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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/31282-h.zip b/31282-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ce11211 --- /dev/null +++ b/31282-h.zip diff --git a/31282-h/31282-h.htm b/31282-h/31282-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..983a7c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/31282-h/31282-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1359 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Mars Confidential!, by Jack Lait & Lee Mortimer </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; background-color: #FFFFFF; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; +} + +.tr {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; margin-top: 5%; margin-bottom: 5%; padding: 2em; background-color: #f6f2f2; color: black; border: dotted black 1px;} + +.img1 {border:solid 1px; } + + +.blockquot { + margin-left: 5%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + +.center {text-align: center;} + +.caption {font-weight: bold; font-size:smaller;} + +/* Images */ +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +.figright { + float: right; + clear: right; + margin-left: 1em; + margin-bottom: + 1em; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-right: 0; + padding: 0; + text-align: center; +} + +/* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +Project Gutenberg's Mars Confidential, by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mars Confidential + +Author: Jack Lait + Lee Mortimer + +Illustrator: L.R. Summers + +Release Date: February 15, 2010 [EBook #31282] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARS CONFIDENTIAL *** + + + + +Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="tr"><p class="center">Transcriber's Note:</p> +<p class="center">This etext was produced from Amazing Stories April-May 1953. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.</p></div> +<p> </p> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="400" height="559" alt="" title="" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img class="img1" src="images/image_001.jpg" width="600" height="289" alt="" title="" /> +</div> +<p> </p> +<h1>MARS CONFIDENTIAL!</h1> +<p> </p> +<h2>Jack Lait & Lee Mortimer</h2> +<p> </p> +<h3><i>Illustrator</i>: L. R. Summers</h3> +<p> </p> +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Here is history's biggest news scoop! Those intrepid +reporters Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer, whose best-selling +exposes of life's seamy side from New York to Medicine Hat +have made them famous, here strip away the veil of millions +of miles to bring you the lowdown on our sister planet. It +is an amazing account of vice and violence, of virtues and +victims, told in vivid, jet-speed style.</i></p> + +<p><i>Here you'll learn why Mars is called the Red Planet, the +part the Mafia plays in her undoing, the rape and rapine +that has made this heavenly body the cesspool of the +Universe. In other words, this is Mars—Confidential!</i></p></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p>P-s-s-s-s-t!</p> + +<p>HERE WE GO AGAIN—Confidential.</p> + +<p>We turned New York inside out. We turned Chicago upside down. In +Washington we turned the insiders out and the outsiders in. The howls +can still be heard since we dissected the U.S.A.</p> + +<p>But Mars was our toughest task of spectroscoping. The cab drivers +spoke a different language and the bell-hops couldn't read our +currency. Yet, we think we have X-rayed the dizziest—and this may +amaze you—the dirtiest planet in the solar system. Beside it, the +Earth is as white as the Moon, and Chicago is as peaceful as the Milky +Way.</p> + +<p>By the time we went through Mars—its canals, its caves, its +satellites and its catacombs—we knew more about it than anyone who +lives there.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/image_002.jpg" width="400" height="538" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>We make no attempt to be comprehensive. We have no hope or aim to make +Mars a better place in which to live; in fact, we don't give a damn +what kind of a place it is to live in.</p> + +<p>This will be the story of a planet that could have been another proud +and majestic sun with a solar system of its own; it ended up, instead, +in the comic books and the pulp magazines.</p> + +<p>We give you MARS CONFIDENTIAL!</p> + + +<h4>I</h4> + +<h4>THE LOWDOWN CONFIDENTIAL</h4> + +<p>Before the space ship which brings the arriving traveler lands at the +Martian National Airport, it swoops gracefully over the nearby city in +a salute. The narrow ribbons, laid out in geometric order, gradually +grow wider until the water in these man-made rivers becomes crystal +clear and sparkles in the reflection of the sun.</p> + +<p>As Mars comes closer, the visitor from Earth quickly realizes it has a +manner and a glamor of its own; it is unworldy, it is out of this +world. It is not the air of distinction one finds in New York or +London or Paris. The Martian feeling is dreamlike; it comes from being +close to the stuff dreams are made of.</p> + +<p>However, after the sojourner lands, he discovers that Mars is not much +different than the planet he left; indeed, men are pretty much the +same all over the universe, whether they carry their plumbing inside +or outside their bodies.</p> + +<p>As we unfold the rates of crime, vice, sex irregularities, graft, +cheap gambling, drunkenness, rowdyism and rackets, you will get, +thrown on a large screen, a peep show you never saw on your TV during +the science-fiction hour.</p> + +<p>Each day the Earth man spends on Mars makes him feel more at home; +thus, it comes as no surprise to the initiated that even here, at +least 35,000,000 miles away from Times Square, there are hoodlums who +talk out of the sides of their mouths and drive expensive convertibles +with white-walled tires and yellow-haired frails. For the Mafia, the +dread Black Hand, is in business here—tied up with the +subversives—and neither the Martian Committee for the Investigation +of Crime and Vice, nor the Un-Martian Activities Committee, can dent +it more than the Kefauver Committee did on Earth, which is practically +less than nothing.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>This is the first time this story has been printed. We were offered +four trillion dollars in bribes to hold it up; our lives were +threatened and we were shot at with death ray guns.</p> + +<p>We got this one night on the fourth bench in Central Park, where we +met by appointment a man who phoned us earlier but refused to tell his +name. When we took one look at him we did not ask for his credentials, +we just knew he came from Mars.</p> + +<p>This is what he told us:</p> + +<p>Shortly after the end of World War II, a syndicate composed of +underworld big-shots from Chicago, Detroit and Greenpoint planned to +build a new Las Vegas in the Nevada desert. This was to be a plush +project for big spenders, with Vegas and Reno reserved for the +hoi-polloi.</p> + +<p>There was to be service by a private airline. It would be so +ultra-ultra that suckers with only a million would be thumbed away and +guys with two million would have to come in through the back door.</p> + +<p>The Mafia sent a couple of front men to explore the desert. Somewhere +out beyond the atom project they stumbled on what seemed to be the +answer to their prayer.</p> + +<p>It was a huge, mausoleum-like structure, standing alone in the desert +hundreds of miles from nowhere, unique, exclusive and mysterious. The +prospectors assumed it was the last remnant of some fabulous and +long-dead ghost-mining town.</p> + +<p>The entire population consisted of one, a little duffer with a white +goatee and thick lensed spectacles, wearing boots, chaps and a silk +hat.</p> + +<p>"This your place, bud?" one of the hoods asked.</p> + +<p>When he signified it was, the boys bought it. The price was +agreeable—after they pulled a wicked-looking rod.</p> + +<p>Then the money guys came to look over their purchase. They couldn't +make head or tail of it, and you can hardly blame them, because inside +the great structure they found a huge contraption that looked like a +cigar (Havana Perfecto) standing on end.</p> + +<p>"What the hell is this," they asked the character in the opera hat, in +what is known as a menacing attitude.</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>The old pappy guy offered to show them. He escorted them into the +cigar, pressed a button here and there, and before you could say "Al +Capone" the roof of the shed slid back and they began to move upward +at a terrific rate of speed.</p> + +<p>Three or four of the Mafia chieftains were old hop-heads and felt at +home. In fact, one of them remarked, "Boy, are we gone." And he was +right.</p> + +<p>The soberer Mafistas, after recovering from their first shock, laid +ungentle fists on their conductor. "What goes on?" he was asked.</p> + +<p>"This is a space ship and we are headed for Mars."</p> + +<p>"What's Mars?"</p> + +<p>"A planet up in space, loaded with gold and diamonds."</p> + +<p>"Any bims there?"</p> + +<p>"I beg your pardon, sir. What are bims?"