she can attain God.</p> +<p>We know very well that no man will find God either enclosed, +held fast, or demonstrated within a circle of dogmatic words; but every man can +find, in his own soul, an exquisite and incomparable instrument of communication +with God. To establish the working of this communication is the whole object and +meaning of life in this world—this world of material, finite, and physical +things, in which the human body is at once a means and a debt.</p> +<p>The key to progress is a continual dressing of the will and mind +and heart towards God, best brought about by continually filling the heart and +mind with beautiful, grateful, and loving thoughts of Him. At all stages of +progress the thoughts persistently fly away to other things in the near and +visible world, and we have need quietly and perpetually to pick them up and +re-centre them on Him. With the mind turned in this way, steadily towards God, +we are in that state known to science as polarisation: we are in that condition +in which common iron becomes a magnet. It is so that God transforms us into a +diminutive part-likeness of Himself.</p> +<p>When at last the soul reaches union with Him, she is for a while +so caressed, so held in a perpetual contact and nearness, that we may think +ourselves already permanently entered into Paradise! But this is not the plan; and, our education being exceedingly incomplete, +we return to our schooling.</p> +<p>We commence to experience profound and even terrible longings to +leave the world and all creatures, for we cannot bear either the sight or the +sound of them, and seek all day long to be alone with the Beloved God. To +conquer this last selfishness and weakness of the soul, we must go again—as in +the beginning—to Jesus. He teaches us to go to and fro <i>willingly, </i>gladly, +from the highest to the lowest. To pick up our daily life and duties, our +obligations to a physical world, in all humility, sweet reasonableness, and +submission. He teaches us to willingly accept incessant interruptions, and with +smiling face and perfect inward smoothness to descend from a high contemplation +of God (and only those who know high contemplation can judge of the immensity of +what I say) to listen and <i>attend to </i>some most trivial want of a fellow-creature! Reader, it is the hardest thing of all. No +sooner have we learnt the hard and difficult way of ascent than we must +willingly come down it, even remain altogether in the valley below, and that +with a smiling face and, if possible, no thought of impatience! This is the true +sacrifice of the soul. Now, the sacrifices of the creature are the giving up of +the near and visible joys and prides of the world to follow Christ, and are not +real but seeming sacrifices, for, if done heartily and with courage, an exchange +between these joys and the joys of the invisible is rapidly effected, and there +remains no sacrifice, but "the hidden treasure" is ours! But the sacrifice of +the soul is real and long; for having at last re-found God, she must resign her +full joy of Him till the death of the body—and this willingly, thankfully, +without complaint, not asking favours but pouring up her gratitude. In joy or in +pain, in happiness or in tribulation—gratitude! gratitude!—and this not by her own strength but by +strength of the Holy Ghost.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Because of this new way of living, the mind acquires a great +increase of capacity and strength and clearness: being able to deal quickly and +correctly with all matters brought before it with an ease previously altogether +unknown to its owner. It is no exaggeration to say that the sagacity, scope, and +grasp of the mind feels to be more than doubled from that which it previously +was, and this not because of any study, but by an involuntary alteration. So +that, though the mind and attention are now given almost exclusively to the +things of God, yet when the things of the world have to be dealt with, this is +accomplished with extraordinary efficiency and quickness, though very +distasteful to the mind.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>As the soul returns to her source nothing is more strongly +emphasised to her than the strength and intensity of individuality; she is shown +that the essence of all joy is Individuality in Union.</p> +<p>In the marvellous condition of Contact, though we cease to be +the creature or the soul adoring the Creator (but by an incomprehensible +condescension we are accepted as one with Himself in love), yet we retain our +own consciousness, which is our individuality.</p> +<p>In the highest rapture I ever was in, my soul passed into a +fearful extremity of experience: she was burned with so terrible an excess of +bliss, that she was in great fear and anguish because of this excess. Indeed, +she was so overcome by this too great realisation of the strength of God that +she was in terror of both God and joy. It was three days before she recovered +any peace, and more than a year before I dared recall one instant of it to mind.</p> +<p>I am not able to think that even in Heaven the soul could endure +such heights for more than a period. These heights are incomparably, unutterably +beyond vision and union. They are the uttermost extremity of that which can be +endured by the soul, at least until she has re-risen to great altitudes of +holiness in ages to come.</p> +<p>By contact with God we acquire certain wonderful and terrible +realisations of truth and knowledge. For one thing, we learn the nature and mode +of spirit-life, as over against body- or sense-life. We learn, at first with +great fear, something of the awful intensities of pain, as of joy, which can be +endured by the spirit when free of the body: for when we are in the spirit we do +not <i>see </i>fire, but we feel to <i>become it </i>and yet live! And so +equally of pain or joy—we do not feel these things delicately, as with, and in, +the body, but we pass into the essence of these things themselves, in all their terrible and marvellous intensity, which is +comparatively without limit.</p> +<p>Woe to those who must gather the garland of pain—which is +remorse-after death! It is easier to suffer a whole lifetime in the body than +one day in the spirit. O soul! come to thy contrition here in this world, where +pain has short limit! Repent and return!</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Of the marvellous favours shown to the soul the heart cries out: +"O mighty God! of the magnitude of Thy condescensions I am afraid even to +think; they are too great for me, and I dare to recall them, but only with all +the simplicity of a little child!"</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>Those who feel desire and need within themselves to reach the +heights of inward life will do it best, not through diversity of interests in +fellow-creatures, but by unification of all interests in God.</p> +<p>God once found, and possessed, we return to the interests of +creatures in moderation and with judgment.</p> +<center>* * *</center> +<p>What is pain? It is a mystery of separation, and we are +gangrenous with sin and pain because of separation from the source of life.</p> +<p>Truth now comes to us in such small segments that we no longer +see the pattern of it; but this we are able to perceive: that the mystery of +Separation is equal in degree with the mystery of Union, and that the child of +separation is Pain.</p> +<p>How did the soul ever become so separated from God? To my +feeling, in curiosity of loves we may find the answer, and know the "fall" to +be not that of the animal man but of the soul, which, once living in perpetual +beatitude—knowing nothing of pain because of the unity with God, not +understanding or being even grateful for her bliss because of its invariable presence, and given free-will,—in curiosity went out in search +of newer and yet newer loves. And this is the retribution of the soul for her +unfaithful wanderings—that as separation grows greater she commences to know +pain, and, becoming anxious therefrom to return to the source of her remembered +joys, she finds herself unable to accomplish this because of the weight and +grossness of the nature of the loves to which she has hired herself, and from +which <i>she is totally unable to free herself, </i>and yet which she must by +some means overcome that she may rise again to sanctity and return to God.</p> +<p>Now comes the marvellous, the pitiful, the universal Christ to +her aid—the Mighty Lover; and we may see in the whole scheme of Creation, as we +know it here, from jelly-fish to man, a plan by which the soul may bring her +wanderings to a term in time conditions instead of timeless sons. When all this +earth is evolved for her great need, at last by the mercy of God she is interned +in the body of finite man, and must clothe herself in the heart and mind of the +human and take upon herself the nature of this creature man, made and fashioned +to be a suitable instrument and habitation for her. To counterbalance the +grossness and ineptitude of the creature's material body with its appetites, man +is imbued with the knowledge of right, and with a secret longing for a <i> +happiness which is not that of the beast</i>.</p> + +<p>The soul must raise the brute in him, with all its appetites, to +purity,—a mighty task, accomplished with much pain, yet in infinitely shorter +duration of pain than if left in disembodied spirit-life; and, indeed, we may +come to look upon pain in this world as one of our best privileges because of +its powers of purification within a time-limit, and to know that by the mercy of +the God of Love we may take our hell of cleansing in this world rather than in those worlds of disembodied spirits where +progress is of infinite slowness—revolving and revolving upon itself, as a +sand-spiral in a blast-furnace, without hope of death.</p> +<p>Oh, how convey any warning of this terrible knowledge, which is +not communicable by words! He said, "Though one return from the dead, ye would +not believe." But, O soul! repent and return while still in the body! Lay hold +on the Christ!</p> +<p>In the life of this world, then, does our God of love and mercy +give us rapid means (by conquest of the animal grossness and corruptible body, +raising man to the ideal man, according to God's intention) to reunite ourselves +with Him. And the soul of all animal creation is also thereby gradually raised +with us into a universal adoration of the One Almighty God.</p> +<p>This is no fallen but a rising world, in which all Creation is +slowly and gloriously rising step by step.</p> +<p>So may our soul repay her debt to God for her past infidelities.</p> +<p>"Thy Maker is thine husband," says the voice of the prophet.</p> +<p>And the creature, with its suffering heart and mind and body, +has also its incomparable reward of bliss: for because of its love and obedience +it is raised into the spiritual body, AND TOGETHER WITH THE SOUL BECOMES THE +CHILD OF THE RESURRECTION.</p> +<p>———</p> +<p>[Transcriber's Notes: The name of the author, Lilian Staveley, is not +mentioned on the title page of this text, but I have added it here. I have +made one spelling change: "enough to blow-to" to "enough to blow to".]</p> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Golden Fountain, by Lilian Staveley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN *** + +***** This file should be named 29449-h.htm or 29449-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/4/29449/ + +Produced by Ruth Hart + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Golden Fountain + or, The Soul's Love for God. Being some Thoughts and + Confessions of One of His Lovers + +Author: Lilian Staveley + +Release Date: July 18, 2009 [EBook #29449] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN *** + + + + +Produced by Ruth Hart + + + + +THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN +or, +The Soul's Love for God +Being some Thoughts and Confessions of One of His Lovers + +By + +Lilian Staveley + + +London +John M. Watkins +21 Cecil Court, Charing Cross Road, W.C.2 +1919 + + + + +How many of us inwardly feel a secret longing to find God; and this +usually accompanied by the perception that we are confronted by an +impenetrable barrier--we cannot find Him--we can neither go +through this barrier nor climb over it! We have faith. We are able to +admit that He exists, for we cannot help but perceive a Will +dominating the laws of the Universe; but something deep within us +that we cannot put a name to, something subtle, secret, and strange, +cries aloud, "But I need more than this, it is not enough; I need to +personally find and know Him. Why does He not permit me to do +so?" + +We might easily answer ourselves by remembering that if, in +everyday life, we greatly desire to see a friend, our best way of +doing so is by going in the direction in which he is to be found: we +should consider this as obvious. Then let us apply this, which we say +is so obvious, to God. We waste too much time looking for Him in +impossible directions and by impossible means. He is not to be +found by merely studying lengthy arguments, brilliant explanations +of theological statements, or controversies upon the meanings of +obscure dogmas. He is not even to be found through organising +charity concerts and social reforms however useful. We shall find +Him through a self stripped bare of all other interests and +pretensions--stripped bare of everything but a humble and +passionately seeking _heart._ + +He says to the soul, "Long for Me, and I will show Myself. Desire +Me with a great desire, and I will be found." + +* * * + +Scattered all through history are innumerable persons, both great +and insignificant, who looked for the Pearl of Great Price: and not +too many would seem to have found it. Some sought by study, by +intelligence; some by strict and pious attention to outward +ceremonial service; some by a "religious" life; some even by +penance and fasting. Those who found sought with the heart. Those +who sought with careful piety, or with intelligence, found perhaps +faith and submission, but no joy. The Pearl is that which cannot be +described in words. It is the _touch of God Himself upon the soul,_ +the Joy of Love. + +* * * + +The entrance to the land of happiness and peace is through union of +the will to Christ, by love. How can this sense of love be reached? +By centring the wheel of the mind, with its daily spinning thoughts, +upon the Man Jesus, and learning to inwardly see and hold on to the +perfect simplicity and love of Jesus Christ. We can form the habit of +taking Jesus as our heart and mind companion. We are all aware of +the unceasing necessity of the mind to fill itself: we cannot have +_no_ thoughts until we have advanced in the spiritual life to a long +distance. We may well see, in this, one of the provisions made by +God for His own habitation in the mind of man--a habitation too +often hideously usurped by every kind of unworthy substitute. Petty +social interests and occupations, personal animosities, ambitions, +worries, a revolving endless chaos of futilities, known and praised +by too many of us as "a busy life"!--the mind being given +opportunity only at long intervals, and usually at stated and set times, +to dwell upon the thought of God, and the marvellous future of the +human spirit. We are like travellers who, about to start out upon a +great journey, pack their portmanteaus with everything that will be +_perfectly useless to them!