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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/30487-0.txt b/30487-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..40e554e --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2149 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30487 *** + + CONFESSIONS + OF A + NEURASTHENIC + + BY + WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D. + + + With Original Illustrations + + + PHILADELPHIA + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + COPYRIGHT 1908, + BY + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY. + + + [Registered at Stationers' Hall, London, Eng.] + + + Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.: + Press of F. A. Davis Company, + 1916 Cherry Street. + + + + +AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. + + +The author's life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs. + +The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out. + +The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring _I_. + +WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS. + +Peoria, Illinois. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Neurasthenic during his Infancy 1 + + II. The Perversity of his Childhood 7 + + III. As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth 16 + + IV. His Pursuit of an Education 20 + + V. Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health 27 + + VI. New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health 35 + + VII. The Neurasthenic Falls in Love 42 + + VIII. Morbid Fears and Fancies 50 + + IX. Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis 55 + + X. Dieting for Health's Sake 63 + + XI. Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures 71 + + XII. Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health 77 + + XIII. Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New + Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion 84 + + XIV. The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences 90 + + XV. Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic + and Homeopathic Doctors 94 + + XVI. Takes a Course in a Medical College 101 + + XVII. Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads 108 + + XVIII. Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions 113 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + + Nursing the baby 9 + + I was weaker than I really looked to be 11 + + My bump of continuity was poorly developed 21 + + I read up in the almanacs 29 + + Looking for new symptoms 33 + + Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia 39 + + The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room 57 + + Good-night and good-bye 115 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY. + + +The neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book. + +In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one's own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one's picture in the rogues' gallery. + +So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. "Neurosis" and "neurotic" are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints. + +A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck, heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance. + +Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point. + +With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader's mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy--_in fancy_. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed. + +For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother--never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it "misery"). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend. + +Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and "baby's friends" galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and _vice versa_. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother's +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older. + +Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick--and perhaps even +if he is--he needs a great deal of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into "nerves," and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD. + + +When I became old enough to "take notice" of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought + + "Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy," + +had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was "old for my age," whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all! + + +[Illustration: Nursing the baby.] + + +As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease--a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +"What's the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?" On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it "tired me +to breathe so often." I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time. + +My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked to be. I gained the reputation of being a +_good boy_, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the "good boy" category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility. + + +[Illustration: I was weaker than I really looked to be.] + + +When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths. + +The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid "something was going to happen." +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort. + +My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself. + +Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker's repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman. + +In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy. + +As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH. + + +Time passed on--that's about all time does anyway--and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said "golly," "hully gee," or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. "What's the use?" seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle. + +Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can. + +Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody's dope, I always +thought: "That's just the way I feel." But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer's testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years. + +I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different. + +In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the "Crack-went-the-ranger's-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin" +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides' _History_ +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:-- + +"Pray, of what did your brother die?" said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. "He died, sir," was the answer, "of having nothing to do!" + +That, I thought, must have been an easy death. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION. + + +When I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure "moulded," I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn't know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for short periods +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung. + +It was my ambition--for a short time--to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +_bump of "continuity" was poorly developed_. + + +[Illustration: My bump of continuity was poorly developed.] + + +I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone's _Commentaries_. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: "Learn +English first, young man. I'll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can't pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +'y-c-l-e-p-t' spells and what it means." + +Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed "mental drill"; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass. + +Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture--the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can't even hope to live +up to have no place in life's calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp. + +Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:-- + +"You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a +neurosis." + +I thought to myself that if it was "only" a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business. + +I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact--whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of--bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH. + + +Indecision marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river. + +I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes--no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds. + +Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright's disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. _I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs--oh! what +authority!_--and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred years +and being dead, he preferred the latter. + + +[Illustration: I read up in the almanacs.] + + +There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the "invalid list," and when once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, "forever." The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more--say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being "catarrh," "neurasthenia," +"rheumatism," "incipient tuberculosis," "heart disease," "kidney and liver +affections," "chronic invalidism," and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late. + +One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was "indisposition +to work." I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +"singing in my ears," "distress after eating too much," +"self-consciousness," and "forebodings of impending danger." I always +experienced great fear lest one of these "forebodings" overtake me +unawares. + +These letters were always "personal," although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, "stock letters." They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was. + +While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease _idea_ rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice. + +As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the "strenuous +life"--a late term--than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept "humping" until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and "sifting" grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:-- + + "Satan finds some mischief still, + For idle hands to do." + + +[Illustration: Looking for new symptoms.] + + +The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, "do me good." I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he "didn't want no dood from the +city monkeyin' around in the way, nohow." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH. + + +The pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o'-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture--which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier. + +Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings. Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This scared me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger. + +Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time--perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing. + +About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals. + +Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had _psychasthenia +anorexia_. This was a new one on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing. + +This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified _masseur_ to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me--he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and _vice versa_--so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things. + +It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them. + + +[Illustration: Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.] + + +One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as "the tall, handsome bachelor." I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus--a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys--and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual "turn" +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. "Shure, thot's what they all +say!" was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:-- + +"If I'd knowed thot, I'd let the dom'd fool hang a week!" + +The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, _cheap_. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE. + + +In writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos. + +In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, "peculiar." As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy "forever and a day." She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there. + +When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love." While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily--I did everything temporarily--holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer's desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable--a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:-- + +"Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don't let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!" + +She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: "_What will you do?_" + +My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: "_Suppose we mildew?_" + +That was the proverbial "last straw" with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman. + +A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled _Ideals_ which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done. + +Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor--for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor's little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called _Nurses' Guide_. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:-- + +_Man Patient_--"Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?" + +_Fair Nurse_--"Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; _it's a part of the business_." + +Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth. + +Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for blondes. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women? + +But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES. + + +It should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an "undertaking," +therefore it must be a job--a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one's time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter--morbid fears. + +These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of "phobias." A man who is afraid of everything should not be dubbed +a low-down coward--he is simply afflicted with "pantaphobia." It doesn't +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more _éclat_. + +Another one of these fears is agoraphobia--the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground. + +There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears _ad nauseam_. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses. + +Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one's disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word "damn" often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known. + +Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The "madstones" in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog's bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears. + +Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a _bona fide_ disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can't find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don't care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can't get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines. + +There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS. + + +Morbid fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure. + +The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the "Gibson-girl" type. + +When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the _right_ side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. _On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room._ +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics. + + +[Illustration: The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.] + + +One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs--the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people's +pestiferous brats. I don't know that there is science about any of +this--no means of escape is all there is to it. + +Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians--dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life's economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don't know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease--just as we don't know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don't know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent. + +Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray's _Anatomy_ and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +"hard" water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it. + +I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow--a head full of common sense. I said:-- + +"Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?" + +"What done?" asked the doctor. + +"Because," I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +"I have appendicitis and I supposed----" + +"My friend," said this well-seasoned physician, "you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the _right_ side." + +My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me. + +The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:-- + +"You've been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis--on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that requires the surgeon's knife, but such are exceedingly rare." + +I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can't help +associating _appendicitis_ with _hospitalitis_. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +DIETING FOR HEALTH'S SAKE. + + +Next I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story. + +I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the "cut and try" +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else--usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure--always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season. + +I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion. + +For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself. + +One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:-- + + Per cent. water + Watermelon .98 + Cabbage .92 + Carrots .83 + Fish .81 + Cucumbers .97 + Beets .88 + Apples .80 + Meat .75 + + +That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up. + +When a new kind of food--a cereal product, it was supposed to be--appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them--I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: "Get the habit; eat our food," and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter. + +I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito's dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: "Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap." + +As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +"metabolism." I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +"test breakfast," for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a "test breakfast" from one of these +ultra-scientific men, you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite. + +A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: "Man, those things will kill you!" He told me to go back +to my former diet. + +So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:-- + +_Mother_--"Martha, what is Johnnie doing?" + +_Martha_--"I don't know, mum." + +_Mother_--"Well, find out what he is doing _and tell him to stop it this +very minute_." + +By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body's requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES. + + +Only casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption. + +I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues--just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string. + +By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation. + +The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to "back up" any scheme I might see fit to project. + +The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry. + +Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:-- + +"You have what is known to psychologists as 'creative imagination,' but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him." + +This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm--the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters. + +These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was "for a short +time." This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don't know how to obviate it. + +While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH. + + +As the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment's time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities. + +While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects--swimming, for example--yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening, +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn't much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the "stock letters," which the girls +always jokingly called the "lessons." + +One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers' quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The course was a success and many wrote for +"individual" instruction. + +Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business. + +As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough. + +But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of "the great white plague," +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +"lungers," depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain "consumption," while others had only "tuberculosis." Many had "lung +trouble," "catarrh," "bronchitis," and--"neurasthenia." + +The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the "B. L. B's."--"The Busted Lung Brigade." It seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart--and I a victim myself, I thought. + +I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can't eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer. + +In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out--in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of "green hills _far away_." Many went so far as the State of Maine. + +Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer--a stranger in a strange land--I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations are not to be +regarded as a case of "love's labor lost." + +I returned home "much improved in health." Don't think I've had a +tuberculous symptom since. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC. + + +Having now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one's life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my "crow feet"; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me! + +Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, "next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself." But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it. + +Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the "health and hygiene" rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine. + +But I could not refrain from doing something for my health's sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature's methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong "health waves" permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:-- + +"The joke is on you, old chap; you don't feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven't anybody +and haven't anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you +and--and--and I'm afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble." + +I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me. + +I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: "Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity." This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: "Forget your troubles and +go to sleep." When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did. + +This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES. + + +When I found that I couldn't possibly do nothing--I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used--I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: "A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself." I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments? + +I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had uttered a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: "Old boy, you don't know what +you've missed!" Another quotation rung in my ears was: "Be good and you'll +be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun!" So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices. + +One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can't imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can't do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say, don't begin. I have seen several women--or rather +females--who could beat me swearing all hollow. + +Next, I thought I'd try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes. + +No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in "maidenly" shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: "You don't know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don't associate it with common alcoholic stimulants." Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass _to keep from dropping off the earth_. + +Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations. + +Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC +DOCTORS. + + +By this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think--if he cares enough to think--that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish. + +I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics. + +The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +"anti." + +Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one's devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic? + +For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name! + +For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried. + +I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease _name_, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor's +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: "Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider crawling up the wall?" Another was: "Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?" + +At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy. + +The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways. + +I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the "rash act," as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed? + +To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:-- + +_Myself_--"Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?" + +_Myself_--"Every one--over a hundred--do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!" + +I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy. + +A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles. + +I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE. + + +Yes, I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art. + +Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did. + +For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the "stiff," as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening--we did this work at night--we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: _levator labii superioris alaquae nasi_. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he "didn't see no sense in +being so durned scientific." Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: "What +have you here?" My friend very promptly answered: "A pile of lean meat." +This student went by the not very euphonious name of "Lean Meat" from that +date. + +A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship. + +I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. _Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed._ I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened. + +At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman. + +"What in thunder's the matter with you, feller?" he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis. + +The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:-- + +"Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?" + +"Yes, sir;" was my response. + +"Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?" he asked. + +"I did," I had to admit. + +"And did you read up on the subject?" was further interrogated. + +"Y-yes," and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why. + +"I thought so," continued the doctor; "some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments." + +I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. "Misery loves +company," and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself. + +The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: "Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don't forget to +work. If you can't do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That's why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control." + +This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS. + + +Next I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial. + +I had never had any experience in "roughing it," but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else. + +Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick--a strong combination. I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don't care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization. + +On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other's jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes. + +But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be? + +Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: "I seen him when he done it." I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the _élite_ and the _bon ton_. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again. + +Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job. + +I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +"Made in Germany." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS. + + +Reader, you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up--an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half. + +At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect--more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +"earth, earthy." It is true, we think much about our health and those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, _that's our business_! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein "things are not what they seem." We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others' woes and are ever responsive to the +"touch of nature that makes the whole world kin." + +We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can't work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true! + +I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + +Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest +paragraph break. + +The following misprints have been corrected: + "does does" corrected to "does" (page 16) + "a short periods" corrected to "short periods" (page 20) + "scarced" corrected to "scared" (page 36) + "blonds" corrected to "blondes" (page 48) + "eclat" corrected to "éclat" (page 51) + "require's" corrected to "requires" (page 62) + "utered" corrected to "uttered" (page 91) + +Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies have +been retained. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30487 *** diff --git a/30487-8.txt b/30487-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b77714 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2545 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by William Taylor Marrs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confessions of a Neurasthenic + +Author: William Taylor Marrs + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [EBook #30487] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + CONFESSIONS + OF A + NEURASTHENIC + + BY + WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D. + + + With Original Illustrations + + + PHILADELPHIA + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + COPYRIGHT 1908, + BY + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY. + + + [Registered at Stationers' Hall, London, Eng.] + + + Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.: + Press of F. A. Davis Company, + 1916 Cherry Street. + + + + +AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. + + +The author's life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs. + +The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out. + +The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring _I_. + +WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS. + +Peoria, Illinois. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Neurasthenic during his Infancy 1 + + II. The Perversity of his Childhood 7 + + III. As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth 16 + + IV. His Pursuit of an Education 20 + + V. Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health 27 + + VI. New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health 35 + + VII. The Neurasthenic Falls in Love 42 + + VIII. Morbid Fears and Fancies 50 + + IX. Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis 55 + + X. Dieting for Health's Sake 63 + + XI. Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures 71 + + XII. Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health 77 + + XIII. Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New + Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion 84 + + XIV. The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences 90 + + XV. Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic + and Homeopathic Doctors 94 + + XVI. Takes a Course in a Medical College 101 + + XVII. Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads 108 + + XVIII. Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions 113 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + + Nursing the baby 9 + + I was weaker than I really looked to be 11 + + My bump of continuity was poorly developed 21 + + I read up in the almanacs 29 + + Looking for new symptoms 33 + + Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia 39 + + The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room 57 + + Good-night and good-bye 115 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY. + + +The neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book. + +In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one's own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one's picture in the rogues' gallery. + +So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. "Neurosis" and "neurotic" are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints. + +A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck, heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance. + +Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point. + +With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader's mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy--_in fancy_. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed. + +For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother--never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it "misery"). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend. + +Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and "baby's friends" galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and _vice versa_. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother's +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older. + +Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick--and perhaps even +if he is--he needs a great deal of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into "nerves," and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD. + + +When I became old enough to "take notice" of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought + + "Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy," + +had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was "old for my age," whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all! + + +[Illustration: Nursing the baby.] + + +As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease--a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +"What's the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?" On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it "tired me +to breathe so often." I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time. + +My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked to be. I gained the reputation of being a +_good boy_, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the "good boy" category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility. + + +[Illustration: I was weaker than I really looked to be.] + + +When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths. + +The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid "something was going to happen." +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort. + +My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself. + +Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker's repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman. + +In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy. + +As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH. + + +Time passed on--that's about all time does anyway--and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said "golly," "hully gee," or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. "What's the use?" seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle. + +Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can. + +Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody's dope, I always +thought: "That's just the way I feel." But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer's testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years. + +I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different. + +In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the "Crack-went-the-ranger's-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin" +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides' _History_ +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:-- + +"Pray, of what did your brother die?" said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. "He died, sir," was the answer, "of having nothing to do!" + +That, I thought, must have been an easy death. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION. + + +When I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure "moulded," I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn't know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for short periods +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung. + +It was my ambition--for a short time--to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +_bump of "continuity" was poorly developed_. + + +[Illustration: My bump of continuity was poorly developed.] + + +I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone's _Commentaries_. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: "Learn +English first, young man. I'll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can't pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +'y-c-l-e-p-t' spells and what it means." + +Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed "mental drill"; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass. + +Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture--the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can't even hope to live +up to have no place in life's calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp. + +Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:-- + +"You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a +neurosis." + +I thought to myself that if it was "only" a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business. + +I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact--whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of--bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH. + + +Indecision marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river. + +I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes--no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds. + +Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright's disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. _I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs--oh! what +authority!