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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/30596-8.txt b/30596-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3fbd48e --- /dev/null +++ b/30596-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3806 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of General Bramble, by André Maurois + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: General Bramble + +Author: André Maurois + +Translator: Jules Castier + Ronald Boswell + +Release Date: December 3, 2009 [EBook #30596] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENERAL BRAMBLE *** + + + + +Produced by Andrew Sly, Chuck Greif and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +GENERAL BRAMBLE + +_by_ + +ANDRÉ MAUROIS + +_translated by_ + +JULES CASTIER and RONALD BOSWELL + + +JOHN LANE +THE BODLEY HEAD LTD + + +First Published 1921 + +First Published in The Week-End Library 1931 + + + +MADE AND PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY + +MORRISON AND GIBB LTD, LONDON AND EDINBURGH + + + +CONTENTS + + I. Portraits + II. Diplomacy + III. The Tower of Babel + IV. A Business Man in the Army + V. The Story of Private Biggs + VI. An Air Raid + VII. Love and the Infant Dundas + VIII. A Great Chef + IX. Prélude à la Soirée d'un Général + X. Private Brommit's Conversion + XI. Justice + XII. Variations + XIII. The Cure + XIV. The Beginning of the End + XV. Danse Macabre + XVI. The Glory of the Garden + XVII. Letter from Colonel Parker to Aurelle + XVIII. General Bramble's Return + + + + + +GENERAL BRAMBLE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +PORTRAITS + + "As to what the picture represents, that depends upon who looks + at it."--Whistler. + + +The French Mission in its profound wisdom had sent as liaison officer +to the Scottish Division a captain of Dragoons whose name was +Beltara. + +"Are you any relation to the painter, sir?" Aurelle, the interpreter, +asked him. + +"What did you say?" said the dragoon. "Say that again, will you? You +_are_ in the army, aren't you? You are a soldier, for a little time +at any rate? and you claim to know that such people as painters +exist? You actually admit the existence of that God-forsaken species?" + +And he related how he had visited the French War Office after he had +been wounded, and how an old colonel had made friends with him and +had tried to find him a congenial job. + +"What's your profession in civilian life, _capitaine_?" the old man +had asked as he filled in a form. + +"I am a painter, sir." + +"A painter?" the colonel exclaimed, dumbfounded. "A painter? Why, +damn it all!" + +And after thinking it over for a minute he added, with the kindly +wink of an accomplice in crime, "Well, let's put down _nil_, eh? It +won't look quite so silly." + + * * * * * + +Captain Beltara and Aurelle soon became inseparable companions. They +had the same tastes and different professions, which is the +ideal recipe for friendship. Aurelle admired the sketches in +which the painter recorded the flexible lines of the Flemish +landscape; Beltara was a kindly critic of the young man's rather +feeble verses. + +"You would perhaps be a poet," he said to him, "if you were not +burdened with a certain degree of culture. An artist must be an +idiot. The only perfect ones are the sculptors; then come the +landscape painters; then painters in general; after them the writers. +The critics are not at all stupid; and the really intelligent men +never do anything." + +"Why shouldn't intelligence have an art of its own, as sensibility +has?" + +"No, my friend, no. Art is a game; intelligence is a profession. Look +at me, for instance; now that I no longer touch my brushes, I +sometimes actually catch myself thinking; it's quite alarming." + +"You ought to paint some portraits here, _mon capitaine_. Aren't +you tempted? These sunburnt British complexions----" + +"Of course, my boy, it is tempting; but I haven't got my things with +me. Besides, would they consent to sit?" + +"Of course they would, for as long as you like. To-morrow I'll bring +round young Dundas, the aide-de-camp. He's got nothing to do; he'll +be delighted." + + * * * * * + +Next day Beltara made a three-crayon sketch of Lieutenant Dundas. The +young aide-de-camp turned out quite a good sitter; all he asked was +to be allowed to do something, which meant shouting his hunting +cries, cracking his favourite whip and talking to his dog. + +"Ah," said Aurelle, at the end of the sitting, "I like that +immensely--really. It's so lightly touched--it's a mere nothing, and +yet the whole of England is there." + +And, waving his hands with the ritual gestures of the infatuated +picture-lover, he praised the artlessness of the clear, wide eyes, +the delightful freshness of the complexion, and the charming candour +of the smile. + +But the Cherub planted himself in front of his portrait, struck the +classical pose of the golfer, and, poising his arms and hitting at an +imaginary ball, pronounced judgment on the work of art with perfect +frankness. + +"My God," he said, "what an awful thing! How the deuce did you see, +old man, that my breeches were laced at the side?" + +"What on earth can that matter?" asked Aurelle, annoyed. + +"Matter! Would _you_ like to be painted with your nose behind your +ear? My God! It's about as much like me as it is like Lloyd George." + +"Likeness is quite a secondary quality," said Aurelle condescendingly. +"The interesting thing is not the individual; it is the type, +the synthesis of a whole race or class." + +"In the days when I was starving in my native South," said the +painter, "I used to paint portraits of tradesmen's wives for a fiver. +When I had done, the family assembled for a private view. 'Well,' +said the husband, 'it's not so bad; but what about the likeness, eh? +You put it in afterwards, I suppose?' 'The likeness?' I indignantly +replied. 'The likeness? My dear sir, I am a painter of ideals; I +don't paint your wife as she is, I paint her as she ought to be. Your +wife? Why, you see her every day--she cannot interest you. But my +painting--ah, you never saw anything like my painting!' And the +tradesman was convinced, and went about repeating in every café on +the Cannebière, 'Beltara, _mon bon_, is the painter of ideals; +he does not paint my wife as she is, he paints her as she ought +to be.'" + +"Well," interrupted young Lieutenant Dundas, "if you can make my +breeches lace in front, I should be most grateful. I look like a +damned fool as it is now!" + + * * * * * + +The following week Beltara, who had managed to get hold of some +paints, made excellent studies in oil of Colonel Parker and Major +Knight. The major, who was stout, found his corporation somewhat +exaggerated. + +"Yes," said the painter, "but with the varnish, you know----" + +And with an expressive movement of his hands he made as if to restore +the figure to more normal dimensions. + +The colonel, who was lean, wanted to be padded out. + +"Yes," said Beltara, "but with the varnish, you know----" + +And his hands, moving back again, gave promise of astonishing +expansions. + +Having regained a taste for his profession, he tried his hand at some +of the finest types in the Division. His portraits met with various +verdicts; each model thought his own rotten and the others excellent. + +The Divisional Squadron Commander found his boots badly polished. The +C.R.E. commented severely on the important mistakes in the order of +his ribbons; the Legion of Honour being a foreign order should not +have preceded the Bath, and the Japanese Rising Sun ought to have +followed the Italian Order for Valour. + +The only unqualified praise came from the sergeant-major who acted as +chief clerk to General Bramble. He was a much-beribboned old warrior +with a head like a faun and three red hairs on top of it. He had the +respectful familiarity of the underling who knows he is indispensable, +and he used to come in at all times of the day and criticize the +captain's work. + +"That's fine, sir," he would say, "that's fine." + +After some time he asked Aurelle whether the captain would consent +"to take his photo." The request was accepted, for the old N.C.O.'s +beacon-like countenance tempted the painter, and he made a kindly +caricature. + +"Well, sir," the old soldier said to him, "I've seen lots of +photographer chaps the likes of you--I've seen lots at fairs in +Scotland--but I've never seen one as gives you a portrait so quick." + +He soon told General Bramble of the painter's prowess; and as he +exercised a respectful but all-powerful authority over the general, +he persuaded him to come and give the French liaison officer a +sitting. + +The general proved an admirable model of discipline. Beltara, who was +very anxious to be successful in this attempt, demanded several +sittings. The general arrived punctually, took up his pose with +charming deliberation, and when the painter had done, said "Thank +you," with a smile, and went away without saying another word. + +"Look here," Beltara said to Aurelle, "does this bore him or not? He +hasn't come one single time to look at what I have done. I can't +understand it." + +"He'll look at it when you've finished," Aurelle replied. "I'm sure +he's delighted, and he'll let you see it when the time comes." + +As a matter of fact after the last sitting, when the painter had said +"Thank you, sir, I think I could only spoil it now," the general +slowly descended from the platform, took a few solemn steps round +the easel, and stared at his portrait for some minutes. + +"Humph!" he said at length, and left the room. + + * * * * * + +Dr. O'Grady, who was a man of real artistic culture, seemed somehow +to understand that keeping decorations in their correct order is not +the only criterion of the beauty of a portrait. The grateful Beltara +proposed to make a sketch of him, and during the sitting was pleased +to find himself in agreement with the doctor upon many things. + +"The main point," said the painter, "is to see simply--outlines, +general masses. The thing is not to copy nature with childish +minuteness." + +"No, of course not," replied the doctor. "Besides, it can't be done." + +"Of course it can't, because nature is so endlessly full of details +which can never all be considered. The thing is to suggest their +presence." + +"Quite so," said the doctor. + +But when he came to gaze upon the face he loved so well, and saw it +transformed into outlines and general masses, he seemed a little +surprised. + +"Well, of course," he said, "it is excellent--oh, it's very, very +good--but don't you think you have made me a little too old? I have +no lines at the corner of my mouth, and my hair is not quite so +thin." + +He appealed to the aide-de-camp who was just then passing by. + +"Dundas, is this like me?" + +"Certainly, Doc; but it's ten years younger." + +The doctor's smile darkened, and he began rather insistently to +praise the Old Masters. + +"Modern painting," he proclaimed, "is too brutal." + +"Good heavens," said Aurelle, "a great artist cannot paint with a +powder-puff; you must be able to feel that the fellow with the pencil +was not a eunuch." + +"Really," he went on, when the doctor had left in rather a bad +temper, "he's as ridiculous as the others. I think his portrait is +very vigorous, and not in the least a skit, whatever he may say." + +"Just sit down there a minute, old man," said the painter. "I shall +be jolly glad to work from an intelligent model for once. They all +want to look like tailors' fashion-plates. Now, I can't change my +style; I don't paint in beauty paste, I render what I see--it's like +Diderot's old story about the amateur who asked a floral painter to +portray a lion. 'With pleasure,' said the artist, 'but you may expect +a lion that will be as like a rose as I can make him.'" + +The conversation lasted a long time; it was friendly and technical. +Aurelle praised Beltara's painting; Beltara expressed his joy at +having found so penetrating and artistic a critic in the midst of +so many Philistines. + +"I prefer your opinion to a painter's; it's certainly sincerer. Would +you mind turning your profile a bit more towards me? Some months +before the war I had two friends in my studio to whom I wished to +show a little picture I intended for the _Salon_. 'Yes,' said the +younger of them, 'it's all right, but there ought to be a light spot +in that corner; your lights are not well balanced.' 'Shut up, you +fool,' the other whispered to him, 'that'll make it _really_ good!' +Come on, old man, come and look; I think that sketch can be left as +it is." + +Aurelle walked up to the painter, and, cocking his head on one side, +looked at the drawing. + +"It's charming," he said at last with some reluctance. "It's charming. +There are some delightful touches--all that still life on the table, +it might be a Chardin--and I like the background very much indeed." + +"Well, old man, I'm glad you like it. Take it back with you when you +go on leave and give it to your wife." + +"Er--" sighed Aurelle, "thank you, _mon capitaine_; it's really very +kind of you. Only--you'll think me no end of a fool--you see, if it +is to be for my wife, I'd like you to touch up the profile just a +little. Of course you understand." + +And Beltara, who was a decent fellow, adorned his friend's face with +the Grecian nose and the small mouth which the gods had denied him. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +DIPLOMACY + + "We are not foreigners; we are English; it is _you_ that are + foreigners."--An English Lady Abroad. + + +When Dr. O'Grady and Aurelle had succeeded, with some difficulty, in +obtaining a room from old Madame de Vauclère, Colonel Parker went +over to see them and was charmed with the château and the park. + +France and England, he said, were the only two countries in which +fine gardens were to be found, and he told the story of the American +who asked the secret of those well-mown lawns and was answered, +"Nothing is simpler: water them for twelve hundred years." + +Then he inquired timidly whether he also might not be quartered at +the château. + +"It wouldn't do very well, sir; Madame is mortally afraid of +new-comers, and she has a right, being a widow, to refuse to billet +you." + +"Aurelle, my boy, do be a good fellow, and go and arrange matters." + +After much complaining, Madame de Vauclère consented to put the +colonel up: all her sons were officers, and she could not withstand +sentimental arguments for very long. + +The next day Parker's orderly joined the doctor's in the château +kitchen, and together they annexed the fireplace. To make room for +their own utensils, they took down a lot of comical little French +articles, removed what they saw no use for, put the kettle on, and +whistled hymns as they filled the cupboards with tins of boot polish +in scientifically graded rows. + +After adoring them on the first day, putting up with them on the +second, and cursing them on the third, the old cook came up to +Aurelle with many lamentations, and dwelt at some length on the sad +state of her saucepans; but she found the interpreter dealing with +far more serious problems. + +Colonel Parker, suddenly realizing that it was inconvenient for the +general to be quartered away from his Staff, had decided to transfer +the whole H.Q. to the château of Vauclère. + +"Explain to the old lady that I want a very good room for the +general, and the billiard-room for our clerks." + +"Why, it's impossible, sir; she has no good room left." + +"What about her own?" said Colonel Parker. + +Madame de Vauclère, heart-broken, but vanquished by the magic word +"General," which Aurelle kept on repeating sixty times a minute, +tearfully abandoned her canopied bed and her red damask chairs, +and took refuge on the second floor. + +Meanwhile the drawing-room with its ancient tapestries was filled +with an army of phlegmatic clerks occupied in heaping up innumerable +cases containing the history in triplicate of the Division, its men, +horses, arms and achievements. + +"Maps" set up his drawing-board on a couple of arm-chairs; +"Intelligence" concealed their secrets in an Aubusson boudoir; and +the telephone men sauntered about in the dignified, slow, bantering +fashion of the British workman. They set up their wires in the park, +and cut branches off the oaks and lime trees; they bored holes in the +old walls, and, as they wished to sleep near their work they put up +tents on the lawns. + +The Staff asked for their horses; and the animals were picketed in +the garden walks, as the stables were too small. In the garden +the Engineers made a dug-out in case of a possible bombardment. +The orderlies' football developed a distinct liking for the +window-panes of the summer-house. The park assumed the aspect +first of a building site and then of a training camp, and new-comers +said, "These French gardens _are_ badly kept!" + +This methodical work of destruction had been going on for about a +week when "Intelligence" got going. + +"Intelligence" was represented at the Division by Captain Forbes. + +Forbes, who had never yet arrested a real spy, saw potential spies +everywhere, and as he was fond of the company of the great, he always +made his suspicions a pretext for going to see General Bramble or +Colonel Parker. One day he remained closeted for an hour with the +colonel, who summoned Aurelle as soon as he had left. + +"Do you know," he said to him, "there are most dangerous things +going on here. Two old women are constantly being seen in this +château. What the deuce are they up to?" + +"What do you mean?" gasped Aurelle. "This is their house, sir; it's +Madame de Vauclère and her maid." + +"Well, you go and tell them from me to clear out as soon as possible. +The presence of civilians among a Staff cannot be tolerated; the +Intelligence people have complained about it, and they are perfectly +right." + +"But where are they to go to, sir?" + +"That's no concern of mine." + +Aurelle turned round furiously and left the room. Coming across Dr. +O'Grady in the park, he asked his advice about the matter. + +"Why, doctor, she had a perfect right to refuse to billet us, and +from a military point of view we should certainly be better off at +Nieppe. She was asked to do us a favour, she grants it, and her +kindness is taken as a reason for her expulsion! I can't 'evacuate +her to the rear,' as Forbes would say; she'd die of it!" + +"I should have thought," said the doctor, "that after three years you +knew the British temperament better than this. Just go and tell the +colonel, politely and firmly, that you refuse to carry out his +orders. Then depict Madame de Vauclère's situation in your grandest +and most tragic manner. Tell him her family has been living in the +château for the last two thousand years, that one of her ancestors +came over to England with William the Conqueror, and that her +grandfather was a friend of Queen Victoria's. Then the colonel will +apologize and place a whole wing at the disposal of your +_protégée_." + +Dr. O'Grady's prescription was carried out in detail by Aurelle with +most satisfactory results. + +"You are right," said the colonel, "Forbes is a damned idiot. The old +lady can stay on, and if anybody annoys her, let her come to me." + +"It's all these servants who are such a nuisance to her, sir," said +Aurelle. "It's very painful for her to see her own house turned +upside-down." + +"Upside-down?" gasped the colonel. "Why, the house is far better kept +than it was in her time. I have had the water in the cisterns +analysed; I have had sweet-peas planted and the tennis lawn rolled. +What can she complain of?" + +In the well-appointed kitchen garden, where stout-limbed pear trees +bordered square beds of sprouting lettuce, Aurelle joined O'Grady. + +"Doctor, you're a great man, and my old lady is saved. But it appears +she ought to thank her lucky stars for having placed her under the +British Protectorate, which, in exchange for her freedom, provides +her with a faultless tennis lawn and microbeless water." + +"There is nothing," said the doctor gravely, "that the British +Government is not ready to do for the good of the natives." + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE TOWER OF BABEL + + "Des barques romaines, disais-je.--Non, disais-tu, + portugaises."--Jean Giraudoux. + + +"Wot you require, sir," interrupted Private Brommit, "is a glass o' +boilin' 'ot milk an' whisky, with lots o' cinnamon." + +Aurelle, who was suffering from an attack of influenza, was at +Estrées, under the care of Dr. O'Grady, who tirelessly prescribed +ammoniated quinine. + +"I say, doctor," said the young Frenchman, "this is a drug that's +utterly unknown in France. It seems strange that medicines should +have a nationality." + +"Why shouldn't they?" said the doctor. "Many diseases are national. +If a Frenchman has a bathe after a meal, he is stricken with +congestion of the stomach and is drowned. An Englishman never +has congestion of the stomach." + +"No," said Aurelle; "he is drowned all the same, but his friends say +he had cramp, and the honour of Britain is saved." + +Private Brommit knocked at the door and showed in Colonel Parker, who +sat down by the bed and asked Aurelle how he was getting on. + +"He is much better," said the doctor; "a few more doses of +quinine----" + +"I am glad to hear that," replied the colonel, "because I shall want +you, Aurelle. G.H.Q. is sending me on a mission for a fortnight to +one of your Brittany ports; I am to organize the training of the +Portuguese Division. I have orders to take an interpreter with me. I +thought of you for the job." + +"But," Aurelle put in, "I don't know a word of Portuguese." + +"What does that matter?" said the colonel. "You're an interpreter, +aren't you? Isn't that enough?" + + * * * * * + +The following day Aurelle told his servant to try and find a +Portuguese in the little town of Estrées. + +"Brommit is an admirable fellow," said Colonel Parker, "he found +whisky for me in the middle of the bush, and quite drinkable beer in +France. If I say to him, 'Don't come back without a Portuguese,' he +is sure to bring one with him, dead or alive." + +As a matter of fact, that very evening he brought back with him a +nervous, talkative little man. + +"Ze Poortooguez in fifteen days," exclaimed the little man, +gesticulating freely with his small plump hands "A language so rich, +so flexible, in fifteen days! Ah, you have ze luck, young man, to +'ave found in zis town Juan Garretos, of Portalègre, Master of Arts of +ze University of Coimbra, and positivist philosopher. Ze Poortooguez +in fifteen days! Do you know at least ze Low Latin? ze Greek? +ze Hebrew? ze Arabic? ze Chinese? If not, it is useless to +go furzer." + +Aurelle confessed his ignorance. + +"Never mind," said Juan Garretos indulgently; "ze shape of your 'ead +inspire me wiz confidence: for ten francs ze hour I accept you. Only, +mind, no chattering; ze Latins always talk too much. Not a single +word of ze English between us now. _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez_--do +me ze favour of speaking ze Poortooguez. Know first zat, in ze +Poortooguez, one speak in ze zird person. You must call your speaker +Excellency.'" + +"What's that?" Aurelle interrupted. "I thought you had just had a +democratic revolution." + +"Precisely," said the positivist philosopher, wringing his little +hands, "precisely. In France you made ze revoluçaoung in order zat +every man should be called 'citizen.' What a waste of energy! In +Poortugal we made ze revoluçaoung in order zat every man should be +called 'His Highness.' Instead of levelling down we levelled up. It +is better. Under ze old order ze children of ze poor were _rapachos_, +and zose of ze aristocracy were _meninos_: now zey are all _meninos_. +Zat is a revoluçaoung! _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez._ Ze Latins +always talk too much." + +Having thus earned his ten francs by an hour's unceasing eloquence, +he made a fairer proposal to Aurelle next day. + +"I will arrange with you for a fixed sum," he said. "If I teach you +two souzand words, you give me fifty francs." + +"Very well," replied Aurelle, "two thousand words will be a +sufficient vocabulary to begin with." + +"All right," said Juan Garretos; "now listen to me. All ze words +which in ze English end with 'tion' are ze same in ze Poortooguez +wiz ze ending 'çaoung.' Revolution--_revoluçaoung_; +constitution--_constituçaoung_; inquisition--_inquisiçaoung_. Now +zere are in ze English two souzand words ending in 'tion.' Your +Excellency owes me fifty francs. _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez._" + + * * * * * + +A fortnight later Colonel Parker and Aurelle stepped on to the +platform at B----, where they were met by Major Baraquin, the officer +commanding the garrison, and Captain Pereira, the Portuguese liaison +officer. + +Major Baraquin was a very old soldier. He had seen service--in the +1870 campaign. All strangers, Allies included, inspired him with a +distrust which even his respect for his superiors failed to remove. +When the French War Office ordered him to place his barracks at +the disposal of a British colonel, discipline required him to obey, +but hostile memories inspired him with savage resistance. + +"After all, sir," said Aurelle to Parker, "his grandfather was at +Waterloo." + +"Are you quite sure," asked the colonel, "that he was not there +himself?" + +Above all things, Major Baraquin would never admit that the armies of +other nations might have different habits from his own. That the +British soldier should eat jam and drink tea filled him with generous +indignation. + +"The colonel," Aurelle translated, "requests me to ask you ..." + +"No, no, _no_," replied Major Baraquin in stentorian tones, +without troubling to listen any further. + +"But it will be necessary, sir, for the Portuguese who are going to +land...." + +"No, no, _no_, I tell you," Major Baraquin repeated, +resolved upon ignoring demands which he considered subversive +and childish. This refrain was as far as he ever got in his +conversations with Aurelle. + + * * * * * + +Next day several large British transports arrived, and disgorged upon +the quay thousands of small, black-haired men who gazed mournfully +upon the alien soil. It was snowing, and most of them were seeing +snow for the first time in their lives. They wandered about in the +mud, shivering in their spotted blue cotton uniforms and dreaming, no +doubt, of sunny Alemtejo. + +"They'll fight well," said Captain Pereira, "they'll fight well. +Wellington called them his fighting cocks, and Napoleon said his +Portuguese legion made the best troops in the world. But can you +wonder they are sad?" + +Each of them had brought with him a pink handkerchief containing his +collection of souvenirs--little reminders of his village, his +people, or his best girl--and when they were told that they could +not take their pink parcels with them to the front, there was a +heart-breaking outcry. + +Major Baraquin, with unconscious and sinister humour, had quartered +them in the shambles. + +"It would be better----" began Colonel Parker. + +"Il vaudrait peut-être mieux----" Aurelle attempted to translate. + +"Vossa Excellencia----" began Captain Pereira. + +"No, no, _no_," said the old warrior passionately. + +The Portuguese went to the shambles. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +A BUSINESS MAN IN THE ARMY + + "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable + one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore + all progress depends on the unreasonable man."--G. B. Shaw (in + _A Revolutionist's Handbook_). + + +Colonel Musgrave of the R.A.S.C. had been instructed to +superintend the supply and transport arrangements of the Portuguese +Division, and Lieutenant Barefoot, in charge of a Labour Company, had +been detailed to assist him. + +"These men," he explained to Colonel Musgrave, "are all Southampton +dockers. In peace time I am their employer, and Sergeant Scott over +there is their foreman. They tell me your Labour Companies have often +shown rather poor discipline. There's no fear of anything like that +with my men; they have been chosen with care, and look up to me as if +I were a king. Scott, my sergeant, can do anything; neither he nor my +men ever drink a drop. As for me, I am a real business man, and I +intend to introduce new methods into the army." + +Barefoot was fifty years old; he had a bald head shaped like an egg. +He had just enlisted to serve his King and country, and was +overflowing with goodwill. + +The next morning twenty of his men were dead-drunk, two were absent +at roll-call, and Sergeant Scott had a scar on his nose which seemed +to be the result of a somewhat sudden encounter with mother earth. + +"No matter," said the worthy N.C.O., "Barefoot is an ass, and never +notices anything." + +Next day the first batch of Portuguese troops arrived. British tugs +towed the huge transports round the tiny harbour with graceful ease, +and the decks seethed with masses of troops. The harbour captain and +the _Ponts et Chaussées_ engineer were loud in protest against these +wonders, as being "contrary to the ideas of the Service." The wharves +were filled with motor lorries, mountains of pressed hay, sacks of +oats and boxes of biscuits. + +Colonel Musgrave, who was to take charge of this treasure-store, +began to make his plan of campaign. + +"To-morrow, Friday," he said, "there will be a parade on the wharf at +7 a.m. I shall hold an inspection myself before work is begun." + +On Friday morning at seven, Barefoot, his labourers and the lorries +were all paraded on the wharf in excellent order. At eight the +colonel got up, had his bath and shaved. Then he partook of eggs and +bacon, bread and jam, and drank two cups of tea. Towards nine o'clock +his car took him to the wharf. When he saw the men standing +motionless, the officer saluting and the lorries all in a row, +his face went as red as a brick, and he stood up in his car and +addressed them angrily: + +"So you are incapable of the slightest initiative! If I am absent for +an hour, detained by more important work, everything comes to a +standstill! I see I cannot rely on anyone here except myself!" + +The same evening he called the officers together. + +"To-morrow, Saturday," he said, "there will be a parade at 7 a. +m.--and this time I shall be there." + +The next morning Barefoot with his men and lorries paraded once more +on the wharf, with a sea-wind sweeping an icy rain into their faces. +At half-past seven the lieutenant took action. + +"We will start work," he said. "The colonel was quite right yesterday +and spoke like a real business man. In our respect for narrow +formalism, we stupidly wasted a whole morning's work." + +So his men began to pile up the cases, the lorries started to move +the sacks of oats, and the day's work was pretty well advanced when +Colonel Musgrave appeared. Having had his bath and shaved, and +absorbed poached eggs on toast, bread, marmalade and three cups of +tea, he had not been able to be ready before ten. Suddenly coming +upon all this healthy bustle, he leaped out of his car, and angrily +addressed the eager Barefoot, who was approaching him with a modest +smile. + +"Who has had the impudence to call the men off parade before my +arrival?" he said. "So if I happen to be detained elsewhere by more +important work, my orders are simply disregarded! I see again that I +cannot rely on anyone here except myself!" + +Meanwhile the crestfallen Barefoot was meditating upon the mysterious +ways of the army. Musgrave inspected the work and decided that +everything was to be done all over again. The biscuits were to be +put in the shed where the oats had been piled, and the oats were to +be put out in the open where the biscuits had been. The meat was to +change places with the jam, and the mustard with the bacon. The +lorries were to take away again everything they had just brought up. +So that when lunch-time arrived, everything was in exactly the same +state as it had been at dawn. The Admiralty announced the arrival of +a transport at two o'clock; the men were supposed to find their +rations ready for them upon landing. + +Musgrave very pluckily decided that the Labour Company were to have +no rest, and were just to be content with nibbling a light lunch +while they went on with their work. + +Barefoot, who had got up at six and was very hungry, approached the +colonel in fear and trembling. + +"May I leave my sergeant in charge for half an hour, sir?" he asked. +"He can do everything as well as I can. I should like just to run +along to the nearest café and have something warm to eat." + +Musgrave gazed at him in mournful astonishment. + +"Really," he said, "you young fellows don't seem to realize that +there's a war on." Whereupon he stepped into his car and drove off to +the hotel. + + * * * * * + +Barefoot, somewhat downcast, buttonholed the interpreter, who was +father-confessor to all Englishmen in distress. Aurelle begged him +not to get excited. + +"You are always talking about introducing your business methods into +the army. As if that were possible! Why, the objects of the two +things are entirely different. A business man is always looking +for work; an officer is always trying to avoid it. If you neglect +these principles, I can foresee an ignominious end in store for you, +Barefoot, and Colonel Musgrave will trample on your corpse." + +Now the thirty thousand Portuguese had been fed during their long +voyage on tinned food; and as the transports' holds were being +cleared, innumerable empty tins began to accumulate on the wharves. +Barefoot and his men were ordered to gather these tins together into +regular heaps. These grew so rapidly that the Mayor of the town was +exceedingly concerned to see such a waste of space in a harbour +already filled to bursting-point, and sent a pointed letter to +Colonel Musgrave, asking him to find some other place for his empty +tins. + +Colonel Musgrave ordered his interpreter to write an equally pointed +letter, reminding the Mayor of B---- that the removal of refuse was a +municipal concern, and that the British Army was therefore waiting +for the Town to hand over a plot of ground for the purpose. + +Barefoot happened to speak of this difficulty one day to the business +man at whose house he was billeted; and the latter told him that a +process had recently been discovered by which old tins could be +melted down and used again, and that a company had been floated to +work out the scheme; they would be sure to purchase Colonel +Musgrave's tins. + +The enthusiastic Barefoot began to see visions of profitable and +glorious enterprises. Not only would he rid his chief and the Mayor +of B---- of a lot of cumbersome salvage, but this modest contract for +some tens of tons might well serve as a model to those responsible +for the sale of the millions of empty tins scattered daily by the +British Army over the plains of Flanders and Artois. And the +Commander-in-Chief would call the attention of the War Office to the +fact that "Lieutenant E. W. Barefoot, by his bold and intelligent +initiative, had enabled salvage to be carried out to the extent of +several million pounds." + +"Aurelle," he said to the interpreter, "let's write to this company +immediately; we'll speak about it to the colonel when we get their +reply." + +The answer came by return; they were offered twenty francs per ton, +carriage at the company's cost. + +Barefoot explained his scheme to Colonel Musgrave with assumed +modesty, adding that it would be a good thing to flatten out the tins +before dispatching them, and that Sergeant Scott, who was a handy +man, could easily undertake the job. + +"First of all," said the colonel, "why can't you mind your own +business? Don't you know you are forbidden to correspond with +strangers upon matters pertaining to the service without consulting +your superior officers? And who told you _I_'ve not been thinking +for quite a long time of selling your damned tins? Do you think +things are as simple as all that in the army? Fetch Aurelle; I'm +going to see the superintendent of the French Customs." + +Three years' experience had taught Colonel Musgrave that the French +Customs Service were always to be relied on. + +"Kindly ask this gentleman whether the British Army, having imported +tins with their contents without paying any duty, has the right to +sell these tins empty in France?" + +"No," answered the official, when the colonel's question had been +translated to him, "there is an order from our headquarters about the +matter. The British Army must not carry on any sale of metal on +French soil." + +"Thank him very much," said the colonel, satisfied. + +"Now just look here," he said to Barefoot on returning, "what a nice +mess you would have made if I hadn't known my business. Let this be a +lesson to you. In future it will be better if you look after your men +and leave the rest to me. As for the tins, I have thought of a +solution which will satisfy everyone concerned." + +Next day Barefoot received orders to have the tins packed on lorries, +and carried in several loads to the end of the pier, whence they were +neatly cast into the sea. In this way the Mayor was spared the +trouble of finding a dumping-ground, the British Government paid for +the petrol consumed by the lorries, the _Ponts et Chaussées_ bore +the expense of the dredging, and, as Colonel Musgrave said, every one +was satisfied. + + * * * * * + +Colonel Parker, before rejoining the Division, wrote out a report, +as usual, about the operations at B----. + +"I beg to draw attention," the document ran, "to the excellent +organization of the Supply arrangements. Thirty thousand men have +been provided with rations in a harbour where no British base +existed. This result is due especially to the organizing abilities +displayed by Colonel A. C. Musgrave, C.M.G., D.S.O. (R.A.S.C.). +Although this officer has only recently been promoted, I consider it +my duty to recommend him ..." + +"What about Barefoot?" said Aurelle. "Couldn't he be made a captain?" + +"Barefoot? That damned shopkeeper fellow whom Musgrave told me about? +The man who wanted to introduce his methods into the army? He's a +public danger, my boy! But I can propose your friend Major Baraquin +for a C.M.G., if you like." + +"Baraquin?" Aurelle exclaimed in turn. "Why, he always refused +everything you asked him for." + +"Yes," said the colonel; "he's not very easy to get on with; he +doesn't understand things; but he's a soldier, every inch of him! I +like old Baraquin!" + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE STORY OF PRIVATE BIGGS + + "La Nature fait peu de gens vaillants; c'est la bonne institution + et la discipline."--Charron. + + +The new padre was a stout, artless man with a kind face. He was only +just out from England, and delighted the general with his air of +innocent surprise. + +"What's making all that noise?" he asked. + +"Our guns," said Colonel Parker. + +"Really?" replied the padre, in mild astonishment. As he walked into +the camp, he was stopped by a sentry. + +"Who goes there?" + +"Friend," he answered. Then he went up to the man and added +anxiously, "I suppose that was the right thing to answer, wasn't +it?" + +The general was delighted at these stories, and asked the Rev. Mr. +Jeffries to take his meals at his own table. + +"Padre," he said, "don't you think our mess is a happy family?" + +"Padre," chimed in the doctor approvingly, "don't you think that this +mess has all the characteristics of a family? It is just a group of +people thrown together by chance, who never understand each other in +the least, who criticize one another severely, and are compelled by +circumstances to put up with each other." + +"There's nothing to joke about," said Colonel Parker. "It's these +compulsory associations that often give rise to the finest devotion." + +And being in a lively mood that evening, he related the story of +Private Biggs: + +"You remember Biggs, who used to be my orderly? He was a shy, +refined little fellow, who used to sell neckties in peace-time. He +loathed war, shells, blood and danger. + +"Well, at the end of 1916, the powers that be sent the battalion to +Gamaches training camp. A training camp, padre, is a plot of ground +traversed by imitation trenches, where officers who have never been +near the line teach war-worn veterans their business. + +"The officers in charge of these camps, having a _clientèle_ to +satisfy, start some new fashion every season. This spring I +understand that 'open file' is to be the order of the day; last +autumn 'massed formation' was the watchword of the best firms. +There's a lot of talk been going on for some time, too, about 'firing +from the hip'; that's one of my friend Lamb's absolutely original +creations--a clever fellow that; he ought to do very well. + +"At Gamaches the officer in command was Major Macleod, a bloodthirsty +Scot whose hobby was bayonet work. He was very successful at showing +that, when all's said and done, it's the bayonet that wins battles. +Others before him have sworn that it is only hand-grenades, heavy +guns, or even cavalry that can give a decisive victory. But Macleod's +doctrine was original in one respect: he favoured moral suggestion +rather than actual practice for the manufacture of his soldiers. For +the somewhat repulsive slaughter of bayonet fighting he found it +necessary to inspire the men with a fierce hatred of the enemy. + +"For this purpose he had bags of straw stuffed to the shape of German +soldiers, adorned with a sort of German helmet and painted +field-grey, and these were given as targets to our Highlanders. + +"'Blood is flowing,' he used to repeat as the training proceeded, +'blood is flowing, and you must rejoice at the sight of it. Don't +get tender-hearted; just think only of stabbing in the right place. +To withdraw the bayonet from the corpse, place your foot on the +stomach.' + +"You can imagine how Biggs's soul revolted at these speeches. In vain +did Sergeant-Major Fairbanks of the Guards deliver himself of his +most bloodthirsty _repertoire_; Biggs's tender heart was +horror-struck at the idea of bowels and brains exposed, and it was +always owing to him that the most carefully-prepared charges were +deprived of the warlike frenzy demanded by Major Macleod. + +"'_As_ you were!' Sergeant-Major Fairbanks used to yell. '_As_ you +were! Now then, Private Biggs.' And after twenty attempts had failed, +he would conclude sadly, 'Well, boys, mark my words, come Judgment +Day, when we're all p'radin' for the final review an' the Lord comes +along, no sooner will the Archangel give the order, "'Tention!" than +'e'll 'ave to shout, "As you were! Now then, Private Biggs!"' + +"When the period of training was over, Macleod assembled all our men +in a large shed and gave 'em his celebrated lecture on 'hatred of the +enemy.' + +"I was really curious to hear him, because people at G.H.Q. were +always talking about the extraordinary influence he had over the +troops' _moral_. 'One of Macleod's speeches,' said the Chief of +Staff, 'does the Huns as much harm as ten batteries of heavy +howitzers.' + +"The lecturer began with a ghastly description of the shooting of +prisoners, and went on to a nauseating account of the effects of gas +and a terrible story about the crucifixion of a Canadian sergeant; +and then, when our flesh was creeping and our throats were dry, came +a really eloquent hymn of hate, ending with an appeal to the avenging +bayonet. + +"Macleod was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the sight of our +haggard faces; then, considering we were sufficiently worked up, he +went on: + +"'Now, if there is any one of you who wants anything explained, let +him speak up; I'm ready to answer any questions.' + +"Out of the silence came the still, small voice of Private Biggs. + +"'Please, sir?' + +"'Yes, my man,' said Major Macleod kindly. + +"'Please, sir, can you tell me how I can transfer to the Army Service +Corps?' + +"That evening, in the kitchen, our orderlies discussed the incident, +and discovered in course of conversation that Biggs had never killed +a man. All the others were tough old warriors, and they were much +astonished. + +"Kemble, the general's orderly, a giant with a dozen or so to his +account, was full of pity for the poor little Cockney. 'Mon, mon,' +he said, 'I can hardly believe ye. Why, never a single one? Not +even wounded?' + +"'No,' said Biggs, 'honest Injun. I run so slowly, I'm always the +last to get there--I never get a chance.' + +"Well, a few days later, the battalion was up in the line again, and +was sent into a little stunt opposite Fleurbaix, to straighten out a +salient. You remember, sir? It's one of the best things the Division +has ever done. + +"Artillery preparation, low barrage, cutting +communications--everything came off like clockwork, and we caught the +Boches in their holes like rabbits. + +"While the men were busy with their rifles, grenades and bayonets, +cleaning up the conquered trenches, suddenly a voice was heard +shouting: + +"'Harry, Harry, where are you?... Just send Biggs along here, will +you?... Pass the word along to Private Biggs.' + +"It was the voice of the Highlander, Kemble. Some giant grasped Biggs +by the seat of his trousers and swung him and his rifle up to the +parapet. Then two strong hands seized the little man, and he was +swung in mid-air from man to man right up the file till he was +finally handed over to Kemble, who seized him affectionately with his +left hand, and, full of joy at the dainty treat he had in store for +his friend, cried, 'Mon, mon, look in this wee hole: I've got twa of +'em at the end of my rifle, but I've kept 'em for you.' + +"This is a true story," added Colonel Parker, "and it shows once more +that the British soldier has a kind heart." + +The Rev. Mr. Jeffries had turned very pale. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +AN AIR RAID + + "I do not like seriousness. I think it is irreligious."--Chesterton. + + +"They'll be here soon," said Dr. O'Grady. "The moon is low, and the +shadows are long, and these oblique lights will suit them very well." + +The division was in rest on the hills overlooking Abbeville, and the +doctor was walking to and fro with Colonel Parker and Aurelle along +the lime-bordered terrace, from which they could see the town that +was going to be attacked. From the wet grassy lawns near by groups of +anxious women were scanning the horizon. + +"Yesterday evening, in a suburb," said Aurelle, "they killed a +baker's three children." + +"I am sorry," put in the doctor, "they should be favoured with this +fine weather. The law of the storm seems to be exactly the same for +these barbarians as it is for innocent birds. It's absolutely +contradictory to the notion of a just Divinity." + +"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you are an unbeliever." + +"No," replied the doctor, "I am an Irishman, and I respect the bitter +wisdom of the Catholic faith. But this universe of ours, I confess, +strikes me as completely non-moral. Shells and decorations fall +haphazard from above on the just and the unjust alike; M. Poincaré's +carburettor gets out of order just as often as the Kaiser's. The Gods +have thrown up their job, and handed it over to the Fates. It is true +that Apollo, who is a well-behaved person, takes out his chariot +every morning; that may satisfy the poets and the astronomers, but it +distresses the moralist. How satisfactory it would be if the +resistance of the air were relative to the virtues of the airman, and +if Archimedes' principle did not apply to pirates!" + +"O'Grady," observed Colonel Parker, "you know the words of the psalm: +'As for the ungodly, it is not so with them; but they are like the +chaff which the wind scattereth away from the face of the earth.'" + +"Yes, colonel; but supposing you, a good man, and I, a sinner, were +suddenly hit by a bomb----" + +"But, doctor," Aurelle interrupted, "this science of yours is after +all only an act of faith." + +"How so, my boy? It is obvious that there are laws in this world. If +I press the trigger of this revolver, the bullet will fly out, and +if General Webb is given an Army Corps, General Bramble will have a +bilious attack." + +"Quite so, doctor; you observe a few series linked together, and you +conclude that the world is governed by laws. But the most important +facts--life, thought, love--elude your observations. You may perhaps +be sure that the sun is going to rise to-morrow morning, but you +don't know what Colonel Parker is going to say next minute. Yet you +assert that the colonel is a machine; that is because your religion +tells you to." + +"So does every one else's religion," said the doctor. "Only yesterday +I read in the Bishop of Broadfield's message: 'The prayers for rain +cannot take place this week, as the barometer is too high.'" + +Far away over the plain, in the direction of Amiens, the +star-sprinkled sky began to flicker with tiny, flashing points of +light. + +"Here they come," said Aurelle. + +"They'll be ten minutes yet," said the doctor. They resumed their +walk. + +"O'Grady," Colonel Parker put in, "you're getting more crazy every +day. You claim, if I comprehend your foolish ideas aright, that a +scientist can foretell rain better than an Anglican bishop. What a +magnificent paradox! Meteorology and medicine are far less solid +sciences than theology. _You_ say that the universe is governed by +laws, don't you? Nothing is less certain. It is true that chance +seems to have established a relative balance in the tiny corner of +the universe which we inhabit, but there is nothing to show that this +balance is going to last. If you were to press the trigger of this +revolver to-morrow, it is just possible that it would not go off. It +is also possible that the German aeroplanes will cease to fly, and +that General Bramble will take a dislike to the gramophone. _I_ +should not be surprised at any of these things; I should simply +recognize that supernatural forces had come into our lives." + +"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you know the clock which my orderly Brommit +winds up every evening? Let us suppose that on one of the molecules +that go to make up the minute-hand of that clock there live a race of +beings who are infinitely small, and yet as intelligent as we are. +These little creatures have measured their world, and have noticed +that the speed of its motion is constant; they have discovered that +their planet covers a fixed distance in a fixed period of time, which +for us is a minute and for them a century. Amongst their people there +are two schools of thought. The scientists claim that the laws of the +universe are immutable, and that no supernatural power can intervene +to change them. The believers admit the existence of these laws, but +they also assert that there is a divine being who can interfere with +their course; and to that being they address prayers. In that tiny +world, which of them is right? The believers, of course; for there is +such a being as Private Brommit, and if he forgets one evening to +wind up the clock, the scientists and all their proud theories will +vanish away like smoke in a cataclysm which will bring whole worlds +to their doom." + +"That's so," said the doctor; "but if they had prayed----" + +"Listen," interrupted Aurelle. + +The park had become strangely silent; and though there was no wind, +they could hear the gentle rustling of the leaves, the barking of a +dog in the valley, the crackling of a twig under a bird's weight. Up +above, in the clear sky, there was a feeling of some hostile +presence, and a disagreeable little buzzing sound, as though there +were some invisible mosquito up among the stars. + +"They're here now," said the doctor. + +The noise increased: a buzzing swarm of giant bees seemed to be +approaching the hill. + +Suddenly there was a long hiss, and a ray of light leaped forth from +the valley and began to search the sky with a sort of superhuman +thoroughness. The women on the lawn ran away to the shelter of the +trees. The short, sharp barking of the guns, the deeper rumble of the +bombs that were beginning to fall on the town, and the earth-shaking +explosions terrified them beyond endurance. + +"I'm going to shut my eyes," said one, "it's easier like that." + +"My God," exclaimed another, "I can't move my legs an inch!" + +"Fear," said the doctor, "shows itself in hereditary reflexes. Man, +when in danger, seeks the pack, and fright makes his flesh creep, +because his furred ancestors bristled all over when in combat, in +order to appear enormous and terrible." + +A terrific explosion shook the hill, and flames arose over the town. + +"They're aiming at the station," said the colonel. "Those +searchlights do more harm than good. They simply frame the target and +show it up." + +"When I was at Havre," Aurelle remarked, "a gunner went to ask the +Engineers for some searchlights that were rotting away in some store +or other. 'Quite impossible,' said the engineer; 'they're the war +reserve; we're forbidden to touch them.' He could never be brought to +understand that the war we were carrying on over here was the one +that was specified in his schedule." + +The great panting and throbbing of an aeroplane was coming nearer, +and the whole sky was quivering with the noise of machinery like a +huge factory. + +"My God," exclaimed the doctor, "we're in for it this time!" + +But the stars twinkled gently on, and above the din they heard the +clear, delicate notes of a bird's song--just as though the throbbing +motors, the whizzing shells and the frightened wailing of the women +were nothing but the harmonies devised by the divine composer of some +military-pastoral symphony to sustain the slender melody of a bird. + +"Listen," whispered Colonel Parker, "listen--a nightingale!" + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +LOVE AND THE INFANT DUNDAS + + "... Of which, if thou be a severe sour-complexion'd man, then I + hereby disallow thee to be a competent judge."--_The Compleat + Angler._ + + +The Infant Dundas struck up a rag-time on the sergeant-major's +typewriter, did a juggling turn with the army list, and let forth a +few hunting yells; then, seeing that the interpreter had reached the +required state of exasperation, he said: + +"Aurelle, why should we stay in this camp? Let's go into the town; +I'll get hold of the Intelligence car, and we'll go and see +Germaine." + +Germaine was a pretty, friendly girl who sold novels, chocolates and +electric lamps at Abbeville. Dundas, who was not interested in +women, pretended to have a discreet passion for her; in his mind +France was associated with the idea of love-affairs, and he thought +it the right thing to have a girl-friend there, just as he would have +thought it correct to hunt in Ireland, or to ski at St. Moritz. + +But when Germaine, with feigned timidity, directed on him the slowly +dwindling fire of her gaze, Dundas was afraid to put his arm round +her waist; this rosy-cheeked giant, who was a champion boxer and had +been wounded five times, was as bashful and shy as a child. + +"Good morning," he would say with a blush. + +"Good morning," Germaine would answer, adding in a lower voice for +Aurelle's benefit, "Tell him to buy something." + +In vain did Aurelle endeavour to find books for the Infant. French +novels bored him; only the elder Dumas and Alphonse Daudet found +favour in his eyes. Dundas would buy his seventeenth electric lamp, +stop a few minutes on the doorstep to play with Germaine's black dog +Dick, and then say good-bye, giving her hand a long squeeze and going +away perfectly happy in the thought that he had done his duty and +gone on the spree in France in the correct manner. + +"A nice boy, your friend--but he is rather shy," she used to say. + +On Sundays she went for walks along the river with an enormous mother +and ungainly sisters, escorted gravely by Dundas. The mess did not +approve of these rustic idylls. + +"I saw him sitting beside her in a field," said Colonel Parker, "and +his horse was tied to a tree. I think it's disgusting." + +"It's shameful," said the padre. + +"I'll speak to him about it," said the general, "it's a disgrace to +the mess." + +Aurelle tried to speak up for his friend. + +"Maybe," said the doctor, "pleasure is a right in France, but in +England it's a crime. With you, Aurelle, when girls see you taking a +lady-friend out, their opinion of you goes up. In London, on the +other hand----" + +"Do you mean to say, doctor, that the English never flirt?" + +"They flirt more than you do, my boy; that's why they say less about +it. Austerity of doctrine bears a direct proportion to strength of +instinct. You like to discuss these matters, because you think +lightly of them, and in that we Irish resemble you. Our great +writers, such as Bernard Shaw, write thousands of paradoxes about +marriage, because their thoughts are chaste. The English are far more +prudish because their passions are stronger." + +"What's all this you're saying, doctor?" interrupted the general. "I +seem to be hearing very strange doctrines." + +"We're talking about French morals, sir." + +"Is it true, Messiou," inquired Colonel Parker, "that it is the +custom in France for a man to take his wife and his mistress to the +theatre together to the same box?" + +"You needn't try to convince Aurelle of your virtue, colonel," said +the doctor; "he's been living with you for four years, and he knows +you." + + * * * * * + +Meanwhile Dundas continued to go down into Abbeville every day and +meet his friend. The shelling had got very bad, and the inhabitants +began to leave the town. Germaine, however, remained calm. One day a +shell hit the shop next door to hers, and shattered the whole of +the whitewashed front of the house, and the plaster crumbling away +revealed a fine wooden building which for the last two centuries +had been concealing its splendid carved beams beneath a wretched +coat of whitewash. So also did Germaine, divested by danger of her +superficial vulgarity, suddenly show her mettle and prove herself +the daughter of a race of soldiers. + +Accordingly Dundas had conceived a warm and respectful friendship for +her. But he went no further until one day when the alarm caught them +together just as he was bidding her good-bye; then only did the +darkness and the pleasant excitement of danger cause him to forget +ceremony and convention for a few minutes. + +Next day Germaine presented the Infant with a fat yellow book; it was +Madame de Staëls _Corinne_. The rosy-cheeked one looked askance at +the small closely printed pages. + +"Aurelle," he implored, "be a good chap and tell me what it's all +about--I'm not going to read the damned thing!" + +"It's the story of a young Scotch laird," replied Aurelle, "who wants +to marry a foreign girl against his family's wish." + +"My God!" exclaimed Dundas. "Do you think she expects me to marry +her? My cousin Lord Bamford married a dancer and he's very happy; +he's the gentleman and she has the brains. But in this case it's the +mother--she's a terrible creature!" + +"The Zulus," put in the doctor, who was listening, "have a religious +custom which forbids the bridegroom-elect to see his mother-in-law. +Should he happen but to see her footprints in the sand, he must turn +and flee. Nothing could be wiser; for love implies an absurd and +boundless admiration for the loved one, and her mother, appearing to +the lover in the very image of his beloved without the charm and +liveliness of youth, will deter him from that brief spell of folly +which is so necessary for the propagation of the species." + +"Some mothers are charming," argued Aurelle. + +"That's another danger," said the doctor, "for as the mother always +tends to live her daughter's emotional life, there is a constant risk +of her falling in love with her son-in-law." + +"My God!" cried Dundas, horror-struck. + +However, the German airmen set his fears at rest that very evening by +destroying half the town. The statue of Admiral Courbet in the middle +of the square near the bookseller's shop was hit by a bomb. The +admiral continued to point an outstretched finger towards the +station, but the bookseller cleared out. Germaine followed him +regretfully. + +As she was unable to take her dog Dick--a horrid mongrel, half-poodle +and half-spaniel--Dundas gravely consented to look after him. He +loved dogs with a sentimental warmth which he denied to men. Their +ideas interested him, their philosophy was the same as his, and he +used to talk to them for hours at a time like a nurse to her +children. + +The general and Colonel Parker were not a bit astonished when he +introduced Dick into the mess. They had found fault with him for +falling in love, but they approved of his adopting a dog. + +Dick, an Abbeville guttersnipe, was therefore admitted to the +refinements of the general's table. He remained, however, a rough son +of the people, and barked when Private Brommit appeared with the +meat. + +"Behave yourself, sir," Dundas said to him, genuinely shocked, +"behave yourself. A well-brought-up dog never, never does that. A +good dog never barks indoors, never, never, never." + +Germaine's pet was offended and disappeared for three days. The +orderlies reported he had been seen in the country in doubtful +company. At last he returned, cheerful and unkempt, with one ear torn +and one eye bleeding, and asked to be let in by barking merrily. + +"You're a very naughty dog, sir," said Dundas as he nursed him +adroitly, "a very, very bad little dog indeed." + +Whereupon he turned towards the general. + +"I'm very much afraid, sir," he said, "that this fellow Dick is not +quite a gentleman." + +"He's a French dog," replied General Bramble with sorrowful +forbearance. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +A GREAT CHEF + + "Le roi ordonnait le matin petit souper ou très petit souper; + mais ce dernier était abondant et de trois services sans le + fruit."--Saint-Simon. + + +In the month of February 1918, Aurelle was ordered by the French +mission at British G.H.Q. to report at the _sous-préfecture_ at +Abbeville and to hold himself for one day at the disposal of M. +Lucas, who would call for him in due course. + +Aurelle waited for some time for M. Lucas, who eventually appeared +escorted by an English chauffeur. He was a rather stout, clean-shaven +little man, and wore a well-made blue suit and a yachting cap. With +his hands in his pockets, his curt speech and the authority of his +demeanour, he looked every inch a man accustomed to command. + +"You are the interpreter from G.H.Q.?" he asked. "Have you a written +order?" + +Aurelle was obliged to admit he had only received an order by +telephone. + +"I can't understand it!" said M. Lucas. "The most necessary +precautions are neglected. Have you at least been told who I am? No? +Well, listen to me, my friend, and kindly hold your tongue for a +minute." + +He went and shut the door of the _sous-préfet's_ office, and came +back to the interpreter. "I am----" he began. + +He looked nervously about him, closed a window, and whispered very +softly, "I am His Majesty the King of England's chef." + +"Chef?" Aurelle repeated, not grasping his meaning. + +"His Majesty the King of England's chef," the great man deigned to +repeat, smiling kindly at the astonishment the young man showed at +this revelation. + +"You must know, my friend, that to-morrow the President of the +Republic is to be His Majesty's guest in this town. The activity of +the German airmen obliges us to keep the programme secret till the +last moment. However, I have been sent out in advance with Sir +Charles to inspect the British Officers' Club, where the lunch is to +take place. You are to accompany me there." + +So they set off for the former Château de Vauclère, now transformed +by British genius for comfort into an officers' club, Aurelle +escorting the royal cook and the equerry, who was an old English +gentleman with a pink face, white whiskers and grey spats. Above +their heads circled the squadron of aeroplanes which had been ordered +to protect the favoured city. + +During the drive, M. Lucas condescended to say a few words of +explanation. + +"Our lunch is to be quite informal; the menu very simple--ever since +the beginning of the war His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people--river trout, _tournedos aux pommes,_ some +fruit, and cider to drink." + +"But, Monsieur Lucas," interrupted Sir Charles timidly, "you know Her +Majesty prefers to drink milk." + +"The Queen will drink cider like every one else," replied the chef +curtly. + +Sir Charles was charmed with the paved courtyard of the château, the +brick and stone façade with its carved escutcheons, the simple +curves of the dining-room panelling, and the picture over the door, +which he attributed, not without reason, to Nattier. + +"It's very, very small," murmured M. Lucas pensively. "However, as +it's war-time----" + +Then he inquired about the kitchen. It was a vast and well-lighted +place; the red and white tiles on the polished floor shone brightly +in the sunshine; magnificent but useless copper saucepans hung upon +the walls. + +In front of the oven a cook in a white cap was at work with a few +assistants. Surprised by the noise, he turned round, and, suddenly +recognizing the man in the blue suit, went as white as his cap, and +dropped the pan he was holding in his hand. + +"You?" he exclaimed. + +"Yes, my friend," replied the august visitor quite simply. "What a +surprise to find you here! What a pleasure also," he added kindly. +"Ah, now I feel relieved! An alfresco meal, a strange kitchen like +this, made me very anxious, I must confess. But with such a +lieutenant as you, my dear friend, the battle is already half won." + +"Yes," he continued, turning towards Aurelle, who was gazing with +emotion upon the encounter and thinking of Napoleon entrusting his +cavalry to Ney on the eve of Waterloo, "it is a curious coincidence +to find Jean Paillard here. At the age of fifteen we made our +_début_ together under the great Escoffier. When I was appointed +chef to the Ritz, Paillard took charge of the Carlton; when I took +Westminster, he accepted Norfolk." + +Having thus unconsciously delivered himself of this romantic +couplet--which goes to prove once again that poetry is the ancient +and natural expression of all true feeling--M. Lucas paused for a +moment, and, lowering his gaze, added in an infinitely expressive +undertone: + +"And here I am now with the King. What about you?" + +"I?" replied the other with a touch of shame. "It's only two months +since I was released; till then I was in the trenches." + +"What!" exclaimed M. Lucas, scandalized. "In the trenches? A chef +like you!" + +"Yes," answered Jean Paillard with dignity. "I was cook at G.H.Q." + +With a shrug of resignation the two artists deplored the waste of +talent for which armed democracies are responsible; and M. Lucas +began in resolute tones to announce his plan of campaign. He had the +curt precision which all great captains possess. + +"Since the war broke out, His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people. Therefore the menu is to be very simple: +_truite à la Bellevue, tournedos aux pommes_, some fruit.--Of course +there will have to be an entrée and some dessert for the Staff. The +drink will be cider." + +"May I remind you, Monsieur Lucas," Sir Charles put in anxiously, +"that Her Majesty prefers to drink milk?" + +"I have already told you," said the chef, annoyed, "that the Queen +will drink cider like everybody else.... Nevertheless, Paillard, you +will kindly show me the contents of your cellar; there will, of +course, have to be wine for the Staff. The _tournedos_, I need hardly +say, are to be grilled over a charcoal fire, and larded, of course. +As to salad--seasoning, tomatoes and walnuts----" + +As he gave his orders, he illustrated their execution with gestures +of the utmost solemnity, and his hands moved busily amongst imaginary +saucepans. + +"The menu is short," he said, "but it must be perfect. The great cook +is better recognized by the perfection of a piece of beef--or let me +say rather by the seasoning of a salad--than by the richness of his +sweets. One of the finest successes in my career--the one I enjoy +recalling above all others--is that of having initiated the English +aristocracy into the mysteries of Camembert. The choice of fruit--now +I come to think of it, Paillard, have you any peaches?" + +"I should think we had!" said the latter, breaking open the lid of a +crate which revealed a number of delicately shaded ripe peaches +glowing in their beds of straw and cotton-wool. + +The chef took one and stroked it gently. + +"Paillard, Paillard," he said sadly, "do you call _these_ peaches? I +can see you have been a soldier, poor fellow. Never mind, I can send +the car to Montreuil." + +He remained a few minutes longer in meditation; then, satisfied at +last, he decided to leave the château. In the street, he took +Aurelle's arm very kindly. + +"My friend," he said, "I think that will do, thank you. And if you +ever have the opportunity of seeing Their Majesties, don't let it +slip by. In France, you have very wrong ideas, I assure you; since +the Revolution, you have a prejudice against Royal Families. It is +childish; you can take my word for it. I have been living with this +one for more than five years, and I assure you they are quite +respectable people." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +PRÉLUDE À LA SOIRÉE D'UN GÉNÉRAL + + "... of cabbages and kings."--Lewis Carroll. + + +A blue forage-cap appeared under the flap of the camouflaged tent. + +"Messiou," cried the general, "we were beginning to despair of ever +seeing you again." + +"Yo-ho! Hello--o!" shouted the Infant Dundas. "I _am_ glad! Come and +have some lunch, old man." + +Aurelle, happy to find his friends again, fell to heartily on the +mutton, boiled potatoes and mint sauce. When they reached the cheese, +General Bramble questioned him about his journey. + +"Well, Messiou, what about your leave? What is Paris looking like +nowadays, and why did your mother the French Mission tell us she was +keeping you two days at Abbeville?" + +Aurelle told then the story of M. Lucas and of the King's visit. + +"What's that, Messiou?" said General Bramble. "You've seen our King? +Does he look well?" + +"Very well indeed, sir." + +"Good old George!" muttered the general tenderly. "Yes, he looked +quite well when he came here. Tell us that story of the cook over +again, Messiou; it's a jolly good story." + +Aurelle complied, and when he had done, he bent over towards Colonel +Parker and asked him why the general spoke of the King like an +affectionate nurse. + +"The King," said the colonel, "is much more to us than you might +imagine. To the general, who is an Etonian, he is a kind of +neighbour. To Dundas, he's the colonel of his regiment. To the padre, +he's the head of the Church. To an old Tory like me, he's the living +embodiment of England's traditions and prejudices, and the pledge of +her loyalty to them in the future. As for the paternal tone, that's +because for half a century the King was a Queen. Loyalism became an +attitude of protective chivalry; nothing could have consolidated the +dynasty more firmly. Royalty is beloved not only by the aristocracy +but by all classes. It's a great asset to a people without +imagination like ours to be able to see in one man the embodiment of +the nation." + +"Messiou," interposed the general, "didn't they give you an M.V.O. +for your services?" + +"What is that, sir--a new ribbon?" + +"My God!" exclaimed Dundas, much scandalized. "You've never heard of +the Victorian Order?" + +"When King Edward played bridge," said the general, "and his partner +left it to him at the right moment, the King used to declare with +great satisfaction, 'No trumps, and you're an M.V.O.!'" + +"The idea that a word from the sovereign's lips or the contact of his +person is sufficient to cure his subjects, is a very ancient and +beautiful one," said the colonel. "Before he started distributing +ribbons, the King used to cure scrofula. That excellent custom, +however, came to an end with William of Orange, who used to say to +the patient while he was operating, 'God give you better health and +more sense!'" + +"The King's taboo has also disappeared," said the doctor. + +"I can assure you," said Aurelle, "that his taboo is still effective. +On the platform before he arrived there were three A.P.M.'s bustling +about and chasing away the few spectators. As the train came into +the station one of them ran up to me and said, 'Are you the +interpreter on duty? Well, there's a seedy-looking chap over +there, who seems up to no good. Go and tell him from me that if he +doesn't clear out immediately I'll have him arrested.' I did so. +'Arrest me!' said the man. 'Why, I'm the special _commissaire de +police_ entrusted with the King's safety.'" + + * * * * * + +"Well, Messiou," inquired the general, "have you brought me back any +new records from Paris for my gramophone?" + +Aurelle unstrapped his kit and proceeded, not without some anxiety, +to unpack "Le Prélude à l'Après-midi d'un Faune." + +"I don't know whether you'll like it, sir; it's modern French music." + +"I'm sure it's very fine, Messiou," said the general confidently. And +in the interest of international courtesy he immediately assumed +the beatific expression he usually kept for Caruso. + +After the first few notes, an air of bewilderment appeared upon his +kindly face. He looked at Aurelle, whom he was surprised to find +quite unmoved; at Colonel Parker, who was hard at work; at the +doctor, who was inclining his head and listening devoutly; and, +resigning himself to his fate, he waited for the end of the +acidulated and discordant noises. + +"Well, Messiou," he said when it was over, "it's very nice of you not +to have forgotten us--but----" + +"Yes," put in Colonel Parker, looking up, "but I'm damned if it's +music!" + +"What?" shouted the doctor, scandalized. "A masterpiece like that? +Not music?" + +"Come, come," said the general soothingly, "maybe it wasn't written +for the gramophone. But, doctor, I should like you to explain." + +"Have you seen the Russian Ballet, sir? The faun, lying on a rock, is +watching for the nymphs and playing in a monotonous key on his flute. +At last they appear, half dressed; he pursues them, but they fly +away, and one of them drops a sash, which is all he gets." + +"This is very interesting," said the general, much excited. "Wind up +the gramophone, Messiou, and give us the disc over again; I want to +see the half-dressed nymphs. Make a sign to me at the right moment." + +Once again the instrument filled the rustic dug-out with the wistful +grace of the Prelude. Aurelle murmured in a low voice: + + "Ce nymphes, je les veux perpétuer, si clair + Leur incarnat léger qu'il voltige dans l'air + Assoupi de sommeils touffus...." + +"Bravo, Messiou!" said the general, when the last notes rang out. "I +like it better already than I did the first time. I'm sure I'll get +used to it in the end." + +"I shan't," said Colonel Parker. "I shall always prefer 'God Save the +King.'" + +"Yes," replied the doctor; "but your children will hum 'Pelléas,' +and your grandchildren will say, 'Do you know that old tune that used +to be the rage in grandfather's time?' What you never can get used +to, colonel, is finding yourself in the presence of a somewhat more +complex work of art than the childish productions to which you are +accustomed. Nature is not simple; she takes the theme of a fox-trot +and makes a funeral march out of it; and it is just these +incongruities that are the essence of all poetry. I appeal to you for +an opinion, Aurelle, as a citizen of the country which has produced +Debussy and Mallarmé." + +"Have you ever heard the excellent saying of Renoir, the old French +painter: 'Don't ask _me_,' he said, 'whether painting ought to be +subjective or objective; I confess I don't care a rap.'" + +"Ah, Messiou," sighed the general, "the confounded fellow was quite +right too!" + + + + +CHAPTER X + +PRIVATE BROMMIT'S CONVERSION + + "Paris vaut bien une messe."--Henri IV. + + +Aurelle was wakened every morning by Colonel Parker's orderly, a +tough, thick-set, astute old soldier, who expounded the unwritten +laws of the army for the benefit of the young Frenchman as he +dexterously folded his clothes. + +"You know, sir," he said, "'as 'ow the British Tommy 'as to go to +church in peace-time every blessed Sunday. When the time for p'rade +comes along, the orficer on dooty gives the order to fall in +accordin' to religions, an' the Church of England men, an' the +Presbyterians an' the Cath'lics is marched up to their services, +rifles an' all. + +"The orficer takes charge of one of the detachments, an' in the +others the senior N.C.O. for each religion marches at the head. +Wotever dodge you try on, there's no gettin' out of it. + +"When once you've gone an' accepted the King's shillin', it stands to +reason you've got to put up with lots o' things, but Church P'rade's +_the_ very limit. Don't you take me for a 'eathen, sir; I'm much more +of a believer than 'eaps of others. I don't mind singin' 'ymns, an' +when the preacher can talk a bit, I don't objeck to sermons. But what +used to get on my nerves was the cleanin' up Sunday mornin's. You've +only seen us in khaki; you don't know our peace-time church togs. +Some blasted togs they were too, an' no mistake--all glitterin' with +blinkin' red an' gold, an' covered with white beltin'. An' the +inspection before you start wasn't no joke, I can tell you. Many's +the weeks' pay I've 'ad stopped, all on account of Sunday mornin's. +I'm a pretty good soldier on active service, sir--why, you seen me at +Loos, didn't you?--but what I can't stick is all them barricks an' +fatigues an' cleanin' ups. + +"F'r a long time I used to say to myself, 'Brommit, my boy, you're a +blasted idiot--I can understand a young rookie with only two or three +years' service not managin' to get out of Church P'rade, but a +soldier of fifteen years' standin' ought to know the tricks of the +trade by this time. If _you_ can't manage to stop quietly in bed on +Sunday mornin's, you ain't worth yer service stripes,' I says. + +"But the more I thought about it the more 'opeless it seemed. Our +colonel was old W. J. Reid--Slippery Bill we used to call 'im, 'cos +'e was as slippery as a soapy plank! 'E _was_ an old monkey-face, +an' no mistake. + +"One day I was called up to the orderly-room to sign somethin' or +other, an' I sees a poster on the wall: 'Classification according to +religions'--neat little chart it was: 'Church of England, so +many--Presbyterians, so many--Catholics, so many.' You bet I didn't +pay much attention to the numbers. Wot caught my eye was a column +sayin', 'Wesleyans, None.' An' all of a sudden I saw my game. + +"'Wesleyans, None.' So there wasn't even a bloomin' Wesleyan N.C.O. +to take what Wesleyans there might be to chapel! Probably there +wasn't even one bloomin' Wesleyan minister in the little Irish town +where we was billeted. I saw myself at last stayin' in bed every +blessed Sunday mornin'. At the very worst, if that there little +religion 'ad a chapel, I'd be sent there on my own, and a detachment +of one can always be trusted to find its way about. Wesleyan--that +was the winner. + +"Still, I 'ad one anxiety to 'old me back: I didn't for the life of +me know what that there fancy religion might be. I'm not exackly a +pious bloke, but I'm a good Christian, an' I didn't want to make a +damned idiot o' myself. Besides, it would probably be a serious +matter, I thought, to change your religion in the army. P'r'aps I'd +'ave to see old Bill 'imself about it, an' Bill wasn't exactly one of +them fellers you can take in with some 'arf-baked tale. + +"It was no good trying to get to know anythink in barricks. I'd only +'ave attracted notice at an awkward moment. But I knew a girl in the +town as knew people 'oo knowed, so I asked 'er to make inquiries. + +"She gave me an A1 character. An' blowed if I 'adn't been an' found +quite a decent religion; it suited me down to the ground. O' course +you know 'oo Wesley was, sir? 'E was a feller as thought that bishops +an' chaplains in 'is time didn't act accordin' to Scripture. 'E +preached the return to poverty an' 'umbleness an' love of one's +neighbour. You bet the Church of England couldn't swallow that! On +the 'ole it was an 'onest kind of religion, an' a decent chap like me +might very well 'ave gone in for it without its appearin' too out o' +the way. + +"Well, when I'd got myself well primed up about old Wesley, I felt as +'ow a little interview with Bill wasn't such a terrible thing after +all. So I goes to see the sergeant-major, and tells 'im I wants to +speak to the colonel. + +"'Wot about?' 'e asks. + +"'Strickly privit,' I says. + +"'E'd 'ave liked to 'ave got my story out o' me then an' there, 'e +would, but I knew my only chance was to take Bill off 'is guard, so +I kep' the secret of my plan of attack. + +"'Well, Brommit,' says the old man quite pleasant like, 'have you got +any complaint to make?' + +"'No complaints, sir,' says I; 'everything's O.K. But I've asked +leave to speak to you, 'cos I wanted to tell you, sir, as 'ow I +intend to change my religion.' + +"I saw I'd got old Bill set for once, an' no mistake. + +"'Change your religion?' 'e says. 'Stuff and nonsense! Have you ever +heard of such a thing, sergeant-major? What's your religion at +present?' + +"'Church of England, sir; but I wish to be put down in future as +Wesleyan.' + +"'Well, I'm----! Who on earth put that notion into your head, my man? +Has the padre offended you, or what?' + +"'Oh no, sir, not at all; on the contrary, Mr. Morrison's always +been very kind to me. No, it ain't that at all, sir; but I don't +believe in the Church of England no more, that's all.' + +"'You don't believe any more...? What don't you believe? What do +_you_ know about beliefs and dogmas?' + +"'Why, sir, lots o' things,' I says. 'F'r instance, there's the +bishops; I don't 'old with their way of livin', sir.' + +"'By Jove, sergeant-major, do you hear this damned idiot? He doesn't +hold with the bishops' way of living! May I ask, Brommit, where you +have had occasion to observe the ways of bishops?' + +"'Well, sir, Wesley was a splendid fellow ...' An' off I starts to +spit out everythink my girl 'ad managed to get 'old of, without +lettin' 'im put in a word. You bet 'e'd 'ad enough of it after five +minutes. 'E'd 'ave liked to shut me up, but 'e couldn't do that +without grantin' me wot I was askin' for. There was no flies on +_my_ conversion, I can tell you; I 'ad real live scruples; I'd +been thinkin' too much. You can't punish a chap becos 'e thinks +too much. + +"The old man knew 'is job as well as I knew mine. 'E saw at once 'e +only 'ad one thing to do. + +"'All right,' 'e said. 'After all, it's your own affair, my man. +Sergeant-major, put him down as a Wesleyan. Brommit, you will come +back to my room on Friday evening, and meanwhile I will arrange +matters with the Wesleyan minister so that you can attend the +services. You know where he lives, of course?' + +"'No, sir, I don't know 'im.' + +"'That's rather strange. Well, never mind, I'll find him. Come back +on Friday, Brommit.' + +"Slippery old Bill! 'E knew a thing or two, 'e did! Next Friday +evenin', when I went up to 'im, 'e says: + +"'Ah! I've settled everything,' says 'e. 'I've seen the Wesleyan +minister, the Rev. Mr. Short. A charming man, Mr. Short. It's settled +with him that you're to go to chapel on Sunday mornings at nine and +on Sunday evenings at six. Yes, there are two services; Wesleyans are +very strict. Of course if by any chance you miss a service, Mr. Short +is sure to let me know, and I would take the necessary steps. But +there's no need to think of that, is there? A man who takes the +trouble to change his religion at the age of thirty is hardly likely +to miss a service. So that's all right, Brommit.' + +"Oh, damn cute 'e was, was Slippery Bill! Next Sunday off I goes to +the Reverend Short's chapel. Tall, lean chap 'e was, with a real +wicked face. 'E gave us an awful sermon all about 'ow we were to +reform our lives, an' about all the things we was to renounce in this +world, an' about the 'orrible fire as was awaitin' us in the next if +we didn't follow 'is advice. After the service Mr. Short comes up to +me an' asks me to stay on after the others. Blowed if 'e didn't keep +me till twelve o'clock jawin' me about the dooties my noo faith +brought me an' about wot I read an' 'oo I talked to. By the time I +got away from 'im I was 'arf stunned; an' I 'ad to go again in the +evenin'! + +"Every blinkin' Sunday the same thing 'appened. I used to spend the +'ole week swearin' and sendin' Short an' Wesley to the 'ottest place +in the world. Once I tried on not goin' to chapel; but the miserable +old 'ound split on me to the colonel, an' I 'ad a week's pay stopped. +Then that there blessed Congregation invented Friday evenin' +lectures; and the converted soldier, sent by kind permission of the +colonel, was the finest ornament they 'ad. + +"Well, wot put an end to my patience was a month later, when Short +'ad the cheek to jaw me personally about the girl I was walkin' out +with. I went clean mad then, an' was ready for anythink, even for +'avin' it out again with Bill, rather than put up with that maniac's +talk. + +"'Please, sir,' I tells the colonel, 'I'm sorry to trouble you again +with my religion, but this 'ere Wesleyanism don't satisfy me at all. +It ain't a bit wot I'd 'oped for.' + +"I expected to get jolly well strafed, but I didn't. Bill just looked +at me with a smile. + +"'That's all right, Brommit,' 'e said; 'the Government pays me for +looking after the moral health of my men. And may I inquire what +religion is at present enjoying the favour of your approval?' + +"'Well, sir, I don't see none at all. I've made myself a sort o' +religion o' my own--if you'll allow it, of course.' + +"'I? Why, it's none of _my_ business, Brommit. On the contrary, I +admire the vitality of your mind. You've evidently got beliefs of +your own; that's a very good sign indeed. It's just that they will +not admit the obligation of going to a place of public worship on a +Sunday, that's all. I presume I am taking you correctly?' + +"'Yes, sir, quite correctly.' + +"'What an admirable coincidence, Brommit! For a long time I've been +looking for somebody to scrub the stairs thoroughly on Sundays, while +the men are at church. Sergeant-major, put Brommit down as an +Agnostic--on permanent fatigue for scrubbing the stairs on Sunday +mornings.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +JUSTICE + + +The D.M.S. had sent round a note to all A.D.M.S.'s reminding them +that all officers and men were to be inoculated against typhoid +fever. So the A.D.M.S. of the Scottish Division ordered the different +units to send in a nominal roll of all those who had not been +inoculated. Most of the negligent confessed their sin; many of them +were believers, and those who were not, respected the customs of +their times and piously submitted to the ceremony. + +Only the 113th Battery, R.F.A., sent in the following roll: + + | Names. | Condition. | Reason given for | + | | | exemption. | + | | | | + | Capt. Cockell | | Do not believe in | + | Lieut. Little | Not yet inoculated. | the efficacy of | + | Lieut. M'Cracken | Refuse inoculation. | the operation. | + | | | | + +The A.D.M.S. in high dudgeon complained to the Staff and requested +the temporal powers to deliver the heretics over to the lancet. The +temporal powers, while paying due reverence to medical infallibility, +requested the A.D.M.S. to attempt a conversion. + +The 113th Battery was famous for its courage and its daring deeds. +Dr. O'Grady was entrusted with the mission of visiting Captain +Cockell and bringing that erring soul back to the fold. + +The gunners gave the doctor a warm welcome. Their dug-out was +comfortable, their arm-chairs, made by the men out of the branches of +fir-trees, were luxuriously low and deep. O'Grady dropped into one, +and looked about him anxiously. + +"It is a remarkable fact," he said, "that thirst and hunger should +make themselves felt by sensations in the mouth and stomach only, +and not in the rest of the body. At this very moment, when all my +organs are quite dry for lack of decent whisky, I am only warned +by the mucous membrane in my mouth----" + +"Orderly! The whisky! Quick!" shouted Captain Cockell. + +Whereupon the doctor, his mind set at rest, was able to explain the +object of his mission. + +"Doctor," answered Captain Cockell, "there is nothing I would not do +for you. But I consider anti-typhoid inoculation, next to poison-gas, +to be the most dangerous practice in this war." + +The doctor, who was a skilful reader of character, saw at once that +only liberal doctrines would help him to success. + +"Oh," he exclaimed genially, "you needn't think I share the usual +medical superstitions. But I do believe that inoculation has +practically done away with deaths caused by typhoid. Statistics +show----" + +"Doctor, you know as well as I do that statistics may be made to say +anything one likes. There are fewer cases of typhoid in this war than +in former wars simply because the general sanitary conditions are +much better. Besides, when a fellow who has been inoculated is silly +enough to be ill--and that _has_ been known to occur--you simply say, +'It isn't typhoid--it's para-typhoid.'" + +"Which is perfectly true," said the doctor; "the pseudo-bacillus----" + +"Oh, that stunt about the pseudo-bacillus! Next time you're wounded, +doctor, I'll say it was by a pseudo-shell!" + +"Very well, very well," said the doctor, somewhat nettled. "I'll just +wait till next time you're ill. Then we'll see whether you despise +doctors or not." + +"That's a poor argument, doctor, very poor indeed. I'm quite ready to +acknowledge that a sick man is in need of moral support and requires +the illusion of a remedy, just like a woman in love. Therefore +doctors are necessary, just like thought-readers. I simply submit it +should be recognized that both professions are of a similar order." + +The energetic Cockell had inspired his two young lieutenants with +respectful admiration. They remained as firm as he in their refusal; +and after an excellent lunch Dr. O'Grady returned to H.Q. and +informed his chief of the cynicism of the 113th Battery and the +obstinacy of the heretical sect in those parts. + +The A.D.M.S. sent the names of the three officers up to H.Q., and +demanded the general's authority to put a stop to this scandal; and +Colonel Parker promised to let the Corps know of the matter. + + * * * * * + +Some time before this, the French Government had placed at +the disposal of the British authorities a certain number of +"Legion of Honour" decorations--to wit, two Grand Officer's +badges, twelve Commander's cravats, twenty-four Officer's +rosettes, and a considerable number of Knight's crosses. + +The two Governments were in the habit of exchanging armfuls of +ribbons at regular intervals in this way, and the apportioning of +these trifles created a useful occupation for the numerous members of +all staffs and their still more numerous clerks. + +The distribution was performed according to wisely appointed rules. +Of each batch of decorations G.H.Q. took one half for its own +members, and passed on the other half to the Army Staffs. The Army +Staffs kept half of what they received, and passed on the remainder +to the Corps Staffs. The same method was applied right down to the +Battalion Staffs, and it will readily be observed (with the help of +an elementary arithmetical calculation) that the likelihood of the +men in the line ever receiving a foreign decoration was practically +nonexistent. + +The Scottish Division received as its share on this occasion three +crosses. Colonel Parker and the other demi-gods of the divisional +Olympus being already provided for, these were allotted to +dignitaries of minor importance. It was decided that one should be +given to Dr. O'Grady, who had done great service to the French +population (he had assisted a Belgian refugee in childbirth and she +had survived his ministrations). The second was marked down for the +D.A.D.O.S., and the third for the A.D.V.S., a genial fellow +who was very popular in the mess. + +The names of the three lucky men were handed by a Staff officer to an +intelligent clerk with orders to draw up immediately a set of nominal +rolls for the Corps. + +Unfortunately the clerk happened to be the very same man to whom +Colonel Parker had given the list of the three heretics of the 113th +Battery the day before. But who can blame him for having confused two +groups of three names? And who can blame the officer on duty for +having signed two nominal rolls without reading them? + +A month later, the Division was surprised to hear that Captain +Cockell and Lieutenants Little and M'Cracken had been made Knights of +the Legion of Honour. As they really deserved it, the choice caused +considerable astonishment and general rejoicing; and the three +warriors, happy to see three decorations reach them intact after +having passed through so many covetous hands, were loud in praise of +their superior officers' discrimination. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +VARIATIONS + + "I have no illusions left but the Archbishop of + Canterbury."--Sydney Smith. + + +"When I was attached to a field ambulance," said the doctor, "we had +three padres with us in the mess." + +"That was rather a large order," said the Rev. Mr. Jeffries. + +"It _was_ a large order," agreed the doctor, "but one of them anyway +was quite harmless. The R.C. padre spoke very little, ate an +enormous amount, and listened with infinite contempt to the +discussions of his colleagues. + +"I don't want to hurt your feelings, padre, but Catholicism is _the_ +only religion. A faith is only justified if it carries conviction. +What's the use of a creed or a dogma which is as transient as a +philosophy? Being condemned by my profession to study beings whose +moral balance is unstable, I am in a position to assert that the +Roman Church has a complete understanding of human nature. As a +psychologist and a doctor, I admire the uncompromising attitude of +the Councils. So much weakness and stupidity requires the firm +support of an authority without the slightest tolerance. The curative +value of a doctrine lies not in its logical truth, but in its +permanency." + +"It is quite true," said Colonel Parker, "that nothing short of the +rigid dictates of Catholicism could have prevented the Irish from +going completely mad. But don't judge every one from your own case, +O'Grady; the Saxons possess a solid, Protestant intelligence." + +"Well," the doctor continued, "our other two padres spent their +evenings trying to swallow each other up. One of them was Church of +England and the other Presbyterian; and they employed the most modern +commercial methods in their competition. Church of England found an +old gipsy cart which he set up at Dickebusch and from which he sold +chocolate to the Jocks; whereupon Church of Scotland installed a +telescope at Kruystraete to show them the stars. If the one formed a +cigar-trust, the other made a corner in cigarettes. If one of them +introduced a magic lantern, the other chartered a cinema. But the +permanent threat to the peace of the mess was undoubtedly the Baptist +question. + +"As we had no Baptist padre, the unfortunate soldiers of that +persuasion (of whom there were seven in the Division) could attend no +service. The astonishing thing was that they never seemed to realize +the extent of their misfortune. + +"On one point at any rate our two padres agreed: men could not be +left, in the dangerous zone in which we were then living, without the +consolations of religion. But both Church of England and Church of +Scotland each claimed the right to annex this tiny neutral +congregation. + +"'Excuse me,' said Church of Scotland; 'the Baptist, it is true, only +performs the immersion ceremony when the adult's faith is confirmed, +but on all other points he resembles the Presbyterian. His Church is +a democratic one and is opposed to episcopacy, like ours.' + +"'Pardon me,' said Church of England; 'the Baptist, in demanding a +return to the primitive form of the Sacrament, proves himself to be +the most conservative of all British Christians. Now every +one--including yourself--admits that the Church of England is the +most conservative of all the Reformed Churches. Besides----' + +"For hours at a time they used to go on like this, and the futile +discussion became even more annoying as I got to know the different +arguments as well as either of them. + +"One day I was sent up to the ambulance's advance post at Maple +Copse--you know, that little wood in front of Ypres." + +"Unhealthy spot that," said the general. + +"So unhealthy, sir, that while I was there a whizz-bang hit my +dug-out and blew my sergeant into small pieces, which remained +hanging on the branches of the trees. It was a pity, for he was the +best forward in the brigade football team. I put all I could find of +him into a cloth, announced the burial for the next day, and then, as +it was my turn to be relieved, I went back to the ambulance +headquarters. + +"My return was distinctly lively. On leaving the splendid trench +which is called Zillebeke Road, I was silly enough to cross the +exposed ground near the railway embankment. A machine gun thought it +rather amusing to have a pot at me from Hill 60----" + +"All right, doctor," said General Bramble, "spare us the details." + +"Well, just as I left Ypres, I came across a Ford car which took me +back to camp. In the mess I found Church of England and Church of +Scotland arguing away as usual, while Roman Church was reading his +breviary in a corner. + +"'Satan, whence comest thou?' one of them asked me. + +"'Well, gentlemen,' I replied, 'you ought to be glad to see me, +because I really am back from hell this time.' + +"And I told them my adventures, putting in a lot of local colour +about cannonades, explosions, whistling bullets and hailstorm +barrages, in a style worthy of our best war correspondents." + +"You old humbug!" grunted the colonel. + +"'By the way,' I concluded, 'I've got a job for one of you! +Freshwater, my sergeant, has been blown to bits, and what I could +collect of him is to be buried to-morrow morning. I'll give you the +route--Messines gate, Zillebeke----' + +"I saw the two padres' faces fall swiftly. + +"'What religion?' they both asked simultaneously. + +"'Baptist,' I replied carelessly. 'Have a cigarette, padre?' + +"The two enemies gazed attentively at the ceiling; Roman Church kept +his nose in his breviary and his ears well pricked up. + +"'Well,' said Church of England at length, 'I wouldn't mind going up +to Zillebeke. I've been in worse places to bury a man of my own +Church. But for a Baptist it strikes me, O'Grady----' + +"'Excuse me,' interrupted Church of Scotland. 'Baptism is the most +conservative form of British Christianity, and the Anglican Church +itself boasts----' + +"'I dare say, I dare say,' said the other, 'but is not the Baptist +Church a democratic one, like the Presbyterian?' + +"They might have gone on in this strain till the poor beggar was in +his grave, had not Roman Church suddenly interrupted in a mild voice, +without taking his nose out of his little book: + +"'I'll go, if you like.' + +"Hatred of Popery is the beginning of union, and they both went up +the line together." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE CURE + + "Le _Schein_ et le _Wesen_ sont, pour l'esprit allemand, une seule + et même chose."--Jacques Rivière. + + +"The only decent whisky," said the doctor, "is Irish whisky." +Whereupon he helped himself to a generous allowance of Scotch +whisky, and as they had just been talking about Ludendorff's coming +offensive, he began to discourse upon the Germans. + +"One of the most astounding things about German psychology," he said, +"is their passion for suggesting the appearance of results which they +know they are powerless to attain. A German general who is not in a +position to undertake a real offensive deludes himself into believing +that he will strike terror into his opponent by describing an absurd +and appalling attack in his reports; and a Solingen cutler, if he +cannot manufacture really sharp blades at the required price, will +endeavour to invoke a sort of metaphysical blade which can give its +owner the illusion of a useful instrument. + +"When once this trait of the national character is properly +understood, all the German shoddy which is so much talked about seems +no longer the swindling practice of dishonest tradesmen, but is +simply the material expression of their ingrained Kantianism, and +their congenital inability to distinguish Appearance from Reality. + +"At the sanatorium at Wiesdorf, where I was working when the war +broke out, this method was practised with quite unusual rigour. + +"Doctor Professor Baron von Göteburg was a second-rate scientist, +and he knew it. He had made a lifelong study of the expression, +clothes and manners which would most successfully impress his clients +with the idea that he was the great physician he knew he could never +be. + +"After innumerable careful experiments, which do him the greatest +credit, he had decided on a pointed beard, a military expression, a +frock coat and a baron's title. + +"Everything in his admirable establishment bore the impress of the +kind of scientific precision which is the most striking hall-mark of +ignorance. The Wiesdorf sanatorium extracted from the human carcase +the maximum amount of formulæ, scientific jargon and professional +fees which it could possibly yield. The patients felt themselves +surrounded by a pleasant and luxurious apparatus of diagnoses, +figures and diagrams. + +"Each patient had a suite of rooms furnished, in spite of a rather +obvious Munich atmosphere, with a sense of real comfort and order. +Each floor was under the supervision of a doctor, a lean, athletic +Swedish _masseur_ and a qualified nurse in a white apron. The nurses +were nearly all daughters of the nobility, whose happiness had been +sacrificed to the extravagance of their brothers, who were generally +captains in the Guards. The one attached to the floor I was in charge +of was a French Alsatian with an innocent, obstinate face, whom the +Germans called 'Schwester Therese,' and who asked me to call her +'Soeur Thérèse.' + +"The place was only opened in the spring of 1914, and from the very +first season its success had testified to the excellence of the +system. Photographs were published in all the fashionable papers, and +wealthy clients rushed in with alarming and automatic rapidity. + +"On my floor I had an old American, one James P. Griffith, an English +lady, the Duchess of Broadfield, and a Russian, Princess Uriassof. +None of these three patients displayed symptoms of any illness +whatsoever; they just complained of depression--nothing could amuse +them--and of an appetite which no dish could tempt. When the American +arrived, I considered it my duty to inform the professor of the +excellent health in which I found him. + +"'O'Grady,' he said, staring hard at me with his brilliant, +commanding eyes, 'kindly give yourself less trouble. Your patient is +suffering from congestion of the purse, and I think we shall be able +to give him some relief.' + +"The Duchess of Broadfield longed to put on flesh, and wept all day +long. 'Madam,' Sister Therese said to her, 'if you want to get +stouter, you ought to try and enjoy yourself.' That caused a nice +scene! I was obliged to explain to the nurse that the Duchess was on +no account to be spoken to before eleven in the morning, and that it +was improper to address her without calling her 'Your Grace!' + +"As to Princess Uriassof, she had been preceded by a courier, who had +burst into indignant exclamations at the sight of the Munich +furniture and had demanded genuine antiques. The professor smiled, +and summoned a furniture dealer and his cashier. Followed the +princess with twenty-three boxes and six servants. She was enormously +stout, cried the whole day long, and yearned to reduce her figure. + +"When the lift that was to take her down to the bathroom was not in +front of her door at the very second when she left her room, she used +to stamp her foot in anger, pull her maid's hair and shout: + +"'What? _I_ have to wait; _I_, Princess Uriassof?' + +"That was the kind of patient we had. Only once there came to my +floor a young fellow from the Argentine who really had something +wrong with his liver. I said to him, 'You are not well; you would do +better to go and see a doctor.' + +"Towards the 24th of July the newspapers seemed to cause the noble +clients of Wiesdorf sanatorium considerable anxiety. The note to +Servia, the letters they received from their homes, the clatter of +arms which was beginning to be heard throughout Europe, all began to +point to a vague danger which could not, of course, affect their +sacred persons, but might possibly hinder them from peacefully +cultivating the sufferings which were so dear to them. + +"The Duchess of Broadfield telegraphed to her nephew at the Foreign +Office and got no answer. Princess Uriassof began to hold mysterious +confabulations with her courier. + +"The German doctors soon restored every one's confidence; '_Unser +Friedens-Kaiser_ ... our peace-loving Emperor ... he is cruising on +his yacht ... he has not the slightest thought of war.' + +"The barometers of refreshment vendors are always at 'set-fair,' and +Professor von Göteburg temporized with such authority and diplomacy +that he managed to keep his international _clientèle_ for another +six days. + +"However, the peace-loving Emperor returned only to send threatening +telegrams, and on the 27th the danger became evident even to our +guests' bird-like intellects. + +"Princess Uriassof announced her departure, and sent her courier to +the bank to cash an enormous cheque. He came back with the message +that the bank no longer cashed foreign cheques; whereupon he +disappeared, and was never heard of again. The Princess was beside +herself with rage, and cried that she would have him knouted. She +summoned her German valet, but he was busy buckling on his +_Feldwebel_ uniform. She ordered her French chauffeur to be ready to +start instantly; I went down to the garage with the message myself so +as to get away from her, and discovered that the fellow was a +reservist from Saint-Mihiel, and had left with Her Highness' car to +join his regiment. + +"That morning for the first time, the Duchess and the Princess +condescended to notice the presence of James P. He had a magnificent +100 H.P. American car, and represented their only hope of getting +across the frontier. But James P. had no more petrol, and the Germans +refused to supply him with any, because his car had already been +earmarked for General von Schmack's Staff. + +"The same evening these first three victims of the war sat and +childishly discussed the situation in an untidy room on a bed which +nobody came to make. Their telegrams were no longer forwarded, their +money was worthless, and the German servants in the sanatorium +treated them more as prisoners than as patients. It seemed as though +their fortune and their greatness had suddenly abandoned them at the +first breath of war, like a slender veil torn by the wind from a +woman's shoulders. + +"James P. went to interview Dr. von Göteburg, who answered him with +ironical politeness, and depicted the pitiable plight of a Germany +surrounded and attacked by a world of enemies. If, however, they were +willing to leave him the princess's pearl necklace as security, he +would consent to lend them the few marks they needed to cross the +frontier. + +"Towards midnight I entered the room where this Twilight of the Gods +was drawing to an end, and saw an astounding spectacle. The Duchess +of Broadfield and Princess Uriassof were attempting to pack their own +trunks. Their lack of experience was only too conspicuous. In every +corner there lay hats which had been crushed by their clumsy +attempts; the badly folded dresses swelled awkwardly and refused with +disgraceful obstinacy to allow the Princess to lock her trunks. +Vanquished at last by the stress of events against which she was +contending for the first time in her life, she sat down on a +portmanteau and burst into tears. The Duchess, who came of a less +fatalistic race, was still struggling, aided by James P., with two +rebellious valises. + +"I went and called Sister Therese, and with her made ready for their +departure. Hoping that England would declare war, I informed the +professor of my intention to accompany my patients. + +"The little Alsatian girl went and asked the German servants to +carry the luggage to the station for the last civilian train, which +was to leave at six in the morning. + +"I don't mind carrying anything for you, _Schwester_," said the hall +porter, "but I won't do a thing for those dogs of Russians and +English." + +"The Sister came back and said timidly, 'If the doctor and Your Grace +don't mind helping me, we might perhaps take at least some of these +things together.' + +"So Wiesdorf station beheld the extraordinary sight of the Duchess +pulling an enormous portmanteau and perspiring freely, and behind her +Princess Uriassof, James P., and myself, each pushing a wheelbarrow. +The station was already thronged with soldiers in _Feldgrau_. We were +ravenously hungry. I asked the young Alsatian girl to accompany me to +the refreshment-room, and she was able, thanks to her nurse's +bonnet, to obtain two pieces of extremely dry bread from the military +canteen. + +"I found my patients ensconced in a fourth-class carriage. Their eyes +were shut, they were leaning against the duty wooden back of the +seat, and on their faces was a smile of indescribable bliss. + +"The Princess greedily seized the piece of bread I handed her, took +an enormous bite out of it, and said to the Duchess: + +"'What nice bread!' + +"'What nice seats!' replied Her Grace, leaning voluptuously against +the hard, greasy boards." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +THE BEGINNING OF THE END + + "All the way talking of Russia, which, he says, is a + sad place."--Pepys (Sept. 16th, 1664). + + +For three days our soldiers had been advancing over the devastated +plain of the Somme. The crests of the innumerable shell-holes gave +the country the appearance of a sort of frozen angry sea. The +victors were advancing light-heartedly, as though preceded by +invisible drums. + +It was just at the time when the German army was swaying and +tottering like a spent boxer awaiting the inevitable knock-out. + +The Division had suffered heavily. All along the roads they had seen +for the second time the sinister spectacle of villagers in flight +and furniture-laden carts drawn by bowed women. + +General Bramble had looked at the map with painful astonishment. He +had been ordered to resist at all costs along the trenches on the +green line; but when he reached the green line he had found no +trenches; the Chinamen who were to dig them were still at sea +somewhere near Suez. + +Then, in a corner of a ruined village, they had come across a green +felt hat and a fearsome moustache, which turned out reassuringly to +belong to a rocking, tottering old man; and the Tommies--who are a +primitive and adventurous race--were glad of the protection of this +wild old totem of the Frankish tribe. + +Then came motor-lorries to take the whole Division to the North, +and through all the bustle and disorder they were conscious of +a giant hand trying with prudent and skilful movements to +rebuild the line. + +"What can a general do?" the doctor had asked. "This war is too vast +to be affected by human volition. Victory will come through tiny, +decisive forces that have been at work since the beginning of the +world. Tolstoy's Kutusoff used to go to sleep in Council--yet he beat +Napoleon." + +"However vast the scale of circumstance may be," said the colonel, "a +man can change everything. A child cannot push a railway engine; yet +he can start it if he opens the right throttle. A man has only to +apply his will at the right place, and he will be master of the +world. Your determinism is nothing more than a paradox. You build a +cage round yourself and then are astonished you are a prisoner." + +They were going forward rapidly. Aurelle, mounted on his old white +Arab, trotted between the doctor and Colonel Parker. + +"Don't hold your horse in so tightly, Messiou; give him the rein." + +"But the road's full of holes, sir." + +"My dear chap, when a man is on a horse, the horse is always the more +intelligent of the pair." + +He slackened his mare's rein to pass by a huge shell-hole, and began +to talk of the peace that was at hand. + +"The most difficult thing of all," he said, "will be to preserve in +our victory the virtues that won it for us. Germany and Russia will +do their best to corrupt us. A dishonoured nation always tries to +bury its shame under the ruins of the victor's civilization. It's the +device of Samson; it's as old as history itself. Rome, surrounded by +vanquished and humbled nations, witnessed the lightning speed of +Judaic preaching, which was so much like the Bolshevism of our day. +The Russian ghettos of our capitals had their counterpart then in +the Syrian dens that swarmed in the large ports; that is where the +apostles of mystical communism preached most successfully. And +Juvenal and Tacitus, who were gentlemen, had good reason to detest +those anarchists, who condemned Roman civilization with the fanatical +fury of a Trotsky." + +"Yes," said the doctor, "the danger of these prolonged wars is that +they end by making the most unusual habits generally acceptable. They +require courage; and courage is a dangerous virtue, the mother of +revolutions. And it is not easy to accustom a nation of warriors to +render due obedience once more to second-rate politicians and +profiteers. The oligarchy of _parvenus_ which arose after the Punic +wars could not be respected as the Roman senate had been. They +possessed neither its hardihood nor its heroic parsimony. Bent only +on beautiful slaves, perfumes and luxuries, they sacrificed their +nascent influence to their passion for pleasure. They did not last +long." + +"It is quite certain," the colonel continued, "that in order to +survive, an aristocracy must be hard upon itself. Moral discipline is +indispensable to any class that wants to govern. If the industrial +middle class is to take our place, it will have to be austere and +hard. What sealed once and for all the doom of the Roman Senators was +the decadent Greek culture of their sons. Those young noblemen +affected an elegant dilettantism and toyed pleasantly with cultured +demagogy. Cæsar in his youth, Aurelle, was rather like one of your +comfortable cultured French middle-class Socialists. His lifelong +dream was to lead a moderate reform party, but he was embittered by +the attacks of the Roman patricians. He is a type against whom our +Public Schools protect us pretty well. We also have our decadent +young lords, but the contempt of their own generation keeps them from +doing much harm." + +He stopped in order to salute a magpie--for he was very +superstitious--pointed with his cane to a tank that lay buried on its +back in the sand like a defeated tortoise, and went on: + +"Do you think you will have a revolution in France after the war? If +you do, I shall be very much surprised. Up till now the remembrance +of 1793 has kept us looking with apprehension towards France as the +danger-spot of Europe. To-day we realize our mistake. + +"1793 made your country more conservative than any other, by giving +your peasants the possession of the soil. It will probably be seen +some years hence that the Russian Revolution has also had the same +effect. The revolution will end when the Red armies return to Moscow +and some unemployed Bonapartsky has the Soviets dispersed by his +grenadiers. Then the _moujiks_ who have acquired the national +property will form the first layer of a respectable liberal bourgeois +republic." + +"Unless," said Aurelle, "Bonapartsky, having tasted the sweets of +victory, sets out to conquer Europe with the help of his trusty +grenadiers. Between the Terror and 'the respectable republic' there +were twenty years of war, sir." + +"The most terrible of all revolutions," began the doctor, "will be +the English one. In France the intellectual is popular; the tribune +of the people is a bearded professor with the kindest of hearts. In +England the people's commissary will be a hard, clean-shaven, silent, +cruel man." + +"That may be," said the colonel; "but he will find more silent and +still harder men up against him. If you think we are going to lie +down and submit like the fatalist nobles of Petrograd, you are +mistaken." + +"You, sir? And why the devil should _you_ defend business men and +profiteers whom you are never tired of sending to perdition?" + +"I shall not be defending profiteers, but a form of society which I +hold to be necessary. The institutions which our ancestors have +adopted after six thousand years' experience are worth ten times more +than the systems of foolish and boastful hotheads. I stand always for +what is." + +With a sweeping gesture the doctor pointed to the twisted, rusty +wire, the shattered walls, the mangled trees and the dense harvest of +wooden crosses that rose from the barren soil. + +"Allow me," he said, "to express the heartfelt admiration I feel +for this venerable civilization of yours, and let me contemplate the +fruits of these wise institutions which six thousand years have +consecrated for you. Six thousand years of war, six thousand years of +murder, six thousand years of misery, six thousand years of +prostitution; one half of mankind busy asphyxiating the other half; +famine in Europe, slavery in Asia, women sold in the streets of Paris +or London like matches or boot-laces--there is the glorious +achievement of our ancestors. It is well worth dying to defend, I +must confess!" + +"Yes, doctor," replied Aurelle; "but there are two sides to the +question: six thousand years of reform, six thousand years of revolt, +six thousand years of science, six thousand years of philosophy----" + +"Now don't you run away with the idea that I'm a revolutionary. As +far as I am concerned, the movements of men interest me no more than +those of the spiders or the dogs I am so fond of observing. I know +that all the speeches in the world will not prevent men from being +jealous monkeys always greedy for food, females and bright stones. It +is true that they know how to deck out their desires with a somewhat +brilliant and delusive ideology, but it is easy for an expert to +recognize the instinct beneath the thought. Every doctrine is an +autobiography. Every philosophy demands a diagnosis. Tell me the +state of your digestion, and I shall tell you the state of your +mind." + +"Oh, doctor, if that is so, life is not worth living." + +"That, my boy, depends entirely upon the liver, as they say." + +Young Dundas, who had just reined up level with them, interposed: + +"My God, my God," he said, "how you chaps do love talking! Why, I +once had a discussion myself at Oxford with one of those johnnies in +a bowler hat and ready-made tie who go round and make speeches in +public squares on Saturday afternoons. I had stopped to listen to him +on my way back from a bathe. He was cursing the aristocracy, the +universities, and the world in general. Well, after about five +minutes' talking, I went right up to him and said, 'Off with your +coat, my friend; let's go into the matter thoroughly.'" + +"And did you convince him, Dundas?" + +"It wasn't very difficult, Messiou, because, honestly, I could use +my left better than he could." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +DANSE MACABRE + + "Magical dancing still goes on in Europe to-day."--Sir James Fraser. + + +"Doctor," said General Bramble, "this morning I received from London +two new fox-trots for my gramophone." + +Ever since the Armistice sent the Scottish Division into rest on the +Norman coast, the Infant Dundas had been running a course of +dancing-lessons at the mess, which were patronized by the most +distinguished "red-hats." + +Aurelle emerged from behind an unfolded copy of the _Times_. + +"Things look very rotten," he said. "The Germans are taking heart +again; you are demobbing; the Americans are sailing away; and soon +only we and the Italians will be left alone to face the European +chaos----" + +"Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "take off your coat and come and +learn the one-step--that'll be a jolly sight better than sitting +moping there all the evening." + +"You know I don't dance, sir." + +"You're very silly," said Parker. "A man who doesn't dance is an +enemy of mankind. The dancer, like the bridge-player, cannot exist +without a partner, so he can't help being sociable. But you--why, a +book is all the company you want. You're a bad citizen." + +The doctor emptied his glass of brandy at one gulp, removed his coat, +and joined the colonel in his attack upon the young Frenchman. + +"A distinguished Irish naturalist, Mr. James Stephens," he said, "has +noticed that love of dancing varies according to innocence of +heart. Thus children, lambs and dogs like dancing. Policemen, lawyers +and fish dance very little because they are hard-hearted. Worms and +Members of Parliament, who, besides their remarkable all-round +culture, have many points in common, dance but rarely owing to the +thickness of the atmosphere in which they live. Frogs and high hills, +if we are to believe the Bible----" + +"Doctor," interrupted the general, "I put you in charge of the +gramophone; top speed, please." + +The orderlies pushed the table into a corner, and the aide-de-camp, +holding his general in a close embrace, piloted him respectfully but +rhythmically round the room. + +"One, two ... one, two. It's a simple walk, sir, but a sort of glide. +Your feet mustn't leave the ground." + +"Why not?" asked the general. + +"It's the rule. Now twinkle." + +"Twinkle? What's that?" asked the general. + +"It's a sort of hesitation, sir; you put out your left foot, then you +bring it sharply back against the right, and start again with the +right foot. Left, back again, and quickly right. Splendid, sir." + +The general, who was a man of precision, asked how many steps he was +to count before twinkling again. The rosy-cheeked one explained that +it didn't matter, you could change steps whenever you liked. + +"But look here," said General Bramble, "how is my partner to know +when I'm going to twinkle?" + +"Oh," said the aide-de-camp, "you must hold her near enough for her +to feel the slightest movement of your body." + +"Humph!" grunted the general. And after a moment's thought he added, +"Couldn't you get up some mixed dances here?" + +From the depths of the arm-chair came Aurelle's joyful approval. + +"I've never been able to make out," he said, "what pleasure you men +can find in dancing together. Dancing is a sentimental pantomime, a +kind of language of the body which allows it to express an +understanding which the soul dare not confess. What was dancing for +primitive man? Nothing but a barbaric form of love." + +"What a really French idea!" exclaimed Colonel Parker. "I should say +rather that love is a barbaric form of dancing. Love is animal; +dancing is human. It's more than an art; it's a sport." + +"Quite right," said Aurelle. "Since the British nation deems worthy +of the name of sport any exercise which is at once useless, tiring +and dangerous, I am quite ready to admit that dancing answers this +definition in every way. Nevertheless, among savages----" + +"Aurelle, my boy, don't talk to me about savages!" said Parker. +"You've never been out of your beloved Europe. Now I have lived among +the natives of Australia and Malay; and their dances were not +sentimental pantomimes, as you call them, at all, but warlike +exercises for their young soldiers, that took the place of our +Swedish drill and bayonet practice. Besides, it is not so very long +since these close embraces were adopted in our own countries. Your +minuets and pavanes were respecters of persons, and the ancients, who +liked looking at dancing girls, never stooped to twirling them +round." + +"That's quite easy to understand," put in the doctor. "What did they +want with dancing? The directness of their customs made such +artificial devices for personal contact quite unnecessary. It's only +our Victorian austerity which makes these rhythmical embraces so +attractive. Puritan America loves to waggle her hips, and----" + +"Doctor," said the general, "turn the record over, will you, and put +on speed eighty; it's a jazz." + +"What's worrying me," began Aurelle, who had returned once more to +his paper, "is that our oracles are taking the theory of nationality +so seriously. A nation is a living organism, but a nationality is +nothing. Take the Jugo-Slavs, for instance----" + +At that moment the doctor produced such an ear-splitting racket from +the gramophone that the interpreter let his _Times_ fall to the +ground. + +"By Jove!" he exclaimed; "have you broken it, doctor?" + +"Broken it?" repeated the doctor in mild surprise. + +"You don't mean to tell me that all that noise of broken crockery and +foghorns was deliberately put together by a human brain?" + +"You know nothing about it," said the doctor. "This negro music is +excellent stuff. Negroes are much finer artists than we are; they +alone can still feel the holy delirium which ranked the first singers +among the gods...." + +His voice was drowned by the sinister racket of the jazz, which made +a noise like a barrage of 4.2 howitzers in a thunderstorm. + +"Jazz!" shouted the general to his aide-de-camp, bostoning +majestically the while. "Jazz--Dundas, what _is_ jazz?" + +"Anything you like, sir," replied the rosy-cheeked one. "You've just +got to follow the music." + +"Humph!" said the general, much astonished. + +"Doctor," said Aurelle gravely, "we may now be witnessing the last +days of a civilization which with all its faults was not without a +certain grace. Don't you think that under the circumstances there +might be something better for us to do than tango awkwardly to this +ear-splitting din?" + +"My dear boy," said the doctor, "what would you do if some one stuck +a pin into your leg? Well, war and peace have driven more than one +spike into the hide of humanity; and of course she howls and dances +with the pain. It's just a natural reflex action. Why, they had a +fox-trot epidemic just like this after the Black Death in the +fourteenth century; only then they called it St. Vitus's dance." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +THE GLORY OF THE GARDEN + + "But the Glory of the Garden + Lies in more than meets the eye." + R. Kipling. + + +A farewell dinner was being given to Aurelle by the officers of +the Scottish Division, with whom he had spent four years of danger +and hardship. + +Before they sat down, they made him drink a cocktail and a glass of +sherry, and then an Italian vermouth tuned up with a drop of gin. +Their eager affection, and this curiously un-British mixing of +drinks, made him feel that on this last evening he was no longer a +member of the mess, but its guest. + +"I hope," said Colonel Parker, "that you will be a credit to the +education we have given you, and that you will at last manage to +empty your bottle of champagne without assistance." + +"I'll try," said Aurelle, "but the war has ended too soon, and I've +still a lot to learn." + +"That's a fact," grumbled the colonel. "This damned peace has come at +a most unfortunate moment. Everything was just beginning to get into +shape. I had just bought a cinema for the men; our gunners were +working better every day; there was a chance of my becoming a +general, and Dundas was teaching me jazz. And then the politicians +poke their noses in and go and make peace, and Clemenceau demobs +Aurelle! Life's just one damned thing after another!" + +"_Wee, Messiou_," sighed General Bramble, "it's a pity to see you +leaving us. Can't you stay another week?" + +"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm to be demobbed with the third batch, and +I've got my warrant in my pocket. I'm to report to-morrow at +Montreuil-sur-Mer; from there I shall be sent to Arras, and then +dispatched to Versailles, after which, if I survive the journey, I +shall be at liberty to return to Paris. I should be delighted to stay +a few days, but I suppose I must obey the pompous military maxim and +'share the fortunes of my comrades.'" + +"Why," said Colonel Parker, "are people so idiotic as to discharge +soldiers whose return is dreaded by civilians and whose presence is +necessary to the comfort of the Staff? We English adopted a much more +intelligent plan for _our_ demobilization. The men were to be +classified according to their professions, and were only to be +released when workmen of their occupation were required in England. +In this way we were to avoid unemployment trouble. All the details +were most clearly explained in a bulky volume; it was really an +excellent plan. Well, when it came to be actually worked, everything +went as badly as could be. Every one complained; there were small +riots which were dramatized in the newspapers; and after some weeks' +trial we returned to your system of classes, Aurelle, which makes for +equality and is idiotic." + +"It was easy to foresee," said the doctor, "that any regulation which +neglected human nature was bound to fail. Man, that absurd and +passionate animal, cannot thrive under an intelligent system. To be +acceptable to the majority a law must be unjust. The French +demobilization system is inane, and that is why it is so good." + +"Doctor," said the general, "I cannot allow you to say that the +French method is inane; this is the last evening Messiou is spending +with us, and I will not have him annoyed." + +"It doesn't matter a bit," said Aurelle; "neither of them knows what +he's talking about. It is quite true that things are going rather +better in France than elsewhere, in spite of absurd decrees and +orders. But that's not because our laws are unjust; it's because no +one takes them seriously. In England your weakness is that if you are +ordered to demobilize men by classes, you'll do it. We _say_ we're +doing it, but by means of all sorts of reprieves, small +irregularities and reasonable injustices, we manage _not_ to do it. +Some barbarous bureaucrat has decreed that the interpreter Aurelle +should, in order to be demobilized, accomplish the circuit +Montreuil-Arras-Versailles in a cattle-truck. It is futile and +vexatious; but do you suppose I shall do it? Never in your life! +Tomorrow morning I shall calmly proceed to Paris by the express. I +shall exhibit a paper covered with seals to a scribe at the G.M.P., +who will utter a few lamentations as a matter of form, and demobilize +me with much grumbling. With us the great principle of public justice +is that no one is supposed to respect the laws; this is what has +enabled us to beat Germany." + +"Humph!" muttered the general, much taken aback. + +"Doctor," said Colonel Parker, "help Messiou Aurelle to some +champagne; his mind is far too clear." + +Corks began to pop with the rapidity of machine guns. Colonel Parker +began a speech about the charming, kind and affectionate disposition +of the women of Burma; the doctor preferred Japanese women for +technical reasons. + +"French women are also very beautiful," said General Bramble +politely; for he could not forget this was Aurelle's farewell dinner. + +When the orderlies had brought the port, he struck the table twice +sharply with the handle of his knife, and said, with a pleasant +mixture of solemnity and geniality: + +"Now, gentlemen, as our friend is leaving us after having so +excellently represented his country amongst us for the last four +years, I propose that we drink his health with musical honours." + +All the officers stood up, glass in hand. Aurelle was about to follow +their example, when Colonel Parker crushed him with a whispered, +"_Assee, Messiou, poor l'amoor de Dee-er!_" And the Staff of the +Scottish Division proceeded to sing with the utmost solemnity, +keeping their eyes fixed upon the young Frenchman: + + "For he's a jolly good fellow, + And so say all of us...." + +Aurelle was deeply moved as he gazed at the friendly faces round him, +and reflected sadly that he was about to leave for ever the little +world in which he had been so happy. General Bramble was standing +gravely at attention, and singing as solemnly as if he were in his +pew in church: + + "For he's a jolly good fellow, + And so say all of us...." + +Then came much cheering, glasses were drained at a gulp, and young, +rosy-cheeked Dundas shouted, "Speech, Messiou, speech!" + +"Come, Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "don't you believe you're going +to get out of it as easily as all that! You must get on your hind +legs, my boy, and do your bit." + + * * * * * + +"Ah, Messiou," said the general when the ceremony was over and the +brandy had followed the port, "I hope our two nations will remain +friends after this war." + +"How could it possibly be otherwise, sir? We cannot forget----" + +"The duration of our friendship," Colonel Parker put in, "depends +neither on you, Aurelle, nor on us. The Englishman as an individual +is sentimental and loyal, but he can only afford the luxury of these +noble sentiments because the British nation is imbued with a holy +selfishness. Albion is not perfidious, in spite of what your +countrymen used to say; but she cannot tolerate the existence of a +dominant power on the Continent. We love you dearly and sincerely, +but if you were to discover another Napoleon...." + +"Humph!" grunted the general, greatly shocked. "Have some more +brandy, Messiou?" + +"Everything will be all right," said the doctor cynically. "Your +cotton goods will always cost more than ours, and that is the surest +guarantee of friendship." + +"Why should they cost more?" carelessly asked Aurelle, in whose brain +the brandy was beginning to produce a pleasant misty feeling. + +"My boy," said the doctor, "your Napoleon, of whom Parker is so +afraid, said we were a nation of shopkeepers. We accept the +compliment, and our only regret is that we are unable to return it. +You have three national failings which will always prevent you from +being dangerous commercial competitors: you are economical, you are +simple and you are hard-working. That is what makes you a great +military people; the French soldiers got accustomed to the hardship +of trench life far more readily than ours. But in peace-time your +very virtues betray you. In that famous woollen stocking of yours you +hoard not only your francs but your initiative; and your upper +classes, being content with bathrooms which our farmers would +disdain, feel no call to go out and cultivate Indo-China. We never +invest a penny; so our children have no alternative but to go out +Empire-building. We must have comfort, which compels us to be +audacious; and we are extremely lazy, which makes us ingenious." + +At this point General Bramble began to emit the series of grunting +noises which invariably preceded his favourite anecdotes. + +"It is quite true," he said proudly, "that we are lazy. One day, just +after we had made an advance near Cambrai, and the position was still +uncertain, I sent out an aviator to fly over a little wood and report +whether the troops that occupied it were French, British or German. I +watched him executing my order, and when he came back he told me the +troops were British. 'Are you quite certain?' I asked, 'you didn't go +very low.' 'It was not necessary, sir. I knew if those men had been +busy digging trenches, I should have been uncertain whether they +were French or German; but as they were sitting on the grass, I'm +sure they are British.'" + +It was ten o'clock. The aide-de-camp poured out a whisky and soda for +his general. A silence ensued, and in the kitchen close by the +orderlies were heard singing the old war ditties, from "Tipperary" to +"The Yanks are coming," as was their nightly custom. They made a fine +bass chorus, in which the officers joined unconsciously. + +The singing excited Dundas, who began to yell "view-halloos" and +smack a whip he took down from the wall. The doctor found a Swiss +cowbell on the mantelpiece and rang it wildly. Colonel Parker took up +the tongs and began rapping out a furious fox-trot on the +mantelshelf, which the general accompanied from his armchair with a +beatific whistle. + +Of the end of the evening Aurelle had but a blurred remembrance. +Towards one o'clock in the morning he found himself squatting on the +floor drinking stout beside a little major, who was explaining to him +that he had never met more respectable women than at Port Said. + +Meanwhile Dundas started to chant a ditty about the virtues of one +notorious Molly O'Morgan; Colonel Parker repeated several times, +"Aurelle, my boy, don't forget that if Englishmen can afford to make +fools of themselves, it is only because England is such a devilishly +serious nation;" and Dr. O'Grady, who was getting to the sentimental +stage, sang many songs of his native land in a voice that was full of +tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +LETTER FROM COLONEL PARKER TO AURELLE + + "Tout homme de courage est homme de parole."--Corneille + + + Stapleton Hall, Stapleton, Kent. + _April --, 1920._ + +My Dear Aurelle,--Much water has passed beneath the bridges since +your last letter. For one thing, I have become a farmer. When I left +my staff job I thought of rejoining my old regiment; but it wasn't +easy, as the battalion is crammed full of former generals who are +only subalterns. + +They are treating the army very unfairly here. Our damned Parliament +refuses to vote it any money; very little is required of it, it's +true--it has merely to maintain order in Ireland and to guard the +Rhine, Mesopotamia, India, Egypt, Turkey, Palestine, Silesia, the +Caucasus and a few other countries the names of which I can't +remember! All I can say is, God help England! + +We farmers also can do with His help. April is the month for sowing, +and fine weather is necessary. As far as I am concerned, I had a +hundred acres of potatoes to sow, and I had made detailed +preparations for my spring offensive. But, as always happens when the +poor British start attacking, rain began falling in bucketfuls the +very first day of operations. The advance had to be stopped after a +few acres, and public opinion is really much exercised about the +matter. + +Now I want to answer your letter. You say, "Some of you in England +seem astonished that we refuse to trust the Germans. We are accused +of a lack of generosity. What a splendid piece of unconscious +humour! I'd like to see you in our shoes--suppose there were no sea +between those chaps and yourselves!" + +My dear Aurelle, I have often asked you not to confuse the English +people with their cursed Puritans. There have always been in this +country a large number of men who have done their best to destroy the +strength and reputation of our Empire. Up to the time of good Queen +Bess, these scoundrels were kept in their place, and I often regret I +was not born in those times. Since then the Puritan element has on +every occasion displayed its narrow-mindedness and its hatred of +patriotism and of everything beautiful and joyous. The Puritans +prefer their opinions to their country, which is an abominable +heresy. They brought the civil wars upon us at the time of the +Stuarts; they helped the rebels during the American War of +Independence and the French during their Revolution. They were +pro-Boers in the South African War, conscientious objectors in this +one, and now they are supporting the republican murderers in Ireland, +trying to undermine the British workman's faith in his King and +county cricket, and doing their best to encourage the Germans by +creating difficulties between France and ourselves. + +But you must not forget that the magnificent indifference and +ignorance of our race makes these pedants quite harmless. + +You ask me what the average British citizen thinks about it all. +Well, I'm going to tell you. + +What interests the average British citizen beyond everything is the +match between England and Scotland, which is to be played next +Saturday at Twickenham, the Grand National, which is to be run next +week at Liverpool, and Mrs. Bamberger's divorce, which fills the +newspapers just now. + +What does the British citizen think? Well, he went to the war without +knowing what it was all about, and he has come back from it without +having gathered any further information. As a matter of fact, he is +beginning to wonder who won it. You say it was Foch, and we are quite +ready to believe you; still, it seems to us that our army had a +little to do with it. The Italians say _they_ struck the decisive +blow; so do the Serbians and the Portuguese, of course. The Americans +go about wearing little badges in their buttonholes which proclaim, +"_We_ did it." Ludendorff claims that the German army won the war. +I am beginning to ask myself whether _I_ was not the victor. As a +matter of fact, I'm inclined to think it was you. You kept the Infant +Dundas quiet; if you hadn't repressed him, he would have kept +General Bramble from working; the general would have been nervous +at the time of the attack in April '18, and all would have been lost. + +As to international politics I have very little to tell you. I am +observing the bucolic mind, and am noticing with some anxiety that +the brain of the countryman is very much like the turnip he grows +with such perseverance. I am hoping I shall not also develop any +vegetable characteristics. + +You ask whether we are forgetting France. I don't think we are. Do +you know that we were ready to remit your war debts if America had +agreed? Not so bad for a nation of shopkeepers, is it? We don't brag +about our devotion, but we will be with you if anything goes wrong. I +trust you know us well enough to be quite assured of that. + +I am very busy this morning with my favourite sow, who has just +borne a litter of twelve. She immediately squashed one of them; King +Solomon was not such a clever judge as he looked, after all. Au +revoir. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +GENERAL BRAMBLE'S RETURN + + "The English have a mild aspect and a ringing, cheerful + voice."--Emerson. + + +"By Jove," said the Infant Dundas, "this Paris of yours _is_ a jolly +town." + +Beltara the painter had invited Aurelle to spend an evening in his +studio to meet General Bramble, who was passing through Paris on his +way to Constantinople, accompanied by Dundas and Dr. O'Grady. + +The general was sitting on a divan piled high with many-coloured +cushions, and gazing with emotion upon the sketch of a nude figure. +The Greek heads, Etruscan warriors and Egyptian scribes about him +had the rare and spiritual beauty of mutilated things. Aurelle gazed +at his old chief as he sat motionless among the statues, and +consecrated the brief moment of silence to the memory of his virtues. + +"A fine woman," exclaimed the general, "a very fine woman indeed! +What a pity I can't show you a few Soudan negresses, Beltara!" + +Beltara interrupted him to introduce one of his friends, Lieutenant +Vincent, a gunner with a frank, open face. The general, fixing his +clear gaze on Aurelle, tried to speak of France and England. + +"I'm glad, Messiou, that we've come to an understanding at last. I'm +not very well up in all this business, but I can't stand all these +bickering politicians." + +Aurelle was suddenly conscious of the general's real sincerity and +anxiety about the future. Lieutenant Vincent came up to them. He +had the rather wild, attractive grace of the present-day youth. As he +sat listening to General Bramble's words about English friendship, +his lips parted as though he was burning to break in. + +"Will you allow me, sir," he suddenly interrupted, "to tell you how +we look at it. Frankly speaking, you English were marvellous during +the war, but since the Armistice you have been on the wrong tack +entirely. You are on the wrong tack because you don't know the +Germans. Now I've just come back from Germany, and it is absolutely +clear that as soon as those fellows have enough to eat they'll fall +on us again. _You_ want to get their forgiveness for your victory. +But why should they accept their defeat? Would you accept it in their +place?" + +"The sense of shame after victory," said the doctor gently, "is a +sentiment quite natural to barbarous peoples. After employing the +utmost cruelty during the fight, they come and implore their +slaughtered enemies' pardon. 'Don't bear us a grudge for having cut +off your heads,' they say; 'if we had been less lucky you would have +cut off ours.' The English always go in for this kind of posthumous +politeness. They call it behaving like sportsmen. It's really a +survival of the 'enemy's taboo.'" + +"It would be quite all right," put in Lieutenant Vincent +breathlessly, "if you waited to appease the shades of your enemies +till you were quite certain they were really dead. But the Germans +are very much alive. Please understand, sir, that I'm speaking +absolutely without hate. What I mean is that we must destroy +Carthage--that is German military power--so completely that the very +idea of revenge will appear absurd to any German with an ounce of +common sense. As long as there exists at any time the barest chance +of an enterprise, they will attempt it. I don't blame them in the +least for it; in fact I admire them for not despairing of their +country; but our duty--and yours too--is to make such an enterprise +impossible." + +"Yes," said the general in rather feeble French; "but you can't hit a +man when he's down, can you?" + +"It's not a question of being down, sir. Do you know that the three +big gunpowder factories in Germany pay a dividend of fifteen per +cent.? Do you know that Krupp is building a factory in Finland in +order to escape our supervision? Do you realize that in ten years, if +we don't keep an eye on their chemical factories, the Germans will be +able to wage a frightful war against us, and use methods of which we +haven't the slightest inkling? Now why should we run this risk when +we are clearly in a position to take all precautions for some years +to come? Carthage _must_ be destroyed, sir. Why, just look at +Silesia...." + +"Every one's talking about Silesia," said the Infant Dundas. "What +_is_ it, really?" + +Vincent, waving his arms despairingly, went to the piano and played a +long, sad phrase of Borodin, the one which is sung by the recumbent +woman just before Prince Igor's dances. Before Aurelle's eyes floated +Northern landscapes, muddy fields and bleeding faces, mingling with +the women's bare shoulders and the silk embroideries in the studio. +He was suddenly seized by a healthy emotion, like a breath of fresh +air, which made him want to ride across the wide world beside General +Bramble. + +"Doctor, can't we remain 'musketeers'?" he said. + +"Can't be done," said the doctor sarcastically, "till this damned +peace ends." + +"You hateful person!" said Beltara. "Will you have a whisky and +soda?" + +"What!" exclaimed the general joyfully, "you've got whisky in the +house, here, in France?" + +"It is pleasant to notice," said the doctor, "that the war has been +of some use after all. Your whisky, Beltara, quite reassures me about +the League of Nations. As the Entente is necessary to the safety of +our two countries, the responsibility of preserving good relations +ought to be given to doctors and psychologists. Such experts would +make it their business to cultivate those sentiments which tend to +unite two countries into one. They would remind people, by means of +noise and military ceremonies, of the great things they had achieved +together. England would be represented at these functions, as she is +in the minds of most Frenchmen, by Scotchmen and Australians. +Bagpipes, kilts, bugles and tam-o'-shanters are far better +diplomatists than ambassadors are. Pageants, dances, a few +sentimental anecdotes, exchanges of song, common sports, common +drinks--these are the essence of a good international policy. The +Church, which is always so wise and so human, attaches as much +importance to works as to faith. The outward signs of friendship are +much more important than friendship itself, because they are +sufficient to support it." + +"Beltara," said the general, "will you ask your friend to play the +'Destiny Waltz' for Messiou?" + +Once more the familiar strains rang out, and brought to mind the +years of stress and happy comradeship. + +"Aurelle, do you remember Marguerite at Amiens--oh, and those two +little singers at Poperinghe whom I used to call Vaseline and +Glycerine? They sang English songs without understanding a word, with +the funniest accent in the world." + +"And the Outersteene innkeeper's pretty daughters, Aurelle? Did you +ever see them again?" + +"Goodness knows where they've got to, sir; Outersteene isn't rebuilt +yet." + +"You never got to Salonica, did you? We had Mirka there; a fine pair +of legs she had too!" + +Meanwhile the Infant Dundas had discovered that Lieutenant Vincent +played tennis, and had struck up a firm friendship. Taking hold of a +palette, he began to explain a few strokes. "Look here, old man, if +you cut your service towards the right, your ball will spin from +right to left, won't it?" + +Vincent, who had been somewhat reserved at first, was melting, like +so many others, before the youthful charm of the Happy Nation. + +Soon echoes of the hunt were heard in the studio, and Aurelle +received full upon his person an orange that spun from right to left. + +General Bramble took out his watch and reminded Aurelle he was taking +the Orient Express. Beltara escorted him to the door, and Aurelle, +Vincent and the Infant followed behind. + +"I like the Vincent boy," said the general to his host. "He's a +splendid fellow, really splendid! When he came in, I thought he was +English." + +Aurelle wished them a pleasant journey. + +"Well, good-bye, Dundas. It was nice seeing you again. I suppose +you're jolly glad you're going to Constantinople? I rather envy you." + +"Yes," said the Infant, "I'm quite bucked about it, because the +general who was there before us is leaving us a house that's got up +in absolutely British style; there's a bathroom and a tennis-court. +So I'll be able to go on practising my overhead service. Splendid, +isn't it?" + +They exchanged greetings and good wishes. The stars were shining in a +moonless sky. On the pavement in the avenue they heard the +aide-de-camp changing his step to fit his general's. The door closed +upon them. + +In the gallery, in front of the green bronze warriors with their +large, staring eyes, the three Frenchmen looked at one another, and +the corners of their mouths twitched with the same friendly smile. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +Minor typographical errors in the original have been silently +corrected. Page numbers have been removed from the table of contents +and page boundaries have been recorded in comments in the html +markup. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of General Bramble, by André Maurois + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENERAL BRAMBLE *** + +***** This file should be named 30596-8.txt or 30596-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/5/9/30596/ + +Produced by Andrew Sly, Chuck Greif and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: General Bramble + +Author: André Maurois + +Translator: Jules Castier + Ronald Boswell + +Release Date: December 3, 2009 [EBook #30596] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENERAL BRAMBLE *** + + + + +Produced by Andrew Sly, Chuck Greif and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + +<div class="titlepage"> +<h1>GENERAL BRAMBLE</h1> + +<p><i>by</i></p> + +<p style="font-size:110%;">ANDRÉ MAUROIS</p> + +<p><i>translated by</i></p> + +<p>JULES CASTIER and RONALD BOSWELL</p> + + +<p style="font-size:95%;margin-top:3em;">JOHN LANE<br> +THE BODLEY HEAD LTD</p> +</div> + +<div class="verso"> +<p><i>First Published 1921</i></p> + +<p><i>First Published in The Week-End Library 1931</i></p> + + + + +<p style="font-size:90%;">MADE AND PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY<br> + +MORRISON AND GIBB LTD, LONDON AND EDINBURGH</p> +</div> + + + +<h4>CONTENTS</h4> + +<table summary="toc"> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb01">I.</a></td><td class="sc">Portraits</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb02">II.</a></td><td class="sc">Diplomacy</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb03">III.</a></td><td class="sc">The Tower of Babel</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb04">IV.</a></td><td class="sc">A Business Man in the Army</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb05">V.</a></td><td class="sc">The Story of Private Biggs</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb06">VI.</a></td><td class="sc">An Air Raid</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb07">VII.</a></td><td class="sc">Love and the Infant Dundas</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb08">VIII.</a></td><td class="sc">A Great Chef</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb09">IX.</a></td><td class="sc">Prélude à la Soirée d'un Général</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb10">X.</a></td><td class="sc">Private Brommit's Conversion</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb11">XI.</a></td><td class="sc">Justice</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb12">XII.</a></td><td class="sc">Variations</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb13">XIII.</a></td><td class="sc">The Cure</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb14">XIV.</a></td><td class="sc">The Beginning of the End</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb15">XV.</a></td><td class="sc">Danse Macabre</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb16">XVI.</a></td><td class="sc">The Glory of the Garden</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb17">XVII.</a></td><td class="sc">Letter from Colonel Parker to Aurelle</td></tr> +<tr><td class="number"><a href="#gb18">XVIII.</a></td><td class="sc">General Bramble's Return</td></tr> +</table> + + +<!-- p. 001 --> + + + + +<p style="font-size:150%;margin-top:4em;text-align:center;">GENERAL BRAMBLE</p> + + + + +<h2 id="gb01" class="chapheader">CHAPTER I<br> + +PORTRAITS</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"As to what the picture represents, that depends upon who looks at +it."—<span class="sc">Whistler.</span></p> + + +<p>The French Mission in its profound wisdom had sent as liaison officer +to the Scottish Division a captain of Dragoons whose name was +Beltara.</p> + +<p>"Are you any relation to the painter, sir?" Aurelle, the interpreter, +asked him.</p> + +<p>"What did you say?" said the dragoon. "Say that again, will you? You +<i>are</i> in the army, aren't you? You are a soldier, for a little time +at any rate? and you claim to know that such people as painters +exist? You actually <!-- p. 002 -->admit the existence of that God-forsaken species?"</p> + +<p>And he related how he had visited the French War Office after he had +been wounded, and how an old colonel had made friends with him and +had tried to find him a congenial job.</p> + +<p>"What's your profession in civilian life, <i lang="fr">capitaine</i>?" the old man +had asked as he filled in a form.</p> + +<p>"I am a painter, sir."</p> + +<p>"A painter?" the colonel exclaimed, dumbfounded. "A painter? Why, +damn it all!"</p> + +<p>And after thinking it over for a minute he added, with the kindly +wink of an accomplice in crime, "Well, let's put down <i>nil</i>, eh? It +won't look quite so silly."</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Captain Beltara and Aurelle soon became inseparable companions. They +had the same tastes and different professions, <!-- p. 003 -->which is the +ideal recipe for friendship. Aurelle admired the sketches in +which the painter recorded the flexible lines of the Flemish +landscape; Beltara was a kindly critic of the young man's rather +feeble verses.</p> + +<p>"You would perhaps be a poet," he said to him, "if you were not +burdened with a certain degree of culture. An artist must be an +idiot. The only perfect ones are the sculptors; then come the +landscape painters; then painters in general; after them the writers. +The critics are not at all stupid; and the really intelligent men +never do anything."</p> + +<p>"Why shouldn't intelligence have an art of its own, as sensibility +has?"</p> + +<p>"No, my friend, no. Art is a game; intelligence is a profession. Look +at me, for instance; now that I no longer touch my brushes, I +sometimes actually catch myself thinking; it's quite alarming."</p> + +<p>"You ought to paint some portraits <!-- p. 004 -->here, <i lang="fr">mon capitaine</i>. Aren't +you tempted? These sunburnt British complexions——"</p> + +<p>"Of course, my boy, it is tempting; but I haven't got my things with +me. Besides, would they consent to sit?"</p> + +<p>"Of course they would, for as long as you like. To-morrow I'll bring +round young Dundas, the aide-de-camp. He's got nothing to do; he'll +be delighted."</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Next day Beltara made a three-crayon sketch of Lieutenant Dundas. The +young aide-de-camp turned out quite a good sitter; all he asked was +to be allowed to do something, which meant shouting his hunting +cries, cracking his favourite whip and talking to his dog.</p> + +<p>"Ah," said Aurelle, at the end of the sitting, "I like that +immensely—really. It's so lightly touched—it's a mere nothing, and +yet the whole of England is there."</p><!-- p. 005 --> + +<p>And, waving his hands with the ritual gestures of the infatuated +picture-lover, he praised the artlessness of the clear, wide eyes, +the delightful freshness of the complexion, and the charming candour +of the smile.</p> + +<p>But the Cherub planted himself in front of his portrait, struck the +classical pose of the golfer, and, poising his arms and hitting at an +imaginary ball, pronounced judgment on the work of art with perfect +frankness.</p> + +<p>"My God," he said, "what an awful thing! How the deuce did you see, +old man, that my breeches were laced at the side?"</p> + +<p>"What on earth can that matter?" asked Aurelle, annoyed.</p> + +<p>"Matter! Would <i>you</i> like to be painted with your nose behind your +ear? My God! It's about as much like me as it is like Lloyd George."</p> + +<p>"Likeness is quite a secondary <!-- p. 006 -->quality," said Aurelle condescendingly. +"The interesting thing is not the individual; it is the type, +the synthesis of a whole race or class."</p> + +<p>"In the days when I was starving in my native South," said the +painter, "I used to paint portraits of tradesmen's wives for a fiver. +When I had done, the family assembled for a private view. 'Well,' +said the husband, 'it's not so bad; but what about the likeness, eh? +You put it in afterwards, I suppose?' 'The likeness?' I indignantly +replied. 'The likeness? My dear sir, I am a painter of ideals; I +don't paint your wife as she is, I paint her as she ought to be. Your +wife? Why, you see her every day—she cannot interest you. But my +painting—ah, you never saw anything like my painting!' And the +tradesman was convinced, and went about repeating in every café on +the Cannebière, 'Beltara, <!-- p. 007 --><i lang="fr">mon bon</i>, is the painter of ideals; +he does not paint my wife as she is, he paints her as she ought +to be.'"</p> + +<p>"Well," interrupted young Lieutenant Dundas, "if you can make my +breeches lace in front, I should be most grateful. I look like a +damned fool as it is now!"</p> + +<hr> + +<p>The following week Beltara, who had managed to get hold of some +paints, made excellent studies in oil of Colonel Parker and Major +Knight. The major, who was stout, found his corporation somewhat +exaggerated.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the painter, "but with the varnish, you know——"</p> + +<p>And with an expressive movement of his hands he made as if to restore +the figure to more normal dimensions.</p> + +<p>The colonel, who was lean, wanted to be padded out.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said Beltara, "but with the varnish, you know——"</p><!-- p. 008 --> + +<p>And his hands, moving back again, gave promise of astonishing +expansions.</p> + +<p>Having regained a taste for his profession, he tried his hand at some +of the finest types in the Division. His portraits met with various +verdicts; each model thought his own rotten and the others excellent.</p> + +<p>The Divisional Squadron Commander found his boots badly polished. The +C.R.E. commented severely on the important mistakes in the order of +his ribbons; the Legion of Honour being a foreign order should not +have preceded the Bath, and the Japanese Rising Sun ought to have +followed the Italian Order for Valour.</p> + +<p>The only unqualified praise came from the sergeant-major who acted as +chief clerk to General Bramble. He was a much-beribboned old warrior +with a head like a faun and three red hairs on top of it. He had the +respectful familiarity <!-- p. 009 -->of the underling who knows he is indispensable, +and he used to come in at all times of the day and criticize the +captain's work.</p> + +<p>"That's fine, sir," he would say, "that's fine."</p> + +<p>After some time he asked Aurelle whether the captain would consent +"to take his photo." The request was accepted, for the old N.C.O.'s +beacon-like countenance tempted the painter, and he made a kindly +caricature.</p> + +<p>"Well, sir," the old soldier said to him, "I've seen lots of +photographer chaps the likes of you—I've seen lots at fairs in +Scotland—but I've never seen one as gives you a portrait so quick."</p> + +<p>He soon told General Bramble of the painter's prowess; and as he +exercised a respectful but all-powerful authority over the general, +he persuaded him to come and give the French liaison officer a +sitting.</p><!-- p. 010 --> + +<p>The general proved an admirable model of discipline. Beltara, who was +very anxious to be successful in this attempt, demanded several +sittings. The general arrived punctually, took up his pose with +charming deliberation, and when the painter had done, said "Thank +you," with a smile, and went away without saying another word.</p> + +<p>"Look here," Beltara said to Aurelle, "does this bore him or not? He +hasn't come one single time to look at what I have done. I can't +understand it."</p> + +<p>"He'll look at it when you've finished," Aurelle replied. "I'm sure +he's delighted, and he'll let you see it when the time comes."</p> + +<p>As a matter of fact after the last sitting, when the painter had said +"Thank you, sir, I think I could only spoil it now," the general +slowly descended from the platform, took a few solemn steps round <!-- p. 011 --> +the easel, and stared at his portrait for some minutes.</p> + +<p>"Humph!" he said at length, and left the room.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Dr. O'Grady, who was a man of real artistic culture, seemed somehow +to understand that keeping decorations in their correct order is not +the only criterion of the beauty of a portrait. The grateful Beltara +proposed to make a sketch of him, and during the sitting was pleased +to find himself in agreement with the doctor upon many things.</p> + +<p>"The main point," said the painter, "is to see simply—outlines, +general masses. The thing is not to copy nature with childish +minuteness."</p> + +<p>"No, of course not," replied the doctor. "Besides, it can't be done."</p> + +<p>"Of course it can't, because nature is so endlessly full of details +which can <!-- p. 012 -->never all be considered. The thing is to suggest their +presence."</p> + +<p>"Quite so," said the doctor.</p> + +<p>But when he came to gaze upon the face he loved so well, and saw it +transformed into outlines and general masses, he seemed a little +surprised.</p> + +<p>"Well, of course," he said, "it is excellent—oh, it's very, very +good—but don't you think you have made me a little too old? I have +no lines at the corner of my mouth, and my hair is not quite so +thin."</p> + +<p>He appealed to the aide-de-camp who was just then passing by.</p> + +<p>"Dundas, is this like me?"</p> + +<p>"Certainly, Doc; but it's ten years younger."</p> + +<p>The doctor's smile darkened, and he began rather insistently to +praise the Old Masters.</p> + +<p>"Modern painting," he proclaimed, "is too brutal."</p><!-- p. 013 --> + +<p>"Good heavens," said Aurelle, "a great artist cannot paint with a +powder-puff; you must be able to feel that the fellow with the pencil +was not a eunuch."</p> + +<p>"Really," he went on, when the doctor had left in rather a bad +temper, "he's as ridiculous as the others. I think his portrait is +very vigorous, and not in the least a skit, whatever he may say."</p> + +<p>"Just sit down there a minute, old man," said the painter. "I shall +be jolly glad to work from an intelligent model for once. They all +want to look like tailors' fashion-plates. Now, I can't change my +style; I don't paint in beauty paste, I render what I see—it's like +Diderot's old story about the amateur who asked a floral painter to +portray a lion. 'With pleasure,' said the artist, 'but you may expect +a lion that will be as like a rose as I can make him.'"</p> + +<p>The conversation lasted a long time; it was friendly and technical. +Aurelle <!-- p. 014 -->praised Beltara's painting; Beltara expressed his joy at +having found so penetrating and artistic a critic in the midst of +so many Philistines.</p> + +<p>"I prefer your opinion to a painter's; it's certainly sincerer. Would +you mind turning your profile a bit more towards me? Some months +before the war I had two friends in my studio to whom I wished to +show a little picture I intended for the <i>Salon</i>. 'Yes,' said the +younger of them, 'it's all right, but there ought to be a light spot +in that corner; your lights are not well balanced.' 'Shut up, you +fool,' the other whispered to him, 'that'll make it <i>really</i> good!' +Come on, old man, come and look; I think that sketch can be left as +it is."</p> + +<p>Aurelle walked up to the painter, and, cocking his head on one side, +looked at the drawing.</p> + +<p>"It's charming," he said at last with <!-- p. 015 -->some reluctance. "It's charming. +There are some delightful touches—all that still life on the table, +it might be a Chardin—and I like the background very much indeed."</p> + +<p>"Well, old man, I'm glad you like it. Take it back with you when you +go on leave and give it to your wife."</p> + +<p>"Er—" sighed Aurelle, "thank you, <i lang="fr">mon capitaine</i>; it's really very +kind of you. Only—you'll think me no end of a fool—you see, if it +is to be for my wife, I'd like you to touch up the profile just a +little. Of course you understand."</p> + +<p>And Beltara, who was a decent fellow, adorned his friend's face with +the Grecian nose and the small mouth which the gods had denied him.</p><!-- p. 016 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb02" class="chapheader">CHAPTER II<br> + +DIPLOMACY</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"We are not foreigners; we are English; it is <i>you</i> that are +foreigners."—<span class="sc">An English Lady Abroad.</span></p> + + +<p>When Dr. O'Grady and Aurelle had succeeded, with some difficulty, in +obtaining a room from old Madame de Vauclère, Colonel Parker went +over to see them and was charmed with the château and the park.</p> + +<p>France and England, he said, were the only two countries in which +fine gardens were to be found, and he told the story of the American +who asked the secret of those well-mown lawns and was answered, +"Nothing is simpler: water them for twelve hundred years."</p><!-- p. 017 --> + +<p>Then he inquired timidly whether he also might not be quartered at +the château.</p> + +<p>"It wouldn't do very well, sir; Madame is mortally afraid of +new-comers, and she has a right, being a widow, to refuse to billet +you."</p> + +<p>"Aurelle, my boy, do be a good fellow, and go and arrange matters."</p> + +<p>After much complaining, Madame de Vauclère consented to put the +colonel up: all her sons were officers, and she could not withstand +sentimental arguments for very long.</p> + +<p>The next day Parker's orderly joined the doctor's in the château +kitchen, and together they annexed the fireplace. To make room for +their own utensils, they took down a lot of comical little French +articles, removed what they saw no use for, put the kettle on, and +whistled hymns as they filled the cupboards with tins of boot polish +in scientifically graded rows.</p><!-- p. 018 --> + +<p>After adoring them on the first day, putting up with them on the +second, and cursing them on the third, the old cook came up to +Aurelle with many lamentations, and dwelt at some length on the sad +state of her saucepans; but she found the interpreter dealing with +far more serious problems.</p> + +<p>Colonel Parker, suddenly realizing that it was inconvenient for the +general to be quartered away from his Staff, had decided to transfer +the whole H.Q. to the château of Vauclère.</p> + +<p>"Explain to the old lady that I want a very good room for the +general, and the billiard-room for our clerks."</p> + +<p>"Why, it's impossible, sir; she has no good room left."</p> + +<p>"What about her own?" said Colonel Parker.</p> + +<p>Madame de Vauclère, heart-broken, but vanquished by the magic word +"General," which Aurelle kept on repeating sixty <!-- p. 019 -->times a minute, +tearfully abandoned her canopied bed and her red damask chairs, +and took refuge on the second floor.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the drawing-room with its ancient tapestries was filled +with an army of phlegmatic clerks occupied in heaping up innumerable +cases containing the history in triplicate of the Division, its men, +horses, arms and achievements.</p> + +<p>"Maps" set up his drawing-board on a couple of arm-chairs; +"Intelligence" concealed their secrets in an Aubusson boudoir; and +the telephone men sauntered about in the dignified, slow, bantering +fashion of the British workman. They set up their wires in the park, +and cut branches off the oaks and lime trees; they bored holes in the +old walls, and, as they wished to sleep near their work they put up +tents on the lawns.</p> + +<p>The Staff asked for their horses; and the animals were picketed in +the garden walks, as the stables were too small. In <!-- p. 020 -->the garden +the Engineers made a dug-out in case of a possible bombardment. +The orderlies' football developed a distinct liking for the +window-panes of the summer-house. The park assumed the aspect +first of a building site and then of a training camp, and new-comers +said, "These French gardens <i>are</i> badly kept!"</p> + +<p>This methodical work of destruction had been going on for about a +week when "Intelligence" got going.</p> + +<p>"Intelligence" was represented at the Division by Captain Forbes.</p> + +<p>Forbes, who had never yet arrested a real spy, saw potential spies +everywhere, and as he was fond of the company of the great, he always +made his suspicions a pretext for going to see General Bramble or +Colonel Parker. One day he remained closeted for an hour with the +colonel, who summoned Aurelle as soon as he had left.</p> + +<p>"Do you know," he said to him, <!-- p. 021 -->"there are most dangerous things +going on here. Two old women are constantly being seen in this +château. What the deuce are they up to?"</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" gasped Aurelle. "This is their house, sir; it's +Madame de Vauclère and her maid."</p> + +<p>"Well, you go and tell them from me to clear out as soon as possible. +The presence of civilians among a Staff cannot be tolerated; the +Intelligence people have complained about it, and they are perfectly +right."</p> + +<p>"But where are they to go to, sir?"</p> + +<p>"That's no concern of mine."</p> + +<p>Aurelle turned round furiously and left the room. Coming across Dr. +O'Grady in the park, he asked his advice about the matter.</p> + +<p>"Why, doctor, she had a perfect right to refuse to billet us, and +from a military point of view we should certainly be better off at +Nieppe. She was asked to <!-- p. 022 -->do us a favour, she grants it, and her +kindness is taken as a reason for her expulsion! I can't 'evacuate +her to the rear,' as Forbes would say; she'd die of it!"</p> + +<p>"I should have thought," said the doctor, "that after three years you +knew the British temperament better than this. Just go and tell the +colonel, politely and firmly, that you refuse to carry out his +orders. Then depict Madame de Vauclère's situation in your grandest +and most tragic manner. Tell him her family has been living in the +château for the last two thousand years, that one of her ancestors +came over to England with William the Conqueror, and that her +grandfather was a friend of Queen Victoria's. Then the colonel will +apologize and place a whole wing at the disposal of your +<i>protégée</i>."</p> + +<p>Dr. O'Grady's prescription was carried out in detail by Aurelle with +most satisfactory results.</p><!-- p. 023 --> + +<p>"You are right," said the colonel, "Forbes is a damned idiot. The old +lady can stay on, and if anybody annoys her, let her come to me."</p> + +<p>"It's all these servants who are such a nuisance to her, sir," said +Aurelle. "It's very painful for her to see her own house turned +upside-down."</p> + +<p>"Upside-down?" gasped the colonel. "Why, the house is far better kept +than it was in her time. I have had the water in the cisterns +analysed; I have had sweet-peas planted and the tennis lawn rolled. +What can she complain of?"</p> + +<p>In the well-appointed kitchen garden, where stout-limbed pear trees +bordered square beds of sprouting lettuce, Aurelle joined O'Grady.</p> + +<p>"Doctor, you're a great man, and my old lady is saved. But it appears +she ought to thank her lucky stars for having placed her under the +British Protectorate, which, in exchange for her freedom, provides <!-- p. 024 --> +her with a faultless tennis lawn and microbeless water."</p> + +<p>"There is nothing," said the doctor gravely, "that the British +Government is not ready to do for the good of the natives."</p><!-- p. 025 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb03" class="chapheader">CHAPTER III<br> + +THE TOWER OF BABEL</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"Des barques romaines, disais-je.—Non, disais-tu, +portugaises."—<span class="sc">Jean Giraudoux.</span></p> + + +<p>"Wot you require, sir," interrupted Private Brommit, "is a glass o' +boilin' 'ot milk an' whisky, with lots o' cinnamon."