</p> + +<p>"Get a load of this dope. He never heard of bims. Babes, broads, +frails, pigeons, ribs—catch on?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, I assume you mean girls. There must be, otherwise what are the +diamonds for?"</p> + +<p>The outward trip took a week, but it was spent pleasantly. During that +time, the Miami delegation cleaned out Chicago, New York and +Pittsburgh in a klabiash game.</p> + +<p>The hop back, for various reasons, took a little longer. One reason +may have been the condition of the crew. On the return the boys from +Brooklyn were primed to the ears with <i>zorkle</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Zorkle</i> is a Martian medicinal distillation, made from the milk of +the <i>schznoogle</i>—a six-legged cow, seldom milked because few Martians +can run fast enough to catch one. <i>Zorkle</i> is strong enough to rip +steel plates out of battleships, but to stomachs accustomed to the +stuff sold in Flatbush, it acted like a gentle stimulant.</p> + +<p>Upon their safe landing in Nevada, the Columbuses of this first flight +to Mars put in long-distance calls to all the other important hoods in +the country.</p> + +<p>The Crime Cartel met in Cleveland—in the third floor front of a +tenement on Mayfield Road. The purpose of the meeting was to "cut up" +Mars.</p> + +<p>Considerable dissension arose over the bookmaking facilities, when it +was learned that the radioactive surface of the planet made it +unnecessary to send scratches and results by wire. On the contrary, +the steel-shod hooves of the animals set up a current which carried +into every pool room, without a pay-off to the wire service.</p> + +<p>The final division found the apportionment as follows:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>New York mob</i>: Real estate and investments (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Chicago mob</i>: Bookmaking and liquor (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Brooklyn mob</i>: Protection and assassinations</p> + +<p><i>Jersey mob</i>: Numbers (if any) and craps (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Los Angeles mob</i>: Girls (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Galveston and New Orleans mobs</i>: Dope (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Cleveland mob</i>: Casinos (if any)</p> + +<p><i>Detroit mob</i>: Summer resorts (if any)</p></div> + +<p>The Detroit boys, incidentally, burned up when they learned the +Martian year is twice as long as ours, consequently it takes two years +for one summer to roll around.</p> + +<p>After the summary demise of three Grand Councilors whose deaths were +recorded by the press as occurring from "natural causes," the other +major and minor mobs were declared in as partners.</p> + +<p>The first problem to be ironed out was how to speed up transportation; +and failing that, to construct spacious space ships which would +attract pleasure-bent trade from <i>Terra</i>—Earth to you—with such +innovations as roulette wheels, steam rooms, cocktail lounges, double +rooms with hot and cold babes, and other such inducements.</p> + + +<h4>II</h4> + +<h4>THE INSIDE STUFF CONFIDENTIAL</h4> + +<p>Remember, you got this first from Lait and Mortimer. And we defy +anyone to call us liars—and prove it!</p> + +<p>Only chumps bring babes with them to Mars. The temperature is a little +colder there than on Earth and the air a little thinner. So Terra +dames complain one mink coat doesn't keep them warm; they need two.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, the gravity is considerably less than on Earth. +Therefore, even the heaviest bim weighs less and can be pushed over +with the greatest of ease.</p> + +<p>However, the boys soon discovered that the lighter gravity played +havoc with the marijuana trade. With a slight tensing of the muscles +you can jump 20 feet, so why smoke "tea" when you can fly like crazy +for nothing?</p> + +<p>Martian women are bags, so perhaps you had better disregard the +injunction above and bring your own, even if it means two furs.</p> + +<p>Did you ever see an Alaska <i>klutch</i> (pronounced klootch)? Probably +not. Well, these Arctic horrors are Ziegfeld beauts compared to the +Martian fair sex.</p> + +<p>They slouch with knees bent and knuckles brushing the ground, and if +Ringling Bros, is looking for a mate for Gargantua, here is where to +find her. Yet, their manner is habitually timid, as though they've +been given a hard time. From the look in their deep-set eyes they seem +to fear abduction or rape; but not even the zoot-suited goons from +Greenpernt gave them a second tumble.</p> + +<p>The visiting Mafia delegation was naturally disappointed at this state +of affairs. They had been led to believe by the little guy who +escorted them that all Martian dames resembled Marilyn Monroe, only +more so, and the men were Adonises (and not Joe).</p> + +<p>Seems they once were, at that. This was a couple of aeons ago when +Earthmen looked like Martians do now, which seems to indicate that +Martians, as well as Men, have their ups and downs.</p> + +<p>The citizens of the planet are apparently about halfway down the +toboggan. They wear clothes, but they're not handstitched. Their +neckties don't come from Sulka. No self-respecting goon from Gowanus +would care to be seen in their company.</p> + +<p>The females always appear in public fully clothed, which doesn't help +them either. But covering their faces would. They buy their dresses at +a place called Kress-Worth and look like Paris <i>nouveau riche</i>.</p> + +<p>There are four separate nations there, though nation is hardly the +word. It is more accurate to say there are four separate clans that +don't like each other, though how they can tell the difference is +beyond us. They are known as the East Side, West Side, North Side and +Gas House gangs.</p> + +<p>Each stays in its own back-yard. Periodic wars are fought, a few +thousand of the enemy are dissolved with ray guns, after which the +factions retire by common consent and throw a banquet at which the +losing country is forced to take the wives of the visitors, which is a +twist not yet thought of on Earth.</p> + +<p>Martian language is unlike anything ever heard below. It would baffle +the keenest linguist, if the keenest linguist ever gets to Mars. +However, the Mafia, which is a world-wide blood brotherhood with +colonies in every land and clime, has a universal language. Knives and +brass knucks are understood everywhere.</p> + +<p>The Martian lingo seems to be somewhat similar to Chinese. It's not +what they say, but how they say it. For instance, <i>psonqule</i> may mean +"I love you" or "you dirty son-of-a-bitch."</p> + +<p>The Mafistas soon learned to translate what the natives were saying by +watching the squint in their eyes. When they spoke with a certain +expression, the mobsters let go with 45s, which, however, merely have +a stunning effect on the gent on the receiving end because of the +lesser gravity.</p> + +<p>On the other hand, the Martian death ray guns were not fatal to the +toughs from Earth; anyone who can live through St. Valentine's Day in +Chicago can live through anything. So it came out a dead heat.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the boys from the Syndicate sat down and declared the +Martians in for a fifty-fifty partnership, which means they actually +gave them one per cent, which is generous at that.</p> + +<p>Never having had the great advantages of a New Deal, the Martians are +still backward and use gold as a means of exchange. With no Harvard +bigdomes to tell them gold is a thing of the past, the yellow metal +circulates there as freely and easily as we once kicked pennies around +before they became extinct here.</p> + +<p>The Mafistas quickly set the Martians right about the futility of +gold. They eagerly turned it over to the Earthmen in exchange for +green certificates with pretty pictures engraved thereon.</p> + + +<h4>III</h4> + +<h4>RACKETS VIA ROCKETS</h4> + +<p>Gold, platinum, diamonds and other precious stuff are as plentiful on +Mars as hayfever is on Earth in August.</p> + +<p>When the gangsters lamped the loot, their greedy eyes and greasy +fingers twitched, and when a hood's eyes and fingers twitch, watch +out; something is twitching.</p> + +<p>The locals were completely honest. They were too dumb to be thieves. +The natives were not acquisitive. Why should they be when gold was so +common it had no value, and a neighbor's wife so ugly no one would +covet her?</p> + +<p>This was a desperate situation, indeed, until one of the boys from +East St. Louis uttered the eternal truth: "There ain't no honest man +who ain't a crook, and why should Mars be any different?"</p> + +<p>The difficulty was finding the means and method of corruption. All the +cash in Jake Guzik's strong box meant nothing to a race of characters +whose brats made mudpies of gold dust.</p> + +<p>The discovery came as an accident.</p> + +<p>The first Earthman to be eliminated on Mars was a two-bit hood from +North Clark Street who sold a five-cent Hershey bar with almonds to a +Martian for a gold piece worth 94 bucks.</p> + +<p>The man from Mars bit the candy bar. The hood bit the gold piece.