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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/30690-0.txt b/30690-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5289168 --- /dev/null +++ b/30690-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3632 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Casual Ward, by A. D. Godley + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Casual Ward + academic and other oddments + + +Author: A. D. Godley + + + +Release Date: December 16, 2009 [eBook #30690] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** + + +Transcribed from the 1912 Smith, Elder & Co. edition by David Price, +email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + THE + CASUAL WARD + + + ACADEMIC AND OTHER + ODDMENTS + + * * * * * + + BY + A. D. GODLEY + + * * * * * + + LONDON + SMITH, ELDER & CO. + 15 WATERLOO PLACE + 1912 + [_All rights reserved_] + + PRINTED BY + WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED + LONDON AND BECCLES + + CONTENTS + PAGE +M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO 1 +THE EIGHTS IN FICTION 6 + I. OLD STYLE 6 + II. NEW OR KODAK STYLE (From the French) 10 +THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA 13 +HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK 17 +TAC. HIST., BK. VI 21 +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH 24 + I. THE TRUE TALE OF TROY 24 + II. FORGOTTEN HISTORY 32 +PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY 38 +PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE’S WILL 43 +THE TUTOR’S EXPEDIENT 49 +THE END AND OBJECT— 64 +THE TORTURED TUTOR: A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD 71 +THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL 77 +THE NATION IN ARMS 87 +THE INCUBUS 92 +THE WORKING MAN 94 +CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM 97 +FORECAST 100 +PAGEANTS 103 +RULES FOR FICTION 105 +ART AND LETTERS 107 +THE NOVEL 112 +FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD 116 +THE PUPILS’ POINT OF VIEW 119 +HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS 122 +EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY 125 +UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS 127 +DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE 130 +ICHABOD: A MONODY 133 +THE PANACEA 137 +THE HEROIC AGE 139 +MAKERS OF HISTORY 142 +ALMA MATER FILIO 145 +IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM 148 + + + +Nearly all the flights in this book have been first taken in the +_Cornhill Magazine_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _Saturday Review_. +They are reproduced by the kind permission of the Editors of these +periodicals. I am allowed also to reprint a set of verses published by +Messrs. Constable & Co. + + A. D. G. + +_November_, 1912 + + + + +M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO + + +[LITERALLY TRANSLATED BY A BALLIOL FIRST-CLASS MAN] + +[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the precincts of the Bodleian +Library] + +I. Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript Fathers, you are now +called upon to decide: whether to one man by the counsel and advice of +Curators it is to be permitted that he should take away from you the +power of placing in the Proscholium the instruments of celerity, the +assistances of (your) feet, the machines appointed by a certain natural +providence for the performance of your duties: whether, in which place +our ancestors sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of +the Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one +guardian of books. O singular impudence of the man! For be unwilling, +Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe that in this pretence of +consulting for (the interests of) a public building something more is not +also being aimed at and sought to be obtained: in such a way (_lit._ so) +he attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the liberty +of each one of you: that by this example and as it were by the thin end +of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a royal power over all +these things, which I (as) consul preserved. Concerning which matter I +could say much, if time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable +condition of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns +from (their) fortunes. + +II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the Doctors, what! +shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of men nothing can exist +more holy, nothing more upright, nothing more auspiciously established) +be compelled to come on foot that they may consult those most sacred +volumes in which the Roman people have wished that all learning should be +included? The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I +believe, walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them +against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) happens, +some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer (their) bicycles +lacking shelter to be most miserably corrupted by rain. It has been +handed down to memory, Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was +permitted by the republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible +fortitude, to be borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a +dinner. Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped that he might +by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: shall we, who desire to +hasten not for the sake of lust and the belly, but for the sake of this +learning and books, be forbidden to employ bicycles? I pray and entreat +you, Conscript Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the +heart itself and entrails of the commonwealth. + +III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I name; for the sake +of honour) is near, in which machines may be sheltered. O thing before +unheard (of)! From which place even undergraduates have been excluded by +a certain divine will: into that shall bicycles be thrown? O times, O +manners! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the studies of most +learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in this way. Moreover, they +also have a library, that to them also it may be possible to say that +wheels should be kept afar off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a +porter: they will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which act I blame +in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done with +the greatest legality. + +IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley himself, I say, +should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is not necessary that I +should remind you with what ancient severity he would inveigh against +this new power, against the Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the +Curators themselves: for you can calculate (it) in (your) minds. He +would say to them, “Did I give you authority over books, that you should +use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a most +convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? did I endow you +with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, that you should +therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion over the common utility, +and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of the poorer citizens?” To which +interrogation and most stern reproach I do not think they, although they +are of a remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there +(anything) that can be replied. + +V. Although I wish to say more things, I am deterred by the will of the +editor of that most known Magazine (than which paper I do not think that +anything is more conjoined with the safety of the republic): nor am I not +also prevented by tears and weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there +is anything in you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of +humanity (which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common +citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the intolerable +influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that the seat of the +Muses, the School of Divinity, the most delightful meeting-places of +Boards of Faculties, should be stained by royal power and polluted by +cruelty. Which that it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by +your votes, I most confidently predict and vaticinate. + + + + +THE EIGHTS IN FICTION + + +I. OLD STYLE + + +“There’s nothing that emphasizes the _amari aliquid_ of life like one’s +tobacconist,” mused Fane Trevyllyan as he flung a box of eighteenpenny +Emeticos into the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette. + +It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of 18--; and the stroke of +the Charsley Hall boat reclined wearily in his luxuriously furnished +apartments within that venerable College and watched the midday sun +gilding the pinnacles of the Martyr’s Memorial. It had been a fast and +furious night, and Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared to +remember: and now he was very weary of it all. Had it not been for one +thing, he would have thrown it all up—sent dons, deans, duns, and dice to +the devil, and gone down by the afternoon train: as it was, there was +nothing for it but to recline on his tiger-skins and smoke countless +cigars. He never would train. + +“Going to row to-day, Fane?” It was little Bagley Wood, the cox. +Trevyllyan sanctioned his presence as if he had been a cat or a lapdog: +to all others he was stern and unapproachable—a true representative of +his Order. + +“Don’t know, _caro mio_,” was the reply. “It’s such a bore, you know: +and then I half think I promised to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity +up the Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge.” + +“What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion has come down on purpose to +see us catch Christ Church! why, _sapristi_, where can your eyes be?” +The stroke hissed something between his clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood +found himself flying through an unopened window. + +“_Cherchez la femme_! it’s always the way with the Trevyllyans,” muttered +the lad, as he picked himself up from the grass plot in the quadrangle +and strolled off to quiet his nerves with a glass of _aguardiente_ at the +Mitre. + + * * * * * + +An August moon shone brightly on the last night of the great aquatic +contest: the starter had fired his pistol, and all the boats but one were +off. + +“Hadn’t you better think about starting, Trevyllyan?” asked the coach of +the Charsley Hall Eight, a trifle pale and anxious. “See, they are all +under way. Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church stroke, swears you +shan’t bump him as you did last week. He must be past the Soapworks by +this time.” + +“_Caramba_! then I suppose we ought to get in,” replied the other; and as +he spoke he divested himself of the academical garb that scarcely +concealed his sky-blue tights, and stood, a model of manly beauty, on the +banks of the rushing river. Then, throwing away a half-finished cigar, +Trevyllyan strode into the boat. _Per Bacco_! ’twas a magnificent sight. +As the crack Eight of the river sped swiftly after her rival, cheers +arose from the bank, and odds on both boats were freely taken and offered +by the _cognoscenti_. + +You and I, _amigo mio_! have seen many a race in our day. We have seen +the ’Varsity crews flash neck and neck past Lillie Bridge: we have held +our breath while Orme ran a dead heat with Eclipse for the Grand +National: we have read how the victor of the _pancratium_ panted to the +_meta_ amid the Io Triumphes of Attica’s vine-clad Acropolis. But we did +not see the great Christ Church and Charsley’s race—that great contest +which is still the talk of many a learned lecture-room. They say the +pace was tremendous. Four men fainted in the Christ Church boat, and +Trevyllyan’s crew repeatedly entreated him to stop. But he held on, +inexorable as the Erinnyes. + +Fair as Pallas Anadyomene—fair as the Venus whom Milo fashioned _pour se +désennuyer_ in his exile at Marseilles—the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion +sat throned on the University Barge, and watched the heroes as their bare +arms flashed in the moonlight. And now they were through the Gut, and +the nose of the Charsley’s boat pressed hard on its rival: yet Fane +Trevyllyan did not make his final effort. Would he spare Glanville +Ferrers? _Quien sabe_? They had been friends—once. But the die was +cast. As the boats sped past her the Lady Gwendolen stooped from her +pride of place and threw a rose—just one—into the painted poop of the +Christ Church wherry. That was all: but it was enough. Trevyllyan saw +the action where he sat: one final, magnificent, unswerving stroke—those +who saw it thought it would never end!—and with a muttered “Habet!” he +sent the brazen beak of his Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of +his helpless competitor. + +_Galeotto fu il libro_, _e chi lo scrisse_. + + + +II. NEW OR KODAK STYLE +(From the French) + + + If they are frivolous, these Universities! + At present great sensation in Oxford: this town, so gloomy, so sad + ordinarily, is to-day _en fête_. + Is it that one elects a new _Vice-Chancellor_? + No. + It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which goes to take place. + One discusses in the _salons_ the most _chic_ how many kilogrammes + they weigh, these heroes of the oar. + Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads of Colleges _en + matelot_. + What a spectacle! + . . . . . + On the barges. . . . + Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of ladies excite our + admiration by their beauty and our respect by their intelligence. + Whence do they come, these damsels, so young, so charming? + It is that they have arrived from the metropolis at the request of + their brothers, their cousins—what do I know of it? perhaps their + _prétendants_—of whom they wish to enhance with their applause the + athletic triumph. + . . . . . + After all, they are adorable, these English misses! + . . . . . + On the bank. . . . + One hears the portentous echo of the _Five-Minutes-Gun_. + Moment tremendous! + They have started: one sees already the _strokesman_ of the + _first-boat_. + One would say a whole University that runs on the _towing-path_, and + that utters loud cries. + Here and there _coachmen_ are seen carrying pistols and pronouncing + terrible execrations. + Why these pistols? . . . + A little brutal, these English: but of a force, a virility! + . . . . . + I myself who speak to you am infected by this enthusiasm. + I run: I utter cries: I _raffole_ of the _leading-boat_: I shout En + avant! Vive la Madeleine! Vive le Cercle Nautique! Hourra! . . . + But one does not do these things at forty years. + I am out of breath, what? I wish to stop. + Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous! + I appeal to you in the name of France, who respects you: do not + annihilate me, do not pulverize me. . . . . + Vain appeal! One would say the car of Juggernaut. + I am knocked down: I am _criblé_ with kicks: I am massacred. + . . . . . + Ah! . . . + + + + +THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA + + +Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic among the +Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to write as soon as it +broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering it to be the most +noticeable of all that had appeared previously. (For the place was not +liable to diseases at other times, but especially free from them, except +that which affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to +the metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to go +to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both for other +reasons and not least this.) As to the causes of it, then, let any one +speak who is aware of them: but I will show what things happened on +account of it, having both myself put on an æger and seen others +similarly afflicted, so that I can describe it with equal certainty more +than the narrative of another not having done so, but relying on the +incredibility of historians more than the sureness of experience. + +For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what Homer says +about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan business— + + First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but afterward, aiming + at the men his piercing dart, he smote, + +seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the College +Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of all the men +themselves. But most of all the scouts were affected, and this caused +the greatest calamity: so that a man must often wish that his scout might +recover, wishing indeed contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the +greatness of the surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse +things at the hands of a scout’s boy, or considering it terrible if he +shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not being brought to +him. And all laws concerning meals were brought into a state of +confusion, so that many anticipated taking the commons of another. And +they welcomed the hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their +hunger in the present as much more important than another man’s inability +to pay his debts in the future. + +But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed the disease was +the commencement of lawlessness to a greater extent for the city. For +cuttings of chapels and avoidings of lectures, which are an agony for the +present more than a possession for ever, and in short all such things as +the indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily dared +to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor has the +influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put on an æger before +being hauled he should pay the penalty. And though some, indeed, did +things exactly contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now went +in the morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being present the +paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the multitude of +those who were absent might gain them a prestige of virtue not real but +simulated—yet with most there was now neither fear of the Dean by land +nor by sea of their coaches: disobeying whom they ate and drank all kinds +of things contrary to law, no one being willing to exert himself for that +which seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the present +abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of being +bumped in the future about as much and not less than if he had smoked +three pipes and a cheroot. And not only was injustice prevalent among +those who were as yet in good health, but many of those in the ships, +being or seeming to themselves to be sick, had their places taken by +others accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly +inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice combined +with experience of the others, was in reality less powerful than the +language which those on the bank thought worthy to use concerning them. + +Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition against +Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, Nicolaidas being +commander second himself; and they advanced as far as Third Trinity, and +having ravaged part of the land and set up a trophy, they returned home. + + + + +HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK + + +At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was instituted a +contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed to celebrate every +spring. And this contest is of such a kind, not being well arranged +according at least to my opinion:—Having dug trenches and built other +ramparts parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of +the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them invoking +the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, when they have +placed men upon horses they cause them to cross these by leaping under +the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever anticipates the others arriving +at the goal, sitting at least on the same horse on which sitting he set +out, and not it running, having left him behind, nor he himself on foot, +he is considered to have conquered. The reason why I said that this +contest is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being +possible to contend in a level place without danger or difficulty, the +Oxonii nevertheless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent the horses +from (not) arriving at the end of the course, neither being compelled nor +there being any necessity (οὐδεμίης ἀναγκαίης ἐούσης). Then, however, +they did these things, and also, as they are accustomed to do on such +occasions, they sent messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of +the Delphic oracle who should be the conqueror. The Pythian priestess, +being mindful how she had formerly made a good shot in respect of the +Median business, replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of +victory lay around a wooden wall. Now having this as a proof I will +neither refuse to believe in oracles myself nor allow others to +disbelieve them. For when the race had begun and the horses had been +sent away by the sound of a trumpet, other men were taking part in the +contest, and also Pheron the son of Trapezites a Corinthian: this is not +the Pheron who, his father having founded a city, was himself expelled +from it by the few, who were called Hetairi, because he had allied +himself with the democracy forsooth (δηθεν). And there are other things +written about this Pheron in the history composed by Proctor, who was +tyrant of Oxonia second himself for one year, and in fact caused Pheron +to fall out by reason of sedition. What I have said just now is a +digression and refers to other matters, and I will now come back to my +former story. So then the men, having in the first part of the contest +done things worthy of themselves, and having for the most part, although +not all, yet the majority, avoided the (not) falling into ditches and the +like incurably at least, came presently to the wooden fence, which I +conjecture to be the wall meant by the Delphic oracle. It being then +necessary either remaining on the hither side to be driven away from all +hope of the prize or leaping to run risks concerning their lives, and the +rest having leapt in such a way that they crossed the fence sitting +rather upon the ground than upon their horses, and some neither with them +nor upon them, as the Lacedæmonians say about their shields: this Pheron, +of whom I have before made mention, showed himself to be prudent in other +things and also in this. He, having a horse much the most active of all +the rest, was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly +until he had arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the race being +easy for him, he came to the goal very much the first, having +anticipated. In this way he obtained the prize. I have learnt the names +of all the other competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate +them, not now at least. + +When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also a contest +for the natives of the country, in which not a few were roughly handled) +they returned in chariots to the city, driving not straight like the +Greeks, but obliquely, as is customary. This story some relate, relating +things credible to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot, +and no one else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some +way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the reins of +the horses: to whom the other replied “But—for do you not already hold +them?” These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did +nevertheless arrive safely at the city. + + + + +TAC. HIST., BK. VI. +DE AVLA S. EDMVNDI. + + +1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici expediam. Mauretaniam post +decessum Tedimurii cuicumque servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine +fines augendi contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara +gens. mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum instituta +professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam sapientiam. namque ut +divitias ita librorum scientiam contemptui habent: et est plerisque +indocta canities. + +2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa scholarum patientia. +is collectis in aulam Edmundi popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum +locutus fertur: “si apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura +cohortandi causa dicenda erant. nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios +iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos Stubbinsiorum +dominatu potitos? quid Tabernarios Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab +iisdem suum lucrum ex aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos +atque mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos habent, +puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen expostulantes. +quanta profanarum litterarum scientia pacatissima loca polluerint, non +est opus dictu apud gnaros. quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam +nuper [praemii nomen] occupaverunt? eandem nobis Brigantes necessitatem +imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos videbimus.” tum ad iuvenes +conversus “eone ventum esset” interrogat “ut antiquissima aulae iura +corrumpi sinerent? Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos pessimam +servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa prope noctu insolitis +adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium arcana. mox et specimen +partium Magrathium remigare coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset. +num et sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter +quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore ostentui? proinde +simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus populus priscam et traditam a +patribus tranquillitatem coleret et tueretur.” + +3. His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium fines et principes +ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni liberentur. egressis +claudit portas Reginensis sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non +Brigantes quamquam civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam +hostem arcendi. igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri: +procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per ludibrium +percunctantibus. mox ab Omnianimensibus propter mediocritatem doctrinae +consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et inter socios conscribi concessum. +ibi per speciem cruditatis interfecti. aula in formam provinciae +redacta. nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum est, non esse +curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse exstinctionem. + + + + +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH {24} +(I.) THE TRUE TALE OF TROY + + +(It is perhaps not generally known that the _Daily Hieroglyphic_, one of +the leading morning papyri of Egypt under the --th Dynasty, despatched a +special correspondent to Greece at the time of the Trojan War. Some +fragments of his communications have been discovered by the energy of +modern tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled +us to publish these _disjecta membra_, which may perhaps be of interest +to the public at the present juncture.) + +The only social _événement_ (writes the correspondent under date Jan. 10, +1100 B.C., or thereabouts) which I have to chronicle is a reported +domestic _esclandre_ in the family of Menelaus, the genial and popular +Prince of Sparta. In consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is +alleged, has gone to Paris. + + Mycenae, January 12. + +It appears from the _Court Circular_ that Her Royal Highness has been +advised by her physicians to reside for some time in Asia Minor. At the +same time I cannot conceal the fact that the Corinthian society paper, +_Alethea_, mentions the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this +story. I am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of +scandal. + + February 1. + +The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international +complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. It is stated +on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador has been recalled +from the former capital, the alleged reason being promotion to a still +higher diplomatic post: there seems, however, to be no reasonable doubt +that the practical rupture of relations between the Empires of the West +and East is not remotely connected with the eternal maxim, “Cherchez la +femme.” Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince Menelaus. + + February 20. + +Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial increase of the Navy +have been placed in the hands of Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated +firm of shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for. + +The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an animated debate. +M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote which would enable him to +enrol three more phalanxes. He was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, +Leader of the Extreme Left, who demanded to know why the Achaean nation +was to be plunged recklessly into war for the settlement of matters +properly pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately for +the success of M. Diomedes’ proposal, the closure was put in operation. + + Later. + +M. Thersites’ funeral is announced for to-morrow (about the time of +loosing oxen). + + February 25. + +I cannot better describe the existing political situation than by quoting +the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and elsewhere. + +All the official journals are consistently warlike in tone. They declare +that nothing will satisfy Achaean aspirations but the annexation of +Helen. The Athenian _Asty_ declares that should King Agamemnon employ +the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a stepping-stone to lop +off another limb from the decaying trunk of the (so-called) Trojan +Empire, he will have achieved a permanent blessing to civilization. + +On the other hand, the _Olympian Times_ comments severely on the +precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the rash proceedings +which have led to a rupture that might have been averted by diplomacy. +As the _Times_ is understood to be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an +utterance may well give rise to the gravest apprehensions. + +The _Oracle_—a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical tendencies—preserves +an ambiguous tone. + +Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the _entourage_ of +King Priam. Hector Pasha has been appointed War Minister. The +_Prehistoric Post_ speaks of the enlistment of two new regiments of +Hittite Bashi-Bazouks in the interior of Asia Minor. The _Cassandra_, +however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be inspired, +has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, and confidently +predicts the destruction of Troy. + +The _Ephemerios Chronographos_ has received the following telegram from +the veteran statesman Nestor: “Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. +Bag and baggage only possible policy. Postcard follows.—Nestor, +Hawarden, Pylos.” + + March 1. + +His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, amid scenes +of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and His Excellency Count +Aegisthus were both visibly affected. Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds +shouting, “To Ilion!” + + March 8. + +The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising the wind +shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services of the notorious +Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This popular enlistment creates great +enthusiasm. + +The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is contradicted this +morning by an official _démenti_. + +H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious house. + +Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2). + + Later. + +The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable anxiety. + + Tenedos, March 15. + +Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers have issued a +Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, forbidding the landing +of heroes and others. Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt +that several demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring +to effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all shades +condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to raise a storm. +Hector Pasha is committing atrocities. + + March 17. + +In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the Powers, they +have issued a Collective Note urging upon His Majesty King Agamemnon the +necessity of prompt withdrawal. In view of his possible refusal, it is +understood that thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been +mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the Achaean Press +in general. The _Phaeacian Daily Chronicle_ goes so far as to threaten a +mass meeting in Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing +atrocities. + + March 18. + +The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the contending parties. It is +understood that nothing short of a _Deus ex machina_ can avert a formal +rupture of relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts +which are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily +committed. + +The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the situation. His +Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit by a thunderbolt this morning. + + March 20. + +I am authorized to state that the intervention of a _Deus ex machina_ has +brought about the arrangement of a _modus vivendi_. The Achaean +expeditionary force is to withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous. +Menelaus, however, is to be free to enforce administrative reforms. + + March 21. + +Peace with Honour has been proclaimed. It is possible, however, that +some embarrassment may still arise from the action of King Priam in +assessing the material, moral, and intellectual damage inflicted on +himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 women, and an ox. This sum +will certainly be disputed. + +It is asserted as probable that the Poet Laureate,—Homer, will be invited +to compose an epic poem commemorating the events of the raid. An edition +of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper, with +corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars. + + + + +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH +(II.) FORGOTTEN HISTORY + + +The Roman correspondent of the _Stella Lugdunensis_ writes to his paper +under date A.V.C. 817:— + +All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the Senate on the +alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our Imperial Master. (H.I.M., +I should add, is at present on a lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus; +statements in the _Custos Burdigalensis_ to the effect that He is giving +a series of violin recitals are wholly without foundation.) The +impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation of His +Majesty’s recent action. How—it is argued even by the Right—can it tend +to the stability of Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable military +operations between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should have +directed General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of campaign +for each of the belligerents? The Extreme Left, as represented by +Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes much farther, and does not +hesitate to criticize the autocratic dilettantism which professes to lay +down the law on artistic matters which it does not in the least +understand. It is time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor +should cease to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile +entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius. Absolutism is +generally condemned. + +Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists have, of +course, defended their master; but their apologies, it is felt, were +somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted. In allusion to the lamented +demise of the Dowager Empress, it was pointed out that pity and loyalty +alike should forbid trampling on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic +bereavements; and attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial +Orphan. These, however, have not been uniformly crowned with success. + +Tension undoubtedly exists. I cannot (to speak plainly) conceal from +myself the fact that in a given contingency, the nature of which it is +unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to specify further, circumstances +at present unforeseen might conceivably pave the way for developments of +which it might be impossible to predict the eventual termination. + + * * * * * + +“Ought Nero to Abdicate?” is the subject of a “symposium” in the current +_Primum Saeculum et Post_. The signatures L and S are commonly +associated with the talented author whose _Pharsalia_ has long been +recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and the Rev. +L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His Majesty’s household. Should +H.I.M. decide to abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our +Boeotian contemporary the _Oracle_, which is sadly in need of new blood. +Nero will give it that. The meetings held at the Palazzo Pisone were +strictly private. + + * * * * * + +The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh indiscretions. There is no +doubt that a state of tension exists, which can only be alleviated by the +restoration of reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people. +The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and Prince +Tigellinus is eagerly discussed. + + Later. + +H.M.’s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is stated to have been +productive of entirely satisfactory results. It is said that Nero now +thoroughly understands the situation, and is resolved to remodel His +conduct accordingly. Tension is greatly alleviated. + + * * * * * + +I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved situation than +by quoting the headlines in the _Acta Diurna_. + + GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANS + OUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSE. + RESTORED RELATIONS BETWEEN + CONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPEROR. + HIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATE. + AVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIME. + GREAT ENTHUSIASM. + DIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAIN. + IMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITION. + NEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED. + +All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion and +distrust is practically at an end. Nothing shows it more clearly than +the happy renewal of social relations between the Emperor and the leading +members of the Senate. As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our +legislators have consented, at His Majesty’s earnest request, to assist +Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be held in the Circus +Maximus. Their collaboration is indeed indispensable, large consignments +of empty lions being reported to have arrived at Ostia. The hearty +sympathy between our Ruler and His people is still further attested by +the fact that several Senators who were but lately among the foremost +critics of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in +the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the Emperor by +His Chancellor. Members of the Stoic Democratic Federation have been +invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the Café Locusta. + + * * * * * + +The Café Locusta dinner has been a great success. It is not expected +that the Stoic Democratic Federation will express any further opinion +hostile to the Imperial policy. + +M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry. + +Not the least noteworthy among social _événements_ is the departure of +Piso (whose tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject +in Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, N.B. He has left, +according to one account, by the Hook (_unco_). + + * * * * * + +I quote from the Court Journal:— + + “The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of His People. Persons + asserting the contrary will be decapitated.” + + + + +PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY + + +Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend Philogeorgos, +who is at present one of those who desire to hold office in the city. +And I said to him— + +“Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest you should not +be elected Archon?” + +“No, Socrates,” he replied. “It is not that which saddens me; it is the +baseness of those who try to prevent the people from choosing me.” + +“In what way do they act basely?” I asked. + +“There is a certain wine-seller,” he said, “who is offering what the +Hyperboreans call Free Drinks (that is, you know, draughts of wine +without payment) to all those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for +me.” + +“That is very unkind of the wine-seller. But why do you say that the +transaction is base?” + +“Why, of course it is base. How can it be anything else?” + +“When we predicate baseness of a transaction,” I said, “we must also +predicate baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one +of them. Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you are +accustomed by this time to answer questions. When you wish for a pair of +shoes or a flute, how do you obtain one?” + +“How else,” he said, “except by buying it from a shoemaker or a maker of +flutes?” + +“How else, indeed?” I replied. “So, then, the tradesman gives you +something which he possesses; and you give the tradesman in return +something which you possess. And this exchange is advantageous to both +of you, and honourable; is it not?” + +“I suppose so.” + +“And neither of you becomes base?” + +“Neither.” + +“Then it is not a base transaction?” + +“No.” + +“Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man who possesses a +vote?” + +“Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to quibble, as usual.” + +“It is only by dialectic,” I replied, “that we can arrive at the truth. +And the wine belongs, I suppose, to the wine-seller?” + +“It would seem so, at least.” + +“Then when the wine-seller gets the voter’s vote in exchange for his own +wine, they simply give each other what each possesses; and such a +transaction, as you have said, is advantageous to both parties, and +honourable, and not base at all.” + +“I said,” he replied, rather angrily, “that you were going to quibble. +Of course, the case is quite different. A vote is a sacred thing; and it +ought not to be exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires, +such as the desire for drink.” + +“Nor for any other material comfort?” I asked. + +“Certainly not,” he replied. + +“Nobly spoken, indeed!” I said. “But I confess, all the same, that you +rather surprise me; for only this morning I heard the herald proclaiming +in your name that all the citizens would have Free Food if they voted for +Philogeorgos. And I remember how some years ago either Phaidrolithos or +one of those around him used to promise at elections that everyone should +have three acres of land and a cow, on condition that the city kept him +and his party in power. You do not mean to tell me that what +Phaidrolithos or his friends did was base?” + +“No, indeed,” he replied. “But surely, Socrates, even you must see that +this is a different matter altogether.” + +“How different? You say that votes must not be exchanged for material +comforts; yet Free Food is a material comfort; and so are three acres, +because they produce food; and so, I presume, is a cow. And these things +were offered to the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the +wine-seller now is offering draughts of wine.” + +“No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all. When I talk of Free +Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of land and cows, we do not +give these things immediately in exchange for votes. We could not; they +are not ours to give; we have not got them.” + +“That is very true,” I said. “For I remember when Phaidrolithos and his +party were put in power many people used to come to those in authority +and demand that they should now receive three acres of land each and a +cow; and when they did not receive these things they were indignant, as +having been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men will +come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get it. But, as far as +I can understand your argument, it is honourable to promise in return for +a vote that which you cannot give; but when one promises that which he +_can_ give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you +sad. Is it not so? And the reason seems to be that when the wine-seller +offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote is sold; but when you offer +Free Food for a vote, then it is not the vote which is sold, but only the +voter.” + +“Socrates,” said Philogeorgos, “you are a philosopher; and no philosopher +ever understood politics. But I am busy, and have really no more time to +waste upon you and your dialectics.” + +“Farewell, then, Philogeorgos,” I said; “but please do not be angry with +me for being so stupid. And if I were you,” I continued, “I do not think +I would be angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of +wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not be paid +for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of voting for you +rather than for Misogeorgos. Do you not think so?” + +But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing. + + + + +PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE’S WILL + + +“Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios has been lately +doing about what he calls a Referendum?” + +“What thing?” I said. “I have heard indeed lately that he has said +this—that if he and his friends should be elected to sit in the Ecclesia, +he will not propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first +consulting the citizens; and he has invited Askoïthios to do the same +thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first consulting +the citizens. Is that the dreadful thing?” + +“So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely believe it: for it +aims at the destruction of the democracy. But I can tell him that +Askoïthios will certainly not do what he is invited to do.” + +“Why will he not do it?” I asked. + +“Because Askoïthios knows very well already that all the citizens are in +favour of giving autonomy to the Samians.” + +“Well, Phileleutheros,” I said, “in that case he will do no harm by +having consulted them. And does Balphurios also know what the citizens +think about taxing Megarian imports?” + +“Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and his friends) abhor +such a plan.” + +“Then,” I said, “no harm will be done there either; for the citizens, +being consulted, will say what they wish.” + +“But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens should be +consulted. And that is why Askoïthios will not consult them.” + +“Why, Phileleutheros,” I said, “are you not a democrat?” + +“Of course I am.” + +“And in a democracy do not the people rule?” + +“I suppose so.” + +“By saying what they wish to have done, or otherwise?” + +“By saying so, I suppose.” + +“And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they are not ruling, +and it is not a democracy?” + +“Perhaps.” + +“Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is a democratic +man; and Askoïthios, who does not ask them, is not a democratic man; nor +are you one, apparently, O Phileleutheros.” + +“This is all nonsense, Socrates,” he said. “Balphurios cannot be a +democrat: for I am a democrat, and I do not agree with Balphurios. And +you have not the least conception of what is meant by democracy: which +is, that certain persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that +they may sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the people.” + +“But for what reasons do you choose such persons?” I asked. + +“They ought to be chosen, Socrates,” he replied, “because they possess +the qualities proper to democratic men.” + +“You mean,” I said, “that they must hate and speak evil of the rich; and +that they must wish to diminish the number of our triremes; and that they +must refuse to tax Megarian imports; and that they must be conscious of +their own virtues and the vices of others.” + +“I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will do.” + +“But with all these qualities,” I said, “will your ecclesiasts always +know what you wish when something unexpected happens about which it is +necessary to decide? For instance, if one of the chief speakers proposes +a law that all burglars should be honoured by dinners in the Prytaneum, +will not your ecclesiasts come to us and say, ‘O Socrates and +Phileleutheros, we possess all the qualities proper to democratic men: we +are conscious of our own virtues, and we should like to diminish the +number of your triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected; +but as to this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about +this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be informed by +you?’” + +“If they do not know our wishes of themselves,” said Phileleutheros, +“they will suffer for it at the next election.” + +“That is very unpleasant for them,” I replied. “Suppose now that you +hired an architect to build you a house, and that while he was building +it he needed your advice, and came and said to you, ‘O Phileleutheros, I +have given your house four walls and a roof according to your wishes; but +you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall ought to have three +windows or six. About this I do not yet know your wishes, and I would +gladly be informed by you.’ Will you then say to him that you have no +authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he happens to +decide contrary to your will you will not employ him again? Similarly, +it seems to me, you are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the +agent of your wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then +tyrants and not your servants—if to make laws not according to the will +of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the ecclesiasts by +dismissing them after a time, of course; but you will only elect others +who will be tyrants again in the same way as their predecessors.” + +“But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent them.” + +“Hardly,” I replied. “For your leaders of the Ecclesia, who are +democrats and will not consult the people, and whom you praise, will ask +the Nomothetae for their opinion three times; and when thereby they are +quite satisfied that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it +will forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that the +leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to do what they +like without consulting anybody. And these leaders, Askoïthios and his +friends, are few in relation to the mass of the citizens, are they not?” + +“They are not many, certainly.” + +“That is something to be thankful for,” I said. “They then, being few, +will rule for the time; and when the few rule, that is oligarchy. Is it +not? Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies are in power in +the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends are in power, then +it is democracy?” + +“Socrates, you are right, for once. That is precisely what I do say.” + + + + +THE TUTOR’S EXPEDIENT + + +“Come in” said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: and two scholars came +in. (He knew they were scholars, because this was his hour for seeing +scholars.) One was a heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall +hat. The other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended +him for an attorney’s clerk; as, indeed, nature had. + +“Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?” inquired the Tutor. The young men +bowed. “In what subjects, may I ask? You, sir” (turning to the spruce +youth) “Mr.—I forget your name—eh? Oh, thanks—is it Classics? History? +Natural Science, perhaps?” + +“Oh no, sir; I hold a ‘Daily Thunderer’ Scholarship.” + +“Exactly: I remember now. You read all through _Tit-Bits_ for a whole +year, and the ‘D. T.’ pays you—£l,200, isn’t it? The task is a little +dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still, _Tit-Bits_—” + +“It isn’t quite that, sir,” put in the youth; “it was for the +‘Encyclop—’” + +(“I _knew_ it was dear at the price,” the Tutor murmured.) + +‘“—ædia Pananglica,’” continued the scholar. “My Scholarship is for +reading that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases.” + +“The Scholarship?” asked the Tutor, weakly. + +“No,” said the scholar; “the ‘Encyclopædia Pananglica.’” + +“Well,” the academic dignitary resumed, “and what have you read? To +prepare yourself for a university career, I mean.” + +“The ‘Encyc—’” + +“Of course, of course; but anything else? I wish to know so as to advise +you with respect to the direction of your studies. Have you, for +instance, read any Homer?” + +“Homer!” the youth replied—“Oh, yes, I know about Homer. There is a +picture of Homer, drawn from life, and very well reproduced, among the +illustrations of the article ‘Education.’ There is one there of +Comenius, too. Homer and Comenius—” + +“Were both educationists, I know,” said the Tutor: “but not, properly +speaking, in the same way. However—you have not studied the father of +poetry in the original, it would appear. Any Xenophon, perhaps? or +Cæsar?” + +“I don’t think I know much about Xenophon,” replied the young man, “but I +have a friend who failed in Cæsar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said +it was pretty easy.” + +“Do you know _any_ Greek or Latin at all?” + +“Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told it might be +helpful for attaining the highest honours.” + +“Exactly. You thought it might be helpful—of course, of course. You +were quite right—perfectly, perfectly correct,” the Tutor murmured, with +a faraway look in his eyes. Then he collected himself, and turned to the +other aspirant. “And you, sir—pardon me, I didn’t quite catch—eh? Oh, +thanks!