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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Over Here
+       Impressions of America by a British officer
+
+Author: Hector MacQuarrie
+
+Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ OVER HERE
+
+
+
+
+ =============================
+ THE STORY OF "OVER THERE"
+ EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT
+ -----------------------------
+
+ HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT
+
+ BY HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab.
+ Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery
+
+ Illustrated, $1.35 net
+
+ "A Masterpiece"--NEW YORK SUN
+
+
+_Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms_
+
+      It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in
+      store for him at the front. This book will give you the
+      facts,--read it and counsel your boy for his physical and
+      spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his
+      attention to the chapters that you think will be of the
+      greatest value to him.
+
+_If You Are an American_
+
+      Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living
+      and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It
+      will help you understand what difficulties face our army,
+      both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read
+      the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy
+      and greater understanding.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+ OVER HERE
+
+ IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA
+ BY A BRITISH OFFICER
+
+
+
+ HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab.
+
+ SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY
+
+ AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT"
+
+
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+
+
+ PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON
+ J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+ 1918
+
+
+
+
+ COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+
+ PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918
+
+ PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+ AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS
+ PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+ TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER
+ A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO
+ DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917
+ THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE
+
+
+During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to
+other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to
+admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since
+it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to
+let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts.
+
+From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have
+been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought possible
+in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where misunderstanding
+has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able to express my
+feelings.
+
+I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a
+little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that
+American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense.
+
+Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman
+to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising
+his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was interesting
+to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride ourselves
+upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is obvious.
+Most humour is based upon the surprising incidents and coincidents of
+domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British to appreciate
+specious American humour when we know nothing of American home life, and
+but little of American society?
+
+When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as
+pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have
+become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own
+countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite
+sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to
+criticise the American people.
+
+During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon
+anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been
+written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my
+room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to
+speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards
+good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to
+amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite
+hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong
+intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations.
+
+ HECTOR MACQUARRIE.
+
+ BETHLEHEM, PA., November, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ CHAPTER                                                  PAGE
+
+     I. A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA           11
+
+    II. NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE
+          MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"                           17
+
+   III. SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"                  36
+
+    IV. "VERY'S LIGHTS"                                     46
+
+     V. A CHRISTMAS TRUCE                                   52
+
+    VI. GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY!
+          THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF BECOMING BURIED        77
+
+   VII. SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT                      84
+
+  VIII. LACRYMATORY SHELLS                                  95
+
+    IX. SHELLS                                             113
+
+     X. SUBMARINES                                         129
+
+    XI. AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT                           137
+
+   XII. SIX DAY'S LEAVE                                    146
+
+  XIII. GUNS AND CARRIAGES                                 162
+
+   XIV. A PREMATURE                                        180
+
+    XV. "BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"                       188
+
+   XVI. A NAVAL VICTORY                                    196
+
+  XVII. POISONOUS GAS                                      209
+
+ XVIII. THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA                               219
+
+
+
+
+OVER HERE
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA
+
+
+ R. M. S. BEGONIA, Atlantic Ocean,
+ August 30, 1917.
+
+When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite
+certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United
+States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my
+days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills,
+accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless
+there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the
+whole I felt glad.
+
+After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent
+home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light
+duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed
+to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help
+in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would
+be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the
+sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the
+proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer.
+
+My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I
+rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They
+are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic
+relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of
+course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type,
+rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we
+still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course,
+make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their
+national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other
+hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out.
+
+It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the
+Germans. We dislike them. They ought to.
+
+However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the
+munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was
+astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and
+especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the
+thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses
+like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women,"
+whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They
+were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young persons
+merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms, sweeping up the
+floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one, sweeping up the
+floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep and saying,
+"Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer gun and
+carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting behind it
+having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some confusion and
+looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be called
+"pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon rooms
+provided for the women. When women do things there is always a graceful
+touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge of
+several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking, the
+women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were
+closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes
+arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman.
+
+The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of
+them hate this--naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her
+hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I
+don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be
+insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in
+the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of her scalp. I won't vouch
+for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the
+accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large
+munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that
+while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there
+were certain risks of losing the glory altogether--and was it worth
+while?
+
+I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to
+jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful
+cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days
+in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army
+form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in
+Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they
+will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that
+is all that matters.
+
+Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a
+rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the
+Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes.
+Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big
+thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her
+husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was
+caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an
+unfortunate incident with a harmless lamb, which made his stay in the
+country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so
+that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I
+took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would
+suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an
+humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the
+tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a
+dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I
+decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few
+objections, but I regretted that he was so big.
+
+He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him
+safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right,
+and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to
+spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of
+the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox
+terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little
+puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight
+dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps
+too much humour.
+
+These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am
+enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by
+another officer from the navy, a correspondent of the _Daily Mail_, and
+a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked
+Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in
+an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I
+think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling
+it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he
+observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick
+any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great
+faith.
+
+We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an
+unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am
+sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people,
+and the Bostonian sought another table.
+
+We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New
+York and the skyscrapers.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.
+
+After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off
+the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson
+River.
+
+What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely
+"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy
+and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks,
+where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot
+impress a stranger when he first gets there.
+
+The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white,
+sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous
+products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When
+man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes
+off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at
+dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little
+puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to
+twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the
+buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently
+untidy.
+
+Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss
+to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with
+a kindly face, called Captain H----. I have never been able to decide
+whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian
+army, a sea captain, or what.
+
+This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He
+expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the
+naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled
+around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him
+about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been
+appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an
+untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of
+New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around
+the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be
+numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of
+variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey.
+
+We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going
+to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an
+impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few
+days. I thought, however, that the road seemed a bit bumpy, and I must
+admit that I disliked the taxicab.
+
+Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a
+place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral.
+There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men,
+very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He
+spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the
+desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent
+expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and
+finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the
+"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that
+America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel
+clerks and head waiters in their places.
+
+We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly
+ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft
+tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and
+the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a
+gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear
+oneself speak.
+
+American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think
+it is much nicer. H---- ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We
+had clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English
+coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of
+mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of
+"playing" with it as we do.
+
+After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors.
+I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of
+the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch
+accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common
+friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty
+it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of
+fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete
+aristocracy--why I don't know--and with his keen manner let me know it.
+He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely
+useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter
+of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us
+and is a splendid chap.
+
+Later he confided to H----, and H---- confided to us, that a man who
+could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war
+time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but
+it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will
+power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good
+position, naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the
+fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar
+struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his
+feelings, with little success, alas!
+
+I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst
+others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very
+interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not
+know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come
+under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that
+was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense
+of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great
+deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the
+chorus generally, bordered on the _risqué_. There seems, also, to be a
+type of _comédienne_ who comes forward and talks to the people in a
+diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt
+to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often
+seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale
+in Montmartre.
+
+It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco
+here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New
+York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I
+spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty
+dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I
+naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four
+one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written
+on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that
+the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned
+to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked
+unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one
+dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my
+change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the
+clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried,
+had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best
+policy.
+
+I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much
+overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American
+friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks.
+He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that
+people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown
+off their feet during a gale. They formed cañons. He said that the
+lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the
+health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in
+artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York.
+
+The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are
+wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality
+perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks.
+I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their
+names.
+
+One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered
+what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were
+behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a
+"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon
+squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and
+her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like
+as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her
+pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another
+young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and
+explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied
+any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for
+agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How
+do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the
+finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of
+course there were other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star
+differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until
+"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in
+laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too
+funny for words, and giggled like an idiot.
+
+Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame
+creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only
+to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to
+insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark
+out my order and see what happens.
+
+I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P----, a sapper subaltern,
+conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage
+we left New York at nine o'clock.
+
+In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to
+Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street,
+and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached
+Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we
+had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed
+away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the
+Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I
+was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but
+gauze screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most
+of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One
+may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to
+the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small
+compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this
+compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the
+train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American
+trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is
+very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade,
+ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool
+things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes
+like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said.
+
+After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first
+impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from
+the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut
+shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy
+looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is
+suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life
+in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely
+depressing.
+
+We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on in a wagon. I decided
+to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room
+"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this
+occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall
+very pretty dark young lady.
+
+After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro
+boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel.
+This was done and as P---- and I walked away from the hotel we could
+hear fierce barking and yelping.
+
+At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and
+members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the
+plant and P---- introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I
+shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into
+detailed descriptions now.
+
+These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and
+they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to
+be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the
+place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem
+to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in
+the form of avenues.
+
+I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of
+the people I meet and the impressions I glean of their characteristics.
+Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one.
+In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge
+us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters
+in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a
+little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has
+suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the
+insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of
+this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived
+before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants
+upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all
+the interesting qualities that man is heir to.
+
+I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel
+plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an
+impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I
+insisted, but _not_ with the dog.
+
+There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave
+me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person
+seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached
+being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat
+a dog with a great amount of respect.
+
+Fortunately, a friend--one of the steel officials--offered to look
+after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a
+happy home; so that is all right.
+
+Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low
+tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support
+the belfry above, thus forming an open platform.
+
+At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise.
+At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very
+well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped
+back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we
+found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to
+the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a
+number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some
+earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The
+general effect was pleasing.
+
+After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and
+he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had
+been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of
+sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the
+Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar
+sect.
+
+I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet any of my countrymen. I
+suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B----, who has
+been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with
+some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from
+summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have
+met quite a number of the steel men. L---- has very kindly allowed me to
+have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel,
+however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I
+suppose it is all right.
+
+On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching
+and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an
+extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with
+untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a
+band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful
+procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers
+edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of
+purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or
+purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole
+effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I
+have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and
+they were having a demonstration at Reading.
+
+The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process.
+(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use
+it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the
+climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to
+imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe
+the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous
+value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we
+humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking
+on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the
+Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of
+sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar
+processions would pass often.
+
+My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It
+is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go
+I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable.
+
+The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a
+true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat
+looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States
+definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked
+the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle
+Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless people
+are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to
+regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a
+decent murder or a fire in the same way.
+
+The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and
+want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances.
+They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are
+with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take
+different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially
+France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times
+they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war.
+They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement
+about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies.
+
+I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us
+as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our
+sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think
+that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British
+intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her
+son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks
+that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to
+me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people to show too
+much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They
+are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The
+houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses.
+Portiéres often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive
+occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The
+effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it
+must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on.
+Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their
+servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in
+any case.
+
+On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people
+seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a
+Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian,
+Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look
+into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only
+look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting
+orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old
+pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's.
+Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is.
+
+The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I
+suppose the streets are cleaned sometimes, but never very well. At any
+rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which
+accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any
+citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full
+of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have
+been told that this cannot well be helped.
+
+The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is
+impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large
+rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the
+twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the
+fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe
+that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then
+they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep
+the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there
+are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant
+foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in
+some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The
+Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United
+States entered the war they would soon be _strafed_ by the fatherland,
+and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money.
+
+Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All
+the people photographed are of Southern European blood. One sees happy
+brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded
+by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies
+things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined
+with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests
+on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is
+hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person
+rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in
+time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the
+coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the
+corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his
+waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking
+their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying
+in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other
+children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think.
+These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a
+curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good
+funeral.
+
+I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful
+city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the
+hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place,
+business has taken charge of the people here, but the natural beauty of
+this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man
+who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the
+beauty of the hills:
+
+"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene
+of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees
+contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if
+that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the
+pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the
+sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley,
+is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a
+brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum
+is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of
+brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost
+white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden
+pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of
+berries of a brighter red."
+
+In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very
+lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously
+beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the
+town.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917.
+
+A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to
+have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American
+folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable.
+Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally
+rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have
+all got something attractive about them.
+
+It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the
+country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise
+and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build
+beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around
+them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone
+can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of
+several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give
+wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get
+a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the
+honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women
+dress beautifully, and often tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on,
+everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one
+grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite
+a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all
+happy and cheerful.
+
+It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose
+the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in
+Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London
+to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at
+home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty
+and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the
+jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun.
+
+Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country.
+A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is
+a thundering good fellow--a leader of men. That is the point. One used
+to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse
+manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better
+manners than we have, especially towards women.
+
+Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to
+be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is
+established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is
+large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its
+very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or
+portiéres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into
+a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and
+eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's
+partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She
+may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or
+a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If
+one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves
+a new man to be careful.
+
+I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance
+anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to
+confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the
+situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the
+annoyance of the débutante. I have not danced with any very young people
+yet. I would not dare.
+
+If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by
+the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on
+you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle
+for more than one length of the room is gone. American young men will
+never allow a débutante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch
+of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all
+done very gracefully. To dance with an American débutante requires
+skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the
+music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all
+rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately
+and gently swing with the music.
+
+Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is
+nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young
+people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for
+very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to
+you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs
+this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I
+replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of
+etiquette.
+
+If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of
+being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a
+matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in"
+on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but
+it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she
+would not otherwise get, and she understands. Generally speaking there
+are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses.
+
+There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a
+cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they
+one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a
+broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A
+string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and
+beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great
+compensation to a woman at her prime--her feet. They can be made
+charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and
+sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a
+little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too.
+
+Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American
+cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and
+that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack
+Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well
+decorated, too.
+
+The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In
+Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor
+out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is
+fairly crowded and a little irritating for the débutantes. Still they
+are quite good-natured about it and only smile when a large freight
+locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them.
+
+After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entrée, the music
+starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten
+minutes and then return to the entrée, now cold. This goes on during the
+whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion.
+
+After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the
+large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs.
+This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent
+upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about
+midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a
+couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times.
+Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and
+awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by
+the cocktail party the next day.
+
+What pitfalls there are for the unwary!
+
+One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked
+me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my
+ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called
+her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me _to
+lunch_. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds
+of people there and wondered how they were all going to be seated at
+the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at
+about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to
+stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning
+lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward.
+
+About cocktail parties--well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that
+they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the
+Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one
+said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties
+are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the
+life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter
+of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink
+cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small
+shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the
+Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin
+and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk
+about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their
+way home from church and nicely dressed.
+
+It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us
+all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few
+cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results
+are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are
+usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in
+power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the
+house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly
+always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never
+seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what
+I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly
+hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but
+they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every
+opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally.
+Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become
+quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless
+companions, but out of the question as wives.
+
+When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often
+difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment.
+Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at
+all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are
+either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to
+the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will
+either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she
+will be the other thing. It will be necessary for you to humour her as
+much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good
+hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her
+money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full
+value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you
+to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in
+the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart
+set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but
+the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which
+will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her
+back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the
+lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of
+the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven
+help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop
+than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have
+heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women.
+
+There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should
+not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him.
+But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a
+title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly
+several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls
+are foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude
+towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has
+not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because
+they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have
+known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for
+the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps,
+a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience
+for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose.
+It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child
+arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way
+that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is
+naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain
+steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with
+the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it
+will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot,
+but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will
+always be willing to suffer. Why should she?
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+"VERY'S LIGHTS"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917.
+
+I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas
+Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the
+screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close
+up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to
+know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite
+a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something,
+and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few
+attractions. The people in film land are all interesting.
+
+There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and
+haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and
+what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not
+going to talk about the vampire.
+
+Film stories can be divided into three classes--the wild and woolly, the
+crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human
+interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories.
+
+The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his
+New York home, and his gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a
+friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider
+on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat
+and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find
+himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though
+charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all
+armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of
+the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice
+looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to
+stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A
+little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint
+mademoiselle, _n'est ce pas_, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a
+"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest
+possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us
+fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his
+mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a
+"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine
+well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure.
+
+But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an
+extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as
+he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission to movie actors in
+horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a
+horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it
+is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to
+teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in
+parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach
+them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag
+your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they
+will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all
+missions have--but this by the way.
+
+John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start,
+and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person
+will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live
+for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes
+(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and
+then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling
+that the world without romance would be a dull place.
+
+I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into
+deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by
+Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then
+suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road
+after--Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over
+with the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are
+generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time.
+
+The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a
+little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the
+four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be
+strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their
+houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful
+statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well
+sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times.
+
+In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with
+white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and
+nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge
+and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the
+vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his
+innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying
+a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background,
+praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the
+pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of
+garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at
+a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then
+the scene stops and she probably curses the fellow working the lights
+if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But
+don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably
+punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married
+man.
+
+The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of
+some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow.
+
+They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of
+chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There
+is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good
+looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any
+sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are
+peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good
+looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York.
+
+The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground
+cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink
+a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one,
+and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on.
+
+Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People
+like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write
+his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in
+all things with every one. And so he laughs his way along the screen
+journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very
+brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses,
+and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we
+can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us
+sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes
+and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan,
+really.
+
+Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a
+little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting
+accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little.
+Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to
+the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers
+in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little
+promiscuously, I think.
+
+Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most
+of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why.
+In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are
+even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out
+quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a
+pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well
+played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well
+together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and
+comfortably.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A CHRISTMAS TRUCE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U.S.A., January 25, 1917.
+
+On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a
+comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed
+many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop
+No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said,
+"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up
+by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings.
+Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are
+getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by
+express?"
+
+That Assistant Superintendent never did like me.
+
+Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours
+by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a
+Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there
+"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green
+and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists
+reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas
+Day in a Pullman! And worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with
+the snorers. Mon Dieu!
+
+If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say
+good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing
+how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me
+one disadvantage--the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh
+dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom
+surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince,
+the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the
+stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the débutante. You can't
+stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out.
+
+I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring
+persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way
+would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry
+with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not
+snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a
+gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You
+see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking
+into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out
+in the morning.
+
+Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer of this card snores." Then
+the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His
+Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a
+non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there
+might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers.
+
+I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large
+wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and
+down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice
+mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the
+scale.
+
+As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the
+train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an
+optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours
+before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure
+enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to
+your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing
+yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts.
+Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box,
+and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon
+they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be
+supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of
+inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This
+would look very interesting.
+
+However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on
+its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very
+peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady
+mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an
+awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over
+here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to
+get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you
+hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little
+stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a
+Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other
+comforts.
+
+I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man
+who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great
+favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He
+said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so
+intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a
+wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent.
+
+I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen
+nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in
+the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me
+Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something
+solid, something lasting about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite
+of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is
+notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that
+if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like
+Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers.
+
+Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he
+lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of
+little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal
+arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous
+"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself
+the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful.
+
+All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little
+weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the
+Middle West as asleep to national duty.
+
+I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving
+that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I
+made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario.
+Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following
+words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry
+Xmas to you."
+
+While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially its best hotel, I
+cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept
+by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around
+Christmas.
+
+I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve
+o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things
+pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all
+right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I
+thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him.
+I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the
+train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the
+station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going
+off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that
+should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs
+of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it.
+Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours
+overdue.
+
+After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at
+last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked
+"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was
+twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic
+glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he
+were not assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the
+trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the
+honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been
+sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and
+was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains,
+feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All
+the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite
+lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed.
+
+After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past
+being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I
+sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they
+opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on
+each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap."
+
+"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that
+I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how
+they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked
+astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I
+belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They
+introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many
+questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge
+person of kindly aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was
+the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but
+little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and
+that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal,
+and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect
+remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He
+laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to
+prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a
+person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from
+getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him
+and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is
+difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to
+yours."
+
+The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and
+the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too
+tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that
+they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche.
+
+We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so
+great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their
+opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural
+resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors.
+This is an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak
+too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with
+the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in
+Canada and Bermuda.
+
+After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to
+take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go
+to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I
+hope that I shall meet the large football chap again.
+
+At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun
+was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower
+groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here.
+This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air.
+
+I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called
+Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large
+country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a
+wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the
+distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and
+lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven
+roof.
+
+I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too
+mighty for description, but they are not too lovely and not too
+wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from
+building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their
+beauty.
+
+I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men
+with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They
+were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked
+that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own
+people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who
+had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from
+Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however,
+that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently
+decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but
+might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English,
+be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults
+than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very
+charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one
+of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life.
+
+I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at
+Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"--a very familiar spot. I had often
+plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and had even cooked
+moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert
+Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only
+murmur with the French shop keepers "_c'est la guerre_." These people
+made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent--not
+the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent.
+
+American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians
+are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America
+ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends
+would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have
+learnt not to mention the subject.
+
+They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One
+very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you
+like living with the Yankees?"
+
+I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the
+person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show
+of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I
+desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American
+friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the
+Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time.
+They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought
+the feeling about America was very interesting.
+
+Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said
+that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a
+pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days
+when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my
+Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs.
+Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend."
+
+I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King."
+The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an
+awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over
+here except the sermons.
+
+I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a
+buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the
+King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a
+youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my
+clothing generally.
+
+This was too much for my temper, so I _strafed_ him until he must have
+decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh"
+to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be
+court-martialled.
+
+The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at
+Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat
+at a large store. I am not a very small person, but evidently the
+attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on
+me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his
+department, so I _strafed_ him, and left Canada by the very next train.
+I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I
+had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the
+Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in
+"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride
+when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack
+him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their
+'Gard Darm'--but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to
+visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire.
+
+Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very
+firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has
+changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my
+Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang"
+a bit.
+
+I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another
+table--to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so
+my friend--he was a great friend--said, "Please, Mac, come over, these
+fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of
+wisdom? Not a bit! It was my accent they wanted. But there was no
+intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but
+he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my
+way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every
+one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent."
+Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities.
+
+It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in
+Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they
+can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem
+divide themselves roughly into six groups--the Moravians (I place them
+first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of
+well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans,
+largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners
+who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works.
+
+But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to
+me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the
+same town with them helps one quite a lot.
+
+It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have
+had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very
+far wrong.
+
+Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of England. Obviously large
+numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign.
+Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being
+interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the
+opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality,
+otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the
+less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very
+religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw
+numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly
+they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they
+could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a
+fashionable one.
+
+John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised
+an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of
+England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a
+belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation,
+it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated
+by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour
+by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin,
+so they grew and multiplied.
+
+Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could
+have continued to thrive if it had not been for a friend who appeared
+upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count
+Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small
+settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf.
+
+If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem,
+he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole
+thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had
+a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of
+the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They
+had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young
+lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before
+marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in
+the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies
+in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been
+a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands
+dead and lifeless with pointed fingers--you know the sort of thing--but
+the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something
+characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look
+as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get
+an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist.
+I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers.
+
+Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much converted, and, possibly
+knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle
+here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know
+much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot
+in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the
+Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped
+them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any
+rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of
+the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery.
+I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old
+inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle
+of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by
+the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't
+it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that
+I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from
+saying very much.
+
+Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the
+trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to.
+Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel
+works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys
+from regarding the thing as a terrific honour.
+
+A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother
+dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple
+tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All
+announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone
+choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very
+much, but the thing in itself is very interesting.
+
+I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day
+of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of
+revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was
+ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was
+talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and
+asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all
+right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would
+bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front--it was getting
+a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old
+year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of
+music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We
+All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in.
+Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful
+hymn.
+
+I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were
+a handsome crowd of men and women, great friends of mine for the most
+part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would
+bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and
+I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain
+of war--the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery
+party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will
+get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They
+will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard
+every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless
+defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up
+for them. Still I wonder.
+
+But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk
+who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything--sorrow
+and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons
+willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of
+soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the
+United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of
+this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are
+mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all
+with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and
+the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them,
+I believe, and they live a great deal in the past.
+
+I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell
+you about Brother L----. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of
+the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black
+pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my
+mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord
+in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not
+sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in
+that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had
+a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I
+first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U----'s son a
+lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U----'s husband is not a Moravian, but the
+wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal.
+Brother L---- is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into
+an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by
+to do some skating, I saw brother L---- waiting for a trolley car. I
+offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car
+to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the
+cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister
+was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him
+standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have
+got frozen, for he had to wait ten minutes. Strangely enough he has
+never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the
+world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when
+one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude
+shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a
+tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit.
+
+Now Brother L---- is an American and we who dare to criticise our
+cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and
+sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument
+why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I
+have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I
+finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell
+you all about the "Putz."
+
+One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and
+we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock,
+all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said:
+"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like
+a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all
+descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was
+enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I
+was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink
+offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass,
+took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly
+spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry
+with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass
+after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their
+contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several
+present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall,
+good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards
+me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of
+sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say,
+Cap., will you come and see my p--utz?" I was a little bewildered. He
+repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter
+bombardment and said: "Pre--cisely what is your p--utz." He looked
+comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a
+decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the
+people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of
+our Lord. It suggests a crêche in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But
+yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in
+Bethlehem.
+
+Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house
+containing one is quite open to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to
+be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas
+time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the
+Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small
+boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred
+manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after
+building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars
+dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above
+amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was
+a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged
+to my friend of the club catacomb.
+
+With Mrs. U---- I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly
+lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first
+we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear
+cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness
+and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees
+silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking
+towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual
+Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the
+synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an
+interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite
+distinct. The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be
+breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us
+shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More
+light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds.
+At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the
+Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee
+synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased
+shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but
+soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the
+manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone
+upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the
+darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a
+multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God
+in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'
+
+"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into
+heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto
+Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made
+known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and
+the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known
+abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all
+they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the
+shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her
+heart."
+
+It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the
+outcry of womenkind all over the world.
+
+I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of
+all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most
+possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and
+consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave
+many charming parties. I went to a _bal masqué_ after returning from
+Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm
+and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite
+abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu
+Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF
+BECOMING BURIED
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., February 28, 1917.
+
+So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has
+decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all
+agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that
+we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His
+Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high
+state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men
+and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have
+become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In
+other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like
+His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of
+God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we
+examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed
+with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we
+are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try,
+because William seems to us a poor sort of creature.
+
+I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary
+to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is
+always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there
+are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of
+America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The
+Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of
+this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very
+wealthy merchant prince, with but one object--to get rich as quickly as
+possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are
+concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice
+after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth.
+They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very
+wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and
+wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see
+very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant
+little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children.
+He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of
+freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy
+the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid
+"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and
+a man's duties.
+
+So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you,
+Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John,
+I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right
+track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you
+quite a lot."
+
+Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection
+before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming
+pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient
+power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the
+American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have
+a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job,
+too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a
+democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea
+of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with
+England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily
+scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed.
+This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to
+scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the
+only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and
+I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present
+(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great
+friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the
+climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or
+laugh?
+
+Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great
+minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people
+and settled many arguments.
+
+So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a
+million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity
+that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French
+people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to
+prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in
+the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master.
+
+Thank heaven we can see him as he is really--just a mad chauffeur with
+his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a
+chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom.
+The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is
+a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the
+bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will
+be something left of the machine.
+
+I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It
+was difficult to get lodgings, but I applied to J---- C---- for help
+and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of
+mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J---- C----
+for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland
+for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's
+wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who
+made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now
+I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make
+a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare
+time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I
+please and I know that the two of them are very interested.
+
+One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a
+guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered
+what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was
+still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them
+fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just
+loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all
+soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for
+magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them
+and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns
+she is as depressed as I am about it.
+
+A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland
+terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's
+little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her
+to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy
+and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for
+a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that
+my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I
+fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she
+hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She
+ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her
+milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all
+shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but
+after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on
+the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right
+round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar
+close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack,
+calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him
+for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look
+at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at
+me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we
+had named her, got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and
+rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again.
+I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with
+six rabbits.
+
+Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me
+about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said:
+"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was
+passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed
+and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is
+wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's
+mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends
+throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat
+policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried
+all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her
+disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself.
+
+I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No
+woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making
+themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly
+well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken
+me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her
+veins and she wants to do her bit.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., April 25, 1917.
+
+In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which
+commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds
+have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the
+minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is
+surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over
+the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't
+got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the
+silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very
+worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons.
+
+I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden
+lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the
+folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three
+years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called
+"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes
+made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of
+unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle Sam was just as guilty. He
+himself believes that he was much more guilty because he _did_ have
+nearly three years to think about the matter.
+
+He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not
+trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the
+Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic
+effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right
+from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course,
+that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government
+which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own
+council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally;
+I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will
+learn to understand him. It is about time that we did.
+
+It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular
+feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of
+course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word
+against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he
+is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one
+object--to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but
+the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two
+great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war
+they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until
+Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in
+Sweden somewhere.
+
+All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It
+is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us.
+You will realize this when you discover that an American belies
+absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to
+boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use
+and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe
+that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when
+he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn
+quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at
+the start.
+
+I hate to think of an anæmic German with spectacles turning his machine
+gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they
+expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to
+inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one
+sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally
+being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to
+acknowledge that they are no better.
+
+We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was rather an impossible
+person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a
+German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German
+propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the
+friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over
+here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of
+cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it?
+
+The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck
+to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for
+the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that
+Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of
+constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to
+have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions
+close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very
+awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a
+little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may
+catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary
+spirit is very "catching."
+
+Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a
+wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British
+genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very proper
+gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little
+apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French
+general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we
+sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He
+will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you."
+
+Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our
+very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of
+old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is
+good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician.
+Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a
+foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves.
+He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They
+are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here,
+since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if
+Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down
+the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just
+as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for
+the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness.
+I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents
+the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course,
+we cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but
+I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our
+cousins over here.
+
+Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed
+to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held
+by the best humourists who work for the _London Punch_. An _entente
+cordiale_ with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would
+be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about
+this country.
+
+When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen
+misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes--not an unusual
+sight, especially in regard to the last named--they don't shrug their
+shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They
+merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough.
+
+American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class
+distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest
+difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ
+died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been
+affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at
+the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of
+gentleness. When a man has attained that state of mind which prevents
+him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent
+provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained
+what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has
+approached very closely to the Christian ideal.
+
+And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the
+least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that
+people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more
+thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the
+thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of
+history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have
+met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great
+difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the _New York Journal_.
+
+We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has
+a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of
+it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us
+throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little
+puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much
+humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the
+matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few
+difficulties in the way.
+
+Of course, to talk like this may seem a little strange when the British
+flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes.
+But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean
+nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and
+the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps
+one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good
+results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business,
+but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would
+realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a
+good thing.
+
+If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three
+years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in
+each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if
+we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to
+criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an
+intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great
+help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical
+operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with
+its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited
+to allow the formation of differing groups of people.
+
+In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four
+Hundred, with a mansion on Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American.
+Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot
+of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander
+whose ancestors braved the elements in the _Mayflower_. Mention it
+casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse
+Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one.
+The _Mayflower_ business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people
+arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His
+followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small
+families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the _Mayflower_.
+
+I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not
+long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and
+the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose
+diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to
+her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I
+sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from
+where her children's forebears came.
+
+Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their
+ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk,
+as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the
+great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they
+seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great
+help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap.
+
+To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because
+you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying
+the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect
+manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell
+whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a
+"provincial," poor chap!
+
+Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good
+idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about
+the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too
+lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is
+what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much.
+
+Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was
+faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where
+his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any
+Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the
+house in a hansom cab?"
+
+"Yes," he replied.
+
+"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye."
+
+"Are there any others?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, but they're all thieves."
+
+She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a
+"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a
+'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice
+shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines
+living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+LACRYMATORY SHELLS
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, July 23, 1917.
+
+A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I
+know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather
+depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of
+marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no
+means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him,
+it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme
+Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become
+very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This
+lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost
+all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely
+nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton.
+
+I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a
+perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing
+a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of
+undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low
+townee fellow said "rats" to one of her statements. She replied with
+the sweetest smile in the world: "_That's_ an intelligent remark," while
+a large football player took revenge on the chap.
+
+From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk
+of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their
+habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by
+their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the
+English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature
+American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility
+towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about
+it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for
+horses, but hell for women."
+
+Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small
+and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then
+about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily
+furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they
+liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I
+said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of
+the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the
+number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really
+brutal man was equally useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was
+the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well.
+"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband,
+to light his study lamps for him--perhaps when he is tired after a day's
+work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by
+the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I
+continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was
+serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether
+serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember
+once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at
+all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness
+commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed
+from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and
+finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft
+house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a
+little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she
+explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to
+do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from
+visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really
+well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished
+at the devotion shown by his wife.
+
+But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American
+town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she
+said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his
+slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and
+helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was
+merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her
+point of view.