</p> + +<p>Then the Martian picked up a rock and beaned the lad from the Windy +City. After which the Martian's eyes dilated and he let out a scream. +Then he attacked the first Martian female who passed by. Never before +had such a thing happened on Mars, and to say she was surprised is +putting it lightly. Thereupon, half the female population ran after +the berserk Martian.</p> + +<p>When the organization heard about this, an investigation was ordered. +That is how the crime trust found out that there is no sugar on Mars; +that this was the first time it had ever been tasted by a Martian; +that it acts on them like junk does on an Earthman.</p> + +<p>They further discovered that the chief source of Martian diet +is—believe it or not—poppy seed, hemp and coca leaf, and that the +alkaloids thereof: opium, hasheesh and cocaine have not the slightest +visible effect on them.</p> + +<p>Poppies grow everywhere, huge russet poppies, ten times as large as +those on Earth and 100 times as deadly. It is these poppies which have +colored the planet red. Martians are strictly vegetarian: they bake, +fry and stew these flowers and weeds and eat them raw with a goo made +from fungus and called <i>szchmortz</i> which passes for a salad dressing.</p> + +<p>Though the Martians were absolutely impervious to the narcotic +qualities of the aforementioned flora, they got higher than Mars on +small doses of sugar.</p> + +<p>So the Mafia was in business. The Martians sniffed granulated sugar, +which they called snow. They ate cube sugar, which they called "hard +stuff", and they injected molasses syrup into their veins with hypos +and called this "mainliners."</p> + +<p>There was nothing they would not do for a pinch of sugar. Gold, +platinum and diamonds, narcotics by the acre—these were to be had in +generous exchange for sugar—which was selling on Earth at a nickel or +so a pound wholesale.</p> + +<p>The space ship went into shuttle service. A load of diamonds and dope +coming back, a load of sugar and blondes going up. Blondes made +Martians higher even than sugar, and brought larger and quicker +returns.</p> + +<p>This is a confidential tip to the South African diamond trust: ten +space ship loads of precious stones are now being cut in a cellar on +Bleecker Street in New York. The mob plans to retail them for $25 a +carat!</p> + +<p>Though the gangsters are buying sugar at a few cents a pound here and +selling it for its weight in rubies on Mars, a hood is always a hood. +They've been cutting dope with sugar for years on Earth, so they +didn't know how to do it any different on Mars. What to cut the sugar +with on Mars? Simple. With heroin, of course, which is worthless +there.</p> + +<p>This is a brief rundown on the racket situation as it currently exists +on our sister planet.</p> + +<p><i>FAKED PASSPORTS</i>: When the boys first landed they found only vague +boundaries between the nations, and Martians could roam as they +pleased. Maybe this is why they stayed close to home. Though anyway +why should they travel? There was nothing to see.</p> + +<p>The boys quickly took care of this. First, in order to make travel +alluring, they brought 20 strippers from Calumet City and set them +peeling just beyond the border lines.</p> + +<p>Then they went to the chieftains and sold them a bill of goods (with a +generous bribe of sugar) to close the borders. The next step was to +corrupt the border guards, which was easy with Annie Oakleys to do +the burlesque shows.</p> + +<p>The selling price for faked passports fluctuates between a ton and +three tons of platinum.</p> + +<p><i>VICE</i>: Until the arrival of the Earthmen, there were no illicit +sexual relations on the planet. In fact, no Martian in his right mind +would have relations with the native crop of females, and they in turn +felt the same way about the males. Laws had to be passed requiring all +able-bodied citizens to marry and propagate.</p> + +<p>Thus, the first load of bims from South Akard Street in Dallas found +eager customers. But these babes, who romanced anything in pants on +earth, went on a stand-up strike when they saw and smelled the +Martians. Especially smelled. They smelled worse than Texas yahoos +just off a cow farm.</p> + +<p>This proved embarrassing, to say the least, to the procurers. +Considerable sums of money were invested in this human cargo, and the +boys feared dire consequences from their shylocks, should they return +empty-handed.</p> + +<p>In our other Confidential essays we told you how the Mafia employs +some of the best brains on Earth to direct and manage its far-flung +properties, including high-priced attorneys, accountants, real-estate +experts, engineers and scientists.</p> + +<p>A hurried meeting of the Grand Council was called and held in a +bungalow on the shores of one of Minneapolis' beautiful lakes. The +decision reached there was to corner chlorophyll (which accounts in +part for the delay in putting it on the market down here) and ship it +to Mars to deodorize the populace there. After which the ladies of the +evening got off their feet and went back to work.</p> + +<p><i>GAMBLING</i>: Until the arrival of the Mafia, gambling on Mars was +confined to a simple game played with children's jacks. The loser had +to relieve the winner of his wife.</p> + +<p>The Mafia brought up some fine gambling equipment, including the +layouts from the Colonial Inn in Florida, and the Beverly in New +Orleans, both of which were closed, and taught the residents how to +shoot craps and play the wheel, with the house putting up sugar +against precious stones and metals. With such odds, it was not +necessary to fake the games more than is customary on Earth.</p> + + +<h4>IV</h4> + +<h4>LITTLE NEW YORK CONFIDENTIAL</h4> + +<p>Despite what Earth-bound professors tell you about the Martian +atmosphere, we know better. They weren't there.</p> + +<p>It is a dogma that Mars has no oxygen. Baloney. While it is true that +there is considerably less than on Earth in the surface atmosphere, +the air underground, in caves, valleys and tunnels, has plenty to +support life lavishly, though why Martians want to live after they +look at each other we cannot tell you, even confidential.</p> + +<p>For this reason Martian cities are built underground, and travel +between them is carried on through a complicated system of subways +predating the New York IRT line by several thousand centuries, though +to the naked eye there is little difference between a Brooklyn express +and a Mars express, yet the latter were built before the Pyramids.</p> + +<p>When the first load of Black Handers arrived, they naturally balked +against living underground. It reminded them too much of the days +before they went "legitimate" and were constantly on the lam and +hiding out.</p> + +<p>So the Mafia put the Martians to work building a town. There are no +building materials on the planet, but the Martians are adept at making +gold dust hold together with diamond rivets. The result of their +effort—for which they were paid in peppermint sticks and lump +sugar—is named Little New York, with hotels, nightclubs, bars, +haberdashers, Turkish baths and horse rooms. Instead of +air-conditioning, it had oxygen-conditioning. But the town had no +police station.</p> + +<p>There were no cops!</p> + +<p>Finally, a meeting was held at which one punk asked another, "What the +hell kind of town is it with no cops? Who we going to bribe?"</p> + +<p>After some discussion they cut cards. One of the Bergen County boys +drew the black ace. "What do I know about being a cop?" he squawked.</p> + +<p>"You can take graft, can't you? You been shook down, ain't you?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p>The boys also imported a couple of smart mouthpieces and a ship of +blank habeas corpus forms, together with a judge who was the brother +of one of the lawyers, so there was no need to build a jail in this +model city.</p> + +<p>The only ones who ever get arrested, anyway, are the Martians, and +they soon discovered that the coppers from <i>Terra</i> would look the +other way for a bucket full of gold.</p> + +<p>Until the arrival of the Earthmen, the Martians were, as stated, +peaceful, and even now crime is practically unknown among them. The +chief problem, however, is to keep them in line on pay nights, when +they go on sugar binges.</p> + +<p>Chocolate bars are as common on Mars as saloons are on Broadway, and +it is not unusual to see "gone" Martians getting heaved out of these +bars right into the gutter. One nostalgic hood from Seattle said it +reminded him of Skid Row there.</p> + + +<h4>V</h4> + +<h4>THE RED RED PLANET</h4> + +<p>The gangsters had not been on Mars long before they heard rumors about +other outsiders who were supposed to have landed on the other side of +<i>Mt. Sirehum</i>.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 400px;"> +<img src="images/image_003.jpg" width="400" height="487" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>The boys got together in a cocktail lounge to talk this over, and they +decided they weren't going to stand for any other mobs muscling in.</p> + +<p>Thereupon, they despatched four torpedoes with Tommy guns in a big +black limousine to see what was going.