</p> + +<p>Aurelle, who was suffering from an attack of influenza, was at +Estrées, under the care of Dr. O'Grady, who tirelessly prescribed +ammoniated quinine.</p> + +<p>"I say, doctor," said the young Frenchman, "this is a drug that's +utterly unknown in France. It seems strange that medicines should +have a nationality."</p> + +<p>"Why shouldn't they?" said the doctor. "Many diseases are national. <!-- p. 026 --> +If a Frenchman has a bathe after a meal, he is stricken with +congestion of the stomach and is drowned. An Englishman never +has congestion of the stomach."</p> + +<p>"No," said Aurelle; "he is drowned all the same, but his friends say +he had cramp, and the honour of Britain is saved."</p> + +<p>Private Brommit knocked at the door and showed in Colonel Parker, who +sat down by the bed and asked Aurelle how he was getting on.</p> + +<p>"He is much better," said the doctor; "a few more doses of +quinine——"</p> + +<p>"I am glad to hear that," replied the colonel, "because I shall want +you, Aurelle. G.H.Q. is sending me on a mission for a fortnight to +one of your Brittany ports; I am to organize the training of the +Portuguese Division. I have orders to take an interpreter with me. I +thought of you for the job."</p> + +<p>"But," Aurelle put in, "I don't know a word of Portuguese."</p><!-- p. 027 --> + +<p>"What does that matter?" said the colonel. "You're an interpreter, +aren't you? Isn't that enough?"</p> + +<hr> + +<p>The following day Aurelle told his servant to try and find a +Portuguese in the little town of Estrées.</p> + +<p>"Brommit is an admirable fellow," said Colonel Parker, "he found +whisky for me in the middle of the bush, and quite drinkable beer in +France. If I say to him, 'Don't come back without a Portuguese,' he +is sure to bring one with him, dead or alive."</p> + +<p>As a matter of fact, that very evening he brought back with him a +nervous, talkative little man.</p> + +<p>"Ze Poortooguez in fifteen days," exclaimed the little man, +gesticulating freely with his small plump hands "A language so rich, +so flexible, in fifteen days! Ah, you have ze luck, young man, to +'ave found in zis town Juan Garretos, of <!-- p. 028 -->Portalègre, Master of Arts of +ze University of Coimbra, and positivist philosopher. Ze Poortooguez +in fifteen days! Do you know at least ze Low Latin? ze Greek? +ze Hebrew? ze Arabic? ze Chinese? If not, it is useless to +go furzer."</p> + +<p>Aurelle confessed his ignorance.</p> + +<p>"Never mind," said Juan Garretos indulgently; "ze shape of your 'ead +inspire me wiz confidence: for ten francs ze hour I accept you. Only, +mind, no chattering; ze Latins always talk too much. Not a single +word of ze English between us now. <i>Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez</i>—do +me ze favour of speaking ze Poortooguez. Know first zat, in ze +Poortooguez, one speak in ze zird person. You must call your speaker +Excellency.'"</p> + +<p>"What's that?" Aurelle interrupted. "I thought you had just had a +democratic revolution."</p> + +<p>"Precisely," said the positivist philosopher, <!-- p. 029 -->wringing his little +hands, "precisely. In France you made ze revoluçaoung in order zat +every man should be called 'citizen.' What a waste of energy! In +Poortugal we made ze revoluçaoung in order zat every man should be +called 'His Highness.' Instead of levelling down we levelled up. It +is better. Under ze old order ze children of ze poor were <i>rapachos</i>, +and zose of ze aristocracy were <i>meninos</i>: now zey are all <i>meninos</i>. +Zat is a revoluçaoung! <i>Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez.</i> Ze Latins +always talk too much."</p> + +<p>Having thus earned his ten francs by an hour's unceasing eloquence, +he made a fairer proposal to Aurelle next day.</p> + +<p>"I will arrange with you for a fixed sum," he said. "If I teach you +two souzand words, you give me fifty francs."</p> + +<p>"Very well," replied Aurelle, "two thousand words will be a +sufficient vocabulary to begin with."</p><!-- p. 030 --> + +<p>"All right," said Juan Garretos; "now listen to me. All ze words +which in ze English end with 'tion' are ze same in ze Poortooguez wiz +ze ending 'çaoung.' Revolution—<i>revoluçaoung</i>; +constitution—<i>constituçaoung</i>; inquisition—<i>inquisiçaoung</i>. Now +zere are in ze English two souzand words ending in 'tion.' Your +Excellency owes me fifty francs. <i>Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez.</i>"</p> + +<hr> + +<p>A fortnight later Colonel Parker and Aurelle stepped on to the +platform at B——, where they were met by Major Baraquin, the officer +commanding the garrison, and Captain Pereira, the Portuguese liaison +officer.</p> + +<p>Major Baraquin was a very old soldier. He had seen service—in the +1870 campaign. All strangers, Allies included, inspired him with a +distrust which even his respect for his superiors failed to remove. +When the French War Office <!-- p. 031 -->ordered him to place his barracks at +the disposal of a British colonel, discipline required him to obey, +but hostile memories inspired him with savage resistance.</p> + +<p>"After all, sir," said Aurelle to Parker, "his grandfather was at +Waterloo."</p> + +<p>"Are you quite sure," asked the colonel, "that he was not there +himself?"</p> + +<p>Above all things, Major Baraquin would never admit that the armies of +other nations might have different habits from his own. That the +British soldier should eat jam and drink tea filled him with generous +indignation.</p> + +<p>"The colonel," Aurelle translated, "requests me to ask you ..."</p> + +<p>"No, no, <span class="sc">no</span>," replied Major Baraquin in stentorian tones, +without troubling to listen any further.</p> + +<p>"But it will be necessary, sir, for the Portuguese who are going to +land...."</p> + +<p>"No, no, <span class="sc">no</span>, I tell you," Major <!-- p. 032 -->Baraquin repeated, +resolved upon ignoring demands which he considered subversive +and childish. This refrain was as far as he ever got in his +conversations with Aurelle.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Next day several large British transports arrived, and disgorged upon +the quay thousands of small, black-haired men who gazed mournfully +upon the alien soil. It was snowing, and most of them were seeing +snow for the first time in their lives. They wandered about in the +mud, shivering in their spotted blue cotton uniforms and dreaming, no +doubt, of sunny Alemtejo.</p> + +<p>"They'll fight well," said Captain Pereira, "they'll fight well. +Wellington called them his fighting cocks, and Napoleon said his +Portuguese legion made the best troops in the world. But can you +wonder they are sad?"</p> + +<p>Each of them had brought with him a <!-- p. 033 -->pink handkerchief containing his +collection of souvenirs—little reminders of his village, his +people, or his best girl—and when they were told that they could +not take their pink parcels with them to the front, there was a +heart-breaking outcry.</p> + +<p>Major Baraquin, with unconscious and sinister humour, had quartered +them in the shambles.</p> + +<p>"It would be better——" began Colonel Parker.</p> + +<p>"Il vaudrait peut-être mieux——" Aurelle attempted to translate.</p> + +<p>"Vossa Excellencia——" began Captain Pereira.</p> + +<p>"No, no, <span class="sc">no</span>," said the old warrior passionately.</p> + +<p>The Portuguese went to the shambles.</p><!-- p. 034 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb04" class="chapheader">CHAPTER IV<br> + +A BUSINESS MAN IN THE ARMY</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable +one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all +progress depends on the unreasonable man."—<span class="sc">G. B. Shaw</span> (in +<i>A Revolutionist's Handbook</i>).</p> + + +<p>Colonel Musgrave of the R.A.S.C. had been instructed to +superintend the supply and transport arrangements of the Portuguese +Division, and Lieutenant Barefoot, in charge of a Labour Company, had +been detailed to assist him.</p> + +<p>"These men," he explained to Colonel Musgrave, "are all Southampton +dockers. In peace time I am their employer, and Sergeant Scott over +there is their foreman. They tell me your Labour Companies <!-- p. 035 -->have often +shown rather poor discipline. There's no fear of anything like that +with my men; they have been chosen with care, and look up to me as if +I were a king. Scott, my sergeant, can do anything; neither he nor my +men ever drink a drop. As for me, I am a real business man, and I +intend to introduce new methods into the army."</p> + +<p>Barefoot was fifty years old; he had a bald head shaped like an egg. +He had just enlisted to serve his King and country, and was +overflowing with goodwill.</p> + +<p>The next morning twenty of his men were dead-drunk, two were absent +at roll-call, and Sergeant Scott had a scar on his nose which seemed +to be the result of a somewhat sudden encounter with mother earth.</p> + +<p>"No matter," said the worthy N.C.O., "Barefoot is an ass, and never +notices anything."</p> + +<p>Next day the first batch of Portuguese <!-- p. 036 -->troops arrived. British tugs +towed the huge transports round the tiny harbour with graceful ease, +and the decks seethed with masses of troops. The harbour captain and +the <i lang="fr">Ponts et Chaussées</i> engineer were loud in protest against these +wonders, as being "contrary to the ideas of the Service." The wharves +were filled with motor lorries, mountains of pressed hay, sacks of +oats and boxes of biscuits.</p> + +<p>Colonel Musgrave, who was to take charge of this treasure-store, +began to make his plan of campaign.</p> + +<p>"To-morrow, Friday," he said, "there will be a parade on the wharf at +7 a.m. I shall hold an inspection myself before work is begun."</p> + +<p>On Friday morning at seven, Barefoot, his labourers and the lorries +were all paraded on the wharf in excellent order. At eight the +colonel got up, had his bath and shaved. Then he partook of eggs and +bacon, bread and jam, and drank <!-- p. 037 -->two cups of tea. Towards nine o'clock +his car took him to the wharf. When he saw the men standing +motionless, the officer saluting and the lorries all in a row, +his face went as red as a brick, and he stood up in his car and +addressed them angrily:</p> + +<p>"So you are incapable of the slightest initiative! If I am absent for +an hour, detained by more important work, everything comes to a +standstill! I see I cannot rely on anyone here except myself!"</p> + +<p>The same evening he called the officers together.</p> + +<p>"To-morrow, Saturday," he said, "there will be a parade at 7 a. +m.—and this time I shall be there."</p> + +<p>The next morning Barefoot with his men and lorries paraded once more +on the wharf, with a sea-wind sweeping an icy rain into their faces. +At half-past seven the lieutenant took action.</p> + +<p>"We will start work," he said. "The <!-- p. 038 -->colonel was quite right yesterday +and spoke like a real business man. In our respect for narrow +formalism, we stupidly wasted a whole morning's work."</p> + +<p>So his men began to pile up the cases, the lorries started to move +the sacks of oats, and the day's work was pretty well advanced when +Colonel Musgrave appeared. Having had his bath and shaved, and +absorbed poached eggs on toast, bread, marmalade and three cups of +tea, he had not been able to be ready before ten. Suddenly coming +upon all this healthy bustle, he leaped out of his car, and angrily +addressed the eager Barefoot, who was approaching him with a modest +smile.</p> + +<p>"Who has had the impudence to call the men off parade before my +arrival?" he said. "So if I happen to be detained elsewhere by more +important work, my orders are simply disregarded! I see again that I +cannot rely on anyone here except myself!"</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the crestfallen Barefoot was <!-- p. 039 -->meditating upon the mysterious +ways of the army. Musgrave inspected the work and decided that +everything was to be done all over again. The biscuits were to be +put in the shed where the oats had been piled, and the oats were to +be put out in the open where the biscuits had been. The meat was to +change places with the jam, and the mustard with the bacon. The +lorries were to take away again everything they had just brought up. +So that when lunch-time arrived, everything was in exactly the same +state as it had been at dawn. The Admiralty announced the arrival of +a transport at two o'clock; the men were supposed to find their +rations ready for them upon landing.</p> + +<p>Musgrave very pluckily decided that the Labour Company were to have +no rest, and were just to be content with nibbling a light lunch +while they went on with their work.</p> + +<p>Barefoot, who had got up at six and <!-- p. 040 -->was very hungry, approached the +colonel in fear and trembling.</p> + +<p>"May I leave my sergeant in charge for half an hour, sir?" he asked. +"He can do everything as well as I can. I should like just to run +along to the nearest café and have something warm to eat."</p> + +<p>Musgrave gazed at him in mournful astonishment.</p> + +<p>"Really," he said, "you young fellows don't seem to realize that +there's a war on." Whereupon he stepped into his car and drove off to +the hotel.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Barefoot, somewhat downcast, buttonholed the interpreter, who was +father-confessor to all Englishmen in distress. Aurelle begged him +not to get excited.</p> + +<p>"You are always talking about introducing your business methods into +the army. As if that were possible! Why, the objects of the two +things are entirely different. A business man is always looking <!-- p. 041 --> +for work; an officer is always trying to avoid it. If you neglect +these principles, I can foresee an ignominious end in store for you, +Barefoot, and Colonel Musgrave will trample on your corpse."</p> + +<p>Now the thirty thousand Portuguese had been fed during their long +voyage on tinned food; and as the transports' holds were being +cleared, innumerable empty tins began to accumulate on the wharves. +Barefoot and his men were ordered to gather these tins together into +regular heaps. These grew so rapidly that the Mayor of the town was +exceedingly concerned to see such a waste of space in a harbour +already filled to bursting-point, and sent a pointed letter to +Colonel Musgrave, asking him to find some other place for his empty +tins.</p> + +<p>Colonel Musgrave ordered his interpreter to write an equally pointed +letter, reminding the Mayor of B—— that the removal of refuse was a +municipal <!-- p. 042 -->concern, and that the British Army was therefore waiting +for the Town to hand over a plot of ground for the purpose.</p> + +<p>Barefoot happened to speak of this difficulty one day to the business +man at whose house he was billeted; and the latter told him that a +process had recently been discovered by which old tins could be +melted down and used again, and that a company had been floated to +work out the scheme; they would be sure to purchase Colonel +Musgrave's tins.</p> + +<p>The enthusiastic Barefoot began to see visions of profitable and +glorious enterprises. Not only would he rid his chief and the Mayor +of B—— of a lot of cumbersome salvage, but this modest contract for +some tens of tons might well serve as a model to those responsible +for the sale of the millions of empty tins scattered daily by the +British Army over the plains of Flanders and Artois. And the +Commander-in-Chief would call the <!-- p. 043 -->attention of the War Office to the +fact that "Lieutenant E. W. Barefoot, by his bold and intelligent +initiative, had enabled salvage to be carried out to the extent of +several million pounds."</p> + +<p>"Aurelle," he said to the interpreter, "let's write to this company +immediately; we'll speak about it to the colonel when we get their +reply."</p> + +<p>The answer came by return; they were offered twenty francs per ton, +carriage at the company's cost.</p> + +<p>Barefoot explained his scheme to Colonel Musgrave with assumed +modesty, adding that it would be a good thing to flatten out the tins +before dispatching them, and that Sergeant Scott, who was a handy +man, could easily undertake the job.</p> + +<p>"First of all," said the colonel, "why can't you mind your own +business? Don't you know you are forbidden to correspond with +strangers upon matters pertaining to the service without consulting +<!-- p. 044 -->your superior officers? And who told you <i>I</i>'ve not been thinking +for quite a long time of selling your damned tins? Do you think +things are as simple as all that in the army? Fetch Aurelle; I'm +going to see the superintendent of the French Customs."</p> + +<p>Three years' experience had taught Colonel Musgrave that the French +Customs Service were always to be relied on.</p> + +<p>"Kindly ask this gentleman whether the British Army, having imported +tins with their contents without paying any duty, has the right to +sell these tins empty in France?"</p> + +<p>"No," answered the official, when the colonel's question had been +translated to him, "there is an order from our headquarters about the +matter. The British Army must not carry on any sale of metal on +French soil."</p> + +<p>"Thank him very much," said the colonel, satisfied.</p><!-- p. 045 --> + +<p>"Now just look here," he said to Barefoot on returning, "what a nice +mess you would have made if I hadn't known my business. Let this be a +lesson to you. In future it will be better if you look after your men +and leave the rest to me. As for the tins, I have thought of a +solution which will satisfy everyone concerned."</p> + +<p>Next day Barefoot received orders to have the tins packed on lorries, +and carried in several loads to the end of the pier, whence they were +neatly cast into the sea. In this way the Mayor was spared the +trouble of finding a dumping-ground, the British Government paid for +the petrol consumed by the lorries, the <i lang="fr">Ponts et Chaussées</i> bore +the expense of the dredging, and, as Colonel Musgrave said, every one +was satisfied.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Colonel Parker, before rejoining the <!-- p. 046 -->Division, wrote out a report, +as usual, about the operations at B——.</p> + +<p>"I beg to draw attention," the document ran, "to the excellent +organization of the Supply arrangements. Thirty thousand men have +been provided with rations in a harbour where no British base +existed. This result is due especially to the organizing abilities +displayed by Colonel A. C. Musgrave, C.M.G., D.S.O. (R.A.S.C.). +Although this officer has only recently been promoted, I consider it +my duty to recommend him ..."</p> + +<p>"What about Barefoot?" said Aurelle. "Couldn't he be made a captain?"</p> + +<p>"Barefoot? That damned shopkeeper fellow whom Musgrave told me about? +The man who wanted to introduce his methods into the army? He's a +public danger, my boy! But I can propose your friend Major Baraquin +for a C.M.G., if you like."</p> + +<p>"Baraquin?" Aurelle exclaimed in <!-- p. 047 -->turn. "Why, he always refused +everything you asked him for."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the colonel; "he's not very easy to get on with; he +doesn't understand things; but he's a soldier, every inch of him! I +like old Baraquin!"</p><!-- p. 048 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb05" class="chapheader">CHAPTER V<br> + +THE STORY OF PRIVATE BIGGS</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"La Nature fait peu de gens vaillants; c'est la bonne institution +et la discipline."—<span class="sc">Charron.</span></p> + + +<p>The new padre was a stout, artless man with a kind face. He was only +just out from England, and delighted the general with his air of +innocent surprise.</p> + +<p>"What's making all that noise?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Our guns," said Colonel Parker.</p> + +<p>"Really?" replied the padre, in mild astonishment. As he walked into +the camp, he was stopped by a sentry.</p> + +<p>"Who goes there?"</p> + +<p>"Friend," he answered. Then he went up to the man and added +anxiously, "I <!-- p. 049 -->suppose that was the right thing to answer, wasn't +it?"</p> + +<p>The general was delighted at these stories, and asked the Rev. Mr. +Jeffries to take his meals at his own table.</p> + +<p>"Padre," he said, "don't you think our mess is a happy family?"</p> + +<p>"Padre," chimed in the doctor approvingly, "don't you think that this +mess has all the characteristics of a family? It is just a group of +people thrown together by chance, who never understand each other in +the least, who criticize one another severely, and are compelled by +circumstances to put up with each other."</p> + +<p>"There's nothing to joke about," said Colonel Parker. "It's these +compulsory associations that often give rise to the finest devotion."</p> + +<p>And being in a lively mood that evening, he related the story of +Private Biggs:</p> + +<p>"You remember Biggs, who used to be <!-- p. 050 -->my orderly? He was a shy, +refined little fellow, who used to sell neckties in peace-time. He +loathed war, shells, blood and danger.</p> + +<p>"Well, at the end of 1916, the powers that be sent the battalion to +Gamaches training camp. A training camp, padre, is a plot of ground +traversed by imitation trenches, where officers who have never been +near the line teach war-worn veterans their business.</p> + +<p>"The officers in charge of these camps, having a <i lang="fr">clientèle</i> to +satisfy, start some new fashion every season. This spring I +understand that 'open file' is to be the order of the day; last +autumn 'massed formation' was the watchword of the best firms. +There's a lot of talk been going on for some time, too, about 'firing +from the hip'; that's one of my friend Lamb's absolutely original +creations—a clever fellow that; he ought to do very well.</p><!-- p. 051 --> + +<p>"At Gamaches the officer in command was Major Macleod, a bloodthirsty +Scot whose hobby was bayonet work. He was very successful at showing +that, when all's said and done, it's the bayonet that wins battles. +Others before him have sworn that it is only hand-grenades, heavy +guns, or even cavalry that can give a decisive victory. But Macleod's +doctrine was original in one respect: he favoured moral suggestion +rather than actual practice for the manufacture of his soldiers. For +the somewhat repulsive slaughter of bayonet fighting he found it +necessary to inspire the men with a fierce hatred of the enemy.</p> + +<p>"For this purpose he had bags of straw stuffed to the shape of German +soldiers, adorned with a sort of German helmet and painted +field-grey, and these were given as targets to our Highlanders.</p> + +<p>"'Blood is flowing,' he used to repeat as the training proceeded, +'blood is <!-- p. 052 -->flowing, and you must rejoice at the sight of it. Don't +get tender-hearted; just think only of stabbing in the right place. +To withdraw the bayonet from the corpse, place your foot on the +stomach.'</p> + +<p>"You can imagine how Biggs's soul revolted at these speeches. In vain +did Sergeant-Major Fairbanks of the Guards deliver himself of his +most bloodthirsty <i>repertoire</i>; Biggs's tender heart was +horror-struck at the idea of bowels and brains exposed, and it was +always owing to him that the most carefully-prepared charges were +deprived of the warlike frenzy demanded by Major Macleod.</p> + +<p>"'<i>As</i> you were!' Sergeant-Major Fairbanks used to yell. '<i>As</i> you +were! Now then, Private Biggs.' And after twenty attempts had failed, +he would conclude sadly, 'Well, boys, mark my words, come Judgment +Day, when we're all p'radin' for the final review an' the Lord comes +along, no sooner will the Archangel <!-- p. 053 -->give the order, "'Tention!" than +'e'll 'ave to shout, "As you were! Now then, Private Biggs!"'</p> + +<p>"When the period of training was over, Macleod assembled all our men +in a large shed and gave 'em his celebrated lecture on 'hatred of the +enemy.'</p> + +<p>"I was really curious to hear him, because people at G.H.Q. were +always talking about the extraordinary influence he had over the +troops' <i>moral</i>. 'One of Macleod's speeches,' said the Chief of +Staff, 'does the Huns as much harm as ten batteries of heavy +howitzers.'</p> + +<p>"The lecturer began with a ghastly description of the shooting of +prisoners, and went on to a nauseating account of the effects of gas +and a terrible story about the crucifixion of a Canadian sergeant; +and then, when our flesh was creeping and our throats were dry, came +a really eloquent hymn of hate, ending with an appeal to the avenging +bayonet.</p><!-- p. 054 --> + +<p>"Macleod was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the sight of our +haggard faces; then, considering we were sufficiently worked up, he +went on:</p> + +<p>"'Now, if there is any one of you who wants anything explained, let +him speak up; I'm ready to answer any questions.'</p> + +<p>"Out of the silence came the still, small voice of Private Biggs.</p> + +<p>"'Please, sir?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, my man,' said Major Macleod kindly.</p> + +<p>"'Please, sir, can you tell me how I can transfer to the Army Service +Corps?'</p> + +<p>"That evening, in the kitchen, our orderlies discussed the incident, +and discovered in course of conversation that Biggs had never killed +a man. All the others were tough old warriors, and they were much +astonished.</p> + +<p>"Kemble, the general's orderly, a giant with a dozen or so to his +account, was full of pity for the poor little Cockney. 'Mon, <!-- p. 055 -->mon,' +he said, 'I can hardly believe ye. Why, never a single one? Not +even wounded?'</p> + +<p>"'No,' said Biggs, 'honest Injun. I run so slowly, I'm always the +last to get there—I never get a chance.'</p> + +<p>"Well, a few days later, the battalion was up in the line again, and +was sent into a little stunt opposite Fleurbaix, to straighten out a +salient. You remember, sir? It's one of the best things the Division +has ever done.</p> + +<p>"Artillery preparation, low barrage, cutting +communications—everything came off like clockwork, and we caught the +Boches in their holes like rabbits.</p> + +<p>"While the men were busy with their rifles, grenades and bayonets, +cleaning up the conquered trenches, suddenly a voice was heard +shouting:</p> + +<p>"'Harry, Harry, where are you?... Just send Biggs along here, will +you?... Pass the word along to Private Biggs.'</p><!-- p. 056 --> + +<p>"It was the voice of the Highlander, Kemble. Some giant grasped Biggs +by the seat of his trousers and swung him and his rifle up to the +parapet. Then two strong hands seized the little man, and he was +swung in mid-air from man to man right up the file till he was +finally handed over to Kemble, who seized him affectionately with his +left hand, and, full of joy at the dainty treat he had in store for +his friend, cried, 'Mon, mon, look in this wee hole: I've got twa of +'em at the end of my rifle, but I've kept 'em for you.'</p> + +<p>"This is a true story," added Colonel Parker, "and it shows once more +that the British soldier has a kind heart."</p> + +<p>The Rev. Mr. Jeffries had turned very pale.</p><!-- p. 057 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb06" class="chapheader">CHAPTER VI<br> + +AN AIR RAID</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"I do not like seriousness. I think it is +irreligious."—<span class="sc">Chesterton.</span></p> + + +<p>"They'll be here soon," said Dr. O'Grady. "The moon is low, and the +shadows are long, and these oblique lights will suit them very well."</p> + +<p>The division was in rest on the hills overlooking Abbeville, and the +doctor was walking to and fro with Colonel Parker and Aurelle along +the lime-bordered terrace, from which they could see the town that +was going to be attacked. From the wet grassy lawns near by groups of +anxious women were scanning the horizon.</p><!-- p. 058 --> + +<p>"Yesterday evening, in a suburb," said Aurelle, "they killed a +baker's three children."</p> + +<p>"I am sorry," put in the doctor, "they should be favoured with this +fine weather. The law of the storm seems to be exactly the same for +these barbarians as it is for innocent birds. It's absolutely +contradictory to the notion of a just Divinity."</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you are an unbeliever."</p> + +<p>"No," replied the doctor, "I am an Irishman, and I respect the bitter +wisdom of the Catholic faith. But this universe of ours, I confess, +strikes me as completely non-moral. Shells and decorations fall +haphazard from above on the just and the unjust alike; M. Poincaré's +carburettor gets out of order just as often as the Kaiser's. The Gods +have thrown up their job, and handed it over to the Fates. It is true +that Apollo, <!-- p. 059 -->who is a well-behaved person, takes out his chariot +every morning; that may satisfy the poets and the astronomers, but it +distresses the moralist. How satisfactory it would be if the +resistance of the air were relative to the virtues of the airman, and +if Archimedes' principle did not apply to pirates!"</p> + +<p>"O'Grady," observed Colonel Parker, "you know the words of the psalm: +'As for the ungodly, it is not so with them; but they are like the +chaff which the wind scattereth away from the face of the earth.'"</p> + +<p>"Yes, colonel; but supposing you, a good man, and I, a sinner, were +suddenly hit by a bomb——"</p> + +<p>"But, doctor," Aurelle interrupted, "this science of yours is after +all only an act of faith."</p> + +<p>"How so, my boy? It is obvious that there are laws in this world. If +I press the trigger of this revolver, the bullet <!-- p. 060 -->will fly out, and +if General Webb is given an Army Corps, General Bramble will have a +bilious attack."</p> + +<p>"Quite so, doctor; you observe a few series linked together, and you +conclude that the world is governed by laws. But the most important +facts—life, thought, love—elude your observations. You may perhaps +be sure that the sun is going to rise to-morrow morning, but you +don't know what Colonel Parker is going to say next minute. Yet you +assert that the colonel is a machine; that is because your religion +tells you to."</p> + +<p>"So does every one else's religion," said the doctor. "Only yesterday +I read in the Bishop of Broadfield's message: 'The prayers for rain +cannot take place this week, as the barometer is too high.'"</p> + +<p>Far away over the plain, in the direction of Amiens, the +star-sprinkled sky began to flicker with tiny, flashing points of +light.</p><!-- p. 061 --> + +<p>"Here they come," said Aurelle.</p> + +<p>"They'll be ten minutes yet," said the doctor. They resumed their +walk.</p> + +<p>"O'Grady," Colonel Parker put in, "you're getting more crazy every +day. You claim, if I comprehend your foolish ideas aright, that a +scientist can foretell rain better than an Anglican bishop. What a +magnificent paradox! Meteorology and medicine are far less solid +sciences than theology. <i>You</i> say that the universe is governed by +laws, don't you? Nothing is less certain. It is true that chance +seems to have established a relative balance in the tiny corner of +the universe which we inhabit, but there is nothing to show that this +balance is going to last. If you were to press the trigger of this +revolver to-morrow, it is just possible that it would not go off. It +is also possible that the German aeroplanes will cease to fly, and +that General Bramble will take a dislike to the gramophone. <!-- p. 062 --><i>I</i> +should not be surprised at any of these things; I should simply +recognize that supernatural forces had come into our lives."</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you know the clock which my orderly Brommit +winds up every evening? Let us suppose that on one of the molecules +that go to make up the minute-hand of that clock there live a race of +beings who are infinitely small, and yet as intelligent as we are. +These little creatures have measured their world, and have noticed +that the speed of its motion is constant; they have discovered that +their planet covers a fixed distance in a fixed period of time, which +for us is a minute and for them a century. Amongst their people there +are two schools of thought. The scientists claim that the laws of the +universe are immutable, and that no supernatural power can intervene +to change them. The believers admit the existence <!-- p. 063 -->of these laws, but +they also assert that there is a divine being who can interfere with +their course; and to that being they address prayers. In that tiny +world, which of them is right? The believers, of course; for there is +such a being as Private Brommit, and if he forgets one evening to +wind up the clock, the scientists and all their proud theories will +vanish away like smoke in a cataclysm which will bring whole worlds +to their doom."</p> + +<p>"That's so," said the doctor; "but if they had prayed——"</p> + +<p>"Listen," interrupted Aurelle.</p> + +<p>The park had become strangely silent; and though there was no wind, +they could hear the gentle rustling of the leaves, the barking of a +dog in the valley, the crackling of a twig under a bird's weight. Up +above, in the clear sky, there was a feeling of some hostile +presence, and a disagreeable little buzzing sound, as <!-- p. 064 -->though there +were some invisible mosquito up among the stars.</p> + +<p>"They're here now," said the doctor.</p> + +<p>The noise increased: a buzzing swarm of giant bees seemed to be +approaching the hill.</p> + +<p>Suddenly there was a long hiss, and a ray of light leaped forth from +the valley and began to search the sky with a sort of superhuman +thoroughness. The women on the lawn ran away to the shelter of the +trees. The short, sharp barking of the guns, the deeper rumble of the +bombs that were beginning to fall on the town, and the earth-shaking +explosions terrified them beyond endurance.</p> + +<p>"I'm going to shut my eyes," said one, "it's easier like that."</p> + +<p>"My God," exclaimed another, "I can't move my legs an inch!"</p> + +<p>"Fear," said the doctor, "shows itself in hereditary reflexes. Man, +when in danger, seeks the pack, and fright makes <!-- p. 065 -->his flesh creep, +because his furred ancestors bristled all over when in combat, in +order to appear enormous and terrible."</p> + +<p>A terrific explosion shook the hill, and flames arose over the town.</p> + +<p>"They're aiming at the station," said the colonel. "Those +searchlights do more harm than good. They simply frame the target and +show it up."</p> + +<p>"When I was at Havre," Aurelle remarked, "a gunner went to ask the +Engineers for some searchlights that were rotting away in some store +or other. 'Quite impossible,' said the engineer; 'they're the war +reserve; we're forbidden to touch them.' He could never be brought to +understand that the war we were carrying on over here was the one +that was specified in his schedule."</p> + +<p>The great panting and throbbing of an aeroplane was coming nearer, +and the whole sky was quivering with the noise of machinery like a +huge factory.</p><!-- p. 066 --> + +<p>"My God," exclaimed the doctor, "we're in for it this time!"</p> + +<p>But the stars twinkled gently on, and above the din they heard the +clear, delicate notes of a bird's song—just as though the throbbing +motors, the whizzing shells and the frightened wailing of the women +were nothing but the harmonies devised by the divine composer of some +military-pastoral symphony to sustain the slender melody of a bird.</p> + +<p>"Listen," whispered Colonel Parker, "listen—a nightingale!"</p><!-- p. 067 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb07" class="chapheader">CHAPTER VII<br> + +LOVE AND THE INFANT DUNDAS</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"... Of which, if thou be a severe sour-complexion'd man, then I +hereby disallow thee to be a competent judge."—<i>The Compleat +Angler.</i></p> + + +<p>The Infant Dundas struck up a rag-time on the sergeant-major's +typewriter, did a juggling turn with the army list, and let forth a +few hunting yells; then, seeing that the interpreter had reached the +required state of exasperation, he said:</p> + +<p>"Aurelle, why should we stay in this camp? Let's go into the town; +I'll get hold of the Intelligence car, and we'll go and see +Germaine."</p> + +<p>Germaine was a pretty, friendly girl who sold novels, chocolates and +electric <!-- p. 068 -->lamps at Abbeville. Dundas, who was not interested in +women, pretended to have a discreet passion for her; in his mind +France was associated with the idea of love-affairs, and he thought +it the right thing to have a girl-friend there, just as he would have +thought it correct to hunt in Ireland, or to ski at St. Moritz.</p> + +<p>But when Germaine, with feigned timidity, directed on him the slowly +dwindling fire of her gaze, Dundas was afraid to put his arm round +her waist; this rosy-cheeked giant, who was a champion boxer and had +been wounded five times, was as bashful and shy as a child.</p> + +<p>"Good morning," he would say with a blush.</p> + +<p>"Good morning," Germaine would answer, adding in a lower voice for +Aurelle's benefit, "Tell him to buy something."</p> + +<p>In vain did Aurelle endeavour to find <!-- p. 069 -->books for the Infant. French +novels bored him; only the elder Dumas and Alphonse Daudet found +favour in his eyes. Dundas would buy his seventeenth electric lamp, +stop a few minutes on the doorstep to play with Germaine's black dog +Dick, and then say good-bye, giving her hand a long squeeze and going +away perfectly happy in the thought that he had done his duty and +gone on the spree in France in the correct manner.</p> + +<p>"A nice boy, your friend—but he is rather shy," she used to say.</p> + +<p>On Sundays she went for walks along the river with an enormous mother +and ungainly sisters, escorted gravely by Dundas. The mess did not +approve of these rustic idylls.</p> + +<p>"I saw him sitting beside her in a field," said Colonel Parker, "and +his horse was tied to a tree. I think it's disgusting."</p> + +<p>"It's shameful," said the padre.</p><!-- p. 070 --> + +<p>"I'll speak to him about it," said the general, "it's a disgrace to +the mess."</p> + +<p>Aurelle tried to speak up for his friend.</p> + +<p>"Maybe," said the doctor, "pleasure is a right in France, but in +England it's a crime. With you, Aurelle, when girls see you taking a +lady-friend out, their opinion of you goes up. In London, on the +other hand——"</p> + +<p>"Do you mean to say, doctor, that the English never flirt?"</p> + +<p>"They flirt more than you do, my boy; that's why they say less about +it. Austerity of doctrine bears a direct proportion to strength of +instinct. You like to discuss these matters, because you think +lightly of them, and in that we Irish resemble you. Our great +writers, such as Bernard Shaw, write thousands of paradoxes about +marriage, because their thoughts are chaste. The English are far more +prudish because their passions are stronger."</p><!-- p. 071 --> + +<p>"What's all this you're saying, doctor?" interrupted the general. "I +seem to be hearing very strange doctrines."</p> + +<p>"We're talking about French morals, sir."</p> + +<p>"Is it true, Messiou," inquired Colonel Parker, "that it is the +custom in France for a man to take his wife and his mistress to the +theatre together to the same box?"</p> + +<p>"You needn't try to convince Aurelle of your virtue, colonel," said +the doctor; "he's been living with you for four years, and he knows +you."</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Meanwhile Dundas continued to go down into Abbeville every day and +meet his friend. The shelling had got very bad, and the inhabitants +began to leave the town. Germaine, however, remained calm. One day a +shell hit the shop next door to hers, and shattered the <!-- p. 072 -->whole of +the whitewashed front of the house, and the plaster crumbling away +revealed a fine wooden building which for the last two centuries +had been concealing its splendid carved beams beneath a wretched +coat of whitewash. So also did Germaine, divested by danger of her +superficial vulgarity, suddenly show her mettle and prove herself +the daughter of a race of soldiers.</p> + +<p>Accordingly Dundas had conceived a warm and respectful friendship for +her. But he went no further until one day when the alarm caught them +together just as he was bidding her good-bye; then only did the +darkness and the pleasant excitement of danger cause him to forget +ceremony and convention for a few minutes.</p> + +<p>Next day Germaine presented the Infant with a fat yellow book; it was +Madame de Staëls <i>Corinne</i>. The rosy-cheeked one looked askance at +the small closely printed pages.</p><!-- p. 073 --> + +<p>"Aurelle," he implored, "be a good chap and tell me what it's all +about—I'm not going to read the damned thing!"</p> + +<p>"It's the story of a young Scotch laird," replied Aurelle, "who wants +to marry a foreign girl against his family's wish."</p> + +<p>"My God!" exclaimed Dundas. "Do you think she expects me to marry +her? My cousin Lord Bamford married a dancer and he's very happy; +he's the gentleman and she has the brains. But in this case it's the +mother—she's a terrible creature!"</p> + +<p>"The Zulus," put in the doctor, who was listening, "have a religious +custom which forbids the bridegroom-elect to see his mother-in-law. +Should he happen but to see her footprints in the sand, he must turn +and flee. Nothing could be wiser; for love implies an absurd and +boundless admiration for the loved one, and her mother, appearing to +the lover <!-- p. 074 -->in the very image of his beloved without the charm and +liveliness of youth, will deter him from that brief spell of folly +which is so necessary for the propagation of the species."</p> + +<p>"Some mothers are charming," argued Aurelle.</p> + +<p>"That's another danger," said the doctor, "for as the mother always +tends to live her daughter's emotional life, there is a constant risk +of her falling in love with her son-in-law."</p> + +<p>"My God!" cried Dundas, horror-struck.</p> + +<p>However, the German airmen set his fears at rest that very evening by +destroying half the town. The statue of Admiral Courbet in the middle +of the square near the bookseller's shop was hit by a bomb. The +admiral continued to point an outstretched finger towards the +station, but the bookseller cleared out. Germaine followed him +regretfully.</p><!-- p. 075 --> + +<p>As she was unable to take her dog Dick—a horrid mongrel, half-poodle +and half-spaniel—Dundas gravely consented to look after him. He +loved dogs with a sentimental warmth which he denied to men. Their +ideas interested him, their philosophy was the same as his, and he +used to talk to them for hours at a time like a nurse to her +children.</p> + +<p>The general and Colonel Parker were not a bit astonished when he +introduced Dick into the mess. They had found fault with him for +falling in love, but they approved of his adopting a dog.</p> + +<p>Dick, an Abbeville guttersnipe, was therefore admitted to the +refinements of the general's table. He remained, however, a rough son +of the people, and barked when Private Brommit appeared with the +meat.</p> + +<p>"Behave yourself, sir," Dundas said to him, genuinely shocked, +"behave yourself. A well-brought-up dog never, <!-- p. 076 -->never does that. A +good dog never barks indoors, never, never, never."</p> + +<p>Germaine's pet was offended and disappeared for three days. The +orderlies reported he had been seen in the country in doubtful +company. At last he returned, cheerful and unkempt, with one ear torn +and one eye bleeding, and asked to be let in by barking merrily.</p> + +<p>"You're a very naughty dog, sir," said Dundas as he nursed him +adroitly, "a very, very bad little dog indeed."</p> + +<p>Whereupon he turned towards the general.</p> + +<p>"I'm very much afraid, sir," he said, "that this fellow Dick is not +quite a gentleman."</p> + +<p>"He's a French dog," replied General Bramble with sorrowful +forbearance.</p><!-- p. 077 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb08" class="chapheader">CHAPTER VIII<br> + +A GREAT CHEF</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"Le roi ordonnait le matin petit souper ou très petit souper; +mais ce dernier était abondant et de trois services sans le +fruit."—<span class="sc">Saint-Simon.</span></p> + + +<p>In the month of February 1918, Aurelle was ordered by the French +mission at British G.H.Q. to report at the <i lang="fr">sous-préfecture</i> at +Abbeville and to hold himself for one day at the disposal of M. +Lucas, who would call for him in due course.</p> + +<p>Aurelle waited for some time for M. Lucas, who eventually appeared +escorted by an English chauffeur. He was a rather stout, clean-shaven +little man, and wore a well-made blue suit and a yachting cap. With +his hands in his pockets, his <!-- p. 078 -->curt speech and the authority of his +demeanour, he looked every inch a man accustomed to command.</p> + +<p>"You are the interpreter from G.H.Q.?" he asked. "Have you a written +order?"</p> + +<p>Aurelle was obliged to admit he had only received an order by +telephone.</p> + +<p>"I can't understand it!" said M. Lucas. "The most necessary +precautions are neglected. Have you at least been told who I am? No? +Well, listen to me, my friend, and kindly hold your tongue for a +minute."</p> + +<p>He went and shut the door of the <i lang="fr">sous-préfet's</i> office, and came +back to the interpreter. "I am——" he began.</p> + +<p>He looked nervously about him, closed a window, and whispered very +softly, "I am His Majesty the King of England's chef."</p> + +<p>"Chef?" Aurelle repeated, not grasping his meaning.</p> + +<p>"His Majesty the King of England's <!-- p. 079 -->chef," the great man deigned to +repeat, smiling kindly at the astonishment the young man showed at +this revelation.</p> + +<p>"You must know, my friend, that to-morrow the President of the +Republic is to be His Majesty's guest in this town. The activity of +the German airmen obliges us to keep the programme secret till the +last moment. However, I have been sent out in advance with Sir +Charles to inspect the British Officers' Club, where the lunch is to +take place. You are to accompany me there."</p> + +<p>So they set off for the former Château de Vauclère, now transformed +by British genius for comfort into an officers' club, Aurelle +escorting the royal cook and the equerry, who was an old English +gentleman with a pink face, white whiskers and grey spats. Above +their heads circled the squadron of aeroplanes which had been ordered +to protect the favoured city.</p><!-- p. 080 --> + +<p>During the drive, M. Lucas condescended to say a few words of +explanation.</p> + +<p>"Our lunch is to be quite informal; the menu very simple—ever since +the beginning of the war His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people—river trout, <i lang="fr">tournedos aux pommes,</i> some +fruit, and cider to drink."</p> + +<p>"But, Monsieur Lucas," interrupted Sir Charles timidly, "you know Her +Majesty prefers to drink milk."</p> + +<p>"The Queen will drink cider like every one else," replied the chef +curtly.</p> + +<p>Sir Charles was charmed with the paved courtyard of the château, the +brick and stone façade with its carved escutcheons, the simple +curves of the dining-room panelling, and the picture over the door, +which he attributed, not without reason, to Nattier.</p> + +<p>"It's very, very small," murmured M. Lucas pensively. "However, as +it's war-time——"</p><!-- p. 081 --> + +<p>Then he inquired about the kitchen. It was a vast and well-lighted +place; the red and white tiles on the polished floor shone brightly +in the sunshine; magnificent but useless copper saucepans hung upon +the walls.</p> + +<p>In front of the oven a cook in a white cap was at work with a few +assistants. Surprised by the noise, he turned round, and, suddenly +recognizing the man in the blue suit, went as white as his cap, and +dropped the pan he was holding in his hand.</p> + +<p>"You?" he exclaimed.</p> + +<p>"Yes, my friend," replied the august visitor quite simply. "What a +surprise to find you here! What a pleasure also," he added kindly. +"Ah, now I feel relieved! An alfresco meal, a strange kitchen like +this, made me very anxious, I must confess. But with such a +lieutenant as you, my dear friend, the battle is already half won."</p><!-- p. 082 --> + +<p>"Yes," he continued, turning towards Aurelle, who was gazing with +emotion upon the encounter and thinking of Napoleon entrusting his +cavalry to Ney on the eve of Waterloo, "it is a curious coincidence +to find Jean Paillard here. At the age of fifteen we made our +<i lang="fr">début</i> together under the great Escoffier. When I was appointed +chef to the Ritz, Paillard took charge of the Carlton; when I took +Westminster, he accepted Norfolk."</p> + +<p>Having thus unconsciously delivered himself of this romantic +couplet—which goes to prove once again that poetry is the ancient +and natural expression of all true feeling—M. Lucas paused for a +moment, and, lowering his gaze, added in an infinitely expressive +undertone:</p> + +<p>"And here I am now with the King. What about you?"</p> + +<p>"I?" replied the other with a touch of shame. "It's only two months +since I was released; till then I was in the trenches."</p><!-- p. 083 --> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed M. Lucas, scandalized. "In the trenches? A chef +like you!"</p> + +<p>"Yes," answered Jean Paillard with dignity. "I was cook at G.H.Q."</p> + +<p>With a shrug of resignation the two artists deplored the waste of +talent for which armed democracies are responsible; and M. Lucas +began in resolute tones to announce his plan of campaign. He had the +curt precision which all great captains possess.</p> + +<p>"Since the war broke out, His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people. Therefore the menu is to be very simple: +<i lang="fr">truite à la Bellevue, tournedos aux pommes</i>, some fruit.—Of course +there will have to be an entrée and some dessert for the Staff. The +drink will be cider."</p> + +<p>"May I remind you, Monsieur Lucas," Sir Charles put in anxiously, +"that Her Majesty prefers to drink milk?"</p><!-- p. 084 --> + +<p>"I have already told you," said the chef, annoyed, "that the Queen +will drink cider like everybody else.... Nevertheless, Paillard, you +will kindly show me the contents of your cellar; there will, of +course, have to be wine for the Staff. The <i lang="fr">tournedos</i>, I need hardly +say, are to be grilled over a charcoal fire, and larded, of course. +As to salad—seasoning, tomatoes and walnuts——"</p> + +<p>As he gave his orders, he illustrated their execution with gestures +of the utmost solemnity, and his hands moved busily amongst imaginary +saucepans.</p> + +<p>"The menu is short," he said, "but it must be perfect. The great cook +is better recognized by the perfection of a piece of beef—or let me +say rather by the seasoning of a salad—than by the richness of his +sweets. One of the finest successes in my career—the one I enjoy +recalling above all others—is that <!-- p. 085 -->of having initiated the English +aristocracy into the mysteries of Camembert. The choice of fruit—now +I come to think of it, Paillard, have you any peaches?"</p> + +<p>"I should think we had!" said the latter, breaking open the lid of a +crate which revealed a number of delicately shaded ripe peaches +glowing in their beds of straw and cotton-wool.</p> + +<p>The chef took one and stroked it gently.</p> + +<p>"Paillard, Paillard," he said sadly, "do you call <i>these</i> peaches? I +can see you have been a soldier, poor fellow. Never mind, I can send +the car to Montreuil."</p> + +<p>He remained a few minutes longer in meditation; then, satisfied at +last, he decided to leave the château. In the street, he took +Aurelle's arm very kindly.</p> + +<p>"My friend," he said, "I think that will do, thank you. And if you +ever have the opportunity of seeing Their <!-- p. 086 -->Majesties, don't let it +slip by. In France, you have very wrong ideas, I assure you; since +the Revolution, you have a prejudice against Royal Families. It is +childish; you can take my word for it. I have been living with this +one for more than five years, and I assure you they are quite +respectable people."</p><!-- p. 087 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb09" class="chapheader">CHAPTER IX<br> + +PRÉLUDE À LA SOIRÉE D'UN GÉNÉRAL</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"... of cabbages and kings."—<span class="sc">Lewis Carroll.</span></p> + + +<p>A blue forage-cap appeared under the flap of the camouflaged tent.</p> + +<p>"Messiou," cried the general, "we were beginning to despair of ever +seeing you again."</p> + +<p>"Yo-ho! Hello—o!" shouted the Infant Dundas. "I <i>am</i> glad! Come and +have some lunch, old man."</p> + +<p>Aurelle, happy to find his friends again, fell to heartily on the +mutton, boiled potatoes and mint sauce. When they reached the cheese, +General Bramble questioned him about his journey.</p><!-- p. 088 --> + +<p>"Well, Messiou, what about your leave? What is Paris looking like +nowadays, and why did your mother the French Mission tell us she was +keeping you two days at Abbeville?"</p> + +<p>Aurelle told then the story of M. Lucas and of the King's visit.</p> + +<p>"What's that, Messiou?" said General Bramble. "You've seen our King? +Does he look well?"</p> + +<p>"Very well indeed, sir."</p> + +<p>"Good old George!" muttered the general tenderly. "Yes, he looked +quite well when he came here. Tell us that story of the cook over +again, Messiou; it's a jolly good story."</p> + +<p>Aurelle complied, and when he had done, he bent over towards Colonel +Parker and asked him why the general spoke of the King like an +affectionate nurse.</p> + +<p>"The King," said the colonel, "is much more to us than you might +imagine. To the general, who is an Etonian, he is <!-- p. 089 -->a kind of +neighbour. To Dundas, he's the colonel of his regiment. To the padre, +he's the head of the Church. To an old Tory like me, he's the living +embodiment of England's traditions and prejudices, and the pledge of +her loyalty to them in the future. As for the paternal tone, that's +because for half a century the King was a Queen. Loyalism became an +attitude of protective chivalry; nothing could have consolidated the +dynasty more firmly. Royalty is beloved not only by the aristocracy +but by all classes. It's a great asset to a people without +imagination like ours to be able to see in one man the embodiment of +the nation."</p> + +<p>"Messiou," interposed the general, "didn't they give you an M.V.O. +for your services?"</p> + +<p>"What is that, sir—a new ribbon?"</p> + +<p>"My God!" exclaimed Dundas, much scandalized. "You've never heard of +the Victorian Order?"</p><!-- p. 090 --> + +<p>"When King Edward played bridge," said the general, "and his partner +left it to him at the right moment, the King used to declare with +great satisfaction, 'No trumps, and you're an M.V.O.!'"</p> + +<p>"The idea that a word from the sovereign's lips or the contact of his +person is sufficient to cure his subjects, is a very ancient and +beautiful one," said the colonel. "Before he started distributing +ribbons, the King used to cure scrofula. That excellent custom, +however, came to an end with William of Orange, who used to say to +the patient while he was operating, 'God give you better health and +more sense!'"</p> + +<p>"The King's taboo has also disappeared," said the doctor.</p> + +<p>"I can assure you," said Aurelle, "that his taboo is still effective. +On the platform before he arrived there were three A.P.M.'s bustling +about and chasing away the few spectators. As the train <!-- p. 091 -->came into +the station one of them ran up to me and said, 'Are you the +interpreter on duty? Well, there's a seedy-looking chap over +there, who seems up to no good. Go and tell him from me that if he +doesn't clear out immediately I'll have him arrested.' I did so. +'Arrest me!' said the man. 'Why, I'm the special <i lang="fr">commissaire de +police</i> entrusted with the King's safety.'"</p> + +<hr> + +<p>"Well, Messiou," inquired the general, "have you brought me back any +new records from Paris for my gramophone?"</p> + +<p>Aurelle unstrapped his kit and proceeded, not without some anxiety, +to unpack "Le Prélude à l'Après-midi d'un Faune."</p> + +<p>"I don't know whether you'll like it, sir; it's modern French music."</p> + +<p>"I'm sure it's very fine, Messiou," said the general confidently. And +in the interest of international courtesy he <!-- p. 092 -->immediately assumed +the beatific expression he usually kept for Caruso.</p> + +<p>After the first few notes, an air of bewilderment appeared upon his +kindly face. He looked at Aurelle, whom he was surprised to find +quite unmoved; at Colonel Parker, who was hard at work; at the +doctor, who was inclining his head and listening devoutly; and, +resigning himself to his fate, he waited for the end of the +acidulated and discordant noises.</p> + +<p>"Well, Messiou," he said when it was over, "it's very nice of you not +to have forgotten us—but——"</p> + +<p>"Yes," put in Colonel Parker, looking up, "but I'm damned if it's +music!"</p> + +<p>"What?" shouted the doctor, scandalized. "A masterpiece like that? +Not music?"</p> + +<p>"Come, come," said the general soothingly, "maybe it wasn't written +for the gramophone. But, doctor, I should like you to explain."</p><!-- p. 093 --> + +<p>"Have you seen the Russian Ballet, sir? The faun, lying on a rock, is +watching for the nymphs and playing in a monotonous key on his flute. +At last they appear, half dressed; he pursues them, but they fly +away, and one of them drops a sash, which is all he gets."</p> + +<p>"This is very interesting," said the general, much excited. "Wind up +the gramophone, Messiou, and give us the disc over again; I want to +see the half-dressed nymphs. Make a sign to me at the right moment."