+
+Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I
+think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their
+noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study
+their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their
+husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like
+to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior
+working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to
+thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have
+committed suicide or escaped or something.
+
+But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a
+dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a _bon courage_ as a
+French lady once said after I had spoken much French.
+
+Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were
+all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only
+overt act that would stir the American heart to its depths would be the
+shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the
+"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I
+asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they
+all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be
+stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the
+Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I
+have since learnt what a "chicken" is.
+
+When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly
+(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very
+well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes
+about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken."
+She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is
+something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes
+that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that
+necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about
+is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her
+very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness"
+rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are
+generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is
+generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her
+powers. There is a tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what,
+that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with
+her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a
+wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think
+she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine
+her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own
+hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher
+up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather
+admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At
+first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but
+as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any
+other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing
+or not. American men seem to find them very diverting.
+
+The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works
+fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this
+country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for
+me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort
+at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have
+finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her
+friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means
+little harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never
+let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but
+always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and
+shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great
+friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very
+much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge
+nation by the few persons I have met.
+
+If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to
+your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in
+domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the
+business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame
+reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't
+enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to
+be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here
+because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has
+really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I
+will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited
+ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he
+assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But
+Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her
+lover or her slave and she takes the necessary steps to keep him in his
+proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the
+pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does.
+This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when
+they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection.
+Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and
+spend most of their time at the club.
+
+More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction.
+She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and
+friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her
+household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is
+always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very
+appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly
+dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse
+and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on
+dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the
+married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere
+else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of
+the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I
+suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting
+results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude
+towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war
+outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not
+dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that
+women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of
+honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to
+them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt
+their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest
+objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect
+that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are
+indeed veritable cowards by proxy.
+
+When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable
+he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and
+he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable,
+even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he
+gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly
+married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious
+or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been
+put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No
+women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me
+tell you about its _habitués_. Of course, it is impossible to say what
+sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its members
+are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago.
+
+The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men
+of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards
+were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for
+their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly
+some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed
+found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still
+this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to
+fight those Huns.
+
+Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of
+belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor
+to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is
+impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They
+say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say
+brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and
+more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but
+they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was
+sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were
+endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a
+cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man
+next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes a ray of sunshine down
+the cañon." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say
+quick, rapid funny things.
+
+At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and
+other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are
+comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are
+generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that
+this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like
+Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is
+a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed
+in towels, especially during these military days.
+
+But to return to the ladies--we had an interesting young person attached
+to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her.
+Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a
+rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land"
+to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert
+Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears."
+
+One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton
+the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our
+billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read aloud the
+following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the
+London _Times_ which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady,
+young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411,
+London _Times_." After looking round at the three of us he remarked:
+"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better
+answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an
+opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the
+advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of
+heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good
+looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in _les affaires de
+coeur_ was obviously the man.
+
+So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a
+rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so
+the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I
+remember the letter ran as follows:
+
+"Dear Friend:
+
+"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns
+endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give
+you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our
+position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally
+calls 'Somewhere in France.'
+
+"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents
+were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed
+but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as
+he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am,
+but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such
+disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I
+don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by
+Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as
+'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was
+the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anæmic meat
+pie with two friends.
+
+"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my
+brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely
+written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent
+to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large
+box of green sweets called "Crême de Mint," but they were sent to
+Wharton by his fiancée. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that
+famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon
+the portrait of her dead husband.
+
+"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes
+became fixed upon the table cloth, for thereon I read your charming
+notice. We always prefer the London _Times_ as a table cloth. The paper
+is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the _Daily
+Telegraph_, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of
+many arguments.
+
+"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the
+dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with
+me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five
+minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No
+longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's
+loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks,
+sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All
+would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it!
+
+"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your
+charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write
+regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant.
+
+    "When the sun starts to sink from my sight,
+     When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves,
+     There's one thing that's to me a delight--
+     The mail bag from Blighty.
+
+"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive
+your photograph I may even write a sonnet. And now I will close my
+letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence.
+
+  "Yours very sincerely,
+  "Hector Clarke-Stuart."
+
+The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to
+produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard
+to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable
+person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend
+the Royal Academy.
+
+At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both
+knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling
+sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her
+regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening.
+
+The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position
+several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at
+the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant
+Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two
+letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English
+miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with
+some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but
+when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves
+to themselves," thereby showing consideration for others but a mean
+spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very
+respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried
+on.
+
+The other letter was delightful and ran as follows:
+
+"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart:
+
+"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my
+little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am
+now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks
+which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but
+one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but
+indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of
+myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am
+but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to
+tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure
+that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built.
+
+"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers'
+photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not
+know them.
+
+"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas,
+dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am
+sure that things will change.
+
+"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the
+great poet who contributes verse to the _London Daily Fog_ each
+Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to
+your sonnet.
+
+  "Yours very sincerely,
+  "Rosalie De Silva."
+
+Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large
+pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We
+therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special
+orderly.
+
+It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that
+ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as
+well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was
+mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest
+by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the
+correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of
+Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major.
+
+One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the
+back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris
+Hoey."
+
+"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened.
+The maids are called "Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought
+that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie
+must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on
+leave in a few days.
+
+He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was
+inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous.
+Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from
+leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the
+occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never
+seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he
+had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich
+had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during
+his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife
+spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been
+merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+SHELLS
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 5, 1917.
+
+When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the
+object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious
+that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is
+distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods
+so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less
+intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form
+themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is
+inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated
+with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and
+have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if
+their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they
+are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and
+viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These
+gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially;
+upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social
+pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally
+they are received in quite the best society. They consist often of an
+extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people.
+
+An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in
+others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after
+getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself
+to be a general in embryo.
+
+In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms
+where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one
+its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain
+lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and
+exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own
+countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess
+at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I
+decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted
+it.
+
+In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are
+representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller
+nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring
+nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man
+each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind
+of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented
+by one man, and Eddy Y---- looks after him. Great Britain's production
+department and France's inspection department are looked after by
+Captain L----. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans,
+Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all
+kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is
+interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they
+spake with tongues.
+
+In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials
+of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very
+big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very
+important calls upon them.
+
+But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a
+wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and
+worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes
+said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile
+in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but
+she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a
+waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think,
+about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to
+state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth
+Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so
+good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She
+wears a simple blue frock and a large white linen apron which ends at
+her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should
+train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons
+of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably.
+
+As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go
+to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel
+men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents
+possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden
+is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has
+to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading
+the person occupying the lower to change places--the lower person
+obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will
+gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first
+met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he
+remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether
+he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a
+naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made
+over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just
+brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that
+happens to be organizing.
+
+Then there is the head steel inspector. He dislikes English people, he
+thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I
+fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He
+is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes
+and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a
+"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course
+I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to.
+
+Then there is Eddy Y----. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty
+and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He
+loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a
+novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner,
+a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble
+once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it.
+He himself believed it.
+
+"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner?
+Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this
+morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day.
+Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the
+road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a
+chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's
+head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible."
+
+We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to
+sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the
+worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding
+ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we
+mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones
+passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on
+his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to
+sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and
+I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when
+the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What
+the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His
+mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he
+expected to see him running about again in about two days.
+
+Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always
+refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be _some_
+place; and the women, _Ma foi!_
+
+We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially
+those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once,
+especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day,
+two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of
+Russians seemed interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge
+voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans
+laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last
+fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of
+the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last
+you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me
+back at least six points." A good "come back!" _N'est ce pas?_
+
+Then there is Harry M----, one of the finest men that I have met. He is
+very clever and has one big thing in his life--devotion to his wonderful
+country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We
+are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always
+end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than
+most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then
+he girds himself for the combat.
+
+Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there
+were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a
+Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane,
+Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M----, are an Englishman; there ain't
+no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel
+told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how,
+may I ask, do you regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick
+Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just
+an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all
+laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if
+you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as
+much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the
+world to say anything that will hurt him.
+
+I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M----. He told me once that
+during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when
+Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of
+our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel
+company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with
+it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all
+over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons
+because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and
+France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at
+once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I
+know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the
+stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise
+an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. _Yes, to
+fight for England!_
+
+I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they
+would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there
+is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have
+known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in
+spite of our failure to foster it. We established an _entente cordiale_
+with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because
+many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the
+French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with
+America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home
+country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the
+rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans
+have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst
+the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people
+don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over
+a hundred years.
+
+But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike
+us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in
+England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high
+hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old
+fellow--America's only enemy.
+
+I share an office at the moment with a couple of American boys, both
+married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is
+necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I
+felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the
+office next to him. It is better so.
+
+The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and
+looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the
+United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings
+and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the
+father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and
+he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's
+contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books
+and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the
+story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some
+other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop
+or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every
+cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I
+hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen.
+
+The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage
+to get along very well with them both.
+
+There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a galaxy of beauty. I
+hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart
+appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and
+more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine
+tool department at the Ministry in London.
+
+I met old Sir Francis N---- one day going up the stairs at the Hotel
+Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that
+really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink
+when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic
+neutrality. It is better thus.
+
+I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates
+everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business
+it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult
+him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude
+things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the
+person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you
+have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about
+the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably
+became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business
+letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are
+liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are
+insulting a third person it is always good to put before your more
+cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much
+trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion
+is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom
+you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight
+out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs
+is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the
+same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper
+talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own
+actions with a coldly discerning eye.
+
+It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant,
+suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so
+well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful.
+
+There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of
+labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are
+useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a
+fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one
+flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but
+this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually
+splendid.
+
+Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not your
+intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed
+goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon
+the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles
+make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this
+and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these
+spectacles.
+
+Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh
+University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I
+shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until
+nine A.M. How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived
+one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at
+the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I
+looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and
+haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I
+thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on
+Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we
+spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely
+diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair.
+
+The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly
+has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man
+who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to
+work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I
+have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny
+from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from
+his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that
+his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely
+admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters.
+
+As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero
+worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their
+friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest
+amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is
+generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and
+invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and,
+what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse
+breed.
+
+Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible
+for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I
+have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a
+fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we
+had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and
+especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were
+always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by
+comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and
+exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only
+difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people
+have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been
+more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study
+the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England,
+he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier.
+
+I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother
+in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed
+with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under
+the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after
+leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and
+sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of
+wealth wondering if it has really been worth while.
+
+"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We
+work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea
+how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little
+American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent
+thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in
+the city he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark
+is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its
+possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of
+anywhere else.
+
+Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge;
+but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of
+truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I
+have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is
+obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are
+sometimes hard things to learn.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+SUBMARINES
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 30, 1917.
+
+The other day Dicky C---- and I went to Atlantic City for the week end.
+So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt
+my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left
+this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The
+chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this
+worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the
+number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The
+caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our
+destination at about ten o'clock at night.
+
+Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get
+either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were
+turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or
+our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls
+trying to get some hotel to take us in.
+
+We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were
+full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a
+British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This
+worked like magic.
+
+We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the
+building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow
+guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in
+case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having
+wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of
+these.
+
+Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter
+was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes.
+About these clothes--I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost
+know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the
+material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands,
+and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was
+turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine.
+Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do,
+we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to
+starve rather than to give him a cent.
+
+We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a
+poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into
+a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of
+grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt
+more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on
+the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all
+the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very
+lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a
+nickel.
+
+Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in
+bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep.
+
+I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head
+threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted
+that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight
+stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a
+staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study
+in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they
+were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his
+light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and
+dressed.
+
+After breakfast, and as it was a table d'hôte we were not at all sparing
+in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony
+overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I
+made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I
+had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of
+Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour.
+
+We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and
+donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very
+thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a
+continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of
+them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful.
+There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with
+clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There
+were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's
+bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on
+earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look
+awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged
+round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings
+seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no
+intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and
+their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful
+to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very
+strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady
+assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a
+girl's swimming skirt!
+
+I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's
+dress often seems designed to spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches
+are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short,
+displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are
+low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he
+places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of
+his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic
+City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly
+physical beauty in this country is a very high one.
+
+The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for
+Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were
+lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is
+obviously better that it should be as it is.
+
+Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were
+thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their
+existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large
+stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one
+walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer
+part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We
+came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were
+coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly
+diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned
+out. These American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would
+see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful
+swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed
+so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with
+their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for
+observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the
+beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a
+country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This
+fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a
+crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism
+is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open
+air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing.
+
+I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is
+delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange
+procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made
+of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable
+foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent
+architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I
+suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should
+come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and,
+upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be
+with a crowd of cheerful people.
+
+I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer
+season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't
+think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we
+were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go
+up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August.
+
+Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles
+along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from
+their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has
+a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey
+is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea.
+The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the
+inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea.
+Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are
+many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three
+bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the
+circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very
+large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer.
+
+Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for
+our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would
+return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur,
+and asked him for his expense account. Having paid it--it was one
+dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three
+shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little
+money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a
+mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little
+nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the
+chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole
+thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return.
+
+It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me--the
+people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the
+hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they
+have got to live, "_mais je n'en vois pas la necessité_," as some
+philosopher remarked.
+
+When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady
+quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain
+that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went
+over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all
+my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered.
+She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie"
+tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We
+arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT
+
+
+There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing--"Rule for
+the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great
+American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous
+speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing
+called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual
+battle for the United States, and won.
+
+Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham
+Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur,
+King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely
+enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but
+Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt
+about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the
+Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from
+England. I wish they hadn't.
+
+Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He
+and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies
+outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the people by
+the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about
+"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of
+yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies
+without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks
+within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes
+seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors.
+
+Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I
+can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay
+because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its
+wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to
+all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any
+foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who
+make politics their business.
+
+I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the
+faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many
+other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder,
+really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very
+long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the
+year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all
+his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament.
+Even football has developed into a form of trench warfare, sometimes
+not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object--to
+get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business
+schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking
+gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must
+have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never
+seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming
+over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it.
+
+Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that
+the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a
+"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed
+about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people
+subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided
+into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The
+tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money.
+It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One
+heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into
+song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If
+a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm.
+
+So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense
+existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this
+enthusiastic existence has formed a national trait. A man must get
+there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does
+not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often
+dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as
+long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five
+minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city
+killing a few people _en route_ because they have not time or
+inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly
+level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty
+locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really.
+Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have
+often waited from an hour to several hours for a train.
+
+So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this--not
+wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national
+enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and
+politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are
+obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a
+critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault
+of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have
+responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they
+are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong.
+
+One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It
+ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions
+the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a
+politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the
+American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the _New York
+Times_, the _New York Sun_, and the _Public Ledger_ every day and they
+are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers
+and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful
+American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they
+know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell
+their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned
+often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular.
+
+At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but
+during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always
+seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of
+the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to
+last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display
+disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely
+described as "newspaper talk."
+
+And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion
+is breathed against an English policeman by a good newspaper, the thing
+is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the
+policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look
+after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand
+the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of
+rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and
+carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular
+campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world
+to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of
+enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the
+prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever
+they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes
+brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English
+newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head
+police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of
+the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man,
+but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in
+us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then
+the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers.
+Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few
+weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of
+parliament, tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but
+surely it is foolish to criticise the cop.
+
+I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't
+know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories.
+
+If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national
+trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a
+matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are
+awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence
+they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly
+unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the
+telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because
+of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid
+its wires carelessly and untidily.
+
+An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his
+congressman--he never reads what the said gentleman says before the
+House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a
+citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of
+ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a
+particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!"
+
+It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and
+his family well. The next man finds it wanting, so he patches it. A
+concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the
+elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as
+flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first
+fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there."
+
+These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the
+Middle West.
+
+And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big
+background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and
+his natural efficiency allied to good health.
+
+Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That
+may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first
+generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this
+country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can
+see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an
+inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the
+effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants,
+the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The
+police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will
+not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless
+he deserves them.
+
+The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for
+reflection will mould the national character. Things will then change
+for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites,
+that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins.
+
+Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it
+profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million
+dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able
+to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life
+bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large
+estate until he has reached a great age.
+
+Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "_Et tu
+Brute_; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal
+worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by
+our cops. Go thou and do likewise."
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+SIX DAYS' LEAVE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., September 30, 1917.
+
+I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the
+beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and
+see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was
+feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would
+allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I
+decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at
+Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at
+Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the
+entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white,
+possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts
+as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat,
+and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and
+family.
+
+I left Bethlehem at 3 P.M., arrived at Philadelphia somewhere
+around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the
+evening before catching the midnight train for Washington.
+
+While the kit of a mounted officer in the British army has certain
+attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field
+boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot
+and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven
+o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a
+necessity, so I descended to the café and suggested to the waiter that
+he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought
+that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint
+julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American
+people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word
+"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at
+Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large
+column in the café. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He
+did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was
+all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green
+mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more
+thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry.
+
+I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps,
+but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My
+first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt
+myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and
+masses of mint growing on the banks. I felt that delightful sensation
+that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one
+is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the
+dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of
+a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles
+and dentists returns to one's consciousness.
+
+This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see
+the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small
+voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what
+must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very
+familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to
+English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness
+returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the
+distance said: "Waiter, your d---- mint julep has gone to my head and I
+must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice
+expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank
+water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the
+wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite
+of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I
+should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A
+faint knowledge of Christian Science picked up from my chief in New
+York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel
+and along the road and caught my train.
+
+I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps.
+I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was
+extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several
+hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely
+potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is
+comparatively harmless and that it is _not_ a soft drink. Frankly I will
+never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many
+possibilities lurking in its icy depths.
+
+I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a
+wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to
+show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal.
+
+I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to
+accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most
+of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed
+in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store--good material, but
+badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the
+effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of
+them.
+
+Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in
+perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some
+advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they
+had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an
+entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic.
+
+We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that
+town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of
+conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know
+the sort--everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at
+once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of,
+"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been
+over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit
+quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all
+on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter.
+We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses
+soon. Gee! but we'll all have _some_ parties in London some day. We've
+got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our
+lives."
+
+Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers
+always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush
+about any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform.
+They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked
+tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought
+to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform
+that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the
+days of the great peace.
+
+It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in
+England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also
+caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred
+faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks.
+
+However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being
+saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to
+the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the
+latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called
+the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not
+adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've
+often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks
+smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow.
+
+These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole
+thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we
+were all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still
+enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is
+slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for
+we know what we are up against.
+
+Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked
+out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty."
+After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to
+grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then
+time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital.
+
+A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while,
+merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful
+about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it
+seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military
+life on the many men walking about the streets.
+
+One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior
+officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a
+good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young
+junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that
+the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone
+else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the
+actual difficult, dangerous work, the leading of a charge, for
+instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than
+the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment
+possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most
+impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to
+compare British experience in this respect with American.
+
+In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can
+afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both
+is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He
+is like a second year man at a university--just a little difficult to
+manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their
+platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course,
+when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it
+is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal
+intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling
+of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty,
+rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting
+link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link
+becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who
+makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very
+proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break
+occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than love, and in
+my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the
+affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy
+for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a
+"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar
+feller."
+
+After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a
+slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis.
+
+At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling
+the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I
+hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received
+cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R---- and
+M----. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R---- is
+what we would call in England a typical American girl--original, bright,
+happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M---- represents an
+international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl
+that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all
+abawt yer and yet likes yer."
+
+The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm
+and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep
+them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very
+glad to see him. His father, a naval officer of rank, had lived at
+Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation
+for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with
+mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained
+sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons.
+
+He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person
+being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large
+steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a
+laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town.
+Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales
+department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was
+complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty,
+droll things in one week than most people say in five years.
+
+As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words
+an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to
+Annapolis for a short course of intensive training.
+
+We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis.
+Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and
+has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses
+in England. It seemed sound asleep.
+
+We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good
+looking, playing in a piece called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no
+serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois
+looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing
+scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very
+well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not
+meant for sleeping in.
+
+After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great
+success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people
+came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my
+host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me
+that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible
+for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please
+her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china,
+prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All
+the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was
+quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner.
+
+However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but
+unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the
+grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince
+in a fashionable mausoleum.
+
+The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a
+charming country house on the Severn. There were about twenty of us and
+we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or
+regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is
+impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other
+members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president.
+
+We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating,
+dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had
+engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about
+everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim
+to music before.
+
+The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia
+boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the
+praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there
+is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet
+heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I
+cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds
+its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland.
+
+The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the
+whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy,
+with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and
+finally the main group of buildings, the effect is just wonderful. You
+should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally
+covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice
+seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps
+crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little
+round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by
+the ordinary seaman.
+
+Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the
+ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches.
+They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of
+laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M----, R----, and
+I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we
+have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we
+can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J----, sometimes
+we catch a glimpse of B----; often J---- is at the helm, so we all wave,
+but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we
+return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab
+catching is rather fun, but R---- is very bad at it for as soon as a
+crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets
+very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go.
+
+One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am
+perfectly certain that we stayed too long, but we hated leaving,
+because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was
+their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I
+believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit."
+
+At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated,
+and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short
+speech, every sentence of which was of value--short, brisk, bright,
+inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and
+presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went
+up and returned with their certificates. K---- got a particularly
+enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before
+the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine
+destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get
+him.
+
+After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of
+the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later,
+at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to
+be her guests in New York.
+
+The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the
+hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We
+went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic.
+
+The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the
+show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly
+devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass
+gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a
+little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or
+merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain
+men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies
+from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the
+people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up
+this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while
+hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to
+others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at
+the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very
+puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really
+are.
+
+The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots
+marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage
+to imitate a rather more clever person than himself--Billy Sunday. Of
+course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the
+right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a
+little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show
+that he is sincere and just as capable of making men better as of being
+able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "_Voilá!_"
+
+A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are
+married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby.
+I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all
+red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not
+prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully
+for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big
+smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right.
+
+And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns
+and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to
+Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the
+Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the
+sailors of Uncle Sam.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+GUNS AND CARRIAGES
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.
+
+I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called
+"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about
+guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things
+that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the
+comparative rest of the battlefield.
+
+Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had
+to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation
+of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a
+gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for
+the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who
+desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call
+the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun."
+But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of
+steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a
+layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the
+piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors
+be very careful about this. They are generally awfully good at
+mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They
+can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something
+to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful
+thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go."
+
+Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing,
+and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying:
+"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will
+burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No
+sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of
+that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that
+on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five
+pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater
+arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been
+present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that
+both sides were right--so what can you do?
+
+Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes--the thorough
+mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of
+the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires
+to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments,
+unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop
+foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in
+the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress
+the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job
+have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and
+interesting people.
+
+Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in
+England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I
+come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at
+lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were
+anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors.
+
+In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition.
+The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order
+for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal.
+Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector
+must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer,
+possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that
+things would run smoothly.
+
+In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest
+possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer
+gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that
+all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the
+same sort of work and really good workmen become scarce. Then again the
+inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes
+years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their
+very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a
+little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through
+inexperienced eyes.
+
+A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving
+himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun.
+Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he
+cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war
+is a mild performance.
+
+An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given
+munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and
+the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not
+deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must
+be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of
+course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be
+easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer
+will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the
+manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the
+manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector
+will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers are comparatively
+intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed,
+would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged.
+Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would
+sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly
+sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and
+had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is
+difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop
+"frightfulness."
+
+But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its
+opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it
+reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when
+it is issued to the battery.
+
+The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel
+ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of
+sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will
+not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the
+intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the
+inspector merely gives this a little attention.
+
+The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech
+rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two
+parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The
+inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated."
+It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a
+portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and
+here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine
+displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has
+got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch;
+this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break,
+this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a
+feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for
+he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it
+through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in
+America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge
+of production has a rotten time of it.
+
+However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine
+shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much
+about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer
+has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch
+closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes
+the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the whole thing if
+it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments
+and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who
+will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to
+let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They
+ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they
+are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous
+and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all
+very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but
+it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and
+carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part
+contains the possibility of an argument.
+
+Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of
+manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones
+in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly
+Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any
+"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be
+displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem
+Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe
+me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of
+an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the
+Terriers minus a sense of humour, from taking the futile attitude of
+superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of
+the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty."
+
+Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as
+effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who
+was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles
+from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this
+time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor.
+He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making
+a single enemy." He had personality--that colonel.
+
+An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job
+thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the
+average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I
+said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace.
+Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these
+days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most
+dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and
+pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his
+sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is
+serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man
+causes delays and trouble.
+
+Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no
+sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very
+difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and
+thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his
+autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks
+"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the
+value of personality in every branch of life.
+
+An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never
+exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of
+work--work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and
+fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe
+when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America
+it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American
+manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a
+good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in
+dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them,
+if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the
+Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference--"Pray, gentlemen,
+consider that perhaps you may be wrong."
+
+In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got
+to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut
+sometimes and they often get away with it. Of course, they do not
+always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The
+mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd.
+
+It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short
+cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all
+about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters.
+
+But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that
+happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training
+in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job
+of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done
+quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school
+I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the
+dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in
+the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches
+or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt
+to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am
+ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from
+another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the
+battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was
+told that they had been pinched "by that there lootenant who takes the
+sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course,
+it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and
+although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about
+twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he
+gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing
+himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My
+N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it.
+
+One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be
+a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It
+was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted
+it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read
+orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger.
+
+At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to
+prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the
+school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only
+armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took
+up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders
+that day.
+
+At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I
+saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations
+being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a strategic
+retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to
+me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the
+riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I
+ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the
+riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked
+bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced
+me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and
+then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it
+isn't soldiering."
+
+It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my
+hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and
+looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had
+arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning.
+The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the
+formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else.
+The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was
+nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and
+they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I
+had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be
+trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked
+very bad.
+
+At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My
+own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house
+to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are
+sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried
+until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment
+after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins,
+you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of
+my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion.
+
+Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a
+time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during
+the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in
+orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, _i.e._, that if you want a
+thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are
+willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of
+the risk.
+
+In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a
+little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest
+person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most
+people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne,
+though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only
+officer of rank who had seen service.
+
+One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred
+men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men
+did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These
+emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that
+are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats
+you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section
+of the bellows of a concertina.
+
+Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a
+requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two,
+because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many
+weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is
+trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the
+stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible.
+However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles
+distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the
+department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the
+head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never
+occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the
+sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the
+officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I
+took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for
+life.
+
+The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I
+talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly
+happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps;
+how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the
+ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and
+slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go
+out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met
+an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my
+brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and
+gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely
+the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S."
+or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit,
+and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will
+you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from
+which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and
+quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip
+of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly.
+The men were fools--they took the matter as a joke and commenced
+exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning
+which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the
+very act, appreciated the situation and roared with laughter. After
+that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new
+emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they
+took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When
+this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything
+else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again
+in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud
+soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man
+wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we
+were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field."
+
+The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should
+have been the person to get _strafed_, and not he.
+
+There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and
+carriages.
+
+I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing
+so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had
+no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the
+start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the
+table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business
+and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being
+cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest
+gentlemen. In any case, I decided that if they were cunning the heights
+of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience.
+I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I
+just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We
+must have it. We've got to _strafe_ the Germans somehow and it is up to
+you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At
+any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got.
+
+I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten
+off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the
+difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little
+common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great
+deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee
+manufacturers."
+
+Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street
+boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is
+how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have
+been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an
+inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a
+little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with
+theirs.
+
+The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he
+dislikes killing people by machinery; hence the machinery of war has
+never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is
+impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes
+fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but
+optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some
+bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's
+awful.
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+A PREMATURE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., November, 1917.
+
+I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have
+met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!!
+
+I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a
+spade--and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you
+knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that
+no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and
+those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances
+and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy
+says.
+
+But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to
+understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they
+behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect
+disapproval.
+
+So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily
+educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave
+themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the
+use of an elegant accent called here with a little amusement "English."
+It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is
+merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks
+himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way
+superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course,
+but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at
+once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder.
+
+In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other
+countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you
+regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If,
+unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also
+that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great,
+climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then
+drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and
+your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment.
+
+No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably
+accounts for the fact that Britishers _do_ suffer and are embarrassed
+when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is
+quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a
+snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would
+suspect it.
+
+I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking
+about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American
+to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who
+delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety.
+I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who
+thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been
+extinguished for centuries--and all that sort of thing. In fact,
+anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at
+once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons
+on the continent in the days of peace.
+
+And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them
+down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful.
+I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's
+College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of
+breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They
+were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent
+disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for
+a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been
+such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and
+unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish
+that we could change, because the effect over here is most regrettable.
+One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not
+really an unpleasant people.
+
+Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here"
+and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not
+deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game.
+All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman
+comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior
+attitude, although unconsciously.
+
+The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to
+fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the
+great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way.
+_People don't know this._
+
+In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the
+Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience
+has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through
+years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom
+they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find
+him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us,
+but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of
+people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An
+Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful opportunities for expansion,
+and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with
+that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An
+Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The
+Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for
+his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of
+Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs
+from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer.
+The thing seems a little bit involved.
+
+During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of
+Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the
+whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives,
+having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk
+here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and
+entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head
+becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of
+huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast
+respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses.
+
+The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one
+of two things--either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality,
+but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, mark you,
+very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans.
+
+Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is
+receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to
+entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he
+himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and
+a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his
+mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He
+perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war,
+though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter.
+
+Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American
+society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment
+drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you.
+You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a
+representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a
+gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American
+people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know
+several British people in America who are not known in polite society,
+and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend
+diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the
+whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the
+only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without
+a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to
+the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible
+and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like
+children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes
+them furious, generally the former.
+
+When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of
+either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we
+can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We
+even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people
+may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form
+of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even
+affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed
+in other parts of America, it is _de rigeur_ to say that you are pleased
+to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In
+England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of
+having some ulterior motive. It is not done.
+
+I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour
+mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said
+when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He
+explained that it was the custom of the country and had to be followed.
+It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with
+the folk here.
+
+Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people.
+Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's
+reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a
+party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the
+wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings.
+Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a
+certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and
+expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together
+in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans.
+One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so
+to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very
+interesting tales.
+
+Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities
+amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American
+people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we
+shall bother to like them?
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"
+
+
+I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my
+friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England.
+The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort
+of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful
+organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an
+emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point
+is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have
+a king and that is all there is about it.
+
+When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of
+this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences
+in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and
+Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give
+up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden
+crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the
+rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of
+government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less
+ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy to understand this.
+A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense.
+
+It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this
+country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in
+St. Paul's, London, on America's Day.
+
+They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of
+kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England
+kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of
+Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying
+that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the
+flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution
+to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the
+writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when
+he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think
+that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great
+Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the
+monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of
+the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will
+understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a
+lot.
+
+I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us
+the most effective form of government. A nation is, I suppose, a group
+of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make
+self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity
+and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population,
+this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the
+needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten,
+or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a
+difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain
+succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the
+dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was
+astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from
+every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the
+empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are
+greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of
+the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British
+Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons
+have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must
+be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just
+in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things
+at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day
+are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We
+don't force this loyalty; it just grows.
+
+So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king
+from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such
+results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast,
+and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to
+Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the
+national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools,
+and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any
+part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something
+unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little
+man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I
+wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too,
+where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the
+greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the
+King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we
+British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds
+together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way
+stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child
+remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we
+believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our
+children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies
+and even kings and princesses once more people our minds.
+
+Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in
+fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching
+visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation
+to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its
+attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like
+children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The
+monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us.
+
+There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy.
+We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly
+decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in
+England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition
+party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and
+he has _the_ right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in
+accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the
+royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press,
+wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition
+ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place.
+So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a
+new law gentler and sweeter.
+
+Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous
+power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King
+Edward, some know the influence of our present monarch. All through
+this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and
+suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our
+insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone
+somehow.
+
+The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is
+true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has
+been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded,
+helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of
+individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer
+for the rest of his life.
+
+And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we
+do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our
+foolishness.
+
+A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and
+finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the
+palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father,
+an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave
+him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking
+hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the
+distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said
+very quietly: "I say, Mr. K----, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been
+interested in this boy of _ours_ and remember him well." Then the old
+man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away
+comforted greatly and very proud of his son.