</p> + +<p>We tell you this Confidential. What they found was a Communist +apparatus sent to Mars from Soviet Russia.</p> + +<p>This cell was so active that Commies had taken over almost half the +planet before the arrival of the Mafia, with their domain extending +from the <i>Deucalionis Region</i> all the way over to <i>Phaethontis</i> and +down to <i>Titania</i>.</p> + +<p>Furthermore, through propaganda and infiltration, there were Communist +cells in every quarter of the planet, and many of the top officials of +the four Martian governments were either secretly party members or +openly in fronts.</p> + +<p>The Communist battle cry was: "Men of Mars unite; you have nothing to +lose but your wives."</p> + +<p>Comes the revolution, they were told, and all Martians could remain +bachelors. It is no wonder the Communists made such inroads. The +planet became known as "The Red Red Planet."</p> + +<p>In their confidential books about the cities of Earth, Lait and +Mortimer explored the community of interest between the organized +underworld and the Soviet.</p> + +<p>Communists are in favor of anything that causes civil disorder and +unrest; gangsters have no conscience and will do business with anyone +who pays.</p> + +<p>On Earth, Russia floods the Western powers, and especially the United +States, with narcotics, first to weaken them and provide easy prey, +and second, for dollar exchange.</p> + +<p>And on Earth, the Mafia, which is another international conspiracy +like the Communists, sells the narcotics.</p> + +<p>And so when the gangsters heard there were Communist cells on Mars, +they quickly made a contact.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/image_004.jpg" width="600" height="308" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>For most of the world's cheap sugar comes from Russia! The Mafia +inroad on the American sugar market had already driven cane up more +than 300 per cent. But the Russians were anxious, able and willing to +provide all the beets they wanted at half the competitive price.</p> + + +<h4>VI</h4> + +<h4>THE HONEST HOODS</h4> + +<p>As we pointed out in previous works, the crime syndicate now owns so +much money, its chief problem is to find ways in which to invest it.</p> + +<p>As a result, the Mafia and its allies control thousands of legitimate +enterprises ranging from hotel chains to railroads and from laundries +to distilleries.</p> + +<p>And so it was on Mars. With all the rackets cornered, the gangsters +decided it was time to go into some straight businesses.</p> + +<p>At the next get-together of the Grand Council, the following +conversation was heard:</p> + +<p>"What do these mopes need that they ain't getting?"</p> + +<p>"A big fat hole in the head."</p> + +<p>"Cut it out. This is serious."</p> + +<p>"A hole in the head ain't serious?"</p> + +<p>"There's no profit in them one-shot deals."</p> + +<p>"It's the repeat business you make the dough on."</p> + +<p>"Maybe you got something there. You can kill a jerk only once."</p> + +<p>"But a jerk can have relatives."</p> + +<p>"We're talking about legit stuff. All the rest has been taken care +of."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<img src="images/image_005.jpg" width="600" height="296" alt="" title="" /> +</div> + +<p>"With the Martians I've seen, a bar of soap could be a big thing."</p> + +<p>From this random suggestion, there sprang up a major interplanetary +project. If the big soap companies are wondering where all that soap +went a few years ago, we can tell them.</p> + +<p>It went to Mars.</p> + +<p>Soap caught on immediately. It was snapped up as fast as it arrived.</p> + +<p>But several questions popped into the minds of the Mafia soap +salesman.</p> + +<p>Where was it all going? A Martian, in line for a bar in the evening, +was back again the following morning for another one.</p> + +<p>And why did the Martians stay just as dirty as ever?</p> + +<p>The answer was, the Martians stayed as dirty as ever because they +weren't using the soap to wash with. They were eating it!</p> + +<p>It cured the hangover from sugar.</p> + +<p>Another group cornered the undertaking business, adding a twist that +made for more activity. They added a Department of Elimination. The +men in charge of this end of the business circulate through the +chocolate and soap bars, politely inquiring, "Who would you like +killed?"</p> + +<p>Struck with the novelty of the thing, quite a few Martians remember +other Martians they are mad at. The going price is one hundred carats +of diamonds to kill; which is cheap considering the average laborer +earns 10,000 carats a week.</p> + +<p>Then the boys from the more dignified end of the business drop in at +the home of the victim and offer to bury him cheap. Two hundred and +fifty carats gets a Martian planted in style.</p> + +<p>Inasmuch as Martians live underground, burying is done in reverse, by +tying a rocket to the tail of the deceased and shooting him out into +the stratosphere.</p> + + +<h4>VII</h4> + +<h4>ONE UNIVERSE CONFIDENTIAL</h4> + +<p>Mars is presently no problem to Earth, and will not be until we have +all its gold and the Martians begin asking us for loans.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, Lait and Mortimer say let the gangsters and communists have +it. We don't want it.</p> + +<p>We believe Earth would weaken itself if it dissipated its assets on +foreign planets. Instead, we should heavily arm our own satellites, +which will make us secure from attack by an alien planet or +constellation.</p> + +<p>At the same time, we should build an overwhelming force of space ships +capable of delivering lethal blows to the outermost corners of the +universe and return without refueling.</p> + +<p>We have seen the futility of meddling in everyone's business on Earth. +Let's not make that mistake in space. We are unalterably opposed to +the UP (United Planets) and call upon the governments of Earth not to +join that Inter-Solar System boondoggle.</p> + +<p>We have enough trouble right here.</p> + + +<h4>THE APPENDIX CONFIDENTIAL:</h4> + + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Blast-off</i>: The equivalent of the take-off of Terran +aviation. Space ships blast-off into space. Not to be +confused with the report of a sawed-off shot gun.</p> + +<p><i>Blasting pit</i>: Place from which a space ship blasts off. +Guarded area where the intense heat from the jets melts the +ground. Also used for cock-fights.</p> + +<p><i>Spacemen</i>: Those who man the space ships. See any comic +strip.</p> + +<p><i>Hairoscope</i>: A very sensitive instrument for space +navigation. The sighting plate thereon is centered around +two crossed hairs. Because of the vastness of space, very +fine hairs are used. These hairs are obtained from the +Glomph-Frog, found only in the heart of the dense Venusian +swamps. The hairoscope is a must in space navigation. Then +how did they get to Venus to get the hair from the +Glomph-Frog? Read Venus Confidential.</p> + +<p><i>Multiplanetary agitation</i>: The inter-spacial methods by +which the Russians compete for the minds of the Neptunians +and the Plutonians and the Gowaniuns.</p> + +<p><i>Space suit</i>: The clothing worn by those who go into space. +The men are put into modernistic diving suits. The dames +wear bras and panties.</p> + +<p><i>Grav-plates</i>: A form of magnetic shoe worn by spacemen +while standing on the outer hull of a space ship halfway to +Mars. Why a spaceman wants to stand on the outer hull of a +ship halfway to Mars is not clear. Possibly to win a bet.</p> + +<p><i>Space platform</i>: A man-made satellite rotating around Earth +between here and the Moon. Scientists say this is a +necessary first step to interplanetary travel. Mars +Confidential proves the fallacy of this theory.</p> + +<p><i>Space Academy</i>: A college where young men are trained to be +spacemen. The student body consists mainly of cadets who +served apprenticeships as elevator jockeys.</p> + +<p><i>Asteroids</i>: Tiny worlds floating around in space, put there +no doubt to annoy unwary space ships.</p> + +<p><i>Extrapolation</i>: The process by which a science-fiction +writer takes an established scientific fact and builds +thereon a story that couldn't happen in a million years, but +maybe 2,000,000.</p> + +<p><i>Science fiction</i>: A genre of escape literature which takes +the reader to far-away planets—and usually neglects to +bring him back.</p> + +<p><i>S.F.</i>: An abbreviation for science fiction.</p> + +<p><i>Bem</i>: A word derived by using the first letters of the +three words: Bug Eyed Monster. Bems are ghastly looking +creatures in general. In science-fiction yarns written by +Terrans, bems are natives of Mars. In science-fiction yarns +written by Martians, bems are natives of Terra.</p> + +<p><i>The pile</i>: The source from which power is derived to carry +men to the stars. Optional on the more expensive space +ships, at extra cost.</p> + +<p><i>Atom blaster</i>: A gun carried by spacemen which will melt +people down to a cinder. A .45 would do just as well, but +then there's the Sullivan Act.