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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Funny Philosophers
+       Wags and Sweethearts
+
+Author: George Yellott
+
+Release Date: March 17, 2011 [EBook #35599]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charlene Taylor, Marilynda Fraser-Cunliffe,
+Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+produced by the Wright American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS,
+
+OR
+
+WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS.
+
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+BY GEORGE YELLOTT.
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA:
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.
+
+1872.
+
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+"My great-grandfather was a philosopher, and why should not his
+descendants be allowed the privilege of cogitating for themselves? I
+tell you that Sir Isaac Newton was mistaken. There is no such thing as
+the attraction of gravitation."
+
+This was said by Toney Belton, a young lawyer, in reply to his friend
+Tom Seddon, a junior member of the same profession.
+
+They were seated on the veranda of a hotel in the town of Bella Vista,
+gazing at the starry heavens; and Tom had made some remark about the
+wonderful revelations of science.
+
+"What a pity it is, Toney Belton, that you are not a subject of her
+Majesty of England. Your extraordinary discovery would entitle you to
+the honors of knighthood, and we might read of a Sir Anthony Belton as
+well as of a Sir Isaac Newton. But how will you demonstrate to the world
+that there is no such thing as the attraction of gravitation?"
+
+"Demonstrate it, Tom Seddon! Why, I can make it as plain as the
+proboscis on the countenance of an elephant."
+
+"Do you mean to say that bodies do not fall to the earth by the power of
+attraction?"
+
+"That is precisely what I mean. I assert that a heavy body may fall
+upward as well as downward."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha!"
+
+"As the old Greek said, Strike, but hear, so I say, Laugh, but listen.
+Will you allow me to suppose a case?"
+
+"That is the privilege of all philosophers. The cosmology of the
+Oriental sage would have fallen into the vast vacuity of space had he
+not brought to its support a hypothetical foundation. Proceed with your
+demonstration."
+
+"Suppose, then, that an immense well should be dug from the surface of
+the American continent entirely through the earth. We will not stop to
+inquire into the possibility of such an excavation, but will suppose
+that the work has been accomplished."
+
+"Be it so. Your well has been dug, and extends entirely through the
+earth, from the United States of America to the Celestial Empire. What
+then?"
+
+"Suppose that Clarence Hastings should be walking home about twelve
+o'clock at night. It would then be broad daylight in the dominions of
+his Majesty the Brother of the Sun and the Cousin of the Moon, and the
+Celestials would be picking tea-leaves or parboiling puppies. Suppose, I
+say, that Clarence should be walking home after having spent the last
+four or five hours in the delightful society of the lovely Claribel.
+Now, it is highly probable that Clarence would be gazing upward at the
+lunar orb and meditating a sonnet."
+
+"Nay; Harry Vincent is the sonneteer. I verily believe that he has
+dedicated a little poem of fourteen lines to nearly every visible star
+in the heavens, and solemnly swears in the most mellifluous verses that
+none of them are half so bright as the eyes of the bewitching Imogen."
+
+"Let it be Harry Vincent, then, who is walking home and making his
+astronomical observations with a view to the disparagement of the stars,
+when brought in comparison with the optical orbs of his lady-love. We
+will suppose that he is gazing at yonder star which is now winking at
+us, as if it heard every word of our conversation. He would take but
+little heed to his footsteps while his gaze was fixed upon the star and
+his thoughts were wandering away to Imogen. As he exclaimed, 'Oh,
+Imogen! thine eyes exceed in brightness all the glittering gems that
+bespangle the garments of the glorious night,' he would tumble into the
+well."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! Good-by, Harry."
+
+"Would he not rapidly descend?"
+
+"I should think that he would."
+
+"Would he stop falling when there was no bottom to the well?"
+
+"It is impossible to suppose that he would."
+
+"Then he would fall entirely through the well and would be falling
+upward when he issued from the other end, and our worthy antipodes, the
+tea-pickers, would open their eyes in amazement, and their pig-tails
+would stand erect when they beheld the handsome Harry Vincent falling
+upward, and heard him loudly exclaiming, 'Oh, Imogen!' and he would
+continue to fall upward until he was intercepted by the earth's
+satellite and became the guest of the man in the moon."
+
+"A most delightful abode for a romantic lover. But, as you do not
+believe in the attraction of gravitation, what have you to say about the
+attraction of love?"
+
+"The attraction of love? Another of your delusions, Thomas. Now, if you
+had ever seen my definition of love, in the dictionary which I have in
+manuscript, and intend to publish some day when Noah Webster shall have
+become obsolete, you would not talk of attraction in that connection."
+
+"What is your definition of love?"
+
+"Love is a state of hostility between two persons of opposite sexes."
+
+"Of hostility?"
+
+"Yes; in which each belligerent endeavors to subjugate the other,
+regardless of the sufferings inflicted."
+
+"This is as queer a paradox as that in relation to the possibility of a
+man falling upward."
+
+"No paradox at all, but a most obvious truth. There is Claribel
+Carrington, who looks like an innocent and enchanting little fairy."
+
+"She is superbly beautiful, and Clarence Hastings would barter his
+existence for a soft, kindly glance from her deep blue eye. They are in
+love with one another, that is evident."
+
+"And being in love, hostilities have commenced; and, if I mistake not,
+the war will be conducted by the lady with unexampled barbarity. When
+we enter the ball-room to-night, you will perceive this angelic creature
+inflicting more torture on poor Clarence than a pitiless savage inflicts
+with his scalping-knife on his victim; and all because she is dead in
+love with him, and he with her."
+
+"Toney Belton, you deserve to have your eyes scratched out by a bevy of
+beautiful damsels for your disparaging opinion of the last best gift."
+
+"Let them scratch; for women are like cats."
+
+"Like cats?"
+
+"There is a striking similitude between them; and when a man with a
+pulpy brain and a penetrable bosom falls into the hands of a beautiful
+and fascinating woman, he is much in the condition of an unfortunate
+mouse in the paws of a remorseless pussy. Indeed, nearly all truly
+faithful and devoted lovers have to undergo an ordeal like that of the
+helpless captive in feline clutches. The cruel cat will at one moment
+pat her victim softly on the head, and fondle it with the utmost
+affection, as if it were the most precious treasure she had in the
+world; she will apparently repent of her intention to hold it in
+captivity, and will permit it to escape and run half-way over the floor,
+when, with a sudden spring, she will pounce upon it again and hold it
+fast, regardless of its squeals for mercy. Just so with a pretty woman
+and her lover. Next to a tabby cat, the most remorseless and cruel
+creature in the world is a woman who has a man completely in her power.
+Indeed, there is so great a congeniality of disposition between the
+female sex and the feline species that maidens, when they become elderly
+and are not otherwise occupied, almost invariably take to nursing
+cats,--there being a mysterious affinity which draws them together."
+
+"Do you want me to believe that a woman will not marry a man until she
+has first tortured the soul out of him, and made him utterly miserable?
+Why, they say that marriages are made in heaven."
+
+"In heaven they may be made, Thomas; but, if so, they are caught on the
+horns of the moon as they are coming down; for I tell you that hardly
+any woman ever marries the right man, and hardly any man ever marries
+the right woman. You have only to open your eyes and you will perceive
+this without the aid of an opera-glass."
+
+"My observations have led me to no such conclusions."
+
+"Have you never observed, oh, most sagacious Thomas, that no pretty
+woman ever had an adorer without wishing to torment him with a rival?
+And is it not a singular fact that she usually selects some male animal
+to occupy that position who is in every respect the inferior of the
+worthy man whom she is endeavoring to drive to distraction? Does she not
+take every occasion to inflate the vanity of him whom she cares nothing
+about, and to humiliate the man whom she really loves? Now, there are
+Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood,--they are both pretty women."
+
+"Pretty! They are both surpassingly beautiful, though not at all
+alike!--the former a blonde, with deep blue eyes and golden tresses; the
+latter a brunette, with locks as dark as a feather fallen from the wings
+of night, and black eyes, from which Cupid, who continually lurks under
+the long lashes, borrows the barbs for the arrows with which he mortally
+wounds multitudes of unlucky swains."
+
+"Do not be poetical, Thomas. Pray take your foot from the stirrup and
+dismount before Pegasus carries you to the clouds, and you lose an
+opportunity of listening to plain, sensible prose. Each one of these
+young ladies has a devoted lover."
+
+"You may well say devoted; for if Claribel or Imogen were to wish for an
+icicle from the end of the North Pole with which to cool a lemonade,
+either Harry Vincent or Clarence Hastings would hurry thither and slip
+off into the unfathomable abyss of space in a desperate attempt to
+obtain it."
+
+"Your imagination is both hyperborean and hyperbolical. But let us
+return from the North Pole to the ladies. Claribel loves Clarence, and
+Imogen Harry, and yet neither will marry the man she loves."
+
+"And why not, oh, prophet?"
+
+"Because no pretty woman ever does. Each lady will select some nonentity
+of the masculine gender, and expect her lover to enter into a contest
+of rivalry. Each gentleman will decline the contest."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"I know them both. Each is a proud man, and has an abundance of
+self-respect. No daughter of Eve can comprehend a proud man, though
+every woman knows how to manage a vain one to perfection. Although
+either Harry or Clarence would, as you say, go to the North Pole in
+obedience to the wishes of the woman he adores, neither of them will
+consent to humiliation for her sake. She will persist in her course, and
+will ultimately find herself abandoned by her lover. Then, after a few
+years----"
+
+"Well, what after a few years?"
+
+"You will behold the once fairy-like Claribel a matron of robust
+proportions, married to a plain man, who made her an offer in a
+business-like manner."
+
+"And Clarence?"
+
+"A bald-headed man, who, having worked like a beaver and made a large
+fortune, is enjoying it with a wife who is as ugly as sin, but is a most
+excellent manager of his domestic affairs."
+
+"Toney, when do you intend to publish your book of prophecies?"
+
+"A prophet has no honor in his own country. But, do you not hear the
+sound of music in the ball-room? Let us go in,--
+
+
+     On with the dance! let joy be unconfined,
+     No sleep till morn when Youth and Pleasure meet
+     To chase the glowing hours with flying feet."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+In one of the border States of the South, in the midst of a romantic
+scenery, is situated the village of Bella Vista. Being connected by
+railway with a number of populous towns, it had become a place of resort
+during the season of summer for persons who desired to exchange the
+sultry atmosphere of cities for the cool breezes, shady groves, and pure
+fountains of this delightful retreat.
+
+In the village had been erected a commodious hotel, which, during the
+months of summer, was filled with guests. The proprietor, desirous of
+contributing to the enjoyment of his patrons, had arranged for
+semi-weekly hops, which were attended not only by the inmates of the
+hotel, but by families from the village and from the surrounding
+country.
+
+The two young lawyers, Toney Belton and Tom Seddon, the former a
+resident of the town of Mapleton, in an adjoining county of the State,
+and the latter a citizen of Bella Vista, entered the ball-room soon
+after the musicians had sounded a prelude to the poetry of motion. As
+they moved through the crowd they were met by a handsome young man who
+extended his hand to each.
+
+"Why, Clarence, my dear fellow," said Toney, "I am glad to see you.
+What! are you not dancing? Where is the lovely Miss Carrington? You will
+be accused of----"
+
+The young man turned hastily away before Toney could complete his
+sentence; and the next moment he was seen standing in a corner of the
+room gazing at a beautiful girl with an indescribable look of
+indignation. The young lady was apparently listening to an ill-favored
+man who was talking to her with immense volubility. She smiled very
+pleasantly on her uncomely admirer and never once looked at Clarence
+Hastings.
+
+"Just as I told you," said Toney. "Hostilities have already commenced.
+Look at Clarence Hastings yonder! He has a small thunder-cloud on his
+brow, and is directing the lightning from his eyes in incessant flashes
+at the cruel Claribel."
+
+"I was observing him," said Seddon. "What is the matter with the man? He
+looks as if he were meditating homicide, or suicide, or something of the
+sort. What has Claribel done to him?"
+
+"Declined to dance with him, I suppose. See! she has selected one of the
+most fascinating men in the room to be his rival."
+
+"The man she was just talking to, and with whom she is now dancing? He a
+rival of the handsome Clarence Hastings? Why, he is as ugly as a Hindoo
+idol! Who is he? What is his name?"
+
+"Botts--Ned Botts. He lives in my town, whence he has just arrived in
+company with Sam Perch, William Wiggins, and M. T. Pate, Esq., the
+latter a distinguished lawyer of Mapleton. These four gentlemen are here
+on a lady-killing expedition. General Taylor has recently disposed of a
+multitude of Mexicans at Buena Vista, and my fellow-townsmen expect to
+make great havoc at Bella Vista."
+
+"That ungainly creature a lady-killer? And yet, by Jove! Claribel smiles
+on him as if she really admired him. Who is this man Botts?
+
+"He is the ugly man who once tried to run away from his own shadow. Did
+you never hear the story?"
+
+"No. How was it?"
+
+"Botts had been with a number of boon-companions at a tavern in
+Mapleton, and had put himself in an abnormal condition by the
+consumption of a considerable quantity of fluids. As you see, he is no
+Adonis when sober; but when inebriated, his ugly visage would endanger
+the safety of a mirror at the distance of twelve paces. In the afternoon
+he was standing in the street alone when he happened to see his own
+shadow, and was so startled by its unexampled ugliness that he made a
+tremendous leap to the right. The hideous apparition made a dart after
+him. Botts jumped to the left; but the frightful spectre sprang at him
+again."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! Toney, you will murder me!"
+
+"Botts had often heard that drunken men would sometimes have _delirium
+tremens_, and see devils. He thought _delirium_ was coming on him, and
+that his ugly shadow was a fiend."
+
+"No wonder! no wonder! What did he do?"
+
+"He uttered a yell that set all the dogs in the town to barking, and
+took to his heels up the street. Each time he looked around he beheld a
+horrible devil following him, and at the sight he would give another
+yell, and redouble his efforts to escape. Soon half the men and boys in
+the town were after him. Away went Botts, and brought up at a doctor's
+shop. He fell on the floor in a fit, and it was a long time before he
+could be restored to consciousness. His ugly shadow had nearly been the
+death of him."
+
+"And you will be the death of me, if you tell any more such stories. But
+who is that large man, with the bald head, who is jumping about among
+the dancers with a bunch of flowers in his hand? He has no partner but
+seems to be exercising his legs in sympathy with those who are really
+dancing. No! I was mistaken,--he has a partner, but the lady's pretty
+figure is so small that I could only see the top of her head, which is
+covered with scarlet verbenas and a profusion of roses; and I was under
+the illusion that the big man was going it alone with a magnificent
+bouquet in his grasp. Toney, do tell me, who is that man? He seems to be
+a great admirer of beauty, and has been flitting about among the ladies
+like a large bumble-bee in search of the sweetest and most delicious
+flowers."
+
+"That is M. T. Pate, a distinguished lawyer, an eloquent orator, an able
+writer, a profound thinker, and the prince of lady-killers. He is
+possessed of a very original genius, and has recently written a
+remarkable pamphlet, in which is demonstrated the possibility as well as
+the immense importance of draining the Atlantic Ocean, and converting
+its rich alluvial bottoms into cultivated corn-fields."
+
+"How does he propose to accomplish this stupendous undertaking?"
+
+"By constructing a number of enormous steam-pumps at the Isthmus of
+Panama, and forcing the water into the Pacific. He says that when this
+great work is once accomplished, the inexhaustible soil now lying
+entirely useless under the water will afford a comfortable support for
+countless millions of men; and that the incalculable amount of gold,
+silver, and precious jewels which have gone down in the vast number of
+vessels that have foundered at sea will more than defray the cost of
+this magnificent enterprise. Pate has sent a copy of his pamphlet to the
+learned professors of one of our universities, who now have it under
+consideration. In the mean while he has abundant leisure to devote
+himself to the ladies, by whom he is much admired. But, Tom, has not
+Wiggins caused you to become acquainted with the green-eyed monster?"
+
+"Who is Wiggins?"
+
+"The man who is dancing with pretty Ida Somers. He has devoted himself
+to her during the entire evening. Beware of jealousy, Tom! Let there not
+be a demand for coffee and pistols in the morning."
+
+"Pshaw! Nonsense, Toney! Ida and I are good friends--nothing more--when
+old Crabstick, her uncle, will allow us to talk to one another--which is
+but seldom. But is Wiggins the individual with the enormous red nose?"
+
+"The same. You have a formidable rival, Tom. In my town he is admired
+for his comeliness, and is known by the name of Rosebud."
+
+"A curious name for one of the masculine gender! How did he acquire it?"
+
+"Why, it seems that on a sultry day in June, this worthy citizen having
+done ample honors to the god of the grape, was reposing under a tree on
+a fragrant bed of clover, when an industrious bee, foraging among the
+flowers, espied his crimson proboscis, and supposing it to be a Bourbon
+rose, alighted upon it, in the vain expectation of extracting honey for
+the hive. While the busy insect was endeavoring to distill sweets from
+this extraordinary nose, the sleeper became conscious of a tickling
+sensation, and shook his head in disapproval of the futile attempt;
+whereat the irritable little creature darted out its sting, and Wiggins
+leaped up with an outcry and vigorously rubbed his nasal protuberance.
+This scene was witnessed by some wags, who were convulsed with laughter.
+The nose soon began to swell, and, becoming more deeply crimson, it
+looked like a rose about to burst into full bloom. Since his nap among
+the clover, Wiggins has been called Rosebud by his boon-companions."
+
+"By Jove! what a magnificent woman!"
+
+This exclamation was uttered in a half whisper by Seddon as a tall,
+dark-eyed woman, with a beauty that baffled description, moved across
+the room, with fifty pair of eyes following her in admiration.
+
+"Imogen Hazlewood?" said Belton.
+
+"Poor Harry!" said Seddon.
+
+"He is deserving of your sympathy," said Toney. "Look! he is now
+approaching her with the awe and timidity of a man about to converse
+with a goddess, such as we used to read of in the classic hexameters of
+Ovid or Virgil. _Oh, dea certa!_ It won't do, Tom! it won't do!"
+
+"What won't do?"
+
+"For a man to let a woman see that he is dead in love with her. 'What
+careth she for hearts when once possessed?' Not a fig, Tom! not a fig.
+Carry your love about you like a concealed weapon. Don't let her know
+anything about it until you pop the question. Pop it at her when she
+don't expect it, and she will fall into your arms as if she had received
+a pistol-shot,--
+
+
+     Do proper homage to thine idol's eyes,
+     But not too humbly, or she will despise
+     Thee and thy suit, though told in moving tropes,
+
+
+and, turning her back on you, as Imogen has done now on Harry Vincent,
+will walk off on the arm of some fellow like Sam Perch."
+
+"Sam Perch? Do you mean the tall youth with a freckled face and a head
+of hair so fiery red that it looks like a small edition of a burning
+bush? What a remarkable head!"
+
+"It is a celebrated head. There was once a lawsuit about that head, and
+I was counsel for the defendant."
+
+"A lawsuit about the young man's head?"
+
+"Yes, a very extraordinary forensic controversy, which attracted much
+attention, and in which I established my professional reputation by
+defeating my distinguished friend M. T. Pate, who appeared as the
+plaintiff's counsel."
+
+"Toney, do you pretend to tell me that anybody ever went to law about
+that fellow's head? How did such a suit originate?"
+
+"Why, you must know, Tom, that there is a curious tale attached to that
+young man's head."
+
+"So there is to the head of a Chinaman."
+
+"No punning on people's cocoanuts, Mr. Seddon! But hear the history of
+this very remarkable lawsuit. On a cold evening in December, Perch was
+in a certain house in Mapleton, making himself agreeable to some young
+ladies, when they commenced tittering to such a degree that he was at
+first highly flattered, supposing that their merriment was produced by
+his numerous attempts at witticisms. At length these demonstrations of
+mirth became uncontrollable, and Perch, glancing at a large mirror
+opposite, was suddenly struck dumb with confusion."
+
+"At the image of his handsome self?"
+
+"A mischief-loving young girl had taken her station behind him and was
+holding her hands over his red head, and rubbing them, as if she were
+enjoying the warmth of a blazing fire."
+
+"It would hardly be necessary to invoke the aid of imagination for that
+purpose. This room begins to feel hotter with that fellow's red head
+carried about in it like a brasier of live coals. But go on."
+
+"Perch was horrified at the revelations of the mirror. He rushed from
+the house in a fit of desperation."
+
+"To put his burning bush under a pump?"
+
+"Thoroughly disgusted with his red hair, he consulted a barber, who
+undertook, for an adequate pecuniary consideration, to impart to it a
+sable hue, by the application of certain dyes. Perch left the shop with
+a fine suit of black hair, as glossy as the plumage on the bosom of a
+raven; but in the afternoon of the following day the color was suddenly
+and mysteriously changed to a pea-green. He was on a promenade at the
+time, and, not being aware of this sudden and remarkable metamorphosis,
+he encountered the same young ladies and escorted them home. But when he
+entered the house and laid aside his hat, his head looked very much like
+an early York cabbage. Self-control was out of the question. The mirth
+of the young maidens was so immoderate that they almost went into
+convulsions, and the graceful and accomplished youth hurried away,
+boiling with indignation. Upon consulting his mirror, he perceived his
+dreadful condition. He passed a sleepless night in intense agony. Next
+day he barricaded his door and was not to be seen. He remained for a
+whole week in solitary confinement, brooding over his misfortune. The
+unhappy youth finally became hypochondriacal, and you know that while in
+this condition the mind is often under the dominion of sad and
+unaccountable illusions."
+
+"I am aware of that. Our housekeeper once imagined she was a teapot, and
+sat for a whole day with one arm akimbo, as the handle, and the other
+projected from her person to represent the spout. She gave a vast deal
+of trouble, and was continually admonishing the servants not to come
+near her lest they might upset her and break her to pieces. And only
+last winter old Crabstick got a strange notion in his head that he was a
+dog. One day, when I called to see Ida, he got down on all fours and
+barked obstreperously, and bit Scipio, his negro man, on the calf of his
+leg. I had to leave the house in a hurry to escape from his canine
+ferocity."
+
+"The illusion of Perch was equally as extraordinary. After brooding over
+his misfortune for a whole week, he imagined he was a donkey."
+
+"Imagined he was a donkey?"
+
+"Yes; a monstrous donkey."
+
+"Was it all imagination, Toney?"
+
+"Be that as it may; I know that he created much annoyance among the
+neighbors; for he commenced braying in a most extraordinary manner. His
+friends gathered around him and endeavored to reason him out of his
+unhappy delusion, but all to no purpose, for he had got the idea in his
+head that he was a prodigious jackass, and the more they talked to him
+the more loudly he would bray. He refused his natural food, and demanded
+to be led to the stable, that he might have a manger, and be fed on
+provender suitable for animals of the asinine species. The doctors had
+much trouble with him, and tried various remedies without any apparent
+good result. They finally determined to drench him with strong brandy,
+and the potency of this fluid soon restored him to a more happy
+condition of body and mind. He recovered, and sent for the distinguished
+lawyer, M. T. Pate, and by his advice brought suit against the barber,
+laying the damages at one thousand dollars."
+
+"For what?"
+
+"For injury done to the young man's head. The barber was dreadfully
+frightened at the prospect of a ruinous litigation, and solicited my
+professional services. M. T. Pate exerted himself to the utmost, and, in
+a carefully prepared and eloquent speech, endeavored to demonstrate to
+the jury how great an injury had been done to his client's head; at the
+same time denouncing the author of the outrage in terms of unmeasured
+vituperation. But his efforts were of no avail, for I was prepared with
+the proof, and had put more than a dozen witnesses on the stand, all of
+whom swore that the young man looked much better with his head of a
+pea-green color than he did when it was of a fiery red. In consequence
+of this testimony the jury came to the conclusion that the plaintiff had
+sustained no injury and was entitled to no damages. They rendered a
+verdict in favor of the defendant, and M. T. Pate's client not only had
+to pay the costs of the suit, but went by the name of the 'LONG GREEN
+BOY' ever afterwards."
+
+"Mr. Belton, I am exceedingly glad to see you," said a tall, raw-boned
+man, with a keen, dark eye, a Roman nose, and a swarthy visage.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said Toney, "let me introduce you to Captain Bragg, a
+famous traveler, who has seen more of this terrestrial globe than we
+have ever read of."
+
+Seddon shook hands with the distinguished cosmopolite, and remarked that
+the weather was extremely hot.
+
+"Hot!" said Bragg. "My dear sir, do you call it hot? You should have
+been with me when I was once invited by her Majesty the Queen of
+Madagascar to a royal feast. As we sat at table under an awning, huge
+pieces of the most delicious beef were served up, which had been roasted
+by being exposed to the vertical rays of a tropical sun. That was what I
+would call hot weather, Mr. Seddon. But, by the powers of mud! what is
+that?"
+
+A loud noise and trampling of feet were heard in the hall. The door flew
+open, and women shrieked and men stood aghast, as a horrible apparition
+entered the ball-room. It seemed like an ugly demon with two heads. The
+monster rushed among the dancers, howling and screeching, and creating
+the most extraordinary confusion. Ladies, with loud cries, clung to
+their partners for protection, as with unearthly yells the two-headed
+monster rushed around. All seemed to lose presence of mind except Toney
+Belton, who tripped up the heels of the hideous intruder, and it fell on
+the floor. Then was witnessed a fearful conflict. While the women
+scampered away, and ran screaming through the hall, the men gathered
+around, and soon recognized the belligerents. It was Ned Botts, engaged
+in a hand-to-hand encounter with a gigantic and ferocious monkey
+belonging to Captain Bragg. The creature had escaped from confinement
+and had perched itself on the stairway in the hall. As Botts, after
+having enjoyed a mint-julep, was returning from the refreshment-room, it
+sprang upon his shoulders and seized him by the hair. Terrible was the
+combat between Botts and the monkey. Each made the most ugly grimaces
+and exhibited the most deadly ferocity. Botts grappled his antagonist by
+the throat, and the fight would have ended in a tragedy had not Bragg
+interfered.
+
+Maddened with passion, Botts sprang to his feet and put himself in a
+boxing attitude, whereupon Bragg knocked him down. The gentlemen present
+now interposed, and Botts was carried off, loudly vociferating, and
+swearing vengeance against Bragg and his monkey.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the ball-room was
+intense. On the following morning groups of anxious persons were
+discussing the probability of a duel between Bragg and Botts. There had
+been an interchange not only of harsh language but of blows between
+these gentlemen, and it was the general opinion that a hostile meeting
+was inevitable. Toney and Tom were sitting in the room of the former,
+puffing their cigars, and conversing about the events of the preceding
+evening, when there was a knock at the door, followed by the entry of a
+gentleman whose countenance indicated that he was troubled by very great
+mental anxiety.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate. Let me introduce you to my friend Mr. Seddon."
+
+The two gentlemen shook hands, and Seddon made some meteorological
+observation, which was unheeded by Pate, who nervously turned to Toney,
+and said,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, I have called to see you about a matter of great
+importance,--I might say an affair of life or death."
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Pate! To what have you reference?"
+
+"I refer, sir, to the unfortunate affair between our friend Mr. Botts
+and--and----"
+
+"The monkey?"
+
+"Just so, sir. I am afraid that the--the--the difficulty will end in--in
+bloodshed, sir. I apprehend that Mr. Botts is about to send a challenge
+to--to--to----"
+
+"The monkey? Why, Mr. Pate, the animal will not accept it if he does."
+
+"I don't mean to the monkey, sir; I mean to Captain Bragg."
+
+"Oh, that alters the case. The captain is a fighting man."
+
+"Yes, sir; and Mr. Botts is determined on a bloody issue. He has been
+with Wiggins the whole morning, and I know that he has penned a
+challenge."
+
+"Well, my dear sir, what can I do to prevent the issue which you
+apprehend?"
+
+"Bragg will apply to you to act as his second. Could you not persuade
+him to apologize?"
+
+"Apologize! Apologize for knocking Botts down? Impossible, sir!"
+
+"How impossible? Cannot a man apologize for what he has done?"
+
+"Mr. Pate, you are well versed in legal lore, but you seem to be
+profoundly ignorant of a very stringent article in the code of honor."
+
+"And what is that, sir?"
+
+"One of the thirty-nine articles of the code of dueling, compiled by 'A
+Southron,' prohibits a gentleman, who has received a blow, from
+accepting an apology until the party who has dealt the blow first allows
+himself to be slapped on the face in the most public place in the town.
+Now, do you suppose that Captain Bragg will consent to stand in the
+street, in front of the hotel, before a crowd of spectators, male and
+female, and allow Botts to knock him down, and then get up and apologize
+for having knocked Botts down? Impossible, sir! impossible! There can be
+no apology."
+
+"No apology? If a man is sorry for what he has done, is he prohibited
+from saying so? Monstrous, sir! monstrous! Is this a Christian country?"
+
+"I believe it is; and dueling is a Christian practice."
+
+"I deny it most emphatically, sir. It is a barbarous, a heathenish
+practice!"
+
+"Why, Mr. Pate, who ever heard of the code of honor among the heathen
+Greeks or Romans, or among any other heathens, ancient or modern?
+Christians are the only duelists. The custom originated with the knights
+who fought for the Cross and against the Crescent. It has been the
+favorite mode of settling difficulties, among gentlemen in Christian
+countries, ever since. Yes, sir; and even churchmen have fought duels. A
+parson, in one of our Southern States, once challenged a layman, and
+shot him through the heart in accordance with the code of honor."[1]
+
+"Horrible! Mr. Belton, what--what is to be done?"
+
+"Why, I suppose, we must let the men fight, if they are determined to do
+so."
+
+"Can we not apply to a justice of the peace? Can we not have them
+arrested?"
+
+"Mr. Pate, if you were to do so, public opinion is such that you would
+be mobbed, ridden on a rail, pelted with rotten eggs, and your life
+might be in danger."
+
+"My dear, dear sir, what--what is to be done? I cannot see poor Botts
+shot down,--cut off in the flower of his days!"
+
+Here Mr. Pate was so overcome by his feelings that the big tears began
+to roll down his cheeks, and Tom Seddon's heart was softened.
+
+"Why, Mr. Pate," said he, "there will be no duel if Botts does not send
+the challenge. Could you not use your influence with him, and induce him
+to heap coals of fire on Bragg's head by forgiving the injury?"
+
+"And I promise you," said Belton, "that if the duel does come off, it
+shall not have a tragical termination. I will not advise Bragg to fire
+in the air; for a friend of mine once did so and shot a boy, who was
+perched among the boughs of a cherry-tree, through the calf of the leg.
+Since then I have always been opposed to the absurd and dangerous
+practice of firing in the air. Seconds, however, can usually prevent
+bloodshed, unless their principals are exceedingly savage and
+sanguinary. But I think that the suggestion of my friend Seddon is a
+good one. You should hurry back, and endeavor to prevent Botts from
+sending the challenge."
+
+"I will do so! I will do so! God bless you both!" And with this
+benediction Pate hurried away in extreme agitation.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] This happened in Maryland many years ago.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+
+"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man,"
+said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.
+
+"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his
+extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human
+kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and
+originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his
+disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order,
+which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the
+benefactors of the human race."
+
+"To what order do you allude?"
+
+"To the M. O. O. S. S."
+
+"What do those letters signify?"
+
+"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."
+
+"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who
+ever heard of such an organization?"
+
+"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you
+not?"
+
+"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of
+benevolence,--somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."
+
+"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on
+principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."
+
+"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"
+
+"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after
+much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much
+happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of
+young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the
+majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state
+of single blessedness is preferable, all would be well; but the giddy
+things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager
+to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries,
+this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim
+Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a
+horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has
+the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before
+she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no
+marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is
+given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the
+silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows
+herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From
+extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all
+over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar
+maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived
+that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so
+doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when
+thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens
+to get married."
+
+"How is that to be accomplished?"
+
+"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry.
+They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres
+Ignoranti�, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties
+are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all
+young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially
+instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently
+premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate
+attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they
+may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young
+ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until
+every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that
+Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."
+
+"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"
+
+"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a
+sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and
+couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to
+take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting
+alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious
+reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully
+apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his
+domestic affairs he would have--here Dobbs began to count on his
+fingers--one--two--three--four--five--six--yes, seven sweet little
+cherubs fluttering around him,--three girls and four boys,--two of them
+twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs
+snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a
+matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he
+found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited
+until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity
+of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his
+thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs
+every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one
+of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a
+simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence
+of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope
+that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock
+struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs
+began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose
+and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his
+house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet
+little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was
+a ghost."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such
+a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate
+the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle
+about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred and fifty or two
+hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience
+to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He
+can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor
+will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every
+Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will
+ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all
+places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or
+his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the
+dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a
+stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any
+distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be
+instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the
+tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and
+he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the
+tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the
+cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place
+the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down
+his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to
+have for his dinner."
+
+"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of
+those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's
+business instead of attending to their own."
+
+"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of
+ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which
+above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see
+a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great
+pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon
+their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who
+is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet
+as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of
+fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has
+a sweetheart, and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or
+not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky
+as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he
+will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she
+cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of
+candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."
+
+"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.
+
+"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of
+pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."
+
+"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much
+interested in the poor fellow's fate."
+
+"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have
+mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no
+chance of soon being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to
+ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was
+finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood.
+In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came
+to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an
+ownerless dog,--nobody caring whether he is brought home dead or alive;
+while if a Benedict even barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize
+with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to
+utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial
+with manly fortitude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that
+as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he
+could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption
+of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan
+towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a
+door the words FAMILIES SUPPLIED HERE. Dobbs came to the conclusion that
+it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a
+surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could
+furnish him with----"
+
+"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"
+
+"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so
+extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if he could furnish him with a
+wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,--he was not
+particular which they were."
+
+"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"
+
+"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be
+misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that
+Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting
+language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of
+vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the
+shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a
+multitude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a recumbent
+position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who
+had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its
+inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of
+obtaining a wife either for love or for money."
+
+"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his
+efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs! But what became of Susan?"
+
+"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one
+of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They
+ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never
+propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do
+that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his
+vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely
+punished for his want of fidelity."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with
+the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.
+Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which
+drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."
+
+"What did Wiggins do?"
+
+"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege to the widow
+with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."
+
+"And I suppose that they were married and----"
+
+"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road
+to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins
+had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the
+church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition
+approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he
+should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the
+nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the
+sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed
+to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should
+be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be
+married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.
+In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a
+book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in
+committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in
+each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that
+his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be
+acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the
+blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt
+thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of
+the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them
+all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow
+screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was
+carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when
+she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently
+denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false
+pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in
+the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have
+nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of
+ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply
+which Wiggins made to the minister who wanted to marry him to the widow
+having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion
+that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their
+unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again
+received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose
+of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic
+brotherhood."
+
+"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon.
+"My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his
+previous history."
+
+"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing
+his biography."
+
+"Writing his biography?"
+
+"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to
+become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his
+biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with
+your permission, I will read."
+
+At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered
+the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+
+"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang
+him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."
+
+This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the
+challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as
+his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put
+the challenger to death with powder and ball.
+
+"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on
+them."
+
+"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg.
+"Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best
+society?"
+
+"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling
+with a monkey," said Seddon.
+
+"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was
+no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He
+was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would
+defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I
+would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys
+have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr.
+Seddon."
+
+"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.
+
+"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine,
+brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult
+as keenly as a man."
+
+"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for
+satisfaction to the monkey?"
+
+"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization
+to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."
+
+"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come
+when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with
+hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said Bragg.
+
+"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said
+Seddon.
+
+"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our
+ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."[2]
+
+Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney
+Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely
+remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and
+that Lord Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men in
+Africa who still had tails.
+
+"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;--have eaten
+and drank with them, and----" Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter;
+while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed
+individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of
+Dutchmen.
+
+"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an
+Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I
+remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took
+my departure."
+
+"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the
+rabbinical theory," said Toney.
+
+"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great
+confidence, assert that man was originally created with a long tail."
+
+"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"
+
+"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose
+that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him
+at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious incumbrance; for when in
+battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might
+seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."
+
+"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."
+
+"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of
+importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail
+would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."
+
+"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly
+be managed even by the most experienced and scientific _tailors_."
+
+"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man
+attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me
+proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For
+instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money
+in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon
+as they walked the streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might
+thus be occasioned."
+
+"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce
+encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently
+treading on their neighbors' tails."
+
+"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail
+crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal
+combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer
+for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he walked along
+the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread
+on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man
+would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline
+species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such being the great and
+manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this
+useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."
+
+"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.
+
+"It was fashioned into a woman," said Bragg.
+
+"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.
+
+"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.
+
+"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."
+
+"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by
+a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a
+comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's
+Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead
+of rib."
+
+"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to
+militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and
+distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's
+rights."
+
+"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their
+hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go
+gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every
+right which they claim. Give them every right which we have----"
+
+"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly
+suppose that they will ever get that."
+
+"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilege they never can
+obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give
+them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of
+dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the
+result? Would the head govern?"
+
+"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the
+translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you
+are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of
+Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."
+
+"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of
+that great country say that the royal line is descended from their
+gods."
+
+"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon.
+"In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find
+a multitude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen,
+with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"
+
+"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.
+
+"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate
+consequences of emancipation in this country."
+
+"In what respect?" asked Bragg.
+
+"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emancipated, goes back,
+by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at
+same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals
+among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails
+will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at
+night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be
+safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with
+dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to
+his original condition. Emancipate the negroes and you need not
+apprehend that they will return to their tails."
+
+"Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.
+
+"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the
+powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we
+have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."
+
+"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the
+choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I
+should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary
+arrangements."
+
+"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am
+equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public
+warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr.
+Seddon."
+
+"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"
+
+"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is
+aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers
+of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New
+Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."
+
+"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to
+me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"
+
+"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or
+a gun loaded with Greek fire."
+
+"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.
+
+"To be sure," said Bragg.
+
+"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot
+water?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his
+tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid
+to hold in his own hand."
+
+"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon,
+while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's
+second."
+
+Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of
+poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a
+boomerang.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[2] The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered
+in Boston.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+
+Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received
+the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting
+the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which
+had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,--
+
+"Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the selection of time and
+place, as well as of weapons."
+
+"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."
+
+"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.
+
+"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"
+
+"The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of the town."
+
+"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.
+
+"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"
+
+"Broad-axes," said Toney.
+
+"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.
+
+"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.
+
+"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.
+
+"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do
+not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a
+broad-axe!"
+
+"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to
+kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon
+for the purpose?"
+
+"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon."
+
+"Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. It is a military
+weapon. Examine Webster's Dictionary and you will find that such is the
+definition of broad-axe. It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs
+of honor."
+
+"I never heard of its use among men of honor," said Wiggins.
+
+"Why, Sir, who originated the practice of dueling? Were not the
+chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the first to adopt this mode of
+settling disputes?"
+
+"Certainly," said the representative of Botts.
+
+"And were not those knights gentlemen and men of honor?"
+
+"Of course they were," said Wiggins. "Who can doubt that?"
+
+"And did they not fight with battle-axes?"
+
+"Oh, certainly," said Wiggins. "We read of that in Froissart and the
+other chroniclers of those days."
+
+"Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the difference between a
+battle-axe and a broad-axe? Can you point it out?"
+
+"I confess that I cannot," said Wiggins.
+
+"There is no difference; except that our carpenters, in the peaceful
+occupation of hewing timber, have found a short handle more convenient
+than the long ones used in the days of chivalry by honorable knights and
+gentlemen. I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight like
+gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the duello."
+
+"Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall fight with such a
+weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed to the use of a broad-axe."
+
+"Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will have an advantage from
+skill or practice."
+
+"Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?"
+
+"The captain has expressed no preference; he has left the choice of
+weapons to his second."
+
+"Then, Mr. Belton, can we not, as the friends of the parties, make
+arrangements for a meeting in which each gentleman may vindicate his
+honor without the tragical results which must ensue from the use of such
+barbarous weapons as broad-axes?"
+
+"As I have said, and now repeat, a broad-axe is not a barbarous weapon.
+Its use is legitimate in the duello. Unless you agree to the terms which
+I am now about to propose, I shall adhere to my original selection."
+
+"What are your terms, Mr. Belton?" eagerly inquired Wiggins.
+
+"That I select the weapons, and that neither yourself nor our principals
+shall know what they are until I produce them on the field."
+
+"I agree to your terms, Mr. Belton; anything but broad-axes."
+
+"The weapons which I shall select will test the coolness and courage of
+both gentlemen. They will not be broad-axes. Are you satisfied?"
+
+"Perfectly."
+
+"Then, sir, as we have agreed upon the preliminary arrangement, I must
+bid you good-morning."
+
+In the corridor of the hotel Toney encountered M. T. Pate.
+
+"Mr. Belton--Mr. Belton," said Pate, "I--I could not prevail on Mr.
+Botts. He has sent a--a--a challenge, and there will be bloodshed, sir,
+and--and all about a--a--a monkey, sir."
+
+"Mr. Pate, I have the matter in hand, and I assure you, on the honor of
+a gentleman, that not a drop of blood will be spilt."
+
+"God bless you, Mr. Belton!"
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Toney hurried away, leaving Pate repeating
+his benediction with great fervor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+
+Hardly had Toney Belton's footsteps ceased to sound in the corridor
+before Wiggins snatched up his hat and hurried into the presence of his
+principal in extreme agitation.
+
+"Mr. Botts," he exclaimed, "I have just had an interview with Mr.
+Belton, the friend of Captain Bragg."
+
+"Captain Bragg then accepts the challenge?" said Botts.
+
+"Of course he does," said Wiggins, "and we have agreed upon the terms."
+
+"What time does Bragg propose for the meeting?"
+
+"Between daybreak and sunrise to-morrow."
+
+"A very excellent arrangement," said Botts. "The early hour will insure
+us against the chance of interruption. And the place?"
+
+Wiggins named the place designated by Belton, and the selection met with
+the approval of his principal, who inquired,--
+
+"Did the captain choose fire-arms, or small swords? I am equally expert
+in the use of either."
+
+"Fire-arms or small swords!" exclaimed Wiggins,--"no, sir, he did not."
+
+"What weapon did he then select? I am at a loss to imagine."
+
+Wiggins hesitated and was silent. His features became strangely and
+alarmingly distorted.
+
+"Did you not agree upon the weapons? What did Mr. Belton propose?"
+
+"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins.
+
+"What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not distinctly hear you."
+
+"Broad-axes! Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes!"
+
+"What?" exclaimed Mr. Botts, rising from his seat.
+
+"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins, also rising and moving nearer to Botts.
+"Broad-axes, I say broad-axes!"
+
+Botts's ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar expression. One of
+those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a
+moment presented itself, and immediately became dominant. He supposed
+that Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the presence of a
+maniac. Botts had as much of the common quality of physical courage as
+most of the male gender, but, like many a brave man, he had an intense
+horror of crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards him,
+anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of gesticulation.
+
+"Stand back!" shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and elevating it over his
+head,--"stand back, or I will knock you down!"
+
+"Botts! Botts!" exclaimed Wiggins, lifting up both hands in violent
+agitation, being utterly astounded at this hostile demonstration on the
+part of his principal,--"Botts! Botts! I--I--said--broad-axes!"
+
+"Help! help! murder! murder!" shouted Botts; and he aimed a blow at
+Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tumbling over a table, fell sprawling on
+the carpet, while the chair flew from Botts's hands and went with a
+crash against the door. In an instant there was a rush of people from
+the adjoining apartments and the room was filled with spectators.
+
+"Good heavens!" exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing himself to Botts, who
+had armed himself with another chair, and stood brandishing it in a
+corner of the room with an air of desperate determination,--"good
+heavens! Mr. Botts, what does this mean?"
+
+"Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my house," said the
+landlord. "Mr. Botts, this is the second time you have raised an uproar
+in this establishment."
+
+"Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!" exclaimed Wiggins, rising on
+his feet and looking Botts in the face with a most truculent aspect.
+
+"Are you not crazy?" said Botts.
+
+"Crazy!" vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards Botts, who dodged behind
+Pate. "_You_ are crazy, sir! You are as mad as a March hare, sir! You
+are a dangerous man! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before you are
+a day older, sir! Gentlemen, I call upon you to assist me in securing
+this madman."
+
+"By Jupiter! I think you are both lunatics," said the landlord.
+
+"Mr. Wiggins, there most he some mistake," said Pate. "Botts is not
+crazy."
+
+"No madder man ever broke out of bedlam!" said Wiggins. "He will kill
+somebody if he is not put in a strait-jacket."
+
+"What was all this about?" asked Pate.
+
+"About?" said Wiggins. "Why, sir, I was merely repeating something which
+Mr. Belton had said to me, when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my
+head with chair; and had I out dodged as quickly as I did, he would
+have knocked my brains out. Is such a man fit to run at large through
+this house? Do you call him sane, Mr. Pate? Sane!--if he's sane, you
+might as well pull down all the lunatic asylums in the land and let
+their inmates out to----"
+
+"Stop! Wiggins, stop! I begin to see," said Botts. "You are not crazy,
+after all! Did you say you were merely repeating what Belton had said to
+you?"
+
+"Nothing more," said Wiggins. "And was that any reason why I should
+be----"
+
+"My dear, dear fellow!" said Botts. "It was a mistake! I see! Give me
+your hand. I ask ten thousand pardons!"
+
+Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his
+ground and took the proffered hand.
+
+"Thank God," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"
+
+"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my
+fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."
+
+"It is granted," said Wiggins.
+
+"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to
+ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the
+world."
+
+At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, however, lingered at the
+door for a moment, and said, in an admonitory tone,--
+
+"For Heaven's sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wiggins again!"
+
+"No fear of that, Mr. Pate." And with this assurance Pate closed the
+door.
+
+Botts being alone with his second, there was a repetition of apologies
+and mutual explanations; after which each became assured of the sanity
+of the other, and was more at his ease.
+
+"But," asked Botts, "did Belton really say anything about broad-axes?"
+
+Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again give utterance to a
+word which had just put him in such imminent peril. At length he said,
+in a low tone,--
+
+"He did, indeed."
+
+"What connection had this with the duel?"
+
+"As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed that you should
+fight with broad-axes."
+
+Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table; and Wiggins,
+apprehensive of another assault, jumped up and put himself in an
+attitude of defense.
+
+M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trembling expectation
+of another quarrel, rushed to the door, but it was bolted.
+
+"Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!" cried Pate.
+
+"Go to the devil!" shouted Botts.
+
+"Good heavens! what is to be done?" said Pate. "He has Wiggins locked in
+the room, and will beat out his brains with a chair!"
+
+"I'll break down the door and put strait-jackets on both of them!" said
+the landlord, who had hurried back at the alarm given by Pate.
+
+Botts now opened the door and assured the people in the corridor that
+they were not fighting, but were as amicable as men could be. Having
+received a similar assurance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no
+excuse for further interruption, and reluctantly retired; the landlord
+shaking his head rather dubiously as he did so, and muttering something
+about strait-jackets and lunatic asylums.
+
+Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly asked,--
+
+"You certainly did not agree that I should fight Captain Bragg with a
+broad-axe?"
+
+"No, indeed!" said Wiggins. "With much difficulty I obtained from Mr.
+Belton a compromise."
+
+"What sort of a compromise?" asked Botts.
+
+"You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton produces on the
+ground."
+
+"And not to know what they are to be until I get on the field?"
+
+"Such is the agreement," said the second.
+
+"Wiggins, what sort of terms are these?" exclaimed Botts.
+
+"They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, that this Captain
+Bragg, although he associates with gentlemen, is little better than a
+desperado. He has lived among savages the greater part of his life, and,
+as I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel with a
+boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the sort. He is a reckless and
+desperate man, and cares not for consequences. Had I not agreed to the
+compromise proposed by his second, I am confident that he would have
+posted you as a coward."
+
+"These are hard terms," said Botts; "but I suppose they must be
+accepted."
+
+"They have been accepted," said Wiggins. "And now I must leave you, Mr.
+Botts, for I have an engagement with a fair lady. At an hour before
+daybreak I will be at your room; and we will, of course, proceed in
+company to the ground."
+
+In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give way to gloomy
+reflections. It was evident that his antagonist was a most desperate and
+determined man. He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the
+proposal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the barbarity of
+his disposition. And Wiggins had consented that Botts should come on the
+ground in entire ignorance of the weapons to be used. Could it be
+doubted that his adversary would select some barbarous implement of
+butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized duelists? When
+the challenger took his position, a harpoon or a boomerang might be
+thrust into his hand; or Bragg might enter the field armed with a
+tomahawk and scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a
+brave man, but he shuddered and shivered as if an icicle had been thrust
+down his back. He saw that death was inevitable, and he resolved to die
+with decency. Having procured writing materials, he carefully prepared
+his last will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the proper
+formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to absent friends,
+bidding them a final and affectionate farewell. Those documents he
+carefully sealed with black wax, and left lying on his table.
+
+Much time was consumed in these preparations, and before the business
+was concluded the sun had sunk behind the horizon and the stars had
+appeared in the heavens. Botts took his seat at a window; but he could
+not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind impelled him to physical
+locomotion. He seized his hat and rushed into the street. He hurried
+along until he had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would not
+be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, talking and laughing in
+the full enjoyment of an existence of which he was so soon to be
+deprived. The doomed man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed
+upward at the heavens. From the innumerable multitude of shining orbs
+over his head, he selected a star in which his spirit was to dwell after
+its departure from these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his
+room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the hotel. During the
+long hours of the silent night he continued to walk to and fro on the
+outskirts of the town, a melancholy man, meditating on his latter end
+and gazing upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had selected
+for his residence after his immolation on the field of honor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+
+Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second,
+repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his
+principal of the terms agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old
+warrior forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to be
+used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly undertaken to convey them
+to the ground during the night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg
+expressed his satisfaction with the arrangement, and reiterated his
+readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun loaded with Greek
+fire, or with hot water, as Seddon again suggested.
+
+As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg suddenly halted and
+said, in a tone of vexation,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted."
+
+"Why so?" inquired Toney.
+
+"There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their fires among the
+trees."
+
+"You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no gypsies within a hundred
+miles of us. No doubt Seddon has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us
+go on."
+
+They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still with a look of
+amazement. At twelve paces apart were two fires, each kept alive by a
+negro, who was busily employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an
+iron pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In the
+space between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walking to and fro with his
+hands behind his back, giving directions to his sable assistants who had
+charge of the pots.
+
+"By the powers of mud!" exclaimed Bragg, "what does this mean?"
+
+"It means," said Toney, "that everything is prepared, and that we are
+only waiting for the arrival of Botts. Tom, have you got the guns
+ready?"
+
+"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and
+about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one
+end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg,
+saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."
+
+"What is this?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"It is your gun," said Seddon.
+
+"Gun--gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.
+
+"I most certainly do," said Seddon.
+
+"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain
+how it is to be used."
+
+Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water
+nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up
+horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other
+pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one
+side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of
+scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet.
+"There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as
+that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."
+
+"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am
+going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at
+me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"
+
+"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of
+danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to
+flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he
+does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a
+belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to
+fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and
+there are C�sar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."
+
+"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is
+broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you
+are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."
+
+"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back
+down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of
+the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between
+man and man? It is devil's work!"
+
+"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often
+been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the
+fighting �olipile?"
+
+"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of
+the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, and the Greeks were accustomed
+to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I
+am certain that you will put Botts to flight."
+
+"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great
+efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon
+the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."
+
+"Where was that?" asked Bragg.
+
+"In Spain,"[3] said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped
+their arms on the field and fled into a nunnery. The French had no
+artillery, and attempted to take the place by a _coup de main_. But the
+petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water
+were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but
+that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most
+prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with
+their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary
+evolutions."
+
+"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.
+
+"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the
+scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to
+advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a
+musket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the door with its
+butt. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated
+forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him.
+With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made
+frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and
+faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended
+from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with
+amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell,
+'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was
+closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full
+of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."
+
+"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.
+
+"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the
+timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It
+was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their
+water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an
+especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no
+avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and
+the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the
+tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"
+
+"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has been employed in both
+ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled
+before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts
+from yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your courage."
+
+"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said
+he,--and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,--"I will
+remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the
+challenger?"
+
+"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.
+
+Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your principal.
+Where is Mr. Botts?"
+
+"He has fled," said Wiggins.
+
+"Fled?" said Belton.
+
+"Fled!" exclaimed Bragg; and his face became as radiant as the morning
+just then illuminated by the sun which had appeared above the eastern
+horizon.
+
+"Yes," said Wiggins, "Botts has run off like an arrant poltroon."
+
+"I will post him for cowardice!" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"As you please," said Wiggins. "I want nothing more to do with Mr.
+Botts. He attempted to assassinate me."
+
+"Assassinate you!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Yes, sir; when I informed him of the terms proposed by you, he
+attempted to take my life."
+
+"Attempted to kill his second!" said Seddon.
+
+"The assassin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I'll post him!" said Bragg.
+
+"He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a chair," said Wiggins.
+
+"An assault and battery," said Tom. "Liable in a suit for damages."
+
+"He afterwards became calm, apologized for the outrage, and agreed to
+meet Captain Bragg at the hour named. But when I called for him this
+morning he had disappeared."
+
+"Disappeared!" said Toney.
+
+"Yes, sir,--absconded,--fled to parts unknown."
+
+"I will publish him," said Bragg. "I will prepare placards with the
+words BOTTS and COWARD in letters as big as my hand! Come, Mr. Belton;
+come, gentlemen."
+
+"Put out the fires, C�sar. Take care of the pots, Hannibal," said
+Seddon. And with these instructions to those two distinguished
+personages, Tom shouldered the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who,
+with Belton and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards the
+town.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[3] We have not been to find any account of this combat in Napier's
+History of the Peninsular War. The historian overlooked it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+
+Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious by his exercise in
+the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant
+supply of ham and eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough
+for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose from the table, and
+going to his apartment, proceeded to prepare the placard in which he
+intended to make known the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a
+man's mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with ease
+and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of the pen as naturally as
+water flows from a perennial fountain. Bragg's writing instrument
+galloped across the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible
+denunciation of the unfortunate Botts.
+
+The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, and said to the
+proprietor, "I want you to print this immediately."
+
+"Will you be so good as to furnish me with your name?" said the
+proprietor.
+
+"Of what consequence is my name to you?" said Bragg. "I want you to
+print the advertisement, and here is the money."
+
+"Can't do it," said the proprietor. "Can't put anything in my paper
+without the name of the party who furnishes it; advertisement or no
+advertisement,--paid for or not,--I can't print it."
+
+"Why not?" said Bragg.
+
+"Because we can't afford to keep a fighting editor in this office; and I
+don't want to get into difficulties."
+
+"What difficulties will you get into?" said Bragg.
+
+"Plenty of them. I don't want my head broken with a cudgel, sir."
+
+"Who is going to break your head?" said Bragg.
+
+"There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, and on slight
+provocation. Last winter a fellow came into this office just before we
+went to press, and left an advertisement which he paid for, saying that
+he wanted it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate
+that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had bought a bottle of
+Dr. Bamboozle's celebrated hair ointment, and applied it to his bare
+scalp, and that in forty-eight hours after the first application a fine
+suit of hair had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. Well,
+what were the consequences, sir? Why, the whole town was talking and
+laughing about this wonderful growth of hair. And next morning old
+Crabstick walked into the office, and, after much profanity, assaulted
+me with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, who come behind
+him and put him _hors de combat_ with the hot poker, he would have
+broken my bones, sir. So your advertisement cannot go in my paper unless
+you leave your name for reference."
+
+"I don't want it in your paper," said Bragg. "I want it printed like a
+hand-bill."
+
+"Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsibility."
+
+"Here! I want these three words,--look, will
+you?--BOTTS--POLTROON--COWARD,--printed in your largest letters."
+
+"We have type big enough," said the printer, producing some wooden
+blocks about three inches long.
+
+"Those will do," said Bragg. "Now, go to work--quick--hurry!"
+
+In a very brief space of time Bragg had a dozen documents in his
+possession, for which he paid the printer and hastened away.
+
+In a few moments after he had left the printing-office, Bragg's tall
+form was seen elevated on a stool; and he was in the act of pasting a
+hand-bill against the side of the hotel when he was interrupted by the
+landlord, who said,--
+
+"Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey shows to be pasted
+against my house."
+
+"This is no bill for a monkey show," said Bragg.
+
+"Nor advertisements for quack medicines, neither," said the landlord.
+
+"This is no advertisement for quack medicines," said Bragg, with a look
+of indignation.
+
+"Well, whatever it be, you can't paste it there. I will not have my
+walls plastered over with advertisements."
+
+Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a
+profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.
+Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters
+on the corner, PASTE NO PILLS HERE; some ingenious urchins having
+altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his
+head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood
+that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he
+had just received from the landlord.
+
+Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his documents.
+He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned
+off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quantity of foul
+water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the
+dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic
+brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there
+was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders
+of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to
+cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic,
+and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and
+would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of
+the undertaker.
+
+Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a
+citizen of the town, and acquainted with its localities, conducted the
+captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for
+his donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about to apply the
+paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed,
+"Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to
+offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the
+silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the
+duelist's placard.
+
+Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste
+on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the
+street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst,
+covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two
+sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had
+received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and
+made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was
+befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to
+avoid the defilement of actual contact.
+
+"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I
+suppose," said Seddon.
+
+"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.
+
+"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.
+
+"Here he is--by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.
+
+"Who is he?" said Toney.
+
+"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the mass of
+mud.
+
+"No, I do not. Who are you?"
+
+"I am Botts."
+
+"Botts!" said Toney.
+
+"Botts!" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"Botts!" shouted Bragg.
+
+"Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+
+It would require the perfection of language to describe the amazement of
+Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy figure, looking like one of the
+powers by whom he continually swore, and heard a voice issuing from its
+ugly lips, and saying "I am Botts." The placards, in which he was about
+to doom his absconding adversary to eternal infamy, dropped from his
+hand, and were picked up by a boy, and converted into the tail for a
+kite. Toney and Tom were also astonished at the sudden and strange
+appearance of the missing man. After a moment of silence, Belton said,--
+
+"Where did you come from?"
+
+"From the bottom of a well," said an Irishman.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Pate, who had just arrived in company with Wiggins
+and Perch,--"good heavens! did Botts fall into a well?"
+
+"And shure it's not for me to say how he got there. We found him in the
+well on his knees in the wather, and praying to the blessed Vargin and
+all the saints."
+
+"I'm almost dead! I'll never get over it!" said Botts.
+
+"Run for a doctor! run, Perch! run!" said Pate.
+
+Perch went off at the double-quick in search of medical aid, while Pate
+and Wiggins conducted their friend to the hotel.
+
+"Don't bring that man in here. I can't have my house covered with mud
+and filth. Take him to the bath-house and wash him," said the landlord.
+
+Pate pleaded and implored, but the landlord was inexorable; and they
+were compelled to conduct the miserable man to the bath-house. With some
+difficulty he was divested of his clothing; and, while Wiggins assisted
+him in performing his ablutions, Pate proceeded to his apartment and
+procured a change of raiment. His two friends then led him to his room,
+where they found Perch with the doctor. The physician examined his
+patient, and discovered that no bones were broken, and that there was
+no internal injury of any sort. He ordered Botts a strong tonic, and,
+telling him to keep quiet in bed and he would be well in the morning,
+took his departure. Perch soon after left the room, saying that he had
+an engagement to walk with Miss Imogen Hazlewood. Pate and Wiggins sat
+by the bedside of their afflicted friend, who, with many a moan and
+dolorous ejaculation, told the story of his misfortune, which we will
+endeavor to abbreviate and relate in more intelligible language.
+
+It will be recollected that after Botts had executed his last will and
+testament, and addressed letters of farewell to his friends, he had
+proceeded to the outskirts of the town, and walked to and fro over the
+common, meditating on his approaching end. About the middle of the
+night, as he continued to walk with his gaze fixed on the star which he
+had selected for his future abode, he tumbled into an unfinished well,
+about twelve feet deep, with six inches of water at the bottom. It being
+night, and he being under the earth, his loud cries for assistance were
+unheard, and he remained in the well until a late hour in the morning,
+when the Irish laborers discovered him on his knees in the water praying
+fervently; he having experienced a change of heart, and repented of the
+great crime he had intended to commit.
+
+While Pate and Wiggins were consoling their friend, they were startled
+by loud shrieks from a female voice in an adjacent apartment.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Pate.
+
+"What's that?" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"There's murder in the house!" bawled out Botts; and he jumped from his
+bed and ran to the door.
+
+"Come back, Botts! you haven't got your breeches on," said Wiggins; and
+he seized Botts by the caudal extremity of his under-garment and held
+him with a firm grasp.
+
+Shrieks after shrieks were heard, and then the heavy tread of feet
+hurrying along the corridor. Pate and Wiggins rushed to the scene of
+action, and beheld the landlord, with loud and violent imprecations,
+kicking Captain Bragg's monkey out of a room. The creature had got
+loose, and climbing over the transom of a door, had leaped down on a
+bed where a lady was taking her siesta. The hideous apparition had
+nearly thrown the fair inmate of the room into convulsions.
+
+"Get out of here, you infernal imp!" said the landlord, giving the
+monkey a kick which sent it rolling over and over along the corridor.
+The agile creature gathered itself up, and with an active bound sprang
+on the railing of the stairway, where it sat making ugly grimaces, and
+shaking both fists at Boniface in intense indignation.
+
+"Get me a gun!" shouted the landlord, in a towering passion.
+
+"Don't shoot!" exclaimed Pate; and a dozen female voices shrieked in
+apprehension of the report of fire-arms.
+
+"What are you doing to my monkey?" said Bragg, hurrying to the spot.
+
+"Get out of my house with that incarnate devil of yours!" said the
+landlord. The monkey grinned and shook its fists, and the landlord
+stamped his foot and swore with vim and vehemence.
+
+"I'll have satisfaction for this outrage offered to my monkey," said
+Bragg.
+
+"I'll give you satisfaction, sir! I'm no Botts, to be bullied by you,
+sir! If you don't get out of this house, I'll take you by the neck and
+heels and throw you out, and your monkey after you!"
+
+The landlord was a powerful and determined man. He had fought under Old
+Hickory at New Orleans. He stood six feet three in his stockings, and
+could easily have executed his threat.
+
+"Do you not keep a house for the accommodation of travelers?" said
+Bragg. "For the entertainment of man and beast?"
+
+"But not for the entertainment of man and devil! That monkey is a born
+devil, sir!"
+
+"He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar," said
+Bragg.
+
+"A royal present from his Majesty the Old Boy!" said Boniface. "He gets
+loose just when he pleases. He chased the cooks out of the kitchen, and
+ate up the eggs they had got for breakfast. He stole a negro baby out of
+its cradle and hid it in the wood-house."
+
+"He is a cannibal!" said Seddon.
+
+"One of the captain's long-tailed African friends," said Toney.
+
+"Dines on babies," said Tom. "He'll be after a Dutchman next."
+
+"Out of this house he goes, and you, too!" said the landlord. "Here,
+C�sar, Scipio! carry Captain Bragg's baggage down and set it on the
+pavement." The negroes proceeded to obey orders. "And now be off!" said
+Boniface. "I don't ask you to settle your bill; I want no money from
+you. I want you to leave, and take that monkey with you!"
+
+"You had better go," said Seddon to Bragg, "or he will call on the
+sheriff to summon a _posse comitatus_ and put you out."
+
+"I want no comitatus, Mr. Seddon," said the landlord, overhearing the
+remark; "I can manage him and his monkey both."
+
+The sagacity of Bragg enabled him to comprehend the situation. He
+perceived that the indignant Boniface was not to be intimidated even by
+a harpoon or a boomerang. Toney Belton had whispered to the cosmopolite
+that the landlord was the very man who had shot General Packenham from
+his horse, and thereby gained for Old Hickory his glorious victory on
+the banks of the Mississippi; and Tom Seddon asseverated that he had
+decapitated three Indians with a bowie-knife, in a hand-to-hand
+encounter, in the Everglades of Florida. Upon calm consideration Bragg
+determined to leave the hotel. His baggage was conveyed to a
+boarding-house which Seddon had found for him in the suburbs of the
+town. Here he secured comfortable quarters for himself and an asylum for
+his monkey.
+
+At night, after smoking their cigars, Belton proposed to his friend that
+they should call on Botts. They were sitting in his room, with Wiggins,
+talking to the unfortunate man, and getting him in a cheerful mood by
+pleasant conversation, when Pate rushed in with horror depicted in his
+countenance.
+
+"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" said Belton.
+
+"Oh!--oh!--oh!"
+
+"What's the matter?" said Wiggins.
+
+"Help--help--help!"
+
+"What's the matter? What's the matter?" exclaimed everybody at once.
+
+"Perch--Perch!"
+
+"What has he done?" said Wiggins.
+
+"Has committed suicide!"
+
+And Pate rushed from the room like one bereft of his reason. Toney, Tom,
+and Wiggins ran after him, while Botts jumped from his bed and hurried
+through the door; and several affrighted females loudly screamed as they
+beheld him swiftly gliding along the corridor, in his white garments,
+and looking like a ghost.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+
+Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood were cousins. The former was an
+orphan whose father had died in affluence, leaving his only child a
+large estate. Her home was the magnificent mansion of her uncle, Colonel
+Hazlewood, a wealthy citizen of Bella Vista, and her constant companion
+was the beautiful Imogen. Each of these young ladies had a devoted
+lover, who, as Tom Seddon had remarked, would have gone on a pilgrimage
+to the North Pole in search of an icicle in obedience to her wishes.
+Clarence Hastings adored the lovely Claribel, and Imogen was worshiped
+by the handsome Harry Vincent. The young men were only sons of two
+wealthy gentlemen, and consequently each would inherit an ample fortune.
+They were highly educated and accomplished. Clarence had devoted himself
+to the study of medicine; while Harry was a man of leisure and had
+become a votary of the Muses, having already published a small volume of
+poems, which were admired by the general reader, and had even been
+commended by critics. But Clarence, although he had made great progress
+in anatomy and was satisfied that a man could not exist without a
+heart, was inclined to believe that a woman sometimes managed to get
+along without that important organ. He arrived at this conclusion from
+pursuing his studies in the society of the lovely Claribel. Harry
+Vincent had discovered that the poets in all ages had used the word in
+their verses, and supposed that most women had a heart, but was afraid
+that Imogen had grown up in magnificent beauty without ever having had
+one deposited by nature in her bosom. After much meditation, he
+determined to ascertain if he was not mistaken, and in the afternoon of
+the very day on which the valiant Captain Bragg had been expelled from
+the hotel by the indignant landlord, he proceeded to the mansion of
+Colonel Hazlewood and inquired for Imogen. He was told that she was
+walking in the garden. Thither he went, and in an arbor beheld a sight
+which convinced him that the beautiful Imogen had a heart. He hastily
+retired, and determined to go to the Mexican war, and march for the
+Halls of the Montezumas.
+
+What spectacle was it that caused such warlike emotions in the bosom of
+Harry Vincent? Why was he so suddenly impelled to march under the
+star-spangled banner against Santa Anna and his legions, in the valley
+of Mexico?
+
+
+     Oh, women! women! pretty doves or pigeons!
+       How many men for you their weapons clutch!
+     For you the Grecians murdered all the Phrygians.
+
+
+And it was on account of one of the most beautiful of womankind that
+poor Harry Vincent determined to shoulder his musket and shed his blood
+on the field of battle.
+
+He rushed frantically from the garden, looking as pale as a ghost. But
+what had he seen? On his knees in the arbor he beheld Sam Perch, whom
+Toney Belton called the Long Green Boy, with his head resting on the lap
+of the beautiful Imogen. The young lady was dipping her handkerchief in
+a vase of water and tenderly bathing his brow. Now, what had brought the
+poor Long Green Boy down on his knees before Imogen? What had he said
+to Imogen, and what had she said to him, that had caused him to faint?
+Oh, ladies, how do you manage to get a stout young fellow down on his
+knees before you, when a strong man could not bring him to that position
+except by a powerful blow from a ponderous fist? The whole thing was a
+mystery, but the fact was apparent. Perch had gone down on his knees
+before the lovely Imogen, and she had spoken words which had caused such
+strong emotions that he had fainted. The Long Green Boy revived, after
+the young lady, with womanly tenderness, had bathed his brow with water
+from a fountain. He told her that his heart was broken. She murmured
+something in reply and glided from the garden, while the poor youth
+arose from his knees and with his fractured heart proceeded to his room
+at the hotel.
+
+When the unfortunate Long Green Boy entered his room at the hotel, he
+seated himself on a trunk in a corner, with a multitude of darts, which
+had emanated from the eyes of the beautiful Imogen, sticking in his
+heart and causing him intense agony. The poor youth had been carried
+away into the regions of rapture, and then suddenly and unexpectedly
+plunged into the pit of despair. He was convinced that his misery was
+more than he could bear, and after meditating profoundly upon the most
+eligible methods of escaping from the troubles of this sublunary state
+of existence, he arose, and going to an apothecary's shop, asked for a
+pint of laudanum.
+
+"How much?" inquired the apothecary.
+
+"A pint," said Perch.
+
+"Do you want a whole pint?"
+
+"Yes," said Perch, with a look of despair in his face,--"it will take a
+whole pint to cure me."
+
+"What is the matter with you?" asked the apothecary.
+
+"I have got the--the toothache," said Perch.
+
+"Humph!" said the apothecary. And he went into a back room to get a
+bottle.
+
+"Father," said a blue-eyed young lady in the back room, "do not give
+that young man any laudanum."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"Because I have been watching him through the door, and I am certain he
+is crossed in love. He will kill himself."
+
+"Pooh! pooh! the young man has got the toothache. That's worse than
+being crossed in love a hundred times."
+
+"Oh, father!" said the young lady, and she resumed her reading of "The
+Sorrows of Werther."
+
+The apothecary filled the bottle and handed it to his customer. Perch
+returned to his room and proceeded to make preparations for his
+departure from earth. He sat down and wrote a letter to the cruel
+Imogen, in which he accused her of being the sole cause of his untimely
+end. He directed another letter to his distinguished friend, M. T. Pate,
+telling him that his sufferings were unendurable, and that he had been
+driven by despair to the commission of the deed.
+
+With a trembling hand the Long Green Boy then poured about half the
+contents of the bottle into a goblet and hastily drank it off. He then
+laid himself down on the bed, crossed his legs and folded his arms, and
+prepared to die with decency. Instead of the lethal effects of the
+laudanum which he had expected, he soon experienced a wonderful
+exhilaration. The washstand in the corner of the room seemed to be
+dancing a jig; there were now two lamps on the table instead of one; and
+at last the room itself was in motion, and the Long Green Boy supposed
+that the house was being moved about by an earthquake. In great
+excitement he arose from the bed, and with the floor rocking and rolling
+so that he could hardly stand on his feet, he staggered to the table,
+and, seizing the bottle, swallowed its contents. With a revolving motion
+he then reached the bed, sank down, and was soon in a state of profound
+insensibility.
+
+While the Long Green Boy thus lay in a stupor, M. T. Pate entered the
+apartment. He endeavored to awaken the sleeper, but found it impossible
+to do so, and seeing a letter on the table addressed to himself, he
+opened it, and then, with a loud exclamation of horror, rushed from the
+room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+
+The unhappy victim of unrequited love lay on his back, with his face
+turned to the ceiling, and his arms folded over his bosom, as if waiting
+for the undertaker to come and ascertain his measurement, when M. T.
+Pate again entered the room, and, rushing to the side of the bed,
+exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"
+
+Wiggins now burst into the room, and, looking at the recumbent and
+motionless form on the bed, also exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"
+
+"What's the matter?" said Toney.
+
+"He has killed himself!" said Wiggins.
+
+"Great thunder!" said Tom.
+
+"Has taken poison!" said Pate.
+
+"Poison!" exclaimed Toney. "Run for a doctor, Tom! Tell him to bring a
+stomach-pump! Run!"
+
+Tom Seddon rushed from the room in headlong haste, and running against
+Botts in the corridor, hurled him down a stairway. The unlucky Botts, in
+his night-garments, rolled over and over until he reached the bottom,
+when he found himself among a number of females, who loudly shrieked and
+fled in terror from the hideous apparition. Tom stopped not to inquire
+if any bones were broken, but went off as fast as his legs could carry
+him after a doctor to pump out the poison, while Botts rushed up the
+stairway in his night-clothes, and put another party of females to
+flight on the upper landing. He was followed into the apartment, where
+poor Perch lay on the bed, by the landlord, who was in a towering rage.
+
+"Mr. Botts!" shouted the landlord, shaking his ponderous fist at Botts,
+who was leaning over the unfortunate Perch,--"Mr. Botts! what do you
+mean by running about my house with no clothes on your----"
+
+"Hush!" said Botts.
+
+"Hush!" said Wiggins.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, hush!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+The landlord glared like an enraged lion at each of the speakers in
+succession, and then advancing on Botts, seized him by the collar and
+hurled him around until his fragile clothing was torn from his person,
+and Botts fell over a trunk and sat in a corner of the room almost in a
+state of complete nudity.
+
+"You shameless, impudent, outrageous, ugly beast! do you think that I
+will allow you to be running and racing about among the ladies in my
+house like a naked savage?"
+
+"Hold!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Respect the dead!" exclaimed Pate, pointing to poor Perch lying on the
+bed.
+
+"Who's dead?" said the landlord, looking aghast.
+
+"Look there!" said Pate.
+
+The landlord stepped forward and leaned over Perch.
+
+"Who says he is dead?" asked Boniface.
+
+"He has taken poison?" said Pate.
+
+"A whole pint--enough to kill fifty men!" said Wiggins.
+
+"He is drunk!" said the landlord.
+
+"Shame! shame!" cried Pate.
+
+"Insult the dead!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"He is drunk! I'll bet my hat on it!" said the landlord.
+
+Here Tom Seddon rushed into the room, followed by a doctor carrying a
+stomach-pump in his hand.
+
+"Here, doctor! here!" exclaimed Pate. "Quick! quick!"
+
+"Open his month," said the doctor.
+
+Pate proceeded to obey instructions, and succeeded in opening the Long
+Green Boy's mouth, but he unfortunately got his fingers in the orifice,
+and the jaws closed firmly on them.
+
+"Oh! oh! oh!" exclaimed Pate, with his forefinger between the teeth of
+the dying man.
+
+"Force his jaws open," said the doctor, holding the tube ready for
+insertion.
+
+"Oh! oh! oh! oh! gracious heavens!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+Toney Belton, by an adroit use of his thumb, succeeded in opening the
+jaws and releasing Pate, who danced about the room, exclaiming, "Oh!
+oh! oh!" while the doctor hastily thrust the tube down his patient's
+throat.
+
+A quantity of fluid was pumped into a basin.
+
+"What did you say he had taken?" inquired the doctor, examining the
+contents of the basin.
+
+"Laudanum!" said Wiggins. "A whole pint of it."
+
+"Enough to kill a team of horses!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"This is not laudanum," said the doctor, with a look of intense disgust
+at his patient.
+
+"What is it?" asked Wiggins.
+
+"Brandy," said the doctor.
+
+"Just as I said," exclaimed the landlord. "I can tell a drunken man from
+a dead man any day."
+
+The diagnosis of the landlord was correct. The wily apothecary had given
+the despairing swain a bottle of brandy, and instead of romantically
+dying for love, he had become stupidly drunk.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+
+In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely accosted and so roughly
+handled by the landlord in the apartment of the unfortunate Long Green
+Boy, was in close and earnest consultation with Wiggins. The question
+for solution was whether the landlord was a gentleman, and as such
+amenable for the insult offered to Botts by his language and the assault
+on his person. The Thirty-nine Articles of the Code of Honor were
+carefully consulted, and the question was finally determined in the
+affirmative. The social status of the offender being settled, Wiggins
+undertook to carry a cartel from Botts to Boniface.
+
+Wiggins found the landlord in his office making out bills and handed him
+Botts's invitation to the field of honor.
+
+"What's this?" asked the landlord.
+
+"It is a note from Mr. Botts," said Wiggins. "Be so good as to read it
+and then refer me to your friend, so that there may be arrangements
+made for a speedy meeting."
+
+The landlord looked over the paper and then picked up a big cudgel,
+which leaned against the wall, and advanced towards Wiggins, who began
+to retreat.
+
+"Oh, you need not run," said Boniface,--"I am not going to thrash you.
+But where is Botts?"
+
+"In his room," said Wiggins.
+
+"I'll break every bone in his body!" said the landlord.
+
+"What?" said Wiggins.
+
+"I'll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly!" And he started toward the
+door.
+
+"Hold!" cried Wiggins. "Are you not a gentleman? If not, in behalf of my
+principal I now withdraw the challenge."
+
+"Who is your principal?" exclaimed the landlord. "A man who comes into
+my house to turn it upside down! Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon
+as he arrives! Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides
+himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a well! Amuses
+himself by running and racing among the ladies like a naked Caliban and
+frightening my female boarders out of their wits! I'll give him
+satisfaction,--the ugly brute!"
+
+The landlord began to ascend the stairway, breathing vengeance against
+Botts. Wiggins caught him by the tail of his coat and called out, "Hold!
+hold! I command the peace!"
+
+"Are you a magistrate?" said the landlord.
+
+"No; but I am a good citizen, and in the name of the law I command the
+peace!"
+
+"Let me go!" said the landlord, flourishing his cudgel. "Let me go! If
+you tear my coat-tail off, I will----"
+
+Here a number of ladies appeared on the upper landing and opposed a
+barrier of beauty between the landlord and Botts, whose ugly visage was
+seen in their rear. Several gentlemen were in the corridor at the foot
+of the stairway, and among them a fat and funny little fellow, who stood
+gazing at the scene with a most comical expression of countenance. The
+landlord struggled to get free, but Wiggins held on to the tail of his
+coat with the tenacity of a terrier.
+
+"Let me go, I say!" shouted Boniface, shaking his cudgel at Botts.
+
+The ladies screamed and Botts looked amazed. Suddenly a voice was heard
+issuing from the mouth of the challenger, exclaiming, "Save me, ladies!
+oh, save me! save me!"
+
+"What! begging, you ugly beast!" exclaimed the landlord. "Yes, you had
+better beg!"
+
+"Oh, ladies!" exclaimed Botts, in piteous tones. "Don't let him murder
+me! I put myself under your protection!"
+
+"Who ever heard the like?" said a gentleman standing at the foot of the
+stairway. "The pitiful poltroon! Come away, landlord! You wouldn't beat
+a man who has put himself under the protection of the women!"
+
+The ladies gathered round Botts, and vowed that they would protect him.
+Botts was amazed at their tender solicitude in his behalf. The landlord
+was puzzled. He dropped his cudgel and walked back to his office,
+followed by Wiggins, who was intensely disgusted at the poltroonery of
+his principal.
+
+"Look here, Wiggins," said Boniface, "I can't thrash a man who begs for
+mercy and puts himself under the protection of petticoats, but tell him
+to get out of my house. There has been nothing but confusion in it since
+he came. Let him be off, and tell him to take that drunken fellow Perch
+with him."
+
+Wiggins undertook to convey the message of the landlord to Botts and the
+Long Green Boy. Just then Toney and Tom entered, and the former espying
+the fat little fellow standing in the corridor, exclaimed, "Why,
+Charley! how are you? where did you come from?"
+
+"Toney, my boy, glad to see you! I've just arrived."
+
+"Let me introduce you to my friend Tom Seddon," said Toney. "Tom, this
+is Charley Tickle, an old college friend."
+
+Seddon and Tickle shook hands, and looked as if they intended to be most
+excellent friends.
+
+"Charley," said Toney, "we have not met since we parted at college.
+Where have you been?"
+
+"All over the world, Toney. I have traveled extensively, I can tell you.
+I have been a lecturer, a biologist, an artist, and am now a professor.
+Mind that you always give me my title when we go into company together."
+
+"Where is your local habitation at present?"
+
+"I am studying phrenology under the learned Professor Boneskull."
+
+"Who is he?"
+
+"A celebrated phrenologist. A few days ago he arrived in your town of
+Mapleton, and has there rented a house. You will find him flourishing
+when you go back. The room in which he receives visitors will cause you
+to open your eyes with wonder and awe."
+
+"Why so?" said Toney.
+
+"When you enter, you will see opposite the door a bust of Socrates, and
+on its head is perched a prodigious owl. If I am with you, the owl will
+speak to us and say. 'How do you do, gentlemen?--I am glad to see you.'"
+
+"It must be a parrot," said Seddon.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, it is an owl. He never speaks except when I am present,
+and then he sometimes becomes quite eloquent. There is evidently
+something supernatural about the bird, and I have suggested to Boneskull
+that it may be a fairy. He has consulted it on several occasions, and
+has received most excellent advice."
+
+"No doubt of it," said Toney. "The owl is the bird of wisdom."
+
+"Boneskull has a number of animals, birds, and reptiles stuffed, and
+arranged around his room in glass cases. To show you how implicitly the
+learned man relies upon what is uttered by the bird of wisdom, I will
+relate one or two incidents. One morning I met a young fellow who had a
+rat which he had skinned and stuffed, and having ingeniously fastened
+bristles to its tail, was persuading people that it was a squirrel. I
+told him to take it to Boneskull. When I entered his study, the learned
+man was examining this curious specimen, and shaking his head rather
+dubiously. But on my entrance, the owl spoke and assured him it was a
+genuine squirrel, and of a very rare species; whereupon he purchased it,
+and it now forms a part of his collection."
+
+"But how happens it," said Seddon, "that the bird never speaks except
+when you are present?"
+
+"Oh, that is easily accounted for," said Tickle. "The bird of wisdom has
+a vast deal of discretion. He will not commit himself by any utterance
+except in the presence of a reliable witness. In me he has confidence,
+and in no other living man. I one day told a man to take a skull, which
+he had found, to the phrenologist, and that he would get a good price
+for it. When I entered, Boneskull had it in his hand and was carefully
+examining it. The owl now spoke, and said that it was the skull of a
+distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo, which a missionary had brought
+home with him on his return from Africa. Boneskull was delighted with
+this information. He purchased the skull, and always has it before him
+on his table. It affords him great pleasure to point out its
+intellectual developments as indicated by the bumps. He says that an
+intellect once resided in that cranium equal to that of Clay, Webster,
+or Calhoun, and that its bumps clearly demonstrate that the negro is the
+equal of the white man in mental capacity. The vender of this valuable
+specimen of craniology afterwards told me that it was the skull of an
+idiot who had died in the almshouse; but I did not believe him, for how
+could I doubt the veracity and intelligence of the bird of wisdom?"
+
+Here the conversation was interrupted by the appearance of Botts and
+Perch, accompanied by Pate and Wiggins, and followed by Scipio,
+Hannibal, and C�sar carrying the baggage of the two former gentlemen.
+Toney and his friends walked with them to the cars. On the way Wiggins
+and Botts got into a warm altercation, and the latter became much
+excited as Wiggins upbraided him with having shown the white feather
+when menaced by the landlord's cudgel.
+
+"I tell you," exclaimed Botts, "I never uttered a word."
+
+"You did," said Scipio, who was walking behind with a trunk on his
+shoulder.
+
+"What's that you say?" shouted Botts, turning round and looking at
+Scipio with a most malignant aspect.
+
+"Indeed, Massa Botts," exclaimed Scipio, "I didn't say nothing."
+
+"Botts begged!" said Hannibal. "Yaw! haw! haw!"
+
+"Asked the women to save him from a beating!" said C�sar. "Yaw! haw!
+haw!"
+
+Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious wild beast. His ugly
+visage became absolutely frightful. Lifting up his cane, he suddenly
+charged on C�sar, who dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with
+precipitation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed the
+fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his cane until they
+reached the hotel, when they darted into the basement-story, and hid
+themselves in some place of refuge.
+
+The landlord was standing on the veranda of the hotel, and behold Scipio
+and his comrades flying before the infuriated Botts. He turned white
+with rage and roared out, in a tone of thunder, "Making another muss,
+are you? Can't you be off without raising a row with my negroes? I'll
+settle with you, now there are no petticoats to protect you." And the
+landlord rushed into the house for his cudgel. Botts, having put Scipio,
+Hannibal, and C�sar to flight, had glory enough for one day, and without
+waiting to encounter another antagonist, hastily returned to his
+companions. Pate and Perch were in great agitation, while Toney and Tom
+were convulsed with laughter. The Professor stood quietly looking on
+with a grave and serious aspect. After relieving himself by the
+discharge of a quantity of profanity, Botts was somewhat pacified by
+Pate. The trunks were loaded on a wheelbarrow by a sturdy Hibernian, and
+conveyed to their place of destination; and Perch and his companion,
+bidding their friends an affectionate farewell, entered a car and were
+soon wafted away from the beautiful town of Bella Vista.
+
+Pate and Wiggins returned to the hotel, while Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor sauntered around until a train of cars stopped, and three
+daintily dressed young men got out. These gentlemen all recognized Toney
+Belton, and were introduced by him to his friends as Messrs. Love, Dove,
+and Bliss.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+
+After an interchange of salutations, Dove, who was a little man, about
+five feet three inches in height, most elaborately dressed, tapped the
+toe of his highly polished French boot with an elegant cane, so fragile
+that it seemed to have been constructed for the purpose of beating off
+butterflies and other annoying insects, and then asked after M. T. Pate,
+and inquired the way to the hotel. Having received satisfactory
+information from Toney in response to his inquiries, he took Love by the
+arm, and, followed by Bliss, proceeded up the street.
+
+"Those are pretty little men," said the Professor, looking after them
+with a peculiar expression of fun lurking around the corner of his mouth
+and twinkling in his eye. "What did you say their names were?"
+
+"Love, Dove, and Bliss," said Toney.
+
+"Love and Dove are the two who have their wings locked together?" asked
+the Professor.
+
+"Yes," said Toney. "And Bliss is walking behind."
+
+"That is a proper programme," said the Professor.
+
+"When Love and Dove go together, Bliss should always accompany them."
+
+"Now, Tom," said Toney, "you have seen the whole seven."
+
+"The whole seven!" said the Professor. "Who are they?"
+
+"The Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.
+
+"The Seven Sweethearts!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"An organization," said Toney, "which originated in Mapleton, and now
+has numerous ramifications all over the country."
+
+"Indeed!" said the Professor. "I have traveled much but never heard of
+such an organization until now."
+
+"Then you would like to know something about the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts?" said Seddon.
+
+"Very much," said the Professor. "I am compiling a new work on zoology,
+and will devote a chapter to the species of animal you have mentioned."
+
+"Toney will give you a history of the origin and objects of the
+organization," said Tom.
+
+"With the greatest pleasure," said Toney. "But come, let us light our
+cigars and take seats on yonder bench under the trees and make ourselves
+comfortable."
+
+The three friends proceeded to the spot designated, and while the
+fragrant smoke was rolling off from their cigars, Toney gave an account
+of the Mystic Brotherhood, such as Seddon had already been made
+acquainted with; following it up with a recital of the events which had
+recently transpired in the town of Bella Vista; including a graphic
+description of the combat between Botts and the monkey in the ball-room;
+the contemplated duel between Botts and Bragg, and its singular
+termination; the terrible quarrel between the latter and the landlord,
+and the expulsion of the valiant captain from the hotel; the abortive
+attempt of Perch to commit suicide, and the scenes that ensued up to the
+time of the arrival of Tickle. The Professor listened with grave
+interest, and occasionally made a note in a little book which he drew
+from his pocket and held in his hand. When Toney had concluded, he
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Well, Toney, I thought that I knew something, but you are a long way
+ahead of me, my boy, in useful knowledge. Let me see." And he looked
+over his notes. "The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. An order founded
+on principles of benevolence. Its object the welfare of women. To
+prevent marriages. Single women much happier than those who are married.
+A grand idea of M. T. Pate. Toney, this organization must flourish. It
+will soon get far ahead of the Order of Seven Wise Men. But it must have
+leaders. Who are its officers?"
+
+"I have a list of them here," said Toney, drawing a paper from his
+pocket-book.
+
+"What is this?" said the Professor, taking the paper in his hand and
+glancing over it. It read as follows:
+
+
+                     M. O. O. S. S.
+     N. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .  M. T. Pate.
+     M. W. D.  .  .  .  .  .  .  Wm. Wiggins.
+     P. O. P. F.  .  .  .  .  .  Edward Botts.
+     G. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .  Samuel Perch.
+     D. A.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Lucius Love.
+     N. N.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Altamont Dove.
+     W. W.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Marmaduke Bliss.
+
+
+"What do those letters signify?" said the Professor.
+
+"I have been puzzling my held over them for a long while," said Toney.
+"Suppose you and Tom Seddon now aid me in deciphering them."
+
+"Agreed!" said Tom.
+
+"N. G. G.," said the Professor. "What does that mean?"
+
+"I can't make it out," said Toney.
+
+"Noble Grand Gander," suggested Tom.
+
+"Good!" said Toney. "Tom, you are an Oedipus!"
+
+"M. T. Pate is the Noble Grand Gander of the organization," said the
+Professor, making an entry in his book. "M. W. D. What does that
+signify?"
+
+"You are too hard for me," said Toney.
+
+"Most Worthy Donkey," said Tom.
+
+"Hurrah!" said Toney,--"that's it, I am certain. Tom, you should open a
+guessing school,--you would make your fortune."
+
+"P. O. P. F.," said the Professor. "What's that?"
+
+"Can't you guess, Tom?" said Toney.
+
+"I am balked," said Tom.
+
+"Botts?" said the Professor. "Is he the handsome man who was chasing the
+negroes?"
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"Prince Of Pretty Fellows," suggested the Professor.
+
+"That's it! excellent!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"G. G. G.?" said the Professor.
+
+"Great Green Gosling," said Tom.
+
+"Perch is the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor, making an entry
+in his book. "And now for Love. What is the signification of D. A.?"
+
+"Dainty Adorer," said Toney; and the Professor made a note, and then
+inquired the meaning of N. N.
+
+"Noble Nonentity," said Tom.
+
+"That hits Dove exactly," said Toney.
+
+"There is one more," said the Professor.
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"W. W.," said the Professor.
+
+"Winsome Wooer," suggested Seddon.
+
+"That completes the list," said the Professor, looking over his
+note-book and making another entry.
+
+"Bliss is the Winsome Wooer. Toney, how did you procure this curious
+document?"
+
+"It came into my possession under very extraordinary circumstances,"
+said Toney. "Would you like to hear the story?"
+
+"I would, indeed," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us have it," said Tom.
+
+"You have heard me speak of the Widow Wild, who lives in the vicinity of
+Mapleton?" said Toney.
+
+"Frequently," said Tom.
+
+"The widow has a very handsome residence, and in it dwells a very pretty
+daughter."
+
+"The lovely Rosabel Wild?" said Tom.
+
+"How did you learn her name?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Oh, I have learned that and much more in addition," said Tom.
+
+"What more?" said Toney.
+
+"I have been credibly informed that a certain young lawyer, who answers
+to the name of Toney Belton, and who seldom deigns to look at any other
+woman, is wonderfully enchanted and woefully bewitched by the lovely
+Rosabel Wild. Is it not so? Come, make a clean breast of it, Toney. An
+honest confession is good for the soul?"
+
+"Well, Tom, I will be candid with you, and say, in sailor's phraseology,
+that if I were about to embark on a voyage of matrimony, as captain of
+the craft I would like to have Rosabel Wild for my mate. But the widow
+is very eccentric, and has often declared, in the most emphatic terms,
+that no man can marry her daughter unless he is worth a hundred thousand
+dollars. Now, you know that I have not got a hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"But your bachelor uncle, Colonel Abraham Belton, has, and you will be
+his heir."
+
+"That is by no means so certain as you seem to suppose. Colonel Abraham
+Belton, although he has lived longer than yourself by some twenty years,
+is really as young a man as either of us, for nature has given him a
+constitution of iron. He is so tough that time has never been able to
+plow a furrow in his face, nor has he a gray hair in his whiskers. He
+may marry a wife."
+
+"Very true," said the Professor; "and she may raise up children unto
+Abraham."
+
+"And," said Toney, "the children of Abraham may deprive me of the
+hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"Toney, you are a man of sense," said the Professor; "and the French
+maxim-maker says that a wise man may sometimes love like a madman, but
+never like a fool. But let us hear your story."
+
+"Well, you must know that I am really a very great favorite with the
+Widow Wild, although I have not the requisite sum for a son-in-law. I
+believe that Rosabel would be willing to wait until I get the hundred
+thousand dollars. Indeed, to be candid, I have consulted her, and she
+has expressed a decided determination to do so. This, however, is a
+profound secret between the young lady and myself, which we have never
+confided to the widow. I am often at the house."
+
+"I should suppose so," said Tom.
+
+"On a certain evening I was there, and the clock striking eleven, I rose
+and was about to take my leave, when the widow urged me to remain,
+saying that she had received an intimation that Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+who, you must know, sing as sweetly as nightingales, were coming to
+entertain Rosabel with a serenade. Now, the widow has a singular
+antipathy to the Seven Sweethearts, and not one of them can gain
+admission to her mansion; but Love, Dove, and Bliss had met Rosabel a
+few nights before at a party, where Dove kept fluttering around her
+until the widow, who was also present, expressed a desire to take him
+home and put him in a cage with her canary-bird. It was a fine moonlight
+night, and we sat conversing in the parlor until about twelve o'clock,
+when we heard the voice of Dove under Rosabel's window, singing, in
+mellifluous notes,--
+
+
+     'Wake, fairest, awake! at thy window now be;
+       The moon on the midnight her splendor is pouring.
+     Wake, fairest, awake! from thy window now see,
+       Like a saint at his shrine, thy lover adoring.
+
+     'Come, beautiful, forth on thy balcony high,
+       While silver-toned music around thee is floating;
+     And yon shooting-star shall come down from the sky,
+       Like a slave at thy feet his homage devoting.
+
+     'Nay, venture not, dearest! lest over the air
+       Some spirits should chance to be wand'ring this even;
+     And, deeming thee some truant angel now there,
+       Might steal thee away to their home in the heaven.'
+
+
+"'Rosabel,' said I, 'how can you refrain from jumping out the window
+when a pretty little man like Dove invites you to come forth and behold
+"thy lover adoring"?'
+
+"'But,' said Rosabel, 'in the last verse he warns me not to venture.'
+
+"'That is true,' said I; 'the little man manifests a wonderful
+solicitude for your safety. He is apprehensive lest you might be
+arrested as a runaway angel,--a fugitive from service.'
+
+"'Hist! hist!' said Rosabel.
+
+"'That is Love,' said I; and the voice of the serenader was heard
+singing,--
+
+
+     'The silvery cloudlets now are weeping, love,
+       Sweet dewdrops on the flowers,
+     And mellow moonlight now is creeping, love,
+       Under the ivy bowers.
+     And thou hast heard the vesper hymn
+       That stirred the balmy air,
+     When, as the shadows grew more dim,
+       The pious met in prayer.
+
+     'Their sacred rosaries they were counting, love,
+       Unto their saints in heaven,
+     And telling them to what a mountain, love,
+       Their sins had grown this even.
+     While thus to saints on high they pour
+       Their prayers at evening bland,
+     I am contented to adore
+       An angel near at hand.'
+
+
+"'Oh, Rosabel!' I exclaimed, 'I always thought you were an angel, and
+now I know it, for both Love and Dove have testified to the fact. Out of
+the mouths of two witnesses has the truth been established. You are an
+angel, Rosabel, but please don't fly away.'
+
+"'Nonsense, Toney! Don't go crazy. Be quiet--hush! Listen!'
+
+"'That is Bliss,' said I; and we heard him singing,--
+
+
+     'My little, lovely, laughing maid!
+       So great a thief thou art,
+     I do declare, I am afraid
+       Thou'st stolen all my heart.
+
+     'Thou'st stolen the lily's purest white,
+       Thou'st stolen the rose's hue,
+     Thou'st stolen each flow'ret's beauties bright,
+       And stolen my poor heart too.
+
+     'Well, little rogue, come help yourself,
+       Your robberies repeat,
+     And take the rest of the poor elf
+       Who's sighing at your feet.'
+
+
+"'He accuses you of felony,' said I. 'Oh, Rosabel! why did you, after
+having perpetrated so many larcenies among the flower-beds, steal the
+poor little man's heart?'
+
+"'What would I want with his heart?' said Rosabel, pouting.
+
+"'He tells you to keep it, and makes an offer of himself. He offers you
+Bliss.'
+
+"'The impudent little scamp!' said the widow. 'Tell Juba and Jugurtha to
+come here.'
+
+"'Yes, ma'am,' said a colored girl, who stood grinning behind the
+widow's chair.
+
+"Two gigantic negro men soon made their appearance.
+
+"'Are the dogs in the kennel?' said the widow.
+
+"'Yes, ma'am,' said Juba.
+
+"'Oh, mother!' exclaimed Rosabel, 'you won't do that! It is a pity!'
+
+"'Indeed I will,' said the widow. 'Let them loose!'
+
+"'Yes, ma'am;' and Juba and Jugurtha grinned, and each uttered a low
+chuckle as they hurried from the room.
+
+"The voice of Dove was warbling another melody. It stopped suddenly, for
+the baying of hounds was heard on the opposite side of the house. I
+looked out the window, and in the moonlight could see Love and Bliss
+leaping over the paling fence. Dove was climbing an apple-tree, when a
+dog seized him behind and tore away his tail----"
+
+"What!" said the Professor.
+
+"The tail of his coat," said Toney. "Dove took refuge among the branches
+of the tree.
+
+"After awhile Juba entered the room showing his ivory and exhibiting a
+piece of broadcloth, which he held in his hand as a trophy.
+
+"'What is that?' asked the widow.
+
+"'Dunno, ma'am,--I tuk it from Trouncer.'
+
+"'Let me look,' said I. 'Why, it's Dove's tail!'
+
+"The widow shrieked with laughter, and Rosabel hid her face on the
+cushion of the sofa and shook as if she had an ague. I put my hand in
+the pocket and drew out a number of papers.
+
+"'What are those?' said the widow.
+
+"'Love-letters,' said I. 'Here, Rosabel, you can read them.'
+
+"'And those?' said the widow.
+
+"'Verses,' said I,--'songs and sonnets. Rosabel, you can copy them into
+your album.'
+
+"'And that?' said the widow.
+
+"'Why,' said I,'this puzzles me.'
+
+"'What does M. O. O. S. S. mean?' asked the widow.
+
+"'Oh, I know what that means,' said I.
+
+"'What?' said Rosabel.
+
+"'It signifies Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts.' And I gave Rosabel
+and her mother an account of the Sweethearts, which excited much
+merriment.
+
+"'But these letters, N. G. G. and M. W. D.,--what do they mean?' asked
+the widow.
+
+"'That I cannot tell,' said I.
+
+"'Do try to find out,' said Rosabel.
+
+"I promised to do so, and have ever since retained the paper in my
+possession for the purpose of deciphering it."
+
+"But what became of Dove?" asked the Professor.
+
+"I must tell you," said Toney. "When I retired I could not sleep. I
+thought about Rosabel, and then about Dove in the apple-tree, and then I
+would roar with laughter; and Rosabel and her mother must have heard me,
+for I could hear explosions of mirth in an adjoining apartment. Towards
+morning I got into a doze and was dreaming that I had a hundred thousand
+dollars, and had purchased a diamond ring for Rosabel, who had ordered
+her bridal attire, when I was awakened by hearing voices in the garden.
+I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. It was daylight, and under
+the apple-tree I beheld Juba walking to and fro with the steady pace of
+a Roman sentinel. Dove was perched on a bough over his head, and I could
+hear him in piteous tones begging the negro to tie up the dogs. For a
+long while his supplications made no impression on the obdurate African.
+Finally he drew a coin of glittering gold from the pocket of his vest,
+and the tempting bribe produced the desired effect. The dogs were tied
+up, and Dove dropped from the tree, and leaped over the fence and
+vanished."
+
+Just then the loud sound of a gong, announcing the arrival of the hour
+for dinner, was heard, and Toney and his friends arose from their seats
+and walked toward the hotel.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+
+In the afternoon, as the sun was descending towards the western horizon,
+and the balmy breezes were gently stirring the leaves of the silver
+maples which shaded the main avenue leading from the hotel, Toney, in
+company with Tom and the Professor, proceeded on a promenade. They had
+not gone far before they perceived Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings
+just in advance of them, walking slowly and apparently engaged in
+earnest conversation. They overheard Harry say, "I tell you my mind is
+made up. I am off for Mexico, and I want you to go with me."
+
+Clarence shook his head. His mind was not yet made up.
+
+"Did you hear that?" said Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Tom. "Harry is going to Mexico."
+
+"Do you mean the tall, handsome young man walking on the left?" said the
+Professor.
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"I thought he had military glory in his mind as soon as I saw him," said
+the Professor.
+
+"Why so?" asked Toney.
+
+"A close observer can sometimes tell what is in a man's mind by his
+walk," said the Professor. "From the erect manner in which the young man
+carried his head and the determined tread with which he brought down his
+foot, I was certain that he had resolved on a march for the Halls of the
+Montezumas."
+
+The Professor and his two friends had now halted under a tree and were
+engaged in conversation, when Claribel and Wiggins came by, and as they
+passed Harry and Clarence, Wiggins bowed, but the lovely Claribel never
+turned her head.
+
+"Did you observe that?" said Seddon.
+
+"I did," said Tony.
+
+"Military glory is getting into the mind of the other young gentleman, I
+think," said the Professor. "He seems to be half a head taller than he
+was a moment ago, and his foot comes down with a determination that
+indicates no benevolent intentions towards Santa Anna and his myrmidons.
+But, look! yonder comes our three pretty little men."
+
+Love now passed them, followed by Dove and Bliss, each escorting a very
+beautiful young lady. Love seemed to be supremely happy, and in terms of
+rapture was directing the attention of the smiling beauty to the
+magnificent sunset.
+
+
+     "Yon sun that sets upon the sea
+       We follow in his flight;
+     Farewell, awhile, to him and thee----
+
+
+Ugh! ugh! ugh!" exclaimed Love; and the lady loudly shrieked as he was
+lifted from his feet and rudely carried away from her side.
+
+A mischievous dog had assaulted an aged sow of monstrous proportions,
+which was quietly rooting in the street, and the affrighted porker
+frantically rushed between the legs of the beau and galloped off with
+him on her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror. He fell forward on
+the back of the sow and convulsively grasped her by the ears. The ladies
+fled screaming toward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified
+with astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full speed after
+Love, who was rapidly galloping away on the back of his courser. The
+dog, delighted with the sport, kept pinching the hams of the sow, and in
+the hope of escaping from her ruthless tormentor, she diverged from the
+main avenue and ran across a common to a pond of mud and water. Into the
+pond plunged the sow with the unfortunate beau on her back, scattering a
+flock of ducks, that with loud quacks fluttered up the banks, where
+stood the dog barking and bobbing his head in the full enjoyment of the
+fun.
+
+In a few moments groups of men and boys were assembled on the margin of
+the pond. Love sat on the back of the sow bespattered with mud, and
+still tenaciously holding on by her long, pendant ears. Suddenly a voice
+was heard, apparently issuing from the mouth of the porker, and
+exclaiming, "Let go my ears!"
+
+"Golly! did you hear that?" exclaimed C�sar, with his eyes dilating in
+amazement.
+
+"The hog's talking," said Hannibal.
+
+"That beats Balaam's ass!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Get off my back!" shrieked the sow, and Love, in the utmost terror,
+rolled off into the mud. The sow slowly waded towards the bank and gazed
+up at the dog with a look of indignation. Her canine persecutor was put
+to flight by a stone hurled from the hand of Hannibal, when she ascended
+the bank, and, shaking the mud from her sides, with a grunt trotted off,
+and was soon seen industriously digging with her nose in a sward of
+clover.
+
+"Jehosophat! that hog talked," said Hannibal.
+
+"Nonsense!" said Toney.
+
+"'Deed, Massa Belton, that old sow talked. I heerd her talkin' myself,"
+said C�sar.
+
+"The devil's in the swine," said Seddon.
+
+"I b'lieves that old sow's the debbil," said Hannibal.
+
+"Pshaw!" said Toney, "it was some boy you heard talking. Do you suppose
+that the hogs in this town have the gift of gab? Here, help Mr. Love out
+of the pond."
+
+The unfortunate beau sat helplessly in the midst of the mud and water,
+and was turning his eyes imploringly towards Dove and Bliss, who stood
+on the bank.
+
+"Wade in and help him out," said Toney to the negroes.
+
+C�sar and Hannibal both shook their heads.
+
+"Here, take this," said Toney, handing each a silver coin. "Now, wade
+in."
+
+C�sar and Hannibal commenced slowly rolling up the legs of their
+trousers until they had gathered them in bundles above their knees. They
+then with much deliberation waded to the middle of the pond, and each
+taking Love by an arm, lifted him up, and bringing him ashore, laid him
+down on the bank.
+
+"Get that wheelbarrow," said Toney, pointing to a vehicle of the sort
+which had been left on the common.
+
+C�sar brought the barrow, and Hannibal lifted Love up and deposited him
+in the bottom of the vehicle, and, followed by a procession of people,
+carried the luckless beau back to the hotel.
+
+"Take him to the bath-house," said the landlord.
+
+The negroes obeyed orders, and left Love in the care of Dove and Bliss.
+
+"That hog talked," said C�sar.
+
+"Sartingly!" said Hannibal. "Golly! who ever heerd a hog talk afore
+dat?"
+
+"Those African gentlemen are fully persuaded that the sow spoke," said
+Seddon to the Professor.
+
+"It may be so," said the Professor. "She was under the influence of
+Love, and that has been known to produce miraculous results."
+
+In the mean while, Wiggins and the lovely Claribel, in utter ignorance
+of the melancholy catastrophe just related, had continued their walk
+until they entered a delightful grove on the outskirts of the town. Here
+was a beautiful fountain and rustic bench, around which hung a canopy of
+clustering vines. Claribel was about to seat herself on the bench when a
+hideous head was thrust out from among the vines. The lady uttered a
+faint scream and swooned in terror. Wiggins was dreadfully startled, and
+drawing back a cane with a leaden bullet enveloped in gutta-percha on
+its end, dealt a blow on the head of the apparition which would have
+cracked the skull of an ox. The monster fell back dead in the bushes.
+Wiggins now turned his attention to his fair companion. She was
+unconscious. He lifted her up, and, with the lovely Claribel in his
+arms, seated himself on the rustic bench. Her head rested against his
+bosom, and Wiggins bent down until his mouth accidentally came in
+contact with her ruby lips. It was an accident, and Wiggins did not
+intend to commit a trespass, but he could not help it. Wiggins kissed
+Claribel on her delicious little mouth. Now, who ever kissed a lovely
+young lady once without wanting to kiss her again? Wiggins kissed her
+again, and then several times in rapid succession. Just then Harry
+Vincent and Clarence Hastings, unperceived by Wiggins, entered the
+grove. They stood still in astonishment. An expression of horror was
+depicted on the countenance of Clarence. For a moment he stood as if
+rooted to the earth. Then pulling Harry by the arm, he said, in a hoarse
+whisper, "Come!" The young men walked on in silence for about five
+minutes, when Clarence said, "Harry, I will go with you to the Mexican
+war."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+
+On the morning after the events related in the preceding chapter, the
+ladies at the hotel could talk of nothing but Love. Love seemed to
+occupy all their thoughts, and at breakfast many a pair of beautiful
+eyes were directed towards the door of the saloon each time it opened,
+in eager expectation of his appearance. But he did not appear, and many
+young damsels retired from the table sadly disappointed by his
+invisibility. At about ten o'clock in the morning a rumor became
+prevalent that Love was about to appear, and many a pretty face might be
+seen peeping from a half-opened door, evidently for the purpose of
+getting a glimpse of the Dainty Adorer when he came forth. Soon the
+heavy tramp of feet was heard in the corridor, as Scipio, C�sar, and
+Hannibal marched along carrying trunks with the names of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss in large letters on their lids. The Dainty Adorer now came form
+with the Noble Nonentity on his right and the Winsome Wooer on his left.
+The three little men had their arms locked, and were followed by Wiggins
+and M. T. Pate, who seemed to be exceedingly sad. As the melancholy
+procession descended the stairway, from numerous doors opening into the
+corridor issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper landing,
+where was soon assembled a galaxy of beauty gazing after Love, Dove, and
+Bliss, who were taking their departure. As the daintily-dressed little
+beaus went forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the
+stairway and assembled on the veranda, where they continued to gaze down
+the avenue until Hannibal, who led the advance, turned a corner, and
+then, in a moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view.
+One might have imagined that the departure of Bliss would have produced
+a feeling of melancholy among the beauties who had been deserted; but
+such was not the case. Peals of laughter were heard, and, regardless of
+the flight of Dove and the departure of Bliss, the young ladies talked
+merrily of Love during the entire day.
+
+Toney, Tom, and the Professor were at the railway and witnessed the
+departure of Love, Dove, and Bliss with manifest regret. They turned
+away and walked for some moments in profound silence, when Seddon
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Yonder comes Captain Bragg!"
+
+The cosmopolite approached them at a hurried pace, and apparently in
+much excitement. He was introduced to the Professor, and then Toney
+inquired about the condition of his health.
+
+"I am physically well, Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "but am mentally
+afflicted."
+
+"Indeed!" said Toney. "I trust that there has been no serious cause for
+this disturbance of your usual equanimity."
+
+"I have met with a great, I fear an irreparable, loss," said Bragg.
+
+"A ship foundered at sea without any insurance on her?" inquired the
+Professor.
+
+"My monkey," said Bragg.
+
+"Alas!" exclaimed Tom Seddon in pathetic tones, "is the monkey no more?"
+
+"Is he dead?" said Toney, apparently in great anxiety to learn its fate.
+
+"I know not," said Bragg. "He is missing. I have searched for him in
+vain."
+
+"He may have run away and escaped over Mason and Dixon's line," said the
+Professor. "Could you not reclaim him under the fugitive slave law?"
+
+"That monkey would never have run away, Mr. Tickle. I have fed him and
+protected him, and he could never have been guilty of such gross folly
+and base ingratitude."
+
+"A negro, who is clothed and fed and protected, will occasionally run
+off from a comfortable home, and why not a monkey?" said Seddon.
+
+"A negro may run away from the mush-pot of his master because he is a
+slave, and is impelled by a natural and laudable desire for liberty. But
+my monkey was not a slave, Mr. Seddon. He was a friend and a companion.
+Monkeys and apes, Mr. Tickle, have emotions and sentiments. All they
+lack is the power of speech to give expression to their thoughts and
+feelings."
+
+"They sometimes, though rarely, have that faculty," said the Professor.
+"On one occasion I heard a venerable baboon express himself in emphatic
+and excellent English."
+
+"Indeed!" said Bragg.
+
+"It was in Kentucky," said the Professor, "There was a traveling
+menagerie exhibiting in a small village. A number of negroes were
+examining the baboon with much curiosity, and one of them insisted that
+he could talk but would not, because if he did the white people would
+put him to work, and he was too lazy to work. I was present and heard
+the baboon indignantly exclaim, 'You lie, you ugly, nasty nigger! I am
+not as lazy as you are! Begone! or I'll bite your nose off!' The
+Africans tore a hole in the tent in their efforts to get out."
+
+Here there was heard an uproar in the street and a crowd of boys was
+seen approaching. One of them was carrying an animal, which he grasped
+by the tail and held with its head hanging down.
+
+"What is that?" asked Seddon.
+
+"A dead monkey," said the boy. "We found him in the grove by the
+fountain lying on his back in the bushes."
+
+Bragg rushed forward and the boy dropped the monkey, which lay on the
+ground with its hideous face turned upward.
+
+"My monkey! my monkey!" exclaimed Bragg. He stooped down and examined
+the dead body. Its skull had been cracked by a terrible blow which must
+have produced instant death. "This monkey has been foully murdered! Oh,
+that I knew the villain who perpetrated the bloody deed! Who killed my
+monkey? I say who killed my monkey?" said Bragg.
+
+"Botts!" said a voice apparently issuing from the mouth of the monkey.
+Bragg started back with a look of amazement. The crowd of boys opened
+and they fell back in awe and terror.
+
+"Bill," said a boy to his companion, "that monkey spoke."
+
+"True as preaching!" said Bill. "I heard it."
+
+Bragg stood speechless for some minutes. Then, in solemn tones, he
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Gentlemen, did you not hear that?"
+
+"What?" said Toney, who with Tom stood at a distance of some paces. "I
+heard nothing."
+
+"Did you not hear a voice issuing from the mouth of the corpse and
+proclaiming the name of the murderer?" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"Impossible!" said Seddon.
+
+"By no means impossible," said the Professor. "Shakspeare, who is good
+authority on all such subjects, tells us that
+
+
+     Stones have been known to move and trees to speak;
+     Auguries and understood relations have,
+     By magot-pies and choughs and rooks, brought forth
+     The secret'st man of blood."
+
+
+"True, Mr. Tickle," said Bragg. "And as sure as yonder sun is shining in
+the heavens I heard a voice issuing from that monkey's mouth and
+proclaiming Botts to be the murderer!"
+
+"Botts could prove an alibi," said Toney. "He has gone back to
+Mapleton."
+
+"The conscience-stricken villain!" exclaimed Bragg. "He has imbrued his
+hands in innocent blood and then fled. I will follow him to the ends of
+the earth!" And Bragg started off as if in pursuit of the murderer.
+
+"Captain!" shouted Seddon, "What will you do with the corpse?"
+
+"Bury it," said Bragg, coming back,--"and then I will seek out that
+villain Botts."
+
+Accompanied by the boys, Bragg proceeded to bury his monkey.
+
+"That man is insane," said the Professor.
+
+"All excitable people are insane at times," said Toney.
+
+"Bragg has monkey-mania," said Tom.
+
+"And pseudomania," said Toney.
+
+"His lies are harmless," said Seddon.
+
+"And amusing," said Toney. "Bragg can beat Baron Munchausen."
+
+"That was an amusing story he told about his residence in Africa among
+those long-tailed gentlemen," said Seddon.
+
+"What was that?" asked the Professor.
+
+Here Tom gave an account of Bragg's residence in Africa as related by
+himself.
+
+"The man is demented," said the Professor. "But do you think he will go
+after Botts?"
+
+"As sure as his name is Bragg," said Toney. "Yonder he comes now."
+
+Bragg was seen walking towards them rapidly, carrying a carpet-bag.
+
+"Good-by, gentlemen!" said he, hurrying along.
+
+"Are you going, captain?" said Toney. "When will you return?"
+
+"As soon as I have settled with that villain Botts. Good-by!"
+
+Bragg hurried to the railway. A train of cars was just ready to start.
+"All aboard!" shouted the conductor, and the train moved off. Bragg
+seated himself with an ominous frown on his brow, for he was thinking of
+Botts. Immediately in front of him sat a man who had a large bundle by
+his side. The cars soon stopped at another station. The man got up and
+went out, leaving his bundle behind.
+
+"Here, my man, you have left your bundle!" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+The man made no answer, but had disappeared. The whistle sounded and the
+train was moving off, Bragg jumped up and threw the bundle out the
+window. It was picked up by a ragged loafer, who ran off with it. Just
+then the man re-entered the car.
+
+"Where is my bundle?" exclaimed he.
+
+"That man threw it out the window," said a passenger, pointing to Bragg.
+
+"What!" exclaimed the man, and he looked out the window and saw the
+loafer running of with his bundle. "You infernal thief!--threw my bundle
+out the window for one of your gang to carry off!"
+
+Bragg protested his innocence and endeavored to explain.
+
+"Oh, that's a pretty story!" said the man. "You are a sharp rogue! If
+you don't pay me for my bundle I will have you arrested at the next
+station and carried back to jail."
+
+"How much was your bundle worth?" asked Bragg.
+
+"Twenty dollars," said the man.
+
+"Here's the money," said Bragg.
+
+The man took the twenty dollars and resumed his seat. The train now
+stopped at another station and two constables rushed on board. They
+looked around with keen and searching glances.
+
+"Jim," said one of them to the other, "that's the man. Arrest him!"
+
+"I arrest you in the name of the law," said Jim, laying his hand on
+Bragg's shoulder.
+
+"Arrest me!" exclaimed the astonished captain. "For what?"
+
+"Burglary!" said the constable.
+
+"By the powers of mud, stand back!" shouted the indignant Bragg.
+
+"Come along, my lad!" said the constable. And Bragg, struggling with the
+officers and uttering volleys of oaths, was dragged from the car and had
+handcuffs put on his wrists.
+
+"I knew that fellow was a thief," said the man who had lost his bundle.
+
+A daring burglary had been committed in the neighborhood of Bella Vista.
+At about twelve o'clock on the preceding night the store-room which
+adjoined the dwelling-house of a country merchant had been broken open.
+The merchant was aroused and entered the store-room, but was knocked
+down and gagged by the burglars, and his goods carried off before his
+eyes. He had described the leader of the gang as a tall, raw-boned man,
+with a Roman nose. The appearance of Captain Bragg corresponded to the
+description, and hence he was arrested by the vigilant constables.
+
+Great was the astonishment of Toney and his two friends when the train
+stopped, and they beheld Bragg led from the cars by the officers, with
+handcuffs on his wrists.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Toney, "Bragg has encountered Botts and murdered
+him, and has been arrested for the crime."
+
+"That is just what has happened!" exclaimed Seddon, with a look of
+horror.
+
+"It is shocking to think of!" said Toney.
+
+"Murder a man on account of a monkey!" said Seddon.
+
+The constables kept off the crowd, and would allow no one to speak to
+the prisoner.
+
+"Mr. Belton!" exclaimed Bragg, "I want you to be my attorney."
+
+"Very good," said Jim, "you can talk to your lawyer."
+
+Toney was permitted to converse with Bragg, who explained to him the
+nature of the charge which had caused his arrest.
+
+"Thank Heaven!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Thank Heaven for what?" asked Bragg, in astonishment.
+
+"That it is no worse," said Toney.
+
+"What could be worse? Arrested as a burglar!" said Bragg.
+
+"Where were you at twelve o'clock last night?" inquired Toney.
+
+"At my boarding-house," said Bragg.
+
+"Can you prove that?" said Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Bragg.
+
+"By whom?" inquired Toney.
+
+"By my landlady and a dozen of her boarders. I was playing cards, and
+won a hundred dollars," said Bragg.
+
+"Tom Seddon," shouted Toney, "run to Captain Bragg's boarding-house, and
+tell the landlady and her boarders to come immediately to the
+magistrate's office."
+
+Captain Bragg was brought into the office.
+
+"Take off the handcuffs," said the justice. "A party accused should be
+unmanacled when he has a hearing."
+
+Jim took off the handcuffs, and then stationed himself at the door with
+his hand on his revolver, ready to shoot down the desperate burglar if
+he should attempt to escape.
+
+"Now, Mr. Belton," said the justice, "we will proceed with the
+examination."
+
+The landlady swore that Captain Bragg was in her house at twelve
+o'clock on the preceding night. Her testimony was fully corroborated by
+that of a dozen of her boarders. An alibi had already been clearly
+established by the evidence, when the merchant who had been robbed
+walked into the room. He approached Bragg and scrutinized his
+countenance.
+
+"This is not the man," said he. "The robber was a much handsomer man
+than the ugly old fellow you have got here."
+
+In consequence of this testimony Captain Bragg was discharged from
+custody; but he was so mortified and humiliated at having been
+handcuffed and charged with burglary that he immediately took his
+departure from Bella Vista; telling Toney that he intended to leave the
+United States, and seek an asylum among the islands of the Pacific
+Ocean.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+
+"It is too bad! it is too bad!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, rushing into the
+room which Toney and the Professor were quietly fumigating with a couple
+of havanas. "It is terrible to think of!"
+
+"What's the matter, Tom?" said Toney. "Has old Crabstick been afflicted
+with another fit of canine rabies, and bit you on the calf of the leg?"
+
+"Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings have gone to Mexico!" said Tom.
+
+"Well, what of that?" said Toney. "Thousands of young men have gone
+thither, and many have won distinction; and from my knowledge of Harry
+and Clarence, I am certain that both of them will soon gather luxuriant
+crops of laurel on the field of battle."
+
+"But Claribel Carrington is dying," said Seddon.
+
+"What?" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Dying?" said the Professor.
+
+"I fear it is so," said Tom. "I was at Colonel Hazlewood's house this
+morning when the newspaper was brought in. Claribel took it in her hand
+and was glancing over it when she suddenly let it drop; sat speechless
+for a moment; put her hand to her brow, and then, with a faint cry, sank
+senseless on the floor. She had seen the paragraph announcing the
+departure of Clarence and Harry. We lifted her up and her lips were
+discolored with blood. I fear that the sudden shock produced the rupture
+of a blood-vessel. She was carried to her room, and two doctors are in
+attendance."
+
+"But what of Imogen?" asked Toney.
+
+"She hastily snatched up the paper and glanced at the paragraph, and
+then it fell from her hand. She never uttered a word. I do not know
+whether that stately beauty is possessed of feeling," said Seddon.
+
+"As much perhaps as the other," said the Professor. "Some women are like
+the Laconian boy, with the fox eating away his life. With them agony has
+no outward expression. They suffer and are silent."
+
+"Women are enigmas," said Toney.
+
+"They are like pigs," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"If you want them to go to Cork you must make them suppose you desire
+them to go to Kilkenny."
+
+"I believe you are right," said Toney. "Now, here are Claribel and
+Imogen who have been bestowing their smiles on everybody but Clarence
+and Harry. For those two gentlemen, who are handsome, educated, and
+accomplished, neither of these young ladies has had a kindly look or
+friendly word for a whole week. One who was unacquainted with the secret
+workings of a woman's heart would have supposed that Claribel was deeply
+in love with Rosebud's purple proboscis."
+
+"Who is Rosebud?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Wiggins," said Toney.
+
+"The fellow with the long rubicund nasal protuberance?" asked the
+Professor. "He who is supposed to be the Most Worthy Donkey of the
+Mystic Brotherhood?"
+
+"The same," said Toney. "And Imogen appeared to be equally infatuated
+with the Long Green Boy."
+
+"Who is he?" inquired the Professor.
+
+"Sam Perch," said Toney.
+
+"Oh, you mean the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor. "The
+interesting young gentleman who was so unsuccessful in his elaborate
+attempt at suicide."
+
+"That's the youth," said Toney. "And now, when Clarence and Harry,
+worried and maddened by the caprice of these two young ladies, have gone
+off to Mexico, you see what has happened."
+
+"It was all the doings of your Seven Sweethearts, as you call them,"
+exclaimed Tom Seddon. "They must be made to leave the town."
+
+"They have all gone but two," said Toney. "The exodus of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss leaves Pate and Wiggins alone to conduct the operations of
+lady-killing and making havoc among hearts."
+
+"And Wiggins has killed Claribel, if I am not mistaken," said Seddon.
+"They must be made to leave," said he, with emphasis. "Pate has been
+bobbing his big bald head about in the mansion of old Crabstick, and has
+been gallanting Ida all around. He has magnetized her eccentric
+guardian, who is under the impression that Pate is wealthy, and
+cordially welcomes him to his house; while he will hardly allow me to
+exchange a word with Ida, and sometimes when I am in the parlor he will
+have one of his fits of hypochondria, or whatever you may call it, and
+will come bounding in on all fours, barking and pretending to bite. It
+is all put on; for the old Cerberus is polite enough in the presence of
+M. T. Pate."
+
+"Well, Tom, how do you propose to effect the expulsion of the Noble
+Grand Gander and the Most Worthy Donkey?" asked Toney.
+
+"They met me on the street about an hour ago," said Seddon, "and
+proposed that we three should accompany them on a serenade, intended for
+the entertainment of Ida."
+
+"How far does Crabstick live from the town?" inquired Toney.
+
+"About two miles," said Tom.
+
+"Let us go," said Toney.
+
+"I will arrange with some young men in Bella Vista, who will eagerly
+participate in the performance. We will have fun," said Seddon.
+
+"There is nothing like fun," said the Professor. "I am about to
+originate a sect to be called the Funny Philosophers. Let's organize it
+at once. We three,--Toney, Tom, and Tickle."
+
+"Agreed," said Toney.
+
+"And now we will commence operations by going on the proposed serenade,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"And Pate and Wiggins shall leave this town!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+
+There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twinkling, when Toney,
+Tom, and the Professor started, in company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate,
+on a pedestrian excursion to the mansion of Samuel Crabstick, situated
+at a distance of about two miles from the town of Bella Vista. They had
+proceeded some distance when they came to a rustic stile which had been
+erected over a fence on the side of the main road, and from which a path
+led through a field into a forest. Toney seated himself on the stile and
+proposed that they should diverge from the main road and follow the path
+across the field; saying that it was the most direct route to their
+place of destination.
+
+"I would prefer the main road," said Pate. "It is more circuitous; but
+there is no moon, and it will be very dark in yonder forest. We will
+have difficulty in finding our way through it."
+
+"Not at all," said Toney, "I know every foot of the path, which runs in
+a straight line to the place we are going."
+
+"Then, let us take the path," said the Professor. "When beauty is the
+attraction I always want to make a bee-line for her abode."
+
+"That is in accordance with natural laws," said Toney. "Who ever saw
+pyrites of iron taking a circuitous route to the magnet? Ida is the
+magnet. Is it not so, Tom?"
+
+Tom nodded assent.
+
+"And we are the pyrites," said the Professor. "Let us go straight to the
+attraction, and not be acting contrary to the laws of nature."
+
+Pate was overcome by these arguments, and, ascending the stile, was
+about to pursue that path, when Toney called out,--
+
+"Don't be in a hurry, Mr. Pate. We have plenty of time."
+
+"In fact, it is too early yet for a serenade," said the Professor. "We
+should wait until the young lady has put on her nightcap. If we wake her
+out of her first nap, when she has been wandering in the fairy-land of
+dreams, her impression will be that angels are singing around her
+window."
+
+"That is so," said Toney. "Let us wait. I have a proposition to make."
+
+"What is that?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Here we are going on a serenade," said Toney. "Now, I move that each
+man furnish evidence of his musical accomplishments by singing a song.
+Let Mr. Pate lead off."
+
+"A song from Mr. Pate!" cried the Professor.
+
+"A song from Mr. Pate!" shouted Seddon.
+
+"Mr. Pate will now sing," said Toney.
+
+Thus urged, Pate seated himself, and in loud if not mellifluous tones
+sang as follows:
+
+
+     The summer day's faded and starlight is streaming
+       In beautiful showers from heaven above;
+     And welcome sweet midnight! for then in its dreaming
+       My spirit is wafted away to my love.
+
+     Let others rejoicing, then welcome Aurora,
+       As fann'd by zephyrs she blushes so bright;
+     But midnight! sweet midnight! I'll ever adore her,
+       And mourn when the morning returns with its light.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate," said the Professor, "if you wake the young lady up by
+warbling that melody under her window, she will think that you are an
+angel of magnificent proportions and tremendous vocal powers. Now, Mr.
+Wiggins, it is your turn."
+
+Wiggins cleared his throat and sang the following ditty:
+
+
+       Oh, maiden fair,
+       With raven hair,
+     And lips so sweetly pouting,
+       I do avow,
+       That until now,
+     I've in my mind been doubting
+       If 'twere not sin
+       To rank you in
+     The race of us poor mortals;
+       Thinking you might,
+       By some fair sprite,
+     Escaped from heaven's own portals.
+
+       But as I now
+       Gaze on that brow
+     So fondly and so madly,
+       I am afraid,
+       My lovely maid,
+     My fancy's lowered sadly;
+       For while 'mid bliss
+       So sweet as this
+     My soul's to rapture given,
+       Alas! my mind
+       Is more inclined
+     To earth than 'tis to heaven.
+
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Wiggins, you must not warble that song under the young
+lady's window," said the Professor.
+
+"I do not intend to do so," said Wiggins.
+
+"I am glad of that," said the Professor, "for if you did she would
+imagine that you were some fallen angel on a midnight peregrination. And
+now, Toney, let us hear from you."
+
+Toney sang:
+
+
+     Come to the green grove! where wild vines are clinging
+     Around the tall elms, whose broad boughs are flinging
+     Their shade o'er the roof of the cottage so near
+     To the banks of the streamlet meandering clear.
+
+     There we'll recline 'neath the shade of the willow,
+     Where roses and lilies have wreathed a sweet pillow,
+     And the goldfinch concealed in the green boughs above
+     Is warbling all day to his beautiful love.
+
+     There we will watch the blithe humming-bird roving,
+     And purple-winged butterflies fairy-like moving
+     Among the blue violets that bloom at our feet,
+     And throw all around us their fragrance so sweet.
+
+     There thou shalt sing, love, and then as I hear thee,
+     Drink in thy soft tones, and know that I'm near thee,
+     I'll fancy 'tis Eden around me I see,
+     And thou art an angel to share it with me.
+
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "when the young lady hears that she will
+suppose that the spirit of a troubadour is warbling under her window.
+And now, Mr. Seddon."
+
+Tom sang:
+
+
+     The green wood is ringing with mocking-birds' notes,
+     And melody springing from turtle-doves' throats,
+     And wild flowers growing so beautiful there,
+     Their fragrance are throwing all over the air.
+
+     But see! in yon bower, that wild vines inclose,
+     A lovelier flower than lily or rose;
+     Your beauties have vanished, ye lilies so fair,
+     To her cheeks are banished; go seek for them there!
+
+     Your sweetness, ye roses, which butterflies sip,
+     Hath gone--it reposes upon her soft lip;
+     Thy music, sweet dove, now no more thou'lt prolong!
+     Oh, list to my love now! she's stolen thy song.
+
+
+"Mr. Seddon, the young lady will be persuaded that you are a twin
+brother to the troubadour," said the Professor.
+
+"And now, Charley," said Toney, "we are waiting to hear you warble."
+
+The Professor sang:
+
+
+     Come hasten with me, love,
+       Come hasten away!
+     Come haste to yon lea, love,
+       Where flow'rets so gay
+
+     Their beauties have blended,
+       As richly as though
+     'Twere fragments all splendid
+       Of yonder bright bow,
+
+     By fairy hands riven
+       In moments of mirth,
+     And flung from yon heaven
+       T' embellish the earth.
+
+     Come haste to yon lea, love,
+       Come hasten with me!
+     And then thou shalt see, love,
+       Naught fairer than thee.
+
+
+"How do you expect her to see in the dark?" said Toney.
+
+"Oh, she must have patience and wait until morning," said the Professor.
+
+The serenaders now arose from their seats, and, proceeding across the
+field, soon entered the forest, which was traversed in various
+directions by paths made by the cattle that were accustomed to browse on
+the bushes. The path pursued by the party soon led them to a spot where
+the foliage was dense, and, entirely excluding the starlight, enveloped
+them in gloomy darkness. Tom Seddon now exclaimed,----
+
+"Toney, why did you select this road? Let us go back. This is the very
+spot where a man was found, not long ago, with his throat cut, and three
+bullet-holes through his head."
+
+"Horrible!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"Let us go back!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Numerous robberies and murders have been committed in this forest,"
+said Tom. "In fact, it is infested by a gang of desperadoes. If we go
+on, none of us may ever return to Bella Vista alive."
+
+"Oh! oh!" groaned Pate.
+
+"Let us go back!" exclaimed Wiggins,--"I will not--ugh!"
+
+There was a sudden flash from the bushes, followed by a loud report, and
+poor Tom dropped dead at the feet of M. T. Pate. Before a word could be
+uttered, another shot was fired, and Toney staggered against a tree and
+then fell to the ground with a groan.
+
+"Run!--run!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"Run!--run!--run!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Run!--run!--run!--run!" said the Professor, when there was another
+report, and he exclaimed, falling to the earth, "Oh!--oh!--oh!--I am
+shot!--help!--help!--murder! murder!"
+
+Pate and Wiggins fled through the forest with the murderers shouting and
+firing in their rear. As it happened, they soon became separated, and
+each got into a path which led him away from the other. After running
+with unexampled speed for some time, Pate suddenly found himself on the
+back of some huge horned monster, which rose from the earth with a loud
+roar and galloped off with him. How far he rode on the back of his
+terrible courser he never could tell; but at last the creature leaped
+over the trunk of a fallen tree, and Pate rolled off and sank to the
+earth in a comatose condition, induced by extreme terror.
+
+When he became conscious, he got up and wandered for hours, through the
+forest, lost and bewildered, and in the utmost dread of falling into the
+hands of the desperadoes, who had slain poor Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor. At length the day broke; and as he wandered on he espied some
+one coming towards him who had a most hideous appearance. Pate was about
+to turn and fly, when the man called to him, and he recognized the voice
+of William Wiggins.
+
+Wiggins had fled in headlong haste until he had emerged from the forest,
+and entered an inclosure surrounding a farm-house. Here he was so
+unfortunate as to overturn a bee-hive and was so badly stung by the
+infuriated insects that he rushed blindly around, and got among the
+poultry. Hearing the commotion among his fowls, the farmer came out with
+a club, and vigorously belabored the supposed thief, until the latter
+escaped, and fled back to the forest, with his face shockingly swollen
+by the stings of the bees, and his body terribly bruised by the blows
+from the farmer's cudgel.
+
+When Wiggins had told his doleful story, Pate proceeded to relate how he
+had been carried off on the back of some horned monster, which had
+suddenly risen out of the earth, and must have been the devil. It now
+being broad daylight, they succeeded in finding the way to the town,
+where they told a tale of horror to the landlord at the hotel. But while
+they were describing the bloody murder in the forest, the landlord, with
+a smile, pointed out Toney, Tom, and the Professor standing on the
+opposite side of the street, in the midst of a group of young men, who
+were laughing immoderately at something which was being told. Pate and
+Wiggins were now informed that they had been made the victims of a
+singular custom, which was peculiar to that locality, and was termed,
+"running a greenhorn." Apprehensive of the ridicule which would be
+heaped upon them, they immediately took their departure from the
+beautiful town of Bella Vista.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+
+"The Funny Philosophers have caused the exodus of the Seven
+Sweethearts," said the Professor, as the three friends sat in Toney's
+room in the hotel the morning subsequent to the departure of Pate and
+Wiggins.
+
+"Our sect must flourish," said Toney.
+
+"And Pate's big bald head will not be seen bobbing about in Bella
+Vista," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you should not speak irreverently of bald heads," said the
+Professor. "Remember the forty irreverent young lads and the she-bears,
+and learn that bald-headed people are under the especial protection of
+Providence. I am partially bald myself, and am under the impression that
+this calamity came upon me in consequence of my having once deprived an
+unfortunate individual of his hair."
+
+"Did what?" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"On one occasion I helped to scalp a man," said the Professor, gravely
+and mournfully.
+
+"Helped to scalp a man!" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"I am sorry to say that I did, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor.
+
+"How was it?" asked Toney.
+
+"It is a strange story," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us have it," said Seddon.
+
+"Some years ago," said the Professor, "I was on a steamboat going down
+one of the large rivers in the South-west. The boat stopped at a landing
+and a big fellow came on board. He was a rough, unpolished individual,
+with long hair reaching down to his shoulders. He appeared to be in a
+bad humor with himself and with all mankind; being one of those peculiar
+specimens of humanity who believe that the whole duty of man is to
+fight. As soon as he came on board it was apparent to the passengers
+that he was a bully in quest of a quarrel. But everybody avoided him,
+and for a long while he was unsuccessful in finding what he was seeking
+for. Finally, however, his perseverance was amply rewarded. The bell
+rang for dinner, and there was a rush for the saloon. The bully seated
+himself at the head of the table. At intervals, among the dishes, were a
+number of apple-pies. 'Waiter,' exclaimed the bully, 'bring me that
+pie.' It was placed before him. 'And that one,' said he. The waiter
+obeyed, and the bully reiterated his order until he had every apple-pie
+on the table directly under his nose."
+
+"The glutton!" said Toney.
+
+"Did he eat all the pies?" asked Tom.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, he did not," said the Professor. "Having collected all
+the pies before him, he sternly glanced at the two rows of indignant
+faces along the table. He saw anger in every eye; a frown upon every
+brow; but not a word had been spoken. There was a dead silence, when the
+bully brought down his fist on the table with tremendous force, and
+fiercely shouted, 'I say that any man who don't like good apple-pie is a
+d--d rascal!' This was more than human nature could endure. In an
+instant every man was on his feet. The table was overturned, and hams,
+and turkeys, and roast-pigs rolled on the floor. There was a general
+fight. Pistols exploded, bowie-knives were brandished, and fists
+flourished!"
+
+"All endeavoring to get at the daring monopolizer of the apple-pies, I
+suppose?" said Tom.
+
+"By no means, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor. "There was promiscuous
+fighting. Many who had no opportunity of dealing a blow at the bully,
+fought and pommeled one another. I retreated to a corner."
+
+"But what became of the bully?" asked Toney.
+
+"I was about to tell you. As I stood on the defensive, warding off the
+blows which were occasionally aimed at me, I saw a huge head coming
+towards me like a battering-ram, the body to which it belonged being
+propelled by kicks in the rear. The head was about to come in contact
+with this portion of my anatomy--what do you call it?" said the
+Professor, placing his hand on the part designated.
+
+"The bread-basket," said Toney.
+
+"No, that is not it," said the Professor.
+
+"The abdomen," said Tom.
+
+"That's the scientific term," said the Professor. "In order to protect
+my abdomen from injury, I involuntarily reached out and convulsively
+grasped the head by its long hair. As I did so, a bowie-knife descended
+and shaved off the scalp, leaving it, with its long locks, in my grasp."
+
+"What did you do with your trophy?" asked Toney.
+
+"I rushed from the saloon, yelling like an Indian, with the scalp in my
+hand. It belonged to the bully. He soon came upon deck howling for his
+hair."
+
+"Did you restore it to the owner?" asked Tom.
+
+"No," said the Professor. "To the victor belong the spoils. I escaped
+into the cook's galley, and carefully wrapped the scalp in some loose
+sheets of the Terrific Register, and put it in my pocket, and afterwards
+transferred it to my trunk. It is now in the possession of the learned
+Professor Boneskull, who has been informed by his oracle that it was one
+of the trophies found by the Kentuckians in the possession of the
+celebrated Tecumseh when he was slain in battle."
+
+"But the bully?" said Toney. "I am interested in his fate."
+
+"He was like Samson. The loss of his hair seemed to deprive him of
+strength and courage. His belligerency departed from him. He became
+quiet and orderly, and during the rest of the passage never meddled with
+the apple-pies, but behaved with perfect decorum. He was soon afterwards
+seen on the anxious bench at a camp-meeting, and he is now a bald-headed
+Methodist preacher, remarkable for his piety and mild and dovelike
+disposition."
+
+"The loss of his locks seems to have been of essential service to him,"
+said Seddon.
+
+"I wish, however, that I had given him back his hair," said the
+Professor. "I suffered severely in consequence of depriving him of it."
+
+"In what way?" inquired Tom.
+
+"It was retribution, I suppose," said the Professor. "As soon as I had
+pocketed the fellow's hair I began to lose my own. It fell out by
+handfuls, and in a few months I had a bald patch on the top of my head
+of ample area. It made me melancholy and poetical."
+
+"I must confess that I cannot perceive any necessary connection between
+a bald head and poetry," said Toney.
+
+"Why, Toney, my dear fellow," said the Professor, "you must know that
+when a man gets a bald pate he naturally begins to think of domestic
+bliss and connubial felicity, which are poetical subjects. If he
+meditates long on these subjects, versification will be the inevitable
+result. It was so in my case. As I titillated the top of my bald head
+with my forefinger, I plainly perceived that the time had come for me to
+marry. So, like a bird on Saint Valentine's day, I began to look around
+for a mate."
+
+"You were like Dobbs, seeking for an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs," said Tom.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, I was seeking for a dovelike little woman, and I
+thought I had found one. In my imagination Dora was like a gentle white
+dove. I cooed around her, and courted for weeks, and wrote some verses
+in her album. I remember them well."
+
+"I would like to hear them," said Toney.
+
+"They can be produced from the archives of my memory," said the
+Professor; and he recited the following verses:
+
+
+     When morn had sown her orient gems among the golden flowers
+     That blushed upon their purple stalks in fairy-haunted bowers,
+     Among the glowing throng around, a tender bud I spied,
+     That meekly held its humble place the verdant walk beside.
+
+     No gaudy beauties decked its crest with variegated dyes,
+     Like blinding splendors blazing o'er the summer's evening skies;
+     With simple moss encircled round, it hung its head to earth,
+     And yet in Flora's language it denotes superior worth.
+
+     And--what from poet's eye is hid, by others though unseen?--
+     It was the favorite palace of the lovely Fairy Queen;
+     Adown its tender petals oft her tiny chariot rolled,
+     And she within its fragrant folds her Elfin court did hold.
+
+     'Twas then I thought of one who blooms 'mid beauty's living flowers,
+     Like this sweet bud among its mates within the garden's bowers,
+     With unassuming, modest grace--her charms she never knew--
+     Superior worth her brightest charm. And, lady, is it you?
+
+
+"I read these verses to Dora, and then I asked her the question
+propounded in the last line."
+
+"What did she say?" inquired Tom.
+
+"She said no!"
+
+"Perhaps she was offended by the comparison to so humble a flower," said
+Seddon.
+
+"It may have been so," said the Professor. "I then asked her a question
+in relation to the annexation of our destinies."
+
+"What did she say?" asked Toney.
+
+"She said no! I then asked her again in more unequivocal terms. I told
+her that I was seeking for domestic bliss and connubial felicity, and
+earnestly inquired if she would not assist me in the search."
+
+"What was her reply?" asked Tom.
+
+"She said no! And this time the dovelike Dora laughed in my face."
+
+"After having answered no three times?" said Tom.
+
+"Three negatives do not make an affirmative, Mr. Seddon, especially when
+the final negation to your very serious and sentimental proposal is
+accompanied by laughter. I was mortified and angry, and so I hurried
+home----"
+
+"To do like Perch--procure a pint of laudanum?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Not at all," said the Professor. "Upon arriving at my homestead I ate a
+very hearty dinner; for I was hungry and had a wolfish appetite; after
+which I immediately went into the arms of Morpheus. I did not wake until
+next morning, when, as I stood before a mirror making my toilet, I
+perceived that the bald patch on my head was considerably enlarged. A
+fit of melancholy and poetry came upon me, and resulted in the
+production of some verses, which, with your permission, I will repeat."
+
+"Do so," said Toney.
+
+"By all means!" said Seddon.
+
+"It is a simple little ballad," said the Professor, "in which I
+endeavored to mingle as much pathos as did Goldsmith in his Hermit. Its
+recitation has often drawn tears from very obdurate individuals, and,
+gentlemen, I now notify you to produce your pocket-handkerchiefs."
+
+The Professor then recited the following stanzas:
+
+
+     The gentle spring is breathing
+       Its fragrance all around,
+     Rich with the scent of flow'rets
+       That blossom o'er the ground;
+     As if the glorious rainbow,
+       When thunders rolled on high,
+     Had parted into fragments
+       And fallen from the sky,
+
+     And scattered o'er the meadows,
+       And through the orchards green,
+     Its variegated colors
+       To beautify the scene;
+     The while, on golden winglets,
+       The humming-bird so gay,
+     Moves with a fairy motion,
+       And rifles sweets away:
+
+     So rich his purple plumage,
+       So beautiful his crest,
+     'Tis to the eye of fancy
+       As if some amethyst,
+     Carved into a bright jewel
+       All gloriously to deck,
+     With its surpassing splendors,
+       Some lovely lady's neck,
+
+     Hath felt the life-blood flowing
+       From a mysterious spring,
+     And fled a gaudy truant
+       Upon a golden wing,
+     Filled with a fairy spirit
+       To sport upon the air,
+     With never-tiring pinions
+       Among the flow'rets fair.
+
+     Adown the sloping mountain,
+       Where wave the ceders green,
+     And ever-verdant laurel
+       In blooming clusters seen,
+     Leaps the wild, flashing streamlet
+       With a loud shout of mirth,
+     As though some mine of silver,
+       Deep buried in the earth,
+
+     By hidden fires were melted
+       Within its gloomy caves,
+     And from its dark cell bursting,
+       With its translucent waves,
+     Now sparkles in the sunbeam,
+       Now hid by ivy's shade,
+     Till o'er a steep ledge pouring,
+       It forms a wild cascade,
+
+     Where, dashed into bright fragments,
+       It glitters in the beam,
+     And with its brilliant colors
+       Unto the eye doth seem,
+     That showers of liquid rubies,
+       And molten gems of gold,
+     With sapphire and with amber,
+       In mingling waves are rolled
+
+     O'er these high rocks in torrents
+       Unto the vale below,
+     Then gain a course of smoothness,
+       And gently on do flow
+     'Mid banks of blooming roses
+       And snow-white lilies fair,
+     Where butterflies are floating
+       Upon the balmy air,
+
+     With many-colored winglets,
+       O'er fragrant violets blue,
+     And gayly sip their nectar
+       Mixed with the honey'd dew;
+     To gaze upon their beauties
+       'Twould seem as if some fay,
+     When roving through some garden
+       Upon a sunny day,
+
+     Had waved his wand of magic
+       O'er rose and tulip bright,
+     That filled with life had started
+       Upon a joyous flight,
+     And down the grassy meadows,
+       And 'mid the blooming trees,
+     To visit now their kindred,
+       Are floating on the breeze:
+
+     While from the woodland's thickets
+       At intervals are heard
+     The soft, melodious music
+       Of the sweet mocking-bird;
+     Which from those green recesses
+       Echoes the merry notes,
+     The little feathered songsters
+       Pour from their warbling throats.
+
+     Thus nature ever smiling,
+       Each living creature gay
+     Seems filled with sunny gladness
+       Throughout the cloudless day;
+     While I, a lonely bachelor,
+       Do bear a bleeding heart,
+     Just like a wounded wild goat
+       When stricken by a dart.
+
+     I've seen each tie dissolving
+       Of love and friendship sweet,
+     Like lumps of sugar-candy
+       When held unto the heat:
+     My friends they all proved traitors,--
+       I'm told it's always so,--
+     Fidelity's a stranger
+       In this rude world below.
+
+     They smoked my best havanas
+       And drank my best champagne,
+     And borrowed many a dollar
+       They ne'er returned again:
+     But soon as fortune left me,
+       They all deserted too--
+     They made me half a Timon--
+       The sycophantic crew!
+
+     I turned from man to woman--
+       Sweet woman to admire!
+     But from the pan 'twas leaping
+       Into the blazing fire!
+     I met a lovely maiden,
+       Who looked so very kind,
+     I thought she was an angel,
+       But I was very blind!
+
+     Like a deceitful siren,
+       She led me far astray;
+     I wandered in love's mazes
+       Until I lost my way;
+     But when I knelt to worship,
+       Why, then she laughed outright--
+     I told her I was dying,
+       And Dora said I might.
+
+     At that I grew quite angry,
+       And feeling partly cured,
+     Went home and ate my dinner,
+       And then was quite restored:
+     I ate six apple-dumplings,
+       Then laid me down to sleep,
+     Nor woke until next morning,
+       Then from my couch did creep,
+
+     And gazing in the mirror,
+       The sight my soul appall'd,
+     For I beheld with horror
+       That I was growing bald:
+     Since then I've known no pleasure!
+       Man's treachery I could bear,
+     And the deceits of woman,
+       But not the loss of hair!
+
+
+"Goldsmith never wrote anything like that," said Seddon.
+
+"Nor Tennyson, neither," said Toney.
+
+"Tennyson be hanged!" exclaimed Tom. "I'll match Tickle against him any
+day."
+
+"The composition of this poem fully developed my poetical genius," said
+the Professor. "I discovered that I could be a bard; and so I composed a
+whole book of poems."
+
+"What did you do with it?" asked Toney.
+
+"I published it," said the Professor. "Did you never hear of it?"
+
+"I must candidly admit that I never did," said Toney.
+
+"The critics cut and slashed away at my little book for about a month;
+and then they let it alone. It was not until several years after its
+publication that I heard a word in its praise; and that was under
+peculiar circumstances. I was looking over a lot of second-hand books on
+a stall at the corner of a street, when I discovered my own poems. I
+asked the price. The man said it was a work of rare genius and very
+scarce, but that as a favor I could have it for a dollar. This sounded
+like posthumous praise, and was very flattering. So I bought the book,
+and you can read it at your leisure."
+
+"Now we are on literary subjects," said Seddon, "I must remind Toney of
+his promise to read his biography of Pate."
+
+"Of whom?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Of M. T. Pate, the illustrious founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts," said Seddon. "Toney has written his biography."
+
+"Only one chapter," said Toney. "I can clearly foresee that Pate is
+destined to become a very distinguished man. As he makes materials for
+his biography the work will progress. The first chapter has been
+written."
+
+"Read it," said Tom.
+
+"Read it! read it!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+
+In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a
+trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You
+will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I
+speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of
+explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but
+before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he
+will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that
+the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly
+appropriate."
+
+With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:
+
+"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information
+in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography
+we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in
+the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or
+the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been
+able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal
+place of the immortal M�onides was claimed by seven famous cities of
+ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven
+States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced
+the illustrious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period
+of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise
+a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even
+more hopeless than it is at present.
+
+"It is equally out of our power to designate the particular period when
+this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so
+remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year
+of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to
+prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate
+circumstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he
+was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was
+remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who
+assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to
+asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as
+a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at
+the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized
+with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the
+selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had
+predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should
+have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to
+occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the
+family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in
+which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after
+one of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views led to many
+warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise,
+it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that
+each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated
+herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of
+Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She
+was much struck with the passage, and proposed the name of
+Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a
+serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously
+remarked that the name was so long that nobody would ever give the boy
+the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion
+had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the
+Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that,
+in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he
+had once been a publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever
+thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles,
+after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in
+his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.
+
+"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby
+gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted
+that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to
+describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record
+of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and
+when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by
+his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds
+it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and
+insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have
+enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and
+stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.
+
+"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the
+other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their
+immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose,
+until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding
+eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest
+the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in
+full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her
+splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying
+that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she
+was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed
+that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel of the
+war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each
+intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the
+vale of obscurity,--in the valley of Ajalon,--then surmounting the
+intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen,
+and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in
+full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference
+to its actual magnitude. We once heard an old lawyer, who was _laudator
+temporis acti_, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of
+the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid
+luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant
+five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to
+be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that
+he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had
+attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the
+non-professional multitude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in
+magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.
+
+"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was
+hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon.
+Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which
+has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His
+constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appetite
+which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It
+also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous
+quantities of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that
+he was extremely fond of buttermilk, and would loiter around the dairy
+on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk,
+he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly
+youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet,
+and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny
+exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are
+necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and
+nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George
+Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.
+
+"Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and
+becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking
+for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled
+him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an
+honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase
+his pecuniary resources was exceedingly doubtful, as there was no
+probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by
+descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits,
+as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth.
+With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold;
+and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of
+shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.
+
+"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and
+his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his
+eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street
+following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had
+been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for
+while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his
+hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod
+on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with
+such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause
+the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on
+which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the
+severe trial with fortitude and resignation.
+
+"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received
+gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to
+become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with
+an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar
+edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had
+it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have
+seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a
+commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship
+struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid
+contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he
+thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.
+
+"A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle upon which the
+good-natured old gods of Greece and Rome are said to have gazed with
+more than ordinary interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime
+example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited by M. T. Pate
+in his early days, when he first broke open his little brown jug and
+counted his coppers and quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a
+considerable accumulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration of the
+contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two hundred and sixty-four
+dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents, all in specie. With these
+resources he determined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to
+become a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. The pious old
+lady, who had furnished him with one of his names, now urged him to
+enter upon a course of theological studies, so that she might soon have
+the satisfaction of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to a
+bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to become a bishop it
+would be necessary for him to understand Hebrew as well as Greek; and he
+was apprehensive that before he could master even the rudiments of those
+difficult languages the accumulations of his industry and economy would
+be entirely exhausted. The good old lady promised him pecuniary
+assistance, and thus encouraged he began with the Greek; but his hopes
+were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which deprived the church of
+one of its brightest ornaments, and multitudes of sinners of the counsel
+and consoling advice of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a
+bright morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating the
+letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was in the garden below
+with a negro servant named Alfred, engaged in horticultural pursuits,
+was shocked by hearing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and
+simplicity she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed into
+the house and began to upbraid the astonished student with his base
+ingratitude and treachery. In vain did the unfortunate victim of her
+lamentable ignorance protest his entire innocence. She had the highest
+kind of evidence--that of her own senses--against the plea of not
+guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate it again and again,
+'Alfred, beat her! d--d her! pelt her?' She would listen to no
+explanation, but indignantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her
+anger burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and from
+that time forth she would have nothing to say to him. Thus was the
+unlucky youth thrown once more upon his beam-end, and was compelled to
+abandon all hope of ever becoming a bishop."
+
+Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who exclaimed,--
+
+"Toney, you had better leave that out. Nobody will believe that Pate,
+who was about to commence his theological studies, would sit on the sill
+of the window and swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the
+garden----"
+
+Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the Professor.
+
+"You do not see the point," said Toney.
+
+"What is it?" asked Tom.
+
+"Why," said the Professor, "Pate was repeating the first four Greek
+letters, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and the old woman supposed that he
+was swearing."
+
+"Oh, that's it!" said Tom. "I was dull, indeed!"
+
+"But," said the Professor, "I think that I have heard this anecdote
+before."
+
+"Undoubtedly you have," said Toney. "Pate is a much older man than you.
+He was the unlucky student who met with this sad misfortune. It happened
+when you were in your nurse's arms. You heard the anecdote after you
+grew up, but never learned until now that the student was M. T. Pate.
+But shall I resume my reading?"
+
+"Do so," said the Professor. "I am much interested."
+
+Toney took up the manuscript, and read:
+
+"Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he determined to betake
+himself to the study of law, in which a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor
+of Greek was necessary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he
+entered a law-school, where he continued for some time; the contents of
+the little brown jug miraculously holding out like the oil in the
+widow's cruse, owing to his great economy. It is not to be supposed that
+even this able jurist could without an earnest effort overcome every
+obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On the contrary,
+when he first encountered Coke, he was much discouraged and sometimes
+afflicted with fits of despondency. But plucking up courage, he went
+vigorously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the learning of
+that great and voluminous author which he believed it possible for any
+human intellect ever to comprehend. In performing this Herculean labor
+he scratched a considerable quantity of hair from his head; and
+continuing this singular practice during the whole course of his
+studies, before he had finished the fourth book of Blackstone,
+
+
+                              his scalp's
+     Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps."
+
+
+"In other words, he became a bald Pate," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "you are strangely forgetful of the
+admonition to speak reverently when you refer to a depilous cranium.
+Now, here you are punning with the most unbecoming levity on a nude
+noddle. You had better beware! Although there are no she-bears in this
+vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not escape with
+impunity."
+
+"Peccavi," said Tom.
+
+"Absolution is granted;" said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
+reading."
+
+Toney resumed:
+
+"A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in the profession
+to the fact that he started without property of any sort save only a
+pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. Pate carried no carnal weapons. He
+had neither hair-trigger pistols nor much hair on his head; but he had a
+little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. When he was
+admitted to practice, the contents of the little brown jug had been
+expended; and he started in his profession with a vigorous constitution
+and a small volume of legal lore, entitled 'Every Man his own Lawyer.'
+
+"The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to M. T. Pate for an
+important discovery immediately subsequent to his admission to the bar.
+We are told--
+
+
+     There is a language in each flower
+       That opens to the eye;
+     A voiceless but a magic power
+       Doth in earth's blossoms lie,
+
+
+and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate symbol of his
+delightful occupation 'the dew-sweet eglantine.' The soldier chooses
+
+
+     The deathless laurel as the victor's due.
+
+
+The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping widow the cypress.
+The lover's flower is the myrtle; the player's, the hyacinth; the
+pugilist's, the fennel. But there never was a symbol for the legal
+profession until the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the
+_arbutus unedo_, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of Flora's
+lexicon, he found to be emblematic of perseverance. And as the
+gladiators of ancient Rome were accustomed to mingle large quantities of
+fennel with their food, because it tended to give them strength and
+courage, so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an opportunity
+offered, to devour a great abundance of strawberries; being fully
+persuaded that the fruit imparted a wonderful degree of patience and
+perseverance. In the spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him
+in immense quantities; and at other seasons of the year the preserved
+fruit was never absent from his table."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "pay attention to that. You are a
+young lawyer, and I would advise you to have the example of M. T. Pate
+ever in contemplation."
+
+"I most certainly will," said Seddon.
+
+"Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and cream," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Seddon,--"never!"
+
+"Be assured," said the Professor, with much solemnity, "that a sincere
+devotion to this delicious little berry will finally bring its reward.
+It will enable you to wait with admirable patience for the big case
+which is to come and place you prominently before the public. Toney,
+excuse this interruption. Read on,--I am becoming deeply interested."
+
+Toney proceeded with the reading as follows:
+
+"We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsification of the old
+adage that fools are the recipients of fortune's favors; for this
+illustrious man, at the very outset of his professional career, met with
+no ordinary good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to the
+bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance of the Greek
+alphabet had deprived one profession of an ornament and added it to
+another, left these sublunary scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham's
+bosom. She had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingratitude of
+her former prot�g�. So far from this, she had, on every occasion,
+denounced him, with all the vehemence of virtuous indignation, as the
+black-hearted instigator of a meditated assault on her person. What,
+then, was his astonishment when he found that she had left a will in
+which she had bestowed on him all her worldly possessions. This
+testamentary document had been executed many years anterior to the
+melancholy event which had caused so wide a breach between them. She had
+put it carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it; for had her
+mind once reverted to the circumstance of its existence, nothing short
+of a supermundane interposition could have saved it from the devouring
+flames. She left him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a
+considerable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he should
+be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, at first, to contend
+for the property, on the ground that as he was not a bishop he could not
+claim under the will. But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim _lex
+non cogit ad impossibilia_, and said that although he was not a bishop
+at that particular period, he would endeavor to carry out the intentions
+of the testatrix by becoming one as soon as a favorable opportunity
+should offer. To manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout
+member of the church, and would sometimes read the service when the
+pastor was absent; and this he continued to do even after his secular
+duties had got to be exceedingly onerous; being apprehensive of trouble
+about his title unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus was this
+threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud; and M. T. Pate took peaceable
+possession of his beautiful farm, which he soon found was mortgaged
+nearly to the extent of its actual value in the market.
+
+"Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur applied to the
+flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in his career. Now, let no one
+imagine that we perceive any particular resemblance between this eminent
+jurist and an ass; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent
+admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have employed, for it is
+not only appropriate in its present connection but it is undoubtedly
+classical. The mighty Ajax was compared by Homer to an ass; but it was
+only to show what sturdy qualities he possessed, and what an immense
+amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. With intentions equally as
+innocent, we have likened the eminent M. T. Pate to an ass, merely to
+show how stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how he was
+impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of necessity. Had his beautiful
+farm been unincumbered, he might have remained in obscurity, up to his
+knees in clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the luxuriant
+pastures of prosperity. But with the burden of a heavy mortgage on his
+back, and the rowels of pecuniary difficulties goring his flanks, he got
+briskly into motion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or
+otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the glorious
+goal at which so many are aiming, but which so few will ever attain."
+
+"What glorious goal has Pate reached?" asked the Professor.
+
+"You forget the observations with which I prefaced the reading of the
+manuscript," said Toney. "This is only the first chapter of what is
+intended to be a very voluminous work. It is true that M. T. Pate has
+not yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have written the
+concluding portion of his biography I am confident that you will behold
+him on the very pinnacle of the temple of fame."
+
+"Toney is a prophet," said Tom. "He truly predicted what has since
+happened to the two young ladies and their lovers who have gone to the
+Mexican war."
+
+"Poor Claribel!" said Toney. "I sincerely wish that my vaticinations
+had not been verified."
+
+"Pooh! pooh!" said the Professor. "Their lovers have taken wing and
+flown away, but they will come back little turtle-doves in the spring,
+and then, after a little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty
+pairs building their nests. And besides, although love is a disease
+which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom fatal in its
+results."
+
+"Is it not?" said Tom.
+
+"Why, no," said the Professor. "Dora jilted me, and am I dead? Ecce
+homo! fat and flourishing, and the founder of the sect of Funny
+Philosophers."
+
+"I would really like to know the condition of Claribel's health," said
+Toney.
+
+"It had much improved when I called and made inquiry this morning," said
+Tom. "But I thought that I was about to witness war and bloodshed in the
+house."
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors," said Tom. "They
+were quarreling in the hall when I entered, and left the house shaking
+their fists in each other's faces."
+
+"What about?" inquired Toney.
+
+"I was unable to ascertain," said Tom.
+
+"Well, never mind," said the Professor. "Who shall decide when doctors
+disagree? Toney, let us hear the concluding portion of your manuscript.
+But, by Jove! what's that?"
+
+A loud noise was heard in the street; men shouting and boys hurrahing.
+Tom Seddon snatched up his hat, and, followed by Toney and the
+Professor, ran from the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+
+"Hurrah for Bull!" shouted a boy, as Tom reached the pavement in front
+of the hotel.
+
+"Bully for Bear! Pitch in! Hit him again! He called you another liar!"
+yelled a ragged urchin on the opposite side of the street.
+
+"Who are those belligerent gentlemen?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The very two doctors I saw shaking their fists in each other's faces at
+Colonel Hazlewood's door," said Tom Seddon. "I thought there would soon
+be active hostilities between them."
+
+"Good for Bull!" cried an urchin.
+
+"Wade in, Bear!" shouted another.
+
+"I bet on Bull!" said a third.
+
+"Bear's the man for my money!" yelled a fourth.
+
+"Which is Bull?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The red-faced man with spectacles on his nose, who is standing up in
+the buggy without a top, and is menacing his antagonist with the butt
+end of his whip," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"And Bear is the short fat man on horseback, brandishing his cane?" said
+Toney.
+
+"The same," said Seddon.
+
+"Right cut against cavalry!" shouted a soldier on the pavement, as Bull
+aimed a blow at Bear with his whip.
+
+"By jabers! that's the prod!" cried an Irishman, as Bear thrust the end
+of his cane in his adversary's face.
+
+The horse attached to the buggy now moved on a few paces and halted.
+Bear sat still on his horse, fiercely gazing at his antagonist.
+
+"At him again!" cried a boy.
+
+"Don't be afraid! Show the blood of your mother!" yelled a second
+urchin.
+
+"Charge, Chester, charge!" shouted a third.
+
+Bear furiously spurred his horse and rushed up to the buggy. A blow
+from Bull's whip knocked off his hat, and his bald head shone in the
+sun. At the same time a thrust from Bear's cane deprived Bull of his
+spectacles.
+
+"Hurrah for Bear! He has knocked out Bull's eyes!" shouted a boy.
+
+Bull seized Bear's cane and pulled it from his hands. Bear reached out
+and grasped Bull by the top of his head. Bull's wig came off.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah! he has scalped him!" shouted a boy.
+
+Bull was infuriated. He grappled Bear by a tuft of hair that grew on the
+side of his head. Bear's horse started back and the rider fell over his
+neck into the buggy. Then both belligerents commenced furiously fighting
+with their fists.
+
+"I command the peace! I command the peace!" cried a portly gentleman on
+the pavement.
+
+"They are at close quarters," said a soldier. "It is too late to command
+the peace."
+
+The belligerents in the buggy were furiously dealing blows and loudly
+uttering profanity, and the horse was frightened and ran off with the
+vehicle. Tom Seddon leaped on Bear's horse and galloped off in pursuit.
+On the main road leading from the town was a company of cavalry
+returning from a parade. The troopers opened to the right and left, and
+the two doctors passed through, furiously pommeling each other in the
+buggy.
+
+"By fours, right about wheel!" shouted the captain. "Trot! Gallop!
+Charge!" and away went the cavalry, clattering down the road in pursuit
+of the belligerent doctors! Tom Seddon brought up the rear.
+
+On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing blows at his
+antagonist, and shouting and swearing in utter unconsciousness of the
+surroundings! On rode the gallant captain at the head of his company! On
+galloped Tom Seddon in the rear! Over a hill and down a descent they
+rushed at a terrific rate! On the top of the next hill stood a
+toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse running at full speed with a
+vehicle, closed the gate and stopped his career. "Halt!" shouted the
+captain. "Halt! halt!" cried the lieutenants. And the troopers halted
+and sat on their panting horses, surrounding the buggy.
+
+"Draw sabers!" shouted the captain. And every saber leaped from its
+scabbard.
+
+"Surrender!" said the captain, riding up to the buggy. "In the name of
+the State I demand your surrender!" But Bull and Bear heard not, and
+heeded not. Each had grappled his antagonist by the throat, and was
+fiercely fighting.
+
+"Sergeant, dismount two sections and secure the prisoners," said the
+captain.
+
+Eight stalwart troopers, headed by a sergeant, leaped from their horses,
+and, rushing to the buggy, seized Bull and Bear by the legs and pulled
+them apart.
+
+"Tie their hands behind their backs," said the captain, "or they will go
+at it again."
+
+The prisoners were securely bound with cords, and each mounted behind a
+trooper, and were thus conducted back to the town.
+
+"I commit you both to jail for an outrageous breach of the peace," said
+the magistrate, who still stood on the pavement. "Here, constable, is
+the commitment. Take them both to jail. Put them in separate cells, and
+don't let them get at one another again."
+
+"Good heavens!" said Colonel Hazelwood, as he saw the two physicians led
+away in the custody of the constable, "what am I to do? I have a sick
+person in my house, and the only two doctors in the town have been sent
+to jail for fighting in the street."
+
+"What did they quarrel about?" asked Toney.
+
+"Why," said the colonel, "the young lady was nervous, and could not
+sleep; and Bull wanted to give her a decoction of hops, while Bear was
+of opinion that she should drink a cup of catnip-tea."
+
+"Colonel," said the Professor, "allow me to give you some advice."
+
+"What is that?" inquired the colonel.
+
+"Never admit two doctors into your house, unless you desire to be the
+spectator of a pugilistic combat."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+
+"That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you so gallantly
+participated, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, when the three friends
+had returned to Toney's room. "In promptness and impetuosity it will
+compare with Colonel May's famous charge at the battle of Resaca de la
+Palma."
+
+"It was decisive," said Seddon. "Put an end to hostilities."
+
+"And now, Toney, do not let these two doctors be instrumental in
+bringing the life of M. T. Pate to an abrupt termination," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Two doctors are enough to bring any man's life to a termination," said
+Seddon. "If the walls of the jail were not solid and strong, it would be
+a very heavy premium which would induce me to insure the lives of their
+patients in Colonel Hazlewood's house."
+
+"It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to joke on such a
+sad and serious subject," said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
+reading of the biography of M. T. Pate."
+
+Toney took up the manuscript and read as follows:
+
+"The mighty oak, whose massive timbers entered into the construction of
+the magnificent steamship, was once an insignificant acorn, and the
+illustrious man whose wisdom and eloquence are the admiration of the
+multitude was once a humble attorney practicing in the petty court of a
+justice of the peace. A few miles from his residence was a village where
+Justice Johnson held his court on every second and fourth Saturday in
+each month. He had civil jurisdiction in actions of debt where the
+amount involved did not exceed the sum of fifty dollars; to which were
+superadded powers of adjudication in certain criminal causes, where the
+slave population were accused of sundry peccadilloes, such as nocturnal
+aggressions on the hen-roosts of the farmers in the neighborhood. From
+the decisions of the justice in civil suits there was an appeal to the
+county court.
+
+"In the court of the learned and dignified Justice Johnson M. T. Pate
+commenced his professional career; and here he continued to practice for
+a number of years before he ventured upon a more extended field of
+action. The fees were small, but with many cases and much economy his
+accumulations might be considerable. And, besides, like many men of
+merit, he was diffident of his abilities, and dreaded to meet a trained
+adversary in the field of forensic controversy. He hoped that this
+diffidence would wear off by degrees, and that he would not be like
+Counselor Lamb, who said that the older he grew, the more sheepish he
+became----"
+
+"Stop, Toney, stop!" said the Professor. "Do you think that a pun is
+allowable in the biography of a great man, which should be almost as
+grave and dignified in its style as the history of a great nation?"
+
+"It is not a pun," said Toney. "It is the serious remark of a very
+learned lawyer. Lamb is a meek old lawyer in Mapleton, remarkable for
+his modesty. For many years he contented himself with a lucrative
+chamber practice, and never attempted to address a court or jury. But on
+one occasion a favorite negro servant of the lawyer was indicted for
+cutting off a bull's tail. Lamb undertook to defend him before a jury.
+He arose with much trepidation; his voice faltered; he could not
+articulate a word. A profuse perspiration bathed his brow, and he took
+out his handkerchief and wiped his face. There was some ugly unguent on
+the handkerchief, and it left a black spot on his brow.
+
+"'Look at old Lamb's face,' said a young attorney, in a loud whisper.
+
+"'It is--lam'black!' said another.
+
+"The twelve jurors in the box grinned. Lamb shook from head to foot. He
+grew desperate, and, in a loud voice, exclaimed, 'Gentlemen of the jury,
+the prisoner is indicted for cutting off a bull's tail. What--what----'
+There was an awkward pause.
+
+"'He was going to ask what should be done with the bull,' whispered a
+young limb of the law.
+
+"'Sell him at wholesale--you can't retail him,' said another attorney,
+in a whisper so loud as to be distinctly audible.
+
+"The jury were convulsed with laughter, which so increased the agitation
+of the advocate that he shook like an aspen, and finally dropped into
+his seat and covered his face with his handkerchief. The judge rapped
+with his gavel, and repressing the merriment which pervaded the
+court-room, told the counselor to proceed with his argument. But he
+could not utter another word. Some days afterwards as Lamb sat in his
+office, lamenting his infirmity to a friend, he said that the older he
+grew, the more sheepish he became."
+
+"Your explanation is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor,
+gravely. "Resume the reading of Pate's biography."
+
+Toney read on:
+
+"But even in this quiet little court he had an adversary who was a thorn
+in his side, often causing him great affliction, and sometimes intense
+agony. This adversary was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most
+singular physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and supposed
+to be crazy on all subjects except those appertaining to the law. On
+legal questions he exhibited great astuteness, and, having renounced the
+jack-plane and procured an odd volume of Burn's Justice, he had been
+practicing for some years before Justice Johnson, when M. T. Pate made
+his d�but. The carpenter considered himself the monarch of that bar, and
+when his youthful antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them
+was watched with nearly as much interest in the little village as was
+the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on a more celebrated forum. Many
+predicted that Piddler had now met with his match, and might even have
+to succumb; but their vaticinations were not verified in every instance.
+Extraordinary as it may seem, the carpenter usually came off victorious,
+and the learned attorney frequently left the court and went home deeply
+dejected by the humiliation of defeat.
+
+"In that neighborhood many people still talk about those celebrated
+trials, where Justice Johnson presided and Piddler and Pate contended
+for victory. Most of these accounts are legendary, and no more reliable
+than are those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent orator
+of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have ascertained to be strictly
+authentic. A stout African, a slave named Sam, and an incorrigible
+sinner, had been brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of
+having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in that vicinity.
+Pate was for the defense and Piddler for the prosecution. The widow's
+son, a lad of twelve years, who was the principal witness, testified
+that he had set the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more
+than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition to the patient
+fowl to 'spread' herself, he left her, and, climbing a cherry-tree, was
+eating the fruit, when he saw Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs.
+The testimony was conclusive of the prisoner's guilt, and his counsel
+had to assail the character of the witness. But he was ably vindicated
+by Piddler, and the unfortunate Sam was convicted of petty larceny.
+Justice Johnson, being a humane man, in passing sentence, said, with
+tears in his eyes, 'Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal
+punishment to be indicted on any one, but my solemn duty must be
+performed. The sentence of the court is, that you be taken hence to the
+horse-rack, and have twelve lashes laid on your bare back, and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!'
+
+"Sam was taken to the place of execution, and having undergone his
+punishment with heroic fortitude, was about to be released by the
+constable, when his counsel appeared in court and moved for a new trial.
+The court ordered the officer to keep a sharp lookout on Sam, and sent
+for Piddler, who was celebrating his victory in a neighboring bar-room.
+Pate argued his motion with much ability, and demonstrated that the hen
+was worth so much, and that when the twenty eggs were hatched each
+chicken would be worth so much, and that the aggregate would amount to a
+sum sufficient to constitute the offense of grand larceny, over which
+the court had no jurisdiction. Piddler was fuddled, and failing to
+perceive any other weak point in his adversary's argument, contented
+himself with saying that he did not think that his learned brother had
+any right to count his chickens before they were hatched. Justice
+Johnson very properly rebuked him for his levity; and firmly expressing
+his determination to maintain the dignity of the court, finally granted
+a new trial. So the case was again tried and with the same result. Sam
+was convicted and sentenced to receive another installment of twelve
+lashes on his bare back. Piddler always boasted of his success in this
+prosecution, and said that if he was defeated on the motion for a new
+trial, nevertheless he had got the curly-headed rascal twenty-four
+lashes on his bare back instead of twelve. On the other hand, Mr. Pate,
+after he had acquired more experience in his profession, candidly
+acknowledged that the motion for a new trial was an error on his part,
+as it could do his client no good under the circumstances, and actually
+did him a deal of harm. But he said he was then young, and allowed
+himself to be carried away by too eager a desire for the glory of a
+victory over his vaunting antagonist.
+
+"So frequently defeated before Justice Johnson, Mr. Pate had many
+appeals to the county court. These were usually tried by other attorneys
+whom he employed before the cases were called. But he was regular in his
+attendance, and each morning, during the terms, might be seen mounted on
+his favorite nag, Old Whitey, and traveling towards the metropolis of
+the county. Although there were many stables in the town where hay and
+oats could be had for hungry horses, he always fastened his steed to a
+tree, where the animal remained from nine o'clock in the morning until
+late in the afternoon, with nothing to satisfy his natural craving for
+food. Thus did the lawyer not only save the expense of provender, but
+also of whip and spur, for Whitey was always in a hurry to get home and
+enjoy the luxury of the abundant pastures on the farm. The tree which
+was thus used as a stable withered and died many years ago, having been
+entirely stripped of its bark by the teeth of the hungry horse. Being an
+object of great curiosity, it was cut down and manufactured into canes,
+which were in great demand and sold at extravagant prices. One of these
+walking-sticks was purchased by a gentleman from Louisiana, who carried
+it home and presented it to General Taylor; at the same time giving him
+a history of the lawyer and his horse. The old hero, who admired
+simplicity of character, was much struck with the story, and named his
+favorite war-horse Old Whitey. And thus did it happen that the gallant
+charger which carried Old Rough and Ready through the glorious battle of
+Buena Vista, had the honor of being named after the horse which had so
+often carried this distinguished lawyer with all his learning to court."
+
+"Is that all?" said the Professor, as Toney laid aside the manuscript.
+
+"That ends the chapter," said Toney. "And it was more than enough for
+Tom Seddon, for he has been asleep for the last fifteen minutes."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "has probably glided into a condition
+of trance, and now has before him a beautiful vision of a bowl of
+strawberries and cream. It would not be in accordance with the
+principles of genuine philanthropy to awaken him to the unsavory
+realities of ordinary existence. Shall we leave him to wander in the
+land of Nod, and take a walk through the town?"
+
+"Agreed," said Toney. And, putting on their hats, they left Tom Seddon
+snoring on Toney's bed, and proceeded on a promenade.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+
+"That man on the other side of the street looks like one of the
+belligerent doctors," said the Professor, as he and Toney stood on the
+pavement in front of the hotel.
