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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/30625-8.txt b/30625-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..81e5240 --- /dev/null +++ b/30625-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1809 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +May 3, 1890., by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 3, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: December 7, 2009 [EBook #30625] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MAY 3, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +[Illustration] + +No. X.--TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE. + +Once more we draw upon our favourite source of inspiration--the poems of +the Misses TAYLOR. The dramatist is serenely confident that the new +London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that much-desired +official is appointed, will highly approve of this little piece on +account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to teach, +amongst other useful lessons, that--as the poem on which it is founded +puts it--"Fruit in lanes is seldom good"; also, that it is not always +prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder is distinctly +reprehensible, and should never be indulged in by persons who cannot +control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that suicide may often be +averted by the exercise of a little _savoir vivre._ + +CHARACTERS. + +_Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taylorian Twins, and awful examples)._ + +_Their Wicked Uncle (plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story, and +slightly altered)._ + +_Old Farmer Copeer (skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines)._ + +SCENE--_A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm; left, +some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries._ + +_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_. + +_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again + Till I have cooked the geese of TOM and JANE! + But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky, + For downright felonies I feel too funky! + I'd hire assassins--but of late the villains + Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's! + Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage + (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age! + So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) + I must myself get rid of TOM and JENNY. + Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter, + And can't make up my mind to risk a halter. + (_Looking off_). Ha, in the distance, JANE and little TOM I see! + These berries--(_meditatingly_)--why, it only needs diplomacy. + Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment! + + [_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ JANE + _and_ TOM _trip in, and regard him with + innocent wonder_. + +_Jane._ Uncle, what is the joke? why all this + merriment? + +_The W. U. (in guilty confusion)._ Not merriment, + my loves--a trifling spasm-- + Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em! + I'm feeling better than I did at first-- + You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with + thirst? [_Insidiously._ + +SONG, BY THE WICKED UNCLE. + + The sun is scorching overhead: the roads are dry and dusty; + And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're _thusty_! + They're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch them! + But--as your Uncle--I beseech you won't attempt to touch them? + +_Tommy and Jane (dutifully)._ We'll do whatever you beseech, and + not attempt to touch them! [_Annoyance of_ W. U. + +_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept, shuns; + And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions). + However freely you partake, it can't--as you are young--kill, + But should it cause a stomach-ache--well, don't you blame your Uncle! + +_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our + Uncle! + +_The W. U. (aside)._ They'll need no further personal assistance, + But take the bait when I am at a distance. + I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats, + (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets, + Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut! [_Stealing off._ + +_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going? + +_The W. U. (with assumed jauntiness)._ Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._ + +_Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries)._ I say, they _do_ look nice, + JANE, such a lot too! + +_Jane (demurely)._ Well, TOMMY, Uncle never told us _not_ to. + + [_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they + pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance + of delight._ + +_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance._) + +_Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full)._ These berries ain't so + bad--although they've far too much acidity. + +_Jane (ditto)._ To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity. + +_Tommy (rudely)._ But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with + wonderful avidity! + +_Jane (indignantly)._ No, that I'm not, so _there_ now! + +_Tommy (calmly)._ But you _are_! + +_Jane._ And so are _you_! + + [_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which + they gaze thoughtfully at each other._ + +_Jane._ This fruit is most refreshing--but it's curious how it cloys + on you! + +_Tommy (with anxiety)._ I wonder why all appetite for dinner it + destroys in you! + +_Jane._ Oh, TOMMY, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison + you? + +_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c. + + [_They dance as before._ + + _Tommy._ JANE, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity? + +_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity. + +_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity. + + [_Refrain as before: they dance with decreasing spirit, and + finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._ + +_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness. + +_Tommy._ My passing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness. + +_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness? + + [_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but + suddenly sit down side by side._ + +_Jane (with a gasp)._ I don't know what it is--but, + oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar! + +_Tommy (with a gulp)._ I've tumults taking place within that I may say + unruly are. + +_Jane._ Why, TOMMY, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are! + +_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now! + +_Jane._ But you _are_! + +_Tommy._ And so are _you_! + + [_Melancholy music; to which_ TOMMY _and_ JANE, _after a few convulsive + movements, gradually become inanimate. Enter old Farmer_ COPEER _from + gate, carrying a large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."_ + +_Farmer C._ It's time I gave the old bay mare + her drench. [_Stumbles over the children._ + What's here? A lifeless lad!--and little wench! + Been eatin' berries--where did they get _them_ idees? + For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar remedies. + I'll try 'em here--and if their state the worse is, + Why, they shall have them balls I give my 'erses! + + [_Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters._ + +_W. U._ The children--gone? yon bush of berries less full! + Hooray, my little stratagem's successful! + + [_Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C._ + +_Farmer C._ Been looking for your little niece and nephew? + +_The W. U._ Yes, searching for them everywhere-- + +_Farmer C. (ironically)._ Oh, _hev'_ you? + Then let me tell you, from all pain they're free, Sir. + +_The W. U. (falling on his knees)._ _I_ didn't poison them--it wasn't _me_, + Sir! + +_Farmer C._ I thought as much--a constable I'll run for. [_Exit._ + +_The W. U._ My wretched nerves again! _this_ time I'm done for! + Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is, + My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes! + [_Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remaining + berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect. + Re-enter_ TOM _and_ JANE _from gate, looking pale and limp. + Terror of the_ Wicked Uncle _as he turns and recognises them._ + +_The W. U. (with tremulous politeness)._ The shades of JANE and + TOMMY, I presume? [_Re-enter Farmer C._ + +_Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.)_ His Cattle Mixtures snatched us +from the Tomb! + +_The W. U. (with a flicker of hope)._ Why, then the selfsame drugs will +ease my torments! + +_Farmer C. (chuckling.)_ Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little +vormints! + +_The W. U. (bitterly)._ So out of life I must inglorious wriggle, + Pursued by TOMMY'S grin, and JENNY'S giggle! + + [_Dies in great agony, while_ TOMMY, JANE, _and_ Farmer COPEER + _look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY. + +_First Distinguished Colonist._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF +THAT NICE YOUNG FELLOW, LORD LIMPET, SINCE YOU CAME TO LONDON--THE MAN +WHO STAYED WITH YOU SO MANY MONTHS AT YOUR STATION LAST YEAR?" + +_Second Ditto, Ditto._ "OH YES! I MET HIM THE OTHER NIGHT AT LADY +BOVRIL'S RECEPTION, AND HE KINDLY BESTOWED UPON ME THE UNUSED HALF OF A +SMILE WHICH HE HAD PUT TOGETHER FOR A PASSING DUKE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW DANCE OF DEATH. + + "Starving to make a British holiday"-- + And plump his pockets with the _gobemouches'_ pay! + A pretty picture, full of fine humanity + And creditable to the public sanity! + "Sensation" is a most despotic master. + First HIGGINS and then SUCCI! Fast and faster + The flood of morbid sentiment rolls on. + Lion-kings die, and the Sword-swallower's gone + The way of all such horrors, slowly slain + By efforts to please curious brutes, for gain. + What next, and next? Stretch some one on the rack + And let him suffer publicly. 'Twill pack + The show with prurient pryers, and draw out + The ready shillings from the rabble rout + Of well-dressed quidnuncs, frivolous and fickle + Who'll pay for aught that their dull sense will tickle. + Look on, crass crowd; your money freely give + To see Sensation's victims die to live; + For Science knows, and says beneath her breath, + That this "Fast Life" (like other sorts) means Death! + + * * * * * + +RESOLUTIONS FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN LABOUR MEETING. + +(_Compiled with due regard to the International Idiosyncrasies._) + +_French._--That France contains the World, and Paris France. + +_Belgium._--That on the whole, the Slave Trade should be discouraged, as +it cannot be made to yield more than a safe 7 per cent. + +_Germany._--That the best way of showing love for the Fatherland is to +live in every other part of the universe. + +_Spain._--That it will be for the benefit of mankind to exterminate the +Portuguese. + +_Portugal._--That the interests of civilisation will be advanced by the +annihilation of the Spanish. + +_Russian._--That dynamite literally raises not only the mansions of the +nobles, but betters the homes of those who have been serfs. + +_British._--That the equality of man is proved by the fact that one +Englishman is worth a dozen foreigners. + +_American._--That everybody (except citizens of the U.S.A.) pay half a +dollar to the Treasurer right off the reel slick away, and that the sum +so collected be equally divided amongst those present. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Yes; it is a sovereign you owe me--but any time will do_;" _i.e._, "If +he has the least spark of honour he'll pay me now." + +"_Never saw you looking better! Magnificent colour!_" _i.e._, "Evidently +ripening for apoplectic fit." + +"_Pray bring your friend_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't he know how overcrowded my +rooms are already?" + +"_To be perfectly candid_;" _i.e._, "Not sorry to rub it in." + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_As yet nothing has transpired_;" _i.e._, The reporter was too late to +obtain any information. + +"_Detective Inspector Muggins is actively pursuing his inquiries_;" +_i.e._, Reporter thinks it as well to keep in with MUGGINS, who may be +useful in future. + +EPISTOLATORY. + +"_In great haste_;" _i.e._, "Must make some excuse for scrappiness." + +"_We were all so shocked at hearing of your sad bereavement_;" _i.e._, +"None of us knew her but myself, and _I_ thought her a Cat!" + +AT A DANCE. + +"_Let me get you a partner, Mr.--'er--'er Smith_;" _i.e._, "He'll do for +dowdy Miss JONES, who has only danced once the whole night." + +"_Shall we take a turn round now?_" _i.e._, "She can't waltz any more +than a crane, and parading is better than hopping." + +"_Not dancing to-night, Mr. Sprawle? Now, that's very naughty of you, +with so many nice girls here_;" _i.e._, "What an escape for the nice +girls!" + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_I_ hope _you brought your Music with you, dear_;" _i.e._, "If _only_ +she had left it in the cab!" + +"_I would with pleasure, but I've such a shocking cold that really, +&c._;" _i.e._, "I want a little more pressing, and then I'll come out +strong, and astonish them, I fancy." + +"_Oh do! We have been looking forward to your Banjo-solo all the +evening_;" _i.e._, "With horror!" + +CURIOMANIA, ETC. + +"_How delightful it must be to have such a hobby!_" _i.e._, "Thank +heavens, I am not so afflicted!" + +"_It must have cost you a heap of money_;" _i.e._, "How he's been +'done'!" + +"_What a wonderful collection of pictures you have here!_" _i.e._, "Must +say something. Wouldn't give ten pounds for the lot." + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_So glad you got into the same carriage. A little of your conversation +so lightens a long journey_;" _i.e._, "He'll talk my head off, and +render a nap impossible." + +"_Would you like to look at the papers?_" _i.e._, "May keep her tongue +still for a few minutes." + + * * * * * + +The Busy "B." + + [Mr. BANCROFT has just settled one theatrical difference, and now he + is engaged on a "far more delicate matter"; i.e., a dispute between + a Manager and an Actor.] + + How doth the little busy "B" + Employ each leisure hour? + + By arbitrating all the day + With great dramatic power. + + * * * * * + +EXTREMES MEET.--"_The Darkies' Africa_" is an Eastern entertainment at +Weston's Music Hall. + + * * * * * + +Couldn't Slander and Libel causes be appropriately heard in Sir JAMES +HANNEN'S Admiralty Court, as "Running Down Cases?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHEAP FARES. + +_Passengers._ "WE'RE FULL--THERE'S NO ROOM!" + +_Conductor._ "WE MUST MAKE ROOM FOR 'ER. THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE ON THE +NEAR SIDE 'ERE. B'SIDES YOU'RE ALL SHORT PENN'ORTHS, AND SHE'S A +FOURPENN'ORTH--GOES THE WHOLE WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE PROMISE OF MAY." + +(_As the Proletariat paints it._) + + "Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally + disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must + assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the + wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour. + Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria, + Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the + force of example operating through the modern facility of + communication. A universal movement in favour of shorter hours would + seem best fitted to secure the amelioration of the labourer's + lot."--_The Times._ + +_Enthusiastic Operative to his Bench-Mate, loquitur:--_ + + We must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade dear; + To-morrow'll be the biggest day of all the sad New Year; + Of all the sad New Year, mate, the biggest, brightest day; + For to-morrow's the First of May, chummy, to-morrow's _our_ First of May. + + There'll be many a dark, dark eye, chummy, by Thames, and Seine, and + Rhine, + There'll be SALISBURY, and CARNOT, and _Caprivi_ to peak and pine. + For there'll be a stir of the Labourer in every land, they say, + And Toil's to be Queen o' this May, chummy, Toil's to be Queen o' _this_ + May. + + I do sleep sound at night, chummy, but to-morrow morn I'll wake; + The Cry of the Crowd will sound aloud in my ear ere dawn shall break. + 'Twill muster with its booming bands and with its banners gay; + For to-morrow's the Feast of May, brother, to-morrow's our Feast of May. + + They've kept us scattered till now, comrade; but that no more may be: + Our shout goes up in unison by Thames, Seine, Rhine and Spree. + We are not the crushed-down crowd, chummy, we were but yesterday. + We're full of the Promise o' May, brother, mad with the Promise of May! + + They thought us wandering ghosts, brother. Divided strength is slight; + But what will they say when our myriads assemble in banded might? + They call us craven-hearted, but what matter what they say? + They'll know on the First o' May, brother; they'll learn on the First + o' May. + + They say ours is a dying cause, but that can never be: + There's many a heart as bold as TELL'S in the New Democracy. + There's many a million of stalwart lads who toil for poorish pay; + And they'll meet on the First o' May, brother, they'll speak on the + First o' May. + + The tramp of a myriad feet shall sound where the young Spring grass is + green, + Yon Emperor young shall hear, brother, and so shall our gracious QUEEN, + For Labour's hosts to all civic centres shall gather from far away; + The Champs de Mars shall greet Hyde Park on this glorious First o' May. + + The lime is budding forth, brother, lilac our cot embowers, + And the meadows soon shall be a-scent with the snowy hawthorn flowers; + But a bonnier sight shall be the tramping crowds in fustian grey, + Flushed with the Promise o' May, brother, the new-born Promise o' May. + + A wind is with their march, brother, that threatens old claims of Class, + And the grey Spring skies above them seem to brighten as they pass. + Pray heaven there'll be no drop o' rain the whole of the live-long day, + To sadden our First o' May, brother, to sadden our First o' May! + + The labourers of Paris, and the toilers of Berlin, + Will throng to shout for shorter hours, homes happier, and more "tin." + Why even the chilly Times, chummy, is almost constrained to say + There is sense in our First o' May, chummy, hope from our First o' May. + + The Governments are a-gog, brother, _Figaro_ owns as much; + Property quakes when the countless hands of Labour are in touch. + And from Bermondsey to Budapest they are in touch to-day, + Linked for the Feast of May, brother, linked for the Feast of May! + + So we must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade, dear; + To-morrow'll be the grandest day of all the green New Year; + To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest merriest day, + For Toil's to be Queen o' the May, brother. Labour is Queen 'o _this_ + May! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. X.--THE MARTYR _INCOMPRISE_. + +[Illustration] + +The Martyr _Incomprise_ is one who, having in her home erected a stake, +ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her +own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the +saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings +inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to +a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties +and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make +her happy. Time after time does this domestic Sisyphus roll the stone of +contentment up the hill of his wife's temper, and time after time does +it slip from his hands, and go clattering down into the plain of +despair. The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied +with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them +to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her +morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her +husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most +persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices, +it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her +undertaking. + +As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of +wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by +her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her +parents detest her, and desire her death. She will spend the next few +days with her breast luxuriously against the thorn of her fancied +sufferings. She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious +sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature +coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of +their victim with unavailing tears. A somewhat lax method of bringing up +will have enabled her to read many trashy novels. Out of these she +constructs an imaginary hero, all gushing tenderness and a tawny +moustache. Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the +latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former, +and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him +over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic +devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon +afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a +Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery +amidst the ruins. + +And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. She withdraws even +from the affectation of interest in her partner, his friends and his +pursuits. She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the +writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of +heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of +unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large +part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or +in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he +returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having +thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process, +into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband. + +She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female +friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his +house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the +story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of +disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend +the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their +pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality +they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy +him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make +some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their +eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a +tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was +of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She +will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest +herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in +hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it +when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly +resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital +manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman +having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended +rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he +should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler, +and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the +heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If +her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a +subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting +to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel, +whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an +unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe +her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be +sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind +him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care +with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he +countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to +understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she +will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will +be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and +reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and +seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that, +although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a +distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution +of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those +who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a +moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate +mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him +to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to +ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own +bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will +sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her +increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense +of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts +she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will +eventually have to do so. + +After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the +reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and +wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It +will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he +has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he +has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for +society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with +jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time +she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in +the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court +having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of +which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the +witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of +her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of +universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept +him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital +of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her +in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may +revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of +mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant. + + * * * * * + +MORE NOVELTIES.