+
+This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies
+our need.
+
+You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a
+king.
+
+If American people want to understand us they must take this into
+account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king
+it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this
+country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from
+a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had
+wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the
+whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from
+an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the
+world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that
+the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season.
+Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still
+exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have
+become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us
+suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed
+in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the
+king on Salisbury Plain the day before embarkation, and as we marched
+past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with
+that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through
+many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it
+helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king
+was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we
+gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men
+of that division are together to-day.
+
+The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly
+over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and
+beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to
+face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and
+awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little
+ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming
+out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother,
+father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day,
+and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a
+president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among
+us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form
+of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would
+never do for us.
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+A NAVAL VICTORY
+
+
+ October, 1917.
+
+I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at
+once called up M----, who said that as she was a member of the Motor
+Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that
+Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said
+that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to
+occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she
+had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward
+unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary,
+nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany
+her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly
+turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me
+to the demonstration.
+
+The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as
+officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several
+hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments,
+and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of
+Sousa.
+
+Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great
+conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little,
+mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of
+course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the
+performers.
+
+He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked
+on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The
+gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt
+rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into
+"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous;
+however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke
+a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather
+too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt
+militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of
+oratorical power.
+
+We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering
+remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W---- stepped
+forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and
+to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned
+out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the
+gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a
+man dressed as a British officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He
+was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an
+engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening
+dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry
+in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started.
+
+He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in
+America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own
+men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though
+the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have
+always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to
+shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers
+that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed
+too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German
+propaganda.
+
+However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal
+with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he
+had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian
+officer, I want to tell you that it is a _Damned Lie_." He brought the
+thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the
+Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure.
+
+A little blood commenced to flow about the stage at this time and he
+was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps
+he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know
+that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal
+columns.
+
+He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not
+in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli
+business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled
+by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the
+wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that
+he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and
+were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us
+there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we
+were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly
+dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of
+the British Empire.
+
+So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he
+waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just
+a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly
+the while and getting a little like a parson.
+
+He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I
+have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney
+paper gave a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor
+being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the
+chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In
+like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous
+insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I
+wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am
+certain did a great deal of good.
+
+I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express
+a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He
+mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were
+eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche,
+and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting
+"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the
+hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing
+in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and
+succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family
+enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the
+blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite
+right, but the thing interested me and I wondered.
+
+Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't
+it true that Germany has been guilty of such filthiness that she is
+slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have
+always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't
+it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking
+of the _Lusitania_ and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in
+Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be
+cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who
+loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the
+Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred?
+
+I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps
+them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of
+Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion
+of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,--all that sort of thing. She is
+bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the
+Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten,
+licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be.
+
+As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and
+I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed,
+except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed"
+cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who
+have told me have spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't
+seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next
+to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I
+have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I
+have heard Fritz admired.
+
+I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major,
+while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get
+atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out
+with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely
+observed that it was very natural.
+
+Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a
+procession of wounded--but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant
+with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories
+on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face,
+and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice
+chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been
+getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the
+German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke
+in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross
+people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"--as a German
+prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I
+returned without the helmet and told the story to the major, and he
+said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins."
+
+Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can
+hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the
+Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been
+taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I
+knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard
+fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either,
+and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the
+Boche were _always_ dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they
+show up badly as sportsmen.
+
+Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into
+the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of
+beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace
+to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the
+newspapers say.
+
+But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being
+affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some
+philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how
+to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be
+stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so
+you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A
+famous member of my clan, David Livingstone, went about amongst the
+most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because
+of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like
+the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not
+let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans
+how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not
+true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense
+of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid,
+vulgar thing called hate.
+
+The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry
+officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts
+of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little
+humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them
+some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly,
+and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience.
+
+The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me
+seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill,
+that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the
+top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in
+the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the
+back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised
+as a gunner officer behind the lines, that he had remained with six
+wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been
+wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines
+at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two
+German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second
+battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in
+the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures----!
+
+And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big
+men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return
+they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell
+them--nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes,
+wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if
+they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very
+easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable
+billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes
+face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my
+service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry
+officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that.
+
+Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a
+horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He
+was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into the mess at times.
+Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several
+of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in
+capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor
+with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench
+surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed
+tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each
+end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had
+little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own
+trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were
+bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was
+a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to
+the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but
+the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He
+gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun,
+so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement.
+
+These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and
+no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for
+killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too
+brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the
+battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being
+attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red
+Cross chap to let him die for his country.
+
+I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what
+impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a
+pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope
+that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that
+sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not
+sure that it is advisable for us to do it.
+
+The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at
+Chestnut Hill. M----'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at
+once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to
+the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A----
+liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of
+Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was
+enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took
+him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled,
+and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by
+the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they
+commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew.
+
+I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think
+that it could not be helped and that perhaps the men made better
+fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France
+and "Flounders" I may feel the same.
+
+At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time.
+They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they
+know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are
+appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our
+men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number
+of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with
+"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man
+has when you are not employing him!
+
+Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys
+stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure,
+one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!"
+
+I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I
+always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the
+world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are
+ashamed of it.
+
+If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away
+with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves,
+too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred.
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+POISONOUS GAS
+
+
+ November, 1917
+
+I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is
+not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and
+the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is
+all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting
+hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally
+speak at club luncheons and dinners.
+
+One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood
+club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful
+evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My
+turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine
+talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and
+I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up
+and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness
+and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny
+stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so
+much that I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I
+did say.
+
+A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the
+club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship
+and affection.
+
+I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When
+the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which
+had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America
+realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to
+England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons
+to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American
+man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At
+the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism
+always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the
+Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and
+some shipwrecks.
+
+Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club
+over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading
+business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and
+endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks
+for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock
+goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an address. I rather love the
+Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members
+behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many
+cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought,
+even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to
+swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen
+business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the
+business world.
+
+Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I
+even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia
+lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people
+present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a
+graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines.
+At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering
+described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the
+sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all
+descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the
+Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in
+a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days
+seemed to be in the air.
+
+Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It
+happened at the Eagle Hotel. One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel
+Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at
+the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B----, I'll be delighted,
+though I am no orator."
+
+So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr.
+B----'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the
+people in this burgh have not _quite_ realised the situation. Many are
+of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond
+of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to
+get money for the Red Cross."
+
+"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B----?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac;
+give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that."
+
+After lunch, Mr. B----, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up.
+(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age.
+He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face,
+hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small
+boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the
+circus.)
+
+He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies,
+men who have heard the whi----stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen
+the burs----ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes
+will address you."
+
+The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind
+a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the
+Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one
+of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound
+and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of
+relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz
+bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on
+to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful.
+
+Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They
+are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're
+up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the
+rope and burn your poor hands.
+
+I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience
+about the Red Cross _à la guerre_. Whenever I tried to thrill them they
+all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the
+trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success.
+I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the
+war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all
+collapsed and I sat down.
+
+Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands.
+
+It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to
+introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the
+chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A
+fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home
+town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a
+small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first
+versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out
+and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This
+was a great help.
+
+About this eulogizing--my Highland blood helps me to understand; my
+English education tells me that it is--well, displaying all your goods
+in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says
+"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these
+eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are
+generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things.
+
+I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food,
+chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's
+to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and
+harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a
+lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell on my
+chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her,
+but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid.
+
+I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I
+were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine
+audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth
+towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my
+year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the
+mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got
+to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee
+heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July,
+1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was
+paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem.
+
+Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss
+the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They
+discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would
+be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job.
+The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited
+upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors,
+colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I
+said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown
+to my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of
+Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large
+number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had
+an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I
+was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice
+thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet.
+
+Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I
+should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult
+for me.
+
+The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many
+fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding
+and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas
+mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that
+should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself
+standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people.
+
+The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and
+I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng
+of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play
+various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into
+"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The
+people then solemnly repeated the oath of allegiance to the Republic,
+while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all
+very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a
+Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time
+as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief
+Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his
+inspiring address was heard by only a very few.
+
+Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a
+little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building
+beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by
+the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of
+happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I
+don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor
+British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building
+behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke
+every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down,
+there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I
+had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels,
+and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass
+and tinkling cymbals--Love. I had a very great love for my friends of
+Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate between Anglo-Saxons
+and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great
+patience.
+
+After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer,
+hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans
+of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to
+France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad,
+it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland,
+and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you."
+One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you
+had any power in England."
+
+Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking.
+Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of
+the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches
+and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for
+the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of
+talking.
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA
+
+
+ December, 1917.
+
+I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and
+have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a
+profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred
+miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases
+out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help
+the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going,
+at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown,
+Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown,
+Huntingdon, and Harrisburg.
+
+At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of
+Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania
+Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the
+Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my
+audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people
+have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation.
+They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism
+which is more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display.
+
+At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming
+place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a
+little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets,
+heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their
+journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people,
+who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country
+in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I
+hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who
+discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling
+in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing
+the Boche even unto the last man.
+
+At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre,
+and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone
+wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to
+gather the attitude of the people.
+
+We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long
+journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for
+it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I
+enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train,
+especially in Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always
+find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way.
+
+I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday
+afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the
+fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room
+was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat.
+
+A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a
+"drummer"--a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its
+consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do.
+I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the
+keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American
+character.
+
+And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling
+for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,--I'm not sure
+that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for
+his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt
+a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had
+bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind.
+
+These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off
+their job. Their numbers are great and their customers are always on
+the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about
+their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal
+with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to
+make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,--both are
+effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for
+must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing
+their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant
+whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men.
+He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way.
+
+The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant
+looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I
+don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?"
+
+The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell _you_ anything."
+
+"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant.
+
+"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed
+son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs
+of atrocities."
+
+The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "_Come in!_" So the
+drummer entered with certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his
+desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer,
+fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar,
+walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over
+the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It
+was not difficult after that.
+
+Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather
+small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour
+in a local club.
+
+At three-thirty A.M. we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest
+of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At
+Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The
+Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience
+and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that
+men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell
+them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all
+that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is
+not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which
+appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before
+him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the
+greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of poisonous gas by
+the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so
+unsporting as to resort to such methods.
+
+Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely
+take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing
+German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round
+of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell,
+the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the
+world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically
+Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months
+to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the
+British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to
+her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam
+to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76."
+
+Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a
+fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will
+be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is
+cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course
+there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the
+rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks--to endeavor to
+foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America.
+My objects cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the
+newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I
+myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much
+better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the
+world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes
+and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he
+replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen."
+
+And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be
+forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform
+looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope
+to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I
+told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were
+all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even
+in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a
+little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until
+they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American.
+They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an
+hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated
+leaving Washington.
+
+Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of
+the man who was drowned there and who bored all the saints in Paradise
+with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy,
+although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a
+corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him
+that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of
+his own.
+
+It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in
+the "movie" theatre was small.
+
+We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic
+and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap
+would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and
+I'm with you."
+
+Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we
+returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I
+loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me
+by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings.
+
+I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey
+ended.
+
+I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be
+the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes
+to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a
+solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote.
+
+Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number
+of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous
+looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only
+because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually
+cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students.
+Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The
+circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and
+was showing promise of a useful life.
+
+I can see it all now; his great friend--for men become great friends in
+a college--working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after
+he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel
+bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend
+solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all
+very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which
+made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that
+night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of
+us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take
+up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight.
+
+The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of
+us who had been swimming received anonymous P. C's. from religious
+persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT
+YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers
+upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we
+recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have
+since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life
+could have been.
+
+When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England
+persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as
+they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to
+punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be
+sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill
+them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we
+should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the
+yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as
+children when they played around her and confided their every trouble,
+the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing,
+friendship--all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to
+church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is
+Love"--and sometimes even in the day nursery.
+
+I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot from a whizz-bang.
+The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to
+think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official
+notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men
+newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You
+can't.
+
+Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote--trying
+to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found
+it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and
+one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the
+fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one
+another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course,
+follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient
+exhausted will have a long convalescence and then--God! what will the
+next war be like?
+
+History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out
+at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find
+some serum that will inoculate us against it.
+
+Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the
+face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with
+their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the
+pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks,
+so great is its devotion. We can see it when by accident we tread upon
+the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of
+groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes,
+begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly.
+We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the
+face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the
+prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the
+world, for it is love.
+
+The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once
+the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church
+with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she
+stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday,
+but during the week--Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it
+that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch
+these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog.
+See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets
+his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real
+thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a
+wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his
+gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead
+driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, at once
+showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But
+in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not
+taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are
+to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the
+world. It is truly our only chance.
+
+Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been
+applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares,
+the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all
+irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is
+hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or
+regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to.
+
+Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I
+suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and
+Flanders--a strange place to learn a strange lesson.
+
+Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with
+many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits
+back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable."
+
+And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown
+out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just
+imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful
+consideration deciding to apply the antidote I have suggested. In three
+days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done.
+Perhaps it could be applied in America.
+
+"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather
+wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after
+finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia,
+according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our
+struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just
+imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down
+Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an
+awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course
+we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge
+battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take
+our just deserts, and we will get them.
+
+
+ PHILADELPHIA, January, 1918.
+
+I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving
+talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our
+first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go
+from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses
+in the Court Houses.
+
+We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 A.M. in the Lehigh
+Valley Railroad's charming train called the "Black Diamond." Our party
+consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a
+British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's
+job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough
+everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told _not_ to do any talking. I
+should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he
+had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his
+own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility.
+
+We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and
+dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed
+to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the
+beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a
+fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who
+advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a
+large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two
+and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to
+sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator,
+having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens,
+addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for
+none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his
+jokes missed fire. At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to
+possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the
+folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than
+their brethren in the cities.
+
+I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay
+in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to
+introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs.
+
+After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of
+young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to
+whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They
+succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy
+any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred
+curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at
+night and cannot go to sleep.
+
+The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we
+addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground
+was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting
+from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the
+congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more
+control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were
+sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said,
+"Yes, quite so--the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up
+there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of
+course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience.
+The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a
+firm desire to get along with the job.
+
+That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly
+large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that
+I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This
+may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a
+good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us
+greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club.
+
+The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every
+town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the
+spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a
+rush. I had friends in Scranton,--a boy and a girl married to one
+another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon
+my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards
+which a great stream of people was advancing.
+
+I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely
+seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some
+members of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to
+the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I
+wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them
+that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the
+veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly
+to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The
+mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have
+faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with
+public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain
+preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in
+their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have
+got hardened to it.
+
+At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six
+hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded
+the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when
+he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone.
+
+Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of
+the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the
+soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and
+slowly. The effect was fine.
+
+After some remarks on the part of the chairman, in which he said that
+the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke.
+He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before.
+It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a
+British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in
+regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an
+hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four
+thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly
+Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very
+easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and
+they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour,
+and I have lived with the British Tommy.
+
+The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful
+audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen
+and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their
+town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in
+for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a
+citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is
+about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this
+war is over, I am quite sure.
+
+That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. Apparently the
+audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a
+reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk
+of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice
+folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of
+course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I
+daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the
+war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity
+to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly
+interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what
+they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two
+meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled
+with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing
+through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled
+with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing
+through." It is a pity that they could not have met.
+
+We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm
+which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and
+Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man
+who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and
+Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget.
+
+People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to
+the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk
+there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective
+sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up.
+
+After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and
+addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York,
+Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would
+be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm.
+
+York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent
+hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little
+way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during
+the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water
+therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice.
+The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief
+residential street,--an avenue called after one of the kings of England.
+
+The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It
+was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have
+dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five
+minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the
+battlefield, but there were several feet of snow, so it was difficult.
+However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves
+occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The
+weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including
+some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic.
+
+The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and
+he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it
+"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French.
+
+Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined
+us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first
+days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with
+us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling
+community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much
+enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who
+desired to enter.
+
+The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an
+English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built
+before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the
+senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the
+American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many
+stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of
+buildings.
+
+We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our
+entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves
+were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour
+of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort
+seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind.
+
+The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all
+the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the
+inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and
+pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about
+its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to
+Middleburg.
+
+The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my
+last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are
+very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to
+Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the
+ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held
+at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant
+seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the
+hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their
+interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To
+me there seemed in this charming little community the spirit of the men
+of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the
+British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were
+fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true,
+nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed
+me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British
+people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in
+view--the downfall of futile autocracy.
+
+The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in
+the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little
+towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride
+creeps over him when he makes the discovery.
+
+How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were
+in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when
+they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length
+and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might
+do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital.
+Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and
+little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators
+address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know
+about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right
+pitch and the Government will then have a certain quantity to base
+their plans upon.
+
+At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism
+that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all
+mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great
+big composite mistake of unpreparedness.
+
+I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to
+town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to
+win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but
+that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this
+is going to be a wonderful help to us.
+
+I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during
+the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks
+in the distance shine with a very rosy light."
+
+And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman
+if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle
+Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will
+not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and
+the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there,
+smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him
+too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face
+when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!"
+
+
+
+
+    +-----------------------------------------------+
+    |             Transcriber's Note:               |
+    |                                               |
+    | Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the  |
+    | original document have been preserved.        |
+    |                                               |
+    | Typographical errors corrected in the text:   |
+    |                                               |
+    | Page   9 Day's changed to Days'               |
+    | Page  16 traveling changed to travelling      |
+    | Page  85 damndest changed to damnedest        |
+    | Page 115 Chilians changed to Chileans         |
+    | Page 116 Chilian changed to Chilean           |
+    | Page 118 fall changed to fail                 |
+    | Page 119 Chilian changed to Chilean           |
+    | Page 128 possesser changed to possessor       |
+    | Page 197 woud changed to would                |
+    | Page 201 German's changed to Germans          |
+    | Page 214 eulogise changed to eulogize         |
+    | Page 215 eulogising changed to eulogizing     |
+    | Page 231 stronge changed to strange           |
+    | Page 242 traveler changed to traveller        |
+    +-----------------------------------------------+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie.
+    </title>
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Over Here
+       Impressions of America by a British officer
+
+Author: Hector MacQuarrie
+
+Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h1>OVER HERE</h1>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3>THE STORY OF "OVER THERE"<br />
+EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT</h3>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<br />
+
+<h2>HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT</h2>
+<br />
+<h4><span class="smcap">By Hector MacQuarrie, B.A.</span>, Cantab.<br />
+Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery<br />
+Illustrated, $1.35 net<br />
+"A Masterpiece"&mdash;<span class="smcap">New York Sun</span></h4>
+
+<br />
+
+<p><i>Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in
+store for him at the front. This book will give you the
+facts,&mdash;read it and counsel your boy for his physical and
+spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his
+attention to the chapters that you think will be of the
+greatest value to him.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>If You Are an American</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living
+and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It
+will help you understand what difficulties face our army,
+both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read
+the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy
+and greater understanding.</p></div>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<div class="img">
+<a href="images/frontis.jpg">
+<img border="0" src="images/frontis.jpg" width="55%" alt="Author Hector MacQuarrie" /></a><br />
+</div>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h1> OVER HERE</h1>
+
+<h3> IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA<br />
+ BY A BRITISH OFFICER</h3>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h2> <span class="smcap">HECTOR MacQUARRIE, B.A.</span>, Cantab.</h2>
+
+<h4> SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY<br />
+
+AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT"</h4>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<div class="img">
+<img border="0" src="images/deco.jpg" width="10%" alt="Publisher's Mark" />
+</div>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h3> PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON<br />
+ J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br />
+ 1918</h3>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h5>COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br />
+<br />
+PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918</h5>
+<br />
+<br />
+<h5>PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br />
+AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS<br />
+PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A.</h5>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h3>TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER<br />
+A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO<br />
+DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917<br />
+THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED</h3>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+
+<h3>A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p>During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to
+other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to
+admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since
+it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to
+let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts.</p>
+
+<p>From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have
+been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought
+possible in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where
+misunderstanding has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able
+to express my feelings.</p>
+
+<p>I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a
+little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that
+American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense.</p>
+
+<p>Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman
+to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising
+his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was
+interesting to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride
+ourselves upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is
+obvious. Most humour <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>is based upon the surprising incidents and
+coincidents of domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British
+to appreciate specious American humour when we know nothing of American
+home life, and but little of American society?</p>
+
+<p>When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as
+pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have
+become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own
+countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite
+sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to
+criticise the American people.</p>
+
+<p>During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon
+anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been
+written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my
+room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to
+speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards
+good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to
+amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite
+hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong
+intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations.</p>
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hector MacQuarrie.</span></p>
+<p style="margin-left: 0.5em;"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem, Pa.</span>, November, 1917.<br />
+</p>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+<div class="centered">
+<table border="0" width="70%" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of Contents">
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdl" width="10%" style="font-size: 80%;">CHAPTER</td>
+  <td class="tdl" width="80%">&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdr" width="10%" style="font-size: 80%;">PAGE</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">I.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">A Naval Battle Followed by Service at Sea</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">II.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">New York Shelled with Shrapnel and an Entrance made to the "Holy City"</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">III.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Social Amenities in "Back Billets"</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_36">36</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">IV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">"Very's Lights"</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">V.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">A Christmas Truce</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">VI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">German Frightful Foolishness! A New Ally! The Hatchet Shows Signs of
+    Becoming Buried</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">VII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Some British Shells Fall Short</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">VIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Lacrymatory Shells</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">IX.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Shells</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">X.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Submarines</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_129">129</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">An Offensive Bombardment</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_137">137</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Six Days' Leave</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_146">146</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Guns and Carriages</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XIV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">A Premature</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_180">180</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XV.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">"Bon for You: No Bon for Me"</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_188">188</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XVI.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">A Naval Victory</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_196">196</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XVII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Poisonous Gas</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_209">209</a></td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+  <td class="tdrtp">XVIII.&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+  <td class="tdl smcap">Through Pennsylvania</td>
+  <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h1>OVER HERE</h1>
+
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<h2>I</h2>
+
+<h3>A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">R. M. S. Begonia</span>, Atlantic Ocean,<br />
+August 30, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite
+certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United
+States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my
+days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills,
+accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless
+there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the
+whole I felt glad.</p>
+
+<p>After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent
+home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light
+duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed
+to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help
+in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would
+be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the
+sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the
+proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I
+rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They
+are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic
+relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of
+course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type,
+rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we
+still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course,
+make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their
+national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other
+hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out.</p>
+
+<p>It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the
+Germans. We dislike them. They ought to.</p>
+
+<p>However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the
+munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was
+astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and
+especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the
+thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses
+like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women,"
+whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They
+were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>persons merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms,
+sweeping up the floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one,
+sweeping up the floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep
+and saying, "Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer
+gun and carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting
+behind it having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some
+confusion and looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be
+called "pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon
+rooms provided for the women. When women do things there is always a
+graceful touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge
+of several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking,
+the women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were
+closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes
+arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman.</p>
+
+<p>The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of
+them hate this&mdash;naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her
+hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I
+don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be
+insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in
+the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>her scalp. I won't vouch
+for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the
+accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large
+munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that
+while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there
+were certain risks of losing the glory altogether&mdash;and was it worth
+while?</p>
+
+<p>I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to
+jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful
+cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days
+in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army
+form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in
+Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they
+will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that
+is all that matters.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a
+rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the
+Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes.
+Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big
+thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her
+husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was
+caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an
+unfortunate incident with a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>harmless lamb, which made his stay in the
+country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so
+that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I
+took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would
+suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an
+humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the
+tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a
+dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I
+decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few
+objections, but I regretted that he was so big.</p>
+
+<p>He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him
+safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right,
+and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to
+spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of
+the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox
+terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little
+puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight
+dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps
+too much humour.</p>
+
+<p>These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am
+enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by
+another <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>officer from the navy, a correspondent of the <i>Daily Mail</i>, and
+a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked
+Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in
+an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I
+think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling
+it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he
+observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick
+any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great
+faith.</p>
+
+<p>We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an
+unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am
+sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people,
+and the Bostonian sought another table.</p>
+
+<p>We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New
+York and the skyscrapers.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>II</h2>
+
+<h3>NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND<br /> AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.
+</p>
+
+<p>After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off
+the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson
+River.</p>
+
+<p>What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely
+"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy
+and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks,
+where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot
+impress a stranger when he first gets there.</p>
+
+<p>The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white,
+sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous
+products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When
+man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes
+off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at
+dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little
+puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to
+twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently
+untidy.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss
+to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with
+a kindly face, called Captain H&mdash;&mdash;. I have never been able to decide
+whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian
+army, a sea captain, or what.</p>
+
+<p>This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He
+expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the
+naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled
+around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him
+about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been
+appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an
+untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of
+New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around
+the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be
+numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of
+variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey.</p>
+
+<p>We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going
+to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an
+impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few
+days. I thought, however, that the road <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>seemed a bit bumpy, and I must
+admit that I disliked the taxicab.</p>
+
+<p>Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a
+place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral.
+There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men,
+very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He
+spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the
+desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent
+expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and
+finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the
+"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that
+America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel
+clerks and head waiters in their places.</p>
+
+<p>We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly
+ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft
+tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and
+the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a
+gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear
+oneself speak.</p>
+
+<p>American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think
+it is much nicer. H&mdash;&mdash; ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We
+had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English
+coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of
+mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of
+"playing" with it as we do.</p>
+
+<p>After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors.
+I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of
+the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch
+accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common
+friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty
+it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of
+fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete
+aristocracy&mdash;why I don't know&mdash;and with his keen manner let me know it.
+He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely
+useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter
+of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us
+and is a splendid chap.</p>
+
+<p>Later he confided to H&mdash;&mdash;, and H&mdash;&mdash; confided to us, that a man who
+could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war
+time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but
+it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will
+power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good
+position, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the
+fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar
+struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his
+feelings, with little success, alas!</p>
+
+<p>I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst
+others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very
+interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not
+know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come
+under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that
+was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense
+of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great
+deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the
+chorus generally, bordered on the <i>risqu&eacute;</i>. There seems, also, to be a
+type of <i>com&eacute;dienne</i> who comes forward and talks to the people in a
+diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt
+to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often
+seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale
+in Montmartre.</p>
+
+<p>It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco
+here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New
+York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty
+dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I
+naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four
+one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written
+on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that
+the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned
+to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked
+unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one
+dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my
+change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the
+clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried,
+had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best
+policy.</p>
+
+<p>I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much
+overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American
+friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks.
+He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that
+people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown
+off their feet during a gale. They formed ca&ntilde;ons. He said that the
+lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the
+health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York.</p>
+
+<p>The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are
+wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality
+perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks.
+I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their
+names.</p>
+
+<p>One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered
+what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were
+behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a
+"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon
+squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and
+her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like
+as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her
+pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another
+young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and
+explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied
+any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for
+agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How
+do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the
+finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of
+course there were <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star
+differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until
+"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in
+laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too
+funny for words, and giggled like an idiot.</p>
+
+<p>Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame
+creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only
+to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to
+insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark
+out my order and see what happens.</p>
+
+<p>I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P&mdash;&mdash;, a sapper subaltern,
+conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage
+we left New York at nine o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to
+Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street,
+and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached
+Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we
+had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed
+away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the
+Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I
+was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but
+gauze <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most
+of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One
+may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to
+the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small
+compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this
+compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the
+train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American
+trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is
+very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade,
+ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool
+things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes
+like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said.</p>
+
+<p>After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first
+impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from
+the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut
+shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy
+looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is
+suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life
+in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely
+depressing.</p>
+
+<p>We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>in a wagon. I decided
+to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room
+"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this
+occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall
+very pretty dark young lady.</p>
+
+<p>After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro
+boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel.
+This was done and as P&mdash;&mdash; and I walked away from the hotel we could
+hear fierce barking and yelping.</p>
+
+<p>At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and
+members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the
+plant and P&mdash;&mdash; introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I
+shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into
+detailed descriptions now.</p>
+
+<p>These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and
+they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to
+be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the
+place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem
+to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in
+the form of avenues.</p>
+
+<p>I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of
+the people I meet and the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>impressions I glean of their characteristics.
+Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one.
+In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge
+us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters
+in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a
+little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has
+suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the
+insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of
+this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived
+before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants
+upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all
+the interesting qualities that man is heir to.</p>
+
+<p>I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel
+plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an
+impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I
+insisted, but <i>not</i> with the dog.</p>
+
+<p>There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave
+me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person
+seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached
+being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat
+a dog with a great amount of respect.</p>
+
+<p>Fortunately, a friend&mdash;one of the steel officials&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>offered to look
+after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a
+happy home; so that is all right.</p>
+
+<p>Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low
+tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support
+the belfry above, thus forming an open platform.</p>
+
+<p>At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise.
+At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very
+well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped
+back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we
+found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to
+the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a
+number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some
+earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The
+general effect was pleasing.</p>
+
+<p>After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and
+he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had
+been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of
+sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the
+Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar
+sect.</p>
+
+<p>I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>any of my countrymen. I
+suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B&mdash;&mdash;, who has
+been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with
+some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from
+summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have
+met quite a number of the steel men. L&mdash;&mdash; has very kindly allowed me to
+have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel,
+however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I
+suppose it is all right.</p>
+
+<p>On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching
+and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an
+extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with
+untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a
+band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful
+procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers
+edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of
+purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or
+purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole
+effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I
+have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and
+they were having a demonstration at Reading.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process.
+(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use
+it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the
+climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to
+imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe
+the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous
+value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we
+humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking
+on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the
+Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of
+sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar
+processions would pass often.</p>
+
+<p>My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It
+is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go
+I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable.</p>
+
+<p>The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a
+true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat
+looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States
+definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked
+the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle
+Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>people
+are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to
+regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a
+decent murder or a fire in the same way.</p>
+
+<p>The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and
+want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances.
+They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are
+with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take
+different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially
+France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times
+they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war.
+They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement
+about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies.</p>
+
+<p>I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us
+as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our
+sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think
+that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British
+intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her
+son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks
+that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to
+me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>to show too
+much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They
+are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The
+houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses.
+Porti&eacute;res often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive
+occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The
+effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it
+must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on.
+Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their
+servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in
+any case.</p>
+
+<p>On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people
+seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a
+Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian,
+Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look
+into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only
+look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting
+orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old
+pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's.
+Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is.</p>
+
+<p>The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I
+suppose the streets are cleaned <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>sometimes, but never very well. At any
+rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which
+accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any
+citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full
+of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have
+been told that this cannot well be helped.</p>
+
+<p>The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is
+impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large
+rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the
+twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the
+fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe
+that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then
+they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep
+the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there
+are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant
+foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in
+some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The
+Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United
+States entered the war they would soon be <i>strafed</i> by the fatherland,
+and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money.</p>
+
+<p>Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All
+the people photographed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>are of Southern European blood. One sees happy
+brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded
+by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies
+things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined
+with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests
+on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is
+hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person
+rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in
+time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the
+coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the
+corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his
+waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking
+their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying
+in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other
+children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think.
+These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a
+curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good
+funeral.</p>
+
+<p>I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful
+city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the
+hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place,
+business has taken charge of the people here, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>but the natural beauty of
+this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man
+who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the
+beauty of the hills:</p>
+
+<p>"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene
+of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees
+contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if
+that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the
+pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the
+sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley,
+is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a
+brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum
+is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of
+brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost
+white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden
+pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of
+berries of a brighter red."</p>
+
+<p>In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very
+lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously
+beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the
+town.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>III</h2>
+
+<h3>SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, December 20, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to
+have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American
+folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable.
+Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally
+rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have
+all got something attractive about them.</p>
+
+<p>It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the
+country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise
+and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build
+beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around
+them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone
+can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of
+several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give
+wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get
+a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the
+honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women
+dress beautifully, and often <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on,
+everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one
+grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite
+a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all
+happy and cheerful.</p>
+
+<p>It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose
+the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in
+Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London
+to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at
+home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty
+and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the
+jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country.