—what, may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold _your_ +Scholarship?” + +“My education,” replied the heavy young man, “was completed at the Jabez +H. Brown University of Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A. I am a recipient of a +Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right Honourable +Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist. No doubt, Professor, you +will have heard of him.” + +“Ah! a Rhodes Scholar,” said the Tutor. “That is better—much better. +You will, no doubt, study the Classics. There are those (I am well +aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship as an +excessive attention to minutiæ: but personally, I confess, I am no enemy +even to a meticulous exactness, which alone can save us from an incurious +and slipshod rhetoric! . . . And what, then, are the points of +scholarship which it has been your endeavour to elucidate? Have you +followed in the steps of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who +died before he could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the +instances in Greek literature, that γάρ is never the first word of a +sentence? Have you—” + +“Pardon me, Professor,” put in the Rhodes Scholar. “That ain’t my +platform at all. I may say, I don’t take any stock in literatoor.” + +“Am I then to understand,” the Tutor asked, “that you are _not_ +acquainted with the Greek and Latin Classics?” + +“Not considerable,” replied the American. “In fact, not any.” + +“And to what, then, have your studies been directed?” + +“Not to books, Professor. No, nor yet laboratories and such. I was +elected Scholar by the unanimous suffrage of my class in Thessalonica, +Maine, for Moral Character. When it comes to Moral Character, you look +at me. That is just where I am on top every time.” + +“Moral Character!” exclaimed the Tutor, aghast. “Oh, dear me! I am +afraid that won’t do at all—here. Moral Character—well, I hardly know +how to put it—but the fact is that if _that_ is all that you have to rely +upon, you would be sent down within a year infallibly—Oh, infallibly, I +assure you! . . . But,” he continued, “we must try to think of something +for both of you gentlemen. Could I not give you both a letter of +recommendation to my friend the Master of St. Cuthbert’s? _There_, I +know, they value very highly both morality and the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ I am sure it would be just the place for you both. Do let +me write!” + +“As the Master of Alfred’s sent Cecil Rhodes on to Auriol?” suggested the +spruce young man, innocently. + +“As the Master of—why, no,” said the Tutor, “I think that won’t do, after +all. Really, I believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface.” Boniface +had suffered severely from agricultural depression. “Well, +gentlemen—come to me again two hours hence, and we will try to think of +something for you. Good morning!” + + * * * * * + +The Tutor was in a sad quandary. Paid as he was by results fees, he +could not afford to receive pupils who would disgrace him in the Schools. +Yet it had always been his creed that a College must adapt itself to +existing circumstances, and be instinct with the Zeit Geist. + +For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation. + + * * * * * + +Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the twin +aspirants to academic honours. He regarded them with the mien of one +visibly relieved from a load of care. “These papers, gentlemen,” he +said, pointing to certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table, +“relate to a project of which you have doubtless heard—I refer to the +extension of our Public Schools into the remoter regions of the British +Empire. They are reprinted from Mr. Sargant’s admirable letter to the +_Times_, and the leading article on the subject. You are acquainted with +them—No? Then pray take the papers: you will find them most instructive +and agreeable reading during the voyage.” + +“The—the voyage?” exclaimed the Rhodes Scholar. + +“Certainly,” said the Tutor, “during the voyage. During the long +afternoons when you are steaming over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay, +or being propelled (by friendly natives) down the rushing waters of +the—ah—Congo. What I am proposing is that you two gentlemen should +become members of our Branch Establishment in Timbuctoo. You _must_ have +heard of it! When schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it +likely that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not +take the lead in the van of progress? And when Eton, Harrow, and +Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to themselves in every +respect except that of mere locality, in Asia, Africa, and Australasia, +was the College of St. Boniface to be a laggard? Assuredly not. +Gentlemen, I commend you to our Alma Mater beyond the seas.” + +“But, Professor,” the Rhodes Scholar objected, “I was sent here across +the salt water dish to join the College of St. Boniface. They were kind +of sot upon that in Thessalonica. I guess they will be disappointed, +some, if I ain’t made a professing member of St. Boniface.” + +“But you will be, my dear sir—you will be!” cried the Tutor, with +vehemence, “a member of St. Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii +Collegii apud Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing. +You have doubtless read, in the course of your historical investigations, +how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is Eton not a public +school? Of course it is. Similarly, in the Middle Ages a portion of the +University broke off and migrated to Stamford. Was it Oxford any the +less because it happened to be at Stamford? Not the least. The two +institutions—St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in Timbuctoo—are +precisely identical. When you gentlemen in future years are competing +for—and I trust, I am sure, obtaining—positions of distinction and +emolument in the great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves +as Boniface Men. You can drop the ‘Apud Timbuctooenses’ if you like: the +omission will not be considered fraudulent. But I see no reason why you +_should_ drop it. Personally, I should glory in it. Had I won a +scholarship for Moral Character, I would go to Timbuctoo to-morrow! +There, it seems to me, is your special sphere. In Oxford, Moral +Character is so frequent as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in +Timbuctoo the possession is precious in proportion to its rarity.” + +“But have they got the Tone and the Tradition there, sir?” asked the +holder of a ‘Daily Thunderer’ Scholarship. “That would be, for me, very +important. My family were especially anxious—” + +“Assuredly they have got the Tone and the Tradition. _Coelum non animum +mutant_—you have met with that, probably, in the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ Absolutely unimpaired, I assure you. We take great pains +about that. Just an instance—the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester, +just as here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course +we couldn’t allow that. Imagine—a Visitor with fifty-three wives, not to +mention! It wouldn’t have done at all: the Tone _must_ have suffered. +We are in constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo +Branch: we are always being consulted. Only this morning we had to deal +rather severely with an undergraduate member of the College—aboriginal, +as many of them are—who insisted on playing the tom-tom in prohibited +hours. Of course, we must back up the Dean, and in case of—emergency, we +replace him and compensate his relations.” + +“You speak, sir,” said the student of the Encyclopædia, “of a local King. +I understood that the College was on British territory.” + +“The British Empire,” replied the Tutor, “includes Hinterlands. This is +a Hinterland. It is consequently from time to time the duty of the local +college authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of +Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, and +Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally erected. But the +country is practically annexed. We are—ah—suzerains.” + +“I understand, Professor, from your observation relative to the tom-tom,” +put the American scholar, “that the students of your College are +subjected to the regular British discipline? That would be kind of +essential for me. Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was +particularly anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine +old high-toned mediæval College rules. You have regulations, I presume?” + +“The regulations,” replied the Don, “are framed (as exactly as possible +in the circumstances) on the lines with which we are familiar in Oxford. +It has not been advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in +its entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the walls of +St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say within the Zariba) +the strictest discipline prevails. Clothing is essential—if not worn, at +least carried in the hand—for attendance in Hall and at lectures. +Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious objectors, if aborigines, may +keep a private fetish in their rooms. Cannibalism is only permitted if +directly authorized by the Dean, after a personal interview.” + +This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion wished further +to know whether residence in a Colonial College could be regarded as a +step on the Educational Ladder. His friends, he said, had impressed upon +him that his function in life was to climb the Educational Ladder. + +“The ladder to which you refer,” explained the Tutor, “can be scaled as +well in Africa as in England. In fact, better; there are distinctly +greater facilities. In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at present) +of any organized system of primary education in Timbuctoo, secondary +education has been obliged to modify some of its standards. The +University of Oxford, never backward in the march of progress, is +prepared to make the requisite concessions; and, as a result, you will +find that the highest honours are attainable without any acquaintance +with the ordinary subjects of our curriculum. It is, I should say, the +very place for you. Remember, too, that the very largest latitude is +allowed—nay, encouraged—in the choice of special subjects qualifying for +the M.A. degree; and what a field you will find! The habits of +residents—indeed, of some among your own fellow students—are most +interesting to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among +the flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most +delightful potentialities. I confess, I envy you. I do not think I am +saying too much if I assure you that this University will be ready and +willing to confer upon you, not only the ordinary M.A. degree, but a +Doctorate of Science or Letters! + +“Then,” continued the Tutor, “as to recreations; _neque semper arcum +tendit Apollo_—I beg your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always be +studying the domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope. +Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting. There is +head-hunting, for instance—” + +“Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, Professor?” asked the +American. + +“Certainly not,” replied the Don, with dignity. “That would not, under +any circumstances, be permitted. If it were the Dean, now—but, oh no, +certainly not the Head. What I refer to is the pursuit and collection of +decapitated human heads, belonging generally to personal enemies of the +collector; it is a sport common in Borneo, and among other interesting, +if primitive, nationalities. This pastime is, I understand, a favourite +one with some students of the college. It is practised, I need hardly +say, under the very strictest supervision; there must be a certificate +signed by the British Resident, and a special written recommendation from +the Director of the Craniological Department of the Museum. Under such +restriction abuse is, of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf; +and it is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides perhaps +the finest natural golf links in the world.” + +“Well, Professor,” said the American, “I guess I will start. But how are +we going to get right there, now? On the cars?” + +“By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open,” the Tutor answered. +“There will be a branch line. At present, the main line is, as you are +aware, incomplete, and the branch is—well, in course of construction. +Passengers are conveyed by motor. Or, if not by motor, by ox-waggon; +trekking by the latter method is, I believe, the safer way; both, +however, are, I understand, most commodious. I may explain to you that +the present is a particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you +will travel in the company of the new Junior Dean, whose society, I am +sure, you will find delightful. His predecessor, a personal friend of my +own, succumbed, I grieve to say, a few months ago—owing to the alleged +inadequate supply of beef-steaks at a ‘Torpid’ breakfast. . . . Painful, +but apparently inevitable. I need hardly say, the perpetrators of this +insult have been rusticated for a whole term.” + +“Is the Junior Dean a coloured person—a nigger?” asked the Rhodes +Scholar. + +“_All_ the College officials,” explained the Don, “are, in the highest +and best sense of the word, white men. Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it +is true—Mr. Sargant’s scheme contemplated, you see, the election to +fellowships of persons of local distinction. But our officials are, +without exception, Oxford men. It would be impossible, otherwise, to +preserve the Tone and the Tradition.” + +“And now, gentlemen,” he continued, “I must not keep you too long. +Procrastination is the thief of time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves +Southampton to-morrow. All expenses on the journey refunded by the +Timbuctoo Bursar, on application. Are your boxes unpacked? No? Then +all you have to do is to alter the labels.” + +“About the ‘Encyclopædia,’” said the spruce youth. “It is in three +packing cases—a bit ’eavy. Will carriage be paid?” + +“Oh certainly, certainly,” replied the Tutor. “Of course, I _might_ +relax our regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle—but no, no, I am +sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date—in Timbuctoo. _Good_ +morning!” + + * * * * * + +The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the +“Itinerarium” of Nemesianus. Nemesianus, honest man! did not know where +Timbuctoo was. Nor, for the matter of that, did the Tutor. + + + + +THE END AND OBJECT— + + +“It is always interesting,” said my friend, Feedingspoon, “to consider +the various stages of the process by which knowledge is disseminated. An +inscription (we will say) or an important textual variation is +discovered: it is then misinterpreted to fit a preconceived theory; then +it is introduced into a cheap German edition, for the School-Use +explained. Subsequently, an English school-book is copied from the +German: the English commentary is imparted (by me) to undergraduates, in +the form of lectures; and the undergraduates’ notes are presently +submitted to an examiner in the Schools, who marks them _a_—?, and says +they show evidence of some original research. By how many degrees, do +you suppose, is the examiner removed from the truth?” + +“It depends,” I said, “whether he be a D.D., an M.A., or a D.Litt. But I +do not understand the necessity of the lecturer. Cannot your +undergraduate read the English book for himself?” + +“No,” he replied, “he cannot. There are, of course, exceptional persons. +But the ordinary man’s mind is so constructed that he is incapable of +comprehending that which is seen by the eyes unless it be also heard by +the ears. Moreover, when he is not safely shut up in a lecture-room, he +is almost always compelled to be either eating, or playing football, or +meeting his maternal uncle at the station. Lastly, if the student could +read for himself, there would be no need of a lecturer: which is absurd. + +“Such being the admitted theory of education,” continued Feedingspoon, “I +feel that I am necessary to the machinery of the Universe. The position +which I occupy is at the same time one of some labour. This morning, for +instance, I rose late (having been occupied till past midnight in reading +to my pupils selections from the _Poetics_ of Aristotle, in order that +they might sleep soundly and wake refreshed): hence, I was unable to +follow my usual practice, which is, to call my alumni at 6.30, to +accompany them in a walk before breakfast, and map out the scheme of +reading which they are to follow until luncheon. I only trust that this +isolated omission of a plain duty may not wreck their futures! As a +result of my somnolence, I had but ten minutes in which to prepare two +lectures on subjects of which I had previously been ignorant; but, thanks +to Mr. Gow’s _Handbook to School Classics_—a work with which my pupils +are unfamiliar because I have not yet told them to read it—I succeeded in +displaying an erudition which, in the circumstances, was creditable. +Since the conclusion of my lectures, I have been employed in visiting the +candidates whom I am preparing for examination, and encouraging them to +continue their studies. Personal attention is indispensable to the true +educator. But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed and embarrassed +by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a scholar of this College, that +I should discontinue my daily inspection of his reading, as he wishes to +have time to do some work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor, +who wishes to know if I do not think that a little more individual +attention is advisable in the case of Tomkins. . . . + +“I must now,” he said, “ask you to excuse me. The representatives of my +College are about to play a football match in the Parks: and although the +game is one with the rules of which I have never been able to familiarize +myself, and in which, between ourselves, I take no interest whatever, I +conceive that my absence from the crowd of spectators might well loosen +that sympathy between myself and the junior members of the College, +without which they must infallibly meet the fate of the man who reads his +books for himself and neglects the dictation of his Tutor. Moreover, I +have to spend the later part of the afternoon in reading the Cr--, I +should say, the admirable and scholarly version of Professor Jebb—to +three Commoners who are taking up Sophocles for Honour Moderations.” + +“Your day,” I said, “seems indeed to be somewhat occupied. Let me at +least hope that the work which you are doing will win you the applause of +the learned, and a place among the Educationists of the century.” + + * * * * * + +On leaving Feedingspoon, it happened that the first man whom I met was +Fadmonger, _the_ Fadmonger, the one with a Continental reputation. He +had been ordered to play golf in the morning, and was returning from the +links. As we walked together towards the North of Oxford, I was about to +repeat to him the substance of my conversation with Feedingspoon. But on +my mentioning the latter’s name, Fadmonger interposed, and said that he +really could not trust himself to speak on that subject. He then +discoursed upon it at great length, using the most violent language about +Obscurantism, Packed Boards, the Tutorial Profession, Sacrifice of +Research to Examination, Frivolous Aims and Obsolete Methods, and the +like. + +“What,” he cried indignantly, “are we to think of a curriculum—so +called—which includes the _Republic_ of Plato and excludes the +_Onomasticon_ of Julius Pollux?” + +“Assuredly,” I replied, “there can be only one opinion about it.” + +“Exactly,” he said; “you are one of the few sensible men I know. Our +methods, I can tell you, are getting us into serious discredit abroad. I +should just like you to hear the things which are said about Literæ +Humaniores by Professor Jahaleel Q. Potsherds of Johns Hopkins, and +Doctor Grabenrauber of Weissnichtwo. They think very little of this +University at Johns Hopkins.” + +“Indeed,” I said; “I am pained to hear it.” + +“Yes,” replied Fadmonger; “it worries me a good deal. I have almost +resolved to give up the rest of my lectures for the Term, and go to the +Riviera for a complete change. . . . + +“No,” he continued, after a pause, “there is nothing to be hoped from the +College Tutor. Obscurantist he is, and obscurantist he will remain: he +is our great impediment to serious study—study, that is, of anything +except so-called classical texts. It is to the young student that we +must look for salvation. Do you know young Frawde of my College? I have +had most interesting talks with him—a really able man, but of course +quite misunderstood by his tutors: able men always are.” + +“He is, I suppose,” said I, “reading for a Final Honour School.” + +“Of course he is doing nothing of the kind,” Fadmonger replied with some +warmth. “In the present degraded condition of Honour Greats it is quite +unworthy of a serious student. He is at present preparing to take a pass +degree: and after that he thinks of going abroad to devote himself +seriously to a course of Tymborychology. A most interesting young man, +with admirably sound ideas on the present state of the Schools. . . .” + + * * * * * + +It happens that I know Frawde: and when I next met him I commented with +some surprise on his new departure. Frawde was quite candid, and said it +had been necessary to do something in order to patch up his much-ploughed +character before Collections. He had been plausible, and Fadmonger +credulous. + +“And really, you know, the Fadder wasn’t half a bad chap”—he had given +Frawde a recommendation to read in the Bodder—“and I am going there too,” +said the serious student, “as soon as I can find out where it is: but +nobody seems to know. After all, lots of chaps go abroad after their +degraggers: why shouldn’t I have a spade and dig in Egypt or Mesopotamia +or somewhere, same as anybody else? Eh?” + +And, upon my word, I really don’t see why he shouldn’t. + + + + +THE TORTURED TUTOR: +A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD + + +“The question is,” said Pluto to the deceased Tutor, “which of our +penalties we can assign to you. Something you must have, you know: it’s +the rule of the place.” + +“Sorry to hear you say so,” replied the Tutor. “I _had_ hoped that +perhaps I might be allowed a little quiet to enjoy the pleasant warmth—my +doctor really sent me here as an alternative to Algiers—and possibly +throw in a little journalistic work which would advertise you in the +evening papers. You’re not known enough up there.” + +“Not known? Why, surely you yourself must often have been recommended +to—” + +“Of course, of course,” the Tutor hastily interrupted,—“but not by any +one whose opinion or advice I at all respected. Whereas if I might just +have leisure to look round and jot things down, now that I am here, I +could put you in touch with specialists who—” + +“Now, look here,” said the Monarch, “if you’re going to stay here at all, +you must please to remember that this isn’t a University. I simply won’t +have idlers loafing round wasting their own time and demoralizing society +with their lazy habits. Pardon my abruptness” (he continued, more +mildly), “but with all the exclusiveness in the world I can’t prevent our +getting a little mixed now and then, and if people come here with +academic ideas I really couldn’t be responsible for order and morality. +We should be as Anglo-Indian as Olympus in no time.” + +“Very true! very true!” said the Shade. “I quite see. Satan finds some +mischief still—eh? as I used to say when I was a Dean. Since you really +insist on it, I suppose there _had_ better be some trifling torture by +way of occupation. Only look here—it mustn’t be any of the things I used +to do up above. Quite absurd, you know, to go on reading the same books +you did at school—no, I mean, to be made to continue on the same old +lines I followed before I came up—down, I should say. It’s so +monotonous, and it isn’t improving.” + +“Well,” said Pluto, “we’ll see what can be done, on that assumption. It +does rather limit possibilities, though, doesn’t it? You see I have to +confess that, considering it’s the nineteenth century, we are a little +behind the times—no great variety in the matter of punishments.” + +“Why don’t you bring them up to date?” asked the visitor. + +“Practically,” he replied, “it’s a question of expense. With funds, I +could do much more. Roasting over a slow fire, for instance, is good: +they have that in another place: but just think of the coal bill! Then +viva-voceing and vivisecting without anæsthetics are of course admirable; +but the cost of expert labour involved would be ruinous. Result is, that +nearly all my penalties are self-acting and consequently simple in +design; and, on the whole, except in the case of _blasés_ people who come +here with a too varied experience, they answer tolerably well.” + +“All right,” said the Tutor, “suggest an occupation.” + +“Let me see,” said the Ruler of the Shades, and he pondered a few +moments. “How would it be, now, if you were to take a turn with our +friend Sisyphus? He rolls a big stone up a hill, and just as he thinks +it’s going to get to the top, down it comes again—most disappointing. +Quite inexpensive, and very healthy, _I_ should say, and really, as an +object-lesson in the force of gravity, not uninstructive.” + +“Won’t do at all,” replied the Tutor. “In the Vacations I was always +walking up hills and having to come down before I got to the top. Then +in the Term I used to teach Logic to passmen; and really, if you think—” + +“Yes, yes,” Pluto agreed; “the occupations would be practically +identical. Of course, that won’t suit you. Well, then, there’s Ixion, +who goes round on a wheel.” + +“I’m a bicyclist myself,” objected the Tutor. + +“Are you? Pity, too, because Ixion says his wheel’s old-fashioned; he +wants a new one with pneumatic tyres warranted puncturable, which shows +that he is really entering into the spirit of the thing. You might have +had his old one for a song, I’m sure. However, what do you say to +calling on those Danaid girls, and getting them to teach you their little +industry? There, again, you have simplicity itself. Take a can with a +hole in the bottom, go on pouring water into it—” + +“I thought I told you,” murmured the deceased, wearily, “that I have +followed the profession of teaching.” + +“Very true; I had forgotten. Don’t know what we can do to suit you, +really! Perhaps you’d like to imitate Theseus—_sedet aeternumque +sedebit_, as Virgil said. Astonishing how Virgil picked these details +up! There’s old Theseus, sitting like a hen. They say he’s as tired of +sitting as if he were a rowing-man.” + +“As an ex-member of the Board of the Faculty of Arts—” began the Tutor. + +“Ah, dear me!” replied Pluto. “Then that won’t do either? Those Boards +must be excellent from my point of view. I have often wished I had one +or two down here. But I’m really afraid we’re getting to the end of the +list. And, you know, if we can’t provide you with anything, back you’ll +have to go. _I_ won’t keep you, eating your head off. But, talk of +eating! shall I put you up beside Prometheus, and ask his eagle to do a +little overtime work by taking a turn at your liver? I am afraid we +could hardly stand you a private eagle all to yourself. It is said to be +quite painful; I really don’t think you can have gone through that, with +all your experience.” + +“Oh yes I have,” returned the Tutor; “a long course of Hall dinners has +familiarized me with every possibility in the way of liver trouble. The +eagle business would be the merest _crambe repetita_.” + +“Bless the man!” cried Pluto, justly provoked. “Very well; then you +can’t stay here, that’s all. I’ve given you all the alternatives Hades +has at its disposal, and you tell us you have been through them all in +your University! All I can say is, you had better go back to it, and +stay there.” + +“The Bursar,” said the Tutor, “will not be best pleased to see me again. +He thinks he has got my Fellowship, and is going to use it for the +benefit of the College farms. I can tell you he won’t like it one bit +when I reappear at the College Meeting.” + +“The Bursar and I shall have plenty of time for an explanation—later,” +said Pluto. + + + + +THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL {77} + + +I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of my friend +John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this town. Everybody +knows his establishment. It does a very large business indeed: you can +get practically everything there—coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate, +biscuits, steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of +every kind, in short. My old friend is tremendously proud of his shop, +which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict honesty (and really +for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly honest) and attention to +business principles. He has put a deal of capital into it, and spares no +expense in advertising; in fact, he keeps a regular department for +poetry, which is written on the premises and circulated among customers +and others, and explains in the most beautiful language that the house in +Britannia Road is the place to go to for everything. John, who prides +himself on his literary taste, considers this to be the finest poetry +ever written; and Mrs. Bull reads it out to him in the evening before he +has his regular snooze after supper. + +Everything was going on swimmingly until this unfortunate Hooligan +trouble began. I must explain to you that Mr. Bull owns a great deal +more property than the actual premises where he transacts business. +Somehow or other, in course of time he has become the proprietor of bits +and scraps all over the town and suburbs—tenements, waste lands, eligible +building sites, warehouses, and what not—the whole making up what, if it +was put together, would be a very considerable estate. How it all came +into John Bull’s hands nobody knows properly; indeed, I don’t think he +does himself. Some of it was bought, and bought pretty dear too. Some +of it was left to him. A good deal of it he—one doesn’t like using the +word, but still—well, in fact, took; but, mind you, he always took +everything for its good, and for the ultimate benefit of society, not for +any selfish reasons; so that to call Mr. Bull a pirate, as Dubois does +who keeps the toy-shop over the way, is manifestly absurd. Anyhow, it is +a very fine property, and would be bigger still if Jonathan C., a cousin +of the family, hadn’t taken off a good slice which used to belong to +John. + +As I was saying, this property is a very large straggling affair, most of +it a long way off from the shop. Its owner finds it very hard to look +after every part; all the more so, because this town has no regular +police, and is therefore continually troubled by gangs of roughs, who go +about breaking windows and even heads, and doing damage generally. They +are always giving a great deal of trouble to the Bull people; and what +makes it worse is that very often they are actually tenants on the +property, who ought to know better. One of these Hooligan crowds lately +made a dead set against poor John; it was all the harder because to my +personal knowledge he had shown himself most kind and forgiving to +various members of this particular gang; and once before, when they came +and broke his windows, he refused to prosecute, and simply gave them five +shillings to drink Mrs. Bull’s health and not do it again. That is the +kind of man he is, sometimes. In spite of this indulgent and charitable +treatment, they came the other day and made a raid into an outlying +corner of his property and did all sorts of damage; and not content with +this, they actually squatted there on land which was no more theirs than +it is mine (I am thankful to say), where they insulted and even assaulted +innocent passers-by, and levied blackmail on John Bull’s adjacent +tenants, and, in short, became the terror of the neighbourhood and a +disgrace to civilization. And when Mr. Bull’s watchman (I told you there +is no regular police force, and everybody has to look after himself), +when Thomas Atkins, I say, came with orders to turn them out, they told +him to go—I hardly like to say where—and absolutely refused to stir; +quite the contrary; they hid themselves behind rubbish-heaps and +hoardings and such like, and threw things at Thomas; and when he tried to +catch them, they ran away and hid behind more hoardings, so that when you +thought they were in one place they were always somewhere else, and the +poor watchman got so knocked about with stones and brickbats that the +next morning, when he came round to the shop to report progress, he had a +black eye, and a cut head, and a torn coat, and a nasty bruise on one of +his legs. Mrs. Bull had to patch up his coat and give him some arnica +and vaseline. + +Poor Mr. Atkins! He is a most respectable man, and an excellent +watchman, as was his father before him. It is a tradition of the Atkins +family that they are as brave as lions, and do not know what fear is; but +unfortunately they are not always very clever, and Thomas is a little +slow at learning, and does not pick up new tricks readily. His father +had a tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois’ watchman once, +right in the middle of the public street—thirty-six rounds or so they had +of it—and licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style; and that +is always Thomas’s way, and the only thing that he understands properly; +none of your underhand dodges like hiding behind places and throwing +brickbats when one isn’t looking. So that the Hooligan ways of fighting +were quite too much for him at first. And although Mr. Bull spent a lot +of money in buying him a new watchman’s rattle and a very expensive +second-hand truncheon, nearly as good as the best kind, still it was all +no good, and Thomas couldn’t turn the invaders out. + +All this time you must not suppose that Mr. Bull’s neighbours had nothing +to say about the matter. On the contrary, they were very much interested +and, I am sorry to say, pleased. Dubois the Frenchman, and Müller, the +man who keeps the World’s Cheap Emporium, and Alexis Ivanovitch, the big +cornfactor in the next street who is always maltreating his workmen, were +never tired of saying nasty things about Mr. Bull and crowing over the +mishaps of Mr. Atkins. Everybody knows what a terrible quarrel there was +some years ago between Müller and Dubois, and how Müller went into the +toyshop and thrashed the Frenchman then and there, so that poor Dubois +had to go to bed for a week, and for a long time afterwards used to go +about vowing vengeance. But this didn’t in the least prevent the two +from fraternizing on the common ground of enmity to John Bull. They +would meet—by accident, of course—just under his windows, and then Müller +would say, very loud, to Dubois, “Is it not ridiculous, my friend, that +this once apparently so mighty Herr Bull and his watchman should again by +the Hooliganish crowd have been defeated?” Or perhaps, “This is what +comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no one to +protect them. How much better to have a small compact business (though +it’s not so small either, mind you) like my Emporium, by a large number +of properly trained watchmen defended!” And Dubois would say,—so that it +annoyed the Bull household very much indeed,—“Behold the fruits of being +a pirate and a robber. Conspuez M. Atkins! Justice for ever! À bas les +Juifs!” (he always says that now when he is angry—goodness only knows +why). Indeed Dubois got so excited that he actually thought of breaking +John’s windows, though on reflection he decided that he wouldn’t do it +just yet. And John was very cross with Atkins and the shopboy, and even +with Mrs. Bull and his son J. Wellington Bull, and caused it to be +generally known that he would knock Dubois’s head off for sixpence if he +got the chance. Then Paddy Gilhooly, who is a tenant of the Bulls’, in +Hibernia Road—and a shocking bad tenant, too, who never pays any rent +when he can help it, and keeps his premises in a disgraceful condition, +with a lot of pigs and poultry running about in the front parlour—this +Paddy must needs put his finger in the pie and turn against his own +landlord, so that whenever Mr. Atkins came along Hibernia Road Paddy +would put his head out of window and shout, “Hooligans for iver! More +power to th’ inimy! Crunchy aboo!” and other similar observations, of +which no one took the least notice, because it was the way with the +Gilhooly family. Still, it was very ungrateful of Paddy, after all +John’s kindness to him; besides being painful to Mr. Atkins, who is a +near cousin of the Gilhoolys and would not wish to be disgraced by the +conduct of his relations. I don’t know why it is, but somehow or other +Mr. Bull has not the gift of making himself generally popular. Time +after time he has lent Paddy money; and as for Müller and Dubois, if they +want good advice on the proper conduct of their business, they know where +to come for it: but they don’t seem to appreciate the privilege. In +short, if it wasn’t for that little bankrupt wine merchant Themistocles +Papageorgios, whom John saved some time ago from the consequences of +litigation with a Turkish firm, I doubt if my poor friend has one sincere +wellwisher among all the townsmen. + +However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to change their +tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull’s luck being on the mend. Thomas Atkins +did not make a very good start, certainly; but as time went on he learnt +a number of new tricks, and the violent exercise which he had to take put +him into excellent training. Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls showed +a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, Larry, to help Mr. +Atkins. So, what with Thomas being, so to speak, a new man, and Larry +being very strong and active, and the shopboy coming out to lend a hand +when required, the three between them began to turn the tables. They +caught two or three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and +I sincerely hope and trust that they will do the same with all the rest +very soon. This seems to have produced a great change in the sentiments +of Mr. Bull’s fellow-citizens. Müller is not nearly so contemptuous as +he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has remembered that he +is going to have a big summer sale this year, and that it would be very +embarrassing, under the circumstances, to be embroiled with an +influential person like this brave M. Bull, as he calls him now. Only +Ivanovitch is still very sulky and goes on using violent expressions. I +am afraid there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the +cornfactor—though goodness knows the town ought to be big enough to hold +both of them. But the fact is they have both got mortgages on a china +shop in the suburbs which is in a bad way financially, and it makes them +as jealous of each other as possible. + +Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; and, on the +whole, if things don’t get worse, Bull may congratulate himself on having +done pretty well so far. But it has hit him rather hard. What with +buying things for Mr. Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and +having had to put up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the shopboy +away from his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of +money, one way and another; and besides, as he is very much afraid of +this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if the whole business of +the shop were going to be put on a different footing. For here is J. +Wellington Bull, who was to have helped behind the counter, going out now +to do watchman’s duty with the others; and as likely as not the old man +himself will have to take to patrolling his property instead of looking +after his customers; so that, in all probability, there will be no one +but Mrs. B. to see after the shop. And, as John said to me the other +day, these are no times for leaving a business to be managed by old +women. + +He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing. + + + + +THE NATION IN ARMS + + + This is the tale that is told of an almost universally respected + Minister, + Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, and + their plans ambitious and sinister, + For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from + continual warlike alarms, + Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very good + one too) of a Nation in Arms! + Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot ardour— + (This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or Walt + Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),— + He assured his crowded audience that, while everyone must deprecate a + horrid, militant, Jingoist attitude, + Not to serve one’s country—at least on Saturday afternoons—was the + very blackest ingratitude: + Death on the battlefield,—or at least the expense of buying a + uniform,—was the patriots’ chiefest glory; + Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) pro + patria mori! + Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it humble + cot or family mansion, + Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and + Imperial Expansion: + That was the habit of mind which a Briton’s primary duty to stifle + was, + Seeing that the country’s salvation lay rather with the intelligent, + spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who didn’t care how obsolete the + pattern of his rifle was: + Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he did + not mean to acquire it, + For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by display of + a combative spirit; + Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of + international conditions he + Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with Guaranteed + Efficiency,— + Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a + properly peaceful principle + Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that won’t please the mere + purist, but I’m sorry to say it’s the only available one) wholly, I + say, and completely invincible! + This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with + cut-and-dried details to fetter a + Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England + Expects—et cetera. + After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed by + about two hundred reporters, + The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and + continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three quarters. + The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that nothing + would well surpass it + That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National Asset: + No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed by + the charms + Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms: + To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear or + sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre, + Was a duty—if not for oneself, yet incumbent without any shadow of + doubt on one’s neighbour; + Still there were some who might possibly urge that the world was at + peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,— + Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to sacrifice + his Saturday half-holiday might legitimately inquire what he was + likely to get for it; + So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this is, to + be sure!) that the Minister’s scheme was replete with attraction, + They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of encouraging + a spirit of Militarism and a number of other excellent reasons) before + putting his plan into action. + Then the Continental Potentates—and if I venture at all to allude to + them, it is + Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the most + regrettable extremities: + This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of peace + is, + And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use of the + figure Aposiopesis— + However—the net result was that a time arrived when Consols went down + to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out of work and + professional footballers docked of their salary, + And several League matches had to be played at a lamentable financial + loss in the absence of the usual gallery! + Then, some time after that (it’s really impossible to say what + happened in between) when business at last had resumed its usual + working, + And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully realistic + manœuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and Dorking,— + Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is + recorded in fable + That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered from + exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of the stable; + And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, football + grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers, + Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Chasseurs, Bashi-Bazouks, or + Junkers; + And I don’t think they talked very big about Nations in Arms, or + inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring motto, + But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite + well—in spite of the dangers of Militarism—for the plain and simple + reason that they’d got to! + + + + +THE INCUBUS + + + Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme! + Whereon with eloquence less deep than full, + Still maundering on in slow continuous stream, + All can expatiate, and all be dull: + Bane of the mind and topic of debate + That drugs the reader to a restless doze, + Thou that with soul-annihilating weight + Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those + Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose: + + Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse + (Seeking some subject for my painful pen) + The _Times_, the _Standard_, and the _Daily News_, + No other topic floats into my ken + Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates + Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban + Of furious Bishops excommunicates + Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man! + Thinks may perhaps appease th’ unwilling Anglican. + + Lo! at Society’s convivial board + (Whereat I do occasionally sit, + In hope to bear within my memory stored + Some echo thence of someone else’s wit), + Or e’er the soup hath yielded to the fish, + A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze: + Lucullus’ self would shun th’ untasted dish + When lovely woman whispers, “Tell me, please, + What _are_ Denominational Facilities?” + + From scenes like these my Muse would fain withdraw: + To Taff’s still Valley be my footsteps led, + Where happy Unions ’neath the shield of Law + Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg’s head: + In those calm shades my desultory oat + Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill, + Of Man ennobled by a Single Vote,— + In short, I’ll sing of anything you will, + Except of thee alone, O Education Bill! + + + + +THE WORKING MAN +(After seeing his Picture in the Press) + + + Working Man! whose psychic beauty + (Unattainable by me) + Still it is my pleasing duty + Painted by your friends to see,— + You, whose virtues ne’er can bore us, + Daily through their list we scan, + Let me swell th’ admiring chorus, + Let me hymn the Working Man! + + You whose Leaders, highly moral, + Always shocked by war’s alarms, + Could not in their country’s quarrel + Contemplate the use of arms, + Yet, should strikes provide occasion, + Then by higher promptings led + Do with more than moral suasion + Break the erring Blackleg’s head:— + + You, whose intellectual state is + Such that you are aiming at + Getting all your culture gratis + (Not that you’re alone in that),— + Always with the strict injunction + That whate’er be false or true + Every teacher’s simple function + Is to teach what pleases you:— + + Not to gain by learned labour + Any sordid _quid pro quo_: + Not to rise above your neighbour + (Comrades ne’er are treated so): + Not to change your lowly station, + Not for rank and not for pelf, + Academic education + Only, only for itself,— + + Yet in whose commercial dealings + Vainly we attempt to find + Those disinterested feelings + Which adorn the Student’s mind,— + Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers! + There your dream of happiness + Is (like mine, and several others’) + Earning more for working less! + + ’Tis not that I blame your getting + Anything you think you can: + ’Tisn’t that which I’m regretting, + Noble British Working Man! + No—although the facts I mention + Sometimes wake a mild surprise— + Still—the truth’s beyond contention— + You are good, and great, and wise: + + Swell my taxes: stint my fuel: + Last, to close the painful scene, + Send me, rather just than cruel, + Send me to the guillotine: + Ere the knife bisects my spinal + Cord, and ends my vital span, + This shall be my utterance final, + _Bless_ the British Working Man! + + + + +CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM + + + They tell me the Millennium’s come + (And I should be extremely glad + Could I but feel assured, like some, + It had): + They tell me of a bright To Be + When, freed from chains that tyrants forge + By the Right Honourable D. + Lloyd George, + We shall by penalties persuade + The idle unrepentant Great + To serve (inadequately paid) + The State,— + All working for the general good, + While painful guillotines confront + The individual who could + And won’t: + But horny-handed sons of toil, + Who now purvey our meats and drinks, + Our gardens devastate, and spoil + Our sinks, + Shall seldom condescend to take + That inconsiderable sum + For which they daily butch, and bake, + And plumb; + Such humble votaries of trade + No more shall follow arts like these; + Since most of them will then be made + M.P.s! + + * * * * * + + And can I then (with some surprise + You ask) possess my tranquil soul, + And view with calm indifferent eyes + The Poll, + While partisans, in raucous tones, + With doleful wail or joyful shout + Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones + Is out? + I can: I do: the reason’s plain: + That blissful day which prophets paint + Perhaps may come: perhaps again + It mayn’t: + And ere these ages blest begin + (For Rome, I’ve heard historians say, + Was only partly finished in + A day) + In men of sentiments sublime + ’Tis possible we yet may trace + The influence of mellowing Time + And PLACE:— + O who can tell? Ere Labour rouse + Its ever-multiplying hordes + To mend or end th’ obstructive House + Of Lords, + And bid aristocrats begone, + And their hereditary pelf + Bestow with generous hand upon + Itself— + Why, Mr. George,—his threats forgot + Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,— + Himself may be, as like as not, + A Peer! + + + + +FORECAST + + + Tomkins! when revolving lustres + Thin those shining locks that now + Wreathe their hyacinthine clusters + Round your intellectual brow,— + You who in your nobler station + Still are kind enough to seek + Our political salvation + Rather more than once a week,— + + Think you, will your rightful value + Still be duly understood? + Will the British Public hail you + Always great and always good? + When the Peoples fight for Freedom + And the tyrant’s rage confront, + Will they call for you to lead ’em? + —No, my friend: I fear they won’t. + + Soon or late are Truth’s apostles + Laid upon their destined shelf; + You, who talk of Ancient Fossils, + Tomkins! will be one yourself: + Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your + Ancient crusted ways will view, + Wondering oft with smile superior + What’s the use of Things like you! + + All the schemes that win you glory, + Meant to mend our mortal mess— + These will simply brand you Tory, + Nothing more and nothing less: + You who waked the world from slumber, + You, who shone in Progress’ van, + You’ll be then a mere Back Number, + Obsolete as good Queen Anne! + + You I see with zeal excessive + Dying then for causes, which + Now (forsooth) you call Progressive, + In reaction’s Final Ditch: + By Conservatives in caucus + (Ardent youth, reflect on that!) + Sent to stem the horrid raucous + Clamours of the Democrat . . . + + No: I do not wish to quarrel + With your high exalted sense; + No: there isn’t any moral— + Not of any consequence: + Only, ’neath your exhortations + Passive while we’re doomed to sit, + Themes like these conduce to patience,— + And I thought I’d mention it. + + + + +PAGEANTS + + + My Tityrus! and is’t a fact + (As wondrous facts there are) + That History’s scenes thou wouldst enact + Beside the banks of Cher? + Wilt thou for pomps like these desert + Thy calm and cloistered lair, + Not quite so young as once thou wert, + Nor (pardon me) so fair? + + We saw thee stalk in youthful prime + With high Proctorial mien: + We saw the majesty sublime + Which marked the Junior Dean; + O pundit grave! O sage M.A.! + Say in what happy part + Thou wilt before the crowd display + Thy histrionic art! + + With cranium bald, which ne’er again + Will need the barber’s shear, + Wilt thou present in Charles his train + Some long-locked Cavalier? + A sober Don for all to see + Who once didst walk abroad, + Wilt now an Ancient Briton be + And painted blue with woad? + + Me from such scenes afar remove, + And hide my shuddering head + Where Nature doth in field and grove + Her fairer pageant spread: + There will I meditating lie + ’Mid summer’s calm delights,— + But thou wilt walk adown the High + My Tityrus,—in Tights. . . . + + + + +RULES FOR FICTION + + + A Novelist, whose magic art, + Had plumbed (’twas said) the human heart, + Whom for the penetrative ken + Wherewith he probed the souls of men + The Public and the Public’s wife + Declared synonymous with Life,— + Sat idle, being much perplexed + What Attitude to study next, + Because he would not wholly tell + Which Pose was likeliest to sell. + To him the Muse: “Why seek afar + For things that on the threshold are? + Why thus evolve with care and pain + From your imaginative brain? + Put Artifice upon the shelf,— + Take pen and ink, and draw—Yourself!” + The author heard: he took the hint: + He photographed himself in print. + His very inmost self he drew. . . . + The critics said, “_This_ Will Not Do. + No more we recognize the art + Which used to plumb the human heart,— + This suffers from the patent vice + Of being not Art but Artifice. + ’Tis deeply with the fault imbued + Of Inverisimilitude: + He’s written out; his skill’s forgot: + He only writes to Boil the Pot! + It is not true; it will not wash; + ’Tis mere imaginative Bosh; + And if he can’t” (they told him flat) + “Get nearer to the Life than that, + He will not earn the Public’s pelf!” + + This happens when you draw Yourself. + Or—I should say—it happens when + Such portraits are essayed by Men: + For presently a Lady came + And did substantially the same. + (Let everyone peruse this sequel + Who dreams that Man is Woman’s equal),— + She with a hand divinely free + Drew what she thought herself to be: + It did not much resemble Her + In moral strength or mental stature— + Yet did the critics all aver + It simply teemed with Human Nature! + + + + +ART AND LETTERS + + + In that dim and distant æon + Known as Ante-Mycenæan, + When the proud Pelasgian still + Bounded on his native hill, + And the shy Iberian dwelt + Undisturbed by conquering Celt, + Ere from out their Aryan home + Came the Lords of Greece and Rome, + Somewhere in those ancient spots + Lived a man who painted Pots— + Painted with an art defective, + Quite devoid of all perspective, + Very crude, and causing doubt + When you tried to make them out, + Men (at least they looked like that), + Beasts that might be dog or cat, + Pictures blue and pictures red, + All that came into his head: + Not that any tale he meant + On the Pots to represent: + Simply ’twas to make them smart, + Simply Decorative Art. + So the seasons onward hied, + And the Painter-person died— + But the Pot whereon he drew + Still survived as good as new: + Painters come and painters go, + Art remains _in statu quo_. + + When a thousand years (perhaps) + Had proceeded to elapse, + Out of Time’s primeval mist + Came an Ætiologist; + He by shrewd and subtle guess + Wrote Descriptive Letterpress, + Setting forth the various causes + For the drawings on the vases, + All the motives, all the plots + Of the painter of the pots, + Entertained the nations with + Fable, Saga, Solar Myth, + Based upon ingenious shots + At the Purpose of the Pots, + Showing ages subsequent + What the painter really meant + (Which, of course, the painter hadn’t; + He’d have been extremely saddened + Had he seen his meanings missed + By the Ætiologist). + + Next arrives the Prone to Err + Very ancient Chronicler, + All that mythologic lore + Swallowing whole and wanting more, + Crediting what wholly lacked + All similitude of Fact, + Building on this wondrous basis + All we know of early races; + So the Past as seen by him + Furnished from its chambers dim + Hypothetical foundations + Whence succeeding generations + Built, as on a basis sure, + Branches three of Literature, + Social Systems four (or five), + Two Religions Primitive; + So that one may truly say + (Speaking in a general way) + All the facts and all the knowledge + Taught in School and taught in College, + All the books the printer prints— + Everything that’s happened since— + Feels the influence of what + Once was drawn upon that Pot, + Plus the curious mental twist + Of that Ætiologist! + + But the Pot that caused the trouble + Lay entombed in earth and rubble, + Left about in various places, + In the way that early races— + Hittites, Greeks, or Hottentots— + Used to leave important Pots; + Till at length, to close the list, + Came an Archæologist, + Came and dug with care and pain, + Came and found the Pot again: + Dug and delved with spade and shovel, + Made a version wholly novel + Of the Potman’s old design + (Others none were genuine). + Pots were in a special sense + _Echt-Historisch_ Documents: + All who Error hope to stem + Must begin by studying them; + So the Public (which, he said, + Had been grievously misled) + Must in all things freshly start + From his views of Ancient Art. + All (the learned man proceeded) + Otherwise who thought than he did, + Showed a stupid, base, untrue, + Obscurantist point of view; + Men like these (the sage would say) + Should be wholly swept away; + They, and eke the faults prodigious + Which beset their creeds religious, + Render totally impure + All their so-called Literature, + Lastly, sap to its foundation + All their boasted education,— + Just because they’ve quite forgot + What was meant, and what was not, + By the Painter of the Pot! + + * * * * * + + Pots are long and life is fleeting; + Artists, when their subjects treating, + Should be very, very far + Carefuller than now they are. + + + + +THE NOVEL + + + When by efforts literary you might scale the summits airy + Which the eminent in fiction are ascending every day, + Why obscurely crawl and grovel?