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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/35104-8.txt b/35104-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..06eb25b --- /dev/null +++ b/35104-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6013 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Over Here + Impressions of America by a British officer + +Author: Hector MacQuarrie + +Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + OVER HERE + + + + + ============================= + THE STORY OF "OVER THERE" + EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT + ----------------------------- + + HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT + + BY HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab. + Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery + + Illustrated, $1.35 net + + "A Masterpiece"--NEW YORK SUN + + +_Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms_ + + It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in + store for him at the front. This book will give you the + facts,--read it and counsel your boy for his physical and + spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his + attention to the chapters that you think will be of the + greatest value to him. + +_If You Are an American_ + + Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living + and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It + will help you understand what difficulties face our army, + both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read + the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy + and greater understanding. + +[Illustration] + + + + + OVER HERE + + IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA + BY A BRITISH OFFICER + + + + HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab. + + SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY + + AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT" + + + + [Illustration] + + + + PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON + J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + 1918 + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + + PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918 + + PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS + PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A. + + + + + TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER + A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO + DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917 + THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED + + + + +PREFACE + +A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE + + +During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to +other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to +admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since +it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to +let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts. + +From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have +been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought possible +in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where misunderstanding +has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able to express my +feelings. + +I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a +little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that +American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense. + +Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman +to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising +his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was interesting +to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride ourselves +upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is obvious. +Most humour is based upon the surprising incidents and coincidents of +domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British to appreciate +specious American humour when we know nothing of American home life, and +but little of American society? + +When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as +pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have +become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own +countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite +sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to +criticise the American people. + +During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon +anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been +written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my +room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to +speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards +good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to +amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite +hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong +intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations. + + HECTOR MACQUARRIE. + + BETHLEHEM, PA., November, 1917. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA 11 + + II. NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE + MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 17 + + III. SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS" 36 + + IV. "VERY'S LIGHTS" 46 + + V. A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 52 + + VI. GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! + THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF BECOMING BURIED 77 + + VII. SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 84 + + VIII. LACRYMATORY SHELLS 95 + + IX. SHELLS 113 + + X. SUBMARINES 129 + + XI. AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 137 + + XII. SIX DAY'S LEAVE 146 + + XIII. GUNS AND CARRIAGES 162 + + XIV. A PREMATURE 180 + + XV. "BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME" 188 + + XVI. A NAVAL VICTORY 196 + + XVII. POISONOUS GAS 209 + + XVIII. THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 219 + + + + +OVER HERE + + + + +I + +A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA + + + R. M. S. BEGONIA, Atlantic Ocean, + August 30, 1917. + +When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite +certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United +States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my +days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills, +accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless +there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the +whole I felt glad. + +After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent +home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light +duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed +to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help +in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would +be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the +sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the +proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer. + +My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I +rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They +are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic +relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of +course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type, +rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we +still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course, +make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their +national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other +hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out. + +It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the +Germans. We dislike them. They ought to. + +However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the +munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was +astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and +especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the +thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses +like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women," +whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They +were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young persons +merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms, sweeping up the +floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one, sweeping up the +floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep and saying, +"Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer gun and +carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting behind it +having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some confusion and +looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be called +"pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon rooms +provided for the women. When women do things there is always a graceful +touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge of +several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking, the +women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were +closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes +arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman. + +The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of +them hate this--naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her +hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I +don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be +insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in +the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of her scalp. I won't vouch +for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the +accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large +munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that +while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there +were certain risks of losing the glory altogether--and was it worth +while? + +I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to +jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful +cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days +in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army +form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in +Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they +will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that +is all that matters. + +Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a +rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the +Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes. +Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big +thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her +husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was +caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an +unfortunate incident with a harmless lamb, which made his stay in the +country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so +that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I +took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would +suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an +humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the +tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a +dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I +decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few +objections, but I regretted that he was so big. + +He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him +safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right, +and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to +spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of +the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox +terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little +puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight +dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps +too much humour. + +These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am +enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by +another officer from the navy, a correspondent of the _Daily Mail_, and +a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked +Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in +an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I +think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling +it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he +observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick +any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great +faith. + +We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an +unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am +sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people, +and the Bostonian sought another table. + +We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New +York and the skyscrapers. + + + + +II + +NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY" + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. + +After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off +the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson +River. + +What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely +"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy +and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks, +where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot +impress a stranger when he first gets there. + +The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white, +sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous +products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When +man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes +off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at +dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little +puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to +twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the +buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently +untidy. + +Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss +to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with +a kindly face, called Captain H----. I have never been able to decide +whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian +army, a sea captain, or what. + +This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He +expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the +naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled +around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him +about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been +appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an +untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of +New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around +the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be +numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of +variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey. + +We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going +to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an +impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few +days. I thought, however, that the road seemed a bit bumpy, and I must +admit that I disliked the taxicab. + +Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a +place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral. +There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men, +very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He +spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the +desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent +expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and +finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the +"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that +America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel +clerks and head waiters in their places. + +We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly +ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft +tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and +the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a +gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear +oneself speak. + +American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think +it is much nicer. H---- ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We +had clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English +coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of +mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of +"playing" with it as we do. + +After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors. +I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of +the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch +accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common +friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty +it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of +fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete +aristocracy--why I don't know--and with his keen manner let me know it. +He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely +useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter +of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us +and is a splendid chap. + +Later he confided to H----, and H---- confided to us, that a man who +could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war +time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but +it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will +power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good +position, naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the +fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar +struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his +feelings, with little success, alas! + +I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst +others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very +interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not +know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come +under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that +was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense +of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great +deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the +chorus generally, bordered on the _risqué_. There seems, also, to be a +type of _comédienne_ who comes forward and talks to the people in a +diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt +to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often +seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale +in Montmartre. + +It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco +here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New +York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I +spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty +dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I +naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four +one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written +on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that +the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned +to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked +unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one +dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my +change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the +clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried, +had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best +policy. + +I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much +overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American +friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks. +He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that +people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown +off their feet during a gale. They formed cañons. He said that the +lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the +health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in +artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York. + +The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are +wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality +perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks. +I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their +names. + +One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered +what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were +behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a +"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon +squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and +her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like +as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her +pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another +young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and +explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied +any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for +agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How +do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the +finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of +course there were other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star +differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until +"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in +laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too +funny for words, and giggled like an idiot. + +Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame +creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only +to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to +insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark +out my order and see what happens. + +I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P----, a sapper subaltern, +conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage +we left New York at nine o'clock. + +In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to +Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street, +and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached +Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we +had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed +away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the +Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I +was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but +gauze screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most +of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One +may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to +the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small +compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this +compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the +train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American +trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is +very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade, +ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool +things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes +like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said. + +After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first +impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from +the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut +shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy +looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is +suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life +in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely +depressing. + +We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on in a wagon. I decided +to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room +"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this +occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall +very pretty dark young lady. + +After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro +boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel. +This was done and as P---- and I walked away from the hotel we could +hear fierce barking and yelping. + +At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and +members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the +plant and P---- introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I +shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into +detailed descriptions now. + +These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and +they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to +be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the +place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem +to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in +the form of avenues. + +I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of +the people I meet and the impressions I glean of their characteristics. +Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one. +In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge +us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters +in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a +little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has +suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the +insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of +this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived +before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants +upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all +the interesting qualities that man is heir to. + +I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel +plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an +impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I +insisted, but _not_ with the dog. + +There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave +me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person +seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached +being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat +a dog with a great amount of respect. + +Fortunately, a friend--one of the steel officials--offered to look +after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a +happy home; so that is all right. + +Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low +tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support +the belfry above, thus forming an open platform. + +At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise. +At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very +well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped +back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we +found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to +the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a +number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some +earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The +general effect was pleasing. + +After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and +he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had +been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of +sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the +Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar +sect. + +I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet any of my countrymen. I +suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B----, who has +been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with +some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from +summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have +met quite a number of the steel men. L---- has very kindly allowed me to +have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel, +however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I +suppose it is all right. + +On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching +and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an +extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with +untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a +band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful +procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers +edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of +purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or +purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole +effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I +have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and +they were having a demonstration at Reading. + +The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process. +(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use +it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the +climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to +imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe +the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous +value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we +humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking +on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the +Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of +sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar +processions would pass often. + +My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It +is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go +I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable. + +The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a +true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat +looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States +definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked +the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle +Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless people +are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to +regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a +decent murder or a fire in the same way. + +The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and +want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances. +They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are +with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take +different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially +France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times +they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war. +They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement +about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies. + +I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us +as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our +sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think +that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British +intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her +son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks +that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to +me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people to show too +much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They +are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The +houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses. +Portiéres often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive +occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The +effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it +must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on. +Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their +servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in +any case. + +On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people +seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a +Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian, +Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look +into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only +look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting +orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old +pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's. +Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is. + +The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I +suppose the streets are cleaned sometimes, but never very well. At any +rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which +accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any +citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full +of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have +been told that this cannot well be helped. + +The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is +impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large +rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the +twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the +fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe +that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then +they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep +the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there +are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant +foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in +some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The +Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United +States entered the war they would soon be _strafed_ by the fatherland, +and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money. + +Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All +the people photographed are of Southern European blood. One sees happy +brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded +by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies +things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined +with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests +on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is +hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person +rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in +time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the +coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the +corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his +waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking +their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying +in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other +children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think. +These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a +curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good +funeral. + +I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful +city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the +hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place, +business has taken charge of the people here, but the natural beauty of +this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man +who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the +beauty of the hills: + +"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene +of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees +contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if +that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the +pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the +sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley, +is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a +brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum +is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of +brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost +white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden +pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of +berries of a brighter red." + +In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very +lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously +beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the +town. + + + + +III + +SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS" + + + BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917. + +A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to +have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American +folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable. +Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally +rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have +all got something attractive about them. + +It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the +country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise +and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build +beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around +them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone +can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of +several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give +wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get +a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the +honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women +dress beautifully, and often tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on, +everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one +grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite +a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all +happy and cheerful. + +It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose +the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in +Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London +to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at +home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty +and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the +jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun. + +Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country. +A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is +a thundering good fellow--a leader of men. That is the point. One used +to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse +manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better +manners than we have, especially towards women. + +Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to +be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is +established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is +large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its +very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or +portiéres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into +a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and +eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's +partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She +may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or +a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If +one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves +a new man to be careful. + +I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance +anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to +confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the +situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the +annoyance of the débutante. I have not danced with any very young people +yet. I would not dare. + +If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by +the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on +you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle +for more than one length of the room is gone. American young men will +never allow a débutante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch +of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all +done very gracefully. To dance with an American débutante requires +skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the +music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all +rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately +and gently swing with the music. + +Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is +nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young +people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for +very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to +you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs +this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I +replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of +etiquette. + +If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of +being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a +matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in" +on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but +it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she +would not otherwise get, and she understands. Generally speaking there +are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses. + +There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a +cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they +one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a +broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A +string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and +beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great +compensation to a woman at her prime--her feet. They can be made +charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and +sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a +little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too. + +Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American +cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and +that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack +Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well +decorated, too. + +The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In +Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor +out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is +fairly crowded and a little irritating for the débutantes. Still they +are quite good-natured about it and only smile when a large freight +locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them. + +After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entrée, the music +starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten +minutes and then return to the entrée, now cold. This goes on during the +whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion. + +After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the +large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs. +This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent +upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about +midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a +couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times. +Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and +awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by +the cocktail party the next day. + +What pitfalls there are for the unwary! + +One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked +me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my +ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called +her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me _to +lunch_. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds +of people there and wondered how they were all going to be seated at +the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at +about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to +stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning +lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward. + +About cocktail parties--well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that +they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the +Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one +said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties +are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the +life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter +of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink +cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small +shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the +Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin +and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk +about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their +way home from church and nicely dressed. + +It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us +all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few +cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results +are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are +usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in +power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the +house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly +always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never +seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what +I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly +hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but +they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every +opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally. +Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become +quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless +companions, but out of the question as wives. + +When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often +difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment. +Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at +all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are +either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to +the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will +either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she +will be the other thing. It will be necessary for you to humour her as +much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good +hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her +money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full +value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you +to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in +the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart +set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but +the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which +will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her +back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the +lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of +the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven +help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop +than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have +heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women. + +There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should +not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him. +But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a +title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly +several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls +are foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude +towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has +not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because +they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have +known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for +the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps, +a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience +for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose. +It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child +arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way +that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is +naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain +steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with +the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it +will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot, +but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will +always be willing to suffer. Why should she? + + + + +IV + +"VERY'S LIGHTS" + + + BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917. + +I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas +Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the +screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close +up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to +know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite +a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something, +and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few +attractions. The people in film land are all interesting. + +There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and +haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and +what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not +going to talk about the vampire. + +Film stories can be divided into three classes--the wild and woolly, the +crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human +interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories. + +The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his +New York home, and his gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a +friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider +on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat +and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find +himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though +charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all +armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of +the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice +looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to +stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A +little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint +mademoiselle, _n'est ce pas_, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a +"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest +possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us +fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his +mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a +"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine +well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure. + +But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an +extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as +he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission to movie actors in +horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a +horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it +is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to +teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in +parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach +them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag +your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they +will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all +missions have--but this by the way. + +John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start, +and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person +will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live +for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes +(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and +then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling +that the world without romance would be a dull place. + +I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into +deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by +Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then +suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road +after--Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over +with the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are +generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time. + +The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a +little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the +four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be +strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their +houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful +statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well +sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times. + +In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with +white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and +nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge +and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the +vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his +innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying +a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background, +praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the +pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of +garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at +a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then +the scene stops and she probably curses the fellow working the lights +if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But +don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably +punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married +man. + +The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of +some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow. + +They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of +chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There +is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good +looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any +sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are +peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good +looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York. + +The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground +cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink +a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one, +and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on. + +Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People +like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write +his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in +all things with every one. And so he laughs his way along the screen +journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very +brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses, +and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we +can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us +sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes +and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan, +really. + +Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a +little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting +accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little. +Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to +the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers +in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little +promiscuously, I think. + +Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most +of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why. +In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are +even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out +quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a +pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well +played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well +together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and +comfortably. + + + + +V + +A CHRISTMAS TRUCE + + + BETHLEHEM, U.S.A., January 25, 1917. + +On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a +comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed +many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop +No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said, +"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up +by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings. +Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are +getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by +express?" + +That Assistant Superintendent never did like me. + +Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours +by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a +Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there +"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green +and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists +reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas +Day in a Pullman! And worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with +the snorers. Mon Dieu! + +If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say +good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing +how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me +one disadvantage--the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh +dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom +surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince, +the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the +stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the débutante. You can't +stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out. + +I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring +persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way +would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry +with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not +snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a +gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You +see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking +into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out +in the morning. + +Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer of this card snores." Then +the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His +Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a +non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there +might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers. + +I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large +wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and +down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice +mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the +scale. + +As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the +train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an +optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours +before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure +enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to +your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing +yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts. +Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box, +and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon +they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be +supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of +inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This +would look very interesting. + +However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on +its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very +peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady +mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an +awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over +here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to +get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you +hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little +stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a +Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other +comforts. + +I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man +who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great +favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He +said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so +intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a +wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent. + +I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen +nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in +the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me +Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something +solid, something lasting about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite +of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is +notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that +if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like +Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers. + +Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he +lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of +little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal +arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous +"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself +the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful. + +All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little +weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the +Middle West as asleep to national duty. + +I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving +that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I +made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario. +Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following +words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry +Xmas to you." + +While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially its best hotel, I +cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept +by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around +Christmas. + +I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve +o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things +pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all +right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I +thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him. +I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the +train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the +station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going +off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that +should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs +of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it. +Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours +overdue. + +After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at +last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked +"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was +twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic +glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he +were not assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the +trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the +honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been +sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and +was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains, +feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All +the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite +lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed. + +After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past +being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I +sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they +opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on +each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap." + +"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that +I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how +they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked +astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I +belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They +introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many +questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge +person of kindly aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was +the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but +little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and +that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal, +and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect +remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He +laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to +prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a +person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from +getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him +and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is +difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to +yours." + +The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and +the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too +tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that +they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche. + +We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so +great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their +opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural +resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors. +This is an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak +too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with +the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in +Canada and Bermuda. + +After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to +take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go +to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I +hope that I shall meet the large football chap again. + +At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun +was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower +groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here. +This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air. + +I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called +Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large +country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a +wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the +distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and +lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven +roof. + +I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too +mighty for description, but they are not too lovely and not too +wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from +building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their +beauty. + +I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men +with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They +were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked +that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own +people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who +had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from +Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however, +that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently +decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but +might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English, +be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults +than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very +charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one +of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life. + +I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at +Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"--a very familiar spot. I had often +plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and had even cooked +moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert +Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only +murmur with the French shop keepers "_c'est la guerre_." These people +made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent--not +the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent. + +American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians +are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America +ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends +would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have +learnt not to mention the subject. + +They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One +very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you +like living with the Yankees?" + +I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the +person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show +of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I +desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American +friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the +Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time. +They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought +the feeling about America was very interesting. + +Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said +that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a +pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days +when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my +Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs. +Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend." + +I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King." +The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an +awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over +here except the sermons. + +I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a +buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the +King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a +youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my +clothing generally. + +This was too much for my temper, so I _strafed_ him until he must have +decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh" +to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be +court-martialled. + +The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at +Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat +at a large store. I am not a very small person, but evidently the +attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on +me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his +department, so I _strafed_ him, and left Canada by the very next train. +I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I +had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the +Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in +"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride +when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack +him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their +'Gard Darm'--but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to +visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire. + +Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very +firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has +changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my +Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang" +a bit. + +I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another +table--to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so +my friend--he was a great friend--said, "Please, Mac, come over, these +fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of +wisdom? Not a bit! It was my accent they wanted. But there was no +intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but +he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my +way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every +one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent." +Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities. + +It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in +Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they +can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem +divide themselves roughly into six groups--the Moravians (I place them +first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of +well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans, +largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners +who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works. + +But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to +me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the +same town with them helps one quite a lot. + +It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have +had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very +far wrong. + +Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of England. Obviously large +numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign. +Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being +interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the +opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality, +otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the +less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very +religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw +numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly +they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they +could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a +fashionable one. + +John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised +an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of +England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a +belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation, +it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated +by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour +by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin, +so they grew and multiplied. + +Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could +have continued to thrive if it had not been for a friend who appeared +upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count +Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small +settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf. + +If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem, +he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole +thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had +a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of +the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They +had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young +lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before +marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in +the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies +in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been +a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands +dead and lifeless with pointed fingers--you know the sort of thing--but +the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something +characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look +as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get +an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist. +I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers. + +Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much converted, and, possibly +knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle +here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know +much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot +in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the +Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped +them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any +rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of +the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery. +I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old +inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle +of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by +the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't +it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that +I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from +saying very much. + +Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the +trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to. +Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel +works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys +from regarding the thing as a terrific honour. + +A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother +dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple +tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All +announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone +choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very +much, but the thing in itself is very interesting. + +I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day +of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of +revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was +ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was +talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and +asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all +right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would +bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front--it was getting +a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old +year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of +music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We +All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in. +Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful +hymn. + +I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were +a handsome crowd of men and women, great friends of mine for the most +part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would +bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and +I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain +of war--the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery +party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will +get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They +will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard +every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless +defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up +for them. Still I wonder. + +But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk +who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything--sorrow +and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons +willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of +soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the +United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of +this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are +mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all +with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and +the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them, +I believe, and they live a great deal in the past. + +I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell +you about Brother L----. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of +the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black +pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my +mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord +in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not +sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in +that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had +a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I +first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U----'s son a +lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U----'s husband is not a Moravian, but the +wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal. +Brother L---- is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into +an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by +to do some skating, I saw brother L---- waiting for a trolley car. I +offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car +to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the +cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister +was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him +standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have +got frozen, for he had to wait ten minutes. Strangely enough he has +never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the +world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when +one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude +shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a +tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit. + +Now Brother L---- is an American and we who dare to criticise our +cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and +sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument +why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I +have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I +finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell +you all about the "Putz." + +One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and +we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock, +all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said: +"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like +a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all +descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was +enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I +was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink +offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass, +took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly +spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry +with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass +after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their +contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several +present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall, +good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards +me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of +sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say, +Cap., will you come and see my p--utz?" I was a little bewildered. He +repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter +bombardment and said: "Pre--cisely what is your p--utz." He looked +comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a +decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the +people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of +our Lord. It suggests a crêche in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But +yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in +Bethlehem. + +Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house +containing one is quite open to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to +be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas +time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the +Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small +boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred +manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after +building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars +dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above +amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was +a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged +to my friend of the club catacomb. + +With Mrs. U---- I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly +lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first +we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear +cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness +and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees +silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking +towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual +Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the +synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an +interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite +distinct. The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be +breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us +shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More +light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds. +At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the +Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee +synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased +shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but +soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the +manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone +upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the +darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a +multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God +in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.' + +"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into +heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto +Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made +known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and +the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known +abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all +they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the +shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her +heart." + +It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the +outcry of womenkind all over the world. + +I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of +all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most +possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and +consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave +many charming parties. I went to a _bal masqué_ after returning from +Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm +and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite +abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu +Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent. + + + + +VI + +GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF +BECOMING BURIED + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., February 28, 1917. + +So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has +decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all +agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that +we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His +Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high +state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men +and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have +become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In +other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like +His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of +God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we +examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed +with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we +are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try, +because William seems to us a poor sort of creature. + +I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary +to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is +always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there +are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of +America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The +Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of +this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very +wealthy merchant prince, with but one object--to get rich as quickly as +possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are +concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice +after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth. +They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very +wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and +wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see +very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant +little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children. +He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of +freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy +the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid +"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and +a man's duties. + +So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you, +Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John, +I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right +track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you +quite a lot." + +Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection +before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming +pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient +power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the +American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have +a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job, +too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a +democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea +of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with +England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily +scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed. +This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to +scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the +only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and +I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present +(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great +friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the +climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or +laugh? + +Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great +minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people +and settled many arguments. + +So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a +million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity +that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French +people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to +prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in +the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master. + +Thank heaven we can see him as he is really--just a mad chauffeur with +his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a +chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom. +The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is +a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the +bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will +be something left of the machine. + +I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It +was difficult to get lodgings, but I applied to J---- C---- for help +and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of +mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J---- C---- +for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland +for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's +wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who +made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now +I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make +a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare +time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I +please and I know that the two of them are very interested. + +One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a +guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered +what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was +still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them +fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just +loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all +soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for +magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them +and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns +she is as depressed as I am about it. + +A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland +terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's +little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her +to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy +and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for +a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that +my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I +fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she +hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She +ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her +milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all +shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but +after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on +the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right +round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar +close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack, +calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him +for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look +at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at +me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we +had named her, got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and +rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again. +I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with +six rabbits. + +Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me +about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said: +"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was +passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed +and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is +wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's +mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends +throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat +policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried +all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her +disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself. + +I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No +woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making +themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly +well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken +me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her +veins and she wants to do her bit. + + + + +VII + +SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., April 25, 1917. + +In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which +commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds +have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the +minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is +surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over +the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't +got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the +silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very +worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons. + +I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden +lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the +folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three +years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called +"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes +made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of +unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle Sam was just as guilty. He +himself believes that he was much more guilty because he _did_ have +nearly three years to think about the matter. + +He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not +trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the +Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic +effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right +from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course, +that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government +which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own +council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally; +I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will +learn to understand him. It is about time that we did. + +It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular +feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of +course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word +against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he +is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one +object--to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but +the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two +great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war +they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until +Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in +Sweden somewhere. + +All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It +is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us. +You will realize this when you discover that an American belies +absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to +boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use +and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe +that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when +he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn +quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at +the start. + +I hate to think of an anæmic German with spectacles turning his machine +gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they +expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to +inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one +sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally +being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to +acknowledge that they are no better. + +We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was rather an impossible +person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a +German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German +propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the +friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over +here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of +cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it? + +The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck +to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for +the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that +Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of +constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to +have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions +close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very +awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a +little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may +catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary +spirit is very "catching." + +Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a +wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British +genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very proper +gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little +apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French +general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we +sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He +will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you." + +Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our +very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of +old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is +good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician. +Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a +foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves. +He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They +are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here, +since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if +Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down +the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just +as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for +the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness. +I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents +the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course, +we cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but +I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our +cousins over here. + +Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed +to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held +by the best humourists who work for the _London Punch_. An _entente +cordiale_ with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would +be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about +this country. + +When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen +misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes--not an unusual +sight, especially in regard to the last named--they don't shrug their +shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They +merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough. + +American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class +distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest +difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ +died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been +affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at +the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of +gentleness. When a man has attained that state of mind which prevents +him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent +provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained +what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has +approached very closely to the Christian ideal. + +And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the +least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that +people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more +thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the +thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of +history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have +met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great +difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the _New York Journal_. + +We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has +a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of +it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us +throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little +puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much +humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the +matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few +difficulties in the way. + +Of course, to talk like this may seem a little strange when the British +flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes. +But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean +nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and +the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps +one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good +results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business, +but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would +realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a +good thing. + +If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three +years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in +each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if +we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to +criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an +intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great +help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical +operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with +its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited +to allow the formation of differing groups of people. + +In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four +Hundred, with a mansion on Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American. +Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot +of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander +whose ancestors braved the elements in the _Mayflower_. Mention it +casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse +Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one. +The _Mayflower_ business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people +arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His +followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small +families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the _Mayflower_. + +I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not +long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and +the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose +diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to +her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I +sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from +where her children's forebears came. + +Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their +ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk, +as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the +great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they +seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great +help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap. + +To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because +you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying +the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect +manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell +whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a +"provincial," poor chap! + +Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good +idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about +the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too +lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is +what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much. + +Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was +faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where +his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any +Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the +house in a hansom cab?" + +"Yes," he replied. + +"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye." + +"Are there any others?" he asked. + +"Yes, but they're all thieves." + +She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a +"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a +'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice +shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines +living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window. + + + + +VIII + +LACRYMATORY SHELLS + + + BETHLEHEM, July 23, 1917. + +A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I +know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather +depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of +marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no +means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him, +it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme +Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become +very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This +lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost +all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely +nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton. + +I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a +perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing +a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of +undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low +townee fellow said "rats" to one of her statements. She replied with +the sweetest smile in the world: "_That's_ an intelligent remark," while +a large football player took revenge on the chap. + +From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk +of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their +habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by +their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the +English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature +American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility +towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about +it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for +horses, but hell for women." + +Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small +and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then +about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily +furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they +liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I +said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of +the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the +number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really +brutal man was equally useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was +the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well. +"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband, +to light his study lamps for him--perhaps when he is tired after a day's +work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by +the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I +continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was +serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether +serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember +once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at +all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness +commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed +from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and +finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft +house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a +little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she +explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to +do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from +visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really +well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished +at the devotion shown by his wife. + +But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American +town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she +said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his +slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and +helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was +merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her +point of view. + +Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I +think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their +noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study +their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their +husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like +to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior +working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to +thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have +committed suicide or escaped or something. + +But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a +dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a _bon courage_ as a +French lady once said after I had spoken much French. + +Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were +all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only +overt act that would stir the American heart to its depths would be the +shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the +"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I +asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they +all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be +stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the +Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I +have since learnt what a "chicken" is. + +When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly +(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very +well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes +about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken." +She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is +something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes +that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that +necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about +is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her +very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness" +rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are +generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is +generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her +powers. There is a tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what, +that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with +her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a +wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think +she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine +her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own +hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher +up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather +admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At +first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but +as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any +other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing +or not. American men seem to find them very diverting. + +The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works +fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this +country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for +me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort +at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have +finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her +friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means +little harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never +let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but +always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and +shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great +friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very +much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge +nation by the few persons I have met. + +If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to +your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in +domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the +business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame +reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't +enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to +be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here +because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has +really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I +will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited +ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he +assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But +Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her +lover or her slave and she takes the necessary steps to keep him in his +proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the +pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does. +This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when +they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection. +Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and +spend most of their time at the club. + +More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction. +She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and +friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her +household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is +always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very +appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly +dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse +and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on +dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the +married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere +else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of +the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I +suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting +results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude +towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war +outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not +dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that +women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of +honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to +them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt +their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest +objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect +that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are +indeed veritable cowards by proxy. + +When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable +he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and +he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable, +even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he +gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly +married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious +or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been +put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No +women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me +tell you about its _habitués_. Of course, it is impossible to say what +sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its members +are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago. + +The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men +of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards +were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for +their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly +some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed +found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still +this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to +fight those Huns. + +Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of +belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor +to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is +impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They +say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say +brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and +more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but +they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was +sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were +endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a +cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man +next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes a ray of sunshine down +the cañon." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say +quick, rapid funny things. + +At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and +other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are +comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are +generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that +this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like +Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is +a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed +in towels, especially during these military days. + +But to return to the ladies--we had an interesting young person attached +to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her. +Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a +rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land" +to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert +Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears." + +One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton +the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our +billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read aloud the +following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the +London _Times_ which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady, +young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411, +London _Times_." After looking round at the three of us he remarked: +"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better +answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an +opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the +advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of +heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good +looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in _les affaires de +coeur_ was obviously the man. + +So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a +rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so +the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I +remember the letter ran as follows: + +"Dear Friend: + +"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns +endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give +you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our +position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally +calls 'Somewhere in France.' + +"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents +were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed +but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as +he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am, +but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such +disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I +don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by +Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as +'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was +the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anæmic meat +pie with two friends. + +"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my +brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely +written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent +to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large +box of green sweets called "Crême de Mint," but they were sent to +Wharton by his fiancée. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that +famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon +the portrait of her dead husband. + +"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes +became fixed upon the table cloth, for thereon I read your charming +notice. We always prefer the London _Times_ as a table cloth. The paper +is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the _Daily +Telegraph_, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of +many arguments. + +"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the +dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with +me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five +minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No +longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's +loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks, +sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All +would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it! + +"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your +charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write +regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant. + + "When the sun starts to sink from my sight, + When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves, + There's one thing that's to me a delight-- + The mail bag from Blighty. + +"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive +your photograph I may even write a sonnet. And now I will close my +letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence. + + "Yours very sincerely, + "Hector Clarke-Stuart." + +The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to +produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard +to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable +person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend +the Royal Academy. + +At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both +knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling +sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her +regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening. + +The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position +several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at +the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant +Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two +letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English +miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with +some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but +when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves +to themselves," thereby showing consideration for others but a mean +spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very +respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried +on. + +The other letter was delightful and ran as follows: + +"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart: + +"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my +little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am +now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks +which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but +one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but +indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of +myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am +but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to +tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure +that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built. + +"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers' +photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not +know them. + +"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas, +dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am +sure that things will change. + +"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the +great poet who contributes verse to the _London Daily Fog_ each +Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to +your sonnet. + + "Yours very sincerely, + "Rosalie De Silva." + +Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large +pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We +therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special +orderly. + +It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that +ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as +well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was +mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest +by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the +correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of +Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major. + +One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the +back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris +Hoey." + +"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened. +The maids are called "Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought +that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie +must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on +leave in a few days. + +He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was +inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous. +Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from +leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the +occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never +seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he +had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich +had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during +his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife +spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been +merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun. + + + + +IX + +SHELLS + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 5, 1917. + +When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the +object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious +that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is +distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods +so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less +intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form +themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is +inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated +with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and +have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if +their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they +are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and +viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These +gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially; +upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social +pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally +they are received in quite the best society. They consist often of an +extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people. + +An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in +others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after +getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself +to be a general in embryo. + +In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms +where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one +its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain +lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and +exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own +countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess +at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I +decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted +it. + +In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are +representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller +nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring +nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man +each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind +of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented +by one man, and Eddy Y---- looks after him. Great Britain's production +department and France's inspection department are looked after by +Captain L----. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans, +Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all +kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is +interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they +spake with tongues. + +In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials +of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very +big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very +important calls upon them. + +But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a +wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and +worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes +said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile +in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but +she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a +waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think, +about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to +state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth +Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so +good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She +wears a simple blue frock and a large white linen apron which ends at +her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should +train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons +of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably. + +As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go +to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel +men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents +possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden +is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has +to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading +the person occupying the lower to change places--the lower person +obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will +gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first +met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he +remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether +he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a +naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made +over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just +brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that +happens to be organizing. + +Then there is the head steel inspector. He dislikes English people, he +thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I +fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He +is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes +and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a +"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course +I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to. + +Then there is Eddy Y----. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty +and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He +loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a +novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner, +a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble +once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it. +He himself believed it. + +"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner? +Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this +morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day. +Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the +road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a +chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's +head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible." + +We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to +sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the +worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding +ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we +mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones +passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on +his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to +sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and +I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when +the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What +the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His +mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he +expected to see him running about again in about two days. + +Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always +refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be _some_ +place; and the women, _Ma foi!_ + +We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially +those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once, +especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day, +two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of +Russians seemed interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge +voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans +laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last +fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of +the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last +you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me +back at least six points." A good "come back!" _N'est ce pas?_ + +Then there is Harry M----, one of the finest men that I have met. He is +very clever and has one big thing in his life--devotion to his wonderful +country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We +are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always +end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than +most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then +he girds himself for the combat. + +Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there +were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a +Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane, +Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M----, are an Englishman; there ain't +no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel +told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how, +may I ask, do you regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick +Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just +an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all +laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if +you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as +much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the +world to say anything that will hurt him. + +I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M----. He told me once that +during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when +Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of +our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel +company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with +it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all +over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons +because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and +France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at +once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I +know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the +stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise +an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. _Yes, to +fight for England!_ + +I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they +would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there +is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have +known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in +spite of our failure to foster it. We established an _entente cordiale_ +with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because +many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the +French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with +America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home +country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the +rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans +have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst +the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people +don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over +a hundred years. + +But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike +us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in +England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high +hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old +fellow--America's only enemy. + +I share an office at the moment with a couple of American boys, both +married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is +necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I +felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the +office next to him. It is better so. + +The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and +looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the +United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings +and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the +father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and +he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's +contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books +and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the +story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some +other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop +or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every +cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I +hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen. + +The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage +to get along very well with them both. + +There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a galaxy of beauty. I +hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart +appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and +more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine +tool department at the Ministry in London. + +I met old Sir Francis N---- one day going up the stairs at the Hotel +Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that +really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink +when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic +neutrality. It is better thus. + +I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates +everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business +it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult +him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude +things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the +person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you +have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about +the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably +became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business +letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are +liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are +insulting a third person it is always good to put before your more +cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much +trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion +is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom +you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight +out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs +is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the +same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper +talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own +actions with a coldly discerning eye. + +It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant, +suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so +well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful. + +There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of +labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are +useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a +fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one +flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but +this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually +splendid. + +Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not your +intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed +goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon +the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles +make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this +and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these +spectacles. + +Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh +University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I +shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until +nine A.M. How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived +one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at +the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I +looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and +haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I +thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on +Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we +spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely +diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair. + +The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly +has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man +who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to +work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I +have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny +from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from +his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that +his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely +admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters. + +As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero +worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their +friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest +amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is +generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and +invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and, +what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse +breed. + +Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible +for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I +have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a +fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we +had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and +especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were +always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by +comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and +exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only +difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people +have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been +more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study +the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England, +he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier. + +I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother +in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed +with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under +the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after +leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and +sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of +wealth wondering if it has really been worth while. + +"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We +work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea +how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little +American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent +thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in +the city he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark +is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its +possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of +anywhere else. + +Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge; +but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of +truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I +have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is +obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are +sometimes hard things to learn. + + + + +X + +SUBMARINES + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 30, 1917. + +The other day Dicky C---- and I went to Atlantic City for the week end. +So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt +my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left +this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The +chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this +worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the +number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The +caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our +destination at about ten o'clock at night. + +Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get +either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were +turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or +our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls +trying to get some hotel to take us in. + +We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were +full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a +British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This +worked like magic. + +We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the +building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow +guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in +case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having +wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of +these. + +Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter +was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes. +About these clothes--I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost +know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the +material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands, +and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was +turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine. +Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do, +we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to +starve rather than to give him a cent. + +We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a +poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into +a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of +grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt +more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on +the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all +the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very +lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a +nickel. + +Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in +bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep. + +I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head +threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted +that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight +stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a +staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study +in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they +were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his +light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and +dressed. + +After breakfast, and as it was a table d'hôte we were not at all sparing +in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony +overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I +made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I +had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of +Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour. + +We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and +donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very +thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a +continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of +them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful. +There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with +clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There +were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's +bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on +earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look +awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged +round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings +seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no +intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and +their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful +to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very +strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady +assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a +girl's swimming skirt! + +I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's +dress often seems designed to spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches +are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short, +displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are +low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he +places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of +his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic +City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly +physical beauty in this country is a very high one. + +The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for +Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were +lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is +obviously better that it should be as it is. + +Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were +thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their +existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large +stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one +walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer +part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We +came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were +coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly +diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned +out. These American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would +see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful +swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed +so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with +their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for +observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the +beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a +country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This +fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a +crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism +is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open +air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing. + +I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is +delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange +procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made +of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable +foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent +architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I +suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should +come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and, +upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be +with a crowd of cheerful people. + +I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer +season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't +think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we +were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go +up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August. + +Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles +along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from +their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has +a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey +is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea. +The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the +inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea. +Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are +many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three +bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the +circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very +large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer. + +Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for +our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would +return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur, +and asked him for his expense account. Having paid it--it was one +dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three +shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little +money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a +mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little +nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the +chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole +thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return. + +It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me--the +people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the +hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they +have got to live, "_mais je n'en vois pas la necessité_," as some +philosopher remarked. + +When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady +quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain +that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went +over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all +my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered. +She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie" +tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We +arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight. + + + + +XI + +AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT + + +There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing--"Rule for +the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great +American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous +speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing +called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual +battle for the United States, and won. + +Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham +Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur, +King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely +enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but +Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt +about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the +Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from +England. I wish they hadn't. + +Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He +and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies +outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the people by +the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about +"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of +yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies +without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks +within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes +seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors. + +Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I +can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay +because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its +wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to +all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any +foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who +make politics their business. + +I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the +faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many +other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder, +really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very +long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the +year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all +his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament. +Even football has developed into a form of trench warfare, sometimes +not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object--to +get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business +schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking +gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must +have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never +seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming +over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it. + +Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that +the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a +"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed +about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people +subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided +into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The +tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money. +It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One +heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into +song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If +a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm. + +So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense +existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this +enthusiastic existence has formed a national trait. A man must get +there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does +not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often +dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as +long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five +minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city +killing a few people _en route_ because they have not time or +inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly +level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty +locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really. +Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have +often waited from an hour to several hours for a train. + +So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this--not +wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national +enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and +politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are +obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a +critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault +of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have +responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they +are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong. + +One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It +ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions +the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a +politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the +American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the _New York +Times_, the _New York Sun_, and the _Public Ledger_ every day and they +are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers +and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful +American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they +know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell +their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned +often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular. + +At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but +during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always +seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of +the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to +last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display +disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely +described as "newspaper talk." + +And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion +is breathed against an English policeman by a good newspaper, the thing +is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the +policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look +after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand +the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of +rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and +carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular +campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world +to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of +enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the +prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever +they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes +brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English +newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head +police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of +the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man, +but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in +us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then +the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers. +Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few +weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of +parliament, tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but +surely it is foolish to criticise the cop. + +I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't +know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories. + +If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national +trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a +matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are +awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence +they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly +unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the +telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because +of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid +its wires carelessly and untidily. + +An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his +congressman--he never reads what the said gentleman says before the +House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a +citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of +ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a +particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!" + +It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and +his family well. The next man finds it wanting, so he patches it. A +concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the +elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as +flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first +fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there." + +These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the +Middle West. + +And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big +background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and +his natural efficiency allied to good health. + +Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That +may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first +generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this +country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can +see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an +inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the +effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants, +the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The +police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will +not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless +he deserves them. + +The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for +reflection will mould the national character. Things will then change +for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites, +that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins. + +Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it +profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million +dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able +to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life +bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large +estate until he has reached a great age. + +Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "_Et tu +Brute_; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal +worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by +our cops. Go thou and do likewise." + + + + +XII + +SIX DAYS' LEAVE + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., September 30, 1917. + +I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the +beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and +see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was +feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would +allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I +decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at +Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at +Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the +entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white, +possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts +as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat, +and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and +family. + +I left Bethlehem at 3 P.M., arrived at Philadelphia somewhere +around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the +evening before catching the midnight train for Washington. + +While the kit of a mounted officer in the British army has certain +attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field +boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot +and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven +o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a +necessity, so I descended to the café and suggested to the waiter that +he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought +that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint +julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American +people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word +"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at +Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large +column in the café. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He +did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was +all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green +mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more +thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry. + +I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps, +but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My +first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt +myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and +masses of mint growing on the banks. I felt that delightful sensation +that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one +is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the +dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of +a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles +and dentists returns to one's consciousness. + +This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see +the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small +voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what +must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very +familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to +English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness +returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the +distance said: "Waiter, your d---- mint julep has gone to my head and I +must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice +expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank +water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the +wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite +of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I +should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A +faint knowledge of Christian Science picked up from my chief in New +York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel +and along the road and caught my train. + +I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps. +I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was +extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several +hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely +potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is +comparatively harmless and that it is _not_ a soft drink. Frankly I will +never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many +possibilities lurking in its icy depths. + +I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a +wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to +show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal. + +I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to +accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most +of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed +in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store--good material, but +badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the +effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of +them. + +Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in +perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some +advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they +had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an +entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic. + +We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that +town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of +conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know +the sort--everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at +once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of, +"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been +over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit +quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all +on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter. +We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses +soon. Gee! but we'll all have _some_ parties in London some day. We've +got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our +lives." + +Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers +always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush +about any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform. +They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked +tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought +to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform +that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the +days of the great peace. + +It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in +England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also +caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred +faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks. + +However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being +saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to +the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the +latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called +the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not +adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've +often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks +smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow. + +These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole +thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we +were all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still +enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is +slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for +we know what we are up against. + +Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked +out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty." +After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to +grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then +time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital. + +A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while, +merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful +about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it +seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military +life on the many men walking about the streets. + +One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior +officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a +good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young +junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that +the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone +else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the +actual difficult, dangerous work, the leading of a charge, for +instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than +the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment +possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most +impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to +compare British experience in this respect with American. + +In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can +afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both +is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He +is like a second year man at a university--just a little difficult to +manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their +platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course, +when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it +is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal +intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling +of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty, +rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting +link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link +becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who +makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very +proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break +occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than love, and in +my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the +affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy +for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a +"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar +feller." + +After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a +slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis. + +At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling +the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I +hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received +cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R---- and +M----. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R---- is +what we would call in England a typical American girl--original, bright, +happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M---- represents an +international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl +that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all +abawt yer and yet likes yer." + +The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm +and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep +them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very +glad to see him. His father, a naval officer of rank, had lived at +Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation +for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with +mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained +sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons. + +He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person +being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large +steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a +laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town. +Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales +department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was +complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty, +droll things in one week than most people say in five years. + +As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words +an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to +Annapolis for a short course of intensive training. + +We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis. +Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and +has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses +in England. It seemed sound asleep. + +We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good +looking, playing in a piece called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no +serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois +looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing +scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very +well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not +meant for sleeping in. + +After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great +success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people +came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my +host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me +that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible +for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please +her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china, +prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All +the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was +quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner. + +However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but +unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the +grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince +in a fashionable mausoleum. + +The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a +charming country house on the Severn. There were about twenty of us and +we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or +regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is +impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other +members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president. + +We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating, +dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had +engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about +everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim +to music before. + +The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia +boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the +praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there +is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet +heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I +cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds +its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland. + +The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the +whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy, +with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and +finally the main group of buildings, the effect is just wonderful. You +should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally +covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice +seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps +crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little +round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by +the ordinary seaman. + +Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the +ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches. +They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of +laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M----, R----, and +I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we +have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we +can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J----, sometimes +we catch a glimpse of B----; often J---- is at the helm, so we all wave, +but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we +return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab +catching is rather fun, but R---- is very bad at it for as soon as a +crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets +very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go. + +One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am +perfectly certain that we stayed too long, but we hated leaving, +because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was +their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I +believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit." + +At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated, +and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short +speech, every sentence of which was of value--short, brisk, bright, +inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and +presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went +up and returned with their certificates. K---- got a particularly +enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before +the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine +destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get +him. + +After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of +the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later, +at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to +be her guests in New York. + +The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the +hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We +went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic. + +The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the +show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly +devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass +gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a +little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or +merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain +men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies +from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the +people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up +this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while +hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to +others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at +the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very +puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really +are. + +The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots +marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage +to imitate a rather more clever person than himself--Billy Sunday. Of +course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the +right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a +little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show +that he is sincere and just as capable of making men better as of being +able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "_Voilá!_" + +A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are +married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby. +I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all +red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not +prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully +for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big +smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right. + +And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns +and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to +Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the +Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the +sailors of Uncle Sam. + + + + +XIII + +GUNS AND CARRIAGES + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. + +I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called +"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about +guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things +that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the +comparative rest of the battlefield. + +Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had +to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation +of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a +gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for +the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who +desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call +the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun." +But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of +steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a +layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the +piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors +be very careful about this. They are generally awfully good at +mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They +can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something +to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful +thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go." + +Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing, +and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying: +"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will +burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No +sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of +that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that +on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five +pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater +arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been +present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that +both sides were right--so what can you do? + +Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes--the thorough +mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of +the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires +to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments, +unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop +foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in +the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress +the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job +have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and +interesting people. + +Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in +England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I +come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at +lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were +anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors. + +In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition. +The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order +for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal. +Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector +must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer, +possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that +things would run smoothly. + +In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest +possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer +gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that +all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the +same sort of work and really good workmen become scarce. Then again the +inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes +years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their +very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a +little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through +inexperienced eyes. + +A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving +himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun. +Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he +cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war +is a mild performance. + +An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given +munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and +the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not +deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must +be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of +course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be +easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer +will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the +manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the +manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector +will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers are comparatively +intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed, +would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged. +Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would +sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly +sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and +had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is +difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop +"frightfulness." + +But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its +opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it +reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when +it is issued to the battery. + +The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel +ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of +sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will +not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the +intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the +inspector merely gives this a little attention. + +The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech +rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two +parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The +inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated." +It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a +portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and +here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine +displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has +got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch; +this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break, +this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a +feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for +he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it +through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in +America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge +of production has a rotten time of it. + +However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine +shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much +about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer +has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch +closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes +the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the whole thing if +it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments +and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who +will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to +let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They +ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they +are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous +and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all +very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but +it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and +carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part +contains the possibility of an argument. + +Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of +manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones +in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly +Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any +"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be +displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem +Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe +me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of +an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the +Terriers minus a sense of humour, from taking the futile attitude of +superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of +the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty." + +Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as +effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who +was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles +from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this +time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor. +He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making +a single enemy." He had personality--that colonel. + +An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job +thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the +average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I +said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace. +Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these +days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most +dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and +pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his +sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is +serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man +causes delays and trouble. + +Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no +sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very +difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and +thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his +autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks +"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the +value of personality in every branch of life. + +An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never +exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of +work--work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and +fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe +when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America +it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American +manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a +good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in +dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them, +if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the +Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference--"Pray, gentlemen, +consider that perhaps you may be wrong." + +In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got +to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut +sometimes and they often get away with it. Of course, they do not +always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The +mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd. + +It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short +cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all +about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters. + +But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that +happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training +in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job +of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done +quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school +I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the +dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in +the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches +or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt +to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am +ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from +another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the +battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was +told that they had been pinched "by that there lootenant who takes the +sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course, +it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and +although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about +twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he +gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing +himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My +N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it. + +One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be +a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It +was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted +it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read +orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger. + +At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to +prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the +school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only +armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took +up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders +that day. + +At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I +saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations +being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a strategic +retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to +me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the +riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I +ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the +riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked +bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced +me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and +then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it +isn't soldiering." + +It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my +hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and +looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had +arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning. +The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the +formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else. +The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was +nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and +they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I +had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be +trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked +very bad. + +At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My +own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house +to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are +sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried +until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment +after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins, +you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of +my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion. + +Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a +time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during +the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in +orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, _i.e._, that if you want a +thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are +willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of +the risk. + +In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a +little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest +person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most +people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne, +though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only +officer of rank who had seen service. + +One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred +men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men +did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These +emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that +are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats +you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section +of the bellows of a concertina. + +Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a +requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two, +because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many +weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is +trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the +stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible. +However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles +distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the +department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the +head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never +occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the +sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the +officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I +took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for +life. + +The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I +talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly +happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps; +how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the +ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and +slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go +out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met +an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my +brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and +gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely +the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S." +or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit, +and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will +you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from +which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and +quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip +of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly. +The men were fools--they took the matter as a joke and commenced +exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning +which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the +very act, appreciated the situation and roared with laughter. After +that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new +emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they +took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When +this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything +else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again +in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud +soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man +wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we +were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field." + +The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should +have been the person to get _strafed_, and not he. + +There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and +carriages. + +I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing +so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had +no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the +start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the +table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business +and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being +cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest +gentlemen. In any case, I decided that if they were cunning the heights +of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience. +I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I +just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We +must have it. We've got to _strafe_ the Germans somehow and it is up to +you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At +any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got. + +I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten +off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the +difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little +common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great +deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee +manufacturers." + +Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street +boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is +how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have +been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an +inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a +little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with +theirs. + +The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he +dislikes killing people by machinery; hence the machinery of war has +never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is +impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes +fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but +optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some +bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's +awful. + + + + +XIV + +A PREMATURE + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., November, 1917. + +I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have +met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!! + +I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a +spade--and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you +knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that +no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and +those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances +and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy +says. + +But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to +understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they +behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect +disapproval. + +So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily +educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave +themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the +use of an elegant accent called here with a little amusement "English." +It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is +merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks +himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way +superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course, +but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at +once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder. + +In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other +countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you +regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If, +unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also +that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great, +climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then +drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and +your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment. + +No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably +accounts for the fact that Britishers _do_ suffer and are embarrassed +when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is +quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a +snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would +suspect it. + +I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking +about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American +to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who +delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety. +I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who +thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been +extinguished for centuries--and all that sort of thing. In fact, +anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at +once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons +on the continent in the days of peace. + +And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them +down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful. +I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's +College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of +breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They +were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent +disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for +a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been +such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and +unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish +that we could change, because the effect over here is most regrettable. +One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not +really an unpleasant people. + +Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here" +and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not +deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game. +All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman +comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior +attitude, although unconsciously. + +The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to +fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the +great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way. +_People don't know this._ + +In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the +Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience +has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through +years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom +they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find +him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us, +but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of +people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An +Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful opportunities for expansion, +and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with +that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An +Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The +Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for +his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of +Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs +from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer. +The thing seems a little bit involved. + +During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of +Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the +whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives, +having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk +here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and +entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head +becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of +huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast +respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses. + +The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one +of two things--either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality, +but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, mark you, +very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans. + +Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is +receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to +entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he +himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and +a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his +mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He +perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war, +though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter. + +Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American +society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment +drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you. +You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a +representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a +gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American +people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know +several British people in America who are not known in polite society, +and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend +diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the +whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the +only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without +a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to +the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible +and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like +children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes +them furious, generally the former. + +When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of +either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we +can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We +even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people +may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form +of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even +affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed +in other parts of America, it is _de rigeur_ to say that you are pleased +to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In +England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of +having some ulterior motive. It is not done. + +I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour +mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said +when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He +explained that it was the custom of the country and had to be followed. +It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with +the folk here. + +Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people. +Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's +reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a +party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the +wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings. +Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a +certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and +expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together +in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans. +One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so +to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very +interesting tales. + +Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities +amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American +people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we +shall bother to like them? + + + + +XV + +"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME" + + +I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my +friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England. +The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort +of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful +organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an +emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point +is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have +a king and that is all there is about it. + +When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of +this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences +in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and +Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give +up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden +crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the +rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of +government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less +ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy to understand this. +A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense. + +It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this +country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in +St. Paul's, London, on America's Day. + +They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of +kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England +kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of +Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying +that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the +flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution +to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the +writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when +he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think +that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great +Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the +monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of +the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will +understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a +lot. + +I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us +the most effective form of government. A nation is, I suppose, a group +of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make +self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity +and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population, +this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the +needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten, +or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a +difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain +succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the +dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was +astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from +every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the +empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are +greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of +the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British +Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons +have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must +be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just +in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things +at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day +are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We +don't force this loyalty; it just grows. + +So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king +from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such +results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast, +and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to +Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the +national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools, +and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any +part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something +unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little +man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I +wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too, +where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the +greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the +King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we +British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds +together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way +stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child +remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we +believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our +children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies +and even kings and princesses once more people our minds. + +Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in +fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching +visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation +to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its +attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like +children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The +monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us. + +There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy. +We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly +decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in +England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition +party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and +he has _the_ right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in +accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the +royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press, +wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition +ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place. +So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a +new law gentler and sweeter. + +Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous +power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King +Edward, some know the influence of our present monarch. All through +this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and +suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our +insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone +somehow. + +The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is +true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has +been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded, +helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of +individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer +for the rest of his life. + +And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we +do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our +foolishness. + +A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and +finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the +palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father, +an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave +him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking +hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the +distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said +very quietly: "I say, Mr. K----, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been +interested in this boy of _ours_ and remember him well." Then the old +man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away +comforted greatly and very proud of his son. + +This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies +our need. + +You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a +king. + +If American people want to understand us they must take this into +account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king +it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this +country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from +a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had +wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the +whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from +an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the +world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that +the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season. +Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still +exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have +become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us +suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed +in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the +king on Salisbury Plain the day before embarkation, and as we marched +past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with +that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through +many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it +helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king +was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we +gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men +of that division are together to-day. + +The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly +over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and +beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to +face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and +awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little +ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming +out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother, +father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day, +and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a +president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among +us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form +of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would +never do for us. + + + + +XVI + +A NAVAL VICTORY + + + October, 1917. + +I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at +once called up M----, who said that as she was a member of the Motor +Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that +Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said +that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to +occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she +had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward +unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary, +nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany +her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly +turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me +to the demonstration. + +The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as +officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several +hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments, +and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of +Sousa. + +Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great +conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little, +mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of +course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the +performers. + +He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked +on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The +gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt +rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into +"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous; +however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke +a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather +too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt +militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of +oratorical power. + +We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering +remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W---- stepped +forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and +to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned +out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the +gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a +man dressed as a British officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He +was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an +engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening +dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry +in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started. + +He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in +America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own +men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though +the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have +always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to +shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers +that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed +too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German +propaganda. + +However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal +with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he +had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian +officer, I want to tell you that it is a _Damned Lie_." He brought the +thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the +Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure. + +A little blood commenced to flow about the stage at this time and he +was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps +he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know +that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal +columns. + +He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not +in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli +business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled +by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the +wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that +he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and +were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us +there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we +were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly +dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of +the British Empire. + +So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he +waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just +a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly +the while and getting a little like a parson. + +He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I +have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney +paper gave a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor +being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the +chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In +like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous +insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I +wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am +certain did a great deal of good. + +I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express +a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He +mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were +eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche, +and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting +"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the +hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing +in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and +succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family +enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the +blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite +right, but the thing interested me and I wondered. + +Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't +it true that Germany has been guilty of such filthiness that she is +slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have +always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't +it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking +of the _Lusitania_ and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in +Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be +cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who +loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the +Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred? + +I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps +them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of +Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion +of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,--all that sort of thing. She is +bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the +Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten, +licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be. + +As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and +I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed, +except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed" +cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who +have told me have spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't +seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next +to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I +have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I +have heard Fritz admired. + +I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major, +while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get +atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out +with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely +observed that it was very natural. + +Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a +procession of wounded--but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant +with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories +on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face, +and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice +chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been +getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the +German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke +in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross +people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"--as a German +prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I +returned without the helmet and told the story to the major, and he +said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins." + +Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can +hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the +Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been +taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I +knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard +fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either, +and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the +Boche were _always_ dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they +show up badly as sportsmen. + +Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into +the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of +beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace +to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the +newspapers say. + +But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being +affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some +philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how +to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be +stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so +you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A +famous member of my clan, David Livingstone, went about amongst the +most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because +of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like +the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not +let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans +how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not +true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense +of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid, +vulgar thing called hate. + +The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry +officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts +of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little +humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them +some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly, +and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience. + +The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me +seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill, +that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the +top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in +the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the +back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised +as a gunner officer behind the lines, that he had remained with six +wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been +wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines +at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two +German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second +battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in +the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures----! + +And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big +men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return +they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell +them--nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes, +wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if +they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very +easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable +billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes +face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my +service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry +officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that. + +Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a +horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He +was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into the mess at times. +Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several +of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in +capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor +with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench +surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed +tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each +end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had +little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own +trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were +bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was +a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to +the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but +the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He +gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun, +so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement. + +These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and +no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for +killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too +brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the +battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being +attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red +Cross chap to let him die for his country. + +I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what +impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a +pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope +that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that +sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not +sure that it is advisable for us to do it. + +The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at +Chestnut Hill. M----'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at +once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to +the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A---- +liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of +Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was +enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took +him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled, +and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by +the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they +commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew. + +I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think +that it could not be helped and that perhaps the men made better +fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France +and "Flounders" I may feel the same. + +At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time. +They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they +know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are +appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our +men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number +of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with +"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man +has when you are not employing him! + +Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys +stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure, +one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!" + +I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I +always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the +world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are +ashamed of it. + +If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away +with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves, +too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred. + + + + +XVII + +POISONOUS GAS + + + November, 1917 + +I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is +not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and +the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is +all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting +hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally +speak at club luncheons and dinners. + +One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood +club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful +evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My +turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine +talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and +I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up +and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness +and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny +stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so +much that I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I +did say. + +A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the +club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship +and affection. + +I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When +the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which +had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America +realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to +England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons +to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American +man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At +the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism +always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the +Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and +some shipwrecks. + +Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club +over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading +business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and +endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks +for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock +goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an address. I rather love the +Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members +behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many +cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought, +even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to +swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen +business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the +business world. + +Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I +even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia +lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people +present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a +graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines. +At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering +described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the +sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all +descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the +Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in +a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days +seemed to be in the air. + +Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It +happened at the Eagle Hotel. One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel +Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at +the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B----, I'll be delighted, +though I am no orator." + +So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr. +B----'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the +people in this burgh have not _quite_ realised the situation. Many are +of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond +of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to +get money for the Red Cross." + +"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B----?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac; +give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that." + +After lunch, Mr. B----, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up. +(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age. +He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face, +hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small +boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the +circus.) + +He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies, +men who have heard the whi----stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen +the burs----ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes +will address you." + +The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind +a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the +Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one +of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound +and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of +relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz +bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on +to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful. + +Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They +are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're +up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the +rope and burn your poor hands. + +I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience +about the Red Cross _à la guerre_. Whenever I tried to thrill them they +all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the +trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success. +I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the +war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all +collapsed and I sat down. + +Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands. + +It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to +introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the +chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A +fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home +town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a +small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first +versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out +and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This +was a great help. + +About this eulogizing--my Highland blood helps me to understand; my +English education tells me that it is--well, displaying all your goods +in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says +"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these +eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are +generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things. + +I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food, +chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's +to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and +harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a +lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell on my +chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her, +but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid. + +I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I +were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine +audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth +towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my +year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the +mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got +to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee +heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July, +1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was +paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem. + +Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss +the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They +discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would +be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job. +The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited +upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors, +colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I +said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown +to my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of +Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large +number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had +an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I +was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice +thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet. + +Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I +should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult +for me. + +The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many +fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding +and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas +mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that +should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself +standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people. + +The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and +I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng +of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play +various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into +"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The +people then solemnly repeated the oath of allegiance to the Republic, +while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all +very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a +Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time +as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief +Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his +inspiring address was heard by only a very few. + +Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a +little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building +beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by +the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of +happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I +don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor +British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building +behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke +every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down, +there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I +had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels, +and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass +and tinkling cymbals--Love. I had a very great love for my friends of +Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate between Anglo-Saxons +and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great +patience. + +After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer, +hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans +of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to +France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad, +it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland, +and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you." +One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you +had any power in England." + +Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking. +Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of +the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches +and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for +the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of +talking. + + + + +XVIII + +THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA + + + December, 1917. + +I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and +have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a +profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred +miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases +out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help +the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going, +at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown, +Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown, +Huntingdon, and Harrisburg. + +At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of +Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania +Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the +Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my +audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people +have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation. +They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism +which is more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display. + +At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming +place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a +little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets, +heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their +journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people, +who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country +in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I +hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who +discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling +in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing +the Boche even unto the last man. + +At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre, +and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone +wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to +gather the attitude of the people. + +We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long +journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for +it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I +enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train, +especially in Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always +find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way. + +I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday +afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the +fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room +was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat. + +A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a +"drummer"--a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its +consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do. +I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the +keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American +character. + +And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling +for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,--I'm not sure +that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for +his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt +a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had +bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind. + +These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off +their job. Their numbers are great and their customers are always on +the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about +their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal +with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to +make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,--both are +effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for +must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing +their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant +whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men. +He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way. + +The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant +looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I +don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?" + +The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell _you_ anything." + +"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant. + +"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed +son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs +of atrocities." + +The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "_Come in!_" So the +drummer entered with certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his +desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer, +fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar, +walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over +the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It +was not difficult after that. + +Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather +small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour +in a local club. + +At three-thirty A.M. we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest +of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At +Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The +Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience +and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that +men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell +them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all +that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is +not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which +appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before +him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the +greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of poisonous gas by +the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so +unsporting as to resort to such methods. + +Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely +take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing +German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round +of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell, +the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the +world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically +Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months +to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the +British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to +her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam +to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76." + +Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a +fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will +be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is +cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course +there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the +rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks--to endeavor to +foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America. +My objects cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the +newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I +myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much +better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the +world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes +and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he +replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen." + +And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be +forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform +looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope +to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I +told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were +all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even +in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a +little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until +they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American. +They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an +hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated +leaving Washington. + +Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of +the man who was drowned there and who bored all the saints in Paradise +with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy, +although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a +corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him +that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of +his own. + +It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in +the "movie" theatre was small. + +We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic +and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap +would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and +I'm with you." + +Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we +returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I +loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me +by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings. + +I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey +ended. + +I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be +the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes +to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a +solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote. + +Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number +of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous +looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only +because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually +cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students. +Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The +circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and +was showing promise of a useful life. + +I can see it all now; his great friend--for men become great friends in +a college--working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after +he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel +bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend +solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all +very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which +made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that +night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of +us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take +up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight. + +The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of +us who had been swimming received anonymous P. C's. from religious +persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT +YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers +upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we +recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have +since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life +could have been. + +When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England +persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as +they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to +punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be +sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill +them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we +should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the +yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as +children when they played around her and confided their every trouble, +the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing, +friendship--all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to +church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is +Love"--and sometimes even in the day nursery. + +I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot from a whizz-bang. +The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to +think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official +notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men +newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You +can't. + +Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote--trying +to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found +it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and +one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the +fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one +another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course, +follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient +exhausted will have a long convalescence and then--God! what will the +next war be like? + +History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out +at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find +some serum that will inoculate us against it. + +Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the +face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with +their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the +pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks, +so great is its devotion. We can see it when by accident we tread upon +the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of +groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes, +begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly. +We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the +face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the +prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the +world, for it is love. + +The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once +the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church +with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she +stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday, +but during the week--Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it +that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch +these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog. +See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets +his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real +thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a +wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his +gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead +driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, at once +showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But +in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not +taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are +to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the +world. It is truly our only chance. + +Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been +applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares, +the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all +irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is +hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or +regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to. + +Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I +suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and +Flanders--a strange place to learn a strange lesson. + +Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with +many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits +back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable." + +And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown +out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just +imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful +consideration deciding to apply the antidote I have suggested. In three +days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done. +Perhaps it could be applied in America. + +"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather +wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after +finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia, +according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our +struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just +imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down +Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an +awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course +we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge +battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take +our just deserts, and we will get them. + + + PHILADELPHIA, January, 1918. + +I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving +talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our +first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go +from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses +in the Court Houses. + +We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 A.M. in the Lehigh +Valley Railroad's charming train called the "Black Diamond." Our party +consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a +British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's +job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough +everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told _not_ to do any talking. I +should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he +had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his +own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility. + +We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and +dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed +to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the +beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a +fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who +advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a +large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two +and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to +sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator, +having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens, +addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for +none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his +jokes missed fire. At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to +possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the +folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than +their brethren in the cities. + +I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay +in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to +introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs. + +After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of +young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to +whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They +succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy +any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred +curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at +night and cannot go to sleep. + +The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we +addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground +was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting +from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the +congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more +control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were +sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said, +"Yes, quite so--the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up +there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of +course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience. +The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a +firm desire to get along with the job. + +That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly +large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that +I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This +may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a +good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us +greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club. + +The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every +town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the +spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a +rush. I had friends in Scranton,--a boy and a girl married to one +another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon +my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards +which a great stream of people was advancing. + +I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely +seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some +members of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to +the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I +wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them +that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the +veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly +to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The +mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have +faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with +public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain +preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in +their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have +got hardened to it. + +At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six +hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded +the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when +he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone. + +Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of +the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the +soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and +slowly. The effect was fine. + +After some remarks on the part of the chairman, in which he said that +the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke. +He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before. +It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a +British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in +regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an +hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four +thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly +Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very +easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and +they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour, +and I have lived with the British Tommy. + +The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful +audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen +and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their +town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in +for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a +citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is +about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this +war is over, I am quite sure. + +That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. Apparently the +audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a +reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk +of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice +folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of +course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I +daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the +war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity +to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly +interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what +they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two +meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled +with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing +through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled +with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing +through." It is a pity that they could not have met. + +We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm +which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and +Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man +who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and +Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget. + +People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to +the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk +there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective +sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up. + +After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and +addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York, +Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would +be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm. + +York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent +hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little +way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during +the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water +therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice. +The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief +residential street,--an avenue called after one of the kings of England. + +The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It +was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have +dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five +minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the +battlefield, but there were several feet of snow, so it was difficult. +However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves +occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The +weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including +some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic. + +The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and +he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it +"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French. + +Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined +us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first +days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with +us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling +community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much +enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who +desired to enter. + +The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an +English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built +before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the +senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the +American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many +stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of +buildings. + +We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our +entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves +were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour +of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort +seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind. + +The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all +the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the +inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and +pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about +its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to +Middleburg. + +The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my +last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are +very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to +Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the +ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held +at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant +seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the +hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their +interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To +me there seemed in this charming little community the spirit of the men +of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the +British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were +fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true, +nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed +me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British +people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in +view--the downfall of futile autocracy. + +The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in +the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little +towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride +creeps over him when he makes the discovery. + +How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were +in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when +they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length +and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might +do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital. +Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and +little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators +address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know +about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right +pitch and the Government will then have a certain quantity to base +their plans upon. + +At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism +that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all +mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great +big composite mistake of unpreparedness. + +I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to +town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to +win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but +that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this +is going to be a wonderful help to us. + +I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during +the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks +in the distance shine with a very rosy light." + +And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman +if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle +Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will +not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and +the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there, +smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him +too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face +when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!" + + + + + +-----------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's Note: | + | | + | Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the | + | original document have been preserved. | + | | + | Typographical errors corrected in the text: | + | | + | Page 9 Day's changed to Days' | + | Page 16 traveling changed to travelling | + | Page 85 damndest changed to damnedest | + | Page 115 Chilians changed to Chileans | + | Page 116 Chilian changed to Chilean | + | Page 118 fall changed to fail | + | Page 119 Chilian changed to Chilean | + | Page 128 possesser changed to possessor | + | Page 197 woud changed to would | + | Page 201 German's changed to Germans | + | Page 214 eulogise changed to eulogize | + | Page 215 eulogising changed to eulogizing | + | Page 231 stronge changed to strange | + | Page 242 traveler changed to traveller | + +-----------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + +***** This file should be named 35104-8.txt or 35104-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/1/0/35104/ + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Over Here + Impressions of America by a British officer + +Author: Hector MacQuarrie + +Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h1>OVER HERE</h1> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3>THE STORY OF "OVER THERE"<br /> +EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT</h3> +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<br /> + +<h2>HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT</h2> +<br /> +<h4><span class="smcap">By Hector MacQuarrie, B.A.</span>, Cantab.<br /> +Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery<br /> +Illustrated, $1.35 net<br /> +"A Masterpiece"—<span class="smcap">New York Sun</span></h4> + +<br /> + +<p><i>Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms</i></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in +store for him at the front. This book will give you the +facts,—read it and counsel your boy for his physical and +spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his +attention to the chapters that you think will be of the +greatest value to him.</p></div> + +<p><i>If You Are an American</i></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living +and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It +will help you understand what difficulties face our army, +both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read +the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy +and greater understanding.</p></div> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<div class="img"> +<a href="images/frontis.jpg"> +<img border="0" src="images/frontis.jpg" width="55%" alt="Author Hector MacQuarrie" /></a><br /> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h1> OVER HERE</h1> + +<h3> IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA<br /> + BY A BRITISH OFFICER</h3> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h2> <span class="smcap">HECTOR MacQUARRIE, B.A.</span>, Cantab.</h2> + +<h4> SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY<br /> + +AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT"</h4> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<div class="img"> +<img border="0" src="images/deco.jpg" width="10%" alt="Publisher's Mark" /> +</div> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h3> PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON<br /> + J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br /> + 1918</h3> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h5>COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br /> +<br /> +PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918</h5> +<br /> +<br /> +<h5>PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY<br /> +AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS<br /> +PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A.</h5> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h3>TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER<br /> +A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO<br /> +DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917<br /> +THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED</h3> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2> + +<h3>A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE</h3> +<br /> + +<p>During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to +other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to +admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since +it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to +let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts.</p> + +<p>From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have +been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought +possible in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where +misunderstanding has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able +to express my feelings.</p> + +<p>I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a +little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that +American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense.</p> + +<p>Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman +to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising +his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was +interesting to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride +ourselves upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is +obvious. Most humour <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>is based upon the surprising incidents and +coincidents of domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British +to appreciate specious American humour when we know nothing of American +home life, and but little of American society?</p> + +<p>When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as +pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have +become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own +countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite +sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to +criticise the American people.</p> + +<p>During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon +anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been +written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my +room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to +speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards +good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to +amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite +hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong +intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations.</p> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Hector MacQuarrie.</span></p> +<p style="margin-left: 0.5em;"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem, Pa.</span>, November, 1917.<br /> +</p> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + +<div class="centered"> +<table border="0" width="70%" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Table of Contents"> + <tr> + <td class="tdl" width="10%" style="font-size: 80%;">CHAPTER</td> + <td class="tdl" width="80%"> </td> + <td class="tdr" width="10%" style="font-size: 80%;">PAGE</td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">I. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">A Naval Battle Followed by Service at Sea</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_11">11</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">II. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">New York Shelled with Shrapnel and an Entrance made to the "Holy City"</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_17">17</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">III. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Social Amenities in "Back Billets"</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_36">36</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">IV. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">"Very's Lights"</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">V. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">A Christmas Truce</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_52">52</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">VI. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">German Frightful Foolishness! A New Ally! The Hatchet Shows Signs of + Becoming Buried</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">VII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Some British Shells Fall Short</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_84">84</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">VIII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Lacrymatory Shells</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_95">95</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">IX. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Shells</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_113">113</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">X. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Submarines</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_129">129</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XI. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">An Offensive Bombardment</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_137">137</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Six Days' Leave</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_146">146</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XIII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Guns and Carriages</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_162">162</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XIV. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">A Premature</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_180">180</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XV. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">"Bon for You: No Bon for Me"</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_188">188</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XVI. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">A Naval Victory</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_196">196</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XVII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Poisonous Gas</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_209">209</a></td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="tdrtp">XVIII. </td> + <td class="tdl smcap">Through Pennsylvania</td> + <td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_219">219</a></td> + </tr> +</table> +</div> + +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h1>OVER HERE</h1> + +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<h2>I</h2> + +<h3>A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">R. M. S. Begonia</span>, Atlantic Ocean,<br /> +August 30, 1917.</p> + +<p>When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite +certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United +States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my +days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills, +accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless +there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the +whole I felt glad.</p> + +<p>After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent +home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light +duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed +to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help +in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would +be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the +sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the +proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I +rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They +are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic +relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of +course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type, +rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we +still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course, +make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their +national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other +hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out.</p> + +<p>It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the +Germans. We dislike them. They ought to.</p> + +<p>However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the +munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was +astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and +especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the +thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses +like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women," +whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They +were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>persons merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms, +sweeping up the floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one, +sweeping up the floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep +and saying, "Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer +gun and carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting +behind it having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some +confusion and looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be +called "pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon +rooms provided for the women. When women do things there is always a +graceful touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge +of several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking, +the women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were +closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes +arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman.</p> + +<p>The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of +them hate this—naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her +hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I +don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be +insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in +the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>her scalp. I won't vouch +for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the +accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large +munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that +while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there +were certain risks of losing the glory altogether—and was it worth +while?</p> + +<p>I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to +jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful +cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days +in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army +form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in +Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they +will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that +is all that matters.</p> + +<p>Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a +rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the +Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes. +Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big +thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her +husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was +caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an +unfortunate incident with a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>harmless lamb, which made his stay in the +country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so +that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I +took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would +suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an +humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the +tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a +dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I +decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few +objections, but I regretted that he was so big.</p> + +<p>He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him +safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right, +and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to +spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of +the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox +terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little +puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight +dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps +too much humour.</p> + +<p>These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am +enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by +another <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>officer from the navy, a correspondent of the <i>Daily Mail</i>, and +a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked +Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in +an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I +think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling +it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he +observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick +any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great +faith.</p> + +<p>We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an +unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am +sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people, +and the Bostonian sought another table.</p> + +<p>We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New +York and the skyscrapers.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>II</h2> + +<h3>NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND<br /> AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY"</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. +</p> + +<p>After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off +the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson +River.</p> + +<p>What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely +"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy +and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks, +where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot +impress a stranger when he first gets there.</p> + +<p>The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white, +sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous +products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When +man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes +off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at +dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little +puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to +twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently +untidy.</p> + +<p>Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss +to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with +a kindly face, called Captain H——. I have never been able to decide +whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian +army, a sea captain, or what.</p> + +<p>This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He +expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the +naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled +around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him +about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been +appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an +untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of +New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around +the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be +numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of +variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey.</p> + +<p>We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going +to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an +impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few +days. I thought, however, that the road <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>seemed a bit bumpy, and I must +admit that I disliked the taxicab.</p> + +<p>Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a +place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral. +There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men, +very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He +spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the +desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent +expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and +finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the +"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that +America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel +clerks and head waiters in their places.</p> + +<p>We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly +ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft +tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and +the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a +gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear +oneself speak.</p> + +<p>American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think +it is much nicer. H—— ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We +had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English +coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of +mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of +"playing" with it as we do.</p> + +<p>After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors. +I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of +the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch +accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common +friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty +it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of +fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete +aristocracy—why I don't know—and with his keen manner let me know it. +He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely +useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter +of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us +and is a splendid chap.</p> + +<p>Later he confided to H——, and H—— confided to us, that a man who +could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war +time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but +it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will +power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good +position, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the +fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar +struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his +feelings, with little success, alas!</p> + +<p>I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst +others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very +interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not +know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come +under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that +was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense +of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great +deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the +chorus generally, bordered on the <i>risqué</i>. There seems, also, to be a +type of <i>comédienne</i> who comes forward and talks to the people in a +diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt +to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often +seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale +in Montmartre.</p> + +<p>It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco +here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New +York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty +dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I +naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four +one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written +on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that +the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned +to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked +unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one +dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my +change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the +clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried, +had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best +policy.</p> + +<p>I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much +overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American +friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks. +He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that +people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown +off their feet during a gale. They formed cañons. He said that the +lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the +health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York.</p> + +<p>The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are +wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality +perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks. +I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their +names.</p> + +<p>One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered +what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were +behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a +"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon +squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and +her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like +as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her +pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another +young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and +explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied +any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for +agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How +do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the +finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of +course there were <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star +differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until +"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in +laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too +funny for words, and giggled like an idiot.</p> + +<p>Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame +creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only +to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to +insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark +out my order and see what happens.</p> + +<p>I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P——, a sapper subaltern, +conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage +we left New York at nine o'clock.</p> + +<p>In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to +Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street, +and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached +Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we +had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed +away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the +Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I +was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but +gauze <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most +of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One +may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to +the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small +compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this +compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the +train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American +trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is +very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade, +ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool +things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes +like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said.</p> + +<p>After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first +impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from +the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut +shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy +looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is +suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life +in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely +depressing.</p> + +<p>We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>in a wagon. I decided +to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room +"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this +occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall +very pretty dark young lady.</p> + +<p>After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro +boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel. +This was done and as P—— and I walked away from the hotel we could +hear fierce barking and yelping.</p> + +<p>At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and +members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the +plant and P—— introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I +shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into +detailed descriptions now.</p> + +<p>These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and +they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to +be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the +place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem +to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in +the form of avenues.</p> + +<p>I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of +the people I meet and the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>impressions I glean of their characteristics. +Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one. +In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge +us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters +in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a +little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has +suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the +insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of +this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived +before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants +upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all +the interesting qualities that man is heir to.</p> + +<p>I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel +plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an +impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I +insisted, but <i>not</i> with the dog.</p> + +<p>There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave +me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person +seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached +being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat +a dog with a great amount of respect.</p> + +<p>Fortunately, a friend—one of the steel officials—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>offered to look +after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a +happy home; so that is all right.</p> + +<p>Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low +tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support +the belfry above, thus forming an open platform.</p> + +<p>At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise. +At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very +well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped +back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we +found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to +the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a +number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some +earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The +general effect was pleasing.</p> + +<p>After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and +he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had +been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of +sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the +Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar +sect.</p> + +<p>I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>any of my countrymen. I +suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B——, who has +been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with +some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from +summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have +met quite a number of the steel men. L—— has very kindly allowed me to +have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel, +however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I +suppose it is all right.</p> + +<p>On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching +and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an +extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with +untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a +band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful +procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers +edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of +purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or +purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole +effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I +have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and +they were having a demonstration at Reading.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span>The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process. +(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use +it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the +climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to +imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe +the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous +value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we +humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking +on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the +Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of +sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar +processions would pass often.</p> + +<p>My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It +is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go +I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable.</p> + +<p>The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a +true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat +looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States +definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked +the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle +Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>people +are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to +regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a +decent murder or a fire in the same way.</p> + +<p>The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and +want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances. +They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are +with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take +different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially +France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times +they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war. +They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement +about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies.</p> + +<p>I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us +as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our +sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think +that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British +intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her +son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks +that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to +me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>to show too +much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They +are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The +houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses. +Portiéres often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive +occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The +effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it +must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on. +Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their +servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in +any case.</p> + +<p>On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people +seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a +Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian, +Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look +into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only +look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting +orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old +pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's. +Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is.</p> + +<p>The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I +suppose the streets are cleaned <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>sometimes, but never very well. At any +rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which +accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any +citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full +of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have +been told that this cannot well be helped.</p> + +<p>The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is +impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large +rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the +twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the +fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe +that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then +they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep +the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there +are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant +foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in +some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The +Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United +States entered the war they would soon be <i>strafed</i> by the fatherland, +and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money.</p> + +<p>Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All +the people photographed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>are of Southern European blood. One sees happy +brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded +by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies +things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined +with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests +on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is +hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person +rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in +time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the +coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the +corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his +waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking +their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying +in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other +children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think. +These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a +curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good +funeral.</p> + +<p>I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful +city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the +hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place, +business has taken charge of the people here, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>but the natural beauty of +this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man +who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the +beauty of the hills:</p> + +<p>"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene +of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees +contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if +that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the +pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the +sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley, +is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a +brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum +is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of +brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost +white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden +pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of +berries of a brighter red."</p> + +<p>In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very +lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously +beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the +town.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>III</h2> + +<h3>SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS"</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, December 20, 1917.</p> + +<p>A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to +have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American +folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable. +Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally +rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have +all got something attractive about them.</p> + +<p>It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the +country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise +and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build +beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around +them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone +can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of +several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give +wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get +a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the +honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women +dress beautifully, and often <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span>tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on, +everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one +grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite +a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all +happy and cheerful.</p> + +<p>It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose +the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in +Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London +to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at +home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty +and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the +jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun.</p> + +<p>Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country. +A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is +a thundering good fellow—a leader of men. That is the point. One used +to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse +manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better +manners than we have, especially towards women.</p> + +<p>Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to +be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span>established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is +large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its +very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or +portiéres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into +a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and +eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's +partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She +may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or +a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If +one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves +a new man to be careful.</p> + +<p>I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance +anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to +confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the +situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the +annoyance of the débutante. I have not danced with any very young people +yet. I would not dare.</p> + +<p>If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by +the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on +you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle +for more than one length of the room is gone. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>American young men will +never allow a débutante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch +of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all +done very gracefully. To dance with an American débutante requires +skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the +music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all +rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately +and gently swing with the music.</p> + +<p>Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is +nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young +people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for +very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to +you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs +this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I +replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of +etiquette.</p> + +<p>If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of +being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a +matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in" +on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but +it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she +would not otherwise get, and she understands. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span>Generally speaking there +are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses.</p> + +<p>There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a +cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they +one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a +broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A +string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and +beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great +compensation to a woman at her prime—her feet. They can be made +charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and +sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a +little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too.</p> + +<p>Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American +cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and +that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack +Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well +decorated, too.</p> + +<p>The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In +Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor +out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is +fairly crowded and a little irritating for the débutantes. Still they +are quite good-natured about it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>and only smile when a large freight +locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them.</p> + +<p>After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entrée, the music +starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten +minutes and then return to the entrée, now cold. This goes on during the +whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion.</p> + +<p>After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the +large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs. +This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent +upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about +midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a +couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times. +Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and +awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by +the cocktail party the next day.</p> + +<p>What pitfalls there are for the unwary!</p> + +<p>One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked +me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my +ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called +her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me <i>to +lunch</i>. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds +of people there and wondered how they were all going <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>to be seated at +the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at +about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to +stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning +lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward.</p> + +<p>About cocktail parties—well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that +they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the +Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one +said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties +are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the +life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter +of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink +cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small +shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the +Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin +and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk +about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their +way home from church and nicely dressed.</p> + +<p>It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us +all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few +cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are +usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in +power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the +house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly +always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never +seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what +I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly +hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but +they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every +opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally. +Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become +quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless +companions, but out of the question as wives.</p> + +<p>When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often +difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment. +Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at +all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are +either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to +the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will +either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she +will be the other thing. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>It will be necessary for you to humour her as +much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good +hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her +money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full +value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you +to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in +the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart +set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but +the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which +will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her +back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the +lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of +the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven +help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop +than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have +heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women.</p> + +<p>There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should +not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him. +But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a +title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly +several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls +are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude +towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has +not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because +they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have +known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for +the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps, +a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience +for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose. +It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child +arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way +that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is +naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain +steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with +the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it +will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot, +but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will +always be willing to suffer. Why should she?</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>IV</h2> + +<h3>"VERY'S LIGHTS"</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, December 20, 1917.</p> + +<p>I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas +Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the +screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close +up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to +know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite +a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something, +and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few +attractions. The people in film land are all interesting.</p> + +<p>There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and +haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and +what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not +going to talk about the vampire.</p> + +<p>Film stories can be divided into three classes—the wild and woolly, the +crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human +interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories.</p> + +<p>The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his +New York home, and his <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a +friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider +on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat +and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find +himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though +charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all +armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of +the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice +looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to +stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A +little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint +mademoiselle, <i>n'est ce pas</i>, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a +"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest +possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us +fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his +mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a +"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine +well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure.</p> + +<p>But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an +extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as +he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>to movie actors in +horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a +horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it +is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to +teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in +parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach +them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag +your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they +will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all +missions have—but this by the way.</p> + +<p>John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start, +and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person +will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live +for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes +(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and +then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling +that the world without romance would be a dull place.</p> + +<p>I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into +deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by +Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then +suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road +after—Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over +with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are +generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time.</p> + +<p>The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a +little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the +four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be +strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their +houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful +statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well +sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times.</p> + +<p>In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with +white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and +nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge +and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the +vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his +innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying +a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background, +praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the +pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of +garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at +a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then +the scene stops and she probably <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>curses the fellow working the lights +if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But +don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably +punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married +man.</p> + +<p>The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of +some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow.</p> + +<p>They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of +chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There +is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good +looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any +sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are +peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good +looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York.</p> + +<p>The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground +cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink +a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one, +and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on.</p> + +<p>Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People +like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write +his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in +all things with every one. And so he laughs <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>his way along the screen +journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very +brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses, +and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we +can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us +sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes +and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan, +really.</p> + +<p>Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a +little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting +accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little. +Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to +the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers +in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little +promiscuously, I think.</p> + +<p>Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most +of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why. +In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are +even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out +quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a +pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well +played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well +together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and +comfortably.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>V</h2> + +<h3>A CHRISTMAS TRUCE</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U.S.A., January 25, 1917.</p> + +<p>On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a +comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed +many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop +No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said, +"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up +by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings. +Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are +getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by +express?"</p> + +<p>That Assistant Superintendent never did like me.</p> + +<p>Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours +by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a +Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there +"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green +and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists +reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas +Day in a Pullman! And <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with +the snorers. Mon Dieu!</p> + +<p>If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say +good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing +how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me +one disadvantage—the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh +dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom +surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince, +the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the +stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the débutante. You can't +stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out.</p> + +<p>I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring +persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way +would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry +with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not +snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a +gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You +see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking +into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out +in the morning.</p> + +<p>Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>of this card snores." Then +the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His +Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a +non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there +might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers.</p> + +<p>I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large +wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and +down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice +mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the +scale.</p> + +<p>As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the +train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an +optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours +before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure +enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to +your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing +yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts. +Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box, +and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon +they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be +supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of +inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This +would look very interesting.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on +its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very +peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady +mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an +awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over +here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to +get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you +hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little +stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a +Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other +comforts.</p> + +<p>I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man +who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great +favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He +said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so +intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a +wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent.</p> + +<p>I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen +nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in +the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me +Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something +solid, something lasting <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite +of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is +notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that +if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like +Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers.</p> + +<p>Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he +lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of +little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal +arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous +"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself +the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful.</p> + +<p>All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little +weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the +Middle West as asleep to national duty.</p> + +<p>I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving +that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I +made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario. +Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following +words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry +Xmas to you."</p> + +<p>While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>its best hotel, I +cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept +by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around +Christmas.</p> + +<p>I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve +o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things +pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all +right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I +thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him. +I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the +train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the +station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going +off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that +should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs +of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it. +Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours +overdue.</p> + +<p>After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at +last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked +"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was +twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic +glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he +were not <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the +trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the +honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been +sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and +was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains, +feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All +the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite +lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed.</p> + +<p>After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past +being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I +sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they +opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on +each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap."</p> + +<p>"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that +I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how +they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked +astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I +belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They +introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many +questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge +person of kindly <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was +the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but +little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and +that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal, +and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect +remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He +laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to +prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a +person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from +getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him +and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is +difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to +yours."</p> + +<p>The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and +the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too +tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that +they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche.</p> + +<p>We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so +great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their +opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural +resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors. +This is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span>an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak +too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with +the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in +Canada and Bermuda.</p> + +<p>After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to +take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go +to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I +hope that I shall meet the large football chap again.</p> + +<p>At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun +was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower +groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here. +This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air.</p> + +<p>I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called +Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large +country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a +wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the +distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and +lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven +roof.</p> + +<p>I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too +mighty for description, but <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>they are not too lovely and not too +wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from +building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their +beauty.</p> + +<p>I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men +with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They +were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked +that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own +people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who +had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from +Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however, +that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently +decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but +might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English, +be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults +than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very +charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one +of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life.</p> + +<p>I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at +Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"—a very familiar spot. I had often +plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>had even cooked +moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert +Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only +murmur with the French shop keepers "<i>c'est la guerre</i>." These people +made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent—not +the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent.</p> + +<p>American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians +are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America +ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends +would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have +learnt not to mention the subject.</p> + +<p>They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One +very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you +like living with the Yankees?"</p> + +<p>I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the +person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show +of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I +desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American +friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the +Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time. +They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought +the feeling about America was very interesting.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said +that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a +pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days +when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my +Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs. +Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend."</p> + +<p>I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King." +The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an +awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over +here except the sermons.</p> + +<p>I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a +buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the +King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a +youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my +clothing generally.</p> + +<p>This was too much for my temper, so I <i>strafed</i> him until he must have +decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh" +to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be +court-martialled.</p> + +<p>The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at +Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat +at a large store. I am not a very small person, but <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>evidently the +attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on +me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his +department, so I <i>strafed</i> him, and left Canada by the very next train. +I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I +had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the +Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in +"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride +when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack +him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their +'Gard Darm'—but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to +visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire.</p> + +<p>Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very +firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has +changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my +Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang" +a bit.</p> + +<p>I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another +table—to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so +my friend—he was a great friend—said, "Please, Mac, come over, these +fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of +wisdom? Not a bit! It was my <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>accent they wanted. But there was no +intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but +he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my +way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every +one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent." +Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities.</p> + +<p>It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in +Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they +can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem +divide themselves roughly into six groups—the Moravians (I place them +first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of +well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans, +largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners +who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works.</p> + +<p>But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to +me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the +same town with them helps one quite a lot.</p> + +<p>It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have +had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very +far wrong.</p> + +<p>Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span>England. Obviously large +numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign. +Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being +interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the +opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality, +otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the +less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very +religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw +numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly +they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they +could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a +fashionable one.</p> + +<p>John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised +an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of +England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a +belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation, +it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated +by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour +by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin, +so they grew and multiplied.</p> + +<p>Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could +have continued to thrive if it had <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>not been for a friend who appeared +upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count +Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small +settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf.</p> + +<p>If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem, +he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole +thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had +a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of +the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They +had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young +lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before +marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in +the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies +in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been +a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands +dead and lifeless with pointed fingers—you know the sort of thing—but +the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something +characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look +as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get +an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist. +I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers.</p> + +<p>Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>converted, and, possibly +knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle +here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know +much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot +in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the +Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped +them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any +rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of +the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery. +I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old +inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle +of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by +the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't +it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that +I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from +saying very much.</p> + +<p>Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the +trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to. +Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel +works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys +from regarding the thing as a terrific honour.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother +dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple +tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All +announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone +choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very +much, but the thing in itself is very interesting.</p> + +<p>I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day +of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of +revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was +ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was +talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and +asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all +right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would +bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front—it was getting +a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old +year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of +music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We +All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in. +Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful +hymn.</p> + +<p>I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were +a handsome crowd of men and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>women, great friends of mine for the most +part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would +bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and +I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain +of war—the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery +party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will +get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They +will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard +every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless +defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up +for them. Still I wonder.</p> + +<p>But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk +who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything—sorrow +and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons +willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of +soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the +United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of +this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are +mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all +with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and +the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them, +I believe, and they live a great deal in the past.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell +you about Brother L——. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of +the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black +pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my +mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord +in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not +sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in +that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had +a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I +first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U——'s son a +lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U——'s husband is not a Moravian, but the +wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal. +Brother L—— is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into +an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by +to do some skating, I saw brother L—— waiting for a trolley car. I +offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car +to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the +cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister +was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him +standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have +got frozen, for he had to wait ten <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>minutes. Strangely enough he has +never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the +world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when +one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude +shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a +tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit.</p> + +<p>Now Brother L—— is an American and we who dare to criticise our +cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and +sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument +why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I +have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I +finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell +you all about the "Putz."</p> + +<p>One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and +we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock, +all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said: +"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like +a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all +descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was +enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I +was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass, +took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly +spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry +with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass +after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their +contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several +present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall, +good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards +me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of +sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say, +Cap., will you come and see my p—utz?" I was a little bewildered. He +repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter +bombardment and said: "Pre—cisely what is your p—utz." He looked +comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a +decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the +people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of +our Lord. It suggests a crêche in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But +yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in +Bethlehem.</p> + +<p>Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house +containing one is quite open <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to +be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas +time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the +Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small +boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred +manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after +building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars +dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above +amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was +a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged +to my friend of the club catacomb.</p> + +<p>With Mrs. U—— I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly +lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first +we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear +cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness +and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees +silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking +towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual +Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the +synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an +interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite +distinct. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be +breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us +shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More +light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds. +At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the +Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee +synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased +shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but +soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the +manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone +upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the +darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a +multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God +in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'</p> + +<p>"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into +heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto +Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made +known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and +the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known +abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all +they that heard it <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>wondered at those things which were told them by the +shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her +heart."</p> + +<p>It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the +outcry of womenkind all over the world.</p> + +<p>I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of +all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most +possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and +consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave +many charming parties. I went to a <i>bal masqué</i> after returning from +Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm +and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite +abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu +Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>VI</h2> + +<h3>GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY!<br /> THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF +BECOMING BURIED</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., February 28, 1917.</p> + +<p>So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has +decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all +agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that +we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His +Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high +state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men +and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have +become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In +other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like +His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of +God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we +examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed +with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we +are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try, +because William seems to us a poor sort of creature.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary +to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is +always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there +are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of +America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The +Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of +this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very +wealthy merchant prince, with but one object—to get rich as quickly as +possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are +concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice +after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth. +They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very +wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and +wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see +very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant +little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children. +He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of +freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy +the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid +"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and +a man's duties.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you, +Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John, +I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right +track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you +quite a lot."</p> + +<p>Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection +before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming +pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient +power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the +American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have +a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job, +too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a +democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea +of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with +England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily +scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed. +This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to +scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the +only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and +I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present +(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span>friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the +climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or +laugh?</p> + +<p>Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great +minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people +and settled many arguments.</p> + +<p>So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a +million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity +that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French +people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to +prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in +the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master.</p> + +<p>Thank heaven we can see him as he is really—just a mad chauffeur with +his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a +chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom. +The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is +a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the +bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will +be something left of the machine.</p> + +<p>I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It +was difficult to get lodgings, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>but I applied to J—— C—— for help +and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of +mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J—— C—— +for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland +for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's +wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who +made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now +I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make +a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare +time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I +please and I know that the two of them are very interested.</p> + +<p>One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a +guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered +what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was +still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them +fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just +loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all +soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for +magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them +and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns +she is as depressed as I am about it.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland +terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's +little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her +to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy +and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for +a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that +my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I +fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she +hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She +ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her +milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all +shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but +after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on +the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right +round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar +close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack, +calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him +for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look +at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at +me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we +had named her, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and +rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again. +I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with +six rabbits.</p> + +<p>Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me +about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said: +"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was +passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed +and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is +wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's +mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends +throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat +policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried +all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her +disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself.</p> + +<p>I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No +woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making +themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly +well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken +me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her +veins and she wants to do her bit.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>VII</h2> + +<h3>SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., April 25, 1917.</p> + +<p>In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which +commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds +have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the +minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is +surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over +the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't +got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the +silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very +worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons.</p> + +<p>I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden +lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the +folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three +years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called +"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes +made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of +unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>Sam was just as guilty. He +himself believes that he was much more guilty because he <i>did</i> have +nearly three years to think about the matter.</p> + +<p>He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not +trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the +Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic +effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right +from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course, +that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government +which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own +council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally; +I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will +learn to understand him. It is about time that we did.</p> + +<p>It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular +feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of +course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word +against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he +is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one +object—to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but +the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two +great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until +Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in +Sweden somewhere.</p> + +<p>All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It +is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us. +You will realize this when you discover that an American belies +absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to +boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use +and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe +that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when +he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn +quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at +the start.</p> + +<p>I hate to think of an anæmic German with spectacles turning his machine +gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they +expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to +inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one +sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally +being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to +acknowledge that they are no better.</p> + +<p>We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>rather an impossible +person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a +German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German +propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the +friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over +here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of +cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it?</p> + +<p>The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck +to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for +the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that +Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of +constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to +have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions +close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very +awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a +little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may +catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary +spirit is very "catching."</p> + +<p>Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a +wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British +genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>proper +gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little +apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French +general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we +sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He +will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you."</p> + +<p>Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our +very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of +old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is +good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician. +Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a +foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves. +He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They +are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here, +since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if +Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down +the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just +as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for +the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness. +I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents +the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course, +we <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but +I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our +cousins over here.</p> + +<p>Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed +to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held +by the best humourists who work for the <i>London Punch</i>. An <i>entente +cordiale</i> with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would +be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about +this country.</p> + +<p>When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen +misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes—not an unusual +sight, especially in regard to the last named—they don't shrug their +shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They +merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough.</p> + +<p>American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class +distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest +difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ +died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been +affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at +the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of +gentleness. When a man has attained that state of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>mind which prevents +him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent +provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained +what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has +approached very closely to the Christian ideal.</p> + +<p>And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the +least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that +people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more +thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the +thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of +history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have +met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great +difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the <i>New York Journal</i>.</p> + +<p>We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has +a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of +it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us +throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little +puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much +humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the +matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few +difficulties in the way.</p> + +<p>Of course, to talk like this may seem a little <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>strange when the British +flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes. +But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean +nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and +the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps +one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good +results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business, +but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would +realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a +good thing.</p> + +<p>If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three +years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in +each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if +we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to +criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an +intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great +help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical +operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with +its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited +to allow the formation of differing groups of people.</p> + +<p>In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four +Hundred, with a mansion on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American. +Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot +of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander +whose ancestors braved the elements in the <i>Mayflower</i>. Mention it +casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse +Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one. +The <i>Mayflower</i> business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people +arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His +followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small +families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the <i>Mayflower</i>.</p> + +<p>I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not +long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and +the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose +diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to +her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I +sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from +where her children's forebears came.</p> + +<p>Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their +ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk, +as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span>great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they +seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great +help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap.</p> + +<p>To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because +you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying +the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect +manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell +whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a +"provincial," poor chap!</p> + +<p>Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good +idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about +the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too +lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is +what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much.</p> + +<p>Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was +faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where +his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any +Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the +house in a hansom cab?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," he replied.</p> + +<p>"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye."</p> + +<p>"Are there any others?" he asked.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span>"Yes, but they're all thieves."</p> + +<p>She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a +"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a +'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice +shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines +living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>VIII</h2> + +<h3>LACRYMATORY SHELLS</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., July 23, 1917.</p> + +<p>A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I +know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather +depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of +marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no +means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him, +it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme +Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become +very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This +lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost +all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely +nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton.</p> + +<p>I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a +perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing +a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of +undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low +townee fellow said <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>"rats" to one of her statements. She replied with +the sweetest smile in the world: "<i>That's</i> an intelligent remark," while +a large football player took revenge on the chap.</p> + +<p>From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk +of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their +habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by +their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the +English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature +American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility +towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about +it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for +horses, but hell for women."</p> + +<p>Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small +and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then +about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily +furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they +liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I +said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of +the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the +number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really +brutal man was equally <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was +the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well. +"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband, +to light his study lamps for him—perhaps when he is tired after a day's +work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by +the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I +continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was +serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether +serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember +once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at +all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness +commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed +from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and +finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft +house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a +little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she +explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to +do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from +visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really +well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished +at the devotion shown by his wife.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American +town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she +said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his +slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and +helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was +merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her +point of view.</p> + +<p>Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I +think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their +noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study +their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their +husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like +to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior +working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to +thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have +committed suicide or escaped or something.</p> + +<p>But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a +dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a <i>bon courage</i> as a +French lady once said after I had spoken much French.</p> + +<p>Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were +all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only +overt act that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>would stir the American heart to its depths would be the +shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the +"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I +asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they +all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be +stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the +Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I +have since learnt what a "chicken" is.</p> + +<p>When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly +(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very +well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes +about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken." +She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is +something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes +that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that +necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about +is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her +very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness" +rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are +generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is +generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her +powers. There is a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what, +that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with +her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a +wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think +she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine +her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own +hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher +up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather +admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At +first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but +as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any +other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing +or not. American men seem to find them very diverting.</p> + +<p>The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works +fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this +country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for +me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort +at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have +finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her +friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means +little <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never +let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but +always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and +shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great +friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very +much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge +nation by the few persons I have met.</p> + +<p>If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to +your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in +domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the +business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame +reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't +enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to +be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here +because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has +really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I +will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited +ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he +assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But +Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her +lover or her slave and she takes <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>the necessary steps to keep him in his +proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the +pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does. +This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when +they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection. +Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and +spend most of their time at the club.</p> + +<p>More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction. +She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and +friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her +household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is +always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very +appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly +dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse +and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on +dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the +married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere +else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of +the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I +suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting +results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span>towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war +outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not +dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that +women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of +honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to +them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt +their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest +objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect +that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are +indeed veritable cowards by proxy.</p> + +<p>When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable +he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and +he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable, +even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he +gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly +married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious +or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been +put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No +women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me +tell you about its <i>habitués</i>. Of course, it is impossible to say what +sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>members +are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago.</p> + +<p>The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men +of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards +were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for +their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly +some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed +found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still +this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to +fight those Huns.</p> + +<p>Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of +belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor +to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is +impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They +say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say +brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and +more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but +they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was +sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were +endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a +cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man +next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span>a ray of sunshine down +the cañon." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say +quick, rapid funny things.</p> + +<p>At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and +other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are +comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are +generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that +this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like +Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is +a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed +in towels, especially during these military days.</p> + +<p>But to return to the ladies—we had an interesting young person attached +to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her. +Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a +rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land" +to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert +Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears."</p> + +<p>One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton +the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our +billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span>aloud the +following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the +London <i>Times</i> which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady, +young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411, +London <i>Times</i>." After looking round at the three of us he remarked: +"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better +answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an +opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the +advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of +heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good +looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in <i>les affaires de +cœur</i> was obviously the man.</p> + +<p>So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a +rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so +the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I +remember the letter ran as follows:</p> + +<p>"Dear Friend:</p> + +<p>"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns +endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give +you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our +position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally +calls 'Somewhere in France.'</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents +were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed +but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as +he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am, +but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such +disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I +don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by +Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as +'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was +the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anæmic meat +pie with two friends.</p> + +<p>"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my +brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely +written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent +to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large +box of green sweets called "Crême de Mint," but they were sent to +Wharton by his fiancée. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that +famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon +the portrait of her dead husband.</p> + +<p>"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes +became fixed upon the table <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>cloth, for thereon I read your charming +notice. We always prefer the London <i>Times</i> as a table cloth. The paper +is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the <i>Daily +Telegraph</i>, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of +many arguments.</p> + +<p>"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the +dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with +me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five +minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No +longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's +loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks, +sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All +would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it!</p> + +<p>"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your +charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write +regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"When the sun starts to sink from my sight,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">There's one thing that's to me a delight—<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The mail bag from Blighty.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive +your photograph I may even write <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>a sonnet. And now I will close my +letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span style="padding-right: 11.0em;">"Yours very sincerely,</span><br /> +<span style="padding-right: 8.5em;">"Hector Clarke-Stuart."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to +produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard +to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable +person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend +the Royal Academy.</p> + +<p>At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both +knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling +sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her +regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening.</p> + +<p>The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position +several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at +the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant +Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two +letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English +miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with +some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but +when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves +to themselves," thereby <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>showing consideration for others but a mean +spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very +respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried +on.</p> + +<p>The other letter was delightful and ran as follows:</p> + +<p>"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart:</p> + +<p>"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my +little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am +now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks +which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but +one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but +indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of +myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am +but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to +tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure +that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built.</p> + +<p>"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers' +photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not +know them.</p> + +<p>"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas, +dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am +sure that things will change.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the +great poet who contributes verse to the <i>London Daily Fog</i> each +Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to +your sonnet.</p> + +<p class="right"> +<span style="padding-right: 11.0em;">"Yours very sincerely,</span><br /> +<span style="padding-right: 8.5em;">"Rosalie De Silva."</span><br /> +</p> + +<p>Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large +pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We +therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special +orderly.</p> + +<p>It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that +ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as +well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was +mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest +by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the +correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of +Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major.</p> + +<p>One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the +back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris +Hoey."</p> + +<p>"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened. +The maids are called <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>"Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought +that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie +must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on +leave in a few days.</p> + +<p>He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was +inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous. +Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from +leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the +occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never +seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he +had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich +had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during +his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife +spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been +merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>IX</h2> + +<h3>SHELLS</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., August 5, 1917.</p> + +<p>When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the +object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious +that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is +distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods +so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less +intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form +themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is +inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated +with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and +have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if +their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they +are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and +viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These +gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially; +upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social +pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally +they are received in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>quite the best society. They consist often of an +extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people.</p> + +<p>An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in +others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after +getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself +to be a general in embryo.</p> + +<p>In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms +where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one +its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain +lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and +exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own +countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess +at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I +decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted +it.</p> + +<p>In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are +representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller +nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring +nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man +each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind +of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented +by one man, and Eddy Y—— looks after him. Great Britain's production +department <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>and France's inspection department are looked after by +Captain L——. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans, +Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all +kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is +interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they +spake with tongues.</p> + +<p>In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials +of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very +big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very +important calls upon them.</p> + +<p>But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a +wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and +worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes +said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile +in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but +she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a +waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think, +about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to +state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth +Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so +good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She +wears a simple blue frock <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>and a large white linen apron which ends at +her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should +train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons +of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably.</p> + +<p>As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go +to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel +men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents +possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden +is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has +to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading +the person occupying the lower to change places—the lower person +obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will +gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first +met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he +remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether +he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a +naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made +over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just +brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that +happens to be organizing.</p> + +<p>Then there is the head steel inspector. He dis<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span>likes English people, he +thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I +fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He +is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes +and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a +"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course +I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to.</p> + +<p>Then there is Eddy Y——. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty +and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He +loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a +novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner, +a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble +once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it. +He himself believed it.</p> + +<p>"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner? +Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this +morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day. +Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the +road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a +chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's +head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to +sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the +worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding +ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we +mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones +passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on +his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to +sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and +I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when +the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What +the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His +mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he +expected to see him running about again in about two days.</p> + +<p>Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always +refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be <i>some</i> +place; and the women, <i>Ma foi!</i></p> + +<p>We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially +those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once, +especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day, +two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of +Russians seemed <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge +voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans +laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last +fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of +the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last +you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me +back at least six points." A good "come back!" <i>N'est ce pas?</i></p> + +<p>Then there is Harry M——, one of the finest men that I have met. He is +very clever and has one big thing in his life—devotion to his wonderful +country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We +are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always +end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than +most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then +he girds himself for the combat.</p> + +<p>Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there +were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a +Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane, +Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M——, are an Englishman; there ain't +no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel +told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how, +may I ask, do you <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick +Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just +an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all +laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if +you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as +much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the +world to say anything that will hurt him.</p> + +<p>I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M——. He told me once that +during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when +Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of +our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel +company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with +it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all +over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons +because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and +France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at +once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I +know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the +stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise +an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. <i>Yes, to +fight for England!</i></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they +would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there +is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have +known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in +spite of our failure to foster it. We established an <i>entente cordiale</i> +with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because +many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the +French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with +America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home +country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the +rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans +have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst +the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people +don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over +a hundred years.</p> + +<p>But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike +us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in +England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high +hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old +fellow—America's only enemy.</p> + +<p>I share an office at the moment with a couple of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>American boys, both +married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is +necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I +felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the +office next to him. It is better so.</p> + +<p>The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and +looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the +United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings +and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the +father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and +he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's +contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books +and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the +story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some +other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop +or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every +cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I +hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen.</p> + +<p>The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage +to get along very well with them both.</p> + +<p>There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>galaxy of beauty. I +hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart +appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and +more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine +tool department at the Ministry in London.</p> + +<p>I met old Sir Francis N—— one day going up the stairs at the Hotel +Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that +really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink +when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic +neutrality. It is better thus.</p> + +<p>I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates +everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business +it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult +him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude +things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the +person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you +have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about +the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably +became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business +letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are +liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are +insulting a third person it is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>always good to put before your more +cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much +trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion +is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom +you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight +out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs +is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the +same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper +talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own +actions with a coldly discerning eye.</p> + +<p>It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant, +suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so +well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful.</p> + +<p>There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of +labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are +useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a +fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one +flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but +this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually +splendid.</p> + +<p>Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span>your +intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed +goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon +the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles +make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this +and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these +spectacles.</p> + +<p>Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh +University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I +shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until +nine <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived +one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at +the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I +looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and +haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I +thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on +Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we +spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely +diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair.</p> + +<p>The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly +has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to +work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I +have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny +from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from +his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that +his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely +admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters.</p> + +<p>As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero +worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their +friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest +amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is +generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and +invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and, +what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse +breed.</p> + +<p>Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible +for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I +have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a +fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we +had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span>especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were +always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by +comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and +exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only +difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people +have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been +more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study +the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England, +he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier.</p> + +<p>I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother +in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed +with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under +the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after +leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and +sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of +wealth wondering if it has really been worth while.</p> + +<p>"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We +work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea +how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little +American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent +thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in +the city <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark +is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its +possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of +anywhere else.</p> + +<p>Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge; +but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of +truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I +have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is +obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are +sometimes hard things to learn.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>X</h2> + +<h3>SUBMARINES</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., August 30, 1917.</p> + +<p>The other day Dicky C—— and I went to Atlantic City for the week end. +So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt +my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left +this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The +chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this +worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the +number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The +caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our +destination at about ten o'clock at night.</p> + +<p>Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get +either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were +turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or +our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls +trying to get some hotel to take us in.</p> + +<p>We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were +full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a +British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This +worked like magic.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the +building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow +guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in +case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having +wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of +these.</p> + +<p>Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter +was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes. +About these clothes—I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost +know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the +material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands, +and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was +turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine. +Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do, +we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to +starve rather than to give him a cent.</p> + +<p>We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a +poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into +a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of +grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt +more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all +the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very +lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a +nickel.</p> + +<p>Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in +bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep.</p> + +<p>I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head +threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted +that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight +stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a +staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study +in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they +were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his +light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and +dressed.</p> + +<p>After breakfast, and as it was a table d'hôte we were not at all sparing +in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony +overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I +made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I +had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of +Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and +donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very +thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a +continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of +them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful. +There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with +clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There +were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's +bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on +earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look +awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged +round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings +seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no +intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and +their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful +to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very +strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady +assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a +girl's swimming skirt!</p> + +<p>I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's +dress often seems designed to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches +are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short, +displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are +low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he +places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of +his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic +City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly +physical beauty in this country is a very high one.</p> + +<p>The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for +Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were +lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is +obviously better that it should be as it is.</p> + +<p>Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were +thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their +existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large +stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one +walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer +part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We +came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were +coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly +diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned +out. These <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would +see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful +swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed +so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with +their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for +observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the +beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a +country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This +fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a +crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism +is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open +air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing.</p> + +<p>I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is +delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange +procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made +of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable +foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent +architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I +suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should +come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and, +upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be +with a crowd of cheerful people.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer +season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't +think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we +were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go +up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August.</p> + +<p>Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles +along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from +their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has +a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey +is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea. +The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the +inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea. +Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are +many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three +bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the +circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very +large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer.</p> + +<p>Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for +our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would +return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur, +and asked him for his expense account. Having <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>paid it—it was one +dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three +shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little +money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a +mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little +nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the +chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole +thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return.</p> + +<p>It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me—the +people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the +hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they +have got to live, "<i>mais je n'en vois pas la necessité</i>," as some +philosopher remarked.</p> + +<p>When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady +quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain +that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went +over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all +my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered. +She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie" +tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We +arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XI</h2> + +<h3>AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT</h3> +<br /> + +<p>There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing—"Rule for +the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great +American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous +speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing +called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual +battle for the United States, and won.</p> + +<p>Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham +Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur, +King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely +enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but +Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt +about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the +Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from +England. I wish they hadn't.</p> + +<p>Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He +and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies +outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>people by +the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about +"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of +yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies +without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks +within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes +seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors.</p> + +<p>Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I +can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay +because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its +wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to +all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any +foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who +make politics their business.</p> + +<p>I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the +faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many +other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder, +really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very +long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the +year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all +his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament. +Even football has developed into a form of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span>trench warfare, sometimes +not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object—to +get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business +schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking +gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must +have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never +seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming +over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it.