+A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is
+a thundering good fellow&mdash;a leader of men. That is the point. One used
+to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse
+manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better
+manners than we have, especially towards women.</p>
+
+<p>Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to
+be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is
+large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its
+very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or
+porti&eacute;res, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into
+a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and
+eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's
+partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She
+may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or
+a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If
+one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves
+a new man to be careful.</p>
+
+<p>I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance
+anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to
+confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the
+situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the
+annoyance of the d&eacute;butante. I have not danced with any very young people
+yet. I would not dare.</p>
+
+<p>If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by
+the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on
+you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle
+for more than one length of the room is gone. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>American young men will
+never allow a d&eacute;butante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch
+of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all
+done very gracefully. To dance with an American d&eacute;butante requires
+skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the
+music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all
+rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately
+and gently swing with the music.</p>
+
+<p>Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is
+nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young
+people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for
+very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to
+you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs
+this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I
+replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of
+etiquette.</p>
+
+<p>If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of
+being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a
+matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in"
+on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but
+it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she
+would not otherwise get, and she understands. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>Generally speaking there
+are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses.</p>
+
+<p>There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a
+cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they
+one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a
+broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A
+string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and
+beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great
+compensation to a woman at her prime&mdash;her feet. They can be made
+charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and
+sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a
+little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American
+cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and
+that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack
+Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well
+decorated, too.</p>
+
+<p>The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In
+Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor
+out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is
+fairly crowded and a little irritating for the d&eacute;butantes. Still they
+are quite good-natured about it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>and only smile when a large freight
+locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them.</p>
+
+<p>After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entr&eacute;e, the music
+starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten
+minutes and then return to the entr&eacute;e, now cold. This goes on during the
+whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion.</p>
+
+<p>After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the
+large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs.
+This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent
+upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about
+midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a
+couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times.
+Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and
+awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by
+the cocktail party the next day.</p>
+
+<p>What pitfalls there are for the unwary!</p>
+
+<p>One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked
+me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my
+ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called
+her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me <i>to
+lunch</i>. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds
+of people there and wondered how they were all going <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>to be seated at
+the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at
+about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to
+stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning
+lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward.</p>
+
+<p>About cocktail parties&mdash;well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that
+they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the
+Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one
+said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties
+are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the
+life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter
+of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink
+cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small
+shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the
+Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin
+and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk
+about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their
+way home from church and nicely dressed.</p>
+
+<p>It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us
+all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few
+cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are
+usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in
+power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the
+house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly
+always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never
+seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what
+I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly
+hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but
+they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every
+opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally.
+Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become
+quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless
+companions, but out of the question as wives.</p>
+
+<p>When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often
+difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment.
+Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at
+all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are
+either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to
+the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will
+either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she
+will be the other thing. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>It will be necessary for you to humour her as
+much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good
+hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her
+money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full
+value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you
+to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in
+the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart
+set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but
+the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which
+will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her
+back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the
+lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of
+the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven
+help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop
+than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have
+heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women.</p>
+
+<p>There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should
+not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him.
+But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a
+title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly
+several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls
+are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude
+towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has
+not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because
+they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have
+known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for
+the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps,
+a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience
+for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose.
+It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child
+arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way
+that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is
+naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain
+steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with
+the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it
+will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot,
+but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will
+always be willing to suffer. Why should she?</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>IV</h2>
+
+<h3>"VERY'S LIGHTS"</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, December 20, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas
+Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the
+screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close
+up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to
+know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite
+a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something,
+and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few
+attractions. The people in film land are all interesting.</p>
+
+<p>There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and
+haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and
+what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not
+going to talk about the vampire.</p>
+
+<p>Film stories can be divided into three classes&mdash;the wild and woolly, the
+crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human
+interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories.</p>
+
+<p>The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his
+New York home, and his <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a
+friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider
+on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat
+and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find
+himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though
+charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all
+armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of
+the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice
+looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to
+stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A
+little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint
+mademoiselle, <i>n'est ce pas</i>, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a
+"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest
+possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us
+fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his
+mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a
+"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine
+well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure.</p>
+
+<p>But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an
+extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as
+he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>to movie actors in
+horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a
+horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it
+is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to
+teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in
+parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach
+them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag
+your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they
+will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all
+missions have&mdash;but this by the way.</p>
+
+<p>John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start,
+and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person
+will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live
+for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes
+(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and
+then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling
+that the world without romance would be a dull place.</p>
+
+<p>I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into
+deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by
+Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then
+suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road
+after&mdash;Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over
+with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are
+generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time.</p>
+
+<p>The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a
+little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the
+four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be
+strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their
+houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful
+statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well
+sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times.</p>
+
+<p>In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with
+white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and
+nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge
+and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the
+vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his
+innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying
+a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background,
+praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the
+pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of
+garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at
+a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then
+the scene stops and she probably <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>curses the fellow working the lights
+if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But
+don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably
+punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married
+man.</p>
+
+<p>The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of
+some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow.</p>
+
+<p>They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of
+chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There
+is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good
+looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any
+sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are
+peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good
+looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York.</p>
+
+<p>The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground
+cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink
+a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one,
+and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on.</p>
+
+<p>Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People
+like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write
+his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in
+all things with every one. And so he laughs <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>his way along the screen
+journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very
+brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses,
+and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we
+can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us
+sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes
+and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan,
+really.</p>
+
+<p>Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a
+little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting
+accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little.
+Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to
+the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers
+in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little
+promiscuously, I think.</p>
+
+<p>Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most
+of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why.
+In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are
+even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out
+quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a
+pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well
+played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well
+together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and
+comfortably.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>V</h2>
+
+<h3>A CHRISTMAS TRUCE</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U.S.A., January 25, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a
+comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed
+many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop
+No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said,
+"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up
+by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings.
+Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are
+getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by
+express?"</p>
+
+<p>That Assistant Superintendent never did like me.</p>
+
+<p>Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours
+by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a
+Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there
+"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green
+and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists
+reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas
+Day in a Pullman! And <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with
+the snorers. Mon Dieu!</p>
+
+<p>If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say
+good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing
+how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me
+one disadvantage&mdash;the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh
+dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom
+surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince,
+the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the
+stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the d&eacute;butante. You can't
+stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out.</p>
+
+<p>I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring
+persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way
+would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry
+with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not
+snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a
+gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You
+see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking
+into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out
+in the morning.</p>
+
+<p>Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>of this card snores." Then
+the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His
+Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a
+non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there
+might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers.</p>
+
+<p>I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large
+wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and
+down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice
+mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the
+scale.</p>
+
+<p>As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the
+train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an
+optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours
+before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure
+enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to
+your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing
+yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts.
+Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box,
+and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon
+they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be
+supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of
+inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This
+would look very interesting.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on
+its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very
+peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady
+mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an
+awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over
+here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to
+get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you
+hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little
+stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a
+Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other
+comforts.</p>
+
+<p>I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man
+who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great
+favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He
+said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so
+intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a
+wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent.</p>
+
+<p>I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen
+nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in
+the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me
+Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something
+solid, something lasting <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite
+of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is
+notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that
+if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like
+Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he
+lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of
+little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal
+arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous
+"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself
+the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful.</p>
+
+<p>All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little
+weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the
+Middle West as asleep to national duty.</p>
+
+<p>I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving
+that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I
+made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario.
+Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following
+words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry
+Xmas to you."</p>
+
+<p>While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>its best hotel, I
+cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept
+by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around
+Christmas.</p>
+
+<p>I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve
+o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things
+pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all
+right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I
+thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him.
+I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the
+train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the
+station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going
+off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that
+should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs
+of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it.
+Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours
+overdue.</p>
+
+<p>After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at
+last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked
+"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was
+twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic
+glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he
+were not <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the
+trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the
+honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been
+sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and
+was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains,
+feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All
+the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite
+lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed.</p>
+
+<p>After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past
+being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I
+sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they
+opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on
+each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that
+I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how
+they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked
+astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I
+belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They
+introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many
+questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge
+person of kindly <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was
+the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but
+little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and
+that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal,
+and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect
+remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He
+laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to
+prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a
+person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from
+getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him
+and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is
+difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to
+yours."</p>
+
+<p>The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and
+the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too
+tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that
+they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche.</p>
+
+<p>We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so
+great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their
+opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural
+resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors.
+This is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak
+too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with
+the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in
+Canada and Bermuda.</p>
+
+<p>After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to
+take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go
+to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I
+hope that I shall meet the large football chap again.</p>
+
+<p>At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun
+was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower
+groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here.
+This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air.</p>
+
+<p>I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called
+Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large
+country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a
+wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the
+distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and
+lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven
+roof.</p>
+
+<p>I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too
+mighty for description, but <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>they are not too lovely and not too
+wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from
+building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their
+beauty.</p>
+
+<p>I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men
+with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They
+were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked
+that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own
+people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who
+had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from
+Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however,
+that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently
+decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but
+might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English,
+be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults
+than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very
+charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one
+of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life.</p>
+
+<p>I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at
+Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"&mdash;a very familiar spot. I had often
+plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>had even cooked
+moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert
+Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only
+murmur with the French shop keepers "<i>c'est la guerre</i>." These people
+made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent&mdash;not
+the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent.</p>
+
+<p>American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians
+are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America
+ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends
+would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have
+learnt not to mention the subject.</p>
+
+<p>They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One
+very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you
+like living with the Yankees?"</p>
+
+<p>I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the
+person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show
+of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I
+desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American
+friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the
+Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time.
+They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought
+the feeling about America was very interesting.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said
+that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a
+pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days
+when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my
+Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs.
+Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend."</p>
+
+<p>I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King."
+The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an
+awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over
+here except the sermons.</p>
+
+<p>I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a
+buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the
+King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a
+youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my
+clothing generally.</p>
+
+<p>This was too much for my temper, so I <i>strafed</i> him until he must have
+decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh"
+to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be
+court-martialled.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at
+Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat
+at a large store. I am not a very small person, but <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>evidently the
+attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on
+me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his
+department, so I <i>strafed</i> him, and left Canada by the very next train.
+I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I
+had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the
+Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in
+"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride
+when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack
+him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their
+'Gard Darm'&mdash;but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to
+visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire.</p>
+
+<p>Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very
+firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has
+changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my
+Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang"
+a bit.</p>
+
+<p>I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another
+table&mdash;to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so
+my friend&mdash;he was a great friend&mdash;said, "Please, Mac, come over, these
+fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of
+wisdom? Not a bit! It was my <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>accent they wanted. But there was no
+intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but
+he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my
+way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every
+one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent."
+Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities.</p>
+
+<p>It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in
+Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they
+can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem
+divide themselves roughly into six groups&mdash;the Moravians (I place them
+first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of
+well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans,
+largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners
+who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works.</p>
+
+<p>But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to
+me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the
+same town with them helps one quite a lot.</p>
+
+<p>It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have
+had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very
+far wrong.</p>
+
+<p>Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>England. Obviously large
+numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign.
+Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being
+interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the
+opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality,
+otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the
+less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very
+religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw
+numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly
+they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they
+could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a
+fashionable one.</p>
+
+<p>John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised
+an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of
+England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a
+belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation,
+it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated
+by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour
+by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin,
+so they grew and multiplied.</p>
+
+<p>Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could
+have continued to thrive if it had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>not been for a friend who appeared
+upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count
+Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small
+settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf.</p>
+
+<p>If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem,
+he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole
+thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had
+a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of
+the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They
+had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young
+lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before
+marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in
+the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies
+in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been
+a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands
+dead and lifeless with pointed fingers&mdash;you know the sort of thing&mdash;but
+the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something
+characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look
+as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get
+an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist.
+I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>converted, and, possibly
+knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle
+here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know
+much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot
+in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the
+Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped
+them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any
+rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of
+the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery.
+I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old
+inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle
+of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by
+the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't
+it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that
+I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from
+saying very much.</p>
+
+<p>Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the
+trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to.
+Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel
+works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys
+from regarding the thing as a terrific honour.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother
+dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple
+tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All
+announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone
+choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very
+much, but the thing in itself is very interesting.</p>
+
+<p>I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day
+of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of
+revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was
+ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was
+talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and
+asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all
+right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would
+bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front&mdash;it was getting
+a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old
+year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of
+music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We
+All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in.
+Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful
+hymn.</p>
+
+<p>I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were
+a handsome crowd of men and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>women, great friends of mine for the most
+part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would
+bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and
+I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain
+of war&mdash;the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery
+party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will
+get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They
+will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard
+every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless
+defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up
+for them. Still I wonder.</p>
+
+<p>But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk
+who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything&mdash;sorrow
+and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons
+willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of
+soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the
+United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of
+this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are
+mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all
+with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and
+the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them,
+I believe, and they live a great deal in the past.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell
+you about Brother L&mdash;&mdash;. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of
+the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black
+pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my
+mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord
+in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not
+sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in
+that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had
+a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I
+first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U&mdash;&mdash;'s son a
+lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U&mdash;&mdash;'s husband is not a Moravian, but the
+wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal.
+Brother L&mdash;&mdash; is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into
+an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by
+to do some skating, I saw brother L&mdash;&mdash; waiting for a trolley car. I
+offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car
+to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the
+cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister
+was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him
+standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have
+got frozen, for he had to wait ten <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>minutes. Strangely enough he has
+never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the
+world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when
+one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude
+shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a
+tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit.</p>
+
+<p>Now Brother L&mdash;&mdash; is an American and we who dare to criticise our
+cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and
+sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument
+why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I
+have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I
+finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell
+you all about the "Putz."</p>
+
+<p>One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and
+we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock,
+all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said:
+"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like
+a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all
+descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was
+enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I
+was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass,
+took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly
+spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry
+with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass
+after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their
+contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several
+present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall,
+good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards
+me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of
+sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say,
+Cap., will you come and see my p&mdash;utz?" I was a little bewildered. He
+repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter
+bombardment and said: "Pre&mdash;cisely what is your p&mdash;utz." He looked
+comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a
+decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the
+people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of
+our Lord. It suggests a cr&ecirc;che in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But
+yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in
+Bethlehem.</p>
+
+<p>Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house
+containing one is quite open <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to
+be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas
+time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the
+Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small
+boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred
+manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after
+building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars
+dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above
+amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was
+a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged
+to my friend of the club catacomb.</p>
+
+<p>With Mrs. U&mdash;&mdash; I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly
+lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first
+we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear
+cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness
+and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees
+silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking
+towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual
+Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the
+synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an
+interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite
+distinct. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be
+breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us
+shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More
+light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds.
+At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the
+Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee
+synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased
+shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but
+soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the
+manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone
+upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the
+darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a
+multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God
+in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'</p>
+
+<p>"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into
+heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto
+Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made
+known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and
+the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known
+abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all
+they that heard it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>wondered at those things which were told them by the
+shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her
+heart."</p>
+
+<p>It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the
+outcry of womenkind all over the world.</p>
+
+<p>I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of
+all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most
+possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and
+consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave
+many charming parties. I went to a <i>bal masqu&eacute;</i> after returning from
+Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm
+and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite
+abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu
+Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>VI</h2>
+
+<h3>GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY!<br /> THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF
+BECOMING BURIED</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., February 28, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has
+decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all
+agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that
+we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His
+Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high
+state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men
+and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have
+become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In
+other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like
+His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of
+God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we
+examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed
+with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we
+are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try,
+because William seems to us a poor sort of creature.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary
+to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is
+always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there
+are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of
+America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The
+Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of
+this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very
+wealthy merchant prince, with but one object&mdash;to get rich as quickly as
+possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are
+concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice
+after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth.
+They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very
+wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and
+wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see
+very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant
+little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children.
+He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of
+freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy
+the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid
+"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and
+a man's duties.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you,
+Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John,
+I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right
+track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you
+quite a lot."</p>
+
+<p>Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection
+before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming
+pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient
+power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the
+American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have
+a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job,
+too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a
+democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea
+of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with
+England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily
+scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed.
+This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to
+scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the
+only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and
+I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present
+(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the
+climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or
+laugh?</p>
+
+<p>Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great
+minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people
+and settled many arguments.</p>
+
+<p>So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a
+million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity
+that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French
+people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to
+prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in
+the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master.</p>
+
+<p>Thank heaven we can see him as he is really&mdash;just a mad chauffeur with
+his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a
+chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom.
+The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is
+a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the
+bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will
+be something left of the machine.</p>
+
+<p>I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It
+was difficult to get lodgings, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>but I applied to J&mdash;&mdash; C&mdash;&mdash; for help
+and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of
+mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J&mdash;&mdash; C&mdash;&mdash;
+for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland
+for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's
+wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who
+made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now
+I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make
+a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare
+time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I
+please and I know that the two of them are very interested.</p>
+
+<p>One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a
+guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered
+what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was
+still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them
+fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just
+loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all
+soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for
+magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them
+and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns
+she is as depressed as I am about it.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland
+terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's
+little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her
+to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy
+and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for
+a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that
+my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I
+fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she
+hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She
+ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her
+milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all
+shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but
+after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on
+the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right
+round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar
+close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack,
+calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him
+for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look
+at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at
+me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we
+had named her, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and
+rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again.
+I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with
+six rabbits.</p>
+
+<p>Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me
+about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said:
+"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was
+passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed
+and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is
+wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's
+mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends
+throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat
+policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried
+all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her
+disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself.</p>
+
+<p>I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No
+woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making
+themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly
+well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken
+me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her
+veins and she wants to do her bit.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>VII</h2>
+
+<h3>SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., April 25, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which
+commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds
+have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the
+minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is
+surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over
+the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't
+got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the
+silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very
+worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons.</p>
+
+<p>I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden
+lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the
+folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three
+years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called
+"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes
+made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of
+unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>Sam was just as guilty. He
+himself believes that he was much more guilty because he <i>did</i> have
+nearly three years to think about the matter.</p>
+
+<p>He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not
+trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the
+Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic
+effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right
+from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course,
+that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government
+which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own
+council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally;
+I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will
+learn to understand him. It is about time that we did.</p>
+
+<p>It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular
+feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of
+course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word
+against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he
+is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one
+object&mdash;to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but
+the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two
+great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until
+Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in
+Sweden somewhere.</p>
+
+<p>All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It
+is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us.
+You will realize this when you discover that an American belies
+absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to
+boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use
+and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe
+that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when
+he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn
+quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at
+the start.</p>
+
+<p>I hate to think of an an&aelig;mic German with spectacles turning his machine
+gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they
+expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to
+inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one
+sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally
+being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to
+acknowledge that they are no better.</p>
+
+<p>We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>rather an impossible
+person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a
+German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German
+propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the
+friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over
+here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of
+cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it?</p>
+
+<p>The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck
+to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for
+the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that
+Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of
+constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to
+have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions
+close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very
+awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a
+little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may
+catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary
+spirit is very "catching."</p>
+
+<p>Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a
+wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British
+genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>proper
+gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little
+apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French
+general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we
+sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He
+will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you."</p>
+
+<p>Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our
+very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of
+old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is
+good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician.
+Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a
+foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves.
+He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They
+are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here,
+since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if
+Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down
+the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just
+as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for
+the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness.
+I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents
+the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course,
+we <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but
+I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our
+cousins over here.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed
+to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held
+by the best humourists who work for the <i>London Punch</i>. An <i>entente
+cordiale</i> with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would
+be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about
+this country.</p>
+
+<p>When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen
+misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes&mdash;not an unusual
+sight, especially in regard to the last named&mdash;they don't shrug their
+shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They
+merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough.</p>
+
+<p>American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class
+distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest
+difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ
+died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been
+affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at
+the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of
+gentleness. When a man has attained that state of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>mind which prevents
+him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent
+provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained
+what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has
+approached very closely to the Christian ideal.</p>
+
+<p>And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the
+least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that
+people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more
+thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the
+thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of
+history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have
+met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great
+difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the <i>New York Journal</i>.</p>
+
+<p>We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has
+a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of
+it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us
+throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little
+puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much
+humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the
+matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few
+difficulties in the way.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, to talk like this may seem a little <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>strange when the British
+flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes.
+But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean
+nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and
+the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps
+one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good
+results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business,
+but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would
+realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a
+good thing.</p>
+
+<p>If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three
+years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in
+each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if
+we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to
+criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an
+intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great
+help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical
+operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with
+its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited
+to allow the formation of differing groups of people.</p>
+
+<p>In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four
+Hundred, with a mansion on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American.
+Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot
+of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander
+whose ancestors braved the elements in the <i>Mayflower</i>. Mention it
+casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse
+Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one.
+The <i>Mayflower</i> business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people
+arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His
+followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small
+families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the <i>Mayflower</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not
+long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and
+the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose
+diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to
+her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I
+sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from
+where her children's forebears came.</p>
+
+<p>Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their
+ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk,
+as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they
+seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great
+help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap.</p>
+
+<p>To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because
+you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying
+the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect
+manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell
+whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a
+"provincial," poor chap!</p>
+
+<p>Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good
+idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about
+the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too
+lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is
+what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much.</p>
+
+<p>Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was
+faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where
+his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any
+Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the
+house in a hansom cab?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," he replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye."</p>
+
+<p>"Are there any others?" he asked.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>"Yes, but they're all thieves."</p>
+
+<p>She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a
+"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a
+'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice
+shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines
+living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>VIII</h2>
+
+<h3>LACRYMATORY SHELLS</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., July 23, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I
+know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather
+depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of
+marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no
+means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him,
+it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme
+Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become
+very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This
+lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost
+all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely
+nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton.</p>
+
+<p>I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a
+perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing
+a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of
+undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low
+townee fellow said <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>"rats" to one of her statements. She replied with
+the sweetest smile in the world: "<i>That's</i> an intelligent remark," while
+a large football player took revenge on the chap.</p>
+
+<p>From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk
+of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their
+habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by
+their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the
+English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature
+American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility
+towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about
+it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for
+horses, but hell for women."</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small
+and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then
+about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily
+furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they
+liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I
+said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of
+the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the
+number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really
+brutal man was equally <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was
+the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well.
+"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband,
+to light his study lamps for him&mdash;perhaps when he is tired after a day's
+work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by
+the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I
+continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was
+serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether
+serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember
+once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at
+all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness
+commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed
+from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and
+finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft
+house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a
+little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she
+explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to
+do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from
+visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really
+well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished
+at the devotion shown by his wife.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American
+town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she
+said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his
+slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and
+helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was
+merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her
+point of view.</p>
+
+<p>Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I
+think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their
+noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study
+their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their
+husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like
+to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior
+working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to
+thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have
+committed suicide or escaped or something.</p>
+
+<p>But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a
+dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a <i>bon courage</i> as a
+French lady once said after I had spoken much French.</p>
+
+<p>Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were
+all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only
+overt act that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>would stir the American heart to its depths would be the
+shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the
+"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I
+asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they
+all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be
+stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the
+Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I
+have since learnt what a "chicken" is.</p>
+
+<p>When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly
+(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very
+well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes
+about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken."
+She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is
+something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes
+that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that
+necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about
+is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her
+very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness"
+rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are
+generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is
+generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her
+powers. There is a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what,
+that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with
+her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a
+wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think
+she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine
+her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own
+hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher
+up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather
+admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At
+first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but
+as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any
+other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing
+or not. American men seem to find them very diverting.</p>
+
+<p>The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works
+fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this
+country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for
+me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort
+at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have
+finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her
+friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means
+little <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never
+let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but
+always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and
+shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great
+friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very
+much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge
+nation by the few persons I have met.</p>
+
+<p>If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to
+your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in
+domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the
+business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame
+reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't
+enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to
+be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here
+because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has
+really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I
+will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited
+ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he
+assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But
+Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her
+lover or her slave and she takes <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>the necessary steps to keep him in his
+proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the
+pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does.
+This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when
+they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection.
+Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and
+spend most of their time at the club.</p>
+
+<p>More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction.
+She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and
+friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her
+household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is
+always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very
+appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly
+dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse
+and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on
+dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the
+married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere
+else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of
+the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I
+suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting
+results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war
+outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not
+dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that
+women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of
+honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to
+them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt
+their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest
+objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect
+that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are
+indeed veritable cowards by proxy.</p>
+
+<p>When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable
+he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and
+he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable,
+even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he
+gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly
+married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious
+or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been
+put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No
+women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me
+tell you about its <i>habitu&eacute;s</i>. Of course, it is impossible to say what
+sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>members
+are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago.</p>
+
+<p>The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men
+of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards
+were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for
+their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly
+some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed
+found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still
+this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to
+fight those Huns.</p>
+
+<p>Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of
+belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor
+to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is
+impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They
+say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say
+brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and
+more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but
+they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was
+sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were
+endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a
+cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man
+next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>a ray of sunshine down
+the ca&ntilde;on." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say
+quick, rapid funny things.</p>
+
+<p>At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and
+other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are
+comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are
+generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that
+this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like
+Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is
+a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed
+in towels, especially during these military days.</p>
+
+<p>But to return to the ladies&mdash;we had an interesting young person attached
+to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her.
+Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a
+rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land"
+to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert
+Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears."</p>
+
+<p>One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton
+the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our
+billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>aloud the
+following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the
+London <i>Times</i> which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady,
+young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411,
+London <i>Times</i>." After looking round at the three of us he remarked:
+"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better
+answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an
+opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the
+advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of
+heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good
+looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in <i>les affaires de
+c&oelig;ur</i> was obviously the man.</p>
+
+<p>So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a
+rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so
+the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I
+remember the letter ran as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear Friend:</p>
+
+<p>"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns
+endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give
+you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our
+position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally
+calls 'Somewhere in France.'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents
+were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed
+but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as
+he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am,
+but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such
+disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I
+don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by
+Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as
+'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was
+the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an an&aelig;mic meat
+pie with two friends.</p>
+
+<p>"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my
+brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely
+written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent
+to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large
+box of green sweets called "Cr&ecirc;me de Mint," but they were sent to
+Wharton by his fianc&eacute;e. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that
+famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon
+the portrait of her dead husband.</p>
+
+<p>"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes
+became fixed upon the table <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>cloth, for thereon I read your charming
+notice. We always prefer the London <i>Times</i> as a table cloth. The paper
+is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the <i>Daily
+Telegraph</i>, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of
+many arguments.</p>
+
+<p>"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the
+dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with
+me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five
+minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No
+longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's
+loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks,
+sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All
+would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it!</p>
+
+<p>"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your
+charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write
+regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"When the sun starts to sink from my sight,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">There's one thing that's to me a delight&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The mail bag from Blighty.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive
+your photograph I may even write <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>a sonnet. And now I will close my
+letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span style="padding-right: 11.0em;">"Yours very sincerely,</span><br />
+<span style="padding-right: 8.5em;">"Hector Clarke-Stuart."</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to
+produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard
+to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable
+person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend
+the Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both
+knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling
+sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her
+regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening.</p>
+
+<p>The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position
+several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at
+the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant
+Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two
+letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English
+miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with
+some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but
+when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves
+to themselves," thereby <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>showing consideration for others but a mean
+spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very
+respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried
+on.</p>
+
+<p>The other letter was delightful and ran as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart:</p>
+
+<p>"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my
+little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am
+now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks
+which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but
+one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but
+indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of
+myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am
+but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to
+tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure
+that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built.</p>
+
+<p>"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers'
+photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not
+know them.</p>
+
+<p>"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas,
+dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am
+sure that things will change.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the
+great poet who contributes verse to the <i>London Daily Fog</i> each
+Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to
+your sonnet.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span style="padding-right: 11.0em;">"Yours very sincerely,</span><br />
+<span style="padding-right: 8.5em;">"Rosalie De Silva."</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large
+pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We
+therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special
+orderly.</p>
+
+<p>It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that
+ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as
+well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was
+mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest
+by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the
+correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of
+Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major.</p>
+
+<p>One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the
+back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris
+Hoey."</p>
+
+<p>"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened.
+The maids are called <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>"Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought
+that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie
+must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on
+leave in a few days.</p>
+
+<p>He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was
+inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous.
+Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from
+leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the
+occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never
+seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he
+had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich
+had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during
+his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife
+spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been
+merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>IX</h2>
+
+<h3>SHELLS</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., August 5, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the
+object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious
+that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is
+distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods
+so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less
+intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form
+themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is
+inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated
+with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and
+have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if
+their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they
+are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and
+viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These
+gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially;
+upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social
+pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally
+they are received in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>quite the best society. They consist often of an
+extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people.</p>
+
+<p>An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in
+others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after
+getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself
+to be a general in embryo.</p>
+
+<p>In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms
+where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one
+its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain
+lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and
+exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own
+countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess
+at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I
+decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted
+it.</p>
+
+<p>In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are
+representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller
+nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring
+nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man
+each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind
+of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented
+by one man, and Eddy Y&mdash;&mdash; looks after him. Great Britain's production
+department <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>and France's inspection department are looked after by
+Captain L&mdash;&mdash;. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans,
+Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all
+kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is
+interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they
+spake with tongues.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials
+of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very
+big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very
+important calls upon them.</p>
+
+<p>But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a
+wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and
+worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes
+said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile
+in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but
+she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a
+waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think,
+about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to
+state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth
+Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so
+good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She
+wears a simple blue frock <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>and a large white linen apron which ends at
+her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should
+train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons
+of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably.</p>
+
+<p>As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go
+to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel
+men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents
+possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden
+is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has
+to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading
+the person occupying the lower to change places&mdash;the lower person
+obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will
+gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first
+met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he
+remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether
+he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a
+naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made
+over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just
+brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that
+happens to be organizing.</p>
+
+<p>Then there is the head steel inspector. He dis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>likes English people, he
+thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I
+fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He
+is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes
+and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a
+"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course
+I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to.</p>
+
+<p>Then there is Eddy Y&mdash;&mdash;. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty
+and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He
+loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a
+novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner,
+a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble
+once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it.
+He himself believed it.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner?
+Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this
+morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day.
+Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the
+road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a
+chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's
+head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to
+sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the
+worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding
+ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we
+mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones
+passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on
+his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to
+sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and
+I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when
+the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What
+the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His
+mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he
+expected to see him running about again in about two days.</p>
+
+<p>Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always
+refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be <i>some</i>
+place; and the women, <i>Ma foi!</i></p>
+
+<p>We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially
+those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once,
+especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day,
+two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of
+Russians seemed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge
+voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans
+laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last
+fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of
+the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last
+you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me
+back at least six points." A good "come back!" <i>N'est ce pas?</i></p>
+
+<p>Then there is Harry M&mdash;&mdash;, one of the finest men that I have met. He is
+very clever and has one big thing in his life&mdash;devotion to his wonderful
+country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We
+are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always
+end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than
+most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then
+he girds himself for the combat.</p>
+
+<p>Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there
+were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a
+Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane,
+Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M&mdash;&mdash;, are an Englishman; there ain't
+no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel
+told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how,
+may I ask, do you <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick
+Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just
+an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all
+laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if
+you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as
+much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the
+world to say anything that will hurt him.</p>
+
+<p>I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M&mdash;&mdash;. He told me once that
+during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when
+Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of
+our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel
+company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with
+it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all
+over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons
+because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and
+France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at
+once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I
+know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the
+stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise
+an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. <i>Yes, to
+fight for England!</i></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they
+would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there
+is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have
+known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in
+spite of our failure to foster it. We established an <i>entente cordiale</i>
+with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because
+many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the
+French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with
+America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home
+country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the
+rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans
+have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst
+the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people
+don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over
+a hundred years.</p>
+
+<p>But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike
+us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in
+England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high
+hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old
+fellow&mdash;America's only enemy.</p>
+
+<p>I share an office at the moment with a couple of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>American boys, both
+married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is
+necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I
+felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the
+office next to him. It is better so.</p>
+
+<p>The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and
+looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the
+United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings
+and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the
+father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and
+he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's
+contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books
+and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the
+story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some
+other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop
+or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every
+cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I
+hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen.</p>
+
+<p>The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage
+to get along very well with them both.</p>
+
+<p>There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>galaxy of beauty. I
+hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart
+appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and
+more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine
+tool department at the Ministry in London.</p>
+
+<p>I met old Sir Francis N&mdash;&mdash; one day going up the stairs at the Hotel
+Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that
+really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink
+when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic
+neutrality. It is better thus.</p>
+
+<p>I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates
+everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business
+it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult
+him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude
+things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the
+person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you
+have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about
+the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably
+became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business
+letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are
+liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are
+insulting a third person it is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>always good to put before your more
+cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much
+trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion
+is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom
+you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight
+out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs
+is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the
+same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper
+talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own
+actions with a coldly discerning eye.</p>
+
+<p>It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant,
+suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so
+well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful.</p>
+
+<p>There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of
+labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are
+useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a
+fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one
+flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but
+this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually
+splendid.</p>
+
+<p>Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>your
+intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed
+goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon
+the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles
+make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this
+and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these
+spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh
+University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I
+shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until
+nine <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived
+one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at
+the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I
+looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and
+haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I
+thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on
+Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we
+spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely
+diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair.</p>
+
+<p>The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly
+has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to
+work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I
+have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny
+from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from
+his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that
+his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely
+admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters.</p>
+
+<p>As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero
+worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their
+friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest
+amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is
+generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and
+invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and,
+what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse
+breed.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible
+for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I
+have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a
+fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we
+had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were
+always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by
+comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and
+exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only
+difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people
+have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been
+more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study
+the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England,
+he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier.</p>
+
+<p>I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother
+in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed
+with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under
+the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after
+leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and
+sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of
+wealth wondering if it has really been worth while.</p>
+
+<p>"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We
+work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea
+how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little
+American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent
+thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in
+the city <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark
+is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its
+possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of
+anywhere else.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge;
+but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of
+truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I
+have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is
+obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are
+sometimes hard things to learn.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>X</h2>
+
+<h3>SUBMARINES</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., August 30, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>The other day Dicky C&mdash;&mdash; and I went to Atlantic City for the week end.