+
+"It is Doctor Bull, minus his spectacles, and with the addition of a
+very black eye," said Toney.
+
+"His vision seems not to be very clear! There! he has stumbled over a
+dog, and is indignantly bestowing on the unlucky cur a couple of kicks,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"Bull is very near-sighted," said Toney. "He will get along badly
+without the aid of his spectacles."
+
+"I wonder how he got out of jail?" said the Professor.
+
+"Colonel Hazlewood bailed him out," said the landlord. "The colonel
+needs his services in attendance on his niece, Miss Carrington, who is
+still in a critical condition."
+
+"Did the colonel also bail out the other physician?" asked the
+Professor.
+
+"No, indeed!" said the landlord. "The colonel said he was afraid to let
+the other fellow out while the young lady was ill. The two doctors might
+get to fighting again, and their patient might die while they were
+settling their difficulties."
+
+"I perceive that the colonel is an apt scholar in the school of
+experience," said the Professor. "It is not advisable to allow more than
+one doctor to run at large at a time in a small town like this."
+
+"I am glad that Bull is out," said the landlord.
+
+"Why so?" asked Toney.
+
+"He has a patient in my house. The gentleman is quite sick. He is in the
+room next to the one occupied by you, Mr. Belton. I hope you have not
+been disturbed."
+
+"Not at all," said Toney. "He has been very quiet. I was not aware that
+there was a sick person in the apartment. Come, Charley, let us walk to
+the post-office."
+
+A letter was handed to Toney at the post-office, which he read, and then
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Well, Charley, my holiday is over. I must go back to Mapleton by the
+next train."
+
+"Indeed!" said the Professor. "What urgent business renders your
+presence necessary in Mapleton?"
+
+"The great case of Simon Rump _vs._ the Salt-Water Canal Company is to
+be argued next week. I am counsel for the company, and my distinguished
+friend M. T. Pate is Rump's attorney. It is a claim for damages. The
+company are about to construct a portion of their canal through Rump's
+real estate, and a jury are to assemble on the ground and assess the
+damages which should be paid to Simon Rump."
+
+"Who is Simon Rump?"
+
+"You have heard Tom Seddon and myself speak of Simon Dobbs?"
+
+"The unfortunate individual who was baffled by the Mystic Order of
+Sweethearts in his efforts to obtain an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs?"
+
+"The same," said Toney. "Well, Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump."
+
+"Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump? I don't comprehend."
+
+"It is so. Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump, and in his domicile dwell an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs."
+
+"I am glad that the poor fellow has at last obtained the companionship
+of angelic beings after so much tribulation. But how did it happen that
+his name was changed? Had the angel changed her name, when she came to
+dwell with Dobbs, it would have been more in accordance with established
+usage."
+
+"The angel would not consent to change her name. I might as well tell
+the story at once, for I see that your curiosity is aroused."
+
+"Indeed it is," said the Professor. "I am as curious as a maiden lady
+who has accompanied this terrestrial orb in fifty annual revolutions
+around the center of the solar system. How did Dobbs become Rump?"
+
+"After the poor fellow met with so serious a mishap, when he wanted to
+purchase a wife and a couple of children, he lived in melancholy
+seclusion during several years. He has a fine farm in the neighborhood
+of Mapleton. On the east side of his farm, and nearer to the town, is
+the estate of the Widow Wild, and on the west was the land of Farmer
+Rump who was also named Simon. Rump had fine possessions, and a buxom
+wife, and seven children, and was prosperous and contented. But he was
+taken sick, and a doctor being sent for, in about a week Simon Dobbs
+followed the hearse of his friend and neighbor Simon Rump to the
+cemetery. The widow wept and the seven children were in deep affliction.
+Dobbs had a soft heart, and went frequently to the house to console the
+widow and orphans. The widow was buxom and blooming and the children
+were chubby. An idea entered the head of Dobbs. Here were an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs. Could he not persuade them to come and dwell
+in his domicile? In the solitude of his home he again had visions of
+future felicity. In due time he presented the question of annexation for
+the consideration of the widow. It was decided in the negative. She said
+that she had been the wife of Simon Rump, and when she planted a rose on
+the grave of that good man she had solemnly vowed that she would never
+be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. Dobbs went home and had a fit of
+the blues. He thought of his first love and of his subsequent
+misfortunes. He thought of Susan and the Seven Sweethearts. He thought
+of the dreadful beating he had received when he wanted to buy a wife and
+a couple of children. He thought of the refusal of the Widow Rump, and
+he was in despair. His home would never be the abode of an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs."
+
+"Poor fellow!" said the Professor. "His was, indeed, a sad fate! Excuse
+me, Toney, if I apply my handkerchief. A tear will ooze from the corner
+of my eye."
+
+"There is no need for your handkerchief. Dobbs's prospects now began to
+brighten. Fortune smiled on him at last."
+
+"The cruel jade!" said the Professor. "She sometimes becomes ashamed of
+her barbarity and makes amends. I trust it was so in the case of poor
+Dobbs."
+
+"It was," said Toney. "A few days after the rejection of his suit by the
+widow, a splendid opportunity, which presented itself, for an amazing
+display of his gallantry, enabled him to win her heart. On a bright
+morning in July there was an unusually large congregation assembled in
+groups in front of the village church, which stands in a grove of fine
+old trees, affording a delightful shade. While the people were thus
+awaiting the arrival of their pastor, the widow rode up, accompanied by
+her eldest son, a boy of twelve years of age. The lad dismounted and led
+the widow's steed to a big chestnut stump, then used as a horseblock.
+She attempted to dismount, but just at that moment the horse suddenly
+started to one side, and she was caught on the pommel, and there hung
+suspended, like Mohammed's coffin, between heaven and earth. The gawky
+boy exclaimed, 'Great golly!' and stood holding the horse. The ladies
+shrieked and put down their veils, and the gentlemen, instead of going
+to the rescue, turned away as if seized with a sudden panic. In this
+emergency the remarkable presence of mind of Simon Dobbs was wonderfully
+demonstrated. Hearing the cries of the distressed lady, he coolly put
+his hand in his pocket and drew forth a large knife, which he was
+accustomed to use in his orchard for pruning purposes; then turning his
+back and opening the blade, he advanced backward until his shoulders
+almost touched her as she hung in a state of awful suspense; when with a
+skillful movement of the knife he cut off the end of the dress which
+clung to the pommel, and the lady fell unharmed to the ground. A shout
+of applause rewarded this noble achievement; and from that day the heart
+of the buxom widow was the property of Simon Dobbs."
+
+"So it should have been," said the Professor. "In books of chivalry and
+romance a valorous knight, who rescues a fair one in distress, is always
+rewarded by the possession of that important organ."
+
+"The pastor did not come," said Toney. "The reverend gentleman was sick;
+but the congregation found an efficient substitute in M. T. Pate, who
+mounted the pulpit and read the usual prayers, and then selected the
+ninth chapter of Genesis. When in his loud and solemn tones Pate read
+the twenty-third verse, every eye in the congregation was directed first
+towards the widow and then towards Simon Dobbs. The widow went home and
+read the chapter over and was deeply impressed. She was convinced that
+Simon Dobbs was a good man, and could be compared to the favorite sons
+of the patriarch. She knew that he would make a devoted husband. When
+Dobbs called on the following day to inquire after her health, she
+blushed until her face was as ruddy as the morning, and Dobbs saw in her
+blushes the beams of an Aurora which was the harbinger of his
+happiness."
+
+"Too poetical, Toney," said the Professor. "But proceed. What did Dobbs
+do?"
+
+"He drew his chair close up to the widow; and this time as he approached
+her he did not turn his back."
+
+"Well, what did he do?"
+
+"He took hold of her hand."
+
+"Well."
+
+"He squeezed it."
+
+"Good!"
+
+"He advanced his mouth in close proximity to her lips."
+
+"Excellent!"
+
+"He kissed her."
+
+"And then?"
+
+"One of the little cherubs ran into the room, and bawling out, 'You stop
+biting my mamma!' struck Dobbs with a stick."
+
+"Horrible!"
+
+"Dobbs saw a servant-maid's grinning face at the door. He snatched up
+his hat and rushed from the house. The widow seized the little cherub,
+and laid him over her lap and spanked him."
+
+"What became of Dobbs?"
+
+"He returned next evening. The cherubs were all put to bed. He again
+presented the question of annexation for the consideration of the widow.
+This time it was debated on both sides. The widow told him that she had
+solemnly vowed never to be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. She could
+not break her vow. Dobbs then proposed to change his name to Rump. This
+proposition was satisfactory. M. T. Pate filed a bill in chancery for
+Dobbs, and a decree was passed changing his name to Rump; and Simon
+Dobbs is now Simon Rump; and an angel dwells with him, and seven sweet
+little cherubs run about his domicile with their bare feet."
+
+"Cherubs are always barefooted," said the Professor. "They are painted
+so on canvas. It couldn't be otherwise."
+
+"Why not?" said Toney.
+
+"Because no shoemaker ever entered the kingdom of heaven."
+
+"I cannot see why the disciples of St. Crispin should be excluded," said
+Toney.
+
+"They never tell the truth, and liars--you know the text. Did you ever
+see the picture of an angel with a pair of shoes on his feet?"
+
+"Never!"
+
+"They have no shoemakers among them," said the Professor.
+
+They had now reached the hotel, and, after Toney had directed Hannibal
+and C�sar to come for his trunks, were approaching his room, when they
+heard a loud noise, and Tom Seddon's voice furiously shouting "Villain!"
+This was followed by the sound of some heavy body falling on the floor.
+Toney and the Professor rushed into the room. In the middle of the floor
+stood Tom Seddon with his clothes covered with blood. A crimson stream
+spouted from his person and sprinkled the floor. In a corner of the room
+lay Dr. Bull, having just been knocked down by a blow from Seddon's
+fist. On the bed was a basin turned upside down. With the ferocity of a
+tiger Tom was about to spring at Bull again when Toney caught him and
+held him back.
+
+"Let me at him!" shouted Tom, savagely. "He has had my blood and I want
+his!"
+
+"Are you not Jones?" groaned Bull, in the corner.
+
+"Jones! who is Jones? You bloody old villain!" cried Tom.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Bull, "I fear I have made a mistake! I have bled
+the wrong man!"
+
+Toney roared with laughter, and the Professor fell on the bed and
+emitted violent explosions of mirth.
+
+Bull, who had been deprived of his spectacles in his desperate encounter
+with Bear, was nearly blind, and going into the wrong room had
+approached the bed. Tom was snoring. Bull felt his pulse. "Symptoms of
+apoplexy!" exclaimed Bull. "A decided change for the worse! He must be
+immediately depleted or the attack may be fatal!" Bull got a basin,
+rolled up Tom's sleeve, took out a lancet and sprung it. The blood
+spirted, and Tom jumped up and knocked Bull down.
+
+All this was explained after Tom's arm had been bound up by the
+Professor; Bull being too much disabled by the blow and his fall to
+render any assistance.
+
+"The doctor has amply apologized," said Toney.
+
+"By Jove! does such an outrage admit of an apology?" said Tom, looking
+at Bull with savage ferocity.
+
+"My dear sir, it was a mistake! I thought it was Jones!" said the
+doctor, making for the door.
+
+"Good-by, doctor!" said Toney. "You have let the bad blood out of him,
+and he will soon be in a better disposition."
+
+Bull hastily departed with both eyes in a damaged condition.
+
+"He has had my blood and I would like to have his," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you should cultivate a more benign disposition," said the
+Professor. "Bull practiced phlebotomy on you with the best intentions."
+
+"And now, Tom, I must leave you," said Toney, as C�sar and Hannibal
+entered the room to carry his trunks to the railway.
+
+"Are you going?" said Tom.
+
+"Must go," said Toney. "I have to prepare for the great case of Simon
+Rump vs. The Salt-Water Canal Company. I leave Charley with you, who
+will attend to your wound, and when it has healed you and he come to
+Mapleton and hear the argument of my distinguished adversary M. T.
+Pate."
+
+Both promised to do so; and shaking hands with his two friends, Toney
+went out and closed the door, but immediately opened it again and
+said,--
+
+"Tom, when you take another siesta, remember to bolt the door and keep
+Bull out. Good-by!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+
+"Simon, my love," said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her affectionate spouse
+a cup of coffee at breakfast, "what lawyer have you got to speak to the
+jury in our great case against the Canal Company?"
+
+"Why, my angel," said Simon, "I have got Mr. Pate, the great lawyer in
+Mapleton."
+
+"Is Mr. Pate the bald-headed man who sometimes reads the prayers in
+church?" asked the angel.
+
+"He is the man," said Simon.
+
+"He must be a very good man," said the mother of the seven sweet little
+cherubs.
+
+"He is," said the lord of the mansion; "and he is also a very learned
+man. He has more than a dozen books in his office as big as the Bible,
+and he reads in them every day."
+
+"Oh, my!" said Simon's angel. "No wonder he is bald! Reads all those big
+books! What a heap he must know!"
+
+"Indeed, he does," said Simon. "And he has promised to make a great
+speech against the Canal Company, and get us a power of damages."
+
+"How much?" inquired the angel.
+
+"Thirty thousand dollars--not a cent less."
+
+"Gracious goodness! thirty thousand dollars! We will be as rich as the
+Widow Wild almost! Indeed, my love, you must buy a nice new carriage. I
+don't like to ride to church on horseback and see the Widow Wild coming
+in her carriage."
+
+"And I want a hobby-horse," said one of the male cherubs.
+
+"And I want a nice new doll," said a female cherub.
+
+"Hush, you noisy brats!" said the angel. And she slapped the male cherub
+on the side of the face, and in the operation overturned her cup, and
+spilt the hot coffee on the female cherub's head. The two cherubs tried
+the strength of their lungs; and Simon Rump arose from the table, and,
+putting on his hat, opened the door to go forth and talk with his lawyer
+about the big case.
+
+The angel followed Simon to the porch and said,--
+
+"Thirty thousand dollars! Oh, my! But how much are you to pay Mr. Pate?"
+
+"One-tenth," said Simon.
+
+"How much is that?" asked the mother of the cherubs.
+
+"Three thousand dollars," said Simon.
+
+"Three thousand dollars! Gracious! That is a heap of money to pay a
+lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour."
+
+"But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It would take me ten
+years to read all those books; and then I would not understand what is
+in them," said Simon, scratching his head.
+
+"Three thousand dollars! How much will we have left?"
+
+"Twenty-seven thousand dollars," said Simon.
+
+"Twenty-seven thousand dollars! That is a heap of money! I must have a
+brand-new carriage with eagles painted on its sides. I don't like to
+ride to church on horseback."
+
+"Before we were married I used to like to see you coming to church on
+horseback," said Simon.
+
+The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss on Simon, who went
+from his gate merrily whistling, as any man might who had an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon
+to get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corporation.
+
+Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to Mapleton in
+preparation for the proper presentation of his case to the jury. His
+distinguished adversary had composed a great speech to be delivered on
+the occasion. Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and
+prejudices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the thirty
+thousand dollars which he had confidently promised to his client Simon
+Rump.
+
+On the morning of the day on which the jury were to assemble on the
+ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor arrived in the cars from Bella
+Vista. The jury were conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of
+the sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dismounting, tied
+his steed to a tree, which the animal immediately commenced divesting of
+its bark.
+
+The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, and having
+carefully examined that portion of it through which the canal was to be
+constructed, seated themselves on two benches, which had been prepared
+for their accommodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. Simon
+Rump's counsel was then informed that the jury were ready to hear his
+argument.
+
+"Pate is going to make a great speech," said Tom Seddon, as Pate drew
+from his pocket a number of papers and laid them on a stump which he
+used as a table. "With that black coat and white cravat he looks very
+much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pilgrim's Progress."
+
+"John Banyan was an eloquent man," said the Professor. "And from the
+very profound and extremely solemn look of the advocate now preparing to
+address the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest order.
+Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, for or some burst of pathos
+may find you wholly unprepared for the flood of tears which you will be
+compelled to shed over the wrongs of Simon Rump."
+
+"Hush!" said Tom Seddon, "Pate is wiping the top of his big bald head
+with his handkerchief. He is about to begin."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "must I continually admonish you to
+speak reverently of bald heads? Remember the she-bears!"
+
+"Hush!" said Tom,--"listen!"
+
+M. T. Pate spoke as follows:
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury,--No more important case than this ever came
+before a jury either of ancient or modern times. An outrage unparalleled
+in the whole history of Christian jurisprudence is about to be
+perpetrated upon my law-abiding, inoffensive, and patriotic client,
+Simon Rump. And by whom? By a powerful, an overgrown, a gigantic
+corporation! And, gentlemen, what is a corporation? It is defined by the
+great Judge Marshall to be 'an artificial being, invisible, intangible,
+and existing only in contemplation of law.' In addition to this, I
+assert, that these corporations have neither souls to be saved nor
+bodies to be damned. Gentlemen, we read of no such thing in the Bible as
+a corporation. I have carefully searched the five books of Moses, from
+Genesis to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that God's chosen patriarchs,
+Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever chartered a single corporation.
+Neither do we find that such monopolies were ever tolerated by David or
+Solomon, or any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge my
+learned brother on the other side to produce from the whole of the New
+Testament one single text in favor of corporations. Have I not, then, a
+right to assert that these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by
+the Christian religion, but are of heathen invention?
+
+"Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is the plaintiff in
+this cause? Is there an individual now within the sound of my voice who
+has not known and loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood?
+Simon now lives upon the very spot where he was born, and where the
+bones of his ancestors are buried. Few men can boast of so glorious a
+lineage. His forefathers fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and
+the British; and had Simon lived in those days, he would have fought as
+valiantly as they did; for he is a worthy descendant of illustrious
+sires.
+
+"Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed them now. A few
+weeks ago a worthy farmer of your county, upon a bright, warm summer's
+day, was seated by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and
+innocent little ones playing around him. There he sat with his head
+proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal man could take from him one
+foot of that sacred soil without his own free consent. But what it was
+out of the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done by a
+soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump then, and
+imagine the feelings of Simon Rump now. Imagine the feelings of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's
+venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
+little ones then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
+little ones now.
+
+"But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, nor is Mrs. Rump the
+only woman, nor are the innocent little Rumps the only children who will
+be made to suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A whole
+community will be divided in twain. Permit this canal to be dug, and
+will not your county be virtually divided as if into two separate
+kingdoms? It is to be forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one
+word is said about bridges over it. What will be the consequences? Will
+there not be a separation of friends and relatives; and what money can
+compensate for that?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump; in behalf of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife; in behalf of Simon Rump's innocent little ones;
+in behalf of Simon Rump's friends and Simon Rump's neighbors; and in
+behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal to you by your
+love of right and your abhorrence of wrong, and by your devotion to your
+country, and your pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless,
+tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous verdict as will ever
+hereafter operate as a shield to the weak and a warning to the proud."
+
+"What do you think of that?" said Tom Seddon to the Professor when Pate
+had concluded.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antediluvian and never hear
+such a speech again," said the Professor, with impressive solemnity.
+
+"Toney will find it difficult to make a reply," said Tom.
+
+"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he
+has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due
+deliberation."
+
+"What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now rises before the jury!"
+said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech,
+he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."
+
+Toney Belton now spoke as follows:
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury,--While listening with the most profound
+attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by
+my learned and eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time,
+the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable
+assemblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of
+the First Book of Kings,--'And there came of all people to hear the
+wisdom of Solomon.'
+
+"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments
+advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon
+Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for
+the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in
+disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.
+
+"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must
+notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful
+effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.
+
+"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two
+separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impassable gulf
+had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the
+inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As he alluded to
+the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the
+description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to
+the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.
+
+"Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet
+deep! On either side are assembled groups of men, women, and children;
+for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears
+are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the
+air. On the east side of the canal is the fond father, and on the west
+his favorite son. On the east side of the canal is the anxious mother,
+and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the canal is
+the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'
+There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened
+above, and the water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of
+separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again
+beneath the skies!
+
+"Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches forth the right
+hand to take a last embrace of a parent, child, brother, sister,
+mistress, or lover! But even this small consolation is denied; for,
+behold, the water is already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep!
+Then there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations; and tears gush
+forth, falling like a summer's shower into the dividing waters. There is
+cast from each face one last, long, agonizing look; and those
+broken-hearted friends and relatives depart to their respective homes,
+to meet no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more on
+earth.
+
+"But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It comes from the Rumps!
+
+
+                         Oh, mercy dispel
+     Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell!
+
+
+One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side of the canal!
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me that I can proceed no
+further, and must therefore submit the rights of my heathen client
+solely to your Christian mercy."
+
+The effect produced by Tony Belton's speech was extraordinary. Shouts of
+laughter burst from the spectators and the jury. Indeed, some of the
+latter were so overcome with merriment that they rolled from their
+benches upon the grass; the tears streaming from their eyes, and their
+whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter.
+
+"Where is Mr. Pate?" cried Simon Rump, when the tumult had, in some
+degree, subsided. "Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! Where is Mr. Pate?"
+
+"Yonder he goes!" said a boy. "Great golly! ain't he riding!"
+
+"Go fetch him back! Go fetch him back!" cried Rump.
+
+"It would take Flying Childers to catch that old white horse!" said one
+of Rump's neighbors. "Your lawyer has gone, and you will now have to
+make a speech yourself."
+
+"My lawyer has run away! I am ruined! I am ruined!" exclaimed Rump.
+
+"Mount my horse, and ride after your attorney," said the sheriff, his
+sides shaking with laughter. "Make haste, Mr. Rump! The jury are waiting
+to hear his argument in reply to Mr. Belton."
+
+Simon Rump shook his head in despair. Rendered frantic by the ridicule
+of his merciless adversary, his attorney had rushed wildly from the
+scene of his discomfiture, mounted his horse, and galloped away, and
+poor Rump was left _inops consilii_.
+
+"Mr. Rump," said the sheriff, "the jury have requested me to inform you
+that they are ready to hear anything which you have to say. You are
+entitled to the closing argument."
+
+"I can't make a speech," said Rump; "and my lawyer has run away."
+
+"Then the case is submitted for the decision of the jury without further
+argument," said the sheriff.
+
+Rump mournfully nodded his head in acquiescence. Whereupon the twelve
+peers arose from their seats, and walked aside in consultation. They
+soon returned, and rendered a verdict for the defendant. Rump had to pay
+the costs, which amounted to one hundred dollars. He pulled out his
+pocket-book, and handed ninety dollars to the sheriff.
+
+"Ten dollars more," said the sheriff.
+
+"Mr. Pate will pay the other ten dollars," said Simon.
+
+"How so?" asked the sheriff.
+
+"He was to get one-tenth of the money recovered," said Rump.
+
+"Well?"
+
+"As we have lost the case, he should pay one-tenth of the costs."
+
+"That is strictly in accordance with the principles of law applicable to
+copartnerships,--is it not, Mr. Seddon?" said the Professor.
+
+"Certainly," said Tom; "profits and losses must be in proportion to the
+interest which each partner has in the firm."
+
+The sheriff thought otherwise, and Rump reluctantly paid the whole
+amount; saying that he would sue M. T. Pate for the ten dollars paid on
+his account. A few days afterwards he actually brought suit before
+Justice Johnson, who rendered a judgment against M. T. Pate for ten
+dollars and costs.
+
+Simon Rump went home a melancholy man. As he entered his door he was met
+by the mother of the cherubs, who threw her arms around his neck and
+embraced him with connubial fondness.
+
+"Oh, Simon, my love, I am so glad you have come back! There is a
+brand-new carriage in Mapleton now offered for sale. It will just suit
+us. Have they paid all the money? How much have you got?"
+
+Simon Rump was silent.
+
+"How much money have you brought home with you?" asked Simon's angel.
+
+"Not one cent," said Simon, sadly. "I went away this morning with one
+hundred dollars in my pocket-book, and now it is empty. I had to pay
+some money for Mr. Pate."
+
+"But Mr. Pate will pay it back to you out of the three thousand
+dollars," said the angel.
+
+"No he won't," said Simon.
+
+"Yes he will," said the angel. "Mr. Pate is a good man. He reads the
+prayers in church."
+
+"I'll sue him," said Simon.
+
+"What?"
+
+"I'll sue M. T. Pate for ten dollars," said Simon, savagely.
+
+"Sue your own lawyer?" exclaimed the mother of the cherubs. "Your own
+lawyer, who has made a great speech, and gained our case?"
+
+"He didn't gain our case,--he lost it."
+
+"Lost our case?" screamed the angel. "Simon Rump, you don't mean to say
+that Pate lost our case?"
+
+"That's just what happened," said Simon Rump.
+
+"Did he make a speech?"
+
+"He made a speech, and then he ran away."
+
+"What made him run away?"
+
+"He got scared," said Simon.
+
+"What did he say in his speech?"
+
+"He talked to the jury about you, and me, and the children."
+
+"What did Pate say about me?"
+
+"He called you venerable."
+
+"What?"
+
+"He called you Simon Rump's venerable wife."
+
+"Me? Me?"
+
+"Yes, you," said Simon. "He called you venerable several times."
+
+"Several times?"
+
+"Yes, four or five times."
+
+"Said so to the jury?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What did you do?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Simon Rump, you are a brute!" said the angel.
+
+"But, my duck," said Simon, "I could not----"
+
+"Don't call me your duck! Duck, indeed! Simon Rump, you are a brute! You
+have no feeling. What! stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call
+me venerable! Well, I'll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. Venerable!
+venerable!" And the mother of the cherubs rushed from the room in a
+state of unangelic excitement, while Simon Rump seated himself in his
+big arm-chair and looked doleful and desolate.
+
+On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his porch, brooding over
+the humiliation of his defeat, a sable son of Africa rode up and handed
+him a letter. He opened it and read as follows:
+
+
+     "Mr. M. T. PATE,--Simon has told me that in your speech to the jury
+     you several times called me venerable. No wonder you lost our case!
+     for after such a whopper about me it was not likely that a single
+     man on the jury would believe one word you might say. How dare you
+     call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so venerable as you
+     yourself, with your big head almost bare of hair outside and
+     altogether bare of brains inside.
+
+     "You ran away because you were afraid to look twelve honest men in
+     the face after what you had said about me. You may have better luck
+     when you have learned to tell the truth. No more at present.
+
+     "ABIGAIL RUMP."
+
+
+This letter, though mortifying at the time, was afterwards of essential
+service to M. T. Pate. He perceived that adjectives suggestive of
+personal qualities were often, like edged tools, to be used with extreme
+caution, especially in their application to the female sex; and that the
+equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little cherubs might be
+seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use of the word venerable.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech," said the Professor to Toney and
+Tom, the day after the trial; "such a speech as has been seldom listened
+to by any audience,--a speech that was unanswerable by argument."
+
+"And Toney knew it," said Tom, "and did not attempt to answer it by
+argument."
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "was like a wild Indian, dodging around and
+aiming his arrows at Pate, who had come on the ground with a heavy piece
+of artillery."
+
+"Why do you compare me to a savage?" said Toney.
+
+"Because you use merciless weapons," said the Professor. "Civilized men
+do not employ the scalping-knife and tomahawk."
+
+"Nor did I," said Toney.
+
+"Figuratively and metaphorically speaking, you did," said the Professor.
+"You brought into the field of forensic controversy a most barbarous and
+cruel weapon."
+
+"What was that?" asked Toney.
+
+"Ridicule," said the Professor. "It may be termed the oratorical
+scalping-knife. Why, sir, Demosthenes, with all his thunder, would have
+been powerless against it. Now, M. T. Pate, though not equal to the
+great Athenian, is an eloquent man. He drew tears from Mr. Seddon, who
+wept profusely over the wrongs of Simon Rump, and his venerable wife,
+and innocent little ones. But of what avail is the most touching pathos
+and sublime eloquence when met by ridicule? Do you not recollect what
+the poet and philosopher Pope says on this subject?"
+
+"I do not," said Toney.
+
+"Let an ambassador," says he, "speak the best sense in the world and
+deport himself in the most graceful manner before a prince, yet if the
+tail of his shirt happen (as I have known it to happen to a very wise
+man) to hang out behind, more people will laugh at that than attend to
+the other."
+
+"That is as true as a text from Holy Writ," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"It is a truth, Mr. Seddon, by no means creditable to the good sense of
+mankind, as we have seen in the case of the learned, eloquent, but
+unlucky M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Pate's unfortunate allusion to
+the prospective division of families, resulting from the construction of
+the canal, afforded an opportunity for ridicule, and the great beauty
+and eloquence of his speech were lost sight of the very moment the
+audience beheld Tony Belton's finger pointing to the visible protrusion
+of his nether garment."
+
+"Pate rode away at a terrific speed," said Seddon. "I have not heard of
+him since. If he has unfortunately broken his neck, Toney Belton will be
+answerable for the awful catastrophe."
+
+"No responsibility can possibly attach to me," said Toney. "You are
+entirely mistaken in reference to the cause of his abrupt departure. Mr.
+Pate had promised to make a speech in behalf of Simon Rump. He did make
+a speech, and then, looking at his watch, he hurried away; for he had
+more important business on hand than any which lawyers have to transact.
+He was to preside at a committee. The hour for its meeting had nearly
+arrived, and hence he was compelled to make a liberal use of whip and
+spur."
+
+"A committee!" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"What committee?" asked the Professor.
+
+"A committee composed of several of the most distinguished members of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.
+
+"What is its object?" asked the Professor.
+
+"A tournament," said Toney.
+
+"A what?" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"A tournament," said Toney. "To M. T. Pate belongs the distinguished
+honor of being the originator of a tournament in this age and country."
+
+"How did such an extraordinary idea ever enter his head?" said Seddon.
+
+"Great men," said Toney, "are often led to important discoveries by
+certain phenomena, which, to ordinary minds, are devoid of significance.
+Suppose you, Tom Seddon, had been sitting under an apple-tree, instead
+of Newton, and an apple had fallen and hit you on the head; what would
+you have done?"
+
+"Scratched my cocoanut," said Tom.
+
+"In the situation supposed," said the Professor, "it is highly probable
+that Mr. Seddon would first have vigorously titillated the top of his
+head, and then picked up the pippin and devoured it."
+
+"It was not so with the great Newton," said Toney. "The sudden shock
+which his cranium received awakened an idea, and that idea expanded into
+a magnificent system of philosophy. And so it was with M. T. Pate."
+
+"Did Pate sit under an apple-tree?" asked Tom.
+
+"No," said Toney; "it was a cherry-tree. He was seated on the greensward
+under its shade, when his attention was attracted to the curious pranks
+of a couple of urchins. They had paper caps on their heads with the
+tail-feathers of a rooster stuck in their crowns. Pate heard one of the
+little fellows say, 'I'll be Bonaparte,' and his companion immediately
+rejoined that he was Wellington. The illustrious Napoleon was armed with
+a bean-pole, and the Iron Duke held in his hand the fragment of a
+fishing-rod. After marching and countermarching, and performing many
+difficult evolutions, the martial enthusiasm of Napoleon finally rose to
+such a pitch that he could no longer restrain himself. As impetuously as
+when he was leading his valiant legions over the bridge of Lodi, he
+charged upon Wellington, and, before the latter could parry the thrust,
+inserted the end of the bean-pole in his mouth, to the no small damage
+of his ivory. The hero of Waterloo having his mouth thus unexpectedly
+opened, gave utterance to a cry which was, by no means, so warlike as
+might have been anticipated. It had the effect to bring a certain
+belligerent dame to the door, who had thus got an intimation that
+hostilities had actually commenced between Bonaparte and Wellington. She
+sallied forth, and seizing upon the illustrious Napoleon, she laid him
+over her lap, and gave him what, in the technical phraseology of the
+nursery, is termed a good spanking. Poor Bonaparte bellowed lustily
+under the operation, and as soon as he had escaped from the hands of his
+ruthless captor, went and sat on the sill of the door and sobbed
+sorrowfully over his disgrace. All his martial enthusiasm had been
+suddenly quenched. 'No sound could awake him to glory again,' and for
+the space of one whole hour he indignantly refused to eat even
+gingerbread."
+
+"I can sympathize with poor Bonaparte," said the Professor, "for I was
+once the unhappy victim of a similar misfortune in days gone by, when I
+was not much taller than a gooseberry-bush. I had been diligently
+perusing that good old book, the Pilgrim's Progress, and under the
+delusion that I was the valiant Great-heart, I assaulted an urchin who
+was supposed to be Giant Despair. I overcame the giant, and was
+imprisoned in the pantry, and afterwards tried, and convicted, and
+sentenced to undergo the cruel ordeal of a tough twig for a forcible
+entry into sundry jars of jelly. But what impression did the fall of
+Napoleon make upon the mind of M. T. Pate?"
+
+"While meditating upon this event, an idea entered his head, which
+ultimately led to an important discovery. His wonderful sagacity enabled
+him to perceive that if a little boy could be Bonaparte, a little man
+might impersonate any hero of whom history makes mention."
+
+"Even Jack the Giant-killer," suggested Tom Seddon.
+
+"If," said Toney, "the unlucky urchin, who had been spanked by his
+indignant mamma, could arm himself with a bean-pole, and assault Lord
+Wellington with such vigor and impetuosity, could not a number of
+delicate and dainty youths be mounted on diminutive horses, and
+represent Richard the Lion-hearted, or Ivanhoe, or any of the
+mail-covered barons whose valorous deeds are immortalized in the pages
+of Froissart or of Walter Scott?"
+
+"Is it meant that the Dainty Adorer or the Winsome Wooer could do this?"
+asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"So thought M. T. Pate," said Toney.
+
+"What would be the effect of a moderate blow from the ponderous fist of
+one of the aforesaid barons on the head of little Love?" inquired Tom.
+
+"Immediate work for the undertaker," answered the Professor.
+
+"Or suppose," said Tom, "that Dove was spanked by Richard, as was the
+little boy by his mother?"
+
+"He would be crushed like a pepper-corn pounded by a pestle in a
+mortar," remarked the Professor.
+
+"And," said Seddon, "the immense load of iron and steel carried by one
+of the knights at the tournament of Ashby-de-la-Zouch, where three
+combatants were killed, one smothered in his armor, and thirty wounded,
+if put upon Bliss----"
+
+"Would cause the dainty creature to think of Pelion piled upon Ossa,"
+observed the Professor.
+
+"But," said Toney, "Pate was well acquainted with the wonder-working
+powers of the imagination, and knew that with the aid of this faculty he
+could easily induce young maidens, who were diligent students of
+romance, to believe that the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and the
+Winsome Wooer, mounted on ponies, and flourishing long poles, were
+valorous knights, armed for the performance of doughty deeds; just as
+the unsophisticated birds are made to imagine that the effigies placed
+by a farmer around his cornfield are the dangerous and destructive
+bipeds in whose images they have been cunningly fashioned."
+
+"You now perceive, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "in what various
+aspects the same subject will be contemplated by different minds. Mr.
+Pate is a man of an original and sublime genius, and entertains ideas
+which would never enter into either your head or mine."
+
+"But," said Tom, "what did he do with his grand idea?"
+
+"Having thoroughly elaborated it," said Toney, "he called a meeting of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts and made known his important
+discovery. The announcement was received with acclamations of applause,
+and the projected tournament pronounced worthy of the illustrious
+founder of their noble order. A committee was appointed, composed of the
+Prince of Pretty Fellows, the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and
+the Winsome Wooer, with the Noble Grand Gander himself as chairman; and
+upon this dignified body was devolved the onerous duty of developing all
+the details of the intended tourney. Numerous meetings were held by the
+committee, and many discussions ensued. Books of chivalry and romance
+were referred to, and the Chronicles of Froissart diligently perused.
+But by far the highest authority on the subject was the novel of
+Ivanhoe, in which the most graphic and intelligible account of a
+tournament was to be found. But when Pate read to the committee Walter
+Scott's description of the passage of arms at Ashby----"
+
+"I remember it well!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, enthusiastically. "How the
+knights met in the encounter,--how the lances were shivered, the
+powerful steeds thrown back on their haunches, and many combatants
+hurled from their saddles by the terrible shock,--how Richard assailed
+the gigantic Front de Boeuf, and struck down horse and rider at a
+single blow, and then, wresting the battle-axe from the hands of the
+bulky Athelstane, dashed him senseless to the ground! It is sublime! it
+is magnificent!"
+
+"What effect did the reading of this description by Walter Scott, which
+has so aroused the enthusiasm of Mr. Seddon, produce on the committee?"
+asked the Professor.
+
+"Every member of the committee turned pale," said Toney. "Bliss trembled
+and was silent; while Love loudly exclaimed that he would not take part
+in any such performance, and Dove said that indeed it was too
+dangerous."
+
+"But the ultimate result?" said the Professor.
+
+"The panic produced by the reading of this passage from Ivanhoe was so
+great," said Toney, "that it nearly caused an abandonment of their
+intention to hold a tournament. The committee adjourned to meet on the
+following day for further deliberation. M. T. Pate went home and passed
+a sleepless night in profound meditation."
+
+"One might suppose," said the Professor, "that the activity of his mind
+would have enabled him to surmount the difficulty which had presented
+itself. Could he not recollect that in the encounter between Napoleon
+and Wellington, neither of them had used artillery or any of the deadly
+weapons employed in modern warfare? If these illustrious heroes could
+dispense with fire-arms, why could not Richard and Ivanhoe get along
+very well without their heavy defensive armor and ponderous swords and
+battle-axes?"
+
+"That was precisely the conclusion arrived at by M. T. Pate in his
+nocturnal meditations," said Toney. "He perceived that the whole danger
+of a tournament might be avoided by mounting his knights on small
+horses, with chicken-feathers in their caps, and long poles in their
+hands; when, instead of charging at each other, they could, in
+succession, charge at a mark in the shape of a ring; and he who was the
+most expert in thrusting his pole through the ring, could be proclaimed
+the victorious champion, entitled to crown the Queen of Love and
+Beauty."
+
+"It is to be hoped," said the Professor, "that this grand idea entered
+the mind of M. T. Pate cautiously and on tiptoe. If it rushed in
+unannounced, like a daring intruder, there was danger of its upsetting
+all the furniture, and disturbing him as much as was Archimedes when he
+leaped out of the bath exclaiming, 'Eureka! eureka!'"
+
+"Pate jumped out of bed," said Toney, "and danced over the floor,
+exclaiming, 'I have got it! I have got it!' His old housekeeper, who had
+been fast asleep in an adjoining apartment, was aroused by these loud
+cries, and thinking that there were robbers in the house, ran to the
+window and commenced shrieking, 'Help! help! help! murder! murder!
+murder!' with the whole strength of her lungs."
+
+"Now, here was a fuss in the family," said Seddon. "What did Pate do to
+quell this disturbance?"
+
+"He called to her in loud and angry tones, and ordered her to cease her
+frightful outcries. But the more loudly he called, the more loudly the
+old woman bawled, and finally four or five neighbors came running to the
+house armed with axes and pitchforks. These men, hearing the cries of
+murder from the old woman, and Pate's angry voice in denunciation, under
+the impression that the latter had gone crazy and was about to commit a
+homicide, broke down the door, and, rushing in, seized him and threw him
+upon the floor, and bound him fast with the bedcords. The housekeeper,
+when she heard the men rushing into the house, was convinced that
+robbers had possession; and, in the utmost terror, the poor creature
+fled down a back stairway and out the door, and ran across a field until
+she entered a forest, where she fell down in a state of insensibility."
+
+"But what did the men do with their prisoner?" said Seddon.
+
+"Pate being bound with cords now conducted himself like a furious
+maniac. He raved, and swore, and kicked, and foamed at the mouth, and
+endeavored to bite his captors with his teeth. But he was held down on
+the floor by two stalwart farmers, while the others consulted together;
+and the unanimous opinion was that so dangerous and murderous a lunatic
+should be immediately confined in a hospital. A horse was harnessed to a
+cart, and they put Pate, securely bound with cords, in the bottom of the
+vehicle, and while one drove, the others walked alongside, with their
+axes and pitchforks on their shoulders, and thus conveyed him to a
+lunatic asylum situated a few miles from Mapleton."
+
+"It is under the superintendence of Dr. Mowbray," said Seddon. "I know
+him well."
+
+"Dr. Mowbray was awakened by the farmers loudly calling at the door.
+'What do you want?' said he, putting his head out the window.
+
+"'We've got a crazy man here,' said Farmer Brown, 'and want to get him
+off our hands. Come down, doctor, and take him in.'
+
+"The doctor dressed himself and came down. 'Here he is,' said Farmer
+Jones. 'He is as mad as the moon can make a man!'
+
+"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' exclaimed Pate, in the bottom of the
+cart.
+
+"'He is talking poetry,' said Brown. 'I heard my little boy speak that
+at school.'
+
+"'My men,' said the doctor, 'whom have you got here? Why, it is Mr.
+Pate! When did he go mad?'
+
+"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' piteously exclaimed poor Pate.
+
+"'Don't you hear that, doctor?' said Jones. 'He is as crazy as an old
+cow with a wolf in her back!'
+
+"'Who sent him here?' asked the doctor.
+
+"The farmers now told their story.
+
+"'My men,' said the doctor, 'I fear that you have acted without
+sufficient authority. Let me talk to Mr. Pate.'
+
+"After a conversation with the unhappy captive, the doctor told his
+captors that they had better go home and attend to their own business;
+that Pate was not crazy, and might have every one of them prosecuted for
+a burglarious entry into his house in the night-time. When the farmers
+heard this they fled with precipitation, leaving their captive in the
+hands of the doctor, who unbound him and treated him kindly, and, after
+breakfast, loaned him a horse, on which he rode back to his home."
+
+"What did Pate do after he was declared sane by the doctor and released
+from captivity?" asked the Professor.
+
+"He proceeded with his preparations for the tournament," said Toney.
+"His views in relation to tilting at a ring were unanimously approved by
+the committee; though the Noble Nonentity suggested, that as the weather
+would be very sultry, each knight should be allowed to carry an umbrella
+to protect himself from the heat of the sun. This prudent suggestion,
+intended to guard against the danger of _coup de soleil_, is still under
+consideration, and is a matter yet to be decided by the committee, to
+meet which was the cause of Pate's hurried departure on yesterday."
+
+"When does the tournament come off?" asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"Next Monday," said Toney. "Tom, you must be here on that day."
+
+"I most certainly will," said Tom.
+
+"And I, too," said the Professor.
+
+"Are you going back with Tom?" asked Toney.
+
+"I intend to return to Bella Vista for the purpose of protecting Mr.
+Seddon from Dr. Bull, if that eminent physician should undertake to make
+any more experiments in phlebotomy," said the Professor. "But I will be
+here on the day of the tourney. Good-by, Toney."
+
+"Good-by, Charley; good-by, Tom," said Toney, shaking hands with his two
+friends, who proceeded to the cars, and took passage for Bella Vista.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+
+Intense excitement prevailed in the community when the day for the
+tournament arrived. The governor of the State was expected to be present
+with his military staff, the adjutant-general, and other distinguished
+personages. It was anticipated that the array of beauty would be
+immense; and, for a week anterior to the eventful day, each fair maiden
+had held frequent consultations with her mirror, in order to ascertain
+whether there was a probability that she might have the high honor of
+being crowned Queen of Love and Beauty by some valorous and victorious
+knight.
+
+Tom Seddon and the Professor had arrived on the preceding evening from
+Bella Vista. Tom was now supremely happy, for Ida Somers had temporarily
+escaped from the supervision of her cynical uncle, and was the guest of
+the Widow Wild. The Professor told Toney that when Tom heard that Ida
+had gone to Mapleton to attend the tournament, he could hardly content
+himself to wait for the next train, but wanted to be off like a pyrite
+of iron after the magnet; and that, when on the cars, he was continually
+complaining of the sluggishness of the iron horse, which failed to go
+faster than twenty miles in an hour.
+
+Tom escorted the beautiful Ida to the ground, who bestowed on her
+escort many a smile, and furtively glanced at his face, radiant with
+happiness, and came to the conclusion that Tom was a very handsome
+fellow; but would not for the world have permitted anybody to know that
+such was her decided opinion.
+
+Toney walked behind Ida and Tom, with Rosabel by his side, while the
+Professor had the Widow Wild under his protection. They were soon
+comfortably seated, and cast their eyes around to survey the scene
+before them.
+
+"Who are those military gentlemen standing in a line in front of their
+horses?" said Rosabel to Toney.
+
+"Those are the knights," said Toney. "The big man on the right is
+Richard."
+
+"Who is Richard?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Richard the Lion-hearted," said Toney.
+
+"Why, he looks like Mr. Pate," said Ida.
+
+"Richard and Pate are one and the same person to-day," said Toney. "M.
+T. Pate is now Richard Plantagenet, Miss Somers; and if he should prove
+victorious in the lists he may crown you Queen of Love and Beauty."
+
+Tom Seddon was silent, but he gazed at Richard with a look of savage
+ferocity, which reminded the Professor of the expression of his
+countenance just after he had been bled by Doctor Bull.
+
+"The knight standing next to Mr. Pate, who is he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Ivanhoe," said Toney.
+
+"It is Mr. Wiggins," said Ida.
+
+"Formerly Mr. Wiggins, now the son of Cedric,--the disinherited knight,
+the valiant Ivanhoe."
+
+"And the little man whose head hardly reaches to his horse's mane? How
+in the world will he ever mount?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Oh, never fear. His esquire will help him on his horse. He is a Knight
+Templar," said Toney.
+
+"What is his name?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Brian de Bois Guilbert," said Toney.
+
+"It is Little Love," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"And the one next to him is Dove," said the widow.
+
+"Formerly Dove, but now Athelstane the Saxon," said Toney. "He is a
+knight of great prowess, and has royal blood in his veins."
+
+"And the other little man standing in front of the black horse, who is
+he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Why, that is Bliss," said the widow.
+
+"No longer Bliss," said Toney, "but the accomplished and gallant Maurice
+de Bracy."
+
+"And Ned Botts and Sam Perch," said the widow, "who have they become?"
+
+"Those two gentlemen," said Toney, "have selected their designations
+from localities to which they are strongly attached and desire to honor
+by their valorous deeds of knighthood. Mr. Botts, who formerly resided
+in a village where each householder was required by an immemorial custom
+to keep at least six of the canine species, whose barking and howling at
+night were supposed to be good for persons afflicted with typhoid fever,
+calls himself the Knight of Cunopolis."
+
+"Cunopolis!" said Ida. "Oh, what a pretty name!"
+
+"It is composed of two Greek words," said the Professor.
+
+"What is the signification?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Dog Town," said the Professor.
+
+"Dog Town! Oh, horrid!" said Ida.
+
+"Mr. Botts is the Knight of Cunopolis, or Dog Town," said Toney.
+
+"And Perch?" asked the widow.
+
+"The father of that young man," said Toney, "had heard that N. P.
+Willis, while residing in Wyoming Valley, had named his place Glenmary
+in compliment to his wife, and in honor of his own wife has named his
+place Glenbetsy. So Perch is the valorous Knight of Glenbetsy."
+
+"Glenmary is a very beautiful name," said Ida.
+
+"And so is Glenbetsy," said the Professor.
+
+"Tastes may differ," said Toney.
+
+"Mr. Belton," said the widow, "what is Barney Bates doing there--holding
+that horse?"
+
+"He is esquire to Richard Plantagenet," said Toney. "Each one of those
+boys is esquire to a gallant knight, and holds his horse until the
+champion is ready to mount."
+
+"Barney is a bad boy," said the widow.
+
+"Indeed, he is a bad boy!" said Rosabel.
+
+"The only harm I ever knew Barney to do," said Toney, "was to turn a
+tavern-keeper's sign upside down, and when Boniface came out in the
+morning, he beheld an Irishman standing on his head before the door
+trying to read the letters which were inverted."
+
+"He tied bells to my horse's tail," said the widow.
+
+"He did worse than that," said Rosabel.
+
+"What was it?" said Toney.
+
+"Why," said Rosabel, "some pious people were engaged in holding a
+prayer-meeting, and he tied a bundle of firecrackers behind an unlucky
+cur and applied a torch."
+
+"Oh, I recollect!" said Toney, laughing. "The demented dog ran into the
+midst of the meeting, carrying terror and confusion wherever he went.
+The worthy minister said that he saw the hand of Satan in this trick;
+and ever since that time Barney has been supposed, by good people, to
+act by the instigation of that great designer of mischief."
+
+"That boy will play some trick on those knights," said the widow.
+
+"Why, mother," said Rosabel, "how can he? They have him right before
+their eyes."
+
+"Never mind," said the widow. "Mark what I say. Barney will play some
+trick on the knights."
+
+"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"Oh, splendid!" cried Ida.
+
+"Who is he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The governor of the State," said Toney.
+
+"What a noble horse he is riding!" said Rosabel.
+
+"And what a beautiful uniform he has on!" said Ida.
+
+"Who is the fat man riding on his right?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The adjutant-general," said Toney.
+
+"And these other gentlemen?" asked Ida.
+
+"His military staff," said Toney.
+
+The governor and his staff, in gorgeous uniforms and magnificently
+mounted, rode over the ground, and halting in front of the knights, who
+were standing in a line, each by the side of his steed, his Excellency
+addressed them in a brief but eloquent and impressive speech. He told
+them that this was a great occasion, and that the eyes of fair women and
+brave men were fixed upon them; and urged them to comport themselves as
+chivalrous and valiant knights. His Excellency, amidst loud applause,
+then retired to the extremity of the lists, where he gracefully sat on
+his horse, a few paces in advance of his staff, with the
+adjutant-general on his right.
+
+The valiant champions now proceeded to mount. It devolved on Richard to
+make the first tilt at the ring. The Marshal blew a trumpet, and
+exclaimed, in a loud voice, "_Preux chevaliers! faites vous devoirs!_"
+Richard leveled his pole and was about to make an impetuous charge at
+the ring, when Old Whitey began to kick up behind, and becoming
+unmanageable, ran off in the direction of the governor and his staff.
+Richard still held his pole horizontally, and had not his Excellency
+skillfully handled his horse, he would have been hurled from his saddle.
+As it was, the unfortunate adjutant-general received the shock. The end
+of the pole struck him fair on the breast, and down he went in the dust;
+for who could withstand the terrible charge of Richard the Lion-hearted?
+
+Having unhorsed the adjutant-general, on went the indomitable Richard,
+scattering the crowds, until he suddenly left the lists, and was seen
+dashing down the road, with his pole still poised, and his horse kicking
+up his heels and casting clouds of dust behind him.
+
+Just then Ida uttered a shriek as Love was thrown over the head of his
+horse and fell at her feet.
+
+"Pick Love up!" exclaimed the widow.
+
+"Oh--oh--oh, mercy!" screamed Rosabel, as Bliss came charging towards
+her; and his horse, rearing and kicking, hurled the rider over his head
+and almost deposited Bliss in the young lady's lap.
+
+"Look out for Dove, ladies!" exclaimed Toney, as Dove took flight from
+the back of his horse and fell at the feet of the fair candidates for
+the crown.
+
+"Gracious heavens! look yonder!" cried the widow.
+
+All eyes were turned in the direction indicated.
+
+The other knights, emulating the example of their illustrious leader,
+were charging the governor's staff. The Knight of Cunopolis headed the
+onset; and after dismounting two captains and one colonel, the three
+valorous knights, with an amazing clatter of hoofs, went off after
+Richard the Lion-hearted.
+
+His Excellency was astounded at this novel manner of conducting a
+tournament; but, being admirably mounted and fond of excitement, he
+galloped off with a portion of his staff in pursuit of the fugitive
+knights. About a mile on the road his horse leaped over Ivanhoe, who had
+sought repose on the bosom of his mother earth. Farther on the valorous
+Knight of Glenbetsy was seen floundering among the frogs in a pond of
+water. They now came in sight of the Knight of Cunopolis, who was going
+along at a furious speed, still carrying his pole in his hand, when down
+went his horse in a gully. Leaving one of his staff to assist the fallen
+hero, on went his Excellency in pursuit of Richard the Lion-hearted.
+Reaching the top of an eminence, he beheld Richard on his white charger
+riding along at a terrific speed. His Excellency, who was a famous
+fox-hunter, now stood in his stirrups and shouted, "Tallyho! tallyho!"
+and then applied whip and spur with redoubled vigor.
+
+They soon crossed a stream which formed the boundary of two counties.
+
+Richard was now hidden from their view by an angle in the road; and when
+their panting and foam-covered horses had galloped another mile, they
+beheld him lying on the ground by the side of his gallant charger. Old
+Whitey had fallen, thoroughly exhausted; and Richard, dismounted at
+last, now lay in the road, gasping for breath, but still grasping his
+long pole.
+
+When he had been restored to consciousness, his Excellency complimented
+him on his admirable horsemanship, and said that the chase had afforded
+him fully as much enjoyment as he had ever found in the most exciting
+fox-hunt.
+
+In the afternoon of the same day, as Rosabel and Ida were seated on the
+porch of the Widow Wild's mansion, in company with Toney and Tom, they
+beheld, on the road leading to Mapleton, a procession of people on
+horseback following a carriage, in which were seated a Caucasian and an
+African.
+
+"What is that?" said Rosabel. "It looks like a funeral."
+
+"Nothing like a funeral," said Toney, who had applied an opera-glass to
+his eye.
+
+"What can it be?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"A triumphal procession in honor of Richard Plantagenet," said Toney.
+"The governor and his staff are conducting him back to the town.
+Richard's chariot is driven by an Ethiopian, and another African is
+leading his white charger, which seems much exhausted."
+
+"I do wonder what made those horses run away with the knights?" said
+Rosabel.
+
+"We have made the discovery," said the widow, coming on the porch in
+company with the Professor. "It was just as I had predicted. That Barney
+Bates was at the bottom of the mischief."
+
+"What did he do?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Why," said the Professor, "in anticipation of the tournament, Barney
+had procured pieces of leather perforated by a number of long and sharp
+tacks, the points of which were carefully covered by other pieces of
+thinner leather, so arranged that it required the weight of the rider to
+cause the tacks to pierce through. Bates had seduced the other boys from
+their allegiance to their respective knights, and under each saddle was
+one of these cruel instruments of torture, ready to give the steed great
+agony as soon as the valiant knight had mounted."
+
+"And that caused the horses to kick up and run off?" said Ida.
+
+"That was undoubtedly the cause of their extraordinary excitement," said
+the Professor.
+
+"I wonder what has become of Love?" said Ida.
+
+"He fell at your feet," said Toney.
+
+"And Bliss?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Bliss endeavored to bestow himself on you," said Toney.
+
+"Indeed, he was very near falling in Rosabel's lap," said the widow.
+
+"And what did they do with Dove?" asked Ida.
+
+"Ladies," said the Professor, "I have made inquiry, and can answer your
+questions. Those three gallant knights were carried from the lists to
+the town. No bones had been broken, but their nerves were terribly
+shattered. They were conducted to a chamber in the hotel, and strong
+tonics brought from the bar and skillfully administered by the landlord.
+At this very moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss are snugly sleeping in the
+same bed, and probably dreaming of future fields of glory."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+
+In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed seven days of
+rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow
+Wild, and had eyes and ears for nobody but Ida. The Professor informed
+Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom was usually as
+silent as a man who had a difficult problem in his head for solution,
+and that on several occasions, when he had endeavored to engage him in
+conversation, he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, "Indeed,
+Miss Ida, what you say is very true."
+
+"He mistook you for Ida?" asked Toney.
+
+"To be sure he did," said the Professor. "Mistook me for a young lady.
+Is it not a pretty piece of business for the founder of the sect of
+Funny Philosophers to have the imagination of one of his disciples
+clothing him in petticoats? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like
+Ida?"
+
+"Not much, I must confess," said Toney, laughing. "But Ida's image is
+impressed on Tom's organ of vision, and when he looks at you the image
+aforesaid is dancing in the intervening space."
+
+"And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom Seddon is getting to be
+really disagreeable," said the Professor. "During the day, when Ida is
+not present, he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton;
+and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I am annoyed by
+his somniloquism."
+
+"What does he say?" asked Toney.
+
+"I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but sometimes hear 'Ida,
+Ida,' articulated with tender emphasis. I do wish that Tom would get out
+of Doubting Castle."
+
+"What sort of a place is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers to dwell for a
+period, either long or short, according to their whim or caprice. I have
+known some maidens, who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that
+cooed in the garden of Eden in the days of primeval innocence, exhibit
+as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant Despair to the poor
+Pilgrims who had fallen into his hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers
+held in Doubting Castle for years."
+
+"Do you think that Tom's term of imprisonment will be of long duration?"
+
+"I think not. Ida's uncle is opposed to Tom's suit, is he not?"
+
+"Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable barriers between Tom and Ida.
+He sometimes chases Tom out of his house by pretending to have a fit of
+canine rabies."
+
+"This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be the means of
+soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs: if you try to head
+them off they will give a squeal and bolt by you, and travel the very
+road you didn't want them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out.
+Tom Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle."
+
+"Yonder he comes now," said Toney.
+
+"He is out of the Castle,--I know it," said the Professor.
+
+"What makes you think so?"
+
+"Look at how he walks. His head is up. His step is as light as if his
+feet were feathers. Yesterday he held his head down, as if he were
+calculating the distance to the antipodes, and walked as if he had a
+large quantity of lead in the bottom of his boots. I'll bet that he
+don't call me Miss Ida after to-day."
+
+Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant with smiles. He took
+Toney by the hand and shook it energetically. He then seized the
+Professor by both hands and gave him a violent shaking.
+
+"It is a beautiful day," said Tom.
+
+"It is always so," said the Professor, "after----"
+
+"After what?" asked Tom.
+
+"After the sun comes from behind the clouds," said the Professor.
+
+"Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you," said Tom, taking Toney
+by the arm and leading him aside.
+
+"I knew it," muttered the Professor to himself. "The gates of Doubting
+Castle are wide open. He is out. How happy he looks! I wonder if it
+always makes a man feel so happy? I wish I could find Dora. I'd risk
+another negative."
+
+Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida in the Widow Wild's
+garden, and had told the young lady how---- But this ought not to be
+repeated. He and Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss
+Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some future period not yet
+clearly designated. This was a profound secret between Toney and Tom,
+and the latter was confident that the Professor did not even guess at
+it, as was evident from the very grave manner with which he remarked, as
+they came where he stood,--
+
+"Toney, it is about time for me to go home and prepare for the
+exhibition. You will be there to-night?"
+
+"Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies."
+
+The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney and Tom walked to
+the residence of the Widow Wild, and sat on the porch with Rosabel and
+Ida.
+
+Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to make a public
+examination of heads, and, as a sort of afterpiece, the Professor had
+promised to make some experiments in biology. This he did merely as an
+amateur, and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of the
+exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull.
+
+There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of Mapleton. Toney
+and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and the widow to the exhibition, and
+secured for them comfortable seats.
+
+"Who is that little man seated on the platform?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"That is the phrenologist," said Toney.
+
+"What is that thing on the table before him?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull of a distinguished
+negro lawyer of Timbuctoo," said Toney.
+
+"It looks like a sheep's head," said the widow.
+
+Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending to show what
+important results the science of phrenology was destined to produce;
+saying that in the administration of justice the guilt or innocence of
+parties accused of crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an
+inspection of their craniums; that men could thus know what occupation
+or calling they should pursue, and whom they should marry; remarking,
+with emphasis, that no gentleman should venture upon matrimony until he
+had first made a critical examination of the young lady's head.
+
+"What's that he says?" asked the widow.
+
+"Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should examine young ladies' heads
+when they court them," said Rosabel.
+
+"If I were a young lady," said the widow, "I would like to see any man
+come pawing about my head."
+
+Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was satisfied and willing to
+venture on matrimony without an examination of that beautiful head
+covered with long and luxuriant tresses.
+
+"What is Mr. Pate going to do?" asked Rosabel, as Pate took a seat on
+the platform.
+
+"He has presented himself for examination," said Toney.
+
+The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald head before him, and
+then exclaimed, with enthusiasm,--
+
+"This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. His perceptive faculties
+are large, and so are the organs of firmness, benevolence, and
+conscientiousness; comparison is very large, and causality is immense. I
+have never met with a finer development of the reasoning faculties
+except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer of Timbuctoo, which now
+lies before me on the table. This gentleman would excel in intellectual
+pursuits, and might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of
+Mansfield or Marshall."
+
+Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, and from that day
+became an enthusiastic student of the science of phrenology.
+
+Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated.
+
+"This gentleman," said Boneskull, "is better fitted for domestic life.
+He would be a devoted lover, and a disappointment in love might drive
+him to despair, and even suicide."
+
+Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of brandy which he
+had swallowed in a fit of desperation after his unfortunate interview
+with the beautiful Imogen in Colonel Hazlewood's garden. Love and Dove
+now seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by Boneskull, who
+said,--
+
+"The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every particular. Each can
+sing sweetly, and either could easily win a woman's heart."
+
+"What's that?" exclaimed the widow.
+
+"Listen," said Rosabel.
+
+"They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could drive a woman
+to despair; but neither would do so, for in both the organ of
+benevolence is immensely developed."
+
+"Did you ever hear such talk?" said the widow. "Dove drive a woman to
+despair! Well, I wonder what he is going to say about Ned Botts?" said
+she, as that uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated
+himself in the chair.
+
+"Perhaps," said Boneskull, with a look of embarrassment, "you might be
+offended if I were to say what is revealed by the bumps?"
+
+"Not at all," said Botts. "Speak out."
+
+"The organ of destructiveness is very large. This man might commit----"
+
+"What?" said Botts.
+
+"Murder," said Boneskull.
+
+Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and kicked him off the
+platform.
+
+"Murder! murder! murder!" roared the phrenologist as he rolled on the
+floor among the audience.
+
+The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, and, seizing
+Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led him from the room.
+
+"Where is Boneskull?" exclaimed a man in the crowd.
+
+"Here he is under my feet," said another.
+
+The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform.
+
+"Oh, dear," said Rosabel, "he is almost murdered! Look how he is
+bleeding."
+
+Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which a crimson stream
+was copiously flowing, and hastily retreated from the room by a back
+door.
+
+The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and announced that the
+phrenologist was too much disabled to resume his position on the
+platform. It was therefore proposed to entertain the audience with some
+experiments in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a
+psychological illusion.
+
+"Let any one who is so disposed," said the Professor, "sit for fifteen
+minutes with his eyes closed and his right thumb on his left pulse. At
+the end of that time I will commence my experiments."
+
+Several persons immediately put themselves in the required position. The
+Professor held his watch in his hand, and at the expiration of the time
+named, approached M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and
+his thumb on his wrist. "Open your eyes! open your eyes, if you can!"
+said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of command. Pate's eyes flew wide
+open. "You won't do," said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump.
+"Open your eyes! open your eyes, sir, if you can,"--but Rump's eyes were
+as tightly closed as if he had padlocks on the lids, and the Professor
+conducted him to the platform. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open
+their eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump.
+
+"This is a nice young lady," said the Professor, addressing Dove and
+pointing to Rump. "She is in love with you and expects you to court
+her."
+
+Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm around his neck
+and kissed him. Rump looked modest and blushed deeply.
+
+"Will you allow that?" said the Professor. "The young lady is in love
+with you and he is kissing her."
+
+Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. There was quite a
+struggle between them, when the Professor sternly cried out,--
+
+"What are you doing there? Quarreling over that ugly black woman?"
+
+Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in their countenances.
+To each of them Simon Rump had assumed the appearance of a hideous
+negress.
+
+"Look out! it is a snake! it will bite you!" said the Professor,
+throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and Bliss ran around the platform
+with cries of terror. "It is a telescope! Pick it up! you can see the
+capitol at Washington through it." Rump put it to his eyes and beheld
+the national capitol.
+
+"Stand here," said the Professor to Rump. "Now, whom would you like to
+see?--the dead?"
+
+"No, no!" exclaimed Rump.
+
+"The absent?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Whom?"
+
+"Susan," said Rump.
+
+"There she is!" said the Professor, pointing to a female form at the far
+end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of rapture, and, leaping from the
+platform, ran to the female, and threw his arms round her neck, and
+kissed her on both cheeks.
+
+"Look at Simon Rump!" said the Widow Wild. "The miserable dog! he is
+kissing my cook, who is as black as Beelzebub."
+
+The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her nails; and another
+belligerent now appeared in his rear. This was Simon's angel, who had
+beheld his conduct with intense indignation, and was now fiercely
+assaulting him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took part in
+the combat, and Rump was driven from the door into the street. The crowd
+followed, cheering the angel and the two cherubs. Rump was overpowered,
+and turning his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and cherubs
+in possession of the field. While men and women stood in the street in
+wild excitement, the Professor locked the door of the hall and proceeded
+to his lodgings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+
+Like one who has committed a great crime, and knows that retributive
+justice is in close proximity to his heels, Simon Rump fled homeward, on
+foot, a miserable man. The blows and the hair-pulling, of which he was
+the recipient, had driven the delusion from his brain, and he was
+conscious of his guilt, and in trembling apprehension awaited his
+punishment. In the house, where he had spent so many hours in days gone
+by, contemplating the blissful period when it would be the abode of an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs, he now sat and listened with a
+feeling of extreme terror for the sounds which would indicate the
+approach of the angel aforesaid.
+
+At length the clatter of horses' hoofs was heard, and peeping through
+the window, poor Rump beheld the angel ride up with a female cherub on
+the pillion behind her. A male cherub was mounted on the other horse. As
+Rump saw them in the act of dismounting, the manly fortitude which he
+had endeavored to summon up instantly forsook him, and he seized his hat
+and fled with precipitation from the house through a back door. The
+wretched man ran with speed until he reached a wood on the outskirts of
+his farm, where he wandered for hours, like one who had been driven an
+outcast from association with his kind. Tired and sleepy, he at last
+ventured into his barn, and throwing himself on a bundle of hay,
+endeavored to recruit his exhausted faculties in the arms of Morpheus.
+
+With the ruddy dawn of the day the consciousness of his misery
+returned. Rump rubbed his eyes and looked around. At the distance of one
+hundred yards from where he sat on his bundle of hay he beheld his
+domicile, in which dwelt an angel and seven sweet little cherubs, who
+had become to him the beings he most dreaded to encounter. The hour for
+breakfast at length arrived, and he knew that hot coffee and buttered
+cakes were on the old mahogany table, and he was a miserable wretch
+banished from his own board. Hunger at length drove him forth, and with
+timidity he approached his house, ascended the steps, and attempted to
+open the door. It was bolted. Rump rapped.
+
+"Who is there?" asked the angel, in shrill and abrupt tones.
+
+"It is I," said Simon.
+
+"Who is I?" asked the mother of the cherubs.
+
+"Simon Rump," said the lord of the mansion.
+
+"Simon Rump is dead. I planted a rose over that good man's grave more
+than a year ago. What do you want?"
+
+"I am hungry; I want my breakfast," said Simon.
+
+"Go around to the kitchen and eat with the cook," said the angel.
+
+Simon Rump now knew that the angel was inexorable, and that henceforth
+he was a stranger at his own door. He walked away with a sad heart and
+obtained a breakfast at a neighbor's house. This benevolent individual
+endeavored to comfort the poor exile, and offered him an asylum until
+the wrath of the angel should be appeased. In his new abode Simon
+remained during the day, and at night he would wander around his own
+house, which he was now forbidden to enter.
+
+One night, as he was wandering on the boundary between his farm and the
+estate of the Widow Wild, he heard a commotion among a herd of swine.
+Rump had recently lost several porkers, and was confident that some one
+was now in the act of stealing a hog. He followed in the direction of
+the sound, and in the moonlight beheld a negro dragging, by its legs, a
+large animal of the porcine species to the door of his cabin. The
+African here threw his squealing victim on its back, and instantly
+plunged a large knife into its throat. Rump rushed forward, and seizing
+the assassin by the collar, commenced severely belaboring him with a
+stout hickory, at the same time indignantly denouncing him in terms of
+vituperation. The negro was astounded at this sudden assault on his
+person, and bounding about with extraordinary agility, loudly
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Take care, Massa Rump! take care, or you will hurt yourself!"
+
+But Rump, regardless of this advice, continued his vigorous exercise
+until he had broken his hickory, when he exclaimed,--
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am Sam."
+
+"You are the infernal thief who was whipped for stealing the hen and
+eggs! Whose hog is that?"
+
+"It belongs to the Widow Wild."
+
+"I thought it was mine," said Rump. "But, no matter, you have got to go
+to jail. Come along!"
+
+This predatory African was incarcerated in the jail of the county, and
+being unacquainted with any lawyer except the eloquent advocate who had
+once so ably defended him in the court of Justice Johnson and obtained
+for him a new trial in spite of the efforts of Piddler to prevent it, he
+sent for M. T. Pate, and employed him in his defense against this charge
+of felony.
+
+Here, then, was an opportunity for the aspiring advocate to distinguish
+himself.
+
+The eulogy pronounced by the learned phrenologist on his intellectual
+developments had awakened ambitious hopes in his bosom, and Pate
+determined to prepare in the most elaborate manner for the defense of
+his sable client, and was confident of redeeming his reputation, which
+had been so badly damaged in his encounter with Toney Belton. It was
+exceedingly fortunate for him that the trial could not take place until
+a week subsequent to the time when he was employed as counsel. Unlike
+some other able advocates, he had none of that superficial but
+convenient talent which enables its possessors to make some of their
+best efforts almost impromptu. Like the bird of wisdom, he meditated
+much before he opened his mouth, and seldom ventured upon any public
+effort without having previously thrown his thoughts into the shape of a
+written composition, which was carefully committed to memory, to be used
+on the proper occasion. Had there not been an opportunity for
+preparation during a whole week, that portion of his speech in defense
+of Sam, which he succeeded in producing from the archives of his memory,
+would, without doubt, have been far less remarkable for its beauty and
+eloquence.
+
+Demosthenes would never have been the foremost man in the Athenian forum
+if he had not labored assiduously to correct his imperfections by going
+daily to the seashore, with his vocal organ well ballasted with pebbles,
+and delivering his orations with the winds howling around him and the
+waves roaring at his feet. In imitation of so illustrious an example, M.
+T. Pate, having composed an elaborate speech in defense of the
+incarcerated African, daily resorted to some secluded spot, and gave
+utterance to his eloquence with the birds twittering their delight, and
+the frogs croaking their hoarse notes of approbation.
+
+On a certain afternoon Toney and Tom were walking in the direction of
+the Widow Wild's mansion, engaged in earnest conversation.
+
+"But," said Toney, "Ida is entirely dependent on her eccentric uncle,
+and you have but little property."
+
+"Ida is willing to wait until I have acquired sufficient----"
+
+"To buy a cottage big enough to hold an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs?" said Toney. "But a cottage is not all. Angels must eat, and
+cherubs must have bread and butter, and it takes money to obtain a
+constant supply of such articles. Love cannot live on earth without the
+aid of the butcher and baker."
+
+"I will go to work at my profession and make money," said Tom.
+
+"That you can do," said Toney; "but it takes time."
+
+"Ida is willing to wait for ten years," said Tom. "I wish somebody would
+tell me where there is a gold mine."
+
+"What would you do?" asked Toney.
+
+"I would dig sixteen hours in each day until I had a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Tom.
+
+"And so would I," said Toney; "for I want exactly one hundred thousand
+dollars."
+
+"I wonder if there is not gold in our newly-acquired territory on the
+Pacific coast?" said Tom.
+
+"Would you go there?" asked Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Tom, "and stay for five years, if necessary, to get enough
+gold to buy a home----"
+
+"For Ida and the cherubs?" said Toney.
+
+"What noise is that in the wood?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Two drunken men quarreling over an empty bottle," said Toney.
+
+They now entered the wood and proceeded in the direction of the noise.
+
+"Stop!" said Tom. "Look yonder!"
+
+Toney looked in the direction indicated, and beheld the robust form of
+M. T. Pate perched upon a stump, his arms and legs in violent motion,
+and words rolling from his lips with amazing volubility.
+
+"What is he doing?" said Tom, "Has he gone mad?"
+
+"No; he is practicing oratory; it is a rehearsal," said Toney.
+
+"How would he look if we were to go up and speak to him?" said Tom.
+
+"Like an unfortunate dog taken in the act of assassinating a sheep,"
+said Toney. "Don't let him see us. Listen! What's that he is saying?"
+
+"Something about the Widow Wild," said Tom. "Hear that! He says she has
+a heart of flint."
+
+"Calls her a harpy," said Toney.
+
+"It's well for him the widow does not hear him," said Tom. "What's it
+all about?"
+
+"Pate's client has stolen the widow's hog, and the lawyer is getting
+ready to abuse the owner of the property. Hark! What's that?"
+
+There was a noise in the bushes, and two men sprang out with clubs in
+their hands, and ran towards Pate, loudly shouting,--
+
+"Here he is! Catch him! catch him!"
+
+Pate looked around, and then leaped from the stump and fled through the
+wood with the speed of a frightened antelope.
+
+"Stop! stop! Halt! halt!" cried Toney and Tom.
+
+The men halted, and coming towards them, were recognized as two laborers
+employed on the Widow Wild's estate.
+
+"What were you going to do?" asked Toney.
+
+"Give that fellow a good beating," said one of the men.
+
+"What has he been doing?" inquired Tom.
+
+"He comes here every day and gets on that stump, and abuses the Widow
+Wild, who is as nice a woman as a man ever worked for, and we won't
+stand it! So we cut these clubs and lay in the bushes for him."
+
+"You had better let him alone," said Toney. "He is a lawyer."
+
+"Let him come here again!" said one of the men.
+
+"Even if he was a priest!" said the other.
+
+"What would you do?" asked Toney.
+
+"Break every bone in his body!" said the man, brandishing his club. And
+with this emphatic declaration of their intentions, the men returned to
+their work, while Toney and Tom proceeded on their way to the residence
+of the Widow Wild.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+
+The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before an audience of
+feathered bipeds and amphibious quadrupeds, had fully prepared M. T.
+Pate for the day of trial. On the morning of that eventful day he was
+seen seated in court with a grave aspect, which indicated that he
+sensibly felt the weight of the tremendous responsibility which rested
+upon him.
+
+The prisoner was put in the dock, when the Commonwealth's attorney and
+Mr. Pate announced themselves ready for trial, and were each furnished
+with a list of the jurors in attendance. The offense charged in the
+indictment being felony, the prisoner was entitled to twenty peremptory
+challenges. In exercising this important privilege, Mr. Pate displayed
+his great knowledge of human nature acquired by a thorough study of
+phrenology. He scrutinized closely the head of each juror as he was
+called to the book, and when the organ of benevolence appeared to be
+diminutive, he cried out, with a loud voice, "Challenge!" But if that
+merciful organ was largely developed, he eagerly exclaimed, "Swear
+_him_! swear _him_!" putting a strong emphasis on the word "_him_."
+
+A jury having been impaneled, after a brief statement of the case by the
+Commonwealth's attorney, the Widow Wild was put upon the stand and
+proved property as alleged in the indictment. Pate put her under a
+cross-examination, and asked,--
+
+"Madam, what was the sex or gender of your hog?"
+
+The widow hesitated and looked at the judge, who told her to answer the
+question.
+
+"It was a gentleman hog," said she.
+
+"How do you know it was a gentleman hog?" asked Pate.
+
+"I know it just as well as I know that you are not a gentleman hog,"
+said the widow, tartly.
+
+"You may take your seat," said the lawyer.
+
+"Thank you, sir," said the widow. And with a toss of her head, and a
+fiery look of indignation at the attorney, she glided to a seat in the
+corner of the room, where she announced to the Professor her intention
+to repay Pate for his impudence.
+
+Simon Rump was now sworn, and testified to the facts already stated in
+the preceding chapter, and which appeared to be conclusive proof of the
+guilt of the accused. But Pate was not discouraged. He put Rump under a
+rigorous cross-examination, and asked him if he was not subjected to
+psychological illusions. The opposite counsel interposed an objection to
+this question, and the court inquired of Mr. Pate his object in asking
+it.
+
+"May it please your Honor," said Pate, "I expect to show that this man
+Rump is one of those unfortunate individuals who are continually
+subjected to psychological illusions. This class are quite numerous, and
+not long ago I heard one of them say that he had seen a heavy piano get
+up of its own accord and dance on nothing, half-way between the ceiling
+and the floor, all the while playing a tune, and keeping time with its
+feet to its own music.
+
+"Another man told me that he had seen a certain doctor walk on the air,
+and pass out at one window in the third story of a house and come in at
+the other. And it is said that this Simon Rump alleges that he once saw
+a white ghost, in a clump of willows, in the rear of his barn. Now,
+learned men inform us that these objects have no real existence, but are
+simply projections from the disordered brain of the person who imagines
+that he sees them. May it please your Honor, it is not at all unlikely
+that Sam and the hog were nothing more than projections from the
+disordered brain of Simon Rump. If a man's brain can project a heavy
+piano and cause it to dance a jig on the air, could not Rump's brain
+project a big negro with a whole hog on his shoulder?"
+
+In anticipation of this testimony, Pate had carefully prepared his
+argument at home and had committed it to memory.
+
+He now succeeded in carrying his point, the court deciding that, upon
+general principles, there was nothing to preclude the prisoner's counsel
+from proving, if he could so do, that Rump's brain was in such a
+disordered condition as to render his testimony unreliable. So the
+question was put to Rump, who said that he had walked at all hours of
+the night, and had never seen a psychological illusion; that he had
+never "heard tell of them" before, and did not know what they were.
+After much badgering, however, he admitted that he had seen something
+behind his barn, which, to the best of his knowledge and belief, was a
+ghost. Having been worried until he had made this admission, poor Rump
+was finally dismissed from the stand.
+
+The testimony of the State was here closed.
+
+The court now inquired of Mr. Pate if he had any witnesses to examine on
+the part of the defense.
+
+"Yes, may it please your Honor," was the reply, "we have one very
+important witness. Call Professor Joseph Boneskull."
+
+Thereupon the crier called, in a loud voice, "Professor Joseph
+Boneskull! Professor Joseph Boneskull!"
+
+Immediately a bald-headed little man, about five feet two inches in
+stature, walked up to the witness-stand, carrying in his hand a
+phrenological plaster cast of a human head. All eyes opened in amazement
+and looked with wonder, first at the head on the little man's shoulders,
+and then at the head in his hand.
+
+This strange witness, who seemed to come on the stand under the
+impression that two heads were better than one, was sworn by the clerk
+in the usual form, when Mr. Pate asked,--
+
+"What is your profession, trade, occupation, or calling?"
+
+"My profession," said the witness, "is one of which all sensible men
+might be proud. I am a phrenologist. I tell the diversified mental and
+moral characteristics of men, women, and children, whether they be white
+or whether they be black, by a manipulatory examination of the
+superficial, distinctive developments of their respective craniums,
+vulgarly denominated skulls."
+
+"Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a critical examination
+of the cranium of the prisoner at the bar?"
+
+"I answer, most unequivocally, I have."
+
+"Can you inform the jury what are the respective developments of the
+prisoner's organs of alimentiveness, acquisitiveness, and
+conscientiousness?"
+
+Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the question; saying that
+the introduction of such testimony was wholly unwarranted by any of the
+established rules of evidence.
+
+After an argument of some length, the court decided that the testimony
+in relation to the phrenological developments of Sam was inadmissible.
+Thereupon Professor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both
+heads with him as he went.
+
+"Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer?" inquired the court.
+
+"None whatever," was the mournful response.
+
+"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.
+
+The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are
+not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been
+retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke
+as follows:
+
+"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,--No advocate ever
+rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous
+disadvantages as now encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and
+virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of
+stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day
+with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the
+wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice
+enables her to exert,--she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to
+persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended,
+innocent, and unoffending African.
+
+"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the
+language of a great Roman poet, _hic est niger_, and while men of the
+Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld
+from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and
+even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the
+descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to
+be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the
+peer of Sam?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now
+environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy
+criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that
+venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of
+Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or
+perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.
+
+"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before
+Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the
+unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave
+public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, who had
+murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I
+hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who
+has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?
+
+"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof
+of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of
+my innocent and calumniated client.
+
+"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America,
+and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr,
+that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be
+guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect
+you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A
+miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had
+any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that
+stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.
+
+"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under
+oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon
+Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not
+on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards
+use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at
+Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both
+cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian
+complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect
+machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are
+projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney
+corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man
+projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of
+his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why,
+gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting
+an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the
+pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on
+the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created
+by his diseased mental organization; and when this miserable man
+reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium,
+for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you
+should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:
+
+
+     'Hence, horrible shadow!
+     Unreal mockery, hence!'
+
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court permitted me to examine
+the learned Professor Boneskull, I could have easily proved by him that
+the guilt of Sam is a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar
+of our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the court. But,
+gentlemen, although you have not the testimony of Professor Boneskull
+before you, the prisoner himself is seated in full view, and you can
+certainly rely upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according to
+Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I entreat you to look
+upon the goodly countenance of my client and to scrutinize closely his
+phrenological developments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably
+diminutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam should
+have so enormous an appetite that he would seek to devour a whole hog?
+His organ of acquisitiveness is still smaller, and he could not covet
+nor desire another man's property; while his immense development of
+conscientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal.
+
+"Gentlemen, the bumps clearly demonstrate that the guilt of the prisoner
+is a natural impossibility. Nature herself cries aloud that he is
+innocent. Sam--Sam--I say--Sam!" Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling
+vigorously at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was
+dozing in the prisoners' dock, suddenly started up and exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Sir!"--at which the bailiffs called out, "Silence!
+Silence!" and the judge rapped with his gavel.
+
+Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate from the moment he
+commenced his argument, and the ugly demon now pounced upon him as he
+stood, in anticipation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar.
+His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper, which, with two
+law-books, he had put in a drawer of the table, intending to take out a
+few sheets at a time in the order in which he might want to use them.
+When the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he put his
+hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of manuscript for the purpose
+of refreshing his memory; but how great was his horror on finding the
+drawer closed in such manner that he could not open it! By some awkward
+arrangement of the books one of them had opened, and was acting as a
+lock to prevent the drawer from being pulled out.
+
+Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain; at the same time
+repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, "Gentlemen of the
+jury,"--"Gentlemen of the jury." He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort
+of soliloquy, "Gracious heavens! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary
+unless I can get that drawer open!" Here he gave another tremendous tug
+at the drawer, and saying, "Gentlemen of the jury,"--"Gentlemen of the
+jury,"--"A natural impossibility!" sank back in his seat with his face
+bathed in a profuse perspiration.
+
+The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted by the strange
+conduct of the speaker, and a general peal of laughter broke forth as
+soon as they perceived his awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of
+mirth, which the court could not wholly repress, so increased the
+agitation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from the court-room
+like a man on a wild hunt after his wits.
+
+"He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion," said a pitiless limb of
+the law in a loud whisper.
+
+"No," said Toney Belton, "he has gone for a locksmith to open the
+drawer, and will soon return and conclude his argument."
+
+But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude his powerful
+appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted by the jury and sentenced by
+the court to confinement in the penitentiary for the term of two years
+and six months.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+
+"There are persons so peculiarly constituted as to suppose that all the
+inhabitants of the terrestrial globe have their minds occupied with
+thoughts of them," said Toney to the Professor.
+
+"And that all the people of the planets are peeping through telescopes
+and making critical observations on their actions," said the Professor.
+
+"The unfortunate M. T. Pate must have been in some such mental condition
+after his lamentable break down in court."
+
+"What has become of him? I have not seen him for a whole month."
+
+"During several weeks he remained in seclusion, and manufactured an
+immense amount of melancholy for home consumption. His stock being
+finally exhausted he came forth into the world again."
+
+"To discover that the world was occupied with its own affairs and
+thinking very little about him?"
+
+"Yes; some were engaged in making money; some in making mischief----"
+
+"And Tom Seddon in making love with indefatigable industry----"
+
+"While the earth revolved on her axis as if nothing extraordinary had
+ever occurred in the court-room."
+
+"What is Pate now doing?"
+
+"He has become a collecting lawyer."
+
+"What is that?"
+
+"An attorney who, for a moderate commission, rides over the country
+collecting money for his clients."
+
+"A dun? Why, yonder comes Pate now on his old white horse!"
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate," said Toney, as the lawyer rode up.
+
+"Are you riding far to-day?"
+
+"Only to the Widow Wild's residence. I have a claim to collect for Mr.
+Clement. Good-morning, gentlemen." And Pate rode on.
+
+"Did he say he was going to the Widow Wild's residence?" asked the
+Professor.
+
+"Yes; to dun her for a debt."
+
+"If my identity was merged in that of M. T. Pate, I would be afraid to
+venture within a hundred yards of the widow's house."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"I sat by her side in the court-room, and heard her declaration of war
+against M. T. Pate."
+
+"He denounced her terribly in his speech to the jury."
+
+"And she denounced him terribly in her speech to me."
+
+"I wish Tom Seddon was here; we might send him to witness the interview
+between the widow and M. T. Pate."
+
+"His absence is to be deplored. Ida has done the sect of Funny
+Philosophers great injury by carrying off one of its most efficient
+members, who is so much needed in this emergency. But when that young
+lady returned to Bella Vista she took Mr. Seddon's heart with her; and,
+of course, it was not to be expected that he should exist in one
+locality, and that important organ, which is supposed to be the seat of
+vitality, in another."
+
+The Professor here proceeded to animadvert on the conduct of young
+ladies in appropriating other people's hearts, and was making sundry
+remarks on the subject, when he was interrupted by Toney, who
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Why, yonder comes Clement and his clerk from the direction of the Widow
+Wild's house! Good-morning, Mr. Clement. Have you seen Mr. Pate?"
+
+"I saw him ride up the avenue leading to Mrs. Wild's house, and
+dismount," said Clement.
+
+"I saw him pull the bell at the front door," said the clerk.
+
+"Was the door opened to him?" asked the Professor.
+
+"It was opened by the widow herself, who, with a smiling countenance and
+an extended hand, seemed to bid him welcome," said the clerk.
+
+"That is strange!" said the Professor.
+
+"Not so strange as it may seem," said the clerk; "for, though Pate is
+sometimes bad-mannered among men, he will purr as softly as a pussy cat
+as soon as he comes in proximity to a petticoat. It is just as likely as
+not that the widow has taken a fancy to him."
+
+"Women are enigmas," said Toney.
+
+"The Widow Wild certainly is," said the Professor. "She would puzzle the
+brain of an Oedipus."
+
+The deadly hostility of the widow to M. T. Pate was well known to the
+people of Mapleton, and a crowd collected around Clement; and, in a
+prolonged discussion, endeavored to solve what now appeared to be a
+mystery.
+
+"She was glad to see him!" said one.
+
+"Shook hands with him!" said another.
+
+"Invited him in!" said a third.
+
+"But why does he stay so long?" said Clement.
+
+During the day this question was often repeated by the gossips, who
+assembled in groups, with their gaze fixed on the road leading from the
+widow's mansion to the town.
+
+Suddenly a horse and rider are seen approaching from that direction at a
+furious speed. As they come nearer, the man seems to be without a hat,
+and with a heavy suit of black hair, and huge black whiskers. The steed
+is spotted like a leopard. The people behold the strange horse and rider
+with amazement as they enter the town with the speed of Tam O'Shanter.
+At this moment a shout goes up from the crowd.
+
+"Stop! stop!, stop!" cried a number of voices.
+
+But, Mazeppa-like, the mysterious apparition dashes through the town;
+and while men, women, and children are gazing in gaping wonderment, the
+bare-headed rider and spotted steed disappear beyond a distant hill.
+
+"Who do you think it was?" said a group of astonished people to the
+Professor.
+
+The Professor shook his head and was silent.
+
+"What is your opinion, Mr. Clement?" asked a man in the crowd.
+
+Clement was puzzled, and said nothing.
+
+"Who was that hatless and hugely-whiskered rider?" said Toney to the
+Professor.
+
+"It is a mystery yet to be solved," said the Professor, as he took
+Toney's arm and walked with him to the latter's office.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+
+"What may be the subject of your meditations?" said Toney to the
+Professor on the following morning, as he dodged aside to avoid coming
+in collision with the latter, who was walking with his gaze apparently
+fixed on the toes of his boots.
+
+"I beg pardon!" said the Professor, with a look of surprise. "I had no
+intention of converting myself into a battering-ram. I am in no
+belligerent mood, I assure you. To tell the truth, Toney, I am very
+sad."
+
+"What may be the cause of your melancholy?"
+
+"Disappointment in my fondest wishes."
+
+"In love?"
+
+"No, not in love. I was once disappointed in love, and I know what that
+is. It is a sore trial, but nothing to the affliction which I now
+endure."
+
+"I cannot imagine the nature of your trouble. From what does it
+proceed?"
+
+"Breach of promise."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Breach of promise unadvisedly made to five respectable maiden ladies."
+
+"To all five? Why, you must be a Turk!"
+
+"What am I to do?" said the Professor, with a look of despondency. "I
+cannot fulfill my promise."
+
+"I should think not, unless you emigrate to Salt Lake."
+
+"I wish Tom Seddon were here. He could assist me."
+
+"Do you suppose he would abandon Ida?"
+
+"Toney, my dear fellow, you can help me."
+
+"By taking one of the respectable maiden ladies off your hands? I beg to
+be excused. There is but one woman in the world I would marry, and that
+I would do quickly enough if I had a hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"I was not speaking of marriage."
+
+"Did you not say that you had promised five respectable maiden ladies?"
+
+"Not to conduct them to the altar."
+
+"What, then?"
+
+"To unravel the great mystery which is now agitating the minds of the
+entire population of this town, and more especially of the female
+portion."
+
+"What is that?"
+
+"Who was the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse? Toney, can you tell?
+If I do not discover this secret, what will become of me when I return
+to my boarding-house where the five respectable maiden ladies are
+waiting to receive the information, which I have solemnly promised to
+obtain and impart? Toney, do you know who was the man on the Woolly
+Horse?"
+
+"I do not."
+
+"Have you been to the Widow Wild's house since the apparition dashed
+through the street on yesterday?"
+
+"I was at the widow's house last night."
+
+"What did you discover?"
+
+"Nothing?"
+
+"Did you allude to M. T. Pate?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"What did the widow say?"
+
+"She said he was a very smart lawyer, and then changed the topic of
+conversation."
+
+"That woman is a mystery I cannot solve. She will drive me mad! But what
+did Rosabel say when Pate's name was mentioned?"
+
+"She and her cousin, the widow's niece, tittered."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"The widow sharply rebuked them for their levity."
+
+"What then?"
+
+"The young ladies attempted to smother themselves."
+
+"How?"
+
+"By holding their handkerchiefs to their mouths."
+
+"Did they succeed?"
+
+"They did not. The attempt was a failure. There were explosions of
+laughter, and the young ladies jumped up and ran from the room. I saw
+them no more that night, but I heard from an adjoining room loud
+shrieks----"
+
+"What! shrieks? Nothing serious, I hope?"
+
+"Shrieks of laughter."
+
+"And you have discovered nothing?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Toney, what am I to do? I cannot return to my boarding-house, and look
+those five respectable maiden ladies in their faces, and say I know
+nothing."
+
+"Have you seen Mrs. Foot?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Let us go to her house."
+
+"Why should we go there?"
+
+"It is the headquarters of all the female gossips in the town."
+
+"Then we will go. It is the place for information. Who is Mrs. Foot?"
+
+"The mother of the three tall young ladies whom you have seen escorted
+by Love, Dove, and Bliss."
+
+"The giraffes in petticoats? What are their names?"
+
+"Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba."
+
+"They are very tall women with very long names. Which of them was
+carrying little Love hooked to her arm?"
+
+"That was Cleopatra."
+
+"And the one who was looking down so benignly on Dove?"
+
+"Theodosia."
+
+"And Sophonisba had secured Bliss. Toney, I seldom vaticinate, but I now
+predict that those three little men will marry those three stupendous
+sisters."
+
+"That would be against the rules of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, of which order Love, Dove, and Bliss are active and useful
+members."
+
+"When a very little man," said the Professor, not heeding Toney's last
+observation, "comes in daily contact with a woman of gigantic
+proportions, a marriage is inevitable."
+
+"How do you account for such a phenomenon?"
+
+"Upon very obvious principles. A little man like Bliss, promenading with
+a giantess like Sophonisba, looks up to her when he speaks, and his
+numerous soft and tender expressions ascend like prayers addressed to
+some superior being above him. Sophonisba looks down and beholds poor
+little Bliss walking by her side like a motherless lamb needing
+protection. A feeling of pity takes possession of her bosom, and pity is
+nearly akin to love."
+
+"The big woman first pities the little man, and then loves him?"
+
+"That is just it. Did you ever see a very large woman married to a man
+of similar proportions?"
+
+"Indeed, I have. Mrs. Foot is as tall as Sophonisba, and much more
+robust. Her husband, Gideon Foot, looks like Winfield Scott; while her
+son, who is called Hercules, stands six feet seven in his stockings."
+
+"A race of giants! descended, perhaps, in a direct line from Ogg, the
+King of Bashan."
+
+"Here is the house, and we have arrived at about the right time in the
+afternoon. The gossips usually assemble at this hour."
+
+"Why, this is the very place where we discovered Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+one night, singing so sweetly."
+
+"They come here and warble nearly every night under the windows."
+
+"Serenading the giantesses, I suppose?"
+
+"Yes; serenading the young ladies,--the Feet."
+
+"Toney, is that correct?"
+
+"What?"
+
+"The Feet."
+
+"Do you not say the Browns and the Smiths?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"What is the plural of Foot?"
+
+"Feet."
+
+"Of course. You would not have me say Foots?"
+
+"It is a question of philology which I am unable to determine."
+
+"Let us go in," said Toney.
+
+He pulled the bell, and a servant appeared, and ushered them into a
+parlor, where sat Mrs. Foot with her three daughters, and three female
+friends. The Professor was introduced by Toney to the lady of the house,
+and then to Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba; after which ceremony,
+the two gentlemen were introduced by Mrs. Foot to Mrs. Cross, Mrs.
+Hobbs, and Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Belton," said the gigantic mother of the three stupendous
+sisters, "I am so glad you have come! Have you heard anything?"
+
+"In respect to what?" asked Toney.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" eagerly inquired Mrs. Smart.
+
+The young ladies said nothing; but half a dozen blue eyes belonging to
+the young ladies aforesaid were intently fixed on Toney, in expectation
+of his answer. Toney was silent. Mrs. Foot arose from her chair and came
+close to him. Her three female friends made a similar movement, and
+Toney was surrounded.
+
+"Have you heard anything?" reiterated Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Indeed, madam, that is just what I would like to know," said Toney.
+
+The expression of eager expectation on the countenance of each lady was
+instantly changed to one of sad disappointment.
+
+"He don't know," sighed Mrs. Foot.
+
+"He don't know," said Mrs. Cross, with a profound suspiration.
+
+"It is too bad!" exclaimed Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"That nobody should know who was the man on the Woolly Horse!" said Mrs.
+Smart, in extreme vexation.
+
+"My friend Mr. Tickle may know," said Toney, with a mischievous twinkle
+of his eye, as he directed their attention to the Professor, who was
+instantly surrounded.
+
+"Who was it, Mr. Tickle?" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Who was it?" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"Oh, dear! who was it?" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"Mr. Tickle, who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Ladies," said the Professor, with profound gravity, "it may have been
+an Osage Indian carrying a Woolly Horse, which he had captured in the
+Rocky Mountains, to Barnum."
+
+"It was an Osage Indian on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"No, it wasn't an Osage Indian," said Mrs. Tongue, who had entered the
+room unobserved.
+
+She was instantly surrounded.
+
+"Who was it? Who was it?" was asked and reiterated.
+
+"Wait until I get my breath," said Mrs. Tongue, sinking into a chair.
+"Bless me! I have walked so fast!"
+
+"Who was it? Who was it? Who was it?" came with reiterations from
+several female voices while the lady was employed in getting her breath.
+
+"Will you all promise not to say a word about it?" said Mrs. Tongue.
+
+"Yes--yes!--not a word--not a syllable!--we will not breathe it!" was
+instantly and unanimously promised by the female portion of Mrs.
+Tongue's audience.
+
+"You know the Widow Wild's cook?" said Mrs. Tongue.
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"The black woman whom Simon Rump kissed!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"The miserable dog!" cried Mrs. Cross.
+
+"The cook," said Mrs. Tongue, "was at my house about half an hour ago,
+and told me----"
+
+"What? What? What? What?" exclaimed four female voices simultaneously.
+
+"That Mr. Pate rode up to the Widow Wild's house, on yesterday morning,
+and, dismounting, pulled the bell at the front door. The widow opened
+the door herself, and received Mr. Pate with much cordiality. Having
+invited him in, she introduced him to her daughter and niece; and he and
+the three ladies soon got to be so sociable that they sat down to a game
+of whist. Time passed pleasantly and rapidly until dinner was announced.
+After dinner the widow proposed a game of blind-man's-buff; and the
+three ladies and Pate began the game with much merriment. It came to the
+lawyer's turn to be blinded; and, as soon as the handkerchief was over
+his eyes, the widow rang a bell and her two big negro men, Juba and
+Jugurtha, rushed into the room and caught Pate, and Juba held him while
+Jugurtha smeared tar over his head and face. The widow then took a
+basket of black wool, and stuck the wool all over his head, and put some
+big bunches on his checks, so as to look like very large whiskers. The
+lawyer cried like a child and begged for mercy; but the widow laughed
+immoderately while she was decorating him with the wool. When released,
+the lawyer fled to the door, and there stood his horse in much the same
+condition as himself. He mounted and rode wildly away; the widow calling
+after him, 'Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! be sure to come back and get your money
+to-morrow!'"
+
+"Did you ever hear the like?" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"No; never!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"And so Mr. Pate was the man on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Hush!" exclaimed Cleopatra, who was sitting at a window. "Here is Mr.
+Love."
+
+"Hush!" said Theodosia, "Here is Mr. Dove."
+
+"Hush!" said Sophonisba. "Here is Mr. Bliss."
+
+"They are Mr. Pate's particular friends," said Mrs. Foot. "It will not
+do to say anything about him before them,--it might hurt their feelings.
+Let us talk about something else."
+
+The three little men now entered the room, and Toney and the Professor
+arose, and, bowing to the ladies, withdrew. They walked together until
+they reached Toney's office, when the Professor said, "Well, Toney, I
+can now face the five respectable maiden ladies without trepidation.
+Eureka! eureka! Good-by, old fellow."
+
+"Good-by," said Toney, laughing. And he entered his office, while the
+Professor proceeded with rapid strides towards his boarding-house.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+
+
+Circumstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the extraordinary
+statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the preceding chapter. It was now
+recollected that no other horse and rider had been observed to come from
+the direction of the Widow Wild's mansion during the day on which it was
+known that the lawyer had gone thither to see that eccentric lady in
+reference to Clement's claim. For about a week subsequent M. T. Pate was
+said to be confined to his house by sickness; and when his friends
+called to inquire after his health, they were told by his housekeeper
+that he declined to receive any visitors. When he again appeared in
+public it was noticed that he traveled as a pedestrian; and several
+youths, curious to know what had become of old Whitey, having
+clandestinely visited the stable which he had always occupied, upon
+peeping through a crevice in the door were astonished at beholding in a
+stall a horse which was as hairless as a Chinese dog of the edible
+species. They promulgated the opinion that old Whitey had been subjected
+to a tonsorial operation, and that his hair had been closely shaven off
+by a razor or some other sharp instrument. Another link in the chain of
+circumstances was the fact that M. T. Pate now wore a wig; and calling
+at the house of Mrs. Hobbs on a certain afternoon, a little daughter of
+that lady ran into the room and was taken by the lawyer on his lap. The
+innocent child playfully caught hold of Pate's locks, and screamed with
+horror at beholding the top of his head coming off. The child was
+carried out, vociferously shrieking, and from that day would never
+venture in the room when the lawyer visited the house. Although Pate
+quickly replaced his wig, the observant Mrs. Hobbs had discovered the
+entire nudity of his noddle; and, with all convenient speed, repairing
+to the house of Mrs. Foot, gave a detailed account of the catastrophe
+which had so frightened her little daughter; emphatically asserting
+that all the hair which once grew on the sides of Mr. Pate's head had
+mysteriously disappeared, and that his head, deprived of the wig, was as
+smooth and depilous as a pumpkin.
+
+Notwithstanding the strange rumors in relation to his ride on the Woolly
+Horse, the manners of Mr. Pate in the presence of the gentler sex were
+so bland and fascinating that he soon recovered his popularity in the
+social circle. The wig, which he now wore, had greatly improved his
+personal appearance, and transformed him into quite a handsome man. In a
+few weeks the excitement produced by the startling apparition of the
+bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse had subsided, and other subjects
+occupied the public mind. Old Whitey was still invisible, but Pate moved
+about on foot, and was frequently seen escorting the young ladies of the
+town, on their promenades, and to social parties and places of
+amusement.
+
+On a bright Sabbath morning Toney walked with the Professor to the fine
+old church, which had been built in colonial times, on the suburbs of
+the town. The pastor failed to appear; but M. T. Pate ascended the
+pulpit and read the usual prayers, together with several chapters from
+the Bible, and gave out the first and fourth verses of Part 13 of the
+ninety-seventh selection of Psalms. When Pate joined in the exercises
+with his loud bass voice, the singing was very interesting and
+impressive; especially when they came to the last two lines.
+
+After the services were concluded, he came down into the aisle, and
+gradually made his way to the door, surrounded by the female portion of
+the congregation. He seemed to be endeavoring to talk to more than a
+dozen ladies at the same time, and each of them appeared anxious to get
+nearest to his honored person. His manner in the pulpit had been most
+solemn and impressive; but now he had put off his clerical gravity, and
+was exceedingly merry and gallant; while his little pleasantries were
+delivered
+
+
+     "In such apt and gracious words
+     That aged ears play truant at his tales,
+     And younger hearings are quite ravished;
+     So sweet and voluble is his discourse."
+
+
+But it was quite evident that he gave a decided preference to the
+younger and prettier portion of this circle of his female admirers. He
+was soon seen to march off with a nice young lady hanging on his arm.
+
+"Who is that beautiful girl whom the parson's proxy has captured and is
+carrying off?" said the Professor to Toney.
+
+"It is Miss Juliet Singleton, the daughter of the wealthy old gentleman
+who lives in the rural retreat on the top of yonder hill."
+
+"There is a young gentleman standing with his arms folded and his back
+against a tree, who does not seem to have much of the milk of human
+kindness in his bosom just at this moment," said the Professor, pointing
+to a stalwart young man, who was gazing at Pate and his fair companion
+with eyes in which indignation was plainly expressed.
+
+"It is Juliet's discarded lover," said Toney, "and, by a singular
+coincidence, his name is Romeo."
+
+"A discarded lover is usually of a very ferocious disposition."
+
+"Especially when he sees his rival walk off with the object of his
+affections."
+
+"I know of no more savage animal, unless it be a man with the toothache.
+If I were walking in Mr. Pate's boots I would not like to meet that
+Romeo,--what's his cognomen?"
+
+"Lawton."
+
+"I would not like to meet Lawton in a lonely place upon my return from
+Juliet's abode. After beholding the menacing aspect of Romeo's visage, I
+think it highly probable that I shall, to-night, dream of M. T. Pate
+wending his way homeward with a pair of black eyes. How did it happen
+that Pate succeeded in stealing the affections of Juliet from that young
+man, who must be very handsome when he is not so diabolically
+ferocious?"
+
+"Immediately subsequent to Pate's return from Bella Vista he discovered
+that Romeo was visiting Juliet----"
+
+"With the obsolete idea of connubial felicity in his head, I suppose?"
+
+"Juliet seemed to dote on her adorer. Love and Dove had serenaded her
+in vain. Bliss had visited her, but she regarded him not. It was
+therefore a matter of astonishment to all the gossips, male and female,
+when they learned that, in a few weeks after M. T. Pate became
+acquainted with her, Romeo was a discarded lover."
+
+"Poor Romeo! He had a perception of the miraculous power of superior
+genius. What are Pate's intentions? Does he propose to lead the young
+lady to the hymeneal altar?"
+
+"Of course not. He is the founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, and is merely performing his duty. His object is to prevent
+a marriage."
+
+"I must consult the five respectable maiden ladies in relation to this
+peculiar case," said the Professor. And bidding Toney good-morning, he
+walked towards his boarding-house.
+
+During the above conversation, Pate was escorting the beautiful Juliet
+to her abode. His attentions to this young lady were extraordinary.
+Every evening he was seated by her side. In the mornings they would take
+long and romantic walks to gather wild flowers in the forest; and in the
+afternoons they had many pleasant drives in his buggy; he having
+purchased a magnificent gray horse as a substitute for the invisible
+Whitey.
+
+He soon discovered that the young lady was exceedingly sentimental, and
+liked to listen to conversations in which love was the prominent topic.
+So he adopted a euphuistic style of speech, and became a successful
+imitator of Sir Piercie Shafton. He would address her as his adorable
+perfection; would sometimes lift her fair fingers to his lips; and,
+occasionally, in a sort of rehearsal, would go down on his knees and
+show her how love ought to be made. On one occasion the Irish servant
+found Pate in this attitude in the parlor, and hastily retreated,
+believing that he was making a proposal of marriage. She told her master
+that Miss Juliet was seated in a rocking-chair, and that Pate was
+kneeling before her, and praying to her as if she was the Blessed
+Virgin, and that she had heard him ask Juliet if she had no heart "at
+all, at all." The old gentleman was wonderfully pleased, when he
+received this information, at the prospect of soon having so
+accomplished a son-in-law. Pate inserted many pretty verses, which had
+been written for him by a young poet, in the lady's album; and on one
+occasion, when he was absent from home, wrote her a number of
+sentimental letters, in one of which he spoke of the promise which he
+had made to her, and which he would never forget. On the seal, which he
+had used, were engraved the figures of two doves putting their bills
+together, as if in the act of exchanging a connubial kiss. In fact, so
+assiduous were his intentions, and so numerous his rehearsals of
+courtship, that the simple-minded girl actually believed that he had
+made her a promise of marriage, and that he was the man who had been
+predestined, from the beginning of the world, to be her wedded lord.
+
+There was a sweet, sequestered spot near her father's mansion, where a
+number of trees threw a delightful shade over a bubbling fountain. Under
+the trees was a rustic bench; and this was a favorite resort of the fair
+Juliet, where she was often found by Pate sitting in the moonlight, and,
+usually, in a very sentimental mood. One evening, just after twilight,
+she not being at the house, he proceeded to the fountain, and discovered
+her sitting on the rustic seat. She seemed pensive, and, when he spoke
+to her, only answered with a deep sigh. He seated himself by her side
+and inquired into the cause of her melancholy; but there was no
+response. He took her left hand in his and lifted it to his lips. As
+with tender devotion he was about to imprint an impassioned kiss, she
+drew suddenly back, and dealt him a powerful blow, with her right fist,
+under the eye, which knocked him from his seat, and he fell on the
+ground. She then sprang to her feet, and, drawing a bludgeon from
+beneath her garments, commenced beating him cruelly, regardless of his
+cries for mercy, until, at last, he was stunned by the shower of blows
+which descended in rapid succession, and lay senseless on the earth.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+
+
+When Pate became conscious he was in bed, having been carried home by
+some laborers, who found him in a sad condition, and thought at first
+that he was a murdered man. A doctor sat by his side, who had bandaged
+his wounds and bruises, and given proper attention to an arm which had
+been broken. It was many weeks before he could leave his house; and when
+he went abroad his bosom was boiling with indignation at the treatment
+which he had received at the hands of the fair Juliet, who, he believed,
+was a fiend or a fury in disguise.
+
+So intense was his anger at the conduct of the beautiful Amazon that he
+treated her with the greatest indignity, and, when he met her at church,
+turned his back on her with a scornful curl of his lip. He publicly
+accused her of an atrocious assault on his person, and said that she had
+first knocked him down with her fist, and had then broken his arm, and
+attempted to murder him with a heavy bludgeon.
+
+The greatest enemy which a man may have is the little organ which lies
+in his mouth just behind his teeth. The experience of M. T. Pate
+unfolded this truth when, one morning, the sheriff of the county called
+upon him with two interesting documents. The one was a writ of summons
+in an action for slander, and the other a similar process in a suit for
+breach of promise of marriage. He had accused the fair Juliet of an
+assault on him with intent to murder, which accusation, if true, would
+subject her to a criminal prosecution. The words spoken were therefore
+actionable. He had also treated her with contempt; and the poet tells us
+that
+
+
+     "Hell holds no fury like a woman scorned."
+
+
+By the advice of her father, who was greatly enraged at the treatment
+which his daughter had received, both suits had been instituted.
+
+When the day of trial arrived, there was an immense crowd in the hall
+of justice, all of whom sympathized with the young lady. In the action
+for slander, Pate had pleaded the truth in justification. By the rules
+of pleading, in so doing he admitted the speaking of the words
+complained of, and undertook to prove that they were true. But to his
+utter dismay he had no witnesses to establish the proof, as no one but
+Juliet and himself were present when the assault was made upon him. To
+put him in a worse position before the jury, the fair plaintiff
+succeeded in proving an alibi, by calling several witnesses to the stand
+who swore that, on the very evening when the assault was alleged to have
+been committed at the fountain under the trees, Juliet was some ten
+miles away at the house of her grandmother. Pate, when he heard this
+testimony, was immeasurably shocked at the corruption and villainy of
+mankind; for had he not sat by her side on the rustic bench? had he not
+taken her fair hand in his own and lifted it to his lips? had he not
+felt the blow from her fist which had knocked him from his seat? had he
+not beheld her standing over him with her garments fluttering in his
+face, and the terrible cudgel in her hand? had he not besought the
+infuriated Amazon to have mercy on him, while she was ruthlessly beating
+him, until he became insensible?--and now these false and perjured
+witnesses, bribed, no doubt, by her father's money, had sworn that she
+was some ten miles distant from the scene of the outrage!
+
+Pate being unable to establish the truth in justification, the counsel
+for the plaintiff took occasion to arouse the indignation of the jury
+against the defendant. He traveled beyond the evidence, as zealous
+advocates will often do, and told them that this man had basely
+slandered a respectable young lady in order to extenuate his own
+dishonorable conduct in trifling with her affections by shamefully
+violating his promise of marriage. He called the attention of the jury
+to the absurdity of the charge which Pate, by his plea, alleged to be
+true. Could any sane person believe that a young lady, with a hand so
+small and delicate, could double her fist and knock down a bulky man
+like Pate, and then beat him unmercifully with a heavy bludgeon? And
+where was the proof of the allegation in the defendant's plea? While he
+had produced no evidence in support of his preposterous charge, the
+plaintiff had demonstrated its falsity by establishing an alibi. In a
+peroration, abounding in vituperation, he then demanded vindictive
+damages as a punishment for this base and abominable slander. When he
+had closed his argument, the feelings of the jury were so excited that
+they retired, and in a few moments returned, with a verdict awarding
+twelve thousand dollars to the plaintiff as damages for the injury which
+she had sustained.
+
+On the following day the suit for breach of promise of marriage was
+tried. As men seldom make promises of marriage in the presence of
+witnesses, in actions of this sort much of the proof is inferential. It
+was proved that Pate was in constant attendance on the young lady; that
+every evening he was seated by her side in her father's parlor, or
+taking romantic walks in her company, by moonlight, with her arm locked
+in his own; that in the morning he would walk with her to gather wild
+flowers in the forest; that in the afternoon he would be seen riding
+with her in lonely and unfrequented roads; and several witnesses swore
+that they had seen him on his knees before her, apparently making a most
+tender appeal. The Irishwoman testified to the scene in the
+rocking-chair, and said that he was praying to her, and asking her "if
+she had no heart at all, at all." The woman was asked if she could
+recollect what day it was on which she had witnessed the scene in the
+rocking-chair. She said it was the twenty-first day of May, because on
+that day the bantam hen had hatched a brood of chickens, and she had
+marked the date of the successful incubation on the top of the hen-coop.
+A letter, from Pate to Juliet, was then produced, dated the twenty-fifth
+of May, in which he spoke of the promise he had made her, and which he
+would never forget. The nature of this promise was not explained by the
+context; but so powerful was the impression made on the minds of the
+jury, that, after the closing argument of the counsel for the plaintiff,
+in which the character of M. T. Pate was torn to tatters, they retired,
+and soon returned with a verdict awarding damages to the injured lady to
+the amount of twenty thousand dollars.
+
+In each case a motion for a new trial failed, and the judgments were
+soon followed by executions, under which the whole of Pate's property
+was seized and sold. He bore his reverses with fortitude until he saw
+old Whitey under the auctioneer's hammer, when his firmness forsook him,
+and he was seen to shed tears. When the judgments were satisfied but a
+small sum remained. Pate was compelled to remove from his beautiful
+residence, and obtained lodgings in the boarding-house where the
+Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies had dwelt for many
+months.
+
+Not long afterwards he was informed by one of the respectable maiden
+ladies that Juliet, with the proceeds arising from the sale of his real
+and personal estate in her possession, had been married to Romeo, to
+whom she had become reconciled. M. T. Pate had no ill feelings towards
+this young man, and could not help pitying him. He predicted, in the
+presence of the Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies, that
+Romeo would be murdered by Juliet, in cold blood, before the end of the
+honeymoon.
+
+At the very moment when Pate was predicting this homicide, the young
+wife was seated by Romeo's side on the rustic bench by the fountain. One
+arm was around Romeo's neck and her head rested fondly against his
+shoulder. And it so happened that their conversation was about M. T.
+Pate.
+
+"And he asserted," said Juliet, "that on this very spot he was
+dreadfully beaten. How strange that a man, who reads the prayers from
+the pulpit, should tell such a falsehood!"
+
+"Dearest Juliet," said Romeo, "Mr. Pate did not tell a falsehood."
+
+"Oh, Romeo! can you believe that man's story?"
+
+"Indeed, I do."
+
+"Believe that Mr. Pate was beaten?"
+
+"Yes; dreadfully beaten."
+
+"By me?"
+
+"No; not by you."
+
+"By whom?"
+
+"By him who is now your loving husband."
+
+"By you?"
+
+"Yes; by me. When I heard that you had been suddenly called from home to
+attend upon your grandmother, who was sick, I clothed myself in female
+attire, and seated myself on this bench, to settle accounts with M. T.
+Pate. It was this arm which dealt him the blow under the eye, and
+afterwards wielded the cudgel which bruised his body and fractured his
+limb."
+
+"Oh, Romeo! you nearly murdered him."
+
+"Had it not been for the approach of the laborers I would have murdered
+him!"
+
+"You would?"
+
+"Dearest Juliet, I loved you so that I would have murdered twenty men
+for your sake!"
+
+Juliet threw her arms around Romeo's neck and kissed him a countless
+multitude of times; and, strange as it may seem, she loved her husband
+more deeply after he had confessed that he was capable of committing
+twenty homicides for her sake.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV.
+
+
+The marriage of Juliet to Romeo had made one young man supremely happy,
+and another intensely miserable. At a distance of about three miles from
+the residence of the fair Juliet dwelt Farmer Lovegood, having an only
+son, who, as he grew up, looked so like a picture of the leader of the
+Israelites in the farmer's old family Bible, that he was called Moses by
+common consent, and was soon known by no other name. This
+unsophisticated youth had always been remarkable for bashfulness in the
+presence of the opposite sex. So vividly had his imagination depicted
+the horrors of a captivity in the hands of these merciless foes of the
+masculine gender that, at the first glimpse of a petticoat, he would
+frequently glide away as if he had beheld "the devil in disguise." But
+on a certain Sabbath he saw the beautiful Juliet, seated in her father's
+pew, and was cruelly enamored. He became a regular attendant at the
+church; but instead of joining in the devotions of the congregation, he
+sat in a corner and silently worshiped the lovely owner of the pair of
+blue eyes and golden tresses. During the week he profoundly meditated on
+the beauty of Juliet, and on each successive Sunday repaired to the
+church, and devoutly adored her in the seclusion of his corner.
+
+At length Moses manfully resolves on a pilgrimage to the hallowed spot
+which holds the object of his adoration. Accordingly he starts from his
+rural home, and, with infinite toil, wends his way in solitude beneath
+the silvery light of the twinkling stars, through tangled thickets and
+thorny fields; floundering through bogs and briers, and tumbling over
+snake-fences, with thoughts so delicious that, could they have escaped
+from his bosom and taken a beautiful embodiment, they would have planted
+his pathway with flowers as sweet as if steeped in the honeyed dews of
+Hymettus. And now he comes in view of the mansion in which dwells the
+lovely idol of his worship. He stands beneath the spreading boughs of
+the trees which shade the sacred spot. He sees the lights within the
+neatly-furnished parlor. He even hears the siren song of the
+enchantress, giving utterance to the sweet emotions of her soul, as if
+magnetically informed of his approach and inviting him to enter. But he
+pauses. His faculties are seized with a sudden panic, like raw recruits
+when first brought into action. His heart palpitates, and, with a
+pit-a-pat motion, comes mounting up to his mouth. His joints tremble. He
+walks to and fro under the trees, like a fellow sent upon a fool's
+errand, who has forgotten his message. Finally the lights disappear, and
+the fair Juliet has retired to rest, while the toil-worn swain proceeds
+homeward, breathless, and faint, and leaning upon his hickory cudgel.
+Moses made many nightly pilgrimages in the same manner, and with similar
+results; until, one morning, he accidentally heard that Juliet was
+married to Romeo.
+
+The unfortunate Moses now became intimately acquainted with misery.
+Sleep forsook his pillow, and after several nights of wakefulness, he
+began to meditate upon the various methods of putting one's self to
+death; but for a number of days his conclusions were unsatisfactory. He
+put the muzzle of a pistol in his mouth, but there was a mutiny among
+his fingers, and they rebelliously refused to obey his will, and pull
+the trigger. He seated himself on a beam in his father's barn, with one
+end of a rope around his neck and the other securely fastened to the
+beam, when he suddenly recollected that a man who is hanged usually
+turns black in the face and presents a hideous appearance. He stood on a
+brow of a precipice, overhanging a deep and turbid stream, and was about
+to leap into the water below, when he recoiled with horror at the
+prospect of being eaten by the fishes, and thus deprived of decent
+sepulture.
+
+Moses now wisely determined to pass away without any unnecessary
+suffering. He supposed that on the shelves of the apothecary, in
+Mapleton, were potent drugs which would put him in a condition of
+somnolency, during which he could easily glide out of this sublunary
+state of existence. So he proceeded to the town, and having procured the
+proper material for his purpose, was hurrying homeward with deadly
+intent, when he inadvertently ran against a man who was standing in the
+street reading a newspaper to a crowd of people. The rapidity with which
+Moses was walking caused him to collide with great force, and nearly
+overthrew the reader of the paper. The man turned round, and, grasping
+Moses by the collar, shook him fiercely.
+
+"I beg pardon!" exclaimed Moses, aroused, by the rude shaking he had
+received, to a consciousness of his surroundings,--"I beg pardon! I did
+not see."
+
+"Did not see!" said the man. "Where are your eyes that you can't see a
+whole crowd of people?"
+
+"I beg pardon!" reiterated Moses, meekly.
+
+"It is granted; but mind how you walk next time!" And with this
+admonition, the man resumed the reading of the paper, as follows:
+
+"Immense discoveries in the placers! Captain M. reported to have already
+fifteen barrels buried!"
+
+"Fifteen barrels of what?" asked Moses of a man standing near him, and
+who happened to be M. T. Pate.
+
+"Fifteen barrels of gold!" said Pate.
+
+"Of what?"
+
+"Of gold."
+
+"Have they discovered gold near Mapleton?"
+
+"No--no--not here."
+
+"Where, then?"
+
+"In California. Have you not heard the news? The papers have been full
+of the accounts for the last three weeks. Where have you been living?"
+
+"At home."
+
+"And not heard of the gold discoveries! People are digging out gold-dust
+by the barrel. In a week a man can become as rich as John Jacob Astor.
+We have formed a company and are going to California as soon as the ship
+is ready to sail."
+
+"I would like to go," said Moses.
+
+"You can join our company."
+
+"I will go," said Moses.
+
+"Come along with me," said Pate. And he conducted his recruit to a room
+where several members of his company were assembled. Here Moses was
+introduced to Wiggins, Love, and Dove, and a long and earnest
+conversation ensued; after which Moses signed a paper purporting to be
+the constitution of a mining association; to which were already
+subscribed the names of the persons present, and also of Messrs Botts,
+Perch, and Bliss.
+
+"When does the ship sail?" asked Moses.
+
+"In about a week," said Wiggins.
+
+"We leave Mapleton to-morrow," said Pate. "We must be in the city to
+make arrangements for the voyage."
+
+"I wish we were off," said Moses. "I will go home and bid my father
+farewell, and come here to-night."
+
+Moses hurried home, and on the way threw the deadly drug, which he had
+purchased of the apothecary, into a stream of water to poison the
+fishes. He thought no more of suicide. Avarice had entered his soul, and
+expelled another powerful passion, which had been impelling him to the
+commission of _felo de se_. Love, like a cruel leopard, had clutched the
+heart of Moses, when Avarice, like a mighty lion, appeared and
+compelled the leopard to abandon its prey.
+
+The father of Moses had already heard of the wonderful discoveries of
+gold on the Pacific coast, and was willing that his son should go
+thither and secure his fortune. The parent was a pious man, and he bade
+Moses kneel before him, while he laid his hands on his head and gave him
+his blessing. He then proceeded to his barn, and procuring two sacks
+made of stout canvas and each capable of containing a couple of bushels,
+he presented them to Moses, saying,--
+
+"My son, be not greedy of gold. Moderate your desires; and when you have
+filled these two sacks return again to your father's house."
+
+Moses dutifully vowed obedience to the injunctions of his venerable
+sire. He received the sacks with a light heart, for he felt that light
+was the task imposed upon him. He departed with the pleasing
+anticipation of a brief sojourn in the distant land and a speedy return
+to the halls of his ancestors.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV.
+
+
+"It was the saddest hour of my life when I parted from Rosabel," said
+Toney to the Professor, as they stood on the platform at the railway in
+Mapleton waiting for the train which was to convey them to the
+Monumental City, where they were to embark for California.
+
+"Rosabel was willing that you should go?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The dear girl wept as if her heart was breaking. I never knew how
+deeply I loved her until then. Only to think that I may be absent for
+five years! But we both thought that it was better that I should go."
+
+"And make the hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"There can be no hope of our union until I have the hundred thousand
+dollars. You know the Widow Wild's eccentricity."
+
+"That woman is a profound mystery. And Tom Seddon, whom we expect in the
+train,--do you think that he can part from Ida?"
+
+"Poor Tom's situation is like mine. He can never hope to marry Ida while
+her uncle is alive, unless he has an ample fortune."
+
+"You refer to the old Cerberus, who used to pretend to have fits of
+canine rabies, and drive Tom out of the house?"
+
+"He has entirely excluded Tom from the house."
+
+"Where does Tom manage to see Ida?"
+
+"At Colonel Hazlewood's residence. Ida is the only companion of Claribel
+and Imogen, who see no other company."
+
+"See no company! They used to be gay enough."
+
+"When Clarence and Harry went to Mexico, they secluded themselves from
+society."
+
+"What has become of those young men? They did not return when the troops
+came back from Mexico."
+
+"At the battle of Molino del Rey, where both were distinguished for
+heroic daring, Clarence was badly wounded; and, after our army entered
+the City of Mexico, he was in the hospital for several months, and was
+tenderly nursed by Harry until he recovered. When peace was concluded,
+and the army was about to march back to Vera Cruz, they resigned their
+commissions and proceeded to the port of Acapulco on the Pacific coast.
+Since then there have been no tidings of them."
+
+"Look yonder!" said the Professor. "Are they going to California?"
+
+Toney's eyes followed the direction indicated by the Professor's finger,
+and beheld what seemed like a procession of giants. In front towered
+Mrs. Foot by the side of her tremendous husband; while behind them
+walked the three stupendous sisters, followed by Hercules, who brought
+up the rear.
+
+"A fine morning, Mrs. Foot," said Toney.
+
+"How do you do, Mr. Belton?" said the towering lady. "Have you seen Mr.
+Love?"
+
+"He has gone to the city to embark for California," said Toney.
+
+"He has!" exclaimed Mrs. Foot. "And Dove? And Bliss?"
+
+"Gone with Mr. Love," said Toney.
+
+"I told you so!" said Gideon Foot, looking around at the young giantess
+in his rear.
+
+"Going to California--are they?" cried Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Yes, madam," said Toney.
+
+"If I catch Dove I'll wring his neck!" said the gigantic Gideon.
+
+"Oh, father!" exclaimed Theodosia.
+
+"Come!" said Gideon, gruffly. "Yonder is the train!"
+
+The harsh scream of a steam whistle was heard, and a train of cars
+thundered up to the platform. Gideon Foot and his family went on board,
+and were followed by Toney and the Professor, who found Tom Seddon,
+seated in a car, looking pale and melancholy. After an exchange of
+salutations, poor Tom relapsed into silence, for he was thinking of Ida.
+Toney was also extremely taciturn, and hardly uttered a word until they
+reached the depot in the suburbs of the city. Here they took a carriage,
+and were driven directly to where the ship lay at the wharf, and went on
+board,--their arrangements having been made on a former visit to this
+beautiful metropolis of Maryland.
+
+Mrs. Foot and her three daughters proceeded to the residence of her
+sister, who lived in the city, and was the wife of a Mr. Sampson. Gideon
+and Hercules went in search of Love, Dove, and Bliss. In about an hour
+they encountered these three adventurous gold-hunters daintily dressed,
+with nice silk hats on their heads, and polished French leather on their
+lower extremities. Each had white kid gloves on his hands, and carried a
+slender cane, with which he occasionally tapped the toe of his boot.
+They looked like little bridegrooms going to be married.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Love," said Gideon, blandly.
+
+"I am glad to see you, Mr. Foot," said Love. And he and his two
+companions shook hands with Gideon and Hercules.
+
+"You seem to be in a hurry," said Gideon.
+
+"The ship sails to-day, and we must be aboard," said Love.
+
+"Going to California?" said Gideon.
+
+"Yes; going to dig gold," said Love. And he and Dove tapped the toes of
+their boots with their little canes, while Bliss pulled off his new silk
+hat and smoothed his odoriferous locks.
+
+"Hercules is going," said Gideon.
+
+"Are you, indeed?" asked Love, looking up at Hercules.
+
+"Yes," said Hercules, "as soon as I have bid my mother good-by."
+
+"Is Mrs. Foot in town?" inquired Love.
+
+"She is, and would be so glad to see you," said Gideon. "Come with us
+and bid Mrs. Foot good-by, and Hercules will go with you to the ship."
+
+"Let us go and bid Mrs. Foot good-by," said Love, looking at his two
+companions.
+
+"We will go," said Dove.
+
+"Let us go," said Bliss.
+
+"Come," said Gideon. And the three little men accompanied the gigantic
+father and son to the residence of Mrs. Sampson. They entered the house,
+and were conducted by Gideon, through a large front apartment, to a back
+parlor, which communicated, by a door, with a room in the rear.
+
+"Take seats, gentlemen," said Gideon. "Mrs. Foot will be with you in a
+moment."
+
+Gideon returned to the hall where Hercules was waiting.
+
+"Go fetch the parson," said Gideon. "Make haste!"
+
+Hercules hurried away, and Gideon returned to the back parlor and locked
+both doors. He then stood in the middle of the floor and elevated
+himself to his full height, so that his head almost seemed to touch the
+low ceiling, as he gazed sternly at Love, Dove, and Bliss, who sat on a
+sofa, and who now began to tremble.
+
+"Look here!" said Gideon, "I am a man of few words. Do you know what you
+have got to do?"
+
+"What?" said Love, looking dreadfully frightened.
+
+"You three fellows have been hanging around my daughters for the last
+six months," said Gideon. "You have come to the house in the morning;
+you have come in the afternoon; you have come at all hours, and the
+girls have had no time to do any household work on account of you. Even
+at night, when they were in bed, you would be under their windows making
+more noise than so many tomcats with your serenades. Now, what do you
+intend to do?"
+
+"Nothing," said little Love, very meekly.
+
+"Nothing!" exclaimed the gigantic Gideon Foot. "Nothing! Just say that
+again and I will wring your neck! Come! I'll have no fooling! You have
+got to marry my three daughters!"
+
+The eyes of the three little men widely dilated, and were fixed on
+Gideon's towering form, but their tongues were silent; they were dumb
+with terror.
+
+"You have got just ten minutes to make up your minds. If you don't agree
+to marry my daughters, I will come back in ten minutes and wring your
+necks."
+
+Gideon left the room and locked the door.
+
+"What shall we do?" said Love.
+
+"He has locked the door," said Dove.
+
+"He'll murder us!" said Bliss.
+
+"We had better marry the young ladies," said Love.
+
+"You will take Cleopatra," said Dove.
+
+"And you will take Theodosia," said Love.
+
+"And Bliss will marry Sophonisba," said Dove.
+
+The three little men now held a hurried consultation, and were
+unanimously in favor of matrimony, when Gideon opened the door.
+
+"Your ten minutes are out," said Gideon.
+
+"We have agreed to be married," said Love.
+
+"Very good," said Gideon. "The parson is waiting in the front room, and
+I have the three licenses in my pocket. Which one do you marry?"
+
+"Cleopatra," said Love.
+
+Gideon went to the door opening into the back room, and unlocking it,
+put his head through and uttered a few words. Cleopatra came forth,
+blushing.
+
+"Stand up!" said Gideon to Love.
+
+Love arose from his seat trembling from head to foot.
+
+"Take her arm," said Gideon. "That's right. Now, come along!"
+
+Gideon opened the door, and Love walked with Cleopatra into the front
+room, where stood the parson with his book open ready to make them man
+and wife. In a very brief space of time Love and Cleopatra were united
+in the holy bands of matrimony. The parson looked as if he expected to
+see the happy man salute his bride; but Love was unable to reach up, and
+Cleopatra did not bend down, and so this formality was not observed. The
+wedded pair walked into the back parlor, followed by Gideon, who turned
+to Dove and said,--
+
+"Whom do you marry?"
+
+"Theodosia, if you please," said Dove, with meek resignation.
+
+At the summons of Gideon, Theodosia appeared and was united to Dove, and
+then Sophonisba was married to Bliss. Mrs. Foot then rushed from the
+back room and fondly embraced her daughters, and also her three little
+sons.
+
+"There, now," said Gideon, "we are through with the business. Are the
+carriages at the door?" asked he of Hercules, who went out to ascertain
+if they had arrived.
+
+"We will go home in the next train," said Gideon.
+
+"Can't we go to California?" whimpered Love.
+
+"No," said Gideon, "of course not. You must go home with your wives."
+
+"And be happy," said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Hercules is going to California," said Gideon. "He can dig gold enough
+for the whole family."
+
+Hercules was standing in the street before the door, when Pate and
+Wiggins approached him.
+
+"Have you seen Mr. Love?" asked Pate.
+
+"He is in there," said Hercules, pointing to the house.
+
+"And Dove and Bliss?" said Pate.
+
+"In there with Love," said Hercules.
+
+"We have been looking for them," said Wiggins.
+
+"The ship will sail in a few hours, and they should be on board," said
+Pate.
+
+"I don't think they are going," said Hercules.
+
+"Not going!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"I think not," said Hercules.
+
+Two carriages were now driven up, and stopped in front of the house.
+The door opened, and out came Love hanging on the arm of Cleopatra.
+
+"Mr. Love! Mr. Love!" exclaimed Pate, "the ship is about to sail and you
+should be on board. Come with us."
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said Love, with a look of despair.
+
+"Come along!" said Cleopatra. And she and her little husband entered one
+of the carriages.
+
+"Good heavens!" ejaculated Pate.
+
+"Married!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"Mr. Dove! Mr. Dove! you will be left!" cried Pate, as Theodosia led her
+husband down the steps.
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said poor Dove, as his wife conducted him to
+the carriage.
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Bliss, you will be left behind!" said Pate, as Bliss and
+his bride descended the steps.
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said the little man, dolefully, as
+Sophonisba led him to the carriage.
+
+"All married!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"What does it mean?" said Pate.
+
+"Good-by, Hercules," said Gideon.
+
+"God bless you, my son," said Mrs. Foot. And she threw her arms around
+his neck and kissed him.
+
+"Good-by, father! good-by, mother!" said Hercules. And then he rushed to
+one of the carriages, and putting in his head, exclaimed, "Good-by,
+sisters! good-by, little brothers!"
+
+The three brides kissed Hercules and wept, while their husbands shook
+him by the hand. After many fond embraces and wishes for his welfare the
+carriages were driven off, leaving Hercules standing in the street, with
+Wiggins and Pate gazing up at him with looks of perplexity.
+
+"Are you going to California?" asked Pate.
+
+"I am," said the giant, wiping the tears from his eyes.
+
+"And Love, Dove, and Bliss are not going?" said Wiggins.
+
+"No; they have married my sisters, and are going home to be happy," said
+Hercules. And he wiped away some more tears that came into his eyes.
+
+"What made them marry your sisters?" asked Pate.
+
+"I reckon it was because they loved them," said Hercules.
+
+"They should have given us notice," said Wiggins.
+
+"We have lost three men from our company," said Pate.
+
+"Did my little brothers belong to your company?" asked Hercules.
+
+"They did," said Pate.
+
+"And have left us without giving notice," said Wiggins.
+
+"Will you take me in their places?" said Hercules. "I can dig more gold
+than they could."
+
+"Will you join our company?" asked Pate.
+
+"Yes, if you will give me as much gold as my three little brothers were
+to get. I can do more digging than all three of them."
+
+"So he can," said Wiggins.
+
+"I have no doubt of it," said Pate, looking at the towering form and
+broad shoulders of the giant with enthusiastic admiration.
+
+After a brief conference, the proposition of Hercules was acceded to,
+and the three gold-hunters hurried on board the vessel, which was about
+to spread her white wings, and proceed on her way to the land where
+rivers were said to be rolling between banks of golden sands, which
+glittered in the last rays of the setting sun.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI.
+
+
+As the ship moved away from the wharf, and was towed by the steam-tug
+into the stream, M. T. Pate stood upon the deck, humming a stanza of
+Byron's celebrated adieu to his native land, when he heard a strain of
+music as if coming from the clouds. From the foretop, in clear and
+mellifluous tones, was heard the following melody:
+
+
+     Farewell! farewell! but ever,
+       When wand'ring o'er the sea,
+     Though worlds of water sever,
+       This heart shall turn to thee.
+
+     Though thy sweet smile be hidden
+       Unto my soul so dear;
+     Though I be then forbidden
+       Thine angel voice to hear;
+
+     Though stern fate bid me wander
+       Away from thee afar,
+     Yet hope will turn the fonder
+       Unto its one bright star.
+
+     The bird that on the bough, love,
+       So sweetly sang of late,
+     Hath often been ere now, love,
+       Thus driven from his mate;
+
+     But still he wakes his song, love,
+       Returning there anew;
+     And thus, oh, thus, ere long, love,
+       Will I return to you.
+
+
+"A sweet little cherub sits up aloft to cheer us with his soothing
+symphony," said Professor to Toney.
+
+"It is Tom Seddon," said Toney, glancing upward. "Just now he climbed up
+the rigging, inserted his person through the lubber's hole, and seated
+himself in the foretop."
+
+"Where he is laudably exercising his lungs for the entertainment of the
+company below," said the Professor.
+
+"Poor Tom is not thinking of the company below," said Toney. "His
+thoughts are far away."
+
+"With Ida?" said the Professor. "Yet one of the company below seems to
+be wonderfully excited by his music. Did you ever hear such a clatter of
+hoofs?"
+
+"You refer to the young gentleman on the top of the cook's galley, who
+is occupied with certain saltatory movements which appear to be an
+awkward imitation of dancing?" said Toney.
+
+"Who is he?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Sam Perch," said Toney.
+
+"The verdant youth who is sometimes called the Long Green Boy?" said the
+Professor.
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"This extraordinary lad seems to possess the chameleon-like faculty of
+occasionally changing his color," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" said Toney.
+
+"He has ceased to be green for the present, and has become exceedingly
+_blue_."
+
+"Is punning allowable?" said Toney.
+
+"That depends entirely on circumstances," said the Professor. "If on dry
+land a man makes a pun in your presence, knock him down if you are
+able."
+
+"And at sea?" said Toney.
+
+"Pun away as much as you please. In Neptune's dominions the area of
+liberty is ample, and freedom of speech is seldom interfered with."
+
+"Do you recognize that solemn personage standing at the bow and gazing
+so intently over the broad waters?" said Toney.
+
+"It is Moses," said the Professor. "He hopes soon to get a glimpse of
+the land of promise."
+
+"I heard him tell Hercules just now that he only wanted four bushels of
+gold-dust,--two for himself and two for his father. He said that he
+expected to fill his two sacks in about a week after he reached the
+mines, and should then immediately start for home."
+
+"His absence will be of short duration," said the Professor. "But who is
+Hercules?"
+
+"The big fellow to whom Botts has just administered a potation from the
+black bottle which he now holds in his hand," said Toney.
+
+"The giant smacks his lips in approval at the quality of the contents,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"I certainly recognize that nose," said Toney, pointing to an individual
+whose face was covered with an impenetrable thicket of black beard,
+leaving only two twinkling eyes and his nasal protuberance visible.
+
+"That extraordinary nose belongs to William Wiggins," said the
+Professor.
+
+"To Rosebud?"
+
+"No longer Rosebud," said the Professor. "As soon as he came on board
+the sailors called him Old Grizzly. He will be known by no other name at
+sea, for when the jolly tars are in the nominative case, the designation
+they give a man always clings to him. Hereafter we may as well cease to
+call him Wiggins, and speak of him as Old Grizzly."
+
+"He must have been at enmity with the barbers for the last four weeks,"
+said Toney.
+
+"When he determined to seek his fortune in the auriferous regions of the
+far West, he made a solemn vow not to allow a razor to come in contact
+with his countenance until he had dug two barrels of gold, which he said
+was enough for any one man. So his beard must continue to grow longer
+until he gets his two barrels of gold."
+
+"It will be long enough before he gets the gold," said Toney.
+
+"Pun away boldly," said the Professor; "we are now on the water. But
+come, let us go below, and look after our goods and chattels."
+
+During the night the ship anchored in the bay; and next morning the
+pilot was sent off, and she stood out to sea.
+
+Coming on deck at an early hour in the morning, Toney and the Professor
+were watching the silvery spray darting off from the bow, when they
+heard a singular sound, as if proceeding from some huge sea-monster
+seized with a fit of the colic. Looking along the bulwarks, they beheld
+poor Hercules, with outstretched neck and dilated eyes, pouring out
+libations to the inexorable god of the seas. And soon, with pallid
+cheeks, M. T. Pate appeared, followed by the Long Green Boy, Old
+Grizzly, and Moses, who, with many others, silently glided to the side
+of the giant, who, as he stood thrusting out his head and neck with
+certain indescribable jerks, and towering above his companions, engaged
+in similar exercises, resembled some tall and bulky Shanghai rooster,
+with all his numerous progeny around him, grievously afflicted with that
+terrible visitation of the poultry-yard which hen-wives denominate the
+gapes.
+
+The Professor was a benevolent little fellow, with a high opinion of his
+medical skill; so he proceeded to the cabin, and brought forth a bottle
+containing a beverage much more potent than that in which Adam was
+accustomed to drink the health of Eve when in the garden of Eden. He
+first applied to Hercules; and holding the neck of the bottle in close
+proximity to his lips, earnestly exhorted him to try the infallible
+remedy of absorption, assuring him that it was a sovereign cure for his
+ailment in particular, as well as for nearly every other ill in this
+sublunary state of existence. But Hercules, grinning "horribly a ghastly
+grin," turned quickly away, and gave expression to his abhorrence of the
+proposition in loud and boisterous sounds, which seemed to come from the
+very bottom of a soul intimately acquainted with sorrow.
+
+The kind-hearted Professor then proceeded to the Long Green Boy, who was
+rapidly projecting out and drawing back his head in a horizontal
+direction, and giving utterance to a succession of sounds which
+resembled a small hurricane of hiccoughs. The verdant youth cast a look
+of disgust at the sparkling fluid, and waving his hand impatiently,
+turned away, and continued in the awkward but faithful performance of
+his part in the exercises of the morning. Moses gave the Professor a
+look of indignation, while Old Grizzly so far forgot himself as to
+advise the benevolent little fellow, in the emphatic phraseology usually
+employed by the sons of Belial, to locate himself in a certain remote
+quarter of the universe not proper to be mentioned to "ears polite."
+
+The Professor then entreated M. T. Pate to imbibe from the bottle
+containing his catholicon. But poor Pate was busily engaged in the
+performance of sundry remarkable and difficult evolutions; thrusting out
+and drawing in his head with unexampled vigor.
+
+"He is trying to swallow his own head," said Toney, taking the Professor
+aside and pointing to Pate.
+
+"And actually seems to entertain the most sanguine hopes of succeeding
+in his hazardous undertaking," said the Professor.
+
+"What undertaking?" asked Tom Seddon, who just then came on deck.
+
+"He is seeking to swallow his own cocoanut," said the Professor.
+
+"Who?" asked Tom.
+
+"M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Look at him! I am apprehensive that
+he will succeed."
+
+"You could not induce any of them to imbibe?" said Toney.
+
+"No," said the Professor; "they are teetotalers, and Hercules is the
+President of the association. Come, let me introduce you to the
+amphibious animals who inhabit the forecastle."
+
+The Professor and his two friends walked forward, and saw seated on the
+anchor an old sea-monster, with a very short pipe in his mouth. His
+original name was Timothy; but several reefs had been taken in it by his
+shipmates, and it had been finally tucked up into Tim.
+
+Tom Seddon, like most young lovers who have just parted from the objects
+of their affections, had a tender heart, and, pitying the old sailor
+reduced to the necessity of endangering the end of his nose when he
+performed the important ceremony of fumigation, handed him a pipe with a
+long stem.
+
+Old Tim examined this valuable present with a cool glance of criticism;
+and then proceeded to break the stem.
+
+"Don't," said Tom. "What are you doing?"
+
+"Too much timber!" said the old tar, laconically. And he broke off the
+stem within an inch of the bowl, which he filled with chips from a plug
+of tobacco; putting on top a live coal procured from the cook's galley.
+
+"That beats thunder!" said Tom.
+
+"Let him alone," said the Professor. "If he wants to give his proboscis
+the benefit of an auto da fe, it is his own business."
+
+"Look at him!" said Tom.
+
+"His nasal protuberance enveloped in vapor looks like an altar
+abundantly supplied with incense," said the Professor. "But who are
+those dusky gentlemen with whom Toney seems to be so intimate?"
+
+"This one is from the island of Madeira," said Toney.
+
+"Si, se�or," said the sailor.
+
+"His name is Pedro," said Toney.
+
+"Which being interpreted is Peter," said the Professor.
+
+"Pete," said Old Tim, with a puff at his pipe.
+
+"Probably that is a corruption of the text," said the Professor,
+suggestively.
+
+"And here is a Sardinian whose name is Pablo," said Toney.
+
+"Which when translated is Paul," said the Professor.
+
+"Jupiter!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, jumping back.
+
+"It is Jupiter's brother," said the Professor, as a huge head appeared
+over the bow, followed by an immense body, which had been down in the
+forechains. "Neptune is coming on board to give you a fraternal hug."
+
+"Old Nick!" said Tim, with another puff at his short pipe.
+
+"Old Nick?" said the Professor. "I was not aware that he was an aquatic
+animal. I had always understood that he delighted to dwell in another
+element."
+
+"Who is that lad running down the rigging?" said Tom to Timothy.
+
+"Young Nick," said the salt, with another puff at his pipe.
+
+"Old Nick and Young Nick!" said the Professor. "Undoubtedly these are
+nicknames bestowed on them for euphony."
+
+"What port is that?" asked Tim, taking the pipe from his mouth.
+
+"It lies on the south side of the Anonymous Islands," said the
+Professor.
+
+"I have been there," said Old Nick. "Sailed with Captain Morrell in the
+ship Tartar. Good port. Rum cheap and tobacco plenty."
+
+"I have no doubt of it," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat
+on a coil of rope, and, at the sound of the steward's bell summoning
+them to breakfast, walked with Toney and Tom to the cabin.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII.
+
+
+"Look at M. T. Pate," said Tom Seddon, as he sat with Toney and the
+Professor on deck one morning, about a week after they had been at sea.
+
+The ship was running at the rate of nine knots, with the wind on the
+quarter.
+
+"He treads as tremulously as a turkey condemned to the ordeal of
+tripping over a liberal sprinkling of hot ashes," said the Professor.
+
+"Getting his sea-legs," said Old Tim, as he toddled by with a rope in
+his hand.
+
+"Our venerable friend suggests that Pate is about to undergo a
+metamorphosis and become amphibious," said the Professor.
+
+"What are Wiggins and Botts doing yonder?" said Toney.
+
+"Hugging!" said Tom.
+
+"The hug of the Old Grizzly is dangerous," said the Professor.
+
+"And Perch and Hercules seem to have fraternized," said Toney.
+
+"The Long Green Boy is clinging to the giant as the vine clings to the
+oak," said the Professor.
+
+"Poor Moses!" said Toney.
+
+"Look at him!" said Tom.
+
+"His eyes are amply dilated," said the Professor.
+
+"He is afraid that the ship will be upset," said Tom.
+
+"How do you think that Pate would now perform on the light fantastic
+toe?" said Toney.
+
+"Speaking of that suggests an idea," said the Professor.
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"Next Thursday will be Washington's birthday," said the Professor.
+
+"Well?" said Toney.
+
+"Let us have a ball," said the Professor.
+
+"A ball!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"A ball!" cried Tom.
+
+"Yes," said the Professor, "let us have a ball for the fun of the
+thing."
+
+"We are the Funny Philosophers," said Toney.
+
+"Let us have the ball," said Tom.
+
+"But where are the ladies?" said Toney.
+
+"There are no representatives of these sweet 'wingless angels' on board
+except the captain's spouse," said the Professor.
+
+"Who has sailed in company with her weather-beaten consort for some
+twenty years," said Toney.
+
+"And is as good a seaman as himself," said Tom.
+
+"Do not be tossing the queen's English on the horns of an Irish bull,"
+said the Professor. "Yet what you say is measurably true; for when the
+venerable Timothy is more than ordinarily sad and susceptible of
+melancholy impressions, he is often heard to bitterly complain of his
+hard lot in being compelled to serve under a 'she boss,' who, he
+alleges, is the better man of the two."
+
+"I have no doubt," said Tom, "of the ability of this ancient lady to
+carry the ship safely through the dangers of the most difficult
+navigation."
+
+"But," said Toney, "I hardly suppose that she would be able to steer
+through the intricate mazes of a fashionable hop without the imminent
+danger of running aground."
+
+"Yet," said the Professor, "her presence on board relieves us from a
+perplexing dilemma."
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"There can be no doubt," said the Professor, "that in sundry sea-chests
+she has stowed away an incalculable quantity of female attire. Now, if I
+can but obtain the run of her wardrobe, the preparations for the ball
+will be made without difficulty."
+
+"Let us call a meeting in the cabin," said Toney.
+
+"A most excellent suggestion!" said the Professor. "Let the meeting be
+immediately convened."
+
+A meeting of the passengers resulted in a determination to have a grand
+ball in honor of the birthday of the immortal Washington, and the
+Professor was unanimously chosen to make the arrangements. He
+immediately entered upon the performance of his arduous and important
+duties. After a negotiation, which was conducted on his part with the
+skill of a consummate diplomatist, he succeeded in concluding an
+advantageous treaty with the captain's lady, and obtained an abundant
+supply of female apparel. A number of the most youthful of the
+passengers were then subjected to a tonsorial operation, obliterating
+every indication of a nascent beard from their features; after which
+they were arrayed in the garments obtained from the old lady's wardrobe.
+
+"Don't they look beautiful?" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Just like a bevy of blushing and modest maidens," said Toney.
+
+"The susceptible Long Green Boy has fallen in love with one of them
+already," said Tom.
+
+"I fear that he will again be the victim of a hopeless attachment," said
+Toney.
+
+"I regret the absence of Love and Dove," said the Professor.
+
+"What nice little ladies they would have made!" said Tom.
+
+"Their dancing days are over," said Toney.
+
+"Matrimony imposes important duties," said the Professor; "and the
+little Loves and Doves will soon claim their undivided attention."
+
+The ball-room was a long apartment, under the forecastle, called the
+forward cabin. It was illuminated by a number of lamps, which "shone
+o'er fair women and brave men" assembled to enjoy that "scene of revelry
+by night."
+
+"Look at Moses!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"The young man seems to be greatly terrified," said the Professor.
+
+"He is like one under an optical illusion," said Toney.
+
+"Moses believes he is now in the presence of more than a dozen beautiful
+women," said Tom.
+
+"And has shrunk timidly in a corner to avoid the observation of the
+enemy," said Toney.
+
+"He has attracted the attention of a young maiden who has fixed her
+bright glances on him, as if meditating mischief," said the Professor.
+
+"She is a bold girl," said Toney.
+
+"Strangely forgetful of the obvious rules of propriety!" said the
+Professor.
+
+"Poor Moses is protesting," said Toney.
+
+"But in vain; for she has grappled him around the waist," said Tom.
+
+"And is carrying him by main force into the middle of the floor," said
+Toney.
+
+"Was ever such vigor witnessed among virgins!" said Tom.
+
+"Never since the extinction of the Amazonian race!" said the Professor.
+
+"Moses and his partner lead off," said Toney.
+
+"Clear the way!" said Tom, as each gayly attired gallant selected a
+partner; and soon "the fun grew fast and furious."
+
+"Mr. Pate seems to be perfectly at home in the dance," said the
+Professor.
+
+"And so does the Long Green Boy," said Toney.
+
+"Old Grizzly is performing his part admirably," said Tom.
+
+"He is peeping from behind a masked battery of black beard upon the
+charms of his agreeable partner," said Toney.
+
+"The young lady should beware of his hug," said Tom.
+
+"The pair forcibly remind one of the old story of Beauty and the Beast,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"Hercules and the damsel with whom he is dancing require an immense
+amount of sea-room," said Toney.
+
+"Heads up!" exclaimed Tom. And, as he uttered this exclamation, the
+ship, which had been running on an even keel, gave a sudden lurch to the
+larboard, upsetting all the fun in an instant, and spoiling the poetry
+of motion.
+
+
+     "Ah, then and there was hurrying to and fro,"
+
+
+and Hercules pitched headforemost with his partner into a bunk. The
+indignant damsel arose and gave utterance to a wish the literal
+fulfillment of which would have found Hercules, poor fellow! sadly in
+need of the aid of an experienced oculist.
+
+After the ceremony of a general prostration there was a tumultuous rush
+for the companion-ladder. The Professor reached the deck, after having
+inadvertently perpetrated the atrocious outrage of tearing away a
+considerable portion of female finery from the person of a fair damsel
+who was boldly mounting ahead, and who bestowed upon him sundry
+benedictions of singular import. The first object he beheld was M. T.
+Pate on his knees in an attitude of supplication.
+
+"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"Now I lay me down to sleep!" ejaculated Pate, with extreme fervor.
+
+"What has happened?" cried Tom Seddon.
+
+"Now I lay me down to sleep!" reiterated Pate.
+
+"No time for praying! You had better cut your yarn short and lay hold on
+a rope," said the mate, in emphatic terms by no means in unison with
+Pate's devotional sentiments.
+
+"What's broke loose?" said Toney.
+
+"The ship has been taken aback!" cried the mate. And he rushed forward
+and commenced kicking old Tim, who was lying supinely on his back in a
+condition of somnolency.
+
+The crew had been inspired with patriotic emotions equal to those of the
+passengers, and, while getting up water from below, had discovered a
+case of brandy, and secretly conveyed it to the forecastle. Here the
+multitude of libations in honor of the father of his country had been
+productive of serious consequences.
+
+In the course of the evening the mate saw approaching one of those
+sudden squalls so common in those latitudes, and ordered all hands
+aloft. But he might as well have been issuing his orders to the inmates
+of a bedlam. There lay Timothy on the deck, a picture of perfect repose
+and innocent tranquillity. Peter and Paul were engaged in a hot
+controversy with Old Nick, whose youthful namesake was occupied with
+certain saltatory movements on the top of the forecastle. Just then the
+squall struck the ship and nearly carried the lee-rail under. In an
+instant the instincts of the sailor were aroused, and all had an idea
+that something was to be done; but there was a strange want of unanimity
+in reference to the measures proper to be adopted. Forth rushed the
+captain from his cabin; but his occupation was gone. There stood Old
+Nick, giving orders vociferously, evidently under the impression that he
+had been recently promoted and was an admiral of the _blue_. This daring
+usurper was finally disposed of by the second mate, who put himself in
+the attitude of a shoulder-striker and laid him at his length in an
+undignified position in the lee-scupper.
+
+It was then that the dancers from the ball-room rushed upon deck.
+These--ladies and all--laid hold on the ropes; and under the direction
+of the officers the canvas was taken in, and the vessel was relieved
+from her perilous situation and brought before the wind.
+
+"Great praise is due to the petticoats," said the Professor, "who, by
+laying aside their modesty and climbing into the rigging, materially
+assisted in saving the ship."
+
+"The women have behaved like men," said Toney.
+
+"Let us drink their health," said Tom.
+
+"That proposition is carried unanimously," said Toney. And they
+proceeded to the cabin and toasted the ladies over a bottle of wine.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating upon the immensity of the
+water contained in the ocean," said the Professor, one afternoon, as he
+pointed to Pate, who was leaning over the bulwarks apparently in a
+condition of mental abstraction.
+
+"It is probable that he is now calculating how long a period it would
+take to pump the Atlantic dry," said Toney.
+
+"Land ho!" cried a loud voice in the direction of the forecastle.
+
+There was a general rush forward at this announcement; and on the bow
+stood Peter, pointing with extended arm to some object which he asserted
+was land. But nobody could see it except himself; and Moses soon became
+skeptical, and finally declared that the fellow was a fool. This he
+demonstrated from the fact that Peter kept pointing to a dim cloud,
+about as big as the crown of his hat, with the absurd affirmation that
+it was _terra firma_. The opinion of Moses was warmly supported by M. T.
+Pate and others, who promulgated it with considerable emphasis. But
+Peter still stood at his post pointing prophetically afar off, and he
+now had Old Nick at his elbow, who stoutly corroborated all that he had
+uttered.
+
+In the mean while the vessel, borne along by the breeze, kept steadily
+on her way, and the little cloud loomed larger on the horizon, and
+gradually grew more and more distinct. The almost imperceptible shade
+deepened into a substantial blue, and finally brightened into a
+beautiful green, and Cape Frio became plainly visible.
+
+The prospect of soon getting on shore caused much excitement in the
+cabin, after supper, and considerable conviviality.
+
+After partaking of several glasses of wine, the Professor turned to
+Toney and Tom, and gravely remarked,--
+
+"We are informed, by the highest authority on the subject, that there
+is a very great difference between _ebrius_ and _ebriolus_. It is not
+becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to be anything more than
+_ebriolus_. Let us leave these devotees of Bacchus to their orgies in
+honor of the god of the grape, and go upon deck."
+
+"Come!" said Toney. "I have no wish to carry a headache on shore with me
+to-morrow."
+
+"Nor I," said Tom, ascending the companion-ladder.
+
+They walked forward until they came to the cook's galley, when the
+Professor stopped suddenly and exclaimed, pointing to a hog which had
+been butchered and hung up with its head downward,--
+
+"Here has been a bloody deed!"
+
+"Not a homicide?" said Toney.
+
+"No; a suicide," said Tom.
+
+"Let your puns be in plain English," said the Professor.
+
+"Latin puns are too obscure," said Toney.
+
+"Mr. Seddon must atone for this offense by doing penance," said the
+Professor.
+
+"In what way?" asked Tom.
+
+"You must immediately climb into the rigging and run a rope around the
+foretop-gallant yard," said the Professor.
+
+"What's your purpose?" asked Toney.
+
+"To suspend this deceased porker from the masthead," said the Professor.
+
+"We will have fun," said Tom.
+
+"Fun is the true philosophy of life," said the Professor.
+
+Tom did as directed, and in a few moments the porker rapidly ascended
+and was lashed to the masthead. The Professor then walked to the bow,
+where was seated Old Nick, telling a wonderful yarn to Tim, who was
+smoking his pipe.
+
+"On the Gold Coast six months. The niggers brought us gold-dust in
+quills. One day their duke died."
+
+"Have the negroes dukes among them?" asked Toney.
+
+"Their head-man. They put all his wives and slaves in a pen."
+
+"What for?" asked Tom.
+
+"To knock them on the head and bury them with the duke. Never heard such
+howling. One nigger jumped over the pen, ran down to the shore, and swam
+to the ship. They came around in canoes after him. Captain told me to
+throw him overboard. Had to obey orders. They took him ashore and
+knocked him on the head with clubs. Next night I was on the beach.
+Something jumped right up before me and grinned in my face. Looked like
+the big nigger I had pitched overboard."
+
+"I thought they had knocked him on the head," said Toney.
+
+"His ghost. It gave a whoop and jumped clean over my head, and then
+jumped back again."
+
+"Like a circus-rider," said Tom.
+
+"Kept jumping back and forth over my head, whooping and grinning. I got
+mad, and struck at it with a stick. Jerked stick from my hand and beat
+me over the back with it. I grabbed at the tarnal ghost, and if I could
+have got a grip on it I'd downed it. Couldn't hold it; got scared."
+
+"No wonder," said Toney. "Any man would have been scared with this great
+ugly bugaboo whooping and yelling, and jumping backward and forward over
+his head, and beating him with his own cane."
+
+"Ran for the boat. Ghost followed me. Priest had come ashore in the boat
+with a bottle of holy water in his pocket. He flung it in the critter's
+face, when it gave a whoop and vamosed."
+
+"You infernal thieves!" said the cook, coming forward with a large
+butcher's knife in his hand and confronting the sailors, "what have you
+done with my hog?"
+
+"Didn't touch your hog," said Old Nick.
+
+"Don't be lying there," said the ireful cook. "You have stolen that hog
+and hid it in the forecastle. Not a taste of lobscouse will you lubbers
+get until you give up my hog. I'll cut off your rations, you blasted
+rogues! I'd like to see one of you get any duff for his dinner on
+Sundays, after this."
+
+The sailors were alarmed, for the cook is the great man on shipboard.
+They humbly protested their innocence, but were sternly denounced as
+liars and thieves who had stolen the porker, intended for the
+passengers' dinner, and hidden it in the forecastle. As the cook was
+brandishing his knife, and growing more violent in his denunciations, he
+was startled by hearing loud squeals overhead. The sounds were like the
+shrill cries of a large hog which was having a knife plunged into his
+throat.
+
+"Great thunder!" exclaimed Tom.
+
+The cook and the sailors gazed upward with looks of amazement.
+
+There was a reiteration of loud squeals. The cook dropped his knife and
+ran into his galley. The sailors fled with precipitation, until they
+reached the quarter-deck. Tom Seddon stood gazing upward, while Toney
+whispered to the Professor.
+
+"Yes," said the Professor, "a faculty occasionally exercised. It must be
+a profound secret."
+
+"Shall I tell Tom?"
+
+"Whisper it to him, and warn him to be reticent."
+
+Toney whispered to Tom, who nodded his head and seemed to comprehend.
+
+"You lying lubbers!" said the mate, coming forward, followed by the
+sailors. "Telling your yarns about a hog in the----"
+
+Here there was a succession of loud squeals from the masthead. The hog
+seemed to be in great agony. The sailors fled to the stern, and the mate
+rushed into the captain's cabin. The captain came forward. The squeals
+were louder and more prolonged. The mate trembled and turned pale.
+
+"What is it?" said the captain.
+
+"The cook killed a hog and hung it alongside his galley, and the devil
+has carried it up there!" said the mate, pointing to the masthead.
+
+"The devil is in the habit of getting into hogs," said Toney.
+
+"He once got into a whole herd of swine," said Tom.
+
+"There is Scripture for that," said the mate.
+
+"I must have that hog down," said the captain.
+"Here--Nick--Tim--Peter--Paul! up to the masthead and lower the hog!"
+
+Not a man would stir. The crew loudly swore that they would not go up
+there for any captain that ever trod a quarter-deck.
+
+"You go up," said the captain to the mate.
+
+"Nary time," said the mate. "My business is to navigate the ship,--not
+to fight the devil. You go up."
+
+The captain laid hold on a rope, and was about to ascend, when loud
+squeals were heard, and cries of "Murder! murder! murder!" from the
+masthead. The captain let go his hold and fell on the deck.
+
+"There are more than a dozen devils up there!" shouted the mate.
+
+"What's to be done?" said the captain, rising on his feet and looking
+aghast.
+
+"Let them alone until we get into port, and then hire a lot of priests
+to sprinkle the ship with holy water," said the mate.
+
+"I'll have her swabbed with barrels of holy water!" exclaimed the
+captain.
+
+"Thank God, it is daylight," said the mate.
+
+It was now morning, and the ship sailed on, and was soon abreast of the
+castle of Santa Cruz.
+
+"American ship ahoy!" was shouted through a trumpet from the ramparts.
+
+"Hello!" was the response from the deck.
+
+"How many days did you come from?"
+
+"Baltimore--forty-two."
+
+"All right!" And the vessel glided along, and, passing the Sugar-Loaf,
+soon anchored in the spacious and beautiful harbor of the Brazilian
+metropolis, with the hog at her masthead.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX.
+
+
+"Why does your captain carry that hog at his masthead?"
+
+This question was asked by a midshipman who came alongside in a boat and
+was recognized by Toney and the Professor as a former acquaintance. They
+and Tom Seddon were seated in the boat and about to go ashore.
+
+"Every man has his idiosyncrasies," said the Professor. "Van Tromp
+sailed through the British Channel with a broom at his masthead; and our
+captain never enters a harbor without a hog hanging on his
+foretop-gallant yard."
+
+"Van Tromp's broom was a symbol of victory," said the young officer.
+
+"And our captain's hog is a symbol of good living," said the Professor.
+
+"He wishes to have it known that, while other vessels come into port on
+short rations, he carries an abundance of grub wherever he goes," said
+Toney.
+
+"He must be an eccentric old codger," said the middy.
+
+"He is, indeed," said the Professor.
+
+"Here we are," said the middy. And he sprang on shore, followed by his
+three friends, whose sea-legs were of very little use to them; for they
+staggered about as if they had freely participated in the conviviality
+of the preceding night and still sensibly felt its effects. They managed
+at length to waddle along with the earth apparently rocking and rolling
+under their feet, and finally reached Pharoux's Hotel in Palace Square,
+where comfortable quarters were secured.
+
+On the following morning the Professor, in company with his three
+friends and M. T. Pate, walked forth into the Square. As they passed in
+front of the Palace, the negro sentinel, with a staid demeanor, was
+pacing to and fro, while squads of his sable comrades lounged around,
+like lazy black dogs, basking in the sun.
+
+"Look at that gigantic American standing among the Brazilian soldiers
+who seem like pigmies by comparison," said the midshipman.
+
+"It is Hercules," said the Professor.
+
+"Or Goliath of Gath," said the midshipman. "Do you know him?"
+
+"He came out in our ship," said Toney.
+
+"If your captain carried many such giants on board, I wonder that he had
+a spare porker to hang at his masthead."
+
+"Hercules seems to be on terms of intimacy with those _black guards_ of
+the House of Braganza," said Toney.
+
+"No punning now, if you please; we are on land," said the Professor.
+
+"But on foreign land, where the points of our puns cannot be perceived
+by the natives," said Toney.
+
+"Your apology is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us see what Hercules is going to do," said Tom Seddon.
+
+They approached, and stood in close proximity to the tail of his coat.
+He had taken a musket from the hands of a grinning Brazilian of African
+descent, and, pointing to the flint lock, with a sagacious shake of his
+noddle, informed him that he was far behind the age; at the same time
+expatiating on the manifest superiority of the percussion principle. To
+the instruction of this able tactician the soldiers, although unable to
+comprehend a word of English, seemed to be listening with profound
+attention, when a loud laugh from Toney and Tom interrupted this
+morning's first lesson.
+
+In the course of their wandering through the town they came to a
+navy-yard, where they saw several vessels in an interesting condition of
+rottenness. While examining these hulks, an astonishing confusion of
+tongues was heard in their rear; and, turning around, they beheld a
+fellow as black as Beelzebub, who wore an officer's uniform and was
+endeavoring to hold a colloquy with M. T. Pate, who listened and replied
+with an amiable condescension; but, as neither understood a word that
+was addressed to him, the utterance of each was an enigma to the other.
+The Professor winked at Toney, and then gravely remarked, "Mr. Pate,
+this negro is doubtless begging for a dump,"--a huge copper coin of the
+value of several cents, which the Brazilians have invented for the
+convenience of commerce.
+
+Pate, who in his own country was of Southern birth and accustomed to
+negroes solely in a menial capacity, drew forth a ponderous dump from
+his pocket, and bestowing it upon the officer of his Imperial Majesty
+with a benevolent smile, went on his way, leaving the object of his
+benefaction astounded by this evidence of his generosity.
+
+As they proceeded up a street they encountered a pair of sturdy Africans
+carrying a sedan-chair attached to a couple of poles. Its sides were
+surrounded with gaudy curtains, for the protection of the timid se�orita
+seated within from the bold gaze of the common multitude. Walking behind
+it were Botts, Old Grizzly, and the Long Green Boy, who appeared to have
+attached themselves to the procession as a committee of investigation;
+while, ranging up alongside, like a vigilant cruiser about to overhaul a
+suspicious craft in quest of a contraband cargo, was the adventurous
+Moses in a prodigious state of excitement, staring at the object of his
+amazement with dilated eyes, in blissful ignorance of his dangerous
+proximity to a petticoat. But great was his consternation when informed
+that there was a young lady behind the curtain. He started back with a
+terrified expression; and the Professor afterwards said that had not his
+limbs failed him, and his knees come in collision, like bones in the
+hands of an Ethiopian serenader, they would have been entertained with
+the sight of a desperate fugitive darting up the street with the caudal
+appendage to his coat taking a horizontal projection as he hurried
+along.
+
+Having during the day visited various localities in the city, they
+returned to the hotel, and on the following morning proceeded on an
+expedition to the Imperial gardens. They rode in a huge omnibus drawn by
+four couples of mules, and navigated by four adventurous natives, each
+seated on the back of one of the animals, with prodigious rowels on his
+heels, which seemed to indicate a ruthless determination to gore out the
+vitals of the beast if he showed the least signs of a refractory
+disposition, and dared to dispute the supremacy of the rider. Under the
+shade of cocoa- and coffee-trees they rumbled over the road, and at
+length arrived at the gates of the gardens.
+
+This inclosure, equal in area to a large farm, was cultivated with great
+care and filled with every variety of flowers and fruitage. At
+intervals, among the trees, were fanciful little tenements for the
+accommodation of those whose business it was to plant and to prune.
+
+Tom Seddon became poetic, and declared that they had discovered a
+paradise in which an Adam and Eve were probably then dwelling in
+immortal youth and innocence.
+
+After exploring the gardens for several hours, the Professor seated
+himself in a beautiful arbor, and, while the gorgeous butterflies and
+birds of variegated and magnificent plumage were flitting around him, he
+sang:
+
+
+     The op'ning rose doth brightly glow
+       With pearly dews of even,
+     Like a fragment fall'n from yonder bow,
+       Which hangeth like Hope in the heaven.
+
+     And gayly on a golden wing,
+       At the sweet evening hour,
+     The humming-bird comes like a fairy thing
+       To flit round the beautiful flower.
+
+     Oh, be not like that humming-bird
+       Around the sweet rose roving,
+     That is ling'ring there, while e'er is heard
+       The breezes of summer moving,
+
+     But when the chilly blast has blown
+       And wint'ry storms are brewing,
+     He flieth away to a milder zone,
+       And leaveth it then to its ruin;
+
+     Be like that bird we oft have seen,
+       Whose mellow notes were ringing
+     Among the willows when all was green,
+       And flowers around us were springing.
+
+     And when those boughs are all stript bare,
+       By wint'ry storms o'ertaken,
+     That faithful bird is still ling'ring there,
+       Nor hath ever that spot forsaken.
+
+
+"A song from Mr. Seddon," cried the Professor, as he concluded his own
+melody. Tom sang as follows:
+
+
+     Though many days have vanished
+       Since last I sighed adieu,
+     Yet time has never banished
+       The love I feel for you:
+     Though many leagues now sever,
+     Yet I forget thee never;--
+     True love grows the stronger
+     As it endures the longer.
+
+     Though absence bringeth sorrow
+       Upon the soul like night,
+     Yet on that night a morrow
+       Shall shed its golden light,--
+     And hope's lone star shall burn, love,
+     Brightly till I return, love,
+     And in thy smile discover
+     That night's last gloom is over.
+
+
+"Poor Tom is thinking of Ida," said the Professor, in a whisper to
+Toney, as Tom turned aside and furtively wiped away a tear that stood in
+his eye.
+
+"How can he help thinking of her?" said Toney.
+
+"And Rosabel?" said the Professor.
+
+"Do you suppose," said Toney, "that I ever forget her? I am mirthful,
+for it does not become a true man to be moody and melancholy. But I
+never forget."
+
+"Nor does it become one of the Funny Philosophers to sport with such
+feelings," said the Professor, visibly affected. "I do not forget Dora."
+
+"Do you not?"
+
+"No; though she has long since forgotten me," said the Professor, sadly.
+
+"A song from Mr. Perch," exclaimed a voice in the crowd, and in
+plaintive tones the Long Green Boy gave utterance to the following
+melody:
+
+
+     Oh, give me now the heart that thou once stole away from me
+     When list'ning to thy treacherous vow beneath the greenwood tree;
+     The flowers then bloomed above the ground, fanned by the breath of
+       spring;
+     The humming-bird was sporting round upon a purple wing.
+
+     The gentle May hath passed away, the rose-leaves all are dead;
+     That faithless humming-bird so gay on wanton wing hath fled,
+     Nor cometh there to mourn their fate, but seeks a southern sun;
+     And thou hast left me desolate, thou false and cruel one.
+
+
+"Perch is thinking of the beautiful Imogen and the scene in Colonel
+Hazlewood's garden," said Toney to the Professor. "Neither you nor he
+seem to have a very favorable opinion of the humming-bird."
+
+"The little creature always reminds one of a fickle beauty, and Perch
+and I are forsaken lovers; each having felt the full force of a
+negative. But what is Hercules about to do?"
+
+The giant had seated himself under the shade of a blooming bough, and
+for the first, and probably for the last time, until translated to a
+happier sphere, was endeavoring to give vent to the blissful emotions of
+his soul by attempting the execution of a difficult piece of music; in
+stentorian tones invoking a certain Susannah and imploring her on no
+account to weep for him. As with the voice of a Cyclops, at the close of
+each stanza, he bellowed forth,--
+
+
+     "Oh, Susannah! don't you cry for me!
+     I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"
+
+
+the whole party gathered around him and listened in breathless wonder.
+At length the Professor remarked,--
+
+"What a pity it is that Susannah is not now present!"
+
+"Do you think she would stop her crying?" said Toney.
+
+"I imagine she would," said the Professor. "Unless the young lady's
+perception of the ludicrous is very obtuse, I cannot help thinking that
+the musical invocation of Hercules would have the desired effect."
+
+"Will that big fellow never cease his bellowing?" asked the midshipman.
+
+"Not until he has sung the last verse," said Tom Seddon; "and the song
+is longer than the ninety-seventh selection of Psalms as versified by
+Sternhold and Hopkins."
+
+"He has already finished a multitude of staves," said Toney.
+
+"Enough to make himself a butt," said the Professor.
+
+"That is an atrocious pun," said Toney; "and perpetrated on dry land."
+
+"But on foreign land, and in the Emperor's gardens," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Very true," said Toney; "you escape with impunity; being on Brazilian
+soil."
+
+"Let us be off!" said Tom Seddon; "the sun is getting low."
+
+"And come back for Hercules to-morrow. We will find him concluding the
+last stanza," said Toney.
+
+"Will he sing all night?" asked the midshipman.
+
+"Hercules has great powers of endurance," said the Professor.
+
+"Come!" said Tom Seddon. And the party started for the omnibus; when
+Hercules arose and followed, still singing his interminable melody.
+
+The sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the full moon had arisen
+in all her magnificence long before they reached the suburbs of the
+city. As they rode along listening to the chimes of the church bells,
+which in Catholic countries are sounding every evening, the voice of
+Hercules was heard, at intervals, bellowing forth,--
+
+
+     "The bulgine burst, the horse run off; I thought I'd surely die!
+     I shut my eyes to hold my breath; Susannah, don't you cry!
+     Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me!
+     I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL.
+
+
+Upon returning to the city, M. T. Pate met with a misfortune, which gave
+him sad affliction when he afterwards came to reflect upon his folly. He
+had throughout the whole course of his life been a very temperate man,
+and on Sundays was exceedingly pious. But he and Hercules were now
+seduced by a party of dissolute fellows, who kept them in a state of
+inebriation for several days. In fact, Hercules got profoundly
+intoxicated, and continued in that condition until he was carried on
+board the ship when she was about to sail; while Pate became boisterous
+and broke a number of goblets and decanters, and even challenged the
+proprietor of the hotel to a pugilistic combat. The latter earnestly
+implored the interposition of Toney Belton, who, upon going to Pate's
+room, found him standing in the midst of a number of boon-companions,
+with a bottle in his grasp, making as much noise as was possible by
+bellowing forth the following bacchanalian melody:
+
+
+     The ruby wine sparkles so bright in the bowl,
+       To pleasure it seems to invite;
+     And, by heavens, I vow he's a pitiful soul
+       Who scorneth our revels to night.
+
+     Let sages discourse on the follies of man,
+       And learnedly talk of his woes;
+     But boys, we'll be happy whilever we can,--
+       So toss off the goblet!--here goes!
+
+     Oh, why should we mourn o'er the sorrows of earth,
+       And turn from its pleasures away?
+     He's wiser by far who turns sorrow to mirth,
+       And tastes of life's joys while he may.
+
+     When all that the sages have taught is summed up,
+       Can it lessen one moment our woes?
+     Oh, no! but they linger not over the cup,--
+       So toss off the goblet!--here goes!
+
+
+When this song was concluded, Toney began to express his astonishment at
+Pate's conduct, but his voice was soon drowned by several fellows loudly
+singing,--
+
+
+     Silvery dews are falling lightly,
+     Golden stars are twinkling brightly,
+     Now's the hour when Pleasure greets us,
+     Round the festive board she meets us,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"But, Mr. Pate, you will be sorry for this when----"
+
+
+     Farewell now to care and sorrow!
+     They our moments ne'er shall borrow;--
+     We, the joyous sons of folly,
+     Leave to sages melancholy,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Yes, this is fine fun," said Toney; "but after awhile you will have
+trouble, and----"
+
+
+     If the ills of life surround us,
+     If misfortune's arrows wound us,
+     Still a balm we may discover
+     In the bumper running over,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"By heavens, you ought to have a strait-jacket!" said Toney. "Ain't you
+a pretty picture?--standing there with your coat off and your breeches
+rent in the rear! I wish some of the ladies whom you used to be making
+love to could now see----"
+
+
+     Cupid is a treacherous urchin,
+     With his darts each bosom searching;
+     If we've false and cruel found him,
+     On the bumper's brim we'll drown him,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Pate, you'll be singing another song to-morrow, when----"
+
+
+     Fortune, whom we've trusted blindly,
+     She may deal with us unkindly;
+     At her freaks we're lightly laughing,
+     As the bright wine we are quaffing,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"You are as crazy as a bedlamite!" exclaimed Toney, "When you come to
+your senses, you will consider this the greatest misfortune that----"
+
+
+     Glorious rainbows, shine forever
+     O'er misfortune's clouds, and never
+     Fade away from a good fellow
+     In his glasses growing mellow,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Well, go ahead!" said Toney, turning on his heels. "Go ahead, if you
+think there is no hereafter----"
+
+
+     Give the night to song and laughter,--
+     Care may come, perchance, hereafter;
+     We will linger till the morning
+     Smileth with a rosy warning,
+     When we'll mingle heart and soul
+     O'er a flowing, parting bowl.