_ + +Now, it is possible to put out and obliterate this chaotic and useless +state of mind, which would appear to be the "natural mind," and to +open ourselves to receive the might and force and the joys and +delights of Christ's Mind. These joys are the Heart of Christ +speaking to the heart of His lover. They are incomparable: beyond +all imagination until we know them; and we receive them and +perceive them and enjoy them as we have largeness and capacity to +contain them. For there is no end. He has ever more to give if we +will be but large enough to receive. + +We are too absorbed in the puerile interests and occupations of daily +life. We make of these endless occupations a virtue. They are no +virtue, but a deadly hindrance, for they keep us too busy to look for +the one thing needful--the Kingdom of God. What is this world? It is +a schoolhouse for lovers, and we are lovers in the making. + +Is baptism of itself sufficient to get us into this Kingdom? No. Is the +leading of an orderly social life sufficient to find it? No. Is the hope, +even the earnest expectation, that we shall, by some means or other +(we do not know by what!), be brought to it, sufficient to find it? No; +not without the _personal laying hold_ can we ever achieve it. Shall +we find it in much outward study? No; and our aim is, not to be the +student but the possessor; and the key to this possession is not in +books, but, for us, in Jesus. He it is who must be invited and +admitted into the heart with great tenderness--with all those virtues +for which He stands--and made the centre point of thought. Out of +constant thought grows tenderness; out of tenderness, affection; out +of affection, love. Love once firmly fixed in the heart for Jesus, we +get a perception (by contrast) of our own faults--very painful, and +known as repentance. This should be succeeded at once by change +of mind, _i.e._ we try to push out the old way of thinking and acting +and take on a new way. We try, in fact, strenuously to please the +Beloved, to be in harmony with Him; and now we have established a +personal relationship between ourselves and Christ. + +With the perception of our own failings comes the necessary +humility and the drastic elimination of all prides. We remember, too, +that although Jesus is so near to us, and our own Beloved, He is also +the mighty Son of God. + +He is also the mystical Christ, who, when we are ready, leads us to +the Father: which is to say, that we are suddenly stricken with the +consciousness of and the love for God; and here we enter that most +wonderful of all earthly experiences--the Soul's great Garden of +Happiness. + +To be a student of theories, dogmas, laws, and writings of men is to +be involved in endless controversy; and we may study books till we +are sick, and embrace nothing but vapour for all our pains. To be a +pupil and possessor we must first establish the personal relationship +between ourselves and Jesus. To do this we must realise more fully +than we now do that He _still lives._ The mind is inclined to dwell +on Him mostly as _having lived._ When we have taught ourselves to +realise that Jesus is as intensely alive to everything that we do as He +was when He visibly walked with men--that Jesus is as easily aware +of our inmost thoughts and endeavours now as He was of the secret +thoughts of His disciples,--then we shall have brought Him much +closer into our own life. + +As the possessor of life is not the student of schools, but is the pupil +of Christ, let us prepare ourselves to be pupils; and this again we do +solely by the help of the Man-Jesus, who is in Christ, and Christ in +Jesus. For the Christ-God is at first too strong a meat for us: we +cannot with fullness understand that He is God, but He Himself will +teach us this when we are ready to know it. To know this truth in its +fullness is already to possess eternal life. + +As no man is able to give us eternal life, so no man is able to give us +the knowledge that Christ is God, as He willed to reveal Himself to +man. If we have doubts which hurt, let us drop them out, changing +the thought quickly to the sweetness, simplicity, and gentleness of +the Man-Jesus. If we have questionings, let us cease to question, and +say with the man of old, "Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief." + +We do well to avoid these questionings, pryings, and curiosities, for +when we indulge in such things we are like that common servant +who does not disdain to peep through the keyhole of his master's +chamber! Let us put such spiritual vulgarities upon one side, and, +opening our heart to lovely Love, take Him as our only guide. Love +draws us very rapidly to His own abiding-place, for we are made of +love, and because of love, and for love, and to Love we must return, +for He awaits us with longing. + +* * * + +We often think, Where am I at fault? I am unable to _see_ myself as +a sinner, though publicly I confess myself to be one. For I keep the +commandments; I am friendly to my neighbours; I am just to my +fellow-men; I can think of no particular harm that I do. Why, then, +am I a sinner? And our very modesty and reverence may forbid us to +compare ourselves with God. Yet here lies our mistake; for if we +would enter the Garden of Happiness and Peace, which is the +Kingdom of God, this is the commencement of our advance--that we +should compare ourselves in all things with God, in whose likeness +we are made, and, making such full observation as we are able of the +terrible gulfs between ourselves and Him, should with tears and +humility and constant endeavour be at great pains and stress to make +good to Him our deficiencies. + + "Be ye perfect as I am perfect." + "Be ye holy as I am holy." + +If this were not attainable, He would not have set so high a goal. In +this, then, we are sinners--that we are not pure and lovely as God +Himself! This is a prodigious, an almost unthinkable height; yet He +wills us to attempt it, and all the powers of Heaven are with us as we +climb. + +* * * + +Fear curiosity. Fear it more than sin. Curiosity is the root, and sin +the flower. This is one of the reasons why we should never seek God +merely with the intelligence: to do so is to seek Him, in part at least, +with curiosity. God will not be peeped upon by a curious humanity. +The indulgence in curiosity would of itself explain the whole +downfall, so called, of man. + +The Soul is the Prodigal. Curiosity _to know_ led her away from the +high heavens. Love is her only way of return. + +Curiosity is the mother of all infidelity, whether of the spirit or of +the body. + +* * * + +Though on reading the Gospels carefully we may be unable to come +to any other conclusion than that Jesus Christ neither prayed for nor +died for all mankind, but only for the elect, yet we see equally +clearly that all mankind is _invited to be the elect._ We are, then, +not individually sure of heaven because Jesus died upon a cross for +men; but sure of heaven for ourselves, only if we individually will to +live and think and act in such a manner that _we become of the +elect._ + +"Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out," says the Voice +of the Beloved. + +* * * + +In our early stages, how we shrink from the mere word, or idea, of +perfection; and later, what we would give to be able to achieve it! +Yet though we shrink so from the thought of it, we know +instinctively that we must try to approach it; if we would stay near +Him, we must be wholly pleasing to Him. We think of saints--we +know nothing of saints, but think of them as most unusual persons +midway between men and angels, and know ourselves not fashioned +for any such position: and how change ourselves, how alter our +character, as grown men and women? + +It is Christ who can show us the way. + +The Water of Life is the Mind of Christ, and the true object of life is +to learn how to receive this Mind of Christ: for by it and with it we +enter the Kingdom of God. And how shall we receive the Mind of +Christ? Here is our difficulty. Firstly, we may do it through +sympathy with, and a drawing near to, the Man-Jesus, accompanied +by such drastic changes of mind as we are able to accomplish _to +show our goodwill._ We may learn to become more unselfish, more +patient, more sympathetic to others, and to curb the tongue, so that +words which are untrue or unkind shall not slip off it. We can learn +to govern the animal that is in us, instead of being governed by it. +No one could have a better guide in how to improve the condition of +his mind than Aaron Crane's book, _Right and Wrong Thinking._ + +And next, having become well knitted to the Man-Jesus, the Christ +will draw us forward step by step through all the next inward stages, +we giving to Him our attention; and He will bring us finally to that +marvellous condition of God-consciousness by which He is able to +perpetually refresh and renew us. There is one great first rule to hold +to, which is _to think lovingly of Jesus_: in this way we eventually +and automatically _come into a state of love._ In which state He will +teach us to put out our own little light, that we may learn to live by +the lovely light of God. And we have entered the Kingdom! + +For myself, I experienced three conversions: the first two of terrible +suffering, and the third of great and marvellous joy, in which it is no +exaggeration to say that for a few moments I seemed to receive God +and all the freedom of the Heavens into my soul. I am not able to +say exactly how long this experience lasted, for I was dead to time +and place, but I should judge it to have been from fifteen to twenty +minutes. + +The first conversion came upon me one afternoon in my room, as I +came in from walking. I had been thinking of Jesus while I walked, +as I was often in the habit of doing. Without any intention or +premeditation on my part, I was now suddenly overwhelmed by a +most horrible, unbearable, inexplicable pain of remorse for my +vileness: for I seemed suddenly to be aware of Him standing there in +His marvellous purity and looking at me--not with any reproach, but +with the sweetness of a wonderful Invitation upon His face. And +immediately I saw myself utterly unworthy to come near Him: and I +writhed in the agony of this fearful perception of my unworthiness +till I could bear no more. I was sick and ill with remorse and regret, I +was utterly broken up by it. I did not know then that this awful pain +is what is known as repentance, and wondered secretly what could +have come to me. After this I found myself far more constantly +thinking of Jesus--exchanging, as it were, sweet confidences with +Him, telling Him what I thought, and endeavouring in every +possible way to follow His manner of thought. I am ashamed to say +I was very remiss and lazy in prayers; upon my knees I prayed very +little indeed. But I was very faithful and warm and tender to Him in +my heart, and this had an effect upon my mind and actions, and +continued for two years. + +I would be assailed by many questionings during this time. For +instance, how could my sweet Jesus, whom I was always so near to, +be the mighty Christ and God? But I dropped these out as they came, +feeling myself altogether too small to understand these things, and +very much frightened by such greatnesses. + +When I was alone with Jesus, all was so simple and so lovely; so I +put away all other thoughts and held closely to Jesus. + +This having continued almost exactly the two years, upon Easter +morning, at the close of the service, the horrible anguish came on +me again as I knelt in the church. I was not able to move or to show +my face for more than an hour; and to this day I am not able to dwell +upon the memory of that awful pain, for I think I should go mad if I +had to enter again into so great a torture of the spirit. I endured to +the utmost limit of my capacity for suffering--for this I will say of +myself, I did not draw back, but went on to the bitter end. And the +suffering was caused by the sight of that most terrible of all sights: +the vision of myself as over against the vision of Jesus Christ, and I +died a death for every fault. Whoever has felt the true wailing of the +soul, such an one knows the heights of all spiritual pain. The heart +and mind, or creature, suffers in depths; but the soul in heights, and +this at one and the same time, so that the pain of repentance is +everywhere. And the depth of the suffering of the creature is coequal +with the height of the suffering of the soul, and the joint suffering of +both would seem to be of coequal promise and merit for their after +joy and glory; so that it would seem that the more horrible our pain, +the quicker is our deliverance and the greater our later joys. + +After this, Jesus, without my knowing how it came about, passed out +from the Perfect Man into the Christ of God. I walked and talked +with Him no longer just as sweet Jesus, but as the Marvellous and +Mighty Risen Lord! And now I became far more changed. The +world and all earthly loves began to fade; they no longer satisfied or +filled me in the least. How could I contemplate His exquisite +perfections, the ineffable beauties of His mind and heart, and, +turning from these to the sight of the world and of the men and +women that I knew, not feel the difference? Where among my +friends could I find perfect love? Amongst husbands and wives? No. +Amongst mothers and children? No. For everywhere I saw discord, +secret selfishness, separate and divided desires, and many deceits. I +found no love anywhere like His for us. I was always an epicure in +the matter of love, and knew the best when I found it. I continued +with my social and home life exactly as before: the change was an +inward change. + +Almost immediately after this the war came, and, with it, torments +of anxiety over my earthly loves. + +The fearful anxieties I was in drove me to prayer. I began to pray +more regularly; but though I prayed, I remained as miserable as +before. A painful illness came, and lasted four months. I had no +home because of the war, and nowhere to be ill in peace: and I drank +and ate wretchedness as my daily bread and wine, and wondered +why I ever was born. + +I cannot recall I was ever rebellious. No, I never was. I walked in a +maze of trouble, and endured like a poor dumb thing, _and did not +throw out my heart to God enough_ in prayer. If I had done this I +think I should have been through my pains in half the time. + +Two years went by, and, being in greater anxiety than ever because +of a great battle that was going on and my love at the front of it, I +went up on the hill where I often went, and standing there I +contended with God, crying out, "It is too much--the pain of this war +is too great and too long; I cannot bear it. I am at an end of +everything. Help me! Help me!" And in my anguish I seemed at last +to be melted and running like water before Him, and I came before +Him as it were immediately before a mighty and living Presence, +though I saw nothing. + +But though I was so near Him and appealed to Him with the whole +of my strength, there was no answer, no reply, but the great silence +of heaven. + +At last, my agony over, I walked for a little, very quiet and very sad, +and all at once a marvellous thing happened to me. I will not here +describe how it was done to me, but He filled me with love for +Himself, an amazing, all-absorbing, and tremendous love--from the +crown of my head to the soles of my feet I was filled with love. And +this was His answer--and all my sorrows fled away in a great joy. + +This third conversion produced a fundamental alteration of my +whole outlook and grasp on life. It brought me into direct contact +with God, and was the commencement of a total change of heart and +mind and consciousness; the centre of my consciousness, without +any effort of my own, suddenly moving bodily from a concentration +upon the visible or earthly to a loving and absorbed concentration +upon, and a fixed attention to, the Invisible God--a most +amazing, undreamed-of change, which remained permanent, though +fluctuating through innumerable degrees of intensity before coming +to a state of equilibrium. And now Christ went away from me, so +that I adored Him in God. After this for some weeks I went through +extraordinary spiritual experiences, the like of which had never +previously so much as entered into my heart to imagine; again I will +say nothing here of these. I came to all these experiences with great +innocence and ignorance, never having read any religious or +psychological book, and I think now that it is perhaps easier to have +it so. + +Knowing that nothing is done without a purpose, I would question +myself what I could possibly be intended to learn out of these things; +and though I have never yet found a reason for any one given +experience, yet I see this: the whole (which lasted for some +weeks and was gone through at night and always in a state of +semi-wakefulness, though not in a normal wakefulness, for the body +would be stiff and set like a board)--the whole was the most +convincing proof that He could have given me (without destroying +my flesh) of the reality of the life unseen. For how otherwise could +we be made to know of the reality of spiritual things if we were +never _taken into_ them? And having been taken into them, and +they being a thousand times more poignant than any earthly +experience, how could we forget them? Whenever doubts upon +anything presented themselves, I had nothing more to do than to +Remember! Nothing He could have devised to do for me could have +been of greater or more direct assistance to me. These experiences +were to my creature what the centre-board is to the racing yacht. +With these memories I could keep an even keel, and without them I +must have capsized many a time. + +By these spiritual experiences He gives us an immense courage, and +personal knowledge of a mysterious and hitherto unknown life of +joys so great and so intense that all sufferings endured by us here +appear to us in their true light as being a melting and cleansing +agency infinitely worth while, that we may gain in permanence such +exquisite felicity. + +Our means of reaching a personal experience, whilst still in the body, +of such a life of joys is to harmonise the spirit of our human creature +to the degree of purity required by the soul to enable her in +unfettered freedom to perform her divine functions. + +We confuse in our minds the two separate essences--that of the soul +and that of the human spirit (heart, intelligence, and will), which are +widely different; the soul acting for us as the wings of the creature. +And above and superior to the soul, and yet within it, is the divine +and incorruptible Spirit or Sparkle of God, which in its turn acts as +the wings of the soul. So we have the worm (or creature-spirit), the +soul; and the Celestial Spark, or Divine Intelligence of the soul, +which is the organ of God, and with which we are able to come in +_sensible contact_ with the divine world and God Himself. What are +our enemies? Selfishness, impatience, covetousness, pride, +ill-temper, bodily indulgences, and, above all, indifference to God of +the will of the creature. + +After this third, and last, conversion upon the hill, which so altered +my whole life, I was for