+So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt
+my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left
+this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The
+chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this
+worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the
+number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The
+caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our
+destination at about ten o'clock at night.</p>
+
+<p>Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get
+either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were
+turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or
+our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls
+trying to get some hotel to take us in.</p>
+
+<p>We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were
+full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a
+British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This
+worked like magic.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the
+building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow
+guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in
+case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having
+wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of
+these.</p>
+
+<p>Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter
+was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes.
+About these clothes&mdash;I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost
+know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the
+material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands,
+and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was
+turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine.
+Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do,
+we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to
+starve rather than to give him a cent.</p>
+
+<p>We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a
+poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into
+a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of
+grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt
+more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all
+the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very
+lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a
+nickel.</p>
+
+<p>Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in
+bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep.</p>
+
+<p>I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head
+threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted
+that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight
+stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a
+staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study
+in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they
+were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his
+light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and
+dressed.</p>
+
+<p>After breakfast, and as it was a table d'h&ocirc;te we were not at all sparing
+in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony
+overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I
+made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I
+had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of
+Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and
+donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very
+thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a
+continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of
+them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful.
+There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with
+clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There
+were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's
+bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on
+earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look
+awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged
+round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings
+seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no
+intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and
+their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful
+to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very
+strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady
+assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a
+girl's swimming skirt!</p>
+
+<p>I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's
+dress often seems designed to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches
+are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short,
+displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are
+low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he
+places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of
+his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic
+City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly
+physical beauty in this country is a very high one.</p>
+
+<p>The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for
+Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were
+lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is
+obviously better that it should be as it is.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were
+thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their
+existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large
+stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one
+walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer
+part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We
+came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were
+coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly
+diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned
+out. These <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would
+see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful
+swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed
+so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with
+their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for
+observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the
+beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a
+country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This
+fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a
+crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism
+is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open
+air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing.</p>
+
+<p>I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is
+delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange
+procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made
+of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable
+foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent
+architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I
+suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should
+come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and,
+upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be
+with a crowd of cheerful people.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer
+season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't
+think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we
+were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go
+up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August.</p>
+
+<p>Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles
+along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from
+their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has
+a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey
+is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea.
+The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the
+inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea.
+Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are
+many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three
+bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the
+circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very
+large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer.</p>
+
+<p>Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for
+our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would
+return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur,
+and asked him for his expense account. Having <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>paid it&mdash;it was one
+dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three
+shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little
+money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a
+mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little
+nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the
+chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole
+thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return.</p>
+
+<p>It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me&mdash;the
+people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the
+hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they
+have got to live, "<i>mais je n'en vois pas la necessit&eacute;</i>," as some
+philosopher remarked.</p>
+
+<p>When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady
+quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain
+that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went
+over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all
+my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered.
+She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie"
+tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We
+arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XI</h2>
+
+<h3>AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p>There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing&mdash;"Rule for
+the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great
+American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous
+speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing
+called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual
+battle for the United States, and won.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham
+Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur,
+King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely
+enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but
+Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt
+about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the
+Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from
+England. I wish they hadn't.</p>
+
+<p>Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He
+and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies
+outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>people by
+the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about
+"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of
+yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies
+without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks
+within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes
+seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors.</p>
+
+<p>Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I
+can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay
+because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its
+wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to
+all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any
+foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who
+make politics their business.</p>
+
+<p>I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the
+faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many
+other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder,
+really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very
+long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the
+year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all
+his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament.
+Even football has developed into a form of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>trench warfare, sometimes
+not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object&mdash;to
+get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business
+schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking
+gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must
+have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never
+seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming
+over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it.</p>
+
+<p>Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that
+the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a
+"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed
+about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people
+subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided
+into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The
+tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money.
+It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One
+heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into
+song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If
+a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense
+existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this
+enthusiastic <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>existence has formed a national trait. A man must get
+there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does
+not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often
+dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as
+long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five
+minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city
+killing a few people <i>en route</i> because they have not time or
+inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly
+level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty
+locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really.
+Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have
+often waited from an hour to several hours for a train.</p>
+
+<p>So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this&mdash;not
+wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national
+enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and
+politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are
+obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a
+critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault
+of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have
+responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they
+are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It
+ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions
+the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a
+politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the
+American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the <i>New York
+Times</i>, the <i>New York Sun</i>, and the <i>Public Ledger</i> every day and they
+are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers
+and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful
+American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they
+know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell
+their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned
+often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular.</p>
+
+<p>At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but
+during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always
+seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of
+the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to
+last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display
+disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely
+described as "newspaper talk."</p>
+
+<p>And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion
+is breathed against an English <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>policeman by a good newspaper, the thing
+is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the
+policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look
+after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand
+the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of
+rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and
+carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular
+campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world
+to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of
+enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the
+prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever
+they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes
+brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English
+newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head
+police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of
+the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man,
+but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in
+us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then
+the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers.
+Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few
+weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of
+parliament, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but
+surely it is foolish to criticise the cop.</p>
+
+<p>I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't
+know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories.</p>
+
+<p>If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national
+trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a
+matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are
+awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence
+they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly
+unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the
+telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because
+of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid
+its wires carelessly and untidily.</p>
+
+<p>An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his
+congressman&mdash;he never reads what the said gentleman says before the
+House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a
+citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of
+ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a
+particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!"</p>
+
+<p>It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and
+his family well. The next man <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>finds it wanting, so he patches it. A
+concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the
+elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as
+flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first
+fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there."</p>
+
+<p>These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the
+Middle West.</p>
+
+<p>And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big
+background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and
+his natural efficiency allied to good health.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That
+may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first
+generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this
+country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can
+see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an
+inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the
+effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants,
+the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The
+police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will
+not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless
+he deserves them.</p>
+
+<p>The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for
+reflection will mould the national <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>character. Things will then change
+for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites,
+that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins.</p>
+
+<p>Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it
+profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million
+dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able
+to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life
+bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large
+estate until he has reached a great age.</p>
+
+<p>Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "<i>Et tu
+Brute</i>; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal
+worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by
+our cops. Go thou and do likewise."</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XII</h2>
+
+<h3>SIX DAYS' LEAVE</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., September 30, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the
+beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and
+see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was
+feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would
+allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I
+decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at
+Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at
+Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the
+entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white,
+possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts
+as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat,
+and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and
+family.</p>
+
+<p>I left Bethlehem at 3 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, arrived at Philadelphia somewhere
+around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the
+evening before catching the midnight train for Washington.</p>
+
+<p>While the kit of a mounted officer in the British <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>army has certain
+attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field
+boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot
+and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven
+o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a
+necessity, so I descended to the caf&eacute; and suggested to the waiter that
+he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought
+that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint
+julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American
+people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word
+"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at
+Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large
+column in the caf&eacute;. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He
+did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was
+all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green
+mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more
+thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry.</p>
+
+<p>I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps,
+but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My
+first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt
+myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and
+masses of mint growing on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>the banks. I felt that delightful sensation
+that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one
+is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the
+dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of
+a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles
+and dentists returns to one's consciousness.</p>
+
+<p>This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see
+the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small
+voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what
+must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very
+familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to
+English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness
+returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the
+distance said: "Waiter, your d&mdash;&mdash; mint julep has gone to my head and I
+must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice
+expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank
+water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the
+wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite
+of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I
+should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A
+faint knowledge of Christian Science <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>picked up from my chief in New
+York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel
+and along the road and caught my train.</p>
+
+<p>I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps.
+I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was
+extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several
+hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely
+potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is
+comparatively harmless and that it is <i>not</i> a soft drink. Frankly I will
+never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many
+possibilities lurking in its icy depths.</p>
+
+<p>I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a
+wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to
+show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal.</p>
+
+<p>I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to
+accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most
+of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed
+in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store&mdash;good material, but
+badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the
+effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of
+them.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in
+perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some
+advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they
+had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an
+entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic.</p>
+
+<p>We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that
+town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of
+conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know
+the sort&mdash;everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at
+once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of,
+"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been
+over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit
+quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all
+on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter.
+We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses
+soon. Gee! but we'll all have <i>some</i> parties in London some day. We've
+got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our
+lives."</p>
+
+<p>Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers
+always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush
+about <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform.
+They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked
+tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought
+to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform
+that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the
+days of the great peace.</p>
+
+<p>It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in
+England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also
+caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred
+faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks.</p>
+
+<p>However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being
+saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to
+the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the
+latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called
+the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not
+adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've
+often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks
+smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow.</p>
+
+<p>These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole
+thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we
+were <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still
+enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is
+slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for
+we know what we are up against.</p>
+
+<p>Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked
+out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty."
+After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to
+grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then
+time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital.</p>
+
+<p>A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while,
+merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful
+about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it
+seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military
+life on the many men walking about the streets.</p>
+
+<p>One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior
+officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a
+good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young
+junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that
+the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone
+else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the
+actual difficult, dangerous work, the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>leading of a charge, for
+instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than
+the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment
+possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most
+impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to
+compare British experience in this respect with American.</p>
+
+<p>In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can
+afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both
+is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He
+is like a second year man at a university&mdash;just a little difficult to
+manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their
+platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course,
+when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it
+is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal
+intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling
+of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty,
+rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting
+link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link
+becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who
+makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very
+proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break
+occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>love, and in
+my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the
+affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy
+for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a
+"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar
+feller."</p>
+
+<p>After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a
+slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis.</p>
+
+<p>At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling
+the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I
+hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received
+cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R&mdash;&mdash; and
+M&mdash;&mdash;. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R&mdash;&mdash; is
+what we would call in England a typical American girl&mdash;original, bright,
+happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M&mdash;&mdash; represents an
+international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl
+that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all
+abawt yer and yet likes yer."</p>
+
+<p>The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm
+and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep
+them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very
+glad to see him. His father, a naval officer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>of rank, had lived at
+Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation
+for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with
+mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained
+sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons.</p>
+
+<p>He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person
+being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large
+steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a
+laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town.
+Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales
+department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was
+complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty,
+droll things in one week than most people say in five years.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words
+an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to
+Annapolis for a short course of intensive training.</p>
+
+<p>We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis.
+Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and
+has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses
+in England. It seemed sound asleep.</p>
+
+<p>We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good
+looking, playing in a piece <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no
+serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois
+looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing
+scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very
+well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not
+meant for sleeping in.</p>
+
+<p>After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great
+success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people
+came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my
+host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me
+that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible
+for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please
+her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china,
+prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All
+the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was
+quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner.</p>
+
+<p>However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but
+unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the
+grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince
+in a fashionable mausoleum.</p>
+
+<p>The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a
+charming country house on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>the Severn. There were about twenty of us and
+we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or
+regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is
+impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other
+members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president.</p>
+
+<p>We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating,
+dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had
+engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about
+everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim
+to music before.</p>
+
+<p>The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia
+boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the
+praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there
+is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet
+heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I
+cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds
+its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland.</p>
+
+<p>The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the
+whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy,
+with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and
+finally the main group of buildings, the effect is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>just wonderful. You
+should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally
+covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice
+seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps
+crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little
+round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by
+the ordinary seaman.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the
+ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches.
+They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of
+laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M&mdash;&mdash;, R&mdash;&mdash;, and
+I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we
+have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we
+can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J&mdash;&mdash;, sometimes
+we catch a glimpse of B&mdash;&mdash;; often J&mdash;&mdash; is at the helm, so we all wave,
+but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we
+return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab
+catching is rather fun, but R&mdash;&mdash; is very bad at it for as soon as a
+crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets
+very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go.</p>
+
+<p>One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am
+perfectly certain that we <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>stayed too long, but we hated leaving,
+because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was
+their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I
+believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit."</p>
+
+<p>At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated,
+and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short
+speech, every sentence of which was of value&mdash;short, brisk, bright,
+inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and
+presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went
+up and returned with their certificates. K&mdash;&mdash; got a particularly
+enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before
+the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine
+destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get
+him.</p>
+
+<p>After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of
+the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later,
+at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to
+be her guests in New York.</p>
+
+<p>The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the
+hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We
+went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the
+show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly
+devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass
+gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a
+little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or
+merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain
+men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies
+from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the
+people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up
+this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while
+hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to
+others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at
+the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very
+puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really
+are.</p>
+
+<p>The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots
+marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage
+to imitate a rather more clever person than himself&mdash;Billy Sunday. Of
+course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the
+right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a
+little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show
+that he is sincere and just as capable <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>of making men better as of being
+able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "<i>Voil&aacute;!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are
+married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby.
+I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all
+red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not
+prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully
+for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big
+smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right.</p>
+
+<p>And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns
+and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to
+Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the
+Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the
+sailors of Uncle Sam.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XIII</h2>
+
+<h3>GUNS AND CARRIAGES</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called
+"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about
+guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things
+that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the
+comparative rest of the battlefield.</p>
+
+<p>Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had
+to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation
+of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a
+gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for
+the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who
+desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call
+the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun."
+But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of
+steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a
+layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the
+piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors
+be very careful about this. They are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>generally awfully good at
+mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They
+can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something
+to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful
+thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go."</p>
+
+<p>Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing,
+and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying:
+"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will
+burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No
+sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of
+that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that
+on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five
+pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater
+arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been
+present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that
+both sides were right&mdash;so what can you do?</p>
+
+<p>Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes&mdash;the thorough
+mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of
+the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires
+to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments,
+unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in
+the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress
+the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job
+have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and
+interesting people.</p>
+
+<p>Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in
+England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I
+come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at
+lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were
+anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors.</p>
+
+<p>In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition.
+The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order
+for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal.
+Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector
+must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer,
+possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that
+things would run smoothly.</p>
+
+<p>In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest
+possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer
+gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that
+all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the
+same sort of work and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>really good workmen become scarce. Then again the
+inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes
+years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their
+very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a
+little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through
+inexperienced eyes.</p>
+
+<p>A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving
+himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun.
+Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he
+cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war
+is a mild performance.</p>
+
+<p>An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given
+munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and
+the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not
+deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must
+be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of
+course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be
+easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer
+will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the
+manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the
+manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector
+will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>are comparatively
+intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed,
+would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged.
+Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would
+sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly
+sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and
+had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is
+difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop
+"frightfulness."</p>
+
+<p>But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its
+opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it
+reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when
+it is issued to the battery.</p>
+
+<p>The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel
+ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of
+sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will
+not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the
+intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the
+inspector merely gives this a little attention.</p>
+
+<p>The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech
+rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two
+parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated."
+It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a
+portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and
+here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine
+displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has
+got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch;
+this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break,
+this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a
+feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for
+he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it
+through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in
+America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge
+of production has a rotten time of it.</p>
+
+<p>However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine
+shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much
+about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer
+has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch
+closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes
+the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>whole thing if
+it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments
+and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who
+will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to
+let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They
+ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they
+are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous
+and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all
+very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but
+it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and
+carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part
+contains the possibility of an argument.</p>
+
+<p>Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of
+manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones
+in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly
+Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any
+"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be
+displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem
+Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe
+me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of
+an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the
+Terriers minus a sense of humour, from <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>taking the futile attitude of
+superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of
+the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty."</p>
+
+<p>Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as
+effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who
+was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles
+from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this
+time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor.
+He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making
+a single enemy." He had personality&mdash;that colonel.</p>
+
+<p>An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job
+thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the
+average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I
+said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace.
+Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these
+days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most
+dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and
+pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his
+sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is
+serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man
+causes delays and trouble.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no
+sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very
+difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and
+thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his
+autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks
+"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the
+value of personality in every branch of life.</p>
+
+<p>An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never
+exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of
+work&mdash;work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and
+fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe
+when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America
+it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American
+manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a
+good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in
+dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them,
+if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the
+Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference&mdash;"Pray, gentlemen,
+consider that perhaps you may be wrong."</p>
+
+<p>In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got
+to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut
+sometimes and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>they often get away with it. Of course, they do not
+always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The
+mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short
+cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all
+about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters.</p>
+
+<p>But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that
+happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training
+in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job
+of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done
+quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school
+I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the
+dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in
+the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches
+or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt
+to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am
+ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from
+another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the
+battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was
+told that they had been pinched "by that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>there lootenant who takes the
+sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course,
+it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and
+although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about
+twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he
+gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing
+himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My
+N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it.</p>
+
+<p>One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be
+a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It
+was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted
+it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read
+orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger.</p>
+
+<p>At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to
+prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the
+school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only
+armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took
+up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders
+that day.</p>
+
+<p>At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I
+saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations
+being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>strategic
+retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to
+me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the
+riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I
+ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the
+riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked
+bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced
+me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and
+then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it
+isn't soldiering."</p>
+
+<p>It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my
+hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and
+looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had
+arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning.
+The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the
+formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else.
+The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was
+nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and
+they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I
+had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be
+trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked
+very bad.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My
+own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house
+to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are
+sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried
+until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment
+after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins,
+you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of
+my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a
+time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during
+the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in
+orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, <i>i.e.</i>, that if you want a
+thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are
+willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of
+the risk.</p>
+
+<p>In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a
+little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest
+person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most
+people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne,
+though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only
+officer of rank who had seen service.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred
+men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men
+did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These
+emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that
+are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats
+you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section
+of the bellows of a concertina.</p>
+
+<p>Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a
+requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two,
+because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many
+weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is
+trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the
+stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible.
+However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles
+distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the
+department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the
+head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never
+occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the
+sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the
+officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I
+took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for
+life.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I
+talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly
+happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps;
+how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the
+ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and
+slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go
+out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met
+an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my
+brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and
+gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely
+the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S."
+or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit,
+and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will
+you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from
+which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and
+quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip
+of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly.
+The men were fools&mdash;they took the matter as a joke and commenced
+exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning
+which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the
+very act, appreciated the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>situation and roared with laughter. After
+that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new
+emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they
+took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When
+this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything
+else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again
+in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud
+soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man
+wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we
+were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field."</p>
+
+<p>The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should
+have been the person to get <i>strafed</i>, and not he.</p>
+
+<p>There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and
+carriages.</p>
+
+<p>I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing
+so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had
+no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the
+start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the
+table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business
+and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being
+cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest
+gentlemen. In any case, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>I decided that if they were cunning the heights
+of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience.
+I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I
+just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We
+must have it. We've got to <i>strafe</i> the Germans somehow and it is up to
+you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At
+any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got.</p>
+
+<p>I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten
+off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the
+difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little
+common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great
+deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee
+manufacturers."</p>
+
+<p>Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street
+boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is
+how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have
+been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an
+inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a
+little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with
+theirs.</p>
+
+<p>The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he
+dislikes killing people by <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>machinery; hence the machinery of war has
+never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is
+impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes
+fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but
+optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some
+bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's
+awful.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XIV</h2>
+
+<h3>A PREMATURE</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., November, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have
+met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!!</p>
+
+<p>I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a
+spade&mdash;and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you
+knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that
+no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and
+those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances
+and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy
+says.</p>
+
+<p>But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to
+understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they
+behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect
+disapproval.</p>
+
+<p>So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily
+educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave
+themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the
+use of an elegant accent called here <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>with a little amusement "English."
+It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is
+merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks
+himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way
+superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course,
+but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at
+once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder.</p>
+
+<p>In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other
+countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you
+regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If,
+unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also
+that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great,
+climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then
+drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and
+your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment.</p>
+
+<p>No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably
+accounts for the fact that Britishers <i>do</i> suffer and are embarrassed
+when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is
+quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a
+snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would
+suspect it.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking
+about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American
+to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who
+delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety.
+I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who
+thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been
+extinguished for centuries&mdash;and all that sort of thing. In fact,
+anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at
+once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons
+on the continent in the days of peace.</p>
+
+<p>And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them
+down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful.
+I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's
+College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of
+breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They
+were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent
+disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for
+a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been
+such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and
+unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish
+that we could change, because the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>effect over here is most regrettable.
+One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not
+really an unpleasant people.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here"
+and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not
+deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game.
+All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman
+comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior
+attitude, although unconsciously.</p>
+
+<p>The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to
+fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the
+great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way.
+<i>People don't know this.</i></p>
+
+<p>In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the
+Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience
+has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through
+years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom
+they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find
+him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us,
+but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of
+people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An
+Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>opportunities for expansion,
+and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with
+that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An
+Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The
+Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for
+his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of
+Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs
+from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer.
+The thing seems a little bit involved.</p>
+
+<p>During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of
+Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the
+whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives,
+having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk
+here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and
+entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head
+becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of
+huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast
+respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses.</p>
+
+<p>The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one
+of two things&mdash;either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality,
+but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>mark you,
+very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans.</p>
+
+<p>Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is
+receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to
+entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he
+himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and
+a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his
+mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He
+perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war,
+though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter.</p>
+
+<p>Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American
+society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment
+drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you.
+You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a
+representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a
+gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American
+people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know
+several British people in America who are not known in polite society,
+and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend
+diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the
+whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without
+a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to
+the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible
+and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like
+children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes
+them furious, generally the former.</p>
+
+<p>When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of
+either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we
+can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We
+even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people
+may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form
+of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even
+affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed
+in other parts of America, it is <i>de rigeur</i> to say that you are pleased
+to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In
+England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of
+having some ulterior motive. It is not done.</p>
+
+<p>I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour
+mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said
+when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He
+explained that it was the custom of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>the country and had to be followed.
+It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with
+the folk here.</p>
+
+<p>Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people.
+Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's
+reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a
+party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the
+wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings.
+Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a
+certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and
+expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together
+in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans.
+One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so
+to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very
+interesting tales.</p>
+
+<p>Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities
+amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American
+people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we
+shall bother to like them?</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XV</h2>
+
+<h3>"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p>I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my
+friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England.
+The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort
+of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful
+organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an
+emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point
+is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have
+a king and that is all there is about it.</p>
+
+<p>When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of
+this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences
+in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and
+Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give
+up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden
+crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the
+rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of
+government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less
+ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>to understand this.
+A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense.</p>
+
+<p>It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this
+country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in
+St. Paul's, London, on America's Day.</p>
+
+<p>They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of
+kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England
+kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of
+Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying
+that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the
+flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution
+to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the
+writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when
+he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think
+that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great
+Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the
+monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of
+the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will
+understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a
+lot.</p>
+
+<p>I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us
+the most effective form of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>government. A nation is, I suppose, a group
+of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make
+self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity
+and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population,
+this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the
+needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten,
+or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a
+difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain
+succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the
+dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was
+astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from
+every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the
+empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are
+greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of
+the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British
+Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons
+have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must
+be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just
+in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things
+at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day
+are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We
+don't force this loyalty; it just grows.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king
+from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such
+results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast,
+and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to
+Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the
+national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools,
+and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any
+part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something
+unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little
+man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I
+wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too,
+where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the
+greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the
+King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we
+British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds
+together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way
+stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child
+remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we
+believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our
+children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies
+and even kings and princesses once more people our minds.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in
+fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching
+visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation
+to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its
+attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like
+children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The
+monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us.</p>
+
+<p>There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy.
+We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly
+decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in
+England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition
+party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and
+he has <i>the</i> right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in
+accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the
+royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press,
+wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition
+ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place.
+So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a
+new law gentler and sweeter.</p>
+
+<p>Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous
+power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King
+Edward, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>some know the influence of our present monarch. All through
+this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and
+suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our
+insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone
+somehow.</p>
+
+<p>The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is
+true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has
+been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded,
+helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of
+individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer
+for the rest of his life.</p>
+
+<p>And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we
+do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our
+foolishness.</p>
+
+<p>A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and
+finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the
+palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father,
+an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave
+him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking
+hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the
+distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said
+very quietly: "I say, Mr. K&mdash;&mdash;, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been
+interested in this boy of <i>ours</i> and remember him <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>well." Then the old
+man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away
+comforted greatly and very proud of his son.</p>
+
+<p>This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies
+our need.</p>
+
+<p>You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a
+king.</p>
+
+<p>If American people want to understand us they must take this into
+account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king
+it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this
+country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from
+a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had
+wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the
+whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from
+an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the
+world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that
+the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season.
+Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still
+exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have
+become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us
+suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed
+in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the
+king on Salisbury Plain <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>the day before embarkation, and as we marched
+past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with
+that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through
+many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it
+helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king
+was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we
+gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men
+of that division are together to-day.</p>
+
+<p>The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly
+over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and
+beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to
+face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and
+awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little
+ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming
+out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother,
+father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day,
+and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a
+president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among
+us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form
+of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would
+never do for us.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XVI</h2>
+
+<h3>A NAVAL VICTORY</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+October, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at
+once called up M&mdash;&mdash;, who said that as she was a member of the Motor
+Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that
+Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said
+that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to
+occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she
+had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward
+unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary,
+nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany
+her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly
+turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me
+to the demonstration.</p>
+
+<p>The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as
+officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several
+hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments,
+and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of
+Sousa.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great
+conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little,
+mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of
+course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the
+performers.</p>
+
+<p>He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked
+on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The
+gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt
+rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into
+"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous;
+however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke
+a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather
+too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt
+militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of
+oratorical power.</p>
+
+<p>We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering
+remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W&mdash;&mdash; stepped
+forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and
+to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned
+out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the
+gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a
+man dressed as a British <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He
+was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an
+engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening
+dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry
+in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started.</p>
+
+<p>He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in
+America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own
+men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though
+the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have
+always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to
+shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers
+that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed
+too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German
+propaganda.</p>
+
+<p>However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal
+with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he
+had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian
+officer, I want to tell you that it is a <i>Damned Lie</i>." He brought the
+thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the
+Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure.</p>
+
+<p>A little blood commenced to flow about the stage <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>at this time and he
+was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps
+he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know
+that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal
+columns.</p>
+
+<p>He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not
+in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli
+business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled
+by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the
+wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that
+he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and
+were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us
+there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we
+were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly
+dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of
+the British Empire.</p>
+
+<p>So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he
+waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just
+a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly
+the while and getting a little like a parson.</p>
+
+<p>He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I
+have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney
+paper gave <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor
+being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the
+chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In
+like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous
+insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I
+wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am
+certain did a great deal of good.</p>
+
+<p>I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express
+a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He
+mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were
+eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche,
+and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting
+"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the
+hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing
+in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and
+succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family
+enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the
+blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite
+right, but the thing interested me and I wondered.</p>
+
+<p>Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't
+it true that Germany has been <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>guilty of such filthiness that she is
+slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have
+always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't
+it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking
+of the <i>Lusitania</i> and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in
+Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be
+cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who
+loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the
+Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred?</p>
+
+<p>I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps
+them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of
+Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion
+of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,&mdash;all that sort of thing. She is
+bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the
+Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten,
+licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be.</p>
+
+<p>As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and
+I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed,
+except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed"
+cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who
+have told me have <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't
+seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next
+to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I
+have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I
+have heard Fritz admired.</p>
+
+<p>I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major,
+while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get
+atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out
+with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely
+observed that it was very natural.</p>
+
+<p>Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a
+procession of wounded&mdash;but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant
+with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories
+on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face,
+and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice
+chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been
+getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the
+German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke
+in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross
+people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"&mdash;as a German
+prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I
+returned without the helmet and told the story to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span>the major, and he
+said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins."</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can
+hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the
+Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been
+taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I
+knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard
+fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either,
+and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the
+Boche were <i>always</i> dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they
+show up badly as sportsmen.</p>
+
+<p>Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into
+the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of
+beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace
+to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the
+newspapers say.</p>
+
+<p>But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being
+affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some
+philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how
+to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be
+stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so
+you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A
+famous member of my clan, David <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>Livingstone, went about amongst the
+most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because
+of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like
+the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not
+let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans
+how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not
+true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense
+of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid,
+vulgar thing called hate.</p>
+
+<p>The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry
+officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts
+of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little
+humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them
+some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly,
+and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience.</p>
+
+<p>The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me
+seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill,
+that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the
+top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in
+the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the
+back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised
+as a gunner officer behind <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>the lines, that he had remained with six
+wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been
+wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines
+at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two
+German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second
+battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in
+the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p>And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big
+men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return
+they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell
+them&mdash;nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes,
+wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if
+they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very
+easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable
+billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes
+face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my
+service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry
+officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that.</p>
+
+<p>Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a
+horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He
+was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>the mess at times.
+Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several
+of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in
+capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor
+with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench
+surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed
+tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each
+end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had
+little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own
+trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were
+bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was
+a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to
+the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but
+the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He
+gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun,
+so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement.</p>
+
+<p>These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and
+no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for
+killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too
+brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the
+battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red
+Cross chap to let him die for his country.</p>
+
+<p>I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what
+impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a
+pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope
+that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that
+sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not
+sure that it is advisable for us to do it.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at
+Chestnut Hill. M&mdash;&mdash;'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at
+once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to
+the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A&mdash;&mdash;
+liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of
+Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was
+enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took
+him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled,
+and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by
+the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they
+commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew.</p>
+
+<p>I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think
+that it could not be helped and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>that perhaps the men made better
+fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France
+and "Flounders" I may feel the same.</p>
+
+<p>At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time.
+They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they
+know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are
+appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our
+men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number
+of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with
+"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man
+has when you are not employing him!</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys
+stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure,
+one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!"</p>
+
+<p>I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I
+always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the
+world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are
+ashamed of it.</p>
+
+<p>If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away
+with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves,
+too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XVII</h2>
+
+<h3>POISONOUS GAS</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+November, 1917</p>
+
+<p>I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is
+not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and
+the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is
+all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting
+hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally
+speak at club luncheons and dinners.</p>
+
+<p>One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood
+club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful
+evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My
+turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine
+talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and
+I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up
+and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness
+and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny
+stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so
+much that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I
+did say.</p>
+
+<p>A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the
+club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship
+and affection.</p>
+
+<p>I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When
+the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which
+had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America
+realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to
+England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons
+to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American
+man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At
+the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism
+always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the
+Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and
+some shipwrecks.</p>
+
+<p>Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club
+over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading
+business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and
+endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks
+for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock
+goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>address. I rather love the
+Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members
+behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many
+cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought,
+even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to
+swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen
+business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the
+business world.</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I
+even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia
+lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people
+present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a
+graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines.