+
+
+Pate continued to conduct himself in this outrageous manner,
+notwithstanding the repeated and earnest remonstrances of his friends,
+until the morning on which the vessel was to sail, when the Professor
+found him, with a rueful countenance, sitting on the stool of
+repentance. They proceeded to the office of the hotel to settle their
+bills.
+
+In Brazil they have an imaginary coin, corresponding to the mill of our
+decimal currency, in which, when making out a bill, they compute the
+amount, putting before the sum charged the identical mark which is
+prefixed to the Federal dollar, so that a stranger, whose debit is ten
+dollars, sees on the bill $10.000. The Professor was aware of this mode
+of computation, but M. T. Pate was not. The latter was therefore utterly
+astounded when his bill was handed to him, and he saw charged on it
+$55.000. Pate turned deadly pale when he perceived the heavy sum he was
+expected to pay; and Toney and the Professor took him aside and told him
+that, while so dreadfully intoxicated, he had broken and destroyed much
+valuable property in the hotel, and that the damage was charged in the
+bill. Pate was now shocked at the consequences of his indiscretion, and
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Oh, that a man should be such a fool!"
+
+"As to put an enemy in his mouth to steal away his brains," said the
+Professor.
+
+"What am I to do?" cried Pate.
+
+"Pay the bill," said Toney.
+
+"I cannot. It is impossible for me to pay so large a sum of money," said
+Pate.
+
+"I am sorry for that," said the Professor. "In Brazil there is
+imprisonment for debt."
+
+"What?" exclaimed Pate, in extreme terror.
+
+"There is imprisonment for debt in this country," said the Professor;
+"and if you do not pay the bill, the proprietor of the hotel will have
+you put in the calaboose."
+
+"Where you may have to remain during your whole life," said Toney.
+
+"Oh! oh!" cried Pate, looking as pale as a ghost. "What--what shall I
+do?"
+
+"Get the money and pay the bill," said Toney.
+
+"I cannot--I cannot!" said Pate, perspiring from every pore.
+
+"This is a great calamity," said the Professor. "Only to think of a man
+having to spend, perhaps, forty years of his life in prison!"
+
+"To end his days in a dungeon!" said Toney, sadly.
+
+"Gentlemen--gentlemen! what--what shall I do?" exclaimed Pate, groaning
+piteously.
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "an expedient suggests itself to my mind,
+but I am doubtful of its propriety."
+
+"What is it?" asked Toney.
+
+"Do you think that it would be morally wrong for Mr. Pate to take French
+leave?"
+
+"I do not," said Toney. "He cannot pay the bill, and unless he escapes
+as speedily as possible he may have to die in prison. A man may do
+anything to preserve his liberty. Besides, when Mr. Pate returns from
+California with his gold, he can stop at Rio and pay the bill."
+
+"I will! I will!" exclaimed Pate. "I will pay every dollar of it!"
+
+"Come here, Mr. Pate," said the Professor. And he and Toney conducted
+him to the street and pointed towards the harbor.
+
+"Run!" said the Professor.
+
+"Run!--run!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Run, Pate!--run!" cried Tom Seddon, who had followed them out.
+
+The delinquent debtor looked around to see if his ruthless creditor was
+watching him, and then darted down the street and ran at full speed
+until he reached the water's edge, when he leaped into a boat, and told
+the men to row as fast as they could for the ship. In the mean while
+Toney and the Professor returned to the office of the hotel and quietly
+settled the bill with the contents of Pate's purse, which they had taken
+from his pocket while he was intoxicated, and still retained in their
+possession for safe keeping.
+
+When M. T. Pate came near the ship, he beheld the extraordinary
+spectacle of a human body rising from the surface of the water and
+hanging high in the air, with its arms and legs desperately striking
+out, as if seeking to test, by a practical experiment, the possibility
+of swimming in that uncertain element. After dangling over the deck for
+a short space of time, it disappeared behind the bulwarks.
+
+Pate witnessed the awful spectacle with a feeling of intense horror.
+
+"Great heavens!" he exclaimed, "has the captain taken upon himself the
+responsibility of ordering an execution? What a daring exercise of
+arbitrary power! It is dangerous to go on board! The brutal tyrant might
+hang any of his passengers!"
+
+He was about to order the men to row back to the shore when he
+recollected the danger which there awaited him. He was between Scylla
+and Charybdis. In the mean while the Brazilian boatmen, who, with their
+backs towards the ship and their ignorance of the English language,
+neither witnessed the startling phenomenon nor understood the meaning of
+Pate's exclamation, vigorously plied their oars, and soon brought the
+boat to the vessel's side. Pale with terror and trembling in every
+joint, Pate looked up and beheld a number of passengers on deck laughing
+immoderately. Their mirth convinced him that no tragedy had been
+enacted, and he went on board where he learned that Hercules had been
+captured on shore and brought alongside lying in the boat in a helpless
+condition superinduced by inebriation. A perplexing consultation among
+his captors was cut short by Old Nick, who, having made ready a rope,
+leaped into the boat, and putting a stout band around the body of the
+giant, hooked on,--and up he went, with his imperfectly articulated
+maledictions mingling with the hearty "Heave ho!" of Peter and Paul, who
+were hoisting him on deck.
+
+Thus was Hercules held up as an example to all evildoers; and when the
+Professor reached the ship, and was informed of the circumstance, he
+gravely remarked that men who were so imprudent as to indulge in the
+excessive use of strong drinks would sometimes become wonderfully
+elevated.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI.
+
+
+The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been compelled to leave the
+Brazilian Empire as an absconding debtor was intense, and he was now
+teased and tormented by his comrades in the most unmerciful manner.
+
+They told him that as soon as his ruthless creditor discovered his
+flight he would apply to the Emperor for redress, who would dispatch a
+swift-sailing man-of-war to capture him; and that he would be carried
+back and imprisoned in the calaboose until he had paid the last dump of
+the debt. Whenever a sail hove in sight, some one would cry out, "There
+comes the Brazilian vessel in pursuit of Pate;" when all would advise
+him to secrete himself in the hold of the ship, and said that they would
+inform the captain of the man-of-war that he had unfortunately fallen
+overboard when off Cape Frio.
+
+He was so worried by these pitiless jokes that he became misanthropic,
+and finally refused to associate with any of the passengers. He would
+leave the cabin, where at night there were usually much fun and
+merriment, and where he was sure to be the butt of some cruel jest, and,
+going upon deck, would seat himself upon a stool and brood in solitude
+over his misery, until he was in a sound sleep.
+
+One night there was a dead calm upon the waters, and not a sound was
+heard except the flapping of a sail as the ship rolled over a wave, or
+the monotonous notes which proceeded from the perforations in the nasal
+protuberance of the melancholy Pate, who had fallen asleep as he sat on
+his stool. But suddenly there is an unnatural noise, and a frightful
+fluttering overhead, and down it comes--a ghostlike creature!--long,
+lean, and spectral!--with two gigantic wings beating wildly about! With
+a chorus of strange cries it tumbles upon deck, upsetting the unlucky
+Pate, who with a loud yell of terror, rolls over and over into the
+scupper; while Peter and Paul, headed by Old Nick, rush thither and
+mingle with a crowd of passengers who come from the cabin. And there
+they behold poor Pate lying on his back in the scupper, and yelling
+"murder," with the strength of his lungs; while over him stands Moses,
+glorying in his achievement. He had espied a booby-bird roosting upon
+the mainyard, and with a catlike step crept up and effected its capture.
+And thus the sudden and unexpected descent of the two boobies upon the
+deck was the cause of all this commotion. The position of Pate, as he
+lay on his back in the scupper, bawling "murder!" with the booby beating
+him with its wing, was exceedingly ludicrous. He was now teased until he
+was driven to the border of desperation. Tom Seddon had, with
+thoughtless levity, revealed the existence of the Mystic Brotherhood,
+and made known the fact that M. T. Pate was the Noble Grand Gander of
+the order. After this revelation there was no more peace for poor Pate
+on board the ship. At the table some one would call out in a loud voice
+and inquire if the Noble Grand Gander would be helped to a piece of the
+duff, when there would be a general roar of laughter. In the morning,
+when he came from his bunk, many would inquire, with mock respect, after
+the health of the Noble Grand Gander. And now, in the unfortunate affair
+with the booby, the passengers generally expressed their profound regret
+that the great American Gander had been overthrown by a Brazilian booby.
+
+In the mean while the ship sailed on; the weather gradually grew colder,
+and the three curious spots in the heavens, called the Clouds of
+Magellan, were visible at night, and indicated an approximation to the
+coast of Patagonia.
+
+The Professor had a sympathy for Pate, and would sometimes endeavor to
+alleviate his sufferings by cheerful conversation. They were one day
+standing on deck conversing about the Clouds of Magellan, and the
+Professor was suggesting the propriety of sending up an artist in a
+balloon to paint them red, white, and blue, so that the American colors
+might hang over these regions in anticipation of their annexation to the
+great republic, when they heard the voice of Moses exclaiming,--
+
+"Look yonder!"
+
+"What is it?" said Pate, pointing to an enormous creature sailing
+through the air and coming towards the ship.
+
+"It is one of the Clouds of Magellan riding on the back of Old Boreas,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"No," cried Tom Seddon, "it is the gigantic ghost of the poor booby
+coming to haunt Moses for the deep damnation of his taking off."
+
+The optical orbs of Moses expanded wider and wider, as the form of the
+winged monster loomed larger and larger, until, with a flap of its
+tremendous pinions, it came alongside, and, after several times sweeping
+around the ship, finally settled down on the water in the wake.
+
+The Professor having ascertained that this object, on which Moses was
+gazing with wonder and awe, was an albatross, attached a piece of pork
+to a line and threw it overboard, with an invitation to the stranger to
+lay hold, so that he might hoist him on board. The gigantic bird eagerly
+accepted the invitation, and snatching the delicious morsel in his beak,
+held on with a pertinacity which indicated his appreciation of the
+prize. And now he was seen to stretch out his neck with an extraordinary
+projection, and his huge body following it at a run, beating the water
+with two enormous wings, over the poop he came, with a tremendous
+fluttering, and down on the deck, where he stood like a prodigious
+goose, wholly unable to define his position.
+
+The creature walked the deck with a curious stare, until coming in
+proximity to M. T. Pate, it stopped and gazed in his face, when some
+wicked wag cried out,--
+
+"Put a saddle and bridle on him, Mr. Pate."
+
+"By all means," cried another passenger; "and if the Brazilian
+man-of-war should overhaul the vessel, you can ride away on the back of
+your winged courser and easily effect your escape."
+
+These suggestions so irritated Pate that he suddenly seized a handspike
+and dealt the albatross a blow, the lethal effects of which laid it a
+lifeless corpse at his feet. There was a loud hurrah for the Noble Grand
+Gander, and Pate, boiling with indignation, walked forward and leaned
+against the forecastle.
+
+He was now sternly denounced by Old Nick, who told him, in emphatic
+terms, that he would never have any more good luck as long as he lived;
+and Peter and Paul coincided with him in the prediction. Not many
+moments elapsed before these vaticinations of ill fortune began to be
+verified. Neptune, with indignation, had beheld the murderous deed, and
+prepared a fitting punishment. He sent a huge wave, which broke over the
+bow with a crash. The sailors saw it coming and sprang into the rigging;
+while the assassin of the albatross was knocked off his feet and went
+wallowing into the scupper. Amidst loud and boisterous laughter, M. T.
+Pate hurried into the cabin with a stream of salt-water flowing from the
+tail of his coat; while a number of voices commenced singing,--
+
+
+     "A life on the ocean wave,
+     A home on the rolling deep," etc.
+
+
+A few days subsequent to these events, they came in sight of Tierra del
+Fuego; and as the ship ran down within a league of the shore, there was
+a suggestion that the officers had determined to leave the slayer of the
+albatross on this desolate coast; being afraid to venture round the Horn
+with such a Jonah on board. The Professor told Pate to pay no attention
+to these remarks, as the captain had a cousin who had emigrated to this
+part of the world and opened a hotel, and he was going to take the
+passengers on shore and give a "general treat." But the ship stood away
+to the south, and, followed by clouds of Cape pigeons and albatrosses,
+went rolling around the Horn, and after a rough controversy with old
+ocean, which lasted for several weeks, eventually came in sight of the
+Island of Juan Fernandez.
+
+Several of the passengers expressed an opinion that the captain would
+now put Pate on shore, and said that he would have to live here in
+solitude and clad in goats' skins like Alexander Selkirk. But the vessel
+sailed on, and the peaks of the famous island were soon hid behind the
+horizon; and this was their last sight of _terra firma_ until they
+beheld the tops of the Andes, and soon afterwards entered the harbor of
+Callao.
+
+"There was a scene of revelry by night" in the cabin, like that which
+had preceded their landing on Brazilian soil. The Professor, with Toney
+and Tom, remained on deck until the sounds of conviviality had ceased,
+and then proceeded to "turn in."
+
+"What is this?" said Tom Seddon, coming in contact with a huge head
+hanging over the side of a hammock.
+
+"It is a remarkable case of suspended animation," said the Professor.
+
+"Hercules has again become wonderfully elevated," said Toney.
+
+"And has turned Wiggins out of his hammock," said Tom.
+
+"Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate seem to prefer the floor," said Toney,
+pointing to the two individuals named, who were lying supinely on their
+backs by the side of a sea-chest under the hammock.
+
+"Hercules seems to be hovering over them like a benignant spirit with
+the most benevolent intentions," said the Professor; and he and his two
+friends passed on, and, stowing themselves away in their bunks, were
+awaiting the approach of "tired nature's sweet restorer," when a hideous
+howl, like the outcry of a wounded dragon, rang through the cabin. A
+score of startled passengers leaped hurriedly up, and rushing forward
+beheld the catastrophe. Hercules had pitched headforemost from his
+hammock, and precipitating himself first on the sea-chest, had rolled
+over, and covered with his huge body the prostrated forms of Old Grizzly
+and M. T. Pate.
+
+Unable to account for his sudden descent, and wholly confounded by his
+fall, he was giving utterance to his emotions in a succession of
+diabolical howls.
+
+Old Grizzly slowly arose, and assuming a sitting posture, growled out
+his decided disapprobation of such proceedings, while M. T. Pate was
+writhing and wriggling under his heavy burden, and uttering piteous
+groans.
+
+"Pate is like old John Bunyan's poor pilgrim," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Groaning under his load of sin," said Toney.
+
+"Let us shrive him," said the Professor. And he and Toney seized Pate
+by the legs, and, pulling vigorously, succeeded in relieving him from
+the immense load of iniquity which rested upon him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+
+
+After spending a day in Callao, and visiting the site of the ancient
+town, which had been destroyed by an earthquake, the band of
+gold-hunters proceeded to the city of Lima. This splendid capital
+presents many objects of interest to the stranger. The Professor and his
+companions were astonished at the number and magnificence of the
+churches; and as he was going through a gallery in one of these sacred
+edifices, Wiggins discovered three holy men playing at monte, and was
+only prevented from taking a hand by his ignorance of the Castilian
+language. Moses was shocked at seeing the countrywomen riding astraddle
+on donkeys when they entered the town on their way to the market; and he
+was inexpressibly alarmed when a young female stopped him on the street,
+and, producing a cigar, politely asked him for a light. So great was his
+agitation that, instead of complying with her request, he dropped his
+own cigar in the gutter and hastily retreated behind Botts, whose ugly
+visage frightened the woman away. Hercules, having constituted himself
+an inspector of the pale brandies of the country, on a certain night
+went up on the flat roof of the hotel and fell through a glass door
+among some Spaniards engaged in a quiet game below; and the Dons,
+supposing, from his novel mode of entrance, that he came with
+burglarious intent, fled from the apartment, leaving him lying in the
+middle of the floor, and uttering the most terrific yells.
+
+Toney and the Professor rushed into the room, and with some difficulty
+lifting the giant on his feet, discovered that he had sustained no
+injury from his sudden descent. As Hercules staggered out of the room,
+the Professor pointed towards him, and gravely remarked,--
+
+"I am now convinced of the utter falsity of what has been so long
+received as an axiom in natural philosophy."
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"That confined fluids press equally in all directions," said the
+Professor.
+
+"That only holds good in hydrostatics," said Toney.
+
+"Where water is concerned, the principle may be correct," said the
+Professor, "but it is not applicable to the juice of the grape. But
+where is Tom Seddon? I haven't seen him during the whole day."
+
+"He and M. T. Pate have just returned from a visit to the tomb of
+Pizarro," said Toney; "and Pate has been much shocked at a discovery
+which he there made."
+
+"What is that?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Most of the bones of that celebrated conqueror have been stolen," said
+Toney.
+
+"By whom?" asked the Professor.
+
+"By visitors to the tomb," said Toney.
+
+"_Sic transit gloria mundi!_" said the Professor. "Pizarro stole the
+Inca's possessions, and now his own bones have been carried off by
+pilfering hands, and, perhaps, manufactured into knife-handles. I hope I
+never may be a great man; a General, or a President, or anything of that
+sort."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"The very idea is horrible!"
+
+"How so?"
+
+"To see one's name in large letters over the picture of a horse on a
+hand-bill posted against the door of a blacksmith's shop; or to have a
+mangy hound for your namesake!"
+
+"Here comes Tom," said Toney, as Seddon entered the apartment and
+commenced telling them about the bull-fight which was to take place on
+the next day, which would be Sunday.
+
+"We will all go," said the Professor; "but I am hungry. Let us go into
+the eating-room and order three plates of lizards."
+
+"I would prefer a beefsteak smothered in onions," said Seddon.
+
+"_De gustibus non disputandum est_," said the Professor as he entered
+the eating-room, and, seating himself at a table, ordered his lizards.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+
+
+On the bright Sabbath morning Toney Belton and his companions were
+following an immense crowd of people along the banks of the Rimac, in
+the direction of the bull-fight, when they were compelled to halt and
+listen to a polemical controversy between the Professor and M. T. Pate.
+The latter had followed along quietly, and without observation, until
+accidentally discovering their destination, he stood still and refused
+to proceed. In vain did the Professor try argument and blandishment to
+remove his scruples of conscience. On the first day of the week Pate was
+immovably pious.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Pate!" said the Professor, in a coaxing tone.
+
+"This is the Sabbath," said Pate, "and a day of rest."
+
+"But," said the Professor, "in this country the churches are always
+open, and the people are praying every day in the week, and the only way
+for them to rest is to stop praying on Sunday and do something else.
+When you are in Rome do as Rome does."
+
+"Everybody is going to the bull-fight," said Toney.
+
+"Yonder is a carriage-load of bishops," said the Professor.
+
+"And look at those two shovel-hats jogging along on their mules," said
+Tom Seddon.
+
+"This is Sunday," said Pate, solemnly shaking his head.
+
+"I have been informed by the oldest inhabitant that Sunday has never yet
+got around Cape Horn," said the Professor.
+
+But Pate was deaf to their sophistical arguments, and, shaking his head
+with a melancholy look, turned on his heels and took his departure.
+
+The Professor and his companions were soon seated in the amphitheater,
+which formed an immense circle, with seats rising in tiers, one above
+the other. A strong barricade of stout timbers protected the twenty
+thousand men, women, and children who, with the Priests, the President,
+and the Congress of the country were here assembled, and waited with
+impatience until a gate was opened and several of the combatants
+appeared, some on horseback armed with long lances, and others on foot.
+
+"Great thunder! what are those?" exclaimed Tom Seddon, pointing to four
+uncouth shapes stalking into the arena wearing ugly masks with enormous
+beaks, and having dusky wings ingeniously fitted to their sides.
+
+"They look like very large turkey-buzzards," said Toney.
+
+"Half men and half birds," said Moses.
+
+"They are Peruvian fairies," said the Professor, turning round and
+imparting this information to Moses.
+
+"Fairies!" exclaimed Moses, his eyes opening in astonishment.
+
+"A gigantic species of fairy peculiar to this country," said the
+Professor.
+
+"What are they going to do?" asked Moses.
+
+"They are exceedingly fond of bull-beef," said the Professor. "They will
+wait until the animal is slain, and then dine on the carcass."
+
+"After which," said Toney, "they will spread their wings and fly away to
+Fairy-land, supposed to be located somewhere among the peaks of the
+Andes."
+
+"And which was never visited by mortal man," said the Professor.
+
+Moses now gazed at the fairies with wonder and awe; while Tom Seddon
+exclaimed, "Look at that handsome woman standing in the center of the
+arena!"
+
+"She is splendidly dressed," said Toney.
+
+"Who is she?" asked Moses.
+
+"The President's wife," suggested Toney.
+
+"Is she going to fight the bull?" asked Moses.
+
+"That may be her intention," said Toney.
+
+"She has no weapon," said Wiggins.
+
+"She will take the bull by the horns," said Toney.
+
+"She is in great danger," said Moses.
+
+"It is the Blessed Virgin,--you may behold a miracle," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Is she alive?" asked Moses.
+
+"She does not move," said Wiggins.
+
+"She stands stoutly on her feet," said Toney.
+
+"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, as a gate flew open, and in came,
+with a bound and a bellow, a huge black bull, with his eyes fiercely
+glaring, as if he were smarting under some recent insult and expected
+other indignities to be offered. But beholding the image, he moved
+towards it, bowing his head and scraping his foot.
+
+"He seems disposed to be very polite in the presence of a lady," said
+Toney.
+
+"He is making a very profound obeisance," said Tom.
+
+"Only in mockery," said the Professor as the bull rushed forward, and,
+thrusting his horns through the robes of the Holy Mary, lifted her from
+the earth. But hardly had he touched her sacred person when a succession
+of loud reports ensued, such as are heard when idle urchins have
+fastened their fire-works behind the flanks of some venerable parent of
+puppies.
+
+"A miracle!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"A miracle!" cried Toney.
+
+"A miracle!" shouted Tom.
+
+The eyes of Moses widely dilated, and he gazed in intense wonder. Off
+went the bull with the image hanging on his horns, roaring and running
+around; while ever and anon the Blessed Virgin would emit an explosion
+which added an increase to his speed. Finally she fell to the ground,
+and was sacrilegiously trampled under hoof, and lay with her gaudy robes
+scorched, and smoking, and torn to tatters.
+
+"What a shocking sight!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"Will nobody go to her rescue?" said Toney.
+
+"Yonder comes her avenger!" said the Professor, as a man on foot
+advanced, with one hand brandishing a dart having a small streamer
+attached to it, and shaking a red flag with the other. The bull,
+indignant at the insult, came at him with a bound, when, nimbly leaping
+aside, he planted his missile in the flank of his foe, and the
+infuriated animal charged on another assailant with similar results.
+
+Soon his sides were covered with little javelins, each having a gaudy
+pennon on its end waving in the wind. He fought with pluck and
+determination, but evidently at a disadvantage; for his antagonists,
+when hard pressed, would retreat behind a circular palisade of posts,
+whither he could not follow them. Making a charge on one of the
+buzzards, however, he tore off a wing before the clumsy bird could get
+out of the way. The disgusting fowl uttered a loud squall, such as was
+never heard from one of its species before.
+
+"The poor fairy has lost one of his pinions," said Tom.
+
+"He will not be able to soar away to his home in the Andes after he has
+dined," said Toney.
+
+"The cavalry are about to take part in the engagement," said the
+Professor, as the horsemen galloped around and added to the torments of
+the animal by pricking him with their lances.
+
+"He fights _manfully_," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "be so good as to keep your Irish
+bulls in the background. You should not venture to introduce them among
+Spanish cattle."
+
+"He exhibits great courage against overwhelming odds," said Toney.
+
+"But, as has been asked on numerous occasions, what can a single hero do
+against a host?" said the Professor.
+
+"What is that big man going to do with his long knife?" asked Moses, as
+a stalwart fellow, armed with a short, straight sword, advanced on foot
+and fixed his gaze on his victim. With eyes wildly rolling, and red
+torrents of blood streaming from his wounds, the bull moved towards this
+new antagonist, with his head to the ground, hoping to toss him on his
+horns. But the wily matadore, with a dexterous thrust, pierced the spine
+of the neck, and the agonies of the animal were over. Hardly had he
+fallen when the four buzzards rushed forward and commenced pecking at
+the carcass.
+
+"The fairies are hungry," said the Professor, turning round and speaking
+to Moses.
+
+"The one-winged gentleman seems determined to have his share of the
+feast," said Toney.
+
+"Look! look!" cried Tom Seddon, as up went a rocket and in came six
+white horses splendidly harnessed, by whose united strength the
+mutilated body of the bull was dragged out at a gallop, to make room for
+another victim.
+
+"Look at yonder fellow riding his horse around the arena, with his side
+gored open and torrents of blood gushing from the ghastly wound!" said
+Toney.
+
+"This is pretty sport, but I think that I will put an end to it," said
+the Professor to Toney, in a low and confidential tone.
+
+"That is impossible," said Toney.
+
+"The celebrated Arago says that he who, outside of pure mathematics,
+uses the word impossible, lacks prudence," said the Professor.
+
+"Here he comes!" cried Tom Seddon, as a bull of prodigious size and
+savage ferocity bounded into the arena, and after moving around and
+wildly glaring at the assembled multitude, finally halted within a few
+paces of the seats occupied by Toney and the Professor. The enraged
+animal was pawing the earth with his foot, when one of the combatants
+advanced towards him, brandishing a dart. The bull elevated his head and
+surveyed him with an indignant look. The man poised his missile and was
+about to hurl it when, in the Castilian language, from the mouth of the
+angry animal come forth the words,--
+
+"Hold, villain! hold!"
+
+The man dropped his dart and instantly fled. On the seats in proximity
+to the Professor there were great commotion and alarm, while from those
+afar off there were loud cries of derision at the cowardice exhibited by
+the combatant who had fled. Several men now advanced on foot, and the
+horsemen followed, with the four buzzards in the rear, flapping their
+wings. They surrounded the bull, and each footman brandished his dart,
+while the horsemen poised their lances. The animal regarded them with a
+ferocious aspect, and, as they were about to attack him with their
+weapons, a hoarse voice was heard issuing from his throat, and
+exclaiming,--
+
+"Stand back! ye bloody villains, forbear!"
+
+The men recoiled in horror, and, dropping their weapons, fled with
+precipitation, exclaiming, "El diablo! el diablo!"
+
+The buzzards hurried over the barricades followed by the footmen, who
+threw themselves among the spectators, crying out, "El diablo! el
+diablo!--it is the devil! it is the devil!" The horsemen galloped
+frantically around, and finally fled through a gate, which was instantly
+closed and barred. "El diablo! el diablo!" was shouted by hundreds of
+voices.
+
+"It is Satan! it is Satan!" exclaimed several priests, who sat near the
+Professor, as the bull, after running around, stood still and glared at
+them with fiery eyes.
+
+"I am Beelzebub!" roared the bull.
+
+With loud cries of "Satan!" "Beelzebub!" "the devil!" the priests and
+the people leaped from their seats, and, tumbling over each other,
+rolled out of the amphitheater into the open air. Along the banks of the
+Rimac, men, women, and children were flying in terror, with loud cries
+of "El diablo! el diablo!"
+
+"Where is Moses?" asked the Professor, as with Toney and Tom he sat in
+the deserted amphitheater.
+
+"He and Wiggins have gone with the crowd," said Toney.
+
+"The bull will have to perform before empty benches," said the
+Professor.
+
+"That animal has created more commotion than any of the Pope's bulls in
+the Dark Ages," said Toney.
+
+"He is equal to Apis, the sacred bull of the Egyptians," said the
+Professor, as they arose from their seats and left the amphitheater.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+
+
+At the hotel in Lima the Professor and his friends found the supercargo
+of the ship who had come to hunt up the passengers. The captain had been
+in trouble; the crew having mutinied and refused to work because they
+were not allowed the privilege of a cruise on shore. The controversy
+between the quarter-deck and the forecastle was finally adjusted, and
+the crew agreed to go to work on condition of afterwards having one day
+of liberty. The supercargo said that they were now on shore in Callao,
+and that the vessel would sail on the following morning.
+
+Upon receiving this information, the passengers made preparations to
+proceed on foot to Callao; it being impossible to obtain any vehicle on
+that day, as everything which had wheels or hoofs had gone to the
+bull-fight and had been left behind in the general stampede which
+ensued. The Professor inquired for M. T. Pate, but he was not in the
+hotel, and from information received, it was supposed that he had
+already left the city and proceeded to the port.
+
+Lima, unlike most American cities, is encompassed by a wall. Just beyond
+the gate, which opens on the six miles of level road leading to Callao,
+are a number of mounds heaped up by the ancient inhabitants of the
+country for the purpose of hiding the remains of mortality. But as these
+poor pagans were unwilling to leave the world as unadorned as they had
+entered it, numerous excavations had been made by their Christian
+successors, who had stripped them of their heathenish ornaments, and
+carried them off, to be converted into the images of saints.
+
+The Professor and his companions turned aside from the road and
+proceeded to an inspection of the place.
+
+Hercules had already thrust his long neck into one of the excavations,
+when, with a loud exclamation, he drew suddenly back as if he had
+certainly seen a sight. The Long Green Boy now peeped into the
+aperture, and, starting back, looked as if he were about to exclaim,
+"Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!" But lo! it starts up--it
+moves towards them--long, lean, and spectral!--in robes as white as the
+driven snow, like the shivering shade of an ancient Inca come hither to
+mourn over the extinction of his race.
+
+Hercules assumes the posture of a racer ready to make a desperate
+spring, and only waiting for the word "Go!" The Professor throws himself
+in the attitude of Hamlet in his interesting interview with the ghost.
+Botts clutches the hilt of his bowie-knife and stands prepared to battle
+with whatever may come forth. But hold! rash man, forbear! No horrible
+apparition of an unbaptized infidel is this, but a pious Christian and a
+poor countryman in distress. It is the unfortunate M. T. Pate stalking
+forth with no covering except a single shirt.
+
+Finding no congenial society in the city, he had wandered hither to
+meditate among the tombs. His reveries were rudely interrupted by
+certain grim-looking fellows carrying carbines, one of which was
+presented to his breast with an observation which, for want of an
+interpreter, he was unable to comprehend. Poor Pate was too much awed to
+animadvert upon the sinfulness of such proceedings on Sunday; and these
+bold Sabbath-breakers, having rifled his pockets, stripped him of all
+that he had, and left him in the condition in which he was found.
+
+Having heard his dolorous story, the Professor exclaimed,--
+
+"But, Mr. Pate, what is to be done? You cannot travel along the public
+highway in that condition of nudity."
+
+"If he does," said Toney, "the people will suppose that he is a model
+artist."
+
+"The weather is hot," said Tom Seddon. "And he will not feel
+uncomfortable with nothing on but his shirt."
+
+"If Pate goes into Callao, in a nude condition, he will frighten the
+women into fits," said Toney.
+
+"And he will be arrested and put in the calaboose," said the Professor.
+
+"What is to be done?" asked Toney. "Our trunks are in Callao, and there
+is no spare clothing among us."
+
+"Mr. Pate can have my drawers," said Wiggins. And he pulled them off and
+handed them to his unfortunate friend.
+
+"And I will let him have my coat," said Hercules, pulling it off.
+
+"That coat is like charity," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"It covers a multitude of faults," said the Professor, pointing to the
+giant's linen coat, which completely enveloped the person of Pate and
+hung down to his heels.
+
+"What will Mr. Pate do for a pair of boots?" said Moses.
+
+"Never mind," said Tom Seddon, "the road is sandy and will not hurt his
+bare feet."
+
+"And when he comes to stony places I will carry him on my back," said
+Hercules.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Pate," said Toney.
+
+"And when you return from California with your gold you should by all
+means carefully avoid these localities," said the Professor.
+
+Poor Pate uttered not a word in response to these advisory remarks, but
+all were convinced by the quivering of his lip and other outward signs
+that he was inwardly vowing that he would do so.
+
+They now hurried on; Toney, Tom, and the Professor leading the advance,
+and when about half-way between Lima and Callao, they espied a curious
+kind of cavalry coming up the road. It was the ship's company ashore on
+liberty and making the most of that inestimable blessing. Each jolly tar
+was mounted on a little donkey, and at the head of the cavalcade rode
+Old Nick, having a leadline in his hand; and this steady and experienced
+seaman, apprehensive of shoals or hidden rocks, kept constantly heaving
+the lead and calling out the number of fathoms each time that it fell.
+Once he was heard to cry out "No bottom!" and down went his donkey in a
+hole; but the dauntless navigator assured his shipmates that, though the
+little craft had her lee-rail under, she would soon right up without
+losing a stick of her timber; and the result was just as he had said.
+
+"Where is Pate?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Yonder he is," said Toney, pointing to Pate, about a quarter of a mile
+behind, mounted on the back of Hercules, with Wiggins walking on one
+side and Perch on the other; Botts and Moses bringing up the rear.
+
+"Hercules is carrying him over the stony road," said Tom.
+
+"The giant has a big body and a big heart," said the Professor; "but he
+shall not be treated like a beast of burden. Pate shall ride Old Nick's
+donkey."
+
+"Old Nick will not give up his donkey," said Toney.
+
+"We will see," said the Professor. And he advanced near the spot where
+the huge sailor sat on the little animal with his feet touching the
+ground. Just at that moment Old Nick gave the bridle a jerk.
+
+"Oh--oh! You hurt! Get off my back, you drunken lubber!" exclaimed a
+voice issuing from the mouth of the beast. Old Nick leaped off and fled
+down the road.
+
+"Avast there!" cried Tim.
+
+"Hush up, you old fool! you are drunk too!" said Tim's donkey. The
+sailor rolled off.
+
+"Get off my back!" exclaimed another donkey.
+
+"Get off! get off! you ought all to be hung at the yard-arm for mutiny!"
+shouted each donkey in succession. With wild yells of terror, the
+sailors fled down the road to Callao, ran at full speed through the town
+to the water's edge, leaped into a boat and went on board the vessel.
+
+"Here, Mr. Pate, mount on this donkey," said the Professor, as Pate came
+riding along on the back of Hercules. The Professor selected an animal
+for himself, and he and Pate rode into Callao, and halted at the hotel,
+where they had left their trunks when they had started for Lima.
+
+At the hotel, Pate retired to a room and made his toilet; but when he
+again appeared he was so teased and tormented by certain wicked wags
+that he abruptly left the hotel and rushed into the street. He was seen
+no more. The passengers went on board and the ship was ready to sail.
+The captain went on shore and made inquiry for Pate. Nothing could be
+heard of him, and, after losing several days in a fruitless search, the
+ship finally put to sea.
+
+During the voyage there were numerous discussions in relation to his
+probable fate; but ultimately the opinion prevailed that he had gone
+back to Lima, to pay his bill at the hotel, and had thus been left
+behind. The ship sailed on without him, and after a voyage of two
+months, passed through the Golden Gate, and anchored in the harbor of
+San Francisco.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+
+
+"This seems to be a city of tents," said the Professor, as they stood on
+a hill which has long since been removed, and now forms a portion of the
+artificial foundation for the immense warehouses which stand where their
+ship anchored between Happy Valley and Goat Island.
+
+"I see very few houses," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Only the old Spanish structures built a hundred years ago with adobe
+brick," said the Professor.
+
+"In two years from the present period," said Toney, "you will see houses
+all over this space,--hotels of six stories, and commodious dwellings
+and warehouses."
+
+"Toney is a prophet," said Tom.
+
+"On the very spot where we now stand there is gold in abundance," said
+Toney.
+
+"In these sand-hills?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Yes; in these very sand-hills where we now are," said Toney; "if a man
+has sagacity enough to perceive his chance and avail himself of it."
+
+"I divine your meaning," said the Professor. "Let us buy one of these
+sand-hills."
+
+"That was just what I was about to propose," said Toney.
+
+"What will we do with it?" asked Tom.
+
+"Leave it here and go to the mines," said Toney.
+
+"It won't run away," said the Professor.
+
+"Of what use will it be to us, or anybody else?" said Tom, kicking the
+sand about with his feet.
+
+"In a few years an immense city will extend for miles around," said
+Toney. "Our lot will be in the very center of the town."
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" cried Tom, throwing up his wool hat. "I see! I see!
+let us buy the sand-hill."
+
+"How much money have you?" asked Toney.
+
+"Five thousand dollars," said Tom.
+
+"I have about an equal amount in my trunk," said the Professor.
+
+"And I can raise about as much more," said Toney. "Come, let us make our
+purchase without delay."
+
+Business was then rapidly transacted in the El Dorado of the West,
+where, at that period, immense fortunes were frequently made and lost in
+a month. In a few hours the three friends were the owners of the
+sand-hill, and had their titles secured by deeds duly executed.
+
+On the following morning they hunted up Hercules and his companions, who
+were feasting on wild geese and quails at a tent in Montgomery Street,
+and embarked in a boat for Stockton, from which point they intended to
+proceed across the country to the mines on the Moquelumne River. In the
+afternoon of the same day they were entering the mouth of the San
+Joaquin when a schooner ran by them.
+
+"What place is this?" shouted Toney.
+
+"New York," answered a man on the schooner.
+
+"Not much like New York," said the Professor.
+
+"What place is it?" asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"New York!" shouted the man, with vehemence.
+
+"He knows," said Toney.
+
+"Let us go ashore and dine at the Astor House," said the Professor.
+
+They went on shore, but were unable to find the hotel designated, and
+made a meal on elk meat, in a tent kept by a one-eyed Hibernian; after
+which they again proceeded up the river until about the middle of the
+night, when they lashed to the tulas on the bank, and lay in the bottom
+of the boat, sometimes snoring and at other times fighting the
+mosquitoes.
+
+In the morning they hoisted sail, and in so doing Moses fell over the
+bow of the boat and was hauled in at the stern. After Moses had thus
+performed his ablutions, they sailed on until about ten o'clock, when
+Tom Seddon exclaimed, "This river is as crooked as the track of a snake!
+What mountain is that? It sometimes seems on the larboard, and sometimes
+on the starboard."
+
+"That is Mount Diablo, I suppose, from the description I have had of
+it," said the Professor.
+
+"The Devil's Mountain," said Tom.
+
+"In plain English, the Devil's Mountain," said the Professor.
+
+"I never was so hungry; I could eat a bear," said Tom.
+
+"Better eat a bear than that a bear should eat you," said the Professor.
+
+"I will starve before we get to Stockton," said Tom. "Let us go on shore
+and shoot some game."
+
+"Agreed!" said Toney. And they ran in along shore, and, fastening their
+boat to the bough of a tree, landed and proceeded through the tulas in
+the direction of Mount Diablo. When they had gone about a mile they
+reached an open space surrounded with thickets. Here they halted, and
+were gazing around in search of game, when Tom Seddon suddenly
+exclaimed, "Look! look!"
+
+About two hundred paces from where they stood a man rushed out from the
+thicket, and behind him came forth a huge and ferocious monster
+apparently in pursuit. The hideous beast ran after the man, and striking
+him with its nose under the tail of his coat hurled him headforemost
+about twenty feet. The man fell on his hands and knees, and the monster
+stood still and gazed at him intently.
+
+"The devil!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"From Mount Diablo," said the Professor.
+
+"It is a grizzly bear," said Toney.
+
+"Gracious!" exclaimed Moses.
+
+"That fellow had better run," said Tom.
+
+"He has taken your advice," said the Professor.
+
+"The bear is after him again," said Toney.
+
+"Great thunder! I would as soon be shot out of a cannon!" shouted Tom
+Seddon, as the huge creature thrust its nose under the man's coat and
+propelled him forward with prodigious velocity. The man again fell on
+his hands and knees, and the beast stood still and regarded him with a
+steadfast look.
+
+"The bear is waiting for him to get up," said Tom.
+
+"That's right," said the Professor. "Never strike a man when he is
+down."
+
+"He is on his feet again," said Tom, as the man sprang up and commenced
+running.
+
+"And the bear is at him again," said Toney, as the eccentric monster
+rushed at the man and hurled him headlong with tremendous force.
+
+"Jupiter Tonans!" exclaimed Tom. "That was a settler."
+
+"He is stunned," said Toney, as the man lay motionless with his face on
+the ground. The bear stood still and looked intently at the prostrate
+form. The man did not move. After gazing at him for several moments, the
+bear walked up and smelled him from head to foot.
+
+"Is he going to eat him?" cried Tom.
+
+"I do not believe that he is," said the Professor.
+
+"Look there! Did you ever see the like?" cried Tom, as the bear
+commenced plowing up the earth with its nose and piling it on the man's
+body.
+
+"He is burying him," said Toney.
+
+"That bear has good principles in his composition," said the Professor.
+"He buries his dead."
+
+The bear continued to pile the earth over the man until he had raised
+quite a mound, when he turned round, and, at a shuffling gait, went off
+in the direction of Mount Diablo, and was soon hidden in the thicket.
+
+Toney and his friends now ran to the spot where the man was buried. The
+end of his coat was visible. Toney and Tom tugged at the tail of the
+coat, while the Professor aided in the disinterment by kicking off the
+earth with his feet.
+
+"By the powers of mud!" was uttered in a hoarse voice, and the man
+sprang erect.
+
+"Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney, in astonishment.
+
+"Great thunder!" cried Tom.
+
+The astonishment of Bragg was equal to that of Toney and Tom. He was
+covered with dirt, and swore vehemently "by the powers of mud." He
+eventually became more composed, and, while walking to the boat,
+accounted for the condition in which he was found. In coming down the
+river he had quarreled with the captain of the vessel, and challenged
+him to single combat. The captain had rudely refused to accept the
+challenge, and put Bragg on shore, where, in wandering about, he had
+encountered the bear.
+
+"Look!--look!--what's that?" cried Moses, as an agile creature with very
+long ears sprang up before them.
+
+"It is a young donkey," said Toney.
+
+Tom fired his gun and the animal fell dead.
+
+"In this country it is called a jackass rabbit," said Bragg, as Tom
+shouldered his game and carried it to the boat.
+
+A fire was kindled, and in a short time they were feasting on the
+broiled flesh of the rabbit. During the meal Botts and Bragg regarded
+each other with looks of savage ferocity, but no words were exchanged
+between them. Toney's mind was relieved from anxiety when Bragg pointed
+to a schooner coming down the river, and said,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, you would confer a great favor by putting me on board
+yonder vessel. I intend to proceed to San Francisco and settle with that
+villainous captain."
+
+The boat put off from the shore and conveyed Bragg to the schooner, and
+then proceeded up the river. When they were about six miles from
+Stockton, half a dozen barges filled with armed men came around a bend
+in the river.
+
+"Boat ahoy!" cried a tall man standing up in the foremost barge. No
+attention was paid to this hail, and the boat was kept on its course. In
+an instant more than fifty rifles were leveled at them, and Perch and
+Wiggins crouched down in the bottom of the boat and covered themselves
+with a buffalo robe.
+
+"What do you want?" cried Toney.
+
+"We are hunting for Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher,"
+exclaimed several men in the barges, which now came alongside.
+
+"They are not here," said Toney.
+
+"We will see," said one of the men. "Who is that hiding there?" And he
+jerked the buffalo robe aside and beheld Perch's fiery head of hair.
+
+"Red Mike!" he exclaimed.
+
+"And that is Long-Nose Jack," said another man, pointing to Wiggins's
+extraordinary nasal projection.
+
+"And there is the Preacher," said a big fellow, gazing sternly at Moses,
+who, from his peculiar conformation, looked much like a parson in
+disguise.
+
+"The Preacher is the worst of the whole gang," said one of the men.
+
+"We will hang him on the highest limb," said another.
+
+"Good heavens, gentlemen! you are not going to hang them?" exclaimed
+Toney.
+
+"They have done nothing!" cried Tom.
+
+"They have just landed in California," said the Professor.
+
+"You three fellows shut up," said one of the men. "We have got nothing
+against you, but we know these chaps. They are New York Hounds. Robbed a
+tent last night. We'll hang them as soon as we get back to Stockton."
+
+Moses and Perch were dumb with terror, as they were dragged into one of
+the barges, while Wiggins ejaculated,--
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" With loud cheers the men rowed away in the
+direction of Stockton. Toney and his friends followed, but were soon
+left far behind.
+
+When the lynching-party reached Stockton with their captives, loud
+shouts were heard on shore.
+
+"They have got them! they have got them! Ropes!--ropes!" were the cries,
+as the unfortunate prisoners were dragged from the barge.
+
+"Hang them! hang them!" was shouted and screamed by infuriated men, who
+came running with ropes prepared for the execution of the robbers. The
+affrighted prisoners were hurried to a large oak, which stood about a
+hundred yards from the main street. Three mules were now led to the
+spot, and the supposed felons, with ropes around their necks, were made
+to mount on the backs of the animals. A man climbed into the tree and
+fastened the ropes to a large horizontal limb. Each mule was held by
+its bridle, while a man stood behind with a whip, ready to apply the
+lash at a given signal.
+
+"Now," said a tall individual, who seemed to be the leader of the
+lynchers, "if you three fellows have got any thing to say, sing out. You
+have got five minutes to live. When I fire off this pistol, the mules
+will jump from under you, and you are gone."
+
+"Oh!--oh!--oh!" groaned Perch.
+
+"Tell my father," said Moses, turning his head round and looking
+piteously at Perch, "that I was hung for nothing."
+
+"I can't tell him," said Perch, "I've got to be hung
+myself,--oh!--oh!--oh!"
+
+"You have three minutes left," said the man with the pistol, looking at
+his watch.
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" ejaculated Wiggins.
+
+"If that's all you've got to say, you might as well shut up and be hung
+at once. Two minutes left!"
+
+"Oh! oh! oh!" groaned Perch.
+
+"One minute!"
+
+"Mercy!--mercy!--mercy!" cried Moses.
+
+The man cocked his pistol and elevated it over his head.
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" screamed Wiggins.
+
+"Hold on!" cried a voice in the crowd.
+
+"What's broke loose?" said the man, lowering his pistol and turning
+round.
+
+"Here comes the Alcalde!" shouted a number of voices, as a rough fellow,
+with long hair, galloped up and halted his panting horse in front of the
+gallows.
+
+"What are you doing there?" asked he. And he glanced at Moses and his
+comrades, sitting on the mules, with the ropes around their necks.
+
+"Hanging Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher," said the man with
+the pistol in his hand.
+
+"You have waked up the wrong passengers. We caught the infernal thieves
+on the road to San Jos�. Here they are," said the Alcalde, as a party of
+men galloped up, having three prisoners in custody with their hands tied
+behind their backs.
+
+"Let these men go," said the Alcalde, pointing to Moses and the other
+two who were just about to be hung.
+
+The supposed robbers were released and the real offenders placed on the
+backs of the mules.
+
+"Run!" cried Moses, "run! run!" And he and his two companions fled in
+headlong haste to the water's edge, and encountered Toney and the other
+occupants of the boat, who were just landing.
+
+"Where are you going?" said Toney, as all three leaped into the boat and
+seized the oars.
+
+"Home!" exclaimed Moses.
+
+"Back to the States!" cried Perch.
+
+"I wouldn't stay here a week for all the gold in the mountains!" shouted
+Wiggins.
+
+"Come back! don't be fools! it was all a mistake," said Toney.
+
+"You'll be murdered," said Wiggins.
+
+"Oh, Toney, come with us! They will hang you if you stay here!" cried
+Moses.
+
+"Don't make dunces of yourselves," said Toney.
+
+"Good-by!" said Wiggins.
+
+"Farewell! farewell!" cried Perch.
+
+"God bless you, Toney!" ejaculated Moses, as he and Perch commenced
+pulling vigorously at the oars, while Wiggins laid hold on the tiller.
+
+They rested not during the whole ensuing night, and in the afternoon of
+the next day arrived at San Francisco. A steamer was about to sail, and
+they immediately went on board, and in a fortnight were landed at
+Panama.
+
+Having procured mules, they proceeded across the Isthmus to Cruces.
+
+Here they entered a public house, and behind the bar beheld a
+bald-headed man washing a bottle.
+
+"Look there!" exclaimed Perch.
+
+"Mr. Pate!" cried Wiggins.
+
+The bald-headed man looked up, and, uttering a cry of recognition,
+dropped the bottle, and, running from behind the bar, threw his arms
+around Wiggins's neck and hugged him fraternally.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+
+
+When M. T. Pate rushed from the hotel in Callao, he had been rendered
+frantic by the ridicule of the merciless wags by whom he was surrounded.
+Blinded with passion, he was hurrying along, not knowing nor caring
+whither he went, when he ran over a buzzard in the street and fell flat
+on his face. Springing to his feet, he struck the bird a heavy blow with
+a stick which laid it dead in the gutter. These industrious scavengers
+are protected by law in the Peruvian cities, and hardly had Pate
+committed this outrage when he was seized by a couple of soldiers and
+carried to the calaboose. For many weeks Pate pined in prison, living on
+exceedingly low diet. He was plunged in the depths of despair, and
+supposed that he would have to end his days in captivity as an expiation
+for his offense. He could see but a single gleam of hope. An earthquake
+might come and shake down the walls of his prison, and he might thus
+effect his escape. But there appeared to be a dearth of earthquakes in
+the country just at that time. Pate had often, during a long drought,
+read the prayers in church for rain, and he now used the same formula
+and prayed for an earthquake. But no convulsion of nature occurred,
+although he would often put his ear to the floor, and eagerly listen for
+the rumbling sounds which usually precede a subterranean commotion. One
+afternoon an old American tar was put in the calaboose for riotous
+conduct while drunk. The sailor lay on the floor, in the same room with
+Pate, and slept soundly until about the middle of the night, when he
+woke up sobered and in the full possession of his faculties. Pate was on
+his knees, loudly and fervently praying for an earthquake. The old salt
+sat on the floor and listened until he began to comprehend, when he
+became much excited.
+
+"Avast, you lubber!" he cried out, springing to his feet.
+
+Pate paid no attention. He was so absorbed in his devotions as not to
+be conscious of exterior surroundings.
+
+"Stop your yarn!" said the sailor.
+
+Pate heeded him not.
+
+"Shiver my timbers!" shouted the old tar, fiercely, "if I don't plug up
+your dead-lights!" And he seized Pate by the collar and thrust his huge
+fist under his nose.
+
+"Murder!" cried Pate.
+
+"Murder, and bloody murder, it will be, if you don't stop spinning your
+yarn," said the sailor.
+
+"Who are you? who are you?" cried Pate.
+
+"Belong to the ship Fredonia," said the tar.
+
+"Did you kill a buzzard?" said Pate.
+
+"No; I got drunk. They'll let me out in the morning. I've been here
+before."
+
+"Will you get out? I'll have to stay here all my life."
+
+"What sort of a cruise have you been on that brought you into this port?
+What did they put you here for?"
+
+"I killed a buzzard."
+
+"If you'd killed a man they wouldn't have minded it much. But they think
+more of their blasted buzzards than they do of their shovel-hats."
+
+"Will I ever get out?" cried Pate. "Oh, that I could get a letter to my
+friends!"
+
+"Are you an American man?"
+
+"I am! I am! And in a dirty prison for killing a buzzard!"
+
+"Give me your paw, shipmate! I'll stand by you. Good luck was the wind
+that brought me under your stern."
+
+Pate and the old tar now had a long talk, and it was determined that the
+former should address a note to the American consul, which he did;
+writing with a pencil on a blank leaf torn from his pocket-book. In the
+morning the sailor was released, and carried Pate's communication to the
+consul, who transmitted it to the American minister at Lima.
+
+The condition of the unhappy captive thus came to the knowledge of the
+representative of the great republic; who told the Peruvian government,
+in plain terms, that his country would not permit one of her citizens
+to remain in prison during so long a period, merely for the paltry
+offense of slaying a turkey-buzzard. An angry correspondence ensued; and
+during its pendency, a heavy American frigate and two corvettes came
+into the harbor of Callao, and anchored with their broadsides bearing
+upon the fort. The decided tone of the minister who was a man of nerve
+and determination, and the presence of this formidable force, convinced
+the Peruvian authorities that his Excellency was in earnest; and being
+in no condition to risk a bombardment, much less a ruinous war with a
+nation so powerful as the United States, they consented to the release
+of the prisoner on condition that he should leave the country within
+forty-eight hours.
+
+Pate now determined to return home without delay. He had long since
+become disgusted with gold-hunting; and the home-sickness, which came
+over him in the calaboose, continued after he got out. So he immediately
+took passage on an English brig bound for Panama; intending to proceed
+by way of the Isthmus to New York.
+
+Having purchased a monkey to keep him company during the voyage, he went
+on board, and the vessel sailed. He had a pleasant passage until they
+were within a day's sail of Panama, when he met with a sad mishap. He
+was sitting on deck, dandling his monkey on his knee, when a careless
+lubber let a pot containing red paint fall from the tops. The paint was
+spattered over M. T. Pate, who thought that it was his own blood and
+brains, and under this impression, supposing that he would have to give
+up the ghost, fainted away. But a bucket of salt-water being dashed in
+his face by an old tar, he revived, and, looking around, perceived that
+his monkey was dead. The pot had hit it on the head and killed it
+instantly. He mourned over his monkey until he reached Panama, where he
+rested a day, and then bought a mule and started across the Isthmus.
+
+At a short distance from Cruces, in sight of the road, is a large ship's
+anchor lying in the wood. How it came there nobody can tell. Many
+suppose that it was conveyed from the Caribbean Sea up the Chagres River
+by Pizarro and his Spaniards, when they were proceeding to Panama to
+construct vessels for the conquest of Peru; and that being unable to
+transport it any farther by land, they had left it lying in the forest.
+
+Pate tied his mule to a tree, and, walking aside from the road, seated
+himself on the anchor and began to meditate.
+
+"Here," said he, in a soliloquy, "once stood Pizarro the Conqueror. No
+daring robber, animated by the sordid love of gold, was that great man.
+He came to destroy the pagan superstitions of a benighted land, and to
+extend the blessings of civilization over an entire continent."
+
+As Pate uttered these words, his guardian angel, who was anxiously
+hovering over him, wanted to warn him of his danger, but was unable to
+do so. A man of savage aspect had crept from a thicket in his rear, and,
+with a catlike step, was cautiously advancing, having a heavy club
+raised in readiness to strike.
+
+"In those days," said Pate, "all was darkness and barbarism; but now,
+the benign influences of----"
+
+The club descended. Pate beheld a whole constellation, and several
+planets at mid-day, and sank senseless to the earth.
+
+When Pate opened his eyes it was late in the afternoon. Flocks of
+parrots were fluttering around him, and multitudes of monkeys were
+chattering and nimbly leaping among the boughs of the trees. He arose
+from the greensward with a bad headache, and discovered that he had been
+robbed. His money was gone, and his mule had disappeared. Without a
+dollar, he was in a strange land and thousands of miles from home. He
+staggered on until he reached Cruces, where he entered a public house
+kept by an American, to whom he related his misfortunes.
+
+The man had just lost his bar-keeper, and employed M. T. Pate to wait
+upon his customers until he could earn money enough to pay his passage
+to the United States. And here he was found by Wiggins and his
+companions washing a bottle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+
+
+Wiggins and his friends furnished the unfortunate Pate with pecuniary
+means, and he accompanied them to Chagres and embarked for New York,
+where in due time they arrived, and immediately took passage on the
+Southern train. About a week after his arrival in Mapleton, Pate
+received a visit from the father of the fair Juliet, who informed him
+that his daughter, the wife of Romeo, had discovered that there had been
+a misapprehension on her part in regard to Pate's conduct.
+
+"There has been a sad mistake," said Mr. Singleton. "You honestly
+believed that my daughter had beaten you, and did not intend to slander
+her when you so asserted."
+
+"She did beat me, sir," said Pate, "and most barbarously. She knocked me
+down with her fist and then broke my arm."
+
+"You thought so," said Mr. Singleton; "but it was a mistake."
+
+"How could it be a mistake?" cried Pate. "Did I not feel the blow from
+her fist? Did I not see her standing over me, kicking me with her foot
+and beating me with a terrible club? Was not my arm broken? Did I not
+lie in bed for weeks? And then to sue me! And now I am a ruined man! I
+have not a dollar in the world!"
+
+And the big tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought of his destitute
+condition.
+
+"Mr. Pate," said the father of the fair Juliet, visibly affected by
+Pate's distress, "I am rich, and so is my daughter's husband. She is my
+only child and will inherit all my wealth. She don't want your property.
+Your farm has been purchased by us, and a deed prepared securing the
+title to you. Here is the deed, sir, and here is a check on my banker
+for a sum equal to the value of your personal property, which was sold
+by the sheriff. Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Mr. Singleton hurried away,
+leaving Pate dumb with amazement.
+
+After having been haunted by bad lack for a long period Fortune smiled
+upon M. T. Pate at last. The first thing he did, after being
+re-established in his former home, was to hunt up old Whitey, then in
+the possession of Simon Rump. Simon's angel had gone to Abraham's bosom,
+and the eldest of the female cherubs, who had now assumed the appearance
+of a full-grown woman, kept house for the bereaved Rump. When Pate
+called at the house he found his friend Perch seated by the side of the
+female cherub, who was evidently delighted with his society. Perch was
+entertaining the cherub with an account of his adventures by sea and
+land, and, like Desdemona,--
+
+
+     "She swore, in faith, 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange;
+     'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful;
+     She wished she had not heard it; yet she wished
+     That Heaven had made her such a man."
+
+
+The sagacity of M. T. Pate enabled him to perceive that Perch and the
+cherub were in the incipient stages of love, and he left them in that
+embarrassing condition and sought Simon Rump, whom he found feeding his
+hogs. Rump agreed to give up old Whitey, and Pate paid the ransom for
+his horse and rode home in a happy mood of mind.
+
+Next morning, as he was riding his four-footed friend through the
+streets of Mapleton, he perceived Wiggins walking with the widow whom he
+had once led to the altar but failed to marry, owing to an unfortunate
+blunder. They had evidently become reconciled; and Wiggins was now
+performing the part of Othello, and employing the witchcraft which that
+dusky hero had used in wooing Brabantio's daughter.
+
+As Pate rode on he met Gideon Foot, who informed him that Bliss had been
+blessed with an heir, and the boy was to be named M. T. Pate. Love had a
+sweet babe several weeks old, that looked like a Cupid smiling in the
+cradle, and very recently a pretty pair of young Doves had made their
+appearance in the town of Mapleton.
+
+Pate rode home in a meditative mood. A strange feeling came over him; a
+feeling he had never experienced before; and as he sat in his lonely
+abode, absorbed in meditation, it became stronger, and finally obtained
+the mastery.
+
+"I see it plainly!" he exclaimed, in a soliloquy. "It is useless for man
+to seek to avoid his destiny. Inevitable Fate will pursue him wherever
+he goes. He cannot escape. My time has come. I must marry." He uttered
+these last words in great agitation, and trembled from head to foot. In
+a few moments he started up and exclaimed,--
+
+"I must marry;--but whom?"
+
+He could not answer this question, and held it under consideration for
+several months, without being able to arrive at a satisfactory
+conclusion.
+
+During this period he witnessed the marriage of Perch and the cherub,
+and waited on Wiggins when the latter again led the blushing widow to
+the altar, and, on a second trial, responded pertinently and
+satisfactorily to the interrogatories propounded by the parson. His two
+friends were now in the midst of domestic bliss, while he was unable to
+solve the question, which was perplexing him during the day and
+interrupting his slumbers at night.
+
+While in this condition of mind, he visited the metropolis of the State,
+and on a bright sunny day drove a young widow in his buggy to see a
+magnificent country residence, located a few miles from the city, which
+had just been completed, but was not yet occupied by the owner. With his
+fair companion on his arm he entered the building, and much time was
+spent in a critical examination of the various apartments, from the hall
+to the attic. The widow at last complained of fatigue, and seated
+herself in one of the parlors. Pate blandly requested her to excuse his
+absence for a few moments, and said that he would go down and explore
+the cellar. The lady waited for a long time and then began to feel
+lonesome, and finally becoming quite uneasy, impatiently exclaimed,--
+
+"What in the world has become of him?"
+
+Hardly had these words escaped her lips when she was horrified by
+hearing most singular and startling sounds coming up from the cellar
+below. It seemed as if a multitude of dogs, of every size and breed, had
+been let loose, and were all yelping and barking at the same time;
+while amidst this canine uproar could be distinguished a human voice
+lustily shrieking,--
+
+"Get out! get out! Help! help! Murder! murder!"
+
+The lady was astonished and frightened, but had courage enough to rush
+towards the scene of action. But as soon as she had reached the head of
+the stairway leading to the cellar, a sight met her eyes which compelled
+her to retire; for modesty forbade her taking any part in the strife,
+although her companion was vastly overpowered and sadly in need of
+assistance. On the stairway stood M. T. Pate; having just escaped from
+the combined assault made upon him by a large number of dogs which had
+been temporarily confined in the cellar by the proprietor of the
+mansion. The whole of poor Pate's under-garments had been torn from his
+person, and there he stood in a tailless coat and a stout pair of boots,
+thanking a merciful Providence for the preservation of his life. In this
+condition he did not dare to appear in the presence of his fair
+companion, and communication was carried on between them, by each taking
+a position in a separate apartment and calling to the other in a voice
+raised to a high key. After a prolonged consultation conducted in this
+manner, the widow proposed to leave one of her under-garments in the
+room which she then occupied and retreat to another, while he came in
+and put it on. Poor Pate thankfully accepted the loan which the kind
+lady offered him; being driven to this shift to hide his nudity. He and
+the widow were compelled to remain in that lonely mansion until the
+shades of night covered the earth, when he drove her in his buggy back
+to the city. He left her at her door and proceeded with his buggy to a
+livery-stable. Here the sight of his strange habiliments created great
+amazement among the hostlers and stable-boys; and when he started up the
+street in his robes he was arrested by the police and carried to a
+station-house; where he spent the whole night weeping and wailing on a
+hard oaken bench. In the morning he was taken before a magistrate, where
+his strange story was listened to with wonder mingled with much
+merriment; and being entirely satisfactory, he obtained his discharge,
+as well as the loan of a coat and a pair of pantaloons.
+
+On the following day Pate called upon the widow and restored the
+garment borrowed from her, after the brutal assault upon his person in
+the lonely mansion. She blushed when she received it, and sank into a
+chair overcome with emotion. The heart of a woman is an inexplicable
+puzzle. Newton, with his mighty mind, could comprehend the movements of
+suns and planets and calculate their density; but woman was to him an
+incomprehensible problem, even when he pressed the hand of a fair lady
+who sat by his side, and felt that he could make so free as to thrust
+her finger into the bowl of his pipe. Who can tell what caused the widow
+to bestow her affections on M. T. Pate? Perhaps, after he had so nearly
+fallen a bleeding victim to canine ferocity,--
+
+
+     "She loved him for the dangers he had passed,
+      And he loved her that she did pity them."
+
+
+Upon no other hypothesis can we account for the fact that after he had
+been in constant attendance on the widow for several weeks they were
+married. A few days afterwards a carriage drove through the streets of
+Mapleton, in which sat M. T. Pate and his bride. The event was announced
+in the local newspaper, which also contained an obituary notice of the
+death of Samuel Crabstick, who had left a will, by which he bestowed the
+riches he had so carefully hoarded on his niece, the beautiful Ida
+Somers.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+
+
+By the will of her uncle, Ida was in possession of a large estate. The
+fair young girl was without a near relative in the world. Colonel
+Hazlewood kindly undertook the management of her property; and, at the
+invitation of Rosabel and her mother, she made her home in the mansion
+of the Widow Wild. On a certain day we there find her seated in her room
+and engaged in composition. Her little fingers run rapidly over the
+pages, and soon finish a letter of several sheets of gilt-edged
+note-paper. She gazes intently at her own name, written in a beautiful
+hand at the bottom of the last page, and then she kisses it. Having so
+done, she folds the letter, and then opens it and imprints another kiss
+on the same spot. Now, why did the young lady kiss her own name written
+at the end of the letter? Love has its unerring instincts, and Ida knew
+that as soon as a certain young gentleman opened that letter, and saw
+the name at the bottom of the last page, he would rapturously imprint a
+multitude of kisses on that particular spot. How did the young maiden
+know this? Had she not received a number of letters, and as soon as she
+saw "Tom" written at the end of each, had she not looked around to
+ascertain if any one was observing her; and then had not her ruby lips
+kissed the beloved name again and again in rapid succession? Thus Tom
+had been kissing Ida and Ida had been kissing Tom, for the last six
+months, with a whole continent between them.
+
+The kiss was carefully sealed up in an envelope and conveyed to the
+post-office at Mapleton. The iron monster attached to a train of cars,
+rushing through the hills and over the valleys, carried it to New York.
+A magnificent steamer transported it over the Atlantic's waves, and
+across the Mexican Golf and the Caribbean Sea to the mouth of the
+Chagres River; and from thence it traveled in a canoe to Gorgona and
+Cruces; and then rode on the back of a mule to Panama, where another
+steamer received it, and plowing through the billows of the Pacific,
+entered the Golden Gate, and took it as far as San Francisco; and from
+thence, on another steamer, it proceeded up the bay, and entering the
+river, arrived at the city of Sacramento; and then rode on the back of
+another mule across the prairies and among the mountains, and was safely
+deposited in a post-office in a mining-town, where Toney Belton was
+awaiting the arrival of the mail. We thus see how many means of
+transportation were required to convey a young lady's kiss to her lover.
+
+But where was the lover? About three miles from that post-office, on the
+side of a ravine, stood a young man clad in a pair of loose trousers and
+a red shirt. He appeared to be engaged in culinary operations, and was,
+in fact, cooking flapjacks. His rifle leaned against a tree; his wool
+hat lay on the ground; the sleeves of his red shirt were rolled up to
+the elbow; his long beard was parted and tied in a knot behind his neck,
+so as to escape being scorched when he stooped over the fire; and he
+grasped the handle of a frying-pan, used instead of an oven, and watched
+the effect of the heat upon the material lying in the bottom of the pan.
+And now he lifts the pan from the fire and gives it a peculiar toss, and
+up flies a flapjack in the air about three feet above the pan, and,
+turning over as it descends, is caught and ready to be baked on the
+other side. Just as this feat was accomplished, a voice cried out,--
+
+"Here, Tom, is a letter!"
+
+Tom dropped the flapjack on the fire, and, in great excitement, ran to
+the spot where Toney Belton had just dismounted from a mule. The mule
+kicked at him, but Tom dodged, and, receiving the letter, hurried behind
+a pine-tree, and, seating himself on a rock, opened it. He turned it
+over, and seeing the signature, he kissed Ida several times in quick
+succession. Thus was Ida's kiss, after having traveled more than ten
+thousand miles, safely conveyed to Tom's lips.
+
+Tom Seddon read the letter and was the happiest man in the diggings.
+When he came to the last line he kissed Ida again. Tom read the letter
+over five times, and at the close of each reading his lips approached
+the paper and tenderly pressed it. When he came from behind the tree,
+Toney had eaten all the flapjacks which had been baked. He told Toney
+that old Crabstick was dead and that he must go home.
+
+"And so must I," said Toney.
+
+"We will start to-morrow," said Tom.
+
+"We will start from the mines to-morrow," said Toney.
+
+"I wish you had a hundred thousand dollars," said Tom.
+
+"I have more than a hundred thousand dollars," said Toney. "Read that."
+And he handed Tom a letter addressed to himself. Tom read it, and then
+ran to the place where his wool hat lay on the ground, and, seizing it,
+threw it up in the air.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted Tom. "You can now marry Rosabel!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+
+
+"Our sand-hill has been sold," said Toney, after Tom had concluded his
+enthusiastic demonstrations.
+
+"And for five hundred thousand dollars!" said Tom.
+
+"Good news for Charley when he comes into camp."
+
+"It is time he had returned. He and Botts and Hercules have been
+prospecting since last Monday."
+
+"They will be here to-day."
+
+"Yonder comes Hercules now. What is that he has got? It looks like a
+coyote."
+
+"No, it is a young deer."
+
+Hercules walked up to the fire, and, nodding his head, threw his game on
+the ground.
+
+"Where is Charley?" asked Toney.
+
+Hercules pointed with his finger, and the Professor was seen
+approaching.
+
+"Where is Botts?" asked Tom.
+
+"He is dead," said Hercules.
+
+"Dead!" cried Tom.
+
+"Got killed," said Hercules, laconically; for he was tired and taciturn.
+
+"Got killed!" exclaimed Toney. "How?"
+
+"He'll tell you," said Hercules, pointing to the Professor, who now came
+up.
+
+"It is true," said the Professor. "Botts is no more. He met with a
+violent death."
+
+"How did it happen?" asked Toney.
+
+"He fell a victim to his ungovernable temper," said the Professor. "On
+yesterday morning he and I left Hercules cooking some game, and
+proceeded to a mining-town which we saw at a distance. Botts rode on a
+mule and I walked by his side. As we entered the town, Botts called out
+to a man whom we met,--
+
+"'What place is this?'
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.
+
+"'What?' cried Botts, with a savage look. The man made no answer, but
+went on his way whistling. We had gone a little farther when another man
+approached us.
+
+"'What place is this?' asked Botts.
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.
+
+"'What's that you say?' exclaimed Botts, glaring at the stranger with a
+ferocious aspect. The man was evidently of a timid disposition. He
+looked frightened and hurried on. Botts swore vehemently, and said that
+the next fellow who cursed him would catch it. As we went along we saw a
+man on the brow of a hill which rose abruptly from the river. The man
+had his back towards us, and before him, standing on its hind legs, was
+a kangaroo dog. The man seemed to be instructing the dog in the art of
+dancing.
+
+"'I say, stranger,' cried Botts, 'what place is this?'
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man, without turning around.
+
+"Botts uttered a howl of rage and sprang from his mule.
+
+"'By the powers of mud!' shouted the man, facing about."
+
+"It was Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Yes; it was Bragg," said the Professor. "Botts and Bragg eyed each
+other like two angry beasts. Both had weapons, but neither thought of
+drawing them. Each sprang at his enemy's throat. They were soon rolling
+on the ground and fiercely fighting. Botts was uppermost, when the
+kangaroo dog seized him by the seat of his breeches. A little bull
+terrier ran out from a tent and caught the kangaroo dog by the throat.
+Uttering howls of rage, and clutching each other by the throat, men and
+dogs rolled over and over, down the hill and into the river."
+
+"Into the water?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Yes; into the water ten feet deep."
+
+"What became of them?" cried Toney.
+
+"The dogs ceased to fight and swam ashore," said the Professor.
+
+"But the men?" said Toney.
+
+"They continued to clutch each other by the throat, and were swept away
+by the rapid current, and sank to rise no more."
+
+"What an awful fate!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Too awful to talk about," said the Professor. "Let us select some more
+pleasant topic of conversation."
+
+"We have good news for you," said Toney.
+
+"What's that?" asked the Professor.
+
+Toney now informed him of the sale of the sand-hill, and of their
+intention to return to the States. A long consultation ensued, and by
+the time it had ended, Hercules had cooked the deer and it had grown
+dark. While they were eating the venison, two men encamped, and kindled
+a fire under a pine-tree, at a distance of about fifty yards from where
+they sat. After Hercules had satisfied the keen demands of hunger, he
+walked off, and, laying himself down by the trunk of a fallen tree, was
+soon in a sound sleep. Toney, Tom, and the Professor continued their
+conversation until a late hour.
+
+"And now, Charley," said Toney, "as this is to be our last night in the
+mines, let us have some music."
+
+"Give us 'Oft in the Stilly Night,'" said Tom.
+
+The Professor drew a flute from his pocket and played the air which had
+been requested. As he concluded, a clear, manly voice, at the
+neighboring camp-fire, was heard singing:
+
+
+     The voice! the voice of music!
+       The melancholy flute!
+     Mournfully on the midnight air,
+       When all else is mute!
+
+     As if some gentle spirit,
+       With softly trembling voice,
+     Imprisoned in that hollow reed,
+       Mourned o'er perished joys!
+
+     Cease! cease that mournful music!
+       Oh, cease that plaintive strain!
+     It bids me feel as I would feel
+       Never more again!
+
+     The fairest hopes long blighted,
+       And youth's bright visions o'er,
+     And joys that shone so heavenly bright,
+       Gone for evermore!
+
+     These mem'ries rush upon me
+       With each sweet, mournful air;
+     Then, cease! in mercy, cease that strain!
+       Forbear! oh, forbear!
+
+
+"Good heavens!" exclaimed Toney, "I recognize that voice!" And he sprang
+up and ran to the camp-fire. Two stalwart young men, in the rough garbs
+of miners, were standing with their backs to the blazing logs.
+
+"Harry Vincent!" cried Toney.
+
+"Clarence Hastings!" shouted Tom Seddon, as he rushed forward and
+grasped his long-lost friends each by the hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L.
+
+
+"What a madman I have been!" cried Harry.
+
+"And what a crazy fool I have been for five long years!" exclaimed
+Clarence.
+
+"I have been an idiot!" said Harry.
+
+"And I have been a brute!" said Clarence, "to desert her as I did!"
+
+"She is an angel!" cried Harry.
+
+"What must she think of me?" groaned Clarence.
+
+"Let us go back to the States!" said Harry, springing up impulsively.
+
+"You can't go to-night. We will all be off in the morning," said Tom
+Seddon.
+
+These exclamations were uttered by the two young men after a
+conversation, in which all that has been long known to the reader was
+fully explained.
+
+In the morning, before the woodpecker's tap was heard on the bark of the
+lofty pines, the young men were on their feet, and making preparations
+for their departure.
+
+"Where is Hercules?" asked Toney.
+
+"He is sleeping by the side of yonder old log," said Tom.
+
+"I will wake him," said Toney. And he proceeded to the spot pointed out,
+and came running back as pale as a ghost.
+
+"What's the matter?" asked Tom.
+
+Toney could hardly speak. He gasped out,--
+
+"A rattlesnake is coiled up on his blanket!"
+
+Tom Seddon was about to run to the spot, when Harry Vincent held him
+back.
+
+"Hush!" said Harry. "Make no noise, or he is a dead man!"
+
+He and Clarence then took their rifles and advanced cautiously to the
+place where Hercules lay in a sound sleep. The reptile was coiled up
+with its head nearly touching his shoulder. Harry put the muzzle of his
+rifle within an inch of the snake's head and fired.
+
+Hercules leaped up and uttered a howl. He turned round and beheld two
+strange men standing before him with rifles in their hands. With a wild
+yell of terror the giant fled across the ravine, and along a road
+leading over a mountain.
+
+"Come back! come back!" shouted Toney.
+
+But Hercules continued his flight.
+
+"Mount that mule, Tom, and ride after him, or the fool won't stop
+running until he gets to Oregon," said Toney.
+
+Tom mounted the mule, and, after a long chase, captured the giant and
+brought him back to camp.
+
+"Look there!" said Tom, pointing to the decapitated serpent.
+
+"Was that it?" said Hercules. "He's a whopper!" And he stooped down and
+examined the dead body of his bed-fellow.
+
+"Eighteen rattles and a button!" said Tom.
+
+"Which indicate that he has lived twenty-one years," said Clarence.
+
+"The snake had arrived at years of discretion," said the Professor.
+
+"He showed very little discretion in selecting Hercules for a sleeping
+partner," said Toney.
+
+"The firm of Hercules & Co. would be a dangerous one to deal with,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"To avoid it would have been prudent during the lifetime of his deceased
+partner," said Toney.
+
+"What are you going to do with them?" asked Tom, as Hercules cut off the
+rattles and put them in his pocket.
+
+"Carry them with me to the States, when I go," said Hercules.
+
+"We are going back now," said Tom.
+
+"Are you going?" asked Hercules.
+
+"Yes," said Tom; "we are getting ready to start."
+
+"I will go too," said Hercules; "I have got gold enough."
+
+"What will you do with your gold when you get home?" asked Tom.
+
+"Buy a farm, and then----" Hercules hesitated and blushed.
+
+"Well, what then?" asked Toney.
+
+"I will marry my little cousin," said the giant.
+
+"That's right!" said Toney.
+
+"Who is your little cousin?" asked Tom.
+
+"Polly Sampson. She is a very little woman, but she is very pretty."
+
+"Well, come help us to pack up, and we will all be off," said Tom.
+
+"And you can go home and marry Polly Sampson," said Toney.
+
+Hercules went to work with alacrity, and they were soon packed up, and
+on the road to Sacramento; which place they reached late at night, and
+on the following evening were in San Francisco. They were detained in
+the city of Saint Francis several days; and the business relating to the
+sale of their sand-hill having been completed, Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor went on board the steamer with their fortunes in their
+money-belts, in the shape of drafts on banking-houses in New York. They
+soon passed through the Golden Gate and were on the broad waters of the
+Pacific Ocean. The weather was fine, and the vessel was remarkable for
+her speed. In a few days they were running along in sight of the coast
+of Lower California, and about two leagues from the land. The Professor
+was on deck, with a telescope in his hand, looking at the desolate
+coast, when he suddenly cried out,--
+
+"There are several persons standing on the beach."
+
+"They are pelicans," said the captain. "At a distance they are often
+mistaken for human beings."
+
+"Human beings they are," said the Professor; "and, good heavens! there
+is a woman among them. They have a white handkerchief elevated as a
+signal of distress."
+
+The captain took the telescope, and, after looking through it, said,--
+
+"You are right. There are several men; and there is a woman among them."
+
+"This coast is uninhabited," said the Professor. "Who can they be?"
+
+"Persons escaped from some wreck," said the captain.
+
+"Put the ship about! Run her in towards the land! They must be rescued!"
+cried the Professor.
+
+"I dare not do it; the water is shoal," said the captain. "We must stop
+the engines and lower a boat."
+
+The order was given; the engines stop, and the boat lowered, and into it
+leaped Toney and the Professor; while six seamen manned the oars. The
+boat put off from the vessel; and the sailors pulling with a will, they
+were soon approaching the shore. Several men were seen standing on a
+rock, and one of them was waving a white handkerchief. They cheered, and
+were responded to by the loud huzzas of the party in the boat, which
+grounded within a few yards of the shore. The Professor's gaze was
+intently fixed on some object at the base of the rock.
+
+It was a young and beautiful woman. She was standing, with her eyes
+upturned and her hands clasped, as if thanking Heaven for their
+deliverance.
+
+The Professor leaped into the water, and rushed to the beach. He stood
+for a moment gazing at the beautiful girl. He then rushed forward and
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Dora!"
+
+As she heard his voice she started, and then, with a joyful cry of
+recognition, uttered his name, and was caught in his arms as, overcome
+with emotion, she was falling to the ground.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+
+
+Major Stanhope, the father of Dora, and an officer in the army of the
+United States, had been stationed at San Francisco. His wife was dead
+and he had no child except Dora. They had resided in California about a
+year, when the gallant soldier, who had never recovered from the effects
+of a wound received in the storming of Chapultepec, found his health
+rapidly failing, and was soon removed to another sphere of existence.
+Dora's nearest relative, her father's sister, resided in the State of
+Virginia, and the young girl had taken passage on a vessel bound for
+Panama, with the intention of returning to the place of her nativity and
+residing with her aunt. The vessel was old and unseaworthy, and went to
+pieces in a violent storm encountered off the coast of Lower California.
+The boats in which the crew and passengers sought safety were swamped,
+with the exception of one, which reached the shore in a leaky condition;
+and if the Professor had not happened to take up the captain's telescope
+when he did, Dora and the six other human beings, who were thus
+discovered, would have perished on that desolate coast.
+
+In a romantic valley of the Old Dominion Dora and the Professor had
+known each other in former days. The young man had tenderly loved the
+beautiful maiden, and his affection was secretly reciprocated; but on a
+certain occasion, while under the influence of temporary pique or
+caprice, Dora had rejected the man whom she deeply and sincerely loved,
+and they met no more, until, after the lapse of seven long years, fate
+brought them together on the shores of the Pacific Ocean.
+
+The weather continued to be fine, and the day after Dora had been
+brought on board, she had recovered from the effects of fatigue and
+exposure and came on deck with a beautiful bloom on her cheeks. The
+deportment of the Professor was now strangely altered. He was no longer
+the man of wit and humor, and during the remainder of the voyage never
+uttered a joke. When the young maiden was on deck, he was constantly at
+her side, and when she retired to her state-room, he would sit for hours
+in a mood of mental abstraction.
+
+"What is the matter with him?" said Tom to Toney, as, on a certain
+night, they were pacing to and fro on deck and puffing their cheroots.
+"Yonder he sits, gazing at the moon, and won't talk to anybody. What do
+you think he called me just now?"
+
+"What?" asked Toney.
+
+"He called me Miss Dora."
+
+"Did he?" said Toney, laughing.
+
+"He did, indeed."
+
+"It was by way of retaliation," said Toney.
+
+"Retaliation? How?"
+
+"You used to call him Ida."
+
+"When?"
+
+"When you were in Doubting Castle."
+
+"What sort of a place is that?"
+
+"You ought to know; you dwelt in it for some time. Poor Charley is in
+Doubting Castle. Let him alone. He will soon get out. I have observed
+the demeanor of the young lady when they were together, and I know, from
+certain unmistakable signs, that Charley will not have to listen to
+another negative. All is right. He will soon be the same jovial and
+agreeable companion he has hitherto been."
+
+"He is a very disagreeable fellow now," said Tom.
+
+"He used to say the same thing of you when you called him Ida, and would
+not let him sleep with your incessant somniloquism."
+
+"I think we should call ourselves the Silent Philosophers," said Tom.
+"Harry and Clarence are thoughtful and taciturn, except when they are
+complaining about the slowness of the vessel. As for Charley, I believe
+he would not care if we were on a voyage of circumnavigation around the
+globe, now he has Dora on board."
+
+"Our voyage on the Pacific is ended," said Toney. "Yonder is Panama."
+
+"Where?" cried Tom.
+
+"Do you not see the lights along the land?" said Toney.
+
+The voice of the captain was now heard issuing orders, which satisfied
+Tom that they were about to go into port.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+
+
+On the following morning, having landed on the soil of Central America,
+they started across the Isthmus. Dora rode on a little mule, and the
+Professor walked by her side, holding the bridle. Toney and Tom, with
+Clarence and Harry, proceeded on foot, Hercules bringing up the rear
+with a huge club in his hand. It was wonderful to witness the tender
+solicitude of the Professor for Dora. Along the road were a number of
+small houses, where the natives sold fruit and coffee to travelers, who
+came in crowds after a steamer had arrived at Panama. At these houses
+Dora's mule would halt, and the Professor would go in, and come forth
+with a nice cup of coffee; and as the young maiden put it to her lips
+her beautiful blue eyes would be peeping over the top of the cup at the
+smiling face of her escort with a most tender expression. He would then
+select the most delicious fruit and hand it to Dora, who would receive
+it with a sweet smile, which made some of the rough miners, passing,
+imagine that an angel sat on the back of the little mule.
+
+Toney and his companions frequently halted to rest; and Dora's mule was
+far in advance of them on the road. When within a short distance of
+Cruces, they came to the spot where the anchor lay, near the side of the
+road. Here they beheld Dora and the Professor seated on the anchor and
+the mule quietly cropping the grass.
+
+"Look yonder!" said Tom. And he started towards the pair seated on the
+anchor.
+
+"Come on!" said Toney, with a peculiar look. Tom took the hint, and,
+with his companions, continued to walk on in the direction of Cruces.
+
+"All's right!" said Toney, in a whisper, to Tom. "The anchor is the
+emblem of hope."
+
+"Do you think he will now get out of Doubting Castle?" asked Tom.
+
+"I know it," said Toney. "Let us move on. Yonder is Cruces."
+
+They stopped at the public house, where Wiggins and his companions found
+the unfortunate M. T. Pate washing a bottle. In about an hour the
+Professor arrived, leading Dora's little mule by the bridle. The
+Professor's face was radiant with happiness; and Dora's cheeks were
+covered with a multitude of the most beautiful blushes. Toney and Tom
+exchanged looks of peculiar significance.
+
+The young lady rested at the public house; while the Professor walked
+with Toney and his companions to the river, where they hired canoes to
+convey them to Chagres. While they were bargaining with the negroes who
+were to row them down the river, the Professor uttered a number of
+jokes, which satisfied Tom that he was going to be an agreeable fellow
+again. As they were returning to the public house, the Professor took
+Toney aside, and informed him that, while seated on the anchor in the
+wood, he had again earnestly entreated Dora to assist him in his search
+for domestic bliss and connubial felicity.
+
+"Well," said Toney; "and what was the result?"
+
+"The proposition was decided in the affirmative," said the Professor.
+
+Toney grasped the Professor's hand, and shook it violently.
+
+"Shall I tell Tom?" asked Toney.
+
+"You may, but with the injunction of secrecy," said the Professor.
+
+Tom was informed of the event which had occurred on Pizarro's anchor in
+the wood, and he laid hold on the Professor and hugged him.
+
+"Confound it, Tom!" said the Professor. "You hug like a cinnamon bear."
+
+"I can't help it!" said Tom. "I am so glad! And Toney has a hundred
+thousand dollars. Hurrah! hurrah!"
+
+"When we get home, let no one know that I have a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Toney.
+
+"Why not?" asked Tom.
+
+"I wish the Widow Wild to suppose that I have come home as poor as I was
+when I left," said Toney. "I will explain my reasons hereafter, and may
+need your assistance."
+
+"Can't I tell Ida?" asked Tom.
+
+"Rosabel and Ida must be informed; but with the injunction of secrecy.
+Do you promise to conceal my good fortune?"
+
+"I do; I will say nothing, except by your permission."
+
+On the following day they arrived at Chagres, and took passage for New
+York, which city they reached after a pleasant voyage, and on the next
+day were in Baltimore. Here the Professor left them, and accompanied
+Dora to her home in Virginia. Toney and his friends arrived in Mapleton
+at night. They urged Clarence and Harry to remain here until morning;
+but the two young men were impatient to reach Bella Vista, and, taking
+leave of Toney and Tom, were wafted away in the direction of the homes
+from which they had been absent during five long years.
+
+When Clarence Hastings and Harry Vincent approached Bella Vista it was
+midnight. In their impatience, each young man had put his head out the
+window of a car.
+
+"Good heavens! what means that light?" cried Clarence.
+
+"The town's on fire!" exclaimed Harry.
+
+On rushed the iron horse, and as they entered the town the street was
+illuminated by a conflagration.
+
+Around the mansion of Colonel Hazlewood are collected excited crowds of
+people. Flames are bursting from the roof, and nearly the whole interior
+is in a blaze. The inmates had been aroused by the cry of fire, in the
+middle of the night, and all have escaped. No; not all! Where are Imogen
+and Claribel? Their shrieks are heard; they are in the burning house,
+and surrounded by the crackling flames.
+
+"My child! my child!" cries the gray-haired Colonel Hazlewood in an
+agony. He rushes into the building, and attempts to ascend the stairway,
+which is on fire. Suffocated by the dense smoke, he falls back
+insensible, and is dragged from the door.
+
+"Bring ladders! bring ladders!" is shouted by a number of voices; but no
+ladders are at hand.
+
+"Oh, God! oh, God! must they perish? Can nobody save them?" are the
+exclamations heard on every side. Several men rush into the house and
+are driven back by the smoke and the intense heat. While all stand
+still, with horror depicted in their countenances, two men come running
+with frantic speed to the spot. In an instant they seem to comprehend
+the danger of the young females, whose shrieks are heard from an upper
+chamber. Into the midst of the smoke and flames they rush, ascend the
+stairway, regardless of the scorching heat, and in a moment are seen
+leaping through a window upon the roof of a portico, each holding in his
+arms the form of a woman who has fainted. A loud shout goes up from the
+crowd. A ladder has been brought, and the two men descend, and rush to
+the opposite side of the street with their lovely burdens in their arms,
+as, with a terrific crash, the burning roof falls in. Colonel Hazlewood,
+recovering from his swoon, staggers across the street to utter his
+thanks.
+
+"Harry Vincent!" he exclaimed. And Imogen opens her eyes and beholds her
+long-lost lover, while Claribel is still unconscious in the arms of
+Clarence Hastings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+
+
+The happiest month of Tom Seddon's life had rolled round,--the month
+preceding his marriage with the beautiful Ida. Toney Belton also seemed
+happy, and so did Rosabel, and the only discontented person in the Widow
+Wild's mansion was the widow herself. Nothing had been told her about
+the sale of the sand-hill; and the eight thousand dollars, the amount of
+gold which Toney acknowledged he had gathered by hard labor in the
+mines, made but a small portion of the sum necessary to constitute a
+fortune for a gentleman. The widow was dissatisfied with Fate on account
+of her hard dealings with Toney Belton.
+
+Rosabel knew better. Under the injunction of secrecy, she and Ida had
+been made acquainted with the good fortune of their lovers, and knew
+that they were in the possession of wealth. Toney had considerable
+difficulty, however, to induce Rosabel to co-operate with him in his
+plans for giving the widow an agreeable surprise.
+
+"Why not go to my mother and ask her to consent to our marriage?" said
+Rosabel. "She would interpose no objection, and you could inform her of
+your good fortune afterwards."
+
+"Rosabel," said Toney, "when your mother, years ago, said, in my
+presence, with peculiar emphasis, that no man should marry her daughter
+who was not worth a hundred thousand dollars, I made a solemn vow never
+to ask her consent."
+
+"You did?" exclaimed Rosabel.
+
+"Yes; not even if I should some day be worth a million. I cannot break
+my vow."
+
+"I must consult with Ida," said Rosabel.
+
+"Do so," said Toney.
+
+On the following day Tom and Ida were to be married. Toney and Rosabel
+were to accompany them to the church; and the widow would receive them
+at her house after the marriage ceremony was performed. Tom and the
+widow were alone in earnest conversation.
+
+"I would not swop with Adam if he were here with his Eden," said Tom.
+"There could be but one addition to my happiness."
+
+"What is that?" asked the widow.
+
+"I have a friend who dearly loves a young lady, and has loved her all
+his life; but he is supposed to be poor."
+
+"Well, what of that?" said the widow.
+
+"He has not obtained her parent's consent to their marriage," said Tom.
+
+"Is your friend a worthy man--a clever fellow?" asked the widow.
+
+"He is, indeed," said Tom. "I know of but one man who is his equal in
+all noble qualities."
+
+"Who is that?" asked the widow.
+
+"Toney Belton," said Tom.
+
+"If your friend is like Toney Belton, he is good enough to marry an
+emperor's daughter," said the widow.
+
+"But the young lady's parent--her mother--may not consent on account of
+his poverty," said Tom.
+
+"Let your friend marry the young lady, and obtain her mother's
+approbation afterwards," said the widow, with much decision in her tone.
+
+"Is that your advice?" asked Tom.
+
+"It is," said the widow. "A parent is a fool to object to a man who can
+be compared with Toney Belton."
+
+"I want my friend to be married when I am," said Tom.
+
+"Well, let him be married at the same time," said the widow.
+
+"But where are they to go until the young lady's parent becomes
+reconciled?" asked Tom.
+
+"Bring them here," said the widow; "I will welcome them; and they can
+remain here until the foolish mother becomes reconciled."
+
+"I will do so," said Tom. And he hurried away to inform Rosabel and
+Toney of the widow's advice.
+
+"You will not act contrary to your mother's wishes?" said Toney to
+Rosabel.
+
+"Certainly not," said Rosabel, with a sweet smile. "I have always been
+her obedient daughter."
+
+On the day appointed for the wedding, a carriage, containing Ida and
+Rosabel, Toney and Tom, was driven away from the widow's door to the
+church. In about an hour the Widow Wild heard the sound of wheels on the
+avenue, and rushed to the porch. As Tom handed Ida out, the widow caught
+the beautiful bride in her arms, and kissed her with tender affection.
+She congratulated the newly-married couple, and then said to Tom,--
+
+"But where is your friend?"
+
+"Here he is," said Tom, pointing to Toney, who was getting from the
+carriage.
+
+"What! Toney?"
+
+Tom nodded.
+
+"Is Toney your friend?"
+
+"He is, and ever has been, the best and noblest of friends," said Tom.
+
+"But is Toney married?" cried the widow, turning pale.
+
+"He is," said Tom.
+
+"Where is his wife?" gasped the widow.
+
+"Let me introduce you to her," said Toney, as he handed the blushing
+Rosabel from the carriage.
+
+"What? Rosabel?"
+
+"Rosabel," said Toney.
+
+"Rosabel married?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"To whom?"
+
+"To Toney Belton."
+
+The widow was speechless for a moment. She then took Toney and Rosabel
+each by the hand, and said,--
+
+"Now, tell me,--are you two married?"
+
+"We are indeed," said Toney.
+
+The widow kissed Rosabel, and then threw her arms around Toney's neck
+and kissed him. And then Mrs. Wild blubbered out,--
+
+"Toney, why did you do so?"
+
+"I thought you would not let me have Rosabel."
+
+"Toney Belton, you were a fool! You might have had Rosabel five years
+ago if you had asked me."
+
+"Did you not always say that no man should marry your daughter unless
+he was worth a hundred thousand dollars?"
+
+"And were you not worth a hundred thousand dollars five years ago?"
+
+"I?"
+
+"Yes;--you. A man with nobility of mind, and heart, and soul," said the
+widow, "is worth more than hundred thousand dollars to the woman who
+marries him; while many a mean fellow, who has a hundred thousand
+dollars in his possession, is not worth a pinch of snuff."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+
+
+About a week after they were married, Toney and Tom, with their brides,
+went to Bella Vista, and witnessed the union of Harry Vincent and Imogen
+Hazlewood, and of Clarence Hastings and Claribel Carrington. Upon his
+return to Mapleton, Toney received a letter from the Professor,
+informing him of his marriage with Dora. Dora's aunt having died, about
+six months before their arrival in Virginia, she had no near relative;
+and her husband had determined to purchase an estate near Mapleton,
+where they would, in future, reside. Toney was authorized to enter into
+negotiations for the purchase of the property.
+
+While Toney and Tom were standing near the post-office, conversing about
+the contents of the Professor's letter, Seddon suddenly exclaimed,--
+
+"Look!--look yonder!"
+
+On the opposite side of the street they beheld what appeared to be a
+procession of giants and dwarfs. In front walked Cleopatra with little
+Love on her arm. Next followed Theodosia with Dove, who looked like a
+pigmy by her side. After them came Sophonisba with Bliss; and in the
+rear was Hercules with a very pretty but unusually diminutive woman. The
+giant could not stoop to give her his arm, but led her by the hand. The
+procession passed on, and entered the house of Gideon Foot.
+
+"Who in the world was that little woman?" asked Tom.
+
+"His wife," said Toney.
+
+"Is Hercules married?"
+
+"He was married about a week ago to his little cousin Polly Sampson. He
+bought a farm adjoining that of Moses, whose father is dead. Hercules
+lives out there with his little wife, and has, I suppose, brought her
+into town on a visit to his relations."
+
+"And what has become of Moses?" asked Tom.
+
+"Moses is also married."
+
+"He is?" exclaimed Tom, in astonishment.
+
+"Yes; he is married notwithstanding his dread of the female sex."
+
+"How did it ever happen?"
+
+"By the death of his father, Moses became a landed proprietor, and is
+the owner of a fine farm in a high state of cultivation. Several
+enterprising young maidens endeavored to make an impression on his
+heart; but he could not be induced to go into their society until, on a
+certain occasion, there was a rural festival in the neighborhood, called
+an apple-butter boiling."
+
+"Did Moses go to that?"
+
+"He would not have gone had not some waggish young farmers first put him
+in an abnormal condition, by the consumption of a considerable quantity
+of hard cider. The cider imparted a wonderful degree of courage, and
+Moses went to the festival, where he soon found himself surrounded by
+rustic beauties. Moses drank more cider and became more courageous.
+Finally, as he sat in a corner with a pretty maiden, he popped the
+question."
+
+"He did?"
+
+"The young maiden said 'Yes' with a sweet smile, and looked so pretty
+that Moses kissed her."
+
+"Great thunder!" cried Tom.
+
+"When Moses got sober he was greatly alarmed; but it was too late to
+recede. More than twenty people had heard his promise of marriage. The
+young woman's father threatened to have a suit brought for breach of
+promise; and her big brother said that he would cudgel the swain if he
+proved false to his engagement. So Moses, dreadfully frightened, was led
+like a lamb to the altar, and now has a very pretty wife, and looks
+contented and happy."
+
+Toney purchased the property for his friend, and in a few weeks the
+Professor and Dora arrived with the intention of making it their
+permanent home. Tom became the owner of an adjoining estate. The three
+friends, with their wives, frequently assembled in the parlor of the
+Widow Wild, with whom Toney and Rosabel continued to reside after their
+marriage. Not long subsequent to the arrival of the Professor and Dora,
+Clarence and Harry, with Claribel and Imogen, came to Mapleton on a
+visit. During the conversation of the evening, Tom asked Toney if he
+still adhered to the opinion which he once so emphatically expressed as
+they sat on the veranda of the hotel in Bella Vista.
+
+"What was that?" asked Toney.
+
+"That the right man is never married to the right woman."
+
+"No; I do not," said Toney, with emphasis. And he looked at Rosabel.
+
+"There must be a recantation of such opinions when experience has
+demonstrated their fallacy," said the Professor, with a look of tender
+affection at Dora. Each husband looked at his wife, and each wife
+returned the glance; and it was evident that the ladies and gentlemen
+present were unanimously of opinion that the right men had been married
+to the right women.
+
+"And what has become of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts?" asked
+Tom.
+
+"The organization has been destroyed by a power which man has never been
+able to resist," said Toney.
+
+"What is that?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Love," said her husband.
+
+"_Amor vincit omnia_," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat;
+and, bidding his friends good-night, conducted Dora to their carriage.
+As they rode homeward, Dora inquired the meaning of those Latin words,
+and they were translated by her husband; and she now learned that even
+the stern old Romans recognized and acknowledged the
+
+
+     OMNIPOTENCE OF LOVE.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR WORKS
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
+
+PHILADELPHIA.
+
+_WILL BE SENT BY MAIL, POST-PAID, ON RECEIPT OF PRICE._
+
+
+     _Forgiven at Last._ _A Novel._ _By Jeannette R._ HADERMANN. 12mo.
+     Fine cloth. $1.75.
+
+"A well-told romance. It is of that order of tales originating with Miss
+Charlotte Bront�."--_N. Y. Even. Post._
+
+"The style is animated, and the characters are not deficient in
+individuality."--_Phila. Age._
+
+
+     _The Old Countess._ _A Romance._ _From the German_ of EDMUND HOFER,
+     by the translator of "Over Yonder," "Magdalena," etc. 12mo. Fine
+     cloth. $1.
+
+"A charming story of life in an old German castle, told in the pleasant
+German manner that attracts attention and keeps it throughout."--_The
+Phila. Day._
+
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+suspense, and ends very happily."--_The North American._
+
+"An interesting story."--_The Inquirer._
+
+
+     _Bound Down; or, Life and Its Possibilities._ _A_ Novel. By ANNA M.
+     FITCH. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.50.
+
+"It is a remarkable book."--_N. Y. Even. Mail._
+
+"An interesting domestic story, which will be perused with pleasure from
+beginning to end."--_Baltimore Even. Bulletin._
+
+"The author of this book has genius; it is written cleverly, with
+occasional glimpses into deep truths.... Dr. Marston and Mildred are
+splendid characters."--_Phila. Presbyterian._
+
+
+     _Henry Courtland; or, What A Farmer can Do._ A Novel. By A. J.
+     CLINE. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.75.
+
+"This volume belongs to a class of prose fiction unfortunately as rare
+as it is valuable.... The whole story hangs well together."--_Phila.
+Press._
+
+
+     _Rougegorge. By Harriet Prescott Spofford._ With other Short
+     Stories by ALICE CARY, LUCY H. HOOPER, JANE G. AUSTIN, A. L.
+     WISTER, L. C. DAVIS, FRANK LEE BENEDICT, etc. 8vo. With
+     Frontispiece. Paper cover. 50 cents.
+
+"This is a rare collection."--_Chicago Even. Journal._
+
+"Admirable series of attractive Tales."--_Charleston Courier._
+
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+
+
+     _The Great Empress._ _An Historical Portrait._ _By_ Professor
+     SCHELE DE VERE, of the University of Virginia. 12mo. Extra cloth.
+     $1.75.
+
+"This portrait of Agrippina is drawn with great distinctness, and the
+book is almost dramatic in its interest."--_N. Y. Observer._
+
+
+     _True Love._ _By Lady di Beauclerk,_ _author of_ "A Summer and
+     Winter in Norway," etc. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.25.
+
+"Is a pleasing little story well told."--_N. Y. Independent._
+
+"This pleasantly told love story presents pictures of English society
+that will repay the reader."--_Pittsburg Gazette._
+
+"Many of the scenes of her novel are drawn with truth and vigor.... The
+interest is sustained throughout the story."--_Hearth and Home._
+
+
+     _Carlino._ _By the author of "Doctor Antonio,"_ "Lorenzo Benoni,"
+     etc. 8vo. Illustrated. Paper cover. 35 cents.
+
+"It is beautifully written, and is one of the best delineations of
+character that has been written lately."--_Phila. Day._
+
+"It is a capital little story.... A simple and wholesome story
+charmingly told."--_Brooklyn Eagle._
+
+"Strange and deeply interesting."--_N. Y. Hearth and Home._
+
+
+     _Walter Ogilby._ _A Novel._ _By Mrs. J. H. Kinzie,_ author of
+     "Wau-bun", etc. Two volumes in one vol. 12mo. 619 pages. Toned
+     paper. Extra cloth. $2.
+
+"One of the best American novels we have had the pleasure of reading for
+some time. The descriptions of scenery are spirited sketches, bringing
+places before the reader, and there is nothing strained, sensational or
+improbable in the cleverly-constructed incidents. Even the graduating
+week at West Point, though a hackneyed subject, is presented with the
+charm of freshness as well as reality. This is a thoroughly good
+novel."--_Philada. Press._
+
+
+     _Askaros Kassis, the Copt._ _A Romance of Modern_ Egypt. By EDWIN
+     DE LEON, late U. S. Consul-General for Egypt. 12mo. Toned paper.
+     Extra cloth. $1.75.
+
+"This book, while possessing all the characteristics of a Romance, is
+yet a vivid reproduction of Eastern life and manners."--_N. Y. Times._
+
+"He has written us this thrilling tale, based on miscellaneous facts,
+which he calls 'A Romance of Modern Egypt,' and in which he vividly
+depicts the life of rulers and people."--_Chicago Advance._
+
+
+     _Beyond the Breakers._ _A Story of the Present_ Day. By the Hon.
+     ROBERT DALE OWEN. 8vo. Illustrated. Fine cloth. $2.
+
+"All readers of taste, culture and thought will feel attracted and
+impressed by it.... We have, for ourselves, read it with deep interest
+and with genuine pleasure, and can say for it that which we could say of
+few novels of to-day--that we hope some time to read it over
+again."--_N. Y. Independent._
+
+
+     _Compensation; or, Always a Future._ _A Novel._ _By_ ANNE M. H.
+     BREWSTER. Second edition. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.75.
+
+"It is an interesting work, and particularly so to those who are
+musically inclined, as much useful information may be gained from
+it."--_Boston Post._
+
+"We recommend this book to all who are not longing for agony; for such
+patrons it is too gentle and too delicate."--_Phila. North American._
+
+"The writer exhibits a happy talent for description, and evinces a rare
+taste and genius for music."--_Boston Recorder._
+
+
+     _The American Beaver and his Works._ _By Lewis_ H. MORGAN, author
+     of "The League of the Iroquois." Handsomely illustrated with
+     twenty-three full-page Lithographs and numerous Wood-Cuts. One vol.
+     8vo. Tinted paper. Cloth extra, $5.
+
+"The book may be pronounced an expansive and standard work on the
+American beaver, and a valuable contribution to science."--_N.Y.
+Herald._
+
+"The book is an octavo of three hundred and thirty pages, on very thick
+paper, handsomely bound and abundantly illustrated with maps and
+diagrams. It is a complete scientific, practical, historical and
+descriptive treatise on the subject of which it treats, and will form a
+standard for those who are seeking knowledge in this department of
+animal life.... By the publication of this book, Messrs. J. B.
+Lippincott & Co., of Philadelphia, have really done a service to science
+which we trust will be well rewarded."--_Boston Even. Traveler._
+
+
+     _The Autobiography of Dr. Benjamin Franklin._
+     The first and only complete edition of Franklin's Memoirs. Printed
+     from the original MS. With Notes and an Introduction. Edited by the
+     HON. JOHN BIGELOW, late Minister of the United States to France.
+     With Portrait from a line Engraving on Steel. Large 12mo. Toned
+     paper. Fine cloth, beveled boards, $2.50.
+
+"The discovery of the original autograph of Benjamin Franklyn's
+characteristic narrative of his own life was one of the fortunate events
+of Mr. Bigelow's diplomatic career. It has given him the opportunity of
+producing a volume of rare bibliographical interest, and performing a
+valuable service to the cause of letters. He has engaged in his task
+with the enthusiasm of an American scholar, and completed it in a manner
+highly creditable to his judgment and industry."--_The New York
+Tribune._
+
+"Every one who has at heart the honor of the nation, the interest of
+American literature and the fame of Franklin will thank the author for
+so requisite a national service, and applaud the manner and method of
+its fulfillment."--_Boston Even. Transcript._
+
+
+     _The Dervishes._ _History of the Dervishes;_ _or,_ Oriental
+     Spiritualism. By JOHN P. BROWN, Interpreter of the American
+     Legation at Constantinople. With twenty-four Illustrations. One
+     vol. crown 8vo. Tinted paper. Cloth, $3.50.
+
+"In this volume are the fruits of long years of study and investigation,
+with a great deal of personal observation. It treats, in an exhaustive
+manner, of the belief and principles of the Dervishes.... On the whole,
+this is a thoroughly original work, which cannot fail to become a book
+of reference."--_The Philada. Press._
+
+
+     _New America._ _By Wm. Hepworth Dixon._ _Fourth_ edition. Crown
+     8vo. With Illustrations. Tinted paper. Extra cloth, $2.75.
+
+"In this graphic volume Mr. Dixon sketches American men and women
+sharply, vigorously and truthfully, under every aspect."--_Dublin
+University Magazine._
+
+
+     _The Old Mam'selle's Secret._ _After the German_ of E. Marlitt,
+     author of "Gold Elsie," "Countess Gisela," &c. By MRS. A. L.
+     WISTER. Sixth edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.
+
+"A more charming story, and one which, having once commenced, it seemed
+more difficult to leave, we have not met with for many a day."--_The
+Round Table._
+
+"Is one of the most intense, concentrated, compact novels of the day....
+And the work has the minute fidelity of the author of 'The Initials,'
+the dramatic unity of Reade, and the graphic power of George
+Elliot."--_Columbus (O.) Journal._
+
+"Appears to be one of the most interesting stories that we have had from
+Europe for many a day."--_Boston Traveler._
+
+
+     _Gold Elsie._ _From the German of E. Marlitt,_ author of the "Old
+     Mam'selle's Secret," "Countess Gisela," &c. By MRS. A. L. WISTER.
+     Fifth edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.
+
+"A charming book. It absorbs your attention from the title-page to the
+end."--_The Home Circle._
+
+"A charming story charmingly told."--_Baltimore Gazette._
+
+
+     _Countess Gisela._ _From the German of E. Marlitt,_ author of "The
+     Old Mam'selle's Secret," "Gold Elsie," "Over Yonder," &c. By MRS.
+     A. L. WISTER. Third Edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.
+
+"There is more dramatic power in this than in any of the stories by the
+same author that we have read."--_N.O. Times._
+
+"It is a story that arouses the interest of the reader from the
+outset."--_Pittsburg Gazette._
+
+"The best work by this author."--_Philada. Telegraph._
+
+
+     _Over Yonder._ _From the German of E. Marlitt,_ author of "Countess
+     Gisela," "Gold Elsie," &c. Third edition. With a full-page
+     Illustration. 8vo. Paper cover, 30cts.
+
+"'Over Yonder' is a charming novelette. The admirers of 'Old Mam'selle's
+Secret' will give it a glad reception, while those who are ignorant of
+the merits of this author will find in it a pleasant introduction to the
+works of a gifted writer."--_Daily Sentinel._
+
+
+     _Three Thousand Miles through the Rocky Mountains._ By A. K.
+     MCCLURE. Illustrated. 12mo. Tinted paper Extra Cloth, $2.
+
+"Those wishing to post themselves on the subject of that magnificent and
+extraordinary Rocky Mountain dominion should read the Colonel's
+book."--_New York Times._
+
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+given to us from this region, and must be read with both pleasure and
+profit."--_Philada. North American._
+
+"We have never seen a book of Western travels which so thoroughly and
+completely satisfied us as this, nor one written in such agreeable and
+charming style."--_Bradford Reporter._
+
+"The letters contain many incidents of Indian life and adventures of
+travel which impart novel charms to them."--_Chicago Evening Journal._
+
+"The book is full of useful information."--_New York Independent._
+
+"Let him who would have some proper conception of the limitless material
+richness of the Rocky Mountain region, read this book."--_Charleston
+(S.C.) Courier._
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott
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+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" />
+    <title>
+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott.
+    </title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Funny Philosophers
+       Wags and Sweethearts
+
+Author: George Yellott
+
+Release Date: March 17, 2011 [EBook #35599]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charlene Taylor, Marilynda Fraser-Cunliffe,
+Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+produced by the Wright American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class = "mynote"><p class="center">Transcriber's Note:<br /><br />
+A Table of Contents has been added.<br /></p></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<h1><span><span class="smaller">THE</span><br />FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS,<br /><br />
+<span class="smaller">OR</span><br />WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS.</span><br />
+<span class="smaller">A NOVEL.</span><br /> <span id="id1">BY</span> <span>GEORGE YELLOTT.</span></h1>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<p class="bold">PHILADELPHIA:<br />
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT &amp; CO.<br />1872.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="bold">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by<br />
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT &amp; CO.,<br />
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="bold2">CONTENTS</p>
+
+<p class="center"><a href="#Page_5">CHAPTER I.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_11">CHAPTER II.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_20">CHAPTER III.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_23">CHAPTER IV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_30">CHAPTER V.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_36">CHAPTER VI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_38">CHAPTER VII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_44">CHAPTER VIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_49">CHAPTER IX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_53">CHAPTER X.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_57">CHAPTER XI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_61">CHAPTER XII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_63">CHAPTER XIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_69">CHAPTER XIV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_77">CHAPTER XV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_82">CHAPTER XVI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_89">CHAPTER XVII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_92">CHAPTER XVIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_98">CHAPTER XIX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_107">CHAPTER XX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_119">CHAPTER XXI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_122">CHAPTER XXII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_127">CHAPTER XXIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_135">CHAPTER XXIV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_145">CHAPTER XXV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_154">CHAPTER XXVI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_161">CHAPTER XXVII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_168">CHAPTER XXVIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_173">CHAPTER XXIX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_181">CHAPTER XXX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_184">CHAPTER XXXI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_191">CHAPTER XXXII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_196">CHAPTER XXXIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_200">CHAPTER XXXIV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_204">CHAPTER XXXV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_212">CHAPTER XXXVI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_218">CHAPTER XXXVII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_224">CHAPTER XXXVIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_229">CHAPTER XXXIX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_235">CHAPTER XL.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_241">CHAPTER XLI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_246">CHAPTER XLII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_248">CHAPTER XLIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_254">CHAPTER XLIV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_258">CHAPTER XLV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_266">CHAPTER XLVI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_270">CHAPTER XLVII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_274">CHAPTER XLVIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_277">CHAPTER XLIX.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_280">CHAPTER L.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_284">CHAPTER LI.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_286">CHAPTER LII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_290">CHAPTER LIII.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_293">CHAPTER LIV.</a><br />
+<a href="#Page_297">POPULAR WORKS</a></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="bold2">THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS.</p>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER I.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"My great-grandfather was a philosopher, and why should not his
+descendants be allowed the privilege of cogitating for themselves? I
+tell you that Sir Isaac Newton was mistaken. There is no such thing as
+the attraction of gravitation."</p>
+
+<p>This was said by Toney Belton, a young lawyer, in reply to his friend
+Tom Seddon, a junior member of the same profession.</p>
+
+<p>They were seated on the veranda of a hotel in the town of Bella Vista,
+gazing at the starry heavens; and Tom had made some remark about the
+wonderful revelations of science.</p>
+
+<p>"What a pity it is, Toney Belton, that you are not a subject of her
+Majesty of England. Your extraordinary discovery would entitle you to
+the honors of knighthood, and we might read of a Sir Anthony Belton as
+well as of a Sir Isaac Newton. But how will you demonstrate to the world
+that there is no such thing as the attraction of gravitation?"</p>
+
+<p>"Demonstrate it, Tom Seddon! Why, I can make it as plain as the
+proboscis on the countenance of an elephant."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean to say that bodies do not fall to the earth by the power of attraction?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is precisely what I mean. I assert that a heavy body may fall
+upward as well as downward."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha, ha!"</p>
+
+<p>"As the old Greek said, Strike, but hear, so I say, Laugh, but listen.
+Will you allow me to suppose a case?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p><p>"That is the privilege of all philosophers. The cosmology of the
+Oriental sage would have fallen into the vast vacuity of space had he
+not brought to its support a hypothetical foundation. Proceed with your demonstration."</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose, then, that an immense well should be dug from the surface of
+the American continent entirely through the earth. We will not stop to
+inquire into the possibility of such an excavation, but will suppose
+that the work has been accomplished."</p>
+
+<p>"Be it so. Your well has been dug, and extends entirely through the
+earth, from the United States of America to the Celestial Empire. What then?"</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose that Clarence Hastings should be walking home about twelve
+o'clock at night. It would then be broad daylight in the dominions of
+his Majesty the Brother of the Sun and the Cousin of the Moon, and the
+Celestials would be picking tea-leaves or parboiling puppies. Suppose, I
+say, that Clarence should be walking home after having spent the last
+four or five hours in the delightful society of the lovely Claribel.
+Now, it is highly probable that Clarence would be gazing upward at the
+lunar orb and meditating a sonnet."</p>
+
+<p>"Nay; Harry Vincent is the sonneteer. I verily believe that he has
+dedicated a little poem of fourteen lines to nearly every visible star
+in the heavens, and solemnly swears in the most mellifluous verses that
+none of them are half so bright as the eyes of the bewitching Imogen."</p>
+
+<p>"Let it be Harry Vincent, then, who is walking home and making his
+astronomical observations with a view to the disparagement of the stars,
+when brought in comparison with the optical orbs of his lady-love. We
+will suppose that he is gazing at yonder star which is now winking at
+us, as if it heard every word of our conversation. He would take but
+little heed to his footsteps while his gaze was fixed upon the star and
+his thoughts were wandering away to Imogen. As he exclaimed, 'Oh,
+Imogen! thine eyes exceed in brightness all the glittering gems that
+bespangle the garments of the glorious night,' he would tumble into the well."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p><p>"Ha, ha, ha! Good-by, Harry."</p>
+
+<p>"Would he not rapidly descend?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should think that he would."</p>
+
+<p>"Would he stop falling when there was no bottom to the well?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is impossible to suppose that he would."</p>
+
+<p>"Then he would fall entirely through the well and would be falling
+upward when he issued from the other end, and our worthy antipodes, the
+tea-pickers, would open their eyes in amazement, and their pig-tails
+would stand erect when they beheld the handsome Harry Vincent falling
+upward, and heard him loudly exclaiming, 'Oh, Imogen!' and he would
+continue to fall upward until he was intercepted by the earth's
+satellite and became the guest of the man in the moon."</p>
+
+<p>"A most delightful abode for a romantic lover. But, as you do not
+believe in the attraction of gravitation, what have you to say about the
+attraction of love?"</p>
+
+<p>"The attraction of love? Another of your delusions, Thomas. Now, if you
+had ever seen my definition of love, in the dictionary which I have in
+manuscript, and intend to publish some day when Noah Webster shall have
+become obsolete, you would not talk of attraction in that connection."</p>
+
+<p>"What is your definition of love?"</p>
+
+<p>"Love is a state of hostility between two persons of opposite sexes."</p>
+
+<p>"Of hostility?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; in which each belligerent endeavors to subjugate the other,
+regardless of the sufferings inflicted."</p>
+
+<p>"This is as queer a paradox as that in relation to the possibility of a
+man falling upward."</p>
+
+<p>"No paradox at all, but a most obvious truth. There is Claribel
+Carrington, who looks like an innocent and enchanting little fairy."</p>
+
+<p>"She is superbly beautiful, and Clarence Hastings would barter his
+existence for a soft, kindly glance from her deep blue eye. They are in
+love with one another, that is evident."</p>
+
+<p>"And being in love, hostilities have commenced; and, if I mistake not,
+the war will be conducted by the lady<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> with unexampled barbarity. When
+we enter the ball-room to-night, you will perceive this angelic creature
+inflicting more torture on poor Clarence than a pitiless savage inflicts
+with his scalping-knife on his victim; and all because she is dead in
+love with him, and he with her."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney Belton, you deserve to have your eyes scratched out by a bevy of
+beautiful damsels for your disparaging opinion of the last best gift."</p>
+
+<p>"Let them scratch; for women are like cats."</p>
+
+<p>"Like cats?"</p>
+
+<p>"There is a striking similitude between them; and when a man with a
+pulpy brain and a penetrable bosom falls into the hands of a beautiful
+and fascinating woman, he is much in the condition of an unfortunate
+mouse in the paws of a remorseless pussy. Indeed, nearly all truly
+faithful and devoted lovers have to undergo an ordeal like that of the
+helpless captive in feline clutches. The cruel cat will at one moment
+pat her victim softly on the head, and fondle it with the utmost
+affection, as if it were the most precious treasure she had in the
+world; she will apparently repent of her intention to hold it in
+captivity, and will permit it to escape and run half-way over the floor,
+when, with a sudden spring, she will pounce upon it again and hold it
+fast, regardless of its squeals for mercy. Just so with a pretty woman
+and her lover. Next to a tabby cat, the most remorseless and cruel
+creature in the world is a woman who has a man completely in her power.
+Indeed, there is so great a congeniality of disposition between the
+female sex and the feline species that maidens, when they become elderly
+and are not otherwise occupied, almost invariably take to nursing
+cats,&mdash;there being a mysterious affinity which draws them together."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you want me to believe that a woman will not marry a man until she
+has first tortured the soul out of him, and made him utterly miserable?
+Why, they say that marriages are made in heaven."</p>
+
+<p>"In heaven they may be made, Thomas; but, if so, they are caught on the
+horns of the moon as they are coming down; for I tell you that hardly
+any woman ever marries the right man, and hardly any man ever marries<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+the right woman. You have only to open your eyes and you will perceive
+this without the aid of an opera-glass."</p>
+
+<p>"My observations have led me to no such conclusions."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you never observed, oh, most sagacious Thomas, that no pretty
+woman ever had an adorer without wishing to torment him with a rival?
+And is it not a singular fact that she usually selects some male animal
+to occupy that position who is in every respect the inferior of the
+worthy man whom she is endeavoring to drive to distraction? Does she not
+take every occasion to inflate the vanity of him whom she cares nothing
+about, and to humiliate the man whom she really loves? Now, there are
+Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood,&mdash;they are both pretty women."</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty! They are both surpassingly beautiful, though not at all
+alike!&mdash;the former a blonde, with deep blue eyes and golden tresses; the
+latter a brunette, with locks as dark as a feather fallen from the wings
+of night, and black eyes, from which Cupid, who continually lurks under
+the long lashes, borrows the barbs for the arrows with which he mortally
+wounds multitudes of unlucky swains."</p>
+
+<p>"Do not be poetical, Thomas. Pray take your foot from the stirrup and
+dismount before Pegasus carries you to the clouds, and you lose an
+opportunity of listening to plain, sensible prose. Each one of these
+young ladies has a devoted lover."</p>
+
+<p>"You may well say devoted; for if Claribel or Imogen were to wish for an
+icicle from the end of the North Pole with which to cool a lemonade,
+either Harry Vincent or Clarence Hastings would hurry thither and slip
+off into the unfathomable abyss of space in a desperate attempt to obtain it."</p>
+
+<p>"Your imagination is both hyperborean and hyperbolical. But let us
+return from the North Pole to the ladies. Claribel loves Clarence, and
+Imogen Harry, and yet neither will marry the man she loves."</p>
+
+<p>"And why not, oh, prophet?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because no pretty woman ever does. Each lady will select some nonentity
+of the masculine gender, and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>expect her lover to enter into a contest
+of rivalry. Each gentleman will decline the contest."</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?"</p>
+
+<p>"I know them both. Each is a proud man, and has an abundance of
+self-respect. No daughter of Eve can comprehend a proud man, though
+every woman knows how to manage a vain one to perfection. Although
+either Harry or Clarence would, as you say, go to the North Pole in
+obedience to the wishes of the woman he adores, neither of them will
+consent to humiliation for her sake. She will persist in her course, and
+will ultimately find herself abandoned by her lover. Then, after a few
+years&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what after a few years?"</p>
+
+<p>"You will behold the once fairy-like Claribel a matron of robust
+proportions, married to a plain man, who made her an offer in a
+business-like manner."</p>
+
+<p>"And Clarence?"</p>
+
+<p>"A bald-headed man, who, having worked like a beaver and made a large
+fortune, is enjoying it with a wife who is as ugly as sin, but is a most
+excellent manager of his domestic affairs."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, when do you intend to publish your book of prophecies?"</p>
+
+<p>"A prophet has no honor in his own country. But, do you not hear the
+sound of music in the ball-room? Let us go in,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>On with the dance! let joy be unconfined,</div>
+<div>No sleep till morn when Youth and Pleasure meet</div>
+<div>To chase the glowing hours with flying feet."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER II.</span></h2>
+
+<p>In one of the border States of the South, in the midst of a romantic
+scenery, is situated the village of Bella Vista. Being connected by
+railway with a number of populous towns, it had become a place of resort
+during the season of summer for persons who desired to exchange the
+sultry atmosphere of cities for the cool breezes, shady groves, and pure
+fountains of this delightful retreat.</p>
+
+<p>In the village had been erected a commodious hotel, which, during the
+months of summer, was filled with guests. The proprietor, desirous of
+contributing to the enjoyment of his patrons, had arranged for
+semi-weekly hops, which were attended not only by the inmates of the
+hotel, but by families from the village and from the surrounding country.</p>
+
+<p>The two young lawyers, Toney Belton and Tom Seddon, the former a
+resident of the town of Mapleton, in an adjoining county of the State,
+and the latter a citizen of Bella Vista, entered the ball-room soon
+after the musicians had sounded a prelude to the poetry of motion. As
+they moved through the crowd they were met by a handsome young man who
+extended his hand to each.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Clarence, my dear fellow," said Toney, "I am glad to see you.
+What! are you not dancing? Where is the lovely Miss Carrington? You will
+be accused of&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The young man turned hastily away before Toney could complete his
+sentence; and the next moment he was seen standing in a corner of the
+room gazing at a beautiful girl with an indescribable look of
+indignation. The young lady was apparently listening to an ill-favored
+man who was talking to her with immense volubility. She smiled very
+pleasantly on her uncomely admirer and never once looked at Clarence Hastings.</p>
+
+<p>"Just as I told you," said Toney. "Hostilities have already commenced.
+Look at Clarence Hastings yonder!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> He has a small thunder-cloud on his
+brow, and is directing the lightning from his eyes in incessant flashes
+at the cruel Claribel."</p>
+
+<p>"I was observing him," said Seddon. "What is the matter with the man? He
+looks as if he were meditating homicide, or suicide, or something of the
+sort. What has Claribel done to him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Declined to dance with him, I suppose. See! she has selected one of the
+most fascinating men in the room to be his rival."</p>
+
+<p>"The man she was just talking to, and with whom she is now dancing? He a
+rival of the handsome Clarence Hastings? Why, he is as ugly as a Hindoo
+idol! Who is he? What is his name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Botts&mdash;Ned Botts. He lives in my town, whence he has just arrived in
+company with Sam Perch, William Wiggins, and M. T. Pate, Esq., the
+latter a distinguished lawyer of Mapleton. These four gentlemen are here
+on a lady-killing expedition. General Taylor has recently disposed of a
+multitude of Mexicans at Buena Vista, and my fellow-townsmen expect to
+make great havoc at Bella Vista."</p>
+
+<p>"That ungainly creature a lady-killer? And yet, by Jove! Claribel smiles
+on him as if she really admired him. Who is this man Botts?</p>
+
+<p>"He is the ugly man who once tried to run away from his own shadow. Did
+you never hear the story?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. How was it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Botts had been with a number of boon-companions at a tavern in
+Mapleton, and had put himself in an abnormal condition by the
+consumption of a considerable quantity of fluids. As you see, he is no
+Adonis when sober; but when inebriated, his ugly visage would endanger
+the safety of a mirror at the distance of twelve paces. In the afternoon
+he was standing in the street alone when he happened to see his own
+shadow, and was so startled by its unexampled ugliness that he made a
+tremendous leap to the right. The hideous apparition made a dart after
+him. Botts jumped to the left; but the frightful spectre sprang at him again."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha, ha! Toney, you will murder me!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p><p>"Botts had often heard that drunken men would sometimes have <i>delirium
+tremens</i>, and see devils. He thought <i>delirium</i> was coming on him, and
+that his ugly shadow was a fiend."</p>
+
+<p>"No wonder! no wonder! What did he do?"</p>
+
+<p>"He uttered a yell that set all the dogs in the town to barking, and
+took to his heels up the street. Each time he looked around he beheld a
+horrible devil following him, and at the sight he would give another
+yell, and redouble his efforts to escape. Soon half the men and boys in
+the town were after him. Away went Botts, and brought up at a doctor's
+shop. He fell on the floor in a fit, and it was a long time before he
+could be restored to consciousness. His ugly shadow had nearly been the death of him."</p>
+
+<p>"And you will be the death of me, if you tell any more such stories. But
+who is that large man, with the bald head, who is jumping about among
+the dancers with a bunch of flowers in his hand? He has no partner but
+seems to be exercising his legs in sympathy with those who are really
+dancing. No! I was mistaken,&mdash;he has a partner, but the lady's pretty
+figure is so small that I could only see the top of her head, which is
+covered with scarlet verbenas and a profusion of roses; and I was under
+the illusion that the big man was going it alone with a magnificent
+bouquet in his grasp. Toney, do tell me, who is that man? He seems to be
+a great admirer of beauty, and has been flitting about among the ladies
+like a large bumble-bee in search of the sweetest and most delicious flowers."</p>
+
+<p>"That is M. T. Pate, a distinguished lawyer, an eloquent orator, an able
+writer, a profound thinker, and the prince of lady-killers. He is
+possessed of a very original genius, and has recently written a
+remarkable pamphlet, in which is demonstrated the possibility as well as
+the immense importance of draining the Atlantic Ocean, and converting
+its rich alluvial bottoms into cultivated corn-fields."</p>
+
+<p>"How does he propose to accomplish this stupendous undertaking?"</p>
+
+<p>"By constructing a number of enormous steam-pumps<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> at the Isthmus of
+Panama, and forcing the water into the Pacific. He says that when this
+great work is once accomplished, the inexhaustible soil now lying
+entirely useless under the water will afford a comfortable support for
+countless millions of men; and that the incalculable amount of gold,
+silver, and precious jewels which have gone down in the vast number of
+vessels that have foundered at sea will more than defray the cost of
+this magnificent enterprise. Pate has sent a copy of his pamphlet to the
+learned professors of one of our universities, who now have it under
+consideration. In the mean while he has abundant leisure to devote
+himself to the ladies, by whom he is much admired. But, Tom, has not
+Wiggins caused you to become acquainted with the green-eyed monster?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who is Wiggins?"</p>
+
+<p>"The man who is dancing with pretty Ida Somers. He has devoted himself
+to her during the entire evening. Beware of jealousy, Tom! Let there not
+be a demand for coffee and pistols in the morning."</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw! Nonsense, Toney! Ida and I are good friends&mdash;nothing more&mdash;when
+old Crabstick, her uncle, will allow us to talk to one another&mdash;which is
+but seldom. But is Wiggins the individual with the enormous red nose?"</p>
+
+<p>"The same. You have a formidable rival, Tom. In my town he is admired
+for his comeliness, and is known by the name of Rosebud."</p>
+
+<p>"A curious name for one of the masculine gender! How did he acquire it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it seems that on a sultry day in June, this worthy citizen having
+done ample honors to the god of the grape, was reposing under a tree on
+a fragrant bed of clover, when an industrious bee, foraging among the
+flowers, espied his crimson proboscis, and supposing it to be a Bourbon
+rose, alighted upon it, in the vain expectation of extracting honey for
+the hive. While the busy insect was endeavoring to distill sweets from
+this extraordinary nose, the sleeper became conscious of a tickling
+sensation, and shook his head in disapproval of the futile attempt;
+whereat the irritable little creature darted out<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> its sting, and Wiggins
+leaped up with an outcry and vigorously rubbed his nasal protuberance.
+This scene was witnessed by some wags, who were convulsed with laughter.
+The nose soon began to swell, and, becoming more deeply crimson, it
+looked like a rose about to burst into full bloom. Since his nap among
+the clover, Wiggins has been called Rosebud by his boon-companions."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove! what a magnificent woman!"</p>
+
+<p>This exclamation was uttered in a half whisper by Seddon as a tall,
+dark-eyed woman, with a beauty that baffled description, moved across
+the room, with fifty pair of eyes following her in admiration.</p>
+
+<p>"Imogen Hazlewood?" said Belton.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Harry!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"He is deserving of your sympathy," said Toney. "Look! he is now
+approaching her with the awe and timidity of a man about to converse
+with a goddess, such as we used to read of in the classic hexameters of
+Ovid or Virgil. <i>Oh, dea certa!</i> It won't do, Tom! it won't do!"</p>
+
+<p>"What won't do?"</p>
+
+<p>"For a man to let a woman see that he is dead in love with her. 'What
+careth she for hearts when once possessed?' Not a fig, Tom! not a fig.
+Carry your love about you like a concealed weapon. Don't let her know
+anything about it until you pop the question. Pop it at her when she
+don't expect it, and she will fall into your arms as if she had received
+a pistol-shot,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Do proper homage to thine idol's eyes,</div>
+<div>But not too humbly, or she will despise</div>
+<div>Thee and thy suit, though told in moving tropes,</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and, turning her back on you, as Imogen has done now on Harry Vincent,
+will walk off on the arm of some fellow like Sam Perch."</p>
+
+<p>"Sam Perch? Do you mean the tall youth with a freckled face and a head
+of hair so fiery red that it looks like a small edition of a burning
+bush? What a remarkable head!"</p>
+
+<p>"It is a celebrated head. There was once a lawsuit about that head, and
+I was counsel for the defendant."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p><p>"A lawsuit about the young man's head?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, a very extraordinary forensic controversy, which attracted much
+attention, and in which I established my professional reputation by
+defeating my distinguished friend M. T. Pate, who appeared as the
+plaintiff's counsel."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, do you pretend to tell me that anybody ever went to law about
+that fellow's head? How did such a suit originate?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you must know, Tom, that there is a curious tale attached to that
+young man's head."</p>
+
+<p>"So there is to the head of a Chinaman."</p>
+
+<p>"No punning on people's cocoanuts, Mr. Seddon! But hear the history of
+this very remarkable lawsuit. On a cold evening in December, Perch was
+in a certain house in Mapleton, making himself agreeable to some young
+ladies, when they commenced tittering to such a degree that he was at
+first highly flattered, supposing that their merriment was produced by
+his numerous attempts at witticisms. At length these demonstrations of
+mirth became uncontrollable, and Perch, glancing at a large mirror
+opposite, was suddenly struck dumb with confusion."</p>
+
+<p>"At the image of his handsome self?"</p>
+
+<p>"A mischief-loving young girl had taken her station behind him and was
+holding her hands over his red head, and rubbing them, as if she were
+enjoying the warmth of a blazing fire."</p>
+
+<p>"It would hardly be necessary to invoke the aid of imagination for that
+purpose. This room begins to feel hotter with that fellow's red head
+carried about in it like a brasier of live coals. But go on."</p>
+
+<p>"Perch was horrified at the revelations of the mirror. He rushed from
+the house in a fit of desperation."</p>
+
+<p>"To put his burning bush under a pump?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thoroughly disgusted with his red hair, he consulted a barber, who
+undertook, for an adequate pecuniary consideration, to impart to it a
+sable hue, by the application of certain dyes. Perch left the shop with
+a fine suit of black hair, as glossy as the plumage on the bosom of a
+raven; but in the afternoon of the following day the color<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> was suddenly
+and mysteriously changed to a pea-green. He was on a promenade at the
+time, and, not being aware of this sudden and remarkable metamorphosis,
+he encountered the same young ladies and escorted them home. But when he
+entered the house and laid aside his hat, his head looked very much like
+an early York cabbage. Self-control was out of the question. The mirth
+of the young maidens was so immoderate that they almost went into
+convulsions, and the graceful and accomplished youth hurried away,
+boiling with indignation. Upon consulting his mirror, he perceived his
+dreadful condition. He passed a sleepless night in intense agony. Next
+day he barricaded his door and was not to be seen. He remained for a
+whole week in solitary confinement, brooding over his misfortune. The
+unhappy youth finally became hypochondriacal, and you know that while in
+this condition the mind is often under the dominion of sad and
+unaccountable illusions."</p>
+
+<p>"I am aware of that. Our housekeeper once imagined she was a teapot, and
+sat for a whole day with one arm akimbo, as the handle, and the other
+projected from her person to represent the spout. She gave a vast deal
+of trouble, and was continually admonishing the servants not to come
+near her lest they might upset her and break her to pieces. And only
+last winter old Crabstick got a strange notion in his head that he was a
+dog. One day, when I called to see Ida, he got down on all fours and
+barked obstreperously, and bit Scipio, his negro man, on the calf of his
+leg. I had to leave the house in a hurry to escape from his canine ferocity."</p>
+
+<p>"The illusion of Perch was equally as extraordinary. After brooding over
+his misfortune for a whole week, he imagined he was a donkey."</p>
+
+<p>"Imagined he was a donkey?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; a monstrous donkey."</p>
+
+<p>"Was it all imagination, Toney?"</p>
+
+<p>"Be that as it may; I know that he created much annoyance among the
+neighbors; for he commenced braying in a most extraordinary manner. His
+friends gathered around him and endeavored to reason him out of his
+unhappy delusion, but all to no purpose, for he had got the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> idea in his
+head that he was a prodigious jackass, and the more they talked to him
+the more loudly he would bray. He refused his natural food, and demanded
+to be led to the stable, that he might have a manger, and be fed on
+provender suitable for animals of the asinine species. The doctors had
+much trouble with him, and tried various remedies without any apparent
+good result. They finally determined to drench him with strong brandy,
+and the potency of this fluid soon restored him to a more happy
+condition of body and mind. He recovered, and sent for the distinguished
+lawyer, M. T. Pate, and by his advice brought suit against the barber,
+laying the damages at one thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"For what?"</p>
+
+<p>"For injury done to the young man's head. The barber was dreadfully
+frightened at the prospect of a ruinous litigation, and solicited my
+professional services. M. T. Pate exerted himself to the utmost, and, in
+a carefully prepared and eloquent speech, endeavored to demonstrate to
+the jury how great an injury had been done to his client's head; at the
+same time denouncing the author of the outrage in terms of unmeasured
+vituperation. But his efforts were of no avail, for I was prepared with
+the proof, and had put more than a dozen witnesses on the stand, all of
+whom swore that the young man looked much better with his head of a
+pea-green color than he did when it was of a fiery red. In consequence
+of this testimony the jury came to the conclusion that the plaintiff had
+sustained no injury and was entitled to no damages. They rendered a
+verdict in favor of the defendant, and M. T. Pate's client not only had
+to pay the costs of the suit, but went by the name of the '<span class="smcap">Long Green
+Boy</span>' ever afterwards."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton, I am exceedingly glad to see you," said a tall, raw-boned
+man, with a keen, dark eye, a Roman nose, and a swarthy visage.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said Toney, "let me introduce you to Captain Bragg, a
+famous traveler, who has seen more of this terrestrial globe than we
+have ever read of."</p>
+
+<p>Seddon shook hands with the distinguished cosmopolite, and remarked that
+the weather was extremely hot.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p><p>"Hot!" said Bragg. "My dear sir, do you call it hot? You should have
+been with me when I was once invited by her Majesty the Queen of
+Madagascar to a royal feast. As we sat at table under an awning, huge
+pieces of the most delicious beef were served up, which had been roasted
+by being exposed to the vertical rays of a tropical sun. That was what I
+would call hot weather, Mr. Seddon. But, by the powers of mud! what is that?"</p>
+
+<p>A loud noise and trampling of feet were heard in the hall. The door flew
+open, and women shrieked and men stood aghast, as a horrible apparition
+entered the ball-room. It seemed like an ugly demon with two heads. The
+monster rushed among the dancers, howling and screeching, and creating
+the most extraordinary confusion. Ladies, with loud cries, clung to
+their partners for protection, as with unearthly yells the two-headed
+monster rushed around. All seemed to lose presence of mind except Toney
+Belton, who tripped up the heels of the hideous intruder, and it fell on
+the floor. Then was witnessed a fearful conflict. While the women
+scampered away, and ran screaming through the hall, the men gathered
+around, and soon recognized the belligerents. It was Ned Botts, engaged
+in a hand-to-hand encounter with a gigantic and ferocious monkey
+belonging to Captain Bragg. The creature had escaped from confinement
+and had perched itself on the stairway in the hall. As Botts, after
+having enjoyed a mint-julep, was returning from the refreshment-room, it
+sprang upon his shoulders and seized him by the hair. Terrible was the
+combat between Botts and the monkey. Each made the most ugly grimaces
+and exhibited the most deadly ferocity. Botts grappled his antagonist by
+the throat, and the fight would have ended in a tragedy had not Bragg interfered.</p>
+
+<p>Maddened with passion, Botts sprang to his feet and put himself in a
+boxing attitude, whereupon Bragg knocked him down. The gentlemen present
+now interposed, and Botts was carried off, loudly vociferating, and
+swearing vengeance against Bragg and his monkey.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER III.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the ball-room was
+intense. On the following morning groups of anxious persons were
+discussing the probability of a duel between Bragg and Botts. There had
+been an interchange not only of harsh language but of blows between
+these gentlemen, and it was the general opinion that a hostile meeting
+was inevitable. Toney and Tom were sitting in the room of the former,
+puffing their cigars, and conversing about the events of the preceding
+evening, when there was a knock at the door, followed by the entry of a
+gentleman whose countenance indicated that he was troubled by very great mental anxiety.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, Mr. Pate. Let me introduce you to my friend Mr. Seddon."</p>
+
+<p>The two gentlemen shook hands, and Seddon made some meteorological
+observation, which was unheeded by Pate, who nervously turned to Toney, and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton, I have called to see you about a matter of great
+importance,&mdash;I might say an affair of life or death."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, Mr. Pate! To what have you reference?"</p>
+
+<p>"I refer, sir, to the unfortunate affair between our friend Mr. Botts
+and&mdash;and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The monkey?"</p>
+
+<p>"Just so, sir. I am afraid that the&mdash;the&mdash;the difficulty will end in&mdash;in
+bloodshed, sir. I apprehend that Mr. Botts is about to send a challenge
+to&mdash;to&mdash;to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The monkey? Why, Mr. Pate, the animal will not accept it if he does."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't mean to the monkey, sir; I mean to Captain Bragg."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that alters the case. The captain is a fighting man."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; and Mr. Botts is determined on a bloody issue. He has been
+with Wiggins the whole morning, and I know that he has penned a challenge."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p><p>"Well, my dear sir, what can I do to prevent the issue which you
+apprehend?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bragg will apply to you to act as his second. Could you not persuade
+him to apologize?"</p>
+
+<p>"Apologize! Apologize for knocking Botts down? Impossible, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"How impossible? Cannot a man apologize for what he has done?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate, you are well versed in legal lore, but you seem to be
+profoundly ignorant of a very stringent article in the code of honor."</p>
+
+<p>"And what is that, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"One of the thirty-nine articles of the code of dueling, compiled by 'A
+Southron,' prohibits a gentleman, who has received a blow, from
+accepting an apology until the party who has dealt the blow first allows
+himself to be slapped on the face in the most public place in the town.
+Now, do you suppose that Captain Bragg will consent to stand in the
+street, in front of the hotel, before a crowd of spectators, male and
+female, and allow Botts to knock him down, and then get up and apologize
+for having knocked Botts down? Impossible, sir! impossible! There can be no apology."</p>
+
+<p>"No apology? If a man is sorry for what he has done, is he prohibited
+from saying so? Monstrous, sir! monstrous! Is this a Christian country?"</p>
+
+<p>"I believe it is; and dueling is a Christian practice."</p>
+
+<p>"I deny it most emphatically, sir. It is a barbarous, a heathenish practice!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mr. Pate, who ever heard of the code of honor among the heathen
+Greeks or Romans, or among any other heathens, ancient or modern?
+Christians are the only duelists. The custom originated with the knights
+who fought for the Cross and against the Crescent. It has been the
+favorite mode of settling difficulties, among gentlemen in Christian
+countries, ever since. Yes, sir; and even churchmen have fought duels. A
+parson, in one of our Southern States, once challenged a layman, and
+shot him through the heart in accordance with the code of honor."<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p><p>"Horrible! Mr. Belton, what&mdash;what is to be done?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I suppose, we must let the men fight, if they are determined to do so."</p>
+
+<p>"Can we not apply to a justice of the peace? Can we not have them arrested?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate, if you were to do so, public opinion is such that you would
+be mobbed, ridden on a rail, pelted with rotten eggs, and your life
+might be in danger."</p>
+
+<p>"My dear, dear sir, what&mdash;what is to be done? I cannot see poor Botts
+shot down,&mdash;cut off in the flower of his days!"</p>
+
+<p>Here Mr. Pate was so overcome by his feelings that the big tears began
+to roll down his cheeks, and Tom Seddon's heart was softened.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Mr. Pate," said he, "there will be no duel if Botts does not send
+the challenge. Could you not use your influence with him, and induce him
+to heap coals of fire on Bragg's head by forgiving the injury?"</p>
+
+<p>"And I promise you," said Belton, "that if the duel does come off, it
+shall not have a tragical termination. I will not advise Bragg to fire
+in the air; for a friend of mine once did so and shot a boy, who was
+perched among the boughs of a cherry-tree, through the calf of the leg.
+Since then I have always been opposed to the absurd and dangerous
+practice of firing in the air. Seconds, however, can usually prevent
+bloodshed, unless their principals are exceedingly savage and
+sanguinary. But I think that the suggestion of my friend Seddon is a
+good one. You should hurry back, and endeavor to prevent Botts from
+sending the challenge."</p>
+
+<p>"I will do so! I will do so! God bless you both!" And with this
+benediction Pate hurried away in extreme agitation.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> This happened in Maryland many years ago.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER IV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man,"
+said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.</p>
+
+<p>"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his
+extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human
+kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and
+originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his
+disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order,
+which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the
+benefactors of the human race."</p>
+
+<p>"To what order do you allude?"</p>
+
+<p>"To the M. O. O. S. S."</p>
+
+<p>"What do those letters signify?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."</p>
+
+<p>"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who
+ever heard of such an organization?"</p>
+
+<p>"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of
+benevolence,&mdash;somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."</p>
+
+<p>"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on
+principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."</p>
+
+<p>"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after
+much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much
+happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of
+young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the
+majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state
+of single blessedness is preferable,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> all would be well; but the giddy
+things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager
+to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries,
+this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim
+Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a
+horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has
+the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before
+she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no
+marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is
+given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the
+silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows
+herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From
+extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all
+over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar
+maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived
+that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so
+doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when
+thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens to get married."</p>
+
+<p>"How is that to be accomplished?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry.
+They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres
+Ignoranti&aelig;, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties
+are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all
+young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially
+instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently
+premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate
+attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they
+may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young
+ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until
+every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that
+Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."</p>
+
+<p>"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span></p><p>"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a
+sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and
+couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to
+take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting
+alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious
+reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully
+apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his
+domestic affairs he would have&mdash;here Dobbs began to count on his
+fingers&mdash;one&mdash;two&mdash;three&mdash;four&mdash;five&mdash;six&mdash;yes, seven sweet little
+cherubs fluttering around him,&mdash;three girls and four boys,&mdash;two of them
+twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs
+snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a
+matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he
+found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited
+until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity
+of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his
+thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs
+every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one
+of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a
+simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence
+of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope
+that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock
+struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs
+began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose
+and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his
+house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet
+little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was a ghost."</p>
+
+<p>"A what?"</p>
+
+<p>"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such
+a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate
+the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle
+about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> and fifty or two
+hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience
+to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He
+can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor
+will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every
+Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will
+ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all
+places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or
+his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the
+dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a
+stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any
+distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be
+instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the
+tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and
+he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the
+tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the
+cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place
+the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down
+his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to
+have for his dinner."</p>
+
+<p>"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of
+those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's
+business instead of attending to their own."</p>
+
+<p>"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of
+ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which
+above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see
+a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great
+pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon
+their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who
+is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet
+as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of
+fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has
+a sweetheart,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or
+not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky
+as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he
+will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she
+cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of
+candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of
+pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."</p>
+
+<p>"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much
+interested in the poor fellow's fate."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have
+mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no
+chance of soon being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to
+ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was
+finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood.
+In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came
+to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an
+ownerless dog,&mdash;nobody caring whether he is brought home dead or alive;
+while if a Benedict even barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize
+with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to
+utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial
+with manly fortitude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that
+as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he
+could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption
+of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan
+towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a
+door the words <span class="smcap">Families Supplied Here</span>. Dobbs came to the conclusion that
+it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a
+surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could
+furnish him with&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so
+extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> he could furnish him with a
+wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,&mdash;he was not
+particular which they were."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be
+misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that
+Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting
+language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of
+vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the
+shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a
+multitude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a recumbent
+position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who
+had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its
+inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of
+obtaining a wife either for love or for money."</p>
+
+<p>"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his
+efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs! But what became of Susan?"</p>
+
+<p>"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one
+of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They
+ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never
+propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do
+that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his
+vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely
+punished for his want of fidelity."</p>
+
+<p>"In what way?"</p>
+
+<p>"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with
+the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.
+Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which
+drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."</p>
+
+<p>"What did Wiggins do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> to the widow
+with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."</p>
+
+<p>"And I suppose that they were married and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road
+to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins
+had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the
+church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition
+approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he
+should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the
+nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the
+sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed
+to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should
+be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be
+married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.
+In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a
+book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in
+committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in
+each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that
+his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be
+acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the
+blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt
+thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of
+the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them
+all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow
+screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was
+carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when
+she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently
+denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false
+pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in
+the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have
+nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of
+ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply
+which Wiggins made to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> minister who wanted to marry him to the widow
+having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion
+that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their
+unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again
+received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose
+of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic brotherhood."</p>
+
+<p>"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon.
+"My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his previous history."</p>
+
+<p>"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing his biography."</p>
+
+<p>"Writing his biography?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to
+become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his
+biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with
+your permission, I will read."</p>
+
+<p>At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered the room.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER V.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang
+him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."</p>
+
+<p>This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the
+challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as
+his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put
+the challenger to death with powder and ball.</p>
+
+<p>"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on them."</p>
+
+<p>"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg.
+"Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best society?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p><p>"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling
+with a monkey," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was
+no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He
+was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would
+defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I
+would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys
+have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr. Seddon."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine,
+brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult
+as keenly as a man."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for
+satisfaction to the monkey?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization
+to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come
+when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with
+hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our
+ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p>
+
+<p>Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney
+Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely
+remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and
+that Lord Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men in
+Africa who still had tails.</p>
+
+<p>"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;&mdash;have eaten
+and drank with them, and&mdash;&mdash;"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter;
+while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed
+individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of Dutchmen.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an
+Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I
+remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took my departure."</p>
+
+<p>"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the
+rabbinical theory," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" inquired Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great
+confidence, assert that man was originally created with a long tail."</p>
+
+<p>"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"</p>
+
+<p>"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose
+that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him
+at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious incumbrance; for when in
+battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might
+seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."</p>
+
+<p>"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."</p>
+
+<p>"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of
+importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail
+would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."</p>
+
+<p>"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly
+be managed even by the most experienced and scientific <i>tailors</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man
+attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me
+proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For
+instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money
+in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon
+as they walked the streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might
+thus be occasioned."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p><p>"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce
+encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently
+treading on their neighbors' tails."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail
+crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal
+combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer
+for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he walked along
+the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread
+on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man
+would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline
+species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such being the great and
+manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this
+useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."</p>
+
+<p>"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"It was fashioned into a woman," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."</p>
+
+<p>"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by
+a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a
+comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's
+Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead of rib."</p>
+
+<p>"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to
+militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and
+distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's rights."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their
+hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go
+gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every
+right which they claim. Give them every right which we have&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly
+suppose that they will ever get that."</p>
+
+<p>"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilege<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> they never can
+obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give
+them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of
+dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the
+result? Would the head govern?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the
+translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you
+are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of
+Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of
+that great country say that the royal line is descended from their gods."</p>
+
+<p>"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon.
+"In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find
+a multitude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen,
+with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate
+consequences of emancipation in this country."</p>
+
+<p>"In what respect?" asked Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emancipated, goes back,
+by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at
+same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals
+among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails
+will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at
+night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be
+safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with
+dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."</p>
+
+<p>"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to
+his original condition. Emancipate the negroes and you need not
+apprehend that they will return to their tails."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span></p><p>"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the
+powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we
+have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."</p>
+
+<p>"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the
+choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I
+should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary arrangements."</p>
+
+<p>"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am
+equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public
+warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr. Seddon."</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is
+aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers
+of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New
+Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to
+me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"</p>
+
+<p>"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or
+a gun loaded with Greek fire."</p>
+
+<p>"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"To be sure," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot
+water?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his
+tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid
+to hold in his own hand."</p>
+
+<p>"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon,
+while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's second."</p>
+
+<p>Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of
+poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a boomerang.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently
+delivered in Boston.</p></div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER VI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received
+the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting
+the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which
+had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the selection of time and
+place, as well as of weapons."</p>
+
+<p>"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."</p>
+
+<p>"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.</p>
+
+<p>"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"</p>
+
+<p>"The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of the town."</p>
+
+<p>"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do
+not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a broad-axe!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to
+kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon
+for the purpose?"</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon."</p>
+
+<p>"Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. It is a military
+weapon. Examine Webster's Dictionary and you will find that such is the
+definition of broad-axe. It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs of honor."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p><p>"I never heard of its use among men of honor," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Sir, who originated the practice of dueling? Were not the
+chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the first to adopt this mode of settling disputes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," said the representative of Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"And were not those knights gentlemen and men of honor?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course they were," said Wiggins. "Who can doubt that?"</p>
+
+<p>"And did they not fight with battle-axes?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, certainly," said Wiggins. "We read of that in Froissart and the
+other chroniclers of those days."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the difference between a
+battle-axe and a broad-axe? Can you point it out?"</p>
+
+<p>"I confess that I cannot," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"There is no difference; except that our carpenters, in the peaceful
+occupation of hewing timber, have found a short handle more convenient
+than the long ones used in the days of chivalry by honorable knights and
+gentlemen. I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight like
+gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the duello."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall fight with such a
+weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed to the use of a broad-axe."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will have an advantage from
+skill or practice."</p>
+
+<p>"Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?"</p>
+
+<p>"The captain has expressed no preference; he has left the choice of
+weapons to his second."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, Mr. Belton, can we not, as the friends of the parties, make
+arrangements for a meeting in which each gentleman may vindicate his
+honor without the tragical results which must ensue from the use of such
+barbarous weapons as broad-axes?"</p>
+
+<p>"As I have said, and now repeat, a broad-axe is not a barbarous weapon.
+Its use is legitimate in the duello. Unless you agree to the terms which
+I am now about to propose, I shall adhere to my original selection."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p><p>"What are your terms, Mr. Belton?" eagerly inquired Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"That I select the weapons, and that neither yourself nor our principals
+shall know what they are until I produce them on the field."</p>
+
+<p>"I agree to your terms, Mr. Belton; anything but broad-axes."</p>
+
+<p>"The weapons which I shall select will test the coolness and courage of
+both gentlemen. They will not be broad-axes. Are you satisfied?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perfectly."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, sir, as we have agreed upon the preliminary arrangement, I must
+bid you good-morning."</p>
+
+<p>In the corridor of the hotel Toney encountered M. T. Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton&mdash;Mr. Belton," said Pate, "I&mdash;I could not prevail on Mr.
+Botts. He has sent a&mdash;a&mdash;a challenge, and there will be bloodshed, sir,
+and&mdash;and all about a&mdash;a&mdash;a monkey, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate, I have the matter in hand, and I assure you, on the honor of
+a gentleman, that not a drop of blood will be spilt."</p>
+
+<p>"God bless you, Mr. Belton!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Toney hurried away, leaving Pate repeating
+his benediction with great fervor.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER VII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Hardly had Toney Belton's footsteps ceased to sound in the corridor
+before Wiggins snatched up his hat and hurried into the presence of his
+principal in extreme agitation.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Botts," he exclaimed, "I have just had an interview with Mr.
+Belton, the friend of Captain Bragg."</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Bragg then accepts the challenge?" said Botts.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p><p>"Of course he does," said Wiggins, "and we have agreed upon the terms."</p>
+
+<p>"What time does Bragg propose for the meeting?"</p>
+
+<p>"Between daybreak and sunrise to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"A very excellent arrangement," said Botts. "The early hour will insure
+us against the chance of interruption. And the place?"</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins named the place designated by Belton, and the selection met with
+the approval of his principal, who inquired,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Did the captain choose fire-arms, or small swords? I am equally expert
+in the use of either."</p>
+
+<p>"Fire-arms or small swords!" exclaimed Wiggins,&mdash;"no, sir, he did not."</p>
+
+<p>"What weapon did he then select? I am at a loss to imagine."</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins hesitated and was silent. His features became strangely and
+alarmingly distorted.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you not agree upon the weapons? What did Mr. Belton propose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not distinctly hear you."</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes! Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes!"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" exclaimed Mr. Botts, rising from his seat.</p>
+
+<p>"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins, also rising and moving nearer to Botts.
+"Broad-axes, I say broad-axes!"</p>
+
+<p>Botts's ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar expression. One of
+those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a
+moment presented itself, and immediately became dominant. He supposed
+that Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the presence of a
+maniac. Botts had as much of the common quality of physical courage as
+most of the male gender, but, like many a brave man, he had an intense
+horror of crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards him,
+anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of gesticulation.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand back!" shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and elevating it over his
+head,&mdash;"stand back, or I will knock you down!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p><p>"Botts! Botts!" exclaimed Wiggins, lifting up both hands in violent
+agitation, being utterly astounded at this hostile demonstration on the
+part of his principal,&mdash;"Botts! Botts! I&mdash;I&mdash;said&mdash;broad-axes!"</p>
+
+<p>"Help! help! murder! murder!" shouted Botts; and he aimed a blow at
+Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tumbling over a table, fell sprawling on
+the carpet, while the chair flew from Botts's hands and went with a
+crash against the door. In an instant there was a rush of people from
+the adjoining apartments and the room was filled with spectators.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing himself to Botts, who
+had armed himself with another chair, and stood brandishing it in a
+corner of the room with an air of desperate determination,&mdash;"good
+heavens! Mr. Botts, what does this mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my house," said the
+landlord. "Mr. Botts, this is the second time you have raised an uproar
+in this establishment."</p>
+
+<p>"Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!" exclaimed Wiggins, rising on
+his feet and looking Botts in the face with a most truculent aspect.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you not crazy?" said Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"Crazy!" vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards Botts, who dodged behind
+Pate. "<i>You</i> are crazy, sir! You are as mad as a March hare, sir! You
+are a dangerous man! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before you are
+a day older, sir! Gentlemen, I call upon you to assist me in securing
+this madman."</p>
+
+<p>"By Jupiter! I think you are both lunatics," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Wiggins, there most he some mistake," said Pate. "Botts is not crazy."</p>
+
+<p>"No madder man ever broke out of bedlam!" said Wiggins. "He will kill
+somebody if he is not put in a strait-jacket."</p>
+
+<p>"What was all this about?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"About?" said Wiggins. "Why, sir, I was merely repeating something which
+Mr. Belton had said to me, when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my
+head with chair; and had I out dodged as quickly as I did,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> he would
+have knocked my brains out. Is such a man fit to run at large through
+this house? Do you call him sane, Mr. Pate? Sane!&mdash;if he's sane, you
+might as well pull down all the lunatic asylums in the land and let
+their inmates out to&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! Wiggins, stop! I begin to see," said Botts. "You are not crazy,
+after all! Did you say you were merely repeating what Belton had said to you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing more," said Wiggins. "And was that any reason why I should be&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"My dear, dear fellow!" said Botts. "It was a mistake! I see! Give me
+your hand. I ask ten thousand pardons!"</p>
+
+<p>Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his
+ground and took the proffered hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank God," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"</p>
+
+<p>"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my
+fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."</p>
+
+<p>"It is granted," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to
+ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the world."</p>
+
+<p>At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, however, lingered at the
+door for a moment, and said, in an admonitory tone,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"For Heaven's sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wiggins again!"</p>
+
+<p>"No fear of that, Mr. Pate." And with this assurance Pate closed the door.</p>
+
+<p>Botts being alone with his second, there was a repetition of apologies
+and mutual explanations; after which each became assured of the sanity
+of the other, and was more at his ease.</p>
+
+<p>"But," asked Botts, "did Belton really say anything about broad-axes?"</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again give utterance to a
+word which had just put him in such imminent peril. At length he said,
+in a low tone,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"He did, indeed."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p><p>"What connection had this with the duel?"</p>
+
+<p>"As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed that you should
+fight with broad-axes."</p>
+
+<p>Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table; and Wiggins,
+apprehensive of another assault, jumped up and put himself in an
+attitude of defense.</p>
+
+<p>M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trembling expectation
+of another quarrel, rushed to the door, but it was bolted.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!" cried Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Go to the devil!" shouted Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens! what is to be done?" said Pate. "He has Wiggins locked in
+the room, and will beat out his brains with a chair!"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll break down the door and put strait-jackets on both of them!" said
+the landlord, who had hurried back at the alarm given by Pate.</p>
+
+<p>Botts now opened the door and assured the people in the corridor that
+they were not fighting, but were as amicable as men could be. Having
+received a similar assurance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no
+excuse for further interruption, and reluctantly retired; the landlord
+shaking his head rather dubiously as he did so, and muttering something
+about strait-jackets and lunatic asylums.</p>
+
+<p>Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly asked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You certainly did not agree that I should fight Captain Bragg with a broad-axe?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, indeed!" said Wiggins. "With much difficulty I obtained from Mr.
+Belton a compromise."</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a compromise?" asked Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton produces on the ground."</p>
+
+<p>"And not to know what they are to be until I get on the field?"</p>
+
+<p>"Such is the agreement," said the second.</p>
+
+<p>"Wiggins, what sort of terms are these?" exclaimed Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, that this Captain
+Bragg, although he associates with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> gentlemen, is little better than a
+desperado. He has lived among savages the greater part of his life, and,
+as I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel with a
+boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the sort. He is a reckless and
+desperate man, and cares not for consequences. Had I not agreed to the
+compromise proposed by his second, I am confident that he would have
+posted you as a coward."</p>
+
+<p>"These are hard terms," said Botts; "but I suppose they must be accepted."</p>
+
+<p>"They have been accepted," said Wiggins. "And now I must leave you, Mr.
+Botts, for I have an engagement with a fair lady. At an hour before
+daybreak I will be at your room; and we will, of course, proceed in
+company to the ground."</p>
+
+<p>In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give way to gloomy
+reflections. It was evident that his antagonist was a most desperate and
+determined man. He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the
+proposal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the barbarity of
+his disposition. And Wiggins had consented that Botts should come on the
+ground in entire ignorance of the weapons to be used. Could it be
+doubted that his adversary would select some barbarous implement of
+butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized duelists? When
+the challenger took his position, a harpoon or a boomerang might be
+thrust into his hand; or Bragg might enter the field armed with a
+tomahawk and scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a
+brave man, but he shuddered and shivered as if an icicle had been thrust
+down his back. He saw that death was inevitable, and he resolved to die
+with decency. Having procured writing materials, he carefully prepared
+his last will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the proper
+formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to absent friends,
+bidding them a final and affectionate farewell. Those documents he
+carefully sealed with black wax, and left lying on his table.</p>
+
+<p>Much time was consumed in these preparations, and before the business
+was concluded the sun had sunk behind the horizon and the stars had
+appeared in the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> heavens. Botts took his seat at a window; but he could
+not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind impelled him to physical
+locomotion. He seized his hat and rushed into the street. He hurried
+along until he had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would not
+be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, talking and laughing in
+the full enjoyment of an existence of which he was so soon to be
+deprived. The doomed man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed
+upward at the heavens. From the innumerable multitude of shining orbs
+over his head, he selected a star in which his spirit was to dwell after
+its departure from these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his
+room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the hotel. During the
+long hours of the silent night he continued to walk to and fro on the
+outskirts of the town, a melancholy man, meditating on his latter end
+and gazing upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had selected
+for his residence after his immolation on the field of honor.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER VIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second,
+repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his
+principal of the terms agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old
+warrior forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to be
+used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly undertaken to convey them
+to the ground during the night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg
+expressed his satisfaction with the arrangement, and reiterated his
+readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun loaded with Greek
+fire, or with hot water, as Seddon again suggested.</p>
+
+<p>As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg suddenly halted and
+said, in a tone of vexation,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span></p><p>"Why so?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their fires among the
+trees."</p>
+
+<p>"You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no gypsies within a hundred
+miles of us. No doubt Seddon has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us go on."</p>
+
+<p>They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still with a look of
+amazement. At twelve paces apart were two fires, each kept alive by a
+negro, who was busily employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an
+iron pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In the
+space between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walking to and fro with his
+hands behind his back, giving directions to his sable assistants who had
+charge of the pots.</p>
+
+<p>"By the powers of mud!" exclaimed Bragg, "what does this mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"It means," said Toney, "that everything is prepared, and that we are
+only waiting for the arrival of Botts. Tom, have you got the guns ready?"</p>
+
+<p>"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and
+about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one
+end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg,
+saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."</p>
+
+<p>"What is this?" inquired Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"It is your gun," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Gun&mdash;gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"I most certainly do," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain
+how it is to be used."</p>
+
+<p>Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water
+nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up
+horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other
+pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one
+side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of
+scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet.
+"There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as
+that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p><p>"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am
+going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at
+me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"</p>
+
+<p>"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of
+danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to
+flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he
+does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a
+belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to
+fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and
+there are C&aelig;sar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."</p>
+
+<p>"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is
+broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you
+are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."</p>
+
+<p>"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back
+down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of
+the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between
+man and man? It is devil's work!"</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often
+been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the
+fighting &aelig;olipile?"</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" inquired Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of
+the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, and the Greeks were accustomed
+to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I
+am certain that you will put Botts to flight."</p>
+
+<p>"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great
+efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon
+the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."</p>
+
+<p>"Where was that?" asked Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"In Spain,"<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped
+their arms on the field and fled<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> into a nunnery. The French had no
+artillery, and attempted to take the place by a <i>coup de main</i>. But the
+petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water
+were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but
+that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most
+prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with
+their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary evolutions."</p>
+
+<p>"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the
+scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to
+advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a
+musket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the door with its
+butt. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated
+forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him.
+With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made
+frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and
+faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended
+from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with
+amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell,
+'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was
+closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full
+of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."</p>
+
+<p>"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the
+timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It
+was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their
+water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an
+especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no
+avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and
+the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the
+tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"</p>
+
+<p>"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has been<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> employed in both
+ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled
+before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts
+from yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your courage."</p>
+
+<p>"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said
+he,&mdash;and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,&mdash;"I will
+remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the challenger?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your principal.
+Where is Mr. Botts?"</p>
+
+<p>"He has fled," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Fled?" said Belton.</p>
+
+<p>"Fled!" exclaimed Bragg; and his face became as radiant as the morning
+just then illuminated by the sun which had appeared above the eastern horizon.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Wiggins, "Botts has run off like an arrant poltroon."</p>
+
+<p>"I will post him for cowardice!" exclaimed Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"As you please," said Wiggins. "I want nothing more to do with Mr.
+Botts. He attempted to assassinate me."</p>
+
+<p>"Assassinate you!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; when I informed him of the terms proposed by you, he
+attempted to take my life."</p>
+
+<p>"Attempted to kill his second!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"The assassin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I'll post him!" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a chair," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"An assault and battery," said Tom. "Liable in a suit for damages."</p>
+
+<p>"He afterwards became calm, apologized for the outrage, and agreed to
+meet Captain Bragg at the hour named. But when I called for him this
+morning he had disappeared."</p>
+
+<p>"Disappeared!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir,&mdash;absconded,&mdash;fled to parts unknown."</p>
+
+<p>"I will publish him," said Bragg. "I will prepare<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> placards with the
+words BOTTS and COWARD in letters as big as my hand! Come, Mr. Belton; come, gentlemen."</p>
+
+<p>"Put out the fires, C&aelig;sar. Take care of the pots, Hannibal," said
+Seddon. And with these instructions to those two distinguished
+personages, Tom shouldered the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who,
+with Belton and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards the town.</p>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> We have not been to find any account of this combat in
+Napier's History of the Peninsular War. The historian overlooked it.</p></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER IX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious by his exercise in
+the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant
+supply of ham and eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough
+for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose from the table, and
+going to his apartment, proceeded to prepare the placard in which he
+intended to make known the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a
+man's mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with ease
+and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of the pen as naturally as
+water flows from a perennial fountain. Bragg's writing instrument
+galloped across the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible
+denunciation of the unfortunate Botts.</p>
+
+<p>The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, and said to the
+proprietor, "I want you to print this immediately."</p>
+
+<p>"Will you be so good as to furnish me with your name?" said the proprietor.</p>
+
+<p>"Of what consequence is my name to you?" said Bragg. "I want you to
+print the advertisement, and here is the money."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't do it," said the proprietor. "Can't put anything in my paper
+without the name of the party who furnishes it; advertisement or no
+advertisement,&mdash;paid for or not,&mdash;I can't print it."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p><p>"Why not?" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Because we can't afford to keep a fighting editor in this office; and I
+don't want to get into difficulties."</p>
+
+<p>"What difficulties will you get into?" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Plenty of them. I don't want my head broken with a cudgel, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is going to break your head?" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, and on slight
+provocation. Last winter a fellow came into this office just before we
+went to press, and left an advertisement which he paid for, saying that
+he wanted it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate
+that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had bought a bottle of
+Dr. Bamboozle's celebrated hair ointment, and applied it to his bare
+scalp, and that in forty-eight hours after the first application a fine
+suit of hair had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. Well,
+what were the consequences, sir? Why, the whole town was talking and
+laughing about this wonderful growth of hair. And next morning old
+Crabstick walked into the office, and, after much profanity, assaulted
+me with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, who come behind
+him and put him <i>hors de combat</i> with the hot poker, he would have
+broken my bones, sir. So your advertisement cannot go in my paper unless
+you leave your name for reference."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want it in your paper," said Bragg. "I want it printed like a hand-bill."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsibility."</p>
+
+<p>"Here! I want these three words,&mdash;look, will
+you?&mdash;<span class="smcap">Botts</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Poltroon</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Coward</span>,&mdash;printed in your largest letters."</p>
+
+<p>"We have type big enough," said the printer, producing some wooden
+blocks about three inches long.</p>
+
+<p>"Those will do," said Bragg. "Now, go to work&mdash;quick&mdash;hurry!"</p>
+
+<p>In a very brief space of time Bragg had a dozen documents in his
+possession, for which he paid the printer and hastened away.</p>
+
+<p>In a few moments after he had left the printing-office,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> Bragg's tall
+form was seen elevated on a stool; and he was in the act of pasting a
+hand-bill against the side of the hotel when he was interrupted by the
+landlord, who said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey shows to be pasted
+against my house."</p>
+
+<p>"This is no bill for a monkey show," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor advertisements for quack medicines, neither," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"This is no advertisement for quack medicines," said Bragg, with a look of indignation.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, whatever it be, you can't paste it there. I will not have my
+walls plastered over with advertisements."</p>
+
+<p>Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a
+profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.
+Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters
+on the corner, <span class="smcap">Paste No Pills Here</span>; some ingenious urchins having
+altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his
+head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood
+that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he
+had just received from the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his documents.
+He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned
+off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quantity of foul
+water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the
+dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic
+brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there
+was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders
+of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to
+cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic,
+and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and
+would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of the undertaker.</p>
+
+<p>Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a
+citizen of the town, and acquainted<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> with its localities, conducted the
+captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for
+his donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about to apply the
+paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed,
+"Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to
+offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the
+silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the duelist's placard.</p>
+
+<p>Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste
+on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the
+street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst,
+covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two
+sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had
+received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and
+made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was
+befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to
+avoid the defilement of actual contact.</p>
+
+<p>"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I
+suppose," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"Here he is&mdash;by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is he?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the mass of mud.</p>
+
+<p>"No, I do not. Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am Botts."</p>
+
+<p>"Botts!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Botts!" exclaimed Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Botts!" shouted Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER X.</span></h2>
+
+<p>It would require the perfection of language to describe the amazement of
+Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy figure, looking like one of the
+powers by whom he continually swore, and heard a voice issuing from its
+ugly lips, and saying "I am Botts." The placards, in which he was about
+to doom his absconding adversary to eternal infamy, dropped from his
+hand, and were picked up by a boy, and converted into the tail for a
+kite. Toney and Tom were also astonished at the sudden and strange
+appearance of the missing man. After a moment of silence, Belton said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Where did you come from?"</p>
+
+<p>"From the bottom of a well," said an Irishman.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" said Pate, who had just arrived in company with Wiggins
+and Perch,&mdash;"good heavens! did Botts fall into a well?"</p>
+
+<p>"And shure it's not for me to say how he got there. We found him in the
+well on his knees in the wather, and praying to the blessed Vargin and
+all the saints."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm almost dead! I'll never get over it!" said Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"Run for a doctor! run, Perch! run!" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>Perch went off at the double-quick in search of medical aid, while Pate
+and Wiggins conducted their friend to the hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't bring that man in here. I can't have my house covered with mud
+and filth. Take him to the bath-house and wash him," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>Pate pleaded and implored, but the landlord was inexorable; and they
+were compelled to conduct the miserable man to the bath-house. With some
+difficulty he was divested of his clothing; and, while Wiggins assisted
+him in performing his ablutions, Pate proceeded to his apartment and
+procured a change of raiment. His two friends then led him to his room,
+where they found Perch with the doctor. The physician examined his
+patient, and discovered that no bones were broken, and that there was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>
+no internal injury of any sort. He ordered Botts a strong tonic, and,
+telling him to keep quiet in bed and he would be well in the morning,
+took his departure. Perch soon after left the room, saying that he had
+an engagement to walk with Miss Imogen Hazlewood. Pate and Wiggins sat
+by the bedside of their afflicted friend, who, with many a moan and
+dolorous ejaculation, told the story of his misfortune, which we will
+endeavor to abbreviate and relate in more intelligible language.</p>
+
+<p>It will be recollected that after Botts had executed his last will and
+testament, and addressed letters of farewell to his friends, he had
+proceeded to the outskirts of the town, and walked to and fro over the
+common, meditating on his approaching end. About the middle of the
+night, as he continued to walk with his gaze fixed on the star which he
+had selected for his future abode, he tumbled into an unfinished well,
+about twelve feet deep, with six inches of water at the bottom. It being
+night, and he being under the earth, his loud cries for assistance were
+unheard, and he remained in the well until a late hour in the morning,
+when the Irish laborers discovered him on his knees in the water praying
+fervently; he having experienced a change of heart, and repented of the
+great crime he had intended to commit.</p>
+
+<p>While Pate and Wiggins were consoling their friend, they were startled
+by loud shrieks from a female voice in an adjacent apartment.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" exclaimed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"There's murder in the house!" bawled out Botts; and he jumped from his
+bed and ran to the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Come back, Botts! you haven't got your breeches on," said Wiggins; and
+he seized Botts by the caudal extremity of his under-garment and held
+him with a firm grasp.</p>
+
+<p>Shrieks after shrieks were heard, and then the heavy tread of feet
+hurrying along the corridor. Pate and Wiggins rushed to the scene of
+action, and beheld the landlord, with loud and violent imprecations,
+kicking Captain Bragg's monkey out of a room. The creature had got
+loose, and climbing over the transom of a door, had leaped<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> down on a
+bed where a lady was taking her siesta. The hideous apparition had
+nearly thrown the fair inmate of the room into convulsions.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out of here, you infernal imp!" said the landlord, giving the
+monkey a kick which sent it rolling over and over along the corridor.
+The agile creature gathered itself up, and with an active bound sprang
+on the railing of the stairway, where it sat making ugly grimaces, and
+shaking both fists at Boniface in intense indignation.</p>
+
+<p>"Get me a gun!" shouted the landlord, in a towering passion.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't shoot!" exclaimed Pate; and a dozen female voices shrieked in
+apprehension of the report of fire-arms.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing to my monkey?" said Bragg, hurrying to the spot.</p>
+
+<p>"Get out of my house with that incarnate devil of yours!" said the
+landlord. The monkey grinned and shook its fists, and the landlord
+stamped his foot and swore with vim and vehemence.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll have satisfaction for this outrage offered to my monkey," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll give you satisfaction, sir! I'm no Botts, to be bullied by you,
+sir! If you don't get out of this house, I'll take you by the neck and
+heels and throw you out, and your monkey after you!"</p>
+
+<p>The landlord was a powerful and determined man. He had fought under Old
+Hickory at New Orleans. He stood six feet three in his stockings, and
+could easily have executed his threat.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you not keep a house for the accommodation of travelers?" said
+Bragg. "For the entertainment of man and beast?"</p>
+
+<p>"But not for the entertainment of man and devil! That monkey is a born devil, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"A royal present from his Majesty the Old Boy!" said Boniface. "He gets
+loose just when he pleases. He chased the cooks out of the kitchen, and
+ate up the eggs they had got for breakfast. He stole a negro baby out of
+its cradle and hid it in the wood-house."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p><p>"He is a cannibal!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"One of the captain's long-tailed African friends," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Dines on babies," said Tom. "He'll be after a Dutchman next."</p>
+
+<p>"Out of this house he goes, and you, too!" said the landlord. "Here,
+C&aelig;sar, Scipio! carry Captain Bragg's baggage down and set it on the
+pavement." The negroes proceeded to obey orders. "And now be off!" said
+Boniface. "I don't ask you to settle your bill; I want no money from
+you. I want you to leave, and take that monkey with you!"</p>
+
+<p>"You had better go," said Seddon to Bragg, "or he will call on the
+sheriff to summon a <i>posse comitatus</i> and put you out."</p>
+
+<p>"I want no comitatus, Mr. Seddon," said the landlord, overhearing the
+remark; "I can manage him and his monkey both."</p>
+
+<p>The sagacity of Bragg enabled him to comprehend the situation. He
+perceived that the indignant Boniface was not to be intimidated even by
+a harpoon or a boomerang. Toney Belton had whispered to the cosmopolite
+that the landlord was the very man who had shot General Packenham from
+his horse, and thereby gained for Old Hickory his glorious victory on
+the banks of the Mississippi; and Tom Seddon asseverated that he had
+decapitated three Indians with a bowie-knife, in a hand-to-hand
+encounter, in the Everglades of Florida. Upon calm consideration Bragg
+determined to leave the hotel. His baggage was conveyed to a
+boarding-house which Seddon had found for him in the suburbs of the
+town. Here he secured comfortable quarters for himself and an asylum for his monkey.</p>
+
+<p>At night, after smoking their cigars, Belton proposed to his friend that
+they should call on Botts. They were sitting in his room, with Wiggins,
+talking to the unfortunate man, and getting him in a cheerful mood by
+pleasant conversation, when Pate rushed in with horror depicted in his countenance.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" said Belton.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!&mdash;oh!&mdash;oh!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p><p>"What's the matter?" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Help&mdash;help&mdash;help!"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter? What's the matter?" exclaimed everybody at once.</p>
+
+<p>"Perch&mdash;Perch!"</p>
+
+<p>"What has he done?" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Has committed suicide!"</p>
+
+<p>And Pate rushed from the room like one bereft of his reason. Toney, Tom,
+and Wiggins ran after him, while Botts jumped from his bed and hurried
+through the door; and several affrighted females loudly screamed as they
+beheld him swiftly gliding along the corridor, in his white garments,
+and looking like a ghost.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood were cousins. The former was an
+orphan whose father had died in affluence, leaving his only child a
+large estate. Her home was the magnificent mansion of her uncle, Colonel
+Hazlewood, a wealthy citizen of Bella Vista, and her constant companion
+was the beautiful Imogen. Each of these young ladies had a devoted
+lover, who, as Tom Seddon had remarked, would have gone on a pilgrimage
+to the North Pole in search of an icicle in obedience to her wishes.