_--and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred years +and being dead, he preferred the latter. + + +[Illustration: I read up in the almanacs.] + + +There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the "invalid list," and when once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, "forever." The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more--say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being "catarrh," "neurasthenia," +"rheumatism," "incipient tuberculosis," "heart disease," "kidney and liver +affections," "chronic invalidism," and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late. + +One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was "indisposition +to work." I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +"singing in my ears," "distress after eating too much," +"self-consciousness," and "forebodings of impending danger." I always +experienced great fear lest one of these "forebodings" overtake me +unawares. + +These letters were always "personal," although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, "stock letters." They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was. + +While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease _idea_ rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice. + +As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the "strenuous +life"--a late term--than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept "humping" until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and "sifting" grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:-- + + "Satan finds some mischief still, + For idle hands to do." + + +[Illustration: Looking for new symptoms.] + + +The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, "do me good." I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he "didn't want no dood from the +city monkeyin' around in the way, nohow." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH. + + +The pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o'-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture--which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier. + +Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings. Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This scared me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger. + +Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time--perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing. + +About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals. + +Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had _psychasthenia +anorexia_. This was a new one on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing. + +This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified _masseur_ to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me--he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and _vice versa_--so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things. + +It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them. + + +[Illustration: Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.] + + +One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as "the tall, handsome bachelor." I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus--a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys--and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual "turn" +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. "Shure, thot's what they all +say!" was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:-- + +"If I'd knowed thot, I'd let the dom'd fool hang a week!" + +The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, _cheap_. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE. + + +In writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos. + +In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, "peculiar." As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy "forever and a day." She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there. + +When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love." While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily--I did everything temporarily--holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer's desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable--a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:-- + +"Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don't let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!" + +She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: "_What will you do?_" + +My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: "_Suppose we mildew?_" + +That was the proverbial "last straw" with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman. + +A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled _Ideals_ which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done. + +Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor--for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor's little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called _Nurses' Guide_. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:-- + +_Man Patient_--"Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?" + +_Fair Nurse_--"Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; _it's a part of the business_." + +Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth. + +Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for blondes. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women? + +But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES. + + +It should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an "undertaking," +therefore it must be a job--a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one's time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter--morbid fears. + +These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of "phobias." A man who is afraid of everything should not be dubbed +a low-down coward--he is simply afflicted with "pantaphobia." It doesn't +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more _éclat_. + +Another one of these fears is agoraphobia--the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground. + +There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears _ad nauseam_. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses. + +Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one's disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word "damn" often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known. + +Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The "madstones" in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog's bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears. + +Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a _bona fide_ disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can't find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don't care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can't get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines. + +There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS. + + +Morbid fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure. + +The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the "Gibson-girl" type. + +When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the _right_ side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. _On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room._ +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics. + + +[Illustration: The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.] + + +One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs--the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people's +pestiferous brats. I don't know that there is science about any of +this--no means of escape is all there is to it. + +Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians--dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life's economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don't know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease--just as we don't know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don't know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent. + +Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray's _Anatomy_ and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +"hard" water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it. + +I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow--a head full of common sense. I said:-- + +"Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?" + +"What done?" asked the doctor. + +"Because," I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +"I have appendicitis and I supposed----" + +"My friend," said this well-seasoned physician, "you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the _right_ side." + +My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me. + +The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:-- + +"You've been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis--on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that requires the surgeon's knife, but such are exceedingly rare." + +I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can't help +associating _appendicitis_ with _hospitalitis_. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +DIETING FOR HEALTH'S SAKE. + + +Next I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story. + +I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the "cut and try" +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else--usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure--always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season. + +I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion. + +For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself. + +One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:-- + + Per cent. water + Watermelon .98 + Cabbage .92 + Carrots .83 + Fish .81 + Cucumbers .97 + Beets .88 + Apples .80 + Meat .75 + + +That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up. + +When a new kind of food--a cereal product, it was supposed to be--appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them--I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: "Get the habit; eat our food," and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter. + +I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito's dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: "Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap." + +As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +"metabolism." I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +"test breakfast," for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a "test breakfast" from one of these +ultra-scientific men, you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite. + +A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: "Man, those things will kill you!" He told me to go back +to my former diet. + +So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:-- + +_Mother_--"Martha, what is Johnnie doing?" + +_Martha_--"I don't know, mum." + +_Mother_--"Well, find out what he is doing _and tell him to stop it this +very minute_." + +By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body's requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES. + + +Only casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption. + +I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues--just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string. + +By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation. + +The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to "back up" any scheme I might see fit to project. + +The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry. + +Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:-- + +"You have what is known to psychologists as 'creative imagination,' but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him." + +This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm--the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters. + +These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was "for a short +time." This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don't know how to obviate it. + +While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH. + + +As the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment's time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities. + +While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects--swimming, for example--yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening, +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn't much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the "stock letters," which the girls +always jokingly called the "lessons." + +One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers' quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The course was a success and many wrote for +"individual" instruction. + +Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business. + +As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough. + +But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of "the great white plague," +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +"lungers," depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain "consumption," while others had only "tuberculosis." Many had "lung +trouble," "catarrh," "bronchitis," and--"neurasthenia." + +The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the "B. L. B's."--"The Busted Lung Brigade." It seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart--and I a victim myself, I thought. + +I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can't eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer. + +In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out--in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of "green hills _far away_." Many went so far as the State of Maine. + +Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer--a stranger in a strange land--I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations are not to be +regarded as a case of "love's labor lost." + +I returned home "much improved in health." Don't think I've had a +tuberculous symptom since. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC. + + +Having now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one's life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my "crow feet"; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me! + +Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, "next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself." But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it. + +Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the "health and hygiene" rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine. + +But I could not refrain from doing something for my health's sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature's methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong "health waves" permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:-- + +"The joke is on you, old chap; you don't feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven't anybody +and haven't anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you +and--and--and I'm afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble." + +I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me. + +I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: "Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity." This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: "Forget your troubles and +go to sleep." When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did. + +This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES. + + +When I found that I couldn't possibly do nothing--I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used--I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: "A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself." I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments? + +I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had uttered a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: "Old boy, you don't know what +you've missed!" Another quotation rung in my ears was: "Be good and you'll +be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun!" So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices. + +One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can't imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can't do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say, don't begin. I have seen several women--or rather +females--who could beat me swearing all hollow. + +Next, I thought I'd try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes. + +No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in "maidenly" shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: "You don't know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don't associate it with common alcoholic stimulants." Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass _to keep from dropping off the earth_. + +Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations. + +Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC +DOCTORS. + + +By this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think--if he cares enough to think--that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish. + +I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics. + +The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +"anti." + +Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one's devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic? + +For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name! + +For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried. + +I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease _name_, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor's +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: "Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider crawling up the wall?" Another was: "Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?" + +At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy. + +The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways. + +I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the "rash act," as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed? + +To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:-- + +_Myself_--"Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?" + +_Myself_--"Every one--over a hundred--do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!" + +I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy. + +A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles. + +I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE. + + +Yes, I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art. + +Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did. + +For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the "stiff," as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening--we did this work at night--we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: _levator labii superioris alaquae nasi_. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he "didn't see no sense in +being so durned scientific." Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: "What +have you here?" My friend very promptly answered: "A pile of lean meat." +This student went by the not very euphonious name of "Lean Meat" from that +date. + +A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship. + +I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. _Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed._ I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened. + +At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman. + +"What in thunder's the matter with you, feller?" he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis. + +The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:-- + +"Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?" + +"Yes, sir;" was my response. + +"Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?" he asked. + +"I did," I had to admit. + +"And did you read up on the subject?" was further interrogated. + +"Y-yes," and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why. + +"I thought so," continued the doctor; "some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments." + +I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. "Misery loves +company," and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself. + +The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: "Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don't forget to +work. If you can't do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That's why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control." + +This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS. + + +Next I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial. + +I had never had any experience in "roughing it," but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else. + +Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick--a strong combination. I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don't care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization. + +On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other's jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes. + +But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be? + +Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: "I seen him when he done it." I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the _élite_ and the _bon ton_. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again. + +Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job. + +I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +"Made in Germany." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS. + + +Reader, you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up--an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half. + +At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect--more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +"earth, earthy." It is true, we think much about our health and those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, _that's our business_! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein "things are not what they seem." We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others' woes and are ever responsive to the +"touch of nature that makes the whole world kin." + +We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can't work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true! + +I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + +Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest +paragraph break. + +The following misprints have been corrected: + "does does" corrected to "does" (page 16) + "a short periods" corrected to "short periods" (page 20) + "scarced" corrected to "scared" (page 36) + "blonds" corrected to "blondes" (page 48) + "eclat" corrected to "éclat" (page 51) + "require's" corrected to "requires" (page 62) + "utered" corrected to "uttered" (page 91) + +Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies have +been retained. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + +***** This file should be named 30487-8.txt or 30487-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30487/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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A. DAVIS COMPANY</h4> +<h5>PUBLISHERS</h5> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<h4>COPYRIGHT 1908,<br /> +BY<br /> +F. A. DAVIS COMPANY.<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +[Registered at Stationers’ Hall, London, Eng.]<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.:<br /> +Press of F. A. Davis Company,<br /> +1916 Cherry Street.</h4> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> +<h2>AUTHOR’S APOLOGY.</h2> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> author’s life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs.</p> + +<p>The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out.</p> + +<p>The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring <i>I</i>.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">William Taylor Marrs.</span></p> +<p>Peoria, Illinois.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p> +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Chapter</span></td><td> </td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">I.</td><td>The Neurasthenic during his Infancy</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">II.</td><td>The Perversity of his Childhood</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_7">7</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">III.</td><td>As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_16">16</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IV.</td><td>His Pursuit of an Education</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">V.</td><td>Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VI.</td><td>New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VII.</td><td>The Neurasthenic Falls in Love</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VIII.</td><td>Morbid Fears and Fancies</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IX.</td><td>Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">X.</td><td>Dieting for Health’s Sake</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>XI.</td><td>Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XII.</td><td>Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIII.</td><td>Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIV.</td><td>The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_90">90</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XV.</td><td>Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic and Homeopathic Doctors</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVI.</td><td>Takes a Course in a Medical College</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_101">101</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVII.</td><td>Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_108">108</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVIII.</td><td>Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td></tr></table> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="Illustrations"> +<tr><td> </td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td></tr> +<tr><td>Nursing the baby</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>I was weaker than I really looked to be</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_12">11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>My bump of continuity was poorly developed</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>I read up in the almanacs</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_29">29</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Looking for new symptoms</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_58">57</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Good-night and good-bye</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_115">115</a></td></tr></table> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER I.</h2> + +<h3>THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book.</p> + +<p>In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one’s own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one’s picture in the rogues’ gallery.</p> + +<p>So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. “Neurosis” and “neurotic” are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints.</p> + +<p>A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance.</p> + +<p>Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point.</p> + +<p>With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader’s mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy—<i>in fancy</i>. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed.</p> + +<p>For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother—never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it “misery”). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend.</p> + +<p>Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and “baby’s friends” galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and <i>vice versa</i>. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother’s +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older.</p> + +<p>Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick—and perhaps even +if he is—he needs a great deal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into “nerves,” and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER II.</h2> + +<h3>THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I became old enough to “take notice” of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought</p> + +<p class="poem">“Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy,”</p> + +<p>had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was “old for my age,” whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all!</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig009.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Nursing the baby.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease—a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +“What’s the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?” On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it “tired me +to breathe so often.” I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time.</p> + +<p>My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> to be. I gained the reputation of being a +<i>good boy</i>, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the “good boy” category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig011.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">I was weaker than I really looked to be.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths.</p> + +<p>The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid “something was going to happen.” +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself.</p> + +<p>Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker’s repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman.</p> + +<p>In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy.</p> + +<p>As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER III.</h2> + +<h3>AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Time</span> passed on—that’s about +all time <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'does does'">does</ins> anyway—and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said “golly,” “hully gee,” or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. “What’s the use?” seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle.</p> + +<p>Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can.</p> + +<p>Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody’s dope, I always +thought: “That’s just the way I feel.” But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer’s testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years.</p> + +<p>I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different.</p> + +<p>In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the “Crack-went-the-ranger’s-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin” +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides’ <i>History</i> +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:—</p> + +<p>“Pray, of what did your brother die?” said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. “He died, sir,” was the answer, “of having nothing to do!”</p> + +<p>That, I thought, must have been an easy death.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV.</h2> + +<h3>HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure “moulded,” I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn’t know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'a short periods'">short periods</ins> +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung.</p> + +<p>It was my ambition—for a short time—to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +<i>bump of “continuity” was poorly developed</i>.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig021.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">My bump of continuity was poorly developed.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone’s <i>Commentaries</i>. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: “Learn +English first, young man. I’ll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can’t pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +‘y-c-l-e-p-t’ spells and what it means.”</p> + +<p>Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed “mental drill”; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass.</p> + +<p>Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture—the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can’t even hope to live +up to have no place in life’s calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp.</p> + +<p>Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:—</p> + +<p>“You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a neurosis.”</p> + +<p>I thought to myself that if it was “only” a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business.</p> + +<p>I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact—whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of—bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER V.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Indecision</span> marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river.</p> + +<p>I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes—no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright’s disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. <i>I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs—oh! what +authority!</i>—and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> years +and being dead, he preferred the latter.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig029.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">I read up in the almanacs.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the “invalid list,” and when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, “forever.” The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more—say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being “catarrh,” “neurasthenia,” +“rheumatism,” “incipient tuberculosis,” “heart disease,” “kidney and liver +affections,” “chronic invalidism,” and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late.</p> + +<p>One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was “indisposition +to work.” I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +“singing in my ears,” “distress after eating too much,” +“self-consciousness,” and “forebodings of impending danger.” I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> always +experienced great fear lest one of these “forebodings” overtake me +unawares.</p> + +<p>These letters were always “personal,” although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, “stock letters.” They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was.</p> + +<p>While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease <i>idea</i> rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice.</p> + +<p>As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the “strenuous +life”—a late term—than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept “humping” until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and “sifting” grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:—</p> + +<p class="poem">“Satan finds some mischief still,<br />For idle hands to do.”</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig033.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Looking for new symptoms.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, “do me good.” I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he “didn’t want no dood from the +city monkeyin’ around in the way, nohow.”</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI.</h2> + +<h3>NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o’-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture—which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier.</p> + +<p>Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'scarced'">scared</ins> me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger.</p> + +<p>Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time—perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals.</p> + +<p>Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had <i>psychasthenia +anorexia</i>. This was a new one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing.</p> + +<p>This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified <i>masseur</i> to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me—he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and <i>vice versa</i>—so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things.</p> + +<p>It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig039.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as “the tall, handsome bachelor.” I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus—a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys—and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual “turn” +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. “Shure, thot’s what they all +say!” was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:—</p> + +<p>“If I’d knowed thot, I’d let the dom’d fool hang a week!”</p> + +<p>The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, <i>cheap</i>.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII.</h2> + +<h3>THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">In</span> writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos.</p> + +<p>In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, “peculiar.” As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy “forever and a day.” She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there.</p> + +<p>When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, “a young man’s fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love.” While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily—I did everything temporarily—holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer’s desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable—a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:—</p> + +<p>“Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don’t let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: “<i>What will you do?</i>”</p> + +<p>My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: “<i>Suppose we mildew?</i>”</p> + +<p>That was the proverbial “last straw” with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman.</p> + +<p>A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled <i>Ideals</i> which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done.</p> + +<p>Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor—for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor’s little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called <i>Nurses’ Guide</i>. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span><i>Man Patient</i>—“Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?”</p> + +<p><i>Fair Nurse</i>—“Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; <i>it’s a part of the business</i>.”</p> + +<p>Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth.</p> + +<p>Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'blonds'">blondes</ins>. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women?</p> + +<p>But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly!</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII.</h2> + +<h3>MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">It</span> should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an “undertaking,” +therefore it must be a job—a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one’s time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter—morbid fears.</p> + +<p>These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of “phobias.” A man who is afraid of everything should not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> be dubbed +a low-down coward—he is simply afflicted with “pantaphobia.” It doesn’t +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more <i><ins class="correction" title="original reads 'eclat'">éclat</ins></i>.</p> + +<p>Another one of these fears is agoraphobia—the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground.</p> + +<p>There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears <i>ad nauseam</i>. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses.</p> + +<p>Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one’s disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word “damn” often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The “madstones” in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog’s bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears.</p> + +<p>Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> <i>bona fide</i> disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can’t find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don’t care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can’t get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines.</p> + +<p>There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX.</h2> + +<h3>GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Morbid</span> fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure.</p> + +<p>The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the “Gibson-girl” type.</p> + +<p>When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the <i>right</i> side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. <i>On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room.</i> +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig057.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs—the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people’s +pestiferous brats. I don’t know that there is science about any of +this—no means of escape is all there is to it.</p> + +<p>Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians—dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life’s economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don’t know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease—just as we don’t know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don’t know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray’s <i>Anatomy</i> and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +“hard” water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it.</p> + +<p>I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow—a head full of common sense. I said:—</p> + +<p>“Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?”</p> + +<p>“What done?” asked the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Because,” I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +“I have appendicitis and I supposed——”</p> + +<p>“My friend,” said this well-seasoned physician, “you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the <i>right</i> side.”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me.</p> + +<p>The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:—</p> + +<p>“You’ve been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis—on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'require's'">requires</ins> the surgeon’s knife, but such are exceedingly rare.”</p> + +<p>I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can’t help +associating <i>appendicitis</i> with <i>hospitalitis</i>.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER X.</h2> + +<h3>DIETING FOR HEALTH’S SAKE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Next</span> I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story.</p> + +<p>I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the “cut and try” +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else—usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure—always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season.</p> + +<p>I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion.</p> + +<p>For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself.</p> + +<p>One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:—</p> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="water"> +<tr><td> </td><td align="center">Per cent. water</td></tr> +<tr><td>Watermelon</td><td align="center">.98</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cabbage</td><td align="center">.92</td></tr> +<tr><td>Carrots</td><td align="center">.83</td></tr> +<tr><td>Fish</td><td align="center">.81</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cucumbers</td><td align="center">.97</td></tr> +<tr><td>Beets</td><td align="center">.88</td></tr> +<tr><td>Apples</td><td align="center">.80</td></tr> +<tr><td>Meat</td><td align="center">.75</td></tr></table> + + +<p>That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up.</p> + +<p>When a new kind of food—a cereal product, it was supposed to be—appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them—I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: “Get the habit; eat our food,” and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter.</p> + +<p>I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito’s dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: “Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap.”</p> + +<p>As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +“metabolism.” I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +“test breakfast,” for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a “test breakfast” from one of these +ultra-scientific men,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite.</p> + +<p>A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: “Man, those things will kill you!” He told me to go back +to my former diet.</p> + +<p>So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:—</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i>—“Martha, what is Johnnie doing?”</p> + +<p><i>Martha</i>—“I don’t know, mum.”</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i>—“Well, find out what he is doing <i>and tell him to stop it this +very minute</i>.”</p> + +<p>By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body’s requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI.</h2> + +<h3>TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Only</span> casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption.</p> + +<p>I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues—just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string.</p> + +<p>By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation.</p> + +<p>The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to “back up” any scheme I might see fit to project.</p> + +<p>The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry.</p> + +<p>Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:—</p> + +<p>“You have what is known to psychologists as ‘creative imagination,’ but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him.”</p> + +<p>This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm—the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters.</p> + +<p>These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was “for a short +time.” This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don’t know how to obviate it.</p> + +<p>While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">As</span> the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment’s time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities.</p> + +<p>While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects—swimming, for example—yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn’t much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the “stock letters,” which the girls +always jokingly called the “lessons.”</p> + +<p>One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers’ quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> course was a success and many wrote for +“individual” instruction.</p> + +<p>Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business.</p> + +<p>As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough.</p> + +<p>But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of “the great white plague,” +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +“lungers,” depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain “consumption,” while others had only “tuberculosis.” Many had “lung +trouble,” “catarrh,” “bronchitis,” and—“neurasthenia.”</p> + +<p>The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the “B. L. B’s.”—“The Busted Lung Brigade.” It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart—and I a victim myself, I thought.</p> + +<p>I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can’t eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out—in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of “green hills <i>far away</i>.” Many went so far as the State of Maine.</p> + +<p>Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer—a stranger in a strange land—I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> are not to be +regarded as a case of “love’s labor lost.”</p> + +<p>I returned home “much improved in health.” Don’t think I’ve had a +tuberculous symptom since.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC.</h3> + + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Having</span> now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.” I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one’s life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my “crow feet”; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me!</p> + +<p>Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, “next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself.” But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it.</p> + +<p>Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the “health and hygiene” rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine.</p> + +<p>But I could not refrain from doing something for my health’s sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature’s methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong “health waves” permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:—</p> + +<p>“The joke is on you, old chap; you don’t feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven’t anybody +and haven’t anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +and—and—and I’m afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble.”</p> + +<p>I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me.</p> + +<p>I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: “Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity.” This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: “Forget your troubles and +go to sleep.” When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did.</p> + +<p>This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV.</h2> + +<h3>THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I found that I couldn’t possibly do nothing—I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used—I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: “A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself.” I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments?</p> + +<p>I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'utered'">uttered</ins> a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: “Old boy, you don’t know what +you’ve missed!” Another quotation rung in my ears was: “Be good and you’ll +be happy, but you’ll miss a lot of fun!” So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices.</p> + +<p>One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can’t imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can’t do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> don’t begin. I have seen several women—or rather +females—who could beat me swearing all hollow.</p> + +<p>Next, I thought I’d try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes.</p> + +<p>No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in “maidenly” shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: “You don’t know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don’t<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> associate it with common alcoholic stimulants.” Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass <i>to keep from dropping off the earth</i>.</p> + +<p>Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations.</p> + +<p>Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV.</h2> + +<h3>CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC DOCTORS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">By</span> this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think—if he cares enough to think—that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish.</p> + +<p>I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics.</p> + +<p>The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to + +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +“anti.”</p> + +<p>Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one’s devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic?</p> + +<p>For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name!</p> + +<p>For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried.</p> + +<p>I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease <i>name</i>, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor’s +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: “Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> crawling up the wall?” Another was: “Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?”</p> + +<p>At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy.</p> + +<p>The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways.</p> + +<p>I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the “rash act,” as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed?</p> + +<p>To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:—</p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>—“Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor.”</p> + +<p><i>Doctor</i>—“Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?”</p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>—“Every one—over a hundred—do hurry, doctor.”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span><i>Doctor</i>—“No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!”</p> + +<p>I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy.</p> + +<p>A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles.</p> + +<p>I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> + +<h3>TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Yes,</span> I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art.</p> + +<p>Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did.</p> + +<p>For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the “stiff,” as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening—we did this work at night—we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: <i>levator labii superioris</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> <i>alaquae nasi</i>. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he “didn’t see no sense in +being so durned scientific.” Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: “What +have you here?” My friend very promptly answered: “A pile of lean meat.” +This student went by the not very euphonious name of “Lean Meat” from that +date.</p> + +<p>A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship.</p> + +<p>I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. <i>Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed.</i> I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened.</p> + +<p>At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman.</p> + +<p>“What in thunder’s the matter with you, feller?” he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis.</p> + +<p>The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:—</p> + +<p>“Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir;” was my response.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>“Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?” he asked.</p> + +<p>“I did,” I had to admit.</p> + +<p>“And did you read up on the subject?” was further interrogated.</p> + +<p>“Y-yes,” and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why.</p> + +<p>“I thought so,” continued the doctor; “some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments.”</p> + +<p>I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. “Misery loves +company,” and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: “Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don’t forget to +work. If you can’t do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That’s why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control.”</p> + +<p>This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII.</h2> + +<h3>TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Next</span> I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial.</p> + +<p>I had never had any experience in “roughing it,” but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else.</p> + +<p>Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick—a strong combination.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don’t care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization.</p> + +<p>On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other’s jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes.</p> + +<p>But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be?</p> + +<p>Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: “I seen him when he done it.” I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the <i>élite</i> and the <i>bon ton</i>. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again.</p> + +<p>Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job.</p> + +<p>I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +“Made in Germany.”</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII.</h2> + +<h3>GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Reader,</span> you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up—an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half.</p> + +<p>At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect—more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +“earth, earthy.” It is true, we think much about our health and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, <i>that’s our business</i>! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein “things are not what they seem.” We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others’ woes and are ever responsive to the +“touch of nature that makes the whole world kin.”</p> + +<p>We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can’t work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true!</p> + +<p>I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed.</p> + +<p> </p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p><p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig115.jpg" alt="" /></div> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><b>Transcriber’s Notes:</b></p> + +<p>Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest paragraph break.</p> + +<p>Other than the corrections noted by hover information in the text, printer’s inconsistencies have been retained.</p> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30487 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/30487-h/images/emblem.jpg b/30487-h/images/emblem.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1866686 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/emblem.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig009.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig009.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0dfdea --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig009.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig011.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig011.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7168a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig011.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig021.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig021.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..db99beb --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig021.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig029.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig029.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df1b2cd --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig029.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig033.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig033.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c174b45 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig033.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig039.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig039.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47f5b89 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig039.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig057.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig057.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6352198 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig057.jpg diff --git a/30487-h/images/fig115.jpg b/30487-h/images/fig115.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2aee4b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487-h/images/fig115.jpg diff --git a/30487.txt b/30487.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a31513 --- /dev/null +++ b/30487.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2545 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by William Taylor Marrs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confessions of a Neurasthenic + +Author: William Taylor Marrs + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [EBook #30487] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + CONFESSIONS + OF A + NEURASTHENIC + + BY + WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D. + + + With Original Illustrations + + + PHILADELPHIA + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + COPYRIGHT 1908, + BY + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY. + + + [Registered at Stationers' Hall, London, Eng.] + + + Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.: + Press of F. A. Davis Company, + 1916 Cherry Street. + + + + +AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. + + +The author's life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs. + +The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out. + +The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring _I_. + +WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS. + +Peoria, Illinois. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Neurasthenic during his Infancy 1 + + II. The Perversity of his Childhood 7 + + III. As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth 16 + + IV. His Pursuit of an Education 20 + + V. Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health 27 + + VI. New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health 35 + + VII. The Neurasthenic Falls in Love 42 + + VIII. Morbid Fears and Fancies 50 + + IX. Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis 55 + + X. Dieting for Health's Sake 63 + + XI. Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures 71 + + XII. Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health 77 + + XIII. Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New + Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion 84 + + XIV. The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences 90 + + XV. Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic + and Homeopathic Doctors 94 + + XVI. Takes a Course in a Medical College 101 + + XVII. Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads 108 + + XVIII. Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions 113 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + + Nursing the baby 9 + + I was weaker than I really looked to be 11 + + My bump of continuity was poorly developed 21 + + I read up in the almanacs 29 + + Looking for new symptoms 33 + + Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia 39 + + The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room 57 + + Good-night and good-bye 115 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY. + + +The neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book. + +In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one's own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one's picture in the rogues' gallery. + +So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. "Neurosis" and "neurotic" are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints. + +A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck, heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance. + +Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point. + +With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader's mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy--_in fancy_. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed. + +For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother--never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it "misery"). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend. + +Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and "baby's friends" galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and _vice versa_. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother's +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older. + +Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick--and perhaps even +if he is--he needs a great deal of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into "nerves," and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD. + + +When I became old enough to "take notice" of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought + + "Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy," + +had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was "old for my age," whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all! + + +[Illustration: Nursing the baby.] + + +As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease--a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +"What's the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?" On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it "tired me +to breathe so often." I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time. + +My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked to be. I gained the reputation of being a +_good boy_, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the "good boy" category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility. + + +[Illustration: I was weaker than I really looked to be.] + + +When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths. + +The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid "something was going to happen." +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort. + +My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself. + +Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker's repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman. + +In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy. + +As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH. + + +Time passed on--that's about all time does anyway--and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said "golly," "hully gee," or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. "What's the use?" seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle. + +Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can. + +Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody's dope, I always +thought: "That's just the way I feel." But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer's testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years. + +I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different. + +In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the "Crack-went-the-ranger's-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin" +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides' _History_ +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:-- + +"Pray, of what did your brother die?" said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. "He died, sir," was the answer, "of having nothing to do!" + +That, I thought, must have been an easy death. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION. + + +When I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure "moulded," I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn't know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for short periods +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung. + +It was my ambition--for a short time--to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +_bump of "continuity" was poorly developed_. + + +[Illustration: My bump of continuity was poorly developed.] + + +I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone's _Commentaries_. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: "Learn +English first, young man. I'll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can't pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +'y-c-l-e-p-t' spells and what it means." + +Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed "mental drill"; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass. + +Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture--the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can't even hope to live +up to have no place in life's calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp. + +Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:-- + +"You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a +neurosis." + +I thought to myself that if it was "only" a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business. + +I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact--whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of--bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH. + + +Indecision marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river. + +I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes--no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds. + +Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright's disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. _I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs--oh! what +authority!_--and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred years +and being dead, he preferred the latter. + + +[Illustration: I read up in the almanacs.] + + +There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the "invalid list," and when once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, "forever." The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more--say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being "catarrh," "neurasthenia," +"rheumatism," "incipient tuberculosis," "heart disease," "kidney and liver +affections," "chronic invalidism," and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late. + +One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was "indisposition +to work." I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +"singing in my ears," "distress after eating too much," +"self-consciousness," and "forebodings of impending danger." I always +experienced great fear lest one of these "forebodings" overtake me +unawares. + +These letters were always "personal," although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, "stock letters." They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was. + +While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease _idea_ rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice. + +As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the "strenuous +life"--a late term--than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept "humping" until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and "sifting" grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:-- + + "Satan finds some mischief still, + For idle hands to do." + + +[Illustration: Looking for new symptoms.] + + +The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, "do me good." I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he "didn't want no dood from the +city monkeyin' around in the way, nohow." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH. + + +The pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o'-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture--which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier. + +Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings. Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This scared me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger. + +Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time--perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing. + +About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals. + +Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had _psychasthenia +anorexia_. This was a new one on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing. + +This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified _masseur_ to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me--he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and _vice versa_--so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things. + +It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them. + + +[Illustration: Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.] + + +One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as "the tall, handsome bachelor." I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus--a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys--and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual "turn" +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. "Shure, thot's what they all +say!" was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:-- + +"If I'd knowed thot, I'd let the dom'd fool hang a week!" + +The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, _cheap_. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE. + + +In writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos. + +In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, "peculiar." As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy "forever and a day." She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there. + +When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love." While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily--I did everything temporarily--holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer's desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable--a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:-- + +"Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don't let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!" + +She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: "_What will you do?_" + +My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: "_Suppose we mildew?_" + +That was the proverbial "last straw" with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman. + +A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled _Ideals_ which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done. + +Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor--for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor's little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called _Nurses' Guide_. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:-- + +_Man Patient_--"Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?" + +_Fair Nurse_--"Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; _it's a part of the business_." + +Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth. + +Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for blondes. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women? + +But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES. + + +It should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an "undertaking," +therefore it must be a job--a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one's time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter--morbid fears. + +These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of "phobias." A man who is afraid of everything should not be dubbed +a low-down coward--he is simply afflicted with "pantaphobia." It doesn't +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more _eclat_. + +Another one of these fears is agoraphobia--the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground. + +There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears _ad nauseam_. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses. + +Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one's disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word "damn" often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known. + +Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The "madstones" in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog's bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears. + +Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a _bona fide_ disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can't find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don't care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can't get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines. + +There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS. + + +Morbid fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure. + +The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the "Gibson-girl" type. + +When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the _right_ side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. _On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room._ +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics. + + +[Illustration: The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.] + + +One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs--the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people's +pestiferous brats. I don't know that there is science about any of +this--no means of escape is all there is to it. + +Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians--dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life's economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don't know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease--just as we don't know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don't know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent. + +Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray's _Anatomy_ and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +"hard" water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it. + +I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow--a head full of common sense. I said:-- + +"Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?" + +"What done?" asked the doctor. + +"Because," I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +"I have appendicitis and I supposed----" + +"My friend," said this well-seasoned physician, "you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the _right_ side." + +My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me. + +The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:-- + +"You've been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis--on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that requires the surgeon's knife, but such are exceedingly rare." + +I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can't help +associating _appendicitis_ with _hospitalitis_. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +DIETING FOR HEALTH'S SAKE. + + +Next I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story. + +I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the "cut and try" +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else--usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure--always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season. + +I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion. + +For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself. + +One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:-- + + Per cent. water + Watermelon .98 + Cabbage .92 + Carrots .83 + Fish .81 + Cucumbers .97 + Beets .88 + Apples .80 + Meat .75 + + +That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up. + +When a new kind of food--a cereal product, it was supposed to be--appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them--I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: "Get the habit; eat our food," and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter. + +I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito's dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: "Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap." + +As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +"metabolism." I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +"test breakfast," for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a "test breakfast" from one of these +ultra-scientific men, you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite. + +A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: "Man, those things will kill you!" He told me to go back +to my former diet. + +So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:-- + +_Mother_--"Martha, what is Johnnie doing?" + +_Martha_--"I don't know, mum." + +_Mother_--"Well, find out what he is doing _and tell him to stop it this +very minute_." + +By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body's requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES. + + +Only casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption. + +I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues--just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string. + +By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation. + +The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to "back up" any scheme I might see fit to project. + +The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry. + +Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:-- + +"You have what is known to psychologists as 'creative imagination,' but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him." + +This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm--the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters. + +These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was "for a short +time." This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don't know how to obviate it. + +While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH. + + +As the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment's time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities. + +While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects--swimming, for example--yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening, +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn't much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the "stock letters," which the girls +always jokingly called the "lessons." + +One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers' quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The course was a success and many wrote for +"individual" instruction. + +Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business. + +As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough. + +But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of "the great white plague," +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +"lungers," depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain "consumption," while others had only "tuberculosis." Many had "lung +trouble," "catarrh," "bronchitis," and--"neurasthenia." + +The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the "B. L. B's."--"The Busted Lung Brigade." It seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart--and I a victim myself, I thought. + +I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can't eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer. + +In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out--in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of "green hills _far away_." Many went so far as the State of Maine. + +Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer--a stranger in a strange land--I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations are not to be +regarded as a case of "love's labor lost." + +I returned home "much improved in health." Don't think I've had a +tuberculous symptom since. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC. + + +Having now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one's life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my "crow feet"; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me! + +Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, "next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself." But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it. + +Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the "health and hygiene" rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine. + +But I could not refrain from doing something for my health's sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature's methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong "health waves" permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:-- + +"The joke is on you, old chap; you don't feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven't anybody +and haven't anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you +and--and--and I'm afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble." + +I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me. + +I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: "Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity." This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: "Forget your troubles and +go to sleep." When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did. + +This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES. + + +When I found that I couldn't possibly do nothing--I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used--I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: "A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself." I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments? + +I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had uttered a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: "Old boy, you don't know what +you've missed!" Another quotation rung in my ears was: "Be good and you'll +be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun!" So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices. + +One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can't imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can't do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say, don't begin. I have seen several women--or rather +females--who could beat me swearing all hollow. + +Next, I thought I'd try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes. + +No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in "maidenly" shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: "You don't know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don't associate it with common alcoholic stimulants." Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass _to keep from dropping off the earth_. + +Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations. + +Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC +DOCTORS. + + +By this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think--if he cares enough to think--that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish. + +I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics. + +The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +"anti." + +Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one's devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic? + +For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name! + +For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried. + +I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease _name_, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor's +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: "Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider crawling up the wall?" Another was: "Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?" + +At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy. + +The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways. + +I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the "rash act," as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed? + +To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:-- + +_Myself_--"Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?" + +_Myself_--"Every one--over a hundred--do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!" + +I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy. + +A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles. + +I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE. + + +Yes, I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art. + +Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did. + +For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the "stiff," as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening--we did this work at night--we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: _levator labii superioris alaquae nasi_. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he "didn't see no sense in +being so durned scientific." Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: "What +have you here?" My friend very promptly answered: "A pile of lean meat." +This student went by the not very euphonious name of "Lean Meat" from that +date. + +A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship. + +I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. _Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed._ I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened. + +At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman. + +"What in thunder's the matter with you, feller?" he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis. + +The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:-- + +"Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?" + +"Yes, sir;" was my response. + +"Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?" he asked. + +"I did," I had to admit. + +"And did you read up on the subject?" was further interrogated. + +"Y-yes," and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why. + +"I thought so," continued the doctor; "some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments." + +I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. "Misery loves +company," and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself. + +The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: "Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don't forget to +work. If you can't do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That's why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control." + +This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS. + + +Next I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial. + +I had never had any experience in "roughing it," but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else. + +Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick--a strong combination. I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don't care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization. + +On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other's jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes. + +But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be? + +Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: "I seen him when he done it." I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the _elite_ and the _bon ton_. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again. + +Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job. + +I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +"Made in Germany." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS. + + +Reader, you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up--an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half. + +At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect--more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +"earth, earthy." It is true, we think much about our health and those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, _that's our business_! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein "things are not what they seem." We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others' woes and are ever responsive to the +"touch of nature that makes the whole world kin." + +We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can't work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true! + +I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + +Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest +paragraph break. + +The following misprints have been corrected: + "does does" corrected to "does" (page 16) + "a short periods" corrected to "short periods" (page 20) + "scarced" corrected to "scared" (page 36) + "blonds" corrected to "blondes" (page 48) + "eclat" corrected to "eclat" (page 51) + "require's" corrected to "requires" (page 62) + "utered" corrected to "uttered" (page 91) + +Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies have +been retained. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + +***** This file should be named 30487.txt or 30487.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30487/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7e51f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #30487 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/30487) diff --git a/old/30487-8.txt b/old/30487-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5b77714 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/30487-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2545 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by William Taylor Marrs + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confessions of a Neurasthenic + +Author: William Taylor Marrs + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [EBook #30487] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + CONFESSIONS + OF A + NEURASTHENIC + + BY + WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D. + + + With Original Illustrations + + + PHILADELPHIA + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + COPYRIGHT 1908, + BY + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY. + + + [Registered at Stationers' Hall, London, Eng.] + + + Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.: + Press of F. A. Davis Company, + 1916 Cherry Street. + + + + +AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. + + +The author's life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs. + +The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out. + +The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring _I_. + +WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS. + +Peoria, Illinois. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Neurasthenic during his Infancy 1 + + II. The Perversity of his Childhood 7 + + III. As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth 16 + + IV. His Pursuit of an Education 20 + + V. Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health 27 + + VI. New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health 35 + + VII. The Neurasthenic Falls in Love 42 + + VIII. Morbid Fears and Fancies 50 + + IX. Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis 55 + + X. Dieting for Health's Sake 63 + + XI. Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures 71 + + XII. Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health 77 + + XIII. Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New + Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion 84 + + XIV. The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences 90 + + XV. Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic + and Homeopathic Doctors 94 + + XVI. Takes a Course in a Medical College 101 + + XVII. Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads 108 + + XVIII. Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions 113 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + + Nursing the baby 9 + + I was weaker than I really looked to be 11 + + My bump of continuity was poorly developed 21 + + I read up in the almanacs 29 + + Looking for new symptoms 33 + + Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia 39 + + The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room 57 + + Good-night and good-bye 115 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY. + + +The neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book. + +In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one's own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one's picture in the rogues' gallery. + +So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. "Neurosis" and "neurotic" are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints. + +A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck, heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance. + +Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point. + +With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader's mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy--_in fancy_. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed. + +For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother--never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it "misery"). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend. + +Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and "baby's friends" galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and _vice versa_. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother's +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older. + +Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick--and perhaps even +if he is--he needs a great deal of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into "nerves," and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD. + + +When I became old enough to "take notice" of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought + + "Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy," + +had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was "old for my age," whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all! + + +[Illustration: Nursing the baby.] + + +As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease--a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +"What's the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?" On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it "tired me +to breathe so often." I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time. + +My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked to be. I gained the reputation of being a +_good boy_, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the "good boy" category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility. + + +[Illustration: I was weaker than I really looked to be.] + + +When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths. + +The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid "something was going to happen." +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort. + +My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself. + +Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker's repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman. + +In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy. + +As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH. + + +Time passed on--that's about all time does anyway--and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said "golly," "hully gee," or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. "What's the use?" seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle. + +Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can. + +Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody's dope, I always +thought: "That's just the way I feel." But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer's testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years. + +I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different. + +In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the "Crack-went-the-ranger's-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin" +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides' _History_ +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:-- + +"Pray, of what did your brother die?" said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. "He died, sir," was the answer, "of having nothing to do!" + +That, I thought, must have been an easy death. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION. + + +When I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure "moulded," I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn't know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for short periods +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung. + +It was my ambition--for a short time--to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +_bump of "continuity" was poorly developed_. + + +[Illustration: My bump of continuity was poorly developed.] + + +I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone's _Commentaries_. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: "Learn +English first, young man. I'll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can't pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +'y-c-l-e-p-t' spells and what it means." + +Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed "mental drill"; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass. + +Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture--the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can't even hope to live +up to have no place in life's calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp. + +Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:-- + +"You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a +neurosis." + +I thought to myself that if it was "only" a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business. + +I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact--whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of--bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH. + + +Indecision marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river. + +I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes--no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds. + +Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright's disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. _I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs--oh! what +authority!_--and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred years +and being dead, he preferred the latter. + + +[Illustration: I read up in the almanacs.] + + +There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the "invalid list," and when once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, "forever." The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more--say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being "catarrh," "neurasthenia," +"rheumatism," "incipient tuberculosis," "heart disease," "kidney and liver +affections," "chronic invalidism," and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late. + +One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was "indisposition +to work." I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +"singing in my ears," "distress after eating too much," +"self-consciousness," and "forebodings of impending danger." I always +experienced great fear lest one of these "forebodings" overtake me +unawares. + +These letters were always "personal," although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, "stock letters." They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was. + +While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease _idea_ rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice. + +As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the "strenuous +life"--a late term--than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept "humping" until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and "sifting" grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:-- + + "Satan finds some mischief still, + For idle hands to do." + + +[Illustration: Looking for new symptoms.] + + +The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, "do me good." I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he "didn't want no dood from the +city monkeyin' around in the way, nohow." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH. + + +The pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o'-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture--which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier. + +Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings. Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This scared me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger. + +Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time--perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing. + +About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals. + +Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had _psychasthenia +anorexia_. This was a new one on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing. + +This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified _masseur_ to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me--he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and _vice versa_--so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things. + +It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them. + + +[Illustration: Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.] + + +One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as "the tall, handsome bachelor." I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus--a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys--and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual "turn" +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. "Shure, thot's what they all +say!" was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:-- + +"If I'd knowed thot, I'd let the dom'd fool hang a week!" + +The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, _cheap_. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE. + + +In writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos. + +In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, "peculiar." As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy "forever and a day." She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there. + +When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love." While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily--I did everything temporarily--holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer's desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable--a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:-- + +"Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don't let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!" + +She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: "_What will you do?_" + +My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: "_Suppose we mildew?_" + +That was the proverbial "last straw" with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman. + +A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled _Ideals_ which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done. + +Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor--for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor's little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called _Nurses' Guide_. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:-- + +_Man Patient_--"Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?" + +_Fair Nurse_--"Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; _it's a part of the business_." + +Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth. + +Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for blondes. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women? + +But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES. + + +It should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an "undertaking," +therefore it must be a job--a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one's time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter--morbid fears. + +These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of "phobias." A man who is afraid of everything should not be dubbed +a low-down coward--he is simply afflicted with "pantaphobia." It doesn't +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more _éclat_. + +Another one of these fears is agoraphobia--the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground. + +There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears _ad nauseam_. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses. + +Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one's disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word "damn" often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known. + +Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The "madstones" in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog's bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears. + +Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a _bona fide_ disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can't find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don't care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can't get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines. + +There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS. + + +Morbid fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure. + +The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the "Gibson-girl" type. + +When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the _right_ side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. _On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room._ +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics. + + +[Illustration: The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.] + + +One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs--the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people's +pestiferous brats. I don't know that there is science about any of +this--no means of escape is all there is to it. + +Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians--dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life's economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don't know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease--just as we don't know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don't know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent. + +Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray's _Anatomy_ and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +"hard" water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it. + +I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow--a head full of common sense. I said:-- + +"Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?" + +"What done?" asked the doctor. + +"Because," I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +"I have appendicitis and I supposed----" + +"My friend," said this well-seasoned physician, "you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the _right_ side." + +My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me. + +The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:-- + +"You've been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis--on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that requires the surgeon's knife, but such are exceedingly rare." + +I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can't help +associating _appendicitis_ with _hospitalitis_. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +DIETING FOR HEALTH'S SAKE. + + +Next I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story. + +I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the "cut and try" +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else--usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure--always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season. + +I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion. + +For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself. + +One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:-- + + Per cent. water + Watermelon .98 + Cabbage .92 + Carrots .83 + Fish .81 + Cucumbers .97 + Beets .88 + Apples .80 + Meat .75 + + +That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up. + +When a new kind of food--a cereal product, it was supposed to be--appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them--I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: "Get the habit; eat our food," and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter. + +I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito's dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: "Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap." + +As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +"metabolism." I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +"test breakfast," for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a "test breakfast" from one of these +ultra-scientific men, you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite. + +A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: "Man, those things will kill you!" He told me to go back +to my former diet. + +So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:-- + +_Mother_--"Martha, what is Johnnie doing?" + +_Martha_--"I don't know, mum." + +_Mother_--"Well, find out what he is doing _and tell him to stop it this +very minute_." + +By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body's requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES. + + +Only casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption. + +I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues--just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string. + +By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation. + +The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to "back up" any scheme I might see fit to project. + +The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry. + +Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:-- + +"You have what is known to psychologists as 'creative imagination,' but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him." + +This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm--the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters. + +These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was "for a short +time." This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don't know how to obviate it. + +While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH. + + +As the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment's time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities. + +While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects--swimming, for example--yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening, +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn't much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the "stock letters," which the girls +always jokingly called the "lessons." + +One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers' quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The course was a success and many wrote for +"individual" instruction. + +Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business. + +As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough. + +But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of "the great white plague," +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +"lungers," depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain "consumption," while others had only "tuberculosis." Many had "lung +trouble," "catarrh," "bronchitis," and--"neurasthenia." + +The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the "B. L. B's."--"The Busted Lung Brigade." It seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart--and I a victim myself, I thought. + +I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can't eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer. + +In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out--in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of "green hills _far away_." Many went so far as the State of Maine. + +Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer--a stranger in a strange land--I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations are not to be +regarded as a case of "love's labor lost." + +I returned home "much improved in health." Don't think I've had a +tuberculous symptom since. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC. + + +Having now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one's life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my "crow feet"; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me! + +Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, "next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself." But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it. + +Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the "health and hygiene" rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine. + +But I could not refrain from doing something for my health's sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature's methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong "health waves" permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:-- + +"The joke is on you, old chap; you don't feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven't anybody +and haven't anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you +and--and--and I'm afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble." + +I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me. + +I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: "Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity." This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: "Forget your troubles and +go to sleep." When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did. + +This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES. + + +When I found that I couldn't possibly do nothing--I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used--I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: "A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself." I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments? + +I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had uttered a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: "Old boy, you don't know what +you've missed!" Another quotation rung in my ears was: "Be good and you'll +be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun!" So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices. + +One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can't imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can't do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say, don't begin. I have seen several women--or rather +females--who could beat me swearing all hollow. + +Next, I thought I'd try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes. + +No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in "maidenly" shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: "You don't know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don't associate it with common alcoholic stimulants." Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass _to keep from dropping off the earth_. + +Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations. + +Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC +DOCTORS. + + +By this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think--if he cares enough to think--that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish. + +I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics. + +The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +"anti." + +Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one's devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic? + +For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name! + +For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried. + +I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease _name_, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor's +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: "Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider crawling up the wall?" Another was: "Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?" + +At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy. + +The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways. + +I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the "rash act," as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed? + +To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:-- + +_Myself_--"Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?" + +_Myself_--"Every one--over a hundred--do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!" + +I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy. + +A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles. + +I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE. + + +Yes, I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art. + +Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did. + +For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the "stiff," as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening--we did this work at night--we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: _levator labii superioris alaquae nasi_. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he "didn't see no sense in +being so durned scientific." Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: "What +have you here?" My friend very promptly answered: "A pile of lean meat." +This student went by the not very euphonious name of "Lean Meat" from that +date. + +A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship. + +I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. _Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed._ I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened. + +At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman. + +"What in thunder's the matter with you, feller?" he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis. + +The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:-- + +"Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?" + +"Yes, sir;" was my response. + +"Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?" he asked. + +"I did," I had to admit. + +"And did you read up on the subject?" was further interrogated. + +"Y-yes," and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why. + +"I thought so," continued the doctor; "some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments." + +I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. "Misery loves +company," and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself. + +The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: "Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don't forget to +work. If you can't do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That's why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control." + +This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS. + + +Next I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial. + +I had never had any experience in "roughing it," but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else. + +Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick--a strong combination. I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don't care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization. + +On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other's jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes. + +But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be? + +Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: "I seen him when he done it." I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the _élite_ and the _bon ton_. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again. + +Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job. + +I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +"Made in Germany." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS. + + +Reader, you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up--an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half. + +At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect--more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +"earth, earthy." It is true, we think much about our health and those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, _that's our business_! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein "things are not what they seem." We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others' woes and are ever responsive to the +"touch of nature that makes the whole world kin." + +We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can't work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true! + +I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + +Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest +paragraph break. + +The following misprints have been corrected: + "does does" corrected to "does" (page 16) + "a short periods" corrected to "short periods" (page 20) + "scarced" corrected to "scared" (page 36) + "blonds" corrected to "blondes" (page 48) + "eclat" corrected to "éclat" (page 51) + "require's" corrected to "requires" (page 62) + "utered" corrected to "uttered" (page 91) + +Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies have +been retained. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + +***** This file should be named 30487-8.txt or 30487-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30487/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confessions of a Neurasthenic + +Author: William Taylor Marrs + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [EBook #30487] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + +<h1>CONFESSIONS</h1> +<h3>OF A</h3> +<h1>NEURASTHENIC</h1> +<p> </p> +<h3>BY</h3> +<h2>WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D.</h2> +<p> </p> +<h4>With Original Illustrations</h4> +<p> </p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/emblem.jpg" alt="" /></div> + +<p> </p> +<h5>PHILADELPHIA</h5> +<h4>F. A. DAVIS COMPANY</h4> +<h5>PUBLISHERS</h5> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<h4>COPYRIGHT 1908,<br /> +BY<br /> +F. A. DAVIS COMPANY.<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +[Registered at Stationers’ Hall, London, Eng.]<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.:<br /> +Press of F. A. Davis Company,<br /> +1916 Cherry Street.</h4> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> +<h2>AUTHOR’S APOLOGY.</h2> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> author’s life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs.</p> + +<p>The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out.</p> + +<p>The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring <i>I</i>.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">William Taylor Marrs.</span></p> +<p>Peoria, Illinois.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p> +<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="Contents"> +<tr><td><span class="smcap">Chapter</span></td><td> </td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">I.</td><td>The Neurasthenic during his Infancy</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">II.</td><td>The Perversity of his Childhood</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_7">7</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">III.</td><td>As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_16">16</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IV.</td><td>His Pursuit of an Education</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_20">20</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">V.</td><td>Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_27">27</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VI.</td><td>New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_35">35</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VII.</td><td>The Neurasthenic Falls in Love</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_42">42</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">VIII.</td><td>Morbid Fears and Fancies</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_50">50</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">IX.</td><td>Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_55">55</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">X.</td><td>Dieting for Health’s Sake</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_63">63</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right"><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[Pg vi]</a></span>XI.</td><td>Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_71">71</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XII.</td><td>Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIII.</td><td>Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XIV.</td><td>The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_90">90</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XV.</td><td>Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic and Homeopathic Doctors</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_94">94</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVI.</td><td>Takes a Course in a Medical College</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_101">101</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVII.</td><td>Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_108">108</a></td></tr> +<tr><td align="right">XVIII.</td><td>Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td></tr></table> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS.</h2> +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="Illustrations"> +<tr><td> </td><td align="right"><span class="smcap">Page</span></td></tr> +<tr><td>Nursing the baby</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_9">9</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>I was weaker than I really looked to be</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_12">11</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>My bump of continuity was poorly developed</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_21">21</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>I read up in the almanacs</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_29">29</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Looking for new symptoms</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_33">33</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_39">39</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_58">57</a></td></tr> +<tr><td>Good-night and good-bye</td><td align="right"><a href="#Page_115">115</a></td></tr></table> + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER I.</h2> + +<h3>THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book.</p> + +<p>In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one’s own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one’s picture in the rogues’ gallery.</p> + +<p>So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. “Neurosis” and “neurotic” are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints.</p> + +<p>A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance.</p> + +<p>Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point.</p> + +<p>With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader’s mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy—<i>in fancy</i>. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed.</p> + +<p>For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother—never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it “misery”). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend.</p> + +<p>Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and “baby’s friends” galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and <i>vice versa</i>. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother’s +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older.</p> + +<p>Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick—and perhaps even +if he is—he needs a great deal<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into “nerves,” and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER II.</h2> + +<h3>THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I became old enough to “take notice” of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought</p> + +<p class="poem">“Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy,”</p> + +<p>had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was “old for my age,” whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all!</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig009.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Nursing the baby.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease—a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +“What’s the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?” On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it “tired me +to breathe so often.” I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time.</p> + +<p>My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> to be. I gained the reputation of being a +<i>good boy</i>, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the “good boy” category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig011.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">I was weaker than I really looked to be.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths.</p> + +<p>The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid “something was going to happen.” +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself.</p> + +<p>Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker’s repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman.</p> + +<p>In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy.</p> + +<p>As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER III.</h2> + +<h3>AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Time</span> passed on—that’s about +all time <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'does does'">does</ins> anyway—and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said “golly,” “hully gee,” or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. “What’s the use?” seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle.</p> + +<p>Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can.</p> + +<p>Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody’s dope, I always +thought: “That’s just the way I feel.” But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer’s testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years.</p> + +<p>I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different.</p> + +<p>In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the “Crack-went-the-ranger’s-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin” +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides’ <i>History</i> +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:—</p> + +<p>“Pray, of what did your brother die?” said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. “He died, sir,” was the answer, “of having nothing to do!”</p> + +<p>That, I thought, must have been an easy death.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV.</h2> + +<h3>HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure “moulded,” I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn’t know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'a short periods'">short periods</ins> +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung.</p> + +<p>It was my ambition—for a short time—to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +<i>bump of “continuity” was poorly developed</i>.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig021.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">My bump of continuity was poorly developed.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone’s <i>Commentaries</i>. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: “Learn +English first, young man. I’ll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can’t pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +‘y-c-l-e-p-t’ spells and what it means.”</p> + +<p>Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed “mental drill”; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass.</p> + +<p>Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture—the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can’t even hope to live +up to have no place in life’s calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp.</p> + +<p>Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:—</p> + +<p>“You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a neurosis.”</p> + +<p>I thought to myself that if it was “only” a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business.</p> + +<p>I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact—whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of—bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER V.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Indecision</span> marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river.</p> + +<p>I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes—no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright’s disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. <i>I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs—oh! what +authority!</i>—and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> years +and being dead, he preferred the latter.</p> + +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig029.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">I read up in the almanacs.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the “invalid list,” and when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, “forever.” The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more—say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being “catarrh,” “neurasthenia,” +“rheumatism,” “incipient tuberculosis,” “heart disease,” “kidney and liver +affections,” “chronic invalidism,” and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late.</p> + +<p>One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was “indisposition +to work.” I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +“singing in my ears,” “distress after eating too much,” +“self-consciousness,” and “forebodings of impending danger.” I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> always +experienced great fear lest one of these “forebodings” overtake me +unawares.</p> + +<p>These letters were always “personal,” although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, “stock letters.” They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was.</p> + +<p>While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease <i>idea</i> rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice.</p> + +<p>As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the “strenuous +life”—a late term—than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept “humping” until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and “sifting” grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:—</p> + +<p class="poem">“Satan finds some mischief still,<br />For idle hands to do.”</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig033.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Looking for new symptoms.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, “do me good.” I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he “didn’t want no dood from the +city monkeyin’ around in the way, nohow.”</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI.</h2> + +<h3>NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">The</span> pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o’-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture—which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier.</p> + +<p>Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'scarced'">scared</ins> me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger.</p> + +<p>Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time—perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals.</p> + +<p>Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had <i>psychasthenia +anorexia</i>. This was a new one<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing.</p> + +<p>This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified <i>masseur</i> to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me—he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and <i>vice versa</i>—so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things.</p> + +<p>It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig039.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as “the tall, handsome bachelor.” I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus—a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys—and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual “turn” +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. “Shure, thot’s what they all +say!” was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:—</p> + +<p>“If I’d knowed thot, I’d let the dom’d fool hang a week!”</p> + +<p>The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, <i>cheap</i>.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII.</h2> + +<h3>THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">In</span> writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos.</p> + +<p>In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, “peculiar.” As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy “forever and a day.” She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there.</p> + +<p>When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, “a young man’s fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love.” While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily—I did everything temporarily—holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer’s desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable—a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:—</p> + +<p>“Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don’t let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: “<i>What will you do?</i>”</p> + +<p>My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: “<i>Suppose we mildew?</i>”</p> + +<p>That was the proverbial “last straw” with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman.</p> + +<p>A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled <i>Ideals</i> which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done.</p> + +<p>Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor—for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor’s little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called <i>Nurses’ Guide</i>. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:—</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span><i>Man Patient</i>—“Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?”</p> + +<p><i>Fair Nurse</i>—“Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; <i>it’s a part of the business</i>.”</p> + +<p>Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth.</p> + +<p>Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'blonds'">blondes</ins>. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women?</p> + +<p>But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly!</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII.</h2> + +<h3>MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">It</span> should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an “undertaking,” +therefore it must be a job—a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one’s time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter—morbid fears.</p> + +<p>These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of “phobias.” A man who is afraid of everything should not<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> be dubbed +a low-down coward—he is simply afflicted with “pantaphobia.” It doesn’t +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more <i><ins class="correction" title="original reads 'eclat'">éclat</ins></i>.</p> + +<p>Another one of these fears is agoraphobia—the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground.</p> + +<p>There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears <i>ad nauseam</i>. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses.</p> + +<p>Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one’s disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word “damn” often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The “madstones” in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog’s bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears.</p> + +<p>Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> <i>bona fide</i> disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can’t find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don’t care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can’t get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines.</p> + +<p>There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX.</h2> + +<h3>GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Morbid</span> fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure.</p> + +<p>The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the “Gibson-girl” type.</p> + +<p>When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the <i>right</i> side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. <i>On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room.</i> +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics.</p> + +<p> </p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span></p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig057.jpg" alt="" /></div> +<p class="center">The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.</p> +<p> </p> + +<p>One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs—the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people’s +pestiferous brats. I don’t know that there is science about any of +this—no means of escape is all there is to it.</p> + +<p>Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians—dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life’s economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don’t know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease—just as we don’t know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don’t know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray’s <i>Anatomy</i> and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +“hard” water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it.</p> + +<p>I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow—a head full of common sense. I said:—</p> + +<p>“Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?”</p> + +<p>“What done?” asked the doctor.</p> + +<p>“Because,” I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +“I have appendicitis and I supposed——”</p> + +<p>“My friend,” said this well-seasoned physician, “you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the <i>right</i> side.”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me.</p> + +<p>The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:—</p> + +<p>“You’ve been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis—on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'require's'">requires</ins> the surgeon’s knife, but such are exceedingly rare.”</p> + +<p>I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can’t help +associating <i>appendicitis</i> with <i>hospitalitis</i>.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER X.</h2> + +<h3>DIETING FOR HEALTH’S SAKE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Next</span> I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story.</p> + +<p>I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the “cut and try” +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else—usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure—always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season.</p> + +<p>I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion.</p> + +<p>For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself.</p> + +<p>One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:—</p> + +<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="5" summary="water"> +<tr><td> </td><td align="center">Per cent. water</td></tr> +<tr><td>Watermelon</td><td align="center">.98</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cabbage</td><td align="center">.92</td></tr> +<tr><td>Carrots</td><td align="center">.83</td></tr> +<tr><td>Fish</td><td align="center">.81</td></tr> +<tr><td>Cucumbers</td><td align="center">.97</td></tr> +<tr><td>Beets</td><td align="center">.88</td></tr> +<tr><td>Apples</td><td align="center">.80</td></tr> +<tr><td>Meat</td><td align="center">.75</td></tr></table> + + +<p>That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up.</p> + +<p>When a new kind of food—a cereal product, it was supposed to be—appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them—I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: “Get the habit; eat our food,” and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter.</p> + +<p>I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito’s dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: “Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap.”</p> + +<p>As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +“metabolism.” I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +“test breakfast,” for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a “test breakfast” from one of these +ultra-scientific men,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite.</p> + +<p>A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: “Man, those things will kill you!” He told me to go back +to my former diet.</p> + +<p>So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:—</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i>—“Martha, what is Johnnie doing?”</p> + +<p><i>Martha</i>—“I don’t know, mum.”</p> + +<p><i>Mother</i>—“Well, find out what he is doing <i>and tell him to stop it this +very minute</i>.”</p> + +<p>By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body’s requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI.</h2> + +<h3>TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Only</span> casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption.</p> + +<p>I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span> crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues—just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string.</p> + +<p>By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation.</p> + +<p>The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to “back up” any scheme I might see fit to project.</p> + +<p>The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry.</p> + +<p>Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:—</p> + +<p>“You have what is known to psychologists as ‘creative imagination,’ but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him.”</p> + +<p>This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm—the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters.</p> + +<p>These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was “for a short +time.” This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don’t know how to obviate it.</p> + +<p>While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">As</span> the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment’s time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities.</p> + +<p>While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects—swimming, for example—yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn’t much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the “stock letters,” which the girls +always jokingly called the “lessons.”</p> + +<p>One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers’ quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span> course was a success and many wrote for +“individual” instruction.</p> + +<p>Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business.</p> + +<p>As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough.</p> + +<p>But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of “the great white plague,” +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +“lungers,” depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain “consumption,” while others had only “tuberculosis.” Many had “lung +trouble,” “catarrh,” “bronchitis,” and—“neurasthenia.”</p> + +<p>The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the “B. L. B’s.”—“The Busted Lung Brigade.” It<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart—and I a victim myself, I thought.</p> + +<p>I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can’t eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out—in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of “green hills <i>far away</i>.” Many went so far as the State of Maine.</p> + +<p>Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer—a stranger in a strange land—I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> are not to be +regarded as a case of “love’s labor lost.”</p> + +<p>I returned home “much improved in health.” Don’t think I’ve had a +tuberculous symptom since.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII.</h2> + +<h3>TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC.</h3> + + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Having</span> now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.” I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one’s life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my “crow feet”; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me!</p> + +<p>Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, “next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself.” But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it.</p> + +<p>Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the “health and hygiene” rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine.</p> + +<p>But I could not refrain from doing something for my health’s sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature’s methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong “health waves” permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:—</p> + +<p>“The joke is on you, old chap; you don’t feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven’t anybody +and haven’t anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +and—and—and I’m afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble.”</p> + +<p>I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me.</p> + +<p>I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: “Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity.” This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: “Forget your troubles and +go to sleep.” When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did.</p> + +<p>This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIV.</h2> + +<h3>THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">When</span> I found that I couldn’t possibly do nothing—I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used—I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: “A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself.” I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments?</p> + +<p>I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had <ins class="correction" title="original reads 'utered'">uttered</ins> a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: “Old boy, you don’t know what +you’ve missed!” Another quotation rung in my ears was: “Be good and you’ll +be happy, but you’ll miss a lot of fun!” So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices.</p> + +<p>One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can’t imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can’t do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> don’t begin. I have seen several women—or rather +females—who could beat me swearing all hollow.</p> + +<p>Next, I thought I’d try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes.</p> + +<p>No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in “maidenly” shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: “You don’t know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don’t<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span> associate it with common alcoholic stimulants.” Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass <i>to keep from dropping off the earth</i>.</p> + +<p>Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations.</p> + +<p>Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XV.</h2> + +<h3>CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC DOCTORS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">By</span> this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think—if he cares enough to think—that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish.</p> + +<p>I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics.</p> + +<p>The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to + +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +“anti.”</p> + +<p>Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one’s devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic?</p> + +<p>For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name!</p> + +<p>For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried.</p> + +<p>I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease <i>name</i>, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor’s +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: “Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> crawling up the wall?” Another was: “Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?”</p> + +<p>At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy.</p> + +<p>The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways.</p> + +<p>I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the “rash act,” as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed?</p> + +<p>To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:—</p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>—“Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor.”</p> + +<p><i>Doctor</i>—“Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?”</p> + +<p><i>Myself</i>—“Every one—over a hundred—do hurry, doctor.”</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span><i>Doctor</i>—“No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!”</p> + +<p>I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy.</p> + +<p>A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles.</p> + +<p>I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVI.</h2> + +<h3>TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Yes,</span> I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art.</p> + +<p>Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did.</p> + +<p>For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the “stiff,” as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening—we did this work at night—we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: <i>levator labii superioris</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> <i>alaquae nasi</i>. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he “didn’t see no sense in +being so durned scientific.” Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: “What +have you here?” My friend very promptly answered: “A pile of lean meat.” +This student went by the not very euphonious name of “Lean Meat” from that +date.</p> + +<p>A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship.</p> + +<p>I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. <i>Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed.</i> I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened.</p> + +<p>At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman.</p> + +<p>“What in thunder’s the matter with you, feller?” he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis.</p> + +<p>The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:—</p> + +<p>“Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?”</p> + +<p>“Yes, sir;” was my response.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>“Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?” he asked.</p> + +<p>“I did,” I had to admit.</p> + +<p>“And did you read up on the subject?” was further interrogated.</p> + +<p>“Y-yes,” and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why.</p> + +<p>“I thought so,” continued the doctor; “some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments.”</p> + +<p>I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. “Misery loves +company,” and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: “Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don’t forget to +work. If you can’t do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That’s why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control.”</p> + +<p>This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again.</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVII.</h2> + +<h3>TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Next</span> I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial.</p> + +<p>I had never had any experience in “roughing it,” but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else.</p> + +<p>Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick—a strong combination.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don’t care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization.</p> + +<p>On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other’s jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes.</p> + +<p>But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be?</p> + +<p>Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: “I seen him when he done it.” I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the <i>élite</i> and the <i>bon ton</i>. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again.</p> + +<p>Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job.</p> + +<p>I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +“Made in Germany.”</p> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span></p> +<h2>CHAPTER XVIII.</h2> + +<h3>GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS.</h3> + +<p class='dropcap'><span class="caps">Reader,</span> you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up—an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half.</p> + +<p>At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect—more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +“earth, earthy.” It is true, we think much about our health and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, <i>that’s our business</i>! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein “things are not what they seem.” We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others’ woes and are ever responsive to the +“touch of nature that makes the whole world kin.”</p> + +<p>We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can’t work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true!</p> + +<p>I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed.</p> + +<p> </p><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p><p> </p> +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/fig115.jpg" alt="" /></div> + + +<p> </p><p> </p> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><b>Transcriber’s Notes:</b></p> + +<p>Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest paragraph break.</p> + +<p>Other than the corrections noted by hover information in the text, printer’s inconsistencies have been retained.</p> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + +***** This file should be named 30487-h.htm or 30487-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30487/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confessions of a Neurasthenic + +Author: William Taylor Marrs + +Release Date: November 17, 2009 [EBook #30487] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + CONFESSIONS + OF A + NEURASTHENIC + + BY + WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS, M.D. + + + With Original Illustrations + + + PHILADELPHIA + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY + PUBLISHERS + + + + COPYRIGHT 1908, + BY + F. A. DAVIS COMPANY. + + + [Registered at Stationers' Hall, London, Eng.] + + + Philadelphia, Pa., U. S. A.: + Press of F. A. Davis Company, + 1916 Cherry Street. + + + + +AUTHOR'S APOLOGY. + + +The author's life-work having been such as to enable him to be especially +observant, he can vouch for nearly every incident and statement recorded +in this monograph as being based upon an actual experience, and therefore +not merely the creation of something out of the whole cloth. In this +instance, the neurasthenic is made to carry quite a heavy burden; thus, in +a measure, suffering vicariously for the whole class to which he belongs. + +The author has used his best efforts to tell his story in a happy vein, +without padding and a multiplicity of words. The writing of it has been a +task well mixed with pleasure, the latter of which it is hoped the reader +may, in some small measure, share. The suggestions that are intended to be +conveyed project between the lines, and therefore need no pointing out. + +The one apology which the author desires to offer is for the constant +repetition of the personal pronoun. This has been all along a matter of +sincere regret to the author, but he saw no way of obviating it. It is a +difficult matter to tell a story, when you are your own hero and villain, +and keep down to a modest limit the ever-recurring _I_. + +WILLIAM TAYLOR MARRS. + +Peoria, Illinois. + + + + +CONTENTS. + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. The Neurasthenic during his Infancy 1 + + II. The Perversity of his Childhood 7 + + III. As a Shiftless and Purposeless Youth 16 + + IV. His Pursuit of an Education 20 + + V. Tries to Find an Occupation Conducive to Health 27 + + VI. New Symptoms and the Pursuit of Health 35 + + VII. The Neurasthenic Falls in Love 42 + + VIII. Morbid Fears and Fancies 50 + + IX. Germs and How he Avoided Them. Appendicitis 55 + + X. Dieting for Health's Sake 63 + + XI. Tells of a Few New Occupations and Ventures 71 + + XII. Tries a New Business; also Travels some for his Health 77 + + XIII. Tries a Retired Life; is also an Investigator of New + Thought, Christian Science, Hypnotic Suggestion 84 + + XIV. The Cultivation of a Few Vices and the Consequences 90 + + XV. Considers Politics and Religion. Consults Osteopathic + and Homeopathic Doctors 94 + + XVI. Takes a Course in a Medical College 101 + + XVII. Turns Cow-boy. Has Run the Gamut of Fads 108 + + XVIII. Gives up the Task of Writing Confessions 113 + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + PAGE + + Nursing the baby 9 + + I was weaker than I really looked to be 11 + + My bump of continuity was poorly developed 21 + + I read up in the almanacs 29 + + Looking for new symptoms 33 + + Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia 39 + + The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room 57 + + Good-night and good-bye 115 + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +THE NEURASTHENIC DURING HIS INFANCY. + + +The neurasthenic is born and not made to order, but it is only by +assiduous cultivation that he can hope to become a finished product. To +elucidate the fact presented by the latter half of the preceding sentence +is the purpose of this little book. + +In telling a story it is always best to begin at the beginning. I shall +start by saying that I was born poor and without any opportunities, +therefore I ought to have been able to accomplish almost anything. The +reader will readily agree that the best inheritance that the average +American boy can have is indigence and lack of opportunity. For getting on +in the world and for carving out one's own little niche, nothing beats +having poverty-stricken, but sensible and respectable parents. Many a +fellow has been heard to deplore the lack of opportunities in his early +youth when, in reality, nothing stood in his way, unless it may have been +the rather unhandy handicap of being poor. Money may sometimes enable one +to get recognition in the hall of fame, and sometimes it is instrumental +in getting one's picture in the rogues' gallery. + +So I consider myself fortunate in having been born well, except that I +inherited a neurosis instead of an estate. "Neurosis" and "neurotic" are +docile terms after you once form their acquaintance. They broke into my +vocabulary while I was yet at a tender age, and during all the intervening +years I have learned more and more about them, both from literary and +experimental standpoints. + +A neurosis is a nervous symptom of some sort, and if you have a sufficient +number and variety of them you are a neurasthenic. If you ever get so that +you can move in neurasthenic circles, you will always be foolish about +your health and your physical and mental well-being. It is quite common +for us to ascribe all our defects to heredity. Poor old, overworked +heredity is the dumping-ground for the most of our laziness, perversity +and shortcomings! If we have a bad temper, a penchant for whiskey, or a +wryneck, heredity has the brunt to bear. We can always give our +imperfections a little veneering by saying that they were an inheritance. + +Granting the significance of heredity as a factor in causing suffering, I +wish to emphasize the fact that we can inherit only tendencies, or the raw +material, as it were. We do the rest ourselves, and work out our +respective salvations either with or without fear and trembling. Quite +often improper training and adverse environment at an impressionable age +start us on the wrong track. And that brings me to the point. + +With this seeming digression in order to prepare the reader's mind for +what is to follow, I return to my infancy--_in fancy_. At the age of +twenty-four hours, so I am told, I considered it necessary to have a +lighted lamp in my room at night. Other habits affecting my special senses +followed in rapid succession. The visitors began pouring in to see me on +the second day, and I think it was a morbid interest that any one could +work up over such a red, speckled mite of humanity as I must have been. +They all insisted on digging me out of my nest, taking me up and rolling +me about, when it was my natural inclination to want to sleep nearly all +the time. From this procedure I soon grew restless and disturbed sleep +followed. + +For the first two or three days I had no desire for nourishment, so far as +I can remember now, but a number of concoctions were put down my unwilling +little throat. As I have since learned, a babe, like a chick, is born with +sufficient nourishment in its stomach to tide it along a few days without +parental intervention. You might be able to convince a hen mother of this +fact, but a human mother--never! So when I cried, it was for two or three +reasons: My feelings were outraged, or the variety of teas had created a +gas on my stomach which made me feel very uncomfortable (the old ladies +called it "misery"). Then I cried because I thought, or rather felt, that +the air-cells of my lungs needed expansion, and the crying act assisted +materially in doing this. If I could have talked or sung, I should not +have cried. Crying was the easiest and most natural thing for me to do. It +was then that I was introduced to the paregoric bottle, and I very soon +began to form the habit. My dear, good mother would have been terribly +incensed had any one suggested that her darling was becoming a little dope +fiend. + +Remedies soon lost their soporific effect on me, or I acquired tolerance +to the usual dosage, and the folks had to hunt up new things to give. I +took soothing syrups and "baby's friends" galore. The night and the day +were not rightly divided for me; when I slept, it was during the day when +others were awake, and _vice versa_. I became a spoiled, pampered child, +and gained a great deal of attention and sympathy, in consequence of which +I became a veritable little bundle of nerves. While yet in my mother's +arms, I manifested many of the whims and vagaries which were destined to +crop out more strenuously as I grew older. + +Ah, mothers, why does that big, loving heart of yours never falter or grow +weary in the performance of what you think is your bounden duty toward +your attention-loving little one? If Willie is not sick--and perhaps even +if he is--he needs a great deal of letting alone. Why jeopardize your own +health in perpetuating these midnight seances with him, thus engendering +in him a habit that will grow into "nerves," and perhaps later into +shattered health or a weakened character? Better let him cry it out once +and for all! But you are mothers, and motherhood being a heaven-born +institution, there is supposed to be a maternal instinct that ever guides +you aright. This I have the hardihood to seriously question. + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +THE PERVERSITY OF HIS CHILDHOOD. + + +When I became old enough to "take notice" of things, I was fairly deluged +with toys: Fuzzy dogs and cats; big, red, yellow and green balls; fancy +rattle-boxes, and various other things were used to stimulate my +perceptive faculties. All of which should be left to Mother Nature, who +ever does these things well in her own good time and way. I became so +accustomed to toys, having such an innumerable variety of them, that it +required something out of the ordinary to arouse my interest. The poetic +thought + + "Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a toy," + +had little significance to me. I outgrew toys very early and became +precocious. Elderly ladies said I was "old for my age," whatever that may +mean, and that I was too smart to live. But I have always had a stubborn +way of disappointing those who love me best. This precocity was taken +advantage of by relatives and visitors to furnish them with amusement. +Many a time when some one dropped in I was called upon to be the +star-performer of the evening. I was compelled to appear whether I felt +like it or not. I was tickled in the ribs, because the folks liked to hear +my hearty laugh; and I was tossed in the air and stood on my head, because +it was thought that these things were as amusing to me as to my audience. +Whenever conversation lagged I was made the center of attraction and +compelled to assist in some new stunt. As I now look back on my infantile +career, I have little reason to question why I was nervous and spoiled as +I merged from infancy into childhood. I ought to be thankful that I +survived it all! + + +[Illustration: Nursing the baby.] + + +As I grew older I became peevish and morose. I was full of conceits, moods +and whims. This was not due to actual sickness, for all my functions were +normal and I was reasonably well nourished. One sort of play or pastime +soon palled on me. I think this was mainly due to the fact that I had been +humored to death and had enjoyed every sensation and surprise that it was +possible for me to experience. When I played with other children, things +had to go my way or there was a scene. I did not fight, my bump of +combativeness being evidently small. It was not from my inherent goodness +that I refrained from pugilistic encounters so much as from the fact that +I did not want to disturb my mental equanimity. Then I was lazy and liked +a state of physical ease--a condition from which I have not yet recovered. +I never wasted any physical energy. In fine, I was steeped in irredeemable +laziness to such a degree that it exceeded that of the Indian who said: +"What's the use to run when you can walk; or walk when you can sit; or sit +when you can lie?" On one occasion, while yet quite young, I was found +trying to limit the number of my respirations, stating that it "tired me +to breathe so often." I often ate and drank more than I really wanted, +hoping thereby not to be troubled with eating and drinking for some little +time. + +My muscles became so soft and flabby from disuse that it was almost +physically impossible for me to run and exercise as other children do. I +was weaker than I really looked to be. I gained the reputation of being a +_good boy_, but the truth was I was too lazy to do anything mean as well +as anything good. I lacked the spirit and vim that the average boy +possesses. While I passed in the "good boy" category, no one stopped to +question the why or the wherefore of my being good. People often speak of +good boys and good babies in a sense of negation. If children do not +indulge in the celestial feat of producing a little thunder occasionally, +they will never attract any more attention than that of being good, which +is sometimes synonymous with being nobody and doing nothing. It is much +easier for the devilish boy to accomplish something if his energy can only +be harnessed along the line of utility. + + +[Illustration: I was weaker than I really looked to be.] + + +When I arrived at school age I learned pretty well and was still regarded +by many as being precocious in this respect; but I acquired knowledge +rather by absorption than by hard study. A soft brick placed in water will +soak up a quart in a few days. A human brick will likewise absorb a bit of +knowledge if he only remains where there is something to be absorbed. As I +did not engage in the usual sports and rampages of boys I took to learning +rather readily. At the same time I became introspective and self-centered. +The brain cells of the most stupid person are constantly in action. +Cerebration goes on whether we will it or not. If we do not direct our +brain it will run riot and lead us into devious and dangerous paths. + +The more I thought of myself, the more important I became; not proud and +supercilious, but simply important to my own little ego. I speculated in +my childish way, on the function of each organ of my body and the relation +it bore to the great scheme which we call existence. One day I got to +wondering what would happen if my heart should take a notion to stop and +rest for a few seconds. The thought of such a catastrophe made me so +nervous that all my organs apparently got out of gear and I had a +diminutive fit. From that day I began to have all sorts of nervous +symptoms, most of which were, to say the least, vague and indefinite. +Frequently I complained that I was afraid "something was going to happen." +Since then, whenever I hear that phrase I invariably associate it with a +person who has nothing to do and who is too lazy to do anything even if he +had ever so many duties. At that time I did not know enough about disease +symptoms to enable me to acquire a perfect ailment of any sort, but later, +when I had formed a speaking acquaintance with diseases, I began to get +them rapidly and in the most typical form. For the present I took life as +easy as I could and had no boyish ambition to be a cowboy or a desperado. +Such ambitions as I did foster were of the free-and-easy sort. + +My first inspiration worth speaking of was after my visit to the circus. +Every male reader has been struck by it some time during his boyhood, and +it is a healthy ambition of which we need not be ashamed. Yes, I was going +to be an acrobat and wear pretty red tights with glittering spangles! It +would be nice, too, I thought incidentally, to be near the little lady who +wore the pink tights and did such awe-inspiring stunts on the +flying-trapeze. The circus sawdust ring and the flapping folds of canvas +may lure boys from books and study, but they give us our first ambition to +be and to do something. Mine was of short duration, however. It came and +went like the circus itself. + +Soon after this I went on an errand to a shoemaker's repair shop, and the +life of a cobbler impressed me favorably. He had such a comfortable seat, +made by nailing some leather straps over a circular hole in a bench. The +man had nothing to do but to occupy this seat and pound pegs. But the very +next week I heard a fine preacher whose roaring eloquence, together with +his easy, dignified life, caused me to think that the pulpit was the +place for me. A few weeks later I chanced to see a sleight-of-hand +performance and I at once decided that the art of legerdemain would be +more easily learned than the Gospel work; so I began to practice along +this line by extracting potatoes and other sundries from the nasal +appendages of members of the household. I was succeeding admirably, I +thought, until one day in attempting to eat cotton and blow fire out of my +mouth I burnt my tongue painfully and became so disgusted that I abandoned +the idea of becoming a showman. + +In turn I had fully made up my mind to become a huckster, an auctioneer, a +scissors-grinder, a peanut-vender, an editor, an artist, a book-keeper, +etc. My natural selection being always something that I thought would not +require great energy. + +As I became a little older, my mental horizon widened somewhat, but my +erratic notions became accordingly more expansive. I was simply a little +dreamer and my thoughts were all visionary. It is true that I was quite +young, but the proverbial straws pointing the direction of the wind had an +application in my case. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +AS A SHIFTLESS AND PURPOSELESS YOUTH. + + +Time passed on--that's about all time does anyway--and my idle habits +still clung to me. In fact they grew stronger and faster than I did. My +moods and whims were subject to many changes, however. Something new and +absurd entered my mind every day. It was usually concerning the reckless +waste of energy. I never indulged in expletives or useless words; never +said "golly," "hully gee," or anything that consumed time and strength +without giving adequate return. Unconsciously I believed in the +conservation of energy. "What's the use?" seemed to be with me a +deep-rooted principle. + +Being now at an age when I could be of some service in doing odd chores +and errands, it was a heavy tax upon my ingenuity always to have a +plausible excuse for getting out of work. When there was a little labor +scheduled for me, I began to work my wits overtime trying to see a way out +of it. Sometimes I became very studious, hoping thus to escape +observation, or I put up the plea that I was sick, tired or worn-out. I +had practiced woe-begone facial expressions until they came to my relief +quite naturally. It seemed to me that on these occasions I was able to +make my face assume an actual pallor. I put off beginning any task until +the very last moment. If, however, all excuses failed and I was compelled +to do some work, I hurried with all my might to get through with it and +thus get the matter off my mind. I have since been told that this hurrying +through a piece of work is characteristic of many lazy people; or they go +to the other extreme and dally along, killing all the time they can. + +Between the ages of ten and twelve I was an omnivorous reader. My literary +bill-of-fare was far-reaching; I read everything. The family almanacs came +in for a careful review. After reading the harrowing details of diseases, +which could only be removed by the timely use of somebody's dope, I always +thought: "That's just the way I feel." But when I turned over a few pages +and read some lady sufferer's testimonial, I was sure that I felt very +much the same myself. All these symptoms, however, assumed a more +tangible form as I advanced in years. + +I liked fairy tales and kindred reading; the more audacious and unreal it +was, the better satisfaction it gave me. With me everything was a sham; I +manifested no interest in real and live things. Nothing but the +namby-pamby appealed to me. I now think that if at that time I could have +been induced to exercise vigorously so as to get some good, red blood +coursing through my veins I might have been different. + +In my case my literary taste was decidedly detrimental to me. Before one +has arrived at a discriminating age, he cannot sit down to every sort of +literary pabulum regardless of consequences. Many parents seem to think +the "Crack-went-the-ranger's-rifle-and-down-came-another-Redskin" +literature the only kind to be placed on the forbidden shelf. The +inspiration to go out and shoot pesky Indians is healthy and commendable +as compared with much other reading matter extant. Any literature that +warps the imagination and weakens the will should be placed on the tabooed +list. In my case, however, the best literature failed to meet with any +responses. Nothing was inclined to spur me into action. I did not care to +read of great exploits; they gave me mental unrest. Once I read that a +person by walking three hours a day would in seven years pass a space +equivalent to the circumference of the globe. This thought staggered me +and I believed there must be something wrong with a fellow who could +conceive such a stupendous undertaking. Surely no one would think for a +moment of putting it into execution! I also read with stolid indifference +of the Herculean feats of labor performed by men known to history. For +example, Demosthenes copied in his own handwriting Thucydides' _History_ +eight times, merely to make himself familiar with the style of that great +man. An incident that appealed to me in a more benign way was this:-- + +"Pray, of what did your brother die?" said the Marquis Spinola to Sir +Horace Vere. "He died, sir," was the answer, "of having nothing to do!" + +That, I thought, must have been an easy death. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +HIS PURSUIT OF AN EDUCATION. + + +When I arrived at an age when my character should have been in some +measure "moulded," I was, like most persons of a peculiar nervous +temperament, very vacillating and changeful. No one knew how to size me +up; in fact, I didn't know myself. I was now constantly developing new, +short-lived ambitions. Occasionally I became industrious for short periods +of time. Indulgent and now prosperous parents provided a way for me to +pursue my little ambitions. I had secured the rudimentary part of an +education and I determined to build upon it. I was going to reach the +topmost rung. + +It was my ambition--for a short time--to obtain a classical education and +become one of the literati; but I soon became weary of one line of study, +and when a thing got to be too irksome I passed it by for something else. +I could not be occupied with any study long unless I seemed to be +progressing in it with marvelous speed. This rapid-transit progress was, +of course, very unusual. I had read that quasi-science, phrenology, and +came to the conclusion that I could not stick to any one thing because my +_bump of "continuity" was poorly developed_. + + +[Illustration: My bump of continuity was poorly developed.] + + +I read that a very learned man used to admire Blackstone; so I dropped +everything and began perusing Blackstone's _Commentaries_. Soon after I +chanced to hear that Oliver Ellsworth gained the greater part of his +information from conversation, and I determined upon this method for a +while. I soon grew tired of it, however, and next took up general history +and literature. While taking my collegiate course, I pursued a number of +different studies, but the pursuit as well as the possession amounted to +very little. I had taken up Greek and Latin and had begun to manifest some +interest in these studies, when a friend, in whom I had some confidence, +advised me against wasting my time on obsolete words. He said: "Learn +English first, young man. I'll wager there are plenty of good Anglo-Saxon +words that you can't pronounce or define. For example, tell me what +'y-c-l-e-p-t' spells and what it means." + +Thus being picked up on a trifling, useless English word, I decided to +give up the study of dead languages and confine myself to my +mother-tongue. Rhetoric and lexicography were hobbies with me for a time, +but before a great while I thought I needed "mental drill"; so I turned my +attention to mathematics. The subject became dry and uninteresting in the +usual length of time; besides, I began seriously to question mathematics +as being in the utilitarian class of studies. Certainly very little of it +was necessary as a business qualification. I recalled the fact that one +of the best business men, in a mediocre station of life, whom I had ever +known, could not write his own name and his wife had to count his money +for him. So I threw away my Euclid and tried something else; but I would +voluntarily tire of each study in a little while, or drop it at the +counter-suggestion of some friend. Thus I changed from one course to +another as a weather-cock is veered by the ever-changing wind to every +point of the compass. + +Then I took up the fad of building air-castles. It is hard to laugh down +this species of architecture--the erection of atmospheric mansions. Every +one has it, in a way, but with me it had broken out in a very virulent +form. It makes one feel mean, indeed, to arouse from one of these Elysian +escapades only to find his feet on the commonest sort of clay. +Day-dreaming never produces the kind of dream that comes true, and mental +speculating is about as useless as indulging in Western mining stock. +Well-laid plans are all right, but ideals that you can't even hope to live +up to have no place in life's calendar. Dabbling with the unattainable is +calculated to sour us on the world and turn the milk of human kindness +into buttermilk. It may be likened to the predicament in which old +Tantalus was placed in the lake, where the water receded when he attempted +to drink it, and delicious fruits always just eluded his grasp. + +Next I got hold of the delusion that I was studying and working too hard. +Goodness knows that what little I did was as desultory and haphazard as it +could well be, but nevertheless I stood in great fear of a dissolution of +my gray matter. Once it seemed to me that my brain was loose in my cranium +and I imagined I could hear it rattling around. I went at midnight to +consult a physician in regard to this phenomenal condition. After I had +described my symptoms, the doctor smiled rather more expansively than was +to my liking and said:-- + +"You may have a little post-nasal catarrh, but I think it is only a +neurosis." + +I thought to myself that if it was "only" a neurosis it was one with great +possibilities. The fact that collapses are frequent among brain-workers +was not easily dismissed from my mind. I feared insanity and began to +picture how I would disport myself in a madhouse. It seemed that I could +not carry out the medical advice to take vigorous exercise, as it gave me +palpitation and made me fear that my heart would go out of business. + +I concluded that the best thing I could do was to take up some fad to +relieve my overworked (?) brain and radiate some of my pent-up energy. I +had read of the fads of great men, but I could not decide after which one +to pattern. Nero was a great fiddler and went up and down Greece, +challenging all the crack violinists to a contest; the king of Macedonia +spent his time in making lanterns; Hercalatius, king of Parthia, was an +expert mole-catcher and spent much of his time in that business; Biantes +of Lydia was the best hand in the country at filing needles; +Theophylact--whom nobody but a bookworm ever heard of--bred fine horses +and fed them the richest dates, grapes and figs steeped in wines; an +ex-president of modern times was fond of fishing and spent much time in +piscatorial pursuits. None of these struck me just right, so I thought I +would be obliged to make a selection of my own. First I tried amateur +photography, but this soon grew monotonous and I gave it up. Next I got a +cornet, but I soon found that it required more wind than I could +conveniently spare. I then tried homing pigeons, but before I had scarcely +given the little aerial messengers a fair test I had thought of a dozen +other things that seemed preferable. Everything proved alike tiresome and +tedious. However, I found that in chasing diversions I had forgotten all +about my imagined infirmities. So perhaps, after all, the end accomplished +justified the means employed to secure it. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +TRIES TO FIND AN OCCUPATION CONDUCIVE TO HEALTH. + + +Indecision marked my life and character and I had no confidence in myself. +Yet I realized that I had an active brain, only that it was misdirected +and running riot. To correct years of improper thinking and living may +seem easy as a theoretical problem, but if one should find it necessary to +put the matter to a practical test on himself, he discovers that it is +like diverting the course of a small river. + +I was sensitive and thought a great deal about myself. Often I entertained +the effeminate notion that people were talking about me, when I ought to +have known that they could easily find some more interesting topic of +conversation. I always went to extremes. I was up on a mountain of +enthusiasm or down in the slough of despondency; always elated or +depressed; optimistic beyond reason or submerged in pessimism; always the +extremes--no happy medium for me. I never met anything on half-way +grounds. + +Being now of mature years, I realized the necessity of settling down to +something, if for no other reason than that I might gain a little more +stability of character. Accordingly, I accepted a position as bookkeeper +in a flour-mill. I remained at it longer than I ever had at anything. +After a few months, however, it seemed that the close confinement indoors +did not agree with me. Sitting in a stooped position over books produced a +soreness in the muscles of my back and I imagined that I had incipient +Bright's disease. I have since learned that the kidneys are not very +sensitive organs and seldom give rise to much pain even in the gravest +disease. _I read up on kidney affections in the almanacs--oh! what +authority!_--and as I had about all the symptoms, I thought it best to put +myself on the appropriate regimen. I began drinking buttermilk, taking it +regularly and in place of water and coffee. I had read that sour milk was +also conducive to longevity, and that if one would drink it faithfully he +might live to be a hundred years old. A friend to whom I had confided this +information said that between swilling down buttermilk a hundred years +and being dead, he preferred the latter. + + +[Illustration: I read up in the almanacs.] + + +There was a decided improvement in my case in some respects, but I began +to acquire new and different symptoms, mainly from reading medicine +advertisements. My name had been seized, as I learned later, by agencies, +and was being hawked around to charlatans and medicine-venders. Yes, some +one had put me on the "invalid list," and when once your name is there it +goes on, like the brook, "forever." The medicine-grafters barter in these +names. I have been told that for first-class invalids they pay the +munificent sum of fifty cents per thousand! I think that a thousand of my +class ought to be worth more--say, six bits! It seemed that I was on +several different lists, among them being "catarrh," "neurasthenia," +"rheumatism," "incipient tuberculosis," "heart disease," "kidney and liver +affections," "chronic invalidism," and numerous others. I was fairly +deluged with letters begging me to be cured of these awful diseases before +it was forever too late. + +One of the symptoms common to all these grave troubles was "indisposition +to work." I knew that I had always suffered from it to the very limit, but +I did not know that it was dignified by being classed as such a common +disease symptom. I also had a number of other abnormal feelings that were +common to most of the ailments described. For example, at times I had +"singing in my ears," "distress after eating too much," +"self-consciousness," and "forebodings of impending danger." I always +experienced great fear lest one of these "forebodings" overtake me +unawares. + +These letters were always "personal," although the type-written name at +the top did not look exactly like the body of the letter. Possibly they +may have been, in advertising parlance, "stock letters." They purported to +be from kind-hearted philanthropists who were in the business of curing +people simply because they loved humanity. Some of them were from persons +who had been cured of something and who now, in a spirit of generosity, +were trying to let others similarly afflicted know what the great remedy +was. + +While I realized that these advertisements were base lies, gotten up to +deceive the sick, or those who think they are sick, and to take their +money in exchange for dope that was worse than useless, yet the diabolical +wording of those sentences affected me in a queer and inexplicable way. +The psychologist would, perhaps, call this a subconscious influence. When +a person gets the disease _idea_ rooted deeply in his mind, as I had it, +he is kept busy watching for new symptoms. It is no trouble at all to get +some new disease on the very shortest notice. + +As a more active occupation seemed necessary for me, I was trying to study +up something new to tackle. Doctors had told me that I needed to be out in +the open air where I could get plenty of exercise and practice deep +breathing. This agreed with me and I seemed to be gaining in strength, but +I came to the conclusion that I might as well turn my exercise into a +useful channel; so I went out into the country and hired myself out to a +farmer. Here I got, in a very short time, a bit more of the "strenuous +life"--a late term--than I had bargained for. We had to get up at four, +milk several cows, and curry and harness the horses before breakfast. We +then kept "humping" until sunset, except during the hour we took for +dinner. On rainy days we were supposed to work in the barn, greasing +harness, shelling seed-corn and "sifting" grass-seed. That old farmer +seemed to realize the verity of the old couplet:-- + + "Satan finds some mischief still, + For idle hands to do." + + +[Illustration: Looking for new symptoms.] + + +The reader will readily imagine how hard labor served me. My muscles were +as sore as if I had been the recipient of a thorough mauling. I tried to +stand the work as long as I could, for I thought it would, like the other +remedies prescribed for me, "do me good." I had been there a week (it +seemed to me an eternity) when, one morning, I was so sore and stiff that +I could not get out of bed. One of the other hired men came to my rescue +and gave me a thorough rubbing with liniment, after which I was able to +crawl down to breakfast. The old skinflint of a farmer then had the +audacity to discharge me, saying that he "didn't want no dood from the +city monkeyin' around in the way, nohow." + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +NEW SYMPTOMS AND THE PURSUIT OF HEALTH. + + +The pursuit of health is like the pursuit of happiness in that you do not +always know when you have either. It may furthermore be likened to chasing +a will-o'-the-wisp that ever keeps a few safe paces ahead of you. The +thought that I had to keep busy at something calculated to promote my +health was a habit that I could not easily relinquish. So now I began to +read up and practice physical culture--which I had always spoken of as +physical torture. I had read that any puny, warped little body could, by +proper and persistent training, be made sturdy and strong. I had no desire +to grow big, ugly muscles that look like knots, but I was effeminate +enough to think that a touch of physical culture might enhance my beauty +as well as make me healthier. + +Calisthenics being an esthetic exercise, I began practicing it with the +usual enthusiasm that marked the beginning of all my undertakings. Before +I had made scarcely any progress I decided that fencing would be of +greater value to me, it being an exercise requiring precision of +movements, thus making it of much value in the development of brain as +well as of muscle. Just about the time my interest in fencing was keyed up +to the highest pitch, the friend with whom I was practicing accidentally +prodded me a little on the shoulder. This scared me into abandoning the +exercise as it seemed fraught with danger. + +Having read that deep and systematic breathing was considered by many as +being the royal road to health for all whose stock of vitality is below +par, I determined to give it a thorough trial. Deep-breathing was a +pleasant exercise and easy to take; I kept it up for some time--perhaps +ten days. Perhaps I might have continued it longer had I not about that +time accepted the invitation of a friend to accompany him on an automobile +tour which required several days. When I returned I was so much improved +in health and spirits that I was looking at life from a new angle. I had +forgotten all about the needs of exercise and deep breathing. + +About this time there was a vacancy in our city schools, occasioned by the +death of a popular teacher, and the School Board reposed sufficient +confidence in me to ask me to take the place. I finished out the term and +gave such satisfaction to pupils and patrons that the Board asked me to +accept the position for the ensuing year at an increased salary. But I +declined, on the ground that my health would not permit it. I was slipping +back into my old ways! New symptoms were appearing, but the old ones, like +old friends, seemed the firmest, and all made their return at varying +intervals. + +Among other things from which I now suffered were insomnia, melancholia, +heart irregularity, and a train of mental symptoms and feelings which +common words could not begin to describe. It would have required an +assortment of the very strongest adjectives and adverbs to have told any +one how I felt. For the first time, my stomach was now giving me a little +trouble and my appetite was off. I went to see a stomach specialist who +looked me over and gravely informed me that I had _psychasthenia +anorexia_. This was a new one on me. For all I knew about the term, it +may have been obsolete swearing. I did not realize then that a little +medical learning to a layman is a dangerous thing. + +This doctor prescribed exercise, as had all the others whom I had ever +consulted. As it was the consensus of medical opinion that I needed +exercise, I thought I would take it scientifically and in the right +manner; so I employed a qualified _masseur_ to give me massage treatment. +I thought passive exercise preferable to the active kind. This fellow, +however, did not try to please me--he insisted on rubbing up when I wanted +him to rub down, and _vice versa_--so I discharged him. Next I took up +swimming and rowing, but one day I had a narrow escape from drowning, so +that gave me a distaste for these things. + +It seemed that I had about exhausted all the physical culture methods that +might be considered genteel and in my class. Perhaps it may be more +literally correct to say that I had formed a nodding acquaintance with the +most of them. + + +[Illustration: Informed me I had psychasthenia anorexia.] + + +One day, as I was wondering what new thing I could annex, the postman +handed me a letter. No psychology about this, for the postman comes +every day and I get letters nearly every day. But this letter contained an +advertisement of an outfit that was guaranteed to increase the stature. +Now I was tall enough, but I had a new vanity that I felt like humoring +just then. When I occasionally appeared at social functions I wanted to be +designated as "the tall, handsome bachelor." I thought that if I went +through a course of exercises stretching my ligaments and tendons it would +also conduce to health and strength. Growing tall ought to be healthy, all +right, I thought. So I got the apparatus--a fiendish-looking thing, +composed of ropes, straps, buckles, and pulleys--and I set it up in an +unused shed. I had taken exercises with it a few days and liked it +first-rate. One evening, about dusk, I went out to take my usual "turn" +and had just put on a head-gear suspended from a rope. This by a sort of +hanging act was to develop and elongate the muscles of the neck. Just as I +swung myself loose, two burly policemen hopped over the fence from the +alley, cut the rope, and were dragging me off to the lock-up in spite of +my pleadings and protests. I tried to assure them that I was not a +lunatic and that I was not bent on suicide. "Shure, thot's what they all +say!" was the cold comfort they gave me. As luck would have it, I at last +discovered that I had in my pocket some of the directions that went with +this new trouble-maker. I prevailed upon these big duffers to read it by +their flashlights, and it had its convincing effect upon them. In disgust +they released me, one saying to the other:-- + +"If I'd knowed thot, I'd let the dom'd fool hang a week!" + +The next day I advertised the apparatus for sale, _cheap_. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE NEURASTHENIC FALLS IN LOVE. + + +In writing this sketch it is the endeavor to carry up the different +emotions and characteristics of my life in all their phases, as well as to +chronicle the vagaries resulting directly from alleged ailments. To do +this without seeming digressions and inconsistencies is not an easy task; +therefore this word of explanation seemed apropos. + +In the affairs of the heart the neurasthenic is, as some one has said of +the heathen Chinee, "peculiar." As I have lived a life of celibacy so +long, I feel free to speak frankly on this matter. After reading this +chapter I am sure that no fair reader will picture me as her matinee idol; +and I am quite sure that no good woman would undertake the shaky job of +making me happy "forever and a day." She could never learn what I wanted +for breakfast. I never know myself, which for the present moment is +neither here nor there. + +When very adolescent I was engrossed in a few exceedingly tame little love +affairs which were of short duration and easy to get over. These little +loves are like mumps and whooping-cough and other youthful affections: +they seem necessary, but seldom prove serious. Aside from these, I had +been proof against the tender passion throughout all that period of my +life when, according to the poet, "a young man's fancy lightly turns to +thoughts of love." While I was getting on in years the love germ was only +sleeping, and when it awakened all the lost time was soon made up. I had +always admired the female sex collectively and at a distance, but +individually no one had ever entered my life until I met Genevieve. The +plot thickens! While temporarily--I did everything temporarily--holding a +position on one of our daily papers, I suddenly became infatuated with +this young lady who occupied a type-writer's desk near my own. She was a +charming girl of twenty and I will dive into the matter by saying that I +was madly in love with her. She gave me every reason to believe that there +were responsive chords touched in her heart, and that my affection was +fully reciprocated. I became wilder every day! I could not be away from +this fair creature who had changed the whole current of my being. I was +supremely happy and looked at life through spectacles different from any I +ever had before. Life had a roseate hue that it had never before +possessed. Music was sweeter, flowers were prettier and pictures brighter +than ever before. I seemed to be walking around in poetry and at the same +time living up near heaven. While all this was true, I was at the same +time miserable--a sort of ecstatic misery. It took away my appetite, made +sleep impossible and filled my life with wavering hopes and fears. The +suspense was killing me! At the first opportunity I threw myself, +metaphorically, at her feet, and unburdened myself about in this manner:-- + +"Darling, you are my love and my life and I cannot, and will not, live +without you. What is your answer? Make up your mind before I do something +desperate. Don't let me over-persuade you, loved one, but if you think I +can make you happy, say the word. My life is in your hands. If you spurn +me I shall pass out of your life forever. Dear one, what will you do? +Pray, speak quickly!" + +She was listening attentively and I repeated the question that I thought +would soon seal my fate: "_What will you do?_" + +My charmer gave vent to a little chuckle and said: "_Suppose we mildew?_" + +That was the proverbial "last straw" with me. Or to multiply similes, my +love was blighted like a tomato plant in an unseasonable frost, and I +vowed that since I was brought to my senses I would never make love to +another woman. + +A few months later I had forgotten this incident. I happened one day to be +reading a book entitled _Ideals_ which gave much information on the +subject of life-mating. As the reader may infer I was still a great +reader. In fact I was a veritable walking-encyclopedia filled with a mass +of information, most of which was of no earthly account. The book in +question had a great deal to say concerning soul affinities, why marriages +were successes or failures, and gave rules for selecting a sweetheart who +would, of course, later bear a closer relationship. The writer thought +somewhere there was a soul attuned to our own, and that sooner or later we +would get in unison. This sounded nice and impressed me favorably, as +most new things did. I recalled that Genevieve was short on the affinity +part of the deal. With the aid of the book, I figured out that my ideal +was a beautiful blonde with soulful eyes, into whose liquid depths I +should some day feastingly gaze. I made up my mind that if ever, in an +unguarded moment, I should again try my hand at love-making, I would +temper it with science and the eternal fitness of things. I now knew how +it should be done. + +Soon after this I was for a short time on the road as a commercial +traveler and had some opportunity to watch for my affinity. I at last was +rewarded by finding her in the daughter of a customer who lived in an +inland town. She, too, was a charming girl, and with me it was a case of +love at first sight. I realized at once that the Genevieve affair was +spurious and not the real thing. I thought how different was this case +with Eleanor--for that was the name my affinity bore. I adored this +queenly little maid with the golden hair, and resolved on my next visit to +her town to ask her to be mine. I was combining business and heart +matters in a way that enabled me to make Eleanor's little city quite +frequently. Unfortunately, before I made a return visit I was bruised up a +little in a railroad wreck, in consequence of which I went to a hospital +for repairs. It was nothing serious, but just enough to incapacitate me +for a few days, and I thought I would fare better in the hospital than at +a hotel. The nurse who attended me was a pretty brunette and she +captivated me. I would lie there and longingly watch for the re-appearance +of her natty uniform and sweet smile. Yes, I was desperately in love with +Josephine, for besides being fair to look upon, she could do something to +add to my comfort. I forgot all about Eleanor and ideals; not because I +was a trifler with the hearts of women, but simply because in this matter, +as in everything, I did not know my own mind. I was very reluctant to +leave the hospital and remained as long as I could. Before going, however, +I made love overtures toward Josephine. That lady smiled, not unkindly, +and then turned and picked up a magazine called _Nurses' Guide_. She +pointed to a bit of colloquy which read as follows:-- + +_Man Patient_--"Will you not promise me (groans) that when I recover (more +groans) you will fly with me?" + +_Fair Nurse_--"Sure, I will; I have just promised a one-legged man who has +a wife and three children to run away with him. I will promise you +anything; _it's a part of the business_." + +Once more I realized that I was simply living on the earth. + +Whenever I found a young woman who combined good looks, real worth and a +practical mind, she was usually engaged to some one else. Perhaps I was +too hard to please. I would for a while admire brunettes and then suddenly +develop a preference for blondes. I would for another short season think +that tall girls were my choice, but in a little while my fancy would +switch around to those who were rather small and petite. Sometimes I +thought that only a woman who possessed musical and literary +accomplishments would ever find favor with me. Then again I would think, +should I ever marry, I would choose some little country lass and train her +up according to my ideas and ideals. So this has been my life-time +attitude toward the feminine half of the world. It is my weakness and not +my fault. In consequence of which, am I to be despised and rejected of +women? + +But, womankind, you have nowhere a more ardent admirer and defender than +you will find in yours truly! + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MORBID FEARS AND FANCIES. + + +It should be remembered that I am now a full-fledged neurasthenic, with +all the rights and privileges that go with the job. Yes, Webster defines a +job as being an undertaking. Neurasthenia is certainly an "undertaking," +therefore it must be a job--a big one at that. It interferes with the +holding of any more remunerative job and consumes most of one's time in +trying to keep his health in a passable condition. I have had positions of +some importance handed to me, which I discharged with eminent satisfaction +to all concerned until I got ready to go off at some new tangent. If I did +not imagine myself in the actual embrace of some grave physical or mental +disease, I feared that something would in the near future attack me; and +that brings me to the main topic of this chapter--morbid fears. + +These foolish, fanciful and often groundless fears are dignified by the +name of "phobias." A man who is afraid of everything should not be dubbed +a low-down coward--he is simply afflicted with "pantaphobia." It doesn't +cost a bit more to be scientific and it carries with it more _eclat_. + +Another one of these fears is agoraphobia--the fear of an open space. A +fellow who has it is afraid to cross an open lot or field, and if he does +make the venture, he carries with him a big stick or some weapon of +defense. This, like many other phobias, is explained by scientists as +being of simian inheritance. Our grandparents who lived in trees a few +thousand years ago had a much tougher struggle for existence than any of +us have today. Tree-tops were their only places of safety. If one of them +happened to fall out of a tree into an open space on the ground where +there was nothing to climb into, he was likely to be attacked by a lion or +a tiger. This always filled the life of our little ancestor with intense +fear and so affected his brain that the impress of it has been handed down +and occasionally crops out in some of us. Our dreams of falling, we are +told, are a vestige of the mental condition experienced by our +monkey-foreparents when they made a misleap and fell to the ground. + +There is also the fear of a confined area, the fear of a crowd, fear of +loss of speech at an inopportune moment, fear of falling buildings, fear +of being alone, fear of poison, fear of germs, fears _ad nauseam_. I have +qualified in all of them and taken post-graduate courses. + +Another one of these fears I shall speak of and in no spirit of levity. It +is too pathetic for pleasantry or jest. It is the fear that you will in +some thoughtless moment, when the occasion is most ill-timed, utter some +vulgar or profane word. These ugly, repulsive words or thoughts will cling +with the greatest tenacity and defy every effort to eradicate them. They +are of a nature entirely foreign to one's disposition and character; for +the neurasthenic, with all his eccentricities, is usually refined and +exemplary. A minister of the Gospel whose life was of almost immaculate +purity stated that the word "damn" often tortured his life and caused him +to fear that he would give it an untimely utterance. I have found that +many persons are similarly afflicted, but are rather reluctant to let +their fears be known. + +Hydrophobia demands a few words. A few times in childhood I was scratched +by a dog, in consequence of which I stood in mortal fear of hydrophobia. +It was a popular belief that the poison of rabies might lie latent in the +system and not manifest itself until years after. This belief obtains with +many people to-day. The "madstones" in the possession of many credulous +people help to perpetuate the fear of this awful disease. As a matter of +fact, the madstone is simply a porous rock which may adhere to a warm, +moist surface and exert an absorbent action. Any poison introduced under +the skin is disseminated through the system in less than two minutes. If +the doctor ever gave you a hypodermic, your knowledge on this point is +convincing. The folly then of applying something, days or weeks later, to +absorb the poison of a mad-dog's bite from a localized spot is at once +apparent. Any owner of one of these stones who hires it out should be +prosecuted for getting money under false pretense, and then dealt with by +the humane societies for engendering morbid and groundless fears. + +Scientific men are yet divided on the question as to whether or not +hydrophobia is a _bona fide_ disease, or whether it is only a functional +disturbance in which the element of fear predominates. No hydrophobia germ +has ever been isolated, and when the doctors these days can't find a germ +to fit a disease, it looks as if there was something wrong. It has many +times been demonstrated that persons of a susceptible nature can be scared +to death. But I don't care how much assurance I get from scientific +sources, I can't get over the habit of being a little exclusive in regard +to uncanny canines. + +There is scarcely a disease or a symptom that I ever heard of that has not +at some time preyed upon my mind lest I become a victim of it. These fears +are hard to throw off or laugh out of existence when once they have become +a part of your very being. In order to avert untoward conditions which I +thought might overtake me, I have changed from one occupation to another +about as often as the man in the moon modifies his physiognomy. In making +these changes I have often found it about like dodging an automobile to +get hit by a street car. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +GERMS AND HOW HE AVOIDED THEM. APPENDICITIS. + + +Morbid fears have been briefly mentioned. It may now be in order for me to +chronicle some of the hygienic measures that I have pursued with a view to +averting diseases to which I thought I might succumb. In a former chapter +I reported having subjected myself to many rigid conditions in the hope of +ridding myself of infirmities which I then had. Now I am looking to the +future with the idea that prevention is better than cure. + +The germ theory gave me a great deal of worry. I learned a bit about it +and some of the habits of the ubiquitous bacillus. In this matter the +little learning was, as usual, a dangerous thing. Germs were constantly on +my mind, if not in my brain. It seemed that they were ever lying in wait +for me and there was no avenue of escape. Sometimes my scrupulous care in +trying to ignore the microbe caused me to be the subject of unfavorable +comment. Once, at communion service, I took pains to give the cup a +thorough rubbing before putting it to my chaste lips. It had just passed +an unkempt and unwashed brother, and for my little act of circumspection I +gained his ill-will. However, on the next occasion the cup came direct to +me from the lips of a good-looking young woman and I remember that I did +not take the usual precautions. This shows how inconsistent I was. I have +since learned that some of the most virulent germs are to be found in the +mouths of young ladies of the "Gibson-girl" type. + +When I was necessarily obliged to quench my thirst at a public +drinking-place I drank up close to the _right_ side of the handle of the +cup, as I thought that would be the spot least contaminated. In order not +to breathe any more germs than I could possibly avoid, I kept away from +theatres and places where motley crowds assemble and shunned dust and +impure air as I would a leper. I had read that there was on the market a +sanitary mask to be worn when going to places where there was the greatest +danger of coming into contact with germs, but I did not think that I could +work up sufficient nerve to appear in public muzzled in this way. I knew +from reading how many million microbes of different kinds there are +inhabiting every cubic inch of air, and it was indeed appalling to think +what even one of them would do for me if it chanced to hit me in a +vulnerable spot. I did the best I could and kept my windows open wide both +day and night, that some of these little imps of Satan might ride out on +the breeze. _On a cold day I would sit shivering with my overcoat and +heavy wraps on, while the wind was blowing a hurricane through any room._ +At this some of the neighbors were wont to smile, but when they rather +intimated that I was a little off I reminded them that Columbus and all +other men who lived in advance of the times were regarded as hopeless +lunatics. + + +[Illustration: The wind was blowing a hurricane through my room.] + + +One evening when I went to bed with my windows open as usual the weather +was quite warm, but the temperature suddenly fell during the night and I +chilled, in consequence of which I nearly had pneumonia. After that I +thought it best to exclude some of the elements and try to put up with the +germs. I went to the other extreme of avoiding fresh air. My main reason +for doing so was that I read that one could become immune to his own brand +of germs--the kind that constantly live in your own house and eat your own +food. I thought this seemed reasonable, on the same principle that parents +can get used to their own children easier than they can to other people's +pestiferous brats. I don't know that there is science about any of +this--no means of escape is all there is to it. + +Of late years I have changed my opinion regarding germs, the same as I +have done over and over regarding everything else. We are all apt to think +that the only good germs are like good Indians--dead ones. Perhaps most of +these microscopic creatures are conservative and play some useful part in +life's economy if we only knew what it is. Then we don't know whether +microbes are the cause or the product of disease--just as we don't know +which came first, the hen or the egg. What we don't know in this matter +would make a stupendous volume. At any rate it is of no use to run from +germs, for they are omnipresent. + +Appendicitis was a disease that I spent much time in battling. I read up +on it and knew all the symptoms. I went to the public library and hunted +up a Gray's _Anatomy_ and studied the appendix. It seemed to be a little +receptacle in which to side-track grape-seeds and other useless rubbish. I +would no sooner have knowingly swallowed a grape- or a lemon-seed than I +would a stick of dynamite. I would not eat oysters lest I get a piece of +shell or even a pearl into my vermiform appendix. I was exceedingly +careful never to swallow anything which I thought might contain a gritty +substance. I had once heard a lecturer on hygiene and sanitation speak of +the limy coat which forms on the inside of our tea-kettles from using +"hard" water. He stated that in time we would get that sort of crust +inside of us from drinking water which contained mineral matter. I thought +how easy it would be for some of it to chip off and slip into the appendix +and set up an inflammation. So to be on the safe side, I thought I would +try drinking spring water for a while, but it gave me a bad case of +malaria. I then came to the conclusion that between being dead with +chills and having an inner concrete lining I would choose the latter, +which seemed the lesser evil. But with some friend being operated upon for +appendicitis nearly every day I could not easily dismiss this disease from +my mind. Yet I realized that it was a high-toned disease and also a +high-priced one, and that most fellows with my commercial rating are +immune from it. + +I happened to be visiting a friend in a small town, for a few days, and +was acquiring a voracious appetite. One evening I was seized with a sudden +pain, and I knew the dread disease had come at last. The doctor came. He +was an old-fashioned fellow without any frills, but he had what books and +colleges do not always bestow--a head full of common sense. I said:-- + +"Doctor, will it have to be done to-night?" + +"What done?" asked the doctor. + +"Because," I replied, putting my hand on my left side, where the pain was, +"I have appendicitis and I supposed----" + +"My friend," said this well-seasoned physician, "you are perhaps not aware +of the fact that the appendix is on the _right_ side." + +My knowledge of anatomy had betrayed me. + +The old doctor then gave me this homely advice, which may or may not be +correct. At any rate I never forgot it. He said:-- + +"You've been eating too much and have a little indigestion and +stomach-ache. But like thousands of others who have fertile imaginations, +you have appendicitis--on the brain. People rarely had this disease thirty +years ago. Why should they have it so frequently to-day? Is the human body +so radically different from what it was a few years ago? I have been +practicing my profession here for twenty-five years and during all this +time I have seen very few cases of severe appendicitis, and those +recovered under common-sense medical treatment. There may be an occasional +case that requires the surgeon's knife, but such are exceedingly rare." + +I have never since had a symptom of the disease, and somehow I can't help +associating _appendicitis_ with _hospitalitis_. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +DIETING FOR HEALTH'S SAKE. + + +Next I must say something about my dietetic ventures. I have at one time +and another eaten everything and again eschewed everything in the way of +diet, all for the sake of promoting health and longevity. I had read +somewhere that a man is simply a reflex of what he puts into his stomach, +and also that by judicious eating and drinking he may easily live to be +one hundred years old. I started out to reach the century milestone. Why I +wanted to attain an unusual age I am unable to explain, for I am sure that +my life was not so profitable to myself or to anybody else. But that is +another story. + +I dieted myself in various ways. It seemed to be on the "cut and try" +plan, for when one course of regimen proved disappointing, I very promptly +tried something else--usually the very opposite. I was very fond of +coffee, but I read that it was the strongest causative factor in the +production of heart disease. In medicine advertisements in the newspapers +I saw men falling dead on the street as a result of heart failure--always +the same man, it is true; but that made little difference to me. I cut out +both tea and coffee and drank only milk and water. When I got to reading +about tuberculous cows and the action of State Boards of Health and public +sanitarians in the matter, I became afraid to continue drinking milk. Next +I drank only cocoa for a short season. + +I took two or three health magazines, but the opinions contained therein +were so conflicting that it was a difficult matter for me to follow any of +them. For example, in one of them I read that no person who ate pickles, +vinegar and condiments could hope to live to a healthy, green old age. +Another stated that good vinegar and condiments in moderation caused the +gastric fluids to flow and thus materially aided in the process of +digestion. + +For awhile I was a confirmed vegetarian. The idea of man slaughtering +animals to eat was repulsive to me in the extreme. I recalled that the +good Creator had in Holy Writ spoken of giving His children all kinds of +fruits and herbs for food, but had not said much about edible animals. An +argument against flesh-eating was the fact that some of our strongest +animals, the horse, the ox and the elephant, never touch meat. I followed +the vegetarian system of dietetics for some time, and while it seemed to +agree with me, I had some misgivings as to whether or not it was the best +thing for me. The thought happened to occur to me that, after all, we had +a few powerful animals that subsist almost wholly upon the animal kingdom. +Among these were the lion, the tiger and the leopard. The argument that +all the strong animals eat only herbs and fruits was here knocked +galley-west. I began eating meat again, although as I now look at my +actions in this matter I can see no earthly reason why I should have +turned either herbivorous or carnivorous. There was certainly no sense in +trying to make a horse or a tiger out of myself. + +One day I thought I would look up a few points regarding the relative +value of foods from a scientific basis. In my chemistry I ran across a +table giving the quantity of water contained in certain foods. I found +that about everything I had been eating was the aqueous fluid served up +in one way or another. Here is a part of the table:-- + + Per cent. water + Watermelon .98 + Cabbage .92 + Carrots .83 + Fish .81 + Cucumbers .97 + Beets .88 + Apples .80 + Meat .75 + + +That was an eye-opener. I was getting less than 10 per cent. of +nourishment in nearly everything that I ate. Thus, I should be obliged to +eat nearly a hundred cucumbers and as many heads of cabbage to get one of +the real thing. I was afraid that I was imposing upon the good nature of +my stomach in asking it to digest so much water and debris in order to get +a little nutriment into my system. I thought it would be better to drink +the water as such and take my food in a more concentrated form. The body +being composed of proportionately so much more fluids than solids, I +concluded that plenty of pure water with a minimum quantity of food would +be worthy of trial. For a little while I drank water copiously, and each +day ate only an egg and a small piece of toast, with an occasional apple +or orange thrown in mainly to fill up. + +When a new kind of food--a cereal product, it was supposed to be--appeared +on the market and was heralded as a great life-giver, I became one of its +faithful consumers. There were some fifteen or twenty of these and I had +eaten in succession nearly all of them--I mean my share of them. It read +on the boxes: "Get the habit; eat our food," and I was doing pretty well +at it until I met with a discouragement. One day I met a traveling man who +told me that in a town in Indiana where there was a breakfast-food +factory, hundreds of carloads of corn-cobs were shipped in annually and +converted into these tempting foods. My relish for this article of diet +left me instanter. + +I partook of one kind of dietary for a while and then changed to something +so entirely different that my stomach began to rebel in earnest. My +appetite became very capricious. Sometimes I got up at one or two in the +morning and went to a night restaurant nearby and would try my hand, or +rather my stomach, on a full meal at this most unseasonable hour. Then at +times quite unseemly I would get such an insatiable appetite for onions, +peanuts, or something, that it was only appeased by hunting up the thing +desired. I began taking syrup of pepsin to artificially digest my food and +thus take some of the burden off my stomach. A friendly druggist took +sufficient interest in me to inform me that there was not enough pepsin in +the ordinary digestive syrups and elixirs to digest a mosquito's dinner. +When asked why this ferment was omitted from such preparations, the +druggist confided to me in a whisper: "Pepsin is a drug that costs money, +while diluted molasses is cheap." + +As I had apparently not made much of a success at dieting myself, I +thought I would consult a physician who called himself a specialist on +"metabolism." I first thought the name had some reference to metals, but I +found out differently. This man gave me what he was pleased to term a +"test breakfast," for the purpose of diagnosing my case. Now, good +friends, if you never had a "test breakfast" from one of these +ultra-scientific men, you are just as well off in blissful ignorance of +it. Take my word for it, it is also calculated to put your good nature to +the test. This doctor found out everything that I was eating and then told +me to eat just the opposite. + +A few weeks later I went to see another specialist of the same kind. I +wanted to compare notes. This man, too, inquired carefully into what I was +eating. I knew at once that he wanted to prescribe something different. +Sure enough, when I told him what my bill-of-fare now was he threw up his +hands and said: "Man, those things will kill you!" He told me to go back +to my former diet. + +So many doctors act on the presumption that we are doing the wrong thing. +It reminds me of this little conversation between a mother and her +nurse-maid:-- + +_Mother_--"Martha, what is Johnnie doing?" + +_Martha_--"I don't know, mum." + +_Mother_--"Well, find out what he is doing _and tell him to stop it this +very minute_." + +By the way, I learned a few things in an experimental process about the +great subject of alimentation. No matter much what we eat, the system +appropriates what elements it wants. The taste bulbs were planted in our +mouths for a useful purpose. Our taste is about the surest index to the +body's requirements in the matter of nourishment. If our appetite calls +for a thing and it tastes all right, it will do us good whether it be +carbo-hydrate or hydro-carbon or something else. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +TELLS OF A FEW NEW OCCUPATIONS AND VENTURES. + + +Only casual mention has been made for a while concerning my occupations. +The reader may imagine that in the pursuit of health I found no time to +engage in the usual avocations of life. If such be your opinion I would +say, be at once undeceived. The neurasthenic has the faculty of being able +to turn off more work of a varied and useless character than any person +living. I had a fund of information, mainly of a superficial nature, but +it enabled me to turn my hand to a great many different things. I had once +studied shorthand and I put this acquirement to what I thought was a +useful purpose. I carried a number of note-books and took down everything +that I saw or heard. Whenever a man of reputed wisdom was heard speaking, +either from the rostrum or in private conversation, I was busy in the +mechanical act of writing it down, and in so doing failed to get from the +talk that inspiration which is so often more important than the mere +words of the story. I had such a mess of notes in these little hooks and +crooks that I never found time to hunt anything up and read it over. In +fact, I doubt whether in all this rubbish I could have found anything I +wanted had I searched ever so long. Still I obtained considerable +information, mainly as I did when a boy, by absorption. + +I was full of tables and statistics. By keeping some of these in my brain +in an easy place to get at them when wanted, I was able to formulate rules +and plans for almost any condition that might arise. By unloading abstruse +and unusual facts at the proper time and place I gained the reputation of +being a very shrewd fellow, but I was always careful to introduce subjects +in which my assertions were likely to go unchallenged. I had established +the habit of reasoning by deduction and analogy, and would often startle +people by what they thought was my profound wisdom. I had a system of cues +by which I tried to cultivate a memory so tenacious that nothing could +escape me, but this proved a great deal like my voluminous note-taking. It +often crowded out some things of the most vital importance; besides, I +often forgot my cues--just as one ties a string in his button-hole to keep +from forgetting something and then forgets to look at the string. + +By my suave manners and versatile speech I was enabled to work myself into +the good graces of people and thus obtain desirable positions. But always +on some pretext I shifted from one thing to another. Once I held for a +short time a very remunerative place in a banking establishment, but I got +to thinking that in case of robbery or defalcation I might be unjustly +accused; so I promptly handed in my resignation. Through the +recommendations of influential friends I was next able to secure a +Government clerkship which I held for a few months. My reason for +remaining with it so long was perhaps due to the fact that I became +interested in social problems and I was in touch with a class of people +from whom I could obtain valuable ideas. As soon as I thought I had +mastered the intricacies of socialism, I started out on a lecture tour. I +wanted to enlighten benighted humanity on economic matters and unfold to +it a scheme that would lift the burden of poverty from its shoulders. If +I could get this feasible plan of mine in operation, with the proper +distribution of wealth and everybody compelled to work just a little, we +could all have a tolerable easy time. The poor, over-worked and under-fed +people would then have a chance to read and cultivate their minds. It did +not occur to me at the time that among the wealthy who had oceans of time +there was a paucity of mind cultivation. + +The lecture was a failure; my ideas were too far in advance of the times, +and I realized as never before that great movements, like great bodies, +must move slowly. However, two or three wealthy and enthusiastic +co-workers came to my financial rescue right nobly. I could usually find +some one fool enough to "back up" any scheme I might see fit to project. + +The next thing I conceived was to work to the front in a manufacturing +industry of some kind. I had read that, for mastering all the details of a +business, there was nothing like beginning at the ground and working up. +Nearly all men of affairs had begun in that way; why should I not? +Accordingly I started in as a laborer in a foundry with the full +determination of forging to the front. But the first day I burned my hand +and I at once gave up the idea of ever becoming a captain of industry. + +Having dabbled in literary work a little at odd times I had obtained a +slight recognition as a writer. My vivid imagination had impressed two or +three magazine editors favorably. One of these in particular called for +more of my short stories, and in his letter occurred these sentences:-- + +"You have what is known to psychologists as 'creative imagination,' but +you paint your pictures in a plausible manner. You are great on synonyms: +seldom use a word of any length more than once in the same manuscript; and +last, but not least, your diction is so clear and concise that it seems to +the reader that you are talking to him." + +This swelled me up with conceit and I thought if these words be true, why +should I bury my talents in a little magazine in exchange for a paltry +twenty-five dollars per thousand words? I would write a play and do +something worth while. Just as I had the skeleton of the play well formed +and a good start made on it, I came into the possession of a few thousand +dollars by the death of an uncle in California. I at once invested the +money in a farm--the most sensible thing I ever did. Now I thought that I +would move to the country and live the life of a retired country +gentleman. The seclusion of rural life would better enable me to put vim +and inspiration into my literary efforts. But I found that the farm was +too lonesome, with only hired help about me, so I secured a tenant and +hied back to my city quarters. + +These are only a few of my undertakings. Everything was "for a short +time." This phrase occurs monotonously often, a fact of which I am not +unaware, but I don't know how to obviate it. + +While most of my ventures have been failures, as the world reckons +failure, yet they have all been a source of satisfaction to me. Some day I +feel that I shall find a life-work that will be to my liking and have a +salutary effect upon me mentally and physically. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +TRIES A NEW BUSINESS; ALSO TRAVELS SOME FOR HIS HEALTH. + + +As the reader may have already surmised, the play mentioned in the +preceding chapter was never finished. No; after I was once more domiciled +in my city home, I began to think that if I really was a literary genius I +ought to commercialize my ideas right, instead of using them in fiction or +drama simply to tickle the fancy of people who would forget it all in a +moment's time. The idea of teaching things by mail occurred to me as being +a field of great possibilities. + +While it is a difficult matter to give tangible lessons by correspondence +methods on some subjects--swimming, for example--yet on nearly everything +there may be presented a working knowledge which the student can enlarge +upon for himself. I employed some auburn-haired typewriters and began +advertising to teach several different subjects by mail courses. Among +these were journalism, poultry-raising, bee-culture, market-gardening, +surveying, engineering, architecture, and several different things. We +gave our graduates a nice diploma with some blue ribbon and cheap tinsel +on it. These diplomas cost about twenty cents apiece to get them up, which +seemed like a reckless waste of money, but it helped to advertise the +business. Business came and we hadn't much to do except to deposit the +money and, incidentally, send out the "stock letters," which the girls +always jokingly called the "lessons." + +One day one of the typewriters called my attention to the fact that for +originality I had been outdone by a fellow at Peoria, Illinois, who +advertised in the leading magazines to teach ventriloquism by mail. This +was certainly an innovation in the way of mail instruction. I thought a +little while about something entirely new that I could introduce. I soon +had it! I got up a correspondence course in courting for the purpose of +straightening out the crooked course of true love. I argued that nearly +everything else had been simplified save courting, which went on in the +old laborious manner with lovers' quarrels, heartaches, and ofttimes +life-time estrangements. The course was a success and many wrote for +"individual" instruction. + +Things were going well and I had a lucrative business. I had been so busy +for several months that all my symptoms had sunk into desuetude. I had +almost forgotten that I was an invalid and that I should take care of my +precious health, what little I had left, when the thought occurred to me, +as it had several years before, that I was working too hard. Then, too, I +became a little conscience-stricken. My conscience had never before +troubled me, probably from the fact that I had never worked it overtime. I +began to think that in these correspondence courses I might not be giving +my patrons value received for their money. A pretty record for me to leave +behind me, I thought. So as I had a competency anyway, I paid off my +helpers and went out of business. + +As I now thought I was again on the very edge of a nervous breakdown, I +concluded to travel for my health. Where to go was the next question! A +medical friend suggested a sea-voyage, but advised me to first take a sail +for a day or so on Lake Michigan. I did so and became so seasick that +death would have been joyously welcomed. I did not take the proposed +voyage, as I had had enough. + +But the germ that prompted me to travel for my health had a firm grip on +me. Colorado was my first objective point, and on the first day of my +arrival there I went to the top of one of their snow-capped mountains. I +had not taken into account the effects of altitude upon a person not +accustomed to it, and in consequence of my sudden ascent I had a slight +expectoration of blood. This seemed to be cause for genuine alarm, and I +now realized that I was to be a victim of "the great white plague," +vulgarly known as consumption. Consumptives were as thick as English +sparrows in Colorado and I saw ample evidences of the disease in all its +horrible details. It seemed that there was a sort of caste among the +"lungers," depending mainly upon their amount of ready cash. Some had +plain "consumption," while others had only "tuberculosis." Many had "lung +trouble," "catarrh," "bronchitis," and--"neurasthenia." + +The patients in the sanitariums were graded. The most advanced cases were +called the "B. L. B's."--"The Busted Lung Brigade." It seems that there +is no condition too grim for joke and jest. On all sides there were +coughing and expectorating and suffering and dying, sufficient to dismay +the stoutest heart--and I a victim myself, I thought. + +I heard that the torrid southwest was the ideal climate for tuberculosis +and thither I went. I visited a few places in this hot southwestern +country where it is alleged that consumptives in all stages soon recover +and grow fat. I soon learned that these alluring reports should be taken +with the usual quantity of saline matter. This boosting of climate for +invalids, I found, was mainly the work of land sharks, railroads, hotel +and sanitarium people, and a few medical men who were crafty or misguided. +This climate may be ideal in being germ-free, but where it is so hot and +dry that even germs can't eke out an existence, it is also a trifle trying +on the tender-foot consumptive. I found that the bad water and sand-storms +in many localities, coupled with his homesickness, more than off-set all +the good results the climate could otherwise bring to the sufferer. + +In nearly every room I occupied while in this Mecca for consumptives, the +place had been rendered vacant by my predecessor having moved out--in a +box. I did not stay in one locality very long, but visited a number of +places that were exploited as being the land of promise for all afflicted +with this agonizing disease. Everywhere I went I saw hundreds of victims +being shorn of their money and deriving meager, if any, benefits. The +native consumptives went elsewhere in search of health, it being another +case of "green hills _far away_." Many went so far as the State of Maine. + +Every State in the Union has at some time been lauded as the favored spot +for the cure of consumption, but, after all, it seems as mythical as the +pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some climates may be better than +others for those ill with this disease, but if you are a poor, homesick +sufferer--a stranger in a strange land--I doubt whether the best climate +on earth can vie with the comforts of home, surrounded by those nearest +and dearest to you, and whose kindly administrations are not to be +regarded as a case of "love's labor lost." + +I returned home "much improved in health." Don't think I've had a +tuberculous symptom since. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +TRIES A RETIRED LIFE; IS ALSO AN INVESTIGATOR OF NEW THOUGHT, CHRISTIAN +SCIENCE, HYPNOTIC SUGGESTION, ETC. + + +Having now decided upon a retired life in earnest, I had nothing to do but +to look after my health and enjoy myself as best I could. I would settle +down and have a good time after a genteel fashion and, as the poet says: +"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." I would cultivate the little niceties +and amenities that go to embellish and round out one's life and character. +I would add a few touches to enhance my personal charms. I would manicure +my nails; iron out my "crow feet"; bleach out my freckles; keep my hair +softened up with hirsute remedies, and my mustache waxed out at the proper +angle. Whenever I appeared in society I did not mean to take a back seat +or be a wall-flower, realizing that bachelors of my age and standing were +very popular in a social way. However, I did not intend to get entangled +in the meshes of love again, remembering the Genevieve-Eleanor-Josephine +affairs. No wedding bells for me! + +Yes, I would take life easy and I was always thinking, "next week I shall +go to work enjoying myself." But time slipped along and somehow I could +not get started in on the road to happiness. As I had nothing else to do I +could not understand why I should not be supremely happy. But I found it +hard work doing nothing; I could not enjoy myself at it. + +Again I began to grow introspective and melancholy, and soon had a return +of all my symptoms of old. They all came trooping in to pay me a visit for +the sake of auld lang syne. How should I treat them? To get rid of +unwelcome visitors often requires study and tact. I had tried about all +the "health and hygiene" rules that had ever been invented. But while this +was true, I take a certain degree of pride in saying that among all the +absurd measures to which I have resorted, I never made a practice of +taking dopes and cure-alls. There are depths to which a self-respecting +neurasthenic will not stoop. One of these is taking patent medicines and +nostrums. Whenever an individual has descended so low that he imbibes +these things, he has gotten out of our class and has become a common, +every-day fiend. No, the neurasthenic is no commonplace fellow. He may +undergo a useless operation for appendicitis, but he will not swill down +dirty dopes. His office is high-toned and esthetic. Perhaps that is the +main reason why he is so often reluctant to give it up and be cured. He +may display morbid fears and fancies that border on lunacy, and he may do +some freakish and atrocious things, but for all that he is usually a man +of good points and perhaps superior attainments. Our cult is respectable +and made up of gentlemen who seldom defile their mouths or stomachs with +tobacco, cigarettes, impure words or patent medicine. + +But I could not refrain from doing something for my health's sake. After +taking a little mental survey of the past, I saw at once that all of +nature's methods had, at one time and another, been called into my +service. It seemed to be an unconscious rule of action on my part never to +do the same thing twice if it could be avoided. Now I resolved to invade +the realm of the speculative and unseen by dipping into New Thought. The +subject seemed to be fascinating, although one in which there was still +something to be learned. The psychic research people claimed to have +telepathy and thought transference about on a paying basis. I thought that +if I could get some strong "health waves" permeating my system it would do +me good. The thing to do was to get my psychic machinery attuned to that +of some good healthy, clean-minded individuals who were skilled in this +line of business. I attended the meetings of a Theosophy Mutual Admiration +Society and tried to get some of their wholesome thoughts worked into my +system. It seemed to act nicely and the results were gratifying, but I was +of the opinion that perhaps Christian Science was better adapted to my +needs. It would be a stunner to be able to address a little speech about +like this to myself:-- + +"The joke is on you, old chap; you don't feel any of those symptoms you +have complained of all these years. Why? Well, because you haven't anybody +and haven't anything to feel with. Mind is all there is to you +and--and--and I'm afraid there is not enough of it to give you much +trouble." + +I liked Christian Science pretty well, although the name seemed to me +somewhat of a misnomer. The main part of it consisted in trying to make me +believe that nothing is or ever was. Just a great big, overgrown +imagination. However, I cannot refrain from perpetrating that old gag +about their taking real money for what they did for me. + +I soon dropped science and was treated by hypnotic suggestion. I would +seat myself in an easy-chair midst seductive surroundings and the great +metaphysician would then say: "Put your objective senses in abeyance with +complete mental oblivion, and enter a state of profound passivity." This +interpreted into plain United States would mean: "Forget your troubles and +go to sleep." When I was in a suggestible mood the doctor would address a +little speech to what he called my subconscious mind, after which he sent +me on my way rejoicing. About this time a friend advised me to consult a +vibrationist, which I did. + +This man told me that the trouble in my case was in my polarization; not +enough positive for the negative elements. However, he assured me that I +could be cured by sleeping with my head to the northwest and wearing his +insulated soles inside my shoes. I postponed taking this treatment until +after I had heard from an astrologist to whom I had written. The latter +agreed to tell me all I cared to know about myself and my ailments, which +he would deduce from the date of my birth. His graphic description of the +diseases to which I was liable gave me a favorable impression of his +astute wisdom. So I wrote to about a dozen other astrologists for +horoscopes of my life in order to see whether all their findings were the +same. Some of them tallied almost verbatim with the first one received, +while others were diametrically opposite. From this I inferred that these +star-gazers gained their information in at least two ways: from their +imaginations and from a book. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CULTIVATION OF A FEW VICES AND THE CONSEQUENCES. + + +When I found that I couldn't possibly do nothing--I do not mean this in +the ungrammatical sense in which it is so often used--I thought I would be +obliged to take up some new calling or diversion. Time hung heavily on my +hands and I thought too much about myself, as usual. A mental healer had +told me that I was too imaginative and thought of too many different +things. He said: "A part of the time try to think of absolutely nothing; +think of yourself." I did not know whether he meant this literally or as a +bit of sarcasm. Anyway, I realized that it was best for me to keep the ego +in subjection so far as possible. But to what new things could I now turn +in order to divert my mind from myself and my ailments? + +I had always led a life very exemplary and free from even the petty vices +usually indulged in by the best of men. I had never engaged in the little +pleasantries and frivolities that might be of questioned propriety. I +would often remark that I had never had a cigar between my teeth, never +had uttered a cuss word, never kissed a girl, and so on. For this my +friends would sometimes twit me and say: "Old boy, you don't know what +you've missed!" Another quotation rung in my ears was: "Be good and you'll +be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun!" So I thought I would pursue a +different course for a while. It was an awful thing to do, but I was set +upon putting it to the test: I would cultivate a few delicate vices. + +One day, when a very good friend was visiting me, I thought I would begin +on my course of depravity. The first lesson would be in swearing. When an +opportunity presented itself, I uttered a word that I thought was strong +enough for an amateur to begin on. It stuck in my throat and nearly choked +me. My friend laughed and looked both amused and ashamed. Reader, if you +have lived to maturity and never indulged in profanity, you can't imagine +how awkward it will be for you to turn out your first piece of swearing. +You can't do it justice. With no disposition to want to sermonize on the +matter I would say, don't begin. I have seen several women--or rather +females--who could beat me swearing all hollow. + +Next, I thought I'd try smoking. In theory only I knew some of the +seductive effects of My Lady Nicotine. I would experience the reality. I +purchased a box of cigars, and in making my selection I depended mainly +upon the label on the box, as women do when they buy birthday cigars for +their husbands. When I got in seclusion I took out one and smoked about an +inch of it. Pretty soon things began going round and an eruption occurred +inside of me. Words are inadequate to describe how sick I became, so I +shall not make the attempt. It is needless to state that I at once +abandoned the idea of ever being able to extract any satisfaction from +tobacco fumes. + +No more self-contamination for me, I thought. But soon after these events +another friend prevailed upon me to sample with him a most excellent brand +of champagne. The blood mounts to my cheeks in "maidenly" shame as I now +chronicle the occurrence. This friend said: "You don't know what a feeling +of exhilaration and well-being a little good champagne will give you. Try +it once; don't associate it with common alcoholic stimulants." Those last +words, well-meant but, to me, misleading, caused me to make a spectacle of +myself for a short period of time. While I partook of this fizzing +beverage lightly, the reader will understand how readily the stuff +affected my susceptible system and how quickly it went to my head. And +then it seemed to have staying qualities. The next morning I was crazier +than ever, but toward evening I crawled out on the lawn in a secluded +corner. The fresh air did me good, but for several hours I had to hold on +to the grass _to keep from dropping off the earth_. + +Here I halted on my road to ruin. I resolved that between remaining a +neurasthenic who enjoyed the respect and esteem of a large circle of +friends, and becoming a depraved wretch, I would choose the former. I had +no ambition to become a sport or a rounder, but would continue the even +tenor of my former way and stick to those things in which I could indulge +without moral or mental reservations. + +Now, whenever I see a bibulous man, it brings to my mind visions of that +one experience and how I was compelled to hold on for dear life to keep +from falling into space. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +CONSIDERS POLITICS AND RELIGION. CONSULTS OSTEOPATHIC AND HOMEOPATHIC +DOCTORS. + + +By this time I was beginning to get tolerably well acquainted with myself. +The reader may perhaps think--if he cares enough to think--that I did not +enjoy life; but I did in my evanescent, changeful way. I was always +wavering between optimism and pessimism. Some days one of these qualities +would predominate and some days the other would be in evidence. I never +knew one day what the next would bring forth. I came to understand myself +so well that I never started anything with the determination to carry it +to a finish. + +I thought about entering politics, but did not know with what party to +cast my affiliations. The Democrats and the Republicans both claimed to +favor a judicious revision of the tariff as well as a yearning to bridle +the trusts and money power. So did the Populists. Each of them had plenty +of plans for solving the vexed and ever-present problem of capital and +labor. Each party espoused the cause of the masses who toil, and each +likewise favored laws which would enable one to get the highest price if +he had labor or products to sell; or if one happened to be in the market +as a buyer he would, of course, get these things cheap. Their rules seemed +to effect a compromise by working both ways. Out of all these conflicting +and chaotic ideas I knew that I would be unable to decide upon any set of +issues and stay with them a fortnight. So, as I view the matter now, I +think I displayed unusual strength of character in staying out of +politics. + +The same puzzling situation confronted me in regard to matters of the +church. There were those who were very firm in the conviction that +immersion was the only true way of being introduced into the church; +others thought pouring was good enough; while still others considered +sprinkling all that was essential to pass the portals. Some believed in +infantile baptism, while a few good, religious people that I chanced to +know did not deem any kind of water-rite at any time in life absolutely +necessary. A certain few clung to fore-ordination which, if true, would +preclude the need of most people making any efforts along that line. Some +of the churches denounced dancing and card-playing in no unmeaning terms, +while others gave holy sanction to card-parties and charity balls. Some +churches were bound down by certain rigid rules which they called creeds; +others were very much opposed to these. For every belief there was an +"anti." + +Under such conditions as these it was a big undertaking to try to sift the +wheat from a mountain of chaff and become enthusiastic in one's devotion +to State and Church. Why should there be such a state of chaos on matters +of the most vital importance? Is human nature not sincere? Or is it simply +erratic? + +For the present I tried to content myself with the study of subjects that +would in a small way muddle the world in return for the muddling the world +had given me. I pursued the investigation of such things as neoplatonism, +psychic phenomena, platonic friendship, and so forth. After coaching +myself up a little on such topics as these, I could appear in the most +erudite company and pose as an authority on the same. Ah! authority, how +many errors are committed in thy name! + +For several months I busied myself in one way and another, and my +infirmities seemed to have given me a respite. Every symptom had for a +while been in abeyance, but now they began to assert themselves with +renewed activity. The reader will perhaps wonder what new restorative +agencies I could now summon to my aid. I was always quite resourceful and +could usually think of something untried. + +I remembered that I had never consulted a homeopathic physician. This must +have been on my part an oversight, for I have the greatest esteem for this +class of medical men, mainly on account of their benign remedies. The one +I consulted told me that homeopaths did not treat a disease _name_, but +directed the remedy toward the symptoms at hand. This impressed me that he +would treat my case on its merits and without any guess-work. My relief +would depend upon correct statements in answer to all the doctor's +questions. He was very painstaking in this matter, and the questions asked +were many and diversified. One was: "Do you ever imagine that you see a +big spider crawling up the wall?" Another was: "Do you at times imagine +that you are falling from a high precipice?" + +At the time I had a slight tonsillitis, and the doctor was careful to note +that it was the right tonsil involved. He told me that if it had been the +left one, the treatment would be entirely different. Up to this time I +had, in my ignorance of the human frame, supposed that the two halves were +the same in function and symmetrical in anatomy. + +The doctor gave me a vial of little red pills about the size of beet +seeds, with explicit directions as to how to take them. If I exceeded the +dosage prescribed I endangered my life, for these pellets were of a high +potency. They were little two-edged swords which might cut both ways. + +I took this medicine for perhaps a week; that was longer than I usually +confined myself to one remedy. One day, when in an extremely despondent +mood, I was seized with an impulse to kill myself. Neurasthenics, like +hysterical women, sometimes talk of suicide, but these threats are usually +made to attract attention and gain sympathy. Neither very often make any +well-directed efforts to get their threats into execution. But for me to +plan was to act; so I attempted the "rash act," as the newspapers +invariably call it, by swallowing the contents of that little vial. I then +performed a few ante-mortem details, such as writing good-byes to friends. +About the time I had all my arrangements made and was wondering if it was +not time for the medicine to exert its deadly effect, I changed my mind +about dying. The stuff had been so slow in its action that it had enabled +me to look at life from a different viewpoint. Life now seemed sweet to me +and it was so soon to pass from me! Oh! why had I not used some +deliberation before thus consummating the desperate deed? + +To the telephone I rushed. I soon had the doctor, and this was our +conversation:-- + +_Myself_--"Doctor, come at once; by mistake I swallowed all the medicine +you gave me. Do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"Did you take the entire contents of the bottle?" + +_Myself_--"Every one--over a hundred--do hurry, doctor." + +_Doctor_--"No alarm, then. You have swallowed so many that they will +neutralize one another and act as an antidote. Calm yourself and you will +be all right!" + +I thought more than ever that this was surely a mysterious remedy. + +A few weeks later I chanced to remember that in my ceaseless rounds of +trying to regain my health and retain such as I had, no osteopathic doctor +had ever been favored by a call from me. I went to consult with one +post-haste. The osteopath wanted to pull my limbs both literally and +metaphorically. He discovered that I had a rib depressed and digging into +my lungs; also a dislocation of my atlas, which is a bone at the top of my +spinal column. He was not sure but that one of my cranial bones was +pressing upon one of the large nerve centers in my brain. My symptoms were +all reflex from these troubles. + +I did not decide upon an immediate course of osteopathic treatment, as I +had been struck by something new. I will tell about it another chapter; it +makes me so tired to write so much at one time. That accounts for these +short chapters all along. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +TAKES A COURSE IN A MEDICAL COLLEGE. + + +Yes, I had thought of something entirely new. I would take a medical +course and would then know for myself whether I suffered from a +complication of diseases or whether it was true, as many had tried to +convince me, that there was nothing the matter with me. A medical +education, too, would be an embellishment that every one could not boast +of. I had the necessary time and means to take a course in medicine, +having no one dependent upon me. If there had been family cares on my +hands, the case would have been different. So I matriculated in a St. +Louis medical college during the middle of a term and began the study of +the healing art. + +Now, reader, please do not be shocked too badly if, in this connection, I +mention a few slightly uncanny things. I have always noticed, however, +that most people do not raise much of a fuss over a diminutive shocking +semi-occasionally, provided the act comes about as a natural course of +events. There were many things about the college and clinic rooms that +were, to me, gruesome and repulsive. The dissecting-room, with its stench +and debris from dead bodies, was the crucial test for me. I wonder now +that I stayed with it as long as I did. + +For my dissecting partner I had an uncouth cow-puncher from southern +Texas. There were in the college a number of these broad-hatted and rather +illiterate fellows from the southwest trying to get themselves +metamorphosed into doctors. (I would often feel for their prospective +patients.) This man who assisted me on the "stiff," as they call the +dissecting material, did the cutting and I looked up the points of +anatomy. I preferred to do the literary rather than the sanguinary part of +the work. One evening--we did this work at night--we were to dissect and +expose all the muscles of the head, so as to make them look as nearly as +possible like the colored plates in the anatomy. We were expected to learn +the names of all these structures. The memorizing of these terms was no +small task, for I remember that one little muscle even bore this +outlandish name: _levator labii superioris alaquae nasi_. Anglicized, +this would mean that the function of the muscle was to raise the upper lip +and dilate the nostril. My companion said that he "didn't see no sense in +being so durned scientific." Accordingly he went to work and cut all the +flesh off the head and stacked it up on the slab. When the demonstrator of +anatomy came by to test our knowledge and to see our work, he asked: "What +have you here?" My friend very promptly answered: "A pile of lean meat." +This student went by the not very euphonious name of "Lean Meat" from that +date. + +A trick of the students was to place fingers and toes in pockets of +unsuspecting visitors to the dissecting-room. There was no end to these +ghoulish acts. A student while in a hilarious mood one night did a +decapitating operation on one of the bodies. His loot was the head of an +old man with patriarchal beard and he carried it around from one place of +debauchery to another, exhibiting it to gaping crowds of a rather +unenviable class of citizenship. + +I mention these things merely that the reader may imagine the morbid +effect they might have upon one of my temperament. Being a freshman, I +was to get in the way of lectures only anatomy, physiology, microscopy and +osteology. This interpreted meant body, bugs, and bones. But I wanted to +acquire medical lore rapidly, so I listened to every lecture that I could, +whether it came in my schedule or not. _Soon I began to manifest symptoms +of every disease I heard discussed._ I would one day have all the signs of +pancreatic disease; perhaps the next I would display unmistakable +evidences of ascending myelitis; next, my liver would be the storm center, +and so on. My shifting of symptoms was gauged by the lecturers to whom I +listened. + +At my room one evening I was walking the floor wrapped in deepest gloom. +No deep-dyed pessimist ever felt as I did at that moment, for I had just +discovered that I had an incurable heart disease. I had often feared as +much, but now I had it from a scientific source that my heart was going +wrong. I could tell by the way I felt. My room-mate noticed me. He was +another Western bovine-chaser, a good fellow in his way, but according to +my standard, devoid of all the finer qualities that go to make a +gentleman. + +"What in thunder's the matter with you, feller?" he blurted out. I told +him of the latest affliction that had beset me. What this fellow said +would not look well in print. My exasperation at his conduct, together +with thoughts of my new disease, caused me to lash the pillow sleeplessly +that night. I decided to go early in the morning and see Dr. Cardack, +professor of chest diseases, and at least have him concur in my +self-diagnosis. + +The doctor had not yet arrived at his office. I must have been very early, +for it seemed to me that he would never come. When he did arrive I was +given a very affable greeting but only a superficial examination. I felt a +little hurt to think that he did not seem to regard my case with the +significance which I thought it deserved. The afflicted are always close +observers in whatever concerns themselves. Professor Cardack had a +peculiar smile on his big, kind face when he asked:-- + +"Have you been listening to my lectures on diseases of the heart?" + +"Yes, sir;" was my response. + +"Did you hear my lecture on mitral murmurs yesterday?" he asked. + +"I did," I had to admit. + +"And did you read up on the subject?" was further interrogated. + +"Y-yes," and my tones implied a little guilt, although I could not tell +why. + +"I thought so," continued the doctor; "some of the boys from our college +were in last night to have their hearts examined, and I am expecting quite +a number in again this evening. Every year when I begin my course of +lectures on the heart the boys call singly and in droves to see me and +have my assurance that they have no cardiac lesions. I have never yet +found one of them to have a crippled heart. Like you, they all have a +slight neurosis, coupled with a self-consciousness, that makes them think +the world revolves around them and their little imaginary ailments." + +I felt somewhat ashamed, but with it came a sense of relief. "Misery loves +company," and I was glad in my mortification to think that I had not been +the only one to make a fool of myself. + +The old doctor gave me the usual advice about exercise. He said: "Go home +when this term has closed and go to work at something during your +vacation. Work hard and for a purpose, if possible, but don't forget to +work. If you can't do any better, dig ditches and fill them up again. +Forget yourself! Forget that you have a heart, a stomach, a liver, or a +sympathetic nervous system. Live right, and those organs will take care of +themselves all right. That's why the Creator tried to bury them away +beyond our control." + +This little talk, coming as it did from an acknowledged authority, made a +strong impression upon me. I resolved to act upon the suggestions given +me. By the way, it is scarcely necessary for me to state that I never went +back to the medical college again. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +TURNS COW-BOY. HAS RUN GAMUT OF FADS. + + +Next I decided to turn cow-boy, so I at once went toward the setting sun. +I would go out West and go galloping over the mesa and acquire the color +of a brick-house, with the appetite and vigor that are its concomitants. I +had frequently read of Yale and Harvard graduates going out and getting a +touch of life on the plains; so, as such a life did not seem to be beneath +the dignity of cultured people, I would give it a trial. + +I had never had any experience in "roughing it," but from what I had read +I knew that it was just the thing to make me healthy and vigorous and also +cause me to look at life from a few different angles. In addition to my +unceasing concern about my health, I also had a yearning to experience +every phase and condition of life known to anybody else. + +Broncho-busting and Western life in general satisfied me about as quickly +as any of my numerous ventures. In a very few days I was heartsick and +homesick--a strong combination. I will draw a curtain over some of my +experiences, as I don't care to talk about them; one of these being my +feelings after my first day in the saddle. When I worked for that mean old +farmer, years before, I thought I was physically broken up if not entirely +bankrupt, but that experience pales into significance as compared with the +present case. Then we got out on an alkali desert, forty miles from water, +and I nearly choked, to death. However, I survived it all and in due time +got back to civilization. + +On my arrival home my den looked more cozy and inviting than it ever had +before. My old friends gave me a hearty greeting and their smiles and +handshakes seemed good to me on dropping back to earth after a brief +sojourn in the Land of Nowhere. I was truly glad for once that I was +alive, for I believe there is no keener pleasure than, after an absence, +to have the privilege of mingling with old, time-tried friends that you +know are sincere and true. My friends seemed just as glad to see me as I +did them. We laughed as heartily at each other's jokes as if they had been +really funny. Old friends are the best, because they learn where our +tenderest corns are and try to walk as lightly as possible over them. I +thought the hardships I had endured for a while were fully compensated for +by once more being surrounded by familiar faces and scenes. + +But in a few weeks life again became monotonous. Everybody bored me. It +seemed to me that both men and women talked, as they thought, in a circle +of very small circumference. I found only an occasional person who could +interest me for even a short time; I felt that I must have some mental +excitement of a legitimate kind or I would go crazy. What should it be? + +Not having anything better at hand, I turned my attention to society and +the club. I had never given these matters quite the earnest consideration +even for the accustomed length of time which I devoted to so many other +things. I conceived the idea of inaugurating a campaign of education, +socially speaking, for the purpose of getting men and women on a higher +plane of thinking. I tried to get everybody interested in Browning and +Shakespeare, from whom they could get mental pabulum worth while; I would +have everybody look after his diction and not give vent to such +expressions as: "I seen him when he done it." I would get as many people +as I could to think and talk of something above commonplaces. But in a +little while I saw that most people did not want to be bored by such +things as mind cultivation, but were rather bent on what they chose to +think was a good time. So I went to the opposite extreme and tried to +perfect myself in the small talk and frivolities that interest the +majority of society people. I was soon able to ape the vapid dictates of +those who called themselves the _elite_ and the _bon ton_. If the reader +will pardon me for using these words, I promise as a gentleman not to +inflict them on him again. + +Of course, I did not pursue my last strain for very long. I worried +somewhat about my health, but not so much as of old. I had had about all +the disease symptoms worth having and now could complain only on general +principles. My character was as vacillating and unsettled as ever. I would +pick up one thing today only to discard it to-morrow. I had tried so many +different callings, fads, and diversions that now only something in the +way of an innovation appealed to me even momentarily. Truth to tell, I +had about got to the bottom of my resources, and felt somewhat like old +Alexander the Great when he conquered his last world and wept because he +was out of a job. + +I had become very discriminating in regard to trying remedial measures and +agencies. Any new thing in order to gain my favor had to bear the brand: +"Made in Germany." + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +GIVES UP THE TASK OF WRITING CONFESSIONS. + + +Reader, you have perhaps wondered all along how I could ever hold myself +down to write a little sketch of my life. I wonder myself that I have thus +been able to jot down twenty thousand words without once going in for +repairs. I did not realize until this very moment what a lot of work I was +piling up--an effort that is appalling for me to contemplate. Indeed, I +have suddenly grown so tired of it that I have decided, here and now, to +give it up, as I have all my other undertakings. And I had this little +volume only about half compiled! Perhaps, some day, in a spasm of industry +I may be able to write the other half. + +At any rate, I have written enough to convince even the most skeptical +that the neurasthenic is no ordinary individual. We want the world to know +that our little brotherhood is ever entitled to respect--more so than many +other cults that become fashionable for a day and then depart from the +"earth, earthy." It is true, we think much about our health and those +measures calculated to retain or regain it, as well as misdirecting energy +in our pursuits and pastimes; but, after all, _that's our business_! The +world should not look on us as being cold and selfish; if it does, the +case is another one wherein "things are not what they seem." We have big, +warm hearts that beat for others' woes and are ever responsive to the +"touch of nature that makes the whole world kin." + +We neurasthenics have slumbering within our bosoms ambitions and +possibilities that, if set in motion, would move mountains and revert the +course of rivers. But we can't work up enough energy to consummate our +aims and carry things to a finish. Perhaps we may be able to do so some +day. Oh, Some Day, you are a mirage on the desert of life that ever lures +us on to things that can only be attained in the land where dreams come +true! + +I am now wound up for quite a bit of pretty writing like this, but as I +have promised to say good-night and good-bye, I will put my flights of +fancy back in the box and go to bed. + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + +Passages in italics are indicated by _underscore_. + +Images have been moved from the middle of a paragraph to the closest +paragraph break. + +The following misprints have been corrected: + "does does" corrected to "does" (page 16) + "a short periods" corrected to "short periods" (page 20) + "scarced" corrected to "scared" (page 36) + "blonds" corrected to "blondes" (page 48) + "eclat" corrected to "eclat" (page 51) + "require's" corrected to "requires" (page 62) + "utered" corrected to "uttered" (page 91) + +Other than the corrections listed above, printer's inconsistencies have +been retained. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Neurasthenic, by +William Taylor Marrs + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A NEURASTHENIC *** + +***** This file should be named 30487.txt or 30487.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30487/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Stephanie Eason, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net. 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