a period of some months in such a state of +exaltation and enhancement of all my faculties that I did not know +myself at all. I was, without any intention or endeavour on my own +part, suddenly become like a veritable House of Arts! The most +beautiful music flowed through my mind, in which I noticed certain +peculiarities--there was no sadness in it, and it swayed me so that I +seemed to go into a state of white-heat with emotion over it. It was +extraordinarily much smoother than any earth-music I ever heard, +and extremely consecutive, like a fluid. Now with earth-music I find +that even Wagner is not able to achieve any consecutive perfection: +he reaches to a height--only to fall back and disappoint. But this +other music, which is not heard with the senses but is invariably felt +by the soul, remains at extreme and fluid perfection, and casts such +spells over the listener that he is beside himself with enjoyment. +Colour and form, imagery of all kinds, would pass through me till I +felt like an artist, and cried out with regret, "Oh, if I had only studied +this or that art and knew the grounding of it, what heights of +proficiency I could reach now!" An object of quite ordinary charm +seemed, because of that something which now filled me, to expand +into prodigious beauty! The very pavements and houses, mean and +hideous as they are, overflowed with some inexplicable glamour. +The world was turned into a veritable paradise! When I thought of it +all I was filled with amazement, and still am, for how can we +explain such changes in manner of living and seeing? At this time +my only trouble or difficulty was to conceal my condition from +others. + +But this wonderful state of things gradually passed away, and I went +into a most difficult condition. At one time of the day I would be in +an ecstasy of delight, and an hour later in some altogether +unreasonable depth of wretchedness. I went to and fro from one +extreme to the other, and my time was, I think, mostly spent in +trying to regain some kind of balance. My love for God was as great +as ever, but it had become a love all made of tears. Indeed, my +whole being seemed made of tears. I thought often of these words, +the peace of God; most certainly I had not found it. On the contrary, +my life had become an indescribable turmoil. I found no help from +my fellow-beings; I seemed to have lost the power of talking +pleasantly with them, and my point of view had become different +from theirs. Men could no longer please me, and I could not please +God! I was entirely alone spiritually, and I said to myself it would +be better if I could be alone physically as well; and I ached and +longed and dreamed of solitude till it was like a sickness. But the +only solitude I could have was in my own room. + +Now, believing myself to be a sensible and practical person, I would +say to myself that my condition, being so unreasonable, must be got +out of, and I must make every effort to do it. I prayed for two +things--that I might love God with a cheerful countenance and not with +tears, and that He would teach me quickly what to pray for; and He +gave me the impulse to pray for more and greater love. + +Next, I banished my own feelings as much as I could (since love +must not think of itself), paying as little attention to them as possible +by perpetually dropping them out as they came and returning to the +thought of Jesus, concerning myself at all times of the day to loving +inward conversation with Him; and in this manner I fastened myself +closer than ever to Him, continually praying for greater love to give +Him and passionately offering Him all that I already had, whilst +with all my will and strength I tried to climb out of my miserable +state. Soon I succeeded--I was out of it in a matter of weeks. + +* * * + +How humanity is extolled by its own kind! How men are admired, +even glorified! I am amazed, for where is the glory of any man? But +rather, how wonderful and glorious is God! that He should cause to +spring from one handful of dust such possibilities! Wonderful God! +And blessed man, that he should have so wonderful a God! + +* * * + +Some men say that man has invented for himself the thought of God, +because of the great need he feels within himself for such a Being. + +Yet look where we will in Nature, do we find a warrant for such a +thought? Are babes inspired with the desire for milk, and is that milk +withheld from the nature of all mothers? No; to the babe is given the +desire because the mother has wherewith to satisfy. So with grown +men: for to us is given a deep and secret desire for the milk of God's +love, and to Himself He has reserved the joy of leading us to it and +bestowing it upon us. + +* * * + +Sometimes for a short while the soul will suffer from a sickness (I +speak now for persons already very well advanced); she is parched +and without sweetness. Her love has no joy in it. This is not a +condition to be accepted or acquiesced in, but must be overcome at +once by a remedy of prayer: prayer addressed to the Father, _in the +name of Jesus Christ,_ a prayer of praise and adoration--"I praise +and bless and love and thank Thee, I praise and bless and love and +worship Thee, I praise and bless and love and glorify Thee"--till the +heart is fired and we return to the intimacy of love. Or the Lord's +Prayer, very slow, and with an intention both outgoing and +_intaking._ So far I have never known these remedies to fail, and +joy floods the soul and sends her swinging up, up, on to the topmost +heights again. It is magnificent. + +How is it that we can pass so, up from the visible into the Invisible, +and become so oned with it, and feel it so powerfully, that the +Invisible becomes a thousand times more real to us than the visible! +It is like a different manner of living altogether. And when anyone +so living finds himself even for a short time unfastened from this +way of living and back again to what is known to the average as +normal life, this normal life seems no better to him than some +horrible chaotic and uneven turmoil, and his brain ready to be turned +if he had to remain in it for long. When so unfastened, the whole +savour of life is completely gone, and a smallness of mind and +outlook is fallen back into from which the soul recoils in horror and +struggles quickly to free herself. + +Is this the remnant of the unruly creature rising up and grappling +with the soul again? Is this some deliberate trial of us by the Master? +or some natural spiritual sickness? Whilst in this condition we must +disappoint the Beloved. On the other hand, we find ourselves kept +to the knowledge of our own impotence and nothingness and +dependence, and the spirit is strengthened by the efforts made +quickly to recover the lost beautiful estate. + +Also we become more able to feel true patience and compassion for +such others as do not know the way of escape. So we gain, maybe, +more than we lose. + +* * * + +We may wonder how it is that the Mighty Maker of the Universe +should choose to condescend to the mere individual piece of clay. It +is incomprehensible. It is so incomprehensible that there is but one +way of looking at it. This is no favouritism to the individual, but the +evidence of a Mind with a vast plan pursuing a way and using a +likely individual. These individuals or willing souls He takes and, +setting them apart, fashions them to His own ends and liking. Of one +He will make a worker, and of another He fashions to Himself a +lover. It would seem to be His will to use the human implement to +help the human. As water, for usefulness to the many, must be +collected and put through channels, so it would seem must the +beneficence of God be collected into human vessels and channels +that it may be distributed for the use of the many and the more +feeble. + +* * * + +The more any man will consider humanity, the more he will see that +the education of the heart and will is of more importance than the +education of the brain. For in the perfectly trained and educated +heart and will we find the evidence of highest wisdom. + +* * * + +Why mortify the body with harsh austerities? When we over-mortify +the body with fastings, pains, and penances we are _remembering +the flesh._ Let us aim at the forgetting and not the despising of the +flesh. A sick body can be a great hindrance to the soul. By keeping +the body in a state of perfect wholesomeness we can more easily +pass away from the recollection of it. Chastise the mind rather than +the body. Christ taught, not the contempt or wilful neglect of the +body, but the humble submission of the body to all _circumstances,_ +the obedience of the will to God, and the glorious and immeasurable +possibilities of the human spirit. + +* * * + +We know that the love of the heart can be beautiful and full of zeal +and fervour; but the love of the soul by comparison to it is like a +furnace, and the capacities of the heart are not worthy to be named +in the same breath. Yet, deplorable as is the heart of man, it is +evidently desired by God, and must be given to Him before He will +waken the soul. To my belief, we are quite unable to awaken our +own soul, though we are able to _will_ to love God with the heart, +and through this we pass up to the border of the Veil of Separation, +where He will _sting the soul into life_ and we have Perception. + +After which the soul will often be swept or plucked up into +immeasurable glories and delights which are neither imagined nor +contrived, nor even desired by her at first--for how can we desire +that which we have never heard of and cannot even imagine? And +these delights are unimaginable before the soul is caught up into +them, and to my experience they constantly differ. The soul knows +herself to be in the hands and the power of another, outside herself. +She does not enter these joys of her own power or of her own will, +but by permission and intention and will of a force outside herself +though perceived and known inside herself. No lovers of arguments +or guessing games can move the soul to listen when she has once +been so handled. For to know is more than to guess. + +* * * + +How can a Contact with God be in any way described? It is not +seeing, but meeting and fusion with awareness. The soul retaining +her own individuality and consciousness to an intense degree, but +imbued with and fused into a life of incredible intensity, which +passes through the soul vitalities and emotions of a life so new, so +vivid, so amazing, that she knows not whether she has been +embraced by love or by fire, by joy or by anguish: for so fearful is +her joy that she is almost unable to endure the might of it. And how +can the heat or fire of God be described? It is very far from being +like the cruelty of fire, and yet it is so tremendous that the mind +knows of little else to compare it to. But it is like a vibration of great +speed and heat, like a fluid and magnetic heat. + +This heat is of many degrees and of several kinds. The heat of Christ +is mixed with indescribable sweetness: giving marvellous pleasure +and refreshment and happiness, and wonderfully adapted to the +delicacy of the human creature. The heat of the Godhead is very +different, and sometimes we may even feel it to be cruel and +remorseless in its very terrible and swift intensity. But the soul, like +all great lovers, never flinches or hangs back, but passionately lends +herself. If He chose to kill her with this joy she would gladly have it +so. + +By these incomprehensible wonders He seems to say to the creature: +"Come thou here, that I may teach thee what is Joy; come thou here, +that I may teach thee what is _Life._ For none are permitted to teach +of these things save I Myself." + +* * * + +There is another manner. The Spirit comes upon the soul in waves of +terrible power. Now in a rapture God descends upon the soul, +catching her suddenly up in a marvellous embrace: magnetising her, +ravishing her. He is come, and He is gone. In an ecstasy the soul +goes out prepared to meet Him, seeking Him by praise and prayer, +pouring up her love towards Him; and He, condescending to her, +fills her with unspeakable delights, and at rare times He will catch +her from an ecstasy into a greater rapture. At least, so it is with me: +the ecstasy is prepared for, but in the quicker rapture (or catching up) +it is He that seeks the soul. These two conditions, though given very +intermittently, become a completely natural experience. I should say +that the soul lived by this way: it is her food and her life, which she +receives with all the simplicity and naturalness of the hungry man +turning to his bodily food. But these waves of power were +something altogether new and very hard to endure. As each wave +passed I would come up out of it, as it were, gasping. It was as if +something too great for the soul to contain was being forced through +her. It was as if one should try to force at fearful pressure fluid +through a body too solid to be percolated by it. I understood nothing +of what could be intended by such happenings, neither could I give +accommodation to this intensity. I tried to make myself a wholly +willing receptacle and instrument, but after the third day of this I +could not bear any more. I was greatly distressed. I could not +understand what was required of me. I gave myself totally to Him, +and it was not enough. And at last I cried to Him, saying: "I +understand nothing: forgive me, my God, for my great foolishness, +but Thy power is too much for me. Do what Thou wilt with me; I +am altogether Thine. Drown me with Thy strength, break me in +pieces--I am willing; only do it quickly, my Lord, and have done +with it, for I am so small. But I love Thee with all that I have or am; +yet I am overwhelmed: I am still too little to be taught in this way, it +is too much for my strength. Yet do as Thou wilt; I love Thee, I love +Thee." And He heard me, and He ceased: and He returned to the +ways that I understood and dearly loved, and for weeks I lived in +Paradise. But my body was dreadfully shaken, and I suffered with +my heart and breathing. + +Shortly after I began to know that another change had come into me. +God had become intensely my Father, and Christ the lover was gone +up again into the Godhead--as happened after my third conversion +upon the hill. + +So great, so tremendous was this sense of the _Fatherhood_ of God +become that I had only to think the word Father to seem to be +instantly transported into His very bosom. Oh, the mighty sweetness +of it! But it is not an ecstasy. The creature and soul are dead to +world-life, as in a rapture or ecstasy; but the soul is not the bride, +she is the child, and, full of eager and adoring intimacy, she flies +into His ever-open arms, and never, never does she miss the way. +Oh, the sweetness of it, the great, great glory of it, and the folly of +words! If only all the world of men and women could have this joy! +How to help even one soul towards it is what fills my heart and +mind. How convince them, how induce them to take the first steps? +It is the first steps we need to take. He does not drive, He calls. +"Come to Me," He calls. It is this failure to have the will to go to +Him which is the root of all human woe. Would we but take the first +few steps towards Him, He will carry us all the rest of the way. +These first few steps we take holding to the hand of Jesus. For the +so-called Christian there is no other way (but he is no Christian until +he has taken it). For the Buddhist, doubtless, Gautama is permitted +to do the same. But for those who are baptized in Jesus Christ's +name, He is their only Way. + +* * * + +God, once found, is so poignantly ever-present to the soul that we +must sing and whisper to Him all the day. + +O marvellous and exquisite God! I am so enraptured by Thy +nearness, I am so filled with love and joy, that there is no one, +nothing, in heaven or earth to me save Thine Own Self, and I could +die for love of Thee! Indeed I am in deep necessity to find Thee at +each moment of the day, for so great is Thy glamour that without +Thee my days are like bitter waters and a mouthful of gravel to a +hungry man. How long wilt Thou leave me here--set down upon the +earth in this martyrdom of languishing for love of Thee? And +suddenly, when the pain can be endured no more, He embraces the +soul. Then where do sorrow and waiting fly? and what is pain? +There never were such things! + +* * * + +We do well never to recall past ecstasies. In this way the soul comes +to each encounter with a lovely freshness and purity, and neither +makes comparisons nor curious comments, but gives herself wholly +to love. But by these contacts the soul gains a secret and personal +knowledge of God: without sight and without reasoning she actually +feels to partake of God, so that she passes by these means far up +beyond belief, into experiences of knowledge which in their +poignant intensity are at once an ineffable violence and a marvellous +white peace. + +* * * + +I find the lark the most wonderful of all birds. I cannot listen to his +rhapsodies without being inspired (no matter what I may be in the +midst of doing or saying) to throw up my own love to God. In the +soaring insistence of his song and passion I find the only thing in +Nature which so suggests the high-soaring and rapturous flights of +the soul. But I am glad that we surpass the lark in sustaining a far +more lengthy and