--Sir,--The Fasting Man seems to have been a great +success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating +Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk +incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess, +what a chance for Mr. GLADSTONE, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary +orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to +the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big +business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The +Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so +forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I +place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium. + +Yours, + + THE OTHER MAN. + + * * * * * + +YET ANOTHER QUARTERLY.--_Subjects of the Day_--sounds like an Algerian +publication--is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this +new quarterly review of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S is "_Post Tenebras Lux_" +which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this +comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is +Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader +well occupied till the appearance of No. 2. + + * * * * * + +THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT. + +(_Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E. +Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery, +Bond Street._) + +[Illustration: + +THE BRIAR-WOOD PIPE. EFFECT ON THE SMOKERS. + + The fateful odour fumes and goes + About the angle of the Nose. + +THE BED-ROOM. + + They smoked and smoked a pipe a-piece: + Thus did their drowsiness increase. + +SHORT CUT THROUGH THE GARDEN. + + The Maidens thought the pipe to fill: + They smoked, and now they all lie still. + +THE NOSE BOWER. _LA BELLE PIPE-EN-BOIS DORMANT._ + + _'Twas five o'clock, the hour of tea; + But, having smoked, they're as you see_.] + + * * * * * + +TIPS FROM THE TAPE. + +(_Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner._) + +EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest +in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all +classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special +"Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had +appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with +applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I +have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and +outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move, +telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of +"Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in +commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I +flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I +am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark. + +You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market, +and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular +investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving +some attention lately to + + PATAGONIAN CROCODILES, + +but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable +source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with +the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for +months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of +it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about + + HERNEBAY Z'S. + +This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in +October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4, +and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact +that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put +into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it +before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good +authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the +Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders +of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a +debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the +Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not +think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch +the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get +rid of your "Crocodiles." + +I subjoin some of my correspondence:-- + + DEAR SIR,--I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being + responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, + that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been + somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my + Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government + Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money + at the present moment is thus disposed of:-- + + Purchasing Present Last + Security. Price. Price. Div. + +£1000 Kangaroo Copper Trust 193 13-1/8 None + + 2000 Bursters' Patent Coffin Company 157 4 None + + 1000 Battersea Gold Syndicate 235 7-1/2 None + + 500 International Balloon Transit 170 Nil. None + + 500 Bolivian Spasmodics 194 9-1/8 None + +You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which +certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me. +What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold? + + A PUZZLED TRUSTEE. + +We should certainly hold. + + SIR,--Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I + have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, + however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads + properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, + and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages + have been brought against the concern. These having been successful + in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, + in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine? + + AN ANXIOUS SPECULATOR. + +Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise. + +You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of +others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the +wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a +doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one +were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten +who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks +in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I +have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I +have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the +sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system +three-and-sixpence will cover £500! Here will be a chance for even the +schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later. +Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I +can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the +fortune of every one concerned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Charles Wynd'em Up.] + +THEATRICAL SHORT SERVICE BILL.--CHARLES THE SECOND (WYNDHAM) is +following in the footsteps of CHARLES THE FIRST (MATHEWS) and beginning +to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a +three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. +At least, he is _Trying It On_. How far preferable, in the summer and +autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three +_entrées_, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. +The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an +hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for +the actor's art, too, by way of varying his _rôles_. The stall people +would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, +however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece +which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three +times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on +taking a quantity. + +There is a small fortune waiting for this CHARLES, or t'other CHARLES, +'yclept HAWTREY, whichever may take up the idea and work it. + + AUDI MAGISTRUM PUNCHIUM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WINDOW STUDIES. + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. (THREE CAB-RUNNERS AFTER ONE SMALL PORTMANTEAU.)] + + * * * * * + +STANLEY AFRICANUS! + +_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_ + + "MR. STANLEY, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume, + From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:; + But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land; + This is truly a most gratifying meeting! + Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush + There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery. + Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired + Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery. + "An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear + That at any rate you've earned that appellation. + True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system" + You have opened up no doubt to civilisation. + Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory + To have footed for the first time (save by savages), + The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid + Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages. + That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun, + As you found in that huge awful tract of forest, + And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out + Of all perils when your need was at the sorest. + Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men, + Must have tried your iron health and steely temper. + But, like SCIPIO of old, you 're as patient as you're bold, + And you turn up tough and timely, _idem semper_! + + STANLEY AFRICANUS! Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess, + For as stout a soul as PUBLIUS CORNELIUS; + And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman," + Though you once had many a foeman contumelious. + Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out + In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus: + Though when once they've had a look, HENRY mine, in your Big Book, + They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us. + Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch + With all that is humane, and wise, and manly. + Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent, + And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, STANLEY!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STANLEY AFRICANUS! + +MR. PUNCH (_saluting_). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In his _By Order of the Czar_ Mr. JOSEPH HATTON exposes the cruelties of +Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The +headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting +to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the +Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes +might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the +Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid +handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is +prohibited by the Government of the CZAR from circulation in Russia." +How fortunate--not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be +deprived of this treat--but how fortunate that it is not prohibited +_here_! With Mr. JOSEPH HATTON continuously in his thoughts, the BARON +has sung ever since--not only "_In the Gloaming_," be it understood, but +during the following day, and well into the succeeding night--"_Best_ +for him (J. H), _and best_ for me (B. DE B. W.)." The novel should have +a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has +been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia. + +Miss JEANIE MIDDLEMASS has made a step in the right direction by +publishing _Two False Moves_. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply +interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the +march in the circulating libraries. + +In _Miss Mephistopheles_, Mr. FEARGUS HUME gives us a story much in +advance of _The Mystery of a Hansom Cab_. It is better in construction, +its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is +superior--therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful +with the general public. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +COURT NAPPING. + +MRS. WOOD can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a _Dandy +Dick_, nor can Mr. PINERO hope always to be up to that really good +farcical standard. The good PINERO has nodded over this. _The Cabinet +Minister_ is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister +himself, Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, in his official costume, playing the flute, +is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. GILBERT'S +"_Wedding March_," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy +and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels, +reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in _Brantingham Hall_. The mother +of _The Macphail_--the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. B. +THOMAS) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,--is a +Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. RIGHTON might +look like in petticoats. Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S part is a very trying one, and +not what the public expect from her. + +[Illustration: Court in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a +few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.] + +Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. WEEDON +GROSSMITH, as _Joseph Lebanon_, comes on the scene in the Second Act, +when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed. +_Joseph_ remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the +behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his +level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as +we pity Mr. GUTHRIE'S _Pariah_, and as those who remember THEODORE +HOOK'S novel have pitied that wretched little cad, _Jack Brag_. The part +is not equal to _Aunt Jack's_ Solicitor, and had Mr. GROSSMITH, by the +kind permission of Mr. PINERO, departed from the conventional Adelphi +and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done +better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that +characterised the first performances of _Engaged_ at the Haymarket, +which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one +can possibly feel any interest in the lovers. + +As a rule Mr. PINERO'S stage-management is simple and effective: but +here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless +uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which +the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a +twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze +about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out +something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out, +"they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one +Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and, +with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive _lever de rideau_ +or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of _Dandy +Dick_. + + AMICUS CANDIDUS. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE. + +An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush. + +Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast. + +You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it +to keep its time _en route_. + +You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill. + +A Tea Duty will annoy for ever. + +It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting. + +Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care +of themselves. + +A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth +visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke. + +A School Board is soon parted from its money. + +Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him. + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE ROOSE'D TO IT,"--We've heard plenty about _diner à +la Roose_, and the _Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London +Life_, but now we are to have _Fasting à la Roose_. Vide article in May +number of _New Review_ on Fasting, by Dr. ROBINSON CRUSOE,--beg +pardon,--should have said Dr. ROBSON ROOSE O. Article not variation on +ROOSE O'S Dream, but thoroughly practical. + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Wednesday, April 30._--_Mr. Punch_ rises early and appears everywhere. +Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as +usual. Private Reception of Mr. STANLEY, I presume. No one admitted +without orders--on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by +his Hairdresser. + +_Thursday, May 1._--Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion +for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.--Edinburgh Exhibition. +Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by the eminent Explorer's +tailor, bootmaker, and hosier. + +_Friday, May 2._--Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington +House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet +day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow. +Deputation to Mr. H. M. STANLEY from Aquarium, to ask if he will take +SUCCI'S place. + +_Saturday._--Great Cooking Match at the Café Royal, Lunch Time, Trial +Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Snug little +dinner at Burlington House. Sir FREDERICK, P. R. A., in the chair. +Musical entertainment by Mr. WHISTLER. Fireworks by Mr. H-RRY F-RN-SS. + +_Sunday.--Dies Non._ No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere. +Private Banquet to Mr. STANLEY, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, +and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings. + +_Monday._--Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every +sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by +Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. SNOOKS'S first dance, if she has learnt it in +time for to-night. + +_Tuesday._--Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual +festival, ROBERT, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M. +STANLEY, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, +excursions, alarums. + +_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory +telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: The Scandinavian Composer.] + +_Tuesday, April 22._--Mr. BENNETT'S Libretto of _Thorgrim_ good from +literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer COWEN not +possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want. +Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received +with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration +shows the hand of a master, Master COWEN. Local colour good, but too +much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. McGUCKIN is _Thorgrim_ to the +life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss ZÉLIE DE LUSSAN +highly commendable. Miss TREMELLI, mother of _Helgi_ (an ugly name and +scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a +lady-villain. _Helgi_ and _Arnora_ are first cousins (not once removed) +to _Telrammond_ the Tedious and _Ortrude_ the Orful. Mr. CELLI as +_King_, a sort of Scandinavian BEAU BRUMMEL, imparts light comedy touch +to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. COWEN +called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of WALES, setting the best +example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and +remained to the end. + +_April 23._--_Maritana_ delighted everyone. Miss GEORGINA BURNS +splendid. Mr. JOHN CHILD, as _Cæsar_, good child. Mr. LESLIE CROTTY good +for _José_. + +_April 26._--_Lohengrin._ _King_ played by POPE with considerable amount +of temporal power. F. DAVIES good as the _Herald_, but which _Herald_ he +is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music +by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and +Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "_We won't go home till morning!_" + +Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian +Opera at Covent Garden. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS +COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS (Sheriff _in posse_, Alderman _in futuro_, and Lord +Mayor _in futurissimo_) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +The Duke of DUMPSHIRE seems to have been much annoyed by my statement +that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching +a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I +beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care +no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations +of Mr. JEREMY and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties +to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should +find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile +prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure +my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat +that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of DUMPSHIRE killed two +trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not +enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided +by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. JACOBS, who has no +aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket +Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is +suggestive. + +A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about _Bazaar_ by the +Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters. +_Bazaar_ is by _Rector_ out of _Church Mouse_, and in his pedigree are +to be found such well-known roarers as _Boanerges_ and _Hallelujah +Sal_--not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. JEREMY. His own +performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was +placed second at eight stone to _Candlestick_ in the Warmington Open +Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back, +and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the +All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough +of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair, +would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two +pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks +like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so +if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own +doors. + +The Marquis de MILLEPARDON has bought _Chowbock_ for £2000. At the last +Epsom Meeting _Chowbock_ showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East +wind, having cantered in from _Sister Mary_, who as good as walked round +_Vilikins_ when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on +the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that _Sister +Mary_ only got home by a length from _Smockfrock_, after having been +double-girthed and provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic, +anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the +Newmarket T. Y. C. + +Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the +present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr. +JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites. + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days +on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +"IS THIS A DAGGER THAT I SEE BEFORE ME?"] + + * * * * * + +HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY. + +(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._) + +Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN. +We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the +dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with +me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to +Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only +invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for +years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special +train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest +object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of +adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would +have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the +Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he +wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row +imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. +Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and +children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have +forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining +passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top. +High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red, +moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the +life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off. +The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white." +Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased +with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life +been on board a life-boat--when it was practising off Lynton. No more +stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased +with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover--when you stop +there. Glad I am not going to welcome STANLEY on the other side of the +Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital, +especially when you are travelling _en prince_. + +Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet JONES--of course, he is going to welcome +STANLEY. So are SNOOKS and SMITH. And, as I live, old TOMPKINS! Well, +this is very plucky of old TOMPKINS. Thought he was dead years ago. Says +he would not miss STANLEY for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to +welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But +sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is +going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from +Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet, +forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of +satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper +hustled--possibly mistaken for EMIN PASHA, who would be _de trop_ on +such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor SUCCI. +So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little +restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French _plats_ and some excellent +_Grave_. Know the _Grave_ of old--seldom asked for, and so kept long in +bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon +ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp +in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old TOMPKINS +(adventurous chap old TOMPKINS) SNOOKS, JONES, SMITH and BROWN. Thought +latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill. +Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome STANLEY. Meet +old TOMPKINS, SNOOKS, JONES and SMITH instead. They tell me that they +have all welcomed STANLEY. Found him being "run into" the train by two +policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he +now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have +missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop +into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow +travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One +satisfaction--BROWN didn't welcome him either. Why here _is_ BROWN on +the platform--do him a last good turn--describe STANLEY. I tell him that +the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit, +revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the _Daily +Graphic_! BROWN says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like _that_ +when _he_ saw him!" Appears BROWN put off trip to Canada to welcome him. +Can't be helped! Shall meet STANLEY somewhere (movements advertised +daily in the _Times_) and when I _do_ won't I give him a bit of my mind, +for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 21._--House really beginning to fill +up. HARTINGTON back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this +Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and +just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both +sides welcoming him with cheer. + +"We all like HARTINGTON," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "Of course we +liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep +straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he +was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude +towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce +CHAMBERLAIN. You see, when we howl at CHAMBERLAIN, they can't say we are +simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering HARTINGTON +as he returns to the fray." + +JOHN DILLON back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the +breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see JOHN back; first because +everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the SAGE +frankly acknowledges when cheering HARTINGTON. Even in the evil days +when JOHN DILLON used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of +defiance on Speaker BRAND, House didn't include him in same angry, +uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of WILLIAM O'BRIEN, +TIM HEALY, and dear old JOSEPH GILLIS. JOHN DILLON sometimes suspended; +occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity +of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to +say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well. + +[Illustration: The Sage.] + +"Yes, TOBY," said the SAGE, lighting another cigarette; "always well +when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom +you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one +high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that +THE MARKISS is a mere tool in hands of BISMARCK, I extol honest purposes +of OLD MORALITY; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception +as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy, +seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and +capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the MARKISS'S relations +with public affairs. The great thing, dear TOBY, in public controversy +is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that +a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, +do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an +opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his +colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer HARTINGTON to-night, and why +the Tories sometimes admit that JOHN DILLON'S an honest man." + +_Business done._--_Parnell_ moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill. + +_Tuesday._--COURTNEY on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he +is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is +seated at table as Chairman of Committees. SPEAKER, everyone sorry to +learn, is ill in bed. So COURTNEY doubles his part. Proceeding watched +with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten +seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. COURTNEY in Chair at +table; Mace off the table; TANNER on his legs. As hand of clock falters +over the numeral ten, COURTNEY gets up, says never a word, wheels to +right out of Chair and marches to rear. TANNER stops midway in sentence +and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on +to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of +COURTNEY, appalled by discovering him in SPEAKER'S Chair, quite a new +man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered +tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice, +as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass. + +[Illustration: Sergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).] + +"Only thing left to me, dear TOBY," he said, when I congratulated him on +his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible; +must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee +and SPEAKER; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little +out of my line, but practice makes perfect." + +At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by BARTLEY. +CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't +look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate +ferocity. _Sim Tappertit_ not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I +have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour; +but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a +conciliator." + +"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, _à propos_ of nothing. "You talk of +inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore? +Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised +conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes. +But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very +moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite +them to violence." + +After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see +Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right +and left, not sure that moment was not come, and SIMON CUNNINGHAME +TAPPERTIT GRAHAM was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the +Classes. "We must look out, BROADHURST," said JAMES ROWLANDS, nervously +rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I +think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a +sword-stick." + +_Business done._--Budget Resolutions through Committee. + +_Thursday Night._--HOME SECRETARY came down to-day in unusually good +spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme. +Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he +ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems +almost as if, after all, life for HOME SECRETARY would be worth living. +Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. +Land Purchase troubles, not the HOME SECRETARY, nor Bi-Metallism either. +RAIKES been doing something at the Post Office. GOSCHEN been tampering +with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with +the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that FERGUSSON'S look-out. True, ELCHO +wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in +chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about +it. But HOME SECRETARY able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains +were light. ELCHO blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested +in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after +what MATTHEWS had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the +chains themselves. + +Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating +Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly +up gets HARCOURT; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new +police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of +MATTHEWS. This red-hot building--its gables, its roofs, its windows, its +doorways, and its twisted knockers--was designed under his direction. It +is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. +What does HARCOURT want to know about it? Why is PLUNKET so studious in +repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded +House cheer and laugh when HARCOURT gives notice to call attention to +building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another +mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging +him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. +Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London +would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind. + +"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the +stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like +it," said HOME SECRETARY, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some +people, TOBY, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the +people of London." + +_Business done._--Debate on Land Purchase Bill. + +_Friday._--Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning +Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of +day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At +night, PROVAND on first with Dried Currants; MCLAREN to follow with +Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of +Closure, got into Committee of Supply. GEORGE CAMPBELL cruising up and +down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then ARTHUR WILLIAMS moved +to report progress; more discussion; OLD MORALITY pounced; Division on +Closure; COURTNEY named SHEEHY as one of tellers; SHEEHY in Limerick; +House couldn't wait for him to return; so WADDY brought out of Lobby to +tell with TANNER. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one. +House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the +question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived, +which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a +quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting +collapsed. + +"Dear me!" said BOLTON, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the +Garrick and think it over." + +_Business done._--None. + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, May 3, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 30625-8.txt or 30625-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/6/2/30625/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 3, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: December 7, 2009 [EBook #30625] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>MAY 3, 1890.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/205.png"> +<img src="images/205.png" width="100%" alt="Cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<center>No. X.—TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE.</center> + +<p>Once more we draw upon our favourite source of inspiration—the poems of +the Misses <span class="smcap">Taylor</span>. The dramatist is serenely confident that the new +London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that much-desired +official is appointed, will highly approve of this little piece on +account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to teach, +amongst other useful lessons, that—as the poem on which it is founded +puts it—"Fruit in lanes is seldom good"; also, that it is not always +prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder is distinctly +reprehensible, and should never be indulged in by persons who cannot +control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that suicide may often be +averted by the exercise of a little <i>savoir vivre.</i></p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Characters.</span></center> + +<p><i>Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taylorian Twins, and awful examples).</i></p> + +<p><i>Their Wicked Uncle (plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story, and +slightly altered).</i></p> + +<p><i>Old Farmer Copeer (skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines).</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm; left, +some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries.</i></p> + +<p><i>Enter the</i> Wicked Uncle, <i>stealthily</i>.</p> +<p><i>The W. U.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">No peace of mind I e'er shall know again</p> +<p class="i2">Till I have cooked the geese of <span class="smcap">Tom</span> and <span class="smcap">Jane</span>!</p> +<p class="i2">But—though a naughty—I'm a nervous nunky,</p> +<p class="i2">For downright felonies I feel too funky!</p> +<p class="i2">I'd hire assassins—but of late the villains</p> +<p class="i2">Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's!</p> +<p class="i2">Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage</p> +<p class="i2">(<i>Sympathetically</i>) For two poor orphans who are under age!</p> +<p class="i2">So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea)</p> +<p class="i2">I must myself get rid of <span class="smcap">Tom</span> and <span class="smcap">Jenny</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter,</p> +<p class="i2">And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.</p> +<p class="i2">(<i>Looking off</i>). Ha, in the distance, <span class="smcap">Jane</span> and little <span class="smcap">Tom</span> I see!</p> +<p class="i2">These berries—(<i>meditatingly</i>)—why, it only needs diplomacy.</p> +<p class="i2">Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as</i> <span class="smcap">Jane</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Tom</span> <i>trip in, and regard him with +innocent wonder</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Uncle, what is the joke? why all this merriment?</p> +</div></div> + +<p ><i>The W. U. (in guilty confusion).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Not merriment, my loves—a trifling spasm—</p> +<p class="i2">Don't be alarmed—your Uncle often has 'em!</p> +<p class="i2">I'm feeling better than I did at first—</p> +<p class="i2">You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with thirst?</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Insidiously.</i></p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Song, by the Wicked Uncle.</span></center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The sun is scorching overhead: the roads are dry and dusty;</p> +<p class="i2">And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're <i>thusty</i>!</p> +<p class="i2">They're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch them!</p> +<p class="i2">But—as your Uncle—I beseech you won't attempt to touch them?</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy and Jane (dutifully).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">We'll do whatever you beseech, and not attempt to touch them!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Annoyance of</i> W. U.</p> + +<p><i>The W. U.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept, shuns;</p> +<p class="i2">And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions).</p> +<p class="i2">However freely you partake, it can't—as you are young—kill,</p> +<p class="i2">But should it cause a stomach-ache—well, don't you blame your Uncle!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy and Jane.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our Uncle!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>The W. U. (aside).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">They'll need no further personal assistance,</p> +<p class="i2">But take the bait when I am at a distance.</p> +<p class="i2">I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats,</p> +<p class="i2">(<i>With sentiment</i>) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets,</p> +<p class="i2">Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Stealing off.</i></p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">What, Uncle, going?</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>The W. U. (with assumed jauntiness).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Just to get my hair cut!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Goes.</i></p> + +<p><i>Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I say, they <i>do</i> look nice, +<span class="smcap">Jane</span>, such a lot too!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane (demurely).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Well, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, Uncle never told us <i>not</i> to.</p> +</div></div> +<p class="regards">[<i>Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they</i> +<i>pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance</i> <i>of delight.</i></p> + +<center><i>Duet</i>—<span class="smcap">Tommy</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jane</span> (<i>with step-dance.</i>) +</center> + +<p><i>Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">These berries ain't so bad—although they've far too much acidity.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane (ditto).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy (rudely).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with wonderful avidity!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane (indignantly).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">No, that I'm not, so <i>there</i> now!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy (calmly).</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But you <i>are</i>!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And so are <i>you</i>!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries—after which +they gaze thoughtfully at each other.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">This fruit is most refreshing—but it's curious how it cloys +on you!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy (with anxiety).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I wonder why all appetite for dinner it destroys in you!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison you?</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">No, <i>that</i> I'm not—so there now! &c., &c.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>They dance as before.</i></p> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><span class="smcap">Jane</span>, <i>is</i> your palate parching up in horrible aridity?</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Refrain as before: they dance with decreasing spirit, and</i> +<i>finally stop, and fan one another with their hats.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">My passing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance—but</i> +<i>suddenly sit down side by side.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jane (with a gasp).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I don't know what it is—but, oh, I <i>do</i> feel so peculiar!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy (with a gulp).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I've tumults taking place within that I may say unruly are.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Why, <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, you are turning green—you really and you <i>truly</i> are!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">No, <i>that</i> I'm not, so <i>there</i> now!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Jane.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">But you <i>are</i>!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Tommy.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">And so are <i>you</i>!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Melancholy music; to which</i> <span class="smcap">Tommy</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smcap">Jane</span>, <i>after a few convulsive movements,</i> +<i>gradually become inanimate. Enter old +Farmer</i> <span class="smcap">Copeer</span> <i>from gate, carrying a +large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."</i></p> + +<p><i>Farmer C.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">It's time I gave the old bay mare her drench.</p> +</div></div> +<p class="regards">[<i>Stumbles over the children.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">What's here? A lifeless lad!—and little wench!</p> +<p class="i2">Been eatin' berries—where did they get <i>them</i> idees?</p> +<p class="i2">For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar remedies.</p> +<p class="i2">I'll try 'em here—and if their state the worse is,</p> +<p class="i2">Why, they shall have them balls I give my 'erses!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters.</i></p> + +<p><i>W. U.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The children—gone? yon bush of berries less full!</p> +<p class="i2">Hooray, my little stratagem's successful!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C.</i></p> + +<p><i>Farmer C.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Been looking for your little niece and nephew?</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="i2"><i>The W. U.</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Yes, searching for them everywhere—</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Farmer C. (ironically).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Oh, <i>hev'</i> you?</p> +<p class="i2">Then let me tell you, from all pain they're free, Sir.</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>The W. U. (falling on his knees).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2"><i>I</i> didn't poison them—it wasn't <i>me</i>, Sir!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Farmer C.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I thought as much—a constable I'll run for.</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>The W. U.</i></p> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">My wretched nerves again! <i>this</i> time I'm done for!</p> +<p class="i2">Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is,</p> +<p class="i2">My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remaining +berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect. Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tom</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jane</span> <i>from gate, looking pale and limp. +Terror of the</i> Wicked Uncle <i>as he turns and recognises them.</i></p> + +<p><i>The W. U. (with tremulous politeness).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +The shades of <span class="smcap">Jane</span> and <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, I presume? +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Re-enter Farmer C.</i></p> + +<p><i>Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.)</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">His Cattle Mixtures snatched us from the Tomb!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>The W. U. (with a flicker of hope).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Why, then the selfsame drugs will ease my torments!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Farmer C. (chuckling.)</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little vormints!</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>The W. U. (bitterly).</i></p> +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So out of life I must inglorious wriggle,</p> +<p class="i2">Pursued by <span class="smcap">Tommy's</span> grin, and <span class="smcap">Jenny's</span> giggle!</p> +</div></div> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Dies in great agony, while</i> <span class="smcap">Tommy</span>, +<span class="smcap">Jane</span>, <i>and</i> Farmer <span class="smcap">Copeer</span> +<i>look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/206.png"> +<img src="images/206.png" width="100%" alt="RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY" /></a> +<h4>RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY.</h4> +<p><i>First Distinguished Colonist.</i> "<span class="smcap">By the way, have you seen anything of +that nice young fellow, Lord Limpet, since you came to London—the Man +who stayed with you so many months at your Station last Year?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Second Ditto, Ditto.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh yes! I met him the other night at Lady +Bovril's Reception, and he kindly bestowed upon me the unused half of a +Smile which he had put together for a passing Duke!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE NEW DANCE OF DEATH.</h2> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Starving to make a British holiday"—</p> +<p class="i2">And plump his pockets with the <i>gobemouches'</i> pay!</p> +<p class="i2">A pretty picture, full of fine humanity</p> +<p class="i2">And creditable to the public sanity!</p> +<p class="i2">"Sensation" is a most despotic master.</p> +<p class="i2">First <span class="smcap">Higgins</span> and then <span class="smcap">Succi</span>! Fast and faster</p> +<p class="i2">The flood of morbid sentiment rolls on.</p> +<p class="i2">Lion-kings die, and the Sword-swallower's gone</p> +<p class="i2">The way of all such horrors, slowly slain</p> +<p class="i2">By efforts to please curious brutes, for gain.</p> +<p class="i2">What next, and next? Stretch some one on the rack</p> +<p class="i2">And let him suffer publicly. 'Twill pack</p> +<p class="i2">The show with prurient pryers, and draw out</p> +<p class="i2">The ready shillings from the rabble rout</p> +<p class="i2">Of well-dressed quidnuncs, frivolous and fickle</p> +<p class="i2">Who'll pay for aught that their dull sense will tickle.</p> +<p class="i2">Look on, crass crowd; your money freely give</p> +<p class="i2">To see Sensation's victims die to live;</p> +<p class="i2">For Science knows, and says beneath her breath,</p> +<p class="i2">That this "Fast Life" (like other sorts) means Death!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>RESOLUTIONS FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN LABOUR MEETING.