</p> + +<p>Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that +the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a +"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed +about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people +subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided +into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The +tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money. +It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One +heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into +song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If +a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense +existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this +enthusiastic <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>existence has formed a national trait. A man must get +there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does +not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often +dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as +long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five +minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city +killing a few people <i>en route</i> because they have not time or +inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly +level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty +locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really. +Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have +often waited from an hour to several hours for a train.</p> + +<p>So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this—not +wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national +enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and +politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are +obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a +critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault +of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have +responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they +are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span>One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It +ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions +the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a +politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the +American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the <i>New York +Times</i>, the <i>New York Sun</i>, and the <i>Public Ledger</i> every day and they +are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers +and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful +American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they +know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell +their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned +often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular.</p> + +<p>At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but +during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always +seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of +the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to +last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display +disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely +described as "newspaper talk."</p> + +<p>And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion +is breathed against an English <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>policeman by a good newspaper, the thing +is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the +policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look +after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand +the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of +rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and +carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular +campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world +to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of +enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the +prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever +they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes +brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English +newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head +police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of +the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man, +but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in +us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then +the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers. +Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few +weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of +parliament, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but +surely it is foolish to criticise the cop.</p> + +<p>I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't +know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories.</p> + +<p>If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national +trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a +matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are +awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence +they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly +unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the +telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because +of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid +its wires carelessly and untidily.</p> + +<p>An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his +congressman—he never reads what the said gentleman says before the +House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a +citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of +ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a +particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!"</p> + +<p>It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and +his family well. The next man <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>finds it wanting, so he patches it. A +concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the +elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as +flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first +fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there."</p> + +<p>These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the +Middle West.</p> + +<p>And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big +background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and +his natural efficiency allied to good health.</p> + +<p>Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That +may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first +generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this +country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can +see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an +inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the +effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants, +the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The +police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will +not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless +he deserves them.</p> + +<p>The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for +reflection will mould the national <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>character. Things will then change +for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites, +that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins.</p> + +<p>Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it +profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million +dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able +to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life +bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large +estate until he has reached a great age.</p> + +<p>Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "<i>Et tu +Brute</i>; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal +worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by +our cops. Go thou and do likewise."</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XII</h2> + +<h3>SIX DAYS' LEAVE</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., September 30, 1917.</p> + +<p>I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the +beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and +see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was +feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would +allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I +decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at +Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at +Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the +entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white, +possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts +as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat, +and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and +family.</p> + +<p>I left Bethlehem at 3 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, arrived at Philadelphia somewhere +around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the +evening before catching the midnight train for Washington.</p> + +<p>While the kit of a mounted officer in the British <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>army has certain +attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field +boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot +and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven +o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a +necessity, so I descended to the café and suggested to the waiter that +he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought +that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint +julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American +people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word +"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at +Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large +column in the café. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He +did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was +all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green +mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more +thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry.</p> + +<p>I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps, +but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My +first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt +myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and +masses of mint growing on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>the banks. I felt that delightful sensation +that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one +is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the +dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of +a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles +and dentists returns to one's consciousness.</p> + +<p>This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see +the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small +voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what +must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very +familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to +English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness +returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the +distance said: "Waiter, your d—— mint julep has gone to my head and I +must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice +expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank +water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the +wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite +of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I +should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A +faint knowledge of Christian Science <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>picked up from my chief in New +York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel +and along the road and caught my train.</p> + +<p>I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps. +I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was +extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several +hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely +potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is +comparatively harmless and that it is <i>not</i> a soft drink. Frankly I will +never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many +possibilities lurking in its icy depths.</p> + +<p>I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a +wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to +show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal.</p> + +<p>I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to +accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most +of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed +in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store—good material, but +badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the +effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of +them.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span>Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in +perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some +advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they +had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an +entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic.</p> + +<p>We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that +town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of +conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know +the sort—everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at +once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of, +"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been +over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit +quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all +on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter. +We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses +soon. Gee! but we'll all have <i>some</i> parties in London some day. We've +got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our +lives."</p> + +<p>Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers +always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush +about <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform. +They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked +tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought +to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform +that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the +days of the great peace.</p> + +<p>It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in +England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also +caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred +faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks.</p> + +<p>However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being +saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to +the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the +latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called +the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not +adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've +often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks +smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow.</p> + +<p>These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole +thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we +were <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still +enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is +slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for +we know what we are up against.</p> + +<p>Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked +out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty." +After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to +grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then +time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital.</p> + +<p>A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while, +merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful +about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it +seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military +life on the many men walking about the streets.</p> + +<p>One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior +officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a +good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young +junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that +the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone +else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the +actual difficult, dangerous work, the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>leading of a charge, for +instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than +the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment +possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most +impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to +compare British experience in this respect with American.</p> + +<p>In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can +afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both +is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He +is like a second year man at a university—just a little difficult to +manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their +platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course, +when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it +is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal +intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling +of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty, +rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting +link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link +becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who +makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very +proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break +occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>love, and in +my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the +affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy +for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a +"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar +feller."</p> + +<p>After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a +slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis.</p> + +<p>At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling +the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I +hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received +cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R—— and +M——. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R—— is +what we would call in England a typical American girl—original, bright, +happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M—— represents an +international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl +that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all +abawt yer and yet likes yer."</p> + +<p>The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm +and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep +them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very +glad to see him. His father, a naval officer <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>of rank, had lived at +Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation +for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with +mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained +sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons.</p> + +<p>He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person +being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large +steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a +laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town. +Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales +department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was +complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty, +droll things in one week than most people say in five years.</p> + +<p>As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words +an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to +Annapolis for a short course of intensive training.</p> + +<p>We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis. +Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and +has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses +in England. It seemed sound asleep.</p> + +<p>We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good +looking, playing in a piece <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span>called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no +serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois +looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing +scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very +well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not +meant for sleeping in.</p> + +<p>After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great +success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people +came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my +host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me +that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible +for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please +her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china, +prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All +the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was +quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner.</p> + +<p>However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but +unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the +grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince +in a fashionable mausoleum.</p> + +<p>The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a +charming country house on <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>the Severn. There were about twenty of us and +we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or +regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is +impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other +members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president.</p> + +<p>We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating, +dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had +engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about +everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim +to music before.</p> + +<p>The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia +boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the +praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there +is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet +heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I +cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds +its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland.</p> + +<p>The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the +whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy, +with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and +finally the main group of buildings, the effect is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span>just wonderful. You +should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally +covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice +seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps +crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little +round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by +the ordinary seaman.</p> + +<p>Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the +ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches. +They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of +laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M——, R——, and +I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we +have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we +can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J——, sometimes +we catch a glimpse of B——; often J—— is at the helm, so we all wave, +but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we +return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab +catching is rather fun, but R—— is very bad at it for as soon as a +crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets +very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go.</p> + +<p>One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am +perfectly certain that we <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>stayed too long, but we hated leaving, +because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was +their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I +believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit."</p> + +<p>At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated, +and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short +speech, every sentence of which was of value—short, brisk, bright, +inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and +presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went +up and returned with their certificates. K—— got a particularly +enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before +the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine +destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get +him.</p> + +<p>After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of +the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later, +at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to +be her guests in New York.</p> + +<p>The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the +hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We +went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the +show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly +devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass +gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a +little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or +merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain +men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies +from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the +people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up +this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while +hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to +others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at +the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very +puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really +are.</p> + +<p>The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots +marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage +to imitate a rather more clever person than himself—Billy Sunday. Of +course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the +right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a +little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show +that he is sincere and just as capable <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>of making men better as of being +able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "<i>Voilá!</i>"</p> + +<p>A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are +married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby. +I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all +red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not +prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully +for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big +smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right.</p> + +<p>And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns +and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to +Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the +Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the +sailors of Uncle Sam.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XIII</h2> + +<h3>GUNS AND CARRIAGES</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., October 30, 1917.</p> + +<p>I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called +"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about +guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things +that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the +comparative rest of the battlefield.</p> + +<p>Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had +to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation +of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a +gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for +the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who +desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call +the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun." +But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of +steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a +layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the +piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors +be very careful about this. They are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>generally awfully good at +mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They +can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something +to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful +thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go."</p> + +<p>Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing, +and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying: +"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will +burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No +sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of +that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that +on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five +pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater +arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been +present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that +both sides were right—so what can you do?</p> + +<p>Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes—the thorough +mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of +the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires +to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments, +unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span>foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in +the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress +the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job +have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and +interesting people.</p> + +<p>Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in +England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I +come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at +lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were +anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors.</p> + +<p>In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition. +The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order +for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal. +Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector +must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer, +possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that +things would run smoothly.</p> + +<p>In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest +possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer +gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that +all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the +same sort of work and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span>really good workmen become scarce. Then again the +inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes +years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their +very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a +little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through +inexperienced eyes.</p> + +<p>A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving +himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun. +Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he +cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war +is a mild performance.</p> + +<p>An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given +munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and +the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not +deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must +be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of +course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be +easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer +will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the +manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the +manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector +will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>are comparatively +intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed, +would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged. +Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would +sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly +sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and +had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is +difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop +"frightfulness."</p> + +<p>But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its +opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it +reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when +it is issued to the battery.</p> + +<p>The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel +ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of +sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will +not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the +intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the +inspector merely gives this a little attention.</p> + +<p>The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech +rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two +parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated." +It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a +portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and +here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine +displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has +got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch; +this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break, +this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a +feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for +he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it +through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in +America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge +of production has a rotten time of it.</p> + +<p>However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine +shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much +about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer +has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch +closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes +the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>whole thing if +it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments +and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who +will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to +let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They +ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they +are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous +and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all +very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but +it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and +carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part +contains the possibility of an argument.</p> + +<p>Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of +manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones +in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly +Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any +"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be +displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem +Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe +me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of +an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the +Terriers minus a sense of humour, from <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>taking the futile attitude of +superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of +the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty."</p> + +<p>Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as +effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who +was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles +from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this +time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor. +He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making +a single enemy." He had personality—that colonel.</p> + +<p>An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job +thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the +average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I +said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace. +Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these +days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most +dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and +pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his +sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is +serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man +causes delays and trouble.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no +sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very +difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and +thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his +autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks +"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the +value of personality in every branch of life.</p> + +<p>An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never +exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of +work—work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and +fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe +when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America +it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American +manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a +good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in +dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them, +if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the +Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference—"Pray, gentlemen, +consider that perhaps you may be wrong."</p> + +<p>In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got +to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut +sometimes and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>they often get away with it. Of course, they do not +always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The +mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd.</p> + +<p>It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short +cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all +about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters.</p> + +<p>But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that +happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training +in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job +of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done +quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school +I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the +dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in +the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches +or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt +to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am +ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from +another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the +battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was +told that they had been pinched "by that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>there lootenant who takes the +sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course, +it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and +although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about +twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he +gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing +himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My +N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it.</p> + +<p>One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be +a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It +was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted +it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read +orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger.</p> + +<p>At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to +prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the +school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only +armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took +up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders +that day.</p> + +<p>At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I +saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations +being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>strategic +retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to +me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the +riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I +ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the +riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked +bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced +me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and +then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it +isn't soldiering."</p> + +<p>It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my +hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and +looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had +arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning. +The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the +formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else. +The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was +nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and +they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I +had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be +trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked +very bad.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My +own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house +to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are +sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried +until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment +after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins, +you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of +my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion.</p> + +<p>Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a +time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during +the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in +orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, <i>i.e.</i>, that if you want a +thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are +willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of +the risk.</p> + +<p>In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a +little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest +person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most +people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne, +though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only +officer of rank who had seen service.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred +men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men +did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These +emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that +are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats +you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section +of the bellows of a concertina.</p> + +<p>Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a +requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two, +because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many +weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is +trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the +stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible. +However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles +distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the +department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the +head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never +occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the +sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the +officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I +took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for +life.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I +talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly +happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps; +how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the +ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and +slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go +out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met +an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my +brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and +gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely +the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S." +or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit, +and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will +you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from +which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and +quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip +of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly. +The men were fools—they took the matter as a joke and commenced +exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning +which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the +very act, appreciated the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span>situation and roared with laughter. After +that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new +emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they +took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When +this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything +else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again +in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud +soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man +wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we +were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field."</p> + +<p>The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should +have been the person to get <i>strafed</i>, and not he.</p> + +<p>There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and +carriages.</p> + +<p>I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing +so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had +no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the +start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the +table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business +and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being +cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest +gentlemen. In any case, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span>I decided that if they were cunning the heights +of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience. +I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I +just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We +must have it. We've got to <i>strafe</i> the Germans somehow and it is up to +you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At +any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got.</p> + +<p>I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten +off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the +difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little +common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great +deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee +manufacturers."</p> + +<p>Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street +boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is +how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have +been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an +inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a +little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with +theirs.</p> + +<p>The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he +dislikes killing people by <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>machinery; hence the machinery of war has +never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is +impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes +fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but +optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some +bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's +awful.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XIV</h2> + +<h3>A PREMATURE</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Bethlehem</span>, U. S. A., November, 1917.</p> + +<p>I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have +met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!!</p> + +<p>I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a +spade—and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you +knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that +no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and +those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances +and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy +says.</p> + +<p>But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to +understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they +behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect +disapproval.</p> + +<p>So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily +educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave +themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the +use of an elegant accent called here <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>with a little amusement "English." +It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is +merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks +himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way +superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course, +but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at +once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder.</p> + +<p>In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other +countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you +regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If, +unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also +that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great, +climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then +drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and +your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment.</p> + +<p>No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably +accounts for the fact that Britishers <i>do</i> suffer and are embarrassed +when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is +quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a +snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would +suspect it.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking +about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American +to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who +delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety. +I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who +thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been +extinguished for centuries—and all that sort of thing. In fact, +anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at +once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons +on the continent in the days of peace.</p> + +<p>And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them +down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful. +I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's +College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of +breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They +were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent +disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for +a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been +such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and +unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish +that we could change, because the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>effect over here is most regrettable. +One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not +really an unpleasant people.</p> + +<p>Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here" +and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not +deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game. +All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman +comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior +attitude, although unconsciously.</p> + +<p>The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to +fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the +great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way. +<i>People don't know this.</i></p> + +<p>In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the +Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience +has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through +years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom +they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find +him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us, +but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of +people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An +Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>opportunities for expansion, +and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with +that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An +Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The +Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for +his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of +Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs +from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer. +The thing seems a little bit involved.</p> + +<p>During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of +Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the +whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives, +having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk +here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and +entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head +becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of +huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast +respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses.</p> + +<p>The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one +of two things—either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality, +but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>mark you, +very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans.</p> + +<p>Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is +receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to +entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he +himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and +a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his +mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He +perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war, +though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter.</p> + +<p>Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American +society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment +drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you. +You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a +representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a +gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American +people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know +several British people in America who are not known in polite society, +and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend +diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the +whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without +a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to +the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible +and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like +children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes +them furious, generally the former.</p> + +<p>When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of +either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we +can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We +even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people +may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form +of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even +affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed +in other parts of America, it is <i>de rigeur</i> to say that you are pleased +to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In +England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of +having some ulterior motive. It is not done.</p> + +<p>I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour +mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said +when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He +explained that it was the custom of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>the country and had to be followed. +It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with +the folk here.</p> + +<p>Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people. +Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's +reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a +party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the +wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings. +Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a +certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and +expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together +in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans. +One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so +to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very +interesting tales.</p> + +<p>Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities +amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American +people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we +shall bother to like them?</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XV</h2> + +<h3>"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME"</h3> +<br /> + +<p>I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my +friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England. +The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort +of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful +organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an +emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point +is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have +a king and that is all there is about it.</p> + +<p>When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of +this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences +in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and +Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give +up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden +crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the +rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of +government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less +ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span>to understand this. +A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense.</p> + +<p>It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this +country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in +St. Paul's, London, on America's Day.</p> + +<p>They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of +kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England +kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of +Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying +that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the +flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution +to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the +writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when +he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think +that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great +Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the +monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of +the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will +understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a +lot.</p> + +<p>I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us +the most effective form of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>government. A nation is, I suppose, a group +of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make +self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity +and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population, +this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the +needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten, +or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a +difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain +succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the +dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was +astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from +every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the +empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are +greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of +the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British +Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons +have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must +be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just +in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things +at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day +are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We +don't force this loyalty; it just grows.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king +from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such +results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast, +and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to +Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the +national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools, +and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any +part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something +unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little +man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I +wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too, +where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the +greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the +King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we +British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds +together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way +stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child +remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we +believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our +children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies +and even kings and princesses once more people our minds.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in +fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching +visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation +to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its +attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like +children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The +monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us.</p> + +<p>There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy. +We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly +decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in +England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition +party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and +he has <i>the</i> right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in +accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the +royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press, +wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition +ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place. +So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a +new law gentler and sweeter.</p> + +<p>Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous +power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King +Edward, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>some know the influence of our present monarch. All through +this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and +suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our +insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone +somehow.</p> + +<p>The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is +true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has +been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded, +helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of +individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer +for the rest of his life.</p> + +<p>And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we +do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our +foolishness.</p> + +<p>A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and +finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the +palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father, +an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave +him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking +hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the +distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said +very quietly: "I say, Mr. K——, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been +interested in this boy of <i>ours</i> and remember him <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>well." Then the old +man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away +comforted greatly and very proud of his son.</p> + +<p>This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies +our need.</p> + +<p>You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a +king.</p> + +<p>If American people want to understand us they must take this into +account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king +it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this +country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from +a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had +wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the +whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from +an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the +world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that +the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season. +Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still +exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have +become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us +suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed +in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the +king on Salisbury Plain <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>the day before embarkation, and as we marched +past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with +that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through +many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it +helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king +was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we +gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men +of that division are together to-day.</p> + +<p>The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly +over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and +beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to +face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and +awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little +ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming +out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother, +father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day, +and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a +president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among +us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form +of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would +never do for us.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XVI</h2> + +<h3>A NAVAL VICTORY</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +October, 1917.</p> + +<p>I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at +once called up M——, who said that as she was a member of the Motor +Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that +Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said +that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to +occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she +had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward +unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary, +nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany +her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly +turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me +to the demonstration.</p> + +<p>The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as +officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several +hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments, +and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of +Sousa.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span>Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great +conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little, +mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of +course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the +performers.</p> + +<p>He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked +on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The +gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt +rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into +"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous; +however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke +a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather +too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt +militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of +oratorical power.</p> + +<p>We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering +remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W—— stepped +forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and +to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned +out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the +gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a +man dressed as a British <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He +was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an +engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening +dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry +in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started.</p> + +<p>He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in +America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own +men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though +the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have +always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to +shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers +that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed +too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German +propaganda.</p> + +<p>However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal +with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he +had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian +officer, I want to tell you that it is a <i>Damned Lie</i>." He brought the +thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the +Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure.</p> + +<p>A little blood commenced to flow about the stage <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span>at this time and he +was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps +he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know +that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal +columns.</p> + +<p>He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not +in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli +business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled +by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the +wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that +he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and +were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us +there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we +were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly +dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of +the British Empire.</p> + +<p>So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he +waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just +a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly +the while and getting a little like a parson.</p> + +<p>He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I +have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney +paper gave <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor +being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the +chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In +like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous +insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I +wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am +certain did a great deal of good.</p> + +<p>I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express +a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He +mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were +eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche, +and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting +"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the +hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing +in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and +succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family +enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the +blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite +right, but the thing interested me and I wondered.</p> + +<p>Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't +it true that Germany has been <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>guilty of such filthiness that she is +slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have +always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't +it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking +of the <i>Lusitania</i> and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in +Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be +cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who +loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the +Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred?</p> + +<p>I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps +them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of +Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion +of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,—all that sort of thing. She is +bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the +Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten, +licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be.</p> + +<p>As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and +I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed, +except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed" +cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who +have told me have <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't +seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next +to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I +have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I +have heard Fritz admired.</p> + +<p>I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major, +while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get +atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out +with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely +observed that it was very natural.</p> + +<p>Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a +procession of wounded—but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant +with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories +on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face, +and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice +chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been +getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the +German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke +in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross +people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"—as a German +prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I +returned without the helmet and told the story to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span>the major, and he +said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins."</p> + +<p>Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can +hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the +Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been +taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I +knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard +fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either, +and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the +Boche were <i>always</i> dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they +show up badly as sportsmen.</p> + +<p>Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into +the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of +beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace +to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the +newspapers say.</p> + +<p>But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being +affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some +philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how +to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be +stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so +you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A +famous member of my clan, David <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>Livingstone, went about amongst the +most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because +of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like +the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not +let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans +how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not +true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense +of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid, +vulgar thing called hate.</p> + +<p>The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry +officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts +of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little +humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them +some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly, +and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience.</p> + +<p>The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me +seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill, +that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the +top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in +the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the +back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised +as a gunner officer behind <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>the lines, that he had remained with six +wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been +wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines +at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two +German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second +battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in +the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures——!</p> + +<p>And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big +men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return +they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell +them—nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes, +wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if +they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very +easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable +billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes +face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my +service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry +officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that.</p> + +<p>Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a +horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He +was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>the mess at times. +Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several +of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in +capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor +with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench +surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed +tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each +end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had +little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own +trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were +bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was +a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to +the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but +the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He +gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun, +so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement.</p> + +<p>These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and +no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for +killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too +brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the +battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span>attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red +Cross chap to let him die for his country.</p> + +<p>I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what +impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a +pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope +that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that +sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not +sure that it is advisable for us to do it.</p> + +<p>The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at +Chestnut Hill. M——'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at +once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to +the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A—— +liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of +Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was +enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took +him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled, +and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by +the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they +commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew.</p> + +<p>I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think +that it could not be helped and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span>that perhaps the men made better +fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France +and "Flounders" I may feel the same.</p> + +<p>At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time. +They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they +know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are +appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our +men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number +of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with +"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man +has when you are not employing him!</p> + +<p>Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys +stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure, +one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!"</p> + +<p>I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I +always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the +world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are +ashamed of it.</p> + +<p>If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away +with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves, +too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XVII</h2> + +<h3>POISONOUS GAS</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +November, 1917</p> + +<p>I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is +not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and +the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is +all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting +hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally +speak at club luncheons and dinners.</p> + +<p>One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood +club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful +evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My +turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine +talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and +I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up +and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness +and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny +stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so +much that <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I +did say.</p> + +<p>A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the +club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship +and affection.</p> + +<p>I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When +the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which +had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America +realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to +England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons +to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American +man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At +the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism +always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the +Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and +some shipwrecks.</p> + +<p>Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club +over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading +business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and +endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks +for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock +goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>address. I rather love the +Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members +behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many +cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought, +even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to +swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen +business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the +business world.</p> + +<p>Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I +even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia +lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people +present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a +graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines. +At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering +described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the +sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all +descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the +Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in +a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days +seemed to be in the air.</p> + +<p>Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It +happened at the Eagle Hotel. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span>One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel +Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at +the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B——, I'll be delighted, +though I am no orator."</p> + +<p>So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr. +B——'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the +people in this burgh have not <i>quite</i> realised the situation. Many are +of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond +of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to +get money for the Red Cross."</p> + +<p>"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B——?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac; +give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that."</p> + +<p>After lunch, Mr. B——, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up. +(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age. +He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face, +hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small +boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the +circus.)</p> + +<p>He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies, +men who have heard the whi——stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen +the burs——ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes +will address you."</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind +a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the +Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one +of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound +and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of +relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz +bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on +to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful.</p> + +<p>Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They +are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're +up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the +rope and burn your poor hands.</p> + +<p>I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience +about the Red Cross <i>à la guerre</i>. Whenever I tried to thrill them they +all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the +trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success. +I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the +war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all +collapsed and I sat down.</p> + +<p>Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to +introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the +chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A +fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home +town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a +small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first +versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out +and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This +was a great help.</p> + +<p>About this eulogizing—my Highland blood helps me to understand; my +English education tells me that it is—well, displaying all your goods +in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says +"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these +eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are +generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things.</p> + +<p>I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food, +chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's +to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and +harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a +lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>on my +chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her, +but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid.</p> + +<p>I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I +were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine +audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth +towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my +year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the +mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got +to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee +heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July, +1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was +paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem.</p> + +<p>Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss +the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They +discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would +be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job. +The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited +upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors, +colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I +said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown +to <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of +Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large +number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had +an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I +was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice +thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet.</p> + +<p>Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I +should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult +for me.</p> + +<p>The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many +fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding +and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas +mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that +should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself +standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people.</p> + +<p>The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and +I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng +of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play +various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into +"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The +people then solemnly repeated the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span>oath of allegiance to the Republic, +while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all +very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a +Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time +as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief +Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his +inspiring address was heard by only a very few.</p> + +<p>Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a +little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building +beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by +the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of +happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I +don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor +British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building +behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke +every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down, +there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I +had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels, +and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass +and tinkling cymbals—Love. I had a very great love for my friends of +Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>between Anglo-Saxons +and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great +patience.</p> + +<p>After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer, +hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans +of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to +France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad, +it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland, +and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you." +One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you +had any power in England."</p> + +<p>Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking. +Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of +the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches +and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for +the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of +talking.</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> +<br /> + +<hr /> +<br /> +<h2>XVIII</h2> + +<h3>THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA</h3> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +December, 1917.</p> + +<p>I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and +have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a +profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred +miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases +out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help +the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going, +at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown, +Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown, +Huntingdon, and Harrisburg.</p> + +<p>At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of +Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania +Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the +Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my +audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people +have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation. +They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism +which is <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display.</p> + +<p>At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming +place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a +little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets, +heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their +journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people, +who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country +in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I +hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who +discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling +in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing +the Boche even unto the last man.</p> + +<p>At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre, +and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone +wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to +gather the attitude of the people.</p> + +<p>We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long +journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for +it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I +enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train, +especially in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span>Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always +find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way.</p> + +<p>I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday +afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the +fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room +was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat.</p> + +<p>A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a +"drummer"—a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its +consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do. +I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the +keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American +character.</p> + +<p>And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling +for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,—I'm not sure +that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for +his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt +a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had +bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind.</p> + +<p>These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off +their job. Their numbers are <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span>great and their customers are always on +the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about +their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal +with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to +make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,—both are +effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for +must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing +their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant +whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men. +He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way.</p> + +<p>The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant +looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I +don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?"</p> + +<p>The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell <i>you</i> anything."</p> + +<p>"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant.</p> + +<p>"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed +son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs +of atrocities."</p> + +<p>The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "<i>Come in!</i>" So the +drummer entered with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span>certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his +desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer, +fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar, +walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over +the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It +was not difficult after that.</p> + +<p>Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather +small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour +in a local club.</p> + +<p>At three-thirty <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest +of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At +Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The +Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience +and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that +men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell +them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all +that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is +not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which +appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before +him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the +greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>poisonous gas by +the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so +unsporting as to resort to such methods.</p> + +<p>Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely +take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing +German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round +of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell, +the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the +world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically +Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months +to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the +British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to +her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam +to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76."</p> + +<p>Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a +fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will +be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is +cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course +there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the +rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks—to endeavor to +foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America. +My objects <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the +newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I +myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much +better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the +world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes +and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he +replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen."</p> + +<p>And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be +forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform +looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope +to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I +told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were +all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even +in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a +little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until +they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American. +They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an +hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated +leaving Washington.</p> + +<p>Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of +the man who was drowned <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>there and who bored all the saints in Paradise +with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy, +although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a +corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him +that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of +his own.</p> + +<p>It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in +the "movie" theatre was small.</p> + +<p>We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic +and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap +would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and +I'm with you."</p> + +<p>Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we +returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I +loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me +by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings.</p> + +<p>I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey +ended.</p> + +<p>I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be +the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes +to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a +solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number +of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous +looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only +because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually +cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students. +Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The +circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and +was showing promise of a useful life.</p> + +<p>I can see it all now; his great friend—for men become great friends in +a college—working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after +he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel +bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend +solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all +very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which +made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that +night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of +us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take +up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight.</p> + +<p>The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of +us who had been swimming <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>received anonymous P. C's. from religious +persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT +YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers +upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we +recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have +since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life +could have been.</p> + +<p>When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England +persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as +they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to +punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be +sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill +them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we +should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the +yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as +children when they played around her and confided their every trouble, +the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing, +friendship—all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to +church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is +Love"—and sometimes even in the day nursery.</p> + +<p>I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>from a whizz-bang. +The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to +think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official +notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men +newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You +can't.</p> + +<p>Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote—trying +to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found +it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and +one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the +fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one +another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course, +follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient +exhausted will have a long convalescence and then—God! what will the +next war be like?</p> + +<p>History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out +at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find +some serum that will inoculate us against it.</p> + +<p>Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the +face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with +their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the +pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks, +so great is its devotion. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>We can see it when by accident we tread upon +the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of +groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes, +begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly. +We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the +face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the +prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the +world, for it is love.</p> + +<p>The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once +the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church +with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she +stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday, +but during the week—Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it +that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch +these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog. +See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets +his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real +thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a +wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his +gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead +driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>at once +showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But +in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not +taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are +to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the +world. It is truly our only chance.