—I will write (I said) a Novel! + So I started and I planned it in the ordinary way. + + I’d a Heroine—a creature of resplendent form and feature, + With a spell in every motion and a charm in every look: + I’d a Villain—worse than Nero,—I’d a most superior Hero: + And the host of minor persons which is needed in a book: + + Each was drawn from observation: yet was each a pure creation + Which revealed at once the genius of originating mind: + Not a man and not a woman but combined the Broadly Human + With a something quite peculiar of an interesting kind: + + What a wealth of meaning inner in the things they said at dinner! + How their conversation sparkled (like the ripples on the deep), + Half disclosing, half concealing a Profundity of Feeling + Which would move the gay to laughter and incite the grave to weep! + + There they stood in grace and vigour, each imaginary figure, + Each a masterpiece of drawing for the world to wonder at: + There was really nothing more I had to find but just the story, + Nothing more, but just the story—but I couldn’t think of that. + + Yet (I cried), in other writers, how the lovers and the fighters + Are conducted through the mazes of a complicated plan,— + How the incidents are planted just precisely where they’re wanted— + How the man invites the moment, and the moment finds the man! + + How a Barrie or a Kipling guides the maiden and the stripling + Till they’re ultimately landed in the matrimonial state,— + And they die, or else they marry (in a Kipling or a Barrie) + Just as if the thing was ordered by unalterable Fate,— + + While with me, alas! to balance my innumerable talents, + There’s a fatal imperfection and a melancholy blot: + All the forms of my creating stand continually waiting + For a charitable person to provide them with a Plot! + + Still I put the endless query why I wander lone and dreary + (Barred from Eden like the Peri) minus fame and minus fee, + Why the idols of the masses have an entrée to Parnassus, + While a want of mere invention is an obstacle to me! + + + + +FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD + + + Arise, my _Muse_, and ply th’ extended Wing! + It is of Language that I mean to sing. + Thou mighty Medium, potent to convey + The clearest Notions in the darkest Way, + Diffus’d by thee, what Depth of verbal Mist + Veils now the Realist, now th’ Idealist! + Our mental Processes more complex grow + Than those our Sires were privileged to know. + In Ages old, ere Time Instruction brought, + A Thought or Thing was but a Thing or Thought: + Such simple Names are now forever gone— + A Concept this, that a Noümenon: + As _Cambria’s_ Sons their Pride of Race increase + By joining _Ap_ to _Evan_, _Jones_, or _Rees_, + A prouder Halo decks the Sage’s Brow, + Perceptive once, he’s Apperceptive now! + Here sits Mentality (that erst was Mind), + By correlated Entities defin’d: + Here Monads lone Duality express + In bright Immediacy of Consciousness: + O who shall say what Obstacles deter + The Youth who’d fain commence Philosopher! + The painful Public with bewilder’d Brain + For Metaphysic pants, but pants in vain: + Too hard the Names, too weighty far the Load: + Language forbids, and _Br-dl-y_ blocks the Road. + From Themes like these I willingly depart, + And pass (discursive) to the Realms of Art. + Ye _Muses_ nine! what Phrases ye employ, + What wondrous Terms t’ express æsthetic Joy! + As once in Years ere _Babel’s_ Turrets rose + Contented Nations talk’d the self-same Prose: + As early _Christians_ in the Days of Yore + Took what they wanted from a common Store: + So different Arts th’ astonished Reader sees + Pool all their Terms, then choose whate’er they please. + ’Mid critick Crews (where Intellect abounds) + Sound sings in Colours, Colours shine in Sounds: + When mimick Groves _Apelles_ decks with green, + Or _Zeuxis_ limns the vespertinal Scene, + _Staccato Tints_ delight th’ auscultant Eye + And soft _Andantes_ paint the conscious Sky: + Nor less, when Musick holds the list’ning Throng, + How crisply lucent glows th’ entrancing Song! + Each loud _Sonata_ boasts its lively Hue, + And _Fugues_ are red, and _Symphonies_ are blue. + Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac’d, + Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste! + Yet such th’ Effect on merely human Wit, + That _Esperanto_ is a Joke to it. + + Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid! + Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade! + I see Democracy—an ardent Band + Who fain would read yet wish to understand— + Compell’d that Goal in alien Tongues to seek, + Fly for Relief to _Necessary Greek_, + Claim as their Right (advised by _Mr. Snow_) + The sweet Simplicity of ὁ ἡ τό,— + While Dons con English till they’re pale and lean, + And Candidates in _Mods_ do English for Unseen! + + + + +THE PUPILS’ POINT OF VIEW + + + Relate, my Muse, the fame of him + Whose calling and peculiar mission + It was to wage with courage grim + A battle ’gainst effete Tradition! + When Movements moved, with holy zest + He scaled the breach and led the stormers,— + And was among the first and best + Of Educational Reformers. + + He saw the Boy at Public Schools + Regard his books with fear and loathing, + From Latin’s arbitrary rules + Deriving practically nothing:— + He said,—“O bounding human Boys, + Of all the fare whereon you batten, + What chiefly mars your simple joys?” + With one accord they answered “Latin!” + + “Exactly so,” th’ Inquirer cried, + “This is the lore which cramps and stunts us; + O how can pedagogues abide + A course that makes their pupils dunces? + Since with the rules of Latin Prose + They can’t be brought to yield compliance, + This Fact conclusively it shows— + They’ve all a natural bent for Science!” + + They sought for Scientific Truth, + And pedagogues with books and birches + Guided the faltering steps of Youth + In biological researches: + The infant in his nurse’s care + In Science’ terms was taught to stammer: + They practised vivisection where + They used to cut their Latin grammar; + + ’Twas all in vain—the Human Boy + Remained unalterably chilly: + Still less than Virgil’s tale of Troy + He liked compulsory bacilli! + Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:— + “We’ll try,” he said, “a course of Spelling” . . . + But O, the way they hated that + Quite overcomes my power of telling! + + “There must be ways,” the good man said, + “(Though hitherto perhaps we’ve missed ’em) + Of putting things within the head: + We’ve something wrong about the System:” + And musing on the sacred flame + Of Genius, and the cause that hid it, + He unto this conclusion came— + COMPULSION was the thing that did it. + + “Within the Boy’s aspiring brain + For Study still there lies a craving, + And what is won against the grain + Is never really worth the having; + This boasted Categorical + Imperative is clearly vicious,— + Pastors and masters, one and all, + Must ascertain their pupils’ wishes!” + + And now those simple human Boys,— + All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,— + No pedagogues with idle noise + Impede upon the path of Learning:— + Released from books and teachers both, + No intellectual pastures feed ’em; + And, if they lose in mental growth, + Think how they gain in moral freedom! + + + + +HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS + + + _Of a Cheerful Hope_. + + Whene’er you do to Meetings go, as many such there be + (And few and far those persons are who home return to tea), + Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your way— + The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say. + + _Of an Exordium_. + + Consult your hearers’ happiness, and state for their relief + That you’ll avoid prolixity and study to be brief: + For if you can’t be brief at once, ’twill comfort them to know + That you’ll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so. + + _Of Obedience to Rule_. + + Should e’er the Chairman censure you, as Chairmen oft will do, + And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep thereto, + (Though points are things, by Euclid’s law, that always must be + missed— + They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don’t exist)— + Obey at once the Chairman’s hest (because, as you’re aware, + It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair), + Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss, + And state the things you _might_ have said—unless he’d ruled it thus. + + _Of a Peroration_. + + And when you’ve spent your arguments yet somehow still go on + (It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you’ve done), + Don’t search about for topics new or vex your weary brain, + But take what someone else has said and say it all again. + + _Of Impartiality_. + + And when at last your speech is o’er, be careful if you can + That none may hint—a horrid charge—that you’re a Party Man: + So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may, + But keep your mental balance true, and + Vote the other Way. + + + + +EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY + + + Two youths there were in days of yore + Called Jones and Robinson. + Jones had abilities galore, + While Robinson had none. + + They met with corresponding fates: + And Jones, that genius proud, + Obtained in time a First in Greats: + While Robinson was ploughed. + + Jones hoped that mental gifts like his + Might gain a Fellowship: + But ah! full many a slip there is + Between the cup and lip: + + “You have a brain,” the College said, + “Which unassisted soars: + ’Tis not for Colleges to aid + Abilities like yours! + + Go—wealth awaits your gathering hand, + And empires crave your rule! + But Fellowships like ours are planned + To help the helpless fool.” + + He tried the Press: he tried the Bar: + But still the Bar and Press + Said, “Not for him our openings are + Whose gifts ensure success: + + Such posts are meant (’tis justice plain) + For those unhappy chaps + (Like Robinson) whom lack of brain + Unfairly handicaps!” + + And now—yet check the rising tear: + It seems that long ago + Those Founders whom we all revere + Meant it to happen so— + + Some lack of necessary food, + All in a garret lone, + Has ended Jones. I thought it would. + But Robinson’s a DON. + + + + +UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS + + + BY LAMBDA MINUS + + A rumour and rumbling volcanic + Is heard in the Radical Press, + And Presidents tremble in panic + And Wardens their terrors confess: + How each with anxiety shivers, + The Dean with his fines and his gates, + The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers, + The pedant who ploughed me in Greats! + + The doctrines degrading they taught, and + The Progress they nipped in the bud: + The things that they did when they oughtn’t + And failed to perform when they should: + The Questions prevented from burning, + The Movements forbidden to move, + Recoil on their centres of learning, + Their Parks and the System thereof! + + Afar will Democracy chase it, + That gang of impenitent Dons + Who drowned the occasional Placet + By bawling their truculent Nons: + No idle and opulent College + Will feed that obstructionist clique, + Those scoffers at Practical Knowledge + Who vote for compulsory Greek. + + And now when the Party of Labour, + Asserting its virtuous sway, + Annexes the wealth of its neighbour + In Labour’s traditional way,— + When purged of its various abuses + By Birrell’s beneficent rule, + This haunt of the obsolete Muses + Is changed to a charity school,— + + When Fellows and bloated Professors + Their stipends are forced to disgorge, + (Obeying the fiat of Messrs. + Keir Hardie and Burns and Lloyd George) + Deprived by the wrath of the Nation + Of all their unmerited aids, + Perhaps to escape from starvation + They’ll take to respectable trades! + + O wholly delectable vision! + I view with excusable glee + The fate of the shallow precisian + Who failed to appreciate Me;— + I fancy I see myself tossing + With blandly contemptuous mien + A penny for sweeping a crossing + To him who was formerly Dean! + + + + +DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE + + +(“Education differs from technical training.”—Expert opinion in a letter +to the _Times_.) + + Not in vain with quaint devices + Infants of the age of four + Build their mimic edifices + All upon the nursery floor; + Neither is the presage missed + By the Educationist, + When he doth the fact recall + How that Balbus built a wall! + + Thus I mused on such-like theses, + While my errant fancy swam + Through the circumambient breezes + To the silver streams of Cam,— + There observed with pleased surprise + Ancient Universities + Still in touch at every stage + With the Progress of the Age; + + There, released from sloth and coma + (Alma Mater’s chief defect), + There they grant a new Diploma + To the budding Architect, + Take the blighted Builder’s art + To their academic heart, + Hope it may in time become + Part of their curriculum: + + There they tell their College Porters + Not to think it strange or odd + When a load of bricks and mortar’s + Dumped within the College quad; + No indignant Tutor hauls + Him who scales the College walls,— + Plying on that airy perch + Architectural Research! + + Thus I sang: I seemed to see an + Epoch made, the Future’s guide; + But my glad exultant pæan + Was not wholly justified: + Men whose names we all revere, + Stars in Architecture’s sphere, + Phrases used which don’t imply + Any genuine sympathy: + + Ch---mpn---ys, Bl---mfield, T. G. J---cks---n, + Hushed my lyre’s triumphant string— + Said in limpid Anglo-Saxon + What they thought about the thing: + “Seats of learning are designed + For to Educate the Mind, + Not to teach a craft or trade,” + _That_ was what these persons said! + + What! and must a thwarted Nation + Draw the obvious inference? + What! a Liberal Education + Doesn’t mean the quest of pence? + (Really, this extremely crude + Obscurantist attitude + Isn’t quite what one expects + From distinguished Architects!) + + Here’s another dear illusion + Reft away and wholly gone: + O the spiritual confusion + Of the pained progressive Don! + If the facts are quite correct + As regards the Architect, + Comes the question, plain and clear, + _How about the Engineer_? + + + + +ICHABOD: A MONODY + + + Now is the time when everything is glad, + Their vernal greenery the fields renew, + Each feathered songster chants with livelier tone, + And lambkins leap and cloudless skies are blue, + And all is gay and cheerful:—I alone + Am singularly sad; + Mine erstwhile happiness and calm content + Yields to a sense of sorrowful surprise: + Things that I thought were thus, are otherwise: + And all is grief, and disillusionment. + + For He, who did in everything surpass + Our common world,—the Good, the Truly Great, + The Working Man, who shamed with standards high + Our obscurantists unregenerate,— + Is not, ’twould seem, better than you, or I, + Or any other ass: + The vision’s faded, as a snowflake melts; + Fallen is that idol from his high renown: + He hath waxed fat, and kicked, and tumbled down, + And we must seek ensamples somewhere else! + + Where is it, Comrades! in this direful day— + That noble zeal for academic lore, + That reverence due for discipline, in which + He used to shine conspicuously o’er + The Brainless Athlete and the Idle Rich? + O, does he now display + That ample breadth of calm impartial view, + That sober judgment and that balanced mind, + Which we were taught that we should always find, + O R---skin College, domiciled in you? + + I have a Pupil: when his mental food + Fails (as it will) his appetite to sate, + What! does that patient much-enduring elf + Proclaim a strike? set pickets at my gate? + Boycott my lectures? give them for himself? + (Full oft I wish he would:) + Nay—when he finds those lectures dull and flat, + He asks no other: new ones might be worse: + Too well he knows that Cosmos’ ordered course + Meant him to hear, and me to talk like that. + + Also I own I’m disappointed by + Your friends and patrons, British Working Man! + For they, methought, were champions of the Cause, + Fighters for Freedom, foremost in the van, + Not servile scruplers, bound by rules and laws, + Not men who dealt in dry + Respectable traditions: leaders true, + No timid Moderates, who would define + Too strict a boundary ’twixt Mine and Thine, + Potential martyrs, heart and soul with you:— + + ’Twas all illusion: they would feed you with + Mere talks on Temperance: when your spirit’s wings + Would soar to Sociology alone, + Whereby will come that blessed state of things + When none has property to call his own, + They give you—Adam Smith . . . + These too are fall’n: ah me, that I should live + To hear our brightest Radicals and best + By angry Labour in such terms addressed + As might apply to a Conservative! + + To this conclusion I perforce must come, + ’Twere best we parted: seeing that we, ’twould seem, + Haply have no appreciation of + Your high ambitions and your aims supreme, + Nor can we hope that you should greatly love + Our mental pabulum: + Depart, O Comrades! to some happier sphere + Where you can still be nobly on the make, + And mine, or plumb, or brew, or butch, or bake,— + Best to depart, and leave us mouldering here! + + Yea, if ye scorn our learning overmuch, + Misguided sons of horny-handed toil! + Yet discontented with your lowly lot + Still pine to burn the sad nocturnal oil + ’Mid academic culture, or ’mid what + Describes itself as such— + Go elsewhere, O my brothers! only go + To Bath, to Birmingham—where’er the Don + Teaches the sacred art of Getting On,—— + —It is not far from here to Jericho. + + + + +THE PANACEA + + + It is Research of which I sing, + Research, that salutary thing! + None can succeed, in World or Church, + Who does not prosecute Research: + For some read books, and toil thereat + Their intellect to waken: + But if you think Research is _that_ + You’re very much mistaken. + + All in Columbia’s blesséd States + They have no Smalls, or Mods, or Greats, + Nor do their faculties benumb + With any cold curriculum: + O no! for there the ambitious Boy, + Released from schools and birches, + At once pursues with studious joy + Original Researches: + + A happy lot that Student’s is, + —I wish that mine were like to his,— + Where in the bud no pedants nip + His Services to Scholarship: + And none need read with care and pain + Rome’s History, or Greece’s, + But each from his creative brain + Evolves semestrial Theses! + + On books to pore is not the kind + Of thing to please the serious mind,— + I do not very greatly care + For such unsatisfying fare: + To seek the lore that in them lurks + Would last _ad infinitum_: + Let others read immortal works,— + I much prefer to write ’em! + + + + +THE HEROIC AGE + + + When I ponder o’er the pages of the old romantic ages, ere the world + grew cold and gray, + When there wasn’t a relation between Oxford and the Nation, or a + Movement every day, + How I marvel at the glamour (in these duller days and tamer) which + informed those scenes of glee, + At the glamour and the glory of contemporary story, and the Eights as + they used to be! + + It is obvious that the weather must have differed altogether from the + kind that now we know: + I arise from reading Fiction with the permanent conviction that it did + not hail, nor snow: + For each fair and youthful charmer had a summer sun to warm her and a + bran new frock and hat,— + In the progress of the lustres, when the crowd of Fashion musters it + has grown too wise for that. + + Every boat from keel to rigger was a grand ideal figure as it skimmed + those Wavelets Blue, + While the Heroes who propelled ’em were comparatively seldom of a + commonplace type, like you— + In their strength and in their science they were positively giants, + through the gorgeous days of old, + Still an Admirable Crichton in those _lieben alten Zeiten_ was the + oarsman brave and bold: + + He could row devoid of training, and (it hardly needs explaining) got + a quite unique degree: + With his blushing honours laden, he espoused a lovely maiden at the + end of Volume Three: + This alone he had to grieve for—that he’d nothing more to live for, or + expect from Fortune’s whim: + For I never could discover, when his Oxford days were over, what the + world could hold for him! + + O the rapture singlehearted of that Period has departed, with its + views ornate of Man, + And I think it won’t come back till we restore the Pterodactyl, or + revive the late Queen Anne: + We have grown in mental stature, and we Go Direct to Nature, in these + days of stress and strife, + And the hero of a novel in a palace or a hovel is intolerably True to + Life:— + + Not an infant learns to toddle but EFFICIENCY’S his model, which he + still pursues with rage, + In a manner inconsistent with the methods dim and distant of that + mid-Victorian age: + For that atmosphere Elysian it has faded from our vision and has gone + where the old tales go, + And I really don’t know whether I regret altogether—but the simple + fact is so. + + + + +MAKERS OF HISTORY + + + Minstrels! who your choicest notes + Keep for men who row in boats, + Mark with what exalted mien + Comes the Hero of the Scene! + He, amid the festal swarm, + Fashion’s glass and mould of form, + How in shape and how in features + Far surpassing other creatures, + How incomparable to + Common things like me and you! + He in whose transcendent state + All the ages culminate— + Could we ever keep him thus, + How delightful ’twere for us! + Could he, ’mid the admiring throng, + Ever beauteous, ever young, + Still abide for ever pent + In his true environment, + Wear that aureole still which now + Decks his high victorious brow! + Out, alas! that Fortune can’t + Ever give us what we want! + HE must quit this vernal stage: + HE must sink to middle age + (E’en the Poet’s soaring wit + Scarcely can envisage it): + Go with men of common clay + In to business every day: + Be perhaps a Brewer, or + Haply a Solicitor,— + None the fact to notice that + Haloes once adorned his hat: + Ay! the ways of Fate are odd: + Men are mortal . . . Ichabod . . . + + * * * * * + + Yet shall stay by stream and tree + Something still of what was He,— + Plainly put, his More or Less + Immaterial Consciousness,— + Very fine and very large, + Floating o’er his College barge: + Always while the world continues + Bards shall sing his thews and sinews,— + Here he rowed and here he ran, + Being rather more than man;— + Thus as ages onward go + Still he’ll great and greater grow, + Larger still in prose or rhyme + Looming down the aisles of time, + Till he sit, sublime and vast, + ’Mid the Giants of the Past, + Men who lived in days of old + (Ch-tty, W- -dg-te, N-ck-lls, G-ld), + Lived and rowed in ages dark + Long ere Noah built the Ark, + Very, very famous oars, + Mighty men in Eights and Fours, + Towering o’er our Browns and Smiths + Huge and grey, like Monoliths. + + Thus the Hero’s happy fate + Keeps in store a blissful state, + All adown the Future dim, + Nearly worthy e’en of Him! + + + + +ALMA MATER FILIO + + + Dear Youth! whose wealth and lineage high + Each outward sign denotes, + The highly fashionable tie, + The latest thing in coats— + Imprinted on whose candid brow + No gazer could detect + (As e’en your enemies allow) + The Pride of Intellect— + + Who, ’spite your want of mental scope + And lack of Serious Aim, + Still left us, as we dared to hope, + More pensive than you came, + And thus at least, while critics vied + In pointing out our flaws, + For our continuance supplied + A kind of Final Cause:— + + Your part is played, your turn is o’er: + Prepare to quit the stage: + It seems you’re not the person for + The Spirit of the Age: + Though high your birth, though large your means, + I see—’tis sad, but true— + Soon, ’mid these academic scenes, + No corner left for you! + + Ah! what avail the things that went + To build your prosperous lot, + The ample cash, the long descent, + The athlete’s frequent pot, + The waistcoat bright of ardent red + Or fascinating green, + The social charm that captive led + The Provost, and the Dean? + + I see the Cherwell’s peaceful flood, + I see the courts of King’s + Invaded by a student brood + Which knows all kinds of things— + A crowd with high desires replete, + Whose recreations are + To sit at Professorial feet + And join a Seminar: + + Bright Butterfly! your haunts of old + Are tenanted by men + Who realise what studies mould + Th’ Efficient Citizen . . . + These shall alone the blessings know + Of Isis and of Cam, + And You (I’m sure ’tis better so) + Will go to—Birmingham! + + + + +IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM + + + Lo, where yon undistinguished grave + Erects its grassy pile on + One who to all Experience gave + An Alpha or Epsilon! + + The world and eke the world’s content, + And all therein that passes, + With marks numerical (per cent.) + He did dispose in classes: + + Not his to ape the critic crew + Which vulgarly appraises + The Good, the Beautiful, the True + In literary phrases: + + He did his estimate express + In terms precise and weighty,— + And Vice got 25 (or less,) + While Virtue rose to 80. + + Now hath he closed his earthly lot + All in his final haven,— + (And be the stone that marks the spot + _On one side only_ graven,) + + Bring papers on his grave to strew + Amid the grass and clover, + And plant thereby that pencil blue + Wherewith he looked them over! + + There, freed from every human ill + And fleshly trammels gross, he + Lies in his resting-place until + The final Viva Voce: + + So let him rest till crack of doom + Of mortal tasks aweary,— + And nothing write upon his tomb + Save β—(?). + + THE END + + * * * * * + + PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. + + + + +Footnotes: + + +{24} 1897 + +{77} 1900. + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** + + +******* This file should be named 30690-0.txt or 30690-0.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/6/9/30690 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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D. Godley</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + P.gutsumm { margin-left: 5%;} + P.poetry {margin-left: 3%; } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4, H5 { + text-align: left; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + table { border-collapse: collapse; } +table {margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto;} + td { vertical-align: top; border: 1px solid black;} + td p { margin: 0.2em; } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: small; + text-align: right; + font-weight: normal; + color: gray; + } + + div.gapspace { height: 0.8em; } + div.gapline { height: 0.8em; width: 30%; } + div.gapdoubleline { height: 0.3em; width: 50%; + margin-left: 25%; border-top: 1px solid; + border-bottom: 1px solid;} + div.gapshortline { height: 0.3em; width: 20%; margin-left:40%; + border-top: 1px solid; } + .citation {vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none;} + img.floatleft { float: left; + margin-right: 1em; + margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.floatright { float: right; + margin-left: 1em; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em; } + img.clearcenter {display: block; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0.5em; + margin-bottom: 0.5em} + --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Casual Ward, by A. D. Godley + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Casual Ward + academic and other oddments + + +Author: A. D. Godley + + + +Release Date: December 16, 2009 [eBook #30690] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** +</pre> +<p>Transcribed from the 1912 Smith, Elder & Co. edition by +David Price, email ccx074@pglaf.org</p> +<h1>THE<br /> +CASUAL WARD</h1> +<p style="text-align: center">ACADEMIC AND OTHER<br /> +ODDMENTS</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">by</span><br /> +A. D. GODLEY</p> +<div class="gapspace"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center">LONDON<br /> +SMITH, ELDER & CO.<br /> +15 WATERLOO PLACE<br /> +1912<br /> +[<i>All rights reserved</i>]</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page ii--><a +name="pageii"></a><span class="pagenum">p. ii</span>PRINTED BY<br +/> +WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED<br /> +LONDON AND BECCLES</p> +<table> +<tr> +<td colspan="2"><p style="text-align: center"><!-- page iii--><a +name="pageiii"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +iii</span>CONTENTS</p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> </p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span +class="smcap">page</span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">M. T. Ciceronis de Lege Bodleiana +Oratio</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page1">1</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Eights in Fiction</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page6">6</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> I. <span class="smcap">Old +Style</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page6">6</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> II. <span class="smcap">New or +Kodak Style</span> (From the French)</p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page10">10</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Thucydides on the Influenza</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page13">13</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Herodotus on Horseback</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page17">17</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Tac. Hist.</span>, <span +class="smcap">Bk. VI</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page21">21</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Journalistic Touch</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page24">24</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> I. <span class="smcap">The True +Tale of Troy</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page24">24</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p> II. <span class="smcap">Forgotten +History</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page32">32</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Philogeorgos, or Concerning +Bribery</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page38">38</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Phileleutheros; or, Concerning the +People’s Will</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page43">43</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Tutor’s Expedient</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page49">49</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The End and Object—</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page64">64</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Tortured Tutor</span>: <span +class="smcap">a Dialogue of the Dead</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page71">71</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Difficulties of Mr. +Bull</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page77">77</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Nation in Arms</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page87">87</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Incubus</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page92">92</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><!-- page iv--><a name="pageiv"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. iv</span><span class="smcap">The Working +Man</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page94">94</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Concerning a Millennium</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page97">97</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Forecast</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page100">100</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Pageants</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page103">103</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Rules for Fiction</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page105">105</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Art and Letters</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page107">107</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Novel</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page112">112</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Fragment of a Jargoniad</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page116">116</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Pupils’ Point of +View</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page119">119</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Hints for the Transaction of Public +Business</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page122">122</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Equality of Opportunity</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page125">125</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">University Commissions</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page127">127</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Diplomas in Architecture at +Cambridge</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page130">130</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Ichabod: a Monody</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page133">133</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Panacea</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page137">137</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">The Heroic Age</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page139">139</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Makers of History</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page142">142</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">Alma Mater Filio</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page145">145</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td><p><span class="smcap">In Memoriam Examinatoris +Cuiusdam</span></p> +</td> +<td><p style="text-align: right"><span class="indexpageno"><a +href="#page148">148</a></span></p> +</td> +</tr> +</table> +<p> </p> +<p><!-- page vi--><a name="pagevi"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +vi</span>Nearly all the flights in this book have been first +taken in the <i>Cornhill Magazine</i>, the <i>Oxford +Magazine</i>, or the <i>Saturday Review</i>. They are +reproduced by the kind permission of the Editors of these +periodicals. I am allowed also to reprint a set of verses +published by Messrs. Constable & Co.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">A. D. G.</p> +<p><i>November</i>, 1912</p> +<h2><!-- page 1--><a name="page1"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +1</span>M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO</h2> +<p class="gutsumm">[<span class="smcap">Literally Translated by a +Balliol First-Class Man</span>]</p> +<p class="gutsumm">[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the +precincts of the Bodleian Library]</p> +<p>I. Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript +Fathers, you are now called upon to decide: whether to one man by +the counsel and advice of Curators it is to be permitted that he +should take away from you the power of placing in the Proscholium +the instruments of celerity, the assistances of (your) feet, the +machines appointed by a certain natural providence for the +performance of your duties: whether, in which place our ancestors +sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of the +Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one +guardian of books. O singular impudence of the man! +For be unwilling, Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe <!-- +page 2--><a name="page2"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +2</span>that in this pretence of consulting for (the interests +of) a public building something more is not also being aimed at +and sought to be obtained: in such a way (<i>lit.</i> so) he +attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the +liberty of each one of you: that by this example and as it were +by the thin end of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a +royal power over all these things, which I (as) consul +preserved. Concerning which matter I could say much, if +time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable condition +of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns +from (their) fortunes.</p> +<p>II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the +Doctors, what! shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of +men nothing can exist more holy, nothing more upright, nothing +more auspiciously established) be compelled to come on foot that +they may consult those most sacred volumes in which the Roman +people have wished that all learning should be included? +The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I believe, +walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them +against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) +happens, some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer <!-- +page 3--><a name="page3"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +3</span>(their) bicycles lacking shelter to be most miserably +corrupted by rain. It has been handed down to memory, +Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was permitted by the +republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible fortitude, to be +borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a +dinner. Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped +that he might by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: +shall we, who desire to hasten not for the sake of lust and the +belly, but for the sake of this learning and books, be forbidden +to employ bicycles? I pray and entreat you, Conscript +Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the heart +itself and entrails of the commonwealth.</p> +<p>III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I +name; for the sake of honour) is near, in which machines may be +sheltered. O thing before unheard (of)! From which +place even undergraduates have been excluded by a certain divine +will: into that shall bicycles be thrown? O times, O +manners! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the +studies of most learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in +this way. Moreover, they also have a library, that to them +also it may be possible to say that wheels should be kept afar +<!-- page 4--><a name="page4"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +4</span>off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a porter: they +will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which act I blame +in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done +with the greatest legality.</p> +<p>IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley +himself, I say, should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is +not necessary that I should remind you with what ancient severity +he would inveigh against this new power, against the +Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the Curators themselves: for +you can calculate (it) in (your) minds. He would say to +them, “Did I give you authority over books, that you should +use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a +most convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? +did I endow you with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, +that you should therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion +over the common utility, and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of +the poorer citizens?” To which interrogation and most +stern reproach I do not think they, although they are of a +remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there +(anything) that can be replied.</p> +<p>V. Although I wish to say more things, I am <!-- page +5--><a name="page5"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 5</span>deterred +by the will of the editor of that most known Magazine (than which +paper I do not think that anything is more conjoined with the +safety of the republic): nor am I not also prevented by tears and +weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there is anything in +you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of humanity +(which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common +citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the +intolerable influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that +the seat of the Muses, the School of Divinity, the most +delightful meeting-places of Boards of Faculties, should be +stained by royal power and polluted by cruelty. Which that +it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by your votes, +I most confidently predict and vaticinate.</p> +<h2><!-- page 6--><a name="page6"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +6</span>THE EIGHTS IN FICTION</h2> +<h3>I. <span class="smcap">Old Style</span></h3> +<p>“There’s nothing that emphasizes the <i>amari +aliquid</i> of life like one’s tobacconist,” mused +Fane Trevyllyan as he flung a box of eighteenpenny Emeticos into +the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette.</p> +<p>It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of 18--; and the +stroke of the Charsley Hall boat reclined wearily in his +luxuriously furnished apartments within that venerable College +and watched the midday sun gilding the pinnacles of the +Martyr’s Memorial. It had been a fast and furious +night, and Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared to +remember: and now he was very weary of it all. Had it not +been for one thing, he would have thrown it all up—sent +dons, deans, duns, and dice to the devil, and gone down by the +afternoon train: as it was, there was nothing for it but to +recline on his <!-- page 7--><a name="page7"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 7</span>tiger-skins and smoke countless +cigars. He never would train.</p> +<p>“Going to row to-day, Fane?” It was little +Bagley Wood, the cox. Trevyllyan sanctioned his presence as +if he had been a cat or a lapdog: to all others he was stern and +unapproachable—a true representative of his Order.</p> +<p>“Don’t know, <i>caro mio</i>,” was the +reply. “It’s such a bore, you know: and then I +half think I promised to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity up +the Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge.”</p> +<p>“What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion has come +down on purpose to see us catch Christ Church! why, +<i>sapristi</i>, where can your eyes be?” The stroke +hissed something between his clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood +found himself flying through an unopened window.</p> +<p>“<i>Cherchez la femme</i>! it’s always the way +with the Trevyllyans,” muttered the lad, as he picked +himself up from the grass plot in the quadrangle and strolled off +to quiet his nerves with a glass of <i>aguardiente</i> at the +Mitre.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>An August moon shone brightly on the last night of the great +aquatic contest: the starter had fired his pistol, and all the +boats but one were off.</p> +<p><!-- page 8--><a name="page8"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +8</span>“Hadn’t you better think about starting, +Trevyllyan?” asked the coach of the Charsley Hall Eight, a +trifle pale and anxious. “See, they are all under +way. Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church stroke, swears +you shan’t bump him as you did last week. He must be +past the Soapworks by this time.”</p> +<p>“<i>Caramba</i>! then I suppose we ought to get +in,” replied the other; and as he spoke he divested himself +of the academical garb that scarcely concealed his sky-blue +tights, and stood, a model of manly beauty, on the banks of the +rushing river. Then, throwing away a half-finished cigar, +Trevyllyan strode into the boat. <i>Per Bacco</i>! +’twas a magnificent sight. As the crack Eight of the +river sped swiftly after her rival, cheers arose from the bank, +and odds on both boats were freely taken and offered by the +<i>cognoscenti</i>.</p> +<p>You and I, <i>amigo mio</i>! have seen many a race in our +day. We have seen the ’Varsity crews flash neck and +neck past Lillie Bridge: we have held our breath while Orme ran a +dead heat with Eclipse for the Grand National: we have read how +the victor of the <i>pancratium</i> panted to the <i>meta</i> +amid the Io Triumphes of Attica’s vine-clad +Acropolis. But we did not see the great Christ Church and +Charsley’s race—that great contest which is still the +talk of <!-- page 9--><a name="page9"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 9</span>many a learned lecture-room. +They say the pace was tremendous. Four men fainted in the +Christ Church boat, and Trevyllyan’s crew repeatedly +entreated him to stop. But he held on, inexorable as the +Erinnyes.</p> +<p>Fair as Pallas Anadyomene—fair as the Venus whom Milo +fashioned <i>pour se désennuyer</i> in his exile at +Marseilles—the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion sat throned on +the University Barge, and watched the heroes as their bare arms +flashed in the moonlight. And now they were through the +Gut, and the nose of the Charsley’s boat pressed hard on +its rival: yet Fane Trevyllyan did not make his final +effort. Would he spare Glanville Ferrers? <i>Quien +sabe</i>? They had been friends—once. But the +die was cast. As the boats sped past her the Lady Gwendolen +stooped from her pride of place and threw a rose—just +one—into the painted poop of the Christ Church +wherry. That was all: but it was enough. Trevyllyan +saw the action where he sat: one final, magnificent, unswerving +stroke—those who saw it thought it would never +end!—and with a muttered “Habet!” he sent the +brazen beak of his Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of +his helpless competitor.</p> +<p><i>Galeotto fu il libro</i>, <i>e chi lo scrisse</i>.</p> +<h3><!-- page 10--><a name="page10"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +10</span>II. <span class="smcap">New or Kodak +Style</span><br /> +(From the French)</h3> +<p class="poetry">If they are frivolous, these Universities!<br +/> +At present great sensation in Oxford: this town, so gloomy, so +sad ordinarily, is to-day <i>en fête</i>.<br /> +Is it that one elects a new <i>Vice-Chancellor</i>?<br /> +No.<br /> +It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which goes to take +place.<br /> +One discusses in the <i>salons</i> the most <i>chic</i> how many +kilogrammes they weigh, these heroes of the oar.<br /> +Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads of Colleges <i>en +matelot</i>.<br /> +What a spectacle!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +On the barges. . . .<br /> +Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of ladies excite our +admiration by their beauty and our respect by their +intelligence.<br /> +Whence do they come, these damsels, so young, so charming?<br /> +It is that they have arrived from the metropolis <!-- page +11--><a name="page11"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 11</span>at +the request of their brothers, their cousins—what do I know +of it? perhaps their <i>prétendants</i>—of whom they +wish to enhance with their applause the athletic triumph.<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +After all, they are adorable, these English misses!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +On the bank. . . .<br /> +One hears the portentous echo of the <i>Five-Minutes-Gun</i>.<br +/> +Moment tremendous!<br /> +They have started: one sees already the <i>strokesman</i> of the +<i>first-boat</i>.<br /> +One would say a whole University that runs on the +<i>towing-path</i>, and that utters loud cries.<br /> +Here and there <i>coachmen</i> are seen carrying pistols and +pronouncing terrible execrations.<br /> +Why these pistols? . . .<br /> +A little brutal, these English: but of a force, a virility!<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +I myself who speak to you am infected by this enthusiasm.<br /> +I run: I utter cries: I <i>raffole</i> of the +<i>leading-boat</i>: I shout En avant! Vive la +Madeleine! Vive le Cercle Nautique! Hourra! . . .<br +/> +<!-- page 12--><a name="page12"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +12</span>But one does not do these things at forty years.<br /> +I am out of breath, what? I wish to stop.<br /> +Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous!<br /> +I appeal to you in the name of France, who respects you: do not +annihilate me, do not pulverize me. . . . .<br /> +Vain appeal! One would say the car of Juggernaut.<br /> +I am knocked down: I am <i>criblé</i> with kicks: I am +massacred.<br /> +. . . . .<br /> +Ah! . . .</p> +<h2><!-- page 13--><a name="page13"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +13</span>THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA</h2> +<p>Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic +among the Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to +write as soon as it broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering +it to be the most noticeable of all that had appeared +previously. (For the place was not liable to diseases at +other times, but especially free from them, except that which +affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to the +metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to +go to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both +for other reasons and not least this.) As to the causes of +it, then, let any one speak who is aware of them: but I will show +what things happened on account of it, having both myself put on +an æger and seen others similarly afflicted, so that I can +describe it with equal certainty more than the narrative of +another not having done so, but relying on the <!-- page 14--><a +name="page14"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 14</span>incredibility +of historians more than the sureness of experience.</p> +<p>For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what +Homer says about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan +business—</p> +<blockquote><p>First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but +afterward, aiming at the men his piercing dart, he smote,</p> +</blockquote> +<p>seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the +College Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of +all the men themselves. But most of all the scouts were +affected, and this caused the greatest calamity: so that a man +must often wish that his scout might recover, wishing indeed +contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the greatness of the +surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse things +at the hands of a scout’s boy, or considering it terrible +if he shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not +being brought to him. And all laws concerning meals were +brought into a state of confusion, so that many anticipated +taking the commons of another. And they welcomed the +hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their hunger in +the present as much more important than another man’s +inability to pay his debts in the future.</p> +<p><!-- page 15--><a name="page15"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +15</span>But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed +the disease was the commencement of lawlessness to a greater +extent for the city. For cuttings of chapels and avoidings +of lectures, which are an agony for the present more than a +possession for ever, and in short all such things as the +indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily +dared to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor +has the influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put +on an æger before being hauled he should pay the +penalty. And though some, indeed, did things exactly +contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now went in the +morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being present +the paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the +multitude of those who were absent might gain them a prestige of +virtue not real but simulated—yet with most there was now +neither fear of the Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches: +disobeying whom they ate and drank all kinds of things contrary +to law, no one being willing to exert himself for that which +seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the present +abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of +being bumped in the future about as much and <!-- page 16--><a +name="page16"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 16</span>not less than +if he had smoked three pipes and a cheroot. And not only +was injustice prevalent among those who were as yet in good +health, but many of those in the ships, being or seeming to +themselves to be sick, had their places taken by others +accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly +inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice +combined with experience of the others, was in reality less +powerful than the language which those on the bank thought worthy +to use concerning them.</p> +<p>Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition +against Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, +Nicolaidas being commander second himself; and they advanced as +far as Third Trinity, and having ravaged part of the land and set +up a trophy, they returned home.</p> +<h2><!