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Compiled with due regard to the International Idiosyncrasies.</i>)</center> + +<p><i>French.</i>—That France contains the World, and Paris France.</p> + +<p><i>Belgium.</i>—That on the whole, the Slave Trade should be discouraged, as +it cannot be made to yield more than a safe 7 per cent.</p> + +<p><i>Germany.</i>—That the best way of showing love for the Fatherland is to +live in every other part of the universe.</p> + +<p><i>Spain.</i>—That it will be for the benefit of mankind to exterminate the +Portuguese.</p> + +<p><i>Portugal.</i>—That the interests of civilisation will be advanced by the +annihilation of the Spanish.</p> + +<p><i>Russian.</i>—That dynamite literally raises not only the mansions of the +nobles, but betters the homes of those who have been serfs.</p> + +<p><i>British.</i>—That the equality of man is proved by the fact that one +Englishman is worth a dozen foreigners.</p> + +<p><i>American.</i>—That everybody (except citizens of the U.S.A.) pay half a +dollar to the Treasurer right off the reel slick away, and that the sum +so collected be equally divided amongst those present.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Social.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>Yes; it is a sovereign you owe me—but any time will do</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "If +he has the least spark of honour he'll pay me now."</p> + +<p>"<i>Never saw you looking better! Magnificent colour!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Evidently +ripening for apoplectic fit."</p> + +<p>"<i>Pray bring your friend</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Doesn't he know how overcrowded my +rooms are already?"</p> + +<p>"<i>To be perfectly candid</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Not sorry to rub it in."</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Journalistic.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>As yet nothing has transpired</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, The reporter was too late to +obtain any information.</p> + +<p>"<i>Detective Inspector Muggins is actively pursuing his inquiries</i>;" +<i>i.e.</i>, Reporter thinks it as well to keep in with <span class="smcap">Muggins</span>, who, may be +useful in future.</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Epistolatory.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>In great haste</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Must make some excuse for scrappiness."</p> + +<p>"<i>We were all so shocked at hearing of your sad bereavement</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, +"None of us knew her but myself, and <i>I</i> thought her a Cat!"</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">At a Dance.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>Let me get you a partner, Mr.—'er—'er Smith</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "He'll do for +dowdy Miss <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, who has only danced once the whole night."</p> + +<p>"<i>Shall we take a turn round now?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "She can't waltz any more +than a crane, and parading is better than hopping."</p> + +<p>"<i>Not dancing to-night, Mr. Sprawle? Now, that's very naughty of you, +with so many nice girls here</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "What an escape for the nice +girls!"</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">A Little Music.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>I</i> hope <i>you brought your Music with you, dear</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "If <i>only</i> +she had left it in the cab!"</p> + +<p>"<i>I would with pleasure, but I've such a shocking cold that really, +&c.</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "I want a little more pressing, and then I'll come out +strong, and astonish them, I fancy."</p> + +<p>"<i>Oh do! We have been looking forward to your Banjo-solo all the +evening</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "With horror!"</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Curiomania, Etc.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>How delightful it must be to have such a hobby!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Thank +heavens, I am not so afflicted!"</p> + +<p>"<i>It must have cost you a heap of money</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "How he's been +'done!'"</p> + +<p>"<i>What a wonderful collection of pictures you have here!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Must +say something. Wouldn't give ten pounds for the lot."</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Railroad Amenities.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>So glad you got into the same carriage. A little of your conversation +so lightens a long journey</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "He'll talk my head off, and +render a nap impossible."</p> + +<p>"<i>Would you like to look at the papers?</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "May keep her tongue +still for a few minutes."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>The Busy "B."</h2> + +<blockquote>[Mr. <span class="smcap">Bancroft</span> has just settled one theatrical difference, and now he +is engaged on a "far more delicate matter"; i.e., a dispute between +a Manager and an Actor.]</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">How doth the little busy "B"</p> +<p class="i2">Employ each leisure hour?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">By arbitrating all the day</p> +<p class="i2">With great dramatic power.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Extremes Meet.</span>—"<i>The Darkies' Africa</i>" is an Eastern entertainment at +Weston's Music Hall.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Couldn't Slander and Libel causes be appropriately heard in Sir <span class="smcap">James +Hannen's</span> Admiralty Court, as "Running Down Cases?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/207.png"> +<img src="images/207.png" width="100%" alt="THE CHEAP FARES" /></a> +<h4>THE CHEAP FARES.</h4> +<p><i>Passengers.</i> "<span class="smcap">We're Full—there's no room!</span>"</p> +<p><i>Conductor.</i> "<span class="smcap">We must make Room for 'er. There's Room for One on the +Near Side 'ere. B'sides you're all short Penn'orths, and she's a +Fourpenn'orth—goes the Whole Way!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"THE PROMISE OF MAY."</h2> + +<center>(<i>As the Proletariat paints it.</i>)</center> + +<blockquote><p>"Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally +disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must +assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the +wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour. +Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria, +Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the +force of example operating through the modern facility of +communication. A universal movement in favour of shorter hours would +seem best fitted to secure the amelioration of the labourer's +lot."—<i>The Times.</i></p></blockquote> + +<center><i>Enthusiastic Operative to his Bench-Mate, loquitur:—</i></center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">We must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade dear;</p> +<p class="i2">To-morrow'll be the biggest day of all the sad New Year;</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the sad New Year, mate, the biggest, brightest day;</p> +<p class="i2">For to-morrow's the First of May, chummy, to-morrow's <i>our</i> First of May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">There'll be many a dark, dark eye, chummy, by Thames, and Seine, and Rhine,</p> +<p class="i2">There'll be <span class="smcap">Salisbury</span>, and <span class="smcap">Carnot</span>, and <i>Caprivi</i> to peak and pine.</p> +<p class="i2">For there'll be a stir of the Labourer in every land, they say,</p> +<p class="i2">And Toil's to be Queen o' this May, chummy, Toil's to be Queen o' <i>this</i> May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">I do sleep sound at night, chummy, but to-morrow morn I'll wake;</p> +<p class="i2">The Cry of the Crowd will sound aloud in my ear ere dawn shall break.</p> +<p class="i2">'Twill muster with its booming bands and with its banners gay;</p> +<p class="i2">For to-morrow's the Feast of May, brother, to-morrow's our Feast of May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">They've kept us scattered till now, comrade; but that no more may be:</p> +<p class="i2">Our shout goes up in unison by Thames, Seine, Rhine and Spree.</p> +<p class="i2">We are not the crushed-down crowd, chummy, we were but yesterday.</p> +<p class="i2">We're full of the Promise o' May, brother, mad with the Promise of May!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">They thought us wandering ghosts, brother. Divided strength is slight;</p> +<p class="i2">But what will they say when our myriads assemble in banded might?</p> +<p class="i2">They call us craven-hearted, but what matter what they say?</p> +<p class="i2">They'll know on the First o' May, brother; they'll learn on the First o' May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">They say ours is a dying cause, but that can never be:</p> +<p class="i2">There's many a heart as bold as <span class="smcap">Tell's</span> in the New Democracy.</p> +<p class="i2">There's many a million of stalwart lads who toil for poorish pay;</p> +<p class="i2">And they'll meet on the First o' May, brother, they'll speak on the First o' May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The tramp of a myriad feet shall sound where the young Spring grass is green,</p> +<p class="i2">Yon Emperor young shall hear, brother, and so shall our gracious <span class="smcap">Queen</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">For Labour's hosts to all civic centres shall gather from far away;</p> +<p class="i2">The Champs de Mars shall greet Hyde Park on this glorious First o' May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The lime is budding forth, brother, lilac our cot embowers,</p> +<p class="i2">And the meadows soon shall be a-scent with the snowy hawthorn flowers;</p> +<p class="i2">But a bonnier sight shall be the tramping crowds in fustian grey,</p> +<p class="i2">Flushed with the Promise o' May, brother, the new-born Promise o' May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">A wind is with their march, brother, that threatens old claims of Class,</p> +<p class="i2">And the grey Spring skies above them seem to brighten as they pass.</p> +<p class="i2">Pray heaven there'll be no drop o' rain the whole of the live-long day,</p> +<p class="i2">To sadden our First o' May, brother, to sadden our First o' May!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The labourers of Paris, and the toilers of Berlin,</p> +<p class="i2">Will throng to shout for shorter hours, homes happier, and more "tin."</p> +<p class="i2">Why even the chilly Times, chummy, is almost constrained to say</p> +<p class="i2">There is sense in our First o' May, chummy, hope from our First o' May.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">The Governments are a-gog, brother, <i>Figaro</i> owns as much;</p> +<p class="i2">Property quakes when the countless hands of Labour are in touch.</p> +<p class="i2">And from Bermondsey to Budapest they are in touch to-day,</p> +<p class="i2">Linked for the Feast of May, brother, linked for the Feast of May!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">So we must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade, dear;</p> +<p class="i2">To-morrow'll be the grandest day of all the green New Year;</p> +<p class="i2">To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest merriest day,</p> +<p class="i2">For Toil's to be Queen o' the May, brother. Labour is Queen o' <i>th's</i> May!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> + +<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr, Punch's Own Type-writer.</i>)<br /><br /> + +No. X.—THE MARTYR <i>INCOMPRISE</i>.</center> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/208.png"> +<img src="images/208.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>The Martyr <i>Incomprise</i> is one who, having in her home erected a stake, +ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her +own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the +saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings +inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to +a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties +and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make +her happy. Time after time does this domestic Sisyphus roll the stone of +contentment up the hill of his wife's temper, and time after time does +it slip from his hands, and go clattering down into the plain of +despair. The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied +with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them +to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her +morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her +husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most +persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices, +it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her +undertaking.</p> + +<p>As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of +wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by +her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her +parents detest her, and desire her death. She will spend the next few +days with her breast luxuriously against the thorn of her fancied +sufferings. She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious +sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature +coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of +their victim with unavailing tears. A somewhat lax method of bringing up +will have enabled her to read many trashy novels. Out of these she +constructs an imaginary hero, all gushing tenderness and a tawny +moustache. Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the +latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former, +and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him +over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic +devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon +afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a +Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery +amidst the ruins.</p> + +<p>And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. She withdraws even +from the affectation of interest in her partner, his friends and his +pursuits. She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the +writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of +heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of +unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large +part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or +in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he +returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having +thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process, +into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband.</p> + +<p>She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female +friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his +house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the +story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of +disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend +the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their +pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality +they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy +him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make +some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their +eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a +tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was +of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She +will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest +herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in +hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it +when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly +resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital +manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman +having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended +rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he +should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler, +and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the +heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If +her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a +subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting +to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel, +whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an +unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe +her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be +sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind +him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care +with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he +countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to +understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she +will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will +be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and +reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and +seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that, +although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a +distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution +of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those +who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a +moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate +mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him +to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to +ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own +bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will +sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her +increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense +of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts +she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will +eventually have to do so.</p> + +<p>After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the +reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and +wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It +will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he +has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he +has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for +society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with +jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time +she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in +the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court +having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of +which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the +witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of +her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of +universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept +him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital +of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her +in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may +revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of +mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">More Novelties.</span>—Sir,—The Fasting Man seems to have been a great +success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating +Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk +incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess, +what a chance for Mr. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary +orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to +the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big +business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The +Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so +forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I +place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium.</p> + +<p class="regards">Yours,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">The Other Man</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Yet Another Quarterly.</span>—<i>Subjects of the Day</i>—sounds like an Algerian +publication—is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this +new quarterly review of Messrs. <span class="smcap">Routledge's</span> is "<i>Post Tenebras Lux</i>" +which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this +comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is +Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader +well occupied till the appearance of No. 2.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> + +<h2>THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E. +Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery, +Bond Street.</i>)</center> + +<table summary="cartoons"> +<tr><td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/209a.png"> +<img src="images/209a.png" width="100%" alt="The Briar-Wood Pipe" /></a></div></td> + +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/209b.png"> +<img src="images/209b.png" width="100%" alt="The Bed-Room" /></a></div></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td><center><span class="smcap">The Briar-Wood Pipe.<br /> Effect on the Smokers.</span><br /> +The fateful odour fumes and goes<br /> +About the angle of the Nose.</center></td> +<td><center><span class="smcap">The Bed-Room.</span><br /><br /> +They smoked and smoked a pipe a-piece:<br /> +Thus did their drowsiness increase.</center></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/209c.png"> +<img src="images/209c.png" width="100%" alt="Short Cut through the Garden" /></a></div></td> + +<td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%"> +<a href="images/209d.png"> +<img src="images/209d.png" width="100%" alt="The Nose Bower." /></a></div></td> +</tr> + +<tr><td><center><span class="smcap">Short Cut through the Garden.</span><br /><br /> +The Maidens thought the pipe to fill:<br /> +They smoked, and now they all lie still.</center></td> + +<td><center><span class="smcap">The Nose Bower.</span> <i>La Belle Pipe-en-Bois <span class="smcap">Dormant</span>.</i><br /> +'Twas five o'clock, the hour of tea;<br /> But, having smoked, they're as you see.</center></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h2>TIPS FROM THE TAPE.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner.</i>)</center> + +<p>EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest +in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all +classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special +"Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had +appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with +applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I +have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and +outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move, +telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of +"Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in +commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I +flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I +am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark.</p> + +<p>You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market, +and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular +investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving +some attention lately to</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Patagonian Crocodiles</span>,</center> + +<p>but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable +source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with +the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for +months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of +it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about</p> + +<center><span class="smcap">Hernebay Z's</span>.</center> + +<p>This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in +October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4, +and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact +that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put +into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it +before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good +authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the +Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders +of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a +debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the +Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not +think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch +the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get +rid of your "Crocodiles."</p> + +<center>I subjoin some of my correspondence:—</center> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>,—I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being +responsible for £5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, +that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been +somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my +Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government +Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money +at the present moment is thus disposed of:—</p></blockquote> + +<table summary="Security holding." align="center"> + +<tr><td></td><td></td><td>Purchasing</td><td>Present</td><td>Last</td></tr> +<tr><td></td><td>Security.</td><td> Price.</td><td>Price.</td><td>Div.</td></tr> +<tr><td>£1000</td><td>Kangaroo Copper Trust</td><td> 193</td><td>13-1/8</td><td>None</td></tr> +<tr><td> 2000</td><td>Bursters' Patent Coffin Company</td><td> 157</td><td> 4</td><td>None</td></tr> +<tr><td> 1000</td><td>Battersea Gold Syndicate</td><td> 235</td><td> 7-1/2</td><td>None</td></tr> +<tr><td> 500</td><td>International Balloon Transit</td><td> 170</td><td> Nil.