+At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering
+described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the
+sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all
+descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the
+Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in
+a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days
+seemed to be in the air.</p>
+
+<p>Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It
+happened at the Eagle Hotel. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel
+Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at
+the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, I'll be delighted,
+though I am no orator."</p>
+
+<p>So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr.
+B&mdash;&mdash;'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the
+people in this burgh have not <i>quite</i> realised the situation. Many are
+of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond
+of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to
+get money for the Red Cross."</p>
+
+<p>"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac;
+give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that."</p>
+
+<p>After lunch, Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up.
+(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age.
+He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face,
+hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small
+boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the
+circus.)</p>
+
+<p>He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies,
+men who have heard the whi&mdash;&mdash;stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen
+the burs&mdash;&mdash;ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes
+will address you."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind
+a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the
+Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one
+of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound
+and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of
+relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz
+bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on
+to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful.</p>
+
+<p>Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They
+are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're
+up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the
+rope and burn your poor hands.</p>
+
+<p>I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience
+about the Red Cross <i>&agrave; la guerre</i>. Whenever I tried to thrill them they
+all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the
+trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success.
+I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the
+war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all
+collapsed and I sat down.</p>
+
+<p>Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to
+introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the
+chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A
+fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home
+town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a
+small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first
+versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out
+and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This
+was a great help.</p>
+
+<p>About this eulogizing&mdash;my Highland blood helps me to understand; my
+English education tells me that it is&mdash;well, displaying all your goods
+in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says
+"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these
+eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are
+generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things.</p>
+
+<p>I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food,
+chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's
+to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and
+harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a
+lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>on my
+chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her,
+but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid.</p>
+
+<p>I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I
+were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine
+audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth
+towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my
+year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the
+mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got
+to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee
+heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July,
+1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was
+paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem.</p>
+
+<p>Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss
+the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They
+discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would
+be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job.
+The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited
+upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors,
+colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I
+said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown
+to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of
+Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large
+number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had
+an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I
+was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice
+thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet.</p>
+
+<p>Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I
+should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult
+for me.</p>
+
+<p>The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many
+fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding
+and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas
+mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that
+should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself
+standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people.</p>
+
+<p>The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and
+I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng
+of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play
+various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into
+"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The
+people then solemnly repeated the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>oath of allegiance to the Republic,
+while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all
+very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a
+Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time
+as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief
+Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his
+inspiring address was heard by only a very few.</p>
+
+<p>Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a
+little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building
+beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by
+the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of
+happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I
+don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor
+British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building
+behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke
+every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down,
+there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I
+had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels,
+and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass
+and tinkling cymbals&mdash;Love. I had a very great love for my friends of
+Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>between Anglo-Saxons
+and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great
+patience.</p>
+
+<p>After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer,
+hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans
+of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to
+France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad,
+it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland,
+and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you."
+One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you
+had any power in England."</p>
+
+<p>Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking.
+Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of
+the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches
+and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for
+the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of
+talking.</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>
+<br />
+
+<hr />
+<br />
+<h2>XVIII</h2>
+
+<h3>THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA</h3>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+December, 1917.</p>
+
+<p>I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and
+have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a
+profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred
+miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases
+out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help
+the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going,
+at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown,
+Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown,
+Huntingdon, and Harrisburg.</p>
+
+<p>At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of
+Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania
+Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the
+Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my
+audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people
+have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation.
+They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism
+which is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display.</p>
+
+<p>At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming
+place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a
+little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets,
+heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their
+journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people,
+who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country
+in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I
+hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who
+discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling
+in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing
+the Boche even unto the last man.</p>
+
+<p>At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre,
+and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone
+wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to
+gather the attitude of the people.</p>
+
+<p>We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long
+journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for
+it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I
+enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train,
+especially in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span>Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always
+find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way.</p>
+
+<p>I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday
+afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the
+fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room
+was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat.</p>
+
+<p>A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a
+"drummer"&mdash;a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its
+consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do.
+I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the
+keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American
+character.</p>
+
+<p>And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling
+for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,&mdash;I'm not sure
+that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for
+his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt
+a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had
+bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind.</p>
+
+<p>These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off
+their job. Their numbers are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>great and their customers are always on
+the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about
+their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal
+with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to
+make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,&mdash;both are
+effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for
+must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing
+their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant
+whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men.
+He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way.</p>
+
+<p>The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant
+looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I
+don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?"</p>
+
+<p>The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell <i>you</i> anything."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant.</p>
+
+<p>"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed
+son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs
+of atrocities."</p>
+
+<p>The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "<i>Come in!</i>" So the
+drummer entered with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his
+desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer,
+fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar,
+walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over
+the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It
+was not difficult after that.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather
+small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour
+in a local club.</p>
+
+<p>At three-thirty <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest
+of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At
+Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The
+Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience
+and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that
+men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell
+them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all
+that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is
+not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which
+appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before
+him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the
+greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>poisonous gas by
+the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so
+unsporting as to resort to such methods.</p>
+
+<p>Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely
+take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing
+German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round
+of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell,
+the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the
+world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically
+Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months
+to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the
+British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to
+her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam
+to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76."</p>
+
+<p>Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a
+fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will
+be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is
+cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course
+there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the
+rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks&mdash;to endeavor to
+foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America.
+My objects <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the
+newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I
+myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much
+better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the
+world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes
+and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he
+replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen."</p>
+
+<p>And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be
+forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform
+looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope
+to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I
+told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were
+all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even
+in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a
+little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until
+they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American.
+They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an
+hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated
+leaving Washington.</p>
+
+<p>Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of
+the man who was drowned <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>there and who bored all the saints in Paradise
+with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy,
+although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a
+corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him
+that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of
+his own.</p>
+
+<p>It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in
+the "movie" theatre was small.</p>
+
+<p>We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic
+and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap
+would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and
+I'm with you."</p>
+
+<p>Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we
+returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I
+loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me
+by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings.</p>
+
+<p>I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey
+ended.</p>
+
+<p>I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be
+the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes
+to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a
+solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number
+of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous
+looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only
+because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually
+cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students.
+Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The
+circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and
+was showing promise of a useful life.</p>
+
+<p>I can see it all now; his great friend&mdash;for men become great friends in
+a college&mdash;working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after
+he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel
+bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend
+solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all
+very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which
+made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that
+night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of
+us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take
+up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight.</p>
+
+<p>The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of
+us who had been swimming <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>received anonymous P. C's. from religious
+persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT
+YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers
+upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we
+recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have
+since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life
+could have been.</p>
+
+<p>When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England
+persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as
+they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to
+punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be
+sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill
+them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we
+should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the
+yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as
+children when they played around her and confided their every trouble,
+the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing,
+friendship&mdash;all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to
+church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is
+Love"&mdash;and sometimes even in the day nursery.</p>
+
+<p>I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>from a whizz-bang.
+The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to
+think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official
+notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men
+newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You
+can't.</p>
+
+<p>Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote&mdash;trying
+to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found
+it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and
+one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the
+fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one
+another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course,
+follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient
+exhausted will have a long convalescence and then&mdash;God! what will the
+next war be like?</p>
+
+<p>History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out
+at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find
+some serum that will inoculate us against it.</p>
+
+<p>Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the
+face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with
+their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the
+pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks,
+so great is its devotion. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>We can see it when by accident we tread upon
+the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of
+groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes,
+begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly.
+We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the
+face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the
+prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the
+world, for it is love.</p>
+
+<p>The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once
+the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church
+with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she
+stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday,
+but during the week&mdash;Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it
+that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch
+these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog.
+See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets
+his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real
+thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a
+wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his
+gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead
+driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>at once
+showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But
+in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not
+taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are
+to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the
+world. It is truly our only chance.</p>
+
+<p>Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been
+applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares,
+the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all
+irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is
+hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or
+regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to.</p>
+
+<p>Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I
+suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and
+Flanders&mdash;a strange place to learn a strange lesson.</p>
+
+<p>Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with
+many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits
+back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable."</p>
+
+<p>And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown
+out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just
+imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful
+consideration deciding to apply the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>antidote I have suggested. In three
+days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done.
+Perhaps it could be applied in America.</p>
+
+<p>"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather
+wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after
+finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia,
+according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our
+struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just
+imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down
+Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an
+awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course
+we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge
+battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take
+our just deserts, and we will get them.</p>
+<br />
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Philadelphia</span>, January, 1918.</p>
+
+<p>I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving
+talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our
+first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go
+from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses
+in the Court Houses.</p>
+
+<p>We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> in the Lehigh
+Valley Railroad's charming train <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>called the "Black Diamond." Our party
+consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a
+British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's
+job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough
+everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told <i>not</i> to do any talking. I
+should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he
+had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his
+own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility.</p>
+
+<p>We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and
+dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed
+to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the
+beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a
+fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who
+advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a
+large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two
+and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to
+sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator,
+having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens,
+addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for
+none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his
+jokes missed fire. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to
+possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the
+folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than
+their brethren in the cities.</p>
+
+<p>I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay
+in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to
+introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs.</p>
+
+<p>After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of
+young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to
+whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They
+succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy
+any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred
+curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at
+night and cannot go to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we
+addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground
+was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting
+from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the
+congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more
+control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were
+sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said,
+"Yes, quite <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>so&mdash;the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up
+there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of
+course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience.
+The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a
+firm desire to get along with the job.</p>
+
+<p>That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly
+large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that
+I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This
+may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a
+good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us
+greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club.</p>
+
+<p>The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every
+town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the
+spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a
+rush. I had friends in Scranton,&mdash;a boy and a girl married to one
+another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon
+my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards
+which a great stream of people was advancing.</p>
+
+<p>I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely
+seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some
+members <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to
+the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I
+wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them
+that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the
+veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly
+to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The
+mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have
+faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with
+public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain
+preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in
+their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have
+got hardened to it.</p>
+
+<p>At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six
+hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded
+the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when
+he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone.</p>
+
+<p>Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of
+the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the
+soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and
+slowly. The effect was fine.</p>
+
+<p>After some remarks on the part of the chairman, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>in which he said that
+the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke.
+He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before.
+It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a
+British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in
+regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an
+hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four
+thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly
+Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very
+easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and
+they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour,
+and I have lived with the British Tommy.</p>
+
+<p>The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful
+audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen
+and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their
+town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in
+for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a
+citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is
+about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this
+war is over, I am quite sure.</p>
+
+<p>That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>Apparently the
+audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a
+reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk
+of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice
+folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of
+course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I
+daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the
+war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity
+to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly
+interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what
+they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two
+meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled
+with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing
+through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled
+with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing
+through." It is a pity that they could not have met.</p>
+
+<p>We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm
+which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and
+Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man
+who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and
+Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to
+the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk
+there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective
+sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up.</p>
+
+<p>After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and
+addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York,
+Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would
+be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent
+hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little
+way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during
+the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water
+therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice.
+The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief
+residential street,&mdash;an avenue called after one of the kings of England.</p>
+
+<p>The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It
+was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have
+dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five
+minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the
+battlefield, but there <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>were several feet of snow, so it was difficult.
+However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves
+occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The
+weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including
+some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic.</p>
+
+<p>The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and
+he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it
+"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French.</p>
+
+<p>Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined
+us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first
+days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with
+us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling
+community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much
+enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who
+desired to enter.</p>
+
+<p>The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an
+English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built
+before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the
+senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the
+American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many
+stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of
+buildings.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our
+entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves
+were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour
+of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort
+seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind.</p>
+
+<p>The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all
+the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the
+inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and
+pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about
+its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to
+Middleburg.</p>
+
+<p>The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my
+last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are
+very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to
+Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the
+ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held
+at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant
+seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the
+hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their
+interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To
+me there seemed in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>this charming little community the spirit of the men
+of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the
+British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were
+fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true,
+nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed
+me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British
+people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in
+view&mdash;the downfall of futile autocracy.</p>
+
+<p>The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in
+the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little
+towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride
+creeps over him when he makes the discovery.</p>
+
+<p>How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were
+in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when
+they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length
+and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might
+do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital.
+Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and
+little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators
+address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know
+about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right
+pitch and the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>Government will then have a certain quantity to base
+their plans upon.</p>
+
+<p>At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism
+that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all
+mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great
+big composite mistake of unpreparedness.</p>
+
+<p>I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to
+town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to
+win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but
+that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this
+is going to be a wonderful help to us.</p>
+
+<p>I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during
+the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks
+in the distance shine with a very rosy light."</p>
+
+<p>And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman
+if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle
+Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will
+not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and
+the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there,
+smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him
+too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face
+when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!"</p>
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+<br />
+
+<div class="tr">
+<p class="cen"><a name="TN" id="TN"></a>Transcriber's Note</p>
+<br />
+
+Some inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in
+the original document has been preserved.<br />
+<br />
+Typographical errors corrected in the text:<br />
+<br />
+Page&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;   9&nbsp; Day's changed to Days'<br />
+Page&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;  16&nbsp; traveling changed to travelling<br />
+Page&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;  85&nbsp; damndest changed to damnedest<br />
+Page&nbsp; 115&nbsp; Chilians changed to Chileans<br />
+Page&nbsp; 116&nbsp; Chilian changed to Chilean<br />
+Page&nbsp; 118&nbsp; fall changed to fail<br />
+Page&nbsp; 119&nbsp; Chilian changed to Chilean<br />
+Page&nbsp; 128&nbsp; possesser changed to possessor<br />
+Page&nbsp; 197&nbsp; woud changed to would<br />
+Page&nbsp; 201&nbsp; German's changed to Germans<br />
+Page&nbsp; 214&nbsp; eulogise changed to eulogize<br />
+Page&nbsp; 215&nbsp; eulogising changed to eulogizing<br />
+Page&nbsp; 231&nbsp; stronge changed to strange<br />
+Page&nbsp; 242&nbsp; traveler changed to traveller<br />
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Over Here
+       Impressions of America by a British officer
+
+Author: Hector MacQuarrie
+
+Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ OVER HERE
+
+
+
+
+ =============================
+ THE STORY OF "OVER THERE"
+ EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT
+ -----------------------------
+
+ HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT
+
+ BY HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab.
+ Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery
+
+ Illustrated, $1.35 net
+
+ "A Masterpiece"--NEW YORK SUN
+
+
+_Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms_
+
+      It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in
+      store for him at the front. This book will give you the
+      facts,--read it and counsel your boy for his physical and
+      spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his
+      attention to the chapters that you think will be of the
+      greatest value to him.
+
+_If You Are an American_
+
+      Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living
+      and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It
+      will help you understand what difficulties face our army,
+      both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read
+      the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy
+      and greater understanding.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+ OVER HERE
+
+ IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA
+ BY A BRITISH OFFICER
+
+
+
+ HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab.
+
+ SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY
+
+ AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT"
+
+
+
+ [Illustration]
+
+
+
+ PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON
+ J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+ 1918
+
+
+
+
+ COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+
+ PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918
+
+ PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY
+ AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS
+ PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+ TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER
+ A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO
+ DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917
+ THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE
+
+
+During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to
+other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to
+admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since
+it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to
+let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts.
+
+From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have
+been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought possible
+in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where misunderstanding
+has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able to express my
+feelings.
+
+I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a
+little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that
+American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense.
+
+Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman
+to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising
+his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was interesting
+to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride ourselves
+upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is obvious.
+Most humour is based upon the surprising incidents and coincidents of
+domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British to appreciate
+specious American humour when we know nothing of American home life, and
+but little of American society?
+
+When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as
+pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have
+become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own
+countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite
+sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to
+criticise the American people.
+
+During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon
+anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been
+written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my
+room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to
+speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards
+good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to
+amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite
+hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong
+intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations.
+
+ HECTOR MACQUARRIE.
+
+ BETHLEHEM, PA., November, 1917.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+ CHAPTER                                                  PAGE
+
+     I. A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA           11
+
+    II. NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE
+          MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"                           17
+
+   III. SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"                  36
+
+    IV. "VERY'S LIGHTS"                                     46
+
+     V. A CHRISTMAS TRUCE                                   52
+
+    VI. GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY!
+          THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF BECOMING BURIED        77
+
+   VII. SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT                      84
+
+  VIII. LACRYMATORY SHELLS                                  95
+
+    IX. SHELLS                                             113
+
+     X. SUBMARINES                                         129
+
+    XI. AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT                           137
+
+   XII. SIX DAY'S LEAVE                                    146
+
+  XIII. GUNS AND CARRIAGES                                 162
+
+   XIV. A PREMATURE                                        180
+
+    XV. "BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"                       188
+
+   XVI. A NAVAL VICTORY                                    196
+
+  XVII. POISONOUS GAS                                      209
+
+ XVIII. THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA                               219
+
+
+
+
+OVER HERE
+
+
+
+
+I
+
+A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA
+
+
+ R. M. S. BEGONIA, Atlantic Ocean,
+ August 30, 1917.
+
+When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite
+certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United
+States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my
+days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills,
+accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless
+there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the
+whole I felt glad.
+
+After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent
+home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light
+duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed
+to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help
+in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would
+be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the
+sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the
+proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer.
+
+My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I
+rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They
+are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic
+relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of
+course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type,
+rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we
+still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course,
+make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their
+national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other
+hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out.
+
+It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the
+Germans. We dislike them. They ought to.
+
+However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the
+munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was
+astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and
+especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the
+thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses
+like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women,"
+whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They
+were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young persons
+merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms, sweeping up the
+floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one, sweeping up the
+floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep and saying,
+"Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer gun and
+carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting behind it
+having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some confusion and
+looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be called
+"pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon rooms
+provided for the women. When women do things there is always a graceful
+touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge of
+several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking, the
+women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were
+closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes
+arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman.
+
+The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of
+them hate this--naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her
+hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I
+don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be
+insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in
+the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of her scalp. I won't vouch
+for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the
+accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large
+munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that
+while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there
+were certain risks of losing the glory altogether--and was it worth
+while?
+
+I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to
+jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful
+cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days
+in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army
+form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in
+Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they
+will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that
+is all that matters.
+
+Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a
+rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the
+Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes.
+Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big
+thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her
+husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was
+caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an
+unfortunate incident with a harmless lamb, which made his stay in the
+country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so
+that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I
+took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would
+suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an
+humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the
+tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a
+dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I
+decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few
+objections, but I regretted that he was so big.
+
+He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him
+safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right,
+and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to
+spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of
+the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox
+terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little
+puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight
+dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps
+too much humour.
+
+These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am
+enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by
+another officer from the navy, a correspondent of the _Daily Mail_, and
+a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked
+Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in
+an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I
+think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling
+it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he
+observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick
+any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great
+faith.
+
+We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an
+unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am
+sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people,
+and the Bostonian sought another table.
+
+We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New
+York and the skyscrapers.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.
+
+After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off
+the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson
+River.
+
+What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely
+"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy
+and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks,
+where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot
+impress a stranger when he first gets there.
+
+The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white,
+sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous
+products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When
+man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes
+off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at
+dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little
+puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to
+twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the
+buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently
+untidy.
+
+Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss
+to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with
+a kindly face, called Captain H----. I have never been able to decide
+whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian
+army, a sea captain, or what.
+
+This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He
+expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the
+naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled
+around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him
+about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been
+appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an
+untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of
+New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around
+the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be
+numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of
+variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey.
+
+We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going
+to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an
+impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few
+days. I thought, however, that the road seemed a bit bumpy, and I must
+admit that I disliked the taxicab.
+
+Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a
+place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral.
+There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men,
+very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He
+spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the
+desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent
+expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and
+finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the
+"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that
+America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel
+clerks and head waiters in their places.
+
+We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly
+ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft
+tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and
+the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a
+gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear
+oneself speak.
+
+American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think
+it is much nicer. H---- ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We
+had clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English
+coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of
+mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of
+"playing" with it as we do.
+
+After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors.
+I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of
+the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch
+accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common
+friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty
+it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of
+fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete
+aristocracy--why I don't know--and with his keen manner let me know it.
+He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely
+useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter
+of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us
+and is a splendid chap.
+
+Later he confided to H----, and H---- confided to us, that a man who
+could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war
+time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but
+it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will
+power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good
+position, naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the
+fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar
+struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his
+feelings, with little success, alas!
+
+I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst
+others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very
+interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not
+know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come
+under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that
+was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense
+of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great
+deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the
+chorus generally, bordered on the _risque_. There seems, also, to be a
+type of _comedienne_ who comes forward and talks to the people in a
+diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt
+to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often
+seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale
+in Montmartre.
+
+It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco
+here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New
+York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I
+spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty
+dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I
+naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four
+one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written
+on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that
+the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned
+to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked
+unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one
+dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my
+change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the
+clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried,
+had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best
+policy.
+
+I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much
+overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American
+friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks.
+He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that
+people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown
+off their feet during a gale. They formed canyons. He said that the
+lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the
+health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in
+artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York.
+
+The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are
+wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality
+perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks.
+I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their
+names.
+
+One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered
+what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were
+behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a
+"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon
+squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and
+her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like
+as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her
+pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another
+young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and
+explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied
+any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for
+agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How
+do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the
+finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of
+course there were other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star
+differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until
+"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in
+laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too
+funny for words, and giggled like an idiot.
+
+Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame
+creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only
+to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to
+insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark
+out my order and see what happens.
+
+I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P----, a sapper subaltern,
+conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage
+we left New York at nine o'clock.
+
+In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to
+Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street,
+and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached
+Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we
+had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed
+away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the
+Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I
+was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but
+gauze screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most
+of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One
+may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to
+the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small
+compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this
+compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the
+train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American
+trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is
+very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade,
+ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool
+things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes
+like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said.
+
+After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first
+impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from
+the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut
+shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy
+looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is
+suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life
+in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely
+depressing.
+
+We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on in a wagon. I decided
+to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room
+"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this
+occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall
+very pretty dark young lady.
+
+After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro
+boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel.
+This was done and as P---- and I walked away from the hotel we could
+hear fierce barking and yelping.
+
+At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and
+members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the
+plant and P---- introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I
+shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into
+detailed descriptions now.
+
+These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and
+they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to
+be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the
+place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem
+to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in
+the form of avenues.
+
+I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of
+the people I meet and the impressions I glean of their characteristics.
+Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one.
+In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge
+us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters
+in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a
+little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has
+suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the
+insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of
+this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived
+before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants
+upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all
+the interesting qualities that man is heir to.
+
+I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel
+plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an
+impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I
+insisted, but _not_ with the dog.
+
+There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave
+me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person
+seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached
+being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat
+a dog with a great amount of respect.
+
+Fortunately, a friend--one of the steel officials--offered to look
+after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a
+happy home; so that is all right.
+
+Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low
+tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support
+the belfry above, thus forming an open platform.
+
+At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise.
+At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very
+well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped
+back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we
+found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to
+the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a
+number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some
+earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The
+general effect was pleasing.
+
+After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and
+he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had
+been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of
+sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the
+Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar
+sect.
+
+I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet any of my countrymen. I
+suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B----, who has
+been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with
+some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from
+summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have
+met quite a number of the steel men. L---- has very kindly allowed me to
+have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel,
+however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I
+suppose it is all right.
+
+On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching
+and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an
+extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with
+untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a
+band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful
+procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers
+edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of
+purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or
+purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole
+effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I
+have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and
+they were having a demonstration at Reading.
+
+The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process.
+(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use
+it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the
+climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to
+imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe
+the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous
+value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we
+humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking
+on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the
+Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of
+sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar
+processions would pass often.
+
+My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It
+is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go
+I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable.
+
+The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a
+true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat
+looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States
+definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked
+the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle
+Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless people
+are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to
+regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a
+decent murder or a fire in the same way.
+
+The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and
+want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances.
+They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are
+with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take
+different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially
+France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times
+they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war.
+They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement
+about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies.
+
+I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us
+as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our
+sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think
+that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British
+intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her
+son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks
+that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to
+me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people to show too
+much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They
+are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The
+houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses.
+Portieres often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive
+occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The
+effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it
+must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on.
+Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their
+servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in
+any case.
+
+On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people
+seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a
+Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian,
+Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look
+into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only
+look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting
+orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old
+pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's.
+Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is.
+
+The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I
+suppose the streets are cleaned sometimes, but never very well. At any
+rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which
+accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any
+citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full
+of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have
+been told that this cannot well be helped.
+
+The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is
+impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large
+rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the
+twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the
+fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe
+that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then
+they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep
+the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there
+are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant
+foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in
+some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The
+Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United
+States entered the war they would soon be _strafed_ by the fatherland,
+and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money.
+
+Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All
+the people photographed are of Southern European blood. One sees happy
+brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded
+by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies
+things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined
+with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests
+on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is
+hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person
+rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in
+time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the
+coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the
+corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his
+waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking
+their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying
+in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other
+children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think.
+These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a
+curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good
+funeral.
+
+I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful
+city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the
+hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place,
+business has taken charge of the people here, but the natural beauty of
+this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man
+who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the
+beauty of the hills:
+
+"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene
+of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees
+contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if
+that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the
+pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the
+sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley,
+is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a
+brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum
+is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of
+brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost
+white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden
+pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of
+berries of a brighter red."
+
+In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very
+lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously
+beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the
+town.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917.
+
+A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to
+have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American
+folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable.
+Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally
+rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have
+all got something attractive about them.
+
+It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the
+country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise
+and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build
+beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around
+them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone
+can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of
+several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give
+wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get
+a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the
+honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women
+dress beautifully, and often tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on,
+everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one
+grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite
+a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all
+happy and cheerful.
+
+It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose
+the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in
+Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London
+to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at
+home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty
+and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the
+jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun.
+
+Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country.
+A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is
+a thundering good fellow--a leader of men. That is the point. One used
+to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse
+manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better
+manners than we have, especially towards women.
+
+Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to
+be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is
+established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is
+large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its
+very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or
+portieres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into
+a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and
+eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's
+partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She
+may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or
+a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If
+one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves
+a new man to be careful.
+
+I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance
+anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to
+confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the
+situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the
+annoyance of the debutante. I have not danced with any very young people
+yet. I would not dare.
+
+If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by
+the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on
+you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle
+for more than one length of the room is gone. American young men will
+never allow a debutante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch
+of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all
+done very gracefully. To dance with an American debutante requires
+skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the
+music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all
+rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately
+and gently swing with the music.
+
+Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is
+nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young
+people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for
+very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to
+you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs
+this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I
+replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of
+etiquette.
+
+If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of
+being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a
+matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in"
+on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but
+it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she
+would not otherwise get, and she understands. Generally speaking there
+are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses.
+
+There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a
+cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they
+one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a
+broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A
+string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and
+beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great
+compensation to a woman at her prime--her feet. They can be made
+charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and
+sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a
+little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too.
+
+Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American
+cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and
+that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack
+Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well
+decorated, too.
+
+The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In
+Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor
+out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is
+fairly crowded and a little irritating for the debutantes. Still they
+are quite good-natured about it and only smile when a large freight
+locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them.
+
+After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entree, the music
+starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten
+minutes and then return to the entree, now cold. This goes on during the
+whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion.
+
+After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the
+large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs.
+This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent
+upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about
+midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a
+couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times.
+Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and
+awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by
+the cocktail party the next day.
+
+What pitfalls there are for the unwary!
+
+One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked
+me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my
+ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called
+her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me _to
+lunch_. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds
+of people there and wondered how they were all going to be seated at
+the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at
+about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to
+stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning
+lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward.
+
+About cocktail parties--well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that
+they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the
+Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one
+said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties
+are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the
+life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter
+of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink
+cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small
+shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the
+Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin
+and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk
+about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their
+way home from church and nicely dressed.
+
+It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us
+all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few
+cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results
+are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are
+usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in
+power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the
+house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly
+always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never
+seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what
+I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly
+hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but
+they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every
+opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally.
+Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become
+quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless
+companions, but out of the question as wives.
+
+When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often
+difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment.
+Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at
+all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are
+either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to
+the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will
+either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she
+will be the other thing. It will be necessary for you to humour her as
+much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good
+hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her
+money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full
+value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you
+to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in
+the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart
+set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but
+the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which
+will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her
+back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the
+lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of
+the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven
+help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop
+than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have
+heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women.
+
+There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should
+not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him.
+But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a
+title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly
+several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls
+are foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude
+towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has
+not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because
+they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have
+known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for
+the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps,
+a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience
+for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose.
+It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child
+arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way
+that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is
+naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain
+steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with
+the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it
+will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot,
+but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will
+always be willing to suffer. Why should she?
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+"VERY'S LIGHTS"
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917.
+
+I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas
+Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the
+screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close
+up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to
+know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite
+a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something,
+and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few
+attractions. The people in film land are all interesting.
+
+There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and
+haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and
+what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not
+going to talk about the vampire.
+
+Film stories can be divided into three classes--the wild and woolly, the
+crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human
+interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories.
+
+The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his
+New York home, and his gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a
+friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider
+on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat
+and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find
+himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though
+charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all
+armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of
+the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice
+looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to
+stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A
+little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint
+mademoiselle, _n'est ce pas_, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a
+"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest
+possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us
+fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his
+mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a
+"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine
+well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure.
+
+But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an
+extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as
+he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission to movie actors in
+horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a
+horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it
+is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to
+teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in
+parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach
+them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag
+your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they
+will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all
+missions have--but this by the way.
+
+John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start,
+and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person
+will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live
+for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes
+(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and
+then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling
+that the world without romance would be a dull place.
+
+I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into
+deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by
+Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then
+suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road
+after--Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over
+with the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are
+generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time.
+
+The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a
+little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the
+four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be
+strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their
+houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful
+statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well
+sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times.
+
+In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with
+white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and
+nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge
+and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the
+vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his
+innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying
+a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background,
+praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the
+pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of
+garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at
+a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then
+the scene stops and she probably curses the fellow working the lights
+if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But
+don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably
+punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married
+man.
+
+The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of
+some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow.
+
+They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of
+chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There
+is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good
+looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any
+sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are
+peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good
+looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York.
+
+The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground
+cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink
+a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one,
+and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on.
+
+Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People
+like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write
+his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in
+all things with every one. And so he laughs his way along the screen
+journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very
+brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses,
+and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we
+can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us
+sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes
+and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan,
+really.
+
+Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a
+little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting
+accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little.
+Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to
+the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers
+in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little
+promiscuously, I think.
+
+Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most
+of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why.
+In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are
+even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out
+quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a
+pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well
+played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well
+together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and
+comfortably.
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+A CHRISTMAS TRUCE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U.S.A., January 25, 1917.
+
+On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a
+comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed
+many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop
+No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said,
+"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up
+by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings.
+Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are
+getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by
+express?"
+
+That Assistant Superintendent never did like me.
+
+Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours
+by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a
+Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there
+"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green
+and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists
+reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas
+Day in a Pullman! And worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with
+the snorers. Mon Dieu!
+
+If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say
+good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing
+how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me
+one disadvantage--the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh
+dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom
+surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince,
+the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the
+stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the debutante. You can't
+stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out.
+
+I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring
+persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way
+would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry
+with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not
+snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a
+gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You
+see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking
+into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out
+in the morning.
+
+Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer of this card snores." Then
+the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His
+Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a
+non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there
+might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers.
+
+I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large
+wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and
+down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice
+mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the
+scale.
+
+As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the
+train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an
+optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours
+before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure
+enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to
+your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing
+yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts.
+Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box,
+and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon
+they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be
+supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of
+inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This
+would look very interesting.
+
+However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on
+its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very
+peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady
+mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an
+awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over
+here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to
+get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you
+hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little
+stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a
+Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other
+comforts.
+
+I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man
+who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great
+favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He
+said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so
+intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a
+wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent.
+
+I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen
+nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in
+the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me
+Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something
+solid, something lasting about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite
+of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is
+notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that
+if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like
+Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers.
+
+Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he
+lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of
+little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal
+arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous
+"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself
+the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful.
+
+All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little
+weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the
+Middle West as asleep to national duty.
+
+I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving
+that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I
+made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario.
+Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following
+words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry
+Xmas to you."
+
+While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially its best hotel, I
+cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept
+by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around
+Christmas.