</p> + +<p><i>Orbit</i>: The path of any heavenly body. The bodies are held +in these orbits by natural laws the Republicans are thinking +of repealing.</p> + +<p><i>Nova</i>: The explosive stage into which planets may pass. +According to the finest scientific thinking, a planet will +either nova, or it won't.</p> + +<p><i>Galaxy</i>: A term used to confuse people who have always +called it The Milky Way.</p> + +<p><i>Sun spots</i>: Vast electrical storms on the sun which +interfere with radio reception, said interference being +advantageous during political campaigns.</p> + +<p><i>Atomic cannons</i>: Things that go <i>zap</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Audio screen</i>: Television without Milton Berle or +wrestling.</p> + +<p><i>Disintegrating ray</i>: Something you can't see that turns +something you can see into something you can't see.</p> + +<p><i>Geiger counter</i>: Something used to count Geigers. +<i>Interstellar space</i>: Too much nothing at all, filled with +rockets, flying saucers, advanced civilizations, and +discarded copies of <i>Amazing Stories</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mars</i>: A candy bar.</p> + +<p><i>Pluto</i>: A kind of water.</p> + +<p><i>Ray guns</i>: Small things that go <i>zap</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Time machine</i>: A machine that carries you back to yesterday +and into next year. Also, an alarm clock.</p> + +<p><i>Time warp</i>: The hole in time the time machine goes through +to reach another time. A hole in nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Terra</i>: Another name for Earth. It comes from <i>terra</i> firma +or something like that.</p> + +<p><i>Hyperdrive</i>: The motor that is used to drive a space ship +faster than the speed of light. Invented by science-fiction +writers but not yet patented.</p> + +<p><i>Ether</i>: The upper reaches of space and whatever fills them. +Also, an anaesthetic.</p> + +<p><i>Luna</i>: Another name for the Moon. Formerly a park in Coney +Island.</p></div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mars Confidential, by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARS CONFIDENTIAL *** + +***** This file should be named 31282-h.htm or 31282-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/2/8/31282/ + +Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Mars Confidential + +Author: Jack Lait + Lee Mortimer + +Illustrator: L.R. Summers + +Release Date: February 15, 2010 [EBook #31282] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARS CONFIDENTIAL *** + + + + +Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + Transcriber's Note: + + This etext was produced from Amazing Stories April-May 1953. Extensive + research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this + publication was renewed. + + + MARS CONFIDENTIAL! + + + Jack Lait & Lee Mortimer + + + _Illustrator_: L. R. Summers + + + _Here is history's biggest news scoop! Those intrepid + reporters Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer, whose best-selling + exposes of life's seamy side from New York to Medicine Hat + have made them famous, here strip away the veil of millions + of miles to bring you the lowdown on our sister planet. It + is an amazing account of vice and violence, of virtues and + victims, told in vivid, jet-speed style._ + + _Here you'll learn why Mars is called the Red Planet, the + part the Mafia plays in her undoing, the rape and rapine + that has made this heavenly body the cesspool of the + Universe. In other words, this is Mars--Confidential!_ + + * * * * * + + + + +P-s-s-s-s-t! + +HERE WE GO AGAIN--Confidential. + +We turned New York inside out. We turned Chicago upside down. In +Washington we turned the insiders out and the outsiders in. The howls +can still be heard since we dissected the U.S.A. + +But Mars was our toughest task of spectroscoping. The cab drivers +spoke a different language and the bell-hops couldn't read our +currency. Yet, we think we have X-rayed the dizziest--and this may +amaze you--the dirtiest planet in the solar system. Beside it, the +Earth is as white as the Moon, and Chicago is as peaceful as the Milky +Way. + +By the time we went through Mars--its canals, its caves, its +satellites and its catacombs--we knew more about it than anyone who +lives there. + +We make no attempt to be comprehensive. We have no hope or aim to make +Mars a better place in which to live; in fact, we don't give a damn +what kind of a place it is to live in. + +This will be the story of a planet that could have been another proud +and majestic sun with a solar system of its own; it ended up, instead, +in the comic books and the pulp magazines. + +We give you MARS CONFIDENTIAL! + + +I + +THE LOWDOWN CONFIDENTIAL + +Before the space ship which brings the arriving traveler lands at the +Martian National Airport, it swoops gracefully over the nearby city in +a salute. The narrow ribbons, laid out in geometric order, gradually +grow wider until the water in these man-made rivers becomes crystal +clear and sparkles in the reflection of the sun. + +As Mars comes closer, the visitor from Earth quickly realizes it has a +manner and a glamor of its own; it is unworldy, it is out of this +world. It is not the air of distinction one finds in New York or +London or Paris. The Martian feeling is dreamlike; it comes from being +close to the stuff dreams are made of. + +However, after the sojourner lands, he discovers that Mars is not much +different than the planet he left; indeed, men are pretty much the +same all over the universe, whether they carry their plumbing inside +or outside their bodies. + +As we unfold the rates of crime, vice, sex irregularities, graft, +cheap gambling, drunkenness, rowdyism and rackets, you will get, +thrown on a large screen, a peep show you never saw on your TV during +the science-fiction hour. + +Each day the Earth man spends on Mars makes him feel more at home; +thus, it comes as no surprise to the initiated that even here, at +least 35,000,000 miles away from Times Square, there are hoodlums who +talk out of the sides of their mouths and drive expensive convertibles +with white-walled tires and yellow-haired frails. For the Mafia, the +dread Black Hand, is in business here--tied up with the +subversives--and neither the Martian Committee for the Investigation +of Crime and Vice, nor the Un-Martian Activities Committee, can dent +it more than the Kefauver Committee did on Earth, which is practically +less than nothing. + + * * * * * + +This is the first time this story has been printed. We were offered +four trillion dollars in bribes to hold it up; our lives were +threatened and we were shot at with death ray guns. + +We got this one night on the fourth bench in Central Park, where we +met by appointment a man who phoned us earlier but refused to tell his +name. When we took one look at him we did not ask for his credentials, +we just knew he came from Mars. + +This is what he told us: + +Shortly after the end of World War II, a syndicate composed of +underworld big-shots from Chicago, Detroit and Greenpoint planned to +build a new Las Vegas in the Nevada desert. This was to be a plush +project for big spenders, with Vegas and Reno reserved for the +hoi-polloi. + +There was to be service by a private airline. It would be so +ultra-ultra that suckers with only a million would be thumbed away and +guys with two million would have to come in through the back door. + +The Mafia sent a couple of front men to explore the desert. Somewhere +out beyond the atom project they stumbled on what seemed to be the +answer to their prayer. + +It was a huge, mausoleum-like structure, standing alone in the desert +hundreds of miles from nowhere, unique, exclusive and mysterious. The +prospectors assumed it was the last remnant of some fabulous and +long-dead ghost-mining town. + +The entire population consisted of one, a little duffer with a white +goatee and thick lensed spectacles, wearing boots, chaps and a silk +hat. + +"This your place, bud?" one of the hoods asked. + +When he signified it was, the boys bought it. The price was +agreeable--after they pulled a wicked-looking rod. + +Then the money guys came to look over their purchase. They couldn't +make head or tail of it, and you can hardly blame them, because inside +the great structure they found a huge contraption that looked like a +cigar (Havana Perfecto) standing on end. + +"What the hell is this," they asked the character in the opera hat, in +what is known as a menacing attitude. + + * * * * * + +The old pappy guy offered to show them. He escorted them into the +cigar, pressed a button here and there, and before you could say "Al +Capone" the roof of the shed slid back and they began to move upward +at a terrific rate of speed. + +Three or four of the Mafia chieftains were old hop-heads and felt at +home. In fact, one of them remarked, "Boy, are we gone." And he was +right. + +The soberer Mafistas, after recovering from their first shock, laid +ungentle fists on their conductor. "What goes on?" he was asked. + +"This is a space ship and we are headed for Mars." + +"What's Mars?" + +"A planet up in space, loaded with gold and diamonds." + +"Any bims there?" + +"I beg your pardon, sir. What are