</td><td>None</td></tr> +<tr><td> 500</td><td> Bolivian Spasmodics</td><td> 194</td><td> 9-1/8</td><td>None</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which +certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me. +What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold?</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">A Puzzled Trustee</span>.</p> + +<p>We should certainly hold.</p> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I +have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, +however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads +properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, +and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages +have been brought against the concern. These having been successful +in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, +in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine?</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">An Anxious Speculator</span>.</p> + +<p>Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise.</p> + +<p>You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of +others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the +wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a +doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one +were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten +who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks +in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I +have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I +have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the +sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system +three-and-sixpence will cover £500! Here will be a chance for even the +schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later. +Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I +can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the +fortune of every one concerned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 15%"> +<a href="images/209e.png"> +<img src="images/209e.png" width="100%" alt="Charles Wynd'em Up" /></a> +<h4>Charles Wynd'em Up.</h4> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Theatrical Short Service Bill.—Charles the Second (Wyndham)</span> is +following in the footsteps of <span class="smcap">Charles the First (Mathews)</span> and beginning +to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a +three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. +At least, he is <i>Trying It On</i>. How far preferable, in the summer and +autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three +<i>entrées</i>, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. +The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an +hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for +the actor's art, too, by way of varying his <i>rôles</i>. The stall people +would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, +however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece +which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three +times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on +taking a quantity.</p> + +<p>There is a small fortune waiting for this <span class="smcap">Charles</span>, or t'other +<span class="smcap">Charles</span>, 'yclept <span class="smcap">Hawtrey</span>, whichever may take up the idea and work it.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Audi Magistrum Punchium</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/210.png"> +<img src="images/210.png" width="100%" alt="WINDOW STUDIES" /></a> +<h4>WINDOW STUDIES.</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">The Struggle for Life. (Three Cab-runners after One Small Portmanteau.)</span>]</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>STANLEY AFRICANUS!</h2> + +<center><i>Mr. Punch loquitur:—</i></center> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"<span class="smcap">Mr. Stanley</span>, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume,</p> +<p class="i2">From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:;</p> +<p class="i0">But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land;</p> +<p class="i2">This is truly a most gratifying meeting!</p> +<p class="i0">Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush</p> +<p class="i2">There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery.</p> +<p class="i0">Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired</p> +<p class="i2">Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery.</p> +<p class="i0">"An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear</p> +<p class="i2">That at any rate you've earned that appellation.</p> +<p class="i0">True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system"</p> +<p class="i2">You have opened up no doubt to civilisation.</p> +<p class="i0">Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory</p> +<p class="i2">To have footed for the first time (save by savages),</p> +<p class="i0">The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid</p> +<p class="i2">Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages.</p> +<p class="i0">That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun,</p> +<p class="i2">As you found in that huge awful tract of forest,</p> +<p class="i0">And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out</p> +<p class="i2">Of all perils when your need was at the sorest.</p> +<p class="i0">Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men,</p> +<p class="i2">Must have tried your iron health and steely temper.</p> +<p class="i0">But, like <span class="smcap">Scipio</span> of old, you 're as patient as you're bold,</p> +<p class="i2">And you turn up tough and timely, <i>idem semper</i>!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Stanley Africanus!</span> Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess,</p> +<p class="i2">For as stout a soul as <span class="smcap">Publius Cornelius</span>;</p> +<p class="i0">And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman,"</p> +<p class="i2">Though you once had many a foeman contumelious.</p> +<p class="i0">Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out</p> +<p class="i2">In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus:</p> +<p class="i0">Though when once they've had a look, <span class="smcap">Henry</span> mine, in your Big Book,</p> +<p class="i2">They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us.</p> +<p class="i0">Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch</p> +<p class="i2">With all that is humane, and wise, and manly.</p> +<p class="i0">Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent,</p> +<p class="i2">And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>!"</p> +</div></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%"> +<a href="images/211.png"> +<img src="images/211.png" width="100%" alt="STANLEY AFRICANUS" /></a> +<h4>STANLEY AFRICANUS!</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Punch</span> (<i>saluting</i>). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE</h2> + +<p>In his <i>By Order of the Czar</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">Joseph Hatton</span> exposes the cruelties of +Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The +headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting +to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the +Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes +might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the +Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid +handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is +prohibited by the Government of the <span class="smcap">Czar</span> from circulation in Russia." +How fortunate—not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be +deprived of this treat—but how fortunate that it is not prohibited +<i>here</i>! With Mr. <span class="smcap">Joseph Hatton</span> continuously in his thoughts, the <span class="smcap">Baron</span> +has sung ever since—not only "<i>In the Gloaming</i>," be it understood, but +during the following day, and well into the succeeding night—"<i>Best</i> +for him (J. H), <i>and best</i> for me (<span class="smcap">B. de B. W.</span>)." The novel should have +a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has +been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia.</p> + +<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Jeanie Middlemass</span> has made a step in the right direction by +publishing <i>Two False Moves</i>. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply +interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the +march in the circulating libraries.</p> + +<p>In <i>Miss Mephistopheles</i>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Feargus Hume</span> gives us a story much in +advance of <i>The Mystery of a Hansom Cab</i>. It is better in construction, +its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is +superior—therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful +with the general public.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Baron de Book-worms & Co.</span></p> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> + +<h2>COURT NAPPING.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/213a.png"> +<img src="images/213a.png" width="100%" alt="Court in the Act" /></a> +<h4>Court in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a +few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.</h4> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Mrs. Wood</span> can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a <i>Dandy +Dick</i>, nor can Mr. <span class="smcap">Pinero</span> hope always to be up to that really good +farcical standard. The good <span class="smcap">Pinero</span> has nodded over this. <i>The Cabinet +Minister</i> is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister +himself, Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur Cecil</span>, in his official costume, playing the flute, +is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. <span class="smcap">Gilbert's</span> +"<i>Wedding March</i>," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy +and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels, +reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in <i>Brantingham Hall</i>. The mother +of <i>The Macphail</i>—the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. <span class="smcap">B. +Thomas</span>) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,—is a +Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. <span class="smcap">Righton</span> might +look like in petticoats. Mrs. <span class="smcap">John Wood's</span> part is a very trying one, and +not what the public expect from her.</p> + +<p>Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. <span class="smcap">Weedon +Grossmith</span>, as <i>Joseph Lebanon</i>, comes on the scene in the Second Act, +when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed. +<i>Joseph</i> remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the +behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his +level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as +we pity Mr. <span class="smcap">Guthrie's</span> <i>Pariah</i>, and as those who remember <span class="smcap">Theodore +Hook's</span> novel have pitied that wretched little cad, <i>Jack Brag</i>. The part +is not equal to <i>Aunt Jack's</i> Solicitor, and had Mr. <span class="smcap">Grossmith</span>, by the +kind permission of Mr. <span class="smcap">Pinero</span>, departed from the conventional Adelphi +and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done +better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that +characterised the first performances of <i>Engaged</i> at the Haymarket, +which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one +can possibly feel any interest in the lovers.</p> + +<p>As a rule Mr. <span class="smcap">Pinero's</span> stage-management is simple and effective: but +here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless +uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which +the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a +twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze +about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out +something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out, +"they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one +Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and, +with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive <i>lever de rideau</i> +or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of <i>Dandy +Dick</i>.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Amicus Candidus.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE.</h2> + +<p>An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush.</p> + +<p>Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast.</p> + +<p>You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it +to keep its time <i>en route</i>.</p> + +<p>You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill.</p> + +<p>A Tea Duty will annoy for ever.</p> + +<p>It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting.</p> + +<p>Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care +of themselves.</p> + +<p>A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth +visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke.</p> + +<p>A School Board is soon parted from its money.</p> + +<p>Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Nothing when you're Roose'd to It,</span>"—We've heard plenty about <i>diner à +la Roose</i>, and the <i>Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London +Life</i>, but now we are to have <i>Fasting à la Roose</i>. Vide article in May +number of <i>New Review</i> on Fasting, by Dr. <span class="smcap">Robinson Crusoe</span>,—beg +pardon,—should have said Dr. <span class="smcap">Robson Roose O</span>. Article not variation on +<span class="smcap">Roose O's</span> Dream, but thoroughly practical.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + +<p><i>Wednesday, April 30.</i>—<i>Mr. Punch</i> rises early and appears everywhere. +Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as +usual. Private Reception of Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, I presume. No one admitted +without orders—on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> by +his Hairdresser.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, May 1.</i>—Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion +for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.—Edinburgh Exhibition. +Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> by the eminent Explorer's +tailor, bootmaker, and hosier.</p> + +<p><i>Friday, May 2.</i>—Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington +House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet +day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow. +Deputation to Mr. H. M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> from Aquarium, to ask if he will take +<span class="smcap">Succi's</span> place.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—Great Cooking Match at the Café Royal, Lunch Time, Trial +Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Snug little +dinner at Burlington House. Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick</span>, P. R. A., in the chair. +Musical entertainment by Mr. <span class="smcap">Whistler</span>. Fireworks by Mr. <span class="smcap">H-rry F-rn-ss</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Sunday.—Dies Non.</i> No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere. +Private Banquet to Mr. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, +and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.</p> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every +sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by +Mr. H. M. <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Mrs. <span class="smcap">Snooks's</span> first dance, if she has learnt it in +time for to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual +festival, <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M. +<span class="smcap">Stanley</span>, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, +excursions, alarums.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Mr. Punch</i> comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory +telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h2> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/213b.png"> +<img src="images/213b.png" width="100%" alt="The Scandinavian Composer" /></a> +<h4>The Scandinavian Composer.</h4> +</div> + +<p><i>Tuesday, April 22.</i>—Mr. <span class="smcap">Bennett's</span> Libretto of <i>Thorgrim</i> good from +literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer <span class="smcap">Cowen</span> not +possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want. +Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received +with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration +shows the hand of a master, Master <span class="smcap">Cowen</span>. Local colour good, but too +much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. <span class="smcap">McGuckin</span> is <i>Thorgrim</i> to the +life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss <span class="smcap">Zélie de Lussan</span> +highly commendable. Miss <span class="smcap">Tremelli</span>, mother of <i>Helgi</i> (an ugly name and +scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a +lady-villain. <i>Helgi</i> and <i>Arnora</i> are first cousins (not once removed) +to <i>Telrammond</i> the Tedious and <i>Ortrude</i> the Orful. Mr. <span class="smcap">Celli</span> as +<i>King</i>, a sort of Scandinavian <span class="smcap">Beau Brummel</span>, imparts light comedy touch +to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. <span class="smcap">Cowen</span> +called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>, setting the best +example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and +remained to the end.</p> + +<p><i>April 23.</i>—<i>Maritana</i> delighted everyone. Miss <span class="smcap">Georgina Burns</span> +splendid. Mr. <span class="smcap">John Child</span>, as <i>Cæsar</i>, good child. Mr. <span class="smcap">Leslie Crotty</span> good +for <i>José</i>.</p> + +<p><i>April 26.</i>—<i>Lohengrin.</i> <i>King</i> played by <span class="smcap">Pope</span> with considerable amount +of temporal power. <span class="smcap">F. Davies</span> good as the <i>Herald</i>, but which <i>Herald</i> he +is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music +by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and +Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "<i>We won't go home till morning!</i>"</p> + +<p>Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian +Opera at Covent Garden. <span class="smcap">Augustus Druriolanus Operaticus +Counticouncillarius</span> (Sheriff <i>in posse</i>, Alderman <i>in futuro</i>, and Lord +Mayor <i>in futurissimo</i>) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/214.png"> +<img src="images/214.png" width="100%" alt="STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW" /></a> +<h4>STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> + +<h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</center> + +<p>The Duke of <span class="smcap">Dumpshire</span> seems to have been much annoyed by my statement +that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching +a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I +beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care +no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations +of Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeremy</span> and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties +to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should +find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile +prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure +my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat +that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of <span class="smcap">Dumpshire</span> killed two +trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not +enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided +by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. <span class="smcap">Jacobs</span>, who has no +aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket +Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is +suggestive.</p> + +<p>A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about <i>Bazaar</i> by the +Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters. +<i>Bazaar</i> is by <i>Rector</i> out of <i>Church Mouse</i>, and in his pedigree are +to be found such well-known roarers as <i>Boanerges</i> and <i>Hallelujah +Sal</i>—not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeremy</span>. His own +performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was +placed second at eight stone to <i>Candlestick</i> in the Warmington Open +Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back, +and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the +All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough +of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair, +would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two +pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks +like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so +if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own +doors.</p> + +<p>The Marquis de <span class="smcap">Millepardon</span> has bought <i>Chowbock</i> for £2000. At the last +Epsom Meeting <i>Chowbock</i> showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East +wind, having cantered in from <i>Sister Mary</i>, who as good as walked round +<i>Vilikins</i> when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on +the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that <i>Sister +Mary</i> only got home by a length from <i>Smockfrock</i>, after having been +double-girthed and provided with a bucket of <span class="smcap">Pocock's</span> antiseptic, +anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the +Newmarket T. Y. C.</p> + +<p>Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the +present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Jeremy</span> and his quacking, goose-headed parasites.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">Change of Name.</span>—M. <span class="smcap">Succi</span>, having succeeded in existing for forty days +on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-<span class="smcap">Succi</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 38%"> +<a href="images/215.png"> +<img src="images/215.png" width="100%" alt="FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS" /></a> +<h4>FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h4> +<p>"<span class="smcap">Is this a Dagger that I see before me?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY.</h2> + +<center>(<i>Notes of a Very Important Journey.</i>)</center> + +<p>Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend <span class="smcap">Brown</span>. +We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. <span class="smcap">Brown</span> says the +dearest object of his life is to welcome <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Can't I take him with +me? (This on learning the nature of <i>my</i> expedition.) He is off to +Canada to-morrow—early. More sorry than I can say—impossible. Only +invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part—it may be for +years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special +train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Dearest +object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of +adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would +have defended Metz if he had been <span class="smcap">Bazaine</span>. Man who went through the +Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he <i>had</i> been <span class="smcap">Bazaine</span> he +wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because <span class="smcap">Bazaine</span> was a traitor. Row +imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. +Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and +children. The good ship—well, never mind the name of ship; have +forgotten it—lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining +passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top. +High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red, +moon rises in green. All hope gone, when—hurrah, a sail! It is the +life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off. +The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white." +Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased +with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life +been on board a life-boat—when it was practising off Lynton. No more +stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased +with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover—when you stop +there. Glad I am not going to welcome <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> on the other side of the +Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital, +especially when you are travelling <i>en prince</i>.