+Clarence Hastings adored the lovely Claribel, and Imogen was worshiped
+by the handsome Harry Vincent. The young men were only sons of two
+wealthy gentlemen, and consequently each would inherit an ample fortune.
+They were highly educated and accomplished. Clarence had devoted himself
+to the study of medicine; while Harry was a man of leisure and had
+become a votary of the Muses, having already published a small volume of
+poems, which were admired by the general reader, and had even been
+commended by critics. But Clarence, although he had made great progress
+in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> anatomy and was satisfied that a man could not exist without a
+heart, was inclined to believe that a woman sometimes managed to get
+along without that important organ. He arrived at this conclusion from
+pursuing his studies in the society of the lovely Claribel. Harry
+Vincent had discovered that the poets in all ages had used the word in
+their verses, and supposed that most women had a heart, but was afraid
+that Imogen had grown up in magnificent beauty without ever having had
+one deposited by nature in her bosom. After much meditation, he
+determined to ascertain if he was not mistaken, and in the afternoon of
+the very day on which the valiant Captain Bragg had been expelled from
+the hotel by the indignant landlord, he proceeded to the mansion of
+Colonel Hazlewood and inquired for Imogen. He was told that she was
+walking in the garden. Thither he went, and in an arbor beheld a sight
+which convinced him that the beautiful Imogen had a heart. He hastily
+retired, and determined to go to the Mexican war, and march for the
+Halls of the Montezumas.</p>
+
+<p>What spectacle was it that caused such warlike emotions in the bosom of
+Harry Vincent? Why was he so suddenly impelled to march under the
+star-spangled banner against Santa Anna and his legions, in the valley
+of Mexico?</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Oh, women! women! pretty doves or pigeons!</div>
+<div class="i1">How many men for you their weapons clutch!</div>
+<div>For you the Grecians murdered all the Phrygians.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And it was on account of one of the most beautiful of womankind that
+poor Harry Vincent determined to shoulder his musket and shed his blood
+on the field of battle.</p>
+
+<p>He rushed frantically from the garden, looking as pale as a ghost. But
+what had he seen? On his knees in the arbor he beheld Sam Perch, whom
+Toney Belton called the Long Green Boy, with his head resting on the lap
+of the beautiful Imogen. The young lady was dipping her handkerchief in
+a vase of water and tenderly bathing his brow. Now, what had brought the
+poor Long Green Boy down on his knees before Imogen? What had he said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>
+to Imogen, and what had she said to him, that had caused him to faint?
+Oh, ladies, how do you manage to get a stout young fellow down on his
+knees before you, when a strong man could not bring him to that position
+except by a powerful blow from a ponderous fist? The whole thing was a
+mystery, but the fact was apparent. Perch had gone down on his knees
+before the lovely Imogen, and she had spoken words which had caused such
+strong emotions that he had fainted. The Long Green Boy revived, after
+the young lady, with womanly tenderness, had bathed his brow with water
+from a fountain. He told her that his heart was broken. She murmured
+something in reply and glided from the garden, while the poor youth
+arose from his knees and with his fractured heart proceeded to his room
+at the hotel.</p>
+
+<p>When the unfortunate Long Green Boy entered his room at the hotel, he
+seated himself on a trunk in a corner, with a multitude of darts, which
+had emanated from the eyes of the beautiful Imogen, sticking in his
+heart and causing him intense agony. The poor youth had been carried
+away into the regions of rapture, and then suddenly and unexpectedly
+plunged into the pit of despair. He was convinced that his misery was
+more than he could bear, and after meditating profoundly upon the most
+eligible methods of escaping from the troubles of this sublunary state
+of existence, he arose, and going to an apothecary's shop, asked for a
+pint of laudanum.</p>
+
+<p>"How much?" inquired the apothecary.</p>
+
+<p>"A pint," said Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you want a whole pint?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Perch, with a look of despair in his face,&mdash;"it will take a
+whole pint to cure me."</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter with you?" asked the apothecary.</p>
+
+<p>"I have got the&mdash;the toothache," said Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"Humph!" said the apothecary. And he went into a back room to get a bottle.</p>
+
+<p>"Father," said a blue-eyed young lady in the back room, "do not give
+that young man any laudanum."</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Because I have been watching him through the door,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> and I am certain he
+is crossed in love. He will kill himself."</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh! pooh! the young man has got the toothache. That's worse than
+being crossed in love a hundred times."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, father!" said the young lady, and she resumed her reading of "The
+Sorrows of Werther."</p>
+
+<p>The apothecary filled the bottle and handed it to his customer. Perch
+returned to his room and proceeded to make preparations for his
+departure from earth. He sat down and wrote a letter to the cruel
+Imogen, in which he accused her of being the sole cause of his untimely
+end. He directed another letter to his distinguished friend, M. T. Pate,
+telling him that his sufferings were unendurable, and that he had been
+driven by despair to the commission of the deed.</p>
+
+<p>With a trembling hand the Long Green Boy then poured about half the
+contents of the bottle into a goblet and hastily drank it off. He then
+laid himself down on the bed, crossed his legs and folded his arms, and
+prepared to die with decency. Instead of the lethal effects of the
+laudanum which he had expected, he soon experienced a wonderful
+exhilaration. The washstand in the corner of the room seemed to be
+dancing a jig; there were now two lamps on the table instead of one; and
+at last the room itself was in motion, and the Long Green Boy supposed
+that the house was being moved about by an earthquake. In great
+excitement he arose from the bed, and with the floor rocking and rolling
+so that he could hardly stand on his feet, he staggered to the table,
+and, seizing the bottle, swallowed its contents. With a revolving motion
+he then reached the bed, sank down, and was soon in a state of profound insensibility.</p>
+
+<p>While the Long Green Boy thus lay in a stupor, M. T. Pate entered the
+apartment. He endeavored to awaken the sleeper, but found it impossible
+to do so, and seeing a letter on the table addressed to himself, he
+opened it, and then, with a loud exclamation of horror, rushed from the room.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The unhappy victim of unrequited love lay on his back, with his face
+turned to the ceiling, and his arms folded over his bosom, as if waiting
+for the undertaker to come and ascertain his measurement, when M. T.
+Pate again entered the room, and, rushing to the side of the bed,
+exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins now burst into the room, and, looking at the recumbent and
+motionless form on the bed, also exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He has killed himself!" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Has taken poison!" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Poison!" exclaimed Toney. "Run for a doctor, Tom! Tell him to bring a
+stomach-pump! Run!"</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon rushed from the room in headlong haste, and running against
+Botts in the corridor, hurled him down a stairway. The unlucky Botts, in
+his night-garments, rolled over and over until he reached the bottom,
+when he found himself among a number of females, who loudly shrieked and
+fled in terror from the hideous apparition. Tom stopped not to inquire
+if any bones were broken, but went off as fast as his legs could carry
+him after a doctor to pump out the poison, while Botts rushed up the
+stairway in his night-clothes, and put another party of females to
+flight on the upper landing. He was followed into the apartment, where
+poor Perch lay on the bed, by the landlord, who was in a towering rage.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Botts!" shouted the landlord, shaking his ponderous fist at Botts,
+who was leaning over the unfortunate Perch,&mdash;"Mr. Botts! what do you
+mean by running about my house with no clothes on your&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"For Heaven's sake, hush!" exclaimed Pate.</p>
+
+<p>The landlord glared like an enraged lion at each of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> speakers in
+succession, and then advancing on Botts, seized him by the collar and
+hurled him around until his fragile clothing was torn from his person,
+and Botts fell over a trunk and sat in a corner of the room almost in a
+state of complete nudity.</p>
+
+<p>"You shameless, impudent, outrageous, ugly beast! do you think that I
+will allow you to be running and racing about among the ladies in my
+house like a naked savage?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hold!" cried Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Respect the dead!" exclaimed Pate, pointing to poor Perch lying on the bed.</p>
+
+<p>"Who's dead?" said the landlord, looking aghast.</p>
+
+<p>"Look there!" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>The landlord stepped forward and leaned over Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"Who says he is dead?" asked Boniface.</p>
+
+<p>"He has taken poison?" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"A whole pint&mdash;enough to kill fifty men!" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"He is drunk!" said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Shame! shame!" cried Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Insult the dead!" exclaimed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"He is drunk! I'll bet my hat on it!" said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>Here Tom Seddon rushed into the room, followed by a doctor carrying a
+stomach-pump in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, doctor! here!" exclaimed Pate. "Quick! quick!"</p>
+
+<p>"Open his month," said the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>Pate proceeded to obey instructions, and succeeded in opening the Long
+Green Boy's mouth, but he unfortunately got his fingers in the orifice,
+and the jaws closed firmly on them.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh! oh!" exclaimed Pate, with his forefinger between the teeth of
+the dying man.</p>
+
+<p>"Force his jaws open," said the doctor, holding the tube ready for insertion.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh! oh! oh! gracious heavens!" exclaimed Pate.</p>
+
+<p>Toney Belton, by an adroit use of his thumb, succeeded in opening the
+jaws and releasing Pate, who danced about<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> the room, exclaiming, "Oh!
+oh! oh!" while the doctor hastily thrust the tube down his patient's throat.</p>
+
+<p>A quantity of fluid was pumped into a basin.</p>
+
+<p>"What did you say he had taken?" inquired the doctor, examining the
+contents of the basin.</p>
+
+<p>"Laudanum!" said Wiggins. "A whole pint of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Enough to kill a team of horses!" said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"This is not laudanum," said the doctor, with a look of intense disgust at his patient.</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" asked Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Brandy," said the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Just as I said," exclaimed the landlord. "I can tell a drunken man from
+a dead man any day."</p>
+
+<p>The diagnosis of the landlord was correct. The wily apothecary had given
+the despairing swain a bottle of brandy, and instead of romantically
+dying for love, he had become stupidly drunk.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely accosted and so roughly
+handled by the landlord in the apartment of the unfortunate Long Green
+Boy, was in close and earnest consultation with Wiggins. The question
+for solution was whether the landlord was a gentleman, and as such
+amenable for the insult offered to Botts by his language and the assault
+on his person. The Thirty-nine Articles of the Code of Honor were
+carefully consulted, and the question was finally determined in the
+affirmative. The social status of the offender being settled, Wiggins
+undertook to carry a cartel from Botts to Boniface.</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins found the landlord in his office making out bills and handed him
+Botts's invitation to the field of honor.</p>
+
+<p>"What's this?" asked the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a note from Mr. Botts," said Wiggins. "Be so good as to read it
+and then refer me to your friend, so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> that there may be arrangements
+made for a speedy meeting."</p>
+
+<p>The landlord looked over the paper and then picked up a big cudgel,
+which leaned against the wall, and advanced towards Wiggins, who began to retreat.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you need not run," said Boniface,&mdash;"I am not going to thrash you.
+But where is Botts?"</p>
+
+<p>"In his room," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll break every bone in his body!" said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly!" And he started toward the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold!" cried Wiggins. "Are you not a gentleman? If not, in behalf of my
+principal I now withdraw the challenge."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is your principal?" exclaimed the landlord. "A man who comes into
+my house to turn it upside down! Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon
+as he arrives! Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides
+himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a well! Amuses
+himself by running and racing among the ladies like a naked Caliban and
+frightening my female boarders out of their wits! I'll give him
+satisfaction,&mdash;the ugly brute!"</p>
+
+<p>The landlord began to ascend the stairway, breathing vengeance against
+Botts. Wiggins caught him by the tail of his coat and called out, "Hold!
+hold! I command the peace!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you a magistrate?" said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"No; but I am a good citizen, and in the name of the law I command the peace!"</p>
+
+<p>"Let me go!" said the landlord, flourishing his cudgel. "Let me go! If
+you tear my coat-tail off, I will&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Here a number of ladies appeared on the upper landing and opposed a
+barrier of beauty between the landlord and Botts, whose ugly visage was
+seen in their rear. Several gentlemen were in the corridor at the foot
+of the stairway, and among them a fat and funny little fellow, who stood
+gazing at the scene with a most comical expression of countenance. The
+landlord struggled to get<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> free, but Wiggins held on to the tail of his
+coat with the tenacity of a terrier.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me go, I say!" shouted Boniface, shaking his cudgel at Botts.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies screamed and Botts looked amazed. Suddenly a voice was heard
+issuing from the mouth of the challenger, exclaiming, "Save me, ladies!
+oh, save me! save me!"</p>
+
+<p>"What! begging, you ugly beast!" exclaimed the landlord. "Yes, you had better beg!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, ladies!" exclaimed Botts, in piteous tones. "Don't let him murder
+me! I put myself under your protection!"</p>
+
+<p>"Who ever heard the like?" said a gentleman standing at the foot of the
+stairway. "The pitiful poltroon! Come away, landlord! You wouldn't beat
+a man who has put himself under the protection of the women!"</p>
+
+<p>The ladies gathered round Botts, and vowed that they would protect him.
+Botts was amazed at their tender solicitude in his behalf. The landlord
+was puzzled. He dropped his cudgel and walked back to his office,
+followed by Wiggins, who was intensely disgusted at the poltroonery of his principal.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, Wiggins," said Boniface, "I can't thrash a man who begs for
+mercy and puts himself under the protection of petticoats, but tell him
+to get out of my house. There has been nothing but confusion in it since
+he came. Let him be off, and tell him to take that drunken fellow Perch with him."</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins undertook to convey the message of the landlord to Botts and the
+Long Green Boy. Just then Toney and Tom entered, and the former espying
+the fat little fellow standing in the corridor, exclaimed, "Why,
+Charley! how are you? where did you come from?"</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, my boy, glad to see you! I've just arrived."</p>
+
+<p>"Let me introduce you to my friend Tom Seddon," said Toney. "Tom, this
+is Charley Tickle, an old college friend."</p>
+
+<p>Seddon and Tickle shook hands, and looked as if they intended to be most
+excellent friends.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p><p>"Charley," said Toney, "we have not met since we parted at college.
+Where have you been?"</p>
+
+<p>"All over the world, Toney. I have traveled extensively, I can tell you.
+I have been a lecturer, a biologist, an artist, and am now a professor.
+Mind that you always give me my title when we go into company together."</p>
+
+<p>"Where is your local habitation at present?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am studying phrenology under the learned Professor Boneskull."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"A celebrated phrenologist. A few days ago he arrived in your town of
+Mapleton, and has there rented a house. You will find him flourishing
+when you go back. The room in which he receives visitors will cause you
+to open your eyes with wonder and awe."</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"When you enter, you will see opposite the door a bust of Socrates, and
+on its head is perched a prodigious owl. If I am with you, the owl will
+speak to us and say. 'How do you do, gentlemen?&mdash;I am glad to see you.'"</p>
+
+<p>"It must be a parrot," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Mr. Seddon, it is an owl. He never speaks except when I am present,
+and then he sometimes becomes quite eloquent. There is evidently
+something supernatural about the bird, and I have suggested to Boneskull
+that it may be a fairy. He has consulted it on several occasions, and
+has received most excellent advice."</p>
+
+<p>"No doubt of it," said Toney. "The owl is the bird of wisdom."</p>
+
+<p>"Boneskull has a number of animals, birds, and reptiles stuffed, and
+arranged around his room in glass cases. To show you how implicitly the
+learned man relies upon what is uttered by the bird of wisdom, I will
+relate one or two incidents. One morning I met a young fellow who had a
+rat which he had skinned and stuffed, and having ingeniously fastened
+bristles to its tail, was persuading people that it was a squirrel. I
+told him to take it to Boneskull. When I entered his study, the learned<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span>
+man was examining this curious specimen, and shaking his head rather
+dubiously. But on my entrance, the owl spoke and assured him it was a
+genuine squirrel, and of a very rare species; whereupon he purchased it,
+and it now forms a part of his collection."</p>
+
+<p>"But how happens it," said Seddon, "that the bird never speaks except
+when you are present?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that is easily accounted for," said Tickle. "The bird of wisdom has
+a vast deal of discretion. He will not commit himself by any utterance
+except in the presence of a reliable witness. In me he has confidence,
+and in no other living man. I one day told a man to take a skull, which
+he had found, to the phrenologist, and that he would get a good price
+for it. When I entered, Boneskull had it in his hand and was carefully
+examining it. The owl now spoke, and said that it was the skull of a
+distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo, which a missionary had brought
+home with him on his return from Africa. Boneskull was delighted with
+this information. He purchased the skull, and always has it before him
+on his table. It affords him great pleasure to point out its
+intellectual developments as indicated by the bumps. He says that an
+intellect once resided in that cranium equal to that of Clay, Webster,
+or Calhoun, and that its bumps clearly demonstrate that the negro is the
+equal of the white man in mental capacity. The vender of this valuable
+specimen of craniology afterwards told me that it was the skull of an
+idiot who had died in the almshouse; but I did not believe him, for how
+could I doubt the veracity and intelligence of the bird of wisdom?"</p>
+
+<p>Here the conversation was interrupted by the appearance of Botts and
+Perch, accompanied by Pate and Wiggins, and followed by Scipio,
+Hannibal, and C&aelig;sar carrying the baggage of the two former gentlemen.
+Toney and his friends walked with them to the cars. On the way Wiggins
+and Botts got into a warm altercation, and the latter became much
+excited as Wiggins upbraided him with having shown the white feather
+when menaced by the landlord's cudgel.</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you," exclaimed Botts, "I never uttered a word."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p><p>"You did," said Scipio, who was walking behind with a trunk on his
+shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that you say?" shouted Botts, turning round and looking at
+Scipio with a most malignant aspect.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, Massa Botts," exclaimed Scipio, "I didn't say nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Botts begged!" said Hannibal. "Yaw! haw! haw!"</p>
+
+<p>"Asked the women to save him from a beating!" said C&aelig;sar. "Yaw! haw! haw!"</p>
+
+<p>Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious wild beast. His ugly
+visage became absolutely frightful. Lifting up his cane, he suddenly
+charged on C&aelig;sar, who dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with
+precipitation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed the
+fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his cane until they
+reached the hotel, when they darted into the basement-story, and hid
+themselves in some place of refuge.</p>
+
+<p>The landlord was standing on the veranda of the hotel, and behold Scipio
+and his comrades flying before the infuriated Botts. He turned white
+with rage and roared out, in a tone of thunder, "Making another muss,
+are you? Can't you be off without raising a row with my negroes? I'll
+settle with you, now there are no petticoats to protect you." And the
+landlord rushed into the house for his cudgel. Botts, having put Scipio,
+Hannibal, and C&aelig;sar to flight, had glory enough for one day, and without
+waiting to encounter another antagonist, hastily returned to his
+companions. Pate and Perch were in great agitation, while Toney and Tom
+were convulsed with laughter. The Professor stood quietly looking on
+with a grave and serious aspect. After relieving himself by the
+discharge of a quantity of profanity, Botts was somewhat pacified by
+Pate. The trunks were loaded on a wheelbarrow by a sturdy Hibernian, and
+conveyed to their place of destination; and Perch and his companion,
+bidding their friends an affectionate farewell, entered a car and were
+soon wafted away from the beautiful town of Bella Vista.</p>
+
+<p>Pate and Wiggins returned to the hotel, while Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor sauntered around until a train of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> cars stopped, and three
+daintily dressed young men got out. These gentlemen all recognized Toney
+Belton, and were introduced by him to his friends as Messrs. Love, Dove, and Bliss.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>After an interchange of salutations, Dove, who was a little man, about
+five feet three inches in height, most elaborately dressed, tapped the
+toe of his highly polished French boot with an elegant cane, so fragile
+that it seemed to have been constructed for the purpose of beating off
+butterflies and other annoying insects, and then asked after M. T. Pate,
+and inquired the way to the hotel. Having received satisfactory
+information from Toney in response to his inquiries, he took Love by the
+arm, and, followed by Bliss, proceeded up the street.</p>
+
+<p>"Those are pretty little men," said the Professor, looking after them
+with a peculiar expression of fun lurking around the corner of his mouth
+and twinkling in his eye. "What did you say their names were?"</p>
+
+<p>"Love, Dove, and Bliss," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Love and Dove are the two who have their wings locked together?" asked
+the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Toney. "And Bliss is walking behind."</p>
+
+<p>"That is a proper programme," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"When Love and Dove go together, Bliss should always accompany them."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Tom," said Toney, "you have seen the whole seven."</p>
+
+<p>"The whole seven!" said the Professor. "Who are they?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The Seven Sweethearts!" exclaimed the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"An organization," said Toney, "which originated in Mapleton, and now
+has numerous ramifications all over the country."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p><p>"Indeed!" said the Professor. "I have traveled much but never heard of
+such an organization until now."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you would like to know something about the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Very much," said the Professor. "I am compiling a new work on zoology,
+and will devote a chapter to the species of animal you have mentioned."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney will give you a history of the origin and objects of the
+organization," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"With the greatest pleasure," said Toney. "But come, let us light our
+cigars and take seats on yonder bench under the trees and make ourselves comfortable."</p>
+
+<p>The three friends proceeded to the spot designated, and while the
+fragrant smoke was rolling off from their cigars, Toney gave an account
+of the Mystic Brotherhood, such as Seddon had already been made
+acquainted with; following it up with a recital of the events which had
+recently transpired in the town of Bella Vista; including a graphic
+description of the combat between Botts and the monkey in the ball-room;
+the contemplated duel between Botts and Bragg, and its singular
+termination; the terrible quarrel between the latter and the landlord,
+and the expulsion of the valiant captain from the hotel; the abortive
+attempt of Perch to commit suicide, and the scenes that ensued up to the
+time of the arrival of Tickle. The Professor listened with grave
+interest, and occasionally made a note in a little book which he drew
+from his pocket and held in his hand. When Toney had concluded, he exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Toney, I thought that I knew something, but you are a long way
+ahead of me, my boy, in useful knowledge. Let me see." And he looked
+over his notes. "The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. An order founded
+on principles of benevolence. Its object the welfare of women. To
+prevent marriages. Single women much happier than those who are married.
+A grand idea of M. T. Pate. Toney, this organization must flourish. It
+will soon get far ahead of the Order of Seven Wise Men. But it must have
+leaders. Who are its officers?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have a list of them here," said Toney, drawing a paper from his pocket-book.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p><p>"What is this?" said the Professor, taking the paper in his hand and
+glancing over it. It read as follows:</p>
+
+<table summary="Order of Seven Wise Men">
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="center">M. O. O. S. S.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>N. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>M. T. Pate.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>M. W. D.  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Wm. Wiggins.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>P. O. P. F.  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Edward Botts.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>G. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Samuel Perch.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>D. A.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Lucius Love.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>N. N.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Altamont Dove.</td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td>W. W.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .</td>
+    <td>Marmaduke Bliss.</td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>"What do those letters signify?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been puzzling my held over them for a long while," said Toney.
+"Suppose you and Tom Seddon now aid me in deciphering them."</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"N. G. G.," said the Professor. "What does that mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't make it out," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Noble Grand Gander," suggested Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said Toney. "Tom, you are an &OElig;dipus!"</p>
+
+<p>"M. T. Pate is the Noble Grand Gander of the organization," said the
+Professor, making an entry in his book. "M. W. D. What does that signify?"</p>
+
+<p>"You are too hard for me," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Most Worthy Donkey," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah!" said Toney,&mdash;"that's it, I am certain. Tom, you should open a
+guessing school,&mdash;you would make your fortune."</p>
+
+<p>"P. O. P. F.," said the Professor. "What's that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't you guess, Tom?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I am balked," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Botts?" said the Professor. "Is he the handsome man who was chasing the negroes?"</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Prince Of Pretty Fellows," suggested the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"That's it! excellent!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"G. G. G.?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Great Green Gosling," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Perch is the Great Green Gosling," said the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>Professor, making an entry
+in his book. "And now for Love. What is the signification of D. A.?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dainty Adorer," said Toney; and the Professor made a note, and then
+inquired the meaning of N. N.</p>
+
+<p>"Noble Nonentity," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That hits Dove exactly," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"There is one more," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"W. W.," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Winsome Wooer," suggested Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"That completes the list," said the Professor, looking over his
+note-book and making another entry.</p>
+
+<p>"Bliss is the Winsome Wooer. Toney, how did you procure this curious document?"</p>
+
+<p>"It came into my possession under very extraordinary circumstances,"
+said Toney. "Would you like to hear the story?"</p>
+
+<p>"I would, indeed," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us have it," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"You have heard me speak of the Widow Wild, who lives in the vicinity of
+Mapleton?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Frequently," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"The widow has a very handsome residence, and in it dwells a very pretty daughter."</p>
+
+<p>"The lovely Rosabel Wild?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"How did you learn her name?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I have learned that and much more in addition," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"What more?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been credibly informed that a certain young lawyer, who answers
+to the name of Toney Belton, and who seldom deigns to look at any other
+woman, is wonderfully enchanted and woefully bewitched by the lovely
+Rosabel Wild. Is it not so? Come, make a clean breast of it, Toney. An
+honest confession is good for the soul?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Tom, I will be candid with you, and say, in sailor's phraseology,
+that if I were about to embark on a voyage of matrimony, as captain of
+the craft I would like to have Rosabel Wild for my mate. But the widow
+is very eccentric, and has often declared, in the most <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>emphatic terms,
+that no man can marry her daughter unless he is worth a hundred thousand
+dollars. Now, you know that I have not got a hundred thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"But your bachelor uncle, Colonel Abraham Belton, has, and you will be his heir."</p>
+
+<p>"That is by no means so certain as you seem to suppose. Colonel Abraham
+Belton, although he has lived longer than yourself by some twenty years,
+is really as young a man as either of us, for nature has given him a
+constitution of iron. He is so tough that time has never been able to
+plow a furrow in his face, nor has he a gray hair in his whiskers. He may marry a wife."</p>
+
+<p>"Very true," said the Professor; "and she may raise up children unto Abraham."</p>
+
+<p>"And," said Toney, "the children of Abraham may deprive me of the
+hundred thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, you are a man of sense," said the Professor; "and the French
+maxim-maker says that a wise man may sometimes love like a madman, but
+never like a fool. But let us hear your story."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you must know that I am really a very great favorite with the
+Widow Wild, although I have not the requisite sum for a son-in-law. I
+believe that Rosabel would be willing to wait until I get the hundred
+thousand dollars. Indeed, to be candid, I have consulted her, and she
+has expressed a decided determination to do so. This, however, is a
+profound secret between the young lady and myself, which we have never
+confided to the widow. I am often at the house."</p>
+
+<p>"I should suppose so," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"On a certain evening I was there, and the clock striking eleven, I rose
+and was about to take my leave, when the widow urged me to remain,
+saying that she had received an intimation that Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+who, you must know, sing as sweetly as nightingales, were coming to
+entertain Rosabel with a serenade. Now, the widow has a singular
+antipathy to the Seven Sweethearts, and not one of them can gain
+admission to her mansion; but Love, Dove, and Bliss had met Rosabel a
+few nights before at a party, where Dove kept fluttering around her
+until the widow, who was also present, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>expressed a desire to take him
+home and put him in a cage with her canary-bird. It was a fine moonlight
+night, and we sat conversing in the parlor until about twelve o'clock,
+when we heard the voice of Dove under Rosabel's window, singing, in
+mellifluous notes,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Wake, fairest, awake! at thy window now be;</div>
+<div class="i1">The moon on the midnight her splendor is pouring.</div>
+<div>Wake, fairest, awake! from thy window now see,</div>
+<div class="i1">Like a saint at his shrine, thy lover adoring.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Come, beautiful, forth on thy balcony high,</div>
+<div class="i1">While silver-toned music around thee is floating;</div>
+<div>And yon shooting-star shall come down from the sky,</div>
+<div class="i1">Like a slave at thy feet his homage devoting.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Nay, venture not, dearest! lest over the air</div>
+<div class="i1">Some spirits should chance to be wand'ring this even;</div>
+<div>And, deeming thee some truant angel now there,</div>
+<div class="i1">Might steal thee away to their home in the heaven.'</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"'Rosabel,' said I, 'how can you refrain from jumping out the window
+when a pretty little man like Dove invites you to come forth and behold
+"thy lover adoring"?'</p>
+
+<p>"'But,' said Rosabel, 'in the last verse he warns me not to venture.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That is true,' said I; 'the little man manifests a wonderful
+solicitude for your safety. He is apprehensive lest you might be
+arrested as a runaway angel,&mdash;a fugitive from service.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Hist! hist!' said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"'That is Love,' said I; and the voice of the serenader was heard
+singing,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>'The silvery cloudlets now are weeping, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Sweet dewdrops on the flowers,</div>
+<div>And mellow moonlight now is creeping, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Under the ivy bowers.</div>
+<div>And thou hast heard the vesper hymn</div>
+<div class="i1">That stirred the balmy air,</div>
+<div>When, as the shadows grew more dim,</div>
+<div class="i1">The pious met in prayer.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Their sacred rosaries they were counting, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Unto their saints in heaven,</div>
+<div>And telling them to what a mountain, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Their sins had grown this even.</div>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span><div>While thus to saints on high they pour</div>
+<div class="i1">Their prayers at evening bland,</div>
+<div>I am contented to adore</div>
+<div class="i1">An angel near at hand.'</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"'Oh, Rosabel!' I exclaimed, 'I always thought you were an angel, and
+now I know it, for both Love and Dove have testified to the fact. Out of
+the mouths of two witnesses has the truth been established. You are an
+angel, Rosabel, but please don't fly away.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Nonsense, Toney! Don't go crazy. Be quiet&mdash;hush! Listen!'</p>
+
+<p>"'That is Bliss,' said I; and we heard him singing,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>'My little, lovely, laughing maid!</div>
+<div class="i1">So great a thief thou art,</div>
+<div>I do declare, I am afraid</div>
+<div class="i1">Thou'st stolen all my heart.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Thou'st stolen the lily's purest white,</div>
+<div class="i1">Thou'st stolen the rose's hue,</div>
+<div>Thou'st stolen each flow'ret's beauties bright,</div>
+<div class="i1">And stolen my poor heart too.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Well, little rogue, come help yourself,</div>
+<div class="i1">Your robberies repeat,</div>
+<div>And take the rest of the poor elf</div>
+<div class="i1">Who's sighing at your feet.'</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"'He accuses you of felony,' said I. 'Oh, Rosabel! why did you, after
+having perpetrated so many larcenies among the flower-beds, steal the
+poor little man's heart?'</p>
+
+<p>"'What would I want with his heart?' said Rosabel, pouting.</p>
+
+<p>"'He tells you to keep it, and makes an offer of himself. He offers you Bliss.'</p>
+
+<p>"'The impudent little scamp!' said the widow. 'Tell Juba and Jugurtha to come here.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, ma'am,' said a colored girl, who stood grinning behind the widow's chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Two gigantic negro men soon made their appearance.</p>
+
+<p>"'Are the dogs in the kennel?' said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, ma'am,' said Juba.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, mother!' exclaimed Rosabel, 'you won't do that! It is a pity!'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p><p>"'Indeed I will,' said the widow. 'Let them loose!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, ma'am;' and Juba and Jugurtha grinned, and each uttered a low
+chuckle as they hurried from the room.</p>
+
+<p>"The voice of Dove was warbling another melody. It stopped suddenly, for
+the baying of hounds was heard on the opposite side of the house. I
+looked out the window, and in the moonlight could see Love and Bliss
+leaping over the paling fence. Dove was climbing an apple-tree, when a
+dog seized him behind and tore away his tail&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What!" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The tail of his coat," said Toney. "Dove took refuge among the branches
+of the tree.</p>
+
+<p>"After awhile Juba entered the room showing his ivory and exhibiting a
+piece of broadcloth, which he held in his hand as a trophy.</p>
+
+<p>"'What is that?' asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dunno, ma'am,&mdash;I tuk it from Trouncer.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Let me look,' said I. 'Why, it's Dove's tail!'</p>
+
+<p>"The widow shrieked with laughter, and Rosabel hid her face on the
+cushion of the sofa and shook as if she had an ague. I put my hand in
+the pocket and drew out a number of papers.</p>
+
+<p>"'What are those?' said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Love-letters,' said I. 'Here, Rosabel, you can read them.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And those?' said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Verses,' said I,&mdash;'songs and sonnets. Rosabel, you can copy them into
+your album.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And that?' said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why,' said I,'this puzzles me.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What does M. O. O. S. S. mean?' asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, I know what that means,' said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'What?' said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"'It signifies Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts.' And I gave Rosabel
+and her mother an account of the Sweethearts, which excited much merriment.</p>
+
+<p>"'But these letters, N. G. G. and M. W. D.,&mdash;what do they mean?' asked
+the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"'That I cannot tell,' said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Do try to find out,' said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p><p>"I promised to do so, and have ever since retained the paper in my
+possession for the purpose of deciphering it."</p>
+
+<p>"But what became of Dove?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I must tell you," said Toney. "When I retired I could not sleep. I
+thought about Rosabel, and then about Dove in the apple-tree, and then I
+would roar with laughter; and Rosabel and her mother must have heard me,
+for I could hear explosions of mirth in an adjoining apartment. Towards
+morning I got into a doze and was dreaming that I had a hundred thousand
+dollars, and had purchased a diamond ring for Rosabel, who had ordered
+her bridal attire, when I was awakened by hearing voices in the garden.
+I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. It was daylight, and under
+the apple-tree I beheld Juba walking to and fro with the steady pace of
+a Roman sentinel. Dove was perched on a bough over his head, and I could
+hear him in piteous tones begging the negro to tie up the dogs. For a
+long while his supplications made no impression on the obdurate African.
+Finally he drew a coin of glittering gold from the pocket of his vest,
+and the tempting bribe produced the desired effect. The dogs were tied
+up, and Dove dropped from the tree, and leaped over the fence and vanished."</p>
+
+<p>Just then the loud sound of a gong, announcing the arrival of the hour
+for dinner, was heard, and Toney and his friends arose from their seats
+and walked toward the hotel.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>In the afternoon, as the sun was descending towards the western horizon,
+and the balmy breezes were gently stirring the leaves of the silver
+maples which shaded the main avenue leading from the hotel, Toney, in
+company with Tom and the Professor, proceeded on a promenade. They had
+not gone far before they perceived Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings
+just in advance of them, walking slowly and apparently engaged in
+earnest <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>conversation. They overheard Harry say, "I tell you my mind is
+made up. I am off for Mexico, and I want you to go with me."</p>
+
+<p>Clarence shook his head. His mind was not yet made up.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you hear that?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Tom. "Harry is going to Mexico."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you mean the tall, handsome young man walking on the left?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought he had military glory in his mind as soon as I saw him," said
+the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A close observer can sometimes tell what is in a man's mind by his
+walk," said the Professor. "From the erect manner in which the young man
+carried his head and the determined tread with which he brought down his
+foot, I was certain that he had resolved on a march for the Halls of the Montezumas."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor and his two friends had now halted under a tree and were
+engaged in conversation, when Claribel and Wiggins came by, and as they
+passed Harry and Clarence, Wiggins bowed, but the lovely Claribel never
+turned her head.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you observe that?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"I did," said Tony.</p>
+
+<p>"Military glory is getting into the mind of the other young gentleman, I
+think," said the Professor. "He seems to be half a head taller than he
+was a moment ago, and his foot comes down with a determination that
+indicates no benevolent intentions towards Santa Anna and his myrmidons.
+But, look! yonder comes our three pretty little men."</p>
+
+<p>Love now passed them, followed by Dove and Bliss, each escorting a very
+beautiful young lady. Love seemed to be supremely happy, and in terms of
+rapture was directing the attention of the smiling beauty to the magnificent sunset.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"Yon sun that sets upon the sea</div>
+<div class="i1">We follow in his flight;</div>
+<div>Farewell, awhile, to him and thee&mdash;&mdash;</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p><p>Ugh! ugh! ugh!" exclaimed Love; and the lady loudly shrieked as he was
+lifted from his feet and rudely carried away from her side.</p>
+
+<p>A mischievous dog had assaulted an aged sow of monstrous proportions,
+which was quietly rooting in the street, and the affrighted porker
+frantically rushed between the legs of the beau and galloped off with
+him on her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror. He fell forward on
+the back of the sow and convulsively grasped her by the ears. The ladies
+fled screaming toward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified
+with astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full speed after
+Love, who was rapidly galloping away on the back of his courser. The
+dog, delighted with the sport, kept pinching the hams of the sow, and in
+the hope of escaping from her ruthless tormentor, she diverged from the
+main avenue and ran across a common to a pond of mud and water. Into the
+pond plunged the sow with the unfortunate beau on her back, scattering a
+flock of ducks, that with loud quacks fluttered up the banks, where
+stood the dog barking and bobbing his head in the full enjoyment of the fun.</p>
+
+<p>In a few moments groups of men and boys were assembled on the margin of
+the pond. Love sat on the back of the sow bespattered with mud, and
+still tenaciously holding on by her long, pendant ears. Suddenly a voice
+was heard, apparently issuing from the mouth of the porker, and
+exclaiming, "Let go my ears!"</p>
+
+<p>"Golly! did you hear that?" exclaimed C&aelig;sar, with his eyes dilating in
+amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"The hog's talking," said Hannibal.</p>
+
+<p>"That beats Balaam's ass!" said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Get off my back!" shrieked the sow, and Love, in the utmost terror,
+rolled off into the mud. The sow slowly waded towards the bank and gazed
+up at the dog with a look of indignation. Her canine persecutor was put
+to flight by a stone hurled from the hand of Hannibal, when she ascended
+the bank, and, shaking the mud from her sides, with a grunt trotted off,
+and was soon seen industriously digging with her nose in a sward of clover.</p>
+
+<p>"Jehosophat! that hog talked," said Hannibal.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p><p>"Nonsense!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"'Deed, Massa Belton, that old sow talked. I heerd her talkin' myself,"
+said C&aelig;sar.</p>
+
+<p>"The devil's in the swine," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"I b'lieves that old sow's the debbil," said Hannibal.</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw!" said Toney, "it was some boy you heard talking. Do you suppose
+that the hogs in this town have the gift of gab? Here, help Mr. Love out
+of the pond."</p>
+
+<p>The unfortunate beau sat helplessly in the midst of the mud and water,
+and was turning his eyes imploringly towards Dove and Bliss, who stood on the bank.</p>
+
+<p>"Wade in and help him out," said Toney to the negroes.</p>
+
+<p>C&aelig;sar and Hannibal both shook their heads.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, take this," said Toney, handing each a silver coin. "Now, wade in."</p>
+
+<p>C&aelig;sar and Hannibal commenced slowly rolling up the legs of their
+trousers until they had gathered them in bundles above their knees. They
+then with much deliberation waded to the middle of the pond, and each
+taking Love by an arm, lifted him up, and bringing him ashore, laid him
+down on the bank.</p>
+
+<p>"Get that wheelbarrow," said Toney, pointing to a vehicle of the sort
+which had been left on the common.</p>
+
+<p>C&aelig;sar brought the barrow, and Hannibal lifted Love up and deposited him
+in the bottom of the vehicle, and, followed by a procession of people,
+carried the luckless beau back to the hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"Take him to the bath-house," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>The negroes obeyed orders, and left Love in the care of Dove and Bliss.</p>
+
+<p>"That hog talked," said C&aelig;sar.</p>
+
+<p>"Sartingly!" said Hannibal. "Golly! who ever heerd a hog talk afore dat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Those African gentlemen are fully persuaded that the sow spoke," said
+Seddon to the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"It may be so," said the Professor. "She was under the influence of
+Love, and that has been known to produce miraculous results."</p>
+
+<p>In the mean while, Wiggins and the lovely Claribel, in utter ignorance
+of the melancholy catastrophe just<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> related, had continued their walk
+until they entered a delightful grove on the outskirts of the town. Here
+was a beautiful fountain and rustic bench, around which hung a canopy of
+clustering vines. Claribel was about to seat herself on the bench when a
+hideous head was thrust out from among the vines. The lady uttered a
+faint scream and swooned in terror. Wiggins was dreadfully startled, and
+drawing back a cane with a leaden bullet enveloped in gutta-percha on
+its end, dealt a blow on the head of the apparition which would have
+cracked the skull of an ox. The monster fell back dead in the bushes.
+Wiggins now turned his attention to his fair companion. She was
+unconscious. He lifted her up, and, with the lovely Claribel in his
+arms, seated himself on the rustic bench. Her head rested against his
+bosom, and Wiggins bent down until his mouth accidentally came in
+contact with her ruby lips. It was an accident, and Wiggins did not
+intend to commit a trespass, but he could not help it. Wiggins kissed
+Claribel on her delicious little mouth. Now, who ever kissed a lovely
+young lady once without wanting to kiss her again? Wiggins kissed her
+again, and then several times in rapid succession. Just then Harry
+Vincent and Clarence Hastings, unperceived by Wiggins, entered the
+grove. They stood still in astonishment. An expression of horror was
+depicted on the countenance of Clarence. For a moment he stood as if
+rooted to the earth. Then pulling Harry by the arm, he said, in a hoarse
+whisper, "Come!" The young men walked on in silence for about five
+minutes, when Clarence said, "Harry, I will go with you to the Mexican war."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XVI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>On the morning after the events related in the preceding chapter, the
+ladies at the hotel could talk of nothing but Love. Love seemed to
+occupy all their thoughts, and at breakfast many a pair of beautiful
+eyes were directed towards the door of the saloon each time it opened,
+in eager expectation of his appearance. But he did not appear, and many
+young damsels retired from the table sadly disappointed by his
+invisibility. At about ten o'clock in the morning a rumor became
+prevalent that Love was about to appear, and many a pretty face might be
+seen peeping from a half-opened door, evidently for the purpose of
+getting a glimpse of the Dainty Adorer when he came forth. Soon the
+heavy tramp of feet was heard in the corridor, as Scipio, C&aelig;sar, and
+Hannibal marched along carrying trunks with the names of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss in large letters on their lids. The Dainty Adorer now came form
+with the Noble Nonentity on his right and the Winsome Wooer on his left.
+The three little men had their arms locked, and were followed by Wiggins
+and M. T. Pate, who seemed to be exceedingly sad. As the melancholy
+procession descended the stairway, from numerous doors opening into the
+corridor issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper landing,
+where was soon assembled a galaxy of beauty gazing after Love, Dove, and
+Bliss, who were taking their departure. As the daintily-dressed little
+beaus went forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the
+stairway and assembled on the veranda, where they continued to gaze down
+the avenue until Hannibal, who led the advance, turned a corner, and
+then, in a moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view.
+One might have imagined that the departure of Bliss would have produced
+a feeling of melancholy among the beauties who had been deserted; but
+such was not the case. Peals of laughter were heard, and, regardless of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+the flight of Dove and the departure of Bliss, the young ladies talked
+merrily of Love during the entire day.</p>
+
+<p>Toney, Tom, and the Professor were at the railway and witnessed the
+departure of Love, Dove, and Bliss with manifest regret. They turned
+away and walked for some moments in profound silence, when Seddon exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder comes Captain Bragg!"</p>
+
+<p>The cosmopolite approached them at a hurried pace, and apparently in
+much excitement. He was introduced to the Professor, and then Toney
+inquired about the condition of his health.</p>
+
+<p>"I am physically well, Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "but am mentally afflicted."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said Toney. "I trust that there has been no serious cause for
+this disturbance of your usual equanimity."</p>
+
+<p>"I have met with a great, I fear an irreparable, loss," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"A ship foundered at sea without any insurance on her?" inquired the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"My monkey," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas!" exclaimed Tom Seddon in pathetic tones, "is the monkey no more?"</p>
+
+<p>"Is he dead?" said Toney, apparently in great anxiety to learn its fate.</p>
+
+<p>"I know not," said Bragg. "He is missing. I have searched for him in vain."</p>
+
+<p>"He may have run away and escaped over Mason and Dixon's line," said the
+Professor. "Could you not reclaim him under the fugitive slave law?"</p>
+
+<p>"That monkey would never have run away, Mr. Tickle. I have fed him and
+protected him, and he could never have been guilty of such gross folly
+and base ingratitude."</p>
+
+<p>"A negro, who is clothed and fed and protected, will occasionally run
+off from a comfortable home, and why not a monkey?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"A negro may run away from the mush-pot of his master because he is a
+slave, and is impelled by a natural and laudable desire for liberty. But
+my monkey was not a slave, Mr. Seddon. He was a friend and a companion.
+Monkeys and apes, Mr. Tickle, have emotions and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>sentiments. All they
+lack is the power of speech to give expression to their thoughts and feelings."</p>
+
+<p>"They sometimes, though rarely, have that faculty," said the Professor.
+"On one occasion I heard a venerable baboon express himself in emphatic
+and excellent English."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"It was in Kentucky," said the Professor, "There was a traveling
+menagerie exhibiting in a small village. A number of negroes were
+examining the baboon with much curiosity, and one of them insisted that
+he could talk but would not, because if he did the white people would
+put him to work, and he was too lazy to work. I was present and heard
+the baboon indignantly exclaim, 'You lie, you ugly, nasty nigger! I am
+not as lazy as you are! Begone! or I'll bite your nose off!' The
+Africans tore a hole in the tent in their efforts to get out."</p>
+
+<p>Here there was heard an uproar in the street and a crowd of boys was
+seen approaching. One of them was carrying an animal, which he grasped
+by the tail and held with its head hanging down.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"A dead monkey," said the boy. "We found him in the grove by the
+fountain lying on his back in the bushes."</p>
+
+<p>Bragg rushed forward and the boy dropped the monkey, which lay on the
+ground with its hideous face turned upward.</p>
+
+<p>"My monkey! my monkey!" exclaimed Bragg. He stooped down and examined
+the dead body. Its skull had been cracked by a terrible blow which must
+have produced instant death. "This monkey has been foully murdered! Oh,
+that I knew the villain who perpetrated the bloody deed! Who killed my
+monkey? I say who killed my monkey?" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Botts!" said a voice apparently issuing from the mouth of the monkey.
+Bragg started back with a look of amazement. The crowd of boys opened
+and they fell back in awe and terror.</p>
+
+<p>"Bill," said a boy to his companion, "that monkey spoke."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p><p>"True as preaching!" said Bill. "I heard it."</p>
+
+<p>Bragg stood speechless for some minutes. Then, in solemn tones, he exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, did you not hear that?"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said Toney, who with Tom stood at a distance of some paces. "I heard nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you not hear a voice issuing from the mouth of the corpse and
+proclaiming the name of the murderer?" exclaimed Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Impossible!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"By no means impossible," said the Professor. "Shakspeare, who is good
+authority on all such subjects, tells us that</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Stones have been known to move and trees to speak;</div>
+<div>Auguries and understood relations have,</div>
+<div>By magot-pies and choughs and rooks, brought forth</div>
+<div>The secret'st man of blood."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"True, Mr. Tickle," said Bragg. "And as sure as yonder sun is shining in
+the heavens I heard a voice issuing from that monkey's mouth and
+proclaiming Botts to be the murderer!"</p>
+
+<p>"Botts could prove an alibi," said Toney. "He has gone back to Mapleton."</p>
+
+<p>"The conscience-stricken villain!" exclaimed Bragg. "He has imbrued his
+hands in innocent blood and then fled. I will follow him to the ends of
+the earth!" And Bragg started off as if in pursuit of the murderer.</p>
+
+<p>"Captain!" shouted Seddon, "What will you do with the corpse?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bury it," said Bragg, coming back,&mdash;"and then I will seek out that
+villain Botts."</p>
+
+<p>Accompanied by the boys, Bragg proceeded to bury his monkey.</p>
+
+<p>"That man is insane," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"All excitable people are insane at times," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Bragg has monkey-mania," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"And pseudomania," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"His lies are harmless," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"And amusing," said Toney. "Bragg can beat Baron Munchausen."</p>
+
+<p>"That was an amusing story he told about his <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>residence in Africa among
+those long-tailed gentlemen," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"What was that?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Here Tom gave an account of Bragg's residence in Africa as related by himself.</p>
+
+<p>"The man is demented," said the Professor. "But do you think he will go after Botts?"</p>
+
+<p>"As sure as his name is Bragg," said Toney. "Yonder he comes now."</p>
+
+<p>Bragg was seen walking towards them rapidly, carrying a carpet-bag.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, gentlemen!" said he, hurrying along.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going, captain?" said Toney. "When will you return?"</p>
+
+<p>"As soon as I have settled with that villain Botts. Good-by!"</p>
+
+<p>Bragg hurried to the railway. A train of cars was just ready to start.
+"All aboard!" shouted the conductor, and the train moved off. Bragg
+seated himself with an ominous frown on his brow, for he was thinking of
+Botts. Immediately in front of him sat a man who had a large bundle by
+his side. The cars soon stopped at another station. The man got up and
+went out, leaving his bundle behind.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, my man, you have left your bundle!" exclaimed Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>The man made no answer, but had disappeared. The whistle sounded and the
+train was moving off, Bragg jumped up and threw the bundle out the
+window. It was picked up by a ragged loafer, who ran off with it. Just
+then the man re-entered the car.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is my bundle?" exclaimed he.</p>
+
+<p>"That man threw it out the window," said a passenger, pointing to Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed the man, and he looked out the window and saw the
+loafer running of with his bundle. "You infernal thief!&mdash;threw my bundle
+out the window for one of your gang to carry off!"</p>
+
+<p>Bragg protested his innocence and endeavored to explain.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's a pretty story!" said the man. "You<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> are a sharp rogue! If
+you don't pay me for my bundle I will have you arrested at the next
+station and carried back to jail."</p>
+
+<p>"How much was your bundle worth?" asked Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty dollars," said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's the money," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>The man took the twenty dollars and resumed his seat. The train now
+stopped at another station and two constables rushed on board. They
+looked around with keen and searching glances.</p>
+
+<p>"Jim," said one of them to the other, "that's the man. Arrest him!"</p>
+
+<p>"I arrest you in the name of the law," said Jim, laying his hand on
+Bragg's shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>"Arrest me!" exclaimed the astonished captain. "For what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Burglary!" said the constable.</p>
+
+<p>"By the powers of mud, stand back!" shouted the indignant Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along, my lad!" said the constable. And Bragg, struggling with the
+officers and uttering volleys of oaths, was dragged from the car and had
+handcuffs put on his wrists.</p>
+
+<p>"I knew that fellow was a thief," said the man who had lost his bundle.</p>
+
+<p>A daring burglary had been committed in the neighborhood of Bella Vista.
+At about twelve o'clock on the preceding night the store-room which
+adjoined the dwelling-house of a country merchant had been broken open.
+The merchant was aroused and entered the store-room, but was knocked
+down and gagged by the burglars, and his goods carried off before his
+eyes. He had described the leader of the gang as a tall, raw-boned man,
+with a Roman nose. The appearance of Captain Bragg corresponded to the
+description, and hence he was arrested by the vigilant constables.</p>
+
+<p>Great was the astonishment of Toney and his two friends when the train
+stopped, and they beheld Bragg led from the cars by the officers, with
+handcuffs on his wrists.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" said Toney, "Bragg has <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>encountered Botts and murdered
+him, and has been arrested for the crime."</p>
+
+<p>"That is just what has happened!" exclaimed Seddon, with a look of horror.</p>
+
+<p>"It is shocking to think of!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder a man on account of a monkey!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>The constables kept off the crowd, and would allow no one to speak to the prisoner.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton!" exclaimed Bragg, "I want you to be my attorney."</p>
+
+<p>"Very good," said Jim, "you can talk to your lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>Toney was permitted to converse with Bragg, who explained to him the
+nature of the charge which had caused his arrest.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank Heaven!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank Heaven for what?" asked Bragg, in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"That it is no worse," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What could be worse? Arrested as a burglar!" said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Where were you at twelve o'clock last night?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"At my boarding-house," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Can you prove that?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"By whom?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"By my landlady and a dozen of her boarders. I was playing cards, and
+won a hundred dollars," said Bragg.</p>
+
+<p>"Tom Seddon," shouted Toney, "run to Captain Bragg's boarding-house, and
+tell the landlady and her boarders to come immediately to the magistrate's office."</p>
+
+<p>Captain Bragg was brought into the office.</p>
+
+<p>"Take off the handcuffs," said the justice. "A party accused should be
+unmanacled when he has a hearing."</p>
+
+<p>Jim took off the handcuffs, and then stationed himself at the door with
+his hand on his revolver, ready to shoot down the desperate burglar if
+he should attempt to escape.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. Belton," said the justice, "we will proceed with the examination."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p><p>The landlady swore that Captain Bragg was in her house at twelve
+o'clock on the preceding night. Her testimony was fully corroborated by
+that of a dozen of her boarders. An alibi had already been clearly
+established by the evidence, when the merchant who had been robbed
+walked into the room. He approached Bragg and scrutinized his countenance.</p>
+
+<p>"This is not the man," said he. "The robber was a much handsomer man
+than the ugly old fellow you have got here."</p>
+
+<p>In consequence of this testimony Captain Bragg was discharged from
+custody; but he was so mortified and humiliated at having been
+handcuffed and charged with burglary that he immediately took his
+departure from Bella Vista; telling Toney that he intended to leave the
+United States, and seek an asylum among the islands of the Pacific Ocean.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XVII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"It is too bad! it is too bad!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, rushing into the
+room which Toney and the Professor were quietly fumigating with a couple
+of havanas. "It is terrible to think of!"</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter, Tom?" said Toney. "Has old Crabstick been afflicted
+with another fit of canine rabies, and bit you on the calf of the leg?"</p>
+
+<p>"Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings have gone to Mexico!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what of that?" said Toney. "Thousands of young men have gone
+thither, and many have won distinction; and from my knowledge of Harry
+and Clarence, I am certain that both of them will soon gather luxuriant
+crops of laurel on the field of battle."</p>
+
+<p>"But Claribel Carrington is dying," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Dying?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I fear it is so," said Tom. "I was at Colonel <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>Hazlewood's house this
+morning when the newspaper was brought in. Claribel took it in her hand
+and was glancing over it when she suddenly let it drop; sat speechless
+for a moment; put her hand to her brow, and then, with a faint cry, sank
+senseless on the floor. She had seen the paragraph announcing the
+departure of Clarence and Harry. We lifted her up and her lips were
+discolored with blood. I fear that the sudden shock produced the rupture
+of a blood-vessel. She was carried to her room, and two doctors are in attendance."</p>
+
+<p>"But what of Imogen?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"She hastily snatched up the paper and glanced at the paragraph, and
+then it fell from her hand. She never uttered a word. I do not know
+whether that stately beauty is possessed of feeling," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"As much perhaps as the other," said the Professor. "Some women are like
+the Laconian boy, with the fox eating away his life. With them agony has
+no outward expression. They suffer and are silent."</p>
+
+<p>"Women are enigmas," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They are like pigs," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"If you want them to go to Cork you must make them suppose you desire
+them to go to Kilkenny."</p>
+
+<p>"I believe you are right," said Toney. "Now, here are Claribel and
+Imogen who have been bestowing their smiles on everybody but Clarence
+and Harry. For those two gentlemen, who are handsome, educated, and
+accomplished, neither of these young ladies has had a kindly look or
+friendly word for a whole week. One who was unacquainted with the secret
+workings of a woman's heart would have supposed that Claribel was deeply
+in love with Rosebud's purple proboscis."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is Rosebud?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Wiggins," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The fellow with the long rubicund nasal protuberance?" asked the
+Professor. "He who is supposed to be the Most Worthy Donkey of the
+Mystic Brotherhood?"</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Toney. "And Imogen appeared to be equally infatuated
+with the Long Green Boy."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p><p>"Who is he?" inquired the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Sam Perch," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, you mean the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor. "The
+interesting young gentleman who was so unsuccessful in his elaborate
+attempt at suicide."</p>
+
+<p>"That's the youth," said Toney. "And now, when Clarence and Harry,
+worried and maddened by the caprice of these two young ladies, have gone
+off to Mexico, you see what has happened."</p>
+
+<p>"It was all the doings of your Seven Sweethearts, as you call them,"
+exclaimed Tom Seddon. "They must be made to leave the town."</p>
+
+<p>"They have all gone but two," said Toney. "The exodus of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss leaves Pate and Wiggins alone to conduct the operations of
+lady-killing and making havoc among hearts."</p>
+
+<p>"And Wiggins has killed Claribel, if I am not mistaken," said Seddon.
+"They must be made to leave," said he, with emphasis. "Pate has been
+bobbing his big bald head about in the mansion of old Crabstick, and has
+been gallanting Ida all around. He has magnetized her eccentric
+guardian, who is under the impression that Pate is wealthy, and
+cordially welcomes him to his house; while he will hardly allow me to
+exchange a word with Ida, and sometimes when I am in the parlor he will
+have one of his fits of hypochondria, or whatever you may call it, and
+will come bounding in on all fours, barking and pretending to bite. It
+is all put on; for the old Cerberus is polite enough in the presence of M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Tom, how do you propose to effect the expulsion of the Noble
+Grand Gander and the Most Worthy Donkey?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They met me on the street about an hour ago," said Seddon, "and
+proposed that we three should accompany them on a serenade, intended for
+the entertainment of Ida."</p>
+
+<p>"How far does Crabstick live from the town?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"About two miles," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I will arrange with some young men in Bella Vista,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> who will eagerly
+participate in the performance. We will have fun," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"There is nothing like fun," said the Professor. "I am about to
+originate a sect to be called the Funny Philosophers. Let's organize it
+at once. We three,&mdash;Toney, Tom, and Tickle."</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And now we will commence operations by going on the proposed serenade,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And Pate and Wiggins shall leave this town!" said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XVIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twinkling, when Toney,
+Tom, and the Professor started, in company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate,
+on a pedestrian excursion to the mansion of Samuel Crabstick, situated
+at a distance of about two miles from the town of Bella Vista. They had
+proceeded some distance when they came to a rustic stile which had been
+erected over a fence on the side of the main road, and from which a path
+led through a field into a forest. Toney seated himself on the stile and
+proposed that they should diverge from the main road and follow the path
+across the field; saying that it was the most direct route to their
+place of destination.</p>
+
+<p>"I would prefer the main road," said Pate. "It is more circuitous; but
+there is no moon, and it will be very dark in yonder forest. We will
+have difficulty in finding our way through it."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said Toney, "I know every foot of the path, which runs in
+a straight line to the place we are going."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, let us take the path," said the Professor. "When beauty is the
+attraction I always want to make a bee-line for her abode."</p>
+
+<p>"That is in accordance with natural laws," said Toney. "Who ever saw
+pyrites of iron taking a circuitous route to the magnet? Ida is the
+magnet. Is it not so, Tom?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p><p>Tom nodded assent.</p>
+
+<p>"And we are the pyrites," said the Professor. "Let us go straight to the
+attraction, and not be acting contrary to the laws of nature."</p>
+
+<p>Pate was overcome by these arguments, and, ascending the stile, was
+about to pursue that path, when Toney called out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be in a hurry, Mr. Pate. We have plenty of time."</p>
+
+<p>"In fact, it is too early yet for a serenade," said the Professor. "We
+should wait until the young lady has put on her nightcap. If we wake her
+out of her first nap, when she has been wandering in the fairy-land of
+dreams, her impression will be that angels are singing around her window."</p>
+
+<p>"That is so," said Toney. "Let us wait. I have a proposition to make."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Here we are going on a serenade," said Toney. "Now, I move that each
+man furnish evidence of his musical accomplishments by singing a song.
+Let Mr. Pate lead off."</p>
+
+<p>"A song from Mr. Pate!" cried the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"A song from Mr. Pate!" shouted Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate will now sing," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>Thus urged, Pate seated himself, and in loud if not mellifluous tones
+sang as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The summer day's faded and starlight is streaming</div>
+<div class="i1">In beautiful showers from heaven above;</div>
+<div>And welcome sweet midnight! for then in its dreaming</div>
+<div class="i1">My spirit is wafted away to my love.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Let others rejoicing, then welcome Aurora,</div>
+<div class="i1">As fann'd by zephyrs she blushes so bright;</div>
+<div>But midnight! sweet midnight! I'll ever adore her,</div>
+<div class="i1">And mourn when the morning returns with its light.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate," said the Professor, "if you wake the young lady up by
+warbling that melody under her window, she will think that you are an
+angel of magnificent proportions and tremendous vocal powers. Now, Mr.
+Wiggins, it is your turn."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p><p>Wiggins cleared his throat and sang the following ditty:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div class="i1">Oh, maiden fair,</div>
+<div class="i1">With raven hair,</div>
+<div>And lips so sweetly pouting,</div>
+<div class="i1">I do avow,</div>
+<div class="i1">That until now,</div>
+<div>I've in my mind been doubting</div>
+<div class="i1">If 'twere not sin</div>
+<div class="i1">To rank you in</div>
+<div>The race of us poor mortals;</div>
+<div class="i1">Thinking you might,</div>
+<div class="i1">By some fair sprite,</div>
+<div>Escaped from heaven's own portals.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div class="i1">But as I now</div>
+<div class="i1">Gaze on that brow</div>
+<div>So fondly and so madly,</div>
+<div class="i1">I am afraid,</div>
+<div class="i1">My lovely maid,</div>
+<div>My fancy's lowered sadly;</div>
+<div class="i1">For while 'mid bliss</div>
+<div class="i1">So sweet as this</div>
+<div>My soul's to rapture given,</div>
+<div class="i1">Alas! my mind</div>
+<div class="i1">Is more inclined</div>
+<div>To earth than 'tis to heaven.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Indeed, Mr. Wiggins, you must not warble that song under the young
+lady's window," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not intend to do so," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad of that," said the Professor, "for if you did she would
+imagine that you were some fallen angel on a midnight peregrination. And
+now, Toney, let us hear from you."</p>
+
+<p>Toney sang:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Come to the green grove! where wild vines are clinging</div>
+<div>Around the tall elms, whose broad boughs are flinging</div>
+<div>Their shade o'er the roof of the cottage so near</div>
+<div>To the banks of the streamlet meandering clear.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>There we'll recline 'neath the shade of the willow,</div>
+<div>Where roses and lilies have wreathed a sweet pillow,</div>
+<div>And the goldfinch concealed in the green boughs above</div>
+<div>Is warbling all day to his beautiful love.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>There we will watch the blithe humming-bird roving,</div>
+<div>And purple-winged butterflies fairy-like moving</div>
+<div>Among the blue violets that bloom at our feet,</div>
+<div>And throw all around us their fragrance so sweet.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span><div>There thou shalt sing, love, and then as I hear thee,</div>
+<div>Drink in thy soft tones, and know that I'm near thee,</div>
+<div>I'll fancy 'tis Eden around me I see,</div>
+<div>And thou art an angel to share it with me.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Toney," said the Professor, "when the young lady hears that she will
+suppose that the spirit of a troubadour is warbling under her window.
+And now, Mr. Seddon."</p>
+
+<p>Tom sang:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The green wood is ringing with mocking-birds' notes,</div>
+<div>And melody springing from turtle-doves' throats,</div>
+<div>And wild flowers growing so beautiful there,</div>
+<div>Their fragrance are throwing all over the air.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>But see! in yon bower, that wild vines inclose,</div>
+<div>A lovelier flower than lily or rose;</div>
+<div>Your beauties have vanished, ye lilies so fair,</div>
+<div>To her cheeks are banished; go seek for them there!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Your sweetness, ye roses, which butterflies sip,</div>
+<div>Hath gone&mdash;it reposes upon her soft lip;</div>
+<div>Thy music, sweet dove, now no more thou'lt prolong!</div>
+<div>Oh, list to my love now! she's stolen thy song.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon, the young lady will be persuaded that you are a twin
+brother to the troubadour," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Charley," said Toney, "we are waiting to hear you warble."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor sang:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Come hasten with me, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Come hasten away!</div>
+<div>Come haste to yon lea, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Where flow'rets so gay</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Their beauties have blended,</div>
+<div class="i1">As richly as though</div>
+<div>'Twere fragments all splendid</div>
+<div class="i1">Of yonder bright bow,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>By fairy hands riven</div>
+<div class="i1">In moments of mirth,</div>
+<div>And flung from yon heaven</div>
+<div class="i1">T' embellish the earth.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Come haste to yon lea, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Come hasten with me!</div>
+<div>And then thou shalt see, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Naught fairer than thee.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p><p>"How do you expect her to see in the dark?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, she must have patience and wait until morning," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>The serenaders now arose from their seats, and, proceeding across the
+field, soon entered the forest, which was traversed in various
+directions by paths made by the cattle that were accustomed to browse on
+the bushes. The path pursued by the party soon led them to a spot where
+the foliage was dense, and, entirely excluding the starlight, enveloped
+them in gloomy darkness. Tom Seddon now exclaimed,&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, why did you select this road? Let us go back. This is the very
+spot where a man was found, not long ago, with his throat cut, and three
+bullet-holes through his head."</p>
+
+<p>"Horrible!" exclaimed Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go back!" cried Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Numerous robberies and murders have been committed in this forest,"
+said Tom. "In fact, it is infested by a gang of desperadoes. If we go
+on, none of us may ever return to Bella Vista alive."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh!" groaned Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go back!" exclaimed Wiggins,&mdash;"I will not&mdash;ugh!"</p>
+
+<p>There was a sudden flash from the bushes, followed by a loud report, and
+poor Tom dropped dead at the feet of M. T. Pate. Before a word could be
+uttered, another shot was fired, and Toney staggered against a tree and
+then fell to the ground with a groan.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!&mdash;run!" exclaimed Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!&mdash;run!&mdash;run!" cried Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!&mdash;run!&mdash;run!&mdash;run!" said the Professor, when there was another
+report, and he exclaimed, falling to the earth, "Oh!&mdash;oh!&mdash;oh!&mdash;I am
+shot!&mdash;help!&mdash;help!&mdash;murder! murder!"</p>
+
+<p>Pate and Wiggins fled through the forest with the murderers shouting and
+firing in their rear. As it happened, they soon became separated, and
+each got into a path which led him away from the other. After running
+with unexampled speed for some time, Pate suddenly found himself<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> on the
+back of some huge horned monster, which rose from the earth with a loud
+roar and galloped off with him. How far he rode on the back of his
+terrible courser he never could tell; but at last the creature leaped
+over the trunk of a fallen tree, and Pate rolled off and sank to the
+earth in a comatose condition, induced by extreme terror.</p>
+
+<p>When he became conscious, he got up and wandered for hours, through the
+forest, lost and bewildered, and in the utmost dread of falling into the
+hands of the desperadoes, who had slain poor Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor. At length the day broke; and as he wandered on he espied some
+one coming towards him who had a most hideous appearance. Pate was about
+to turn and fly, when the man called to him, and he recognized the voice
+of William Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>Wiggins had fled in headlong haste until he had emerged from the forest,
+and entered an inclosure surrounding a farm-house. Here he was so
+unfortunate as to overturn a bee-hive and was so badly stung by the
+infuriated insects that he rushed blindly around, and got among the
+poultry. Hearing the commotion among his fowls, the farmer came out with
+a club, and vigorously belabored the supposed thief, until the latter
+escaped, and fled back to the forest, with his face shockingly swollen
+by the stings of the bees, and his body terribly bruised by the blows
+from the farmer's cudgel.</p>
+
+<p>When Wiggins had told his doleful story, Pate proceeded to relate how he
+had been carried off on the back of some horned monster, which had
+suddenly risen out of the earth, and must have been the devil. It now
+being broad daylight, they succeeded in finding the way to the town,
+where they told a tale of horror to the landlord at the hotel. But while
+they were describing the bloody murder in the forest, the landlord, with
+a smile, pointed out Toney, Tom, and the Professor standing on the
+opposite side of the street, in the midst of a group of young men, who
+were laughing immoderately at something which was being told. Pate and
+Wiggins were now informed that they had been made the victims of a
+singular custom, which was peculiar to that locality, and was termed,
+"running a greenhorn." Apprehensive of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> the ridicule which would be
+heaped upon them, they immediately took their departure from the
+beautiful town of Bella Vista.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XIX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"The Funny Philosophers have caused the exodus of the Seven
+Sweethearts," said the Professor, as the three friends sat in Toney's
+room in the hotel the morning subsequent to the departure of Pate and Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Our sect must flourish," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And Pate's big bald head will not be seen bobbing about in Bella
+Vista," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon, you should not speak irreverently of bald heads," said the
+Professor. "Remember the forty irreverent young lads and the she-bears,
+and learn that bald-headed people are under the especial protection of
+Providence. I am partially bald myself, and am under the impression that
+this calamity came upon me in consequence of my having once deprived an
+unfortunate individual of his hair."</p>
+
+<p>"Did what?" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"On one occasion I helped to scalp a man," said the Professor, gravely
+and mournfully.</p>
+
+<p>"Helped to scalp a man!" exclaimed Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"I am sorry to say that I did, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"How was it?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a strange story," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us have it," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Some years ago," said the Professor, "I was on a steamboat going down
+one of the large rivers in the South-west. The boat stopped at a landing
+and a big fellow came on board. He was a rough, unpolished individual,
+with long hair reaching down to his shoulders. He appeared to be in a
+bad humor with himself and with all mankind; being one of those peculiar
+specimens of humanity who believe that the whole duty of man is to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>
+fight. As soon as he came on board it was apparent to the passengers
+that he was a bully in quest of a quarrel. But everybody avoided him,
+and for a long while he was unsuccessful in finding what he was seeking
+for. Finally, however, his perseverance was amply rewarded. The bell
+rang for dinner, and there was a rush for the saloon. The bully seated
+himself at the head of the table. At intervals, among the dishes, were a
+number of apple-pies. 'Waiter,' exclaimed the bully, 'bring me that
+pie.' It was placed before him. 'And that one,' said he. The waiter
+obeyed, and the bully reiterated his order until he had every apple-pie
+on the table directly under his nose."</p>
+
+<p>"The glutton!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Did he eat all the pies?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Mr. Seddon, he did not," said the Professor. "Having collected all
+the pies before him, he sternly glanced at the two rows of indignant
+faces along the table. He saw anger in every eye; a frown upon every
+brow; but not a word had been spoken. There was a dead silence, when the
+bully brought down his fist on the table with tremendous force, and
+fiercely shouted, 'I say that any man who don't like good apple-pie is a
+d&mdash;d rascal!' This was more than human nature could endure. In an
+instant every man was on his feet. The table was overturned, and hams,
+and turkeys, and roast-pigs rolled on the floor. There was a general
+fight. Pistols exploded, bowie-knives were brandished, and fists flourished!"</p>
+
+<p>"All endeavoring to get at the daring monopolizer of the apple-pies, I
+suppose?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"By no means, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor. "There was promiscuous
+fighting. Many who had no opportunity of dealing a blow at the bully,
+fought and pommeled one another. I retreated to a corner."</p>
+
+<p>"But what became of the bully?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I was about to tell you. As I stood on the defensive, warding off the
+blows which were occasionally aimed at me, I saw a huge head coming
+towards me like a battering-ram, the body to which it belonged being
+propelled by kicks in the rear. The head was about to come in contact
+with this portion of my anatomy&mdash;what do you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> call it?" said the
+Professor, placing his hand on the part designated.</p>
+
+<p>"The bread-basket," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"No, that is not it," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The abdomen," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That's the scientific term," said the Professor. "In order to protect
+my abdomen from injury, I involuntarily reached out and convulsively
+grasped the head by its long hair. As I did so, a bowie-knife descended
+and shaved off the scalp, leaving it, with its long locks, in my grasp."</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do with your trophy?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I rushed from the saloon, yelling like an Indian, with the scalp in my
+hand. It belonged to the bully. He soon came upon deck howling for his hair."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you restore it to the owner?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the Professor. "To the victor belong the spoils. I escaped
+into the cook's galley, and carefully wrapped the scalp in some loose
+sheets of the Terrific Register, and put it in my pocket, and afterwards
+transferred it to my trunk. It is now in the possession of the learned
+Professor Boneskull, who has been informed by his oracle that it was one
+of the trophies found by the Kentuckians in the possession of the
+celebrated Tecumseh when he was slain in battle."</p>
+
+<p>"But the bully?" said Toney. "I am interested in his fate."</p>
+
+<p>"He was like Samson. The loss of his hair seemed to deprive him of
+strength and courage. His belligerency departed from him. He became
+quiet and orderly, and during the rest of the passage never meddled with
+the apple-pies, but behaved with perfect decorum. He was soon afterwards
+seen on the anxious bench at a camp-meeting, and he is now a bald-headed
+Methodist preacher, remarkable for his piety and mild and dovelike disposition."</p>
+
+<p>"The loss of his locks seems to have been of essential service to him," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"I wish, however, that I had given him back his hair," said the
+Professor. "I suffered severely in consequence of depriving him of it."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p><p>"In what way?" inquired Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"It was retribution, I suppose," said the Professor. "As soon as I had
+pocketed the fellow's hair I began to lose my own. It fell out by
+handfuls, and in a few months I had a bald patch on the top of my head
+of ample area. It made me melancholy and poetical."</p>
+
+<p>"I must confess that I cannot perceive any necessary connection between
+a bald head and poetry," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Toney, my dear fellow," said the Professor, "you must know that
+when a man gets a bald pate he naturally begins to think of domestic
+bliss and connubial felicity, which are poetical subjects. If he
+meditates long on these subjects, versification will be the inevitable
+result. It was so in my case. As I titillated the top of my bald head
+with my forefinger, I plainly perceived that the time had come for me to
+marry. So, like a bird on Saint Valentine's day, I began to look around for a mate."</p>
+
+<p>"You were like Dobbs, seeking for an angel and seven sweet little cherubs," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"No, Mr. Seddon, I was seeking for a dovelike little woman, and I
+thought I had found one. In my imagination Dora was like a gentle white
+dove. I cooed around her, and courted for weeks, and wrote some verses
+in her album. I remember them well."</p>
+
+<p>"I would like to hear them," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They can be produced from the archives of my memory," said the
+Professor; and he recited the following verses:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>When morn had sown her orient gems among the golden flowers</div>
+<div>That blushed upon their purple stalks in fairy-haunted bowers,</div>
+<div>Among the glowing throng around, a tender bud I spied,</div>
+<div>That meekly held its humble place the verdant walk beside.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>No gaudy beauties decked its crest with variegated dyes,</div>
+<div>Like blinding splendors blazing o'er the summer's evening skies;</div>
+<div>With simple moss encircled round, it hung its head to earth,</div>
+<div>And yet in Flora's language it denotes superior worth.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>And&mdash;what from poet's eye is hid, by others though unseen?&mdash;</div>
+<div>It was the favorite palace of the lovely Fairy Queen;</div>
+<div>Adown its tender petals oft her tiny chariot rolled,</div>
+<div>And she within its fragrant folds her Elfin court did hold.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span><div>'Twas then I thought of one who blooms 'mid beauty's living flowers,</div>
+<div>Like this sweet bud among its mates within the garden's bowers,</div>
+<div>With unassuming, modest grace&mdash;her charms she never knew&mdash;</div>
+<div>Superior worth her brightest charm. And, lady, is it you?</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"I read these verses to Dora, and then I asked her the question
+propounded in the last line."</p>
+
+<p>"What did she say?" inquired Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"She said no!"</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps she was offended by the comparison to so humble a flower," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"It may have been so," said the Professor. "I then asked her a question
+in relation to the annexation of our destinies."</p>
+
+<p>"What did she say?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"She said no! I then asked her again in more unequivocal terms. I told
+her that I was seeking for domestic bliss and connubial felicity, and
+earnestly inquired if she would not assist me in the search."</p>
+
+<p>"What was her reply?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"She said no! And this time the dovelike Dora laughed in my face."</p>
+
+<p>"After having answered no three times?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Three negatives do not make an affirmative, Mr. Seddon, especially when
+the final negation to your very serious and sentimental proposal is
+accompanied by laughter. I was mortified and angry, and so I hurried home&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"To do like Perch&mdash;procure a pint of laudanum?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said the Professor. "Upon arriving at my homestead I ate a
+very hearty dinner; for I was hungry and had a wolfish appetite; after
+which I immediately went into the arms of Morpheus. I did not wake until
+next morning, when, as I stood before a mirror making my toilet, I
+perceived that the bald patch on my head was considerably enlarged. A
+fit of melancholy and poetry came upon me, and resulted in the
+production of some verses, which, with your permission, I will repeat."</p>
+
+<p>"Do so," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"By all means!" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p><p>"It is a simple little ballad," said the Professor, "in which I
+endeavored to mingle as much pathos as did Goldsmith in his Hermit. Its
+recitation has often drawn tears from very obdurate individuals, and,
+gentlemen, I now notify you to produce your pocket-handkerchiefs."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor then recited the following stanzas:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The gentle spring is breathing</div>
+<div class="i1">Its fragrance all around,</div>
+<div>Rich with the scent of flow'rets</div>
+<div class="i1">That blossom o'er the ground;</div>
+<div>As if the glorious rainbow,</div>
+<div class="i1">When thunders rolled on high,</div>
+<div>Had parted into fragments</div>
+<div class="i1">And fallen from the sky,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>And scattered o'er the meadows,</div>
+<div class="i1">And through the orchards green,</div>
+<div>Its variegated colors</div>
+<div class="i1">To beautify the scene;</div>
+<div>The while, on golden winglets,</div>
+<div class="i1">The humming-bird so gay,</div>
+<div>Moves with a fairy motion,</div>
+<div class="i1">And rifles sweets away:</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>So rich his purple plumage,</div>
+<div class="i1">So beautiful his crest,</div>
+<div>'Tis to the eye of fancy</div>
+<div class="i1">As if some amethyst,</div>
+<div>Carved into a bright jewel</div>
+<div class="i1">All gloriously to deck,</div>
+<div>With its surpassing splendors,</div>
+<div class="i1">Some lovely lady's neck,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Hath felt the life-blood flowing</div>
+<div class="i1">From a mysterious spring,</div>
+<div>And fled a gaudy truant</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon a golden wing,</div>
+<div>Filled with a fairy spirit</div>
+<div class="i1">To sport upon the air,</div>
+<div>With never-tiring pinions</div>
+<div class="i1">Among the flow'rets fair.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Adown the sloping mountain,</div>
+<div class="i1">Where wave the ceders green,</div>
+<div>And ever-verdant laurel</div>
+<div class="i1">In blooming clusters seen,</div>
+<div>Leaps the wild, flashing streamlet</div>
+<div class="i1">With a loud shout of mirth,</div>
+<div>As though some mine of silver,</div>
+<div class="i1">Deep buried in the earth,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span><div>By hidden fires were melted</div>
+<div class="i1">Within its gloomy caves,</div>
+<div>And from its dark cell bursting,</div>
+<div class="i1">With its translucent waves,</div>
+<div>Now sparkles in the sunbeam,</div>
+<div class="i1">Now hid by ivy's shade,</div>
+<div>Till o'er a steep ledge pouring,</div>
+<div class="i1">It forms a wild cascade,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Where, dashed into bright fragments,</div>
+<div class="i1">It glitters in the beam,</div>
+<div>And with its brilliant colors</div>
+<div class="i1">Unto the eye doth seem,</div>
+<div>That showers of liquid rubies,</div>
+<div class="i1">And molten gems of gold,</div>
+<div>With sapphire and with amber,</div>
+<div class="i1">In mingling waves are rolled</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>O'er these high rocks in torrents</div>
+<div class="i1">Unto the vale below,</div>
+<div>Then gain a course of smoothness,</div>
+<div class="i1">And gently on do flow</div>
+<div>'Mid banks of blooming roses</div>
+<div class="i1">And snow-white lilies fair,</div>
+<div>Where butterflies are floating</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon the balmy air,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>With many-colored winglets,</div>
+<div class="i1">O'er fragrant violets blue,</div>
+<div>And gayly sip their nectar</div>
+<div class="i1">Mixed with the honey'd dew;</div>
+<div>To gaze upon their beauties</div>
+<div class="i1">'Twould seem as if some fay,</div>
+<div>When roving through some garden</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon a sunny day,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Had waved his wand of magic</div>
+<div class="i1">O'er rose and tulip bright,</div>
+<div>That filled with life had started</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon a joyous flight,</div>
+<div>And down the grassy meadows,</div>
+<div class="i1">And 'mid the blooming trees,</div>
+<div>To visit now their kindred,</div>
+<div class="i1">Are floating on the breeze:</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>While from the woodland's thickets</div>
+<div class="i1">At intervals are heard</div>
+<div>The soft, melodious music</div>
+<div class="i1">Of the sweet mocking-bird;</div>
+<div>Which from those green recesses</div>
+<div class="i1">Echoes the merry notes,</div>
+<div>The little feathered songsters</div>
+<div class="i1">Pour from their warbling throats.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span><div>Thus nature ever smiling,</div>
+<div class="i1">Each living creature gay</div>
+<div>Seems filled with sunny gladness</div>
+<div class="i1">Throughout the cloudless day;</div>
+<div>While I, a lonely bachelor,</div>
+<div class="i1">Do bear a bleeding heart,</div>
+<div>Just like a wounded wild goat</div>
+<div class="i1">When stricken by a dart.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>I've seen each tie dissolving</div>
+<div class="i1">Of love and friendship sweet,</div>
+<div>Like lumps of sugar-candy</div>
+<div class="i1">When held unto the heat:</div>
+<div>My friends they all proved traitors,&mdash;</div>
+<div class="i1">I'm told it's always so,&mdash;</div>
+<div>Fidelity's a stranger</div>
+<div class="i1">In this rude world below.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>They smoked my best havanas</div>
+<div class="i1">And drank my best champagne,</div>
+<div>And borrowed many a dollar</div>
+<div class="i1">They ne'er returned again:</div>
+<div>But soon as fortune left me,</div>
+<div class="i1">They all deserted too&mdash;</div>
+<div>They made me half a Timon&mdash;</div>
+<div class="i1">The sycophantic crew!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>I turned from man to woman&mdash;</div>
+<div class="i1">Sweet woman to admire!</div>
+<div>But from the pan 'twas leaping</div>
+<div class="i1">Into the blazing fire!</div>
+<div>I met a lovely maiden,</div>
+<div class="i1">Who looked so very kind,</div>
+<div>I thought she was an angel,</div>
+<div class="i1">But I was very blind!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Like a deceitful siren,</div>
+<div class="i1">She led me far astray;</div>
+<div>I wandered in love's mazes</div>
+<div class="i1">Until I lost my way;</div>
+<div>But when I knelt to worship,</div>
+<div class="i1">Why, then she laughed outright&mdash;</div>
+<div>I told her I was dying,</div>
+<div class="i1">And Dora said I might.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>At that I grew quite angry,</div>
+<div class="i1">And feeling partly cured,</div>
+<div>Went home and ate my dinner,</div>
+<div class="i1">And then was quite restored:</div>
+<div>I ate six apple-dumplings,</div>
+<div class="i1">Then laid me down to sleep,</div>
+<div>Nor woke until next morning,</div>
+<div class="i1">Then from my couch did creep,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span><div>And gazing in the mirror,</div>
+<div class="i1">The sight my soul appall'd,</div>
+<div>For I beheld with horror</div>
+<div class="i1">That I was growing bald:</div>
+<div>Since then I've known no pleasure!</div>
+<div class="i1">Man's treachery I could bear,</div>
+<div>And the deceits of woman,</div>
+<div class="i1">But not the loss of hair!</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Goldsmith never wrote anything like that," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor Tennyson, neither," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Tennyson be hanged!" exclaimed Tom. "I'll match Tickle against him any day."</p>
+
+<p>"The composition of this poem fully developed my poetical genius," said
+the Professor. "I discovered that I could be a bard; and so I composed a
+whole book of poems."</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do with it?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I published it," said the Professor. "Did you never hear of it?"</p>
+
+<p>"I must candidly admit that I never did," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The critics cut and slashed away at my little book for about a month;
+and then they let it alone. It was not until several years after its
+publication that I heard a word in its praise; and that was under
+peculiar circumstances. I was looking over a lot of second-hand books on
+a stall at the corner of a street, when I discovered my own poems. I
+asked the price. The man said it was a work of rare genius and very
+scarce, but that as a favor I could have it for a dollar. This sounded
+like posthumous praise, and was very flattering. So I bought the book,
+and you can read it at your leisure."</p>
+
+<p>"Now we are on literary subjects," said Seddon, "I must remind Toney of
+his promise to read his biography of Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"Of whom?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Of M. T. Pate, the illustrious founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts," said Seddon. "Toney has written his biography."</p>
+
+<p>"Only one chapter," said Toney. "I can clearly foresee that Pate is
+destined to become a very distinguished<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> man. As he makes materials for
+his biography the work will progress. The first chapter has been written."</p>
+
+<p>"Read it," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Read it! read it!" exclaimed the Professor.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a
+trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You
+will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I
+speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of
+explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but
+before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he
+will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that
+the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly appropriate."</p>
+
+<p>With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information
+in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography
+we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in
+the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or
+the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been
+able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal
+place of the immortal M&aelig;onides was claimed by seven famous cities of
+ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven
+States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced
+the illustrious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period
+of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise
+a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even
+more hopeless than it is at present.</p>
+
+<p>"It is equally out of our power to designate the <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>particular period when
+this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so
+remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year
+of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to
+prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate
+circumstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he
+was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was
+remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who
+assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to
+asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as
+a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at
+the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized
+with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the
+selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had
+predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should
+have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to
+occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the
+family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in
+which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after
+one of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views led to many
+warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise,
+it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that
+each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated
+herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of
+Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She
+was much struck with the passage, and proposed the name of
+Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a
+serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously
+remarked that the name was so long that nobody would ever give the boy
+the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion
+had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the
+Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that,
+in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he
+had once been a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever
+thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles,
+after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in
+his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.</p>
+
+<p>"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby
+gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted
+that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to
+describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record
+of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and
+when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by
+his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds
+it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and
+insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have
+enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and
+stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.</p>
+
+<p>"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the
+other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their
+immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose,
+until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding
+eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest
+the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in
+full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her
+splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying
+that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she
+was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed
+that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel of the
+war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each
+intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the
+vale of obscurity,&mdash;in the valley of Ajalon,&mdash;then surmounting the
+intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen,
+and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in
+full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference
+to its actual magnitude.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> We once heard an old lawyer, who was <i>laudator
+temporis acti</i>, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of
+the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid
+luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant
+five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to
+be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that
+he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had
+attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the
+non-professional multitude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in
+magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.</p>
+
+<p>"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was
+hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon.
+Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which
+has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His
+constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appetite
+which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It
+also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous
+quantities of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that
+he was extremely fond of buttermilk, and would loiter around the dairy
+on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk,
+he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly
+youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet,
+and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny
+exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are
+necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and
+nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George
+Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.</p>
+
+<p>"Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and
+becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking
+for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled
+him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an
+honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase
+his pecuniary resources was exceedingly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> doubtful, as there was no
+probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by
+descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits,
+as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth.
+With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold;
+and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of
+shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.</p>
+
+<p>"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and
+his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his
+eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street
+following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had
+been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for
+while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his
+hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod
+on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with
+such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause
+the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on
+which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the
+severe trial with fortitude and resignation.</p>
+
+<p>"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received
+gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to
+become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with
+an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar
+edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had
+it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have
+seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a
+commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship
+struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid
+contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he
+thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.</p>
+
+<p>"A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle upon which the
+good-natured old gods of Greece and Rome are said to have gazed with
+more than ordinary interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>
+example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited by M. T. Pate
+in his early days, when he first broke open his little brown jug and
+counted his coppers and quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a
+considerable accumulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration of the
+contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two hundred and sixty-four
+dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents, all in specie. With these
+resources he determined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to
+become a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. The pious old
+lady, who had furnished him with one of his names, now urged him to
+enter upon a course of theological studies, so that she might soon have
+the satisfaction of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to a
+bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to become a bishop it
+would be necessary for him to understand Hebrew as well as Greek; and he
+was apprehensive that before he could master even the rudiments of those
+difficult languages the accumulations of his industry and economy would
+be entirely exhausted. The good old lady promised him pecuniary
+assistance, and thus encouraged he began with the Greek; but his hopes
+were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which deprived the church of
+one of its brightest ornaments, and multitudes of sinners of the counsel
+and consoling advice of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a
+bright morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating the
+letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was in the garden below
+with a negro servant named Alfred, engaged in horticultural pursuits,
+was shocked by hearing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and
+simplicity she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed into
+the house and began to upbraid the astonished student with his base
+ingratitude and treachery. In vain did the unfortunate victim of her
+lamentable ignorance protest his entire innocence. She had the highest
+kind of evidence&mdash;that of her own senses&mdash;against the plea of not
+guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate it again and again,
+'Alfred, beat her! d&mdash;d her! pelt her?' She would listen to no
+explanation, but indignantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her
+anger<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and from
+that time forth she would have nothing to say to him. Thus was the
+unlucky youth thrown once more upon his beam-end, and was compelled to
+abandon all hope of ever becoming a bishop."</p>
+
+<p>Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, you had better leave that out. Nobody will believe that Pate,
+who was about to commence his theological studies, would sit on the sill
+of the window and swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the
+garden&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"You do not see the point," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said the Professor, "Pate was repeating the first four Greek
+letters, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and the old woman supposed that he was swearing."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that's it!" said Tom. "I was dull, indeed!"</p>
+
+<p>"But," said the Professor, "I think that I have heard this anecdote before."</p>
+
+<p>"Undoubtedly you have," said Toney. "Pate is a much older man than you.
+He was the unlucky student who met with this sad misfortune. It happened
+when you were in your nurse's arms. You heard the anecdote after you
+grew up, but never learned until now that the student was M. T. Pate.
+But shall I resume my reading?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do so," said the Professor. "I am much interested."</p>
+
+<p>Toney took up the manuscript, and read:</p>
+
+<p>"Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he determined to betake
+himself to the study of law, in which a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor
+of Greek was necessary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he
+entered a law-school, where he continued for some time; the contents of
+the little brown jug miraculously holding out like the oil in the
+widow's cruse, owing to his great economy. It is not to be supposed that
+even this able jurist could without an earnest effort overcome every<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>
+obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On the contrary,
+when he first encountered Coke, he was much discouraged and sometimes
+afflicted with fits of despondency. But plucking up courage, he went
+vigorously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the learning of
+that great and voluminous author which he believed it possible for any
+human intellect ever to comprehend. In performing this Herculean labor
+he scratched a considerable quantity of hair from his head; and
+continuing this singular practice during the whole course of his
+studies, before he had finished the fourth book of Blackstone,</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div class="i12">his scalp's</div>
+<div>Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"In other words, he became a bald Pate," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "you are strangely forgetful of the
+admonition to speak reverently when you refer to a depilous cranium.
+Now, here you are punning with the most unbecoming levity on a nude
+noddle. You had better beware! Although there are no she-bears in this
+vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not escape with impunity."</p>
+
+<p>"Peccavi," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Absolution is granted;" said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the reading."</p>
+
+<p>Toney resumed:</p>
+
+<p>"A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in the profession
+to the fact that he started without property of any sort save only a
+pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. Pate carried no carnal weapons. He
+had neither hair-trigger pistols nor much hair on his head; but he had a
+little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. When he was
+admitted to practice, the contents of the little brown jug had been
+expended; and he started in his profession with a vigorous constitution
+and a small volume of legal lore, entitled 'Every Man his own Lawyer.'</p>
+
+<p>"The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to M. T. Pate for an
+important discovery immediately subsequent to his admission to the bar.
+We are told&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span><div>There is a language in each flower</div>
+<div class="i1">That opens to the eye;</div>
+<div>A voiceless but a magic power</div>
+<div class="i1">Doth in earth's blossoms lie,</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate symbol of his
+delightful occupation 'the dew-sweet eglantine.' The soldier chooses</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The deathless laurel as the victor's due.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping widow the cypress.
+The lover's flower is the myrtle; the player's, the hyacinth; the
+pugilist's, the fennel. But there never was a symbol for the legal
+profession until the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the
+<i>arbutus unedo</i>, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of Flora's
+lexicon, he found to be emblematic of perseverance. And as the
+gladiators of ancient Rome were accustomed to mingle large quantities of
+fennel with their food, because it tended to give them strength and
+courage, so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an opportunity
+offered, to devour a great abundance of strawberries; being fully
+persuaded that the fruit imparted a wonderful degree of patience and
+perseverance. In the spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him
+in immense quantities; and at other seasons of the year the preserved
+fruit was never absent from his table."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "pay attention to that. You are a
+young lawyer, and I would advise you to have the example of M. T. Pate
+ever in contemplation."</p>
+
+<p>"I most certainly will," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and cream," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Never!" exclaimed Seddon,&mdash;"never!"</p>
+
+<p>"Be assured," said the Professor, with much solemnity, "that a sincere
+devotion to this delicious little berry will finally bring its reward.
+It will enable you to wait with admirable patience for the big case
+which is to come and place you prominently before the public. Toney,
+excuse this interruption. Read on,&mdash;I am becoming deeply interested."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p><p>Toney proceeded with the reading as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsification of the old
+adage that fools are the recipients of fortune's favors; for this
+illustrious man, at the very outset of his professional career, met with
+no ordinary good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to the
+bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance of the Greek
+alphabet had deprived one profession of an ornament and added it to
+another, left these sublunary scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham's
+bosom. She had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingratitude of
+her former prot&eacute;g&eacute;. So far from this, she had, on every occasion,
+denounced him, with all the vehemence of virtuous indignation, as the
+black-hearted instigator of a meditated assault on her person. What,
+then, was his astonishment when he found that she had left a will in
+which she had bestowed on him all her worldly possessions. This
+testamentary document had been executed many years anterior to the
+melancholy event which had caused so wide a breach between them. She had
+put it carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it; for had her
+mind once reverted to the circumstance of its existence, nothing short
+of a supermundane interposition could have saved it from the devouring
+flames. She left him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a
+considerable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he should
+be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, at first, to contend
+for the property, on the ground that as he was not a bishop he could not
+claim under the will. But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim <i>lex
+non cogit ad impossibilia</i>, and said that although he was not a bishop
+at that particular period, he would endeavor to carry out the intentions
+of the testatrix by becoming one as soon as a favorable opportunity
+should offer. To manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout
+member of the church, and would sometimes read the service when the
+pastor was absent; and this he continued to do even after his secular
+duties had got to be exceedingly onerous; being apprehensive of trouble
+about his title unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus was this
+threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud; and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> M. T. Pate took peaceable
+possession of his beautiful farm, which he soon found was mortgaged
+nearly to the extent of its actual value in the market.</p>
+
+<p>"Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur applied to the
+flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in his career. Now, let no one
+imagine that we perceive any particular resemblance between this eminent
+jurist and an ass; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent
+admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have employed, for it is
+not only appropriate in its present connection but it is undoubtedly
+classical. The mighty Ajax was compared by Homer to an ass; but it was
+only to show what sturdy qualities he possessed, and what an immense
+amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. With intentions equally as
+innocent, we have likened the eminent M. T. Pate to an ass, merely to
+show how stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how he was
+impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of necessity. Had his beautiful
+farm been unincumbered, he might have remained in obscurity, up to his
+knees in clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the luxuriant
+pastures of prosperity. But with the burden of a heavy mortgage on his
+back, and the rowels of pecuniary difficulties goring his flanks, he got
+briskly into motion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or
+otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the glorious
+goal at which so many are aiming, but which so few will ever attain."</p>
+
+<p>"What glorious goal has Pate reached?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"You forget the observations with which I prefaced the reading of the
+manuscript," said Toney. "This is only the first chapter of what is
+intended to be a very voluminous work. It is true that M. T. Pate has
+not yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have written the
+concluding portion of his biography I am confident that you will behold
+him on the very pinnacle of the temple of fame."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney is a prophet," said Tom. "He truly predicted what has since
+happened to the two young ladies and their lovers who have gone to the Mexican war."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p><p>"Poor Claribel!" said Toney. "I sincerely wish that my vaticinations
+had not been verified."</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh! pooh!" said the Professor. "Their lovers have taken wing and
+flown away, but they will come back little turtle-doves in the spring,
+and then, after a little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty
+pairs building their nests. And besides, although love is a disease
+which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom fatal in its results."</p>
+
+<p>"Is it not?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, no," said the Professor. "Dora jilted me, and am I dead? Ecce
+homo! fat and flourishing, and the founder of the sect of Funny Philosophers."</p>
+
+<p>"I would really like to know the condition of Claribel's health," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It had much improved when I called and made inquiry this morning," said
+Tom. "But I thought that I was about to witness war and bloodshed in the house."</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors," said Tom. "They
+were quarreling in the hall when I entered, and left the house shaking
+their fists in each other's faces."</p>
+
+<p>"What about?" inquired Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I was unable to ascertain," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, never mind," said the Professor. "Who shall decide when doctors
+disagree? Toney, let us hear the concluding portion of your manuscript.
+But, by Jove! what's that?"</p>
+
+<p>A loud noise was heard in the street; men shouting and boys hurrahing.
+Tom Seddon snatched up his hat, and, followed by Toney and the
+Professor, ran from the room.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Hurrah for Bull!" shouted a boy, as Tom reached the pavement in front
+of the hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"Bully for Bear! Pitch in! Hit him again! He called you another liar!"
+yelled a ragged urchin on the opposite side of the street.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are those belligerent gentlemen?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The very two doctors I saw shaking their fists in each other's faces at
+Colonel Hazlewood's door," said Tom Seddon. "I thought there would soon
+be active hostilities between them."</p>
+
+<p>"Good for Bull!" cried an urchin.</p>
+
+<p>"Wade in, Bear!" shouted another.</p>
+
+<p>"I bet on Bull!" said a third.</p>
+
+<p>"Bear's the man for my money!" yelled a fourth.</p>
+
+<p>"Which is Bull?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The red-faced man with spectacles on his nose, who is standing up in
+the buggy without a top, and is menacing his antagonist with the butt
+end of his whip," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"And Bear is the short fat man on horseback, brandishing his cane?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Right cut against cavalry!" shouted a soldier on the pavement, as Bull
+aimed a blow at Bear with his whip.</p>
+
+<p>"By jabers! that's the prod!" cried an Irishman, as Bear thrust the end
+of his cane in his adversary's face.</p>
+
+<p>The horse attached to the buggy now moved on a few paces and halted.
+Bear sat still on his horse, fiercely gazing at his antagonist.</p>
+
+<p>"At him again!" cried a boy.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be afraid! Show the blood of your mother!" yelled a second urchin.</p>
+
+<p>"Charge, Chester, charge!" shouted a third.</p>
+
+<p>Bear furiously spurred his horse and rushed up to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> buggy. A blow
+from Bull's whip knocked off his hat, and his bald head shone in the
+sun. At the same time a thrust from Bear's cane deprived Bull of his spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah for Bear! He has knocked out Bull's eyes!" shouted a boy.</p>
+
+<p>Bull seized Bear's cane and pulled it from his hands. Bear reached out
+and grasped Bull by the top of his head. Bull's wig came off.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! hurrah! he has scalped him!" shouted a boy.</p>
+
+<p>Bull was infuriated. He grappled Bear by a tuft of hair that grew on the
+side of his head. Bear's horse started back and the rider fell over his
+neck into the buggy. Then both belligerents commenced furiously fighting
+with their fists.</p>
+
+<p>"I command the peace! I command the peace!" cried a portly gentleman on the pavement.</p>
+
+<p>"They are at close quarters," said a soldier. "It is too late to command the peace."</p>
+
+<p>The belligerents in the buggy were furiously dealing blows and loudly
+uttering profanity, and the horse was frightened and ran off with the
+vehicle. Tom Seddon leaped on Bear's horse and galloped off in pursuit.
+On the main road leading from the town was a company of cavalry
+returning from a parade. The troopers opened to the right and left, and
+the two doctors passed through, furiously pommeling each other in the buggy.</p>
+
+<p>"By fours, right about wheel!" shouted the captain. "Trot! Gallop!
+Charge!" and away went the cavalry, clattering down the road in pursuit
+of the belligerent doctors! Tom Seddon brought up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing blows at his
+antagonist, and shouting and swearing in utter unconsciousness of the
+surroundings! On rode the gallant captain at the head of his company! On
+galloped Tom Seddon in the rear! Over a hill and down a descent they
+rushed at a terrific rate! On the top of the next hill stood a
+toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse running at full speed with a
+vehicle, closed the gate and stopped his career. "Halt!" shouted the
+captain. "Halt! halt!" cried the lieutenants. And the troopers<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> halted
+and sat on their panting horses, surrounding the buggy.</p>
+
+<p>"Draw sabers!" shouted the captain. And every saber leaped from its scabbard.</p>
+
+<p>"Surrender!" said the captain, riding up to the buggy. "In the name of
+the State I demand your surrender!" But Bull and Bear heard not, and
+heeded not. Each had grappled his antagonist by the throat, and was
+fiercely fighting.</p>
+
+<p>"Sergeant, dismount two sections and secure the prisoners," said the captain.</p>
+
+<p>Eight stalwart troopers, headed by a sergeant, leaped from their horses,
+and, rushing to the buggy, seized Bull and Bear by the legs and pulled them apart.</p>
+
+<p>"Tie their hands behind their backs," said the captain, "or they will go
+at it again."</p>
+
+<p>The prisoners were securely bound with cords, and each mounted behind a
+trooper, and were thus conducted back to the town.</p>
+
+<p>"I commit you both to jail for an outrageous breach of the peace," said
+the magistrate, who still stood on the pavement. "Here, constable, is
+the commitment. Take them both to jail. Put them in separate cells, and
+don't let them get at one another again."</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" said Colonel Hazelwood, as he saw the two physicians led
+away in the custody of the constable, "what am I to do? I have a sick
+person in my house, and the only two doctors in the town have been sent
+to jail for fighting in the street."</p>
+
+<p>"What did they quarrel about?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said the colonel, "the young lady was nervous, and could not
+sleep; and Bull wanted to give her a decoction of hops, while Bear was
+of opinion that she should drink a cup of catnip-tea."</p>
+
+<p>"Colonel," said the Professor, "allow me to give you some advice."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" inquired the colonel.</p>
+
+<p>"Never admit two doctors into your house, unless you desire to be the
+spectator of a pugilistic combat."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you so gallantly
+participated, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, when the three friends
+had returned to Toney's room. "In promptness and impetuosity it will
+compare with Colonel May's famous charge at the battle of Resaca de la Palma."</p>
+
+<p>"It was decisive," said Seddon. "Put an end to hostilities."</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Toney, do not let these two doctors be instrumental in
+bringing the life of M. T. Pate to an abrupt termination," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Two doctors are enough to bring any man's life to a termination," said
+Seddon. "If the walls of the jail were not solid and strong, it would be
+a very heavy premium which would induce me to insure the lives of their
+patients in Colonel Hazlewood's house."</p>
+
+<p>"It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to joke on such a
+sad and serious subject," said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
+reading of the biography of M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>Toney took up the manuscript and read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"The mighty oak, whose massive timbers entered into the construction of
+the magnificent steamship, was once an insignificant acorn, and the
+illustrious man whose wisdom and eloquence are the admiration of the
+multitude was once a humble attorney practicing in the petty court of a
+justice of the peace. A few miles from his residence was a village where
+Justice Johnson held his court on every second and fourth Saturday in
+each month. He had civil jurisdiction in actions of debt where the
+amount involved did not exceed the sum of fifty dollars; to which were
+superadded powers of adjudication in certain criminal causes, where the
+slave population were accused of sundry peccadilloes, such as nocturnal
+aggressions on the hen-roosts of the farmers in the neighborhood. From
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> decisions of the justice in civil suits there was an appeal to the
+county court.</p>
+
+<p>"In the court of the learned and dignified Justice Johnson M. T. Pate
+commenced his professional career; and here he continued to practice for
+a number of years before he ventured upon a more extended field of
+action. The fees were small, but with many cases and much economy his
+accumulations might be considerable. And, besides, like many men of
+merit, he was diffident of his abilities, and dreaded to meet a trained
+adversary in the field of forensic controversy. He hoped that this
+diffidence would wear off by degrees, and that he would not be like
+Counselor Lamb, who said that the older he grew, the more sheepish he
+became&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Stop, Toney, stop!" said the Professor. "Do you think that a pun is
+allowable in the biography of a great man, which should be almost as
+grave and dignified in its style as the history of a great nation?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is not a pun," said Toney. "It is the serious remark of a very
+learned lawyer. Lamb is a meek old lawyer in Mapleton, remarkable for
+his modesty. For many years he contented himself with a lucrative
+chamber practice, and never attempted to address a court or jury. But on
+one occasion a favorite negro servant of the lawyer was indicted for
+cutting off a bull's tail. Lamb undertook to defend him before a jury.
+He arose with much trepidation; his voice faltered; he could not
+articulate a word. A profuse perspiration bathed his brow, and he took
+out his handkerchief and wiped his face. There was some ugly unguent on
+the handkerchief, and it left a black spot on his brow.</p>
+
+<p>"'Look at old Lamb's face,' said a young attorney, in a loud whisper.</p>
+
+<p>"'It is&mdash;lam'black!' said another.</p>
+
+<p>"The twelve jurors in the box grinned. Lamb shook from head to foot. He
+grew desperate, and, in a loud voice, exclaimed, 'Gentlemen of the jury,
+the prisoner is indicted for cutting off a bull's tail. What&mdash;what&mdash;&mdash;'
+There was an awkward pause.</p>
+
+<p>"'He was going to ask what should be done with the bull,' whispered a
+young limb of the law.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span></p><p>"'Sell him at wholesale&mdash;you can't retail him,' said another attorney,
+in a whisper so loud as to be distinctly audible.</p>
+
+<p>"The jury were convulsed with laughter, which so increased the agitation
+of the advocate that he shook like an aspen, and finally dropped into
+his seat and covered his face with his handkerchief. The judge rapped
+with his gavel, and repressing the merriment which pervaded the
+court-room, told the counselor to proceed with his argument. But he
+could not utter another word. Some days afterwards as Lamb sat in his
+office, lamenting his infirmity to a friend, he said that the older he
+grew, the more sheepish he became."</p>
+
+<p>"Your explanation is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor,
+gravely. "Resume the reading of Pate's biography."</p>
+
+<p>Toney read on:</p>
+
+<p>"But even in this quiet little court he had an adversary who was a thorn
+in his side, often causing him great affliction, and sometimes intense
+agony. This adversary was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most
+singular physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and supposed
+to be crazy on all subjects except those appertaining to the law. On
+legal questions he exhibited great astuteness, and, having renounced the
+jack-plane and procured an odd volume of Burn's Justice, he had been
+practicing for some years before Justice Johnson, when M. T. Pate made
+his d&eacute;but. The carpenter considered himself the monarch of that bar, and
+when his youthful antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them
+was watched with nearly as much interest in the little village as was
+the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on a more celebrated forum. Many
+predicted that Piddler had now met with his match, and might even have
+to succumb; but their vaticinations were not verified in every instance.
+Extraordinary as it may seem, the carpenter usually came off victorious,
+and the learned attorney frequently left the court and went home deeply
+dejected by the humiliation of defeat.</p>
+
+<p>"In that neighborhood many people still talk about those celebrated
+trials, where Justice Johnson presided<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> and Piddler and Pate contended
+for victory. Most of these accounts are legendary, and no more reliable
+than are those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent orator
+of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have ascertained to be strictly
+authentic. A stout African, a slave named Sam, and an incorrigible
+sinner, had been brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of
+having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in that vicinity.
+Pate was for the defense and Piddler for the prosecution. The widow's
+son, a lad of twelve years, who was the principal witness, testified
+that he had set the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more
+than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition to the patient
+fowl to 'spread' herself, he left her, and, climbing a cherry-tree, was
+eating the fruit, when he saw Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs.
+The testimony was conclusive of the prisoner's guilt, and his counsel
+had to assail the character of the witness. But he was ably vindicated
+by Piddler, and the unfortunate Sam was convicted of petty larceny.
+Justice Johnson, being a humane man, in passing sentence, said, with
+tears in his eyes, 'Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal
+punishment to be indicted on any one, but my solemn duty must be
+performed. The sentence of the court is, that you be taken hence to the
+horse-rack, and have twelve lashes laid on your bare back, and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!'</p>
+
+<p>"Sam was taken to the place of execution, and having undergone his
+punishment with heroic fortitude, was about to be released by the
+constable, when his counsel appeared in court and moved for a new trial.
+The court ordered the officer to keep a sharp lookout on Sam, and sent
+for Piddler, who was celebrating his victory in a neighboring bar-room.
+Pate argued his motion with much ability, and demonstrated that the hen
+was worth so much, and that when the twenty eggs were hatched each
+chicken would be worth so much, and that the aggregate would amount to a
+sum sufficient to constitute the offense of grand larceny, over which
+the court had no jurisdiction. Piddler was fuddled, and failing to
+perceive any other weak point in his adversary's argument, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span>contented
+himself with saying that he did not think that his learned brother had
+any right to count his chickens before they were hatched. Justice
+Johnson very properly rebuked him for his levity; and firmly expressing
+his determination to maintain the dignity of the court, finally granted
+a new trial. So the case was again tried and with the same result. Sam
+was convicted and sentenced to receive another installment of twelve
+lashes on his bare back. Piddler always boasted of his success in this
+prosecution, and said that if he was defeated on the motion for a new
+trial, nevertheless he had got the curly-headed rascal twenty-four
+lashes on his bare back instead of twelve. On the other hand, Mr. Pate,
+after he had acquired more experience in his profession, candidly
+acknowledged that the motion for a new trial was an error on his part,
+as it could do his client no good under the circumstances, and actually
+did him a deal of harm. But he said he was then young, and allowed
+himself to be carried away by too eager a desire for the glory of a
+victory over his vaunting antagonist.</p>
+
+<p>"So frequently defeated before Justice Johnson, Mr. Pate had many
+appeals to the county court. These were usually tried by other attorneys
+whom he employed before the cases were called. But he was regular in his
+attendance, and each morning, during the terms, might be seen mounted on
+his favorite nag, Old Whitey, and traveling towards the metropolis of
+the county. Although there were many stables in the town where hay and
+oats could be had for hungry horses, he always fastened his steed to a
+tree, where the animal remained from nine o'clock in the morning until
+late in the afternoon, with nothing to satisfy his natural craving for
+food. Thus did the lawyer not only save the expense of provender, but
+also of whip and spur, for Whitey was always in a hurry to get home and
+enjoy the luxury of the abundant pastures on the farm. The tree which
+was thus used as a stable withered and died many years ago, having been
+entirely stripped of its bark by the teeth of the hungry horse. Being an
+object of great curiosity, it was cut down and manufactured into canes,
+which were in great demand and sold at extravagant prices.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> One of these
+walking-sticks was purchased by a gentleman from Louisiana, who carried
+it home and presented it to General Taylor; at the same time giving him
+a history of the lawyer and his horse. The old hero, who admired
+simplicity of character, was much struck with the story, and named his
+favorite war-horse Old Whitey. And thus did it happen that the gallant
+charger which carried Old Rough and Ready through the glorious battle of
+Buena Vista, had the honor of being named after the horse which had so
+often carried this distinguished lawyer with all his learning to court."</p>
+
+<p>"Is that all?" said the Professor, as Toney laid aside the manuscript.</p>
+
+<p>"That ends the chapter," said Toney. "And it was more than enough for
+Tom Seddon, for he has been asleep for the last fifteen minutes."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "has probably glided into a condition
+of trance, and now has before him a beautiful vision of a bowl of
+strawberries and cream. It would not be in accordance with the
+principles of genuine philanthropy to awaken him to the unsavory
+realities of ordinary existence. Shall we leave him to wander in the
+land of Nod, and take a walk through the town?"</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed," said Toney. And, putting on their hats, they left Tom Seddon
+snoring on Toney's bed, and proceeded on a promenade.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"That man on the other side of the street looks like one of the
+belligerent doctors," said the Professor, as he and Toney stood on the
+pavement in front of the hotel.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Doctor Bull, minus his spectacles, and with the addition of a
+very black eye," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"His vision seems not to be very clear! There! he has stumbled over a
+dog, and is indignantly bestowing on the unlucky cur a couple of kicks,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Bull is very near-sighted," said Toney. "He will get along badly
+without the aid of his spectacles."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p><p>"I wonder how he got out of jail?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Colonel Hazlewood bailed him out," said the landlord. "The colonel
+needs his services in attendance on his niece, Miss Carrington, who is
+still in a critical condition."</p>
+
+<p>"Did the colonel also bail out the other physician?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"No, indeed!" said the landlord. "The colonel said he was afraid to let
+the other fellow out while the young lady was ill. The two doctors might
+get to fighting again, and their patient might die while they were
+settling their difficulties."</p>
+
+<p>"I perceive that the colonel is an apt scholar in the school of
+experience," said the Professor. "It is not advisable to allow more than
+one doctor to run at large at a time in a small town like this."</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad that Bull is out," said the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Why so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He has a patient in my house. The gentleman is quite sick. He is in the
+room next to the one occupied by you, Mr. Belton. I hope you have not
+been disturbed."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said Toney. "He has been very quiet. I was not aware that
+there was a sick person in the apartment. Come, Charley, let us walk to
+the post-office."</p>
+
+<p>A letter was handed to Toney at the post-office, which he read, and then
+exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Charley, my holiday is over. I must go back to Mapleton by the next train."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed!" said the Professor. "What urgent business renders your
+presence necessary in Mapleton?"</p>
+
+<p>"The great case of Simon Rump <i>vs.</i> the Salt-Water Canal Company is to
+be argued next week. I am counsel for the company, and my distinguished
+friend M. T. Pate is Rump's attorney. It is a claim for damages. The
+company are about to construct a portion of their canal through Rump's
+real estate, and a jury are to assemble on the ground and assess the
+damages which should be paid to Simon Rump."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is Simon Rump?"</p>
+
+<p>"You have heard Tom Seddon and myself speak of Simon Dobbs?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span></p><p>"The unfortunate individual who was baffled by the Mystic Order of
+Sweethearts in his efforts to obtain an angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Toney. "Well, Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump."</p>
+
+<p>"Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump? I don't comprehend."</p>
+
+<p>"It is so. Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump, and in his domicile dwell an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs."</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad that the poor fellow has at last obtained the companionship
+of angelic beings after so much tribulation. But how did it happen that
+his name was changed? Had the angel changed her name, when she came to
+dwell with Dobbs, it would have been more in accordance with established usage."</p>
+
+<p>"The angel would not consent to change her name. I might as well tell
+the story at once, for I see that your curiosity is aroused."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed it is," said the Professor. "I am as curious as a maiden lady
+who has accompanied this terrestrial orb in fifty annual revolutions
+around the center of the solar system. How did Dobbs become Rump?"</p>
+
+<p>"After the poor fellow met with so serious a mishap, when he wanted to
+purchase a wife and a couple of children, he lived in melancholy
+seclusion during several years. He has a fine farm in the neighborhood
+of Mapleton. On the east side of his farm, and nearer to the town, is
+the estate of the Widow Wild, and on the west was the land of Farmer
+Rump who was also named Simon. Rump had fine possessions, and a buxom
+wife, and seven children, and was prosperous and contented. But he was
+taken sick, and a doctor being sent for, in about a week Simon Dobbs
+followed the hearse of his friend and neighbor Simon Rump to the
+cemetery. The widow wept and the seven children were in deep affliction.
+Dobbs had a soft heart, and went frequently to the house to console the
+widow and orphans. The widow was buxom and blooming and the children
+were chubby. An idea entered the head of Dobbs. Here were an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs. Could he not persuade them to come and dwell
+in his domicile? In the solitude of his home he again had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> visions of
+future felicity. In due time he presented the question of annexation for
+the consideration of the widow. It was decided in the negative. She said
+that she had been the wife of Simon Rump, and when she planted a rose on
+the grave of that good man she had solemnly vowed that she would never
+be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. Dobbs went home and had a fit of
+the blues. He thought of his first love and of his subsequent
+misfortunes. He thought of Susan and the Seven Sweethearts. He thought
+of the dreadful beating he had received when he wanted to buy a wife and
+a couple of children. He thought of the refusal of the Widow Rump, and
+he was in despair. His home would never be the abode of an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor fellow!" said the Professor. "His was, indeed, a sad fate! Excuse
+me, Toney, if I apply my handkerchief. A tear will ooze from the corner of my eye."</p>
+
+<p>"There is no need for your handkerchief. Dobbs's prospects now began to
+brighten. Fortune smiled on him at last."</p>
+
+<p>"The cruel jade!" said the Professor. "She sometimes becomes ashamed of
+her barbarity and makes amends. I trust it was so in the case of poor Dobbs."</p>
+
+<p>"It was," said Toney. "A few days after the rejection of his suit by the
+widow, a splendid opportunity, which presented itself, for an amazing
+display of his gallantry, enabled him to win her heart. On a bright
+morning in July there was an unusually large congregation assembled in
+groups in front of the village church, which stands in a grove of fine
+old trees, affording a delightful shade. While the people were thus
+awaiting the arrival of their pastor, the widow rode up, accompanied by
+her eldest son, a boy of twelve years of age. The lad dismounted and led
+the widow's steed to a big chestnut stump, then used as a horseblock.
+She attempted to dismount, but just at that moment the horse suddenly
+started to one side, and she was caught on the pommel, and there hung
+suspended, like Mohammed's coffin, between heaven and earth. The gawky
+boy exclaimed, 'Great golly!' and stood holding the horse. The ladies
+shrieked and put down their veils, and the gentlemen, instead of going
+to the rescue, turned away<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> as if seized with a sudden panic. In this
+emergency the remarkable presence of mind of Simon Dobbs was wonderfully
+demonstrated. Hearing the cries of the distressed lady, he coolly put
+his hand in his pocket and drew forth a large knife, which he was
+accustomed to use in his orchard for pruning purposes; then turning his
+back and opening the blade, he advanced backward until his shoulders
+almost touched her as she hung in a state of awful suspense; when with a
+skillful movement of the knife he cut off the end of the dress which
+clung to the pommel, and the lady fell unharmed to the ground. A shout
+of applause rewarded this noble achievement; and from that day the heart
+of the buxom widow was the property of Simon Dobbs."</p>
+
+<p>"So it should have been," said the Professor. "In books of chivalry and
+romance a valorous knight, who rescues a fair one in distress, is always
+rewarded by the possession of that important organ."</p>
+
+<p>"The pastor did not come," said Toney. "The reverend gentleman was sick;
+but the congregation found an efficient substitute in M. T. Pate, who
+mounted the pulpit and read the usual prayers, and then selected the
+ninth chapter of Genesis. When in his loud and solemn tones Pate read
+the twenty-third verse, every eye in the congregation was directed first
+towards the widow and then towards Simon Dobbs. The widow went home and
+read the chapter over and was deeply impressed. She was convinced that
+Simon Dobbs was a good man, and could be compared to the favorite sons
+of the patriarch. She knew that he would make a devoted husband. When
+Dobbs called on the following day to inquire after her health, she
+blushed until her face was as ruddy as the morning, and Dobbs saw in her
+blushes the beams of an Aurora which was the harbinger of his happiness."</p>
+
+<p>"Too poetical, Toney," said the Professor. "But proceed. What did Dobbs do?"</p>
+
+<p>"He drew his chair close up to the widow; and this time as he approached
+her he did not turn his back."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what did he do?"</p>
+
+<p>"He took hold of her hand."</p>
+
+<p>"Well."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p><p>"He squeezed it."</p>
+
+<p>"Good!"</p>
+
+<p>"He advanced his mouth in close proximity to her lips."</p>
+
+<p>"Excellent!"</p>
+
+<p>"He kissed her."</p>
+
+<p>"And then?"</p>
+
+<p>"One of the little cherubs ran into the room, and bawling out, 'You stop
+biting my mamma!' struck Dobbs with a stick."</p>
+
+<p>"Horrible!"</p>
+
+<p>"Dobbs saw a servant-maid's grinning face at the door. He snatched up
+his hat and rushed from the house. The widow seized the little cherub,
+and laid him over her lap and spanked him."</p>
+
+<p>"What became of Dobbs?"</p>
+
+<p>"He returned next evening. The cherubs were all put to bed. He again
+presented the question of annexation for the consideration of the widow.
+This time it was debated on both sides. The widow told him that she had
+solemnly vowed never to be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. She could
+not break her vow. Dobbs then proposed to change his name to Rump. This
+proposition was satisfactory. M. T. Pate filed a bill in chancery for
+Dobbs, and a decree was passed changing his name to Rump; and Simon
+Dobbs is now Simon Rump; and an angel dwells with him, and seven sweet
+little cherubs run about his domicile with their bare feet."</p>
+
+<p>"Cherubs are always barefooted," said the Professor. "They are painted
+so on canvas. It couldn't be otherwise."</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Because no shoemaker ever entered the kingdom of heaven."</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot see why the disciples of St. Crispin should be excluded," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They never tell the truth, and liars&mdash;you know the text. Did you ever
+see the picture of an angel with a pair of shoes on his feet?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p><p>"They have no shoemakers among them," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>They had now reached the hotel, and, after Toney had directed Hannibal
+and C&aelig;sar to come for his trunks, were approaching his room, when they
+heard a loud noise, and Tom Seddon's voice furiously shouting "Villain!"
+This was followed by the sound of some heavy body falling on the floor.
+Toney and the Professor rushed into the room. In the middle of the floor
+stood Tom Seddon with his clothes covered with blood. A crimson stream
+spouted from his person and sprinkled the floor. In a corner of the room
+lay Dr. Bull, having just been knocked down by a blow from Seddon's
+fist. On the bed was a basin turned upside down. With the ferocity of a
+tiger Tom was about to spring at Bull again when Toney caught him and held him back.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me at him!" shouted Tom, savagely. "He has had my blood and I want his!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you not Jones?" groaned Bull, in the corner.</p>
+
+<p>"Jones! who is Jones? You bloody old villain!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" said Bull, "I fear I have made a mistake! I have bled
+the wrong man!"</p>
+
+<p>Toney roared with laughter, and the Professor fell on the bed and
+emitted violent explosions of mirth.</p>
+
+<p>Bull, who had been deprived of his spectacles in his desperate encounter
+with Bear, was nearly blind, and going into the wrong room had
+approached the bed. Tom was snoring. Bull felt his pulse. "Symptoms of
+apoplexy!" exclaimed Bull. "A decided change for the worse! He must be
+immediately depleted or the attack may be fatal!" Bull got a basin,
+rolled up Tom's sleeve, took out a lancet and sprung it. The blood
+spirted, and Tom jumped up and knocked Bull down.</p>
+
+<p>All this was explained after Tom's arm had been bound up by the
+Professor; Bull being too much disabled by the blow and his fall to
+render any assistance.</p>
+
+<p>"The doctor has amply apologized," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove! does such an outrage admit of an apology?" said Tom, looking
+at Bull with savage ferocity.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span></p><p>"My dear sir, it was a mistake! I thought it was Jones!" said the
+doctor, making for the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, doctor!" said Toney. "You have let the bad blood out of him,
+and he will soon be in a better disposition."</p>
+
+<p>Bull hastily departed with both eyes in a damaged condition.</p>
+
+<p>"He has had my blood and I would like to have his," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon, you should cultivate a more benign disposition," said the
+Professor. "Bull practiced phlebotomy on you with the best intentions."</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Tom, I must leave you," said Toney, as C&aelig;sar and Hannibal
+entered the room to carry his trunks to the railway.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Must go," said Toney. "I have to prepare for the great case of Simon
+Rump vs. The Salt-Water Canal Company. I leave Charley with you, who
+will attend to your wound, and when it has healed you and he come to
+Mapleton and hear the argument of my distinguished adversary M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>Both promised to do so; and shaking hands with his two friends, Toney
+went out and closed the door, but immediately opened it again and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Tom, when you take another siesta, remember to bolt the door and keep
+Bull out. Good-by!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Simon, my love," said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her affectionate spouse
+a cup of coffee at breakfast, "what lawyer have you got to speak to the
+jury in our great case against the Canal Company?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, my angel," said Simon, "I have got Mr. Pate, the great lawyer in Mapleton."</p>
+
+<p>"Is Mr. Pate the bald-headed man who sometimes reads the prayers in
+church?" asked the angel.</p>
+
+<p>"He is the man," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"He must be a very good man," said the mother of the seven sweet little cherubs.</p>
+
+<p>"He is," said the lord of the mansion; "and he is also a very learned
+man. He has more than a dozen books in his office as big as the Bible,
+and he reads in them every day."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, my!" said Simon's angel. "No wonder he is bald! Reads all those big
+books! What a heap he must know!"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, he does," said Simon. "And he has promised to make a great
+speech against the Canal Company, and get us a power of damages."</p>
+
+<p>"How much?" inquired the angel.</p>
+
+<p>"Thirty thousand dollars&mdash;not a cent less."</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious goodness! thirty thousand dollars! We will be as rich as the
+Widow Wild almost! Indeed, my love, you must buy a nice new carriage. I
+don't like to ride to church on horseback and see the Widow Wild coming
+in her carriage."</p>
+
+<p>"And I want a hobby-horse," said one of the male cherubs.</p>
+
+<p>"And I want a nice new doll," said a female cherub.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush, you noisy brats!" said the angel. And she slapped the male cherub
+on the side of the face, and in the operation overturned her cup, and
+spilt the hot coffee on the female cherub's head. The two cherubs tried
+the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> strength of their lungs; and Simon Rump arose from the table, and,
+putting on his hat, opened the door to go forth and talk with his lawyer
+about the big case.</p>
+
+<p>The angel followed Simon to the porch and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Thirty thousand dollars! Oh, my! But how much are you to pay Mr. Pate?"</p>
+
+<p>"One-tenth," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"How much is that?" asked the mother of the cherubs.</p>
+
+<p>"Three thousand dollars," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"Three thousand dollars! Gracious! That is a heap of money to pay a
+lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour."</p>
+
+<p>"But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It would take me ten
+years to read all those books; and then I would not understand what is
+in them," said Simon, scratching his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Three thousand dollars! How much will we have left?"</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty-seven thousand dollars," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty-seven thousand dollars! That is a heap of money! I must have a
+brand-new carriage with eagles painted on its sides. I don't like to
+ride to church on horseback."</p>
+
+<p>"Before we were married I used to like to see you coming to church on
+horseback," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss on Simon, who went
+from his gate merrily whistling, as any man might who had an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon
+to get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corporation.</p>
+
+<p>Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to Mapleton in
+preparation for the proper presentation of his case to the jury. His
+distinguished adversary had composed a great speech to be delivered on
+the occasion. Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and
+prejudices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the thirty
+thousand dollars which he had confidently promised to his client Simon Rump.</p>
+
+<p>On the morning of the day on which the jury were to assemble on the
+ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor arrived in the cars from Bella
+Vista. The jury were<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of
+the sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dismounting, tied
+his steed to a tree, which the animal immediately commenced divesting of its bark.</p>
+
+<p>The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, and having
+carefully examined that portion of it through which the canal was to be
+constructed, seated themselves on two benches, which had been prepared
+for their accommodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. Simon
+Rump's counsel was then informed that the jury were ready to hear his argument.</p>
+
+<p>"Pate is going to make a great speech," said Tom Seddon, as Pate drew
+from his pocket a number of papers and laid them on a stump which he
+used as a table. "With that black coat and white cravat he looks very
+much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pilgrim's Progress."</p>
+
+<p>"John Banyan was an eloquent man," said the Professor. "And from the
+very profound and extremely solemn look of the advocate now preparing to
+address the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest order.
+Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, for or some burst of pathos
+may find you wholly unprepared for the flood of tears which you will be
+compelled to shed over the wrongs of Simon Rump."</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Tom Seddon, "Pate is wiping the top of his big bald head
+with his handkerchief. He is about to begin."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "must I continually admonish you to
+speak reverently of bald heads? Remember the she-bears!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Tom,&mdash;"listen!"</p>
+
+<p>M. T. Pate spoke as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury,&mdash;No more important case than this ever came
+before a jury either of ancient or modern times. An outrage unparalleled
+in the whole history of Christian jurisprudence is about to be
+perpetrated upon my law-abiding, inoffensive, and patriotic client,
+Simon Rump. And by whom? By a powerful, an overgrown, a gigantic
+corporation! And, gentlemen, what is a corporation? It is defined by the
+great Judge Marshall to<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> be 'an artificial being, invisible, intangible,
+and existing only in contemplation of law.' In addition to this, I
+assert, that these corporations have neither souls to be saved nor
+bodies to be damned. Gentlemen, we read of no such thing in the Bible as
+a corporation. I have carefully searched the five books of Moses, from
+Genesis to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that God's chosen patriarchs,
+Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever chartered a single corporation.
+Neither do we find that such monopolies were ever tolerated by David or
+Solomon, or any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge my
+learned brother on the other side to produce from the whole of the New
+Testament one single text in favor of corporations. Have I not, then, a
+right to assert that these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by
+the Christian religion, but are of heathen invention?</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is the plaintiff in
+this cause? Is there an individual now within the sound of my voice who
+has not known and loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood?
+Simon now lives upon the very spot where he was born, and where the
+bones of his ancestors are buried. Few men can boast of so glorious a
+lineage. His forefathers fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and
+the British; and had Simon lived in those days, he would have fought as
+valiantly as they did; for he is a worthy descendant of illustrious sires.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed them now. A few
+weeks ago a worthy farmer of your county, upon a bright, warm summer's
+day, was seated by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and
+innocent little ones playing around him. There he sat with his head
+proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal man could take from him one
+foot of that sacred soil without his own free consent. But what it was
+out of the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done by a
+soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump then, and
+imagine the feelings of Simon Rump now. Imagine the feelings of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's
+venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> Rump's innocent
+little ones then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
+little ones now.</p>
+
+<p>"But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, nor is Mrs. Rump the
+only woman, nor are the innocent little Rumps the only children who will
+be made to suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A whole
+community will be divided in twain. Permit this canal to be dug, and
+will not your county be virtually divided as if into two separate
+kingdoms? It is to be forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one
+word is said about bridges over it. What will be the consequences? Will
+there not be a separation of friends and relatives; and what money can
+compensate for that?</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump; in behalf of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife; in behalf of Simon Rump's innocent little ones;
+in behalf of Simon Rump's friends and Simon Rump's neighbors; and in
+behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal to you by your
+love of right and your abhorrence of wrong, and by your devotion to your
+country, and your pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless,
+tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous verdict as will ever
+hereafter operate as a shield to the weak and a warning to the proud."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think of that?" said Tom Seddon to the Professor when Pate
+had concluded.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antediluvian and never hear
+such a speech again," said the Professor, with impressive solemnity.</p>
+
+<p>"Toney will find it difficult to make a reply," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he
+has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due
+deliberation."</p>
+
+<p>"What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now rises before the jury!"
+said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech,
+he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."</p>
+
+<p>Toney Belton now spoke as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury,&mdash;While listening with the most profound
+attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by
+my learned and <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span>eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time,
+the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable
+assemblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of
+the First Book of Kings,&mdash;'And there came of all people to hear the
+wisdom of Solomon.'</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments
+advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon
+Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for
+the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in
+disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.</p>
+
+<p>"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must
+notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful
+effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.</p>
+
+<p>"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two
+separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impassable gulf
+had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the
+inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As he alluded to
+the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the
+description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to
+the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.</p>
+
+<p>"Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet
+deep! On either side are assembled groups of men, women, and children;
+for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears
+are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the
+air. On the east side of the canal is the fond father, and on the west
+his favorite son. On the east side of the canal is the anxious mother,
+and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the canal is
+the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'
+There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened
+above, and the water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of
+separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again
+beneath the skies!</p>
+
+<p>"Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches forth the right
+hand to take a last embrace of a parent,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> child, brother, sister,
+mistress, or lover! But even this small consolation is denied; for,
+behold, the water is already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep!
+Then there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations; and tears gush
+forth, falling like a summer's shower into the dividing waters. There is
+cast from each face one last, long, agonizing look; and those
+broken-hearted friends and relatives depart to their respective homes,
+to meet no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more on earth.</p>
+
+<p>"But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It comes from the Rumps!</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div class="i8">Oh, mercy dispel</div>
+<div>Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell!</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side of the canal!</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me that I can proceed no
+further, and must therefore submit the rights of my heathen client
+solely to your Christian mercy."</p>
+
+<p>The effect produced by Tony Belton's speech was extraordinary. Shouts of
+laughter burst from the spectators and the jury. Indeed, some of the
+latter were so overcome with merriment that they rolled from their
+benches upon the grass; the tears streaming from their eyes, and their
+whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Mr. Pate?" cried Simon Rump, when the tumult had, in some
+degree, subsided. "Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! Where is Mr. Pate?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder he goes!" said a boy. "Great golly! ain't he riding!"</p>
+
+<p>"Go fetch him back! Go fetch him back!" cried Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"It would take Flying Childers to catch that old white horse!" said one
+of Rump's neighbors. "Your lawyer has gone, and you will now have to
+make a speech yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"My lawyer has run away! I am ruined! I am ruined!" exclaimed Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"Mount my horse, and ride after your attorney," said<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> the sheriff, his
+sides shaking with laughter. "Make haste, Mr. Rump! The jury are waiting
+to hear his argument in reply to Mr. Belton."</p>
+
+<p>Simon Rump shook his head in despair. Rendered frantic by the ridicule
+of his merciless adversary, his attorney had rushed wildly from the
+scene of his discomfiture, mounted his horse, and galloped away, and
+poor Rump was left <i>inops consilii</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Rump," said the sheriff, "the jury have requested me to inform you
+that they are ready to hear anything which you have to say. You are
+entitled to the closing argument."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't make a speech," said Rump; "and my lawyer has run away."</p>
+
+<p>"Then the case is submitted for the decision of the jury without further
+argument," said the sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>Rump mournfully nodded his head in acquiescence. Whereupon the twelve
+peers arose from their seats, and walked aside in consultation. They
+soon returned, and rendered a verdict for the defendant. Rump had to pay
+the costs, which amounted to one hundred dollars. He pulled out his
+pocket-book, and handed ninety dollars to the sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"Ten dollars more," said the sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate will pay the other ten dollars," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" asked the sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"He was to get one-tenth of the money recovered," said Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+
+<p>"As we have lost the case, he should pay one-tenth of the costs."</p>
+
+<p>"That is strictly in accordance with the principles of law applicable to
+copartnerships,&mdash;is it not, Mr. Seddon?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly," said Tom; "profits and losses must be in proportion to the
+interest which each partner has in the firm."</p>
+
+<p>The sheriff thought otherwise, and Rump reluctantly paid the whole
+amount; saying that he would sue M. T. Pate for the ten dollars paid on
+his account. A few days afterwards he actually brought suit before
+Justice <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>Johnson, who rendered a judgment against M. T. Pate for ten
+dollars and costs.</p>
+
+<p>Simon Rump went home a melancholy man. As he entered his door he was met
+by the mother of the cherubs, who threw her arms around his neck and
+embraced him with connubial fondness.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Simon, my love, I am so glad you have come back! There is a
+brand-new carriage in Mapleton now offered for sale. It will just suit
+us. Have they paid all the money? How much have you got?"</p>
+
+<p>Simon Rump was silent.</p>
+
+<p>"How much money have you brought home with you?" asked Simon's angel.</p>
+
+<p>"Not one cent," said Simon, sadly. "I went away this morning with one
+hundred dollars in my pocket-book, and now it is empty. I had to pay
+some money for Mr. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"But Mr. Pate will pay it back to you out of the three thousand
+dollars," said the angel.</p>
+
+<p>"No he won't," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes he will," said the angel. "Mr. Pate is a good man. He reads the
+prayers in church."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll sue him," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll sue M. T. Pate for ten dollars," said Simon, savagely.</p>
+
+<p>"Sue your own lawyer?" exclaimed the mother of the cherubs. "Your own
+lawyer, who has made a great speech, and gained our case?"</p>
+
+<p>"He didn't gain our case,&mdash;he lost it."</p>
+
+<p>"Lost our case?" screamed the angel. "Simon Rump, you don't mean to say
+that Pate lost our case?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's just what happened," said Simon Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"Did he make a speech?"</p>
+
+<p>"He made a speech, and then he ran away."</p>
+
+<p>"What made him run away?"</p>
+
+<p>"He got scared," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"What did he say in his speech?"</p>
+
+<p>"He talked to the jury about you, and me, and the children."</p>
+
+<p>"What did Pate say about me?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p><p>"He called you venerable."</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"He called you Simon Rump's venerable wife."</p>
+
+<p>"Me? Me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you," said Simon. "He called you venerable several times."</p>
+
+<p>"Several times?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, four or five times."</p>
+
+<p>"Said so to the jury?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"What did you do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Simon Rump, you are a brute!" said the angel.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my duck," said Simon, "I could not&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't call me your duck! Duck, indeed! Simon Rump, you are a brute! You
+have no feeling. What! stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call
+me venerable! Well, I'll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. Venerable!
+venerable!" And the mother of the cherubs rushed from the room in a
+state of unangelic excitement, while Simon Rump seated himself in his
+big arm-chair and looked doleful and desolate.</p>
+
+<p>On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his porch, brooding over
+the humiliation of his defeat, a sable son of Africa rode up and handed
+him a letter. He opened it and read as follows:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>"Mr. M. T. <span class="smcap">Pate</span>,&mdash;Simon has told me that in your speech to the jury
+you several times called me venerable. No wonder you lost our case!
+for after such a whopper about me it was not likely that a single
+man on the jury would believe one word you might say. How dare you
+call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so venerable as you
+yourself, with your big head almost bare of hair outside and
+altogether bare of brains inside.</p>
+
+<p>"You ran away because you were afraid to look twelve honest men in
+the face after what you had said about me. You may have better luck
+when you have learned to tell the truth. No more at present.</p>
+
+<p class="right">"<span class="smcap">Abigail Rump</span>."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This letter, though mortifying at the time, was <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>afterwards of essential
+service to M. T. Pate. He perceived that adjectives suggestive of
+personal qualities were often, like edged tools, to be used with extreme
+caution, especially in their application to the female sex; and that the
+equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little cherubs might be
+seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use of the word venerable.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech," said the Professor to Toney and
+Tom, the day after the trial; "such a speech as has been seldom listened
+to by any audience,&mdash;a speech that was unanswerable by argument."</p>
+
+<p>"And Toney knew it," said Tom, "and did not attempt to answer it by argument."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney," said the Professor, "was like a wild Indian, dodging around and
+aiming his arrows at Pate, who had come on the ground with a heavy piece of artillery."</p>
+
+<p>"Why do you compare me to a savage?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Because you use merciless weapons," said the Professor. "Civilized men
+do not employ the scalping-knife and tomahawk."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor did I," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Figuratively and metaphorically speaking, you did," said the Professor.
+"You brought into the field of forensic controversy a most barbarous and cruel weapon."</p>
+
+<p>"What was that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Ridicule," said the Professor. "It may be termed the oratorical
+scalping-knife. Why, sir, Demosthenes, with all his thunder, would have
+been powerless against it. Now, M. T. Pate, though not equal to the
+great Athenian, is an eloquent man. He drew tears from Mr. Seddon, who
+wept profusely over the wrongs of Simon Rump, and his venerable wife,
+and innocent little ones. But of what avail is the most touching pathos
+and sublime eloquence when met by ridicule? Do you not <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>recollect what
+the poet and philosopher Pope says on this subject?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do not," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Let an ambassador," says he, "speak the best sense in the world and
+deport himself in the most graceful manner before a prince, yet if the
+tail of his shirt happen (as I have known it to happen to a very wise
+man) to hang out behind, more people will laugh at that than attend to the other."</p>
+
+<p>"That is as true as a text from Holy Writ," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a truth, Mr. Seddon, by no means creditable to the good sense of
+mankind, as we have seen in the case of the learned, eloquent, but
+unlucky M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Pate's unfortunate allusion to
+the prospective division of families, resulting from the construction of
+the canal, afforded an opportunity for ridicule, and the great beauty
+and eloquence of his speech were lost sight of the very moment the
+audience beheld Tony Belton's finger pointing to the visible protrusion
+of his nether garment."</p>
+
+<p>"Pate rode away at a terrific speed," said Seddon. "I have not heard of
+him since. If he has unfortunately broken his neck, Toney Belton will be
+answerable for the awful catastrophe."</p>
+
+<p>"No responsibility can possibly attach to me," said Toney. "You are
+entirely mistaken in reference to the cause of his abrupt departure. Mr.
+Pate had promised to make a speech in behalf of Simon Rump. He did make
+a speech, and then, looking at his watch, he hurried away; for he had
+more important business on hand than any which lawyers have to transact.
+He was to preside at a committee. The hour for its meeting had nearly
+arrived, and hence he was compelled to make a liberal use of whip and spur."</p>
+
+<p>"A committee!" exclaimed Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"What committee?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"A committee composed of several of the most distinguished members of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is its object?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span></p><p>"A tournament," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A what?" exclaimed Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"A tournament," said Toney. "To M. T. Pate belongs the distinguished
+honor of being the originator of a tournament in this age and country."</p>
+
+<p>"How did such an extraordinary idea ever enter his head?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Great men," said Toney, "are often led to important discoveries by
+certain phenomena, which, to ordinary minds, are devoid of significance.
+Suppose you, Tom Seddon, had been sitting under an apple-tree, instead
+of Newton, and an apple had fallen and hit you on the head; what would
+you have done?"</p>
+
+<p>"Scratched my cocoanut," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"In the situation supposed," said the Professor, "it is highly probable
+that Mr. Seddon would first have vigorously titillated the top of his
+head, and then picked up the pippin and devoured it."</p>
+
+<p>"It was not so with the great Newton," said Toney. "The sudden shock
+which his cranium received awakened an idea, and that idea expanded into
+a magnificent system of philosophy. And so it was with M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"Did Pate sit under an apple-tree?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Toney; "it was a cherry-tree. He was seated on the greensward
+under its shade, when his attention was attracted to the curious pranks
+of a couple of urchins. They had paper caps on their heads with the
+tail-feathers of a rooster stuck in their crowns. Pate heard one of the
+little fellows say, 'I'll be Bonaparte,' and his companion immediately
+rejoined that he was Wellington. The illustrious Napoleon was armed with
+a bean-pole, and the Iron Duke held in his hand the fragment of a
+fishing-rod. After marching and countermarching, and performing many
+difficult evolutions, the martial enthusiasm of Napoleon finally rose to
+such a pitch that he could no longer restrain himself. As impetuously as
+when he was leading his valiant legions over the bridge of Lodi, he
+charged upon Wellington, and, before the latter could parry the thrust,
+inserted the end of the bean-pole in his mouth, to the no small damage
+of his ivory. The hero of Waterloo having his mouth thus<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> unexpectedly
+opened, gave utterance to a cry which was, by no means, so warlike as
+might have been anticipated. It had the effect to bring a certain
+belligerent dame to the door, who had thus got an intimation that
+hostilities had actually commenced between Bonaparte and Wellington. She
+sallied forth, and seizing upon the illustrious Napoleon, she laid him
+over her lap, and gave him what, in the technical phraseology of the
+nursery, is termed a good spanking. Poor Bonaparte bellowed lustily
+under the operation, and as soon as he had escaped from the hands of his
+ruthless captor, went and sat on the sill of the door and sobbed
+sorrowfully over his disgrace. All his martial enthusiasm had been
+suddenly quenched. 'No sound could awake him to glory again,' and for
+the space of one whole hour he indignantly refused to eat even gingerbread."</p>
+
+<p>"I can sympathize with poor Bonaparte," said the Professor, "for I was
+once the unhappy victim of a similar misfortune in days gone by, when I
+was not much taller than a gooseberry-bush. I had been diligently
+perusing that good old book, the Pilgrim's Progress, and under the
+delusion that I was the valiant Great-heart, I assaulted an urchin who
+was supposed to be Giant Despair. I overcame the giant, and was
+imprisoned in the pantry, and afterwards tried, and convicted, and
+sentenced to undergo the cruel ordeal of a tough twig for a forcible
+entry into sundry jars of jelly. But what impression did the fall of
+Napoleon make upon the mind of M. T. Pate?"</p>
+
+<p>"While meditating upon this event, an idea entered his head, which
+ultimately led to an important discovery. His wonderful sagacity enabled
+him to perceive that if a little boy could be Bonaparte, a little man
+might impersonate any hero of whom history makes mention."</p>
+
+<p>"Even Jack the Giant-killer," suggested Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"If," said Toney, "the unlucky urchin, who had been spanked by his
+indignant mamma, could arm himself with a bean-pole, and assault Lord
+Wellington with such vigor and impetuosity, could not a number of
+delicate and dainty youths be mounted on diminutive horses, and
+represent Richard the Lion-hearted, or Ivanhoe, or any<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> of the
+mail-covered barons whose valorous deeds are immortalized in the pages
+of Froissart or of Walter Scott?"</p>
+
+<p>"Is it meant that the Dainty Adorer or the Winsome Wooer could do this?"
+asked Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"So thought M. T. Pate," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What would be the effect of a moderate blow from the ponderous fist of
+one of the aforesaid barons on the head of little Love?" inquired Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Immediate work for the undertaker," answered the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Or suppose," said Tom, "that Dove was spanked by Richard, as was the
+little boy by his mother?"</p>
+
+<p>"He would be crushed like a pepper-corn pounded by a pestle in a
+mortar," remarked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And," said Seddon, "the immense load of iron and steel carried by one
+of the knights at the tournament of Ashby-de-la-Zouch, where three
+combatants were killed, one smothered in his armor, and thirty wounded,
+if put upon Bliss&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Would cause the dainty creature to think of Pelion piled upon Ossa,"
+observed the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Toney, "Pate was well acquainted with the wonder-working
+powers of the imagination, and knew that with the aid of this faculty he
+could easily induce young maidens, who were diligent students of
+romance, to believe that the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and the
+Winsome Wooer, mounted on ponies, and flourishing long poles, were
+valorous knights, armed for the performance of doughty deeds; just as
+the unsophisticated birds are made to imagine that the effigies placed
+by a farmer around his cornfield are the dangerous and destructive
+bipeds in whose images they have been cunningly fashioned."</p>
+
+<p>"You now perceive, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "in what various
+aspects the same subject will be contemplated by different minds. Mr.
+Pate is a man of an original and sublime genius, and entertains ideas
+which would never enter into either your head or mine."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Tom, "what did he do with his grand idea?"</p>
+
+<p>"Having thoroughly elaborated it," said Toney, "he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> called a meeting of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts and made known his important
+discovery. The announcement was received with acclamations of applause,
+and the projected tournament pronounced worthy of the illustrious
+founder of their noble order. A committee was appointed, composed of the
+Prince of Pretty Fellows, the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and
+the Winsome Wooer, with the Noble Grand Gander himself as chairman; and
+upon this dignified body was devolved the onerous duty of developing all
+the details of the intended tourney. Numerous meetings were held by the
+committee, and many discussions ensued. Books of chivalry and romance
+were referred to, and the Chronicles of Froissart diligently perused.
+But by far the highest authority on the subject was the novel of
+Ivanhoe, in which the most graphic and intelligible account of a
+tournament was to be found. But when Pate read to the committee Walter
+Scott's description of the passage of arms at Ashby&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I remember it well!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, enthusiastically. "How the
+knights met in the encounter,&mdash;how the lances were shivered, the
+powerful steeds thrown back on their haunches, and many combatants
+hurled from their saddles by the terrible shock,&mdash;how Richard assailed
+the gigantic Front de B[oe]uf, and struck down horse and rider at a
+single blow, and then, wresting the battle-axe from the hands of the
+bulky Athelstane, dashed him senseless to the ground! It is sublime! it is magnificent!"</p>
+
+<p>"What effect did the reading of this description by Walter Scott, which
+has so aroused the enthusiasm of Mr. Seddon, produce on the committee?"
+asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Every member of the committee turned pale," said Toney. "Bliss trembled
+and was silent; while Love loudly exclaimed that he would not take part
+in any such performance, and Dove said that indeed it was too dangerous."</p>
+
+<p>"But the ultimate result?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The panic produced by the reading of this passage from Ivanhoe was so
+great," said Toney, "that it nearly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> caused an abandonment of their
+intention to hold a tournament. The committee adjourned to meet on the
+following day for further deliberation. M. T. Pate went home and passed
+a sleepless night in profound meditation."</p>
+
+<p>"One might suppose," said the Professor, "that the activity of his mind
+would have enabled him to surmount the difficulty which had presented
+itself. Could he not recollect that in the encounter between Napoleon
+and Wellington, neither of them had used artillery or any of the deadly
+weapons employed in modern warfare? If these illustrious heroes could
+dispense with fire-arms, why could not Richard and Ivanhoe get along
+very well without their heavy defensive armor and ponderous swords and battle-axes?"</p>
+
+<p>"That was precisely the conclusion arrived at by M. T. Pate in his
+nocturnal meditations," said Toney. "He perceived that the whole danger
+of a tournament might be avoided by mounting his knights on small
+horses, with chicken-feathers in their caps, and long poles in their
+hands; when, instead of charging at each other, they could, in
+succession, charge at a mark in the shape of a ring; and he who was the
+most expert in thrusting his pole through the ring, could be proclaimed
+the victorious champion, entitled to crown the Queen of Love and Beauty."</p>
+
+<p>"It is to be hoped," said the Professor, "that this grand idea entered
+the mind of M. T. Pate cautiously and on tiptoe. If it rushed in
+unannounced, like a daring intruder, there was danger of its upsetting
+all the furniture, and disturbing him as much as was Archimedes when he
+leaped out of the bath exclaiming, 'Eureka! eureka!'"</p>
+
+<p>"Pate jumped out of bed," said Toney, "and danced over the floor,
+exclaiming, 'I have got it! I have got it!' His old housekeeper, who had
+been fast asleep in an adjoining apartment, was aroused by these loud
+cries, and thinking that there were robbers in the house, ran to the
+window and commenced shrieking, 'Help! help! help! murder! murder!
+murder!' with the whole strength of her lungs."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, here was a fuss in the family," said Seddon. "What did Pate do to
+quell this disturbance?"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p><p>"He called to her in loud and angry tones, and ordered her to cease her
+frightful outcries. But the more loudly he called, the more loudly the
+old woman bawled, and finally four or five neighbors came running to the
+house armed with axes and pitchforks. These men, hearing the cries of
+murder from the old woman, and Pate's angry voice in denunciation, under
+the impression that the latter had gone crazy and was about to commit a
+homicide, broke down the door, and, rushing in, seized him and threw him
+upon the floor, and bound him fast with the bedcords. The housekeeper,
+when she heard the men rushing into the house, was convinced that
+robbers had possession; and, in the utmost terror, the poor creature
+fled down a back stairway and out the door, and ran across a field until
+she entered a forest, where she fell down in a state of insensibility."</p>
+
+<p>"But what did the men do with their prisoner?" said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Pate being bound with cords now conducted himself like a furious
+maniac. He raved, and swore, and kicked, and foamed at the mouth, and
+endeavored to bite his captors with his teeth. But he was held down on
+the floor by two stalwart farmers, while the others consulted together;
+and the unanimous opinion was that so dangerous and murderous a lunatic
+should be immediately confined in a hospital. A horse was harnessed to a
+cart, and they put Pate, securely bound with cords, in the bottom of the
+vehicle, and while one drove, the others walked alongside, with their
+axes and pitchforks on their shoulders, and thus conveyed him to a
+lunatic asylum situated a few miles from Mapleton."</p>
+
+<p>"It is under the superintendence of Dr. Mowbray," said Seddon. "I know him well."</p>
+
+<p>"Dr. Mowbray was awakened by the farmers loudly calling at the door.
+'What do you want?' said he, putting his head out the window.</p>
+
+<p>"'We've got a crazy man here,' said Farmer Brown, 'and want to get him
+off our hands. Come down, doctor, and take him in.'</p>
+
+<p>"The doctor dressed himself and came down. 'Here he is,' said Farmer
+Jones. 'He is as mad as the moon can make a man!'</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p><p>"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' exclaimed Pate, in the bottom of the
+cart.</p>
+
+<p>"'He is talking poetry,' said Brown. 'I heard my little boy speak that at school.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My men,' said the doctor, 'whom have you got here? Why, it is Mr.
+Pate! When did he go mad?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' piteously exclaimed poor Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't you hear that, doctor?' said Jones. 'He is as crazy as an old
+cow with a wolf in her back!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Who sent him here?' asked the doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"The farmers now told their story.</p>
+
+<p>"'My men,' said the doctor, 'I fear that you have acted without
+sufficient authority. Let me talk to Mr. Pate.'</p>
+
+<p>"After a conversation with the unhappy captive, the doctor told his
+captors that they had better go home and attend to their own business;
+that Pate was not crazy, and might have every one of them prosecuted for
+a burglarious entry into his house in the night-time. When the farmers
+heard this they fled with precipitation, leaving their captive in the
+hands of the doctor, who unbound him and treated him kindly, and, after
+breakfast, loaned him a horse, on which he rode back to his home."</p>
+
+<p>"What did Pate do after he was declared sane by the doctor and released
+from captivity?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"He proceeded with his preparations for the tournament," said Toney.
+"His views in relation to tilting at a ring were unanimously approved by
+the committee; though the Noble Nonentity suggested, that as the weather
+would be very sultry, each knight should be allowed to carry an umbrella
+to protect himself from the heat of the sun. This prudent suggestion,
+intended to guard against the danger of <i>coup de soleil</i>, is still under
+consideration, and is a matter yet to be decided by the committee, to
+meet which was the cause of Pate's hurried departure on yesterday."</p>
+
+<p>"When does the tournament come off?" asked Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Next Monday," said Toney. "Tom, you must be here on that day."</p>
+
+<p>"I most certainly will," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p><p>"And I, too," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going back with Tom?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I intend to return to Bella Vista for the purpose of protecting Mr.
+Seddon from Dr. Bull, if that eminent physician should undertake to make
+any more experiments in phlebotomy," said the Professor. "But I will be
+here on the day of the tourney. Good-by, Toney."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, Charley; good-by, Tom," said Toney, shaking hands with his two
+friends, who proceeded to the cars, and took passage for Bella Vista.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXVI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Intense excitement prevailed in the community when the day for the
+tournament arrived. The governor of the State was expected to be present
+with his military staff, the adjutant-general, and other distinguished
+personages. It was anticipated that the array of beauty would be
+immense; and, for a week anterior to the eventful day, each fair maiden
+had held frequent consultations with her mirror, in order to ascertain
+whether there was a probability that she might have the high honor of
+being crowned Queen of Love and Beauty by some valorous and victorious knight.</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon and the Professor had arrived on the preceding evening from
+Bella Vista. Tom was now supremely happy, for Ida Somers had temporarily
+escaped from the supervision of her cynical uncle, and was the guest of
+the Widow Wild. The Professor told Toney that when Tom heard that Ida
+had gone to Mapleton to attend the tournament, he could hardly content
+himself to wait for the next train, but wanted to be off like a pyrite
+of iron after the magnet; and that, when on the cars, he was continually
+complaining of the sluggishness of the iron horse, which failed to go
+faster than twenty miles in an hour.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p><p>Tom escorted the beautiful Ida to the ground, who bestowed on her
+escort many a smile, and furtively glanced at his face, radiant with
+happiness, and came to the conclusion that Tom was a very handsome
+fellow; but would not for the world have permitted anybody to know that
+such was her decided opinion.</p>
+
+<p>Toney walked behind Ida and Tom, with Rosabel by his side, while the
+Professor had the Widow Wild under his protection. They were soon
+comfortably seated, and cast their eyes around to survey the scene before them.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are those military gentlemen standing in a line in front of their
+horses?" said Rosabel to Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Those are the knights," said Toney. "The big man on the right is Richard."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is Richard?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Richard the Lion-hearted," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he looks like Mr. Pate," said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"Richard and Pate are one and the same person to-day," said Toney. "M.
+T. Pate is now Richard Plantagenet, Miss Somers; and if he should prove
+victorious in the lists he may crown you Queen of Love and Beauty."</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon was silent, but he gazed at Richard with a look of savage
+ferocity, which reminded the Professor of the expression of his
+countenance just after he had been bled by Doctor Bull.</p>
+
+<p>"The knight standing next to Mr. Pate, who is he?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Ivanhoe," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Mr. Wiggins," said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"Formerly Mr. Wiggins, now the son of Cedric,&mdash;the disinherited knight,
+the valiant Ivanhoe."</p>
+
+<p>"And the little man whose head hardly reaches to his horse's mane? How
+in the world will he ever mount?" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, never fear. His esquire will help him on his horse. He is a Knight
+Templar," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is his name?" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Brian de Bois Guilbert," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Little Love," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"And the one next to him is Dove," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Formerly Dove, but now Athelstane the Saxon,"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> said Toney. "He is a
+knight of great prowess, and has royal blood in his veins."</p>
+
+<p>"And the other little man standing in front of the black horse, who is
+he?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, that is Bliss," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"No longer Bliss," said Toney, "but the accomplished and gallant Maurice de Bracy."</p>
+
+<p>"And Ned Botts and Sam Perch," said the widow, "who have they become?"</p>
+
+<p>"Those two gentlemen," said Toney, "have selected their designations
+from localities to which they are strongly attached and desire to honor
+by their valorous deeds of knighthood. Mr. Botts, who formerly resided
+in a village where each householder was required by an immemorial custom
+to keep at least six of the canine species, whose barking and howling at
+night were supposed to be good for persons afflicted with typhoid fever,
+calls himself the Knight of Cunopolis."</p>
+
+<p>"Cunopolis!" said Ida. "Oh, what a pretty name!"</p>
+
+<p>"It is composed of two Greek words," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the signification?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Dog Town," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Dog Town! Oh, horrid!" said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Botts is the Knight of Cunopolis, or Dog Town," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And Perch?" asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"The father of that young man," said Toney, "had heard that N. P.
+Willis, while residing in Wyoming Valley, had named his place Glenmary
+in compliment to his wife, and in honor of his own wife has named his
+place Glenbetsy. So Perch is the valorous Knight of Glenbetsy."</p>
+
+<p>"Glenmary is a very beautiful name," said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"And so is Glenbetsy," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Tastes may differ," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton," said the widow, "what is Barney Bates doing there&mdash;holding
+that horse?"</p>
+
+<p>"He is esquire to Richard Plantagenet," said Toney. "Each one of those
+boys is esquire to a gallant knight, and holds his horse until the
+champion is ready to mount."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></p><p>"Barney is a bad boy," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, he is a bad boy!" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"The only harm I ever knew Barney to do," said Toney, "was to turn a
+tavern-keeper's sign upside down, and when Boniface came out in the
+morning, he beheld an Irishman standing on his head before the door
+trying to read the letters which were inverted."</p>
+
+<p>"He tied bells to my horse's tail," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"He did worse than that," said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"What was it?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said Rosabel, "some pious people were engaged in holding a
+prayer-meeting, and he tied a bundle of firecrackers behind an unlucky
+cur and applied a torch."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I recollect!" said Toney, laughing. "The demented dog ran into the
+midst of the meeting, carrying terror and confusion wherever he went.
+The worthy minister said that he saw the hand of Satan in this trick;
+and ever since that time Barney has been supposed, by good people, to
+act by the instigation of that great designer of mischief."</p>
+
+<p>"That boy will play some trick on those knights," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, mother," said Rosabel, "how can he? They have him right before their eyes."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," said the widow. "Mark what I say. Barney will play some
+trick on the knights."</p>
+
+<p>"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, splendid!" cried Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is he?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"The governor of the State," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What a noble horse he is riding!" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"And what a beautiful uniform he has on!" said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is the fat man riding on his right?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"The adjutant-general," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And these other gentlemen?" asked Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"His military staff," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>The governor and his staff, in gorgeous uniforms and magnificently
+mounted, rode over the ground, and halting in front of the knights, who
+were standing in a line, each by the side of his steed, his Excellency
+addressed<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> them in a brief but eloquent and impressive speech. He told
+them that this was a great occasion, and that the eyes of fair women and
+brave men were fixed upon them; and urged them to comport themselves as
+chivalrous and valiant knights. His Excellency, amidst loud applause,
+then retired to the extremity of the lists, where he gracefully sat on
+his horse, a few paces in advance of his staff, with the
+adjutant-general on his right.</p>
+
+<p>The valiant champions now proceeded to mount. It devolved on Richard to
+make the first tilt at the ring. The Marshal blew a trumpet, and
+exclaimed, in a loud voice, "<i>Preux chevaliers! faites vous devoirs!</i>"
+Richard leveled his pole and was about to make an impetuous charge at
+the ring, when Old Whitey began to kick up behind, and becoming
+unmanageable, ran off in the direction of the governor and his staff.
+Richard still held his pole horizontally, and had not his Excellency
+skillfully handled his horse, he would have been hurled from his saddle.
+As it was, the unfortunate adjutant-general received the shock. The end
+of the pole struck him fair on the breast, and down he went in the dust;
+for who could withstand the terrible charge of Richard the Lion-hearted?</p>
+
+<p>Having unhorsed the adjutant-general, on went the indomitable Richard,
+scattering the crowds, until he suddenly left the lists, and was seen
+dashing down the road, with his pole still poised, and his horse kicking
+up his heels and casting clouds of dust behind him.</p>
+
+<p>Just then Ida uttered a shriek as Love was thrown over the head of his
+horse and fell at her feet.</p>
+
+<p>"Pick Love up!" exclaimed the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;oh&mdash;oh, mercy!" screamed Rosabel, as Bliss came charging towards
+her; and his horse, rearing and kicking, hurled the rider over his head
+and almost deposited Bliss in the young lady's lap.</p>
+
+<p>"Look out for Dove, ladies!" exclaimed Toney, as Dove took flight from
+the back of his horse and fell at the feet of the fair candidates for the crown.</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious heavens! look yonder!" cried the widow.</p>
+
+<p>All eyes were turned in the direction indicated.</p>
+
+<p>The other knights, emulating the example of their <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span>illustrious leader,
+were charging the governor's staff. The Knight of Cunopolis headed the
+onset; and after dismounting two captains and one colonel, the three
+valorous knights, with an amazing clatter of hoofs, went off after
+Richard the Lion-hearted.</p>
+
+<p>His Excellency was astounded at this novel manner of conducting a
+tournament; but, being admirably mounted and fond of excitement, he
+galloped off with a portion of his staff in pursuit of the fugitive
+knights. About a mile on the road his horse leaped over Ivanhoe, who had
+sought repose on the bosom of his mother earth. Farther on the valorous
+Knight of Glenbetsy was seen floundering among the frogs in a pond of
+water. They now came in sight of the Knight of Cunopolis, who was going
+along at a furious speed, still carrying his pole in his hand, when down
+went his horse in a gully. Leaving one of his staff to assist the fallen
+hero, on went his Excellency in pursuit of Richard the Lion-hearted.
+Reaching the top of an eminence, he beheld Richard on his white charger
+riding along at a terrific speed. His Excellency, who was a famous
+fox-hunter, now stood in his stirrups and shouted, "Tallyho! tallyho!"
+and then applied whip and spur with redoubled vigor.</p>
+
+<p>They soon crossed a stream which formed the boundary of two counties.</p>
+
+<p>Richard was now hidden from their view by an angle in the road; and when
+their panting and foam-covered horses had galloped another mile, they
+beheld him lying on the ground by the side of his gallant charger. Old
+Whitey had fallen, thoroughly exhausted; and Richard, dismounted at
+last, now lay in the road, gasping for breath, but still grasping his long pole.</p>
+
+<p>When he had been restored to consciousness, his Excellency complimented
+him on his admirable horsemanship, and said that the chase had afforded
+him fully as much enjoyment as he had ever found in the most exciting fox-hunt.</p>
+
+<p>In the afternoon of the same day, as Rosabel and Ida were seated on the
+porch of the Widow Wild's mansion, in company with Toney and Tom, they
+beheld, on the road leading to Mapleton, a procession of people on
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>horseback following a carriage, in which were seated a Caucasian and an
+African.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" said Rosabel. "It looks like a funeral."</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing like a funeral," said Toney, who had applied an opera-glass to his eye.</p>
+
+<p>"What can it be?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"A triumphal procession in honor of Richard Plantagenet," said Toney.
+"The governor and his staff are conducting him back to the town.
+Richard's chariot is driven by an Ethiopian, and another African is
+leading his white charger, which seems much exhausted."</p>
+
+<p>"I do wonder what made those horses run away with the knights?" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"We have made the discovery," said the widow, coming on the porch in
+company with the Professor. "It was just as I had predicted. That Barney
+Bates was at the bottom of the mischief."</p>
+
+<p>"What did he do?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," said the Professor, "in anticipation of the tournament, Barney
+had procured pieces of leather perforated by a number of long and sharp
+tacks, the points of which were carefully covered by other pieces of
+thinner leather, so arranged that it required the weight of the rider to
+cause the tacks to pierce through. Bates had seduced the other boys from
+their allegiance to their respective knights, and under each saddle was
+one of these cruel instruments of torture, ready to give the steed great
+agony as soon as the valiant knight had mounted."</p>
+
+<p>"And that caused the horses to kick up and run off?" said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"That was undoubtedly the cause of their extraordinary excitement," said
+the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder what has become of Love?" said Ida.</p>
+
+<p>"He fell at your feet," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And Bliss?" said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Bliss endeavored to bestow himself on you," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, he was very near falling in Rosabel's lap," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"And what did they do with Dove?" asked Ida.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p><p>"Ladies," said the Professor, "I have made inquiry, and can answer your
+questions. Those three gallant knights were carried from the lists to
+the town. No bones had been broken, but their nerves were terribly
+shattered. They were conducted to a chamber in the hotel, and strong
+tonics brought from the bar and skillfully administered by the landlord.
+At this very moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss are snugly sleeping in the
+same bed, and probably dreaming of future fields of glory."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXVII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed seven days of
+rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow
+Wild, and had eyes and ears for nobody but Ida. The Professor informed
+Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom was usually as
+silent as a man who had a difficult problem in his head for solution,
+and that on several occasions, when he had endeavored to engage him in
+conversation, he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, "Indeed,
+Miss Ida, what you say is very true."</p>
+
+<p>"He mistook you for Ida?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"To be sure he did," said the Professor. "Mistook me for a young lady.
+Is it not a pretty piece of business for the founder of the sect of
+Funny Philosophers to have the imagination of one of his disciples
+clothing him in petticoats? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like Ida?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not much, I must confess," said Toney, laughing. "But Ida's image is
+impressed on Tom's organ of vision, and when he looks at you the image
+aforesaid is dancing in the intervening space."</p>
+
+<p>"And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom Seddon is getting to be
+really disagreeable," said the Professor. "During the day, when Ida is
+not present, he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>
+and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I am annoyed by
+his somniloquism."</p>
+
+<p>"What does he say?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but sometimes hear 'Ida,
+Ida,' articulated with tender emphasis. I do wish that Tom would get out
+of Doubting Castle."</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a place is that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers to dwell for a
+period, either long or short, according to their whim or caprice. I have
+known some maidens, who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that
+cooed in the garden of Eden in the days of primeval innocence, exhibit
+as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant Despair to the poor
+Pilgrims who had fallen into his hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers
+held in Doubting Castle for years."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that Tom's term of imprisonment will be of long duration?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think not. Ida's uncle is opposed to Tom's suit, is he not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable barriers between Tom and Ida.
+He sometimes chases Tom out of his house by pretending to have a fit of canine rabies."</p>
+
+<p>"This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be the means of
+soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle."</p>
+
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+
+<p>"As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs: if you try to head
+them off they will give a squeal and bolt by you, and travel the very
+road you didn't want them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out.
+Tom Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle."</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder he comes now," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He is out of the Castle,&mdash;I know it," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What makes you think so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Look at how he walks. His head is up. His step is as light as if his
+feet were feathers. Yesterday he held his head down, as if he were
+calculating the distance to the antipodes, and walked as if he had a
+large quantity<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> of lead in the bottom of his boots. I'll bet that he
+don't call me Miss Ida after to-day."</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant with smiles. He took
+Toney by the hand and shook it energetically. He then seized the
+Professor by both hands and gave him a violent shaking.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a beautiful day," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"It is always so," said the Professor, "after&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"After what?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"After the sun comes from behind the clouds," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you," said Tom, taking Toney
+by the arm and leading him aside.</p>
+
+<p>"I knew it," muttered the Professor to himself. "The gates of Doubting
+Castle are wide open. He is out. How happy he looks! I wonder if it
+always makes a man feel so happy? I wish I could find Dora. I'd risk
+another negative."</p>
+
+<p>Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida in the Widow Wild's
+garden, and had told the young lady how&mdash;&mdash; But this ought not to be
+repeated. He and Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss
+Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some future period not yet
+clearly designated. This was a profound secret between Toney and Tom,
+and the latter was confident that the Professor did not even guess at
+it, as was evident from the very grave manner with which he remarked, as
+they came where he stood,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, it is about time for me to go home and prepare for the
+exhibition. You will be there to-night?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney and Tom walked to
+the residence of the Widow Wild, and sat on the porch with Rosabel and Ida.</p>
+
+<p>Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to make a public
+examination of heads, and, as a sort of afterpiece, the Professor had
+promised to make some experiments in biology. This he did merely as an
+amateur, and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of the
+exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull.</p>
+
+<p>There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> Mapleton. Toney
+and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and the widow to the exhibition, and
+secured for them comfortable seats.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is that little man seated on the platform?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"That is the phrenologist," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that thing on the table before him?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull of a distinguished
+negro lawyer of Timbuctoo," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It looks like a sheep's head," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending to show what
+important results the science of phrenology was destined to produce;
+saying that in the administration of justice the guilt or innocence of
+parties accused of crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an
+inspection of their craniums; that men could thus know what occupation
+or calling they should pursue, and whom they should marry; remarking,
+with emphasis, that no gentleman should venture upon matrimony until he
+had first made a critical examination of the young lady's head.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that he says?" asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should examine young ladies' heads
+when they court them," said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"If I were a young lady," said the widow, "I would like to see any man
+come pawing about my head."</p>
+
+<p>Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was satisfied and willing to
+venture on matrimony without an examination of that beautiful head
+covered with long and luxuriant tresses.</p>
+
+<p>"What is Mr. Pate going to do?" asked Rosabel, as Pate took a seat on the platform.</p>
+
+<p>"He has presented himself for examination," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald head before him, and
+then exclaimed, with enthusiasm,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. His perceptive faculties
+are large, and so are the organs of firmness, benevolence, and
+conscientiousness; comparison is very large, and causality is immense. I
+have<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> never met with a finer development of the reasoning faculties
+except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer of Timbuctoo, which now
+lies before me on the table. This gentleman would excel in intellectual
+pursuits, and might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of
+Mansfield or Marshall."</p>
+
+<p>Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, and from that day
+became an enthusiastic student of the science of phrenology.</p>
+
+<p>Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated.</p>
+
+<p>"This gentleman," said Boneskull, "is better fitted for domestic life.
+He would be a devoted lover, and a disappointment in love might drive
+him to despair, and even suicide."</p>
+
+<p>Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of brandy which he
+had swallowed in a fit of desperation after his unfortunate interview
+with the beautiful Imogen in Colonel Hazlewood's garden. Love and Dove
+now seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by Boneskull, who said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every particular. Each can
+sing sweetly, and either could easily win a woman's heart."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" exclaimed the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Listen," said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could drive a woman
+to despair; but neither would do so, for in both the organ of
+benevolence is immensely developed."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever hear such talk?" said the widow. "Dove drive a woman to
+despair! Well, I wonder what he is going to say about Ned Botts?" said
+she, as that uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated
+himself in the chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps," said Boneskull, with a look of embarrassment, "you might be
+offended if I were to say what is revealed by the bumps?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," said Botts. "Speak out."</p>
+
+<p>"The organ of destructiveness is very large. This man might commit&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder," said Boneskull.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p><p>Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and kicked him off the
+platform.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder! murder! murder!" roared the phrenologist as he rolled on the
+floor among the audience.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, and, seizing
+Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led him from the room.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Boneskull?" exclaimed a man in the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>"Here he is under my feet," said another.</p>
+
+<p>The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, dear," said Rosabel, "he is almost murdered! Look how he is
+bleeding."</p>
+
+<p>Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which a crimson stream
+was copiously flowing, and hastily retreated from the room by a back door.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and announced that the
+phrenologist was too much disabled to resume his position on the
+platform. It was therefore proposed to entertain the audience with some
+experiments in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a
+psychological illusion.</p>
+
+<p>"Let any one who is so disposed," said the Professor, "sit for fifteen
+minutes with his eyes closed and his right thumb on his left pulse. At
+the end of that time I will commence my experiments."</p>
+
+<p>Several persons immediately put themselves in the required position. The
+Professor held his watch in his hand, and at the expiration of the time
+named, approached M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and
+his thumb on his wrist. "Open your eyes! open your eyes, if you can!"
+said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of command. Pate's eyes flew wide
+open. "You won't do," said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump.
+"Open your eyes! open your eyes, sir, if you can,"&mdash;but Rump's eyes were
+as tightly closed as if he had padlocks on the lids, and the Professor
+conducted him to the platform. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open
+their eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"This is a nice young lady," said the Professor, addressing Dove and
+pointing to Rump. "She is in love with you and expects you to court her."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span></p><p>Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm around his neck
+and kissed him. Rump looked modest and blushed deeply.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you allow that?" said the Professor. "The young lady is in love
+with you and he is kissing her."</p>
+
+<p>Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. There was quite a
+struggle between them, when the Professor sternly cried out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing there? Quarreling over that ugly black woman?"</p>
+
+<p>Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in their countenances.