bims?" + +"Get a load of this dope. He never heard of bims. Babes, broads, +frails, pigeons, ribs--catch on?" + +"Oh, I assume you mean girls. There must be, otherwise what are the +diamonds for?" + +The outward trip took a week, but it was spent pleasantly. During that +time, the Miami delegation cleaned out Chicago, New York and +Pittsburgh in a klabiash game. + +The hop back, for various reasons, took a little longer. One reason +may have been the condition of the crew. On the return the boys from +Brooklyn were primed to the ears with _zorkle_. + +_Zorkle_ is a Martian medicinal distillation, made from the milk of +the _schznoogle_--a six-legged cow, seldom milked because few Martians +can run fast enough to catch one. _Zorkle_ is strong enough to rip +steel plates out of battleships, but to stomachs accustomed to the +stuff sold in Flatbush, it acted like a gentle stimulant. + +Upon their safe landing in Nevada, the Columbuses of this first flight +to Mars put in long-distance calls to all the other important hoods in +the country. + +The Crime Cartel met in Cleveland--in the third floor front of a +tenement on Mayfield Road. The purpose of the meeting was to "cut up" +Mars. + +Considerable dissension arose over the bookmaking facilities, when it +was learned that the radioactive surface of the planet made it +unnecessary to send scratches and results by wire. On the contrary, +the steel-shod hooves of the animals set up a current which carried +into every pool room, without a pay-off to the wire service. + +The final division found the apportionment as follows: + + _New York mob_: Real estate and investments (if any) + + _Chicago mob_: Bookmaking and liquor (if any) + + _Brooklyn mob_: Protection and assassinations + + _Jersey mob_: Numbers (if any) and craps (if any) + + _Los Angeles mob_: Girls (if any) + + _Galveston and New Orleans mobs_: Dope (if any) + + _Cleveland mob_: Casinos (if any) + + _Detroit mob_: Summer resorts (if any) + +The Detroit boys, incidentally, burned up when they learned the +Martian year is twice as long as ours, consequently it takes two years +for one summer to roll around. + +After the summary demise of three Grand Councilors whose deaths were +recorded by the press as occurring from "natural causes," the other +major and minor mobs were declared in as partners. + +The first problem to be ironed out was how to speed up transportation; +and failing that, to construct spacious space ships which would +attract pleasure-bent trade from _Terra_--Earth to you--with such +innovations as roulette wheels, steam rooms, cocktail lounges, double +rooms with hot and cold babes, and other such inducements. + + +II + +THE INSIDE STUFF CONFIDENTIAL + +Remember, you got this first from Lait and Mortimer. And we defy +anyone to call us liars--and prove it! + +Only chumps bring babes with them to Mars. The temperature is a little +colder there than on Earth and the air a little thinner. So Terra +dames complain one mink coat doesn't keep them warm; they need two. + +On the other hand, the gravity is considerably less than on Earth. +Therefore, even the heaviest bim weighs less and can be pushed over +with the greatest of ease. + +However, the boys soon discovered that the lighter gravity played +havoc with the marijuana trade. With a slight tensing of the muscles +you can jump 20 feet, so why smoke "tea" when you can fly like crazy +for nothing? + +Martian women are bags, so perhaps you had better disregard the +injunction above and bring your own, even if it means two furs. + +Did you ever see an Alaska _klutch_ (pronounced klootch)? Probably +not. Well, these Arctic horrors are Ziegfeld beauts compared to the +Martian fair sex. + +They slouch with knees bent and knuckles brushing the ground, and if +Ringling Bros, is looking for a mate for Gargantua, here is where to +find her. Yet, their manner is habitually timid, as though they've +been given a hard time. From the look in their deep-set eyes they seem +to fear abduction or rape; but not even the zoot-suited goons from +Greenpernt gave them a second tumble. + +The visiting Mafia delegation was naturally disappointed at this state +of affairs. They had been led to believe by the little guy who +escorted them that all Martian dames resembled Marilyn Monroe, only +more so, and the men were Adonises (and not Joe). + +Seems they once were, at that. This was a couple of aeons ago when +Earthmen looked like Martians do now, which seems to indicate that +Martians, as well as Men, have their ups and downs. + +The citizens of the planet are apparently about halfway down the +toboggan. They wear clothes, but they're not handstitched. Their +neckties don't come from Sulka. No self-respecting goon from Gowanus +would care to be seen in their company. + +The females always appear in public fully clothed, which doesn't help +them either. But covering their faces would. They buy their dresses at +a place called Kress-Worth and look like Paris _nouveau riche_. + +There are four separate nations there, though nation is hardly the +word. It is more accurate to say there are four separate clans that +don't like each other, though how they can tell the difference is +beyond us. They are known as the East Side, West Side, North Side and +Gas House gangs. + +Each stays in its own back-yard. Periodic wars are fought, a few +thousand of the enemy are dissolved with ray guns, after which the +factions retire by common consent and throw a banquet at which the +losing country is forced to take the wives of the visitors, which is a +twist not yet thought of on Earth. + +Martian language is unlike anything ever heard below. It would baffle +the keenest linguist, if the keenest linguist ever gets to Mars. +However, the Mafia, which is a world-wide blood brotherhood with +colonies in every land and clime, has a universal language. Knives and +brass knucks are understood everywhere. + +The Martian lingo seems to be somewhat similar to Chinese. It's not +what they say, but how they say it. For instance, _psonqule_ may mean +"I love you" or "you dirty son-of-a-bitch." + +The Mafistas soon learned to translate what the natives were saying by +watching the squint in their eyes. When they spoke with a certain +expression, the mobsters let go with 45s, which, however, merely have +a stunning effect on the gent on the receiving end because of the +lesser gravity. + +On the other hand, the Martian death ray guns were not fatal to the +toughs from Earth; anyone who can live through St. Valentine's Day in +Chicago can live through anything. So it came out a dead heat. + +Thereupon the boys from the Syndicate sat down and declared the +Martians in for a fifty-fifty partnership, which means they actually +gave them one per cent, which is generous at that. + +Never having had the great advantages of a New Deal, the Martians are +still backward and use gold as a means of exchange. With no Harvard +bigdomes to tell them gold is a thing of the past, the yellow metal +circulates there as freely and easily as we once kicked pennies around +before they became extinct here. + +The Mafistas quickly set the Martians right about the futility of +gold. They eagerly turned it over to the Earthmen in exchange for +green certificates with pretty pictures engraved thereon. + + +III + +RACKETS VIA ROCKETS + +Gold, platinum, diamonds and other precious stuff are as plentiful on +Mars as hayfever is on Earth in August. + +When the gangsters lamped the loot, their greedy eyes and greasy +fingers twitched, and when a hood's eyes and fingers twitch, watch +out; something is twitching. + +The locals were completely honest. They were too dumb to be thieves. +The natives were not acquisitive. Why should they be when gold was so +common it had no value, and a neighbor's wife so ugly no one would +covet her? + +This was a desperate situation, indeed, until one of the boys from +East St. Louis uttered the eternal truth: "There ain't no honest man +who ain't a crook, and why should Mars be any different?" + +The difficulty was finding the means and method of corruption. All the +cash in Jake Guzik's strong box meant nothing to a race of characters +whose brats made mudpies of gold dust. + +The discovery came as an accident. + +The first Earthman to be eliminated on Mars was a two-bit hood from +North Clark Street who sold a five-cent Hershey bar with almonds to a +Martian for a gold piece worth 94 bucks. + +The man from Mars bit the candy bar. The hood bit the gold piece. + +Then the Martian picked up a rock and beaned the lad from the Windy +City. After which the Martian's eyes dilated and he let out a scream. +Then he attacked the first Martian female who passed by. Never before +had such a thing happened on Mars, and to say she was surprised is +putting it lightly. Thereupon, half the female population ran after +the berserk Martian. + +When the organization heard about this, an investigation was ordered. +That is how the crime trust found out that there is no sugar on Mars; +that this was the first time it had ever been tasted by a Martian; +that it acts on them like junk does on an Earthman. + +They further discovered that the chief source of Martian diet +is--believe it or not--poppy seed, hemp and coca