</p> + +<p>Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet <span class="smcap">Jones</span>—of course, he is going to welcome +<span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. So are <span class="smcap">Snooks</span> and <span class="smcap">Smith</span>. And, as I live, old <span class="smcap">Tompkins</span>! Well, +this is very plucky of old <span class="smcap">Tompkins</span>. Thought he was dead years ago. Says +he would not miss <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to +welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But +sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is +going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from +Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet, +forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of +satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper +hustled—possibly mistaken for <span class="smcap">Emin Pasha</span>, who would be <i>de trop</i> on +such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor <span class="smcap">Succi</span>. +So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little +restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French <i>plats</i> and some excellent +<i>Grave</i>. Know the <i>Grave</i> of old—seldom asked for, and so kept long in +bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon +ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp +in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old <span class="smcap">Tompkins</span> +(adventurous chap old <span class="smcap">Tompkins</span>) <span class="smcap">Snooks</span>, <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, <span class="smcap">Smith</span> and <span class="smcap">Brown</span>. Thought +latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill. +Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Meet +old <span class="smcap">Tompkins</span>, <span class="smcap">Snooks</span>, <span class="smcap">Jones</span> and <span class="smcap">Smith</span> instead. They tell me that they +have all welcomed <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. Found him being "run into" the train by two +policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he +now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have +missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop +into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow +travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One +satisfaction—<span class="smcap">Brown</span> didn't welcome him either. Why here <i>is</i> <span class="smcap">Brown</span> on +the platform—do him a last good turn—describe <span class="smcap">Stanley</span>. I tell him that +the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit, +revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the <i>Daily +Graphic</i>! <span class="smcap">Brown</span> says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like <i>that</i> +when <i>he</i> saw him!" Appears <span class="smcap">Brown</span> put off trip to Canada to welcome him. +Can't be helped! Shall meet <span class="smcap">Stanley</span> somewhere (movements advertised +daily in the <i>Times</i>) and when I <i>do</i> won't I give him a bit of my mind, +for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him!</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, April 21.</i>—House really beginning to fill +up. <span class="smcap">Hartington</span> back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this +Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and +just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both +sides welcoming him with cheer.</p> + +<p>"We all like <span class="smcap">Hartington</span>," said <span class="smcap">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>. "Of course we +liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep +straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he +was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude +towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce +<span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>. You see, when we howl at <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>, they can't say we are +simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering <span class="smcap">Hartington</span> +as he returns to the fray."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">John Dillon</span> back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the +breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see <span class="smcap">John</span> back; first because +everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the <span class="smcap">Sage</span> +frankly acknowledges when cheering <span class="smcap">Hartington</span>. Even in the evil days +when <span class="smcap">John Dillon</span> used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of +defiance on Speaker <span class="smcap">Brand</span>, House didn't include him in same angry, +uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of <span class="smcap">William O'Brien</span>, +<span class="smcap">Tim Healy</span>, and dear old <span class="smcap">Joseph Gillis</span>. <span class="smcap">John Dillon</span> sometimes suspended; +occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity +of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to +say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 10%"> +<a href="images/216a.png"> +<img src="images/216a.png" width="100%" alt="The Sage" /></a> +<h4>The Sage.</h4> +</div> + +<p>"Yes, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," said the <span class="smcap">Sage</span>, lighting another cigarette; "always well +when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom +you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one +high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that +<span class="smcap">the Markiss</span> is a mere tool in hands of <span class="smcap">Bismarck</span>, I extol honest purposes +of <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span>; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception +as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy, +seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and +capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the <span class="smcap">Markiss's</span> relations +with public affairs. The great thing, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, in public controversy +is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that +a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, +do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an +opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his +colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer <span class="smcap">Hartington</span> to-night, and why +the Tories sometimes admit that <span class="smcap">John Dillon's</span> an honest man."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<i>Parnell</i> moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<span class="smcap">Courtney</span> on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he +is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is +seated at table as Chairman of Committees. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>, everyone sorry to +learn, is ill in bed. So <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> doubles his part. Proceeding watched +with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten +seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> in Chair at +table; Mace off the table; <span class="smcap">Tanner</span> on his legs. As hand of clock falters +over the numeral ten, <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> gets up, says never a word, wheels to +right out of Chair and marches to rear. <span class="smcap">Tanner</span> stops midway in sentence +and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on +to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of +<span class="smcap">Courtney</span>, appalled by discovering him in <span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> Chair, quite a new +man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered +tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice, +as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/216b.png"> +<img src="images/216b.png" width="100%" alt="Sergeant-at-Arms" /></a> +<h4>Sergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).</h4> +</div> + +<p>"Only thing left to me, dear <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," he said, when I congratulated him on +his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible; +must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee +and <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little +out of my line, but practice makes perfect."</p> + +<p>At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by <span class="smcap">Bartley</span>. +<span class="smcap">Cunninghame-Graham</span> let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't +look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate +ferocity. <i>Sim Tappertit</i> not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I +have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour; +but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a +conciliator."</p> + +<p>"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, <i>à propos</i> of nothing. "You talk of +inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore? +Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised +conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes. +But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very +moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite +them to violence."</p> + +<p>After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see +Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right +and left, not sure that moment was not come, and <span class="smcap">Simon Cunninghame +Tappertit Graham</span> was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the +Classes. "We must look out, <span class="smcap">Broadhurst</span>," said <span class="smcap">James Rowlands</span>, nervously +rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I +think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a +sword-stick."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Budget Resolutions through Committee.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday Night.</i>—<span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span> came down to-day in unusually good +spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme. +Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he +ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems +almost as if, after all, life for <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span> would be worth living. +Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. +Land Purchase troubles, not the <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span>, nor Bi-Metallism either. +<span class="smcap">Raikes</span> been doing something at the Post Office. <span class="smcap">Goschen</span> been tampering +with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with +the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that <span class="smcap">Fergusson's</span> look-out. True, <span class="smcap">Elcho</span> +wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in +chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about +it. But <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span> able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains +were light. <span class="smcap">Elcho</span> blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested +in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after +what <span class="smcap">Matthews</span> had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the +chains themselves.</p> + +<p>Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating +Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly +up gets <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span>; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new +police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of +<span class="smcap">Matthews</span>. This red-hot building—its gables, its roofs, its windows, its +doorways, and its twisted knockers—was designed under his direction. It +is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. +What does <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> want to know about it? Why is <span class="smcap">Plunket</span> so studious in +repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded +House cheer and laugh when <span class="smcap">Harcourt</span> gives notice to call attention to +building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another +mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging +him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. +Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London +would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.</p> + +<p>"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the +stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like +it," said <span class="smcap">Home Secretary</span>, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some +people, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the +people of London."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Debate on Land Purchase Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning +Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of +day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At +night, <span class="smcap">Provand</span> on first with Dried Currants; <span class="smcap">McLaren</span> to follow with +Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of +Closure, got into Committee of Supply. <span class="smcap">George Campbell</span> cruising up and +down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then <span class="smcap">Arthur Williams</span> moved +to report progress; more discussion; <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> pounced; Division on +Closure; <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> named <span class="smcap">Sheehy</span> as one of tellers; <span class="smcap">Sheehy</span> in Limerick; +House couldn't wait for him to return; so <span class="smcap">Waddy</span> brought out of Lobby to +tell with <span class="smcap">Tanner</span>. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one. +House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the +question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived, +which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a +quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting +collapsed.</p> + +<p>"Dear me!" said <span class="smcap">Bolton</span>, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the +Garrick and think it over."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—None.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%"> +<a href="images/216c.gif"> +<img src="images/216c.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<blockquote><p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p></blockquote> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, May 3, 1890., by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 *** + +***** This file should be named 30625-h.htm or 30625-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/6/2/30625/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, May 3, 1890. + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir F. C. (Francis Cowley) Burnand + +Release Date: December 7, 2009 [EBook #30625] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, MAY 3, 1890 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MAY 3, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +[Illustration] + +No. X.--TOMMY AND HIS SISTER JANE. + +Once more we draw upon our favourite source of inspiration--the poems of +the Misses TAYLOR. The dramatist is serenely confident that the new +London County Council Censor of Plays, whenever that much-desired +official is appointed, will highly approve of this little piece on +account of the multiplicity of its morals. It is intended to teach, +amongst other useful lessons, that--as the poem on which it is founded +puts it--"Fruit in lanes is seldom good"; also, that it is not always +prudent to take a hint; again, that constructive murder is distinctly +reprehensible, and should never be indulged in by persons who cannot +control their countenances afterwards. Lastly, that suicide may often be +averted by the exercise of a little _savoir vivre._ + +CHARACTERS. + +_Tommy and his Sister Jane (Taylorian Twins, and awful examples)._ + +_Their Wicked Uncle (plagiarised from a forgotten Nursery Story, and +slightly altered)._ + +_Old Farmer Copeer (skilled in the use of horse and cattle medicines)._ + +SCENE--_A shady lane; on the right, a gate, leading to the farm; left, +some bushes, covered with practicable scarlet berries._ + +_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_. + +_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again + Till I have cooked the geese of TOM and JANE! + But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky, + For downright felonies I feel too funky! + I'd hire assassins--but of late the villains + Have raised their usual fee to fifteen shillin's! + Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage + (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age! + So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) + I must myself get rid of TOM and JENNY. + Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter, + And can't make up my mind to risk a halter. + (_Looking off_). Ha, in the distance, JANE and little TOM I see! + These berries--(_meditatingly_)--why, it only needs diplomacy. + Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment! + + [_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ JANE + _and_ TOM _trip in, and regard him with + innocent wonder_. + +_Jane._ Uncle, what is the joke? why all this + merriment? + +_The W. U. (in guilty confusion)._ Not merriment, + my loves--a trifling spasm-- + Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em! + I'm feeling better than I did at first-- + You're looking flushed, though not, I hope, with + thirst? [_Insidiously._ + +SONG, BY THE WICKED UNCLE. + + The sun is scorching overhead: the roads are dry and dusty; + And here are berries, ripe and red, refreshing when you're _thusty_! + They're hanging just within your reach, inviting you to clutch them! + But--as your Uncle--I beseech you won't attempt to touch them? + +_Tommy and Jane (dutifully)._ We'll do whatever you beseech, and + not attempt to touch them! [_Annoyance of_ W. U. + +_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) a child, in order kept, shuns; + And fruit in lanes is seldom good (with several exceptions). + However freely you partake, it can't--as you are young--kill, + But should it cause a stomach-ache--well, don't you blame your Uncle! + +_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our + Uncle! + +_The W. U. (aside)._ They'll need no further personal assistance, + But take the bait when I am at a distance. + I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats, + (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets, + Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut! [_Stealing off._ + +_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going? + +_The W. U. (with assumed jauntiness)._ Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._ + +_Tommy (looking wistfully at the berries)._ I say, they _do_ look nice, + JANE, such a lot too! + +_Jane (demurely)._ Well, TOMMY, Uncle never told us _not_ to. + + [_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they + pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance + of delight._ + +_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance._) + +_Tommy (dancing, with his mouth full)._ These berries ain't so + bad--although they've far too much acidity. + +_Jane (ditto)._ To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity. + +_Tommy (rudely)._ But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with + wonderful avidity! + +_Jane (indignantly)._ No, that I'm not, so _there_ now! + +_Tommy (calmly)._ But you _are_! + +_Jane._ And so are _you_! + + [_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which + they gaze thoughtfully at each other._ + +_Jane._ This fruit is most refreshing--but it's curious how it cloys + on you! + +_Tommy (with anxiety)._ I wonder why all appetite for dinner it + destroys in you! + +_Jane._ Oh, TOMMY, you are half afraid you've ate enough to poison + you? + +_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c. + + [_They dance as before._ + + _Tommy._ JANE, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity? + +_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity. + +_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity. + + [_Refrain as before: they dance with decreasing spirit, and + finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._ + +_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness. + +_Tommy._ My passing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness. + +_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness? + + [_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but + suddenly sit down side by side._ + +_Jane (with a gasp)._ I don't know what it is--but, + oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar! + +_Tommy (with a gulp)._ I've tumults taking place within that I may say + unruly are. + +_Jane._ Why, TOMMY, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are! + +_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now! + +_Jane._ But you _are_! + +_Tommy._ And so are _you_! + + [_Melancholy music; to which_ TOMMY _and_ JANE, _after a few convulsive + movements, gradually become inanimate. Enter old Farmer_ COPEER _from + gate, carrying a large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."_ + +_Farmer C._ It's time I gave the old bay mare + her drench. [_Stumbles over the children._ + What's here? A lifeless lad!--and little wench! + Been eatin' berries--where did they get _them_ idees? + For cows, when took so, I've the reg'lar remedies. + I'll try 'em here--and if their state the worse is, + Why, they shall have them balls I give my 'erses! + + [_Carries the bodies off just before the W. U. re-enters._ + +_W. U._ The children--gone? yon bush of berries less full! + Hooray, my little stratagem's successful! + + [_Dances a triumphant pas seul. Re-enter Farmer C._ + +_Farmer C._ Been looking for your little niece and nephew? + +_The W. U._ Yes, searching for them everywhere-- + +_Farmer C. (ironically)._ Oh, _hev'_ you? + Then let me tell you, from all pain they're free, Sir. + +_The W. U. (falling on his knees)._ _I_ didn't poison them--it wasn't _me_, + Sir! + +_Farmer C._ I thought as much--a constable I'll run for. [_Exit._ + +_The W. U._ My wretched nerves again! _this_ time I'm done for! + Well, though I'm trapped and useless all disguise is, + My case shall ne'er come on at the Assizes! + [_Rushes desperately to tree and crams himself with the remaining + berries, which produce an almost instantaneous effect. + Re-enter_ TOM _and_ JANE _from gate, looking pale and limp. + Terror of the_ Wicked Uncle _as he turns and recognises them._ + +_The W. U. (with tremulous politeness)._ The shades of JANE and + TOMMY, I presume? [_Re-enter Farmer C._ + +_Jane and Tommy (pointing to Farmer C.)_ His Cattle Mixtures snatched us +from the Tomb! + +_The W. U. (with a flicker of hope)._ Why, then the selfsame drugs will +ease my torments! + +_Farmer C. (chuckling.)_ Too late! they've drunk the lot, the little +vormints! + +_The W. U. (bitterly)._ So out of life I must inglorious wriggle, + Pursued by TOMMY'S grin, and JENNY'S giggle! + + [_Dies in great agony, while_ TOMMY, JANE, _and_ Farmer COPEER + _look on with mixed emotions as the Curtain falls_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RECIPROCAL HOSPITALITY. + +_First Distinguished Colonist._ "BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING OF +THAT NICE YOUNG FELLOW, LORD LIMPET, SINCE YOU CAME TO LONDON--THE MAN +WHO STAYED WITH YOU SO MANY MONTHS AT YOUR STATION LAST YEAR?" + +_Second Ditto, Ditto._ "OH YES! I MET HIM THE OTHER NIGHT AT LADY +BOVRIL'S RECEPTION, AND HE KINDLY BESTOWED UPON ME THE UNUSED HALF OF A +SMILE WHICH HE HAD PUT TOGETHER FOR A PASSING DUKE!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW DANCE OF DEATH. + + "Starving to make a British holiday"-- + And plump his pockets with the _gobemouches'_ pay! + A pretty picture, full of fine humanity + And creditable to the public sanity! + "Sensation" is a most despotic master. + First HIGGINS and then SUCCI! Fast and faster + The flood of morbid sentiment rolls on. + Lion-kings die, and the Sword-swallower's gone + The way of all such horrors, slowly slain + By efforts to please curious brutes, for gain. + What next, and next? Stretch some one on the rack + And let him suffer publicly. 'Twill pack + The show with prurient pryers, and draw out + The ready shillings from the rabble rout + Of well-dressed quidnuncs, frivolous and fickle + Who'll pay for aught that their dull sense will tickle. + Look on, crass crowd; your money freely give + To see Sensation's victims die to live; + For Science knows, and says beneath her breath, + That this "Fast Life" (like other sorts) means Death! + + * * * * * + +RESOLUTIONS FOR THE COSMOPOLITAN LABOUR MEETING. + +(_Compiled with due regard to the International Idiosyncrasies._) + +_French._--That France contains the World, and Paris France. + +_Belgium._--That on the whole, the Slave Trade should be discouraged, as +it cannot be made to yield more than a safe 7 per cent. + +_Germany._--That the best way of showing love for the Fatherland is to +live in every other part of the universe. + +_Spain._--That it will be for the benefit of mankind to exterminate the +Portuguese. + +_Portugal._--That the interests of civilisation will be advanced by the +annihilation of the Spanish. + +_Russian._--That dynamite literally raises not only the mansions of the +nobles, but betters the homes of those who have been serfs. + +_British._--That the equality of man is proved by the fact that one +Englishman is worth a dozen foreigners. + +_American._--That everybody (except citizens of the U.S.A.) pay half a +dollar to the Treasurer right off the reel slick away, and that the sum +so collected be equally divided amongst those present. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Yes; it is a sovereign you owe me--but any time will do_;" _i.e._, "If +he has the least spark of honour he'll pay me now." + +"_Never saw you looking better! Magnificent colour!_" _i.e._, "Evidently +ripening for apoplectic fit." + +"_Pray bring your friend_;" _i.e._, "Doesn't he know how overcrowded my +rooms are already?" + +"_To be perfectly candid_;" _i.e._, "Not sorry to rub it in." + +JOURNALISTIC. + +"_As yet nothing has transpired_;" _i.e._, The reporter was too late to +obtain any information. + +"_Detective Inspector Muggins is actively pursuing his inquiries_;" +_i.e._, Reporter thinks it as well to keep in with MUGGINS, who may be +useful in future. + +EPISTOLATORY. + +"_In great haste_;" _i.e._, "Must make some excuse for scrappiness." + +"_We were all so shocked at hearing of your sad bereavement_;" _i.e._, +"None of us knew her but myself, and _I_ thought her a Cat!" + +AT A DANCE. + +"_Let me get you a partner, Mr.