+To each of them Simon Rump had assumed the appearance of a hideous negress.</p>
+
+<p>"Look out! it is a snake! it will bite you!" said the Professor,
+throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and Bliss ran around the platform
+with cries of terror. "It is a telescope! Pick it up! you can see the
+capitol at Washington through it." Rump put it to his eyes and beheld
+the national capitol.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand here," said the Professor to Rump. "Now, whom would you like to
+see?&mdash;the dead?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, no!" exclaimed Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"The absent?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Whom?"</p>
+
+<p>"Susan," said Rump.</p>
+
+<p>"There she is!" said the Professor, pointing to a female form at the far
+end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of rapture, and, leaping from the
+platform, ran to the female, and threw his arms round her neck, and
+kissed her on both cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>"Look at Simon Rump!" said the Widow Wild. "The miserable dog! he is
+kissing my cook, who is as black as Beelzebub."</p>
+
+<p>The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her nails; and another
+belligerent now appeared in his rear. This was Simon's angel, who had
+beheld his conduct with intense indignation, and was now fiercely
+assaulting him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took part in
+the combat, and Rump was driven from the door into the street. The crowd
+followed, cheering the angel<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> and the two cherubs. Rump was overpowered,
+and turning his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and cherubs
+in possession of the field. While men and women stood in the street in
+wild excitement, the Professor locked the door of the hall and proceeded to his lodgings.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXVIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Like one who has committed a great crime, and knows that retributive
+justice is in close proximity to his heels, Simon Rump fled homeward, on
+foot, a miserable man. The blows and the hair-pulling, of which he was
+the recipient, had driven the delusion from his brain, and he was
+conscious of his guilt, and in trembling apprehension awaited his
+punishment. In the house, where he had spent so many hours in days gone
+by, contemplating the blissful period when it would be the abode of an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs, he now sat and listened with a
+feeling of extreme terror for the sounds which would indicate the
+approach of the angel aforesaid.</p>
+
+<p>At length the clatter of horses' hoofs was heard, and peeping through
+the window, poor Rump beheld the angel ride up with a female cherub on
+the pillion behind her. A male cherub was mounted on the other horse. As
+Rump saw them in the act of dismounting, the manly fortitude which he
+had endeavored to summon up instantly forsook him, and he seized his hat
+and fled with precipitation from the house through a back door. The
+wretched man ran with speed until he reached a wood on the outskirts of
+his farm, where he wandered for hours, like one who had been driven an
+outcast from association with his kind. Tired and sleepy, he at last
+ventured into his barn, and throwing himself on a bundle of hay,
+endeavored to recruit his exhausted faculties in the arms of Morpheus.</p>
+
+<p>With the ruddy dawn of the day the consciousness of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> his misery
+returned. Rump rubbed his eyes and looked around. At the distance of one
+hundred yards from where he sat on his bundle of hay he beheld his
+domicile, in which dwelt an angel and seven sweet little cherubs, who
+had become to him the beings he most dreaded to encounter. The hour for
+breakfast at length arrived, and he knew that hot coffee and buttered
+cakes were on the old mahogany table, and he was a miserable wretch
+banished from his own board. Hunger at length drove him forth, and with
+timidity he approached his house, ascended the steps, and attempted to
+open the door. It was bolted. Rump rapped.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is there?" asked the angel, in shrill and abrupt tones.</p>
+
+<p>"It is I," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is I?" asked the mother of the cherubs.</p>
+
+<p>"Simon Rump," said the lord of the mansion.</p>
+
+<p>"Simon Rump is dead. I planted a rose over that good man's grave more
+than a year ago. What do you want?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am hungry; I want my breakfast," said Simon.</p>
+
+<p>"Go around to the kitchen and eat with the cook," said the angel.</p>
+
+<p>Simon Rump now knew that the angel was inexorable, and that henceforth
+he was a stranger at his own door. He walked away with a sad heart and
+obtained a breakfast at a neighbor's house. This benevolent individual
+endeavored to comfort the poor exile, and offered him an asylum until
+the wrath of the angel should be appeased. In his new abode Simon
+remained during the day, and at night he would wander around his own
+house, which he was now forbidden to enter.</p>
+
+<p>One night, as he was wandering on the boundary between his farm and the
+estate of the Widow Wild, he heard a commotion among a herd of swine.
+Rump had recently lost several porkers, and was confident that some one
+was now in the act of stealing a hog. He followed in the direction of
+the sound, and in the moonlight beheld a negro dragging, by its legs, a
+large animal of the porcine species to the door of his cabin. The
+African here threw his squealing victim on its back, and instantly<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>
+plunged a large knife into its throat. Rump rushed forward, and seizing
+the assassin by the collar, commenced severely belaboring him with a
+stout hickory, at the same time indignantly denouncing him in terms of
+vituperation. The negro was astounded at this sudden assault on his
+person, and bounding about with extraordinary agility, loudly exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Take care, Massa Rump! take care, or you will hurt yourself!"</p>
+
+<p>But Rump, regardless of this advice, continued his vigorous exercise
+until he had broken his hickory, when he exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am Sam."</p>
+
+<p>"You are the infernal thief who was whipped for stealing the hen and
+eggs! Whose hog is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"It belongs to the Widow Wild."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought it was mine," said Rump. "But, no matter, you have got to go
+to jail. Come along!"</p>
+
+<p>This predatory African was incarcerated in the jail of the county, and
+being unacquainted with any lawyer except the eloquent advocate who had
+once so ably defended him in the court of Justice Johnson and obtained
+for him a new trial in spite of the efforts of Piddler to prevent it, he
+sent for M. T. Pate, and employed him in his defense against this charge of felony.</p>
+
+<p>Here, then, was an opportunity for the aspiring advocate to distinguish himself.</p>
+
+<p>The eulogy pronounced by the learned phrenologist on his intellectual
+developments had awakened ambitious hopes in his bosom, and Pate
+determined to prepare in the most elaborate manner for the defense of
+his sable client, and was confident of redeeming his reputation, which
+had been so badly damaged in his encounter with Toney Belton. It was
+exceedingly fortunate for him that the trial could not take place until
+a week subsequent to the time when he was employed as counsel. Unlike
+some other able advocates, he had none of that superficial but
+convenient talent which enables its possessors to make some of their
+best efforts almost impromptu. Like the bird of wisdom, he meditated
+much before he opened his mouth,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> and seldom ventured upon any public
+effort without having previously thrown his thoughts into the shape of a
+written composition, which was carefully committed to memory, to be used
+on the proper occasion. Had there not been an opportunity for
+preparation during a whole week, that portion of his speech in defense
+of Sam, which he succeeded in producing from the archives of his memory,
+would, without doubt, have been far less remarkable for its beauty and eloquence.</p>
+
+<p>Demosthenes would never have been the foremost man in the Athenian forum
+if he had not labored assiduously to correct his imperfections by going
+daily to the seashore, with his vocal organ well ballasted with pebbles,
+and delivering his orations with the winds howling around him and the
+waves roaring at his feet. In imitation of so illustrious an example, M.
+T. Pate, having composed an elaborate speech in defense of the
+incarcerated African, daily resorted to some secluded spot, and gave
+utterance to his eloquence with the birds twittering their delight, and
+the frogs croaking their hoarse notes of approbation.</p>
+
+<p>On a certain afternoon Toney and Tom were walking in the direction of
+the Widow Wild's mansion, engaged in earnest conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Toney, "Ida is entirely dependent on her eccentric uncle,
+and you have but little property."</p>
+
+<p>"Ida is willing to wait until I have acquired sufficient&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"To buy a cottage big enough to hold an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs?" said Toney. "But a cottage is not all. Angels must eat, and
+cherubs must have bread and butter, and it takes money to obtain a
+constant supply of such articles. Love cannot live on earth without the
+aid of the butcher and baker."</p>
+
+<p>"I will go to work at my profession and make money," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That you can do," said Toney; "but it takes time."</p>
+
+<p>"Ida is willing to wait for ten years," said Tom. "I wish somebody would
+tell me where there is a gold mine."</p>
+
+<p>"What would you do?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span></p><p>"I would dig sixteen hours in each day until I had a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"And so would I," said Toney; "for I want exactly one hundred thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder if there is not gold in our newly-acquired territory on the
+Pacific coast?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Would you go there?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Tom, "and stay for five years, if necessary, to get enough
+gold to buy a home&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"For Ida and the cherubs?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What noise is that in the wood?" exclaimed Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Two drunken men quarreling over an empty bottle," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>They now entered the wood and proceeded in the direction of the noise.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop!" said Tom. "Look yonder!"</p>
+
+<p>Toney looked in the direction indicated, and beheld the robust form of
+M. T. Pate perched upon a stump, his arms and legs in violent motion,
+and words rolling from his lips with amazing volubility.</p>
+
+<p>"What is he doing?" said Tom, "Has he gone mad?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; he is practicing oratory; it is a rehearsal," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"How would he look if we were to go up and speak to him?" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Like an unfortunate dog taken in the act of assassinating a sheep,"
+said Toney. "Don't let him see us. Listen! What's that he is saying?"</p>
+
+<p>"Something about the Widow Wild," said Tom. "Hear that! He says she has
+a heart of flint."</p>
+
+<p>"Calls her a harpy," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It's well for him the widow does not hear him," said Tom. "What's it
+all about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pate's client has stolen the widow's hog, and the lawyer is getting
+ready to abuse the owner of the property. Hark! What's that?"</p>
+
+<p>There was a noise in the bushes, and two men sprang out with clubs in
+their hands, and ran towards Pate, loudly shouting,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Here he is! Catch him! catch him!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p><p>Pate looked around, and then leaped from the stump and fled through the
+wood with the speed of a frightened antelope.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! stop! Halt! halt!" cried Toney and Tom.</p>
+
+<p>The men halted, and coming towards them, were recognized as two laborers
+employed on the Widow Wild's estate.</p>
+
+<p>"What were you going to do?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Give that fellow a good beating," said one of the men.</p>
+
+<p>"What has he been doing?" inquired Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He comes here every day and gets on that stump, and abuses the Widow
+Wild, who is as nice a woman as a man ever worked for, and we won't
+stand it! So we cut these clubs and lay in the bushes for him."</p>
+
+<p>"You had better let him alone," said Toney. "He is a lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>"Let him come here again!" said one of the men.</p>
+
+<p>"Even if he was a priest!" said the other.</p>
+
+<p>"What would you do?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Break every bone in his body!" said the man, brandishing his club. And
+with this emphatic declaration of their intentions, the men returned to
+their work, while Toney and Tom proceeded on their way to the residence of the Widow Wild.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXIX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before an audience of
+feathered bipeds and amphibious quadrupeds, had fully prepared M. T.
+Pate for the day of trial. On the morning of that eventful day he was
+seen seated in court with a grave aspect, which indicated that he
+sensibly felt the weight of the tremendous responsibility which rested upon him.</p>
+
+<p>The prisoner was put in the dock, when the Commonwealth's attorney and
+Mr. Pate announced themselves ready for trial, and were each furnished
+with a list of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> jurors in attendance. The offense charged in the
+indictment being felony, the prisoner was entitled to twenty peremptory
+challenges. In exercising this important privilege, Mr. Pate displayed
+his great knowledge of human nature acquired by a thorough study of
+phrenology. He scrutinized closely the head of each juror as he was
+called to the book, and when the organ of benevolence appeared to be
+diminutive, he cried out, with a loud voice, "Challenge!" But if that
+merciful organ was largely developed, he eagerly exclaimed, "Swear
+<i>him</i>! swear <i>him</i>!" putting a strong emphasis on the word "<i>him</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A jury having been impaneled, after a brief statement of the case by the
+Commonwealth's attorney, the Widow Wild was put upon the stand and
+proved property as alleged in the indictment. Pate put her under a
+cross-examination, and asked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Madam, what was the sex or gender of your hog?"</p>
+
+<p>The widow hesitated and looked at the judge, who told her to answer the question.</p>
+
+<p>"It was a gentleman hog," said she.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you know it was a gentleman hog?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I know it just as well as I know that you are not a gentleman hog,"
+said the widow, tartly.</p>
+
+<p>"You may take your seat," said the lawyer.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, sir," said the widow. And with a toss of her head, and a
+fiery look of indignation at the attorney, she glided to a seat in the
+corner of the room, where she announced to the Professor her intention
+to repay Pate for his impudence.</p>
+
+<p>Simon Rump was now sworn, and testified to the facts already stated in
+the preceding chapter, and which appeared to be conclusive proof of the
+guilt of the accused. But Pate was not discouraged. He put Rump under a
+rigorous cross-examination, and asked him if he was not subjected to
+psychological illusions. The opposite counsel interposed an objection to
+this question, and the court inquired of Mr. Pate his object in asking
+it.</p>
+
+<p>"May it please your Honor," said Pate, "I expect to show that this man
+Rump is one of those unfortunate<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> individuals who are continually
+subjected to psychological illusions. This class are quite numerous, and
+not long ago I heard one of them say that he had seen a heavy piano get
+up of its own accord and dance on nothing, half-way between the ceiling
+and the floor, all the while playing a tune, and keeping time with its
+feet to its own music.</p>
+
+<p>"Another man told me that he had seen a certain doctor walk on the air,
+and pass out at one window in the third story of a house and come in at
+the other. And it is said that this Simon Rump alleges that he once saw
+a white ghost, in a clump of willows, in the rear of his barn. Now,
+learned men inform us that these objects have no real existence, but are
+simply projections from the disordered brain of the person who imagines
+that he sees them. May it please your Honor, it is not at all unlikely
+that Sam and the hog were nothing more than projections from the
+disordered brain of Simon Rump. If a man's brain can project a heavy
+piano and cause it to dance a jig on the air, could not Rump's brain
+project a big negro with a whole hog on his shoulder?"</p>
+
+<p>In anticipation of this testimony, Pate had carefully prepared his
+argument at home and had committed it to memory.</p>
+
+<p>He now succeeded in carrying his point, the court deciding that, upon
+general principles, there was nothing to preclude the prisoner's counsel
+from proving, if he could so do, that Rump's brain was in such a
+disordered condition as to render his testimony unreliable. So the
+question was put to Rump, who said that he had walked at all hours of
+the night, and had never seen a psychological illusion; that he had
+never "heard tell of them" before, and did not know what they were.
+After much badgering, however, he admitted that he had seen something
+behind his barn, which, to the best of his knowledge and belief, was a
+ghost. Having been worried until he had made this admission, poor Rump
+was finally dismissed from the stand.</p>
+
+<p>The testimony of the State was here closed.</p>
+
+<p>The court now inquired of Mr. Pate if he had any witnesses to examine on
+the part of the defense.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span></p><p>"Yes, may it please your Honor," was the reply, "we have one very
+important witness. Call Professor Joseph Boneskull."</p>
+
+<p>Thereupon the crier called, in a loud voice, "Professor Joseph
+Boneskull! Professor Joseph Boneskull!"</p>
+
+<p>Immediately a bald-headed little man, about five feet two inches in
+stature, walked up to the witness-stand, carrying in his hand a
+phrenological plaster cast of a human head. All eyes opened in amazement
+and looked with wonder, first at the head on the little man's shoulders,
+and then at the head in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>This strange witness, who seemed to come on the stand under the
+impression that two heads were better than one, was sworn by the clerk
+in the usual form, when Mr. Pate asked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What is your profession, trade, occupation, or calling?"</p>
+
+<p>"My profession," said the witness, "is one of which all sensible men
+might be proud. I am a phrenologist. I tell the diversified mental and
+moral characteristics of men, women, and children, whether they be white
+or whether they be black, by a manipulatory examination of the
+superficial, distinctive developments of their respective craniums,
+vulgarly denominated skulls."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a critical examination
+of the cranium of the prisoner at the bar?"</p>
+
+<p>"I answer, most unequivocally, I have."</p>
+
+<p>"Can you inform the jury what are the respective developments of the
+prisoner's organs of alimentiveness, acquisitiveness, and
+conscientiousness?"</p>
+
+<p>Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the question; saying that
+the introduction of such testimony was wholly unwarranted by any of the
+established rules of evidence.</p>
+
+<p>After an argument of some length, the court decided that the testimony
+in relation to the phrenological developments of Sam was inadmissible.
+Thereupon Professor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both
+heads with him as he went.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer?" inquired the court.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p><p>"None whatever," was the mournful response.</p>
+
+<p>"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.</p>
+
+<p>The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are
+not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been
+retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,&mdash;No advocate ever
+rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous
+disadvantages as now encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and
+virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of
+stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day
+with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the
+wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice
+enables her to exert,&mdash;she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to
+persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended,
+innocent, and unoffending African.</p>
+
+<p>"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the
+language of a great Roman poet, <i>hic est niger</i>, and while men of the
+Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld
+from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and
+even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the
+descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to
+be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the peer of Sam?</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now
+environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy
+criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that
+venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of
+Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or
+perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.</p>
+
+<p>"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before
+Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the
+unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave
+public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> who had
+murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I
+hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who
+has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof
+of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of
+my innocent and calumniated client.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America,
+and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr,
+that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be
+guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect
+you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A
+miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had
+any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that
+stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under
+oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon
+Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not
+on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards
+use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at
+Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both
+cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian
+complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect
+machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are
+projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney
+corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man
+projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of
+his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why,
+gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting
+an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the
+pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on
+the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created
+by his diseased<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> mental organization; and when this miserable man
+reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium,
+for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you
+should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>'Hence, horrible shadow!</div>
+<div>Unreal mockery, hence!'</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court permitted me to examine
+the learned Professor Boneskull, I could have easily proved by him that
+the guilt of Sam is a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar
+of our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the court. But,
+gentlemen, although you have not the testimony of Professor Boneskull
+before you, the prisoner himself is seated in full view, and you can
+certainly rely upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according to
+Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I entreat you to look
+upon the goodly countenance of my client and to scrutinize closely his
+phrenological developments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably
+diminutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam should
+have so enormous an appetite that he would seek to devour a whole hog?
+His organ of acquisitiveness is still smaller, and he could not covet
+nor desire another man's property; while his immense development of
+conscientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, the bumps clearly demonstrate that the guilt of the prisoner
+is a natural impossibility. Nature herself cries aloud that he is
+innocent. Sam&mdash;Sam&mdash;I say&mdash;Sam!" Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling
+vigorously at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was
+dozing in the prisoners' dock, suddenly started up and exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Sir!"&mdash;at which the bailiffs called out, "Silence!
+Silence!" and the judge rapped with his gavel.</p>
+
+<p>Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate from the moment he
+commenced his argument, and the ugly demon now pounced upon him as he
+stood, in anticipation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar.
+His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> which, with two
+law-books, he had put in a drawer of the table, intending to take out a
+few sheets at a time in the order in which he might want to use them.
+When the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he put his
+hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of manuscript for the purpose
+of refreshing his memory; but how great was his horror on finding the
+drawer closed in such manner that he could not open it! By some awkward
+arrangement of the books one of them had opened, and was acting as a
+lock to prevent the drawer from being pulled out.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain; at the same time
+repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, "Gentlemen of the
+jury,"&mdash;"Gentlemen of the jury." He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort
+of soliloquy, "Gracious heavens! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary
+unless I can get that drawer open!" Here he gave another tremendous tug
+at the drawer, and saying, "Gentlemen of the jury,"&mdash;"Gentlemen of the
+jury,"&mdash;"A natural impossibility!" sank back in his seat with his face
+bathed in a profuse perspiration.</p>
+
+<p>The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted by the strange
+conduct of the speaker, and a general peal of laughter broke forth as
+soon as they perceived his awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of
+mirth, which the court could not wholly repress, so increased the
+agitation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from the court-room
+like a man on a wild hunt after his wits.</p>
+
+<p>"He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion," said a pitiless limb of
+the law in a loud whisper.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Toney Belton, "he has gone for a locksmith to open the
+drawer, and will soon return and conclude his argument."</p>
+
+<p>But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude his powerful
+appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted by the jury and sentenced by
+the court to confinement in the penitentiary for the term of two years and six months.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"There are persons so peculiarly constituted as to suppose that all the
+inhabitants of the terrestrial globe have their minds occupied with
+thoughts of them," said Toney to the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And that all the people of the planets are peeping through telescopes
+and making critical observations on their actions," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The unfortunate M. T. Pate must have been in some such mental condition
+after his lamentable break down in court."</p>
+
+<p>"What has become of him? I have not seen him for a whole month."</p>
+
+<p>"During several weeks he remained in seclusion, and manufactured an
+immense amount of melancholy for home consumption. His stock being
+finally exhausted he came forth into the world again."</p>
+
+<p>"To discover that the world was occupied with its own affairs and
+thinking very little about him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; some were engaged in making money; some in making mischief&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And Tom Seddon in making love with indefatigable industry&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"While the earth revolved on her axis as if nothing extraordinary had
+ever occurred in the court-room."</p>
+
+<p>"What is Pate now doing?"</p>
+
+<p>"He has become a collecting lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"An attorney who, for a moderate commission, rides over the country
+collecting money for his clients."</p>
+
+<p>"A dun? Why, yonder comes Pate now on his old white horse!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, Mr. Pate," said Toney, as the lawyer rode up.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you riding far to-day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Only to the Widow Wild's residence. I have a claim<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> to collect for Mr.
+Clement. Good-morning, gentlemen." And Pate rode on.</p>
+
+<p>"Did he say he was going to the Widow Wild's residence?" asked the
+Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; to dun her for a debt."</p>
+
+<p>"If my identity was merged in that of M. T. Pate, I would be afraid to
+venture within a hundred yards of the widow's house."</p>
+
+<p>"Why?"</p>
+
+<p>"I sat by her side in the court-room, and heard her declaration of war
+against M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"He denounced her terribly in his speech to the jury."</p>
+
+<p>"And she denounced him terribly in her speech to me."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish Tom Seddon was here; we might send him to witness the interview
+between the widow and M. T. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"His absence is to be deplored. Ida has done the sect of Funny
+Philosophers great injury by carrying off one of its most efficient
+members, who is so much needed in this emergency. But when that young
+lady returned to Bella Vista she took Mr. Seddon's heart with her; and,
+of course, it was not to be expected that he should exist in one
+locality, and that important organ, which is supposed to be the seat of
+vitality, in another."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor here proceeded to animadvert on the conduct of young
+ladies in appropriating other people's hearts, and was making sundry
+remarks on the subject, when he was interrupted by Toney, who exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yonder comes Clement and his clerk from the direction of the Widow
+Wild's house! Good-morning, Mr. Clement. Have you seen Mr. Pate?"</p>
+
+<p>"I saw him ride up the avenue leading to Mrs. Wild's house, and
+dismount," said Clement.</p>
+
+<p>"I saw him pull the bell at the front door," said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Was the door opened to him?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"It was opened by the widow herself, who, with a smiling countenance and
+an extended hand, seemed to bid him welcome," said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"That is strange!" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Not so strange as it may seem," said the clerk; "for, though Pate is
+sometimes bad-mannered among men, he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> will purr as softly as a pussy cat
+as soon as he comes in proximity to a petticoat. It is just as likely as
+not that the widow has taken a fancy to him."</p>
+
+<p>"Women are enigmas," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The Widow Wild certainly is," said the Professor. "She would puzzle the
+brain of an &OElig;dipus."</p>
+
+<p>The deadly hostility of the widow to M. T. Pate was well known to the
+people of Mapleton, and a crowd collected around Clement; and, in a
+prolonged discussion, endeavored to solve what now appeared to be a mystery.</p>
+
+<p>"She was glad to see him!" said one.</p>
+
+<p>"Shook hands with him!" said another.</p>
+
+<p>"Invited him in!" said a third.</p>
+
+<p>"But why does he stay so long?" said Clement.</p>
+
+<p>During the day this question was often repeated by the gossips, who
+assembled in groups, with their gaze fixed on the road leading from the
+widow's mansion to the town.</p>
+
+<p>Suddenly a horse and rider are seen approaching from that direction at a
+furious speed. As they come nearer, the man seems to be without a hat,
+and with a heavy suit of black hair, and huge black whiskers. The steed
+is spotted like a leopard. The people behold the strange horse and rider
+with amazement as they enter the town with the speed of Tam O'Shanter.
+At this moment a shout goes up from the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! stop!, stop!" cried a number of voices.</p>
+
+<p>But, Mazeppa-like, the mysterious apparition dashes through the town;
+and while men, women, and children are gazing in gaping wonderment, the
+bare-headed rider and spotted steed disappear beyond a distant hill.</p>
+
+<p>"Who do you think it was?" said a group of astonished people to the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor shook his head and was silent.</p>
+
+<p>"What is your opinion, Mr. Clement?" asked a man in the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>Clement was puzzled, and said nothing.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was that hatless and hugely-whiskered rider?" said Toney to the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a mystery yet to be solved," said the Professor, as he took
+Toney's arm and walked with him to the latter's office.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"What may be the subject of your meditations?" said Toney to the
+Professor on the following morning, as he dodged aside to avoid coming
+in collision with the latter, who was walking with his gaze apparently
+fixed on the toes of his boots.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon!" said the Professor, with a look of surprise. "I had no
+intention of converting myself into a battering-ram. I am in no
+belligerent mood, I assure you. To tell the truth, Toney, I am very sad."</p>
+
+<p>"What may be the cause of your melancholy?"</p>
+
+<p>"Disappointment in my fondest wishes."</p>
+
+<p>"In love?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, not in love. I was once disappointed in love, and I know what that
+is. It is a sore trial, but nothing to the affliction which I now endure."</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot imagine the nature of your trouble. From what does it proceed?"</p>
+
+<p>"Breach of promise."</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"Breach of promise unadvisedly made to five respectable maiden ladies."</p>
+
+<p>"To all five? Why, you must be a Turk!"</p>
+
+<p>"What am I to do?" said the Professor, with a look of despondency. "I
+cannot fulfill my promise."</p>
+
+<p>"I should think not, unless you emigrate to Salt Lake."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish Tom Seddon were here. He could assist me."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you suppose he would abandon Ida?"</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, my dear fellow, you can help me."</p>
+
+<p>"By taking one of the respectable maiden ladies off your hands? I beg to
+be excused. There is but one woman in the world I would marry, and that
+I would do quickly enough if I had a hundred thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"I was not speaking of marriage."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p><p>"Did you not say that you had promised five respectable maiden ladies?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not to conduct them to the altar."</p>
+
+<p>"What, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"To unravel the great mystery which is now agitating the minds of the
+entire population of this town, and more especially of the female portion."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who was the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse? Toney, can you tell?
+If I do not discover this secret, what will become of me when I return
+to my boarding-house where the five respectable maiden ladies are
+waiting to receive the information, which I have solemnly promised to
+obtain and impart? Toney, do you know who was the man on the Woolly Horse?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do not."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you been to the Widow Wild's house since the apparition dashed
+through the street on yesterday?"</p>
+
+<p>"I was at the widow's house last night."</p>
+
+<p>"What did you discover?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Did you allude to M. T. Pate?"</p>
+
+<p>"I did."</p>
+
+<p>"What did the widow say?"</p>
+
+<p>"She said he was a very smart lawyer, and then changed the topic of
+conversation."</p>
+
+<p>"That woman is a mystery I cannot solve. She will drive me mad! But what
+did Rosabel say when Pate's name was mentioned?"</p>
+
+<p>"She and her cousin, the widow's niece, tittered."</p>
+
+<p>"Well?"</p>
+
+<p>"The widow sharply rebuked them for their levity."</p>
+
+<p>"What then?"</p>
+
+<p>"The young ladies attempted to smother themselves."</p>
+
+<p>"How?"</p>
+
+<p>"By holding their handkerchiefs to their mouths."</p>
+
+<p>"Did they succeed?"</p>
+
+<p>"They did not. The attempt was a failure. There were explosions of
+laughter, and the young ladies jumped up and ran from the room. I saw
+them no more that night, but I heard from an adjoining room loud
+shrieks&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p><p>"What! shrieks? Nothing serious, I hope?"</p>
+
+<p>"Shrieks of laughter."</p>
+
+<p>"And you have discovered nothing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, what am I to do? I cannot return to my boarding-house, and look
+those five respectable maiden ladies in their faces, and say I know nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you seen Mrs. Foot?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go to her house."</p>
+
+<p>"Why should we go there?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is the headquarters of all the female gossips in the town."</p>
+
+<p>"Then we will go. It is the place for information. Who is Mrs. Foot?"</p>
+
+<p>"The mother of the three tall young ladies whom you have seen escorted
+by Love, Dove, and Bliss."</p>
+
+<p>"The giraffes in petticoats? What are their names?"</p>
+
+<p>"Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba."</p>
+
+<p>"They are very tall women with very long names. Which of them was
+carrying little Love hooked to her arm?"</p>
+
+<p>"That was Cleopatra."</p>
+
+<p>"And the one who was looking down so benignly on Dove?"</p>
+
+<p>"Theodosia."</p>
+
+<p>"And Sophonisba had secured Bliss. Toney, I seldom vaticinate, but I now
+predict that those three little men will marry those three stupendous sisters."</p>
+
+<p>"That would be against the rules of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, of which order Love, Dove, and Bliss are active and useful members."</p>
+
+<p>"When a very little man," said the Professor, not heeding Toney's last
+observation, "comes in daily contact with a woman of gigantic
+proportions, a marriage is inevitable."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you account for such a phenomenon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Upon very obvious principles. A little man like Bliss, promenading with
+a giantess like Sophonisba, looks up to her when he speaks, and his
+numerous soft and tender expressions ascend like prayers addressed to
+some<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> superior being above him. Sophonisba looks down and beholds poor
+little Bliss walking by her side like a motherless lamb needing
+protection. A feeling of pity takes possession of her bosom, and pity is
+nearly akin to love."</p>
+
+<p>"The big woman first pities the little man, and then loves him?"</p>
+
+<p>"That is just it. Did you ever see a very large woman married to a man
+of similar proportions?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, I have. Mrs. Foot is as tall as Sophonisba, and much more
+robust. Her husband, Gideon Foot, looks like Winfield Scott; while her
+son, who is called Hercules, stands six feet seven in his stockings."</p>
+
+<p>"A race of giants! descended, perhaps, in a direct line from Ogg, the
+King of Bashan."</p>
+
+<p>"Here is the house, and we have arrived at about the right time in the
+afternoon. The gossips usually assemble at this hour."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, this is the very place where we discovered Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+one night, singing so sweetly."</p>
+
+<p>"They come here and warble nearly every night under the windows."</p>
+
+<p>"Serenading the giantesses, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; serenading the young ladies,&mdash;the Feet."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, is that correct?"</p>
+
+<p>"What?"</p>
+
+<p>"The Feet."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you not say the Browns and the Smiths?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly."</p>
+
+<p>"What is the plural of Foot?"</p>
+
+<p>"Feet."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course. You would not have me say Foots?"</p>
+
+<p>"It is a question of philology which I am unable to determine."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go in," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>He pulled the bell, and a servant appeared, and ushered them into a
+parlor, where sat Mrs. Foot with her three daughters, and three female
+friends. The Professor was introduced by Toney to the lady of the house,
+and then to Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba; after which ceremony,
+the two gentlemen were introduced by Mrs. Foot to Mrs. Cross, Mrs.
+Hobbs, and Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p><p>"Oh, Mr. Belton," said the gigantic mother of the three stupendous
+sisters, "I am so glad you have come! Have you heard anything?"</p>
+
+<p>"In respect to what?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The Woolly Horse!" said Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"The Woolly Horse!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.</p>
+
+<p>"The Woolly Horse!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" eagerly inquired Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>The young ladies said nothing; but half a dozen blue eyes belonging to
+the young ladies aforesaid were intently fixed on Toney, in expectation
+of his answer. Toney was silent. Mrs. Foot arose from her chair and came
+close to him. Her three female friends made a similar movement, and
+Toney was surrounded.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you heard anything?" reiterated Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, madam, that is just what I would like to know," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>The expression of eager expectation on the countenance of each lady was
+instantly changed to one of sad disappointment.</p>
+
+<p>"He don't know," sighed Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"He don't know," said Mrs. Cross, with a profound suspiration.</p>
+
+<p>"It is too bad!" exclaimed Mrs. Hobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"That nobody should know who was the man on the Woolly Horse!" said Mrs.
+Smart, in extreme vexation.</p>
+
+<p>"My friend Mr. Tickle may know," said Toney, with a mischievous twinkle
+of his eye, as he directed their attention to the Professor, who was
+instantly surrounded.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it, Mr. Tickle?" said Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it?" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, dear! who was it?" cried Mrs. Hobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Tickle, who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies," said the Professor, with profound gravity, "it may have been
+an Osage Indian carrying a Woolly Horse, which he had captured in the
+Rocky Mountains, to Barnum."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p><p>"It was an Osage Indian on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it wasn't an Osage Indian," said Mrs. Tongue, who had entered the
+room unobserved.</p>
+
+<p>She was instantly surrounded.</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it? Who was it?" was asked and reiterated.</p>
+
+<p>"Wait until I get my breath," said Mrs. Tongue, sinking into a chair.
+"Bless me! I have walked so fast!"</p>
+
+<p>"Who was it? Who was it? Who was it?" came with reiterations from
+several female voices while the lady was employed in getting her breath.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you all promise not to say a word about it?" said Mrs. Tongue.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;yes!&mdash;not a word&mdash;not a syllable!&mdash;we will not breathe it!" was
+instantly and unanimously promised by the female portion of Mrs. Tongue's audience.</p>
+
+<p>"You know the Widow Wild's cook?" said Mrs. Tongue.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"The black woman whom Simon Rump kissed!" screamed Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>"The miserable dog!" cried Mrs. Cross.</p>
+
+<p>"The cook," said Mrs. Tongue, "was at my house about half an hour ago,
+and told me&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"What? What? What? What?" exclaimed four female voices simultaneously.</p>
+
+<p>"That Mr. Pate rode up to the Widow Wild's house, on yesterday morning,
+and, dismounting, pulled the bell at the front door. The widow opened
+the door herself, and received Mr. Pate with much cordiality. Having
+invited him in, she introduced him to her daughter and niece; and he and
+the three ladies soon got to be so sociable that they sat down to a game
+of whist. Time passed pleasantly and rapidly until dinner was announced.
+After dinner the widow proposed a game of blind-man's-buff; and the
+three ladies and Pate began the game with much merriment. It came to the
+lawyer's turn to be blinded; and, as soon as the handkerchief was over
+his eyes, the widow rang a bell and her two big negro men, Juba and
+Jugurtha, rushed into the room and caught Pate, and Juba held him while
+Jugurtha smeared tar over his head<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> and face. The widow then took a
+basket of black wool, and stuck the wool all over his head, and put some
+big bunches on his checks, so as to look like very large whiskers. The
+lawyer cried like a child and begged for mercy; but the widow laughed
+immoderately while she was decorating him with the wool. When released,
+the lawyer fled to the door, and there stood his horse in much the same
+condition as himself. He mounted and rode wildly away; the widow calling
+after him, 'Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! be sure to come back and get your money to-morrow!'"</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever hear the like?" said Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Never!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.</p>
+
+<p>"No; never!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"And so Mr. Pate was the man on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" exclaimed Cleopatra, who was sitting at a window. "Here is Mr. Love."</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Theodosia, "Here is Mr. Dove."</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Sophonisba. "Here is Mr. Bliss."</p>
+
+<p>"They are Mr. Pate's particular friends," said Mrs. Foot. "It will not
+do to say anything about him before them,&mdash;it might hurt their feelings.
+Let us talk about something else."</p>
+
+<p>The three little men now entered the room, and Toney and the Professor
+arose, and, bowing to the ladies, withdrew. They walked together until
+they reached Toney's office, when the Professor said, "Well, Toney, I
+can now face the five respectable maiden ladies without trepidation.
+Eureka! eureka! Good-by, old fellow."</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by," said Toney, laughing. And he entered his office, while the
+Professor proceeded with rapid strides towards his boarding-house.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Circumstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the extraordinary
+statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the preceding chapter. It was now
+recollected that no other horse and rider had been observed to come from
+the direction of the Widow Wild's mansion during the day on which it was
+known that the lawyer had gone thither to see that eccentric lady in
+reference to Clement's claim. For about a week subsequent M. T. Pate was
+said to be confined to his house by sickness; and when his friends
+called to inquire after his health, they were told by his housekeeper
+that he declined to receive any visitors. When he again appeared in
+public it was noticed that he traveled as a pedestrian; and several
+youths, curious to know what had become of old Whitey, having
+clandestinely visited the stable which he had always occupied, upon
+peeping through a crevice in the door were astonished at beholding in a
+stall a horse which was as hairless as a Chinese dog of the edible
+species. They promulgated the opinion that old Whitey had been subjected
+to a tonsorial operation, and that his hair had been closely shaven off
+by a razor or some other sharp instrument. Another link in the chain of
+circumstances was the fact that M. T. Pate now wore a wig; and calling
+at the house of Mrs. Hobbs on a certain afternoon, a little daughter of
+that lady ran into the room and was taken by the lawyer on his lap. The
+innocent child playfully caught hold of Pate's locks, and screamed with
+horror at beholding the top of his head coming off. The child was
+carried out, vociferously shrieking, and from that day would never
+venture in the room when the lawyer visited the house. Although Pate
+quickly replaced his wig, the observant Mrs. Hobbs had discovered the
+entire nudity of his noddle; and, with all convenient speed, repairing
+to the house of Mrs. Foot, gave a detailed account of the catastrophe
+which had so frightened her little daughter; <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>emphatically asserting
+that all the hair which once grew on the sides of Mr. Pate's head had
+mysteriously disappeared, and that his head, deprived of the wig, was as
+smooth and depilous as a pumpkin.</p>
+
+<p>Notwithstanding the strange rumors in relation to his ride on the Woolly
+Horse, the manners of Mr. Pate in the presence of the gentler sex were
+so bland and fascinating that he soon recovered his popularity in the
+social circle. The wig, which he now wore, had greatly improved his
+personal appearance, and transformed him into quite a handsome man. In a
+few weeks the excitement produced by the startling apparition of the
+bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse had subsided, and other subjects
+occupied the public mind. Old Whitey was still invisible, but Pate moved
+about on foot, and was frequently seen escorting the young ladies of the
+town, on their promenades, and to social parties and places of amusement.</p>
+
+<p>On a bright Sabbath morning Toney walked with the Professor to the fine
+old church, which had been built in colonial times, on the suburbs of
+the town. The pastor failed to appear; but M. T. Pate ascended the
+pulpit and read the usual prayers, together with several chapters from
+the Bible, and gave out the first and fourth verses of Part 13 of the
+ninety-seventh selection of Psalms. When Pate joined in the exercises
+with his loud bass voice, the singing was very interesting and
+impressive; especially when they came to the last two lines.</p>
+
+<p>After the services were concluded, he came down into the aisle, and
+gradually made his way to the door, surrounded by the female portion of
+the congregation. He seemed to be endeavoring to talk to more than a
+dozen ladies at the same time, and each of them appeared anxious to get
+nearest to his honored person. His manner in the pulpit had been most
+solemn and impressive; but now he had put off his clerical gravity, and
+was exceedingly merry and gallant; while his little pleasantries were delivered</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"In such apt and gracious words</div>
+<div>That aged ears play truant at his tales,</div>
+<div>And younger hearings are quite ravished;</div>
+<div>So sweet and voluble is his discourse."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span></p><p>But it was quite evident that he gave a decided preference to the
+younger and prettier portion of this circle of his female admirers. He
+was soon seen to march off with a nice young lady hanging on his arm.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is that beautiful girl whom the parson's proxy has captured and is
+carrying off?" said the Professor to Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Miss Juliet Singleton, the daughter of the wealthy old gentleman
+who lives in the rural retreat on the top of yonder hill."</p>
+
+<p>"There is a young gentleman standing with his arms folded and his back
+against a tree, who does not seem to have much of the milk of human
+kindness in his bosom just at this moment," said the Professor, pointing
+to a stalwart young man, who was gazing at Pate and his fair companion
+with eyes in which indignation was plainly expressed.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Juliet's discarded lover," said Toney, "and, by a singular
+coincidence, his name is Romeo."</p>
+
+<p>"A discarded lover is usually of a very ferocious disposition."</p>
+
+<p>"Especially when he sees his rival walk off with the object of his affections."</p>
+
+<p>"I know of no more savage animal, unless it be a man with the toothache.
+If I were walking in Mr. Pate's boots I would not like to meet that
+Romeo,&mdash;what's his cognomen?"</p>
+
+<p>"Lawton."</p>
+
+<p>"I would not like to meet Lawton in a lonely place upon my return from
+Juliet's abode. After beholding the menacing aspect of Romeo's visage, I
+think it highly probable that I shall, to-night, dream of M. T. Pate
+wending his way homeward with a pair of black eyes. How did it happen
+that Pate succeeded in stealing the affections of Juliet from that young
+man, who must be very handsome when he is not so diabolically ferocious?"</p>
+
+<p>"Immediately subsequent to Pate's return from Bella Vista he discovered
+that Romeo was visiting Juliet&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"With the obsolete idea of connubial felicity in his head, I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Juliet seemed to dote on her adorer. Love and Dove<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> had serenaded her
+in vain. Bliss had visited her, but she regarded him not. It was
+therefore a matter of astonishment to all the gossips, male and female,
+when they learned that, in a few weeks after M. T. Pate became
+acquainted with her, Romeo was a discarded lover."</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Romeo! He had a perception of the miraculous power of superior
+genius. What are Pate's intentions? Does he propose to lead the young
+lady to the hymeneal altar?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course not. He is the founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, and is merely performing his duty. His object is to prevent a marriage."</p>
+
+<p>"I must consult the five respectable maiden ladies in relation to this
+peculiar case," said the Professor. And bidding Toney good-morning, he
+walked towards his boarding-house.</p>
+
+<p>During the above conversation, Pate was escorting the beautiful Juliet
+to her abode. His attentions to this young lady were extraordinary.
+Every evening he was seated by her side. In the mornings they would take
+long and romantic walks to gather wild flowers in the forest; and in the
+afternoons they had many pleasant drives in his buggy; he having
+purchased a magnificent gray horse as a substitute for the invisible Whitey.</p>
+
+<p>He soon discovered that the young lady was exceedingly sentimental, and
+liked to listen to conversations in which love was the prominent topic.
+So he adopted a euphuistic style of speech, and became a successful
+imitator of Sir Piercie Shafton. He would address her as his adorable
+perfection; would sometimes lift her fair fingers to his lips; and,
+occasionally, in a sort of rehearsal, would go down on his knees and
+show her how love ought to be made. On one occasion the Irish servant
+found Pate in this attitude in the parlor, and hastily retreated,
+believing that he was making a proposal of marriage. She told her master
+that Miss Juliet was seated in a rocking-chair, and that Pate was
+kneeling before her, and praying to her as if she was the Blessed
+Virgin, and that she had heard him ask Juliet if she had no heart "at
+all, at all." The old gentleman was wonderfully pleased, when he
+received this information, at the prospect of soon having so<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>
+accomplished a son-in-law. Pate inserted many pretty verses, which had
+been written for him by a young poet, in the lady's album; and on one
+occasion, when he was absent from home, wrote her a number of
+sentimental letters, in one of which he spoke of the promise which he
+had made to her, and which he would never forget. On the seal, which he
+had used, were engraved the figures of two doves putting their bills
+together, as if in the act of exchanging a connubial kiss. In fact, so
+assiduous were his intentions, and so numerous his rehearsals of
+courtship, that the simple-minded girl actually believed that he had
+made her a promise of marriage, and that he was the man who had been
+predestined, from the beginning of the world, to be her wedded lord.</p>
+
+<p>There was a sweet, sequestered spot near her father's mansion, where a
+number of trees threw a delightful shade over a bubbling fountain. Under
+the trees was a rustic bench; and this was a favorite resort of the fair
+Juliet, where she was often found by Pate sitting in the moonlight, and,
+usually, in a very sentimental mood. One evening, just after twilight,
+she not being at the house, he proceeded to the fountain, and discovered
+her sitting on the rustic seat. She seemed pensive, and, when he spoke
+to her, only answered with a deep sigh. He seated himself by her side
+and inquired into the cause of her melancholy; but there was no
+response. He took her left hand in his and lifted it to his lips. As
+with tender devotion he was about to imprint an impassioned kiss, she
+drew suddenly back, and dealt him a powerful blow, with her right fist,
+under the eye, which knocked him from his seat, and he fell on the
+ground. She then sprang to her feet, and, drawing a bludgeon from
+beneath her garments, commenced beating him cruelly, regardless of his
+cries for mercy, until, at last, he was stunned by the shower of blows
+which descended in rapid succession, and lay senseless on the earth.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>When Pate became conscious he was in bed, having been carried home by
+some laborers, who found him in a sad condition, and thought at first
+that he was a murdered man. A doctor sat by his side, who had bandaged
+his wounds and bruises, and given proper attention to an arm which had
+been broken. It was many weeks before he could leave his house; and when
+he went abroad his bosom was boiling with indignation at the treatment
+which he had received at the hands of the fair Juliet, who, he believed,
+was a fiend or a fury in disguise.</p>
+
+<p>So intense was his anger at the conduct of the beautiful Amazon that he
+treated her with the greatest indignity, and, when he met her at church,
+turned his back on her with a scornful curl of his lip. He publicly
+accused her of an atrocious assault on his person, and said that she had
+first knocked him down with her fist, and had then broken his arm, and
+attempted to murder him with a heavy bludgeon.</p>
+
+<p>The greatest enemy which a man may have is the little organ which lies
+in his mouth just behind his teeth. The experience of M. T. Pate
+unfolded this truth when, one morning, the sheriff of the county called
+upon him with two interesting documents. The one was a writ of summons
+in an action for slander, and the other a similar process in a suit for
+breach of promise of marriage. He had accused the fair Juliet of an
+assault on him with intent to murder, which accusation, if true, would
+subject her to a criminal prosecution. The words spoken were therefore
+actionable. He had also treated her with contempt; and the poet tells us that</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"Hell holds no fury like a woman scorned."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>By the advice of her father, who was greatly enraged at the treatment
+which his daughter had received, both suits had been instituted.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p><p>When the day of trial arrived, there was an immense crowd in the hall
+of justice, all of whom sympathized with the young lady. In the action
+for slander, Pate had pleaded the truth in justification. By the rules
+of pleading, in so doing he admitted the speaking of the words
+complained of, and undertook to prove that they were true. But to his
+utter dismay he had no witnesses to establish the proof, as no one but
+Juliet and himself were present when the assault was made upon him. To
+put him in a worse position before the jury, the fair plaintiff
+succeeded in proving an alibi, by calling several witnesses to the stand
+who swore that, on the very evening when the assault was alleged to have
+been committed at the fountain under the trees, Juliet was some ten
+miles away at the house of her grandmother. Pate, when he heard this
+testimony, was immeasurably shocked at the corruption and villainy of
+mankind; for had he not sat by her side on the rustic bench? had he not
+taken her fair hand in his own and lifted it to his lips? had he not
+felt the blow from her fist which had knocked him from his seat? had he
+not beheld her standing over him with her garments fluttering in his
+face, and the terrible cudgel in her hand? had he not besought the
+infuriated Amazon to have mercy on him, while she was ruthlessly beating
+him, until he became insensible?&mdash;and now these false and perjured
+witnesses, bribed, no doubt, by her father's money, had sworn that she
+was some ten miles distant from the scene of the outrage!</p>
+
+<p>Pate being unable to establish the truth in justification, the counsel
+for the plaintiff took occasion to arouse the indignation of the jury
+against the defendant. He traveled beyond the evidence, as zealous
+advocates will often do, and told them that this man had basely
+slandered a respectable young lady in order to extenuate his own
+dishonorable conduct in trifling with her affections by shamefully
+violating his promise of marriage. He called the attention of the jury
+to the absurdity of the charge which Pate, by his plea, alleged to be
+true. Could any sane person believe that a young lady, with a hand so
+small and delicate, could double her fist and knock down a bulky man
+like Pate, and then beat him unmercifully with<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> a heavy bludgeon? And
+where was the proof of the allegation in the defendant's plea? While he
+had produced no evidence in support of his preposterous charge, the
+plaintiff had demonstrated its falsity by establishing an alibi. In a
+peroration, abounding in vituperation, he then demanded vindictive
+damages as a punishment for this base and abominable slander. When he
+had closed his argument, the feelings of the jury were so excited that
+they retired, and in a few moments returned, with a verdict awarding
+twelve thousand dollars to the plaintiff as damages for the injury which
+she had sustained.</p>
+
+<p>On the following day the suit for breach of promise of marriage was
+tried. As men seldom make promises of marriage in the presence of
+witnesses, in actions of this sort much of the proof is inferential. It
+was proved that Pate was in constant attendance on the young lady; that
+every evening he was seated by her side in her father's parlor, or
+taking romantic walks in her company, by moonlight, with her arm locked
+in his own; that in the morning he would walk with her to gather wild
+flowers in the forest; that in the afternoon he would be seen riding
+with her in lonely and unfrequented roads; and several witnesses swore
+that they had seen him on his knees before her, apparently making a most
+tender appeal. The Irishwoman testified to the scene in the
+rocking-chair, and said that he was praying to her, and asking her "if
+she had no heart at all, at all." The woman was asked if she could
+recollect what day it was on which she had witnessed the scene in the
+rocking-chair. She said it was the twenty-first day of May, because on
+that day the bantam hen had hatched a brood of chickens, and she had
+marked the date of the successful incubation on the top of the hen-coop.
+A letter, from Pate to Juliet, was then produced, dated the twenty-fifth
+of May, in which he spoke of the promise he had made her, and which he
+would never forget. The nature of this promise was not explained by the
+context; but so powerful was the impression made on the minds of the
+jury, that, after the closing argument of the counsel for the plaintiff,
+in which the character of M. T. Pate was torn to tatters,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> they retired,
+and soon returned with a verdict awarding damages to the injured lady to
+the amount of twenty thousand dollars.</p>
+
+<p>In each case a motion for a new trial failed, and the judgments were
+soon followed by executions, under which the whole of Pate's property
+was seized and sold. He bore his reverses with fortitude until he saw
+old Whitey under the auctioneer's hammer, when his firmness forsook him,
+and he was seen to shed tears. When the judgments were satisfied but a
+small sum remained. Pate was compelled to remove from his beautiful
+residence, and obtained lodgings in the boarding-house where the
+Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies had dwelt for many months.</p>
+
+<p>Not long afterwards he was informed by one of the respectable maiden
+ladies that Juliet, with the proceeds arising from the sale of his real
+and personal estate in her possession, had been married to Romeo, to
+whom she had become reconciled. M. T. Pate had no ill feelings towards
+this young man, and could not help pitying him. He predicted, in the
+presence of the Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies, that
+Romeo would be murdered by Juliet, in cold blood, before the end of the honeymoon.</p>
+
+<p>At the very moment when Pate was predicting this homicide, the young
+wife was seated by Romeo's side on the rustic bench by the fountain. One
+arm was around Romeo's neck and her head rested fondly against his
+shoulder. And it so happened that their conversation was about M. T. Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"And he asserted," said Juliet, "that on this very spot he was
+dreadfully beaten. How strange that a man, who reads the prayers from
+the pulpit, should tell such a falsehood!"</p>
+
+<p>"Dearest Juliet," said Romeo, "Mr. Pate did not tell a falsehood."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Romeo! can you believe that man's story?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, I do."</p>
+
+<p>"Believe that Mr. Pate was beaten?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; dreadfully beaten."</p>
+
+<p>"By me?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; not by you."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p><p>"By whom?"</p>
+
+<p>"By him who is now your loving husband."</p>
+
+<p>"By you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; by me. When I heard that you had been suddenly called from home to
+attend upon your grandmother, who was sick, I clothed myself in female
+attire, and seated myself on this bench, to settle accounts with M. T.
+Pate. It was this arm which dealt him the blow under the eye, and
+afterwards wielded the cudgel which bruised his body and fractured his limb."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Romeo! you nearly murdered him."</p>
+
+<p>"Had it not been for the approach of the laborers I would have murdered him!"</p>
+
+<p>"You would?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dearest Juliet, I loved you so that I would have murdered twenty men
+for your sake!"</p>
+
+<p>Juliet threw her arms around Romeo's neck and kissed him a countless
+multitude of times; and, strange as it may seem, she loved her husband
+more deeply after he had confessed that he was capable of committing
+twenty homicides for her sake.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The marriage of Juliet to Romeo had made one young man supremely happy,
+and another intensely miserable. At a distance of about three miles from
+the residence of the fair Juliet dwelt Farmer Lovegood, having an only
+son, who, as he grew up, looked so like a picture of the leader of the
+Israelites in the farmer's old family Bible, that he was called Moses by
+common consent, and was soon known by no other name. This
+unsophisticated youth had always been remarkable for bashfulness in the
+presence of the opposite sex. So vividly had his imagination depicted
+the horrors of a captivity in the hands of these merciless foes of the
+masculine gender that, at the first glimpse of a petticoat, he would
+frequently glide away as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> if he had beheld "the devil in disguise." But
+on a certain Sabbath he saw the beautiful Juliet, seated in her father's
+pew, and was cruelly enamored. He became a regular attendant at the
+church; but instead of joining in the devotions of the congregation, he
+sat in a corner and silently worshiped the lovely owner of the pair of
+blue eyes and golden tresses. During the week he profoundly meditated on
+the beauty of Juliet, and on each successive Sunday repaired to the
+church, and devoutly adored her in the seclusion of his corner.</p>
+
+<p>At length Moses manfully resolves on a pilgrimage to the hallowed spot
+which holds the object of his adoration. Accordingly he starts from his
+rural home, and, with infinite toil, wends his way in solitude beneath
+the silvery light of the twinkling stars, through tangled thickets and
+thorny fields; floundering through bogs and briers, and tumbling over
+snake-fences, with thoughts so delicious that, could they have escaped
+from his bosom and taken a beautiful embodiment, they would have planted
+his pathway with flowers as sweet as if steeped in the honeyed dews of
+Hymettus. And now he comes in view of the mansion in which dwells the
+lovely idol of his worship. He stands beneath the spreading boughs of
+the trees which shade the sacred spot. He sees the lights within the
+neatly-furnished parlor. He even hears the siren song of the
+enchantress, giving utterance to the sweet emotions of her soul, as if
+magnetically informed of his approach and inviting him to enter. But he
+pauses. His faculties are seized with a sudden panic, like raw recruits
+when first brought into action. His heart palpitates, and, with a
+pit-a-pat motion, comes mounting up to his mouth. His joints tremble. He
+walks to and fro under the trees, like a fellow sent upon a fool's
+errand, who has forgotten his message. Finally the lights disappear, and
+the fair Juliet has retired to rest, while the toil-worn swain proceeds
+homeward, breathless, and faint, and leaning upon his hickory cudgel.
+Moses made many nightly pilgrimages in the same manner, and with similar
+results; until, one morning, he accidentally heard that Juliet was married to Romeo.</p>
+
+<p>The unfortunate Moses now became intimately <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span>acquainted with misery.
+Sleep forsook his pillow, and after several nights of wakefulness, he
+began to meditate upon the various methods of putting one's self to
+death; but for a number of days his conclusions were unsatisfactory. He
+put the muzzle of a pistol in his mouth, but there was a mutiny among
+his fingers, and they rebelliously refused to obey his will, and pull
+the trigger. He seated himself on a beam in his father's barn, with one
+end of a rope around his neck and the other securely fastened to the
+beam, when he suddenly recollected that a man who is hanged usually
+turns black in the face and presents a hideous appearance. He stood on a
+brow of a precipice, overhanging a deep and turbid stream, and was about
+to leap into the water below, when he recoiled with horror at the
+prospect of being eaten by the fishes, and thus deprived of decent sepulture.</p>
+
+<p>Moses now wisely determined to pass away without any unnecessary
+suffering. He supposed that on the shelves of the apothecary, in
+Mapleton, were potent drugs which would put him in a condition of
+somnolency, during which he could easily glide out of this sublunary
+state of existence. So he proceeded to the town, and having procured the
+proper material for his purpose, was hurrying homeward with deadly
+intent, when he inadvertently ran against a man who was standing in the
+street reading a newspaper to a crowd of people. The rapidity with which
+Moses was walking caused him to collide with great force, and nearly
+overthrew the reader of the paper. The man turned round, and, grasping
+Moses by the collar, shook him fiercely.</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon!" exclaimed Moses, aroused, by the rude shaking he had
+received, to a consciousness of his surroundings,&mdash;"I beg pardon! I did not see."</p>
+
+<p>"Did not see!" said the man. "Where are your eyes that you can't see a
+whole crowd of people?"</p>
+
+<p>"I beg pardon!" reiterated Moses, meekly.</p>
+
+<p>"It is granted; but mind how you walk next time!" And with this
+admonition, the man resumed the reading of the paper, as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"Immense discoveries in the placers! Captain M. reported to have already
+fifteen barrels buried!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p><p>"Fifteen barrels of what?" asked Moses of a man standing near him, and
+who happened to be M. T. Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Fifteen barrels of gold!" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Of what?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of gold."</p>
+
+<p>"Have they discovered gold near Mapleton?"</p>
+
+<p>"No&mdash;no&mdash;not here."</p>
+
+<p>"Where, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"In California. Have you not heard the news? The papers have been full
+of the accounts for the last three weeks. Where have you been living?"</p>
+
+<p>"At home."</p>
+
+<p>"And not heard of the gold discoveries! People are digging out gold-dust
+by the barrel. In a week a man can become as rich as John Jacob Astor.
+We have formed a company and are going to California as soon as the ship
+is ready to sail."</p>
+
+<p>"I would like to go," said Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"You can join our company."</p>
+
+<p>"I will go," said Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along with me," said Pate. And he conducted his recruit to a room
+where several members of his company were assembled. Here Moses was
+introduced to Wiggins, Love, and Dove, and a long and earnest
+conversation ensued; after which Moses signed a paper purporting to be
+the constitution of a mining association; to which were already
+subscribed the names of the persons present, and also of Messrs Botts, Perch, and Bliss.</p>
+
+<p>"When does the ship sail?" asked Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"In about a week," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"We leave Mapleton to-morrow," said Pate. "We must be in the city to
+make arrangements for the voyage."</p>
+
+<p>"I wish we were off," said Moses. "I will go home and bid my father
+farewell, and come here to-night."</p>
+
+<p>Moses hurried home, and on the way threw the deadly drug, which he had
+purchased of the apothecary, into a stream of water to poison the
+fishes. He thought no more of suicide. Avarice had entered his soul, and
+expelled another powerful passion, which had been impelling him to the
+commission of <i>felo de se</i>. Love, like a cruel leopard, had clutched the
+heart of Moses, when<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> Avarice, like a mighty lion, appeared and
+compelled the leopard to abandon its prey.</p>
+
+<p>The father of Moses had already heard of the wonderful discoveries of
+gold on the Pacific coast, and was willing that his son should go
+thither and secure his fortune. The parent was a pious man, and he bade
+Moses kneel before him, while he laid his hands on his head and gave him
+his blessing. He then proceeded to his barn, and procuring two sacks
+made of stout canvas and each capable of containing a couple of bushels,
+he presented them to Moses, saying,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"My son, be not greedy of gold. Moderate your desires; and when you have
+filled these two sacks return again to your father's house."</p>
+
+<p>Moses dutifully vowed obedience to the injunctions of his venerable
+sire. He received the sacks with a light heart, for he felt that light
+was the task imposed upon him. He departed with the pleasing
+anticipation of a brief sojourn in the distant land and a speedy return
+to the halls of his ancestors.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"It was the saddest hour of my life when I parted from Rosabel," said
+Toney to the Professor, as they stood on the platform at the railway in
+Mapleton waiting for the train which was to convey them to the
+Monumental City, where they were to embark for California.</p>
+
+<p>"Rosabel was willing that you should go?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The dear girl wept as if her heart was breaking. I never knew how
+deeply I loved her until then. Only to think that I may be absent for
+five years! But we both thought that it was better that I should go."</p>
+
+<p>"And make the hundred thousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"There can be no hope of our union until I have the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> hundred thousand
+dollars. You know the Widow Wild's eccentricity."</p>
+
+<p>"That woman is a profound mystery. And Tom Seddon, whom we expect in the
+train,&mdash;do you think that he can part from Ida?"</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Tom's situation is like mine. He can never hope to marry Ida while
+her uncle is alive, unless he has an ample fortune."</p>
+
+<p>"You refer to the old Cerberus, who used to pretend to have fits of
+canine rabies, and drive Tom out of the house?"</p>
+
+<p>"He has entirely excluded Tom from the house."</p>
+
+<p>"Where does Tom manage to see Ida?"</p>
+
+<p>"At Colonel Hazlewood's residence. Ida is the only companion of Claribel
+and Imogen, who see no other company."</p>
+
+<p>"See no company! They used to be gay enough."</p>
+
+<p>"When Clarence and Harry went to Mexico, they secluded themselves from society."</p>
+
+<p>"What has become of those young men? They did not return when the troops
+came back from Mexico."</p>
+
+<p>"At the battle of Molino del Rey, where both were distinguished for
+heroic daring, Clarence was badly wounded; and, after our army entered
+the City of Mexico, he was in the hospital for several months, and was
+tenderly nursed by Harry until he recovered. When peace was concluded,
+and the army was about to march back to Vera Cruz, they resigned their
+commissions and proceeded to the port of Acapulco on the Pacific coast.
+Since then there have been no tidings of them."</p>
+
+<p>"Look yonder!" said the Professor. "Are they going to California?"</p>
+
+<p>Toney's eyes followed the direction indicated by the Professor's finger,
+and beheld what seemed like a procession of giants. In front towered
+Mrs. Foot by the side of her tremendous husband; while behind them
+walked the three stupendous sisters, followed by Hercules, who brought up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>"A fine morning, Mrs. Foot," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you do, Mr. Belton?" said the towering lady. "Have you seen Mr. Love?"</p>
+
+<p>"He has gone to the city to embark for California," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span></p><p>"He has!" exclaimed Mrs. Foot. "And Dove? And Bliss?"</p>
+
+<p>"Gone with Mr. Love," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I told you so!" said Gideon Foot, looking around at the young giantess in his rear.</p>
+
+<p>"Going to California&mdash;are they?" cried Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madam," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"If I catch Dove I'll wring his neck!" said the gigantic Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, father!" exclaimed Theodosia.</p>
+
+<p>"Come!" said Gideon, gruffly. "Yonder is the train!"</p>
+
+<p>The harsh scream of a steam whistle was heard, and a train of cars
+thundered up to the platform. Gideon Foot and his family went on board,
+and were followed by Toney and the Professor, who found Tom Seddon,
+seated in a car, looking pale and melancholy. After an exchange of
+salutations, poor Tom relapsed into silence, for he was thinking of Ida.
+Toney was also extremely taciturn, and hardly uttered a word until they
+reached the depot in the suburbs of the city. Here they took a carriage,
+and were driven directly to where the ship lay at the wharf, and went on
+board,&mdash;their arrangements having been made on a former visit to this
+beautiful metropolis of Maryland.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Foot and her three daughters proceeded to the residence of her
+sister, who lived in the city, and was the wife of a Mr. Sampson. Gideon
+and Hercules went in search of Love, Dove, and Bliss. In about an hour
+they encountered these three adventurous gold-hunters daintily dressed,
+with nice silk hats on their heads, and polished French leather on their
+lower extremities. Each had white kid gloves on his hands, and carried a
+slender cane, with which he occasionally tapped the toe of his boot.
+They looked like little bridegrooms going to be married.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-morning, Mr. Love," said Gideon, blandly.</p>
+
+<p>"I am glad to see you, Mr. Foot," said Love. And he and his two
+companions shook hands with Gideon and Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"You seem to be in a hurry," said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"The ship sails to-day, and we must be aboard," said Love.</p>
+
+<p>"Going to California?" said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p><p>"Yes; going to dig gold," said Love. And he and Dove tapped the toes of
+their boots with their little canes, while Bliss pulled off his new silk
+hat and smoothed his odoriferous locks.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules is going," said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you, indeed?" asked Love, looking up at Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Hercules, "as soon as I have bid my mother good-by."</p>
+
+<p>"Is Mrs. Foot in town?" inquired Love.</p>
+
+<p>"She is, and would be so glad to see you," said Gideon. "Come with us
+and bid Mrs. Foot good-by, and Hercules will go with you to the ship."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go and bid Mrs. Foot good-by," said Love, looking at his two companions.</p>
+
+<p>"We will go," said Dove.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go," said Bliss.</p>
+
+<p>"Come," said Gideon. And the three little men accompanied the gigantic
+father and son to the residence of Mrs. Sampson. They entered the house,
+and were conducted by Gideon, through a large front apartment, to a back
+parlor, which communicated, by a door, with a room in the rear.</p>
+
+<p>"Take seats, gentlemen," said Gideon. "Mrs. Foot will be with you in a moment."</p>
+
+<p>Gideon returned to the hall where Hercules was waiting.</p>
+
+<p>"Go fetch the parson," said Gideon. "Make haste!"</p>
+
+<p>Hercules hurried away, and Gideon returned to the back parlor and locked
+both doors. He then stood in the middle of the floor and elevated
+himself to his full height, so that his head almost seemed to touch the
+low ceiling, as he gazed sternly at Love, Dove, and Bliss, who sat on a
+sofa, and who now began to tremble.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here!" said Gideon, "I am a man of few words. Do you know what you
+have got to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" said Love, looking dreadfully frightened.</p>
+
+<p>"You three fellows have been hanging around my daughters for the last
+six months," said Gideon. "You have come to the house in the morning;
+you have come in the afternoon; you have come at all hours, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> the
+girls have had no time to do any household work on account of you. Even
+at night, when they were in bed, you would be under their windows making
+more noise than so many tomcats with your serenades. Now, what do you intend to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing," said little Love, very meekly.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing!" exclaimed the gigantic Gideon Foot. "Nothing! Just say that
+again and I will wring your neck! Come! I'll have no fooling! You have
+got to marry my three daughters!"</p>
+
+<p>The eyes of the three little men widely dilated, and were fixed on
+Gideon's towering form, but their tongues were silent; they were dumb with terror.</p>
+
+<p>"You have got just ten minutes to make up your minds. If you don't agree
+to marry my daughters, I will come back in ten minutes and wring your necks."</p>
+
+<p>Gideon left the room and locked the door.</p>
+
+<p>"What shall we do?" said Love.</p>
+
+<p>"He has locked the door," said Dove.</p>
+
+<p>"He'll murder us!" said Bliss.</p>
+
+<p>"We had better marry the young ladies," said Love.</p>
+
+<p>"You will take Cleopatra," said Dove.</p>
+
+<p>"And you will take Theodosia," said Love.</p>
+
+<p>"And Bliss will marry Sophonisba," said Dove.</p>
+
+<p>The three little men now held a hurried consultation, and were
+unanimously in favor of matrimony, when Gideon opened the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Your ten minutes are out," said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"We have agreed to be married," said Love.</p>
+
+<p>"Very good," said Gideon. "The parson is waiting in the front room, and
+I have the three licenses in my pocket. Which one do you marry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Cleopatra," said Love.</p>
+
+<p>Gideon went to the door opening into the back room, and unlocking it,
+put his head through and uttered a few words. Cleopatra came forth, blushing.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand up!" said Gideon to Love.</p>
+
+<p>Love arose from his seat trembling from head to foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Take her arm," said Gideon. "That's right. Now, come along!"</p>
+
+<p>Gideon opened the door, and Love walked with <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>Cleopatra into the front
+room, where stood the parson with his book open ready to make them man
+and wife. In a very brief space of time Love and Cleopatra were united
+in the holy bands of matrimony. The parson looked as if he expected to
+see the happy man salute his bride; but Love was unable to reach up, and
+Cleopatra did not bend down, and so this formality was not observed. The
+wedded pair walked into the back parlor, followed by Gideon, who turned
+to Dove and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Whom do you marry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Theodosia, if you please," said Dove, with meek resignation.</p>
+
+<p>At the summons of Gideon, Theodosia appeared and was united to Dove, and
+then Sophonisba was married to Bliss. Mrs. Foot then rushed from the
+back room and fondly embraced her daughters, and also her three little sons.</p>
+
+<p>"There, now," said Gideon, "we are through with the business. Are the
+carriages at the door?" asked he of Hercules, who went out to ascertain
+if they had arrived.</p>
+
+<p>"We will go home in the next train," said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't we go to California?" whimpered Love.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Gideon, "of course not. You must go home with your wives."</p>
+
+<p>"And be happy," said Mrs. Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules is going to California," said Gideon. "He can dig gold enough
+for the whole family."</p>
+
+<p>Hercules was standing in the street before the door, when Pate and
+Wiggins approached him.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you seen Mr. Love?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"He is in there," said Hercules, pointing to the house.</p>
+
+<p>"And Dove and Bliss?" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"In there with Love," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"We have been looking for them," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"The ship will sail in a few hours, and they should be on board," said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't think they are going," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Not going!" exclaimed Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I think not," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>Two carriages were now driven up, and stopped in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> front of the house.
+The door opened, and out came Love hanging on the arm of Cleopatra.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Love! Mr. Love!" exclaimed Pate, "the ship is about to sail and you
+should be on board. Come with us."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't go; I am married," said Love, with a look of despair.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along!" said Cleopatra. And she and her little husband entered one
+of the carriages.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" ejaculated Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Married!" exclaimed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Dove! Mr. Dove! you will be left!" cried Pate, as Theodosia led her
+husband down the steps.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't go; I am married," said poor Dove, as his wife conducted him to
+the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed, Mr. Bliss, you will be left behind!" said Pate, as Bliss and
+his bride descended the steps.</p>
+
+<p>"I can't go; I am married," said the little man, dolefully, as
+Sophonisba led him to the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>"All married!" exclaimed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"What does it mean?" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, Hercules," said Gideon.</p>
+
+<p>"God bless you, my son," said Mrs. Foot. And she threw her arms around
+his neck and kissed him.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by, father! good-by, mother!" said Hercules. And then he rushed to
+one of the carriages, and putting in his head, exclaimed, "Good-by,
+sisters! good-by, little brothers!"</p>
+
+<p>The three brides kissed Hercules and wept, while their husbands shook
+him by the hand. After many fond embraces and wishes for his welfare the
+carriages were driven off, leaving Hercules standing in the street, with
+Wiggins and Pate gazing up at him with looks of perplexity.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going to California?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I am," said the giant, wiping the tears from his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"And Love, Dove, and Bliss are not going?" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"No; they have married my sisters, and are going home to be happy," said
+Hercules. And he wiped away some more tears that came into his eyes.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p><p>"What made them marry your sisters?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I reckon it was because they loved them," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"They should have given us notice," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"We have lost three men from our company," said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Did my little brothers belong to your company?" asked Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"They did," said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"And have left us without giving notice," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you take me in their places?" said Hercules. "I can dig more gold
+than they could."</p>
+
+<p>"Will you join our company?" asked Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, if you will give me as much gold as my three little brothers were
+to get. I can do more digging than all three of them."</p>
+
+<p>"So he can," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"I have no doubt of it," said Pate, looking at the towering form and
+broad shoulders of the giant with enthusiastic admiration.</p>
+
+<p>After a brief conference, the proposition of Hercules was acceded to,
+and the three gold-hunters hurried on board the vessel, which was about
+to spread her white wings, and proceed on her way to the land where
+rivers were said to be rolling between banks of golden sands, which
+glittered in the last rays of the setting sun.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXVI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>As the ship moved away from the wharf, and was towed by the steam-tug
+into the stream, M. T. Pate stood upon the deck, humming a stanza of
+Byron's celebrated adieu to his native land, when he heard a strain of
+music as if coming from the clouds. From the foretop, in clear and
+mellifluous tones, was heard the following melody:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Farewell! farewell! but ever,</div>
+<div class="i1">When wand'ring o'er the sea,</div>
+<div>Though worlds of water sever,</div>
+<div class="i1">This heart shall turn to thee.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Though thy sweet smile be hidden</div>
+<div class="i1">Unto my soul so dear;</div>
+<div>Though I be then forbidden</div>
+<div class="i1">Thine angel voice to hear;</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Though stern fate bid me wander</div>
+<div class="i1">Away from thee afar,</div>
+<div>Yet hope will turn the fonder</div>
+<div class="i1">Unto its one bright star.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>The bird that on the bough, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">So sweetly sang of late,</div>
+<div>Hath often been ere now, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Thus driven from his mate;</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>But still he wakes his song, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Returning there anew;</div>
+<div>And thus, oh, thus, ere long, love,</div>
+<div class="i1">Will I return to you.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"A sweet little cherub sits up aloft to cheer us with his soothing
+symphony," said Professor to Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Tom Seddon," said Toney, glancing upward. "Just now he climbed up
+the rigging, inserted his person through the lubber's hole, and seated
+himself in the foretop."</p>
+
+<p>"Where he is laudably exercising his lungs for the entertainment of the
+company below," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span></p><p>"Poor Tom is not thinking of the company below," said Toney. "His
+thoughts are far away."</p>
+
+<p>"With Ida?" said the Professor. "Yet one of the company below seems to
+be wonderfully excited by his music. Did you ever hear such a clatter of hoofs?"</p>
+
+<p>"You refer to the young gentleman on the top of the cook's galley, who
+is occupied with certain saltatory movements which appear to be an
+awkward imitation of dancing?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is he?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Sam Perch," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The verdant youth who is sometimes called the Long Green Boy?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The same," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"This extraordinary lad seems to possess the chameleon-like faculty of
+occasionally changing his color," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He has ceased to be green for the present, and has become exceedingly <i>blue</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Is punning allowable?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"That depends entirely on circumstances," said the Professor. "If on dry
+land a man makes a pun in your presence, knock him down if you are able."</p>
+
+<p>"And at sea?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Pun away as much as you please. In Neptune's dominions the area of
+liberty is ample, and freedom of speech is seldom interfered with."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you recognize that solemn personage standing at the bow and gazing
+so intently over the broad waters?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Moses," said the Professor. "He hopes soon to get a glimpse of
+the land of promise."</p>
+
+<p>"I heard him tell Hercules just now that he only wanted four bushels of
+gold-dust,&mdash;two for himself and two for his father. He said that he
+expected to fill his two sacks in about a week after he reached the
+mines, and should then immediately start for home."</p>
+
+<p>"His absence will be of short duration," said the Professor. "But who is Hercules?"</p>
+
+<p>"The big fellow to whom Botts has just administered a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> potation from the
+black bottle which he now holds in his hand," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The giant smacks his lips in approval at the quality of the contents,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I certainly recognize that nose," said Toney, pointing to an individual
+whose face was covered with an impenetrable thicket of black beard,
+leaving only two twinkling eyes and his nasal protuberance visible.</p>
+
+<p>"That extraordinary nose belongs to William Wiggins," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"To Rosebud?"</p>
+
+<p>"No longer Rosebud," said the Professor. "As soon as he came on board
+the sailors called him Old Grizzly. He will be known by no other name at
+sea, for when the jolly tars are in the nominative case, the designation
+they give a man always clings to him. Hereafter we may as well cease to
+call him Wiggins, and speak of him as Old Grizzly."</p>
+
+<p>"He must have been at enmity with the barbers for the last four weeks," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"When he determined to seek his fortune in the auriferous regions of the
+far West, he made a solemn vow not to allow a razor to come in contact
+with his countenance until he had dug two barrels of gold, which he said
+was enough for any one man. So his beard must continue to grow longer
+until he gets his two barrels of gold."</p>
+
+<p>"It will be long enough before he gets the gold," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Pun away boldly," said the Professor; "we are now on the water. But
+come, let us go below, and look after our goods and chattels."</p>
+
+<p>During the night the ship anchored in the bay; and next morning the
+pilot was sent off, and she stood out to sea.</p>
+
+<p>Coming on deck at an early hour in the morning, Toney and the Professor
+were watching the silvery spray darting off from the bow, when they
+heard a singular sound, as if proceeding from some huge sea-monster
+seized with a fit of the colic. Looking along the bulwarks, they beheld
+poor Hercules, with outstretched neck and dilated eyes, pouring out
+libations to the inexorable god of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> seas. And soon, with pallid
+cheeks, M. T. Pate appeared, followed by the Long Green Boy, Old
+Grizzly, and Moses, who, with many others, silently glided to the side
+of the giant, who, as he stood thrusting out his head and neck with
+certain indescribable jerks, and towering above his companions, engaged
+in similar exercises, resembled some tall and bulky Shanghai rooster,
+with all his numerous progeny around him, grievously afflicted with that
+terrible visitation of the poultry-yard which hen-wives denominate the gapes.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor was a benevolent little fellow, with a high opinion of his
+medical skill; so he proceeded to the cabin, and brought forth a bottle
+containing a beverage much more potent than that in which Adam was
+accustomed to drink the health of Eve when in the garden of Eden. He
+first applied to Hercules; and holding the neck of the bottle in close
+proximity to his lips, earnestly exhorted him to try the infallible
+remedy of absorption, assuring him that it was a sovereign cure for his
+ailment in particular, as well as for nearly every other ill in this
+sublunary state of existence. But Hercules, grinning "horribly a ghastly
+grin," turned quickly away, and gave expression to his abhorrence of the
+proposition in loud and boisterous sounds, which seemed to come from the
+very bottom of a soul intimately acquainted with sorrow.</p>
+
+<p>The kind-hearted Professor then proceeded to the Long Green Boy, who was
+rapidly projecting out and drawing back his head in a horizontal
+direction, and giving utterance to a succession of sounds which
+resembled a small hurricane of hiccoughs. The verdant youth cast a look
+of disgust at the sparkling fluid, and waving his hand impatiently,
+turned away, and continued in the awkward but faithful performance of
+his part in the exercises of the morning. Moses gave the Professor a
+look of indignation, while Old Grizzly so far forgot himself as to
+advise the benevolent little fellow, in the emphatic phraseology usually
+employed by the sons of Belial, to locate himself in a certain remote
+quarter of the universe not proper to be mentioned to "ears polite."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor then entreated M. T. Pate to imbibe from the bottle
+containing his catholicon. But poor Pate was<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> busily engaged in the
+performance of sundry remarkable and difficult evolutions; thrusting out
+and drawing in his head with unexampled vigor.</p>
+
+<p>"He is trying to swallow his own head," said Toney, taking the Professor
+aside and pointing to Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"And actually seems to entertain the most sanguine hopes of succeeding
+in his hazardous undertaking," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What undertaking?" asked Tom Seddon, who just then came on deck.</p>
+
+<p>"He is seeking to swallow his own cocoanut," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Who?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Look at him! I am apprehensive that
+he will succeed."</p>
+
+<p>"You could not induce any of them to imbibe?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the Professor; "they are teetotalers, and Hercules is the
+President of the association. Come, let me introduce you to the
+amphibious animals who inhabit the forecastle."</p>
+
+<p>The Professor and his two friends walked forward, and saw seated on the
+anchor an old sea-monster, with a very short pipe in his mouth. His
+original name was Timothy; but several reefs had been taken in it by his
+shipmates, and it had been finally tucked up into Tim.</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon, like most young lovers who have just parted from the objects
+of their affections, had a tender heart, and, pitying the old sailor
+reduced to the necessity of endangering the end of his nose when he
+performed the important ceremony of fumigation, handed him a pipe with a long stem.</p>
+
+<p>Old Tim examined this valuable present with a cool glance of criticism;
+and then proceeded to break the stem.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't," said Tom. "What are you doing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Too much timber!" said the old tar, laconically. And he broke off the
+stem within an inch of the bowl, which he filled with chips from a plug
+of tobacco; putting on top a live coal procured from the cook's galley.</p>
+
+<p>"That beats thunder!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Let him alone," said the Professor. "If he wants<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> to give his proboscis
+the benefit of an auto da fe, it is his own business."</p>
+
+<p>"Look at him!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"His nasal protuberance enveloped in vapor looks like an altar
+abundantly supplied with incense," said the Professor. "But who are
+those dusky gentlemen with whom Toney seems to be so intimate?"</p>
+
+<p>"This one is from the island of Madeira," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Si, se&ntilde;or," said the sailor.</p>
+
+<p>"His name is Pedro," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Which being interpreted is Peter," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Pete," said Old Tim, with a puff at his pipe.</p>
+
+<p>"Probably that is a corruption of the text," said the Professor, suggestively.</p>
+
+<p>"And here is a Sardinian whose name is Pablo," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Which when translated is Paul," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Jupiter!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, jumping back.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Jupiter's brother," said the Professor, as a huge head appeared
+over the bow, followed by an immense body, which had been down in the
+forechains. "Neptune is coming on board to give you a fraternal hug."</p>
+
+<p>"Old Nick!" said Tim, with another puff at his short pipe.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Nick?" said the Professor. "I was not aware that he was an aquatic
+animal. I had always understood that he delighted to dwell in another element."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is that lad running down the rigging?" said Tom to Timothy.</p>
+
+<p>"Young Nick," said the salt, with another puff at his pipe.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Nick and Young Nick!" said the Professor. "Undoubtedly these are
+nicknames bestowed on them for euphony."</p>
+
+<p>"What port is that?" asked Tim, taking the pipe from his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>"It lies on the south side of the Anonymous Islands," said the
+Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been there," said Old Nick. "Sailed with Captain Morrell in the
+ship Tartar. Good port. Rum cheap and tobacco plenty."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p><p>"I have no doubt of it," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat
+on a coil of rope, and, at the sound of the steward's bell summoning
+them to breakfast, walked with Toney and Tom to the cabin.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXVII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Look at M. T. Pate," said Tom Seddon, as he sat with Toney and the
+Professor on deck one morning, about a week after they had been at sea.</p>
+
+<p>The ship was running at the rate of nine knots, with the wind on the quarter.</p>
+
+<p>"He treads as tremulously as a turkey condemned to the ordeal of
+tripping over a liberal sprinkling of hot ashes," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Getting his sea-legs," said Old Tim, as he toddled by with a rope in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Our venerable friend suggests that Pate is about to undergo a
+metamorphosis and become amphibious," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What are Wiggins and Botts doing yonder?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Hugging!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"The hug of the Old Grizzly is dangerous," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And Perch and Hercules seem to have fraternized," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The Long Green Boy is clinging to the giant as the vine clings to the
+oak," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Moses!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Look at him!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"His eyes are amply dilated," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"He is afraid that the ship will be upset," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you think that Pate would now perform on the light fantastic toe?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Speaking of that suggests an idea," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span></p><p>"Next Thursday will be Washington's birthday," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us have a ball," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"A ball!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A ball!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Professor, "let us have a ball for the fun of the thing."</p>
+
+<p>"We are the Funny Philosophers," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us have the ball," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"But where are the ladies?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"There are no representatives of these sweet 'wingless angels' on board
+except the captain's spouse," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Who has sailed in company with her weather-beaten consort for some
+twenty years," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And is as good a seaman as himself," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Do not be tossing the queen's English on the horns of an Irish bull,"
+said the Professor. "Yet what you say is measurably true; for when the
+venerable Timothy is more than ordinarily sad and susceptible of
+melancholy impressions, he is often heard to bitterly complain of his
+hard lot in being compelled to serve under a 'she boss,' who, he
+alleges, is the better man of the two."</p>
+
+<p>"I have no doubt," said Tom, "of the ability of this ancient lady to
+carry the ship safely through the dangers of the most difficult navigation."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Toney, "I hardly suppose that she would be able to steer
+through the intricate mazes of a fashionable hop without the imminent
+danger of running aground."</p>
+
+<p>"Yet," said the Professor, "her presence on board relieves us from a perplexing dilemma."</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"There can be no doubt," said the Professor, "that in sundry sea-chests
+she has stowed away an incalculable quantity of female attire. Now, if I
+can but obtain the run of her wardrobe, the preparations for the ball
+will be made without difficulty."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us call a meeting in the cabin," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A most excellent suggestion!" said the Professor. "Let the meeting be
+immediately convened."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span></p><p>A meeting of the passengers resulted in a determination to have a grand
+ball in honor of the birthday of the immortal Washington, and the
+Professor was unanimously chosen to make the arrangements. He
+immediately entered upon the performance of his arduous and important
+duties. After a negotiation, which was conducted on his part with the
+skill of a consummate diplomatist, he succeeded in concluding an
+advantageous treaty with the captain's lady, and obtained an abundant
+supply of female apparel. A number of the most youthful of the
+passengers were then subjected to a tonsorial operation, obliterating
+every indication of a nascent beard from their features; after which
+they were arrayed in the garments obtained from the old lady's wardrobe.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't they look beautiful?" said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Just like a bevy of blushing and modest maidens," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The susceptible Long Green Boy has fallen in love with one of them
+already," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I fear that he will again be the victim of a hopeless attachment," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I regret the absence of Love and Dove," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What nice little ladies they would have made!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Their dancing days are over," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Matrimony imposes important duties," said the Professor; "and the
+little Loves and Doves will soon claim their undivided attention."</p>
+
+<p>The ball-room was a long apartment, under the forecastle, called the
+forward cabin. It was illuminated by a number of lamps, which "shone
+o'er fair women and brave men" assembled to enjoy that "scene of revelry by night."</p>
+
+<p>"Look at Moses!" said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"The young man seems to be greatly terrified," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"He is like one under an optical illusion," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Moses believes he is now in the presence of more than a dozen beautiful
+women," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"And has shrunk timidly in a corner to avoid the observation of the
+enemy," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p><p>"He has attracted the attention of a young maiden who has fixed her
+bright glances on him, as if meditating mischief," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"She is a bold girl," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Strangely forgetful of the obvious rules of propriety!" said the
+Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Moses is protesting," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"But in vain; for she has grappled him around the waist," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"And is carrying him by main force into the middle of the floor," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Was ever such vigor witnessed among virgins!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Never since the extinction of the Amazonian race!" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Moses and his partner lead off," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Clear the way!" said Tom, as each gayly attired gallant selected a
+partner; and soon "the fun grew fast and furious."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate seems to be perfectly at home in the dance," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And so does the Long Green Boy," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Grizzly is performing his part admirably," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He is peeping from behind a masked battery of black beard upon the
+charms of his agreeable partner," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The young lady should beware of his hug," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"The pair forcibly remind one of the old story of Beauty and the Beast,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules and the damsel with whom he is dancing require an immense
+amount of sea-room," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Heads up!" exclaimed Tom. And, as he uttered this exclamation, the
+ship, which had been running on an even keel, gave a sudden lurch to the
+larboard, upsetting all the fun in an instant, and spoiling the poetry of motion.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"Ah, then and there was hurrying to and fro,"</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>and Hercules pitched headforemost with his partner into<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> a bunk. The
+indignant damsel arose and gave utterance to a wish the literal
+fulfillment of which would have found Hercules, poor fellow! sadly in
+need of the aid of an experienced oculist.</p>
+
+<p>After the ceremony of a general prostration there was a tumultuous rush
+for the companion-ladder. The Professor reached the deck, after having
+inadvertently perpetrated the atrocious outrage of tearing away a
+considerable portion of female finery from the person of a fair damsel
+who was boldly mounting ahead, and who bestowed upon him sundry
+benedictions of singular import. The first object he beheld was M. T.
+Pate on his knees in an attitude of supplication.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" exclaimed the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Now I lay me down to sleep!" ejaculated Pate, with extreme fervor.</p>
+
+<p>"What has happened?" cried Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Now I lay me down to sleep!" reiterated Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"No time for praying! You had better cut your yarn short and lay hold on
+a rope," said the mate, in emphatic terms by no means in unison with
+Pate's devotional sentiments.</p>
+
+<p>"What's broke loose?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The ship has been taken aback!" cried the mate. And he rushed forward
+and commenced kicking old Tim, who was lying supinely on his back in a
+condition of somnolency.</p>
+
+<p>The crew had been inspired with patriotic emotions equal to those of the
+passengers, and, while getting up water from below, had discovered a
+case of brandy, and secretly conveyed it to the forecastle. Here the
+multitude of libations in honor of the father of his country had been
+productive of serious consequences.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of the evening the mate saw approaching one of those
+sudden squalls so common in those latitudes, and ordered all hands
+aloft. But he might as well have been issuing his orders to the inmates
+of a bedlam. There lay Timothy on the deck, a picture of perfect repose
+and innocent tranquillity. Peter and Paul were engaged in a hot
+controversy with Old Nick, whose<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> youthful namesake was occupied with
+certain saltatory movements on the top of the forecastle. Just then the
+squall struck the ship and nearly carried the lee-rail under. In an
+instant the instincts of the sailor were aroused, and all had an idea
+that something was to be done; but there was a strange want of unanimity
+in reference to the measures proper to be adopted. Forth rushed the
+captain from his cabin; but his occupation was gone. There stood Old
+Nick, giving orders vociferously, evidently under the impression that he
+had been recently promoted and was an admiral of the <i>blue</i>. This daring
+usurper was finally disposed of by the second mate, who put himself in
+the attitude of a shoulder-striker and laid him at his length in an
+undignified position in the lee-scupper.</p>
+
+<p>It was then that the dancers from the ball-room rushed upon deck.
+These&mdash;ladies and all&mdash;laid hold on the ropes; and under the direction
+of the officers the canvas was taken in, and the vessel was relieved
+from her perilous situation and brought before the wind.</p>
+
+<p>"Great praise is due to the petticoats," said the Professor, "who, by
+laying aside their modesty and climbing into the rigging, materially
+assisted in saving the ship."</p>
+
+<p>"The women have behaved like men," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us drink their health," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That proposition is carried unanimously," said Toney. And they
+proceeded to the cabin and toasted the ladies over a bottle of wine.</p>
+
+<hr /><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXVIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating upon the immensity of the
+water contained in the ocean," said the Professor, one afternoon, as he
+pointed to Pate, who was leaning over the bulwarks apparently in a
+condition of mental abstraction.</p>
+
+<p>"It is probable that he is now calculating how long a period it would
+take to pump the Atlantic dry," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Land ho!" cried a loud voice in the direction of the forecastle.</p>
+
+<p>There was a general rush forward at this announcement; and on the bow
+stood Peter, pointing with extended arm to some object which he asserted
+was land. But nobody could see it except himself; and Moses soon became
+skeptical, and finally declared that the fellow was a fool. This he
+demonstrated from the fact that Peter kept pointing to a dim cloud,
+about as big as the crown of his hat, with the absurd affirmation that
+it was <i>terra firma</i>. The opinion of Moses was warmly supported by M. T.
+Pate and others, who promulgated it with considerable emphasis. But
+Peter still stood at his post pointing prophetically afar off, and he
+now had Old Nick at his elbow, who stoutly corroborated all that he had uttered.</p>
+
+<p>In the mean while the vessel, borne along by the breeze, kept steadily
+on her way, and the little cloud loomed larger on the horizon, and
+gradually grew more and more distinct. The almost imperceptible shade
+deepened into a substantial blue, and finally brightened into a
+beautiful green, and Cape Frio became plainly visible.</p>
+
+<p>The prospect of soon getting on shore caused much excitement in the
+cabin, after supper, and considerable conviviality.</p>
+
+<p>After partaking of several glasses of wine, the Professor turned to
+Toney and Tom, and gravely remarked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span></p><p>"We are informed, by the highest authority on the subject, that there
+is a very great difference between <i>ebrius</i> and <i>ebriolus</i>. It is not
+becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to be anything more than
+<i>ebriolus</i>. Let us leave these devotees of Bacchus to their orgies in
+honor of the god of the grape, and go upon deck."</p>
+
+<p>"Come!" said Toney. "I have no wish to carry a headache on shore with me to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor I," said Tom, ascending the companion-ladder.</p>
+
+<p>They walked forward until they came to the cook's galley, when the
+Professor stopped suddenly and exclaimed, pointing to a hog which had
+been butchered and hung up with its head downward,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Here has been a bloody deed!"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a homicide?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"No; a suicide," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Let your puns be in plain English," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Latin puns are too obscure," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon must atone for this offense by doing penance," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"In what way?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"You must immediately climb into the rigging and run a rope around the
+foretop-gallant yard," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What's your purpose?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"To suspend this deceased porker from the masthead," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"We will have fun," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Fun is the true philosophy of life," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Tom did as directed, and in a few moments the porker rapidly ascended
+and was lashed to the masthead. The Professor then walked to the bow,
+where was seated Old Nick, telling a wonderful yarn to Tim, who was smoking his pipe.</p>
+
+<p>"On the Gold Coast six months. The niggers brought us gold-dust in
+quills. One day their duke died."</p>
+
+<p>"Have the negroes dukes among them?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Their head-man. They put all his wives and slaves in a pen."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span></p><p>"What for?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"To knock them on the head and bury them with the duke. Never heard such
+howling. One nigger jumped over the pen, ran down to the shore, and swam
+to the ship. They came around in canoes after him. Captain told me to
+throw him overboard. Had to obey orders. They took him ashore and
+knocked him on the head with clubs. Next night I was on the beach.
+Something jumped right up before me and grinned in my face. Looked like
+the big nigger I had pitched overboard."</p>
+
+<p>"I thought they had knocked him on the head," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"His ghost. It gave a whoop and jumped clean over my head, and then
+jumped back again."</p>
+
+<p>"Like a circus-rider," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Kept jumping back and forth over my head, whooping and grinning. I got
+mad, and struck at it with a stick. Jerked stick from my hand and beat
+me over the back with it. I grabbed at the tarnal ghost, and if I could
+have got a grip on it I'd downed it. Couldn't hold it; got scared."</p>
+
+<p>"No wonder," said Toney. "Any man would have been scared with this great
+ugly bugaboo whooping and yelling, and jumping backward and forward over
+his head, and beating him with his own cane."</p>
+
+<p>"Ran for the boat. Ghost followed me. Priest had come ashore in the boat
+with a bottle of holy water in his pocket. He flung it in the critter's
+face, when it gave a whoop and vamosed."</p>
+
+<p>"You infernal thieves!" said the cook, coming forward with a large
+butcher's knife in his hand and confronting the sailors, "what have you
+done with my hog?"</p>
+
+<p>"Didn't touch your hog," said Old Nick.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be lying there," said the ireful cook. "You have stolen that hog
+and hid it in the forecastle. Not a taste of lobscouse will you lubbers
+get until you give up my hog. I'll cut off your rations, you blasted
+rogues! I'd like to see one of you get any duff for his dinner on
+Sundays, after this."</p>
+
+<p>The sailors were alarmed, for the cook is the great man on shipboard.
+They humbly protested their innocence,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> but were sternly denounced as
+liars and thieves who had stolen the porker, intended for the
+passengers' dinner, and hidden it in the forecastle. As the cook was
+brandishing his knife, and growing more violent in his denunciations, he
+was startled by hearing loud squeals overhead. The sounds were like the
+shrill cries of a large hog which was having a knife plunged into his throat.</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder!" exclaimed Tom.</p>
+
+<p>The cook and the sailors gazed upward with looks of amazement.</p>
+
+<p>There was a reiteration of loud squeals. The cook dropped his knife and
+ran into his galley. The sailors fled with precipitation, until they
+reached the quarter-deck. Tom Seddon stood gazing upward, while Toney
+whispered to the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Professor, "a faculty occasionally exercised. It must be
+a profound secret."</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I tell Tom?"</p>
+
+<p>"Whisper it to him, and warn him to be reticent."</p>
+
+<p>Toney whispered to Tom, who nodded his head and seemed to comprehend.</p>
+
+<p>"You lying lubbers!" said the mate, coming forward, followed by the
+sailors. "Telling your yarns about a hog in the&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Here there was a succession of loud squeals from the masthead. The hog
+seemed to be in great agony. The sailors fled to the stern, and the mate
+rushed into the captain's cabin. The captain came forward. The squeals
+were louder and more prolonged. The mate trembled and turned pale.</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" said the captain.</p>
+
+<p>"The cook killed a hog and hung it alongside his galley, and the devil
+has carried it up there!" said the mate, pointing to the masthead.</p>
+
+<p>"The devil is in the habit of getting into hogs," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He once got into a whole herd of swine," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"There is Scripture for that," said the mate.</p>
+
+<p>"I must have that hog down," said the captain.
+"Here&mdash;Nick&mdash;Tim&mdash;Peter&mdash;Paul! up to the masthead and lower the hog!"</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span></p><p>Not a man would stir. The crew loudly swore that they would not go up
+there for any captain that ever trod a quarter-deck.</p>
+
+<p>"You go up," said the captain to the mate.</p>
+
+<p>"Nary time," said the mate. "My business is to navigate the ship,&mdash;not
+to fight the devil. You go up."</p>
+
+<p>The captain laid hold on a rope, and was about to ascend, when loud
+squeals were heard, and cries of "Murder! murder! murder!" from the
+masthead. The captain let go his hold and fell on the deck.</p>
+
+<p>"There are more than a dozen devils up there!" shouted the mate.</p>
+
+<p>"What's to be done?" said the captain, rising on his feet and looking aghast.</p>
+
+<p>"Let them alone until we get into port, and then hire a lot of priests
+to sprinkle the ship with holy water," said the mate.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll have her swabbed with barrels of holy water!" exclaimed the captain.</p>
+
+<p>"Thank God, it is daylight," said the mate.</p>
+
+<p>It was now morning, and the ship sailed on, and was soon abreast of the
+castle of Santa Cruz.</p>
+
+<p>"American ship ahoy!" was shouted through a trumpet from the ramparts.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" was the response from the deck.</p>
+
+<p>"How many days did you come from?"</p>
+
+<p>"Baltimore&mdash;forty-two."</p>
+
+<p>"All right!" And the vessel glided along, and, passing the Sugar-Loaf,
+soon anchored in the spacious and beautiful harbor of the Brazilian
+metropolis, with the hog at her masthead.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XXXIX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Why does your captain carry that hog at his masthead?"</p>
+
+<p>This question was asked by a midshipman who came alongside in a boat and
+was recognized by Toney and the Professor as a former acquaintance. They
+and Tom Seddon were seated in the boat and about to go ashore.</p>
+
+<p>"Every man has his idiosyncrasies," said the Professor. "Van Tromp
+sailed through the British Channel with a broom at his masthead; and our
+captain never enters a harbor without a hog hanging on his
+foretop-gallant yard."</p>
+
+<p>"Van Tromp's broom was a symbol of victory," said the young officer.</p>
+
+<p>"And our captain's hog is a symbol of good living," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"He wishes to have it known that, while other vessels come into port on
+short rations, he carries an abundance of grub wherever he goes," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He must be an eccentric old codger," said the middy.</p>
+
+<p>"He is, indeed," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Here we are," said the middy. And he sprang on shore, followed by his
+three friends, whose sea-legs were of very little use to them; for they
+staggered about as if they had freely participated in the conviviality
+of the preceding night and still sensibly felt its effects. They managed
+at length to waddle along with the earth apparently rocking and rolling
+under their feet, and finally reached Pharoux's Hotel in Palace Square,
+where comfortable quarters were secured.</p>
+
+<p>On the following morning the Professor, in company with his three
+friends and M. T. Pate, walked forth into the Square. As they passed in
+front of the Palace, the negro sentinel, with a staid demeanor, was
+pacing to and fro, while squads of his sable comrades lounged around,
+like lazy black dogs, basking in the sun.</p>
+
+<p>"Look at that gigantic American standing among the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> Brazilian soldiers
+who seem like pigmies by comparison," said the midshipman.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Hercules," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Or Goliath of Gath," said the midshipman. "Do you know him?"</p>
+
+<p>"He came out in our ship," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"If your captain carried many such giants on board, I wonder that he had
+a spare porker to hang at his masthead."</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules seems to be on terms of intimacy with those <i>black guards</i> of
+the House of Braganza," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"No punning now, if you please; we are on land," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"But on foreign land, where the points of our puns cannot be perceived
+by the natives," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Your apology is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us see what Hercules is going to do," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>They approached, and stood in close proximity to the tail of his coat.
+He had taken a musket from the hands of a grinning Brazilian of African
+descent, and, pointing to the flint lock, with a sagacious shake of his
+noddle, informed him that he was far behind the age; at the same time
+expatiating on the manifest superiority of the percussion principle. To
+the instruction of this able tactician the soldiers, although unable to
+comprehend a word of English, seemed to be listening with profound
+attention, when a loud laugh from Toney and Tom interrupted this
+morning's first lesson.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of their wandering through the town they came to a
+navy-yard, where they saw several vessels in an interesting condition of
+rottenness. While examining these hulks, an astonishing confusion of
+tongues was heard in their rear; and, turning around, they beheld a
+fellow as black as Beelzebub, who wore an officer's uniform and was
+endeavoring to hold a colloquy with M. T. Pate, who listened and replied
+with an amiable condescension; but, as neither understood a word that
+was addressed to him, the utterance of each was an enigma to the other.
+The Professor winked at Toney, and then gravely remarked,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> "Mr. Pate,
+this negro is doubtless begging for a dump,"&mdash;a huge copper coin of the
+value of several cents, which the Brazilians have invented for the
+convenience of commerce.</p>
+
+<p>Pate, who in his own country was of Southern birth and accustomed to
+negroes solely in a menial capacity, drew forth a ponderous dump from
+his pocket, and bestowing it upon the officer of his Imperial Majesty
+with a benevolent smile, went on his way, leaving the object of his
+benefaction astounded by this evidence of his generosity.</p>
+
+<p>As they proceeded up a street they encountered a pair of sturdy Africans
+carrying a sedan-chair attached to a couple of poles. Its sides were
+surrounded with gaudy curtains, for the protection of the timid se&ntilde;orita
+seated within from the bold gaze of the common multitude. Walking behind
+it were Botts, Old Grizzly, and the Long Green Boy, who appeared to have
+attached themselves to the procession as a committee of investigation;
+while, ranging up alongside, like a vigilant cruiser about to overhaul a
+suspicious craft in quest of a contraband cargo, was the adventurous
+Moses in a prodigious state of excitement, staring at the object of his
+amazement with dilated eyes, in blissful ignorance of his dangerous
+proximity to a petticoat. But great was his consternation when informed
+that there was a young lady behind the curtain. He started back with a
+terrified expression; and the Professor afterwards said that had not his
+limbs failed him, and his knees come in collision, like bones in the
+hands of an Ethiopian serenader, they would have been entertained with
+the sight of a desperate fugitive darting up the street with the caudal
+appendage to his coat taking a horizontal projection as he hurried along.</p>
+
+<p>Having during the day visited various localities in the city, they
+returned to the hotel, and on the following morning proceeded on an
+expedition to the Imperial gardens. They rode in a huge omnibus drawn by
+four couples of mules, and navigated by four adventurous natives, each
+seated on the back of one of the animals, with prodigious rowels on his
+heels, which seemed to indicate a ruthless determination to gore out the
+vitals of the beast if he showed the least signs of a refractory
+disposition, and dared to dispute the supremacy of the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> rider. Under the
+shade of cocoa- and coffee-trees they rumbled over the road, and at
+length arrived at the gates of the gardens.</p>
+
+<p>This inclosure, equal in area to a large farm, was cultivated with great
+care and filled with every variety of flowers and fruitage. At
+intervals, among the trees, were fanciful little tenements for the
+accommodation of those whose business it was to plant and to prune.</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon became poetic, and declared that they had discovered a
+paradise in which an Adam and Eve were probably then dwelling in
+immortal youth and innocence.</p>
+
+<p>After exploring the gardens for several hours, the Professor seated
+himself in a beautiful arbor, and, while the gorgeous butterflies and
+birds of variegated and magnificent plumage were flitting around him, he
+sang:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The op'ning rose doth brightly glow</div>
+<div class="i1">With pearly dews of even,</div>
+<div>Like a fragment fall'n from yonder bow,</div>
+<div class="i1">Which hangeth like Hope in the heaven.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>And gayly on a golden wing,</div>
+<div class="i1">At the sweet evening hour,</div>
+<div>The humming-bird comes like a fairy thing</div>
+<div class="i1">To flit round the beautiful flower.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Oh, be not like that humming-bird</div>
+<div class="i1">Around the sweet rose roving,</div>
+<div>That is ling'ring there, while e'er is heard</div>
+<div class="i1">The breezes of summer moving,</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>But when the chilly blast has blown</div>
+<div class="i1">And wint'ry storms are brewing,</div>
+<div>He flieth away to a milder zone,</div>
+<div class="i1">And leaveth it then to its ruin;</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Be like that bird we oft have seen,</div>
+<div class="i1">Whose mellow notes were ringing</div>
+<div>Among the willows when all was green,</div>
+<div class="i1">And flowers around us were springing.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>And when those boughs are all stript bare,</div>
+<div class="i1">By wint'ry storms o'ertaken,</div>
+<div>That faithful bird is still ling'ring there,</div>
+<div class="i1">Nor hath ever that spot forsaken.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"A song from Mr. Seddon," cried the Professor, as he concluded his own
+melody. Tom sang as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span><div>Though many days have vanished</div>
+<div class="i1">Since last I sighed adieu,</div>
+<div>Yet time has never banished</div>
+<div class="i1">The love I feel for you:</div>
+<div>Though many leagues now sever,</div>
+<div>Yet I forget thee never;&mdash;</div>
+<div>True love grows the stronger</div>
+<div>As it endures the longer.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Though absence bringeth sorrow</div>
+<div class="i1">Upon the soul like night,</div>
+<div>Yet on that night a morrow</div>
+<div class="i1">Shall shed its golden light,&mdash;</div>
+<div>And hope's lone star shall burn, love,</div>
+<div>Brightly till I return, love,</div>
+<div>And in thy smile discover</div>
+<div>That night's last gloom is over.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Poor Tom is thinking of Ida," said the Professor, in a whisper to
+Toney, as Tom turned aside and furtively wiped away a tear that stood in his eye.</p>
+
+<p>"How can he help thinking of her?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And Rosabel?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you suppose," said Toney, "that I ever forget her? I am mirthful,
+for it does not become a true man to be moody and melancholy. But I never forget."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor does it become one of the Funny Philosophers to sport with such
+feelings," said the Professor, visibly affected. "I do not forget Dora."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you not?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; though she has long since forgotten me," said the Professor, sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"A song from Mr. Perch," exclaimed a voice in the crowd, and in
+plaintive tones the Long Green Boy gave utterance to the following melody:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Oh, give me now the heart that thou once stole away from me</div>
+<div>When list'ning to thy treacherous vow beneath the greenwood tree;</div>
+<div>The flowers then bloomed above the ground, fanned by the breath of spring;</div>
+<div>The humming-bird was sporting round upon a purple wing.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>The gentle May hath passed away, the rose-leaves all are dead;</div>
+<div>That faithless humming-bird so gay on wanton wing hath fled,</div>
+<div>Nor cometh there to mourn their fate, but seeks a southern sun;</div>
+<div>And thou hast left me desolate, thou false and cruel one.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span></p><p>"Perch is thinking of the beautiful Imogen and the scene in Colonel
+Hazlewood's garden," said Toney to the Professor. "Neither you nor he
+seem to have a very favorable opinion of the humming-bird."</p>
+
+<p>"The little creature always reminds one of a fickle beauty, and Perch
+and I are forsaken lovers; each having felt the full force of a
+negative. But what is Hercules about to do?"</p>
+
+<p>The giant had seated himself under the shade of a blooming bough, and
+for the first, and probably for the last time, until translated to a
+happier sphere, was endeavoring to give vent to the blissful emotions of
+his soul by attempting the execution of a difficult piece of music; in
+stentorian tones invoking a certain Susannah and imploring her on no
+account to weep for him. As with the voice of a Cyclops, at the close of
+each stanza, he bellowed forth,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"Oh, Susannah! don't you cry for me!</div>
+<div>I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>the whole party gathered around him and listened in breathless wonder.
+At length the Professor remarked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What a pity it is that Susannah is not now present!"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think she would stop her crying?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I imagine she would," said the Professor. "Unless the young lady's
+perception of the ludicrous is very obtuse, I cannot help thinking that
+the musical invocation of Hercules would have the desired effect."</p>
+
+<p>"Will that big fellow never cease his bellowing?" asked the midshipman.</p>
+
+<p>"Not until he has sung the last verse," said Tom Seddon; "and the song
+is longer than the ninety-seventh selection of Psalms as versified by
+Sternhold and Hopkins."</p>
+
+<p>"He has already finished a multitude of staves," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Enough to make himself a butt," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"That is an atrocious pun," said Toney; "and perpetrated on dry land."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p><p>"But on foreign land, and in the Emperor's gardens," said the
+Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Very true," said Toney; "you escape with impunity; being on Brazilian soil."</p>
+
+<p>"Let us be off!" said Tom Seddon; "the sun is getting low."</p>
+
+<p>"And come back for Hercules to-morrow. We will find him concluding the
+last stanza," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Will he sing all night?" asked the midshipman.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules has great powers of endurance," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Come!" said Tom Seddon. And the party started for the omnibus; when
+Hercules arose and followed, still singing his interminable melody.</p>
+
+<p>The sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the full moon had arisen
+in all her magnificence long before they reached the suburbs of the
+city. As they rode along listening to the chimes of the church bells,
+which in Catholic countries are sounding every evening, the voice of
+Hercules was heard, at intervals, bellowing forth,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"The bulgine burst, the horse run off; I thought I'd surely die!</div>
+<div>I shut my eyes to hold my breath; Susannah, don't you cry!</div>
+<div>Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me!</div>
+<div>I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XL.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Upon returning to the city, M. T. Pate met with a misfortune, which gave
+him sad affliction when he afterwards came to reflect upon his folly. He
+had throughout the whole course of his life been a very temperate man,
+and on Sundays was exceedingly pious. But he and Hercules were now
+seduced by a party of dissolute fellows, who kept them in a state of
+inebriation for several days. In fact, Hercules got profoundly
+intoxicated, and continued in that condition until he was carried on
+board the ship when she was about to sail; while Pate became <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>boisterous
+and broke a number of goblets and decanters, and even challenged the
+proprietor of the hotel to a pugilistic combat. The latter earnestly
+implored the interposition of Toney Belton, who, upon going to Pate's
+room, found him standing in the midst of a number of boon-companions,
+with a bottle in his grasp, making as much noise as was possible by
+bellowing forth the following bacchanalian melody:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The ruby wine sparkles so bright in the bowl,</div>
+<div class="i1">To pleasure it seems to invite;</div>
+<div>And, by heavens, I vow he's a pitiful soul</div>
+<div class="i1">Who scorneth our revels to night.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Let sages discourse on the follies of man,</div>
+<div class="i1">And learnedly talk of his woes;</div>
+<div>But boys, we'll be happy whilever we can,&mdash;</div>
+<div class="i1">So toss off the goblet!&mdash;here goes!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Oh, why should we mourn o'er the sorrows of earth,</div>
+<div class="i1">And turn from its pleasures away?</div>
+<div>He's wiser by far who turns sorrow to mirth,</div>
+<div class="i1">And tastes of life's joys while he may.</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>When all that the sages have taught is summed up,</div>
+<div class="i1">Can it lessen one moment our woes?</div>
+<div>Oh, no! but they linger not over the cup,&mdash;</div>
+<div class="i1">So toss off the goblet!&mdash;here goes!</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>When this song was concluded, Toney began to express his astonishment at
+Pate's conduct, but his voice was soon drowned by several fellows loudly singing,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Silvery dews are falling lightly,</div>
+<div>Golden stars are twinkling brightly,</div>
+<div>Now's the hour when Pleasure greets us,</div>
+<div>Round the festive board she meets us,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"But, Mr. Pate, you will be sorry for this when&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Farewell now to care and sorrow!</div>
+<div>They our moments ne'er shall borrow;&mdash;</div>
+<div>We, the joyous sons of folly,</div>
+<div>Leave to sages melancholy,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span></p><p>"Yes, this is fine fun," said Toney; "but after awhile you will have
+trouble, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>If the ills of life surround us,</div>
+<div>If misfortune's arrows wound us,</div>
+<div>Still a balm we may discover</div>
+<div>In the bumper running over,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"By heavens, you ought to have a strait-jacket!" said Toney. "Ain't you
+a pretty picture?&mdash;standing there with your coat off and your breeches
+rent in the rear! I wish some of the ladies whom you used to be making
+love to could now see&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Cupid is a treacherous urchin,</div>
+<div>With his darts each bosom searching;</div>
+<div>If we've false and cruel found him,</div>
+<div>On the bumper's brim we'll drown him,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Pate, you'll be singing another song to-morrow, when&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Fortune, whom we've trusted blindly,</div>
+<div>She may deal with us unkindly;</div>
+<div>At her freaks we're lightly laughing,</div>
+<div>As the bright wine we are quaffing,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"You are as crazy as a bedlamite!" exclaimed Toney, "When you come to
+your senses, you will consider this the greatest misfortune that&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Glorious rainbows, shine forever</div>
+<div>O'er misfortune's clouds, and never</div>
+<div>Fade away from a good fellow</div>
+<div>In his glasses growing mellow,</div>
+<div>When we mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Well, go ahead!" said Toney, turning on his heels. "Go ahead, if you
+think there is no hereafter&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>Give the night to song and laughter,&mdash;</div>
+<div>Care may come, perchance, hereafter;</div>
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span><div>We will linger till the morning</div>
+<div>Smileth with a rosy warning,</div>
+<div>When we'll mingle heart and soul</div>
+<div>O'er a flowing, parting bowl.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Pate continued to conduct himself in this outrageous manner,
+notwithstanding the repeated and earnest remonstrances of his friends,
+until the morning on which the vessel was to sail, when the Professor
+found him, with a rueful countenance, sitting on the stool of
+repentance. They proceeded to the office of the hotel to settle their bills.</p>
+
+<p>In Brazil they have an imaginary coin, corresponding to the mill of our
+decimal currency, in which, when making out a bill, they compute the
+amount, putting before the sum charged the identical mark which is
+prefixed to the Federal dollar, so that a stranger, whose debit is ten
+dollars, sees on the bill $10.000. The Professor was aware of this mode
+of computation, but M. T. Pate was not. The latter was therefore utterly
+astounded when his bill was handed to him, and he saw charged on it
+$55.000. Pate turned deadly pale when he perceived the heavy sum he was
+expected to pay; and Toney and the Professor took him aside and told him
+that, while so dreadfully intoxicated, he had broken and destroyed much
+valuable property in the hotel, and that the damage was charged in the
+bill. Pate was now shocked at the consequences of his indiscretion, and exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, that a man should be such a fool!"</p>
+
+<p>"As to put an enemy in his mouth to steal away his brains," said the
+Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What am I to do?" cried Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Pay the bill," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot. It is impossible for me to pay so large a sum of money," said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"I am sorry for that," said the Professor. "In Brazil there is
+imprisonment for debt."</p>
+
+<p>"What?" exclaimed Pate, in extreme terror.</p>
+
+<p>"There is imprisonment for debt in this country," said the Professor;
+"and if you do not pay the bill, the proprietor of the hotel will have
+you put in the calaboose."</p>
+
+<p>"Where you may have to remain during your whole life," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span></p><p>"Oh! oh!" cried Pate, looking as pale as a ghost. "What&mdash;what shall I
+do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Get the money and pay the bill," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I cannot&mdash;I cannot!" said Pate, perspiring from every pore.</p>
+
+<p>"This is a great calamity," said the Professor. "Only to think of a man
+having to spend, perhaps, forty years of his life in prison!"</p>
+
+<p>"To end his days in a dungeon!" said Toney, sadly.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen&mdash;gentlemen! what&mdash;what shall I do?" exclaimed Pate, groaning
+piteously.</p>
+
+<p>"Toney," said the Professor, "an expedient suggests itself to my mind,
+but I am doubtful of its propriety."</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think that it would be morally wrong for Mr. Pate to take French leave?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do not," said Toney. "He cannot pay the bill, and unless he escapes
+as speedily as possible he may have to die in prison. A man may do
+anything to preserve his liberty. Besides, when Mr. Pate returns from
+California with his gold, he can stop at Rio and pay the bill."</p>
+
+<p>"I will! I will!" exclaimed Pate. "I will pay every dollar of it!"</p>
+
+<p>"Come here, Mr. Pate," said the Professor. And he and Toney conducted
+him to the street and pointed towards the harbor.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!&mdash;run!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Run, Pate!&mdash;run!" cried Tom Seddon, who had followed them out.</p>
+
+<p>The delinquent debtor looked around to see if his ruthless creditor was
+watching him, and then darted down the street and ran at full speed
+until he reached the water's edge, when he leaped into a boat, and told
+the men to row as fast as they could for the ship. In the mean while
+Toney and the Professor returned to the office of the hotel and quietly
+settled the bill with the contents of Pate's purse, which they had taken
+from his pocket while he was intoxicated, and still retained in their
+possession for safe keeping.</p>
+
+<p>When M. T. Pate came near the ship, he beheld the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> extraordinary
+spectacle of a human body rising from the surface of the water and
+hanging high in the air, with its arms and legs desperately striking
+out, as if seeking to test, by a practical experiment, the possibility
+of swimming in that uncertain element. After dangling over the deck for
+a short space of time, it disappeared behind the bulwarks.</p>
+
+<p>Pate witnessed the awful spectacle with a feeling of intense horror.</p>
+
+<p>"Great heavens!" he exclaimed, "has the captain taken upon himself the
+responsibility of ordering an execution? What a daring exercise of
+arbitrary power! It is dangerous to go on board! The brutal tyrant might
+hang any of his passengers!"</p>
+
+<p>He was about to order the men to row back to the shore when he
+recollected the danger which there awaited him. He was between Scylla
+and Charybdis. In the mean while the Brazilian boatmen, who, with their
+backs towards the ship and their ignorance of the English language,
+neither witnessed the startling phenomenon nor understood the meaning of
+Pate's exclamation, vigorously plied their oars, and soon brought the
+boat to the vessel's side. Pale with terror and trembling in every
+joint, Pate looked up and beheld a number of passengers on deck laughing
+immoderately. Their mirth convinced him that no tragedy had been
+enacted, and he went on board where he learned that Hercules had been
+captured on shore and brought alongside lying in the boat in a helpless
+condition superinduced by inebriation. A perplexing consultation among
+his captors was cut short by Old Nick, who, having made ready a rope,
+leaped into the boat, and putting a stout band around the body of the
+giant, hooked on,&mdash;and up he went, with his imperfectly articulated
+maledictions mingling with the hearty "Heave ho!" of Peter and Paul, who
+were hoisting him on deck.</p>
+
+<p>Thus was Hercules held up as an example to all evildoers; and when the
+Professor reached the ship, and was informed of the circumstance, he
+gravely remarked that men who were so imprudent as to indulge in the
+excessive use of strong drinks would sometimes become wonderfully elevated.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been compelled to leave the
+Brazilian Empire as an absconding debtor was intense, and he was now
+teased and tormented by his comrades in the most unmerciful manner.</p>
+
+<p>They told him that as soon as his ruthless creditor discovered his
+flight he would apply to the Emperor for redress, who would dispatch a
+swift-sailing man-of-war to capture him; and that he would be carried
+back and imprisoned in the calaboose until he had paid the last dump of
+the debt. Whenever a sail hove in sight, some one would cry out, "There
+comes the Brazilian vessel in pursuit of Pate;" when all would advise
+him to secrete himself in the hold of the ship, and said that they would
+inform the captain of the man-of-war that he had unfortunately fallen
+overboard when off Cape Frio.</p>
+
+<p>He was so worried by these pitiless jokes that he became misanthropic,
+and finally refused to associate with any of the passengers. He would
+leave the cabin, where at night there were usually much fun and
+merriment, and where he was sure to be the butt of some cruel jest, and,
+going upon deck, would seat himself upon a stool and brood in solitude
+over his misery, until he was in a sound sleep.</p>
+
+<p>One night there was a dead calm upon the waters, and not a sound was
+heard except the flapping of a sail as the ship rolled over a wave, or
+the monotonous notes which proceeded from the perforations in the nasal
+protuberance of the melancholy Pate, who had fallen asleep as he sat on
+his stool. But suddenly there is an unnatural noise, and a frightful
+fluttering overhead, and down it comes&mdash;a ghostlike creature!&mdash;long,
+lean, and spectral!&mdash;with two gigantic wings beating wildly about! With
+a chorus of strange cries it tumbles upon deck, upsetting the unlucky
+Pate, who with a loud yell of terror, rolls over and over into the
+scupper; while Peter and Paul, headed by Old Nick, rush thither and
+mingle<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> with a crowd of passengers who come from the cabin. And there
+they behold poor Pate lying on his back in the scupper, and yelling
+"murder," with the strength of his lungs; while over him stands Moses,
+glorying in his achievement. He had espied a booby-bird roosting upon
+the mainyard, and with a catlike step crept up and effected its capture.
+And thus the sudden and unexpected descent of the two boobies upon the
+deck was the cause of all this commotion. The position of Pate, as he
+lay on his back in the scupper, bawling "murder!" with the booby beating
+him with its wing, was exceedingly ludicrous. He was now teased until he
+was driven to the border of desperation. Tom Seddon had, with
+thoughtless levity, revealed the existence of the Mystic Brotherhood,
+and made known the fact that M. T. Pate was the Noble Grand Gander of
+the order. After this revelation there was no more peace for poor Pate
+on board the ship. At the table some one would call out in a loud voice
+and inquire if the Noble Grand Gander would be helped to a piece of the
+duff, when there would be a general roar of laughter. In the morning,
+when he came from his bunk, many would inquire, with mock respect, after
+the health of the Noble Grand Gander. And now, in the unfortunate affair
+with the booby, the passengers generally expressed their profound regret
+that the great American Gander had been overthrown by a Brazilian booby.</p>
+
+<p>In the mean while the ship sailed on; the weather gradually grew colder,
+and the three curious spots in the heavens, called the Clouds of
+Magellan, were visible at night, and indicated an approximation to the
+coast of Patagonia.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor had a sympathy for Pate, and would sometimes endeavor to
+alleviate his sufferings by cheerful conversation. They were one day
+standing on deck conversing about the Clouds of Magellan, and the
+Professor was suggesting the propriety of sending up an artist in a
+balloon to paint them red, white, and blue, so that the American colors
+might hang over these regions in anticipation of their annexation to the
+great republic, when they heard the voice of Moses exclaiming,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p><p>"Look yonder!"</p>
+
+<p>"What is it?" said Pate, pointing to an enormous creature sailing
+through the air and coming towards the ship.</p>
+
+<p>"It is one of the Clouds of Magellan riding on the back of Old Boreas,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"No," cried Tom Seddon, "it is the gigantic ghost of the poor booby
+coming to haunt Moses for the deep damnation of his taking off."</p>
+
+<p>The optical orbs of Moses expanded wider and wider, as the form of the
+winged monster loomed larger and larger, until, with a flap of its
+tremendous pinions, it came alongside, and, after several times sweeping
+around the ship, finally settled down on the water in the wake.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor having ascertained that this object, on which Moses was
+gazing with wonder and awe, was an albatross, attached a piece of pork
+to a line and threw it overboard, with an invitation to the stranger to
+lay hold, so that he might hoist him on board. The gigantic bird eagerly
+accepted the invitation, and snatching the delicious morsel in his beak,
+held on with a pertinacity which indicated his appreciation of the
+prize. And now he was seen to stretch out his neck with an extraordinary
+projection, and his huge body following it at a run, beating the water
+with two enormous wings, over the poop he came, with a tremendous
+fluttering, and down on the deck, where he stood like a prodigious
+goose, wholly unable to define his position.</p>
+
+<p>The creature walked the deck with a curious stare, until coming in
+proximity to M. T. Pate, it stopped and gazed in his face, when some
+wicked wag cried out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Put a saddle and bridle on him, Mr. Pate."</p>
+
+<p>"By all means," cried another passenger; "and if the Brazilian
+man-of-war should overhaul the vessel, you can ride away on the back of
+your winged courser and easily effect your escape."</p>
+
+<p>These suggestions so irritated Pate that he suddenly seized a handspike
+and dealt the albatross a blow, the lethal effects of which laid it a
+lifeless corpse at his feet. There was a loud hurrah for the Noble Grand
+Gander,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> and Pate, boiling with indignation, walked forward and leaned
+against the forecastle.</p>
+
+<p>He was now sternly denounced by Old Nick, who told him, in emphatic
+terms, that he would never have any more good luck as long as he lived;
+and Peter and Paul coincided with him in the prediction. Not many
+moments elapsed before these vaticinations of ill fortune began to be
+verified. Neptune, with indignation, had beheld the murderous deed, and
+prepared a fitting punishment. He sent a huge wave, which broke over the
+bow with a crash. The sailors saw it coming and sprang into the rigging;
+while the assassin of the albatross was knocked off his feet and went
+wallowing into the scupper. Amidst loud and boisterous laughter, M. T.
+Pate hurried into the cabin with a stream of salt-water flowing from the
+tail of his coat; while a number of voices commenced singing,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"A life on the ocean wave,</div>
+<div>A home on the rolling deep," etc.</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>A few days subsequent to these events, they came in sight of Tierra del
+Fuego; and as the ship ran down within a league of the shore, there was
+a suggestion that the officers had determined to leave the slayer of the
+albatross on this desolate coast; being afraid to venture round the Horn
+with such a Jonah on board. The Professor told Pate to pay no attention
+to these remarks, as the captain had a cousin who had emigrated to this
+part of the world and opened a hotel, and he was going to take the
+passengers on shore and give a "general treat." But the ship stood away
+to the south, and, followed by clouds of Cape pigeons and albatrosses,
+went rolling around the Horn, and after a rough controversy with old
+ocean, which lasted for several weeks, eventually came in sight of the
+Island of Juan Fernandez.</p>
+
+<p>Several of the passengers expressed an opinion that the captain would
+now put Pate on shore, and said that he would have to live here in
+solitude and clad in goats' skins like Alexander Selkirk. But the vessel
+sailed on, and the peaks of the famous island were soon hid behind the
+horizon; and this was their last sight of <i>terra firma</i> until<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> they
+beheld the tops of the Andes, and soon afterwards entered the harbor of Callao.</p>
+
+<p>"There was a scene of revelry by night" in the cabin, like that which
+had preceded their landing on Brazilian soil. The Professor, with Toney
+and Tom, remained on deck until the sounds of conviviality had ceased,
+and then proceeded to "turn in."</p>
+
+<p>"What is this?" said Tom Seddon, coming in contact with a huge head
+hanging over the side of a hammock.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a remarkable case of suspended animation," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules has again become wonderfully elevated," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And has turned Wiggins out of his hammock," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate seem to prefer the floor," said Toney,
+pointing to the two individuals named, who were lying supinely on their
+backs by the side of a sea-chest under the hammock.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules seems to be hovering over them like a benignant spirit with
+the most benevolent intentions," said the Professor; and he and his two
+friends passed on, and, stowing themselves away in their bunks, were
+awaiting the approach of "tired nature's sweet restorer," when a hideous
+howl, like the outcry of a wounded dragon, rang through the cabin. A
+score of startled passengers leaped hurriedly up, and rushing forward
+beheld the catastrophe. Hercules had pitched headforemost from his
+hammock, and precipitating himself first on the sea-chest, had rolled
+over, and covered with his huge body the prostrated forms of Old Grizzly
+and M. T. Pate.</p>
+
+<p>Unable to account for his sudden descent, and wholly confounded by his
+fall, he was giving utterance to his emotions in a succession of diabolical howls.</p>
+
+<p>Old Grizzly slowly arose, and assuming a sitting posture, growled out
+his decided disapprobation of such proceedings, while M. T. Pate was
+writhing and wriggling under his heavy burden, and uttering piteous groans.</p>
+
+<p>"Pate is like old John Bunyan's poor pilgrim," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Groaning under his load of sin," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span></p><p>"Let us shrive him," said the Professor. And he and Toney seized Pate
+by the legs, and, pulling vigorously, succeeded in relieving him from
+the immense load of iniquity which rested upon him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>After spending a day in Callao, and visiting the site of the ancient
+town, which had been destroyed by an earthquake, the band of
+gold-hunters proceeded to the city of Lima. This splendid capital
+presents many objects of interest to the stranger. The Professor and his
+companions were astonished at the number and magnificence of the
+churches; and as he was going through a gallery in one of these sacred
+edifices, Wiggins discovered three holy men playing at monte, and was
+only prevented from taking a hand by his ignorance of the Castilian
+language. Moses was shocked at seeing the countrywomen riding astraddle
+on donkeys when they entered the town on their way to the market; and he
+was inexpressibly alarmed when a young female stopped him on the street,
+and, producing a cigar, politely asked him for a light. So great was his
+agitation that, instead of complying with her request, he dropped his
+own cigar in the gutter and hastily retreated behind Botts, whose ugly
+visage frightened the woman away. Hercules, having constituted himself
+an inspector of the pale brandies of the country, on a certain night
+went up on the flat roof of the hotel and fell through a glass door
+among some Spaniards engaged in a quiet game below; and the Dons,
+supposing, from his novel mode of entrance, that he came with
+burglarious intent, fled from the apartment, leaving him lying in the
+middle of the floor, and uttering the most terrific yells.</p>
+
+<p>Toney and the Professor rushed into the room, and with some difficulty
+lifting the giant on his feet, discovered that he had sustained no
+injury from his sudden<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> descent. As Hercules staggered out of the room,
+the Professor pointed towards him, and gravely remarked,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I am now convinced of the utter falsity of what has been so long
+received as an axiom in natural philosophy."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"That confined fluids press equally in all directions," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"That only holds good in hydrostatics," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Where water is concerned, the principle may be correct," said the
+Professor, "but it is not applicable to the juice of the grape. But
+where is Tom Seddon? I haven't seen him during the whole day."</p>
+
+<p>"He and M. T. Pate have just returned from a visit to the tomb of
+Pizarro," said Toney; "and Pate has been much shocked at a discovery
+which he there made."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Most of the bones of that celebrated conqueror have been stolen," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"By whom?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"By visitors to the tomb," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sic transit gloria mundi!</i>" said the Professor. "Pizarro stole the
+Inca's possessions, and now his own bones have been carried off by
+pilfering hands, and, perhaps, manufactured into knife-handles. I hope I
+never may be a great man; a General, or a President, or anything of that sort."</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?"</p>
+
+<p>"The very idea is horrible!"</p>
+
+<p>"How so?"</p>
+
+<p>"To see one's name in large letters over the picture of a horse on a
+hand-bill posted against the door of a blacksmith's shop; or to have a
+mangy hound for your namesake!"</p>
+
+<p>"Here comes Tom," said Toney, as Seddon entered the apartment and
+commenced telling them about the bull-fight which was to take place on
+the next day, which would be Sunday.</p>
+
+<p>"We will all go," said the Professor; "but I am hungry. Let us go into
+the eating-room and order three plates of lizards."</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p><p>"I would prefer a beefsteak smothered in onions," said Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>De gustibus non disputandum est</i>," said the Professor as he entered
+the eating-room, and, seating himself at a table, ordered his lizards.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>On the bright Sabbath morning Toney Belton and his companions were
+following an immense crowd of people along the banks of the Rimac, in
+the direction of the bull-fight, when they were compelled to halt and
+listen to a polemical controversy between the Professor and M. T. Pate.
+The latter had followed along quietly, and without observation, until
+accidentally discovering their destination, he stood still and refused
+to proceed. In vain did the Professor try argument and blandishment to
+remove his scruples of conscience. On the first day of the week Pate was
+immovably pious.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along, Mr. Pate!" said the Professor, in a coaxing tone.</p>
+
+<p>"This is the Sabbath," said Pate, "and a day of rest."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said the Professor, "in this country the churches are always
+open, and the people are praying every day in the week, and the only way
+for them to rest is to stop praying on Sunday and do something else.
+When you are in Rome do as Rome does."</p>
+
+<p>"Everybody is going to the bull-fight," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder is a carriage-load of bishops," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And look at those two shovel-hats jogging along on their mules," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"This is Sunday," said Pate, solemnly shaking his head.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been informed by the oldest inhabitant that Sunday has never yet
+got around Cape Horn," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span></p><p>But Pate was deaf to their sophistical arguments, and, shaking his head
+with a melancholy look, turned on his heels and took his departure.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor and his companions were soon seated in the amphitheater,
+which formed an immense circle, with seats rising in tiers, one above
+the other. A strong barricade of stout timbers protected the twenty
+thousand men, women, and children who, with the Priests, the President,
+and the Congress of the country were here assembled, and waited with
+impatience until a gate was opened and several of the combatants
+appeared, some on horseback armed with long lances, and others on foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder! what are those?" exclaimed Tom Seddon, pointing to four
+uncouth shapes stalking into the arena wearing ugly masks with enormous
+beaks, and having dusky wings ingeniously fitted to their sides.</p>
+
+<p>"They look like very large turkey-buzzards," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Half men and half birds," said Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"They are Peruvian fairies," said the Professor, turning round and
+imparting this information to Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"Fairies!" exclaimed Moses, his eyes opening in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"A gigantic species of fairy peculiar to this country," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What are they going to do?" asked Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"They are exceedingly fond of bull-beef," said the Professor. "They will
+wait until the animal is slain, and then dine on the carcass."</p>
+
+<p>"After which," said Toney, "they will spread their wings and fly away to
+Fairy-land, supposed to be located somewhere among the peaks of the Andes."</p>
+
+<p>"And which was never visited by mortal man," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Moses now gazed at the fairies with wonder and awe; while Tom Seddon
+exclaimed, "Look at that handsome woman standing in the center of the arena!"</p>
+
+<p>"She is splendidly dressed," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is she?" asked Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"The President's wife," suggested Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Is she going to fight the bull?" asked Moses.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span></p><p>"That may be her intention," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"She has no weapon," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"She will take the bull by the horns," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"She is in great danger," said Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"It is the Blessed Virgin,&mdash;you may behold a miracle," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Is she alive?" asked Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"She does not move," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"She stands stoutly on her feet," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, as a gate flew open, and in came,
+with a bound and a bellow, a huge black bull, with his eyes fiercely
+glaring, as if he were smarting under some recent insult and expected
+other indignities to be offered. But beholding the image, he moved
+towards it, bowing his head and scraping his foot.</p>
+
+<p>"He seems disposed to be very polite in the presence of a lady," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He is making a very profound obeisance," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Only in mockery," said the Professor as the bull rushed forward, and,
+thrusting his horns through the robes of the Holy Mary, lifted her from
+the earth. But hardly had he touched her sacred person when a succession
+of loud reports ensued, such as are heard when idle urchins have
+fastened their fire-works behind the flanks of some venerable parent of puppies.</p>
+
+<p>"A miracle!" exclaimed the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"A miracle!" cried Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"A miracle!" shouted Tom.</p>
+
+<p>The eyes of Moses widely dilated, and he gazed in intense wonder. Off
+went the bull with the image hanging on his horns, roaring and running
+around; while ever and anon the Blessed Virgin would emit an explosion
+which added an increase to his speed. Finally she fell to the ground,
+and was sacrilegiously trampled under hoof, and lay with her gaudy robes
+scorched, and smoking, and torn to tatters.</p>
+
+<p>"What a shocking sight!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Will nobody go to her rescue?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder comes her avenger!" said the Professor, as a man on foot
+advanced, with one hand brandishing a dart<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> having a small streamer
+attached to it, and shaking a red flag with the other. The bull,
+indignant at the insult, came at him with a bound, when, nimbly leaping
+aside, he planted his missile in the flank of his foe, and the
+infuriated animal charged on another assailant with similar results.</p>
+
+<p>Soon his sides were covered with little javelins, each having a gaudy
+pennon on its end waving in the wind. He fought with pluck and
+determination, but evidently at a disadvantage; for his antagonists,
+when hard pressed, would retreat behind a circular palisade of posts,
+whither he could not follow them. Making a charge on one of the
+buzzards, however, he tore off a wing before the clumsy bird could get
+out of the way. The disgusting fowl uttered a loud squall, such as was
+never heard from one of its species before.</p>
+
+<p>"The poor fairy has lost one of his pinions," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He will not be able to soar away to his home in the Andes after he has
+dined," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The cavalry are about to take part in the engagement," said the
+Professor, as the horsemen galloped around and added to the torments of
+the animal by pricking him with their lances.</p>
+
+<p>"He fights <i>manfully</i>," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "be so good as to keep your Irish
+bulls in the background. You should not venture to introduce them among Spanish cattle."</p>
+
+<p>"He exhibits great courage against overwhelming odds," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"But, as has been asked on numerous occasions, what can a single hero do
+against a host?" said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that big man going to do with his long knife?" asked Moses, as
+a stalwart fellow, armed with a short, straight sword, advanced on foot
+and fixed his gaze on his victim. With eyes wildly rolling, and red
+torrents of blood streaming from his wounds, the bull moved towards this
+new antagonist, with his head to the ground, hoping to toss him on his
+horns. But the wily matadore, with a dexterous thrust, pierced the spine
+of the neck, and the agonies of the animal were over. Hardly had he<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span>
+fallen when the four buzzards rushed forward and commenced pecking at the carcass.</p>
+
+<p>"The fairies are hungry," said the Professor, turning round and speaking to Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"The one-winged gentleman seems determined to have his share of the
+feast," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Look! look!" cried Tom Seddon, as up went a rocket and in came six
+white horses splendidly harnessed, by whose united strength the
+mutilated body of the bull was dragged out at a gallop, to make room for another victim.</p>
+
+<p>"Look at yonder fellow riding his horse around the arena, with his side
+gored open and torrents of blood gushing from the ghastly wound!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"This is pretty sport, but I think that I will put an end to it," said
+the Professor to Toney, in a low and confidential tone.</p>
+
+<p>"That is impossible," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The celebrated Arago says that he who, outside of pure mathematics,
+uses the word impossible, lacks prudence," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Here he comes!" cried Tom Seddon, as a bull of prodigious size and
+savage ferocity bounded into the arena, and after moving around and
+wildly glaring at the assembled multitude, finally halted within a few
+paces of the seats occupied by Toney and the Professor. The enraged
+animal was pawing the earth with his foot, when one of the combatants
+advanced towards him, brandishing a dart. The bull elevated his head and
+surveyed him with an indignant look. The man poised his missile and was
+about to hurl it when, in the Castilian language, from the mouth of the
+angry animal come forth the words,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Hold, villain! hold!"</p>
+
+<p>The man dropped his dart and instantly fled. On the seats in proximity
+to the Professor there were great commotion and alarm, while from those
+afar off there were loud cries of derision at the cowardice exhibited by
+the combatant who had fled. Several men now advanced on foot, and the
+horsemen followed, with the four buzzards in the rear, flapping their
+wings. They surrounded the bull, and each footman brandished his dart,
+while the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> horsemen poised their lances. The animal regarded them with a
+ferocious aspect, and, as they were about to attack him with their
+weapons, a hoarse voice was heard issuing from his throat, and exclaiming,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Stand back! ye bloody villains, forbear!"</p>
+
+<p>The men recoiled in horror, and, dropping their weapons, fled with
+precipitation, exclaiming, "El diablo! el diablo!"</p>
+
+<p>The buzzards hurried over the barricades followed by the footmen, who
+threw themselves among the spectators, crying out, "El diablo! el
+diablo!&mdash;it is the devil! it is the devil!" The horsemen galloped
+frantically around, and finally fled through a gate, which was instantly
+closed and barred. "El diablo! el diablo!" was shouted by hundreds of voices.</p>
+
+<p>"It is Satan! it is Satan!" exclaimed several priests, who sat near the
+Professor, as the bull, after running around, stood still and glared at
+them with fiery eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"I am Beelzebub!" roared the bull.</p>
+
+<p>With loud cries of "Satan!" "Beelzebub!" "the devil!" the priests and
+the people leaped from their seats, and, tumbling over each other,
+rolled out of the amphitheater into the open air. Along the banks of the
+Rimac, men, women, and children were flying in terror, with loud cries
+of "El diablo! el diablo!"</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Moses?" asked the Professor, as with Toney and Tom he sat in
+the deserted amphitheater.</p>
+
+<p>"He and Wiggins have gone with the crowd," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"The bull will have to perform before empty benches," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"That animal has created more commotion than any of the Pope's bulls in
+the Dark Ages," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He is equal to Apis, the sacred bull of the Egyptians," said the
+Professor, as they arose from their seats and left the amphitheater.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>At the hotel in Lima the Professor and his friends found the supercargo
+of the ship who had come to hunt up the passengers. The captain had been
+in trouble; the crew having mutinied and refused to work because they
+were not allowed the privilege of a cruise on shore. The controversy
+between the quarter-deck and the forecastle was finally adjusted, and
+the crew agreed to go to work on condition of afterwards having one day
+of liberty. The supercargo said that they were now on shore in Callao,
+and that the vessel would sail on the following morning.</p>
+
+<p>Upon receiving this information, the passengers made preparations to
+proceed on foot to Callao; it being impossible to obtain any vehicle on
+that day, as everything which had wheels or hoofs had gone to the
+bull-fight and had been left behind in the general stampede which
+ensued. The Professor inquired for M. T. Pate, but he was not in the
+hotel, and from information received, it was supposed that he had
+already left the city and proceeded to the port.</p>
+
+<p>Lima, unlike most American cities, is encompassed by a wall. Just beyond
+the gate, which opens on the six miles of level road leading to Callao,
+are a number of mounds heaped up by the ancient inhabitants of the
+country for the purpose of hiding the remains of mortality. But as these
+poor pagans were unwilling to leave the world as unadorned as they had
+entered it, numerous excavations had been made by their Christian
+successors, who had stripped them of their heathenish ornaments, and
+carried them off, to be converted into the images of saints.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor and his companions turned aside from the road and
+proceeded to an inspection of the place.</p>
+
+<p>Hercules had already thrust his long neck into one of the excavations,
+when, with a loud exclamation, he drew suddenly back as if he had
+certainly seen a sight. The<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> Long Green Boy now peeped into the
+aperture, and, starting back, looked as if he were about to exclaim,
+"Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!" But lo! it starts up&mdash;it
+moves towards them&mdash;long, lean, and spectral!&mdash;in robes as white as the
+driven snow, like the shivering shade of an ancient Inca come hither to
+mourn over the extinction of his race.</p>
+
+<p>Hercules assumes the posture of a racer ready to make a desperate
+spring, and only waiting for the word "Go!" The Professor throws himself
+in the attitude of Hamlet in his interesting interview with the ghost.
+Botts clutches the hilt of his bowie-knife and stands prepared to battle
+with whatever may come forth. But hold! rash man, forbear! No horrible
+apparition of an unbaptized infidel is this, but a pious Christian and a
+poor countryman in distress. It is the unfortunate M. T. Pate stalking
+forth with no covering except a single shirt.</p>
+
+<p>Finding no congenial society in the city, he had wandered hither to
+meditate among the tombs. His reveries were rudely interrupted by
+certain grim-looking fellows carrying carbines, one of which was
+presented to his breast with an observation which, for want of an
+interpreter, he was unable to comprehend. Poor Pate was too much awed to
+animadvert upon the sinfulness of such proceedings on Sunday; and these
+bold Sabbath-breakers, having rifled his pockets, stripped him of all
+that he had, and left him in the condition in which he was found.</p>
+
+<p>Having heard his dolorous story, the Professor exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"But, Mr. Pate, what is to be done? You cannot travel along the public
+highway in that condition of nudity."</p>
+
+<p>"If he does," said Toney, "the people will suppose that he is a model artist."</p>
+
+<p>"The weather is hot," said Tom Seddon. "And he will not feel
+uncomfortable with nothing on but his shirt."</p>
+
+<p>"If Pate goes into Callao, in a nude condition, he will frighten the
+women into fits," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And he will be arrested and put in the calaboose," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span></p><p>"What is to be done?" asked Toney. "Our trunks are in Callao, and there
+is no spare clothing among us."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate can have my drawers," said Wiggins. And he pulled them off and
+handed them to his unfortunate friend.</p>
+
+<p>"And I will let him have my coat," said Hercules, pulling it off.</p>
+
+<p>"That coat is like charity," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"How so?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It covers a multitude of faults," said the Professor, pointing to the
+giant's linen coat, which completely enveloped the person of Pate and
+hung down to his heels.</p>
+
+<p>"What will Mr. Pate do for a pair of boots?" said Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind," said Tom Seddon, "the road is sandy and will not hurt his
+bare feet."</p>
+
+<p>"And when he comes to stony places I will carry him on my back," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Come along, Mr. Pate," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"And when you return from California with your gold you should by all
+means carefully avoid these localities," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Pate uttered not a word in response to these advisory remarks, but
+all were convinced by the quivering of his lip and other outward signs
+that he was inwardly vowing that he would do so.</p>
+
+<p>They now hurried on; Toney, Tom, and the Professor leading the advance,
+and when about half-way between Lima and Callao, they espied a curious
+kind of cavalry coming up the road. It was the ship's company ashore on
+liberty and making the most of that inestimable blessing. Each jolly tar
+was mounted on a little donkey, and at the head of the cavalcade rode
+Old Nick, having a leadline in his hand; and this steady and experienced
+seaman, apprehensive of shoals or hidden rocks, kept constantly heaving
+the lead and calling out the number of fathoms each time that it fell.
+Once he was heard to cry out "No bottom!" and down went his donkey in a
+hole; but the dauntless navigator assured his shipmates that, though the
+little craft had her lee-rail under, she would soon<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> right up without
+losing a stick of her timber; and the result was just as he had said.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Pate?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder he is," said Toney, pointing to Pate, about a quarter of a mile
+behind, mounted on the back of Hercules, with Wiggins walking on one
+side and Perch on the other; Botts and Moses bringing up the rear.</p>
+
+<p>"Hercules is carrying him over the stony road," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"The giant has a big body and a big heart," said the Professor; "but he
+shall not be treated like a beast of burden. Pate shall ride Old Nick's donkey."</p>
+
+<p>"Old Nick will not give up his donkey," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"We will see," said the Professor. And he advanced near the spot where
+the huge sailor sat on the little animal with his feet touching the
+ground. Just at that moment Old Nick gave the bridle a jerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh&mdash;oh! You hurt! Get off my back, you drunken lubber!" exclaimed a
+voice issuing from the mouth of the beast. Old Nick leaped off and fled
+down the road.</p>
+
+<p>"Avast there!" cried Tim.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush up, you old fool! you are drunk too!" said Tim's donkey. The
+sailor rolled off.</p>
+
+<p>"Get off my back!" exclaimed another donkey.</p>
+
+<p>"Get off! get off! you ought all to be hung at the yard-arm for mutiny!"
+shouted each donkey in succession. With wild yells of terror, the
+sailors fled down the road to Callao, ran at full speed through the town
+to the water's edge, leaped into a boat and went on board the vessel.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, Mr. Pate, mount on this donkey," said the Professor, as Pate came
+riding along on the back of Hercules. The Professor selected an animal
+for himself, and he and Pate rode into Callao, and halted at the hotel,
+where they had left their trunks when they had started for Lima.</p>
+
+<p>At the hotel, Pate retired to a room and made his toilet; but when he
+again appeared he was so teased and tormented by certain wicked wags
+that he abruptly left the hotel and rushed into the street. He was seen
+no more. The passengers went on board and the ship was ready to sail.
+The captain went on shore and made inquiry for Pate. Nothing could be
+heard of him, and,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> after losing several days in a fruitless search, the
+ship finally put to sea.</p>
+
+<p>During the voyage there were numerous discussions in relation to his
+probable fate; but ultimately the opinion prevailed that he had gone
+back to Lima, to pay his bill at the hotel, and had thus been left
+behind. The ship sailed on without him, and after a voyage of two
+months, passed through the Golden Gate, and anchored in the harbor of San Francisco.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"This seems to be a city of tents," said the Professor, as they stood on
+a hill which has long since been removed, and now forms a portion of the
+artificial foundation for the immense warehouses which stand where their
+ship anchored between Happy Valley and Goat Island.</p>
+
+<p>"I see very few houses," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"Only the old Spanish structures built a hundred years ago with adobe
+brick," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"In two years from the present period," said Toney, "you will see houses
+all over this space,&mdash;hotels of six stories, and commodious dwellings
+and warehouses."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney is a prophet," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"On the very spot where we now stand there is gold in abundance," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"In these sand-hills?" exclaimed Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; in these very sand-hills where we now are," said Toney; "if a man
+has sagacity enough to perceive his chance and avail himself of it."</p>
+
+<p>"I divine your meaning," said the Professor. "Let us buy one of these sand-hills."</p>
+
+<p>"That was just what I was about to propose," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What will we do with it?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Leave it here and go to the mines," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"It won't run away," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span></p><p>"Of what use will it be to us, or anybody else?" said Tom, kicking the
+sand about with his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"In a few years an immense city will extend for miles around," said
+Toney. "Our lot will be in the very center of the town."</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! hurrah!" cried Tom, throwing up his wool hat. "I see! I see!
+let us buy the sand-hill."</p>
+
+<p>"How much money have you?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Five thousand dollars," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I have about an equal amount in my trunk," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"And I can raise about as much more," said Toney. "Come, let us make our
+purchase without delay."</p>
+
+<p>Business was then rapidly transacted in the El Dorado of the West,
+where, at that period, immense fortunes were frequently made and lost in
+a month. In a few hours the three friends were the owners of the
+sand-hill, and had their titles secured by deeds duly executed.</p>
+
+<p>On the following morning they hunted up Hercules and his companions, who
+were feasting on wild geese and quails at a tent in Montgomery Street,
+and embarked in a boat for Stockton, from which point they intended to
+proceed across the country to the mines on the Moquelumne River. In the
+afternoon of the same day they were entering the mouth of the San
+Joaquin when a schooner ran by them.</p>
+
+<p>"What place is this?" shouted Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"New York," answered a man on the schooner.</p>
+
+<p>"Not much like New York," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"What place is it?" asked Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"New York!" shouted the man, with vehemence.</p>
+
+<p>"He knows," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go ashore and dine at the Astor House," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>They went on shore, but were unable to find the hotel designated, and
+made a meal on elk meat, in a tent kept by a one-eyed Hibernian; after
+which they again proceeded up the river until about the middle of the
+night, when they lashed to the tulas on the bank, and lay in the bottom
+of the boat, sometimes snoring and at other times fighting the mosquitoes.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p><p>In the morning they hoisted sail, and in so doing Moses fell over the
+bow of the boat and was hauled in at the stern. After Moses had thus
+performed his ablutions, they sailed on until about ten o'clock, when
+Tom Seddon exclaimed, "This river is as crooked as the track of a snake!
+What mountain is that? It sometimes seems on the larboard, and sometimes
+on the starboard."</p>
+
+<p>"That is Mount Diablo, I suppose, from the description I have had of
+it," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The Devil's Mountain," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"In plain English, the Devil's Mountain," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I never was so hungry; I could eat a bear," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Better eat a bear than that a bear should eat you," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I will starve before we get to Stockton," said Tom. "Let us go on shore
+and shoot some game."</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed!" said Toney. And they ran in along shore, and, fastening their
+boat to the bough of a tree, landed and proceeded through the tulas in
+the direction of Mount Diablo. When they had gone about a mile they
+reached an open space surrounded with thickets. Here they halted, and
+were gazing around in search of game, when Tom Seddon suddenly
+exclaimed, "Look! look!"</p>
+
+<p>About two hundred paces from where they stood a man rushed out from the
+thicket, and behind him came forth a huge and ferocious monster
+apparently in pursuit. The hideous beast ran after the man, and striking
+him with its nose under the tail of his coat hurled him headforemost
+about twenty feet. The man fell on his hands and knees, and the monster
+stood still and gazed at him intently.</p>
+
+<p>"The devil!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>"From Mount Diablo," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a grizzly bear," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Gracious!" exclaimed Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"That fellow had better run," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He has taken your advice," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"The bear is after him again," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder! I would as soon be shot out of a cannon!" shouted Tom
+Seddon, as the huge creature thrust its nose under the man's coat and
+propelled him<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> forward with prodigious velocity. The man again fell on
+his hands and knees, and the beast stood still and regarded him with a steadfast look.</p>
+
+<p>"The bear is waiting for him to get up," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"That's right," said the Professor. "Never strike a man when he is down."</p>
+
+<p>"He is on his feet again," said Tom, as the man sprang up and commenced running.</p>
+
+<p>"And the bear is at him again," said Toney, as the eccentric monster
+rushed at the man and hurled him headlong with tremendous force.</p>
+
+<p>"Jupiter Tonans!" exclaimed Tom. "That was a settler."</p>
+
+<p>"He is stunned," said Toney, as the man lay motionless with his face on
+the ground. The bear stood still and looked intently at the prostrate
+form. The man did not move. After gazing at him for several moments, the
+bear walked up and smelled him from head to foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Is he going to eat him?" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I do not believe that he is," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"Look there! Did you ever see the like?" cried Tom, as the bear
+commenced plowing up the earth with its nose and piling it on the man's body.</p>
+
+<p>"He is burying him," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"That bear has good principles in his composition," said the Professor.
+"He buries his dead."</p>
+
+<p>The bear continued to pile the earth over the man until he had raised
+quite a mound, when he turned round, and, at a shuffling gait, went off
+in the direction of Mount Diablo, and was soon hidden in the thicket.</p>
+
+<p>Toney and his friends now ran to the spot where the man was buried. The
+end of his coat was visible. Toney and Tom tugged at the tail of the
+coat, while the Professor aided in the disinterment by kicking off the
+earth with his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"By the powers of mud!" was uttered in a hoarse voice, and the man sprang erect.</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney, in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>The astonishment of Bragg was equal to that of Toney and Tom. He was
+covered with dirt, and swore <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span>vehemently "by the powers of mud." He
+eventually became more composed, and, while walking to the boat,
+accounted for the condition in which he was found. In coming down the
+river he had quarreled with the captain of the vessel, and challenged
+him to single combat. The captain had rudely refused to accept the
+challenge, and put Bragg on shore, where, in wandering about, he had
+encountered the bear.</p>
+
+<p>"Look!&mdash;look!&mdash;what's that?" cried Moses, as an agile creature with very
+long ears sprang up before them.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a young donkey," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>Tom fired his gun and the animal fell dead.</p>
+
+<p>"In this country it is called a jackass rabbit," said Bragg, as Tom
+shouldered his game and carried it to the boat.</p>
+
+<p>A fire was kindled, and in a short time they were feasting on the
+broiled flesh of the rabbit. During the meal Botts and Bragg regarded
+each other with looks of savage ferocity, but no words were exchanged
+between them. Toney's mind was relieved from anxiety when Bragg pointed
+to a schooner coming down the river, and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Belton, you would confer a great favor by putting me on board
+yonder vessel. I intend to proceed to San Francisco and settle with that
+villainous captain."</p>
+
+<p>The boat put off from the shore and conveyed Bragg to the schooner, and
+then proceeded up the river. When they were about six miles from
+Stockton, half a dozen barges filled with armed men came around a bend
+in the river.</p>
+
+<p>"Boat ahoy!" cried a tall man standing up in the foremost barge. No
+attention was paid to this hail, and the boat was kept on its course. In
+an instant more than fifty rifles were leveled at them, and Perch and
+Wiggins crouched down in the bottom of the boat and covered themselves
+with a buffalo robe.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want?" cried Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"We are hunting for Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher,"
+exclaimed several men in the barges, which now came alongside.</p>
+
+<p>"They are not here," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"We will see," said one of the men. "Who is that<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> hiding there?" And he
+jerked the buffalo robe aside and beheld Perch's fiery head of hair.</p>
+
+<p>"Red Mike!" he exclaimed.</p>
+
+<p>"And that is Long-Nose Jack," said another man, pointing to Wiggins's
+extraordinary nasal projection.</p>
+
+<p>"And there is the Preacher," said a big fellow, gazing sternly at Moses,
+who, from his peculiar conformation, looked much like a parson in disguise.</p>
+
+<p>"The Preacher is the worst of the whole gang," said one of the men.</p>
+
+<p>"We will hang him on the highest limb," said another.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens, gentlemen! you are not going to hang them?" exclaimed
+Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They have done nothing!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"They have just landed in California," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"You three fellows shut up," said one of the men. "We have got nothing
+against you, but we know these chaps. They are New York Hounds. Robbed a
+tent last night. We'll hang them as soon as we get back to Stockton."</p>
+
+<p>Moses and Perch were dumb with terror, as they were dragged into one of
+the barges, while Wiggins ejaculated,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" With loud cheers the men rowed away in the
+direction of Stockton. Toney and his friends followed, but were soon
+left far behind.</p>
+
+<p>When the lynching-party reached Stockton with their captives, loud
+shouts were heard on shore.</p>
+
+<p>"They have got them! they have got them! Ropes!&mdash;ropes!" were the cries,
+as the unfortunate prisoners were dragged from the barge.</p>
+
+<p>"Hang them! hang them!" was shouted and screamed by infuriated men, who
+came running with ropes prepared for the execution of the robbers. The
+affrighted prisoners were hurried to a large oak, which stood about a
+hundred yards from the main street. Three mules were now led to the
+spot, and the supposed felons, with ropes around their necks, were made
+to mount on the backs of the animals. A man climbed into the tree and
+fastened the ropes to a large horizontal limb. Each mule was held<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> by
+its bridle, while a man stood behind with a whip, ready to apply the
+lash at a given signal.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said a tall individual, who seemed to be the leader of the
+lynchers, "if you three fellows have got any thing to say, sing out. You
+have got five minutes to live. When I fire off this pistol, the mules
+will jump from under you, and you are gone."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!&mdash;oh!&mdash;oh!" groaned Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell my father," said Moses, turning his head round and looking
+piteously at Perch, "that I was hung for nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't tell him," said Perch, "I've got to be hung
+myself,&mdash;oh!&mdash;oh!&mdash;oh!"</p>
+
+<p>"You have three minutes left," said the man with the pistol, looking at
+his watch.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" ejaculated Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"If that's all you've got to say, you might as well shut up and be hung
+at once. Two minutes left!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh! oh!" groaned Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"One minute!"</p>
+
+<p>"Mercy!&mdash;mercy!&mdash;mercy!" cried Moses.</p>
+
+<p>The man cocked his pistol and elevated it over his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" screamed Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on!" cried a voice in the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>"What's broke loose?" said the man, lowering his pistol and turning round.</p>
+
+<p>"Here comes the Alcalde!" shouted a number of voices, as a rough fellow,
+with long hair, galloped up and halted his panting horse in front of the gallows.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing there?" asked he. And he glanced at Moses and his
+comrades, sitting on the mules, with the ropes around their necks.</p>
+
+<p>"Hanging Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher," said the man with
+the pistol in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"You have waked up the wrong passengers. We caught the infernal thieves
+on the road to San Jos&eacute;. Here they are," said the Alcalde, as a party of
+men galloped up, having three prisoners in custody with their hands tied
+behind their backs.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p><p>"Let these men go," said the Alcalde, pointing to Moses and the other
+two who were just about to be hung.</p>
+
+<p>The supposed robbers were released and the real offenders placed on the
+backs of the mules.</p>
+
+<p>"Run!" cried Moses, "run! run!" And he and his two companions fled in
+headlong haste to the water's edge, and encountered Toney and the other
+occupants of the boat, who were just landing.</p>
+
+<p>"Where are you going?" said Toney, as all three leaped into the boat and
+seized the oars.</p>
+
+<p>"Home!" exclaimed Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"Back to the States!" cried Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't stay here a week for all the gold in the mountains!" shouted Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Come back! don't be fools! it was all a mistake," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"You'll be murdered," said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Toney, come with us! They will hang you if you stay here!" cried Moses.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't make dunces of yourselves," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-by!" said Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>"Farewell! farewell!" cried Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"God bless you, Toney!" ejaculated Moses, as he and Perch commenced
+pulling vigorously at the oars, while Wiggins laid hold on the tiller.</p>
+
+<p>They rested not during the whole ensuing night, and in the afternoon of
+the next day arrived at San Francisco. A steamer was about to sail, and
+they immediately went on board, and in a fortnight were landed at Panama.</p>
+
+<p>Having procured mules, they proceeded across the Isthmus to Cruces.</p>
+
+<p>Here they entered a public house, and behind the bar beheld a
+bald-headed man washing a bottle.</p>
+
+<p>"Look there!" exclaimed Perch.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate!" cried Wiggins.</p>
+
+<p>The bald-headed man looked up, and, uttering a cry of recognition,
+dropped the bottle, and, running from behind the bar, threw his arms
+around Wiggins's neck and hugged him fraternally.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLVI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>When M. T. Pate rushed from the hotel in Callao, he had been rendered
+frantic by the ridicule of the merciless wags by whom he was surrounded.
+Blinded with passion, he was hurrying along, not knowing nor caring
+whither he went, when he ran over a buzzard in the street and fell flat
+on his face. Springing to his feet, he struck the bird a heavy blow with
+a stick which laid it dead in the gutter. These industrious scavengers
+are protected by law in the Peruvian cities, and hardly had Pate
+committed this outrage when he was seized by a couple of soldiers and
+carried to the calaboose. For many weeks Pate pined in prison, living on
+exceedingly low diet. He was plunged in the depths of despair, and
+supposed that he would have to end his days in captivity as an expiation
+for his offense. He could see but a single gleam of hope. An earthquake
+might come and shake down the walls of his prison, and he might thus
+effect his escape. But there appeared to be a dearth of earthquakes in
+the country just at that time. Pate had often, during a long drought,
+read the prayers in church for rain, and he now used the same formula
+and prayed for an earthquake. But no convulsion of nature occurred,
+although he would often put his ear to the floor, and eagerly listen for
+the rumbling sounds which usually precede a subterranean commotion. One
+afternoon an old American tar was put in the calaboose for riotous
+conduct while drunk. The sailor lay on the floor, in the same room with
+Pate, and slept soundly until about the middle of the night, when he
+woke up sobered and in the full possession of his faculties. Pate was on
+his knees, loudly and fervently praying for an earthquake. The old salt
+sat on the floor and listened until he began to comprehend, when he
+became much excited.</p>
+
+<p>"Avast, you lubber!" he cried out, springing to his feet.</p>
+
+<p>Pate paid no attention. He was so absorbed in his<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> devotions as not to
+be conscious of exterior surroundings.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop your yarn!" said the sailor.</p>
+
+<p>Pate heeded him not.</p>
+
+<p>"Shiver my timbers!" shouted the old tar, fiercely, "if I don't plug up
+your dead-lights!" And he seized Pate by the collar and thrust his huge
+fist under his nose.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder!" cried Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder, and bloody murder, it will be, if you don't stop spinning your
+yarn," said the sailor.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you? who are you?" cried Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"Belong to the ship Fredonia," said the tar.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you kill a buzzard?" said Pate.</p>
+
+<p>"No; I got drunk. They'll let me out in the morning. I've been here before."</p>
+
+<p>"Will you get out? I'll have to stay here all my life."</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a cruise have you been on that brought you into this port?
+What did they put you here for?"</p>
+
+<p>"I killed a buzzard."</p>
+
+<p>"If you'd killed a man they wouldn't have minded it much. But they think
+more of their blasted buzzards than they do of their shovel-hats."</p>
+
+<p>"Will I ever get out?" cried Pate. "Oh, that I could get a letter to my friends!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you an American man?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am! I am! And in a dirty prison for killing a buzzard!"</p>
+
+<p>"Give me your paw, shipmate! I'll stand by you. Good luck was the wind
+that brought me under your stern."</p>
+
+<p>Pate and the old tar now had a long talk, and it was determined that the
+former should address a note to the American consul, which he did;
+writing with a pencil on a blank leaf torn from his pocket-book. In the
+morning the sailor was released, and carried Pate's communication to the
+consul, who transmitted it to the American minister at Lima.</p>
+
+<p>The condition of the unhappy captive thus came to the knowledge of the
+representative of the great republic; who told the Peruvian government,
+in plain terms, that his country would not permit one of her <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span>citizens
+to remain in prison during so long a period, merely for the paltry
+offense of slaying a turkey-buzzard. An angry correspondence ensued; and
+during its pendency, a heavy American frigate and two corvettes came
+into the harbor of Callao, and anchored with their broadsides bearing
+upon the fort. The decided tone of the minister who was a man of nerve
+and determination, and the presence of this formidable force, convinced
+the Peruvian authorities that his Excellency was in earnest; and being
+in no condition to risk a bombardment, much less a ruinous war with a
+nation so powerful as the United States, they consented to the release
+of the prisoner on condition that he should leave the country within forty-eight hours.</p>
+
+<p>Pate now determined to return home without delay. He had long since
+become disgusted with gold-hunting; and the home-sickness, which came
+over him in the calaboose, continued after he got out. So he immediately
+took passage on an English brig bound for Panama; intending to proceed
+by way of the Isthmus to New York.</p>
+
+<p>Having purchased a monkey to keep him company during the voyage, he went
+on board, and the vessel sailed. He had a pleasant passage until they
+were within a day's sail of Panama, when he met with a sad mishap. He
+was sitting on deck, dandling his monkey on his knee, when a careless
+lubber let a pot containing red paint fall from the tops. The paint was
+spattered over M. T. Pate, who thought that it was his own blood and
+brains, and under this impression, supposing that he would have to give
+up the ghost, fainted away. But a bucket of salt-water being dashed in
+his face by an old tar, he revived, and, looking around, perceived that
+his monkey was dead. The pot had hit it on the head and killed it
+instantly. He mourned over his monkey until he reached Panama, where he
+rested a day, and then bought a mule and started across the Isthmus.</p>
+
+<p>At a short distance from Cruces, in sight of the road, is a large ship's
+anchor lying in the wood. How it came there nobody can tell. Many
+suppose that it was conveyed from the Caribbean Sea up the Chagres River
+by Pizarro and his Spaniards, when they were proceeding to Panama to
+construct vessels for the conquest of Peru;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> and that being unable to
+transport it any farther by land, they had left it lying in the forest.</p>
+
+<p>Pate tied his mule to a tree, and, walking aside from the road, seated
+himself on the anchor and began to meditate.</p>
+
+<p>"Here," said he, in a soliloquy, "once stood Pizarro the Conqueror. No
+daring robber, animated by the sordid love of gold, was that great man.
+He came to destroy the pagan superstitions of a benighted land, and to
+extend the blessings of civilization over an entire continent."</p>
+
+<p>As Pate uttered these words, his guardian angel, who was anxiously
+hovering over him, wanted to warn him of his danger, but was unable to
+do so. A man of savage aspect had crept from a thicket in his rear, and,
+with a catlike step, was cautiously advancing, having a heavy club
+raised in readiness to strike.</p>
+
+<p>"In those days," said Pate, "all was darkness and barbarism; but now,
+the benign influences of&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The club descended. Pate beheld a whole constellation, and several
+planets at mid-day, and sank senseless to the earth.</p>
+
+<p>When Pate opened his eyes it was late in the afternoon. Flocks of
+parrots were fluttering around him, and multitudes of monkeys were
+chattering and nimbly leaping among the boughs of the trees. He arose
+from the greensward with a bad headache, and discovered that he had been
+robbed. His money was gone, and his mule had disappeared. Without a
+dollar, he was in a strange land and thousands of miles from home. He
+staggered on until he reached Cruces, where he entered a public house
+kept by an American, to whom he related his misfortunes.</p>
+
+<p>The man had just lost his bar-keeper, and employed M. T. Pate to wait
+upon his customers until he could earn money enough to pay his passage
+to the United States. And here he was found by Wiggins and his
+companions washing a bottle.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLVII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Wiggins and his friends furnished the unfortunate Pate with pecuniary
+means, and he accompanied them to Chagres and embarked for New York,
+where in due time they arrived, and immediately took passage on the
+Southern train. About a week after his arrival in Mapleton, Pate
+received a visit from the father of the fair Juliet, who informed him
+that his daughter, the wife of Romeo, had discovered that there had been
+a misapprehension on her part in regard to Pate's conduct.</p>
+
+<p>"There has been a sad mistake," said Mr. Singleton. "You honestly
+believed that my daughter had beaten you, and did not intend to slander
+her when you so asserted."</p>
+
+<p>"She did beat me, sir," said Pate, "and most barbarously. She knocked me
+down with her fist and then broke my arm."</p>
+
+<p>"You thought so," said Mr. Singleton; "but it was a mistake."</p>
+
+<p>"How could it be a mistake?" cried Pate. "Did I not feel the blow from
+her fist? Did I not see her standing over me, kicking me with her foot
+and beating me with a terrible club? Was not my arm broken? Did I not
+lie in bed for weeks? And then to sue me! And now I am a ruined man! I
+have not a dollar in the world!"</p>
+
+<p>And the big tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought of his destitute condition.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Pate," said the father of the fair Juliet, visibly affected by
+Pate's distress, "I am rich, and so is my daughter's husband. She is my
+only child and will inherit all my wealth. She don't want your property.
+Your farm has been purchased by us, and a deed prepared securing the
+title to you. Here is the deed, sir, and here is a check on my banker
+for a sum equal to the value of your personal property, which was sold
+by the sheriff. Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Mr. Singleton hurried away,
+leaving Pate dumb with amazement.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span></p><p>After having been haunted by bad lack for a long period Fortune smiled
+upon M. T. Pate at last. The first thing he did, after being
+re-established in his former home, was to hunt up old Whitey, then in
+the possession of Simon Rump. Simon's angel had gone to Abraham's bosom,
+and the eldest of the female cherubs, who had now assumed the appearance
+of a full-grown woman, kept house for the bereaved Rump. When Pate
+called at the house he found his friend Perch seated by the side of the
+female cherub, who was evidently delighted with his society. Perch was
+entertaining the cherub with an account of his adventures by sea and
+land, and, like Desdemona,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"She swore, in faith, 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange;</div>
+<div>'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful;</div>
+<div>She wished she had not heard it; yet she wished</div>
+<div>That Heaven had made her such a man."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The sagacity of M. T. Pate enabled him to perceive that Perch and the
+cherub were in the incipient stages of love, and he left them in that
+embarrassing condition and sought Simon Rump, whom he found feeding his
+hogs. Rump agreed to give up old Whitey, and Pate paid the ransom for
+his horse and rode home in a happy mood of mind.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning, as he was riding his four-footed friend through the
+streets of Mapleton, he perceived Wiggins walking with the widow whom he
+had once led to the altar but failed to marry, owing to an unfortunate
+blunder. They had evidently become reconciled; and Wiggins was now
+performing the part of Othello, and employing the witchcraft which that
+dusky hero had used in wooing Brabantio's daughter.</p>
+
+<p>As Pate rode on he met Gideon Foot, who informed him that Bliss had been
+blessed with an heir, and the boy was to be named M. T. Pate. Love had a
+sweet babe several weeks old, that looked like a Cupid smiling in the
+cradle, and very recently a pretty pair of young Doves had made their
+appearance in the town of Mapleton.</p>
+
+<p>Pate rode home in a meditative mood. A strange feeling came over him; a
+feeling he had never experienced before; and as he sat in his lonely
+abode, absorbed in<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> meditation, it became stronger, and finally obtained
+the mastery.</p>
+
+<p>"I see it plainly!" he exclaimed, in a soliloquy. "It is useless for man
+to seek to avoid his destiny. Inevitable Fate will pursue him wherever
+he goes. He cannot escape. My time has come. I must marry." He uttered
+these last words in great agitation, and trembled from head to foot. In
+a few moments he started up and exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I must marry;&mdash;but whom?"</p>
+
+<p>He could not answer this question, and held it under consideration for
+several months, without being able to arrive at a satisfactory
+conclusion.</p>
+
+<p>During this period he witnessed the marriage of Perch and the cherub,
+and waited on Wiggins when the latter again led the blushing widow to
+the altar, and, on a second trial, responded pertinently and
+satisfactorily to the interrogatories propounded by the parson. His two
+friends were now in the midst of domestic bliss, while he was unable to
+solve the question, which was perplexing him during the day and
+interrupting his slumbers at night.</p>
+
+<p>While in this condition of mind, he visited the metropolis of the State,
+and on a bright sunny day drove a young widow in his buggy to see a
+magnificent country residence, located a few miles from the city, which
+had just been completed, but was not yet occupied by the owner. With his
+fair companion on his arm he entered the building, and much time was
+spent in a critical examination of the various apartments, from the hall
+to the attic. The widow at last complained of fatigue, and seated
+herself in one of the parlors. Pate blandly requested her to excuse his
+absence for a few moments, and said that he would go down and explore
+the cellar. The lady waited for a long time and then began to feel
+lonesome, and finally becoming quite uneasy, impatiently exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What in the world has become of him?"</p>
+
+<p>Hardly had these words escaped her lips when she was horrified by
+hearing most singular and startling sounds coming up from the cellar
+below. It seemed as if a multitude of dogs, of every size and breed, had
+been let loose, and were all yelping and barking at the same time;
+while<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> amidst this canine uproar could be distinguished a human voice
+lustily shrieking,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Get out! get out! Help! help! Murder! murder!"</p>
+
+<p>The lady was astonished and frightened, but had courage enough to rush
+towards the scene of action. But as soon as she had reached the head of
+the stairway leading to the cellar, a sight met her eyes which compelled
+her to retire; for modesty forbade her taking any part in the strife,
+although her companion was vastly overpowered and sadly in need of
+assistance. On the stairway stood M. T. Pate; having just escaped from
+the combined assault made upon him by a large number of dogs which had
+been temporarily confined in the cellar by the proprietor of the
+mansion. The whole of poor Pate's under-garments had been torn from his
+person, and there he stood in a tailless coat and a stout pair of boots,
+thanking a merciful Providence for the preservation of his life. In this
+condition he did not dare to appear in the presence of his fair
+companion, and communication was carried on between them, by each taking
+a position in a separate apartment and calling to the other in a voice
+raised to a high key. After a prolonged consultation conducted in this
+manner, the widow proposed to leave one of her under-garments in the
+room which she then occupied and retreat to another, while he came in
+and put it on. Poor Pate thankfully accepted the loan which the kind
+lady offered him; being driven to this shift to hide his nudity. He and
+the widow were compelled to remain in that lonely mansion until the
+shades of night covered the earth, when he drove her in his buggy back
+to the city. He left her at her door and proceeded with his buggy to a
+livery-stable. Here the sight of his strange habiliments created great
+amazement among the hostlers and stable-boys; and when he started up the
+street in his robes he was arrested by the police and carried to a
+station-house; where he spent the whole night weeping and wailing on a
+hard oaken bench. In the morning he was taken before a magistrate, where
+his strange story was listened to with wonder mingled with much
+merriment; and being entirely satisfactory, he obtained his discharge,
+as well as the loan of a coat and a pair of pantaloons.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span></p><p>On the following day Pate called upon the widow and restored the
+garment borrowed from her, after the brutal assault upon his person in
+the lonely mansion. She blushed when she received it, and sank into a
+chair overcome with emotion. The heart of a woman is an inexplicable
+puzzle. Newton, with his mighty mind, could comprehend the movements of
+suns and planets and calculate their density; but woman was to him an
+incomprehensible problem, even when he pressed the hand of a fair lady
+who sat by his side, and felt that he could make so free as to thrust
+her finger into the bowl of his pipe. Who can tell what caused the widow
+to bestow her affections on M. T. Pate? Perhaps, after he had so nearly
+fallen a bleeding victim to canine ferocity,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>"She loved him for the dangers he had passed,</div>
+<div>And he loved her that she did pity them."</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Upon no other hypothesis can we account for the fact that after he had
+been in constant attendance on the widow for several weeks they were
+married. A few days afterwards a carriage drove through the streets of
+Mapleton, in which sat M. T. Pate and his bride. The event was announced
+in the local newspaper, which also contained an obituary notice of the
+death of Samuel Crabstick, who had left a will, by which he bestowed the
+riches he had so carefully hoarded on his niece, the beautiful Ida Somers.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLVIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>By the will of her uncle, Ida was in possession of a large estate. The
+fair young girl was without a near relative in the world. Colonel
+Hazlewood kindly undertook the management of her property; and, at the
+invitation of Rosabel and her mother, she made her home in the mansion
+of the Widow Wild. On a certain day we there find her seated in her room
+and engaged in composition. Her little fingers run rapidly over the
+pages, and soon finish a<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> letter of several sheets of gilt-edged
+note-paper. She gazes intently at her own name, written in a beautiful
+hand at the bottom of the last page, and then she kisses it. Having so
+done, she folds the letter, and then opens it and imprints another kiss
+on the same spot. Now, why did the young lady kiss her own name written
+at the end of the letter? Love has its unerring instincts, and Ida knew
+that as soon as a certain young gentleman opened that letter, and saw
+the name at the bottom of the last page, he would rapturously imprint a
+multitude of kisses on that particular spot. How did the young maiden
+know this? Had she not received a number of letters, and as soon as she
+saw "Tom" written at the end of each, had she not looked around to
+ascertain if any one was observing her; and then had not her ruby lips
+kissed the beloved name again and again in rapid succession? Thus Tom
+had been kissing Ida and Ida had been kissing Tom, for the last six
+months, with a whole continent between them.</p>
+
+<p>The kiss was carefully sealed up in an envelope and conveyed to the
+post-office at Mapleton. The iron monster attached to a train of cars,
+rushing through the hills and over the valleys, carried it to New York.