-- page 17--><a name="page17"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +17</span>HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK</h2> +<p>At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was +instituted a contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed +to celebrate every spring. And this contest is of such a +kind, not being well arranged according at least to my +opinion:—Having dug trenches and built other ramparts +parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of +the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them +invoking the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, +when they have placed men upon horses they cause them to cross +these by leaping under the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever +anticipates the others arriving at the goal, sitting at least on +the same horse on which sitting he set out, and not it running, +having left him behind, nor he himself on foot, he is considered +to have conquered. The reason why I said that this contest +is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being +possible to contend in a level <!-- page 18--><a +name="page18"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 18</span>place without +danger or difficulty, the Oxonii nevertheless themselves make +obstacles so as to prevent the horses from (not) arriving at the +end of the course, neither being compelled nor there being any +necessity +(οὐδεμίης +ἀναγκαίης +ἐούσης). Then, +however, they did these things, and also, as they are accustomed +to do on such occasions, they sent messengers to inquire of other +prophets and also of the Delphic oracle who should be the +conqueror. The Pythian priestess, being mindful how she had +formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median business, +replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of victory lay +around a wooden wall. Now having this as a proof I will +neither refuse to believe in oracles myself nor allow others to +disbelieve them. For when the race had begun and the horses +had been sent away by the sound of a trumpet, other men were +taking part in the contest, and also Pheron the son of Trapezites +a Corinthian: this is not the Pheron who, his father having +founded a city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who were +called Hetairi, because he had allied himself with the democracy +forsooth (δηθεν). And there are +other things written about this Pheron in the history composed by +Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia second himself for one year, +and in fact caused <!-- page 19--><a name="page19"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 19</span>Pheron to fall out by reason of +sedition. What I have said just now is a digression and +refers to other matters, and I will now come back to my former +story. So then the men, having in the first part of the +contest done things worthy of themselves, and having for the most +part, although not all, yet the majority, avoided the (not) +falling into ditches and the like incurably at least, came +presently to the wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall +meant by the Delphic oracle. It being then necessary either +remaining on the hither side to be driven away from all hope of +the prize or leaping to run risks concerning their lives, and the +rest having leapt in such a way that they crossed the fence +sitting rather upon the ground than upon their horses, and some +neither with them nor upon them, as the Lacedæmonians say +about their shields: this Pheron, of whom I have before made +mention, showed himself to be prudent in other things and also in +this. He, having a horse much the most active of all the +rest, was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly +until he had arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the +race being easy for him, he came to the goal very much the first, +having anticipated. In this way he obtained the +prize. I have learnt the names of all the other <!-- page +20--><a name="page20"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +20</span>competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate +them, not now at least.</p> +<p>When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also +a contest for the natives of the country, in which not a few were +roughly handled) they returned in chariots to the city, driving +not straight like the Greeks, but obliquely, as is +customary. This story some relate, relating things credible +to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot, and no one +else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some +way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the +reins of the horses: to whom the other replied +“But—for do you not already hold them?” +These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did +nevertheless arrive safely at the city.</p> +<h2><!-- page 21--><a name="page21"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +21</span>TAC. HIST., BK. VI.<br /> +<span class="smcap">De Avla S. Edmvndi</span>.</h2> +<p>1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici +expediam. Mauretaniam post decessum Tedimurii cuicumque +servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine fines augendi +contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara +gens. mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum +instituta professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam +sapientiam. namque ut divitias ita librorum scientiam +contemptui habent: et est plerisque indocta canities.</p> +<p>2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa +scholarum patientia. is collectis in aulam Edmundi +popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum locutus fertur: “si +apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura cohortandi causa +dicenda erant. nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios +iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos +Stubbinsiorum dominatu potitos? quid Tabernarios +Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab iisdem suum lucrum <!-- page +22--><a name="page22"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 22</span>ex +aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos atque +mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos +habent, puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen +expostulantes. quanta profanarum litterarum scientia +pacatissima loca polluerint, non est opus dictu apud +gnaros. quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam nuper +[praemii nomen] occupaverunt? eandem nobis Brigantes +necessitatem imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos +videbimus.” tum ad iuvenes conversus “eone +ventum esset” interrogat “ut antiquissima aulae iura +corrumpi sinerent? Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos +pessimam servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa +prope noctu insolitis adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium +arcana. mox et specimen partium Magrathium remigare +coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset. num et +sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter +quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore +ostentui? proinde simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus +populus priscam et traditam a patribus tranquillitatem coleret et +tueretur.”</p> +<p>3. His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium +fines et principes ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni +liberentur. egressis claudit portas <!-- page 23--><a +name="page23"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 23</span>Reginensis +sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non Brigantes quamquam +civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam hostem +arcendi. igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri: +procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per +ludibrium percunctantibus. mox ab Omnianimensibus propter +mediocritatem doctrinae consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et +inter socios conscribi concessum. ibi per speciem +cruditatis interfecti. aula in formam provinciae +redacta. nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum +est, non esse curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse +exstinctionem.</p> +<h2><!-- page 24--><a name="page24"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +24</span>THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH <a name="citation24"></a><a +href="#footnote24" class="citation">[24]</a><br /> +(<span class="smcap">i.</span>) <span class="smcap">the true tale +of troy</span></h2> +<p>(It is perhaps not generally known that the <i>Daily +Hieroglyphic</i>, one of the leading morning papyri of Egypt +under the --th Dynasty, despatched a special correspondent to +Greece at the time of the Trojan War. Some fragments of his +communications have been discovered by the energy of modern +tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled +us to publish these <i>disjecta membra</i>, which may perhaps be +of interest to the public at the present juncture.)</p> +<p>The only social <i>événement</i> (writes the +correspondent under date Jan. 10, 1100 <span +class="smcap">b.c.</span>, or thereabouts) which I have to +chronicle is a reported domestic <i>esclandre</i> in the family +of Menelaus, the genial and popular Prince of Sparta. In +consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is alleged, has gone +to Paris.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><!-- page 25--><a +name="page25"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 25</span>Mycenae, +January 12.</p> +<p>It appears from the <i>Court Circular</i> that Her Royal +Highness has been advised by her physicians to reside for some +time in Asia Minor. At the same time I cannot conceal the +fact that the Corinthian society paper, <i>Alethea</i>, mentions +the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this story. I +am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of +scandal.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 1.</p> +<p>The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international +complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. +It is stated on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador +has been recalled from the former capital, the alleged reason +being promotion to a still higher diplomatic post: there seems, +however, to be no reasonable doubt that the practical rupture of +relations between the Empires of the West and East is not +remotely connected with the eternal maxim, “Cherchez la +femme.” Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince +Menelaus.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 20.</p> +<p>Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial +increase of the Navy have been placed in <!-- page 26--><a +name="page26"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 26</span>the hands of +Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated firm of +shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for.</p> +<p>The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an +animated debate. M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote +which would enable him to enrol three more phalanxes. He +was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, Leader of the Extreme Left, +who demanded to know why the Achaean nation was to be plunged +recklessly into war for the settlement of matters properly +pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately +for the success of M. Diomedes’ proposal, the closure was +put in operation.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>M. Thersites’ funeral is announced for to-morrow (about +the time of loosing oxen).</p> +<p style="text-align: right">February 25.</p> +<p>I cannot better describe the existing political situation than +by quoting the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and +elsewhere.</p> +<p>All the official journals are consistently warlike in +tone. They declare that nothing will satisfy Achaean +aspirations but the annexation of Helen. The Athenian +<i>Asty</i> declares that should King <!-- page 27--><a +name="page27"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 27</span>Agamemnon +employ the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a +stepping-stone to lop off another limb from the decaying trunk of +the (so-called) Trojan Empire, he will have achieved a permanent +blessing to civilization.</p> +<p>On the other hand, the <i>Olympian Times</i> comments severely +on the precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the +rash proceedings which have led to a rupture that might have been +averted by diplomacy. As the <i>Times</i> is understood to +be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an utterance may well give +rise to the gravest apprehensions.</p> +<p>The <i>Oracle</i>—a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical +tendencies—preserves an ambiguous tone.</p> +<p>Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the +<i>entourage</i> of King Priam. Hector Pasha has been +appointed War Minister. The <i>Prehistoric Post</i> speaks +of the enlistment of two new regiments of Hittite Bashi-Bazouks +in the interior of Asia Minor. The <i>Cassandra</i>, +however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be +inspired, has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, +and confidently predicts the destruction of Troy.</p> +<p>The <i>Ephemerios Chronographos</i> has received the following +telegram from the veteran statesman <!-- page 28--><a +name="page28"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 28</span>Nestor: +“Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. Bag and +baggage only possible policy. Postcard +follows.—Nestor, Hawarden, Pylos.”</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 1.</p> +<p>His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, +amid scenes of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and +His Excellency Count Aegisthus were both visibly affected. +Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds shouting, “To +Ilion!”</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 8.</p> +<p>The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising +the wind shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services +of the notorious Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This +popular enlistment creates great enthusiasm.</p> +<p>The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is +contradicted this morning by an official +<i>démenti</i>.</p> +<p>H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious +house.</p> +<p>Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2).</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable +anxiety.</p> +<p style="text-align: right"><!-- page 29--><a +name="page29"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 29</span>Tenedos, +March 15.</p> +<p>Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers +have issued a Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, +forbidding the landing of heroes and others. +Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt that several +demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring to +effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all +shades condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to +raise a storm. Hector Pasha is committing atrocities.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 17.</p> +<p>In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the +Powers, they have issued a Collective Note urging upon His +Majesty King Agamemnon the necessity of prompt withdrawal. +In view of his possible refusal, it is understood that +thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been +mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the +Achaean Press in general. The <i>Phaeacian Daily +Chronicle</i> goes so far as to threaten a mass meeting in +Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing +atrocities.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 18.</p> +<p>The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the <!-- page +30--><a name="page30"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +30</span>contending parties. It is understood that nothing +short of a <i>Deus ex machina</i> can avert a formal rupture of +relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts which +are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily +committed.</p> +<p>The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the +situation. His Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit +by a thunderbolt this morning.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 20.</p> +<p>I am authorized to state that the intervention of a <i>Deus ex +machina</i> has brought about the arrangement of a <i>modus +vivendi</i>. The Achaean expeditionary force is to +withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous. Menelaus, however, +is to be free to enforce administrative reforms.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">March 21.</p> +<p>Peace with Honour has been proclaimed. It is possible, +however, that some embarrassment may still arise from the action +of King Priam in assessing the material, moral, and intellectual +damage inflicted on himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 +women, and an ox. This sum will certainly be disputed.</p> +<p>It is asserted as probable that the Poet <!-- page 31--><a +name="page31"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +31</span>Laureate,—Homer, will be invited to compose an +epic poem commemorating the events of the raid. An edition +of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper, +with corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars.</p> +<h2><!-- page 32--><a name="page32"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +32</span>THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH<br /> +(<span class="smcap">ii.</span>) <span +class="smcap">forgotten history</span></h2> +<p>The Roman correspondent of the <i>Stella Lugdunensis</i> +writes to his paper under date <span class="smcap">a.v.c.</span> +817:—</p> +<p>All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the +Senate on the alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our +Imperial Master. (H.I.M., I should add, is at present on a +lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus; statements in the <i>Custos +Burdigalensis</i> to the effect that He is giving a series of +violin recitals are wholly without foundation.) The +impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation +of His Majesty’s recent action. How—it is +argued even by the Right—can it tend to the stability of +Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable military operations +between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should have directed +General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of campaign +for each of the belligerents? The <!-- page 33--><a +name="page33"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 33</span>Extreme Left, +as represented by Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes +much farther, and does not hesitate to criticize the autocratic +dilettantism which professes to lay down the law on artistic +matters which it does not in the least understand. It is +time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor should cease +to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile +entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius. +Absolutism is generally condemned.</p> +<p>Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists +have, of course, defended their master; but their apologies, it +is felt, were somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted. In +allusion to the lamented demise of the Dowager Empress, it was +pointed out that pity and loyalty alike should forbid trampling +on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic bereavements; and +attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial +Orphan. These, however, have not been uniformly crowned +with success.</p> +<p>Tension undoubtedly exists. I cannot (to speak plainly) +conceal from myself the fact that in a given contingency, the +nature of which it is unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to +specify further, circumstances at present unforeseen might +conceivably pave <!-- page 34--><a name="page34"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 34</span>the way for developments of which it +might be impossible to predict the eventual termination.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>“Ought Nero to Abdicate?” is the subject of a +“symposium” in the current <i>Primum Saeculum et +Post</i>. The signatures L and S are commonly associated +with the talented author whose <i>Pharsalia</i> has long been +recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and +the Rev. L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His +Majesty’s household. Should H.I.M. decide to +abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our Boeotian +contemporary the <i>Oracle</i>, which is sadly in need of new +blood. Nero will give it that. The meetings held at +the Palazzo Pisone were strictly private.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh +indiscretions. There is no doubt that a state of tension +exists, which can only be alleviated by the restoration of +reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people. +The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and +Prince Tigellinus is eagerly discussed.</p> +<p style="text-align: right">Later.</p> +<p>H.M.’s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is +stated to have been productive of entirely <!-- page 35--><a +name="page35"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 35</span>satisfactory +results. It is said that Nero now thoroughly understands +the situation, and is resolved to remodel His conduct +accordingly. Tension is greatly alleviated.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved +situation than by quoting the headlines in the <i>Acta +Diurna</i>.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANS<br /> +OUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSE.<br /> +RESTORED RELATIONS BETWEEN<br /> +CONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPEROR.<br /> +HIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATE.<br /> +AVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIME.<br /> +GREAT ENTHUSIASM.<br /> +DIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAIN.<br /> +IMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITION.<br /> +NEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED.</p> +<p>All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion +and distrust is practically at an end. Nothing shows it +more clearly than the happy renewal of social relations between +the Emperor and <!-- page 36--><a name="page36"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 36</span>the leading members of the +Senate. As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our +legislators have consented, at His Majesty’s earnest +request, to assist Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be +held in the Circus Maximus. Their collaboration is indeed +indispensable, large consignments of empty lions being reported +to have arrived at Ostia. The hearty sympathy between our +Ruler and His people is still further attested by the fact that +several Senators who were but lately among the foremost critics +of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in +the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the +Emperor by His Chancellor. Members of the Stoic Democratic +Federation have been invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the +Café Locusta.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Café Locusta dinner has been a great success. +It is not expected that the Stoic Democratic Federation will +express any further opinion hostile to the Imperial policy.</p> +<p>M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry.</p> +<p>Not the least noteworthy among social +<i>événements</i> is the departure of Piso (whose +tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject in +<!-- page 37--><a name="page37"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +37</span>Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, +N.B. He has left, according to one account, by the Hook +(<i>unco</i>).</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>I quote from the Court Journal:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of +His People. Persons asserting the contrary will be +decapitated.”</p> +</blockquote> +<h2><!-- page 38--><a name="page38"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +38</span>PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY</h2> +<p>Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend +Philogeorgos, who is at present one of those who desire to hold +office in the city. And I said to him—</p> +<p>“Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest +you should not be elected Archon?”</p> +<p>“No, Socrates,” he replied. “It is not +that which saddens me; it is the baseness of those who try to +prevent the people from choosing me.”</p> +<p>“In what way do they act basely?” I asked.</p> +<p>“There is a certain wine-seller,” he said, +“who is offering what the Hyperboreans call Free Drinks +(that is, you know, draughts of wine without payment) to all +those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for me.”</p> +<p>“That is very unkind of the wine-seller. But why +do you say that the transaction is base?”</p> +<p>“Why, of course it is base. How can it be anything +else?”</p> +<p><!-- page 39--><a name="page39"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +39</span>“When we predicate baseness of a +transaction,” I said, “we must also predicate +baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one of +them. Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you +are accustomed by this time to answer questions. When you +wish for a pair of shoes or a flute, how do you obtain +one?”</p> +<p>“How else,” he said, “except by buying it +from a shoemaker or a maker of flutes?”</p> +<p>“How else, indeed?” I replied. “So, +then, the tradesman gives you something which he possesses; and +you give the tradesman in return something which you +possess. And this exchange is advantageous to both of you, +and honourable; is it not?”</p> +<p>“I suppose so.”</p> +<p>“And neither of you becomes base?”</p> +<p>“Neither.”</p> +<p>“Then it is not a base transaction?”</p> +<p>“No.”</p> +<p>“Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man +who possesses a vote?”</p> +<p>“Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to +quibble, as usual.”</p> +<p>“It is only by dialectic,” I replied, “that +we can arrive at the truth. And the wine belongs, I +suppose, to the wine-seller?”</p> +<p><!-- page 40--><a name="page40"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +40</span>“It would seem so, at least.”</p> +<p>“Then when the wine-seller gets the voter’s vote +in exchange for his own wine, they simply give each other what +each possesses; and such a transaction, as you have said, is +advantageous to both parties, and honourable, and not base at +all.”</p> +<p>“I said,” he replied, rather angrily, “that +you were going to quibble. Of course, the case is quite +different. A vote is a sacred thing; and it ought not to be +exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires, such as +the desire for drink.”</p> +<p>“Nor for any other material comfort?” I asked.</p> +<p>“Certainly not,” he replied.</p> +<p>“Nobly spoken, indeed!” I said. “But I +confess, all the same, that you rather surprise me; for only this +morning I heard the herald proclaiming in your name that all the +citizens would have Free Food if they voted for +Philogeorgos. And I remember how some years ago either +Phaidrolithos or one of those around him used to promise at +elections that everyone should have three acres of land and a +cow, on condition that the city kept him and his party in +power. You do not mean to tell me that what Phaidrolithos +or his friends did was base?”</p> +<p>“No, indeed,” he replied. “But surely, +Socrates, <!-- page 41--><a name="page41"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 41</span>even you must see that this is a +different matter altogether.”</p> +<p>“How different? You say that votes must not be +exchanged for material comforts; yet Free Food is a material +comfort; and so are three acres, because they produce food; and +so, I presume, is a cow. And these things were offered to +the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the wine-seller now +is offering draughts of wine.”</p> +<p>“No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all. +When I talk of Free Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of +land and cows, we do not give these things immediately in +exchange for votes. We could not; they are not ours to +give; we have not got them.”</p> +<p>“That is very true,” I said. “For I +remember when Phaidrolithos and his party were put in power many +people used to come to those in authority and demand that they +should now receive three acres of land each and a cow; and when +they did not receive these things they were indignant, as having +been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men +will come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get +it. But, as far as I can understand your argument, it is +honourable to promise in return for a vote that which you cannot +give; but when <!-- page 42--><a name="page42"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 42</span>one promises that which he <i>can</i> +give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you +sad. Is it not so? And the reason seems to be that +when the wine-seller offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote +is sold; but when you offer Free Food for a vote, then it is not +the vote which is sold, but only the voter.”</p> +<p>“Socrates,” said Philogeorgos, “you are a +philosopher; and no philosopher ever understood politics. +But I am busy, and have really no more time to waste upon you and +your dialectics.”</p> +<p>“Farewell, then, Philogeorgos,” I said; “but +please do not be angry with me for being so stupid. And if +I were you,” I continued, “I do not think I would be +angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of +wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not +be paid for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of +voting for you rather than for Misogeorgos. Do you not +think so?”</p> +<p>But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing.</p> +<h2><!-- page 43--><a name="page43"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +43</span>PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE’S +WILL</h2> +<p>“Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios +has been lately doing about what he calls a +Referendum?”</p> +<p>“What thing?” I said. “I have heard +indeed lately that he has said this—that if he and his +friends should be elected to sit in the Ecclesia, he will not +propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first consulting +the citizens; and he has invited Askoïthios to do the same +thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first +consulting the citizens. Is that the dreadful +thing?”</p> +<p>“So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely +believe it: for it aims at the destruction of the +democracy. But I can tell him that Askoïthios will +certainly not do what he is invited to do.”</p> +<p>“Why will he not do it?” I asked.</p> +<p>“Because Askoïthios knows very well already that +all the citizens are in favour of giving autonomy to the +Samians.”</p> +<p><!-- page 44--><a name="page44"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +44</span>“Well, Phileleutheros,” I said, “in +that case he will do no harm by having consulted them. And +does Balphurios also know what the citizens think about taxing +Megarian imports?”</p> +<p>“Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and +his friends) abhor such a plan.”</p> +<p>“Then,” I said, “no harm will be done there +either; for the citizens, being consulted, will say what they +wish.”</p> +<p>“But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens +should be consulted. And that is why Askoïthios will +not consult them.”</p> +<p>“Why, Phileleutheros,” I said, “are you not +a democrat?”</p> +<p>“Of course I am.”</p> +<p>“And in a democracy do not the people rule?”</p> +<p>“I suppose so.”</p> +<p>“By saying what they wish to have done, or +otherwise?”</p> +<p>“By saying so, I suppose.”</p> +<p>“And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they +are not ruling, and it is not a democracy?”</p> +<p>“Perhaps.”</p> +<p>“Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is +a democratic man; and Askoïthios, <!-- page 45--><a +name="page45"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 45</span>who does not +ask them, is not a democratic man; nor are you one, apparently, O +Phileleutheros.”</p> +<p>“This is all nonsense, Socrates,” he said. +“Balphurios cannot be a democrat: for I am a democrat, and +I do not agree with Balphurios. And you have not the least +conception of what is meant by democracy: which is, that certain +persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that they may +sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the +people.”</p> +<p>“But for what reasons do you choose such persons?” +I asked.</p> +<p>“They ought to be chosen, Socrates,” he replied, +“because they possess the qualities proper to democratic +men.”</p> +<p>“You mean,” I said, “that they must hate and +speak evil of the rich; and that they must wish to diminish the +number of our triremes; and that they must refuse to tax Megarian +imports; and that they must be conscious of their own virtues and +the vices of others.”</p> +<p>“I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will +do.”</p> +<p>“But with all these qualities,” I said, +“will your ecclesiasts always know what you wish when +something unexpected happens about which it is necessary to +decide? For instance, if one of the chief speakers <!-- +page 46--><a name="page46"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +46</span>proposes a law that all burglars should be honoured by +dinners in the Prytaneum, will not your ecclesiasts come to us +and say, ‘O Socrates and Phileleutheros, we possess all the +qualities proper to democratic men: we are conscious of our own +virtues, and we should like to diminish the number of your +triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected; but as to +this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about +this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be +informed by you?’”</p> +<p>“If they do not know our wishes of themselves,” +said Phileleutheros, “they will suffer for it at the next +election.”</p> +<p>“That is very unpleasant for them,” I +replied. “Suppose now that you hired an architect to +build you a house, and that while he was building it he needed +your advice, and came and said to you, ‘O Phileleutheros, I +have given your house four walls and a roof according to your +wishes; but you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall +ought to have three windows or six. About this I do not yet +know your wishes, and I would gladly be informed by +you.’ Will you then say to him that you have no +authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he +happens to decide contrary to your will you will not employ him +again? Similarly, it seems <!-- page 47--><a +name="page47"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 47</span>to me, you +are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the agent of your +wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then tyrants +and not your servants—if to make laws not according to the +will of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the +ecclesiasts by dismissing them after a time, of course; but you +will only elect others who will be tyrants again in the same way +as their predecessors.”</p> +<p>“But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent +them.”</p> +<p>“Hardly,” I replied. “For your leaders +of the Ecclesia, who are democrats and will not consult the +people, and whom you praise, will ask the Nomothetae for their +opinion three times; and when thereby they are quite satisfied +that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it will +forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that +the leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to +do what they like without consulting anybody. And these +leaders, Askoïthios and his friends, are few in relation to +the mass of the citizens, are they not?”</p> +<p>“They are not many, certainly.”</p> +<p>“That is something to be thankful for,” I +said. “They then, being few, will rule for the time; +and when the few rule, that is oligarchy. Is it not? +Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies <!-- page +48--><a name="page48"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 48</span>are +in power in the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends +are in power, then it is democracy?”</p> +<p>“Socrates, you are right, for once. That is +precisely what I do say.”</p> +<h2><!-- page 49--><a name="page49"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +49</span>THE TUTOR’S EXPEDIENT</h2> +<p>“Come in” said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: +and two scholars came in. (He knew they were scholars, +because this was his hour for seeing scholars.) One was a +heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall hat. The +other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended +him for an attorney’s clerk; as, indeed, nature had.</p> +<p>“Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?” inquired the +Tutor. The young men bowed. “In what subjects, +may I ask? You, sir” (turning to the spruce youth) +“Mr.—I forget your name—eh? Oh, +thanks—is it Classics? History? Natural +Science, perhaps?”</p> +<p>“Oh no, sir; I hold a ‘Daily Thunderer’ +Scholarship.”</p> +<p>“Exactly: I remember now. You read all through +<i>Tit-Bits</i> for a whole year, and the ‘D. T.’ +pays you—£l,200, isn’t it? The task is a +little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still, +<i>Tit-Bits</i>—”</p> +<p><!-- page 50--><a name="page50"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +50</span>“It isn’t quite that, sir,” put in the +youth; “it was for the +‘Encyclop—’”</p> +<p>(“I <i>knew</i> it was dear at the price,” the +Tutor murmured.)</p> +<p>‘“—ædia Pananglica,’” +continued the scholar. “My Scholarship is for reading +that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases.”</p> +<p>“The Scholarship?” asked the Tutor, weakly.</p> +<p>“No,” said the scholar; “the +‘Encyclopædia Pananglica.’”</p> +<p>“Well,” the academic dignitary resumed, “and +what have you read? To prepare yourself for a university +career, I mean.”</p> +<p>“The ‘Encyc—’”</p> +<p>“Of course, of course; but anything else? I wish +to know so as to advise you with respect to the direction of your +studies. Have you, for instance, read any Homer?”</p> +<p>“Homer!” the youth replied—“Oh, yes, I +know about Homer. There is a picture of Homer, drawn from +life, and very well reproduced, among the illustrations of the +article ‘Education.’ There is one there of +Comenius, too. Homer and Comenius—”</p> +<p>“Were both educationists, I know,” said the Tutor: +“but not, properly speaking, in the same way. +However—you have not studied the father of <!-- page +51--><a name="page51"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +51</span>poetry in the original, it would appear. Any +Xenophon, perhaps? or Cæsar?”</p> +<p>“I don’t think I know much about Xenophon,” +replied the young man, “but I have a friend who failed in +Cæsar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said it was pretty +easy.”</p> +<p>“Do you know <i>any</i> Greek or Latin at +all?”</p> +<p>“Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told +it might be helpful for attaining the highest honours.”</p> +<p>“Exactly. You thought it might be helpful—of +course, of course. You were quite right—perfectly, +perfectly correct,” the Tutor murmured, with a faraway look +in his eyes. Then he collected himself, and turned to the +other aspirant. “And you, sir—pardon me, I +didn’t quite catch—eh? Oh, thanks!—what, +may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold <i>your</i> +Scholarship?”</p> +<p>“My education,” replied the heavy young man, +“was completed at the Jabez H. Brown University of +Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A. I am a recipient of a +Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right +Honourable Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist. No +doubt, Professor, you will have heard of him.”</p> +<p>“Ah! a Rhodes Scholar,” said the Tutor. <!-- +page 52--><a name="page52"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +52</span>“That is better—much better. You will, +no doubt, study the Classics. There are those (I am well +aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship +as an excessive attention to minutiæ: but personally, I +confess, I am no enemy even to a meticulous exactness, which +alone can save us from an incurious and slipshod rhetoric! . . . +And what, then, are the points of scholarship which it has been +your endeavour to elucidate? Have you followed in the steps +of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who died before he +could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the instances in +Greek literature, that γάρ is never the first word +of a sentence? Have you—”</p> +<p>“Pardon me, Professor,” put in the Rhodes +Scholar. “That ain’t my platform at all. +I may say, I don’t take any stock in literatoor.”</p> +<p>“Am I then to understand,” the Tutor asked, +“that you are <i>not</i> acquainted with the Greek and +Latin Classics?”</p> +<p>“Not considerable,” replied the American. +“In fact, not any.”</p> +<p>“And to what, then, have your studies been +directed?”</p> +<p>“Not to books, Professor. No, nor yet laboratories +and such. I was elected Scholar by the <!-- page 53--><a +name="page53"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 53</span>unanimous +suffrage of my class in Thessalonica, Maine, for Moral +Character. When it comes to Moral Character, you look at +me. That is just where I am on top every time.”</p> +<p>“Moral Character!” exclaimed the Tutor, +aghast. “Oh, dear me! I am afraid that +won’t do at all—here. Moral +Character—well, I hardly know how to put it—but the +fact is that if <i>that</i> is all that you have to rely upon, +you would be sent down within a year infallibly—Oh, +infallibly, I assure you! . . . But,” he continued, +“we must try to think of something for both of you +gentlemen. Could I not give you both a letter of +recommendation to my friend the Master of St. +Cuthbert’s? <i>There</i>, I know, they value very +highly both morality and the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ I am sure it would be just the place for +you both. Do let me write!”</p> +<p>“As the Master of Alfred’s sent Cecil Rhodes on to +Auriol?” suggested the spruce young man, innocently.</p> +<p>“As the Master of—why, no,” said the Tutor, +“I think that won’t do, after all. Really, I +believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface.” +Boniface had suffered severely from agricultural +depression. “Well, gentlemen—come to me again +two hours <!-- page 54--><a name="page54"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 54</span>hence, and we will try to think of +something for you. Good morning!”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Tutor was in a sad quandary. Paid as he was by +results fees, he could not afford to receive pupils who would +disgrace him in the Schools. Yet it had always been his +creed that a College must adapt itself to existing circumstances, +and be instinct with the Zeit Geist.</p> +<p>For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation.</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the +twin aspirants to academic honours. He regarded them with +the mien of one visibly relieved from a load of care. +“These papers, gentlemen,” he said, pointing to +certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table, +“relate to a project of which you have doubtless +heard—I refer to the extension of our Public Schools into +the remoter regions of the British Empire. They are +reprinted from Mr. Sargant’s admirable letter to the +<i>Times</i>, and the leading article on the subject. You +are acquainted with them—No? Then pray take the +papers: you will find them most instructive and agreeable reading +during the voyage.”</p> +<p><!-- page 55--><a name="page55"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +55</span>“The—the voyage?” exclaimed the Rhodes +Scholar.</p> +<p>“Certainly,” said the Tutor, “during the +voyage. During the long afternoons when you are steaming +over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay, or being propelled (by +friendly natives) down the rushing waters of +the—ah—Congo. What I am proposing is that you +two gentlemen should become members of our Branch Establishment +in Timbuctoo. You <i>must</i> have heard of it! When +schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it likely +that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not +take the lead in the van of progress? And when Eton, +Harrow, and Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to +themselves in every respect except that of mere locality, in +Asia, Africa, and Australasia, was the College of St. Boniface to +be a laggard? Assuredly not. Gentlemen, I commend you +to our Alma Mater beyond the seas.”</p> +<p>“But, Professor,” the Rhodes Scholar objected, +“I was sent here across the salt water dish to join the +College of St. Boniface. They were kind of sot upon that in +Thessalonica. I guess they will be disappointed, some, if I +ain’t made a professing member of St. Boniface.”</p> +<p>“But you will be, my dear sir—you will be!” +<!-- page 56--><a name="page56"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +56</span>cried the Tutor, with vehemence, “a member of St. +Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii Collegii apud +Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing. You +have doubtless read, in the course of your historical +investigations, how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is +Eton not a public school? Of course it is. Similarly, +in the Middle Ages a portion of the University broke off and +migrated to Stamford. Was it Oxford any the less because it +happened to be at Stamford? Not the least. The two +institutions—St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in +Timbuctoo—are precisely identical. When you gentlemen +in future years are competing for—and I trust, I am sure, +obtaining—positions of distinction and emolument in the +great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves as +Boniface Men. You can drop the ‘Apud +Timbuctooenses’ if you like: the omission will not be +considered fraudulent. But I see no reason why you +<i>should</i> drop it. Personally, I should glory in +it. Had I won a scholarship for Moral Character, I would go +to Timbuctoo to-morrow! There, it seems to me, is your +special sphere. In Oxford, Moral Character is so frequent +as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in Timbuctoo the possession +is precious in proportion to its rarity.”</p> +<p><!-- page 57--><a name="page57"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +57</span>“But have they got the Tone and the Tradition +there, sir?” asked the holder of a ‘Daily +Thunderer’ Scholarship. “That would be, for me, +very important. My family were especially +anxious—”</p> +<p>“Assuredly they have got the Tone and the +Tradition. <i>Coelum non animum mutant</i>—you have +met with that, probably, in the ‘Encyclopædia +Pananglica.’ Absolutely unimpaired, I assure +you. We take great pains about that. Just an +instance—the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester, just as +here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course +we couldn’t allow that. Imagine—a Visitor with +fifty-three wives, not to mention! It wouldn’t have +done at all: the Tone <i>must</i> have suffered. We are in +constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo +Branch: we are always being consulted. Only this morning we +had to deal rather severely with an undergraduate member of the +College—aboriginal, as many of them are—who insisted +on playing the tom-tom in prohibited hours. Of course, we +must back up the Dean, and in case of—emergency, we replace +him and compensate his relations.”</p> +<p>“You speak, sir,” said the student of the +Encyclopædia, “of a local King. I understood +that the College was on British territory.”</p> +<p><!-- page 58--><a name="page58"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +58</span>“The British Empire,” replied the Tutor, +“includes Hinterlands. This is a Hinterland. It +is consequently from time to time the duty of the local college +authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of +Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, +and Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally +erected. But the country is practically annexed. We +are—ah—suzerains.”</p> +<p>“I understand, Professor, from your observation relative +to the tom-tom,” put the American scholar, “that the +students of your College are subjected to the regular British +discipline? That would be kind of essential for me. +Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was particularly +anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine old +high-toned mediæval College rules. You have +regulations, I presume?”</p> +<p>“The regulations,” replied the Don, “are +framed (as exactly as possible in the circumstances) on the lines +with which we are familiar in Oxford. It has not been +advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in its +entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the +walls of St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say +within the Zariba) the strictest discipline prevails. <!-- +page 59--><a name="page59"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +59</span>Clothing is essential—if not worn, at least +carried in the hand—for attendance in Hall and at +lectures. Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious +objectors, if aborigines, may keep a private fetish in their +rooms. Cannibalism is only permitted if directly authorized +by the Dean, after a personal interview.”</p> +<p>This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion +wished further to know whether residence in a Colonial College +could be regarded as a step on the Educational Ladder. His +friends, he said, had impressed upon him that his function in +life was to climb the Educational Ladder.</p> +<p>“The ladder to which you refer,” explained the +Tutor, “can be scaled as well in Africa as in +England. In fact, better; there are distinctly greater +facilities. In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at +present) of any organized system of primary education in +Timbuctoo, secondary education has been obliged to modify some of +its standards. The University of Oxford, never backward in +the march of progress, is prepared to make the requisite +concessions; and, as a result, you will find that the highest +honours are attainable without any acquaintance with the ordinary +subjects of our curriculum. It is, I should say, the very +place for you. Remember, too, that the very largest +latitude is allowed—nay, encouraged—<!-- page 60--><a +name="page60"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 60</span>in the choice +of special subjects qualifying for the M.A. degree; and what a +field you will find! The habits of residents—indeed, +of some among your own fellow students—are most interesting +to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among the +flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most +delightful potentialities. I confess, I envy you. I +do not think I am saying too much if I assure you that this +University will be ready and willing to confer upon you, not only +the ordinary M.A. degree, but a Doctorate of Science or +Letters!</p> +<p>“Then,” continued the Tutor, “as to +recreations; <i>neque semper arcum tendit Apollo</i>—I beg +your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always be studying the +domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope. +Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting. +There is head-hunting, for instance—”</p> +<p>“Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, +Professor?” asked the American.</p> +<p>“Certainly not,” replied the Don, with +dignity. “That would not, under any circumstances, be +permitted. If it were the Dean, now—but, oh no, +certainly not the Head. What I refer to is the pursuit and +collection of decapitated human heads, belonging generally to +personal enemies of the <!-- page 61--><a name="page61"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 61</span>collector; it is a sport common in +Borneo, and among other interesting, if primitive, +nationalities. This pastime is, I understand, a favourite +one with some students of the college. It is practised, I +need hardly say, under the very strictest supervision; there must +be a certificate signed by the British Resident, and a special +written recommendation from the Director of the Craniological +Department of the Museum. Under such restriction abuse is, +of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf; and it +is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides +perhaps the finest natural golf links in the world.”</p> +<p>“Well, Professor,” said the American, “I +guess I will start. But how are we going to get right +there, now? On the cars?”</p> +<p>“By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open,” +the Tutor answered. “There will be a branch +line. At present, the main line is, as you are aware, +incomplete, and the branch is—well, in course of +construction. Passengers are conveyed by motor. Or, +if not by motor, by ox-waggon; trekking by the latter method is, +I believe, the safer way; both, however, are, I understand, most +commodious. I may explain to you that the present is a +particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you will +travel <!-- page 62--><a name="page62"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 62</span>in the company of the new Junior +Dean, whose society, I am sure, you will find delightful. +His predecessor, a personal friend of my own, succumbed, I grieve +to say, a few months ago—owing to the alleged inadequate +supply of beef-steaks at a ‘Torpid’ breakfast. . . . +Painful, but apparently inevitable. I need hardly say, the +perpetrators of this insult have been rusticated for a whole +term.”</p> +<p>“Is the Junior Dean a coloured person—a +nigger?” asked the Rhodes Scholar.</p> +<p>“<i>All</i> the College officials,” explained the +Don, “are, in the highest and best sense of the word, white +men. Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it is true—Mr. +Sargant’s scheme contemplated, you see, the election to +fellowships of persons of local distinction. But our +officials are, without exception, Oxford men. It would be +impossible, otherwise, to preserve the Tone and the +Tradition.”</p> +<p>“And now, gentlemen,” he continued, “I must +not keep you too long. Procrastination is the thief of +time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves Southampton +to-morrow. All expenses on the journey refunded by the +Timbuctoo Bursar, on application. Are your boxes +unpacked? No? Then all you have to do is to alter the +labels.”</p> +<p>“About the ‘Encyclopædia,’” said +the spruce <!-- page 63--><a name="page63"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 63</span>youth. “It is in three +packing cases—a bit ’eavy. Will carriage be +paid?”</p> +<p>“Oh certainly, certainly,” replied the +Tutor. “Of course, I <i>might</i> relax our +regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle—but no, no, I +am sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date—in +Timbuctoo. <i>Good</i> morning!”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the +“Itinerarium” of Nemesianus. Nemesianus, honest +man! did not know where Timbuctoo was. Nor, for the matter +of that, did the Tutor.</p> +<h2><!