--'er--'er Smith_;" _i.e._, "He'll do for +dowdy Miss JONES, who has only danced once the whole night." + +"_Shall we take a turn round now?_" _i.e._, "She can't waltz any more +than a crane, and parading is better than hopping." + +"_Not dancing to-night, Mr. Sprawle? Now, that's very naughty of you, +with so many nice girls here_;" _i.e._, "What an escape for the nice +girls!" + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_I_ hope _you brought your Music with you, dear_;" _i.e._, "If _only_ +she had left it in the cab!" + +"_I would with pleasure, but I've such a shocking cold that really, +&c._;" _i.e._, "I want a little more pressing, and then I'll come out +strong, and astonish them, I fancy." + +"_Oh do! We have been looking forward to your Banjo-solo all the +evening_;" _i.e._, "With horror!" + +CURIOMANIA, ETC. + +"_How delightful it must be to have such a hobby!_" _i.e._, "Thank +heavens, I am not so afflicted!" + +"_It must have cost you a heap of money_;" _i.e._, "How he's been +'done'!" + +"_What a wonderful collection of pictures you have here!_" _i.e._, "Must +say something. Wouldn't give ten pounds for the lot." + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_So glad you got into the same carriage. A little of your conversation +so lightens a long journey_;" _i.e._, "He'll talk my head off, and +render a nap impossible." + +"_Would you like to look at the papers?_" _i.e._, "May keep her tongue +still for a few minutes." + + * * * * * + +The Busy "B." + + [Mr. BANCROFT has just settled one theatrical difference, and now he + is engaged on a "far more delicate matter"; i.e., a dispute between + a Manager and an Actor.] + + How doth the little busy "B" + Employ each leisure hour? + + By arbitrating all the day + With great dramatic power. + + * * * * * + +EXTREMES MEET.--"_The Darkies' Africa_" is an Eastern entertainment at +Weston's Music Hall. + + * * * * * + +Couldn't Slander and Libel causes be appropriately heard in Sir JAMES +HANNEN'S Admiralty Court, as "Running Down Cases?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE CHEAP FARES. + +_Passengers._ "WE'RE FULL--THERE'S NO ROOM!" + +_Conductor._ "WE MUST MAKE ROOM FOR 'ER. THERE'S ROOM FOR ONE ON THE +NEAR SIDE 'ERE. B'SIDES YOU'RE ALL SHORT PENN'ORTHS, AND SHE'S A +FOURPENN'ORTH--GOES THE WHOLE WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE PROMISE OF MAY." + +(_As the Proletariat paints it._) + + "Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally + disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must + assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the + wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour. + Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria, + Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the + force of example operating through the modern facility of + communication. A universal movement in favour of shorter hours would + seem best fitted to secure the amelioration of the labourer's + lot."--_The Times._ + +_Enthusiastic Operative to his Bench-Mate, loquitur:--_ + + We must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade dear; + To-morrow'll be the biggest day of all the sad New Year; + Of all the sad New Year, mate, the biggest, brightest day; + For to-morrow's the First of May, chummy, to-morrow's _our_ First of May. + + There'll be many a dark, dark eye, chummy, by Thames, and Seine, and + Rhine, + There'll be SALISBURY, and CARNOT, and _Caprivi_ to peak and pine. + For there'll be a stir of the Labourer in every land, they say, + And Toil's to be Queen o' this May, chummy, Toil's to be Queen o' _this_ + May. + + I do sleep sound at night, chummy, but to-morrow morn I'll wake; + The Cry of the Crowd will sound aloud in my ear ere dawn shall break. + 'Twill muster with its booming bands and with its banners gay; + For to-morrow's the Feast of May, brother, to-morrow's our Feast of May. + + They've kept us scattered till now, comrade; but that no more may be: + Our shout goes up in unison by Thames, Seine, Rhine and Spree. + We are not the crushed-down crowd, chummy, we were but yesterday. + We're full of the Promise o' May, brother, mad with the Promise of May! + + They thought us wandering ghosts, brother. Divided strength is slight; + But what will they say when our myriads assemble in banded might? + They call us craven-hearted, but what matter what they say? + They'll know on the First o' May, brother; they'll learn on the First + o' May. + + They say ours is a dying cause, but that can never be: + There's many a heart as bold as TELL'S in the New Democracy. + There's many a million of stalwart lads who toil for poorish pay; + And they'll meet on the First o' May, brother, they'll speak on the + First o' May. + + The tramp of a myriad feet shall sound where the young Spring grass is + green, + Yon Emperor young shall hear, brother, and so shall our gracious QUEEN, + For Labour's hosts to all civic centres shall gather from far away; + The Champs de Mars shall greet Hyde Park on this glorious First o' May. + + The lime is budding forth, brother, lilac our cot embowers, + And the meadows soon shall be a-scent with the snowy hawthorn flowers; + But a bonnier sight shall be the tramping crowds in fustian grey, + Flushed with the Promise o' May, brother, the new-born Promise o' May. + + A wind is with their march, brother, that threatens old claims of Class, + And the grey Spring skies above them seem to brighten as they pass. + Pray heaven there'll be no drop o' rain the whole of the live-long day, + To sadden our First o' May, brother, to sadden our First o' May! + + The labourers of Paris, and the toilers of Berlin, + Will throng to shout for shorter hours, homes happier, and more "tin." + Why even the chilly Times, chummy, is almost constrained to say + There is sense in our First o' May, chummy, hope from our First o' May. + + The Governments are a-gog, brother, _Figaro_ owns as much; + Property quakes when the countless hands of Labour are in touch. + And from Bermondsey to Budapest they are in touch to-day, + Linked for the Feast of May, brother, linked for the Feast of May! + + So we must wake and turn out early, bright and early, comrade, dear; + To-morrow'll be the grandest day of all the green New Year; + To-morrow'll be of all the year the maddest merriest day, + For Toil's to be Queen o' the May, brother. Labour is Queen 'o _this_ + May! + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-writer._) + +No. X.--THE MARTYR _INCOMPRISE_. + +[Illustration] + +The Martyr _Incomprise_ is one who, having in her home erected a stake, +ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her +own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the +saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings +inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to +a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties +and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make +her happy. Time after time does this domestic Sisyphus roll the stone of +contentment up the hill of his wife's temper, and time after time does +it slip from his hands, and go clattering down into the plain of +despair. The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied +with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them +to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her +morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her +husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most +persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices, +it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her +undertaking. + +As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of +wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by +her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her +parents detest her, and desire her death. She will spend the next few +days with her breast luxuriously against the thorn of her fancied +sufferings. She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious +sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature +coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of +their victim with unavailing tears. A somewhat lax method of bringing up +will have enabled her to read many trashy novels. Out of these she +constructs an imaginary hero, all gushing tenderness and a tawny +moustache. Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the +latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former, +and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him +over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic +devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon +afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a +Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery +amidst the ruins. + +And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. She withdraws even +from the affectation of interest in her partner, his friends and his +pursuits. She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the +writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of +heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of +unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large +part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or +in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he +returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having +thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process, +into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband. + +She now gathers round herself a select company of two or three female +friends, whom the easy good-nature of her husband permits to stay in his +house for months at a time. Into their sympathetic ears she pours the +story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of +disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend +the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their +pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality +they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy +him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make +some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their +eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. She will inform them, in a +tone of convinced melancholy, that she has long suspected that she was +of no importance to any one, but that now she knows it for certain. She +will then tell her husband that, as she is no longer allowed to interest +herself in what he does, she has of course no opinion on the matter in +hand, and that, if she had one, she would never think of offering it +when she knows that all interference on her part is always so bitterly +resented. Her husband's temper having exploded in the orthodox marital +manner, she will smile sweetly upon him, and, the butler and footman +having entered with the fish, will implore him, in a voice intended +rather for the servants than for him, to moderate his anger, lest he +should set a bad example. She will then weep silently into her tumbler, +and her friends, after expressing a muttered indignation at the +heartlessness of men, will support her tottering steps from the room. If +her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a +subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting +to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel, +whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an +unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe +her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be +sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind +him. Having thus called attention to his discomfort, and to the care +with which she watches over him, she will take offence when he +countermands the screen; and, after giving the company in general to +understand that she is not allowed to give orders in her own house, she +will, for the rest of the evening, preserve a death-like calm. This will +be followed, on the departure of her guests, by showers of tears and +reproaches, the inevitable prelude to twenty-four hours of salts and +seclusion in the privacy of her bed-room. It is curious to note that, +although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a +distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution +of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those +who live in a whirl of gaiety. Her bills, therefore, mount up, and, in a +moment of unguarded pecuniary prudence, her husband will remonstrate +mildly with her upon her extravagance. She will, thereupon, accuse him +to her friends of meanness, and avow her determination never again to +ask him for money. For a short time she will pay portions of her own +bills, but, finding her pin-money insufficient for the purpose, she will +sell some jewels, and spend the proceeds on a new tea-gown. Her +increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense +of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts +she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will +eventually have to do so. + +After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the +reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and +wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It +will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he +has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he +has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for +society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. His wife will now rage with +jealousy over a defection she has done her best to cause. After a time +she will hire the services of a detective, and will file a petition in +the Divorce Court. The case will probably be undefended, and the Court +having listened to her tale of cruelty, the imaginative boldness of +which will startle even the friend who corroborates it in the +witness-box, will decree to her a divorce from the supposed author of +her sufferings. She will then set up for a short time as an object of +universal pity, but, meeting a bluff and burly widower, she will accept +him as her second husband. After having wearied of her constant recital +of her former misery, this husband will begin to neglect and ill-use her +in good earnest. Under the tonic of this genuine shock, her spirits may +revive; and it is as likely as not that she will enjoy many years of +mitigated happiness as the wife of a real tyrant. + + * * * * * + +MORE NOVELTIES.--Sir,--The Fasting Man seems to have been a great +success. Why shouldn't he be succeeded by The Stuffing Man, The Eating +Boy, and The Talking Man. The last of these would be backed to talk +incessantly on every possible subject for forty days. In the Recess, +what a chance for Mr. GLADSTONE, or, indeed, for any Parliamentary +orator, who, otherwise, would be on the stump! Instead of his going to +the Country, the Country, and London, too, would come to him. Big +business for Aquarium and for Talking Man. Then there would be The +Sneezing Man, The Smoking Man, The Singing Man, The Drinking Man, and so +forth. It's endless. I only ask for a per-centage on gate-money, and I +place the idea at the disposition of the Aquarium. + +Yours, + + THE OTHER MAN. + + * * * * * + +YET ANOTHER QUARTERLY.--_Subjects of the Day_--sounds like an Algerian +publication--is a quarterly review of current topics. The motto of this +new quarterly review of Messrs. ROUTLEDGE'S is "_Post Tenebras Lux_" +which, being freely translated, means, "after the heavy reviews this +comes as a little light reading!" Ahem! the subject of No. 1 is +Education, and to study the essays in this volume will keep any reader +well occupied till the appearance of No. 2. + + * * * * * + +THE LEGEND OF THE BRIAR-ROOT. + +(_Suggestion for companion subject to "The Briar Rose," by E. +Burne-Jones, A.R.A., now exhibiting at Messrs. Agnew & Sons' Gallery, +Bond Street._) + +[Illustration: + +THE BRIAR-WOOD PIPE. EFFECT ON THE SMOKERS. + + The fateful odour fumes and goes + About the angle of the Nose. + +THE BED-ROOM. + + They smoked and smoked a pipe a-piece: + Thus did their drowsiness increase. + +SHORT CUT THROUGH THE GARDEN. + + The Maidens thought the pipe to fill: + They smoked, and now they all lie still. + +THE NOSE BOWER. _LA BELLE PIPE-EN-BOIS DORMANT._ + + _'Twas five o'clock, the hour of tea; + But, having smoked, they're as you see_.] + + * * * * * + +TIPS FROM THE TAPE. + +(_Picked up in Mr. Punch's Own Special City Corner._) + +EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest +in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all +classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special +"Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had +appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with +applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I +have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and +outsiders, asking me for mine. With five tapes always on the move, +telephonic communication with everywhere, and my telegraphic address of +"Panjimcracks," comfortably installed in a third-floor flat in +commanding premises, within a stone's throw of the Stock Exchange, I +flatter myself that, at least in all the surroundings of my position, I +am, acting under your instructions, well up to the mark. + +You would wish naturally to know something of the state of the market, +and would doubtless like to hear from me, if there is any particular +investment that I can recommend as safe for a rise. I have been giving +some attention lately to + + PATAGONIAN CROCODILES, + +but from news that has reached me from a private and most reliable +source (I hear that the Chairman and Directors, who have gone off with +the balance-sheet have disappeared, and have not been heard of for +months) I should strongly advise, if you hold any of it, to get rid of +it, if you can, as soon as possible. I have a similar tale to tell about + + HERNEBAY Z'S. + +This Stock has been run up by purchasers for the fall; and, though in +October last it somehow touched 117-3/8, it is now standing at 9-1/4, +and, spite the rumours of increased traffic receipts (due to the fact +that a family drove up to the station last week in a cab), artfully put +into circulation by interested holders, I would certainly get out of it +before the issue of the forthcoming Report, which I hear, on good +authority, not only announces the payment of no dividend on the +Debenture Stock, but makes the unwelcome statement to the shareholders +of the prospective seizure of the whole of the rolling stock under a +debtors' summons, a catastrophe that must land the affairs of the +Company in inevitable bankruptcy. Under these circumstances, I do not +think I can conscientiously advise you to "hold;" still, you might watch +the Market for a day or two; but, at any rate, take my advice, and get +rid of your "Crocodiles." + +I subjoin some of my correspondence:-- + + DEAR SIR,--I am in the somewhat embarrassing position of being + responsible for L5000 under the marriage settlement of a niece, + that, owing to my want of financial knowledge, has, I fear, been + somewhat injudiciously, if not absolutely, illegally invested by my + Co-Trustee. Though the settlement stipulates that only Government + Stocks and Railway Debentures are available, I find that the money + at the present moment is thus disposed of:-- + + Purchasing Present Last + Security. Price. Price. Div. + +L1000 Kangaroo Copper Trust 193 13-1/8 None + + 2000 Bursters' Patent Coffin Company 157 4 None + + 1000 Battersea Gold Syndicate 235 7-1/2 None + + 500 International Balloon Transit 170 Nil. None + + 500 Bolivian Spasmodics 194 9-1/8 None + +You see it is not so much the depreciated value of the Securities, which +certainly read well, but the absence of the Dividend which perplexes me. +What would be your advice? Should I sell, or continue to hold? + + A PUZZLED TRUSTEE. + +We should certainly hold. + + SIR,--Acting on the advice of a friend who is in the Directorate, I + have largely invested in the Automatic Hair-cutting Company. Owing, + however, to the fact that customers, who will not hold their heads + properly, have on several occasions latterly had their ears trimmed, + and a pattern cut on their necks, several actions for heavy damages + have been brought against the concern. These having been successful + in every case, the Company is virtually ruined, and the shares are, + in consequence, almost unsaleable. What should I do with mine? + + AN ANXIOUS SPECULATOR. + +Hold. The Company has evidently touched bottom. Wait for the rise. + +You will see from the above specimens, taken at random from a heap of +others, that I utterly deprecate panic. "Never cut losses" is the +wholesome and cheerful advice I give all my clients. There cannot be a +doubt about it being thoroughly sound; for it stands to reason if no one +were to sell out, no securities would ever fall. So, to nine out of ten +who ask my advice I invariably say, "Hold." Though I have several stocks +in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I +have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I +have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the +sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. In my new system +three-and-sixpence will cover L500! Here will be a chance for even the +schoolboy to taste the delights of Monte Carlo. But more of this later. +Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I +can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the +fortune of every one concerned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: Charles Wynd'em Up.] + +THEATRICAL SHORT SERVICE BILL.--CHARLES THE SECOND (WYNDHAM) is +following in the footsteps of CHARLES THE FIRST (MATHEWS) and beginning +to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a +three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. +At least, he is _Trying It On_. How far preferable, in the summer and +autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three +_entrees_, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. +The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an +hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for +the actor's art, too, by way of varying his _roles_. The stall people +would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, +however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece +which only bores them. To see short pieces, they might come two or three +times instead of once, and the management could make a reduction on +taking a quantity. + +There is a small fortune waiting for this CHARLES, or t'other CHARLES, +'yclept HAWTREY, whichever may take up the idea and work it. + + AUDI MAGISTRUM PUNCHIUM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WINDOW STUDIES. + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. (THREE CAB-RUNNERS AFTER ONE SMALL PORTMANTEAU.)] + + * * * * * + +STANLEY AFRICANUS! + +_Mr. Punch loquitur:--_ + + "MR. STANLEY, I presume!" Well, the crowd will fuss and fume, + From the mob you'll get, no doubt, a noisy greeting:; + But I'm pleased to take your hand on the threshold of the land; + This is truly a most gratifying meeting! + Nay, no need for you to blush, for I am not going to gush + There are plenty who'll indulge in fuss and flummery. + Heroes like to be admired, but you'll probably be tired + Of tall-talk ere this spring greenery shows summery. + "An illustrious pioneer," says the Belgian King. 'Tis clear + That at any rate you've earned that appellation. + True words tell, though tattlers twist 'em, and a "mighty fluvial system" + You have opened up no doubt to civilisation. + Spreading tracts of territory 'tis your undisputed glory + To have footed for the first time (save by savages), + The result will be that Trade will there supersede the raid + Of the slaver, and the ruthless chieftain's ravages. + That is useful work well done, and it hasn't been all fun, + As you found in that huge awful tract of forest, + And you must have felt some doubt of your chance of winning out + Of all perils when your need was at the sorest. + Mortal sickness now and then, and the pranks of lesser men, + Must have tried your iron health and steely temper. + But, like SCIPIO of old, you 're as patient as you're bold, + And you turn up tough and timely, _idem semper_! + + STANLEY AFRICANUS! Yes, that's a fitting name, I guess, + For as stout a soul as PUBLIUS CORNELIUS; + And now, probably, there's no man will not dub you "noblest Roman," + Though you once had many a foeman contumelious. + Have them still? Oh yes, no doubt; but just now they'll scarce speak out + In a tone to mar the laudatory chorus: + Though when once they've had a look, HENRY mine, in your Big Book, + They with snips, and snaps, and snarls, are sure to bore us. + Well, that will not matter much if you only keep in touch + With all that is humane, and wise, and manly. + Your time has been well spent in that huge Dark Continent, + And all England's word to-day is, "Welcome, STANLEY!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STANLEY AFRICANUS! + +MR. PUNCH (_saluting_). "MR. STANLEY, I PRESUME!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +In his _By Order of the Czar_ Mr. JOSEPH HATTON exposes the cruelties of +Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The +headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting +to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the +Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes +might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the +Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid +handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is +prohibited by the Government of the CZAR from circulation in Russia." +How fortunate--not, of course, for the Russians, poor things, to be +deprived of this treat--but how fortunate that it is not prohibited +_here_! With Mr. JOSEPH HATTON continuously in his thoughts, the BARON +has sung ever since--not only "_In the Gloaming_," be it understood, but +during the following day, and well into the succeeding night--"_Best_ +for him (J. H), _and best_ for me (B. DE B. W.)