</p> + +<p>Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been +applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares, +the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all +irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is +hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or +regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to.</p> + +<p>Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I +suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and +Flanders—a strange place to learn a strange lesson.</p> + +<p>Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with +many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits +back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable."</p> + +<p>And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown +out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just +imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful +consideration deciding to apply the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>antidote I have suggested. In three +days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done. +Perhaps it could be applied in America.</p> + +<p>"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather +wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after +finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia, +according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our +struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just +imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down +Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an +awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course +we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge +battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take +our just deserts, and we will get them.</p> +<br /> + +<p class="right"> +<span class="smcap">Philadelphia</span>, January, 1918.</p> + +<p>I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving +talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our +first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go +from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses +in the Court Houses.</p> + +<p>We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 <span class="smcap">A.M.</span> in the Lehigh +Valley Railroad's charming train <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>called the "Black Diamond." Our party +consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a +British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's +job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough +everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told <i>not</i> to do any talking. I +should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he +had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his +own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility.</p> + +<p>We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and +dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed +to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the +beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a +fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who +advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a +large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two +and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to +sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator, +having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens, +addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for +none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his +jokes missed fire. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to +possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the +folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than +their brethren in the cities.</p> + +<p>I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay +in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to +introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs.</p> + +<p>After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of +young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to +whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They +succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy +any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred +curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at +night and cannot go to sleep.</p> + +<p>The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we +addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground +was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting +from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the +congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more +control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were +sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said, +"Yes, quite <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>so—the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up +there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of +course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience. +The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a +firm desire to get along with the job.</p> + +<p>That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly +large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that +I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This +may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a +good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us +greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club.</p> + +<p>The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every +town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the +spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a +rush. I had friends in Scranton,—a boy and a girl married to one +another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon +my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards +which a great stream of people was advancing.</p> + +<p>I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely +seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some +members <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to +the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I +wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them +that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the +veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly +to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The +mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have +faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with +public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain +preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in +their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have +got hardened to it.</p> + +<p>At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six +hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded +the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when +he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone.</p> + +<p>Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of +the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the +soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and +slowly. The effect was fine.</p> + +<p>After some remarks on the part of the chairman, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>in which he said that +the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke. +He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before. +It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a +British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in +regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an +hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four +thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly +Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very +easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and +they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour, +and I have lived with the British Tommy.</p> + +<p>The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful +audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen +and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their +town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in +for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a +citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is +about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this +war is over, I am quite sure.</p> + +<p>That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>Apparently the +audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a +reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk +of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice +folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of +course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I +daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the +war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity +to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly +interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what +they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two +meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled +with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing +through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled +with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing +through." It is a pity that they could not have met.</p> + +<p>We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm +which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and +Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man +who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and +Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to +the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk +there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective +sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up.</p> + +<p>After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and +addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York, +Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would +be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm.</p> + +<p>York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent +hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little +way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during +the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water +therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice. +The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief +residential street,—an avenue called after one of the kings of England.</p> + +<p>The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It +was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have +dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five +minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the +battlefield, but there <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span>were several feet of snow, so it was difficult. +However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves +occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The +weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including +some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic.</p> + +<p>The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and +he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it +"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French.</p> + +<p>Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined +us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first +days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with +us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling +community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much +enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who +desired to enter.</p> + +<p>The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an +English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built +before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the +senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the +American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many +stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of +buildings.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our +entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves +were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour +of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort +seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind.</p> + +<p>The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all +the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the +inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and +pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about +its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to +Middleburg.</p> + +<p>The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my +last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are +very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to +Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the +ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held +at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant +seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the +hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their +interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To +me there seemed in <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>this charming little community the spirit of the men +of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the +British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were +fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true, +nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed +me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British +people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in +view—the downfall of futile autocracy.</p> + +<p>The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in +the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little +towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride +creeps over him when he makes the discovery.</p> + +<p>How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were +in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when +they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length +and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might +do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital. +Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and +little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators +address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know +about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right +pitch and the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>Government will then have a certain quantity to base +their plans upon.</p> + +<p>At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism +that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all +mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great +big composite mistake of unpreparedness.</p> + +<p>I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to +town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to +win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but +that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this +is going to be a wonderful help to us.</p> + +<p>I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during +the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks +in the distance shine with a very rosy light."</p> + +<p>And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman +if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle +Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will +not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and +the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there, +smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him +too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face +when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!"</p> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> +<br /> + +<div class="tr"> +<p class="cen"><a name="TN" id="TN"></a>Transcriber's Note</p> +<br /> + +Some inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in +the original document has been preserved.<br /> +<br /> +Typographical errors corrected in the text:<br /> +<br /> +Page 9 Day's changed to Days'<br /> +Page 16 traveling changed to travelling<br /> +Page 85 damndest changed to damnedest<br /> +Page 115 Chilians changed to Chileans<br /> +Page 116 Chilian changed to Chilean<br /> +Page 118 fall changed to fail<br /> +Page 119 Chilian changed to Chilean<br /> +Page 128 possesser changed to possessor<br /> +Page 197 woud changed to would<br /> +Page 201 German's changed to Germans<br /> +Page 214 eulogise changed to eulogize<br /> +Page 215 eulogising changed to eulogizing<br /> +Page 231 stronge changed to strange<br /> +Page 242 traveler changed to traveller<br /> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + +***** This file should be named 35104-h.htm or 35104-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/1/0/35104/ + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Over Here + Impressions of America by a British officer + +Author: Hector MacQuarrie + +Release Date: January 28, 2011 [EBook #35104] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + + + + + + + + + OVER HERE + + + + + ============================= + THE STORY OF "OVER THERE" + EVERY AMERICAN SHOULD READ IT + ----------------------------- + + HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT + + BY HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab. + Lieutenant, Royal Field Artillery + + Illustrated, $1.35 net + + "A Masterpiece"--NEW YORK SUN + + +_Your Son, Brother or Friend in Arms_ + + It is your duty to instruct and advise him as to what is in + store for him at the front. This book will give you the + facts,--read it and counsel your boy for his physical and + spiritual good, or better still send him a copy and call his + attention to the chapters that you think will be of the + greatest value to him. + +_If You Are an American_ + + Read it for the true facts it will give you of the living + and working and fighting under actual war conditions. It + will help you understand what difficulties face our army, + both officers and men, in France. You will thereafter read + the war news and letters from the front with deeper sympathy + and greater understanding. + +[Illustration] + + + + + OVER HERE + + IMPRESSIONS OF AMERICA + BY A BRITISH OFFICER + + + + HECTOR MACQUARRIE, B.A., Cantab. + + SECOND LIEUTENANT, ROYAL FIELD ARTILLERY + + AUTHOR OF "HOW TO LIVE AT THE FRONT" + + + + [Illustration] + + + + PHILADELPHIA AND LONDON + J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + 1918 + + + + + COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + + PUBLISHED APRIL, 1918 + + PRINTED BY J. B. LIPPINCOTT COMPANY + AT THE WASHINGTON SQUARE PRESS + PHILADELPHIA, U. S. A. + + + + + TO THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER + A MacQUARRIE OF ULVA WHO + DIED ON DECEMBER 24, 1917 + THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED + + + + +PREFACE + +A DEFENSIVE BARRAGE + + +During a year spent largely in Pennsylvania, with occasional visits to +other states, I have found little to criticise, but rather much to +admire, much indeed to love. America now means a great deal to me, since +it contains so many people that I have learnt to care for, so I want to +let my cousins as well as my own countrymen know my thoughts. + +From the day that I landed in New York until the present moment, I have +been treated with a kindliness that surpasses anything I thought possible +in this world. I have been able to see, I hope, where misunderstanding +has arisen, and, being a Highland Scotchman, I am able to express my +feelings. + +I have written more about persons than about places. Sometimes I laugh a +little, but never unkindly; and I do this because I realize that +American people rather appreciate a joke even at their own expense. + +Often I have heard, over here, that it is impossible for an Englishman +to see a good joke. A man told me once that the Kaiser was disguising +his submarines as jests, with an obvious design. The idea was interesting +to me, because if there is one thing that we Britons pride ourselves +upon, it is our sense of humour. Of course, the explanation is obvious. +Most humour is based upon the surprising incidents and coincidents of +domestic relations, and how on earth are we poor British to appreciate +specious American humour when we know nothing of American home life, and +but little of American society? + +When I arrived here first, I regarded the funny page of a newspaper as +pure drivel; now I never miss having a good laugh when I read it. I have +become educated. Once or twice in these letters I have slanged my own +countrymen, but my American friends will not misunderstand, I am quite +sure. If I were an American, perhaps I should have the right to +criticise the American people. + +During these times of stress it is difficult to concentrate upon +anything not connected with the war, and so these papers have been +written, sometimes sitting in a parlor car, sometimes at peace in my +room at Bethlehem, and sometimes at meetings while awaiting my turn to +speak. So I apologize for much that is careless in my effort towards +good English, hoping that my readers will realize that while I desire to +amuse them, still underlying much that is flippant, there is a definite +hope that I shall succeed just a little in helping to cement a strong +intelligent friendship between the two great Anglo-Saxon nations. + + HECTOR MACQUARRIE. + + BETHLEHEM, PA., November, 1917. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + CHAPTER PAGE + + I. A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA 11 + + II. NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE + MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY" 17 + + III. SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS" 36 + + IV. "VERY'S LIGHTS" 46 + + V. A CHRISTMAS TRUCE 52 + + VI. GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! + THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF BECOMING BURIED 77 + + VII. SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT 84 + + VIII. LACRYMATORY SHELLS 95 + + IX. SHELLS 113 + + X. SUBMARINES 129 + + XI. AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT 137 + + XII. SIX DAY'S LEAVE 146 + + XIII. GUNS AND CARRIAGES 162 + + XIV. A PREMATURE 180 + + XV. "BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME" 188 + + XVI. A NAVAL VICTORY 196 + + XVII. POISONOUS GAS 209 + + XVIII. THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA 219 + + + + +OVER HERE + + + + +I + +A NAVAL BATTLE FOLLOWED BY SERVICE AT SEA + + + R. M. S. BEGONIA, Atlantic Ocean, + August 30, 1917. + +When I was told that I should possibly visit America I was not quite +certain how I liked the idea. To be sure I had never been to the United +States, but to leave the comparative peace of the war zone to spend my +days amidst the noise and racket of machine shops and steel mills, +accompanied by civilians, was not altogether attractive. Nevertheless +there was a great deal that seemed interesting in the scheme, and on the +whole I felt glad. + +After being invalided from Ypres I had spent some time in a convalescent +home, and I finally joined a reserve brigade on what is termed "light +duty." While here, I was ordered to hold myself in readiness to proceed +to America as an inspector of production, which meant that I was to help +in every possible way the production of guns and carriages. My job would +be to help the main contractor as far as possible by visiting the +sub-contractors, and by letting the people at home know (through the +proper channels) of anything that would assist the manufacturer. + +My ideas about America are slightly mixed. Like all my countrymen, I +rather refuse to acknowledge the independence of the United States. They +are relations, and who ever heard of cousins maintaining diplomatic +relations amongst themselves and being independent at the same time. Of +course, many cousins, especially of the enthusiastic and original type, +rather seek a certain independence, but, alas, they never get it; so we +still regard the American people as part of ourselves, and, of course, +make a point of showing them the more unpleasant features of their +national character. Of course, they may enjoy this, but on the other +hand, they may not. I don't know. Perhaps I shall find out. + +It is a little difficult to understand their attitude in regard to the +Germans. We dislike them. They ought to. + +However, before proceeding to America, I was ordered to tour the +munition plants of the British Isles. I enjoyed this very much and was +astonished at the cleverness displayed by my fellow countrymen, and +especially by my fellow countrywomen. The latter were seen by the +thousands. Some were hard at work on turret lathes turning out fuses +like tin tacks. Others, alleged by my guide to be "society women," +whatever that may mean, were doing work of a more difficult nature. They +were dressed in khaki overalls and looked attractive. Some young persons +merely went about in a graceful manner wielding brooms, sweeping up the +floor. There always seemed a young lady in front of one, sweeping up the +floor. I felt like doffing my cap with a graceful sweep and saying, +"Madam, permit me." I was examining a great big 9.2 Howitzer gun and +carriage ready for proof, and I found three old ladies sitting behind it +having a really good old gossip. They hopped up in some confusion and +looked rather guilty, as I at once felt. This used to be called +"pointing" when I worked in a machine shop. I saw the luncheon rooms +provided for the women. When women do things there is always a graceful +touch about somewhere which is unmistakable. The men in charge of +several of the plants I visited remarked that, generally speaking, the +women were more easily managed than the men, except when they were +closely related to the men, and that then awkward situations sometimes +arose. I believe there is a lady in charge called a moral forewoman. + +The women have to wear a sort of bathing cap over their hair. Some of +them hate this--naturally. A woman's glory has been alleged to be her +hair, but this remark was made before the modern wig was developed, so I +don't know whether it applies now or not. However, the order has to be +insisted upon. One poor girl, working a crane, had her hair caught in +the pinions, and unfortunately lost most of her scalp. I won't vouch +for the truth of this statement, but a full typed account of the +accident was being circulated while I was visiting several large +munition plants. Of course, the object was to let the ladies see, that +while their glory might be manifested to the workmen for a time, there +were certain risks of losing the glory altogether--and was it worth +while? + +I visited Glasgow and saw many wonderful things. In a weak endeavour to +jump over a table, I caught my foot somehow or other, and came an awful +cropper on my elbow, and I nearly died with pain, but after three days +in the hospital I started off on my journey. Later I received an army +form charging me with thirty days' ration allowance for time spent in +Glasgow Military Hospital. I refused to sign this, but I dare say they +will get the money all right; however, I won't know about it, and that +is all that matters. + +Finally, I returned to London, and after passing with some difficulty a +rigid examination presided over by my chief, I lunched with him at the +Reform Club, and then spent a few busy hours buying civilian clothes. +Later I met my Major's wife who was in a worried condition over one big +thing and another little thing. The big trouble was caused by her +husband's unfortunate collision with a 5.9 shell; the little thing was +caused by the fact that the Major's Airedale, Jack, had had an +unfortunate incident with a harmless lamb, which made his stay in the +country difficult, if not impossible. I had to relieve her of Jack so +that all her attention might be devoted to the Major. The next day, I +took him home to the country, hoping that the lady of the manor would +suggest his staying there. She might have done so if he had shown an +humble spirit. He dashed into the pond, disturbed the life out of the +tiny moorhens, and, worse still, sent scurrying into the air about a +dozen tame wild duck. This sealed his fate as regards the manor, so I +decided that he would have to go to America with me. I had few +objections, but I regretted that he was so big. + +He caused me much trouble and a little anxiety, but finally I got him +safely on board the Cunarder. The captain seemed to like him all right, +and so did many passengers, but he made much noise and eventually had to +spend the greater part of his life in an unpleasant dungeon on one of +the lower decks. Here he was accompanied by a well bred wire-haired fox +terrier. This fox terrier gave birth, during the voyage, to seven little +puppies, and the purser alleged that he would charge freight for eight +dogs; thereby showing a commercial spirit but little humour, or perhaps +too much humour. + +These notes are being written during the last days of the journey. I am +enjoying the whole thing. I sit at the Captain's table accompanied by +another officer from the navy, a correspondent of the _Daily Mail_, and +a Bostonian and his wife whom I love rather, since I have always liked +Oliver Wendell Holmes. The Bostonian is a splendid chap, turned out in +an English cut suit which he hates because it seems to him too loose. I +think that he looks ripping. I always agree with his arguments, feeling +it to be safer; but I had to put in just a mild protest, when he +observed that America could equip an army in six weeks, that would lick +any Continental army. Of course, this showed some optimism, and a great +faith. + +We were comparatively happy, however, until the naval chap had an +unfortunate altercation with the Bostonian. They both meant well, I am +sure, but sea travelling often changes the mental perspective of people, +and the Bostonian sought another table. + +We expect to arrive in two days and I am looking forward to seeing New +York and the skyscrapers. + + + + +II + +NEW YORK SHELLED WITH SHRAPNEL AND AN ENTRANCE MADE TO THE "HOLY CITY" + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. + +After passing through several days of dense fog we at last arrived off +the Statue of Liberty, and commenced to thread our way up the Hudson +River. + +What a wonderful approach New York has. I felt that anything merely +"American" ought not to be so beautiful. It ought to have been flimsy +and cheap looking. My mind rushed back to London and Tilbury Docks, +where upon arrival one feels most depressed. For dear old London cannot +impress a stranger when he first gets there. + +The colouring of the great skyscrapers is so beautiful, sometimes white, +sometimes rusty red, always gay and cheerful. Besides being marvellous +products of engineering skill, they display architectural beauty. When +man tries to vie with nature in matters of beauty, he generally comes +off second best, but the high buildings when seen from the Hudson at +dusk approach very closely to nature's own loveliness. Cheery little +puffs of snowy white steam float around, and when the lights start to +twinkle from every window one thinks of fairy land. In the dusk the +buildings seem to form a great natural cliff, all jagged and decently +untidy. + +Finally, we were safely docked and the naval fellow and I were at a loss +to know where to go, until we were met by an energetic looking man with +a kindly face, called Captain H----. I have never been able to decide +whether this chap is an American citizen, an officer in the Canadian +army, a sea captain, or what. + +This officer was a great help to us in getting through the customs. He +expressed astonishment at the large amount of baggage possessed by the +naval walla and myself. He remarked bitingly that he had travelled +around the world with a "grip." We believed it. I dared not tell him +about Jack. I was unable to land that gentleman until he had been +appraised, so I said nothing about him. Finally we got into a taxi, an +untidy looking conveyance, and commenced to drive through the streets of +New York to our hotel. I noted that the people living near and around +the docks had almost a Southern European appearance. There seemed to be +numbers of fruit stands, and the windows in all the houses had shades of +variegated colours, mostly maroon and grey. + +We drove up Fifth Avenue and finally reached our hotel. I am not going +to give you now my impressions of New York. I always think that it is an +impertinence to write about a city when one has only dwelt in it a few +days. I thought, however, that the road seemed a bit bumpy, and I must +admit that I disliked the taxicab. + +Arriving at the hotel we walked up some elegant steps and approached a +place suggesting almost a throne, or a row of stalls in a cathedral. +There was a counter in front, and behind it there stood several men, +very clean looking and superior. With these our guide held converse. He +spoke in a low and ingratiating voice, very humble. The chap behind the +desk, a fellow with black curly hair and an anxious, competent +expression, did not lower his voice, but looked disdainfully at him and +finally agreed to let us have some rooms. The American hotel clerks, the +"e" pronounced as in jerk, are veritable tyrants. Someone said that +America having refused to have kings and dukes, had enthroned hotel +clerks and head waiters in their places. + +We had a charming luncheon. During the meal we listened to perfectly +ripping music. Amidst the sound of the violins and other things the soft +tones of a pipe-organ could be heard; the music was sweet and mellow and +the players seemed to be hidden. As a matter of fact, they were in a +gallery near the roof. Unlike in some London restaurants, one could hear +oneself speak. + +American food and its manner of being served differs from ours. I think +it is much nicer. H---- ordered the meal, which we liked very much. We +had clams, which are somewhat like the cockles one gets on the English +coast, but are much larger. They are served daintily amidst a lot of +mushy ice. One "eats" bread and butter throughout the meal instead of +"playing" with it as we do. + +After luncheon, we went down town to interview our respective superiors. +I found my chief in the Mutual Building. He is a humourous Scotchman of +the Lowland variety, with a kindly eye and a good deal of his Scotch +accent left. I liked him at once, and we had a long chat about common +friends in England. He put me in the hands of an Englishman whose duty +it was to look after my reports, etc. This man seemed a keen sort of +fellow. Unfortunately, he decided at once that I belonged to the effete +aristocracy--why I don't know--and with his keen manner let me know it. +He was the sort of man who makes a fellow feel himself to be entirely +useless and unnecessary. I felt depressed after leaving him. As a matter +of fact, I have been told that he has done a large amount of work for us +and is a splendid chap. + +Later he confided to H----, and H---- confided to us, that a man who +could bring a well bred and valuable Airedale across the Atlantic in war +time could not possibly do any work. This was damning to start with, but +it is easily understood. That type of man, possessing terrific will +power allied to well developed efficiency who has reached a good +position, naturally regards with a certain amount of contempt the +fellow who is placed upon equality with him, and who has not had similar +struggles. However, he was very kind to me, and endeavoured to hide his +feelings, with little success, alas! + +I spent four or five days in New York. I went to several shows, amongst +others the Winter Garden and Ziegfeld's Follies; they were very +interesting. The scenery at the latter was distinctly original. I do not +know very much about art, but I am certain that what I saw would come +under the heading of the Futurist School. There was a great deal that +was thoroughly amusing and interesting. Americans seem to have a sense +of fun rather than a sense of humour. Shakespeare is caricatured a great +deal. I thought that much of the dancing, and the performance of the +chorus generally, bordered on the _risque_. There seems, also, to be a +type of _comedienne_ who comes forward and talks to the people in a +diverting way. She is sometimes about forty years old, makes no attempt +to look beautiful, but just says deliciously funny things. She is often +seen and heard in America. I have also seen the same type at La Cigale +in Montmartre. + +It is just a little difficult at first to get the same sort of tobacco +here that one gets in England. The second day after my arrival in New +York, I went into a tobacconist shop to buy a pipe and some tobacco. I +spent about six dollars, and handed the man behind the counter a twenty +dollar bill. Obviously, I was a little unused to American money, but I +naturally expected to get back fourteen dollars. The man gave me four +one dollar bills, then about six smaller bills with twenty-five written +on them, and prepared to bow me out. I looked at the change and saw that +the poor fellow had given me too much. Deciding to be honest I returned +to him and said, "You have given me wrong change." He looked +unconcerned, and going to the cash register subtracted ten more one +dollar bills. I was still more astonished and once more examined my +change. Then I understood that the small bills were coupons, and the +clever gentleman, realizing that I was a stranger and a little worried, +had endeavored to make money. Honesty in this case proved the best +policy. + +I enjoyed these days. I met but few American people. I was very much +overcome with admiration for New York, and I told this to an American +friend. He seemed pleased, but commenced to point out certain drawbacks. +He said that the high buildings were rather awkward things, and that +people walking about on the pavement below were sometimes nearly blown +off their feet during a gale. They formed canyons. He said that the +lighting problem presented difficulties, too, and that he thought the +health of the people might suffer a little if their days were spent in +artificial light. Still he unwillingly admitted that he loved New York. + +The stores where soft drinks are sold are very charming. The drinks are +wonderful and varied, and one sees what appear to be women of quality +perched up on stools drinking what look to be the most delicious drinks. +I should like to test them, and I will some day when I find out their +names. + +One day I was walking down Fifth Avenue, it was very hot, so I entered +what appeared to be a "sweet" shop. Buxom, handsome young women were +behind the long counter, so I approached one and humbly asked for a +"lemon squash." "Wotsat?" she barked, and looked annoyed. "A lemon +squash," I repeated. She seemed to think that I was insulting her, and +her friends gathered around. Finally I said: "Give me anything you like +as long as it is cool." "Got yer check?" she replied. I begged her +pardon. Looking furious, she indicated a small desk behind which another +young lady sat, and I went over and confided in her. She smiled and +explained that I really wanted a lemonade or a lemon phosphate. I denied +any desire for a lemon phosphate. Are not phosphates used for +agricultural purposes? This young lady was awfully decent and said, "How +do you like York?" but before I could reply she said, "York! It's the +finest place in the world." I said I liked it very much indeed, but of +course there were other places, and what sayeth the text, "One star +differeth from another star in glory." All was going well until +"Peanut," a tall animated straw I had known on the ship rushed in +laughing like a jackass. He seemed to regard New York as something too +funny for words, and giggled like an idiot. + +Now I am sure that these young ladies must be very nice, gentle, tame +creatures to people who know them, but they frighten me. I desire only +to please, but the more pleasantly I behave to them the more I seem to +insult them. Some day I am going to enter one of these stores and bark +out my order and see what happens. + +I have now been in Bethlehem about two weeks. P----, a sapper subaltern, +conducted me down to the great steel town. With Jack and all my luggage +we left New York at nine o'clock. + +In order to get to Bethlehem it is necessary to cross the river to +Jersey City. We got on board the ferry boat at West Twenty-third Street, +and after a ten minutes' ride in the large, capacious boat we reached +Jersey City. The trip was very interesting. Arriving at Jersey City, we +had a good deal of trouble with Jack, but finally got him safely stowed +away in a baggage van, and succeeded in finding our chairs in the +Pullman. This was my first experience of American trains. The thing I +was most conscious of was the terrific heat. The windows were open but +gauze screens made to keep the dust out succeeded only in keeping most +of the fresh air from entering. I do not like these American trains. One +may not smoke in the coach, but anyone desiring to do so must retreat to +the end part of the carriage and take a seat in a rather small +compartment. The thing that one is chiefly conscious of on entering this +compartment is the presence of several spittoons. We lunched on the +train, and here I may say that the food arrangements on the American +trains are excellent. One may order almost anything, and the service is +very good. It is impossible to order anything stronger than lemonade, +ginger ale, root beer, and the like; however, one can get ices and cool +things generally and, of course, "Bevo," which looks, smells, and tastes +like beer, but it "hab not the authority," as the coloured porter said. + +After a little over two hours' journey we reached Bethlehem. One's first +impressions of the town are extremely depressing. Upon alighting from +the train one sees old bits of paper lying about, banana skins, peanut +shells, dirt, dust, everything unpleasant and incidentally a very untidy +looking station building. The whole appearance around the place is +suggestive not merely of newness, but worn-out newness. I felt that life +in Bethlehem, judging by the look of the station, would be extremely +depressing. + +We arrived at the Inn, while our luggage came on in a wagon. I decided +to stay for a time at the Eagle Hotel. I registered and asked for a room +"with." That means that I wanted a private bathroom. The clerk on this +occasion was a good-looking boy of about nineteen, assisted by a tall +very pretty dark young lady. + +After getting settled in the room I then thought of Jack, and a negro +boy offered to take him and lock him up in the garage behind the hotel. +This was done and as P---- and I walked away from the hotel we could +hear fierce barking and yelping. + +At the Steel Office, I met one or two of the Steel Company officials and +members of the British Inspection Staff. We walked about throughout the +plant and P---- introduced me to quite a number of the men. Later on I +shall tell a deal about this great Steel Company, so I will not go into +detailed descriptions now. + +These first days were strange and ought to have been interesting, and +they were in many ways. Bethlehem is a strange sort of town. It seems to +be divided by a wide, shallow stream called the Lehigh. On one side the +place is almost suggestive of the East, or Southern Europe. There seem +to be many cheerful electric signs about, and the streets are mostly in +the form of avenues. + +I think that I will not describe towns and places, but rather tell of +the people I meet and the impressions I glean of their characteristics. +Of course, when I give you an impression it will be a purely local one. +In the same way that it is impossible for a stranger in England to judge +us from the writings of Arnold Bennett when he places all his characters +in the five towns, so what I say about Bethlehem will merely tell a +little about the people living in a small town, and a town that has +suddenly grown from importance as a religious centre to the +insignificance of a great steel city, for it must be the products of +this city that will interest the people at large. Now I have lived +before in similar cities in our country, and I know that the attendants +upon great steel furnaces are not at all insignificant, but possess all +the interesting qualities that man is heir to. + +I had a scene with the hotel keeper upon my first return from the steel +plant. He hated my dog and told me that the dog and I together made an +impossible combination for his house, and that I might stay if I +insisted, but _not_ with the dog. + +There was nowhere else to go so I decided that Jack would have to leave +me. I hated it, but finally came to the conclusion that for a person +seriously inclined to serve his country in America, a dog approached +being a nuisance. The petty official American people don't seem to treat +a dog with a great amount of respect. + +Fortunately, a friend--one of the steel officials--offered to look +after him. Jack will guard the steel official's house and will have a +happy home; so that is all right. + +Opposite the Eagle Hotel is a large square sort of building with a low +tower. From the base of the tower rise about eight pillars which support +the belfry above, thus forming an open platform. + +At an early hour, one morning, I was awakened by an extraordinary noise. +At first it reminded me of a salvation army band being played, not very +well. As I awoke the music seemed familiar and my mind at once jumped +back to New Zealand days when I belonged to a Bach Society in which we +found great difficulty in singing anything but the chorales, owing to +the smallness of our numbers. I got up and going to the window saw a +number of men standing on the platform blowing trombones with some +earnestness. They played several of Bach's chorales and then ceased. The +general effect was pleasing. + +After breakfast I asked the landlord what the building opposite was, and +he said it was the Moravian church. He told me that the Moravians had +been in Bethlehem for a long time, and agreed that they were a sect of +sorts. I had often heard of strange sects generating in America like the +Mennonites and Christian Scientists; the Moravians must be a similar +sect. + +I am feeling a little lonely here. I never meet any of my countrymen. I +suppose that they are very busy with their families, and B----, who has +been showing me much attention, is away at the Pocono Mountains with +some friends. I heard to-day that most of the people were returning from +summer resorts quite soon, so perhaps they may prove interesting. I have +met quite a number of the steel men. L---- has very kindly allowed me to +have a desk in his office. He seems a decent sort of chap. I feel, +however, that I may be in his way, but he does not seem to mind, so I +suppose it is all right. + +On Friday morning last, while I was dressing I heard a band approaching +and completing my toilet I stepped out on to the balcony and saw an +extraordinary sight. First of all appeared two men riding horses with +untidy manes, but wearing an important aspect. Following them came a +band playing a stately march, but cheerful. Then came a wonderful +procession of gentlemen wearing spotlessly white breeches, white blazers +edged with purple, straw hats with a purple band and parasols made of +purple and white cloth. Each quarter of the umbrella was either white or +purple. They marched in open formation keeping perfect time. The whole +effect was extremely decorative. There were several hundred of them. I +have heard since that they are the Elks, a sort of secret society, and +they were having a demonstration at Reading. + +The tradesmen, and indeed all the people in Bethlehem, love to process. +(I realize the vulgarity of the verb "process," but I have got to use +it.) Each Elk looked thoroughly happy and contented. I suppose the +climate of this place is telling on the people. It would be difficult to +imagine our tradesmen and business men doing a similar thing. I believe +the idea is to keep up enthusiasm. American men realize the tremendous +value of enthusiasm and they seek to exploit it. They know, too, how we +humans all love to dress up, and so they do dress up. The people looking +on love to see it all, and no one laughs. I don't quite know what the +Elks exist for, but I suppose they form a mutual benefit society of +sorts. I was thrilled with the performance, and hoped that similar +processions would pass often. + +My work at the office, and throughout the shops keeps me very busy. It +is all very new and I feel in a strange world. However, everywhere I go +I am met with the most wonderful kindness imaginable. + +The people seem very interested in the war. It is difficult to get a +true viewpoint of their attitude here. I was not deceived when a fat +looking mature man said with a hoarse laugh that the United States +definition of neutrality was that "They didn't give a hang who licked +the Kaiser first." Another American observed bitterly, "As long as Uncle +Sam hasn't got to do it." So far as I can see, the more careless people +are perfectly content to carry on and are not very interested except to +regard the war as a rather stale thrill. People of this type regard a +decent murder or a fire in the same way. + +The more thoughtful are not quite sure. They have studied history and +want to stick to Washington's advice in regard to entangling alliances. +They feel that we will be able to lick the Boche all right, and they are +with us in the struggle. The entirely careless and futile persons take +different attitudes each day. They sometimes "root" for us, especially +France, whom they regard as very much America's friend. At other times +they take a depressed view, and think that the Boche will win the war. +They sometimes wax rude and make that peculiarly insulting statement +about the British fighting until the last Frenchman dies. + +I have not met many women here, but the few I have met seem to regard us +as fools to fight over nothing. Nevertheless, they sympathize with our +sufferings, as women will. I met one lady last night who seemed to think +that America would be drawn into the war owing to French and British +intrigue, and she expressed thanks to a good Providence who had made her +son's eyes a little wrong so that she would not lose him. She thinks +that he will not be able to do much shooting. They are all very nice to +me, and everywhere I go it seems impossible for the people to show too +much kindness. I am astonished at the beauty of the houses here. They +are all tastefully furnished and one misses the display of wealth. The +houses don't seem to be divided into rooms quite like English houses. +Portieres often divide apartment from apartment, and upon festive +occasions the whole bottom floor can be turned into one large room. The +effect is pleasing, but one perhaps misses a certain snugness, and it +must be difficult for the servants not to hear everything that goes on. +Perhaps the American people think it is a good idea to let their +servants hear the truth, knowing that they will find out most things in +any case. + +On the other side of the river and around the steel plant the people +seem definitely foreign, and it is quite easy to imagine oneself in a +Southern European town. The shops have Greek, Russian, Italian, +Hungarian, and German signs over their doors. It is unnecessary to look +into the store in order to find out what is being sold. One need only +look into the ditch running beside the pavement. Masses of rotting +orange and banana skins will show a fruit store. Much straw and old +pieces of cardboard with lengths of pink tape will indicate a draper's. +Tufts of hair and burnt out matches will show where the barber shop is. + +The people all spit about the streets in this part of the town. I +suppose the streets are cleaned sometimes, but never very well. At any +rate, the whole mass is mixed up together in the mud and slush which +accumulates, and when this dries it is blown into the air and any +citizen passing breathes it. The roads in this part of the town are full +of shell craters and one is bumped to pieces as one motors along. I have +been told that this cannot well be helped. + +The steel plant has caused a terrific influx of people and it is +impossible to house them all. A doctor chap tells me that in many large +rooming houses a bed has always at least two occupants during the +twenty-four hours. When the man goes off to work in the morning, the +fellow who has been working on night shift takes his place. I believe +that soon the two parts of this town are going to join and that then +they will form a city which will be able to borrow enough money to keep +the place in first class order. The people are not poor and indeed there +are sometimes quite thrilling murders, I have heard, for the ignorant +foreigners keep all their money in a chest under their beds or hidden in +some way. I hear that this was caused by clever German propaganda. The +Boche envoys went about and suggested to the people that if the United +States entered the war they would soon be _strafed_ by the fatherland, +and that in any case, the Government would pinch all of their money. + +Opposite the steel works office there are two photographic studios. All +the people photographed are of Southern European blood. One sees happy +brides, merry babies, and last, but not least, many corpses surrounded +by sad but interested relatives. When one of these foreigners dies +things change for him at once. He is placed in a beautiful coffin, lined +with the most comfortable looking fluffy figured satin. His head rests +on a great big cushion. The side of the coffin, called here a casket, is +hinged and falls down, thus forming a couch, on which the dead person +rests. Before the funeral, all the friends, and whoever can get there in +time, group themselves around the corpse and are photographed. If the +coffin is not a very convenient type, it is raised, and one sees the +corpse, dressed in his best clothes, with a watch chain across his +waistcoat, surrounded by all his friends who, I am sure, are looking +their best. Sometimes a sweet wee baby can be seen in the picture, lying +in its expensive coffin, while the father and mother and the other +children stand near. It is a funny idea and a little horrible, I think. +These gruesome photographs are exposed in the front window. It is a +curious thing that the more ignorant amongst us seem to enjoy a good +funeral. + +I expect, that within a couple of years, this town will be a beautiful +city with parks and good roads. The climate is certainly good and the +hills around are fine. The steel company now dominates the place, +business has taken charge of the people here, but the natural beauty of +this spot can never be changed. Let me quote from the writings of a man +who arrived here many years ago. He was very much impressed with the +beauty of the hills: + +"The high hills around Bethlehem in the month of October present a scene +of gorgeous beauty almost beyond description. The foliage of the trees +contains all the tints of the rainbow, but is even more beautiful, if +that is possible, because the colours are more diffused. Some trees, the +pine, the hemlock, and the laurel still retain their vivid green; the +sycamore its sombre brown; the maple, the beauty of the wood and valley, +is parti coloured; its leaves, green at first, soon turn into a +brilliant red and yellow; the sturdy oak is clothed in purple, the gum +is dressed in brilliant red; the sumac bushes are covered with leaves of +brightest crimson; the beech with those of a delicate pale yellow almost +white; the chestnut a buff; while the noble hickory hangs with golden +pendants; the dogwood has its deep rich red leaves and clusters of +berries of a brighter red." + +In spite of the great steel plant, Bethlehem still nests in a very +lovely valley, and during the autumn the hills are just as gorgeously +beautiful as when John Hill Martin, the writer of the above, visited the +town. + + + + +III + +SOCIAL AMENITIES IN "BACK BILLETS" + + + BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917. + +A Country Club seems to be an American institution. We don't seem to +have them. They are primarily for the folk who live in towns. American +folk like to get together as much as possible and to be sociable. +Please remember that all my friends here are steel people and generally +rich. Some belong to quite old families, but whatever they are they have +all got something attractive about them. + +It would be quite possible for most of them to build huge castles in the +country, and to live there during the summer, away out from the noise +and dirt; but they don't. They like to be all together, so they build +beautiful houses quite close up to the street, with no fences around +them. Pleasant and well kept lawns go right down to the road, and anyone +can walk on the grass. A single street possibly contains the houses of +several wealthy families. They all rush about together and give +wonderful dinners. As their number is not great, the diners ought to get +a little tired of one another, but they don't seem to. I have had the +honour of attending many of these dinners. They are fine. The women +dress beautifully, and often tastefully and the dinner goes merrily on, +everyone talking at once. We are all fearfully happy and young. No one +grows up here in America. It's fine to feel young. We start off in quite +a dignified fashion, but before the chicken or goose arrives we are all +happy and cheerful. + +It is impossible to be bored in Bethlehem at a good dinner. I suppose +the object of a hostess is to make her guests happy. Most men here in +Jericho work fearfully hard. Men in England often go to Paris or London +to have a really hilarious time. In Bethlehem a man can be amused at +home with his own wife and friends, and he certainly is. He may be fifty +and a king of industry, but that does not prevent him from being the +jolliest fellow in the world and brimming over with fun. + +Perhaps Bethlehem is a little different from most towns in this country. +A man here becomes rich; he has attained riches generally because he is +a thundering good fellow--a leader of men. That is the point. One used +to think of a wealthy American man as a rather vulgar person with coarse +manners. American men have good manners, as a rule. They have better +manners than we have, especially towards women. + +Now the folk like to be in the country at times, but they don't care to +be alone in enjoying it. Also, they like golf and tennis, so a club is +established about six miles out from a town. The actual building is +large and tastefully decorated. It displays American architecture at its +very best. There are generally three large rooms with folding doors or +portieres, and beautifully carpeted. The whole floor can be turned into +a dancing room with tables all around, so that one may both dance and +eat. Dinner starts off mildly; one gets through the soup, looks at one's +partner and mentally decides how many dances one will have with her. She +may be fat, slender, skinny, beautiful; she may be old, middle aged, or +a flapper, but whatever she is she can dance. It is all interesting. If +one's partner is nineteen or twenty she can dance well, and it behooves +a new man to be careful. + +I can dance the English waltz, I believe, but I can't at present dance +anything else but the one-step. I find this exhilarating, but I have to +confine myself to ladies of thirty-five and upwards, who realize the +situation, and we dash around in a cheerful manner, much to the +annoyance of the debutante. I have not danced with any very young people +yet. I would not dare. + +If you are a particularly bad dancer, after the first halt, caused by +the orchestra stopping, a young male friend of hers will "cut in" on +you, and you are left, and your opportunity of dancing with mademoiselle +for more than one length of the room is gone. American young men will +never allow a debutante to suffer. In any case she arranges with a batch +of young friends to "cut in" if you are seen dancing with her. It is all +done very gracefully. To dance with an American debutante requires +skill. She dances beautifully. Her body swings gracefully with the +music, her feet seem to be elastic. At all costs you must not be at all +rough. You must let your feet become as elastic as hers and delicately +and gently swing with the music. + +Although the fox-trot and the one-step are now in vogue, there is +nothing that is not nice about these dances when danced by two young +people. If your partner is a good dancer it is impossible to dance for +very long with her. A sturdy swain approaches with a smile and says to +you, "May I cut in?" She bows gracefully and you are lost. At all costs +this must be taken cheerfully. The first time it occurred to me I +replied, "Certainly not." I now know that I was guilty of a breach of +etiquette. + +If you are dancing with an indifferent dancer, there is no danger of +being "cut in" on. If your object in dancing with a lady is purely a +matter of duty, you shamelessly arrange with several friends to "cut in" +on you, meanwhile promising to do likewise for them. Ungallant this, but +it ensures the lady having a dance with several people which perhaps she +would not otherwise get, and she understands. Generally speaking there +are no "wall flowers." They retire upstairs to powder their noses. + +There is the mature lady, fair, fat and forty, who dances about with a +cheery fellow her own age. Enjoyment shines from their faces as they +one-step, suggesting a quick stately march let loose. The lady wears a +broad hat suitably decorated and a "shirtwaist" of fitting dimensions. A +string of pearls encircles her neck. One sees charming stockings, and +beautiful shoes covering quite small feet. This must be a great +compensation to a woman at her prime--her feet. They can be made +charming when nicely decorated. The face is generally good looking and +sometimes looks suitably wicked. It is well powdered, and perhaps just a +little rouged. One sees some wonderful diamonds, too. + +Perhaps I have seen things just a little vaguely owing to American +cocktails. We can't make cocktails in England as they do in America, and +that is a fact. The very names given to them here are attractive: Jack +Rose, Clover Club, Manhattan, Bronx, and numerous others. They are well +decorated, too. + +The really exciting time at a country club is on Saturday night. In +Bethlehem where there are no theatres, all the fashionable folk motor +out to the country club for dinner. Generally the dancing space is +fairly crowded and a little irritating for the debutantes. Still they +are quite good-natured about it and only smile when a large freight +locomotive in the form of mama and papa collides with them. + +After about fifteen minutes, while one is eating an entree, the music +starts, and if your partner consents, you get up and dance for about ten +minutes and then return to the entree, now cold. This goes on during the +whole dinner. I wonder if it aids digestion. + +After dinner we all leave the tables and spread ourselves about the +large rooms. The ladies generally sit about, and the men go downstairs. +This presents possibilities. However, most of one's time is spent +upstairs with the women folk. Dancing generally goes on until about +midnight, and then the more fashionable among us go into the house of a +couple of bachelors. Here we sit about and have quite diverting times. +Finally at about two o'clock we adjourn to our respective homes and +awake in the morning a little tired. However, this is compensated for by +the cocktail party the next day. + +What pitfalls there are for the unwary! + +One night, during a party at the club, a very great friend of mine asked +me to come over to her house at noon the next day. I took this, in my +ignorance, to be an invitation to lunch, and the next morning I called +her up and said that I had forgotten at what time she expected me _to +lunch_. "Come along at twelve o'clock, Mac," she replied. I found crowds +of people there and wondered how they were all going to be seated at +the table, and then I understood. I tried to leave with the others at +about twelve forty-five, but my hostess told me that she expected me to +stay for lunch. Of course, she had to do this, owing to my mentioning +lunch when I called up. Still it was a little awkward. + +About cocktail parties--well, I don't quite know. I rather suspect that +they are bad things. They always seem to remind me of the remark in the +Bible about the disciples when they spake with tongues and some one +said: "These men are wine bibbers." I rather think that cocktail parties +are a form of wine bibbing. Still they play an important part in the +life of some people, and I had better tell you about them. As a matter +of fact, quite a large number of people at a cocktail party don't drink +cocktails at all, and in any case, they are taken in a very small +shallow glass. The sort one usually gets at a cocktail party is the +Bronx or Martini variety. The former consists, I believe, largely of gin +and orange juice and has a very cheering effect. People mostly walk +about and chat about nothing in particular. They are generally on their +way home from church and nicely dressed. + +It is unpleasant to see girls drinking cocktails. Our breeding gives us +all a certain reserve of strength to stick to our ideals. A few +cocktails, sometimes even one, helps to knock this down and the results +are often regrettable. People talk about things sometimes that are +usually regarded as sacred and there are children about, for the next in +power after madame in an American household is the offspring of the +house. Still quite nice American girls drink cocktails, although nearly +always their men folk dislike it. In Bethlehem, however, I have never +seen a girl friend drink anything stronger than orangeade. That is what +I love about my friends in Bethlehem. Some of them have had a fairly +hard struggle to get on. They don't whine about it or even boast, but +they are firmly decided in their effort to give their daughters every +opportunity to be even more perfect gentlewomen than they are naturally. +Still some quite young American girls drink cocktails and then become +quite amusing and very witty, and one decides that they are priceless +companions, but out of the question as wives. + +When a Britisher marries a French or a Spanish girl, there are often +difficulties before she becomes accustomed to her new environment. +Neither American people nor English people expect any difficulties at +all when their children intermarry. And yet they do occur, and are +either humourous or tragic, quite often the latter. So I would say to +the Britisher, if you ever marry an American girl, look out. She will +either be the very best sort of wife a man could possibly have, or she +will be the other thing. It will be necessary for you to humour her as +much as possible. Like a horse with a delicate mouth, she requires good +hands. Don't marry her unless you love her. Don't marry her for her +money, or you will regret it. She is no fool and she will expect full +value for all she gives. The terrible thing is that she may believe you +to be a member of the aristocracy, and she will expect to go about in +the very best society in London. If you are not a member of the smart +set and take her to live in the country she may like it all right, but +the chances are that she will cry a good deal, get a bad cold, which +will develop into consumption, and possibly die if you don't take her +back to New York. She will never understand the vicar's wife and the +lesser country gentry, and she will loathe the snobbishness of some of +the county people. In the process, she will find you out, and may heaven +help you for, as Solomon said: "It is better to live on the housetop +than inside with a brawling woman," and she will brawl all right. I have +heard of some bitter experiences undergone by young American women. + +There is, of course, no reason in the world why an English fellow should +not marry an American girl if he is fond of her and she will have him. +But it is a little difficult. Sometimes a Britisher arrives here with a +title and is purchased by a young maiden with much money, possibly +several millions, and he takes her back to Blighty. Some American girls +are foolish. The people perhaps dislike her accent and her attitude +towards things in general. He does not know it, of course, but she has +not been received by the very nicest people in her own city, not because +they despise her, but merely because they find the people they have +known all their lives sufficient. You see it is a little difficult for +the child. In America she has been, with the help of her mother perhaps, +a social mountaineer. Social mountaineering is not a pleasing experience +for anyone, especially in America, but we all do it a little, I suppose. +It is a poor sort of business and hardly worth while. When this child +arrives in England she may be definitely found wanting in the same way +that she may have been found wanting in American society, and she is +naturally disappointed and annoyed. When annoyed she will take certain +steps that will shock the vicar's wife, and possibly she will elope with +the chauffeur, all of which will be extremely distressing, though it +will be the fellow's own fault. Of course, she may love him quite a lot, +but she will probably never understand him. I am not sure that she will +always be willing to suffer. Why should she? + + + + +IV + +"VERY'S LIGHTS" + + + BETHLEHEM, December 20, 1917. + +I am steadily becoming a movie "fan," which means that when Douglas +Fairbanks, or Charlie Chaplin, or other cheerful people appear on the +screen at the Lorenz theatre at Bethlehem I appear sitting quite close +up and enjoying myself. It is all very interesting. One sort of gets to +know the people, and indeed to like them. The movies have taken up quite +a large part of our lives in this burgh. One has got to do something, +and if one is a lone bachelor, sitting at home presents but few +attractions. The people in film land are all interesting. + +There is the social leader. I always love her. Her magnificent and +haughty mien thrills me always, as with snowy hair, decent jewels and +what not, she proceeds to impress the others in film land. I am not +going to talk about the vampire. + +Film stories can be divided into three classes--the wild and woolly, the +crazy ones, as we call them here, and the society dramas with a human +interest; and, I forgot, the crook stories. + +The wild and woolly ones are delightful. John Devereaux, bored with his +New York home, and his gentle and elegant mother, decides to visit a +friend out west. He arrives in a strange cart which looks like a spider +on wheels driven by a white haired person wearing a broad brimmed hat +and decorated with several pistols or even only one. He seems to find +himself almost at once in a dancing hall, where wicked-looking though +charming young ladies are dancing with fine handsome young fellows, all +armed to the teeth, and with their hair nicely parted. In the corner of +the room is the boss, sinister and evil looking, talking to as nice +looking a young person as one could possibly meet. The dancing seems to +stop, and then follows a "close up" of the nice looking young person. (A +little disappointing this "close up." A little too much paint +mademoiselle, _n'est ce pas_, on the lips and under the eyes?) Then a +"close up" of the boss. This is very thrilling and the widest +possibilities of terrible things shortly to happen are presented to us +fans, as we see him chew his cigar and move it from one side of his +mouth to the other. They both discuss John Devereaux and then follows a +"close up" of our hero. He is certainly good looking, and his fine +well-made sporting suit fits him well and shows off his strong figure. + +But wait till you see him on a horse which has not a good figure, but an +extremely useful mouth that can be tugged to pieces by John Devereaux as +he wheels him around. I am going to start a mission to movie actors in +horse management, and I am going to dare to tell them that to make a +horse come round quickly and still be able to use him for many years, it +is not necessary to jag his dear old mouth to bits. I am also going to +teach them how to feed a horse so that his bones don't stick out in +parts even if he is a wicked looking pie-bald. I am also going to teach +them that if you have twelve miles to ride it is an awful thing to jag +your spurs into his flanks and make him go like hell. I suppose they +will enjoy my mission, and it will have the same success that all +missions have--but this by the way. + +John Devereaux is a very handsome chap, and I like him from the start, +and I am greatly comforted when I know that the charming young person +will throw her fan in the face of the boss, pinch all his money and live +for a few sad days in extremely old-fashioned but becoming clothes +(generally a striped waist) with another worthy but poor friend, and +then marry our hero. I come away greatly comforted and retire, feeling +that the world without romance would be a dull place. + +I love the crazy ones, I love to see fat old ladies taking headers into +deep ponds. I love to see innocent fruit sellers getting run into by +Henry Ford motors. I love to see dozens of policemen massing and then +suddenly leaving their office and rushing like fury along the road +after--Charlie Chaplin. Give me crazy movies. They are all brimming over +with the most innocent fun and merriment. It is a pity that they are +generally so short, but I suppose the actors get tired after a time. + +The society pictures must impress greatly the tired working woman; a +little pathetic this, really. Perhaps I am ignorant of the doings of the +four hundred, but if they live as the movie people live it must be +strangely diverting to be a noble American. The decorations in their +houses must supply endless hours of exploration, and the wonderful +statuary must help one to attain Nirvana. I've heard of ne'er-do-well +sons, but I did not know they had such amusing times. + +In the society drama, the son leaves his beautiful southern home with +white pillars and his innocent playmate, very pretty and hopeful and +nicely gowned, and finds himself at Yale or Harvard. I wish Cambridge +and Oxford presented the same number of possibilities. Here he meets the +vampire, horrid and beastly, and falls for her and never thinks of his +innocent father and mother solemnly opening the family Bible and saying +a few choice prayers, while the playmate worries in the background, +praying fervently. It is all very sad and becomes heart-rending when the +pretty playmate retires to her room, puts on the most lovely sort of +garment all lace and things, and after praying and looking earnestly at +a crucifix, hops into bed, never forgetting to remove her slippers. Then +the scene stops and she probably curses the fellow working the lights +if he has not got a good shine on her gorgeous hair while she prays. But +don't worry, she marries the son all right. The vamp dies, probably +punctured by a bullet from an old "rough neck" accomplice, or a married +man. + +The court scenes present wonderful possibilities for the services of +some dear old chap as judge. He is an awful nice old fellow. + +They are all the same and bore me stiff unless a rather decent sort of +chap called Ray appears in them and he has a cleansing influence. There +is also a lady called Marsh whom I rather like. Besides being good +looking she can act wonderfully and is always natural. I can stand any +sort of society drama with her in it. Sometimes the heroes are +peculiarly horrible with nasty sloppy long hair, and not nearly as good +looking as the leading man in the best male chorus in New York. + +The crook stories are fine. They take place mostly in underground +cellars. I love the wicked looking old women and fat gentlemen who drink +a great deal. However, there are hair-breadth escapes which thrill one, +and plenty of policemen and clever looking inspectors and so on. + +Seriously, the movies have revolutionized society in many ways. People +like Douglas Fairbanks are a great joy to us all. The people who write +his plays have learnt that it is the touch of nature that counts most in +all things with every one. And so he laughs his way along the screen +journey, and we all enter into movie land, where the sun is shining very +brightly and the trees are very green, and we all live in nice houses, +and meet only nice people with just a few villains thrown in, whom we +can turn into nice people by smiling at them. He changes things for us +sometimes. Rhoda sitting next to Trevor sees him through different eyes +and she gives his hand a good hard squeeze. He is a sort of Peter Pan, +really. + +Mothers in movie land are always jolly and nice. Fathers are often a +little hard, but they come round all right or get killed in an exciting +accident. Generally they come round. The parsons worry me a little. +Being a zealous member of the Church of England, I object strongly to +the sanctimonious air and beautiful silvery hair displayed by ministers +in movie land. They marry people off in no time, too, and a little +promiscuously, I think. + +Except at the Scala, where the pictures used to be good and dull, most +of the movie theatres are a little impossible in Blighty. I wonder why. +In New Zealand there are fine picture theatres and in Australia they are +even better, but if you venture into one in London you want to get out +quick. Here in America they are ventilated, and there is generally a +pipe organ to help one to wallow in sentiment. Often it seems well +played, too, and, at any rate, the darkness and the music blend well +together and one can get into "Never Never Land" quite easily and +comfortably. + + + + +V + +A CHRISTMAS TRUCE + + + BETHLEHEM, U.S.A., January 25, 1917. + +On the twenty-second day of last month, I was preparing to spend a +comparatively happy Christmas at the house of some friends who possessed +many children. Unfortunately, I met the Assistant Superintendent of Shop +No. 2, who, after greeting me in an encouraging manner, said, +"Lootenant, I am very glad to see you, I want your help. We are held up +by the failure of the people in Detroit to deliver trunnion bearings. +Would it be possible for you to run out there and see how they are +getting on, and perhaps you could get them to send a few sets on by +express?" + +That Assistant Superintendent never did like me. + +Now Detroit is a long way from Bethlehem, and at least twenty-four hours +by train, so it looked as though my merry Christmas would be spent in a +Pullman. I'd rather spend Christmas Day in a workhouse, for even there +"the cold bare walls" are alleged to be "bright with garlands of green +and holly," and even bitterly acknowledged by many small artists +reciting that "piece" to help to form a "pleasant sight." But Christmas +Day in a Pullman! And worse still, Christmas night in a sleeper, with +the snorers. Mon Dieu! + +If a person snores within the uttermost limit of my hearing, I must say +good-bye to sleep, no matter how tired I may be. It is a strange thing +how many otherwise nice people snore. Travelling in America has for me +one disadvantage--the fact that one has to sleep, like a dish on a Welsh +dresser, in the same compartment with about forty people, six of whom +surely snore. There is the loud sonorous snore of the merchant prince, +the angry, pugnacious bark of the "drummer," the mature grunt of the +stout lady, and the gentle lisp-like snore of the debutante. You can't +stop them. One would expect "Yankee ingenuity" to find a way out. + +I think that there ought to be a special padded Pullman for the snoring +persons. It ought to be labelled in some way. Perhaps a graceful way +would be to have the car called "Sonora." Then all people should carry +with them a small card labelled, "The bearer of this pass does not +snore," and then the name of a trusted witness or the stamp of a +gramaphone company without the advertisement "His Master's Voice." You +see a person could be placed in a room, and at the moment of sinking +into somnolence, a blank record could start revolving, and be tried out +in the morning. + +Or perhaps the label would read, "The bearer of this card snores." Then +the gramaphone company might advertise a little with the familiar "His +Master's Voice." It would be awful to lose your label if you were a +non-snorer, and then to be placed in the special sleeper. Perhaps there +might be a "neutral" car for the partial snorers. + +I slept in a stateroom on a liner once next to a large man and his large +wife, and they were both determined snorers. They used to run up and +down the scale and never started at the bottom together. It was a nice +mathematical problem to work out when they met in the centre of the +scale. + +As a matter of fact, I don't mind the snoring on a Pullman when the +train gets going, because you cannot hear it then, but sometimes in an +optimistic frame of mind you decide to board the sleeper two hours +before the train starts. Your optimism is never justified, for sure +enough, several people start off. It is useless to hold your hands to +your ears; you imagine you hear it, even if you don't. So possessing +yourself with patience, you read a book, until the train starts. +Asphyxiation sets in very soon, but, alas, the train develops a hot box, +and you awake once more to the same old dreary noises. I hope that soon +they will have that special car. If they don't, the porter ought to be +supplied with a long hooked rake, and as he makes his rounds of +inspection, he should push the noisy people into other positions. This +would look very interesting. + +However, on this journey to Detroit I boarded the train at Bethlehem on +its way to Buffalo and no hot boxes were developed, so I enjoyed a very +peaceful night, although I was slightly disturbed when a dear old lady +mistook my berth for hers, and placed her knee on my chest, and got an +awful fright. That is one of the advantages of taking an "upper" over +here. You have time to head off night walkers because they have got to +get the step-ladder, the Pullman porter is not always asleep, and you +hear them as they puff up the stairs. Although I prefer the little +stateroom cars we have in England, I must admit that the beds in a +Pullman are very large and well supplied with blankets and other +comforts. + +I arrived at Detroit, and after a long chat about the war with the man +who counted most, I suggested that he would be doing us all a great +favour if he sent a few trunnion bearings on by express at once. He +said, "Sure!" I love that American word "Sure." There is something so +intimate, so encouraging about it, even if nothing happens. Detroit is a +wonderful city and the people whom I met there awfully decent. + +I went through several factories, and I must admit that I have seen +nothing in this country to compare with them. There are vaster plants in +the East, but for the display of really efficient organization, give me +Detroit. I liked the careful keenness displayed. There is something +solid, something lasting about Detroit, that struck me at once in spite +of its newness. It is always alleged in the East that the Middle West is +notoriously asleep in regard to national duty, but I rather suspect that +if the time arrives for this country to fight, it will be towns like +Detroit, towards the Middle West, that will be the rapid producers. + +Of course, Henry Ford has his wonderful motor car factory here where he +lets loose upon an astonished world and grateful English vicars of +little wealth, his gasping, highly efficient, but unornamental, metal +arm breakers called by the vulgar "flivvers," and by the more humorous +"tin Lizzies." Having heard so much about this plant, I denied myself +the pleasure of going through it. I hear that it is very wonderful. + +All these remarks are merely offensive impressions and carry but little +weight even in my own mind. Still I definitely refuse to regard the +Middle West as asleep to national duty. + +I left Detroit or rather tried hard and finally succeeded in leaving +that fair city; and still dreading to spend Christmas day in a Pullman I +made up my mind to spend the holidays at Niagara in Ontario. +Incidentally, at Niagara I received a wire from Detroit in the following +words: "Have sent by express four sets of trunnion bearings. A merry +Xmas to you." + +While I am glad to praise Detroit, and especially its best hotel, I +cannot for a single moment admire, or even respect, the time-table kept +by the trains that ran through its beautiful station last month around +Christmas. + +I decided to leave by a train which was alleged to depart at twelve +o'clock. I jumped into a taxi at eleven-fifty. "You're cutting things +pretty fine," said the chauffeur, "but I guess we will make it all +right." Hence we dashed along the road at a pretty rapid rate and I +thought the driver deserved the extra quarter that I gladly gave to him. +I placed my things in the hands of a dark porter and gasped: "Has the +train gone?" My worry was quite unnecessary. In the great hall of the +station there were about three hundred of Henry Ford's satellites going +off on their Christmas vacation, as well as many others. The train that +should have gone six hours before had not arrived. There were no signs +of mine. It seemed to have got lost, for nothing could be told about it. +Other trains were marked up as being anything from three to six hours +overdue. + +After waiting in a queue near the enquiry office for about an hour, I at +last got within speaking distance of the man behind the desk marked +"Information." He could tell me nothing, poor chap. His chin was +twitching just like a fellow after shell shock. Noting my sympathetic +glance, he told me that an enquiry clerk only lasted one-half hour if he +were not assassinated by angry citizens who seemed to blame him for the +trains being late. He denied all responsibility, while admitting the +honour. He said that he was the sixth to be on duty. The rest had been +sent off to the nearest lunatic asylum. At that moment he collapsed and +was carried away on a stretcher, muttering, "They ain't my trains, +feller." Never was such a night. I made several life long friends. All +the food in the buffet got eaten up and the attendant women had quite +lost their tempers and quarreled with anyone who looked at all annoyed. + +After waiting about five hours, I became a little tired. I was past +being annoyed, and expected to spend my life in that station hall, so I +sought food in the buffet. As I approached the two swinging doors, they +opened as if by magic and two good looking, cheery faced boys stood on +each side like footmen and said: "Good evening, Cap." + +"Ha!" thought I to myself, "what discernment! They can tell at once that +I am a military man," so I smile pleasantly upon them and asked them how +they knew that I was an officer in spite of my mufti. They looked +astonished, but quickly regaining their composure, asked what regiment I +belonged to. I told them, and soon we got very friendly and chatty. They +introduced me to several friends who gathered round, and fired many +questions at me in regard to the war. Amongst their number was a huge +person of kindly aspect. One of my early friends whispered that he was +the captain of their football team and a very great person. He said but +little. They explained that they were members of a dramatic club, and +that they had given a performance in Detroit. We chatted a great deal, +and then a fellow of unattractive appearance, and insignificant aspect +remarked: "You British will fight until the last Frenchman dies." He +laughed as he said it. He used the laugh which people who wish to +prevent bodily injury to themselves always use when they insult a +person. It is the laugh of a servant, a laugh which prevents a man from +getting really annoyed. I am glad to say that the rest turned upon him +and I merely said lightly: "There are many fools going about but it is +difficult to catalogue their variety until they make similar remarks to +yours." + +The large football player was particularly annoyed with that chap and +the others remarked that he was a "bloody German." We were much too +tired and weary to talk seriously, but I gathered from these youths that +they were very keen to get across to the other side, to fight the Boche. + +We discussed Canada. It almost seemed that they wanted to sell Canada so +great was the admiration they expressed. They envied the Canadians their +opportunity to fight the Germans. They praised the country, its natural +resources and beauty. They admired the Englishness of their neighbors. +This is an interesting fact: all Americans that I have met cannot speak +too highly of the Canadians. I have heard American women talking with +the greatest of respect about our nation as represented by our people in +Canada and Bermuda. + +After a couple of hours these fellows went off, expressing a desire to +take me with them. In fact, two of them tried hard to persuade me to go +to Chicago in their special. Evidently they had had a good supper. I +hope that I shall meet the large football chap again. + +At about seven in the morning my train at last appeared, and as the sun +was rising, I climbed into my upper berth while the fellow on the lower +groaned, stating that he had the influenza, called "the grip" over here. +This sounded encouraging, for I expected to breathe much of his air. + +I at last arrived at Niagara in Ontario and sought the Inn called +Clifton. It is run very much on English lines and suggests a very large +country cottage in Blighty, with its chintz hangings. All around was a +wide expanse of snow and the falls could be heard roaring in the +distance. I had seen them before, so I promptly had a very hot bath and +lay down and went to sleep in my charming little bedroom with its uneven +roof. + +I am not going to describe the Falls. They are too wonderful and too +mighty for description, but they are not too lovely and not too +wonderful as a great beauty gift from God to prevent us humans from +building great power houses on the cliffs around, and so marring their +beauty. + +I spent a happy Christmas at this house and met several Canadian men +with their women folk who had come down to spend a quiet Christmas. They +were very kind to me and I liked them all immensely. One lady remarked +that it was a very good idea to want to spend Christmas with my own +people. This was astonishing and pleasing, for most of my friends who +had gone over to Canada to do harvesting during the long vacations from +Oxford and Cambridge had hated it. It told me one great thing, however, +that the Canadian people had grown to know us better, and had evidently +decided that every stray home-made Briton was not a remittance man, but +might possibly, in spite of his extraordinary way of speaking English, +be a comparatively normal person possessing no greater number of faults +than other mortals. I found these people very interesting, and one very +charming lady introduced me to the poetry of Rupert Brooke. She had one +of his volumes of poetry containing an introduction detailing his life. + +I read this introduction with much interest. It spoke about the river at +Cambridge, just above "Byron's Pool"--a very familiar spot. I had often +plunged off the dam into the cool depths above and had even cooked +moorhens' eggs on the banks. I will admit that my ignorance of Rupert +Brooke and his genius showed a regrettably uninformed mind. I can only +murmur with the French shop keepers "_c'est la guerre_." These people +made me very much at home and they all had a good English accent--not +the affected kind, but a natural sort of accent. + +American people then came in for their share of criticism. The Canadians +are learning many lessons from us. I think, of course, that America +ought to be in this war, but I do know that all my American men friends +would give their last cent to make the President declare war, and I have +learnt not to mention the subject. + +They were very sympathetic about my having to live with the Yankees. One +very nice man said with a smile, I fear of superiority: "And how do you +like living with the Yankees?" + +I was at a loss to know how to reply. I hate heroics, and I distrust the +person who praises his friends behind their backs with too great a show +of enthusiasm. It is a kind of newspaper talk and suspicious. Besides, I +desired to be effective, to "get across" with praise of my American +friends, so I merely stated all the nice things I had ever heard the +Americans say about Canada and the Canadians. This took me a long time. +They accepted the rebuke like the gentlefolk they were. Still, I thought +the feeling about America was very interesting. + +Upon my return to the States, I mentioned this to a friend and he said +that he knew about the feeling, but he explained that it was really a +pose, and was a survival of the feeling from the old revolution days +when the loyalists took refuge in Canada. I then gathered that my +Canadian friends were merely "high flying after fashion," like Mrs. +Boffin in "Our Mutual Friend." + +I went to church on the Sunday and enjoyed singing "God Save the King." +The minister spoke well, but like the American clergy, he preached an +awfully long sermon. Everything seems to go quickly and rapidly over +here except the sermons. + +I went to a skating rink filled with many soldiers and was asked by a +buxom lass where my uniform was, and why was I not fighting for the +King. I felt slightly annoyed. However, I enjoyed the skating until a +youth in uniform barged into me and passed rude remarks about my +clothing generally. + +This was too much for my temper, so I _strafed_ him until he must have +decided that I was at least a colonel in mufti. He will never be "fresh" +to a stranger again, and he left the rink expecting to be +court-martialled. + +The next day I had influenza, and I remembered my friend in the train at +Detroit. However, I went to Toronto and endeavored to buy a light coat +at a large store. I am not a very small person, but evidently the +attendant disliked me on sight. After he had tried about three coats on +me he remarked pleasantly that they only kept men's things in his +department, so I _strafed_ him, and left Canada by the very next train. +I felt furious. However, I recognised a man I knew on the train whom I +had seen at Popperinge near Ypres. He had been a sergeant in the +Canadian forces, so we sat down and yarned about old days in +"Flounders." He was the dining-room steward. He healed my wounded pride +when I told him about the coat incident and said: "Why didn't you crack +him over the head, sir! Those sort of fellows come in here with their +'Gard Darm'--but I don't take it now. No, sir!" Still it was fine to +visit Canada and I felt very much at home and very proud of the Empire. + +Now in the days of peace I should have come away from Canada with a very +firm determination never to visit the place again, but the war has +changed one's outlook on all things. Still I longed to get back to my +Yankee and well loved friends who don't mind my "peculiar English twang" +a bit. + +I was urged one night at a country club to join a friend at another +table--to have a drink of orangeade. I showed no signs of yielding, so +my friend--he was a great friend--said, "Please, Mac, come over, these +fellows want to hear you speak." They wanted to listen to my words of +wisdom? Not a bit! It was my accent they wanted. But there was no +intention of rudeness; the fellow was too much my friend for that, but +he wanted to interest his companions. Sometimes I have apologised for my +way of speaking, remarking that I could not help it, and at once every +one has said, "For the love of Mike, don't lose your English accent." +Perhaps they meant that as a comedian I presented possibilities. + +It might be a good idea to give you a few impressions of the folk in +Bethlehem. Obviously they can be little else than impressions, and they +can tell you little about Americans as a whole. The people of Bethlehem +divide themselves roughly into six groups--the Moravians (I place them +first), the old nobility, the new aristocracy, the great mass of +well-to-do store-keepers and the like, the working class of Americans, +largely Pennsylvania Dutch, and the strange mixture of weird foreigners +who live in South Bethlehem near and around the steel works. + +But let me tell you about the Moravians; they have been awfully good to +me during the four months I have lived with them. Just to live in the +same town with them helps one quite a lot. + +It is possible that some of my statements may be inaccurate, but I have +had a great deal to do with them, and I don't think that I shall go very +far wrong. + +Anne of Bohemia married King Richard II of England. Obviously large +numbers of her friends and relations visited her during her reign. +Wycliff became at this time fashionable, and these tourists, being +interested in most of the things they saw, doubtlessly had the +opportunity of hearing Wycliff preach. A man of undoubted personality, +otherwise he would not have lived very long, he must have impressed the +less frivolous of Anne's friends, including John Huss who was a very +religious person. The whole thing is interesting. These Bohemians saw +numbers of the aristocracy thoroughly interested in Wycliff. Possibly +they did not understand the intrigue underlying the business, but they +could not have regarded Wycliff's movement as anything else but a +fashionable one. + +John Huss returned to Bohemia and established a church, or reorganised +an older church. For the benefit of those members of the Church of +England and the members of the Episcopal church of America who regard a +belief in Apostolic succession as necessary to their souls' salvation, +it might be well to add that the first Moravian bishop was consecrated +by another bishop. After a time they ceased to be regarded with favour +by the Church of Rome in Bohemia, in spite of their fashionable origin, +so they grew and multiplied. + +Still their struggles were great, and one wonders whether they could +have continued to thrive if it had not been for a friend who appeared +upon the scene to act as their champion. The friend was a certain Count +Zinzendorf, a noble German. He allowed them to establish a small +settlement upon his estates at Herenhorf. + +If they were anything like my friends, their descendants in Bethlehem, +he must have loved them very much. One can easily picture the whole +thing. They were normal persons; they displayed no fanaticism; they had +a simple ritual, and they must have had among their numbers members of +the best families in Bohemia. This would help the count a little. They +had some quaint customs. The women dressed simply but nicely. A young +lady after marriage wore a pretty blue ribbon around her neck. Before +marriage she wore a pink one. I have seen some priceless old pictures in +the archives of the church here in Bethlehem of the sweetest old ladies +in the world, mostly wearing the blue ribbon. The artist must have been +a Moravian himself. The figures are stiff and conventional; the hands +dead and lifeless with pointed fingers--you know the sort of thing--but +the faces are wonderfully drawn. They have all got something +characteristic about them. Sometimes a slight smile, sometimes they look +as though they were a little bored with posing, and one can perhaps get +an idea of their respective natures, by the way they regard the artist. +I felt that I should like to adopt them all as grandmothers. + +Of course, Count Zinzendorf got very much converted, and, possibly +knowing William Penn, he obtained permission for the Moravians to settle +here in Bethlehem. I have skipped a lot of their history. I don't know +much about their early life in America, but they chose the sweetest spot +in this valley for their home. They settled on the north side of the +Lehigh River, a pleasant stream which with several tributaries helped +them to grind their corn. They converted the Indians largely. At any +rate, if you go into the old cemetery you will see the graves of many of +the red-skins. The last of the Mohicans, Tschoop, lies in this cemetery. +I sometimes stroll through this sacred square and read the weird old +inscriptions on the tombs. One dear old lady has her grave in the middle +of the pathway so that people passing may be influenced just a little by +the remarks made by those who knew and loved her. A weird idea, isn't +it? I could write pages about the Moravians, but time and the fact that +I may bore you, and so kill your interest in my friends, prevent me from +saying very much. + +Trombones mean almost everything to a Moravian. To be a member of the +trombone choir is the highest honour a young Moravian can aspire to. +Perhaps interest will die out, perhaps the influence of the huge steel +works now taking complete control of Bethlehem will prevent the boys +from regarding the thing as a terrific honour. + +A member of this choir has much to attend to. When a sister or a brother +dies, the fact is announced to the brethren by the playing of a simple +tune. At the hour of burial the trombones once more play. All +announcements are made from the tower with the aid of the trombone +choir. I cannot say they always play well. I am afraid I don't mind very +much, but the thing in itself is very interesting. + +I was spending a very enjoyable evening at a man's house on the last day +of the old year. At five minutes to twelve I left a cheery crowd of +revellers and rushed along to the Moravian church. A large clock was +ticking out the last minutes of the closing year. A minister was +talking, thanking God for all the good things of the past years and +asking His help in the coming year. He seemed sure that it would be all +right, but we all felt a little fearful of what the next year would +bring. I remembered my last New Year's Eve at the front--it was getting +a little depressing. Finally there were left but two seconds of the old +year. We were all trying to think. The year closed. A mighty burst of +music crashed through the air. The trombones were playing "Now Thank We +All Our God." We all jumped to our feet and commenced to join in. +Depression vanished as in stately fashion we all sang the wonderful +hymn. + +I went back to the party. Most of the people were still there. They were +a handsome crowd of men and women, great friends of mine for the most +part. They seemed happy and cheerful. I wondered what the year would +bring for us all. I wondered if America would be drawn into the war, and +I wondered which crowd of people would be better able to bear the strain +of war--the folk in the Moravian church, or the people at the cheery +party. I think I can guess. The cheery folk represent the type who will +get depressed and unhappy. They will be the spreaders of rumours. They +will be the people who will learn to hope most quickly. They will regard +every small victory as a German rout, and every reverse as a hopeless +defeat. Some amongst them will, of course, find a new life opening up +for them. Still I wonder. + +But the Moravians will take things as they come. They will be the folk +who will encourage and help. They will be able to stand anything--sorrow +and joy, and treat them in the same way. They will give their sons +willingly and gladly, and their men will make the very best kind of +soldiers. Perhaps it is wrong to prophesy, but I think that if the +United States should enter this war, amongst the certain quantities of +this country, the Moravians will have an important place. They are +mostly of Teutonic origin, but at the moment their sympathies are all +with us. They like England and the English, and when I say England and +the English I mean Britain and the Britons. George II was kind to them, +I believe, and they live a great deal in the past. + +I have the honour of knowing several of the trombone choir. I must tell +you about Brother L----. I suspect he is the leader or the conductor of +the trombone choir. He is a dear old chap, rather small and has a black +pointed beard. He is getting on in years now, and always suggests to my +mind that picture of Handel as a boy being found playing the harpsichord +in the attic. You may find it difficult to see the connection. I am not +sure that I do myself. One always feels, however, that hidden away in +that little body of his, there is a divine spark that ought to have had +a bigger opportunity. Perhaps the connection lies in the fact that I +first met him after he had just finished giving Mrs. U----'s son a +lesson on the trombone. Mrs. U----'s husband is not a Moravian, but the +wife is equal to at least two of them, so that makes things equal. +Brother L---- is employed at the steel works, and as I was getting into +an automobile one afternoon early, intent upon visiting a pond near by +to do some skating, I saw brother L---- waiting for a trolley car. I +offered him a lift which he accepted. Now, he had timed the trolley car +to a minute, so that by getting off at Church Street he would reach the +cemetery, his destination, at just the right moment, for an old sister +was being buried. My car went pretty fast, and I remember leaving him +standing in the snow at least eight inches thick. I fear he must have +got frozen, for he had to wait ten minutes. Strangely enough he has +never forgotten the incident, and I am sure that there is nothing in the +world he would not do for me. It is a funny and strange thing that when +one tries to do big things for people, often there is little gratitude +shown, but little things that cause one no trouble often bring a +tremendous reward far outweighing the benefit. + +Now Brother L---- is an American and we who dare to criticise our +cousins never meet this type abroad. He, with many of his brother and +sister Moravians, are my friends. To me they form a tremendous argument +why I should never say an unkind word about the children of Uncle Sam. I +have no desire to become a Moravian, but I like them very much. Before I +finish wearing you out with these descriptions of my friends I must tell +you all about the "Putz." + +One night I was the guest of a local club. It was early in December and +we were spending an extremely amusing evening. At about eleven o'clock, +all the women folk having departed, one fellow came up to me and said: +"Say, Captain, we have a barrel of sherry in the cellar, would you like +a glass?" A small party had collected near me at the time, so we all +descended to a sort of catacomb where a small barrel of sherry was +enthroned. I took a glass and found it very dry, and not very nice. I +was offered another but refused. It is difficult to refuse a drink +offered by a good looking American boy, so finally I held the glass, +took a tiny sip, and then decided to shut the door of the cellar, deftly +spilling the sherry as the door banged. I rather like a glass of sherry +with my soup, but to drink it steadily was an unknown experience. Glass +after glass was given to me and I managed to appear to drink all their +contents. They must have wondered at my sobriety. There were several +present who had no desire to spill theirs and among these was a tall, +good-looking youth who was fast becoming a little happy. He came towards +me with an unsteady step, and succeeded in spilling my fifth glass of +sherry, thus saving me the trouble of shutting the door, and said: "Say, +Cap., will you come and see my p--utz?" I was a little bewildered. He +repeated it again and again and then I decided upon a counter +bombardment and said: "Pre--cisely what is your p--utz." He looked +comically bewildered and then a fellow explained that a Putz was a +decoration of German origin. At Christmas time in South Germany the +people build models of the original Bethlehem, representing the birth of +our Lord. It suggests a creche in a Roman church. I said therefore: "But +yes, I shall be glad to." I gathered that a similar custom prevailed in +Bethlehem. + +Most Moravians have a Putz in their houses at Christmas time. A house +containing one is quite open to all. Wine and biscuits are alleged to +be served. I did not get any wine, but saw the biscuits. So at Christmas +time small parties accumulate and go from house to house looking at the +Putzes. Sometimes they are a little crude, and where there are small +boys in the family, model electric tram cars dash past the sacred +manger. One nice boy cleverly got past this incongruity, for, after +building an ordinary model village with street lamps, and tram cars +dashing round and round, he had the stable and manger suspended above +amidst a mass of cotton wool, and he explained that the whole thing was +a vision of the past. But let me tell you about the Putz that belonged +to my friend of the club catacomb. + +With Mrs. U---- I knocked at the door and entered. The house was dimly +lighted and we found ourselves in a darkened room, quite large. At first +we could hear the gentle ripple of water, and then we seemed to hear +cattle lowing very softly. Soon our eyes grew accustomed to the darkness +and we found ourselves looking across a desert with palm trees +silhouetted against the dark blue sky. Camels seemed to be walking +towards a small village on the right. The village was of the usual +Eastern kind with a synagogue in the centre. Soon we noticed that the +synagogue was being lighted up quite slowly and gradually and after an +interval gentle singing could be heard. It was all very soft but quite +distinct. The music stopped for a second and then dawn seemed to be +breaking. Finally a bright star appeared in the sky, and showed us +shepherds watching their flocks, but looking up towards the sky. More +light came and we saw angels with snowy white wings above the shepherds. +At this moment men's voices could be heard singing in harmony "Hark, the +Herald Angels Sing," and the music was certainly coming from the wee +synagogue. The star seemed to move a little, at any rate, it ceased +shining on the shepherds and we became unconscious of the angels, but +soon it shone upon a stable in which were Mary and the babe lying in the +manger. There were the wise men of the East also. Some more light shone +upon the village and the little brook made more noise. Someone in the +darkness near me repeated: "And suddenly there was with the angel a +multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God +in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.' + +"And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into +heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto +Bethlehem and see this thing which is come to pass which the Lord made +known unto us! And they came with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and +the babe lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known +abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all +they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the +shepherds. But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her +heart." + +It was a woman's voice speaking, softly and sweetly. To me it seemed the +outcry of womenkind all over the world. + +I wanted to be home for Christmas very badly, but I must admit that of +all places in the world apart from home I think Bethlehem presents most +possibilities for a really enjoyable time. We had plenty of snow and +consequently plenty of opportunities for tobogganing. People also gave +many charming parties. I went to a _bal masque_ after returning