+A magnificent steamer transported it over the Atlantic's waves, and
+across the Mexican Golf and the Caribbean Sea to the mouth of the
+Chagres River; and from thence it traveled in a canoe to Gorgona and
+Cruces; and then rode on the back of a mule to Panama, where another
+steamer received it, and plowing through the billows of the Pacific,
+entered the Golden Gate, and took it as far as San Francisco; and from
+thence, on another steamer, it proceeded up the bay, and entering the
+river, arrived at the city of Sacramento; and then rode on the back of
+another mule across the prairies and among the mountains, and was safely
+deposited in a post-office in a mining-town, where Toney Belton was
+awaiting the arrival of the mail. We thus see how many means of
+transportation were required to convey a young lady's kiss to her lover.</p>
+
+<p>But where was the lover? About three miles from that post-office, on the
+side of a ravine, stood a young man clad in a pair of loose trousers and
+a red shirt. He<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> appeared to be engaged in culinary operations, and was,
+in fact, cooking flapjacks. His rifle leaned against a tree; his wool
+hat lay on the ground; the sleeves of his red shirt were rolled up to
+the elbow; his long beard was parted and tied in a knot behind his neck,
+so as to escape being scorched when he stooped over the fire; and he
+grasped the handle of a frying-pan, used instead of an oven, and watched
+the effect of the heat upon the material lying in the bottom of the pan.
+And now he lifts the pan from the fire and gives it a peculiar toss, and
+up flies a flapjack in the air about three feet above the pan, and,
+turning over as it descends, is caught and ready to be baked on the
+other side. Just as this feat was accomplished, a voice cried out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Here, Tom, is a letter!"</p>
+
+<p>Tom dropped the flapjack on the fire, and, in great excitement, ran to
+the spot where Toney Belton had just dismounted from a mule. The mule
+kicked at him, but Tom dodged, and, receiving the letter, hurried behind
+a pine-tree, and, seating himself on a rock, opened it. He turned it
+over, and seeing the signature, he kissed Ida several times in quick
+succession. Thus was Ida's kiss, after having traveled more than ten
+thousand miles, safely conveyed to Tom's lips.</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon read the letter and was the happiest man in the diggings.
+When he came to the last line he kissed Ida again. Tom read the letter
+over five times, and at the close of each reading his lips approached
+the paper and tenderly pressed it. When he came from behind the tree,
+Toney had eaten all the flapjacks which had been baked. He told Toney
+that old Crabstick was dead and that he must go home.</p>
+
+<p>"And so must I," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"We will start to-morrow," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"We will start from the mines to-morrow," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you had a hundred thousand dollars," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I have more than a hundred thousand dollars," said Toney. "Read that."
+And he handed Tom a letter addressed to himself. Tom read it, and then
+ran to the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> place where his wool hat lay on the ground, and, seizing it,
+threw it up in the air.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted Tom. "You can now marry Rosabel!"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER XLIX.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"Our sand-hill has been sold," said Toney, after Tom had concluded his
+enthusiastic demonstrations.</p>
+
+<p>"And for five hundred thousand dollars!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Good news for Charley when he comes into camp."</p>
+
+<p>"It is time he had returned. He and Botts and Hercules have been
+prospecting since last Monday."</p>
+
+<p>"They will be here to-day."</p>
+
+<p>"Yonder comes Hercules now. What is that he has got? It looks like a coyote."</p>
+
+<p>"No, it is a young deer."</p>
+
+<p>Hercules walked up to the fire, and, nodding his head, threw his game on
+the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Charley?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>Hercules pointed with his finger, and the Professor was seen approaching.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Botts?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He is dead," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Dead!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Got killed," said Hercules, laconically; for he was tired and taciturn.</p>
+
+<p>"Got killed!" exclaimed Toney. "How?"</p>
+
+<p>"He'll tell you," said Hercules, pointing to the Professor, who now came up.</p>
+
+<p>"It is true," said the Professor. "Botts is no more. He met with a violent death."</p>
+
+<p>"How did it happen?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He fell a victim to his ungovernable temper," said the Professor. "On
+yesterday morning he and I left Hercules cooking some game, and
+proceeded to a <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span>mining-town which we saw at a distance. Botts rode on a
+mule and I walked by his side. As we entered the town, Botts called out
+to a man whom we met,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'What place is this?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"'What?' cried Botts, with a savage look. The man made no answer, but
+went on his way whistling. We had gone a little farther when another man
+approached us.</p>
+
+<p>"'What place is this?' asked Botts.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.</p>
+
+<p>"'What's that you say?' exclaimed Botts, glaring at the stranger with a
+ferocious aspect. The man was evidently of a timid disposition. He
+looked frightened and hurried on. Botts swore vehemently, and said that
+the next fellow who cursed him would catch it. As we went along we saw a
+man on the brow of a hill which rose abruptly from the river. The man
+had his back towards us, and before him, standing on its hind legs, was
+a kangaroo dog. The man seemed to be instructing the dog in the art of dancing.</p>
+
+<p>"'I say, stranger,' cried Botts, 'what place is this?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yuba Dam,' said the man, without turning around.</p>
+
+<p>"Botts uttered a howl of rage and sprang from his mule.</p>
+
+<p>"'By the powers of mud!' shouted the man, facing about."</p>
+
+<p>"It was Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; it was Bragg," said the Professor. "Botts and Bragg eyed each
+other like two angry beasts. Both had weapons, but neither thought of
+drawing them. Each sprang at his enemy's throat. They were soon rolling
+on the ground and fiercely fighting. Botts was uppermost, when the
+kangaroo dog seized him by the seat of his breeches. A little bull
+terrier ran out from a tent and caught the kangaroo dog by the throat.
+Uttering howls of rage, and clutching each other by the throat, men and
+dogs rolled over and over, down the hill and into the river."</p>
+
+<p>"Into the water?" exclaimed Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; into the water ten feet deep."</p>
+
+<p>"What became of them?" cried Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span></p><p>"The dogs ceased to fight and swam ashore," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"But the men?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"They continued to clutch each other by the throat, and were swept away
+by the rapid current, and sank to rise no more."</p>
+
+<p>"What an awful fate!" exclaimed Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Too awful to talk about," said the Professor. "Let us select some more
+pleasant topic of conversation."</p>
+
+<p>"We have good news for you," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" asked the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Toney now informed him of the sale of the sand-hill, and of their
+intention to return to the States. A long consultation ensued, and by
+the time it had ended, Hercules had cooked the deer and it had grown
+dark. While they were eating the venison, two men encamped, and kindled
+a fire under a pine-tree, at a distance of about fifty yards from where
+they sat. After Hercules had satisfied the keen demands of hunger, he
+walked off, and, laying himself down by the trunk of a fallen tree, was
+soon in a sound sleep. Toney, Tom, and the Professor continued their
+conversation until a late hour.</p>
+
+<p>"And now, Charley," said Toney, "as this is to be our last night in the
+mines, let us have some music."</p>
+
+<p>"Give us 'Oft in the Stilly Night,'" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor drew a flute from his pocket and played the air which had
+been requested. As he concluded, a clear, manly voice, at the
+neighboring camp-fire, was heard singing:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<div>The voice! the voice of music!</div>
+<div class="i1">The melancholy flute!</div>
+<div>Mournfully on the midnight air,</div>
+<div class="i1">When all else is mute!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>As if some gentle spirit,</div>
+<div class="i1">With softly trembling voice,</div>
+<div>Imprisoned in that hollow reed,</div>
+<div class="i1">Mourned o'er perished joys!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>Cease! cease that mournful music!</div>
+<div class="i1">Oh, cease that plaintive strain!</div>
+<div>It bids me feel as I would feel</div>
+<div class="i1">Never more again!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span><div>The fairest hopes long blighted,</div>
+<div class="i1">And youth's bright visions o'er,</div>
+<div>And joys that shone so heavenly bright,</div>
+<div class="i1">Gone for evermore!</div>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<div>These mem'ries rush upon me</div>
+<div class="i1">With each sweet, mournful air;</div>
+<div>Then, cease! in mercy, cease that strain!</div>
+<div class="i1">Forbear! oh, forbear!</div>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"Good heavens!" exclaimed Toney, "I recognize that voice!" And he sprang
+up and ran to the camp-fire. Two stalwart young men, in the rough garbs
+of miners, were standing with their backs to the blazing logs.</p>
+
+<p>"Harry Vincent!" cried Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Clarence Hastings!" shouted Tom Seddon, as he rushed forward and
+grasped his long-lost friends each by the hand.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER L.</span></h2>
+
+<p>"What a madman I have been!" cried Harry.</p>
+
+<p>"And what a crazy fool I have been for five long years!" exclaimed Clarence.</p>
+
+<p>"I have been an idiot!" said Harry.</p>
+
+<p>"And I have been a brute!" said Clarence, "to desert her as I did!"</p>
+
+<p>"She is an angel!" cried Harry.</p>
+
+<p>"What must she think of me?" groaned Clarence.</p>
+
+<p>"Let us go back to the States!" said Harry, springing up impulsively.</p>
+
+<p>"You can't go to-night. We will all be off in the morning," said Tom Seddon.</p>
+
+<p>These exclamations were uttered by the two young men after a
+conversation, in which all that has been long known to the reader was fully explained.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning, before the woodpecker's tap was heard on the bark of the
+lofty pines, the young men were on their feet, and making preparations
+for their departure.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is Hercules?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span></p><p>"He is sleeping by the side of yonder old log," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I will wake him," said Toney. And he proceeded to the spot pointed out,
+and came running back as pale as a ghost.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>Toney could hardly speak. He gasped out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"A rattlesnake is coiled up on his blanket!"</p>
+
+<p>Tom Seddon was about to run to the spot, when Harry Vincent held him back.</p>
+
+<p>"Hush!" said Harry. "Make no noise, or he is a dead man!"</p>
+
+<p>He and Clarence then took their rifles and advanced cautiously to the
+place where Hercules lay in a sound sleep. The reptile was coiled up
+with its head nearly touching his shoulder. Harry put the muzzle of his
+rifle within an inch of the snake's head and fired.</p>
+
+<p>Hercules leaped up and uttered a howl. He turned round and beheld two
+strange men standing before him with rifles in their hands. With a wild
+yell of terror the giant fled across the ravine, and along a road
+leading over a mountain.</p>
+
+<p>"Come back! come back!" shouted Toney.</p>
+
+<p>But Hercules continued his flight.</p>
+
+<p>"Mount that mule, Tom, and ride after him, or the fool won't stop
+running until he gets to Oregon," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>Tom mounted the mule, and, after a long chase, captured the giant and
+brought him back to camp.</p>
+
+<p>"Look there!" said Tom, pointing to the decapitated serpent.</p>
+
+<p>"Was that it?" said Hercules. "He's a whopper!" And he stooped down and
+examined the dead body of his bed-fellow.</p>
+
+<p>"Eighteen rattles and a button!" said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Which indicate that he has lived twenty-one years," said Clarence.</p>
+
+<p>"The snake had arrived at years of discretion," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"He showed very little discretion in selecting Hercules for a sleeping
+partner," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span></p><p>"The firm of Hercules &amp; Co. would be a dangerous one to deal with,"
+said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"To avoid it would have been prudent during the lifetime of his deceased
+partner," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you going to do with them?" asked Tom, as Hercules cut off the
+rattles and put them in his pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"Carry them with me to the States, when I go," said Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"We are going back now," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you going?" asked Hercules.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Tom; "we are getting ready to start."</p>
+
+<p>"I will go too," said Hercules; "I have got gold enough."</p>
+
+<p>"What will you do with your gold when you get home?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Buy a farm, and then&mdash;&mdash;" Hercules hesitated and blushed.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what then?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"I will marry my little cousin," said the giant.</p>
+
+<p>"That's right!" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Who is your little cousin?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Polly Sampson. She is a very little woman, but she is very pretty."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, come help us to pack up, and we will all be off," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"And you can go home and marry Polly Sampson," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>Hercules went to work with alacrity, and they were soon packed up, and
+on the road to Sacramento; which place they reached late at night, and
+on the following evening were in San Francisco. They were detained in
+the city of Saint Francis several days; and the business relating to the
+sale of their sand-hill having been completed, Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor went on board the steamer with their fortunes in their
+money-belts, in the shape of drafts on banking-houses in New York. They
+soon passed through the Golden Gate and were on the broad waters of the
+Pacific Ocean. The weather was fine, and the vessel was remarkable for
+her speed. In a few days they were running along in sight of the coast
+of Lower California, and about two leagues from the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> land. The Professor
+was on deck, with a telescope in his hand, looking at the desolate
+coast, when he suddenly cried out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"There are several persons standing on the beach."</p>
+
+<p>"They are pelicans," said the captain. "At a distance they are often
+mistaken for human beings."</p>
+
+<p>"Human beings they are," said the Professor; "and, good heavens! there
+is a woman among them. They have a white handkerchief elevated as a signal of distress."</p>
+
+<p>The captain took the telescope, and, after looking through it, said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You are right. There are several men; and there is a woman among them."</p>
+
+<p>"This coast is uninhabited," said the Professor. "Who can they be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Persons escaped from some wreck," said the captain.</p>
+
+<p>"Put the ship about! Run her in towards the land! They must be rescued!"
+cried the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>"I dare not do it; the water is shoal," said the captain. "We must stop
+the engines and lower a boat."</p>
+
+<p>The order was given; the engines stop, and the boat lowered, and into it
+leaped Toney and the Professor; while six seamen manned the oars. The
+boat put off from the vessel; and the sailors pulling with a will, they
+were soon approaching the shore. Several men were seen standing on a
+rock, and one of them was waving a white handkerchief. They cheered, and
+were responded to by the loud huzzas of the party in the boat, which
+grounded within a few yards of the shore. The Professor's gaze was
+intently fixed on some object at the base of the rock.</p>
+
+<p>It was a young and beautiful woman. She was standing, with her eyes
+upturned and her hands clasped, as if thanking Heaven for their
+deliverance.</p>
+
+<p>The Professor leaped into the water, and rushed to the beach. He stood
+for a moment gazing at the beautiful girl. He then rushed forward and exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Dora!"</p>
+
+<p>As she heard his voice she started, and then, with a joyful cry of
+recognition, uttered his name, and was caught in his arms as, overcome
+with emotion, she was falling to the ground.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER LI.</span></h2>
+
+<p>Major Stanhope, the father of Dora, and an officer in the army of the
+United States, had been stationed at San Francisco. His wife was dead
+and he had no child except Dora. They had resided in California about a
+year, when the gallant soldier, who had never recovered from the effects
+of a wound received in the storming of Chapultepec, found his health
+rapidly failing, and was soon removed to another sphere of existence.
+Dora's nearest relative, her father's sister, resided in the State of
+Virginia, and the young girl had taken passage on a vessel bound for
+Panama, with the intention of returning to the place of her nativity and
+residing with her aunt. The vessel was old and unseaworthy, and went to
+pieces in a violent storm encountered off the coast of Lower California.
+The boats in which the crew and passengers sought safety were swamped,
+with the exception of one, which reached the shore in a leaky condition;
+and if the Professor had not happened to take up the captain's telescope
+when he did, Dora and the six other human beings, who were thus
+discovered, would have perished on that desolate coast.</p>
+
+<p>In a romantic valley of the Old Dominion Dora and the Professor had
+known each other in former days. The young man had tenderly loved the
+beautiful maiden, and his affection was secretly reciprocated; but on a
+certain occasion, while under the influence of temporary pique or
+caprice, Dora had rejected the man whom she deeply and sincerely loved,
+and they met no more, until, after the lapse of seven long years, fate
+brought them together on the shores of the Pacific Ocean.</p>
+
+<p>The weather continued to be fine, and the day after Dora had been
+brought on board, she had recovered from the effects of fatigue and
+exposure and came on deck with a beautiful bloom on her cheeks. The
+deportment of the Professor was now strangely altered. He was no<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> longer
+the man of wit and humor, and during the remainder of the voyage never
+uttered a joke. When the young maiden was on deck, he was constantly at
+her side, and when she retired to her state-room, he would sit for hours
+in a mood of mental abstraction.</p>
+
+<p>"What is the matter with him?" said Tom to Toney, as, on a certain
+night, they were pacing to and fro on deck and puffing their cheroots.
+"Yonder he sits, gazing at the moon, and won't talk to anybody. What do
+you think he called me just now?"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"He called me Miss Dora."</p>
+
+<p>"Did he?" said Toney, laughing.</p>
+
+<p>"He did, indeed."</p>
+
+<p>"It was by way of retaliation," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Retaliation? How?"</p>
+
+<p>"You used to call him Ida."</p>
+
+<p>"When?"</p>
+
+<p>"When you were in Doubting Castle."</p>
+
+<p>"What sort of a place is that?"</p>
+
+<p>"You ought to know; you dwelt in it for some time. Poor Charley is in
+Doubting Castle. Let him alone. He will soon get out. I have observed
+the demeanor of the young lady when they were together, and I know, from
+certain unmistakable signs, that Charley will not have to listen to
+another negative. All is right. He will soon be the same jovial and
+agreeable companion he has hitherto been."</p>
+
+<p>"He is a very disagreeable fellow now," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"He used to say the same thing of you when you called him Ida, and would
+not let him sleep with your incessant somniloquism."</p>
+
+<p>"I think we should call ourselves the Silent Philosophers," said Tom.
+"Harry and Clarence are thoughtful and taciturn, except when they are
+complaining about the slowness of the vessel. As for Charley, I believe
+he would not care if we were on a voyage of circumnavigation around the
+globe, now he has Dora on board."</p>
+
+<p>"Our voyage on the Pacific is ended," said Toney. "Yonder is Panama."</p>
+
+<p>"Where?" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span></p><p>"Do you not see the lights along the land?" said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>The voice of the captain was now heard issuing orders, which satisfied
+Tom that they were about to go into port.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER LII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>On the following morning, having landed on the soil of Central America,
+they started across the Isthmus. Dora rode on a little mule, and the
+Professor walked by her side, holding the bridle. Toney and Tom, with
+Clarence and Harry, proceeded on foot, Hercules bringing up the rear
+with a huge club in his hand. It was wonderful to witness the tender
+solicitude of the Professor for Dora. Along the road were a number of
+small houses, where the natives sold fruit and coffee to travelers, who
+came in crowds after a steamer had arrived at Panama. At these houses
+Dora's mule would halt, and the Professor would go in, and come forth
+with a nice cup of coffee; and as the young maiden put it to her lips
+her beautiful blue eyes would be peeping over the top of the cup at the
+smiling face of her escort with a most tender expression. He would then
+select the most delicious fruit and hand it to Dora, who would receive
+it with a sweet smile, which made some of the rough miners, passing,
+imagine that an angel sat on the back of the little mule.</p>
+
+<p>Toney and his companions frequently halted to rest; and Dora's mule was
+far in advance of them on the road. When within a short distance of
+Cruces, they came to the spot where the anchor lay, near the side of the
+road. Here they beheld Dora and the Professor seated on the anchor and
+the mule quietly cropping the grass.</p>
+
+<p>"Look yonder!" said Tom. And he started towards the pair seated on the anchor.</p>
+
+<p>"Come on!" said Toney, with a peculiar look. Tom<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> took the hint, and,
+with his companions, continued to walk on in the direction of Cruces.</p>
+
+<p>"All's right!" said Toney, in a whisper, to Tom. "The anchor is the
+emblem of hope."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think he will now get out of Doubting Castle?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I know it," said Toney. "Let us move on. Yonder is Cruces."</p>
+
+<p>They stopped at the public house, where Wiggins and his companions found
+the unfortunate M. T. Pate washing a bottle. In about an hour the
+Professor arrived, leading Dora's little mule by the bridle. The
+Professor's face was radiant with happiness; and Dora's cheeks were
+covered with a multitude of the most beautiful blushes. Toney and Tom
+exchanged looks of peculiar significance.</p>
+
+<p>The young lady rested at the public house; while the Professor walked
+with Toney and his companions to the river, where they hired canoes to
+convey them to Chagres. While they were bargaining with the negroes who
+were to row them down the river, the Professor uttered a number of
+jokes, which satisfied Tom that he was going to be an agreeable fellow
+again. As they were returning to the public house, the Professor took
+Toney aside, and informed him that, while seated on the anchor in the
+wood, he had again earnestly entreated Dora to assist him in his search
+for domestic bliss and connubial felicity.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Toney; "and what was the result?"</p>
+
+<p>"The proposition was decided in the affirmative," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Toney grasped the Professor's hand, and shook it violently.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I tell Tom?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"You may, but with the injunction of secrecy," said the Professor.</p>
+
+<p>Tom was informed of the event which had occurred on Pizarro's anchor in
+the wood, and he laid hold on the Professor and hugged him.</p>
+
+<p>"Confound it, Tom!" said the Professor. "You hug like a cinnamon bear."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't help it!" said Tom. "I am so glad! And<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> Toney has a hundred
+thousand dollars. Hurrah! hurrah!"</p>
+
+<p>"When we get home, let no one know that I have a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"I wish the Widow Wild to suppose that I have come home as poor as I was
+when I left," said Toney. "I will explain my reasons hereafter, and may
+need your assistance."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't I tell Ida?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Rosabel and Ida must be informed; but with the injunction of secrecy.
+Do you promise to conceal my good fortune?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do; I will say nothing, except by your permission."</p>
+
+<p>On the following day they arrived at Chagres, and took passage for New
+York, which city they reached after a pleasant voyage, and on the next
+day were in Baltimore. Here the Professor left them, and accompanied
+Dora to her home in Virginia. Toney and his friends arrived in Mapleton
+at night. They urged Clarence and Harry to remain here until morning;
+but the two young men were impatient to reach Bella Vista, and, taking
+leave of Toney and Tom, were wafted away in the direction of the homes
+from which they had been absent during five long years.</p>
+
+<p>When Clarence Hastings and Harry Vincent approached Bella Vista it was
+midnight. In their impatience, each young man had put his head out the
+window of a car.</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens! what means that light?" cried Clarence.</p>
+
+<p>"The town's on fire!" exclaimed Harry.</p>
+
+<p>On rushed the iron horse, and as they entered the town the street was
+illuminated by a conflagration.</p>
+
+<p>Around the mansion of Colonel Hazlewood are collected excited crowds of
+people. Flames are bursting from the roof, and nearly the whole interior
+is in a blaze. The inmates had been aroused by the cry of fire, in the
+middle of the night, and all have escaped. No; not all! Where are Imogen
+and Claribel? Their shrieks are heard; they are in the burning house,
+and surrounded by the crackling flames.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span></p><p>"My child! my child!" cries the gray-haired Colonel Hazlewood in an
+agony. He rushes into the building, and attempts to ascend the stairway,
+which is on fire. Suffocated by the dense smoke, he falls back
+insensible, and is dragged from the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Bring ladders! bring ladders!" is shouted by a number of voices; but no
+ladders are at hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, God! oh, God! must they perish? Can nobody save them?" are the
+exclamations heard on every side. Several men rush into the house and
+are driven back by the smoke and the intense heat. While all stand
+still, with horror depicted in their countenances, two men come running
+with frantic speed to the spot. In an instant they seem to comprehend
+the danger of the young females, whose shrieks are heard from an upper
+chamber. Into the midst of the smoke and flames they rush, ascend the
+stairway, regardless of the scorching heat, and in a moment are seen
+leaping through a window upon the roof of a portico, each holding in his
+arms the form of a woman who has fainted. A loud shout goes up from the
+crowd. A ladder has been brought, and the two men descend, and rush to
+the opposite side of the street with their lovely burdens in their arms,
+as, with a terrific crash, the burning roof falls in. Colonel Hazlewood,
+recovering from his swoon, staggers across the street to utter his thanks.</p>
+
+<p>"Harry Vincent!" he exclaimed. And Imogen opens her eyes and beholds her
+long-lost lover, while Claribel is still unconscious in the arms of Clarence Hastings.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER LIII.</span></h2>
+
+<p>The happiest month of Tom Seddon's life had rolled round,&mdash;the month
+preceding his marriage with the beautiful Ida. Toney Belton also seemed
+happy, and so did Rosabel, and the only discontented person in the Widow
+Wild's mansion was the widow herself. Nothing had been told her about
+the sale of the sand-hill; and the eight thousand dollars, the amount of
+gold which Toney acknowledged he had gathered by hard labor in the
+mines, made but a small portion of the sum necessary to constitute a
+fortune for a gentleman. The widow was dissatisfied with Fate on account
+of her hard dealings with Toney Belton.</p>
+
+<p>Rosabel knew better. Under the injunction of secrecy, she and Ida had
+been made acquainted with the good fortune of their lovers, and knew
+that they were in the possession of wealth. Toney had considerable
+difficulty, however, to induce Rosabel to co-operate with him in his
+plans for giving the widow an agreeable surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"Why not go to my mother and ask her to consent to our marriage?" said
+Rosabel. "She would interpose no objection, and you could inform her of
+your good fortune afterwards."</p>
+
+<p>"Rosabel," said Toney, "when your mother, years ago, said, in my
+presence, with peculiar emphasis, that no man should marry her daughter
+who was not worth a hundred thousand dollars, I made a solemn vow never
+to ask her consent."</p>
+
+<p>"You did?" exclaimed Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; not even if I should some day be worth a million. I cannot break my vow."</p>
+
+<p>"I must consult with Ida," said Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Do so," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>On the following day Tom and Ida were to be married. Toney and Rosabel
+were to accompany them to the church; and the widow would receive them
+at her house<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> after the marriage ceremony was performed. Tom and the
+widow were alone in earnest conversation.</p>
+
+<p>"I would not swop with Adam if he were here with his Eden," said Tom.
+"There could be but one addition to my happiness."</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"I have a friend who dearly loves a young lady, and has loved her all
+his life; but he is supposed to be poor."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what of that?" said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"He has not obtained her parent's consent to their marriage," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Is your friend a worthy man&mdash;a clever fellow?" asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"He is, indeed," said Tom. "I know of but one man who is his equal in
+all noble qualities."</p>
+
+<p>"Who is that?" asked the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Toney Belton," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"If your friend is like Toney Belton, he is good enough to marry an
+emperor's daughter," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"But the young lady's parent&mdash;her mother&mdash;may not consent on account of
+his poverty," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Let your friend marry the young lady, and obtain her mother's
+approbation afterwards," said the widow, with much decision in her tone.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that your advice?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"It is," said the widow. "A parent is a fool to object to a man who can
+be compared with Toney Belton."</p>
+
+<p>"I want my friend to be married when I am," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, let him be married at the same time," said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"But where are they to go until the young lady's parent becomes
+reconciled?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Bring them here," said the widow; "I will welcome them; and they can
+remain here until the foolish mother becomes reconciled."</p>
+
+<p>"I will do so," said Tom. And he hurried away to inform Rosabel and
+Toney of the widow's advice.</p>
+
+<p>"You will not act contrary to your mother's wishes?" said Toney to Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span></p><p>"Certainly not," said Rosabel, with a sweet smile. "I have always been
+her obedient daughter."</p>
+
+<p>On the day appointed for the wedding, a carriage, containing Ida and
+Rosabel, Toney and Tom, was driven away from the widow's door to the
+church. In about an hour the Widow Wild heard the sound of wheels on the
+avenue, and rushed to the porch. As Tom handed Ida out, the widow caught
+the beautiful bride in her arms, and kissed her with tender affection.
+She congratulated the newly-married couple, and then said to Tom,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"But where is your friend?"</p>
+
+<p>"Here he is," said Tom, pointing to Toney, who was getting from the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>"What! Toney?"</p>
+
+<p>Tom nodded.</p>
+
+<p>"Is Toney your friend?"</p>
+
+<p>"He is, and ever has been, the best and noblest of friends," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"But is Toney married?" cried the widow, turning pale.</p>
+
+<p>"He is," said Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Where is his wife?" gasped the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Let me introduce you to her," said Toney, as he handed the blushing
+Rosabel from the carriage.</p>
+
+<p>"What? Rosabel?"</p>
+
+<p>"Rosabel," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Rosabel married?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"To whom?"</p>
+
+<p>"To Toney Belton."</p>
+
+<p>The widow was speechless for a moment. She then took Toney and Rosabel
+each by the hand, and said,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Now, tell me,&mdash;are you two married?"</p>
+
+<p>"We are indeed," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>The widow kissed Rosabel, and then threw her arms around Toney's neck
+and kissed him. And then Mrs. Wild blubbered out,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Toney, why did you do so?"</p>
+
+<p>"I thought you would not let me have Rosabel."</p>
+
+<p>"Toney Belton, you were a fool! You might have had Rosabel five years
+ago if you had asked me."</p>
+
+<p>"Did you not always say that no man should marry your<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> daughter unless
+he was worth a hundred thousand dollars?"</p>
+
+<p>"And were you not worth a hundred thousand dollars five years ago?"</p>
+
+<p>"I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes;&mdash;you. A man with nobility of mind, and heart, and soul," said the
+widow, "is worth more than hundred thousand dollars to the woman who
+marries him; while many a mean fellow, who has a hundred thousand
+dollars in his possession, is not worth a pinch of snuff."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><span>CHAPTER LIV.</span></h2>
+
+<p>About a week after they were married, Toney and Tom, with their brides,
+went to Bella Vista, and witnessed the union of Harry Vincent and Imogen
+Hazlewood, and of Clarence Hastings and Claribel Carrington. Upon his
+return to Mapleton, Toney received a letter from the Professor,
+informing him of his marriage with Dora. Dora's aunt having died, about
+six months before their arrival in Virginia, she had no near relative;
+and her husband had determined to purchase an estate near Mapleton,
+where they would, in future, reside. Toney was authorized to enter into
+negotiations for the purchase of the property.</p>
+
+<p>While Toney and Tom were standing near the post-office, conversing about
+the contents of the Professor's letter, Seddon suddenly exclaimed,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Look!&mdash;look yonder!"</p>
+
+<p>On the opposite side of the street they beheld what appeared to be a
+procession of giants and dwarfs. In front walked Cleopatra with little
+Love on her arm. Next followed Theodosia with Dove, who looked like a
+pigmy by her side. After them came Sophonisba with Bliss; and in the
+rear was Hercules with a very pretty but unusually diminutive woman. The
+giant could not stoop<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> to give her his arm, but led her by the hand. The
+procession passed on, and entered the house of Gideon Foot.</p>
+
+<p>"Who in the world was that little woman?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"His wife," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"Is Hercules married?"</p>
+
+<p>"He was married about a week ago to his little cousin Polly Sampson. He
+bought a farm adjoining that of Moses, whose father is dead. Hercules
+lives out there with his little wife, and has, I suppose, brought her
+into town on a visit to his relations."</p>
+
+<p>"And what has become of Moses?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"Moses is also married."</p>
+
+<p>"He is?" exclaimed Tom, in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; he is married notwithstanding his dread of the female sex."</p>
+
+<p>"How did it ever happen?"</p>
+
+<p>"By the death of his father, Moses became a landed proprietor, and is
+the owner of a fine farm in a high state of cultivation. Several
+enterprising young maidens endeavored to make an impression on his
+heart; but he could not be induced to go into their society until, on a
+certain occasion, there was a rural festival in the neighborhood, called
+an apple-butter boiling."</p>
+
+<p>"Did Moses go to that?"</p>
+
+<p>"He would not have gone had not some waggish young farmers first put him
+in an abnormal condition, by the consumption of a considerable quantity
+of hard cider. The cider imparted a wonderful degree of courage, and
+Moses went to the festival, where he soon found himself surrounded by
+rustic beauties. Moses drank more cider and became more courageous.
+Finally, as he sat in a corner with a pretty maiden, he popped the question."</p>
+
+<p>"He did?"</p>
+
+<p>"The young maiden said 'Yes' with a sweet smile, and looked so pretty
+that Moses kissed her."</p>
+
+<p>"Great thunder!" cried Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"When Moses got sober he was greatly alarmed; but it was too late to
+recede. More than twenty people had<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> heard his promise of marriage. The
+young woman's father threatened to have a suit brought for breach of
+promise; and her big brother said that he would cudgel the swain if he
+proved false to his engagement. So Moses, dreadfully frightened, was led
+like a lamb to the altar, and now has a very pretty wife, and looks
+contented and happy."</p>
+
+<p>Toney purchased the property for his friend, and in a few weeks the
+Professor and Dora arrived with the intention of making it their
+permanent home. Tom became the owner of an adjoining estate. The three
+friends, with their wives, frequently assembled in the parlor of the
+Widow Wild, with whom Toney and Rosabel continued to reside after their
+marriage. Not long subsequent to the arrival of the Professor and Dora,
+Clarence and Harry, with Claribel and Imogen, came to Mapleton on a
+visit. During the conversation of the evening, Tom asked Toney if he
+still adhered to the opinion which he once so emphatically expressed as
+they sat on the veranda of the hotel in Bella Vista.</p>
+
+<p>"What was that?" asked Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"That the right man is never married to the right woman."</p>
+
+<p>"No; I do not," said Toney, with emphasis. And he looked at Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"There must be a recantation of such opinions when experience has
+demonstrated their fallacy," said the Professor, with a look of tender
+affection at Dora. Each husband looked at his wife, and each wife
+returned the glance; and it was evident that the ladies and gentlemen
+present were unanimously of opinion that the right men had been married
+to the right women.</p>
+
+<p>"And what has become of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts?" asked Tom.</p>
+
+<p>"The organization has been destroyed by a power which man has never been
+able to resist," said Toney.</p>
+
+<p>"What is that?" asked Rosabel.</p>
+
+<p>"Love," said her husband.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Amor vincit omnia</i>," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat;
+and, bidding his friends good-night, <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span>conducted Dora to their carriage.
+As they rode homeward, Dora inquired the meaning of those Latin words,
+and they were translated by her husband; and she now learned that even
+the stern old Romans recognized and acknowledged the</p>
+
+<p class="bold"><span class="smcap">Omnipotence of Love.</span></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk">&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p class="center">THE END.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="bold"><a name="POPULAR_WORKS" id="POPULAR_WORKS"></a>POPULAR WORKS</p>
+
+<p class="bold">PUBLISHED BY</p>
+
+<p class="bold2">J. B. LIPPINCOTT &amp; CO.,</p>
+
+<p class="bold">PHILADELPHIA.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>WILL BE SENT BY MAIL, POST-PAID, ON RECEIPT OF PRICE.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="smler" />
+
+<blockquote><p class="tbrk bold"><i>Forgiven at Last.</i> <i>A Novel.</i> <i>By Jeannette R.</i> <span class="smcap">Hadermann</span>. 12mo.
+Fine cloth. $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"A well-told romance. It is of that order of tales originating with Miss
+Charlotte Bront&eacute;."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Even. Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The style is animated, and the characters are not deficient in
+individuality."&mdash;<i>Phila. Age.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>The Old Countess.</i> <i>A Romance.</i> <i>From the German</i> of <span class="smcap">Edmund Hofer</span>,
+by the translator of "Over Yonder," "Magdalena," etc. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.</p>
+
+<p>"A charming story of life in an old German castle, told in the pleasant
+German manner that attracts attention and keeps it throughout."&mdash;<i>The
+Phila. Day.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The story is not long, is sufficiently involved to compel wonder and
+suspense, and ends very happily."&mdash;<i>The North American.</i></p>
+
+<p>"An interesting story."&mdash;<i>The Inquirer.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Bound Down; or, Life and Its Possibilities.</i> <i>A</i> Novel. By <span class="smcap">Anna M.
+Fitch</span>. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.50.</p>
+
+<p>"It is a remarkable book."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Even. Mail.</i></p>
+
+<p>"An interesting domestic story, which will be perused with pleasure from
+beginning to end."&mdash;<i>Baltimore Even. Bulletin.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The author of this book has genius; it is written cleverly, with
+occasional glimpses into deep truths.... Dr. Marston and Mildred are
+splendid characters."&mdash;<i>Phila. Presbyterian.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Henry Courtland; or, What A Farmer can Do.</i> A Novel. By <span class="smcap">A. J.
+Cline</span>. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"This volume belongs to a class of prose fiction unfortunately as rare
+as it is valuable.... The whole story hangs well together."&mdash;<i>Phila. Press.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Rougegorge. By Harriet Prescott Spofford.</i> With other Short
+Stories by <span class="smcap">Alice Cary</span>, <span class="smcap">Lucy H. Hooper</span>, <span class="smcap">Jane G. Austin</span>, <span class="smcap">A. L.
+Wister</span>, <span class="smcap">L. C. Davis</span>, <span class="smcap">Frank Lee Benedict</span>, etc. 8vo. With
+Frontispiece. Paper cover. 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p>"This is a rare collection."&mdash;<i>Chicago Even. Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Admirable series of attractive Tales."&mdash;<i>Charleston Courier.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The contents are rich, varied and attractive."&mdash;<i>Pittsburg Gazette.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>The Great Empress.</i> <i>An Historical Portrait.</i> <i>By</i> Professor
+<span class="smcap">Schele de Vere</span>, of the University of Virginia. 12mo. Extra cloth.
+$1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"This portrait of Agrippina is drawn with great distinctness, and the
+book is almost dramatic in its interest."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Observer.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span></p><p class="tbrk bold"><i>True Love.</i> <i>By Lady di Beauclerk,</i> <i>author of</i> "A Summer and
+Winter in Norway," etc. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.25.</p>
+
+<p>"Is a pleasing little story well told."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Independent.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This pleasantly told love story presents pictures of English society
+that will repay the reader."&mdash;<i>Pittsburg Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Many of the scenes of her novel are drawn with truth and vigor.... The
+interest is sustained throughout the story."&mdash;<i>Hearth and Home.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Carlino.</i> <i>By the author of "Doctor Antonio,"</i> "Lorenzo Benoni,"
+etc. 8vo. Illustrated. Paper cover. 35 cents.</p>
+
+<p>"It is beautifully written, and is one of the best delineations of
+character that has been written lately."&mdash;<i>Phila. Day.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a capital little story.... A simple and wholesome story
+charmingly told."&mdash;<i>Brooklyn Eagle.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Strange and deeply interesting."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Hearth and Home.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Walter Ogilby.</i> <i>A Novel.</i> <i>By Mrs. J. H. Kinzie,</i> author of
+"Wau-bun", etc. Two volumes in one vol. 12mo. 619 pages. Toned
+paper. Extra cloth. $2.</p>
+
+<p>"One of the best American novels we have had the pleasure of reading for
+some time. The descriptions of scenery are spirited sketches, bringing
+places before the reader, and there is nothing strained, sensational or
+improbable in the cleverly-constructed incidents. Even the graduating
+week at West Point, though a hackneyed subject, is presented with the
+charm of freshness as well as reality. This is a thoroughly good
+novel."&mdash;<i>Philada. Press.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Askaros Kassis, the Copt.</i> <i>A Romance of Modern</i> Egypt. By <span class="smcap">Edwin
+de Leon</span>, late U. S. Consul-General for Egypt. 12mo. Toned paper. Extra cloth. $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"This book, while possessing all the characteristics of a Romance, is
+yet a vivid reproduction of Eastern life and manners."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Times.</i></p>
+
+<p>"He has written us this thrilling tale, based on miscellaneous facts,
+which he calls 'A Romance of Modern Egypt,' and in which he vividly
+depicts the life of rulers and people."&mdash;<i>Chicago Advance.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Beyond the Breakers.</i> <i>A Story of the Present</i> Day. By the Hon.
+<span class="smcap">Robert Dale Owen</span>. 8vo. Illustrated. Fine cloth. $2.</p>
+
+<p>"All readers of taste, culture and thought will feel attracted and
+impressed by it.... We have, for ourselves, read it with deep interest
+and with genuine pleasure, and can say for it that which we could say of
+few novels of to-day&mdash;that we hope some time to read it over
+again."&mdash;<i>N. Y. Independent.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Compensation; or, Always a Future.</i> <i>A Novel.</i> <i>By</i> <span class="smcap">Anne M. H.
+Brewster</span>. Second edition. 12mo. Fine cloth. $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"It is an interesting work, and particularly so to those who are
+musically inclined, as much useful information may be gained from
+it."&mdash;<i>Boston Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We recommend this book to all who are not longing for agony; for such
+patrons it is too gentle and too delicate."&mdash;<i>Phila. North American.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The writer exhibits a happy talent for description, and evinces a rare
+taste and genius for music."&mdash;<i>Boston Recorder.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span></p><p class="tbrk bold"><i>The American Beaver and his Works.</i> <i>By Lewis</i> <span class="smcap">H. Morgan</span>, author
+of "The League of the Iroquois." Handsomely illustrated with
+twenty-three full-page Lithographs and numerous Wood-Cuts. One vol.
+8vo. Tinted paper. Cloth extra, $5.</p>
+
+<p>"The book may be pronounced an expansive and standard work on the
+American beaver, and a valuable contribution to science."&mdash;<i>N.Y. Herald.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The book is an octavo of three hundred and thirty pages, on very thick
+paper, handsomely bound and abundantly illustrated with maps and
+diagrams. It is a complete scientific, practical, historical and
+descriptive treatise on the subject of which it treats, and will form a
+standard for those who are seeking knowledge in this department of
+animal life.... By the publication of this book, Messrs. J. B.
+Lippincott &amp; Co., of Philadelphia, have really done a service to science
+which we trust will be well rewarded."&mdash;<i>Boston Even. Traveler.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>The Autobiography of Dr. Benjamin Franklin.</i></p>
+
+<p>The first and only complete edition of Franklin's Memoirs. Printed
+from the original MS. With Notes and an Introduction. Edited by the
+<span class="smcap">Hon. John Bigelow</span>, late Minister of the United States to France.
+With Portrait from a line Engraving on Steel. Large 12mo. Toned
+paper. Fine cloth, beveled boards, $2.50.</p>
+
+<p>"The discovery of the original autograph of Benjamin Franklyn's
+characteristic narrative of his own life was one of the fortunate events
+of Mr. Bigelow's diplomatic career. It has given him the opportunity of
+producing a volume of rare bibliographical interest, and performing a
+valuable service to the cause of letters. He has engaged in his task
+with the enthusiasm of an American scholar, and completed it in a manner
+highly creditable to his judgment and industry."&mdash;<i>The New York Tribune.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Every one who has at heart the honor of the nation, the interest of
+American literature and the fame of Franklin will thank the author for
+so requisite a national service, and applaud the manner and method of
+its fulfillment."&mdash;<i>Boston Even. Transcript.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>The Dervishes.</i> <i>History of the Dervishes;</i> <i>or,</i> Oriental
+Spiritualism. By <span class="smcap">John P. Brown</span>, Interpreter of the American
+Legation at Constantinople. With twenty-four Illustrations. One
+vol. crown 8vo. Tinted paper. Cloth, $3.50.</p>
+
+<p>"In this volume are the fruits of long years of study and investigation,
+with a great deal of personal observation. It treats, in an exhaustive
+manner, of the belief and principles of the Dervishes.... On the whole,
+this is a thoroughly original work, which cannot fail to become a book
+of reference."&mdash;<i>The Philada. Press.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>New America.</i> <i>By Wm. Hepworth Dixon.</i> <i>Fourth</i> edition. Crown
+8vo. With Illustrations. Tinted paper. Extra cloth, $2.75.</p>
+
+<p>"In this graphic volume Mr. Dixon sketches American men and women
+sharply, vigorously and truthfully, under every aspect."&mdash;<i>Dublin
+University Magazine.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span></p><p class="tbrk bold"><i>The Old Mam'selle's Secret.</i> <i>After the German</i> of E. Marlitt,
+author of "Gold Elsie," "Countess Gisela," &amp;c. By <span class="smcap">Mrs. A. L.
+Wister</span>. Sixth edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"A more charming story, and one which, having once commenced, it seemed
+more difficult to leave, we have not met with for many a day."&mdash;<i>The
+Round Table.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Is one of the most intense, concentrated, compact novels of the day....
+And the work has the minute fidelity of the author of 'The Initials,'
+the dramatic unity of Reade, and the graphic power of George
+Elliot."&mdash;<i>Columbus (O.) Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Appears to be one of the most interesting stories that we have had from
+Europe for many a day."&mdash;<i>Boston Traveler.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Gold Elsie.</i> <i>From the German of E. Marlitt,</i> author of the "Old
+Mam'selle's Secret," "Countess Gisela," &amp;c. By <span class="smcap">Mrs. A. L. Wister</span>.
+Fifth edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1,75.</p>
+
+<p>"A charming book. It absorbs your attention from the title-page to the
+end."&mdash;<i>The Home Circle.</i></p>
+
+<p>"A charming story charmingly told."&mdash;<i>Baltimore Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Countess Gisela.</i> <i>From the German of E. Marlitt,</i> author of "The
+Old Mam'selle's Secret," "Gold Elsie," "Over Yonder," &amp;c. By <span class="smcap">Mrs.
+A. L. Wister</span>. Third Edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.</p>
+
+<p>"There is more dramatic power in this than in any of the stories by the
+same author that we have read."&mdash;<i>N.O. Times.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a story that arouses the interest of the reader from the
+outset."&mdash;<i>Pittsburg Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The best work by this author."&mdash;<i>Philada. Telegraph.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Over Yonder.</i> <i>From the German of E. Marlitt,</i> author of "Countess
+Gisela," "Gold Elsie," &amp;c. Third edition. With a full-page
+Illustration. 8vo. Paper cover, 30cts.</p>
+
+<p>"'Over Yonder' is a charming novelette. The admirers of 'Old Mam'selle's
+Secret' will give it a glad reception, while those who are ignorant of
+the merits of this author will find in it a pleasant introduction to the
+works of a gifted writer."&mdash;<i>Daily Sentinel.</i></p>
+
+<p class="tbrk bold"><i>Three Thousand Miles through the Rocky Mountains.</i> By <span class="smcap">A. K.
+McClure</span>. Illustrated. 12mo. Tinted paper Extra Cloth, $2.</p>
+
+<p>"Those wishing to post themselves on the subject of that magnificent and
+extraordinary Rocky Mountain dominion should read the Colonel's
+book."&mdash;<i>New York Times.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The work makes one of the most satisfactory itineraries that has been
+given to us from this region, and must be read with both pleasure and
+profit."&mdash;<i>Philada. North American.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We have never seen a book of Western travels which so thoroughly and
+completely satisfied us as this, nor one written in such agreeable and
+charming style."&mdash;<i>Bradford Reporter.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The letters contain many incidents of Indian life and adventures of
+travel which impart novel charms to them."&mdash;<i>Chicago Evening Journal.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The book is full of useful information."&mdash;<i>New York Independent.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Let him who would have some proper conception of the limitless material
+richness of the Rocky Mountain region, read this book."&mdash;<i>Charleston
+(S.C.) Courier.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Funny Philosophers, by George Yellott
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Funny Philosophers
+       Wags and Sweethearts
+
+Author: George Yellott
+
+Release Date: March 17, 2011 [EBook #35599]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charlene Taylor, Marilynda Fraser-Cunliffe,
+Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images
+produced by the Wright American Fiction Project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS,
+
+OR
+
+WAGS AND SWEETHEARTS.
+
+
+A NOVEL.
+
+
+BY GEORGE YELLOTT.
+
+
+PHILADELPHIA:
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.
+
+1872.
+
+
+Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, by
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
+In the Office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington.
+
+
+
+
+THE FUNNY PHILOSOPHERS.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+
+"My great-grandfather was a philosopher, and why should not his
+descendants be allowed the privilege of cogitating for themselves? I
+tell you that Sir Isaac Newton was mistaken. There is no such thing as
+the attraction of gravitation."
+
+This was said by Toney Belton, a young lawyer, in reply to his friend
+Tom Seddon, a junior member of the same profession.
+
+They were seated on the veranda of a hotel in the town of Bella Vista,
+gazing at the starry heavens; and Tom had made some remark about the
+wonderful revelations of science.
+
+"What a pity it is, Toney Belton, that you are not a subject of her
+Majesty of England. Your extraordinary discovery would entitle you to
+the honors of knighthood, and we might read of a Sir Anthony Belton as
+well as of a Sir Isaac Newton. But how will you demonstrate to the world
+that there is no such thing as the attraction of gravitation?"
+
+"Demonstrate it, Tom Seddon! Why, I can make it as plain as the
+proboscis on the countenance of an elephant."
+
+"Do you mean to say that bodies do not fall to the earth by the power of
+attraction?"
+
+"That is precisely what I mean. I assert that a heavy body may fall
+upward as well as downward."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha!"
+
+"As the old Greek said, Strike, but hear, so I say, Laugh, but listen.
+Will you allow me to suppose a case?"
+
+"That is the privilege of all philosophers. The cosmology of the
+Oriental sage would have fallen into the vast vacuity of space had he
+not brought to its support a hypothetical foundation. Proceed with your
+demonstration."
+
+"Suppose, then, that an immense well should be dug from the surface of
+the American continent entirely through the earth. We will not stop to
+inquire into the possibility of such an excavation, but will suppose
+that the work has been accomplished."
+
+"Be it so. Your well has been dug, and extends entirely through the
+earth, from the United States of America to the Celestial Empire. What
+then?"
+
+"Suppose that Clarence Hastings should be walking home about twelve
+o'clock at night. It would then be broad daylight in the dominions of
+his Majesty the Brother of the Sun and the Cousin of the Moon, and the
+Celestials would be picking tea-leaves or parboiling puppies. Suppose, I
+say, that Clarence should be walking home after having spent the last
+four or five hours in the delightful society of the lovely Claribel.
+Now, it is highly probable that Clarence would be gazing upward at the
+lunar orb and meditating a sonnet."
+
+"Nay; Harry Vincent is the sonneteer. I verily believe that he has
+dedicated a little poem of fourteen lines to nearly every visible star
+in the heavens, and solemnly swears in the most mellifluous verses that
+none of them are half so bright as the eyes of the bewitching Imogen."
+
+"Let it be Harry Vincent, then, who is walking home and making his
+astronomical observations with a view to the disparagement of the stars,
+when brought in comparison with the optical orbs of his lady-love. We
+will suppose that he is gazing at yonder star which is now winking at
+us, as if it heard every word of our conversation. He would take but
+little heed to his footsteps while his gaze was fixed upon the star and
+his thoughts were wandering away to Imogen. As he exclaimed, 'Oh,
+Imogen! thine eyes exceed in brightness all the glittering gems that
+bespangle the garments of the glorious night,' he would tumble into the
+well."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! Good-by, Harry."
+
+"Would he not rapidly descend?"
+
+"I should think that he would."
+
+"Would he stop falling when there was no bottom to the well?"
+
+"It is impossible to suppose that he would."
+
+"Then he would fall entirely through the well and would be falling
+upward when he issued from the other end, and our worthy antipodes, the
+tea-pickers, would open their eyes in amazement, and their pig-tails
+would stand erect when they beheld the handsome Harry Vincent falling
+upward, and heard him loudly exclaiming, 'Oh, Imogen!' and he would
+continue to fall upward until he was intercepted by the earth's
+satellite and became the guest of the man in the moon."
+
+"A most delightful abode for a romantic lover. But, as you do not
+believe in the attraction of gravitation, what have you to say about the
+attraction of love?"
+
+"The attraction of love? Another of your delusions, Thomas. Now, if you
+had ever seen my definition of love, in the dictionary which I have in
+manuscript, and intend to publish some day when Noah Webster shall have
+become obsolete, you would not talk of attraction in that connection."
+
+"What is your definition of love?"
+
+"Love is a state of hostility between two persons of opposite sexes."
+
+"Of hostility?"
+
+"Yes; in which each belligerent endeavors to subjugate the other,
+regardless of the sufferings inflicted."
+
+"This is as queer a paradox as that in relation to the possibility of a
+man falling upward."
+
+"No paradox at all, but a most obvious truth. There is Claribel
+Carrington, who looks like an innocent and enchanting little fairy."
+
+"She is superbly beautiful, and Clarence Hastings would barter his
+existence for a soft, kindly glance from her deep blue eye. They are in
+love with one another, that is evident."
+
+"And being in love, hostilities have commenced; and, if I mistake not,
+the war will be conducted by the lady with unexampled barbarity. When
+we enter the ball-room to-night, you will perceive this angelic creature
+inflicting more torture on poor Clarence than a pitiless savage inflicts
+with his scalping-knife on his victim; and all because she is dead in
+love with him, and he with her."
+
+"Toney Belton, you deserve to have your eyes scratched out by a bevy of
+beautiful damsels for your disparaging opinion of the last best gift."
+
+"Let them scratch; for women are like cats."
+
+"Like cats?"
+
+"There is a striking similitude between them; and when a man with a
+pulpy brain and a penetrable bosom falls into the hands of a beautiful
+and fascinating woman, he is much in the condition of an unfortunate
+mouse in the paws of a remorseless pussy. Indeed, nearly all truly
+faithful and devoted lovers have to undergo an ordeal like that of the
+helpless captive in feline clutches. The cruel cat will at one moment
+pat her victim softly on the head, and fondle it with the utmost
+affection, as if it were the most precious treasure she had in the
+world; she will apparently repent of her intention to hold it in
+captivity, and will permit it to escape and run half-way over the floor,
+when, with a sudden spring, she will pounce upon it again and hold it
+fast, regardless of its squeals for mercy. Just so with a pretty woman
+and her lover. Next to a tabby cat, the most remorseless and cruel
+creature in the world is a woman who has a man completely in her power.
+Indeed, there is so great a congeniality of disposition between the
+female sex and the feline species that maidens, when they become elderly
+and are not otherwise occupied, almost invariably take to nursing
+cats,--there being a mysterious affinity which draws them together."
+
+"Do you want me to believe that a woman will not marry a man until she
+has first tortured the soul out of him, and made him utterly miserable?
+Why, they say that marriages are made in heaven."
+
+"In heaven they may be made, Thomas; but, if so, they are caught on the
+horns of the moon as they are coming down; for I tell you that hardly
+any woman ever marries the right man, and hardly any man ever marries
+the right woman. You have only to open your eyes and you will perceive
+this without the aid of an opera-glass."
+
+"My observations have led me to no such conclusions."
+
+"Have you never observed, oh, most sagacious Thomas, that no pretty
+woman ever had an adorer without wishing to torment him with a rival?
+And is it not a singular fact that she usually selects some male animal
+to occupy that position who is in every respect the inferior of the
+worthy man whom she is endeavoring to drive to distraction? Does she not
+take every occasion to inflate the vanity of him whom she cares nothing
+about, and to humiliate the man whom she really loves? Now, there are
+Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood,--they are both pretty women."
+
+"Pretty! They are both surpassingly beautiful, though not at all
+alike!--the former a blonde, with deep blue eyes and golden tresses; the
+latter a brunette, with locks as dark as a feather fallen from the wings
+of night, and black eyes, from which Cupid, who continually lurks under
+the long lashes, borrows the barbs for the arrows with which he mortally
+wounds multitudes of unlucky swains."
+
+"Do not be poetical, Thomas. Pray take your foot from the stirrup and
+dismount before Pegasus carries you to the clouds, and you lose an
+opportunity of listening to plain, sensible prose. Each one of these
+young ladies has a devoted lover."
+
+"You may well say devoted; for if Claribel or Imogen were to wish for an
+icicle from the end of the North Pole with which to cool a lemonade,
+either Harry Vincent or Clarence Hastings would hurry thither and slip
+off into the unfathomable abyss of space in a desperate attempt to
+obtain it."
+
+"Your imagination is both hyperborean and hyperbolical. But let us
+return from the North Pole to the ladies. Claribel loves Clarence, and
+Imogen Harry, and yet neither will marry the man she loves."
+
+"And why not, oh, prophet?"
+
+"Because no pretty woman ever does. Each lady will select some nonentity
+of the masculine gender, and expect her lover to enter into a contest
+of rivalry. Each gentleman will decline the contest."
+
+"Why so?"
+
+"I know them both. Each is a proud man, and has an abundance of
+self-respect. No daughter of Eve can comprehend a proud man, though
+every woman knows how to manage a vain one to perfection. Although
+either Harry or Clarence would, as you say, go to the North Pole in
+obedience to the wishes of the woman he adores, neither of them will
+consent to humiliation for her sake. She will persist in her course, and
+will ultimately find herself abandoned by her lover. Then, after a few
+years----"
+
+"Well, what after a few years?"
+
+"You will behold the once fairy-like Claribel a matron of robust
+proportions, married to a plain man, who made her an offer in a
+business-like manner."
+
+"And Clarence?"
+
+"A bald-headed man, who, having worked like a beaver and made a large
+fortune, is enjoying it with a wife who is as ugly as sin, but is a most
+excellent manager of his domestic affairs."
+
+"Toney, when do you intend to publish your book of prophecies?"
+
+"A prophet has no honor in his own country. But, do you not hear the
+sound of music in the ball-room? Let us go in,--
+
+
+     On with the dance! let joy be unconfined,
+     No sleep till morn when Youth and Pleasure meet
+     To chase the glowing hours with flying feet."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+
+In one of the border States of the South, in the midst of a romantic
+scenery, is situated the village of Bella Vista. Being connected by
+railway with a number of populous towns, it had become a place of resort
+during the season of summer for persons who desired to exchange the
+sultry atmosphere of cities for the cool breezes, shady groves, and pure
+fountains of this delightful retreat.
+
+In the village had been erected a commodious hotel, which, during the
+months of summer, was filled with guests. The proprietor, desirous of
+contributing to the enjoyment of his patrons, had arranged for
+semi-weekly hops, which were attended not only by the inmates of the
+hotel, but by families from the village and from the surrounding
+country.
+
+The two young lawyers, Toney Belton and Tom Seddon, the former a
+resident of the town of Mapleton, in an adjoining county of the State,
+and the latter a citizen of Bella Vista, entered the ball-room soon
+after the musicians had sounded a prelude to the poetry of motion. As
+they moved through the crowd they were met by a handsome young man who
+extended his hand to each.
+
+"Why, Clarence, my dear fellow," said Toney, "I am glad to see you.
+What! are you not dancing? Where is the lovely Miss Carrington? You will
+be accused of----"
+
+The young man turned hastily away before Toney could complete his
+sentence; and the next moment he was seen standing in a corner of the
+room gazing at a beautiful girl with an indescribable look of
+indignation. The young lady was apparently listening to an ill-favored
+man who was talking to her with immense volubility. She smiled very
+pleasantly on her uncomely admirer and never once looked at Clarence
+Hastings.
+
+"Just as I told you," said Toney. "Hostilities have already commenced.
+Look at Clarence Hastings yonder! He has a small thunder-cloud on his
+brow, and is directing the lightning from his eyes in incessant flashes
+at the cruel Claribel."
+
+"I was observing him," said Seddon. "What is the matter with the man? He
+looks as if he were meditating homicide, or suicide, or something of the
+sort. What has Claribel done to him?"
+
+"Declined to dance with him, I suppose. See! she has selected one of the
+most fascinating men in the room to be his rival."
+
+"The man she was just talking to, and with whom she is now dancing? He a
+rival of the handsome Clarence Hastings? Why, he is as ugly as a Hindoo
+idol! Who is he? What is his name?"
+
+"Botts--Ned Botts. He lives in my town, whence he has just arrived in
+company with Sam Perch, William Wiggins, and M. T. Pate, Esq., the
+latter a distinguished lawyer of Mapleton. These four gentlemen are here
+on a lady-killing expedition. General Taylor has recently disposed of a
+multitude of Mexicans at Buena Vista, and my fellow-townsmen expect to
+make great havoc at Bella Vista."
+
+"That ungainly creature a lady-killer? And yet, by Jove! Claribel smiles
+on him as if she really admired him. Who is this man Botts?
+
+"He is the ugly man who once tried to run away from his own shadow. Did
+you never hear the story?"
+
+"No. How was it?"
+
+"Botts had been with a number of boon-companions at a tavern in
+Mapleton, and had put himself in an abnormal condition by the
+consumption of a considerable quantity of fluids. As you see, he is no
+Adonis when sober; but when inebriated, his ugly visage would endanger
+the safety of a mirror at the distance of twelve paces. In the afternoon
+he was standing in the street alone when he happened to see his own
+shadow, and was so startled by its unexampled ugliness that he made a
+tremendous leap to the right. The hideous apparition made a dart after
+him. Botts jumped to the left; but the frightful spectre sprang at him
+again."
+
+"Ha, ha, ha! Toney, you will murder me!"
+
+"Botts had often heard that drunken men would sometimes have _delirium
+tremens_, and see devils. He thought _delirium_ was coming on him, and
+that his ugly shadow was a fiend."
+
+"No wonder! no wonder! What did he do?"
+
+"He uttered a yell that set all the dogs in the town to barking, and
+took to his heels up the street. Each time he looked around he beheld a
+horrible devil following him, and at the sight he would give another
+yell, and redouble his efforts to escape. Soon half the men and boys in
+the town were after him. Away went Botts, and brought up at a doctor's
+shop. He fell on the floor in a fit, and it was a long time before he
+could be restored to consciousness. His ugly shadow had nearly been the
+death of him."
+
+"And you will be the death of me, if you tell any more such stories. But
+who is that large man, with the bald head, who is jumping about among
+the dancers with a bunch of flowers in his hand? He has no partner but
+seems to be exercising his legs in sympathy with those who are really
+dancing. No! I was mistaken,--he has a partner, but the lady's pretty
+figure is so small that I could only see the top of her head, which is
+covered with scarlet verbenas and a profusion of roses; and I was under
+the illusion that the big man was going it alone with a magnificent
+bouquet in his grasp. Toney, do tell me, who is that man? He seems to be
+a great admirer of beauty, and has been flitting about among the ladies
+like a large bumble-bee in search of the sweetest and most delicious
+flowers."
+
+"That is M. T. Pate, a distinguished lawyer, an eloquent orator, an able
+writer, a profound thinker, and the prince of lady-killers. He is
+possessed of a very original genius, and has recently written a
+remarkable pamphlet, in which is demonstrated the possibility as well as
+the immense importance of draining the Atlantic Ocean, and converting
+its rich alluvial bottoms into cultivated corn-fields."
+
+"How does he propose to accomplish this stupendous undertaking?"
+
+"By constructing a number of enormous steam-pumps at the Isthmus of
+Panama, and forcing the water into the Pacific. He says that when this
+great work is once accomplished, the inexhaustible soil now lying
+entirely useless under the water will afford a comfortable support for
+countless millions of men; and that the incalculable amount of gold,
+silver, and precious jewels which have gone down in the vast number of
+vessels that have foundered at sea will more than defray the cost of
+this magnificent enterprise. Pate has sent a copy of his pamphlet to the
+learned professors of one of our universities, who now have it under
+consideration. In the mean while he has abundant leisure to devote
+himself to the ladies, by whom he is much admired. But, Tom, has not
+Wiggins caused you to become acquainted with the green-eyed monster?"
+
+"Who is Wiggins?"
+
+"The man who is dancing with pretty Ida Somers. He has devoted himself
+to her during the entire evening. Beware of jealousy, Tom! Let there not
+be a demand for coffee and pistols in the morning."
+
+"Pshaw! Nonsense, Toney! Ida and I are good friends--nothing more--when
+old Crabstick, her uncle, will allow us to talk to one another--which is
+but seldom. But is Wiggins the individual with the enormous red nose?"
+
+"The same. You have a formidable rival, Tom. In my town he is admired
+for his comeliness, and is known by the name of Rosebud."
+
+"A curious name for one of the masculine gender! How did he acquire it?"
+
+"Why, it seems that on a sultry day in June, this worthy citizen having
+done ample honors to the god of the grape, was reposing under a tree on
+a fragrant bed of clover, when an industrious bee, foraging among the
+flowers, espied his crimson proboscis, and supposing it to be a Bourbon
+rose, alighted upon it, in the vain expectation of extracting honey for
+the hive. While the busy insect was endeavoring to distill sweets from
+this extraordinary nose, the sleeper became conscious of a tickling
+sensation, and shook his head in disapproval of the futile attempt;
+whereat the irritable little creature darted out its sting, and Wiggins
+leaped up with an outcry and vigorously rubbed his nasal protuberance.
+This scene was witnessed by some wags, who were convulsed with laughter.
+The nose soon began to swell, and, becoming more deeply crimson, it
+looked like a rose about to burst into full bloom. Since his nap among
+the clover, Wiggins has been called Rosebud by his boon-companions."
+
+"By Jove! what a magnificent woman!"
+
+This exclamation was uttered in a half whisper by Seddon as a tall,
+dark-eyed woman, with a beauty that baffled description, moved across
+the room, with fifty pair of eyes following her in admiration.
+
+"Imogen Hazlewood?" said Belton.
+
+"Poor Harry!" said Seddon.
+
+"He is deserving of your sympathy," said Toney. "Look! he is now
+approaching her with the awe and timidity of a man about to converse
+with a goddess, such as we used to read of in the classic hexameters of
+Ovid or Virgil. _Oh, dea certa!_ It won't do, Tom! it won't do!"
+
+"What won't do?"
+
+"For a man to let a woman see that he is dead in love with her. 'What
+careth she for hearts when once possessed?' Not a fig, Tom! not a fig.
+Carry your love about you like a concealed weapon. Don't let her know
+anything about it until you pop the question. Pop it at her when she
+don't expect it, and she will fall into your arms as if she had received
+a pistol-shot,--
+
+
+     Do proper homage to thine idol's eyes,
+     But not too humbly, or she will despise
+     Thee and thy suit, though told in moving tropes,
+
+
+and, turning her back on you, as Imogen has done now on Harry Vincent,
+will walk off on the arm of some fellow like Sam Perch."
+
+"Sam Perch? Do you mean the tall youth with a freckled face and a head
+of hair so fiery red that it looks like a small edition of a burning
+bush? What a remarkable head!"
+
+"It is a celebrated head. There was once a lawsuit about that head, and
+I was counsel for the defendant."
+
+"A lawsuit about the young man's head?"
+
+"Yes, a very extraordinary forensic controversy, which attracted much
+attention, and in which I established my professional reputation by
+defeating my distinguished friend M. T. Pate, who appeared as the
+plaintiff's counsel."
+
+"Toney, do you pretend to tell me that anybody ever went to law about
+that fellow's head? How did such a suit originate?"
+
+"Why, you must know, Tom, that there is a curious tale attached to that
+young man's head."
+
+"So there is to the head of a Chinaman."
+
+"No punning on people's cocoanuts, Mr. Seddon! But hear the history of
+this very remarkable lawsuit. On a cold evening in December, Perch was
+in a certain house in Mapleton, making himself agreeable to some young
+ladies, when they commenced tittering to such a degree that he was at
+first highly flattered, supposing that their merriment was produced by
+his numerous attempts at witticisms. At length these demonstrations of
+mirth became uncontrollable, and Perch, glancing at a large mirror
+opposite, was suddenly struck dumb with confusion."
+
+"At the image of his handsome self?"
+
+"A mischief-loving young girl had taken her station behind him and was
+holding her hands over his red head, and rubbing them, as if she were
+enjoying the warmth of a blazing fire."
+
+"It would hardly be necessary to invoke the aid of imagination for that
+purpose. This room begins to feel hotter with that fellow's red head
+carried about in it like a brasier of live coals. But go on."
+
+"Perch was horrified at the revelations of the mirror. He rushed from
+the house in a fit of desperation."
+
+"To put his burning bush under a pump?"
+
+"Thoroughly disgusted with his red hair, he consulted a barber, who
+undertook, for an adequate pecuniary consideration, to impart to it a
+sable hue, by the application of certain dyes. Perch left the shop with
+a fine suit of black hair, as glossy as the plumage on the bosom of a
+raven; but in the afternoon of the following day the color was suddenly
+and mysteriously changed to a pea-green. He was on a promenade at the
+time, and, not being aware of this sudden and remarkable metamorphosis,
+he encountered the same young ladies and escorted them home. But when he
+entered the house and laid aside his hat, his head looked very much like
+an early York cabbage. Self-control was out of the question. The mirth
+of the young maidens was so immoderate that they almost went into
+convulsions, and the graceful and accomplished youth hurried away,
+boiling with indignation. Upon consulting his mirror, he perceived his
+dreadful condition. He passed a sleepless night in intense agony. Next
+day he barricaded his door and was not to be seen. He remained for a
+whole week in solitary confinement, brooding over his misfortune. The
+unhappy youth finally became hypochondriacal, and you know that while in
+this condition the mind is often under the dominion of sad and
+unaccountable illusions."
+
+"I am aware of that. Our housekeeper once imagined she was a teapot, and
+sat for a whole day with one arm akimbo, as the handle, and the other
+projected from her person to represent the spout. She gave a vast deal
+of trouble, and was continually admonishing the servants not to come
+near her lest they might upset her and break her to pieces. And only
+last winter old Crabstick got a strange notion in his head that he was a
+dog. One day, when I called to see Ida, he got down on all fours and
+barked obstreperously, and bit Scipio, his negro man, on the calf of his
+leg. I had to leave the house in a hurry to escape from his canine
+ferocity."
+
+"The illusion of Perch was equally as extraordinary. After brooding over
+his misfortune for a whole week, he imagined he was a donkey."
+
+"Imagined he was a donkey?"
+
+"Yes; a monstrous donkey."
+
+"Was it all imagination, Toney?"
+
+"Be that as it may; I know that he created much annoyance among the
+neighbors; for he commenced braying in a most extraordinary manner. His
+friends gathered around him and endeavored to reason him out of his
+unhappy delusion, but all to no purpose, for he had got the idea in his
+head that he was a prodigious jackass, and the more they talked to him
+the more loudly he would bray. He refused his natural food, and demanded
+to be led to the stable, that he might have a manger, and be fed on
+provender suitable for animals of the asinine species. The doctors had
+much trouble with him, and tried various remedies without any apparent
+good result. They finally determined to drench him with strong brandy,
+and the potency of this fluid soon restored him to a more happy
+condition of body and mind. He recovered, and sent for the distinguished
+lawyer, M. T. Pate, and by his advice brought suit against the barber,
+laying the damages at one thousand dollars."
+
+"For what?"
+
+"For injury done to the young man's head. The barber was dreadfully
+frightened at the prospect of a ruinous litigation, and solicited my
+professional services. M. T. Pate exerted himself to the utmost, and, in
+a carefully prepared and eloquent speech, endeavored to demonstrate to
+the jury how great an injury had been done to his client's head; at the
+same time denouncing the author of the outrage in terms of unmeasured
+vituperation. But his efforts were of no avail, for I was prepared with
+the proof, and had put more than a dozen witnesses on the stand, all of
+whom swore that the young man looked much better with his head of a
+pea-green color than he did when it was of a fiery red. In consequence
+of this testimony the jury came to the conclusion that the plaintiff had
+sustained no injury and was entitled to no damages. They rendered a
+verdict in favor of the defendant, and M. T. Pate's client not only had
+to pay the costs of the suit, but went by the name of the 'LONG GREEN
+BOY' ever afterwards."
+
+"Mr. Belton, I am exceedingly glad to see you," said a tall, raw-boned
+man, with a keen, dark eye, a Roman nose, and a swarthy visage.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said Toney, "let me introduce you to Captain Bragg, a
+famous traveler, who has seen more of this terrestrial globe than we
+have ever read of."
+
+Seddon shook hands with the distinguished cosmopolite, and remarked that
+the weather was extremely hot.
+
+"Hot!" said Bragg. "My dear sir, do you call it hot? You should have
+been with me when I was once invited by her Majesty the Queen of
+Madagascar to a royal feast. As we sat at table under an awning, huge
+pieces of the most delicious beef were served up, which had been roasted
+by being exposed to the vertical rays of a tropical sun. That was what I
+would call hot weather, Mr. Seddon. But, by the powers of mud! what is
+that?"
+
+A loud noise and trampling of feet were heard in the hall. The door flew
+open, and women shrieked and men stood aghast, as a horrible apparition
+entered the ball-room. It seemed like an ugly demon with two heads. The
+monster rushed among the dancers, howling and screeching, and creating
+the most extraordinary confusion. Ladies, with loud cries, clung to
+their partners for protection, as with unearthly yells the two-headed
+monster rushed around. All seemed to lose presence of mind except Toney
+Belton, who tripped up the heels of the hideous intruder, and it fell on
+the floor. Then was witnessed a fearful conflict. While the women
+scampered away, and ran screaming through the hall, the men gathered
+around, and soon recognized the belligerents. It was Ned Botts, engaged
+in a hand-to-hand encounter with a gigantic and ferocious monkey
+belonging to Captain Bragg. The creature had escaped from confinement
+and had perched itself on the stairway in the hall. As Botts, after
+having enjoyed a mint-julep, was returning from the refreshment-room, it
+sprang upon his shoulders and seized him by the hair. Terrible was the
+combat between Botts and the monkey. Each made the most ugly grimaces
+and exhibited the most deadly ferocity. Botts grappled his antagonist by
+the throat, and the fight would have ended in a tragedy had not Bragg
+interfered.
+
+Maddened with passion, Botts sprang to his feet and put himself in a
+boxing attitude, whereupon Bragg knocked him down. The gentlemen present
+now interposed, and Botts was carried off, loudly vociferating, and
+swearing vengeance against Bragg and his monkey.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+
+The excitement occasioned by the terrific combat in the ball-room was
+intense. On the following morning groups of anxious persons were
+discussing the probability of a duel between Bragg and Botts. There had
+been an interchange not only of harsh language but of blows between
+these gentlemen, and it was the general opinion that a hostile meeting
+was inevitable. Toney and Tom were sitting in the room of the former,
+puffing their cigars, and conversing about the events of the preceding
+evening, when there was a knock at the door, followed by the entry of a
+gentleman whose countenance indicated that he was troubled by very great
+mental anxiety.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate. Let me introduce you to my friend Mr. Seddon."
+
+The two gentlemen shook hands, and Seddon made some meteorological
+observation, which was unheeded by Pate, who nervously turned to Toney,
+and said,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, I have called to see you about a matter of great
+importance,--I might say an affair of life or death."
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Pate! To what have you reference?"
+
+"I refer, sir, to the unfortunate affair between our friend Mr. Botts
+and--and----"
+
+"The monkey?"
+
+"Just so, sir. I am afraid that the--the--the difficulty will end in--in
+bloodshed, sir. I apprehend that Mr. Botts is about to send a challenge
+to--to--to----"
+
+"The monkey? Why, Mr. Pate, the animal will not accept it if he does."
+
+"I don't mean to the monkey, sir; I mean to Captain Bragg."
+
+"Oh, that alters the case. The captain is a fighting man."
+
+"Yes, sir; and Mr. Botts is determined on a bloody issue. He has been
+with Wiggins the whole morning, and I know that he has penned a
+challenge."
+
+"Well, my dear sir, what can I do to prevent the issue which you
+apprehend?"
+
+"Bragg will apply to you to act as his second. Could you not persuade
+him to apologize?"
+
+"Apologize! Apologize for knocking Botts down? Impossible, sir!"
+
+"How impossible? Cannot a man apologize for what he has done?"
+
+"Mr. Pate, you are well versed in legal lore, but you seem to be
+profoundly ignorant of a very stringent article in the code of honor."
+
+"And what is that, sir?"
+
+"One of the thirty-nine articles of the code of dueling, compiled by 'A
+Southron,' prohibits a gentleman, who has received a blow, from
+accepting an apology until the party who has dealt the blow first allows
+himself to be slapped on the face in the most public place in the town.
+Now, do you suppose that Captain Bragg will consent to stand in the
+street, in front of the hotel, before a crowd of spectators, male and
+female, and allow Botts to knock him down, and then get up and apologize
+for having knocked Botts down? Impossible, sir! impossible! There can be
+no apology."
+
+"No apology? If a man is sorry for what he has done, is he prohibited
+from saying so? Monstrous, sir! monstrous! Is this a Christian country?"
+
+"I believe it is; and dueling is a Christian practice."
+
+"I deny it most emphatically, sir. It is a barbarous, a heathenish
+practice!"
+
+"Why, Mr. Pate, who ever heard of the code of honor among the heathen
+Greeks or Romans, or among any other heathens, ancient or modern?
+Christians are the only duelists. The custom originated with the knights
+who fought for the Cross and against the Crescent. It has been the
+favorite mode of settling difficulties, among gentlemen in Christian
+countries, ever since. Yes, sir; and even churchmen have fought duels. A
+parson, in one of our Southern States, once challenged a layman, and
+shot him through the heart in accordance with the code of honor."[1]
+
+"Horrible! Mr. Belton, what--what is to be done?"
+
+"Why, I suppose, we must let the men fight, if they are determined to do
+so."
+
+"Can we not apply to a justice of the peace? Can we not have them
+arrested?"
+
+"Mr. Pate, if you were to do so, public opinion is such that you would
+be mobbed, ridden on a rail, pelted with rotten eggs, and your life
+might be in danger."
+
+"My dear, dear sir, what--what is to be done? I cannot see poor Botts
+shot down,--cut off in the flower of his days!"
+
+Here Mr. Pate was so overcome by his feelings that the big tears began
+to roll down his cheeks, and Tom Seddon's heart was softened.
+
+"Why, Mr. Pate," said he, "there will be no duel if Botts does not send
+the challenge. Could you not use your influence with him, and induce him
+to heap coals of fire on Bragg's head by forgiving the injury?"
+
+"And I promise you," said Belton, "that if the duel does come off, it
+shall not have a tragical termination. I will not advise Bragg to fire
+in the air; for a friend of mine once did so and shot a boy, who was
+perched among the boughs of a cherry-tree, through the calf of the leg.
+Since then I have always been opposed to the absurd and dangerous
+practice of firing in the air. Seconds, however, can usually prevent
+bloodshed, unless their principals are exceedingly savage and
+sanguinary. But I think that the suggestion of my friend Seddon is a
+good one. You should hurry back, and endeavor to prevent Botts from
+sending the challenge."
+
+"I will do so! I will do so! God bless you both!" And with this
+benediction Pate hurried away in extreme agitation.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[1] This happened in Maryland many years ago.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+
+"Your friend Mr. Pate seems to be a very humane and benevolent man,"
+said Seddon, when the peacemaker had taken his departure.
+
+"None more so," said Belton. "Pate is not more remarkable for his
+extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human
+kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and
+originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his
+disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order,
+which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the
+benefactors of the human race."
+
+"To what order do you allude?"
+
+"To the M. O. O. S. S."
+
+"What do those letters signify?"
+
+"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts."
+
+"The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts! Why, Toney, you are joking! Who
+ever heard of such an organization?"
+
+"No joke at all. You have heard of the Order of Seven Wise Men, have you
+not?"
+
+"Why, yes; but that is an organization founded on principles of
+benevolence,--somewhat like the Masons, or Odd-Fellows, I suppose."
+
+"And so is the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. It is founded on
+principles of benevolence. Its object is the welfare of woman."
+
+"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"
+
+"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after
+much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much
+happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of
+young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the
+majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state
+of single blessedness is preferable, all would be well; but the giddy
+things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager
+to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries,
+this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim
+Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a
+horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has
+the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before
+she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no
+marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is
+given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the
+silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows
+herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From
+extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all
+over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar
+maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived
+that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so
+doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when
+thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens
+to get married."
+
+"How is that to be accomplished?"
+
+"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry.
+They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres
+Ignorantiae, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties
+are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all
+young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially
+instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently
+premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate
+attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they
+may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young
+ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until
+every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that
+Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."
+
+"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"
+
+"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a
+sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and
+couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to
+take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting
+alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious
+reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully
+apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his
+domestic affairs he would have--here Dobbs began to count on his
+fingers--one--two--three--four--five--six--yes, seven sweet little
+cherubs fluttering around him,--three girls and four boys,--two of them
+twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs
+snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a
+matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he
+found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited
+until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity
+of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his
+thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs
+every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one
+of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a
+simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence
+of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope
+that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock
+struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs
+began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose
+and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his
+house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet
+little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was
+a ghost."
+
+"A what?"
+
+"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such
+a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate
+the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle
+about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred and fifty or two
+hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience
+to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He
+can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor
+will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every
+Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will
+ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all
+places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or
+his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the
+dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a
+stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any
+distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be
+instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the
+tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and
+he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the
+tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the
+cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place
+the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down
+his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to
+have for his dinner."
+
+"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of
+those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's
+business instead of attending to their own."
+
+"Very true. But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of
+ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which
+above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see
+a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great
+pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon
+their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who
+is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet
+as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of
+fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. And if any poor fellow has
+a sweetheart, and is not certain whether she cares a fig for him or
+not, he should not be sitting all day in the dumps and looking as sulky
+as a bear with a sore head. Just let him make a ghost of himself, and he
+will be able to see down to the very bottom of her gizzard; and if she
+cares anything about him, her thoughts will look like lumps of
+candy-kisses, labeled with poetry and wrapped up in blue paper."
+
+"I wouldn't mind being a ghost myself," said Seddon.
+
+"In order that you might have a peep at the musings and meditations of
+pretty Ida? But you blush, Tom."
+
+"Nonsense, Toney. Go on with your story about Dobbs. I am much
+interested in the poor fellow's fate."
+
+"Well, Dobbs had an intuitive perception of the advantages which I have
+mentioned; and so he ardently desired to be a ghost. But seeing no
+chance of soon being promoted to a ghostship, and not being able to
+ascertain the sentiments of Susan while he remained in the flesh, he was
+finally compelled to leave her in the hands of the mystic brotherhood.
+In his solitary home be now began to brood over his misfortune. He came
+to the conclusion that a bachelor is much in the condition of an
+ownerless dog,--nobody caring whether he is brought home dead or alive;
+while if a Benedict even barks his shins, he has some one to sympathize
+with him and soothe him with caresses, which check his inclination to
+utter profane exclamations and enable him to endure the severe trial
+with manly fortitude. So, after much meditation, Dobbs determined that
+as he was not permitted to obtain an angel for love, he would see if he
+could not get a woman for money. Immediately subsequent to the adoption
+of this wise resolution he was on a visit to one of our metropolitan
+towns, and while walking the street observed in large letters over a
+door the words FAMILIES SUPPLIED HERE. Dobbs came to the conclusion that
+it was the very place he was looking for. So he walked in and asked a
+surly giant who seemed to have charge of the establishment, if he could
+furnish him with----"
+
+"An angel and seven sweet little cherubs?"
+
+"Not so. Perhaps the state of his finances did not admit of so
+extravagant a purchase. He simply asked if he could furnish him with a
+wife and a couple of children, either girls or boys,--he was not
+particular which they were."
+
+"I suppose that his moderate demand was complied with?"
+
+"I am sorry to say that it was not. Persons are liable to be
+misunderstood. The big fellow was in an ill humor, and supposed that
+Dobbs wanted to make game of him. He replied in rude and insulting
+language, and aimed several imprecations at his customer's organs of
+vision. Dobbs's blood began to boil, and he reciprocated the
+shopkeeper's compliments in synonymous terms. Then he suddenly saw a
+multitude of stars before his eyes and found himself in a recumbent
+position on the floor. Dobbs went home looking very much like a man who
+had inadvertently overturned a bee-hive and seriously irritated its
+inhabitants. His sad experience caused him to abandon all hope of
+obtaining a wife either for love or for money."
+
+"And so the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts baffled poor Dobbs in his
+efforts to adorn his domicile with an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs! But what became of Susan?"
+
+"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one
+of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They
+ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never
+propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do
+that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his
+vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely
+punished for his want of fidelity."
+
+"In what way?"
+
+"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with
+the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.
+Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which
+drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."
+
+"What did Wiggins do?"
+
+"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege to the widow
+with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."
+
+"And I suppose that they were married and----"
+
+"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road
+to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins
+had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the
+church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition
+approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he
+should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the
+nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the
+sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed
+to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should
+be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be
+married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.
+In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a
+book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in
+committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in
+each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that
+his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be
+acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the
+blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt
+thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of
+the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them
+all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow
+screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was
+carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when
+she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently
+denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false
+pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in
+the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have
+nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of
+ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate. The reply
+which Wiggins made to the minister who wanted to marry him to the widow
+having been reported to M. T. Pate, he immediately expressed an opinion
+that it afforded satisfactory proof of the sincere repentance of their
+unfortunate and erring brother. By Pate's advice, Wiggins was again
+received into the order, and is now here in Bella Vista for the purpose
+of performing his duty as a faithful and efficient member of the mystic
+brotherhood."
+
+"I would really like to hear more of this man M. T. Pate," said Seddon.
+"My curiosity has been aroused, and I desire to know something of his
+previous history."
+
+"Your desire can be easily gratified. I have already commenced writing
+his biography."
+
+"Writing his biography?"
+
+"Yes. It is perfectly apparent to me that M. T. Pate is destined to
+become a very distinguished personage. Somebody will write his
+biography, and why not I? One chapter has been completed, which, with
+your permission, I will read."
+
+At that moment there was a knock at the door, and Captain Bragg entered
+the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+
+"It has been said that the worst use you can make of a man is to hang
+him. I think, Captain Bragg, that the next worst is to shoot him."
+
+This remark was made by Toney after Bragg, having first shown him the
+challenge which he had received from Botts and requested him to act as
+his second, had emphatically expressed a truculent determination to put
+the challenger to death with powder and ball.
+
+"And," said Seddon, "some men are not worth the ammunition expended on
+them."
+
+"By the powers of mud! what do you mean, Mr. Seddon?" exclaimed Bragg.
+"Is not Mr. Botts a gentleman? Do I not find him in the very best
+society?"
+
+"Not certainly in the very best society when he is found quarreling
+with a monkey," said Seddon.
+
+"With a monkey! Mr. Seddon? Gentlemen, I would have you know that it was
+no ordinary monkey that Botts so brutally assaulted in the ball-room. He
+was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar. I would
+defend that monkey with my blood; and had not Botts challenged me, I
+would have challenged him for the insult offered to my monkey. Monkeys
+have emotions and sensibilities in their bosoms as well as we have, Mr.
+Seddon."
+
+"Then, they have souls as well as tails?" said Seddon.
+
+"I have no doubt," said Bragg, "that a high-bred monkey, like mine,
+brought up in a royal palace and tenderly cared for, can feel an insult
+as keenly as a man."
+
+"Then, Captain Bragg," said Seddon, "why not refer Botts for
+satisfaction to the monkey?"
+
+"Because, sir, monkeys are not yet sufficiently advanced in civilization
+to understand the code of honor. But the time may come when they will."
+
+"What!" exclaimed Seddon, "do you mean to say that the time may come
+when monkeys will challenge one another to single combat, and fight with
+hair-trigger pistols like civilized men?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said Bragg.
+
+"I suppose that will be after they have dropped their tails," said
+Seddon.
+
+"Of course," said Bragg. "Man is but an improved species of monkey. Our
+ancestors were once monkeys, and carried long tails behind them."[2]
+
+Here Tom Seddon fell back on a sofa and roared with laughter. Toney
+Belton reproved his friend for this unbecoming levity, and gravely
+remarked that learned men coincided with Captain Bragg in opinion, and
+that Lord Monboddo confidently asserted there was a race of men in
+Africa who still had tails.
+
+"That is true, sir," said Bragg. "I have seen them myself;--have eaten
+and drank with them, and----" Here Tom Seddon exploded with laughter;
+while Toney remarked that Monboddo said that these long-tailed
+individuals were horrible cannibals, and were particularly fond of
+Dutchmen.
+
+"I don't know about their fondness for Dutchmen," said Bragg. "I am an
+Anglo-Saxon, and I know that they treated me with great kindness; I
+remained with them for months; and many of them shed tears when I took
+my departure."
+
+"Your discovery of this race of men in Africa seems to confirm the
+rabbinical theory," said Toney.
+
+"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"The learned rabbinical doctors, in whose wisdom we should have great
+confidence, assert that man was originally created with a long tail."
+
+"Just as I said!" exclaimed Bragg. "Did I not tell you so?"
+
+"If such was his original conformation," said Toney, "we must suppose
+that it was afterwards observed that this appendage was of no use to him
+at all, and, indeed, would often be a serious incumbrance; for when in
+battle a hero was hard pressed and compelled to retreat, his enemy might
+seize him by the tail, and hold him fast until he had cut off his head."
+
+"That is a fact," said Bragg. "So he might."
+
+"And when in the progress of civilization the toilet became of
+importance in the estimation of mankind, the decoration of the tail
+would be exceedingly troublesome and expensive."
+
+"I should think so," said Seddon. "I should think that it could hardly
+be managed even by the most experienced and scientific _tailors_."
+
+"Tom Seddon," said Toney, "Dr. Johnson was of opinion that when a man
+attempted a pun in company he ought to be knocked down. But let me
+proceed in pointing out the obvious disadvantages of wearing tails. For
+instance, fashionable gentlemen, after having spent large sums of money
+in the elaborate adornment of their tails, might have them trodden upon
+as they walked the streets, and numerous assaults and batteries might
+thus be occasioned."
+
+"No doubt of it! no doubt of it!" said Bragg. "I witnessed many fierce
+encounters among my friends in Africa, caused by men inadvertently
+treading on their neighbors' tails."
+
+"Yes," said Toney, "some irascible editor or orator might have his tail
+crushed by the foot of his adversary on the hard pavement, and a mortal
+combat would be the lamentable consequence. Indeed, I would not answer
+for the patience and fortitude of a pious parson if, as he walked along
+the aisle of his church, one of the congregation should carelessly tread
+on his caudal extremity. I seriously apprehend that the reverend man
+would exhibit the irritability of a ferocious animal of the feline
+species under similar circumstances. Therefore, such being the great and
+manifest disadvantages of wearing tails, we must suppose that this
+useless appendage was severed from the body of the man."
+
+"What was done with it?" inquired Seddon.
+
+"It was fashioned into a woman," said Bragg.
+
+"A what?" exclaimed Seddon, too astounded to laugh.
+
+"Into a woman," reiterated Bragg.
+
+"Why, I thought that woman was formed from a rib."
+
+"That is an error of the translators," said Bragg. "I was so informed by
+a learned Hebrew whom I found living on the top of Mount Ararat, in a
+comfortable house constructed from the imperishable materials of Noah's
+Ark. He told me that the word should have been translated tail instead
+of rib."
+
+"This important fact in anthropology," said Toney, "would seem to
+militate against the claims of those learned, eloquent, and
+distinguished ladies who are the leaders of the movement for women's
+rights."
+
+"Do you mean," said Bragg, "those babbling females who leave their
+hen-pecked husbands at home to nurse their unclean babies, and go
+gadding about holding their conventions? Well, sir, give them every
+right which they claim. Give them every right which we have----"
+
+"Except," said Seddon, "the privilege of shaving their chins. I hardly
+suppose that they will ever get that."
+
+"No," exclaimed Bragg, "that inestimable privilege they never can
+obtain, let them clamor for it as much as they please! I reiterate, give
+them all they demand, let them vote, elect them to office, put a bale of
+dry-goods and crinoline in the Presidential chair, and what would be the
+result? Would the head govern?"
+
+"I should think not," said Seddon, "If there is such an error in the
+translation as you have pointed out. Captain Bragg, I am afraid that you
+are a misogynist. But what becomes of your royal friend the Queen of
+Madagascar? She is a woman, and she governs a great nation."
+
+"Mr. Seddon, the Queen of Madagascar is no ordinary woman. The poets of
+that great country say that the royal line is descended from their
+gods."
+
+"That opinion may be orthodox in the island of Madagascar," said Seddon.
+"In the United States of America her Majesty's poets-laureate would find
+a multitude of skeptics. But were those long-tailed African gentlemen,
+with whom you once resided, a race of negroes?"
+
+"Their faces were black but comely," said Bragg.
+
+"Then," said Seddon, "It is easy to foresee what will be the ultimate
+consequences of emancipation in this country."
+
+"In what respect?" asked Bragg.
+
+"Why, it is well known that the negro race, when emancipated, goes back,
+by degrees, to its original barbarism. Emancipate the negroes, and, at
+same future day, we will have a horrible race of savages and cannibals
+among us. They will run wild in our forests, and, after a time, tails
+will grow out from their persons. They will jump into our windows at
+night and carry off our babies and devour them; and no Dutchman will be
+safe from their cannibal ferocity. People will have to hunt them with
+dogs, and catch them, and cut off their tails, and civilize them again."
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Bragg, "never! Man once civilized never goes back to
+his original condition. Emancipate the negroes and you need not
+apprehend that they will return to their tails."
+
+"Are you in favor of emancipation, Captain Bragg?" inquired Seddon.
+
+"My dear sir, we will not discuss that question at present. By the
+powers of mud! Mr. Belton," exclaimed Bragg, looking at his watch, "we
+have forgotten all about Botts and the challenge."
+
+"I was about to remind you, captain," said Toney, "that as you have the
+choice of weapons, as well as of time and place, it is necessary that I
+should receive your instructions in relation to these preliminary
+arrangements."
+
+"I leave time and place to you, Mr. Belton; and as to weapons, I am
+equally familiar with all the weapons employed in private or public
+warfare. I once fought a native of New Zealand with a boomerang, Mr.
+Seddon."
+
+"What sort of a weapon is that, Captain Bragg?"
+
+"It is a missile which if it fails to hit the object at which it is
+aimed comes bounding back to the hand that hurls it. But, by the powers
+of mud! at the first throw my boomerang came bounding back with the New
+Zealander impaled on its point and howling for mercy."
+
+"Then," said Toney, "I am to understand that you leave the selection to
+me, and will not refuse to fight with any weapon I may designate?"
+
+"Refuse! certainly not. I will fight with a harpoon if you so choose, or
+a gun loaded with Greek fire."
+
+"Or hot water," suggested Seddon.
+
+"To be sure," said Bragg.
+
+"Captain Bragg, would you really fight with a gun loaded with hot
+water?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "he is a poor workman who finds fault with his
+tools. I will face my antagonist with any weapon which he is not afraid
+to hold in his own hand."
+
+"Very good," said Belton. "And now I must leave you with Mr. Seddon,
+while I have an interview with Wiggins, who, it seems, is Botts's
+second."
+
+Toney took up his hat and left the room, as Bragg was in the act of
+poising a cane for the purpose of showing Seddon how to hurl a
+boomerang.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[2] The theory of an eloquent lecturer in a discourse recently delivered
+in Boston.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+
+Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received
+the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting
+the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which
+had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,--
+
+"Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the selection of time and
+place, as well as of weapons."
+
+"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."
+
+"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.
+
+"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"
+
+"The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of the town."
+
+"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.
+
+"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"
+
+"Broad-axes," said Toney.
+
+"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.
+
+"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.
+
+"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.
+
+"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do
+not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a
+broad-axe!"
+
+"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to
+kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon
+for the purpose?"
+
+"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon."
+
+"Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. It is a military
+weapon. Examine Webster's Dictionary and you will find that such is the
+definition of broad-axe. It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs
+of honor."
+
+"I never heard of its use among men of honor," said Wiggins.
+
+"Why, Sir, who originated the practice of dueling? Were not the
+chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the first to adopt this mode of
+settling disputes?"
+
+"Certainly," said the representative of Botts.
+
+"And were not those knights gentlemen and men of honor?"
+
+"Of course they were," said Wiggins. "Who can doubt that?"
+
+"And did they not fight with battle-axes?"
+
+"Oh, certainly," said Wiggins. "We read of that in Froissart and the
+other chroniclers of those days."
+
+"Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the difference between a
+battle-axe and a broad-axe? Can you point it out?"
+
+"I confess that I cannot," said Wiggins.
+
+"There is no difference; except that our carpenters, in the peaceful
+occupation of hewing timber, have found a short handle more convenient
+than the long ones used in the days of chivalry by honorable knights and
+gentlemen. I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight like
+gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the duello."
+
+"Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall fight with such a
+weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed to the use of a broad-axe."
+
+"Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will have an advantage from
+skill or practice."
+
+"Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?"
+
+"The captain has expressed no preference; he has left the choice of
+weapons to his second."
+
+"Then, Mr. Belton, can we not, as the friends of the parties, make
+arrangements for a meeting in which each gentleman may vindicate his
+honor without the tragical results which must ensue from the use of such
+barbarous weapons as broad-axes?"
+
+"As I have said, and now repeat, a broad-axe is not a barbarous weapon.
+Its use is legitimate in the duello. Unless you agree to the terms which
+I am now about to propose, I shall adhere to my original selection."
+
+"What are your terms, Mr. Belton?" eagerly inquired Wiggins.
+
+"That I select the weapons, and that neither yourself nor our principals
+shall know what they are until I produce them on the field."
+
+"I agree to your terms, Mr. Belton; anything but broad-axes."
+
+"The weapons which I shall select will test the coolness and courage of
+both gentlemen. They will not be broad-axes. Are you satisfied?"
+
+"Perfectly."
+
+"Then, sir, as we have agreed upon the preliminary arrangement, I must
+bid you good-morning."
+
+In the corridor of the hotel Toney encountered M. T. Pate.
+
+"Mr. Belton--Mr. Belton," said Pate, "I--I could not prevail on Mr.
+Botts. He has sent a--a--a challenge, and there will be bloodshed, sir,
+and--and all about a--a--a monkey, sir."
+
+"Mr. Pate, I have the matter in hand, and I assure you, on the honor of
+a gentleman, that not a drop of blood will be spilt."
+
+"God bless you, Mr. Belton!"
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Toney hurried away, leaving Pate repeating
+his benediction with great fervor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+
+Hardly had Toney Belton's footsteps ceased to sound in the corridor
+before Wiggins snatched up his hat and hurried into the presence of his
+principal in extreme agitation.
+
+"Mr. Botts," he exclaimed, "I have just had an interview with Mr.
+Belton, the friend of Captain Bragg."
+
+"Captain Bragg then accepts the challenge?" said Botts.
+
+"Of course he does," said Wiggins, "and we have agreed upon the terms."
+
+"What time does Bragg propose for the meeting?"
+
+"Between daybreak and sunrise to-morrow."
+
+"A very excellent arrangement," said Botts. "The early hour will insure
+us against the chance of interruption. And the place?"
+
+Wiggins named the place designated by Belton, and the selection met with
+the approval of his principal, who inquired,--
+
+"Did the captain choose fire-arms, or small swords? I am equally expert
+in the use of either."
+
+"Fire-arms or small swords!" exclaimed Wiggins,--"no, sir, he did not."
+
+"What weapon did he then select? I am at a loss to imagine."
+
+Wiggins hesitated and was silent. His features became strangely and
+alarmingly distorted.
+
+"Did you not agree upon the weapons? What did Mr. Belton propose?"
+
+"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins.
+
+"What did you say, Mr. Wiggins? I did not distinctly hear you."
+
+"Broad-axes! Mr. Botts, I say broad-axes!"
+
+"What?" exclaimed Mr. Botts, rising from his seat.
+
+"Broad-axes!" said Wiggins, also rising and moving nearer to Botts.
+"Broad-axes, I say broad-axes!"
+
+Botts's ugly countenance now assumed a very peculiar expression. One of
+those ideas which suddenly rush into a man's mind and master it in a
+moment presented itself, and immediately became dominant. He supposed
+that Wiggins had become demented, and that he was in the presence of a
+maniac. Botts had as much of the common quality of physical courage as
+most of the male gender, but, like many a brave man, he had an intense
+horror of crazy people. He retreated. Wiggins advanced towards him,
+anxious to explain, and lifting his hand in the act of gesticulation.
+
+"Stand back!" shouted Botts, grasping a chair, and elevating it over his
+head,--"stand back, or I will knock you down!"
+
+"Botts! Botts!" exclaimed Wiggins, lifting up both hands in violent
+agitation, being utterly astounded at this hostile demonstration on the
+part of his principal,--"Botts! Botts! I--I--said--broad-axes!"
+
+"Help! help! murder! murder!" shouted Botts; and he aimed a blow at
+Wiggins, who dodged it, and, tumbling over a table, fell sprawling on
+the carpet, while the chair flew from Botts's hands and went with a
+crash against the door. In an instant there was a rush of people from
+the adjoining apartments and the room was filled with spectators.
+
+"Good heavens!" exclaimed M. T. Pate, addressing himself to Botts, who
+had armed himself with another chair, and stood brandishing it in a
+corner of the room with an air of desperate determination,--"good
+heavens! Mr. Botts, what does this mean?"
+
+"Gentlemen, such scenes cannot be allowed in my house," said the
+landlord. "Mr. Botts, this is the second time you have raised an uproar
+in this establishment."
+
+"Botts, you shall answer for this outrage!" exclaimed Wiggins, rising on
+his feet and looking Botts in the face with a most truculent aspect.
+
+"Are you not crazy?" said Botts.
+
+"Crazy!" vociferated Wiggins, advancing towards Botts, who dodged behind
+Pate. "_You_ are crazy, sir! You are as mad as a March hare, sir! You
+are a dangerous man! I will have you in a lunatic asylum before you are
+a day older, sir! Gentlemen, I call upon you to assist me in securing
+this madman."
+
+"By Jupiter! I think you are both lunatics," said the landlord.
+
+"Mr. Wiggins, there most he some mistake," said Pate. "Botts is not
+crazy."
+
+"No madder man ever broke out of bedlam!" said Wiggins. "He will kill
+somebody if he is not put in a strait-jacket."
+
+"What was all this about?" asked Pate.
+
+"About?" said Wiggins. "Why, sir, I was merely repeating something which
+Mr. Belton had said to me, when up jumped Botts and aimed a blow at my
+head with chair; and had I out dodged as quickly as I did, he would
+have knocked my brains out. Is such a man fit to run at large through
+this house? Do you call him sane, Mr. Pate? Sane!--if he's sane, you
+might as well pull down all the lunatic asylums in the land and let
+their inmates out to----"
+
+"Stop! Wiggins, stop! I begin to see," said Botts. "You are not crazy,
+after all! Did you say you were merely repeating what Belton had said to
+you?"
+
+"Nothing more," said Wiggins. "And was that any reason why I should
+be----"
+
+"My dear, dear fellow!" said Botts. "It was a mistake! I see! Give me
+your hand. I ask ten thousand pardons!"
+
+Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his
+ground and took the proffered hand.
+
+"Thank God," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"
+
+"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.
+
+"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my
+fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."
+
+"It is granted," said Wiggins.
+
+"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to
+ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the
+world."
+
+At this request all left the room. M. T. Pate, however, lingered at the
+door for a moment, and said, in an admonitory tone,--
+
+"For Heaven's sake, Botts, do not quarrel with Wiggins again!"
+
+"No fear of that, Mr. Pate." And with this assurance Pate closed the
+door.
+
+Botts being alone with his second, there was a repetition of apologies
+and mutual explanations; after which each became assured of the sanity
+of the other, and was more at his ease.
+
+"But," asked Botts, "did Belton really say anything about broad-axes?"
+
+Wiggins hesitated. He seemed to be afraid to again give utterance to a
+word which had just put him in such imminent peril. At length he said,
+in a low tone,--
+
+"He did, indeed."
+
+"What connection had this with the duel?"
+
+"As the representative of Captain Bragg, he proposed that you should
+fight with broad-axes."
+
+Botts sprang from the chair and overturned the table; and Wiggins,
+apprehensive of another assault, jumped up and put himself in an
+attitude of defense.
+
+M. T. Pate, who was lingering in the corridor in trembling expectation
+of another quarrel, rushed to the door, but it was bolted.
+
+"Mr. Botts! Mr. Botts!" cried Pate.
+
+"Go to the devil!" shouted Botts.
+
+"Good heavens! what is to be done?" said Pate. "He has Wiggins locked in
+the room, and will beat out his brains with a chair!"
+
+"I'll break down the door and put strait-jackets on both of them!" said
+the landlord, who had hurried back at the alarm given by Pate.
+
+Botts now opened the door and assured the people in the corridor that
+they were not fighting, but were as amicable as men could be. Having
+received a similar assurance from Wiggins, Pate and the landlord had no
+excuse for further interruption, and reluctantly retired; the landlord
+shaking his head rather dubiously as he did so, and muttering something
+about strait-jackets and lunatic asylums.
+
+Botts closed and bolted the door, and then earnestly asked,--
+
+"You certainly did not agree that I should fight Captain Bragg with a
+broad-axe?"
+
+"No, indeed!" said Wiggins. "With much difficulty I obtained from Mr.
+Belton a compromise."
+
+"What sort of a compromise?" asked Botts.
+
+"You are to fight with just such weapons as Belton produces on the
+ground."
+
+"And not to know what they are to be until I get on the field?"
+
+"Such is the agreement," said the second.
+
+"Wiggins, what sort of terms are these?" exclaimed Botts.
+
+"They were the best I could obtain. My opinion is, that this Captain
+Bragg, although he associates with gentlemen, is little better than a
+desperado. He has lived among savages the greater part of his life, and,
+as I am told, has been boasting of having fought a duel with a
+boomerang, or a harpoon, or something of the sort. He is a reckless and
+desperate man, and cares not for consequences. Had I not agreed to the
+compromise proposed by his second, I am confident that he would have
+posted you as a coward."
+
+"These are hard terms," said Botts; "but I suppose they must be
+accepted."
+
+"They have been accepted," said Wiggins. "And now I must leave you, Mr.
+Botts, for I have an engagement with a fair lady. At an hour before
+daybreak I will be at your room; and we will, of course, proceed in
+company to the ground."
+
+In the solitude of his chamber, Botts began to give way to gloomy
+reflections. It was evident that his antagonist was a most desperate and
+determined man. He had lived among savages and cannibals, and the
+proposal to fight with broad-axes was ample proof of the barbarity of
+his disposition. And Wiggins had consented that Botts should come on the
+ground in entire ignorance of the weapons to be used. Could it be
+doubted that his adversary would select some barbarous implement of
+butchery, familiar to himself but unknown to civilized duelists? When
+the challenger took his position, a harpoon or a boomerang might be
+thrust into his hand; or Bragg might enter the field armed with a
+tomahawk and scalping-knife, and raising the war-whoop. Botts was a
+brave man, but he shuddered and shivered as if an icicle had been thrust
+down his back. He saw that death was inevitable, and he resolved to die
+with decency. Having procured writing materials, he carefully prepared
+his last will and testament, and proceeded to execute it with the proper
+formalities. He then wrote a number of letters to absent friends,
+bidding them a final and affectionate farewell. Those documents he
+carefully sealed with black wax, and left lying on his table.
+
+Much time was consumed in these preparations, and before the business
+was concluded the sun had sunk behind the horizon and the stars had
+appeared in the heavens. Botts took his seat at a window; but he could
+not remain quiescent. The agitation of his mind impelled him to physical
+locomotion. He seized his hat and rushed into the street. He hurried
+along until he had reached the outskirts of the town, where he would not
+be molested by crowds of gay and happy mortals, talking and laughing in
+the full enjoyment of an existence of which he was so soon to be
+deprived. The doomed man now stood alone in a deserted common. He gazed
+upward at the heavens. From the innumerable multitude of shining orbs
+over his head, he selected a star in which his spirit was to dwell after
+its departure from these sublunary scenes. Botts did not return to his
+room. He thought not of his comfortable bed at the hotel. During the
+long hours of the silent night he continued to walk to and fro on the
+outskirts of the town, a melancholy man, meditating on his latter end
+and gazing upward at the celestial dwelling-place which he had selected
+for his residence after his immolation on the field of honor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+
+Just before the peep of day Captain Bragg, accompanied by his second,
+repaired to the spot selected for the duel. Toney had informed his
+principal of the terms agreed upon by Wiggins and himself, and the old
+warrior forbore to make any inquiry in relation to the weapons to be
+used on the occasion; Tom Seddon having kindly undertaken to convey them
+to the ground during the night, so as to avoid observation. Bragg
+expressed his satisfaction with the arrangement, and reiterated his
+readiness to fight with any weapon, even with a gun loaded with Greek
+fire, or with hot water, as Seddon again suggested.
+
+As they came in sight of the dueling-ground, Bragg suddenly halted and
+said, in a tone of vexation,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, we will be interrupted."
+
+"Why so?" inquired Toney.
+
+"There is a gypsy camp in the grove. I perceive their fires among the
+trees."
+
+"You are mistaken, Captain Bragg. There are no gypsies within a hundred
+miles of us. No doubt Seddon has kindled a fire with dry sticks. Let us
+go on."
+
+They now entered the grove, and Bragg stood still with a look of
+amazement. At twelve paces apart were two fires, each kept alive by a
+negro, who was busily employed in piling on fuel. Over each fire was an
+iron pot filled with water, in a state of active ebullition. In the
+space between the two fires was Tom Seddon, walking to and fro with his
+hands behind his back, giving directions to his sable assistants who had
+charge of the pots.
+
+"By the powers of mud!" exclaimed Bragg, "what does this mean?"
+
+"It means," said Toney, "that everything is prepared, and that we are
+only waiting for the arrival of Botts. Tom, have you got the guns
+ready?"
+
+"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and
+about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one
+end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg,
+saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."
+
+"What is this?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"It is your gun," said Seddon.
+
+"Gun--gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.
+
+"I most certainly do," said Seddon.
+
+"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain
+how it is to be used."
+
+Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water
+nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up
+horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other
+pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one
+side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of
+scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet.
+"There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as
+that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."
+
+"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am
+going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at
+me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"
+
+"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of
+danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to
+flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he
+does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a
+belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to
+fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and
+there are Caesar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."
+
+"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is
+broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you
+are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."
+
+"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back
+down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of
+the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between
+man and man? It is devil's work!"
+
+"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often
+been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the
+fighting aeolipile?"
+
+"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
+
+"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of
+the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, and the Greeks were accustomed
+to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I
+am certain that you will put Botts to flight."
+
+"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great
+efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon
+the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."
+
+"Where was that?" asked Bragg.
+
+"In Spain,"[3] said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped
+their arms on the field and fled into a nunnery. The French had no
+artillery, and attempted to take the place by a _coup de main_. But the
+petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water
+were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but
+that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most
+prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with
+their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary
+evolutions."
+
+"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.
+
+"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the
+scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to
+advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a
+musket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the door with its
+butt. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated
+forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him.
+With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made
+frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and
+faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended
+from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with
+amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell,
+'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was
+closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full
+of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."
+
+"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.
+
+"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the
+timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It
+was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their
+water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an
+especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no
+avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and
+the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the
+tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"
+
+"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has been employed in both
+ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled
+before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts
+from yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your courage."
+
+"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said
+he,--and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,--"I will
+remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the
+challenger?"
+
+"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.
+
+Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your principal.
+Where is Mr. Botts?"
+
+"He has fled," said Wiggins.
+
+"Fled?" said Belton.
+
+"Fled!" exclaimed Bragg; and his face became as radiant as the morning
+just then illuminated by the sun which had appeared above the eastern
+horizon.
+
+"Yes," said Wiggins, "Botts has run off like an arrant poltroon."
+
+"I will post him for cowardice!" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"As you please," said Wiggins. "I want nothing more to do with Mr.
+Botts. He attempted to assassinate me."
+
+"Assassinate you!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Yes, sir; when I informed him of the terms proposed by you, he
+attempted to take my life."
+
+"Attempted to kill his second!" said Seddon.
+
+"The assassin! the ruffian! the poltroon! I'll post him!" said Bragg.
+
+"He jumped up and aimed a blow at my head with a chair," said Wiggins.
+
+"An assault and battery," said Tom. "Liable in a suit for damages."
+
+"He afterwards became calm, apologized for the outrage, and agreed to
+meet Captain Bragg at the hour named. But when I called for him this
+morning he had disappeared."
+
+"Disappeared!" said Toney.
+
+"Yes, sir,--absconded,--fled to parts unknown."
+
+"I will publish him," said Bragg. "I will prepare placards with the
+words BOTTS and COWARD in letters as big as my hand! Come, Mr. Belton;
+come, gentlemen."
+
+"Put out the fires, Caesar. Take care of the pots, Hannibal," said
+Seddon. And with these instructions to those two distinguished
+personages, Tom shouldered the tin tubes and followed after Bragg, who,
+with Belton and Wiggins, was proceeding with rapid strides towards the
+town.
+
+FOOTNOTE:
+
+[3] We have not been to find any account of this combat in Napier's
+History of the Peninsular War. The historian overlooked it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+
+Captain Bragg, with an appetite rendered voracious by his exercise in
+the open air at so early an hour, made a hearty breakfast on an abundant
+supply of ham and eggs, which Lord Byron has said is a dish good enough
+for an emperor. Having finished his repast, he arose from the table, and
+going to his apartment, proceeded to prepare the placard in which he
+intended to make known the poltroonery of Botts to the public. When a
+man's mind is full of his subject, composition is performed with ease
+and rapidity. The words roll off from the end of the pen as naturally as
+water flows from a perennial fountain. Bragg's writing instrument
+galloped across the paper and soon covered the foolscap with a terrible
+denunciation of the unfortunate Botts.
+
+The indignant duelist hurried off to a printing-office, and said to the
+proprietor, "I want you to print this immediately."
+
+"Will you be so good as to furnish me with your name?" said the
+proprietor.
+
+"Of what consequence is my name to you?" said Bragg. "I want you to
+print the advertisement, and here is the money."
+
+"Can't do it," said the proprietor. "Can't put anything in my paper
+without the name of the party who furnishes it; advertisement or no
+advertisement,--paid for or not,--I can't print it."
+
+"Why not?" said Bragg.
+
+"Because we can't afford to keep a fighting editor in this office; and I
+don't want to get into difficulties."
+
+"What difficulties will you get into?" said Bragg.
+
+"Plenty of them. I don't want my head broken with a cudgel, sir."
+
+"Who is going to break your head?" said Bragg.
+
+"There are plenty of people in these parts to do it, sir, and on slight
+provocation. Last winter a fellow came into this office just before we
+went to press, and left an advertisement which he paid for, saying that
+he wanted it to appear in our issue of that day. It was a certificate
+that Samuel Crabstick, who is a bald-headed man, had bought a bottle of
+Dr. Bamboozle's celebrated hair ointment, and applied it to his bare
+scalp, and that in forty-eight hours after the first application a fine
+suit of hair had grown all over his head, seven inches in length. Well,
+what were the consequences, sir? Why, the whole town was talking and
+laughing about this wonderful growth of hair. And next morning old
+Crabstick walked into the office, and, after much profanity, assaulted
+me with a heavy bludgeon. Had it not been for my devil, who come behind
+him and put him _hors de combat_ with the hot poker, he would have
+broken my bones, sir. So your advertisement cannot go in my paper unless
+you leave your name for reference."
+
+"I don't want it in your paper," said Bragg. "I want it printed like a
+hand-bill."
+
+"Oh, that alters the case. You take the responsibility."
+
+"Here! I want these three words,--look, will
+you?--BOTTS--POLTROON--COWARD,--printed in your largest letters."
+
+"We have type big enough," said the printer, producing some wooden
+blocks about three inches long.
+
+"Those will do," said Bragg. "Now, go to work--quick--hurry!"
+
+In a very brief space of time Bragg had a dozen documents in his
+possession, for which he paid the printer and hastened away.
+
+In a few moments after he had left the printing-office, Bragg's tall
+form was seen elevated on a stool; and he was in the act of pasting a
+hand-bill against the side of the hotel when he was interrupted by the
+landlord, who said,--
+
+"Captain Bragg, I do not allow any bills for monkey shows to be pasted
+against my house."
+
+"This is no bill for a monkey show," said Bragg.
+
+"Nor advertisements for quack medicines, neither," said the landlord.
+
+"This is no advertisement for quack medicines," said Bragg, with a look
+of indignation.
+
+"Well, whatever it be, you can't paste it there. I will not have my
+walls plastered over with advertisements."
+
+Bragg scowled at the landlord, and, getting down from the stool with a
+profane expression, he went across the street to an apothecary's shop.
+Here he was about to put up a placard when he perceived in large letters
+on the corner, PASTE NO PILLS HERE; some ingenious urchins having
+altered the original B to a P. Bragg was puzzled, and scratched his
+head; and, as he did so, an idea entered his cranium, and he understood
+that this inscription was a prohibition as imperative as that which he
+had just received from the landlord.
+
+Bragg was in a dilemma. He did not know what to do with his documents.
+He had made two or three attempts on other houses, and had been warned
+off by the proprietors. A chambermaid had discharged a quantity of foul
+water at him from an upper window as he was in the act of defacing the
+dwelling with a hand-bill; and a burly Hibernian, in his emphatic
+brogue, had cursed him for an itinerant vender of nostrums; for there
+was a violent prejudice in the town of Bella Vista against all venders
+of quack medicines ever since a wandering empiric, having promised to
+cure an old gentleman of some hepatic disorder, had given him an emetic,
+and afterwards told him that he had puked up a piece of his liver and
+would soon get well; when, in fact, the patient was soon in the hands of
+the undertaker.
+
+Toney and Tom now came to the assistance of Bragg; and Seddon, being a
+citizen of the town, and acquainted with its localities, conducted the
+captain to a small tenement which was used by a Dutchman as a stable for
+his donkey. Bragg produced his documents, and was about to apply the
+paste when the Dutchman came forth leading his donkey, and exclaimed,
+"Donner und blitzen! what for you do dat?" Tom whispered to Bragg to
+offer the Dutchman a dollar. This suggestion had its effect, and the
+silver coin obtained from the proprietor of the stable a place for the
+duelist's placard.
+
+Having made his donation to the Dutchman, Bragg was spreading his paste
+on the side of the donkey's dwelling when a loud shout was heard in the
+street. A crowd of men and boys were seen advancing, and in their midst,
+covered with mud and filth from head to foot, and led along by two
+sturdy Irishmen, was a most pitiable and disgusting object. His face had
+received a coating of wet clay, which was gradually getting dry, and
+made his visage as ugly as an idol in a Hindoo temple. His clothing was
+befouled with slime; and the two men held him at arm's length, so as to
+avoid the defilement of actual contact.
+
+"By the powers of mud! what is that?" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"One of the powers aforesaid coming in answer to your invocation, I
+suppose," said Seddon.
+
+"It is mud, sure enough," said Toney.
+
+"Walking abroad and endeavoring to dry itself in the sun," said Seddon.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted the boys.
+
+"Here he is--by jabers! we found him!" said an Irishman.
+
+"Who is he?" said Toney.
+
+"Do you not know me?" said a dolorous voice issuing from the mass of
+mud.
+
+"No, I do not. Who are you?"
+
+"I am Botts."
+
+"Botts!" said Toney.
+
+"Botts!" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"Botts!" shouted Bragg.
+
+"Yes, gentlemen, I am Botts."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+
+It would require the perfection of language to describe the amazement of
+Captain Bragg when he beheld a slimy figure, looking like one of the
+powers by whom he continually swore, and heard a voice issuing from its
+ugly lips, and saying "I am Botts." The placards, in which he was about
+to doom his absconding adversary to eternal infamy, dropped from his
+hand, and were picked up by a boy, and converted into the tail for a
+kite. Toney and Tom were also astonished at the sudden and strange
+appearance of the missing man. After a moment of silence, Belton said,--
+
+"Where did you come from?"
+
+"From the bottom of a well," said an Irishman.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Pate, who had just arrived in company with Wiggins
+and Perch,--"good heavens! did Botts fall into a well?"
+
+"And shure it's not for me to say how he got there. We found him in the
+well on his knees in the wather, and praying to the blessed Vargin and
+all the saints."
+
+"I'm almost dead! I'll never get over it!" said Botts.
+
+"Run for a doctor! run, Perch! run!" said Pate.
+
+Perch went off at the double-quick in search of medical aid, while Pate
+and Wiggins conducted their friend to the hotel.
+
+"Don't bring that man in here. I can't have my house covered with mud
+and filth. Take him to the bath-house and wash him," said the landlord.
+
+Pate pleaded and implored, but the landlord was inexorable; and they
+were compelled to conduct the miserable man to the bath-house. With some
+difficulty he was divested of his clothing; and, while Wiggins assisted
+him in performing his ablutions, Pate proceeded to his apartment and
+procured a change of raiment. His two friends then led him to his room,
+where they found Perch with the doctor. The physician examined his
+patient, and discovered that no bones were broken, and that there was
+no internal injury of any sort. He ordered Botts a strong tonic, and,
+telling him to keep quiet in bed and he would be well in the morning,
+took his departure. Perch soon after left the room, saying that he had
+an engagement to walk with Miss Imogen Hazlewood. Pate and Wiggins sat
+by the bedside of their afflicted friend, who, with many a moan and
+dolorous ejaculation, told the story of his misfortune, which we will
+endeavor to abbreviate and relate in more intelligible language.
+
+It will be recollected that after Botts had executed his last will and
+testament, and addressed letters of farewell to his friends, he had
+proceeded to the outskirts of the town, and walked to and fro over the
+common, meditating on his approaching end. About the middle of the
+night, as he continued to walk with his gaze fixed on the star which he
+had selected for his future abode, he tumbled into an unfinished well,
+about twelve feet deep, with six inches of water at the bottom. It being
+night, and he being under the earth, his loud cries for assistance were
+unheard, and he remained in the well until a late hour in the morning,
+when the Irish laborers discovered him on his knees in the water praying
+fervently; he having experienced a change of heart, and repented of the
+great crime he had intended to commit.
+
+While Pate and Wiggins were consoling their friend, they were startled
+by loud shrieks from a female voice in an adjacent apartment.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Pate.
+
+"What's that?" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"There's murder in the house!" bawled out Botts; and he jumped from his
+bed and ran to the door.
+
+"Come back, Botts! you haven't got your breeches on," said Wiggins; and
+he seized Botts by the caudal extremity of his under-garment and held
+him with a firm grasp.
+
+Shrieks after shrieks were heard, and then the heavy tread of feet
+hurrying along the corridor. Pate and Wiggins rushed to the scene of
+action, and beheld the landlord, with loud and violent imprecations,
+kicking Captain Bragg's monkey out of a room. The creature had got
+loose, and climbing over the transom of a door, had leaped down on a
+bed where a lady was taking her siesta. The hideous apparition had
+nearly thrown the fair inmate of the room into convulsions.
+
+"Get out of here, you infernal imp!" said the landlord, giving the
+monkey a kick which sent it rolling over and over along the corridor.
+The agile creature gathered itself up, and with an active bound sprang
+on the railing of the stairway, where it sat making ugly grimaces, and
+shaking both fists at Boniface in intense indignation.
+
+"Get me a gun!" shouted the landlord, in a towering passion.
+
+"Don't shoot!" exclaimed Pate; and a dozen female voices shrieked in
+apprehension of the report of fire-arms.
+
+"What are you doing to my monkey?" said Bragg, hurrying to the spot.
+
+"Get out of my house with that incarnate devil of yours!" said the
+landlord. The monkey grinned and shook its fists, and the landlord
+stamped his foot and swore with vim and vehemence.
+
+"I'll have satisfaction for this outrage offered to my monkey," said
+Bragg.
+
+"I'll give you satisfaction, sir! I'm no Botts, to be bullied by you,
+sir! If you don't get out of this house, I'll take you by the neck and
+heels and throw you out, and your monkey after you!"
+
+The landlord was a powerful and determined man. He had fought under Old
+Hickory at New Orleans. He stood six feet three in his stockings, and
+could easily have executed his threat.
+
+"Do you not keep a house for the accommodation of travelers?" said
+Bragg. "For the entertainment of man and beast?"
+
+"But not for the entertainment of man and devil! That monkey is a born
+devil, sir!"
+
+"He was a royal present from her Majesty the Queen of Madagascar," said
+Bragg.
+
+"A royal present from his Majesty the Old Boy!" said Boniface. "He gets
+loose just when he pleases. He chased the cooks out of the kitchen, and
+ate up the eggs they had got for breakfast. He stole a negro baby out of
+its cradle and hid it in the wood-house."
+
+"He is a cannibal!" said Seddon.
+
+"One of the captain's long-tailed African friends," said Toney.
+
+"Dines on babies," said Tom. "He'll be after a Dutchman next."
+
+"Out of this house he goes, and you, too!" said the landlord. "Here,
+Caesar, Scipio! carry Captain Bragg's baggage down and set it on the
+pavement." The negroes proceeded to obey orders. "And now be off!" said
+Boniface. "I don't ask you to settle your bill; I want no money from
+you. I want you to leave, and take that monkey with you!"
+
+"You had better go," said Seddon to Bragg, "or he will call on the
+sheriff to summon a _posse comitatus_ and put you out."
+
+"I want no comitatus, Mr. Seddon," said the landlord, overhearing the
+remark; "I can manage him and his monkey both."
+
+The sagacity of Bragg enabled him to comprehend the situation. He
+perceived that the indignant Boniface was not to be intimidated even by
+a harpoon or a boomerang. Toney Belton had whispered to the cosmopolite
+that the landlord was the very man who had shot General Packenham from
+his horse, and thereby gained for Old Hickory his glorious victory on
+the banks of the Mississippi; and Tom Seddon asseverated that he had
+decapitated three Indians with a bowie-knife, in a hand-to-hand
+encounter, in the Everglades of Florida. Upon calm consideration Bragg
+determined to leave the hotel. His baggage was conveyed to a
+boarding-house which Seddon had found for him in the suburbs of the
+town. Here he secured comfortable quarters for himself and an asylum for
+his monkey.
+
+At night, after smoking their cigars, Belton proposed to his friend that
+they should call on Botts. They were sitting in his room, with Wiggins,
+talking to the unfortunate man, and getting him in a cheerful mood by
+pleasant conversation, when Pate rushed in with horror depicted in his
+countenance.
+
+"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" said Belton.
+
+"Oh!--oh!--oh!"
+
+"What's the matter?" said Wiggins.
+
+"Help--help--help!"
+
+"What's the matter? What's the matter?" exclaimed everybody at once.
+
+"Perch--Perch!"
+
+"What has he done?" said Wiggins.
+
+"Has committed suicide!"
+
+And Pate rushed from the room like one bereft of his reason. Toney, Tom,
+and Wiggins ran after him, while Botts jumped from his bed and hurried
+through the door; and several affrighted females loudly screamed as they
+beheld him swiftly gliding along the corridor, in his white garments,
+and looking like a ghost.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+
+Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood were cousins. The former was an
+orphan whose father had died in affluence, leaving his only child a
+large estate. Her home was the magnificent mansion of her uncle, Colonel
+Hazlewood, a wealthy citizen of Bella Vista, and her constant companion
+was the beautiful Imogen. Each of these young ladies had a devoted
+lover, who, as Tom Seddon had remarked, would have gone on a pilgrimage
+to the North Pole in search of an icicle in obedience to her wishes.
+Clarence Hastings adored the lovely Claribel, and Imogen was worshiped
+by the handsome Harry Vincent. The young men were only sons of two
+wealthy gentlemen, and consequently each would inherit an ample fortune.
+They were highly educated and accomplished. Clarence had devoted himself
+to the study of medicine; while Harry was a man of leisure and had
+become a votary of the Muses, having already published a small volume of
+poems, which were admired by the general reader, and had even been
+commended by critics. But Clarence, although he had made great progress
+in anatomy and was satisfied that a man could not exist without a
+heart, was inclined to believe that a woman sometimes managed to get
+along without that important organ. He arrived at this conclusion from
+pursuing his studies in the society of the lovely Claribel. Harry
+Vincent had discovered that the poets in all ages had used the word in
+their verses, and supposed that most women had a heart, but was afraid
+that Imogen had grown up in magnificent beauty without ever having had
+one deposited by nature in her bosom. After much meditation, he
+determined to ascertain if he was not mistaken, and in the afternoon of
+the very day on which the valiant Captain Bragg had been expelled from
+the hotel by the indignant landlord, he proceeded to the mansion of
+Colonel Hazlewood and inquired for Imogen. He was told that she was
+walking in the garden. Thither he went, and in an arbor beheld a sight
+which convinced him that the beautiful Imogen had a heart. He hastily
+retired, and determined to go to the Mexican war, and march for the
+Halls of the Montezumas.
+
+What spectacle was it that caused such warlike emotions in the bosom of
+Harry Vincent? Why was he so suddenly impelled to march under the
+star-spangled banner against Santa Anna and his legions, in the valley
+of Mexico?
+
+
+     Oh, women! women! pretty doves or pigeons!
+       How many men for you their weapons clutch!
+     For you the Grecians murdered all the Phrygians.
+
+
+And it was on account of one of the most beautiful of womankind that
+poor Harry Vincent determined to shoulder his musket and shed his blood
+on the field of battle.
+
+He rushed frantically from the garden, looking as pale as a ghost. But
+what had he seen? On his knees in the arbor he beheld Sam Perch, whom
+Toney Belton called the Long Green Boy, with his head resting on the lap
+of the beautiful Imogen. The young lady was dipping her handkerchief in
+a vase of water and tenderly bathing his brow. Now, what had brought the
+poor Long Green Boy down on his knees before Imogen? What had he said
+to Imogen, and what had she said to him, that had caused him to faint?
+Oh, ladies, how do you manage to get a stout young fellow down on his
+knees before you, when a strong man could not bring him to that position
+except by a powerful blow from a ponderous fist? The whole thing was a
+mystery, but the fact was apparent. Perch had gone down on his knees
+before the lovely Imogen, and she had spoken words which had caused such
+strong emotions that he had fainted. The Long Green Boy revived, after
+the young lady, with womanly tenderness, had bathed his brow with water
+from a fountain. He told her that his heart was broken. She murmured
+something in reply and glided from the garden, while the poor youth
+arose from his knees and with his fractured heart proceeded to his room
+at the hotel.
+
+When the unfortunate Long Green Boy entered his room at the hotel, he
+seated himself on a trunk in a corner, with a multitude of darts, which
+had emanated from the eyes of the beautiful Imogen, sticking in his
+heart and causing him intense agony. The poor youth had been carried
+away into the regions of rapture, and then suddenly and unexpectedly
+plunged into the pit of despair. He was convinced that his misery was
+more than he could bear, and after meditating profoundly upon the most
+eligible methods of escaping from the troubles of this sublunary state
+of existence, he arose, and going to an apothecary's shop, asked for a
+pint of laudanum.
+
+"How much?" inquired the apothecary.
+
+"A pint," said Perch.
+
+"Do you want a whole pint?"
+
+"Yes," said Perch, with a look of despair in his face,--"it will take a
+whole pint to cure me."
+
+"What is the matter with you?" asked the apothecary.
+
+"I have got the--the toothache," said Perch.
+
+"Humph!" said the apothecary. And he went into a back room to get a
+bottle.
+
+"Father," said a blue-eyed young lady in the back room, "do not give
+that young man any laudanum."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"Because I have been watching him through the door, and I am certain he
+is crossed in love. He will kill himself."
+
+"Pooh! pooh! the young man has got the toothache. That's worse than
+being crossed in love a hundred times."
+
+"Oh, father!" said the young lady, and she resumed her reading of "The
+Sorrows of Werther."
+
+The apothecary filled the bottle and handed it to his customer. Perch
+returned to his room and proceeded to make preparations for his
+departure from earth. He sat down and wrote a letter to the cruel
+Imogen, in which he accused her of being the sole cause of his untimely
+end. He directed another letter to his distinguished friend, M. T. Pate,
+telling him that his sufferings were unendurable, and that he had been
+driven by despair to the commission of the deed.
+
+With a trembling hand the Long Green Boy then poured about half the
+contents of the bottle into a goblet and hastily drank it off. He then
+laid himself down on the bed, crossed his legs and folded his arms, and
+prepared to die with decency. Instead of the lethal effects of the
+laudanum which he had expected, he soon experienced a wonderful
+exhilaration. The washstand in the corner of the room seemed to be
+dancing a jig; there were now two lamps on the table instead of one; and
+at last the room itself was in motion, and the Long Green Boy supposed
+that the house was being moved about by an earthquake. In great
+excitement he arose from the bed, and with the floor rocking and rolling
+so that he could hardly stand on his feet, he staggered to the table,
+and, seizing the bottle, swallowed its contents. With a revolving motion
+he then reached the bed, sank down, and was soon in a state of profound
+insensibility.
+
+While the Long Green Boy thus lay in a stupor, M. T. Pate entered the
+apartment. He endeavored to awaken the sleeper, but found it impossible
+to do so, and seeing a letter on the table addressed to himself, he
+opened it, and then, with a loud exclamation of horror, rushed from the
+room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+
+The unhappy victim of unrequited love lay on his back, with his face
+turned to the ceiling, and his arms folded over his bosom, as if waiting
+for the undertaker to come and ascertain his measurement, when M. T.
+Pate again entered the room, and, rushing to the side of the bed,
+exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"
+
+Wiggins now burst into the room, and, looking at the recumbent and
+motionless form on the bed, also exclaimed, "Oh! oh! oh!"
+
+"What's the matter?" said Toney.
+
+"He has killed himself!" said Wiggins.
+
+"Great thunder!" said Tom.
+
+"Has taken poison!" said Pate.
+
+"Poison!" exclaimed Toney. "Run for a doctor, Tom! Tell him to bring a
+stomach-pump! Run!"
+
+Tom Seddon rushed from the room in headlong haste, and running against
+Botts in the corridor, hurled him down a stairway. The unlucky Botts, in
+his night-garments, rolled over and over until he reached the bottom,
+when he found himself among a number of females, who loudly shrieked and
+fled in terror from the hideous apparition. Tom stopped not to inquire
+if any bones were broken, but went off as fast as his legs could carry
+him after a doctor to pump out the poison, while Botts rushed up the
+stairway in his night-clothes, and put another party of females to
+flight on the upper landing. He was followed into the apartment, where
+poor Perch lay on the bed, by the landlord, who was in a towering rage.
+
+"Mr. Botts!" shouted the landlord, shaking his ponderous fist at Botts,
+who was leaning over the unfortunate Perch,--"Mr. Botts! what do you
+mean by running about my house with no clothes on your----"
+
+"Hush!" said Botts.
+
+"Hush!" said Wiggins.
+
+"For Heaven's sake, hush!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+The landlord glared like an enraged lion at each of the speakers in
+succession, and then advancing on Botts, seized him by the collar and
+hurled him around until his fragile clothing was torn from his person,
+and Botts fell over a trunk and sat in a corner of the room almost in a
+state of complete nudity.
+
+"You shameless, impudent, outrageous, ugly beast! do you think that I
+will allow you to be running and racing about among the ladies in my
+house like a naked savage?"
+
+"Hold!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Respect the dead!" exclaimed Pate, pointing to poor Perch lying on the
+bed.
+
+"Who's dead?" said the landlord, looking aghast.
+
+"Look there!" said Pate.
+
+The landlord stepped forward and leaned over Perch.
+
+"Who says he is dead?" asked Boniface.
+
+"He has taken poison?" said Pate.
+
+"A whole pint--enough to kill fifty men!" said Wiggins.
+
+"He is drunk!" said the landlord.
+
+"Shame! shame!" cried Pate.
+
+"Insult the dead!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"He is drunk! I'll bet my hat on it!" said the landlord.
+
+Here Tom Seddon rushed into the room, followed by a doctor carrying a
+stomach-pump in his hand.
+
+"Here, doctor! here!" exclaimed Pate. "Quick! quick!"
+
+"Open his month," said the doctor.
+
+Pate proceeded to obey instructions, and succeeded in opening the Long
+Green Boy's mouth, but he unfortunately got his fingers in the orifice,
+and the jaws closed firmly on them.
+
+"Oh! oh! oh!" exclaimed Pate, with his forefinger between the teeth of
+the dying man.
+
+"Force his jaws open," said the doctor, holding the tube ready for
+insertion.
+
+"Oh! oh! oh! oh! gracious heavens!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+Toney Belton, by an adroit use of his thumb, succeeded in opening the
+jaws and releasing Pate, who danced about the room, exclaiming, "Oh!
+oh! oh!" while the doctor hastily thrust the tube down his patient's
+throat.
+
+A quantity of fluid was pumped into a basin.
+
+"What did you say he had taken?" inquired the doctor, examining the
+contents of the basin.
+
+"Laudanum!" said Wiggins. "A whole pint of it."
+
+"Enough to kill a team of horses!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"This is not laudanum," said the doctor, with a look of intense disgust
+at his patient.
+
+"What is it?" asked Wiggins.
+
+"Brandy," said the doctor.
+
+"Just as I said," exclaimed the landlord. "I can tell a drunken man from
+a dead man any day."
+
+The diagnosis of the landlord was correct. The wily apothecary had given
+the despairing swain a bottle of brandy, and instead of romantically
+dying for love, he had become stupidly drunk.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII.
+
+
+In the morning Botts, who had been so rudely accosted and so roughly
+handled by the landlord in the apartment of the unfortunate Long Green
+Boy, was in close and earnest consultation with Wiggins. The question
+for solution was whether the landlord was a gentleman, and as such
+amenable for the insult offered to Botts by his language and the assault
+on his person. The Thirty-nine Articles of the Code of Honor were
+carefully consulted, and the question was finally determined in the
+affirmative. The social status of the offender being settled, Wiggins
+undertook to carry a cartel from Botts to Boniface.
+
+Wiggins found the landlord in his office making out bills and handed him
+Botts's invitation to the field of honor.
+
+"What's this?" asked the landlord.
+
+"It is a note from Mr. Botts," said Wiggins. "Be so good as to read it
+and then refer me to your friend, so that there may be arrangements
+made for a speedy meeting."
+
+The landlord looked over the paper and then picked up a big cudgel,
+which leaned against the wall, and advanced towards Wiggins, who began
+to retreat.
+
+"Oh, you need not run," said Boniface,--"I am not going to thrash you.
+But where is Botts?"
+
+"In his room," said Wiggins.
+
+"I'll break every bone in his body!" said the landlord.
+
+"What?" said Wiggins.
+
+"I'll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly!" And he started toward the
+door.
+
+"Hold!" cried Wiggins. "Are you not a gentleman? If not, in behalf of my
+principal I now withdraw the challenge."
+
+"Who is your principal?" exclaimed the landlord. "A man who comes into
+my house to turn it upside down! Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon
+as he arrives! Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides
+himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a well! Amuses
+himself by running and racing among the ladies like a naked Caliban and
+frightening my female boarders out of their wits! I'll give him
+satisfaction,--the ugly brute!"
+
+The landlord began to ascend the stairway, breathing vengeance against
+Botts. Wiggins caught him by the tail of his coat and called out, "Hold!
+hold! I command the peace!"
+
+"Are you a magistrate?" said the landlord.
+
+"No; but I am a good citizen, and in the name of the law I command the
+peace!"
+
+"Let me go!" said the landlord, flourishing his cudgel. "Let me go! If
+you tear my coat-tail off, I will----"
+
+Here a number of ladies appeared on the upper landing and opposed a
+barrier of beauty between the landlord and Botts, whose ugly visage was
+seen in their rear. Several gentlemen were in the corridor at the foot
+of the stairway, and among them a fat and funny little fellow, who stood
+gazing at the scene with a most comical expression of countenance. The
+landlord struggled to get free, but Wiggins held on to the tail of his
+coat with the tenacity of a terrier.
+
+"Let me go, I say!" shouted Boniface, shaking his cudgel at Botts.
+
+The ladies screamed and Botts looked amazed. Suddenly a voice was heard
+issuing from the mouth of the challenger, exclaiming, "Save me, ladies!
+oh, save me! save me!"
+
+"What! begging, you ugly beast!" exclaimed the landlord. "Yes, you had
+better beg!"
+
+"Oh, ladies!" exclaimed Botts, in piteous tones. "Don't let him murder
+me! I put myself under your protection!"
+
+"Who ever heard the like?" said a gentleman standing at the foot of the
+stairway. "The pitiful poltroon! Come away, landlord! You wouldn't beat
+a man who has put himself under the protection of the women!"
+
+The ladies gathered round Botts, and vowed that they would protect him.
+Botts was amazed at their tender solicitude in his behalf. The landlord
+was puzzled. He dropped his cudgel and walked back to his office,
+followed by Wiggins, who was intensely disgusted at the poltroonery of
+his principal.
+
+"Look here, Wiggins," said Boniface, "I can't thrash a man who begs for
+mercy and puts himself under the protection of petticoats, but tell him
+to get out of my house. There has been nothing but confusion in it since
+he came. Let him be off, and tell him to take that drunken fellow Perch
+with him."
+
+Wiggins undertook to convey the message of the landlord to Botts and the
+Long Green Boy. Just then Toney and Tom entered, and the former espying
+the fat little fellow standing in the corridor, exclaimed, "Why,
+Charley! how are you? where did you come from?"
+
+"Toney, my boy, glad to see you! I've just arrived."
+
+"Let me introduce you to my friend Tom Seddon," said Toney. "Tom, this
+is Charley Tickle, an old college friend."
+
+Seddon and Tickle shook hands, and looked as if they intended to be most
+excellent friends.
+
+"Charley," said Toney, "we have not met since we parted at college.
+Where have you been?"
+
+"All over the world, Toney. I have traveled extensively, I can tell you.
+I have been a lecturer, a biologist, an artist, and am now a professor.
+Mind that you always give me my title when we go into company together."
+
+"Where is your local habitation at present?"
+
+"I am studying phrenology under the learned Professor Boneskull."
+
+"Who is he?"
+
+"A celebrated phrenologist. A few days ago he arrived in your town of
+Mapleton, and has there rented a house. You will find him flourishing
+when you go back. The room in which he receives visitors will cause you
+to open your eyes with wonder and awe."
+
+"Why so?" said Toney.
+
+"When you enter, you will see opposite the door a bust of Socrates, and
+on its head is perched a prodigious owl. If I am with you, the owl will
+speak to us and say. 'How do you do, gentlemen?--I am glad to see you.'"
+
+"It must be a parrot," said Seddon.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, it is an owl. He never speaks except when I am present,
+and then he sometimes becomes quite eloquent. There is evidently
+something supernatural about the bird, and I have suggested to Boneskull
+that it may be a fairy. He has consulted it on several occasions, and
+has received most excellent advice."
+
+"No doubt of it," said Toney. "The owl is the bird of wisdom."
+
+"Boneskull has a number of animals, birds, and reptiles stuffed, and
+arranged around his room in glass cases. To show you how implicitly the
+learned man relies upon what is uttered by the bird of wisdom, I will
+relate one or two incidents. One morning I met a young fellow who had a
+rat which he had skinned and stuffed, and having ingeniously fastened
+bristles to its tail, was persuading people that it was a squirrel. I
+told him to take it to Boneskull. When I entered his study, the learned
+man was examining this curious specimen, and shaking his head rather
+dubiously. But on my entrance, the owl spoke and assured him it was a
+genuine squirrel, and of a very rare species; whereupon he purchased it,
+and it now forms a part of his collection."
+
+"But how happens it," said Seddon, "that the bird never speaks except
+when you are present?"
+
+"Oh, that is easily accounted for," said Tickle. "The bird of wisdom has
+a vast deal of discretion. He will not commit himself by any utterance
+except in the presence of a reliable witness. In me he has confidence,
+and in no other living man. I one day told a man to take a skull, which
+he had found, to the phrenologist, and that he would get a good price
+for it. When I entered, Boneskull had it in his hand and was carefully
+examining it. The owl now spoke, and said that it was the skull of a
+distinguished negro lawyer of Timbuctoo, which a missionary had brought
+home with him on his return from Africa. Boneskull was delighted with
+this information. He purchased the skull, and always has it before him
+on his table. It affords him great pleasure to point out its
+intellectual developments as indicated by the bumps. He says that an
+intellect once resided in that cranium equal to that of Clay, Webster,
+or Calhoun, and that its bumps clearly demonstrate that the negro is the
+equal of the white man in mental capacity. The vender of this valuable
+specimen of craniology afterwards told me that it was the skull of an
+idiot who had died in the almshouse; but I did not believe him, for how
+could I doubt the veracity and intelligence of the bird of wisdom?"
+
+Here the conversation was interrupted by the appearance of Botts and
+Perch, accompanied by Pate and Wiggins, and followed by Scipio,
+Hannibal, and Caesar carrying the baggage of the two former gentlemen.
+Toney and his friends walked with them to the cars. On the way Wiggins
+and Botts got into a warm altercation, and the latter became much
+excited as Wiggins upbraided him with having shown the white feather
+when menaced by the landlord's cudgel.
+
+"I tell you," exclaimed Botts, "I never uttered a word."
+
+"You did," said Scipio, who was walking behind with a trunk on his
+shoulder.
+
+"What's that you say?" shouted Botts, turning round and looking at
+Scipio with a most malignant aspect.
+
+"Indeed, Massa Botts," exclaimed Scipio, "I didn't say nothing."
+
+"Botts begged!" said Hannibal. "Yaw! haw! haw!"
+
+"Asked the women to save him from a beating!" said Caesar. "Yaw! haw!
+haw!"
+
+Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious wild beast. His ugly
+visage became absolutely frightful. Lifting up his cane, he suddenly
+charged on Caesar, who dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with
+precipitation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed the
+fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his cane until they
+reached the hotel, when they darted into the basement-story, and hid
+themselves in some place of refuge.
+
+The landlord was standing on the veranda of the hotel, and behold Scipio
+and his comrades flying before the infuriated Botts. He turned white
+with rage and roared out, in a tone of thunder, "Making another muss,
+are you? Can't you be off without raising a row with my negroes? I'll
+settle with you, now there are no petticoats to protect you." And the
+landlord rushed into the house for his cudgel. Botts, having put Scipio,
+Hannibal, and Caesar to flight, had glory enough for one day, and without
+waiting to encounter another antagonist, hastily returned to his
+companions. Pate and Perch were in great agitation, while Toney and Tom
+were convulsed with laughter. The Professor stood quietly looking on
+with a grave and serious aspect. After relieving himself by the
+discharge of a quantity of profanity, Botts was somewhat pacified by
+Pate. The trunks were loaded on a wheelbarrow by a sturdy Hibernian, and
+conveyed to their place of destination; and Perch and his companion,
+bidding their friends an affectionate farewell, entered a car and were
+soon wafted away from the beautiful town of Bella Vista.
+
+Pate and Wiggins returned to the hotel, while Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor sauntered around until a train of cars stopped, and three
+daintily dressed young men got out. These gentlemen all recognized Toney
+Belton, and were introduced by him to his friends as Messrs. Love, Dove,
+and Bliss.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+
+After an interchange of salutations, Dove, who was a little man, about
+five feet three inches in height, most elaborately dressed, tapped the
+toe of his highly polished French boot with an elegant cane, so fragile
+that it seemed to have been constructed for the purpose of beating off
+butterflies and other annoying insects, and then asked after M. T. Pate,
+and inquired the way to the hotel. Having received satisfactory
+information from Toney in response to his inquiries, he took Love by the
+arm, and, followed by Bliss, proceeded up the street.
+
+"Those are pretty little men," said the Professor, looking after them
+with a peculiar expression of fun lurking around the corner of his mouth
+and twinkling in his eye. "What did you say their names were?"
+
+"Love, Dove, and Bliss," said Toney.
+
+"Love and Dove are the two who have their wings locked together?" asked
+the Professor.
+
+"Yes," said Toney. "And Bliss is walking behind."
+
+"That is a proper programme," said the Professor.
+
+"When Love and Dove go together, Bliss should always accompany them."
+
+"Now, Tom," said Toney, "you have seen the whole seven."
+
+"The whole seven!" said the Professor. "Who are they?"
+
+"The Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.
+
+"The Seven Sweethearts!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"An organization," said Toney, "which originated in Mapleton, and now
+has numerous ramifications all over the country."
+
+"Indeed!" said the Professor. "I have traveled much but never heard of
+such an organization until now."
+
+"Then you would like to know something about the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts?" said Seddon.
+
+"Very much," said the Professor. "I am compiling a new work on zoology,
+and will devote a chapter to the species of animal you have mentioned."
+
+"Toney will give you a history of the origin and objects of the
+organization," said Tom.
+
+"With the greatest pleasure," said Toney. "But come, let us light our
+cigars and take seats on yonder bench under the trees and make ourselves
+comfortable."
+
+The three friends proceeded to the spot designated, and while the
+fragrant smoke was rolling off from their cigars, Toney gave an account
+of the Mystic Brotherhood, such as Seddon had already been made
+acquainted with; following it up with a recital of the events which had
+recently transpired in the town of Bella Vista; including a graphic
+description of the combat between Botts and the monkey in the ball-room;
+the contemplated duel between Botts and Bragg, and its singular
+termination; the terrible quarrel between the latter and the landlord,
+and the expulsion of the valiant captain from the hotel; the abortive
+attempt of Perch to commit suicide, and the scenes that ensued up to the
+time of the arrival of Tickle. The Professor listened with grave
+interest, and occasionally made a note in a little book which he drew
+from his pocket and held in his hand. When Toney had concluded, he
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Well, Toney, I thought that I knew something, but you are a long way
+ahead of me, my boy, in useful knowledge. Let me see." And he looked
+over his notes. "The Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts. An order founded
+on principles of benevolence. Its object the welfare of women. To
+prevent marriages. Single women much happier than those who are married.
+A grand idea of M. T. Pate. Toney, this organization must flourish. It
+will soon get far ahead of the Order of Seven Wise Men. But it must have
+leaders. Who are its officers?"
+
+"I have a list of them here," said Toney, drawing a paper from his
+pocket-book.
+
+"What is this?" said the Professor, taking the paper in his hand and
+glancing over it. It read as follows:
+
+
+                     M. O. O. S. S.
+     N. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .  M. T. Pate.
+     M. W. D.  .  .  .  .  .  .  Wm. Wiggins.
+     P. O. P. F.  .  .  .  .  .  Edward Botts.
+     G. G. G.  .  .  .  .  .  .  Samuel Perch.
+     D. A.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Lucius Love.
+     N. N.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Altamont Dove.
+     W. W.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  Marmaduke Bliss.
+
+
+"What do those letters signify?" said the Professor.
+
+"I have been puzzling my held over them for a long while," said Toney.
+"Suppose you and Tom Seddon now aid me in deciphering them."
+
+"Agreed!" said Tom.
+
+"N. G. G.," said the Professor. "What does that mean?"
+
+"I can't make it out," said Toney.
+
+"Noble Grand Gander," suggested Tom.
+
+"Good!" said Toney. "Tom, you are an Oedipus!"
+
+"M. T. Pate is the Noble Grand Gander of the organization," said the
+Professor, making an entry in his book. "M. W. D. What does that
+signify?"
+
+"You are too hard for me," said Toney.
+
+"Most Worthy Donkey," said Tom.
+
+"Hurrah!" said Toney,--"that's it, I am certain. Tom, you should open a
+guessing school,--you would make your fortune."
+
+"P. O. P. F.," said the Professor. "What's that?"
+
+"Can't you guess, Tom?" said Toney.
+
+"I am balked," said Tom.
+
+"Botts?" said the Professor. "Is he the handsome man who was chasing the
+negroes?"
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"Prince Of Pretty Fellows," suggested the Professor.
+
+"That's it! excellent!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"G. G. G.?" said the Professor.
+
+"Great Green Gosling," said Tom.
+
+"Perch is the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor, making an entry
+in his book. "And now for Love. What is the signification of D. A.?"
+
+"Dainty Adorer," said Toney; and the Professor made a note, and then
+inquired the meaning of N. N.
+
+"Noble Nonentity," said Tom.
+
+"That hits Dove exactly," said Toney.
+
+"There is one more," said the Professor.
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"W. W.," said the Professor.
+
+"Winsome Wooer," suggested Seddon.
+
+"That completes the list," said the Professor, looking over his
+note-book and making another entry.
+
+"Bliss is the Winsome Wooer. Toney, how did you procure this curious
+document?"
+
+"It came into my possession under very extraordinary circumstances,"
+said Toney. "Would you like to hear the story?"
+
+"I would, indeed," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us have it," said Tom.
+
+"You have heard me speak of the Widow Wild, who lives in the vicinity of
+Mapleton?" said Toney.
+
+"Frequently," said Tom.
+
+"The widow has a very handsome residence, and in it dwells a very pretty
+daughter."
+
+"The lovely Rosabel Wild?" said Tom.
+
+"How did you learn her name?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Oh, I have learned that and much more in addition," said Tom.
+
+"What more?" said Toney.
+
+"I have been credibly informed that a certain young lawyer, who answers
+to the name of Toney Belton, and who seldom deigns to look at any other
+woman, is wonderfully enchanted and woefully bewitched by the lovely
+Rosabel Wild. Is it not so? Come, make a clean breast of it, Toney. An
+honest confession is good for the soul?"
+
+"Well, Tom, I will be candid with you, and say, in sailor's phraseology,
+that if I were about to embark on a voyage of matrimony, as captain of
+the craft I would like to have Rosabel Wild for my mate. But the widow
+is very eccentric, and has often declared, in the most emphatic terms,
+that no man can marry her daughter unless he is worth a hundred thousand
+dollars. Now, you know that I have not got a hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"But your bachelor uncle, Colonel Abraham Belton, has, and you will be
+his heir."
+
+"That is by no means so certain as you seem to suppose. Colonel Abraham
+Belton, although he has lived longer than yourself by some twenty years,
+is really as young a man as either of us, for nature has given him a
+constitution of iron. He is so tough that time has never been able to
+plow a furrow in his face, nor has he a gray hair in his whiskers. He
+may marry a wife."
+
+"Very true," said the Professor; "and she may raise up children unto
+Abraham."
+
+"And," said Toney, "the children of Abraham may deprive me of the
+hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"Toney, you are a man of sense," said the Professor; "and the French
+maxim-maker says that a wise man may sometimes love like a madman, but
+never like a fool. But let us hear your story."
+
+"Well, you must know that I am really a very great favorite with the
+Widow Wild, although I have not the requisite sum for a son-in-law. I
+believe that Rosabel would be willing to wait until I get the hundred
+thousand dollars. Indeed, to be candid, I have consulted her, and she
+has expressed a decided determination to do so. This, however, is a
+profound secret between the young lady and myself, which we have never
+confided to the widow. I am often at the house."
+
+"I should suppose so," said Tom.
+
+"On a certain evening I was there, and the clock striking eleven, I rose
+and was about to take my leave, when the widow urged me to remain,
+saying that she had received an intimation that Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+who, you must know, sing as sweetly as nightingales, were coming to
+entertain Rosabel with a serenade. Now, the widow has a singular
+antipathy to the Seven Sweethearts, and not one of them can gain
+admission to her mansion; but Love, Dove, and Bliss had met Rosabel a
+few nights before at a party, where Dove kept fluttering around her
+until the widow, who was also present, expressed a desire to take him
+home and put him in a cage with her canary-bird. It was a fine moonlight
+night, and we sat conversing in the parlor until about twelve o'clock,
+when we heard the voice of Dove under Rosabel's window, singing, in
+mellifluous notes,--
+
+
+     'Wake, fairest, awake! at thy window now be;
+       The moon on the midnight her splendor is pouring.
+     Wake, fairest, awake! from thy window now see,
+       Like a saint at his shrine, thy lover adoring.
+
+     'Come, beautiful, forth on thy balcony high,
+       While silver-toned music around thee is floating;
+     And yon shooting-star shall come down from the sky,
+       Like a slave at thy feet his homage devoting.
+
+     'Nay, venture not, dearest! lest over the air
+       Some spirits should chance to be wand'ring this even;
+     And, deeming thee some truant angel now there,
+       Might steal thee away to their home in the heaven.'
+
+
+"'Rosabel,' said I, 'how can you refrain from jumping out the window
+when a pretty little man like Dove invites you to come forth and behold
+"thy lover adoring"?'
+
+"'But,' said Rosabel, 'in the last verse he warns me not to venture.'
+
+"'That is true,' said I; 'the little man manifests a wonderful
+solicitude for your safety. He is apprehensive lest you might be
+arrested as a runaway angel,--a fugitive from service.'
+
+"'Hist! hist!' said Rosabel.
+
+"'That is Love,' said I; and the voice of the serenader was heard
+singing,--
+
+
+     'The silvery cloudlets now are weeping, love,
+       Sweet dewdrops on the flowers,
+     And mellow moonlight now is creeping, love,
+       Under the ivy bowers.
+     And thou hast heard the vesper hymn
+       That stirred the balmy air,
+     When, as the shadows grew more dim,
+       The pious met in prayer.
+
+     'Their sacred rosaries they were counting, love,
+       Unto their saints in heaven,
+     And telling them to what a mountain, love,
+       Their sins had grown this even.
+     While thus to saints on high they pour
+       Their prayers at evening bland,
+     I am contented to adore
+       An angel near at hand.'
+
+
+"'Oh, Rosabel!' I exclaimed, 'I always thought you were an angel, and
+now I know it, for both Love and Dove have testified to the fact. Out of
+the mouths of two witnesses has the truth been established. You are an
+angel, Rosabel, but please don't fly away.'
+
+"'Nonsense, Toney! Don't go crazy. Be quiet--hush! Listen!'
+
+"'That is Bliss,' said I; and we heard him singing,--
+
+
+     'My little, lovely, laughing maid!
+       So great a thief thou art,
+     I do declare, I am afraid
+       Thou'st stolen all my heart.
+
+     'Thou'st stolen the lily's purest white,
+       Thou'st stolen the rose's hue,
+     Thou'st stolen each flow'ret's beauties bright,
+       And stolen my poor heart too.
+
+     'Well, little rogue, come help yourself,
+       Your robberies repeat,
+     And take the rest of the poor elf
+       Who's sighing at your feet.'
+
+
+"'He accuses you of felony,' said I. 'Oh, Rosabel! why did you, after
+having perpetrated so many larcenies among the flower-beds, steal the
+poor little man's heart?'
+
+"'What would I want with his heart?' said Rosabel, pouting.
+
+"'He tells you to keep it, and makes an offer of himself. He offers you
+Bliss.'
+
+"'The impudent little scamp!' said the widow. 'Tell Juba and Jugurtha to
+come here.'
+
+"'Yes, ma'am,' said a colored girl, who stood grinning behind the
+widow's chair.
+
+"Two gigantic negro men soon made their appearance.
+
+"'Are the dogs in the kennel?' said the widow.
+
+"'Yes, ma'am,' said Juba.
+
+"'Oh, mother!' exclaimed Rosabel, 'you won't do that! It is a pity!'
+
+"'Indeed I will,' said the widow. 'Let them loose!'
+
+"'Yes, ma'am;' and Juba and Jugurtha grinned, and each uttered a low
+chuckle as they hurried from the room.
+
+"The voice of Dove was warbling another melody. It stopped suddenly, for
+the baying of hounds was heard on the opposite side of the house. I
+looked out the window, and in the moonlight could see Love and Bliss
+leaping over the paling fence. Dove was climbing an apple-tree, when a
+dog seized him behind and tore away his tail----"
+
+"What!" said the Professor.
+
+"The tail of his coat," said Toney. "Dove took refuge among the branches
+of the tree.
+
+"After awhile Juba entered the room showing his ivory and exhibiting a
+piece of broadcloth, which he held in his hand as a trophy.
+
+"'What is that?' asked the widow.
+
+"'Dunno, ma'am,--I tuk it from Trouncer.'
+
+"'Let me look,' said I. 'Why, it's Dove's tail!'
+
+"The widow shrieked with laughter, and Rosabel hid her face on the
+cushion of the sofa and shook as if she had an ague. I put my hand in
+the pocket and drew out a number of papers.
+
+"'What are those?' said the widow.
+
+"'Love-letters,' said I. 'Here, Rosabel, you can read them.'
+
+"'And those?' said the widow.
+
+"'Verses,' said I,--'songs and sonnets. Rosabel, you can copy them into
+your album.'
+
+"'And that?' said the widow.
+
+"'Why,' said I,'this puzzles me.'
+
+"'What does M. O. O. S. S. mean?' asked the widow.
+
+"'Oh, I know what that means,' said I.
+
+"'What?' said Rosabel.
+
+"'It signifies Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts.' And I gave Rosabel
+and her mother an account of the Sweethearts, which excited much
+merriment.
+
+"'But these letters, N. G. G. and M. W. D.,--what do they mean?' asked
+the widow.
+
+"'That I cannot tell,' said I.
+
+"'Do try to find out,' said Rosabel.
+
+"I promised to do so, and have ever since retained the paper in my
+possession for the purpose of deciphering it."
+
+"But what became of Dove?" asked the Professor.
+
+"I must tell you," said Toney. "When I retired I could not sleep. I
+thought about Rosabel, and then about Dove in the apple-tree, and then I
+would roar with laughter; and Rosabel and her mother must have heard me,
+for I could hear explosions of mirth in an adjoining apartment. Towards
+morning I got into a doze and was dreaming that I had a hundred thousand
+dollars, and had purchased a diamond ring for Rosabel, who had ordered
+her bridal attire, when I was awakened by hearing voices in the garden.
+I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. It was daylight, and under
+the apple-tree I beheld Juba walking to and fro with the steady pace of
+a Roman sentinel. Dove was perched on a bough over his head, and I could
+hear him in piteous tones begging the negro to tie up the dogs. For a
+long while his supplications made no impression on the obdurate African.
+Finally he drew a coin of glittering gold from the pocket of his vest,
+and the tempting bribe produced the desired effect. The dogs were tied
+up, and Dove dropped from the tree, and leaped over the fence and
+vanished."
+
+Just then the loud sound of a gong, announcing the arrival of the hour
+for dinner, was heard, and Toney and his friends arose from their seats
+and walked toward the hotel.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+
+In the afternoon, as the sun was descending towards the western horizon,
+and the balmy breezes were gently stirring the leaves of the silver
+maples which shaded the main avenue leading from the hotel, Toney, in
+company with Tom and the Professor, proceeded on a promenade. They had
+not gone far before they perceived Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings
+just in advance of them, walking slowly and apparently engaged in
+earnest conversation. They overheard Harry say, "I tell you my mind is
+made up. I am off for Mexico, and I want you to go with me."
+
+Clarence shook his head. His mind was not yet made up.
+
+"Did you hear that?" said Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Tom. "Harry is going to Mexico."
+
+"Do you mean the tall, handsome young man walking on the left?" said the
+Professor.
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"I thought he had military glory in his mind as soon as I saw him," said
+the Professor.
+
+"Why so?" asked Toney.
+
+"A close observer can sometimes tell what is in a man's mind by his
+walk," said the Professor. "From the erect manner in which the young man
+carried his head and the determined tread with which he brought down his
+foot, I was certain that he had resolved on a march for the Halls of the
+Montezumas."
+
+The Professor and his two friends had now halted under a tree and were
+engaged in conversation, when Claribel and Wiggins came by, and as they
+passed Harry and Clarence, Wiggins bowed, but the lovely Claribel never
+turned her head.
+
+"Did you observe that?" said Seddon.
+
+"I did," said Tony.
+
+"Military glory is getting into the mind of the other young gentleman, I
+think," said the Professor. "He seems to be half a head taller than he
+was a moment ago, and his foot comes down with a determination that
+indicates no benevolent intentions towards Santa Anna and his myrmidons.
+But, look! yonder comes our three pretty little men."
+
+Love now passed them, followed by Dove and Bliss, each escorting a very
+beautiful young lady. Love seemed to be supremely happy, and in terms of
+rapture was directing the attention of the smiling beauty to the
+magnificent sunset.
+
+
+     "Yon sun that sets upon the sea
+       We follow in his flight;
+     Farewell, awhile, to him and thee----
+
+
+Ugh! ugh! ugh!" exclaimed Love; and the lady loudly shrieked as he was
+lifted from his feet and rudely carried away from her side.
+
+A mischievous dog had assaulted an aged sow of monstrous proportions,
+which was quietly rooting in the street, and the affrighted porker
+frantically rushed between the legs of the beau and galloped off with
+him on her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror. He fell forward on
+the back of the sow and convulsively grasped her by the ears. The ladies
+fled screaming toward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified
+with astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full speed after
+Love, who was rapidly galloping away on the back of his courser. The
+dog, delighted with the sport, kept pinching the hams of the sow, and in
+the hope of escaping from her ruthless tormentor, she diverged from the
+main avenue and ran across a common to a pond of mud and water. Into the
+pond plunged the sow with the unfortunate beau on her back, scattering a
+flock of ducks, that with loud quacks fluttered up the banks, where
+stood the dog barking and bobbing his head in the full enjoyment of the
+fun.
+
+In a few moments groups of men and boys were assembled on the margin of
+the pond. Love sat on the back of the sow bespattered with mud, and
+still tenaciously holding on by her long, pendant ears. Suddenly a voice
+was heard, apparently issuing from the mouth of the porker, and
+exclaiming, "Let go my ears!"
+
+"Golly! did you hear that?" exclaimed Caesar, with his eyes dilating in
+amazement.
+
+"The hog's talking," said Hannibal.
+
+"That beats Balaam's ass!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Get off my back!" shrieked the sow, and Love, in the utmost terror,
+rolled off into the mud. The sow slowly waded towards the bank and gazed
+up at the dog with a look of indignation. Her canine persecutor was put
+to flight by a stone hurled from the hand of Hannibal, when she ascended
+the bank, and, shaking the mud from her sides, with a grunt trotted off,
+and was soon seen industriously digging with her nose in a sward of
+clover.
+
+"Jehosophat! that hog talked," said Hannibal.
+
+"Nonsense!" said Toney.
+
+"'Deed, Massa Belton, that old sow talked. I heerd her talkin' myself,"
+said Caesar.
+
+"The devil's in the swine," said Seddon.
+
+"I b'lieves that old sow's the debbil," said Hannibal.
+
+"Pshaw!" said Toney, "it was some boy you heard talking. Do you suppose
+that the hogs in this town have the gift of gab? Here, help Mr. Love out
+of the pond."
+
+The unfortunate beau sat helplessly in the midst of the mud and water,
+and was turning his eyes imploringly towards Dove and Bliss, who stood
+on the bank.
+
+"Wade in and help him out," said Toney to the negroes.
+
+Caesar and Hannibal both shook their heads.
+
+"Here, take this," said Toney, handing each a silver coin. "Now, wade
+in."
+
+Caesar and Hannibal commenced slowly rolling up the legs of their
+trousers until they had gathered them in bundles above their knees. They
+then with much deliberation waded to the middle of the pond, and each
+taking Love by an arm, lifted him up, and bringing him ashore, laid him
+down on the bank.
+
+"Get that wheelbarrow," said Toney, pointing to a vehicle of the sort
+which had been left on the common.
+
+Caesar brought the barrow, and Hannibal lifted Love up and deposited him
+in the bottom of the vehicle, and, followed by a procession of people,
+carried the luckless beau back to the hotel.
+
+"Take him to the bath-house," said the landlord.
+
+The negroes obeyed orders, and left Love in the care of Dove and Bliss.
+
+"That hog talked," said Caesar.
+
+"Sartingly!" said Hannibal. "Golly! who ever heerd a hog talk afore
+dat?"
+
+"Those African gentlemen are fully persuaded that the sow spoke," said
+Seddon to the Professor.
+
+"It may be so," said the Professor. "She was under the influence of
+Love, and that has been known to produce miraculous results."
+
+In the mean while, Wiggins and the lovely Claribel, in utter ignorance
+of the melancholy catastrophe just related, had continued their walk
+until they entered a delightful grove on the outskirts of the town. Here
+was a beautiful fountain and rustic bench, around which hung a canopy of
+clustering vines. Claribel was about to seat herself on the bench when a
+hideous head was thrust out from among the vines. The lady uttered a
+faint scream and swooned in terror. Wiggins was dreadfully startled, and
+drawing back a cane with a leaden bullet enveloped in gutta-percha on
+its end, dealt a blow on the head of the apparition which would have
+cracked the skull of an ox. The monster fell back dead in the bushes.
+Wiggins now turned his attention to his fair companion. She was
+unconscious. He lifted her up, and, with the lovely Claribel in his
+arms, seated himself on the rustic bench. Her head rested against his
+bosom, and Wiggins bent down until his mouth accidentally came in
+contact with her ruby lips. It was an accident, and Wiggins did not
+intend to commit a trespass, but he could not help it. Wiggins kissed
+Claribel on her delicious little mouth. Now, who ever kissed a lovely
+young lady once without wanting to kiss her again? Wiggins kissed her
+again, and then several times in rapid succession. Just then Harry
+Vincent and Clarence Hastings, unperceived by Wiggins, entered the
+grove. They stood still in astonishment. An expression of horror was
+depicted on the countenance of Clarence. For a moment he stood as if
+rooted to the earth. Then pulling Harry by the arm, he said, in a hoarse
+whisper, "Come!" The young men walked on in silence for about five
+minutes, when Clarence said, "Harry, I will go with you to the Mexican
+war."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+
+On the morning after the events related in the preceding chapter, the
+ladies at the hotel could talk of nothing but Love. Love seemed to
+occupy all their thoughts, and at breakfast many a pair of beautiful
+eyes were directed towards the door of the saloon each time it opened,
+in eager expectation of his appearance. But he did not appear, and many
+young damsels retired from the table sadly disappointed by his
+invisibility. At about ten o'clock in the morning a rumor became
+prevalent that Love was about to appear, and many a pretty face might be
+seen peeping from a half-opened door, evidently for the purpose of
+getting a glimpse of the Dainty Adorer when he came forth. Soon the
+heavy tramp of feet was heard in the corridor, as Scipio, Caesar, and
+Hannibal marched along carrying trunks with the names of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss in large letters on their lids. The Dainty Adorer now came form
+with the Noble Nonentity on his right and the Winsome Wooer on his left.
+The three little men had their arms locked, and were followed by Wiggins
+and M. T. Pate, who seemed to be exceedingly sad. As the melancholy
+procession descended the stairway, from numerous doors opening into the
+corridor issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper landing,
+where was soon assembled a galaxy of beauty gazing after Love, Dove, and
+Bliss, who were taking their departure. As the daintily-dressed little
+beaus went forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the
+stairway and assembled on the veranda, where they continued to gaze down
+the avenue until Hannibal, who led the advance, turned a corner, and
+then, in a moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view.
+One might have imagined that the departure of Bliss would have produced
+a feeling of melancholy among the beauties who had been deserted; but
+such was not the case. Peals of laughter were heard, and, regardless of
+the flight of Dove and the departure of Bliss, the young ladies talked
+merrily of Love during the entire day.
+
+Toney, Tom, and the Professor were at the railway and witnessed the
+departure of Love, Dove, and Bliss with manifest regret. They turned
+away and walked for some moments in profound silence, when Seddon
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Yonder comes Captain Bragg!"
+
+The cosmopolite approached them at a hurried pace, and apparently in
+much excitement. He was introduced to the Professor, and then Toney
+inquired about the condition of his health.
+
+"I am physically well, Mr. Belton," said Bragg, "but am mentally
+afflicted."
+
+"Indeed!" said Toney. "I trust that there has been no serious cause for
+this disturbance of your usual equanimity."
+
+"I have met with a great, I fear an irreparable, loss," said Bragg.
+
+"A ship foundered at sea without any insurance on her?" inquired the
+Professor.
+
+"My monkey," said Bragg.
+
+"Alas!" exclaimed Tom Seddon in pathetic tones, "is the monkey no more?"
+
+"Is he dead?" said Toney, apparently in great anxiety to learn its fate.
+
+"I know not," said Bragg. "He is missing. I have searched for him in
+vain."
+
+"He may have run away and escaped over Mason and Dixon's line," said the
+Professor. "Could you not reclaim him under the fugitive slave law?"
+
+"That monkey would never have run away, Mr. Tickle. I have fed him and
+protected him, and he could never have been guilty of such gross folly
+and base ingratitude."
+
+"A negro, who is clothed and fed and protected, will occasionally run
+off from a comfortable home, and why not a monkey?" said Seddon.
+
+"A negro may run away from the mush-pot of his master because he is a
+slave, and is impelled by a natural and laudable desire for liberty. But
+my monkey was not a slave, Mr. Seddon. He was a friend and a companion.
+Monkeys and apes, Mr. Tickle, have emotions and sentiments. All they
+lack is the power of speech to give expression to their thoughts and
+feelings."
+
+"They sometimes, though rarely, have that faculty," said the Professor.
+"On one occasion I heard a venerable baboon express himself in emphatic
+and excellent English."
+
+"Indeed!" said Bragg.
+
+"It was in Kentucky," said the Professor, "There was a traveling
+menagerie exhibiting in a small village. A number of negroes were
+examining the baboon with much curiosity, and one of them insisted that
+he could talk but would not, because if he did the white people would
+put him to work, and he was too lazy to work. I was present and heard
+the baboon indignantly exclaim, 'You lie, you ugly, nasty nigger! I am
+not as lazy as you are! Begone! or I'll bite your nose off!' The
+Africans tore a hole in the tent in their efforts to get out."
+
+Here there was heard an uproar in the street and a crowd of boys was
+seen approaching. One of them was carrying an animal, which he grasped
+by the tail and held with its head hanging down.
+
+"What is that?" asked Seddon.
+
+"A dead monkey," said the boy. "We found him in the grove by the
+fountain lying on his back in the bushes."
+
+Bragg rushed forward and the boy dropped the monkey, which lay on the
+ground with its hideous face turned upward.
+
+"My monkey! my monkey!" exclaimed Bragg. He stooped down and examined
+the dead body. Its skull had been cracked by a terrible blow which must
+have produced instant death. "This monkey has been foully murdered! Oh,
+that I knew the villain who perpetrated the bloody deed! Who killed my
+monkey? I say who killed my monkey?" said Bragg.
+
+"Botts!" said a voice apparently issuing from the mouth of the monkey.
+Bragg started back with a look of amazement. The crowd of boys opened
+and they fell back in awe and terror.
+
+"Bill," said a boy to his companion, "that monkey spoke."
+
+"True as preaching!" said Bill. "I heard it."
+
+Bragg stood speechless for some minutes. Then, in solemn tones, he
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Gentlemen, did you not hear that?"
+
+"What?" said Toney, who with Tom stood at a distance of some paces. "I
+heard nothing."
+
+"Did you not hear a voice issuing from the mouth of the corpse and
+proclaiming the name of the murderer?" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+"Impossible!" said Seddon.
+
+"By no means impossible," said the Professor. "Shakspeare, who is good
+authority on all such subjects, tells us that
+
+
+     Stones have been known to move and trees to speak;
+     Auguries and understood relations have,
+     By magot-pies and choughs and rooks, brought forth
+     The secret'st man of blood."
+
+
+"True, Mr. Tickle," said Bragg. "And as sure as yonder sun is shining in
+the heavens I heard a voice issuing from that monkey's mouth and
+proclaiming Botts to be the murderer!"
+
+"Botts could prove an alibi," said Toney. "He has gone back to
+Mapleton."
+
+"The conscience-stricken villain!" exclaimed Bragg. "He has imbrued his
+hands in innocent blood and then fled. I will follow him to the ends of
+the earth!" And Bragg started off as if in pursuit of the murderer.
+
+"Captain!" shouted Seddon, "What will you do with the corpse?"
+
+"Bury it," said Bragg, coming back,--"and then I will seek out that
+villain Botts."
+
+Accompanied by the boys, Bragg proceeded to bury his monkey.
+
+"That man is insane," said the Professor.
+
+"All excitable people are insane at times," said Toney.
+
+"Bragg has monkey-mania," said Tom.
+
+"And pseudomania," said Toney.
+
+"His lies are harmless," said Seddon.
+
+"And amusing," said Toney. "Bragg can beat Baron Munchausen."