." The novel should have +a large general circulation, in spite of the boycotting to which it has +been locally subjected in St. Petersburg, Moscow, and Siberia. + +Miss JEANIE MIDDLEMASS has made a step in the right direction by +publishing _Two False Moves_. Like all her work, the new novel is deeply +interesting. As it is full of "go," it is sure to be continually on the +march in the circulating libraries. + +In _Miss Mephistopheles_, Mr. FEARGUS HUME gives us a story much in +advance of _The Mystery of a Hansom Cab_. It is better in construction, +its character sketches are more life-like, and its literary style is +superior--therefore there is every chance of its not being so successful +with the general public. + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS & CO. + + * * * * * + +COURT NAPPING. + +MRS. WOOD can't expect to be always the lucky possessor of a _Dandy +Dick_, nor can Mr. PINERO hope always to be up to that really good +farcical standard. The good PINERO has nodded over this. _The Cabinet +Minister_ is an excellent title thrown away. The Cabinet Minister +himself, Mr. ARTHUR CECIL, in his official costume, playing the flute, +is as burlesque as the General in full uniform, in Mr. GILBERT'S +"_Wedding March_," sitting with his feet in hot-water. The married boy +and girl, with their doll baby and irritatingly unreal quarrels, +reminded me of the boy-and-girl lovers in _Brantingham Hall_. The mother +of _The Macphail_--the wooden Scotch figure (represented by Mr. B. +THOMAS) still to be seen at the door of small tobacconists,--is a +Helen-Macgregorish bore, curiously suggestive of what Mr. RIGHTON might +look like in petticoats. Mrs. JOHN WOOD'S part is a very trying one, and +not what the public expect from her. + +[Illustration: Court in the Act; or, Mag-Pi-nero flying to a Wood with a +few leaves from the Gilbertum Topsyturveycum Bookum.] + +Though the piece begins fairly well, yet it is dull until Mr. WEEDON +GROSSMITH, as _Joseph Lebanon_, comes on the scene in the Second Act, +when everyone begins to be amused, and ends by being disappointed. +_Joseph_ remains the hero of the situation, and, cad as he is, the +behaviour of the ladies and gentlemen towards him reduces them to his +level, so that, in spite of its being a farce, we begin to pity him as +we pity Mr. GUTHRIE'S _Pariah_, and as those who remember THEODORE +HOOK'S novel have pitied that wretched little cad, _Jack Brag_. The part +is not equal to _Aunt Jack's_ Solicitor, and had Mr. GROSSMITH, by the +kind permission of Mr. PINERO, departed from the conventional Adelphi +and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done +better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that +characterised the first performances of _Engaged_ at the Haymarket, +which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one +can possibly feel any interest in the lovers. + +As a rule Mr. PINERO'S stage-management is simple and effective: but +here the design is confused and the result is an appearance of restless +uncertainty. Drumdurris Castle seems to be a lunatic asylum, of which +the principal inmates are two elderly female patients, one, like a +twopence-coloured plate of some ancient Scotch heroine, with a craze +about Scotland, and the other mad on saying "Fal-lal," and screaming out +something about "motives." If eight of the characters were cut out, +"they'd none of 'em be missed," and if the play were compressed into one +Act, it would contain the essence of all that was worth retaining, and, +with a few songs and dances, might make an attractive _lever de rideau_ +or "laughable farce to finish," before, or after, a revival of _Dandy +Dick_. + + AMICUS CANDIDUS. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S PROVERBS UP TO DATE. + +An acre of land in Melbourne is better than two miles in the bush. + +Not enough at the Aquarium pays better than a feast. + +You may start a train punctually from the terminus, but you can't get it +to keep its time _en route_. + +You can't make an English purse out of an Irish Land Bill. + +A Tea Duty will annoy for ever. + +It is the early Tram-man who holds the morning meeting. + +Look after the wire-fences for the horses and the hounds will take care +of themselves. + +A man may go nine times to Holloway for contempt, and after the tenth +visit come before the Official Receiver and be broke. + +A School Board is soon parted from its money. + +Give a dog a muzzle and you needn't chain him. + + * * * * * + +"NOTHING WHEN YOU'RE ROOSE'D TO IT,"--We've heard plenty about _diner a +la Roose_, and the _Here and There and Everywhere and Fare of London +Life_, but now we are to have _Fasting a la Roose_. Vide article in May +number of _New Review_ on Fasting, by Dr. ROBINSON CRUSOE,--beg +pardon,--should have said Dr. ROBSON ROOSE O. Article not variation on +ROOSE O'S Dream, but thoroughly practical. + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Wednesday, April 30._--_Mr. Punch_ rises early and appears everywhere. +Whole holiday. General rejoicings. Grand Banquet in the evening as +usual. Private Reception of Mr. STANLEY, I presume. No one admitted +without orders--on his uniform. Great reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by +his Hairdresser. + +_Thursday, May 1._--Headaches. Chimney Sweeper's Day. Sootable occasion +for Sweeping Reform Meetings everywhere. N. B.--Edinburgh Exhibition. +Scots wha' hae. Reception of Mr. H. M. STANLEY by the eminent Explorer's +tailor, bootmaker, and hosier. + +_Friday, May 2._--Strictly Private View of the Pictures at Burlington +House. Admissions limited to not more than 100,000 patrons of Art. Quiet +day. Everybody preparing speech for the Academy Banquet to-morrow. +Deputation to Mr. H. M. STANLEY from Aquarium, to ask if he will take +SUCCI'S place. + +_Saturday._--Great Cooking Match at the Cafe Royal, Lunch Time, Trial +Steaks. Opening of the front door by Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Snug little +dinner at Burlington House. Sir FREDERICK, P. R. A., in the chair. +Musical entertainment by Mr. WHISTLER. Fireworks by Mr. H-RRY F-RN-SS. + +_Sunday.--Dies Non._ No Day!! Curious effect. Gas lighted everywhere. +Private Banquet to Mr. STANLEY, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, +and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings. + +_Monday._--Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every +sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by +Mr. H. M. STANLEY. Mrs. SNOOKS'S first dance, if she has learnt it in +time for to-night. + +_Tuesday._--Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual +festival, ROBERT, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M. +STANLEY, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, +excursions, alarums. + +_Wednesday._--_Mr. Punch_ comes out stronger than ever. Congratulatory +telegrams from all parts of Europe. Banquet as usual. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: The Scandinavian Composer.] + +_Tuesday, April 22._--Mr. BENNETT'S Libretto of _Thorgrim_ good from +literary point of view; poor from dramatic ditto. Composer COWEN not +possessing dramatic power sufficient for two, cannot supply the want. +Sestett and Chorus, end of Act II., skilfully worked up, and received +with acclamation. Opera, in a general way, Wagnerish. Orchestration +shows the hand of a master, Master COWEN. Local colour good, but too +much local colour spoils the Opera. Mr. McGUCKIN is _Thorgrim_ to the +life; singing, acting, and make-up admirable. Miss ZELIE DE LUSSAN +highly commendable. Miss TREMELLI, mother of _Helgi_ (an ugly name and +scarcely mentionable to ears polite), loud and leading as a +lady-villain. _Helgi_ and _Arnora_ are first cousins (not once removed) +to _Telrammond_ the Tedious and _Ortrude_ the Orful. Mr. CELLI as +_King_, a sort of Scandinavian BEAU BRUMMEL, imparts light comedy touch +to Opera, which, but for this, might have been a trifle dull. COWEN +called, came, congratulated. H. R. H. Prince of WALES, setting the best +example, as he always does, to Opera-goers, came at the beginning and +remained to the end. + +_April 23._--_Maritana_ delighted everyone. Miss GEORGINA BURNS +splendid. Mr. JOHN CHILD, as _Caesar_, good child. Mr. LESLIE CROTTY good +for _Jose_. + +_April 26._--_Lohengrin._ _King_ played by POPE with considerable amount +of temporal power. F. DAVIES good as the _Herald_, but which _Herald_ he +is, whether the "Family" or "New York" not quite clear. Incidental music +by amateurs in the Gallery, who, in lengthy interval between Second and +Third Scenes of Last Act, whistled "_We won't go home till morning!_" + +Carl Rosa Opera season soon over, then Drama at Drury Lane, and Italian +Opera at Covent Garden. AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS OPERATICUS +COUNTICOUNCILLARIUS (Sheriff _in posse_, Alderman _in futuro_, and Lord +Mayor _in futurissimo_) keeps the ball a rolling at both Houses. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRICTLY PRIVATE VIEW, ROYAL ACADEMY.] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +The Duke of DUMPSHIRE seems to have been much annoyed by my statement +that he killed two trainers with his own hand, for being caught watching +a trial of his Derby horses, and that the Jockey Club took no action. I +beg to inform his Grace and those who approve his methods, that I care +no more for their annoyance than I do for the muddy-minded lucubrations +of Mr. JEREMY and his servile tribe of moon-calves. I have public duties +to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should +find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile +prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure +my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. I therefore repeat +that, in the middle of last month, the Duke of DUMPSHIRE killed two +trainers, and that up to the present time the Jockey Club have not +enforced against him the five-pound penalty which is specially provided +by their rules for offences of this sort. When Mr. JACOBS, who has no +aristocratic connections, ventured to lynch a rascally tout on Newmarket +Heath last year, he was made to pay up at once. The contrast is +suggestive. + +A lot of jannering nonsense has been talked about _Bazaar_ by the +Will-o'-the-Wisps who mislead the long-suffering public in turf matters. +_Bazaar_ is by _Rector_ out of _Church Mouse_, and in his pedigree are +to be found such well-known roarers as _Boanerges_ and _Hallelujah +Sal_--not much of a recommendation to anybody except Mr. JEREMY. His own +performances are worse than contemptible. As a two-year old, he was +placed second at eight stone to _Candlestick_ in the Warmington Open +Welter Handicap. After that he sprang a curb in the middle of his back, +and the fools who train him actually brought him out to run in the +All-aged Selling Plate at Ballymacwhacket. He won the race easily enough +of course, but only an impostor, whose head was stuffed with horsehair, +would attach the least importance to that. Since then he has eaten two +pairs of spurs, a halter, and half of a jockey, which scarcely looks +like winning races. I have now relieved my conscience on the matter, so +if the puddle-brains wish to back him, their loss must lie at their own +doors. + +The Marquis de MILLEPARDON has bought _Chowbock_ for L2000. At the last +Epsom Meeting _Chowbock_ showed himself a fine pace-maker in an East +wind, having cantered in from _Sister Mary_, who as good as walked round +_Vilikins_ when the latter was being tried without his pastern-pad on +the Cotswold Hills. At the same time it must be remembered, that _Sister +Mary_ only got home by a length from _Smockfrock_, after having been +double-girthed and provided with a bucket of POCOCK'S antiseptic, +anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the +Newmarket T. Y. C. + +Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the +present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr. +JEREMY and his quacking, goose-headed parasites. + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF NAME.--M. SUCCI, having succeeded in existing for forty days +on water alone, will henceforth be known as Water-SUCCI. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +"IS THIS A DAGGER THAT I SEE BEFORE ME?"] + + * * * * * + +HOW I WELCOMED STANLEY. + +(_Notes of a Very Important Journey._) + +Left Victoria by special train. On my road met my dear old friend BROWN. +We were boys together. Nothing I would not do for him. BROWN says the +dearest object of his life is to welcome STANLEY. Can't I take him with +me? (This on learning the nature of _my_ expedition.) He is off to +Canada to-morrow--early. More sorry than I can say--impossible. Only +invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part--it may be for +years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special +train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome STANLEY. Dearest +object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of +adventure. Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would +have defended Metz if he had been BAZAINE. Man who went through the +Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous), says if he _had_ been BAZAINE he +wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because BAZAINE was a traitor. Row +imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. +Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and +children. The good ship--well, never mind the name of ship; have +forgotten it--lurches, gives one long roll, and sinks! Remaining +passengers, headed by myself, swarm up the rigging to the mizzen-top. +High sea, thunder and lightning. Great privations. Sun sinks in red, +moon rises in green. All hope gone, when--hurrah, a sail! It is the +life-boat! Slung on board by ropes. Rockets and coloured lights let off. +The coxswain calls upon the crew to "pull blue," or "pull white." +Startling adventures. On the rocks! Off them! Saved! Everybody pleased +with my story. Keep to myself the fact that I have only once in my life +been on board a life-boat--when it was practising off Lynton. No more +stories after mine. Company (disheartened) break up into groups. Pleased +with the scenery. After all, there is no place like Dover--when you stop +there. Glad I am not going to welcome STANLEY on the other side of the +Channel. London, Chatham and Dover Railway arrangements capital, +especially when you are travelling _en prince_. + +Ah, here we are at Dover! Meet JONES--of course, he is going to welcome +STANLEY. So are SNOOKS and SMITH. And, as I live, old TOMPKINS! Well, +this is very plucky of old TOMPKINS. Thought he was dead years ago. Says +he would not miss STANLEY for worlds. More would I. Great privilege to +welcome him. Feel it most deeply. The greatest explorer of the age. But +sea-air has made me a trifle hungry and thirsty. I daresay lunch is +going on somewhere. Find it isn't! Deputation of Vergers, seemingly from +Canterbury Cathedral, headed by a beadle, carrying an ear-trumpet, +forcing their way through crowd. Police arrangements the reverse of +satisfactory. Distinguished proprietor of influential newspaper +hustled--possibly mistaken for EMIN PASHA, who would be _de trop_ on +such an occasion. But must have lunch. Not up to form of Signor SUCCI. +So avoid the brilliant but giddy throng, and find out a favourite little +restaurant close to the Lord Warden. French _plats_ and some excellent +_Grave_. Know the _Grave_ of old--seldom asked for, and so kept long in +bottle. Order a nice little luncheon and feel rather sleepy. Luncheon +ready. Do it justice, and fancy suddenly that I am in charge of the lamp +in a lighthouse. Rough night. Ah! the life-boat! manned by old TOMPKINS +(adventurous chap old TOMPKINS) SNOOKS, JONES, SMITH and BROWN. Thought +latter had gone to Canada! Open eyes with a start. Waiter and bill. +Bless me, how late it is. Must be off at once to welcome STANLEY. Meet +old TOMPKINS, SNOOKS, JONES and SMITH instead. They tell me that they +have all welcomed STANLEY. Found him being "run into" the train by two +policemen! Thought him looking very well. Didn't I? Ask, where is he +now? Don't I know? Why gone back by the special! Thought I must have +missed it on purpose. Hurry away in bad temper. May catch him up. Pop +into fast train just starting. Scenery bad. Weather horrid. Fellow +travellers unsupportable. Ah, here we are at last at Victoria. One +satisfaction--BROWN didn't welcome him either. Why here _is_ BROWN on +the platform--do him a last good turn--describe STANLEY. I tell him that +the great explorer looks younger than ever, wears big cap, white suit, +revolver and field-glasses. Every inch a portrait in the _Daily +Graphic_! BROWN says, "That's strange, as he didn't look like _that_ +when _he_ saw him!" Appears BROWN put off trip to Canada to welcome him. +Can't be helped! Shall meet STANLEY somewhere (movements advertised +daily in the _Times_) and when I _do_ won't I give him a bit of my mind, +for not waiting long enough to let me welcome him! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 21._--House really beginning to fill +up. HARTINGTON back from the Riviera. First time he has appeared this +Session; lounged in with pretty air of having been there yesterday and +just looked in again. Blushed with surprise to find Members on both +sides welcoming him with cheer. + +"We all like HARTINGTON," said SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "Of course we +liked him better when he agreed with our opinions; but we can't all keep +straight, and he's gone wrong. Still, we bear him no malice. Sorry he +was ill; glad he's better. Must encourage this benevolent attitude +towards him, since it enables us, with fuller vigour to denounce +CHAMBERLAIN. You see, when we howl at CHAMBERLAIN, they can't say we are +simply moved by personal spite, because here we are cheering HARTINGTON +as he returns to the fray." + +JOHN DILLON back too; bronzed with Australian suns; ruddy with the +breezes of lusty Colorado. Everyone glad to see JOHN back; first because +everyone likes him; next for reasons akin to those which the SAGE +frankly acknowledges when cheering HARTINGTON. Even in the evil days +when JOHN DILLON used to fold his arms and flash dark glances of +defiance on Speaker BRAND, House didn't include him in same angry, +uncompromising, denunciation as hurtled round head of WILLIAM O'BRIEN, +TIM HEALY, and dear old JOSEPH GILLIS. JOHN DILLON sometimes suspended; +occasionally sent to prison; but the honesty of his motives, the purity +of his patriotism, always acknowledged. Mistaken, led astray (that is to +say differed from us on matters of opinion), but meant well. + +[Illustration: The Sage.] + +"Yes, TOBY," said the SAGE, lighting another cigarette; "always well +when you're going it hot for a Party to have some individual in it whom +you can omit from general implication of infamous motives. Gives one +high moral standpoint, doncha know. Thus, when I want to suggest that +THE MARKISS is a mere tool in hands of BISMARCK, I extol honest purposes +of OLD MORALITY; hint, you know, that he is not so sharp of perception +as he might be; but that gives him the fuller claim upon our sympathy, +seeing that he is yoked with a colleague of the natural depravity, and +capable of the infinite iniquity, which marks the MARKISS'S relations +with public affairs. The great thing, dear TOBY, in public controversy +is to assume an attitude of impartiality. When you have to suggest that +a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, +do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an +opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his +colleagues, seize it. That's why we cheer HARTINGTON to-night, and why +the Tories sometimes admit that JOHN DILLON'S an honest man." + +_Business done._--_Parnell_ moved rejection of Land Purchase Bill. + +_Tuesday._--COURTNEY on in his famous quick-change scene. One minute he +is discovered in recesses of canopied chair as Speaker; the next is +seated at table as Chairman of Committees. SPEAKER, everyone sorry to +learn, is ill in bed. So COURTNEY doubles his part. Proceeding watched +with profound interest from Strangers' Gallery. At ten minutes and ten +seconds to Seven House in Committee of Supply. COURTNEY in Chair at +table; Mace off the table; TANNER on his legs. As hand of clock falters +over the numeral ten, COURTNEY gets up, says never a word, wheels to +right out of Chair and marches to rear. TANNER stops midway in sentence +and resumes seat. Sergeant-at-Arms bowing thrice advances, lifts Mace on +to table, and retires. Stranger in Gallery wondering what has become of +COURTNEY, appalled by discovering him in SPEAKER'S Chair, quite a new +man. On these occasions marks his swiftly varying condition by altered +tone of voice. As Chairman of Committees, assumes piping treble voice, +as Deputy-Chairman drops occasional observations in profound bass. + +[Illustration: Sergeant-at-Arms (and Legs).] + +"Only thing left to me, dear TOBY," he said, when I congratulated him on +his treble. "Haven't time to change dress, even if it were permissible; +must do something to mark wide gulf fixed between Chairman of Committee +and SPEAKER; so hit upon this scheme. Glad you like the treble; a little +out of my line, but practice makes perfect." + +At Evening Sitting question of Labour and Capital brought on by BARTLEY. +CUNNINGHAME-GRAHAM let House see what a terrible fellow he is. Doesn't +look the part; but after speech to-night no question of his innate +ferocity. _Sim Tappertit_ not in it for such blood-curdling remarks. "I +have," he said just now, "often interfered between Capital and Labour; +but, thank Heaven! I have never interfered in the character of a +conciliator." + +"Ha, ha!" he cried, a little later, _a propos_ of nothing. "You talk of +inciting to violence. I have never incited to violence, and wherefore? +Because, in present state of affairs, with society a vast organised +conspiracy, violence would recoil on the heads of the Working Classes. +But, Sir, the time will come when things will be otherwise, and the very +moment that power is in the hands of the Working Classes I shall incite +them to violence." + +After this House took early opportunity of adjourning. Pretty to see +Members stealing across Palace Yard in the dark, looking furtively right +and left, not sure that moment was not come, and SIMON CUNNINGHAME +TAPPERTIT GRAHAM was not hounding on his "United Bulldogs" against the +Classes. "We must look out, BROADHURST," said JAMES ROWLANDS, nervously +rubbing his hand. "It's all very well of your retiring to Cromer. I +think I shall practise with a revolver; shall certainly carry a +sword-stick." + +_Business done._--Budget Resolutions through Committee. + +_Thursday Night._--HOME SECRETARY came down to-day in unusually good +spirits. Nothing happened of late to give enemy occasion to blaspheme. +Crewe affair seems quite forgotten; nobody going to be hanged when he +ought to be reprieved, or reprieved when he ought to be hanged. Seems +almost as if, after all, life for HOME SECRETARY would be worth living. +Whatever embarrassments ahead belong to other Departments of Ministry. +Land Purchase troubles, not the HOME SECRETARY, nor Bi-Metallism either. +RAIKES been doing something at the Post Office. GOSCHEN been tampering +with tea, and sinning in the matter of currants. Something wrong with +the Newfoundland Fisheries, but that FERGUSSON'S look-out. True, ELCHO +wanting to know about some prisoners taken from Ipswich to Bury in +chains. Sounds bad sort of thing; sure to be letters in newspapers about +it. But HOME SECRETARY able to lay hand on heart and swear the chains +were light. ELCHO blustered a bit. Irish Members, naturally interested +in arrangements for going to prison, threateningly cheered; but after +what MATTHEWS had suffered in other times this affair lighter than the +chains themselves. + +Incident had passed; questions on paper disposed of; soon be debating +Land Purchase Bill; all would be well for at least another day. Suddenly +up gets HARCOURT; wants to know who is responsible for the design of new +police buildings on Thames Embankment? Flush of pride mantles brow of +MATTHEWS. This red-hot building--its gables, its roofs, its windows, its +doorways, and its twisted knockers--was designed under his direction. It +is his dower to London, set forth on one of its most spacious sites. +What does HARCOURT want to know about it? Why is PLUNKET so studious in +repudiating all responsibility for the thing? Wherefore does crowded +House cheer and laugh when HARCOURT gives notice to call attention to +building on Home Office Vote? Can it be possible that here is another +mistake? Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging +him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. +Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London +would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind. + +"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the +stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like +it," said HOME SECRETARY, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some +people, TOBY, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the +people of London." + +_Business done._--Debate on Land Purchase Bill. + +_Friday._--Things rather in a muddle to-day all round. At Morning +Sitting didn't get Supply which everybody expected would be order of +day; didn't proceed with Allotments Bill, which was first on Orders. At +night, PROVAND on first with Dried Currants; MCLAREN to follow with +Woman's Suffrage, neither turned up, and at half-past eleven by dint of +Closure, got into Committee of Supply. GEORGE CAMPBELL cruising up and +down in New Guinea steamer; finally docked. Then ARTHUR WILLIAMS moved +to report progress; more discussion; OLD MORALITY pounced; Division on +Closure; COURTNEY named SHEEHY as one of tellers; SHEEHY in Limerick; +House couldn't wait for him to return; so WADDY brought out of Lobby to +tell with TANNER. When Closure carried, it was ten minutes past one. +House bound to rise at one o'clock; Chairman equally bound to put the +question, which was to report progress. Motion for progress negatived, +which meant that the House would go on with business; but it being a +quarter past one Deputy-Speaker must needs leave Chair, and so sitting +collapsed. + +"Dear me!" said BOLTON, "this is hard to understand. Must go off to the +Garrick and think it over." + +_Business done._--None. + +[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. 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