from +Detroit, dressed as a Maori warrior. I had much clothing on, but one arm +and shoulder was exposed. Several women friends who usually wore quite +abbreviated frocks, suggested that I was naked. I merely observed "et tu +Brute!" but they did not understand. Women are inconsistent. + + + + +VI + +GERMAN FRIGHTFUL FOOLISHNESS! A NEW ALLY! THE HATCHET SHOWS SIGNS OF +BECOMING BURIED + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., February 28, 1917. + +So William of Hohenzollern the war lord, the high priest of God, has +decided that this extremely unpleasant war shall cease. Over here we all +agree that nothing would suit us better; only we are quite certain that +we do not want the war to end in the particular way desired by His +Imperial Highness. We admit, of course, that his methods display a high +state of efficiency in every direction, and that his organization of men +and things is perfectly wonderful, but, fools that we are, we have +become attached to our own muddling ways and we don't want to change. In +other words, we rather enjoy our freedom. We admit that we ought to like +His Imperial Highness since he is so very much the intimate friend of +God, but possibly our souls have fallen so far from grace that when we +examine our minds we find there nothing but contempt and dislike mixed +with just a little pity. We cannot be altogether arch sinners because we +are unable to muster up a decent hatred, no matter how hard we try, +because William seems to us a poor sort of creature. + +I cannot understand the Prussian point of view. It was quite unnecessary +to drag Uncle Sam into the war. His nature is so kindly that he is +always willing to give the other man the benefit of the doubt, but there +are limits to his good nature. The threat to sink the merchant ships of +America without warning is well beyond the limit of his patience. The +Germans must have forgotten the travail that accompanied the birth of +this great nation. To them, Uncle Sam would seem to be merely a very +wealthy merchant prince, with but one object--to get rich as quickly as +possible; a merchant prince without honour where his pockets are +concerned. If they had decided that he was merely enjoying a rather nice +after luncheon sleep they would have been a little nearer the truth. +They would then have avoided waking him up. As it is, he is now very +wide awake, and he is also examining his soul very carefully and +wondering just a little. His eyes too are very wide open and he can see +very plainly, and one of the things he can see is a very unpleasant +little emperor over in Germany daring to issue orders to his children. +He also realizes that since God has given him the wonderful gift of +freedom, it is his duty to see that other people are allowed to enjoy +the same privileges. As a child, it was necessary for him to avoid +"entangling alliances," but he is now a man with a man's privileges and +a man's duties. + +So he has called across the water to France: "I'm coming to help you, +Lafayette," and he has shouted across the water to Great Britain: "John, +I have never been quite sure of you, but I guess you're on the right +track, and if you can wait a little I expect to be able to help you +quite a lot." + +Of course, Germany expects to starve Great Britain into subjection +before Uncle Sam is ready to do much. She also, in her overwhelming +pride, believes that her own nationals in the States possess sufficient +power to stultify any great war effort. She also believes that the +American people are naturally pacifists and that the President will have +a big job in front of him. And indeed he might have had a difficult job, +too, for great prosperity tends to weaken the offensive power of a +democracy and there were many men here who disliked intensely the idea +of sending an army of American men to France to fight side by side with +England, but his job has become child's play since Zimmermann's wily +scheme to ally Mexico and Japan against the States has been exposed. +This exposure united the people as if by magic. The people began to +scent danger, and danger close at home, and they saw at once that the +only enemy they possessed was Kaiser William. When the Kaiser dies, and +I suppose he will die some day, it would be interesting to be present +(just for a second, of course) when he meets his grandfather's great +friend, Bismarck. One would not desire to stay long on account of the +climate but it would be interesting nevertheless. Would Bismarck weep or +laugh? + +Of course, the Zimmermann scheme counted for very little with the great +minds at the helm of state here, but it did rouse the ordinary people +and settled many arguments. + +So the war lord is going to drown thousands of sailors in order that a +million lives may be saved on the battlefields of Europe! What a pity +that we inefficient and contemptible British, American, and French +people cannot agree with him. What fools we all must seem to him to +prefer death a thousand times rather than to spend a single second in +the world with His Imperial Highness as our lord and master. + +Thank heaven we can see him as he is really--just a mad chauffeur with +his foot on the accelerator dashing down a very steep hill with not a +chance in the world of getting around that nasty turning at the bottom. +The car he is driving to destruction is a very fine machine, too. It is +a great pity. Perhaps it will break down suddenly before he gets to the +bottom and the mad chauffeur will come an awful cropper, but there will +be something left of the machine. + +I have now left the hotel and am established in a very happy home. It +was difficult to get lodgings, but I applied to J---- C---- for help +and he sent me down to Harry's wife. Harry is the butler of a friend of +mine, one of the head steel officials. Anyone who applies to J---- C---- +for help always gets it. He is an Irishman who has not been in Ireland +for half a century, but he has still got a brogue. I called on Harry's +wife and found a sweet faced English girl with a small young lady who +made love to me promptly. I decided to move as soon as possible, and now +I am perfectly happy. Harry's wife will do anything in the world to make +a fellow comfortable and "himself" keeps my clothes pressed in his spare +time. They both do nice little things for me. I can do precisely what I +please and I know that the two of them are very interested. + +One night, four cheery people came in; one seized a mandolin, another a +guitar, while a third played the piano. It was quite late and I wondered +what my gentle landlord and his lady would think. While the music was +still going on I stole out to reconnoitre and saw the two of them +fox-trotting round the kitchen like a couple of happy children, just +loving the music. Harry's wife's father and her brothers are all +soldiers and she was brought up at Aldershot. When I write things for +magazines she listens to me in the middle of her work while I read them +and she always expresses enthusiasm. When the ominous package returns +she is as depressed as I am about it. + +A friend offered me what he alleged to be a well-bred Western Highland +terrier in Philadelphia, and I, of course, fell, for Becky, Harry's +little girl, wanted a dog. My friend called up his daughter and told her +to send one of the puppies along. I observed that I wanted a male puppy +and he said: "Yep." Communications must have broken down somewhere, for +a tiny female puppy arrived in a pink basket. The person who said that +my puppy was a Western Highland terrier was an optimist, or a liar. I +fear that her family tree would not bear close inspection. However, she +hopped out of the basket and expressed a good deal of pleasure. She +ought to have been at least another month with her mother. We gave her +milk and she at once grew so stout in front of our eyes that we all +shuddered, wondering what would happen next. She couldn't walk, but +after a time her figure became more normal. She had very nice manners on +the whole, and had a clinging disposition and would worm her way right +round a person's back under his coat and emerge from under his collar +close up to his neck. In a few days she became perfectly nude and Jack, +calling, mistook her for a rat, but was disappointed. She mistook him +for a relation and too actively showed her affection. He refused to look +at her, placed both feet on my shoulders, looked with astonishment at +me, and left the house. He has refused to enter ever since. Sally, as we +had named her, got even more nude, so I got some anti-eczema dope and +rubbed her with it. This had the desired effect and her hair grew again. +I wish you could see her and her young mistress together, mixed up with +six rabbits. + +Sally refuses to look like a Western Highland terrier, and follows me +about looking like a tiny rat. A man pointed to us one day and said: +"Wots that?" His friend, thinking he meant an automobile that was +passing said: "Just a flivver." So we have decided upon Sally's breed +and she is called a flivver dog. Like all dogs of mixed breed she is +wonderfully intelligent, and her young mistress and her mistress's +mother would not sell her for a million dollars. She has more friends +throughout this town than we can ever have. Her greatest friend is a fat +policeman who lives opposite. I took her to a picnic once and she buried +all our sausages which they call "Frankfurters" here. We saw her +disappearing with the last one almost as big as herself. + +I am very lucky to have secured such a wonderful home in Bethlehem. No +woman enjoys having strange men ruining her carpets and making +themselves a nuisance generally, and as the Bethlehem people are mostly +well off, few of them desire to take in lodgers. Harry's wife has taken +me in because she has soldier blood and royal artillery blood in her +veins and she wants to do her bit. + + + + +VII + +SOME BRITISH SHELLS FALL SHORT + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., April 25, 1917. + +In the days of the Boer war we used to sing a patriotic song which +commenced with the words "War clouds gather over every land." War clouds +have gathered over this land all right, but they haven't darkened the +minds of the people in any way. With a quickness and a keenness that is +surprising, the people have realized that the war clouds hovering over +the United States have a very beautiful silver lining, and they haven't +got to worry about turning them inside out either, because they know the +silver lining is there all right. Of course, the womenfolk are very +worried, naturally. I don't blame them, when I look at their sons. + +I think that Uncle Sam's action in deciding to fight Germany is a golden +lining to the very dark cloud of war in England. I am hoping that the +folk over here will realize all our suffering during the past three +years. I know that soon they will understand that the so-called +"England's mistakes" were not mistakes really, at least not mistakes +made since August, 1914, but just the great big composite mistake of +unpreparedness. It seems to me that Uncle Sam was just as guilty. He +himself believes that he was much more guilty because he _did_ have +nearly three years to think about the matter. + +He will realize that we could not save Serbia, because we simply had not +trained men or the guns to equip them with. He will know that the +Dardanelles business, although apparently a failure, was an heroic +effort to help Russia since she needed help. He will realize that right +from the start we have been doing our "damnedest." He knows, of course, +that, like the United States, we are a democracy, a form of government +which was never designed with the object of making war outside its own +council chamber. I dare say he will understand the whole thing finally; +I hope that he will grow to understand us as a nation and that we will +learn to understand him. It is about time that we did. + +It is very interesting over here to watch the development of popular +feeling. Before the United States broke with Germany the President, of +course, came in for his share of criticism. Now the man who says a word +against Mr. Wilson gets it "in the neck." All the people realize that he +is a very great man and both Democrats and Republicans are united in one +object--to stand by the President. This is not mere war hysteria, but +the display of common sense. While the country was at peace the two +great parties enjoyed their arguments, and I dare say after the war +they will once more indulge in this interesting pastime, but not until +Mr. Hohenzollern is keeping a second-hand shop in a small street in +Sweden somewhere. + +All my men friends have rushed off from Bethlehem to become soldiers. It +is a fine thing to think of these American fellows fighting beside us. +You will realize this when you discover that an American belies +absolutely his British reputation of being a boaster, with little to +boast about. However, there is one phrase that I wish he would not use +and that is "in the world." It causes misunderstanding often. I believe +that the American fellow that I meet will make a wonderful soldier when +he has learned a few things. It seems to me that we British had to learn +quite a lot of things from the Germans in the way of modern warfare at +the start. + +I hate to think of an anaemic German with spectacles turning his machine +gun on these fellows, as with much courage and much inexperience they +expose themselves, until they learn that personal courage allied to +inexperience make an impossible combination against the Huns. But one +sees them learning difficult lessons for their temperament, and finally +being as good soldiers as our own. I can also see them willing to +acknowledge that they are no better. + +We have discovered that Count Bernstorff was rather an impossible +person, although plausible, and altogether it is quite unsafe to be a +German sympathizer here these days. I am a little afraid of German +propaganda, which will surely take subtle steps to interfere with the +friendship that can be seen arising between us and our brothers over +here. I dare say England will be very severely attacked in all kinds of +cunning ways. Will she take equally subtle steps to combat it? + +The Russian revolution is rather a blow. The Slavs ought to have stuck +to the Czar and made him into an ornamental constitutional monarch for +the people to gape at and to be duly thrilled with. The trouble is that +Germany will have a wonderful opportunity during the birth of +constitutional rule in Russia, and I dare say she will try to arrange to +have Nicholas once more on the throne. Germany dislikes revolutions +close to her borders, and a Russian republic next door will be very +awkward for her if not dangerous. Perhaps in this revolution lies a +little hope for the rest of the world. Perhaps the German people may +catch the "disease" and we may have peace some day. The revolutionary +spirit is very "catching." + +Marshal Joffre and Mr. Balfour have arrived and both of them have made a +wonderful impression over here. It is interesting to know that British +genius could reach such heights as to choose such a very proper +gentleman as Mr. Balfour for the job. Some of my friends are a little +apologetic because more attention seems to be paid to the great French +general than to Mr. Balfour, but I say: "Lord bless your soul, why we +sent Mr. Balfour over here to join in your huzzahs to Marshal Joffre. He +will shout 'Vive La France!' to Joffre with any one of you." + +Thank heaven that our folk realized that the American people want our +very best sent over to them, and that they love very dearly that type of +old world courteousness and gentility that Mr. Balfour represents. It is +good thing that they did not send a "shirt-sleeved" politician. +Altogether I know that Mr. Balfour's mission will help to form a +foundation stone to a lasting friendship between America and ourselves. +He has belted knights and all kinds of superior officers with him. They +are very decorative, and, of course, very useful to the folk over here, +since they are armed with much information that will surely help; but if +Mr. Balfour had arrived on an ordinary liner alone and had walked down +the gangway with his bag of golf clubs, his welcome would have been just +as fervent, and the effect he has already produced just as great; for +the thing that America fell for was his calm simplicity and gentleness. +I wish that the American people could know that Mr. Balfour represents +the type of British gentleman that we all hold as an ideal. Of course, +we cannot all possess his personality, nor his brilliant intellect, but +I am certain that we could try to copy his method of dealing with our +cousins over here. + +Sometimes I think that before a representative of our Empire is allowed +to land in this country he should be forced to pass an examination held +by the best humourists who work for the _London Punch_. An _entente +cordiale_ with America would then be perfectly simple. Perhaps it would +be a good thing if our folk realized that they don't know anything about +this country. + +When American people see two Frenchmen and a couple of Englishmen +misbehaving themselves, and treading on people's toes--not an unusual +sight, especially in regard to the last named--they don't shrug their +shoulders and say: "These Europeans, aren't they perfectly awful?" They +merely remark: "English manners." Unfortunately that seems to be enough. + +American people do not seem to understand what they call our "class +distinctions." However, I am sure that they have not the slightest +difficulty in understanding the type represented by Mr. Balfour. Christ +died in order that we should be neighbourly. All nations have been +affected by Christianity to a greater or to a less degree; in fact, at +the back of all our minds there is still the Christian ideal of +gentleness. When a man has attained that state of mind which prevents +him from offending another by thought, word, or deed without decent +provocation; and when by self discipline and training he has attained +what Mathew Arnold called "sweet reasonableness" to me it seems he has +approached very closely to the Christian ideal. + +And so the word "gentleman" denotes something which cannot be in the +least affected by birth or class distinctions. The only thing is that +people of birth and fortune are able to study up the question a bit more +thoroughly, and having time to read, they are influenced by the +thousands of "gentlefolk" who have left their record upon the pages of +history. Still amongst the very poor of Whitechapel and Battersea I have +met some wonderful gentlemen and gentlewomen who would find great +difficulty in reading even the editorial page of the _New York Journal_. + +We are certainly living in thrilling times over here. Great Britain has +a tremendous opportunity methinks. I hope that she will seize hold of +it. It will be fine to have a great big strong friend beside us +throughout the coming centuries. At the moment John Bull is a little +puffed up with pride and so is Uncle Sam. Neither possesses much +humility, but after the war they will both be a little thinner and the +matter ought not to be difficult, though there will still be a few +difficulties in the way. + +Of course, to talk like this may seem a little strange when the British +flag is flying all over America side by side with the Stars and Stripes. +But flag waving and the bursting forth of sentimental oratory mean +nothing, really. It is the foundation of a structure that counts, and +the foundation of Anglo-American friendship must be a firm one. Perhaps +one or two bricks in the present foundation could be removed with good +results. I'm not going to talk about the American side of the business, +but I do think that if some of the Britishers who arrive here would +realize that they have got extremely irritating manners it might be a +good thing. + +If we are going to criticise our cousins, we should spend at least three +years in their country; that would allow us to spend about a month in +each state. Frankly, I believe that after a little experience here, if +we should be normal persons wanting to find out things, all desire to +criticise unkindly would leave us. At any rate we should take an +intelligent line. We might learn a little, too. This would be a great +help. Of course, the "Colonel's lady" would still perform surgical +operations but she would do her work cleverly. Of course, America with +its mighty size and variety of climates has been long enough inhabited +to allow the formation of differing groups of people. + +In England the people have a vague idea that a member of the Four +Hundred, with a mansion on Fifth Avenue, represents a typical American. +Tell that to a lady with a long list of polite ancestors and quite a lot +of money who lives in Maryland. Tell it to an aristocratic New Englander +whose ancestors braved the elements in the _Mayflower_. Mention it +casually to some of the people living not too far from Rittenhouse +Square, and then expect another invitation to dinner. You won't get one. +The _Mayflower_ business is very interesting. Some pretty funny people +arrived in England with the Conqueror, judging by their descendants. His +followers were very prolific, I am sure; but they had very small +families when compared with pilgrims who arrived in the _Mayflower_. + +I don't know very much about Washington, but I went to a party there not +long ago which I shall never be able to forget. It was marvellous, and +the most wonderful part about the function was my hostess, whose +diamonds would ransom a king, but her jewels formed merely a setting to +her own charming natural self. That's what I thought, at any rate, as I +sat and chatted to her about the island in the west of Scotland from +where her children's forebears came. + +Like us and the Chinese, American people sometimes worship their +ancestors, but they never burn this incense in front of their own folk, +as far as I can see, except, of course, when they are related to the +great Americans of the past. Some have wonderful crests of which they +seem a little proud, and, of course, a good looking crest is a great +help on the whole, especially in matters that don't count a scrap. + +To the ordinary snob, things over here are a little difficult because +you simply cannot place a person in his or her social sphere by studying +the accent. In Great Britain we have this worked out in the most perfect +manner so that from the moment of introduction almost, we can tell +whether the person introduced is guilty of the terrible crime of being a +"provincial," poor chap! + +Frankly, I am going to dare to say that I think it would be a jolly good +idea if some of the people I know and love did worry a little more about +the way they pronounce their words, because a lot of them are simply too +lazy to worry. However, the things they say are awfully nice and that is +what counts in the long run, so I suppose it doesn't matter very much. + +Talking about ancestors, a great friend of mine here in Bethlehem was +faintly interested in his forebears, and visiting the place from where +his father came he inquired from the lady of the inn if there were any +Johnstones living in those parts. She replied: "Did you come up to the +house in a hansom cab?" + +"Yes," he replied. + +"Well, that was a Johnstone that drove ye." + +"Are there any others?" he asked. + +"Yes, but they're all thieves." + +She told him the story of a man wandering through the village seeking a +"ludgin," and being exhausted, finally shouted: "Isn't there a +'Chreestian' living in this toon?" Up went a window, and a woman's voice +shrieked: "Do ye no ken that there are only Johnstones and Jardines +living in the place, ye feckless loon!" Down went the window. + + + + +VIII + +LACRYMATORY SHELLS + + + BETHLEHEM, July 23, 1917. + +A stray Englishman dropped in to see me the other night in New York. I +know rather well the girl he had hoped to marry. He seemed rather +depressed, and told me that she had written in reply to his proposal of +marriage that if he thought that Providence had brought her to her by no +means inconsiderable numbers of years especially to be reserved for him, +it was obvious that he must regard as extremely shortsighted the Supreme +Being guarding the lives of us poor mortals. He seems to have become +very depressed and regarded all women as hard hearted tyrants. This +lasted for some days and the moving pictures with a love-interest lost +all their wonted charm. It was very sad because the lady is an extremely +nice girl and very good looking, although she has been to Girton. + +I don't know anything about the Cambridge women but I have seen a +perfectly priceless suffragette from Girton, it was alleged, addressing +a crowd in the market square at Cambridge, while a large throng of +undergraduates looked at her with much admiration. I remember a low +townee fellow said "rats" to one of her statements. She replied with +the sweetest smile in the world: "_That's_ an intelligent remark," while +a large football player took revenge on the chap. + +From all this you will gather that I know but little about the womenfolk +of Blighty. I have never thought very much about them nor studied their +habits. However, over here in America our countrywomen are well known by +their female cousins. The American girl does not think much about the +English girl, except to admire and like her accent, but the mature +American women who thinks at all wonders a little at the docility +towards their men folk shown by our women. I love to tease them about +it. An American man observed to me once that England was "heaven for +horses, but hell for women." + +Yesterday I was coming from New York in a train with a lady from a small +and very charming American town. We talked about many things and then +about our women. I told her some "woppers" and she became steadily +furious. I said to her that all women really liked "cave men," that they +liked a man who could control them, someone big and strong and fine. I +said that women were a little like horses; they invariably got rid of +the fellow who could not control them, and that this explained the +number of divorces in America. I pointed out, however, that the really +brutal man was equally useless; but the fellow a woman liked best was +the chap who took complete control and loved her an awful lot as well. +"You know yourself that you love to do little things for your husband, +to light his study lamps for him--perhaps when he is tired after a day's +work while you have been to an interesting tea, to place his slippers by +the study fire ready for him to put on before he dresses for dinner," I +continued. The conversation became dangerous for she thought I was +serious. Perhaps I was a little. But I could not have been altogether +serious for I know nothing about the subject. However, I do remember +once, years ago, staying at a country parsonage. The vicar was not at +all poor. I was sitting in his study awaiting his return. As darkness +commenced to creep over the countryside my hostess came in and removed +from the chimney piece two large lamps which she proceeded to trim and +finally to light. She then brought in and placed by the fire two soft +house-shoes, and then examined the cushions on his chair. I wondered a +little for there seemed an awful lot of servants about, but she +explained that she had done the same thing for twelve years and liked to +do it. "The poor boy is often so very tired after he returns from +visiting, and servants never seem able to do these little things really +well," she said. Then the vicar arrived and I was not at all astonished +at the devotion shown by his wife. + +But the lady from the little town, a very fashionable little American +town, could not understand this at all. She got a little excited as she +said: "If my husband were ill and could not walk I would gladly get his +slippers for him": and across her face there crept a resigned and +helpless look as though her husband were already ill. Of course, I was +merely joking with her, but it was all very interesting and I got her +point of view. + +Now far be it from me to say a word against the girls of America. I +think that they are perfectly wonderful. But why do they whiten their +noses? That is a settled habit. However, it is interesting to study +their habits. I think it is a fact that they do really control their +husbands, and it seems to me a very good thing, too. I should not like +to be controlled by a lady from New England, however, of the superior +working class. One tried to control me once and I hated it, and used to +thank a merciful Providence that she was not my wife. I would have +committed suicide or escaped or something. + +But let me tell you about Miss America as I see her. The subject is a +dangerous one for a mere man to attempt, but I have a _bon courage_ as a +French lady once said after I had spoken much French. + +Just after America broke off diplomatic relations with Germany we were +all waiting for an "overt act." A fellow at lunch said that the only +overt act that would stir the American heart to its depths would be the +shelling of Atlantic City and the consequent death of all the +"chickens." "Is Atlantic City the great poultry centre of the States?" I +asked innocently. Everybody yelled at once, "Yes, Mac"; and then they +all laughed. I wondered that if the great American heart could be +stirred by the death of many hens what on earth would happen if the +Boche shelled Broadway? But there seemed more in it than met the eye. I +have since learnt what a "chicken" is. + +When a girl of the working classes dresses herself particularly smartly +(and, believe me, the American girl knows how to turn herself out very +well), and also powders and paints her pretty little face, and then goes +about the city seeking whom she may find she is then called a "chicken." +She is not necessarily an immoral person as far as I can see. There is +something fluffy and hop-skip-and-jumpy in her deportment. She believes +that the world was made to enjoy one's self in and she thinks that +necessarily to wait for an introduction to every nice boy one sees about +is a waste of opportunities. I rather agree with her. So she does her +very best to look charming. I hate the word, but she develops "cuteness" +rather than anything else. Her shoes (white shoes, high heeled) are +generally smartly cut and her frock well up to the fashion; but it is +generally her hat that gives her more opportunities to display her +powers. There is a tilt about it, something, I don't quite know what, +that catches the eye. She seems to develop a hat that will agree with +her eyes which are often very pretty and lively. Sometimes a curl or a +wisp of hair just does the trick. She rather loves colours, but I think +she knows how to make the very best of her appearance. One can imagine +her spending hours at home making her own frocks and trimming her own +hats. She often appears more smartly turned out than her sister higher +up, the social leader. You see her by the hundreds in New York. I rather +admire her attitude of mind. She certainly decorates the streets. At +first I thought that a chicken was really an immoral young person, but +as far as I can gather she is not necessarily more immoral than any +other woman in any other class. I cannot tell you whether she is amusing +or not. American men seem to find them very diverting. + +The other type of hard working American girl I like very much. She works +fearfully hard, and although her wages may be good, living in this +country is relatively high. Unfortunately it is a little difficult for +me to tell you very much about her. She can seldom understand my effort +at English and she thinks I am a fool mostly, or an actor. When I have +finished my business and have turned my back to go out she joins her +friends and laughs. I find this offensive, but I suppose she means +little harm. Even if she has to support a poor mother she will never +let you know it by her personal appearance, which is never dowdy but +always smart. She is very competent and clever, as far as I can see, and +shoulders her burden with a fine spirit. I have at least four great +friends in a store in Philadelphia whom I not only admire, but like very +much. You see I am falling into the error of judging the women of a huge +nation by the few persons I have met. + +If I have not actually said so, I have nevertheless perhaps suggested to +your mind that I regard Madame America as the survival of the fittest in +domestic relations. Monsieur America has enough battles to fight in the +business world without bothering about domestic politics and so Madame +reigns supreme. You see, when a fellow over here seeks a wife he doesn't +enjoy the process of courting unless he has to strive. A girl has got to +be "rushed." I believe that there must be fewer women than men over here +because every nice girl I know has several admirers. However, he has +really a hectic time and has got to be very humble. Now in England I +will admit that a fellow has also to be humble unless he is a conceited +ass or very handsome, but his humility ends with the honeymoon and he +assumes his position as lord of creation. This is expected of him. But +Madame America refuses to regard her husband as anything else but her +lover or her slave and she takes the necessary steps to keep him in his +proper place. Sometimes she loses her intelligence and takes the +pathetic attitude but no more often than her cousin in England does. +This is very effective and causes some husbands to take a drink when +they are more easily though less satisfactorily kept in subjection. +Perhaps they develop a love for bowling alleys and other vices, and +spend most of their time at the club. + +More often Madame America succeeds by her efficiency in every direction. +She refuses to grow old and lets her husband see that her affection and +friendship are still worth striving for. She also sees that her +household is run on thoroughly efficient lines and that the cooking is +always satisfactory. I don't quite know how to describe it, but the very +appearance of an American woman suggests fitness. By Jove, she certainly +dresses well. I think that she expects to be amused rather than to amuse +and in this she loses a little of woman's greatest power. I fear I am on +dangerous ground. However, in my experience over here most of the +married folk I have met seem just as happy as married folk anywhere +else. Still I think that the woman in America is very much the head of +the house. She has attained her position through her efficiency, so I +suppose she deserves to maintain it. Politically it has interesting +results. In some ways it may explain America's former peaceful attitude +towards the Germans at the beginning of the war. Women don't like war +outside their own houses, and they hate losing their sons. I would not +dare to say it myself, but it has been alleged by someone or other that +women have their sense of sympathy more developed than their sense of +honour. They certainly are very loving persons and it does not matter to +them whether the Kaiser insults the nation as long as he does not hurt +their boys. I rather think that they would have not the slightest +objection to fighting themselves if the flag were insulted. I suspect +that they might enjoy it almost, but in regard to their sons they are +indeed veritable cowards by proxy. + +When an American man is away from his wife, I care not how respectable +he be or how happily married, a change seems to creep all over him and +he becomes at once the most boyish, lively, cheery person imaginable, +even if he is sixty. He is not a dull person with Madame, but when he +gets off by himself things begin to move. We British get hopelessly +married, and our clubs never strike me as being particularly hilarious +or buoyant sort of places. They always seem a little dull. I have been +put up at a famous club in Philadelphia. Here mere man is supreme. No +women may enter its sacred portals, no matter who she may be. Let me +tell you about its _habitues_. Of course, it is impossible to say what +sort of club it is in peace time; but, at the moment, all its members +are well on the wrong side of thirty. The others have gone long ago. + +The war has caused a great deal of depression amongst the remaining men +of this club. When war broke out all the members from fifty downwards +were thrilled. At last they were going to get a chance to fight for +their country. Were they not all members of the City Troop? Certainly +some of them needed pretty large horses to carry them, and some indeed +found it difficult to button all the tiny buttons on their tunics. Still +this would soon be made all right. Gee! it was fine to get a chance to +fight those Huns. + +Alas, the cold blooded doctor failed to pass some of them and the joy of +belonging to the City Troop has left them. It is useless for the doctor +to explain that unless a man is in the pink of condition it is +impossible for him to last long in trench warfare. He collapses. They +say that they don't object to this a bit, and then he has got to say +brutally that a sick man costs the country at the front more money and +more trouble than a single man is worth. So they are now convinced, but +they hate it and go about helping all they can, but sadly. One day I was +sitting in the club talking to three interesting men who were +endeavouring to get as many horrors of war out of me as possible, when a +cheery-faced gentleman appeared coming over towards us. The elderly man +next to me brightened up and said: "Here comes a ray of sunshine down +the canyon." He certainly was a ray of sunshine as he commenced to say +quick, rapid funny things. + +At this club there is a beautiful swimming pool with Turkish baths and +other fancies attached. On the banks of the pool, so to speak, there are +comfortable lounges and one can order anything one requires. There are +generally several others there. On these occasions I always think that +this world would have fewer wrecked homes if we went about dressed like +Fijians. Just outside the pool is the dressing room with cubicles. It is +a good idea to treat with respect all the members one sees here dressed +in towels, especially during these military days. + +But to return to the ladies--we had an interesting young person attached +to our battery in France once. I'd like to tell you about her. +Unfortunately she was merely a dream, an inspiration, or perhaps a +rather vulgar, good-natured fairy who came from the "Never Never Land" +to amuse and to interest the small group of officers living in the Vert +Rue not very far from the city called by Thomas Atkins "Armon Tears." + +One night after dinner the major, Wharton the senior subaltern, Taunton +the junior subaltern, and I were sitting around the mess table in our +billet. Suddenly in a thoughtful manner the major read aloud the +following notice from one of the small batch of antique copies of the +London _Times_ which had been sent to him by a kindly wife: "Lady, +young, would like to correspond with lonely subaltern. Address Box 411, +London _Times_." After looking round at the three of us he remarked: +"That seems to present possibilities; I think that Taunton had better +answer it." The major, a wily person and one who never missed an +opportunity to get something for his beloved battery, saw in the +advertisement some amusement, and an opportunity to exploit kindness of +heart on the part of some romantic young person. Taunton, young, good +looking, nineteen, and woefully inexperienced in _les affaires de +coeur_ was obviously the man. + +So the major commenced to dictate what seemed to us at the time to be a +rather amusing letter. Taunton wrote rather slowly, as well as badly, so +the major seized the pen and paper and did the job himself. As far as I +remember the letter ran as follows: + +"Dear Friend: + +"The mail arrived this evening at the small hamlet from where my guns +endeavour to kill and disturb the horrid Germans. I cannot, I fear, give +you the exact geographical location, but you will doubtlessly regard our +position as what 'our Special Correspondent, John Fibbs,' so originally +calls 'Somewhere in France.' + +"The mail arrived in a large canvas bag, and soon its sacred contents +were safely deposited upon the ground by a gentle corporal, who seemed +but little disturbed by the impatience displayed by sundry officers, as +he endeavoured to sort the letters. Of course, I was there. I always am, +but as usual there was nothing for me. Although I am hardened to such +disappointments I felt my loneliness more keenly than ever to-night. I +don't quite know why. Perhaps it was the obvious glee displayed by +Sergeant Beetlestone as he unfolded a package of what he described as +'Tabs.' (You, dear friend, would call them cigarettes.) Perhaps it was +the happiness on the face of Corporal Warner as he shared an anaemic meat +pie with two friends. + +"However, after dinner I sat disconsolate while the others, I mean my +brother officers, held joyful converse with many sheets of closely +written note paper. It is true that I was eating some frosted fruit sent +to the major by his loving wife. Very near me on the table stood a large +box of green sweets called "Creme de Mint," but they were sent to +Wharton by his fiancee. I was very sad, and my mind rushed back to that +famous picture of an aged lady twanging a harp with her eye fixed upon +the portrait of her dead husband. + +"Suddenly a look of hope must have crept over my features, as my eyes +became fixed upon the table cloth, for thereon I read your charming +notice. We always prefer the London _Times_ as a table cloth. The paper +is of good quality. One officer we had seemed to prefer the _Daily +Telegraph_, but he got badly wounded and so prevented the recurrence of +many arguments. + +"You can have no idea what that little notice meant to me. It was the +dawn of hope. A lady, young, desired to correspond with me; yes, with +me. No longer should I stand alone and isolated during the happiest five +minutes of the day, when the mail bag arrived from dear old England. No +longer should I enjoy the sweets and candy purchased by another man's +loved one. No longer should I be compelled to borrow and wear the socks, +sweaters, mufflers, and mittens knitted by hands uninterested in me. All +would soon be changed. Oh, the joy of it! + +"Dear friend, I hope that soon I shall receive a photograph of your +charming self so that my dugout may become a paradise. I intend to write +regularly to you and I expect you to prove likewise constant. + + "When the sun starts to sink from my sight, + When the birds start to roost 'neath the eaves, + There's one thing that's to me a delight-- + The mail bag from Blighty. + +"Already, you will see, I am breaking into verse, but when I receive +your photograph I may even write a sonnet. And now I will close my +letter and retire to my dugout buoyed up with hope and confidence. + + "Yours very sincerely, + "Hector Clarke-Stuart." + +The major seemed to like the letter and we agreed that it ought to +produce results. None of us dared to acknowledge our ignorance in regard +to the famous picture he had described. Our major was a fashionable +person who went to the opera always and had even been known to attend +the Royal Academy. + +At this moment I had an inspiration and confided it to Wharton. We both +knew the major's wife well. Among many charms she possessed a sparkling +sense of humour, both active and passive. I correspond with her +regularly. I wrote a long letter upon this evening. + +The next day the major took Taunton and a couple of guns to a position +several miles away to prepare for the battle of Loos, so he was not at +the battery when two letters arrived addressed to Lieutenant +Clarke-Stuart, Wharton and I therefore retired to a dugout with the two +letters and steamed them open. One was from a very respectable English +miss who lived in a south coast town. She described her daily life with +some detail and the view from her bedroom window "across the bay," but +when she remarked that she and her brothers had always "kept themselves +to themselves," thereby showing consideration for others but a mean +spirit, we decided to kill her for the time being. Wharton, very +respectable, and a typical Englishman, had certain doubts but we carried +on. + +The other letter was delightful and ran as follows: + +"Dear Mr. Clarke-Stuart: + +"I was indeed glad to receive your charming letter and to know that my +little notice had cheered the aching heart of a lonely subaltern. I am +now learning to knit and soon, very soon, I shall send you some socks +which will have been knitted by a hand, an inexperienced hand, alas, but +one that is interested in you. I have not as yet made any cakes, but +indeed I will try, and most certainly I will send you a photograph of +myself. I am a blonde with blue eyes but am not very tall, in fact, I am +but five feet two inches high. Are you fair or dark? Something seems to +tell me that you are very dark with brown eyes. Am I right? I am sure +that you are tall and slenderly though gracefully built. + +"I should be awfully glad to receive a photograph of you. Officers' +photographs lend tone to a girl's rooms these days, even if one does not +know them. + +"Up to the present my life has been an empty one, consisting of teas, +dinners, theatre parties, and so on; but now with you to look after I am +sure that things will change. + +"I was interested in your little verse. It reminds me very much of the +great poet who contributes verse to the _London Daily Fog_ each +Saturday. You perhaps know him. I shall look forward with interest to +your sonnet. + + "Yours very sincerely, + "Rosalie De Silva." + +Rosalie's letter was written on pink paper and was enclosed in a large +pink envelope with a large "S" on the top right hand corner. We +therefore sent her letter on to the major and Taunton by a special +orderly. + +It would take me a long time to tell you of the correspondence that +ensued. Wet cakes, dry cakes, pink socks, green socks, purple socks, as +well as a photograph arrived in quick succession. The photograph was +mounted on a large cardboard and was always regarded with great interest +by the officers who dropped in to see us. All our friends knew about the +correspondence, and they had all been taken into the confidence of +Wharton and myself except Taunton and the major. + +One day the photograph came unstuck and we discovered written upon the +back of it the following words: "This is a true photograph of Miss Iris +Hoey." + +"I knew she was merely a Scivvy," remarked Taunton, when this happened. +The maids are called "Scivvies" at Taunton's school. The major thought +that she was really a lady's maid. I remarked that I thought Rosalie +must be a very amusing and delightful lady. The major was going home on +leave in a few days. + +He returned from leave and my first glimpse of him was while I was +inspecting my men at the nine o'clock parade. I was a little nervous. +Senior officers become even more rude than usual after they return from +leave. He gave me one look, and in spite of the stateliness of the +occasion we both collapsed, much to the surprise of my men who had never +seen the major really hilarious before. He might have been angry for he +had lost five guineas to Tich, a gunner captain who lived near us. Tich +had bet the major that he would take lunch with Rosalie De Silva during +his leave. He had had six lunches with Rosalie De Silva, for his wife +spent the whole six days leave with him. Rosalie De Silva may have been +merely a myth, but she supplied us all with an unlimited amount of fun. + + + + +IX + +SHELLS + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 5, 1917. + +When a number of gentlemen form themselves into an organization the +object of which is the production of munitions of warfare, it is obvious +that their customers will be nations, not mere individuals. A nation is +distinctly immobile. It cannot come over to a plant and order its goods +so it chooses from amongst its people representatives of more or less +intelligence who settle themselves upon the organization and form +themselves into a thing called a "commission," whose object is +inspection. As representatives of a foreign nation, they are treated +with much courtesy by the elders of the city, mostly steel magnates, and +have no end of a good time. They are put up at the best clubs and if +their nation still retains the ornamental practice of having kings they +are usually suspected by the dowagers (local) of being dukes and +viscounts in disguise. This is enjoyable for all concerned. These +gentlemen naturally have no need and little desire to climb socially; +upon their arrival they are placed on the very top of the local social +pinnacle. I will admit that they do topple off sometimes, but generally +they are received in quite the best society. They consist often of an +extremely interesting and delightful crowd of people. + +An American seems to like a title, not in himself perhaps, but in +others, and so Sergeant Aristira, becomes Captain Aristira, and, after +getting exhausted contradicting the promotion, finally believes himself +to be a general in embryo. + +In the main office of a big steel plant there are several dining rooms +where the foreign commissions lunch. If the commission is a large one +its members generally dine alone, except for the presence of certain +lesser, though important, steel officials who sit at the same table and +exhibit quite stately manners. When I arrived first, I thought my own +countrymen's dining room interesting and savouring of an officer's mess +at its worst; so, accepting the invitation of a steel company friend, I +decided to dine with him. It was a good move and I have never regretted +it. + +In our dining room we are distinctly mixed. Often there are +representatives of at least six different lesser countries. The smaller +nations, especially during these times of stress when the warring +nations form the big customers, are generally represented by but one man +each. He has, however, his attendant steel official so one gets a kind +of sandwich made up of many strata. For instance, Sweden is represented +by one man, and Eddy Y---- looks after him. Great Britain's production +department and France's inspection department are looked after by +Captain L----. We had Greeks for a time. Then there are Chileans, +Russians, Peruvians, Argentineans, Spanish, Italian, and men of all +kinds from the regions about the Amazon River. The whole thing is +interesting and one sighs for the gift given to the apostles when they +spake with tongues. + +In addition to these foreigners there sit at our table steel officials +of sufficient importance to be kept within call of a telephone. The very +big men of the steel company dine alone except when someone very +important calls upon them. + +But let me tell you about our dining room. At the beginning we had a +wonderful girl to look after us called Sadie. She was priceless and +worked automatically. People with more courage than decency sometimes +said thrilling things to her but merely received a kindly gentle smile +in return, which was very effective. We were all very fond of her, but +she married and left us. Now we have Mary to wait on us. Mary has been a +waitress in the steel company for five years. She is, I should think, +about twenty-six years old. Why she has never married I am unable to +state. I have seen many beautiful women in my day on the stage, on Fifth +Avenue, in the park in London, but never have I seen anyone quite so +good looking as Mary; she is a perfect type of Madonna-like beauty. She +wears a simple blue frock and a large white linen apron which ends at +her throat in a starched collar. I suggested to her that she should +train as a hospital nurse, for she would work wonders with sick persons +of both sexes. The idea did not strike her favourably. + +As the representatives of some of the smaller nationalities sometimes go +to New York and other diverting resorts, there are often but four steel +men, one Frenchman, a Chilean, a Swede and myself. This presents +possibilities and we have a wonderful time. The representative of Sweden +is a ripping chap. He is about six and one-half feet tall, and if he has +to engage an upper berth in a sleeper he has no difficulty in persuading +the person occupying the lower to change places--the lower person +obviously having for his or her motto "safety first." From this you will +gather that my friend is a little large. I remember that when I first +met him at the club, we chatted about international relations, and he +remarked that if a man were a gentleman it did not matter a damn whether +he came from Paraguay or China. We call him lovingly Peter Pan. He is a +naval officer and looks it. Amongst the many friends that I have made +over here I can place him very near the top of the list. He is just +brimming over with fun and sympathy, and will enter into any joke that +happens to be organizing. + +Then there is the head steel inspector. He dislikes English people, he +thinks; but, between you and me, he likes most people who are decent. I +fear he will finally become a misanthropist, but I am not very sure. He +is an interesting type of American and disbelieves in kings and dukes +and can never understand what we mean by the thing he calls a +"gentleman." However, he is "from Missouri" on this point, and of course +I cannot convince him. I am not sure that I want to. + +Then there is Eddy Y----. He refuses to grow up. He is at least fifty +and looks forty, but is brimming over with energy and enthusiasm. He +loves tragedies, and fires, and thrills and ought to have been a +novelist like the Baron Munchausen. I believe he is really a foreigner, +a Bromoseltzian by absorption, I have heard. He caused me some trouble +once, all over Jones' baby. Let me tell you the story as Eddy told it. +He himself believed it. + +"Did you hear about poor Jones last night on his way to the big dinner? +Very sad! He is in an awful state over it all. One baby died this +morning and the mother doesn't expect the other to live through the day. +Joe told me about it. Gee! it is awful the way those kids run across the +road in front of cars. Jones tried to stop the car but he hadn't a +chance, and he hit the bigger child right on the neck and the child's +head bounced off and bruised Jones' nose. Gee! it's terrible." + +We were all thrilled and very sorry for Jones. Now I know that to +sympathize with a man when by accident he has killed two children is the +worst possible form. Still being egotists, most of us, and regarding +ourselves as specialists in the issuing of the sympathy that heals, we +mostly fail. I resisted the temptation for a long time until Mr. Jones +passed through my office looking very sad. I looked for the bruise on +his nose, but it had healed. He stopped to chat, and I commenced to +sympathize, not mentioning any details. He didn't seem very worried and +I thought him hardhearted, so I went into more details and asked when +the child would be buried. Mr. Jones' eyes grew wide and he said: "What +the devil are you talking about?" I explained, and he roared. His +mud-guard had tipped the knee of a small boy, but very slightly, and he +expected to see him running about again in about two days. + +Eddy has been to Russia and has had a very hectic time so we always +refer to him when the subject of Russia comes up. Russia must be _some_ +place; and the women, _Ma foi!_ + +We are all very great friends and I like every one of them, especially +those who can speak English. It is awkward when we all talk at once, +especially if the more foreign have friends lunching with them. One day, +two Greeks yelled to one another across the table in Greek, a couple of +Russians seemed interested in the revolution, a Chilean spoke in a huge +voice in what he regarded as English, the Swede gurgled, the Americans +laughed, and I alone spoke English (sic.). Having mentioned this last +fact to the man from Missouri, in other words, the chief inspector of +the steel company, he looked and said: "Yesterday I thought that at last +you had convinced me what a 'gentleman' really was, and you have put me +back at least six points." A good "come back!" _N'est ce pas?_ + +Then there is Harry M----, one of the finest men that I have met. He is +very clever and has one big thing in his life--devotion to his wonderful +country which is tempered by a decent appreciation of other people's. We +are great friends, but we jeer at one another a great deal, and always +end up better friends than when we started. He has forgotten more than +most of us know, but he loves to be insulted if it is done in fun. Then +he girds himself for the combat. + +Once I endeavoured to get a rise by saying that I did not believe there +were any Americans at all, except the red Indians. "Eddy here is a +Bromoseltzian," I remarked. "Pat and his son are Irish, Dnul is a Dane, +Weiss is a Dutchman, and you, Mr. M----, are an Englishman; there ain't +no such animal as an American." The last bullet in my rain of shrapnel +told. He was speechless, and then, in desperation, he said: "And how, +may I ask, do you regard this huge nation, with its history and Patrick +Henry and George Washington, and all that sort of thing?" "Oh, as just +an interesting conglomeration of comic persons," I replied. Then we all +laughed and dispersed to our respective offices. I have learnt that if +you are once a friend of an American you can jest and laugh with him as +much as you like. Having become his friend, you have no desire in the +world to say anything that will hurt him. + +I have long and interesting chats with Mr. M----. He told me once that +during the early days of the war, at the end of August, 1914, when +Americans knew the full extent of the disaster to the French army and of +our own retreat from Mons, several important members of the steel +company, mostly of English descent with a little German blood mixed with +it, had a meeting in our lunch room. They were very worried about us all +over in England and France. They were also worried about their own sons +because they knew that America would not stand by and see England and +France crushed. All these men themselves, if possible, would have at +once gone over to help; and they discussed plans. They also knew, and I +know now, and have known all along, that if England had ever reached the +stage when she needed American help it would have been possible to raise +an army of several millions of Americans to fight for England. _Yes, to +fight for England!_ + +I would not dare to say this to some of my American friends because they +would know, as I knew, that underlying their criticism of England there +is often a very deep devotion to the British Empire. The Germans have +known this all along, and we can thank fortune that it still exists in +spite of our failure to foster it. We established an _entente cordiale_ +with France our hereditary foe, thank goodness, and we succeeded because +many of us are bad at French and consequently unable to insult the +French people. We have never seriously attempted the same thing with +America. It is the underlying devotion of many Americans for the home +country, as some of them still call our land, which has prevented the +rudeness of some of our people from doing permanent harm. The Germans +have tried to remove this devotion, but they have not succeeded amongst +the educated classes, because, like us, intelligent American people +don't quite like the Boche until he has settled in the country for over +a hundred years. + +But they have succeeded with the poorer classes, who sometimes dislike +us intensely. The average American working man regards his brother in +England as a poor fool who is ground down by the fellow who wears a high +hat. He also regards John Bull as a wicked, land-grabbing old +fellow--America's only enemy. + +I share an office at the moment with a couple of American boys, both +married. At first I shared Dnul's office with him, but as it is +necessary for him to keep up diplomatic relations with all inspectors I +felt that I would be in his way, so I retired, against his will, to the +office next to him. It is better so. + +The boys with me are interesting. One was a National Guard captain and +looks the part. He was a Canadian once, so cannot be president of the +United States. It is a great pity. The other is very clever at drawings +and although only twenty-seven has made the world cheerier by being the +father of eight children. I have arranged to inspect them some day and +he is getting them drilled. He witnessed my signature to the publisher's +contract for my first book on the day of his last baby's birth. Books +and babies have always been mixed in my mind since I first heard the +story of St. Columba's quarrel over the manuscript belonging to some +other saint which he had copied. You remember the story. The archbishop +or some very superior person looked into the matter, and said: "To every +cow belongs its own calf." I believe that I am quoting correctly. I +hoped that this friend's signature would be a good omen. + +The other fellow, he of the National Guard, has but one baby. I manage +to get along very well with them both. + +There are an awful lot of stenographers about; a galaxy of beauty. I +hear that they are very well paid, and judging by their very smart +appearance they must be. I think that they are even better looking and +more smartly turned out than the young ladies employed in the machine +tool department at the Ministry in London. + +I met old Sir Francis N---- one day going up the stairs at the Hotel +Metropole in London after it became Armament Hall, and he said that +really one did not know these days whether to raise one's hat or to wink +when one met a young lady on the stairs. I always maintain a sympathetic +neutrality. It is better thus. + +I found, at first, letter writing a little difficult. One dictates +everything and one must never forget to file one's letters. In business +it is considered an awful thing to insult a person in a letter. Insult +him to his face, by all means, if necessary; but never write rude +things. I found it difficult to distrust firmly the intelligence of the +person receiving the letter. Everything must be perfectly plain and you +have to imagine that the person receiving the letter knows nothing about +the subject. If writing a business letter to a friend I invariably +became too personal. Cold blooded though polite things are business +letters. They are immortal, too, and live in files for centuries and are +liable to strike back at any moment like a boomerang. If you are +insulting a third person it is always good to put before your more +cutting statements, "In my opinion, I think." This will save you much +trouble because it is taken that you are humble, and that your opinion +is not worth very much. Nevertheless it will cause the person to whom +you are writing to look into the matter, whereas if you say straight +out, and crudely, that Jones is an entirely useless person or that Biggs +is inefficient (it is better to say inadequate, since it means the +same), the person receiving the letter will at once mutter, "Newspaper +talk," and will forget the matter, although he may look into your own +actions with a coldly discerning eye. + +It seems to be different in the army where people write most unpleasant, +suggestive things to one another. I don't think that they keep files so +well in the army. However, I am learning fast and am very careful. + +There are many wonderful contrivances over here for the saving of +labour. They do not always save time, it is true, but many of them are +useful, nevertheless. It is sometimes an interesting thing to see a +fellow waiting several minutes for an elevator to take him down one +flight of stairs. People seldom walk anywhere, as far as I can see; but +this fact does not seem to affect the national physique which is usually +splendid. + +Quite large numbers of men wear spectacles, not your +intellectual-looking gold-rimmed pince-nez, but great horn-rimmed +goggles that certainly give a man a whimsical look. It all depends upon +the appearance of the fellow. If he is thin and wiry these great goggles +make him look like a polite tadpole. The theatrical folk realize this +and in every comic show one of the comedians generally appears in these +spectacles. + +Desiring to use a swimming pool open only to the students of Lehigh +University, I decided to take a course of lectures on metallurgy. I +shuddered when I heard that these lectures took place from eight until +nine A.M. How would one fit in breakfast? However, I arrived +one Monday morning and found myself with twenty other fellows sitting at +the feet of a large St. Bernard dog, and a very learned professor. I +looked with interest at the men around me. They all seemed pale and +haggard and "By Jove, these American students must work hard!" I +thought. However, after several weeks I felt very much the same on +Monday mornings, because many of the fellows became my friends and we +spent our week ends together in fervent study at more than one extremely +diverting country club. Perhaps, however, this is unfair. + +The American university man is alleged to be a hard worker. He certainly +has some very stiff examinations to pass. As a matter of fact, the man +who desires to get on well in the business or intellectual world has to +work jolly hard at the university over here. It is possible for a man, I +have heard, to work his way through college without receiving a penny +from his father. A fellow may even earn money by collecting laundry from +his fellow students. The glorious part about this lies in the fact that +his men friends do not supply him with kindly pity, but they sincerely +admire him. If he is a good sort, that's all that matters. + +As far as I can glean, the average American varsity man is a great hero +worshiper. One is constantly meeting fellows who are regarded by their +friends as regular "princes," and the thing that draws the greatest +amount of admiration is well developed personality which in America is +generally allied to kindliness. These "princes" are always humble, and +invariably the same in their treatment of both ordinary people, and, +what we called at Cambridge "rabbits" or undergraduates of the dormouse +breed. + +Sometimes people over here have pointed out to me that it is impossible +for an undergraduate to work his way through our older universities. I +have, of course, told them that while it would be very awkward to have a +fellow undergraduate calling for one's soiled linen in England, still we +had a way whereby a man could work his way through any university and +especially the older ones. I told them that at my college there were +always at least twenty men who received no money from home, but by +comparatively hard work they were able to win scholarships and +exhibitions. So that really things are much the same, the only +difference lying in the fact that as our colleges are much older, people +have had time to die in greater numbers and consequently there have been +more bequests. I cannot say that I have had much opportunity to study +the person called here a "lounge lizard." Like his brother in England, +he at once joined up and is now learning to be a soldier. + +I must admit that the American university man is very like his brother +in England, just as irresponsible, just as charming and often possessed +with the same firm determination to do as little work as possible under +the circumstances. The only difference lies in the fact that after +leaving college he is sucked into a whirlpool of exciting business and +sometimes he finds himself floating down a strong flowing river of +wealth wondering if it has really been worth while. + +"You know how to live in England," they often say to me. "We don't. We +work too hard, and we play too hard, and we haven't the remotest idea +how to rest." Perhaps they are right, but it seems to me that a little +American vim introduced to an English graduate would be an excellent +thing; for after he has left college and is making an ass of himself in +the city he has to learn that while a Cambridge or an Oxford hall mark +is an excellent thing in the vicarage drawing room, it causes its +possessor some sad moments in the business world of London or of +anywhere else. + +Perhaps this is a bit rough on the graduate from Oxford and Cambridge; +but I think most of them will admit that there is a certain amount of +truth in what I say. Of course, in my experience throughout the Empire I +have found the varsity man a magnificent type of Britisher, but it is +obvious that he has got to learn a few lessons, and lessons are +sometimes hard things to learn. + + + + +X + +SUBMARINES + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., August 30, 1917. + +The other day Dicky C---- and I went to Atlantic City for the week end. +So many of my Bethlehem friends go to this place every year, that I felt +my American experience would not be complete without a visit. We left +this town at about three o'clock; we ought to have left sooner. The +chauffeur developed caution to an almost unlimited extent and this +worried Dicky, a furious driver himself. He told me with some pride the +number of times he had been arrested on the White Horse Pike. The +caution of the chauffeur was responsible for our arrival at our +destination at about ten o'clock at night. + +Being Saturday night, of course, it was impossible for a time to get +either rooms or food. At the hotel where Dicky usually stopped we were +turned down. His Majesty, the clerk, disliked the shape of our noses or +our clothing or something. We spent one dollar fifty in telephone calls +trying to get some hotel to take us in. + +We started with the good ones, but even the fifth class houses were +full. I therefore approached the clerk and explained that I was a +British officer with nowhere except the sands upon which to sleep. This +worked like magic. + +We were shown into what was called a club room near the top of the +building, where twelve beds were arranged hospital fashion. Our fellow +guests were not there then, so we decided to sleep on the balcony in +case any of them snored. The building is a beautiful one, having +wonderful sort of battlements, and we fixed our beds out on one of +these. + +Then we sought food. We tried one fashionable place, but the head waiter +was not impressed. He certainly looked at our noses and at our clothes. +About these clothes--I had on a very good sort of golf kit. I almost +know the sheep on the Island of Harris off of which the wool forming the +material came. My stockings were thick and home made in the Highlands, +and my brogues were made by Mr. Maxwell in Dover Street. Dicky was +turned out similarly and being a big handsome sort of chap looked fine. +Perhaps if we had given that waiter ten dollars as his usual patrons do, +we would have been ushered in with much bowing, but we preferred to +starve rather than to give him a cent. + +We sought restaurant after restaurant, but could get nothing, not even a +poached egg. Dicky was getting crabby. After an hour we at last got into +a hot cheery sort of cabaret and drank small beer and ate all sorts of +grills, also clams. After this Dicky became brighter, and I also felt +more kindly, so we hired a comfy chair on wheels and spent an hour on +the Board Walk, while the chairman told us with much enjoyment of all +the sin and wickedness existing in Atlantic City. His stories, very +lurid, were mixed up with automatic "pianners" into which one put a +nickel. + +Upon returning we found most of our fellow guests of the club room in +bed, so we stole out on to the battlement and soon were sound asleep. + +I awoke in the morning to find a terrific sun shining on my head +threatening to melt my brain. I looked up towards the hotel and noted +that we were sleeping on a balcony above which were roughly about eight +stories. Immediately above us stretched a line of windows marking a +staircase, and out of each window looked a head. It was really a study +in black and white. There were black maids, and white maids, and they +were all interested in Dicky as he lay there with the sun turning his +light coloured hair into gold. I awoke him, and we both got inside and +dressed. + +After breakfast, and as it was a table d'hote we were not at all sparing +in our choice of food, we sat for a time on a charming balcony +overlooking the Board Walk. It was interesting to watch the people. I +made a tremendous discovery, which was perhaps a little disappointing. I +had always hoped that the British Empire contained the lost tribes of +Israel. It does not. The United States of America has that honour. + +We then sought a dressing room, and after removing our clothes and +donning "fashionable bathing things" we sought the sand. It was all very +thrilling and I was further confirmed in my discovery. There was a +continuous procession of persons clad in bathing things, thousands of +them. Few went into the water. There was much that was really beautiful. +There were men burnt a rich shade of copper, beautifully built, with +clean cut, good looking faces, walking along enjoying their youth. There +were some priceless looking girls well decorated. I dislike women's +bathing suits. They are theoretically meant for bathing in, but why on +earth should they wear those extraordinary hideous garments: They look +awful when they return from the water. Their stockings are all dragged +round their legs and if they are shoeless the toe part of the stockings +seems to escape and hangs over. However, most of the ladies had no +intention of swimming. Their faces were often powdered and painted and +their hair arranged in a most engaging way. Still many were delightful +to look upon, notwithstanding their attire. I believe there are very +strict rules about women's costumes at Atlantic City. My landlady +assures me that she has seen the policemen measuring the length of a +girl's swimming skirt! + +I saw some magnificent looking fellows walking along. American men's +dress often seems designed to spoil a fellow's appearance. His breeches +are sometimes a little tight and the sleeves of his coat are short, +displaying a good looking silk shirt; and sometimes as the breeches are +low at the waist, the shirt sticks out in an untidy bulge. When he +places on his good looking head the felt hat in vogue the destruction of +his personal appearance is quite complete. But on the beach at Atlantic +City all this is changed, and one realizes that the standard of manly +physical beauty in this country is a very high one. + +The bathing suit here in America is exactly like the kit we wear for +Rugby football. Perhaps it would be better for swimming if it were +lighter, and in one piece, but as much time is spent promenading, it is +obviously better that it should be as it is. + +Of course, quite a number were not beautiful to look upon. There were +thousands of men and women who had reached the unlovely stage of their +existence. Large portly men walked about unashamed and women with large +stout legs encased sometimes in green stockings could be seen. As one +walked along the beach the society seemed to change. Towards the poorer +part of the town the people were a little older and less interesting. We +came to one section where most of the bathers and promenaders were +coloured people. I must say at once that the effect was singularly +diverting. The young coloured ladies and gentlemen were smartly turned +out. These American negroes look like awfully nice people. One would +see a young coloured lady with an expensive and sometimes a beautiful +swimming suit walking beside a fine handsome coloured boy. They seemed +so happy. I was thrilled with the little ones as they dashed about with +their strong little limbs. Unfortunately we had little time for +observation because Dicky had seen a huge fat man at another part of the +beach in a bathing costume, the sort of fellow that one sees at a +country fair, and he insisted upon returning to have another look. This +fat man sat there with his huge fearful limbs partially exposed while a +crowd stood and looked at him. He seemed to like it, too. Human egotism +is truly wonderful. The whole morning was enjoyable. I loved the open +air, the sea breezes and all that sort of thing. + +I had heard a lot about the Board Walk. As a thing of use it is +delightful. One can walk for miles along its length, seeing a strange +procession of human beings, but its new look, the fact that it is made +of wood, tends to give Atlantic City an uncertain and unstable +foundation. It spoiled the effect of our hotel with its magnificent +architecture. Still it provides a very restful way to walk, and I +suppose it has its uses. I am a little astonished that Americans should +come to this strange place and turn themselves into money fountains and, +upon running dry, return to business; though of course it is fine to be +with a crowd of cheerful people. + +I have never visited any of our seaside resorts during the summer +season, so I cannot well compare Atlantic City with any of them. I don't +think that a similar place would be popular in England. Of course, we +were there at a rather difficult time. I have been told that prices go +up about twenty-five per cent. or even more during August. + +Atlantic City seems to be a long thin town stretching for several miles +along the Atlantic coast. The hotels are truly beautiful. Apart from +their architecture they are beautifully decorated inside. Our hotel has +a place called the Submarine Grill. The idea the artist wishes to convey +is that the diners are spending a hectic time at the bottom of the sea. +The general effect is rather lovely and the colouring suggests the +inside of a very rich Mohammedan mosque, in spite of the sea idea. +Perhaps the mermaids of Atlantic City make up for this; and there are +many. However, we all go down, pay the head waiter a large sum for three +bows and a continuous smile and are ushered to the best seats, under the +circumstances. The food is beautifully cooked, but the bill grows very +large, and one leaves quite happy but poorer. + +Dicky and I had had about fifty dollars between us, but the price for +our sleeping places had been small, and it looked as though we would +return with about two dollars between us, until we met the chauffeur, +and asked him for his expense account. Having paid it--it was one +dollar more than my bill at the hotel, we possessed about three +shillings, or seventy-five cents. This obviously left us but little +money for food at Philadelphia upon our return, but we went into a +mysterious automat eating house and managed to subtract a little +nourishment from its shelves. We returned to Bethlehem owing the +chauffeur about three dollars. I must say that I enjoyed the whole +thing, but I have no intention and no desire to return. + +It was the touch of nature that made the day enjoyable for me--the +people, black and white, and the sea. But I objected to the +hardly-veiled begging displayed by the numerous lackeys. I suppose they +have got to live, "_mais je n'en vois pas la necessite_," as some +philosopher remarked. + +When passing through the hotel on the Saturday evening I saw a lady +quietly but beautifully dressed. She looked about twenty. I was certain +that I knew her well, had met her in Washington or somewhere. I went +over and said: "How d'ye do." We chatted for a time, but in spite of all +my efforts I could not place her. Having rejoined Dicky, I remembered. +She was the prim demure little lady from whom I have bought my "movie" +tickets for the last six months. American girls are truly wonderful. We +arrived at Bethlehem at about midnight. + + + + +XI + +AN OFFENSIVE BOMBARDMENT + + +There is one phrase over here that one is constantly hearing--"Rule for +the people by the people." Of course, Abraham Lincoln, our great +American, now beloved by all, used it on the occasion of his famous +speech at Gettysburg. As far as I can see, Lincoln gave that thing +called democracy a great big lift. He evidently fought a big spiritual +battle for the United States, and won. + +Of course, I did not come to the United States to learn about Abraham +Lincoln. In my childhood's memory, he, George Washington, King Arthur, +King Alfred, and the great figure called Gladstone are all safely +enshrined. These were all mixed with Moses and the prophets, but +Lincoln's log cabin seemed a reality. Away out in New Zealand I learnt +about Abraham Lincoln from an old, old soldier who had fought the +Maoris, and had seen the first two sparrows arrive in a cage from +England. I wish they hadn't. + +Since my arrival in America I have heard a great deal about Lincoln. He +and his words are held up as a shield against all potential enemies +outside the United States. Always are the words "Rule for the people by +the people" hurled from the lips of that type of orator who talks about +"red blooded Americans," and who contrasts the red blooded with him of +yellow blood. But only are these wonderful words hurled against enemies +without. No one ever applies them to the more deadly type that lurks +within the national household. And so Lincoln's great words sometimes +seem to be wasted upon all our cousins who are not newspaper editors. + +Let me explain: The American people don't rule the country as far as I +can see. Things go along smoothly and the mob spirit is kept at bay +because, owing to the greatness of the country, its happy climate, its +wonderful natural resources, the opportunities for expansion supplied to +all the people, no one gets sufficiently worked up to accomplish any +foolishness. The country seems to be ruled by a certain set of men who +make politics their business. + +I have never yet met a young man under twenty-five who was in the +faintest degree interested in the rule of his country. He has so many +other things to think about. Although I don't think he works harder, +really, than his cousin in England, his hours spent at business are very +long and there don't seem to be more than about two holidays in the +year. His life is tense. He starts school with games that bring out all +his enthusiasm. He dislikes cricket. Baseball suits his temperament. +Even football has developed into a form of trench warfare, sometimes +not without frightfulness. Then he enters business with one object--to +get on, to push ahead. So his life is spent thinking out business +schemes. In the evenings he is called upon by all kinds of seedy looking +gentlemen who put up to him schemes of insurance and what not. He must +have a car of some sort, though a Henry Ford suits him well. He never +seems able to rest, at work or at play, and so he carries on, brimming +over with enthusiasm. One is always seeing it. + +Here in Bethlehem we wanted money for a bridge. It was essential that +the people should subscribe, so a week was spent in what amounted to a +"drive." There were processions, alarums, and excursions. Men rushed +about in dirty looking automobiles and made quite willing people +subscribe. Luncheons were held each day. The collectors were divided +into small companies, each with a captain and a separate table. The +tables vied with one another in their efforts to collect the most money. +It was a wonderful scheme and it worked well. I rather loved it. One +heard young men, old men, fat men, thin men all worked up bursting into +song. Even the church helped. Of course, we got the money all right. If +a man wants to accomplish anything he must arouse enthusiasm. + +So the life of a decent American boy is often one long exciting tense +existence. Now I think in some ways that this is admirable, but this +enthusiastic existence has formed a national trait. A man must get +there. He doesn't always, but he must think he is getting there. He does +not care if the day coach he is riding in on a train is ugly and often +dirty; it is nothing to him if the locomotive is not spotlessly clean as +long as it draws him along. He is not concerned for more than five +minutes if the railroad company dashes locomotives through his city +killing a few people _en route_ because they have not time or +inclination to raise their road or sink it in order to avoid deadly +level crossings. It has not occurred to him to realize that a dirty +locomotive uncleaned by careful hands will not get him there really. +Seldom is an American train on time. Some are, of course, but I have +often waited from an hour to several hours for a train. + +So the men who make politics their business take advantage of this--not +wickedly, I think, but nevertheless they appeal to this national +enthusiasm, and they get away with it. No man is perfect, and +politicians always seem to me the least perfect of men. The results are +obvious. The political machine works in jumps and often breaks down at a +critical moment. It is not the machine's fault really. It is the fault +of the people who refuse to supervise its work. The people have +responded to the political enthusiasm around election time and then they +are finished. Of course, I think it is all wrong. + +One looks for the guiding hand of the people and one cannot find it. It +ought to be displayed in the press, but of all powerless institutions +the American press is the most powerless. It can rage against a +politician until it is hoarse, but it accomplishes little. And yet the +American press is truly very fine. I read every word of the _New York +Times_, the _New York Sun_, and the _Public Ledger_ every day and they +are entirely admirable. I meet the editors, sometimes, of leading papers +and they are delightful people. They combine often the delightful +American boyishness with the sober mien of men of learning. Still they +know the national characteristic of enthusiasm, and if they are to sell +their papers they must appeal to it; so even the papers I have mentioned +often display flamboyant headings about nothing in particular. + +At election time, of course, the papers have a wide influence, but +during the time when the laws of the country are being made they always +seem to me to be entirely ineffective. They ought to be the leaders of +the people. A cabinet with the disapproval of the press ought not to +last a week. They try, of course, valiantly, but if they display +disapproval, backed up with proofs, no one believes them. It is merely +described as "newspaper talk." + +And then the police! You know as well as I do that if a mere suspicion +is breathed against an English policeman by a good newspaper, the thing +is thoroughly investigated and if the charge is well founded the +policeman disappears. The police in England are our friends and we look +after them, but they must do their duty well. I don't quite understand +the system here, but, as far as I can gather, the police official of +rank is appointed by the mayor. The mayor is elected, not soberly and +carefully, but in the most hectic manner imaginable. He has a regular +campaign for his position. Of course, there is no objection in the world +to this, but the decisions of the people are given in moments of +enthusiasm. They are worked up to a high pitch by the satellites of the +prospective mayor. The newspapers help him or they don't; but whatever +they do, they do it in a flamboyant manner. Charges are sometimes +brought against a prospective mayor that would cause an English +newspaper to be suppressed for libel. As far as I can see, the head +police officials are dependent for their positions upon the retention of +the mayor in office. A mayor may be a clever, good, conscientious man, +but you know as well as I do, that the tribe spirit is merely dormant in +us mortals, and the very best of us like to help our friends. And then +the police officials are always being criticised by the newspapers. +Sometimes they are praised in a most extravagant manner, and, a few +weeks after, they get slanged to bits. Criticise your members of +parliament, tear to pieces the character of the prime minister, but +surely it is foolish to criticise the cop. + +I am not going to talk about graft amongst the police because I don't +know anything about it. But one hears very strange stories. + +If the people ruled this country, instead of allowing their national +trait of enthusiasm to rule them, I suppose it would be all right. As a +matter of fact, things go along quite smoothly. The American folk are +awfully good natured and never worry about anything in particular. Hence +they don't mind if Broadway continues to suggest a particularly +unpleasant line of trenches in Flanders. They don't mind if the +telephone lines in a small town all collapse during a storm, not because +of the fury of the elements, but because the telephone company has laid +its wires carelessly and untidily. + +An American young man sometimes does not even know the name of his +congressman--he never reads what the said gentleman says before the +House. He just doesn't care. He fails sometimes to realize his duty as a +citizen of a very great nation whose men have died for the privilege of +ruling their own country. When anyone expresses annoyance with a +particularly bad road, he remarks: "These damn politicians!" + +It is a pity in some ways. He builds his bridge. It will carry him and +his family well. The next man finds it wanting, so he patches it. A +concourse of persons passing over soon afterward all fall into the +elements below. Someone else then arrives and builds another one just as +flimsy, just as weak and just as beautiful to look upon as the first +fellow's effort. And an American thinks he is "getting there." + +These remarks, perhaps a little unfair, do not apply to the West or the +Middle West. + +And, of course, he does get there, but it all is owing to the great big +background to his character which he inherits from his ancestors, and +his natural efficiency allied to good health. + +Of course, some will urge that this country is still a melting pot. That +may be true, but as far as I can see the immigrant of the first +generation has little influence. Great big things are ahead for this +country, but the people will have to suffer a great deal first. I can +see millions of young men returning from the war in Europe with an +inquiring mind. These men will have realized the value, the +effectiveness of discipline, and they will apply it to their servants, +the gentlemen in Washington. The press will be the mouthpiece. The +police will also be their servants, not their masters, and a cop will +not have to worry about elections and rude remarks in the papers unless +he deserves them. + +The open air life, the freedom of the battlefield, the time supplied for +reflection will mould the national character. Things will then change +for hotel clerks, head waiters, and all the million other satellites, +that prey upon the wonderful good nature and kindliness of our cousins. + +Americans will also become a little more lazy and will realise that it +profits a man nothing in this wonderful world if he gains five million +dollars and gets a nervous breakdown. An American man never seems able +to be elegantly lazy. I suppose it is the climate. Slow country life +bores him to desperation; he cannot enjoy the supervision of a large +estate until he has reached a great age. + +Criticism is so easy. If my friends read this they would say: "_Et tu +Brute_; are you so perfect?" I could only reply: "We are a good deal +worse, but our confounded papers guard us a little and we do stand by +our cops. Go thou and do likewise." + + + + +XII + +SIX DAYS' LEAVE + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., September 30, 1917. + +I am now awaiting my orders to return to my regiment. Towards the +beginning of the month I felt that it would be a good idea to try and +see some fellows I knew. Things were getting impossible here, and I was +feeling a little lonely, so I asked my chief in New York if he would +allow me to visit some friends for a few days. He agreed and so I +decided to visit the commodore and his wife on the "Reina Mercedes" at +Annapolis. The "Reina Mercedes" was captured by the American Navy at +Santiago. Her own crew sank her hoping to block the channel at the +entrance to the bay. She was easily raised and now all snowy white, +possessing an absurd little funnel, and a couple of thin masts, she acts +as a receiving ship at the Academy. She suggests a beautiful houseboat, +and the captain possesses very comfortable quarters for his wife and +family. + +I left Bethlehem at 3 P.M., arrived at Philadelphia somewhere +around five o'clock and decided to get into uniform sometime during the +evening before catching the midnight train for Washington. + +While the kit of a mounted officer in the British army has certain +attractions for the wearer in England and France, its leather field +boots, Bedford cord breeches, and whip cord tunic make one feel very hot +and uncomfortable on a warm midsummer's night in Philadelphia. At eleven +o'clock, with still an hour to wait for my train, an iced drink became a +necessity, so I descended to the cafe and suggested to the waiter that +he should supply me with an iced drink as large as possible. I thought +that orangeade might meet the case, but the waiter mentioned a mint +julep. The drink was unfamiliar, but it sounded good, and American +people make the most wonderful soft drinks in the world. The very word +"mint" suggested coolness, and the fragrant smell of the upper river at +Cambridge on a summer's day came back to my mind as I sat behind a large +column in the cafe. Hence I said: "Right O! Bring me a mint julep." He +did, curse him! With a large chicken sandwich it arrived. The glass was +all frosted, filled with mushy ice, while a dainty little bunch of green +mint with its stems piercing the ice floated on the top. I was more +thirsty than hungry, and I was very hungry. + +I drank the mint julep at once. It was delicious, a trifle dry perhaps, +but delicious. For a soft drink the effect was decidedly interesting. My +first sensation was a nice singing, advancing sound in my head. I felt +myself to be drifting along a smooth stream with overhanging willows and +masses of mint growing on the banks. I felt that delightful sensation +that one feels when a tooth has been removed with the aid of gas and one +is just returning to consciousness. It is a jar to one's nerves when the +dentist's voice is first heard and the attending lady in the uniform of +a nurse hands one a glass of water, and the world, with all its troubles +and dentists returns to one's consciousness. + +This pleasing feeling continued for a little while, and then I could see +the panelled walls of the room, and I heard what seemed a still small +voice talking in extremely bad French to the waiter who answered in what +must have been good French. The voice using the bad French was very +familiar and then I realized that it was my own. I promptly switched to +English, but the voice was still far distant. Finally full consciousness +returned, also a realization of the situation. Then the voice in the +distance said: "Waiter, your d---- mint julep has gone to my head and I +must catch a train in exactly half an hour." The waiter's voice +expressed sorrow and suggested much water and more sandwiches. I drank +water and I ate sandwiches, and the vision of Mr. Pickwick in the +wheelbarrow came upon me with full force. I was thankful that, in spite +of all, I could see my watch; but if the waiter had not been firm I +should have missed my train. The water and sandwiches were successful. A +faint knowledge of Christian Science picked up from my chief in New +York helped and in a perfectly stately manner I walked out of the hotel +and along the road and caught my train. + +I would advise all foreigners arriving in America to avoid mint juleps. +I am not going to say that the experience was not pleasurable. It was +extremely pleasant, almost delightful, but a mint julep taken several +hours after a meal when one drinks but little at any time is extremely +potent. I have been told since that just after a meal a mint julep is +comparatively harmless and that it is _not_ a soft drink. Frankly I will +never touch one again as long as I live. There were too many +possibilities lurking in its icy depths. + +I arrived in Washington safely and found that my uniform acted as a +wonderful talisman. Every officer of the U. S. A. that I met desired to +show kindness in some way. It was impossible to pay for a meal. + +I put up at a hotel and, with the aid of the telephone, commenced to +accumulate friends from certain officers' training stations around. Most +of them had not had time to buy uniforms of their own, but were dressed +in the sort supplied by the quartermaster's store--good material, but +badly fitting. However this fact could not in the slightest alter the +effect produced by the glowing health that seemed to characterize all of +them. + +Their eyes were clear and bright like the eyes of a thoroughbred in +perfect condition. One or two had lost a little weight, with some +advantage perhaps. In a word, good looking, handsome fellows though they +had been before the war, military training, plain good food, and an +entire absence of mint juleps had worked magic. + +We had all lived together in Bethlehem and coming so recently from that +town that both they and I had grown to love, we commenced that form of +conversation which consists of many questions and no answers. You know +the sort--everybody pleased with everybody else and everybody talking at +once. I forgot most of it, but as far as I remember it consisted of, +"Gee! Mac, but you do look fine in the English uniform. Have you been +over to see Lucy lately? How's Lock? Are 'yer' getting your guns a bit +quicker? How's 'Sally?' Does Curly still serve funny drinks? We're all +on the wagon now even when we get the chance. It makes you feel fitter. +We hope to get over soon. Don't forget to let us have those addresses +soon. Gee! but we'll all have _some_ parties in London some day. We've +got to work awful hard, but its fine, and we've never felt better in our +lives." + +Finally we all rushed out to buy equipment and uniforms. Young officers +always get smitten with a very pleasing disease which makes them rush +about any city buying every conceivable form of equipment and uniform. +They'll buy anything. They'll extract from a pleased though overworked +tailor promises that he can seldom keep. If he does keep them he ought +to spend many hours in bitter remorse for supplying clothing and uniform +that would have been spurned by a well turned out Sammee or Tommy in the +days of the great peace. + +It is part of the fun of the thing, this disease. We all had it in +England in the latter days of 1914 and the early days of 1915. We also +caused expressions of horror and dismay to creep over the well-bred +faces of the regular officers we found at our barracks. + +However we all rushed about Washington enjoying the process of being +saluted and saluting. We assaulted a department store and descended to +the basement, where a worn-out clerk and his employer, especially the +latter, did what he could for us. He was interested in what he called +the "goods" which formed my tunic. He regretted that Uncle Sam had not +adopted our uniform with its large pockets and comfortable collar. I've +often wondered about this myself, but I suppose that stiff collar looks +smarter, although I am sure that it must choke a fellow. + +These fellows are going to make wonderful officers, I am sure. The whole +thing brought back to me the wonderful early days of the war when we +were all longing to get over to have a whack at the Boche. We still +enjoy fighting him since he is such a blighter, but nowadays it is +slightly different. It has become a business minus mad enthusiasm, for +we know what we are up against. + +Of course when you first get over there the chances of getting knocked +out seem one in fifty, but after six months it becomes "fifty-fifty." +After nine months or a year the chances of getting scuppered seem to +grow greater, and the deadly monotony becomes unbearable. It is then +time to get a "Blighty" and a rest in hospital. + +A visit to Washington on a Saturday afternoon is well worth while, +merely to see the young officers going about. They are very careful +about saluting. I suppose war is a bad thing from every aspect, but it +seems bearable in the capital city, when one sees the effect of military +life on the many men walking about the streets. + +One thing seemed unusual to me, and that was the number of junior +officers who were over thirty. It would seem that this in America were a +good thing. I wonder. The respect and affection shown to the young +junior officer by his men is a very fine thing. We find in our army that +the subaltern of immature age gets this much more easily than anyone +else. Affection is more powerful than respect, and when it comes to the +actual difficult, dangerous work, the leading of a charge, for +instance, the youngster can sometimes carry it off with less effort than +the older man. Of course, he has not the same sanity of judgment +possessed by the older chap. Possibly he will attempt the most +impossible kind of stunts. However, time will tell and it is useless to +compare British experience in this respect with American. + +In our army it is only the subaltern and the field marshal who can +afford to be undignified. A little lack of dignity on the part of both +is often effective. A man just over thirty is apt to overdo dignity. He +is like a second year man at a university--just a little difficult to +manage. In our army, the men seem to take a fatherly interest in their +platoon commander and will follow him to hell, if necessary. Of course, +when you become a captain or a major or something equally great, then it +is a different matter, but the subaltern has so much personal +intercourse with his men, that if you can introduce a personal feeling +of love and affection to this relation it is a great help on a nasty, +rainy, miserable night in the trenches. The subaltern forms a connecting +link between the men and the more superior officers, and that link +becomes very strong when the junior officer is an enthusiastic youth who +makes a few unimportant mistakes sometimes, but with all is a very +proper little gentleman, who understands when a fellow makes a break +occasionally. There's nothing greater in this world than love, and in +my experience there's nothing finer over there in France than the +affection, and protective interest shown by the dear old British Tommy +for the youth, not long out of school, who is his "orficer" and a +"proper torf" into the bargain, or what the Sammee would call a "reg'lar +feller." + +After dining at the hotel I had to leave my friends, and catching a +slightly unclean trolley car found myself dashing along to Annapolis. + +At the academy gates I was met by a coloured steward who, after feeling +the weight of my bag, asked if I were going to stay a week. Secretly I +hoped so, but merely laughed lightly. At the "Reina" I was received +cheerily by the commodore and his wife, and their two nieces R---- and +M----. They are both ripping girls of entirely different types. R---- is +what we would call in England a typical American girl--original, bright, +happy-go-lucky, a delightful companion; while M---- represents an +international type of young womanhood; sympathetic, the sort of girl +that makes a priceless friend, as the newsboy says: "One wat knows all +abawt yer and yet likes yer." + +The next day after lunch, dear old Eddy came on board full of enthusiasm +and witty remarks, that would come out, in spite of his efforts to keep +them back, or to reserve them for more fitting occasions. I was very +glad to see him. His father, a naval officer of rank, had lived at +Annapolis during his son's boyhood. Here Edward established a reputation +for being the "baddest" boy in America. He was brimming over with +mischief and was the terror of the young midshipmen who had attained +sufficient seniority to be allowed to walk out with young persons. + +He is still full of mischief and loves to tease people, but the person +being "ragged" always enjoys the process. I met him first at a large +steel plant. For two years he had worked very hard, practically as a +laborer, refusing to go about with the young people of the town. +Finally, however, he got promotion and found himself in the sales +department. He now burst upon our local society and no party was +complete without him. He is very much a man's man. He says more witty, +droll things in one week than most people say in five years. + +As soon as war broke out he joined the Navy as a "gob," in other words +an ordinary seaman. However, he got a commission, and was soon sent to +Annapolis for a short course of intensive training. + +We all chatted for a time and then walked round the city of Annapolis. +Annapolis is very like Cambridge, apparently quite as old fashioned, and +has numbers of nice old red brick houses rather like Queen Anne houses +in England. It seemed sound asleep. + +We sought a movie show, and went in to see some star alleged to be good +looking, playing in a piece called "The Snake's Tooth." There were no +serpents, and the star seemed to me to be a little fat and bourgeois +looking, but she wore some stunning frocks for her more agonizing +scenes. There was a handsome looking fellow moving about the screen very +well dressed. I tried to sleep, but couldn't because the chair was not +meant for sleeping in. + +After the show we went to a party given by one Peter, which was a great +success. We were the first to arrive, but soon numbers of other people +came in. I enjoyed this party very much and fell in love with both my +host and hostess. Mademoiselle, Peter's sister and our hostess, told me +that she loved my countrymen; and I told her that it would be impossible +for all my countrymen not to love her, which remark seemed to please +her. They've got a ripping little house all filled with old china, +prints, and daintily wrought silver. We were a very cheery party. All +the men were in uniform and everybody knew everybody else and I was +quite sorry when we had to return to the "Reina Mercedes" for dinner. + +However, after dinner we went to the local inn and danced, but +unfortunately, I wounded a lady's frock with my spurs so we sought the +grill room, an underground place suggesting the vault of a royal prince +in a fashionable mausoleum. + +The next day we all set off in launches to visit some friends who have a +charming country house on the Severn. There were about twenty of us and +we decided to form a club called the Reina Club. There are no rules or +regulations to our club but as we form a mutual admiration society it is +impossible to remain a member unless you like or are liked by the other +members. We made the Commodore president and his wife vice-president. + +We had a wonderful day which consisted of golf, swimming, boating, +dancing, and all sorts of other amusing things. Our host and hostess had +engaged the services of a darky band which seemed to follow us about +everywhere even while we were all swimming. I have never tried to swim +to music before. + +The Severn is a beautiful wide river. I have heard people in Australia +boasting about Sydney Harbour; I have heard New Zealanders singing the +praises of the Waitemata; I have heard Tasmanians observing that there +is no place in the world like the Derwent River; but I have never yet +heard an American say a great deal about the Severn River. And yet I +cannot imagine anything more lovely than this wide stream which winds +its stately way through the low lying hills of Maryland. + +The few houses that appear amidst the foliage help to add beauty to the +whole effect, and when the stream reaches the grounds of the academy, +with first the hospital buildings, then the pretty wee cemetery, and +finally the main group of buildings, the effect is just wonderful. You +should be there on a summer's afternoon when the river is literally +covered with the sailing craft in which the midshipmen practice +seamanship. Some of them man long-boats and dash past with long sweeps +crashing into the blue water, keeping perfect time. They all wear little +round caps edged with white, a superior edition of the head-gear worn by +the ordinary seaman. + +Sometimes larger craft will pass, manned by gentlemen wearing the +ordinary naval officer's caps but dressed in khaki shirts and breeches. +They are naval reserve officers and are out with the fell purpose of +laying mines of a harmless nature, and when they pass M----, R----, and +I give up enticing the wily crab to fix itself to the piece of mutton we +have dangling at the end of a string, and have a good look to see if we +can recognize any of our club members. Sometimes we see J----, sometimes +we catch a glimpse of B----; often J---- is at the helm, so we all wave, +but they are much too serious about their work to notice us, so we +return to the job of catching crabs for to-morrow's dinner. This crab +catching is rather fun, but R---- is very bad at it for as soon as a +crab has been tempted to fix its great big claws to the bait, she gets +very excited and the crab gets suspicious and lets go. + +One day Eddy and I called on the superintendent and had tea, and I am +perfectly certain that we stayed too long, but we hated leaving, +because our hostess and host were so amusing, and in any case, it was +their fault. There were several midshipmen present; third year men, I +believe. That academy training would make a man out of any "rabbit." + +At the end of the week, all my friends of the naval reserve graduated, +and we all went to see the ceremony. The superintendent made a short +speech, every sentence of which was of value--short, brisk, bright, +inspiring. The Secretary of the Navy then addressed the men and +presented them with their diplomas. We all cheered as our friends went +up and returned with their certificates. K---- got a particularly +enthusiastic reception. He is a youth of great size, a mighty man before +the Lord, a fine type of American manhood. He now commands a submarine +destroyer and my great hope is that the Boche sea soldiers won't get +him. + +After the ceremony we all parted feeling a little miserable in spite of +the fact that we were all going to meet in New York, a few days later, +at a party given by a very charming American lady who had invited us to +be her guests in New York. + +The New York party was a great success. I occupied an apartment at the +hotel which the Duke of Plaza Tora would have been proud to live in. We +went to theatres together and also visited the Midnight Frolic. + +The very name "Midnight Frolic" suggests sin and wickedness, but the +show is not at all wicked, really. If you want to be particularly +devilish, the thing to do is to engage a table right underneath a glass +gallery where a few chorus ladies walk around. This struck me as being a +little curious, because it could either be impossibly revolting or +merely futile. It must obviously be the latter, but I dare say certain +men feel themselves to be "reg'lar fellers" as they look at these ladies +from an impossible angle. I wonder why they have it, but I suppose the +people running the show realize that it takes lots of people to make up +this funny world, and that quite a large portion of humanity, while +hating to be really nasty, likes at times to appear fearfully wicked to +others. I guess that they are merely "showing off" like the people at +the Sunday school exercises in Tom Sawyer. This world would be a very +puritanical place if folk showed themselves to be as good as they really +are. + +The next night we went to a musical comedy which had some bright spots +marred a little by the leading actor who possessed the supreme courage +to imitate a rather more clever person than himself--Billy Sunday. Of +course, if Billy Sunday is a knave then the actor chap is doing the +right thing to expose him, but quite numbers of people have been made a +little better by the Reverend William and the evidence seems to show +that he is sincere and just as capable of making men better as of being +able to play a jolly good game of base ball. "_Voila!