wonderful flight; and that we sing, not downwards +to an earthly love, but upwards to a heavenly. + +To my mind, this is man's only justification for considering himself +above the beasts--that we can love, and communicate with, God. For +where otherwise is his superiority? He builds fine buildings which +crumble and decay. He digs holes in the earth to take out treasures +which he has not made; and if he makes himself the very highest +tower of wealth or fame, he must come down from it and be buried +in the earth like any other carcase. + +* * * + +It is better not to contend, either with others or against our own body. +If we contend against anything we impress it the more firmly upon +our consciousness. So if we would overcome the lusts of the body, +let us do it not by harming or by contending against the body, which +but emphasises its powers and importance, but let us rather proceed +to ignore and make little of the body by forgetting it and passing out +of it into higher things; and eventually we shall learn to live, not in +the lower state, but in the joy of the soul. Why have a contempt for +the body? I once did, and found that I was committing a great sin +against the Maker of it. + +How dare we say "my body is vile," when He fashioned it! It is +blasphemous, when we consider that it is His Temple. + +To my mind the body is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and is +greatly sinned against by our evil hearts and minds and tongues. The +body would do no harm if we, with our free-will, did not think out +the wickedness first in our own hearts. For first we commit theft and +adultery with the mind, and then we cause the body to carry out +these things. We know that the body is under the law, and its +appetites are under the law, but the heart and mind and tongue are +perpetual breakers of this law. It is lawful for the body to take its +meat and drink, but not to be surfeited and drunken. It is lawful for +the body to have its desires and its loves, but not to be promiscuous +and unfaithful. + +But we know that a better way is to turn all appetites and greeds to +this, that we be greedy and ravenous for Christ. Only so shall we use +the appetites of mind and heart and body for their true end, and that +not by despising but by conversion. + +With great insistence I have been taught not to despise anything +whatever in Creation of _things made_ in His most beautiful and +wonderful world, though often I may cry with tears, "Lord God! +raise me to a world holier and nearer to Thyself, for I am +heartbroken here." + +Yet I am taught only to despise such things as lying, deceitfulness, +hypocrisy, and uncleanness--in fact, stenches of the heart and +mind,--and not to think too much about these, but, passing on, drop +out the recollection of them in thoughts of finer things. + +His inward instruction has been this, quietly to lay upon one side all +that which is not pleasing to God; and one by one, and piece by +piece, to fold up and put away all that He does not love. + +Above all, He has taught me to have no self-esteem and no prides; +and to such a degree do I have to learn this, that, without the +smallest exaggeration, I am hardly ever able to think myself the +equal of a dog. But the love of a dog for his master is a very fine +thing. + +* * * + +I think we mistake our own power and capacity in even seeking to +imitate the Christ; let us begin rather by taking into our heart and our +mind the Christ as the Man-Jesus. For His love and power only can +show us the way to imitate the Christ which is in Him. + +* * * + +Is the temporary loss of grace our fault, or is it a deliberate +withdrawal and testing upon His part? Both. Every condition that we +are in which is not pure and perfect of its kind, such as pure peace, +pure joy, pure harmony, is because of failure on our part to _hold_ +to Him. Whenever, and for so long, as we keep ourselves in the +single and simple condition of mind and heart necessary for the +perception and reception of Him, for just so long shall we receive +and perceive him; but this condition again we cannot maintain +without grace. All loss of joy, of serenity, of contact, is failure, then, +on our part or withdrawal upon His. Yet we learn a bitter but useful +lesson by these losses of ability for connection. To return +ignominiously to our dust is a most bitter humiliation and trial--indeed, +a desolation. Now, if we did not so return we might suppose +ourselves able, of our own power, not only to achieve momentary +connection with the Divine, but to remain at will in this sublime +condition, by which I mean in a state bordering upon ecstasy. The +withdrawal of grace therefore would seem to be a necessary part of +the education and of the constant humbling of the soul. To find +ourselves, of our own unaided capacity, by the mere force of our +own will, able to constantly go up to so high a level would +inevitably foster pride; indeed, to attain such a capacity would seem +to place us on a level with the angels! + +By these withdrawals of grace, which came at first very tenderly, but +gradually with greater and greater severity, I have learnt this: that in +spite of all that has been done for me, of all that I have experienced, +in spite of all the heights to which at times I have been raised, I +remain nothing better than the frailest and unworthiest thing! The +sight of an ugly grey cloud, momentarily and gloriously illumined +by the sun, is a sufficient illustration of the temporary +transformation of our own selves touched by the light and the glory +of God. + +For the carrying out of His plan, it would seem to be His good +pleasure that we are just what we are--not angels, but little human +things, full of simplicity and trust and love. "Like dear children," as +St Paul says; and yet, oh! wonder of wonders! _far more than this._ +For whilst we patiently wait, from time to time He stoops and +embraces the soul in an infinite bliss, in which we are no more +children, but are caught up into High Love. + +At first when we begin this new kind of living He holds us firmly, as +it were, to a condition suitable for contact with Him. If He did not +do so, having had no previous practice, we should never remain in it +for two moments together. Then little by little He teaches us to live +with less frequent joy, and this is the cause of much difficulty and +trouble. It is hard to endure being without this blessed state and +these marvellous favours, and more and more I found He withdrew +them whilst often my worldly and commonplace heart and mind still +held me back--_even from peace._ If we could but rid ourselves +quickly of all selfish desires and greeds! Not until I had learnt to do +this was I given back my joys, and then sparingly. + +How I would turn towards that secret door--the door of the kingdom +of love,--and calling to Him, hear no reply! Where is He gone?--why +this desertion?--I would cry. How can He cause such pain, how can I +bear such dreadful deprivations, and what is love but a sharp sword? +Lord, let me hear Thy voice, for I am in despair; I cannot bear these +pains, I fear for everything, my joy is lost. My bread is spread with +bitterness; where is the honey that I love so well? Lord, call to me +even from far away, and I shall hear and be consoled. Lord, I am +sick and ill--how canst Thou leave me so? Hast Thou no pity for my +pain?--is this Thy love? _My_ pain! Lord, I remember! Thou hast +been kissed by pain more frequently than I. Oh, let me wipe the +memory of Thy pain away with my warm love, and let me sing to +Thee and be Thy lark, and do Thou go and wander where Thou wilt +and I will love Thee just the same! And softly the Voice of the +Beloved, saying: "I am here, I never left thee; but thou wast busy +crying of thy pains and did not hear Me when I answered thee." +Lord, so I was! I was so filled with self, and, asking for _Thy gifts, I +did forget to give!_ and so lost love. + +* * * + +It is hard to conquer in small things, petty irritations, worries, cares +of this world, likes and dislikes--all of these being subtle temptations, +and all selfish. For instance, very often I find the human voice the +most horrible thing that I know! I will be in a beautiful state of mind, +and people around me will drag me from it with their maddening +inanities of conversation. This one will speak of the weather, and +that one of food; another of scandal, another of amusements. They +will talk of their love for a dog, for a horse, for golf, for men or +women; but never do I hear at any time, or anywhere, anyone speak +of their love for God. I must listen to all their loves, but if I should +venture to speak of mine they would look at me amazed; indeed, I +never should dare to do it. And this is perhaps the greatest weakness +that I have to fight against now, and one that spoils the harmony of +the mind more than any other--that I cannot always control myself +from secret though unspoken irritation, impatience, and criticisms; +and to criticise is to judge, and in this there is wrong, and the +smallest breeze of wrong is enough to blow to--even to close--the +door into that other lovely world. And not only this, but every such +failure is a disappointment to the Beloved. Many times I say to Him, +"What canst Thou do with us all, Beloved--such a mass of selfish, +foolish, blundering, sinful creatures, all hanging and pulling on to +Thee at the same moment?" And I will be filled with a passionate +desire to so progress that I may stand a little alone and not be a +perpetual drag upon Him, and, feeling strong, perhaps I will say: "I +will give up my share of Thee to someone else, and not draw upon +Thee for a little while, my Beloved Lord." But oh, in less than an +hour, if He should take me at my word! I could cry and moan like a +small child, in my horrible emptiness and longing for Him. And +where now is my strength?--I have not an ounce of it without Him! +By this I learn in my own person how He is life itself to us, in all +ways. He is the air, the bread, and the blood of the soul, and no one +can live without at every moment drawing upon Him, though they +do it insensibly. What a weight to carry, what a burden, this whole +hungry clamouring mass of disobedient men and women! Oh, my +Beloved, how frequently I weep for all Thy bitter disappointment--never +ending! + +But this we may be sure of--that all the marvels of His grace are not +poured out on some poor scrappit for no other reason than to give +him pleasure. There is a vast purpose behind it all, and by keenest +attention we must pick up this purpose, understand it, _and do it._ +This is the true work of man, to love God with all the heart and mind +and soul and strength, and not those material works with which we +all so easily satisfy ourselves and our consciences, and our _bodily_ +needs. + +He has marvellous ways (and very difficult to the beginner) of +conveying His wishes. To my finding, the inward life of us is like a +perpetual interchange of conversation between the heart and its +many desires and the mind (which for myself I put into three +parts--the intelligence, the will, the reason). Now, all these parts of my +heart and of my mind formerly occupied themselves entirely with +worldly things, passing from one thing to another in most disorderly +fashion; but now they occupy themselves (save for bodily +necessities) _solely_ with Him. There is a perpetual smooth and +beautiful conversation between them _to_ Him and _of_ Him; and +suddenly He will seem to enter into this conversation, suggesting +thoughts which are not mine. + +Often He will stab the soul, but not with words, also the heart; and I +have known such communications lie for weeks before they could +be taken up by the mind, turned into words, and finally as _words_ +be digested by the reason. And another way to the soul only--rare, +untransferable to words, and therefore not transmittable to others or +to the reason. This way causes the creature a great amazement, and +is like a flooding or moving of whiteness, or an inwardly-felt +phosphorescence; it is a vitalising ministration greatly enjoyed by +the soul. This is not any ecstasy, and is exceedingly swift; the soul +must be at _high attention_ to receive this, yet neither anticipates +nor asks for it, but is in the act of giving great and joyful adoration. + +* * * + +I do not remember when I first became fully conscious that the +centre or seat of my emotions was changed, and that I now +responded to all the experiences of life only with the higher parts of +me. + +This change I found inexplicable and remarkable, for it was +fundamental, and yet neither intended nor thought of by me. With +this alteration in the physical correspondences to life came a +corresponding alteration in the spiritual of me. + +Formerly I supposed that the soul dwelt in, or was even a part of, the +mind. Now, though the mind must be filled wholly with God, and all +other things whatsoever put out of it if we would contemplate Him +or respond to Him, yet neither the brain nor the intelligence of the +creature can come into any contact with Him; and this I soon learnt. + +Correspondence with the Divine is accomplished for the creature +through the heart and by the uppermost part of the breast, this latter +place (above the heart and below the mind) is the dwelling-place of +the celestial spark of the soul, which lies, as it were, between two +fires--that of the heart and that of the mind, responding directly to +neither of these, but to God only. + +Before I was touched upon the hill I was not aware of the locality of +any part of my soul, neither was there anything which could +convince me that I even possessed a soul. I did no more than believe +and suppose that I did possess one. But the soul, once revived, +becomes the most powerful and vivid part of our being; we are not +able any longer to mistake its possession or position in the body. She +is indeed the wonderful and lovely mistress of us, with which alone +we can unlock the mysteries of God's love. + +* * * + +How poor and cold a thing is mere belief! No longer do I _believe_ +in Jesus Christ: I do _possess Him._ So complete is the change that +He brings about in us that I now only count my life and my time +from the first day of this new God-consciousness that I received +upon the hill, for that was the first day of my real life; just as +formerly I would count my time from the first day of my physical +birth, and from that on to my falling in love and to my marriage, +which once seemed to me to be the most important dates. + +Whilst these changes were taking place in me I would often be filled +with uneasiness and some alarm; asking myself what all this could +mean, and if it could be the way of martyrs or saints, for I had no +courage or liking to be one or the other and was very frightened of +suffering. And I think my cunning heart would have liked to take all +the sweets and leave the bitter. How well He knew this, and how +exquisitely He handled me, never forcing, only looking at me, +_inviting_ me with those marvellous perfections of His! How could +I possibly resist Him? All the while, all my waking hours, I felt that +strange, new, incomprehensible, steady, insistent _drawing_ and urgency +of the Spirit in me. Little by little I went--and still go--_towards_ +perfection, whilst my cowardly heart endured many fears, +but these are now past. It was not any desire for my own salvation; +to this I have never given so much as two thoughts. It was the +_irresistible attraction_ of our marvellous and beautiful God. He +lured, He drew me with His loveliness, His holy perfections, His +unutterable purity. _I longed to please Him._ The whole earth was +filled with the glamour of Him, and I filled with horror to see how +utterly unlike--apart from the glorious Beloved--I was. How +frightful my blemishes, which must stink in His nostrils! Think of it! +To stink in the nostrils of the Beloved! What lover could endure to +do such a thing? No effort could be too great or painful to beautify +oneself for Him. In this there is no virtue; it is the driving necessity +of love, a necessity known by every lover worthy of the name on +earth. To please and obey this ineffable and exquisite Being!