</p> + +<p>Once again the instrument filled the rustic dug-out with the wistful +grace of the Prelude. Aurelle murmured in a low voice:</p> + +<div class="verse" lang="fr"> + <span class="bq">"Ce nymphes, je les veux perpétuer, si clair</span><br> + <span class="i0">Leur incarnat léger qu'il voltige dans l'air</span><br> + <span class="i0">Assoupi de sommeils touffus...."</span> +</div> + +<p>"Bravo, Messiou!" said the general, when the last notes rang out. "I +like it better already than I did the first time. I'm sure I'll get +used to it in the end."</p><!-- p. 094 --> + +<p>"I shan't," said Colonel Parker. "I shall always prefer 'God Save the +King.'"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied the doctor; "but your children will hum 'Pelléas,' +and your grandchildren will say, 'Do you know that old tune that used +to be the rage in grandfather's time?' What you never can get used +to, colonel, is finding yourself in the presence of a somewhat more +complex work of art than the childish productions to which you are +accustomed. Nature is not simple; she takes the theme of a fox-trot +and makes a funeral march out of it; and it is just these +incongruities that are the essence of all poetry. I appeal to you for +an opinion, Aurelle, as a citizen of the country which has produced +Debussy and Mallarmé."</p> + +<p>"Have you ever heard the excellent saying of Renoir, the old French +painter: 'Don't ask <i>me</i>,' he said, 'whether painting <!-- p. 095 -->ought to be +subjective or objective; I confess I don't care a rap.'"</p> + +<p>"Ah, Messiou," sighed the general, "the confounded fellow was quite +right too!"</p><!-- p. 096 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb10" class="chapheader">CHAPTER X<br> + +PRIVATE BROMMIT'S CONVERSION</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"Paris vaut bien une messe."—<span class="sc">Henri IV</span>.</p> + + +<p>Aurelle was wakened every morning by Colonel Parker's orderly, a +tough, thick-set, astute old soldier, who expounded the unwritten +laws of the army for the benefit of the young Frenchman as he +dexterously folded his clothes.</p> + +<p>"You know, sir," he said, "'as 'ow the British Tommy 'as to go to +church in peace-time every blessed Sunday. When the time for p'rade +comes along, the orficer on dooty gives the order to fall in +accordin' to religions, an' the Church of England men, an' the +Presbyterians <!-- p. 097 -->an' the Cath'lics is marched up to their services, +rifles an' all.</p> + +<p>"The orficer takes charge of one of the detachments, an' in the +others the senior N.C.O. for each religion marches at the head. +Wotever dodge you try on, there's no gettin' out of it.</p> + +<p>"When once you've gone an' accepted the King's shillin', it stands to +reason you've got to put up with lots o' things, but Church P'rade's +<i>the</i> very limit. Don't you take me for a 'eathen, sir; I'm much more +of a believer than 'eaps of others. I don't mind singin' 'ymns, an' +when the preacher can talk a bit, I don't objeck to sermons. But what +used to get on my nerves was the cleanin' up Sunday mornin's. You've +only seen us in khaki; you don't know our peace-time church togs. +Some blasted togs they were too, an' no mistake—all glitterin' with +blinkin' red an' gold, an' covered with white beltin'. An' the +inspection <!-- p. 098 -->before you start wasn't no joke, I can tell you. Many's +the weeks' pay I've 'ad stopped, all on account of Sunday mornin's. +I'm a pretty good soldier on active service, sir—why, you seen me at +Loos, didn't you?—but what I can't stick is all them barricks an' +fatigues an' cleanin' ups.</p> + +<p>"F'r a long time I used to say to myself, 'Brommit, my boy, you're a +blasted idiot—I can understand a young rookie with only two or three +years' service not managin' to get out of Church P'rade, but a +soldier of fifteen years' standin' ought to know the tricks of the +trade by this time. If <i>you</i> can't manage to stop quietly in bed on +Sunday mornin's, you ain't worth yer service stripes,' I says.</p> + +<p>"But the more I thought about it the more 'opeless it seemed. Our +colonel was old W. J. Reid—Slippery Bill we used to call 'im, 'cos +'e was as <!-- p. 099 -->slippery as a soapy plank! 'E <i>was</i> an old monkey-face, +an' no mistake.</p> + +<p>"One day I was called up to the orderly-room to sign somethin' or +other, an' I sees a poster on the wall: 'Classification according to +religions'—neat little chart it was: 'Church of England, so +many—Presbyterians, so many—Catholics, so many.' You bet I didn't +pay much attention to the numbers. Wot caught my eye was a column +sayin', 'Wesleyans, None.' An' all of a sudden I saw my game.</p> + +<p>"'Wesleyans, None.' So there wasn't even a bloomin' Wesleyan N.C.O. +to take what Wesleyans there might be to chapel! Probably there +wasn't even one bloomin' Wesleyan minister in the little Irish town +where we was billeted. I saw myself at last stayin' in bed every +blessed Sunday mornin'. At the very worst, if that there little +religion 'ad a chapel, I'd be sent there on my own, and a detachment +<!-- p. 100 -->of one can always be trusted to find its way about. Wesleyan—that +was the winner.</p> + +<p>"Still, I 'ad one anxiety to 'old me back: I didn't for the life of +me know what that there fancy religion might be. I'm not exackly a +pious bloke, but I'm a good Christian, an' I didn't want to make a +damned idiot o' myself. Besides, it would probably be a serious +matter, I thought, to change your religion in the army. P'r'aps I'd +'ave to see old Bill 'imself about it, an' Bill wasn't exactly one of +them fellers you can take in with some 'arf-baked tale.</p> + +<p>"It was no good trying to get to know anythink in barricks. I'd only +'ave attracted notice at an awkward moment. But I knew a girl in the +town as knew people 'oo knowed, so I asked 'er to make inquiries.</p> + +<p>"She gave me an A1 character. An' blowed if I 'adn't been an' found +quite <!-- p. 101 -->a decent religion; it suited me down to the ground. O' course +you know 'oo Wesley was, sir? 'E was a feller as thought that bishops +an' chaplains in 'is time didn't act accordin' to Scripture. 'E +preached the return to poverty an' 'umbleness an' love of one's +neighbour. You bet the Church of England couldn't swallow that! On +the 'ole it was an 'onest kind of religion, an' a decent chap like me +might very well 'ave gone in for it without its appearin' too out o' +the way.</p> + +<p>"Well, when I'd got myself well primed up about old Wesley, I felt as +'ow a little interview with Bill wasn't such a terrible thing after +all. So I goes to see the sergeant-major, and tells 'im I wants to +speak to the colonel.</p> + +<p>"'Wot about?' 'e asks.</p> + +<p>"'Strickly privit,' I says.</p> + +<p>"'E'd 'ave liked to 'ave got my story out o' me then an' there, 'e +would, but <!-- p. 102 -->I knew my only chance was to take Bill off 'is guard, so +I kep' the secret of my plan of attack.</p> + +<p>"'Well, Brommit,' says the old man quite pleasant like, 'have you got +any complaint to make?'</p> + +<p>"'No complaints, sir,' says I; 'everything's O.K. But I've asked +leave to speak to you, 'cos I wanted to tell you, sir, as 'ow I +intend to change my religion.'</p> + +<p>"I saw I'd got old Bill set for once, an' no mistake.</p> + +<p>"'Change your religion?' 'e says. 'Stuff and nonsense! Have you ever +heard of such a thing, sergeant-major? What's your religion at +present?'</p> + +<p>"'Church of England, sir; but I wish to be put down in future as +Wesleyan.'</p> + +<p>"'Well, I'm——! Who on earth put that notion into your head, my man? +Has the padre offended you, or what?'</p> + +<p>"'Oh no, sir, not at all; on the contrary, <!-- p. 103 -->Mr. Morrison's always +been very kind to me. No, it ain't that at all, sir; but I don't +believe in the Church of England no more, that's all.'</p> + +<p>"'You don't believe any more...? What don't you believe? What do +<i>you</i> know about beliefs and dogmas?'</p> + +<p>"'Why, sir, lots o' things,' I says. 'F'r instance, there's the +bishops; I don't 'old with their way of livin', sir.'</p> + +<p>"'By Jove, sergeant-major, do you hear this damned idiot? He doesn't +hold with the bishops' way of living! May I ask, Brommit, where you +have had occasion to observe the ways of bishops?'</p> + +<p>"'Well, sir, Wesley was a splendid fellow ...' An' off I starts to +spit out everythink my girl 'ad managed to get 'old of, without +lettin' 'im put in a word. You bet 'e'd 'ad enough of it after five +minutes. 'E'd 'ave liked to shut me up, but 'e couldn't do that +without grantin' me wot I was askin' for. There was no <!-- p. 104 -->flies on +<i>my</i> conversion, I can tell you; I 'ad real live scruples; I'd +been thinkin' too much. You can't punish a chap becos 'e thinks +too much.</p> + +<p>"The old man knew 'is job as well as I knew mine. 'E saw at once 'e +only 'ad one thing to do.</p> + +<p>"'All right,' 'e said. 'After all, it's your own affair, my man. +Sergeant-major, put him down as a Wesleyan. Brommit, you will come +back to my room on Friday evening, and meanwhile I will arrange +matters with the Wesleyan minister so that you can attend the +services. You know where he lives, of course?'</p> + +<p>"'No, sir, I don't know 'im.'</p> + +<p>"'That's rather strange. Well, never mind, I'll find him. Come back +on Friday, Brommit.'</p> + +<p>"Slippery old Bill! 'E knew a thing or two, 'e did! Next Friday +evenin', when I went up to 'im, 'e says:</p><!-- p. 105 --> + +<p>"'Ah! I've settled everything,' says 'e. 'I've seen the Wesleyan +minister, the Rev. Mr. Short. A charming man, Mr. Short. It's settled +with him that you're to go to chapel on Sunday mornings at nine and +on Sunday evenings at six. Yes, there are two services; Wesleyans are +very strict. Of course if by any chance you miss a service, Mr. Short +is sure to let me know, and I would take the necessary steps. But +there's no need to think of that, is there? A man who takes the +trouble to change his religion at the age of thirty is hardly likely +to miss a service. So that's all right, Brommit.'</p> + +<p>"Oh, damn cute 'e was, was Slippery Bill! Next Sunday off I goes to +the Reverend Short's chapel. Tall, lean chap 'e was, with a real +wicked face. 'E gave us an awful sermon all about 'ow we were to +reform our lives, an' about all the things we was to renounce in this +<!-- p. 106 -->world, an' about the 'orrible fire as was awaitin' us in the next if +we didn't follow 'is advice. After the service Mr. Short comes up to +me an' asks me to stay on after the others. Blowed if 'e didn't keep +me till twelve o'clock jawin' me about the dooties my noo faith +brought me an' about wot I read an' 'oo I talked to. By the time I +got away from 'im I was 'arf stunned; an' I 'ad to go again in the +evenin'!</p> + +<p>"Every blinkin' Sunday the same thing 'appened. I used to spend the +'ole week swearin' and sendin' Short an' Wesley to the 'ottest place +in the world. Once I tried on not goin' to chapel; but the miserable +old 'ound split on me to the colonel, an' I 'ad a week's pay stopped. +Then that there blessed Congregation invented Friday evenin' +lectures; and the converted soldier, sent by kind permission of the +colonel, was the finest ornament they 'ad.</p><!-- p. 107 --> + +<p>"Well, wot put an end to my patience was a month later, when Short +'ad the cheek to jaw me personally about the girl I was walkin' out +with. I went clean mad then, an' was ready for anythink, even for +'avin' it out again with Bill, rather than put up with that maniac's +talk.</p> + +<p>"'Please, sir,' I tells the colonel, 'I'm sorry to trouble you again +with my religion, but this 'ere Wesleyanism don't satisfy me at all. +It ain't a bit wot I'd 'oped for.'</p> + +<p>"I expected to get jolly well strafed, but I didn't. Bill just looked +at me with a smile.</p> + +<p>"'That's all right, Brommit,' 'e said; 'the Government pays me for +looking after the moral health of my men. And may I inquire what +religion is at present enjoying the favour of your approval?'</p> + +<p>"'Well, sir, I don't see none at all. I've made myself a sort o' +religion o' my own—if you'll allow it, of course.'</p><!-- p. 108 --> + +<p>"'I? Why, it's none of <i>my</i> business, Brommit. On the contrary, I +admire the vitality of your mind. You've evidently got beliefs of +your own; that's a very good sign indeed. It's just that they will +not admit the obligation of going to a place of public worship on a +Sunday, that's all. I presume I am taking you correctly?'</p> + +<p>"'Yes, sir, quite correctly.'</p> + +<p>"'What an admirable coincidence, Brommit! For a long time I've been +looking for somebody to scrub the stairs thoroughly on Sundays, while +the men are at church. Sergeant-major, put Brommit down as an +Agnostic—on permanent fatigue for scrubbing the stairs on Sunday +mornings.'"</p><!-- p. 109 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb11" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XI<br> + +JUSTICE</h2> + + +<p>The D.M.S. had sent round a note to all A.D.M.S.'s reminding them +that all officers and men were to be inoculated against typhoid +fever. So the A.D.M.S. of the Scottish Division ordered the different +units to send in a nominal roll of all those who had not been +inoculated. Most of the negligent confessed their sin; many of them +were believers, and those who were not, respected the customs of +their times and piously submitted to the ceremony.</p> + +<p>Only the 113th Battery, R.F.A., sent in the following roll:</p> + +<table summary="inoculation report" id="i-report"> +<tr><th>Names.</th><th>Condition.</th><th>Reason given for exemption.</th></tr> +<tr><td>Capt. Cockell<br> +Lieut. Little<br> +Lieut. M'Cracken</td><td> +Not yet inoculated.<br> +Refuse inoculation.</td><td> +Do not believe in the efficacy of the operation.</td></tr> +</table><!-- p. 110 --> + +<p>The A.D.M.S. in high dudgeon complained to the Staff and requested +the temporal powers to deliver the heretics over to the lancet. The +temporal powers, while paying due reverence to medical infallibility, +requested the A.D.M.S. to attempt a conversion.</p> + +<p>The 113th Battery was famous for its courage and its daring deeds. +Dr. O'Grady was entrusted with the mission of visiting Captain +Cockell and bringing that erring soul back to the fold.</p> + +<p>The gunners gave the doctor a warm welcome. Their dug-out was +comfortable, their arm-chairs, made by the men out of the branches of +fir-trees, were luxuriously low and deep. O'Grady dropped into one, +and looked about him anxiously.</p> + +<p>"It is a remarkable fact," he said, "that thirst and hunger should +make themselves felt by sensations in the mouth and stomach only, +and not in the rest of the body. At this very moment, when <!-- p. 111 -->all my +organs are quite dry for lack of decent whisky, I am only warned +by the mucous membrane in my mouth——"</p> + +<p>"Orderly! The whisky! Quick!" shouted Captain Cockell.</p> + +<p>Whereupon the doctor, his mind set at rest, was able to explain the +object of his mission.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," answered Captain Cockell, "there is nothing I would not do +for you. But I consider anti-typhoid inoculation, next to poison-gas, +to be the most dangerous practice in this war."</p> + +<p>The doctor, who was a skilful reader of character, saw at once that +only liberal doctrines would help him to success.</p> + +<p>"Oh," he exclaimed genially, "you needn't think I share the usual +medical superstitions. But I do believe that inoculation has +practically done away with deaths caused by typhoid. Statistics +show——"</p> + +<p>"Doctor, you know as well as I do <!-- p. 112 -->that statistics may be made to say +anything one likes. There are fewer cases of typhoid in this war than +in former wars simply because the general sanitary conditions are +much better. Besides, when a fellow who has been inoculated is silly +enough to be ill—and that <i>has</i> been known to occur—you simply say, +'It isn't typhoid—it's para-typhoid.'"</p> + +<p>"Which is perfectly true," said the doctor; "the pseudo-bacillus——"</p> + +<p>"Oh, that stunt about the pseudo-bacillus! Next time you're wounded, +doctor, I'll say it was by a pseudo-shell!"</p> + +<p>"Very well, very well," said the doctor, somewhat nettled. "I'll just +wait till next time you're ill. Then we'll see whether you despise +doctors or not."</p> + +<p>"That's a poor argument, doctor, very poor indeed. I'm quite ready to +acknowledge that a sick man is in need of moral support and requires +the illusion <!-- p. 113 -->of a remedy, just like a woman in love. Therefore +doctors are necessary, just like thought-readers. I simply submit it +should be recognized that both professions are of a similar order."</p> + +<p>The energetic Cockell had inspired his two young lieutenants with +respectful admiration. They remained as firm as he in their refusal; +and after an excellent lunch Dr. O'Grady returned to H.Q. and +informed his chief of the cynicism of the 113th Battery and the +obstinacy of the heretical sect in those parts.</p> + +<p>The A.D.M.S. sent the names of the three officers up to H.Q., and +demanded the general's authority to put a stop to this scandal; and +Colonel Parker promised to let the Corps know of the matter.</p> + +<hr> + +<p>Some time before this, the French Government had placed at +the disposal of the British authorities a certain <!-- p. 114 -->number of +"Legion of Honour" decorations—to wit, two Grand Officer's +badges, twelve Commander's cravats, twenty-four Officer's +rosettes, and a considerable number of Knight's crosses.</p> + +<p>The two Governments were in the habit of exchanging armfuls of +ribbons at regular intervals in this way, and the apportioning of +these trifles created a useful occupation for the numerous members of +all staffs and their still more numerous clerks.</p> + +<p>The distribution was performed according to wisely appointed rules. +Of each batch of decorations G.H.Q. took one half for its own +members, and passed on the other half to the Army Staffs. The Army +Staffs kept half of what they received, and passed on the remainder +to the Corps Staffs. The same method was applied right down to the +Battalion Staffs, and it will readily be observed (with the help of +an elementary arithmetical <!-- p. 115 -->calculation) that the likelihood of the +men in the line ever receiving a foreign decoration was practically +nonexistent.</p> + +<p>The Scottish Division received as its share on this occasion three +crosses. Colonel Parker and the other demi-gods of the divisional +Olympus being already provided for, these were allotted to +dignitaries of minor importance. It was decided that one should be +given to Dr. O'Grady, who had done great service to the French +population (he had assisted a Belgian refugee in childbirth and she +had survived his ministrations). The second was marked down for the +D.A.D.O.S., and the third for the A.D.V.S., a genial fellow +who was very popular in the mess.</p> + +<p>The names of the three lucky men were handed by a Staff officer to an +intelligent clerk with orders to draw up immediately a set of nominal +rolls for the Corps.</p><!-- p. 116 --> + +<p>Unfortunately the clerk happened to be the very same man to whom +Colonel Parker had given the list of the three heretics of the 113th +Battery the day before. But who can blame him for having confused two +groups of three names? And who can blame the officer on duty for +having signed two nominal rolls without reading them?</p> + +<p>A month later, the Division was surprised to hear that Captain +Cockell and Lieutenants Little and M'Cracken had been made Knights of +the Legion of Honour. As they really deserved it, the choice caused +considerable astonishment and general rejoicing; and the three +warriors, happy to see three decorations reach them intact after +having passed through so many covetous hands, were loud in praise of +their superior officers' discrimination.</p><!-- p. 117 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb12" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XII<br> + +VARIATIONS</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"I have no illusions left but the Archbishop of +Canterbury."—<span class="sc">Sydney Smith.</span></p> + + +<p>"When I was attached to a field ambulance," said the doctor, "we had +three padres with us in the mess."</p> + +<p>"That was rather a large order," said the Rev. Mr. Jeffries.</p> + +<p>"It <i>was</i> a large order," agreed the doctor, "but one of them anyway +was quite harmless. The R.C. padre spoke very little, ate an +enormous amount, and listened with infinite contempt to the +discussions of his colleagues.</p> + +<p>"I don't want to hurt your feelings, padre, but Catholicism is <i>the</i> +only religion. <!-- p. 118 -->A faith is only justified if it carries conviction. +What's the use of a creed or a dogma which is as transient as a +philosophy? Being condemned by my profession to study beings whose +moral balance is unstable, I am in a position to assert that the +Roman Church has a complete understanding of human nature. As a +psychologist and a doctor, I admire the uncompromising attitude of +the Councils. So much weakness and stupidity requires the firm +support of an authority without the slightest tolerance. The curative +value of a doctrine lies not in its logical truth, but in its +permanency."</p> + +<p>"It is quite true," said Colonel Parker, "that nothing short of the +rigid dictates of Catholicism could have prevented the Irish from +going completely mad. But don't judge every one from your own case, +O'Grady; the Saxons possess a solid, Protestant intelligence."</p><!-- p. 119 --> + +<p>"Well," the doctor continued, "our other two padres spent their +evenings trying to swallow each other up. One of them was Church of +England and the other Presbyterian; and they employed the most modern +commercial methods in their competition. Church of England found an +old gipsy cart which he set up at Dickebusch and from which he sold +chocolate to the Jocks; whereupon Church of Scotland installed a +telescope at Kruystraete to show them the stars. If the one formed a +cigar-trust, the other made a corner in cigarettes. If one of them +introduced a magic lantern, the other chartered a cinema. But the +permanent threat to the peace of the mess was undoubtedly the Baptist +question.</p> + +<p>"As we had no Baptist padre, the unfortunate soldiers of that +persuasion (of whom there were seven in the Division) could attend no +service. The astonishing <!-- p. 120 -->thing was that they never seemed to realize +the extent of their misfortune.</p> + +<p>"On one point at any rate our two padres agreed: men could not be +left, in the dangerous zone in which we were then living, without the +consolations of religion. But both Church of England and Church of +Scotland each claimed the right to annex this tiny neutral +congregation.</p> + +<p>"'Excuse me,' said Church of Scotland; 'the Baptist, it is true, only +performs the immersion ceremony when the adult's faith is confirmed, +but on all other points he resembles the Presbyterian. His Church is +a democratic one and is opposed to episcopacy, like ours.'</p> + +<p>"'Pardon me,' said Church of England; 'the Baptist, in demanding a +return to the primitive form of the Sacrament, proves himself to be +the most conservative of all British Christians. Now every +one—including yourself—admits that the Church of England is the +most conservative <!-- p. 121 -->of all the Reformed Churches. Besides——'</p> + +<p>"For hours at a time they used to go on like this, and the futile +discussion became even more annoying as I got to know the different +arguments as well as either of them.</p> + +<p>"One day I was sent up to the ambulance's advance post at Maple +Copse—you know, that little wood in front of Ypres."</p> + +<p>"Unhealthy spot that," said the general.</p> + +<p>"So unhealthy, sir, that while I was there a whizz-bang hit my +dug-out and blew my sergeant into small pieces, which remained +hanging on the branches of the trees. It was a pity, for he was the +best forward in the brigade football team. I put all I could find of +him into a cloth, announced the burial for the next day, and then, as +it was my turn to be relieved, I went back to the ambulance +headquarters.</p><!-- p. 122 --> + +<p>"My return was distinctly lively. On leaving the splendid trench +which is called Zillebeke Road, I was silly enough to cross the +exposed ground near the railway embankment. A machine gun thought it +rather amusing to have a pot at me from Hill 60——"</p> + +<p>"All right, doctor," said General Bramble, "spare us the details."</p> + +<p>"Well, just as I left Ypres, I came across a Ford car which took me +back to camp. In the mess I found Church of England and Church of +Scotland arguing away as usual, while Roman Church was reading his +breviary in a corner.</p> + +<p>"'Satan, whence comest thou?' one of them asked me.</p> + +<p>"'Well, gentlemen,' I replied, 'you ought to be glad to see me, +because I really am back from hell this time.'</p> + +<p>"And I told them my adventures, putting in a lot of local colour +about <!-- p. 123 -->cannonades, explosions, whistling bullets and hailstorm +barrages, in a style worthy of our best war correspondents."</p> + +<p>"You old humbug!" grunted the colonel.</p> + +<p>"'By the way,' I concluded, 'I've got a job for one of you! +Freshwater, my sergeant, has been blown to bits, and what I could +collect of him is to be buried to-morrow morning. I'll give you the +route—Messines gate, Zillebeke——'</p> + +<p>"I saw the two padres' faces fall swiftly.</p> + +<p>"'What religion?' they both asked simultaneously.</p> + +<p>"'Baptist,' I replied carelessly. 'Have a cigarette, padre?'</p> + +<p>"The two enemies gazed attentively at the ceiling; Roman Church kept +his nose in his breviary and his ears well pricked up.</p> + +<p>"'Well,' said Church of England at length, 'I wouldn't mind going up +to <!-- p. 124 -->Zillebeke. I've been in worse places to bury a man of my own +Church. But for a Baptist it strikes me, O'Grady——'</p> + +<p>"'Excuse me,' interrupted Church of Scotland. 'Baptism is the most +conservative form of British Christianity, and the Anglican Church +itself boasts——'</p> + +<p>"'I dare say, I dare say,' said the other, 'but is not the Baptist +Church a democratic one, like the Presbyterian?'</p> + +<p>"They might have gone on in this strain till the poor beggar was in +his grave, had not Roman Church suddenly interrupted in a mild voice, +without taking his nose out of his little book:</p> + +<p>"'I'll go, if you like.'</p> + +<p>"Hatred of Popery is the beginning of union, and they both went up +the line together."</p><!-- p. 125 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb13" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XIII<br> + +THE CURE</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"Le <i>Schein</i> et le <i>Wesen</i> sont, pour l'esprit allemand, une seule +et même chose."—<span class="sc">Jacques Rivière.</span></p> + + +<p>"The only decent whisky," said the doctor, "is Irish whisky." +Whereupon he helped himself to a generous allowance of Scotch +whisky, and as they had just been talking about Ludendorff's coming +offensive, he began to discourse upon the Germans.</p> + +<p>"One of the most astounding things about German psychology," he said, +"is their passion for suggesting the appearance of results which they +know they are powerless to attain. A German general who is not in a +position to undertake a real offensive deludes himself into believing +<!-- p. 126 -->that he will strike terror into his opponent by describing an absurd +and appalling attack in his reports; and a Solingen cutler, if he +cannot manufacture really sharp blades at the required price, will +endeavour to invoke a sort of metaphysical blade which can give its +owner the illusion of a useful instrument.</p> + +<p>"When once this trait of the national character is properly +understood, all the German shoddy which is so much talked about seems +no longer the swindling practice of dishonest tradesmen, but is +simply the material expression of their ingrained Kantianism, and +their congenital inability to distinguish Appearance from Reality.</p> + +<p>"At the sanatorium at Wiesdorf, where I was working when the war +broke out, this method was practised with quite unusual rigour.</p> + +<p>"Doctor Professor Baron von Göteburg was a second-rate scientist, +and he knew <!-- p. 127 -->it. He had made a lifelong study of the expression, +clothes and manners which would most successfully impress his clients +with the idea that he was the great physician he knew he could never +be.</p> + +<p>"After innumerable careful experiments, which do him the greatest +credit, he had decided on a pointed beard, a military expression, a +frock coat and a baron's title.</p> + +<p>"Everything in his admirable establishment bore the impress of the +kind of scientific precision which is the most striking hall-mark of +ignorance. The Wiesdorf sanatorium extracted from the human carcase +the maximum amount of formulæ, scientific jargon and professional +fees which it could possibly yield. The patients felt themselves +surrounded by a pleasant and luxurious apparatus of diagnoses, +figures and diagrams.</p> + +<p>"Each patient had a suite of rooms furnished, in spite of a rather +obvious <!-- p. 128 -->Munich atmosphere, with a sense of real comfort and order. +Each floor was under the supervision of a doctor, a lean, athletic +Swedish <i lang="fr">masseur</i> and a qualified nurse in a white apron. The nurses +were nearly all daughters of the nobility, whose happiness had been +sacrificed to the extravagance of their brothers, who were generally +captains in the Guards. The one attached to the floor I was in charge +of was a French Alsatian with an innocent, obstinate face, whom the +Germans called 'Schwester Therese,' and who asked me to call her +'Sœur Thérèse.'</p> + +<p>"The place was only opened in the spring of 1914, and from the very +first season its success had testified to the excellence of the +system. Photographs were published in all the fashionable papers, and +wealthy clients rushed in with alarming and automatic rapidity.</p> + +<p>"On my floor I had an old American, one James P. Griffith, an English +lady, <!-- p. 129 -->the Duchess of Broadfield, and a Russian, Princess Uriassof. +None of these three patients displayed symptoms of any illness +whatsoever; they just complained of depression—nothing could amuse +them—and of an appetite which no dish could tempt. When the American +arrived, I considered it my duty to inform the professor of the +excellent health in which I found him.</p> + +<p>"'O'Grady,' he said, staring hard at me with his brilliant, +commanding eyes, 'kindly give yourself less trouble. Your patient is +suffering from congestion of the purse, and I think we shall be able +to give him some relief.'</p> + +<p>"The Duchess of Broadfield longed to put on flesh, and wept all day +long. 'Madam,' Sister Therese said to her, 'if you want to get +stouter, you ought to try and enjoy yourself.' That caused a nice +scene! I was obliged to explain to the nurse that the Duchess was on +no <!-- p. 130 -->account to be spoken to before eleven in the morning, and that it +was improper to address her without calling her 'Your Grace!'</p> + +<p>"As to Princess Uriassof, she had been preceded by a courier, who had +burst into indignant exclamations at the sight of the Munich +furniture and had demanded genuine antiques. The professor smiled, +and summoned a furniture dealer and his cashier. Followed the +princess with twenty-three boxes and six servants. She was enormously +stout, cried the whole day long, and yearned to reduce her figure.</p> + +<p>"When the lift that was to take her down to the bathroom was not in +front of her door at the very second when she left her room, she used +to stamp her foot in anger, pull her maid's hair and shout:</p> + +<p>"'What? <i>I</i> have to wait; <i>I</i>, Princess Uriassof?'</p> + +<p>"That was the kind of patient we <!-- p. 131 -->had. Only once there came to my +floor a young fellow from the Argentine who really had something +wrong with his liver. I said to him, 'You are not well; you would do +better to go and see a doctor.'</p> + +<p>"Towards the 24th of July the newspapers seemed to cause the noble +clients of Wiesdorf sanatorium considerable anxiety. The note to +Servia, the letters they received from their homes, the clatter of +arms which was beginning to be heard throughout Europe, all began to +point to a vague danger which could not, of course, affect their +sacred persons, but might possibly hinder them from peacefully +cultivating the sufferings which were so dear to them.</p> + +<p>"The Duchess of Broadfield telegraphed to her nephew at the Foreign +Office and got no answer. Princess Uriassof began to hold mysterious +confabulations with her courier.</p><!-- p. 132 --> + +<p>"The German doctors soon restored every one's confidence; '<i lang="de">Unser +Friedens-Kaiser</i> ... our peace-loving Emperor ... he is cruising on +his yacht ... he has not the slightest thought of war.'</p> + +<p>"The barometers of refreshment vendors are always at 'set-fair,' and +Professor von Göteburg temporized with such authority and diplomacy +that he managed to keep his international <i lang="fr">clientèle</i> for another +six days.</p> + +<p>"However, the peace-loving Emperor returned only to send threatening +telegrams, and on the 27th the danger became evident even to our +guests' bird-like intellects.</p> + +<p>"Princess Uriassof announced her departure, and sent her courier to +the bank to cash an enormous cheque. He came back with the message +that the bank no longer cashed foreign cheques; whereupon he +disappeared, and was never heard of again. The Princess was beside +<!-- p. 133 -->herself with rage, and cried that she would have him knouted. She +summoned her German valet, but he was busy buckling on his +<i lang="de">Feldwebel</i> uniform. She ordered her French chauffeur to be ready to +start instantly; I went down to the garage with the message myself so +as to get away from her, and discovered that the fellow was a +reservist from Saint-Mihiel, and had left with Her Highness' car to +join his regiment.</p> + +<p>"That morning for the first time, the Duchess and the Princess +condescended to notice the presence of James P. He had a magnificent +100 H.P. American car, and represented their only hope of getting +across the frontier. But James P. had no more petrol, and the Germans +refused to supply him with any, because his car had already been +earmarked for General von Schmack's Staff.</p> + +<p>"The same evening these first three victims of the war sat and +childishly <!-- p. 134 -->discussed the situation in an untidy room on a bed which +nobody came to make. Their telegrams were no longer forwarded, their +money was worthless, and the German servants in the sanatorium +treated them more as prisoners than as patients. It seemed as though +their fortune and their greatness had suddenly abandoned them at the +first breath of war, like a slender veil torn by the wind from a +woman's shoulders.</p> + +<p>"James P. went to interview Dr. von Göteburg, who answered him with +ironical politeness, and depicted the pitiable plight of a Germany +surrounded and attacked by a world of enemies. If, however, they were +willing to leave him the princess's pearl necklace as security, he +would consent to lend them the few marks they needed to cross the +frontier.</p> + +<p>"Towards midnight I entered the room where this Twilight of the Gods +was drawing to an end, and saw an astounding <!-- p. 135 -->spectacle. The Duchess +of Broadfield and Princess Uriassof were attempting to pack their own +trunks. Their lack of experience was only too conspicuous. In every +corner there lay hats which had been crushed by their clumsy +attempts; the badly folded dresses swelled awkwardly and refused with +disgraceful obstinacy to allow the Princess to lock her trunks. +Vanquished at last by the stress of events against which she was +contending for the first time in her life, she sat down on a +portmanteau and burst into tears. The Duchess, who came of a less +fatalistic race, was still struggling, aided by James P., with two +rebellious valises.</p> + +<p>"I went and called Sister Therese, and with her made ready for their +departure. Hoping that England would declare war, I informed the +professor of my intention to accompany my patients.</p> + +<p>"The little Alsatian girl went and <!-- p. 136 -->asked the German servants to +carry the luggage to the station for the last civilian train, which +was to leave at six in the morning.</p> + +<p>"I don't mind carrying anything for you, <i lang="de">Schwester</i>," said the hall +porter, "but I won't do a thing for those dogs of Russians and +English."</p> + +<p>"The Sister came back and said timidly, 'If the doctor and Your Grace +don't mind helping me, we might perhaps take at least some of these +things together.'</p> + +<p>"So Wiesdorf station beheld the extraordinary sight of the Duchess +pulling an enormous portmanteau and perspiring freely, and behind her +Princess Uriassof, James P., and myself, each pushing a wheelbarrow. +The station was already thronged with soldiers in <i lang="de">Feldgrau</i>. We were +ravenously hungry. I asked the young Alsatian girl to accompany me to +the refreshment-room, and she was able, <!-- p. 137 -->thanks to her nurse's +bonnet, to obtain two pieces of extremely dry bread from the military +canteen.</p> + +<p>"I found my patients ensconced in a fourth-class carriage. Their eyes +were shut, they were leaning against the duty wooden back of the +seat, and on their faces was a smile of indescribable bliss.</p> + +<p>"The Princess greedily seized the piece of bread I handed her, took +an enormous bite out of it, and said to the Duchess:</p> + +<p>"'What nice bread!'</p> + +<p>"'What nice seats!' replied Her Grace, leaning voluptuously against +the hard, greasy boards."</p><!-- p. 138 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb14" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XIV<br> + +THE BEGINNING OF THE END</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"All the way talking of Russia, which, he says, is a +sad place."—<span class="sc">Pepys</span> (Sept. 16th, 1664).</p> + + +<p>For three days our soldiers had been advancing over the devastated +plain of the Somme. The crests of the innumerable shell-holes gave +the country the appearance of a sort of frozen angry sea. The +victors were advancing light-heartedly, as though preceded by +invisible drums.</p> + +<p>It was just at the time when the German army was swaying and +tottering like a spent boxer awaiting the inevitable knock-out.</p> + +<p>The Division had suffered heavily. All along the roads they had seen +for the <!-- p. 139 -->second time the sinister spectacle of villagers in flight +and furniture-laden carts drawn by bowed women.</p> + +<p>General Bramble had looked at the map with painful astonishment. He +had been ordered to resist at all costs along the trenches on the +green line; but when he reached the green line he had found no +trenches; the Chinamen who were to dig them were still at sea +somewhere near Suez.</p> + +<p>Then, in a corner of a ruined village, they had come across a green +felt hat and a fearsome moustache, which turned out reassuringly to +belong to a rocking, tottering old man; and the Tommies—who are a +primitive and adventurous race—were glad of the protection of this +wild old totem of the Frankish tribe.</p> + +<p>Then came motor-lorries to take the whole Division to the North, +and through all the bustle and disorder they were conscious of +a giant hand trying with <!-- p. 140 -->prudent and skilful movements to +rebuild the line.</p> + +<p>"What can a general do?" the doctor had asked. "This war is too vast +to be affected by human volition. Victory will come through tiny, +decisive forces that have been at work since the beginning of the +world. Tolstoy's Kutusoff used to go to sleep in Council—yet he beat +Napoleon."</p> + +<p>"However vast the scale of circumstance may be," said the colonel, "a +man can change everything. A child cannot push a railway engine; yet +he can start it if he opens the right throttle. A man has only to +apply his will at the right place, and he will be master of the +world. Your determinism is nothing more than a paradox. You build a +cage round yourself and then are astonished you are a prisoner."</p> + +<p>They were going forward rapidly. Aurelle, mounted on his old white +Arab, <!-- p. 141 -->trotted between the doctor and Colonel Parker.</p> + +<p>"Don't hold your horse in so tightly, Messiou; give him the rein."</p> + +<p>"But the road's full of holes, sir."</p> + +<p>"My dear chap, when a man is on a horse, the horse is always the more +intelligent of the pair."</p> + +<p>He slackened his mare's rein to pass by a huge shell-hole, and began +to talk of the peace that was at hand.</p> + +<p>"The most difficult thing of all," he said, "will be to preserve in +our victory the virtues that won it for us. Germany and Russia will +do their best to corrupt us. A dishonoured nation always tries to +bury its shame under the ruins of the victor's civilization. It's the +device of Samson; it's as old as history itself. Rome, surrounded by +vanquished and humbled nations, witnessed the lightning speed of +Judaic preaching, which was so much like the Bolshevism of our day. +<!-- p. 142 -->The Russian ghettos of our capitals had their counterpart then in +the Syrian dens that swarmed in the large ports; that is where the +apostles of mystical communism preached most successfully. And +Juvenal and Tacitus, who were gentlemen, had good reason to detest +those anarchists, who condemned Roman civilization with the fanatical +fury of a Trotsky."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the doctor, "the danger of these prolonged wars is that +they end by making the most unusual habits generally acceptable. They +require courage; and courage is a dangerous virtue, the mother of +revolutions. And it is not easy to accustom a nation of warriors to +render due obedience once more to second-rate politicians and +profiteers. The oligarchy of <i lang="fr">parvenus</i> which arose after the Punic +wars could not be respected as the Roman senate had been. They +possessed neither its hardihood nor its heroic parsimony. Bent only +on beautiful slaves, <!-- p. 143 -->perfumes and luxuries, they sacrificed their +nascent influence to their passion for pleasure. They did not last +long."</p> + +<p>"It is quite certain," the colonel continued, "that in order to +survive, an aristocracy must be hard upon itself. Moral discipline is +indispensable to any class that wants to govern. If the industrial +middle class is to take our place, it will have to be austere and +hard. What sealed once and for all the doom of the Roman Senators was +the decadent Greek culture of their sons. Those young noblemen +affected an elegant dilettantism and toyed pleasantly with cultured +demagogy. Cæsar in his youth, Aurelle, was rather like one of your +comfortable cultured French middle-class Socialists. His lifelong +dream was to lead a moderate reform party, but he was embittered by +the attacks of the Roman patricians. He is a type against whom our +Public Schools protect us pretty well. We also <!-- p. 144 -->have our decadent +young lords, but the contempt of their own generation keeps them from +doing much harm."</p> + +<p>He stopped in order to salute a magpie—for he was very +superstitious—pointed with his cane to a tank that lay buried on its +back in the sand like a defeated tortoise, and went on:</p> + +<p>"Do you think you will have a revolution in France after the war? If +you do, I shall be very much surprised. Up till now the remembrance +of 1793 has kept us looking with apprehension towards France as the +danger-spot of Europe. To-day we realize our mistake.</p> + +<p>"1793 made your country more conservative than any other, by giving +your peasants the possession of the soil. It will probably be seen +some years hence that the Russian Revolution has also had the same +effect. The revolution will end when the Red armies return to Moscow +and some unemployed Bonapartsky has <!-- p. 145 -->the Soviets dispersed by his +grenadiers. Then the <i>moujiks</i> who have acquired the national +property will form the first layer of a respectable liberal bourgeois +republic."</p> + +<p>"Unless," said Aurelle, "Bonapartsky, having tasted the sweets of +victory, sets out to conquer Europe with the help of his trusty +grenadiers. Between the Terror and 'the respectable republic' there +were twenty years of war, sir."</p> + +<p>"The most terrible of all revolutions," began the doctor, "will be +the English one. In France the intellectual is popular; the tribune +of the people is a bearded professor with the kindest of hearts. In +England the people's commissary will be a hard, clean-shaven, silent, +cruel man."</p> + +<p>"That may be," said the colonel; "but he will find more silent and +still harder men up against him. If you think we are going to lie +down and submit <!-- p. 146 -->like the fatalist nobles of Petrograd, you are +mistaken."</p> + +<p>"You, sir? And why the devil should <i>you</i> defend business men and +profiteers whom you are never tired of sending to perdition?"</p> + +<p>"I shall not be defending profiteers, but a form of society which I +hold to be necessary. The institutions which our ancestors have +adopted after six thousand years' experience are worth ten times more +than the systems of foolish and boastful hotheads. I stand always for +what is."</p> + +<p>With a sweeping gesture the doctor pointed to the twisted, rusty +wire, the shattered walls, the mangled trees and the dense harvest of +wooden crosses that rose from the barren soil.</p> + +<p>"Allow me," he said, "to express the heartfelt admiration I feel +for this venerable civilization of yours, and let me contemplate the +fruits of these wise <!-- p. 147 -->institutions which six thousand years have +consecrated for you. Six thousand years of war, six thousand years of +murder, six thousand years of misery, six thousand years of +prostitution; one half of mankind busy asphyxiating the other half; +famine in Europe, slavery in Asia, women sold in the streets of Paris +or London like matches or boot-laces—there is the glorious +achievement of our ancestors. It is well worth dying to defend, I +must confess!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, doctor," replied Aurelle; "but there are two sides to the +question: six thousand years of reform, six thousand years of revolt, +six thousand years of science, six thousand years of philosophy——"</p> + +<p>"Now don't you run away with the idea that I'm a revolutionary. As +far as I am concerned, the movements of men interest me no more than +those of the spiders or the dogs I am so fond of <!-- p. 148 -->observing. I know +that all the speeches in the world will not prevent men from being +jealous monkeys always greedy for food, females and bright stones. It +is true that they know how to deck out their desires with a somewhat +brilliant and delusive ideology, but it is easy for an expert to +recognize the instinct beneath the thought. Every doctrine is an +autobiography. Every philosophy demands a diagnosis. Tell me the +state of your digestion, and I shall tell you the state of your +mind."</p> + +<p>"Oh, doctor, if that is so, life is not worth living."</p> + +<p>"That, my boy, depends entirely upon the liver, as they say."</p> + +<p>Young Dundas, who had just reined up level with them, interposed:</p> + +<p>"My God, my God," he said, "how you chaps do love talking! Why, I +once had a discussion myself at Oxford with one of those johnnies in +a bowler <!-- p. 149 -->hat and ready-made tie who go round and make speeches in +public squares on Saturday afternoons. I had stopped to listen to him +on my way back from a bathe. He was cursing the aristocracy, the +universities, and the world in general. Well, after about five +minutes' talking, I went right up to him and said, 'Off with your +coat, my friend; let's go into the matter thoroughly.'"</p> + +<p>"And did you convince him, Dundas?"</p> + +<p>"It wasn't very difficult, Messiou, because, honestly, I could use +my left better than he could."</p><!-- p. 150 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb15" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XV<br> + +DANSE MACABRE</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"Magical dancing still goes on in Europe to-day."—<span class="sc">Sir James +Fraser.</span></p> + + +<p>"Doctor," said General Bramble, "this morning I received from London +two new fox-trots for my gramophone."</p> + +<p>Ever since the Armistice sent the Scottish Division into rest on the +Norman coast, the Infant Dundas had been running a course of +dancing-lessons at the mess, which were patronized by the most +distinguished "red-hats."</p> + +<p>Aurelle emerged from behind an unfolded copy of the <i>Times</i>.</p> + +<p>"Things look very rotten," he said. "The Germans are taking heart +again; <!-- p. 151 -->you are demobbing; the Americans are sailing away; and soon +only we and the Italians will be left alone to face the European +chaos——"</p> + +<p>"Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "take off your coat and come and +learn the one-step—that'll be a jolly sight better than sitting +moping there all the evening."</p> + +<p>"You know I don't dance, sir."</p> + +<p>"You're very silly," said Parker. "A man who doesn't dance is an +enemy of mankind. The dancer, like the bridge-player, cannot exist +without a partner, so he can't help being sociable. But you—why, a +book is all the company you want. You're a bad citizen."</p> + +<p>The doctor emptied his glass of brandy at one gulp, removed his coat, +and joined the colonel in his attack upon the young Frenchman.</p> + +<p>"A distinguished Irish naturalist, Mr. James Stephens," he said, "has +noticed that love of dancing varies according to <!-- p. 152 -->innocence of +heart. Thus children, lambs and dogs like dancing. Policemen, lawyers +and fish dance very little because they are hard-hearted. Worms and +Members of Parliament, who, besides their remarkable all-round +culture, have many points in common, dance but rarely owing to the +thickness of the atmosphere in which they live. Frogs and high hills, +if we are to believe the Bible——"</p> + +<p>"Doctor," interrupted the general, "I put you in charge of the +gramophone; top speed, please."</p> + +<p>The orderlies pushed the table into a corner, and the aide-de-camp, +holding his general in a close embrace, piloted him respectfully but +rhythmically round the room.</p> + +<p>"One, two ... one, two. It's a simple walk, sir, but a sort of glide. +Your feet mustn't leave the ground."</p> + +<p>"Why not?" asked the general.</p> + +<p>"It's the rule. Now twinkle."</p><!-- p. 153 --> + +<p>"Twinkle? What's that?" asked the general.</p> + +<p>"It's a sort of hesitation, sir; you put out your left foot, then you +bring it sharply back against the right, and start again with the +right foot. Left, back again, and quickly right. Splendid, sir."</p> + +<p>The general, who was a man of precision, asked how many steps he was +to count before twinkling again. The rosy-cheeked one explained that +it didn't matter, you could change steps whenever you liked.</p> + +<p>"But look here," said General Bramble, "how is my partner to know +when I'm going to twinkle?"</p> + +<p>"Oh," said the aide-de-camp, "you must hold her near enough for her +to feel the slightest movement of your body."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" grunted the general. And after a moment's thought he added, +"Couldn't you get up some mixed dances here?"</p><!-- p. 154 --> + +<p>From the depths of the arm-chair came Aurelle's joyful approval.</p> + +<p>"I've never been able to make out," he said, "what pleasure you men +can find in dancing together. Dancing is a sentimental pantomime, a +kind of language of the body which allows it to express an +understanding which the soul dare not confess. What was dancing for +primitive man? Nothing but a barbaric form of love."</p> + +<p>"What a really French idea!" exclaimed Colonel Parker. "I should say +rather that love is a barbaric form of dancing. Love is animal; +dancing is human. It's more than an art; it's a sport."</p> + +<p>"Quite right," said Aurelle. "Since the British nation deems worthy +of the name of sport any exercise which is at once useless, tiring +and dangerous, I am quite ready to admit that dancing answers this +definition in every way. Nevertheless, among savages——"</p><!-- p. 155 --> + +<p>"Aurelle, my boy, don't talk to me about savages!" said Parker. +"You've never been out of your beloved Europe. Now I have lived among +the natives of Australia and Malay; and their dances were not +sentimental pantomimes, as you call them, at all, but warlike +exercises for their young soldiers, that took the place of our +Swedish drill and bayonet practice. Besides, it is not so very long +since these close embraces were adopted in our own countries. Your +minuets and pavanes were respecters of persons, and the ancients, who +liked looking at dancing girls, never stooped to twirling them +round."</p> + +<p>"That's quite easy to understand," put in the doctor. "What did they +want with dancing? The directness of their customs made such +artificial devices for personal contact quite unnecessary. It's only +our Victorian austerity which makes these rhythmical embraces so +attractive. <!-- p. 156 -->Puritan America loves to waggle her hips, and——"</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said the general, "turn the record over, will you, and put +on speed eighty; it's a jazz."</p> + +<p>"What's worrying me," began Aurelle, who had returned once more to +his paper, "is that our oracles are taking the theory of nationality +so seriously. A nation is a living organism, but a nationality is +nothing. Take the Jugo-Slavs, for instance——"</p> + +<p>At that moment the doctor produced such an ear-splitting racket from +the gramophone that the interpreter let his <i>Times</i> fall to the +ground.</p> + +<p>"By Jove!" he exclaimed; "have you broken it, doctor?"</p> + +<p>"Broken it?" repeated the doctor in mild surprise.</p> + +<p>"You don't mean to tell me that all that noise of broken crockery and +foghorns was deliberately put together by a human brain?"</p><!-- p. 157 --> + +<p>"You know nothing about it," said the doctor. "This negro music is +excellent stuff. Negroes are much finer artists than we are; they +alone can still feel the holy delirium which ranked the first singers +among the gods...."</p> + +<p>His voice was drowned by the sinister racket of the jazz, which made +a noise like a barrage of 4.2 howitzers in a thunderstorm.</p> + +<p>"Jazz!" shouted the general to his aide-de-camp, bostoning +majestically the while. "Jazz—Dundas, what <i>is</i> jazz?"</p> + +<p>"Anything you like, sir," replied the rosy-cheeked one. "You've just +got to follow the music."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" said the general, much astonished.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said Aurelle gravely, "we may now be witnessing the last +days of a civilization which with all its faults was not without a +certain grace. Don't you think that under the circumstances there +<!-- p. 158 -->might be something better for us to do than tango awkwardly to this +ear-splitting din?"</p> + +<p>"My dear boy," said the doctor, "what would you do if some one stuck +a pin into your leg? Well, war and peace have driven more than one +spike into the hide of humanity; and of course she howls and dances +with the pain. It's just a natural reflex action. Why, they had a +fox-trot epidemic just like this after the Black Death in the +fourteenth century; only then they called it St. Vitus's dance."</p><!-- p. 159 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb16" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XVI<br> + +THE GLORY OF THE GARDEN</h2> + +<div class="epigraph"> +<div class="verse"> + <span class="i0">"But the Glory of the Garden</span><br> + <span class="i0">Lies in more than meets the eye."</span> +</div> +<p class="sig sc">R. Kipling.</p> +</div> + +<p>A farewell dinner was being given to Aurelle by the officers of +the Scottish Division, with whom he had spent four years of danger +and hardship.</p> + +<p>Before they sat down, they made him drink a cocktail and a glass of +sherry, and then an Italian vermouth tuned up with a drop of gin. +Their eager affection, and this curiously un-British mixing of +drinks, made him feel that on this last evening he was no longer a +member of the mess, but its guest.</p> + +<p>"I hope," said Colonel Parker, "that <!-- p. 160 -->you will be a credit to the +education we have given you, and that you will at last manage to +empty your bottle of champagne without assistance."</p> + +<p>"I'll try," said Aurelle, "but the war has ended too soon, and I've +still a lot to learn."</p> + +<p>"That's a fact," grumbled the colonel. "This damned peace has come at +a most unfortunate moment. Everything was just beginning to get into +shape. I had just bought a cinema for the men; our gunners were +working better every day; there was a chance of my becoming a +general, and Dundas was teaching me jazz. And then the politicians +poke their noses in and go and make peace, and Clemenceau demobs +Aurelle! Life's just one damned thing after another!"</p> + +<p>"<i>Wee, Messiou</i>," sighed General Bramble, "it's a pity to see you +leaving us. Can't you stay another week?"</p> + +<p>"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm to be demobbed <!-- p. 161 -->with the third batch, and +I've got my warrant in my pocket. I'm to report to-morrow at +Montreuil-sur-Mer; from there I shall be sent to Arras, and then +dispatched to Versailles, after which, if I survive the journey, I +shall be at liberty to return to Paris. I should be delighted to stay +a few days, but I suppose I must obey the pompous military maxim and +'share the fortunes of my comrades.'"</p> + +<p>"Why," said Colonel Parker, "are people so idiotic as to discharge +soldiers whose return is dreaded by civilians and whose presence is +necessary to the comfort of the Staff? We English adopted a much more +intelligent plan for <i>our</i> demobilization. The men were to be +classified according to their professions, and were only to be +released when workmen of their occupation were required in England. +In this way we were to avoid unemployment trouble. All the details +were most clearly explained in a bulky <!