+
+I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve
+o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things
+pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all
+right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I
+thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him.
+I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the
+train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the
+station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going
+off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that
+should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs
+of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it.
+Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours
+overdue.
+
+After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at
+last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked
+"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was
+twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic
+glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he
+were not assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the
+trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the
+honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been
+sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and
+was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains,
+feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All
+the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite
+lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed.
+
+After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past
+being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I
+sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they
+opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on
+each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap."
+
+"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that
+I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how
+they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked
+astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I
+belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They
+introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many
+questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge
+person of kindly aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was
+the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but
+little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and
+that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal,
+and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect
+remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He
+laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to
+prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a
+person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from
+getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him
+and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is
+difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to
+yours."
+
+The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and
+the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too
+tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that
+they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche.
+
+We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so
+great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their
+opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural
+resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors.
+This is an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak
+too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with
+the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in
+Canada and Bermuda.
+
+After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to
+take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go
+to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I
+hope that I shall meet the large football chap again.
+
+At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun
+was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower
+groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here.
+This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air.
+
+I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called
+Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large
+country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a
+wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the
+distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and
+lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven
+roof.
+
+I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too
+mighty for description, but they are not too lovely and not too
+wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from
+building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their
+beauty.
+
+I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men
+with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They
+were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked
+that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own
+people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who
+had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from
+Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however,
+that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently
+decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but
+might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English,
+be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults
+than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very
+charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one
+of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life.
+
+I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at
+Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"--a very familiar spot. I had often
+plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and had even cooked
+moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert
+Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only
+murmur with the French shop keepers "_c'est la guerre_." These people
+made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent--not
+the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent.
+
+American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians
+are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America
+ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends
+would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have
+learnt not to mention the subject.
+
+They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One
+very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you
+like living with the Yankees?"
+
+I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the
+person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show
+of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I
+desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American
+friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the
+Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time.
+They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought
+the feeling about America was very interesting.
+
+Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said
+that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a
+pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days
+when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my
+Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs.
+Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend."
+
+I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King."
+The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an
+awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over
+here except the sermons.
+
+I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a
+buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the
+King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a
+youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my
+clothing generally.
+
+This was too much for my temper, so I _strafed_ him until he must have
+decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh"
+to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be
+court-martialled.
+
+The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at
+Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat
+at a large store. I am not a very small person, but evidently the
+attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on
+me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his
+department, so I _strafed_ him, and left Canada by the very next train.
+I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I
+had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the
+Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in
+"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride
+when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack
+him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their
+'Gard Darm'--but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to
+visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire.
+
+Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very
+firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has
+changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my
+Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang"
+a bit.
+
+I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another
+table--to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so
+my friend--he was a great friend--said, "Please, Mac, come over, these
+fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of
+wisdom? Not a bit! It was my accent they wanted. But there was no
+intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but
+he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my
+way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every
+one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent."
+Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities.
+
+It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in
+Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they
+can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem
+divide themselves roughly into six groups--the Moravians (I place them
+first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of
+well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans,
+largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners
+who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works.
+
+But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to
+me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the
+same town with them helps one quite a lot.
+
+It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have
+had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very
+far wrong.
+
+Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of England. Obviously large
+numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign.
+Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being
+interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the
+opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality,
+otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the
+less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very
+religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw
+numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly
+they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they
+could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a
+fashionable one.
+
+John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised
+an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of
+England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a
+belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation,
+it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated
+by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour
+by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin,
+so they grew and multiplied.
+
+Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could
+have continued to thrive if it had not been for a friend who appeared
+upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count
+Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small
+settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf.
+
+If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem,
+he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole
+thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had
+a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of
+the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They
+had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young
+lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before
+marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in
+the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies
+in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been
+a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands
+dead and lifeless with pointed fingers--you know the sort of thing--but
+the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something
+characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look
+as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get
+an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist.
+I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers.
+
+Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much converted, and, possibly
+knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle
+here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know
+much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot
+in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the
+Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped
+them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any
+rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of
+the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery.
+I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old
+inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle
+of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by
+the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't
+it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that
+I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from
+saying very much.
+
+Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the
+trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to.
+Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel
+works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys
+from regarding the thing as a terrific honour.
+
+A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother
+dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple
+tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All
+announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone
+choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very
+much, but the thing in itself is very interesting.
+
+I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day
+of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of
+revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was
+ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was
+talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and
+asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all
+right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would
+bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front--it was getting
+a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old
+year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of
+music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We
+All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in.
+Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful
+hymn.
+
+I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were
+a handsome crowd of men and women, great friends of mine for the most
+part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would
+bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and
+I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain
+of war--the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery
+party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will
+get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They
+will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard
+every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless
+defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up
+for them. Still I wonder.
+
+But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk
+who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything--sorrow
+and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons
+willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of
+soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the
+United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of
+this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are
+mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all
+with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and
+the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them,
+I believe, and they live a great deal in the past.
+
+I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell
+you about Brother L----. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of
+the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black
+pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my
+mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord
+in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not
+sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in
+that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had
+a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I
+first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U----'s son a
+lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U----'s husband is not a Moravian, but the
+wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal.
+Brother L---- is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into
+an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by
+to do some skating, I saw brother L---- waiting for a trolley car. I
+offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car
+to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the
+cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister
+was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him
+standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have
+got frozen, for he had to wait ten minutes. Strangely enough he has
+never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the
+world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when
+one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude
+shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a
+tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit.
+
+Now Brother L---- is an American and we who dare to criticise our
+cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and
+sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument
+why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I
+have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I
+finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell
+you all about the "Putz."
+
+One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and
+we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock,
+all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said:
+"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like
+a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all
+descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was
+enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I
+was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink
+offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass,
+took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly
+spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry
+with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass
+after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their
+contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several
+present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall,
+good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards
+me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of
+sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say,
+Cap., will you come and see my p--utz?" I was a little bewildered. He
+repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter
+bombardment and said: "Pre--cisely what is your p--utz." He looked
+comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a
+decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the
+people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of
+our Lord. It suggests a creche in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But
+yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in
+Bethlehem.
+
+Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house
+containing one is quite open to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to
+be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas
+time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the
+Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small
+boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred
+manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after
+building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars
+dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above
+amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was
+a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged
+to my friend of the club catacomb.
+
+With Mrs. U---- I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly
+lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first
+we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear
+cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness
+and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees
+silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking
+towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual
+Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the
+synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an
+interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite
+distinct. The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be
+breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us
+shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More
+light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds.
+At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the
+Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee
+synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased
+shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but
+soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the
+manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone
+upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the
+darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a
+multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God
+in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'
+
+"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into
+heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto
+Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made
+known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and
+the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known
+abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all
+they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the
+shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her
+heart."
+
+It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the
+outcry of womenkind all over the world.
+
+I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of
+all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most
+possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and
+consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave
+many charming parties. I went to a _bal masque_ after returning from
+Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm
+and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite
+abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu
+Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent.
+
+
+
+
+VI
+
+GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF
+BECOMING BURIED
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., February 28, 1917.
+
+So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has
+decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all
+agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that
+we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His
+Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high
+state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men
+and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have
+become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In
+other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like
+His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of
+God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we
+examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed
+with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we
+are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try,
+because William seems to us a poor sort of creature.
+
+I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary
+to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is
+always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there
+are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of
+America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The
+Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of
+this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very
+wealthy merchant prince, with but one object--to get rich as quickly as
+possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are
+concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice
+after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth.
+They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very
+wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and
+wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see
+very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant
+little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children.
+He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of
+freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy
+the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid
+"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and
+a man's duties.
+
+So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you,
+Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John,
+I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right
+track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you
+quite a lot."
+
+Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection
+before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming
+pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient
+power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the
+American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have
+a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job,
+too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a
+democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea
+of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with
+England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily
+scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed.
+This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to
+scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the
+only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and
+I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present
+(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great
+friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the
+climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or
+laugh?
+
+Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great
+minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people
+and settled many arguments.
+
+So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a
+million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity
+that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French
+people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to
+prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in
+the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master.
+
+Thank heaven we can see him as he is really--just a mad chauffeur with
+his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a
+chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom.
+The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is
+a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the
+bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will
+be something left of the machine.
+
+I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It
+was difficult to get lodgings, but I applied to J---- C---- for help
+and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of
+mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J---- C----
+for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland
+for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's
+wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who
+made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now
+I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make
+a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare
+time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I
+please and I know that the two of them are very interested.
+
+One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a
+guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered
+what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was
+still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them
+fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just
+loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all
+soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for
+magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them
+and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns
+she is as depressed as I am about it.
+
+A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland
+terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's
+little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her
+to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy
+and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for
+a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that
+my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I
+fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she
+hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She
+ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her
+milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all
+shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but
+after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on
+the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right
+round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar
+close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack,
+calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him
+for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look
+at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at
+me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we
+had named her, got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and
+rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again.
+I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with
+six rabbits.
+
+Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me
+about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said:
+"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was
+passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed
+and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is
+wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's
+mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends
+throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat
+policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried
+all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her
+disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself.
+
+I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No
+woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making
+themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly
+well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken
+me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her
+veins and she wants to do her bit.
+
+
+
+
+VII
+
+SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., April 25, 1917.
+
+In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which
+commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds
+have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the
+minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is
+surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over
+the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't
+got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the
+silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very
+worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons.
+
+I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden
+lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the
+folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three
+years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called
+"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes
+made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of
+unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle Sam was just as guilty. He
+himself believes that he was much more guilty because he _did_ have
+nearly three years to think about the matter.
+
+He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not
+trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the
+Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic
+effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right
+from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course,
+that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government
+which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own
+council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally;
+I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will
+learn to understand him. It is about time that we did.
+
+It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular
+feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of
+course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word
+against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he
+is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one
+object--to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but
+the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two
+great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war
+they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until
+Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in
+Sweden somewhere.
+
+All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It
+is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us.
+You will realize this when you discover that an American belies
+absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to
+boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use
+and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe
+that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when
+he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn
+quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at
+the start.
+
+I hate to think of an anaemic German with spectacles turning his machine
+gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they
+expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to
+inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one
+sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally
+being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to
+acknowledge that they are no better.
+
+We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was rather an impossible
+person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a
+German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German
+propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the
+friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over
+here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of
+cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it?
+
+The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck
+to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for
+the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that
+Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of
+constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to
+have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions
+close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very
+awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a
+little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may
+catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary
+spirit is very "catching."
+
+Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a
+wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British
+genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very proper
+gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little
+apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French
+general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we
+sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He
+will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you."
+
+Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our
+very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of
+old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is
+good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician.
+Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a
+foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves.
+He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They
+are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here,
+since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if
+Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down
+the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just
+as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for
+the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness.
+I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents
+the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course,
+we cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but
+I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our
+cousins over here.
+
+Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed
+to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held
+by the best humourists who work for the _London Punch_. An _entente
+cordiale_ with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would
+be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about
+this country.
+
+When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen
+misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes--not an unusual
+sight, especially in regard to the last named--they don't shrug their
+shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They
+merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough.
+
+American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class
+distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest
+difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ
+died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been
+affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at
+the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of
+gentleness. When a man has attained that state of mind which prevents
+him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent
+provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained
+what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has
+approached very closely to the Christian ideal.
+
+And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the
+least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that
+people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more
+thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the
+thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of
+history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have
+met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great
+difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the _New York Journal_.
+
+We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has
+a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of
+it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us
+throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little
+puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much
+humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the
+matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few
+difficulties in the way.
+
+Of course, to talk like this may seem a little strange when the British
+flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes.
+But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean
+nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and
+the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps
+one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good
+results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business,
+but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would
+realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a
+good thing.
+
+If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three
+years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in
+each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if
+we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to
+criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an
+intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great
+help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical
+operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with
+its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited
+to allow the formation of differing groups of people.
+
+In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four
+Hundred, with a mansion on Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American.
+Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot
+of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander
+whose ancestors braved the elements in the _Mayflower_. Mention it
+casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse
+Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one.
+The _Mayflower_ business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people
+arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His
+followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small
+families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the _Mayflower_.
+
+I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not
+long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and
+the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose
+diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to
+her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I
+sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from
+where her children's forebears came.
+
+Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their
+ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk,
+as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the
+great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they
+seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great
+help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap.
+
+To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because
+you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying
+the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect
+manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell
+whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a
+"provincial," poor chap!
+
+Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good
+idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about
+the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too
+lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is
+what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much.
+
+Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was
+faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where
+his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any
+Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the
+house in a hansom cab?"
+
+"Yes," he replied.
+
+"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye."
+
+"Are there any others?" he asked.
+
+"Yes, but they're all thieves."
+
+She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a
+"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a
+'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice
+shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines
+living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window.
+
+
+
+
+VIII
+
+LACRYMATORY SHELLS
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, July 23, 1917.
+
+A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I
+know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather
+depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of
+marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no
+means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him,
+it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme
+Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become
+very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This
+lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost
+all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely
+nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton.
+
+I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a
+perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing
+a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of
+undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low
+townee fellow said "rats" to one of her statements. She replied with
+the sweetest smile in the world: "_That's_ an intelligent remark," while
+a large football player took revenge on the chap.
+
+From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk
+of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their
+habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by
+their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the
+English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature
+American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility
+towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about
+it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for
+horses, but hell for women."
+
+Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small
+and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then
+about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily
+furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they
+liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I
+said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of
+the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the
+number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really
+brutal man was equally useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was
+the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well.
+"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband,
+to light his study lamps for him--perhaps when he is tired after a day's
+work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by
+the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I
+continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was
+serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether
+serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember
+once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at
+all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness
+commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed
+from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and
+finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft
+house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a
+little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she
+explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to
+do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from
+visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really
+well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished
+at the devotion shown by his wife.
+
+But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American
+town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she
+said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his
+slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and
+helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was
+merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her
+point of view.
+
+Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I
+think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their
+noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study
+their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their
+husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like
+to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior
+working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to
+thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have
+committed suicide or escaped or something.
+
+But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a
+dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a _bon courage_ as a
+French lady once said after I had spoken much French.
+
+Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were
+all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only
+overt act that would stir the American heart to its depths would be the
+shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the
+"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I
+asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they
+all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be
+stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the
+Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I
+have since learnt what a "chicken" is.
+
+When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly
+(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very
+well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes
+about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken."
+She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is
+something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes
+that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that
+necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about
+is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her
+very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness"
+rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are
+generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is
+generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her
+powers. There is a tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what,
+that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with
+her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a
+wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think
+she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine
+her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own
+hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher
+up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather
+admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At
+first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but
+as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any
+other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing
+or not. American men seem to find them very diverting.
+
+The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works
+fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this
+country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for
+me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort
+at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have
+finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her
+friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means
+little harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never
+let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but
+always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and
+shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great
+friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very
+much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge
+nation by the few persons I have met.
+
+If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to
+your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in
+domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the
+business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame
+reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't
+enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to
+be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here
+because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has
+really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I
+will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited
+ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he
+assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But
+Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her
+lover or her slave and she takes the necessary steps to keep him in his
+proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the
+pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does.
+This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when
+they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection.
+Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and
+spend most of their time at the club.
+
+More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction.
+She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and
+friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her
+household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is
+always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very
+appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly
+dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse
+and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on
+dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the
+married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere
+else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of
+the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I
+suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting
+results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude
+towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war
+outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not
+dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that
+women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of
+honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to
+them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt
+their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest
+objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect
+that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are
+indeed veritable cowards by proxy.
+
+When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable
+he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and
+he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable,
+even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he
+gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly
+married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious
+or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been
+put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No
+women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me
+tell you about its _habitues_. Of course, it is impossible to say what
+sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its members
+are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago.
+
+The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men
+of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards
+were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for
+their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly
+some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed
+found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still
+this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to
+fight those Huns.
+
+Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of
+belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor
+to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is
+impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They
+say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say
+brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and
+more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but
+they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was
+sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were
+endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a
+cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man
+next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes a ray of sunshine down
+the canyon." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say
+quick, rapid funny things.
+
+At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and
+other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are
+comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are
+generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that
+this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like
+Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is
+a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed
+in towels, especially during these military days.
+
+But to return to the ladies--we had an interesting young person attached
+to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her.
+Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a
+rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land"
+to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert
+Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears."
+
+One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton
+the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our
+billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read aloud the
+following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the
+London _Times_ which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady,
+young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411,
+London _Times_." After looking round at the three of us he remarked:
+"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better
+answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an
+opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the
+advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of
+heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good
+looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in _les affaires de
+coeur_ was obviously the man.
+
+So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a
+rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so
+the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I
+remember the letter ran as follows:
+
+"Dear Friend:
+
+"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns
+endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give
+you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our
+position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally
+calls 'Somewhere in France.'
+
+"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents
+were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed
+but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as
+he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am,
+but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such
+disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I
+don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by
+Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as
+'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was
+the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anaemic meat
+pie with two friends.
+
+"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my
+brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely
+written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent
+to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large
+box of green sweets called "Creme de Mint," but they were sent to
+Wharton by his fiancee. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that
+famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon
+the portrait of her dead husband.
+
+"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes
+became fixed upon the table cloth, for thereon I read your charming
+notice. We always prefer the London _Times_ as a table cloth. The paper
+is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the _Daily
+Telegraph_, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of
+many arguments.
+
+"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the
+dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with
+me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five
+minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No
+longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's
+loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks,
+sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All
+would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it!
+
+"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your
+charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write
+regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant.
+
+    "When the sun starts to sink from my sight,
+     When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves,
+     There's one thing that's to me a delight--
+     The mail bag from Blighty.
+
+"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive
+your photograph I may even write a sonnet. And now I will close my
+letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence.
+
+  "Yours very sincerely,
+  "Hector Clarke-Stuart."
+
+The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to
+produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard
+to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable
+person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend
+the Royal Academy.
+
+At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both
+knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling
+sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her
+regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening.
+
+The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position
+several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at
+the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant
+Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two
+letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English
+miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with
+some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but
+when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves
+to themselves," thereby showing consideration for others but a mean
+spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very
+respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried
+on.
+
+The other letter was delightful and ran as follows:
+
+"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart:
+
+"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my
+little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am
+now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks
+which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but
+one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but
+indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of
+myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am
+but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to
+tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure
+that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built.
+
+"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers'
+photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not
+know them.
+
+"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas,
+dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am
+sure that things will change.
+
+"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the
+great poet who contributes verse to the _London Daily Fog_ each
+Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to
+your sonnet.
+
+  "Yours very sincerely,
+  "Rosalie De Silva."
+
+Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large
+pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We
+therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special
+orderly.
+
+It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that
+ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as
+well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was
+mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest
+by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the
+correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of
+Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major.
+
+One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the
+back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris
+Hoey."
+
+"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened.
+The maids are called "Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought
+that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie
+must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on
+leave in a few days.
+
+He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was
+inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous.
+Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from
+leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the
+occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never
+seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he
+had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich
+had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during
+his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife
+spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been
+merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun.
+
+
+
+
+IX
+
+SHELLS
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 5, 1917.
+
+When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the
+object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious
+that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is
+distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods
+so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less
+intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form
+themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is
+inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated
+with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and
+have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if
+their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they
+are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and
+viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These
+gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially;
+upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social
+pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally
+they are received in quite the best society. They consist often of an
+extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people.
+
+An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in
+others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after
+getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself
+to be a general in embryo.
+
+In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms
+where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one
+its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain
+lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and
+exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own
+countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess
+at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I
+decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted
+it.
+
+In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are
+representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller
+nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring
+nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man
+each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind
+of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented
+by one man, and Eddy Y---- looks after him. Great Britain's production
+department and France's inspection department are looked after by
+Captain L----. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans,
+Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all
+kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is
+interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they
+spake with tongues.
+
+In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials
+of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very
+big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very
+important calls upon them.
+
+But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a
+wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and
+worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes
+said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile
+in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but
+she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a
+waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think,
+about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to
+state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth
+Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so
+good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She
+wears a simple blue frock and a large white linen apron which ends at
+her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should
+train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons
+of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably.
+
+As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go
+to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel
+men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents
+possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden
+is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has
+to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading
+the person occupying the lower to change places--the lower person
+obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will
+gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first
+met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he
+remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether
+he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a
+naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made
+over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just
+brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that
+happens to be organizing.
+
+Then there is the head steel inspector. He dislikes English people, he
+thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I
+fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He
+is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes
+and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a
+"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course
+I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to.
+
+Then there is Eddy Y----. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty
+and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He
+loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a
+novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner,
+a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble
+once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it.
+He himself believed it.
+
+"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner?
+Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this
+morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day.
+Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the
+road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a
+chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's
+head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible."
+
+We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to
+sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the
+worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding
+ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we
+mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones
+passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on
+his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to
+sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and
+I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when
+the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What
+the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His
+mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he
+expected to see him running about again in about two days.
+
+Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always
+refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be _some_
+place; and the women, _Ma foi!_
+
+We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially
+those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once,
+especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day,
+two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of
+Russians seemed interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge
+voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans
+laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last
+fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of
+the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last
+you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me
+back at least six points." A good "come back!" _N'est ce pas?_
+
+Then there is Harry M----, one of the finest men that I have met. He is
+very clever and has one big thing in his life--devotion to his wonderful
+country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We
+are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always
+end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than
+most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then
+he girds himself for the combat.
+
+Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there
+were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a
+Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane,
+Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M----, are an Englishman; there ain't
+no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel
+told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how,
+may I ask, do you regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick
+Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just
+an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all
+laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if
+you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as
+much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the
+world to say anything that will hurt him.
+
+I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M----. He told me once that
+during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when
+Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of
+our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel
+company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with
+it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all
+over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons
+because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and
+France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at
+once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I
+know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the
+stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise
+an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. _Yes, to
+fight for England!_
+
+I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they
+would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there
+is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have
+known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in
+spite of our failure to foster it. We established an _entente cordiale_
+with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because
+many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the
+French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with
+America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home
+country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the
+rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans
+have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst
+the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people
+don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over
+a hundred years.
+
+But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike
+us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in
+England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high
+hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old
+fellow--America's only enemy.
+
+I share an office at the moment with a couple of American boys, both
+married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is
+necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I
+felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the
+office next to him. It is better so.
+
+The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and
+looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the
+United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings
+and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the
+father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and
+he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's
+contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books
+and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the
+story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some
+other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop
+or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every
+cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I
+hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen.
+
+The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage
+to get along very well with them both.
+
+There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a galaxy of beauty. I
+hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart
+appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and
+more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine
+tool department at the Ministry in London.
+
+I met old Sir Francis N---- one day going up the stairs at the Hotel
+Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that
+really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink
+when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic
+neutrality. It is better thus.
+
+I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates
+everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business
+it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult
+him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude
+things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the
+person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you
+have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about
+the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably
+became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business
+letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are
+liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are
+insulting a third person it is always good to put before your more
+cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much
+trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion
+is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom
+you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight
+out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs
+is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the
+same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper
+talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own
+actions with a coldly discerning eye.
+
+It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant,
+suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so
+well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful.
+
+There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of
+labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are
+useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a
+fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one
+flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but
+this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually
+splendid.
+
+Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not your
+intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed
+goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon
+the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles
+make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this
+and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these
+spectacles.
+
+Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh
+University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I
+shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until
+nine A.M. How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived
+one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at
+the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I
+looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and
+haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I
+thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on
+Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we
+spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely
+diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair.
+
+The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly
+has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man
+who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to
+work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I
+have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny
+from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from
+his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that
+his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely
+admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters.
+
+As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero
+worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their
+friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest
+amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is
+generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and
+invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and,
+what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse
+breed.
+
+Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible
+for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I
+have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a
+fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we
+had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and
+especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were
+always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by
+comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and
+exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only
+difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people
+have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been
+more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study
+the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England,
+he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier.
+
+I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother
+in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed
+with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under
+the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after
+leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and
+sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of
+wealth wondering if it has really been worth while.
+
+"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We
+work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea
+how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little
+American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent
+thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in
+the city he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark
+is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its
+possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of
+anywhere else.
+
+Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge;
+but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of
+truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I
+have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is
+obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are
+sometimes hard things to learn.
+
+
+
+
+X
+
+SUBMARINES
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 30, 1917.
+
+The other day Dicky C---- and I went to Atlantic City for the week end.
+So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt
+my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left
+this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The
+chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this
+worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the
+number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The
+caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our
+destination at about ten o'clock at night.
+
+Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get
+either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were
+turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or
+our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls
+trying to get some hotel to take us in.
+
+We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were
+full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a
+British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This
+worked like magic.
+
+We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the
+building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow
+guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in
+case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having
+wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of
+these.
+
+Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter
+was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes.
+About these clothes--I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost
+know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the
+material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands,
+and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was
+turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine.
+Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do,
+we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to
+starve rather than to give him a cent.
+
+We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a
+poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into
+a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of
+grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt
+more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on
+the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all
+the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very
+lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a
+nickel.
+
+Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in
+bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep.
+
+I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head
+threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted
+that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight
+stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a
+staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study
+in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they
+were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his
+light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and
+dressed.
+
+After breakfast, and as it was a table d'hote we were not at all sparing
+in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony
+overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I
+made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I
+had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of
+Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour.
+
+We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and
+donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very
+thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a
+continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of
+them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful.
+There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with
+clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There
+were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's
+bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on
+earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look
+awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged
+round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings
+seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no
+intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and
+their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful
+to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very
+strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady
+assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a
+girl's swimming skirt!
+
+I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's
+dress often seems designed to spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches
+are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short,
+displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are
+low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he
+places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of
+his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic
+City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly
+physical beauty in this country is a very high one.
+
+The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for
+Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were
+lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is
+obviously better that it should be as it is.
+
+Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were
+thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their
+existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large
+stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one
+walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer
+part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We
+came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were
+coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly
+diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned
+out. These American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would
+see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful
+swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed
+so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with
+their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for
+observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the
+beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a
+country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This
+fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a
+crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism
+is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open
+air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing.
+
+I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is
+delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange
+procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made
+of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable
+foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent
+architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I
+suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should
+come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and,
+upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be
+with a crowd of cheerful people.
+
+I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer
+season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't
+think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we
+were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go
+up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August.
+
+Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles
+along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from
+their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has
+a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey
+is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea.
+The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the
+inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea.
+Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are
+many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three
+bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the
+circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very
+large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer.
+
+Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for
+our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would
+return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur,
+and asked him for his expense account. Having paid it--it was one
+dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three
+shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little
+money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a
+mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little
+nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the
+chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole
+thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return.
+
+It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me--the
+people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the
+hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they
+have got to live, "_mais je n'en vois pas la necessite_," as some
+philosopher remarked.
+
+When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady
+quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain
+that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went
+over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all
+my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered.
+She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie"
+tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We
+arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight.
+
+
+
+
+XI
+
+AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT
+
+
+There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing--"Rule for
+the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great
+American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous
+speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing
+called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual
+battle for the United States, and won.
+
+Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham
+Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur,
+King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely
+enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but
+Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt
+about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the
+Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from
+England. I wish they hadn't.
+
+Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He
+and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies
+outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the people by
+the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about
+"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of
+yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies
+without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks
+within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes
+seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors.
+
+Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I
+can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay
+because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its
+wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to
+all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any
+foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who
+make politics their business.
+
+I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the
+faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many
+other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder,
+really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very
+long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the
+year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all
+his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament.
+Even football has developed into a form of trench warfare, sometimes
+not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object--to
+get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business
+schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking
+gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must
+have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never
+seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming
+over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it.
+
+Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that
+the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a
+"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed
+about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people
+subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided
+into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The
+tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money.
+It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One
+heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into
+song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If
+a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm.
+
+So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense
+existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this
+enthusiastic existence has formed a national trait. A man must get
+there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does
+not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often
+dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as
+long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five
+minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city
+killing a few people _en route_ because they have not time or
+inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly
+level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty
+locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really.
+Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have
+often waited from an hour to several hours for a train.
+
+So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this--not
+wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national
+enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and
+politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are
+obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a
+critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault
+of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have
+responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they
+are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong.
+
+One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It
+ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions
+the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a
+politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the
+American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the _New York
+Times_, the _New York Sun_, and the _Public Ledger_ every day and they
+are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers
+and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful
+American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they
+know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell
+their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned
+often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular.
+
+At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but
+during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always
+seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of
+the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to
+last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display
+disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely
+described as "newspaper talk."
+
+And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion
+is breathed against an English policeman by a good newspaper, the thing
+is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the
+policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look
+after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand
+the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of
+rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and
+carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular
+campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world
+to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of
+enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the
+prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever
+they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes
+brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English
+newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head
+police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of
+the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man,
+but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in
+us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then
+the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers.
+Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few
+weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of
+parliament, tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but
+surely it is foolish to criticise the cop.
+
+I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't
+know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories.
+
+If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national
+trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a
+matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are
+awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence
+they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly
+unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the
+telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because
+of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid
+its wires carelessly and untidily.
+
+An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his
+congressman--he never reads what the said gentleman says before the
+House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a
+citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of
+ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a
+particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!"
+
+It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and
+his family well. The next man finds it wanting, so he patches it. A
+concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the
+elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as
+flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first
+fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there."
+
+These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the
+Middle West.
+
+And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big
+background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and
+his natural efficiency allied to good health.
+
+Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That
+may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first
+generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this
+country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can
+see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an
+inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the
+effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants,
+the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The
+police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will
+not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless
+he deserves them.
+
+The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for
+reflection will mould the national character. Things will then change
+for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites,
+that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins.
+
+Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it
+profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million
+dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able
+to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life
+bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large
+estate until he has reached a great age.
+
+Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "_Et tu
+Brute_; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal
+worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by
+our cops. Go thou and do likewise."
+
+
+
+
+XII
+
+SIX DAYS' LEAVE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., September 30, 1917.
+
+I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the
+beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and
+see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was
+feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would
+allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I
+decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at
+Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at
+Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the
+entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white,
+possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts
+as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat,
+and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and
+family.
+
+I left Bethlehem at 3 P.M., arrived at Philadelphia somewhere
+around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the
+evening before catching the midnight train for Washington.
+
+While the kit of a mounted officer in the British army has certain
+attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field
+boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot
+and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven
+o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a
+necessity, so I descended to the cafe and suggested to the waiter that
+he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought
+that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint
+julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American
+people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word
+"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at
+Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large
+column in the cafe. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He
+did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was
+all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green
+mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more
+thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry.
+
+I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps,
+but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My
+first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt
+myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and
+masses of mint growing on the banks. I felt that delightful sensation
+that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one
+is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the
+dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of
+a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles
+and dentists returns to one's consciousness.
+
+This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see
+the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small
+voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what
+must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very
+familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to
+English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness
+returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the
+distance said: "Waiter, your d---- mint julep has gone to my head and I
+must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice
+expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank
+water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the
+wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite
+of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I
+should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A
+faint knowledge of Christian Science picked up from my chief in New
+York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel
+and along the road and caught my train.
+
+I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps.
+I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was
+extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several
+hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely
+potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is
+comparatively harmless and that it is _not_ a soft drink. Frankly I will
+never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many
+possibilities lurking in its icy depths.
+
+I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a
+wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to
+show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal.
+
+I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to
+accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most
+of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed
+in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store--good material, but
+badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the
+effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of
+them.
+
+Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in
+perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some
+advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they
+had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an
+entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic.
+
+We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that
+town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of
+conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know
+the sort--everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at
+once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of,
+"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been
+over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit
+quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all
+on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter.
+We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses
+soon. Gee! but we'll all have _some_ parties in London some day. We've
+got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our
+lives."
+
+Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers
+always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush
+about any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform.
+They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked
+tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought
+to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform
+that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the
+days of the great peace.
+
+It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in
+England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also
+caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred
+faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks.