--the +privilege intoxicated me more and more. + +All these changes in my heart and mind continually filled me with +surprise, for I was never pious, though inwardly and secretly I had +so ardently sought Him. I was attentive, humble, and reverent, +nothing more. + +But though I had perhaps little or no piety, and never read a single +religious book, I had had a deep thirst for the perfect and the holy +and the pure, as I seemed unable to find them here on the earth. In +the quiet solemnity of church, or under the blue skies, I could detach +myself from my surroundings and reach up and out with wistful +dimness towards the ineffable holiness and purity of God--God who, +for me at least, remained persistently so unattainable. + +And yet one blessed day I was to find Him suddenly, all in one +glorious hour, no longer unattainable but immanently, marvellously +near, and willing to remain for me so strangely permanently near +that I must sing silently to Him from my heart all the day long--sing +to Him silently, because even the faintest whisper would feel too +gross and loud between my soul and Him. And in hours when I fall +from this wonderful estate I think I come very near hell, so awful is +my loss. + +Our greatest need is to relearn the will of God. For we are so +separated from Him that we now look upon His Will as on a cross, +as an incomprehensible sacrifice, as but self-abnegation, pain, and +gloom. We repudiate it in terror. + +If we have the will to relearn His Will, we stand still and think of it, +we walk to seek it, we try to accept it, trembling we bow down to it +with obedience and many tears; and behold! it changes to an +Invitation, a sigh of beauty, a breath of spring, the song of birds, the +faces of flowers, the ever-ascending spiral of the mating of all loves, +the sunshine of the Universe; and at last, intoxicated with happiness, +we say: "My God, my Love, I sip and drink Thy Will as an +ambrosial Wine!" + +* * * + +To the lover of God all affections go up and become enclosed, as it +were, into one affection, which is Himself; so that we have no love +for anyone or anything _apart_ from Him. In this is included, in a +most deep and mysterious fashion, marriage-love in all its aspects. +In every way it can become a sacrament: there is nothing in it which +is not holy, in no way does the marriage bond of the body separate +the spirit from acceptableness to God. + +But I was some time before I could arrive at this, and could see +marriage as the physical prototype in this physical world of the +spiritual union with Himself in the spiritual world. And this was +arrived at, not by prudish questionings and criticisms, but by +remembering that this relationship between men and women is His +thought, His plan, not ours. We are responsible for our part in it only +in so far as to keep the bond of it pure and clean and sweet, and +submit ourselves in all things _as completely and orderly as possible +to His plans, whatever they may be._ In this attitude of +unquestioning, unresisting submission, the Holy Spirit finds a swift +and easy channel through us. It is our opposition to the passage of +the Holy Will which causes all the distress and uneasiness of life. He +has no wish to impose distress and suffering upon us. His Will +towards us is pure joy, pure love, pure peace, pure sweetness. This +bond of earthly marriage is of the flesh and can be kept by the body, +and yet the heart, mind, and soul remain in lovely perfect chastity; +and I found that this exquisite freedom--after prolonged endeavours +on the part of the soul and the creature--was at length given them as +a gift by act of grace, and remained in permanence without variation. + +* * * + +We know that these things are deep mysteries and largely hidden; +but this I know: as the heart feels love in itself for God, in that same +instant comes God into the soul of the lover. Now, where God is we +know that there is neither evil, nor sadness, nor unhappiness, nor +any recollection of such things; therefore, to be a great and constant +lover to Him is to be automatically lifted from all unhappinesses. + +This is our wisest and our best desire, to be a splendid lover to our +Most Glorious God. + +The more I see of and talk with other people, the more I see how +greatly changed I am. I am _freed._ They are bound. I find them +bound by fears, by anxieties, by worries, by apprehensions of evil +things, by sadness, by fears of death for their loved ones or for +themselves. Now, we are freed of all these things _if we keep to the +Way,_ which is the Road of Love. This change we do not bring +about for ourselves, and do not perhaps even realise that it can be +effected. For myself, I seemed to be lifted into it, or into a +_capacity_ for it, on that day and in that moment in which I first +loved God. This is not to say that since that moment I have not had +to struggle, suffer, and endure, to keep myself in, and progress in +this condition; but my sufferings, struggles, and endurances, being +for love and in love and because of love, were and are in themselves +beautiful, and leave in the recollection nothing inharmonious. They +are the difficult prelude to a glorious melody. + +Another thing--we become by this love for Him so large that we +seem to embrace within our own self the Universe! In some +mysterious manner we become in sympathy with all things in the +bond of His making. + +Are these things worth nothing whatever, that the majority of people +should be content to spend their lives looking for five-pound notes +and even shillings--and this not only the poor, but the rich more so? +I am far more at a loss to understand my fellow-men than I am to +understand God. We have need of the shillings, but of other and +more lovely things besides, which cost no money and may be had by +the poorest. It is rapidly becoming the only sorrow of my life that +people do not all come to share this Life in which I live. How that +parable knocks at the heart, "Go out into the highways and the +hedges and compel them to come in!" To know all this _fullness_ of +life and not to be able to bring even my nearest and dearest into it: +what a terrible mystery is this!--it is an agony. Now, in this agony I +share the Agony of Jesus. This is a part of the Cross, and only the +Father can make it straight. I see Heaven held out, and _refused;_ +love held out, and _refused;_ perfection shown, and killed upon a +cross. What is the crucifix but that most awful of all things--the +Grief of God made Visible? Perfect Love submitting itself to the vile +freewill of man and dying of wounds! My God! my God! and did +_I_ ever have a hand in such a thing? I did. + +* * * + +What is it that seems more than any other thing whatever to throw us +at last into the arms of God? Suffering. And this not because it is His +will (for how much rather would He have us turn to Him in our joy +and prosperity), but rather that it is _our_ will, that in our earthly +joys and prosperities we turn away from Him, and only seek His +consolations when we see the failure of our health or happiness. And +having by His mercy and forgiveness found Him, we too often and +too easily think to glorify ourselves and name each other saints! Did +Jesus call us saints? These glorifications mankind would appear to +bestow upon itself. He spoke of His flock, and of those who through +Him should have life eternal, and of those who, because of the road +they take, have their joys in this world only. + +* * * + +When I was being taught to pray for national things and for other +persons, and found these prayers answered, I was inclined to be +afraid; thinking, What am I that I should dare to petition the Most +High? But He showed it me so, which, as in everything, is for all of +us: "It is but a cloud which reflects the glories of the promise of My +rainbow; so can the dust, such as thyself, reflect yet other fashions +of My will and glory. There is no presumption in the cloud that it +should glow with My power; neither is there presumption in thy dust +that it should be My vehicle. Both the cloud and thy dust are Mine." + +* * * + +As we progress in this new way of living we find an increasing +difficulty in maintaining petition; for on commencing to petition we +will almost invariably be instantly lifted up to such a state of +adoration that the whole soul is nothing but a burning song, a thing +of living worship. At first I was inclined to blame myself, but now I +know that it is acceptable for us to pass from petitioning (no matter +who or what for) to high adoration, even though it is a great personal +indulgence (and the petitioning is a _hard task)--_an indulgence so +extreme that I cannot call to my mind anything in any experience or +time of my life, excepting actual raptures, which could, or can, in +any way compare or be named in the same breath with this most +marvellous joy; for out of this joy of adoration flows the Song of the +Soul. + +And all these previous years of my life I have lived with the greater +part of me dead, and most persons the same! The more I think of it, +the more amazed I am at our folly--working and fretting, and +striving and looking for every kind of thing except the one thing, +beautiful, needful, and living, which is the finding of the personal +connection between ourselves and God and the Waters of Life. + +Looking to my own experiences, I see clearly how I never could +have found without the most powerful and incessant assistance. We +are, then, never alone. But first we must have _the will to seek these +waters._ This is the secret of the whole matter. He can turn the vilest +into a pure lover--if the vilest be willing to have the miracle +performed on him! This is the grace of God, and what does it cost +Him to pour out this mighty power through us? For everything has +its price. My Lord! my Lord! we are not worthy of it all. + +This I notice, that when He removes this grace, very shortly the +mind goes back to a false, uneven, inharmonious state; so we +become like an instrument all out of tune, and are caused +indescribable sufferings, like a musician whose ears and nerves are +tortured by false notes, whilst his unmusical neighbours feel no pain! +The musician pays a price for the privilege of his great gift; so the +lover of Christ. + +Again, there is a price to pay for the immeasurable _joy_ of prayer, +for prayers are not always sweet nor life-giving. The prayers to +Christ are always a refreshment, but prayers to the Father may +suddenly be turned without any previous thought or private intention +into a most awful grief for the abominations of the whole world of +us, a terrible wordless burnt-sacrifice of the soul, of unspeakable +anguish. And high petitioning is a fearful and profound strain upon +the soul and the whole creature. + +* * * + +We say that we have need of the purification and conversion of the +soul; but rather it is first the conversion of the heart, mind, and will +that we have need of. For this would feel to be the drama of our +life--the human heart, intelligence, and will are the ego of the creature. +Our soul is the visitor within this creature, containing within herself +a pure, holy, and incorruptible sparkle of the Divine, and lies choked +and atrophied in her human house until revived and awakened by +her holy lover; and this awakening is not given to her till the heart +and mind of her human house (or the will and spirit of the creature) +is in a state of regeneration, or condition to go forward towards God. +Which is to say, the creature has been touched by repentance and a +desire for the pure and the holy. For if the soul should be awakened +to an unrepentant creature, this Will and imperishable worm of the +creature (which is of greater coarseness and lustiness than the +delicate and fragile soul) will overcome the soul; and this is not the +goal, neither is the death of the creature the goal, but the lifting up of +the creature into the Divine--this is the goal. + +After being awakened, then, in her human house, the soul finds +herself locked in with two most treacherous and soiled companions--the +human heart and mind; and so great is her loathing and her +distress, that for shame's sake these two are constrained to improve +themselves. But their progress is slow, and now comes a long and +painful time of alternation between two states. At one time the soul +will conquer the creature, imposing upon it a sovereign beauty of +holiness; and at another the creature will conquer the soul, imposing +upon her its hideous designs and desires, and causing her many +sicknesses. Hence we have the warring which we feel within +ourselves, for the soul now desires her home and the creature its +appetites. + +Until this awakening of the soul takes place, we mistake in thinking +that we either live with our soul, or know our soul, or feel with our +soul. She does but stir within us from time to time, awaking strange +echoes that we do not comprehend; and we live with the mind and +the heart and the body only--which is to say, we live as the creature; +and this is why on the complete awakening of the soul we feel in the +creature an immense and altogether indescribable enhancement of +life and of all our faculties, so that in great amazement we say, "I +have never _lived_ until this day." When first the will of the creature +is wholly submitted to the lovely guidance of the divine part of the +soul, then first we know the ineffable joys of the world of free spirit. +For to live with the mind and the body is to be in a state of existence +in nature. But to live with the soul is to live above nature, in the +immeasurable freedom and intensity of the spirit. And this is the +tremendous task of the soul--that she help to redeem the heart and +mind from their vileness of the creature and so lift the human +upwards with herself to the Divine from whence she came. This, +then, is the transmutation or evolution by divine means of the human +into the divine; and for this we need to seek repentance or change of +heart and mind, which is the will of the creature turning itself +towards the beauties of the spirit, that Christ may awaken in us the +glories of that sleeping soul which is His bride. + +When the soul is fully revived we can know it by this, that we are +not able any longer to content ourselves with anything nor anyone +save God. Neither are we able to love any save God, for all human +desires and loves mysteriously ascend and are merged into the +Divine. So, though we love our friend, we love him in God, and in +every man perceive but another lover for the Beloved. + +* * * + +To love God might commence to be expressed as being a great quiet, +an intense activity, a prodigious joy, and the poignant knowledge of +_the immensity of an amazing new life shared._ + +The contemplation of God might be expressed as the folding up or +complete forgetfulness of all earthly and bodily things, desires, and +attractions, and the raising of the heart and mind and the centring of +them in great and joyful intensity upon God, by means of love. Of +this contemplation of God I find two principal forms: the passive +and the active. In the first we are in a state of steady, quiet, and +loving perception and reception, and at some farness; in this we are +able to remain for hours, entering this state when waking at dawn +and remaining in it till rising. + +In active contemplation we are in rapturous and passionate adoration +with great nearness, and are not able to remain in it long because of +bodily weakness. The soul feels to be never tired by the longest +flight, but must return because of the exhaustion of the forlorn and +wretched creature, which creature is complete in itself, having its +body, of which, being able to touch it, we say, "It is my body," and +its heart and mind with intelligence, of which we are wont to think, +"This is myself"; yet it is but a part, for the intelligence of our +creature is by no means the intelligence of the divine soul, but a far +lesser light: for with the intelligence of the divine soul we reach out +to God and attain Him, but with the intelligence of the creature we +reach towards Him but do not attain, for with it we are unable to +penetrate the veil. Therefore, who would know the joys of +contemplation must come to them by love, for love is the only +means by which the creature can attain. The soul attains God as her +birthright, but the creature by adoption and redemption, and this +through love. By love the creature dies and is reborn into the spirit. + +* * * + +The word "poverty," as used to express a necessary condition of our +coming to God, is a most misleading term. For how can any +condition be rightly named poverty which brings us into the riches +of God? Rather let us use the words "singleness of heart," or +"simplicity": which is to say, we _put out_ all other interests save +those pleasing to God (to commence with), and afterwards we reach +the condition in which we _have no_ interests but in God Himself--the +heart and mind and will of the creature becoming wholly God's, +and God filling them. How can we say, then, that it is poverty to be +filled with God! Rather is it rightly expressed as being a heart fixed +in singleness upon God, through drastic simplification of interests: +the which is no poverty, but the wealth of all the Universe. + +* * * + +Some of us seem open to suggestion, others to the steadier effects of +personal influence. I never came under the personal influence of +another except once, when I came under the influence of the being I +loved most--my brother. At ten he saved my life from drowning, and +at eighteen his influence and total lack of faith in God, coupled with +the searchings and probings of my own intelligence, took me away +from God, in whom I had previously had a comfortable faith. At +seventeen I began to lap up the hardest scientific books as a cat laps +milk. I said to myself, "I must find truth, I must find out what +everything really is"; but I could not reconcile science with Church +teaching. I was not able to adjust the truths of science--which were +demonstrable to both senses and intelligence--with the unprovable +dogmas set forth by the Church as necessary to salvation. I slowly +and surely lost what faith I had, and hung a withered heart upon the +pitiless and nameless bosom of the Cosmos. Inward life became for +me a horrible emptiness without hope. Surrounded with gaieties and +the innumerable social successes of youth, I found that neither +science nor society could satisfy my soul, or that something living +within me which knew a terrible necessity for God. For two long +and dreadful years I fought secretly and