-- p. 162 -->volume; it was really an +excellent plan. Well, when it came to be actually worked, everything +went as badly as could be. Every one complained; there were small +riots which were dramatized in the newspapers; and after some weeks' +trial we returned to your system of classes, Aurelle, which makes for +equality and is idiotic."</p> + +<p>"It was easy to foresee," said the doctor, "that any regulation which +neglected human nature was bound to fail. Man, that absurd and +passionate animal, cannot thrive under an intelligent system. To be +acceptable to the majority a law must be unjust. The French +demobilization system is inane, and that is why it is so good."</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said the general, "I cannot allow you to say that the +French method is inane; this is the last evening Messiou is spending +with us, and I will not have him annoyed."</p><!-- p. 163 --> + +<p>"It doesn't matter a bit," said Aurelle; "neither of them knows what +he's talking about. It is quite true that things are going rather +better in France than elsewhere, in spite of absurd decrees and +orders. But that's not because our laws are unjust; it's because no +one takes them seriously. In England your weakness is that if you are +ordered to demobilize men by classes, you'll do it. We <i>say</i> we're +doing it, but by means of all sorts of reprieves, small +irregularities and reasonable injustices, we manage <i>not</i> to do it. +Some barbarous bureaucrat has decreed that the interpreter Aurelle +should, in order to be demobilized, accomplish the circuit +Montreuil-Arras-Versailles in a cattle-truck. It is futile and +vexatious; but do you suppose I shall do it? Never in your life! +Tomorrow morning I shall calmly proceed to Paris by the express. I +shall exhibit a paper covered with seals to a scribe <!-- p. 164 -->at the G.M.P., +who will utter a few lamentations as a matter of form, and demobilize +me with much grumbling. With us the great principle of public justice +is that no one is supposed to respect the laws; this is what has +enabled us to beat Germany."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" muttered the general, much taken aback.</p> + +<p>"Doctor," said Colonel Parker, "help Messiou Aurelle to some +champagne; his mind is far too clear."</p> + +<p>Corks began to pop with the rapidity of machine guns. Colonel Parker +began a speech about the charming, kind and affectionate disposition +of the women of Burma; the doctor preferred Japanese women for +technical reasons.</p> + +<p>"French women are also very beautiful," said General Bramble +politely; for he could not forget this was Aurelle's farewell dinner.</p> + +<p>When the orderlies had brought the <!-- p. 165 -->port, he struck the table twice +sharply with the handle of his knife, and said, with a pleasant +mixture of solemnity and geniality:</p> + +<p>"Now, gentlemen, as our friend is leaving us after having so +excellently represented his country amongst us for the last four +years, I propose that we drink his health with musical honours."</p> + +<p>All the officers stood up, glass in hand. Aurelle was about to follow +their example, when Colonel Parker crushed him with a whispered, +"<i>Assee, Messiou, poor l'amoor de Dee-er!</i>" And the Staff of the +Scottish Division proceeded to sing with the utmost solemnity, +keeping their eyes fixed upon the young Frenchman:</p> + +<div class="verse"> + <span class="bq">"For he's a jolly good fellow,</span><br> + <span class="i0">And so say all of us...."</span> +</div> + +<p>Aurelle was deeply moved as he gazed at the friendly faces round him, +and reflected sadly that he was about to leave for ever the little +world in which <!-- p. 166 -->he had been so happy. General Bramble was standing +gravely at attention, and singing as solemnly as if he were in his +pew in church:</p> + +<div class="verse"> + <span class="bq">"For he's a jolly good fellow,</span><br> + <span class="i0">And so say all of us...."</span> +</div> + +<p>Then came much cheering, glasses were drained at a gulp, and young, +rosy-cheeked Dundas shouted, "Speech, Messiou, speech!"</p> + +<p>"Come, Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "don't you believe you're going +to get out of it as easily as all that! You must get on your hind +legs, my boy, and do your bit."</p> + +<hr> + +<p>"Ah, Messiou," said the general when the ceremony was over and the +brandy had followed the port, "I hope our two nations will remain +friends after this war."</p> + +<p>"How could it possibly be otherwise, sir? We cannot forget——"</p><!-- p. 167 --> + +<p>"The duration of our friendship," Colonel Parker put in, "depends +neither on you, Aurelle, nor on us. The Englishman as an individual +is sentimental and loyal, but he can only afford the luxury of these +noble sentiments because the British nation is imbued with a holy +selfishness. Albion is not perfidious, in spite of what your +countrymen used to say; but she cannot tolerate the existence of a +dominant power on the Continent. We love you dearly and sincerely, +but if you were to discover another Napoleon...."</p> + +<p>"Humph!" grunted the general, greatly shocked. "Have some more +brandy, Messiou?"</p> + +<p>"Everything will be all right," said the doctor cynically. "Your +cotton goods will always cost more than ours, and that is the surest +guarantee of friendship."</p> + +<p>"Why should they cost more?" carelessly asked Aurelle, in whose brain +the <!-- p. 168 -->brandy was beginning to produce a pleasant misty feeling.</p> + +<p>"My boy," said the doctor, "your Napoleon, of whom Parker is so +afraid, said we were a nation of shopkeepers. We accept the +compliment, and our only regret is that we are unable to return it. +You have three national failings which will always prevent you from +being dangerous commercial competitors: you are economical, you are +simple and you are hard-working. That is what makes you a great +military people; the French soldiers got accustomed to the hardship +of trench life far more readily than ours. But in peace-time your +very virtues betray you. In that famous woollen stocking of yours you +hoard not only your francs but your initiative; and your upper +classes, being content with bathrooms which our farmers would +disdain, feel no call to go out and cultivate Indo-China. We never +invest a penny; so <!-- p. 169 -->our children have no alternative but to go out +Empire-building. We must have comfort, which compels us to be +audacious; and we are extremely lazy, which makes us ingenious."</p> + +<p>At this point General Bramble began to emit the series of grunting +noises which invariably preceded his favourite anecdotes.</p> + +<p>"It is quite true," he said proudly, "that we are lazy. One day, just +after we had made an advance near Cambrai, and the position was still +uncertain, I sent out an aviator to fly over a little wood and report +whether the troops that occupied it were French, British or German. I +watched him executing my order, and when he came back he told me the +troops were British. 'Are you quite certain?' I asked, 'you didn't go +very low.' 'It was not necessary, sir. I knew if those men had been +busy digging trenches, I should have been uncertain whether they +<!-- p. 170 -->were French or German; but as they were sitting on the grass, I'm +sure they are British.'"</p> + +<p>It was ten o'clock. The aide-de-camp poured out a whisky and soda for +his general. A silence ensued, and in the kitchen close by the +orderlies were heard singing the old war ditties, from "Tipperary" to +"The Yanks are coming," as was their nightly custom. They made a fine +bass chorus, in which the officers joined unconsciously.</p> + +<p>The singing excited Dundas, who began to yell "view-halloos" and +smack a whip he took down from the wall. The doctor found a Swiss +cowbell on the mantelpiece and rang it wildly. Colonel Parker took up +the tongs and began rapping out a furious fox-trot on the +mantelshelf, which the general accompanied from his armchair with a +beatific whistle.</p> + +<p>Of the end of the evening Aurelle had but a blurred remembrance. +Towards <!-- p. 171 -->one o'clock in the morning he found himself squatting on the +floor drinking stout beside a little major, who was explaining to him +that he had never met more respectable women than at Port Said.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile Dundas started to chant a ditty about the virtues of one +notorious Molly O'Morgan; Colonel Parker repeated several times, +"Aurelle, my boy, don't forget that if Englishmen can afford to make +fools of themselves, it is only because England is such a devilishly +serious nation;" and Dr. O'Grady, who was getting to the sentimental +stage, sang many songs of his native land in a voice that was full of +tears.</p><!-- p. 172 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb17" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XVII<br> + +LETTER FROM COLONEL PARKER TO AURELLE</h2> + +<p class="epigraph" lang="fr">"Tout homme de courage est homme de parole."—<span class="sc">Corneille</span></p> + +<p class="letterheader"><span class="sc">Stapleton Hall, Stapleton, Kent.</span><br> +<i>April —, 1920.</i></p> + +<p>My Dear Aurelle,—Much water has passed beneath the bridges since +your last letter. For one thing, I have become a farmer. When I left +my staff job I thought of rejoining my old regiment; but it wasn't +easy, as the battalion is crammed full of former generals who are +only subalterns.</p> + +<p>They are treating the army very unfairly here. Our damned Parliament +refuses to vote it any money; very little is required of it, it's +true—it has merely <!-- p. 173 -->to maintain order in Ireland and to guard the +Rhine, Mesopotamia, India, Egypt, Turkey, Palestine, Silesia, the +Caucasus and a few other countries the names of which I can't +remember! All I can say is, God help England!</p> + +<p>We farmers also can do with His help. April is the month for sowing, +and fine weather is necessary. As far as I am concerned, I had a +hundred acres of potatoes to sow, and I had made detailed +preparations for my spring offensive. But, as always happens when the +poor British start attacking, rain began falling in bucketfuls the +very first day of operations. The advance had to be stopped after a +few acres, and public opinion is really much exercised about the +matter.</p> + +<p>Now I want to answer your letter. You say, "Some of you in England +seem astonished that we refuse to trust the Germans. We are accused +of a lack of <!-- p. 174 -->generosity. What a splendid piece of unconscious +humour! I'd like to see you in our shoes—suppose there were no sea +between those chaps and yourselves!"</p> + +<p>My dear Aurelle, I have often asked you not to confuse the English +people with their cursed Puritans. There have always been in this +country a large number of men who have done their best to destroy the +strength and reputation of our Empire. Up to the time of good Queen +Bess, these scoundrels were kept in their place, and I often regret I +was not born in those times. Since then the Puritan element has on +every occasion displayed its narrow-mindedness and its hatred of +patriotism and of everything beautiful and joyous. The Puritans +prefer their opinions to their country, which is an abominable +heresy. They brought the civil wars upon us at the time of the +Stuarts; they helped the rebels during <!-- p. 175 -->the American War of +Independence and the French during their Revolution. They were +pro-Boers in the South African War, conscientious objectors in this +one, and now they are supporting the republican murderers in Ireland, +trying to undermine the British workman's faith in his King and +county cricket, and doing their best to encourage the Germans by +creating difficulties between France and ourselves.</p> + +<p>But you must not forget that the magnificent indifference and +ignorance of our race makes these pedants quite harmless.</p> + +<p>You ask me what the average British citizen thinks about it all. +Well, I'm going to tell you.</p> + +<p>What interests the average British citizen beyond everything is the +match between England and Scotland, which is to be played next +Saturday at Twickenham, the Grand National, which is to be run next +week at Liverpool, and Mrs. <!-- p. 176 -->Bamberger's divorce, which fills the +newspapers just now.</p> + +<p>What does the British citizen think? Well, he went to the war without +knowing what it was all about, and he has come back from it without +having gathered any further information. As a matter of fact, he is +beginning to wonder who won it. You say it was Foch, and we are quite +ready to believe you; still, it seems to us that our army had a +little to do with it. The Italians say <i>they</i> struck the decisive +blow; so do the Serbians and the Portuguese, of course. The Americans +go about wearing little badges in their buttonholes which proclaim, +"<i>We</i> did it." Ludendorff claims that the German army won the war. +I am beginning to ask myself whether <i>I</i> was not the victor. As a +matter of fact, I'm inclined to think it was you. You kept the Infant +Dundas quiet; if you hadn't repressed him, he would have <!-- p. 177 -->kept +General Bramble from working; the general would have been nervous +at the time of the attack in April '18, and all would have been lost.</p> + +<p>As to international politics I have very little to tell you. I am +observing the bucolic mind, and am noticing with some anxiety that +the brain of the countryman is very much like the turnip he grows +with such perseverance. I am hoping I shall not also develop any +vegetable characteristics.</p> + +<p>You ask whether we are forgetting France. I don't think we are. Do +you know that we were ready to remit your war debts if America had +agreed? Not so bad for a nation of shopkeepers, is it? We don't brag +about our devotion, but we will be with you if anything goes wrong. I +trust you know us well enough to be quite assured of that.</p> + +<p>I am very busy this morning with <!-- p. 178 -->my favourite sow, who has just +borne a litter of twelve. She immediately squashed one of them; King +Solomon was not such a clever judge as he looked, after all. Au +revoir.</p><!-- p. 179 --> + + + + +<h2 id="gb18" class="chapheader">CHAPTER XVIII<br> + +GENERAL BRAMBLE'S RETURN</h2> + +<p class="epigraph">"The English have a mild aspect and a ringing, cheerful +voice."—<span class="sc">Emerson.</span></p> + + +<p>"By Jove," said the Infant Dundas, "this Paris of yours <i>is</i> a jolly +town."</p> + +<p>Beltara the painter had invited Aurelle to spend an evening in his +studio to meet General Bramble, who was passing through Paris on his +way to Constantinople, accompanied by Dundas and Dr. O'Grady.</p> + +<p>The general was sitting on a divan piled high with many-coloured +cushions, and gazing with emotion upon the sketch of a nude figure. +The Greek heads, Etruscan warriors and Egyptian scribes <!-- p. 180 -->about him +had the rare and spiritual beauty of mutilated things. Aurelle gazed +at his old chief as he sat motionless among the statues, and +consecrated the brief moment of silence to the memory of his virtues.</p> + +<p>"A fine woman," exclaimed the general, "a very fine woman indeed! +What a pity I can't show you a few Soudan negresses, Beltara!"</p> + +<p>Beltara interrupted him to introduce one of his friends, Lieutenant +Vincent, a gunner with a frank, open face. The general, fixing his +clear gaze on Aurelle, tried to speak of France and England.</p> + +<p>"I'm glad, Messiou, that we've come to an understanding at last. I'm +not very well up in all this business, but I can't stand all these +bickering politicians."</p> + +<p>Aurelle was suddenly conscious of the general's real sincerity and +anxiety about the future. Lieutenant Vincent came up <!-- p. 181 -->to them. He +had the rather wild, attractive grace of the present-day youth. As he +sat listening to General Bramble's words about English friendship, +his lips parted as though he was burning to break in.</p> + +<p>"Will you allow me, sir," he suddenly interrupted, "to tell you how +we look at it. Frankly speaking, you English were marvellous during +the war, but since the Armistice you have been on the wrong tack +entirely. You are on the wrong tack because you don't know the +Germans. Now I've just come back from Germany, and it is absolutely +clear that as soon as those fellows have enough to eat they'll fall +on us again. <i>You</i> want to get their forgiveness for your victory. +But why should they accept their defeat? Would you accept it in their +place?"</p> + +<p>"The sense of shame after victory," said the doctor gently, "is a +sentiment quite natural to barbarous peoples. <!-- p. 182 -->After employing the +utmost cruelty during the fight, they come and implore their +slaughtered enemies' pardon. 'Don't bear us a grudge for having cut +off your heads,' they say; 'if we had been less lucky you would have +cut off ours.' The English always go in for this kind of posthumous +politeness. They call it behaving like sportsmen. It's really a +survival of the 'enemy's taboo.'"</p> + +<p>"It would be quite all right," put in Lieutenant Vincent +breathlessly, "if you waited to appease the shades of your enemies +till you were quite certain they were really dead. But the Germans +are very much alive. Please understand, sir, that I'm speaking +absolutely without hate. What I mean is that we must destroy +Carthage—that is German military power—so completely that the very +idea of revenge will appear absurd to any German with an ounce of +common sense. As long as there exists at any <!-- p. 183 -->time the barest chance +of an enterprise, they will attempt it. I don't blame them in the +least for it; in fact I admire them for not despairing of their +country; but our duty—and yours too—is to make such an enterprise +impossible."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the general in rather feeble French; "but you can't hit a +man when he's down, can you?"</p> + +<p>"It's not a question of being down, sir. Do you know that the three +big gunpowder factories in Germany pay a dividend of fifteen per +cent.? Do you know that Krupp is building a factory in Finland in +order to escape our supervision? Do you realize that in ten years, if +we don't keep an eye on their chemical factories, the Germans will be +able to wage a frightful war against us, and use methods of which we +haven't the slightest inkling? Now why should we run this risk when +we are clearly in a position to take all precautions for some years +to come? <!-- p. 184 -->Carthage <i>must</i> be destroyed, sir. Why, just look at +Silesia...."</p> + +<p>"Every one's talking about Silesia," said the Infant Dundas. "What +<i>is</i> it, really?"</p> + +<p>Vincent, waving his arms despairingly, went to the piano and played a +long, sad phrase of Borodin, the one which is sung by the recumbent +woman just before Prince Igor's dances. Before Aurelle's eyes floated +Northern landscapes, muddy fields and bleeding faces, mingling with +the women's bare shoulders and the silk embroideries in the studio. +He was suddenly seized by a healthy emotion, like a breath of fresh +air, which made him want to ride across the wide world beside General +Bramble.</p> + +<p>"Doctor, can't we remain 'musketeers'?" he said.</p> + +<p>"Can't be done," said the doctor sarcastically, "till this damned +peace ends."</p> + +<p>"You hateful person!" said Beltara. "Will you have a whisky and +soda?"</p><!-- p. 185 --> + +<p>"What!" exclaimed the general joyfully, "you've got whisky in the +house, here, in France?"</p> + +<p>"It is pleasant to notice," said the doctor, "that the war has been +of some use after all. Your whisky, Beltara, quite reassures me about +the League of Nations. As the Entente is necessary to the safety of +our two countries, the responsibility of preserving good relations +ought to be given to doctors and psychologists. Such experts would +make it their business to cultivate those sentiments which tend to +unite two countries into one. They would remind people, by means of +noise and military ceremonies, of the great things they had achieved +together. England would be represented at these functions, as she is +in the minds of most Frenchmen, by Scotchmen and Australians. +Bagpipes, kilts, bugles and tam-o'-shanters are far better +diplomatists than ambassadors are. <!-- p. 186 -->Pageants, dances, a few +sentimental anecdotes, exchanges of song, common sports, common +drinks—these are the essence of a good international policy. The +Church, which is always so wise and so human, attaches as much +importance to works as to faith. The outward signs of friendship are +much more important than friendship itself, because they are +sufficient to support it."</p> + +<p>"Beltara," said the general, "will you ask your friend to play the +'Destiny Waltz' for Messiou?"</p> + +<p>Once more the familiar strains rang out, and brought to mind the +years of stress and happy comradeship.</p> + +<p>"Aurelle, do you remember Marguerite at Amiens—oh, and those two +little singers at Poperinghe whom I used to call Vaseline and +Glycerine? They sang English songs without understanding a word, with +the funniest accent in the world."</p> + +<p>"And the Outersteene innkeeper's <!-- p. 187 -->pretty daughters, Aurelle? Did you +ever see them again?"</p> + +<p>"Goodness knows where they've got to, sir; Outersteene isn't rebuilt +yet."</p> + +<p>"You never got to Salonica, did you? We had Mirka there; a fine pair +of legs she had too!"</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the Infant Dundas had discovered that Lieutenant Vincent +played tennis, and had struck up a firm friendship. Taking hold of a +palette, he began to explain a few strokes. "Look here, old man, if +you cut your service towards the right, your ball will spin from +right to left, won't it?"</p> + +<p>Vincent, who had been somewhat reserved at first, was melting, like +so many others, before the youthful charm of the Happy Nation.</p> + +<p>Soon echoes of the hunt were heard in the studio, and Aurelle +received full upon his person an orange that spun from right to left.</p><!-- p. 188 --> + +<p>General Bramble took out his watch and reminded Aurelle he was taking +the Orient Express. Beltara escorted him to the door, and Aurelle, +Vincent and the Infant followed behind.</p> + +<p>"I like the Vincent boy," said the general to his host. "He's a +splendid fellow, really splendid! When he came in, I thought he was +English."</p> + +<p>Aurelle wished them a pleasant journey.</p> + +<p>"Well, good-bye, Dundas. It was nice seeing you again. I suppose +you're jolly glad you're going to Constantinople? I rather envy you."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the Infant, "I'm quite bucked about it, because the +general who was there before us is leaving us a house that's got up +in absolutely British style; there's a bathroom and a tennis-court. +So I'll be able to go on practising my overhead service. Splendid, +isn't it?"</p> + +<p>They exchanged greetings and good wishes. The stars were shining in a +<!-- p. 189 -->moonless sky. On the pavement in the avenue they heard the +aide-de-camp changing his step to fit his general's. The door closed +upon them.</p> + +<p>In the gallery, in front of the green bronze warriors with their +large, staring eyes, the three Frenchmen looked at one another, and +the corners of their mouths twitched with the same friendly smile.</p> + +<div id="tnote"> +<h4>Transcriber's Notes</h4> + +<p>Minor typographical errors in the original have been silently +corrected. Page numbers have been removed from the table of contents +and page boundaries have been recorded in comments in the html +markup.</p></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of General Bramble, by André Maurois + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENERAL BRAMBLE *** + +***** This file should be named 30596-h.htm or 30596-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/5/9/30596/ + +Produced by Andrew Sly, Chuck Greif and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: General Bramble + +Author: Andre Maurois + +Translator: Jules Castier + Ronald Boswell + +Release Date: December 3, 2009 [EBook #30596] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK GENERAL BRAMBLE *** + + + + +Produced by Andrew Sly, Chuck Greif and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +GENERAL BRAMBLE + +_by_ + +ANDRE MAUROIS + +_translated by_ + +JULES CASTIER and RONALD BOSWELL + + +JOHN LANE +THE BODLEY HEAD LTD + + +First Published 1921 + +First Published in The Week-End Library 1931 + + + +MADE AND PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY + +MORRISON AND GIBB LTD, LONDON AND EDINBURGH + + + +CONTENTS + + I. Portraits + II. Diplomacy + III. The Tower of Babel + IV. A Business Man in the Army + V. The Story of Private Biggs + VI. An Air Raid + VII. Love and the Infant Dundas + VIII. A Great Chef + IX. Prelude a la Soiree d'un General + X. Private Brommit's Conversion + XI. Justice + XII. Variations + XIII. The Cure + XIV. The Beginning of the End + XV. Danse Macabre + XVI. The Glory of the Garden + XVII. Letter from Colonel Parker to Aurelle + XVIII. General Bramble's Return + + + + + +GENERAL BRAMBLE + + + + +CHAPTER I + +PORTRAITS + + "As to what the picture represents, that depends upon who looks + at it."--Whistler. + + +The French Mission in its profound wisdom had sent as liaison officer +to the Scottish Division a captain of Dragoons whose name was +Beltara. + +"Are you any relation to the painter, sir?" Aurelle, the interpreter, +asked him. + +"What did you say?" said the dragoon. "Say that again, will you? You +_are_ in the army, aren't you? You are a soldier, for a little time +at any rate? and you claim to know that such people as painters +exist? You actually admit the existence of that God-forsaken species?" + +And he related how he had visited the French War Office after he had +been wounded, and how an old colonel had made friends with him and +had tried to find him a congenial job. + +"What's your profession in civilian life, _capitaine_?" the old man +had asked as he filled in a form. + +"I am a painter, sir." + +"A painter?" the colonel exclaimed, dumbfounded. "A painter? Why, +damn it all!" + +And after thinking it over for a minute he added, with the kindly +wink of an accomplice in crime, "Well, let's put down _nil_, eh? It +won't look quite so silly." + + * * * * * + +Captain Beltara and Aurelle soon became inseparable companions. They +had the same tastes and different professions, which is the +ideal recipe for friendship. Aurelle admired the sketches in +which the painter recorded the flexible lines of the Flemish +landscape; Beltara was a kindly critic of the young man's rather +feeble verses. + +"You would perhaps be a poet," he said to him, "if you were not +burdened with a certain degree of culture. An artist must be an +idiot. The only perfect ones are the sculptors; then come the +landscape painters; then painters in general; after them the writers. +The critics are not at all stupid; and the really intelligent men +never do anything." + +"Why shouldn't intelligence have an art of its own, as sensibility +has?" + +"No, my friend, no. Art is a game; intelligence is a profession. Look +at me, for instance; now that I no longer touch my brushes, I +sometimes actually catch myself thinking; it's quite alarming." + +"You ought to paint some portraits here, _mon capitaine_. Aren't +you tempted? These sunburnt British complexions----" + +"Of course, my boy, it is tempting; but I haven't got my things with +me. Besides, would they consent to sit?" + +"Of course they would, for as long as you like. To-morrow I'll bring +round young Dundas, the aide-de-camp. He's got nothing to do; he'll +be delighted." + + * * * * * + +Next day Beltara made a three-crayon sketch of Lieutenant Dundas. The +young aide-de-camp turned out quite a good sitter; all he asked was +to be allowed to do something, which meant shouting his hunting +cries, cracking his favourite whip and talking to his dog. + +"Ah," said Aurelle, at the end of the sitting, "I like that +immensely--really. It's so lightly touched--it's a mere nothing, and +yet the whole of England is there." + +And, waving his hands with the ritual gestures of the infatuated +picture-lover, he praised the artlessness of the clear, wide eyes, +the delightful freshness of the complexion, and the charming candour +of the smile. + +But the Cherub planted himself in front of his portrait, struck the +classical pose of the golfer, and, poising his arms and hitting at an +imaginary ball, pronounced judgment on the work of art with perfect +frankness. + +"My God," he said, "what an awful thing! How the deuce did you see, +old man, that my breeches were laced at the side?" + +"What on earth can that matter?" asked Aurelle, annoyed. + +"Matter! Would _you_ like to be painted with your nose behind your +ear? My God! It's about as much like me as it is like Lloyd George." + +"Likeness is quite a secondary quality," said Aurelle condescendingly. +"The interesting thing is not the individual; it is the type, +the synthesis of a whole race or class." + +"In the days when I was starving in my native South," said the +painter, "I used to paint portraits of tradesmen's wives for a fiver. +When I had done, the family assembled for a private view. 'Well,' +said the husband, 'it's not so bad; but what about the likeness, eh? +You put it in afterwards, I suppose?' 'The likeness?' I indignantly +replied. 'The likeness? My dear sir, I am a painter of ideals; I +don't paint your wife as she is, I paint her as she ought to be. Your +wife? Why, you see her every day--she cannot interest you. But my +painting--ah, you never saw anything like my painting!' And the +tradesman was convinced, and went about repeating in every cafe on +the Cannebiere, 'Beltara, _mon bon_, is the painter of ideals; +he does not paint my wife as she is, he paints her as she ought +to be.'" + +"Well," interrupted young Lieutenant Dundas, "if you can make my +breeches lace in front, I should be most grateful. I look like a +damned fool as it is now!" + + * * * * * + +The following week Beltara, who had managed to get hold of some +paints, made excellent studies in oil of Colonel Parker and Major +Knight. The major, who was stout, found his corporation somewhat +exaggerated. + +"Yes," said the painter, "but with the varnish, you know----" + +And with an expressive movement of his hands he made as if to restore +the figure to more normal dimensions. + +The colonel, who was lean, wanted to be padded out. + +"Yes," said Beltara, "but with the varnish, you know----" + +And his hands, moving back again, gave promise of astonishing +expansions. + +Having regained a taste for his profession, he tried his hand at some +of the finest types in the Division. His portraits met with various +verdicts; each model thought his own rotten and the others excellent. + +The Divisional Squadron Commander found his boots badly polished. The +C.R.E. commented severely on the important mistakes in the order of +his ribbons; the Legion of Honour being a foreign order should not +have preceded the Bath, and the Japanese Rising Sun ought to have +followed the Italian Order for Valour. + +The only unqualified praise came from the sergeant-major who acted as +chief clerk to General Bramble. He was a much-beribboned old warrior +with a head like a faun and three red hairs on top of it. He had the +respectful familiarity of the underling who knows he is indispensable, +and he used to come in at all times of the day and criticize the +captain's work. + +"That's fine, sir," he would say, "that's fine." + +After some time he asked Aurelle whether the captain would consent +"to take his photo." The request was accepted, for the old N.C.O.'s +beacon-like countenance tempted the painter, and he made a kindly +caricature. + +"Well, sir," the old soldier said to him, "I've seen lots of +photographer chaps the likes of you--I've seen lots at fairs in +Scotland--but I've never seen one as gives you a portrait so quick." + +He soon told General Bramble of the painter's prowess; and as he +exercised a respectful but all-powerful authority over the general, +he persuaded him to come and give the French liaison officer a +sitting. + +The general proved an admirable model of discipline. Beltara, who was +very anxious to be successful in this attempt, demanded several +sittings. The general arrived punctually, took up his pose with +charming deliberation, and when the painter had done, said "Thank +you," with a smile, and went away without saying another word. + +"Look here," Beltara said to Aurelle, "does this bore him or not? He +hasn't come one single time to look at what I have done. I can't +understand it." + +"He'll look at it when you've finished," Aurelle replied. "I'm sure +he's delighted, and he'll let you see it when the time comes." + +As a matter of fact after the last sitting, when the painter had said +"Thank you, sir, I think I could only spoil it now," the general +slowly descended from the platform, took a few solemn steps round +the easel, and stared at his portrait for some minutes. + +"Humph!" he said at length, and left the room. + + * * * * * + +Dr. O'Grady, who was a man of real artistic culture, seemed somehow +to understand that keeping decorations in their correct order is not +the only criterion of the beauty of a portrait. The grateful Beltara +proposed to make a sketch of him, and during the sitting was pleased +to find himself in agreement with the doctor upon many things. + +"The main point," said the painter, "is to see simply--outlines, +general masses. The thing is not to copy nature with childish +minuteness." + +"No, of course not," replied the doctor. "Besides, it can't be done." + +"Of course it can't, because nature is so endlessly full of details +which can never all be considered. The thing is to suggest their +presence." + +"Quite so," said the doctor. + +But when he came to gaze upon the face he loved so well, and saw it +transformed into outlines and general masses, he seemed a little +surprised. + +"Well, of course," he said, "it is excellent--oh, it's very, very +good--but don't you think you have made me a little too old? I have +no lines at the corner of my mouth, and my hair is not quite so +thin." + +He appealed to the aide-de-camp who was just then passing by. + +"Dundas, is this like me?" + +"Certainly, Doc; but it's ten years younger." + +The doctor's smile darkened, and he began rather insistently to +praise the Old Masters. + +"Modern painting," he proclaimed, "is too brutal." + +"Good heavens," said Aurelle, "a great artist cannot paint with a +powder-puff; you must be able to feel that the fellow with the pencil +was not a eunuch." + +"Really," he went on, when the doctor had left in rather a bad +temper, "he's as ridiculous as the others. I think his portrait is +very vigorous, and not in the least a skit, whatever he may say." + +"Just sit down there a minute, old man," said the painter. "I shall +be jolly glad to work from an intelligent model for once. They all +want to look like tailors' fashion-plates. Now, I can't change my +style; I don't paint in beauty paste, I render what I see--it's like +Diderot's old story about the amateur who asked a floral painter to +portray a lion. 'With pleasure,' said the artist, 'but you may expect +a lion that will be as like a rose as I can make him.'" + +The conversation lasted a long time; it was friendly and technical. +Aurelle praised Beltara's painting; Beltara expressed his joy at +having found so penetrating and artistic a critic in the midst of +so many Philistines. + +"I prefer your opinion to a painter's; it's certainly sincerer. Would +you mind turning your profile a bit more towards me? Some months +before the war I had two friends in my studio to whom I wished to +show a little picture I intended for the _Salon_. 'Yes,' said the +younger of them, 'it's all right, but there ought to be a light spot +in that corner; your lights are not well balanced.' 'Shut up, you +fool,' the other whispered to him, 'that'll make it _really_ good!' +Come on, old man, come and look; I think that sketch can be left as +it is." + +Aurelle walked up to the painter, and, cocking his head on one side, +looked at the drawing. + +"It's charming," he said at last with some reluctance. "It's charming. +There are some delightful touches--all that still life on the table, +it might be a Chardin--and I like the background very much indeed." + +"Well, old man, I'm glad you like it. Take it back with you when you +go on leave and give it to your wife." + +"Er--" sighed Aurelle, "thank you, _mon capitaine_; it's really very +kind of you. Only--you'll think me no end of a fool--you see, if it +is to be for my wife, I'd like you to touch up the profile just a +little. Of course you understand." + +And Beltara, who was a decent fellow, adorned his friend's face with +the Grecian nose and the small mouth which the gods had denied him. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +DIPLOMACY + + "We are not foreigners; we are English; it is _you_ that are + foreigners."--An English Lady Abroad. + + +When Dr. O'Grady and Aurelle had succeeded, with some difficulty, in +obtaining a room from old Madame de Vauclere, Colonel Parker went +over to see them and was charmed with the chateau and the park. + +France and England, he said, were the only two countries in which +fine gardens were to be found, and he told the story of the American +who asked the secret of those well-mown lawns and was answered, +"Nothing is simpler: water them for twelve hundred years." + +Then he inquired timidly whether he also might not be quartered at +the chateau. + +"It wouldn't do very well, sir; Madame is mortally afraid of +new-comers, and she has a right, being a widow, to refuse to billet +you." + +"Aurelle, my boy, do be a good fellow, and go and arrange matters." + +After much complaining, Madame de Vauclere consented to put the +colonel up: all her sons were officers, and she could not withstand +sentimental arguments for very long. + +The next day Parker's orderly joined the doctor's in the chateau +kitchen, and together they annexed the fireplace. To make room for +their own utensils, they took down a lot of comical little French +articles, removed what they saw no use for, put the kettle on, and +whistled hymns as they filled the cupboards with tins of boot polish +in scientifically graded rows. + +After adoring them on the first day, putting up with them on the +second, and cursing them on the third, the old cook came up to +Aurelle with many lamentations, and dwelt at some length on the sad +state of her saucepans; but she found the interpreter dealing with +far more serious problems. + +Colonel Parker, suddenly realizing that it was inconvenient for the +general to be quartered away from his Staff, had decided to transfer +the whole H.Q. to the chateau of Vauclere. + +"Explain to the old lady that I want a very good room for the +general, and the billiard-room for our clerks." + +"Why, it's impossible, sir; she has no good room left." + +"What about her own?" said Colonel Parker. + +Madame de Vauclere, heart-broken, but vanquished by the magic word +"General," which Aurelle kept on repeating sixty times a minute, +tearfully abandoned her canopied bed and her red damask chairs, +and took refuge on the second floor. + +Meanwhile the drawing-room with its ancient tapestries was filled +with an army of phlegmatic clerks occupied in heaping up innumerable +cases containing the history in triplicate of the Division, its men, +horses, arms and achievements. + +"Maps" set up his drawing-board on a couple of arm-chairs; +"Intelligence" concealed their secrets in an Aubusson boudoir; and +the telephone men sauntered about in the dignified, slow, bantering +fashion of the British workman. They set up their wires in the park, +and cut branches off the oaks and lime trees; they bored holes in the +old walls, and, as they wished to sleep near their work they put up +tents on the lawns. + +The Staff asked for their horses; and the animals were picketed in +the garden walks, as the stables were too small. In the garden +the Engineers made a dug-out in case of a possible bombardment. +The orderlies' football developed a distinct liking for the +window-panes of the summer-house. The park assumed the aspect +first of a building site and then of a training camp, and new-comers +said, "These French gardens _are_ badly kept!" + +This methodical work of destruction had been going on for about a +week when "Intelligence" got going. + +"Intelligence" was represented at the Division by Captain Forbes. + +Forbes, who had never yet arrested a real spy, saw potential spies +everywhere, and as he was fond of the company of the great, he always +made his suspicions a pretext for going to see General Bramble or +Colonel Parker. One day he remained closeted for an hour with the +colonel, who summoned Aurelle as soon as he had left. + +"Do you know," he said to him, "there are most dangerous things +going on here. Two old women are constantly being seen in this +chateau. What the deuce are they up to?" + +"What do you mean?" gasped Aurelle. "This is their house, sir; it's +Madame de Vauclere and her maid." + +"Well, you go and tell them from me to clear out as soon as possible. +The presence of civilians among a Staff cannot be tolerated; the +Intelligence people have complained about it, and they are perfectly +right." + +"But where are they to go to, sir?" + +"That's no concern of mine." + +Aurelle turned round furiously and left the room. Coming across Dr. +O'Grady in the park, he asked his advice about the matter. + +"Why, doctor, she had a perfect right to refuse to billet us, and +from a military point of view we should certainly be better off at +Nieppe. She was asked to do us a favour, she grants it, and her +kindness is taken as a reason for her expulsion! I can't 'evacuate +her to the rear,' as Forbes would say; she'd die of it!" + +"I should have thought," said the doctor, "that after three years you +knew the British temperament better than this. Just go and tell the +colonel, politely and firmly, that you refuse to carry out his +orders. Then depict Madame de Vauclere's situation in your grandest +and most tragic manner. Tell him her family has been living in the +chateau for the last two thousand years, that one of her ancestors +came over to England with William the Conqueror, and that her +grandfather was a friend of Queen Victoria's. Then the colonel will +apologize and place a whole wing at the disposal of your +_protegee_." + +Dr. O'Grady's prescription was carried out in detail by Aurelle with +most satisfactory results. + +"You are right," said the colonel, "Forbes is a damned idiot. The old +lady can stay on, and if anybody annoys her, let her come to me." + +"It's all these servants who are such a nuisance to her, sir," said +Aurelle. "It's very painful for her to see her own house turned +upside-down." + +"Upside-down?" gasped the colonel. "Why, the house is far better kept +than it was in her time. I have had the water in the cisterns +analysed; I have had sweet-peas planted and the tennis lawn rolled. +What can she complain of?" + +In the well-appointed kitchen garden, where stout-limbed pear trees +bordered square beds of sprouting lettuce, Aurelle joined O'Grady. + +"Doctor, you're a great man, and my old lady is saved. But it appears +she ought to thank her lucky stars for having placed her under the +British Protectorate, which, in exchange for her freedom, provides +her with a faultless tennis lawn and microbeless water." + +"There is nothing," said the doctor gravely, "that the British +Government is not ready to do for the good of the natives." + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE TOWER OF BABEL + + "Des barques romaines, disais-je.--Non, disais-tu, + portugaises."--Jean Giraudoux. + + +"Wot you require, sir," interrupted Private Brommit, "is a glass o' +boilin' 'ot milk an' whisky, with lots o' cinnamon." + +Aurelle, who was suffering from an attack of influenza, was at +Estrees, under the care of Dr. O'Grady, who tirelessly prescribed +ammoniated quinine. + +"I say, doctor," said the young Frenchman, "this is a drug that's +utterly unknown in France. It seems strange that medicines should +have a nationality." + +"Why shouldn't they?" said the doctor. "Many diseases are national. +If a Frenchman has a bathe after a meal, he is stricken with +congestion of the stomach and is drowned. An Englishman never +has congestion of the stomach." + +"No," said Aurelle; "he is drowned all the same, but his friends say +he had cramp, and the honour of Britain is saved." + +Private Brommit knocked at the door and showed in Colonel Parker, who +sat down by the bed and asked Aurelle how he was getting on. + +"He is much better," said the doctor; "a few more doses of +quinine----" + +"I am glad to hear that," replied the colonel, "because I shall want +you, Aurelle. G.H.Q. is sending me on a mission for a fortnight to +one of your Brittany ports; I am to organize the training of the +Portuguese Division. I have orders to take an interpreter with me. I +thought of you for the job." + +"But," Aurelle put in, "I don't know a word of Portuguese." + +"What does that matter?" said the colonel. "You're an interpreter, +aren't you? Isn't that enough?" + + * * * * * + +The following day Aurelle told his servant to try and find a +Portuguese in the little town of Estrees. + +"Brommit is an admirable fellow," said Colonel Parker, "he found +whisky for me in the middle of the bush, and quite drinkable beer in +France. If I say to him, 'Don't come back without a Portuguese,' he +is sure to bring one with him, dead or alive." + +As a matter of fact, that very evening he brought back with him a +nervous, talkative little man. + +"Ze Poortooguez in fifteen days," exclaimed the little man, +gesticulating freely with his small plump hands "A language so rich, +so flexible, in fifteen days! Ah, you have ze luck, young man, to +'ave found in zis town Juan Garretos, of Portalegre, Master of Arts of +ze University of Coimbra, and positivist philosopher. Ze Poortooguez +in fifteen days! Do you know at least ze Low Latin? ze Greek? +ze Hebrew? ze Arabic? ze Chinese? If not, it is useless to +go furzer." + +Aurelle confessed his ignorance. + +"Never mind," said Juan Garretos indulgently; "ze shape of your 'ead +inspire me wiz confidence: for ten francs ze hour I accept you. Only, +mind, no chattering; ze Latins always talk too much. Not a single +word of ze English between us now. _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez_--do +me ze favour of speaking ze Poortooguez. Know first zat, in ze +Poortooguez, one speak in ze zird person. You must call your speaker +Excellency.'" + +"What's that?" Aurelle interrupted. "I thought you had just had a +democratic revolution." + +"Precisely," said the positivist philosopher, wringing his little +hands, "precisely. In France you made ze revolucaoung in order zat +every man should be called 'citizen.' What a waste of energy! In +Poortugal we made ze revolucaoung in order zat every man should be +called 'His Highness.' Instead of levelling down we levelled up. It +is better. Under ze old order ze children of ze poor were _rapachos_, +and zose of ze aristocracy were _meninos_: now zey are all _meninos_. +Zat is a revolucaoung! _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez._ Ze Latins +always talk too much." + +Having thus earned his ten francs by an hour's unceasing eloquence, +he made a fairer proposal to Aurelle next day. + +"I will arrange with you for a fixed sum," he said. "If I teach you +two souzand words, you give me fifty francs." + +"Very well," replied Aurelle, "two thousand words will be a +sufficient vocabulary to begin with." + +"All right," said Juan Garretos; "now listen to me. All ze words +which in ze English end with 'tion' are ze same in ze Poortooguez +wiz ze ending 'caoung.' Revolution--_revolucaoung_; +constitution--_constitucaoung_; inquisition--_inquisicaoung_. Now +zere are in ze English two souzand words ending in 'tion.' Your +Excellency owes me fifty francs. _Faz favor d'fallar Portuguez._" + + * * * * * + +A fortnight later Colonel Parker and Aurelle stepped on to the +platform at B----, where they were met by Major Baraquin, the officer +commanding the garrison, and Captain Pereira, the Portuguese liaison +officer. + +Major Baraquin was a very old soldier. He had seen service--in the +1870 campaign. All strangers, Allies included, inspired him with a +distrust which even his respect for his superiors failed to remove. +When the French War Office ordered him to place his barracks at +the disposal of a British colonel, discipline required him to obey, +but hostile memories inspired him with savage resistance. + +"After all, sir," said Aurelle to Parker, "his grandfather was at +Waterloo." + +"Are you quite sure," asked the colonel, "that he was not there +himself?" + +Above all things, Major Baraquin would never admit that the armies of +other nations might have different habits from his own. That the +British soldier should eat jam and drink tea filled him with generous +indignation. + +"The colonel," Aurelle translated, "requests me to ask you ..." + +"No, no, _no_," replied Major Baraquin in stentorian tones, +without troubling to listen any further. + +"But it will be necessary, sir, for the Portuguese who are going to +land...." + +"No, no, _no_, I tell you," Major Baraquin repeated, +resolved upon ignoring demands which he considered subversive +and childish. This refrain was as far as he ever got in his +conversations with Aurelle. + + * * * * * + +Next day several large British transports arrived, and disgorged upon +the quay thousands of small, black-haired men who gazed mournfully +upon the alien soil. It was snowing, and most of them were seeing +snow for the first time in their lives. They wandered about in the +mud, shivering in their spotted blue cotton uniforms and dreaming, no +doubt, of sunny Alemtejo. + +"They'll fight well," said Captain Pereira, "they'll fight well. +Wellington called them his fighting cocks, and Napoleon said his +Portuguese legion made the best troops in the world. But can you +wonder they are sad?" + +Each of them had brought with him a pink handkerchief containing his +collection of souvenirs--little reminders of his village, his +people, or his best girl--and when they were told that they could +not take their pink parcels with them to the front, there was a +heart-breaking outcry. + +Major Baraquin, with unconscious and sinister humour, had quartered +them in the shambles. + +"It would be better----" began Colonel Parker. + +"Il vaudrait peut-etre mieux----" Aurelle attempted to translate. + +"Vossa Excellencia----" began Captain Pereira. + +"No, no, _no_," said the old warrior passionately. + +The Portuguese went to the shambles. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +A BUSINESS MAN IN THE ARMY + + "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable + one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore + all progress depends on the unreasonable man."--G. B. Shaw (in + _A Revolutionist's Handbook_). + + +Colonel Musgrave of the R.A.S.C. had been instructed to +superintend the supply and transport arrangements of the Portuguese +Division, and Lieutenant Barefoot, in charge of a Labour Company, had +been detailed to assist him. + +"These men," he explained to Colonel Musgrave, "are all Southampton +dockers. In peace time I am their employer, and Sergeant Scott over +there is their foreman. They tell me your Labour Companies have often +shown rather poor discipline. There's no fear of anything like that +with my men; they have been chosen with care, and look up to me as if +I were a king. Scott, my sergeant, can do anything; neither he nor my +men ever drink a drop. As for me, I am a real business man, and I +intend to introduce new methods into the army." + +Barefoot was fifty years old; he had a bald head shaped like an egg. +He had just enlisted to serve his King and country, and was +overflowing with goodwill. + +The next morning twenty of his men were dead-drunk, two were absent +at roll-call, and Sergeant Scott had a scar on his nose which seemed +to be the result of a somewhat sudden encounter with mother earth. + +"No matter," said the worthy N.C.O., "Barefoot is an ass, and never +notices anything." + +Next day the first batch of Portuguese troops arrived. British tugs +towed the huge transports round the tiny harbour with graceful ease, +and the decks seethed with masses of troops. The harbour captain and +the _Ponts et Chaussees_ engineer were loud in protest against these +wonders, as being "contrary to the ideas of the Service." The wharves +were filled with motor lorries, mountains of pressed hay, sacks of +oats and boxes of biscuits. + +Colonel Musgrave, who was to take charge of this treasure-store, +began to make his plan of campaign. + +"To-morrow, Friday," he said, "there will be a parade on the wharf at +7 a.m. I shall hold an inspection myself before work is begun." + +On Friday morning at seven, Barefoot, his labourers and the lorries +were all paraded on the wharf in excellent order. At eight the +colonel got up, had his bath and shaved. Then he partook of eggs and +bacon, bread and jam, and drank two cups of tea. Towards nine o'clock +his car took him to the wharf. When he saw the men standing +motionless, the officer saluting and the lorries all in a row, +his face went as red as a brick, and he stood up in his car and +addressed them angrily: + +"So you are incapable of the slightest initiative! If I am absent for +an hour, detained by more important work, everything comes to a +standstill! I see I cannot rely on anyone here except myself!" + +The same evening he called the officers together. + +"To-morrow, Saturday," he said, "there will be a parade at 7 a. +m.--and this time I shall be there." + +The next morning Barefoot with his men and lorries paraded once more +on the wharf, with a sea-wind sweeping an icy rain into their faces. +At half-past seven the lieutenant took action. + +"We will start work," he said. "The colonel was quite right yesterday +and spoke like a real business man. In our respect for narrow +formalism, we stupidly wasted a whole morning's work." + +So his men began to pile up the cases, the lorries started to move +the sacks of oats, and the day's work was pretty well advanced when +Colonel Musgrave appeared. Having had his bath and shaved, and +absorbed poached eggs on toast, bread, marmalade and three cups of +tea, he had not been able to be ready before ten. Suddenly coming +upon all this healthy bustle, he leaped out of his car, and angrily +addressed the eager Barefoot, who was approaching him with a modest +smile. + +"Who has had the impudence to call the men off parade before my +arrival?" he said. "So if I happen to be detained elsewhere by more +important work, my orders are simply disregarded! I see again that I +cannot rely on anyone here except myself!" + +Meanwhile the crestfallen Barefoot was meditating upon the mysterious +ways of the army. Musgrave inspected the work and decided that +everything was to be done all over again. The biscuits were to be +put in the shed where the oats had been piled, and the oats were to +be put out in the open where the biscuits had been. The meat was to +change places with the jam, and the mustard with the bacon. The +lorries were to take away again everything they had just brought up. +So that when lunch-time arrived, everything was in exactly the same +state as it had been at dawn. The Admiralty announced the arrival of +a transport at two o'clock; the men were supposed to find their +rations ready for them upon landing. + +Musgrave very pluckily decided that the Labour Company were to have +no rest, and were just to be content with nibbling a light lunch +while they went on with their work. + +Barefoot, who had got up at six and was very hungry, approached the +colonel in fear and trembling. + +"May I leave my sergeant in charge for half an hour, sir?" he asked. +"He can do everything as well as I can. I should like just to run +along to the nearest cafe and have something warm to eat." + +Musgrave gazed at him in mournful astonishment. + +"Really," he said, "you young fellows don't seem to realize that +there's a war on." Whereupon he stepped into his car and drove off to +the hotel. + + * * * * * + +Barefoot, somewhat downcast, buttonholed the interpreter, who was +father-confessor to all Englishmen in distress. Aurelle begged him +not to get excited. + +"You are always talking about introducing your business methods into +the army. As if that were possible! Why, the objects of the two +things are entirely different. A business man is always looking +for work; an officer is always trying to avoid it. If you neglect +these principles, I can foresee an ignominious end in store for you, +Barefoot, and Colonel Musgrave will trample on your corpse." + +Now the thirty thousand Portuguese had been fed during their long +voyage on tinned food; and as the transports' holds were being +cleared, innumerable empty tins began to accumulate on the wharves. +Barefoot and his men were ordered to gather these tins together into +regular heaps. These grew so rapidly that the Mayor of the town was +exceedingly concerned to see such a waste of space in a harbour +already filled to bursting-point, and sent a pointed letter to +Colonel Musgrave, asking him to find some other place for his empty +tins. + +Colonel Musgrave ordered his interpreter to write an equally pointed +letter, reminding the Mayor of B---- that the removal of refuse was a +municipal concern, and that the British Army was therefore waiting +for the Town to hand over a plot of ground for the purpose. + +Barefoot happened to speak of this difficulty one day to the business +man at whose house he was billeted; and the latter told him that a +process had recently been discovered by which old tins could be +melted down and used again, and that a company had been floated to +work out the scheme; they would be sure to purchase Colonel +Musgrave's tins. + +The enthusiastic Barefoot began to see visions of profitable and +glorious enterprises. Not only would he rid his chief and the Mayor +of B---- of a lot of cumbersome salvage, but this modest contract for +some tens of tons might well serve as a model to those responsible +for the sale of the millions of empty tins scattered daily by the +British Army over the plains of Flanders and Artois. And the +Commander-in-Chief would call the attention of the War Office to the +fact that "Lieutenant E. W. Barefoot, by his bold and intelligent +initiative, had enabled salvage to be carried out to the extent of +several million pounds." + +"Aurelle," he said to the interpreter, "let's write to this company +immediately; we'll speak about it to the colonel when we get their +reply." + +The answer came by return; they were offered twenty francs per ton, +carriage at the company's cost. + +Barefoot explained his scheme to Colonel Musgrave with assumed +modesty, adding that it would be a good thing to flatten out the tins +before dispatching them, and that Sergeant Scott, who was a handy +man, could easily undertake the job. + +"First of all," said the colonel, "why can't you mind your own +business? Don't you know you are forbidden to correspond with +strangers upon matters pertaining to the service without consulting +your superior officers? And who told you _I_'ve not been thinking +for quite a long time of selling your damned tins? Do you think +things are as simple as all that in the army? Fetch Aurelle; I'm +going to see the superintendent of the French Customs." + +Three years' experience had taught Colonel Musgrave that the French +Customs Service were always to be relied on. + +"Kindly ask this gentleman whether the British Army, having imported +tins with their contents without paying any duty, has the right to +sell these tins empty in France?" + +"No," answered the official, when the colonel's question had been +translated to him, "there is an order from our headquarters about the +matter. The British Army must not carry on any sale of metal on +French soil." + +"Thank him very much," said the colonel, satisfied. + +"Now just look here," he said to Barefoot on returning, "what a nice +mess you would have made if I hadn't known my business. Let this be a +lesson to you. In future it will be better if you look after your men +and leave the rest to me. As for the tins, I have thought of a +solution which will satisfy everyone concerned." + +Next day Barefoot received orders to have the tins packed on lorries, +and carried in several loads to the end of the pier, whence they were +neatly cast into the sea. In this way the Mayor was spared the +trouble of finding a dumping-ground, the British Government paid for +the petrol consumed by the lorries, the _Ponts et Chaussees_ bore +the expense of the dredging, and, as Colonel Musgrave said, every one +was satisfied. + + * * * * * + +Colonel Parker, before rejoining the Division, wrote out a report, +as usual, about the operations at B----. + +"I beg to draw attention," the document ran, "to the excellent +organization of the Supply arrangements. Thirty thousand men have +been provided with rations in a harbour where no British base +existed. This result is due especially to the organizing abilities +displayed by Colonel A. C. Musgrave, C.M.G., D.S.O. (R.A.S.C.). +Although this officer has only recently been promoted, I consider it +my duty to recommend him ..." + +"What about Barefoot?" said Aurelle. "Couldn't he be made a captain?" + +"Barefoot? That damned shopkeeper fellow whom Musgrave told me about? +The man who wanted to introduce his methods into the army? He's a +public danger, my boy! But I can propose your friend Major Baraquin +for a C.M.G., if you like." + +"Baraquin?" Aurelle exclaimed in turn. "Why, he always refused +everything you asked him for." + +"Yes," said the colonel; "he's not very easy to get on with; he +doesn't understand things; but he's a soldier, every inch of him! I +like old Baraquin!" + + + + +CHAPTER V + +THE STORY OF PRIVATE BIGGS + + "La Nature fait peu de gens vaillants; c'est la bonne institution + et la discipline."