-- page 64--><a name="page64"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +64</span>THE END AND OBJECT—</h2> +<p>“It is always interesting,” said my friend, +Feedingspoon, “to consider the various stages of the +process by which knowledge is disseminated. An inscription +(we will say) or an important textual variation is discovered: it +is then misinterpreted to fit a preconceived theory; then it is +introduced into a cheap German edition, for the School-Use +explained. Subsequently, an English school-book is copied +from the German: the English commentary is imparted (by me) to +undergraduates, in the form of lectures; and the +undergraduates’ notes are presently submitted to an +examiner in the Schools, who marks them <i>a</i>—?, and +says they show evidence of some original research. By how +many degrees, do you suppose, is the examiner removed from the +truth?”</p> +<p>“It depends,” I said, “whether he be a D.D., +an M.A., or a D.Litt. But I do not understand the necessity +of the lecturer. Cannot your undergraduate read the English +book for himself?”</p> +<p><!-- page 65--><a name="page65"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +65</span>“No,” he replied, “he cannot. +There are, of course, exceptional persons. But the ordinary +man’s mind is so constructed that he is incapable of +comprehending that which is seen by the eyes unless it be also +heard by the ears. Moreover, when he is not safely shut up +in a lecture-room, he is almost always compelled to be either +eating, or playing football, or meeting his maternal uncle at the +station. Lastly, if the student could read for himself, +there would be no need of a lecturer: which is absurd.</p> +<p>“Such being the admitted theory of education,” +continued Feedingspoon, “I feel that I am necessary to the +machinery of the Universe. The position which I occupy is +at the same time one of some labour. This morning, for +instance, I rose late (having been occupied till past midnight in +reading to my pupils selections from the <i>Poetics</i> of +Aristotle, in order that they might sleep soundly and wake +refreshed): hence, I was unable to follow my usual practice, +which is, to call my alumni at 6.30, to accompany them in a walk +before breakfast, and map out the scheme of reading which they +are to follow until luncheon. I only trust that this +isolated omission of a plain duty may not wreck their +futures! As a result of my somnolence, I had but ten +minutes in which to prepare two lectures on <!-- page 66--><a +name="page66"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 66</span>subjects of +which I had previously been ignorant; but, thanks to Mr. +Gow’s <i>Handbook to School Classics</i>—a work with +which my pupils are unfamiliar because I have not yet told them +to read it—I succeeded in displaying an erudition which, in +the circumstances, was creditable. Since the conclusion of +my lectures, I have been employed in visiting the candidates whom +I am preparing for examination, and encouraging them to continue +their studies. Personal attention is indispensable to the +true educator. But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed +and embarrassed by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a +scholar of this College, that I should discontinue my daily +inspection of his reading, as he wishes to have time to do some +work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor, who wishes to +know if I do not think that a little more individual attention is +advisable in the case of Tomkins. . . .</p> +<p>“I must now,” he said, “ask you to excuse +me. The representatives of my College are about to play a +football match in the Parks: and although the game is one with +the rules of which I have never been able to familiarize myself, +and in which, between ourselves, I take no interest whatever, I +conceive that my absence from the crowd of spectators might <!-- +page 67--><a name="page67"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +67</span>well loosen that sympathy between myself and the junior +members of the College, without which they must infallibly meet +the fate of the man who reads his books for himself and neglects +the dictation of his Tutor. Moreover, I have to spend the +later part of the afternoon in reading the Cr--, I should say, +the admirable and scholarly version of Professor Jebb—to +three Commoners who are taking up Sophocles for Honour +Moderations.”</p> +<p>“Your day,” I said, “seems indeed to be +somewhat occupied. Let me at least hope that the work which +you are doing will win you the applause of the learned, and a +place among the Educationists of the century.”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>On leaving Feedingspoon, it happened that the first man whom I +met was Fadmonger, <i>the</i> Fadmonger, the one with a +Continental reputation. He had been ordered to play golf in +the morning, and was returning from the links. As we walked +together towards the North of Oxford, I was about to repeat to +him the substance of my conversation with Feedingspoon. But +on my mentioning the latter’s name, Fadmonger interposed, +and said that he really could not trust himself to speak on that +subject. He then discoursed upon it at great <!-- page +68--><a name="page68"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +68</span>length, using the most violent language about +Obscurantism, Packed Boards, the Tutorial Profession, Sacrifice +of Research to Examination, Frivolous Aims and Obsolete Methods, +and the like.</p> +<p>“What,” he cried indignantly, “are we to +think of a curriculum—so called—which includes the +<i>Republic</i> of Plato and excludes the <i>Onomasticon</i> of +Julius Pollux?”</p> +<p>“Assuredly,” I replied, “there can be only +one opinion about it.”</p> +<p>“Exactly,” he said; “you are one of the few +sensible men I know. Our methods, I can tell you, are +getting us into serious discredit abroad. I should just +like you to hear the things which are said about Literæ +Humaniores by Professor Jahaleel Q. Potsherds of Johns Hopkins, +and Doctor Grabenrauber of Weissnichtwo. They think very +little of this University at Johns Hopkins.”</p> +<p>“Indeed,” I said; “I am pained to hear +it.”</p> +<p>“Yes,” replied Fadmonger; “it worries me a +good deal. I have almost resolved to give up the rest of my +lectures for the Term, and go to the Riviera for a complete +change. . . .</p> +<p>“No,” he continued, after a pause, “there is +nothing to be hoped from the College Tutor. Obscurantist he +is, and obscurantist he will remain: <!-- page 69--><a +name="page69"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 69</span>he is our +great impediment to serious study—study, that is, of +anything except so-called classical texts. It is to the +young student that we must look for salvation. Do you know +young Frawde of my College? I have had most interesting +talks with him—a really able man, but of course quite +misunderstood by his tutors: able men always are.”</p> +<p>“He is, I suppose,” said I, “reading for a +Final Honour School.”</p> +<p>“Of course he is doing nothing of the kind,” +Fadmonger replied with some warmth. “In the present +degraded condition of Honour Greats it is quite unworthy of a +serious student. He is at present preparing to take a pass +degree: and after that he thinks of going abroad to devote +himself seriously to a course of Tymborychology. A most +interesting young man, with admirably sound ideas on the present +state of the Schools. . . .”</p> +<p style="text-align: center">* * * * *</p> +<p>It happens that I know Frawde: and when I next met him I +commented with some surprise on his new departure. Frawde +was quite candid, and said it had been necessary to do something +in order to patch up his much-ploughed character before +Collections. He had been plausible, and Fadmonger +credulous.</p> +<p><!-- page 70--><a name="page70"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +70</span>“And really, you know, the Fadder wasn’t +half a bad chap”—he had given Frawde a recommendation +to read in the Bodder—“and I am going there +too,” said the serious student, “as soon as I can +find out where it is: but nobody seems to know. After all, +lots of chaps go abroad after their degraggers: why +shouldn’t I have a spade and dig in Egypt or Mesopotamia or +somewhere, same as anybody else? Eh?”</p> +<p>And, upon my word, I really don’t see why he +shouldn’t.</p> +<h2><!-- page 71--><a name="page71"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +71</span>THE TORTURED TUTOR:<br /> +A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD</h2> +<p>“The question is,” said Pluto to the deceased +Tutor, “which of our penalties we can assign to you. +Something you must have, you know: it’s the rule of the +place.”</p> +<p>“Sorry to hear you say so,” replied the +Tutor. “I <i>had</i> hoped that perhaps I might be +allowed a little quiet to enjoy the pleasant warmth—my +doctor really sent me here as an alternative to Algiers—and +possibly throw in a little journalistic work which would +advertise you in the evening papers. You’re not known +enough up there.”</p> +<p>“Not known? Why, surely you yourself must often +have been recommended to—”</p> +<p>“Of course, of course,” the Tutor hastily +interrupted,—“but not by any one whose opinion or +advice I at all respected. Whereas if I might just have +leisure to look round and jot things down, now that I am here, I +could put you in touch with specialists who—”</p> +<p><!-- page 72--><a name="page72"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +72</span>“Now, look here,” said the Monarch, +“if you’re going to stay here at all, you must please +to remember that this isn’t a University. I simply +won’t have idlers loafing round wasting their own time and +demoralizing society with their lazy habits. Pardon my +abruptness” (he continued, more mildly), “but with +all the exclusiveness in the world I can’t prevent our +getting a little mixed now and then, and if people come here with +academic ideas I really couldn’t be responsible for order +and morality. We should be as Anglo-Indian as Olympus in no +time.”</p> +<p>“Very true! very true!” said the Shade. +“I quite see. Satan finds some mischief +still—eh? as I used to say when I was a Dean. Since +you really insist on it, I suppose there <i>had</i> better be +some trifling torture by way of occupation. Only look +here—it mustn’t be any of the things I used to do up +above. Quite absurd, you know, to go on reading the same +books you did at school—no, I mean, to be made to continue +on the same old lines I followed before I came up—down, I +should say. It’s so monotonous, and it isn’t +improving.”</p> +<p>“Well,” said Pluto, “we’ll see what +can be done, on that assumption. It does rather limit +possibilities, though, doesn’t it? You see I have to +<!-- page 73--><a name="page73"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +73</span>confess that, considering it’s the nineteenth +century, we are a little behind the times—no great variety +in the matter of punishments.”</p> +<p>“Why don’t you bring them up to date?” asked +the visitor.</p> +<p>“Practically,” he replied, “it’s a +question of expense. With funds, I could do much +more. Roasting over a slow fire, for instance, is good: +they have that in another place: but just think of the coal +bill! Then viva-voceing and vivisecting without +anæsthetics are of course admirable; but the cost of expert +labour involved would be ruinous. Result is, that nearly +all my penalties are self-acting and consequently simple in +design; and, on the whole, except in the case of +<i>blasés</i> people who come here with a too varied +experience, they answer tolerably well.”</p> +<p>“All right,” said the Tutor, “suggest an +occupation.”</p> +<p>“Let me see,” said the Ruler of the Shades, and he +pondered a few moments. “How would it be, now, if you +were to take a turn with our friend Sisyphus? He rolls a +big stone up a hill, and just as he thinks it’s going to +get to the top, down it comes again—most +disappointing. Quite inexpensive, and very healthy, +<i>I</i> should say, and really, <!-- page 74--><a +name="page74"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 74</span>as an +object-lesson in the force of gravity, not +uninstructive.”</p> +<p>“Won’t do at all,” replied the Tutor. +“In the Vacations I was always walking up hills and having +to come down before I got to the top. Then in the Term I +used to teach Logic to passmen; and really, if you +think—”</p> +<p>“Yes, yes,” Pluto agreed; “the occupations +would be practically identical. Of course, that won’t +suit you. Well, then, there’s Ixion, who goes round +on a wheel.”</p> +<p>“I’m a bicyclist myself,” objected the +Tutor.</p> +<p>“Are you? Pity, too, because Ixion says his +wheel’s old-fashioned; he wants a new one with pneumatic +tyres warranted puncturable, which shows that he is really +entering into the spirit of the thing. You might have had +his old one for a song, I’m sure. However, what do +you say to calling on those Danaid girls, and getting them to +teach you their little industry? There, again, you have +simplicity itself. Take a can with a hole in the bottom, go +on pouring water into it—”</p> +<p>“I thought I told you,” murmured the deceased, +wearily, “that I have followed the profession of +teaching.”</p> +<p>“Very true; I had forgotten. Don’t know what +<!-- page 75--><a name="page75"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +75</span>we can do to suit you, really! Perhaps you’d +like to imitate Theseus—<i>sedet aeternumque sedebit</i>, +as Virgil said. Astonishing how Virgil picked these details +up! There’s old Theseus, sitting like a hen. +They say he’s as tired of sitting as if he were a +rowing-man.”</p> +<p>“As an ex-member of the Board of the Faculty of +Arts—” began the Tutor.</p> +<p>“Ah, dear me!” replied Pluto. “Then +that won’t do either? Those Boards must be excellent +from my point of view. I have often wished I had one or two +down here. But I’m really afraid we’re getting +to the end of the list. And, you know, if we can’t +provide you with anything, back you’ll have to go. +<i>I</i> won’t keep you, eating your head off. But, +talk of eating! shall I put you up beside Prometheus, and ask his +eagle to do a little overtime work by taking a turn at your +liver? I am afraid we could hardly stand you a private +eagle all to yourself. It is said to be quite painful; I +really don’t think you can have gone through that, with all +your experience.”</p> +<p>“Oh yes I have,” returned the Tutor; “a long +course of Hall dinners has familiarized me with every possibility +in the way of liver trouble. The eagle business would be +the merest <i>crambe repetita</i>.”</p> +<p><!-- page 76--><a name="page76"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +76</span>“Bless the man!” cried Pluto, justly +provoked. “Very well; then you can’t stay here, +that’s all. I’ve given you all the alternatives +Hades has at its disposal, and you tell us you have been through +them all in your University! All I can say is, you had +better go back to it, and stay there.”</p> +<p>“The Bursar,” said the Tutor, “will not be +best pleased to see me again. He thinks he has got my +Fellowship, and is going to use it for the benefit of the College +farms. I can tell you he won’t like it one bit when I +reappear at the College Meeting.”</p> +<p>“The Bursar and I shall have plenty of time for an +explanation—later,” said Pluto.</p> +<h2><!-- page 77--><a name="page77"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +77</span>THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL <a name="citation77"></a><a +href="#footnote77" class="citation">[77]</a></h2> +<p>I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of +my friend John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this +town. Everybody knows his establishment. It does a +very large business indeed: you can get practically everything +there—coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate, biscuits, +steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of +every kind, in short. My old friend is tremendously proud +of his shop, which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict +honesty (and really for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly +honest) and attention to business principles. He has put a +deal of capital into it, and spares no expense in advertising; in +fact, he keeps a regular department for poetry, which is written +on the premises and circulated among customers and others, and +explains in the most beautiful language that the house in +Britannia Road is the place to go to for everything. <!-- +page 78--><a name="page78"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +78</span>John, who prides himself on his literary taste, +considers this to be the finest poetry ever written; and Mrs. +Bull reads it out to him in the evening before he has his regular +snooze after supper.</p> +<p>Everything was going on swimmingly until this unfortunate +Hooligan trouble began. I must explain to you that Mr. Bull +owns a great deal more property than the actual premises where he +transacts business. Somehow or other, in course of time he +has become the proprietor of bits and scraps all over the town +and suburbs—tenements, waste lands, eligible building +sites, warehouses, and what not—the whole making up what, +if it was put together, would be a very considerable +estate. How it all came into John Bull’s hands nobody +knows properly; indeed, I don’t think he does +himself. Some of it was bought, and bought pretty dear +too. Some of it was left to him. A good deal of it +he—one doesn’t like using the word, but +still—well, in fact, took; but, mind you, he always took +everything for its good, and for the ultimate benefit of society, +not for any selfish reasons; so that to call Mr. Bull a pirate, +as Dubois does who keeps the toy-shop over the way, is manifestly +absurd. Anyhow, it is a very fine property, and would be +bigger still if Jonathan C., a cousin of the family, hadn’t +<!-- page 79--><a name="page79"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +79</span>taken off a good slice which used to belong to John.</p> +<p>As I was saying, this property is a very large straggling +affair, most of it a long way off from the shop. Its owner +finds it very hard to look after every part; all the more so, +because this town has no regular police, and is therefore +continually troubled by gangs of roughs, who go about breaking +windows and even heads, and doing damage generally. They +are always giving a great deal of trouble to the Bull people; and +what makes it worse is that very often they are actually tenants +on the property, who ought to know better. One of these +Hooligan crowds lately made a dead set against poor John; it was +all the harder because to my personal knowledge he had shown +himself most kind and forgiving to various members of this +particular gang; and once before, when they came and broke his +windows, he refused to prosecute, and simply gave them five +shillings to drink Mrs. Bull’s health and not do it +again. That is the kind of man he is, sometimes. In +spite of this indulgent and charitable treatment, they came the +other day and made a raid into an outlying corner of his property +and did all sorts of damage; and not content with this, they +actually squatted there on land which was no more theirs <!-- +page 80--><a name="page80"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +80</span>than it is mine (I am thankful to say), where they +insulted and even assaulted innocent passers-by, and levied +blackmail on John Bull’s adjacent tenants, and, in short, +became the terror of the neighbourhood and a disgrace to +civilization. And when Mr. Bull’s watchman (I told +you there is no regular police force, and everybody has to look +after himself), when Thomas Atkins, I say, came with orders to +turn them out, they told him to go—I hardly like to say +where—and absolutely refused to stir; quite the contrary; +they hid themselves behind rubbish-heaps and hoardings and such +like, and threw things at Thomas; and when he tried to catch +them, they ran away and hid behind more hoardings, so that when +you thought they were in one place they were always somewhere +else, and the poor watchman got so knocked about with stones and +brickbats that the next morning, when he came round to the shop +to report progress, he had a black eye, and a cut head, and a +torn coat, and a nasty bruise on one of his legs. Mrs. Bull +had to patch up his coat and give him some arnica and +vaseline.</p> +<p>Poor Mr. Atkins! He is a most respectable man, and an +excellent watchman, as was his father before him. It is a +tradition of the Atkins family that they are as brave as lions, +and do not know what <!-- page 81--><a name="page81"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 81</span>fear is; but unfortunately they are +not always very clever, and Thomas is a little slow at learning, +and does not pick up new tricks readily. His father had a +tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois’ +watchman once, right in the middle of the public +street—thirty-six rounds or so they had of it—and +licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style; and that is +always Thomas’s way, and the only thing that he understands +properly; none of your underhand dodges like hiding behind places +and throwing brickbats when one isn’t looking. So +that the Hooligan ways of fighting were quite too much for him at +first. And although Mr. Bull spent a lot of money in buying +him a new watchman’s rattle and a very expensive +second-hand truncheon, nearly as good as the best kind, still it +was all no good, and Thomas couldn’t turn the invaders +out.</p> +<p>All this time you must not suppose that Mr. Bull’s +neighbours had nothing to say about the matter. On the +contrary, they were very much interested and, I am sorry to say, +pleased. Dubois the Frenchman, and Müller, the man who +keeps the World’s Cheap Emporium, and Alexis Ivanovitch, +the big cornfactor in the next street who is always maltreating +his workmen, were never tired of saying <!-- page 82--><a +name="page82"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 82</span>nasty things +about Mr. Bull and crowing over the mishaps of Mr. Atkins. +Everybody knows what a terrible quarrel there was some years ago +between Müller and Dubois, and how Müller went into the +toyshop and thrashed the Frenchman then and there, so that poor +Dubois had to go to bed for a week, and for a long time +afterwards used to go about vowing vengeance. But this +didn’t in the least prevent the two from fraternizing on +the common ground of enmity to John Bull. They would +meet—by accident, of course—just under his windows, +and then Müller would say, very loud, to Dubois, “Is +it not ridiculous, my friend, that this once apparently so mighty +Herr Bull and his watchman should again by the Hooliganish crowd +have been defeated?” Or perhaps, “This is what +comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no +one to protect them. How much better to have a small +compact business (though it’s not so small either, mind +you) like my Emporium, by a large number of properly trained +watchmen defended!” And Dubois would say,—so +that it annoyed the Bull household very much +indeed,—“Behold the fruits of being a pirate and a +robber. Conspuez M. Atkins! Justice for ever! +À bas les Juifs!” (he always says that now when he +is angry—<!-- page 83--><a name="page83"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 83</span>goodness only knows why). +Indeed Dubois got so excited that he actually thought of breaking +John’s windows, though on reflection he decided that he +wouldn’t do it just yet. And John was very cross with +Atkins and the shopboy, and even with Mrs. Bull and his son J. +Wellington Bull, and caused it to be generally known that he +would knock Dubois’s head off for sixpence if he got the +chance. Then Paddy Gilhooly, who is a tenant of the +Bulls’, in Hibernia Road—and a shocking bad tenant, +too, who never pays any rent when he can help it, and keeps his +premises in a disgraceful condition, with a lot of pigs and +poultry running about in the front parlour—this Paddy must +needs put his finger in the pie and turn against his own +landlord, so that whenever Mr. Atkins came along Hibernia Road +Paddy would put his head out of window and shout, +“Hooligans for iver! More power to th’ +inimy! Crunchy aboo!” and other similar observations, +of which no one took the least notice, because it was the way +with the Gilhooly family. Still, it was very ungrateful of +Paddy, after all John’s kindness to him; besides being +painful to Mr. Atkins, who is a near cousin of the Gilhoolys and +would not wish to be disgraced by the conduct of his +relations. I don’t know why it is, but somehow or +other Mr. <!-- page 84--><a name="page84"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 84</span>Bull has not the gift of making +himself generally popular. Time after time he has lent +Paddy money; and as for Müller and Dubois, if they want good +advice on the proper conduct of their business, they know where +to come for it: but they don’t seem to appreciate the +privilege. In short, if it wasn’t for that little +bankrupt wine merchant Themistocles Papageorgios, whom John saved +some time ago from the consequences of litigation with a Turkish +firm, I doubt if my poor friend has one sincere wellwisher among +all the townsmen.</p> +<p>However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to +change their tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull’s luck being +on the mend. Thomas Atkins did not make a very good start, +certainly; but as time went on he learnt a number of new tricks, +and the violent exercise which he had to take put him into +excellent training. Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls +showed a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, +Larry, to help Mr. Atkins. So, what with Thomas being, so +to speak, a new man, and Larry being very strong and active, and +the shopboy coming out to lend a hand when required, the three +between them began to turn the tables. They caught two or +three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and I +sincerely hope and trust that <!-- page 85--><a +name="page85"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 85</span>they will do +the same with all the rest very soon. This seems to have +produced a great change in the sentiments of Mr. Bull’s +fellow-citizens. Müller is not nearly so contemptuous +as he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has +remembered that he is going to have a big summer sale this year, +and that it would be very embarrassing, under the circumstances, +to be embroiled with an influential person like this brave M. +Bull, as he calls him now. Only Ivanovitch is still very +sulky and goes on using violent expressions. I am afraid +there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the +cornfactor—though goodness knows the town ought to be big +enough to hold both of them. But the fact is they have both +got mortgages on a china shop in the suburbs which is in a bad +way financially, and it makes them as jealous of each other as +possible.</p> +<p>Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; +and, on the whole, if things don’t get worse, Bull may +congratulate himself on having done pretty well so far. But +it has hit him rather hard. What with buying things for Mr. +Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and having had to put +up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the shopboy away from +his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of money, +one way and <!-- page 86--><a name="page86"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 86</span>another; and besides, as he is very +much afraid of this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if +the whole business of the shop were going to be put on a +different footing. For here is J. Wellington Bull, who was +to have helped behind the counter, going out now to do +watchman’s duty with the others; and as likely as not the +old man himself will have to take to patrolling his property +instead of looking after his customers; so that, in all +probability, there will be no one but Mrs. B. to see after the +shop. And, as John said to me the other day, these are no +times for leaving a business to be managed by old women.</p> +<p>He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing.</p> +<h2><!-- page 87--><a name="page87"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +87</span>THE NATION IN ARMS</h2> +<p class="poetry">This is the tale that is told of an almost +universally respected Minister,<br /> +Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, +and their plans ambitious and sinister,<br /> +For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from +continual warlike alarms,<br /> +Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very +good one too) of a Nation in Arms!<br /> +Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot +ardour—<br /> +(This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or +Walt Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),—<br +/> +He assured his crowded audience that, while everyone must +deprecate a horrid, militant, Jingoist attitude,<br /> +Not to serve one’s country—at least on Saturday +afternoons—was the very blackest ingratitude:<br /> +<!-- page 88--><a name="page88"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +88</span>Death on the battlefield,—or at least the expense +of buying a uniform,—was the patriots’ chiefest +glory;<br /> +Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) +pro patria mori!<br /> +Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it +humble cot or family mansion,<br /> +Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and +Imperial Expansion:<br /> +That was the habit of mind which a Briton’s primary duty to +stifle was,<br /> +Seeing that the country’s salvation lay rather with the +intelligent, spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who +didn’t care how obsolete the pattern of his rifle was:<br +/> +Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he +did not mean to acquire it,<br /> +For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by +display of a combative spirit;<br /> +Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of +international conditions he<br /> +Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with +Guaranteed Efficiency,—<br /> +Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a +properly peaceful principle<br /> +Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that <!-- page 89--><a +name="page89"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 89</span>won’t +please the mere purist, but I’m sorry to say it’s the +only available one) wholly, I say, and completely invincible!<br +/> +This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with +cut-and-dried details to fetter a<br /> +Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England +Expects—et cetera.<br /> +After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed +by about two hundred reporters,<br /> +The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and +continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three +quarters.<br /> +The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that +nothing would well surpass it<br /> +That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National Asset:<br +/> +No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed +by the charms<br /> +Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms:<br /> +To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear +or sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre,<br /> +Was a duty—if not for oneself, yet incumbent without any +shadow of doubt on one’s neighbour;<br /> +Still there were some who might possibly urge that <!-- page +90--><a name="page90"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 90</span>the +world was at peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,— +<br /> +Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to +sacrifice his Saturday half-holiday might legitimately inquire +what he was likely to get for it;<br /> +So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this +is, to be sure!) that the Minister’s scheme was replete +with attraction,<br /> +They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of +encouraging a spirit of Militarism and a number of other +excellent reasons) before putting his plan into action.<br /> +Then the Continental Potentates—and if I venture at all to +allude to them, it is<br /> +Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the +most regrettable extremities:<br /> +This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of +peace is,<br /> +And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use +of the figure Aposiopesis—<br /> +However—the net result was that a time arrived when Consols +went down to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out +of work and professional footballers docked of their salary,<br +/> +<!-- page 91--><a name="page91"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +91</span>And several League matches had to be played at a +lamentable financial loss in the absence of the usual gallery!<br +/> +Then, some time after that (it’s really impossible to say +what happened in between) when business at last had resumed its +usual working,<br /> +And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully +realistic manœuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and +Dorking,—<br /> +Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is +recorded in fable<br /> +That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered +from exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of +the stable;<br /> +And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, +football grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers,<br /> +Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Chasseurs, Bashi-Bazouks, or +Junkers;<br /> +And I don’t think they talked very big about Nations in +Arms, or inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring +motto,<br /> +But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite +well—in spite of the dangers of Militarism—for the +plain and simple reason that they’d got to!</p> +<h2><!-- page 92--><a name="page92"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +92</span>THE INCUBUS</h2> +<p class="poetry">Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme!<br /> + Whereon with eloquence less deep than full,<br /> +Still maundering on in slow continuous stream,<br /> + All can expatiate, and all be dull:<br /> +Bane of the mind and topic of debate<br /> + That drugs the reader to a restless doze,<br /> +Thou that with soul-annihilating weight<br /> + Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those<br /> +Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose:</p> +<p class="poetry">Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse<br /> + (Seeking some subject for my painful pen)<br /> +The <i>Times</i>, the <i>Standard</i>, and the <i>Daily +News</i>,<br /> + No other topic floats into my ken<br /> +Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates<br /> + Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban<br /> +Of furious Bishops excommunicates<br /> + Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man!<br /> +Thinks may perhaps appease th’ unwilling Anglican.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 93--><a name="page93"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 93</span>Lo! at Society’s convivial +board<br /> + (Whereat I do occasionally sit,<br /> +In hope to bear within my memory stored<br /> + Some echo thence of someone else’s wit),<br /> +Or e’er the soup hath yielded to the fish,<br /> + A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze:<br /> +Lucullus’ self would shun th’ untasted dish<br /> + When lovely woman whispers, “Tell me, +please,<br /> +What <i>are</i> Denominational Facilities?”</p> +<p class="poetry">From scenes like these my Muse would fain +withdraw:<br /> + To Taff’s still Valley be my footsteps led,<br +/> +Where happy Unions ’neath the shield of Law<br /> + Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg’s +head:<br /> +In those calm shades my desultory oat<br /> + Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill,<br /> +Of Man ennobled by a Single Vote,—<br /> + In short, I’ll sing of anything you will,<br +/> +Except of thee alone, O Education Bill!</p> +<h2><!-- page 94--><a name="page94"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +94</span>THE WORKING MAN<br /> +(After seeing his Picture in the Press)</h2> +<p class="poetry">Working Man! whose psychic beauty<br /> + (Unattainable by me)<br /> +Still it is my pleasing duty<br /> + Painted by your friends to see,—<br /> +You, whose virtues ne’er can bore us,<br /> + Daily through their list we scan,<br /> +Let me swell th’ admiring chorus,<br /> + Let me hymn the Working Man!</p> +<p class="poetry">You whose Leaders, highly moral,<br /> + Always shocked by war’s alarms,<br /> +Could not in their country’s quarrel<br /> + Contemplate the use of arms,<br /> +Yet, should strikes provide occasion,<br /> + Then by higher promptings led<br /> +Do with more than moral suasion<br /> + Break the erring Blackleg’s head:—</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 95--><a name="page95"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 95</span>You, whose intellectual state is<br +/> + Such that you are aiming at<br /> +Getting all your culture gratis<br /> + (Not that you’re alone in that),—<br /> +Always with the strict injunction<br /> + That whate’er be false or true<br /> +Every teacher’s simple function<br /> + Is to teach what pleases you:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Not to gain by learned labour<br /> + Any sordid <i>quid pro quo</i>:<br /> +Not to rise above your neighbour<br /> + (Comrades ne’er are treated so):<br /> +Not to change your lowly station,<br /> + Not for rank and not for pelf,<br /> +Academic education<br /> + Only, only for itself,—</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet in whose commercial dealings<br /> + Vainly we attempt to find<br /> +Those disinterested feelings<br /> + Which adorn the Student’s mind,—<br /> +Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers!<br /> + There your dream of happiness<br /> +Is (like mine, and several others’)<br /> + Earning more for working less!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 96--><a name="page96"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 96</span>’Tis not that I blame your +getting<br /> + Anything you think you can:<br /> +’Tisn’t that which I’m regretting,<br /> + Noble British Working Man!<br /> +No—although the facts I mention<br /> + Sometimes wake a mild surprise—<br /> +Still—the truth’s beyond contention—<br /> + You are good, and great, and wise:</p> +<p class="poetry">Swell my taxes: stint my fuel:<br /> + Last, to close the painful scene,<br /> +Send me, rather just than cruel,<br /> + Send me to the guillotine:<br /> +Ere the knife bisects my spinal<br /> + Cord, and ends my vital span,<br /> +This shall be my utterance final,<br /> + <i>Bless</i> the British Working Man!</p> +<h2><!-- page 97--><a name="page97"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +97</span>CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM</h2> +<p class="poetry">They tell me the Millennium’s come<br /> + (And I should be extremely glad<br /> +Could I but feel assured, like some,<br /> + It had):<br /> +They tell me of a bright To Be<br /> + When, freed from chains that tyrants forge<br /> +By the Right Honourable D.<br /> + Lloyd George,<br /> +We shall by penalties persuade<br /> + The idle unrepentant Great<br /> +To serve (inadequately paid)<br /> + The State,—<br /> +All working for the general good,<br /> + While painful guillotines confront<br /> +The individual who could<br /> + And won’t:<br /> +But horny-handed sons of toil,<br /> + Who now purvey our meats and drinks,<br /> +Our gardens devastate, and spoil<br /> + Our sinks,<br /> +<!-- page 98--><a name="page98"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +98</span>Shall seldom condescend to take<br /> + That inconsiderable sum<br /> +For which they daily butch, and bake,<br /> + And plumb;<br /> +Such humble votaries of trade<br /> + No more shall follow arts like these;<br /> +Since most of them will then be made<br /> + M.P.s!</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">And can I then (with some surprise<br /> + You ask) possess my tranquil soul,<br /> +And view with calm indifferent eyes<br /> + The Poll,<br /> +While partisans, in raucous tones,<br /> + With doleful wail or joyful shout<br /> +Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones<br /> + Is out?<br /> +I can: I do: the reason’s plain:<br /> + That blissful day which prophets paint<br /> +Perhaps may come: perhaps again<br /> + It mayn’t:<br /> +And ere these ages blest begin<br /> + (For Rome, I’ve heard historians say,<br /> +Was only partly finished in<br /> + A day)<br /> +<!-- page 99--><a name="page99"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +99</span>In men of sentiments sublime<br /> + ’Tis possible we yet may trace<br /> +The influence of mellowing Time<br /> + And PLACE:—<br /> +O who can tell? Ere Labour rouse<br /> + Its ever-multiplying hordes<br /> +To mend or end th’ obstructive House<br /> + Of Lords,<br /> +And bid aristocrats begone,<br /> + And their hereditary pelf<br /> +Bestow with generous hand upon<br /> + Itself—<br /> +Why, Mr. George,—his threats forgot<br /> + Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,—<br +/> +Himself may be, as like as not,<br /> + A Peer!</p> +<h2><!-- page 100--><a name="page100"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 100</span>FORECAST</h2> +<p class="poetry">Tomkins! when revolving lustres<br /> + Thin those shining locks that now<br /> +Wreathe their hyacinthine clusters<br /> + Round your intellectual brow,—<br /> +You who in your nobler station<br /> + Still are kind enough to seek<br /> +Our political salvation<br /> + Rather more than once a week,—</p> +<p class="poetry">Think you, will your rightful value<br /> + Still be duly understood?<br /> +Will the British Public hail you<br /> + Always great and always good?<br /> +When the Peoples fight for Freedom<br /> + And the tyrant’s rage confront,<br /> +Will they call for you to lead ’em?<br /> + —No, my friend: I fear they won’t.</p> +<p class="poetry">Soon or late are Truth’s apostles<br /> + Laid upon their destined shelf;<br /> +You, who talk of Ancient Fossils,<br /> + Tomkins! will be one yourself:<br /> +<!-- page 101--><a name="page101"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +101</span>Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your<br /> + Ancient crusted ways will view,<br /> +Wondering oft with smile superior<br /> + What’s the use of Things like you!</p> +<p class="poetry">All the schemes that win you glory,<br /> + Meant to mend our mortal mess—<br /> +These will simply brand you Tory,<br /> + Nothing more and nothing less:<br /> +You who waked the world from slumber,<br /> + You, who shone in Progress’ van,<br /> +You’ll be then a mere Back Number,<br /> + Obsolete as good Queen Anne!</p> +<p class="poetry">You I see with zeal excessive<br /> + Dying then for causes, which<br /> +Now (forsooth) you call Progressive,<br /> + In reaction’s Final Ditch:<br /> +By Conservatives in caucus<br /> + (Ardent youth, reflect on that!)<br /> +Sent to stem the horrid raucous<br /> + Clamours of the Democrat . . .</p> +<p class="poetry">No: I do not wish to quarrel<br /> + With your high exalted sense;<br /> +No: there isn’t any moral—<br /> + Not of any consequence:<br /> +<!-- page 102--><a name="page102"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +102</span>Only, ’neath your exhortations<br /> + Passive while we’re doomed to sit,<br /> +Themes like these conduce to patience,—<br /> + And I thought I’d mention it.</p> +<h2><!-- page 103--><a name="page103"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 103</span>PAGEANTS</h2> +<p class="poetry">My Tityrus! and is’t a fact<br /> + (As wondrous facts there are)<br /> +That History’s scenes thou wouldst enact<br /> + Beside the banks of Cher?<br /> +Wilt thou for pomps like these desert<br /> + Thy calm and cloistered lair,<br /> +Not quite so young as once thou wert,<br /> + Nor (pardon me) so fair?</p> +<p class="poetry">We saw thee stalk in youthful prime<br /> + With high Proctorial mien:<br /> +We saw the majesty sublime<br /> + Which marked the Junior Dean;<br /> +O pundit grave! O sage M.A.!<br /> + Say in what happy part<br /> +Thou wilt before the crowd display<br /> + Thy histrionic art!</p> +<p class="poetry">With cranium bald, which ne’er again<br +/> + Will need the barber’s shear,<br /> +Wilt thou present in Charles his train<br /> + Some long-locked Cavalier?<br /> +<!-- page 104--><a name="page104"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +104</span>A sober Don for all to see<br /> + Who once didst walk abroad,<br /> +Wilt now an Ancient Briton be<br /> + And painted blue with woad?</p> +<p class="poetry">Me from such scenes afar remove,<br /> + And hide my shuddering head<br /> +Where Nature doth in field and grove<br /> + Her fairer pageant spread:<br /> +There will I meditating lie<br /> + ’Mid summer’s calm delights,—<br +/> +But thou wilt walk adown the High<br /> + My Tityrus,—in Tights. . . .</p> +<h2><!-- page 105--><a name="page105"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 105</span>RULES FOR FICTION</h2> +<p class="poetry">A Novelist, whose magic art,<br /> +Had plumbed (’twas said) the human heart,<br /> +Whom for the penetrative ken<br /> +Wherewith he probed the souls of men<br /> +The Public and the Public’s wife<br /> +Declared synonymous with Life,—<br /> +Sat idle, being much perplexed<br /> +What Attitude to study next,<br /> +Because he would not wholly tell<br /> +Which Pose was likeliest to sell.<br /> +To him the Muse: “Why seek afar<br /> +For things that on the threshold are?<br /> +Why thus evolve with care and pain<br /> +From your imaginative brain?<br /> +Put Artifice upon the shelf,—<br /> +Take pen and ink, and draw—Yourself!”<br /> +The author heard: he took the hint:<br /> +He photographed himself in print.<br /> +His very inmost self he drew. . . .<br /> +The critics said, “<i>This</i> Will Not Do.<br /> +<!-- page 106--><a name="page106"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +106</span>No more we recognize the art<br /> +Which used to plumb the human heart,—<br /> +This suffers from the patent vice<br /> +Of being not Art but Artifice.<br /> +’Tis deeply with the fault imbued<br /> +Of Inverisimilitude:<br /> +He’s written out; his skill’s forgot:<br /> +He only writes to Boil the Pot!<br /> +It is not true; it will not wash;<br /> +’Tis mere imaginative Bosh;<br /> +And if he can’t” (they told him flat)<br /> +“Get nearer to the Life than that,<br /> +He will not earn the Public’s pelf!”</p> +<p class="poetry">This happens when you draw Yourself.<br /> +Or—I should say—it happens when<br /> +Such portraits are essayed by Men:<br /> +For presently a Lady came<br /> +And did substantially the same.<br /> +(Let everyone peruse this sequel<br /> +Who dreams that Man is Woman’s equal),—<br /> +She with a hand divinely free<br /> +Drew what she thought herself to be:<br /> +It did not much resemble Her<br /> +In moral strength or mental stature—<br /> +Yet did the critics all aver<br /> +It simply teemed with Human Nature!</p> +<h2><!-- page 107--><a name="page107"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 107</span>ART AND LETTERS</h2> +<p class="poetry">In that dim and distant æon<br /> +Known as Ante-Mycenæan,<br /> +When the proud Pelasgian still<br /> +Bounded on his native hill,<br /> +And the shy Iberian dwelt<br /> +Undisturbed by conquering Celt,<br /> +Ere from out their Aryan home<br /> +Came the Lords of Greece and Rome,<br /> +Somewhere in those ancient spots<br /> +Lived a man who painted Pots—<br /> +Painted with an art defective,<br /> +Quite devoid of all perspective,<br /> +Very crude, and causing doubt<br /> +When you tried to make them out,<br /> +Men (at least they looked like that),<br /> +Beasts that might be dog or cat,<br /> +Pictures blue and pictures red,<br /> +All that came into his head:<br /> +Not that any tale he meant<br /> +On the Pots to represent:<br /> +<!-- page 108--><a name="page108"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +108</span>Simply ’twas to make them smart,<br /> +Simply Decorative Art.<br /> +So the seasons onward hied,<br /> +And the Painter-person died—<br /> +But the Pot whereon he drew<br /> +Still survived as good as new:<br /> +Painters come and painters go,<br /> +Art remains <i>in statu quo</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">When a thousand years (perhaps)<br /> +Had proceeded to elapse,<br /> +Out of Time’s primeval mist<br /> +Came an Ætiologist;<br /> +He by shrewd and subtle guess<br /> +Wrote Descriptive Letterpress,<br /> +Setting forth the various causes<br /> +For the drawings on the vases,<br /> +All the motives, all the plots<br /> +Of the painter of the pots,<br /> +Entertained the nations with<br /> +Fable, Saga, Solar Myth,<br /> +Based upon ingenious shots<br /> +At the Purpose of the Pots,<br /> +Showing ages subsequent<br /> +What the painter really meant<br /> +(Which, of course, the painter hadn’t;<br /> +<!-- page 109--><a name="page109"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +109</span>He’d have been extremely saddened<br /> +Had he seen his meanings missed<br /> +By the Ætiologist).</p> +<p class="poetry">Next arrives the Prone to Err<br /> +Very ancient Chronicler,<br /> +All that mythologic lore<br /> +Swallowing whole and wanting more,<br /> +Crediting what wholly lacked<br /> +All similitude of Fact,<br /> +Building on this wondrous basis<br /> +All we know of early races;<br /> +So the Past as seen by him<br /> +Furnished from its chambers dim<br /> +Hypothetical foundations<br /> +Whence succeeding generations<br /> +Built, as on a basis sure,<br /> +Branches three of Literature,<br /> +Social Systems four (or five),<br /> +Two Religions Primitive;<br /> +So that one may truly say<br /> +(Speaking in a general way)<br /> +All the facts and all the knowledge<br /> +Taught in School and taught in College,<br /> +All the books the printer prints—<br /> +Everything that’s happened since—<br /> +<!-- page 110--><a name="page110"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +110</span>Feels the influence of what<br /> +Once was drawn upon that Pot,<br /> +Plus the curious mental twist<br /> +Of that Ætiologist!</p> +<p class="poetry">But the Pot that caused the trouble<br /> +Lay entombed in earth and rubble,<br /> +Left about in various places,<br /> +In the way that early races—<br /> +Hittites, Greeks, or Hottentots—<br /> +Used to leave important Pots;<br /> +Till at length, to close the list,<br /> +Came an Archæologist,<br /> +Came and dug with care and pain,<br /> +Came and found the Pot again:<br /> +Dug and delved with spade and shovel,<br /> +Made a version wholly novel<br /> +Of the Potman’s old design<br /> +(Others none were genuine).<br /> +Pots were in a special sense<br /> +<i>Echt-Historisch</i> Documents:<br /> +All who Error hope to stem<br /> +Must begin by studying them;<br /> +So the Public (which, he said,<br /> +Had been grievously misled)<br /> +Must in all things freshly start<br /> +<!-- page 111--><a name="page111"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +111</span>From his views of Ancient Art.<br /> +All (the learned man proceeded)<br /> +Otherwise who thought than he did,<br /> +Showed a stupid, base, untrue,<br /> +Obscurantist point of view;<br /> +Men like these (the sage would say)<br /> +Should be wholly swept away;<br /> +They, and eke the faults prodigious<br /> +Which beset their creeds religious,<br /> +Render totally impure<br /> +All their so-called Literature,<br /> +Lastly, sap to its foundation<br /> +All their boasted education,—<br /> +Just because they’ve quite forgot<br /> +What was meant, and what was not,<br /> +By the Painter of the Pot!</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">Pots are long and life is fleeting;<br /> +Artists, when their subjects treating,<br /> +Should be very, very far<br /> +Carefuller than now they are.</p> +<h2><!-- page 112--><a name="page112"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 112</span>THE NOVEL</h2> +<p class="poetry">When by efforts literary you might scale the +summits airy<br /> + Which the eminent in fiction are ascending every +day,<br /> +Why obscurely crawl and grovel?—I will write (I said) a +Novel!<br /> + So I started and I planned it in the ordinary +way.</p> +<p class="poetry">I’d a Heroine—a creature of +resplendent form and feature,<br /> + With a spell in every motion and a charm in every +look:<br /> +I’d a Villain—worse than Nero,—I’d a most +superior Hero:<br /> + And the host of minor persons which is needed in a +book:</p> +<p class="poetry">Each was drawn from observation: yet was each a +pure creation<br /> + Which revealed at once the genius of originating +mind:<br /> +<!-- page 113--><a name="page113"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +113</span>Not a man and not a woman but combined the Broadly +Human<br /> + With a something quite peculiar of an interesting +kind:</p> +<p class="poetry">What a wealth of meaning inner in the things +they said at dinner!<br /> + How their conversation sparkled (like the ripples on +the deep),<br /> +Half disclosing, half concealing a Profundity of Feeling<br /> + Which would move the gay to laughter and incite the +grave to weep!</p> +<p class="poetry">There they stood in grace and vigour, each +imaginary figure,<br /> + Each a masterpiece of drawing for the world to +wonder at:<br /> +There was really nothing more I had to find but just the +story,<br /> + Nothing more, but just the story—but I +couldn’t think of that.</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet (I cried), in other writers, how the lovers +and the fighters<br /> + Are conducted through the mazes of a complicated +plan,—<br /> +<!-- page 114--><a name="page114"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +114</span>How the incidents are planted just precisely where +they’re wanted—<br /> + How the man invites the moment, and the moment finds +the man!</p> +<p class="poetry">How a Barrie or a Kipling guides the maiden and +the stripling<br /> + Till they’re ultimately landed in the +matrimonial state,—<br /> +And they die, or else they marry (in a Kipling or a Barrie)<br /> + Just as if the thing was ordered by unalterable +Fate,—</p> +<p class="poetry">While with me, alas! to balance my innumerable +talents,<br /> + There’s a fatal imperfection and a melancholy +blot:<br /> +All the forms of my creating stand continually waiting<br /> + For a charitable person to provide them with a +Plot!</p> +<p class="poetry">Still I put the endless query why I wander lone +and dreary<br /> + (Barred from Eden like the Peri) minus fame and +minus fee,<br /> +<!-- page 115--><a name="page115"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +115</span>Why the idols of the masses have an entrée to +Parnassus,<br /> + While a want of mere invention is an obstacle to +me!</p> +<h2><!-- page 116--><a name="page116"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 116</span>FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD</h2> +<p class="poetry">Arise, my <i>Muse</i>, and ply th’ +extended Wing!<br /> +It is of Language that I mean to sing.<br /> +Thou mighty Medium, potent to convey<br /> +The clearest Notions in the darkest Way,<br /> +Diffus’d by thee, what Depth of verbal Mist<br /> +Veils now the Realist, now th’ Idealist!<br /> +Our mental Processes more complex grow<br /> +Than those our Sires were privileged to know.