desperately to regain this +lost belief, and when at last I succeeded there remained a monstrous +and impenetrable wall between myself and God. But by comparison +with the horrors of past loneliness it was heaven to me to feel Him +there, even behind that wall. (Now that I have found Him by love, I +am able to return to science as to a most exquisite unrolling of the +majesty of His truths and powers and laws, and am brought nearer +and nearer to Him the more I learn of science.) Outside the wall I +remained for more than twenty years, seeking and searching for an +opening in that mighty barrier. + +And after more than twenty years I found the Door--and it was Jesus +Christ. + +* * * + +Lately I have seen the word "contemplation" used as expressing the +heights of attainment in God-consciousness of men, and I find it +inadequate. From the age of seventeen I fell into the habit of +contemplation, not of God, but of Nature: which is to say, I would +first place myself, sitting, in such a position that my body would not +fall and I might completely forget it, and then would look about me +and drink in the beauty of the scene, my eyes coming finally to rest +upon the spot most beautiful to me. There they remained fixed. All +thoughts were now folded up so that my mind, flowing singly in one +direction, concentrated itself upon the beauty on which I gazed. This +soon vanished, and I saw nothing whatever, but, bearing away into a +place of complete silence and emptiness, I there assimilated and +enjoyed inwardly the soaring essence of the beauty which I had +previously drawn into my mind through my eyes, being now no +longer conscious of seeing outwardly, but living entirely from the +inward. This I did almost every day, but to do it I was obliged to +seek solitude, and absolute solitude is a hard thing to find; but I +sought it, no matter where, even in a churchyard! I saw no graves. I +saw the sky, or a marvellous cloud pink with the kisses of the sun, +and away I went. I judge this now to have been contemplation, +though I never thought of it by so fine-sounding a name; it was only +my delightful pastime, yet there was a strange inexpressible sadness +in it. Nature and beauty were not enough. The more beauty I saw, +the more I longed for something to which I could not put a name. At +times the ache of this pain became terrible, almost agonising, but I +could not forgo my pastime. Now, at last, I know what this pain was: +my soul looked for God, but my creature did not know it. For just in +this same way we contemplate God, savouring Him without seeing +Him, and being filled to the brim with marvellous delights with no +sadness. + +But this condition of contemplation is very far from being the +mountain-top; it is but a high plateau from which we make the final +ascent. The summit is an indescribable contact, and this summit is +not one summit but many summits. Which is to say, we have contact +of several separate forms--that of giving, that of receiving, and that +of immersion or absorption, which _at its highest_ is altogether +unendurable as fire. + +Of this last I am able only to say this: that not only is it inexpressible +by any words, but that that which is a state of extreme beatitude to +the soul is death to the creature by excess of joy. Therefore both +heart and mind fear to recall any details of the memory of this +highest attainment. I knew it but once. To know it again would be +the death of my body. For more than two hours (as well as I am able +to judge) before coming to this highest experience, my soul travelled +through what felt to be an ocean, for she rose and fell upon billows +in a state of infinite bliss. + +Of other forms of contact we have a swift, unexpected, even +unsought-for attainment, which is entirely of His volition; that +sudden condescension to the soul, in which in unspeakable rapture +she is caught up to her holy lover. + +These are the topmost heights which the creature dare recall, though +to the soul they remain in memory as life itself. The variations of +these forms of contact are infinite, for God would seem to will to be +both eternal changelessness and variation in infinitude. + +Because of this, and the marvellous depths and heights and breadths +of life revealed to her, the soul is able to conceive of an eternity of +bliss, for monotony ceases to be joy. In Nature we see that no two +trees in a forest are alike, and two fruits gathered from one bough +have not the same flavour. + +But to my feeling all degrees of attainment are only to be +distinguished as varying degrees of union, the joy of which is of a +form and a degree of intensity and purity which can enter neither the +heart nor the mind to imagine, but must be experienced to be +understood, and when experienced remains in part incomprehensible. +It is not to be obtained by force of the will, neither can it be obtained +without the will. It is, then, a mystery of two wills in unison, in +which our will is temporarily fused into and consumed by the will of +God and is in transports of felicity over its own annihilation! This is +outside reason and therefore incomprehensible to the creature, but +comprehensible to the soul, and becomes the aim and object of our +life to attain in permanence, and is the uttermost limit of all +conceivable rapture. + +When I first knew union and contact upon the hill I had the +impression of a very great light outside of me. I never again had an +outward impression of it. + +But when any sense of inward _light_ is felt I consider it to be a +high ecstasy and hard for the body. It is the sweet and gentle +touchings of Christ which are the great and unspeakable comfort of +both soul and body. Inward heat I never felt till many months after +my third conversion and more than four years from my first +conversion. This extraordinary sensation, which to my mind is like a +magnetic seething with heat and ravishment of joy, I felt inwardly +only after I had learnt to know a sudden, secret, joyous delight of +love in the soul, which is easiest described as sweetness of love, is +from the Christ, and _very frequently_ given by Him. And some six +months after the heat, fire, electric seething, or however best it may +be named, I first knew the song of the soul. Now, although it is +better not to dwell upon the memory of past spiritual joys, lest we +become greedy, and equally wise not to dwell upon the memory of +anguishes, lest we fall into self-pity, which of all emotions is the +most sickly and useless (and our wisest is to live only from hour to +hour with all the sweetness that we can, leaving to Him the choosing +of our daily bread, whether it be high joy or pain), still I confess that +I have thought over and compared these joys sufficiently to know +very well which I love the best. Heat of love is very wonderful, and +sweetness is very lovely, and raptures and ecstasies are outside +words; but most beautiful of all is the song of the soul, and this is +when--in highest adoration--passing beyond heat, and further than +sweetness, the soul goes up alone upon the highest summit of love, +and there like a bird pours out the rapturous and golden passion of +her love. And His Spirit, biding very near, never touches her; for if +He touch, it is at once an ecstasy, and because of the stress of this +she would have neither words nor song with which to rejoice Him. + +Oh, the pure happiness of the soul in this wonderful song! + +Truly I think it is greater than in the rapture or the ecstasy, because +in these the soul receives, but in the song, mounting right up to Him, +she gives. And now at last we know the fuller meaning of Christ's +words where He says: "It is more blessed to give than to receive." + +Beloved, Thou takest the creature and liftest it up; Thou takest the +creature and liftest it high, so that nevermore can it offend Thee, and +the soul is free to sing of her love. Then is it Thy will that the +creature should love Thee? Or is it Thy will that the soul should +adore? Beloved, I know not whether with my heart and mind I most +adore Thee, or whether with my soul I love Thee more. And where +is that secret trysting-place of love? I do not know; for whilst I go +there and whilst I return I am blind, and whilst I am there I am +blinded by Love Himself. + +O wondrous trysting-place I which is indeed the only trysting-place +of all the world worthy to be named. + +For every other love on earth is but a poor, pale counterfeit of love--a +wan Ophelia, wandering with a garland of sad perished flowers to +crown the dust. + +* * * + +As the loving creature progresses he will find himself ceasing to live +in things, or thoughts of things or of persons, but his whole mind +and heart will be concentrated upon the thought of God alone. Now +Jesus, now the High Christ, now the Father, but never away from +one of the aspects or personalities of God, though his conditions of +nearness will vary. For at times he will be in a condition of great +nearness, at times in a condition of some farness, or, more properly +speaking, of obscurity. He will be in a condition of waiting (this +exceedingly frequent, the most frequent of all); a condition of +amazing happiness; a condition of pain, of desolation at being still +upon the earth instead of with God. He will be in a condition of +giving love to God, or a condition of receiving love, of +remembrance and attention. He will be in a condition of +immeasurable glamour, an extraordinary illumination of every +faculty, not by any act of his own, but poured through him until he is +filled with the elixir of some new form of life, and feels himself +before these experiences never to have lived--he but existed as a part +of Nature. But now, although he is become more united to Nature +than ever before, he also is mysteriously drawn apart from her, +without being in any way presumptuous, he feels to be above her, +not by any merits but by intention of Another. He is become lifted +up into the spirit and essence of Nature, and the heavy and more +obvious parts of her bind him no more. He is in a condition of +freedom, he is frequently in a condition of great splendour, and is +wrapped perpetually round about with that most glorious +mantle--God-consciousness. + +These are man's right and proper conditions. These are the lovely +will of God for us. And too many of us have the will to go contrary +to Him. Oh, the tragedy of it! If the whole world of men and women +could be gathered and lifted into this garden of love! Persuaded to +rise from lesser loves into the bosom of His mighty Love! + +For the truly loving soul here on earth there are no longer heavens, +nor conditions of heavens, nor grades, nor crowns, nor angels, nor +archangels, nor saints, nor holy spirits; but, going out and up and on, +we reach at last THE ONE, and for marvellous unspeakably glorious +moments KNOW HIM. + +This is life: to be in Him and He in us, _and know it._ + +* * * + +These beautiful flights of the soul cannot be taken through idleness, +though they are taken in what would outwardly appear to be a great +stillness. This stillness is but the necessary abstraction from physical +activity, even from physical consciousness; but inwardly the spirit is +in a great activity, a very ferment of secret work. This, to the writer, +is frequently produced by the beautiful in Nature, the spirit +involuntarily passing at sight of beauty into a passionate admiration +for the Maker of it. This high, pure emotion, which is also an +_intense activity_ of the spirit, would seem so to etherealise the +creature that instantly the delicate soul is able to escape her loosened +bonds and flies towards her home, filled with ineffable, +incomparable delight, praising, singing, and joying in her Lord and +God until the body can endure no more, and swiftly she must return +to bondage in it. But the most wonderful flights of the soul are made +during a high adoring contemplation of God. We are in high +contemplation when the heart, mind, and soul, having dropped +consciousness of all earthly matters, have been brought to a full +concentration upon God--God totally invisible, totally unimaged, +_and yet focussed to a centre-point by the great power of love._ The +soul, whilst she is able to maintain this most difficult height of +contemplation, may be visited by an intensely vivid perception, +inward vision, and knowledge of God's attributes or perfections, +very brief; and this _as a gift,_ for she is not able to will such a +felicity to herself, but being given such she is instantly consumed +with adoration, and _enters ecstasy._ + +Having achieved these degrees of progress, the heart and mind will +say: "Now I may surely repose, for I have attained!" And so we may +repose, but not in idleness, which is to say, not without abundance of +prayer. For only by prayer is our condition maintained and renewed; +but without prayer, by which I mean an incessant inward +communion, quickly our condition changes and wears away. No +matter to what degree of love we have attained, we need to pray for +more; without persistent but short prayer for faith and love we might +fall back into strange woeful periods of cold obscurity. + +To the accomplished lover great and wonderful is prayer; the more +completely the mind and heart are lifted up in it, the slower the +wording. The greater the prayer, the shorter in words, though the +longer the saying of it, for each syllable will needs be held up upon +the soul before God, slowly and, as it were, in a casket of fire, and +with marvellous joy. And there are prayers without words, and +others without even thoughts, in which the soul in a great stillness +passes up like an incense to the Most High. This is very pure, great +love; wonderful, high bliss. + +* * * + +In the earlier stages of progress, when the heart and mind suffer +from frequent inconstancy, loss of warmth, even total losses of love, +set the heart and mind to recall to themselves by reading or thinking +some favourite aspect of their Lord Jesus Christ. It may be His +gentleness, or His marvellous forgiveness, as to Peter when "He +turned and looked at him" after the denial; for so He turns and looks +upon ourselves. Or it may be His sweetness that most draws us. But +let us fasten the heart and mind upon whichever it may be, and in the +warmth of admiration _love will return to us._ + +* * * + +The mode of entrance into active contemplation I would try to +convey in this way. The body must be placed either sitting or +kneeling, and supported, or flat on the back as though dead. Now the +mind must commence to fold itself, closing forwards as an open rose +might close her petals to a bud again, for every thought and image +must be laid away and nothing left but a great forward-moving love +intention. Out glides the mind all smooth and swift, and plunges +deep, then takes an upward curve and up and on till willingly it +faints, the creature dies, and consciousness is taken over by the soul, +which, quickly coming to the trysting-place, _spreads herself_ and +there awaits the revelations of her God. To my feeling this final +complete passing over of consciousness from the mind to the soul is +by act and will of God only, and cannot be performed by will of the +creature, and is the fundamental difference between the +contemplation of Nature and the contemplation of God. The creature +worships, but the soul alone knows contact. And yet the mode of +contemplation is a far simpler thing than all these words--it is the +very essence of simplicity itself; and in this sublime adventure we +are really conscious of no mode nor plan nor flight, nought but the +mighty need of spirit to Spirit and love to Love. + +* * * + +The picking out and choosing of certain persons, and the naming of +them "elect" and "chosen" souls, when I first read of it, filled me +with such a sinking that I tried, when coming upon the words, not to +admit the meaning of them into myself; for that some should be +chosen and some not I felt to be favouritism, and could not +understand or see the justice of it. I never ask questions. He left me +in this condition for eighteen months. Then He led me to an +explanation sufficient for me. The way He showed it me was not by +comparisons with great things--angels and saints and holy persons; +but by that humble creature, man's friend, the dog, He showed me +the elect creature. It was this way. + +One evening as I passed through the city I had one of those sudden +strong impulses (by which He guides us) to go to a certain and +particular cinematograph exhibition. I was very tired, and tried to +put away the thought, but it pressed in the way that I know, and I +knew it better to go. I sat for an hour seeing things that had no +interest for me, and wondering why I should have had to come, +when at last a film was shown of war-dogs in training--dogs trained +especially to assist men and to carry their messages. + +These dogs were especially selected, not for their charm of outward +appearance, but for their inward capacities; _not for an especial love +of the dog_ (or favouritism), but for that which they were willing to +learn how to do. The qualifications for (s)election were willingness, +obedience, fidelity, endurance. Once chosen they were set apart. +Then commenced the training, and we were shown how man put his +will through the dog: he was able to do this _only because of the +willingness of the dog._ The purport of the training was to carry a +message