--Charron. + + +The new padre was a stout, artless man with a kind face. He was only +just out from England, and delighted the general with his air of +innocent surprise. + +"What's making all that noise?" he asked. + +"Our guns," said Colonel Parker. + +"Really?" replied the padre, in mild astonishment. As he walked into +the camp, he was stopped by a sentry. + +"Who goes there?" + +"Friend," he answered. Then he went up to the man and added +anxiously, "I suppose that was the right thing to answer, wasn't +it?" + +The general was delighted at these stories, and asked the Rev. Mr. +Jeffries to take his meals at his own table. + +"Padre," he said, "don't you think our mess is a happy family?" + +"Padre," chimed in the doctor approvingly, "don't you think that this +mess has all the characteristics of a family? It is just a group of +people thrown together by chance, who never understand each other in +the least, who criticize one another severely, and are compelled by +circumstances to put up with each other." + +"There's nothing to joke about," said Colonel Parker. "It's these +compulsory associations that often give rise to the finest devotion." + +And being in a lively mood that evening, he related the story of +Private Biggs: + +"You remember Biggs, who used to be my orderly? He was a shy, +refined little fellow, who used to sell neckties in peace-time. He +loathed war, shells, blood and danger. + +"Well, at the end of 1916, the powers that be sent the battalion to +Gamaches training camp. A training camp, padre, is a plot of ground +traversed by imitation trenches, where officers who have never been +near the line teach war-worn veterans their business. + +"The officers in charge of these camps, having a _clientele_ to +satisfy, start some new fashion every season. This spring I +understand that 'open file' is to be the order of the day; last +autumn 'massed formation' was the watchword of the best firms. +There's a lot of talk been going on for some time, too, about 'firing +from the hip'; that's one of my friend Lamb's absolutely original +creations--a clever fellow that; he ought to do very well. + +"At Gamaches the officer in command was Major Macleod, a bloodthirsty +Scot whose hobby was bayonet work. He was very successful at showing +that, when all's said and done, it's the bayonet that wins battles. +Others before him have sworn that it is only hand-grenades, heavy +guns, or even cavalry that can give a decisive victory. But Macleod's +doctrine was original in one respect: he favoured moral suggestion +rather than actual practice for the manufacture of his soldiers. For +the somewhat repulsive slaughter of bayonet fighting he found it +necessary to inspire the men with a fierce hatred of the enemy. + +"For this purpose he had bags of straw stuffed to the shape of German +soldiers, adorned with a sort of German helmet and painted +field-grey, and these were given as targets to our Highlanders. + +"'Blood is flowing,' he used to repeat as the training proceeded, +'blood is flowing, and you must rejoice at the sight of it. Don't +get tender-hearted; just think only of stabbing in the right place. +To withdraw the bayonet from the corpse, place your foot on the +stomach.' + +"You can imagine how Biggs's soul revolted at these speeches. In vain +did Sergeant-Major Fairbanks of the Guards deliver himself of his +most bloodthirsty _repertoire_; Biggs's tender heart was +horror-struck at the idea of bowels and brains exposed, and it was +always owing to him that the most carefully-prepared charges were +deprived of the warlike frenzy demanded by Major Macleod. + +"'_As_ you were!' Sergeant-Major Fairbanks used to yell. '_As_ you +were! Now then, Private Biggs.' And after twenty attempts had failed, +he would conclude sadly, 'Well, boys, mark my words, come Judgment +Day, when we're all p'radin' for the final review an' the Lord comes +along, no sooner will the Archangel give the order, "'Tention!" than +'e'll 'ave to shout, "As you were! Now then, Private Biggs!"' + +"When the period of training was over, Macleod assembled all our men +in a large shed and gave 'em his celebrated lecture on 'hatred of the +enemy.' + +"I was really curious to hear him, because people at G.H.Q. were +always talking about the extraordinary influence he had over the +troops' _moral_. 'One of Macleod's speeches,' said the Chief of +Staff, 'does the Huns as much harm as ten batteries of heavy +howitzers.' + +"The lecturer began with a ghastly description of the shooting of +prisoners, and went on to a nauseating account of the effects of gas +and a terrible story about the crucifixion of a Canadian sergeant; +and then, when our flesh was creeping and our throats were dry, came +a really eloquent hymn of hate, ending with an appeal to the avenging +bayonet. + +"Macleod was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the sight of our +haggard faces; then, considering we were sufficiently worked up, he +went on: + +"'Now, if there is any one of you who wants anything explained, let +him speak up; I'm ready to answer any questions.' + +"Out of the silence came the still, small voice of Private Biggs. + +"'Please, sir?' + +"'Yes, my man,' said Major Macleod kindly. + +"'Please, sir, can you tell me how I can transfer to the Army Service +Corps?' + +"That evening, in the kitchen, our orderlies discussed the incident, +and discovered in course of conversation that Biggs had never killed +a man. All the others were tough old warriors, and they were much +astonished. + +"Kemble, the general's orderly, a giant with a dozen or so to his +account, was full of pity for the poor little Cockney. 'Mon, mon,' +he said, 'I can hardly believe ye. Why, never a single one? Not +even wounded?' + +"'No,' said Biggs, 'honest Injun. I run so slowly, I'm always the +last to get there--I never get a chance.' + +"Well, a few days later, the battalion was up in the line again, and +was sent into a little stunt opposite Fleurbaix, to straighten out a +salient. You remember, sir? It's one of the best things the Division +has ever done. + +"Artillery preparation, low barrage, cutting +communications--everything came off like clockwork, and we caught the +Boches in their holes like rabbits. + +"While the men were busy with their rifles, grenades and bayonets, +cleaning up the conquered trenches, suddenly a voice was heard +shouting: + +"'Harry, Harry, where are you?... Just send Biggs along here, will +you?... Pass the word along to Private Biggs.' + +"It was the voice of the Highlander, Kemble. Some giant grasped Biggs +by the seat of his trousers and swung him and his rifle up to the +parapet. Then two strong hands seized the little man, and he was +swung in mid-air from man to man right up the file till he was +finally handed over to Kemble, who seized him affectionately with his +left hand, and, full of joy at the dainty treat he had in store for +his friend, cried, 'Mon, mon, look in this wee hole: I've got twa of +'em at the end of my rifle, but I've kept 'em for you.' + +"This is a true story," added Colonel Parker, "and it shows once more +that the British soldier has a kind heart." + +The Rev. Mr. Jeffries had turned very pale. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +AN AIR RAID + + "I do not like seriousness. I think it is irreligious."--Chesterton. + + +"They'll be here soon," said Dr. O'Grady. "The moon is low, and the +shadows are long, and these oblique lights will suit them very well." + +The division was in rest on the hills overlooking Abbeville, and the +doctor was walking to and fro with Colonel Parker and Aurelle along +the lime-bordered terrace, from which they could see the town that +was going to be attacked. From the wet grassy lawns near by groups of +anxious women were scanning the horizon. + +"Yesterday evening, in a suburb," said Aurelle, "they killed a +baker's three children." + +"I am sorry," put in the doctor, "they should be favoured with this +fine weather. The law of the storm seems to be exactly the same for +these barbarians as it is for innocent birds. It's absolutely +contradictory to the notion of a just Divinity." + +"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you are an unbeliever." + +"No," replied the doctor, "I am an Irishman, and I respect the bitter +wisdom of the Catholic faith. But this universe of ours, I confess, +strikes me as completely non-moral. Shells and decorations fall +haphazard from above on the just and the unjust alike; M. Poincare's +carburettor gets out of order just as often as the Kaiser's. The Gods +have thrown up their job, and handed it over to the Fates. It is true +that Apollo, who is a well-behaved person, takes out his chariot +every morning; that may satisfy the poets and the astronomers, but it +distresses the moralist. How satisfactory it would be if the +resistance of the air were relative to the virtues of the airman, and +if Archimedes' principle did not apply to pirates!" + +"O'Grady," observed Colonel Parker, "you know the words of the psalm: +'As for the ungodly, it is not so with them; but they are like the +chaff which the wind scattereth away from the face of the earth.'" + +"Yes, colonel; but supposing you, a good man, and I, a sinner, were +suddenly hit by a bomb----" + +"But, doctor," Aurelle interrupted, "this science of yours is after +all only an act of faith." + +"How so, my boy? It is obvious that there are laws in this world. If +I press the trigger of this revolver, the bullet will fly out, and +if General Webb is given an Army Corps, General Bramble will have a +bilious attack." + +"Quite so, doctor; you observe a few series linked together, and you +conclude that the world is governed by laws. But the most important +facts--life, thought, love--elude your observations. You may perhaps +be sure that the sun is going to rise to-morrow morning, but you +don't know what Colonel Parker is going to say next minute. Yet you +assert that the colonel is a machine; that is because your religion +tells you to." + +"So does every one else's religion," said the doctor. "Only yesterday +I read in the Bishop of Broadfield's message: 'The prayers for rain +cannot take place this week, as the barometer is too high.'" + +Far away over the plain, in the direction of Amiens, the +star-sprinkled sky began to flicker with tiny, flashing points of +light. + +"Here they come," said Aurelle. + +"They'll be ten minutes yet," said the doctor. They resumed their +walk. + +"O'Grady," Colonel Parker put in, "you're getting more crazy every +day. You claim, if I comprehend your foolish ideas aright, that a +scientist can foretell rain better than an Anglican bishop. What a +magnificent paradox! Meteorology and medicine are far less solid +sciences than theology. _You_ say that the universe is governed by +laws, don't you? Nothing is less certain. It is true that chance +seems to have established a relative balance in the tiny corner of +the universe which we inhabit, but there is nothing to show that this +balance is going to last. If you were to press the trigger of this +revolver to-morrow, it is just possible that it would not go off. It +is also possible that the German aeroplanes will cease to fly, and +that General Bramble will take a dislike to the gramophone. _I_ +should not be surprised at any of these things; I should simply +recognize that supernatural forces had come into our lives." + +"Doctor," said Aurelle, "you know the clock which my orderly Brommit +winds up every evening? Let us suppose that on one of the molecules +that go to make up the minute-hand of that clock there live a race of +beings who are infinitely small, and yet as intelligent as we are. +These little creatures have measured their world, and have noticed +that the speed of its motion is constant; they have discovered that +their planet covers a fixed distance in a fixed period of time, which +for us is a minute and for them a century. Amongst their people there +are two schools of thought. The scientists claim that the laws of the +universe are immutable, and that no supernatural power can intervene +to change them. The believers admit the existence of these laws, but +they also assert that there is a divine being who can interfere with +their course; and to that being they address prayers. In that tiny +world, which of them is right? The believers, of course; for there is +such a being as Private Brommit, and if he forgets one evening to +wind up the clock, the scientists and all their proud theories will +vanish away like smoke in a cataclysm which will bring whole worlds +to their doom." + +"That's so," said the doctor; "but if they had prayed----" + +"Listen," interrupted Aurelle. + +The park had become strangely silent; and though there was no wind, +they could hear the gentle rustling of the leaves, the barking of a +dog in the valley, the crackling of a twig under a bird's weight. Up +above, in the clear sky, there was a feeling of some hostile +presence, and a disagreeable little buzzing sound, as though there +were some invisible mosquito up among the stars. + +"They're here now," said the doctor. + +The noise increased: a buzzing swarm of giant bees seemed to be +approaching the hill. + +Suddenly there was a long hiss, and a ray of light leaped forth from +the valley and began to search the sky with a sort of superhuman +thoroughness. The women on the lawn ran away to the shelter of the +trees. The short, sharp barking of the guns, the deeper rumble of the +bombs that were beginning to fall on the town, and the earth-shaking +explosions terrified them beyond endurance. + +"I'm going to shut my eyes," said one, "it's easier like that." + +"My God," exclaimed another, "I can't move my legs an inch!" + +"Fear," said the doctor, "shows itself in hereditary reflexes. Man, +when in danger, seeks the pack, and fright makes his flesh creep, +because his furred ancestors bristled all over when in combat, in +order to appear enormous and terrible." + +A terrific explosion shook the hill, and flames arose over the town. + +"They're aiming at the station," said the colonel. "Those +searchlights do more harm than good. They simply frame the target and +show it up." + +"When I was at Havre," Aurelle remarked, "a gunner went to ask the +Engineers for some searchlights that were rotting away in some store +or other. 'Quite impossible,' said the engineer; 'they're the war +reserve; we're forbidden to touch them.' He could never be brought to +understand that the war we were carrying on over here was the one +that was specified in his schedule." + +The great panting and throbbing of an aeroplane was coming nearer, +and the whole sky was quivering with the noise of machinery like a +huge factory. + +"My God," exclaimed the doctor, "we're in for it this time!" + +But the stars twinkled gently on, and above the din they heard the +clear, delicate notes of a bird's song--just as though the throbbing +motors, the whizzing shells and the frightened wailing of the women +were nothing but the harmonies devised by the divine composer of some +military-pastoral symphony to sustain the slender melody of a bird. + +"Listen," whispered Colonel Parker, "listen--a nightingale!" + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +LOVE AND THE INFANT DUNDAS + + "... Of which, if thou be a severe sour-complexion'd man, then I + hereby disallow thee to be a competent judge."--_The Compleat + Angler._ + + +The Infant Dundas struck up a rag-time on the sergeant-major's +typewriter, did a juggling turn with the army list, and let forth a +few hunting yells; then, seeing that the interpreter had reached the +required state of exasperation, he said: + +"Aurelle, why should we stay in this camp? Let's go into the town; +I'll get hold of the Intelligence car, and we'll go and see +Germaine." + +Germaine was a pretty, friendly girl who sold novels, chocolates and +electric lamps at Abbeville. Dundas, who was not interested in +women, pretended to have a discreet passion for her; in his mind +France was associated with the idea of love-affairs, and he thought +it the right thing to have a girl-friend there, just as he would have +thought it correct to hunt in Ireland, or to ski at St. Moritz. + +But when Germaine, with feigned timidity, directed on him the slowly +dwindling fire of her gaze, Dundas was afraid to put his arm round +her waist; this rosy-cheeked giant, who was a champion boxer and had +been wounded five times, was as bashful and shy as a child. + +"Good morning," he would say with a blush. + +"Good morning," Germaine would answer, adding in a lower voice for +Aurelle's benefit, "Tell him to buy something." + +In vain did Aurelle endeavour to find books for the Infant. French +novels bored him; only the elder Dumas and Alphonse Daudet found +favour in his eyes. Dundas would buy his seventeenth electric lamp, +stop a few minutes on the doorstep to play with Germaine's black dog +Dick, and then say good-bye, giving her hand a long squeeze and going +away perfectly happy in the thought that he had done his duty and +gone on the spree in France in the correct manner. + +"A nice boy, your friend--but he is rather shy," she used to say. + +On Sundays she went for walks along the river with an enormous mother +and ungainly sisters, escorted gravely by Dundas. The mess did not +approve of these rustic idylls. + +"I saw him sitting beside her in a field," said Colonel Parker, "and +his horse was tied to a tree. I think it's disgusting." + +"It's shameful," said the padre. + +"I'll speak to him about it," said the general, "it's a disgrace to +the mess." + +Aurelle tried to speak up for his friend. + +"Maybe," said the doctor, "pleasure is a right in France, but in +England it's a crime. With you, Aurelle, when girls see you taking a +lady-friend out, their opinion of you goes up. In London, on the +other hand----" + +"Do you mean to say, doctor, that the English never flirt?" + +"They flirt more than you do, my boy; that's why they say less about +it. Austerity of doctrine bears a direct proportion to strength of +instinct. You like to discuss these matters, because you think +lightly of them, and in that we Irish resemble you. Our great +writers, such as Bernard Shaw, write thousands of paradoxes about +marriage, because their thoughts are chaste. The English are far more +prudish because their passions are stronger." + +"What's all this you're saying, doctor?" interrupted the general. "I +seem to be hearing very strange doctrines." + +"We're talking about French morals, sir." + +"Is it true, Messiou," inquired Colonel Parker, "that it is the +custom in France for a man to take his wife and his mistress to the +theatre together to the same box?" + +"You needn't try to convince Aurelle of your virtue, colonel," said +the doctor; "he's been living with you for four years, and he knows +you." + + * * * * * + +Meanwhile Dundas continued to go down into Abbeville every day and +meet his friend. The shelling had got very bad, and the inhabitants +began to leave the town. Germaine, however, remained calm. One day a +shell hit the shop next door to hers, and shattered the whole of +the whitewashed front of the house, and the plaster crumbling away +revealed a fine wooden building which for the last two centuries +had been concealing its splendid carved beams beneath a wretched +coat of whitewash. So also did Germaine, divested by danger of her +superficial vulgarity, suddenly show her mettle and prove herself +the daughter of a race of soldiers. + +Accordingly Dundas had conceived a warm and respectful friendship for +her. But he went no further until one day when the alarm caught them +together just as he was bidding her good-bye; then only did the +darkness and the pleasant excitement of danger cause him to forget +ceremony and convention for a few minutes. + +Next day Germaine presented the Infant with a fat yellow book; it was +Madame de Staels _Corinne_. The rosy-cheeked one looked askance at +the small closely printed pages. + +"Aurelle," he implored, "be a good chap and tell me what it's all +about--I'm not going to read the damned thing!" + +"It's the story of a young Scotch laird," replied Aurelle, "who wants +to marry a foreign girl against his family's wish." + +"My God!" exclaimed Dundas. "Do you think she expects me to marry +her? My cousin Lord Bamford married a dancer and he's very happy; +he's the gentleman and she has the brains. But in this case it's the +mother--she's a terrible creature!" + +"The Zulus," put in the doctor, who was listening, "have a religious +custom which forbids the bridegroom-elect to see his mother-in-law. +Should he happen but to see her footprints in the sand, he must turn +and flee. Nothing could be wiser; for love implies an absurd and +boundless admiration for the loved one, and her mother, appearing to +the lover in the very image of his beloved without the charm and +liveliness of youth, will deter him from that brief spell of folly +which is so necessary for the propagation of the species." + +"Some mothers are charming," argued Aurelle. + +"That's another danger," said the doctor, "for as the mother always +tends to live her daughter's emotional life, there is a constant risk +of her falling in love with her son-in-law." + +"My God!" cried Dundas, horror-struck. + +However, the German airmen set his fears at rest that very evening by +destroying half the town. The statue of Admiral Courbet in the middle +of the square near the bookseller's shop was hit by a bomb. The +admiral continued to point an outstretched finger towards the +station, but the bookseller cleared out. Germaine followed him +regretfully. + +As she was unable to take her dog Dick--a horrid mongrel, half-poodle +and half-spaniel--Dundas gravely consented to look after him. He +loved dogs with a sentimental warmth which he denied to men. Their +ideas interested him, their philosophy was the same as his, and he +used to talk to them for hours at a time like a nurse to her +children. + +The general and Colonel Parker were not a bit astonished when he +introduced Dick into the mess. They had found fault with him for +falling in love, but they approved of his adopting a dog. + +Dick, an Abbeville guttersnipe, was therefore admitted to the +refinements of the general's table. He remained, however, a rough son +of the people, and barked when Private Brommit appeared with the +meat. + +"Behave yourself, sir," Dundas said to him, genuinely shocked, +"behave yourself. A well-brought-up dog never, never does that. A +good dog never barks indoors, never, never, never." + +Germaine's pet was offended and disappeared for three days. The +orderlies reported he had been seen in the country in doubtful +company. At last he returned, cheerful and unkempt, with one ear torn +and one eye bleeding, and asked to be let in by barking merrily. + +"You're a very naughty dog, sir," said Dundas as he nursed him +adroitly, "a very, very bad little dog indeed." + +Whereupon he turned towards the general. + +"I'm very much afraid, sir," he said, "that this fellow Dick is not +quite a gentleman." + +"He's a French dog," replied General Bramble with sorrowful +forbearance. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +A GREAT CHEF + + "Le roi ordonnait le matin petit souper ou tres petit souper; + mais ce dernier etait abondant et de trois services sans le + fruit."--Saint-Simon. + + +In the month of February 1918, Aurelle was ordered by the French +mission at British G.H.Q. to report at the _sous-prefecture_ at +Abbeville and to hold himself for one day at the disposal of M. +Lucas, who would call for him in due course. + +Aurelle waited for some time for M. Lucas, who eventually appeared +escorted by an English chauffeur. He was a rather stout, clean-shaven +little man, and wore a well-made blue suit and a yachting cap. With +his hands in his pockets, his curt speech and the authority of his +demeanour, he looked every inch a man accustomed to command. + +"You are the interpreter from G.H.Q.?" he asked. "Have you a written +order?" + +Aurelle was obliged to admit he had only received an order by +telephone. + +"I can't understand it!" said M. Lucas. "The most necessary +precautions are neglected. Have you at least been told who I am? No? +Well, listen to me, my friend, and kindly hold your tongue for a +minute." + +He went and shut the door of the _sous-prefet's_ office, and came +back to the interpreter. "I am----" he began. + +He looked nervously about him, closed a window, and whispered very +softly, "I am His Majesty the King of England's chef." + +"Chef?" Aurelle repeated, not grasping his meaning. + +"His Majesty the King of England's chef," the great man deigned to +repeat, smiling kindly at the astonishment the young man showed at +this revelation. + +"You must know, my friend, that to-morrow the President of the +Republic is to be His Majesty's guest in this town. The activity of +the German airmen obliges us to keep the programme secret till the +last moment. However, I have been sent out in advance with Sir +Charles to inspect the British Officers' Club, where the lunch is to +take place. You are to accompany me there." + +So they set off for the former Chateau de Vauclere, now transformed +by British genius for comfort into an officers' club, Aurelle +escorting the royal cook and the equerry, who was an old English +gentleman with a pink face, white whiskers and grey spats. Above +their heads circled the squadron of aeroplanes which had been ordered +to protect the favoured city. + +During the drive, M. Lucas condescended to say a few words of +explanation. + +"Our lunch is to be quite informal; the menu very simple--ever since +the beginning of the war His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people--river trout, _tournedos aux pommes,_ some +fruit, and cider to drink." + +"But, Monsieur Lucas," interrupted Sir Charles timidly, "you know Her +Majesty prefers to drink milk." + +"The Queen will drink cider like every one else," replied the chef +curtly. + +Sir Charles was charmed with the paved courtyard of the chateau, the +brick and stone facade with its carved escutcheons, the simple +curves of the dining-room panelling, and the picture over the door, +which he attributed, not without reason, to Nattier. + +"It's very, very small," murmured M. Lucas pensively. "However, as +it's war-time----" + +Then he inquired about the kitchen. It was a vast and well-lighted +place; the red and white tiles on the polished floor shone brightly +in the sunshine; magnificent but useless copper saucepans hung upon +the walls. + +In front of the oven a cook in a white cap was at work with a few +assistants. Surprised by the noise, he turned round, and, suddenly +recognizing the man in the blue suit, went as white as his cap, and +dropped the pan he was holding in his hand. + +"You?" he exclaimed. + +"Yes, my friend," replied the august visitor quite simply. "What a +surprise to find you here! What a pleasure also," he added kindly. +"Ah, now I feel relieved! An alfresco meal, a strange kitchen like +this, made me very anxious, I must confess. But with such a +lieutenant as you, my dear friend, the battle is already half won." + +"Yes," he continued, turning towards Aurelle, who was gazing with +emotion upon the encounter and thinking of Napoleon entrusting his +cavalry to Ney on the eve of Waterloo, "it is a curious coincidence +to find Jean Paillard here. At the age of fifteen we made our +_debut_ together under the great Escoffier. When I was appointed +chef to the Ritz, Paillard took charge of the Carlton; when I took +Westminster, he accepted Norfolk." + +Having thus unconsciously delivered himself of this romantic +couplet--which goes to prove once again that poetry is the ancient +and natural expression of all true feeling--M. Lucas paused for a +moment, and, lowering his gaze, added in an infinitely expressive +undertone: + +"And here I am now with the King. What about you?" + +"I?" replied the other with a touch of shame. "It's only two months +since I was released; till then I was in the trenches." + +"What!" exclaimed M. Lucas, scandalized. "In the trenches? A chef +like you!" + +"Yes," answered Jean Paillard with dignity. "I was cook at G.H.Q." + +With a shrug of resignation the two artists deplored the waste of +talent for which armed democracies are responsible; and M. Lucas +began in resolute tones to announce his plan of campaign. He had the +curt precision which all great captains possess. + +"Since the war broke out, His Majesty has expressed a wish to be +rationed like his people. Therefore the menu is to be very simple: +_truite a la Bellevue, tournedos aux pommes_, some fruit.--Of course +there will have to be an entree and some dessert for the Staff. The +drink will be cider." + +"May I remind you, Monsieur Lucas," Sir Charles put in anxiously, +"that Her Majesty prefers to drink milk?" + +"I have already told you," said the chef, annoyed, "that the Queen +will drink cider like everybody else.... Nevertheless, Paillard, you +will kindly show me the contents of your cellar; there will, of +course, have to be wine for the Staff. The _tournedos_, I need hardly +say, are to be grilled over a charcoal fire, and larded, of course. +As to salad--seasoning, tomatoes and walnuts----" + +As he gave his orders, he illustrated their execution with gestures +of the utmost solemnity, and his hands moved busily amongst imaginary +saucepans. + +"The menu is short," he said, "but it must be perfect. The great cook +is better recognized by the perfection of a piece of beef--or let me +say rather by the seasoning of a salad--than by the richness of his +sweets. One of the finest successes in my career--the one I enjoy +recalling above all others--is that of having initiated the English +aristocracy into the mysteries of Camembert. The choice of fruit--now +I come to think of it, Paillard, have you any peaches?" + +"I should think we had!" said the latter, breaking open the lid of a +crate which revealed a number of delicately shaded ripe peaches +glowing in their beds of straw and cotton-wool. + +The chef took one and stroked it gently. + +"Paillard, Paillard," he said sadly, "do you call _these_ peaches? I +can see you have been a soldier, poor fellow. Never mind, I can send +the car to Montreuil." + +He remained a few minutes longer in meditation; then, satisfied at +last, he decided to leave the chateau. In the street, he took +Aurelle's arm very kindly. + +"My friend," he said, "I think that will do, thank you. And if you +ever have the opportunity of seeing Their Majesties, don't let it +slip by. In France, you have very wrong ideas, I assure you; since +the Revolution, you have a prejudice against Royal Families. It is +childish; you can take my word for it. I have been living with this +one for more than five years, and I assure you they are quite +respectable people." + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +PRELUDE A LA SOIREE D'UN GENERAL + + "... of cabbages and kings."--Lewis Carroll. + + +A blue forage-cap appeared under the flap of the camouflaged tent. + +"Messiou," cried the general, "we were beginning to despair of ever +seeing you again." + +"Yo-ho! Hello--o!" shouted the Infant Dundas. "I _am_ glad! Come and +have some lunch, old man." + +Aurelle, happy to find his friends again, fell to heartily on the +mutton, boiled potatoes and mint sauce. When they reached the cheese, +General Bramble questioned him about his journey. + +"Well, Messiou, what about your leave? What is Paris looking like +nowadays, and why did your mother the French Mission tell us she was +keeping you two days at Abbeville?" + +Aurelle told then the story of M. Lucas and of the King's visit. + +"What's that, Messiou?" said General Bramble. "You've seen our King? +Does he look well?" + +"Very well indeed, sir." + +"Good old George!" muttered the general tenderly. "Yes, he looked +quite well when he came here. Tell us that story of the cook over +again, Messiou; it's a jolly good story." + +Aurelle complied, and when he had done, he bent over towards Colonel +Parker and asked him why the general spoke of the King like an +affectionate nurse. + +"The King," said the colonel, "is much more to us than you might +imagine. To the general, who is an Etonian, he is a kind of +neighbour. To Dundas, he's the colonel of his regiment. To the padre, +he's the head of the Church. To an old Tory like me, he's the living +embodiment of England's traditions and prejudices, and the pledge of +her loyalty to them in the future. As for the paternal tone, that's +because for half a century the King was a Queen. Loyalism became an +attitude of protective chivalry; nothing could have consolidated the +dynasty more firmly. Royalty is beloved not only by the aristocracy +but by all classes. It's a great asset to a people without +imagination like ours to be able to see in one man the embodiment of +the nation." + +"Messiou," interposed the general, "didn't they give you an M.V.O. +for your services?" + +"What is that, sir--a new ribbon?" + +"My God!" exclaimed Dundas, much scandalized. "You've never heard of +the Victorian Order?" + +"When King Edward played bridge," said the general, "and his partner +left it to him at the right moment, the King used to declare with +great satisfaction, 'No trumps, and you're an M.V.O.!'" + +"The idea that a word from the sovereign's lips or the contact of his +person is sufficient to cure his subjects, is a very ancient and +beautiful one," said the colonel. "Before he started distributing +ribbons, the King used to cure scrofula. That excellent custom, +however, came to an end with William of Orange, who used to say to +the patient while he was operating, 'God give you better health and +more sense!'" + +"The King's taboo has also disappeared," said the doctor. + +"I can assure you," said Aurelle, "that his taboo is still effective. +On the platform before he arrived there were three A.P.M.'s bustling +about and chasing away the few spectators. As the train came into +the station one of them ran up to me and said, 'Are you the +interpreter on duty? Well, there's a seedy-looking chap over +there, who seems up to no good. Go and tell him from me that if he +doesn't clear out immediately I'll have him arrested.' I did so. +'Arrest me!' said the man. 'Why, I'm the special _commissaire de +police_ entrusted with the King's safety.'" + + * * * * * + +"Well, Messiou," inquired the general, "have you brought me back any +new records from Paris for my gramophone?" + +Aurelle unstrapped his kit and proceeded, not without some anxiety, +to unpack "Le Prelude a l'Apres-midi d'un Faune." + +"I don't know whether you'll like it, sir; it's modern French music." + +"I'm sure it's very fine, Messiou," said the general confidently. And +in the interest of international courtesy he immediately assumed +the beatific expression he usually kept for Caruso. + +After the first few notes, an air of bewilderment appeared upon his +kindly face. He looked at Aurelle, whom he was surprised to find +quite unmoved; at Colonel Parker, who was hard at work; at the +doctor, who was inclining his head and listening devoutly; and, +resigning himself to his fate, he waited for the end of the +acidulated and discordant noises. + +"Well, Messiou," he said when it was over, "it's very nice of you not +to have forgotten us--but----" + +"Yes," put in Colonel Parker, looking up, "but I'm damned if it's +music!" + +"What?" shouted the doctor, scandalized. "A masterpiece like that? +Not music?" + +"Come, come," said the general soothingly, "maybe it wasn't written +for the gramophone. But, doctor, I should like you to explain." + +"Have you seen the Russian Ballet, sir? The faun, lying on a rock, is +watching for the nymphs and playing in a monotonous key on his flute. +At last they appear, half dressed; he pursues them, but they fly +away, and one of them drops a sash, which is all he gets." + +"This is very interesting," said the general, much excited. "Wind up +the gramophone, Messiou, and give us the disc over again; I want to +see the half-dressed nymphs. Make a sign to me at the right moment." + +Once again the instrument filled the rustic dug-out with the wistful +grace of the Prelude. Aurelle murmured in a low voice: + + "Ce nymphes, je les veux perpetuer, si clair + Leur incarnat leger qu'il voltige dans l'air + Assoupi de sommeils touffus...." + +"Bravo, Messiou!" said the general, when the last notes rang out. "I +like it better already than I did the first time. I'm sure I'll get +used to it in the end." + +"I shan't," said Colonel Parker. "I shall always prefer 'God Save the +King.'" + +"Yes," replied the doctor; "but your children will hum 'Pelleas,' +and your grandchildren will say, 'Do you know that old tune that used +to be the rage in grandfather's time?' What you never can get used +to, colonel, is finding yourself in the presence of a somewhat more +complex work of art than the childish productions to which you are +accustomed. Nature is not simple; she takes the theme of a fox-trot +and makes a funeral march out of it; and it is just these +incongruities that are the essence of all poetry. I appeal to you for +an opinion, Aurelle, as a citizen of the country which has produced +Debussy and Mallarme." + +"Have you ever heard the excellent saying of Renoir, the old French +painter: 'Don't ask _me_,' he said, 'whether painting ought to be +subjective or objective; I confess I don't care a rap.'" + +"Ah, Messiou," sighed the general, "the confounded fellow was quite +right too!" + + + + +CHAPTER X + +PRIVATE BROMMIT'S CONVERSION + + "Paris vaut bien une messe."--Henri IV. + + +Aurelle was wakened every morning by Colonel Parker's orderly, a +tough, thick-set, astute old soldier, who expounded the unwritten +laws of the army for the benefit of the young Frenchman as he +dexterously folded his clothes. + +"You know, sir," he said, "'as 'ow the British Tommy 'as to go to +church in peace-time every blessed Sunday. When the time for p'rade +comes along, the orficer on dooty gives the order to fall in +accordin' to religions, an' the Church of England men, an' the +Presbyterians an' the Cath'lics is marched up to their services, +rifles an' all. + +"The orficer takes charge of one of the detachments, an' in the +others the senior N.C.O. for each religion marches at the head. +Wotever dodge you try on, there's no gettin' out of it. + +"When once you've gone an' accepted the King's shillin', it stands to +reason you've got to put up with lots o' things, but Church P'rade's +_the_ very limit. Don't you take me for a 'eathen, sir; I'm much more +of a believer than 'eaps of others. I don't mind singin' 'ymns, an' +when the preacher can talk a bit, I don't objeck to sermons. But what +used to get on my nerves was the cleanin' up Sunday mornin's. You've +only seen us in khaki; you don't know our peace-time church togs. +Some blasted togs they were too, an' no mistake--all glitterin' with +blinkin' red an' gold, an' covered with white beltin'. An' the +inspection before you start wasn't no joke, I can tell you. Many's +the weeks' pay I've 'ad stopped, all on account of Sunday mornin's. +I'm a pretty good soldier on active service, sir--why, you seen me at +Loos, didn't you?--but what I can't stick is all them barricks an' +fatigues an' cleanin' ups. + +"F'r a long time I used to say to myself, 'Brommit, my boy, you're a +blasted idiot--I can understand a young rookie with only two or three +years' service not managin' to get out of Church P'rade, but a +soldier of fifteen years' standin' ought to know the tricks of the +trade by this time. If _you_ can't manage to stop quietly in bed on +Sunday mornin's, you ain't worth yer service stripes,' I says. + +"But the more I thought about it the more 'opeless it seemed. Our +colonel was old W. J. Reid--Slippery Bill we used to call 'im, 'cos +'e was as slippery as a soapy plank! 'E _was_ an old monkey-face, +an' no mistake. + +"One day I was called up to the orderly-room to sign somethin' or +other, an' I sees a poster on the wall: 'Classification according to +religions'--neat little chart it was: 'Church of England, so +many--Presbyterians, so many--Catholics, so many.' You bet I didn't +pay much attention to the numbers. Wot caught my eye was a column +sayin', 'Wesleyans, None.' An' all of a sudden I saw my game. + +"'Wesleyans, None.' So there wasn't even a bloomin' Wesleyan N.C.O. +to take what Wesleyans there might be to chapel! Probably there +wasn't even one bloomin' Wesleyan minister in the little Irish town +where we was billeted. I saw myself at last stayin' in bed every +blessed Sunday mornin'. At the very worst, if that there little +religion 'ad a chapel, I'd be sent there on my own, and a detachment +of one can always be trusted to find its way about. Wesleyan--that +was the winner. + +"Still, I 'ad one anxiety to 'old me back: I didn't for the life of +me know what that there fancy religion might be. I'm not exackly a +pious bloke, but I'm a good Christian, an' I didn't want to make a +damned idiot o' myself. Besides, it would probably be a serious +matter, I thought, to change your religion in the army. P'r'aps I'd +'ave to see old Bill 'imself about it, an' Bill wasn't exactly one of +them fellers you can take in with some 'arf-baked tale. + +"It was no good trying to get to know anythink in barricks. I'd only +'ave attracted notice at an awkward moment. But I knew a girl in the +town as knew people 'oo knowed, so I asked 'er to make inquiries. + +"She gave me an A1 character. An' blowed if I 'adn't been an' found +quite a decent religion; it suited me down to the ground. O' course +you know 'oo Wesley was, sir? 'E was a feller as thought that bishops +an' chaplains in 'is time didn't act accordin' to Scripture. 'E +preached the return to poverty an' 'umbleness an' love of one's +neighbour. You bet the Church of England couldn't swallow that! On +the 'ole it was an 'onest kind of religion, an' a decent chap like me +might very well 'ave gone in for it without its appearin' too out o' +the way. + +"Well, when I'd got myself well primed up about old Wesley, I felt as +'ow a little interview with Bill wasn't such a terrible thing after +all. So I goes to see the sergeant-major, and tells 'im I wants to +speak to the colonel. + +"'Wot about?' 'e asks. + +"'Strickly privit,' I says. + +"'E'd 'ave liked to 'ave got my story out o' me then an' there, 'e +would, but I knew my only chance was to take Bill off 'is guard, so +I kep' the secret of my plan of attack. + +"'Well, Brommit,' says the old man quite pleasant like, 'have you got +any complaint to make?' + +"'No complaints, sir,' says I; 'everything's O.K. But I've asked +leave to speak to you, 'cos I wanted to tell you, sir, as 'ow I +intend to change my religion.' + +"I saw I'd got old Bill set for once, an' no mistake. + +"'Change your religion?' 'e says. 'Stuff and nonsense! Have you ever +heard of such a thing, sergeant-major? What's your religion at +present?' + +"'Church of England, sir; but I wish to be put down in future as +Wesleyan.' + +"'Well, I'm----! Who on earth put that notion into your head, my man? +Has the padre offended you, or what?' + +"'Oh no, sir, not at all; on the contrary, Mr. Morrison's always +been very kind to me. No, it ain't that at all, sir; but I don't +believe in the Church of England no more, that's all.' + +"'You don't believe any more...? What don't you believe? What do +_you_ know about beliefs and dogmas?' + +"'Why, sir, lots o' things,' I says. 'F'r instance, there's the +bishops; I don't 'old with their way of livin', sir.' + +"'By Jove, sergeant-major, do you hear this damned idiot? He doesn't +hold with the bishops' way of living! May I ask, Brommit, where you +have had occasion to observe the ways of bishops?' + +"'Well, sir, Wesley was a splendid fellow ...' An' off I starts to +spit out everythink my girl 'ad managed to get 'old of, without +lettin' 'im put in a word. You bet 'e'd 'ad enough of it after five +minutes. 'E'd 'ave liked to shut me up, but 'e couldn't do that +without grantin' me wot I was askin' for. There was no flies on +_my_ conversion, I can tell you; I 'ad real live scruples; I'd +been thinkin' too much. You can't punish a chap becos 'e thinks +too much. + +"The old man knew 'is job as well as I knew mine. 'E saw at once 'e +only 'ad one thing to do. + +"'All right,' 'e said. 'After all, it's your own affair, my man. +Sergeant-major, put him down as a Wesleyan. Brommit, you will come +back to my room on Friday evening, and meanwhile I will arrange +matters with the Wesleyan minister so that you can attend the +services. You know where he lives, of course?' + +"'No, sir, I don't know 'im.' + +"'That's rather strange. Well, never mind, I'll find him. Come back +on Friday, Brommit.' + +"Slippery old Bill! 'E knew a thing or two, 'e did! Next Friday +evenin', when I went up to 'im, 'e says: + +"'Ah! I've settled everything,' says 'e. 'I've seen the Wesleyan +minister, the Rev. Mr. Short. A charming man, Mr. Short. It's settled +with him that you're to go to chapel on Sunday mornings at nine and +on Sunday evenings at six. Yes, there are two services; Wesleyans are +very strict. Of course if by any chance you miss a service, Mr. Short +is sure to let me know, and I would take the necessary steps. But +there's no need to think of that, is there? A man who takes the +trouble to change his religion at the age of thirty is hardly likely +to miss a service. So that's all right, Brommit.' + +"Oh, damn cute 'e was, was Slippery Bill! Next Sunday off I goes to +the Reverend Short's chapel. Tall, lean chap 'e was, with a real +wicked face. 'E gave us an awful sermon all about 'ow we were to +reform our lives, an' about all the things we was to renounce in this +world, an' about the 'orrible fire as was awaitin' us in the next if +we didn't follow 'is advice. After the service Mr. Short comes up to +me an' asks me to stay on after the others. Blowed if 'e didn't keep +me till twelve o'clock jawin' me about the dooties my noo faith +brought me an' about wot I read an' 'oo I talked to. By the time I +got away from 'im I was 'arf stunned; an' I 'ad to go again in the +evenin'! + +"Every blinkin' Sunday the same thing 'appened. I used to spend the +'ole week swearin' and sendin' Short an' Wesley to the 'ottest place +in the world. Once I tried on not goin' to chapel; but the miserable +old 'ound split on me to the colonel, an' I 'ad a week's pay stopped. +Then that there blessed Congregation invented Friday evenin' +lectures; and the converted soldier, sent by kind permission of the +colonel, was the finest ornament they 'ad. + +"Well, wot put an end to my patience was a month later, when Short +'ad the cheek to jaw me personally about the girl I was walkin' out +with. I went clean mad then, an' was ready for anythink, even for +'avin' it out again with Bill, rather than put up with that maniac's +talk. + +"'Please, sir,' I tells the colonel, 'I'm sorry to trouble you again +with my religion, but this 'ere Wesleyanism don't satisfy me at all. +It ain't a bit wot I'd 'oped for.' + +"I expected to get jolly well strafed, but I didn't. Bill just looked +at me with a smile. + +"'That's all right, Brommit,' 'e said; 'the Government pays me for +looking after the moral health of my men. And may I inquire what +religion is at present enjoying the favour of your approval?' + +"'Well, sir, I don't see none at all. I've made myself a sort o' +religion o' my own--if you'll allow it, of course.' + +"'I? Why, it's none of _my_ business, Brommit. On the contrary, I +admire the vitality of your mind. You've evidently got beliefs of +your own; that's a very good sign indeed. It's just that they will +not admit the obligation of going to a place of public worship on a +Sunday, that's all. I presume I am taking you correctly?' + +"'Yes, sir, quite correctly.' + +"'What an admirable coincidence, Brommit! For a long time I've been +looking for somebody to scrub the stairs thoroughly on Sundays, while +the men are at church. Sergeant-major, put Brommit down as an +Agnostic--on permanent fatigue for scrubbing the stairs on Sunday +mornings.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +JUSTICE + + +The D.M.S. had sent round a note to all A.D.M.S.'s reminding them +that all officers and men were to be inoculated against typhoid +fever. So the A.D.M.S. of the Scottish Division ordered the different +units to send in a nominal roll of all those who had not been +inoculated. Most of the negligent confessed their sin; many of them +were believers, and those who were not, respected the customs of +their times and piously submitted to the ceremony. + +Only the 113th Battery, R.F.A., sent in the following roll: + + | Names. | Condition. | Reason given for | + | | | exemption. | + | | | | + | Capt. Cockell | | Do not believe in | + | Lieut. Little | Not yet inoculated. | the efficacy of | + | Lieut. M'Cracken | Refuse inoculation. | the operation. | + | | | | + +The A.D.M.S. in high dudgeon complained to the Staff and requested +the temporal powers to deliver the heretics over to the lancet. The +temporal powers, while paying due reverence to medical infallibility, +requested the A.D.M.S. to attempt a conversion. + +The 113th Battery was famous for its courage and its daring deeds. +Dr. O'Grady was entrusted with the mission of visiting Captain +Cockell and bringing that erring soul back to the fold. + +The gunners gave the doctor a warm welcome. Their dug-out was +comfortable, their arm-chairs, made by the men out of the branches of +fir-trees, were luxuriously low and deep. O'Grady dropped into one, +and looked about him anxiously. + +"It is a remarkable fact," he said, "that thirst and hunger should +make themselves felt by sensations in the mouth and stomach only, +and not in the rest of the body. At this very moment, when all my +organs are quite dry for lack of decent whisky, I am only warned +by the mucous membrane in my mouth----" + +"Orderly! The whisky! Quick!" shouted Captain Cockell. + +Whereupon the doctor, his mind set at rest, was able to explain the +object of his mission. + +"Doctor," answered Captain Cockell, "there is nothing I would not do +for you. But I consider anti-typhoid inoculation, next to poison-gas, +to be the most dangerous practice in this war." + +The doctor, who was a skilful reader of character, saw at once that +only liberal doctrines would help him to success. + +"Oh," he exclaimed genially, "you needn't think I share the usual +medical superstitions. But I do believe that inoculation has +practically done away with deaths caused by typhoid. Statistics +show----" + +"Doctor, you know as well as I do that statistics may be made to say +anything one likes. There are fewer cases of typhoid in this war than +in former wars simply because the general sanitary conditions are +much better. Besides, when a fellow who has been inoculated is silly +enough to be ill--and that _has_ been known to occur--you simply say, +'It isn't typhoid--it's para-typhoid.'" + +"Which is perfectly true," said the doctor; "the pseudo-bacillus----" + +"Oh, that stunt about the pseudo-bacillus! Next time you're wounded, +doctor, I'll say it was by a pseudo-shell!" + +"Very well, very well," said the doctor, somewhat nettled. "I'll just +wait till next time you're ill. Then we'll see whether you despise +doctors or not." + +"That's a poor argument, doctor, very poor indeed. I'm quite ready to +acknowledge that a sick man is in need of moral support and requires +the illusion of a remedy, just like a woman in love. Therefore +doctors are necessary, just like thought-readers. I simply submit it +should be recognized that both professions are of a similar order." + +The energetic Cockell had inspired his two young lieutenants with +respectful admiration. They remained as firm as he in their refusal; +and after an excellent lunch Dr. O'Grady returned to H.Q. and +informed his chief of the cynicism of the 113th Battery and the +obstinacy of the heretical sect in those parts. + +The A.D.M.S. sent the names of the three officers up to H.Q., and +demanded the general's authority to put a stop to this scandal; and +Colonel Parker promised to let the Corps know of the matter. + + * * * * * + +Some time before this, the French Government had placed at +the disposal of the British authorities a certain number of +"Legion of Honour" decorations--to wit, two Grand Officer's +badges, twelve Commander's cravats, twenty-four Officer's +rosettes, and a considerable number of Knight's crosses. + +The two Governments were in the habit of exchanging armfuls of +ribbons at regular intervals in this way, and the apportioning of +these trifles created a useful occupation for the numerous members of +all staffs and their still more numerous clerks. + +The distribution was performed according to wisely appointed rules. +Of each batch of decorations G.H.Q. took one half for its own +members, and passed on the other half to the Army Staffs. The Army +Staffs kept half of what they received, and passed on the remainder +to the Corps Staffs. The same method was applied right down to the +Battalion Staffs, and it will readily be observed (with the help of +an elementary arithmetical calculation) that the likelihood of the +men in the line ever receiving a foreign decoration was practically +nonexistent. + +The Scottish Division received as its share on this occasion three +crosses. Colonel Parker and the other demi-gods of the divisional +Olympus being already provided for, these were allotted to +dignitaries of minor importance. It was decided that one should be +given to Dr. O'Grady, who had done great service to the French +population (he had assisted a Belgian refugee in childbirth and she +had survived his ministrations). The second was marked down for the +D.A.D.O.S., and the third for the A.D.V.S., a genial fellow +who was very popular in the mess. + +The names of the three lucky men were handed by a Staff officer to an +intelligent clerk with orders to draw up immediately a set of nominal +rolls for the Corps. + +Unfortunately the clerk happened to be the very same man to whom +Colonel Parker had given the list of the three heretics of the 113th +Battery the day before. But who can blame him for having confused two +groups of three names? And who can blame the officer on duty for +having signed two nominal rolls without reading them? + +A month later, the Division was surprised to hear that Captain +Cockell and Lieutenants Little and M'Cracken had been made Knights of +the Legion of Honour. As they really deserved it, the choice caused +considerable astonishment and general rejoicing; and the three +warriors, happy to see three decorations reach them intact after +having passed through so many covetous hands, were loud in praise of +their superior officers' discrimination. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +VARIATIONS + + "I have no illusions left but the Archbishop of + Canterbury."--Sydney Smith. + + +"When I was attached to a field ambulance," said the doctor, "we had +three padres with us in the mess." + +"That was rather a large order," said the Rev. Mr. Jeffries. + +"It _was_ a large order," agreed the doctor, "but one of them anyway +was quite harmless. The R.C. padre spoke very little, ate an +enormous amount, and listened with infinite contempt to the +discussions of his colleagues. + +"I don't want to hurt your feelings, padre, but Catholicism is _the_ +only religion. A faith is only justified if it carries conviction. +What's the use of a creed or a dogma which is as transient as a +philosophy? Being condemned by my profession to study beings whose +moral balance is unstable, I am in a position to assert that the +Roman Church has a complete understanding of human nature. As a +psychologist and a doctor, I admire the uncompromising attitude of +the Councils. So much weakness and stupidity requires the firm +support of an authority without the slightest tolerance. The curative +value of a doctrine lies not in its logical truth, but in its +permanency." + +"It is quite true," said Colonel Parker, "that nothing short of the +rigid dictates of Catholicism could have prevented the Irish from +going completely mad. But don't judge every one from your own case, +O'Grady; the Saxons possess a solid, Protestant intelligence." + +"Well," the doctor continued, "our other two padres spent their +evenings trying to swallow each other up. One of them was Church of +England and the other Presbyterian; and they employed the most modern +commercial methods in their competition. Church of England found an +old gipsy cart which he set up at Dickebusch and from which he sold +chocolate to the Jocks; whereupon Church of Scotland installed a +telescope at Kruystraete to show them the stars. If the one formed a +cigar-trust, the other made a corner in cigarettes. If one of them +introduced a magic lantern, the other chartered a cinema. But the +permanent threat to the peace of the mess was undoubtedly the Baptist +question. + +"As we had no Baptist padre, the unfortunate soldiers of that +persuasion (of whom there were seven in the Division) could attend no +service. The astonishing thing was that they never seemed to realize +the extent of their misfortune. + +"On one point at any rate our two padres agreed: men could not be +left, in the dangerous zone in which we were then living, without the +consolations of religion. But both Church of England and Church of +Scotland each claimed the right to annex this tiny neutral +congregation. + +"'Excuse me,' said Church of Scotland; 'the Baptist, it is true, only +performs the immersion ceremony when the adult's faith is confirmed, +but on all other points he resembles the Presbyterian. His Church is +a democratic one and is opposed to episcopacy, like ours.' + +"'Pardon me,' said Church of England; 'the Baptist, in demanding a +return to the primitive form of the Sacrament, proves himself to be +the most conservative of all British Christians. Now every +one--including yourself--admits that the Church of England is the +most conservative of all the Reformed Churches. Besides----' + +"For hours at a time they used to go on like this, and the futile +discussion became even more annoying as I got to know the different +arguments as well as either of them. + +"One day I was sent up to the ambulance's advance post at Maple +Copse--you know, that little wood in front of Ypres." + +"Unhealthy spot that," said the general. + +"So unhealthy, sir, that while I was there a whizz-bang hit my +dug-out and blew my sergeant into small pieces, which remained +hanging on the branches of the trees. It was a pity, for he was the +best forward in the brigade football team. I put all I could find of +him into a cloth, announced the burial for the next day, and then, as +it was my turn to be relieved, I went back to the ambulance +headquarters. + +"My return was distinctly lively. On leaving the splendid trench +which is called Zillebeke Road, I was silly enough to cross the +exposed ground near the railway embankment. A machine gun thought it +rather amusing to have a pot at me from Hill 60----" + +"All right, doctor," said General Bramble, "spare us the details." + +"Well, just as I left Ypres, I came across a Ford car which took me +back to camp. In the mess I found Church of England and Church of +Scotland arguing away as usual, while Roman Church was reading his +breviary in a corner. + +"'Satan, whence comest thou?' one of them asked me. + +"'Well, gentlemen,' I replied, 'you ought to be glad to see me, +because I really am back from hell this time.' + +"And I told them my adventures, putting in a lot of local colour +about cannonades, explosions, whistling bullets and hailstorm +barrages, in a style worthy of our best war correspondents." + +"You old humbug!" grunted the colonel. + +"'By the way,' I concluded, 'I've got a job for one of you! +Freshwater, my sergeant, has been blown to bits, and what I could +collect of him is to be buried to-morrow morning. I'll give you the +route--Messines gate, Zillebeke----' + +"I saw the two padres' faces fall swiftly. + +"'What religion?' they both asked simultaneously. + +"'Baptist,' I replied carelessly. 'Have a cigarette, padre?' + +"The two enemies gazed attentively at the ceiling; Roman Church kept +his nose in his breviary and his ears well pricked up. + +"'Well,' said Church of England at length, 'I wouldn't mind going up +to Zillebeke. I've been in worse places to bury a man of my own +Church. But for a Baptist it strikes me, O'Grady----' + +"'Excuse me,' interrupted Church of Scotland. 'Baptism is the most +conservative form of British Christianity, and the Anglican Church +itself boasts----' + +"'I dare say, I dare say,' said the other, 'but is not the Baptist +Church a democratic one, like the Presbyterian?' + +"They might have gone on in this strain till the poor beggar was in +his grave, had not Roman Church suddenly interrupted in a mild voice, +without taking his nose out of his little book: + +"'I'll go, if you like.' + +"Hatred of Popery is the beginning of union, and they both went up +the line together." + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE CURE + + "Le _Schein_ et le _Wesen_ sont, pour l'esprit allemand, une seule + et meme chose."--Jacques Riviere. + + +"The only decent whisky," said the doctor, "is Irish whisky." +Whereupon he helped himself to a generous allowance of Scotch +whisky, and as they had just been talking about Ludendorff's coming +offensive, he began to discourse upon the Germans. + +"One of the most astounding things about German psychology," he said, +"is their passion for suggesting the appearance of results which they +know they are powerless to attain. A German general who is not in a +position to undertake a real offensive deludes himself into believing +that he will strike terror into his opponent by describing an absurd +and appalling attack in his reports; and a Solingen cutler, if he +cannot manufacture really sharp blades at the required price, will +endeavour to invoke a sort of metaphysical blade which can give its +owner the illusion of a useful instrument. + +"When once this trait of the national character is properly +understood, all the German shoddy which is so much talked about seems +no longer the swindling practice of dishonest tradesmen, but is +simply the material expression of their ingrained Kantianism, and +their congenital inability to distinguish Appearance from Reality. + +"At the sanatorium at Wiesdorf, where I was working when the war +broke out, this method was practised with quite unusual rigour. + +"Doctor Professor Baron von Goeteburg was a second-rate scientist, +and he knew it. He had made a lifelong study of the expression, +clothes and manners which would most successfully impress his clients +with the idea that he was the great physician he knew he could never +be. + +"After innumerable careful experiments, which do him the greatest +credit, he had decided on a pointed beard, a military expression, a +frock coat and a baron's title. + +"Everything in his admirable establishment bore the impress of the +kind of scientific precision which is the most striking hall-mark of +ignorance. The Wiesdorf sanatorium extracted from the human carcase +the maximum amount of formulae, scientific jargon and professional +fees which it could possibly yield. The patients felt themselves +surrounded by a pleasant and luxurious apparatus of diagnoses, +figures and diagrams. + +"Each patient had a suite of rooms furnished, in spite of a rather +obvious Munich atmosphere, with a sense of real comfort and order. +Each floor was under the supervision of a doctor, a lean, athletic +Swedish _masseur_ and a qualified nurse in a white apron. The nurses +were nearly all daughters of the nobility, whose happiness had been +sacrificed to the extravagance of their brothers, who were generally +captains in the Guards. The one attached to the floor I was in charge +of was a French Alsatian with an innocent, obstinate face, whom the +Germans called 'Schwester Therese,' and who asked me to call her +'Soeur Therese.' + +"The place was only opened in the spring of 1914, and from the very +first season its success had testified to the excellence of the +system. Photographs were published in all the fashionable papers, and +wealthy clients rushed in with alarming and automatic rapidity. + +"On my floor I had an old American, one James P. Griffith, an English +lady, the Duchess of Broadfield, and a Russian, Princess Uriassof. +None of these three patients displayed symptoms of any illness +whatsoever; they just complained of depression--nothing could amuse +them--and of an appetite which no dish could tempt. When the American +arrived, I considered it my duty to inform the professor of the +excellent health in which I found him. + +"'O'Grady,' he said, staring hard at me with his brilliant, +commanding eyes, 'kindly give yourself less trouble. Your patient is +suffering from congestion of the purse, and I think we shall be able +to give him some relief.' + +"The Duchess of Broadfield longed to put on flesh, and wept all day +long. 'Madam,' Sister Therese said to her, 'if you want to get +stouter, you ought to try and enjoy yourself.' That caused a nice +scene! I was obliged to explain to the nurse that the Duchess was on +no account to be spoken to before eleven in the morning, and that it +was improper to address her without calling her 'Your Grace!' + +"As to Princess Uriassof, she had been preceded by a courier, who had +burst into indignant exclamations at the sight of the Munich +furniture and had demanded genuine antiques. The professor smiled, +and summoned a furniture dealer and his cashier. Followed the +princess with twenty-three boxes and six servants. She was enormously +stout, cried the whole day long, and yearned to reduce her figure. + +"When the lift that was to take her down to the bathroom was not in +front of her door at the very second when she left her room, she used +to stamp her foot in anger, pull her maid's hair and shout: + +"'What? _I_ have to wait; _I_, Princess Uriassof?' + +"That was the kind of patient we had. Only once there came to my +floor a young fellow from the Argentine who really had something +wrong with his liver. I said to him, 'You are not well; you would do +better to go and see a doctor.' + +"Towards the 24th of July the newspapers seemed to cause the noble +clients of Wiesdorf sanatorium considerable anxiety. The note to +Servia, the letters they received from their homes, the clatter of +arms which was beginning to be heard throughout Europe, all began to +point to a vague danger which could not, of course, affect their +sacred persons, but might possibly hinder them from peacefully +cultivating the sufferings which were so dear to them. + +"The Duchess of Broadfield telegraphed to her nephew at the Foreign +Office and got no answer. Princess Uriassof began to hold mysterious +confabulations with her courier. + +"The German doctors soon restored every one's confidence; '_Unser +Friedens-Kaiser_ ... our peace-loving Emperor ... he is cruising on +his yacht ... he has not the slightest thought of war.' + +"The barometers of refreshment vendors are always at 'set-fair,' and +Professor von Goeteburg temporized with such authority and diplomacy +that he managed to keep his international _clientele_ for another +six days. + +"However, the peace-loving Emperor returned only to send threatening +telegrams, and on the 27th the danger became evident even to our +guests' bird-like intellects. + +"Princess Uriassof announced her departure, and sent her courier to +the bank to cash an enormous cheque. He came back with the message +that the bank no longer cashed foreign cheques; whereupon he +disappeared, and was never heard of again. The Princess was beside +herself with rage, and cried that she would have him knouted. She +summoned her German valet, but he was busy buckling on his +_Feldwebel_ uniform. She ordered her French chauffeur to be ready to +start instantly; I went down to the garage with the message myself so +as to get away from her, and discovered that the fellow was a +reservist from Saint-Mihiel, and had left with Her Highness' car to +join his regiment. + +"That morning for the first time, the Duchess and the Princess +condescended to notice the presence of James P. He had a magnificent +100 H.P. American car, and represented their only hope of getting +across the frontier. But James P. had no more petrol, and the Germans +refused to supply him with any, because his car had already been +earmarked for General von Schmack's Staff. + +"The same evening these first three victims of the war sat and +childishly discussed the situation in an untidy room on a bed which +nobody came to make. Their telegrams were no longer forwarded, their +money was worthless, and the German servants in the sanatorium +treated them more as prisoners than as patients. It seemed as though +their fortune and their greatness had suddenly abandoned them at the +first breath of war, like a slender veil torn by the wind from a +woman's shoulders. + +"James P. went to interview Dr. von Goeteburg, who answered him with +ironical politeness, and depicted the pitiable plight of a Germany +surrounded and attacked by a world of enemies. If, however, they were +willing to leave him the princess's pearl necklace as security, he +would consent to lend them the few marks they needed to cross the +frontier. + +"Towards midnight I entered the room where this Twilight of the Gods +was drawing to an end, and saw an astounding spectacle. The Duchess +of Broadfield and Princess Uriassof were attempting to pack their own +trunks. Their lack of experience was only too conspicuous. In every +corner there lay hats which had been crushed by their clumsy +attempts; the badly folded dresses swelled awkwardly and refused with +disgraceful obstinacy to allow the Princess to lock her trunks. +Vanquished at last by the stress of events against which she was +contending for the first time in her life, she sat down on a +portmanteau and burst into tears. The Duchess, who came of a less +fatalistic race, was still struggling, aided by James P., with two +rebellious valises. + +"I went and called Sister Therese, and with her made ready for their +departure. Hoping that England would declare war, I informed the +professor of my intention to accompany my patients. + +"The little Alsatian girl went and asked the German servants to +carry the luggage to the station for the last civilian train, which +was to leave at six in the morning. + +"I don't mind carrying anything for you, _Schwester_," said the hall +porter, "but I won't do a thing for those dogs of Russians and +English." + +"The Sister came back and said timidly, 'If the doctor and Your Grace +don't mind helping me, we might perhaps take at least some of these +things together.' + +"So Wiesdorf station beheld the extraordinary sight of the Duchess +pulling an enormous portmanteau and perspiring freely, and behind her +Princess Uriassof, James P., and myself, each pushing a wheelbarrow. +The station was already thronged with soldiers in _Feldgrau_. We were +ravenously hungry. I asked the young Alsatian girl to accompany me to +the refreshment-room, and she was able, thanks to her nurse's +bonnet, to obtain two pieces of extremely dry bread from the military +canteen. + +"I found my patients ensconced in a fourth-class carriage. Their eyes +were shut, they were leaning against the duty wooden back of the +seat, and on their faces was a smile of indescribable bliss. + +"The Princess greedily seized the piece of bread I handed her, took +an enormous bite out of it, and said to the Duchess: + +"'What nice bread!' + +"'What nice seats!' replied Her Grace, leaning voluptuously against +the hard, greasy boards." + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +THE BEGINNING OF THE END + + "All the way talking of Russia, which, he says, is a + sad place."--Pepys (Sept. 16th, 1664). + + +For three days our soldiers had been advancing over the devastated +plain of the Somme. The crests of the innumerable shell-holes gave +the country the appearance of a sort of frozen angry sea. The +victors were advancing light-heartedly, as though preceded by +invisible drums. + +It was just at the time when the German army was swaying and +tottering like a spent boxer awaiting the inevitable knock-out. + +The Division had suffered heavily. All along the roads they had seen +for the second time the sinister spectacle of villagers in flight +and furniture-laden carts drawn by bowed women. + +General Bramble had looked at the map with painful astonishment. He +had been ordered to resist at all costs along the trenches on the +green line; but when he reached the green line he had found no +trenches; the Chinamen who were to dig them were still at sea +somewhere near Suez. + +Then, in a corner of a ruined village, they had come across a green +felt hat and a fearsome moustache, which turned out reassuringly to +belong to a rocking, tottering old man; and the Tommies--who are a +primitive and adventurous race--were glad of the protection of this +wild old totem of the Frankish tribe. + +Then came motor-lorries to take the whole Division to the North, +and through all the bustle and disorder they were conscious of +a giant hand trying with prudent and skilful movements to +rebuild the line. + +"What can a general do?" the doctor had asked. "This war is too vast +to be affected by human volition. Victory will come through tiny, +decisive forces that have been at work since the beginning of the +world. Tolstoy's Kutusoff used to go to sleep in Council--yet he beat +Napoleon." + +"However vast the scale of circumstance may be," said the colonel, "a +man can change everything. A child cannot push a railway engine; yet +he can start it if he opens the right throttle. A man has only to +apply his will at the right place, and he will be master of the +world. Your determinism is nothing more than a paradox. You build a +cage round yourself and then are astonished you are a prisoner." + +They were going forward rapidly. Aurelle, mounted on his old white +Arab, trotted between the doctor and Colonel Parker. + +"Don't hold your horse in so tightly, Messiou; give him the rein." + +"But the road's full of holes, sir." + +"My dear chap, when a man is on a horse, the horse is always the more +intelligent of the pair." + +He slackened his mare's rein to pass by a huge shell-hole, and began +to talk of the peace that was at hand. + +"The most difficult thing of all," he said, "will be to preserve in +our victory the virtues that won it for us. Germany and Russia will +do their best to corrupt us. A dishonoured nation always tries to +bury its shame under the ruins of the victor's civilization. It's the +device of Samson; it's as old as history itself. Rome, surrounded by +vanquished and humbled nations, witnessed the lightning speed of +Judaic preaching, which was so much like the Bolshevism of our day. +The Russian ghettos of our capitals had their counterpart then in +the Syrian dens that swarmed in the large ports; that is where the +apostles of mystical communism preached most successfully. And +Juvenal and Tacitus, who were gentlemen, had good reason to detest +those anarchists, who condemned Roman civilization with the fanatical +fury of a Trotsky." + +"Yes," said the doctor, "the danger of these prolonged wars is that +they end by making the most unusual habits generally acceptable. They +require courage; and courage is a dangerous virtue, the mother of +revolutions. And it is not easy to accustom a nation of warriors to +render due obedience once more to second-rate politicians and +profiteers. The oligarchy of _parvenus_ which arose after the Punic +wars could not be respected as the Roman senate had been. They +possessed neither its hardihood nor its heroic parsimony. Bent only +on beautiful slaves, perfumes and luxuries, they sacrificed their +nascent influence to their passion for pleasure. They did not last +long." + +"It is quite certain," the colonel continued, "that in order to +survive, an aristocracy must be hard upon itself. Moral discipline is +indispensable to any class that wants to govern. If the industrial +middle class is to take our place, it will have to be austere and +hard. What sealed once and for all the doom of the Roman Senators was +the decadent Greek culture of their sons. Those young noblemen +affected an elegant dilettantism and toyed pleasantly with cultured +demagogy. Caesar in his youth, Aurelle, was rather like one of your +comfortable cultured French middle-class Socialists. His lifelong +dream was to lead a moderate reform party, but he was embittered by +the attacks of the Roman patricians. He is a type against whom our +Public Schools protect us pretty well. We also have our decadent +young lords, but the contempt of their own generation keeps them from +doing much harm." + +He stopped in order to salute a magpie--for he was very +superstitious--pointed with his cane to a tank that lay buried on its +back in the sand like a defeated tortoise, and went on: + +"Do you think you will have a revolution in France after the war? If +you do, I shall be very much surprised. Up till now the remembrance +of 1793 has kept us looking with apprehension towards France as the +danger-spot of Europe. To-day we realize our mistake. + +"1793 made your country more conservative than any other, by giving +your peasants the possession of the soil. It will probably be seen +some years hence that the Russian Revolution has also had the same +effect. The revolution will end when the Red armies return to Moscow +and some unemployed Bonapartsky has the Soviets dispersed by his +grenadiers. Then the _moujiks_ who have acquired the national +property will form the first layer of a respectable liberal bourgeois +republic." + +"Unless," said Aurelle, "Bonapartsky, having tasted the sweets of +victory, sets out to conquer Europe with the help of his trusty +grenadiers. Between the Terror and 'the respectable republic' there +were twenty years of war, sir." + +"The most terrible of all revolutions," began the doctor, "will be +the English one. In France the intellectual is popular; the tribune +of the people is a bearded professor with the kindest of hearts. In +England the people's commissary will be a hard, clean-shaven, silent, +cruel man." + +"That may be," said the colonel; "but he will find more silent and +still harder men up against him. If you think we are going to lie +down and submit like the fatalist nobles of Petrograd, you are +mistaken." + +"You, sir? And why the devil should _you_ defend business men and +profiteers whom you are never tired of sending to perdition?" + +"I shall not be defending profiteers, but a form of society which I +hold to be necessary. The institutions which our ancestors have +adopted after six thousand years' experience are worth ten times more +than the systems of foolish and boastful hotheads. I stand always for +what is." + +With a sweeping gesture the doctor pointed to the twisted, rusty +wire, the shattered walls, the mangled trees and the dense harvest of +wooden crosses that rose from the barren soil. + +"Allow me," he said, "to express the heartfelt admiration I feel +for this venerable civilization of yours, and let me contemplate the +fruits of these wise institutions which six thousand years have +consecrated for you. Six thousand years of war, six thousand years of +murder, six thousand years of misery, six thousand years of +prostitution; one half of mankind busy asphyxiating the other half; +famine in Europe, slavery in Asia, women sold in the streets of Paris +or London like matches or boot-laces--there is the glorious +achievement of our ancestors. It is well worth dying to defend, I +must confess!" + +"Yes, doctor," replied Aurelle; "but there are two sides to the +question: six thousand years of reform, six thousand years of revolt, +six thousand years of science, six thousand years of philosophy----" + +"Now don't you run away with the idea that I'm a revolutionary. As +far as I am concerned, the movements of men interest me no more than +those of the spiders or the dogs I am so fond of observing. I know +that all the speeches in the world will not prevent men from being +jealous monkeys always greedy for food, females and bright stones. It +is true that they know how to deck out their desires with a somewhat +brilliant and delusive ideology, but it is easy for an expert to +recognize the instinct beneath the thought. Every doctrine is an +autobiography. Every philosophy demands a diagnosis. Tell me the +state of your digestion, and I shall tell you the state of your +mind." + +"Oh, doctor, if that is so, life is not worth living." + +"That, my boy, depends entirely upon the liver, as they say." + +Young Dundas, who had just reined up level with them, interposed: + +"My God, my God," he said, "how you chaps do love talking! Why, I +once had a discussion myself at Oxford with one of those johnnies in +a bowler hat and ready-made tie who go round and make speeches in +public squares on Saturday afternoons. I had stopped to listen to him +on my way back from a bathe. He was cursing the aristocracy, the +universities, and the world in general. Well, after about five +minutes' talking, I went right up to him and said, 'Off with your +coat, my friend; let's go into the matter thoroughly.'" + +"And did you convince him, Dundas?" + +"It wasn't very difficult, Messiou, because, honestly, I could use +my left better than he could." + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +DANSE MACABRE + + "Magical dancing still goes on in Europe to-day."--Sir James Fraser. + + +"Doctor," said General Bramble, "this morning I received from London +two new fox-trots for my gramophone." + +Ever since the Armistice sent the Scottish Division into rest on the +Norman coast, the Infant Dundas had been running a course of +dancing-lessons at the mess, which were patronized by the most +distinguished "red-hats." + +Aurelle emerged from behind an unfolded copy of the _Times_. + +"Things look very rotten," he said. "The Germans are taking heart +again; you are demobbing; the Americans are sailing away; and soon +only we and the Italians will be left alone to face the European +chaos----" + +"Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "take off your coat and come and +learn the one-step--that'll be a jolly sight better than sitting +moping there all the evening." + +"You know I don't dance, sir." + +"You're very silly," said Parker. "A man who doesn't dance is an +enemy of mankind. The dancer, like the bridge-player, cannot exist +without a partner, so he can't help being sociable. But you--why, a +book is all the company you want. You're a bad citizen." + +The doctor emptied his glass of brandy at one gulp, removed his coat, +and joined the colonel in his attack upon the young Frenchman. + +"A distinguished Irish naturalist, Mr. James Stephens," he said, "has +noticed that love of dancing varies according to innocence of +heart. Thus children, lambs and dogs like dancing. Policemen, lawyers +and fish dance very little because they are hard-hearted. Worms and +Members of Parliament, who, besides their remarkable all-round +culture, have many points in common, dance but rarely owing to the +thickness of the atmosphere in which they live. Frogs and high hills, +if we are to believe the Bible----" + +"Doctor," interrupted the general, "I put you in charge of the +gramophone; top speed, please." + +The orderlies pushed the table into a corner, and the aide-de-camp, +holding his general in a close embrace, piloted him respectfully but +rhythmically round the room. + +"One, two ... one, two. It's a simple walk, sir, but a sort of glide. +Your feet mustn't leave the ground." + +"Why not?" asked the general. + +"It's the rule. Now twinkle." + +"Twinkle? What's that?" asked the general. + +"It's a sort of hesitation, sir; you put out your left foot, then you +bring it sharply back against the right, and start again with the +right foot. Left, back again, and quickly right. Splendid, sir." + +The general, who was a man of precision, asked how many steps he was +to count before twinkling again. The rosy-cheeked one explained that +it didn't matter, you could change steps whenever you liked. + +"But look here," said General Bramble, "how is my partner to know +when I'm going to twinkle?" + +"Oh," said the aide-de-camp, "you must hold her near enough for her +to feel the slightest movement of your body." + +"Humph!" grunted the general. And after a moment's thought he added, +"Couldn't you get up some mixed dances here?" + +From the depths of the arm-chair came Aurelle's joyful approval. + +"I've never been able to make out," he said, "what pleasure you men +can find in dancing together. Dancing is a sentimental pantomime, a +kind of language of the body which allows it to express an +understanding which the soul dare not confess. What was dancing for +primitive man? Nothing but a barbaric form of love." + +"What a really French idea!" exclaimed Colonel Parker. "I should say +rather that love is a barbaric form of dancing. Love is animal; +dancing is human. It's more than an art; it's a sport." + +"Quite right," said Aurelle. "Since the British nation deems worthy +of the name of sport any exercise which is at once useless, tiring +and dangerous, I am quite ready to admit that dancing answers this +definition in every way. Nevertheless, among savages----" + +"Aurelle, my boy, don't talk to me about savages!" said Parker. +"You've never been out of your beloved Europe. Now I have lived among +the natives of Australia and Malay; and their dances were not +sentimental pantomimes, as you call them, at all, but warlike +exercises for their young soldiers, that took the place of our +Swedish drill and bayonet practice. Besides, it is not so very long +since these close embraces were adopted in our own countries. Your +minuets and pavanes were respecters of persons, and the ancients, who +liked looking at dancing girls, never stooped to twirling them +round." + +"That's quite easy to understand," put in the doctor. "What did they +want with dancing? The directness of their customs made such +artificial devices for personal contact quite unnecessary. It's only +our Victorian austerity which makes these rhythmical embraces so +attractive. Puritan America loves to waggle her hips, and----" + +"Doctor," said the general, "turn the record over, will you, and put +on speed eighty; it's a jazz." + +"What's worrying me," began Aurelle, who had returned once more to +his paper, "is that our oracles are taking the theory of nationality +so seriously. A nation is a living organism, but a nationality is +nothing. Take the Jugo-Slavs, for instance----" + +At that moment the doctor produced such an ear-splitting racket from +the gramophone that the interpreter let his _Times_ fall to the +ground. + +"By Jove!" he exclaimed; "have you broken it, doctor?" + +"Broken it?" repeated the doctor in mild surprise. + +"You don't mean to tell me that all that noise of broken crockery and +foghorns was deliberately put together by a human brain?" + +"You know nothing about it," said the doctor. "This negro music is +excellent stuff. Negroes are much finer artists than we are; they +alone can still feel the holy delirium which ranked the first singers +among the gods...." + +His voice was drowned by the sinister racket of the jazz, which made +a noise like a barrage of 4.2 howitzers in a thunderstorm. + +"Jazz!" shouted the general to his aide-de-camp, bostoning +majestically the while. "Jazz--Dundas, what _is_ jazz?" + +"Anything you like, sir," replied the rosy-cheeked one. "You've just +got to follow the music." + +"Humph!" said the general, much astonished. + +"Doctor," said Aurelle gravely, "we may now be witnessing the last +days of a civilization which with all its faults was not without a +certain grace. Don't you think that under the circumstances there +might be something better for us to do than tango awkwardly to this +ear-splitting din?" + +"My dear boy," said the doctor, "what would you do if some one stuck +a pin into your leg? Well, war and peace have driven more than one +spike into the hide of humanity; and of course she howls and dances +with the pain. It's just a natural reflex action. Why, they had a +fox-trot epidemic just like this after the Black Death in the +fourteenth century; only then they called it St. Vitus's dance." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +THE GLORY OF THE GARDEN + + "But the Glory of the Garden + Lies in more than meets the eye." + R. Kipling. + + +A farewell dinner was being given to Aurelle by the officers of +the Scottish Division, with whom he had spent four years of danger +and hardship. + +Before they sat down, they made him drink a cocktail and a glass of +sherry, and then an Italian vermouth tuned up with a drop of gin. +Their eager affection, and this curiously un-British mixing of +drinks, made him feel that on this last evening he was no longer a +member of the mess, but its guest. + +"I hope," said Colonel Parker, "that you will be a credit to the +education we have given you, and that you will at last manage to +empty your bottle of champagne without assistance." + +"I'll try," said Aurelle, "but the war has ended too soon, and I've +still a lot to learn." + +"That's a fact," grumbled the colonel. "This damned peace has come at +a most unfortunate moment. Everything was just beginning to get into +shape. I had just bought a cinema for the men; our gunners were +working better every day; there was a chance of my becoming a +general, and Dundas was teaching me jazz. And then the politicians +poke their noses in and go and make peace, and Clemenceau demobs +Aurelle! Life's just one damned thing after another!" + +"_Wee, Messiou_," sighed General Bramble, "it's a pity to see you +leaving us. Can't you stay another week?" + +"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm to be demobbed with the third batch, and +I've got my warrant in my pocket. I'm to report to-morrow at +Montreuil-sur-Mer; from there I shall be sent to Arras, and then +dispatched to Versailles, after which, if I survive the journey, I +shall be at liberty to return to Paris. I should be delighted to stay +a few days, but I suppose I must obey the pompous military maxim and +'share the fortunes of my comrades.'" + +"Why," said Colonel Parker, "are people so idiotic as to discharge +soldiers whose return is dreaded by civilians and whose presence is +necessary to the comfort of the Staff? We English adopted a much more +intelligent plan for _our_ demobilization. The men were to be +classified according to their professions, and were only to be +released when workmen of their occupation were required in England. +In this way we were to avoid unemployment trouble. All the details +were most clearly explained in a bulky volume; it was really an +excellent plan. Well, when it came to be actually worked, everything +went as badly as could be. Every one complained; there were small +riots which were dramatized in the newspapers; and after some weeks' +trial we returned to your system of classes, Aurelle, which makes for +equality and is idiotic." + +"It was easy to foresee," said the doctor, "that any regulation which +neglected human nature was bound to fail. Man, that absurd and +passionate animal, cannot thrive under an intelligent system. To be +acceptable to the majority a law must be unjust. The French +demobilization system is inane, and that is why it is so good." + +"Doctor," said the general, "I cannot allow you to say that the +French method is inane; this is the last evening Messiou is spending +with us, and I will not have him annoyed." + +"It doesn't matter a bit," said Aurelle; "neither of them knows what +he's talking about. It is quite true that things are going rather +better in France than elsewhere, in spite of absurd decrees and +orders. But that's not because our laws are unjust; it's because no +one takes them seriously. In England your weakness is that if you are +ordered to demobilize men by classes, you'll do it. We _say_ we're +doing it, but by means of all sorts of reprieves, small +irregularities and reasonable injustices, we manage _not_ to do it. +Some barbarous bureaucrat has decreed that the interpreter Aurelle +should, in order to be demobilized, accomplish the circuit +Montreuil-Arras-Versailles in a cattle-truck. It is futile and +vexatious; but do you suppose I shall do it? Never in your life! +Tomorrow morning I shall calmly proceed to Paris by the express. I +shall exhibit a paper covered with seals to a scribe at the G.M.P., +who will utter a few lamentations as a matter of form, and demobilize +me with much grumbling. With us the great principle of public justice +is that no one is supposed to respect the laws; this is what has +enabled us to beat Germany." + +"Humph!" muttered the general, much taken aback. + +"Doctor," said Colonel Parker, "help Messiou Aurelle to some +champagne; his mind is far too clear." + +Corks began to pop with the rapidity of machine guns. Colonel Parker +began a speech about the charming, kind and affectionate disposition +of the women of Burma; the doctor preferred Japanese women for +technical reasons. + +"French women are also very beautiful," said General Bramble +politely; for he could not forget this was Aurelle's farewell dinner. + +When the orderlies had brought the port, he struck the table twice +sharply with the handle of his knife, and said, with a pleasant +mixture of solemnity and geniality: + +"Now, gentlemen, as our friend is leaving us after having so +excellently represented his country amongst us for the last four +years, I propose that we drink his health with musical honours." + +All the officers stood up, glass in hand. Aurelle was about to follow +their example, when Colonel Parker crushed him with a whispered, +"_Assee, Messiou, poor l'amoor de Dee-er!_" And the Staff of the +Scottish Division proceeded to sing with the utmost solemnity, +keeping their eyes fixed upon the young Frenchman: + + "For he's a jolly good fellow, + And so say all of us...." + +Aurelle was deeply moved as he gazed at the friendly faces round him, +and reflected sadly that he was about to leave for ever the little +world in which he had been so happy. General Bramble was standing +gravely at attention, and singing as solemnly as if he were in his +pew in church: + + "For he's a jolly good fellow, + And so say all of us...." + +Then came much cheering, glasses were drained at a gulp, and young, +rosy-cheeked Dundas shouted, "Speech, Messiou, speech!" + +"Come, Aurelle," said Colonel Parker, "don't you believe you're going +to get out of it as easily as all that! You must get on your hind +legs, my boy, and do your bit." + + * * * * * + +"Ah, Messiou," said the general when the ceremony was over and the +brandy had followed the port, "I hope our two nations will remain +friends after this war." + +"How could it possibly be otherwise, sir? We cannot forget----" + +"The duration of our friendship," Colonel Parker put in, "depends +neither on you, Aurelle, nor on us. The Englishman as an individual +is sentimental and loyal, but he can only afford the luxury of these +noble sentiments because the British nation is imbued with a holy +selfishness. Albion is not perfidious, in spite of what your +countrymen used to say; but she cannot tolerate the existence of a +dominant power on the Continent. We love you dearly and sincerely, +but if you were to discover another Napoleon...." + +"Humph!" grunted the general, greatly shocked. "Have some more +brandy, Messiou?" + +"Everything will be all right," said the doctor cynically. "Your +cotton goods will always cost more than ours, and that is the surest +guarantee of friendship." + +"Why should they cost more?" carelessly asked Aurelle, in whose brain +the brandy was beginning to produce a pleasant misty feeling. + +"My boy," said the doctor, "your Napoleon, of whom Parker is so +afraid, said we were a nation of shopkeepers. We accept the +compliment, and our only regret is that we are unable to return it. +You have three national failings which will always prevent you from +being dangerous commercial competitors: you are economical, you are +simple and you are hard-working. That is what makes you a great +military people; the French soldiers got accustomed to the hardship +of trench life far more readily than ours. But in peace-time your +very virtues betray you. In that famous woollen stocking of yours you +hoard not only your francs but your initiative; and your upper +classes, being content with bathrooms which our farmers would +disdain, feel no call to go out and cultivate Indo-China. We never +invest a penny; so our children have no alternative but to go out +Empire-building. We must have comfort, which compels us to be +audacious; and we are extremely lazy, which makes us ingenious." + +At this point General Bramble began to emit the series of grunting +noises which invariably preceded his favourite anecdotes. + +"It is quite true," he said proudly, "that we are lazy. One day, just +after we had made an advance near Cambrai, and the position was still +uncertain, I sent out an aviator to fly over a little wood and report +whether the troops that occupied it were French, British or German. I +watched him executing my order, and when he came back he told me the +troops were British. 'Are you quite certain?' I asked, 'you didn't go +very low.' 'It was not necessary, sir. I knew if those men had been +busy digging trenches, I should have been uncertain whether they +were French or German; but as they were sitting on the grass, I'm +sure they are British.'" + +It was ten o'clock. The aide-de-camp poured out a whisky and soda for +his general. A silence ensued, and in the kitchen close by the +orderlies were heard singing the old war ditties, from "Tipperary" to +"The Yanks are coming," as was their nightly custom. They made a fine +bass chorus, in which the officers joined unconsciously. + +The singing excited Dundas, who began to yell "view-halloos" and +smack a whip he took down from the wall. The doctor found a Swiss +cowbell on the mantelpiece and rang it wildly. Colonel Parker took up +the tongs and began rapping out a furious fox-trot on the +mantelshelf, which the general accompanied from his armchair with a +beatific whistle. + +Of the end of the evening Aurelle had but a blurred remembrance. +Towards one o'clock in the morning he found himself squatting on the +floor drinking stout beside a little major, who was explaining to him +that he had never met more respectable women than at Port Said. + +Meanwhile Dundas started to chant a ditty about the virtues of one +notorious Molly O'Morgan; Colonel Parker repeated several times, +"Aurelle, my boy, don't forget that if Englishmen can afford to make +fools of themselves, it is only because England is such a devilishly +serious nation;" and Dr. O'Grady, who was getting to the sentimental +stage, sang many songs of his native land in a voice that was full of +tears. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +LETTER FROM COLONEL PARKER TO AURELLE + + "Tout homme de courage est homme de parole."--Corneille + + + Stapleton Hall, Stapleton, Kent. + _April --, 1920._ + +My Dear Aurelle,--Much water has passed beneath the bridges since +your last letter. For one thing, I have become a farmer. When I left +my staff job I thought of rejoining my old regiment; but it wasn't +easy, as the battalion is crammed full of former generals who are +only subalterns. + +They are treating the army very unfairly here. Our damned Parliament +refuses to vote it any money; very little is required of it, it's +true--it has merely to maintain order in Ireland and to guard the +Rhine, Mesopotamia, India, Egypt, Turkey, Palestine, Silesia, the +Caucasus and a few other countries the names of which I can't +remember! All I can say is, God help England! + +We farmers also can do with His help. April is the month for sowing, +and fine weather is necessary. As far as I am concerned, I had a +hundred acres of potatoes to sow, and I had made detailed +preparations for my spring offensive. But, as always happens when the +poor British start attacking, rain began falling in bucketfuls the +very first day of operations. The advance had to be stopped after a +few acres, and public opinion is really much exercised about the +matter. + +Now I want to answer your letter. You say, "Some of you in England +seem astonished that we refuse to trust the Germans. We are accused +of a lack of generosity. What a splendid piece of unconscious +humour! I'd like to see you in our shoes--suppose there were no sea +between those chaps and yourselves!" + +My dear Aurelle, I have often asked you not to confuse the English +people with their cursed Puritans. There have always been in this +country a large number of men who have done their best to destroy the +strength and reputation of our Empire. Up to the time of good Queen +Bess, these scoundrels were kept in their place, and I often regret I +was not born in those times. Since then the Puritan element has on +every occasion displayed its narrow-mindedness and its hatred of +patriotism and of everything beautiful and joyous. The Puritans +prefer their opinions to their country, which is an abominable +heresy. They brought the civil wars upon us at the time of the +Stuarts; they helped the rebels during the American War of +Independence and the French during their Revolution. They were +pro-Boers in the South African War, conscientious objectors in this +one, and now they are supporting the republican murderers in Ireland, +trying to undermine the British workman's faith in his King and +county cricket, and doing their best to encourage the Germans by +creating difficulties between France and ourselves. + +But you must not forget that the magnificent indifference and +ignorance of our race makes these pedants quite harmless. + +You ask me what the average British citizen thinks about it all. +Well, I'm going to tell you. + +What interests the average British citizen beyond everything is the +match between England and Scotland, which is to be played next +Saturday at Twickenham, the Grand National, which is to be run next +week at Liverpool, and Mrs. Bamberger's divorce, which fills the +newspapers just now. + +What does the British citizen think? Well, he went to the war without +knowing what it was all about, and he has come back from it without +having gathered any further information. As a matter of fact, he is +beginning to wonder who won it. You say it was Foch, and we are quite +ready to believe you; still, it seems to us that our army had a +little to do with it. The Italians say _they_ struck the decisive +blow; so do the Serbians and the Portuguese, of course. The Americans +go about wearing little badges in their buttonholes which proclaim, +"_We_ did it." Ludendorff claims that the German army won the war. +I am beginning to ask myself whether _I_ was not the victor. As a +matter of fact, I'm inclined to think it was you. You kept the Infant +Dundas quiet; if you hadn't repressed him, he would have kept +General Bramble from working; the general would have been nervous +at the time of the attack in April '18, and all would have been lost. + +As to international politics I have very little to tell you. I am +observing the bucolic mind, and am noticing with some anxiety that +the brain of the countryman is very much like the turnip he grows +with such perseverance. I am hoping I shall not also develop any +vegetable characteristics. + +You ask whether we are forgetting France. I don't think we are. Do +you know that we were ready to remit your war debts if America had +agreed? Not so bad for a nation of shopkeepers, is it? We don't brag +about our devotion, but we will be with you if anything goes wrong. I +trust you know us well enough to be quite assured of that. + +I am very busy this morning with my favourite sow, who has just +borne a litter of twelve. She immediately squashed one of them; King +Solomon was not such a clever judge as he looked, after all. Au +revoir. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +GENERAL BRAMBLE'S RETURN + + "The English have a mild aspect and a ringing, cheerful + voice."--Emerson. + + +"By Jove," said the Infant Dundas, "this Paris of yours _is_ a jolly +town." + +Beltara the painter had invited Aurelle to spend an evening in his +studio to meet General Bramble, who was passing through Paris on his +way to Constantinople, accompanied by Dundas and Dr. O'Grady. + +The general was sitting on a divan piled high with many-coloured +cushions, and gazing with emotion upon the sketch of a nude figure. +The Greek heads, Etruscan warriors and Egyptian scribes about him +had the rare and spiritual beauty of mutilated things. Aurelle gazed +at his old chief as he sat motionless among the statues, and +consecrated the brief moment of silence to the memory of his virtues. + +"A fine woman," exclaimed the general, "a very fine woman indeed! +What a pity I can't show you a few Soudan negresses, Beltara!" + +Beltara interrupted him to introduce one of his friends, Lieutenant +Vincent, a gunner with a frank, open face. The general, fixing his +clear gaze on Aurelle, tried to speak of France and England. + +"I'm glad, Messiou, that we've come to an understanding at last. I'm +not very well up in all this business, but I can't stand all these +bickering politicians." + +Aurelle was suddenly conscious of the general's real sincerity and +anxiety about the future. Lieutenant Vincent came up to them. He +had the rather wild, attractive grace of the present-day youth. As he +sat listening to General Bramble's words about English friendship, +his lips parted as though he was burning to break in. + +"Will you allow me, sir," he suddenly interrupted, "to tell you how +we look at it. Frankly speaking, you English were marvellous during +the war, but since the Armistice you have been on the wrong tack +entirely. You are on the wrong tack because you don't know the +Germans. Now I've just come back from Germany, and it is absolutely +clear that as soon as those fellows have enough to eat they'll fall +on us again. _You_ want to get their forgiveness for your victory. +But why should they accept their defeat? Would you accept it in their +place?" + +"The sense of shame after victory," said the doctor gently, "is a +sentiment quite natural to barbarous peoples. After employing the +utmost cruelty during the fight, they come and implore their +slaughtered enemies' pardon. 'Don't bear us a grudge for having cut +off your heads,' they say; 'if we had been less lucky you would have +cut off ours.' The English always go in for this kind of posthumous +politeness. They call it behaving like sportsmen. It's really a +survival of the 'enemy's taboo.'" + +"It would be quite all right," put in Lieutenant Vincent +breathlessly, "if you waited to appease the shades of your enemies +till you were quite certain they were really dead. But the Germans +are very much alive. Please understand, sir, that I'm speaking +absolutely without hate. What I mean is that we must destroy +Carthage--that is German military power--so completely that the very +idea of revenge will appear absurd to any German with an ounce of +common sense. As long as there exists at any time the barest chance +of an enterprise, they will attempt it. I don't blame them in the +least for it; in fact I admire them for not despairing of their +country; but our duty--and yours too--is to make such an enterprise +impossible." + +"Yes," said the general in rather feeble French; "but you can't hit a +man when he's down, can you?" + +"It's not a question of being down, sir. Do you know that the three +big gunpowder factories in Germany pay a dividend of fifteen per +cent.? Do you know that Krupp is building a factory in Finland in +order to escape our supervision? Do you realize that in ten years, if +we don't keep an eye on their chemical factories, the Germans will be +able to wage a frightful war against us, and use methods of which we +haven't the slightest inkling? Now why should we run this risk when +we are clearly in a position to take all precautions for some years +to come? Carthage _must_ be destroyed, sir. Why, just look at +Silesia...." + +"Every one's talking about Silesia," said the Infant Dundas. "What +_is_ it, really?" + +Vincent, waving his arms despairingly, went to the piano and played a +long, sad phrase of Borodin, the one which is sung by the recumbent +woman just before Prince Igor's dances. Before Aurelle's eyes floated +Northern landscapes, muddy fields and bleeding faces, mingling with +the women's bare shoulders and the silk embroideries in the studio. +He was suddenly seized by a healthy emotion, like a breath of fresh +air, which made him want to ride across the wide world beside General +Bramble. + +"Doctor, can't we remain 'musketeers'?" he said. + +"Can't be done," said the doctor sarcastically, "till this damned +peace ends." + +"You hateful person!" said Beltara. "Will you have a whisky and +soda?" + +"What!" exclaimed the general joyfully, "you've got whisky in the +house, here, in France?" + +"It is pleasant to notice," said the doctor, "that the war has been +of some use after all. Your whisky, Beltara, quite reassures me about +the League of Nations. As the Entente is necessary to the safety of +our two countries, the responsibility of preserving good relations +ought to be given to doctors and psychologists. Such experts would +make it their business to cultivate those sentiments which tend to +unite two countries into one. They would remind people, by means of +noise and military ceremonies, of the great things they had achieved +together. England would be represented at these functions, as she is +in the minds of most Frenchmen, by Scotchmen and Australians. +Bagpipes, kilts, bugles and tam-o'-shanters are far better +diplomatists than ambassadors are. Pageants, dances, a few +sentimental anecdotes, exchanges of song, common sports, common +drinks--these are the essence of a good international policy. The +Church, which is always so wise and so human, attaches as much +importance to works as to faith. The outward signs of friendship are +much more important than friendship itself, because they are +sufficient to support it." + +"Beltara," said the general, "will you ask your friend to play the +'Destiny Waltz' for Messiou?" + +Once more the familiar strains rang out, and brought to mind the +years of stress and happy comradeship. + +"Aurelle, do you remember Marguerite at Amiens--oh, and those two +little singers at Poperinghe whom I used to call Vaseline and +Glycerine? They sang English songs without understanding a word, with +the funniest accent in the world." + +"And the Outersteene innkeeper's pretty daughters, Aurelle? Did you +ever see them again?" + +"Goodness knows where they've got to, sir; Outersteene isn't rebuilt +yet." + +"You never got to Salonica, did you? We had Mirka there; a fine pair +of legs she had too!" + +Meanwhile the Infant Dundas had discovered that Lieutenant Vincent +played tennis, and had struck up a firm friendship. Taking hold of a +palette, he began to explain a few strokes. "Look here, old man, if +you cut your service towards the right, your ball will spin from +right to left, won't it?" + +Vincent, who had been somewhat reserved at first, was melting, like +so many others, before the youthful charm of the Happy Nation. + +Soon echoes of the hunt were heard in the studio, and Aurelle +received full upon his person an orange that spun from right to left. + +General Bramble took out his watch and reminded Aurelle he was taking +the Orient Express. Beltara escorted him to the door, and Aurelle, +Vincent and the Infant followed behind. + +"I like the Vincent boy," said the general to his host. "He's a +splendid fellow, really splendid! When he came in, I thought he was +English." + +Aurelle wished them a pleasant journey. + +"Well, good-bye, Dundas. It was nice seeing you again. I suppose +you're jolly glad you're going to Constantinople? I rather envy you." + +"Yes," said the Infant, "I'm quite bucked about it, because the +general who was there before us is leaving us a house that's got up +in absolutely British style; there's a bathroom and a tennis-court. +So I'll be able to go on practising my overhead service. Splendid, +isn't it?" + +They exchanged greetings and good wishes. The stars were shining in a +moonless sky. On the pavement in the avenue they heard the +aide-de-camp changing his step to fit his general's. The door closed +upon them. + +In the gallery, in front of the green bronze warriors with their +large, staring eyes, the three Frenchmen looked at one another, and +the corners of their mouths twitched with the same friendly smile. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +Minor typographical errors in the original have been silently +corrected. 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