<br /> +In Ages old, ere Time Instruction brought,<br /> +A Thought or Thing was but a Thing or Thought:<br /> +Such simple Names are now forever gone—<br /> +A Concept this, that a Noümenon:<br /> +As <i>Cambria’s</i> Sons their Pride of Race increase<br /> +By joining <i>Ap</i> to <i>Evan</i>, <i>Jones</i>, or +<i>Rees</i>,<br /> +A prouder Halo decks the Sage’s Brow,<br /> +Perceptive once, he’s Apperceptive now!<br /> +Here sits Mentality (that erst was Mind),<br /> +By correlated Entities defin’d:<br /> +Here Monads lone Duality express<br /> +In bright Immediacy of Consciousness:<br /> +<!-- page 117--><a name="page117"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +117</span>O who shall say what Obstacles deter<br /> +The Youth who’d fain commence Philosopher!<br /> +The painful Public with bewilder’d Brain<br /> +For Metaphysic pants, but pants in vain:<br /> +Too hard the Names, too weighty far the Load:<br /> +Language forbids, and <i>Br-dl-y</i> blocks the Road.<br /> +From Themes like these I willingly depart,<br /> +And pass (discursive) to the Realms of Art.<br /> +Ye <i>Muses</i> nine! what Phrases ye employ,<br /> +What wondrous Terms t’ express æsthetic Joy!<br /> +As once in Years ere <i>Babel’s</i> Turrets rose<br /> +Contented Nations talk’d the self-same Prose:<br /> +As early <i>Christians</i> in the Days of Yore<br /> +Took what they wanted from a common Store:<br /> +So different Arts th’ astonished Reader sees<br /> +Pool all their Terms, then choose whate’er they please.<br +/> +’Mid critick Crews (where Intellect abounds)<br /> +Sound sings in Colours, Colours shine in Sounds:<br /> +When mimick Groves <i>Apelles</i> decks with green,<br /> +Or <i>Zeuxis</i> limns the vespertinal Scene,<br /> +<i>Staccato Tints</i> delight th’ auscultant Eye<br /> +And soft <i>Andantes</i> paint the conscious Sky:<br /> +Nor less, when Musick holds the list’ning Throng,<br /> +How crisply lucent glows th’ entrancing Song!<br /> +Each loud <i>Sonata</i> boasts its lively Hue,<br /> +And <i>Fugues</i> are red, and <i>Symphonies</i> are blue.<br /> +<!-- page 118--><a name="page118"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +118</span>Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac’d,<br /> +Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste!<br /> +Yet such th’ Effect on merely human Wit,<br /> +That <i>Esperanto</i> is a Joke to it.</p> +<p class="poetry">Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid!<br /> +Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade!<br /> +I see Democracy—an ardent Band<br /> +Who fain would read yet wish to understand—<br /> +Compell’d that Goal in alien Tongues to seek,<br /> +Fly for Relief to <i>Necessary Greek</i>,<br /> +Claim as their Right (advised by <i>Mr. Snow</i>)<br /> +The sweet Simplicity of ὁ ἡ τό,—<br /> +While Dons con English till they’re pale and lean,<br /> +And Candidates in <i>Mods</i> do English for Unseen!</p> +<h2><!-- page 119--><a name="page119"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 119</span>THE PUPILS’ POINT OF VIEW</h2> +<p class="poetry">Relate, my Muse, the fame of him<br /> + Whose calling and peculiar mission<br /> +It was to wage with courage grim<br /> + A battle ’gainst effete Tradition!<br /> +When Movements moved, with holy zest<br /> + He scaled the breach and led the stormers,—<br +/> +And was among the first and best<br /> + Of Educational Reformers.</p> +<p class="poetry">He saw the Boy at Public Schools<br /> + Regard his books with fear and loathing,<br /> +From Latin’s arbitrary rules<br /> + Deriving practically nothing:—<br /> +He said,—“O bounding human Boys,<br /> + Of all the fare whereon you batten,<br /> +What chiefly mars your simple joys?”<br /> + With one accord they answered +“Latin!”</p> +<p class="poetry">“Exactly so,” th’ Inquirer +cried,<br /> + “This is the lore which cramps and stunts +us;<br /> +O how can pedagogues abide<br /> + A course that makes their pupils dunces?<br /> +<!-- page 120--><a name="page120"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +120</span>Since with the rules of Latin Prose<br /> + They can’t be brought to yield compliance,<br +/> +This Fact conclusively it shows—<br /> + They’ve all a natural bent for +Science!”</p> +<p class="poetry">They sought for Scientific Truth,<br /> + And pedagogues with books and birches<br /> +Guided the faltering steps of Youth<br /> + In biological researches:<br /> +The infant in his nurse’s care<br /> + In Science’ terms was taught to stammer:<br /> +They practised vivisection where<br /> + They used to cut their Latin grammar;</p> +<p class="poetry">’Twas all in vain—the Human Boy<br +/> + Remained unalterably chilly:<br /> +Still less than Virgil’s tale of Troy<br /> + He liked compulsory bacilli!<br /> +Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:—<br /> + “We’ll try,” he said, “a +course of Spelling” . . .<br /> +But O, the way they hated that<br /> + Quite overcomes my power of telling!</p> +<p class="poetry">“There must be ways,” the good man +said,<br /> + “(Though hitherto perhaps we’ve missed +’em)<br /> +Of putting things within the head:<br /> + We’ve something wrong about the +System:”<br /> +<!-- page 121--><a name="page121"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +121</span>And musing on the sacred flame<br /> + Of Genius, and the cause that hid it,<br /> +He unto this conclusion came—<br /> + <span class="smcap">Compulsion</span> was the thing +that did it.</p> +<p class="poetry">“Within the Boy’s aspiring brain<br +/> + For Study still there lies a craving,<br /> +And what is won against the grain<br /> + Is never really worth the having;<br /> +This boasted Categorical<br /> + Imperative is clearly vicious,—<br /> +Pastors and masters, one and all,<br /> + Must ascertain their pupils’ +wishes!”</p> +<p class="poetry">And now those simple human Boys,—<br /> + All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,—<br /> +No pedagogues with idle noise<br /> + Impede upon the path of Learning:—<br /> +Released from books and teachers both,<br /> + No intellectual pastures feed ’em;<br /> +And, if they lose in mental growth,<br /> + Think how they gain in moral freedom!</p> +<h2><!-- page 122--><a name="page122"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 122</span>HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC +BUSINESS</h2> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of a Cheerful Hope</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Whene’er you do to Meetings go, as many +such there be<br /> +(And few and far those persons are who home return to tea),<br /> +Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your +way—<br /> +The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of an Exordium</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Consult your hearers’ happiness, and +state for their relief<br /> +That you’ll avoid prolixity and study to be brief:<br /> +For if you can’t be brief at once, ’twill comfort +them to know<br /> +That you’ll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page 123--><a +name="page123"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 123</span><i>Of +Obedience to Rule</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">Should e’er the Chairman censure you, as +Chairmen oft will do,<br /> +And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep +thereto,<br /> +(Though points are things, by Euclid’s law, that always +must be missed—<br /> +They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don’t +exist)—<br /> +Obey at once the Chairman’s hest (because, as you’re +aware,<br /> +It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair),<br /> +Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss,<br /> +And state the things you <i>might</i> have said—unless +he’d ruled it thus.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><i>Of a Peroration</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">And when you’ve spent your arguments yet +somehow still go on<br /> +(It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you’ve +done),<br /> +Don’t search about for topics new or vex your weary +brain,<br /> +But take what someone else has said and say it all again.</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><!-- page 124--><a +name="page124"></a><span class="pagenum">p. 124</span><i>Of +Impartiality</i>.</p> +<p class="poetry">And when at last your speech is o’er, be +careful if you can<br /> +That none may hint—a horrid charge—that you’re +a Party Man:<br /> +So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may,<br +/> +But keep your mental balance true, and<br /> + + +Vote the other Way.</p> +<h2><!-- page 125--><a name="page125"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 125</span>EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Two youths there were in days of yore<br /> + Called Jones and Robinson.<br /> +Jones had abilities galore,<br /> + While Robinson had none.</p> +<p class="poetry">They met with corresponding fates:<br /> + And Jones, that genius proud,<br /> +Obtained in time a First in Greats:<br /> + While Robinson was ploughed.</p> +<p class="poetry">Jones hoped that mental gifts like his<br /> + Might gain a Fellowship:<br /> +But ah! full many a slip there is<br /> + Between the cup and lip:</p> +<p class="poetry">“You have a brain,” the College +said,<br /> + “Which unassisted soars:<br /> +’Tis not for Colleges to aid<br /> + Abilities like yours!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 126--><a name="page126"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 126</span>Go—wealth awaits your +gathering hand,<br /> + And empires crave your rule!<br /> +But Fellowships like ours are planned<br /> + To help the helpless fool.”</p> +<p class="poetry">He tried the Press: he tried the Bar:<br /> + But still the Bar and Press<br /> +Said, “Not for him our openings are<br /> + Whose gifts ensure success:</p> +<p class="poetry">Such posts are meant (’tis justice +plain)<br /> + For those unhappy chaps<br /> +(Like Robinson) whom lack of brain<br /> + Unfairly handicaps!”</p> +<p class="poetry">And now—yet check the rising tear:<br /> + It seems that long ago<br /> +Those Founders whom we all revere<br /> + Meant it to happen so—</p> +<p class="poetry">Some lack of necessary food,<br /> + All in a garret lone,<br /> +Has ended Jones. I thought it would.<br /> + But Robinson’s a <span +class="smcap">Don</span>.</p> +<h2><!-- page 127--><a name="page127"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 127</span>UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS</h2> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">By Lambda +Minus</span></p> +<p class="poetry">A rumour and rumbling volcanic<br /> + Is heard in the Radical Press,<br /> +And Presidents tremble in panic<br /> + And Wardens their terrors confess:<br /> +How each with anxiety shivers,<br /> + The Dean with his fines and his gates,<br /> +The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers,<br /> + The pedant who ploughed me in Greats!</p> +<p class="poetry">The doctrines degrading they taught, and<br /> + The Progress they nipped in the bud:<br /> +The things that they did when they oughtn’t<br /> + And failed to perform when they should:<br /> +The Questions prevented from burning,<br /> + The Movements forbidden to move,<br /> +Recoil on their centres of learning,<br /> + Their Parks and the System thereof!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 128--><a name="page128"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 128</span>Afar will Democracy chase it,<br /> + That gang of impenitent Dons<br /> +Who drowned the occasional Placet<br /> + By bawling their truculent Nons:<br /> +No idle and opulent College<br /> + Will feed that obstructionist clique,<br /> +Those scoffers at Practical Knowledge<br /> + Who vote for compulsory Greek.</p> +<p class="poetry">And now when the Party of Labour,<br /> + Asserting its virtuous sway,<br /> +Annexes the wealth of its neighbour<br /> + In Labour’s traditional way,—<br /> +When purged of its various abuses<br /> + By Birrell’s beneficent rule,<br /> +This haunt of the obsolete Muses<br /> + Is changed to a charity school,—</p> +<p class="poetry">When Fellows and bloated Professors<br /> + Their stipends are forced to disgorge,<br /> +(Obeying the fiat of Messrs.<br /> + Keir Hardie and Burns and Lloyd George)<br /> +Deprived by the wrath of the Nation<br /> + Of all their unmerited aids,<br /> +Perhaps to escape from starvation<br /> + They’ll take to respectable trades!</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 129--><a name="page129"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 129</span>O wholly delectable vision!<br /> + I view with excusable glee<br /> +The fate of the shallow precisian<br /> + Who failed to appreciate Me;—<br /> +I fancy I see myself tossing<br /> + With blandly contemptuous mien<br /> +A penny for sweeping a crossing<br /> + To him who was formerly Dean!</p> +<h2><!-- page 130--><a name="page130"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 130</span>DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT +CAMBRIDGE</h2> +<p>(“Education differs from technical +training.”—Expert opinion in a letter to the +<i>Times</i>.)</p> +<p class="poetry">Not in vain with quaint devices<br /> + Infants of the age of four<br /> +Build their mimic edifices<br /> + All upon the nursery floor;<br /> +Neither is the presage missed<br /> +By the Educationist,<br /> +When he doth the fact recall<br /> +How that Balbus built a wall!</p> +<p class="poetry">Thus I mused on such-like theses,<br /> + While my errant fancy swam<br /> +Through the circumambient breezes<br /> + To the silver streams of Cam,—<br /> +There observed with pleased surprise<br /> +Ancient Universities<br /> +Still in touch at every stage<br /> +With the Progress of the Age;</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 131--><a name="page131"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 131</span>There, released from sloth and +coma<br /> + (Alma Mater’s chief defect),<br /> +There they grant a new Diploma<br /> + To the budding Architect,<br /> +Take the blighted Builder’s art<br /> +To their academic heart,<br /> +Hope it may in time become<br /> +Part of their curriculum:</p> +<p class="poetry">There they tell their College Porters<br /> + Not to think it strange or odd<br /> +When a load of bricks and mortar’s<br /> + Dumped within the College quad;<br /> +No indignant Tutor hauls<br /> +Him who scales the College walls,—<br /> +Plying on that airy perch<br /> +Architectural Research!</p> +<p class="poetry">Thus I sang: I seemed to see an<br /> + Epoch made, the Future’s guide;<br /> +But my glad exultant pæan<br /> + Was not wholly justified:<br /> +Men whose names we all revere,<br /> +Stars in Architecture’s sphere,<br /> +Phrases used which don’t imply<br /> +Any genuine sympathy:</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 132--><a name="page132"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 132</span>Ch---mpn---ys, Bl---mfield, T. G. +J---cks---n,<br /> + Hushed my lyre’s triumphant string—<br +/> +Said in limpid Anglo-Saxon<br /> + What they thought about the thing:<br /> +“Seats of learning are designed<br /> +For to Educate the Mind,<br /> +Not to teach a craft or trade,”<br /> +<i>That</i> was what these persons said!</p> +<p class="poetry">What! and must a thwarted Nation<br /> + Draw the obvious inference?<br /> +What! a Liberal Education<br /> + Doesn’t mean the quest of pence?<br /> +(Really, this extremely crude<br /> +Obscurantist attitude<br /> +Isn’t quite what one expects<br /> +From distinguished Architects!)</p> +<p class="poetry">Here’s another dear illusion<br /> + Reft away and wholly gone:<br /> +O the spiritual confusion<br /> + Of the pained progressive Don!<br /> +If the facts are quite correct<br /> +As regards the Architect,<br /> +Comes the question, plain and clear,<br /> +<i>How about the Engineer</i>?</p> +<h2><!-- page 133--><a name="page133"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 133</span>ICHABOD: A MONODY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Now is the time when everything is glad,<br /> +Their vernal greenery the fields renew,<br /> + Each feathered songster chants with livelier +tone,<br /> +And lambkins leap and cloudless skies are blue,<br /> + And all is gay and cheerful:—I alone<br /> + Am singularly +sad;<br /> +Mine erstwhile happiness and calm content<br /> + Yields to a sense of sorrowful surprise:<br /> + Things that I thought were thus, are otherwise:<br +/> +And all is grief, and disillusionment.</p> +<p class="poetry">For He, who did in everything surpass<br /> +Our common world,—the Good, the Truly Great,<br /> + The Working Man, who shamed with standards high<br +/> +Our obscurantists unregenerate,—<br /> + Is not, ’twould seem, better than you, or +I,<br /> + Or any other ass:<br /> +<!-- page 134--><a name="page134"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +134</span>The vision’s faded, as a snowflake melts;<br /> + Fallen is that idol from his high renown:<br /> + He hath waxed fat, and kicked, and tumbled down,<br +/> +And we must seek ensamples somewhere else!</p> +<p class="poetry">Where is it, Comrades! in this direful +day—<br /> +That noble zeal for academic lore,<br /> + That reverence due for discipline, in which<br /> +He used to shine conspicuously o’er<br /> + The Brainless Athlete and the Idle Rich?<br /> + O, does he now display<br /> +That ample breadth of calm impartial view,<br /> + That sober judgment and that balanced mind,<br /> + Which we were taught that we should always find,<br +/> +O R---skin College, domiciled in you?</p> +<p class="poetry">I have a Pupil: when his mental food<br /> +Fails (as it will) his appetite to sate,<br /> + What! does that patient much-enduring elf<br /> +Proclaim a strike? set pickets at my gate?<br /> + Boycott my lectures? give them for himself?<br /> + (Full oft I wish he would:)<br /> +Nay—when he finds those lectures dull and flat,<br /> + He asks no other: new ones might be worse:<br /> + Too well he knows that Cosmos’ ordered +course<br /> +Meant him to hear, and me to talk like that.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 135--><a name="page135"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 135</span>Also I own I’m disappointed +by<br /> +Your friends and patrons, British Working Man!<br /> + For they, methought, were champions of the Cause,<br +/> +Fighters for Freedom, foremost in the van,<br /> + Not servile scruplers, bound by rules and laws,<br +/> + Not men who dealt in dry<br /> +Respectable traditions: leaders true,<br /> + No timid Moderates, who would define<br /> + Too strict a boundary ’twixt Mine and +Thine,<br /> +Potential martyrs, heart and soul with you:—</p> +<p class="poetry">’Twas all illusion: they would feed you +with<br /> +Mere talks on Temperance: when your spirit’s wings<br /> + Would soar to Sociology alone,<br /> +Whereby will come that blessed state of things<br /> + When none has property to call his own,<br /> + They give you—Adam Smith . . +.<br /> +These too are fall’n: ah me, that I should live<br /> + To hear our brightest Radicals and best<br /> + By angry Labour in such terms addressed<br /> +As might apply to a Conservative!</p> +<p class="poetry">To this conclusion I perforce must come,<br /> +’Twere best we parted: seeing that we, ’twould +seem,<br /> + Haply have no appreciation of<br /> +Your high ambitions and your aims supreme,<br /> + <!-- page 136--><a name="page136"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 136</span>Nor can we hope that you should +greatly love<br /> + Our mental pabulum:<br /> +Depart, O Comrades! to some happier sphere<br /> + Where you can still be nobly on the make,<br /> + And mine, or plumb, or brew, or butch, or +bake,—<br /> +Best to depart, and leave us mouldering here!</p> +<p class="poetry">Yea, if ye scorn our learning overmuch,<br /> +Misguided sons of horny-handed toil!<br /> + Yet discontented with your lowly lot<br /> +Still pine to burn the sad nocturnal oil<br /> + ’Mid academic culture, or ’mid what<br +/> + Describes itself as such—<br +/> +Go elsewhere, O my brothers! only go<br /> + To Bath, to Birmingham—where’er the +Don<br /> + Teaches the sacred art of Getting +On,——<br /> +—It is not far from here to Jericho.</p> +<h2><!-- page 137--><a name="page137"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 137</span>THE PANACEA</h2> +<p class="poetry">It is Research of which I sing,<br /> +Research, that salutary thing!<br /> +None can succeed, in World or Church,<br /> +Who does not prosecute Research:<br /> + For some read books, and toil thereat<br /> + Their intellect to waken:<br /> + But if you think Research is <i>that</i><br /> + You’re very much +mistaken.</p> +<p class="poetry">All in Columbia’s blesséd +States<br /> +They have no Smalls, or Mods, or Greats,<br /> +Nor do their faculties benumb<br /> +With any cold curriculum:<br /> + O no! for there the ambitious Boy,<br /> + Released from schools and +birches,<br /> + At once pursues with studious joy<br /> + Original Researches:</p> +<p class="poetry">A happy lot that Student’s is,<br /> +—I wish that mine were like to his,—<br /> +<!-- page 138--><a name="page138"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +138</span>Where in the bud no pedants nip<br /> +His Services to Scholarship:<br /> + And none need read with care and pain<br /> + Rome’s History, or +Greece’s,<br /> + But each from his creative brain<br /> + Evolves semestrial Theses!</p> +<p class="poetry">On books to pore is not the kind<br /> +Of thing to please the serious mind,—<br /> +I do not very greatly care<br /> +For such unsatisfying fare:<br /> + To seek the lore that in them lurks<br /> + Would last <i>ad infinitum</i>:<br +/> + Let others read immortal works,—<br /> + I much prefer to write +’em!</p> +<h2><!-- page 139--><a name="page139"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 139</span>THE HEROIC AGE</h2> +<p class="poetry">When I ponder o’er the pages of the old +romantic ages, ere the world grew cold and gray,<br /> +When there wasn’t a relation between Oxford and the Nation, +or a Movement every day,<br /> +How I marvel at the glamour (in these duller days and tamer) +which informed those scenes of glee,<br /> +At the glamour and the glory of contemporary story, and the +Eights as they used to be!</p> +<p class="poetry">It is obvious that the weather must have +differed altogether from the kind that now we know:<br /> +I arise from reading Fiction with the permanent conviction that +it did not hail, nor snow:<br /> +For each fair and youthful charmer had a summer sun to warm her +and a bran new frock and hat,—<br /> +In the progress of the lustres, when the crowd of Fashion musters +it has grown too wise for that.</p> +<p class="poetry">Every boat from keel to rigger was a grand +ideal figure as it skimmed those Wavelets Blue,<br /> +While the Heroes who propelled ’em were comparatively +seldom of a commonplace type, like you—<br /> +<!-- page 140--><a name="page140"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +140</span>In their strength and in their science they were +positively giants, through the gorgeous days of old,<br /> +Still an Admirable Crichton in those <i>lieben alten Zeiten</i> +was the oarsman brave and bold:</p> +<p class="poetry">He could row devoid of training, and (it hardly +needs explaining) got a quite unique degree:<br /> +With his blushing honours laden, he espoused a lovely maiden at +the end of Volume Three:<br /> +This alone he had to grieve for—that he’d nothing +more to live for, or expect from Fortune’s whim:<br /> +For I never could discover, when his Oxford days were over, what +the world could hold for him!</p> +<p class="poetry">O the rapture singlehearted of that Period has +departed, with its views ornate of Man,<br /> +And I think it won’t come back till we restore the +Pterodactyl, or revive the late Queen Anne:<br /> +We have grown in mental stature, and we Go Direct to Nature, in +these days of stress and strife,<br /> +And the hero of a novel in a palace or a hovel is intolerably +True to Life:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Not an infant learns to toddle but <span +class="smcap">efficiency’s</span> his model, which he still +pursues with rage,<br /> +In a manner inconsistent with the methods dim and distant of that +mid-Victorian age:<br /> +<!-- page 141--><a name="page141"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +141</span>For that atmosphere Elysian it has faded from our +vision and has gone where the old tales go,<br /> +And I really don’t know whether I regret +altogether—but the simple fact is so.</p> +<h2><!-- page 142--><a name="page142"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 142</span>MAKERS OF HISTORY</h2> +<p class="poetry">Minstrels! who your choicest notes<br /> +Keep for men who row in boats,<br /> +Mark with what exalted mien<br /> +Comes the Hero of the Scene!<br /> +He, amid the festal swarm,<br /> +Fashion’s glass and mould of form,<br /> +How in shape and how in features<br /> +Far surpassing other creatures,<br /> +How incomparable to<br /> +Common things like me and you!<br /> +He in whose transcendent state<br /> +All the ages culminate—<br /> +Could we ever keep him thus,<br /> +How delightful ’twere for us!<br /> +Could he, ’mid the admiring throng,<br /> +Ever beauteous, ever young,<br /> +Still abide for ever pent<br /> +In his true environment,<br /> +Wear that aureole still which now<br /> +<!-- page 143--><a name="page143"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +143</span>Decks his high victorious brow!<br /> + Out, alas! that Fortune can’t<br /> +Ever give us what we want!<br /> +<span class="smcap">He</span> must quit this vernal stage:<br /> +<span class="smcap">He</span> must sink to middle age<br /> +(E’en the Poet’s soaring wit<br /> +Scarcely can envisage it):<br /> +Go with men of common clay<br /> +In to business every day:<br /> +Be perhaps a Brewer, or<br /> +Haply a Solicitor,—<br /> +None the fact to notice that<br /> +Haloes once adorned his hat:<br /> +Ay! the ways of Fate are odd:<br /> +Men are mortal . . . Ichabod . . .</p> +<p style="text-align: center" class="poetry">* * * * *</p> +<p class="poetry">Yet shall stay by stream and tree<br /> +Something still of what was He,—<br /> +Plainly put, his More or Less<br /> +Immaterial Consciousness,—<br /> +Very fine and very large,<br /> +Floating o’er his College barge:<br /> +Always while the world continues<br /> +Bards shall sing his thews and sinews,—<br /> +Here he rowed and here he ran,<br /> +Being rather more than man;—<br /> +<!-- page 144--><a name="page144"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +144</span>Thus as ages onward go<br /> +Still he’ll great and greater grow,<br /> +Larger still in prose or rhyme<br /> +Looming down the aisles of time,<br /> +Till he sit, sublime and vast,<br /> +’Mid the Giants of the Past,<br /> +Men who lived in days of old<br /> +(Ch-tty, W- -dg-te, N-ck-lls, G-ld),<br /> +Lived and rowed in ages dark<br /> +Long ere Noah built the Ark,<br /> +Very, very famous oars,<br /> +Mighty men in Eights and Fours,<br /> +Towering o’er our Browns and Smiths<br /> +Huge and grey, like Monoliths.</p> +<p class="poetry"> Thus the Hero’s happy +fate<br /> +Keeps in store a blissful state,<br /> +All adown the Future dim,<br /> +Nearly worthy e’en of Him!</p> +<h2><!-- page 145--><a name="page145"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 145</span>ALMA MATER FILIO</h2> +<p class="poetry">Dear Youth! whose wealth and lineage high<br /> + Each outward sign denotes,<br /> +The highly fashionable tie,<br /> + The latest thing in coats—<br /> +Imprinted on whose candid brow<br /> + No gazer could detect<br /> +(As e’en your enemies allow)<br /> + The Pride of Intellect—</p> +<p class="poetry">Who, ’spite your want of mental scope<br +/> + And lack of Serious Aim,<br /> +Still left us, as we dared to hope,<br /> + More pensive than you came,<br /> +And thus at least, while critics vied<br /> + In pointing out our flaws,<br /> +For our continuance supplied<br /> + A kind of Final Cause:—</p> +<p class="poetry">Your part is played, your turn is +o’er:<br /> + Prepare to quit the stage:<br /> +It seems you’re not the person for<br /> + The Spirit of the Age:<br /> +<!-- page 146--><a name="page146"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +146</span>Though high your birth, though large your means,<br /> + I see—’tis sad, but true—<br /> +Soon, ’mid these academic scenes,<br /> + No corner left for you!</p> +<p class="poetry">Ah! what avail the things that went<br /> + To build your prosperous lot,<br /> +The ample cash, the long descent,<br /> + The athlete’s frequent pot,<br /> +The waistcoat bright of ardent red<br /> + Or fascinating green,<br /> +The social charm that captive led<br /> + The Provost, and the Dean?</p> +<p class="poetry">I see the Cherwell’s peaceful flood,<br +/> + I see the courts of King’s<br /> +Invaded by a student brood<br /> + Which knows all kinds of things—<br /> +A crowd with high desires replete,<br /> + Whose recreations are<br /> +To sit at Professorial feet<br /> + And join a Seminar:</p> +<p class="poetry">Bright Butterfly! your haunts of old<br /> + Are tenanted by men<br /> +Who realise what studies mould<br /> + Th’ Efficient Citizen . . .<br /> +<!-- page 147--><a name="page147"></a><span class="pagenum">p. +147</span>These shall alone the blessings know<br /> + Of Isis and of Cam,<br /> +And You (I’m sure ’tis better so)<br /> + Will go to—Birmingham!</p> +<h2><!-- page 148--><a name="page148"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 148</span>IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS +CUIUSDAM</h2> +<p class="poetry">Lo, where yon undistinguished grave<br /> + Erects its grassy pile on<br /> +One who to all Experience gave<br /> + An Alpha or Epsilon!</p> +<p class="poetry">The world and eke the world’s content,<br +/> + And all therein that passes,<br /> +With marks numerical (per cent.)<br /> + He did dispose in classes:</p> +<p class="poetry">Not his to ape the critic crew<br /> + Which vulgarly appraises<br /> +The Good, the Beautiful, the True<br /> + In literary phrases:</p> +<p class="poetry">He did his estimate express<br /> + In terms precise and weighty,—<br /> +And Vice got 25 (or less,)<br /> + While Virtue rose to 80.</p> +<p class="poetry"><!-- page 149--><a name="page149"></a><span +class="pagenum">p. 149</span>Now hath he closed his earthly +lot<br /> + All in his final haven,—<br /> +(And be the stone that marks the spot<br /> + <i>On one side only</i> graven,)</p> +<p class="poetry">Bring papers on his grave to strew<br /> + Amid the grass and clover,<br /> +And plant thereby that pencil blue<br /> + Wherewith he looked them over!</p> +<p class="poetry">There, freed from every human ill<br /> + And fleshly trammels gross, he<br /> +Lies in his resting-place until<br /> + The final Viva Voce:</p> +<p class="poetry">So let him rest till crack of doom<br /> + Of mortal tasks aweary,—<br /> +And nothing write upon his tomb<br /> + Save β—(?).</p> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">the +end</span></p> +<div class="gapline"> </div> +<p style="text-align: center"><span class="smcap">printed by +william clowes and sons</span>, <span +class="smcap">limited</span>, <span class="smcap">london and +beccles</span>.</p> +<h2>Footnotes:</h2> +<p><a name="footnote24"></a><a href="#citation24" +class="footnote">[24]</a> 1897</p> +<p><a name="footnote77"></a><a href="#citation77" +class="footnote">[77]</a> 1900.</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 30690-h.htm or 30690-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/6/9/30690 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Casual Ward + academic and other oddments + + +Author: A. D. Godley + + + +Release Date: December 16, 2009 [eBook #30690] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** + + +Transcribed from the 1912 Smith, Elder & Co. edition by David Price, +email ccx074@pglaf.org + + + + + + THE + CASUAL WARD + + + ACADEMIC AND OTHER + ODDMENTS + + * * * * * + + BY + A. D. GODLEY + + * * * * * + + LONDON + SMITH, ELDER & CO. + 15 WATERLOO PLACE + 1912 + [_All rights reserved_] + + PRINTED BY + WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED + LONDON AND BECCLES + + CONTENTS + PAGE +M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO 1 +THE EIGHTS IN FICTION 6 + I. OLD STYLE 6 + II. NEW OR KODAK STYLE (From the French) 10 +THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA 13 +HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK 17 +TAC. HIST., BK. VI 21 +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH 24 + I. THE TRUE TALE OF TROY 24 + II. FORGOTTEN HISTORY 32 +PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY 38 +PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE'S WILL 43 +THE TUTOR'S EXPEDIENT 49 +THE END AND OBJECT-- 64 +THE TORTURED TUTOR: A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD 71 +THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL 77 +THE NATION IN ARMS 87 +THE INCUBUS 92 +THE WORKING MAN 94 +CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM 97 +FORECAST 100 +PAGEANTS 103 +RULES FOR FICTION 105 +ART AND LETTERS 107 +THE NOVEL 112 +FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD 116 +THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW 119 +HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS 122 +EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY 125 +UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS 127 +DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE 130 +ICHABOD: A MONODY 133 +THE PANACEA 137 +THE HEROIC AGE 139 +MAKERS OF HISTORY 142 +ALMA MATER FILIO 145 +IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM 148 + + + +Nearly all the flights in this book have been first taken in the +_Cornhill Magazine_, the _Oxford Magazine_, or the _Saturday Review_. +They are reproduced by the kind permission of the Editors of these +periodicals. I am allowed also to reprint a set of verses published by +Messrs. Constable & Co. + + A. D. G. + +_November_, 1912 + + + + +M. T. CICERONIS DE LEGE BODLEIANA ORATIO + + +[LITERALLY TRANSLATED BY A BALLIOL FIRST-CLASS MAN] + +[On a Proposal to place Bicycles within the precincts of the Bodleian +Library] + +I. Not concerning a thing of no moment, O Conscript Fathers, you are now +called upon to decide: whether to one man by the counsel and advice of +Curators it is to be permitted that he should take away from you the +power of placing in the Proscholium the instruments of celerity, the +assistances of (your) feet, the machines appointed by a certain natural +providence for the performance of your duties: whether, in which place +our ancestors sold pigs with the greatest consent and indeed applause of +the Roman people, from that (place) bicycles are to be ejected by one +guardian of books. O singular impudence of the man! For be unwilling, +Conscript Fathers, be unwilling to believe that in this pretence of +consulting for (the interests of) a public building something more is not +also being aimed at and sought to be obtained: in such a way (_lit._ so) +he attacks bicycles that in reality he endeavours to oppress the liberty +of each one of you: that by this example and as it were by the thin end +of a certain wedge he may lay the foundation of a royal power over all +these things, which I (as) consul preserved. Concerning which matter I +could say much, if time allowed me: now behold and examine the miserable +condition of those whom a man devoid of constancy and gravity overturns +from (their) fortunes. + +II. What! shall the Masters of Arts, what! shall the Doctors, what! +shall the Proctors themselves (than which kind of men nothing can exist +more holy, nothing more upright, nothing more auspiciously established) +be compelled to come on foot that they may consult those most sacred +volumes in which the Roman people have wished that all learning should be +included? The Hypobibliothecarii, what men! what citizens! will, I +believe, walk, especially considering that it is to be contended by them +against the lengthiness of a journey: and then, if, as (usually) happens, +some sudden tempest should arise, they must suffer (their) bicycles +lacking shelter to be most miserably corrupted by rain. It has been +handed down to memory, Conscript Fathers, that Caius Duilius was +permitted by the republic, which he had saved by (his) incredible +fortitude, to be borne by an elephant whenever he had been invited to a +dinner. Therefore, did he use a most luxurious quadruped that he might +by so much the more quickly arrive at a banquet: shall we, who desire to +hasten not for the sake of lust and the belly, but for the sake of this +learning and books, be forbidden to employ bicycles? I pray and entreat +you, Conscript Fathers, do not allow this disgrace to be branded upon the +heart itself and entrails of the commonwealth. + +III. But for(sooth) the College of All Souls (which I name; for the sake +of honour) is near, in which machines may be sheltered. O thing before +unheard (of)! From which place even undergraduates have been excluded by +a certain divine will: into that shall bicycles be thrown? O times, O +manners! It is not fitting, Conscript Fathers, that the studies of most +learned men, Fellows, should be interrupted in this way. Moreover, they +also have a library, that to them also it may be possible to say that +wheels should be kept afar off: they have keys, bolts, bars, a gate, a +porter: they will exclude, reject, expectorate them. Which act I blame +in such a way that I confess and acknowledge that it will be done with +the greatest legality. + +IV. If the Founder of the Library, if Sir Thomas Bodley himself, I say, +should stand forth from the Elysian fields, it is not necessary that I +should remind you with what ancient severity he would inveigh against +this new power, against the Bibliothecarius, nay rather, against the +Curators themselves: for you can calculate (it) in (your) minds. He +would say to them, "Did I give you authority over books, that you should +use it against bicycles? did I place you in an upper part of a most +convenient building, that you should also rule the lower? did I endow you +with huge wealth and an enormousness of stipend, that you should +therefore the more exercise a kingly dominion over the common utility, +and the necks, heads, lives, fortunes of the poorer citizens?" To which +interrogation and most stern reproach I do not think they, although they +are of a remarkable audacity, could answer anything: for neither is there +(anything) that can be replied. + +V. Although I wish to say more things, I am deterred by the will of the +editor of that most known Magazine (than which paper I do not think that +anything is more conjoined with the safety of the republic): nor am I not +also prevented by tears and weeping itself. Conscript Fathers, if there +is anything in you of constancy, if of gravity, if of fortitude, if of +humanity (which that there is I most certainly know), fortify this common +citadel of the good: open the Pig Market, closed by the intolerable +influence of bad men: be unwilling, be unwilling that the seat of the +Muses, the School of Divinity, the most delightful meeting-places of +Boards of Faculties, should be stained by royal power and polluted by +cruelty. Which that it will certainly happen if you do not prevent it by +your votes, I most confidently predict and vaticinate. + + + + +THE EIGHTS IN FICTION + + +I. OLD STYLE + + +"There's nothing that emphasizes the _amari aliquid_ of life like one's +tobacconist," mused Fane Trevyllyan as he flung a box of eighteenpenny +Emeticos into the fire and lit a Latakia cigarette. + +It was a lovely August morning in the Eights of 18--; and the stroke of +the Charsley Hall boat reclined wearily in his luxuriously furnished +apartments within that venerable College and watched the midday sun +gilding the pinnacles of the Martyr's Memorial. It had been a fast and +furious night, and Trevyllyan had lost more I.O.U.s than even he cared to +remember: and now he was very weary of it all. Had it not been for one +thing, he would have thrown it all up--sent dons, deans, duns, and dice +to the devil, and gone down by the afternoon train: as it was, there was +nothing for it but to recline on his tiger-skins and smoke countless +cigars. He never would train. + +"Going to row to-day, Fane?" It was little Bagley Wood, the cox. +Trevyllyan sanctioned his presence as if he had been a cat or a lapdog: +to all others he was stern and unapproachable--a true representative of +his Order. + +"Don't know, _caro mio_," was the reply. "It's such a bore, you know: +and then I half think I promised to take La Montmorenci of the Frivolity +up the Cherwell to Trumpington in the University Barge." + +"What! when the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion has come down on purpose to +see us catch Christ Church! why, _sapristi_, where can your eyes be?" +The stroke hissed something between his clenched teeth, and Bagley Wood +found himself flying through an unopened window. + +"_Cherchez la femme_! it's always the way with the Trevyllyans," muttered +the lad, as he picked himself up from the grass plot in the quadrangle +and strolled off to quiet his nerves with a glass of _aguardiente_ at the +Mitre. + + * * * * * + +An August moon shone brightly on the last night of the great aquatic +contest: the starter had fired his pistol, and all the boats but one were +off. + +"Hadn't you better think about starting, Trevyllyan?" asked the coach of +the Charsley Hall Eight, a trifle pale and anxious. "See, they are all +under way. Glanville Ferrers, the Christ Church stroke, swears you +shan't bump him as you did last week. He must be past the Soapworks by +this time." + +"_Caramba_! then I suppose we ought to get in," replied the other; and as +he spoke he divested himself of the academical garb that scarcely +concealed his sky-blue tights, and stood, a model of manly beauty, on the +banks of the rushing river. Then, throwing away a half-finished cigar, +Trevyllyan strode into the boat. _Per Bacco_! 'twas a magnificent sight. +As the crack Eight of the river sped swiftly after her rival, cheers +arose from the bank, and odds on both boats were freely taken and offered +by the _cognoscenti_. + +You and I, _amigo mio_! have seen many a race in our day. We have seen +the 'Varsity crews flash neck and neck past Lillie Bridge: we have held +our breath while Orme ran a dead heat with Eclipse for the Grand +National: we have read how the victor of the _pancratium_ panted to the +_meta_ amid the Io Triumphes of Attica's vine-clad Acropolis. But we did +not see the great Christ Church and Charsley's race--that great contest +which is still the talk of many a learned lecture-room. They say the +pace was tremendous. Four men fainted in the Christ Church boat, and +Trevyllyan's crew repeatedly entreated him to stop. But he held on, +inexorable as the Erinnyes. + +Fair as Pallas Anadyomene--fair as the Venus whom Milo fashioned _pour se +desennuyer_ in his exile at Marseilles--the Lady Gwendolen de St. Emilion +sat throned on the University Barge, and watched the heroes as their bare +arms flashed in the moonlight. And now they were through the Gut, and +the nose of the Charsley's boat pressed hard on its rival: yet Fane +Trevyllyan did not make his final effort. Would he spare Glanville +Ferrers? _Quien sabe_? They had been friends--once. But the die was +cast. As the boats sped past her the Lady Gwendolen stooped from her +pride of place and threw a rose--just one--into the painted poop of the +Christ Church wherry. That was all: but it was enough. Trevyllyan saw +the action where he sat: one final, magnificent, unswerving stroke--those +who saw it thought it would never end!--and with a muttered "Habet!" he +sent the brazen beak of his Eight crashing in among the shattered oars of +his helpless competitor. + +_Galeotto fu il libro_, _e chi lo scrisse_. + + + +II. NEW OR KODAK STYLE +(From the French) + + + If they are frivolous, these Universities! + At present great sensation in Oxford: this town, so gloomy, so sad + ordinarily, is to-day _en fete_. + Is it that one elects a new _Vice-Chancellor_? + No. + It is the contest aquatic of the Colleges which goes to take place. + One discusses in the _salons_ the most _chic_ how many kilogrammes + they weigh, these heroes of the oar. + Everywhere Professors in straw hats and Heads of Colleges _en + matelot_. + What a spectacle! + . . . . . + On the barges. . . . + Grouped on these venerable hulks, crowds of ladies excite our + admiration by their beauty and our respect by their intelligence. + Whence do they come, these damsels, so young, so charming? + It is that they have arrived from the metropolis at the request of + their brothers, their cousins--what do I know of it? perhaps their + _pretendants_--of whom they wish to enhance with their applause the + athletic triumph. + . . . . . + After all, they are adorable, these English misses! + . . . . . + On the bank. . . . + One hears the portentous echo of the _Five-Minutes-Gun_. + Moment tremendous! + They have started: one sees already the _strokesman_ of the + _first-boat_. + One would say a whole University that runs on the _towing-path_, and + that utters loud cries. + Here and there _coachmen_ are seen carrying pistols and pronouncing + terrible execrations. + Why these pistols? . . . + A little brutal, these English: but of a force, a virility! + . . . . . + I myself who speak to you am infected by this enthusiasm. + I run: I utter cries: I _raffole_ of the _leading-boat_: I shout En + avant! Vive la Madeleine! Vive le Cercle Nautique! Hourra! . . . + But one does not do these things at forty years. + I am out of breath, what? I wish to stop. + Arrest yourselves, my friends too impetuous! + I appeal to you in the name of France, who respects you: do not + annihilate me, do not pulverize me. . . . . + Vain appeal! One would say the car of Juggernaut. + I am knocked down: I am _crible_ with kicks: I am massacred. + . . . . . + Ah! . . . + + + + +THUCYDIDES ON THE INFLUENZA + + +Thucydides, an Athenian, wrote the history of the epidemic among the +Oxonians, how they had the epidemic, having begun to write as soon as it +broke out on No. 2 Staircase, and considering it to be the most +noticeable of all that had appeared previously. (For the place was not +liable to diseases at other times, but especially free from them, except +that which affected the teeth: on account of which they used to go up to +the metropolis, in word to consult the Delphic oracle but in deed to go +to Olympia, so that not a few were banished from the city both for other +reasons and not least this.) As to the causes of it, then, let any one +speak who is aware of them: but I will show what things happened on +account of it, having both myself put on an aeger and seen others +similarly afflicted, so that I can describe it with equal certainty more +than the narrative of another not having done so, but relying on the +incredibility of historians more than the sureness of experience. + +For in the first beginning of the sickness men remembered what Homer says +about the lower and higher animals in the Trojan business-- + + First did he assail the mules and fleet dogs, but afterward, aiming + at the men his piercing dart, he smote, + +seeing that now too not less but equally as much first, the College +Tutors were attacked, and next the scouts, and last of all the men +themselves. But most of all the scouts were affected, and this caused +the greatest calamity: so that a man must often wish that his scout might +recover, wishing indeed contrary to nature, but being persuaded by the +greatness of the surrounding misfortune, lest he should suffer even worse +things at the hands of a scout's boy, or considering it terrible if he +shall lose even the daily enjoyment of his breakfast not being brought to +him. And all laws concerning meals were brought into a state of +confusion, so that many anticipated taking the commons of another. And +they welcomed the hospitality of those outside the walls, regarding their +hunger in the present as much more important than another man's inability +to pay his debts in the future. + +But when the men themselves began to suffer, then indeed the disease was +the commencement of lawlessness to a greater extent for the city. For +cuttings of chapels and avoidings of lectures, which are an agony for the +present more than a possession for ever, and in short all such things as +the indulgence of was formerly more disguised, these a man easily dared +to do, it being uncertain on the one hand whether his tutor has the +influenza, and on the other if he himself might not put on an aeger +before being hauled he should pay the penalty. And though some, indeed, +did things exactly contrary to this, and being before unaccustomed now +went in the morning with a run to chapel in order that fewer being +present the paradoxicalness of their appearance when compared with the +multitude of those who were absent might gain them a prestige of virtue +not real but simulated--yet with most there was now neither fear of the +Dean by land nor by sea of their coaches: disobeying whom they ate and +drank all kinds of things contrary to law, no one being willing to exert +himself for that which seemed to be honourable, and calculating that the +present abstention from pastry was not equivalent to the possibility of +being bumped in the future about as much and not less than if he had +smoked three pipes and a cheroot. And not only was injustice prevalent +among those who were as yet in good health, but many of those in the +ships, being or seeming to themselves to be sick, had their places taken +by others accustomed rather to fight upon the land, whose manly +inexperience, though in word more creditable than the cowardice combined +with experience of the others, was in reality less powerful than the +language which those on the bank thought worthy to use concerning them. + +Nevertheless, about this time the Oxonians sent an expedition against +Cambridge, having manned a slow train to Bletchley, Nicolaidas being +commander second himself; and they advanced as far as Third Trinity, and +having ravaged part of the land and set up a trophy, they returned home. + + + + +HERODOTUS ON HORSEBACK + + +At this time the Chancellor being among the Oxonii there was instituted a +contest of horses such as this nation is accustomed to celebrate every +spring. And this contest is of such a kind, not being well arranged +according at least to my opinion:--Having dug trenches and built other +ramparts parallel indeed to each other but transversely to the running of +the horses themselves, they do not any longer stand round them invoking +the gods as those do who play golf, but on the contrary, when they have +placed men upon horses they cause them to cross these by leaping under +the lash, as far as the goal: and whoever anticipates the others arriving +at the goal, sitting at least on the same horse on which sitting he set +out, and not it running, having left him behind, nor he himself on foot, +he is considered to have conquered. The reason why I said that this +contest is not well arranged, is of the following kind: because it being +possible to contend in a level place without danger or difficulty, the +Oxonii nevertheless themselves make obstacles so as to prevent the horses +from (not) arriving at the end of the course, neither being compelled nor +there being any necessity ([Greek text]). Then, however, they did these +things, and also, as they are accustomed to do on such occasions, they +sent messengers to inquire of other prophets and also of the Delphic +oracle who should be the conqueror. The Pythian priestess, being mindful +how she had formerly made a good shot in respect of the Median business, +replied in the hexameter rhythm that the issues of victory lay around a +wooden wall. Now having this as a proof I will neither refuse to believe +in oracles myself nor allow others to disbelieve them. For when the race +had begun and the horses had been sent away by the sound of a trumpet, +other men were taking part in the contest, and also Pheron the son of +Trapezites a Corinthian: this is not the Pheron who, his father having +founded a city, was himself expelled from it by the few, who were called +Hetairi, because he had allied himself with the democracy forsooth +([Greek text]). And there are other things written about this Pheron in +the history composed by Proctor, who was tyrant of Oxonia second himself +for one year, and in fact caused Pheron to fall out by reason of +sedition. What I have said just now is a digression and refers to other +matters, and I will now come back to my former story. So then the men, +having in the first part of the contest done things worthy of themselves, +and having for the most part, although not all, yet the majority, avoided +the (not) falling into ditches and the like incurably at least, came +presently to the wooden fence, which I conjecture to be the wall meant by +the Delphic oracle. It being then necessary either remaining on the +hither side to be driven away from all hope of the prize or leaping to +run risks concerning their lives, and the rest having leapt in such a way +that they crossed the fence sitting rather upon the ground than upon +their horses, and some neither with them nor upon them, as the +Lacedaemonians say about their shields: this Pheron, of whom I have +before made mention, showed himself to be prudent in other things and +also in this. He, having a horse much the most active of all the rest, +was not left behind by it, but sat there holding on firmly until he had +arrived at the farther side; and from thence, the race being easy for +him, he came to the goal very much the first, having anticipated. In +this way he obtained the prize. I have learnt the names of all the other +competitors: but I do not think it proper to relate them, not now at +least. + +When the spectators had seen these things (and there was also a contest +for the natives of the country, in which not a few were roughly handled) +they returned in chariots to the city, driving not straight like the +Greeks, but obliquely, as is customary. This story some relate, relating +things credible to me at least; there being two Oxonii in one chariot, +and no one else, one of them entreated the other after they had gone some +way without misfortune that he also might be allowed to hold the reins of +the horses: to whom the other replied "But--for do you not already hold +them?" These men then having left such a memorial of themselves did +nevertheless arrive safely at the city. + + + + +TAC. HIST., BK. VI. +DE AVLA S. EDMVNDI. + + +1. Nunc initia causasque motus Mauretanici expediam. Mauretaniam post +decessum Tedimurii cuicumque servitio expositam avaritia et mala cupidine +fines augendi contemptis populi studiis occupaverant Brigantes, barbara +gens. mox rectorem imposuere e sacerdotibus Peripateticorum instituta +professum. non tulere Mauri intempestivam sapientiam. namque ut +divitias ita librorum scientiam contemptui habent: et est plerisque +indocta canities. + +2. Pollebat inter Mauros Rursus quidam Aratus multa scholarum patientia. +is collectis in aulam Edmundi popularibus ad seniores hunc in modum +locutus fertur: "si apud rerum humanarum inscios verba facerem plura +cohortandi causa dicenda erant. nunc autem sunt in oculis quibus alios +iniuriis validiorum potentia laeserit. quid memorem Scotos Stubbinsiorum +dominatu potitos? quid Tabernarios Balliolensibus traditos, mox ab +iisdem suum lucrum ex aliena benevolentia comparantibus invitos venditos +atque mancipatos? Scimmerios cum maxime Rhodesii subiectos habent, +puerili rei nummariae imperitia generis humani regimen expostulantes. +quanta profanarum litterarum scientia pacatissima loca polluerint, non +est opus dictu apud gnaros. quid meliora ab iis expectatis qui Hiberniam +nuper [praemii nomen] occupaverunt? eandem nobis Brigantes necessitatem +imponent, gradum capessendi. et baccalaureos videbimus." tum ad iuvenes +conversus "eone ventum esset" interrogat "ut antiquissima aulae iura +corrumpi sinerent? Reginensium specioso vocabulo nuncupatos pessimam +servitutem passuros: praelectiones et deorum templa prope noctu insolitis +adeunda: et praecipua foeditate Brigantium arcana. mox et specimen +partium Magrathium remigare coacturum, eo immitius quia toleravisset. +num et sanctissimam Edmundi effigiem nuper a cive in somnis visam inter +quaggas et aprorum capita et eiusmodi ludicra fore ostentui? proinde +simplex et pastoricius et aratro adsuetus populus priscam et traditam a +patribus tranquillitatem coleret et tueretur." + +3. His et talibus accensos ducit in viam, Brigantium fines et principes +ipsos gentis rutilo pigmento maculaturos, ni liberentur. egressis +claudit portas Reginensis sacerdos, metu an conscientia dubium: nec non +Brigantes quamquam civili bello distracti struxere vallum et loricam +hostem arcendi. igitur utrinque exclusi palantur in viis Mauri: +procurtoribus grata ea species nomina et collegii genus per ludibrium +percunctantibus. mox ab Omnianimensibus propter mediocritatem doctrinae +consimilibus hospitio accipiuntur: et inter socios conscribi concessum. +ibi per speciem cruditatis interfecti. aula in formam provinciae +redacta. nec enim magis iustis indiciis unquam adprobatum est, non esse +curae Vice-Cancellario securitatem bonorum, esse exstinctionem. + + + + +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH {24} +(I.) THE TRUE TALE OF TROY + + +(It is perhaps not generally known that the _Daily Hieroglyphic_, one of +the leading morning papyri of Egypt under the --th Dynasty, despatched a +special correspondent to Greece at the time of the Trojan War. Some +fragments of his communications have been discovered by the energy of +modern tomb-robbers, and the courtesy of the British Museum has enabled +us to publish these _disjecta membra_, which may perhaps be of interest +to the public at the present juncture.) + +The only social _evenement_ (writes the correspondent under date Jan. 10, +1100 B.C., or thereabouts) which I have to chronicle is a reported +domestic _esclandre_ in the family of Menelaus, the genial and popular +Prince of Sparta. In consequence of this the Princess Helena, it is +alleged, has gone to Paris. + + Mycenae, January 12. + +It appears from the _Court Circular_ that Her Royal Highness has been +advised by her physicians to reside for some time in Asia Minor. At the +same time I cannot conceal the fact that the Corinthian society paper, +_Alethea_, mentions the name of a Trojan prince in connexion with this +story. I am naturally unwilling to make myself the mouthpiece of +scandal. + + February 1. + +The fact can no longer be disguised that grave international +complications are likely to arise between Troy and Mycenae. It is stated +on the highest authority that the Argive ambassador has been recalled +from the former capital, the alleged reason being promotion to a still +higher diplomatic post: there seems, however, to be no reasonable doubt +that the practical rupture of relations between the Empires of the West +and East is not remotely connected with the eternal maxim, "Cherchez la +femme." Much sympathy is expressed with H.R.H. Prince Menelaus. + + February 20. + +Everything points to war. Orders for a substantial increase of the Navy +have been placed in the hands of Messrs. Odysseus & Co., the celebrated +firm of shipbuilders. Heroes are earnestly called for. + +The Argive Chamber was, last Wednesday, the scene of an animated debate. +M. Diomedes, War Minister, demanded a vote which would enable him to +enrol three more phalanxes. He was bitterly opposed by M. Thersites, +Leader of the Extreme Left, who demanded to know why the Achaean nation +was to be plunged recklessly into war for the settlement of matters +properly pertaining to the province of a Divorce Court. Fortunately for +the success of M. Diomedes' proposal, the closure was put in operation. + + Later. + +M. Thersites' funeral is announced for to-morrow (about the time of +loosing oxen). + + February 25. + +I cannot better describe the existing political situation than by quoting +the opinion of leading newspapers in Achaea and elsewhere. + +All the official journals are consistently warlike in tone. They declare +that nothing will satisfy Achaean aspirations but the annexation of +Helen. The Athenian _Asty_ declares that should King Agamemnon employ +the opened floodgates of popular enthusiasm as a stepping-stone to lop +off another limb from the decaying trunk of the (so-called) Trojan +Empire, he will have achieved a permanent blessing to civilization. + +On the other hand, the _Olympian Times_ comments severely on the +precipitate action of Agamemnon, and animadverts on the rash proceedings +which have led to a rupture that might have been averted by diplomacy. +As the _Times_ is understood to be the mouthpiece of the Powers, such an +utterance may well give rise to the gravest apprehensions. + +The _Oracle_--a Phocian organ of pronounced clerical +tendencies--preserves an ambiguous tone. + +Everything indicates a warlike attitude on the part of the _entourage_ of +King Priam. Hector Pasha has been appointed War Minister. The +_Prehistoric Post_ speaks of the enlistment of two new regiments of +Hittite Bashi-Bazouks in the interior of Asia Minor. The _Cassandra_, +however, a journal little read although supposed by some to be inspired, +has constituted itself the organ of the peace party, and confidently +predicts the destruction of Troy. + +The _Ephemerios Chronographos_ has received the following telegram from +the veteran statesman Nestor: "Profound sympathy Achaean aspirations. +Bag and baggage only possible policy. Postcard follows.