leaf, and that the +alkaloids thereof: opium, hasheesh and cocaine have not the slightest +visible effect on them. + +Poppies grow everywhere, huge russet poppies, ten times as large as +those on Earth and 100 times as deadly. It is these poppies which have +colored the planet red. Martians are strictly vegetarian: they bake, +fry and stew these flowers and weeds and eat them raw with a goo made +from fungus and called _szchmortz_ which passes for a salad dressing. + +Though the Martians were absolutely impervious to the narcotic +qualities of the aforementioned flora, they got higher than Mars on +small doses of sugar. + +So the Mafia was in business. The Martians sniffed granulated sugar, +which they called snow. They ate cube sugar, which they called "hard +stuff", and they injected molasses syrup into their veins with hypos +and called this "mainliners." + +There was nothing they would not do for a pinch of sugar. Gold, +platinum and diamonds, narcotics by the acre--these were to be had in +generous exchange for sugar--which was selling on Earth at a nickel or +so a pound wholesale. + +The space ship went into shuttle service. A load of diamonds and dope +coming back, a load of sugar and blondes going up. Blondes made +Martians higher even than sugar, and brought larger and quicker +returns. + +This is a confidential tip to the South African diamond trust: ten +space ship loads of precious stones are now being cut in a cellar on +Bleecker Street in New York. The mob plans to retail them for $25 a +carat! + +Though the gangsters are buying sugar at a few cents a pound here and +selling it for its weight in rubies on Mars, a hood is always a hood. +They've been cutting dope with sugar for years on Earth, so they +didn't know how to do it any different on Mars. What to cut the sugar +with on Mars? Simple. With heroin, of course, which is worthless +there. + +This is a brief rundown on the racket situation as it currently exists +on our sister planet. + +_FAKED PASSPORTS_: When the boys first landed they found only vague +boundaries between the nations, and Martians could roam as they +pleased. Maybe this is why they stayed close to home. Though anyway +why should they travel? There was nothing to see. + +The boys quickly took care of this. First, in order to make travel +alluring, they brought 20 strippers from Calumet City and set them +peeling just beyond the border lines. + +Then they went to the chieftains and sold them a bill of goods (with a +generous bribe of sugar) to close the borders. The next step was to +corrupt the border guards, which was easy with Annie Oakleys to do +the burlesque shows. + +The selling price for faked passports fluctuates between a ton and +three tons of platinum. + +_VICE_: Until the arrival of the Earthmen, there were no illicit +sexual relations on the planet. In fact, no Martian in his right mind +would have relations with the native crop of females, and they in turn +felt the same way about the males. Laws had to be passed requiring all +able-bodied citizens to marry and propagate. + +Thus, the first load of bims from South Akard Street in Dallas found +eager customers. But these babes, who romanced anything in pants on +earth, went on a stand-up strike when they saw and smelled the +Martians. Especially smelled. They smelled worse than Texas yahoos +just off a cow farm. + +This proved embarrassing, to say the least, to the procurers. +Considerable sums of money were invested in this human cargo, and the +boys feared dire consequences from their shylocks, should they return +empty-handed. + +In our other Confidential essays we told you how the Mafia employs +some of the best brains on Earth to direct and manage its far-flung +properties, including high-priced attorneys, accountants, real-estate +experts, engineers and scientists. + +A hurried meeting of the Grand Council was called and held in a +bungalow on the shores of one of Minneapolis' beautiful lakes. The +decision reached there was to corner chlorophyll (which accounts in +part for the delay in putting it on the market down here) and ship it +to Mars to deodorize the populace there. After which the ladies of the +evening got off their feet and went back to work. + +_GAMBLING_: Until the arrival of the Mafia, gambling on Mars was +confined to a simple game played with children's jacks. The loser had +to relieve the winner of his wife. + +The Mafia brought up some fine gambling equipment, including the +layouts from the Colonial Inn in Florida, and the Beverly in New +Orleans, both of which were closed, and taught the residents how to +shoot craps and play the wheel, with the house putting up sugar +against precious stones and metals. With such odds, it was not +necessary to fake the games more than is customary on Earth. + + +IV + +LITTLE NEW YORK CONFIDENTIAL + +Despite what Earth-bound professors tell you about the Martian +atmosphere, we know better. They weren't there. + +It is a dogma that Mars has no oxygen. Baloney. While it is true that +there is considerably less than on Earth in the surface atmosphere, +the air underground, in caves, valleys and tunnels, has plenty to +support life lavishly, though why Martians want to live after they +look at each other we cannot tell you, even confidential. + +For this reason Martian cities are built underground, and travel +between them is carried on through a complicated system of subways +predating the New York IRT line by several thousand centuries, though +to the naked eye there is little difference between a Brooklyn express +and a Mars express, yet the latter were built before the Pyramids. + +When the first load of Black Handers arrived, they naturally balked +against living underground. It reminded them too much of the days +before they went "legitimate" and were constantly on the lam and +hiding out. + +So the Mafia put the Martians to work building a town. There are no +building materials on the planet, but the Martians are adept at making +gold dust hold together with diamond rivets. The result of their +effort--for which they were paid in peppermint sticks and lump +sugar--is named Little New York, with hotels, nightclubs, bars, +haberdashers, Turkish baths and horse rooms. Instead of +air-conditioning, it had oxygen-conditioning. But the town had no +police station. + +There were no cops! + +Finally, a meeting was held at which one punk asked another, "What the +hell kind of town is it with no cops? Who we going to bribe?" + +After some discussion they cut cards. One of the Bergen County boys +drew the black ace. "What do I know about being a cop?" he squawked. + +"You can take graft, can't you? You been shook down, ain't you?" + + * * * * * + +The boys also imported a couple of smart mouthpieces and a ship of +blank habeas corpus forms, together with a judge who was the brother +of one of the lawyers, so there was no need to build a jail in this +model city. + +The only ones who ever get arrested, anyway, are the Martians, and +they soon discovered that the coppers from _Terra_ would look the +other way for a bucket full of gold. + +Until the arrival of the Earthmen, the Martians were, as stated, +peaceful, and even now crime is practically unknown among them. The +chief problem, however, is to keep them in line on pay nights, when +they go on sugar binges. + +Chocolate bars are as common on Mars as saloons are on Broadway, and +it is not unusual to see "gone" Martians getting heaved out of these +bars right into the gutter. One nostalgic hood from Seattle said it +reminded him of Skid Row there. + + +V + +THE RED RED PLANET + +The gangsters had not been on Mars long before they heard rumors about +other outsiders who were supposed to have landed on the other side of +_Mt. Sirehum_. + +The boys got together in a cocktail lounge to talk this over, and they +decided they weren't going to stand for any other mobs muscling in. + +Thereupon, they despatched four torpedoes with Tommy guns in a big +black limousine to see what was going. + +We tell you this Confidential. What they found was a Communist +apparatus sent to Mars from Soviet Russia. + +This cell was so active that Commies had taken over almost half the +planet before the arrival of the Mafia, with their domain extending +from the _Deucalionis Region_ all the way over to _Phaethontis_ and +down to _Titania_. + +Furthermore, through propaganda and infiltration, there were Communist +cells in every quarter of the planet, and many of the top officials of +the four Martian governments were either secretly party members or +openly in fronts. + +The Communist battle cry was: "Men of Mars unite; you have nothing to +lose but your wives." + +Comes the revolution, they were told, and all Martians could remain +bachelors. It is no wonder the Communists made such inroads. The +planet became known as "The Red Red Planet." + +In their confidential books about the cities of Earth, Lait and +Mortimer explored the community of interest between the organized +underworld and the Soviet. + +Communists are in favor of anything that causes civil disorder and +unrest; gangsters have no conscience and will do business with anyone +who pays. + +On Earth, Russia floods the Western powers, and especially the United +States, with narcotics, first to weaken them and provide easy prey, +and second, for dollar exchange. + +And on Earth, the Mafia, which is another international conspiracy +like the Communists, sells the narcotics. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +And so when the gangsters heard there were Communist cells on Mars, +they quickly made a contact. + +For most of the world's cheap sugar comes from Russia! The Mafia +inroad on the American sugar market had already driven cane up more +than 300 per cent. But the Russians were anxious, able and willing to +provide all the beets they wanted at half the competitive price. + + +VI + +THE HONEST HOODS + +As we pointed out in previous works, the crime syndicate now owns so +much money, its chief problem is to find ways in which to invest it. + +As a result, the Mafia and its allies control thousands of legitimate +enterprises ranging from hotel chains to railroads and from laundries +to distilleries. + +And so it was on Mars. With all the rackets cornered, the gangsters +decided it was time to go into some straight businesses. + +At the next get-together of the Grand Council, the following +conversation was heard: + +"What do these mopes need that they ain't getting?" + +"A big fat hole in the head." + +"Cut it out. This is serious." + +"A hole in the head ain't serious?" + +"There's no profit in them one-shot deals." + +"It's the repeat business you make the dough on." + +"Maybe you got something there. You can kill a jerk only once." + +"But a jerk can have relatives." + +"We're talking about legit stuff. All the rest has been taken care +of." + +[Illustration] + +"With the Martians I've seen, a bar of soap could be a big thing." + +From this random suggestion, there sprang up a major interplanetary +project. If the big soap companies are wondering where all that soap +went a few years ago, we can tell them. + +It went to Mars. + +Soap caught on immediately. It was snapped up as fast as it arrived. + +But several questions popped into the minds of the Mafia soap +salesman. + +Where was it all going? A Martian, in line for a bar in the evening, +was back again the following morning for another one. + +And why did the Martians stay just as dirty as ever? + +The answer was, the Martians stayed as dirty as ever because they +weren't using the soap to wash with. They were eating it! + +It cured the hangover from sugar. + +Another group cornered the undertaking business, adding a twist that +made for more activity. They added a Department of Elimination. The +men in charge of this end of the business circulate through the +chocolate and soap bars, politely inquiring, "Who would you like +killed?" + +Struck with the novelty of the thing, quite a few Martians remember +other Martians they are mad at. The going price is one hundred carats +of diamonds to kill; which is cheap considering the average laborer +earns 10,000 carats a week. + +Then the boys from the more dignified end of the business drop in at +the home of the victim and offer to bury him cheap. Two hundred and +fifty carats gets a Martian planted in style. + +Inasmuch as Martians live underground, burying is done in reverse, by +tying a rocket to the tail of the deceased and shooting him out into +the stratosphere. + + +VII + +ONE UNIVERSE CONFIDENTIAL + +Mars is presently no problem to Earth, and will not be until we have +all its gold and the Martians begin asking us for loans. + +Meanwhile, Lait and Mortimer say let the gangsters and communists have +it. We don't want it. + +We believe Earth would weaken itself if it dissipated its assets on +foreign planets. Instead, we should heavily arm our own satellites, +which will make us secure from attack by an alien planet or +constellation. + +At the same time, we should build an overwhelming force of space ships +capable of delivering lethal blows to the outermost corners of the +universe and return without refueling. + +We have seen the futility of meddling in everyone's business on Earth. +Let's not make that mistake in space. We are unalterably opposed to +the UP (United Planets) and call upon the governments of Earth not to +join that Inter-Solar System boondoggle. + +We have enough trouble right here. + + +THE APPENDIX CONFIDENTIAL: + + _Blast-off_: The equivalent of the take-off of Terran + aviation. Space ships blast-off into space. Not to be + confused with the report of a sawed-off shot gun. + + _Blasting pit_: Place from which a space ship blasts off. + Guarded area where the intense heat from the jets melts the + ground. Also used for cock-fights. + + _Spacemen_: Those who man the space ships. See any comic + strip. + + _Hairoscope_: A very sensitive instrument for space + navigation. The sighting plate thereon is centered around + two crossed hairs. Because of the vastness of space, very + fine hairs are used. These hairs are obtained from the + Glomph-Frog, found only in the heart of the dense Venusian + swamps. The hairoscope is a must in space navigation. Then + how did they get to Venus to get the hair from the + Glomph-Frog? Read Venus Confidential. + + _Multiplanetary agitation_: The inter-spacial methods by + which the Russians compete for the minds of the Neptunians + and the Plutonians and the Gowaniuns. + + _Space suit_: The clothing worn by those who go into space. + The men are put into modernistic diving suits. The dames + wear bras and panties. + + _Grav-plates_: A form of magnetic shoe worn by spacemen + while standing on the outer hull of a space ship halfway to + Mars. Why a spaceman wants to stand on the outer hull of a + ship halfway to Mars is not clear. Possibly to win a bet. + + _Space platform_: A man-made satellite rotating around Earth + between here and the Moon. Scientists say this is a + necessary first step to interplanetary travel. Mars + Confidential proves the fallacy of this theory. + + _Space Academy_: A college where young men are trained to be + spacemen. The student body consists mainly of cadets who + served apprenticeships as elevator jockeys. + + _Asteroids_: Tiny worlds floating around in space, put there + no doubt to annoy unwary space ships. + + _Extrapolation_: The process by which a science-fiction + writer takes an established scientific fact and builds + thereon a story that couldn't happen in a million years, but + maybe 2,000,000. + + _Science fiction_: A genre of escape literature which takes + the reader to far-away planets--and usually neglects to + bring him back. + + _S.F._: An abbreviation for science fiction. + + _Bem_: A word derived by using the first letters of the + three words: Bug Eyed Monster. Bems are ghastly looking + creatures in general. In science-fiction yarns written by + Terrans, bems are natives of Mars. In science-fiction yarns + written by Martians, bems are natives of Terra. + + _The pile_: The source from which power is derived to carry + men to the stars. Optional on the more expensive space + ships, at extra cost. + + _Atom blaster_: A gun carried by spacemen which will melt + people down to a cinder. A .45 would do just as well, but + then there's the Sullivan Act. + + _Orbit_: The path of any heavenly body. The bodies are held + in these orbits by natural laws the Republicans are thinking + of repealing. + + _Nova_: The explosive stage into which planets may pass. + According to the finest scientific thinking, a planet will + either nova, or it won't. + + _Galaxy_: A term used to confuse people who have always + called it The Milky Way. + + _Sun spots_: Vast electrical storms on the sun which + interfere with radio reception, said interference being + advantageous during political campaigns. + + _Atomic cannons_: Things that go _zap_. + + _Audio screen_: Television without Milton Berle or + wrestling. + + _Disintegrating ray_: Something you can't see that turns + something you can see into something you can't see. + + _Geiger counter_: Something used to count Geigers. + _Interstellar space_: Too much nothing at all, filled with + rockets, flying saucers, advanced civilizations, and + discarded copies of _Amazing Stories_. + + _Mars_: A candy bar. + + _Pluto_: A kind of water. + + _Ray guns_: Small things that go _zap_. + + _Time machine_: A machine that carries you back to yesterday + and into next year. Also, an alarm clock. + + _Time warp_: The hole in time the time machine goes through + to reach another time. A hole in nothing. + + _Terra_: Another name for Earth. It comes from _terra_ firma + or something like that. + + _Hyperdrive_: The motor that is used to drive a space ship + faster than the speed of light. Invented by science-fiction + writers but not yet patented. + + _Ether_: The upper reaches of space and whatever fills them. + Also, an anaesthetic. + + _Luna_: Another name for the Moon. Formerly a park in Coney + Island. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Mars Confidential, by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MARS CONFIDENTIAL *** + +***** This file should be named 31282.txt or 31282.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/2/8/31282/ + +Produced by Sankar Viswanathan, Greg Weeks, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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