for his master wherever his master willed. He must go +instantly and at full speed; he must leap any obstacle; he must turn +away from his own kind if they should entice him to linger on the +way; he must subdue all his natural desires and instincts entirely to +his master's desires; he must be indifferent to danger. And to secure +this he was fired over by numbers of men, difficulties were set for +him, and he was distracted from his straight course by a number of +tests. Yet we saw the brave and faithful creatures running on their +way at their fullest speed until, exhausted and breathless but filled +with joy of _love and willingness,_ they reached the journey's end, +to be caressed and cared for beyond other dogs until the next +occasion should arise. Then we were shown the dog in his +fully-trained condition. His master could now always rely upon him. A +dog always ready, always faithful and self-forgetful, was then set +apart into a still smaller and more (s)elect group and surrounded +with most especial care and love. Never would it want for anything. +In this there was justice. Forsaking all their natural ways, these dogs +had submitted themselves wholly, in loving willingness, to their +master's will, and he in return would lavish all his best on them. It +was but just. Oh, how my heart leaped over it! At last I understood--for +as the dog, so the human creature. We become chosen souls, +not for our own sakes (which had always seemed to me such +favouritism), but for our willingness to learn our Master's Will. And +what is His will and what is His work? Of many, many kinds, and +this is shown to the soul in her training. But the hardest to learn is +not that of the worker, but of the messenger and lover. As the +messenger, to take His messages, in whatever direction, instantly +and correctly, and to take back the answer from man to Himself--which +is to say, to hold before Him the needs of man on the fire of +the soul, known to most persons under the name of prayer. And as +the lover, to sing to Him with never-failing joyful love and thanks. + +But the learning and work of the soul is not so simple as that of the +dog, who carries the message in writing upon his collar. The soul +can have no written paper to assist her, and long and painful is her +training; and exquisitely sweet it is when, having swiftly and +accurately taken the message, she waits before Him for the rapture +of those caresses that she knows so well. + +How I was spurred! For I said, "Shall dogs outdo us in love and +devotion?" Only in a condition of total submission, self-forgetfulness, +self-abnegation, can the soul either receive or deliver her +message. In this way she is justified of the joys of her election. +The dog, faithful in all ways to his master, receives in return all +praise and all meats, whatever he desires. The faithful soul also +receives all praise and all meats, both spiritual and carnal, for +nothing of earthly needs will lack her _if she asks_; and without +asking, her needs are mysteriously and completely given her. Her +spiritual meats are, in this world, peace, joy, ecstasy, rapture; and of +the world to come it is written that eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, +neither have entered into the heart of man, the things that God has +prepared for them that love Him. + +It might be supposed that only persons filled with public charities +and social improvements, ardent and painstaking church workers, +might most surely and easily learn to be messengers. But all these +persons pursue and follow their own line of thought, the promptings +of their own minds and hearts. They are admirable workers, but not +messengers. For the hound of God must have in his heart no plan of +his own. It is hard for the heart to say, "I have no wishes of my own; +I have no interests, no plans, no ambitions, no schemes, no desires, +no loves, no will. Thy will is my will. Thy desire is my desire. Thy +love is my all. I am empty of all things, that I may be a channel for +the stream of Thy will." + +With what patience, what tenderness, what inexpressible +endearments He helps the soul, training her by love!--which is not to +say that she is trained without much suffering of the creature. So we +are trained by two opposite ways--by suffering and by joys; and the +whole under an attitude of passionate and devoted attention on our +part. The sufferings of the soul baffle all description with their +strange intensities. + +Our encouragements are great and extraordinary sweetnesses, +urgings, and joyful uplifting of the spirit. So that when we would +stop, we are pressed forward; when we are exhausted, we are filled +with the wine of sweetness; when we are in tears, we are embraced +into the Holy Spirit. + +* * * + +Sin and ill are the false notes struck by man across the harmony of +God's will, and to strike upon or even remember such notes is instant +banishment from the music of His presence. Where all is joy, there +joy is all_;_ and he who has not reached this joy does not know +God--he is still a follower, and not a possessor, and he should refuse +in his heart to remain satisfied with his condition, but climb on. Why +stay behind? Climb on, climb on! + +How often I have been mystified and disturbed by the attitude of +many religious and pious people, that to follow Christ is a way of +gloom, of sadness, of heaviness! How often have I gathered from +sermons that we are to give up all bright and enticing things if we +would follow Him, and the preacher _goes no further!_ Has the +Lord, then, no enticements, no sweetnesses, no brightness to offer us, +that we should be asked to forsake all pleasantnesses, all brightness, +all attractions if we follow Him? This to me always seemed terrible, +and my heart would sink. Indeed, to my poor mind and heart it +seemed nothing more hopeful than a going from bad to worse! + +All the pictures I have seen, either of the Crucifixion or the Way of +the Cross (and especially those of more recent times and painting), +portray His Blessed Face all worn with gloom; and I know now that +this is far from the truth. For perfect love knows agony, but no +gloom. He went through all His agony, lifted high above gloom, in a +great ecstasy of love for us. + +To speak of _sacrifice_ in connection with following Him is, to my +mind, the work of a very foolish person and one in danger of being +blasphemous. For how dare we say that it is a sacrifice when, by the +putting away of foolish desires, we find God! And to find God, +through the following of Jesus Christ, is to _gain so much_ (even in +this world, and without waiting for the next) that those who gain it +never cease to be amazed at the vastness of it. + +We find this to be an absolute truth, that if we have not Him we +have, and are, nothing, in comparison with that which we are and +that which we have when we have Him. + +In my earlier stages I was greatly set back and disturbed by this +gloom and sacrifice (which is no sacrifice) of myself so put forward +by pulpit teaching. It was a great hindrance to me and blinded me to +the truth. I was only a normal, ordinary creature, and they thrust a +great burden into my arms. + +Little by little, as I was able to learn directly from His own heart, I +came to know Him as He is; and I could not reconcile this +knowledge of Himself which He gave me, especially of His high +willingness and serenity, with pulpit teachings of heavy gloom. The +Church too frequently spoke to me of following Him in terms which +conveyed a burden: "Pick up thy cross, pick up thy cross!" they +cried; and He spoke to me in terms which conveyed a great joy: +"Come to Me, come to Me, for I love thee!" + +I thought I was very cowardly and sinned by this inability to like the +gloomy burden, and one day I came upon this out of Jeremiah: "As +for the prophet, or the priest, or the people, that shall say, The +burden of the Lord, I will punish that man and his house . . . because +ye say, The burden of the Lord, I will utterly forget you and forsake +you, and cast you out of My presence." + +These words of Jesus, "Take up thy cross and follow Me": whoever +will do it will be shown by Jesus that the cross of following Him is +no burden, but a deliverance, a finding of life, the way of escape, a +great joy, and a garland of love. + +The world thinks of joyousness as being laughter, cackling, and +much silly noise; and to such I do not speak. But the Christ's +joyousness is of a high, still, marvellous, and ineffable +completeness--beyond all words; and _wholly satisfying_ to heart +and soul and body and mind. + +It is written, "They shall love silver, and not be satisfied with it"--for +why? Only those are _satisfied_ who know the gold of Christ. + +All of which is not to say that by following Him we shall escape +from happenings and inconveniences and sorrows and illnesses +common to life; but that when these come we are raised out of our +distress into His ineffable peace. + +When the heart is sad, use this sadness in a comprehension of the +deeper pain of Jesus, who was in the self-same exile as we ourselves. +The more the soul is truly awakened and touched, the more she feels +herself to be in exile; and this is her cross. + +But the remedy for her sadness is that she should courageously pass +out of her woes of exile and go up to meet her lover with smiles. +Now, He cannot resist this smiling courage and love of the soul, and +very quickly He must send her His sweetness, and her sadness is +gone. + +* * * + +When I say that if we will take a few steps alone towards Christ--which +is to say, if we will make some strenuous efforts to cleanse +ourselves and change our minds and ways--He will take us all the +rest of the way, I speak from experience. For amongst many things +this happened to me: at a certain stage, after my third conversion on +the hill, He caused my former thoughts, desires, and follies to go +away from me! It was as though He had sent a veil between me and +such thoughts of my heart and mind as might not be pleasing to Him, +so that they disappeared from my knowledge and my actions! + +By this marvellous act He removed my difficulties, and put me into +a state of innocence which resembled the innocence I remember to +have had up to the age of four or five years. But I find this new +innocence far more wonderful than that of childhood, which is but +the innocence of ignorance. But this new innocence--which is a gift +of God--is innocence with knowledge. I am not able to express the +gratitude and amazement and wonder that have never ceased to fill +me about this. Such things can only be spoken of by the soul to her +lover, and then not in words but in a silence of tears. + +What did I ever do that He should show me such kindness? I did +nothing except this: I desired with all the force of my heart and soul +and mind and body to love Him. I said, "Oh, if I could be the +warmest, tenderest lover that ever thou didst have! Teach me to be +Thy burning lover." This was my perpetual prayer. And my idea of +Heaven was and is this, that without so much as knowing, or being +known or perceived by _any save Himself,_ without even a name, +yet retaining my full consciousness of individuality, I should be with +Him for always. + +What is this love for God, and how define it? For myself, I never +knew it until I was filled with it upon the hill. Many judge it to be _a +following_ of Christ and His wishes, but this is only a part of it and +the way we begin it, and often we begin from duty, fear of future +punishment, desire for salvation or spiritual pre-eminence, and +obedience; and in none of these is there the joy of love. + +By such standards I might count myself to have loved Him for +twenty years; but know I did not. For ten years past I felt myself to +have so great a need of Him, I sought Him so, that for me Heaven +contained no re-met former earthly loves, much as I loved them here. +I knew that He would be my all. Nevertheless, He was not yet my +Love, but my Need. + +Love is a fire, for we feel the great heat of it. + +Love is a light, for we perceive the white glare of it. + +Of things known, to what can we compare it? Most perhaps to +electricity, for here we have both light and heat, and the lightning +flash strikes that which already contains the most of itself (or +electricity). And the lightning of God's love strikes him whose heart +contains the most love for Himself. And He strikes when He will, +and afterwards visits when He will; and I do not count myself (for +all my earthly loves) to have so much as known the outer edge of the +meaning of the word love, till He struck me with His own upon that +hill. + +Truly, fair and holy love is our warranty, our only pass for entering +into Heaven. + +Brave and wilful, rapturous and insistent, love passes with bold yet +humble ecstasy into the very presence of her Lord and God; and +alone, out of all creation, is never denied the Right of Way. + +* * * + +I have seen it quoted, "Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, turn +within, turn without, everywhere thou shalt find the Cross." But I +see it so: "Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, turn within, turn +without, everywhere thou shalt find His Love." Love to help on the +way. Too much we might suppose, to hear pious people talk, that +because of Christ's way we must be miserable and our life an +endless Cross! And so life may be a cross, but He carries it for us. + +Do sinful men never suffer? Do the sinful escape disease? and live +for ever without biting the dust in death or disappointment? Why, +disease and suffering are the very twin-children of sin. I am amazed +that people can take such a view of the Cross as to think it an +unhappy, miserable way. For so marvellous is the beauty of such +love that there is no other so desirable a thing upon earth. + +"Come, walk the way with Me," says the Beloved; "I am all serenity, +all peace, all might, all power, all love. Come, walk with Me, and +forget thy tiny cares in the peace of My bosom." + +* * * + +We do not love God because we do not yet know Him. And we do +not know Him because we seek only to know and have our own +desires: and having learnt to know these, we would have our +unknown God accommodate Himself to us and them. + +But let us first seek to know God's desires by heart, and then +accommodate our own to His: so shall we learn to be pleasing to +Christ, that He may lead us, whilst here, into His Garden. For to the +creature that ardently pursues God there comes at last a time when +He reveals Himself to the searching soul, saying: "I Am Here. +Come!" Then in secrecy we arise,--and go to Him out of the House +of Vanity into the music of the great Beyond. + +There is small credit or virtue to the soul when, in a state of high +grace or nearness, she burns with love for her God: for she is under +the spell of the enticement of His Presence--how can she help but +burn! It is as though two earthly lovers, in full sight and nearness, +are filled each for each with great love, and are content. + +But this is a credit to the soul and the creature (as to the earthly +lovers), that in separation and farness they should seek no other, but +continue to dwell with great intentness upon the absent love. This is +fidelity. + +At times it is as if her Lord said to the soul: "I have other to do than +to stay by thee; and also thou hast had more than enough to thy +share of My honey"; and, so saying, He departs. + +And this is fidelity of the soul and the creature, and a great virtue, +that, without change of face, without complaint or petitioning, they +should with all sweetness continue to pour up to Him their unabated +love. If any can do this, he is a perfect lover and has no more to +learn. + +When the love of the soul, as it were, exceeds itself, it passes up and +beyond even the song of love; and being unable to express itself by +words or by song, or by deep sighings, or by any of those subtle, +silent, spiritual means known only between herself and God, when +all means fail because of the too great stress of her adoration, then +the soul passes into a great pain, which is the anguish of love and a +hard thing to bear. This excess is to the fullness of the Godhead. + +And now the soul must turn to prayer for help, but not to the +Godhead: for the more she turns to the Godhead the greater becomes +her anguish. But coming down to His humanity, she must beseech +sweet Jesus for His aid, and so regain her equilibrium. + +* * * + +Many of us are, perhaps unwittingly, impudent to God. In this way +we are impudent: We question (even though it be in secret, hidden in +the heart and not spoken) the justice of God, the ways of God, the +plans of God, the love of God: by which means we argue with God +and judge Him. And another manner of impudence we have is this, +that we dare to attribute or to blame Him for the results of man's +own filth, saying: "This and this is the will of God, for we see that it +exists, and His will is omnipotent." Oh, beware of this impudence, +drop it out of the heart and mind, and flee from it as from the plague! +"How then can these things be, if He is omnipotent?" we say. +Because of this, that in the trust of His great love He gave us the +royal and Godly gift of free-will, and our souls have proved +themselves unworthy to have it; and now the creature is brought +before the Beautiful, and the Holy, and the Pure, but turning away, +like the sow, prefers the mire and the festering sores proceeding +from such wallowings. If there were no choice, there were no virtue, +and no progress home. But let no man venture in his heart to +attribute to that Holy and Marvellous Being whom we speak of as +God, not knowing as yet His Name, any will towards festers and +corruptions, for what does He say Himself? "Their sins rise up +before Me and stink in My nostrils!" + +We surely forget that this world is not yet God's Kingdom, and that +His will is not done here, and will not be until the Judgment Day. +This world is but a tiny testing-chamber in His mighty workshop; +and great and wonderful is the care He has for the workers in it. + +O man! whence come thy wretchednesses? Look round and think. +Do they not all proceed from self and fellow-men, alive or dead? +Then why blame God? + +"Why am I here?" we cry, "to suffer all these pains, and my consent +not asked? A poor, sad puppet dancing to a tune I know not the +rhythm of. Where is my recompense? And where my wages? I will +take all I can of what is offered here, and give no thanks! It is but +my scant due for all my wretchednesses!" + +O foolish man! so timid of all future possibilities of bliss that he +must grasp and burn himself with such delights as he finds here! +And equally mistaken and small-minded man who thinks that all our +Mighty God will have to offer us hereafter are crowns, damp clouds +and mists, and endless hymns! Such little hearts are far away indeed +from knowing the _magnitudes of Life._ + +O wretched man! why this distrust? Hast thou created even thine +own palate and digestion? Hast thou invented any of those fond +delights that so enslave thee now? Hast thou thyself devised the +means wherewith to satisfy the longing of thy _creature_ for the +sweets of life? They were provided thee; all that thou hast created is +misuse! Thou art but a perverted thing!