--Nestor, +Hawarden, Pylos." + + March 1. + +His Majesty and the Greek Fleet sailed to-day from Epidaurus, amid scenes +of great enthusiasm. Her Majesty the Queen and His Excellency Count +Aegisthus were both visibly affected. Mycenae is daily paraded by crowds +shouting, "To Ilion!" + + March 8. + +The Fleet is at Aulis, waiting until the process of raising the wind +shall have been concluded. Meantime, the services of the notorious +Klepht Achilles have been engaged. This popular enlistment creates great +enthusiasm. + +The report recently prevalent as to human sacrifices is contradicted this +morning by an official _dementi_. + +H.R.H. the Princess Iphigeneia has joined a Russian religious house. + +Trojan bonds are quoted to-day at 53.8 (a fall of 0.2). + + Later. + +The attitude of the Olympian Powers causes considerable anxiety. + + Tenedos, March 15. + +Telegrams per Beacon will have informed you that the Powers have issued a +Collective Note to the Greek expeditionary force, forbidding the landing +of heroes and others. Notwithstanding this, there seems to be no doubt +that several demi-gods under Achilles have landed, and are endeavouring +to effect administrative reforms. Achaean newspapers of all shades +condemn the recent action of Poseidon in attempting to raise a storm. +Hector Pasha is committing atrocities. + + March 17. + +In spite of the known discrepancy between the views of the Powers, they +have issued a Collective Note urging upon His Majesty King Agamemnon the +necessity of prompt withdrawal. In view of his possible refusal, it is +understood that thunderbolts are in preparation, and Ares has been +mobilized. This action is severely commented upon by the Achaean Press +in general. The _Phaeacian Daily Chronicle_ goes so far as to threaten a +mass meeting in Trafalgar Square. Meanwhile, Hector Pasha is committing +atrocities. + + March 18. + +The Powers have issued Collective Notes to the contending parties. It is +understood that nothing short of a _Deus ex machina_ can avert a formal +rupture of relations between the Courts of Troy and Mycenae, as acts +which are liable to the interpretation of belligerency are daily +committed. + +The ambiguous attitude of Zeus tends to complicate the situation. His +Majesty the King narrowly missed being hit by a thunderbolt this morning. + + March 20. + +I am authorized to state that the intervention of a _Deus ex machina_ has +brought about the arrangement of a _modus vivendi_. The Achaean +expeditionary force is to withdraw, and Helen is to be autonomous. +Menelaus, however, is to be free to enforce administrative reforms. + + March 21. + +Peace with Honour has been proclaimed. It is possible, however, that +some embarrassment may still arise from the action of King Priam in +assessing the material, moral, and intellectual damage inflicted on +himself and his allies at 152,833 tripods, 18 women, and an ox. This sum +will certainly be disputed. + +It is asserted as probable that the Poet Laureate,--Homer, will be +invited to compose an epic poem commemorating the events of the raid. An +edition of 20,000 copies will be issued, including 50 on India paper, +with corruptions and emendations by eminent scholars. + + + + +THE JOURNALISTIC TOUCH +(II.) FORGOTTEN HISTORY + + +The Roman correspondent of the _Stella Lugdunensis_ writes to his paper +under date A.V.C. 817:-- + +All the Press is naturally full of the recent debate in the Senate on the +alleged unconstitutional indiscretions of our Imperial Master. (H.I.M., +I should add, is at present on a lecturing tour in the Peloponnesus; +statements in the _Custos Burdigalensis_ to the effect that He is giving +a series of violin recitals are wholly without foundation.) The +impression produced is on the whole one of unanimous condemnation of His +Majesty's recent action. How--it is argued even by the Right--can it +tend to the stability of Roman foreign policy that in the regrettable +military operations between the Suebi and the Chatti the Emperor should +have directed General Count Corbulo to prepare an invincible plan of +campaign for each of the belligerents? The Extreme Left, as represented +by Messrs. Barea and T. Peters (? Paetus), goes much farther, and does +not hesitate to criticize the autocratic dilettantism which professes to +lay down the law on artistic matters which it does not in the least +understand. It is time (said one speaker) that our so-called Emperor +should cease to be persuaded by the plaudits of a decadent and servile +entourage into imagining Himself a Second Sarasatius. Absolutism is +generally condemned. + +Messrs. Nerva and Nymphidius and other prominent Imperialists have, of +course, defended their master; but their apologies, it is felt, were +somewhat perfunctory and half-hearted. In allusion to the lamented +demise of the Dowager Empress, it was pointed out that pity and loyalty +alike should forbid trampling on a Ruler bowed down by repeated domestic +bereavements; and attempts were made to enlist sympathy for the Imperial +Orphan. These, however, have not been uniformly crowned with success. + +Tension undoubtedly exists. I cannot (to speak plainly) conceal from +myself the fact that in a given contingency, the nature of which it is +unnecessary and, perhaps, undesirable to specify further, circumstances +at present unforeseen might conceivably pave the way for developments of +which it might be impossible to predict the eventual termination. + + * * * * * + +"Ought Nero to Abdicate?" is the subject of a "symposium" in the current +_Primum Saeculum et Post_. The signatures L and S are commonly +associated with the talented author whose _Pharsalia_ has long been +recognized as the most charming of Saturnalian gift-books, and the Rev. +L. A. Seneca, formerly private tutor in His Majesty's household. Should +H.I.M. decide to abdicate, it is anticipated that He will edit our +Boeotian contemporary the _Oracle_, which is sadly in need of new blood. +Nero will give it that. The meetings held at the Palazzo Pisone were +strictly private. + + * * * * * + +The Suebian Press continues to hint at fresh indiscretions. There is no +doubt that a state of tension exists, which can only be alleviated by the +restoration of reciprocal confidence between H.I.M. and the Roman people. +The result of the approaching conference between the Emperor and Prince +Tigellinus is eagerly discussed. + + Later. + +H.M.'s interview with the Chancellor at Brundisium is stated to have been +productive of entirely satisfactory results. It is said that Nero now +thoroughly understands the situation, and is resolved to remodel His +conduct accordingly. Tension is greatly alleviated. + + * * * * * + +I cannot more graphically summarize the present improved situation than +by quoting the headlines in the _Acta Diurna_. + + GREAT REVIEW OF PRAETORIANS + OUTSIDE THE SENATE HOUSE. + RESTORED RELATIONS BETWEEN + CONSCRIPT FATHERS AND EMPEROR. + HIS MAJESTY IN THE SENATE. + AVE CAESAR OPTIME MAXIME. + GREAT ENTHUSIASM. + DIVINE HONOURS PRACTICALLY CERTAIN. + IMPROVED FINANCIAL POSITION. + NEW ISSUE OF CONSULS EXPECTED. + +All this tends to indicate that the period of mutual suspicion and +distrust is practically at an end. Nothing shows it more clearly than +the happy renewal of social relations between the Emperor and the leading +members of the Senate. As a guarantee of good feeling, several of our +legislators have consented, at His Majesty's earnest request, to assist +Him in the forthcoming Pageant of Empire to be held in the Circus +Maximus. Their collaboration is indeed indispensable, large consignments +of empty lions being reported to have arrived at Ostia. The hearty +sympathy between our Ruler and His people is still further attested by +the fact that several Senators who were but lately among the foremost +critics of Absolutism are now taking a personal and prominent share in +the scheme of street illuminations recently suggested to the Emperor by +His Chancellor. Members of the Stoic Democratic Federation have been +invited to meet H.I.M. at dinner at the Cafe Locusta. + + * * * * * + +The Cafe Locusta dinner has been a great success. It is not expected +that the Stoic Democratic Federation will express any further opinion +hostile to the Imperial policy. + +M. Nymphidius has been commissioned to form a Ministry. + +Not the least noteworthy among social _evenements_ is the departure of +Piso (whose tendency to form cabals has for some time been a sore subject +in Imperialistic circles) for his estates in Thule, N.B. He has left, +according to one account, by the Hook (_unco_). + + * * * * * + +I quote from the Court Journal:-- + + "The Emperor Nero reigns in the hearts of His People. Persons + asserting the contrary will be decapitated." + + + + +PHILOGEORGOS, OR CONCERNING BRIBERY + + +Going down the other day to the Kerameikos, I met my friend Philogeorgos, +who is at present one of those who desire to hold office in the city. +And I said to him-- + +"Philogeorgos, you look sad; is it because you fear lest you should not +be elected Archon?" + +"No, Socrates," he replied. "It is not that which saddens me; it is the +baseness of those who try to prevent the people from choosing me." + +"In what way do they act basely?" I asked. + +"There is a certain wine-seller," he said, "who is offering what the +Hyperboreans call Free Drinks (that is, you know, draughts of wine +without payment) to all those who will vote for Misogeorgos, but not for +me." + +"That is very unkind of the wine-seller. But why do you say that the +transaction is base?" + +"Why, of course it is base. How can it be anything else?" + +"When we predicate baseness of a transaction," I said, "we must also +predicate baseness of those who are concerned in it, or at least of one +of them. Now, Philogeorgos, let me ask you a question; for you are +accustomed by this time to answer questions. When you wish for a pair of +shoes or a flute, how do you obtain one?" + +"How else," he said, "except by buying it from a shoemaker or a maker of +flutes?" + +"How else, indeed?" I replied. "So, then, the tradesman gives you +something which he possesses; and you give the tradesman in return +something which you possess. And this exchange is advantageous to both +of you, and honourable; is it not?" + +"I suppose so." + +"And neither of you becomes base?" + +"Neither." + +"Then it is not a base transaction?" + +"No." + +"Now consider in this way; Does a vote belong to the man who possesses a +vote?" + +"Yes, Socrates; but I am afraid that you are going to quibble, as usual." + +"It is only by dialectic," I replied, "that we can arrive at the truth. +And the wine belongs, I suppose, to the wine-seller?" + +"It would seem so, at least." + +"Then when the wine-seller gets the voter's vote in exchange for his own +wine, they simply give each other what each possesses; and such a +transaction, as you have said, is advantageous to both parties, and +honourable, and not base at all." + +"I said," he replied, rather angrily, "that you were going to quibble. +Of course, the case is quite different. A vote is a sacred thing; and it +ought not to be exchanged for the satisfaction of mere bodily desires, +such as the desire for drink." + +"Nor for any other material comfort?" I asked. + +"Certainly not," he replied. + +"Nobly spoken, indeed!" I said. "But I confess, all the same, that you +rather surprise me; for only this morning I heard the herald proclaiming +in your name that all the citizens would have Free Food if they voted for +Philogeorgos. And I remember how some years ago either Phaidrolithos or +one of those around him used to promise at elections that everyone should +have three acres of land and a cow, on condition that the city kept him +and his party in power. You do not mean to tell me that what +Phaidrolithos or his friends did was base?" + +"No, indeed," he replied. "But surely, Socrates, even you must see that +this is a different matter altogether." + +"How different? You say that votes must not be exchanged for material +comforts; yet Free Food is a material comfort; and so are three acres, +because they produce food; and so, I presume, is a cow. And these things +were offered to the voter in exchange for his vote, just as the +wine-seller now is offering draughts of wine." + +"No, Socrates, it is not the same thing at all. When I talk of Free +Food, and when men like Phaidrolithos talk of land and cows, we do not +give these things immediately in exchange for votes. We could not; they +are not ours to give; we have not got them." + +"That is very true," I said. "For I remember when Phaidrolithos and his +party were put in power many people used to come to those in authority +and demand that they should now receive three acres of land each and a +cow; and when they did not receive these things they were indignant, as +having been deceived. And I daresay that when you are in power men will +come expecting to receive Free Food, and will not get it. But, as far as +I can understand your argument, it is honourable to promise in return for +a vote that which you cannot give; but when one promises that which he +_can_ give, as the wine-seller does, that is base, and that makes you +sad. Is it not so? And the reason seems to be that when the wine-seller +offers Free Drinks for a vote, then the vote is sold; but when you offer +Free Food for a vote, then it is not the vote which is sold, but only the +voter." + +"Socrates," said Philogeorgos, "you are a philosopher; and no philosopher +ever understood politics. But I am busy, and have really no more time to +waste upon you and your dialectics." + +"Farewell, then, Philogeorgos," I said; "but please do not be angry with +me for being so stupid. And if I were you," I continued, "I do not think +I would be angry with the wine-seller either; for perhaps the draughts of +wine will make the citizens drunk, especially when they need not be paid +for; and when a citizen is drunk he will run the risk of voting for you +rather than for Misogeorgos. Do you not think so?" + +But Philogeorgos was already out of hearing. + + + + +PHILELEUTHEROS; OR, CONCERNING THE PEOPLE'S WILL + + +"Is not this a dreadful thing, Socrates, that Balphurios has been lately +doing about what he calls a Referendum?" + +"What thing?" I said. "I have heard indeed lately that he has said +this--that if he and his friends should be elected to sit in the +Ecclesia, he will not propose a law taxing Megarian imports without first +consulting the citizens; and he has invited Askoithios to do the same +thing, and not to give autonomy to the Samians without first consulting +the citizens. Is that the dreadful thing?" + +"So dreadful, Socrates, that even now I can scarcely believe it: for it +aims at the destruction of the democracy. But I can tell him that +Askoithios will certainly not do what he is invited to do." + +"Why will he not do it?" I asked. + +"Because Askoithios knows very well already that all the citizens are in +favour of giving autonomy to the Samians." + +"Well, Phileleutheros," I said, "in that case he will do no harm by +having consulted them. And does Balphurios also know what the citizens +think about taxing Megarian imports?" + +"Certainly: he knows that all men (except himself and his friends) abhor +such a plan." + +"Then," I said, "no harm will be done there either; for the citizens, +being consulted, will say what they wish." + +"But, Socrates, it is always harmful that the citizens should be +consulted. And that is why Askoithios will not consult them." + +"Why, Phileleutheros," I said, "are you not a democrat?" + +"Of course I am." + +"And in a democracy do not the people rule?" + +"I suppose so." + +"By saying what they wish to have done, or otherwise?" + +"By saying so, I suppose." + +"And if they are not allowed to say what they wish, they are not ruling, +and it is not a democracy?" + +"Perhaps." + +"Then Balphurios, who asks the people what they wish, is a democratic +man; and Askoithios, who does not ask them, is not a democratic man; nor +are you one, apparently, O Phileleutheros." + +"This is all nonsense, Socrates," he said. "Balphurios cannot be a +democrat: for I am a democrat, and I do not agree with Balphurios. And +you have not the least conception of what is meant by democracy: which +is, that certain persons are chosen by the majority of the citizens that +they may sit in the Ecclesia and carry out the wishes of the people." + +"But for what reasons do you choose such persons?" I asked. + +"They ought to be chosen, Socrates," he replied, "because they possess +the qualities proper to democratic men." + +"You mean," I said, "that they must hate and speak evil of the rich; and +that they must wish to diminish the number of our triremes; and that they +must refuse to tax Megarian imports; and that they must be conscious of +their own virtues and the vices of others." + +"I do not altogether praise your definition; but it will do." + +"But with all these qualities," I said, "will your ecclesiasts always +know what you wish when something unexpected happens about which it is +necessary to decide? For instance, if one of the chief speakers proposes +a law that all burglars should be honoured by dinners in the Prytaneum, +will not your ecclesiasts come to us and say, 'O Socrates and +Phileleutheros, we possess all the qualities proper to democratic men: we +are conscious of our own virtues, and we should like to diminish the +number of your triremes: and for these qualities we have been elected; +but as to this matter of giving burglars a dinner in the Prytaneum, about +this we do not yet know your wishes: and we would gladly be informed by +you?'" + +"If they do not know our wishes of themselves," said Phileleutheros, +"they will suffer for it at the next election." + +"That is very unpleasant for them," I replied. "Suppose now that you +hired an architect to build you a house, and that while he was building +it he needed your advice, and came and said to you, 'O Phileleutheros, I +have given your house four walls and a roof according to your wishes; but +you have not yet told me whether your banqueting-hall ought to have three +windows or six. About this I do not yet know your wishes, and I would +gladly be informed by you.' Will you then say to him that you have no +authority to tell him your wishes any more, but that if he happens to +decide contrary to your will you will not employ him again? Similarly, +it seems to me, you are in danger of making the Ecclesia no longer the +agent of your wishes, but it and those who lead it will be now and then +tyrants and not your servants--if to make laws not according to the will +of the people is tyranny. And you can punish the ecclesiasts by +dismissing them after a time, of course; but you will only elect others +who will be tyrants again in the same way as their predecessors." + +"But the Nomothetae, Socrates, will prevent them." + +"Hardly," I replied. "For your leaders of the Ecclesia, who are +democrats and will not consult the people, and whom you praise, will ask +the Nomothetae for their opinion three times; and when thereby they are +quite satisfied that their proposal is displeasing to the Nomothetae it +will forthwith become law. So that the conclusion is this: that the +leaders of the Ecclesia will in most cases have authority to do what they +like without consulting anybody. And these leaders, Askoithios and his +friends, are few in relation to the mass of the citizens, are they not?" + +"They are not many, certainly." + +"That is something to be thankful for," I said. "They then, being few, +will rule for the time; and when the few rule, that is oligarchy. Is it +not? Unless perhaps you will say that when your enemies are in power in +the Ecclesia, it is oligarchy; but when your friends are in power, then +it is democracy?" + +"Socrates, you are right, for once. That is precisely what I do say." + + + + +THE TUTOR'S EXPEDIENT + + +"Come in" said the Senior Tutor of St. Boniface: and two scholars came +in. (He knew they were scholars, because this was his hour for seeing +scholars.) One was a heavy-looking young man in a frock coat and tall +hat. The other was a spruce youth, who looked as if nature had intended +him for an attorney's clerk; as, indeed, nature had. + +"Scholars, I presume, gentlemen?" inquired the Tutor. The young men +bowed. "In what subjects, may I ask? You, sir" (turning to the spruce +youth) "Mr.--I forget your name--eh? Oh, thanks--is it Classics? +History? Natural Science, perhaps?" + +"Oh no, sir; I hold a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship." + +"Exactly: I remember now. You read all through _Tit-Bits_ for a whole +year, and the 'D. T.' pays you--l,200 pounds, isn't it? The task is a +little dear at the price, it always seemed to me: but still, +_Tit-Bits_--" + +"It isn't quite that, sir," put in the youth; "it was for the +'Encyclop--'" + +("I _knew_ it was dear at the price," the Tutor murmured.) + +'"--aedia Pananglica,'" continued the scholar. "My Scholarship is for +reading that. I have it outside, in three packing-cases." + +"The Scholarship?" asked the Tutor, weakly. + +"No," said the scholar; "the 'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.'" + +"Well," the academic dignitary resumed, "and what have you read? To +prepare yourself for a university career, I mean." + +"The 'Encyc--'" + +"Of course, of course; but anything else? I wish to know so as to advise +you with respect to the direction of your studies. Have you, for +instance, read any Homer?" + +"Homer!" the youth replied--"Oh, yes, I know about Homer. There is a +picture of Homer, drawn from life, and very well reproduced, among the +illustrations of the article 'Education.' There is one there of +Comenius, too. Homer and Comenius--" + +"Were both educationists, I know," said the Tutor: "but not, properly +speaking, in the same way. However--you have not studied the father of +poetry in the original, it would appear. Any Xenophon, perhaps? or +Caesar?" + +"I don't think I know much about Xenophon," replied the young man, "but I +have a friend who failed in Caesar for the Cambridge Locals, and he said +it was pretty easy." + +"Do you know _any_ Greek or Latin at all?" + +"Well, as I came along I bought a Delectus: I was told it might be +helpful for attaining the highest honours." + +"Exactly. You thought it might be helpful--of course, of course. You +were quite right--perfectly, perfectly correct," the Tutor murmured, with +a faraway look in his eyes. Then he collected himself, and turned to the +other aspirant. "And you, sir--pardon me, I didn't quite catch--eh? Oh, +thanks!--what, may I ask, are the conditions on which you hold _your_ +Scholarship?" + +"My education," replied the heavy young man, "was completed at the Jabez +H. Brown University of Thessalonica, Maine, U.S.A. I am a recipient of a +Scholarship under the provisions of the will of the Right Honourable +Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist. No doubt, Professor, you +will have heard of him." + +"Ah! a Rhodes Scholar," said the Tutor. "That is better--much better. +You will, no doubt, study the Classics. There are those (I am well +aware) who are disposed to object to modern American Scholarship as an +excessive attention to minutiae: but personally, I confess, I am no enemy +even to a meticulous exactness, which alone can save us from an incurious +and slipshod rhetoric! . . . And what, then, are the points of +scholarship which it has been your endeavour to elucidate? Have you +followed in the steps of the lamented Professor Drybones of Chicago, who +died before he could prove, by a complete enumeration of all the +instances in Greek literature, that [Greek text] is never the first word +of a sentence? Have you--" + +"Pardon me, Professor," put in the Rhodes Scholar. "That ain't my +platform at all. I may say, I don't take any stock in literatoor." + +"Am I then to understand," the Tutor asked, "that you are _not_ +acquainted with the Greek and Latin Classics?" + +"Not considerable," replied the American. "In fact, not any." + +"And to what, then, have your studies been directed?" + +"Not to books, Professor. No, nor yet laboratories and such. I was +elected Scholar by the unanimous suffrage of my class in Thessalonica, +Maine, for Moral Character. When it comes to Moral Character, you look +at me. That is just where I am on top every time." + +"Moral Character!" exclaimed the Tutor, aghast. "Oh, dear me! I am +afraid that won't do at all--here. Moral Character--well, I hardly know +how to put it--but the fact is that if _that_ is all that you have to +rely upon, you would be sent down within a year infallibly--Oh, +infallibly, I assure you! . . . But," he continued, "we must try to +think of something for both of you gentlemen. Could I not give you both +a letter of recommendation to my friend the Master of St. Cuthbert's? +_There_, I know, they value very highly both morality and the +'Encyclopaedia Pananglica.' I am sure it would be just the place for you +both. Do let me write!" + +"As the Master of Alfred's sent Cecil Rhodes on to Auriol?" suggested the +spruce young man, innocently. + +"As the Master of--why, no," said the Tutor, "I think that won't do, +after all. Really, I believe, we must try to keep you at Boniface." +Boniface had suffered severely from agricultural depression. "Well, +gentlemen--come to me again two hours hence, and we will try to think of +something for you. Good morning!" + + * * * * * + +The Tutor was in a sad quandary. Paid as he was by results fees, he +could not afford to receive pupils who would disgrace him in the Schools. +Yet it had always been his creed that a College must adapt itself to +existing circumstances, and be instinct with the Zeit Geist. + +For a long time he remained wrapt in meditation. + + * * * * * + +Two hours elapsed, and the Tutor was again confronted with the twin +aspirants to academic honours. He regarded them with the mien of one +visibly relieved from a load of care. "These papers, gentlemen," he +said, pointing to certain documents which lay upon the tutorial table, +"relate to a project of which you have doubtless heard--I refer to the +extension of our Public Schools into the remoter regions of the British +Empire. They are reprinted from Mr. Sargant's admirable letter to the +_Times_, and the leading article on the subject. You are acquainted with +them--No? Then pray take the papers: you will find them most instructive +and agreeable reading during the voyage." + +"The--the voyage?" exclaimed the Rhodes Scholar. + +"Certainly," said the Tutor, "during the voyage. During the long +afternoons when you are steaming over the oily calm of the Bay of Biscay, +or being propelled (by friendly natives) down the rushing waters of +the--ah--Congo. What I am proposing is that you two gentlemen should +become members of our Branch Establishment in Timbuctoo. You _must_ have +heard of it! When schemes so beneficial to the Empire are mooted, was it +likely that the Colleges of our great Imperial Universities would not +take the lead in the van of progress? And when Eton, Harrow, and +Giggleswick have founded institutions, similar to themselves in every +respect except that of mere locality, in Asia, Africa, and Australasia, +was the College of St. Boniface to be a laggard? Assuredly not. +Gentlemen, I commend you to our Alma Mater beyond the seas." + +"But, Professor," the Rhodes Scholar objected, "I was sent here across +the salt water dish to join the College of St. Boniface. They were kind +of sot upon that in Thessalonica. I guess they will be disappointed, +some, if I ain't made a professing member of St. Boniface." + +"But you will be, my dear sir--you will be!" cried the Tutor, with +vehemence, "a member of St. Boniface-in-Timbuctoo: Sancti Bonifacii +Collegii apud Timbuctooenses alumnus: it is precisely the same thing. +You have doubtless read, in the course of your historical investigations, +how Eton is really an offshoot of Winchester: is Eton not a public +school? Of course it is. Similarly, in the Middle Ages a portion of the +University broke off and migrated to Stamford. Was it Oxford any the +less because it happened to be at Stamford? Not the least. The two +institutions--St. Boniface in Oxford and St. Boniface in Timbuctoo--are +precisely identical. When you gentlemen in future years are competing +for--and I trust, I am sure, obtaining--positions of distinction and +emolument in the great world, you will be entitled to describe yourselves +as Boniface Men. You can drop the 'Apud Timbuctooenses' if you like: the +omission will not be considered fraudulent. But I see no reason why you +_should_ drop it. Personally, I should glory in it. Had I won a +scholarship for Moral Character, I would go to Timbuctoo to-morrow! +There, it seems to me, is your special sphere. In Oxford, Moral +Character is so frequent as to be a drug, a positive drug: but in +Timbuctoo the possession is precious in proportion to its rarity." + +"But have they got the Tone and the Tradition there, sir?" asked the +holder of a 'Daily Thunderer' Scholarship. "That would be, for me, very +important. My family were especially anxious--" + +"Assuredly they have got the Tone and the Tradition. _Coelum non animum +mutant_--you have met with that, probably, in the 'Encyclopaedia +Pananglica.' Absolutely unimpaired, I assure you. We take great pains +about that. Just an instance--the Visitor is the Bishop of Barchester, +just as here with us: the local King wanted to be Visitor, but of course +we couldn't allow that. Imagine--a Visitor with fifty-three wives, not +to mention! It wouldn't have done at all: the Tone _must_ have suffered. +We are in constant communication (wireless, of course) with the Timbuctoo +Branch: we are always being consulted. Only this morning we had to deal +rather severely with an undergraduate member of the College--aboriginal, +as many of them are--who insisted on playing the tom-tom in prohibited +hours. Of course, we must back up the Dean, and in case of--emergency, +we replace him and compensate his relations." + +"You speak, sir," said the student of the Encyclopaedia, "of a local +King. I understood that the College was on British territory." + +"The British Empire," replied the Tutor, "includes Hinterlands. This is +a Hinterland. It is consequently from time to time the duty of the local +college authorities to assist the British Resident at the Court of +Timbuctoo in pulling down the French, German, Italian, Russian, and +Portuguese flags, all of which have been occasionally erected. But the +country is practically annexed. We are--ah--suzerains." + +"I understand, Professor, from your observation relative to the tom-tom," +put the American scholar, "that the students of your College are +subjected to the regular British discipline? That would be kind of +essential for me. Cecil J. Rhodes, the eminent philanthropist, was +particularly anxious that I should have the full advantages of your fine +old high-toned mediaeval College rules. You have regulations, I +presume?" + +"The regulations," replied the Don, "are framed (as exactly as possible +in the circumstances) on the lines with which we are familiar in Oxford. +It has not been advisable, so far, to establish the Proctorial system in +its entirety throughout the capital of Timbuctoo; but within the walls of +St. Boniface (or perhaps in strict truth I should say within the Zariba) +the strictest discipline prevails. Clothing is essential--if not worn, +at least carried in the hand--for attendance in Hall and at lectures. +Morning chapel is obligatory: conscientious objectors, if aborigines, may +keep a private fetish in their rooms. Cannibalism is only permitted if +directly authorized by the Dean, after a personal interview." + +This appeared to satisfy the Rhodes Scholar; his companion wished further +to know whether residence in a Colonial College could be regarded as a +step on the Educational Ladder. His friends, he said, had impressed upon +him that his function in life was to climb the Educational Ladder. + +"The ladder to which you refer," explained the Tutor, "can be scaled as +well in Africa as in England. In fact, better; there are distinctly +greater facilities. In view of the regrettable inadequacy (at present) +of any organized system of primary education in Timbuctoo, secondary +education has been obliged to modify some of its standards. The +University of Oxford, never backward in the march of progress, is +prepared to make the requisite concessions; and, as a result, you will +find that the highest honours are attainable without any acquaintance +with the ordinary subjects of our curriculum. It is, I should say, the +very place for you. Remember, too, that the very largest latitude is +allowed--nay, encouraged--in the choice of special subjects qualifying +for the M.A. degree; and what a field you will find! The habits of +residents--indeed, of some among your own fellow students--are most +interesting to the student of Anthropology! while investigations among +the flora and fauna of this country must be fraught with the most +delightful potentialities. I confess, I envy you. I do not think I am +saying too much if I assure you that this University will be ready and +willing to confer upon you, not only the ordinary M.A. degree, but a +Doctorate of Science or Letters! + +"Then," continued the Tutor, "as to recreations; _neque semper arcum +tendit Apollo_--I beg your pardon, I mean to say that you cannot always +be studying the domestic habits of the hippopotamus under a microscope. +Sports and games you will find plentiful and interesting. There is +head-hunting, for instance--" + +"Hunting the head of the college, do you mean, Professor?" asked the +American. + +"Certainly not," replied the Don, with dignity. "That would not, under +any circumstances, be permitted. If it were the Dean, now--but, oh no, +certainly not the Head. What I refer to is the pursuit and collection of +decapitated human heads, belonging generally to personal enemies of the +collector; it is a sport common in Borneo, and among other interesting, +if primitive, nationalities. This pastime is, I understand, a favourite +one with some students of the college. It is practised, I need hardly +say, under the very strictest supervision; there must be a certificate +signed by the British Resident, and a special written recommendation from +the Director of the Craniological Department of the Museum. Under such +restriction abuse is, of course, impossible. Then, again, there is golf; +and it is hardly necessary to remind you that the Sahara provides perhaps +the finest natural golf links in the world." + +"Well, Professor," said the American, "I guess I will start. But how are +we going to get right there, now? On the cars?" + +"By the Cape to Cairo railway, when it is open," the Tutor answered. +"There will be a branch line. At present, the main line is, as you are +aware, incomplete, and the branch is--well, in course of construction. +Passengers are conveyed by motor. Or, if not by motor, by ox-waggon; +trekking by the latter method is, I believe, the safer way; both, +however, are, I understand, most commodious. I may explain to you that +the present is a particularly auspicious occasion for your journey; you +will travel in the company of the new Junior Dean, whose society, I am +sure, you will find delightful. His predecessor, a personal friend of my +own, succumbed, I grieve to say, a few months ago--owing to the alleged +inadequate supply of beef-steaks at a 'Torpid' breakfast. . . . Painful, +but apparently inevitable. I need hardly say, the perpetrators of this +insult have been rusticated for a whole term." + +"Is the Junior Dean a coloured person--a nigger?" asked the Rhodes +Scholar. + +"_All_ the College officials," explained the Don, "are, in the highest +and best sense of the word, white men. Some of the Ordinary Fellows, it +is true--Mr. Sargant's scheme contemplated, you see, the election to +fellowships of persons of local distinction. But our officials are, +without exception, Oxford men. It would be impossible, otherwise, to +preserve the Tone and the Tradition." + +"And now, gentlemen," he continued, "I must not keep you too long. +Procrastination is the thief of time, eh? and besides, your boat leaves +Southampton to-morrow. All expenses on the journey refunded by the +Timbuctoo Bursar, on application. Are your boxes unpacked? No? Then +all you have to do is to alter the labels." + +"About the 'Encyclopaedia,'" said the spruce youth. "It is in three +packing cases--a bit 'eavy. Will carriage be paid?" + +"Oh certainly, certainly," replied the Tutor. "Of course, I _might_ +relax our regulation about bonfires in the quadrangle--but no, no, I am +sure you will find it most useful, even up-to-date--in Timbuctoo. _Good_ +morning!" + + * * * * * + +The Tutor, with a sigh of relief, renewed his perusal of the +"Itinerarium" of Nemesianus. Nemesianus, honest man! did not know where +Timbuctoo was. Nor, for the matter of that, did the Tutor. + + + + +THE END AND OBJECT-- + + +"It is always interesting," said my friend, Feedingspoon, "to consider +the various stages of the process by which knowledge is disseminated. An +inscription (we will say) or an important textual variation is +discovered: it is then misinterpreted to fit a preconceived theory; then +it is introduced into a cheap German edition, for the School-Use +explained. Subsequently, an English school-book is copied from the +German: the English commentary is imparted (by me) to undergraduates, in +the form of lectures; and the undergraduates' notes are presently +submitted to an examiner in the Schools, who marks them _a_--?, and says +they show evidence of some original research. By how many degrees, do +you suppose, is the examiner removed from the truth?" + +"It depends," I said, "whether he be a D.D., an M.A., or a D.Litt. But I +do not understand the necessity of the lecturer. Cannot your +undergraduate read the English book for himself?" + +"No," he replied, "he cannot. There are, of course, exceptional persons. +But the ordinary man's mind is so constructed that he is incapable of +comprehending that which is seen by the eyes unless it be also heard by +the ears. Moreover, when he is not safely shut up in a lecture-room, he +is almost always compelled to be either eating, or playing football, or +meeting his maternal uncle at the station. Lastly, if the student could +read for himself, there would be no need of a lecturer: which is absurd. + +"Such being the admitted theory of education," continued Feedingspoon, "I +feel that I am necessary to the machinery of the Universe. The position +which I occupy is at the same time one of some labour. This morning, for +instance, I rose late (having been occupied till past midnight in reading +to my pupils selections from the _Poetics_ of Aristotle, in order that +they might sleep soundly and wake refreshed): hence, I was unable to +follow my usual practice, which is, to call my alumni at 6.30, to +accompany them in a walk before breakfast, and map out the scheme of +reading which they are to follow until luncheon. I only trust that this +isolated omission of a plain duty may not wreck their futures! As a +result of my somnolence, I had but ten minutes in which to prepare two +lectures on subjects of which I had previously been ignorant; but, thanks +to Mr. Gow's _Handbook to School Classics_--a work with which my pupils +are unfamiliar because I have not yet told them to read it--I succeeded +in displaying an erudition which, in the circumstances, was creditable. +Since the conclusion of my lectures, I have been employed in visiting the +candidates whom I am preparing for examination, and encouraging them to +continue their studies. Personal attention is indispensable to the true +educator. But I must confess that I am somewhat dashed and embarrassed +by the receipt of a request from Tomkins, a scholar of this College, that +I should discontinue my daily inspection of his reading, as he wishes to +have time to do some work: coupled with a letter from the Senior Tutor, +who wishes to know if I do not think that a little more individual +attention is advisable in the case of Tomkins. . . . + +"I must now," he said, "ask you to excuse me. The representatives of my +College are about to play a football match in the Parks: and although the +game is one with the rules of which I have never been able to familiarize +myself, and in which, between ourselves, I take no interest whatever, I +conceive that my absence from the crowd of spectators might well loosen +that sympathy between myself and the junior members of the College, +without which they must infallibly meet the fate of the man who reads his +books for himself and neglects the dictation of his Tutor. Moreover, I +have to spend the later part of the afternoon in reading the Cr--, I +should say, the admirable and scholarly version of Professor Jebb--to +three Commoners who are taking up Sophocles for Honour Moderations." + +"Your day," I said, "seems indeed to be somewhat occupied. Let me at +least hope that the work which you are doing will win you the applause of +the learned, and a place among the Educationists of the century." + + * * * * * + +On leaving Feedingspoon, it happened that the first man whom I met was +Fadmonger, _the_ Fadmonger, the one with a Continental reputation. He +had been ordered to play golf in the morning, and was returning from the +links. As we walked together towards the North of Oxford, I was about to +repeat to him the substance of my conversation with Feedingspoon. But on +my mentioning the latter's name, Fadmonger interposed, and said that he +really could not trust himself to speak on that subject. He then +discoursed upon it at great length, using the most violent language about +Obscurantism, Packed Boards, the Tutorial Profession, Sacrifice of +Research to Examination, Frivolous Aims and Obsolete Methods, and the +like. + +"What," he cried indignantly, "are we to think of a curriculum--so +called--which includes the _Republic_ of Plato and excludes the +_Onomasticon_ of Julius Pollux?" + +"Assuredly," I replied, "there can be only one opinion about it." + +"Exactly," he said; "you are one of the few sensible men I know. Our +methods, I can tell you, are getting us into serious discredit abroad. I +should just like you to hear the things which are said about Literae +Humaniores by Professor Jahaleel Q. Potsherds of Johns Hopkins, and +Doctor Grabenrauber of Weissnichtwo. They think very little of this +University at Johns Hopkins." + +"Indeed," I said; "I am pained to hear it." + +"Yes," replied Fadmonger; "it worries me a good deal. I have almost +resolved to give up the rest of my lectures for the Term, and go to the +Riviera for a complete change. . . . + +"No," he continued, after a pause, "there is nothing to be hoped from the +College Tutor. Obscurantist he is, and obscurantist he will remain: he +is our great impediment to serious study--study, that is, of anything +except so-called classical texts. It is to the young student that we +must look for salvation. Do you know young Frawde of my College? I have +had most interesting talks with him--a really able man, but of course +quite misunderstood by his tutors: able men always are." + +"He is, I suppose," said I, "reading for a Final Honour School." + +"Of course he is doing nothing of the kind," Fadmonger replied with some +warmth. "In the present degraded condition of Honour Greats it is quite +unworthy of a serious student. He is at present preparing to take a pass +degree: and after that he thinks of going abroad to devote himself +seriously to a course of Tymborychology. A most interesting young man, +with admirably sound ideas on the present state of the Schools. . . ." + + * * * * * + +It happens that I know Frawde: and when I next met him I commented with +some surprise on his new departure. Frawde was quite candid, and said it +had been necessary to do something in order to patch up his much-ploughed +character before Collections. He had been plausible, and Fadmonger +credulous. + +"And really, you know, the Fadder wasn't half a bad chap"--he had given +Frawde a recommendation to read in the Bodder--"and I am going there +too," said the serious student, "as soon as I can find out where it is: +but nobody seems to know. After all, lots of chaps go abroad after their +degraggers: why shouldn't I have a spade and dig in Egypt or Mesopotamia +or somewhere, same as anybody else? Eh?" + +And, upon my word, I really don't see why he shouldn't. + + + + +THE TORTURED TUTOR: +A DIALOGUE OF THE DEAD + + +"The question is," said Pluto to the deceased Tutor, "which of our +penalties we can assign to you. Something you must have, you know: it's +the rule of the place." + +"Sorry to hear you say so," replied the Tutor. "I _had_ hoped that +perhaps I might be allowed a little quiet to enjoy the pleasant +warmth--my doctor really sent me here as an alternative to Algiers--and +possibly throw in a little journalistic work which would advertise you in +the evening papers. You're not known enough up there." + +"Not known? Why, surely you yourself must often have been recommended +to--" + +"Of course, of course," the Tutor hastily interrupted,--"but not by any +one whose opinion or advice I at all respected. Whereas if I might just +have leisure to look round and jot things down, now that I am here, I +could put you in touch with specialists who--" + +"Now, look here," said the Monarch, "if you're going to stay here at all, +you must please to remember that this isn't a University. I simply won't +have idlers loafing round wasting their own time and demoralizing society +with their lazy habits. Pardon my abruptness" (he continued, more +mildly), "but with all the exclusiveness in the world I can't prevent our +getting a little mixed now and then, and if people come here with +academic ideas I really couldn't be responsible for order and morality. +We should be as Anglo-Indian as Olympus in no time." + +"Very true! very true!" said the Shade. "I quite see. Satan finds some +mischief still--eh? as I used to say when I was a Dean. Since you really +insist on it, I suppose there _had_ better be some trifling torture by +way of occupation. Only look here--it mustn't be any of the things I +used to do up above. Quite absurd, you know, to go on reading the same +books you did at school--no, I mean, to be made to continue on the same +old lines I followed before I came up--down, I should say. It's so +monotonous, and it isn't improving." + +"Well," said Pluto, "we'll see what can be done, on that assumption. It +does rather limit possibilities, though, doesn't it? You see I have to +confess that, considering it's the nineteenth century, we are a little +behind the times--no great variety in the matter of punishments." + +"Why don't you bring them up to date?" asked the visitor. + +"Practically," he replied, "it's a question of expense. With funds, I +could do much more. Roasting over a slow fire, for instance, is good: +they have that in another place: but just think of the coal bill! Then +viva-voceing and vivisecting without anaesthetics are of course +admirable; but the cost of expert labour involved would be ruinous. +Result is, that nearly all my penalties are self-acting and consequently +simple in design; and, on the whole, except in the case of _blases_ +people who come here with a too varied experience, they answer tolerably +well." + +"All right," said the Tutor, "suggest an occupation." + +"Let me see," said the Ruler of the Shades, and he pondered a few +moments. "How would it be, now, if you were to take a turn with our +friend Sisyphus? He rolls a big stone up a hill, and just as he thinks +it's going to get to the top, down it comes again--most disappointing. +Quite inexpensive, and very healthy, _I_ should say, and really, as an +object-lesson in the force of gravity, not uninstructive." + +"Won't do at all," replied the Tutor. "In the Vacations I was always +walking up hills and having to come down before I got to the top. Then +in the Term I used to teach Logic to passmen; and really, if you think--" + +"Yes, yes," Pluto agreed; "the occupations would be practically +identical. Of course, that won't suit you. Well, then, there's Ixion, +who goes round on a wheel." + +"I'm a bicyclist myself," objected the Tutor. + +"Are you? Pity, too, because Ixion says his wheel's old-fashioned; he +wants a new one with pneumatic tyres warranted puncturable, which shows +that he is really entering into the spirit of the thing. You might have +had his old one for a song, I'm sure. However, what do you say to +calling on those Danaid girls, and getting them to teach you their little +industry? There, again, you have simplicity itself. Take a can with a +hole in the bottom, go on pouring water into it--" + +"I thought I told you," murmured the deceased, wearily, "that I have +followed the profession of teaching." + +"Very true; I had forgotten. Don't know what we can do to suit you, +really! Perhaps you'd like to imitate Theseus--_sedet aeternumque +sedebit_, as Virgil said. Astonishing how Virgil picked these details +up! There's old Theseus, sitting like a hen. They say he's as tired of +sitting as if he were a rowing-man." + +"As an ex-member of the Board of the Faculty of Arts--" began the Tutor. + +"Ah, dear me!" replied Pluto. "Then that won't do either? Those Boards +must be excellent from my point of view. I have often wished I had one +or two down here. But I'm really afraid we're getting to the end of the +list. And, you know, if we can't provide you with anything, back you'll +have to go. _I_ won't keep you, eating your head off. But, talk of +eating! shall I put you up beside Prometheus, and ask his eagle to do a +little overtime work by taking a turn at your liver? I am afraid we +could hardly stand you a private eagle all to yourself. It is said to be +quite painful; I really don't think you can have gone through that, with +all your experience." + +"Oh yes I have," returned the Tutor; "a long course of Hall dinners has +familiarized me with every possibility in the way of liver trouble. The +eagle business would be the merest _crambe repetita_." + +"Bless the man!" cried Pluto, justly provoked. "Very well; then you +can't stay here, that's all. I've given you all the alternatives Hades +has at its disposal, and you tell us you have been through them all in +your University! All I can say is, you had better go back to it, and +stay there." + +"The Bursar," said the Tutor, "will not be best pleased to see me again. +He thinks he has got my Fellowship, and is going to use it for the +benefit of the College farms. I can tell you he won't like it one bit +when I reappear at the College Meeting." + +"The Bursar and I shall have plenty of time for an explanation--later," +said Pluto. + + + + +THE DIFFICULTIES OF MR. BULL {77} + + +I have been a good deal distressed lately by the reverses of my friend +John Bull, who is one of the leading tradesmen in this town. Everybody +knows his establishment. It