+
+"That was an amusing story he told about his residence in Africa among
+those long-tailed gentlemen," said Seddon.
+
+"What was that?" asked the Professor.
+
+Here Tom gave an account of Bragg's residence in Africa as related by
+himself.
+
+"The man is demented," said the Professor. "But do you think he will go
+after Botts?"
+
+"As sure as his name is Bragg," said Toney. "Yonder he comes now."
+
+Bragg was seen walking towards them rapidly, carrying a carpet-bag.
+
+"Good-by, gentlemen!" said he, hurrying along.
+
+"Are you going, captain?" said Toney. "When will you return?"
+
+"As soon as I have settled with that villain Botts. Good-by!"
+
+Bragg hurried to the railway. A train of cars was just ready to start.
+"All aboard!" shouted the conductor, and the train moved off. Bragg
+seated himself with an ominous frown on his brow, for he was thinking of
+Botts. Immediately in front of him sat a man who had a large bundle by
+his side. The cars soon stopped at another station. The man got up and
+went out, leaving his bundle behind.
+
+"Here, my man, you have left your bundle!" exclaimed Bragg.
+
+The man made no answer, but had disappeared. The whistle sounded and the
+train was moving off, Bragg jumped up and threw the bundle out the
+window. It was picked up by a ragged loafer, who ran off with it. Just
+then the man re-entered the car.
+
+"Where is my bundle?" exclaimed he.
+
+"That man threw it out the window," said a passenger, pointing to Bragg.
+
+"What!" exclaimed the man, and he looked out the window and saw the
+loafer running of with his bundle. "You infernal thief!--threw my bundle
+out the window for one of your gang to carry off!"
+
+Bragg protested his innocence and endeavored to explain.
+
+"Oh, that's a pretty story!" said the man. "You are a sharp rogue! If
+you don't pay me for my bundle I will have you arrested at the next
+station and carried back to jail."
+
+"How much was your bundle worth?" asked Bragg.
+
+"Twenty dollars," said the man.
+
+"Here's the money," said Bragg.
+
+The man took the twenty dollars and resumed his seat. The train now
+stopped at another station and two constables rushed on board. They
+looked around with keen and searching glances.
+
+"Jim," said one of them to the other, "that's the man. Arrest him!"
+
+"I arrest you in the name of the law," said Jim, laying his hand on
+Bragg's shoulder.
+
+"Arrest me!" exclaimed the astonished captain. "For what?"
+
+"Burglary!" said the constable.
+
+"By the powers of mud, stand back!" shouted the indignant Bragg.
+
+"Come along, my lad!" said the constable. And Bragg, struggling with the
+officers and uttering volleys of oaths, was dragged from the car and had
+handcuffs put on his wrists.
+
+"I knew that fellow was a thief," said the man who had lost his bundle.
+
+A daring burglary had been committed in the neighborhood of Bella Vista.
+At about twelve o'clock on the preceding night the store-room which
+adjoined the dwelling-house of a country merchant had been broken open.
+The merchant was aroused and entered the store-room, but was knocked
+down and gagged by the burglars, and his goods carried off before his
+eyes. He had described the leader of the gang as a tall, raw-boned man,
+with a Roman nose. The appearance of Captain Bragg corresponded to the
+description, and hence he was arrested by the vigilant constables.
+
+Great was the astonishment of Toney and his two friends when the train
+stopped, and they beheld Bragg led from the cars by the officers, with
+handcuffs on his wrists.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Toney, "Bragg has encountered Botts and murdered
+him, and has been arrested for the crime."
+
+"That is just what has happened!" exclaimed Seddon, with a look of
+horror.
+
+"It is shocking to think of!" said Toney.
+
+"Murder a man on account of a monkey!" said Seddon.
+
+The constables kept off the crowd, and would allow no one to speak to
+the prisoner.
+
+"Mr. Belton!" exclaimed Bragg, "I want you to be my attorney."
+
+"Very good," said Jim, "you can talk to your lawyer."
+
+Toney was permitted to converse with Bragg, who explained to him the
+nature of the charge which had caused his arrest.
+
+"Thank Heaven!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Thank Heaven for what?" asked Bragg, in astonishment.
+
+"That it is no worse," said Toney.
+
+"What could be worse? Arrested as a burglar!" said Bragg.
+
+"Where were you at twelve o'clock last night?" inquired Toney.
+
+"At my boarding-house," said Bragg.
+
+"Can you prove that?" said Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Bragg.
+
+"By whom?" inquired Toney.
+
+"By my landlady and a dozen of her boarders. I was playing cards, and
+won a hundred dollars," said Bragg.
+
+"Tom Seddon," shouted Toney, "run to Captain Bragg's boarding-house, and
+tell the landlady and her boarders to come immediately to the
+magistrate's office."
+
+Captain Bragg was brought into the office.
+
+"Take off the handcuffs," said the justice. "A party accused should be
+unmanacled when he has a hearing."
+
+Jim took off the handcuffs, and then stationed himself at the door with
+his hand on his revolver, ready to shoot down the desperate burglar if
+he should attempt to escape.
+
+"Now, Mr. Belton," said the justice, "we will proceed with the
+examination."
+
+The landlady swore that Captain Bragg was in her house at twelve
+o'clock on the preceding night. Her testimony was fully corroborated by
+that of a dozen of her boarders. An alibi had already been clearly
+established by the evidence, when the merchant who had been robbed
+walked into the room. He approached Bragg and scrutinized his
+countenance.
+
+"This is not the man," said he. "The robber was a much handsomer man
+than the ugly old fellow you have got here."
+
+In consequence of this testimony Captain Bragg was discharged from
+custody; but he was so mortified and humiliated at having been
+handcuffed and charged with burglary that he immediately took his
+departure from Bella Vista; telling Toney that he intended to leave the
+United States, and seek an asylum among the islands of the Pacific
+Ocean.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+
+"It is too bad! it is too bad!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, rushing into the
+room which Toney and the Professor were quietly fumigating with a couple
+of havanas. "It is terrible to think of!"
+
+"What's the matter, Tom?" said Toney. "Has old Crabstick been afflicted
+with another fit of canine rabies, and bit you on the calf of the leg?"
+
+"Harry Vincent and Clarence Hastings have gone to Mexico!" said Tom.
+
+"Well, what of that?" said Toney. "Thousands of young men have gone
+thither, and many have won distinction; and from my knowledge of Harry
+and Clarence, I am certain that both of them will soon gather luxuriant
+crops of laurel on the field of battle."
+
+"But Claribel Carrington is dying," said Seddon.
+
+"What?" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Dying?" said the Professor.
+
+"I fear it is so," said Tom. "I was at Colonel Hazlewood's house this
+morning when the newspaper was brought in. Claribel took it in her hand
+and was glancing over it when she suddenly let it drop; sat speechless
+for a moment; put her hand to her brow, and then, with a faint cry, sank
+senseless on the floor. She had seen the paragraph announcing the
+departure of Clarence and Harry. We lifted her up and her lips were
+discolored with blood. I fear that the sudden shock produced the rupture
+of a blood-vessel. She was carried to her room, and two doctors are in
+attendance."
+
+"But what of Imogen?" asked Toney.
+
+"She hastily snatched up the paper and glanced at the paragraph, and
+then it fell from her hand. She never uttered a word. I do not know
+whether that stately beauty is possessed of feeling," said Seddon.
+
+"As much perhaps as the other," said the Professor. "Some women are like
+the Laconian boy, with the fox eating away his life. With them agony has
+no outward expression. They suffer and are silent."
+
+"Women are enigmas," said Toney.
+
+"They are like pigs," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"If you want them to go to Cork you must make them suppose you desire
+them to go to Kilkenny."
+
+"I believe you are right," said Toney. "Now, here are Claribel and
+Imogen who have been bestowing their smiles on everybody but Clarence
+and Harry. For those two gentlemen, who are handsome, educated, and
+accomplished, neither of these young ladies has had a kindly look or
+friendly word for a whole week. One who was unacquainted with the secret
+workings of a woman's heart would have supposed that Claribel was deeply
+in love with Rosebud's purple proboscis."
+
+"Who is Rosebud?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Wiggins," said Toney.
+
+"The fellow with the long rubicund nasal protuberance?" asked the
+Professor. "He who is supposed to be the Most Worthy Donkey of the
+Mystic Brotherhood?"
+
+"The same," said Toney. "And Imogen appeared to be equally infatuated
+with the Long Green Boy."
+
+"Who is he?" inquired the Professor.
+
+"Sam Perch," said Toney.
+
+"Oh, you mean the Great Green Gosling," said the Professor. "The
+interesting young gentleman who was so unsuccessful in his elaborate
+attempt at suicide."
+
+"That's the youth," said Toney. "And now, when Clarence and Harry,
+worried and maddened by the caprice of these two young ladies, have gone
+off to Mexico, you see what has happened."
+
+"It was all the doings of your Seven Sweethearts, as you call them,"
+exclaimed Tom Seddon. "They must be made to leave the town."
+
+"They have all gone but two," said Toney. "The exodus of Love, Dove, and
+Bliss leaves Pate and Wiggins alone to conduct the operations of
+lady-killing and making havoc among hearts."
+
+"And Wiggins has killed Claribel, if I am not mistaken," said Seddon.
+"They must be made to leave," said he, with emphasis. "Pate has been
+bobbing his big bald head about in the mansion of old Crabstick, and has
+been gallanting Ida all around. He has magnetized her eccentric
+guardian, who is under the impression that Pate is wealthy, and
+cordially welcomes him to his house; while he will hardly allow me to
+exchange a word with Ida, and sometimes when I am in the parlor he will
+have one of his fits of hypochondria, or whatever you may call it, and
+will come bounding in on all fours, barking and pretending to bite. It
+is all put on; for the old Cerberus is polite enough in the presence of
+M. T. Pate."
+
+"Well, Tom, how do you propose to effect the expulsion of the Noble
+Grand Gander and the Most Worthy Donkey?" asked Toney.
+
+"They met me on the street about an hour ago," said Seddon, "and
+proposed that we three should accompany them on a serenade, intended for
+the entertainment of Ida."
+
+"How far does Crabstick live from the town?" inquired Toney.
+
+"About two miles," said Tom.
+
+"Let us go," said Toney.
+
+"I will arrange with some young men in Bella Vista, who will eagerly
+participate in the performance. We will have fun," said Seddon.
+
+"There is nothing like fun," said the Professor. "I am about to
+originate a sect to be called the Funny Philosophers. Let's organize it
+at once. We three,--Toney, Tom, and Tickle."
+
+"Agreed," said Toney.
+
+"And now we will commence operations by going on the proposed serenade,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"And Pate and Wiggins shall leave this town!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+
+There was no moon, but the stars were brightly twinkling, when Toney,
+Tom, and the Professor started, in company with Wiggins and M. T. Pate,
+on a pedestrian excursion to the mansion of Samuel Crabstick, situated
+at a distance of about two miles from the town of Bella Vista. They had
+proceeded some distance when they came to a rustic stile which had been
+erected over a fence on the side of the main road, and from which a path
+led through a field into a forest. Toney seated himself on the stile and
+proposed that they should diverge from the main road and follow the path
+across the field; saying that it was the most direct route to their
+place of destination.
+
+"I would prefer the main road," said Pate. "It is more circuitous; but
+there is no moon, and it will be very dark in yonder forest. We will
+have difficulty in finding our way through it."
+
+"Not at all," said Toney, "I know every foot of the path, which runs in
+a straight line to the place we are going."
+
+"Then, let us take the path," said the Professor. "When beauty is the
+attraction I always want to make a bee-line for her abode."
+
+"That is in accordance with natural laws," said Toney. "Who ever saw
+pyrites of iron taking a circuitous route to the magnet? Ida is the
+magnet. Is it not so, Tom?"
+
+Tom nodded assent.
+
+"And we are the pyrites," said the Professor. "Let us go straight to the
+attraction, and not be acting contrary to the laws of nature."
+
+Pate was overcome by these arguments, and, ascending the stile, was
+about to pursue that path, when Toney called out,--
+
+"Don't be in a hurry, Mr. Pate. We have plenty of time."
+
+"In fact, it is too early yet for a serenade," said the Professor. "We
+should wait until the young lady has put on her nightcap. If we wake her
+out of her first nap, when she has been wandering in the fairy-land of
+dreams, her impression will be that angels are singing around her
+window."
+
+"That is so," said Toney. "Let us wait. I have a proposition to make."
+
+"What is that?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Here we are going on a serenade," said Toney. "Now, I move that each
+man furnish evidence of his musical accomplishments by singing a song.
+Let Mr. Pate lead off."
+
+"A song from Mr. Pate!" cried the Professor.
+
+"A song from Mr. Pate!" shouted Seddon.
+
+"Mr. Pate will now sing," said Toney.
+
+Thus urged, Pate seated himself, and in loud if not mellifluous tones
+sang as follows:
+
+
+     The summer day's faded and starlight is streaming
+       In beautiful showers from heaven above;
+     And welcome sweet midnight! for then in its dreaming
+       My spirit is wafted away to my love.
+
+     Let others rejoicing, then welcome Aurora,
+       As fann'd by zephyrs she blushes so bright;
+     But midnight! sweet midnight! I'll ever adore her,
+       And mourn when the morning returns with its light.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate," said the Professor, "if you wake the young lady up by
+warbling that melody under her window, she will think that you are an
+angel of magnificent proportions and tremendous vocal powers. Now, Mr.
+Wiggins, it is your turn."
+
+Wiggins cleared his throat and sang the following ditty:
+
+
+       Oh, maiden fair,
+       With raven hair,
+     And lips so sweetly pouting,
+       I do avow,
+       That until now,
+     I've in my mind been doubting
+       If 'twere not sin
+       To rank you in
+     The race of us poor mortals;
+       Thinking you might,
+       By some fair sprite,
+     Escaped from heaven's own portals.
+
+       But as I now
+       Gaze on that brow
+     So fondly and so madly,
+       I am afraid,
+       My lovely maid,
+     My fancy's lowered sadly;
+       For while 'mid bliss
+       So sweet as this
+     My soul's to rapture given,
+       Alas! my mind
+       Is more inclined
+     To earth than 'tis to heaven.
+
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Wiggins, you must not warble that song under the young
+lady's window," said the Professor.
+
+"I do not intend to do so," said Wiggins.
+
+"I am glad of that," said the Professor, "for if you did she would
+imagine that you were some fallen angel on a midnight peregrination. And
+now, Toney, let us hear from you."
+
+Toney sang:
+
+
+     Come to the green grove! where wild vines are clinging
+     Around the tall elms, whose broad boughs are flinging
+     Their shade o'er the roof of the cottage so near
+     To the banks of the streamlet meandering clear.
+
+     There we'll recline 'neath the shade of the willow,
+     Where roses and lilies have wreathed a sweet pillow,
+     And the goldfinch concealed in the green boughs above
+     Is warbling all day to his beautiful love.
+
+     There we will watch the blithe humming-bird roving,
+     And purple-winged butterflies fairy-like moving
+     Among the blue violets that bloom at our feet,
+     And throw all around us their fragrance so sweet.
+
+     There thou shalt sing, love, and then as I hear thee,
+     Drink in thy soft tones, and know that I'm near thee,
+     I'll fancy 'tis Eden around me I see,
+     And thou art an angel to share it with me.
+
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "when the young lady hears that she will
+suppose that the spirit of a troubadour is warbling under her window.
+And now, Mr. Seddon."
+
+Tom sang:
+
+
+     The green wood is ringing with mocking-birds' notes,
+     And melody springing from turtle-doves' throats,
+     And wild flowers growing so beautiful there,
+     Their fragrance are throwing all over the air.
+
+     But see! in yon bower, that wild vines inclose,
+     A lovelier flower than lily or rose;
+     Your beauties have vanished, ye lilies so fair,
+     To her cheeks are banished; go seek for them there!
+
+     Your sweetness, ye roses, which butterflies sip,
+     Hath gone--it reposes upon her soft lip;
+     Thy music, sweet dove, now no more thou'lt prolong!
+     Oh, list to my love now! she's stolen thy song.
+
+
+"Mr. Seddon, the young lady will be persuaded that you are a twin
+brother to the troubadour," said the Professor.
+
+"And now, Charley," said Toney, "we are waiting to hear you warble."
+
+The Professor sang:
+
+
+     Come hasten with me, love,
+       Come hasten away!
+     Come haste to yon lea, love,
+       Where flow'rets so gay
+
+     Their beauties have blended,
+       As richly as though
+     'Twere fragments all splendid
+       Of yonder bright bow,
+
+     By fairy hands riven
+       In moments of mirth,
+     And flung from yon heaven
+       T' embellish the earth.
+
+     Come haste to yon lea, love,
+       Come hasten with me!
+     And then thou shalt see, love,
+       Naught fairer than thee.
+
+
+"How do you expect her to see in the dark?" said Toney.
+
+"Oh, she must have patience and wait until morning," said the Professor.
+
+The serenaders now arose from their seats, and, proceeding across the
+field, soon entered the forest, which was traversed in various
+directions by paths made by the cattle that were accustomed to browse on
+the bushes. The path pursued by the party soon led them to a spot where
+the foliage was dense, and, entirely excluding the starlight, enveloped
+them in gloomy darkness. Tom Seddon now exclaimed,----
+
+"Toney, why did you select this road? Let us go back. This is the very
+spot where a man was found, not long ago, with his throat cut, and three
+bullet-holes through his head."
+
+"Horrible!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"Let us go back!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Numerous robberies and murders have been committed in this forest,"
+said Tom. "In fact, it is infested by a gang of desperadoes. If we go
+on, none of us may ever return to Bella Vista alive."
+
+"Oh! oh!" groaned Pate.
+
+"Let us go back!" exclaimed Wiggins,--"I will not--ugh!"
+
+There was a sudden flash from the bushes, followed by a loud report, and
+poor Tom dropped dead at the feet of M. T. Pate. Before a word could be
+uttered, another shot was fired, and Toney staggered against a tree and
+then fell to the ground with a groan.
+
+"Run!--run!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"Run!--run!--run!" cried Wiggins.
+
+"Run!--run!--run!--run!" said the Professor, when there was another
+report, and he exclaimed, falling to the earth, "Oh!--oh!--oh!--I am
+shot!--help!--help!--murder! murder!"
+
+Pate and Wiggins fled through the forest with the murderers shouting and
+firing in their rear. As it happened, they soon became separated, and
+each got into a path which led him away from the other. After running
+with unexampled speed for some time, Pate suddenly found himself on the
+back of some huge horned monster, which rose from the earth with a loud
+roar and galloped off with him. How far he rode on the back of his
+terrible courser he never could tell; but at last the creature leaped
+over the trunk of a fallen tree, and Pate rolled off and sank to the
+earth in a comatose condition, induced by extreme terror.
+
+When he became conscious, he got up and wandered for hours, through the
+forest, lost and bewildered, and in the utmost dread of falling into the
+hands of the desperadoes, who had slain poor Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor. At length the day broke; and as he wandered on he espied some
+one coming towards him who had a most hideous appearance. Pate was about
+to turn and fly, when the man called to him, and he recognized the voice
+of William Wiggins.
+
+Wiggins had fled in headlong haste until he had emerged from the forest,
+and entered an inclosure surrounding a farm-house. Here he was so
+unfortunate as to overturn a bee-hive and was so badly stung by the
+infuriated insects that he rushed blindly around, and got among the
+poultry. Hearing the commotion among his fowls, the farmer came out with
+a club, and vigorously belabored the supposed thief, until the latter
+escaped, and fled back to the forest, with his face shockingly swollen
+by the stings of the bees, and his body terribly bruised by the blows
+from the farmer's cudgel.
+
+When Wiggins had told his doleful story, Pate proceeded to relate how he
+had been carried off on the back of some horned monster, which had
+suddenly risen out of the earth, and must have been the devil. It now
+being broad daylight, they succeeded in finding the way to the town,
+where they told a tale of horror to the landlord at the hotel. But while
+they were describing the bloody murder in the forest, the landlord, with
+a smile, pointed out Toney, Tom, and the Professor standing on the
+opposite side of the street, in the midst of a group of young men, who
+were laughing immoderately at something which was being told. Pate and
+Wiggins were now informed that they had been made the victims of a
+singular custom, which was peculiar to that locality, and was termed,
+"running a greenhorn." Apprehensive of the ridicule which would be
+heaped upon them, they immediately took their departure from the
+beautiful town of Bella Vista.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+
+"The Funny Philosophers have caused the exodus of the Seven
+Sweethearts," said the Professor, as the three friends sat in Toney's
+room in the hotel the morning subsequent to the departure of Pate and
+Wiggins.
+
+"Our sect must flourish," said Toney.
+
+"And Pate's big bald head will not be seen bobbing about in Bella
+Vista," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you should not speak irreverently of bald heads," said the
+Professor. "Remember the forty irreverent young lads and the she-bears,
+and learn that bald-headed people are under the especial protection of
+Providence. I am partially bald myself, and am under the impression that
+this calamity came upon me in consequence of my having once deprived an
+unfortunate individual of his hair."
+
+"Did what?" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"On one occasion I helped to scalp a man," said the Professor, gravely
+and mournfully.
+
+"Helped to scalp a man!" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"I am sorry to say that I did, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor.
+
+"How was it?" asked Toney.
+
+"It is a strange story," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us have it," said Seddon.
+
+"Some years ago," said the Professor, "I was on a steamboat going down
+one of the large rivers in the South-west. The boat stopped at a landing
+and a big fellow came on board. He was a rough, unpolished individual,
+with long hair reaching down to his shoulders. He appeared to be in a
+bad humor with himself and with all mankind; being one of those peculiar
+specimens of humanity who believe that the whole duty of man is to
+fight. As soon as he came on board it was apparent to the passengers
+that he was a bully in quest of a quarrel. But everybody avoided him,
+and for a long while he was unsuccessful in finding what he was seeking
+for. Finally, however, his perseverance was amply rewarded. The bell
+rang for dinner, and there was a rush for the saloon. The bully seated
+himself at the head of the table. At intervals, among the dishes, were a
+number of apple-pies. 'Waiter,' exclaimed the bully, 'bring me that
+pie.' It was placed before him. 'And that one,' said he. The waiter
+obeyed, and the bully reiterated his order until he had every apple-pie
+on the table directly under his nose."
+
+"The glutton!" said Toney.
+
+"Did he eat all the pies?" asked Tom.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, he did not," said the Professor. "Having collected all
+the pies before him, he sternly glanced at the two rows of indignant
+faces along the table. He saw anger in every eye; a frown upon every
+brow; but not a word had been spoken. There was a dead silence, when the
+bully brought down his fist on the table with tremendous force, and
+fiercely shouted, 'I say that any man who don't like good apple-pie is a
+d--d rascal!' This was more than human nature could endure. In an
+instant every man was on his feet. The table was overturned, and hams,
+and turkeys, and roast-pigs rolled on the floor. There was a general
+fight. Pistols exploded, bowie-knives were brandished, and fists
+flourished!"
+
+"All endeavoring to get at the daring monopolizer of the apple-pies, I
+suppose?" said Tom.
+
+"By no means, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor. "There was promiscuous
+fighting. Many who had no opportunity of dealing a blow at the bully,
+fought and pommeled one another. I retreated to a corner."
+
+"But what became of the bully?" asked Toney.
+
+"I was about to tell you. As I stood on the defensive, warding off the
+blows which were occasionally aimed at me, I saw a huge head coming
+towards me like a battering-ram, the body to which it belonged being
+propelled by kicks in the rear. The head was about to come in contact
+with this portion of my anatomy--what do you call it?" said the
+Professor, placing his hand on the part designated.
+
+"The bread-basket," said Toney.
+
+"No, that is not it," said the Professor.
+
+"The abdomen," said Tom.
+
+"That's the scientific term," said the Professor. "In order to protect
+my abdomen from injury, I involuntarily reached out and convulsively
+grasped the head by its long hair. As I did so, a bowie-knife descended
+and shaved off the scalp, leaving it, with its long locks, in my grasp."
+
+"What did you do with your trophy?" asked Toney.
+
+"I rushed from the saloon, yelling like an Indian, with the scalp in my
+hand. It belonged to the bully. He soon came upon deck howling for his
+hair."
+
+"Did you restore it to the owner?" asked Tom.
+
+"No," said the Professor. "To the victor belong the spoils. I escaped
+into the cook's galley, and carefully wrapped the scalp in some loose
+sheets of the Terrific Register, and put it in my pocket, and afterwards
+transferred it to my trunk. It is now in the possession of the learned
+Professor Boneskull, who has been informed by his oracle that it was one
+of the trophies found by the Kentuckians in the possession of the
+celebrated Tecumseh when he was slain in battle."
+
+"But the bully?" said Toney. "I am interested in his fate."
+
+"He was like Samson. The loss of his hair seemed to deprive him of
+strength and courage. His belligerency departed from him. He became
+quiet and orderly, and during the rest of the passage never meddled with
+the apple-pies, but behaved with perfect decorum. He was soon afterwards
+seen on the anxious bench at a camp-meeting, and he is now a bald-headed
+Methodist preacher, remarkable for his piety and mild and dovelike
+disposition."
+
+"The loss of his locks seems to have been of essential service to him,"
+said Seddon.
+
+"I wish, however, that I had given him back his hair," said the
+Professor. "I suffered severely in consequence of depriving him of it."
+
+"In what way?" inquired Tom.
+
+"It was retribution, I suppose," said the Professor. "As soon as I had
+pocketed the fellow's hair I began to lose my own. It fell out by
+handfuls, and in a few months I had a bald patch on the top of my head
+of ample area. It made me melancholy and poetical."
+
+"I must confess that I cannot perceive any necessary connection between
+a bald head and poetry," said Toney.
+
+"Why, Toney, my dear fellow," said the Professor, "you must know that
+when a man gets a bald pate he naturally begins to think of domestic
+bliss and connubial felicity, which are poetical subjects. If he
+meditates long on these subjects, versification will be the inevitable
+result. It was so in my case. As I titillated the top of my bald head
+with my forefinger, I plainly perceived that the time had come for me to
+marry. So, like a bird on Saint Valentine's day, I began to look around
+for a mate."
+
+"You were like Dobbs, seeking for an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs," said Tom.
+
+"No, Mr. Seddon, I was seeking for a dovelike little woman, and I
+thought I had found one. In my imagination Dora was like a gentle white
+dove. I cooed around her, and courted for weeks, and wrote some verses
+in her album. I remember them well."
+
+"I would like to hear them," said Toney.
+
+"They can be produced from the archives of my memory," said the
+Professor; and he recited the following verses:
+
+
+     When morn had sown her orient gems among the golden flowers
+     That blushed upon their purple stalks in fairy-haunted bowers,
+     Among the glowing throng around, a tender bud I spied,
+     That meekly held its humble place the verdant walk beside.
+
+     No gaudy beauties decked its crest with variegated dyes,
+     Like blinding splendors blazing o'er the summer's evening skies;
+     With simple moss encircled round, it hung its head to earth,
+     And yet in Flora's language it denotes superior worth.
+
+     And--what from poet's eye is hid, by others though unseen?--
+     It was the favorite palace of the lovely Fairy Queen;
+     Adown its tender petals oft her tiny chariot rolled,
+     And she within its fragrant folds her Elfin court did hold.
+
+     'Twas then I thought of one who blooms 'mid beauty's living flowers,
+     Like this sweet bud among its mates within the garden's bowers,
+     With unassuming, modest grace--her charms she never knew--
+     Superior worth her brightest charm. And, lady, is it you?
+
+
+"I read these verses to Dora, and then I asked her the question
+propounded in the last line."
+
+"What did she say?" inquired Tom.
+
+"She said no!"
+
+"Perhaps she was offended by the comparison to so humble a flower," said
+Seddon.
+
+"It may have been so," said the Professor. "I then asked her a question
+in relation to the annexation of our destinies."
+
+"What did she say?" asked Toney.
+
+"She said no! I then asked her again in more unequivocal terms. I told
+her that I was seeking for domestic bliss and connubial felicity, and
+earnestly inquired if she would not assist me in the search."
+
+"What was her reply?" asked Tom.
+
+"She said no! And this time the dovelike Dora laughed in my face."
+
+"After having answered no three times?" said Tom.
+
+"Three negatives do not make an affirmative, Mr. Seddon, especially when
+the final negation to your very serious and sentimental proposal is
+accompanied by laughter. I was mortified and angry, and so I hurried
+home----"
+
+"To do like Perch--procure a pint of laudanum?" inquired Toney.
+
+"Not at all," said the Professor. "Upon arriving at my homestead I ate a
+very hearty dinner; for I was hungry and had a wolfish appetite; after
+which I immediately went into the arms of Morpheus. I did not wake until
+next morning, when, as I stood before a mirror making my toilet, I
+perceived that the bald patch on my head was considerably enlarged. A
+fit of melancholy and poetry came upon me, and resulted in the
+production of some verses, which, with your permission, I will repeat."
+
+"Do so," said Toney.
+
+"By all means!" said Seddon.
+
+"It is a simple little ballad," said the Professor, "in which I
+endeavored to mingle as much pathos as did Goldsmith in his Hermit. Its
+recitation has often drawn tears from very obdurate individuals, and,
+gentlemen, I now notify you to produce your pocket-handkerchiefs."
+
+The Professor then recited the following stanzas:
+
+
+     The gentle spring is breathing
+       Its fragrance all around,
+     Rich with the scent of flow'rets
+       That blossom o'er the ground;
+     As if the glorious rainbow,
+       When thunders rolled on high,
+     Had parted into fragments
+       And fallen from the sky,
+
+     And scattered o'er the meadows,
+       And through the orchards green,
+     Its variegated colors
+       To beautify the scene;
+     The while, on golden winglets,
+       The humming-bird so gay,
+     Moves with a fairy motion,
+       And rifles sweets away:
+
+     So rich his purple plumage,
+       So beautiful his crest,
+     'Tis to the eye of fancy
+       As if some amethyst,
+     Carved into a bright jewel
+       All gloriously to deck,
+     With its surpassing splendors,
+       Some lovely lady's neck,
+
+     Hath felt the life-blood flowing
+       From a mysterious spring,
+     And fled a gaudy truant
+       Upon a golden wing,
+     Filled with a fairy spirit
+       To sport upon the air,
+     With never-tiring pinions
+       Among the flow'rets fair.
+
+     Adown the sloping mountain,
+       Where wave the ceders green,
+     And ever-verdant laurel
+       In blooming clusters seen,
+     Leaps the wild, flashing streamlet
+       With a loud shout of mirth,
+     As though some mine of silver,
+       Deep buried in the earth,
+
+     By hidden fires were melted
+       Within its gloomy caves,
+     And from its dark cell bursting,
+       With its translucent waves,
+     Now sparkles in the sunbeam,
+       Now hid by ivy's shade,
+     Till o'er a steep ledge pouring,
+       It forms a wild cascade,
+
+     Where, dashed into bright fragments,
+       It glitters in the beam,
+     And with its brilliant colors
+       Unto the eye doth seem,
+     That showers of liquid rubies,
+       And molten gems of gold,
+     With sapphire and with amber,
+       In mingling waves are rolled
+
+     O'er these high rocks in torrents
+       Unto the vale below,
+     Then gain a course of smoothness,
+       And gently on do flow
+     'Mid banks of blooming roses
+       And snow-white lilies fair,
+     Where butterflies are floating
+       Upon the balmy air,
+
+     With many-colored winglets,
+       O'er fragrant violets blue,
+     And gayly sip their nectar
+       Mixed with the honey'd dew;
+     To gaze upon their beauties
+       'Twould seem as if some fay,
+     When roving through some garden
+       Upon a sunny day,
+
+     Had waved his wand of magic
+       O'er rose and tulip bright,
+     That filled with life had started
+       Upon a joyous flight,
+     And down the grassy meadows,
+       And 'mid the blooming trees,
+     To visit now their kindred,
+       Are floating on the breeze:
+
+     While from the woodland's thickets
+       At intervals are heard
+     The soft, melodious music
+       Of the sweet mocking-bird;
+     Which from those green recesses
+       Echoes the merry notes,
+     The little feathered songsters
+       Pour from their warbling throats.
+
+     Thus nature ever smiling,
+       Each living creature gay
+     Seems filled with sunny gladness
+       Throughout the cloudless day;
+     While I, a lonely bachelor,
+       Do bear a bleeding heart,
+     Just like a wounded wild goat
+       When stricken by a dart.
+
+     I've seen each tie dissolving
+       Of love and friendship sweet,
+     Like lumps of sugar-candy
+       When held unto the heat:
+     My friends they all proved traitors,--
+       I'm told it's always so,--
+     Fidelity's a stranger
+       In this rude world below.
+
+     They smoked my best havanas
+       And drank my best champagne,
+     And borrowed many a dollar
+       They ne'er returned again:
+     But soon as fortune left me,
+       They all deserted too--
+     They made me half a Timon--
+       The sycophantic crew!
+
+     I turned from man to woman--
+       Sweet woman to admire!
+     But from the pan 'twas leaping
+       Into the blazing fire!
+     I met a lovely maiden,
+       Who looked so very kind,
+     I thought she was an angel,
+       But I was very blind!
+
+     Like a deceitful siren,
+       She led me far astray;
+     I wandered in love's mazes
+       Until I lost my way;
+     But when I knelt to worship,
+       Why, then she laughed outright--
+     I told her I was dying,
+       And Dora said I might.
+
+     At that I grew quite angry,
+       And feeling partly cured,
+     Went home and ate my dinner,
+       And then was quite restored:
+     I ate six apple-dumplings,
+       Then laid me down to sleep,
+     Nor woke until next morning,
+       Then from my couch did creep,
+
+     And gazing in the mirror,
+       The sight my soul appall'd,
+     For I beheld with horror
+       That I was growing bald:
+     Since then I've known no pleasure!
+       Man's treachery I could bear,
+     And the deceits of woman,
+       But not the loss of hair!
+
+
+"Goldsmith never wrote anything like that," said Seddon.
+
+"Nor Tennyson, neither," said Toney.
+
+"Tennyson be hanged!" exclaimed Tom. "I'll match Tickle against him any
+day."
+
+"The composition of this poem fully developed my poetical genius," said
+the Professor. "I discovered that I could be a bard; and so I composed a
+whole book of poems."
+
+"What did you do with it?" asked Toney.
+
+"I published it," said the Professor. "Did you never hear of it?"
+
+"I must candidly admit that I never did," said Toney.
+
+"The critics cut and slashed away at my little book for about a month;
+and then they let it alone. It was not until several years after its
+publication that I heard a word in its praise; and that was under
+peculiar circumstances. I was looking over a lot of second-hand books on
+a stall at the corner of a street, when I discovered my own poems. I
+asked the price. The man said it was a work of rare genius and very
+scarce, but that as a favor I could have it for a dollar. This sounded
+like posthumous praise, and was very flattering. So I bought the book,
+and you can read it at your leisure."
+
+"Now we are on literary subjects," said Seddon, "I must remind Toney of
+his promise to read his biography of Pate."
+
+"Of whom?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Of M. T. Pate, the illustrious founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts," said Seddon. "Toney has written his biography."
+
+"Only one chapter," said Toney. "I can clearly foresee that Pate is
+destined to become a very distinguished man. As he makes materials for
+his biography the work will progress. The first chapter has been
+written."
+
+"Read it," said Tom.
+
+"Read it! read it!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+
+In compliance with the wishes of his two friends, Toney drew from a
+trunk his manuscript, and laying it on a table before him, said, "You
+will perceive, gentlemen, that in my first chapter of this biography I
+speak of Pate as an eminent personage. This requires a word of
+explanation. Pate may not yet be considered as a very eminent man, but
+before the completion and publication of the work I am confident that he
+will rank among the most distinguished personages of the age; and that
+the adjective which I have used will then be recognized as strictly
+appropriate."
+
+With these prefatory remarks, Toney proceeded to read as follows:
+
+"We have been baffled in our efforts to obtain satisfactory information
+in relation to the birthplace of the eminent personage whose biography
+we have undertaken to write. It is known that he was born somewhere in
+the South; but whether among the cotton-plantations of the Carolinas or
+the tobacco-fields on the borders of the Chesapeake, we have never been
+able to ascertain. It is said that the honor of having been the natal
+place of the immortal Maeonides was claimed by seven famous cities of
+ancient Greece; and it may be that, in future ages, at least seven
+States of the South will contend for the great glory of having produced
+the illustrious M. T. Pate. It is perhaps fortunate that at the period
+of his birth the number of those States did not exceed seven; otherwise
+a satisfactory adjustment of the apprehended difficulty would be even
+more hopeless than it is at present.
+
+"It is equally out of our power to designate the particular period when
+this eminent man entered the world in which he was destined to make so
+remarkable a figure. There is a tradition that he was born in the year
+of the embargo; and the inability of the administration of that day to
+prohibit all kinds of importations, seems to have been a fortunate
+circumstance at the very commencement of his career. It is said that he
+was a very big baby at his advent, and grew prodigiously, but was
+remarkable for his gravity, to such a degree that the wise women who
+assembled in frequent consultations around the cradle used to
+asseverate, with much emphasis of expression, that he looked as grave as
+a judge. One of his parents was pious, and both were respectable; and at
+the proper period he was brought to the baptismal font and Christianized
+with the usual solemnities. Some difficulty was encountered in the
+selection of a name. An elderly maiden lady, a friend of the family, had
+predicted that he would be a bishop, and now insisted that he should
+have a scriptural name, as most appropriate for one who was destined to
+occupy the very highest position in the church. The male head of the
+family had been perusing an odd volume of the History of Greece, in
+which he was much interested, and was desirous of naming his heir after
+one of the heroes of that classic land. These opposite views led to many
+warm discussions, which eventually resulted in a judicious compromise,
+it being agreed that the wonderful baby should have two names, and that
+each party should select one of them. So the good old lady seated
+herself, and putting on her spectacles, opened the Bible at the Book of
+Daniel where the King of Babylon was put into the pasture-fields. She
+was much struck with the passage, and proposed the name of
+Nebuchadnezzar, as exceedingly sonorous and quite uncommon. To this a
+serious objection was urged by the old gentleman, who sagaciously
+remarked that the name was so long that nobody would ever give the boy
+the whole of it, and he would be nicknamed Nebby or Neb. This suggestion
+had its effect, and the pious old lady proceeded to search the
+Scriptures again, and finally selected the name of Matthew, saying that,
+in her opinion, he was about the best of all the apostles, although he
+had once been a publican, for he was the first one of them who had ever
+thought of writing a gospel. So the boy was named Matthew Themistocles,
+after an evangelist and a heathen; as if he were destined to combine in
+his character the opposite qualities of a saint and a sinner.
+
+"It is believed that even in the cradle this robust and remarkable baby
+gave evidence of superior intelligence; and it is much to be regretted
+that he had no admiring Boswell at that early period of his existence to
+describe his extraordinary doings. But no historian ever makes a record
+of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and
+when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by
+his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds
+it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and
+insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have
+enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and
+stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat.
+
+"When the moon stood still in the valley of Ajalon, the people on the
+other side of the hills knew not that a great luminary was in their
+immediate neighborhood. But when she got in motion and slowly arose,
+until her silvery edges were seen above the surfaces of the surrounding
+eminences, the crowds began to collect and watch with absorbing interest
+the increasing proportions of the magnificent phenomenon. And when, in
+full effulgence, she was over the tops of the trees, all admired her
+splendor, and many began to dispute about her apparent size: some saying
+that she seemed to them as big as an ordinary platter; others, that she
+was equal in dimensions to a fine large cheese; while a few affirmed
+that her circumference was as great as that of the wheel of the
+war-chariot of Joshua, the son of Nun. Thus has it been with each
+intellectual light which has shone on the world; at one time hid in the
+vale of obscurity,--in the valley of Ajalon,--then surmounting the
+intervening obstacles, the first rays of the rising luminary are seen,
+and people begin to talk and admire, until finally it becomes visible in
+full-orbed splendor, when a variety of opinions are heard in reference
+to its actual magnitude. We once heard an old lawyer, who was _laudator
+temporis acti_, assert with savage emphasis that a certain occupant of
+the bench was 'a picayune judge,' thus intimating that this splendid
+luminary of the law did not seem to him bigger than an insignificant
+five-penny bit. But the eyes of old men are weak and watery, and not to
+be trusted. Some of the junior members of the legal fraternity said that
+he was as large as a dinner plate; others were of opinion that he had
+attained the size of an ordinary cheese; while many of the
+non-professional multitude loudly asserted that he was fully equal in
+magnitude to the hindmost wheel of an omnibus.
+
+"During several years after he had emerged from babyhood, M. T. Pate was
+hidden from public observation, and hoed corn in the valley of Ajalon.
+Here he laid a permanent foundation for that powerful constitution which
+has enabled him to perform the Herculean labors of his later years. His
+constant exercise in the open air gave him the extraordinary appetite
+which clung to him so faithfully amidst all the misfortunes of life. It
+also strengthened his digestion, and enabled him to consume enormous
+quantities of food without the slightest inconvenience. It is said that
+he was extremely fond of buttermilk, and would loiter around the dairy
+on churning days to obtain a supply. When he could not get buttermilk,
+he was contented with bonny-clabber and cottage-cheese. Many a sickly
+youth in our large cities would be benefited by such a system of diet,
+and might become a stout, athletic man, instead of looking like a puny
+exotic, soon to wither and fade away. Vigorous constitutions are
+necessary to enable men to conquer in the great battle of life; and
+nearly every distinguished personage in this country, from George
+Washington to Daniel Webster, was born and reared amidst rural scenery.
+
+"Nourished on buttermilk and bonny-clabber, M. T. Pate grew rapidly, and
+becoming quite a big boy, began to exercise the privilege of thinking
+for himself. His sagacious intuition, even at that early age, enabled
+him to perceive that although the cultivation of the soil was an
+honorable, useful, and healthful occupation, its tendency to increase
+his pecuniary resources was exceedingly doubtful, as there was no
+probability that he would ever become the owner of a farm, either by
+descent or purchase. So he determined to engage in mercantile pursuits,
+as offering greater facilities for the speedy acquisition of wealth.
+With this end in view, he went into a store in which crockery was sold;
+and here he remained during three entire years, first in the capacity of
+shop-boy and afterwards as salesman.
+
+"While thus actively engaged in commerce, his industry was untiring and
+his economy almost without a precedent. In those early days of his
+eventful career this eminent man was frequently seen on the street
+following a customer and carrying articles of crockery-ware which had
+been purchased. On one occasion he met with a serious misfortune; for
+while walking in the wake of an old gentlewoman, and carrying in his
+hand a vessel intended for her sleeping apartment, he inadvertently trod
+on an orange-peeling, and was precipitated forward on the pavement with
+such force as to break the brittle piece of pottery into atoms and cause
+the blood to stream from his nostrils. This was the only occasion on
+which he ever received a reprimand from his employer; and he bore the
+severe trial with fortitude and resignation.
+
+"For services rendered on various occasions, he frequently received
+gratuities from the purchasers at the store; and having resolved to
+become rich as rapidly as possible, he procured a little brown jug with
+an opening in its side, just wide enough to admit a quarter of a dollar
+edgewise. In this treasury he carefully deposited his earnings; and had
+it not been for this commendable economy, the world might never have
+seen him in the exalted positions which he afterwards occupied; for a
+commercial crisis occurring, the store was closed, and, like a ship
+struck by a sudden squall, he was thrown on his beam-end. But the solid
+contents of the little brown jug afforded him sufficient ballast, and he
+thus succeeded in gallantly weathering the storm.
+
+"A great man, struggling with adversity, is a spectacle upon which the
+good-natured old gods of Greece and Rome are said to have gazed with
+more than ordinary interest. It is impossible to imagine a more sublime
+example of patience and perseverance than that exhibited by M. T. Pate
+in his early days, when he first broke open his little brown jug and
+counted his coppers and quarters. His rigid economy had resulted in a
+considerable accumulation of coin, and an accurate enumeration of the
+contents of his treasury exhibited the sum of two hundred and sixty-four
+dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents, all in specie. With these
+resources he determined to begin the battle of life in earnest, and to
+become a great man as speedily and as cheaply as possible. The pious old
+lady, who had furnished him with one of his names, now urged him to
+enter upon a course of theological studies, so that she might soon have
+the satisfaction of seeing him in holy orders and on the high road to a
+bishopric. But upon inquiry, he ascertained that to become a bishop it
+would be necessary for him to understand Hebrew as well as Greek; and he
+was apprehensive that before he could master even the rudiments of those
+difficult languages the accumulations of his industry and economy would
+be entirely exhausted. The good old lady promised him pecuniary
+assistance, and thus encouraged he began with the Greek; but his hopes
+were soon blasted by a singular misfortune, which deprived the church of
+one of its brightest ornaments, and multitudes of sinners of the counsel
+and consoling advice of a learned, pious, and venerated pastor. Upon a
+bright morning in May, as he sat at an open window, repeating the
+letters of Cadmus aloud, his benefactress, who was in the garden below
+with a negro servant named Alfred, engaged in horticultural pursuits,
+was shocked by hearing certain sounds, which in her ignorance and
+simplicity she supposed to be of terrible significance. She rushed into
+the house and began to upbraid the astonished student with his base
+ingratitude and treachery. In vain did the unfortunate victim of her
+lamentable ignorance protest his entire innocence. She had the highest
+kind of evidence--that of her own senses--against the plea of not
+guilty. Had she not heard him say, and reiterate it again and again,
+'Alfred, beat her! d--d her! pelt her?' She would listen to no
+explanation, but indignantly ordered him to get out of her house. Her
+anger burned perpetually, like the lamp of a vestal virgin, and from
+that time forth she would have nothing to say to him. Thus was the
+unlucky youth thrown once more upon his beam-end, and was compelled to
+abandon all hope of ever becoming a bishop."
+
+Here the reading was interrupted by Tom Seddon, who exclaimed,--
+
+"Toney, you had better leave that out. Nobody will believe that Pate,
+who was about to commence his theological studies, would sit on the sill
+of the window and swear so profanely at the pious old lady in the
+garden----"
+
+Tom was here interrupted by a loud laugh from the Professor.
+
+"You do not see the point," said Toney.
+
+"What is it?" asked Tom.
+
+"Why," said the Professor, "Pate was repeating the first four Greek
+letters, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, and the old woman supposed that he
+was swearing."
+
+"Oh, that's it!" said Tom. "I was dull, indeed!"
+
+"But," said the Professor, "I think that I have heard this anecdote
+before."
+
+"Undoubtedly you have," said Toney. "Pate is a much older man than you.
+He was the unlucky student who met with this sad misfortune. It happened
+when you were in your nurse's arms. You heard the anecdote after you
+grew up, but never learned until now that the student was M. T. Pate.
+But shall I resume my reading?"
+
+"Do so," said the Professor. "I am much interested."
+
+Toney took up the manuscript, and read:
+
+"Having been constrained to give up the gospel, he determined to betake
+himself to the study of law, in which a knowledge neither of Hebrew nor
+of Greek was necessary. Having labored at Latin for a few weeks, he
+entered a law-school, where he continued for some time; the contents of
+the little brown jug miraculously holding out like the oil in the
+widow's cruse, owing to his great economy. It is not to be supposed that
+even this able jurist could without an earnest effort overcome every
+obstacle which lies in the path of the student of law. On the contrary,
+when he first encountered Coke, he was much discouraged and sometimes
+afflicted with fits of despondency. But plucking up courage, he went
+vigorously to work, and in six weeks had mastered all the learning of
+that great and voluminous author which he believed it possible for any
+human intellect ever to comprehend. In performing this Herculean labor
+he scratched a considerable quantity of hair from his head; and
+continuing this singular practice during the whole course of his
+studies, before he had finished the fourth book of Blackstone,
+
+
+                              his scalp's
+     Bald, barren surface shone like the bare Alps."
+
+
+"In other words, he became a bald Pate," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "you are strangely forgetful of the
+admonition to speak reverently when you refer to a depilous cranium.
+Now, here you are punning with the most unbecoming levity on a nude
+noddle. You had better beware! Although there are no she-bears in this
+vicinity to perform their painful duty, you may not escape with
+impunity."
+
+"Peccavi," said Tom.
+
+"Absolution is granted;" said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
+reading."
+
+Toney resumed:
+
+"A celebrated Irish barrister attributed his success in the profession
+to the fact that he started without property of any sort save only a
+pair of hair-trigger pistols. M. T. Pate carried no carnal weapons. He
+had neither hair-trigger pistols nor much hair on his head; but he had a
+little learning, which is said to be a dangerous thing. When he was
+admitted to practice, the contents of the little brown jug had been
+expended; and he started in his profession with a vigorous constitution
+and a small volume of legal lore, entitled 'Every Man his own Lawyer.'
+
+"The members of the legal fraternity are indebted to M. T. Pate for an
+important discovery immediately subsequent to his admission to the bar.
+We are told--
+
+
+     There is a language in each flower
+       That opens to the eye;
+     A voiceless but a magic power
+       Doth in earth's blossoms lie,
+
+
+and we find that the poet selects as an appropriate symbol of his
+delightful occupation 'the dew-sweet eglantine.' The soldier chooses
+
+
+     The deathless laurel as the victor's due.
+
+
+The young maiden selects the rosebud, and the weeping widow the cypress.
+The lover's flower is the myrtle; the player's, the hyacinth; the
+pugilist's, the fennel. But there never was a symbol for the legal
+profession until the sagacity of M. T. Pate discovered it in the
+_arbutus unedo_, or strawberry, which, upon a careful perusal of Flora's
+lexicon, he found to be emblematic of perseverance. And as the
+gladiators of ancient Rome were accustomed to mingle large quantities of
+fennel with their food, because it tended to give them strength and
+courage, so did this industrious lawyer never fail, when an opportunity
+offered, to devour a great abundance of strawberries; being fully
+persuaded that the fruit imparted a wonderful degree of patience and
+perseverance. In the spring strawberries and cream were consumed by him
+in immense quantities; and at other seasons of the year the preserved
+fruit was never absent from his table."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "pay attention to that. You are a
+young lawyer, and I would advise you to have the example of M. T. Pate
+ever in contemplation."
+
+"I most certainly will," said Seddon.
+
+"Never turn your back on a bowl of strawberries and cream," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Seddon,--"never!"
+
+"Be assured," said the Professor, with much solemnity, "that a sincere
+devotion to this delicious little berry will finally bring its reward.
+It will enable you to wait with admirable patience for the big case
+which is to come and place you prominently before the public. Toney,
+excuse this interruption. Read on,--I am becoming deeply interested."
+
+Toney proceeded with the reading as follows:
+
+"We occasionally meet with an instance of the falsification of the old
+adage that fools are the recipients of fortune's favors; for this
+illustrious man, at the very outset of his professional career, met with
+no ordinary good luck. A few days subsequent to his admission to the
+bar, the pious old maiden, whose deplorable ignorance of the Greek
+alphabet had deprived one profession of an ornament and added it to
+another, left these sublunary scenes for her supernal abode in Abraham's
+bosom. She had never forgotten nor forgiven the supposed ingratitude of
+her former protege. So far from this, she had, on every occasion,
+denounced him, with all the vehemence of virtuous indignation, as the
+black-hearted instigator of a meditated assault on her person. What,
+then, was his astonishment when he found that she had left a will in
+which she had bestowed on him all her worldly possessions. This
+testamentary document had been executed many years anterior to the
+melancholy event which had caused so wide a breach between them. She had
+put it carefully away and must have entirely forgotten it; for had her
+mind once reverted to the circumstance of its existence, nothing short
+of a supermundane interposition could have saved it from the devouring
+flames. She left him a beautiful farm, and personal property to a
+considerable amount, with the unusual proviso in the will that he should
+be a bishop. Some of her relatives seemed disposed, at first, to contend
+for the property, on the ground that as he was not a bishop he could not
+claim under the will. But this learned jurist cited the legal maxim _lex
+non cogit ad impossibilia_, and said that although he was not a bishop
+at that particular period, he would endeavor to carry out the intentions
+of the testatrix by becoming one as soon as a favorable opportunity
+should offer. To manifest his sincerity he immediately became a devout
+member of the church, and would sometimes read the service when the
+pastor was absent; and this he continued to do even after his secular
+duties had got to be exceedingly onerous; being apprehensive of trouble
+about his title unless he observed this wise precaution. Thus was this
+threatened lawsuit nipped in the bud; and M. T. Pate took peaceable
+possession of his beautiful farm, which he soon found was mortgaged
+nearly to the extent of its actual value in the market.
+
+"Pecuniary difficulties, like the rowels of a Spanish spur applied to the
+flanks of a donkey, impel a man onward in his career. Now, let no one
+imagine that we perceive any particular resemblance between this eminent
+jurist and an ass; and we hope that none of his numerous and ardent
+admirers will be shocked by the simile which we have employed, for it is
+not only appropriate in its present connection but it is undoubtedly
+classical. The mighty Ajax was compared by Homer to an ass; but it was
+only to show what sturdy qualities he possessed, and what an immense
+amount of beating he could stubbornly endure. With intentions equally as
+innocent, we have likened the eminent M. T. Pate to an ass, merely to
+show how stoutly he stood up under the burden he bore, and how he was
+impelled to vigorous efforts by the spur of necessity. Had his beautiful
+farm been unincumbered, he might have remained in obscurity, up to his
+knees in clover, and daily growing fatter and more lazy in the luxuriant
+pastures of prosperity. But with the burden of a heavy mortgage on his
+back, and the rowels of pecuniary difficulties goring his flanks, he got
+briskly into motion, and in his onward career, whether by accident or
+otherwise, took the right direction, and finally reached the glorious
+goal at which so many are aiming, but which so few will ever attain."
+
+"What glorious goal has Pate reached?" asked the Professor.
+
+"You forget the observations with which I prefaced the reading of the
+manuscript," said Toney. "This is only the first chapter of what is
+intended to be a very voluminous work. It is true that M. T. Pate has
+not yet reached the goal designated, but long before I have written the
+concluding portion of his biography I am confident that you will behold
+him on the very pinnacle of the temple of fame."
+
+"Toney is a prophet," said Tom. "He truly predicted what has since
+happened to the two young ladies and their lovers who have gone to the
+Mexican war."
+
+"Poor Claribel!" said Toney. "I sincerely wish that my vaticinations
+had not been verified."
+
+"Pooh! pooh!" said the Professor. "Their lovers have taken wing and
+flown away, but they will come back little turtle-doves in the spring,
+and then, after a little billing and cooing, you will see two pretty
+pairs building their nests. And besides, although love is a disease
+which is supposed to attack the heart, it is seldom fatal in its
+results."
+
+"Is it not?" said Tom.
+
+"Why, no," said the Professor. "Dora jilted me, and am I dead? Ecce
+homo! fat and flourishing, and the founder of the sect of Funny
+Philosophers."
+
+"I would really like to know the condition of Claribel's health," said
+Toney.
+
+"It had much improved when I called and made inquiry this morning," said
+Tom. "But I thought that I was about to witness war and bloodshed in the
+house."
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"Hostilities have broken out between the two doctors," said Tom. "They
+were quarreling in the hall when I entered, and left the house shaking
+their fists in each other's faces."
+
+"What about?" inquired Toney.
+
+"I was unable to ascertain," said Tom.
+
+"Well, never mind," said the Professor. "Who shall decide when doctors
+disagree? Toney, let us hear the concluding portion of your manuscript.
+But, by Jove! what's that?"
+
+A loud noise was heard in the street; men shouting and boys hurrahing.
+Tom Seddon snatched up his hat, and, followed by Toney and the
+Professor, ran from the room.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+
+"Hurrah for Bull!" shouted a boy, as Tom reached the pavement in front
+of the hotel.
+
+"Bully for Bear! Pitch in! Hit him again! He called you another liar!"
+yelled a ragged urchin on the opposite side of the street.
+
+"Who are those belligerent gentlemen?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The very two doctors I saw shaking their fists in each other's faces at
+Colonel Hazlewood's door," said Tom Seddon. "I thought there would soon
+be active hostilities between them."
+
+"Good for Bull!" cried an urchin.
+
+"Wade in, Bear!" shouted another.
+
+"I bet on Bull!" said a third.
+
+"Bear's the man for my money!" yelled a fourth.
+
+"Which is Bull?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The red-faced man with spectacles on his nose, who is standing up in
+the buggy without a top, and is menacing his antagonist with the butt
+end of his whip," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"And Bear is the short fat man on horseback, brandishing his cane?" said
+Toney.
+
+"The same," said Seddon.
+
+"Right cut against cavalry!" shouted a soldier on the pavement, as Bull
+aimed a blow at Bear with his whip.
+
+"By jabers! that's the prod!" cried an Irishman, as Bear thrust the end
+of his cane in his adversary's face.
+
+The horse attached to the buggy now moved on a few paces and halted.
+Bear sat still on his horse, fiercely gazing at his antagonist.
+
+"At him again!" cried a boy.
+
+"Don't be afraid! Show the blood of your mother!" yelled a second
+urchin.
+
+"Charge, Chester, charge!" shouted a third.
+
+Bear furiously spurred his horse and rushed up to the buggy. A blow
+from Bull's whip knocked off his hat, and his bald head shone in the
+sun. At the same time a thrust from Bear's cane deprived Bull of his
+spectacles.
+
+"Hurrah for Bear! He has knocked out Bull's eyes!" shouted a boy.
+
+Bull seized Bear's cane and pulled it from his hands. Bear reached out
+and grasped Bull by the top of his head. Bull's wig came off.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah! he has scalped him!" shouted a boy.
+
+Bull was infuriated. He grappled Bear by a tuft of hair that grew on the
+side of his head. Bear's horse started back and the rider fell over his
+neck into the buggy. Then both belligerents commenced furiously fighting
+with their fists.
+
+"I command the peace! I command the peace!" cried a portly gentleman on
+the pavement.
+
+"They are at close quarters," said a soldier. "It is too late to command
+the peace."
+
+The belligerents in the buggy were furiously dealing blows and loudly
+uttering profanity, and the horse was frightened and ran off with the
+vehicle. Tom Seddon leaped on Bear's horse and galloped off in pursuit.
+On the main road leading from the town was a company of cavalry
+returning from a parade. The troopers opened to the right and left, and
+the two doctors passed through, furiously pommeling each other in the
+buggy.
+
+"By fours, right about wheel!" shouted the captain. "Trot! Gallop!
+Charge!" and away went the cavalry, clattering down the road in pursuit
+of the belligerent doctors! Tom Seddon brought up the rear.
+
+On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing blows at his
+antagonist, and shouting and swearing in utter unconsciousness of the
+surroundings! On rode the gallant captain at the head of his company! On
+galloped Tom Seddon in the rear! Over a hill and down a descent they
+rushed at a terrific rate! On the top of the next hill stood a
+toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse running at full speed with a
+vehicle, closed the gate and stopped his career. "Halt!" shouted the
+captain. "Halt! halt!" cried the lieutenants. And the troopers halted
+and sat on their panting horses, surrounding the buggy.
+
+"Draw sabers!" shouted the captain. And every saber leaped from its
+scabbard.
+
+"Surrender!" said the captain, riding up to the buggy. "In the name of
+the State I demand your surrender!" But Bull and Bear heard not, and
+heeded not. Each had grappled his antagonist by the throat, and was
+fiercely fighting.
+
+"Sergeant, dismount two sections and secure the prisoners," said the
+captain.
+
+Eight stalwart troopers, headed by a sergeant, leaped from their horses,
+and, rushing to the buggy, seized Bull and Bear by the legs and pulled
+them apart.
+
+"Tie their hands behind their backs," said the captain, "or they will go
+at it again."
+
+The prisoners were securely bound with cords, and each mounted behind a
+trooper, and were thus conducted back to the town.
+
+"I commit you both to jail for an outrageous breach of the peace," said
+the magistrate, who still stood on the pavement. "Here, constable, is
+the commitment. Take them both to jail. Put them in separate cells, and
+don't let them get at one another again."
+
+"Good heavens!" said Colonel Hazelwood, as he saw the two physicians led
+away in the custody of the constable, "what am I to do? I have a sick
+person in my house, and the only two doctors in the town have been sent
+to jail for fighting in the street."
+
+"What did they quarrel about?" asked Toney.
+
+"Why," said the colonel, "the young lady was nervous, and could not
+sleep; and Bull wanted to give her a decoction of hops, while Bear was
+of opinion that she should drink a cup of catnip-tea."
+
+"Colonel," said the Professor, "allow me to give you some advice."
+
+"What is that?" inquired the colonel.
+
+"Never admit two doctors into your house, unless you desire to be the
+spectator of a pugilistic combat."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+
+"That was a brilliant charge of cavalry in which you so gallantly
+participated, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, when the three friends
+had returned to Toney's room. "In promptness and impetuosity it will
+compare with Colonel May's famous charge at the battle of Resaca de la
+Palma."
+
+"It was decisive," said Seddon. "Put an end to hostilities."
+
+"And now, Toney, do not let these two doctors be instrumental in
+bringing the life of M. T. Pate to an abrupt termination," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Two doctors are enough to bring any man's life to a termination," said
+Seddon. "If the walls of the jail were not solid and strong, it would be
+a very heavy premium which would induce me to insure the lives of their
+patients in Colonel Hazlewood's house."
+
+"It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to joke on such a
+sad and serious subject," said the Professor. "Toney, proceed with the
+reading of the biography of M. T. Pate."
+
+Toney took up the manuscript and read as follows:
+
+"The mighty oak, whose massive timbers entered into the construction of
+the magnificent steamship, was once an insignificant acorn, and the
+illustrious man whose wisdom and eloquence are the admiration of the
+multitude was once a humble attorney practicing in the petty court of a
+justice of the peace. A few miles from his residence was a village where
+Justice Johnson held his court on every second and fourth Saturday in
+each month. He had civil jurisdiction in actions of debt where the
+amount involved did not exceed the sum of fifty dollars; to which were
+superadded powers of adjudication in certain criminal causes, where the
+slave population were accused of sundry peccadilloes, such as nocturnal
+aggressions on the hen-roosts of the farmers in the neighborhood. From
+the decisions of the justice in civil suits there was an appeal to the
+county court.
+
+"In the court of the learned and dignified Justice Johnson M. T. Pate
+commenced his professional career; and here he continued to practice for
+a number of years before he ventured upon a more extended field of
+action. The fees were small, but with many cases and much economy his
+accumulations might be considerable. And, besides, like many men of
+merit, he was diffident of his abilities, and dreaded to meet a trained
+adversary in the field of forensic controversy. He hoped that this
+diffidence would wear off by degrees, and that he would not be like
+Counselor Lamb, who said that the older he grew, the more sheepish he
+became----"
+
+"Stop, Toney, stop!" said the Professor. "Do you think that a pun is
+allowable in the biography of a great man, which should be almost as
+grave and dignified in its style as the history of a great nation?"
+
+"It is not a pun," said Toney. "It is the serious remark of a very
+learned lawyer. Lamb is a meek old lawyer in Mapleton, remarkable for
+his modesty. For many years he contented himself with a lucrative
+chamber practice, and never attempted to address a court or jury. But on
+one occasion a favorite negro servant of the lawyer was indicted for
+cutting off a bull's tail. Lamb undertook to defend him before a jury.
+He arose with much trepidation; his voice faltered; he could not
+articulate a word. A profuse perspiration bathed his brow, and he took
+out his handkerchief and wiped his face. There was some ugly unguent on
+the handkerchief, and it left a black spot on his brow.
+
+"'Look at old Lamb's face,' said a young attorney, in a loud whisper.
+
+"'It is--lam'black!' said another.
+
+"The twelve jurors in the box grinned. Lamb shook from head to foot. He
+grew desperate, and, in a loud voice, exclaimed, 'Gentlemen of the jury,
+the prisoner is indicted for cutting off a bull's tail. What--what----'
+There was an awkward pause.
+
+"'He was going to ask what should be done with the bull,' whispered a
+young limb of the law.
+
+"'Sell him at wholesale--you can't retail him,' said another attorney,
+in a whisper so loud as to be distinctly audible.
+
+"The jury were convulsed with laughter, which so increased the agitation
+of the advocate that he shook like an aspen, and finally dropped into
+his seat and covered his face with his handkerchief. The judge rapped
+with his gavel, and repressing the merriment which pervaded the
+court-room, told the counselor to proceed with his argument. But he
+could not utter another word. Some days afterwards as Lamb sat in his
+office, lamenting his infirmity to a friend, he said that the older he
+grew, the more sheepish he became."
+
+"Your explanation is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor,
+gravely. "Resume the reading of Pate's biography."
+
+Toney read on:
+
+"But even in this quiet little court he had an adversary who was a thorn
+in his side, often causing him great affliction, and sometimes intense
+agony. This adversary was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most
+singular physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and supposed
+to be crazy on all subjects except those appertaining to the law. On
+legal questions he exhibited great astuteness, and, having renounced the
+jack-plane and procured an odd volume of Burn's Justice, he had been
+practicing for some years before Justice Johnson, when M. T. Pate made
+his debut. The carpenter considered himself the monarch of that bar, and
+when his youthful antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them
+was watched with nearly as much interest in the little village as was
+the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on a more celebrated forum. Many
+predicted that Piddler had now met with his match, and might even have
+to succumb; but their vaticinations were not verified in every instance.
+Extraordinary as it may seem, the carpenter usually came off victorious,
+and the learned attorney frequently left the court and went home deeply
+dejected by the humiliation of defeat.
+
+"In that neighborhood many people still talk about those celebrated
+trials, where Justice Johnson presided and Piddler and Pate contended
+for victory. Most of these accounts are legendary, and no more reliable
+than are those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent orator
+of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have ascertained to be strictly
+authentic. A stout African, a slave named Sam, and an incorrigible
+sinner, had been brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of
+having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in that vicinity.
+Pate was for the defense and Piddler for the prosecution. The widow's
+son, a lad of twelve years, who was the principal witness, testified
+that he had set the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more
+than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition to the patient
+fowl to 'spread' herself, he left her, and, climbing a cherry-tree, was
+eating the fruit, when he saw Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs.
+The testimony was conclusive of the prisoner's guilt, and his counsel
+had to assail the character of the witness. But he was ably vindicated
+by Piddler, and the unfortunate Sam was convicted of petty larceny.
+Justice Johnson, being a humane man, in passing sentence, said, with
+tears in his eyes, 'Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal
+punishment to be indicted on any one, but my solemn duty must be
+performed. The sentence of the court is, that you be taken hence to the
+horse-rack, and have twelve lashes laid on your bare back, and may the
+Lord have mercy on your soul!'
+
+"Sam was taken to the place of execution, and having undergone his
+punishment with heroic fortitude, was about to be released by the
+constable, when his counsel appeared in court and moved for a new trial.
+The court ordered the officer to keep a sharp lookout on Sam, and sent
+for Piddler, who was celebrating his victory in a neighboring bar-room.
+Pate argued his motion with much ability, and demonstrated that the hen
+was worth so much, and that when the twenty eggs were hatched each
+chicken would be worth so much, and that the aggregate would amount to a
+sum sufficient to constitute the offense of grand larceny, over which
+the court had no jurisdiction. Piddler was fuddled, and failing to
+perceive any other weak point in his adversary's argument, contented
+himself with saying that he did not think that his learned brother had
+any right to count his chickens before they were hatched. Justice
+Johnson very properly rebuked him for his levity; and firmly expressing
+his determination to maintain the dignity of the court, finally granted
+a new trial. So the case was again tried and with the same result. Sam
+was convicted and sentenced to receive another installment of twelve
+lashes on his bare back. Piddler always boasted of his success in this
+prosecution, and said that if he was defeated on the motion for a new
+trial, nevertheless he had got the curly-headed rascal twenty-four
+lashes on his bare back instead of twelve. On the other hand, Mr. Pate,
+after he had acquired more experience in his profession, candidly
+acknowledged that the motion for a new trial was an error on his part,
+as it could do his client no good under the circumstances, and actually
+did him a deal of harm. But he said he was then young, and allowed
+himself to be carried away by too eager a desire for the glory of a
+victory over his vaunting antagonist.
+
+"So frequently defeated before Justice Johnson, Mr. Pate had many
+appeals to the county court. These were usually tried by other attorneys
+whom he employed before the cases were called. But he was regular in his
+attendance, and each morning, during the terms, might be seen mounted on
+his favorite nag, Old Whitey, and traveling towards the metropolis of
+the county. Although there were many stables in the town where hay and
+oats could be had for hungry horses, he always fastened his steed to a
+tree, where the animal remained from nine o'clock in the morning until
+late in the afternoon, with nothing to satisfy his natural craving for
+food. Thus did the lawyer not only save the expense of provender, but
+also of whip and spur, for Whitey was always in a hurry to get home and
+enjoy the luxury of the abundant pastures on the farm. The tree which
+was thus used as a stable withered and died many years ago, having been
+entirely stripped of its bark by the teeth of the hungry horse. Being an
+object of great curiosity, it was cut down and manufactured into canes,
+which were in great demand and sold at extravagant prices. One of these
+walking-sticks was purchased by a gentleman from Louisiana, who carried
+it home and presented it to General Taylor; at the same time giving him
+a history of the lawyer and his horse. The old hero, who admired
+simplicity of character, was much struck with the story, and named his
+favorite war-horse Old Whitey. And thus did it happen that the gallant
+charger which carried Old Rough and Ready through the glorious battle of
+Buena Vista, had the honor of being named after the horse which had so
+often carried this distinguished lawyer with all his learning to court."
+
+"Is that all?" said the Professor, as Toney laid aside the manuscript.
+
+"That ends the chapter," said Toney. "And it was more than enough for
+Tom Seddon, for he has been asleep for the last fifteen minutes."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "has probably glided into a condition
+of trance, and now has before him a beautiful vision of a bowl of
+strawberries and cream. It would not be in accordance with the
+principles of genuine philanthropy to awaken him to the unsavory
+realities of ordinary existence. Shall we leave him to wander in the
+land of Nod, and take a walk through the town?"
+
+"Agreed," said Toney. And, putting on their hats, they left Tom Seddon
+snoring on Toney's bed, and proceeded on a promenade.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+
+"That man on the other side of the street looks like one of the
+belligerent doctors," said the Professor, as he and Toney stood on the
+pavement in front of the hotel.
+
+"It is Doctor Bull, minus his spectacles, and with the addition of a
+very black eye," said Toney.
+
+"His vision seems not to be very clear! There! he has stumbled over a
+dog, and is indignantly bestowing on the unlucky cur a couple of kicks,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"Bull is very near-sighted," said Toney. "He will get along badly
+without the aid of his spectacles."
+
+"I wonder how he got out of jail?" said the Professor.
+
+"Colonel Hazlewood bailed him out," said the landlord. "The colonel
+needs his services in attendance on his niece, Miss Carrington, who is
+still in a critical condition."
+
+"Did the colonel also bail out the other physician?" asked the
+Professor.
+
+"No, indeed!" said the landlord. "The colonel said he was afraid to let
+the other fellow out while the young lady was ill. The two doctors might
+get to fighting again, and their patient might die while they were
+settling their difficulties."
+
+"I perceive that the colonel is an apt scholar in the school of
+experience," said the Professor. "It is not advisable to allow more than
+one doctor to run at large at a time in a small town like this."
+
+"I am glad that Bull is out," said the landlord.
+
+"Why so?" asked Toney.
+
+"He has a patient in my house. The gentleman is quite sick. He is in the
+room next to the one occupied by you, Mr. Belton. I hope you have not
+been disturbed."
+
+"Not at all," said Toney. "He has been very quiet. I was not aware that
+there was a sick person in the apartment. Come, Charley, let us walk to
+the post-office."
+
+A letter was handed to Toney at the post-office, which he read, and then
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Well, Charley, my holiday is over. I must go back to Mapleton by the
+next train."
+
+"Indeed!" said the Professor. "What urgent business renders your
+presence necessary in Mapleton?"
+
+"The great case of Simon Rump _vs._ the Salt-Water Canal Company is to
+be argued next week. I am counsel for the company, and my distinguished
+friend M. T. Pate is Rump's attorney. It is a claim for damages. The
+company are about to construct a portion of their canal through Rump's
+real estate, and a jury are to assemble on the ground and assess the
+damages which should be paid to Simon Rump."
+
+"Who is Simon Rump?"
+
+"You have heard Tom Seddon and myself speak of Simon Dobbs?"
+
+"The unfortunate individual who was baffled by the Mystic Order of
+Sweethearts in his efforts to obtain an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs?"
+
+"The same," said Toney. "Well, Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump."
+
+"Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump? I don't comprehend."
+
+"It is so. Simon Dobbs is now Simon Rump, and in his domicile dwell an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs."
+
+"I am glad that the poor fellow has at last obtained the companionship
+of angelic beings after so much tribulation. But how did it happen that
+his name was changed? Had the angel changed her name, when she came to
+dwell with Dobbs, it would have been more in accordance with established
+usage."
+
+"The angel would not consent to change her name. I might as well tell
+the story at once, for I see that your curiosity is aroused."
+
+"Indeed it is," said the Professor. "I am as curious as a maiden lady
+who has accompanied this terrestrial orb in fifty annual revolutions
+around the center of the solar system. How did Dobbs become Rump?"
+
+"After the poor fellow met with so serious a mishap, when he wanted to
+purchase a wife and a couple of children, he lived in melancholy
+seclusion during several years. He has a fine farm in the neighborhood
+of Mapleton. On the east side of his farm, and nearer to the town, is
+the estate of the Widow Wild, and on the west was the land of Farmer
+Rump who was also named Simon. Rump had fine possessions, and a buxom
+wife, and seven children, and was prosperous and contented. But he was
+taken sick, and a doctor being sent for, in about a week Simon Dobbs
+followed the hearse of his friend and neighbor Simon Rump to the
+cemetery. The widow wept and the seven children were in deep affliction.
+Dobbs had a soft heart, and went frequently to the house to console the
+widow and orphans. The widow was buxom and blooming and the children
+were chubby. An idea entered the head of Dobbs. Here were an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs. Could he not persuade them to come and dwell
+in his domicile? In the solitude of his home he again had visions of
+future felicity. In due time he presented the question of annexation for
+the consideration of the widow. It was decided in the negative. She said
+that she had been the wife of Simon Rump, and when she planted a rose on
+the grave of that good man she had solemnly vowed that she would never
+be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. Dobbs went home and had a fit of
+the blues. He thought of his first love and of his subsequent
+misfortunes. He thought of Susan and the Seven Sweethearts. He thought
+of the dreadful beating he had received when he wanted to buy a wife and
+a couple of children. He thought of the refusal of the Widow Rump, and
+he was in despair. His home would never be the abode of an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs."
+
+"Poor fellow!" said the Professor. "His was, indeed, a sad fate! Excuse
+me, Toney, if I apply my handkerchief. A tear will ooze from the corner
+of my eye."
+
+"There is no need for your handkerchief. Dobbs's prospects now began to
+brighten. Fortune smiled on him at last."
+
+"The cruel jade!" said the Professor. "She sometimes becomes ashamed of
+her barbarity and makes amends. I trust it was so in the case of poor
+Dobbs."
+
+"It was," said Toney. "A few days after the rejection of his suit by the
+widow, a splendid opportunity, which presented itself, for an amazing
+display of his gallantry, enabled him to win her heart. On a bright
+morning in July there was an unusually large congregation assembled in
+groups in front of the village church, which stands in a grove of fine
+old trees, affording a delightful shade. While the people were thus
+awaiting the arrival of their pastor, the widow rode up, accompanied by
+her eldest son, a boy of twelve years of age. The lad dismounted and led
+the widow's steed to a big chestnut stump, then used as a horseblock.
+She attempted to dismount, but just at that moment the horse suddenly
+started to one side, and she was caught on the pommel, and there hung
+suspended, like Mohammed's coffin, between heaven and earth. The gawky
+boy exclaimed, 'Great golly!' and stood holding the horse. The ladies
+shrieked and put down their veils, and the gentlemen, instead of going
+to the rescue, turned away as if seized with a sudden panic. In this
+emergency the remarkable presence of mind of Simon Dobbs was wonderfully
+demonstrated. Hearing the cries of the distressed lady, he coolly put
+his hand in his pocket and drew forth a large knife, which he was
+accustomed to use in his orchard for pruning purposes; then turning his
+back and opening the blade, he advanced backward until his shoulders
+almost touched her as she hung in a state of awful suspense; when with a
+skillful movement of the knife he cut off the end of the dress which
+clung to the pommel, and the lady fell unharmed to the ground. A shout
+of applause rewarded this noble achievement; and from that day the heart
+of the buxom widow was the property of Simon Dobbs."
+
+"So it should have been," said the Professor. "In books of chivalry and
+romance a valorous knight, who rescues a fair one in distress, is always
+rewarded by the possession of that important organ."
+
+"The pastor did not come," said Toney. "The reverend gentleman was sick;
+but the congregation found an efficient substitute in M. T. Pate, who
+mounted the pulpit and read the usual prayers, and then selected the
+ninth chapter of Genesis. When in his loud and solemn tones Pate read
+the twenty-third verse, every eye in the congregation was directed first
+towards the widow and then towards Simon Dobbs. The widow went home and
+read the chapter over and was deeply impressed. She was convinced that
+Simon Dobbs was a good man, and could be compared to the favorite sons
+of the patriarch. She knew that he would make a devoted husband. When
+Dobbs called on the following day to inquire after her health, she
+blushed until her face was as ruddy as the morning, and Dobbs saw in her
+blushes the beams of an Aurora which was the harbinger of his
+happiness."
+
+"Too poetical, Toney," said the Professor. "But proceed. What did Dobbs
+do?"
+
+"He drew his chair close up to the widow; and this time as he approached
+her he did not turn his back."
+
+"Well, what did he do?"
+
+"He took hold of her hand."
+
+"Well."
+
+"He squeezed it."
+
+"Good!"
+
+"He advanced his mouth in close proximity to her lips."
+
+"Excellent!"
+
+"He kissed her."
+
+"And then?"
+
+"One of the little cherubs ran into the room, and bawling out, 'You stop
+biting my mamma!' struck Dobbs with a stick."
+
+"Horrible!"
+
+"Dobbs saw a servant-maid's grinning face at the door. He snatched up
+his hat and rushed from the house. The widow seized the little cherub,
+and laid him over her lap and spanked him."
+
+"What became of Dobbs?"
+
+"He returned next evening. The cherubs were all put to bed. He again
+presented the question of annexation for the consideration of the widow.
+This time it was debated on both sides. The widow told him that she had
+solemnly vowed never to be the wife of anybody but Simon Rump. She could
+not break her vow. Dobbs then proposed to change his name to Rump. This
+proposition was satisfactory. M. T. Pate filed a bill in chancery for
+Dobbs, and a decree was passed changing his name to Rump; and Simon
+Dobbs is now Simon Rump; and an angel dwells with him, and seven sweet
+little cherubs run about his domicile with their bare feet."
+
+"Cherubs are always barefooted," said the Professor. "They are painted
+so on canvas. It couldn't be otherwise."
+
+"Why not?" said Toney.
+
+"Because no shoemaker ever entered the kingdom of heaven."
+
+"I cannot see why the disciples of St. Crispin should be excluded," said
+Toney.
+
+"They never tell the truth, and liars--you know the text. Did you ever
+see the picture of an angel with a pair of shoes on his feet?"
+
+"Never!"
+
+"They have no shoemakers among them," said the Professor.
+
+They had now reached the hotel, and, after Toney had directed Hannibal
+and Caesar to come for his trunks, were approaching his room, when they
+heard a loud noise, and Tom Seddon's voice furiously shouting "Villain!"
+This was followed by the sound of some heavy body falling on the floor.
+Toney and the Professor rushed into the room. In the middle of the floor
+stood Tom Seddon with his clothes covered with blood. A crimson stream
+spouted from his person and sprinkled the floor. In a corner of the room
+lay Dr. Bull, having just been knocked down by a blow from Seddon's
+fist. On the bed was a basin turned upside down. With the ferocity of a
+tiger Tom was about to spring at Bull again when Toney caught him and
+held him back.
+
+"Let me at him!" shouted Tom, savagely. "He has had my blood and I want
+his!"
+
+"Are you not Jones?" groaned Bull, in the corner.
+
+"Jones! who is Jones? You bloody old villain!" cried Tom.
+
+"Good heavens!" said Bull, "I fear I have made a mistake! I have bled
+the wrong man!"
+
+Toney roared with laughter, and the Professor fell on the bed and
+emitted violent explosions of mirth.
+
+Bull, who had been deprived of his spectacles in his desperate encounter
+with Bear, was nearly blind, and going into the wrong room had
+approached the bed. Tom was snoring. Bull felt his pulse. "Symptoms of
+apoplexy!" exclaimed Bull. "A decided change for the worse! He must be
+immediately depleted or the attack may be fatal!" Bull got a basin,
+rolled up Tom's sleeve, took out a lancet and sprung it. The blood
+spirted, and Tom jumped up and knocked Bull down.
+
+All this was explained after Tom's arm had been bound up by the
+Professor; Bull being too much disabled by the blow and his fall to
+render any assistance.
+
+"The doctor has amply apologized," said Toney.
+
+"By Jove! does such an outrage admit of an apology?" said Tom, looking
+at Bull with savage ferocity.
+
+"My dear sir, it was a mistake! I thought it was Jones!" said the
+doctor, making for the door.
+
+"Good-by, doctor!" said Toney. "You have let the bad blood out of him,
+and he will soon be in a better disposition."
+
+Bull hastily departed with both eyes in a damaged condition.
+
+"He has had my blood and I would like to have his," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you should cultivate a more benign disposition," said the
+Professor. "Bull practiced phlebotomy on you with the best intentions."
+
+"And now, Tom, I must leave you," said Toney, as Caesar and Hannibal
+entered the room to carry his trunks to the railway.
+
+"Are you going?" said Tom.
+
+"Must go," said Toney. "I have to prepare for the great case of Simon
+Rump vs. The Salt-Water Canal Company. I leave Charley with you, who
+will attend to your wound, and when it has healed you and he come to
+Mapleton and hear the argument of my distinguished adversary M. T.
+Pate."
+
+Both promised to do so; and shaking hands with his two friends, Toney
+went out and closed the door, but immediately opened it again and
+said,--
+
+"Tom, when you take another siesta, remember to bolt the door and keep
+Bull out. Good-by!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+
+"Simon, my love," said Mrs. Rump, as she handed her affectionate spouse
+a cup of coffee at breakfast, "what lawyer have you got to speak to the
+jury in our great case against the Canal Company?"
+
+"Why, my angel," said Simon, "I have got Mr. Pate, the great lawyer in
+Mapleton."
+
+"Is Mr. Pate the bald-headed man who sometimes reads the prayers in
+church?" asked the angel.
+
+"He is the man," said Simon.
+
+"He must be a very good man," said the mother of the seven sweet little
+cherubs.
+
+"He is," said the lord of the mansion; "and he is also a very learned
+man. He has more than a dozen books in his office as big as the Bible,
+and he reads in them every day."
+
+"Oh, my!" said Simon's angel. "No wonder he is bald! Reads all those big
+books! What a heap he must know!"
+
+"Indeed, he does," said Simon. "And he has promised to make a great
+speech against the Canal Company, and get us a power of damages."
+
+"How much?" inquired the angel.
+
+"Thirty thousand dollars--not a cent less."
+
+"Gracious goodness! thirty thousand dollars! We will be as rich as the
+Widow Wild almost! Indeed, my love, you must buy a nice new carriage. I
+don't like to ride to church on horseback and see the Widow Wild coming
+in her carriage."
+
+"And I want a hobby-horse," said one of the male cherubs.
+
+"And I want a nice new doll," said a female cherub.
+
+"Hush, you noisy brats!" said the angel. And she slapped the male cherub
+on the side of the face, and in the operation overturned her cup, and
+spilt the hot coffee on the female cherub's head. The two cherubs tried
+the strength of their lungs; and Simon Rump arose from the table, and,
+putting on his hat, opened the door to go forth and talk with his lawyer
+about the big case.
+
+The angel followed Simon to the porch and said,--
+
+"Thirty thousand dollars! Oh, my! But how much are you to pay Mr. Pate?"
+
+"One-tenth," said Simon.
+
+"How much is that?" asked the mother of the cherubs.
+
+"Three thousand dollars," said Simon.
+
+"Three thousand dollars! Gracious! That is a heap of money to pay a
+lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour."
+
+"But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It would take me ten
+years to read all those books; and then I would not understand what is
+in them," said Simon, scratching his head.
+
+"Three thousand dollars! How much will we have left?"
+
+"Twenty-seven thousand dollars," said Simon.
+
+"Twenty-seven thousand dollars! That is a heap of money! I must have a
+brand-new carriage with eagles painted on its sides. I don't like to
+ride to church on horseback."
+
+"Before we were married I used to like to see you coming to church on
+horseback," said Simon.
+
+The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss on Simon, who went
+from his gate merrily whistling, as any man might who had an angel and
+seven sweet little cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon
+to get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corporation.
+
+Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to Mapleton in
+preparation for the proper presentation of his case to the jury. His
+distinguished adversary had composed a great speech to be delivered on
+the occasion. Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and
+prejudices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the thirty
+thousand dollars which he had confidently promised to his client Simon
+Rump.
+
+On the morning of the day on which the jury were to assemble on the
+ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor arrived in the cars from Bella
+Vista. The jury were conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of
+the sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dismounting, tied
+his steed to a tree, which the animal immediately commenced divesting of
+its bark.
+
+The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, and having
+carefully examined that portion of it through which the canal was to be
+constructed, seated themselves on two benches, which had been prepared
+for their accommodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. Simon
+Rump's counsel was then informed that the jury were ready to hear his
+argument.
+
+"Pate is going to make a great speech," said Tom Seddon, as Pate drew
+from his pocket a number of papers and laid them on a stump which he
+used as a table. "With that black coat and white cravat he looks very
+much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pilgrim's Progress."
+
+"John Banyan was an eloquent man," said the Professor. "And from the
+very profound and extremely solemn look of the advocate now preparing to
+address the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest order.
+Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, for or some burst of pathos
+may find you wholly unprepared for the flood of tears which you will be
+compelled to shed over the wrongs of Simon Rump."
+
+"Hush!" said Tom Seddon, "Pate is wiping the top of his big bald head
+with his handkerchief. He is about to begin."
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "must I continually admonish you to
+speak reverently of bald heads? Remember the she-bears!"
+
+"Hush!" said Tom,--"listen!"
+
+M. T. Pate spoke as follows:
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury,--No more important case than this ever came
+before a jury either of ancient or modern times. An outrage unparalleled
+in the whole history of Christian jurisprudence is about to be
+perpetrated upon my law-abiding, inoffensive, and patriotic client,
+Simon Rump. And by whom? By a powerful, an overgrown, a gigantic
+corporation! And, gentlemen, what is a corporation? It is defined by the
+great Judge Marshall to be 'an artificial being, invisible, intangible,
+and existing only in contemplation of law.' In addition to this, I
+assert, that these corporations have neither souls to be saved nor
+bodies to be damned. Gentlemen, we read of no such thing in the Bible as
+a corporation. I have carefully searched the five books of Moses, from
+Genesis to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that God's chosen patriarchs,
+Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever chartered a single corporation.
+Neither do we find that such monopolies were ever tolerated by David or
+Solomon, or any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge my
+learned brother on the other side to produce from the whole of the New
+Testament one single text in favor of corporations. Have I not, then, a
+right to assert that these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by
+the Christian religion, but are of heathen invention?
+
+"Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is the plaintiff in
+this cause? Is there an individual now within the sound of my voice who
+has not known and loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood?
+Simon now lives upon the very spot where he was born, and where the
+bones of his ancestors are buried. Few men can boast of so glorious a
+lineage. His forefathers fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and
+the British; and had Simon lived in those days, he would have fought as
+valiantly as they did; for he is a worthy descendant of illustrious
+sires.
+
+"Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed them now. A few
+weeks ago a worthy farmer of your county, upon a bright, warm summer's
+day, was seated by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and
+innocent little ones playing around him. There he sat with his head
+proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal man could take from him one
+foot of that sacred soil without his own free consent. But what it was
+out of the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done by a
+soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump then, and
+imagine the feelings of Simon Rump now. Imagine the feelings of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's
+venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
+little ones then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent
+little ones now.
+
+"But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, nor is Mrs. Rump the
+only woman, nor are the innocent little Rumps the only children who will
+be made to suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A whole
+community will be divided in twain. Permit this canal to be dug, and
+will not your county be virtually divided as if into two separate
+kingdoms? It is to be forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one
+word is said about bridges over it. What will be the consequences? Will
+there not be a separation of friends and relatives; and what money can
+compensate for that?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump; in behalf of Simon
+Rump's venerable wife; in behalf of Simon Rump's innocent little ones;
+in behalf of Simon Rump's friends and Simon Rump's neighbors; and in
+behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal to you by your
+love of right and your abhorrence of wrong, and by your devotion to your
+country, and your pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless,
+tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous verdict as will ever
+hereafter operate as a shield to the weak and a warning to the proud."
+
+"What do you think of that?" said Tom Seddon to the Professor when Pate
+had concluded.
+
+"Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antediluvian and never hear
+such a speech again," said the Professor, with impressive solemnity.
+
+"Toney will find it difficult to make a reply," said Tom.
+
+"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he
+has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due
+deliberation."
+
+"What a grave aspect he has assumed as he now rises before the jury!"
+said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech,
+he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."
+
+Toney Belton now spoke as follows:
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury,--While listening with the most profound
+attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by
+my learned and eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time,
+the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable
+assemblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of
+the First Book of Kings,--'And there came of all people to hear the
+wisdom of Solomon.'
+
+"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments
+advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon
+Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for
+the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in
+disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.
+
+"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must
+notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful
+effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.
+
+"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two
+separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impassable gulf
+had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the
+inevitable result of the construction of this canal. As he alluded to
+the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the
+description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to
+the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.
+
+"Behold the canal already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet
+deep! On either side are assembled groups of men, women, and children;
+for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears
+are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the
+air. On the east side of the canal is the fond father, and on the west
+his favorite son. On the east side of the canal is the anxious mother,
+and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the canal is
+the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'
+There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened
+above, and the water is now rushing into the canal. The moment of
+separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again
+beneath the skies!
+
+"Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches forth the right
+hand to take a last embrace of a parent, child, brother, sister,
+mistress, or lover! But even this small consolation is denied; for,
+behold, the water is already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep!
+Then there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations; and tears gush
+forth, falling like a summer's shower into the dividing waters. There is
+cast from each face one last, long, agonizing look; and those
+broken-hearted friends and relatives depart to their respective homes,
+to meet no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more on
+earth.
+
+"But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It comes from the Rumps!
+
+
+                         Oh, mercy dispel
+     Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell!
+
+
+One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side of the canal!
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me that I can proceed no
+further, and must therefore submit the rights of my heathen client
+solely to your Christian mercy."
+
+The effect produced by Tony Belton's speech was extraordinary. Shouts of
+laughter burst from the spectators and the jury. Indeed, some of the
+latter were so overcome with merriment that they rolled from their
+benches upon the grass; the tears streaming from their eyes, and their
+whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter.
+
+"Where is Mr. Pate?" cried Simon Rump, when the tumult had, in some
+degree, subsided. "Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! Where is Mr. Pate?"
+
+"Yonder he goes!" said a boy. "Great golly! ain't he riding!"
+
+"Go fetch him back! Go fetch him back!" cried Rump.
+
+"It would take Flying Childers to catch that old white horse!" said one
+of Rump's neighbors. "Your lawyer has gone, and you will now have to
+make a speech yourself."
+
+"My lawyer has run away! I am ruined! I am ruined!" exclaimed Rump.
+
+"Mount my horse, and ride after your attorney," said the sheriff, his
+sides shaking with laughter. "Make haste, Mr. Rump! The jury are waiting
+to hear his argument in reply to Mr. Belton."
+
+Simon Rump shook his head in despair. Rendered frantic by the ridicule
+of his merciless adversary, his attorney had rushed wildly from the
+scene of his discomfiture, mounted his horse, and galloped away, and
+poor Rump was left _inops consilii_.
+
+"Mr. Rump," said the sheriff, "the jury have requested me to inform you
+that they are ready to hear anything which you have to say. You are
+entitled to the closing argument."
+
+"I can't make a speech," said Rump; "and my lawyer has run away."
+
+"Then the case is submitted for the decision of the jury without further
+argument," said the sheriff.
+
+Rump mournfully nodded his head in acquiescence. Whereupon the twelve
+peers arose from their seats, and walked aside in consultation. They
+soon returned, and rendered a verdict for the defendant. Rump had to pay
+the costs, which amounted to one hundred dollars. He pulled out his
+pocket-book, and handed ninety dollars to the sheriff.
+
+"Ten dollars more," said the sheriff.
+
+"Mr. Pate will pay the other ten dollars," said Simon.
+
+"How so?" asked the sheriff.
+
+"He was to get one-tenth of the money recovered," said Rump.
+
+"Well?"
+
+"As we have lost the case, he should pay one-tenth of the costs."
+
+"That is strictly in accordance with the principles of law applicable to
+copartnerships,--is it not, Mr. Seddon?" said the Professor.
+
+"Certainly," said Tom; "profits and losses must be in proportion to the
+interest which each partner has in the firm."
+
+The sheriff thought otherwise, and Rump reluctantly paid the whole
+amount; saying that he would sue M. T. Pate for the ten dollars paid on
+his account. A few days afterwards he actually brought suit before
+Justice Johnson, who rendered a judgment against M. T. Pate for ten
+dollars and costs.
+
+Simon Rump went home a melancholy man. As he entered his door he was met
+by the mother of the cherubs, who threw her arms around his neck and
+embraced him with connubial fondness.
+
+"Oh, Simon, my love, I am so glad you have come back! There is a
+brand-new carriage in Mapleton now offered for sale. It will just suit
+us. Have they paid all the money? How much have you got?"
+
+Simon Rump was silent.
+
+"How much money have you brought home with you?" asked Simon's angel.
+
+"Not one cent," said Simon, sadly. "I went away this morning with one
+hundred dollars in my pocket-book, and now it is empty. I had to pay
+some money for Mr. Pate."
+
+"But Mr. Pate will pay it back to you out of the three thousand
+dollars," said the angel.
+
+"No he won't," said Simon.
+
+"Yes he will," said the angel. "Mr. Pate is a good man. He reads the
+prayers in church."
+
+"I'll sue him," said Simon.
+
+"What?"
+
+"I'll sue M. T. Pate for ten dollars," said Simon, savagely.
+
+"Sue your own lawyer?" exclaimed the mother of the cherubs. "Your own
+lawyer, who has made a great speech, and gained our case?"
+
+"He didn't gain our case,--he lost it."
+
+"Lost our case?" screamed the angel. "Simon Rump, you don't mean to say
+that Pate lost our case?"
+
+"That's just what happened," said Simon Rump.
+
+"Did he make a speech?"
+
+"He made a speech, and then he ran away."
+
+"What made him run away?"
+
+"He got scared," said Simon.
+
+"What did he say in his speech?"
+
+"He talked to the jury about you, and me, and the children."
+
+"What did Pate say about me?"
+
+"He called you venerable."
+
+"What?"
+
+"He called you Simon Rump's venerable wife."
+
+"Me? Me?"
+
+"Yes, you," said Simon. "He called you venerable several times."
+
+"Several times?"
+
+"Yes, four or five times."
+
+"Said so to the jury?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"What did you do?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Simon Rump, you are a brute!" said the angel.
+
+"But, my duck," said Simon, "I could not----"
+
+"Don't call me your duck! Duck, indeed! Simon Rump, you are a brute! You
+have no feeling. What! stand there and hear that bald-headed booby call
+me venerable! Well, I'll give Mr. Pate a piece of my mind. Venerable!
+venerable!" And the mother of the cherubs rushed from the room in a
+state of unangelic excitement, while Simon Rump seated himself in his
+big arm-chair and looked doleful and desolate.
+
+On the following morning as M. T. Pate sat on his porch, brooding over
+the humiliation of his defeat, a sable son of Africa rode up and handed
+him a letter. He opened it and read as follows:
+
+
+     "Mr. M. T. PATE,--Simon has told me that in your speech to the jury
+     you several times called me venerable. No wonder you lost our case!
+     for after such a whopper about me it was not likely that a single
+     man on the jury would believe one word you might say. How dare you
+     call a decent woman like me venerable? I am not so venerable as you
+     yourself, with your big head almost bare of hair outside and
+     altogether bare of brains inside.
+
+     "You ran away because you were afraid to look twelve honest men in
+     the face after what you had said about me. You may have better luck
+     when you have learned to tell the truth. No more at present.
+
+     "ABIGAIL RUMP."
+
+
+This letter, though mortifying at the time, was afterwards of essential
+service to M. T. Pate. He perceived that adjectives suggestive of
+personal qualities were often, like edged tools, to be used with extreme
+caution, especially in their application to the female sex; and that the
+equanimity even of the mother of seven sweet little cherubs might be
+seriously disturbed by an indiscreet use of the word venerable.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate made an astonishing speech," said the Professor to Toney and
+Tom, the day after the trial; "such a speech as has been seldom listened
+to by any audience,--a speech that was unanswerable by argument."
+
+"And Toney knew it," said Tom, "and did not attempt to answer it by
+argument."
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "was like a wild Indian, dodging around and
+aiming his arrows at Pate, who had come on the ground with a heavy piece
+of artillery."
+
+"Why do you compare me to a savage?" said Toney.
+
+"Because you use merciless weapons," said the Professor. "Civilized men
+do not employ the scalping-knife and tomahawk."
+
+"Nor did I," said Toney.
+
+"Figuratively and metaphorically speaking, you did," said the Professor.
+"You brought into the field of forensic controversy a most barbarous and
+cruel weapon."
+
+"What was that?" asked Toney.
+
+"Ridicule," said the Professor. "It may be termed the oratorical
+scalping-knife. Why, sir, Demosthenes, with all his thunder, would have
+been powerless against it. Now, M. T. Pate, though not equal to the
+great Athenian, is an eloquent man. He drew tears from Mr. Seddon, who
+wept profusely over the wrongs of Simon Rump, and his venerable wife,
+and innocent little ones. But of what avail is the most touching pathos
+and sublime eloquence when met by ridicule? Do you not recollect what
+the poet and philosopher Pope says on this subject?"
+
+"I do not," said Toney.
+
+"Let an ambassador," says he, "speak the best sense in the world and
+deport himself in the most graceful manner before a prince, yet if the
+tail of his shirt happen (as I have known it to happen to a very wise
+man) to hang out behind, more people will laugh at that than attend to
+the other."
+
+"That is as true as a text from Holy Writ," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"It is a truth, Mr. Seddon, by no means creditable to the good sense of
+mankind, as we have seen in the case of the learned, eloquent, but
+unlucky M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Pate's unfortunate allusion to
+the prospective division of families, resulting from the construction of
+the canal, afforded an opportunity for ridicule, and the great beauty
+and eloquence of his speech were lost sight of the very moment the
+audience beheld Tony Belton's finger pointing to the visible protrusion
+of his nether garment."
+
+"Pate rode away at a terrific speed," said Seddon. "I have not heard of
+him since. If he has unfortunately broken his neck, Toney Belton will be
+answerable for the awful catastrophe."
+
+"No responsibility can possibly attach to me," said Toney. "You are
+entirely mistaken in reference to the cause of his abrupt departure. Mr.
+Pate had promised to make a speech in behalf of Simon Rump. He did make
+a speech, and then, looking at his watch, he hurried away; for he had
+more important business on hand than any which lawyers have to transact.
+He was to preside at a committee. The hour for its meeting had nearly
+arrived, and hence he was compelled to make a liberal use of whip and
+spur."
+
+"A committee!" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"What committee?" asked the Professor.
+
+"A committee composed of several of the most distinguished members of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts," said Toney.
+
+"What is its object?" asked the Professor.
+
+"A tournament," said Toney.
+
+"A what?" exclaimed Seddon.
+
+"A tournament," said Toney. "To M. T. Pate belongs the distinguished
+honor of being the originator of a tournament in this age and country."
+
+"How did such an extraordinary idea ever enter his head?" said Seddon.
+
+"Great men," said Toney, "are often led to important discoveries by
+certain phenomena, which, to ordinary minds, are devoid of significance.
+Suppose you, Tom Seddon, had been sitting under an apple-tree, instead
+of Newton, and an apple had fallen and hit you on the head; what would
+you have done?"
+
+"Scratched my cocoanut," said Tom.
+
+"In the situation supposed," said the Professor, "it is highly probable
+that Mr. Seddon would first have vigorously titillated the top of his
+head, and then picked up the pippin and devoured it."
+
+"It was not so with the great Newton," said Toney. "The sudden shock
+which his cranium received awakened an idea, and that idea expanded into
+a magnificent system of philosophy. And so it was with M. T. Pate."
+
+"Did Pate sit under an apple-tree?" asked Tom.
+
+"No," said Toney; "it was a cherry-tree. He was seated on the greensward
+under its shade, when his attention was attracted to the curious pranks
+of a couple of urchins. They had paper caps on their heads with the
+tail-feathers of a rooster stuck in their crowns. Pate heard one of the
+little fellows say, 'I'll be Bonaparte,' and his companion immediately
+rejoined that he was Wellington. The illustrious Napoleon was armed with
+a bean-pole, and the Iron Duke held in his hand the fragment of a
+fishing-rod. After marching and countermarching, and performing many
+difficult evolutions, the martial enthusiasm of Napoleon finally rose to
+such a pitch that he could no longer restrain himself. As impetuously as
+when he was leading his valiant legions over the bridge of Lodi, he
+charged upon Wellington, and, before the latter could parry the thrust,
+inserted the end of the bean-pole in his mouth, to the no small damage
+of his ivory. The hero of Waterloo having his mouth thus unexpectedly
+opened, gave utterance to a cry which was, by no means, so warlike as
+might have been anticipated. It had the effect to bring a certain
+belligerent dame to the door, who had thus got an intimation that
+hostilities had actually commenced between Bonaparte and Wellington. She
+sallied forth, and seizing upon the illustrious Napoleon, she laid him
+over her lap, and gave him what, in the technical phraseology of the
+nursery, is termed a good spanking. Poor Bonaparte bellowed lustily
+under the operation, and as soon as he had escaped from the hands of his
+ruthless captor, went and sat on the sill of the door and sobbed
+sorrowfully over his disgrace. All his martial enthusiasm had been
+suddenly quenched. 'No sound could awake him to glory again,' and for
+the space of one whole hour he indignantly refused to eat even
+gingerbread."
+
+"I can sympathize with poor Bonaparte," said the Professor, "for I was
+once the unhappy victim of a similar misfortune in days gone by, when I
+was not much taller than a gooseberry-bush. I had been diligently
+perusing that good old book, the Pilgrim's Progress, and under the
+delusion that I was the valiant Great-heart, I assaulted an urchin who
+was supposed to be Giant Despair. I overcame the giant, and was
+imprisoned in the pantry, and afterwards tried, and convicted, and
+sentenced to undergo the cruel ordeal of a tough twig for a forcible
+entry into sundry jars of jelly. But what impression did the fall of
+Napoleon make upon the mind of M. T. Pate?"
+
+"While meditating upon this event, an idea entered his head, which
+ultimately led to an important discovery. His wonderful sagacity enabled
+him to perceive that if a little boy could be Bonaparte, a little man
+might impersonate any hero of whom history makes mention."
+
+"Even Jack the Giant-killer," suggested Tom Seddon.
+
+"If," said Toney, "the unlucky urchin, who had been spanked by his
+indignant mamma, could arm himself with a bean-pole, and assault Lord
+Wellington with such vigor and impetuosity, could not a number of
+delicate and dainty youths be mounted on diminutive horses, and
+represent Richard the Lion-hearted, or Ivanhoe, or any of the
+mail-covered barons whose valorous deeds are immortalized in the pages
+of Froissart or of Walter Scott?"
+
+"Is it meant that the Dainty Adorer or the Winsome Wooer could do this?"
+asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"So thought M. T. Pate," said Toney.
+
+"What would be the effect of a moderate blow from the ponderous fist of
+one of the aforesaid barons on the head of little Love?" inquired Tom.
+
+"Immediate work for the undertaker," answered the Professor.
+
+"Or suppose," said Tom, "that Dove was spanked by Richard, as was the
+little boy by his mother?"
+
+"He would be crushed like a pepper-corn pounded by a pestle in a
+mortar," remarked the Professor.
+
+"And," said Seddon, "the immense load of iron and steel carried by one
+of the knights at the tournament of Ashby-de-la-Zouch, where three
+combatants were killed, one smothered in his armor, and thirty wounded,
+if put upon Bliss----"
+
+"Would cause the dainty creature to think of Pelion piled upon Ossa,"
+observed the Professor.
+
+"But," said Toney, "Pate was well acquainted with the wonder-working
+powers of the imagination, and knew that with the aid of this faculty he
+could easily induce young maidens, who were diligent students of
+romance, to believe that the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and the
+Winsome Wooer, mounted on ponies, and flourishing long poles, were
+valorous knights, armed for the performance of doughty deeds; just as
+the unsophisticated birds are made to imagine that the effigies placed
+by a farmer around his cornfield are the dangerous and destructive
+bipeds in whose images they have been cunningly fashioned."
+
+"You now perceive, Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "in what various
+aspects the same subject will be contemplated by different minds. Mr.
+Pate is a man of an original and sublime genius, and entertains ideas
+which would never enter into either your head or mine."
+
+"But," said Tom, "what did he do with his grand idea?"
+
+"Having thoroughly elaborated it," said Toney, "he called a meeting of
+the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts and made known his important
+discovery. The announcement was received with acclamations of applause,
+and the projected tournament pronounced worthy of the illustrious
+founder of their noble order. A committee was appointed, composed of the
+Prince of Pretty Fellows, the Noble Nonentity, the Dainty Adorer, and
+the Winsome Wooer, with the Noble Grand Gander himself as chairman; and
+upon this dignified body was devolved the onerous duty of developing all
+the details of the intended tourney. Numerous meetings were held by the
+committee, and many discussions ensued. Books of chivalry and romance
+were referred to, and the Chronicles of Froissart diligently perused.
+But by far the highest authority on the subject was the novel of
+Ivanhoe, in which the most graphic and intelligible account of a
+tournament was to be found. But when Pate read to the committee Walter
+Scott's description of the passage of arms at Ashby----"
+
+"I remember it well!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, enthusiastically. "How the
+knights met in the encounter,--how the lances were shivered, the
+powerful steeds thrown back on their haunches, and many combatants
+hurled from their saddles by the terrible shock,--how Richard assailed
+the gigantic Front de Boeuf, and struck down horse and rider at a
+single blow, and then, wresting the battle-axe from the hands of the
+bulky Athelstane, dashed him senseless to the ground! It is sublime! it
+is magnificent!"
+
+"What effect did the reading of this description by Walter Scott, which
+has so aroused the enthusiasm of Mr. Seddon, produce on the committee?"
+asked the Professor.
+
+"Every member of the committee turned pale," said Toney. "Bliss trembled
+and was silent; while Love loudly exclaimed that he would not take part
+in any such performance, and Dove said that indeed it was too
+dangerous."
+
+"But the ultimate result?" said the Professor.
+
+"The panic produced by the reading of this passage from Ivanhoe was so
+great," said Toney, "that it nearly caused an abandonment of their
+intention to hold a tournament. The committee adjourned to meet on the
+following day for further deliberation. M. T. Pate went home and passed
+a sleepless night in profound meditation."
+
+"One might suppose," said the Professor, "that the activity of his mind
+would have enabled him to surmount the difficulty which had presented
+itself. Could he not recollect that in the encounter between Napoleon
+and Wellington, neither of them had used artillery or any of the deadly
+weapons employed in modern warfare? If these illustrious heroes could
+dispense with fire-arms, why could not Richard and Ivanhoe get along
+very well without their heavy defensive armor and ponderous swords and
+battle-axes?"
+
+"That was precisely the conclusion arrived at by M. T. Pate in his
+nocturnal meditations," said Toney. "He perceived that the whole danger
+of a tournament might be avoided by mounting his knights on small
+horses, with chicken-feathers in their caps, and long poles in their
+hands; when, instead of charging at each other, they could, in
+succession, charge at a mark in the shape of a ring; and he who was the
+most expert in thrusting his pole through the ring, could be proclaimed
+the victorious champion, entitled to crown the Queen of Love and
+Beauty."
+
+"It is to be hoped," said the Professor, "that this grand idea entered
+the mind of M. T. Pate cautiously and on tiptoe. If it rushed in
+unannounced, like a daring intruder, there was danger of its upsetting
+all the furniture, and disturbing him as much as was Archimedes when he
+leaped out of the bath exclaiming, 'Eureka! eureka!'"
+
+"Pate jumped out of bed," said Toney, "and danced over the floor,
+exclaiming, 'I have got it! I have got it!' His old housekeeper, who had
+been fast asleep in an adjoining apartment, was aroused by these loud
+cries, and thinking that there were robbers in the house, ran to the
+window and commenced shrieking, 'Help! help! help! murder! murder!
+murder!' with the whole strength of her lungs."
+
+"Now, here was a fuss in the family," said Seddon. "What did Pate do to
+quell this disturbance?"
+
+"He called to her in loud and angry tones, and ordered her to cease her
+frightful outcries. But the more loudly he called, the more loudly the
+old woman bawled, and finally four or five neighbors came running to the
+house armed with axes and pitchforks. These men, hearing the cries of
+murder from the old woman, and Pate's angry voice in denunciation, under
+the impression that the latter had gone crazy and was about to commit a
+homicide, broke down the door, and, rushing in, seized him and threw him
+upon the floor, and bound him fast with the bedcords. The housekeeper,
+when she heard the men rushing into the house, was convinced that
+robbers had possession; and, in the utmost terror, the poor creature
+fled down a back stairway and out the door, and ran across a field until
+she entered a forest, where she fell down in a state of insensibility."
+
+"But what did the men do with their prisoner?" said Seddon.
+
+"Pate being bound with cords now conducted himself like a furious
+maniac. He raved, and swore, and kicked, and foamed at the mouth, and
+endeavored to bite his captors with his teeth. But he was held down on
+the floor by two stalwart farmers, while the others consulted together;
+and the unanimous opinion was that so dangerous and murderous a lunatic
+should be immediately confined in a hospital. A horse was harnessed to a
+cart, and they put Pate, securely bound with cords, in the bottom of the
+vehicle, and while one drove, the others walked alongside, with their
+axes and pitchforks on their shoulders, and thus conveyed him to a
+lunatic asylum situated a few miles from Mapleton."
+
+"It is under the superintendence of Dr. Mowbray," said Seddon. "I know
+him well."
+
+"Dr. Mowbray was awakened by the farmers loudly calling at the door.
+'What do you want?' said he, putting his head out the window.
+
+"'We've got a crazy man here,' said Farmer Brown, 'and want to get him
+off our hands. Come down, doctor, and take him in.'
+
+"The doctor dressed himself and came down. 'Here he is,' said Farmer
+Jones. 'He is as mad as the moon can make a man!'
+
+"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' exclaimed Pate, in the bottom of the
+cart.
+
+"'He is talking poetry,' said Brown. 'I heard my little boy speak that
+at school.'
+
+"'My men,' said the doctor, 'whom have you got here? Why, it is Mr.
+Pate! When did he go mad?'
+
+"'I am not mad! I am not mad!' piteously exclaimed poor Pate.
+
+"'Don't you hear that, doctor?' said Jones. 'He is as crazy as an old
+cow with a wolf in her back!'
+
+"'Who sent him here?' asked the doctor.
+
+"The farmers now told their story.
+
+"'My men,' said the doctor, 'I fear that you have acted without
+sufficient authority. Let me talk to Mr. Pate.'
+
+"After a conversation with the unhappy captive, the doctor told his
+captors that they had better go home and attend to their own business;
+that Pate was not crazy, and might have every one of them prosecuted for
+a burglarious entry into his house in the night-time. When the farmers
+heard this they fled with precipitation, leaving their captive in the
+hands of the doctor, who unbound him and treated him kindly, and, after
+breakfast, loaned him a horse, on which he rode back to his home."
+
+"What did Pate do after he was declared sane by the doctor and released
+from captivity?" asked the Professor.
+
+"He proceeded with his preparations for the tournament," said Toney.
+"His views in relation to tilting at a ring were unanimously approved by
+the committee; though the Noble Nonentity suggested, that as the weather
+would be very sultry, each knight should be allowed to carry an umbrella
+to protect himself from the heat of the sun. This prudent suggestion,
+intended to guard against the danger of _coup de soleil_, is still under
+consideration, and is a matter yet to be decided by the committee, to
+meet which was the cause of Pate's hurried departure on yesterday."
+
+"When does the tournament come off?" asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"Next Monday," said Toney. "Tom, you must be here on that day."
+
+"I most certainly will," said Tom.
+
+"And I, too," said the Professor.
+
+"Are you going back with Tom?" asked Toney.
+
+"I intend to return to Bella Vista for the purpose of protecting Mr.
+Seddon from Dr. Bull, if that eminent physician should undertake to make
+any more experiments in phlebotomy," said the Professor. "But I will be
+here on the day of the tourney. Good-by, Toney."
+
+"Good-by, Charley; good-by, Tom," said Toney, shaking hands with his two
+friends, who proceeded to the cars, and took passage for Bella Vista.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+
+Intense excitement prevailed in the community when the day for the
+tournament arrived. The governor of the State was expected to be present
+with his military staff, the adjutant-general, and other distinguished
+personages. It was anticipated that the array of beauty would be
+immense; and, for a week anterior to the eventful day, each fair maiden
+had held frequent consultations with her mirror, in order to ascertain
+whether there was a probability that she might have the high honor of
+being crowned Queen of Love and Beauty by some valorous and victorious
+knight.
+
+Tom Seddon and the Professor had arrived on the preceding evening from
+Bella Vista. Tom was now supremely happy, for Ida Somers had temporarily
+escaped from the supervision of her cynical uncle, and was the guest of
+the Widow Wild. The Professor told Toney that when Tom heard that Ida
+had gone to Mapleton to attend the tournament, he could hardly content
+himself to wait for the next train, but wanted to be off like a pyrite
+of iron after the magnet; and that, when on the cars, he was continually
+complaining of the sluggishness of the iron horse, which failed to go
+faster than twenty miles in an hour.
+
+Tom escorted the beautiful Ida to the ground, who bestowed on her
+escort many a smile, and furtively glanced at his face, radiant with
+happiness, and came to the conclusion that Tom was a very handsome
+fellow; but would not for the world have permitted anybody to know that
+such was her decided opinion.
+
+Toney walked behind Ida and Tom, with Rosabel by his side, while the
+Professor had the Widow Wild under his protection. They were soon
+comfortably seated, and cast their eyes around to survey the scene
+before them.
+
+"Who are those military gentlemen standing in a line in front of their
+horses?" said Rosabel to Toney.
+
+"Those are the knights," said Toney. "The big man on the right is
+Richard."
+
+"Who is Richard?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Richard the Lion-hearted," said Toney.
+
+"Why, he looks like Mr. Pate," said Ida.
+
+"Richard and Pate are one and the same person to-day," said Toney. "M.
+T. Pate is now Richard Plantagenet, Miss Somers; and if he should prove
+victorious in the lists he may crown you Queen of Love and Beauty."
+
+Tom Seddon was silent, but he gazed at Richard with a look of savage
+ferocity, which reminded the Professor of the expression of his
+countenance just after he had been bled by Doctor Bull.
+
+"The knight standing next to Mr. Pate, who is he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Ivanhoe," said Toney.
+
+"It is Mr. Wiggins," said Ida.
+
+"Formerly Mr. Wiggins, now the son of Cedric,--the disinherited knight,
+the valiant Ivanhoe."
+
+"And the little man whose head hardly reaches to his horse's mane? How
+in the world will he ever mount?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Oh, never fear. His esquire will help him on his horse. He is a Knight
+Templar," said Toney.
+
+"What is his name?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Brian de Bois Guilbert," said Toney.
+
+"It is Little Love," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"And the one next to him is Dove," said the widow.
+
+"Formerly Dove, but now Athelstane the Saxon," said Toney. "He is a
+knight of great prowess, and has royal blood in his veins."
+
+"And the other little man standing in front of the black horse, who is
+he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Why, that is Bliss," said the widow.
+
+"No longer Bliss," said Toney, "but the accomplished and gallant Maurice
+de Bracy."
+
+"And Ned Botts and Sam Perch," said the widow, "who have they become?"
+
+"Those two gentlemen," said Toney, "have selected their designations
+from localities to which they are strongly attached and desire to honor
+by their valorous deeds of knighthood. Mr. Botts, who formerly resided
+in a village where each householder was required by an immemorial custom
+to keep at least six of the canine species, whose barking and howling at
+night were supposed to be good for persons afflicted with typhoid fever,
+calls himself the Knight of Cunopolis."
+
+"Cunopolis!" said Ida. "Oh, what a pretty name!"
+
+"It is composed of two Greek words," said the Professor.
+
+"What is the signification?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Dog Town," said the Professor.
+
+"Dog Town! Oh, horrid!" said Ida.
+
+"Mr. Botts is the Knight of Cunopolis, or Dog Town," said Toney.
+
+"And Perch?" asked the widow.
+
+"The father of that young man," said Toney, "had heard that N. P.
+Willis, while residing in Wyoming Valley, had named his place Glenmary
+in compliment to his wife, and in honor of his own wife has named his
+place Glenbetsy. So Perch is the valorous Knight of Glenbetsy."
+
+"Glenmary is a very beautiful name," said Ida.
+
+"And so is Glenbetsy," said the Professor.
+
+"Tastes may differ," said Toney.
+
+"Mr. Belton," said the widow, "what is Barney Bates doing there--holding
+that horse?"
+
+"He is esquire to Richard Plantagenet," said Toney. "Each one of those
+boys is esquire to a gallant knight, and holds his horse until the
+champion is ready to mount."
+
+"Barney is a bad boy," said the widow.
+
+"Indeed, he is a bad boy!" said Rosabel.
+
+"The only harm I ever knew Barney to do," said Toney, "was to turn a
+tavern-keeper's sign upside down, and when Boniface came out in the
+morning, he beheld an Irishman standing on his head before the door
+trying to read the letters which were inverted."
+
+"He tied bells to my horse's tail," said the widow.
+
+"He did worse than that," said Rosabel.
+
+"What was it?" said Toney.
+
+"Why," said Rosabel, "some pious people were engaged in holding a
+prayer-meeting, and he tied a bundle of firecrackers behind an unlucky
+cur and applied a torch."
+
+"Oh, I recollect!" said Toney, laughing. "The demented dog ran into the
+midst of the meeting, carrying terror and confusion wherever he went.
+The worthy minister said that he saw the hand of Satan in this trick;
+and ever since that time Barney has been supposed, by good people, to
+act by the instigation of that great designer of mischief."
+
+"That boy will play some trick on those knights," said the widow.
+
+"Why, mother," said Rosabel, "how can he? They have him right before
+their eyes."
+
+"Never mind," said the widow. "Mark what I say. Barney will play some
+trick on the knights."
+
+"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"Oh, splendid!" cried Ida.
+
+"Who is he?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The governor of the State," said Toney.
+
+"What a noble horse he is riding!" said Rosabel.
+
+"And what a beautiful uniform he has on!" said Ida.
+
+"Who is the fat man riding on his right?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The adjutant-general," said Toney.
+
+"And these other gentlemen?" asked Ida.
+
+"His military staff," said Toney.
+
+The governor and his staff, in gorgeous uniforms and magnificently
+mounted, rode over the ground, and halting in front of the knights, who
+were standing in a line, each by the side of his steed, his Excellency
+addressed them in a brief but eloquent and impressive speech. He told
+them that this was a great occasion, and that the eyes of fair women and
+brave men were fixed upon them; and urged them to comport themselves as
+chivalrous and valiant knights. His Excellency, amidst loud applause,
+then retired to the extremity of the lists, where he gracefully sat on
+his horse, a few paces in advance of his staff, with the
+adjutant-general on his right.
+
+The valiant champions now proceeded to mount. It devolved on Richard to
+make the first tilt at the ring. The Marshal blew a trumpet, and
+exclaimed, in a loud voice, "_Preux chevaliers! faites vous devoirs!_"
+Richard leveled his pole and was about to make an impetuous charge at
+the ring, when Old Whitey began to kick up behind, and becoming
+unmanageable, ran off in the direction of the governor and his staff.
+Richard still held his pole horizontally, and had not his Excellency
+skillfully handled his horse, he would have been hurled from his saddle.
+As it was, the unfortunate adjutant-general received the shock. The end
+of the pole struck him fair on the breast, and down he went in the dust;
+for who could withstand the terrible charge of Richard the Lion-hearted?
+
+Having unhorsed the adjutant-general, on went the indomitable Richard,
+scattering the crowds, until he suddenly left the lists, and was seen
+dashing down the road, with his pole still poised, and his horse kicking
+up his heels and casting clouds of dust behind him.
+
+Just then Ida uttered a shriek as Love was thrown over the head of his
+horse and fell at her feet.
+
+"Pick Love up!" exclaimed the widow.
+
+"Oh--oh--oh, mercy!" screamed Rosabel, as Bliss came charging towards
+her; and his horse, rearing and kicking, hurled the rider over his head
+and almost deposited Bliss in the young lady's lap.
+
+"Look out for Dove, ladies!" exclaimed Toney, as Dove took flight from
+the back of his horse and fell at the feet of the fair candidates for
+the crown.
+
+"Gracious heavens! look yonder!" cried the widow.
+
+All eyes were turned in the direction indicated.
+
+The other knights, emulating the example of their illustrious leader,
+were charging the governor's staff. The Knight of Cunopolis headed the
+onset; and after dismounting two captains and one colonel, the three
+valorous knights, with an amazing clatter of hoofs, went off after
+Richard the Lion-hearted.
+
+His Excellency was astounded at this novel manner of conducting a
+tournament; but, being admirably mounted and fond of excitement, he
+galloped off with a portion of his staff in pursuit of the fugitive
+knights. About a mile on the road his horse leaped over Ivanhoe, who had
+sought repose on the bosom of his mother earth. Farther on the valorous
+Knight of Glenbetsy was seen floundering among the frogs in a pond of
+water. They now came in sight of the Knight of Cunopolis, who was going
+along at a furious speed, still carrying his pole in his hand, when down
+went his horse in a gully. Leaving one of his staff to assist the fallen
+hero, on went his Excellency in pursuit of Richard the Lion-hearted.
+Reaching the top of an eminence, he beheld Richard on his white charger
+riding along at a terrific speed. His Excellency, who was a famous
+fox-hunter, now stood in his stirrups and shouted, "Tallyho! tallyho!"
+and then applied whip and spur with redoubled vigor.
+
+They soon crossed a stream which formed the boundary of two counties.
+
+Richard was now hidden from their view by an angle in the road; and when
+their panting and foam-covered horses had galloped another mile, they
+beheld him lying on the ground by the side of his gallant charger. Old
+Whitey had fallen, thoroughly exhausted; and Richard, dismounted at
+last, now lay in the road, gasping for breath, but still grasping his
+long pole.
+
+When he had been restored to consciousness, his Excellency complimented
+him on his admirable horsemanship, and said that the chase had afforded
+him fully as much enjoyment as he had ever found in the most exciting
+fox-hunt.
+
+In the afternoon of the same day, as Rosabel and Ida were seated on the
+porch of the Widow Wild's mansion, in company with Toney and Tom, they
+beheld, on the road leading to Mapleton, a procession of people on
+horseback following a carriage, in which were seated a Caucasian and an
+African.
+
+"What is that?" said Rosabel. "It looks like a funeral."
+
+"Nothing like a funeral," said Toney, who had applied an opera-glass to
+his eye.
+
+"What can it be?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"A triumphal procession in honor of Richard Plantagenet," said Toney.
+"The governor and his staff are conducting him back to the town.
+Richard's chariot is driven by an Ethiopian, and another African is
+leading his white charger, which seems much exhausted."
+
+"I do wonder what made those horses run away with the knights?" said
+Rosabel.
+
+"We have made the discovery," said the widow, coming on the porch in
+company with the Professor. "It was just as I had predicted. That Barney
+Bates was at the bottom of the mischief."
+
+"What did he do?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Why," said the Professor, "in anticipation of the tournament, Barney
+had procured pieces of leather perforated by a number of long and sharp
+tacks, the points of which were carefully covered by other pieces of
+thinner leather, so arranged that it required the weight of the rider to
+cause the tacks to pierce through. Bates had seduced the other boys from
+their allegiance to their respective knights, and under each saddle was
+one of these cruel instruments of torture, ready to give the steed great
+agony as soon as the valiant knight had mounted."
+
+"And that caused the horses to kick up and run off?" said Ida.
+
+"That was undoubtedly the cause of their extraordinary excitement," said
+the Professor.
+
+"I wonder what has become of Love?" said Ida.
+
+"He fell at your feet," said Toney.
+
+"And Bliss?" said Rosabel.
+
+"Bliss endeavored to bestow himself on you," said Toney.
+
+"Indeed, he was very near falling in Rosabel's lap," said the widow.
+
+"And what did they do with Dove?" asked Ida.
+
+"Ladies," said the Professor, "I have made inquiry, and can answer your
+questions. Those three gallant knights were carried from the lists to
+the town. No bones had been broken, but their nerves were terribly
+shattered. They were conducted to a chamber in the hotel, and strong
+tonics brought from the bar and skillfully administered by the landlord.
+At this very moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss are snugly sleeping in the
+same bed, and probably dreaming of future fields of glory."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+
+In the society of the beautiful Ida, Tom Seddon passed seven days of
+rapture. Every morning and evening he was at the mansion of the Widow
+Wild, and had eyes and ears for nobody but Ida. The Professor informed
+Toney that in their walks homeward by moonlight, Tom was usually as
+silent as a man who had a difficult problem in his head for solution,
+and that on several occasions, when he had endeavored to engage him in
+conversation, he had started from a reverie, and exclaimed, "Indeed,
+Miss Ida, what you say is very true."
+
+"He mistook you for Ida?" asked Toney.
+
+"To be sure he did," said the Professor. "Mistook me for a young lady.
+Is it not a pretty piece of business for the founder of the sect of
+Funny Philosophers to have the imagination of one of his disciples
+clothing him in petticoats? Toney, tell me, candidly, do I look like
+Ida?"
+
+"Not much, I must confess," said Toney, laughing. "But Ida's image is
+impressed on Tom's organ of vision, and when he looks at you the image
+aforesaid is dancing in the intervening space."
+
+"And so he mistakes me for the young lady. Tom Seddon is getting to be
+really disagreeable," said the Professor. "During the day, when Ida is
+not present, he is as absent-minded as was ever old Sir Isaac Newton;
+and at night, as we occupy the same room in the hotel, I am annoyed by
+his somniloquism."
+
+"What does he say?" asked Toney.
+
+"I cannot comprehend his incoherent mutterings, but sometimes hear 'Ida,
+Ida,' articulated with tender emphasis. I do wish that Tom would get out
+of Doubting Castle."
+
+"What sort of a place is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"A place in which all young ladies compel their lovers to dwell for a
+period, either long or short, according to their whim or caprice. I have
+known some maidens, who looked as meek and gentle as the doves that
+cooed in the garden of Eden in the days of primeval innocence, exhibit
+as much cruelty to their captives as did Old Giant Despair to the poor
+Pilgrims who had fallen into his hands. Indeed, I have known some lovers
+held in Doubting Castle for years."
+
+"Do you think that Tom's term of imprisonment will be of long duration?"
+
+"I think not. Ida's uncle is opposed to Tom's suit, is he not?"
+
+"Oh, very much. He puts almost insuperable barriers between Tom and Ida.
+He sometimes chases Tom out of his house by pretending to have a fit of
+canine rabies."
+
+"This opposition on the part of the old Cerberus will be the means of
+soon liberating Tom from Doubting Castle."
+
+"How so?"
+
+"As I said on a former occasion, women are like pigs: if you try to head
+them off they will give a squeal and bolt by you, and travel the very
+road you didn't want them to go. Old Crabstick will soon find this out.
+Tom Seddon will not long remain in Doubting Castle."
+
+"Yonder he comes now," said Toney.
+
+"He is out of the Castle,--I know it," said the Professor.
+
+"What makes you think so?"
+
+"Look at how he walks. His head is up. His step is as light as if his
+feet were feathers. Yesterday he held his head down, as if he were
+calculating the distance to the antipodes, and walked as if he had a
+large quantity of lead in the bottom of his boots. I'll bet that he
+don't call me Miss Ida after to-day."
+
+Tom Seddon approached them with his face radiant with smiles. He took
+Toney by the hand and shook it energetically. He then seized the
+Professor by both hands and gave him a violent shaking.
+
+"It is a beautiful day," said Tom.
+
+"It is always so," said the Professor, "after----"
+
+"After what?" asked Tom.
+
+"After the sun comes from behind the clouds," said the Professor.
+
+"Toney, my dear fellow, I want to speak to you," said Tom, taking Toney
+by the arm and leading him aside.
+
+"I knew it," muttered the Professor to himself. "The gates of Doubting
+Castle are wide open. He is out. How happy he looks! I wonder if it
+always makes a man feel so happy? I wish I could find Dora. I'd risk
+another negative."
+
+Tom told Toney his secret. He had walked with Ida in the Widow Wild's
+garden, and had told the young lady how---- But this ought not to be
+repeated. He and Ida had exchanged vows of eternal fidelity, and Miss
+Somers had promised to become Mrs. Seddon at some future period not yet
+clearly designated. This was a profound secret between Toney and Tom,
+and the latter was confident that the Professor did not even guess at
+it, as was evident from the very grave manner with which he remarked, as
+they came where he stood,--
+
+"Toney, it is about time for me to go home and prepare for the
+exhibition. You will be there to-night?"
+
+"Yes, Tom and I will be there, and bring the ladies."
+
+The Professor proceeded to his lodging, while Toney and Tom walked to
+the residence of the Widow Wild, and sat on the porch with Rosabel and
+Ida.
+
+Joseph Boneskull, the learned phrenologist, was to make a public
+examination of heads, and, as a sort of afterpiece, the Professor had
+promised to make some experiments in biology. This he did merely as an
+amateur, and for the entertainment of his friends. The profits of the
+exhibition inured to the benefit of Boneskull.
+
+There was a large crowd gathered in the town hall of Mapleton. Toney
+and Tom escorted Ida, Rosabel, and the widow to the exhibition, and
+secured for them comfortable seats.
+
+"Who is that little man seated on the platform?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"That is the phrenologist," said Toney.
+
+"What is that thing on the table before him?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"The phrenologist informed me that it was the skull of a distinguished
+negro lawyer of Timbuctoo," said Toney.
+
+"It looks like a sheep's head," said the widow.
+
+Boneskull now arose and made a few remarks, tending to show what
+important results the science of phrenology was destined to produce;
+saying that in the administration of justice the guilt or innocence of
+parties accused of crimes could be ascertained with certainty by an
+inspection of their craniums; that men could thus know what occupation
+or calling they should pursue, and whom they should marry; remarking,
+with emphasis, that no gentleman should venture upon matrimony until he
+had first made a critical examination of the young lady's head.
+
+"What's that he says?" asked the widow.
+
+"Why, mother, he says that gentlemen should examine young ladies' heads
+when they court them," said Rosabel.
+
+"If I were a young lady," said the widow, "I would like to see any man
+come pawing about my head."
+
+Tom looked at Ida, and Ida blushed, and Tom was satisfied and willing to
+venture on matrimony without an examination of that beautiful head
+covered with long and luxuriant tresses.
+
+"What is Mr. Pate going to do?" asked Rosabel, as Pate took a seat on
+the platform.
+
+"He has presented himself for examination," said Toney.
+
+The phrenologist carefully manipulated the big bald head before him, and
+then exclaimed, with enthusiasm,--
+
+"This gentleman has a most magnificent cranium. His perceptive faculties
+are large, and so are the organs of firmness, benevolence, and
+conscientiousness; comparison is very large, and causality is immense. I
+have never met with a finer development of the reasoning faculties
+except on the skull of the distinguished lawyer of Timbuctoo, which now
+lies before me on the table. This gentleman would excel in intellectual
+pursuits, and might make a great and distinguished judge, the equal of
+Mansfield or Marshall."
+
+Pate retired from the platform a proud and happy man, and from that day
+became an enthusiastic student of the science of phrenology.
+
+Perch seated himself in the chair which he had vacated.
+
+"This gentleman," said Boneskull, "is better fitted for domestic life.
+He would be a devoted lover, and a disappointment in love might drive
+him to despair, and even suicide."
+
+Perch hastily retired, for he recollected the bottle of brandy which he
+had swallowed in a fit of desperation after his unfortunate interview
+with the beautiful Imogen in Colonel Hazlewood's garden. Love and Dove
+now seated themselves in two chairs, and were examined by Boneskull, who
+said,--
+
+"The organs of these gentlemen correspond in every particular. Each can
+sing sweetly, and either could easily win a woman's heart."
+
+"What's that?" exclaimed the widow.
+
+"Listen," said Rosabel.
+
+"They could conquer in affairs of love, and either could drive a woman
+to despair; but neither would do so, for in both the organ of
+benevolence is immensely developed."
+
+"Did you ever hear such talk?" said the widow. "Dove drive a woman to
+despair! Well, I wonder what he is going to say about Ned Botts?" said
+she, as that uncomely individual ascended the platform and seated
+himself in the chair.
+
+"Perhaps," said Boneskull, with a look of embarrassment, "you might be
+offended if I were to say what is revealed by the bumps?"
+
+"Not at all," said Botts. "Speak out."
+
+"The organ of destructiveness is very large. This man might commit----"
+
+"What?" said Botts.
+
+"Murder," said Boneskull.
+
+Botts jumped up and knocked Boneskull down, and kicked him off the
+platform.
+
+"Murder! murder! murder!" roared the phrenologist as he rolled on the
+floor among the audience.
+
+The ladies shrieked, and two constables rushed forward, and, seizing
+Botts, who was swearing vociferously, led him from the room.
+
+"Where is Boneskull?" exclaimed a man in the crowd.
+
+"Here he is under my feet," said another.
+
+The little man was lifted up and placed on the platform.
+
+"Oh, dear," said Rosabel, "he is almost murdered! Look how he is
+bleeding."
+
+Boneskull put his handkerchief to his nose, from which a crimson stream
+was copiously flowing, and hastily retreated from the room by a back
+door.
+
+The Professor followed him out, and soon returned and announced that the
+phrenologist was too much disabled to resume his position on the
+platform. It was therefore proposed to entertain the audience with some
+experiments in biology, and to show them the wonderful effects of a
+psychological illusion.
+
+"Let any one who is so disposed," said the Professor, "sit for fifteen
+minutes with his eyes closed and his right thumb on his left pulse. At
+the end of that time I will commence my experiments."
+
+Several persons immediately put themselves in the required position. The
+Professor held his watch in his hand, and at the expiration of the time
+named, approached M. T. Pate, who was sitting with his eyes closed and
+his thumb on his wrist. "Open your eyes! open your eyes, if you can!"
+said the Professor, in an abrupt tone of command. Pate's eyes flew wide
+open. "You won't do," said the Professor, and he approached Simon Rump.
+"Open your eyes! open your eyes, sir, if you can,"--but Rump's eyes were
+as tightly closed as if he had padlocks on the lids, and the Professor
+conducted him to the platform. Dove and Bliss were also unable to open
+their eyes, and were seated by the side of Simon Rump.
+
+"This is a nice young lady," said the Professor, addressing Dove and
+pointing to Rump. "She is in love with you and expects you to court
+her."
+
+Dove drew his chair close up to Rump and put his arm around his neck
+and kissed him. Rump looked modest and blushed deeply.
+
+"Will you allow that?" said the Professor. "The young lady is in love
+with you and he is kissing her."
+
+Bliss seized Dove and commenced pulling him away. There was quite a
+struggle between them, when the Professor sternly cried out,--
+
+"What are you doing there? Quarreling over that ugly black woman?"
+
+Dove and Bliss started back with horror depicted in their countenances.
+To each of them Simon Rump had assumed the appearance of a hideous
+negress.
+
+"Look out! it is a snake! it will bite you!" said the Professor,
+throwing down his cane. Rump, Dove, and Bliss ran around the platform
+with cries of terror. "It is a telescope! Pick it up! you can see the
+capitol at Washington through it." Rump put it to his eyes and beheld
+the national capitol.
+
+"Stand here," said the Professor to Rump. "Now, whom would you like to
+see?--the dead?"
+
+"No, no!" exclaimed Rump.
+
+"The absent?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Whom?"
+
+"Susan," said Rump.
+
+"There she is!" said the Professor, pointing to a female form at the far
+end of the room. Rump uttered a cry of rapture, and, leaping from the
+platform, ran to the female, and threw his arms round her neck, and
+kissed her on both cheeks.
+
+"Look at Simon Rump!" said the Widow Wild. "The miserable dog! he is
+kissing my cook, who is as black as Beelzebub."
+
+The cook screamed, and fought Simon Rump with her nails; and another
+belligerent now appeared in his rear. This was Simon's angel, who had
+beheld his conduct with intense indignation, and was now fiercely
+assaulting him with her parasol. Two of the cherubs also took part in
+the combat, and Rump was driven from the door into the street. The crowd
+followed, cheering the angel and the two cherubs. Rump was overpowered,
+and turning his back, ignominiously fled, leaving the angel and cherubs
+in possession of the field. While men and women stood in the street in
+wild excitement, the Professor locked the door of the hall and proceeded
+to his lodgings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+
+Like one who has committed a great crime, and knows that retributive
+justice is in close proximity to his heels, Simon Rump fled homeward, on
+foot, a miserable man. The blows and the hair-pulling, of which he was
+the recipient, had driven the delusion from his brain, and he was
+conscious of his guilt, and in trembling apprehension awaited his
+punishment. In the house, where he had spent so many hours in days gone
+by, contemplating the blissful period when it would be the abode of an
+angel and seven sweet little cherubs, he now sat and listened with a
+feeling of extreme terror for the sounds which would indicate the
+approach of the angel aforesaid.
+
+At length the clatter of horses' hoofs was heard, and peeping through
+the window, poor Rump beheld the angel ride up with a female cherub on
+the pillion behind her. A male cherub was mounted on the other horse. As
+Rump saw them in the act of dismounting, the manly fortitude which he
+had endeavored to summon up instantly forsook him, and he seized his hat
+and fled with precipitation from the house through a back door. The
+wretched man ran with speed until he reached a wood on the outskirts of
+his farm, where he wandered for hours, like one who had been driven an
+outcast from association with his kind. Tired and sleepy, he at last
+ventured into his barn, and throwing himself on a bundle of hay,
+endeavored to recruit his exhausted faculties in the arms of Morpheus.
+
+With the ruddy dawn of the day the consciousness of his misery
+returned. Rump rubbed his eyes and looked around. At the distance of one
+hundred yards from where he sat on his bundle of hay he beheld his
+domicile, in which dwelt an angel and seven sweet little cherubs, who
+had become to him the beings he most dreaded to encounter. The hour for
+breakfast at length arrived, and he knew that hot coffee and buttered
+cakes were on the old mahogany table, and he was a miserable wretch
+banished from his own board. Hunger at length drove him forth, and with
+timidity he approached his house, ascended the steps, and attempted to
+open the door. It was bolted. Rump rapped.
+
+"Who is there?" asked the angel, in shrill and abrupt tones.
+
+"It is I," said Simon.
+
+"Who is I?" asked the mother of the cherubs.
+
+"Simon Rump," said the lord of the mansion.
+
+"Simon Rump is dead. I planted a rose over that good man's grave more
+than a year ago. What do you want?"
+
+"I am hungry; I want my breakfast," said Simon.
+
+"Go around to the kitchen and eat with the cook," said the angel.
+
+Simon Rump now knew that the angel was inexorable, and that henceforth
+he was a stranger at his own door. He walked away with a sad heart and
+obtained a breakfast at a neighbor's house. This benevolent individual
+endeavored to comfort the poor exile, and offered him an asylum until
+the wrath of the angel should be appeased. In his new abode Simon
+remained during the day, and at night he would wander around his own
+house, which he was now forbidden to enter.
+
+One night, as he was wandering on the boundary between his farm and the
+estate of the Widow Wild, he heard a commotion among a herd of swine.
+Rump had recently lost several porkers, and was confident that some one
+was now in the act of stealing a hog. He followed in the direction of
+the sound, and in the moonlight beheld a negro dragging, by its legs, a
+large animal of the porcine species to the door of his cabin. The
+African here threw his squealing victim on its back, and instantly
+plunged a large knife into its throat. Rump rushed forward, and seizing
+the assassin by the collar, commenced severely belaboring him with a
+stout hickory, at the same time indignantly denouncing him in terms of
+vituperation. The negro was astounded at this sudden assault on his
+person, and bounding about with extraordinary agility, loudly
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Take care, Massa Rump! take care, or you will hurt yourself!"
+
+But Rump, regardless of this advice, continued his vigorous exercise
+until he had broken his hickory, when he exclaimed,--
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I am Sam."
+
+"You are the infernal thief who was whipped for stealing the hen and
+eggs! Whose hog is that?"
+
+"It belongs to the Widow Wild."
+
+"I thought it was mine," said Rump. "But, no matter, you have got to go
+to jail. Come along!"
+
+This predatory African was incarcerated in the jail of the county, and
+being unacquainted with any lawyer except the eloquent advocate who had
+once so ably defended him in the court of Justice Johnson and obtained
+for him a new trial in spite of the efforts of Piddler to prevent it, he
+sent for M. T. Pate, and employed him in his defense against this charge
+of felony.
+
+Here, then, was an opportunity for the aspiring advocate to distinguish
+himself.
+
+The eulogy pronounced by the learned phrenologist on his intellectual
+developments had awakened ambitious hopes in his bosom, and Pate
+determined to prepare in the most elaborate manner for the defense of
+his sable client, and was confident of redeeming his reputation, which
+had been so badly damaged in his encounter with Toney Belton. It was
+exceedingly fortunate for him that the trial could not take place until
+a week subsequent to the time when he was employed as counsel. Unlike
+some other able advocates, he had none of that superficial but
+convenient talent which enables its possessors to make some of their
+best efforts almost impromptu. Like the bird of wisdom, he meditated
+much before he opened his mouth, and seldom ventured upon any public
+effort without having previously thrown his thoughts into the shape of a
+written composition, which was carefully committed to memory, to be used
+on the proper occasion. Had there not been an opportunity for
+preparation during a whole week, that portion of his speech in defense
+of Sam, which he succeeded in producing from the archives of his memory,
+would, without doubt, have been far less remarkable for its beauty and
+eloquence.
+
+Demosthenes would never have been the foremost man in the Athenian forum
+if he had not labored assiduously to correct his imperfections by going
+daily to the seashore, with his vocal organ well ballasted with pebbles,
+and delivering his orations with the winds howling around him and the
+waves roaring at his feet. In imitation of so illustrious an example, M.
+T. Pate, having composed an elaborate speech in defense of the
+incarcerated African, daily resorted to some secluded spot, and gave
+utterance to his eloquence with the birds twittering their delight, and
+the frogs croaking their hoarse notes of approbation.
+
+On a certain afternoon Toney and Tom were walking in the direction of
+the Widow Wild's mansion, engaged in earnest conversation.
+
+"But," said Toney, "Ida is entirely dependent on her eccentric uncle,
+and you have but little property."
+
+"Ida is willing to wait until I have acquired sufficient----"
+
+"To buy a cottage big enough to hold an angel and seven sweet little
+cherubs?" said Toney. "But a cottage is not all. Angels must eat, and
+cherubs must have bread and butter, and it takes money to obtain a
+constant supply of such articles. Love cannot live on earth without the
+aid of the butcher and baker."
+
+"I will go to work at my profession and make money," said Tom.
+
+"That you can do," said Toney; "but it takes time."
+
+"Ida is willing to wait for ten years," said Tom. "I wish somebody would
+tell me where there is a gold mine."
+
+"What would you do?" asked Toney.
+
+"I would dig sixteen hours in each day until I had a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Tom.
+
+"And so would I," said Toney; "for I want exactly one hundred thousand
+dollars."
+
+"I wonder if there is not gold in our newly-acquired territory on the
+Pacific coast?" said Tom.
+
+"Would you go there?" asked Toney.
+
+"Yes," said Tom, "and stay for five years, if necessary, to get enough
+gold to buy a home----"
+
+"For Ida and the cherubs?" said Toney.
+
+"What noise is that in the wood?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Two drunken men quarreling over an empty bottle," said Toney.
+
+They now entered the wood and proceeded in the direction of the noise.
+
+"Stop!" said Tom. "Look yonder!"
+
+Toney looked in the direction indicated, and beheld the robust form of
+M. T. Pate perched upon a stump, his arms and legs in violent motion,
+and words rolling from his lips with amazing volubility.
+
+"What is he doing?" said Tom, "Has he gone mad?"
+
+"No; he is practicing oratory; it is a rehearsal," said Toney.
+
+"How would he look if we were to go up and speak to him?" said Tom.
+
+"Like an unfortunate dog taken in the act of assassinating a sheep,"
+said Toney. "Don't let him see us. Listen! What's that he is saying?"
+
+"Something about the Widow Wild," said Tom. "Hear that! He says she has
+a heart of flint."
+
+"Calls her a harpy," said Toney.
+
+"It's well for him the widow does not hear him," said Tom. "What's it
+all about?"
+
+"Pate's client has stolen the widow's hog, and the lawyer is getting
+ready to abuse the owner of the property. Hark! What's that?"
+
+There was a noise in the bushes, and two men sprang out with clubs in
+their hands, and ran towards Pate, loudly shouting,--
+
+"Here he is! Catch him! catch him!"
+
+Pate looked around, and then leaped from the stump and fled through the
+wood with the speed of a frightened antelope.
+
+"Stop! stop! Halt! halt!" cried Toney and Tom.
+
+The men halted, and coming towards them, were recognized as two laborers
+employed on the Widow Wild's estate.
+
+"What were you going to do?" asked Toney.
+
+"Give that fellow a good beating," said one of the men.
+
+"What has he been doing?" inquired Tom.
+
+"He comes here every day and gets on that stump, and abuses the Widow
+Wild, who is as nice a woman as a man ever worked for, and we won't
+stand it! So we cut these clubs and lay in the bushes for him."
+
+"You had better let him alone," said Toney. "He is a lawyer."
+
+"Let him come here again!" said one of the men.
+
+"Even if he was a priest!" said the other.
+
+"What would you do?" asked Toney.
+
+"Break every bone in his body!" said the man, brandishing his club. And
+with this emphatic declaration of their intentions, the men returned to
+their work, while Toney and Tom proceeded on their way to the residence
+of the Widow Wild.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+
+The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before an audience of
+feathered bipeds and amphibious quadrupeds, had fully prepared M. T.
+Pate for the day of trial. On the morning of that eventful day he was
+seen seated in court with a grave aspect, which indicated that he
+sensibly felt the weight of the tremendous responsibility which rested
+upon him.
+
+The prisoner was put in the dock, when the Commonwealth's attorney and
+Mr. Pate announced themselves ready for trial, and were each furnished
+with a list of the jurors in attendance. The offense charged in the
+indictment being felony, the prisoner was entitled to twenty peremptory
+challenges. In exercising this important privilege, Mr. Pate displayed
+his great knowledge of human nature acquired by a thorough study of
+phrenology. He scrutinized closely the head of each juror as he was
+called to the book, and when the organ of benevolence appeared to be
+diminutive, he cried out, with a loud voice, "Challenge!" But if that
+merciful organ was largely developed, he eagerly exclaimed, "Swear
+_him_! swear _him_!" putting a strong emphasis on the word "_him_."
+
+A jury having been impaneled, after a brief statement of the case by the
+Commonwealth's attorney, the Widow Wild was put upon the stand and
+proved property as alleged in the indictment. Pate put her under a
+cross-examination, and asked,--
+
+"Madam, what was the sex or gender of your hog?"
+
+The widow hesitated and looked at the judge, who told her to answer the
+question.
+
+"It was a gentleman hog," said she.
+
+"How do you know it was a gentleman hog?" asked Pate.
+
+"I know it just as well as I know that you are not a gentleman hog,"
+said the widow, tartly.
+
+"You may take your seat," said the lawyer.
+
+"Thank you, sir," said the widow. And with a toss of her head, and a
+fiery look of indignation at the attorney, she glided to a seat in the
+corner of the room, where she announced to the Professor her intention
+to repay Pate for his impudence.
+
+Simon Rump was now sworn, and testified to the facts already stated in
+the preceding chapter, and which appeared to be conclusive proof of the
+guilt of the accused. But Pate was not discouraged. He put Rump under a
+rigorous cross-examination, and asked him if he was not subjected to
+psychological illusions. The opposite counsel interposed an objection to
+this question, and the court inquired of Mr. Pate his object in asking
+it.
+
+"May it please your Honor," said Pate, "I expect to show that this man
+Rump is one of those unfortunate individuals who are continually
+subjected to psychological illusions. This class are quite numerous, and
+not long ago I heard one of them say that he had seen a heavy piano get
+up of its own accord and dance on nothing, half-way between the ceiling
+and the floor, all the while playing a tune, and keeping time with its
+feet to its own music.
+
+"Another man told me that he had seen a certain doctor walk on the air,
+and pass out at one window in the third story of a house and come in at
+the other. And it is said that this Simon Rump alleges that he once saw
+a white ghost, in a clump of willows, in the rear of his barn. Now,
+learned men inform us that these objects have no real existence, but are
+simply projections from the disordered brain of the person who imagines
+that he sees them. May it please your Honor, it is not at all unlikely
+that Sam and the hog were nothing more than projections from the
+disordered brain of Simon Rump. If a man's brain can project a heavy
+piano and cause it to dance a jig on the air, could not Rump's brain
+project a big negro with a whole hog on his shoulder?"
+
+In anticipation of this testimony, Pate had carefully prepared his
+argument at home and had committed it to memory.
+
+He now succeeded in carrying his point, the court deciding that, upon
+general principles, there was nothing to preclude the prisoner's counsel
+from proving, if he could so do, that Rump's brain was in such a
+disordered condition as to render his testimony unreliable. So the
+question was put to Rump, who said that he had walked at all hours of
+the night, and had never seen a psychological illusion; that he had
+never "heard tell of them" before, and did not know what they were.
+After much badgering, however, he admitted that he had seen something
+behind his barn, which, to the best of his knowledge and belief, was a
+ghost. Having been worried until he had made this admission, poor Rump
+was finally dismissed from the stand.
+
+The testimony of the State was here closed.
+
+The court now inquired of Mr. Pate if he had any witnesses to examine on
+the part of the defense.
+
+"Yes, may it please your Honor," was the reply, "we have one very
+important witness. Call Professor Joseph Boneskull."
+
+Thereupon the crier called, in a loud voice, "Professor Joseph
+Boneskull! Professor Joseph Boneskull!"
+
+Immediately a bald-headed little man, about five feet two inches in
+stature, walked up to the witness-stand, carrying in his hand a
+phrenological plaster cast of a human head. All eyes opened in amazement
+and looked with wonder, first at the head on the little man's shoulders,
+and then at the head in his hand.
+
+This strange witness, who seemed to come on the stand under the
+impression that two heads were better than one, was sworn by the clerk
+in the usual form, when Mr. Pate asked,--
+
+"What is your profession, trade, occupation, or calling?"
+
+"My profession," said the witness, "is one of which all sensible men
+might be proud. I am a phrenologist. I tell the diversified mental and
+moral characteristics of men, women, and children, whether they be white
+or whether they be black, by a manipulatory examination of the
+superficial, distinctive developments of their respective craniums,
+vulgarly denominated skulls."
+
+"Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a critical examination
+of the cranium of the prisoner at the bar?"
+
+"I answer, most unequivocally, I have."
+
+"Can you inform the jury what are the respective developments of the
+prisoner's organs of alimentiveness, acquisitiveness, and
+conscientiousness?"
+
+Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the question; saying that
+the introduction of such testimony was wholly unwarranted by any of the
+established rules of evidence.
+
+After an argument of some length, the court decided that the testimony
+in relation to the phrenological developments of Sam was inadmissible.
+Thereupon Professor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both
+heads with him as he went.
+
+"Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer?" inquired the court.
+
+"None whatever," was the mournful response.
+
+"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.
+
+The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are
+not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been
+retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke
+as follows:
+
+"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,--No advocate ever
+rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous
+disadvantages as now encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and
+virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of
+stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day
+with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the
+wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice
+enables her to exert,--she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to
+persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended,
+innocent, and unoffending African.
+
+"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the
+language of a great Roman poet, _hic est niger_, and while men of the
+Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld
+from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and
+even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the
+descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to
+be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the
+peer of Sam?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now
+environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy
+criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that
+venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of
+Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or
+perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.
+
+"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before
+Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the
+unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave
+public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, who had
+murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I
+hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who
+has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?
+
+"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof
+of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of
+my innocent and calumniated client.
+
+"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America,
+and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr,
+that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be
+guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect
+you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A
+miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had
+any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that
+stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.
+
+"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under
+oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon
+Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not
+on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards
+use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at
+Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both
+cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian
+complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect
+machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are
+projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney
+corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man
+projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of
+his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why,
+gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting
+an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the
+pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on
+the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created
+by his diseased mental organization; and when this miserable man
+reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium,
+for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you
+should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:
+
+
+     'Hence, horrible shadow!
+     Unreal mockery, hence!'
+
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court permitted me to examine
+the learned Professor Boneskull, I could have easily proved by him that
+the guilt of Sam is a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar
+of our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the court. But,
+gentlemen, although you have not the testimony of Professor Boneskull
+before you, the prisoner himself is seated in full view, and you can
+certainly rely upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according to
+Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I entreat you to look
+upon the goodly countenance of my client and to scrutinize closely his
+phrenological developments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably
+diminutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam should
+have so enormous an appetite that he would seek to devour a whole hog?
+His organ of acquisitiveness is still smaller, and he could not covet
+nor desire another man's property; while his immense development of
+conscientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal.
+
+"Gentlemen, the bumps clearly demonstrate that the guilt of the prisoner
+is a natural impossibility. Nature herself cries aloud that he is
+innocent. Sam--Sam--I say--Sam!" Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling
+vigorously at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was
+dozing in the prisoners' dock, suddenly started up and exclaimed, in a
+loud voice, "Sir!"--at which the bailiffs called out, "Silence!
+Silence!" and the judge rapped with his gavel.
+
+Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate from the moment he
+commenced his argument, and the ugly demon now pounced upon him as he
+stood, in anticipation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar.
+His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper, which, with two
+law-books, he had put in a drawer of the table, intending to take out a
+few sheets at a time in the order in which he might want to use them.
+When the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he put his
+hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of manuscript for the purpose
+of refreshing his memory; but how great was his horror on finding the
+drawer closed in such manner that he could not open it! By some awkward
+arrangement of the books one of them had opened, and was acting as a
+lock to prevent the drawer from being pulled out.
+
+Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain; at the same time
+repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, "Gentlemen of the
+jury,"--"Gentlemen of the jury." He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort
+of soliloquy, "Gracious heavens! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary
+unless I can get that drawer open!" Here he gave another tremendous tug
+at the drawer, and saying, "Gentlemen of the jury,"--"Gentlemen of the
+jury,"--"A natural impossibility!" sank back in his seat with his face
+bathed in a profuse perspiration.
+
+The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted by the strange
+conduct of the speaker, and a general peal of laughter broke forth as
+soon as they perceived his awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of
+mirth, which the court could not wholly repress, so increased the
+agitation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from the court-room
+like a man on a wild hunt after his wits.
+
+"He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion," said a pitiless limb of
+the law in a loud whisper.
+
+"No," said Toney Belton, "he has gone for a locksmith to open the
+drawer, and will soon return and conclude his argument."
+
+But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude his powerful
+appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted by the jury and sentenced by
+the court to confinement in the penitentiary for the term of two years
+and six months.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+
+"There are persons so peculiarly constituted as to suppose that all the
+inhabitants of the terrestrial globe have their minds occupied with
+thoughts of them," said Toney to the Professor.
+
+"And that all the people of the planets are peeping through telescopes
+and making critical observations on their actions," said the Professor.
+
+"The unfortunate M. T. Pate must have been in some such mental condition
+after his lamentable break down in court."
+
+"What has become of him? I have not seen him for a whole month."
+
+"During several weeks he remained in seclusion, and manufactured an
+immense amount of melancholy for home consumption. His stock being
+finally exhausted he came forth into the world again."
+
+"To discover that the world was occupied with its own affairs and
+thinking very little about him?"
+
+"Yes; some were engaged in making money; some in making mischief----"
+
+"And Tom Seddon in making love with indefatigable industry----"
+
+"While the earth revolved on her axis as if nothing extraordinary had
+ever occurred in the court-room."
+
+"What is Pate now doing?"
+
+"He has become a collecting lawyer."
+
+"What is that?"
+
+"An attorney who, for a moderate commission, rides over the country
+collecting money for his clients."
+
+"A dun? Why, yonder comes Pate now on his old white horse!"
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Pate," said Toney, as the lawyer rode up.
+
+"Are you riding far to-day?"
+
+"Only to the Widow Wild's residence. I have a claim to collect for Mr.
+Clement. Good-morning, gentlemen." And Pate rode on.
+
+"Did he say he was going to the Widow Wild's residence?" asked the
+Professor.
+
+"Yes; to dun her for a debt."
+
+"If my identity was merged in that of M. T. Pate, I would be afraid to
+venture within a hundred yards of the widow's house."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"I sat by her side in the court-room, and heard her declaration of war
+against M. T. Pate."
+
+"He denounced her terribly in his speech to the jury."
+
+"And she denounced him terribly in her speech to me."
+
+"I wish Tom Seddon was here; we might send him to witness the interview
+between the widow and M. T. Pate."
+
+"His absence is to be deplored. Ida has done the sect of Funny
+Philosophers great injury by carrying off one of its most efficient
+members, who is so much needed in this emergency. But when that young
+lady returned to Bella Vista she took Mr. Seddon's heart with her; and,
+of course, it was not to be expected that he should exist in one
+locality, and that important organ, which is supposed to be the seat of
+vitality, in another."
+
+The Professor here proceeded to animadvert on the conduct of young
+ladies in appropriating other people's hearts, and was making sundry
+remarks on the subject, when he was interrupted by Toney, who
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Why, yonder comes Clement and his clerk from the direction of the Widow
+Wild's house! Good-morning, Mr. Clement. Have you seen Mr. Pate?"
+
+"I saw him ride up the avenue leading to Mrs. Wild's house, and
+dismount," said Clement.
+
+"I saw him pull the bell at the front door," said the clerk.
+
+"Was the door opened to him?" asked the Professor.
+
+"It was opened by the widow herself, who, with a smiling countenance and
+an extended hand, seemed to bid him welcome," said the clerk.
+
+"That is strange!" said the Professor.
+
+"Not so strange as it may seem," said the clerk; "for, though Pate is
+sometimes bad-mannered among men, he will purr as softly as a pussy cat
+as soon as he comes in proximity to a petticoat. It is just as likely as
+not that the widow has taken a fancy to him."
+
+"Women are enigmas," said Toney.
+
+"The Widow Wild certainly is," said the Professor. "She would puzzle the
+brain of an Oedipus."
+
+The deadly hostility of the widow to M. T. Pate was well known to the
+people of Mapleton, and a crowd collected around Clement; and, in a
+prolonged discussion, endeavored to solve what now appeared to be a
+mystery.
+
+"She was glad to see him!" said one.
+
+"Shook hands with him!" said another.
+
+"Invited him in!" said a third.
+
+"But why does he stay so long?" said Clement.
+
+During the day this question was often repeated by the gossips, who
+assembled in groups, with their gaze fixed on the road leading from the
+widow's mansion to the town.
+
+Suddenly a horse and rider are seen approaching from that direction at a
+furious speed. As they come nearer, the man seems to be without a hat,
+and with a heavy suit of black hair, and huge black whiskers. The steed
+is spotted like a leopard. The people behold the strange horse and rider
+with amazement as they enter the town with the speed of Tam O'Shanter.
+At this moment a shout goes up from the crowd.
+
+"Stop! stop!, stop!" cried a number of voices.
+
+But, Mazeppa-like, the mysterious apparition dashes through the town;
+and while men, women, and children are gazing in gaping wonderment, the
+bare-headed rider and spotted steed disappear beyond a distant hill.
+
+"Who do you think it was?" said a group of astonished people to the
+Professor.
+
+The Professor shook his head and was silent.
+
+"What is your opinion, Mr. Clement?" asked a man in the crowd.
+
+Clement was puzzled, and said nothing.
+
+"Who was that hatless and hugely-whiskered rider?" said Toney to the
+Professor.
+
+"It is a mystery yet to be solved," said the Professor, as he took
+Toney's arm and walked with him to the latter's office.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+
+"What may be the subject of your meditations?" said Toney to the
+Professor on the following morning, as he dodged aside to avoid coming
+in collision with the latter, who was walking with his gaze apparently
+fixed on the toes of his boots.
+
+"I beg pardon!" said the Professor, with a look of surprise. "I had no
+intention of converting myself into a battering-ram. I am in no
+belligerent mood, I assure you. To tell the truth, Toney, I am very
+sad."
+
+"What may be the cause of your melancholy?"
+
+"Disappointment in my fondest wishes."
+
+"In love?"
+
+"No, not in love. I was once disappointed in love, and I know what that
+is. It is a sore trial, but nothing to the affliction which I now
+endure."
+
+"I cannot imagine the nature of your trouble. From what does it
+proceed?"
+
+"Breach of promise."
+
+"What?"
+
+"Breach of promise unadvisedly made to five respectable maiden ladies."
+
+"To all five? Why, you must be a Turk!"
+
+"What am I to do?" said the Professor, with a look of despondency. "I
+cannot fulfill my promise."
+
+"I should think not, unless you emigrate to Salt Lake."
+
+"I wish Tom Seddon were here. He could assist me."
+
+"Do you suppose he would abandon Ida?"
+
+"Toney, my dear fellow, you can help me."
+
+"By taking one of the respectable maiden ladies off your hands? I beg to
+be excused. There is but one woman in the world I would marry, and that
+I would do quickly enough if I had a hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"I was not speaking of marriage."
+
+"Did you not say that you had promised five respectable maiden ladies?"
+
+"Not to conduct them to the altar."
+
+"What, then?"
+
+"To unravel the great mystery which is now agitating the minds of the
+entire population of this town, and more especially of the female
+portion."
+
+"What is that?"
+
+"Who was the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse? Toney, can you tell?
+If I do not discover this secret, what will become of me when I return
+to my boarding-house where the five respectable maiden ladies are
+waiting to receive the information, which I have solemnly promised to
+obtain and impart? Toney, do you know who was the man on the Woolly
+Horse?"
+
+"I do not."
+
+"Have you been to the Widow Wild's house since the apparition dashed
+through the street on yesterday?"
+
+"I was at the widow's house last night."
+
+"What did you discover?"
+
+"Nothing?"
+
+"Did you allude to M. T. Pate?"
+
+"I did."
+
+"What did the widow say?"
+
+"She said he was a very smart lawyer, and then changed the topic of
+conversation."
+
+"That woman is a mystery I cannot solve. She will drive me mad! But what
+did Rosabel say when Pate's name was mentioned?"
+
+"She and her cousin, the widow's niece, tittered."
+
+"Well?"
+
+"The widow sharply rebuked them for their levity."
+
+"What then?"
+
+"The young ladies attempted to smother themselves."
+
+"How?"
+
+"By holding their handkerchiefs to their mouths."
+
+"Did they succeed?"
+
+"They did not. The attempt was a failure. There were explosions of
+laughter, and the young ladies jumped up and ran from the room. I saw
+them no more that night, but I heard from an adjoining room loud
+shrieks----"
+
+"What! shrieks? Nothing serious, I hope?"
+
+"Shrieks of laughter."
+
+"And you have discovered nothing?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"Toney, what am I to do? I cannot return to my boarding-house, and look
+those five respectable maiden ladies in their faces, and say I know
+nothing."
+
+"Have you seen Mrs. Foot?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Let us go to her house."
+
+"Why should we go there?"
+
+"It is the headquarters of all the female gossips in the town."
+
+"Then we will go. It is the place for information. Who is Mrs. Foot?"
+
+"The mother of the three tall young ladies whom you have seen escorted
+by Love, Dove, and Bliss."
+
+"The giraffes in petticoats? What are their names?"
+
+"Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba."
+
+"They are very tall women with very long names. Which of them was
+carrying little Love hooked to her arm?"
+
+"That was Cleopatra."
+
+"And the one who was looking down so benignly on Dove?"
+
+"Theodosia."
+
+"And Sophonisba had secured Bliss. Toney, I seldom vaticinate, but I now
+predict that those three little men will marry those three stupendous
+sisters."
+
+"That would be against the rules of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, of which order Love, Dove, and Bliss are active and useful
+members."
+
+"When a very little man," said the Professor, not heeding Toney's last
+observation, "comes in daily contact with a woman of gigantic
+proportions, a marriage is inevitable."
+
+"How do you account for such a phenomenon?"
+
+"Upon very obvious principles. A little man like Bliss, promenading with
+a giantess like Sophonisba, looks up to her when he speaks, and his
+numerous soft and tender expressions ascend like prayers addressed to
+some superior being above him. Sophonisba looks down and beholds poor
+little Bliss walking by her side like a motherless lamb needing
+protection. A feeling of pity takes possession of her bosom, and pity is
+nearly akin to love."
+
+"The big woman first pities the little man, and then loves him?"
+
+"That is just it. Did you ever see a very large woman married to a man
+of similar proportions?"
+
+"Indeed, I have. Mrs. Foot is as tall as Sophonisba, and much more
+robust. Her husband, Gideon Foot, looks like Winfield Scott; while her
+son, who is called Hercules, stands six feet seven in his stockings."
+
+"A race of giants! descended, perhaps, in a direct line from Ogg, the
+King of Bashan."
+
+"Here is the house, and we have arrived at about the right time in the
+afternoon. The gossips usually assemble at this hour."
+
+"Why, this is the very place where we discovered Love, Dove, and Bliss,
+one night, singing so sweetly."
+
+"They come here and warble nearly every night under the windows."
+
+"Serenading the giantesses, I suppose?"
+
+"Yes; serenading the young ladies,--the Feet."
+
+"Toney, is that correct?"
+
+"What?"
+
+"The Feet."
+
+"Do you not say the Browns and the Smiths?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"What is the plural of Foot?"
+
+"Feet."
+
+"Of course. You would not have me say Foots?"
+
+"It is a question of philology which I am unable to determine."
+
+"Let us go in," said Toney.
+
+He pulled the bell, and a servant appeared, and ushered them into a
+parlor, where sat Mrs. Foot with her three daughters, and three female
+friends. The Professor was introduced by Toney to the lady of the house,
+and then to Cleopatra, Theodosia, and Sophonisba; after which ceremony,
+the two gentlemen were introduced by Mrs. Foot to Mrs. Cross, Mrs.
+Hobbs, and Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Belton," said the gigantic mother of the three stupendous
+sisters, "I am so glad you have come! Have you heard anything?"
+
+"In respect to what?" asked Toney.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"The Woolly Horse!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" eagerly inquired Mrs. Smart.
+
+The young ladies said nothing; but half a dozen blue eyes belonging to
+the young ladies aforesaid were intently fixed on Toney, in expectation
+of his answer. Toney was silent. Mrs. Foot arose from her chair and came
+close to him. Her three female friends made a similar movement, and
+Toney was surrounded.
+
+"Have you heard anything?" reiterated Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Indeed, madam, that is just what I would like to know," said Toney.
+
+The expression of eager expectation on the countenance of each lady was
+instantly changed to one of sad disappointment.
+
+"He don't know," sighed Mrs. Foot.
+
+"He don't know," said Mrs. Cross, with a profound suspiration.
+
+"It is too bad!" exclaimed Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"That nobody should know who was the man on the Woolly Horse!" said Mrs.
+Smart, in extreme vexation.
+
+"My friend Mr. Tickle may know," said Toney, with a mischievous twinkle
+of his eye, as he directed their attention to the Professor, who was
+instantly surrounded.
+
+"Who was it, Mr. Tickle?" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Who was it?" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"Oh, dear! who was it?" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"Mr. Tickle, who was the man on the Woolly Horse?" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Ladies," said the Professor, with profound gravity, "it may have been
+an Osage Indian carrying a Woolly Horse, which he had captured in the
+Rocky Mountains, to Barnum."
+
+"It was an Osage Indian on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"No, it wasn't an Osage Indian," said Mrs. Tongue, who had entered the
+room unobserved.
+
+She was instantly surrounded.
+
+"Who was it? Who was it?" was asked and reiterated.
+
+"Wait until I get my breath," said Mrs. Tongue, sinking into a chair.
+"Bless me! I have walked so fast!"
+
+"Who was it? Who was it? Who was it?" came with reiterations from
+several female voices while the lady was employed in getting her breath.
+
+"Will you all promise not to say a word about it?" said Mrs. Tongue.
+
+"Yes--yes!--not a word--not a syllable!--we will not breathe it!" was
+instantly and unanimously promised by the female portion of Mrs.
+Tongue's audience.
+
+"You know the Widow Wild's cook?" said Mrs. Tongue.
+
+"Yes," said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"The black woman whom Simon Rump kissed!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"The miserable dog!" cried Mrs. Cross.
+
+"The cook," said Mrs. Tongue, "was at my house about half an hour ago,
+and told me----"
+
+"What? What? What? What?" exclaimed four female voices simultaneously.
+
+"That Mr. Pate rode up to the Widow Wild's house, on yesterday morning,
+and, dismounting, pulled the bell at the front door. The widow opened
+the door herself, and received Mr. Pate with much cordiality. Having
+invited him in, she introduced him to her daughter and niece; and he and
+the three ladies soon got to be so sociable that they sat down to a game
+of whist. Time passed pleasantly and rapidly until dinner was announced.
+After dinner the widow proposed a game of blind-man's-buff; and the
+three ladies and Pate began the game with much merriment. It came to the
+lawyer's turn to be blinded; and, as soon as the handkerchief was over
+his eyes, the widow rang a bell and her two big negro men, Juba and
+Jugurtha, rushed into the room and caught Pate, and Juba held him while
+Jugurtha smeared tar over his head and face. The widow then took a
+basket of black wool, and stuck the wool all over his head, and put some
+big bunches on his checks, so as to look like very large whiskers. The
+lawyer cried like a child and begged for mercy; but the widow laughed
+immoderately while she was decorating him with the wool. When released,
+the lawyer fled to the door, and there stood his horse in much the same
+condition as himself. He mounted and rode wildly away; the widow calling
+after him, 'Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! be sure to come back and get your money
+to-morrow!'"
+
+"Did you ever hear the like?" said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Never!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.
+
+"No; never!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.
+
+"And so Mr. Pate was the man on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.
+
+"Hush!" exclaimed Cleopatra, who was sitting at a window. "Here is Mr.
+Love."
+
+"Hush!" said Theodosia, "Here is Mr. Dove."
+
+"Hush!" said Sophonisba. "Here is Mr. Bliss."
+
+"They are Mr. Pate's particular friends," said Mrs. Foot. "It will not
+do to say anything about him before them,--it might hurt their feelings.
+Let us talk about something else."
+
+The three little men now entered the room, and Toney and the Professor
+arose, and, bowing to the ladies, withdrew. They walked together until
+they reached Toney's office, when the Professor said, "Well, Toney, I
+can now face the five respectable maiden ladies without trepidation.
+Eureka! eureka! Good-by, old fellow."
+
+"Good-by," said Toney, laughing. And he entered his office, while the
+Professor proceeded with rapid strides towards his boarding-house.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+
+
+Circumstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the extraordinary
+statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the preceding chapter. It was now
+recollected that no other horse and rider had been observed to come from
+the direction of the Widow Wild's mansion during the day on which it was
+known that the lawyer had gone thither to see that eccentric lady in
+reference to Clement's claim. For about a week subsequent M. T. Pate was
+said to be confined to his house by sickness; and when his friends
+called to inquire after his health, they were told by his housekeeper
+that he declined to receive any visitors. When he again appeared in
+public it was noticed that he traveled as a pedestrian; and several
+youths, curious to know what had become of old Whitey, having
+clandestinely visited the stable which he had always occupied, upon
+peeping through a crevice in the door were astonished at beholding in a
+stall a horse which was as hairless as a Chinese dog of the edible
+species. They promulgated the opinion that old Whitey had been subjected
+to a tonsorial operation, and that his hair had been closely shaven off
+by a razor or some other sharp instrument. Another link in the chain of
+circumstances was the fact that M. T. Pate now wore a wig; and calling
+at the house of Mrs. Hobbs on a certain afternoon, a little daughter of
+that lady ran into the room and was taken by the lawyer on his lap. The
+innocent child playfully caught hold of Pate's locks, and screamed with
+horror at beholding the top of his head coming off. The child was
+carried out, vociferously shrieking, and from that day would never
+venture in the room when the lawyer visited the house. Although Pate
+quickly replaced his wig, the observant Mrs. Hobbs had discovered the
+entire nudity of his noddle; and, with all convenient speed, repairing
+to the house of Mrs. Foot, gave a detailed account of the catastrophe
+which had so frightened her little daughter; emphatically asserting
+that all the hair which once grew on the sides of Mr. Pate's head had
+mysteriously disappeared, and that his head, deprived of the wig, was as
+smooth and depilous as a pumpkin.
+
+Notwithstanding the strange rumors in relation to his ride on the Woolly
+Horse, the manners of Mr. Pate in the presence of the gentler sex were
+so bland and fascinating that he soon recovered his popularity in the
+social circle. The wig, which he now wore, had greatly improved his
+personal appearance, and transformed him into quite a handsome man. In a
+few weeks the excitement produced by the startling apparition of the
+bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse had subsided, and other subjects
+occupied the public mind. Old Whitey was still invisible, but Pate moved
+about on foot, and was frequently seen escorting the young ladies of the
+town, on their promenades, and to social parties and places of
+amusement.
+
+On a bright Sabbath morning Toney walked with the Professor to the fine
+old church, which had been built in colonial times, on the suburbs of
+the town. The pastor failed to appear; but M. T. Pate ascended the
+pulpit and read the usual prayers, together with several chapters from
+the Bible, and gave out the first and fourth verses of Part 13 of the
+ninety-seventh selection of Psalms. When Pate joined in the exercises
+with his loud bass voice, the singing was very interesting and
+impressive; especially when they came to the last two lines.
+
+After the services were concluded, he came down into the aisle, and
+gradually made his way to the door, surrounded by the female portion of
+the congregation. He seemed to be endeavoring to talk to more than a
+dozen ladies at the same time, and each of them appeared anxious to get
+nearest to his honored person. His manner in the pulpit had been most
+solemn and impressive; but now he had put off his clerical gravity, and
+was exceedingly merry and gallant; while his little pleasantries were
+delivered
+
+
+     "In such apt and gracious words
+     That aged ears play truant at his tales,
+     And younger hearings are quite ravished;
+     So sweet and voluble is his discourse."
+
+
+But it was quite evident that he gave a decided preference to the
+younger and prettier portion of this circle of his female admirers. He
+was soon seen to march off with a nice young lady hanging on his arm.
+
+"Who is that beautiful girl whom the parson's proxy has captured and is
+carrying off?" said the Professor to Toney.
+
+"It is Miss Juliet Singleton, the daughter of the wealthy old gentleman
+who lives in the rural retreat on the top of yonder hill."
+
+"There is a young gentleman standing with his arms folded and his back
+against a tree, who does not seem to have much of the milk of human
+kindness in his bosom just at this moment," said the Professor, pointing
+to a stalwart young man, who was gazing at Pate and his fair companion
+with eyes in which indignation was plainly expressed.