--a crooked tool of self, a fly +drowning in the honey that it sought too greedily to own! + +O wretched, wretched man! so cloyed with sweets of earth thou +canst not raise thy head to see the sunrise out beyond the world, and +know true sweets! How many are the tears wept over thee by the +great heart of God! + +* * * + +Since coming into this new way of living, the more I come into +contact with music the more I sense a mysterious connection +between melody--the soul--and her _origin._ Alone out of all the +sciences and arts, music has no foundation upon anything on earth. +There is no music in nature until the soul, come to a perfect +harmony within herself, brings out the hidden harmony in all +creation, and, turning it to melody within herself, returns it to her +Lord in song, whether by outward instrument or inward love. + +The soul, indeed, would seem to have come out of a life of infinite +melody and to have dropped into an existence of mere contrary and +vexing time-beat. + +Who can by any means account for the variety of passions excited +within him by the mere difference of the spacing, time, or rhythm of +music? In my new condition of living I notice that the soul throws +out with most disdainful impatience music that was formerly +beautiful to my mind and heart (or my creature); and certain types of +flowing cadences (very rarely to be found), sustained in high, +flowing, delicate, and soaring continuity will produce in her +conditions akin to a madness of joy. For one brief instant _she +remembers! but cannot utter what!_ + +Of visions I know nothing, but received all my experiences into my +soul as amazingly real inward perceptions. That these perceptions +are of unprecedented intensity, and more realistic than those which +are merely visual, can be understood by bodily comparisons; for to +_feel_ or to be one with fire is more than to _see_ it. + +To try to compare spiritual life with physical experiences would +seem to be useless; for, to my feeling, while we live in the spirit we +live at a great speed,--indeed, an incalculably great speed--and as a +whole and not in parts. For with physical living we live at one +moment by the eyes, at another with the mind, at another through +the heart, at another with the body. But the spirit feels to have no +parts, for all parts are of so perfect a concordance that in this +marvellous harmony all is one and one is all. And this with +_incredible intensity,_ so that we live not as now--dully--but at +white heat of sensibility. + +_Prayer_ + +Prayer is the golden wedding-ring between ourselves and God. For +myself, I divide it into two halves--the one petitioning, the other +offering. + +Of petitioning I would say that this is the _work_ of the soul; and of +offering, that it is the pleasure of the soul. + +Of petitioning, that I come to it under His command; and of offering, +that I come to it of my own high, passionate desire. + +I make upon my knees, three times a day, three short and formal +prayers of humble worship, as befits the creature worshipping its +Ineffable and Mighty God: and for the rest of my time I sing to Him +from my heart and soul, as befits the joyful lover, adoring and +conversing with the Ineffable and Exquisite Beloved. + +* * * + +This is the circle of His way with us. First is prayer; then love; and +after love, humility. With humility comes grace; and after grace, +temptation; and in temptation we must quickly enter prayer again. + +* * * + +O wonderful and ineffable God! who, while remaining hidden from +His lovers in this life, yet so ravishes their hearts and minds and +souls that they are unable to find truly sweet even the greatest of +life's former joys--for nothing can now ever satisfy them but the +secret and marvellous administrations of His love and grace! On one +day feeling to be forsaken, the most desolate and lonely of all +creatures in the Universe; and on another exalted to almost +unbearable pinnacles of bliss, equal to the angels in felicity, and +blest beyond all power of words to say--such and so are the lovers of +God. + +* * * + +The soul has six wings: love, obedience, humility, simplicity, +perseverance, and courage. With these she can attain God. + +We know very well that no man will find God either enclosed, held +fast, or demonstrated within a circle of dogmatic words; but every +man can find, in his own soul, an exquisite and incomparable +instrument of communication with God. To establish the working of +this communication is the whole object and meaning of life in this +world--this world of material, finite, and physical things, in which +the human body is at once a means and a debt. + +The key to progress is a continual dressing of the will and mind and +heart towards God, best brought about by continually filling the +heart and mind with beautiful, grateful, and loving thoughts of Him. +At all stages of progress the thoughts persistently fly away to other +things in the near and visible world, and we have need quietly and +perpetually to pick them up and re-centre them on Him. With the +mind turned in this way, steadily towards God, we are in that state +known to science as polarisation: we are in that condition in which +common iron becomes a magnet. It is so that God transforms us into +a diminutive part-likeness of Himself. + +When at last the soul reaches union with Him, she is for a while so +caressed, so held in a perpetual contact and nearness, that we may +think ourselves already permanently entered into Paradise! But this +is not the plan; and, our education being exceedingly incomplete, we +return to our schooling. + +We commence to experience profound and even terrible longings to +leave the world and all creatures, for we cannot bear either the sight +or the sound of them, and seek all day long to be alone with the +Beloved God. To conquer this last selfishness and weakness of the +soul, we must go again--as in the beginning--to Jesus. He teaches us +to go to and fro _willingly,_ gladly, from the highest to the lowest. +To pick up our daily life and duties, our obligations to a physical +world, in all humility, sweet reasonableness, and submission. He +teaches us to willingly accept incessant interruptions, and with +smiling face and perfect inward smoothness to descend from a +high contemplation of God (and only those who know high +contemplation can judge of the immensity of what I say) to listen +and _attend to_ some most trivial want of a fellow-creature! Reader, +it is the hardest thing of all. No sooner have we learnt the hard and +difficult way of ascent than we must willingly come down it, even +remain altogether in the valley below, and that with a smiling face +and, if possible, no thought of impatience! This is the true sacrifice +of the soul. Now, the sacrifices of the creature are the giving up of +the near and visible joys and prides of the world to follow Christ, +and are not real but seeming sacrifices, for, if done heartily and with +courage, an exchange between these joys and the joys of the +invisible is rapidly effected, and there remains no sacrifice, but "the +hidden treasure" is ours! But the sacrifice of the soul is real and long; +for having at last re-found God, she must resign her full joy of Him +till the death of the body--and this willingly, thankfully, without +complaint, not asking favours but pouring up her gratitude. In joy or +in pain, in happiness or in tribulation--gratitude! gratitude!--and this +not by her own strength but by strength of the Holy Ghost. + +* * * + +Because of this new way of living, the mind acquires a great +increase of capacity and strength and clearness: being able to deal +quickly and correctly with all matters brought before it with an ease +previously altogether unknown to its owner. It is no exaggeration to +say that the sagacity, scope, and grasp of the mind feels to be more +than doubled from that which it previously was, and this not because +of any study, but by an involuntary alteration. So that, though the +mind and attention are now given almost exclusively to the things of +God, yet when the things of the world have to be dealt with, this is +accomplished with extraordinary efficiency and quickness, though +very distasteful to the mind. + +* * * + +As the soul returns to her source nothing is more strongly +emphasised to her than the strength and intensity of individuality; +she is shown that the essence of all joy is Individuality in Union. + +In the marvellous condition of Contact, though we cease to be the +creature or the soul adoring the Creator (but by an incomprehensible +condescension we are accepted as one with Himself in love), yet we +retain our own consciousness, which is our individuality. + +In the highest rapture I ever was in, my soul passed into a fearful +extremity of experience: she was burned with so terrible an excess +of bliss, that she was in great fear and anguish because of this excess. +Indeed, she was so overcome by this too great realisation of the +strength of God that she was in terror of both God and joy. It was +three days before she recovered any peace, and more than a year +before I dared recall one instant of it to mind. + +I am not able to think that even in Heaven the soul could endure +such heights for more than a period. These heights are incomparably, +unutterably beyond vision and union. They are the uttermost +extremity of that which can be endured by the soul, at least until she +has re-risen to great altitudes of holiness in ages to come. + +By contact with God we acquire certain wonderful and terrible +realisations of truth and knowledge. For one thing, we learn the +nature and mode of spirit-life, as over against body- or sense-life. +We learn, at first with great fear, something of the awful intensities +of pain, as of joy, which can be endured by the spirit when free of +the body: for when we are in the spirit we do not _see_ fire, but we +feel to _become it_ and yet live! And so equally of pain or joy--we +do not feel these things delicately, as with, and in, the body, but we +pass into the essence of these things themselves, in all their terrible +and marvellous intensity, which is comparatively without limit. + +Woe to those who must gather the garland of pain--which is +remorse-after death! It is easier to suffer a whole lifetime in the +body than one day in the spirit. O soul! come to thy contrition here +in this world, where pain has short limit! Repent and return! + +* * * + +Of the marvellous favours shown to the soul the heart cries out: "O +mighty God! of the magnitude of Thy condescensions I am afraid +even to think; they are too great for me, and I dare to recall them, +but only with all the simplicity of a little child!" + +* * * + +Those who feel desire and need within themselves to reach the +heights of inward life will do it best, not through diversity of +interests in fellow-creatures, but by unification of all interests in +God. + +God once found, and possessed, we return to the interests of +creatures in moderation and with judgment. + +* * * + +What is pain? It is a mystery of separation, and we are gangrenous +with sin and pain because of separation from the source of life. + +Truth now comes to us in such small segments that we no longer see +the pattern of it; but this we are able to perceive: that the mystery of +Separation is equal in degree with the mystery of Union, and that the +child of separation is Pain. + +How did the soul ever become so separated from God? To my +feeling, in curiosity of loves we may find the answer, and know the +"fall" to be not that of the animal man but of the soul, which, once +living in perpetual beatitude--knowing nothing of pain because of +the unity with God, not understanding or being even grateful for her +bliss because of its invariable presence, and given free-will,--in +curiosity went out in search of newer and yet newer loves. And this +is the retribution of the soul for her unfaithful wanderings--that as +separation grows greater she commences to know pain, and, +becoming anxious therefrom to return to the source of her +remembered joys, she finds herself unable to accomplish this +because of the weight and grossness of the nature of the loves to +which she has hired herself, and from which _she is totally unable to +free herself,_ and yet which she must by some means overcome that +she may rise again to sanctity and return to God. + +Now comes the marvellous, the pitiful, the universal Christ to her +aid--the Mighty Lover; and we may see in the whole scheme of +Creation, as we know it here, from jelly-fish to man, a plan by +which the soul may bring her wanderings to a term in time +conditions instead of timeless sons. When all this earth is evolved +for her great need, at last by the mercy of God she is interned in the +body of finite man, and must clothe herself in the heart and mind of +the human and take upon herself the nature of this creature man, +made and fashioned to be a suitable instrument and habitation for +her. To counterbalance the grossness and ineptitude of the creature's +material body with its appetites, man is imbued with the knowledge +of right, and with a secret longing for a _happiness which is not that +of the beast._ + +The soul must raise the brute in him, with all its appetites, to +purity,--a mighty task, accomplished with much pain, yet in infinitely +shorter duration of pain than if left in disembodied spirit-life; and, +indeed, we may come to look upon pain in this world as one of our +best privileges because of its powers of purification within a time-limit, +and to know that by the mercy of the God of Love we may take our hell +of cleansing in this world rather than in those worlds of disembodied +spirits where progress is of infinite slowness--revolving and revolving +upon itself, as a sand-spiral in a blast-furnace, without hope of death. + +Oh, how convey any warning of this terrible knowledge, which is +not communicable by words! He said, "Though one return from the +dead, ye would not believe." But, O soul! repent and return while +still in the body! Lay hold on the Christ! + +In the life of this world, then, does our God of love and mercy give +us rapid means (by conquest of the animal grossness and corruptible +body, raising man to the ideal man, according to God's intention) to +reunite ourselves with Him. And the soul of all animal creation is +also thereby gradually raised with us into a universal adoration of +the One Almighty God. + +This is no fallen but a rising world, in which all Creation is slowly +and gloriously rising step by step. + +So may our soul repay her debt to God for her past infidelities. + +"Thy Maker is thine husband," says the voice of the prophet. + +And the creature, with its suffering heart and mind and body, has +also its incomparable reward of bliss: for because of its love and +obedience it is raised into the spiritual body, AND TOGETHER +WITH THE SOUL BECOMES THE CHILD OF THE RESURRECTION. + +------ + +[Transcriber's Notes: The name of the author, Lilian Staveley, is not +mentioned on the title page of this text, but I have added it here. I +have made one spelling change: "enough to blow-to" to "enough to +blow to".] + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Golden Fountain, by Lilian Staveley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN *** + +***** This file should be named 29449.txt or 29449.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/9/4/4/29449/ + +Produced by Ruth Hart + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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