_" + +A few days after this I visited two members of the Reina Club who are +married to each other and who live on Long Island with a tiny wee baby. +I loved the baby especially. She had a bad cold and her wee nose was all +red at the corners and her tiny eyes were watering, but that did not +prevent her from being a profound optimist. She looked at me doubtfully +for a moment while she wondered if I would respond to the great big +smile she threatened to give me. I got the smile all right. + +And now I am back in Bethlehem, but my mind refuses to think about guns +and gun carriages, but rather persists in soaring sometimes down to +Annapolis, sometimes down to Norfolk, often across the ocean to the +Irish channel, at all of which places I have warm friends amongst the +sailors of Uncle Sam. + + + + +XIII + +GUNS AND CARRIAGES + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., October 30, 1917. + +I want to tell you about an interesting race of people called +"inspectors." If you are merely a footslogger, and know nothing about +guns and carriages, I had better give you a slight idea of the things +that happen to a simple gun and carriage before it reaches the +comparative rest of the battlefield. + +Now the word "inspector" at once suggests someone who inspects. I've had +to inspect my men in order to prepare myself and them for the visitation +of the major, who in turn awaits the colonel. But the inspection of a +gun is a very different matter. As a mere person who is responsible for +the firing of the thing, and also the unwilling target of the people who +desire to destroy the gun and its servants, I was always wont to call +the whole thing, including the wheels and all the mechanism, a "gun." +But this showed remarkable inaccuracy. The gun is just the tubes of +steel, with the top or outside one termed the jacket, that form what a +layman would call the barrel, and a properly trained recruit "the +piece." All the rest is the carriage. If you are dealing with inspectors +be very careful about this. They are generally awfully good at +mathematics, and can dictate letters by the yard without winking. They +can work out fearful things called curves. I believe this has something +to do with strain, and suggests to my unmathematical mind the dreadful +thing I had to draw in order to get through my "little go." + +Now the manufacturer of a gun and carriage doesn't just make the thing, +and then after a few trial shots hand it over to the inspector saying: +"Here's your gun. Now go and shoot the Germans, I don't think it will +burst during the first preliminary bombardment and kill a few men." No +sir! The inspector is responsible to his government, that every inch of +that gun and carriage is according to specification. I should think that +on an average each complete gun and carriage requires at least five +pounds of correspondence, three lesser arguments, four greater +arguments, two heated discussions and one decent fight. I have been +present at a fight or two and have come to the wholesome conclusion that +both sides were right--so what can you do? + +Now inspectors can be easily divided into two classes--the thorough +mechanic who knows more than the manufacturer about the production of +the piece he is inspecting, and the other. The first chap only requires +to use the five pounds of paper, and seldom or never has the arguments, +unless he lacks a sense of humour. I know an inspector of whom a shop +foreman boasted: "That ther koirnel could condemn every bit of woirk in +the shop without making a single enemy." Now in these times of stress +the fellow above described is a rare blessing, so the men on the job +have got to do their very best. Still inspectors are strange and +interesting people. + +Before I came out here, I toured all the great munition factories in +England. I had a wonderful time, but never met an inspector. Now that I +come to think of it, I do remember having seen sitting at the table at +lunch one day some gunner officers, but I thought that they were +anti-aircraft fellows. They must have been inspectors. + +In peace time, I suppose the job is an entirely different proposition. +The firm that manufactures artillery and shells probably gets an order +for half a dozen equipments and I suppose the contract time is liberal. +Then the inspector's job and the manufacturer's is simple. The inspector +must have rigid attention to specifications, and the manufacturer, +possibly, only has his best men doing the work. I should think then that +things would run smoothly. + +In these days of stress the contract time is cut down to the shortest +possible, and instead of getting orders by the dozen, a manufacturer +gets them by the hundred, sometimes by the thousand. The result is that +all his men are on the job. Also many other munition firms are doing the +same sort of work and really good workmen become scarce. Then again the +inspection staff is multiplied tremendously, and it naturally takes +years to make a really good inspector. Still the fellows I know do their +very utmost to make things go smoothly. But let me tell you just a +little about things as I see them, and of course I see them through +inexperienced eyes. + +A manufacturer decides to make a gun and some money, thereby proving +himself to be an optimist. Of course, he may succeed in making the gun. +Poor fellow! He ought to be allowed to make the inspector, too. But he +cannot, and so commences a strife in comparison to which the great war +is a mild performance. + +An inspector is ordered to inspect the production of guns at a given +munition plant. He arrives, and meets the officials of the company, and +the first hour is spent in social amenities. But the inspector is not +deceived. He knows that all manufacturers are nice villains, so he must +be on his guard. If, however, he is a villain himself, and I deny, of +course, the existence of villainous inspectors, the matter should be +easy and simple; the whole process is delightful and the manufacturer +will make much money and his optimism will be justified. If the +manufacturer is an honest gentleman and, strangely enough, all the +manufacturers I have met are honest gentlemen, a villainous inspector +will have a hectic time. Some honest manufacturers are comparatively +intelligent, and of course the villainous inspector, if he existed, +would soon leave a rope behind him upon which he could be safely hanged. +Upon an occasion like this if it should happen, I, as a Briton, would +sing "God Save Our Gracious King," and an American would doubtlessly +sing "The Star Spangled Banner," if he could only remember the words and +had a voice of sufficient mobility. However, the whole position is +difficult. There are boundless opportunities for an inspector to develop +"frightfulness." + +But let us trace the history of a simple gun and carriage. Its +opportunities for frightfulness and a frightful mess end only when it +reaches the firing line. It has really reached paradise or Nirvana when +it is issued to the battery. + +The manufacturer gives orders to the steel mill to make certain steel +ingots. The inspectorial eye watches the billets. They must be of +sufficient length so that the frothy part of the ingot at the top will +not form a vital part of the forging. Generally speaking, the +intelligence of the steel man prevents this from happening so that the +inspector merely gives this a little attention. + +The steel is then forged into what eventually will be tubes, breech +rings, and jackets. You see a gun is generally made in at least two +parts unless it is a very small one. They are shrunk together. The +inspector ignores these forgings until they have been "heat-treated." +It is sufficient to say that the forgings are placed in the hands of the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department. After treatment, a +portion of the steel is cut off. This portion enters the laboratory and +here it is placed in a machine which pulls it apart. The machine +displays a sort of tug of war and the inspectors watch. The steel has +got to stand a certain strain. At a certain strain it should stretch; +this is called the elastic limit. At a greater strain it should break, +this is called the ultimate limit. If the steel fails to pass, the +gentleman in charge of the treatment department has failed us all, and a +feeling of exhaustion creeps over the man in charge of production, for +he knows that he must worry the life out of the fellow until he gets it +through again. In these times of stress when all munition factories in +America are endeavouring to work above their capacity the man in charge +of production has a rotten time of it. + +However, the steel sometimes gets through and finally reaches a machine +shop. Generally speaking, the foreign inspector doesn't worry very much +about the actual gun until it has been proof-fired. If the manufacturer +has been clever he will have caused his own inspection staff to watch +closely every inch of the steel as the machine work gradually exposes +the metal. If he is wise he will immediately condemn the whole thing if +it is very bad. If the fault is trifling he will have several arguments +and a heated discussion including an appeal to the production man, who +will sympathize but do very little. Perhaps the inspector will decide to +let the work go on. Inspectors are sometimes bad at deciding. They +ponder and ponder and ponder until the production man decides that they +are fools and the manufacturer's man decides that they are villainous +and officious, and possess any amount of damnable qualities. It is all +very difficult. I seem to be wandering on and on about inspectors, but +it is interesting when you think that in a comparatively simple gun and +carriage there are at least three thousand parts, and every part +contains the possibility of an argument. + +Why doesn't this wonderful country give titles to its kings of +manufacture? It would simplify matters considerably. You see Mr. Jones +in the position of an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly +Major Jones of the Terriers regards himself as much superior to any +"damned Yankee," and takes a vastly superior attitude. This can be +displayed in an argument. Now if Mr. Beetles, president of the Jerusalem +Steel Company, could only be Lord Rekamnug or the Duke of Baws, believe +me, our national snobbishness would prevent Mr. Jones in the position of +an inspector, or even Lieutenant Jones, or possibly Major Jones of the +Terriers minus a sense of humour, from taking the futile attitude of +superiority which could only be displayed by the wives and daughters of +the more elegant clergy and smaller country gentlemen in "Blighty." + +Of course, as a production man, it is my duty to regard inspectors as +effete. Still I will be a traitor and say that a certain inspector who +was at one time the manager of a large ordnance factory not many miles +from Leamington did a great deal for our country over here during this +time of trouble. I wish I could mention his name, but I fear the censor. +He was the "koirnal who could condemn any amount of work without making +a single enemy." He had personality--that colonel. + +An inspector obviously should be a specialist. He must know his job +thoroughly. He must know as much about manufacture and metallurgy as the +average officer in a mounted regiment thinks he knows about horses. As I +said before, the whole matter was perfectly simple in the days of peace. +Now it is different. It is impossible to get sufficient men in these +days for the job, so we have got to take what we can get. The most +dangerous form of inspector is the fellow that knows just a little and +pretends that he knows an awful lot. His very ignorance allied to his +sense of duty will make it impossible for him to decide when a part is +serviceable, although not absolutely up to specifications. This man +causes delays and trouble. + +Then there is the chap who knows quite a lot, but alas, possesses no +sense of humour! This type is called an obstructionist. He is very +difficult, well nigh impossible. He has much fighting spirit and +thoroughly enjoys a dispute with the manufacturer. He also enjoys his +autocratic position. Quite often he gives in all right, but he lacks +"sweet reasonableness." The longer one lives, the more one sees the +value of personality in every branch of life. + +An essential quality in a good inspector is personality. This never +exists minus a sense of humour. An inspector has to condemn masses of +work--work that has had hours and hours of patient machining and +fitting. If he could only do it nicely! Quite often, he uses a large axe +when a fine surgical instrument would save a lot of trouble. In America +it ought not to be difficult, for in my humble opinion the American +manufacturer is generally "sweetly reasonable." It always seems to me a +good thing if you honestly disapprove of a man or a nation, moreover, in +dealing with that man or nation to hide your thoughts, or forget them, +if possible. Take the "wisest fool" in Christendom's advice to the +Presbyterians at the Hampton Court conference--"Pray, gentlemen, +consider that perhaps you may be wrong." + +In every organization there is always a definite procedure which has got +to be adhered to. The big man and the fool will take a short cut +sometimes and they often get away with it. Of course, they do not +always and there is trouble, but the big man takes his punishment. The +mediocre man will always stick to the beaten tracks, with the crowd. + +It has always seemed to me that during these distressful times all short +cuts should be taken. The guns have got to get to France and that is all +about it. If they are thoroughly serviceable that is all that matters. + +But talking about short cuts and fools, I remember an awful thing that +happened to me once in the early days of the war while we were training +in England. I, as a fellow from the cavalry, was given the charming job +of teaching the N.C.O.'s of two brigades to ride. It had to be done +quickly, of course, so instead of taking the men into the riding school +I used to take them across country. Of course, they fell off by the +dozens. I commanded them to follow me and dashed down narrow tracks in +the forest at a good smart trot. It meant bending down to avoid branches +or getting swept off. All kinds of things used to happen but they learnt +to stick to their horses. Sometimes I had not enough horses, and I am +ashamed to say that some of my fellows pinched all the mounts from +another battery. Quite selfish this, and when the officer commanding the +battery whose horses had been pinched asked where his gees were, he was +told that they had been pinched "by that there lootenant who takes the +sergeants out over the hills to see the German prison camps." Of course, +it is well to say that I was ignorant of the whole proceeding and +although all Battery D's horses had been taken they only numbered about +twelve. Incidentally this officer said nothing to me about it, but he +gave his own men hell for allowing the horses to be taken, showing +himself thereby a clever man. However, I did not mind very much. My +N.C.O.'s had to learn to ride and that was all about it. + +One day I decided that as they had all attained a good seat it might be +a good idea to put them through a short course in the riding school. It +was important that I should get the riding school at the time I wanted +it which was nine o'clock. I am ashamed to say that I had not read +orders that morning otherwise I would have scented danger. + +At 8.45 I sent three large Welsh miners up to the riding school to +prevent others from getting there before me. I told them to hold the +school against all comers. This thrilled them; our sentries were only +armed with sticks in those days, so they procured large sticks and took +up a position at the door of the riding school. I wish I had read orders +that day. + +At nine o'clock I advanced to the door of the school, and to my horror I +saw a gentleman on a large horse with a red cap and many decorations +being held at bay by my three Welshmen. I nearly beat a strategic +retreat, but it was difficult so I advanced in much fear. He rode up to +me looking purple and said: "Did you put these men here to hold the +riding school?" I saluted and replied meekly: "Yes, sir!" "Why, may I +ask?" "Well, sir," I replied, "I have never had a chance to use the +riding school and every time I come I find it already full." He looked +bitterly at me and said: "Boy, do you ever read orders?" This silenced +me. Then he started to move off but turning round asked me my name, and +then he said: "Never put sentries at the door of a riding school; it +isn't soldiering." + +It was all very terrible but Providence looks after fools and I had my +hour in the riding school. When lunch time came I rushed to the mess and +looked at orders. My heart sank. They showed that a staff officer had +arranged to inspect a certain battery's equestrian powers that morning. +The men under a sergeant had arrived, but being impressed by the +formidable appearance of the Welshmen had decided to go somewhere else. +The colonel then arrived and found my sentries. A staff colonel was +nothing in their lives, but I as their "lootenant" was very much so, and +they knew that they would get into trouble if they failed to do what I +had ordered. I was very pleased with them, but knew there would be +trouble for me. I had only been an officer three weeks and it looked +very bad. + +At lunch time I sat as far away as possible from the staff officer. My +own colonel, a topping chap, who had left his charming old country house +to help to make us all soldiers sat next to him. Elderly colonels are +sometimes a little deaf and they shout as a rule. I was very worried +until I saw my own colonel looking down at me with a grin. A moment +after, he gave the staff colonel a smack on the back and said: "Timkins, +you funny old top, fancy being kept out of the riding school by one of +my subalterns!" I felt safe after that and looked for promotion. + +Of course, I would not recommend that sort of thing to any one. After a +time, I learnt better and discovered that at regular intervals during +the week I had the right to use the riding school. It appeared in +orders. However, I learnt a great lesson, _i.e._, that if you want a +thing badly enough there are always ways of getting it if you are +willing to take risks. However, it is a good idea to know the extent of +the risk. + +In this life you must be honest, of course, but there is nothing like a +little wiliness to help out occasionally. My major was the wiliest +person I have ever met, also the best officer. He knew more than most +people did in the brigade because he had been wounded at the Marne, +though slightly, so that in the early days of training he was the only +officer of rank who had seen service. + +One day he sent me off to the ordnance stores with about one hundred +men, because he alleged that the "emergency caps" supplied to the men +did not fit. They did fit all right, but the major had hopes. These +emergency caps were made of nasty blue serge and were the variety that +are placed on the side of the head and that are shaped like the boats +you make for children out of a square of paper. They suggest a section +of the bellows of a concertina. + +Now the way to get stores from the ordnance depot is to write out a +requisition. It is sent off by the Q.M.S., and returns in a day or two, +because he has not filled out the form correctly. However, after many +weeks the things arrive but half of them may not fit, and there is +trouble and worry. Upon no consideration, do you send your men to the +stores to have the caps and tunics fitted. This is obviously impossible. +However, off I went with my hundred men to Aldershot, eight miles +distant. They were a funny bunch, I will admit. We arrived at the +department where caps were kept. We marched in fours, myself at the +head, and then came into line in front of the building. It had never +occurred before and astonishment was displayed on the faces of the +sergeants and others, who wondered what should happen next. I sought the +officer in charge and the sergeant took me to his office. On the way I +took some shameless steps with the sergeant and made him my friend for +life. + +The officer in charge, a ranker captain, was not very pleased, but I +talked a lot and made him regard himself as vital to my earthly +happiness. I painted in vivid colours the smallness of my men's caps; +how they fell off when they doubled, and what confusion ensued in the +ranks as they all stooped to pick them up. He grew more friendly, and +slightly amused, and said he would do what he could. We started to go +out to the men, the sergeant helping me wonderfully, but, alas, we met +an old man with a red cap and of furious mien who stood looking at my +brave soldiers in the distance with much displeasure. He came to me and +gave me blazes and ordered me to get out of it. He disliked intensely +the fact that my major regarded him as a shop keeper, he, the "D.C.O.S." +or something equally dreadful! I explained that the caps did not fit, +and that we were desperate men. He said: "They do fit." "Well, sir, will +you have a look?" We had to go round, in order to avoid a platform from +which stores were loaded into wagons G. S. I jumped this place and +quickly told the sergeant to make the men put their caps on the very tip +of their heads, to change some, to do anything, but to do it quickly. +The men were fools--they took the matter as a joke and commenced +exchanging one anothers' caps, laughing and affecting a certain cunning +which seemed fatal to me. The general, of course, caught them in the +very act, appreciated the situation and roared with laughter. After +that it was not difficult. All of my men were supplied, not with new +emergency caps, but with beautiful field service khaki caps and they +took away with them one hundred extra caps for the men at home. When +this operation had finished the general said: "Now is there anything +else that you want, for I'm damned if I will have you coming here again +in this manner?" It was all wrong, hopelessly wrong, but we were proud +soldiers as we marched back into the barracks at Deep Cut, each man +wearing a perfect cap and carrying another. Of sixteen batteries, we +were the only people who could boast of "caps, service field." + +The major, of course, was pleased but if it had not come off I should +have been the person to get _strafed_, and not he. + +There are always short cuts, even in the inspection of guns and +carriages. + +I sometimes wonder how I have managed to get along out here possessing +so much ignorance of business. It has been comparatively simple. I had +no intention of being clever, even if it were possible, and from the +start I took a perfectly honest line, and placed all my cards on the +table. I found that this was a fairly unusual manner of doing business +and it worked well. I also made the discovery that, instead of being +cunning knaves, the American manufacturers of my experience were honest +gentlemen. In any case, I decided that if they were cunning the heights +of my cunning would never reach theirs, owing to my lack of experience. +I also endeavoured to learn from them a "good approach." This helped. I +just put it up to them. "Here am I out here to get work from you. We +must have it. We've got to _strafe_ the Germans somehow and it is up to +you to help me." And they have, bless them, especially the big men. At +any rate, I can safely say that anything I have wanted I have got. + +I think that I realized the situation. Not only had they mostly "bitten +off more than they could chew," but they had not realized the +difficulties they were up against. Of course, one had to use a little +common sense. During my time here in America one has learnt a great +deal, and, indeed, one has met some villains. They were not "Yankee +manufacturers." + +Do you remember Lady Deadlock's lover in "Bleak House," and the street +boy's eulogy after his death, "He was very good to me, he was"? That is +how I feel towards the men I have met during my time here. They have +been very good to me, all of them. I suppose that if I had been an +inspector the matter would have been different. Perhaps I have laughed a +little at inspectors, but my job has been child's play compared with +theirs. + +The average American, like other folk, enjoys a decent fight, but he +dislikes killing people by machinery; hence the machinery of war has +never been manufactured to any great extent over here. The American is +impatient of delay. He wants to get going. When held up, he sometimes +fails to see the inspector's point of view. He is an optimist, but +optimism in gun and carriage manufacture will often bring some +bitterness of heart, and when an optimist develops bitterness, it's +awful. + + + + +XIV + +A PREMATURE + + + BETHLEHEM, U. S. A., November, 1917. + +I have grown steadily to love the American people. English people I have +met in this country have helped me so much. Contrasta!! + +I went to Cambridge after life in New Zealand, where a spade is called a +spade--and that's all about it; where, if you are strong enough, you +knock a man down if he calls you a liar. At Cambridge, I discovered that +no one had any desire to call anyone else a liar. Lying persons, and +those who told unpleasant truths, were not on your list of acquaintances +and as far as you were concerned they did not exist. "Napoo," as Tommy +says. + +But the people one did know and like, one studied and endeavoured to +understand. One also tried to act accordingly so that even if they +behaved in a peculiar fashion one avoided allowing them to even suspect +disapproval. + +So our older universities try valiantly to turn out, not necessarily +educated persons, but persons who have a faint idea how to behave +themselves when they are away from home. This does not mean merely the +use of an elegant accent called here with a little amusement "English." +It means that the fellow who takes a superior attitude towards anyone is +merely a stupid bounder. It means also that the fellow who thinks +himself, as a member of the British Nation, to be better or in any way +superior to any other nation is a fool. He may be superior, of course, +but the mere thought of this superiority entering his mind ruins him at +once, and, as I said before, turns him into a bounder. + +In other words, "Love your own country intensely and beyond all other +countries, but for Heaven's sake don't let anyone suspect that you +regard yourself as a good specimen of its human production." If, +unfortunately, you discover, not only that you love yourself, but also +that it is owing to you and your like that the British Empire is great, +climb the Woolworth Building, not forgetting to pay your dime, and then +drop gracefully from the highest pinnacle. You will save your nation and +your countrymen much suffering and a good deal of embarrassment. + +No one has ever given this advice before, I am quite sure: that probably +accounts for the fact that Britishers _do_ suffer and are embarrassed +when they meet some of their fellow countrymen over here, for it is +quite un-British to be a bounder, and it is quite un-Christian to be a +snob. Which is a strange fact, but true nevertheless: yet, who would +suspect it. + +I used to think that an American was a hasty person, constantly talking +about the finest thing on the earth, which he deemed everything American +to be; that his wife was a competent, rather forward person, who +delighted to show her liberty by upsetting our old notions of propriety. +I have often heard people telling the story of the American lady who +thought it funny to blow out some sacred light that had never been +extinguished for centuries--and all that sort of thing. In fact, +anything outrageous done in England or on the continent by a woman is at +once put down to an American. We had some charming specimens of Britons +on the continent in the days of peace. + +And yet we sincerely like the American people. We don't mean to run them +down really, but we assume a superior air that must be perfectly awful. +I have been just as guilty. I remember feeling quite faint at St. John's +College, Oxford, where they seemed to have the unpleasant habit of +breakfasting in hall, when I heard two Rhodes' scholars talking. They +were very friendly to the waiters, who hated it, and their accent +disgusted me. They seemed isolated, too. At the moment, having lived for +a year in America, I wonder how on earth one's attitude could have been +such. Frankly, there seems no excuse: it is merely rude and +unpardonable. Still, perfectly nice people have this attitude. I wish +that we could change, because the effect over here is most regrettable. +One would like the Americans to know us at our best, because we are not +really an unpleasant people. + +Of course, the sloppy individual seeking a fortune arrives "over here" +and burns incense to the "Yankees," as he calls them, but they are not +deceived. Some of us used to look upon the folk over here as fair game. +All Americans are hospitable, even the very poor, and a stray Englishman +comes in for his share of kindness. But he invariably assumes a superior +attitude, although unconsciously. + +The American people have mostly been with us all along in our efforts to +fight the Germans. The well educated people definitely like us, but the +great mass just don't. The Irish element hates us, or poses that way. +_People don't know this._ + +In England we don't seem to realize the Irish question. We regard the +Irish as a delightful and amusing people. Most of our serious experience +has been with the Irish gentry, really English and Scotch, who through +years have assumed the delightful mannerisms of the people with whom +they have lived. We also shoot and hunt with the real Irishman and find +him delightful and romantic. His wonderful lies and flattery please us, +but we don't for a single instant take him seriously. The great mass of +people here think that we ill-treat the Irish. This is interesting. An +Irishman arrives here and finds wonderful opportunities for expansion, +and glorious opportunities to fight. He compares his present life with +that of his former and the former looks black and horrible. An +Englishman and a Scotchman of the same class feel the same way. The +Irishman having been brought up on "Irish wrongs" blames the English for +his past discomfort. I have heard fairly intelligent people speaking of +Irish wrongs, but when asked in what way the Irish treatment differs +from that meted out to the average Englishman they are unable to answer. +The thing seems a little bit involved. + +During this time of war there have been, of course, large numbers of +Englishmen over here on duty. Their attitude varies a little, but on the +whole, it is a little difficult to understand. Lieutenant Jones arrives, +having been badly wounded and is unfit for further service. The folk +here at once give him a wonderful time. They listen to his words and +entertain him very much. So much incense is burnt to him that his head +becomes pardonably swelled. Representing his government and the buyer of +huge supplies he has interviews with great men, who treat him with vast +respect. They ask him to spend week-ends at their houses. + +The great captain of industry has risen to his present position by one +of two things--either by brutal efficiency, or by terrific personality, +but mostly the latter. The subaltern finds him charming and, mark you, +very humble. Temporary Lieutenant Smith likes the Americans. + +Millionaires and multi-millionaires are often his companions. He is +receiving, possibly, three hundred dollars a month, but he seldom has to +entertain himself. Familiarity breeds contempt, and he feels that he +himself ought really to be a millionaire. His advice is often taken and +a certain contempt for the intelligence of his friends creeps into his +mind. He thinks of after-the-war days and he endeavours to lay plans. He +perhaps lets a few friends know that he wants a job after the war, +though I have not heard of any one seeking a millionaire's daughter. + +Now arrives plain Mr. Jones who has not been to the front. American +society tries him out, and, finding him wanting, to his astonishment +drops him. In American society you must have something to recommend you. +You must amuse and interest. The mere fact of your being a +representative of Great Britain won't save you. You must also be a +gentleman and behave accordingly. If you even think that the American +people are rather inferior and a little awful you are done. I know +several British people in America who are not known in polite society, +and who seem to have fallen back upon their Britishness and spend +diverting hours discussing the "damn Yankees." That is, of course, the +whole trouble. People never seem to realize that the tongue is not the +only method of communication. Our feelings can be communicated without +a word spoken. So some of us over here talk fairly and courteously to +the American people, while regarding them as something a little terrible +and quite impossible socially. Our hosts realise this at once and like +children they are fearfully sensitive. It either amuses them or makes +them furious, generally the former. + +When we visit France or Spain and endeavour to learn the language of +either country, we regard ourselves as peculiarly clever persons if we +can manage to cultivate the French or Spanish idioms and manners. We +even return to England and affect them a little, in order that people +may see that we are travelled persons. Imitation is the sincerest form +of flattery, I suppose; but never do we imitate the Americans, or even +affect their manners while here. To illustrate. In Bethlehem, and indeed +in other parts of America, it is _de rigeur_ to say that you are pleased +to meet a person when introduced. It is done by the best people. In +England, a person who says he is pleased to meet you is suspected of +having some ulterior motive. It is not done. + +I spent a happy day in Washington with some members of the Balfour +mission and I noticed that one fellow, an Oxford Don, invariably said +when introduced to American people: "I'm very pleased to meet you." He +explained that it was the custom of the country and had to be followed. +It is not wonderful that one noticed how well these fellows got on with +the folk here. + +Americans have a profound dislike for gossip. They seldom "crab" people. +Of course, a conversation is never so interesting as when someone's +reputation is getting smashed to pieces, but this is not done here. If a +party of British people with their wives (and emphasis is laid on the +wives) get together there are sure to be some interesting happenings. +Each wife will criticise the other wife and generally there will be a +certain amount that is unpleasant. In England we understand this, and +expect it. The picture of people of the same blood squabbling together +in a foreign country is quite diverting and interesting to Americans. +One English woman will criticise another English woman, and will do so +to an American who promptly tells her friends. I have heard some very +interesting tales. + +Frankly, my fellow countrymen have shown me many wonderful qualities +amongst our cousins, and I have realized a big thing. The American +people must get to know us and they must get to like us. I wonder if we +shall bother to like them? + + + + +XV + +"BON FOR YOU: NO BON FOR ME" + + +I get slightly annoyed with the newspapers and indeed with some of my +friends over here when they pass rude remarks about the King of England. +The people don't seem to understand why we keep a king and all that sort +of thing. They all admit that the British Empire is a successful +organization, but they cannot quite see that an empire must have an +emperor. When one thinks of India without its emperor! Still the point +is that the majority of British citizens of every colour prefer to have +a king and that is all there is about it. + +When the news of the Russian revolution broke upon the world, people of +this country commenced to discuss the possibility of similar occurrences +in other European countries. It was said by some that Germany and +Austria-Hungary would soon follow suit, and that even England would give +up her childish, through ornamental practice of having kings in golden +crowns, and noble lords riding in stately carriages. In other words, the +rest of the world, realizing the advantages of the United States form of +government, would sooner or later have revolutions of more or less +ferocity and change into republics. And it is easy to understand this. +A monarchy seems totally opposed to common sense. + +It was very interesting to see the remarks in the newspapers of this +country when his Majesty King George of England attended the service in +St. Paul's, London, on America's Day. + +They were kindly, of course, as befits the American characteristic of +kindliness. One paper likened the king to a national flag which England +kept as an interesting antique. He was also described as an "Emblem of +Unity," whatever that may mean. One leading New York paper, in saying +that England was doing very well as she is in that she is keeping the +flame of democracy burning, remarked that "George's" sole contribution +to the war was the banishment of wine from his table. I suppose the +writer of this article must be intimately acquainted with the king when +he can call him by his Christian name. Always Americans seem to think +that Great Britain is a democracy in spite of the monarchy. We of Great +Britain know that she is a democracy and a great empire because of the +monarchy. Some day America will realize more fully that the things of +the spirit are greater than the things of the flesh. Then she will +understand why we love our King; and do you know, we do love him quite a +lot. + +I am going to try to explain, a difficult task, why a monarchy is for us +the most effective form of government. A nation is, I suppose, a group +of persons bound together for self-preservation. In order to make +self-preservation effective it is essential that there should be unity +and contentment. In England, where there is really a surplus population, +this is difficult. So a government will take into consideration all the +needs of the people over whom it is placed. Nothing must be forgotten, +or sooner or later there will be trouble. With us the task is a +difficult one. With her vast empire it is marvellous how Great Britain +succeeds. She succeeds because she realizes that men will follow the +dictates of their hearts rather than their minds. The world was +astonished when at the hour of her need men of every color came from +every corner of the earth to give if necessary their lives for the +empire because they loved it so dearly. The things of the spirit are +greater than the things of the flesh. Our monarchy is really a thing of +the spirit. Take it away from us and surely you will see the British +Empire crumble and decay. The world would be poorer then. We Britons +have irritating faults; of course we have. Our insular snobbishness must +be very irritating to American people. Still we try to be fair and just +in our muddling way. God knows we have done some rather curious things +at times. They say we were atrocious to the Boers, yet the Boers to-day +are loyal to the empire of which they are now an important part. We +don't force this loyalty; it just grows. + +So we British beg of the American people not to suggest taking our king +from us. It is difficult to explain this patriotism which produces such +results; but go to New Zealand and you will find that it is the boast, +and the proud boast of many, that they have seen the king. Go to +Australia, where the working man rules the country, and hear the +national anthem played, or watch the flag being saluted in the schools, +and if you are courageous pass a rude remark about the king. Go to any +part of the empire, and you will find something inexplicable, something +unexplainable, which always points to Buckingham Palace and the little +man there. Americans look upon this with good-natured condescension. I +wonder why? It is not far to Canada, but you will find it there, too, +where they ought to be more enlightened since they live next to the +greatest republic. Always is it the empire, and always is "God save the +King" the prayer of the people. Perhaps we are a little bit mad, we +British, but I daresay we will continue being mad, since madness binds +together a mighty throng of people who in perhaps a poor sort of way +stand for fairness and decency. We all know how much of the child +remains in us, even when we are old. We look back to the days when we +believed in fairies, and sometimes when we are telling stories to our +children we let our imagination have full play, and gnomes and fairies +and even kings and princesses once more people our minds. + +Is there anything more obnoxious than a child who refuses to believe in +fairies or who is not thrilled at Christmas time at the approaching +visit of Santa Claus? He misses so much. He hasn't got that foundation +to his mind that will make life bearable when responsibility brings its +attendant troubles. Take away our monarchy and we Britons become like +children who don't believe in fairies. We won't know what to do. The +monarchy supplies a wonderful need to us. + +There is also a more practical reason for the retention of the monarchy. +We hold that a constitutional monarch is necessary to a properly +decentralized form of government. Party politics reign supreme in +England. The government passes a bill amidst the howls of the opposition +party and the opposition press. Then the bill is taken to the King and +he has _the_ right to veto it. He knows, however, that he must rule in +accordance with the wishes of his people, and so the bill receives the +royal signature and becomes law. A subtle change occurs. The press, +wonderfully powerful in England, becomes less bitter and the opposition +ceases to rage a little. Soon the law settles down into its right place. +So the king's signature is effective in that it makes the issuing of a +new law gentler and sweeter. + +Is it not true that a king of great personality can have tremendous +power for good? Most people recognize now the power of our late King +Edward, some know the influence of our present monarch. All through +this present war we feel that the king is sharing our troubles and +suffering. You know we are suffering awfully in Great Britain. Even our +insular snobbishness does not help us a bit. It seems to have gone +somehow. + +The king is a gentleman, and can't possibly advertise himself, but it is +true that very little goes on without his knowing all about it. He has +been working hard reviewing troops, visiting the sick and wounded, +helping in a thousand ways. Then he is so fine in his encouragement of +individuals. A few words from him to a keen officer helps that officer +for the rest of his life. + +And so the king sweetens our national life. We love him; of course we +do, and we can't help it. Possibly we are fools, but we glory in our +foolishness. + +A young English officer received the D. S. O. and the Military Cross and +finally died at Loos, getting the V. C. He, of course, went to the +palace to receive both the D. S. O. and the Military Cross. His father, +an old man with snowy white hair, went to get the V. C. The king gave +him the medal with a few conventional words, and then, while shaking +hands, whispered to the old man to remain. The king, upon finishing the +distribution of medals, took the father into an anteroom and then said +very quietly: "I say, Mr. K----, I am awfully sorry for you! I've been +interested in this boy of _ours_ and remember him well." Then the old +man sat down and told the king all about his son, and went away +comforted greatly and very proud of his son. + +This is just a little thing, but it is the kind of thing that supplies +our need. + +You know we don't want a republic. Why should we have one? We have a +king. + +If American people want to understand us they must take this into +account. When they talk in terms of good-natured deprecation of our king +it hurts. I once spent a week-end with one of the greatest men in this +country and was surprised to hear him praising the monarchy merely from +a business point of view, and he knew what he was talking about. He had +wandered around London listening to the people talk and had studied the +whole thing from the coldly commercial side. Perhaps I am talking from +an idealistic point of view, and yet my life spent in many parts of the +world has been a practical one. It is, of course, quite possible that +the world's civilization may collapse and fall to pieces for a season. +Human passions are queer things; the cruel spirit of the mob still +exists, and it only becomes rampant where the things of the flesh have +become greater than the things of the spirit. This war has made us +suffer so much that in spite of cheery optimism we are almost benumbed +in Great Britain. I was in a large division that was reviewed by the +king on Salisbury Plain the day before embarkation, and as we marched +past the king on his pretty black Arab he looked at each one of us with +that humble expression of a father looking upon his son, and through +many weary months in France and Flanders that look was with us, and it +helped and encouraged. Even my big charger seemed to know that the king +was inspecting him, for he kept time to the march from "Scipio," and we +gave the very best salute we could muster up. Possibly none of the men +of that division are together to-day. + +The king saw more than one mighty throng of cheery men marching so gayly +over the beautiful plain of Salisbury. He saw those men, young and +beautiful, for they were of the first hundred thousand, going out to +face the disciplined German army. He saw them spending fearful days and +awful nights in the trenches, being fired at and having little +ammunition to return the fire. He saw the first casualty lists coming +out and realised the suffering that he would share with many a mother, +father and sweetheart. Yet he was proud to be King of England that day, +and we were proud of him as our king. We couldn't possibly be proud of a +president. We are fearful snobs in England and the biggest snobs among +us are the working classes. We of England admire the United States form +of government. At present it seems the right thing over here. It would +never do for us. + + + + +XVI + +A NAVAL VICTORY + + + October, 1917. + +I went to Philadelphia the other day, and putting up at the hotel at +once called up M----, who said that as she was a member of the Motor +Messenger Corps it behooved her to show herself at a large meeting that +Corps had decided to arrange for getting recruits for the Navy. She said +that she had a box; so I suggested delicately that I might help her to +occupy the said box. Nothing would give her greater pleasure, but as she +had several girls with her, she suggested that I might feel awkward +unless she got another man. Having assured her that, on the contrary, +nothing would give me greater pleasure, I was then asked to accompany +her, so at eight o'clock, dressed in a strange imitation of a badly +turned out British officer, she dashed up in her Henry Ford and took me +to the demonstration. + +The box was well exposed and there I sat with two ladies, disguised as +officers, in the front seats, and two more behind. There were several +hundred blue jackets decorating the stage, all armed with instruments, +and the programme stated that the said blue jackets were the band of +Sousa. + +Dressed in the uniform of a lieutenant in the U. S. Navy the great +conductor marched on to the stage, bowed to the audience a little, +mounted a stand, gave one beat, and Hey Presto! off went the band. Of +course it was wonderful, made even more thrilling by the dress of the +performers. + +He played piece after piece and then a gentleman in evening dress walked +on followed by a rather nervous looking Admiral of the British Navy. The +gentleman promptly commenced to eulogize the Admiral, who must have felt +rather terrible, but he stepped forward, Sousa meanwhile breaking into +"God Save the King." The Admiral commenced. He was obviously nervous; +however, his lack of power as an orator was very effective, and he spoke +a little about destroyers, and then stopped. Sousa then played, rather +too quickly and without much feeling, "Rule Britannia." I felt +militantly British and was very proud of the Admiral's entire lack of +oratorical power. + +We had some more wonderful music from Sousa and after some flattering +remarks from the gentleman in evening dress, General W---- stepped +forward and said a few well chosen words. They were very effective and +to the point. He looked every inch a soldier, and was faultlessly turned +out: we all liked him. After that we had some more music and then the +gentleman in evening dress with more complimentary remarks ushered in a +man dressed as a British officer in "slacks" which did not fit well. He +was a tall youth with a very good looking face, brown curly hair, and an +engaging smile showing a set of good teeth. The gentleman in evening +dress commenced, as we thought then, to torture him about his gallantry +in action and all that sort of thing, and then the officer started. + +He said some big things. He remarked that he had heard it said in +America that the British were using Colonial troops to shield their own +men. Incidentally I have often heard this said, but anxiously, as though +the speaker could not believe it but wanted to be reassured. I have +always laughed at this statement and remarked that to use one man to +shield ten or twelve was too difficult a proposition for the "powers +that be" in England. To deny it on my part, as a British officer, seemed +too ridiculous; besides, the whole thing is so obviously German +propaganda. + +However, I was interested to hear how this Australian chap would deal +with the thing, so I listened carefully. He went on to explain what he +had heard and then said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as an Australian +officer, I want to tell you that it is a _Damned Lie_." He brought the +thing out with much feeling. He then endeavoured to explain the +Gallipoli campaign and denied its being a failure. + +A little blood commenced to flow about the stage at this time and he +was getting worked up. I have heard similar oratory in Sydney. Perhaps +he was getting too eloquent, but he had the crowd with him, and I know +that quite a number of young ladies felt cold shivers down their spinal +columns. + +He said in stirring phrases that Australia and the Australians were not +in any way annoyed with the home government about the Gallipoli +business. They ought to be a little, it seemed to me, but I was thrilled +by his loyalty to the homeland. He then convinced us all of the +wonderful discipline prevailing in the Australian army. I am sure that +he helped us. The American people liked to hear about Australia, and +were glad to hear that we British were not poltroons. The few of us +there felt proud to have such a fellow standing up for us, and even we +were a little thrilled by the gory stories that he told. He certainly +dismissed from the minds of those present any idea of a breaking up of +the British Empire. + +So far he had spoken wonderfully, but after three-quarters of an hour he +waxed very eloquent and, throwing out his arms, he commenced using just +a little too often the words "Men and Women of America," smiling sadly +the while and getting a little like a parson. + +He now attacked the pacifists in that clever and abusive way which I +have only heard once before, when the editor of a flamboyant Sydney +paper gave a lecture in the old City Hall at Auckland. The said editor +being rather a noted character, the mayor had refused to occupy the +chair, and he was abused impersonally, but viciously and cleverly. In +like manner, the pacificists in Philadelphia were called "pestiferous +insects" a rather unpleasant sounding term and hardly descriptive. I +wish that he hadn't used that phrase. Still he was effective and I am +certain did a great deal of good. + +I have one complaint to make, however. This Australian seemed to express +a terrific hate for the Germans and spoke about their atrocities. He +mentioned seeing men lying dead in No Man's Land until their eyes were +eaten out and all that sort of thing. He grew furious with the Boche, +and carried the audience with him. He spoke of women getting +"desecrated." Groans and angry mutterings could be heard throughout the +hall and I awoke to the strange fact that a British officer was sowing +in America a feeling of savage hatred towards the Germans and +succeeding. One thought of Punch's picture depicting a German family +enjoying their morning hate. Perhaps you will say "And why not, the +blighters." Perhaps he was waking up the country a little and was quite +right, but the thing interested me and I wondered. + +Isn't it true that we are fighting Germany because she is a hater? Isn't +it true that Germany has been guilty of such filthiness that she is +slowly but surely cutting her own throat? Isn't it a fact that we have +always tried to fight clean, no matter what our enemy may be like? Isn't +it true that Uncle Sam came into this war really because of the sinking +of the _Lusitania_ and the fact that the Germans were such blighters in +Belgium? Isn't it true that in warfare, to be successful, you must be +cool and calm and steady? Isn't it true that, in boxing, the chap who +loses his temper runs some awful risks? In a word, don't you think the +Germans are getting licked badly because of their futile and mad hatred? + +I know you can't stop the men from seeing red in an attack. It helps +them a little and makes them better fighters, but it is really a form of +Dutch courage. I want to see America going into this war as the champion +of manliness, decency, purity, goodness,--all that sort of thing. She is +bound to hate a little. She'll catch that disease quick enough from the +Boche, but if she learns to hate as the German's hate, she is beaten, +licked to pieces, no matter what the issue of the war may be. + +As you know, I spent the best part of a year in France and Belgium, and +I can honestly say that during that time I never saw hate displayed, +except towards the supply people who wouldn't believe in our "strafed" +cycles. I have heard of Tommies getting furious and the officers who +have told me have spoken about it as a little amusing, but they don't +seem to have felt it themselves at all. I had a bedroom in a billet next +to a kitchen where Mr. Thomas Atkins used to take his refreshment, and I +have heard some wonderful stories, a little lurid; but quite often I +have heard Fritz admired. + +I remember one day during the battle of Loos chatting to the Major, +while awaiting orders to fire, and regretting that our men should get +atrocious, as I had heard they were. The Major, an old campaigner, out +with the original expeditionary force, smiled a little, but merely +observed that it was very natural. + +Past our battery position there was passing a few prisoners and a +procession of wounded--but mostly "blighties"; and I saw one sergeant +with a German helmet. I wanted to buy it as a "prop" for lurid stories +on leave, so went over to him. He had four bloody grooves down his face, +and he told me that he had had a hand-to-hand fight. He seemed a nice +chap, and he described the combat, in which he had evidently been +getting the worst of it, for the four grooves were nail marks from the +German. Fortunately he got his bayonet. "And you killed him," I broke +in. "Oh no, sir," he replied; "I just gave him a dig and the Red Cross +people have got him now. There he is, sir, I think,"--as a German +prisoner, lying on a stretcher and smoking a woodbine went by. I +returned without the helmet and told the story to the major, and he +said, "Oh no; I shouldn't believe all you hear about Tommy Atkins." + +Perhaps our men have got nasty and very furious with the Boche. One can +hardly blame them. I am willing to believe that sometimes when the +Germans have done dirty tricks with our prisoners revenge has been +taken, but I just don't believe for a single instant that the chaps I +knew and loved in France could behave in any way but as decent, hard +fighting, hard swearing, good natured fellows. I don't believe either, +and no one I knew in France during my year there believed, that the +Boche were _always_ dirty in their tricks, though I will admit that they +show up badly as sportsmen. + +Frankly, I want to see this country putting every ounce of power into +the combat. I want them to realize fully that Germany requires a lot of +beating. I want them to know that a victorious Germany would be a menace +to the liberty of the world, and all the other things that the +newspapers say. + +But I dislike intensely this savage hate propaganda that is being +affected here. It is stupid, useless and dangerous. Didn't some +philosopher say that if he wanted to punish a man he would teach him how +to hate. The Germans deserve it; of course they do, but we must be +stronger than they. Also, you cannot exterminate them, unfortunately, so +you have got to try to make them decent, by some means or other. A +famous member of my clan, David Livingstone, went about amongst the +most savage tribes of Africa, unharmed and unarmed. It was just because +of the love that emanated from him. I fear it will be difficult to like +the Germans very much after all they have done, but we Britons must not +let Uncle Sam think for an instant that we have learnt from the Germans +how to hate in their own commonplace savage way. Of course it is not +true. We have a sense of humour and the Americans have a wonderful sense +of fun, and these two things cannot walk together with that stupid, +vulgar thing called hate. + +The other night I had to speak at a club meeting. There was an infantry +officer there, and I felt that for a gunner to talk of the discomforts +of war in the presence of an infantry officer would be a little +humorous. However, these fellows wanted thrills, so I tried to give them +some, though, as you know, warfare is a commonplace amusement mostly, +and if one is limited by facts, it is difficult to thrill an audience. + +The infantry officer spoke afterwards. It was very thrilling. He told me +seriously later on in my rooms that he was a godson of Nurse Cavill, +that he had seen the Canadians crucified, that he had walked along the +top of the parapet for half a mile with a machine-gun playing on him in +the moonlight, that he enjoyed patrols and loved sticking Germans in the +back in their listening posts, that he had discovered a German disguised +as a gunner officer behind the lines, that he had remained with six +wounds in his body for eight days in No Man's Land, that he had been +wounded six times, that he had often been right behind the German lines +at night, that he had overheard an interesting conversation between two +German staff officers in a German dugout, that he was in the second +battle of Ypres, Neuve Chappelle and Loos, that he had been a private in +the Gunners years ago, and many other adventures----! + +And the extraordinary thing to me is that intelligent Americans, big +men, listen and believe these things. Later, when their own boys return +they will know that the chap who has been through it will tell +them--nothing. It is fine for us British here these days. We are heroes, +wonderful heroes. But strange people seem to be arriving and I wonder if +they are all taking the right line. I realise at once that it is very +easy for me to talk like this. A gunner subaltern, with his comfortable +billet to return to, even at the end of an unpleasant day, seldom comes +face to face with the Boche. Still I can only repeat that during my +service I saw nothing of common, vulgar hatred displayed by any infantry +officers I have met. It is not worth while: they are too great for that. + +Of course I may have missed it. But there was Taylor, for example, a +horse gunner I believe, who was attached to the trench "Mortuaries." He +was at Haylebury with Taggers. He used to come into the mess at times. +Once during the battle of Loos while we were attacking he took several +of his cannon over into the Boche trench which we had succeeded in +capturing. Unfortunately something went wrong on our flank and Taylor +with the wonderful Second Rifle Brigade was left in this trench +surrounded by Boches in helmets with spikes in them. They were jammed +tight in the narrow, well-formed German trench and only a bomber at each +end could fight. We had plenty of bombs, however, and the Germans had +little fancy for jumping over the barricade they had made in their own +trench. Their officers attempted to lead their men and one by one were +bombed or shot. Taylor could see the spikes on their helmets. There was +a delay and then a German private with a cheery "Hoch!" jumped up on to +the barricade trying to entice the others to follow. They did not, but +the private received a bullet and lay there rather badly wounded. He +gave a slight movement, perhaps he seemed to be stretching for his gun, +so the bomber let him have one and ended all movement. + +These men of ours were in a very awkward position, almost hopeless, and +no chances could be taken, but Taylor was annoyed with the bomber for +killing him, although there was nothing else to be done. He seemed too +brave to die. Taylor also told me, when he was in our dugout at the +battery position dead beat, that he saw a German badly wounded being +attended by one of our R. A. M. C. men. The German was begging the Red +Cross chap to let him die for his country. + +I am merely telling you these things in order to let you see what +impressions I got. I hope that you will not think that I am becoming a +pacifist. But even if the Germans have taught our men to hate, I hope +that we will not be responsible for teaching the fellows over here that +sort of thing. Many of them will learn soon enough. Besides, I am not +sure that it is advisable for us to do it. + +The next day I met the Admiral and took him out to my friends at +Chestnut Hill. M----'s mother, a hopeless Anglophile, fell for him at +once. He amused us all at dinner, and then we asked him to go with us to +the hotel to dance. He came and stayed with us until midnight. A---- +liked him very much and spent the whole evening, or what was left of +Saturday night, talking to him, ignoring the wonderful music that was +enticing us all to dance. On Monday he came with me to Bethlehem. I took +him home to tea, and my landlady, an English girl, was very thrilled, +and was perfectly overcome when he bowed to her, and shook her warmly by +the hand. She brought tea up, and stayed to gossip a little, and they +commenced discussing Yarmouth or some other place that they both knew. + +I discussed the "hate" business with the Admiral, but he seemed to think +that it could not be helped and that perhaps the men made better +fighters if they felt furious. So perhaps after another dose of France +and "Flounders" I may feel the same. + +At the moment in Bethlehem the people are preparing for a trying time. +They are convinced that something is going on in France about which they +know nothing. They are sure that the boys are in it. They are +appreciating to the full the wonderful work being done at Ypres by our +men. Having been ordered to wear uniform I am astonished at the number +of people who greet me. As I walk along I am constantly greeted with +"Good evening, Captain." What charming manners the American working man +has when you are not employing him! + +Yesterday I was going up the street in uniform when two small boys +stopped making mud pies and, after looking at me with great pleasure, +one said "Hello, Horn Blow Man!" + +I hope that I am not entirely wrong about the hate business, but I +always feel that in the same way that you hide love from the rest of the +world because you are proud of it, so you hide hate because you are +ashamed of it. + +If a Frenchman developed hate for his theme in propaganda he'd get away +with it. But American people know that we are merely like themselves, +too lazy and good natured to develop a really efficient form of hatred. + + + + +XVII + +POISONOUS GAS + + + November, 1917 + +I am developing into a regular stump orator these days. Of course it is +not at all difficult. One has plenty of information about the war, and +the more simply this is given the better it seems to me. However, it is +all very interesting and I am supplied with the opportunity of meeting +hundreds of American men. They are all awfully kind to me. I generally +speak at club luncheons and dinners. + +One night I had to speak at a splendid dinner given by the neighbourhood +club of Bala-Cynwyd, a suburb of Philadelphia. Of many delightful +evenings spent in America I think this night was the most enjoyable. My +turn came towards the end of the programme. There had been many fine +talks by famous Philadelphians as well as by other British officers, and +I felt very diffident about saying any thing at all. However, I stood up +and saw several hundred cheery men all looking up at me with kindness +and encouragement shining from their faces. I told them a few funny +stories and said that I liked them an awful lot; that I liked them so +much that I wanted them to like my countrymen. I forget exactly what I +did say. + +A few days afterwards I received a letter from the secretary of the +club, which I shall always keep, for it assures me of their friendship +and affection. + +I do not think that the American people have done their duty by us. When +the early Christians were given a big thing they started missions which +had for their object the conversion of the heathen. Why has not America +realised her responsibility to us? Why hasn't she sent a mission to +England, with the object of converting middle-aged and elderly Britons +to that attitude of mind, so prevalent here, which makes every American +man over thirty desire to help and encourage enthusiastic young men? At +the moment, the meeting of American enthusiasm and British conservatism +always suggests to my mind the alliance of the Gulf Stream with the +Arctic current. There is an awful lot of fog when these two meet and +some shipwrecks. + +Quite often I talk at Rotary Clubs. Every city or town has a Rotary Club +over here. The members consist of one man from each of the leading +business houses in the town or city. They meet at lunch once a week and +endeavour to learn things from one another. One member generally talks +for twenty minutes about his particular business, then an alarm clock +goes off; and sometimes an outsider gives an address. I rather love the +Rotarians. The milk of human kindness flows very freely, and the members +behave to one another like nice people in decent books. At any rate many +cordial remarks are made, and it always seems to me that the thought, +even if it is an affected one, which produces a decent remark helps to +swell the amount of brotherly love in the world. The Rotarians are keen +business men and are obviously the survivors of the fittest in the +business world. + +Sometimes I have spoken for the Red Cross at large public meetings. I +even addressed a society affair in the house of a charming Philadelphia +lady. This was very interesting. There were about one hundred people +present and my host, an adopted uncle, endeavoured to introduce me in a +graceful manner with a few well chosen words, but he forgot his lines. +At this function one felt one's self to be present at a social gathering +described by Thackeray. There were many men and women present with the +sweetest and most gracious manners in the world. They were all +descendants of the people who lived in Philadelphia before the +Revolution, and something of the atmosphere that must have prevailed in +a fashionable drawing-room or "Assembly" during those romantic days +seemed to be in the air. + +Of course my first experience of public speaking was in Bethlehem. It +happened at the Eagle Hotel. One of the Vice-Presidents of the Steel +Company called me up and said. "Mac, will you give us a short talk at +the Red Cross luncheon to-day?" "But yes, Mr. B----, I'll be delighted, +though I am no orator." + +So I found myself decked out in uniform on my way to the Eagle in Mr. +B----'s car. With tact he urged me to be careful. "Y'know, Mac, the +people in this burgh have not _quite_ realised the situation. Many are +of German origin and there are some Irish, and one or two are not fond +of England. They are a fine crowd of men and are working like Trojans to +get money for the Red Cross." + +"May I damn the Kaiser, Mr. B----?" I meekly asked. "Sure! Sure! Mac; +give him hell. Every mother's son will be with you in that." + +After lunch, Mr. B----, as General of the Army of Collection, stood up. +(He is a ripping chap, a little embonpoint perhaps, as befits his age. +He is about forty-five and looks thirty. He has a round, cheery face, +hasn't lost a hair from his head, and when he talks, suggests a small +boy of twelve successfully wheedling a dime from his mother for the +circus.) + +He said: "We have had with us in Bethlehem men of the Entente Allies, +men who have heard the whi----stling of the shrapnel, and who have seen +the burs----ting of the high explosives, and to-day one of these heroes +will address you." + +The "whistling of the shrapnel" thrilled me. It brought back to my mind +a night in an Infantry dugout in France, when dear old Banbury of the +Rifle Brigade was wearying me and three other subs with a story of one +of his stunts in "No Man's Land." We heard a bounding, whipping sound +and then a massed chorus of whistling, and we all breathed a sigh of +relief as Banbury jumped up, and grabbing his gun muttered, "Whizz +bang," and disappeared up the dugout steps. That was all. He switched on +to cricket when he returned. And yet they call the Boche frightful. + +Then the "bursting of the high explosives." I hate high explosives. They +are so definite, and extremely destructive; and so awkward when you're +up a chimney and it hits somewhere near the base, and you slide down the +rope and burn your poor hands. + +I stood up, feeling like ten cents, and commenced to tell my audience +about the Red Cross _a la guerre_. Whenever I tried to thrill them they +all laughed, and then I guessed that my accent was the cause of all the +trouble. I tried to talk like an American, I thought, with some success. +I called the Kaiser a "poor fish," but when I discussed America and the +war and said "By Jove, we need you awful badly over there," they all +collapsed and I sat down. + +Afterwards they came up, fine chaps that they are, and all shook hands. + +It seems to be an art developed by certain persons to be able to +introduce speakers. If you are the fellow who has got to talk, the +chairman gets up and commences to praise you for all he is worth. A +fellow told me at a dinner the other night that while visiting his home +town he had been compelled to address the townsmen. The deacon mounted a +small platform and commenced to eulogize. He had only got the first +versicle of the "Te Deum" off his chest, when his set of teeth fell out +and landed on the bald head of my friend, giving him a nasty bite. This +was a great help. + +About this eulogizing--my Highland blood helps me to understand; my +English education tells me that it is--well, displaying all your goods +in the front window, and I'm not sure that it "is done." Eddy Grey says +"Hector, it is just 'slinging the bull.'" It is. Some of these +eulogising gentlemen talk for ten minutes each time, but they are +generally good looking people turned out in quite nice evening things. + +I went to a "coming-out party" yesterday and ate some interesting food, +chatted with some amusing girls, and then rushed into John Wanamaker's +to help to sell Liberty Bonds. I stood at the base of a bronze eagle and +harangued a large audience, but not a soul bought a bond. However, a +lady whose father was English was partially overcome and fell on my +chest in tears. She was about fifty. I should liked to have hugged her, +but I did not know her very well, although the introduction was vivid. + +I manage generally to hold the interest of my audience, but I wish I +were Irish. I always love to talk to American men. They make a fine +audience. Having found it difficult in England to grow up, my growth +towards a reverend and sober mien has been definitely stunted during my +year in America. Americans don't "grow up." An American possesses the +mind of a man, but always retains the heart of a child, so if you've got +to speak, it is quite easy to appeal to that great, wonderful Yankee +heart. Of course, my greatest opportunity came on the Fourth of July, +1917. I realise more and more every day what a tremendous honour was +paid to me by my friends of Bethlehem. + +Towards the middle of June, the town council of Bethlehem met to discuss +the annual municipal celebration of America's Independence. They +discussed the choice of an orator and unanimously decided that it would +be a graceful act of courtesy to ask a British officer to do the job. +The lot evidently fell upon me, and the local Episcopal parson waited +upon me, and put the request, admitting that only judges, ex-governors, +colonels, and big people like that had been asked in previous years. I +said "Right, O!" And then began to reflect upon the great honour shown +to my country and me. As I have told you before, the population of +Bethlehem is largely of Teutonic descent and there are quite a large +number of Irishmen here. Never in the history of the United States had +an Englishman in full uniform delivered the Independence Day oration. I +was a little frightened. You see the folk thought it would be a nice +thing to do; a sort of burying the hatchet. + +Many days before, I wrote out a series of speeches, and wondered if I +should get stage fright. I felt that the job might prove too difficult +for me. + +The Glorious Fourth arrived, ushered in by the banging of many +fireworks, making it difficult, and a little dangerous for law abiding +and humble citizens. I cleaned and polished up my uniform, slung a gas +mask and wallet round my shoulders, and awaited the automobile that +should take me to the campus. It came at last, and I found myself +standing surrounded by two bands and about three thousand people. + +The children were firing all kinds of infernal pistols and crackers, and +I wondered how I should be able to make myself heard by the large throng +of people. The National Guard lined up, and the band commenced to play +various tunes. After a time silence was called, and the band broke into +"The Star Spangled Banner" while the National Guard and I saluted. The +people then solemnly repeated the oath of allegiance to the Republic, +while the flag was solemnly unfurled on a huge flagstaff. It was all +very solemn and inspiring, and became more so when a clergyman read a +Psalm. Then the bands played "America" which seems to have the same time +as "God Save the King" while we endeavoured to sing the words. The Chief +Burgess then addressed the throng, but being an elderly man, his +inspiring address was heard by only a very few. + +Soon it was my turn to speak, and in fear and trembling I mounted a +little stand improvised for the occasion. I looked at the old building +beside me in which our wounded of the Revolution had been cared for by +the gentle Moravians. I looked at the people around me, thousands of +happy faces all looking with kindliness and friendship towards me. I +don't know exactly what I said, but perhaps the spirits of the poor +British Tommies who had died fighting for their king in the old building +behind helped a little, for I know that during the half hour I spoke +every face was fixed intently upon me, and when I finally got down, +there was a mighty cheer that went straight to my heart. At any rate I +had that thing which is greater than the speech of men and of angels, +and without which the greatest orator's speech is like sounding brass +and tinkling cymbals--Love. I had a very great love for my friends of +Bethlehem, a love that refused to differentiate between Anglo-Saxons +and Teutons, and they knew it, consequently they listened with a great +patience. + +After the band had once more played, and a clergyman had said a prayer, +hundreds and hundreds came forward and shook hands. There were veterans +of the Civil War who threw their chests out and offered to go back to +France and fight with me. One old gentleman with snowy hair said "Lad, +it was an inspiration." Then exiles, mostly women from England, Ireland, +and Scotland, came up, some weeping a little, and said "God Bless you." +One darling old Irish lady said "Sure Oirland would get Home Rule if you +had any power in England." + +Sometimes I think that we humans are a little too fond of talking. +Perhaps it might be a good idea to remember at this time the words of +the great chancellor: "Great questions are not to be solved by speeches +and the resolutions of majorities but by blood and iron." I suppose for +the Allies it gets down to that finally, but they all do an awful lot of +talking. + + + + +XVIII + +THROUGH PENNSYLVANIA + + + December, 1917. + +I have just returned from a tour of Pennsylvania with a senator, and +have come back to Philadelphia possessing much experience, and a +profound love for my senator as well. We traversed several hundred +miles, stopping only to talk at important, though in some cases +out-of-the-way, towns in the great commonwealth. Our object was to help +the people to realise the present situation. At times it was hard going, +at times our experience was altogether delightful. We visited Allentown, +Sunbury, Lock Haven, Erie, Pittsburgh, Washington, Altoona, Johnstown, +Huntingdon, and Harrisburg. + +At Allentown we were met and greeted by a warm-hearted Committee of +Public Safety, and spoke to a tired out audience of Pennsylvania +Dutchmen and many yawning chairs, as well as a few officers from the +Allentown Ambulance Camp. I found talking difficult and I fear my +audience was bored. My senator did his best, but the Allentown people +have many soldiers of their own, and besides they realise the situation. +They are Pennsylvania Dutchmen, and that stands for fervent Americanism +which is more real, I think, on account of the stolidness they display. + +At Sunbury the folk were awfully glad to see us. Sunbury is a charming +place with a beautiful large park in the centre of the town, disturbed a +little by the locomotives that seem to rush through its very streets, +heedless of whether they kill a few careless Sunburyites on their +journey. We spoke to a large and delightful audience of kindly people, +who saw all my poor jokes, and sympathised quite a lot with my country +in its struggles. I left them all warm friends of the British Empire, I +hope. The whole town is sympathetic and we met the niece of the chap who +discovered oxygen. I loved the old houses and the quiet restful feeling +in the air. The people of Sunbury are with us in the job of finishing +the Boche even unto the last man. + +At Lock Haven, a fine old town with a great past as a lumbering centre, +and with also a fine old inn, we met some nice folk, but things had gone +wrong somewhere, and the attendance was very small. It was difficult to +gather the attitude of the people. + +We left Lock Haven very early in the morning, and commenced a long +journey to Erie on a local train, which behaved like a trolley car, for +it seemed to stop at every cross roads. Although it lasted eight hours I +enjoyed the journey very much, but a journey on an American train, +especially in Pennsylvania, presents no horrors for me, since I always +find several old friends, and make a few new ones on the way. + +I had had to talk to a large crowd of travelling men one Saturday +afternoon in Philadelphia. They were a fine audience, in spite of the +fact that they were all in a state of "afterdinnerness," and the room +was full of smoke, which was hard on my rather worn-out throat. + +A "travelling man" is a commercial traveller, called by the vulgar, a +"drummer"--a little unkindly I think. Until this meeting, and its +consequences, I had never understood American travelling men. Now I do. +I believe that these men form a kind of incubator for some of the +keenness and determined-doggedness that is so marked in the American +character. + +And so upon the long journey I met several friends. One was travelling +for corsets, I believe. The corsets did not interest me,--I'm not sure +that they interested my friend very much, but they gave him scope for +his profession, as well as an opportunity to bring up a family. I learnt +a great deal from these two men, and the many conversations that had +bored me a trifle while travelling, came back to my mind. + +These fellows have to apply every device, every trick, to carry off +their job. Their numbers are great and their customers are always on +the defensive, so they've got to know more about human nature than about +their wares. They have to overcome the defenses of the men they deal +with. Their preliminary bombardment has to be intense. They've got to +make an impression; either a very good one or an evil one,--both are +effective, for an impression of their existence and what they stand for +must be left upon the minds of their opponents. I heard two discussing +their tactics on this long journey to Erie. One chap spoke of a merchant +whose reputation as a notorious bully was well known to travelling men. +He was a nasty red-headed fellow, and was overcome in the following way. + +The drummer approached the desk and delivered his card. The merchant +looked at it and said "What the hell do you mean by wasting my time? I +don't want yer goods, what have yer come for?" + +The drummer merely said, "I haven't come to sell _you_ anything." + +"Well, what the hell do yer want?" replied the merchant. + +"I've merely come to have a good look at as mean a looking red-headed +son-of-a-gun as exists on the face of this earth. I collect photographs +of atrocities." + +The merchant looked furious and then angrily said, "_Come in!_" So the +drummer entered with certain fears. The red-head seated himself at his +desk, and commenced his work, keeping the drummer standing. The drummer, +fearing defeat and ignoring the notice "No Smoking," lit a foul cigar, +walked over to the desk and commenced blowing clouds of smoke all over +the merchant. The "red-headed son-of-a-gun" looked up and grinned. It +was not difficult after that. + +Finally, at about three-thirty, we reached Erie. We addressed a rather +small audience in the court house, and afterwards spent a diverting hour +in a local club. + +At three-thirty A.M. we left for Pittsburgh and spent the rest +of the early morning in a Pullman sleeper, getting duly asphyxiated. At +Pittsburgh we addressed a large crowd of business men called "The +Pittsburgh Association of Credit Men." They formed a delightful audience +and listened with apparent interest to our story. The trouble is, that +men these days, want to hear about atrocities. They like one to tell +them about Belgium women getting cut up into impossible pieces and all +that sort of thing. I don't see the use of it at all. Besides my job is +not to amuse, nor to appeal to the side of a man's character which +appreciates newspaper stories of tragedies, but rather to place before +him actual conditions as I saw them. It always seems to me that the +greatest atrocity of the war was the initial use of poisonous gas by +the Germans, and the tragedy lay in the fact that human nature became so +unsporting as to resort to such methods. + +Certain people, talking at dinners and meetings these days, definitely +take up a line of speech which chiefly concerns itself in detailing +German atrocities. They find it perfectly easy to gain round after round +of applause by saying something like the following: "That fiend of hell, +the Kaiser, spent years and years plotting against the peace of the +world. He massacred little Belgian children, and raped systematically +Belgian women. 'One week to Paris, one month to London and three months +to New York,' he shrieked. But the American eagle prepared to fight, the +British lion roared, and France, fair France, clasped her children to +her breast and called for aid across the ocean to the sons of Uncle Sam +to whom she had given succor in the dark days of '76." + +Now I will admit that talk like that is quite effective and stirs a +fellow up quite a lot, but I rather think that ten years hence it will +be described as "bull." What American men and American women want is +cold facts that can be backed up with proof, convincing proof. Of course +there is not a shadow of doubt that the Germans had designs upon the +rest of the world, but I have one object in my talks--to endeavor to +foster a firm and cordial understanding between my country and America. +My objects cannot be attained by detailing horrors, so I allow the +newspapers to thrill and amuse them, and I try to tell them things as I +myself saw them. Strangely enough I find cold facts "get across" much +better than all the British bull dog screaming and eagle barking in the +world, which reminds me of the man who said that he only knew two tunes +and that he got these mixed up. When asked what the two tunes were he +replied, "God save the weasel" and "Pop goes the Queen." + +And then we arrived at Washington, Pa. Washington, Pa., will never be +forgotten by this British soldier. We found ourselves on a platform +looking at as cheerful and delightful a crowd of people as I ever hope +to talk to. They were all smiling and gave us a wonderful welcome. I +told the children present, that the boys and girls in my country were +all taught about George Washington in their schools and sometimes even +in the Sunday-schools. I told them that sometimes they mixed him up a +little with Moses and the prophets, but, in any case, it was not until +they became highly educated that they realized that he was an American. +They were a delightful audience, and after I had spoken for about an +hour they gave me an encore, so I sang them a comic song. I hated +leaving Washington. + +Then we arrived at Johnstown and heard about the flood, and the story of +the man who was drowned there and who bored all the saints in Paradise +with a reiteration of his experiences in that memorable tragedy, +although he was interrupted frequently by a very old man sitting in a +corner. The Johnstown saint was annoyed until it was explained to him +that the old man was Noah who, it may be remembered, had some flood of +his own. + +It snowed when we arrived at Huntingdon and consequently the audience in +the "movie" theatre was small. + +We had a wonderful meeting at Altoona. The people were very enthusiastic +and I met some fine warm-hearted Americans afterwards. Sometimes a chap +would say, "I've got a Dutch name, Lieutenant, but I'm an American and +I'm with you." + +Our train caused us to be too late for the meeting at Harrisburg, so we +returned to Philadelphia. I hated parting with my senator. The thing I +loved best about our tour was the cordial feeling displayed towards me +by the hundreds of men I met after the close of the meetings. + +I was a little tired, but nevertheless quite sorry when our journey +ended. + +I have grown to hate the very idea of war and I hope that this will be +the last. Still I wonder. What a futile occupation war is when one comes +to think of it, but, of course, we could not allow Germany to give a +solo performance. Yet there must be an antidote. + +Some years ago, on a very warm Sunday afternoon in New Zealand, a number +of men from a small college decided to bathe in a rather treacherous +looking lake near by. They had all been to chapel that morning, not only +because chapel was compulsory, but because the service was usually +cheery and attractive and some of them were theological students. +Unfortunately one man, little more than a boy, was drowned. The +circumstances were distressing because he had just got his degree and +was showing promise of a useful life. + +I can see it all now; his great friend--for men become great friends in +a college--working his arms endeavouring to bring back life long after +he was dead; the solemn prayer of the master; the tolling of the chapel +bell as the sad procession moved up to the college; and then the friend +solemnly deciding to devote his life to the dead boy's work. It was all +very sad, but something had been introduced to the whole thing which +made the more frivolous amongst us think. We felt different men that +night, when one of our number lay dead in the college building. Some of +us who knew, felt a great comfort when we saw the friend decide to take +up the dead boy's work. We felt that friendship had won a great fight. + +The papers were full of it. The aftermath of a tragedy followed. All of +us who had been swimming received anonymous P. C's. from religious +persons. Mine, I remember, commenced in large letters: "UNLESS YE REPENT +YE SHALL LIKEWISE PERISH." Then followed stories of Sabbath breakers +upon whom the wrath of God had fallen. It depressed us slightly, but we +recovered. The friend, a fine chap, took up the boy's work; and we have +since learned that his death has proved more glorious than his life +could have been. + +When the war broke out in Europe, there were not wanting in England +persons who sought to find a cause for the expression of God's wrath as +they deemed the war to be. England had sinned and God was about to +punish her. God was angry and the beautiful youth of England had to be +sacrificed to His wrath. One by one, and in thousands, God would kill +them, until we should repent, and then all would be well, until we +should once more be steeped in worldliness. Isn't the idea terrible; the +yearning of the mother for her boys whom she only thinks of now as +children when they played around her and confided their every trouble, +the loneliness of the friend who has lost a wonderful thing, +friendship--all part of God's punishment! And the people who go to +church place above the chimney piece in the servant's hall, "God is +Love"--and sometimes even in the day nursery. + +I once saw five soldiers killed by one unlucky shot from a whizz-bang. +The place was unhealthy, so I did not wait long, but I had just time to +think of the feelings of mothers and sweethearts when the official +notification should arrive. They lay there as though sleeping, for men +newly killed don't always look terrible. I can't blame God for it. You +can't. + +Now that we know what war is we are all seeking for an antidote--trying +to find something that will prevent its recurrence, and we haven't found +it yet. Leagues of nations are suggested, which is quite an old idea and +one practised by the Highland clans. General disarmament comes to the +fore again. Who is going to disarm first? Can the nations trust one +another? Of course they can't. Peace of long duration will, of course, +follow this war. The disease will have run its course and the patient +exhausted will have a long convalescence and then--God! what will the +next war be like? + +History seems to teach us that war is a kind of disease that breaks out +at regular intervals and spreads like an epidemic. Hence we must find +some serum that will inoculate us against it. + +Like all obvious things the antidote is around us, staring us in the +face. We feel it when we look upon the mountains clothed in green with +their black rocks pointing to the God who made them. We see it in the +pansy turning its wee face up to the sun until its stalk nearly breaks, +so great is its devotion. We can see it when by accident we tread upon +the foot of a favourite dog, when, with many tail waggings, in spite of +groans difficult to hold back, he approaches with beseeching eyes, +begging that the cause of all the trouble will not take it too hardly. +We see it on the face of a mother; it is the thing longed for on the +face of a friend; it was on the face of Jesus when he said to the +prostitute, "Neither do I condemn thee." It is the greatest thing in the +world, for it is love. + +The very remark "God is Love" at once suggests church. We see at once +the elderly father, all his wild oats sown, walking home from church +with stately tread, followed by the wife who is not deceived if she +stops to think. The old tiresome remark, "He goes to church on Sunday, +but during the week--Mon Dieu," at once springs to our minds. Why is it +that quite a number of healthy young men dislike church so much? Watch +these same young men playing with a little sister or a favourite dog. +See the cowboy, not on the movie screen where a poor old bony hack gets +his mouth pulled to bits by certain screen favourites, but the real +thing. See the good wheel driver in the artillery, especially if he is a +wheel driver, sitting back when no one is looking and preventing his +gees from doing too much work, or the centre driver giving the lead +driver hell when the traces in front are hanging in festoons, at once +showing that the leaders are not doing their work. It is all love. But +in its home, the church, of a truth, it is stiffly clothed, if it is not +taught by a person whose vocation is really a candy store. Yet if we are +to prevent war from recurring we have got to introduce love into the +world. It is truly our only chance. + +Do you see, this world is the product of love. There seem to have been +applied but few rules and regulations. The mountains are not squares, +the hills are not cubes, the rivers don't run straight. They are all +irregular and they are all lovely. So man, the product of love, is +hopelessly irregular at times. He just cannot live according to rules or +regulations, but he can love if he is allowed to. + +Of course, no one will believe this. It is just a wallow in sentiment I +suppose, but I learnt about it on the battlefields of France and +Flanders--a strange place to learn a strange lesson. + +Some dear old lady will say, "How beautiful"; and some old fellow with +many a cheery party to his credit, not always nice, will say as he sits +back, "Very true, but how hopelessly impracticable." + +And so this thing that I am daring to talk about is the life-buoy thrown +out to us, and it seems so ridiculous, even to write about it. Just +imagine a statesman searching for an antidote for war and after careful +consideration deciding to apply the antidote I have suggested. In three +days he would be placed in a lunatic asylum. And yet it could be done. +Perhaps it could be applied in America. + +"There are many things in the commonwealth of Nowhere which I rather +wish, then hope, to see adopted in our own," wrote Thomas More after +finishing Utopia. Yet America has approached very close to Utopia, +according to reports. America will learn a great lesson from our +struggles and suffering. War is a rotten sort of occupation. Just +imagine all the men who have been killed in this war marching down +Piccadilly. Even if they marched in close formation it would take an +awfully long time. Yet the whole thing is Love's inferno, but of course +we are not going to change, but rather we will continue to build huge +battleships, equip huge armies, fight, die, live unnaturally and take +our just deserts, and we will get them. + + + PHILADELPHIA, January, 1918. + +I am now definitely employed by Uncle Sam to go about the country giving +talks about the war. He must have been pleased with the result of our +first effort in Pennsylvania. At any rate it has become my job to go +from county capital to county capital, in every state, giving addresses +in the Court Houses. + +We started off on Wednesday the 15th at 9.15 A.M. in the Lehigh +Valley Railroad's charming train called the "Black Diamond." Our party +consisted of my senator, an ex-congressman of Irish extraction, a +British Tommy camouflaged as a sergeant, and myself. The British Tommy's +job was to bag any Britishers who desired to enlist. Strangely enough +everybody wanted him to talk, but he was told _not_ to do any talking. I +should have had no objection to his obliging our American friends if he +had had anything to say, but he had never been to the front, much to his +own disappointment, and I disliked the responsibility. + +We arrived at a little city called Towanda sometime after lunch and +dined in state with the members of the local committee. They all seemed +to be judges, so far as I can remember. This may have been owing to the +beauty of architecture displayed in the local Court House. We spoke to a +fairly large audience. The proceedings were opened by a young lady who +advanced with tightly clenched lips, and an air of determination, to a +large black and handsomely decorated piano. She struck a chord or two +and then a choir of maidens, assisted by some young men, commenced to +sing some patriotic airs. They sang very well and then my senator, +having been fittingly introduced by one of the leading citizens, +addressed the people. I came next, and enjoyed myself thoroughly, for +none of my jokes missed fire. Then the congressman spoke and none of his +jokes missed fire. At the end of this meeting a suspicion commenced to +possess my mind. I began to wonder whether it were not true that the +folks living in the country towns were more awake to the situation than +their brethren in the cities. + +I loved the congressman's effort. The lovely part about his remarks lay +in the fact that all the time he felt that he ought to be careful not to +introduce too much about Ireland's wrongs. + +After the meeting we retired to the hotel and in the night a party of +young people returned from a sleighing expedition and commenced to +whisper in the room next to mine, which was a sitting-room. They +succeeded in waking us up but, by merely whispering, refused to satisfy +any curiosity that we possessed. It is a curious thing that ill-bred +curiosity seems the predominant quality in a man when he is awakened at +night and cannot go to sleep. + +The next day we arrived at Tunkhannock, a charming little town, and we +addressed a meeting in the Court House. It was freezing, and the ground +was covered with snow, but that did not prevent the place of meeting +from being crammed with eager, earnest people. I suggested to the +congressman that we should talk from the bench, as it gave one more +control over the people who were crowded close up to where we were +sitting. He looked at me with a twinkle in his Irish eyes and said, +"Yes, quite so--the old British spirit coming out again. If you get up +there on the bench, in ten seconds you'll have me in the dock." Of +course, amidst laughter, he confided the whole thing to the audience. +The people were fine, as keen as mustard. They were all possessed with a +firm desire to get along with the job. + +That same evening we arrived at Wilkes-Barre and addressed a fairly +large meeting in the Y. M. C. A. auditorium. I must honestly admit that +I missed the wonderful spirit displayed at Towanda and Tunkhannock. This +may be owing to the fact that the city is a large one, and visited a +good deal by war lecturers. However, the men we met impressed us +greatly, as we all chatted after the meeting in the local club. + +The next morning we took a trolley car for Scranton. Scranton! If every +town in France, England, Italy, and the United States possessed the +spirit displayed by the citizens of Scranton, the war would go with a +rush. I had friends in Scranton,--a boy and a girl married to one +another, and now possessing a wee friendly baby, and they insisted upon +my staying with them. At 7.45 we motored down to the Town Hall, towards +which a great stream of people was advancing. + +I mounted the platform and found my senator and the congressman safely +seated amidst a number of officials and ladies. At eight o'clock some +members of the Grand Army of the Republic took their seats well up to +the front, amidst cheers. They were fine looking men, hale and hearty. I +wish public speakers would not address these soldiers by telling them +that their numbers are dwindling, and so on. They always do it, and the +veterans are patient; but when I am eighty I shall object very strongly +to anyone suggesting to me that soon I shall descend into the grave. The +mere fact that their numbers are dwindling is true, alas, but they have +faced death before, and even now they must feel the same irritation with +public speakers that Tommy feels when, just before a charge, a chaplain +preaches to him about the life to come. However, the ladies feel sobs in +their throats and I daresay the soldiers don't mind very much. They have +got hardened to it. + +At this meeting there were three choirs numbering in all about six +hundred voices. An energetic gentleman stood on the stage and commanded +the singing, which all the people liked; and smilingly obeyed him when +he urged different sections of the audience to sing alone. + +Of course we sang the "Star Spangled Banner," and at the chorus one of +the men of the Grand Army of the Republic stepped forward, like the +soldier he was, and waved a beautiful heavy silk flag gracefully and +slowly. The effect was fine. + +After some remarks on the part of the chairman, in which he said that +the "peaks in the distance shone with a rosy light," my senator spoke. +He introduced a remark which I liked very much but had not heard before. +It was something about his great-grandfather dying in New York on a +British pest ship. His idea was of course to bring out a contrast in +regard to the present friendship for Great Britain. I spoke for over an +hour, and when I had finished the whole vast audience of nearly four +thousand men and women rose to their feet and sang "For He's a Jolly +Good Fellow." I felt a little miserable but very proud. It was all very +easy, really. The war is a serious business to the Scranton folk and +they wanted to hear about things: they have all got a sense of humour, +and I have lived with the British Tommy. + +The next day we arrived at Mauch Chunk and addressed a wonderful +audience of people, some of whom I believe were Pennsylvania Dutchmen +and consequently my friends. I wish I could pronounce the name of their +town. The local clergyman showed me an application form he had filled in +for admittance to the U. S. A. in which he remarked that he was a +citizen of the United States by birth, talent and inclination. He is +about sixty years old, but he will be a soldier of some sort before this +war is over, I am quite sure. + +That evening we addressed the citizens of Easton. Apparently the +audience consisted of mostly workmen. After the meeting I went to a +reception at the house of some people of consequence. The very rich folk +of Easton were all here and beautifully dressed. They were awfully nice +folk, but I suspect that they ought to have been at the meeting, for, of +course, it was arranged by the men keenly interested in the war. I +daresay that they felt that they knew all that was to be known about the +war, but it seemed to me that they ought to have seized this opportunity +to let the folk with fewer opportunities see that they were keenly +interested. As a matter of fact, they all knit a great deal and do what +they can. Actually, the outstanding fact is this: There were two +meetings in Easton. One took place in a school auditorium and was filled +with men and women keen as far as one could judge to "carry this thing +through." The other took place in a very charming house which was filled +with men and women in full evening dress, also keen to "carry this thing +through." It is a pity that they could not have met. + +We returned to Philadelphia, very tired, but buoyed up with enthusiasm +which had been given to us by the people who live in the Susquehanna and +Wyoming Valleys. There are other beauty spots in this world, but the man +who follows the trail of the Black Diamond up the Wyoming and +Susquehanna Valleys sees much that he can never forget. + +People in Philadelphia sometimes say that the country is still asleep to +the situation. They speak vaguely of the outlying counties. The folk +there may be asleep, but to my mind they are giving a very effective +sleep-walking performance and I should shrink from waking them up. + +After a day's rest in Philadelphia we once more started off and +addressed audiences in court houses all crammed to overflowing at York, +Gettysburg, Chambersburg, Carlisle, Lewistown, and Middleburg. It would +be difficult to say which of these towns displayed the most enthusiasm. + +York is a fine town with some beautiful buildings, and an excellent +hotel. I lunched with a friend who lives in a country house, a little +way out. The landscape was covered with snow but it had rained during +the morning, and the thaw had been followed by a sudden frost. The water +therefrom running along the branches of the trees became glistening ice. +The effect in the sunlight was beautiful as we motored along the chief +residential street,--an avenue called after one of the kings of England. + +The next day we boarded a local train that carried us to Gettysburg. It +was drawn along by one of those beautiful old locomotives that must have +dazzled the eyes of children forty years ago. It reached Gettysburg five +minutes before its time. I had hoped to spend some time viewing the +battlefield, but there were several feet of snow, so it was difficult. +However, we drove to the cemetery and saw the many thousands of graves +occupied by the young men who fought and died in a great battle. The +weather was bad but the Court House was crammed with people, including +some soldiers of the Grand Army of the Republic. + +The next day I met the Roman Catholic priest, who had been present, and +he told me how he had liked my remark about the Tommies thinking it +"rather cute" of the little French children to be able to speak French. + +Chambersburg was our next stopping place and here my senator rejoined +us, for business had compelled him to go to New York during the first +days of the week. The congressman had found it impossible to come with +us and we missed him a great deal. Chambersburg seems a bustling +community and the Committee of Public Safety had aroused much +enthusiasm: the large Court House could not hold all the people who +desired to enter. + +The next day we arrived in Carlisle. Carlisle is precisely like an +English country town. It possesses a Presbyterian church which was built +before the Revolution. We were entertained by some friends of the +senator. During the day we motored out to the Carlisle School for the +American Indians. This was interesting to me since I have read so many +stories around the Red Indians. The school forms a pleasant group of +buildings. + +We approached a large drill hall or gymnasium and at the moment of our +entrance a band broke into "God Save the King." In the hall the braves +were drawn up on one side and the squaws on the other. I had the honour +of inspecting them and later I spoke a few words to them, but my effort +seemed stilted and weak compared with the things that filled my mind. + +The meeting in Carlisle showed the same enthusiasm that had marked all +the meetings throughout the week. I felt at home a little, for the +inhabitants are all alleged to be Scotch Irish. The town is sweet and +pretty and we regretted that more time could not be spent walking about +its streets and examining the quaint old houses, but we had to get on to +Middleburg. + +The suspicion that had possessed my mind at the beginning of this my +last tour of Pennsylvania that the people in the small country towns are +very wide-awake to the situation became more insistent after my visit to +Middleburg. The temperature was several degrees below zero, and the +ground had at least a foot of snow on its surface. The meeting was held +at 12.30 but by the time we were ready to start there was not a vacant +seat in the whole building and people were standing at the back of the +hall. They "wanted to know." It was quite unnecessary to catch their +interest by telling them amusing stories. They desired strong meat. To +me there seemed in this charming little community the spirit of the men +of Valley Forge who drilled with blood-stained feet in order that the +British Empire might gain its freedom. They didn't know that they were +fighting for us. They might even have spurned the idea. It is true, +nevertheless, and I told the folk at Middleburg this, and they believed +me. They believed me, too, when I told them that once more the British +people and the American people were allied with the same purpose in +view--the downfall of futile autocracy. + +The old determined spirit of '76 still exists in America. It lives in +the cities where it is difficult for the traveller to see, but in little +towns like Middleburg even a Britisher can see it and a feeling of pride +creeps over him when he makes the discovery. + +How clever our cousins are when it comes to the actual pinch. They were +in a criminal state of unpreparedness, just like ourselves; but when +they established their Committees of Public Safety throughout the length +and breadth of this huge country they showed us something that we might +do well to copy. The heart of the organization exists at the capital. +Arteries run to the big cities, smaller blood-vessels tap the towns, and +little capillaries go out even to the small villages where local orators +address the people in the tiny schoolhouses. Hence the people will know +about everything; their loyalty and keenness will be kept at the right +pitch and the Government will then have a certain quantity to base +their plans upon. + +At the moment the men at the head of affairs are getting the criticism +that is so good for them, but no one seems to realise as yet that all +mistakes at the moment are not really new mistakes but part of the great +big composite mistake of unpreparedness. + +I am able to observe the feelings of the people as I go from town to +town and I am possessed not merely with a knowledge that we are going to +win in our fight against Germany (that is a foregone conclusion), but +that the friendship that can be seen arising between my country and this +is going to be a wonderful help to us. + +I can see this country travelling over some very difficult ground during +the next few months, but as the gentleman said at Scranton, the "peaks +in the distance shine with a very rosy light." + +And so to my own countrymen I can say, "Criticise the American statesman +if you desire, since you are well practised in the art; laugh at Uncle +Sam's mistakes if you dare, but trust the American boy!" Your trust will +not be in vain, for with your own British Tommy, the French Poilu, and +the Italian soldier (I don't know what they call him), he will be there, +smiling and good-looking, and glad to see the gratitude and love for him +too which you will not be able to prevent from appearing on your face +when the people of the world can cry at last, "Victory!!!" + + + + + +-----------------------------------------------+ + | Transcriber's Note: | + | | + | Inconsistent hyphenation and spelling in the | + | original document have been preserved. | + | | + | Typographical errors corrected in the text: | + | | + | Page 9 Day's changed to Days' | + | Page 16 traveling changed to travelling | + | Page 85 damndest changed to damnedest | + | Page 115 Chilians changed to Chileans | + | Page 116 Chilian changed to Chilean | + | Page 118 fall changed to fail | + | Page 119 Chilian changed to Chilean | + | Page 128 possesser changed to possessor | + | Page 197 woud changed to would | + | Page 201 German's changed to Germans | + | Page 214 eulogise changed to eulogize | + | Page 215 eulogising changed to eulogizing | + | Page 231 stronge changed to strange | + | Page 242 traveler changed to traveller | + +-----------------------------------------------+ + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Over Here, by Hector MacQuarrie + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OVER HERE *** + +***** This file should be named 35104.txt or 35104.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/5/1/0/35104/ + +Produced by Greg Bergquist, Barbara Kosker and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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