+
+"It is Juliet's discarded lover," said Toney, "and, by a singular
+coincidence, his name is Romeo."
+
+"A discarded lover is usually of a very ferocious disposition."
+
+"Especially when he sees his rival walk off with the object of his
+affections."
+
+"I know of no more savage animal, unless it be a man with the toothache.
+If I were walking in Mr. Pate's boots I would not like to meet that
+Romeo,--what's his cognomen?"
+
+"Lawton."
+
+"I would not like to meet Lawton in a lonely place upon my return from
+Juliet's abode. After beholding the menacing aspect of Romeo's visage, I
+think it highly probable that I shall, to-night, dream of M. T. Pate
+wending his way homeward with a pair of black eyes. How did it happen
+that Pate succeeded in stealing the affections of Juliet from that young
+man, who must be very handsome when he is not so diabolically
+ferocious?"
+
+"Immediately subsequent to Pate's return from Bella Vista he discovered
+that Romeo was visiting Juliet----"
+
+"With the obsolete idea of connubial felicity in his head, I suppose?"
+
+"Juliet seemed to dote on her adorer. Love and Dove had serenaded her
+in vain. Bliss had visited her, but she regarded him not. It was
+therefore a matter of astonishment to all the gossips, male and female,
+when they learned that, in a few weeks after M. T. Pate became
+acquainted with her, Romeo was a discarded lover."
+
+"Poor Romeo! He had a perception of the miraculous power of superior
+genius. What are Pate's intentions? Does he propose to lead the young
+lady to the hymeneal altar?"
+
+"Of course not. He is the founder of the Mystic Order of Seven
+Sweethearts, and is merely performing his duty. His object is to prevent
+a marriage."
+
+"I must consult the five respectable maiden ladies in relation to this
+peculiar case," said the Professor. And bidding Toney good-morning, he
+walked towards his boarding-house.
+
+During the above conversation, Pate was escorting the beautiful Juliet
+to her abode. His attentions to this young lady were extraordinary.
+Every evening he was seated by her side. In the mornings they would take
+long and romantic walks to gather wild flowers in the forest; and in the
+afternoons they had many pleasant drives in his buggy; he having
+purchased a magnificent gray horse as a substitute for the invisible
+Whitey.
+
+He soon discovered that the young lady was exceedingly sentimental, and
+liked to listen to conversations in which love was the prominent topic.
+So he adopted a euphuistic style of speech, and became a successful
+imitator of Sir Piercie Shafton. He would address her as his adorable
+perfection; would sometimes lift her fair fingers to his lips; and,
+occasionally, in a sort of rehearsal, would go down on his knees and
+show her how love ought to be made. On one occasion the Irish servant
+found Pate in this attitude in the parlor, and hastily retreated,
+believing that he was making a proposal of marriage. She told her master
+that Miss Juliet was seated in a rocking-chair, and that Pate was
+kneeling before her, and praying to her as if she was the Blessed
+Virgin, and that she had heard him ask Juliet if she had no heart "at
+all, at all." The old gentleman was wonderfully pleased, when he
+received this information, at the prospect of soon having so
+accomplished a son-in-law. Pate inserted many pretty verses, which had
+been written for him by a young poet, in the lady's album; and on one
+occasion, when he was absent from home, wrote her a number of
+sentimental letters, in one of which he spoke of the promise which he
+had made to her, and which he would never forget. On the seal, which he
+had used, were engraved the figures of two doves putting their bills
+together, as if in the act of exchanging a connubial kiss. In fact, so
+assiduous were his intentions, and so numerous his rehearsals of
+courtship, that the simple-minded girl actually believed that he had
+made her a promise of marriage, and that he was the man who had been
+predestined, from the beginning of the world, to be her wedded lord.
+
+There was a sweet, sequestered spot near her father's mansion, where a
+number of trees threw a delightful shade over a bubbling fountain. Under
+the trees was a rustic bench; and this was a favorite resort of the fair
+Juliet, where she was often found by Pate sitting in the moonlight, and,
+usually, in a very sentimental mood. One evening, just after twilight,
+she not being at the house, he proceeded to the fountain, and discovered
+her sitting on the rustic seat. She seemed pensive, and, when he spoke
+to her, only answered with a deep sigh. He seated himself by her side
+and inquired into the cause of her melancholy; but there was no
+response. He took her left hand in his and lifted it to his lips. As
+with tender devotion he was about to imprint an impassioned kiss, she
+drew suddenly back, and dealt him a powerful blow, with her right fist,
+under the eye, which knocked him from his seat, and he fell on the
+ground. She then sprang to her feet, and, drawing a bludgeon from
+beneath her garments, commenced beating him cruelly, regardless of his
+cries for mercy, until, at last, he was stunned by the shower of blows
+which descended in rapid succession, and lay senseless on the earth.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+
+
+When Pate became conscious he was in bed, having been carried home by
+some laborers, who found him in a sad condition, and thought at first
+that he was a murdered man. A doctor sat by his side, who had bandaged
+his wounds and bruises, and given proper attention to an arm which had
+been broken. It was many weeks before he could leave his house; and when
+he went abroad his bosom was boiling with indignation at the treatment
+which he had received at the hands of the fair Juliet, who, he believed,
+was a fiend or a fury in disguise.
+
+So intense was his anger at the conduct of the beautiful Amazon that he
+treated her with the greatest indignity, and, when he met her at church,
+turned his back on her with a scornful curl of his lip. He publicly
+accused her of an atrocious assault on his person, and said that she had
+first knocked him down with her fist, and had then broken his arm, and
+attempted to murder him with a heavy bludgeon.
+
+The greatest enemy which a man may have is the little organ which lies
+in his mouth just behind his teeth. The experience of M. T. Pate
+unfolded this truth when, one morning, the sheriff of the county called
+upon him with two interesting documents. The one was a writ of summons
+in an action for slander, and the other a similar process in a suit for
+breach of promise of marriage. He had accused the fair Juliet of an
+assault on him with intent to murder, which accusation, if true, would
+subject her to a criminal prosecution. The words spoken were therefore
+actionable. He had also treated her with contempt; and the poet tells us
+that
+
+
+     "Hell holds no fury like a woman scorned."
+
+
+By the advice of her father, who was greatly enraged at the treatment
+which his daughter had received, both suits had been instituted.
+
+When the day of trial arrived, there was an immense crowd in the hall
+of justice, all of whom sympathized with the young lady. In the action
+for slander, Pate had pleaded the truth in justification. By the rules
+of pleading, in so doing he admitted the speaking of the words
+complained of, and undertook to prove that they were true. But to his
+utter dismay he had no witnesses to establish the proof, as no one but
+Juliet and himself were present when the assault was made upon him. To
+put him in a worse position before the jury, the fair plaintiff
+succeeded in proving an alibi, by calling several witnesses to the stand
+who swore that, on the very evening when the assault was alleged to have
+been committed at the fountain under the trees, Juliet was some ten
+miles away at the house of her grandmother. Pate, when he heard this
+testimony, was immeasurably shocked at the corruption and villainy of
+mankind; for had he not sat by her side on the rustic bench? had he not
+taken her fair hand in his own and lifted it to his lips? had he not
+felt the blow from her fist which had knocked him from his seat? had he
+not beheld her standing over him with her garments fluttering in his
+face, and the terrible cudgel in her hand? had he not besought the
+infuriated Amazon to have mercy on him, while she was ruthlessly beating
+him, until he became insensible?--and now these false and perjured
+witnesses, bribed, no doubt, by her father's money, had sworn that she
+was some ten miles distant from the scene of the outrage!
+
+Pate being unable to establish the truth in justification, the counsel
+for the plaintiff took occasion to arouse the indignation of the jury
+against the defendant. He traveled beyond the evidence, as zealous
+advocates will often do, and told them that this man had basely
+slandered a respectable young lady in order to extenuate his own
+dishonorable conduct in trifling with her affections by shamefully
+violating his promise of marriage. He called the attention of the jury
+to the absurdity of the charge which Pate, by his plea, alleged to be
+true. Could any sane person believe that a young lady, with a hand so
+small and delicate, could double her fist and knock down a bulky man
+like Pate, and then beat him unmercifully with a heavy bludgeon? And
+where was the proof of the allegation in the defendant's plea? While he
+had produced no evidence in support of his preposterous charge, the
+plaintiff had demonstrated its falsity by establishing an alibi. In a
+peroration, abounding in vituperation, he then demanded vindictive
+damages as a punishment for this base and abominable slander. When he
+had closed his argument, the feelings of the jury were so excited that
+they retired, and in a few moments returned, with a verdict awarding
+twelve thousand dollars to the plaintiff as damages for the injury which
+she had sustained.
+
+On the following day the suit for breach of promise of marriage was
+tried. As men seldom make promises of marriage in the presence of
+witnesses, in actions of this sort much of the proof is inferential. It
+was proved that Pate was in constant attendance on the young lady; that
+every evening he was seated by her side in her father's parlor, or
+taking romantic walks in her company, by moonlight, with her arm locked
+in his own; that in the morning he would walk with her to gather wild
+flowers in the forest; that in the afternoon he would be seen riding
+with her in lonely and unfrequented roads; and several witnesses swore
+that they had seen him on his knees before her, apparently making a most
+tender appeal. The Irishwoman testified to the scene in the
+rocking-chair, and said that he was praying to her, and asking her "if
+she had no heart at all, at all." The woman was asked if she could
+recollect what day it was on which she had witnessed the scene in the
+rocking-chair. She said it was the twenty-first day of May, because on
+that day the bantam hen had hatched a brood of chickens, and she had
+marked the date of the successful incubation on the top of the hen-coop.
+A letter, from Pate to Juliet, was then produced, dated the twenty-fifth
+of May, in which he spoke of the promise he had made her, and which he
+would never forget. The nature of this promise was not explained by the
+context; but so powerful was the impression made on the minds of the
+jury, that, after the closing argument of the counsel for the plaintiff,
+in which the character of M. T. Pate was torn to tatters, they retired,
+and soon returned with a verdict awarding damages to the injured lady to
+the amount of twenty thousand dollars.
+
+In each case a motion for a new trial failed, and the judgments were
+soon followed by executions, under which the whole of Pate's property
+was seized and sold. He bore his reverses with fortitude until he saw
+old Whitey under the auctioneer's hammer, when his firmness forsook him,
+and he was seen to shed tears. When the judgments were satisfied but a
+small sum remained. Pate was compelled to remove from his beautiful
+residence, and obtained lodgings in the boarding-house where the
+Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies had dwelt for many
+months.
+
+Not long afterwards he was informed by one of the respectable maiden
+ladies that Juliet, with the proceeds arising from the sale of his real
+and personal estate in her possession, had been married to Romeo, to
+whom she had become reconciled. M. T. Pate had no ill feelings towards
+this young man, and could not help pitying him. He predicted, in the
+presence of the Professor and the five respectable maiden ladies, that
+Romeo would be murdered by Juliet, in cold blood, before the end of the
+honeymoon.
+
+At the very moment when Pate was predicting this homicide, the young
+wife was seated by Romeo's side on the rustic bench by the fountain. One
+arm was around Romeo's neck and her head rested fondly against his
+shoulder. And it so happened that their conversation was about M. T.
+Pate.
+
+"And he asserted," said Juliet, "that on this very spot he was
+dreadfully beaten. How strange that a man, who reads the prayers from
+the pulpit, should tell such a falsehood!"
+
+"Dearest Juliet," said Romeo, "Mr. Pate did not tell a falsehood."
+
+"Oh, Romeo! can you believe that man's story?"
+
+"Indeed, I do."
+
+"Believe that Mr. Pate was beaten?"
+
+"Yes; dreadfully beaten."
+
+"By me?"
+
+"No; not by you."
+
+"By whom?"
+
+"By him who is now your loving husband."
+
+"By you?"
+
+"Yes; by me. When I heard that you had been suddenly called from home to
+attend upon your grandmother, who was sick, I clothed myself in female
+attire, and seated myself on this bench, to settle accounts with M. T.
+Pate. It was this arm which dealt him the blow under the eye, and
+afterwards wielded the cudgel which bruised his body and fractured his
+limb."
+
+"Oh, Romeo! you nearly murdered him."
+
+"Had it not been for the approach of the laborers I would have murdered
+him!"
+
+"You would?"
+
+"Dearest Juliet, I loved you so that I would have murdered twenty men
+for your sake!"
+
+Juliet threw her arms around Romeo's neck and kissed him a countless
+multitude of times; and, strange as it may seem, she loved her husband
+more deeply after he had confessed that he was capable of committing
+twenty homicides for her sake.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV.
+
+
+The marriage of Juliet to Romeo had made one young man supremely happy,
+and another intensely miserable. At a distance of about three miles from
+the residence of the fair Juliet dwelt Farmer Lovegood, having an only
+son, who, as he grew up, looked so like a picture of the leader of the
+Israelites in the farmer's old family Bible, that he was called Moses by
+common consent, and was soon known by no other name. This
+unsophisticated youth had always been remarkable for bashfulness in the
+presence of the opposite sex. So vividly had his imagination depicted
+the horrors of a captivity in the hands of these merciless foes of the
+masculine gender that, at the first glimpse of a petticoat, he would
+frequently glide away as if he had beheld "the devil in disguise." But
+on a certain Sabbath he saw the beautiful Juliet, seated in her father's
+pew, and was cruelly enamored. He became a regular attendant at the
+church; but instead of joining in the devotions of the congregation, he
+sat in a corner and silently worshiped the lovely owner of the pair of
+blue eyes and golden tresses. During the week he profoundly meditated on
+the beauty of Juliet, and on each successive Sunday repaired to the
+church, and devoutly adored her in the seclusion of his corner.
+
+At length Moses manfully resolves on a pilgrimage to the hallowed spot
+which holds the object of his adoration. Accordingly he starts from his
+rural home, and, with infinite toil, wends his way in solitude beneath
+the silvery light of the twinkling stars, through tangled thickets and
+thorny fields; floundering through bogs and briers, and tumbling over
+snake-fences, with thoughts so delicious that, could they have escaped
+from his bosom and taken a beautiful embodiment, they would have planted
+his pathway with flowers as sweet as if steeped in the honeyed dews of
+Hymettus. And now he comes in view of the mansion in which dwells the
+lovely idol of his worship. He stands beneath the spreading boughs of
+the trees which shade the sacred spot. He sees the lights within the
+neatly-furnished parlor. He even hears the siren song of the
+enchantress, giving utterance to the sweet emotions of her soul, as if
+magnetically informed of his approach and inviting him to enter. But he
+pauses. His faculties are seized with a sudden panic, like raw recruits
+when first brought into action. His heart palpitates, and, with a
+pit-a-pat motion, comes mounting up to his mouth. His joints tremble. He
+walks to and fro under the trees, like a fellow sent upon a fool's
+errand, who has forgotten his message. Finally the lights disappear, and
+the fair Juliet has retired to rest, while the toil-worn swain proceeds
+homeward, breathless, and faint, and leaning upon his hickory cudgel.
+Moses made many nightly pilgrimages in the same manner, and with similar
+results; until, one morning, he accidentally heard that Juliet was
+married to Romeo.
+
+The unfortunate Moses now became intimately acquainted with misery.
+Sleep forsook his pillow, and after several nights of wakefulness, he
+began to meditate upon the various methods of putting one's self to
+death; but for a number of days his conclusions were unsatisfactory. He
+put the muzzle of a pistol in his mouth, but there was a mutiny among
+his fingers, and they rebelliously refused to obey his will, and pull
+the trigger. He seated himself on a beam in his father's barn, with one
+end of a rope around his neck and the other securely fastened to the
+beam, when he suddenly recollected that a man who is hanged usually
+turns black in the face and presents a hideous appearance. He stood on a
+brow of a precipice, overhanging a deep and turbid stream, and was about
+to leap into the water below, when he recoiled with horror at the
+prospect of being eaten by the fishes, and thus deprived of decent
+sepulture.
+
+Moses now wisely determined to pass away without any unnecessary
+suffering. He supposed that on the shelves of the apothecary, in
+Mapleton, were potent drugs which would put him in a condition of
+somnolency, during which he could easily glide out of this sublunary
+state of existence. So he proceeded to the town, and having procured the
+proper material for his purpose, was hurrying homeward with deadly
+intent, when he inadvertently ran against a man who was standing in the
+street reading a newspaper to a crowd of people. The rapidity with which
+Moses was walking caused him to collide with great force, and nearly
+overthrew the reader of the paper. The man turned round, and, grasping
+Moses by the collar, shook him fiercely.
+
+"I beg pardon!" exclaimed Moses, aroused, by the rude shaking he had
+received, to a consciousness of his surroundings,--"I beg pardon! I did
+not see."
+
+"Did not see!" said the man. "Where are your eyes that you can't see a
+whole crowd of people?"
+
+"I beg pardon!" reiterated Moses, meekly.
+
+"It is granted; but mind how you walk next time!" And with this
+admonition, the man resumed the reading of the paper, as follows:
+
+"Immense discoveries in the placers! Captain M. reported to have already
+fifteen barrels buried!"
+
+"Fifteen barrels of what?" asked Moses of a man standing near him, and
+who happened to be M. T. Pate.
+
+"Fifteen barrels of gold!" said Pate.
+
+"Of what?"
+
+"Of gold."
+
+"Have they discovered gold near Mapleton?"
+
+"No--no--not here."
+
+"Where, then?"
+
+"In California. Have you not heard the news? The papers have been full
+of the accounts for the last three weeks. Where have you been living?"
+
+"At home."
+
+"And not heard of the gold discoveries! People are digging out gold-dust
+by the barrel. In a week a man can become as rich as John Jacob Astor.
+We have formed a company and are going to California as soon as the ship
+is ready to sail."
+
+"I would like to go," said Moses.
+
+"You can join our company."
+
+"I will go," said Moses.
+
+"Come along with me," said Pate. And he conducted his recruit to a room
+where several members of his company were assembled. Here Moses was
+introduced to Wiggins, Love, and Dove, and a long and earnest
+conversation ensued; after which Moses signed a paper purporting to be
+the constitution of a mining association; to which were already
+subscribed the names of the persons present, and also of Messrs Botts,
+Perch, and Bliss.
+
+"When does the ship sail?" asked Moses.
+
+"In about a week," said Wiggins.
+
+"We leave Mapleton to-morrow," said Pate. "We must be in the city to
+make arrangements for the voyage."
+
+"I wish we were off," said Moses. "I will go home and bid my father
+farewell, and come here to-night."
+
+Moses hurried home, and on the way threw the deadly drug, which he had
+purchased of the apothecary, into a stream of water to poison the
+fishes. He thought no more of suicide. Avarice had entered his soul, and
+expelled another powerful passion, which had been impelling him to the
+commission of _felo de se_. Love, like a cruel leopard, had clutched the
+heart of Moses, when Avarice, like a mighty lion, appeared and
+compelled the leopard to abandon its prey.
+
+The father of Moses had already heard of the wonderful discoveries of
+gold on the Pacific coast, and was willing that his son should go
+thither and secure his fortune. The parent was a pious man, and he bade
+Moses kneel before him, while he laid his hands on his head and gave him
+his blessing. He then proceeded to his barn, and procuring two sacks
+made of stout canvas and each capable of containing a couple of bushels,
+he presented them to Moses, saying,--
+
+"My son, be not greedy of gold. Moderate your desires; and when you have
+filled these two sacks return again to your father's house."
+
+Moses dutifully vowed obedience to the injunctions of his venerable
+sire. He received the sacks with a light heart, for he felt that light
+was the task imposed upon him. He departed with the pleasing
+anticipation of a brief sojourn in the distant land and a speedy return
+to the halls of his ancestors.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV.
+
+
+"It was the saddest hour of my life when I parted from Rosabel," said
+Toney to the Professor, as they stood on the platform at the railway in
+Mapleton waiting for the train which was to convey them to the
+Monumental City, where they were to embark for California.
+
+"Rosabel was willing that you should go?" asked the Professor.
+
+"The dear girl wept as if her heart was breaking. I never knew how
+deeply I loved her until then. Only to think that I may be absent for
+five years! But we both thought that it was better that I should go."
+
+"And make the hundred thousand dollars."
+
+"There can be no hope of our union until I have the hundred thousand
+dollars. You know the Widow Wild's eccentricity."
+
+"That woman is a profound mystery. And Tom Seddon, whom we expect in the
+train,--do you think that he can part from Ida?"
+
+"Poor Tom's situation is like mine. He can never hope to marry Ida while
+her uncle is alive, unless he has an ample fortune."
+
+"You refer to the old Cerberus, who used to pretend to have fits of
+canine rabies, and drive Tom out of the house?"
+
+"He has entirely excluded Tom from the house."
+
+"Where does Tom manage to see Ida?"
+
+"At Colonel Hazlewood's residence. Ida is the only companion of Claribel
+and Imogen, who see no other company."
+
+"See no company! They used to be gay enough."
+
+"When Clarence and Harry went to Mexico, they secluded themselves from
+society."
+
+"What has become of those young men? They did not return when the troops
+came back from Mexico."
+
+"At the battle of Molino del Rey, where both were distinguished for
+heroic daring, Clarence was badly wounded; and, after our army entered
+the City of Mexico, he was in the hospital for several months, and was
+tenderly nursed by Harry until he recovered. When peace was concluded,
+and the army was about to march back to Vera Cruz, they resigned their
+commissions and proceeded to the port of Acapulco on the Pacific coast.
+Since then there have been no tidings of them."
+
+"Look yonder!" said the Professor. "Are they going to California?"
+
+Toney's eyes followed the direction indicated by the Professor's finger,
+and beheld what seemed like a procession of giants. In front towered
+Mrs. Foot by the side of her tremendous husband; while behind them
+walked the three stupendous sisters, followed by Hercules, who brought
+up the rear.
+
+"A fine morning, Mrs. Foot," said Toney.
+
+"How do you do, Mr. Belton?" said the towering lady. "Have you seen Mr.
+Love?"
+
+"He has gone to the city to embark for California," said Toney.
+
+"He has!" exclaimed Mrs. Foot. "And Dove? And Bliss?"
+
+"Gone with Mr. Love," said Toney.
+
+"I told you so!" said Gideon Foot, looking around at the young giantess
+in his rear.
+
+"Going to California--are they?" cried Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Yes, madam," said Toney.
+
+"If I catch Dove I'll wring his neck!" said the gigantic Gideon.
+
+"Oh, father!" exclaimed Theodosia.
+
+"Come!" said Gideon, gruffly. "Yonder is the train!"
+
+The harsh scream of a steam whistle was heard, and a train of cars
+thundered up to the platform. Gideon Foot and his family went on board,
+and were followed by Toney and the Professor, who found Tom Seddon,
+seated in a car, looking pale and melancholy. After an exchange of
+salutations, poor Tom relapsed into silence, for he was thinking of Ida.
+Toney was also extremely taciturn, and hardly uttered a word until they
+reached the depot in the suburbs of the city. Here they took a carriage,
+and were driven directly to where the ship lay at the wharf, and went on
+board,--their arrangements having been made on a former visit to this
+beautiful metropolis of Maryland.
+
+Mrs. Foot and her three daughters proceeded to the residence of her
+sister, who lived in the city, and was the wife of a Mr. Sampson. Gideon
+and Hercules went in search of Love, Dove, and Bliss. In about an hour
+they encountered these three adventurous gold-hunters daintily dressed,
+with nice silk hats on their heads, and polished French leather on their
+lower extremities. Each had white kid gloves on his hands, and carried a
+slender cane, with which he occasionally tapped the toe of his boot.
+They looked like little bridegrooms going to be married.
+
+"Good-morning, Mr. Love," said Gideon, blandly.
+
+"I am glad to see you, Mr. Foot," said Love. And he and his two
+companions shook hands with Gideon and Hercules.
+
+"You seem to be in a hurry," said Gideon.
+
+"The ship sails to-day, and we must be aboard," said Love.
+
+"Going to California?" said Gideon.
+
+"Yes; going to dig gold," said Love. And he and Dove tapped the toes of
+their boots with their little canes, while Bliss pulled off his new silk
+hat and smoothed his odoriferous locks.
+
+"Hercules is going," said Gideon.
+
+"Are you, indeed?" asked Love, looking up at Hercules.
+
+"Yes," said Hercules, "as soon as I have bid my mother good-by."
+
+"Is Mrs. Foot in town?" inquired Love.
+
+"She is, and would be so glad to see you," said Gideon. "Come with us
+and bid Mrs. Foot good-by, and Hercules will go with you to the ship."
+
+"Let us go and bid Mrs. Foot good-by," said Love, looking at his two
+companions.
+
+"We will go," said Dove.
+
+"Let us go," said Bliss.
+
+"Come," said Gideon. And the three little men accompanied the gigantic
+father and son to the residence of Mrs. Sampson. They entered the house,
+and were conducted by Gideon, through a large front apartment, to a back
+parlor, which communicated, by a door, with a room in the rear.
+
+"Take seats, gentlemen," said Gideon. "Mrs. Foot will be with you in a
+moment."
+
+Gideon returned to the hall where Hercules was waiting.
+
+"Go fetch the parson," said Gideon. "Make haste!"
+
+Hercules hurried away, and Gideon returned to the back parlor and locked
+both doors. He then stood in the middle of the floor and elevated
+himself to his full height, so that his head almost seemed to touch the
+low ceiling, as he gazed sternly at Love, Dove, and Bliss, who sat on a
+sofa, and who now began to tremble.
+
+"Look here!" said Gideon, "I am a man of few words. Do you know what you
+have got to do?"
+
+"What?" said Love, looking dreadfully frightened.
+
+"You three fellows have been hanging around my daughters for the last
+six months," said Gideon. "You have come to the house in the morning;
+you have come in the afternoon; you have come at all hours, and the
+girls have had no time to do any household work on account of you. Even
+at night, when they were in bed, you would be under their windows making
+more noise than so many tomcats with your serenades. Now, what do you
+intend to do?"
+
+"Nothing," said little Love, very meekly.
+
+"Nothing!" exclaimed the gigantic Gideon Foot. "Nothing! Just say that
+again and I will wring your neck! Come! I'll have no fooling! You have
+got to marry my three daughters!"
+
+The eyes of the three little men widely dilated, and were fixed on
+Gideon's towering form, but their tongues were silent; they were dumb
+with terror.
+
+"You have got just ten minutes to make up your minds. If you don't agree
+to marry my daughters, I will come back in ten minutes and wring your
+necks."
+
+Gideon left the room and locked the door.
+
+"What shall we do?" said Love.
+
+"He has locked the door," said Dove.
+
+"He'll murder us!" said Bliss.
+
+"We had better marry the young ladies," said Love.
+
+"You will take Cleopatra," said Dove.
+
+"And you will take Theodosia," said Love.
+
+"And Bliss will marry Sophonisba," said Dove.
+
+The three little men now held a hurried consultation, and were
+unanimously in favor of matrimony, when Gideon opened the door.
+
+"Your ten minutes are out," said Gideon.
+
+"We have agreed to be married," said Love.
+
+"Very good," said Gideon. "The parson is waiting in the front room, and
+I have the three licenses in my pocket. Which one do you marry?"
+
+"Cleopatra," said Love.
+
+Gideon went to the door opening into the back room, and unlocking it,
+put his head through and uttered a few words. Cleopatra came forth,
+blushing.
+
+"Stand up!" said Gideon to Love.
+
+Love arose from his seat trembling from head to foot.
+
+"Take her arm," said Gideon. "That's right. Now, come along!"
+
+Gideon opened the door, and Love walked with Cleopatra into the front
+room, where stood the parson with his book open ready to make them man
+and wife. In a very brief space of time Love and Cleopatra were united
+in the holy bands of matrimony. The parson looked as if he expected to
+see the happy man salute his bride; but Love was unable to reach up, and
+Cleopatra did not bend down, and so this formality was not observed. The
+wedded pair walked into the back parlor, followed by Gideon, who turned
+to Dove and said,--
+
+"Whom do you marry?"
+
+"Theodosia, if you please," said Dove, with meek resignation.
+
+At the summons of Gideon, Theodosia appeared and was united to Dove, and
+then Sophonisba was married to Bliss. Mrs. Foot then rushed from the
+back room and fondly embraced her daughters, and also her three little
+sons.
+
+"There, now," said Gideon, "we are through with the business. Are the
+carriages at the door?" asked he of Hercules, who went out to ascertain
+if they had arrived.
+
+"We will go home in the next train," said Gideon.
+
+"Can't we go to California?" whimpered Love.
+
+"No," said Gideon, "of course not. You must go home with your wives."
+
+"And be happy," said Mrs. Foot.
+
+"Hercules is going to California," said Gideon. "He can dig gold enough
+for the whole family."
+
+Hercules was standing in the street before the door, when Pate and
+Wiggins approached him.
+
+"Have you seen Mr. Love?" asked Pate.
+
+"He is in there," said Hercules, pointing to the house.
+
+"And Dove and Bliss?" said Pate.
+
+"In there with Love," said Hercules.
+
+"We have been looking for them," said Wiggins.
+
+"The ship will sail in a few hours, and they should be on board," said
+Pate.
+
+"I don't think they are going," said Hercules.
+
+"Not going!" exclaimed Pate.
+
+"I think not," said Hercules.
+
+Two carriages were now driven up, and stopped in front of the house.
+The door opened, and out came Love hanging on the arm of Cleopatra.
+
+"Mr. Love! Mr. Love!" exclaimed Pate, "the ship is about to sail and you
+should be on board. Come with us."
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said Love, with a look of despair.
+
+"Come along!" said Cleopatra. And she and her little husband entered one
+of the carriages.
+
+"Good heavens!" ejaculated Pate.
+
+"Married!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"Mr. Dove! Mr. Dove! you will be left!" cried Pate, as Theodosia led her
+husband down the steps.
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said poor Dove, as his wife conducted him to
+the carriage.
+
+"Indeed, Mr. Bliss, you will be left behind!" said Pate, as Bliss and
+his bride descended the steps.
+
+"I can't go; I am married," said the little man, dolefully, as
+Sophonisba led him to the carriage.
+
+"All married!" exclaimed Wiggins.
+
+"What does it mean?" said Pate.
+
+"Good-by, Hercules," said Gideon.
+
+"God bless you, my son," said Mrs. Foot. And she threw her arms around
+his neck and kissed him.
+
+"Good-by, father! good-by, mother!" said Hercules. And then he rushed to
+one of the carriages, and putting in his head, exclaimed, "Good-by,
+sisters! good-by, little brothers!"
+
+The three brides kissed Hercules and wept, while their husbands shook
+him by the hand. After many fond embraces and wishes for his welfare the
+carriages were driven off, leaving Hercules standing in the street, with
+Wiggins and Pate gazing up at him with looks of perplexity.
+
+"Are you going to California?" asked Pate.
+
+"I am," said the giant, wiping the tears from his eyes.
+
+"And Love, Dove, and Bliss are not going?" said Wiggins.
+
+"No; they have married my sisters, and are going home to be happy," said
+Hercules. And he wiped away some more tears that came into his eyes.
+
+"What made them marry your sisters?" asked Pate.
+
+"I reckon it was because they loved them," said Hercules.
+
+"They should have given us notice," said Wiggins.
+
+"We have lost three men from our company," said Pate.
+
+"Did my little brothers belong to your company?" asked Hercules.
+
+"They did," said Pate.
+
+"And have left us without giving notice," said Wiggins.
+
+"Will you take me in their places?" said Hercules. "I can dig more gold
+than they could."
+
+"Will you join our company?" asked Pate.
+
+"Yes, if you will give me as much gold as my three little brothers were
+to get. I can do more digging than all three of them."
+
+"So he can," said Wiggins.
+
+"I have no doubt of it," said Pate, looking at the towering form and
+broad shoulders of the giant with enthusiastic admiration.
+
+After a brief conference, the proposition of Hercules was acceded to,
+and the three gold-hunters hurried on board the vessel, which was about
+to spread her white wings, and proceed on her way to the land where
+rivers were said to be rolling between banks of golden sands, which
+glittered in the last rays of the setting sun.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI.
+
+
+As the ship moved away from the wharf, and was towed by the steam-tug
+into the stream, M. T. Pate stood upon the deck, humming a stanza of
+Byron's celebrated adieu to his native land, when he heard a strain of
+music as if coming from the clouds. From the foretop, in clear and
+mellifluous tones, was heard the following melody:
+
+
+     Farewell! farewell! but ever,
+       When wand'ring o'er the sea,
+     Though worlds of water sever,
+       This heart shall turn to thee.
+
+     Though thy sweet smile be hidden
+       Unto my soul so dear;
+     Though I be then forbidden
+       Thine angel voice to hear;
+
+     Though stern fate bid me wander
+       Away from thee afar,
+     Yet hope will turn the fonder
+       Unto its one bright star.
+
+     The bird that on the bough, love,
+       So sweetly sang of late,
+     Hath often been ere now, love,
+       Thus driven from his mate;
+
+     But still he wakes his song, love,
+       Returning there anew;
+     And thus, oh, thus, ere long, love,
+       Will I return to you.
+
+
+"A sweet little cherub sits up aloft to cheer us with his soothing
+symphony," said Professor to Toney.
+
+"It is Tom Seddon," said Toney, glancing upward. "Just now he climbed up
+the rigging, inserted his person through the lubber's hole, and seated
+himself in the foretop."
+
+"Where he is laudably exercising his lungs for the entertainment of the
+company below," said the Professor.
+
+"Poor Tom is not thinking of the company below," said Toney. "His
+thoughts are far away."
+
+"With Ida?" said the Professor. "Yet one of the company below seems to
+be wonderfully excited by his music. Did you ever hear such a clatter of
+hoofs?"
+
+"You refer to the young gentleman on the top of the cook's galley, who
+is occupied with certain saltatory movements which appear to be an
+awkward imitation of dancing?" said Toney.
+
+"Who is he?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Sam Perch," said Toney.
+
+"The verdant youth who is sometimes called the Long Green Boy?" said the
+Professor.
+
+"The same," said Toney.
+
+"This extraordinary lad seems to possess the chameleon-like faculty of
+occasionally changing his color," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" said Toney.
+
+"He has ceased to be green for the present, and has become exceedingly
+_blue_."
+
+"Is punning allowable?" said Toney.
+
+"That depends entirely on circumstances," said the Professor. "If on dry
+land a man makes a pun in your presence, knock him down if you are
+able."
+
+"And at sea?" said Toney.
+
+"Pun away as much as you please. In Neptune's dominions the area of
+liberty is ample, and freedom of speech is seldom interfered with."
+
+"Do you recognize that solemn personage standing at the bow and gazing
+so intently over the broad waters?" said Toney.
+
+"It is Moses," said the Professor. "He hopes soon to get a glimpse of
+the land of promise."
+
+"I heard him tell Hercules just now that he only wanted four bushels of
+gold-dust,--two for himself and two for his father. He said that he
+expected to fill his two sacks in about a week after he reached the
+mines, and should then immediately start for home."
+
+"His absence will be of short duration," said the Professor. "But who is
+Hercules?"
+
+"The big fellow to whom Botts has just administered a potation from the
+black bottle which he now holds in his hand," said Toney.
+
+"The giant smacks his lips in approval at the quality of the contents,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"I certainly recognize that nose," said Toney, pointing to an individual
+whose face was covered with an impenetrable thicket of black beard,
+leaving only two twinkling eyes and his nasal protuberance visible.
+
+"That extraordinary nose belongs to William Wiggins," said the
+Professor.
+
+"To Rosebud?"
+
+"No longer Rosebud," said the Professor. "As soon as he came on board
+the sailors called him Old Grizzly. He will be known by no other name at
+sea, for when the jolly tars are in the nominative case, the designation
+they give a man always clings to him. Hereafter we may as well cease to
+call him Wiggins, and speak of him as Old Grizzly."
+
+"He must have been at enmity with the barbers for the last four weeks,"
+said Toney.
+
+"When he determined to seek his fortune in the auriferous regions of the
+far West, he made a solemn vow not to allow a razor to come in contact
+with his countenance until he had dug two barrels of gold, which he said
+was enough for any one man. So his beard must continue to grow longer
+until he gets his two barrels of gold."
+
+"It will be long enough before he gets the gold," said Toney.
+
+"Pun away boldly," said the Professor; "we are now on the water. But
+come, let us go below, and look after our goods and chattels."
+
+During the night the ship anchored in the bay; and next morning the
+pilot was sent off, and she stood out to sea.
+
+Coming on deck at an early hour in the morning, Toney and the Professor
+were watching the silvery spray darting off from the bow, when they
+heard a singular sound, as if proceeding from some huge sea-monster
+seized with a fit of the colic. Looking along the bulwarks, they beheld
+poor Hercules, with outstretched neck and dilated eyes, pouring out
+libations to the inexorable god of the seas. And soon, with pallid
+cheeks, M. T. Pate appeared, followed by the Long Green Boy, Old
+Grizzly, and Moses, who, with many others, silently glided to the side
+of the giant, who, as he stood thrusting out his head and neck with
+certain indescribable jerks, and towering above his companions, engaged
+in similar exercises, resembled some tall and bulky Shanghai rooster,
+with all his numerous progeny around him, grievously afflicted with that
+terrible visitation of the poultry-yard which hen-wives denominate the
+gapes.
+
+The Professor was a benevolent little fellow, with a high opinion of his
+medical skill; so he proceeded to the cabin, and brought forth a bottle
+containing a beverage much more potent than that in which Adam was
+accustomed to drink the health of Eve when in the garden of Eden. He
+first applied to Hercules; and holding the neck of the bottle in close
+proximity to his lips, earnestly exhorted him to try the infallible
+remedy of absorption, assuring him that it was a sovereign cure for his
+ailment in particular, as well as for nearly every other ill in this
+sublunary state of existence. But Hercules, grinning "horribly a ghastly
+grin," turned quickly away, and gave expression to his abhorrence of the
+proposition in loud and boisterous sounds, which seemed to come from the
+very bottom of a soul intimately acquainted with sorrow.
+
+The kind-hearted Professor then proceeded to the Long Green Boy, who was
+rapidly projecting out and drawing back his head in a horizontal
+direction, and giving utterance to a succession of sounds which
+resembled a small hurricane of hiccoughs. The verdant youth cast a look
+of disgust at the sparkling fluid, and waving his hand impatiently,
+turned away, and continued in the awkward but faithful performance of
+his part in the exercises of the morning. Moses gave the Professor a
+look of indignation, while Old Grizzly so far forgot himself as to
+advise the benevolent little fellow, in the emphatic phraseology usually
+employed by the sons of Belial, to locate himself in a certain remote
+quarter of the universe not proper to be mentioned to "ears polite."
+
+The Professor then entreated M. T. Pate to imbibe from the bottle
+containing his catholicon. But poor Pate was busily engaged in the
+performance of sundry remarkable and difficult evolutions; thrusting out
+and drawing in his head with unexampled vigor.
+
+"He is trying to swallow his own head," said Toney, taking the Professor
+aside and pointing to Pate.
+
+"And actually seems to entertain the most sanguine hopes of succeeding
+in his hazardous undertaking," said the Professor.
+
+"What undertaking?" asked Tom Seddon, who just then came on deck.
+
+"He is seeking to swallow his own cocoanut," said the Professor.
+
+"Who?" asked Tom.
+
+"M. T. Pate," said the Professor. "Look at him! I am apprehensive that
+he will succeed."
+
+"You could not induce any of them to imbibe?" said Toney.
+
+"No," said the Professor; "they are teetotalers, and Hercules is the
+President of the association. Come, let me introduce you to the
+amphibious animals who inhabit the forecastle."
+
+The Professor and his two friends walked forward, and saw seated on the
+anchor an old sea-monster, with a very short pipe in his mouth. His
+original name was Timothy; but several reefs had been taken in it by his
+shipmates, and it had been finally tucked up into Tim.
+
+Tom Seddon, like most young lovers who have just parted from the objects
+of their affections, had a tender heart, and, pitying the old sailor
+reduced to the necessity of endangering the end of his nose when he
+performed the important ceremony of fumigation, handed him a pipe with a
+long stem.
+
+Old Tim examined this valuable present with a cool glance of criticism;
+and then proceeded to break the stem.
+
+"Don't," said Tom. "What are you doing?"
+
+"Too much timber!" said the old tar, laconically. And he broke off the
+stem within an inch of the bowl, which he filled with chips from a plug
+of tobacco; putting on top a live coal procured from the cook's galley.
+
+"That beats thunder!" said Tom.
+
+"Let him alone," said the Professor. "If he wants to give his proboscis
+the benefit of an auto da fe, it is his own business."
+
+"Look at him!" said Tom.
+
+"His nasal protuberance enveloped in vapor looks like an altar
+abundantly supplied with incense," said the Professor. "But who are
+those dusky gentlemen with whom Toney seems to be so intimate?"
+
+"This one is from the island of Madeira," said Toney.
+
+"Si, senor," said the sailor.
+
+"His name is Pedro," said Toney.
+
+"Which being interpreted is Peter," said the Professor.
+
+"Pete," said Old Tim, with a puff at his pipe.
+
+"Probably that is a corruption of the text," said the Professor,
+suggestively.
+
+"And here is a Sardinian whose name is Pablo," said Toney.
+
+"Which when translated is Paul," said the Professor.
+
+"Jupiter!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, jumping back.
+
+"It is Jupiter's brother," said the Professor, as a huge head appeared
+over the bow, followed by an immense body, which had been down in the
+forechains. "Neptune is coming on board to give you a fraternal hug."
+
+"Old Nick!" said Tim, with another puff at his short pipe.
+
+"Old Nick?" said the Professor. "I was not aware that he was an aquatic
+animal. I had always understood that he delighted to dwell in another
+element."
+
+"Who is that lad running down the rigging?" said Tom to Timothy.
+
+"Young Nick," said the salt, with another puff at his pipe.
+
+"Old Nick and Young Nick!" said the Professor. "Undoubtedly these are
+nicknames bestowed on them for euphony."
+
+"What port is that?" asked Tim, taking the pipe from his mouth.
+
+"It lies on the south side of the Anonymous Islands," said the
+Professor.
+
+"I have been there," said Old Nick. "Sailed with Captain Morrell in the
+ship Tartar. Good port. Rum cheap and tobacco plenty."
+
+"I have no doubt of it," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat
+on a coil of rope, and, at the sound of the steward's bell summoning
+them to breakfast, walked with Toney and Tom to the cabin.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII.
+
+
+"Look at M. T. Pate," said Tom Seddon, as he sat with Toney and the
+Professor on deck one morning, about a week after they had been at sea.
+
+The ship was running at the rate of nine knots, with the wind on the
+quarter.
+
+"He treads as tremulously as a turkey condemned to the ordeal of
+tripping over a liberal sprinkling of hot ashes," said the Professor.
+
+"Getting his sea-legs," said Old Tim, as he toddled by with a rope in
+his hand.
+
+"Our venerable friend suggests that Pate is about to undergo a
+metamorphosis and become amphibious," said the Professor.
+
+"What are Wiggins and Botts doing yonder?" said Toney.
+
+"Hugging!" said Tom.
+
+"The hug of the Old Grizzly is dangerous," said the Professor.
+
+"And Perch and Hercules seem to have fraternized," said Toney.
+
+"The Long Green Boy is clinging to the giant as the vine clings to the
+oak," said the Professor.
+
+"Poor Moses!" said Toney.
+
+"Look at him!" said Tom.
+
+"His eyes are amply dilated," said the Professor.
+
+"He is afraid that the ship will be upset," said Tom.
+
+"How do you think that Pate would now perform on the light fantastic
+toe?" said Toney.
+
+"Speaking of that suggests an idea," said the Professor.
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"Next Thursday will be Washington's birthday," said the Professor.
+
+"Well?" said Toney.
+
+"Let us have a ball," said the Professor.
+
+"A ball!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"A ball!" cried Tom.
+
+"Yes," said the Professor, "let us have a ball for the fun of the
+thing."
+
+"We are the Funny Philosophers," said Toney.
+
+"Let us have the ball," said Tom.
+
+"But where are the ladies?" said Toney.
+
+"There are no representatives of these sweet 'wingless angels' on board
+except the captain's spouse," said the Professor.
+
+"Who has sailed in company with her weather-beaten consort for some
+twenty years," said Toney.
+
+"And is as good a seaman as himself," said Tom.
+
+"Do not be tossing the queen's English on the horns of an Irish bull,"
+said the Professor. "Yet what you say is measurably true; for when the
+venerable Timothy is more than ordinarily sad and susceptible of
+melancholy impressions, he is often heard to bitterly complain of his
+hard lot in being compelled to serve under a 'she boss,' who, he
+alleges, is the better man of the two."
+
+"I have no doubt," said Tom, "of the ability of this ancient lady to
+carry the ship safely through the dangers of the most difficult
+navigation."
+
+"But," said Toney, "I hardly suppose that she would be able to steer
+through the intricate mazes of a fashionable hop without the imminent
+danger of running aground."
+
+"Yet," said the Professor, "her presence on board relieves us from a
+perplexing dilemma."
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"There can be no doubt," said the Professor, "that in sundry sea-chests
+she has stowed away an incalculable quantity of female attire. Now, if I
+can but obtain the run of her wardrobe, the preparations for the ball
+will be made without difficulty."
+
+"Let us call a meeting in the cabin," said Toney.
+
+"A most excellent suggestion!" said the Professor. "Let the meeting be
+immediately convened."
+
+A meeting of the passengers resulted in a determination to have a grand
+ball in honor of the birthday of the immortal Washington, and the
+Professor was unanimously chosen to make the arrangements. He
+immediately entered upon the performance of his arduous and important
+duties. After a negotiation, which was conducted on his part with the
+skill of a consummate diplomatist, he succeeded in concluding an
+advantageous treaty with the captain's lady, and obtained an abundant
+supply of female apparel. A number of the most youthful of the
+passengers were then subjected to a tonsorial operation, obliterating
+every indication of a nascent beard from their features; after which
+they were arrayed in the garments obtained from the old lady's wardrobe.
+
+"Don't they look beautiful?" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Just like a bevy of blushing and modest maidens," said Toney.
+
+"The susceptible Long Green Boy has fallen in love with one of them
+already," said Tom.
+
+"I fear that he will again be the victim of a hopeless attachment," said
+Toney.
+
+"I regret the absence of Love and Dove," said the Professor.
+
+"What nice little ladies they would have made!" said Tom.
+
+"Their dancing days are over," said Toney.
+
+"Matrimony imposes important duties," said the Professor; "and the
+little Loves and Doves will soon claim their undivided attention."
+
+The ball-room was a long apartment, under the forecastle, called the
+forward cabin. It was illuminated by a number of lamps, which "shone
+o'er fair women and brave men" assembled to enjoy that "scene of revelry
+by night."
+
+"Look at Moses!" said Tom Seddon.
+
+"The young man seems to be greatly terrified," said the Professor.
+
+"He is like one under an optical illusion," said Toney.
+
+"Moses believes he is now in the presence of more than a dozen beautiful
+women," said Tom.
+
+"And has shrunk timidly in a corner to avoid the observation of the
+enemy," said Toney.
+
+"He has attracted the attention of a young maiden who has fixed her
+bright glances on him, as if meditating mischief," said the Professor.
+
+"She is a bold girl," said Toney.
+
+"Strangely forgetful of the obvious rules of propriety!" said the
+Professor.
+
+"Poor Moses is protesting," said Toney.
+
+"But in vain; for she has grappled him around the waist," said Tom.
+
+"And is carrying him by main force into the middle of the floor," said
+Toney.
+
+"Was ever such vigor witnessed among virgins!" said Tom.
+
+"Never since the extinction of the Amazonian race!" said the Professor.
+
+"Moses and his partner lead off," said Toney.
+
+"Clear the way!" said Tom, as each gayly attired gallant selected a
+partner; and soon "the fun grew fast and furious."
+
+"Mr. Pate seems to be perfectly at home in the dance," said the
+Professor.
+
+"And so does the Long Green Boy," said Toney.
+
+"Old Grizzly is performing his part admirably," said Tom.
+
+"He is peeping from behind a masked battery of black beard upon the
+charms of his agreeable partner," said Toney.
+
+"The young lady should beware of his hug," said Tom.
+
+"The pair forcibly remind one of the old story of Beauty and the Beast,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"Hercules and the damsel with whom he is dancing require an immense
+amount of sea-room," said Toney.
+
+"Heads up!" exclaimed Tom. And, as he uttered this exclamation, the
+ship, which had been running on an even keel, gave a sudden lurch to the
+larboard, upsetting all the fun in an instant, and spoiling the poetry
+of motion.
+
+
+     "Ah, then and there was hurrying to and fro,"
+
+
+and Hercules pitched headforemost with his partner into a bunk. The
+indignant damsel arose and gave utterance to a wish the literal
+fulfillment of which would have found Hercules, poor fellow! sadly in
+need of the aid of an experienced oculist.
+
+After the ceremony of a general prostration there was a tumultuous rush
+for the companion-ladder. The Professor reached the deck, after having
+inadvertently perpetrated the atrocious outrage of tearing away a
+considerable portion of female finery from the person of a fair damsel
+who was boldly mounting ahead, and who bestowed upon him sundry
+benedictions of singular import. The first object he beheld was M. T.
+Pate on his knees in an attitude of supplication.
+
+"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"Now I lay me down to sleep!" ejaculated Pate, with extreme fervor.
+
+"What has happened?" cried Tom Seddon.
+
+"Now I lay me down to sleep!" reiterated Pate.
+
+"No time for praying! You had better cut your yarn short and lay hold on
+a rope," said the mate, in emphatic terms by no means in unison with
+Pate's devotional sentiments.
+
+"What's broke loose?" said Toney.
+
+"The ship has been taken aback!" cried the mate. And he rushed forward
+and commenced kicking old Tim, who was lying supinely on his back in a
+condition of somnolency.
+
+The crew had been inspired with patriotic emotions equal to those of the
+passengers, and, while getting up water from below, had discovered a
+case of brandy, and secretly conveyed it to the forecastle. Here the
+multitude of libations in honor of the father of his country had been
+productive of serious consequences.
+
+In the course of the evening the mate saw approaching one of those
+sudden squalls so common in those latitudes, and ordered all hands
+aloft. But he might as well have been issuing his orders to the inmates
+of a bedlam. There lay Timothy on the deck, a picture of perfect repose
+and innocent tranquillity. Peter and Paul were engaged in a hot
+controversy with Old Nick, whose youthful namesake was occupied with
+certain saltatory movements on the top of the forecastle. Just then the
+squall struck the ship and nearly carried the lee-rail under. In an
+instant the instincts of the sailor were aroused, and all had an idea
+that something was to be done; but there was a strange want of unanimity
+in reference to the measures proper to be adopted. Forth rushed the
+captain from his cabin; but his occupation was gone. There stood Old
+Nick, giving orders vociferously, evidently under the impression that he
+had been recently promoted and was an admiral of the _blue_. This daring
+usurper was finally disposed of by the second mate, who put himself in
+the attitude of a shoulder-striker and laid him at his length in an
+undignified position in the lee-scupper.
+
+It was then that the dancers from the ball-room rushed upon deck.
+These--ladies and all--laid hold on the ropes; and under the direction
+of the officers the canvas was taken in, and the vessel was relieved
+from her perilous situation and brought before the wind.
+
+"Great praise is due to the petticoats," said the Professor, "who, by
+laying aside their modesty and climbing into the rigging, materially
+assisted in saving the ship."
+
+"The women have behaved like men," said Toney.
+
+"Let us drink their health," said Tom.
+
+"That proposition is carried unanimously," said Toney. And they
+proceeded to the cabin and toasted the ladies over a bottle of wine.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII.
+
+
+"Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating upon the immensity of the
+water contained in the ocean," said the Professor, one afternoon, as he
+pointed to Pate, who was leaning over the bulwarks apparently in a
+condition of mental abstraction.
+
+"It is probable that he is now calculating how long a period it would
+take to pump the Atlantic dry," said Toney.
+
+"Land ho!" cried a loud voice in the direction of the forecastle.
+
+There was a general rush forward at this announcement; and on the bow
+stood Peter, pointing with extended arm to some object which he asserted
+was land. But nobody could see it except himself; and Moses soon became
+skeptical, and finally declared that the fellow was a fool. This he
+demonstrated from the fact that Peter kept pointing to a dim cloud,
+about as big as the crown of his hat, with the absurd affirmation that
+it was _terra firma_. The opinion of Moses was warmly supported by M. T.
+Pate and others, who promulgated it with considerable emphasis. But
+Peter still stood at his post pointing prophetically afar off, and he
+now had Old Nick at his elbow, who stoutly corroborated all that he had
+uttered.
+
+In the mean while the vessel, borne along by the breeze, kept steadily
+on her way, and the little cloud loomed larger on the horizon, and
+gradually grew more and more distinct. The almost imperceptible shade
+deepened into a substantial blue, and finally brightened into a
+beautiful green, and Cape Frio became plainly visible.
+
+The prospect of soon getting on shore caused much excitement in the
+cabin, after supper, and considerable conviviality.
+
+After partaking of several glasses of wine, the Professor turned to
+Toney and Tom, and gravely remarked,--
+
+"We are informed, by the highest authority on the subject, that there
+is a very great difference between _ebrius_ and _ebriolus_. It is not
+becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to be anything more than
+_ebriolus_. Let us leave these devotees of Bacchus to their orgies in
+honor of the god of the grape, and go upon deck."
+
+"Come!" said Toney. "I have no wish to carry a headache on shore with me
+to-morrow."
+
+"Nor I," said Tom, ascending the companion-ladder.
+
+They walked forward until they came to the cook's galley, when the
+Professor stopped suddenly and exclaimed, pointing to a hog which had
+been butchered and hung up with its head downward,--
+
+"Here has been a bloody deed!"
+
+"Not a homicide?" said Toney.
+
+"No; a suicide," said Tom.
+
+"Let your puns be in plain English," said the Professor.
+
+"Latin puns are too obscure," said Toney.
+
+"Mr. Seddon must atone for this offense by doing penance," said the
+Professor.
+
+"In what way?" asked Tom.
+
+"You must immediately climb into the rigging and run a rope around the
+foretop-gallant yard," said the Professor.
+
+"What's your purpose?" asked Toney.
+
+"To suspend this deceased porker from the masthead," said the Professor.
+
+"We will have fun," said Tom.
+
+"Fun is the true philosophy of life," said the Professor.
+
+Tom did as directed, and in a few moments the porker rapidly ascended
+and was lashed to the masthead. The Professor then walked to the bow,
+where was seated Old Nick, telling a wonderful yarn to Tim, who was
+smoking his pipe.
+
+"On the Gold Coast six months. The niggers brought us gold-dust in
+quills. One day their duke died."
+
+"Have the negroes dukes among them?" asked Toney.
+
+"Their head-man. They put all his wives and slaves in a pen."
+
+"What for?" asked Tom.
+
+"To knock them on the head and bury them with the duke. Never heard such
+howling. One nigger jumped over the pen, ran down to the shore, and swam
+to the ship. They came around in canoes after him. Captain told me to
+throw him overboard. Had to obey orders. They took him ashore and
+knocked him on the head with clubs. Next night I was on the beach.
+Something jumped right up before me and grinned in my face. Looked like
+the big nigger I had pitched overboard."
+
+"I thought they had knocked him on the head," said Toney.
+
+"His ghost. It gave a whoop and jumped clean over my head, and then
+jumped back again."
+
+"Like a circus-rider," said Tom.
+
+"Kept jumping back and forth over my head, whooping and grinning. I got
+mad, and struck at it with a stick. Jerked stick from my hand and beat
+me over the back with it. I grabbed at the tarnal ghost, and if I could
+have got a grip on it I'd downed it. Couldn't hold it; got scared."
+
+"No wonder," said Toney. "Any man would have been scared with this great
+ugly bugaboo whooping and yelling, and jumping backward and forward over
+his head, and beating him with his own cane."
+
+"Ran for the boat. Ghost followed me. Priest had come ashore in the boat
+with a bottle of holy water in his pocket. He flung it in the critter's
+face, when it gave a whoop and vamosed."
+
+"You infernal thieves!" said the cook, coming forward with a large
+butcher's knife in his hand and confronting the sailors, "what have you
+done with my hog?"
+
+"Didn't touch your hog," said Old Nick.
+
+"Don't be lying there," said the ireful cook. "You have stolen that hog
+and hid it in the forecastle. Not a taste of lobscouse will you lubbers
+get until you give up my hog. I'll cut off your rations, you blasted
+rogues! I'd like to see one of you get any duff for his dinner on
+Sundays, after this."
+
+The sailors were alarmed, for the cook is the great man on shipboard.
+They humbly protested their innocence, but were sternly denounced as
+liars and thieves who had stolen the porker, intended for the
+passengers' dinner, and hidden it in the forecastle. As the cook was
+brandishing his knife, and growing more violent in his denunciations, he
+was startled by hearing loud squeals overhead. The sounds were like the
+shrill cries of a large hog which was having a knife plunged into his
+throat.
+
+"Great thunder!" exclaimed Tom.
+
+The cook and the sailors gazed upward with looks of amazement.
+
+There was a reiteration of loud squeals. The cook dropped his knife and
+ran into his galley. The sailors fled with precipitation, until they
+reached the quarter-deck. Tom Seddon stood gazing upward, while Toney
+whispered to the Professor.
+
+"Yes," said the Professor, "a faculty occasionally exercised. It must be
+a profound secret."
+
+"Shall I tell Tom?"
+
+"Whisper it to him, and warn him to be reticent."
+
+Toney whispered to Tom, who nodded his head and seemed to comprehend.
+
+"You lying lubbers!" said the mate, coming forward, followed by the
+sailors. "Telling your yarns about a hog in the----"
+
+Here there was a succession of loud squeals from the masthead. The hog
+seemed to be in great agony. The sailors fled to the stern, and the mate
+rushed into the captain's cabin. The captain came forward. The squeals
+were louder and more prolonged. The mate trembled and turned pale.
+
+"What is it?" said the captain.
+
+"The cook killed a hog and hung it alongside his galley, and the devil
+has carried it up there!" said the mate, pointing to the masthead.
+
+"The devil is in the habit of getting into hogs," said Toney.
+
+"He once got into a whole herd of swine," said Tom.
+
+"There is Scripture for that," said the mate.
+
+"I must have that hog down," said the captain.
+"Here--Nick--Tim--Peter--Paul! up to the masthead and lower the hog!"
+
+Not a man would stir. The crew loudly swore that they would not go up
+there for any captain that ever trod a quarter-deck.
+
+"You go up," said the captain to the mate.
+
+"Nary time," said the mate. "My business is to navigate the ship,--not
+to fight the devil. You go up."
+
+The captain laid hold on a rope, and was about to ascend, when loud
+squeals were heard, and cries of "Murder! murder! murder!" from the
+masthead. The captain let go his hold and fell on the deck.
+
+"There are more than a dozen devils up there!" shouted the mate.
+
+"What's to be done?" said the captain, rising on his feet and looking
+aghast.
+
+"Let them alone until we get into port, and then hire a lot of priests
+to sprinkle the ship with holy water," said the mate.
+
+"I'll have her swabbed with barrels of holy water!" exclaimed the
+captain.
+
+"Thank God, it is daylight," said the mate.
+
+It was now morning, and the ship sailed on, and was soon abreast of the
+castle of Santa Cruz.
+
+"American ship ahoy!" was shouted through a trumpet from the ramparts.
+
+"Hello!" was the response from the deck.
+
+"How many days did you come from?"
+
+"Baltimore--forty-two."
+
+"All right!" And the vessel glided along, and, passing the Sugar-Loaf,
+soon anchored in the spacious and beautiful harbor of the Brazilian
+metropolis, with the hog at her masthead.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX.
+
+
+"Why does your captain carry that hog at his masthead?"
+
+This question was asked by a midshipman who came alongside in a boat and
+was recognized by Toney and the Professor as a former acquaintance. They
+and Tom Seddon were seated in the boat and about to go ashore.
+
+"Every man has his idiosyncrasies," said the Professor. "Van Tromp
+sailed through the British Channel with a broom at his masthead; and our
+captain never enters a harbor without a hog hanging on his
+foretop-gallant yard."
+
+"Van Tromp's broom was a symbol of victory," said the young officer.
+
+"And our captain's hog is a symbol of good living," said the Professor.
+
+"He wishes to have it known that, while other vessels come into port on
+short rations, he carries an abundance of grub wherever he goes," said
+Toney.
+
+"He must be an eccentric old codger," said the middy.
+
+"He is, indeed," said the Professor.
+
+"Here we are," said the middy. And he sprang on shore, followed by his
+three friends, whose sea-legs were of very little use to them; for they
+staggered about as if they had freely participated in the conviviality
+of the preceding night and still sensibly felt its effects. They managed
+at length to waddle along with the earth apparently rocking and rolling
+under their feet, and finally reached Pharoux's Hotel in Palace Square,
+where comfortable quarters were secured.
+
+On the following morning the Professor, in company with his three
+friends and M. T. Pate, walked forth into the Square. As they passed in
+front of the Palace, the negro sentinel, with a staid demeanor, was
+pacing to and fro, while squads of his sable comrades lounged around,
+like lazy black dogs, basking in the sun.
+
+"Look at that gigantic American standing among the Brazilian soldiers
+who seem like pigmies by comparison," said the midshipman.
+
+"It is Hercules," said the Professor.
+
+"Or Goliath of Gath," said the midshipman. "Do you know him?"
+
+"He came out in our ship," said Toney.
+
+"If your captain carried many such giants on board, I wonder that he had
+a spare porker to hang at his masthead."
+
+"Hercules seems to be on terms of intimacy with those _black guards_ of
+the House of Braganza," said Toney.
+
+"No punning now, if you please; we are on land," said the Professor.
+
+"But on foreign land, where the points of our puns cannot be perceived
+by the natives," said Toney.
+
+"Your apology is perfectly satisfactory," said the Professor.
+
+"Let us see what Hercules is going to do," said Tom Seddon.
+
+They approached, and stood in close proximity to the tail of his coat.
+He had taken a musket from the hands of a grinning Brazilian of African
+descent, and, pointing to the flint lock, with a sagacious shake of his
+noddle, informed him that he was far behind the age; at the same time
+expatiating on the manifest superiority of the percussion principle. To
+the instruction of this able tactician the soldiers, although unable to
+comprehend a word of English, seemed to be listening with profound
+attention, when a loud laugh from Toney and Tom interrupted this
+morning's first lesson.
+
+In the course of their wandering through the town they came to a
+navy-yard, where they saw several vessels in an interesting condition of
+rottenness. While examining these hulks, an astonishing confusion of
+tongues was heard in their rear; and, turning around, they beheld a
+fellow as black as Beelzebub, who wore an officer's uniform and was
+endeavoring to hold a colloquy with M. T. Pate, who listened and replied
+with an amiable condescension; but, as neither understood a word that
+was addressed to him, the utterance of each was an enigma to the other.
+The Professor winked at Toney, and then gravely remarked, "Mr. Pate,
+this negro is doubtless begging for a dump,"--a huge copper coin of the
+value of several cents, which the Brazilians have invented for the
+convenience of commerce.
+
+Pate, who in his own country was of Southern birth and accustomed to
+negroes solely in a menial capacity, drew forth a ponderous dump from
+his pocket, and bestowing it upon the officer of his Imperial Majesty
+with a benevolent smile, went on his way, leaving the object of his
+benefaction astounded by this evidence of his generosity.
+
+As they proceeded up a street they encountered a pair of sturdy Africans
+carrying a sedan-chair attached to a couple of poles. Its sides were
+surrounded with gaudy curtains, for the protection of the timid senorita
+seated within from the bold gaze of the common multitude. Walking behind
+it were Botts, Old Grizzly, and the Long Green Boy, who appeared to have
+attached themselves to the procession as a committee of investigation;
+while, ranging up alongside, like a vigilant cruiser about to overhaul a
+suspicious craft in quest of a contraband cargo, was the adventurous
+Moses in a prodigious state of excitement, staring at the object of his
+amazement with dilated eyes, in blissful ignorance of his dangerous
+proximity to a petticoat. But great was his consternation when informed
+that there was a young lady behind the curtain. He started back with a
+terrified expression; and the Professor afterwards said that had not his
+limbs failed him, and his knees come in collision, like bones in the
+hands of an Ethiopian serenader, they would have been entertained with
+the sight of a desperate fugitive darting up the street with the caudal
+appendage to his coat taking a horizontal projection as he hurried
+along.
+
+Having during the day visited various localities in the city, they
+returned to the hotel, and on the following morning proceeded on an
+expedition to the Imperial gardens. They rode in a huge omnibus drawn by
+four couples of mules, and navigated by four adventurous natives, each
+seated on the back of one of the animals, with prodigious rowels on his
+heels, which seemed to indicate a ruthless determination to gore out the
+vitals of the beast if he showed the least signs of a refractory
+disposition, and dared to dispute the supremacy of the rider. Under the
+shade of cocoa- and coffee-trees they rumbled over the road, and at
+length arrived at the gates of the gardens.
+
+This inclosure, equal in area to a large farm, was cultivated with great
+care and filled with every variety of flowers and fruitage. At
+intervals, among the trees, were fanciful little tenements for the
+accommodation of those whose business it was to plant and to prune.
+
+Tom Seddon became poetic, and declared that they had discovered a
+paradise in which an Adam and Eve were probably then dwelling in
+immortal youth and innocence.
+
+After exploring the gardens for several hours, the Professor seated
+himself in a beautiful arbor, and, while the gorgeous butterflies and
+birds of variegated and magnificent plumage were flitting around him, he
+sang:
+
+
+     The op'ning rose doth brightly glow
+       With pearly dews of even,
+     Like a fragment fall'n from yonder bow,
+       Which hangeth like Hope in the heaven.
+
+     And gayly on a golden wing,
+       At the sweet evening hour,
+     The humming-bird comes like a fairy thing
+       To flit round the beautiful flower.
+
+     Oh, be not like that humming-bird
+       Around the sweet rose roving,
+     That is ling'ring there, while e'er is heard
+       The breezes of summer moving,
+
+     But when the chilly blast has blown
+       And wint'ry storms are brewing,
+     He flieth away to a milder zone,
+       And leaveth it then to its ruin;
+
+     Be like that bird we oft have seen,
+       Whose mellow notes were ringing
+     Among the willows when all was green,
+       And flowers around us were springing.
+
+     And when those boughs are all stript bare,
+       By wint'ry storms o'ertaken,
+     That faithful bird is still ling'ring there,
+       Nor hath ever that spot forsaken.
+
+
+"A song from Mr. Seddon," cried the Professor, as he concluded his own
+melody. Tom sang as follows:
+
+
+     Though many days have vanished
+       Since last I sighed adieu,
+     Yet time has never banished
+       The love I feel for you:
+     Though many leagues now sever,
+     Yet I forget thee never;--
+     True love grows the stronger
+     As it endures the longer.
+
+     Though absence bringeth sorrow
+       Upon the soul like night,
+     Yet on that night a morrow
+       Shall shed its golden light,--
+     And hope's lone star shall burn, love,
+     Brightly till I return, love,
+     And in thy smile discover
+     That night's last gloom is over.
+
+
+"Poor Tom is thinking of Ida," said the Professor, in a whisper to
+Toney, as Tom turned aside and furtively wiped away a tear that stood in
+his eye.
+
+"How can he help thinking of her?" said Toney.
+
+"And Rosabel?" said the Professor.
+
+"Do you suppose," said Toney, "that I ever forget her? I am mirthful,
+for it does not become a true man to be moody and melancholy. But I
+never forget."
+
+"Nor does it become one of the Funny Philosophers to sport with such
+feelings," said the Professor, visibly affected. "I do not forget Dora."
+
+"Do you not?"
+
+"No; though she has long since forgotten me," said the Professor, sadly.
+
+"A song from Mr. Perch," exclaimed a voice in the crowd, and in
+plaintive tones the Long Green Boy gave utterance to the following
+melody:
+
+
+     Oh, give me now the heart that thou once stole away from me
+     When list'ning to thy treacherous vow beneath the greenwood tree;
+     The flowers then bloomed above the ground, fanned by the breath of
+       spring;
+     The humming-bird was sporting round upon a purple wing.
+
+     The gentle May hath passed away, the rose-leaves all are dead;
+     That faithless humming-bird so gay on wanton wing hath fled,
+     Nor cometh there to mourn their fate, but seeks a southern sun;
+     And thou hast left me desolate, thou false and cruel one.
+
+
+"Perch is thinking of the beautiful Imogen and the scene in Colonel
+Hazlewood's garden," said Toney to the Professor. "Neither you nor he
+seem to have a very favorable opinion of the humming-bird."
+
+"The little creature always reminds one of a fickle beauty, and Perch
+and I are forsaken lovers; each having felt the full force of a
+negative. But what is Hercules about to do?"
+
+The giant had seated himself under the shade of a blooming bough, and
+for the first, and probably for the last time, until translated to a
+happier sphere, was endeavoring to give vent to the blissful emotions of
+his soul by attempting the execution of a difficult piece of music; in
+stentorian tones invoking a certain Susannah and imploring her on no
+account to weep for him. As with the voice of a Cyclops, at the close of
+each stanza, he bellowed forth,--
+
+
+     "Oh, Susannah! don't you cry for me!
+     I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"
+
+
+the whole party gathered around him and listened in breathless wonder.
+At length the Professor remarked,--
+
+"What a pity it is that Susannah is not now present!"
+
+"Do you think she would stop her crying?" said Toney.
+
+"I imagine she would," said the Professor. "Unless the young lady's
+perception of the ludicrous is very obtuse, I cannot help thinking that
+the musical invocation of Hercules would have the desired effect."
+
+"Will that big fellow never cease his bellowing?" asked the midshipman.
+
+"Not until he has sung the last verse," said Tom Seddon; "and the song
+is longer than the ninety-seventh selection of Psalms as versified by
+Sternhold and Hopkins."
+
+"He has already finished a multitude of staves," said Toney.
+
+"Enough to make himself a butt," said the Professor.
+
+"That is an atrocious pun," said Toney; "and perpetrated on dry land."
+
+"But on foreign land, and in the Emperor's gardens," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Very true," said Toney; "you escape with impunity; being on Brazilian
+soil."
+
+"Let us be off!" said Tom Seddon; "the sun is getting low."
+
+"And come back for Hercules to-morrow. We will find him concluding the
+last stanza," said Toney.
+
+"Will he sing all night?" asked the midshipman.
+
+"Hercules has great powers of endurance," said the Professor.
+
+"Come!" said Tom Seddon. And the party started for the omnibus; when
+Hercules arose and followed, still singing his interminable melody.
+
+The sun had disappeared behind the horizon and the full moon had arisen
+in all her magnificence long before they reached the suburbs of the
+city. As they rode along listening to the chimes of the church bells,
+which in Catholic countries are sounding every evening, the voice of
+Hercules was heard, at intervals, bellowing forth,--
+
+
+     "The bulgine burst, the horse run off; I thought I'd surely die!
+     I shut my eyes to hold my breath; Susannah, don't you cry!
+     Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me!
+     I'm going to California with my wash-bowl on my knee!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL.
+
+
+Upon returning to the city, M. T. Pate met with a misfortune, which gave
+him sad affliction when he afterwards came to reflect upon his folly. He
+had throughout the whole course of his life been a very temperate man,
+and on Sundays was exceedingly pious. But he and Hercules were now
+seduced by a party of dissolute fellows, who kept them in a state of
+inebriation for several days. In fact, Hercules got profoundly
+intoxicated, and continued in that condition until he was carried on
+board the ship when she was about to sail; while Pate became boisterous
+and broke a number of goblets and decanters, and even challenged the
+proprietor of the hotel to a pugilistic combat. The latter earnestly
+implored the interposition of Toney Belton, who, upon going to Pate's
+room, found him standing in the midst of a number of boon-companions,
+with a bottle in his grasp, making as much noise as was possible by
+bellowing forth the following bacchanalian melody:
+
+
+     The ruby wine sparkles so bright in the bowl,
+       To pleasure it seems to invite;
+     And, by heavens, I vow he's a pitiful soul
+       Who scorneth our revels to night.
+
+     Let sages discourse on the follies of man,
+       And learnedly talk of his woes;
+     But boys, we'll be happy whilever we can,--
+       So toss off the goblet!--here goes!
+
+     Oh, why should we mourn o'er the sorrows of earth,
+       And turn from its pleasures away?
+     He's wiser by far who turns sorrow to mirth,
+       And tastes of life's joys while he may.
+
+     When all that the sages have taught is summed up,
+       Can it lessen one moment our woes?
+     Oh, no! but they linger not over the cup,--
+       So toss off the goblet!--here goes!
+
+
+When this song was concluded, Toney began to express his astonishment at
+Pate's conduct, but his voice was soon drowned by several fellows loudly
+singing,--
+
+
+     Silvery dews are falling lightly,
+     Golden stars are twinkling brightly,
+     Now's the hour when Pleasure greets us,
+     Round the festive board she meets us,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"But, Mr. Pate, you will be sorry for this when----"
+
+
+     Farewell now to care and sorrow!
+     They our moments ne'er shall borrow;--
+     We, the joyous sons of folly,
+     Leave to sages melancholy,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Yes, this is fine fun," said Toney; "but after awhile you will have
+trouble, and----"
+
+
+     If the ills of life surround us,
+     If misfortune's arrows wound us,
+     Still a balm we may discover
+     In the bumper running over,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"By heavens, you ought to have a strait-jacket!" said Toney. "Ain't you
+a pretty picture?--standing there with your coat off and your breeches
+rent in the rear! I wish some of the ladies whom you used to be making
+love to could now see----"
+
+
+     Cupid is a treacherous urchin,
+     With his darts each bosom searching;
+     If we've false and cruel found him,
+     On the bumper's brim we'll drown him,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Pate, you'll be singing another song to-morrow, when----"
+
+
+     Fortune, whom we've trusted blindly,
+     She may deal with us unkindly;
+     At her freaks we're lightly laughing,
+     As the bright wine we are quaffing,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"You are as crazy as a bedlamite!" exclaimed Toney, "When you come to
+your senses, you will consider this the greatest misfortune that----"
+
+
+     Glorious rainbows, shine forever
+     O'er misfortune's clouds, and never
+     Fade away from a good fellow
+     In his glasses growing mellow,
+     When we mingle heart and soul
+     O'er the flowing, foaming bowl.
+
+
+"Well, go ahead!" said Toney, turning on his heels. "Go ahead, if you
+think there is no hereafter----"
+
+
+     Give the night to song and laughter,--
+     Care may come, perchance, hereafter;
+     We will linger till the morning
+     Smileth with a rosy warning,
+     When we'll mingle heart and soul
+     O'er a flowing, parting bowl.
+
+
+Pate continued to conduct himself in this outrageous manner,
+notwithstanding the repeated and earnest remonstrances of his friends,
+until the morning on which the vessel was to sail, when the Professor
+found him, with a rueful countenance, sitting on the stool of
+repentance. They proceeded to the office of the hotel to settle their
+bills.
+
+In Brazil they have an imaginary coin, corresponding to the mill of our
+decimal currency, in which, when making out a bill, they compute the
+amount, putting before the sum charged the identical mark which is
+prefixed to the Federal dollar, so that a stranger, whose debit is ten
+dollars, sees on the bill $10.000. The Professor was aware of this mode
+of computation, but M. T. Pate was not. The latter was therefore utterly
+astounded when his bill was handed to him, and he saw charged on it
+$55.000. Pate turned deadly pale when he perceived the heavy sum he was
+expected to pay; and Toney and the Professor took him aside and told him
+that, while so dreadfully intoxicated, he had broken and destroyed much
+valuable property in the hotel, and that the damage was charged in the
+bill. Pate was now shocked at the consequences of his indiscretion, and
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Oh, that a man should be such a fool!"
+
+"As to put an enemy in his mouth to steal away his brains," said the
+Professor.
+
+"What am I to do?" cried Pate.
+
+"Pay the bill," said Toney.
+
+"I cannot. It is impossible for me to pay so large a sum of money," said
+Pate.
+
+"I am sorry for that," said the Professor. "In Brazil there is
+imprisonment for debt."
+
+"What?" exclaimed Pate, in extreme terror.
+
+"There is imprisonment for debt in this country," said the Professor;
+"and if you do not pay the bill, the proprietor of the hotel will have
+you put in the calaboose."
+
+"Where you may have to remain during your whole life," said Toney.
+
+"Oh! oh!" cried Pate, looking as pale as a ghost. "What--what shall I
+do?"
+
+"Get the money and pay the bill," said Toney.
+
+"I cannot--I cannot!" said Pate, perspiring from every pore.
+
+"This is a great calamity," said the Professor. "Only to think of a man
+having to spend, perhaps, forty years of his life in prison!"
+
+"To end his days in a dungeon!" said Toney, sadly.
+
+"Gentlemen--gentlemen! what--what shall I do?" exclaimed Pate, groaning
+piteously.
+
+"Toney," said the Professor, "an expedient suggests itself to my mind,
+but I am doubtful of its propriety."
+
+"What is it?" asked Toney.
+
+"Do you think that it would be morally wrong for Mr. Pate to take French
+leave?"
+
+"I do not," said Toney. "He cannot pay the bill, and unless he escapes
+as speedily as possible he may have to die in prison. A man may do
+anything to preserve his liberty. Besides, when Mr. Pate returns from
+California with his gold, he can stop at Rio and pay the bill."
+
+"I will! I will!" exclaimed Pate. "I will pay every dollar of it!"
+
+"Come here, Mr. Pate," said the Professor. And he and Toney conducted
+him to the street and pointed towards the harbor.
+
+"Run!" said the Professor.
+
+"Run!--run!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Run, Pate!--run!" cried Tom Seddon, who had followed them out.
+
+The delinquent debtor looked around to see if his ruthless creditor was
+watching him, and then darted down the street and ran at full speed
+until he reached the water's edge, when he leaped into a boat, and told
+the men to row as fast as they could for the ship. In the mean while
+Toney and the Professor returned to the office of the hotel and quietly
+settled the bill with the contents of Pate's purse, which they had taken
+from his pocket while he was intoxicated, and still retained in their
+possession for safe keeping.
+
+When M. T. Pate came near the ship, he beheld the extraordinary
+spectacle of a human body rising from the surface of the water and
+hanging high in the air, with its arms and legs desperately striking
+out, as if seeking to test, by a practical experiment, the possibility
+of swimming in that uncertain element. After dangling over the deck for
+a short space of time, it disappeared behind the bulwarks.
+
+Pate witnessed the awful spectacle with a feeling of intense horror.
+
+"Great heavens!" he exclaimed, "has the captain taken upon himself the
+responsibility of ordering an execution? What a daring exercise of
+arbitrary power! It is dangerous to go on board! The brutal tyrant might
+hang any of his passengers!"
+
+He was about to order the men to row back to the shore when he
+recollected the danger which there awaited him. He was between Scylla
+and Charybdis. In the mean while the Brazilian boatmen, who, with their
+backs towards the ship and their ignorance of the English language,
+neither witnessed the startling phenomenon nor understood the meaning of
+Pate's exclamation, vigorously plied their oars, and soon brought the
+boat to the vessel's side. Pale with terror and trembling in every
+joint, Pate looked up and beheld a number of passengers on deck laughing
+immoderately. Their mirth convinced him that no tragedy had been
+enacted, and he went on board where he learned that Hercules had been
+captured on shore and brought alongside lying in the boat in a helpless
+condition superinduced by inebriation. A perplexing consultation among
+his captors was cut short by Old Nick, who, having made ready a rope,
+leaped into the boat, and putting a stout band around the body of the
+giant, hooked on,--and up he went, with his imperfectly articulated
+maledictions mingling with the hearty "Heave ho!" of Peter and Paul, who
+were hoisting him on deck.
+
+Thus was Hercules held up as an example to all evildoers; and when the
+Professor reached the ship, and was informed of the circumstance, he
+gravely remarked that men who were so imprudent as to indulge in the
+excessive use of strong drinks would sometimes become wonderfully
+elevated.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI.
+
+
+The mortification of M. T. Pate at having been compelled to leave the
+Brazilian Empire as an absconding debtor was intense, and he was now
+teased and tormented by his comrades in the most unmerciful manner.
+
+They told him that as soon as his ruthless creditor discovered his
+flight he would apply to the Emperor for redress, who would dispatch a
+swift-sailing man-of-war to capture him; and that he would be carried
+back and imprisoned in the calaboose until he had paid the last dump of
+the debt. Whenever a sail hove in sight, some one would cry out, "There
+comes the Brazilian vessel in pursuit of Pate;" when all would advise
+him to secrete himself in the hold of the ship, and said that they would
+inform the captain of the man-of-war that he had unfortunately fallen
+overboard when off Cape Frio.
+
+He was so worried by these pitiless jokes that he became misanthropic,
+and finally refused to associate with any of the passengers. He would
+leave the cabin, where at night there were usually much fun and
+merriment, and where he was sure to be the butt of some cruel jest, and,
+going upon deck, would seat himself upon a stool and brood in solitude
+over his misery, until he was in a sound sleep.
+
+One night there was a dead calm upon the waters, and not a sound was
+heard except the flapping of a sail as the ship rolled over a wave, or
+the monotonous notes which proceeded from the perforations in the nasal
+protuberance of the melancholy Pate, who had fallen asleep as he sat on
+his stool. But suddenly there is an unnatural noise, and a frightful
+fluttering overhead, and down it comes--a ghostlike creature!--long,
+lean, and spectral!--with two gigantic wings beating wildly about! With
+a chorus of strange cries it tumbles upon deck, upsetting the unlucky
+Pate, who with a loud yell of terror, rolls over and over into the
+scupper; while Peter and Paul, headed by Old Nick, rush thither and
+mingle with a crowd of passengers who come from the cabin. And there
+they behold poor Pate lying on his back in the scupper, and yelling
+"murder," with the strength of his lungs; while over him stands Moses,
+glorying in his achievement. He had espied a booby-bird roosting upon
+the mainyard, and with a catlike step crept up and effected its capture.
+And thus the sudden and unexpected descent of the two boobies upon the
+deck was the cause of all this commotion. The position of Pate, as he
+lay on his back in the scupper, bawling "murder!" with the booby beating
+him with its wing, was exceedingly ludicrous. He was now teased until he
+was driven to the border of desperation. Tom Seddon had, with
+thoughtless levity, revealed the existence of the Mystic Brotherhood,
+and made known the fact that M. T. Pate was the Noble Grand Gander of
+the order. After this revelation there was no more peace for poor Pate
+on board the ship. At the table some one would call out in a loud voice
+and inquire if the Noble Grand Gander would be helped to a piece of the
+duff, when there would be a general roar of laughter. In the morning,
+when he came from his bunk, many would inquire, with mock respect, after
+the health of the Noble Grand Gander. And now, in the unfortunate affair
+with the booby, the passengers generally expressed their profound regret
+that the great American Gander had been overthrown by a Brazilian booby.
+
+In the mean while the ship sailed on; the weather gradually grew colder,
+and the three curious spots in the heavens, called the Clouds of
+Magellan, were visible at night, and indicated an approximation to the
+coast of Patagonia.
+
+The Professor had a sympathy for Pate, and would sometimes endeavor to
+alleviate his sufferings by cheerful conversation. They were one day
+standing on deck conversing about the Clouds of Magellan, and the
+Professor was suggesting the propriety of sending up an artist in a
+balloon to paint them red, white, and blue, so that the American colors
+might hang over these regions in anticipation of their annexation to the
+great republic, when they heard the voice of Moses exclaiming,--
+
+"Look yonder!"
+
+"What is it?" said Pate, pointing to an enormous creature sailing
+through the air and coming towards the ship.
+
+"It is one of the Clouds of Magellan riding on the back of Old Boreas,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"No," cried Tom Seddon, "it is the gigantic ghost of the poor booby
+coming to haunt Moses for the deep damnation of his taking off."
+
+The optical orbs of Moses expanded wider and wider, as the form of the
+winged monster loomed larger and larger, until, with a flap of its
+tremendous pinions, it came alongside, and, after several times sweeping
+around the ship, finally settled down on the water in the wake.
+
+The Professor having ascertained that this object, on which Moses was
+gazing with wonder and awe, was an albatross, attached a piece of pork
+to a line and threw it overboard, with an invitation to the stranger to
+lay hold, so that he might hoist him on board. The gigantic bird eagerly
+accepted the invitation, and snatching the delicious morsel in his beak,
+held on with a pertinacity which indicated his appreciation of the
+prize. And now he was seen to stretch out his neck with an extraordinary
+projection, and his huge body following it at a run, beating the water
+with two enormous wings, over the poop he came, with a tremendous
+fluttering, and down on the deck, where he stood like a prodigious
+goose, wholly unable to define his position.
+
+The creature walked the deck with a curious stare, until coming in
+proximity to M. T. Pate, it stopped and gazed in his face, when some
+wicked wag cried out,--
+
+"Put a saddle and bridle on him, Mr. Pate."
+
+"By all means," cried another passenger; "and if the Brazilian
+man-of-war should overhaul the vessel, you can ride away on the back of
+your winged courser and easily effect your escape."
+
+These suggestions so irritated Pate that he suddenly seized a handspike
+and dealt the albatross a blow, the lethal effects of which laid it a
+lifeless corpse at his feet. There was a loud hurrah for the Noble Grand
+Gander, and Pate, boiling with indignation, walked forward and leaned
+against the forecastle.
+
+He was now sternly denounced by Old Nick, who told him, in emphatic
+terms, that he would never have any more good luck as long as he lived;
+and Peter and Paul coincided with him in the prediction. Not many
+moments elapsed before these vaticinations of ill fortune began to be
+verified. Neptune, with indignation, had beheld the murderous deed, and
+prepared a fitting punishment. He sent a huge wave, which broke over the
+bow with a crash. The sailors saw it coming and sprang into the rigging;
+while the assassin of the albatross was knocked off his feet and went
+wallowing into the scupper. Amidst loud and boisterous laughter, M. T.
+Pate hurried into the cabin with a stream of salt-water flowing from the
+tail of his coat; while a number of voices commenced singing,--
+
+
+     "A life on the ocean wave,
+     A home on the rolling deep," etc.
+
+
+A few days subsequent to these events, they came in sight of Tierra del
+Fuego; and as the ship ran down within a league of the shore, there was
+a suggestion that the officers had determined to leave the slayer of the
+albatross on this desolate coast; being afraid to venture round the Horn
+with such a Jonah on board. The Professor told Pate to pay no attention
+to these remarks, as the captain had a cousin who had emigrated to this
+part of the world and opened a hotel, and he was going to take the
+passengers on shore and give a "general treat." But the ship stood away
+to the south, and, followed by clouds of Cape pigeons and albatrosses,
+went rolling around the Horn, and after a rough controversy with old
+ocean, which lasted for several weeks, eventually came in sight of the
+Island of Juan Fernandez.
+
+Several of the passengers expressed an opinion that the captain would
+now put Pate on shore, and said that he would have to live here in
+solitude and clad in goats' skins like Alexander Selkirk. But the vessel
+sailed on, and the peaks of the famous island were soon hid behind the
+horizon; and this was their last sight of _terra firma_ until they
+beheld the tops of the Andes, and soon afterwards entered the harbor of
+Callao.
+
+"There was a scene of revelry by night" in the cabin, like that which
+had preceded their landing on Brazilian soil. The Professor, with Toney
+and Tom, remained on deck until the sounds of conviviality had ceased,
+and then proceeded to "turn in."
+
+"What is this?" said Tom Seddon, coming in contact with a huge head
+hanging over the side of a hammock.
+
+"It is a remarkable case of suspended animation," said the Professor.
+
+"Hercules has again become wonderfully elevated," said Toney.
+
+"And has turned Wiggins out of his hammock," said Tom.
+
+"Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate seem to prefer the floor," said Toney,
+pointing to the two individuals named, who were lying supinely on their
+backs by the side of a sea-chest under the hammock.
+
+"Hercules seems to be hovering over them like a benignant spirit with
+the most benevolent intentions," said the Professor; and he and his two
+friends passed on, and, stowing themselves away in their bunks, were
+awaiting the approach of "tired nature's sweet restorer," when a hideous
+howl, like the outcry of a wounded dragon, rang through the cabin. A
+score of startled passengers leaped hurriedly up, and rushing forward
+beheld the catastrophe. Hercules had pitched headforemost from his
+hammock, and precipitating himself first on the sea-chest, had rolled
+over, and covered with his huge body the prostrated forms of Old Grizzly
+and M. T. Pate.
+
+Unable to account for his sudden descent, and wholly confounded by his
+fall, he was giving utterance to his emotions in a succession of
+diabolical howls.
+
+Old Grizzly slowly arose, and assuming a sitting posture, growled out
+his decided disapprobation of such proceedings, while M. T. Pate was
+writhing and wriggling under his heavy burden, and uttering piteous
+groans.
+
+"Pate is like old John Bunyan's poor pilgrim," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Groaning under his load of sin," said Toney.
+
+"Let us shrive him," said the Professor. And he and Toney seized Pate
+by the legs, and, pulling vigorously, succeeded in relieving him from
+the immense load of iniquity which rested upon him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+
+
+After spending a day in Callao, and visiting the site of the ancient
+town, which had been destroyed by an earthquake, the band of
+gold-hunters proceeded to the city of Lima. This splendid capital
+presents many objects of interest to the stranger. The Professor and his
+companions were astonished at the number and magnificence of the
+churches; and as he was going through a gallery in one of these sacred
+edifices, Wiggins discovered three holy men playing at monte, and was
+only prevented from taking a hand by his ignorance of the Castilian
+language. Moses was shocked at seeing the countrywomen riding astraddle
+on donkeys when they entered the town on their way to the market; and he
+was inexpressibly alarmed when a young female stopped him on the street,
+and, producing a cigar, politely asked him for a light. So great was his
+agitation that, instead of complying with her request, he dropped his
+own cigar in the gutter and hastily retreated behind Botts, whose ugly
+visage frightened the woman away. Hercules, having constituted himself
+an inspector of the pale brandies of the country, on a certain night
+went up on the flat roof of the hotel and fell through a glass door
+among some Spaniards engaged in a quiet game below; and the Dons,
+supposing, from his novel mode of entrance, that he came with
+burglarious intent, fled from the apartment, leaving him lying in the
+middle of the floor, and uttering the most terrific yells.
+
+Toney and the Professor rushed into the room, and with some difficulty
+lifting the giant on his feet, discovered that he had sustained no
+injury from his sudden descent. As Hercules staggered out of the room,
+the Professor pointed towards him, and gravely remarked,--
+
+"I am now convinced of the utter falsity of what has been so long
+received as an axiom in natural philosophy."
+
+"What is that?" asked Toney.
+
+"That confined fluids press equally in all directions," said the
+Professor.
+
+"That only holds good in hydrostatics," said Toney.
+
+"Where water is concerned, the principle may be correct," said the
+Professor, "but it is not applicable to the juice of the grape. But
+where is Tom Seddon? I haven't seen him during the whole day."
+
+"He and M. T. Pate have just returned from a visit to the tomb of
+Pizarro," said Toney; "and Pate has been much shocked at a discovery
+which he there made."
+
+"What is that?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Most of the bones of that celebrated conqueror have been stolen," said
+Toney.
+
+"By whom?" asked the Professor.
+
+"By visitors to the tomb," said Toney.
+
+"_Sic transit gloria mundi!_" said the Professor. "Pizarro stole the
+Inca's possessions, and now his own bones have been carried off by
+pilfering hands, and, perhaps, manufactured into knife-handles. I hope I
+never may be a great man; a General, or a President, or anything of that
+sort."
+
+"Why not?"
+
+"The very idea is horrible!"
+
+"How so?"
+
+"To see one's name in large letters over the picture of a horse on a
+hand-bill posted against the door of a blacksmith's shop; or to have a
+mangy hound for your namesake!"
+
+"Here comes Tom," said Toney, as Seddon entered the apartment and
+commenced telling them about the bull-fight which was to take place on
+the next day, which would be Sunday.
+
+"We will all go," said the Professor; "but I am hungry. Let us go into
+the eating-room and order three plates of lizards."
+
+"I would prefer a beefsteak smothered in onions," said Seddon.
+
+"_De gustibus non disputandum est_," said the Professor as he entered
+the eating-room, and, seating himself at a table, ordered his lizards.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+
+
+On the bright Sabbath morning Toney Belton and his companions were
+following an immense crowd of people along the banks of the Rimac, in
+the direction of the bull-fight, when they were compelled to halt and
+listen to a polemical controversy between the Professor and M. T. Pate.
+The latter had followed along quietly, and without observation, until
+accidentally discovering their destination, he stood still and refused
+to proceed. In vain did the Professor try argument and blandishment to
+remove his scruples of conscience. On the first day of the week Pate was
+immovably pious.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Pate!" said the Professor, in a coaxing tone.
+
+"This is the Sabbath," said Pate, "and a day of rest."
+
+"But," said the Professor, "in this country the churches are always
+open, and the people are praying every day in the week, and the only way
+for them to rest is to stop praying on Sunday and do something else.
+When you are in Rome do as Rome does."
+
+"Everybody is going to the bull-fight," said Toney.
+
+"Yonder is a carriage-load of bishops," said the Professor.
+
+"And look at those two shovel-hats jogging along on their mules," said
+Tom Seddon.
+
+"This is Sunday," said Pate, solemnly shaking his head.
+
+"I have been informed by the oldest inhabitant that Sunday has never yet
+got around Cape Horn," said the Professor.
+
+But Pate was deaf to their sophistical arguments, and, shaking his head
+with a melancholy look, turned on his heels and took his departure.
+
+The Professor and his companions were soon seated in the amphitheater,
+which formed an immense circle, with seats rising in tiers, one above
+the other. A strong barricade of stout timbers protected the twenty
+thousand men, women, and children who, with the Priests, the President,
+and the Congress of the country were here assembled, and waited with
+impatience until a gate was opened and several of the combatants
+appeared, some on horseback armed with long lances, and others on foot.
+
+"Great thunder! what are those?" exclaimed Tom Seddon, pointing to four
+uncouth shapes stalking into the arena wearing ugly masks with enormous
+beaks, and having dusky wings ingeniously fitted to their sides.
+
+"They look like very large turkey-buzzards," said Toney.
+
+"Half men and half birds," said Moses.
+
+"They are Peruvian fairies," said the Professor, turning round and
+imparting this information to Moses.
+
+"Fairies!" exclaimed Moses, his eyes opening in astonishment.
+
+"A gigantic species of fairy peculiar to this country," said the
+Professor.
+
+"What are they going to do?" asked Moses.
+
+"They are exceedingly fond of bull-beef," said the Professor. "They will
+wait until the animal is slain, and then dine on the carcass."
+
+"After which," said Toney, "they will spread their wings and fly away to
+Fairy-land, supposed to be located somewhere among the peaks of the
+Andes."
+
+"And which was never visited by mortal man," said the Professor.
+
+Moses now gazed at the fairies with wonder and awe; while Tom Seddon
+exclaimed, "Look at that handsome woman standing in the center of the
+arena!"
+
+"She is splendidly dressed," said Toney.
+
+"Who is she?" asked Moses.
+
+"The President's wife," suggested Toney.
+
+"Is she going to fight the bull?" asked Moses.
+
+"That may be her intention," said Toney.
+
+"She has no weapon," said Wiggins.
+
+"She will take the bull by the horns," said Toney.
+
+"She is in great danger," said Moses.
+
+"It is the Blessed Virgin,--you may behold a miracle," said the
+Professor.
+
+"Is she alive?" asked Moses.
+
+"She does not move," said Wiggins.
+
+"She stands stoutly on her feet," said Toney.
+
+"Look yonder!" exclaimed Tom Seddon, as a gate flew open, and in came,
+with a bound and a bellow, a huge black bull, with his eyes fiercely
+glaring, as if he were smarting under some recent insult and expected
+other indignities to be offered. But beholding the image, he moved
+towards it, bowing his head and scraping his foot.
+
+"He seems disposed to be very polite in the presence of a lady," said
+Toney.
+
+"He is making a very profound obeisance," said Tom.
+
+"Only in mockery," said the Professor as the bull rushed forward, and,
+thrusting his horns through the robes of the Holy Mary, lifted her from
+the earth. But hardly had he touched her sacred person when a succession
+of loud reports ensued, such as are heard when idle urchins have
+fastened their fire-works behind the flanks of some venerable parent of
+puppies.
+
+"A miracle!" exclaimed the Professor.
+
+"A miracle!" cried Toney.
+
+"A miracle!" shouted Tom.
+
+The eyes of Moses widely dilated, and he gazed in intense wonder. Off
+went the bull with the image hanging on his horns, roaring and running
+around; while ever and anon the Blessed Virgin would emit an explosion
+which added an increase to his speed. Finally she fell to the ground,
+and was sacrilegiously trampled under hoof, and lay with her gaudy robes
+scorched, and smoking, and torn to tatters.
+
+"What a shocking sight!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"Will nobody go to her rescue?" said Toney.
+
+"Yonder comes her avenger!" said the Professor, as a man on foot
+advanced, with one hand brandishing a dart having a small streamer
+attached to it, and shaking a red flag with the other. The bull,
+indignant at the insult, came at him with a bound, when, nimbly leaping
+aside, he planted his missile in the flank of his foe, and the
+infuriated animal charged on another assailant with similar results.
+
+Soon his sides were covered with little javelins, each having a gaudy
+pennon on its end waving in the wind. He fought with pluck and
+determination, but evidently at a disadvantage; for his antagonists,
+when hard pressed, would retreat behind a circular palisade of posts,
+whither he could not follow them. Making a charge on one of the
+buzzards, however, he tore off a wing before the clumsy bird could get
+out of the way. The disgusting fowl uttered a loud squall, such as was
+never heard from one of its species before.
+
+"The poor fairy has lost one of his pinions," said Tom.
+
+"He will not be able to soar away to his home in the Andes after he has
+dined," said Toney.
+
+"The cavalry are about to take part in the engagement," said the
+Professor, as the horsemen galloped around and added to the torments of
+the animal by pricking him with their lances.
+
+"He fights _manfully_," said Tom.
+
+"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "be so good as to keep your Irish
+bulls in the background. You should not venture to introduce them among
+Spanish cattle."
+
+"He exhibits great courage against overwhelming odds," said Toney.
+
+"But, as has been asked on numerous occasions, what can a single hero do
+against a host?" said the Professor.
+
+"What is that big man going to do with his long knife?" asked Moses, as
+a stalwart fellow, armed with a short, straight sword, advanced on foot
+and fixed his gaze on his victim. With eyes wildly rolling, and red
+torrents of blood streaming from his wounds, the bull moved towards this
+new antagonist, with his head to the ground, hoping to toss him on his
+horns. But the wily matadore, with a dexterous thrust, pierced the spine
+of the neck, and the agonies of the animal were over. Hardly had he
+fallen when the four buzzards rushed forward and commenced pecking at
+the carcass.
+
+"The fairies are hungry," said the Professor, turning round and speaking
+to Moses.
+
+"The one-winged gentleman seems determined to have his share of the
+feast," said Toney.
+
+"Look! look!" cried Tom Seddon, as up went a rocket and in came six
+white horses splendidly harnessed, by whose united strength the
+mutilated body of the bull was dragged out at a gallop, to make room for
+another victim.
+
+"Look at yonder fellow riding his horse around the arena, with his side
+gored open and torrents of blood gushing from the ghastly wound!" said
+Toney.
+
+"This is pretty sport, but I think that I will put an end to it," said
+the Professor to Toney, in a low and confidential tone.
+
+"That is impossible," said Toney.
+
+"The celebrated Arago says that he who, outside of pure mathematics,
+uses the word impossible, lacks prudence," said the Professor.
+
+"Here he comes!" cried Tom Seddon, as a bull of prodigious size and
+savage ferocity bounded into the arena, and after moving around and
+wildly glaring at the assembled multitude, finally halted within a few
+paces of the seats occupied by Toney and the Professor. The enraged
+animal was pawing the earth with his foot, when one of the combatants
+advanced towards him, brandishing a dart. The bull elevated his head and
+surveyed him with an indignant look. The man poised his missile and was
+about to hurl it when, in the Castilian language, from the mouth of the
+angry animal come forth the words,--
+
+"Hold, villain! hold!"
+
+The man dropped his dart and instantly fled. On the seats in proximity
+to the Professor there were great commotion and alarm, while from those
+afar off there were loud cries of derision at the cowardice exhibited by
+the combatant who had fled. Several men now advanced on foot, and the
+horsemen followed, with the four buzzards in the rear, flapping their
+wings. They surrounded the bull, and each footman brandished his dart,
+while the horsemen poised their lances. The animal regarded them with a
+ferocious aspect, and, as they were about to attack him with their
+weapons, a hoarse voice was heard issuing from his throat, and
+exclaiming,--
+
+"Stand back! ye bloody villains, forbear!"
+
+The men recoiled in horror, and, dropping their weapons, fled with
+precipitation, exclaiming, "El diablo! el diablo!"
+
+The buzzards hurried over the barricades followed by the footmen, who
+threw themselves among the spectators, crying out, "El diablo! el
+diablo!--it is the devil! it is the devil!" The horsemen galloped
+frantically around, and finally fled through a gate, which was instantly
+closed and barred. "El diablo! el diablo!" was shouted by hundreds of
+voices.
+
+"It is Satan! it is Satan!" exclaimed several priests, who sat near the
+Professor, as the bull, after running around, stood still and glared at
+them with fiery eyes.
+
+"I am Beelzebub!" roared the bull.
+
+With loud cries of "Satan!" "Beelzebub!" "the devil!" the priests and
+the people leaped from their seats, and, tumbling over each other,
+rolled out of the amphitheater into the open air. Along the banks of the
+Rimac, men, women, and children were flying in terror, with loud cries
+of "El diablo! el diablo!"
+
+"Where is Moses?" asked the Professor, as with Toney and Tom he sat in
+the deserted amphitheater.
+
+"He and Wiggins have gone with the crowd," said Toney.
+
+"The bull will have to perform before empty benches," said the
+Professor.
+
+"That animal has created more commotion than any of the Pope's bulls in
+the Dark Ages," said Toney.
+
+"He is equal to Apis, the sacred bull of the Egyptians," said the
+Professor, as they arose from their seats and left the amphitheater.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+
+
+At the hotel in Lima the Professor and his friends found the supercargo
+of the ship who had come to hunt up the passengers. The captain had been
+in trouble; the crew having mutinied and refused to work because they
+were not allowed the privilege of a cruise on shore. The controversy
+between the quarter-deck and the forecastle was finally adjusted, and
+the crew agreed to go to work on condition of afterwards having one day
+of liberty. The supercargo said that they were now on shore in Callao,
+and that the vessel would sail on the following morning.
+
+Upon receiving this information, the passengers made preparations to
+proceed on foot to Callao; it being impossible to obtain any vehicle on
+that day, as everything which had wheels or hoofs had gone to the
+bull-fight and had been left behind in the general stampede which
+ensued. The Professor inquired for M. T. Pate, but he was not in the
+hotel, and from information received, it was supposed that he had
+already left the city and proceeded to the port.
+
+Lima, unlike most American cities, is encompassed by a wall. Just beyond
+the gate, which opens on the six miles of level road leading to Callao,
+are a number of mounds heaped up by the ancient inhabitants of the
+country for the purpose of hiding the remains of mortality. But as these
+poor pagans were unwilling to leave the world as unadorned as they had
+entered it, numerous excavations had been made by their Christian
+successors, who had stripped them of their heathenish ornaments, and
+carried them off, to be converted into the images of saints.
+
+The Professor and his companions turned aside from the road and
+proceeded to an inspection of the place.
+
+Hercules had already thrust his long neck into one of the excavations,
+when, with a loud exclamation, he drew suddenly back as if he had
+certainly seen a sight. The Long Green Boy now peeped into the
+aperture, and, starting back, looked as if he were about to exclaim,
+"Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!" But lo! it starts up--it
+moves towards them--long, lean, and spectral!--in robes as white as the
+driven snow, like the shivering shade of an ancient Inca come hither to
+mourn over the extinction of his race.
+
+Hercules assumes the posture of a racer ready to make a desperate
+spring, and only waiting for the word "Go!" The Professor throws himself
+in the attitude of Hamlet in his interesting interview with the ghost.
+Botts clutches the hilt of his bowie-knife and stands prepared to battle
+with whatever may come forth. But hold! rash man, forbear! No horrible
+apparition of an unbaptized infidel is this, but a pious Christian and a
+poor countryman in distress. It is the unfortunate M. T. Pate stalking
+forth with no covering except a single shirt.
+
+Finding no congenial society in the city, he had wandered hither to
+meditate among the tombs. His reveries were rudely interrupted by
+certain grim-looking fellows carrying carbines, one of which was
+presented to his breast with an observation which, for want of an
+interpreter, he was unable to comprehend. Poor Pate was too much awed to
+animadvert upon the sinfulness of such proceedings on Sunday; and these
+bold Sabbath-breakers, having rifled his pockets, stripped him of all
+that he had, and left him in the condition in which he was found.
+
+Having heard his dolorous story, the Professor exclaimed,--
+
+"But, Mr. Pate, what is to be done? You cannot travel along the public
+highway in that condition of nudity."
+
+"If he does," said Toney, "the people will suppose that he is a model
+artist."
+
+"The weather is hot," said Tom Seddon. "And he will not feel
+uncomfortable with nothing on but his shirt."
+
+"If Pate goes into Callao, in a nude condition, he will frighten the
+women into fits," said Toney.
+
+"And he will be arrested and put in the calaboose," said the Professor.
+
+"What is to be done?" asked Toney. "Our trunks are in Callao, and there
+is no spare clothing among us."
+
+"Mr. Pate can have my drawers," said Wiggins. And he pulled them off and
+handed them to his unfortunate friend.
+
+"And I will let him have my coat," said Hercules, pulling it off.
+
+"That coat is like charity," said the Professor.
+
+"How so?" asked Toney.
+
+"It covers a multitude of faults," said the Professor, pointing to the
+giant's linen coat, which completely enveloped the person of Pate and
+hung down to his heels.
+
+"What will Mr. Pate do for a pair of boots?" said Moses.
+
+"Never mind," said Tom Seddon, "the road is sandy and will not hurt his
+bare feet."
+
+"And when he comes to stony places I will carry him on my back," said
+Hercules.
+
+"Come along, Mr. Pate," said Toney.
+
+"And when you return from California with your gold you should by all
+means carefully avoid these localities," said the Professor.
+
+Poor Pate uttered not a word in response to these advisory remarks, but
+all were convinced by the quivering of his lip and other outward signs
+that he was inwardly vowing that he would do so.
+
+They now hurried on; Toney, Tom, and the Professor leading the advance,
+and when about half-way between Lima and Callao, they espied a curious
+kind of cavalry coming up the road. It was the ship's company ashore on
+liberty and making the most of that inestimable blessing. Each jolly tar
+was mounted on a little donkey, and at the head of the cavalcade rode
+Old Nick, having a leadline in his hand; and this steady and experienced
+seaman, apprehensive of shoals or hidden rocks, kept constantly heaving
+the lead and calling out the number of fathoms each time that it fell.
+Once he was heard to cry out "No bottom!" and down went his donkey in a
+hole; but the dauntless navigator assured his shipmates that, though the
+little craft had her lee-rail under, she would soon right up without
+losing a stick of her timber; and the result was just as he had said.
+
+"Where is Pate?" asked the Professor.
+
+"Yonder he is," said Toney, pointing to Pate, about a quarter of a mile
+behind, mounted on the back of Hercules, with Wiggins walking on one
+side and Perch on the other; Botts and Moses bringing up the rear.
+
+"Hercules is carrying him over the stony road," said Tom.
+
+"The giant has a big body and a big heart," said the Professor; "but he
+shall not be treated like a beast of burden. Pate shall ride Old Nick's
+donkey."
+
+"Old Nick will not give up his donkey," said Toney.
+
+"We will see," said the Professor. And he advanced near the spot where
+the huge sailor sat on the little animal with his feet touching the
+ground. Just at that moment Old Nick gave the bridle a jerk.
+
+"Oh--oh! You hurt! Get off my back, you drunken lubber!" exclaimed a
+voice issuing from the mouth of the beast. Old Nick leaped off and fled
+down the road.
+
+"Avast there!" cried Tim.
+
+"Hush up, you old fool! you are drunk too!" said Tim's donkey. The
+sailor rolled off.
+
+"Get off my back!" exclaimed another donkey.
+
+"Get off! get off! you ought all to be hung at the yard-arm for mutiny!"
+shouted each donkey in succession. With wild yells of terror, the
+sailors fled down the road to Callao, ran at full speed through the town
+to the water's edge, leaped into a boat and went on board the vessel.
+
+"Here, Mr. Pate, mount on this donkey," said the Professor, as Pate came
+riding along on the back of Hercules. The Professor selected an animal
+for himself, and he and Pate rode into Callao, and halted at the hotel,
+where they had left their trunks when they had started for Lima.
+
+At the hotel, Pate retired to a room and made his toilet; but when he
+again appeared he was so teased and tormented by certain wicked wags
+that he abruptly left the hotel and rushed into the street. He was seen
+no more. The passengers went on board and the ship was ready to sail.
+The captain went on shore and made inquiry for Pate. Nothing could be
+heard of him, and, after losing several days in a fruitless search, the
+ship finally put to sea.
+
+During the voyage there were numerous discussions in relation to his
+probable fate; but ultimately the opinion prevailed that he had gone
+back to Lima, to pay his bill at the hotel, and had thus been left
+behind. The ship sailed on without him, and after a voyage of two
+months, passed through the Golden Gate, and anchored in the harbor of
+San Francisco.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+
+
+"This seems to be a city of tents," said the Professor, as they stood on
+a hill which has long since been removed, and now forms a portion of the
+artificial foundation for the immense warehouses which stand where their
+ship anchored between Happy Valley and Goat Island.
+
+"I see very few houses," said Tom Seddon.
+
+"Only the old Spanish structures built a hundred years ago with adobe
+brick," said the Professor.
+
+"In two years from the present period," said Toney, "you will see houses
+all over this space,--hotels of six stories, and commodious dwellings
+and warehouses."
+
+"Toney is a prophet," said Tom.
+
+"On the very spot where we now stand there is gold in abundance," said
+Toney.
+
+"In these sand-hills?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Yes; in these very sand-hills where we now are," said Toney; "if a man
+has sagacity enough to perceive his chance and avail himself of it."
+
+"I divine your meaning," said the Professor. "Let us buy one of these
+sand-hills."
+
+"That was just what I was about to propose," said Toney.
+
+"What will we do with it?" asked Tom.
+
+"Leave it here and go to the mines," said Toney.
+
+"It won't run away," said the Professor.
+
+"Of what use will it be to us, or anybody else?" said Tom, kicking the
+sand about with his feet.
+
+"In a few years an immense city will extend for miles around," said
+Toney. "Our lot will be in the very center of the town."
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" cried Tom, throwing up his wool hat. "I see! I see!
+let us buy the sand-hill."
+
+"How much money have you?" asked Toney.
+
+"Five thousand dollars," said Tom.
+
+"I have about an equal amount in my trunk," said the Professor.
+
+"And I can raise about as much more," said Toney. "Come, let us make our
+purchase without delay."
+
+Business was then rapidly transacted in the El Dorado of the West,
+where, at that period, immense fortunes were frequently made and lost in
+a month. In a few hours the three friends were the owners of the
+sand-hill, and had their titles secured by deeds duly executed.
+
+On the following morning they hunted up Hercules and his companions, who
+were feasting on wild geese and quails at a tent in Montgomery Street,
+and embarked in a boat for Stockton, from which point they intended to
+proceed across the country to the mines on the Moquelumne River. In the
+afternoon of the same day they were entering the mouth of the San
+Joaquin when a schooner ran by them.
+
+"What place is this?" shouted Toney.
+
+"New York," answered a man on the schooner.
+
+"Not much like New York," said the Professor.
+
+"What place is it?" asked Tom Seddon.
+
+"New York!" shouted the man, with vehemence.
+
+"He knows," said Toney.
+
+"Let us go ashore and dine at the Astor House," said the Professor.
+
+They went on shore, but were unable to find the hotel designated, and
+made a meal on elk meat, in a tent kept by a one-eyed Hibernian; after
+which they again proceeded up the river until about the middle of the
+night, when they lashed to the tulas on the bank, and lay in the bottom
+of the boat, sometimes snoring and at other times fighting the
+mosquitoes.
+
+In the morning they hoisted sail, and in so doing Moses fell over the
+bow of the boat and was hauled in at the stern. After Moses had thus
+performed his ablutions, they sailed on until about ten o'clock, when
+Tom Seddon exclaimed, "This river is as crooked as the track of a snake!
+What mountain is that? It sometimes seems on the larboard, and sometimes
+on the starboard."
+
+"That is Mount Diablo, I suppose, from the description I have had of
+it," said the Professor.
+
+"The Devil's Mountain," said Tom.
+
+"In plain English, the Devil's Mountain," said the Professor.
+
+"I never was so hungry; I could eat a bear," said Tom.
+
+"Better eat a bear than that a bear should eat you," said the Professor.
+
+"I will starve before we get to Stockton," said Tom. "Let us go on shore
+and shoot some game."
+
+"Agreed!" said Toney. And they ran in along shore, and, fastening their
+boat to the bough of a tree, landed and proceeded through the tulas in
+the direction of Mount Diablo. When they had gone about a mile they
+reached an open space surrounded with thickets. Here they halted, and
+were gazing around in search of game, when Tom Seddon suddenly
+exclaimed, "Look! look!"
+
+About two hundred paces from where they stood a man rushed out from the
+thicket, and behind him came forth a huge and ferocious monster
+apparently in pursuit. The hideous beast ran after the man, and striking
+him with its nose under the tail of his coat hurled him headforemost
+about twenty feet. The man fell on his hands and knees, and the monster
+stood still and gazed at him intently.
+
+"The devil!" exclaimed Tom Seddon.
+
+"From Mount Diablo," said the Professor.
+
+"It is a grizzly bear," said Toney.
+
+"Gracious!" exclaimed Moses.
+
+"That fellow had better run," said Tom.
+
+"He has taken your advice," said the Professor.
+
+"The bear is after him again," said Toney.
+
+"Great thunder! I would as soon be shot out of a cannon!" shouted Tom
+Seddon, as the huge creature thrust its nose under the man's coat and
+propelled him forward with prodigious velocity. The man again fell on
+his hands and knees, and the beast stood still and regarded him with a
+steadfast look.
+
+"The bear is waiting for him to get up," said Tom.
+
+"That's right," said the Professor. "Never strike a man when he is
+down."
+
+"He is on his feet again," said Tom, as the man sprang up and commenced
+running.
+
+"And the bear is at him again," said Toney, as the eccentric monster
+rushed at the man and hurled him headlong with tremendous force.
+
+"Jupiter Tonans!" exclaimed Tom. "That was a settler."
+
+"He is stunned," said Toney, as the man lay motionless with his face on
+the ground. The bear stood still and looked intently at the prostrate
+form. The man did not move. After gazing at him for several moments, the
+bear walked up and smelled him from head to foot.
+
+"Is he going to eat him?" cried Tom.
+
+"I do not believe that he is," said the Professor.
+
+"Look there! Did you ever see the like?" cried Tom, as the bear
+commenced plowing up the earth with its nose and piling it on the man's
+body.
+
+"He is burying him," said Toney.
+
+"That bear has good principles in his composition," said the Professor.
+"He buries his dead."
+
+The bear continued to pile the earth over the man until he had raised
+quite a mound, when he turned round, and, at a shuffling gait, went off
+in the direction of Mount Diablo, and was soon hidden in the thicket.
+
+Toney and his friends now ran to the spot where the man was buried. The
+end of his coat was visible. Toney and Tom tugged at the tail of the
+coat, while the Professor aided in the disinterment by kicking off the
+earth with his feet.
+
+"By the powers of mud!" was uttered in a hoarse voice, and the man
+sprang erect.
+
+"Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney, in astonishment.
+
+"Great thunder!" cried Tom.
+
+The astonishment of Bragg was equal to that of Toney and Tom. He was
+covered with dirt, and swore vehemently "by the powers of mud." He
+eventually became more composed, and, while walking to the boat,
+accounted for the condition in which he was found. In coming down the
+river he had quarreled with the captain of the vessel, and challenged
+him to single combat. The captain had rudely refused to accept the
+challenge, and put Bragg on shore, where, in wandering about, he had
+encountered the bear.
+
+"Look!--look!--what's that?" cried Moses, as an agile creature with very
+long ears sprang up before them.
+
+"It is a young donkey," said Toney.
+
+Tom fired his gun and the animal fell dead.
+
+"In this country it is called a jackass rabbit," said Bragg, as Tom
+shouldered his game and carried it to the boat.
+
+A fire was kindled, and in a short time they were feasting on the
+broiled flesh of the rabbit. During the meal Botts and Bragg regarded
+each other with looks of savage ferocity, but no words were exchanged
+between them. Toney's mind was relieved from anxiety when Bragg pointed
+to a schooner coming down the river, and said,--
+
+"Mr. Belton, you would confer a great favor by putting me on board
+yonder vessel. I intend to proceed to San Francisco and settle with that
+villainous captain."
+
+The boat put off from the shore and conveyed Bragg to the schooner, and
+then proceeded up the river. When they were about six miles from
+Stockton, half a dozen barges filled with armed men came around a bend
+in the river.
+
+"Boat ahoy!" cried a tall man standing up in the foremost barge. No
+attention was paid to this hail, and the boat was kept on its course. In
+an instant more than fifty rifles were leveled at them, and Perch and
+Wiggins crouched down in the bottom of the boat and covered themselves
+with a buffalo robe.
+
+"What do you want?" cried Toney.
+
+"We are hunting for Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher,"
+exclaimed several men in the barges, which now came alongside.
+
+"They are not here," said Toney.
+
+"We will see," said one of the men. "Who is that hiding there?" And he
+jerked the buffalo robe aside and beheld Perch's fiery head of hair.
+
+"Red Mike!" he exclaimed.
+
+"And that is Long-Nose Jack," said another man, pointing to Wiggins's
+extraordinary nasal projection.
+
+"And there is the Preacher," said a big fellow, gazing sternly at Moses,
+who, from his peculiar conformation, looked much like a parson in
+disguise.
+
+"The Preacher is the worst of the whole gang," said one of the men.
+
+"We will hang him on the highest limb," said another.
+
+"Good heavens, gentlemen! you are not going to hang them?" exclaimed
+Toney.
+
+"They have done nothing!" cried Tom.
+
+"They have just landed in California," said the Professor.
+
+"You three fellows shut up," said one of the men. "We have got nothing
+against you, but we know these chaps. They are New York Hounds. Robbed a
+tent last night. We'll hang them as soon as we get back to Stockton."
+
+Moses and Perch were dumb with terror, as they were dragged into one of
+the barges, while Wiggins ejaculated,--
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" With loud cheers the men rowed away in the
+direction of Stockton. Toney and his friends followed, but were soon
+left far behind.
+
+When the lynching-party reached Stockton with their captives, loud
+shouts were heard on shore.
+
+"They have got them! they have got them! Ropes!--ropes!" were the cries,
+as the unfortunate prisoners were dragged from the barge.
+
+"Hang them! hang them!" was shouted and screamed by infuriated men, who
+came running with ropes prepared for the execution of the robbers. The
+affrighted prisoners were hurried to a large oak, which stood about a
+hundred yards from the main street. Three mules were now led to the
+spot, and the supposed felons, with ropes around their necks, were made
+to mount on the backs of the animals. A man climbed into the tree and
+fastened the ropes to a large horizontal limb. Each mule was held by
+its bridle, while a man stood behind with a whip, ready to apply the
+lash at a given signal.
+
+"Now," said a tall individual, who seemed to be the leader of the
+lynchers, "if you three fellows have got any thing to say, sing out. You
+have got five minutes to live. When I fire off this pistol, the mules
+will jump from under you, and you are gone."
+
+"Oh!--oh!--oh!" groaned Perch.
+
+"Tell my father," said Moses, turning his head round and looking
+piteously at Perch, "that I was hung for nothing."
+
+"I can't tell him," said Perch, "I've got to be hung
+myself,--oh!--oh!--oh!"
+
+"You have three minutes left," said the man with the pistol, looking at
+his watch.
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" ejaculated Wiggins.
+
+"If that's all you've got to say, you might as well shut up and be hung
+at once. Two minutes left!"
+
+"Oh! oh! oh!" groaned Perch.
+
+"One minute!"
+
+"Mercy!--mercy!--mercy!" cried Moses.
+
+The man cocked his pistol and elevated it over his head.
+
+"Oh, Lord! oh, Lord! oh, Lord!" screamed Wiggins.
+
+"Hold on!" cried a voice in the crowd.
+
+"What's broke loose?" said the man, lowering his pistol and turning
+round.
+
+"Here comes the Alcalde!" shouted a number of voices, as a rough fellow,
+with long hair, galloped up and halted his panting horse in front of the
+gallows.
+
+"What are you doing there?" asked he. And he glanced at Moses and his
+comrades, sitting on the mules, with the ropes around their necks.
+
+"Hanging Red Mike, Long-Nose Jack, and the Preacher," said the man with
+the pistol in his hand.
+
+"You have waked up the wrong passengers. We caught the infernal thieves
+on the road to San Jose. Here they are," said the Alcalde, as a party of
+men galloped up, having three prisoners in custody with their hands tied
+behind their backs.
+
+"Let these men go," said the Alcalde, pointing to Moses and the other
+two who were just about to be hung.
+
+The supposed robbers were released and the real offenders placed on the
+backs of the mules.
+
+"Run!" cried Moses, "run! run!" And he and his two companions fled in
+headlong haste to the water's edge, and encountered Toney and the other
+occupants of the boat, who were just landing.
+
+"Where are you going?" said Toney, as all three leaped into the boat and
+seized the oars.
+
+"Home!" exclaimed Moses.
+
+"Back to the States!" cried Perch.
+
+"I wouldn't stay here a week for all the gold in the mountains!" shouted
+Wiggins.
+
+"Come back! don't be fools! it was all a mistake," said Toney.
+
+"You'll be murdered," said Wiggins.
+
+"Oh, Toney, come with us! They will hang you if you stay here!" cried
+Moses.
+
+"Don't make dunces of yourselves," said Toney.
+
+"Good-by!" said Wiggins.
+
+"Farewell! farewell!" cried Perch.
+
+"God bless you, Toney!" ejaculated Moses, as he and Perch commenced
+pulling vigorously at the oars, while Wiggins laid hold on the tiller.
+
+They rested not during the whole ensuing night, and in the afternoon of
+the next day arrived at San Francisco. A steamer was about to sail, and
+they immediately went on board, and in a fortnight were landed at
+Panama.
+
+Having procured mules, they proceeded across the Isthmus to Cruces.
+
+Here they entered a public house, and behind the bar beheld a
+bald-headed man washing a bottle.
+
+"Look there!" exclaimed Perch.
+
+"Mr. Pate!" cried Wiggins.
+
+The bald-headed man looked up, and, uttering a cry of recognition,
+dropped the bottle, and, running from behind the bar, threw his arms
+around Wiggins's neck and hugged him fraternally.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+
+
+When M. T. Pate rushed from the hotel in Callao, he had been rendered
+frantic by the ridicule of the merciless wags by whom he was surrounded.
+Blinded with passion, he was hurrying along, not knowing nor caring
+whither he went, when he ran over a buzzard in the street and fell flat
+on his face. Springing to his feet, he struck the bird a heavy blow with
+a stick which laid it dead in the gutter. These industrious scavengers
+are protected by law in the Peruvian cities, and hardly had Pate
+committed this outrage when he was seized by a couple of soldiers and
+carried to the calaboose. For many weeks Pate pined in prison, living on
+exceedingly low diet. He was plunged in the depths of despair, and
+supposed that he would have to end his days in captivity as an expiation
+for his offense. He could see but a single gleam of hope. An earthquake
+might come and shake down the walls of his prison, and he might thus
+effect his escape. But there appeared to be a dearth of earthquakes in
+the country just at that time. Pate had often, during a long drought,
+read the prayers in church for rain, and he now used the same formula
+and prayed for an earthquake. But no convulsion of nature occurred,
+although he would often put his ear to the floor, and eagerly listen for
+the rumbling sounds which usually precede a subterranean commotion. One
+afternoon an old American tar was put in the calaboose for riotous
+conduct while drunk. The sailor lay on the floor, in the same room with
+Pate, and slept soundly until about the middle of the night, when he
+woke up sobered and in the full possession of his faculties. Pate was on
+his knees, loudly and fervently praying for an earthquake. The old salt
+sat on the floor and listened until he began to comprehend, when he
+became much excited.
+
+"Avast, you lubber!" he cried out, springing to his feet.
+
+Pate paid no attention. He was so absorbed in his devotions as not to
+be conscious of exterior surroundings.
+
+"Stop your yarn!" said the sailor.
+
+Pate heeded him not.
+
+"Shiver my timbers!" shouted the old tar, fiercely, "if I don't plug up
+your dead-lights!" And he seized Pate by the collar and thrust his huge
+fist under his nose.
+
+"Murder!" cried Pate.
+
+"Murder, and bloody murder, it will be, if you don't stop spinning your
+yarn," said the sailor.
+
+"Who are you? who are you?" cried Pate.
+
+"Belong to the ship Fredonia," said the tar.
+
+"Did you kill a buzzard?" said Pate.
+
+"No; I got drunk. They'll let me out in the morning. I've been here
+before."
+
+"Will you get out? I'll have to stay here all my life."
+
+"What sort of a cruise have you been on that brought you into this port?
+What did they put you here for?"
+
+"I killed a buzzard."
+
+"If you'd killed a man they wouldn't have minded it much. But they think
+more of their blasted buzzards than they do of their shovel-hats."
+
+"Will I ever get out?" cried Pate. "Oh, that I could get a letter to my
+friends!"
+
+"Are you an American man?"
+
+"I am! I am! And in a dirty prison for killing a buzzard!"
+
+"Give me your paw, shipmate! I'll stand by you. Good luck was the wind
+that brought me under your stern."
+
+Pate and the old tar now had a long talk, and it was determined that the
+former should address a note to the American consul, which he did;
+writing with a pencil on a blank leaf torn from his pocket-book. In the
+morning the sailor was released, and carried Pate's communication to the
+consul, who transmitted it to the American minister at Lima.
+
+The condition of the unhappy captive thus came to the knowledge of the
+representative of the great republic; who told the Peruvian government,
+in plain terms, that his country would not permit one of her citizens
+to remain in prison during so long a period, merely for the paltry
+offense of slaying a turkey-buzzard. An angry correspondence ensued; and
+during its pendency, a heavy American frigate and two corvettes came
+into the harbor of Callao, and anchored with their broadsides bearing
+upon the fort. The decided tone of the minister who was a man of nerve
+and determination, and the presence of this formidable force, convinced
+the Peruvian authorities that his Excellency was in earnest; and being
+in no condition to risk a bombardment, much less a ruinous war with a
+nation so powerful as the United States, they consented to the release
+of the prisoner on condition that he should leave the country within
+forty-eight hours.
+
+Pate now determined to return home without delay. He had long since
+become disgusted with gold-hunting; and the home-sickness, which came
+over him in the calaboose, continued after he got out. So he immediately
+took passage on an English brig bound for Panama; intending to proceed
+by way of the Isthmus to New York.
+
+Having purchased a monkey to keep him company during the voyage, he went
+on board, and the vessel sailed. He had a pleasant passage until they
+were within a day's sail of Panama, when he met with a sad mishap. He
+was sitting on deck, dandling his monkey on his knee, when a careless
+lubber let a pot containing red paint fall from the tops. The paint was
+spattered over M. T. Pate, who thought that it was his own blood and
+brains, and under this impression, supposing that he would have to give
+up the ghost, fainted away. But a bucket of salt-water being dashed in
+his face by an old tar, he revived, and, looking around, perceived that
+his monkey was dead. The pot had hit it on the head and killed it
+instantly. He mourned over his monkey until he reached Panama, where he
+rested a day, and then bought a mule and started across the Isthmus.
+
+At a short distance from Cruces, in sight of the road, is a large ship's
+anchor lying in the wood. How it came there nobody can tell. Many
+suppose that it was conveyed from the Caribbean Sea up the Chagres River
+by Pizarro and his Spaniards, when they were proceeding to Panama to
+construct vessels for the conquest of Peru; and that being unable to
+transport it any farther by land, they had left it lying in the forest.
+
+Pate tied his mule to a tree, and, walking aside from the road, seated
+himself on the anchor and began to meditate.
+
+"Here," said he, in a soliloquy, "once stood Pizarro the Conqueror. No
+daring robber, animated by the sordid love of gold, was that great man.
+He came to destroy the pagan superstitions of a benighted land, and to
+extend the blessings of civilization over an entire continent."
+
+As Pate uttered these words, his guardian angel, who was anxiously
+hovering over him, wanted to warn him of his danger, but was unable to
+do so. A man of savage aspect had crept from a thicket in his rear, and,
+with a catlike step, was cautiously advancing, having a heavy club
+raised in readiness to strike.
+
+"In those days," said Pate, "all was darkness and barbarism; but now,
+the benign influences of----"
+
+The club descended. Pate beheld a whole constellation, and several
+planets at mid-day, and sank senseless to the earth.
+
+When Pate opened his eyes it was late in the afternoon. Flocks of
+parrots were fluttering around him, and multitudes of monkeys were
+chattering and nimbly leaping among the boughs of the trees. He arose
+from the greensward with a bad headache, and discovered that he had been
+robbed. His money was gone, and his mule had disappeared. Without a
+dollar, he was in a strange land and thousands of miles from home. He
+staggered on until he reached Cruces, where he entered a public house
+kept by an American, to whom he related his misfortunes.
+
+The man had just lost his bar-keeper, and employed M. T. Pate to wait
+upon his customers until he could earn money enough to pay his passage
+to the United States. And here he was found by Wiggins and his
+companions washing a bottle.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+
+
+Wiggins and his friends furnished the unfortunate Pate with pecuniary
+means, and he accompanied them to Chagres and embarked for New York,
+where in due time they arrived, and immediately took passage on the
+Southern train. About a week after his arrival in Mapleton, Pate
+received a visit from the father of the fair Juliet, who informed him
+that his daughter, the wife of Romeo, had discovered that there had been
+a misapprehension on her part in regard to Pate's conduct.
+
+"There has been a sad mistake," said Mr. Singleton. "You honestly
+believed that my daughter had beaten you, and did not intend to slander
+her when you so asserted."
+
+"She did beat me, sir," said Pate, "and most barbarously. She knocked me
+down with her fist and then broke my arm."
+
+"You thought so," said Mr. Singleton; "but it was a mistake."
+
+"How could it be a mistake?" cried Pate. "Did I not feel the blow from
+her fist? Did I not see her standing over me, kicking me with her foot
+and beating me with a terrible club? Was not my arm broken? Did I not
+lie in bed for weeks? And then to sue me! And now I am a ruined man! I
+have not a dollar in the world!"
+
+And the big tears rolled down his cheeks as he thought of his destitute
+condition.
+
+"Mr. Pate," said the father of the fair Juliet, visibly affected by
+Pate's distress, "I am rich, and so is my daughter's husband. She is my
+only child and will inherit all my wealth. She don't want your property.
+Your farm has been purchased by us, and a deed prepared securing the
+title to you. Here is the deed, sir, and here is a check on my banker
+for a sum equal to the value of your personal property, which was sold
+by the sheriff. Good-morning, Mr. Pate." And Mr. Singleton hurried away,
+leaving Pate dumb with amazement.
+
+After having been haunted by bad lack for a long period Fortune smiled
+upon M. T. Pate at last. The first thing he did, after being
+re-established in his former home, was to hunt up old Whitey, then in
+the possession of Simon Rump. Simon's angel had gone to Abraham's bosom,
+and the eldest of the female cherubs, who had now assumed the appearance
+of a full-grown woman, kept house for the bereaved Rump. When Pate
+called at the house he found his friend Perch seated by the side of the
+female cherub, who was evidently delighted with his society. Perch was
+entertaining the cherub with an account of his adventures by sea and
+land, and, like Desdemona,--
+
+
+     "She swore, in faith, 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange;
+     'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful;
+     She wished she had not heard it; yet she wished
+     That Heaven had made her such a man."
+
+
+The sagacity of M. T. Pate enabled him to perceive that Perch and the
+cherub were in the incipient stages of love, and he left them in that
+embarrassing condition and sought Simon Rump, whom he found feeding his
+hogs. Rump agreed to give up old Whitey, and Pate paid the ransom for
+his horse and rode home in a happy mood of mind.
+
+Next morning, as he was riding his four-footed friend through the
+streets of Mapleton, he perceived Wiggins walking with the widow whom he
+had once led to the altar but failed to marry, owing to an unfortunate
+blunder. They had evidently become reconciled; and Wiggins was now
+performing the part of Othello, and employing the witchcraft which that
+dusky hero had used in wooing Brabantio's daughter.
+
+As Pate rode on he met Gideon Foot, who informed him that Bliss had been
+blessed with an heir, and the boy was to be named M. T. Pate. Love had a
+sweet babe several weeks old, that looked like a Cupid smiling in the
+cradle, and very recently a pretty pair of young Doves had made their
+appearance in the town of Mapleton.
+
+Pate rode home in a meditative mood. A strange feeling came over him; a
+feeling he had never experienced before; and as he sat in his lonely
+abode, absorbed in meditation, it became stronger, and finally obtained
+the mastery.
+
+"I see it plainly!" he exclaimed, in a soliloquy. "It is useless for man
+to seek to avoid his destiny. Inevitable Fate will pursue him wherever
+he goes. He cannot escape. My time has come. I must marry." He uttered
+these last words in great agitation, and trembled from head to foot. In
+a few moments he started up and exclaimed,--
+
+"I must marry;--but whom?"
+
+He could not answer this question, and held it under consideration for
+several months, without being able to arrive at a satisfactory
+conclusion.
+
+During this period he witnessed the marriage of Perch and the cherub,
+and waited on Wiggins when the latter again led the blushing widow to
+the altar, and, on a second trial, responded pertinently and
+satisfactorily to the interrogatories propounded by the parson. His two
+friends were now in the midst of domestic bliss, while he was unable to
+solve the question, which was perplexing him during the day and
+interrupting his slumbers at night.
+
+While in this condition of mind, he visited the metropolis of the State,
+and on a bright sunny day drove a young widow in his buggy to see a
+magnificent country residence, located a few miles from the city, which
+had just been completed, but was not yet occupied by the owner. With his
+fair companion on his arm he entered the building, and much time was
+spent in a critical examination of the various apartments, from the hall
+to the attic. The widow at last complained of fatigue, and seated
+herself in one of the parlors. Pate blandly requested her to excuse his
+absence for a few moments, and said that he would go down and explore
+the cellar. The lady waited for a long time and then began to feel
+lonesome, and finally becoming quite uneasy, impatiently exclaimed,--
+
+"What in the world has become of him?"
+
+Hardly had these words escaped her lips when she was horrified by
+hearing most singular and startling sounds coming up from the cellar
+below. It seemed as if a multitude of dogs, of every size and breed, had
+been let loose, and were all yelping and barking at the same time;
+while amidst this canine uproar could be distinguished a human voice
+lustily shrieking,--
+
+"Get out! get out! Help! help! Murder! murder!"
+
+The lady was astonished and frightened, but had courage enough to rush
+towards the scene of action. But as soon as she had reached the head of
+the stairway leading to the cellar, a sight met her eyes which compelled
+her to retire; for modesty forbade her taking any part in the strife,
+although her companion was vastly overpowered and sadly in need of
+assistance. On the stairway stood M. T. Pate; having just escaped from
+the combined assault made upon him by a large number of dogs which had
+been temporarily confined in the cellar by the proprietor of the
+mansion. The whole of poor Pate's under-garments had been torn from his
+person, and there he stood in a tailless coat and a stout pair of boots,
+thanking a merciful Providence for the preservation of his life. In this
+condition he did not dare to appear in the presence of his fair
+companion, and communication was carried on between them, by each taking
+a position in a separate apartment and calling to the other in a voice
+raised to a high key. After a prolonged consultation conducted in this
+manner, the widow proposed to leave one of her under-garments in the
+room which she then occupied and retreat to another, while he came in
+and put it on. Poor Pate thankfully accepted the loan which the kind
+lady offered him; being driven to this shift to hide his nudity. He and
+the widow were compelled to remain in that lonely mansion until the
+shades of night covered the earth, when he drove her in his buggy back
+to the city. He left her at her door and proceeded with his buggy to a
+livery-stable. Here the sight of his strange habiliments created great
+amazement among the hostlers and stable-boys; and when he started up the
+street in his robes he was arrested by the police and carried to a
+station-house; where he spent the whole night weeping and wailing on a
+hard oaken bench. In the morning he was taken before a magistrate, where
+his strange story was listened to with wonder mingled with much
+merriment; and being entirely satisfactory, he obtained his discharge,
+as well as the loan of a coat and a pair of pantaloons.
+
+On the following day Pate called upon the widow and restored the
+garment borrowed from her, after the brutal assault upon his person in
+the lonely mansion. She blushed when she received it, and sank into a
+chair overcome with emotion. The heart of a woman is an inexplicable
+puzzle. Newton, with his mighty mind, could comprehend the movements of
+suns and planets and calculate their density; but woman was to him an
+incomprehensible problem, even when he pressed the hand of a fair lady
+who sat by his side, and felt that he could make so free as to thrust
+her finger into the bowl of his pipe. Who can tell what caused the widow
+to bestow her affections on M. T. Pate? Perhaps, after he had so nearly
+fallen a bleeding victim to canine ferocity,--
+
+
+     "She loved him for the dangers he had passed,
+      And he loved her that she did pity them."
+
+
+Upon no other hypothesis can we account for the fact that after he had
+been in constant attendance on the widow for several weeks they were
+married. A few days afterwards a carriage drove through the streets of
+Mapleton, in which sat M. T. Pate and his bride. The event was announced
+in the local newspaper, which also contained an obituary notice of the
+death of Samuel Crabstick, who had left a will, by which he bestowed the
+riches he had so carefully hoarded on his niece, the beautiful Ida
+Somers.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+
+
+By the will of her uncle, Ida was in possession of a large estate. The
+fair young girl was without a near relative in the world. Colonel
+Hazlewood kindly undertook the management of her property; and, at the
+invitation of Rosabel and her mother, she made her home in the mansion
+of the Widow Wild. On a certain day we there find her seated in her room
+and engaged in composition. Her little fingers run rapidly over the
+pages, and soon finish a letter of several sheets of gilt-edged
+note-paper. She gazes intently at her own name, written in a beautiful
+hand at the bottom of the last page, and then she kisses it. Having so
+done, she folds the letter, and then opens it and imprints another kiss
+on the same spot. Now, why did the young lady kiss her own name written
+at the end of the letter? Love has its unerring instincts, and Ida knew
+that as soon as a certain young gentleman opened that letter, and saw
+the name at the bottom of the last page, he would rapturously imprint a
+multitude of kisses on that particular spot. How did the young maiden
+know this? Had she not received a number of letters, and as soon as she
+saw "Tom" written at the end of each, had she not looked around to
+ascertain if any one was observing her; and then had not her ruby lips
+kissed the beloved name again and again in rapid succession? Thus Tom
+had been kissing Ida and Ida had been kissing Tom, for the last six
+months, with a whole continent between them.
+
+The kiss was carefully sealed up in an envelope and conveyed to the
+post-office at Mapleton. The iron monster attached to a train of cars,
+rushing through the hills and over the valleys, carried it to New York.
+A magnificent steamer transported it over the Atlantic's waves, and
+across the Mexican Golf and the Caribbean Sea to the mouth of the
+Chagres River; and from thence it traveled in a canoe to Gorgona and
+Cruces; and then rode on the back of a mule to Panama, where another
+steamer received it, and plowing through the billows of the Pacific,
+entered the Golden Gate, and took it as far as San Francisco; and from
+thence, on another steamer, it proceeded up the bay, and entering the
+river, arrived at the city of Sacramento; and then rode on the back of
+another mule across the prairies and among the mountains, and was safely
+deposited in a post-office in a mining-town, where Toney Belton was
+awaiting the arrival of the mail. We thus see how many means of
+transportation were required to convey a young lady's kiss to her lover.
+
+But where was the lover? About three miles from that post-office, on the
+side of a ravine, stood a young man clad in a pair of loose trousers and
+a red shirt. He appeared to be engaged in culinary operations, and was,
+in fact, cooking flapjacks. His rifle leaned against a tree; his wool
+hat lay on the ground; the sleeves of his red shirt were rolled up to
+the elbow; his long beard was parted and tied in a knot behind his neck,
+so as to escape being scorched when he stooped over the fire; and he
+grasped the handle of a frying-pan, used instead of an oven, and watched
+the effect of the heat upon the material lying in the bottom of the pan.
+And now he lifts the pan from the fire and gives it a peculiar toss, and
+up flies a flapjack in the air about three feet above the pan, and,
+turning over as it descends, is caught and ready to be baked on the
+other side. Just as this feat was accomplished, a voice cried out,--
+
+"Here, Tom, is a letter!"
+
+Tom dropped the flapjack on the fire, and, in great excitement, ran to
+the spot where Toney Belton had just dismounted from a mule. The mule
+kicked at him, but Tom dodged, and, receiving the letter, hurried behind
+a pine-tree, and, seating himself on a rock, opened it. He turned it
+over, and seeing the signature, he kissed Ida several times in quick
+succession. Thus was Ida's kiss, after having traveled more than ten
+thousand miles, safely conveyed to Tom's lips.
+
+Tom Seddon read the letter and was the happiest man in the diggings.
+When he came to the last line he kissed Ida again. Tom read the letter
+over five times, and at the close of each reading his lips approached
+the paper and tenderly pressed it. When he came from behind the tree,
+Toney had eaten all the flapjacks which had been baked. He told Toney
+that old Crabstick was dead and that he must go home.
+
+"And so must I," said Toney.
+
+"We will start to-morrow," said Tom.
+
+"We will start from the mines to-morrow," said Toney.
+
+"I wish you had a hundred thousand dollars," said Tom.
+
+"I have more than a hundred thousand dollars," said Toney. "Read that."
+And he handed Tom a letter addressed to himself. Tom read it, and then
+ran to the place where his wool hat lay on the ground, and, seizing it,
+threw it up in the air.
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah!" shouted Tom. "You can now marry Rosabel!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+
+
+"Our sand-hill has been sold," said Toney, after Tom had concluded his
+enthusiastic demonstrations.
+
+"And for five hundred thousand dollars!" said Tom.
+
+"Good news for Charley when he comes into camp."
+
+"It is time he had returned. He and Botts and Hercules have been
+prospecting since last Monday."
+
+"They will be here to-day."
+
+"Yonder comes Hercules now. What is that he has got? It looks like a
+coyote."
+
+"No, it is a young deer."
+
+Hercules walked up to the fire, and, nodding his head, threw his game on
+the ground.
+
+"Where is Charley?" asked Toney.
+
+Hercules pointed with his finger, and the Professor was seen
+approaching.
+
+"Where is Botts?" asked Tom.
+
+"He is dead," said Hercules.
+
+"Dead!" cried Tom.
+
+"Got killed," said Hercules, laconically; for he was tired and taciturn.
+
+"Got killed!" exclaimed Toney. "How?"
+
+"He'll tell you," said Hercules, pointing to the Professor, who now came
+up.
+
+"It is true," said the Professor. "Botts is no more. He met with a
+violent death."
+
+"How did it happen?" asked Toney.
+
+"He fell a victim to his ungovernable temper," said the Professor. "On
+yesterday morning he and I left Hercules cooking some game, and
+proceeded to a mining-town which we saw at a distance. Botts rode on a
+mule and I walked by his side. As we entered the town, Botts called out
+to a man whom we met,--
+
+"'What place is this?'
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.
+
+"'What?' cried Botts, with a savage look. The man made no answer, but
+went on his way whistling. We had gone a little farther when another man
+approached us.
+
+"'What place is this?' asked Botts.
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man.
+
+"'What's that you say?' exclaimed Botts, glaring at the stranger with a
+ferocious aspect. The man was evidently of a timid disposition. He
+looked frightened and hurried on. Botts swore vehemently, and said that
+the next fellow who cursed him would catch it. As we went along we saw a
+man on the brow of a hill which rose abruptly from the river. The man
+had his back towards us, and before him, standing on its hind legs, was
+a kangaroo dog. The man seemed to be instructing the dog in the art of
+dancing.
+
+"'I say, stranger,' cried Botts, 'what place is this?'
+
+"'Yuba Dam,' said the man, without turning around.
+
+"Botts uttered a howl of rage and sprang from his mule.
+
+"'By the powers of mud!' shouted the man, facing about."
+
+"It was Captain Bragg!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Yes; it was Bragg," said the Professor. "Botts and Bragg eyed each
+other like two angry beasts. Both had weapons, but neither thought of
+drawing them. Each sprang at his enemy's throat. They were soon rolling
+on the ground and fiercely fighting. Botts was uppermost, when the
+kangaroo dog seized him by the seat of his breeches. A little bull
+terrier ran out from a tent and caught the kangaroo dog by the throat.
+Uttering howls of rage, and clutching each other by the throat, men and
+dogs rolled over and over, down the hill and into the river."
+
+"Into the water?" exclaimed Tom.
+
+"Yes; into the water ten feet deep."
+
+"What became of them?" cried Toney.
+
+"The dogs ceased to fight and swam ashore," said the Professor.
+
+"But the men?" said Toney.
+
+"They continued to clutch each other by the throat, and were swept away
+by the rapid current, and sank to rise no more."
+
+"What an awful fate!" exclaimed Toney.
+
+"Too awful to talk about," said the Professor. "Let us select some more
+pleasant topic of conversation."
+
+"We have good news for you," said Toney.
+
+"What's that?" asked the Professor.
+
+Toney now informed him of the sale of the sand-hill, and of their
+intention to return to the States. A long consultation ensued, and by
+the time it had ended, Hercules had cooked the deer and it had grown
+dark. While they were eating the venison, two men encamped, and kindled
+a fire under a pine-tree, at a distance of about fifty yards from where
+they sat. After Hercules had satisfied the keen demands of hunger, he
+walked off, and, laying himself down by the trunk of a fallen tree, was
+soon in a sound sleep. Toney, Tom, and the Professor continued their
+conversation until a late hour.
+
+"And now, Charley," said Toney, "as this is to be our last night in the
+mines, let us have some music."
+
+"Give us 'Oft in the Stilly Night,'" said Tom.
+
+The Professor drew a flute from his pocket and played the air which had
+been requested. As he concluded, a clear, manly voice, at the
+neighboring camp-fire, was heard singing:
+
+
+     The voice! the voice of music!
+       The melancholy flute!
+     Mournfully on the midnight air,
+       When all else is mute!
+
+     As if some gentle spirit,
+       With softly trembling voice,
+     Imprisoned in that hollow reed,
+       Mourned o'er perished joys!
+
+     Cease! cease that mournful music!
+       Oh, cease that plaintive strain!
+     It bids me feel as I would feel
+       Never more again!
+
+     The fairest hopes long blighted,
+       And youth's bright visions o'er,
+     And joys that shone so heavenly bright,
+       Gone for evermore!
+
+     These mem'ries rush upon me
+       With each sweet, mournful air;
+     Then, cease! in mercy, cease that strain!
+       Forbear! oh, forbear!
+
+
+"Good heavens!" exclaimed Toney, "I recognize that voice!" And he sprang
+up and ran to the camp-fire. Two stalwart young men, in the rough garbs
+of miners, were standing with their backs to the blazing logs.
+
+"Harry Vincent!" cried Toney.
+
+"Clarence Hastings!" shouted Tom Seddon, as he rushed forward and
+grasped his long-lost friends each by the hand.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L.
+
+
+"What a madman I have been!" cried Harry.
+
+"And what a crazy fool I have been for five long years!" exclaimed
+Clarence.
+
+"I have been an idiot!" said Harry.
+
+"And I have been a brute!" said Clarence, "to desert her as I did!"
+
+"She is an angel!" cried Harry.
+
+"What must she think of me?" groaned Clarence.
+
+"Let us go back to the States!" said Harry, springing up impulsively.
+
+"You can't go to-night. We will all be off in the morning," said Tom
+Seddon.
+
+These exclamations were uttered by the two young men after a
+conversation, in which all that has been long known to the reader was
+fully explained.
+
+In the morning, before the woodpecker's tap was heard on the bark of the
+lofty pines, the young men were on their feet, and making preparations
+for their departure.
+
+"Where is Hercules?" asked Toney.
+
+"He is sleeping by the side of yonder old log," said Tom.
+
+"I will wake him," said Toney. And he proceeded to the spot pointed out,
+and came running back as pale as a ghost.
+
+"What's the matter?" asked Tom.
+
+Toney could hardly speak. He gasped out,--
+
+"A rattlesnake is coiled up on his blanket!"
+
+Tom Seddon was about to run to the spot, when Harry Vincent held him
+back.
+
+"Hush!" said Harry. "Make no noise, or he is a dead man!"
+
+He and Clarence then took their rifles and advanced cautiously to the
+place where Hercules lay in a sound sleep. The reptile was coiled up
+with its head nearly touching his shoulder. Harry put the muzzle of his
+rifle within an inch of the snake's head and fired.
+
+Hercules leaped up and uttered a howl. He turned round and beheld two
+strange men standing before him with rifles in their hands. With a wild
+yell of terror the giant fled across the ravine, and along a road
+leading over a mountain.
+
+"Come back! come back!" shouted Toney.
+
+But Hercules continued his flight.
+
+"Mount that mule, Tom, and ride after him, or the fool won't stop
+running until he gets to Oregon," said Toney.
+
+Tom mounted the mule, and, after a long chase, captured the giant and
+brought him back to camp.
+
+"Look there!" said Tom, pointing to the decapitated serpent.
+
+"Was that it?" said Hercules. "He's a whopper!" And he stooped down and
+examined the dead body of his bed-fellow.
+
+"Eighteen rattles and a button!" said Tom.
+
+"Which indicate that he has lived twenty-one years," said Clarence.
+
+"The snake had arrived at years of discretion," said the Professor.
+
+"He showed very little discretion in selecting Hercules for a sleeping
+partner," said Toney.
+
+"The firm of Hercules & Co. would be a dangerous one to deal with,"
+said the Professor.
+
+"To avoid it would have been prudent during the lifetime of his deceased
+partner," said Toney.
+
+"What are you going to do with them?" asked Tom, as Hercules cut off the
+rattles and put them in his pocket.
+
+"Carry them with me to the States, when I go," said Hercules.
+
+"We are going back now," said Tom.
+
+"Are you going?" asked Hercules.
+
+"Yes," said Tom; "we are getting ready to start."
+
+"I will go too," said Hercules; "I have got gold enough."
+
+"What will you do with your gold when you get home?" asked Tom.
+
+"Buy a farm, and then----" Hercules hesitated and blushed.
+
+"Well, what then?" asked Toney.
+
+"I will marry my little cousin," said the giant.
+
+"That's right!" said Toney.
+
+"Who is your little cousin?" asked Tom.
+
+"Polly Sampson. She is a very little woman, but she is very pretty."
+
+"Well, come help us to pack up, and we will all be off," said Tom.
+
+"And you can go home and marry Polly Sampson," said Toney.
+
+Hercules went to work with alacrity, and they were soon packed up, and
+on the road to Sacramento; which place they reached late at night, and
+on the following evening were in San Francisco. They were detained in
+the city of Saint Francis several days; and the business relating to the
+sale of their sand-hill having been completed, Toney, Tom, and the
+Professor went on board the steamer with their fortunes in their
+money-belts, in the shape of drafts on banking-houses in New York. They
+soon passed through the Golden Gate and were on the broad waters of the
+Pacific Ocean. The weather was fine, and the vessel was remarkable for
+her speed. In a few days they were running along in sight of the coast
+of Lower California, and about two leagues from the land. The Professor
+was on deck, with a telescope in his hand, looking at the desolate
+coast, when he suddenly cried out,--
+
+"There are several persons standing on the beach."
+
+"They are pelicans," said the captain. "At a distance they are often
+mistaken for human beings."
+
+"Human beings they are," said the Professor; "and, good heavens! there
+is a woman among them. They have a white handkerchief elevated as a
+signal of distress."
+
+The captain took the telescope, and, after looking through it, said,--
+
+"You are right. There are several men; and there is a woman among them."
+
+"This coast is uninhabited," said the Professor. "Who can they be?"
+
+"Persons escaped from some wreck," said the captain.
+
+"Put the ship about! Run her in towards the land! They must be rescued!"
+cried the Professor.
+
+"I dare not do it; the water is shoal," said the captain. "We must stop
+the engines and lower a boat."
+
+The order was given; the engines stop, and the boat lowered, and into it
+leaped Toney and the Professor; while six seamen manned the oars. The
+boat put off from the vessel; and the sailors pulling with a will, they
+were soon approaching the shore. Several men were seen standing on a
+rock, and one of them was waving a white handkerchief. They cheered, and
+were responded to by the loud huzzas of the party in the boat, which
+grounded within a few yards of the shore. The Professor's gaze was
+intently fixed on some object at the base of the rock.
+
+It was a young and beautiful woman. She was standing, with her eyes
+upturned and her hands clasped, as if thanking Heaven for their
+deliverance.
+
+The Professor leaped into the water, and rushed to the beach. He stood
+for a moment gazing at the beautiful girl. He then rushed forward and
+exclaimed,--
+
+"Dora!"
+
+As she heard his voice she started, and then, with a joyful cry of
+recognition, uttered his name, and was caught in his arms as, overcome
+with emotion, she was falling to the ground.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+
+
+Major Stanhope, the father of Dora, and an officer in the army of the
+United States, had been stationed at San Francisco. His wife was dead
+and he had no child except Dora. They had resided in California about a
+year, when the gallant soldier, who had never recovered from the effects
+of a wound received in the storming of Chapultepec, found his health
+rapidly failing, and was soon removed to another sphere of existence.
+Dora's nearest relative, her father's sister, resided in the State of
+Virginia, and the young girl had taken passage on a vessel bound for
+Panama, with the intention of returning to the place of her nativity and
+residing with her aunt. The vessel was old and unseaworthy, and went to
+pieces in a violent storm encountered off the coast of Lower California.
+The boats in which the crew and passengers sought safety were swamped,
+with the exception of one, which reached the shore in a leaky condition;
+and if the Professor had not happened to take up the captain's telescope
+when he did, Dora and the six other human beings, who were thus
+discovered, would have perished on that desolate coast.
+
+In a romantic valley of the Old Dominion Dora and the Professor had
+known each other in former days. The young man had tenderly loved the
+beautiful maiden, and his affection was secretly reciprocated; but on a
+certain occasion, while under the influence of temporary pique or
+caprice, Dora had rejected the man whom she deeply and sincerely loved,
+and they met no more, until, after the lapse of seven long years, fate
+brought them together on the shores of the Pacific Ocean.
+
+The weather continued to be fine, and the day after Dora had been
+brought on board, she had recovered from the effects of fatigue and
+exposure and came on deck with a beautiful bloom on her cheeks. The
+deportment of the Professor was now strangely altered. He was no longer
+the man of wit and humor, and during the remainder of the voyage never
+uttered a joke. When the young maiden was on deck, he was constantly at
+her side, and when she retired to her state-room, he would sit for hours
+in a mood of mental abstraction.
+
+"What is the matter with him?" said Tom to Toney, as, on a certain
+night, they were pacing to and fro on deck and puffing their cheroots.
+"Yonder he sits, gazing at the moon, and won't talk to anybody. What do
+you think he called me just now?"
+
+"What?" asked Toney.
+
+"He called me Miss Dora."
+
+"Did he?" said Toney, laughing.
+
+"He did, indeed."
+
+"It was by way of retaliation," said Toney.
+
+"Retaliation? How?"
+
+"You used to call him Ida."
+
+"When?"
+
+"When you were in Doubting Castle."
+
+"What sort of a place is that?"
+
+"You ought to know; you dwelt in it for some time. Poor Charley is in
+Doubting Castle. Let him alone. He will soon get out. I have observed
+the demeanor of the young lady when they were together, and I know, from
+certain unmistakable signs, that Charley will not have to listen to
+another negative. All is right. He will soon be the same jovial and
+agreeable companion he has hitherto been."
+
+"He is a very disagreeable fellow now," said Tom.
+
+"He used to say the same thing of you when you called him Ida, and would
+not let him sleep with your incessant somniloquism."
+
+"I think we should call ourselves the Silent Philosophers," said Tom.
+"Harry and Clarence are thoughtful and taciturn, except when they are
+complaining about the slowness of the vessel. As for Charley, I believe
+he would not care if we were on a voyage of circumnavigation around the
+globe, now he has Dora on board."
+
+"Our voyage on the Pacific is ended," said Toney. "Yonder is Panama."
+
+"Where?" cried Tom.
+
+"Do you not see the lights along the land?" said Toney.
+
+The voice of the captain was now heard issuing orders, which satisfied
+Tom that they were about to go into port.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+
+
+On the following morning, having landed on the soil of Central America,
+they started across the Isthmus. Dora rode on a little mule, and the
+Professor walked by her side, holding the bridle. Toney and Tom, with
+Clarence and Harry, proceeded on foot, Hercules bringing up the rear
+with a huge club in his hand. It was wonderful to witness the tender
+solicitude of the Professor for Dora. Along the road were a number of
+small houses, where the natives sold fruit and coffee to travelers, who
+came in crowds after a steamer had arrived at Panama. At these houses
+Dora's mule would halt, and the Professor would go in, and come forth
+with a nice cup of coffee; and as the young maiden put it to her lips
+her beautiful blue eyes would be peeping over the top of the cup at the
+smiling face of her escort with a most tender expression. He would then
+select the most delicious fruit and hand it to Dora, who would receive
+it with a sweet smile, which made some of the rough miners, passing,
+imagine that an angel sat on the back of the little mule.
+
+Toney and his companions frequently halted to rest; and Dora's mule was
+far in advance of them on the road. When within a short distance of
+Cruces, they came to the spot where the anchor lay, near the side of the
+road. Here they beheld Dora and the Professor seated on the anchor and
+the mule quietly cropping the grass.
+
+"Look yonder!" said Tom. And he started towards the pair seated on the
+anchor.
+
+"Come on!" said Toney, with a peculiar look. Tom took the hint, and,
+with his companions, continued to walk on in the direction of Cruces.
+
+"All's right!" said Toney, in a whisper, to Tom. "The anchor is the
+emblem of hope."
+
+"Do you think he will now get out of Doubting Castle?" asked Tom.
+
+"I know it," said Toney. "Let us move on. Yonder is Cruces."
+
+They stopped at the public house, where Wiggins and his companions found
+the unfortunate M. T. Pate washing a bottle. In about an hour the
+Professor arrived, leading Dora's little mule by the bridle. The
+Professor's face was radiant with happiness; and Dora's cheeks were
+covered with a multitude of the most beautiful blushes. Toney and Tom
+exchanged looks of peculiar significance.
+
+The young lady rested at the public house; while the Professor walked
+with Toney and his companions to the river, where they hired canoes to
+convey them to Chagres. While they were bargaining with the negroes who
+were to row them down the river, the Professor uttered a number of
+jokes, which satisfied Tom that he was going to be an agreeable fellow
+again. As they were returning to the public house, the Professor took
+Toney aside, and informed him that, while seated on the anchor in the
+wood, he had again earnestly entreated Dora to assist him in his search
+for domestic bliss and connubial felicity.
+
+"Well," said Toney; "and what was the result?"
+
+"The proposition was decided in the affirmative," said the Professor.
+
+Toney grasped the Professor's hand, and shook it violently.
+
+"Shall I tell Tom?" asked Toney.
+
+"You may, but with the injunction of secrecy," said the Professor.
+
+Tom was informed of the event which had occurred on Pizarro's anchor in
+the wood, and he laid hold on the Professor and hugged him.
+
+"Confound it, Tom!" said the Professor. "You hug like a cinnamon bear."
+
+"I can't help it!" said Tom. "I am so glad! And Toney has a hundred
+thousand dollars. Hurrah! hurrah!"
+
+"When we get home, let no one know that I have a hundred thousand
+dollars," said Toney.
+
+"Why not?" asked Tom.
+
+"I wish the Widow Wild to suppose that I have come home as poor as I was
+when I left," said Toney. "I will explain my reasons hereafter, and may
+need your assistance."
+
+"Can't I tell Ida?" asked Tom.
+
+"Rosabel and Ida must be informed; but with the injunction of secrecy.
+Do you promise to conceal my good fortune?"
+
+"I do; I will say nothing, except by your permission."
+
+On the following day they arrived at Chagres, and took passage for New
+York, which city they reached after a pleasant voyage, and on the next
+day were in Baltimore. Here the Professor left them, and accompanied
+Dora to her home in Virginia. Toney and his friends arrived in Mapleton
+at night. They urged Clarence and Harry to remain here until morning;
+but the two young men were impatient to reach Bella Vista, and, taking
+leave of Toney and Tom, were wafted away in the direction of the homes
+from which they had been absent during five long years.
+
+When Clarence Hastings and Harry Vincent approached Bella Vista it was
+midnight. In their impatience, each young man had put his head out the
+window of a car.
+
+"Good heavens! what means that light?" cried Clarence.
+
+"The town's on fire!" exclaimed Harry.
+
+On rushed the iron horse, and as they entered the town the street was
+illuminated by a conflagration.
+
+Around the mansion of Colonel Hazlewood are collected excited crowds of
+people. Flames are bursting from the roof, and nearly the whole interior
+is in a blaze. The inmates had been aroused by the cry of fire, in the
+middle of the night, and all have escaped. No; not all! Where are Imogen
+and Claribel? Their shrieks are heard; they are in the burning house,
+and surrounded by the crackling flames.
+
+"My child! my child!" cries the gray-haired Colonel Hazlewood in an
+agony. He rushes into the building, and attempts to ascend the stairway,
+which is on fire. Suffocated by the dense smoke, he falls back
+insensible, and is dragged from the door.
+
+"Bring ladders! bring ladders!" is shouted by a number of voices; but no
+ladders are at hand.
+
+"Oh, God! oh, God! must they perish? Can nobody save them?" are the
+exclamations heard on every side. Several men rush into the house and
+are driven back by the smoke and the intense heat. While all stand
+still, with horror depicted in their countenances, two men come running
+with frantic speed to the spot. In an instant they seem to comprehend
+the danger of the young females, whose shrieks are heard from an upper
+chamber. Into the midst of the smoke and flames they rush, ascend the
+stairway, regardless of the scorching heat, and in a moment are seen
+leaping through a window upon the roof of a portico, each holding in his
+arms the form of a woman who has fainted. A loud shout goes up from the
+crowd. A ladder has been brought, and the two men descend, and rush to
+the opposite side of the street with their lovely burdens in their arms,
+as, with a terrific crash, the burning roof falls in. Colonel Hazlewood,
+recovering from his swoon, staggers across the street to utter his
+thanks.
+
+"Harry Vincent!" he exclaimed. And Imogen opens her eyes and beholds her
+long-lost lover, while Claribel is still unconscious in the arms of
+Clarence Hastings.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+
+
+The happiest month of Tom Seddon's life had rolled round,--the month
+preceding his marriage with the beautiful Ida. Toney Belton also seemed
+happy, and so did Rosabel, and the only discontented person in the Widow
+Wild's mansion was the widow herself. Nothing had been told her about
+the sale of the sand-hill; and the eight thousand dollars, the amount of
+gold which Toney acknowledged he had gathered by hard labor in the
+mines, made but a small portion of the sum necessary to constitute a
+fortune for a gentleman. The widow was dissatisfied with Fate on account
+of her hard dealings with Toney Belton.
+
+Rosabel knew better. Under the injunction of secrecy, she and Ida had
+been made acquainted with the good fortune of their lovers, and knew
+that they were in the possession of wealth. Toney had considerable
+difficulty, however, to induce Rosabel to co-operate with him in his
+plans for giving the widow an agreeable surprise.
+
+"Why not go to my mother and ask her to consent to our marriage?" said
+Rosabel. "She would interpose no objection, and you could inform her of
+your good fortune afterwards."
+
+"Rosabel," said Toney, "when your mother, years ago, said, in my
+presence, with peculiar emphasis, that no man should marry her daughter
+who was not worth a hundred thousand dollars, I made a solemn vow never
+to ask her consent."
+
+"You did?" exclaimed Rosabel.
+
+"Yes; not even if I should some day be worth a million. I cannot break
+my vow."
+
+"I must consult with Ida," said Rosabel.
+
+"Do so," said Toney.
+
+On the following day Tom and Ida were to be married. Toney and Rosabel
+were to accompany them to the church; and the widow would receive them
+at her house after the marriage ceremony was performed. Tom and the
+widow were alone in earnest conversation.
+
+"I would not swop with Adam if he were here with his Eden," said Tom.
+"There could be but one addition to my happiness."
+
+"What is that?" asked the widow.
+
+"I have a friend who dearly loves a young lady, and has loved her all
+his life; but he is supposed to be poor."
+
+"Well, what of that?" said the widow.
+
+"He has not obtained her parent's consent to their marriage," said Tom.
+
+"Is your friend a worthy man--a clever fellow?" asked the widow.
+
+"He is, indeed," said Tom. "I know of but one man who is his equal in
+all noble qualities."
+
+"Who is that?" asked the widow.
+
+"Toney Belton," said Tom.
+
+"If your friend is like Toney Belton, he is good enough to marry an
+emperor's daughter," said the widow.
+
+"But the young lady's parent--her mother--may not consent on account of
+his poverty," said Tom.
+
+"Let your friend marry the young lady, and obtain her mother's
+approbation afterwards," said the widow, with much decision in her tone.
+
+"Is that your advice?" asked Tom.
+
+"It is," said the widow. "A parent is a fool to object to a man who can
+be compared with Toney Belton."
+
+"I want my friend to be married when I am," said Tom.
+
+"Well, let him be married at the same time," said the widow.
+
+"But where are they to go until the young lady's parent becomes
+reconciled?" asked Tom.
+
+"Bring them here," said the widow; "I will welcome them; and they can
+remain here until the foolish mother becomes reconciled."
+
+"I will do so," said Tom. And he hurried away to inform Rosabel and
+Toney of the widow's advice.
+
+"You will not act contrary to your mother's wishes?" said Toney to
+Rosabel.
+
+"Certainly not," said Rosabel, with a sweet smile. "I have always been
+her obedient daughter."
+
+On the day appointed for the wedding, a carriage, containing Ida and
+Rosabel, Toney and Tom, was driven away from the widow's door to the
+church. In about an hour the Widow Wild heard the sound of wheels on the
+avenue, and rushed to the porch. As Tom handed Ida out, the widow caught
+the beautiful bride in her arms, and kissed her with tender affection.
+She congratulated the newly-married couple, and then said to Tom,--
+
+"But where is your friend?"
+
+"Here he is," said Tom, pointing to Toney, who was getting from the
+carriage.
+
+"What! Toney?"
+
+Tom nodded.
+
+"Is Toney your friend?"
+
+"He is, and ever has been, the best and noblest of friends," said Tom.
+
+"But is Toney married?" cried the widow, turning pale.
+
+"He is," said Tom.
+
+"Where is his wife?" gasped the widow.
+
+"Let me introduce you to her," said Toney, as he handed the blushing
+Rosabel from the carriage.
+
+"What? Rosabel?"
+
+"Rosabel," said Toney.
+
+"Rosabel married?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"To whom?"
+
+"To Toney Belton."
+
+The widow was speechless for a moment. She then took Toney and Rosabel
+each by the hand, and said,--
+
+"Now, tell me,--are you two married?"
+
+"We are indeed," said Toney.
+
+The widow kissed Rosabel, and then threw her arms around Toney's neck
+and kissed him. And then Mrs. Wild blubbered out,--
+
+"Toney, why did you do so?"
+
+"I thought you would not let me have Rosabel."
+
+"Toney Belton, you were a fool! You might have had Rosabel five years
+ago if you had asked me."
+
+"Did you not always say that no man should marry your daughter unless
+he was worth a hundred thousand dollars?"
+
+"And were you not worth a hundred thousand dollars five years ago?"
+
+"I?"
+
+"Yes;--you. A man with nobility of mind, and heart, and soul," said the
+widow, "is worth more than hundred thousand dollars to the woman who
+marries him; while many a mean fellow, who has a hundred thousand
+dollars in his possession, is not worth a pinch of snuff."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+
+
+About a week after they were married, Toney and Tom, with their brides,
+went to Bella Vista, and witnessed the union of Harry Vincent and Imogen
+Hazlewood, and of Clarence Hastings and Claribel Carrington. Upon his
+return to Mapleton, Toney received a letter from the Professor,
+informing him of his marriage with Dora. Dora's aunt having died, about
+six months before their arrival in Virginia, she had no near relative;
+and her husband had determined to purchase an estate near Mapleton,
+where they would, in future, reside. Toney was authorized to enter into
+negotiations for the purchase of the property.
+
+While Toney and Tom were standing near the post-office, conversing about
+the contents of the Professor's letter, Seddon suddenly exclaimed,--
+
+"Look!--look yonder!"
+
+On the opposite side of the street they beheld what appeared to be a
+procession of giants and dwarfs. In front walked Cleopatra with little
+Love on her arm. Next followed Theodosia with Dove, who looked like a
+pigmy by her side. After them came Sophonisba with Bliss; and in the
+rear was Hercules with a very pretty but unusually diminutive woman. The
+giant could not stoop to give her his arm, but led her by the hand. The
+procession passed on, and entered the house of Gideon Foot.
+
+"Who in the world was that little woman?" asked Tom.
+
+"His wife," said Toney.
+
+"Is Hercules married?"
+
+"He was married about a week ago to his little cousin Polly Sampson. He
+bought a farm adjoining that of Moses, whose father is dead. Hercules
+lives out there with his little wife, and has, I suppose, brought her
+into town on a visit to his relations."
+
+"And what has become of Moses?" asked Tom.
+
+"Moses is also married."
+
+"He is?" exclaimed Tom, in astonishment.
+
+"Yes; he is married notwithstanding his dread of the female sex."
+
+"How did it ever happen?"
+
+"By the death of his father, Moses became a landed proprietor, and is
+the owner of a fine farm in a high state of cultivation. Several
+enterprising young maidens endeavored to make an impression on his
+heart; but he could not be induced to go into their society until, on a
+certain occasion, there was a rural festival in the neighborhood, called
+an apple-butter boiling."
+
+"Did Moses go to that?"
+
+"He would not have gone had not some waggish young farmers first put him
+in an abnormal condition, by the consumption of a considerable quantity
+of hard cider. The cider imparted a wonderful degree of courage, and
+Moses went to the festival, where he soon found himself surrounded by
+rustic beauties. Moses drank more cider and became more courageous.
+Finally, as he sat in a corner with a pretty maiden, he popped the
+question."
+
+"He did?"
+
+"The young maiden said 'Yes' with a sweet smile, and looked so pretty
+that Moses kissed her."
+
+"Great thunder!" cried Tom.
+
+"When Moses got sober he was greatly alarmed; but it was too late to
+recede. More than twenty people had heard his promise of marriage. The
+young woman's father threatened to have a suit brought for breach of
+promise; and her big brother said that he would cudgel the swain if he
+proved false to his engagement. So Moses, dreadfully frightened, was led
+like a lamb to the altar, and now has a very pretty wife, and looks
+contented and happy."
+
+Toney purchased the property for his friend, and in a few weeks the
+Professor and Dora arrived with the intention of making it their
+permanent home. Tom became the owner of an adjoining estate. The three
+friends, with their wives, frequently assembled in the parlor of the
+Widow Wild, with whom Toney and Rosabel continued to reside after their
+marriage. Not long subsequent to the arrival of the Professor and Dora,
+Clarence and Harry, with Claribel and Imogen, came to Mapleton on a
+visit. During the conversation of the evening, Tom asked Toney if he
+still adhered to the opinion which he once so emphatically expressed as
+they sat on the veranda of the hotel in Bella Vista.
+
+"What was that?" asked Toney.
+
+"That the right man is never married to the right woman."
+
+"No; I do not," said Toney, with emphasis. And he looked at Rosabel.
+
+"There must be a recantation of such opinions when experience has
+demonstrated their fallacy," said the Professor, with a look of tender
+affection at Dora. Each husband looked at his wife, and each wife
+returned the glance; and it was evident that the ladies and gentlemen
+present were unanimously of opinion that the right men had been married
+to the right women.
+
+"And what has become of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts?" asked
+Tom.
+
+"The organization has been destroyed by a power which man has never been
+able to resist," said Toney.
+
+"What is that?" asked Rosabel.
+
+"Love," said her husband.
+
+"_Amor vincit omnia_," said the Professor, as he arose from his seat;
+and, bidding his friends good-night, conducted Dora to their carriage.
+As they rode homeward, Dora inquired the meaning of those Latin words,
+and they were translated by her husband; and she now learned that even
+the stern old Romans recognized and acknowledged the
+
+
+     OMNIPOTENCE OF LOVE.
+
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR WORKS
+
+PUBLISHED BY
+
+J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
+
+PHILADELPHIA.
+
+_WILL BE SENT BY MAIL, POST-PAID, ON RECEIPT OF PRICE._
+
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+
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+     _The Old Countess._ _A Romance._ _From the German_ of EDMUND HOFER,
+     by the translator of "Over Yonder," "Magdalena," etc. 12mo. Fine
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+
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+
+
+     _Compensation; or, Always a Future._ _A Novel._ _By_ ANNE M. H.
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+
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+
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+
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+
+
+     _The American Beaver and his Works._ _By Lewis_ H. MORGAN, author
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+
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+     _The Autobiography of Dr. Benjamin Franklin._
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
+
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+     author of "Gold Elsie," "Countess Gisela," &c. By MRS. A. L.
+     WISTER. Sixth edition. 12mo. Cloth, $1.75.
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+outset."--_Pittsburg Gazette._
+
+"The best work by this author."--_Philada. Telegraph._
+
+
+     _Over Yonder._ _From the German of E. Marlitt,_ author of "Countess
+     Gisela," "Gold Elsie," &c. Third edition. With a full-page
+     Illustration. 8vo. Paper cover, 30cts.
+
+"'Over Yonder' is a charming novelette. The admirers of 'Old Mam'selle's
+Secret' will give it a glad reception, while those who are ignorant of
+the merits of this author will find in it a pleasant introduction to the
+works of a gifted writer."--_Daily Sentinel._
+
+
+     _Three Thousand Miles through the Rocky Mountains._ By A. K.
+     MCCLURE. Illustrated. 12mo. Tinted paper Extra Cloth, $2.
+
+"Those wishing to post themselves on the subject of that magnificent and
+extraordinary Rocky Mountain dominion should read the Colonel's
+book."--_New York Times._
+
+"The work makes one of the most satisfactory itineraries that has been
+given to us from this region, and must be read with both pleasure and
+profit."--_Philada. North American._
+
+"We have never seen a book of Western travels which so thoroughly and
+completely satisfied us as this, nor one written in such agreeable and
+charming style."--_Bradford Reporter._
+
+"The letters contain many incidents of Indian life and adventures of
+travel which impart novel charms to them."--_Chicago Evening Journal._
+
+"The book is full of useful information."--_New York Independent._
+
+"Let him who would have some proper conception of the limitless material
+richness of the Rocky Mountain region, read this book."--_Charleston
+(S.C.) Courier._
+
+
+
+
+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-14 20:04:07 -0700
committer	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-14 20:04:07 -0700
commit	f855310120222a9dd0abe55a9bf44cfce1c48cc0 (patch)
tree	2b8517f7062c2410a106a96ea2f82147957d5f8f