+
+However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being
+saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to
+the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the
+latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called
+the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not
+adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've
+often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks
+smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow.
+
+These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole
+thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we
+were all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still
+enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is
+slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for
+we know what we are up against.
+
+Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked
+out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty."
+After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to
+grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then
+time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital.
+
+A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while,
+merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful
+about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it
+seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military
+life on the many men walking about the streets.
+
+One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior
+officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a
+good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young
+junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that
+the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone
+else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the
+actual difficult, dangerous work, the leading of a charge, for
+instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than
+the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment
+possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most
+impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to
+compare British experience in this respect with American.
+
+In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can
+afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both
+is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He
+is like a second year man at a university--just a little difficult to
+manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their
+platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course,
+when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it
+is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal
+intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling
+of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty,
+rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting
+link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link
+becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who
+makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very
+proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break
+occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than love, and in
+my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the
+affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy
+for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a
+"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar
+feller."
+
+After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a
+slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis.
+
+At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling
+the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I
+hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received
+cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R---- and
+M----. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R---- is
+what we would call in England a typical American girl--original, bright,
+happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M---- represents an
+international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl
+that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all
+abawt yer and yet likes yer."
+
+The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm
+and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep
+them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very
+glad to see him. His father, a naval officer of rank, had lived at
+Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation
+for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with
+mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained
+sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons.
+
+He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person
+being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large
+steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a
+laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town.
+Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales
+department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was
+complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty,
+droll things in one week than most people say in five years.
+
+As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words
+an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to
+Annapolis for a short course of intensive training.
+
+We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis.
+Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and
+has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses
+in England. It seemed sound asleep.
+
+We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good
+looking, playing in a piece called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no
+serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois
+looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing
+scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very
+well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not
+meant for sleeping in.
+
+After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great
+success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people
+came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my
+host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me
+that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible
+for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please
+her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china,
+prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All
+the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was
+quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner.
+
+However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but
+unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the
+grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince
+in a fashionable mausoleum.
+
+The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a
+charming country house on the Severn. There were about twenty of us and
+we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or
+regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is
+impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other
+members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president.
+
+We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating,
+dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had
+engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about
+everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim
+to music before.
+
+The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia
+boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the
+praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there
+is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet
+heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I
+cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds
+its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland.
+
+The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the
+whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy,
+with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and
+finally the main group of buildings, the effect is just wonderful. You
+should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally
+covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice
+seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps
+crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little
+round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by
+the ordinary seaman.
+
+Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the
+ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches.
+They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of
+laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M----, R----, and
+I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we
+have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we
+can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J----, sometimes
+we catch a glimpse of B----; often J---- is at the helm, so we all wave,
+but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we
+return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab
+catching is rather fun, but R---- is very bad at it for as soon as a
+crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets
+very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go.
+
+One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am
+perfectly certain that we stayed too long, but we hated leaving,
+because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was
+their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I
+believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit."
+
+At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated,
+and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short
+speech, every sentence of which was of value--short, brisk, bright,
+inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and
+presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went
+up and returned with their certificates. K---- got a particularly
+enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before
+the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine
+destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get
+him.
+
+After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of
+the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later,
+at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to
+be her guests in New York.
+
+The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the
+hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We
+went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic.
+
+The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the
+show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly
+devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass
+gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a
+little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or
+merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain
+men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies
+from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the
+people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up
+this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while
+hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to
+others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at
+the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very
+puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really
+are.
+
+The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots
+marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage
+to imitate a rather more clever person than himself--Billy Sunday. Of
+course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the
+right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a
+little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show
+that he is sincere and just as capable of making men better as of being
+able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "_Voila!_"
+
+A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are
+married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby.
+I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all
+red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not
+prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully
+for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big
+smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right.
+
+And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns
+and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to
+Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the
+Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the
+sailors of Uncle Sam.
+
+
+
+
+XIII
+
+GUNS AND CARRIAGES
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.
+
+I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called
+"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about
+guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things
+that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the
+comparative rest of the battlefield.
+
+Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had
+to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation
+of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a
+gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for
+the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who
+desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call
+the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun."
+But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of
+steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a
+layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the
+piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors
+be very careful about this. They are generally awfully good at
+mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They
+can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something
+to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful
+thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go."
+
+Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing,
+and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying:
+"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will
+burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No
+sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of
+that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that
+on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five
+pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater
+arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been
+present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that
+both sides were right--so what can you do?
+
+Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes--the thorough
+mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of
+the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires
+to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments,
+unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop
+foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in
+the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress
+the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job
+have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and
+interesting people.
+
+Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in
+England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I
+come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at
+lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were
+anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors.
+
+In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition.
+The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order
+for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal.
+Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector
+must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer,
+possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that
+things would run smoothly.
+
+In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest
+possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer
+gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that
+all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the
+same sort of work and really good workmen become scarce. Then again the
+inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes
+years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their
+very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a
+little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through
+inexperienced eyes.
+
+A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving
+himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun.
+Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he
+cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war
+is a mild performance.
+
+An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given
+munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and
+the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not
+deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must
+be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of
+course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be
+easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer
+will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the
+manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the
+manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector
+will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers are comparatively
+intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed,
+would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged.
+Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would
+sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly
+sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and
+had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is
+difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop
+"frightfulness."
+
+But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its
+opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it
+reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when
+it is issued to the battery.
+
+The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel
+ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of
+sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will
+not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the
+intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the
+inspector merely gives this a little attention.
+
+The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech
+rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two
+parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The
+inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated."
+It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a
+portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and
+here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine
+displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has
+got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch;
+this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break,
+this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the
+gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a
+feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for
+he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it
+through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in
+America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge
+of production has a rotten time of it.
+
+However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine
+shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much
+about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer
+has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch
+closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes
+the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the whole thing if
+it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments
+and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who
+will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to
+let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They
+ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they
+are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous
+and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all
+very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but
+it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and
+carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part
+contains the possibility of an argument.
+
+Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of
+manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones
+in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly
+Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any
+"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be
+displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem
+Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe
+me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of
+an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the
+Terriers minus a sense of humour, from taking the futile attitude of
+superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of
+the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty."
+
+Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as
+effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who
+was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles
+from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this
+time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor.
+He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making
+a single enemy." He had personality--that colonel.
+
+An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job
+thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the
+average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I
+said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace.
+Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these
+days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most
+dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and
+pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his
+sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is
+serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man
+causes delays and trouble.
+
+Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no
+sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very
+difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and
+thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his
+autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks
+"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the
+value of personality in every branch of life.
+
+An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never
+exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of
+work--work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and
+fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe
+when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America
+it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American
+manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a
+good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in
+dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them,
+if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the
+Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference--"Pray, gentlemen,
+consider that perhaps you may be wrong."
+
+In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got
+to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut
+sometimes and they often get away with it. Of course, they do not
+always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The
+mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd.
+
+It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short
+cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all
+about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters.
+
+But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that
+happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training
+in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job
+of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done
+quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school
+I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the
+dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in
+the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches
+or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt
+to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am
+ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from
+another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the
+battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was
+told that they had been pinched "by that there lootenant who takes the
+sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course,
+it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and
+although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about
+twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he
+gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing
+himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My
+N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it.
+
+One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be
+a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It
+was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted
+it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read
+orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger.
+
+At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to
+prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the
+school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only
+armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took
+up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders
+that day.
+
+At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I
+saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations
+being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a strategic
+retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to
+me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the
+riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I
+ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the
+riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked
+bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced
+me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and
+then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it
+isn't soldiering."
+
+It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my
+hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and
+looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had
+arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning.
+The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the
+formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else.
+The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was
+nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and
+they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I
+had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be
+trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked
+very bad.
+
+At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My
+own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house
+to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are
+sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried
+until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment
+after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins,
+you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of
+my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion.
+
+Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a
+time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during
+the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in
+orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, _i.e._, that if you want a
+thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are
+willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of
+the risk.
+
+In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a
+little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest
+person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most
+people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne,
+though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only
+officer of rank who had seen service.
+
+One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred
+men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men
+did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These
+emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that
+are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats
+you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section
+of the bellows of a concertina.
+
+Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a
+requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two,
+because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many
+weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is
+trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the
+stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible.
+However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles
+distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the
+department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the
+head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never
+occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the
+sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the
+officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I
+took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for
+life.
+
+The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I
+talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly
+happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps;
+how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the
+ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and
+slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go
+out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met
+an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my
+brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and
+gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely
+the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S."
+or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit,
+and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will
+you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from
+which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and
+quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip
+of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly.
+The men were fools--they took the matter as a joke and commenced
+exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning
+which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the
+very act, appreciated the situation and roared with laughter. After
+that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new
+emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they
+took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When
+this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything
+else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again
+in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud
+soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man
+wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we
+were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field."
+
+The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should
+have been the person to get _strafed_, and not he.
+
+There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and
+carriages.
+
+I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing
+so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had
+no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the
+start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the
+table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business
+and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being
+cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest
+gentlemen. In any case, I decided that if they were cunning the heights
+of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience.
+I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I
+just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We
+must have it. We've got to _strafe_ the Germans somehow and it is up to
+you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At
+any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got.
+
+I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten
+off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the
+difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little
+common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great
+deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee
+manufacturers."
+
+Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street
+boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is
+how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have
+been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an
+inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a
+little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with
+theirs.
+
+The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he
+dislikes killing people by machinery; hence the machinery of war has
+never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is
+impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes
+fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but
+optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some
+bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's
+awful.
+
+
+
+
+XIV
+
+A PREMATURE
+
+
+ BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., November, 1917.
+
+I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have
+met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!!
+
+I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a
+spade--and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you
+knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that
+no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and
+those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances
+and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy
+says.
+
+But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to
+understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they
+behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect
+disapproval.
+
+So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily
+educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave
+themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the
+use of an elegant accent called here with a little amusement "English."
+It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is
+merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks
+himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way
+superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course,
+but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at
+once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder.
+
+In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other
+countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you
+regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If,
+unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also
+that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great,
+climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then
+drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and
+your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment.
+
+No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably
+accounts for the fact that Britishers _do_ suffer and are embarrassed
+when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is
+quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a
+snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would
+suspect it.
+
+I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking
+about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American
+to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who
+delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety.
+I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who
+thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been
+extinguished for centuries--and all that sort of thing. In fact,
+anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at
+once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons
+on the continent in the days of peace.
+
+And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them
+down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful.
+I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's
+College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of
+breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They
+were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent
+disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for
+a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been
+such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and
+unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish
+that we could change, because the effect over here is most regrettable.
+One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not
+really an unpleasant people.
+
+Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here"
+and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not
+deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game.
+All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman
+comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior
+attitude, although unconsciously.
+
+The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to
+fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the
+great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way.
+_People don't know this._
+
+In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the
+Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience
+has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through
+years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom
+they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find
+him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us,
+but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of
+people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An
+Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful opportunities for expansion,
+and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with
+that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An
+Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The
+Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for
+his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of
+Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs
+from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer.
+The thing seems a little bit involved.
+
+During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of
+Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the
+whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives,
+having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk
+here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and
+entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head
+becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of
+huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast
+respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses.
+
+The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one
+of two things--either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality,
+but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, mark you,
+very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans.
+
+Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is
+receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to
+entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he
+himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and
+a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his
+mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He
+perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war,
+though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter.
+
+Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American
+society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment
+drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you.
+You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a
+representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a
+gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American
+people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know
+several British people in America who are not known in polite society,
+and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend
+diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the
+whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the
+only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without
+a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to
+the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible
+and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like
+children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes
+them furious, generally the former.
+
+When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of
+either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we
+can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We
+even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people
+may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form
+of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even
+affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed
+in other parts of America, it is _de rigeur_ to say that you are pleased
+to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In
+England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of
+having some ulterior motive. It is not done.
+
+I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour
+mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said
+when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He
+explained that it was the custom of the country and had to be followed.
+It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with
+the folk here.
+
+Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people.
+Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's
+reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a
+party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the
+wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings.
+Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a
+certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and
+expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together
+in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans.
+One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so
+to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very
+interesting tales.
+
+Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities
+amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American
+people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we
+shall bother to like them?
+
+
+
+
+XV
+
+"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"
+
+
+I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my
+friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England.
+The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort
+of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful
+organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an
+emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point
+is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have
+a king and that is all there is about it.
+
+When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of
+this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences
+in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and
+Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give
+up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden
+crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the
+rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of
+government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less
+ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy to understand this.
+A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense.
+
+It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this
+country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in
+St. Paul's, London, on America's Day.
+
+They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of
+kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England
+kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of
+Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying
+that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the
+flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution
+to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the
+writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when
+he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think
+that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great
+Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the
+monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of
+the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will
+understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a
+lot.
+
+I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us
+the most effective form of government. A nation is, I suppose, a group
+of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make
+self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity
+and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population,
+this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the
+needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten,
+or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a
+difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain
+succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the
+dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was
+astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from
+every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the
+empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are
+greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of
+the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British
+Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons
+have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must
+be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just
+in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things
+at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day
+are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We
+don't force this loyalty; it just grows.
+
+So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king
+from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such
+results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast,
+and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to
+Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the
+national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools,
+and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any
+part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something
+unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little
+man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I
+wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too,
+where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the
+greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the
+King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we
+British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds
+together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way
+stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child
+remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we
+believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our
+children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies
+and even kings and princesses once more people our minds.
+
+Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in
+fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching
+visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation
+to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its
+attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like
+children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The
+monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us.
+
+There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy.
+We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly
+decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in
+England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition
+party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and
+he has _the_ right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in
+accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the
+royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press,
+wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition
+ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place.
+So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a
+new law gentler and sweeter.
+
+Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous
+power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King
+Edward, some know the influence of our present monarch. All through
+this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and
+suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our
+insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone
+somehow.
+
+The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is
+true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has
+been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded,
+helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of
+individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer
+for the rest of his life.
+
+And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we
+do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our
+foolishness.
+
+A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and
+finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the
+palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father,
+an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave
+him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking
+hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the
+distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said
+very quietly: "I say, Mr. K----, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been
+interested in this boy of _ours_ and remember him well." Then the old
+man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away
+comforted greatly and very proud of his son.
+
+This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies
+our need.
+
+You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a
+king.
+
+If American people want to understand us they must take this into
+account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king
+it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this
+country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from
+a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had
+wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the
+whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from
+an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the
+world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that
+the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season.
+Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still
+exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have
+become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us
+suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed
+in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the
+king on Salisbury Plain the day before embarkation, and as we marched
+past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with
+that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through
+many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it
+helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king
+was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we
+gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men
+of that division are together to-day.
+
+The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly
+over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and
+beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to
+face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and
+awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little
+ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming
+out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother,
+father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day,
+and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a
+president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among
+us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form
+of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would
+never do for us.
+
+
+
+
+XVI
+
+A NAVAL VICTORY
+
+
+ October, 1917.
+
+I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at
+once called up M----, who said that as she was a member of the Motor
+Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that
+Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said
+that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to
+occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she
+had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward
+unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary,
+nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany
+her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly
+turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me
+to the demonstration.
+
+The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as
+officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several
+hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments,
+and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of
+Sousa.
+
+Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great
+conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little,
+mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of
+course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the
+performers.
+
+He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked
+on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The
+gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt
+rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into
+"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous;
+however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke
+a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather
+too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt
+militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of
+oratorical power.
+
+We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering
+remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W---- stepped
+forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and
+to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned
+out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the
+gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a
+man dressed as a British officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He
+was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an
+engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening
+dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry
+in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started.
+
+He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in
+America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own
+men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though
+the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have
+always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to
+shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers
+that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed
+too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German
+propaganda.
+
+However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal
+with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he
+had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian
+officer, I want to tell you that it is a _Damned Lie_." He brought the
+thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the
+Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure.
+
+A little blood commenced to flow about the stage at this time and he
+was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps
+he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know
+that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal
+columns.
+
+He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not
+in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli
+business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled
+by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the
+wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that
+he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and
+were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us
+there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we
+were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly
+dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of
+the British Empire.
+
+So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he
+waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just
+a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly
+the while and getting a little like a parson.
+
+He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I
+have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney
+paper gave a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor
+being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the
+chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In
+like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous
+insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I
+wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am
+certain did a great deal of good.
+
+I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express
+a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He
+mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were
+eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche,
+and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting
+"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the
+hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing
+in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and
+succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family
+enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the
+blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite
+right, but the thing interested me and I wondered.
+
+Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't
+it true that Germany has been guilty of such filthiness that she is
+slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have
+always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't
+it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking
+of the _Lusitania_ and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in
+Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be
+cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who
+loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the
+Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred?
+
+I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps
+them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of
+Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion
+of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,--all that sort of thing. She is
+bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the
+Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten,
+licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be.
+
+As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and
+I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed,
+except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed"
+cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who
+have told me have spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't
+seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next
+to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I
+have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I
+have heard Fritz admired.
+
+I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major,
+while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get
+atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out
+with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely
+observed that it was very natural.
+
+Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a
+procession of wounded--but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant
+with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories
+on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face,
+and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice
+chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been
+getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the
+German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke
+in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross
+people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"--as a German
+prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I
+returned without the helmet and told the story to the major, and he
+said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins."
+
+Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can
+hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the
+Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been
+taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I
+knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard
+fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either,
+and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the
+Boche were _always_ dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they
+show up badly as sportsmen.
+
+Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into
+the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of
+beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace
+to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the
+newspapers say.
+
+But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being
+affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some
+philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how
+to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be
+stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so
+you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A
+famous member of my clan, David Livingstone, went about amongst the
+most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because
+of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like
+the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not
+let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans
+how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not
+true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense
+of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid,
+vulgar thing called hate.
+
+The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry
+officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts
+of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little
+humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them
+some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly,
+and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience.
+
+The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me
+seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill,
+that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the
+top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in
+the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the
+back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised
+as a gunner officer behind the lines, that he had remained with six
+wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been
+wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines
+at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two
+German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second
+battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in
+the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures----!
+
+And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big
+men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return
+they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell
+them--nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes,
+wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if
+they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very
+easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable
+billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes
+face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my
+service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry
+officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that.
+
+Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a
+horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He
+was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into the mess at times.
+Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several
+of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in
+capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor
+with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench
+surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed
+tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each
+end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had
+little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own
+trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were
+bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was
+a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to
+the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but
+the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He
+gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun,
+so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement.
+
+These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and
+no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for
+killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too
+brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the
+battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being
+attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red
+Cross chap to let him die for his country.
+
+I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what
+impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a
+pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope
+that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that
+sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not
+sure that it is advisable for us to do it.
+
+The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at
+Chestnut Hill. M----'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at
+once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to
+the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A----
+liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of
+Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was
+enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took
+him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled,
+and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by
+the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they
+commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew.
+
+I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think
+that it could not be helped and that perhaps the men made better
+fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France
+and "Flounders" I may feel the same.
+
+At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time.
+They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they
+know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are
+appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our
+men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number
+of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with
+"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man
+has when you are not employing him!
+
+Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys
+stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure,
+one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!"
+
+I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I
+always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the
+world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are
+ashamed of it.
+
+If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away
+with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves,
+too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred.
+
+
+
+
+XVII
+
+POISONOUS GAS
+
+
+ November, 1917
+
+I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is
+not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and
+the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is
+all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting
+hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally
+speak at club luncheons and dinners.
+
+One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood
+club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful
+evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My
+turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine
+talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and
+I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up
+and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness
+and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny
+stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so
+much that I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I
+did say.
+
+A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the
+club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship
+and affection.
+
+I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When
+the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which
+had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America
+realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to
+England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons
+to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American
+man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At
+the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism
+always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the
+Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and
+some shipwrecks.
+
+Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club
+over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading
+business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and
+endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks
+for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock
+goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an address. I rather love the
+Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members
+behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many
+cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought,
+even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to
+swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen
+business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the
+business world.
+
+Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I
+even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia
+lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people
+present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a
+graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines.
+At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering
+described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the
+sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all
+descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the
+Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in
+a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days
+seemed to be in the air.
+
+Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It
+happened at the Eagle Hotel. One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel
+Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at
+the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B----, I'll be delighted,
+though I am no orator."
+
+So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr.
+B----'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the
+people in this burgh have not _quite_ realised the situation. Many are
+of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond
+of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to
+get money for the Red Cross."
+
+"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B----?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac;
+give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that."
+
+After lunch, Mr. B----, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up.
+(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age.
+He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face,
+hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small
+boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the
+circus.)
+
+He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies,
+men who have heard the whi----stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen
+the burs----ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes
+will address you."
+
+The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind
+a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the
+Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one
+of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound
+and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of
+relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz
+bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on
+to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful.
+
+Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They
+are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're
+up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the
+rope and burn your poor hands.
+
+I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience
+about the Red Cross _a la guerre_. Whenever I tried to thrill them they
+all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the
+trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success.
+I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the
+war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all
+collapsed and I sat down.
+
+Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands.
+
+It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to
+introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the
+chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A
+fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home
+town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a
+small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first
+versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out
+and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This
+was a great help.
+
+About this eulogizing--my Highland blood helps me to understand; my
+English education tells me that it is--well, displaying all your goods
+in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says
+"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these
+eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are
+generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things.
+
+I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food,
+chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's
+to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and
+harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a
+lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell on my
+chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her,
+but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid.
+
+I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I
+were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine
+audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth
+towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my
+year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the
+mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got
+to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee
+heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July,
+1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was
+paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem.
+
+Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss
+the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They
+discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would
+be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job.
+The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited
+upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors,
+colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I
+said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown
+to my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of
+Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large
+number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had
+an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I
+was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice
+thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet.
+
+Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I
+should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult
+for me.
+
+The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many
+fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding
+and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas
+mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that
+should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself
+standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people.
+
+The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and
+I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng
+of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play
+various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into
+"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The
+people then solemnly repeated the oath of allegiance to the Republic,
+while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all
+very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a
+Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time
+as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief
+Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his
+inspiring address was heard by only a very few.
+
+Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a
+little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building
+beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by
+the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of
+happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I
+don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor
+British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building
+behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke
+every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down,
+there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I
+had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels,
+and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass
+and tinkling cymbals--Love. I had a very great love for my friends of
+Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate between Anglo-Saxons
+and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great
+patience.
+
+After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer,
+hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans
+of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to
+France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad,
+it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland,
+and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you."
+One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you
+had any power in England."
+
+Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking.
+Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of
+the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches
+and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for
+the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of
+talking.
+
+
+
+
+XVIII
+
+THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA
+
+
+ December, 1917.
+
+I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and
+have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a
+profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred
+miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases
+out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help
+the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going,
+at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown,
+Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown,
+Huntingdon, and Harrisburg.
+
+At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of
+Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania
+Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the
+Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my
+audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people
+have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation.
+They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism
+which is more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display.
+
+At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming
+place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a
+little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets,
+heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their
+journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people,
+who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country
+in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I
+hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who
+discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling
+in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing
+the Boche even unto the last man.
+
+At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre,
+and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone
+wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to
+gather the attitude of the people.
+
+We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long
+journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for
+it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I
+enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train,
+especially in Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always
+find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way.
+
+I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday
+afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the
+fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room
+was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat.
+
+A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a
+"drummer"--a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its
+consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do.
+I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the
+keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American
+character.
+
+And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling
+for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,--I'm not sure
+that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for
+his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt
+a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had
+bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind.
+
+These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off
+their job. Their numbers are great and their customers are always on
+the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about
+their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal
+with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to
+make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,--both are
+effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for
+must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing
+their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant
+whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men.
+He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way.
+
+The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant
+looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I
+don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?"
+
+The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell _you_ anything."
+
+"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant.
+
+"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed
+son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs
+of atrocities."
+
+The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "_Come in!_" So the
+drummer entered with certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his
+desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer,
+fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar,
+walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over
+the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It
+was not difficult after that.
+
+Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather
+small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour
+in a local club.
+
+At three-thirty A.M. we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest
+of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At
+Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The
+Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience
+and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that
+men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell
+them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all
+that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is
+not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which
+appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before
+him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the
+greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of poisonous gas by
+the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so
+unsporting as to resort to such methods.
+
+Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely
+take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing
+German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round
+of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell,
+the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the
+world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically
+Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months
+to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the
+British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to
+her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam
+to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76."
+
+Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a
+fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will
+be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is
+cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course
+there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the
+rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks--to endeavor to
+foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America.
+My objects cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the
+newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I
+myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much
+better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the
+world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes
+and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he
+replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen."
+
+And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be
+forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform
+looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope
+to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I
+told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were
+all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even
+in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a
+little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until
+they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American.
+They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an
+hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated
+leaving Washington.
+
+Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of
+the man who was drowned there and who bored all the saints in Paradise
+with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy,
+although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a
+corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him
+that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of
+his own.
+
+It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in
+the "movie" theatre was small.
+
+We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic
+and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap
+would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and
+I'm with you."
+
+Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we
+returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I
+loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me
+by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings.
+
+I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey
+ended.
+
+I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be
+the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes
+to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a
+solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote.
+
+Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number
+of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous
+looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only
+because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually
+cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students.
+Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The
+circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and
+was showing promise of a useful life.
+
+I can see it all now; his great friend--for men become great friends in
+a college--working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after
+he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel
+bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend
+solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all
+very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which
+made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that
+night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of
+us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take
+up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight.
+
+The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of
+us who had been swimming received anonymous P. C's. from religious
+persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT
+YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers
+upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we
+recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have
+since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life
+could have been.
+
+When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England
+persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as
+they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to
+punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be
+sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill
+them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we
+should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the
+yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as
+children when they played around her and confided their every trouble,
+the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing,
+friendship--all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to
+church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is
+Love"--and sometimes even in the day nursery.
+
+I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot from a whizz-bang.
+The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to
+think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official
+notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men
+newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You
+can't.
+
+Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote--trying
+to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found
+it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and
+one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the
+fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one
+another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course,
+follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient
+exhausted will have a long convalescence and then--God! what will the
+next war be like?
+
+History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out
+at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find
+some serum that will inoculate us against it.
+
+Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the
+face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with
+their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the
+pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks,
+so great is its devotion. We can see it when by accident we tread upon
+the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of
+groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes,
+begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly.
+We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the
+face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the
+prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the
+world, for it is love.
+
+The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once
+the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church
+with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she
+stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday,
+but during the week--Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it
+that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch
+these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog.
+See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets
+his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real
+thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a
+wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his
+gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead
+driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, at once
+showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But
+in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not
+taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are
+to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the
+world. It is truly our only chance.
+
+Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been
+applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares,
+the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all
+irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is
+hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or
+regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to.
+
+Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I
+suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and
+Flanders--a strange place to learn a strange lesson.
+
+Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with
+many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits
+back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable."
+
+And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown
+out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just
+imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful
+consideration deciding to apply the antidote I have suggested. In three
+days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done.
+Perhaps it could be applied in America.
+
+"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather
+wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after
+finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia,
+according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our
+struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just
+imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down
+Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an
+awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course
+we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge
+battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take
+our just deserts, and we will get them.
+
+
+ PHILADELPHIA, January, 1918.
+
+I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving
+talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our
+first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go
+from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses
+in the Court Houses.
+
+We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 A.M. in the Lehigh
+Valley Railroad's charming train called the "Black Diamond." Our party
+consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a
+British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's
+job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough
+everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told _not_ to do any talking. I
+should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he
+had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his
+own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility.
+
+We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and
+dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed
+to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the
+beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a
+fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who
+advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a
+large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two
+and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to
+sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator,
+having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens,
+addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for
+none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his
+jokes missed fire. At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to
+possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the
+folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than
+their brethren in the cities.
+
+I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay
+in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to
+introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs.
+
+After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of
+young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to
+whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They
+succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy
+any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred
+curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at
+night and cannot go to sleep.
+
+The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we
+addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground
+was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting
+from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the
+congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more
+control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were
+sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said,
+"Yes, quite so--the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up
+there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of
+course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience.
+The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a
+firm desire to get along with the job.
+
+That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly
+large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that
+I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This
+may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a
+good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us
+greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club.
+
+The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every
+town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the
+spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a
+rush. I had friends in Scranton,--a boy and a girl married to one
+another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon
+my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards
+which a great stream of people was advancing.
+
+I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely
+seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some
+members of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to
+the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I
+wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them
+that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the
+veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly
+to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The
+mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have
+faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with
+public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain
+preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in
+their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have
+got hardened to it.
+
+At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six
+hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded
+the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when
+he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone.
+
+Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of
+the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the
+soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and
+slowly. The effect was fine.
+
+After some remarks on the part of the chairman, in which he said that
+the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke.
+He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before.
+It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a
+British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in
+regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an
+hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four
+thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly
+Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very
+easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and
+they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour,
+and I have lived with the British Tommy.
+
+The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful
+audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen
+and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their
+town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in
+for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a
+citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is
+about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this
+war is over, I am quite sure.
+
+That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. Apparently the
+audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a
+reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk
+of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice
+folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of
+course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I
+daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the
+war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity
+to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly
+interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what
+they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two
+meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled
+with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing
+through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled
+with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing
+through." It is a pity that they could not have met.
+
+We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm
+which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and
+Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man
+who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and
+Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget.
+
+People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to
+the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk
+there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective
+sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up.
+
+After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and
+addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York,
+Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would
+be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm.
+
+York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent
+hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little
+way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during
+the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water
+therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice.
+The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief
+residential street,--an avenue called after one of the kings of England.
+
+The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It
+was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have
+dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five
+minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the
+battlefield, but there were several feet of snow, so it was difficult.
+However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves
+occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The
+weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including
+some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic.
+
+The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and
+he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it
+"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French.
+
+Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined
+us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first
+days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with
+us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling
+community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much
+enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who
+desired to enter.
+
+The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an
+English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built
+before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the
+senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the
+American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many
+stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of
+buildings.
+
+We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our
+entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves
+were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour
+of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort
+seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind.
+
+The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all
+the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the
+inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and
+pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about
+its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to
+Middleburg.
+
+The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my
+last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are
+very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to
+Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the
+ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held
+at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant
+seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the
+hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their
+interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To
+me there seemed in this charming little community the spirit of the men
+of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the
+British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were
+fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true,
+nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed
+me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British
+people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in
+view--the downfall of futile autocracy.
+
+The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in
+the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little
+towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride
+creeps over him when he makes the discovery.
+
+How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were
+in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when
+they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length
+and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might
+do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital.
+Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and
+little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators
+address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know
+about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right
+pitch and the Government will then have a certain quantity to base
+their plans upon.
+
+At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism
+that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all
+mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great
+big composite mistake of unpreparedness.
+
+I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to
+town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to
+win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but
+that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this
+is going to be a wonderful help to us.
+
+I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during
+the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks
+in the distance shine with a very rosy light."
+
+And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman
+if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle
+Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will
+not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and
+the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there,
+smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him
+too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face
+when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!"
+
+
+
+
+    +-----------------------------------------------+
+    |             Transcriber's Note:               |
+    |                                               |
+    | Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the  |
+    | original document have been preserved.        |
+    |                                               |
+    | Typographical errors corrected in the text:   |
+    |                                               |
+    | Page   9 Day's changed to Days'               |
+    | Page  16 traveling changed to travelling      |
+    | Page  85 damndest changed to damnedest        |
+    | Page 115 Chilians changed to Chileans         |
+    | Page 116 Chilian changed to Chilean           |
+    | Page 118 fall changed to fail                 |
+    | Page 119 Chilian changed to Chilean           |
+    | Page 128 possesser changed to possessor       |
+    | Page 197 woud changed to would                |
+    | Page 201 German's changed to Germans          |
+    | Page 214 eulogise changed to eulogize         |
+    | Page 215 eulogising changed to eulogizing     |
+    | Page 231 stronge changed to strange           |
+    | Page 242 traveler changed to traveller        |
+    +-----------------------------------------------+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie
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