does a very large business indeed: you can +get practically everything there--coals, Lee-Metford rifles, chocolate, +biscuits, steam-engines, Australian mutton, home and colonial produce of +every kind, in short. My old friend is tremendously proud of his shop, +which, as he says, he has made what it is by strict honesty (and really +for an enterprising tradesman he is fairly honest) and attention to +business principles. He has put a deal of capital into it, and spares no +expense in advertising; in fact, he keeps a regular department for +poetry, which is written on the premises and circulated among customers +and others, and explains in the most beautiful language that the house in +Britannia Road is the place to go to for everything. John, who prides +himself on his literary taste, considers this to be the finest poetry +ever written; and Mrs. Bull reads it out to him in the evening before he +has his regular snooze after supper. + +Everything was going on swimmingly until this unfortunate Hooligan +trouble began. I must explain to you that Mr. Bull owns a great deal +more property than the actual premises where he transacts business. +Somehow or other, in course of time he has become the proprietor of bits +and scraps all over the town and suburbs--tenements, waste lands, +eligible building sites, warehouses, and what not--the whole making up +what, if it was put together, would be a very considerable estate. How +it all came into John Bull's hands nobody knows properly; indeed, I don't +think he does himself. Some of it was bought, and bought pretty dear +too. Some of it was left to him. A good deal of it he--one doesn't like +using the word, but still--well, in fact, took; but, mind you, he always +took everything for its good, and for the ultimate benefit of society, +not for any selfish reasons; so that to call Mr. Bull a pirate, as Dubois +does who keeps the toy-shop over the way, is manifestly absurd. Anyhow, +it is a very fine property, and would be bigger still if Jonathan C., a +cousin of the family, hadn't taken off a good slice which used to belong +to John. + +As I was saying, this property is a very large straggling affair, most of +it a long way off from the shop. Its owner finds it very hard to look +after every part; all the more so, because this town has no regular +police, and is therefore continually troubled by gangs of roughs, who go +about breaking windows and even heads, and doing damage generally. They +are always giving a great deal of trouble to the Bull people; and what +makes it worse is that very often they are actually tenants on the +property, who ought to know better. One of these Hooligan crowds lately +made a dead set against poor John; it was all the harder because to my +personal knowledge he had shown himself most kind and forgiving to +various members of this particular gang; and once before, when they came +and broke his windows, he refused to prosecute, and simply gave them five +shillings to drink Mrs. Bull's health and not do it again. That is the +kind of man he is, sometimes. In spite of this indulgent and charitable +treatment, they came the other day and made a raid into an outlying +corner of his property and did all sorts of damage; and not content with +this, they actually squatted there on land which was no more theirs than +it is mine (I am thankful to say), where they insulted and even assaulted +innocent passers-by, and levied blackmail on John Bull's adjacent +tenants, and, in short, became the terror of the neighbourhood and a +disgrace to civilization. And when Mr. Bull's watchman (I told you there +is no regular police force, and everybody has to look after himself), +when Thomas Atkins, I say, came with orders to turn them out, they told +him to go--I hardly like to say where--and absolutely refused to stir; +quite the contrary; they hid themselves behind rubbish-heaps and +hoardings and such like, and threw things at Thomas; and when he tried to +catch them, they ran away and hid behind more hoardings, so that when you +thought they were in one place they were always somewhere else, and the +poor watchman got so knocked about with stones and brickbats that the +next morning, when he came round to the shop to report progress, he had a +black eye, and a cut head, and a torn coat, and a nasty bruise on one of +his legs. Mrs. Bull had to patch up his coat and give him some arnica +and vaseline. + +Poor Mr. Atkins! He is a most respectable man, and an excellent +watchman, as was his father before him. It is a tradition of the Atkins +family that they are as brave as lions, and do not know what fear is; but +unfortunately they are not always very clever, and Thomas is a little +slow at learning, and does not pick up new tricks readily. His father +had a tremendous hammer-and-tongs battle with the Dubois' watchman once, +right in the middle of the public street--thirty-six rounds or so they +had of it--and licked him, as John Bull says, in true British style; and +that is always Thomas's way, and the only thing that he understands +properly; none of your underhand dodges like hiding behind places and +throwing brickbats when one isn't looking. So that the Hooligan ways of +fighting were quite too much for him at first. And although Mr. Bull +spent a lot of money in buying him a new watchman's rattle and a very +expensive second-hand truncheon, nearly as good as the best kind, still +it was all no good, and Thomas couldn't turn the invaders out. + +All this time you must not suppose that Mr. Bull's neighbours had nothing +to say about the matter. On the contrary, they were very much interested +and, I am sorry to say, pleased. Dubois the Frenchman, and Muller, the +man who keeps the World's Cheap Emporium, and Alexis Ivanovitch, the big +cornfactor in the next street who is always maltreating his workmen, were +never tired of saying nasty things about Mr. Bull and crowing over the +mishaps of Mr. Atkins. Everybody knows what a terrible quarrel there was +some years ago between Muller and Dubois, and how Muller went into the +toyshop and thrashed the Frenchman then and there, so that poor Dubois +had to go to bed for a week, and for a long time afterwards used to go +about vowing vengeance. But this didn't in the least prevent the two +from fraternizing on the common ground of enmity to John Bull. They +would meet--by accident, of course--just under his windows, and then +Muller would say, very loud, to Dubois, "Is it not ridiculous, my friend, +that this once apparently so mighty Herr Bull and his watchman should +again by the Hooliganish crowd have been defeated?" Or perhaps, "This is +what comes of your big businesses and your straggling premises with no +one to protect them. How much better to have a small compact business +(though it's not so small either, mind you) like my Emporium, by a large +number of properly trained watchmen defended!" And Dubois would say,--so +that it annoyed the Bull household very much indeed,--"Behold the fruits +of being a pirate and a robber. Conspuez M. Atkins! Justice for ever! +A bas les Juifs!" (he always says that now when he is angry--goodness +only knows why). Indeed Dubois got so excited that he actually thought +of breaking John's windows, though on reflection he decided that he +wouldn't do it just yet. And John was very cross with Atkins and the +shopboy, and even with Mrs. Bull and his son J. Wellington Bull, and +caused it to be generally known that he would knock Dubois's head off for +sixpence if he got the chance. Then Paddy Gilhooly, who is a tenant of +the Bulls', in Hibernia Road--and a shocking bad tenant, too, who never +pays any rent when he can help it, and keeps his premises in a +disgraceful condition, with a lot of pigs and poultry running about in +the front parlour--this Paddy must needs put his finger in the pie and +turn against his own landlord, so that whenever Mr. Atkins came along +Hibernia Road Paddy would put his head out of window and shout, +"Hooligans for iver! More power to th' inimy! Crunchy aboo!" and other +similar observations, of which no one took the least notice, because it +was the way with the Gilhooly family. Still, it was very ungrateful of +Paddy, after all John's kindness to him; besides being painful to Mr. +Atkins, who is a near cousin of the Gilhoolys and would not wish to be +disgraced by the conduct of his relations. I don't know why it is, but +somehow or other Mr. Bull has not the gift of making himself generally +popular. Time after time he has lent Paddy money; and as for Muller and +Dubois, if they want good advice on the proper conduct of their business, +they know where to come for it: but they don't seem to appreciate the +privilege. In short, if it wasn't for that little bankrupt wine merchant +Themistocles Papageorgios, whom John saved some time ago from the +consequences of litigation with a Turkish firm, I doubt if my poor friend +has one sincere wellwisher among all the townsmen. + +However, I am glad to say that most of them have begun to change their +tune lately, thanks to Mr. Bull's luck being on the mend. Thomas Atkins +did not make a very good start, certainly; but as time went on he learnt +a number of new tricks, and the violent exercise which he had to take put +him into excellent training. Moreover, some cousins of the Bulls showed +a very proper family spirit, and sent the eldest son, Larry, to help Mr. +Atkins. So, what with Thomas being, so to speak, a new man, and Larry +being very strong and active, and the shopboy coming out to lend a hand +when required, the three between them began to turn the tables. They +caught two or three of the marauders at last, and had them locked up; and +I sincerely hope and trust that they will do the same with all the rest +very soon. This seems to have produced a great change in the sentiments +of Mr. Bull's fellow-citizens. Muller is not nearly so contemptuous as +he used to be about Atkins; and Dubois, I suppose, has remembered that he +is going to have a big summer sale this year, and that it would be very +embarrassing, under the circumstances, to be embroiled with an +influential person like this brave M. Bull, as he calls him now. Only +Ivanovitch is still very sulky and goes on using violent expressions. I +am afraid there will be trouble yet between my poor friend and the +cornfactor--though goodness knows the town ought to be big enough to hold +both of them. But the fact is they have both got mortgages on a china +shop in the suburbs which is in a bad way financially, and it makes them +as jealous of each other as possible. + +Evidently this Hooligan affair is not going to last for ever; and, on the +whole, if things don't get worse, Bull may congratulate himself on having +done pretty well so far. But it has hit him rather hard. What with +buying things for Mr. Atkins and paying him for working overtime, and +having had to put up new fire-proof shutters, and sending out the shopboy +away from his duties to help Atkins and Larry, he has lost a deal of +money, one way and another; and besides, as he is very much afraid of +this kind of thing happening again, it looks as if the whole business of +the shop were going to be put on a different footing. For here is J. +Wellington Bull, who was to have helped behind the counter, going out now +to do watchman's duty with the others; and as likely as not the old man +himself will have to take to patrolling his property instead of looking +after his customers; so that, in all probability, there will be no one +but Mrs. B. to see after the shop. And, as John said to me the other +day, these are no times for leaving a business to be managed by old +women. + +He says he has seen enough of that kind of thing. + + + + +THE NATION IN ARMS + + + This is the tale that is told of an almost universally respected + Minister, + Who, being fully aware of the views of Continental Potentates, and + their plans ambitious and sinister, + For the better defence of his native land, and to free her from + continual warlike alarms, + Determined that he would popularize the conception (and a very good + one too) of a Nation in Arms! + Now this is the way he proceeded to fan the flame of patriot ardour-- + (This metre looks at first as easy to write as blank verse, or Walt + Whitman, but is in reality considerably harder),-- + He assured his crowded audience that, while everyone must deprecate a + horrid, militant, Jingoist attitude, + Not to serve one's country--at least on Saturday afternoons--was the + very blackest ingratitude: + Death on the battlefield,--or at least the expense of buying a + uniform,--was the patriots' chiefest glory; + Dulce et decorum est (said the statesman, amid thunderous cheers) pro + patria mori! + Everyone should be ready to defend his hearth and home, be it humble + cot or family mansion, + Provided always that he discouraged a tendency to Militarism and + Imperial Expansion: + That was the habit of mind which a Briton's primary duty to stifle + was, + Seeing that the country's salvation lay rather with the intelligent, + spontaneous, disinterested volunteer who didn't care how obsolete the + pattern of his rifle was: + Too much skill in shooting or drill was a perilous thing, and he did + not mean to acquire it, + For fear of alarming peace-loving Emperors and such-like by display of + a combative spirit; + Regular armies tended to that: and in view of the state of + international conditions he + Meant to cut down our own to the minimum consistent with Guaranteed + Efficiency,-- + Being convinced as he was that an army recruited and trained on a + properly peaceful principle + Would be wholly (and here comes a rhyme that won't please the mere + purist, but I'm sorry to say it's the only available one) wholly, I + say, and completely invincible! + This being so, he did not propose to devise any scheme or with + cut-and-dried details to fetter a + Patriot Public which quite understood of itself that England + Expects--et cetera. + After this oratorical burst, as the country next day was informed by + about two hundred reporters, + The Right Honourable Gentleman resumed his seat amid loud and + continuous applause, having spoken for two hours and three quarters. + The Public at once declared with unanimity so remarkable that nothing + would well surpass it + That patriotic self-sacrifice was a Priceless National Asset: + No rational person, they said, could fail to be deeply impressed by + the charms + Of that truly august conception, a Nation in Arms: + To become expert in the use of strictly defensive weapons, spear or + sword, Lee-Metford, torpedo, or sabre, + Was a duty--if not for oneself, yet incumbent without any shadow of + doubt on one's neighbour; + Still there were some who might possibly urge that the world was at + peace, and the time was not ripe yet for it,-- + Besides the undoubted fact that a patriot who was asked to sacrifice + his Saturday half-holiday might legitimately inquire what he was + likely to get for it; + So on the whole while they recognized quite (what a metre this is, to + be sure!) that the Minister's scheme was replete with attraction, + They decided to wait for a while (what with the danger of encouraging + a spirit of Militarism and a number of other excellent reasons) before + putting his plan into action. + Then the Continental Potentates--and if I venture at all to allude to + them, it is + Only to show how all this Nation-in-Arms business may lead to the most + regrettable extremities: + This part of my poem in short most painful and sad to a lover of peace + is, + And in fact I believe I can deal with it best by a delicate use of the + figure Aposiopesis-- + However--the net result was that a time arrived when Consols went down + to nothing at all, caddies in thousands were thrown out of work and + professional footballers docked of their salary, + And several League matches had to be played at a lamentable financial + loss in the absence of the usual gallery! + Then, some time after that (it's really impossible to say what + happened in between) when business at last had resumed its usual + working, + And the nation in general was no longer engaged in painfully realistic + manoeuvres, on the Downs, between Guildford and Dorking,-- + Then the public met and resolved like the person whose case is + recorded in fable + That now that the steed had been stolen (or at least suffered from + exposure to the air) it was high time to close the door of the stable; + And that never again no more should their cricket-fields, football + grounds, croquet lawns, bunkers, + Be profaned by the feet of Cossacks, Chasseurs, Bashi-Bazouks, or + Junkers; + And I don't think they talked very big about Nations in Arms, or + inscribed on their banners any particularly inspiring motto, + But they learnt to shoot and to drill, not more or less but quite + well--in spite of the dangers of Militarism--for the plain and simple + reason that they'd got to! + + + + +THE INCUBUS + + + Essence of boredom! stupefying Theme! + Whereon with eloquence less deep than full, + Still maundering on in slow continuous stream, + All can expatiate, and all be dull: + Bane of the mind and topic of debate + That drugs the reader to a restless doze, + Thou that with soul-annihilating weight + Crushest the Bard, and hypnotisest those + Who plod the placid path of plain pedestrian Prose: + + Lo! when each morn I carefully peruse + (Seeking some subject for my painful pen) + The _Times_, the _Standard_, and the _Daily News_, + No other topic floats into my ken + Save this alone: or Dr. Clifford slates + Dogmas in general: or the dreadful ban + Of furious Bishops excommunicates + Such simple creeds as Birrell, hopeful man! + Thinks may perhaps appease th' unwilling Anglican. + + Lo! at Society's convivial board + (Whereat I do occasionally sit, + In hope to bear within my memory stored + Some echo thence of someone else's wit), + Or e'er the soup hath yielded to the fish, + A heavy dulness doth the banquet freeze: + Lucullus' self would shun th' untasted dish + When lovely woman whispers, "Tell me, please, + What _are_ Denominational Facilities?" + + From scenes like these my Muse would fain withdraw: + To Taff's still Valley be my footsteps led, + Where happy Unions 'neath the shield of Law + Heave bricks bisected at the Blackleg's head: + In those calm shades my desultory oat + Of Taxed Land Values shall contented trill, + Of Man ennobled by a Single Vote,-- + In short, I'll sing of anything you will, + Except of thee alone, O Education Bill! + + + + +THE WORKING MAN +(After seeing his Picture in the Press) + + + Working Man! whose psychic beauty + (Unattainable by me) + Still it is my pleasing duty + Painted by your friends to see,-- + You, whose virtues ne'er can bore us, + Daily through their list we scan, + Let me swell th' admiring chorus, + Let me hymn the Working Man! + + You whose Leaders, highly moral, + Always shocked by war's alarms, + Could not in their country's quarrel + Contemplate the use of arms, + Yet, should strikes provide occasion, + Then by higher promptings led + Do with more than moral suasion + Break the erring Blackleg's head:-- + + You, whose intellectual state is + Such that you are aiming at + Getting all your culture gratis + (Not that you're alone in that),-- + Always with the strict injunction + That whate'er be false or true + Every teacher's simple function + Is to teach what pleases you:-- + + Not to gain by learned labour + Any sordid _quid pro quo_: + Not to rise above your neighbour + (Comrades ne'er are treated so): + Not to change your lowly station, + Not for rank and not for pelf, + Academic education + Only, only for itself,-- + + Yet in whose commercial dealings + Vainly we attempt to find + Those disinterested feelings + Which adorn the Student's mind,-- + Seeing that, O my high-souled brothers! + There your dream of happiness + Is (like mine, and several others') + Earning more for working less! + + 'Tis not that I blame your getting + Anything you think you can: + 'Tisn't that which I'm regretting, + Noble British Working Man! + No--although the facts I mention + Sometimes wake a mild surprise-- + Still--the truth's beyond contention-- + You are good, and great, and wise: + + Swell my taxes: stint my fuel: + Last, to close the painful scene, + Send me, rather just than cruel, + Send me to the guillotine: + Ere the knife bisects my spinal + Cord, and ends my vital span, + This shall be my utterance final, + _Bless_ the British Working Man! + + + + +CONCERNING A MILLENNIUM + + + They tell me the Millennium's come + (And I should be extremely glad + Could I but feel assured, like some, + It had): + They tell me of a bright To Be + When, freed from chains that tyrants forge + By the Right Honourable D. + Lloyd George, + We shall by penalties persuade + The idle unrepentant Great + To serve (inadequately paid) + The State,-- + All working for the general good, + While painful guillotines confront + The individual who could + And won't: + But horny-handed sons of toil, + Who now purvey our meats and drinks, + Our gardens devastate, and spoil + Our sinks, + Shall seldom condescend to take + That inconsiderable sum + For which they daily butch, and bake, + And plumb; + Such humble votaries of trade + No more shall follow arts like these; + Since most of them will then be made + M.P.s! + + * * * * * + + And can I then (with some surprise + You ask) possess my tranquil soul, + And view with calm indifferent eyes + The Poll, + While partisans, in raucous tones, + With doleful wail or joyful shout + Proclaim that Brown is in, or Jones + Is out? + I can: I do: the reason's plain: + That blissful day which prophets paint + Perhaps may come: perhaps again + It mayn't: + And ere these ages blest begin + (For Rome, I've heard historians say, + Was only partly finished in + A day) + In men of sentiments sublime + 'Tis possible we yet may trace + The influence of mellowing Time + And PLACE:-- + O who can tell? Ere Labour rouse + Its ever-multiplying hordes + To mend or end th' obstructive House + Of Lords, + And bid aristocrats begone, + And their hereditary pelf + Bestow with generous hand upon + Itself-- + Why, Mr. George,--his threats forgot + Which Earls and Viscounts cowering hear,-- + Himself may be, as like as not, + A Peer! + + + + +FORECAST + + + Tomkins! when revolving lustres + Thin those shining locks that now + Wreathe their hyacinthine clusters + Round your intellectual brow,-- + You who in your nobler station + Still are kind enough to seek + Our political salvation + Rather more than once a week,-- + + Think you, will your rightful value + Still be duly understood? + Will the British Public hail you + Always great and always good? + When the Peoples fight for Freedom + And the tyrant's rage confront, + Will they call for you to lead 'em? + --No, my friend: I fear they won't. + + Soon or late are Truth's apostles + Laid upon their destined shelf; + You, who talk of Ancient Fossils, + Tomkins! will be one yourself: + Dons and Men with gibe and sneer your + Ancient crusted ways will view, + Wondering oft with smile superior + What's the use of Things like you! + + All the schemes that win you glory, + Meant to mend our mortal mess-- + These will simply brand you Tory, + Nothing more and nothing less: + You who waked the world from slumber, + You, who shone in Progress' van, + You'll be then a mere Back Number, + Obsolete as good Queen Anne! + + You I see with zeal excessive + Dying then for causes, which + Now (forsooth) you call Progressive, + In reaction's Final Ditch: + By Conservatives in caucus + (Ardent youth, reflect on that!) + Sent to stem the horrid raucous + Clamours of the Democrat . . . + + No: I do not wish to quarrel + With your high exalted sense; + No: there isn't any moral-- + Not of any consequence: + Only, 'neath your exhortations + Passive while we're doomed to sit, + Themes like these conduce to patience,-- + And I thought I'd mention it. + + + + +PAGEANTS + + + My Tityrus! and is't a fact + (As wondrous facts there are) + That History's scenes thou wouldst enact + Beside the banks of Cher? + Wilt thou for pomps like these desert + Thy calm and cloistered lair, + Not quite so young as once thou wert, + Nor (pardon me) so fair? + + We saw thee stalk in youthful prime + With high Proctorial mien: + We saw the majesty sublime + Which marked the Junior Dean; + O pundit grave! O sage M.A.! + Say in what happy part + Thou wilt before the crowd display + Thy histrionic art! + + With cranium bald, which ne'er again + Will need the barber's shear, + Wilt thou present in Charles his train + Some long-locked Cavalier? + A sober Don for all to see + Who once didst walk abroad, + Wilt now an Ancient Briton be + And painted blue with woad? + + Me from such scenes afar remove, + And hide my shuddering head + Where Nature doth in field and grove + Her fairer pageant spread: + There will I meditating lie + 'Mid summer's calm delights,-- + But thou wilt walk adown the High + My Tityrus,--in Tights. . . . + + + + +RULES FOR FICTION + + + A Novelist, whose magic art, + Had plumbed ('twas said) the human heart, + Whom for the penetrative ken + Wherewith he probed the souls of men + The Public and the Public's wife + Declared synonymous with Life,-- + Sat idle, being much perplexed + What Attitude to study next, + Because he would not wholly tell + Which Pose was likeliest to sell. + To him the Muse: "Why seek afar + For things that on the threshold are? + Why thus evolve with care and pain + From your imaginative brain? + Put Artifice upon the shelf,-- + Take pen and ink, and draw--Yourself!" + The author heard: he took the hint: + He photographed himself in print. + His very inmost self he drew. . . . + The critics said, "_This_ Will Not Do. + No more we recognize the art + Which used to plumb the human heart,-- + This suffers from the patent vice + Of being not Art but Artifice. + 'Tis deeply with the fault imbued + Of Inverisimilitude: + He's written out; his skill's forgot: + He only writes to Boil the Pot! + It is not true; it will not wash; + 'Tis mere imaginative Bosh; + And if he can't" (they told him flat) + "Get nearer to the Life than that, + He will not earn the Public's pelf!" + + This happens when you draw Yourself. + Or--I should say--it happens when + Such portraits are essayed by Men: + For presently a Lady came + And did substantially the same. + (Let everyone peruse this sequel + Who dreams that Man is Woman's equal),-- + She with a hand divinely free + Drew what she thought herself to be: + It did not much resemble Her + In moral strength or mental stature-- + Yet did the critics all aver + It simply teemed with Human Nature! + + + + +ART AND LETTERS + + + In that dim and distant aeon + Known as Ante-Mycenaean, + When the proud Pelasgian still + Bounded on his native hill, + And the shy Iberian dwelt + Undisturbed by conquering Celt, + Ere from out their Aryan home + Came the Lords of Greece and Rome, + Somewhere in those ancient spots + Lived a man who painted Pots-- + Painted with an art defective, + Quite devoid of all perspective, + Very crude, and causing doubt + When you tried to make them out, + Men (at least they looked like that), + Beasts that might be dog or cat, + Pictures blue and pictures red, + All that came into his head: + Not that any tale he meant + On the Pots to represent: + Simply 'twas to make them smart, + Simply Decorative Art. + So the seasons onward hied, + And the Painter-person died-- + But the Pot whereon he drew + Still survived as good as new: + Painters come and painters go, + Art remains _in statu quo_. + + When a thousand years (perhaps) + Had proceeded to elapse, + Out of Time's primeval mist + Came an AEtiologist; + He by shrewd and subtle guess + Wrote Descriptive Letterpress, + Setting forth the various causes + For the drawings on the vases, + All the motives, all the plots + Of the painter of the pots, + Entertained the nations with + Fable, Saga, Solar Myth, + Based upon ingenious shots + At the Purpose of the Pots, + Showing ages subsequent + What the painter really meant + (Which, of course, the painter hadn't; + He'd have been extremely saddened + Had he seen his meanings missed + By the AEtiologist). + + Next arrives the Prone to Err + Very ancient Chronicler, + All that mythologic lore + Swallowing whole and wanting more, + Crediting what wholly lacked + All similitude of Fact, + Building on this wondrous basis + All we know of early races; + So the Past as seen by him + Furnished from its chambers dim + Hypothetical foundations + Whence succeeding generations + Built, as on a basis sure, + Branches three of Literature, + Social Systems four (or five), + Two Religions Primitive; + So that one may truly say + (Speaking in a general way) + All the facts and all the knowledge + Taught in School and taught in College, + All the books the printer prints-- + Everything that's happened since-- + Feels the influence of what + Once was drawn upon that Pot, + Plus the curious mental twist + Of that AEtiologist! + + But the Pot that caused the trouble + Lay entombed in earth and rubble, + Left about in various places, + In the way that early races-- + Hittites, Greeks, or Hottentots-- + Used to leave important Pots; + Till at length, to close the list, + Came an Archaeologist, + Came and dug with care and pain, + Came and found the Pot again: + Dug and delved with spade and shovel, + Made a version wholly novel + Of the Potman's old design + (Others none were genuine). + Pots were in a special sense + _Echt-Historisch_ Documents: + All who Error hope to stem + Must begin by studying them; + So the Public (which, he said, + Had been grievously misled) + Must in all things freshly start + From his views of Ancient Art. + All (the learned man proceeded) + Otherwise who thought than he did, + Showed a stupid, base, untrue, + Obscurantist point of view; + Men like these (the sage would say) + Should be wholly swept away; + They, and eke the faults prodigious + Which beset their creeds religious, + Render totally impure + All their so-called Literature, + Lastly, sap to its foundation + All their boasted education,-- + Just because they've quite forgot + What was meant, and what was not, + By the Painter of the Pot! + + * * * * * + + Pots are long and life is fleeting; + Artists, when their subjects treating, + Should be very, very far + Carefuller than now they are. + + + + +THE NOVEL + + + When by efforts literary you might scale the summits airy + Which the eminent in fiction are ascending every day, + Why obscurely crawl and grovel?--I will write (I said) a Novel! + So I started and I planned it in the ordinary way. + + I'd a Heroine--a creature of resplendent form and feature, + With a spell in every motion and a charm in every look: + I'd a Villain--worse than Nero,--I'd a most superior Hero: + And the host of minor persons which is needed in a book: + + Each was drawn from observation: yet was each a pure creation + Which revealed at once the genius of originating mind: + Not a man and not a woman but combined the Broadly Human + With a something quite peculiar of an interesting kind: + + What a wealth of meaning inner in the things they said at dinner! + How their conversation sparkled (like the ripples on the deep), + Half disclosing, half concealing a Profundity of Feeling + Which would move the gay to laughter and incite the grave to weep! + + There they stood in grace and vigour, each imaginary figure, + Each a masterpiece of drawing for the world to wonder at: + There was really nothing more I had to find but just the story, + Nothing more, but just the story--but I couldn't think of that. + + Yet (I cried), in other writers, how the lovers and the fighters + Are conducted through the mazes of a complicated plan,-- + How the incidents are planted just precisely where they're wanted-- + How the man invites the moment, and the moment finds the man! + + How a Barrie or a Kipling guides the maiden and the stripling + Till they're ultimately landed in the matrimonial state,-- + And they die, or else they marry (in a Kipling or a Barrie) + Just as if the thing was ordered by unalterable Fate,-- + + While with me, alas! to balance my innumerable talents, + There's a fatal imperfection and a melancholy blot: + All the forms of my creating stand continually waiting + For a charitable person to provide them with a Plot! + + Still I put the endless query why I wander lone and dreary + (Barred from Eden like the Peri) minus fame and minus fee, + Why the idols of the masses have an entree to Parnassus, + While a want of mere invention is an obstacle to me! + + + + +FRAGMENT OF A JARGONIAD + + + Arise, my _Muse_, and ply th' extended Wing! + It is of Language that I mean to sing. + Thou mighty Medium, potent to convey + The clearest Notions in the darkest Way, + Diffus'd by thee, what Depth of verbal Mist + Veils now the Realist, now th' Idealist! + Our mental Processes more complex grow + Than those our Sires were privileged to know. + In Ages old, ere Time Instruction brought, + A Thought or Thing was but a Thing or Thought: + Such simple Names are now forever gone-- + A Concept this, that a Noumenon: + As _Cambria's_ Sons their Pride of Race increase + By joining _Ap_ to _Evan_, _Jones_, or _Rees_, + A prouder Halo decks the Sage's Brow, + Perceptive once, he's Apperceptive now! + Here sits Mentality (that erst was Mind), + By correlated Entities defin'd: + Here Monads lone Duality express + In bright Immediacy of Consciousness: + O who shall say what Obstacles deter + The Youth who'd fain commence Philosopher! + The painful Public with bewilder'd Brain + For Metaphysic pants, but pants in vain: + Too hard the Names, too weighty far the Load: + Language forbids, and _Br-dl-y_ blocks the Road. + From Themes like these I willingly depart, + And pass (discursive) to the Realms of Art. + Ye _Muses_ nine! what Phrases ye employ, + What wondrous Terms t' express aesthetic Joy! + As once in Years ere _Babel's_ Turrets rose + Contented Nations talk'd the self-same Prose: + As early _Christians_ in the Days of Yore + Took what they wanted from a common Store: + So different Arts th' astonished Reader sees + Pool all their Terms, then choose whate'er they please. + 'Mid critick Crews (where Intellect abounds) + Sound sings in Colours, Colours shine in Sounds: + When mimick Groves _Apelles_ decks with green, + Or _Zeuxis_ limns the vespertinal Scene, + _Staccato Tints_ delight th' auscultant Eye + And soft _Andantes_ paint the conscious Sky: + Nor less, when Musick holds the list'ning Throng, + How crisply lucent glows th' entrancing Song! + Each loud _Sonata_ boasts its lively Hue, + And _Fugues_ are red, and _Symphonies_ are blue. + Not mine to deem your Epithets misplac'd, + Ye learned Arbiters of publick Taste! + Yet such th' Effect on merely human Wit, + That _Esperanto_ is a Joke to it. + + Hail, Terminology! celestial Maid! + Portress of Science, Guide to Art and Trade! + I see Democracy--an ardent Band + Who fain would read yet wish to understand-- + Compell'd that Goal in alien Tongues to seek, + Fly for Relief to _Necessary Greek_, + Claim as their Right (advised by _Mr. Snow_) + The sweet Simplicity of [Greek text],-- + While Dons con English till they're pale and lean, + And Candidates in _Mods_ do English for Unseen! + + + + +THE PUPILS' POINT OF VIEW + + + Relate, my Muse, the fame of him + Whose calling and peculiar mission + It was to wage with courage grim + A battle 'gainst effete Tradition! + When Movements moved, with holy zest + He scaled the breach and led the stormers,-- + And was among the first and best + Of Educational Reformers. + + He saw the Boy at Public Schools + Regard his books with fear and loathing, + From Latin's arbitrary rules + Deriving practically nothing:-- + He said,--"O bounding human Boys, + Of all the fare whereon you batten, + What chiefly mars your simple joys?" + With one accord they answered "Latin!" + + "Exactly so," th' Inquirer cried, + "This is the lore which cramps and stunts us; + O how can pedagogues abide + A course that makes their pupils dunces? + Since with the rules of Latin Prose + They can't be brought to yield compliance, + This Fact conclusively it shows-- + They've all a natural bent for Science!" + + They sought for Scientific Truth, + And pedagogues with books and birches + Guided the faltering steps of Youth + In biological researches: + The infant in his nurse's care + In Science' terms was taught to stammer: + They practised vivisection where + They used to cut their Latin grammar; + + 'Twas all in vain--the Human Boy + Remained unalterably chilly: + Still less than Virgil's tale of Troy + He liked compulsory bacilli! + Much grieved the Zealot was thereat:-- + "We'll try," he said, "a course of Spelling" . . . + But O, the way they hated that + Quite overcomes my power of telling! + + "There must be ways," the good man said, + "(Though hitherto perhaps we've missed 'em) + Of putting things within the head: + We've something wrong about the System:" + And musing on the sacred flame + Of Genius, and the cause that hid it, + He unto this conclusion came-- + COMPULSION was the thing that did it. + + "Within the Boy's aspiring brain + For Study still there lies a craving, + And what is won against the grain + Is never really worth the having; + This boasted Categorical + Imperative is clearly vicious,-- + Pastors and masters, one and all, + Must ascertain their pupils' wishes!" + + And now those simple human Boys,-- + All, to a boy, for Culture yearning,-- + No pedagogues with idle noise + Impede upon the path of Learning:-- + Released from books and teachers both, + No intellectual pastures feed 'em; + And, if they lose in mental growth, + Think how they gain in moral freedom! + + + + +HINTS FOR THE TRANSACTION OF PUBLIC BUSINESS + + + _Of a Cheerful Hope_. + + Whene'er you do to Meetings go, as many such there be + (And few and far those persons are who home return to tea), + Then take with you this principle, to cheer you on your way-- + The less there is to talk about, the more there is to say. + + _Of an Exordium_. + + Consult your hearers' happiness, and state for their relief + That you'll avoid prolixity and study to be brief: + For if you can't be brief at once, 'twill comfort them to know + That you'll arrive at brevity in half an hour or so. + + _Of Obedience to Rule_. + + Should e'er the Chairman censure you, as Chairmen oft will do, + And tell you that you miss the point, and bid you keep thereto, + (Though points are things, by Euclid's law, that always must be + missed-- + They have no parts or magnitude, and therefore don't exist)-- + Obey at once the Chairman's hest (because, as you're aware, + It is a most improper thing to argue with the Chair), + Accept his ruling patiently, without superfluous fuss, + And state the things you _might_ have said--unless he'd ruled it thus. + + _Of a Peroration_. + + And when you've spent your arguments yet somehow still go on + (It shows a want of enterprise to stop because you've done), + Don't search about for topics new or vex your weary brain, + But take what someone else has said and say it all again. + + _Of Impartiality_. + + And when at last your speech is o'er, be careful if you can + That none may hint--a horrid charge--that you're a Party Man: + So speak for this and speak for that as blithely as you may, + But keep your mental balance true, and + Vote the other Way. + + + + +EQUALITY OF OPPORTUNITY + + + Two youths there were in days of yore + Called Jones and Robinson. + Jones had abilities galore, + While Robinson had none. + + They met with corresponding fates: + And Jones, that genius proud, + Obtained in time a First in Greats: + While Robinson was ploughed. + + Jones hoped that mental gifts like his + Might gain a Fellowship: + But ah! full many a slip there is + Between the cup and lip: + + "You have a brain," the College said, + "Which unassisted soars: + 'Tis not for Colleges to aid + Abilities like yours! + + Go--wealth awaits your gathering hand, + And empires crave your rule! + But Fellowships like ours are planned + To help the helpless fool." + + He tried the Press: he tried the Bar: + But still the Bar and Press + Said, "Not for him our openings are + Whose gifts ensure success: + + Such posts are meant ('tis justice plain) + For those unhappy chaps + (Like Robinson) whom lack of brain + Unfairly handicaps!" + + And now--yet check the rising tear: + It seems that long ago + Those Founders whom we all revere + Meant it to happen so-- + + Some lack of necessary food, + All in a garret lone, + Has ended Jones. I thought it would. + But Robinson's a DON. + + + + +UNIVERSITY COMMISSIONS + + + BY LAMBDA MINUS + + A rumour and rumbling volcanic + Is heard in the Radical Press, + And Presidents tremble in panic + And Wardens their terrors confess: + How each with anxiety shivers, + The Dean with his fines and his gates, + The ruffian who ragged me in Divvers, + The pedant who ploughed me in Greats! + + The doctrines degrading they taught, and + The Progress they nipped in the bud: + The things that they did when they oughtn't + And failed to perform when they should: + The Questions prevented from burning, + The Movements forbidden to move, + Recoil on their centres of learning, + Their Parks and the System thereof! + + Afar will Democracy chase it, + That gang of impenitent Dons + Who drowned the occasional Placet + By bawling their truculent Nons: + No idle and opulent College + Will feed that obstructionist clique, + Those scoffers at Practical Knowledge + Who vote for compulsory Greek. + + And now when the Party of Labour, + Asserting its virtuous sway, + Annexes the wealth of its neighbour + In Labour's traditional way,-- + When purged of its various abuses + By Birrell's beneficent rule, + This haunt of the obsolete Muses + Is changed to a charity school,-- + + When Fellows and bloated Professors + Their stipends are forced to disgorge, + (Obeying the fiat of Messrs. + Keir Hardie and Burns and Lloyd George) + Deprived by the wrath of the Nation + Of all their unmerited aids, + Perhaps to escape from starvation + They'll take to respectable trades! + + O wholly delectable vision! + I view with excusable glee + The fate of the shallow precisian + Who failed to appreciate Me;-- + I fancy I see myself tossing + With blandly contemptuous mien + A penny for sweeping a crossing + To him who was formerly Dean! + + + + +DIPLOMAS IN ARCHITECTURE AT CAMBRIDGE + + +("Education differs from technical training."--Expert opinion in a letter +to the _Times_.) + + Not in vain with quaint devices + Infants of the age of four + Build their mimic edifices + All upon the nursery floor; + Neither is the presage missed + By the Educationist, + When he doth the fact recall + How that Balbus built a wall! + + Thus I mused on such-like theses, + While my errant fancy swam + Through the circumambient breezes + To the silver streams of Cam,-- + There observed with pleased surprise + Ancient Universities + Still in touch at every stage + With the Progress of the Age; + + There, released from sloth and coma + (Alma Mater's chief defect), + There they grant a new Diploma + To the budding Architect, + Take the blighted Builder's art + To their academic heart, + Hope it may in time become + Part of their curriculum: + + There they tell their College Porters + Not to think it strange or odd + When a load of bricks and mortar's + Dumped within the College quad; + No indignant Tutor hauls + Him who scales the College walls,-- + Plying on that airy perch + Architectural Research! + + Thus I sang: I seemed to see an + Epoch made, the Future's guide; + But my glad exultant paean + Was not wholly justified: + Men whose names we all revere, + Stars in Architecture's sphere, + Phrases used which don't imply + Any genuine sympathy: + + Ch---mpn---ys, Bl---mfield, T. G. J---cks---n, + Hushed my lyre's triumphant string-- + Said in limpid Anglo-Saxon + What they thought about the thing: + "Seats of learning are designed + For to Educate the Mind, + Not to teach a craft or trade," + _That_ was what these persons said! + + What! and must a thwarted Nation + Draw the obvious inference? + What! a Liberal Education + Doesn't mean the quest of pence? + (Really, this extremely crude + Obscurantist attitude + Isn't quite what one expects + From distinguished Architects!) + + Here's another dear illusion + Reft away and wholly gone: + O the spiritual confusion + Of the pained progressive Don! + If the facts are quite correct + As regards the Architect, + Comes the question, plain and clear, + _How about the Engineer_? + + + + +ICHABOD: A MONODY + + + Now is the time when everything is glad, + Their vernal greenery the fields renew, + Each feathered songster chants with livelier tone, + And lambkins leap and cloudless skies are blue, + And all is gay and cheerful:--I alone + Am singularly sad; + Mine erstwhile happiness and calm content + Yields to a sense of sorrowful surprise: + Things that I thought were thus, are otherwise: + And all is grief, and disillusionment. + + For He, who did in everything surpass + Our common world,--the Good, the Truly Great, + The Working Man, who shamed with standards high + Our obscurantists unregenerate,-- + Is not, 'twould seem, better than you, or I, + Or any other ass: + The vision's faded, as a snowflake melts; + Fallen is that idol from his high renown: + He hath waxed fat, and kicked, and tumbled down, + And we must seek ensamples somewhere else! + + Where is it, Comrades! in this direful day-- + That noble zeal for academic lore, + That reverence due for discipline, in which + He used to shine conspicuously o'er + The Brainless Athlete and the Idle Rich? + O, does he now display + That ample breadth of calm impartial view, + That sober judgment and that balanced mind, + Which we were taught that we should always find, + O R---skin College, domiciled in you? + + I have a Pupil: when his mental food + Fails (as it will) his appetite to sate, + What! does that patient much-enduring elf + Proclaim a strike? set pickets at my gate? + Boycott my lectures? give them for himself? + (Full oft I wish he would:) + Nay--when he finds those lectures dull and flat, + He asks no other: new ones might be worse: + Too well he knows that Cosmos' ordered course + Meant him to hear, and me to talk like that. + + Also I own I'm disappointed by + Your friends and patrons, British Working Man! + For they, methought, were champions of the Cause, + Fighters for Freedom, foremost in the van, + Not servile scruplers, bound by rules and laws, + Not men who dealt in dry + Respectable traditions: leaders true, + No timid Moderates, who would define + Too strict a boundary 'twixt Mine and Thine, + Potential martyrs, heart and soul with you:-- + + 'Twas all illusion: they would feed you with + Mere talks on Temperance: when your spirit's wings + Would soar to Sociology alone, + Whereby will come that blessed state of things + When none has property to call his own, + They give you--Adam Smith . . . + These too are fall'n: ah me, that I should live + To hear our brightest Radicals and best + By angry Labour in such terms addressed + As might apply to a Conservative! + + To this conclusion I perforce must come, + 'Twere best we parted: seeing that we, 'twould seem, + Haply have no appreciation of + Your high ambitions and your aims supreme, + Nor can we hope that you should greatly love + Our mental pabulum: + Depart, O Comrades! to some happier sphere + Where you can still be nobly on the make, + And mine, or plumb, or brew, or butch, or bake,-- + Best to depart, and leave us mouldering here! + + Yea, if ye scorn our learning overmuch, + Misguided sons of horny-handed toil! + Yet discontented with your lowly lot + Still pine to burn the sad nocturnal oil + 'Mid academic culture, or 'mid what + Describes itself as such-- + Go elsewhere, O my brothers! only go + To Bath, to Birmingham--where'er the Don + Teaches the sacred art of Getting On,---- + --It is not far from here to Jericho. + + + + +THE PANACEA + + + It is Research of which I sing, + Research, that salutary thing! + None can succeed, in World or Church, + Who does not prosecute Research: + For some read books, and toil thereat + Their intellect to waken: + But if you think Research is _that_ + You're very much mistaken. + + All in Columbia's blessed States + They have no Smalls, or Mods, or Greats, + Nor do their faculties benumb + With any cold curriculum: + O no! for there the ambitious Boy, + Released from schools and birches, + At once pursues with studious joy + Original Researches: + + A happy lot that Student's is, + --I wish that mine were like to his,-- + Where in the bud no pedants nip + His Services to Scholarship: + And none need read with care and pain + Rome's History, or Greece's, + But each from his creative brain + Evolves semestrial Theses! + + On books to pore is not the kind + Of thing to please the serious mind,-- + I do not very greatly care + For such unsatisfying fare: + To seek the lore that in them lurks + Would last _ad infinitum_: + Let others read immortal works,-- + I much prefer to write 'em! + + + + +THE HEROIC AGE + + + When I ponder o'er the pages of the old romantic ages, ere the world + grew cold and gray, + When there wasn't a relation between Oxford and the Nation, or a + Movement every day, + How I marvel at the glamour (in these duller days and tamer) which + informed those scenes of glee, + At the glamour and the glory of contemporary story, and the Eights as + they used to be! + + It is obvious that the weather must have differed altogether from the + kind that now we know: + I arise from reading Fiction with the permanent conviction that it did + not hail, nor snow: + For each fair and youthful charmer had a summer sun to warm her and a + bran new frock and hat,-- + In the progress of the lustres, when the crowd of Fashion musters it + has grown too wise for that. + + Every boat from keel to rigger was a grand ideal figure as it skimmed + those Wavelets Blue, + While the Heroes who propelled 'em were comparatively seldom of a + commonplace type, like you-- + In their strength and in their science they were positively giants, + through the gorgeous days of old, + Still an Admirable Crichton in those _lieben alten Zeiten_ was the + oarsman brave and bold: + + He could row devoid of training, and (it hardly needs explaining) got + a quite unique degree: + With his blushing honours laden, he espoused a lovely maiden at the + end of Volume Three: + This alone he had to grieve for--that he'd nothing more to live for, + or expect from Fortune's whim: + For I never could discover, when his Oxford days were over, what the + world could hold for him! + + O the rapture singlehearted of that Period has departed, with its + views ornate of Man, + And I think it won't come back till we restore the Pterodactyl, or + revive the late Queen Anne: + We have grown in mental stature, and we Go Direct to Nature, in these + days of stress and strife, + And the hero of a novel in a palace or a hovel is intolerably True to + Life:-- + + Not an infant learns to toddle but EFFICIENCY'S his model, which he + still pursues with rage, + In a manner inconsistent with the methods dim and distant of that + mid-Victorian age: + For that atmosphere Elysian it has faded from our vision and has gone + where the old tales go, + And I really don't know whether I regret altogether--but the simple + fact is so. + + + + +MAKERS OF HISTORY + + + Minstrels! who your choicest notes + Keep for men who row in boats, + Mark with what exalted mien + Comes the Hero of the Scene! + He, amid the festal swarm, + Fashion's glass and mould of form, + How in shape and how in features + Far surpassing other creatures, + How incomparable to + Common things like me and you! + He in whose transcendent state + All the ages culminate-- + Could we ever keep him thus, + How delightful 'twere for us! + Could he, 'mid the admiring throng, + Ever beauteous, ever young, + Still abide for ever pent + In his true environment, + Wear that aureole still which now + Decks his high victorious brow! + Out, alas! that Fortune can't + Ever give us what we want! + HE must quit this vernal stage: + HE must sink to middle age + (E'en the Poet's soaring wit + Scarcely can envisage it): + Go with men of common clay + In to business every day: + Be perhaps a Brewer, or + Haply a Solicitor,-- + None the fact to notice that + Haloes once adorned his hat: + Ay! the ways of Fate are odd: + Men are mortal . . . Ichabod . . . + + * * * * * + + Yet shall stay by stream and tree + Something still of what was He,-- + Plainly put, his More or Less + Immaterial Consciousness,-- + Very fine and very large, + Floating o'er his College barge: + Always while the world continues + Bards shall sing his thews and sinews,-- + Here he rowed and here he ran, + Being rather more than man;-- + Thus as ages onward go + Still he'll great and greater grow, + Larger still in prose or rhyme + Looming down the aisles of time, + Till he sit, sublime and vast, + 'Mid the Giants of the Past, + Men who lived in days of old + (Ch-tty, W- -dg-te, N-ck-lls, G-ld), + Lived and rowed in ages dark + Long ere Noah built the Ark, + Very, very famous oars, + Mighty men in Eights and Fours, + Towering o'er our Browns and Smiths + Huge and grey, like Monoliths. + + Thus the Hero's happy fate + Keeps in store a blissful state, + All adown the Future dim, + Nearly worthy e'en of Him! + + + + +ALMA MATER FILIO + + + Dear Youth! whose wealth and lineage high + Each outward sign denotes, + The highly fashionable tie, + The latest thing in coats-- + Imprinted on whose candid brow + No gazer could detect + (As e'en your enemies allow) + The Pride of Intellect-- + + Who, 'spite your want of mental scope + And lack of Serious Aim, + Still left us, as we dared to hope, + More pensive than you came, + And thus at least, while critics vied + In pointing out our flaws, + For our continuance supplied + A kind of Final Cause:-- + + Your part is played, your turn is o'er: + Prepare to quit the stage: + It seems you're not the person for + The Spirit of the Age: + Though high your birth, though large your means, + I see--'tis sad, but true-- + Soon, 'mid these academic scenes, + No corner left for you! + + Ah! what avail the things that went + To build your prosperous lot, + The ample cash, the long descent, + The athlete's frequent pot, + The waistcoat bright of ardent red + Or fascinating green, + The social charm that captive led + The Provost, and the Dean? + + I see the Cherwell's peaceful flood, + I see the courts of King's + Invaded by a student brood + Which knows all kinds of things-- + A crowd with high desires replete, + Whose recreations are + To sit at Professorial feet + And join a Seminar: + + Bright Butterfly! your haunts of old + Are tenanted by men + Who realise what studies mould + Th' Efficient Citizen . . . + These shall alone the blessings know + Of Isis and of Cam, + And You (I'm sure 'tis better so) + Will go to--Birmingham! + + + + +IN MEMORIAM EXAMINATORIS CUIUSDAM + + + Lo, where yon undistinguished grave + Erects its grassy pile on + One who to all Experience gave + An Alpha or Epsilon! + + The world and eke the world's content, + And all therein that passes, + With marks numerical (per cent.) + He did dispose in classes: + + Not his to ape the critic crew + Which vulgarly appraises + The Good, the Beautiful, the True + In literary phrases: + + He did his estimate express + In terms precise and weighty,-- + And Vice got 25 (or less,) + While Virtue rose to 80. + + Now hath he closed his earthly lot + All in his final haven,-- + (And be the stone that marks the spot + _On one side only_ graven,) + + Bring papers on his grave to strew + Amid the grass and clover, + And plant thereby that pencil blue + Wherewith he looked them over! + + There, freed from every human ill + And fleshly trammels gross, he + Lies in his resting-place until + The final Viva Voce: + + So let him rest till crack of doom + Of mortal tasks aweary,-- + And nothing write upon his tomb + Save [Greek text: beta]--(?). + + THE END + + * * * * * + + PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED, LONDON AND BECCLES. + + + + +Footnotes: + + +{24} 1897 + +{77} 1900. + + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CASUAL WARD*** + + +******* This file should be named 30690.txt or 30690.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/0/6/9/30690 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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